#is this how laura lee felt thinking that the crash was her fault

[elizabeth-mitchells]

god it just hit me that i made that post about lottienat as griddlehark before finding out nat dies in the show...

[misty-caligula]

To preface this, I’m going to be talking about growing up in a really generalised way, it’s not meant to be read as a critique of people or as prescriptivist. It’s just an overall framework, from my own point of view.

I think that growing up, graduating from childhood into adulthood, has less to do with age and more to do with personal experience. Because when it comes down to it I think that what’s most critical in the difference between an adult and an adolescent is that adults tend to put a lot more thought into our decision making process.

That’s NOT to say “Oh dumb teenagers don’t think about stuff.” Instead, I mean that those of us with more life experience have more experience of failure. Tend to be more aware of what failure means, in practical, real world terms. We’ve seen and felt and had to find solutions to the consequences of our actions, and through doing so we’ve learned not only how to mitigate those consequences, but also ... which decisions we absolutely do not want to repeat. We more appreciate and value the experience of peace and calm and stability because we’ve had our fill of chaos and the discomfort and pain that comes with it. And so when we make any kind of life choice we’re more likely to really think it through based on what consequences we can REALLY tollerate dealing with, what risks we can REALLY accept. And we learned that by ... fucking around and finding out.

The yellowjacket teens are really showing that process in full swing, and I think it’s such a big part of what I love about it.

Shauna, pre-crash, had unprotected sex with Jeff. She knew, logically, that there was a chance that this could lead to pregnancy. But it was a very ... theoretical, vague kind of knowledge. In the same way that you know, in theory, that if you don’t wear a seatbelt you might die in a crash. It was a bad decision on her part (no judgement but it was) which could’ve been easily mitigated, if only the reality of the consequences were more clear to her. Post-stillbirth Shauna is going to be radically different. To her the consequences are VERY clear, very real, very personal. If she were transported back to that night with Jeff she’d not have done it, even if she didn’t know for SURE what was going to happen, where they’d end up. She’d just have a deeper conception of what consequences REALLY look like, in practice. What a choice that you cannot take back really feels like.

Misty smashed the flight recorder, potentially dooming the entire team. Whether or not that’s why they’re not being rescued is irrelevant, it’s what she believes. She did it on the first day, in a very emotionally fragile and intense situation. This was a TERRIBLE fucking choice, but ... she didn’t think it through. She couldn’t have, fundamentally, understood what she was doing. Because the consequences again were so theoretical, so vague. And because she was running on a high of perceived competency, she was sure that she’d help them all out, be a hero. She might well have thought that she was just delaying rescue, that at some point they’d work it out and she’d just be a big hero. The true consequences of her action only begin to really hit months afterwards. When Laura Lee died, when Jackie did too, then Crystal and now the baby... Misty knows it’s all her fault. And the blood is literally on her hands. Things are only going to get worse from here, and this Misty, this 9 months older version, covered in blood and full of guilt, wouldn’t have smashed the box. Given the choice she’d have gone back and undone it. But she can’t. Sometimes we make choices that have HORRIFIC consequences, and then all we can do is survive them, and hopefully learn from them. That’s what growth IS. We learn from mistakes, but that doesn’t mean that those mistakes are any less disastrous.

I think this is fundamentally what the yellowjacket adults are missing. Their refusal to acknowledge and process their past - and the decisions they made and the consequences that came of them - robs them of the capacity to learn from those choices. They’re stunted in their growth, frozen in place. For all their extra years in so many ways they still haven’t grown up. Instead they’ve all built coping mechanisms to hold their trauma and pain so they can pretend to function as well as possible and hide the fact that they’re all so ... stuck.

And a large part of that really comes down, I feel, to guilt. They’re making a fundamental mistake where they’re judging the actions of their younger selves by their current realities. Shauna cannot realistically relate to pre-crash Shauna anymore, and cannot understand - or forgive - herself for her irresponsibility. Misty is so full of self-hatred and guilt, blames herself for everything, she can’t possibly look at that tiny version of herself with compassion and understanding and say “You fucked up so bad, but I won’t because you did.” They’re putting the consequences of their choices before the decision making which is a really common error people have when they regret things. They make a choice that goes badly, then they regret the choice because of what happened afterwards. But if it had worked out - even if it was STILL a bad choice - they wouldn’t regret it. And they can’t acknowledge or appreciate that error because they’re not processing or analyzing their choices properly, which is keeping them stranded in time.

As an adult it is SO hard to look back at a younger you with compassion and care, to say “Oh, look at you screwing up, don’t worry you’ll learn not to be so hurt. You’ll learn how to find your stride.” And I say that having NOT actually gotten lots of people killed or eaten my friends in the wilderness. I’m not exactly proud of many of the choices I made, but I can only imagine how much harder it’d be with their level of guilt and trauma, to say “It’s okay, I was a kid, what’s done is done and all I can do is do better.”

[darkconsumed]

@silencedrage (lottie) gets a semi-plotted thing!!

Going home would have been expected, maybe she might still do that. But there was something more important she had to do. Something she had been thinking about doing ever since the first letter found its way into her inbox. It was rare for her to get a letter that wasn't from her family, but when she got the letter from someone she had only thought of for years, it stirred something up inside. Charlotte Matthews had always done that though, had always left her with a warm fuzzy feeling. One that she had questioned for so long until the puzzle pieces fell into place and she figured things out.

Letters were written and sent and received for several months. Mail time quickly became her favorite time of day and something she looked forward to. It even got to the point that she would feel disappointed if she hadn't seen the other woman's handwriting which aided in some repressed guilt. But it was ignored and she waited for the next day in hopes she'd get a letter from her best friend. Because it didn't matter how many years went by, Lottie was still her one and only best friend.

The fact she still thought and felt that way about the woman ( among something that ran deeper than just friendship ) it ignited a new sort of guilt. Knowing that she had spent the last couple years locked away and seemingly forgotten about in a different country, it didn't sit right with Laura Lee. She was ashamed and disappointed in herself for never looking for the other woman, trying to figure out where she was even if she had legitimate reasons for moving on with her life. That was going to change, however, as she saw to it that her leave would be spent sitting on a plane for several hours.

It was worth it though, the mild panic that settled into her bones that no one would fault her for feeling. The girl that survived not one but two plane crashes. Exposure therapy could only do so much and she knew that her fear was rational, that the dull ache in her shoulder where the hot metal of the plane door seared itself into her skin was just a phantom pain. She just had to remind herself of the goal and why she was doing this, why she was putting herself through something like this. All for a woman.

When she landed, Laura Lee was relieved and was soon left with a buzzing excitement. One that rattled her frame and left her smiling to the point that her cheeks began to ache, but she didn't mind it. She did, however, mind entering the hospital and following the orderly down the long hall, her hands resting at her sides. The closer they got, the more that excitement began to turn into nervousness in the pit of her stomach. Doubting thoughts swirling in her mind; will she remember me, will she recognize me, will she hate me for not coming sooner.

Deep down she knew that if Charlotte Matthews hated her, she wouldn't have written her, wouldn't have reached out, but still. That fear resided there inside her chest until eyes finally did come to rest upon the taller woman. Seeing her after so long, it was like time slowed down and gave way to just them in that room. She could feel warm salt prickling her eyes and she did nothing to hide it or stop the tears from forming.

Though she wished she would have been able to find something to say to her, but she simply stood there, blue hues briming with tears and a small smile.