#is the implied joffrey getting coned and foot pop kiss equally important? yes

[hilarychuff]

princess diaries in my asoiaf au graphic series

When they come at him with the scissors, eyes on the hair he’s sloppily thrown into a bun using one of his mother’s loose hair ties, it finally starts to sink in that they’re serious. They want him — him, Jon Snow, an absolute high school nobody — to be the prince of Valyria, some far away European country he isn’t even positive he’s ever heard of before. He’d known his dad was some sort of politician over on that side of the world, maybe in France or something, but his mom had always been fuzzy on the details. Had she ever actually told him that he was a politician? That he lived in France? Or had he just assumed?

It doesn’t matter, though. His dad has always just been some loser who knocked up Jon’s mom despite the fact that he already had a wife and two kids. Other than the yearly tuition check he sends for Jon’s private school education, they have exactly no contact. Except, as it turns out, he’s not a loser. He’s a prince. Well, was a prince up until a few years ago. It seems Valyria’s royal family had undergone some turmoil after Rhaegar Targaryen, heir to the throne, was outted by the Sunspear tabloids for a series of affairs throughout his marriage to Princess Elia of Dorne. The king, Rhaegar’s father, had called the accusations libel and an act of war — and the ensuing political fallout had only been settled with the agreement that Rhaegar would abdicate his right to the throne, that the Martells would give up their own claims through Elia’s teenage son and daughter.

The matter had been settled, and Rhaegar’s younger brother Viserys was set to rule when King Aerys passed. In the wake of the royal’s actual death, however, Viserys’s reign was short lived, lasting only two weeks before he, too, had abdicated, citing instead his younger sister’s worthiness of the throne, her inherent talent and instincts for leading. The only issue with Queen Daenerys’s rule is that after having married, miscarried, and been widowed young, she’s been open about her infertility. The dragon queen, as they call her, can’t have an heir — and that is what brings her to Jon’s door. After Rhaegar’s abdication, the tension with Dorne, the whispers that she had blackmailed Viserys or used even more nefarious threats to secure the throne, stability is necessary. Valyria needs to know there will not be another succession crisis so soon, and so Daenerys has flown stateside to meet her older brother’s long lost son, a bastard child and candidate for future king nonetheless. 

Jon hadn’t believed it at first, sure it was some prank Arya had put together. He’d laughed in his alleged aunt’s face, then breathlessly told her to shut up when it sank in that she was serious (and the expression she’d donned in response had him suddenly understanding the dragon queen moniker). In the weeks since, though, as they taught him history and etiquette and what tiny spoon to use when so that he wouldn’t bring further shame to the Targaryen name when she presented him to the public, her judgment seems to have softened. Only now, as they finally finish making him presentable, his long hair trimmed into a set of tidy curls, the mustache and goatee he’s been working on for months shaved away, does she look at him with something close to pride. 

Arya, on the other hand, looks at him with disgust when she sees him before school Monday morning. They’ve always been outcasts together, after all, shunned by the popular crew for preferring metal music to pop, tattered black band tees to polo shirts with upturned collars. That he is suddenly conforming marks him as a sell out, a traitor, a bad friend, a wannabe, shallow — and she keeps up the onslaught for the entirety of their limo ride to school (though that’s one upgrade she certainly doesn’t seem to mind). She only stops when he pulls her aside, just the two of them, and finally spills the beans. 

Arya promises to keep his secret, but it only takes one day for someone else to leak the news to the press. By Tuesday, he’s greeted with camera flashes and a crowd, reporters demanding to know what he thinks of the Targaryens, of his father, if he’s met his siblings, if he’s used his new royal status to secure a date for Saturday night. And, the thing is, there is someone he sort of has plans with for Saturday. 

Just that morning, Sansa had walked to school by his side, invited him to come to her uncle Benjen’s car shop that weekend to finish up the work on the mustang he’d been saving for for years. She’d promised to order a pizza and M&Ms on her tab, teasing she could charge it to the company card thanks to the few hours she put in each week at the front desk, and at no point during Daenerys’s prince lessons had he felt as truly worthy of a crown as he did in that moment. 

And yet as he suddenly finds himself thrust into the spotlight, everyone’s attention on him, she disappears. All of Robb’s friends who’d turned their nose up at him before are pretending they’ve always been tight, Joffrey Baratheon is bragging to tabloid journalists that they go way back (without mentioning any of their literal fistfights), and Margaery Tyrell is suddenly flirting with him in class, but Sansa is ducking out of rooms when he enters them, offering only tight smiles and short waves on the rare occasions he does manage to catch her eye. She’s all but giving him the silent treatment... so when Margaery invites him to the big beach party that weekend as her date, he figures fuck it. Why not. 

Only the party ends in disaster, his very existence proves the Sunspear tabloids weren’t printing libel, and Dorne’s royal family are arguing that his half-siblings Rhaenys and Aegon should be added back to the line of succession before him. And, worse, Arya is pissed at him — both because he completely forgot he’d agreed to appear on her talk show and because he apparently broke Sansa’s heart when he stood her up Saturday night. He’s let everyone down: his aunt, his best friend, two siblings he hasn’t even met... and as infuriating as it is that Sansa ignored him and simultaneously expected him to realize they still had plans, the thought of her spending all night waiting for him makes him want to throw himself in some Valyrian dungeon for the next 60 years. He deserves it. 

But he’s going to fix it. He’s going to fix all of it. Or, actually, maybe he’ll just run away. He hasn’t decided yet, but with the Annual Valyrian Ball just around the corner — set to mark Jon’s official entry into Valyrian high society — the clock is ticking. 

ft. jon as mia, arya as lily, sansa as michael, the starks as the moscovitz family, ghost as fat louie, joffrey as lana, margaery as josh, lyanna as helen, daenerys as clarisse, drogon as rommel, rhaegar as phillippe, tormund as lars, sam as tina hakeem baba, arthur dayne as mr. gianini