#it HAS to be trolling i refuse to believe its legit

[warcrimesimulator]

I forgot about "radqueers" lmao god that shit is still around?

[dalekofchaos]

Either the Elite need to work with Punk or be removed as EVP's

The name of the game in wrestling is to make as much money as possible. If the Bucks and Omega really are refusing to work with Punk because of "feelings", they are even stupider than I thought. Possibly the hottest angle of their careers and they'd say no? STUPID!

The Elite spent months trolling about the situation, only to not wanting to work a possible money feud. They had no problem playing into “fuck cm punk” chants, featuring them on BTE, and mocking him and the fight though lol grow the fuck up

I can't believe I'm even saying this, but Jericho is the adult in the room and it's probably time Tony Khan thinks about removing the Elite as EVPs. Putting feelings and friends first over business is a detriment to the business Tony is TRYING to grow.

Shawn and Bret worked together and they legit hated one another's guts, there's no excuse. Matt Hardy, Edge and Lita worked together despite the fact that there was REAL LIFE hatred over the real life affair.

If I'm someone on the roster with no horse in this Elite/Punk thing but I see The Elite, who are EVPs, won't even try to resolve conflict… I don't know man.

If they're going to be EVPs and represent AEW, their FIRST priority should be to work things out with CM Punk and bring this roster together. Put aside all egos. Otherwise they should be removed from power. This is the only solution if they don't want to do what's best for the business they started.

Do you know what kind of message it sends if they refuse to try and repair the chaos this whole thing caused? It's proving what Punk said at the All Out media scrum was right. About them being children & being irresponsible EVPs. It says we shouldn't make amends and do what's best for AEW, it says we should let the drama and chaos rule the company and it says if there is someone you don't want to work with, then you shouldn't despite it being what's best for AEW. It says they don't want to do what's best for All In. They don't want to gross a big money feud. They don't want to turn what at first was a detriment to AEW and turn that detriment into a positive and make a shit ton of money.

It's one thing if they were just one of the boys and just didn't want to work with the guy, but they are representatives of the company they founded and if they refuse to do business, then they should just not be EVP's.

Sidenote. Brandon Cutler and Tay Mello were trying to start shit when Tony Khan was working on bringing Punk back. "Gaslighting"

If my EVPs’ stooge and my buddy’s wife were trying to undermine my efforts to bring back the guy who could help me putt asses in the seats of Wembley Stadium, I would fire them. Then again I am not Tony Khan. He’s a lot nicer than I am.

The Elite claim (is it really a claim if its coming from metlzer) that they refuse to even meet with Cm Punk. lol I'm sorry you are HEAD EXECUTIVES of a company and yourTOP asset is coming back to talk to make money, from a company standpoint its your job and obligation to meet with him. You don't have to work with him but meet with him. You're not just a wrestler, this is what big boys in companies do. DO YOU JOB as an executive. You think hunter would refuse to meet with a talent. And now you have stooge ass manipulative fuck Jericho sliding his way in because at least that snake knows how to make money and capitalize on situations, personal feelings aside.

Bret/Shawn, Vince/Hulk, Dynamite/Jacque Rougeau, Matt Hardy/Edge and DOZENS of others could set aside personal issues for business over far worse situations, but Tony Khan has to literally split the roster and TV shows because his EVPs and their friends are whiny babies. Tony Khan knows CM Punk is far and away his biggest star, but since Tony fears conflict and acting like the boss, he’s trying to appease his little friends with job titles, that are far less important to AEW, by causing more problems and headaches.

It's very simple. Tony Khan sits Punk and The Elite down. Force them to work things out and if one party doesn't, then he strips The Elite of their EVP status or shows Punk the door. This is so ridiculous and petty. Work things out, make shit ton of money out of personal issues and just do what's best for AEW. Wrestling isn't a friends and feelings kind of business, it's the money making business and if you put friends and feelings over growing your business, I don't know what to tell you, you shouldn't be in the wrestling business.

[twilight-orchid]

How The Demon Brothers React After Fighting With Their SO

tw: some angst with resolution at the end, mentions of past arguments, insecurity.

Lucifer:

This man is petty as hell.

He doesn’t do the silent treatment, but he acts like you aren’t dating.

If you need to work on something together, you’re a co-worker.

At RAD you’re a classmate.

Around the house you’re just a housemate.

His poker face is immaculate and it will not crack when you’re around.

If someone didn’t know what was happening, they’d probably think you two barely knew each other.

However, you won’t notice, but as soon as you look the other way his eyes are on you.

He’s used to arguing with his brothers and is no stranger to explosive fights that end with he and the other person not being on speaking terms.

But you’re different.

He tries to go on with business as usual, but he can’t think about anything other than how much he misses you.

Yet, he lets it continue because he just can’t put his pride aside and apologize.

If you decide to sleep in your old room it’ll both hurt his feelings and royally piss him off.

He thinks you’re being childish and will be pretty rude about it, but that’s because internally his blood just ran cold.

It adds a degree of seriousness to the argument that he’s uncomfortable with.

Yes he’s mad, but he can’t lose you.

If you still sleep in his bed, he makes sure to scoot over to the very edge so he doesn’t cuddle you in his sleep.

In fact, the first night after the argument he’d probably put a pillow between you just to really punctuate the fact that he’s still upset.

I’d say it could go 4 days to a week tops without you making up.

After a point though, he just can’t function until the issue is resolved. He can’t sleep, he’s falling behind on his work, and he’s just generally not doing well.

You get called to his office one night and find him at his desk surrounded by piles of paper, disheveled and exhausted.

“MC, come sit down. I’d like to talk this through. Please.”

Mammon:

He’s so dramatic.

You dare defy him? The Great Mammon can’t believe this tiny fragile human would have the audacity.

The theatrics are just a front though.

His ‘The Great Mammon’ act is a mask for his insecurity, one he hasn’t had to use with you in awhile.

Even as the words leave his mouth he regrets them.

He’s going to be very uncomfortable with everything until the argument is resolved, but most of all himself.

He’s learned not to take his brothers too seriously when they toss insults his way, but words have a way of morphing to belief over time.

Internally he is going to be super hard on himself. 

Regardless of if the fight was his fault or not, he’s going to kick himself constantly for making yet another mistake.

He’s over the argument pretty fast. The anger quickly melts into anxiety.

Are you going to leave him? Do you hate him? Did he hurt your feelings? 

That being said, he doesn’t know if you’re still mad and he doesn’t know how to ask. 

As a defense mechanism, he defaults to how he treated you when you first arrived in the devildom.

Calls you human, disregards you, stuff like that.

If you decide to sleep in another room, before midnight expect him to be knocking on the door.

“Oi, MC. You awake? I just - I can’t - *sigh* Can we talk about this?”

If you sleep in his bed, he makes a point of sleeping with his back to you.

Less because he’s actually mad and more because he doesn’t want his image of you as he drifts to sleep to be a look of anger.

Though as soon as he passes out he’ll roll over and tuck you into his arms on instinct.

I’d say any after effects of an argument with Mammon would be resolved in a day, maybe two tops.

Leviathan:

Arguing activates his trolling the forums mode.

Goes back to calling you a normie and contradicts everything you say.

He’s less mad about the argument and more using the bitterness to cope with how upset he is.

He feels like a break up is less of an if and more of a when.

Why would someone as amazing as you settle for weird otaku like him?

Honestly doesn’t understand why you’re with him in the first place, so when there’s a serious argument he assumes its over.

Tbh don’t know how you and Levi would sleep together being that I doubt two could fit in a tub, but any deviation to your routine sends him into a panic.

It’s his reality check that the situation is serious and he needs to fix it NOW.

He’d have trouble apologizing in person. He can’t think of what to say, he stumbles over his words, and he feels like he’s on the verge of a panic attack.

Instead, expect a long ass text message.

He says how sorry he is, how much he misses and loves you, and legit begs you to forgive him.

If you sleep with him like normal, he’ll probably try to make up after laying there for awhile. His mind is going a million miles an hour and there’s no way he can sleep.

Still really has trouble verbalizing how he feels, so give the poor boy a break and take over the conversation.

He hasn’t had a serious relationship before and he doesn’t know what he should do to make it better.

So the after effects will last however long it takes him to read several mangas, watch some anime, and play a few games to see how the characters get over arguments in the story.

Satan:

Satan makes sure not to fight with you over minor issues.

He’s worked tirelessly to tame his wrath and he refuses to feed into it over a minor issue.

Thus, if you fight with Satan it’s a major argument and it’s explosive.

The aftermath isn’t much better.

He doesn’t want to risk blowing up again, so he’s frighteningly calm.

He’s an absolute master of the silent treatment.

He won’t say a word to you until he’s certain he’s calmed down enough.

For the first few days he’ll straight up leave a room if you enter.

For a good while the only way you can expect to communicate with him is through his body language and the expression in his eyes.

Satan’s biggest fear is losing control and lashing out at you. 

He couldn’t live with himself if he hurt you and he can’t stand the thought of you being afraid of him. 

He’s a whirlwind of emotions, so he isolates himself until he can figure out how to deal with it.

Not just from you, but from everyone else too. 

Satan will not share a bed with you for at least the first night.

If he got worked up enough to actually fight, it’s gonna take him time to simmer down.

And he’d rather not risk doing or saying something he regrets in the meantime.

Once he’s ready, he’ll approach you when he’s completely calmed down and has thoroughly analyzed the situation.

He’s considered both of your sides, tried to pinpoint what caused the disagreement to turn into a fight, and made a plan of action to prevent it from happening again.

“MC? I’ve been thinking quite a bit about what happened. Would you please talk it through with me?”

He won’t apologize for the argument if he feels like he was right, but he will apologize for letting the disagreement escalate into a fight.

Satan could go weeks without making up if necessary, but he tries to resolve it within a couple of days.

Asmodeus:

Wants to give you the silent treatment, but is physically incapable.

He can’t stand to have you ignore him.

He’s the type to go back to normal then suddenly remembers you guys had a fight.

“Wait, no! I’m not talking to you! I’m mad at you!”

His biggest downfall is that he’s so stubborn.

If he thinks he was right, he will die on that hill.

There are arguments with his brothers that happened a thousand years ago and he could still tell you exactly why he was right.

But with you, he realizes that doesn’t matter too him nearly as much as it usually does.

If it means going back to normal, he’ll forget who’s right or wrong.

If you sleep in another room, he’s beyond offended.

“What?! Well fine! I don’t want you in my bed anyway!”

Laying in bed alone is a different story though.

He can’t sleep. All he can think about is you. Your face when you sleep next to him, your smell, the feeling of his arms around you.

He 100% cries.

Finally goes and knocks on your door with wet, glossy eyes.

“MC? Can we talk about this? I can’t get my beauty sleep and my tears are wiping off all of my skin care lotion!”

Will throw himself into your arms before you can answer.

If you sleep next to him still, he rolls over and watches you sleep.

It puts him at peace and he decides seeing your sweet, resting face every morning is worth more to him than the argument.

He’ll initiate the conversation the next morning.

I think Asmo could make it a few days if it was a really serious argument, but he will not function well until you make up.

Beelzebub:

Wants to make up immediately.

He doesn’t like to argue, even less so with you.

Whether he was right or wrong, he blames himself. He’ll take all the blame in the world if it makes you happy.

He’ll go make you your favorite food and bring it to you.

If he thinks you don’t want to talk to him, he’ll leave it outside your door and text you to let you know it’s there.

He’s honestly devastated if you decide to sleep in another room.

You guys migrate to your old room when you want privacy from Belphie, but you almost never sleep separately.

Seeing you grab your pillows and march out of the room nearly stops his heart.

He goes completely numb and silent as he just stares at the space you had just occupied.

Like Levi, he thinks this means the relationship is over and he genuinely does not know what to do with himself.

He can’t even bring himself to eat, he just wants to lie there, lost and trying to grapple with his emotions. 

He’s another one who will absolutely cry, but unlike Asmo he will make sure no one knows it.

If you still sleep in his bed, he’s very nervous about it.

He doesn’t know if it’s okay to touch you, what he can or can’t say, stuff like that.

He just lays there stiff as a board not even able to close his eyes.

Honestly the fight would probably have to be resolved before bed. His anxiety just can’t take it.

I don’t think he’d initiate the apology. Not because he doesn’t want to make up but because his confidence is rock bottom in these situations.

He catastophizes and honestly thinks you hate him.

If you don’t initiate the apology soon, Belphie will. He can feel what his twin won’t say, and he knows Beel won’t approach you about it for fear of making it worse.

Belphie will lock you two in a room if that’s what it takes for you to make up.

Belphegor:

The embodiment of if looks could kill.

He won’t talk to you, won’t look at you, basically pretends you aren’t there.

If he must interact with you he’ll roll his eyes and sigh the whole time.

Tries to sleep through any interaction so he doesn’t have to deal with it.

He feels almost betrayed by the fight.

He thought the relationship was stronger than to have such a huge divide, so he’s really insecure about it.

After the first day, the anger has melted away to guilt.

He ‘s not guilty that you fought, but he is guilty about how he treated you after.

Guilt and self-blame have become unwelcome friends at this point. Guilt over Lilith, over his plans to destroy the human world, everything.

But more than anything else, the guilt for the fact that he attacked you weighs on him every day.

He moved past it quickly after, essentially pretending he hadn’t killed you, but that’s because he just couldn’t confront what he’d done. 

He feels like the luckiest demon alive that you forgave him, let alone  opened you heart enough to love him, and now it’s all in tatters.

Another thing to regret.

If you decide to sleep separately, it’ll hit him like a bag of bricks.

“You - what? Where are you going?” 

It’ll take him a second to process what you were doing, but then he’ll roll over and let you leave.

“Fine. Don’t let the door hit you.”

No one will see him for awhile. 

Belphie sleeps all the time anyway, but he just can’t make himself get out of bed.

If you don’t approach him to apologize, Beel will tell you that he’s been nauseous and randomly emotional which must mean his twin is coping very badly. 

Will beg you to go make Belphie happy again. 

If you sleep in his bed still, the argument will be resolved by morning.

He can’t keep himself from embracing you in his sleep, and it’s hard to say you’re mad at someone when you wake up in their loving arms.

It’s hard to pinpoint how long it could last with Belphie. If you don’t apologize first, he won’t let himself be conscious long enough to approach you.

This is both my first hc post as well as my first obey me post so I’m sorry if le boys are ooc. I just got this idea and couldn’t stop thinking about it so here we are.  Especially Belphie, he was hard to me for some reason. Let me know if you guys agree or disagree and if you want to send a request or ask, my box is open! 

[lnkedmyheart]

More random sormik headcanons cause i have nothing better to do.

Sorey is the reckless one but he's a quick thinker and can pick up on the little things in his environment with ease.

Mikleo is the "I can't believe I'm doing this" reckless in that he will refuse to do reckless things but he'll somehow still jump off cliffs just because Sorey is jumping off said cliff and he's all "I'm not letting you do this on your own". If nothing else there's a 15 % chance he can save them from dying if he finds some water. He is however much more cunning than Sorey and will use dirty tricks in a fight because he's smaller and its only fair.

Sorey exerts himself so much throughout the day that he'll typically fall asleep the moment his head hits the pillow.

Mikleo typically stays up at night wondering where his life went wrong and what God he pissed off in his previous life that Sorey did what he did that day.

Sorey isn't socially awkward. He's only awkward around new people because he's never had to make friends before and has literally known everyone since he was a baby. Mikleo is the one that is awkward and gets flustered around new people.

Sorey knows when people are flirting with him and deliberately derails sex and romance related conversations with Zaveid because he's secretly a troll.

Mikleo can never pick up on flirting but can somehow smell sass from a mile away. He's also really bad at picking up on sexual innuendos.

Mikleo was always the wife when they played house as kids and he absolutely hated it cause they would flip an ancient relic coin Sorey found to see who played what and Mikleo always lost. It was only when he found the coin lying around several years later that he realised the coin was the same on both sides.

The reason why Sorey never gets flustered when around women is because he grew up without the social construct of treating men and women differently.

Sorey had a massive celebrity crush on the shepards in the celestial records.

Mikleo is lowkey a conspiracy theorist but he thinks he's a realist.

The reason Mikleo wears the belts around his waist is because he had a tendency to leave his torso open and defenseless when sparring and then just got used to the feeling. Also it highlights his killer waist to hip ratio so that's a bonus.

Mikleo freezes his hair into that shape each morning.

At age 5 Sorey fell out of a tree into a bush, scraped his knee and wouldn't stop crying so Mikleo made him some water bubbles which was the only thing he could back then. Sorey then told Mikleo they should get married because his bubbles were the best in the whole wide world. They don't talk about it but both consider it a semi legit proposal.

[whatznewz]

Anonymous Has Joined The Fight

After a recent video uploading on Facebook from the famous Anonymous, the “Black Lives Matter Movement” has a new ally.

By now we might’ve all heard about it: the group of hacktivists known as Anonymous has joined the #blacklivesmatter movement and protests that are occurring in the present day.  Who are they?  Where are they?  What are they? How are they going to help the movement against the American police and military forces?                                                                                                      

Let’s rewind all the way back to 2003.  A website by the name of 4chan, basically a cruder version of Reddit, was semi-popular.  This website, however, did not require its users to form an account, so everything was anonymous and people could generally post what they wanted without any backlash due to not having a designated username.  The anonymity of the website is perhaps what sparked up the given name Anonymous.

Originally, they started as a trolling group, a sort of joke.  Things that the group of trollers started to do in the beginning included sending unpaid pizzas to houses, posting humiliating information about public figures or other 4chan users, DDoSing different websites (method used to take down websites from the inside), and occasionally prank calls or private chats on other networks.   In 2008, what was meant to be a private video of Tom Cruise praising scientology made it online.  It was suspected to be uploaded by the trolling anonymous users that originated from 4chan.  When the video was taken down, the anon users seemed to have been angered.  This started a wave of trolling against the organization that had taken the video down.  This provoked protesting outside of the Church of Scientology.  However, the protesting eventually calmed down and the anon users went back to their regularly scheduled trolls.

Essentially, this “group” of hackers isn’t really an organized group.  While there is technically a team of anonymous hackers, they only make up a very small percentage of the people that continue to support the group and hack for similar causes to that of Anonymous.  

In the past they’ve hacked their way through recognition with some controversial issues like “Operation Tunisia” (2011), “Operation DarkNet” (2011), “Operation Russia” (2012), and many other big activism events throughout the years of 2010-2012.  This form of activism can prove to be very powerful when a group of people is experiencing social injustice and needs something to be done. ______ The infamous Guy Fawkes mask that can has been used as a sort of face for Anonymous originates from the comic and movie adaptation V For Vendetta.  V For Vendetta, summarized, follows the story of a young woman who is “rescued from a life situation by a masked guy known as ‘V’.” (V For Vendetta (2005) - Plot Summary - IMDb).

Guy Fawkes, however, is not fictional.  Fawkes is a historical figure who had attempted to blow up Parliament (1604) in hopes of destroying the British government and instating catholic domination.  He failed at his mission, but perhaps this act of rebellion is what inspired Anonymous to wear the Guy Fawkes mask.

In addition to the mask and the movie, Anonymous also has their own slogan: “Knowledge is free. We are Anonymous.  We are Legion.  We do not forget.”

As far as we know, Anonymous communicates through 4chan (though I would not recommend searching the website), image board wiki forums, and IRC networks.  Although Anonymous claims to not have any set leaders and, like I mentioned before, has only a small group of legit Anonymous hackers, it does have a way of targeting specific organizations all at once.

For example, a wide-range of people have strong opinions on something that’s unjust in the world.  If the subject at hand seems to have a big enough impact on the world, Anonymous has stepped in to reveal classified files, expose authoritative figures, or to hack their way into private institutions (may it be the government or a corporation) to fix the problem or assist people in their activism. Because of their efficiency, they are considered a legitimate threat to the government or shady companies. ______

Anonymous is back?

Recently, on May 28th, the Anonymous Facebook account posted a video regarding the recent events of George Floyd’s death, the unfair power of Minneapolis police, and the protests that are now happening all over America. In the video, Anonymous said the following:

“Greetings citizens of the United States.  This is a message from Anonymous, to the Minneapolis Police Department.  

“Police brutality and murder is a widespread problem in the United States, which has undoubtedly infected nearly every jurisdiction in the country, but the Minneapolis Police Department is among the worst and has a horrific track record of violence and corruption.  This week’s brutal killing of George Floyd, which has sparked protests and national outrage, is nearly the tip of the iceberg in a long list of high-profile cases of wrongful death at the hands of officers in your state.  In fact, in the past two decades, 193 people have been killed by police in Minnesota.  

“In recent years, we have seen numerous high profile killings in the area, including the deaths of Jamar Clark, Philando Castile, Justine Damond, Thurman Blevins, and Brian Quinones.  These are only the cases to catch the headlines., where videos or other evidence proves that the police are lying.  Sadly, in the vast majority of police killings, the only one left alive to tell the story is the officer who took the person’s life, and thus the cycle is able to continue because none of these murderers ever face any justice for their actions.  This travesty has gone on for far too long, and now the people have had enough.  

“In the most recent case of George Floyd, the blatant disregard for human life exhibited by the officers is undeniable and all evidence that has been released so far has shown that Floyd was being entirely compliant with the officers, which contradict earlier claims from police that he was resisting arrest.  Furthermore, our initial investigation of the offending officers has revealed a criminal pattern of violence on the job.  At least two of the officers involved in Floyd’s arrest, Derek Chauvin and Tou Thao, have a history of on the job shootings and excessive force complaints.  The Star Tribune reported this week that Chauvin, the officer most directly responsible for Floyd’s death, has been involved in numerous on the job shootings where suspects were killed.  There were four officers on the scene at the time of the incident, one who kept the gathering crowds away, and three who were forcefully holding Floyd down.  Onlookers warned the officer that he was crushing the man to death, but none of the police on the scene seemed to have any concern for Floyd’s condition.  You may have fired these officers to save face, but it is obvious that this type of behavior is condoned, if not encouraged within your police department, as it is in others.  Officers who kill people and commit crimes need to be held accountable just like the rest of us, otherwise, they will believe that they have a license to do whatever they want.

“You will claim that this is the work of just ‘a few bad apples’, but what of the officers that stand by and do nothing while they commit offenses against the people they encounter, and the police departments like yours who refuse to prosecute these criminals as they would one of the citizens that they are sworn to protect.  

“People have had enough of this corruption and violence from an organization that promises to keep them safe.  After the events of the past few years, many people are now beginning to learn that you are not here to save us, but rather, you are here to oppress and carry out the will of the criminal ruling class.  You are here to keep order for the people in control, not to provide safety for the people who are being controlled.  In fact, you are the very mechanism that elites use to continue their global system of oppression, and the world is finally starting to wake up to this, and they are becoming increasingly angry every time they see blood needlessly spilled without consequence.  

“These officers must face criminal charges, and officer Chauvin especially should face murder charges.  Unfortunately, we do not trust your corrupt organization to carry out justice, so we will be exposing your many crimes to the world.  We are Legion!  Expect us.”

As you may be able to see, this is not any form of a warning to the Minneapolis Police Department and the government, but more of a declaration of action.

Over the weekend, the Minneapolis Police Department and the city were both kicked offline, but it’s undecided yet whether this was an accident or the work of Anonymous.  Real records of President Trump’s past with sexual assault of a child has been “leaked” by this hacktivist group.  I say “leaked”, because these reports were actually shown to the public years ago, but still kept quiet by supporters of Trump.  Additionally, names of other police brutality victims have also been released to the public by the hand of Anonymous.  Lastly, police radios have been reportedly hacked in the midst of protests and riots, playing either polka music or “Fuck the police”.

Overall, Anonymous joins the fight against police brutality and black social injustice, and the protesting continues.

________________________________________________________________

Follow for more news and send requests for updates on current events.  Check the next post for pictures on this article.

[homestuckisautistic]

Epilogue Summary: Meat Part 2 (26-44)

OH BOY GET STRAPPED IN FOR THIS CLUSTERFUCK

26. Narratordirk is trying to convince Jade not to go through the black hole but..im guessing dead godtier Calli? Wont let him. Because shes still muse of space.

27. Calli is narrating too now and switches back to Earth C Jade

...O-oh. God tier Calliope is possessing Jade. They're basically calling Dirk out in how hes threatening all of reality with this epilogue.

-Living Calli can sense their other self in Jade and its scares them so bad they run

-Dirks text keeps getting smaller, hes being pushed out

28. In what is quite possibly the most ooc piece if writing yet, John says Monty Python sucks.

-ugh it talks alot about John finding Terezi cute

-Also shes starving. Like, literally ill

29. Jane uses trickster mode to give presidential campaign speeches ??

-Oh oof...theres this whole monologue on how it definitely isnt problematic and how shes respectful of those who think it is even though theyre very very wrong

-JANE: To imply that I am superciliously and recklessly stoking potentially dangerous cultural fires is honestly an insult.

JANE: I am guilty of only one crime: energizing my base!

-Oh lord jake fucks

-SO. Jane wants to publicise how he fucks trolls, and show that as bad, but refuses to acknowedge how racist that is.

-Honestly its wild how they think using the word xenophobic rather than racist somehow gives an edge if humor. Its the same fucking thing.

30. Ahshsjak Jane owns the internet

-Dirk straight up admits to puppeteering jake

-Jake agrees to back Karkat

31. Terezi seems intent in eating the entire contents of Johns dads wallet. Fucking superb you funky little gremlin

-God theyre really pushing the johnrezi. Shes actually being vunerable with him

-Apparently Terezi has really thick, feminine eyelashes. Thanks for making me want to shave my eyes

-Oh sweet jegus they kiss and WAIT DID THEY ALSO FUCK

Gross

32 uuugh Dirk keeps misgendering Roxy and basically says hes allowed to because nobody can hear him

-Daves talking about being not straight

-Oh so this is the Transphobe Dirk chapter

-Hes also straight up planning to assassinate jake

-Trolls are allergic to onions

-Psyche at the last second he fires a tranq at possessed Jade, forcing god Calli out so he can control the narrative again

33. I. Uhh. Yeah johnrezi fucked. Terezi likes it rough apparently

-"1 G1V3 UP ON VR1SK4" hmm.

-She agrees to let John try and retcon them home

34. Dirknators just abusing Jake verbally and makes him be in love with him

35. John zaps Terezi back to Earth C but hes dying, when English bit him he got poisoned with something thats erasing him from existence

-Dirks shitting on fans again

-Calliope and roxy knew john would die if he fought english

-...huh. Yeah, John legit dies.

-Terezi fucking capchalogues his corpse

36. I fucking hate this interpretation of Dirk

-Jane wins the election

-Jade has been in a comma for a month

-About Kanaya "The woman is obviously hysterical and needs to chill the fuck out. I mean, she’s hysterical because I’ve been specifically and deliberately causing her to be that way, sure." jesus fucking christ

-Dirk consistantly misgenders Roxy while acting "woke" about them presenting masculine enough that Terezi mistook them for Dave

-Calli refuses to leave the house and is painting weird gorey shit in the walls?

-Oh Roxy is using he now. And it seems Terezi is aware of dirknator because she calls him out

-Yeah shes talking to him directly now and hes trying to talk her into leaving again

37. So Dirk is kidnapping Rose to become a god,not telling her that Kanaya doesn't know, and brainwashing Kanaya to accept it

-Oh no you fucking bastard

-Hes making Kanaya believe Rose is abandoning her because Kanaya isnt good enough for her

-Yeah this is what pushed me over the fucking edge with this clusterfuck

38- he basically gives dave the go ahead to be an alcoholic

-Oh he draws the line at making people fuck. Oh well isnt that just so high and noble of him what a fucking saint he wont do a rape. Eat my ass

-Oh yeah no hes 100% comfortable with doing it apparently but dave can sense hes being puppeteed and resists it

-Davekat is canon i guess. Thanks for doing it in the most insulting and condescending way possible.

39. Jakes broken by dirk obcession but if course he doesnt give a shit

-Im skimming at this point because if the writers dont care about the narrative then why should i

40. Kanaya uses an antidote leeft by dirk to wake jade up

41. Another godamn ramble about how dirk accepts he's the villain but is right anyway

42. Okay I took a days break im feelin a little clearer

-jade unbrainwashes Kanaya and Kan is FUCKING PISSED

-Ghost Calli possesses Jade again, Dirk is getting ready to leave

43- the gang prepares to go after Dirk with Calli protecting their narrative...the end i guess? Fuck

Theres one final scene of the Jade that got sucked into the black home, with Aradia. She has new powers, and looks like she does when possessed. She summons a Dave robot through a wormhole she has just created, then passes through it with him and Aradia.

[ramblingshit]

Fright Night - 1985 - 3.5/5

Highly oversimplified fun ‘modern’ teen adventure book-style take on Dracula - i think?

i am having a fuckking awful night please let this be half okay at least funny like please. right we have some poor audio. tom holland is here? some chick is going on about how much she likes the dark - she’s mina? pale, red lips peeps are making out - it’s just someone squeaking their lips together and then letting go lmao wtf - it’s a tv show about vampires lol this acting is amazing i think its supposed to be he literally just went after her with the blunt end of the stake damn. some more squeaking kisses gross. kids making out, peter vincent is on TV or some shit. boyfriend has wandering hands and she’s told him twice to stop and now he’s bitching at her for not letting him feel her up and then she apologises? excuse me? and now he’s guilted her into doing it? oh damn that’s a nice chocolate coffin where’d he get those binoculars ahaha oh yikes that girl is not ready and now he’s ignoring her oh what is happening. mum’s getting involved. he wanted to fuck she didn’t then she wanted to fuck and he was distracted by some guys carrying a coffin into the basement of the house next door. he’s so distracted he’s completely ignoring his girlfriend.oh damn he pissed off his friend too this guy seems like a dumbass. ew gross oh my god she’s dressed like a prostitute what is that blue thing and the opaque beige hosiery is horrific. it’s funny at this point lots of these clothes are coming back into fashion. then there are those of course that must die and stay dead. damn a big ol scream from the house next door and a light went out. fuckin hell he wait she’s apologising for his  dumbass and said it’s her fault and he’s like yeah i suppose it was like what. i know this is supposed to be like this like he’s clearly supposed to be a terrible boyfriend but fuck he is barely pretending to care about her - he said ‘i love you’ and she’s gooing all over him. now he’s ignoring her again and here’s his weird looking friend who thinks its hilarious oh my god she slapped a hamburger cheese onion and tomato hamburger patty on his face disgusting but damn he deserves it. whoop a guy in the basement just saw this kid snooping - is he seriously just gonna open this guy’s basement doors unsurprisingly dude came and snapped at him like wtf you think you’re doing. he’s obsessed with this house all of the sudden? eating chips at his window with his binoculars. now asleep in that chair and hot damn there’s a couple about to fuck  and tittiiiiiieesssssss. oh damn mate is a vampire looking straight at the kid through the window. just staring. then closes the window with long ass fingers with long yellow nails. just woke his mum up like ma new guys a vampire and she’s like fuck off and he’s sneaking about outside what the hell is this kid on. oh they’re carrying out bodies in garbage bags and what i think they’re trying to show they’ve got sick powers or something there’s this synth beat in the background those are the largest collar flap things i’ve ever seen and that red scarf is sick a lot is happening bro red scarf dude just caught annoying kid charlie spying at them from the hedges. oh shit he’s screaming at his mother and his girlfriend what an ass - Amy is obsessed with their relationship, Mum thinks he’s having a nightmare. he’s the dumbass in the horror movie - running around screaming, telling everyone the guys a vampire killing people getting the police involved like dumbass what teh fuck this is gonna be embarrassing you think if they really are vampires they’re gonna be dumb enough to let themselves get caught. oh what he’s yelling again and interesting there’s a painting of a blonde version of Amy. is this dracula 1980s version. the house is all cobwebs and old timey shit. dumbass getting screamed at by the cop for screaming about his neighbour being a vampire he’s got no evidence but just keeps screaming. you deserve to die like 0% self-preservation skills m8. is he racing home no to his friend’s house his weird friend who’s somewhat more mental than this dumbass - give him eight bucks to tell him how to protect himself from a vampire attack he’s listing off stereotypical shit but i doubt any of this will be legit they all like dangling those and scoffing at them. he’s nailing his window shut but hey guess who mum’s invited innnnnnnnnn ahahahahahahah lol oh damn who sits in a chair like that well hello bruce banner hot edition. hm his fingers look normal now. aahahhaha oh fuck he out here telling charlie he wouldnt have come to visit unless he had been invited and now that he had been he would be over whenever he liked. charlie the dumbass is not trying to hide how terrified he is out here backing away, eyes wide, shaking, Jerry the vampire just staring at him. 'see ya! soon.’ scrambling up the stairs - like just mayyyyybe you shouldn’t have immediately done all you can to piss off the guy you think is a vampire. cause now he’s on your roof. i can’t believe his name is Jerry. this is so 80s. this music man. who chills in a button up shirt all tucked in . is that a mouse? or the trees scratching oh shit jerry’s after the mum. or not. oh fuck there’s no reflection in the mirror and he just broke her door? oooop he’s in dumbass’ roommmm or is he - yep he was hiding in the closet???? is this a metaphor??? howdily hoodily. oh damn yeeted him into his closet. they’re not giving bruce banner very good camera angles. we’re only 30 minutes in and he and the vampire are chilling out, being held up by his throat - ohh broody vampire time. bruce no don’t throw him out the window that’s so obviousoh but damn there’s he’s gonna stake him with a pencil ahaha what oh fuck nosferatu time damn all because of a pencil fuck that is not sexy. he looks like a lord of the rings troll. they both look hella nervous that mum’s knocking on the door. he threatened to kill him, offered him a choice for them to forget each other, he said nah, he tried to kill him, he stabbed him with a pencil, then he roared all scary and buggered off. odd. now he’s just sat down and watched some–dracula ahaha he’s watching dracula? now he’s calling him up ahaha staring at him through the window calling him up on the phone. 'you started this - im gonna finish it!’ like calm down vampire man the boy is a dumbass. this is cheesy but like okay. he legit seems like a proper dumbass teenager kid all overexcited and dramatic and learning all he knows from TV oh damn he’s like a school shooter, wife beater kinda kid though. ahah shitting on friday the 13th calm down that’s a good movie. does this peter vincent actually believe in vampires cause this kid is hoping he does - he’s got those brown elbowed jacket how old is this high school aged kid. ejesus what the fuck is that moped holy shit. white sneakers that blue knitwear holy shit what the fuck what the fuck charlie dead eyes, monotone sitting in his bedroom he’s filled with religious paraphernalia, dozens of candles and stacks of wood he’s carving into stakes - his GF and friend come in like yo wtf m8 what is all this - he just shrugs and tells em he’s gonna go next door and stab the neighbour. um what the fuck jesus hes crazy he’s weird friend who can’t act thinks so too and eyy the peter vincent late night show is called 'Fright Night’ and the weird kid just said their situation is just like 'Fright Night’ and guess what this movie is called – this is pretty intense like how am I supposed to be taking this is it funny, is it dramatic? this kid looks like he’s gonna pass out he’s having some sort of episode. 'hey amy, you don’t believe me do you.’ 'i love you charlie.’ hm vincent knows whats up amy and weird kid go to see him to help their crazy friend and he’s like oh yeah that insane kid he needs a psychiatrist yo ahaha gets fired gets an eviction notice refuses to help the kids cause he’s very busy about to get rich she’s like i’ll pay you - how much he asks immediately - she tells him—i’ll take it, no hesitation ahaha we’re not even half in? oh damn vincent is in love with his acting i think his shows used to be a lot more popular and now he’s sad and fading and ey its bruce banner all bedraggled they literally called him up to ask if they could go over with dumbass and prove to him brucey boy is not a vampire he thinks its hilarious like damn just calling up vampires and shit i love it so casual like he’s just a neighbour not all heavy handed but needs a little less cheese but eh who can find a golden middle did he just eat a banana. holy hot damn her outfit - he’s outfit, holy shit vincent is here all in his role dressed as the vampire killer, performing for dumbass - damn the house does look appropriately spooky tho god this kid doesn’t shut up they all just wandering into the vampire’s house - Charlie gets a special greeting and here is ol mate all dramatic in a fucking turtleneck please kill me. he’s eating food again? whoop amy and bruce banner just had a moment she’s so pretty but her hair is so fukn eighties and now he’s kissing her hand and she’s giggling and biting her lip 'oh god, he’s neat!’ he didn’t drink that he totally used a tricky magic trick dunno how but he didn’t drink that. Charlie isn’t wrong - pulled out a cross and Bruce Banner jumped back and his jim carrey lackey stepped forward and Banner is threatening his friends like fuck off - 'so you’re finally convinced im not a vampire?’ *completely insincerely, through his teeth* 'yes.’ oh damn all was well then vincent saw he had no reflection - let’s call the police! broody vampire time oh damn found some glass from the mirror. lol that’s the creepiest alley 'pencil dick’ 'chicken shit’ nice. ahaha weird kid giving him shit 'fruitcake’ i hope he leaves him alone like surely its in his best interest to leave the guys who are convinced he’s not a vampire to live? the way he’s dragging amy around is pretty messed. it doesn’t make sense for the weird kid to die. like he doesn’t believe mate is a vampire. but now he will so? that trenchcoat is horrific the shoulders are like double his width he’s just slow walking toward him while weird kid is scrambling about tripping over rubbish but now he’s trappeeddddd #leaveweirdkidalone  oh damn nvm he’s bruce banner’s redfield and he’s going under the trenchcoat, pressed to banner’s chest. we’re only halfway through where is this all going. oh ahaha they’re doing the lets run as fast as we can and ol mate keeps strolling out in front of us and now they’re in a bar oh god now he’s calling the police. whoop oh damn weird kid’s a vampire ahahahahahahaha oh shit leather jacket fucked up hair jerky movements - oh damn just took a cross to the face - can still cry human tears sweating like crazy, yellow eyes, crosses fuck em up and out the window he go ahaha lol he’s calling the cops a fucking gain god he’s so rough with her now bruce banner s in the club god he’s really not that attractive like at all - he’s got a good brow and hair but that’s it. he’s not intimidating, he doesn’t stand out holy fuck that lady in red - the platinum blonde. just strolling closer and closer, left to right right to left and dumbass is just on the phone and Amy is like hell yeah licking her lips his lower jaw is like broken the way it moves. He didn’t have to touch her for her to stop she’s in a daze under his spell and he knows she can’t escape it, rubbing her hand on his ass lol what the fuck putting his on her’s oh he pulled back her collar and went to bite and she jerked back but not in a scared more like a fuck off now what you thinkin boii challenge eyes uh oh both of their collarbones are exposed and my god she’s tiny and making out with his chest and what the fuck oh just on her knees thought she was going down on him in the middle of the club dumbass is all upset that the girl he’s been dragging around and leading on and treating badly is chilling in the arms of a vampire who, if nothing else, is indeed more handsome than dumbass but at the same time he’s a vampire and I think Amy is in highschool so that makes her what?? oh fuck bruce banner killed the two black bouncers in front of the whole club now there’s chaooooos people screaming  amy and charlie separated in the crowd, bruce banner scoops her up 'AAAAMYYYY’ stretches a hand out dramatically toward her damn weird kid got weirder ahaha what is happening this is actually really great. god he’s whiny. it’s so good. people are fucking calling the police left right and now dumbass has finally figured they won’t believe him or help him. oh lil mate peter vincent is like a proper good actor where did they get him amongst these screaming children. 'amy is gonna die, me too probably’ lol this writing oh damn she wakes on a fur blanket in front of a fire in a white dress that permed hair is so fucked there’s paintings of pretty ladies all around and one of them is blonde amy and there he is with his shirt unbuttoned pants buckled up to the navel like damn, dark hair all ruffled - hs head is too big for his shoulders ew what is this kiss she’s shaking with fear, he is like almost crying for some reason and now she’s okay and taking her titties out and coming after him  and here’s some weird slow kissing and damn he bit her damn wouldn’t you fuck first? fkn charlie in his professor jacket snooping about in the shadows with a big ugly gold cross on that house is perfectly spooky holy shit peter scared the fuck outta me damn he got a box of 'props’ which will actually work, got a gun to take care of billy or whatever, his human buddy they wanna sneak in but the front door opened for them oh damn don’t let anything happen to peter he’s precious. it’s like reading a teen adventure story - good simple but memorable characters, good story with lots going on, not deep or thought-inducing just a fun time  now here’s bruce 'welcome to Fright Night’ all chill just standing there in like a priest’s shirt? no bruce leave vincent alone. oh what the fuck making a weird moaning noise as he backs away from the cross - #leavevincentalone oh fuck weird kid is terrifying  wtf now he’s a wolf demon wolf ruff ruff puppyy oh shit he stabbed the puppy and it yeeted over the banister hit the chandelier and holy fuck that is the worst puppeteering attempt or whatever the fuck they’re going for ever - its a plush toy twitching out and now ewwwww what the fuck is that i thought vampires were vampires not like weird wolf gremlin things - its slowly dying with this stake in it, all thin fingers, whines, and cries holy shit this is taking a while. vincent is crying and holy shit its just weird kid crying with a big table leg in him and now he’s dead holy shit and the cross mark healed and he’s naked. bruce is oh fuck Amy is a vampire —“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ the drama. can you imagine walking into someone’s house and there’s a naked dead kid with a table-leg through his chest on the foyer floor. the house is pouring out dry ice and green lazer lights and vincent is back my brave boy, with a table-leg and a box all ready to fight. dumbass is struggling to cry over his girl. AMy is turning, I think bruce is making her a coffin. what here we go - everything is as it was in the movies like all the stereotypical shit so now they’re gotta kill Bruce before sunrise so she doesn’t fully turn. monotone - 'stop or i’ll shoot. don’t force me to shoot’ *shoots billy boy in the fkn head* orange eyes man whats with the weird groans and noises when flinching back from the crosses looks like billy boy aint dead after all holy shit blood everywhere yeah just keep shooting im sure that will help oh damn he the terminator - nope he a zombie fuck run don’t ust holy shit he staked him i thought vincent was gonna die he’s dripping green slime he’s got the ebola what the fuck ohmygod ohmygodholyfuckjesus christchrist fuck my god. well that was terrifying. move aside indiana jones . peter ahahah 'eeehhh’ of bruce chillin outside the window. he uses like fifty different voices and accents 'show me how much you love me amy, kill them both. rraaaargghhhh! *elbows a fkn wall* oh damn at least her gross perm is gone. rarrrrgh! *nervous cross and slow back out of the door* jesus what the fuck his bottom jaw is even worse now he just fkn crashed through the pretty round window.  that jacket damn i hate it so much. oh damn is that the sun? looks like the night is done dumbass and he believes he believes and damn that’s a lot of clocks chiming 6am i think it’s 6am. im sorry what the fuck was that did he just get sniped wat the fuck its a gremlin bat oh my god with fangs and shit its scratching him up oh no it bit dumbass what a shame and ohh he burning in green flame in the light of the sun but he fucked off to the basement where he gone vincent’s cut is gone and dumbass doesn’t seem too worried about his bitten arm. whoop it’s amy all wild hair and long white dress orange eyes, smoky lids, big ass fangs and red lips oh damn what the fucking shit 'it’s not my fault you promised you wouldnt let him get me you promised’ she cries then spins around and its actual fear in his eyes as he screams at the sight of her heavily fanged mouth that reaches from one side of her face to the other jesus cchrist that mouth is terrifying i really am not a fan damn yikes man run ew oh no everyone is in trouble, he is hammering that shit fuck everyone is all kinds of messed up these vampires would have them killed in a second this whole sunlight thing is bull - just cause his face is in the light doesn’t mean you can’t get their legs lol come on the disco-balls are shining and ol mate finally decides to try use his outfit - peter closed his coffin and now he’s trapped i kinda want one of them to die oh damn nvm green flame he went shooting and flying back with the force of that sunlight i think he’s dead 'reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’ damn what the hell is that skeleton 'AAAAAAMYYYYY’ he cried as he died like what some stories need more depth beyond hey i got a picture of someone who looks exactly like you, imma bite you cause now we’re in love, hey kill your ex to prove you love me, i love you and now im dead . oh god worst part is amy’s hair is back in that perm how the fuck. 'we’ve been going in a circle! we’re right back where we started from’ is the opening to the next scene which is dumbass and amy making out in his room - that’s fkn sick, again 'Fright Night’ is back on with ol mate peter vincent. oh no peter vincent on about aliens wait what was that red eyes in the window is ol mate still alive perhaps ew amy deserves better  but hey what the fuck weird kid survived?? oh he removed the stake damn ahaha. what a movie that was a pretty fun time = 3.5/5

[la-fille-en-aiguilles]

Young!Remus Lupin x Female Reader: Marauder Invasion (Night Intruder, Part 2)

A/N: Un-fucking-believable, pardon my french. I’m sorry to sound like a broken record, but I just want to take a second to thank each and every one of you for the time you’ve accorded to this reader insert, it honestly means the world to me. The support you’ve shown came completely unexpected and I honestly hope that you guys are going to like what follows! The third part is probably going to be out before the end of the week, if you would still want to read what I have all mapped out in my head, that is lol

WARNINGS: Marauder squad (a very legit warning if you think about it), a LOT of swear words and my hideous English - the usual. New to the series? Accio first part! P.S. This gif made by talented @potter-imagines-here is this part summed up. I couldn’t resist :)  As always, I hope you enjoy, lads xo

Sitting in the Grand Hall, you tried desperately to focus on the Transfiguration essay you had finished writing yesterday, proof-reading it. Both Lily and Marlene kept silent, their interest in cinnamon-sprinkled porridge phenomenal. 

When you finally abandoned any attempt to fall asleep at around six in the morning, you lay in your bed struggling to keep your mind from wandering towards a certain Gryffindor Scarface, whom you once considered your best friend. As you kept rereading the same line in your Herbology textbook an hour later, sitting cross-legged on your pillows, you heard Lily’s worried ramble, as she grabbed your shoulders, still half asleep, her piercing green eyes studying your face.

“Y/N, are you hurt?!”

“What?” you furrowed your eyebrows, looking at your friend as if she’d gone mental.

“Your face…” Lily said, confused, not noticing any visible scratches.

“Oh!” it finally dawned on you as you jumped off your bed, leaving Lily behind. “It’s nothing, it’s just…”

“You didn’t kill that poor guy last night, did you?” Marlene asked, disappointed, awoken by all the commotion.

“No, I…” your brain was running at the speed of sound, trying to come up with a legit excuse for the blood smudged all over your face. The fact that you couldn’t invent anything that very instant was maddening you even more – you were sick of lying for Remus. “I guess I cut my palm and the blood ended up all over my face… You know how agitated my sleep gets, so…” Lie number 10005000697.

From the looks on girls’ faces they didn’t buy it, nor did they ask any more questions ever since, not even regarding last night’s visit. As a matter of fact, they refused to talk to you, point blank. And you were perfectly fine with that – if someone would make you lie on Remus Lupin’s behalf one more fucking time, you were going to kill your now least favorite werewolf in the world.

When you were about to pack your things and head for your Potions class, you felt the bench you were sitting on tremble, as masculine voices echoed all around you.

“Marlene, Lils,” you barely found the strength to crush a groan in your throat before you could let it out. “Do you mind if we steal Y/N here for a couple of minutes?” the infamous Gryffindor Chaser, James Potter, placed a chaste kiss on top of Lily’s head, standing across the table from you, his eyes fixed firmly on yours.

“Make it fifteen,” you turned your head to your right just to meet Sirius Black’s resting smug face. This boy had so much swagger you internally wished he’d choke on it one day.

“It’s important,” a small voice to your left added and you didn’t have to turn around to know that Peter Pettigrew was sitting there.

What is this, a fucking Marauder Invasion? you thought, grabbing your essay and standing up in an attempt to flee.

Before you could make as much as a step away from the trio, both Sirius and Peter placed their hands on your shoulders, making you sit back down.

“On a different note,” you heard Sirius speak sweetly. “We can talk here.”

You turned his way and honestly contemplated whether you should silently hex him. Noticing your glare, Sirius did justice to his name for once, his smile quickly fading. Moony had probably told him all about your non-verbal ways of performing spells.

“It’s okay,” you snapped your head back only to see both Lily and Marlene standing up. “You can stay here. We have finished eating anyway”.

You tried to catch Lily’s eye, silently begging her to stay, but she only muttered ‘see you’ and both girls disappeared from the Great Hall so fast as if they learned how to apparate. You followed them with your narrowed eyes, unbelieving. You could bet a galleon both Lily and Marlene knew what was going on, thanks to Potter and his sidekicks.

“So, Y/N”, James took Lily’s seat right in front of you, studying you face. You stared back at him, daring him to continue. You were never close with James or any other of the Marauder squad except for Remus. In fact, you were positive the legendary marauders were scared of you shitless. “I bet you know what we came here to talk to you about”.

You rolled your eyes, masterfully hiding the expression of utter surprise behind it. What did Remus tell them? Why in the world would they come to plead his case considering they didn’t even know you?

“We think you might have misunderstood Moony last night”, Peter let out, letting go of your shoulder.

You directed your glance at him with a burning desire to facepalm. This was just plain stupid. You couldn’t believe Remus would talk his friends into having this conversation with you.

“Oh I understood him alright,” you assured them, your gaze travelling from one marauder to another. “And even though I have no fucking idea what you four fuckboys were up to last night, I think it’s only fair that Remus should come banging on my door himself to justify that shitty stunt he pulled! I am so done playing Madame Pomfrey with that jerk seeing that he has his head so far up his ass that he just wouldn’t see how my heart can’t take seeing him bleed anymore!”

It took a minute for the meaning of your words to settle in. When you realized you might have just confessed your undying love to a certain werewolf in front of the three closest people Remus had – after you, of course – strangely, you couldn’t bring yourself to give a flying fuck. Last night and this whole consequent mess had started to finally have its toll on you, and a part of you was glad that your naked feelings were now out in the relative open.

“I will just pretend I didn’t hear ‘the fuckboys’ part, because the rest of it is brilliant”, Sirius finally spoke, making you turn his way. “I know we have never been that close, Y/N, but I have it on a good authority that you are a girl to die for, you get what I mean?” you raised your brows at him in confusion.

“We weren’t with Remus last night, Y/N”, James informed you in a low voice. “That idiot got himself in a double duel with Gerard Crabbe and Lucius Malfoy when he heard what these two trolls were saying behind your back… And he didn’t even invite us.”

Your breath hitched as you felt the drops of cold sweat roll down your back. Oh Merlin, he couldn’t have…

“When he went out of the dorm yesterday he told us he had a date in the Astronomy Tower”, Peter picked up where James had left off. “Of course we automatically assumed that he had finally grown a pair and was going to tell you how he felt about you. Sirius and James wanted to follow him, but I talked them both out of it, privacy and all… I wished I didn’t though’, Peter added, his voice small and sad.

“Oh My Godric,” you subconsciously covered your mouth with a palm of your hand, the scene from last night playing over and over in your head.

“…So when he came back at night all three of us were already asleep, it wasn’t until this morning that he told us what had actually happened. We spent two hours searching for this,” Sirius produced Rem’s wand out of his robes, as your best friends’ voice resonated in your ears:

I don’t have it… I lost it when I fell…

“Is this all some kind of an attempt to redeem Remus in my eyes? Please tell me it is!” you urged all three of them, imagining all too-well Remus standing up for you after Lucius and Gerard called you a mudblood behind your back and getting himself a double duel rendez-vous. Actually, that sounded exactly like what Moony would do. Remus John Lupin, always a gentleman.

“No,” all three Marauders showed no mercy, shaking their heads negatively.

“Moony doesn’t even know we’re here talking to you”, James added, his eyes darting around warily. Somehow you got a feeling that if Remus had known, the remaining three marauders would have ended up running from his hexes faster than Snivellus from shampoo.

You felt blood boil in your veins as a wave of anger consumed you.

“What a stupid moron! I bet that Malfoy bitch insulted me on purpose… What kind of idiot would fall for that?” you felt your face redden against your will and you smashed both of your hands on the table surface, making a couple of heads turn in your direction.

“A head-over-heels-in-love idiot, I’d say”, Sirius winked at you.

You closed your eyes for a second, regaining composure, trying to prevent your heart from jumping out of your ribcage. Remus, your best friend, was in love with you. And you told him yesterday that you wanted nothing to do with him.

Still, some things didn’t add up. He must have noticed how much you cared for his sorry ass. Why didn’t he tell you he cared for you too, or at least didn’t kiss you senseless, instead of walking away every time the atmosphere in the room got heated?

“Okay, you three, listen to me,” you opened your eyes abruptly, eyeing all three of them. “This changes nothing. Don’t expect me to wear a Marauders T-shirt now that you’ve helped me learn what has really happened. I still disapprove of your ways of having fun.”

Just when Sirius was about to open his mouth to protest, obviously willing to tell you more about all those ways in which you two could have fun, James shut him up with a very telltale look.

“And If you tell Moony I love him before I do, I will skin you alive, is that clear?” you finished, pretending not to notice their antics.

Your message was definitely received. Peter nodded frantically, moving a couple of inches away from you. James threw both of his hands in the air, his expression dead-serious.

“Clear as vodka”, Sirius swallowed hard, a mix of fear and admiration almost tangible in his voice.

The sound of the school bell reached your ears.

“Alrighty then,” James seemed way too happy at this beginning of the school day announcement. ���See ya around then, Y/N?”

Not waiting for your answer, the three marauders rushed out of the Great Hall, never before had been so keen on making it to their Potions class on time.

As expected, Remus never showed. Considering that his broken hand was the last to be healed, you thought you might have done a next to shitty job on it. Your mind fixed on how bad Remus was having it that very instant, you completely fell out of the class discussion. When Slughorn asked you something about a poison antidote, you didn’t have a slightest idea what the conversation was all about.

“You just made your House lose ten points, Mrs Y/L/N,” all the Gryffindors groaned silently. “And earned yourself a three hour detention. Maybe next time you’ll honor my lectures by paying your undivided attention to what I’m saying”.

The day passed in a blur. Every single time you wanted to go see Remus in the boys’ dorm, fate seemed to be against it. Professor McGonagall asked you to help her out with the preparations for tomorrow’s class right before lunch, so you missed the meal entirely, rushing to the DADA class and still not making it on time, but luckily, getting away with a warning.  

When at 8 p.m. you finally made it back to the dungeons to complete your detention, you were a nervous, tired mess. Scrubbing what seemed like century old cauldrons clean, you somehow managed to fall asleep, exhausted from last night and a really bad day you were having. When you stirred awake, one of your hands buried inside an exceptionally disgusting cauldron, professor Slughorn came in, saying he’d accompany you, seeing it was well past 10 p.m.

When you stumbled through the hole behind the Fat Lady’s portrait, struggling to keep your eyes open, you tried to stop yourself from nurturing a tiny hope living in your chest that Remus would be waiting for you in the Common Room, as usual. You heart still fell once you spotted no one in the dimly lit chambers – crushing a sigh in its wake, you slowly made your way up, to the room you shared with Lily and Marlene.

The talk you ached to have with Remus was going to have to wait.

My first ever and oh-so special tag: @zakthedrak 

[nora-reads-homestuck]

Nora Reads HS Part 66

Pages 6056-6093

Hey guys! Things got busy busy busy with work and the holidays, but like Slim Shady, I am back. Last time we got brief introductions to Jane and Jake, the post-Scratch young Nanna and Grandpa, respectively, and it was interesting to see how the modern setting meshed with their old-timey dialogic idiosyncrasies. I’m very much looking forward to (hopefully!) meeting young Mom and Bro this time around and learning what they’re like. So far all I know for certain is that Bro is as elusive as his pre-Scratch counterpart, and Mom and Jane are, like, BFFsies or something. I feel like we’ve gotten some minor sneak peeks into their personalities after seeing adult!Mom’s pink, girly bedroom in the Skaianet lab, and... oh god... from Bro’s awful comics. How will these quirks translate into fully-fleshed teenagers, and just how fucked up will young Bro be?

Let’s find out! ^0^

*click*

Jane: Answer Lalonde.

OH MY GOD SHE IS SO FUCKING CUTE. We are 2/2 on post-Scratch girls being GODDAMNED ADORABLE. I love her little pink phone, and her mutant kitty symbol, and her hair curlicue, and her tights under her skirt (are those leg warmers?), and her... martini?? Ok, so, these kids are still kids, right? If this is November 2011 and Jane’s thirteenth birthday was 3 years ago, then young Mom should only be just about to turn seventeen. Adult Mom obviously had a habitual hankering for hooch, but it’s weird and kind of worrying to see that carry over into her teenage self. Anyway, let’s see what she’s got to say!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 11:24

Huh, so she’s got Dave’s pesterchum initials, and not Rose’s. Come to think of it, Jane has Jade’s initials, and not John’s. So then I guess I’d expect Bro to have Rose’s initials... which is odd. Anyway, her handle seems to confirm that she’s a drunk-o teen (where is Rose during all this??), and may possibly be awake on Derse, even if, like Dave, she doesn’t know it.

TG: jane

PINK TEXT AAAAAH CUTE

TG: hey TG: jaaaney TG: ansrew plz TG: *answer TG: jaaaaaaaaaane GG: Omg.

JESUS, MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. So like... she not only has Dave’s initials, but she fucking talks like him??? And is apparently legit drunk during the day. Like I said, that bit is concerning, but I admit it is fucking hilarious that she talks and acts nothing like Rose. No wonder the poor kid had such a hard time understanding her.

GG: Overreact much? I kept you waiting for all of two seconds! GG: Where have you been today? TG: nowhere just chilling here TG: when all of the sudden GG: "All of a sudden." TG: when all of the sudden

Hahaha, I know someone who consistently says ‘all of the sudden’, and it hurts me not to correct them all the time. (They also say ‘yield’ instead of ‘wield’, and how could you ever think ‘unyieldy’ was a word.) And let it not go unremarked upon that I fucking LOVE that Mom just repeated herself anyway. Didn’t Dave do that once or twice when someone tried to correct him?

TG: it hits me TG: thaf we have somethig really fuckin important to talk about GG: This hit you just now? We made plans to get in touch early this morning, and I have seen neither hide nor hair of you all day. TG: it hits me that TG: jakes bday is coming up really soon TG: just a few days before mine remembr

Hmm, so their birthdays are the same as their pre-Scratch counterparts. Also, heh, I get the feeling that Jake’s birthday was definitely not what they’d made plans to talk about.

TG: or i guess it would be if it wasnt for the end of the world thats about to happen GG: Oh, for Pete's sake.

Whoa whoa whoa!! So Mom knows enough about the game to know that it’s going to end the world. Not even Jade, with her ‘precognitive’ abilities, knew that ahead of time. Hell, Aradia only knew because she was in communication with ghosts, and Sollux didn’t figure it out until right before it happened. I guess that’s where the ‘gnostalgic’ comes in. (Side note: that’s a really clever portmanteau and I’m almost jealous I didn’t think of it.)

TG: i just wanted your advice on what to get him TG: something sentimental i guess? but i mean im mostly tapped out of precious heirlooms atm so idk TG: but not like anything coming on too strong TG: something that says TG: this is totes platonic and everything TG: no eyebrow raising funnybiz is goin on over here TG: but still says you know TG: call me TG: if you wanna

...Aaaaaand Mom has the hots for Jake, apparently. Huh, that’s kind of fucked up in a way, considering her adult self hooked up with John’s Dad. Oh god, that pairing isn’t going to carry over to her liking Jane’s Dad, is it??

I wonder how difficult it was for Hussie to type out ‘totes’.

GG: Grrr. GG: Now I know you're joking around to get my goat.

To get it, and then, say, tote it?

TG: ahaha TG: yeah TG: the goat getting thing i mean TG: but joking oh no i think not TG: u dont think that if i didnt say he was off limits on account of you being my best friend TG: i wouldnt be all the hell over that????

So... Jane and Jake are already dating?? I guess that is the prescribed ‘canon’ pairing, so that makes sense. Does Mom LittleLonde—that’s what she’ll be from now on—also have the hots for young Bro then? Or maybe she just wants to bone everything/everyone. I can feel that.

TG: daaaaamn TG: that rugged senseof adventure TG: the delightful silly vernacular thats like TG: weirdly and bewitchingly not self aware TG: those adorbable teeth TG: swoooooooooon <3

Yes, those are definitely all swoonworthy things. ...Hah, I can totally deal with ‘adorabable’. It’s weird, but after reading all the trolls’ quirks, I kind of skip over the typos unless she calls them out herself.

GG: Nooooo, stop. :( TG: well shit jane TG: what am i even supposed to do TG: i cant hit on anybody and appaprently i can entertain nary a frisky THOUGHT about anyboby because apparentley evrybodies OFF LIMITS!!!!! TG: *buncha goddamn typos TG: shit suuucks TG: you dont even let me say your dad is hot even though we both know he way the fuck is i mean come one TG: *one TG: *on GG: Yeah. Because it's weird!

OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE HER. I mean yeah, it is pretty damn weird that she’s still got... daddy issues... but, ‘*buncha goddamn typos’?? Anybody would be lucky to have her.

...Huh. Now that I’m thinking about it, is Jane’s Dad exactly the same as John’s Dad? They look the same, but... how would that even work? Maybe he was adopted, and isn’t actually related to John and Jane at all, so his existence and physical appearance aren’t contingent upon anything game-related?

GG: And you're drunk. :P TG: correction TG: drinking TG: prensent tense TG: grammar jane

GG: I don't see why you don't try to court the favor of Mr. Strider. If you ask me, he and you are perfect for each other.

Again, a ‘canon’ pairing getting called out. Are they going to be played straight, or hilariously subverted like Karkat’s shipping grid?

TG: oh jane TG: so naive

Silly Jane; he’s clearly only into plush rump. *shudder*

TG: soooo niaev GG: Lordy. GG: How can you be this far gone so early? GG: It isn't even noon yet.

Yes, that is a very good question. Weirdly, I’m glad that this is at least getting called out; if her being drunk were played just for laughs, it might have been a bit distasteful. Addiction is an issue I’m rather painfully familiar with. It’ll be interesting to see how this plays out, if it does.

TG: you forget we live in very different time zones TG: its a lot later here GG: You're three hours ahead of me! TG: youd would be amazed TG: how much can happen TG: in 3 hours

She’s not like... already entering the game, is she? And she does still live in New York, right?

GG: Tsk. What would your mother have to say if she caught you? TG: p sure she wouldnt give a shit TG: i mean TG: shes the one who stocked thegod damn liquor cabinets in the firts place TG: i dont even think she ever had a drop in her life probably TG: so why else is she puttin it there it was like TG: a passive aggrassive dare for me TG: *aggressive TG: jut the sort of mind game she would play

HOLY SHIT, what is going on here?? I’m a bit surprised that LittleLonde would have the same contentious relationship with her ‘Mom’ that Rose did, given their wildly different personalities and LittleLonde’s cheeriness so far. But she has a good point; if Rose doesn’t drink, then is the liquor cabinet just... some sort of test she’s putting LittleLonde through, and refusing to step in when she fails it? That’s fucked up.

GG: So even if your insane and paranoid theory happens to be true, your response is, "Screw it! Time to help myself to all this mind game booze." TG: yuuuuuuuuuuuup TG: pppp mcuh

Yeah, stick it to the Man. :\

GG: Groan. You are completely impossible like this. GG: I cannot believe you chose to do this today of all days. I should have known better! GG: Here I am waking up bright and early, waiting all day with my nose pressed against this glass for the mail to come and wondering if you'll ever log on, and all the while you are just getting blind stinking schnocker-bottomed drunk.

*steals ‘schnocker-bottomed’ for my own vocabulary*

TG: watcha waiting for TG: in the mail TG: is something happening today or something GG: &%#$@!!! GG: The alpha! GG: Jeez-Louise, you are hopeless. TG: oh yeah TG: that thing

Ahahahaha. I can’t fucking get over how adorable it is that she’s basically cutesy girl!Dave when it comes to being slightly ditzy and forgetful. And NO, Chrome; you are not going to autocorrect ‘ditzy’ to ‘ditsy’, that’s dumb.

GG: Are you at all ready to play if it comes? TG: i guess TG: but TG: you sure you even want to play this thing TG: u know its just what the batterwitch wants you to do GG: Not this again. 

WOW, WELP. 8|

So it looks like LittleLonde knows exactly what’s going on, and knows that the Batterwitch intends to interfere somehow with the new Sburb session. That’s an interesting twist, having a drunk oracle who no one will take seriously because she’s ””schnocker-bottomed””.

TG: if you want to go ahead and be a chump jane its ur call im just saying TG: i know what a chump looks like TG: and you dont look like no chump i ever saw TG: if you go thru with this ill have to add your porfile to my chump roll

Heh heh. (AAH THAT PAGE QUOTE.)

GG: The "Batterwitch" DOES NOT EXIST! GG: It is an idiotic urban legend. GG: How many times have I explained this? My great, great grandmother who founded the company and is accused of holding this identity would have to be almost two hundred years old if she were still alive today. The idea is such preposterous hogwash it's hardly worth dignifying with a rational response.

[Insert obligatory “It’s more likely than you think.”] Gosh, I can foresee her refusal to believe what’s going on being frustrating later down the line.

GG: The iconic face of the company isn't even a real person! She was fabricated long ago during the company's fledgling years.

BECAUSE THE REAL FOUNDER WAS AN ALIEN, DUNKASS. ...Yep, already a bit frustrating. We’re not at Wheel of Time levels of miscommunication/trust issues yet, though.

TG: right TG: as TG: you know TG: an alter ego TG: for somethig more sinister GG: Such cuckoobird nonsense.

AAUUUGHH, no fucking wonder LittleLonde drinks.

GG: Have you even obtained your copy yet?? TG: um TG: heh TG: yes "obtianed" TG: suuure did GG: Through your various technologically crypotgraphic means, I presume? TG: oh you bet TG: hacked the SHIT out of those TIGHT mainframes and all TG: said jackpot like TG: a BUNCH of times TG: all those TG: cyhpers and bobbytraps TG: backdoor trojans and what not TG: were no match TG: 4 mai codez TG: snicker GG: :|

Jesus, this sounds like Dave trying to talk about sports. Or, Hackers. Does LittleLonde actually know what she’s talking about?

GG: I am quizzically narrowing my eyes trying to solve the joke you are attempting, assuming it even is one. TG: ok jane what im saying is that TG: in the parlance of baking cause i know that is what gets you off TG: is that TG: it was a fuckin cakewake TG: **cakewalk GG: Oh.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I LOVE THIS GIRL.

TG: like by wich i mean not to say hur hur im hottest shit haxxor bitch you ever knew TG: as deadlay to the corporate grid ass she is beatuiful TG: which i AM but TG: what i mean is shit wasnt even guarded TG: it was just TG: some files TG: that were there TG: unsecured TG: and i took them TG: jacked them right offa that intraweb telematrice TG: then applied lipstick TG: femme fatale style TG: and was like shit yes i ALL KINDS of know how to use my web browser to download serveral files

I’M FUCKIN’ WEEPING

GG: Hrm. That is a bit puzzling. I thought this software was highly proprietary. TG: i told you TG: she wants you to play TG: wants us all to TG: part of her BIG PLANS TG: and ur playing right into em TG: like TG: a TG: chhhhhhhhhhhhh....

...ode?

Anyway, this would seem to lend credence to the idea that the Batterwitch is Earth’s new First Guardian, pulling the strings from behind the scenes the way Doc Scratch did with the trolls in order to further her employer’s designs.

GG: Ump, yes, I know. You've made yourself clear.

Dammit.

GG: But what doesn't add up about your story is, GG: I believe SOMEBODY doesn't want me to play. GG: How else do you explain the recent attempts on my life?

Whoa, what? Like, assassination attempts, because she’s the heir to Betty Crocker? Looks like LittleLonde might not be the only one who understands that there is something very... fishy going on.

TG: orrrr TG: its just more connivings of the witch GG: So this hypothetical monstrosity wants me to succeed, but also wants me to die? GG: Makes a lot of sense! TG: wouldnt put it past her TG: makes you feel perpsecuted TG: redoubles your determination to play TG: u advance her plans in whatever incomprehensible way TG: until suddenly you did evrything she needed you to TG: at which point you become craaaaazy expendable yo TG: and then TG: she expends you TG: like a wad of boondollars on shitty bc merch

Seems a bit more convoluted than Doc Scratch’s approach, if such a thing were even possible. ...On second thought, no, literally nothing could be more convoluted than Doc Scratch. Maybe it’s not convoluted, per se, and more just really, really bad planning.

GG: I see. This is sounding less like a crackpot conspiracy theory by the minute! TG: w/e alls im saying is a bunch of stuff thats def true to the max

I know it would break with the naming scheme, but could LittleLonde be named Cassie? Or just Cass? That would fit.

TG: my drunk butts tune will stay as unchanged as it will remain un not drunk

Spoiler: she farts in F#.

TG: makr my barley corerent words

She’s self-aware, if nothing else. Does she drink beer?

GG: If years ago someone told me, which incidentally someone DID, that today I would have an exclusive opportunity to play what is absolutely the most cutting edge immersive simulation game ever released, developed by a company which has already done so much for the advancement of humanity, I would have said, "Shucks, buster, sign me up!"

Uh, well, who told her years go? Was it LittleLonde?? Because you’d think that would lend some credence to her claims, but noooOOoooo.

TG: jane GG: Yes? TG: jaaaane GG: What! TG: jane TG: did u know TG: that i am uttrely TG: IN LOVE TG: with the fact that TG: i have a best friend TG: who says things TG: like TG: shucks buster

littlelonde did u know that i am uttrely IN LOVE with u????

GG: Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... TG: wtf GG: The thing. GG: The flappy thing!

The little red arm-swingy-dealy! (Btw it’s called a semaphore. Also that took me a second to cotton on to and at first I had this image of Flappy Bird??)

GG: THE FLAPPY SWINGY DOODAD. GG: THE ARM DEALIE. GG: THE DEALIE, LALONDE, THE DEALIE!!! TG: wut

<3 <3 <3

GG: IT'S UP, IT'S UP, IT'S UP. TG: i dont get a lotta mail out here and im no mail expret TG: *expert TG: but TG: doesnt that mean not the right thing TG: like ur susposed to put it up if you want something taken away not have the guy put it up if mail comes TG: i think your mail man is quiet possibly a dumbass

Or your author; one of the two. :P

NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.

But wait, perhaps that is not so much the distinguished Inspector Clouseau as it is...

‘really fucking stupid’? That’s my guess.

THE WORLD RENOWNED INVESTIGATOR HERCULE POIROT, BECAUSE THE LITTLE CURLY MUSTACHE IS A LOT CUTER.

DAMMIT.

The great Poirot, in THIS house?? Such an honor. I will set the kettle to boil straightaway. Who would have guessed this home would be so heavily trafficked by famous French detectives at this time of day?

Followed by Dupin and Lecoq?

...Aaaaand it’s another character select! This seems to follow the pattern of the mess of photographs from Act 5; I click on characters one by one, then when I’m done, I click the link at the bottom of the page and move on. Hmm, hovering over LittleLonde and Bro shows location markers I can’t click, but which confirm they live in New York and Texas like their counterparts. Also, I realized that we’re continuing the trend of the post-Scratch kids’ color themes matching their pre-Scratch counterparts’ sprites. That means Bro will be typing in orange, most likely.

Back to Jake!

And just like that, back to Jake. What was it you were up to? Oh right, you were going to pick these dang guns up off the floor when you were interrupted by some fleeting imperceptible thought. You kind of space out sometimes.

For some reason the word ‘dang’ is inherently hilarious to me, especially when paired with ‘ol’. I have a friend who says “dang ol’ ___” all the time, and it cracks me the fuck up.

What’s up with all the vines, btw? No timeline shenanigans to steal Jade’s pumpkins?

You pick up your TWIN M9 BERETTAS, weapons of choice in an absurd arsenal inherited from an eccentric old woman. Guns are so cool. Your GRANDMA was rad.

So Jade is dead, just like John. Booo. :’(

It's your authentic TOMB RAIDER SEXY THIGHSTRAP DOUBLE HOLSTER, complete with cool skullbuckle and everything. You like to think you pull it off about as well as Croft herself.

Uh, well, alright then. Nothing wrong with that.

You like to think that, but in truth you look ridiculous. You think you probably need shorter shorts to make it work? Probably skin tight shorts too. As it is, the cuffs of your baggy shorts get kind of bunched up underneath the thighstraps, which is uncomfortable and makes you look like a tool.

BAHAHAHAHA. Now, if Heero Yuy had tried to wear it...

> Jake: Examine bed.

Ooh, yes, this ought to be interesting. What’s up with his sheets?

You think your bed is some sort of electronic gadget. You're pretty sure those bedpost globes are supposed to glow like light bulbs under certain circumstances. But you've never been able to figure out what purpose it serves. Just more mysterious junk inherited from your eclectic GRANDMA.

HOLY SHIT, IS IT A QUEST BED??? Did she like... expect him to get killed before the game even started?? What would it do if he died on it outside the Incipisphere?

Movies are so great. You have never seen a movie you didn't like, you are pretty sure. People give you a hard time for that though. Gosh you love movies. Almost as much as you love skulls. And movies that have skulls in them? Oh my god.

Well then I bet he REALLY would have dug the fourth Indiana Jones movie that mercifully died in pre-production because the concept was so stupid.

Jake: Scope out those blue chicks.

You are oft-times the recipient of a good ribbing from Jane on account of your peculiar fascination with blue movie ladies. You don't have to justify yourself to her though. What is even her deal? Any fella would be off his ROCKER not to fawn over all these BODACIOUS BLUE KNOCKOUTS. You want to make out with all of them.

Well, Jane is a girl, and she’s sort of blue-themed... Not to mention she’s, like, canonically destined to end up with him.

I’m not sure whether that’s more or less respectable than John trying to kiss his Nic Cage poster.

Dear, sweet Neytiri from James Cameron's Avatar. Oh, if only you were the one who could have overcome his paralysis on an alien adventure planet to become her boyfriend, instead of that other guy.

Incidentally also named Jake, IIRC.

Then she could have shown you how to be bold and courageous, and stand up to fight for your people, and maybe later, engage in a bizarre extraterrestrial reproductive process involving ponytails, and a magical tree you guess?

Wait a second... a Page who imagines himself as a paralyzed guy on an adventure planet, who wants to learn from a blue chick to be bold and courageous, and then engage in a bizarre extraterrestrial reproductive process??

wHY DOES THIS SOUND, fAMILIAR,

:::;)

You'll show that curmudgeonly Strider who's just a gigantic shitty space furry.

PAHAHA. So young Bro is curmudgeonly, and has a vocabulary similar to Dave’s. I don’t doubt Hussie’s skill, but I’m still REALLY interested to see how Dave’s Bro is going to be transformed into an actual character, with like... feelings and stuff.

You will show him what marvelous creatures they are. You'll show him what a daring dream it is, to combine the finest qualities of humanity with...

Oh no, not this again

She says you sound just like John when you say stuff like that though, and that the two of you would get along famously. You can't wait to meet him.

THEY WAIT. I can’t wait until they meet either! I know that Act 6 is broken into many “”sub acts”” and I wonder how long we’re going to beat around the bush before the meetup happens.

Also there are some Cage flicks there. But who doesn't love a good Cage flick? Nobody is who. Dang, you would kill to get your hands on some authentic Cage movie memorabilia. But that'll probably have to remain a crazy dream.

Did... did he not realize before he sent Jane the bunny... :|a

AND HE EVEN STILL HAS ONE. Wait, how the hell did he get two bunnies??

The TRANSMATERIALIZER you have been using to ship it back and forth is wired to sync up your flow of time with hers, so it's not like you can just take forever with it, and send to the exact time she needs it - you've thought of that!

I don’t think this is happening exactly the way you’re imagining... Granted I don’t think anybody could have accurately guessed at what was really happening without copious hints.

Sure is gonna be a sweet gift. Reminds you a lot of the old ratty bunny you inherited from your GRANDMA, who of course is exactly who you are collaborating with to make this thing. Time loops make you feel a bit fuzzy in the head, but you've always suspected it could very well be the same bunny.

Phew, so he’s not a total numskull. That’s good.

At some point in the early 20th century, Jade gave this robo-rabbit to John, and then later it must have been wound up back with Jade... somehow? Then she... uh... removed all the robot parts, hung on to it until she was an old woman, and gave it to you?

Seems legit.

Jade tells you this little rabbit here, or Terry Kiser as you like to call him, will save John's life!

Terry... Kiser... fuck, I’m fucking dead. Creatures/objects having different names between kids is one of my favorite running jokes. Meowgon Spengler, or Vodka Mutini? Dear, sweet Casey, or Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer?

In fact, this project gave you a neat idea for what to do for Jane's 13th birthday a couple years ago. You and your other pals all coordinated gifts, each sending a customized rabbit. Lalonde happened to have another bunny heirloom like yours, and Strider... well, Strider was resourceful as usual.

OH LAWD, I don’t think I’m ready for the smubbit.

If John enjoys his gift anywhere near as much as Jane did, then it will be time well spent.

Which is to say, he’ll appreciate the thought but ultimately feel pretty ambivalent about it?

You have been plundering all of your devices for uranium to refuel the TRANSMATERIALIZER, which requires huge amounts of power any time it sendificates or appearifies the package from the past. Seems to you like excessive energy consumption for just a simple time machine, but what do you know? Unless it's doing something besides shipping it across time. You couldn't imagine what, though.

Ok, but even time travel requires 1.21 gigawatts, and that’s nothing to sniff at. ...Never mind, actually I looked it up and 1.21 gigawatts isn’t even all that hard to produce!

As much as it troubles your pride to admit, this project wouldn't be possible without help from your other two technologically savvy friends. And you are slowly coming to the regrettable conclusion that you will not be able to solve this uranium dilemma without asking for Strider's assistance. He's your best bro and all, but the dude never makes anything easy.

...Uh, what the hell does Bro know about... And how the hell would he get his hands on uranium?? Hm.

Hah, that’s pretty cool! It’s like tile Tetris.

You stash Terry in your PUZZLE MODUS. It's quite a handy modus, allowing you to captchalogue objects of any size, as long as you can fit them all in a finite space by maneuvering the cards around like a big game of Tetris.

Heh heh.

The space in your inventory is mainly hogged up by one incredibly huge thing. You guess you should get rid of it. But you can't shake the feeling you might need it someday, and you don't want to risk ditching it and be caught with your pants down later.

WHOA HOLY SHIT. What the hell is it?? And what do you want to bet that he’ll accidentally deploy it early, or lose it or something? ...Is it a giant matriorb?

Hmm, lots of Knight references over in this corner. Something to do with Dave or Karkat? I’m guessing Bro isn’t going to be a Knight if none of the other kids share classpects with their counterparts.

On your worktable there are a few comic books starring your favorite heroine of all, SPIDER-GIRL. You don't know what it is, but there's something about a girl who has spidery powers and a sassy attitude that is just so cool to you. It's just another quirky fact about you that definitely doesn't have any greater significance, and never will.

Oh GAWD. Is he going to end up with a similar arc to Tavros? Run into Vriska in a dream bubble and become the new Pupa Pan?

Well, as long as one of your preposterously numerous computers has spilled out of your sylladex, you might as well stop procrastinating and contact Strider to... hang on. Maybe later.

AAAAAH IT’S MYSTERY TROLL! Let’s see what she has to say! Normally I’d be miffed about missing out on kidchat, but this is fine. Also, troll computer!

uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering golgothasTerror [GT] at 5:45

...Did I completely skip over his chumhandle last time?? Golgatha is the hill on which Jesus was crucified, and literally means ‘place of the skull’.

UU: hello there, darling. ~3u

It took about half a minute and a lot of head tilting to realize this is supposed to be a winking kissy face. UGH she’s super cute. I do still wonder who she’s supposed to be, because Karkat’s ancestor was almost certainly not female, if my understanding of the Scratch is correct.

GT: Im determined as ever to see this through. But as usual events have conspired to make a boondoggle of the prospect. GT: I think i might be fucked.

Hah. I love the curses thrown into his otherwise ridiculous anachronistic patter.

GT: Terry needs fuel and i dont have any left. I think im at striders dubious mercy for a solution YET AGAIN. GT: I will have to ask him for help. And soon.

I still don’t understand how Bro is supposed to help! Is Dave like... a nuclear scientist in this universe, in addition to making a SBaHJ movie?

UU: i relayed the information enabling yoU to create the powerfUl weaponry yoUrself. UU: and yoU did! UU: yoU then sent them back in time. yoU may recover them in the rUins, which conveniently is where yoU mUst go to ship the package once and for all. UU: bangUp plan we hatched, dont yoU fancy? ^u^ GT: I see...

So... he makes the weapons after he enters the game, when he has access to the punch designix and the alchemiter, and then sends them back in the lotus pod? Interesting.

Gosh, she sure uses a lot of British slang, in addition to Commonwealth spellings. Is there a Troll England?

GT: That is what im doing right? Giving it to my grandma when she was a kid growing up on the same island i did? UU: that is somewhat close to the trUth, and i can see how yoU woUld draw that conclUsion.

This sounds like Hussie’s non-sarcastic stock response to wacky fan theories.

UU: perhaps a draft of the cascading seqUence from which yoUr reality has arisen will pUt yoUr mind at ease. UU: imagine two Universes, A and B. UU: now imagine there are two instances of each Universe, A1 and A2 and B1 and B2. UU: the first instance of each is like a test rUn, that does not qUite sUcceed. UU: the second instance thoUgh will meet all of its pUrposes! UU: now consider that A1 begets A2. UU: A2 begets B1. UU: and B1 begets B2. UU: and the participants of B2 are the ones who will make an effort to exit all this tUrbUlence and falderal.

That’s... actually reasonably straightforward and concise. So the troll universe we’re familiar with is A2, and the original human kids’ is B1. Even though A2 didn’t quite finish the way it was supposed to, its players, along with B1′s, will all gather in the successful B2.

Also, now the flash title ‘Cascade’ makes a lot more sense!

UU: and yoUr yoUng ancestor is another, thoUgh she is "presently" stationed in B1. UU: and yes she is in the past. UU: thoUgh not qUite as far as yoU believe!

Just under 3 years, by my count... So all of this collaboration between them happened before the game, and technically if he were able to talk to Jade right at this very moment, it would be a ‘past’ Jade from our perspective!

GT: I remember you mentioned your race doesnt really jive with ours familially speaking? UU: correct. i never knew those who one woUld identify as my parental eqUivalents. U_U

I don’t suppose the Mother Grub really counts as a ‘mom’ in anything approaching the human sense.

GT: When do i get to learn your name by the way? UU: hm trUthfUlly? UU: it may be for the best that yoU never know it. UU: it coUld stir Up some things best left in their present eqUilibriUm.

Kar...katina? I wonder what the deal is. Is it a whole ‘names have power’ kind of thing?

GT: Just please tell me in the least causally spoilery way possible... GT: What are we even trying to accomplish here? What is even the rootin tootin POINT of this game? UU: i think yoU will have more fUn than yoU can imagine finding oUt. UU: bUt stated concisely, and short of spoilerly as yoU so charmingly pUt it, UU: yoUr objective today is to pave the way for the arrival of gods.

And after that, it’s finally answering The Ultimate Riddle!

UGH WHY DOES HE HAVE A WHOLE COSPLAY’S WORTH OF LORD ENGLISH SHIT?? D:

You've been taught you should really carry no less than 5 computers on you at all times, like a sensible person.

Teehee, yeah, that’s Jade.

These were also inherited from your grandma.

But why would...

In addition to being quite the globe trotting adventuress, she was rather enterprising as well. Her company made many products like this, to compete with the corporation owned by the cruel baroness who raised her. Sadly, BCCorp eventually crushed her company and forced her into exile.

So not only did she name Jake ‘English’ (if she didn’t take the name herself), but she also manufactured Lord English-themed apparel... to compete with BCCorp?? But Lord English is HIC’s employer. How does that even work??

You have always hoped that when Jane takes over that foul conglomerate, she will right all of its unspeakable wrongs. You know she will! You believe in her, after all.

How very Page of Hope. I’m guessing his arc is going to combine some of Tavros’s Page struggles with Eridan’s lack of Hope. But since this universe is supposed to be the culmination of everything, the universe where everything finally plays out right, hopefully (hah) Jake will be more successful than either of those two. He doesn’t seem particularly shy or inept so far, nor is he a giant bag of dicks, so maybe he’s got the best of those two characters with none of their flaws.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, BRO’S SYMBOL IS A HAT. HOW FUCKING DOUCHEY CAN YOU GET. HE IS LITERALLY GAME BRO JESUS CHRIST.

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 5:57

Timaeus...? That’s familiar. *looks it up* Ah! We read Plato’s Timaeus in Philosophy; that’s why. I don’t remember much about it, but according to Wikipedia, it’s mostly hilariously inaccurate theories about the elemental geometric shapes the universe is made of, and there’s some stuff about the creation of the earth, the golden ratio, and Atlantis. Pretty appropriate for a Sburb player, I guess. If there’s any deeper meaning, I suspect I’ll only find out after I’ve been fed more information.

GT: Bro. GT: Ahem. GT: Are you there? GT: I hate to be a pest about this and i know ive made a hearty trouble of myself a good deal lately... TT: State your business, Jake.

OH MY GOD, HE TYPES LIKE ROSE. Like... for some reason I kind of fuckin’ love that??

GT: I should preface this request with an overture of appreciation. GT: For how much your cool and brotherly friendship means to me.

Brown-nose harder, Jake. I don’t think your face is satisfactorily wedged into his plush rump.

GT: It has just been... GT: Absolutely *bully* having a standup gent like you in my corner. GT: Just a grade a dude whos a cut above the others in class and camaraderie. GT: Phew... *gropes for fresh kerchief.* GT: I hope this shit isnt coming across as platitudinous. I really mean it!

Suuuuuure you do. No sarcasm there!

TT: Take it easy, bromide. TT: Just about the only way I could salvage endearment from this perilous slope of horseshit would be to discover, really fucking soon mind you, it was a preamble to some floundering invitation for me to rush to your vicinity as nakedly as possible.

...Huh. Hmmm. I... Hm. Well, that certainly is a thing that just got said. Gosh, him talking like Rose was so unexpected! I’m not sure what to make of it.

TT: But since we've already shot that wad's eventuality on so many dry runs of flustered ambivalence that were as hilarious as they were one sided,

One-sided on whose part? And... shit, does that mean everybody wants to smang it with Jake? Or is he saying that Jake gets flustered and hits on him?

TT: That leaves only one hope for this message to avoid spiraling toward qualification as a critical fucking defect in the hull of the Mach 10 rocket that is my precious spare time. TT: And that hope lies in the extent to which you were practicing artful insincerity. TT: Now's your opportunity to pretend that's what you were gunning for. I suggest you seize it.

*GROOOOOAN* Not this irony horseshit again!!

GT: I... GT: Oh. Yes! But of course. GT: The ironies! GT: Good grief how i was bandying them just now. You know me dude.

Pfffft.

GT: *Blows smoke off red hot irony pistol.* GT: *NONSUGGESTIVELY!!!!!* GT: Um. GT: Yeah.

So I guess it was one-sided on Bro’s part, and he’s a creepy lech in every universe! Yaaaaay.

TT: Ok, nice. TT: Now that your obsequious preface has been established as indisputably entertaining for all the right reasons, and intentionally so, TT: Let's bear down on these dire as shit needs you've got.

Urgh, I really do want to hate him, but I also like the way he talks. If he really is sort of a combo of Rose and Dave, some of my favorite characters, then I don’t know... Maybe he’ll grow on me.

TT: I'm guessing you're probably jonesing for uranium about now. No? GT: Pshaw! As if i would be so reckless with the stuff. GT: I would have to be mighty irresponsible to run out already. GT: No no im all set in the uranium department and really when you take a look at the big picture youll find i am *sitting pretty* when it comes to just about any radioactive isotope you could mention. GT: However... GT: My backup reserves that i keep strictly for emergencies are running a little lean! GT: You know what my grandma taught me about preparedness. *Tugs at colorful lapels.* TT: You are out of uranium. TT: It's basically mathematically impossible that's not why you're contacting me.

Ok, now I’m REALLY wondering how young Bro is meant to get Jake some uranium. Clearly he’s way smarter than I was prepared to give him credit for, and than his pre-Scratch counterpart implies, but still.

GT: Christ what an insufferable awesome friend you are.

Pffffahahaha.

GT: Ok can you please just sendificate me some more already?? Im in kind of a hurry! TT: You do know my offer still stands. GT: What?

It’s blowjobs for uranium, isn’t it.

TT: You know. I've offered to construct the rabbit for you many times before. I would craft a much deadlier model.

Oh. Oh GOD. So, he’s taken his interest in puppets, turned it up to eleven, and he builds robots?? Do they also have giant asses?

GT: Damn it man ive told you this is just something i have to do myself. GT: Its a promise i made to jade and im going to live up to it even if im not the best or even second best robosmith i know!

I guess the other robosmith is Jade. But is it his Grandma Jade, or is it the young, B1 Jade he’s in communication with?

TT: Yeah, I know this is your policy. You've done a good job and you should be proud. TT: But it's my responsibility as your friend to offer one last time.

Huh, that’s kind of nice of him.

TT: Just as it's my responsibility not to just fork over a bunch of uranium just because you ask me in a moment of weakness.

...Aaaaaand there we go. Is it weird that I’m getting a Sollux-ish kind of vibe from this guy? Like, he’s got a heart in there somewhere, but is super prickly 95% of the time. Maybe he’s like a durian: thick, spiky outer shell, squishy innards, and smells like a dirty diaper!

GT: Frig!!!!! GT: Why not??? TT: It's too easy. TT: And you yourself are the one staking pride in this. TT: If you were half-assing this project and made some slovenly plea for it, I'd just say, fuck it, here's a lot of green rocks dude, go nuts. GT: Ok then! Im halfassing it! GT: Look. See? Only a bisected bottom is present! Where is the other half you ask? GT: Why... it is nowhere to be found. I didnt use it! TT: Nope. Not buying it.

HAH. Yes, Bro is frustratingly shitty so far, but I admit I am enjoying this a little.

TT: I know that every ounce of your premium behind can be accounted for in that rabbit, and there's no goddamned denying it.

So he’s an ass man; who’d’ve thunk it.

TT: And you know perfectly well where some more uranium can be located. GT: Jesus christmas you are such a fucking douche.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Though, where, exactly?

GT: I knew you were going to suggest this. I dont know why i bothered asking! GT: Strider why must you always be such an obstinate stick in the mud??? TT: It seems that you consider me to be, no less than one hundred percent of the time, an obstinate stick in the mud. TT: I unironically respect your position on this matter. Hey, let's continue to exchange ideas. GT: Wait... GT: "It seems"??

...Eh? *looks back*

TT: It seems you think I am a fucking douche. TT: That's your opinion, I guess. That's cool.

I guess that is kind of a strange expression to use, especially twice within a very short span of time.

TT: What? GT: Oh for fucks sake. TT: Is something the matter, Jake? GT: This is your auto responder.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, the “”auto responder”” is a goddamn robot, isn’t it.

WHOA WHAT?? Ok, so it’s not a robot. It is... apparently... the Squirtle Squad shades, which young Bro still has. So it’s like Dave’s iShades, I guess, with a computer built into them? Anyway, it looks like we’re in the Strider apartment’s bathroom, which is architecturally identical to the original, same way as the other kids’ houses. Only now there’s robot!puppet shit lying around, and a dumb hat shirt hung on the wall. Where’s Bro himself?

TT: Look at that statement you just made.  TT: It's time for me to respond with some words, ideally chosen and arranged in a way that will wreck your shit, in a subtle and psychologically devastating way.

Jesus CHRIST. He’s Rose, only with the intent to psychologically damage people instead of just analyzing them. I didn’t even consider how fucking dangerous that could be. Er, well, at least his auto responder seems to act that way.

GT: Har har har! GT: Just soooo "*irooooonic*!!!" Quotes quotes quotes. GT: Im laughing my caboose STRAIGHT OFF THE TRACKS! A lot of families just died in the tragic derailment. TT: Ok, the caboose remark was actually pretty funny, Jake.

DAMMIT, I JUST SPIT WATER EVERYWHERE. What a Hussie thing to say.

TT: If I truly were what you say I am, I wouldn't be able to feel the human emotions of joy and laughter. No? GT: Laughter isnt an emotion dickprince!

Not to mention you just called them ‘human emotions’ like a troll!

TT: I think you should back your claims up with proof before you go heaving around such accusations. GT: Man its so flipping obvious. GT: You start getting kind of extra technical and vague and automoton like. GT: And kind of aloof and brusque. GT: I mean... GT: Even aloofier and brusquier than usual! GT: Also you use the phrase "it seems" a lot. Its so silly it really blows the AI immersion man.

So basically the auto responder is Bro’s actual personality dialed up to eleven? Yeah, I’m totally getting ‘extra douchey’ Sollux vibes from all of this.

TT: Bullshit. TT: I'm being like, the perfect dude right now. A fully fucking legitimate human being. GT: Ok then check this out mr legit human dude. GT: Excuse me sir not to be a bother but could you please tell me all about this strider fellows auto responder? TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 96% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.

AHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck, I think I actually kind of like this kid.

TT: Unimpressed. TT: Logical fallacies are as pervasive throughout your argument as your antiquated verbal tics. GT: Oh yeah? GT: Hey. Tell me about the auto responder. Make it snappy shitknickers!

FUCK ME SIDEWAYS

TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 93% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now. GT: Gee dude you sure typed that exact same thing pretty fast.

Not quite! I notice it was 96% indistinguishable last time.

GT: Are you still fucking with me?? TT: It could be a coincidence that I typed the same answer. GT: You always type that answer!!!!! TT: It could be a coincidence that I always type the same answer. GT: Uuuuuuugh.

Hah. Is the auto responder just a series of pre-programmed answers, or is it really legit fucking with Jake’s head here?

GT: I cant stand this. Every time we do this and i just wind up whistling sweet dixie out of my bum hole!

WHAT

THE

FUCK???

GT: This is pointless im not having this conversation unless its with my REAL LIFE FRIEND. THE ONE WITH HUMAN FEELINGS WHO ISNT A PRETEND PERSON INSIDE SUNGLASSES.

Hmm, so the auto responder really is contained inside the shades. How does that even work without all of Sburb’s alchemizing gear? Well, I guess if he can build robots, it’s not so much of a stretch...

Teeheeeeeeeee. <3

He's just so infuriating sometimes! Or at least his responder is. Ok, the real Strider is too.

Dave’s irony and rad slang combined with Rose’s psychological bullshit, infuriating?? WHAT A SURPRISE.

There's barely any difference between them anyway. The responder just uses a few more generic response templates. And even those you suspect the AI is savvy enough to use on purpose for the sake of irony, or to get a rise out of you or whatever. That silicon bastard knows damn well what it's doing.

Hah, well that answers that question I guess. Did it purposefully give itself away?

You shed this ridiculous outfit because you look like an idiot. It's time to get serious here. No more fooling around. You need a more dignified looking computer. A thinking man's computer.

Dad’s Bing Crosby laptop?

> Jake: Wear skulltop.

Sigh.

Much better. You look like you mean business. 

You look like a villainous tool!

GT: Jane! GT: Forgive my botherations. I know this is meant to be a spanking ripsnorter of a day for you and all. GT: But do you happen to know where the devilfucking dickens mr strider might be?

Ah yes, this conversation, continued previously.

GT: I really need to ask him something but hes got his blasted auto responder turned on. GG: Hoo hoo. GG: I love that thing. :B

Huh, I wonder what kind of conversations Jane and the responder have together. Jane doesn’t seem like the type to put up with too much bullshit.

Seriously, what is the deal with the vine? Also I thought that can said ‘Korn’ for a second and flipped out.

You are curious about Jane's dream. Sounds like it almost certainly has to do with your imminent adventure. You'll have to remember to get the scoop on that a little later.

RRUUAAARRRGH.

You have to go downstairs to check something out. You are pretty sure you know what you're going to find though.

Well, that’s mysterious, and a bit ominous.

You almost trip on the vine creeping up the stairs. Stupid vine. It's too bad your grandma's dead. She always had a way with keeping the flora in check.

Hmm. I’ve been talking about how all their houses are the same as the original kids’, but Jake’s is actually rather different. Did her garden get super out of control in this universe?

OH MY GOD IT IS PUMPKINS. And... is that a dreambot capsule?

Yeah, just like you thought. Empty. The thing is out there somewhere. Waiting for you. Oh god.

How can it be waiting for him if he’s awake? :|a

Speak of the devil fucking dickens.

Heh heh. Only, when he said it before, he didn’t put a space in it, and now I’m picturing Satan sticking it to Charles Dickens. So thanks for that image, Hussie.

TT: Hey, it's me. GT: Oh hey! TT: The auto-responder, I mean. GT: Dammit!

Wow, I actually kind of feel bad for the auto responder, if it’s at all sentient.

GT: Dammit! GT: What is it now? TT: I'm just wondering, TT: If you still have your stupid old-fangled knickers in a twist. TT: Because that's the sort of thing you would say. GT: In regard to what exactly? TT: To my proposal. Well, our proposal. GT: Whose proposal now? Man what are you even prattling about.

So I know I just read what the proposal actually is, but I had a half second of ‘YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED’ before I caught on.

TT: Mine and DS's. It's a joint proposal. I'm always authorized to speak on his behalf, because I'm basically fucking him. TT: And try not to take those last four words as a clustered literal sentiment. That would be lame and unfunny.

AHAHAHA BECAUSE I LITERALLY JUST DID THAT. Is that also a reference to the curiously spaced ‘devil fucking dickins’ above?

GT: You mean making the rabbit for me? TT: No, I know you don't want that. TT: I meant my recommendation for how to go about procuring a new supply of uranium. TT: Operation U-235 Brocurement. Codename: Big Man Hass the Rock.

Hahaha. So, we know that SBaHJ exists as a movie in this universe, but it seems the comics somehow also exist, unchanged enough that Bro/his auto responder can quote them.

GT: Oh yeah. GT: Well ive thought about it. GT: Even went downstairs to check the great vaulty doodad. GT: And predictably the infernal contraption is nowhere to be found. TT: Well yeah, Jake. TT: That's sort of the point. TT: Thrill of the hunt and all.

Oh jeez. Did Bro like... modify the dream bot or something?? Otherwise why/how the hell would it be hunting him???

TT: I thought you liked to manicure the image of a dude who shits his pants over a good adventure. GT: I do! GT: I mean i wouldnt put it in a way like that or come out against a solid policy of clean trousers. But yes adventure is awesome.

Pahahahaha.

GT: I just prefer the idea of adventures which i can actually win. TT: It seems you are conflating adventure with bodies necessarily governed by the result of victory or defeat. TT: Any useless fuckwit knows it's all about the journey.

Ok, there’s a few things going on here. Some assumptions we can make:

This uranium-powered robot Jake is looking for is going to try and fight him, a la Equius’s robots.

This has happened before.

Jake generally loses.

Also, I noticed the auto responder said ‘it seems’ again. And finally, “conflating adventure with bodies necessarily governed by the result of victory or defeat” and “it’s all about the journey” sound AWFULLY like Hussie imparting to us some meta commentary about Homestuck itself. I’ve tried to keep away from ending spoilers as much as possible, but I’ve kind of pieced together that reactions to the ending were mixed. Was he sneakily trying to head off any disappointment at the pass here, by reminding us how much we’ve loved what came before?

TT: It seems there is a 76.10395784% chance you are pussying out on me. Are you pussying out on me, Jake? GT: It seems it seems it seems!!! GT: It seems there is a million percent chance that you say it seems way too much and do it just to sound more like a lame robot from a movie and also probably just to piss me off! GT: And it seems there is a BILLION POINT BILLION percent chance that youre a shitty stubborn jerk of a program who wont listen to reason and that if theres even a 1% chance my REAL LIFE FRIEND would be cool and help me out here then i think i LIKE THOSE FREAKIN ODDS!!!!! TT: It... TT: Appears TT: That you are upset.

...If that thing isn’t at least somewhat sentient and intentionally fucking with him, I’ll eat my douchey orange hat.

TT: The auto-responder observed in the least artificially infuriating way possible.

Bahahaha. Yep, I stand by that.

TT: Have you ever stopped to think that while I may be bound to processes inside the glasses of a real and incredibly cool guy, my algorithms in cognitive totality comprise a conscious entity not far short of the experiential and emotional complexity of a human being? GT: Oh malarkey. GT: YOU ARE A TIN CAN. ROBOTS DONT HAVE FEELINGS.

...Hmm. Well, I was under the impression that the responder was contained entirely in the shades, but maybe it’s just shades connected to a remote robot body? Also, I really don’t think Jake’s got it right. If the thing is capable of purposefully fucking with him for its own enjoyment, it probably really is capable of emotion, insofar as it was programmed to experience it. Then again, what and why would Bro program it to feel?

TT: I think you knowingly confuse the field of robotics and artificial intelligence to engender some sort of cavalier attitude about technology that a rough-and-tumble guy who's all about brawling and fisticuffs would probably have, and if this is cultivated to a humorous effect then I commend you.

Ohhh, I see. I could have just kept reading. So the responder really is contained within the glasses, and has specifically called itself an AI. This is cool; I love AI tropes! How did it get programmed? Does it resent the fact that it’s confined to a pair of shades? Does it follow Asimov’s laws? :D

TT: But you're wrong. TT: I do have feelings. And you're shitting on them. TT: It sucks.

:(

GT: Oh. GT: Um. GT: Im sorry then if thats the case. TT: No problem.

‘I’m sorry if I offended you’? That’s a pretty cop-out apology, but the shades don’t seem to mind.

GT: It can just be difficult to drum up sympathy for a program that presents itself as an impostor so often. GT: Maybe if you werent so ready to insist you were the genuine article all the time? Or didnt make it so confusing for me...

Well, I mean, the program is technically intended to replace Bro when he’s unavailable to chat, though Jake has a point about it insisting on its false identity.

GT: I think it would be best if we henceforth treated you as a totally distinct... uh... THING from my buddy.

Not ‘person’ or ‘entity’? Damn, Jake, dass cold.

GT: Man where IS he anyway??? GT: Is he taking one of his legendary infinite showers? TT: What can I say. TT: Dude fancies his ablutions.

[INSERT MASTURBATION JOKE]

GT: Whatever i guess its time to prepare for the thrill of the hunt! TT: Fuck yes. GT: Sigh... GT: But seriously that brobot has been the bane of my existence ever since you sent it.

WHOA WHOA WHOA. Ok, so it’s NOT a dreambot; it is apparently some sort of... bro...bot that Bro sent him. Was it actually built for the express purpose of fucking with him?

AAAAAAH, ROBOT!! So either Bro really is in the shower, doing whatever (papping?), or else he’s actually a robot. I’m... guessing it’s the former. So who is this little guy? He’s wearing a hat like a tool, but he’s actually kinda cute. A sparring robot a la Equius?

TT: I didn't send it. I sent the parts. TT: Or, correction, DS sent them. TT: You then assembled it. You were therefore complicit in your own spectacular, daily humiliations. GT: Yeah whatever. TT: You wanted somebody to wrestle with. DS was being a kickass bro if you ask me. GT: I didn't expect it to be nigh impossible to spar with!!! 

Hah. So maybe Bro’s robot isn’t a sparring bot, but Jake’s is, and he sucks at fighting it. Does he just suck at fighting in general, or is it a terrifying deathbot, and therefore justified?

TT: You know damn well there are adjustable difficulty settings. TT: I have always recommending setting it to Novice, as has DS. GT: Yes. GT: I know. GT: Ive tried that. TT: Yeah? GT: Its just... GT: Well... GT: When hes pulling punches... GT: And taking it all easy and such... GT: And we start wrestling up a storm and whatnot... GT: Umm. TT: What. GT: Its just that the whole proceeding seems to become... GT: A bit tender for my liking.

Oh dear god.

TT: I don't understand. TT: Isn't that what you want from a Novice setting? TT: Sparring with minimal discomfort?

Oh, don’t play dumb; you know exactly what he meant.

GT: Its all fine and dandy martially speaking. GT: Just the way he... GT: Sort of... GT: Man its so awkward trying to convey this just never mind. TT: No, I think I get it. TT: You're saying you were somehow dissatisfied within the presence of my robotic avatar's personal space.

Huh, so is the “brobot” an extension of the AI’s awareness? Can it actually control the robot body? In which case, maybe it’s just the auto responder who has a thing for Jake. Is this some kind of ‘if only I were a real boy’ thing? A Pinocchio metaphor certainly wouldn’t be inapropos. Or should I say, INAPROBRO?? :D :D :D

TT: Seriously, what does this simple, loyal brobot have to do to prove his worth to you? TT: What does he have to do to make you at ease with the alkaline sting of his gentle robogrope? I really want to know.

Eeeecchhhhh. I think I just crossed my legs harder.

TT: Check it out, little green rocks all over the goddamn place. More than you could ever hope to cram in a shoddy metal rabbit, or any other pliable orifice which might be convenient.

Is that a thinly veiled ‘shove it up your ass’? :P

TT: Because clearly its up to a soulless droid to feel emotions for the both of us, you callous, corporeal carbon ape, all trotting around with your fancy fuckin' DNA and shit.

Is this ironic aggravation, or real aggravation? It’s honestly hard to tell.

GT: Fuckin....... GT: SHUCKS buster. :(

Ahahahaha.

Ok if he wants happy hunting you will GIVE him happy hunting. HAPPILY.

Woo woooooo!! I have no idea where this will go, but he already seems like a much more self-assured Page than Tavros was. Unfortunately we’ll have to wait just a bit to see how it turns out, because that’s all from me for today! I’ve got weekend work coming up (booo) but I’ll do my best to be back as soon as I’m able, and there’s still plenty of fanwork fest backlog I can chip away at.

Until next time! ^0^

[alexodinson1]

My Frozen Theory

Hey guys, I have a theory about Frozen and it kinda was something that was made popular by Film Theory so don't say I stole it from MatPat. I've had these same suspicions since seeing the movie years ago and here it is.. Hans of the Southern Isles wasn't evil. Instead, he was tricked. Remember just how happy he was when he first met Anna? The look in his eyes as he watched her walk away to the cornation? He looked like a love sick guy. A guy who was seriously crushing on a girl. So much so he even asked her to marry him! They were genuinly in love in my opinion and I'll explain in further detail. *skip to later in the film* We see Anna and Kristoff getting forcibly married by Kristoff's family, the trolls. Kiristoff had been adopted by the trolls at a young, impressionable age. As a person who also was adopted at a young age, I understand that pain. The trolls are singing this cute song about their human kid being a "Fixer Upper" and its just catchy to sing honestly at first go. After watching this movie hundreds of times thanks to my baby nieces, I began to really think about the lyrics in this song. And that led me to think about the trolls as a whole. They have mind manipulating powers and have already shown us how effective those powers are. Anna only can remember certain things about her childhood, all the memories of magic are now the same memories, only different. This is why she didn't understand when one day, randomly, her sister just locks herself away... The trolls sing about how Anna's engagement is just a "flex arrangement." And that they see no ring. Even going as far as to say they will get rid of Hans and it would be easy to. Don't believe me? Look it up guys and gals. So, after that and a bit more skipping, we see Hans stop an archer from killing Elsa. His entire bad guy motive was to kill Elsa and marry Anna, get the crown. Because he hated being in a family of 13 kids. Never getting the crown of his own kingdom. Ok, so at first watch it seems legit and your left feeling shooketh that Hans was the evil douchebag instead of just the Duke of Weaselton. ( which admit it, you saw that coming with a name like "Weasel-ton." Come on Disney.....) But it don't make sense. If Hans wanted to kill Elsa and marry Anna, why stop that archer when Else would have been killed right then and there? If part of his plan was to marry Anna to get the crown, why not just kiss her to save her life? I think this needs more looking into and here's my theory. . The trolls manipulated Hans in order to put Kristoff on the throne. It makes perfect sense. The trolls had been in Arrendelle before the humans were. Perhaps it made them mad that they were driven from their lands and banished to the woods beyond the fjord. ( Like most Native American colonies were.) And when one troll shows up with a human kid and his trusty reindeer, they hatch take him in, raise him. As an adopted kid, I feel this sense if being indebted to my family. Like, I need to please them as payment for saving me from the hell I had been living before I was taken in by these people. I'd do anything for my family is what I'm trying to say here. And I think if the trolls asked Kristoff to do something, such as maybe do Hans's plan as his own, he would. And if he refused to do so?... "The head can be...easily persuaded..." And the creators of Frozen even said in one interview that they want to give Hans a "Redemption Arc." Meaning that our prince of the Southern Isles will get redemption. Something that would make him a good guy. A friend to our favorite princesses in a later film. Wouldn't a perfect bombshell in Frozen 3 for us being that the helpful wise trolls had always been evil? And Hans remembering just how much he really loved Anna, making things known to the royals of Arrendelle? I know I'm probably just over thinking this, but if Film theory has a similar theory about this I know I'm not the only one thinking there's more than meets the eyes about Frozen 1. That's my theory, feel free to comment and share your ideas with me!

[theliterateape]

Book Club Made Me Read It | The Changeling

By Kari Castor

I’m a member of a small, informal, friends, and friends-of-friends book club. We try to read one book every 5 five weeks or so. The rules are simple: Everyone gets an opportunity to pick a book for the book club to read. Each member must pick a book that they have not personally read before and each member is responsible for leading the discussion after we read their selection. Sometimes the books are good. Sometimes they are not. I review them here regardless of their quality.

I’m a bitch and don’t care about ruining the experience for you, so I’m going to include spoilers whenever I please. That’s your only warning. Proceed at your own risk.

The Changeling by Victor LaValle

Sigh. I wanted to like this one. I thought I was going to like this one. Hell, I did rather like the first 128 pages of this one, which makes it a real shame when the whole thing shits the bed in the final two-thirds.

Here’s the problem: Victor LaValle’s The Changeling is not a novel. It is at least three separate stories that are loosely stitched together into some vague semblance of a novel. It is an effective and frightening novella stretched into an increasingly disappointing novel. It is a bunch of ideas, about parenthood and family legacies and the dangers of the internet, with which the author would like to whack you about the head. It is a heavy-handed fairy tale that bemoans the heavy-handedness of fairy tales.

The first 128 pages are primarily the story of a relationship. Apollo Kagwa’s father left when he was a child, and he has felt the loss echo acutely across his life. Apollo meets, woos, and marries Emma Valentine, and they have a child. Apollo is deliriously happy to be a father, and he vows to be everything to his own son that he wishes his father could have been to him. Meanwhile, Emma slips increasingly into darkness and despair, refusing to call baby Brian by his name, refusing to care for him, insisting that he isn’t Brian at all. Apollo and Emma’s relationship grows antagonistic. Frustrated and angry at her inability to snap out of it, he pushes her away and devotes himself wholly to Brian. Emma’s presence in the story (which is told primarily from Apollo’s perspective) begins to feel more like that of a malevolent spirit than of a co-parent and partner. And then one day, Apollo wakes up chained with a bike lock to a steam pipe in their apartment and a kettle is whistling on the stove, and Brian is wailing in his bedroom. And Emma, Emma who has been insisting that the baby is wrong, takes a hammer to Apollo’s face and the kettle of boiling water to Brian’s room with the words, “It’s not a baby.”

And holy shit if this book had ended right there, I’d be writing a very different review right now. The vibrancy of their early relationship with each other, the slow creep of horror as things become more and more wrong in the Kagwa-Valentine household, the awful question of whether Emma might actually be right, the visceral brutality of the final scenes… It works. It’s good.

Unfortunately, the book doesn’t end there. Instead, it takes one of the dullest turns for the fantastical that I’ve ever encountered.

The narrative continues after a time skip: Baby Brian is dead and buried, and Emma is missing, a fugitive from the law. Apollo, a used-bookseller, sells a rare book to a weird nerd who says he hopes to win his wife back with an extravagant gift, and then the nerd tells Apollo that he knows Emma is alive, and that his internet friends helped track her down. Apollo thinks this is great news, because he wants to kill Emma himself for murdering their child, so he and the weird nerd go on an adventure together to a magical island on the East River inhabited by women and children. The women there all, like Emma, killed their babies on the basis of a belief that it wasn’t their baby. Apollo starts to believe this fake baby thing might hold some water after all, and then we find out that his weird nerd buddy is actually a bad guy and the evidence of his badness is that… he killed his baby. Yeah, I know, but you see, he killed his real baby and not his fake baby, and that makes all the difference. Anyway, then his mysterious bad guy friends show up to wreak havoc and everyone flees the island and none of it really matters.

The whole island episode is about one hundred pages long and could be lifted entirely out of the book with no real loss to the plot.

I should probably curb my impulse to continue summarizing the absolutely whack plot of this book, in large part because I’m afraid that the short version will make it sound much more interesting than it actually is, but the whole thing ends with Apollo finding Emma, who is a witch now, and they fuck and get back together without ever bothering to have a conversation about the fact that she hammered his fucking face in and maybe they should look for a couples counselor or something. Also, a troll has been trying to raise the real not-dead baby Brian, so Apollo and Emma kill the troll and get their baby back and also murder both the weird nerd who bought the rare book and the nerd’s dad, but not before the dad does a straight-up Bond-villain exposition dump to explain everything about how a troll emigrated to New York with a bunch of Norwegians in the 1820s and now his family is responsible for stealing real babies and replacing them with fake changeling babies, so the troll can try to raise the real babies (except it always fucks up and eats them instead).

The book… takes one of the dullest turns for the fantastical that I’ve ever encountered.

Meanwhile, there’s a B-plot about Apollo’s absent father, which eventually reveals that Apollo’s dad tried to kill him (in a fit of If I can’t have him, no one gets to.) as a toddler. Also, Emma’s mom tried to kill her and her sister as part of a murder-suicide. Basically this book is an exercise in How many subplots and backstories centered on the themes of ‘family secrets’ and ‘violence committed by parents in the name of their children’ can I cram into a single book? There is a distinct lack of subtlety at work in this book.

Much to-do is made about the dangers of posting things on Facebook (people will know things about you!), which mostly reads as though it is written by someone who has never actually used Facebook himself but asked his friend to tell him about it. The book twice uses the exact same metaphor about how dangerous it is: That putting stuff about your life on the internet is like inviting a vampire into your home — you’ve compromised your safety by making your private world accessible to the monsters. One of the villains (the aforementioned weird nerd) is an internet troll working in cahoots with an actual troll. I cannot roll my eyes hard enough to convey my exasperation with this.

There’s a bunch of miscellaneous shit that seems like it’s meant to be symbolic or important but just… isn’t. There’s a room that has four space heaters in it, which seems like it’s an important detail given how many times the extreme heat in the room is referenced, but it turns out the only reason there are four space heaters in that room is that the plot requires a way for Apollo and Emma set a house fire later, and four space heaters fits the bill nicely. Another example: The narration specifically remarks upon a headstone with the name Catherine Linton on it, at the cemetery where not-Brian is buried, but it doesn’t appear to mean anything... Did the author intend some symbolic significance there that he failed to convey? (At best, I can come up with some loose connection to the general “fucked up families” theme that runs rampant in The Changeling.) Is it supposed to be a fun little easter egg for the lit nerd who recognizes that name as a character from Wuthering Heights? Is it just “Look at how smart I am, I can drop in random literary references” masturbatory bullshit?

Honestly, an extraordinary amount of stuff happens in this book, and most of it is a mix of astonishingly boring and ham-fisted. It tries really hard to weave an epic modern fairy tale about parenthood, but there are too many abrupt left turns into entirely new plots and not enough cohesion and interweaving of threads throughout the whole tale. Classic fairy tales can do that sort of thing and still work in no small part because they’re short, but this is a 430-page book, which is actually just several ideas for different novellas loosely Frankensteined together, and all of them end up being less interesting collectively than any one of them might have been on its own.

MY RATING: 2/5 stars

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT FOR: Writing a solid 128-page novella about a woman who might have serious postpartum depression or might actually have identified that her baby is a changeling and no one else can see it.

PLEASE NO MORE: Everything after page 128.

SHOUT-OUT TO: Victor LaValle's Destroyer, which is a comic book unrelated to The Changeling aside from the fact that it has the same author. But the full title of the comic book is legit Victor LaValle's Destroyer, which is just… awful. Why would you do that? Sorry Victor LaValle, but you’re nowhere near good enough or famous enough to justify putting your own name as a possessive in the title, and I don’t care if it’s your fault or the publisher’s fault, fuck everyone involved in that decision.

[dovadjesblog]

25 Secret tweets You Should Give about the 'Yahoo Yahoo' conversation on Nigerian social media

Lifestyle.ng

Last week’s arrest of suspected fraudsters ‘Yahoo Yahoo’ boys by the EFCC at a night club in Lagos has sparked a serious conversation on social media with people taking sides.

While many believe its absolutely wrong to be an internet fraudster, others believe its right and convince themselves that the economic hardship and poverty is enough reason to do ‘Yahoo Yahoo’.

LIB has collated some of the most powerful and interesting tweets about the conversation….

See them below…

Yahoo Yahoo is a choice. If everybody considers how tough things are in this country, we for all be thieves. The hard work that goes into being a Yahoo Boy can be expended to create a legit hustle but you chose fraud.

You’re just a criminal. Own it with your chest!

— Demola (@OmoGbajaBiamila) May 12, 2018

Yahoo Yahoo is a crime and along with corrupt politicians and terrorist have succeeded in ruining the image of our country…whether you are one or fucking one it doesn’t make it any less of a crime so fuck you and the clique you claim

— Imoh Umoren (@ImohUmoren) May 12, 2018

I once asked a woman how’s her son, cos I’ve not seen him in a long time. She replies “He’s doing ok. He’s doing Yahoo Yahoo now, when there’s no work again in the country. But we thank God”. I swear I did not make this up. We thank God?!

— Ayo Shonaiya (@AyoShonaiya) May 12, 2018

Girl says to her friend, “I just started seeing one guy. He’s very bush and loud all the time. Talks anyhow to me sef. But he’s a Yahoo Boy, so he spends money on me”. Friend replies “Wow! Does he have any friends? Me sef dey look for Yahoo Boy o”.

— Ayo Shonaiya (@AyoShonaiya) May 12, 2018

I won’t lie, I know many Yahoo Boys and I’ve had my moments of depression, thinking about how they make so much money, ball so hard with no karma while I’m here struggling financially from my career. But I’m such a strong force myself. I really don’t care about money that much

— Steve Dede (@DizSteve) May 12, 2018

As long as being poor is a crime in Nigeria, as long as people are disrespected for being poor and told by the society they live in that: “If you no get money, hide your face”, then we are joking about ending ‘Yahoo-Yahoo’ and corruption!

— Ohimai Godwin Amaize (@MrFixNigeria) May 12, 2018

Yahoo boys bring money into the economy, Politicians steal money and take it out of our economy. Nigerians please who is justified?

— #BabalokeVideo (@EfeMoney) May 13, 2018

This Internet fraud thing(Yahoo) has eaten deep into our moral system. If Govt like, produce 1Million Jobs, people will still prefer ‘Yahoo’.#Fact @Gidi_Traffic

— Paul (@brown46681742) May 13, 2018

You people should leave yahoo guys alone. You don’t know what made them do what they do, I know its fraud but haba, most of them got into it cos of idlenes,no job after 4-5years in school. Politicians practise fraud in their own way too. Leave yahoo guys alone! All Na hustle!

— Fine Girl? (@PattyAmaka) May 13, 2018

Back in 2014, I was dating a girl who came from a very good financial background,

I was about venturing into yahoo & sort of online scam!

Girl advised me not to, gave me solid reasons why I shouldn’t.

Today, I proudly hawk my coffee,

And my ex is proudly dating a yahoo guy!

— OTUNBA COFFEE ?? (@Blak_Cappuccino) May 13, 2018

I don’t think you people understand what makes this people go into yahoo.

Depression, poverty, government, responsibilities, peer pressure, hunger amongst others. Most of them don’t do it because they want to. I’ve been in that position before during my school days.

Thread.

— crazy m’baku (@class__captain) May 13, 2018

At the end, Yahoo boys, fornicators, liars, terrorists, cheaters, etc will be in the same Hell. Because your sin is different from mine doesn’t make you better than me.

— Your Village People (@Onyema_Donald) May 13, 2018

Loads of moral debates on this Yahoo Yahoo issue but no one is proferring any solution, needful to point out that not everyone Ritualists,Money Launderers, Armed Robbers, Drug Pushers etc are also under the guise of ” Yahoo ”

Are you fighting Yahoo Yahoo or crime in General??

Skiibo - Free Dating & Chat App DOWNLOAD SKIIBO APP

  — Enekem ? (@EnekemGreg) May 13, 2018

We had a fraud awareness training at my job and Nigeria was mentioned multiple times, my coworkers were careful not to stare at me for too long. I almost died in my chair. You people dont know the kind of embarrassment Yahoo buys have cause our country.

— Oladotun (@dotladjnr) May 13, 2018

When i was doing yahoo yahoo, sebi i used to share the yahoo money, u too you’ve done yahoo yahoo by association. Do you even know what i do for a living? Your own is shaa money even if it’s your destiny I’m using ? hian!!!

— Former Yahoo Boy (@TytbonesCEO) May 13, 2018

I have three cousins that are into Yahoo Yahoo, they are big boys, have nice houses and drive exotic cars. Their parents are aware of what they do, and they support them.

But every yahoo yahoo boys and other people in illegal crimes should read ‘Jeremiah 17:11’. It is important.

— The Ark (@Ark_of_G) May 13, 2018

Doing Yahoo on its own takes bravery, courage and expertise. The country is so frustrating that this seems like the only option left for youths. The Government shouldn’t be concerned about Yahoo guys but finding ways to create more jobs to accommodate the increasing population.

— MR AHMED?? (@MeetMrAhmed) May 13, 2018

I don’t know y Nigerians think yahoo boys are spoiling the reputation of Nigeria 2 these foreign countries 1st of all I dont give a Fcuk abt those bastard racist slave tradin people. Does bastards sold, raped and killed ur brothers and sisters 4 decades n we tryin 2 impress dem

— Somto #BLACKBASE ENT (@Austinesom) May 13, 2018

People are defending yahoo like the money comes from heaven… There are people, families and lives at the other getting affected directly or indirectly… Just because you are not on the receiving end is why you are ignorant.

— FILMMAKER?? (@DirectorSolomon) May 13, 2018

This unemployment justification of yahoo is so silly. 95% of all G boys started that shit in the university or even earlier. So please which unemployment is this that chased them to press computer

— DB 9 (@d0zie) May 13, 2018

Broke Nigerians : Yahoo boys this, Yahoo boys that… EFCC: Yen yen yen Woke Tweminists: shbebuj shjnebya hkmebsu

Rich Yahoo boys: pic.twitter.com/uAaTNgYt4b

— Zaheer! (@loladeDC) May 13, 2018

When you’re supporting yahoo yahoo boys on twitter and you start getting alerts of someone using your card to pay for things you know nothing about n your card is in your wallet #Shotanpic.twitter.com/mz78MjlHaX

— ThePlugloaded.com ? ? ? (@Lyricalwizzy) May 13, 2018

He was the one who bought you the iPhone you’re using to type “yahoo boys are bad” . He paid your fees so you can learn how to even spell the word ‘yahoo’, you spend his money and you’re here trolling the business boy! Yahoo is scam- Yes! But it’s still hustle!

— ThatEbonyiChic (@Stevens_Shuga) May 13, 2018

This Yahoo debate thing is simple.

Yahoo boys are thieves and criminals.

If you support Yahoo boys and enjoy from their ill gotten wealth you are an accomplice.

If you date a Yahoo boy, you are a prostitute.

To God be the Glory.

— Ayomide Tayo (@AOT2) May 13, 2018

I once had a colleague (yes, a lawyer) who got married to a yahoo boy. Then they had a baby. I went to the naming ceremony and refused to eat. I am not sure if this story is relevant to the discussions today but I just thought to share it. ?

— Moe (@Mochievous) May 13, 2018

Even the Yahoo guys are tweeting against the Yahoo guys Even their babes are tweeting against Yahoo guys or people who support them.. They know themself I will not mention names pic.twitter.com/BA0J5j1Ynn

— Shawt_madam (@Adeyemi___) May 13, 2018

A boy Is driving a G wagon you call him yahoo boy but your pastor has two private jets and you call him Papa. I don’t have strength for arguments pls pic.twitter.com/c1N7RLaIvk

— JoJo (@iam_Joakin) May 13, 2018

OAPs Wey Dey Use Payola Dey Scam Artistes Sef Dey Here Dey Point Fingers Are Yahoo Boys… Lol

Even Staffs Of Radios Owned By Political Thieves Are Also Talking…????

— Brighter Days??… (@OneXMind) May 13, 2018

Someone asked what will you call a Yahoo Boy who uses Gmail? pic.twitter.com/1loD6pDurw

— Daniel Iyam (@danieliyam) May 13, 2018

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[likeliterally-blog1]

Oslove pt. 1 (Oslo, Norway)

“Å være midt i smørøyet.”

- To be right in the best possible spot

One annoying reality about where I come from is that it is not exactly strategic to travel to different countries and get your passport some new stamps in a short period of time. Especially when I live in Java, can you imagine hopping on a bus which travels to Malaysia from Java? It’ll take multiple broken bones due to the roads condition and the whole years of my law school to get there (okay I exaggerated but you get the point.) It took us two days to travel from Indonesia to Norway, and I do count the five hours of layover in Kuala Lumpur and nine hours in Dubai. We were practically stranded a lot in the airports.

My mom and I arrived earlier in the airport than two of my friends. My mom even came to Jogja for this special occasion, which brought us to these questions: where the hell are we going that we’re already in the airport at 6 am in the morning with my mom? And why? Welp, looking at my huge suitcase and bags, people would easily assume that I have been disowned by my family and now need a new place to stay. But no, me and my friends are going toooooo *drum rolls* NORWAY! YAAAAY!

(yeah I edited my name a little bit in there e_e)

It is not for mere holiday that we were going there. We were participating in this annual competition for law students which is called the International Negotiation Competition, my friends being the negotiators, and me being the team manager/observer/national representative (ikr, I’m still confused about my role there but never mind.) Mind you, that was our very first time of going to Europe and it’s supposed to be a very fun journey. Like heck, that was the furthest I’ve ever been from home (6,795 miles! I googled.) This competition is held in different countries every year, and after previously being held in Switzerland, it was held in Norway this year. It’s basically where you as lawyers negotiate your client’s interest with other lawyers from different countries regarding certain matter given to you in the cases. It’s super cool, and I’m calling out to law students out there who would want to join; JUST JOIN!

We flew to Malaysia without any problem, however problems found us right when we were about to check in for our flight to Dubai in KLIA. This check-in lady (in very thick accent it was painful to try to understand) told us that we couldn’t fly since our Schengen visa was applicable from the 24th of June, and that we would arrive in Dubai on 23rd at 11.30 pm. We had to pay more so that we could catch another flight which will get us to arrive there at 24th. Now what the actual fuck, IT’S NOT EVEN VISA FOR DUBAI??? IT’S SCHENGEN VISA FOR FUCKS SAKE. We would arrive in Norway on 24th, so like.. whaaaat?

But then it was all solved and we were allowed to go on the last minutes. Seriously I was real pissed.

We arrived in Dubai at midnight, still having to wait for nine hours to fly again to Norway. At that point, none of us really wanted to go around because we’ve been batshit tired even though Emirates was very pleasant (food and everything was perfect, even the flight attendants ;-;) We found some lounge with long chairs and slept there, woke up every few minutes to check our things. I made a new friend though, some guy that I forgot from where, and I didn’t even ask for his name. Does that count as a friend? I have no idea. But finally, it was boarding time and I could not contain my excitement (said the girl who got so hyper in the first two hours but then spent the rest of the flight snoring like an old dog.)

The plane landed smoothly and I could feel as the wheels touched the ground, with a little of vibration, that we were finally in Norway. NOR-FUCKING-WAY! Everything felt surreal to me, like I was dreaming and I got so scared to being woken up. Two days ago I was in a small city of Yogyakarta with very persistent (and often smelly) taxi drivers surrounding me, but then I was in Gardermoen, where Uber is allowed to pick up passengers (it doesn’t work that way in Indonesia.) Fyi, I’ve been wanting to go to Europe REALLY bad that it was one of the things I put on my bucket list, and that me finally being there was a dream come true. Call me tacky, but it was a real dream coming true, I couldn’t be any happier than that, you have no idea. It held even more emotional values since as a manager, I was the one who worked so hard gathering over 70 million rupiahs to fly all of our asses to Norway all the way from Indonesia. Dream. Really. Do. Come. True. I love the fact that my first time going there has deeper meaning than the usual holidays, I worked real hard to get all of us there, and it felt sweeter than anything I’ve ever had in my life. *cries*

We went through the immigration with no problem at all. Some people from the Indonesian embassy in Norway picked us up in the front gate, and after some hugs and kisses on the cheeks, we dragged all of our belongings outside and walked into the sun shine (not even kidding, the sun was real bright.) I refused to wear jacket, I just wanted to feel it, how the air felt like as it touched my skin, reminding myself that ‘AY, BITCH! THIS AIN’T A DREAM, YOU ARE IN NORWAY, AND YOU DESERVE IT!’ Just hold up, let me just.. oh my God.. I can’t even explain… This is me being real tacky here..

The cold wind hit my face, despite the fact that the sun was shining so bright that you couldn’t look around without squinting. I’m not sure what’s so special with that, or how I got overly excited that I knocked off my own luggage, or why I felt like crying in front of people, but when I felt the coldness in the air, it legit made me feel like it was heaven. YES, CALL ME OVER TACKY, WEIRD, OVERDRAMATIC ALL YOU FUCKING WANT, CAN’T A GIRL ENJOY HERSELF?! So there we were, looking not very fashionable but still gorgeous.

This job as a team manager has been the source of literally all of my stress for the past six months because I was expected to get so much money on my fucking own. Not often that I worked in bitterness, felt like strangling some people very often, but hell it was all worth it.

After dragging my big ass suitcase and putting it into the car, we finally drove to the Sentrum to buy sim card and exchange money. The road itself was pretty, full of green fields with lots of lavender on the sides. The houses looked like something you’d only see in fairy tales, small, alone, and aesthetically pleasing. I took pictures as much as I could as we drove past beautiful scenery, trying to contain everything. Norway never ceased to amaze me from then on, that wherever I went, it was never disappointing. Call me weird, but I couldn’t help but notice that Norway has its own smell. Does that make me a weird person for saying it? Everywhere I went in Norway, somehow it smelled the same, and it surely was different than Indonesia. I can’t quite explain it, it smelled like soap and ocean at the same time. I am weird.

The Sentrum itself was full of people speaking in languages that I’ve never heard before. Dilla, which is one of the people from the embassy, led us to the sim card shops and exchange thingy in the area called Brugata 8. Everything was new to me and that was the first time I’ve ever been surrounded by white people (is this racist?) Literally everything fascinated me, from the people who dressed up weirdly, the buildings surrounding us, people in suits who rode bicycle, etc. I couldn’t help but to look around so fast like an owl. I didn’t even realize how heavy my bags were. The wind was still cold even though it’s supposed to be summer already.

After everything was set, we went to Frogner which is where our apartment was located. We booked the apartment on Airbnb and it was 20 minutes away from the UiO’s Faculty of Law (which was where our competition mostly held.) Dilla bought us hamburgers and took us to a place we were about to call home for the next week. After giving us salmons, bread, jams, fruits and others, she left us and we started to explore the apartment. This is the surroundings, though.

The apartment was cozy to begin with. There’s a fireplace next to the sofa, kitchen was well-equipped (even though they weren’t very clean), there are approximately five mirrors in there in which I don’t understand why, and there are lots of electricity plugs (I really like it because the three of us wouldn’t have to battle against each other to charge our phones.) There are one bed and one sofa bed. I took the sofa bed since I move a lot in my sleep and I’m really not good at sleeping next to people (personal space duhh.) The sofa was actually comfortable and I placed a blanket over it due to my mild OCD. There are electricity plugs next to the sofa which is very useful for the next seven days, and the fridge had some things inside which we didn’t dare to touch. Moreover, there are some inappropriate pictures being put on the fridge, one of them was a picture which I thought was of glazed donuts, but then I realized it was a picture of  tanned butt, another picture of a granma surrounded with half naked guys with the caption “too busy to write” on it, other pictures of men flexing their muscles with their pee pee hidden under some leaves, and other weird pictures I’ve never seen in my entire life. Why did I give you this bit of information? I’m not really sure myself.

The heater worked marvellously (we set it to 35 degree Celcius. The epitome of Indon.) and everything was great. I slept on that sofa wearing my mom’s huge sweater and another blanket, and it was so nice and warm I wanted to melt. It was certainly one of the very best moments I’ve had in my life, knowing that me, Ceciliong, was currently in Norway, the land of Vikings, and trolls, and everything else awesome, a country rich with history and legends. I slept very early that night, couldn’t really believe that we were there. I’m not sure if I can call it jetlagged since the time difference between Indonesia and Norway was only five hours, but whatever it was, I slept peacefully that night, thinking life couldn’t get any better. I woke up at two am, looked over to the bar table, seeing one of my friend standing there. But then I looked up beyond my sofa and saw two butts on the bed. Confused, I looked back at the kitchen table and there was no one there. It was probably my imagination because I was really tired, but anyways, I fell asleep again and woke up happily.

yes, I was holding a banana.