#is this the most adhd thing i'll post today actually yes probably

[not-poignant]

Your dialogue is incredible, do you have any advice on how to write like that? Like the actual process you use to arrive at what's on the page. Do you write a ton of dialogue and then cut it down to the gems? Or does it just come out like that when you write? The characterisation in the dialogue is superb, and somehow it never feels overwrought or unnatural. I guess I'm just hoping it's a carefully-honed craft you can give practical tips on, rather than something you can just innately 'do' 😂 xx

Hi anon,

So firstly, I'm so sorry anon because this will probably piss you off: I do find dialogue extremely easy to do, which is why all of my stories are so dialogue heavy. I don't sit there writing a ton of dialogue and then whittling it down, and it just comes out as I write. At most I sometimes just have to double check tone continuity on certain characters (i.e. 'would Augus / Dr Gary / the Raven Prince use this exact phrasing or would they use something else')

When I daydream about my stories, I daydream about the dialogue first. I 'listen' to my characters and the things they say. When I write it down, I don't sit and think 'what would they say' I just write what they'd say. But...I've been doing this for like a long time now, and I do believe there are things that can be done to build the skill.

I feel like throughout my life, I've done things that at least some other people don't do, which makes dialogue easier for me.

But firstly, down to mechanics, here's a link to a post I've made before on things to focus on re: honing dialogue as a skill.

What some folks don't realise is that constructing a vocabulary or tone for a character is like constructing a character. A character's voice says so much about them - how much money they make (or if they're nouveau riche in some cases), where they live, if they were popular or unpopular in school, if they're shy or extroverted or charismatic, if they care about how they come across, if they're a precise or messy thinker, etc. Each character you have, you need to be spending time just thinking about elements of their voice and dialogue if you're not used to doing this already.

The best place to start with this, honestly, is by rewatching some of your favourite shows or rereading some of your favourite books and noting down things about the dialogue that are unique to each character. (Ideally this will be in stories that have very unique dialogue patterns lol). This is actually fantastic for fanfic because you can end up with a cheat sheet (which I've also written about) that will instantly make your character's dialogue sound 'true to form' without having to overthink it.

And the rest I'm putting under a Read More because it's literally just me rambling:

Another place to research is simply by listening to conversations. Listen to the people around you talk, and write down the things that are specific to them. How do they agree or disagree with something? Are there sayings they're using particular or specific to where they live? Do they use a lot of slang? And if so, is it generational? Who are the overspeakers? The underspeakers? the ones who deflect? The ones who shut things down? When you're listening to people talk, think about the words they use, the pitch, if their voice is croaky or smooth, confident or shy, what makes it shy? Is it soft? Do they hesitate? If it's confident, what makes it confident? Is it loud? Do they almost never say 'um' or other words of hesitation?

Think about how these people's voices might differ from place to place. How do they talk to a waiter vs. customer service on the phone vs. a best friend vs. a family member vs. a teacher? Think about the changes you make in those circumstances.

Over time, this knowledge comes to you more instinctively. I've spent my entire life being very interested in the way people talk (I'm neurodivergent, and chameleon-like, and I will adopt other people's patterns of speaking unconsciously in order to 'blend in' - but it gave me a pretty good knack with dialogue! As did 'practising conversations' in my head growing up, lol.)

A really good place to look at character voice sometimes is also in actor interviews. Go and check out like... the Hot Ones interviews or something on YouTube, and you'll see a ton of extremely distinct character voices that are right there to research. How Jack Black talks vs. someone like Tom Hanks vs. someone like Nick Offerman vs. someone like Tom Holland shows huge variation in what makes dialogue unique from person to person.

Your characters don't need to sound like caricatures, ideally they will feel things and embody things strongly enough that this isn't really a problem (even Benoit Blanc sounds like a genuine person despite sounding like a cartoon character because of the emotion / feeling he can get into that voice). Your main goal, imho, is to make sure that all your characters don't end up sounding like carbon copies of yourself. I think this is a problem even people who write natural dialogue can stumble into (that I've been guilty of too), it flows naturally because they're just writing how they'd think/react to something, but it's 6 characters and you realise 'hang on, I'm just reading 6 versions of the author.'

This is where researching the distinctness of character voice is really important, and making a cheat sheet to check when you're going back through a chapter can be invaluable.

There are little things I do fairly naturally these days, to use Underline the Black (or Underline the Rainbow more generally) as an example. Temsen says things like 'Goodness!' instead of 'oh my god.' He can still do the latter, but he's far more likely to be quite sort of formal when he's surprised or shocked by something (and Kent has picked that up, so he does it too, lol, which makes sense - because they work together and people adopt each other's speech patterns when they get along).

Efnisien is very comfortable with swearing, he's got 'juvenile alpha who had to fight with Gwyn all his life' throughout his dialogue. Gary is quite formal and talks in complete sentences almost always. He very rarely hedges or restarts his sentences, and as Efnisien observes: He speaks like someone who's about to go onto a podium and confidently deliver a lecture. He's very self-assured. Efnisien on the other hand hedges a lot, shuts himself down, doesn't finish sentences, and bites back some of his words. Dr Gary doesn't use endearments in general, and can be extremely sarcastic. His humour veers towards deadpan.

Caleb is very forward, bold and confident. He uses endearments like 'baby' and 'sweetheart.' He's flirtatious, and he doesn't talk too much. His voice when he says something tends to fill the space - he has the respect and attention of the people around him. He speaks in complete sentences that are generally quite short (but not short-tempered) and to the point. He comes across as someone who's looking for a good time, but he's not obviously emotionally available when he speaks.

Nate (in Underline the Blue) is people pleasing and generally obsequious (but his inner dialogue indicates there's a snarky voice waiting to get out). He hedges, but ultimately tries to be pleasing. A lot of 'what do you like best? What do you want?' He redirects with questions and tries to avoid talking about his personal life. His voice is quiet in tone, and also quite lacking. He sounds like someone who hasn't had the opportunity to enjoy conversation for its own sake. He shuts conversations down rather than opening them up. He almost never initiates any dialogue at all.

I can do this across all my characters because I have their mental cheat sheets relatively memorised. Whatever book or story you're focusing on, it's a good habit to be able to just mentally know a paragraph or two about your character's voice. Checking in with that mental knowledge (or cheat sheet until you learn it) before starting writing any chapter can help guide you.

The way a character talks determines how the story flows. Nate doesn't start conversations, so he needs to be paired with someone who does. This means if Nate starts a conversation - he's going to be more anxious than usual most times, which creates many opportunities for angsty scenes.

Efnisien is hostile and combative, especially when he's afraid or upset, which creates a lot of opportunities - simply through the way he talks - for increased chemistry with a more calm but still incisive opponent like Gary. Once you start to get a handle on dialogue, how your characters speak alone will create flow through the plot, and also create ways to get through a plot or reach certain points. I know for example that Efnisien's verbal response to the directives softens Gary towards him. Or I know that Gary's softer coaxing voice when he's soothing Efnisien will genuinely soothe Efnisien - even against his will. That's a powerful thing to know about my character's voices!

You're gonna pick this up in no time, anon. You might even have really good dialogue instincts and just be over-thinking it. But I do think in general, sit down with whoever you like to listen to - your fave YouTubers, people on TikTok, your favourite shows etc. and then just...listen to the dialogue. Be wary of subtitles in this case, because they can sometimes erase or hide the actual unique details of a person's voice to make it more 'generic.' Some are better than others.

And then just write down the things that feel unique to those people. Especially notice turns of phrase that you don't use yourself. (Which also means thinking about the kind of cheat sheet you'd write for yourself! Tbh that's probably a good place to start lmao).

Definitely click on the links I've put in this post, the first one in particular breaks down all the details of dialogue more specifically. And doesn't take like 4000 words to not actually make much of a point, like in this post sdlkfjas

If I'd posted it as dialogue we wouldn't have been here for so long but anyway tl;dr I find dialogue stupid easy but that's because I've been observing dialogue and what makes it unique all my life and there's no real short-cut for that but if you start doing it now you'll find writing dialogue way easier really soon.

[despairshandvn]

Will You Fall Into Despair?

A string of murders have been occurring at your new university, its up to you and 16 other students with talents, some of which you are already friends with and some of which you just met to to put a end to the killings.

But will you be able to bear the secrets of the others as you get closer to them?

Will you save them from being the next victim?

Or will you fall into despair?

[This VN is still in its writing stages! Minors DNI this VN is 18+!]

FAQ:

-"Who is everybody? What are the names of the characters? What are they're talents?"

Soon......I'm going to make a separate post introducing them all or just probably introduce characters one or a few at a time seeing as this VN has 16 characters! That's alot of characters so I don't think I'll be able to do it all at once but I promise you will meet all my children very soon! But since I'm feeling nice today heres all the names of the characters and their talents!

-"Is this a Danganronpa fan game?"

No, however I did take alot of inspiration from DR. Whenever I first started making these characters a year ago it was originally going to be a DR fan game but now it has evolved into its own story entirely. Now the only thing I took from Danganronpa is the Ultimate part! But even then I have made some differences from the ultimates in DR and the ones in Despairs Hand.

-"Why are there so many characters?"

hehe funny autism and ADHD make the brain go brrrrrr

-"Does this VN have a yandere? If so, who is it?"

Yes! Whenever I introduce characters I will be announcing who the yandere is, and there might even be multiple 👀 but all of it depends on how you treat certain characters on if they have yandere traits or not...

-"Is shipping allowed?"

Yes! Some of the characters are actually already in a relationship with each other! There are even characters that are siblings! But I will say this for the characters that are siblings, shipping them together is not allowed in anyway. They are strictly a sibling relationship and nothing more.

-"Can we ask the characters questions?"

PLEASE DO! I love writing my children and my friend has even helped me by asking questions and I would write stories/responses in response for practice for this blog! So I am begging, please dont feel shy to ask them questions! I love writing them!

-"How old are the characters? How old is _____?"

While I do have ages for all of them I'm going to go ahead and say that all of them are 18 and above!

-"Who is the killer?"

That's for me to know and you to figure out :)

-"Do we/MC live at the university?"

Yes! There are dorms that everybody stays/lives in and I'm currently working on a floor plan to show what the dorms look like. If people want it I'll also show the floor plan of the school itself!

-"Are any of the characters LGBTQ+?"

Yes! Most of them are bisexual/pansexual! Other than them there are 3 lesbians, a demiboy which is also Grayromantic, a Transmasc, and 4 asexuals!

-"Will there be any forth wall breaks?"

Oh dear :)....I have these many characters for a reason....I guess I can let you guys in on SOME secrets but you won't know who it is :)....One character is fully aware they are in a game, one is extremely suicidal and a few might be lying about their talents...

-"Will we see what the characters look like?"

Im working on picrews so I can atleast show they're designs because drawing them would take a while....I'm also a traditional artist so my hands would be screaming in agony-

-"All the characters are human...right?"

Nope! I'm a absoulte sucker for fox boys so Benjamin got the fox boy treatment

-"Will there be any triggers?"

I will be posting all the triggers there might be soon

-"Are there tags for certain characters?"

Yes, I will be putting them in the tags of this post also!

I will put more later but for now this is all I can think about right now

Thank you for reading....

Good luck :)

[whiterosechrista]

"Inspirational" Posts and Personal Issues

Warning: long post. Proceed at your own risk.

Right, so.

I was scrolling through the 'inspirational' tag, and came across this post.

It made me probably more annoyed than I should be, so I'm gonna try and process why, while also asking for input/general conversation about it.

Disclaimer; I'm tired and haven't eaten much today, so I might just be overly sensitive right now.

In rough chronological order, here's the particular points that ticked me off;

Point #1:

The title; "STOP BEING LAZY AND PATHETIC" (In All Caps)

Right off the bat, something about that just rubbed me the wrong way. I know it's meant to catch your eye and make you pay attention, but something about (in)directly referring to people you don't know as "lazy" and "pathetic" feels.. wrong. Like, excuse me? Who are you, random person online that I've never met in my life, to tell me I'm lazy and pathetic? What right do you have to judge the life of someone you've never seen in person? None.

Point #2:

"No One Cares"

One of the first sections goes on about, in short, how everyone has problems, and no one cares about yours, so just move on with your life. Now, technically, they're not wrong; everyone has problems, and it is definitely not healthy to think yours are inherently worse than everyone else's. But saying "no one cares" feels inherently untrue. Sure, if you whine online (or irl) about every little grievance, it might make people annoyed and/or desensitized to it. But humans are inherently empathic (most of us, at least), and we probably would've died out a long time ago if no one cared about others' problems. Idk, it just feels weird to me.

Point #3:

"You're Not Lazy, You're Privileged"

Now, there's definitely a good point there. People who're struggling to make it by can't afford to be lazy, so if you can, you're probably more on the privileged side. But this gets me thinking about those people who call the younger generations "lazy" because they're not out working 8 hours a day/rely on technology/don't get out much/etc. Firstly; one person's experience of life is never going to be the same as someone else's. By the simple fact of having individuality in everything from personality, to wealth, to generation, to culture, the way you live your life is never going to line up exactly with everyone else's. Secondly; I'm pretty sure a good chunk of the people dubbed "lazy" are actually suffering from some form of depression, and just haven't been able to get help for it for one reason or another. I myself am what I think the stereotypical "boomer" would describe as "lazy"; 24 years old, unemployed, constantly online, rarely leaves the house, doesn't have good eating/sleeping/cleaning habits, and guess what? I was diagnosed as having moderately severe depression. So yes, "lazy" people are likely privileged, as if I were in a worse financial situation I would have likely pushed myself to get a job, which might've forced me into better sleeping/etc. habits, but that doesn't automatically mean I should work myself into a breakdown trying to feel more "productive".

Point #4:

"Focus On Your Health/Relationships" and "Make Routines and Stick to Them"

Again, definitely good points being made here, and I can agree with most of it, but here's the thing; I tried that already. I've tried making routines, I've tried focusing on my health, but no matter what, I always fuck up and get back to my bad habits. Now, that could totally just be me being bad at sticking to things, I'll freely admit to that. But here's another thing to consider; I'm neurodivergent. Been evaluated as being highly likely on the Autism spectrum + I have attention span issues possibly related to ADHD. Putting reminders on my phone doesn't work. Putting events on my calendar doesn't work (unless it's a big important thing/something I'm looking forward to). I've tried to get into better hygiene habits by putting "Take a Shower!" on my calendar twice a week. Didn't work. Tried putting a daily reminder to "Check In With Friends!" on my phone. Didn't work. However I'm wired, those things just don't register as "important"- they just get filed away as "one of many notifications" and ignored. Do it without reminders? I can barely remember what time I had breakfast at. No way I'm making it work without outside influence. In short; good tips, but some people just aren't wired that way.

Point #5:

"Clean Space is Self-Respect"

Verbatim: "Clean space is a clean mind. Not even cleaning after yourself is a sign of huge disrespect to yourself. Stop reading this and clean your room right now !!!!!"

First of all; don't tell me what to do. I'll clean my room when I'm in the right headspace, and having people practically yelling an order at me to do it is just going to make me less inclined to. Secondly; messy rooms are a sign of self-disrespect? I can get that, I guess. Seeing people online cleaning out their "depression nests" definitely makes me happy for them. Here's the thing, though; sometimes, the messiest people are the most active, creatively if not physically. I'm a writer- not great at getting anything finished ('cause possible ADHD), but a writer nonetheless. My head is constantly filled with a bunch of different ideas (when I'm not fried, at least), and I'm so busy trying to keep them straight in my head that the thought of "cleaning up" just doesn't have time to occur. I can maneuver through my room without having to watch the floor 24/7, and that's good enough for me.

(Also; changes are tricky for me to deal with (possibly because of Autism). If I'm comfortable in a space, I don't want to change anything about it. The big move we made last December, right as I'd started recovering from depression, was hell on me. I love the new place, don't get me wrong, but the shift was a mess.)

Point #6:

"There's a Reason"

Verbatim: "Remember the reason . Remind yourself, " Why did I even start ? " " Why did I even want this goal ?" . If you don't want the goal anymore then do something else."

Good advice, just one thing to point out; why do people feel like they always have to have a "goal"? The only time I care about a goal is when I'm playing a game (video game, tabletop, whatever). Like, sure, if you're feeling unhealthy and trying to get better, setting a goal can be helpful. But it can also be stressful. Say you expected to lose 10 pounds in 6 weeks, and instead you only lost 5. You did all the work - went on a diet, started an exercise routine, the whole shebang - and you only made it halfway to your goal. (Please note; I'm not a professional, I don't actually know how many pounds one could lose in 6 weeks). That kind of thing takes a toll. Makes you question yourself. Makes you think; should I just not even try? Now, of course, not everyone's gonna automatically give up at the first minor setback, but you get the idea. Setting a goal is a bit like setting a standard, and we all know what happens when people don't meet those. That's not to say you shouldn't set goals at all, it's just the amount of people ragging on people who don't have goals is a little extreme. You don't need a goal to have a good life. If you're happy, then you've got a good life, or at least a pretty decent one. Constantly setting new goals just wastes energy. Give yourself a break.

Point #7:

"Think About What Story You're Telling Yourself"

Verbatim: "If you are telling yourself that you are a lazy person , you will act like one. Your mom didn't carry you for 9 months just for you to say that you are lazy. Get a hold of yourself. Don't complain about how you don't have your dream life if you are lazy."

...

..*sigh*.

There's so many points I could make here. It's good advice, fundamentally, but the way it's worded.. I've heard the "carried you for 9 months" thing from stories about toxic parents too many times to find it inspirational. "I carried you for 9 months"- yeah, you did the bare minimum required to make a human, good job. On the other hand: "don't complain about not having your dream life if you're lazy"? Fair statement, can't argue too much, but it's not always laziness that keeps people from their "dream life". It could be financial reasons, health reasons, or just a plain old crooked system that, for example; hires people based on race, pays differently based on gender, or locks you out of some opportunities because you have a "handicap" that doesn't actually impact your ability to do the job. Effort is good, can go a long way, but sometimes the world just comes together to block your progress, no matter what you try.

Point #8:

"Realize You Can Change Your Reality Any Time"

Verbatim: "You can change your realities really fast if you start acting like the person you want to become."

Not actually much to criticize here; the "fake it 'til you make it" strategy is proven to work. It's just that the wording of "reality" makes me flash back to my dad's "Energy Healing" bullshit. Just say "change your life". Reality is always the same, you're the only thing you can guarantee to change- you're not omnipotent.

(No offense meant to anyone who practices this stuff, it's just not for me.)

Point #9:

"Heal the Past and Move On"

Verbatim: "Go to therapy and heal from the past. You can change your story around . If you are a victim of trauma or abuse , don't just go around and tell people because they lose respect for you ."

...

This is one of those perspectives that makes me have to take deep breaths to calm down. Yes, therapy is wonderful, and you can majorly improve your life by going to it (assuming you have a good therapist), but it's not as simple as just "going and healing". You have to be in the right mental state to realize you should go to therapy, you need to have the courage to make the step, you need to physically be able to get there (or find one that'll do video calls- speaking from experience, phone sessions are not enough), you might need a support system to help you if it doesn't work out, you need to be able to afford therapy in the first place.. I could go on. Also, "losing respect" for someone for trying to vent out their trauma to you is the worst thing you could do. Sure, you don't want to be hit with their trauma all the time, but just tell them that you're not up for that, or, I don't know, help them find a therapist. If a person is weaponizing their own trauma for sympathy, that's different story, but they still should get help. If you don't want to deal with it: block them. Mute them, restrict talking time, establish whatever boundaries you have to, but don't turn it into a "respect" thing unless they're blatantly not giving you any.

(I realize this is a bit harsh; people simplifying mental health issues is one of my big pet peeves that's hard for me to react calmly to, so I'm sorry if it sounded callous.)

Point #10:

"God Will Help"

Verbatim: "Learn to accept help. Sometimes God send people to help you. Ask help from God and you will receive help in miraculous ways."

Now, I completely agree that learning to ask for/accept help is vital. However; basing the statement around a "God" that not everyone believes in is not the best way to deliver the message. I personally am agnostic; if "God" exists, cool (though I have some questions about some things he did), but I don't particularly mind if he doesn't. Some people are just straight up atheist; don't believe in any kind of god at all. How is asking help from God supposed to benefit them? They don't believe in him. It'd be like asking Santa to buy you a motorcycle.

(I mean no offence to anyone who believes, I'm just saying framing your advice around Him means nothing to nonbelievers, and might in fact push them away instead. If I recall correctly, Jesus once said something along the lines of; "respect atheists, for they help you not because God told them to, but because they believe it's the right thing to do". If I'm wrong, please feel free to correct me.)

Overall:

There's actually plenty of good advice being given, but the way some of the things are phrased just doesn't sit right with me. Once again, if anything I said was offensive, it wasn't meant to be. Please tell me so I can do better. I'm sorry this is such a long post, and thankful to anyone who made it this far. You guys didn't have to, but you did, so thank you. :)

[thisdreamplace]

Hey ... So I'm having this problem that's. Not really a problem. But I just idk. I'm in a very confused phase right now. I kind of had this mild realisation earlier today after reading some of your posts. Like this very small epiphany that yes, I really am god, I really am in charge. But it was more like "ohh, I just need to acknowledge this fact and live in it to fully step into my power and start living the life I want" kinda deal, not an ACTUALLY acknowledging my power, living in it, fully stepping into it kinda deal. I've wanted to go into the void for a while, months actually, and I realised - hey, wtf? This is the law of ASSUMPTION. Just live in your imagination, become totally deluded and convince yourself that you're going to go into the void tonight or that you go into it every time you fall asleep or that it's just ridiculously easy for you to get in. Even if it doesn't happen at first, so what? You're supposed to ignore the 3D and live in the 4D. Just persist in it and, because you're pretty good at manifesting despite your constant spiralling and doubts and questionable self concept, within a few days the 3D will conform and you'll get in. Then you'll set the intention for every single desire you have from your very long list, then you'll shift to one of your fun little DRs and stay there for a few days before coming back to this reality and THEN you'll begin living the life of your dreams and finally enjoying yourself and being happy. It's so simple. Just change your thoughts.

And then I didn't do any of that.

Idk. I don't know why I didn't. It's night right now where I am and in a while I'm going to sleep and I'm going to try to go into the void again and fail because I didn't do any of it and I'm very tired and I don't know what to do and I'm also confused because why am I making this so hard for myself? The void is literally within me. I already have the assumption that it's easy to enter the void and that I'll get in after 5 minutes or less of affirming. I didn't succeed before because I didn't actually try - I got stuck on the part where you're supposed to find a comfortable position to stay still and relax in. I flopped around for hours trying to get comfortable, until eventually I got so tired and frustrated that I said fuck it and went to sleep. This happened a few nights in a row. I have (strongly suspected) ADHD and I fidget a lot, especially at night when I'm laying down and trying to sleep, and it helps me focus and relax. But you're supposed to stay still when affirming for the void so that just sucks. Two nights ago I tried for the void again and for the first time I actually got symptoms - my calves felt like they were floating or expanding and I got really excited, but then I think I just lost focus or something because it stopped and then I lost my momentum. I KNOWW you don't need the void to manifest and trust me, I don't put it on a pedestal or anything (or at least I try not to) and I do believe that it's easy to enter. Just not for me. And I know how to fix it hence the entire first part of this incredibly long and annoying message but for some reason I choose not to. Also it might be worth mentioning I had about two mental breakdowns this week and I've just generally not been feeling the greatest, so that might be having some effect in my manifestations and mindset. In fact the only reason I'm writing this is because I was feeling really bored and depressed and hopeless and I just wanted some advice about ... Literally anything. All I want to do is go to the void, manifest my dream life, and dip. After I get all those things I want, including being cured by what can be considered a disability, I'll finally be happy. That's probably a damaging way to think. But anyway.

What am I doing wrong?

hi. tbh bestie this is kind of going to be tough love bc honestly speaking

you said a lot of things here but what stood out to me the most was this part:

“I KNOWW you don't need the void to manifest and trust me, I don't put it on a pedestal or anything (or at least I try not to) and I do believe that it's easy to enter.”

with all the love, and this isnt just towards you but many others, you need to get real. lol it has me gagged that so many of you sit here sounding like, “life is so hard. im very ugly. no one loves me. im so depressed. my self concept is really good though so like where am i going wrong 💔” like lmfao…….

there’s not one bit of you in this ask that has me convinced that you actually know the things you’re claiming. you don’t need the void, you don’t put it on a pedastal… and yet you send me this ask where you’re obsessed with it. okay…

so let’s just start there. honesty with oneself is the first step. in the law especially, lying to yourself actually never works because like it says in the bible god will not be mocked. this means that you can pretend to be some type of way, but the god within knows what you’re REALLY saying within yourself. don’t be surprised when your real story you believe in keeps showing up in your life.

second thing that stood out to me:

“After I get all those things I want, including being cured by what can be considered a disability, I'll finally be happy. That's probably a damaging way to think. But anyway.”

those who wait for happiness wait forever. because it was always within, it was never a destination. it was always there and they ignored it. i think we try to write things off by pretending we’re acknowledging it “that’s probably a damaging way to think.” no, it actually is the reason why you’re in a self sabotaging doom loop. i’m not really sure what you want ? the law is driven by the self and only the self. either you’re in charge or you’re not. either you take control of your life or you keep thinking the universe may come in and save you. choose one because it simply will never work both ways.

when people come to me honestly, i will truly do what i can to help you no matter how hard it gets. when people come to be complacently, i’m not sure what to do. if you sit here and say you know everything and you just refuse to do it… then… alright. no one said you have to get what you want in life. it is completely optional for some of you. for me though, it’s the only path i see. thats why i stay committed and devoted to myself everyday because i deserve it all. and i know there’s plenty of you out there who feel how i do and wake up everyday to do your best. i do what i need to do to make sure i’m taken care of, because i love me and look out for me. if you’re gonna treat yourself like a second choice, and can’t even be bothered to turn within yourself and be the support you need then… i’m not sure what i could do for you. the law is fully based on self and only the self.

also it’s not always as easy as just flipping thoughts. it works for some people, sure. but that has nothing to do with those of us who it doesn’t work for. lol there’s other paths in this than just flipping thoughts and relying on the void like it’s ur lifeline. so if i was u i would lighten up a little and explore and learn myself and do what actually feels good to me and not what the entire online community is telling me to do.

i think sometimes some of us have actual old stories we have to work thru first. like your choice to just keep doing nothing isn’t just bc. there’s something inside u that is actively making it this hard. i also had this type of similiarity i had once had to sit down with and confront and accept about myself so i could let it go. so yeah. i’m not into the idea that you can just… bypass ur deeply engrained old story. it’ll keep being the place u operate from until u properly acknowledge it and allow urself to shift. note how none of this about force. it’s just about allowing. on my blog u have more than enough advice on how this is done. (pls check #i am and #allowing tags)

anyway i hope this helps you to maybe take on a new perspective and move forward in a way you would want for yourself. sorry it it was ever harsh but i do think its important to share this, for others who can relate to you. 💞

[aimai-ronri]

Reworking the Fuzzy Gaming Quest

This is the first time I've ever blogged publicly about something like this. I usually talk to friends about it, but I just as often don't say anything, because when I talk about video-games I get hyperfocused and sometimes the conversation takes a long time, so I often feel like it's a bit rude to get people wrapped up in it. But I remembered I have a tumblr now and people actually blog on here sometimes, so: prepare to suffer.

To set up why I'm so weird about games allow me to explain: first of all, I'm obviously not neurotypical in some way I don't know but one day would like to figure out. SECOND, I've been playing video-games literally since I can remember. My first real memories of cognition are watching my dad put cartridges in the NES, and climbing on the bed to put our Thai bootleg cart in there myself so I could play weird sprite hacks of Super Mario Bros. So anyway, gaming has factored heavily in my life since the beginning.

Anyway long story short, this has led to, for a long time, me wanting to leave some kind of legacy behind me in the form of a trail of beaten-up old video-games. Often this takes the form of just wanting to curate out a collection (physical or unholy--I mean digital) that I can leave behind in some state of completion, but on top of that it comes as me wanting to sit down and truly spend time with the games that are most important to my history over the course of my lifetime.

This has led to me making innumerable 'systems' for approaching the task of having a humongous backlog of video-games (some might say longer than is completable than anyone in a life time, and I recognize this) and often these systems get replaced or revised for being inadequate in some way. The latest no-thought system on my part was the Fuzzy Gaming Quest, in which the goal was basically to play through games starting from the beginning of time and blasting through at hyper-speed, with the intention of covering as much ground in order to induce familiarity as fast as possible with arcade games from an era I've rarely played (but longed for in my old man's soul).

This was working but I quickly ran into a snag (after recording about 250 videos 😥): I wasn't spending as much time with individual games as I'd like by any means. On one hand, I was backlogging games I was enjoying just to get them out of the way and continue the progress. On the other, sometimes I wasn't sure how much time you'd even spend with a game to consider yourself familiarized enough to rank it in some way, without necessarily having to beat everything (who has the time?). Not to mention arcade games that have no viable ending for the regular player (Pac-Man, Galaga, etc).

So anyway all this is leading up to me explaining the next iteration of the Fuzzy Gaming Quest. Here's a picture!

What you're looking at is essentially a 7 day scoreboard for various games that I selected out as important during my previous pass through the 70s and most of the 80s. These are all games I wanted to play more of or possibly log in a list.

7 days is my naive answer to how long I think would be good to spend on a game, in order to get competent enough at it to get a decent score and/or feel you've experienced your average game enough to go ahead and put it somewhere in a list. It might seem like overkill for a simple arcade game (though I'd argue you need to play repeatedly and give your brain time to absorb it to get the true experience), and it may seem like underkill for an RPG (though I'd argue that most RPGs probably aren't changing much more if you've been playing for 7 days already, but this doesn't forbid from continuing to play if I choose to), but this is my naive and probably flawed answer, anyway.

This is meant to serve the purpose of: - Progressing reasonably fast (notice this is a list of basically banger games everyone has heard of, I will probably only include a few games here or there that are lesser known that I just happen to like--I'll also be avoiding some consoles intentionally that I don't particularly like (like the Odyssey 2, sorry, it's my list though--convince me otherwise if you like)) - Filtering into some kind of "best of" list (if I don't even want to play it for 7 days (in brief sessions), it must not be very good after all and doesn't deserve to be on any best of list I would leave behind me--games that I do get through the 7 days I should understand enough to rank competently enough to make myself happy) - Giving me an excuse to spend more time on the games that really matter to me, today, in case I get hit by a bus tomorrow - Giving me a target for when I'm able to comfortably say I've experienced a game enough and don't need to feel bad about moving on if I want to but still haven't "beat it," and also leaving room for playing more if I like (I can sort it, take it off the board, but finish it anyway on the DL) (Also, if I do beat it, I can stop there with the board) - Satisfying whatever kind of ADHD thing I have going on by allowing me to keep a variety of games on rotation for some amount of time and not just getting stuck behind one game at a time - Breaking game experiences down over multiple days to allow a longer time to think about them and grow accustomed to them, also to allow me to fit them into my busy schedule by playing Space Invaders on the toilet for ~10 minutes - To leave behind a journal of high scores or information about how far I got in various games as I plod on

So, you may (rightly) ask: What's the point of all this? Why can't I just play games that I like and call it a day?

Well my first answer would be, "shut up I know you're right I just can't, my brain is broken," but my second answer, the one I would say aloud, might be that I really have always wanted to take a targeted approach to going through all of game history and that's what this is in service of.

I have no false expectations about getting all the way through game history up to now in one lifetime, at least not without sacrificing a lot of games in the process. I definitely won't ever get to the point where I'm always keeping up with contemporary games. It's lucky for me that I mostly fell out of favor with games around 2011 for various reasons, but really it had been a steady decline of interest since about 2005 or so. I have a shorter-hand target, but if I were to ever reach it, I'd like to keep going on, even if it means playing PS4 games in 2061 when I'm almost as old as my dad is now.

Anyway, your second question (and wow, if you made it this far) might be: "so what does this mean for your tumblr, which I care about intimately after seeing 20 posts, and was gutted when you temporarily took a break, and have been looking for meaning in my life ever since?"

Well, true believer, if you want I might post my 7 day high-score for various arcade games or something along with some pictures or videos of high points of the game (when I get to games complicated enough to have cool art). I haven't decided yet. I'm open to suggestions! I'd love to see people try to (and succeed!) at beating my scores (I'd feel like I influenced someone into maybe playing some old, great game they wouldn't have before deciding to just then).

If nothing else I hope it was interesting to see my thought process about this stuff.

If that's not true, I hope you were entertained by a write up of someone's journey ever deeper into video-game delirium.

And yes, I will get frustrated with the system and change it again in approximately a month.