#is this silly? idk but i like imagining him in meet cute kind of scenarios bc he fits them so well ;-;

[gojosvoid]

thinking about the fact that it's canon that gojo only gets 3 hours of sleep and commutes to work for an hour.

thinking about a no jujutsu au where you sit next to him on the bus/train/transport of your choosing one day and he nods off despite his best efforts.

thinking of his head slowly lolling onto your shoulder and it almost scares the life out of you at first so you jump a little in surprise as you feel the weight settle against your neck. but then you look down and maybe it's your lack of self preservation or you're just too nice that a strange man falling asleep on you doesn't really bother you that much; but you hear the soft little sounds of his breathing and his hair is very soft and oh, does he really smell that nice? so you can't even pretend to be bothered, settling back against the seat carefully so he doesn't wake.

thinking about how gojo wakes up to a gentle shake on his shoulder and he slowly sits upright, hand moving up to rub sleep from his eye, realizing he got some of the best rest of his life.

thinking about how he's met with your smile that's just as gentle as the hand that rouse him from his slumber and that he now realizes belongs to you. and maybe he can't help but think about how beautiful you are before he connects the dots and realizes the situation he's (unconsciously) found himself in. and maybe, just maybe, there's a bit of a blush that rises to his cheeks as he sheepishly apologizes and you wave him off with a small laugh, the sound of your voice making his stomach flip.

[husbandohunter]

YOOO hello!! first of all, I hope you are doing well Nya ^^ remember to take care of yourself, stay healthy, and drink lots of water, mkay? good good :) (ur writing is astounding btw i love it sm)

second, may i request a childe angsty (not much tho, just missing him- does that count as angst lmao) + fluffy scenario (or the uh dot hcs thing?? with lil scenario after it?? idk how to call it 💀 but yeah you can choose :D) with a timid, reserved s/o? like... you're feeling a bit down and miss him, waiting for him to return- and when he does, you just- dash into his arms, while he sits there paralyzed, since you don't generally initiate the affection. too shy to do so- however when u do he softens at ur cuteness,, (regretting your decision afterwards cause he makes you blush while praising you- way too easily- and he admires you more while u bashfully avoid his gaze-)

and while cuddling he asks as to why you did that, if something occurred... noticing you were sniffling instead of talking, he halted to take a look at your face, freezing once he saw your profile, crystal clear tears painting it. wiping them away, he cupped your cheeks with his greater hands and before he could utter another word, you answered him, his worried expression transforming into a surprised one unimaginably fast.

"I just... love you so much Ajax. I love you..."

repeating that over and over while delicately holding his hands close to you, a soft smile decorating your lips as you leaned into his palms. and he just. smiles too completely melting-

aand that's all i can think of-- i hope that gave you enough fuel to think of the scene hh- obv take your time with it pls don't feel rushed okay? ik you're busy and have many requests already hh ^^ take a break if you must! farewell!!

Sweetness [Childe x Reader]

Synopsis: Childe can expect all kinds of ambushes but not the one that attacks him in the heart!

Genre: gender neutral reader, mild angst to fluffy fluff

(A/n): First off you’re so sweet anon. I don’t mean to take this long but I do think about the blog and you guys every once in a while. I hope this was to your liking, though got self-indulgent with the last part xD Childe is either badass or an absolute clown🤡 there’s no in between

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• Childe had been sent away on a mission in Snezhnaya two months ago. He wrote letters to you in his absence. Until the weekly letters became nonexistent. It was due to the fact been busy over the course.

• But you didn't know that. Demands of being the 11th Harbinger had made things difficult for him to even sit down and relax.

• And when he finally got the chance to pick up his inkset, the man falters yet again over another crumpled sheet tossed into the waste basket.

• How on Teyvat should he begin after weeks going cold? Since when was the last time the two of you properly talked? Were you so furious that you didn't write back?

He felt as if he was being physically beaten by these incessant questions, plagued by scenarios that don't exist.

Childe blankly stares at the ceiling of his hotel suite. It was deathly quiet. The candle burns alight, confined in the glassjar designed by Snezhnayan antiques, and he swore he could even hear wax dripping down the sides.

The Harbinger slaps a hand over his face and groans, "Haaaa, I can't believe I'm actually losing my mind over this."

Hopefully no one sees him in his current state. Their Fatui leader fussing with love letters akin to a teenage boy's first crush. Earlier the evening Childe announced to his assistant that no one shall disturb him while he is issuing an important message to overseas, otherwise they meet a harsh punishment under his command. That was an excuse. A very silly excuse. There was no diplomacy to be made overseas, just one man missing his lover.

The picture of your most recent expression shows up and Childe meticulously carves it out of his imagination. While you were not the type to be vocal about your affections, reserved and somewhat aloof, somehow that itself was a charm of yours. Perhaps he likes a good challenge, perhaps the spark between you two ignited when he kissed you on a fluke. And when you couldn't form the words to your clouded thoughts, actions alone were more than enough for the man to be satisfied.

"Let's see where this goes, yeah?"

Then one meeting turns to another, three dates turn to four, and before he knew it, Childe has been looking forward to spending time with you ever since. A part of him waiting for answers yet to be said. Do you like him the way he likes you? Even though everything he does appears to be whimsical and reckless? This long distance makes him think they were almost not real drives him mad.

What if you were seeing someone else?

A pause, the information too great for him to process. Childe spasms in his seat and slaps both palms flat on the surface table, sounds resonating through the room, enough for his assistant outside to hear.

Nah, who am I kidding? The man waves off the idea like an impractical joke. There's just no way. Sure you were attractive and alluring with mystique, Childe is certain that he had no competition. After all he was a Fatui Harbinger for Archon's sake. Crafty, handsome, strong with a good sense of humor, he's your ideal man. No one's got a shot at this other than him.

Except all those statements existed only in his head.

How the hell should he know what you're thinking about?! The man rests his face on a propped up palm, tapping the desk with the other as he thought deeply. No, a love letter won't work anymore. He needs a new way, preferably something enough to encapsulate his charms as he sweeps you off your feet and makes your heart race at the idea of him. He needs a strategy.

Should I invite them for a fancy dinner?

Childe has already done that a few times, something fresh would be more preferable. Oh, he could pull off the classy tactic of buying a bouquet of flowers and surprising you with it. But that's so cliche. Ugh, he cringes, what if you think he's lame?!

The assistant guarding outside knocks on the door, "Sir, is everything alright?"

"Yes," Childe replies back, rather annoyed, "I thought I told you not to bother me."

"M-My apologies," he hears the assistant scurry away in quick steps.

Finally, some peace. The Harbinger checks the time. It was half past sunset. All the soldiers should be assigned to their pre-booked rooms since was going to be their last departure.

"Fuck...." Childe breathly mutters. This is taking longer than it should. He already had you guessing over his actions, for a month in fact. At this rate, he'd have to show up without a pre-warning explanation of why he wasn't answering your calls.

The snowstorm outside ceases to relent like a reflection of his own. What he feels right now, what he's doing, the Harbinger knows well enough this wasn't some fluke. Childe sinks into his arms and looks at the flickering candle, focusing on it's small flame, wondering, if you're thinking of him the same way.

• Sitting by the windowsill, watching the view that leads to your front yard, visualizing a cheerful man with ginger hair and waving from the trees.

• Ajax. You missed him but wasn't sure how to say it. Papers and envelopes were tucked away in a corner where you could easily reach, savored and impatient for his return.

• They were mostly filled with stories about his homeland, places that he wanted to take you, and sometimes mentioning how his work got the better of him. You figured his silence must be the fact he was busy. At least, that's what you convinced yourself to believe.

• What could he be doing right now?

Ajax's name hasn't appeared in your mailbox for quite a while.

The splash of water runs when you release the tap, absentmindedly scrubbing away remains of leftovers and takeout from last night's dish. Two months ago he appeared at your doorstep in his usual brazen entrance. And it was the same day he had to announce his departure.

"Borsche," you said with a smile. Ajax mentioned how he'd personally bring ingredients from Snezhnaya, bringing as in sneaking, so you could be his first ever foreign taste tester. Of course you'd like anything he'd cook regardless, but he was joyful talking about his family from home that you wanted to explore a little more of this new side of his.

You thought you wouldn't mind the long distance communication, however, it seems you've severely overestimated yourself. After the final meal at your house, Ajax walks towards the exit, the both of you knowing how agonizingly slow it was. You recall looking at him in that deep ocean gaze, trying to say what wanted to be said. Him waiting with anticipation.

"Good luck with your mission!"

• What a mistake, that was the perfect chance and you just couldn't muster up the courage to tell him. You know he was expecting something, you know he's been patient with you, and you're tired of guessing.

• There were days where a part of you doubts if he still feels the same. Days when you felt that all of this might be one sided and you were just another fling in his eyes. Days when you think he actually wouldn't return.

• Eventually, you couldn't help but truly believe he left you for someone else, finally fed up with you beating around the bush.

Despite all the obvious signs from Ajax's lack of communication, you wanted to try one last time.

Yesterday was the day he said he would be coming back to Liyue. The sky looked as if it were about to rain any moment. People crowded under the nearest roof they could find. Their bustling noise drowned out to mere background noise as you stayed, keeping an eye out for that cheerful man of yours all the way till the last ship parked beside the Harbor. 

It was empty. By the time the other families went home with their loved ones, you stood there alone, holding a single umbrella.

"Excuse me!"

No news or a forewarning. You had no idea what must have happened. Regardless, you wanted to try again.

Running across the pavement, you tried to catch up with the sailor keeping watch of the seas, "I want to ask if you've seen a tall man with orange hair leave just now?"

He takes out the cigarette chewed between his teeth and takes his time to answer, "Ah you're the person from yesterday," the sailor comments, "Sorry kiddo, but the merchant shipments will be the only ones dropping by this hour."

Your stomach makes an uncomfortable churn as your heart denies what must be accepted, "Ah, I guess that makes sense."

There was no point in being optimistic about it anymore. The seldom appearance of letters, the disappointment evident on his face when you didn't tell him what he wanted to hear, the chilliness of the rain when it hits your skin, hand trembling by the obvious cold. Everything was so much clearer.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," you quickly added while wiping your eyes, unable to contain your sadness, "I'm just missing someone. That's all."

The sailor spares you a look of pity, assuming what story it went on with the clues you gave him. He mutters words of consolation but it felt deaf to your ears.

Why couldn't you just say it? Why did you have to be such a coward in the end when all he was trying to do was making this relationship work? Biting your lip, you kept your eyes casted down to not be blinded by the sun, otherwise you might actually cry. You should've known better to not hold back. And now, he's gone forever.

"Hey."

• Childe watches you turn over your shoulder, hesitant as ever and time seems to have halted in the small pocket of this instance.

• Damn.

• You were as beautiful as the day he last saw you. Though of course nothing about your appearance changed at all. Only his feelings, they grew and more apparent during the days he wasn't by your side.

• Yeah, I'm way over the crush phase, aren't I? He could only imagine what kind of expression he was making.

Tension fills the gap between the two of you as neither made an initiative to close it. Childe examines you, unreadable and without his default grin. Your eyes blown wide under the deep furrow of your eyebrows, mouth turned downward.

Welp he deserved the silent treatment. What nerve does the guy have when he shows up to his lover empty handed and a day behind his promised schedule? Minus all the Fatui fiasco he had to deal back in Snezhnaya and no explanation whatsoever.

"So uuuhhh," Childe glances at you tentatively. Ah shit they're mad probably. He was unsure how te begin. It was almost as if you were strangers and that pained him a little, "So how have you been?"

Slap. He mentally facepalms. That was so stupid.

Well fix it you idiot! A million suggestions run simultaneously that reduces his brain into a pile of mush. He had it all planned out earlier, the flowers, the dinner, the play to sweap you off your feet and make you fall for him again. Seems that his reliable swagger had betrayed him entirely. No fancy entrance. No funny remarks to distract the awkwardness. Right now he was just Childe the lovesick man.

"Look, I know I haven't replied to you," Childe rubs the back of his neck and avoids eye contact, "And I understand if you're pissed about it. We went through a lot back in Snezhnaya which is why don't have any ingredients I promised," he pinches the bridge of his nose, "Ah, I guess I should probably apologize for that too."

This isn't going well. He knew he was trying way too hard to play it cool and most likely makes him look as if here were creating excuses. Screw it, just go straight for the heart, "What I'm trying to say is-"

You threw yourself around him in an instant and buried your face in his chest. Childe nearly stumbles backward, completely off guard for once. He can instinctively expect and attack but not this kind of attack.

Almost gave him a heart attack.

"[Name]...?" He finally whispers out, his sleeve covered arms crawling to return your embrace. The man was trying to feel, to make sure if this was real. Did you just...hug him?

"Ajax."

Then it occured to him that your voice was breaking. The tightening of your hold and the point of your nose against him, he could sense the faint quivering of your shoulders. Childe surrenders all intentions to fulfill his previous agenda as the matters in front of him were much more important.

"Hey, what's on your mind?" he gently hushes, cradling your head with one hand and the other on your back, "I'm listening."

Yes, that's what you needed right now and he'll gladly give it to you, as much as you want. If you allow him that is. Childe knows he can be a bit selfish sometimes and maybe he's jumping to conclusions, but holding you like this is a moment he wants to indulge in. Just cherishing you like he should have.

"I just..." you began, breathly, "love you so much, Ajax. I love you..."

Damn.

Childe is sure he just felt what it's like to float on cloud nine. As cheesy as it sounded. He's somewhat glad your face is buried in his coat right now so you wouldn't be able to witness the goofy smile he's shamelessly wearing. Looks like he had nothing to worry about. Man, did it feel good to know you felt the same way all this time.

He releases you, though not enough to be fully apart because why would he? Your nose was tinged with red and eyes watery, the man swore his heart must have been hit with a pyro reaction. What a cutie pie.

"I've got you, don't worry," he reassures while cupping your face. He leans down to peck the corner of your lips before properly placing a chaste one. The action was so sudden that you weren't mentally prepared for it. He laughs, the same boyish charming manner, "Sorry, couldn't help it. You're too irresistable."

"Y-You're," shades of crimson layers across your cheeks that he's glad he has the privilege for a closeup, "Irresistable..."

Hooooooolddd up.

Childe pulls to a mental stop for a double take. Was that a compliment just now? No, it was a confession. He wasn't used to being praised like this. You may not be the type to vocally speak your true feelings but you were also the type to wear them on your sleeves. A smug smile makes it's way to his face and he tilts his body ever so slightly so you were dipped backwards in a mid-tango pose.

Childe's mouth was mere inches away from yours as he drinks up the image of your vulnerable look, underneath him and no one else to intrude.

"Ajax?!" You stuttered.

"I don't think I heard you clearly. Mind saying that again?" Yes he was being indulgent right now but the opportunity was hard to come by. Also those two months made it so agonizing to bear he needs a remedy to soothe all that drama.

You're pouting now and Childe tips down to kiss you on the cheek, "Don't tease me. Not here in public," you whisper-yelled well trying to push him away similar to a smothering puppy.

"Oh? Now you're going to reject me? I thought you said I was irresistable?" Childe's words muffles against your skin and the vibration spreads across like wildfire.

"Ajax!"

"Fine, fine," he chuckles heartedly, not letting you go. Instead, he repositions his arm until it was swung around your shoulder, pulling you close to his side, "By the way I wanted to say that I shouldn't have left you hanging. The mission got real messy last minute and I didn't wanna half-ass a letter to you."

You shook your head, "It's not your fault. I know you were busy. Just that..." you breathed out, somewhat relieved and anxious at the same time, "I thought you were angry that I wasn't being honest with you. I was afraid for some reason. But now, it's a lot easier than I thought."

"Huh? What do you mean?" He asks.

"I thought you left me for someone else."

A moment where his brain short circuits and Childe lets out a howling laugh. You looked at him with awe. What was so funny all of a sudden?

"Gotta say that I'm being tossed left and right with these surprises," he mused, "Guess that even if we're apart, we're still that close, eh?"

You quirked an eyebrow at him, "What do you mean?"

Childe slides his hand up your shoulder bone to pinch your cheek, "Nothing, sweetness."

• You chased after him demanding for answers but Childe doesn't budge. The only thing you could tell that he was in an extremely good mood after that.

• Oh well, all is well, ends well does it?

"Since I don't have anything to cook the Borsche I mentioned to you before, we'll have to settle for something else I'm afraid," Childe shrugs, "Anything in mind you wanna do?"

You sighed, fondly at least, "I already said I don't mind as long as you're cooking."

"S'that so? Well then," Childe moves renewed with energy, extending his hold in a beckoning manner and you laughed at his antics, "Shall we go, my snowflake?"

You take it and squeezed it, "I'd love to."

[sexybabystevie]

Ok hear me out: Steve and the reader being childhood friends/crushes despite their different social circles in HS that they’re go into each other’s locker to borrow each other’s textbooks if they forgot their own and leave each other cute/silly notes to find

OBSESSED HELLO THIS IS SO CUTE??? idk i hold a special place in my heart for s1-s2 steve <333

okay so i imagine this as a little scenario where maybe you live in the same neighborhood, person-next-door type deal. knowing each other since you were kids, being best friends for years (ofc with silly little crushes on each other).

but unfortunately you aren't ever in the same social circles - steve's popular and has a much more wealthy family, etc, which immediately means you don't hang out with the same people - but you don't hold it against him because you still meet up and hang up on the weekends, you still study together by the poolside at his house as the school year comes to a close and everything is bright with the coming of summer. you have other friends too, but you always come back to each other.

and although you don't hang out at school that often, you can't really go all day without interacting with each other, so steve starts not-so-sneakily saying that he forgot his math book at home, and can he pretty please borrow yours? he says it will only be a one time thing, but it turns into days and days of him forgetting some kind of book at home, and you can't always be late to your next class by unlocking your locker for him, so you just give him your combination and give him free roam of whatever he needs, whenever he needs it.

it's when you go to use your own books that you notice little notes - sometimes on sticky notes or written lightly in pencil on the margins of the pages he knows you'll be reading that day since you both have most of the same classes. 'i miss you - study sesh at mine tonight?', 'your hair looks really pretty today,' 'don't fall asleep today, mr. jones's lecture is SO boring,' among various other little things, like absent doodles of mustaches on some of the people in the images of your history book.

at first you're a little worried about vandalizing school property, but you can't deny the fact that the little notes and drawings make you smile in moments of intense school boredom, so you begin answering back on the next day's lessons, making up your own little things to say as well. 'i think cleopatra looks better with the mustache you gave her,' 'pay attention! i don't wanna have to reteach this to you later, harrington,' along with writing the steps to some of the math problems you know he has a particularly hard time answering.

the two of you get so used to sharing books that you decide next year you'll let steve's parents buy a single copy to share - meaning that you'll not only be able to write notes in his books, but you'll also be able to leave little gifts and silly things in his locker next school year.

you can't wait.

[beauzos]

obligatory yuty for the ask!!! but also if you dont want to only talk abt yuty then Ummm fulbright:3 or both even if youre feeling fancy...

Send me a character and I’ll list:

I already got one for Yuty, but thank you! So Fulbright it is.

Favorite thing about them: His pure of heart, dumb of ass nature... idk! I just feel like his bombastic, friendly personality is so lovable. I was invested in him from the second I met him! He just leaves such an impact with his silly but earnest personality. I love how determined he is, how he's got these big emotions and how much he believes in Blackquill and isn't scared of him one bit even though everyone else is because he sees Blackquill's raw potential. Waaaa. It's nice. Least favorite thing about them: Beyond him tasing Blackquill, um. What they did to his character by having him get murdered off-screen before the game starts lol. I think the way they did the Phantom twist was incredibly lame and I've talked extensively about it before so I'll spare y'all and just link the posts where I've bitched about it instead. 1 | 2

I haven't thought about it in a while so my opinions may have changed a bit idk just read these KRKFNM Second post isn't mine but I did leave a fucking tag essay so there's that. I do plan on replaying Dual Destinies soon to see what I feel about the game after knowing everything I do now, though. Favorite line: idk if it's a favorite line exactly but my favorite moment with him is in Turnabout Academy where he pops out of the art room window and is like "oh it's y'all!! in justice we trust!!" and helps out Athena and Apollo while Athena excitedly greets him n Klav and Apollo are like ??? It's so cute. brOTP: Ummm him with Ema is pretty fun! I want all the detectives to be buddies, and I think that Ema would originally be so pissed off and annoyed by him, but come to appreciate his earnestness and kindness. I think once she cools off and becomes a proper forensic detective she'd mellow out and be much more open to befriending people she works with. I think they'd get along very well. I also like the headcanons where Bobby really looks up to Gumshoe, so I like their dynamic too.

I also think him and Yuty would be fun. I think Nahyuta would be annoyed by Fulbright at first like Ema, though. But Fulbright probably fills a similar environmental niche to Datz, so I think Nahyuta could deal with him eventually. I imagined this scenario (admittedly in a shippy sense-- I think Madhibright is a funny ship and kinda cute, but I don't actually ship it anymore, they're just pals) where they meet post-SOJ and thought it'd be fun. Here's that post I made. OTP: Blackbright, I guess! IDK, I don't ship as much for him as I used to, but this is still my number one. I LOVE their dynamic in DD, I love the possibilities of what a dynamic could be like post-DD had he lived, so on. They're definitely Together but it might be kind of an unlabeled grey area friendship gay thing too. I don't know KRKF but I like them a lot! It's fun. I think they're very cute. nOTP: I dunno. Who are they gonna ship him with if not Blackquill? The Phantom? I've seen cute stuff with the Phantom and him as buddies that I find interesting. I wouldn't call romantically shipping them a NOTP, it's just vaguely weird but I don't really care at all. So, none I guess. Random headcanon: He's from the South and has a Southern accent!!! I love giving characters I like Southern accents it's kind of a thing I do if I have an excuse to, lol. It's why like half the Tazmily villagers were written with accents during my Mother 3 fanfic days. I think it suits him, idk why. It's better than the goofy ass voice they gave him in DD 😭 Unpopular opinion: idk. I don't know what people think about him, aside from him being another character the AA subreddit will try to convince you just absolutely sucks. Aside from, like, I don't know, I think it's a bit off sometimes if AUs where Bobby lives that people try to put all the blame for shitty behavior towards Blackquill on the Phantom. I get why, but I think sometimes it's worth examining how his position of power could be harmful to Blackquill regardless of his pure intentions or whatever. He's a cop, after all.

I know some people are uncomfortable with the ethics of a ship with Blackquill while he's still in prison (which is why some folks will specifically only interpret Blackbright as a post-DD thing) but I'm also like. idk I think THAT'S worth examining too! By people smarter than me. I'm not doing it KRKF I just find their dynamics interesting, warts and all.

I get it, though. Sometimes you just don't wanna fucking get into it SDJN but yeah! Song I associate with them: Never Ever Getting Rid of Me from Waitress. Quintessential Blackbright song Favorite picture of them: This pose is my fave everrr it's adorable.

though I also like the one official art where he's crying looking at Blackquill. ok gay ass

[ghost-of-the-machine]

ramble about my aromantic tendencies cuz im all. confused im SURE theres a word for this i just think im not ready??? i think like. not in a personal way, in a PHYSICAL way like something needs to change before id ever CONSIDER IT, makes me sick otherwise like theres so many things!! so many hurdles and stuff that would deter me from all that nonsense but i still like the idea of it like the idea is so sweet, its why i enjoy it so much in fiction but. in execution? IDK MAN.. freaks me out for so many reasons

romantic love is so cute bro like. its genuinely adorable to me, i love listening to love songs and just feeling the emotion and passion behind all the words, but ummmmmmm. i think realistically im capable? i just think that any attempt wouldnt go well, i dont think i can give someone what they might need, its always been like. okay 1. im going to be OBSESSED with you ill do anything you say ill let you mistreat and abuse me ill do anything for you okay which is not ideal!! not ideal, made for bad people dont want bad people. but?? on the other hand its also like i cant imagine loving another person more than i love my friends, but thats whats expected of me isnt it? i think they wouldnt like it very much if i had an equal amount but like. is it even possible? I REALLY DONT KNOW.. i know ive said it before, i just feel like. love, not platonic not romantic just LOVE pure unlabeled love. what kind of treatment would i give to a partner that i dont already give to my friends? itd go really wrong there im sure, i dont wanna hurt anybody yknow

idk its like such a cute little fantasy tho isnt it? maybe i meet someone and we become friends and then it leads to something more, is going on dates fun? maybe it would be but. i go on dates with my friends!!!!!! like is it different? i guess, but im out with someone i love i dont see how it could be much different

sometimes it feels like people like me dont get that. its hard to be good enough for someone else, like. i know theres like 8 billion people in the world but its always. im too fat im trans im not hot enough im too mentally ill im too awkward too. TOO EVERYTHING!! so on top of like. how can someone possible be more than what i already have, i have to be good enough too!!!!! so much work, i honestly. after brian, i was so content to just fall back on fictional characters, i know it sounds silly but self shipping LITERALLY saved my life i was hanging by a thread after him and then i found a coping mechanism that made me feel so good

i think its uncertainty, when it comes to fictional relationship? i make the rules, the scenarios, its perfect for me but. in real life you cant do that, im thrown in BLIND. i know its part of life, you learn and grow together but erm... im autistic please dont do this to me PLEASE if i plan out my conversation at a grocery store with the clerk and im STILL THROWN OFF... yeeowch!!

thats the thing im very offputting to other people like. something about me, i can see it in their eyes, see the way they kinda. like im. somethings all wrong with me!!!! they dont like it, i cant imagine myself being charming but.. maybe if i start T, ill be less. dreadfully anxious about seeing other people, then maybe ill flourish a little more. we'll see, it still freaks me out the thought of loving someone more than my friends like TO ME i dont think its possible and i dont want to find out about it okay it makes me sick it feels like betrayal, never tell me otherwise or ill feel awful, its betrayal to me!!!! cuz i want to give my friends the most i can give, they deserve it, so like. what, am i supposed to give less? give someone else more?? like ew who are you1!!! i dont need you i just need my besties thats all i need :] but its still a nice thought isnt it? its cute

i think i just have like a limit on the amount of people i can know at one time, ive always wanted more friends and i have more friends now!! sooo i dont realy need anyone else then? its very easy for me to feel satisfied with what i have, of course i am!!! grateful even!!!! so im like. it just doesnt matter so much to me. nice thought but i dont see it happening like i dont really WANT it to happen like i do but also. like. listen.

am i still gonna throw down to little love songs? absolutely yes sir!! to me tho like its feelings i can easily project onto my friends SKFJS like how me and my bestie kiss eachother on the head okay. because i loooooove them, its so easy because i love them!! its a love song, i dont care what kind of love its made for, i feel love and ill hear it how i want :] ITS. its some weird social bullshit okay, who says we cant? who says we cant go on little friend dates and kiss and hug and be in love with eachother while also being JUST friends? WHO SAYS!!!! its what i dont get, theres some disconnect between romantic and platonic love that i dont see at all. why should one be more valued than the other? hogwash okay its gobbledygook its. nonsense!!! im glad i dont see it that way, the hard part is finding other people who also dont see it that way, i realize my feelings on it arent STANDARD.. still, im satisfied. i have a lot of love to give and im always allowed to give it, isnt that so wonderful?

[kinetic-elaboration]

August 28: 3x05 Is There In Truth No Beauty?

Several days later, coming back to write up these Star Trek notes. I feel like I never got to talk this episode through properly, or even think through it properly by myself, because mom went right into watching AHS on Thursday, and I was too tired to even sort through my thoughts and when we talked yesterday, it was… entirely about other things.

So, here at least are my liveblog thoughts, and maybe I’ll remember some more as I write.

Right off the bat, this is such a cool concept: the friendly alien Ambassador who no one can look at because his form is not fit for human eyes.

Love Spock’s silly looking little visor. Not sure I get why he’s wearing it right now, when the Ambassador is in his box, but okay.

Dr. Jones is so beautiful. I love her dress.

I’m sure Spock is thinking “If only all Ambassadors could be put into little boxes like this.”

Okay, Ambassador’s coming! Everybody quarantine!

Right, I JUST remembered the significance of the dress.

Spock has experience with mind links with other creatures—a lot of experience that ho. Is he thinking about the pleasure of connecting to Kirk, that “dynamic individual”?

“My life is here.” With the Captain???

I feel like this episode is implying, all but stating outright, that Spock is very good at mindlinking. Like maybe even more so than the average Vulcan. Which makes sense because he does it so often. And yet he still messes up with AOS!Kirk.

I love the effects for the Ambassador. I’m not even being sarcastic; I think they get across the experience of looking at him quite effectively.

Hmmm, some non-touch telepathy. I know Spock has a little of that. I guess it’s mostly him reacting to Miranda, though.

Gotta get a dig in at Dr. McCoy before he leaves lol. Spock, so predictable.

Kirk’s flirting is off the charts today omg. Tone it down man.

SCOTTY IN A KILT aw yeah.

She learned from the Vulcans how not to read thoughts. Exactly!! Their telepathy is such an underrated part of the whole Vulcan thing, including why they remain ‘emotionless.’

She’s so jealous of Spock.

Honestly this whole scene… there’s a lot going on here! I’m trying to pay attention to the Vulcan telepath stuff but the men won’t stop flirting at 11. Especially McCoy, laying it on extra thick.

She does hold her own very well, though.

A preference for beauty—one of our last prejudices.

“Sleep well.” So cute. (I’ve already forgotten but I’m pretty sure this is Kirk.)

“We’re all vulnerable in one way or another.” KIRK SHUT UP I LOVE YOU.

Girls don’t like guys, girls like Medusan ambassadors.

This guy is so jealous. I barely know who he is lol; this comes out of nowhere.

Interesting angle on the hallway shot. I feel like there are a lot of those in this ep, like these weirdly long shots of the hallways… Maybe I’m just not used to seeing them with one or no people in them.

Kirk and the squad. Work work fashion baby.

“Larry? Marvick? Why?” Okay that is some real Shatnerian inflection there.

SCOTTY FIGHT SCENE.

*Ship veers obviously*

And look at this weird-ass view of the bridge. Like what the hell, where is the camera? On the lift? It’s so disorienting!

Spock needs to fix some stuff, calls for his protégé Chekov, of course.

And this funky music. So bizarre.

WE’LL BE SAFE AT THE BOUNADIRES OF THE UNIVERSE. Drama queen

This is a nutty view, this “unknown void.” Like one would think beyond space there’s… just more space, not a Windows 98 screensaver.

Space time continuum?? They didn’t time travel (again), did they?

“He just simply died.” How convenient.

“An entertaining suggestion, Mr. Chekov, but not very helpful.” Honestly, I do think he’s entertained. Spock has grown so much over the course of the show.. like I know there was controversy with his IC-ness this season but in this case, I really do think it is growth. Compare this to the Corbomite Maneuver, where he had a sense of humor but it was… a little mean, a little arch. There’s a certain warmth to him now.

Her mind must be so engaged that she doesn’t notice the plan for Spock to meld with the Ambassador = Kirk will seduce her. Lol. Of course. Everyone’s favorite honeypot.

He has absolutely NO shame.

The man sure does love his flowers, though.

She’s never been to Earth. So she’s a human born on a colony, I guess? That’s such a throwaway line, but so interesting. Could that be part of how she’s telepathic?

Oh no! A thorn!

“Violent emotion is a kind of insanity.” Can I steal this?

Too ugly to bear or too beautiful to bear?

Let me spell it out for you: this is romantic. (Again, I’ve forgotten what this refers to, but I’m going to assume it’s something Kirk said.)

Lol Bones just dropping truth bombs. How did he know she was blind? Did he recognize the dress or does he have access to her files as the ship’s doctor?

And Kirk accepts it immediately. “Of course! It’s the only reasonable explanation as to why you weren’t attracted to me.”

The Ambassador is brought to the bridge and placed behind a covid wall, I mean, protective barrier.

And now, we meet the Ambassador for real.

“THAT’s Spock!” Bones is so happy. He’s really not comfortable with Spock being all… smiley and flirty. Or rather, someone in Spock’s body, I should say.

Kollos is VERY flirty. And he and Miranda have chemistry for sure. It’s weird, because I don’t get any sense of that between her and Spock (rightly so) but Spock as the Ambassador and it comes right out.

I love the characterization of him. The idea that the Medusans’ thoughts are supposed to be particularly nice to engage with…. I really see how that would be. He’s so soothing.

Kollos is enjoying his time in a human body, I think. Mostly. Not all of it. (I got a little teary at the part about loneliness, ngl.)

Time to go back? So soon?

Noooo the shield! It’s like forgetting your mask when you enter a building.

[Spock wails]

Honestly, even seeing the steps to the upper level of the bridge is really weir. Like, I’ve always known there are steps there… but I’ve never thought about what they look like.

Kirk is so skeptical about all of this. Spock is in danger and his brain immediately goes to the pessimistic scenarios—very unlike him!

He’s freaking out nervous.

“Are we supposed to wake him with a kiss?” Idk, it’s worth a try. Why doesn’t Kirk give it a go?

Does Kirk have a game plan with Miranda here, or is he just honestly freaking out?

…The answer is honestly freaking out, which is rather a disappointment.

Trippy.

Spock has a necklace version of the IDIC symbol this time.

Everyone’s exchanging all these highly formulaic, formal goodbyes and Kirk’s like “Peace.” Wow, really trying hard with that one. Still rattled, I guess.

Also speaking of these formulaic exchanges—this fits very well with the HAICG-verse. Just saying.

This episode was really good! I loved Miranda, I am a huge fan of the underlying sci fi concept, and I though the Spock characterization and the hints of Vulcan culture were very interesting (and very in keeping with my own characterization and world building, imo).

The only thing I didn’t like was Kirk’s characterization. He felt like a stereotype, like who AOS thought TOS Kirk was, rather than himself—the over the top flirting, the dramatic rage, how he didn’t really seem in control of anything or on his game at all.

But, even though he’s my fave, the interesting Spock characterization made up for that, and I really appreciated these insights into him, interacting with someone who, while not Vulcan herself, had a Vulcan cultural background, someone he approached similarly to how he would one of his own people. It was very polite but with a lot of unsaid beneath the surface, which is how I imagine Vulcans are.

The introduction of IDIC truly was pretty random! I did like the idea of Spock trying to compliment her and not really landing it, because that’s just the awkward nerd sort of thing he would do. But it’s weird that the phrase has never been introduced before, and also that even within this episode, it’s only obliquely explained.

I’m not actually sure if I’ve seen the next ep or not. I don’t think so, but it’s possible I did and just don’t remember it very well…

[artswaps]

for the character ask thing: allura!

Do I like them:

My second-fav character after Keith. She’s so kickass, an absolute angel, when she smiles I smile, the light of my life, princess of my heart etc etc. I love Allura with my entire heart and soul??? Yeah. 

5 good qualities:

So fierce and brave and willing to fight for her vision of peace. She’s obviously scared and unsure at times, having such a massive burden on her shoulders and without her father there to help guide her decisions, but she has never once flinched away from the task in front of her. Remember when she was captured by Zarkon in s1 and when she was brought to him the first thing she did was scream at the guy and try to charge him???? My girl’s got guts. 

I love that she has mouse friends she plays charades with and lets do her hair up into ridiculous styles, and she has a box of jewellery and likes sparkly things and got excited when she found out there was another girl on the ship and immediately tried to bond with Pidge when the mice told her, and aaah… I just adore that softer, girly side to her. She has such intense responsibilities and so much that’s expected of her, but underneath it all there’s this youthful energy that reminds us that Allura’s just a kid who likes to have fun just like the rest of them. She’s?? adorable????

Compassionate and selfless- she just wants to help people!! She just wants them to have the chance to live in peace. She’ll do whatever she can to give them that chance, even if it means risking her own life. Allura is someone who has had so much taken from her, but she’s always willing to keep giving away whatever she has left in her if it means someone else will be safe. It’s not even a question for her, she just has that much compassion in her heart.

Said that the Alteans were very good diplomats largely because of their shapeshifting abilities, but one of the very first things she said when she met Lance was how hideous she thought human ears were. Ruthless. asdfjgfhk no but she’s really come leaps and bounds when it comes to her diplomacy skills. It wasn’t really touched on much in the show how being a diplomat was something Allura had to learn, rather than a skill she already had. But one thing that does come across as pretty clear to me is that in the more recent seasons, she seems to have more confidence in the way she delivers her words in those scenarios. I might be imagining that to some extent, though.

Very stubborn and independent and won’t let anyone talk down to her. A lot like Keith in that once she’s decided that she’s gonna do something, no one in the universe can change her mind. Like hell she’s gonna let anyone bench her in this fight- she knows how capable she is and she’s always gonna fight tooth and nail to help people however she can. 

3 bad qualities:

Kind of idealistic. Puts a lot of faith in Voltron being the One True Key to winning the war because and how it’s “a symbol of hope”, despite the fact that at the end of the day… they really are just one small team of people, and can’t be everywhere at once. Also her worldview prior to s3, the whole Altea=good and Galra=evil mindset she held was a pretty naive view of the universe. It was absolutely understandable what with the trauma she was dealing with and all the Empire had taken from her, but it was a conviction fuelled by her own losses and the grief/anger she was feeling, rather than one that took in the bigger picture. Not at all saying that her feelings about the Galra were unfounded or childish, just that the black and white outlook she had on the war was a little naive. (The fact that she was willing to challenge that mindset and admit she might be wrong, despite her trauma and all the inner turmoil it must have been causing her, just proves how strong she is tbqh. I admire her so much)

Can be a little too reserved. Loves the team dearly and cherishes the family they’ve become for her, but has trouble expressing that when addressing people on an interpersonal level rather than a practical/professional one. Comes across as a little stiff in such scenarios. 

Puts too much pressure on herself; she’s scared of being vulnerable around her team, expects herself to carry the burden rather than let others share it. She rarely breaks her composure around the others, worries too much about seeming strong and self-assured, and doesn’t like asking for help. This is something she’s actually improved on a lot since she became Blue’s paladin, I’m so proud of her aaahh. She seems to have become more open emotionally since s3, which is great!!! But I still think Allura is someone who is too hard on herself for her “failures,” and when she doesn’t meet the high expectations she sets for herself. 

Favourite episode/etc:

Probably The Hunted, because to me that really marked a massive turning point for Allura’s development. It was when she was finally forced to ask someone for help, rather than expecting herself to carry the burden alone and somehow succeed on her own grit. 

Plus, Paladin!Allura is just really, really cool. It makes me so happy? It’s awesome seeing her as a more integrated part of the team, and that was the first episode where that really took off. She seems so much more comfortable and open around the others, now. There’s been quite a few scenes in seasons 3-5 where Allura’s been shown openly talking about her doubt or anxieties around other team members, and it’s just so wonderful seeing her break down some of those walls. 

Also, Crystal Venom is always a classic. A very sad one for Allura, but very important. I found the corrupted AI a bit silly, the way it kept switching between moods or whatever… but the scenes of Allura running through her memories of her with her father were beautiful and heartbreaking. 

OTP:

Hmmmnnn I’m more interested in Kall/ura just because I’m more invested in both their characters, but I gotta admit I actually think the chemistry Allur//ance have started to develop in the last few seasons is v cute. 

Brotp:

I’m not sure if it counts as a Brotp cos it’s more familial than anything but I love the Coran+Allura dynamic, I think it’s underappreciated and very, very good. They’re so important to one another.

If we’re talking more in the way of friendship than Keith+Allura….. let my introverted awkward alien kids be best friends, dreamworks!! I also really like the thought of Pidge+Allura and Hunk+Allura…. wow I just really really want Allura to have a close friendship with everyone on team Voltron don’t I lmao. 

OT3:

*chanting* Kallu/rance! Kallu/rance! Kallu/rance!!! 

Notp:

idk I don’t really have one for Allura cos I don’t see much ship content for her. Sh/allura, I guess?? Eh. 

Best quote:

“No. I won’t give up on you. I won’t give up on any of you, no matter the circumstances.” 

hhhdsjfkg if that isn’t Allura in a nutshell I love her so much

Headcanon:

Allura 100% puts on secret fashion shows in her room with the mice as her audience. She wishes she had more chances to wear all those beautiful dresses she owns, but she’d feel a bit silly being the only one in the castle all dressed up when everyone else is in casual wear.

The mice and her have fun, though. She lets them pick out the accessories for each outfit. (There’s no way they’re touching her makeup, though.)

[bokunoimaginesacedamia]

Prompt: YUSSSS I AM HERE FOR MY AIZAWA pls do a scenario in which young!aizawa is taking his absolutely clueless-idk-what-dating-is-what-does-it-eat possibly future s/o on a date under some sort of pretext. And is like super cute bc is under the stars and they/she is cold and he like warm them and yusss k i s s ilu so much keep it up boo            

Request: Stargazing Anon

Notes: I call this scenario ‘how many different ways can i refer to stars in one go’ plz enjoy ((also thank you nonnie im lobe also and i will!))

It was supposed to be a study session - at least, that’s what Aizawa had told them. But, sitting here now in the cab of the rusted out pickup the sleepy black-haired teen had borrowed for the occasion, arms pressed together from the smallness of the cab and nature surrounding the due with beauty unseen within city limits, studying was the last thing on their minds.

In complete honesty, studying had been the last thing on Aizawa’s mind from the start. When he’d called s/o up, asking if they’d help him study for their upcoming midterm, he had simply been using the most logical excuse he could think of. S/o was the oblivious type and Aizawa knew that if he had simply asked s/o to go out with him they’d not understanding the meaning. If he wanted to make his feelings known he’d need to show them.

Renting a pickup he insisted belonged to a relative, lest S/o know he’d put as much effort and thought into the situation as he had, Aizawa had driven them outside of the city, luring s/o with the claim that it was simply easier for him to focus without all of the constant, bustling noise of the city. Innocent and honest, S/o had believed their dark haired friend without question - bless them. It amazed and terrified Aizawa all at once to know that S/o was so naive, so gullible and trusting; more than anything though, it endeared him. He couldn’t for the life of him understand why - something that had bothered him for a long time. It was something he’d come to accept, though. Feelings were, perhaps, not always something to be understood as much as accepted.

“Ohh! Shouta, look at that star! It’s so pretty.” With dreamy eyes and a soft smile that made Aizawa’s heart-rate skyrocket S/o shifted so as to bump against his solid arm, drawing the boy’s attention from his thoughts and directing it skyward. The sky above them was a blanket of black, an empty face dappled with freckled stars, twinkling and shining farther than the eye could see. It was a sight neither of the teens got to see often, the city lights often jealousy blocking out the stars own glow.

“Mm.” Aizawa’s response was simple, short, but his thoughts were anything but. As beautiful as the sky was, alight with life in the form of twinkling light, the black haired boy couldn’t help but still fixate on S/o. No matter how beautiful the sight before him, they somehow managed to be more captivating to him. The thought was cheesy, and Aizawa found his lips pursing subtly. He never imagined anyone would have him thinking such silly things, pining as hard as he was. But yet there S/o was, with his entire being wrapped around their finger as the scarf around Aizawa’s neck - constantly, with complete control. Yet S/o had no idea what they did to him.

The longer the night went on the more sure Aizawa grew of his feelings. His love for S/o had never been clearer to him than they had been on that night and still, he had no idea how to make it clear to them. A simple confession wouldn’t do - Aizawa was terrified that even a blatant ‘I love you’ may not get through to S/o. If they responded in kind, only to mean it completely platonically, Aizawa wasn’t sure he’d be able to recover.

As if the stars themselves listening in, eavesdropping on his thoughts and pitying the poor teenager, the universe did Aizawa a kindness soon after. A doorway, a light at the end of the tunnel, opened and suddenly Aizawa had his chance.

Being as close as they were Aizawa could feel it when S/o began to shiver. Their smiling face and continued admiration of the dappled sky above them made it clear that they were pretending not to be cold, but their body language showed made it even clearer that they were starting to freeze. With their knees pulled to their chest and hands buried between them, jaw clenched to keep from shaking, their state was obvious.

“You should have dressed warmer.” Harsh as he sounded Aizawa’s words were those of concern. It had been warmer during the day, sure, but here outside of the city, late enough into the night for the sun to have faded, it was much colder. Blame S/o as he might, though Aizawa couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty; the fact that he was seeing an opportunity in this made him feel even worse.

“Here.” Removing his sweater, a simple black pullover hoodie that hid a shirt just as dark, Aizawa pushed the article onto S/o. Without leaving room for argument and completely ignoring any protest he pulled the sweater over S/o’s head, pulling it straight at the waist. The pale boy couldn’t help a hard gulp at the sight of them in his clothing. They looked… cuter than he’d anticipated.

Pausing for a moment, collecting his courage and subduing his panic, Aizawa leaned a little closer, throwing an arm around S/o’s shoulders and pulling them to his side. It was a bold move, he thought, but someone like S/o called for such action. He was more than willing to pull away if S/o wanted him to, arm around them loose despite how taut the nervously flexed muscle was.

“Sharing body heat is the best way to keep warm. It’s only logical.” Stairing straight ahead, all of his courage used up with none remaining to allow him to meet S/o’s eyes Aizawa desperately hoped that they couldn’t see the blush on his face. That… hadn’t been what he’d wanted to say. But confessing to them right then, with them so close and his heartbeat so loud in his ears felt almost impossible.

“Y-- um, you’re really warm.” S/o sounded shy? Uncomfortable? He hoped it wasn’t the latter. Though, they hadn’t made any move to pull away - something he was thankful for.

“It’s kinda nice.” Aizawa could feel their eyes on him, staring up from where their head pressed to his shoulder. He risked a glance down and regretted it immediately, turning his head away with a soft grunt. God they looked so good up close--

The next few moments passed in a silence that, for Aizawa, was simultaneously comfortable and so heart-pounding nerve wracking that he found it hard to breathe. Having S/o so close was nice in a way he couldn’t describe, though, and in that moment he wouldn’t have traded their touch for anything.

“Thanks for taking me out here Shouta.” S/o’s words came after what felt like a small, peaceful eternity, the smile in their voice making Aizawa’s shoulders relax a fraction. S/o was an open book to him; someone so innocent and sweet couldn’t hide much from eyes as insightful as his. They were being honest.

“Maybe we could do it again sometime…?” The request made Aizawa’s heartbeat spike again, the organ shooting into his throat. It was hard to tell what they meant by that. Were they speaking romantically? Platonically? Were they even sure themselves? It was a nerve wracking question, but still one Aizawa knew the answer to without hesitation.

“Of course.” Maybe next time he’d work up the nerve for a proper confession, too.

[moonraccoon-exe]

OKAY I SWEAR THIS WILL BE THE LAST ONE. This is kind of open because I wondered how you would see this scenario but how do you think Iris and Regis first meet? (let's assume that the Brotherhood Ep 3 wasn't the first time the two of them met) Would Clarus have walked in on Regis doing something so ridiculous with his daughter he can't stop laughing, and Regis is just relaxing highly amused in whatever he was doing with Iris. IDK I JUST WANT MORE IRIS, CLARUS AND REGIS INTERACTION BC THEY CUTE

But why do you say “I swear this will be the last one” like YOU PEOPLE THINK I DISLIKE TO BE SENT STUFF OHMYFAHKI LOVE to be sent stuff, it’s like literally my only contribution to this fandom WHY DO YOU SAY THAT LIKE I’D MIND TO BE SENT MORE STUFF

*moon raccoon has to sip on orange juice to calm down*

I have some DAMN FANTASTIC HEADCANONS (if I may say so myself) on Clarus and Regis as supportive figures to Gladio and Ignis (I can share links again if you want, there’s three posts on that), but I hadn’t thought about Regis and Iris interacting!

Considering Regis and Clarus are intimate friends since like...always, I think, I’d dare to say the first time the king ever met Iris was like 20 minutes after she was born, to be honest. 

But the idea of Clarus walking in on Regis doing silly things with baby Iris is just LOVELY and wonderful!!

Agh, the amount of fluff, I CAN’T.

Imagine Clarus left Iris for a bit with Regis to go attend something (he had at first said he would look for someone else because the king is a very busy man so “i can’t just give him my baby like it’s not distracting”, but Regis insisted because “it’s not like you’re going to be gone for 3 hours, Clarus, it’s only 20 minutes, I’ll handle it just fine”). So last he saw was Regis sat at a chair with baby Iris cradled in his arms.

Clarus returned a bit later than expected, opened the door, and the first thing he finds is Iris sat on the floor giggling SO HARD and so loud while clapping her little hands with the king’s cape on her (it’s like 30 times her size but a tip will hand from her shoulders nonetheless and the rest will pool around her), and Regis is down on the floor with her, his side-crown thing accomodated to look like a damn horn, and he has a pair of chopsticks hanging from his mouth like a pair of fangs and he’s pretending to be some horned beast trying to attack her but failing every time he gets close, and Iris just loses her shit and bursts out in laughter every time Regis “misses” the hit

And Clarus will just smile because it’s so cute but so ridiculous and he’ll watch for about three minutes before Regis spots him.

Omg imagine the possibilities of other scenarios.

“My apologies, your Majesty. Did my girl give you troubl-...what are you, what are you two... -sighs- Regis. Regis what did you teach her now?”

“CLARUS, OLD FRIEND, look at this we created a new friendship greeting, you’ll love it. Iris, like we practiced, okay?”

Regis & Iris like:

Clarus will stay quiet while Regis smiles SO PROUDLY at him.

Clarus is still quiet.

This doesn’t impress him at all.

I mean, he already deals with Gladio at home, and with the sassy prince, and spent all his life with a sassy Regis, so

This really doesn’t impress him.

[lendingamachete]

I've been talking to this guy daily for a little over a month now and like.. my brain just wants him to be my boyfriend so I can bug him without feeling like im Bugging him, you know?

Theres no chance of us meeting in person until March because we have different start dates for Disney. But like.. I've never had a guy admit to liking me and want to talk to me everyday and straight up tell me he likes me while also planning fun things to do together in Disney... part of me doesnt trust him fully BECAUSE this has never happened and idk how its supposed to work so it feels too good to be true.. but part of me is like.. can we both be in Disney already? I just want to hang out with you in person now.

I like him. I like his voice. Hes like an attractive dorky grandpa.

Ive been fighting a losing battle with my attempts to not get attached to him. He just does cute things that rope me in closer and I cant. And im like, so scared that if/when we meet he'll see me and be like "ew no" even tho he can easily go on my FB and see that i am NOT a model (and I've told him- he insists he doesnt care about that..) [he has a body like Nick Jonas Circa "Careful What You Wish For"] or like.. what if we meet and we like each other for real and he becomes my first real boyfriend? What if we do all those relationship things and then we break up? What if he's My Person? All scary things I've never thought about with anyone before because No One has ever admitted feelings for me.. and this guy has already stuck around while I dumped two big buckets of overthought crazy on him, he's mentioned the idea of a relationship, he was sad/worried (or appeared so) when he thought I wasnt going to Disney.

I dont know what happens in a relationship or how fast or slow you are supposed to do things. But he's been patient through my crazy moments and still talks to me everyday and im like.. what is happening? Is this a trick? Why do I deserve this?

Especially since I legit WAS NOT looking for anything. I "Liked" his survey on a DCP FB page and then he messaged me and sent me a friend request and idk why but I responded and we've been talking everyday since and I just.. i know I'm overthinking it all but like.. if we do become something come March, like what? Part of me thinks hes talking to Every woman who "liked" that survey but also part of me thinks hes just talking to me (tho mostly i doubt that somehow, based on youtube rabit holes about men/dating) But he's told me he likes my personality and that Im pretty and funny and he's straight up told me he liked me a lot and has mentioned a relationship in conversation and when I tell him I'm uncomfortable with something he backs off of it and like what if he IS a good guy who DOES like me? Idk how to handle that. He sent me a recording of his voice because I said i wanted to hear what he sounded like (then we had a whole conversation via voice recordings) like.. hes a goof and he seems like a good guy but idk man. I've never experienced this before so I dont trust any of it.

Hes a sweetheart with a dirty mind so Idk how to handle this all or if im being too trusting or not trusting enough. (I dont truly trust people very easily, at all.)

My life suddenly feels like a movie where I'm finally figuring stuff out and now theres a man here to throw a wrench into everything and make my brain go mushy..

I've noticed recently that I find myself more cute and attractive and I dont want that feeling to be just because some man claims to find me attractive, I want it to be because I am happy with myself. And like, I know its silly but I have this belief that you get into a relationship when you are headed in the correct direction for your life/destiny/whatever you are meant for in life. Like, you meet your person once you are either IN or headed toward your purpose, whatever that is. Idk.. idk how to explain it, its just a silly thing that I kind of believe. Especially when I look at my friends who are married or engaged. Idk.

So yeah.. all that said.. Basically I have relationship fever (best way I can think to explain the feeling). We talk everyday but I still want to be able to talk to him without thinking Im coming across as clingy or annoying. I want him to be my boyfriend so I can "bug" him without feeling like im "bugging" him... but i mean, with the way I overthink things we could be at the altar on our wedding day and I'd be like "Are you sure? I know you asked but, are you sure youre sure??"

Also idk why but yesterday at the JoBros concert I thought of him during "Lovebug" and "Year 3000"-- okay i think Lovebug was because I legit heard his voice for the first time the day before (not a phone call but still his voice) and Year 3000 because we talked about Meet the Robinsons 1x so obviously he is linked to anything Meet the Robinsons related in my brain because that makes perfect sense..

Why am I like this? Why cant I be normal and not overthink everything that happens in my life?? I've listened to his voice recordings a few times because I want to see/hear him in person because Im insane and he should run away as fast as he can.. the first time I heard his voice it wasnt at all what I was expecting and I got chills all over my body, not the usual shivers up the spine, my whole body. It felt weird but good. I thought he sounded weird at first but by the next morning when I replayed the clips my brain was like "That is the most attractive voice ever" idk how that works.. I just want it to be March so we can meet up in person and see what happens/where it goes if we do.. part of me imagines he will knock on my door and we will hug and go get food at Disney Springs, part of me knows the more likely scenario is that if we meet I will be super awkward and just stare at him and be quiet and awkward and hyper aware of my body size, and another part of me thinks we wont ever make it beyond messaging. He'll get to florida amd see just how many pretty, single women compared to single men there are and he wont care for me anymore and We'll never actually meet.

Idk how to life.

The first time in my life a guy I find attractive tells me he's attracted to me too so I dont trust him because no one else has ever done that before.