#is not good to have on your period. again truly genuinely based on completely nothing

[ttaibhse]

ive decided that hot coffee is ok for me to have while menstruating as long as i only have one but cold coffee is not ok. why do i genuienly have the same mental logic as like a victorian asylum warder who believes in wandering wombs

[bloodypapercut]

f.w. headcanons (part ii)

here it is! you’re all too kind to me so i truly hope you enjoy! <3 (I apologize if this headcanon is a bit redundant)

word count: 2.1k

@somekidinacoma

(if you’d like to be tagged just ask, i’d be more then happy to!)

-he talks about you so much, molly and arthur practically know everything about you. as for the other weasleys you all get along and they make you feel like you’re part of the family

-he’s so excited to show you everything around the house, like his room, the backyard, the small fort all his siblings made together in the woods, the treehouse, and all the little trinkets that litter every available space. he’s practically shaking when he meets you at the train station because he can’t contain his emotions

-he can’t wait for the people he loves the most to be together. the thought of you, his siblings and his parents in the same household just excite him so much and fills him with joy 

-when you arrive molly has already made all of your favorites because she knew from all of fred's letters about you and arthur is already asking about how your ride was and if you saw anything interesting (his letters are mostly about you, they only contain 2 sentences about him)

-you get along with molly and arthur very well, they treat you with so much kindness and love. molly lets you cook with her and she shows you old photos of fred. you and arthur have conversations about muggle things he finds interesting and about all the fun experiences you’ve had while art hogwarts

-when fred leads you to his room he shows you his first inventions that he made with george many years ago, seeing his eyes fill with pride is one of your favourite sights 

-his side of the room is covered with pictures of you and him, letters and doodles from you and it’s so cute “george says it’s creepy like it’s some sort of shrine.” “i wouldn’t expect any less from you.”

-he lets you rummage through the old clothes that are too small for him and keep them. they still smell like him, a mixture of cinnamon, ash, pine, and orange

-sneaking down to the kitchen while everyone sleeps and eating cake outside

-baking 4am cookies with fred, trying your hardest not to laugh and make a lot of noise, but it just ends up with the two of you feeding each other the cookie dough then getting stomach aches the next morning 

-throwing popcorn at him, him diving to try and catch it, probably leading to his head banging against a table (pouty fred trying to ignore you but ultimately failing when you kiss him all over his face)

-sitting around a fire with his entire family as they all laugh and tell stories, his arm around your shoulders and your head leaning against his

-water chugging competitions, you always win

-staring competitions, he’ll always pull odd faces in an attempt to get you to crack or tickle you with strands of your hair

-stargazing in his old treehouse, holding hands and falling asleep in that position. (imagine fairy lights everywhere, there's a record player in the corner playing si tu n’etais pas la, you’re both under a blanket and you’re tracing words onto his palm making him guess what your message is) 

-he comes up from behind you and drapes a blanket over your shoulders while hugging you and talking into your hair, his speech being muffled

-refusing him kisses before class if he’s the reason you’re late, to which he’ll reply by lightly pulling your hair when you try and walk away from him. he doesn’t show any signs of relenting so you quickly turn around and kiss him hard while gripping on his collar, but as soon as he tries to deepen it you turn and rush through the classroom door quickly

-while walking down a corridor together he’ll twirl you around

-sometimes he’ll just hold you up because he wants to admire you. or he’ll prop you on a desk or dresser just so you’re face to face, so he can look at every feature on your face 

-i cannot stress enough how warm his hugs are, they completely engulf you and all you can smell is his jumper and you can feel his heartbeat, his hands gripping at the ends of your sweater then slowly running up and down your back in your jumper and he’ll nudge your leg with his knee as an indicator for you to step into him so there's practically no space between the two of you

-slow dancing, he’ll hold you tightly to his chest with his arms wrapped around your waist and your head will be on his shoulder while you play with the strands of hair at the base of his neck. you’ll have hushed conversations about what you want to do in the future, all the places you wanna travel to together, and all the domestic things you can’t wait to do together (while the catfish and the bottlemen cover of read my mind plays in the back)

-pretending to have mini-concerts in his dorm, using random objects as microphones, screaming, jumping around on every surface that will allow it (in my mind fred dances like jarvis cocker)

-if you’re both singing he’ll claim that you’re outshining him so he’ll try and cover your mouth, which leads to you covering his mouth, which ends with him just him licking your hand and you rubbing it off on him “you did not.” “yes, and i’ll do it again.” he’ll take off running, causing you to chase him

-the two of you sitting next to each other while listening to music and you’ll start to head bop, then he’ll start to head bop together in unison

- during lessons he’ll slip little sweets into your hand

-he’ll nudge your ribs while you’re trying to pay attention to class and whispers to you “i’m so in love with you darling.” to which you’ll just grin and hold his hand under the table, tracing shapes onto the back of it

-he definitely throws things at you randomly, at any given location, nothing that would hurt you obviously

-sometimes he’ll just stop mid-sentence and look at you in awe, his mouth slightly agape and eyes wide. his smile is so bright and genuine, his dimples are so prominent and his eyes crinkle and it’s so contagious, you can’t help but hold his face and kiss his forehead lightly

-he admires you so so much, you motivate him to work as hard as he can because one day he hopes that his business will be enough to sustain a life that he wants to give you, he wants to give you the world and he wants to encourage you to follow your dreams as much as you do for him

-very specific compliments “your earlobes are a really nice shape” “i really like the space between your eyebrows” “ahh your nose is just so cute i just wanna poke it all day”

-he gave you a locket and it has a picture of you and him on your first hogwarts train ride together. and whenever he gets the chance he’ll put it on for you, he loves sweeping your hair out of the way and softly putting the necklace around your neck

-matching rings 

-fred definitely knows how to make bracelets and rings, i feel like he’d always make them for ginny and molly on holidays. he’d make you so many, and on your birthday he gave you a really ornate silver jewelry box

-he loves brushing your hair 

-whenever you’re staying up whether it be studying or writing an essay he will not allow himself to sleep until you’re done, he says people who suffer together stay together. he’ll also try to shovel food in your mouth and make you drink water or tea to assure sure you’re not depriving yourself. in return, you stay up with him while he’s trying to perfect the products he wants to sell. you’ll sit side by side bumping knees and rubbing his back while he scribbles into his notebook

-sometimes he’ll ask for you to lean your back against his because he still wants to be able to work and be around you, but he gets distracted by your face because he just wants to kiss you every time he sees your eyebrows furrow as you reread a paragraph, or your tongue dart out of your mouth, or a tendril of hair slip from your ponytail and onto your face

-he’s not one to be very hard on himself about attendance, but if you are he’ll wake you up and remind you that you have a test to get to, or you have to attend practice. he’ll help you get ready but as soon as he drops you off he’ll go back to sleep or go to the kitchens to get food for you and him for after your class or practice 

-he’s so good at comforting people, he takes it after molly. it may seem at times that he’s insensitive due to his playful nature, but if he sees that you’re frantically flipping through pages, nibbling at the end of your pen he will hold your face tenderly between his hands and reassure you in a soft and sincere voice “why’re you being so hard on yourself? can’t you see how hard you’re working and how accomplished you are?” “take a rest, beautiful, you deserve it.” “i’m so proud of you, you have no idea how much you push me to work harder.” “you’ve got a stunning mind, but i think you should give it a break okay?” “you’re so resilient, angel, you can do this okay? i’m right here.”

-if you have a headache he’ll massage your head. if any part of your body hurts he’ll try and soothe it. he’ll pause occasionally to kiss whatever part is in pain

-(for any female, male  or non-binary angels that get their period)he’ll keep his hands over where you’re cramping and he’ll let you curl around him. he even bought you a huge body pillow because he’d want you to use it when he couldn’t be with you. he’ll feed you whatever you crave and he’ll read to you or sing quietly to you (fred with an acoustic ahhh). he’ll constantly reassure you, saying that you only have a couple more days left, and if the pain is really bad he’ll try and soothe you to sleep. fred also keeps track of your period, he’s surprisingly really really good with dates 

-he likes humming you to sleep while he pushes the hair out of your face, rubs your back, and kisses your forehead lightly

-if you’re about to do something you’re really nervous about he’ll look you in the eyes, grab both of your hands and encase them in has after leaving kisses on them. then he’ll place them on his chest and give you a reassuring grin

-when he gets hurt from quidditch you stay next to him the entire time he’s in the hospital wing, the two of you playing cards or helping him plan a future prank

-he holds your chin between his thumb and index finger and kisses you softly. you two have to stop occasionally because one of you will giggle, causing you to nudge your noses together

-he’ll wake up randomly in the middle of the night and nudge you until you stir “go to sleep fred.” “nooo let’s talk, i wanna have a conversation.” “can’t we talk tomorrow, it’s your fault i’m so tired.” “but love, all these thoughts, amazing beautiful one of a kind thoughts are ripe in my mind now, if we talk tomorrow i won’t remember.” “isn’t that a relief?” “c’monnnnnn.”

-a lot of back and forth bickering “wow, i’m speechless.” “finally.” “shut up freddie.” “look who’s talking.” “you are.” “no you are.” “no now you are.” “you. are.” “shut up.” “we’re back at square one i see.”

-the two of you reeling over in laughter, tears slipping down your cheeks and gasping for air (all. the. time.)

-during the train ride to hogwarts he leans against the wall of the cabin while you lean on his chest, then you’ll take everyone's jackets and use them as blankets and pillows. you’ll cuddle, eat random sweets, and nap throughout the entire ride

-he constantly takes pictures of you and he has an entire box filled of them, the box also has tickets from shows you went to together, receipts from random dates you’ve been on and little notes you’ve passed during class. he plans to keep all of these to decorate the flat he hopes he can live in with you

-he will randomly run into your room, drop a bag and rush out as quickly as he came. usually there are your favorite sweets, socks, candles and a new book. in return you try and spoil him as much as spoils you because he deserves the world 

[icecreamkink]

watched all of the untamed / cql in two weeks after my friend 1 told me abt mdzs a hundred years ago and my friends 2 and 3 tried to get me into cql for like two whole years and there are.

feelings.

very first scene is a very dramatic death in the middle of nightmare battle on sith planet land . i will forget abt it in the next tenish episodes and then will be very surprised when it becomes Extremely Painful

anyway magic flying gays and possession and human sacrifice! we are off to a great start

in retrospect, chaos goblin wei wuxian must have had a blast pretending to be so cRaZy and be as disruptive as he could as mo xuanyu lbr

listen. why is fire always evil coded. cant a magic clan wear red, black and orange and have flame motif while being wholesome?

For Legal Reasons These Are Not Zombies

i wish the politics of the sect were a bit clearer, especially at the beggining when the wen clan had sm power, was wen ruohan the chief cultivator? is that why they were so slow in responding to the attacks? im v confused by the pre yiling patriarch politics

fighting in the roof by the moonlight as way of flirtiiiiiiing. as i understand this is a wuxia/xianxia trope and honestly...... thank u for ur service

slight bullying and being a nuisance in general, as a way of flirting we love to see it

wwx: if i drink on the rooftop, thats not inside the cloud recesses! hmmm check and mate :D lwj: i will fuck u up so help me god   wwx: :0

i lov them

through hell or high water (quite literally) wei wuxian rem ains a trashfire gremlin till the end and i love him with my whole heart

in the pt subs wei wuxian calls jiang cheng a stubborn duck and i dearly wish that had come back

my opinions on almost every character goes from love to hate u - Hmm Me Like U - BABY. ILY. and i am Very Pleased w that. its been a while since i loved such a complete cast so much i think

no really. i WONT go into a detailed rant abt what i love about each of these characters and each of their relationships to each other. but i COULD. 

some lan disciples in the loudest whisper ever: YEAH THATS THE JIN BASTARD MENG YAO HEARD THE GOT SUPER HUMILIATED BY HIS DAD LOL SURE HOPE HE DOESNT TAKE SLIGHTS TO HIS CHARACTER TO HEART

lan xichen, immediately: i must Love him 

being into problematic ppl is in the Lan genetics, we come to realize

wen qing deserves so many awards for so many things but not snapping and just stabbing wen chao is at the top 

that scene at lan qirens class where wwx talks about using resentful energy to fight a violent spirit. exquisite.

 It establishes Good Student lan wangji, wei wuxian as curious and questioning and not afraid of taboo,  lwj sees that wwx is not, in fact, a dumb ass hes just a Dumbass,  shows us the audience (esp. a western audience) how shocking the idea of disrupting the dead/dying and controlling resentful energy actually is,  the theoretical foreshadow arguing, everyone else like ‘shUT UP’,  “and how could you ensure that the resentful energy would obey you and not hurt other?” “well i havent thought that far” and of course, lan qiren just straight up lobbing a hard object at wwx head,. chefs kiss

fellas is it gay to bother the hot rule obessessed nerd from ur school and make drawings of him with flowers in his hair and then hide gay porn in his book to antagonize him and ask him to hold ur hand and be ur friend and talk to him all the time and get him drunk and give him bunnies bc you know he likes them and give him a lantern and always want his attention and dedicate yourself to getting him to smile-

and after all of that wwx rly said oh i Admire him, aksd like yeah we all were there in high school buddy

i have Learned. caves = gay.

 accidental marriage +beint physically tied together with the sacred married ribbon+ gay panic+foreshadowing+bunnies! in the cave (1)

the story abt lan yi and baoshan sanren tho. i would like to see it

early days wen bros pull my heart strings like a guqin 

EVERYTHING about the lantern scene; disaster hets jiang yanli and jin zixuan; how wwx made lwj a bunny lantern. how soft and touched lwj was. wwx gleefully pointing out he was smiling and lwj IMMEDIATELY PULLING HIW SWORD ON HIM LMAO. tragically foreshadowy promises to do right by pepople, living without regrets. lwjs 'oh no do i love him??' face. just. all of it. 

i have it on good acc that in the novel lwj is explicitly Repressed Gay Panicked Big Horny which is delightful and rly Adds to the performance

 baby lwj is really just conceal dont feel dont let them know u have EMOTIONS (derogatory)

jiang cheng rly went "why dont.u go play with HIM if u like him so much"

jc and wwx have big BIG annoying sibling energy dont think too hard abt it or youll cry

lotus pier is soo pretty :((((((((((((((((

up until episode 13 you could think this could be a magical ancient chinese gays pride n prejudice w swords and shenanigans ................youre just not prepared for the game of thrones of it all

seriously ha ha ha i cried so much w this show my eyes genuinely swelled up . like. physically. fun timez fun timez

that being said, its hilarious that wen xu goes to cloud recesses like 'come out or ill kill all these hostages' and then DOESNT WAIT FOR AN ASWER AND KILLS THEM ALL IMMEDIATELY. do u know how blackmail works sir

 would like to make it recorded that from day one i was like 'CALL A GODDAMN CULTIVATION G20 THIS ASSHOLE SECT IS LITERALLY MASSACRING YALL!!' and it took them like 3 or 4 massacres to do anything and they STILL sent their heirs into their territory  LIKE

when wwx cites the gusu lan rules to wen chao tho. that rebel/attention whore/cutie pie 'look lan zhan i DID memorize the rules after all' ‘also a big fuck you to the wen sect :D :D’ sweet spot that scene achieves . delicious

all the cultivator young masters being petty af even though they are practically prisoners at the cave is hilarious and i love them

hurt and comfort + gay mistunderstandings + watsonian gay declaration music + accidental evil acquisition! at the cave (2)

its like where do i start? the fact theyre both trapped and kind of heavily injured inside an isolated cave with a murder turtle? wwx gay panicking lwj into coughing up bad blood? lwj being jealous as wwx babbles abt mianmian? telling him he shouldnt play with people and wwx saying he never played him? wwx going Oh. I See what is happening. YOU like mianmian, and lwj absolute done face ??? (iconic) wwx touching the sacred married ribbon Again? the telepathic communication? the sword? WEI WUXIAN ASKING LAN WANGJI TO SING TO HIM AS HE IS PASSING OUT AND LWJ SINGING HIM. THE SONG. HE WROTE. FOR WWX. AND THAT HE CALLED. THEIR SHIP NAME????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

they are SO insufferable pleeeeease

in the words of my friend 1 : “CQL is so gay we were all amazed how it got past the censors Ofc unfortunately it can't be novel level gay But they did their best And we love them for it”

in the theme of songs THIS OST. WUJI HAS BEEN LIVING IN MY MIND RENT FREE SINCE I FIRST HEARD IT the whole ost is so so sO beautiful.

 the costuming in this is also soooo exquisite. the embroidery? the fabrics? the details? how every sect and clan has a distinct style and architecture? (also ik they based each off of dif periods in chinese history which is REALLY fucking cool) just chefs kiss

the direction too!. i enjoy the unusual camera movements and i think they give it that Vibe, also their composition is PARTICULARLY good when it comes to telling the subtext through position of camera/position of character (like nhs off to the side in scenes he at first glance doesnt need to be/ how lwj is often centered when hes Jealous Yearning at wwx being affectionate w other ppl, wwx return from burial mounds etc)

ik madam yu is like Badass Milf Check and shes not getting any mom of the year awards but im delighted at how messy she is. IMAGINE that woman on tiktok

you better have enjoyed gay cave (2) bc its Just Pain from here on out! 

jiang fengmian and madame yu win the Most Dramatic Way to show they do care about each other, actually ..... ever :)

i thought jiang yanli jiang cheng and wei wuxian forcing themselves to escape yunmeng barely holding on after their parents are killed was going to be the height of pain in this show. ha. 

the family dynamics in general on this showwwww, both blood/ adopted/ found families, brotherly bonds and lifelong friendships just. rly. truly. fucked me up. theyre all so important and complicated and well rounded and beautiful and tragic

and beyond being a Win For the Gays im so glad the relationships w wwx and jiang yanli/ wen qing were NOT changed from platonic bc they are so much better like that imo. like maybe if we didnt Live In A Society it wouldnt be so, but the fact wwx and others can love and value them so much and theres nothing romantic or sexual abt it is like. so refreshing. especially @ jyl, with the way he and jc are overprotective of her and shes such a nurturing/care taker figure for them, it would just not vibe as well if they made it romantic

i love that this is a story abt Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Patriarch aka Actual Satan/Boogey Man/Village With/Public Enemy Number One , my dude is literally a necromancer who only dresses in black and has evil smokey black tendrils wafting out of him, but the really edgy one is still jiang cheng, pastel purple fashion icon

and speaking of best/worst siblings wei wuxian and jiang cheng *immediately starts crying* 

The Golden Core Transfer i just. no thots only tears 

wen qing and wen ning putting themselves in so much danger just.... to help them. wn saving jc from wen chao. wq finding a way to get wwx to transfer his core. like thinking about the monumental work these two did to help wwx and jyl and jc... jyl trying so fucking hard to be strong and keep on moving and giver her little brothers comfort after losing everything... jiang cheng. losing his parents and his home and his ability to do anything abt it and his complete desperation and lack of self worth and turning on them with agression  when he didnt realize all that they did for him ... hhhhhhhhhhhhh

me, pointing at the whole cast “i just LOVE them mom!!!”

its sad tho, that BARELY ANY of the women have like.... actual important conversations let alone relationships with each other at all in the story. and like wq and jyl have stayed at the same place for extended periods of time, where wq actively took care of her TWICE,  and still! not one measly convo, nothing! ................ .𝓌ₕᵧ

everyone in this show need a good sip of Self Worth and Stop Sacrificing Yourself juice 

ngl the sword flying looks very dumb 

“a-cheng, please bring a-xian back.” “i will, i promise.” ;-;

the whole calling each other by the More Intimate Version of the name, first as teasing and later as true intimacy. mmmhmmm yes

untamed where everythings the same but wwx evil flute song is eoeo

related that scene when wwx comes back from the burial mounds for the first time w demonic cultivation and he acts all formal and calls lwj hanguang-jun and keeps being evasive and distant and mean and soooooo................. facetious 

and how hes kind of desperately trying to keep intense lwj at bay (A FIRST) and avoiding actually talking to either of them and its all tension ughhh and then he MOCKS his and lwjs relationship, he jokes w him in this like... mean echo of their usual ~banter~ oof 

 and like!!! uncertain but so relieved jc who just HUGS him w no reservations for once and its not like he isnt just as worried as lwj abt wwx and what hes doing, but he chooses in that moment to enjoy getting him back first and mmhmMMMmMm yes (maybe my favorite scene in the whole show? MAYBE SO. ) 

highkey hurt me but also. i might be into mean wwx. i will take no criticism.

lan zhans sad eyes tho :((((((((( 

on one hand i wish we could have seen what happened at the burial mounds but on the other the timeskip adds so much flair to his return so im hnnn

also i love that hes been missing for 3 months reappears kinda melancholic and bloodthirsty and knowing malign tricks and jc is like 'so. are u sad bc of lan wangji'

when ur bae survived the war but he thinks ur evil/ might be evil so you cant kiss :///

hmmm talking at the rooftop under the moonlight not mentioning everything that stands between usssss

they are the two jades of lan and we’ll be the two heroes of yunmeng is the type of line u dont even need to know whats gonna happen to know thats gonna be sad

when they fight wen ruoshan at the nightless city i thought that was the battle we see at the first ep and its not and its so easy and theyre all like ‘yayy we won go wwx!’ i was just. SCREAMS WHAT is gonna HAPPEN

so like. post burial mounds/sunshot campaign pre yiling patriarch wwx is like. ultra arrogant, ultra mocking, peak lil shit and it gave me e v e r y t h i n g i wanted

even tho having the wen prisoners at the targets at phoenix mountain and still having wwx and jzx shooting the arrows was???? so.... tone deaf 

wwx: fucking w demonic energy   jyl: he has never done anything wrong in his life, ever <3 <3 (mood)

the parallels between meng yao/wei wuxian (and even xue yang a bit?) are Seen and they are Valid

wwx post burial mounds: can yall SHUT UP abt the goddamn sword (suibian left the chat)

LIKE truly, we talk abt the angst and yearning with wangxian. but what abt wwx and suibian. xianbian / xianqing angst and comfort 100k

take a shot everytime someone coughs up blood

zidian is simply the coolest spiritual weapon rip to suibian and chenqing and bichen and sendou and baixa........ but tis the truth 

cons: everyones families died in a nightmare war! everyones homes burned to the ground! everyone is traumatized! pros: everyone gets cooler clothes and weapons!!

wen ning and a-yuan and yanli bestest babes squad dont touch me rn

everyone: brooding and fighting                                                                wq and jyl: why dont you try some acupunture/drinking some soup and calm down huh? how abt that bitch?? 

showing the battle/massacre at the nightless city first was genius actually bc then everytime we have a cute scene w yunmeng bros and theyre like 'we'll be together forever! uwu' youre like oh. oh no. oh no no no. 

justice vs lawfulness vs means and ends 👁

jc: stay in the right path and practice the art of the sword                        wx: yeah thats not gonna happen chief

my reaction to wwx renouncing to the sect politics to help the wens was just that elmo burning gif in succession

the dramatic rain. wen qing desperately calling out to wen ning. the ghosts/puppets killing the guards. how terrifying wn actually was while wwx was controlling him :( lwj goeing after him to try and stop him and then he just; he Sees him and understands him even if he cant actually do anything about it other than let them go. 

“there must be somewhere in this earth we can go to :(((((((((”

"IF I HAVE TO FIGHT THEM, I'D RATHER IT BE YOU. DYING BY YOUR HANDS WOULD AT LEAST BE WORTH IT." oh my god oh my god oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddddd

also lwjs umbrella is white w black smoke.. .  . nice

yiling patriarch / demonic farming burial mounds settlement is like one of my favorite concepts. they an "EVIL" FARMING COMMUNITY LED BY THE VILLAGE WITCH COME ON

they planted TURNIPS and LOTUS FLOWERS and ONE (1) baby and made lanterns and a common hall :(((((((

wen qing and wei wuxian, baddest bitches and genius science best friends i absolutely LOVED to see it. they rly went ‘is anyone gonna sibling/project partner that’ and didnt wait for an answer

both wwx and jyl getting lotus ponds at the burial mounds and in lanling bc they miss lotus pier ;;;;;;;w

;;;;; wish jyl had actually gone into the burial mounds. we were robbed of jyl and wq meeting again and jyl meeting a-yuan and seeing the settlement and the homes and all ;w; at least jc did go, stab wounds and broken arms and all

wwx like... having thrown his whole life away to help the wens (yeah the sect leaders and jin guangshan in particular wanting his stygian tiger amulet was an Element but still) and not.... necessarily regretting it, but grappling with all of the consequences of it... becoming moody and drepressed at times, missing his family and lotus pier and his friends and probably simply missing being around people and causing trouble, extrovert that he is, lashing out at the wens and at a-yuan, just in general the whole messiness of that experience

the way the resentful energy does affect his temperament is rly nice bc its not too in your face,(i mean outside of the Shaky Hands of Rage) but like he clearly has a much lesser control on his anger and impulsivity (tall order) than both before bm and after hes ressurected

on that note A-YUAN BABIEST BABY BOY BEST BOY

lan zhan being like oh hey there wei ying fancy meeting u and our son here. just passing by u know how it is hmmmmMm and then PLOT TWIST having defied orders to go see him and being punished for it. oof;;

 they habent seen each other in like? a year? and now theyre tgt 10 seconds and are already parenting a child together

also lwj rly kneels down in the snow way too much to be healthy

wwx: calm down guyssss i wont lose control of demonic cultivation omgggg  .   spoiler alert: he loses control of demonic cultivation

did u enjoy cute children? good bc now the Real Pain Begins

jiang yanli and jin zixuan rly out there APROPRIATING both disaster gays AND bury ur gays huh ;w;

i KNEW jin lings birthday was gonna fuck something up but the GASP that left my body when wwx lost control of wn and killed jin zixuan .. . . 

im sorry and thank you aaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAaAAAAA 

when wen ning and wen qing were telling wwx their plan i was saying NO NO NO NO NO NO out loud in despair 

also can we talk abt how wq is definetely talking about only the both of them surrending themselves but then? everyone else just surrenders w them? IT MAKES NO SENSE LIKE WHY WOULD THEY what would be the Point

 sometimes there are some pretty gaping jumps in logic and continuity that are just like                     ?          ?

wwx: oh so when you try to murder me its justified but when i survive through dark magic and murder all of you its a "war crime"

unsurprisingly, his most feral, most spiraling moment talking to the sect leaders on the roof and attacking them and even fighting lan zhan is among my favorite scenes... its like, so painful to watch but also   so       thrilling   (and maybe my wen bbs dying arose some resentful energy in me what can i say) 

and its JUST, all they ever wanted was to do good but then... war. and trauma. and hubris. 

jiang cheng on the ground clearly thorn between what to do and feel is a Mood, lets just say

i was already crying when jyl showed up, but if i wasnt-

 i suffered SO MUCH through this series trying to figure out WHY jc would kill wwx. and when i understood. its somehow not as bad as i thought and also MUCH MUCH WORSE

a look into my group chat during the last flashback episodes:

SO ANYWAY. after the BLOOD BATH and RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT and FEEDING IT TO YOU  the untamed goes ‘ayy back to the present!! tu du dud ud du’ 

literally it ends a quarter into an episode and then KEEPS GOING i had to pause and stare blankly at the ceiling for an hour

babie cultivators and detective soulmates . i do need some cute after All of That 

(not that the pain is over LOL)

lwj is significantly less emotionally repressed in the present and its delightful. hes just ALL IN with wwx. and not just in the ‘i would and have killed various men and risked my reputation for you’ but also ‘ur tired here have a drink i brought it up cause i know u like it and it want you to be happy, always’

“when everyone praised me and wanted my power, you were the only one that challenged me. now that everyone hates me and wants me dead, youre the only one that stands by my side.” hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnn 

and just filling in the blanks how lan zhan searched for him. for all of those 16 years he searched for him and was punished for it and raised a-yuan, the only survivor of the burial mounds settlement, as his own in gusu......

and jiang cheng.  being the tough love uncle . having raised the yunmeng jiang clan from the rubble all alone, his whole family dead, some of it on the blame of his own brother, his siblings, his closest friends gone.......and only jin ling there needing his guidance. 

THE PARALLEL BETWEEN JIN LING BEING A LIFELINE FOR JIANG CHENG AND A-YUAN FOR LAN WANGJI AFTER THE BATTLE AT THE NIGHTLESS CITY  

great now i made myself sad

and like . the fact! that lwj and jc dislike each other!!. jc projects blame onto him for wwx both “leaving” him and indirectly causing their families deaths and when hes so consumed by it he makes wwx an enemy, lwj is there now? trying to protect him?? and lwj, who can never understand the pain that wwx , indirectly or not put jc through, but who was right there when jc tried to kill him and will never allow him to hurt wwx again. and how they like. in a way project blame of their tragedies onto each other while dealing with some type of survivor guilt and in their own way still loving wwx through it all???  amd in way its kind of fundamentally selfish but also tragically understandable? and like when u put it against the fact that after he disappears during the sunshot campaign they were looking for him together and fought together??

JUST. THE CHARACTERS. AND THE RELATIONSHIPS IN THIS. MAN. UGH. GOD. 

and like i think thats what makes it so good? its such a sad and painful and violent story, edgy even, but its compelling bc at the center of it there are all of these relationships and different types of love and hope and. :( i love it

enough crying lets talk abt wwx sleeping at the jingshi with lwj and wearing his under garment for a minute 🙏

 jin ling just has that Was Raised by JC energy tho lmao i love him

babie cultivator squad is the perfect ammount of cute and comedic relief while still bearing the weight? of the narrative in a way, both from sizhui and jin lings existences, and also. like. how do i put this. they feel hopeful? they were born after a war, they came of age at a time of relative peace, they dont hold on so closely to the resentments of their parents/father figures, they are specifically shown as more accepting and open minded. and its like.... Hope for the future  

one of the ?? things  i love the most is the fact that the main cast are often in situations where theyre hunted/running but they like. never wear disguises... just going around in their gorgeous expensive clan clothes and hair ornaments and distinctive spiritual weapons.... maybe w a straw hat on, just for kicks

wwx teacher 🥺🥺🥺

so this is why its called Yi City Misery huh

a-qing is such. an icon. im so sad. my girl even knew to leave xys dumb self rotting by the road but no one listens to her thats why theyre all dead or sad 

her and xue yang measuring each other up was so entertaining lmao

 its the funniest thing when hes like. HERES MY SAD STORY. FOR WHY IM A SADISTIC MURDERER. I BROKE MY HAND ONCE. 

like ok someone broke his hand in a horrible way, and like Poverty, i get it but also like.......... that lost the brunt of a proper sob story like, 50 sadistic murders ago bby

and i love that xingchen does not entertain that for a second hes like ‘not ?????? good enough???’ and the best thing is he wasnt even like 'u hadto be the bigger person' or sth but ' well then break that dudes hand back, rip his arm off for i care, what do the rest of us have to do w anything???” 

anjo sensato :(

xue yang is like..... the sexy sadistic evil version of a himbo..... a meanbo...

the fucked upness of xy’s feelings for xxc/ xxc and sl feelings for each other... like my dude literally gave his bf HIS EYES. and xy getting so attached to xxc .... the fucked up fake domesticity.... having him hurt sl..... then desperately trying to bring him back ...................... oof

song lan........... literally had his eyes AND tongue removed, his bfs eyes put in place, was almost killed, turned into a puppet by his bf unknowingly, manipulated by xy, sees his bf killing himself in despair.... and STILL finds the strenght to get up from there, and keep on traveling and helping people and attempting to fix xxcs soul.......... like, my man. damn. 

wangxian looking at songxiao and seeing an Actually more painful parallel for themselves. ft. that Color Coding. 

THE A-YUAN/SIZHUI REVEAL PUNCHED ME IN THE HEART but in a good way for a change

should have know that he would be the Best Boy the cute one w all the braincells

the butterfly AND the bunny lantern. i see how it is

u know is very convenient that no one can see the stark black veins on wen nings neck, ever 

BAT WEN NING 

wns face when lwj comes into wwx room like ‘:0 omg did u two finally get your shit together? good for you master wei good for u’ 

(they didnt) (yet)

DISASTER DRUNK LWJ. JUST. THRUST SOME CHICKENS TO SHOW UR RESSURECTED BAE THAT U LOVE THEM.

i have absolutely no idea WHY they gave lwj the same punishment for fighting his own sect/allies to protect the burial mounds as when they got drunk on cloud recess class days.... like? its such a ... emotional continuity error again

also is lwj gonna get an actual friend besides wwx , ever

mianmian marrying and having a family and a cute life after saying FUCK U AND UR SYSTEM TOO in a much less unhinged and dramatic way than wwx......... fills me w joy

also lol the idea that like. her husband not knowing that shes friends w satan/the boogey man/the village witch is hilarious

i love nie mingjue bc hes the resident Though Guy but also the most dramatic bitch in this show and thats Saying Something

jin ling cant have one uneventful relative can he

the fact that everyone present already knew “mo xuanyu” was wwx at the stairs is so funny, their faces are like ‘oh............ wow. that. sure is a development. shock” 

in the tradition of extremely loud whispers wwx tells lwj with twelve guards standing like one meter away from them: HEY PSH LAN ZHAN PRETEND IM FORCING YOU TO STAY W ME DO IT

oh my god oh my god

the absolute Yearning on his face when he leaves wwx and a-yuan at the burial mounds and refuses to stay for dinner was already Enough but the fact?? they brought it back?? to this declaration of love?? their expressions??????? strike me dead right now just go ahead

lFor Legal Reasons We Cant Kiss but we will have a very sappy declaration of love and trust and look at each other in way that is the actualization of 💞💘💗💖💓💘💞💗💖💘💗💖💕💞

also icb all the sect leaders and guards are standing there watching them say they like like each other with a dozen swords pointing at their neck

i enjoyed the depiction of the fickle public perception and how easily it can be used to scapegoat people. when the sect leaders turn on jgy and wwx knows thats its more for convenience than anything else...

poor lxc is literally like 'oh so when YOUR problematic boyfriend gets called evil its a misunderstanding but when its MY problematic bf-'

ok like i cant get over nmj let jgy play a song that messed with his temperament at all, like maN u KNEW he might be shady wth

wwx: “hey dont say anything bad abt lan zhan hes not an arrogant dick, thats just his face. 

ME ON THE OTHER HAND"

the cultivators as wwx is poking holes in their narrative is literally *nazaré meme*

"wei wuxian-!" "what did i break your leg, too?" not to be problematic but i laughed so hard

not as hard as "you dont have the rank to talk to me " tho

i Enjoy that, over the course of story, wwx sees that... theres nothing truly to Do, but move on. he saw how his arrogance and his mistakes hurt others, and hes trying to fix what he can, but he already did die for his mistakes and there are things he cant fix and that's. just how it is. even towards jgy, the narrative doesn't go gleefully and completely with "lets make THEM pay bc theyre the big bad" bc its not that simple, and it wouldn't lead anywhere but more pain...

re him and jiang cheng and the wens and kinda. isnt that what nhs did? scheming to displace jgy out of revenge more than any justice and doing so in the most painful way?

idk if that actually makes sense im truly just babbling

i thought the scene at the lotus pond would be CUTE but the context was PAIN again

jiang cheng finding out about his golden core and his conflict with wwx at the guanyin temple .... destroyed me but in a nice way kinda.... same way it destroys him look at his face oh god

and. the fact??? he sacrificed himself for wwx?? first?? and he'll probably never tell anyone much less wwx???? keeps me up at night

i havent decided if the neckbreak transition between jgy does sth super Evil or does he he does OR Does He yes he does O R does heeeee is sth i dislike or not

jin guangyao and wei wuxians most interesting parallel is that... theyve both seen 'hmm hey this system is fucked up' and wwx went 'so fuck it all i will renounce it and challenge it' and jgy went 'so fuck it i will use all of it to my advantage and manipulate it to my goals and whims'

the fact jgys mom was actually great and he loved her and his whole issue w it was more than simply being ashamed of being a bastard kinda got me ngl

never trust a dude with a fan.

nhs and jgy: the first rule to a convoluted and decades spanning violent revenge plot is to have fun and be yourself! 

when a-yuan finally FINALLY remembers ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; wen ning has someone in his family back and a-yuan has someone to talk abt his wen family and wwx has him back bc he survived and lwj raised him anD HES THEIR SON. THEYRE MARRIED AND HAVE A SON. UGH.

and theyre allowed to heal. everyone is allowed to try and recover and be happy

netflix put all of the 3 endings on top of each other and it looks kinda weird actually BUT I DONT EVEN MIND :’’’’’’’’’)

the gasp that left me when lwj says ‘wei ying’ and wwx turns.........

there was also a screen with ‘thank you mxtx for creating these characters, we hope their wishes come true’ and i might. have cried then too. maybe. 

that was . a ride. as is proven by this behemot of a ramble clearly i just really needed and Outlet. i am currently trying to convince dumb monkey brain to not consume the other medias of mdzs immediately bc i REALLY need to like. live. a life. and take care of real responsibilities.  *longest oh boi ever*

[petri808]

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33-Epilogue

Neither Lucy nor Natsu sat through the closing arguments, but according to Gajeel the defense stood firmly on their case for insanity. Touka’s attorney argued that his client suffered from a disorder that should put her in a hospital for treatment, not a jail cell, and not only that, but the so-called victims in the case drove her to do what she did. It was a very risky move to blame the victims. Of course, the prosecution countered that not only did Touka not suffer from any condition but that this was a simple case of jealousy gone wrong. Natsu and Lucy were innocent victims of a selfish woman who tried to kill them. Period, and for that she should go to prison for the maximum sentence allowed.

The prosecutor implored to the jurors heartstrings. “You saw the effects that Ms. Shiromajyo caused to her victims. The tears shed on the stand and the genuine fear in Ms. Heartfilia’s testimony as she recounted the events in question. Ladies and gentlemen, this young woman stared death in the face and watched her boyfriend almost get killed by the defendant. They had to fight to survive! Ms. Heartfilia and Mr. Dragneel have experienced something that no one should ever go through.” He gestured at the timeline board facing them. “Ms. Shiromajyo stalked multiple people over the course of several years to reach her goal, intimidating people that really had nothing to do with her. Ms. Shiromajyo paid a person to kill Ms. Strauss, threatening and intimidating her. And most of all, ultimately took this whole situation into her own hands when all of her efforts didn’t work out. She is a danger to society. I urge you, the jury to give her victims the peace of mind that she’ll be off the streets in a cell getting the treatment that she needs, and the punishment she deserves.”

It was a nerve wracking time for the victims as they waited outside of the court room for the jury to deliberate. Lucy and Natsu stayed in a side room with the prosecutor along with their closest friends and family there to support them. The prosecutor assured them that they’d done their best and the odds were in their favor. But of course, it only took one hold out to cause a mistrial, and Lucy didn’t know if she could go through this again. She was already unhappy that even if convicted, Japan’s sentencing structures were not as stringent as other countries.

The jury deliberated for four hours before reaching a verdict pronouncing Touka guilty of all charges. Upon hearing the guilty decision, Lucy and Natsu slipped back into the court room to hear the final disposition.

“Rise Ms. Shiromajyo.” The judge then read the decision to the standing defendant. “You have been found guilty by this court of two counts of attempted murder that caused injury. One count of kidnapping for profit. And three counts of intimidation. Do you have any last statement to make to the court before I render sentencing?”

Touka hung her head as if resigned to her fate. “Yes...” Surprisingly, to all those in the courtroom, she apologized for her actions. “I see now how much pain I caused to everyone because I couldn’t control myself and I hope one day they’ll forgive me for it.”

But her words of contrition were too little, too late. The judge sentenced Touka to the maximum of the highest offense, which was 15 years with work, but instead of the work condition, imposed a special circumstance that Touka be ordered to undergo mandatory psychological treatment while in custody and to adhere to any treatments and medications prescribed for her own good.

“Ms. Shiromajyo,” the judge spoke directly to the woman. “You’ve apologized at the end, but I hope you truly feel that way. Based on all of the evidence presented in court, your actions were clearly towards a one-sided love affair with a man who wanted nothing to do with you, and for that you tried to punish an innocent woman who got in your way. I do not believe, and the jury agreed, that you do not suffer from a legal defense of mental defect, however you should spend the time in prison to get your mind right again, so that when you re-enter society in the future, you’ll no longer suffer from whatever emotional problems brought you here in the first place. You are very lucky that I cannot under the law sentence you to concurrent sentences for every single charge. Bailiff, take custody of the prisoner. This case is adjourned.”

As the final gavel bang echoed in the court room, Natsu and Lucy who’d made it in time to hear it all, broke down in tears and elation as the court room erupted in cheers around them. A rarity for the poised population. This case was certainly anything but common for Japan, especially because the perpetrator was a woman and journalists had kept the public up to date with its progress. A lot of people were affected by this case personally, but the fear of what Touka had done rang cold for onlookers too. For the public, the idea that someone you may know could harbor ill will and do something this heinous was a scary proposition.

While the case was now over, Lucy knew her own struggles with anxiety were not, despite the tiny relief she’d felt in hearing the words guilty. She’d made it through the trial by sheer determination, but the experience had set her back in her progress. Reliving all the worst events and being grilled by the defense had re-traumatized her. Not all the way regressed, but the nightmares were back anew, starting immediately after her recall testimony.

It wasn’t just the old memories that haunted Lucy, but a new, troubling thought brought out during that testimony. When the defense attorney tried to make her think she was just as bad as Touka, there was a point when she thought... was it true? And the more she pondered, the worst the correlation became despite her loved ones conviction that she was nothing like the woman. Because... why not? If Touka’s deluded mind really believed she was protecting what was hers, well isn’t that the same logic Lucy used to defend herself and Natsu? Then there was the rage she’d felt. Was the attorney, right? If Natsu hadn’t stopped her from beating the woman, would she have killed Touka? Did that mean she had a killer instinct too?

All the publicity surrounding the trial didn’t help one bit. Just trying to get out of the court room after the verdict had been a complete circus of cameras flashing and microphones being shoved in the couples faces wanting their opinions of the verdict. Oh, how Lucy wanted to scream in their faces! How do they think they’d feel?! Yes, it felt great to be vindicated, but 15 years for almost killing them? Where were their assurances that when Touka was released, she wouldn’t pick right back up where she’d left off and hunt them down?

All these irrational thoughts fueling the new regression were different from before. Lucy didn’t feel as anxious. She was a little depressed, but now she was also— angry.

When she arrived at her therapy session without Natsu, Lucy sat on the couch facing the woman with her arms crossed. The therapist was quick to note the way in which she was holding her poise because it wasn’t a comforting arm cross, but a firm one. The muscles in her forearms were tense along with the tight lipped and brows furrowed expression gracing Lucy’s face.

“Well, this is certainly new,” the woman put her notebook down as she spoke. “Something has changed, shall we talk about it?”

Lucy’s hands clenched firmly as her eyes look away slightly. “I had a small argument with Natsu this morning.”

“I get the impression it wasn’t small.”

“Okay! It was a big fight! Happy?!” Lucy’s arms unfurled and gesticulated. “I don’t even know why it got out of hand, but it did.”

“Tell me what happened and let’s figure it out together.”

“Tch,” Lucy crossed her arms again and looked away. “I woke up from a nightmare. He started comforting me like he al—ways does, and I told him to stop. But he didn’t.”

“Why’d you tell him to stop?”

“I don’t know... I was just, irritated.”

“With him?”

“Yes... No— both, I don’t fucking know! Just pissed off, okay?! I was just angry and didn’t wanna be bothered!”

“I see... and how did Natsu react?”

“He, well, um,” Lucy’s shoulders dropped a bit. “He just said okay, I’ll give you space if you want it and left the bedroom. And we haven’t spoken since then.”

“It sounds like Natsu respected your wishes to back off. But why is that making you so angry?”

The therapists question brought instant tears pooling in Lucy’s eyes. She knew why, but she didn’t know why, and holding it in was tearing her apart. But she also didn’t know how to articulate all of the random thoughts plaguing her in a way that made sense. So, at that moment she just broke. Through fitful sobs the cacophony of broken, fragmented thoughts spewed out in no logical manner. Lucy just spoke every word and sentence that came to mind as the therapist sat quietly listening.

This was her first session since the trial had ended, so all of the wounds were painfully fresh. Shouldn’t she be happy it was over? They were free for now and it was time to move forward but all she could think about were the things the attorney had said. And that made her angry with herself. Lucy’s always thought she was so much stronger, yet this experience or rather the effects left her feeling lost and broken, and weak. Even more infuriating for her, she knew these thoughts were completely irrational! It’s one thing to not understand, it’s another to know how stupid it sounded and not be able to fight back against it. Weak. That’s what it made her feel. Stupid and weak for losing herself. They may have won against Touka, but Touka had taken something away and Lucy feared she’d lost it forever.

Who she was.

The therapist moved over to the couch and hugged tightly to a sobbing Lucy, stroking her hair and cradling her head. Comforting in silence allowed the blonde to just cry, as hard as she needed to and release everything that had been held inside where it shouldn’t stay. When the tears slowed, and Lucy’s breathing had the normalized, the therapist spoke softly.

“You’re not broken, Lucy, and you’re not dumb. You’re rightfully in pain after everything you’ve experienced, and that’s okay too.”

“How is that okay?” Lucy sniffled. “It shouldn’t be okay!”

“It’s not fair what you had to endure but being upset and feeling pain because of it means you’re human. Even the anger is a good feeling right now.”

Lucy snorts an annoyed laugh at such a ridiculous sounding statement. Anger being, okay?!

“There are positives we can take from this.”

Again, Lucy huffs. “Yeah, right. That makes a lot of sense.”

The therapist pulls back and settles into a more professional pose to continue. “Your anger means you care. Think about it, if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t get angry, right?”

“I guess...”

“In all these months, this is the first time I am seeing a deep passion coming from you. Lucy you aren’t really lost, and this anger are those feelings screaming ‘I’m still here!’ You can use that same energy to push forward.”

“But what about Natsu?” Lucy’s eyes cloud up. “I think I really made him mad a-and I don’t want to lose him.”

“Did he come with you today?”

“Yeah, he’s in the waiting room.” Lucy mumbled through a frown. “But I think he just came cause he felt obligated.”

The therapists eyes softened along with her tone. “I have a feeling that’s not the case. He might feel hurt and confused right now, but I’m sure he still loves you deeply. Maybe we should bring him in here and talk things over? That way I can help you through it.”

Lucy paused for a moment before nodding weakly. “I’d like that.”

The therapist brought Natsu into the room and as soon as he saw the puffy red eyes and Lucy’s disheveled appearance immediately stumbled over and hugged onto her with tears of his own flowing down, apologizing over and over for upsetting her that morning.

Although Lucy stiffened up at first when he’d hugged her in fear of what he might say, his words instead stunned her. All along she’d felt the fight was her fault, not his. She’d been the bitch to him and now his pain brought her tears back along with a loss of her anger. “It’s not your fault,” she hugged him back. “I was angry with myself and took it out on you. That wasn’t fair.”

“But I shouldn’t have walked away like I did.”

“No,” Lucy exhaled, “you did the right thing. I... I needed something to wake me up.”

Natsu pulled back in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Lucy smiled weakly. “Coming here mad, I couldn’t hide it so she made me talk about it. Now I see how that needed that to happen and I feel a lot better because of it. I was just worried you’d hate me for the way I acted.”

“I could never hate you,” Natsu smiled and cupped Lucy’s cheeks. “I told you, you’re stuck with me.”

By that point, the therapist had gone back to her own chair and with the session almost over for that day, addressed the couple together. “Lucy right now I think you are at a very good point in your progress. Your anxiety had gotten better, the depression is still there, but it’s not as debilitating as it was before, so now it’s time to take the next step in the healing process. You’d mentioned wanting going back to school and the next semester starts in a month. Perhaps it’s time to consider going back?”

“I-I don’t know if I could handle full time...”

“Maybe reach out to the school and see if they’ll work with you on a modified schedule?”

“I guess I could...”

“And I’ll help you,” Natsu added on as he squeezed Lucy’s hand. “They’ve been really supportive so far.”

Lucy let out a long exhale. “Okay. I’ll give it a shot.”

“I’ve got another suggestion too,” Natsu added. “If you get angry, you could take it out with a physical sport or something.”

“That’s actually a good outlet,” the therapist agreed. “Is there anything you’re interested in?”

“Um...” Lucy thought about for a couple minutes. “I thought about taking self-defense classes.”

“That would be cool! Maybe we can go together?”

“I’d really, really like that.” And first time in a long time, Lucy truly meant it.

[casualcatte]

[LFRP] FFXIV: Gospel Lightfaith

Age: Adult (late 30′s approx.)

Race: Hyur, Midlander - Ul’dahnian

Gender: Female

Hair: Silver

Eyes: Blue

Height: 5′9″

Build: Fit and well-muscled but not bulky.

Common Accessories: She keeps a rosary-like set of prayer beads on her person, though never worn. A silver sigil of Thaliak is attached to them.

Server: Balmung

Profession: Free Paladin, Mercenary-for-Hire

Hobbies & Interests: Dancing, helping others, reading, writing, painting, art, music

Residence: The Mist, Ward 23, The Topmast, Room 50

Birthplace: Ul’dah, Thanalan, Eorzea

Religion: Thaliak, the Scholar

Fears: Higher Voidsent, abandonment (by those she cares about), failure (in a number of things)

Smoking Habit: Never. She keeps her body in peak physical condition.

Drugs:  A few times in her youth, but after a few bad experiences she hasn’t bothered with them since.

Alcohol:  Yes. A nightcap to relax after a hard day’s work.  Or sometimes excessively when stressed or in pain.

Food: She can cook fair, basic meals, but nothing extravagantly gourmet. Humble, simple food like what she grew up with as a merchant’s daughter.

Status:  Single

Sexuality: Demiromantic, Heterosexual Do not expect to get involved with my character without significant investment.  No one night stands, no love at first sight. 

Spouse: None.

Children: None.

Parents: Elspeth and Alexander Lightfaith

Siblings: None that she is aware of.

Other Relatives/Close Friends: Valeria Camena  @thehouseofvs​ 

Enemies/Rivals Zerey Zeyad @therpperson​

Animal Companions: Venator, her gryphon mount.

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted

Disorganized / In Between / Organized

Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded

Calm / In Between / Anxious

Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable

Cautious / In Between / Reckless

Patient / In Between /  Impatient

Outspoken / In Between / Reserved

Leader / In Between / Follower

Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic

Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic

Traditional / In Between / Modern

Hard-working / In Between / Lazy

Cultured / In Between / Uncultured

Honest / In Between / Dishonest

Loyal / In Between / Disloyal

Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

You need something killed. Gospel is a mercenary-for-hire, though typically to common smallfolk and tradesmen primarily. She has an extremely moralistic code that doesn’t allow her perform duties that she finds morally repugnant, like harming the innocent.  Expect questions.

You need protection. Her shield is also for hire, if you find yourself in need of one. Again, she prefers to work with lower class citizens, but isn’t above working for the occasional noble or entertainer. 

You are an Ul’dahnian merchant. Gospel’s family are a generational line of armor and weaponsmiths, primarily focused on metalworking. Merchant-folk are welcome to have heard of Lightfaith Arms & Armory either directly or in a tertiary sense. They’re known for swords and plate armor, as well as household common items like pots, pans, and wagon wheels. Their Maker’s Mark is a radiant sun stamped in gold foil on their items.

You are an Ul’dahnian resident. Gospel worked for a number of years for her family’s smithy, mostly as their Public Relations / Advertising / Salesperson. Residents of Ul’dah are welcome to know her directly or in passing as a woman often seen about town trying to tempt adventurers and common folk into buying their wares.  She also later became known for her mercenary-for-hire and protection services.

You are/were a member of the Maelstrom. A former captain of the Maelstrom, Gospel earned her notoriety as a bulwark against the tides of battle, oftentimes defending and protecting wounded soldiers as they waited for evacuation from the field. A friend to mages and healers, she was especially protective of them in battle. After her retirement and return to Ul’dah, members of her regiment often spun tall tales of her exploits in the tavern.  The Knight of the Lily is a name often bandied about in such cases.

Friends, acquaintances, and adventuring buddies, age 21+. Nothing against younger players, I’m just a 40-year old lady and enjoy playing the game with other like-minded adults.

People who like growing things organically, particularly relationships. I don’t like making things up out of thin air and I don’t like  friendships and romances that flourish overnight. Put time and effort into creating things!

In-game RP sessions, primarily!  (Discord available for OOC coordination.)  I’ve had pretty bad luck with keeping Discord threads and the like active, so I prefer in-game sessions whenever possible. Not to say those methods are completely off the table, but reserved for folks who are genuinely interested in upkeeping and maintaining them.

Lore flexibility. I’m not as well-versed in FFXIV lore and I don’t need/want people around me who want to hammer the Nth of the lore and make roleplay feel more like homework. As long as it’s a good story and an engaging character, that should be enough!

Story and Character-driven Plotlines.  I love a good epic story.  I love long-term connections, be it friendship or rivalry. Slice-of-life and general hanging out is fine on occasion, but I truly thrive in a story-driven environment.

Late Night/Overnight Friends. I tend to keep late hours, so people who are around/available between 8pm and 8am (Central US Time) are ideal.

People who aren’t afraid of OOC communication.  Seriously, this is a big one.  If you can’t talk to me OOC about a session, what you like, don’t like, or have issues with then please don’t seek me out.  I view roleplay as collaborative storytelling that we should all have fun with and a large part of that is talking things through OOC to ensure we’re all on the same page and having fun.

IC/OOC Blending. If you’re a person that can’t keep your IC and OOC separate, don’t seek me out.  I am not my character.  My character is not me.  Whatever interactions you have with my character are not a reflection of my views/personality as the Player.  Do not conflate them.

ERP, gore, extreme violence, torture, horror, et cetera. I have a pretty stressful life, I RP and play games to relax and these topics don’t contribute to that. At the very least, please ASK me before starting anything involving these themes.

These first two, especially, are deal breakers and I will cease contact with people that can’t respect these boundaries (which is why OOC communication is a MUST with me.) If you aren’t sure – please ASK!

Most roll-based system RP.  I’m a big fan of D&D-style systems, if they incorporate character sheets that allow Characters to have aspects to them that shine and fail.  Being subject to random RNG without attributing bonuses for character skill and experience feels imbalance to me.  (And RNG generally hates me, so... XD)

Mundane-focused RP.  Slice of life, hanging out, and less-active scenes are fine, but only in moderation. If that’s all you care to do, Gospel and I are probably not a good fit, because we both are adventuresome souls that like getting involved in things!  

Experienced Roleplayer.  I’ve been roleplaying for almost 30 years now. I love discussing roleplay ideas and implementing them. I’m not worried about “spoilers” or ruining immersion by discussing and planning storylines OOC. Planning ensures that everyone has a chance to contribute ideas that are fun for *them* so everyone has a good experience.

Patient and Understanding. I tend to be patient with people of all roleplay styles and experiences. Just be courteous if you need to AFK mid-RP for an extended period or reschedule the scene. I understand well that Real Life and your own well-being come first, so just be up-front with me about things. 

Special Information.   I am a 40+ year old woman with severe Rheumatoid Arthritis. This means I may need to cancel plans last-minute depending on my pain levels/fatigue or I may need to leave mid-scene. This is NOT an indicator of interest – or lack thereof – I have a disease that needs careful tending and I have to listen to the needs of my body before anything else.

Availability/Contact Information –––

Timezone: GMT/UTC -5 or Central (US) Time. I’m mostly avaliable from 8pm to 8am, Sunday through Tuesday. Beyond that, my schedule gets pretty unpredictable, but I’ll do my best to let you know ahead of time if I have any conflicts and what my availability is.

Discord: casualcatte#1384

In-Game:  Gospel Lightfaith@Balmung

Last Updated: May 1, 2021

[monkey-network]

The Odyssey of Spongebob Squarepants

A lot can happen as you grow up. Your tastes will change, you will have more responsibilities, and unless you can literally live under a rock, you can’t turn things back for yourself. So... after over 20 years, when the time keeps going in spite of yourself, does your past evolve and how should you feel about it? Spongebob Squarepants is a show so many have noted as the greatest of all time, but has grown to not be wholly beloved as its later years have not been as well received as it’s golden era. But I’m one to think: how has Spongebob evolved over time? What of this show makes it the greatest in my eyes despite thinking more about those vaunted first three seasons with its movie? Well, let’s roll back...

Back to the Past, To Remember Episodes that Sucked Ass

Despite what some may say, I don’t believe season 4 and 5 was where Spongebob started losing its mojo. There were definitely stinkers like Good Neighbors and Driven to Tears but the good ones definitely outweighed the bad. Not like the quality Golden Era didn’t have its duds, I really don’t like I’m With Stupid, Party Pooper Pants, and Spongeguard on Duty. Season 6 is where I say things surely falter, where for a good amount of time more episodes became unpleasant in retrospect. I noticed it’s more season 6 through 8 that people really take issue with. The Splinter, Boating Buddies, Pet Sitter Pat, the many we call the worst are some good time after the first movie. The first movie came out in 2004, season 6 was spring 2008 so it’s fair to say we had a grace period.

But it begs the bucking question: why did Spongebob stop being good? Numerous people have tried wrapping their heads around the decline citing reasons from flanderization, creative fallout and changes. Emplemon believed in his Spongebob video that the spirit of what connected the show to adults was severed due to merely become a cartoon for children, especially when Spongebob and Squidward’s dichotomy as adults was broken in later seasons. But you know what? I think I truly have the answer. It’s not so much production wise, but it certainly explains the many differing bad episodes that many have covered. It explains why I don’t like Sponge on the Run but we’ll get to that later. But a truth I’ve noticed, remembering and looking at Spongebob in its seperated eras is one I haven’t seen anybody talk about when it comes to why it could be considered bad:

The Plot Drives the Characters Too Much

The greatest episodes of Spongebob, I’m talking Band Geeks, Pizza Delivery, Ripped Pants, Chocolate w/ Nuts, Karate Choppers, etc., don’t have the premise take over the characters. Meanwhile the worst episodes always have the plot push the characters in noticeably different directions because it demands it. Spongebob is strictly a character based cartoon, and when you have episodes that, while can appear fitting on paper, force the cast to be somebody they’re not, people aren’t gonna be on board. Take the episode A Pal for Gary where Spongebob gets Gary a new pet that dangerously hates other pets only for him to be completely ignorant of Gary’s pleas and blames him in the end for banishing the monstrous Puffy Fluffy away. Reasonably, Spongebob is very much the asshole but unfortunately has to or else the plot would need to be seriously reworked. We can chock it up to poor direction but this is indeed a common occurrence for when Spongebob gets bad, not just in post first movie era. I’m With Stupid is a great classic era example where yeah, Patrick becomes an ignorant jerk but on paper, it works with the plot of him trying to please his parents. It does the job at the visible cost of the characters. We generally say the characters are bad but I’ve hardly seen people say the plots are bad like Family Guy where, despite also being character focused, the plots they have can go off the rails in favor of trying to get laughs and the sake of a status quo. The highlight of this problem lies with the coined ‘Squidward Torture Porn’

Squidward Tentacles can be a jerk. A real cynic, a character that’ll gladly try to bring down Spongebob’s childlike wonder in favor of giving him a dose of reality. The most memorable episodes of him are where him and Spongebob are in the same situation but have their clash of outlooks, with Squidward ultimately understanding Spongebob’s POV enough to have a moment of genuine happiness or a modest bit of karma. He’s indeed the most important character because adults grow to see where he’s coming from but at the same time wants to be on Spongebob’s side. The best provide Squidward the chance to understand differently and potentially enjoy a new perspective. The worst punishes him for simply wanting to live.

The plots of the worst Squidward episodes have Spongebob and/or Patrick actively antagonize Squidward because on paper, it makes sense to make someone like Squidward the punching bag like Elmer Fudd to Bugs Bunny or an egotistical asshole to the Warner Siblings from Animaniacs. But in the effort to do so, they never give Squidward the chance to fight back. It’s like they took the whole “No One Wants to be a Squidward” line and utilized that to make him the go to for misery based comedy without giving him any upside. Cephalopod Lodge, Good Neighbors, Choir Boys are stories designed around Spongebob ruining Squid’s life because... what? He doesn’t want Spongebob to be around every time of day? As a child, it can be some fun just seeing Squid get punished but for an adult, it can definitely be a turn-off. Some people see themselves in Squidward, for better or worse, so what’s it to them when Squidward is basically forced to suffer for no reason other than the plot demands it? Later stories give Squidward far more of a break, even some successes, but the idea of making him the butt of life’s joke is still leftover from the episodes that called for him to casually suffer.

The worst plots of the show can be the safest, the simplest, and pretty predictable because unlike the best where the characters are just allowed to make things happen, the story has to contain the characters in a way that’s fitting to who they can be but notably sacrifices who they were before. Why they got made is very up in the air, I’d have to listen to a ton of commentary to potentially pick that apart and I don’t have that much time. 

But it doesn’t the change the fact that the plots were never what made Spongebob good. And it doesn’t mean all those bad episodes make for bad seasons either. We could say there was a decline but that would mean giving up on the show merely because it lost it’s footing with more bad episodes than good for a few seasons. Because I believe 4 to 5 years after season 6, things got back on track even if things weren’t exactly the same.

Return to Form, Change in Energy

I don’t believe that Stephen Hillenburg’s departure was what proposed the decline, I’d say the show never really declined, just had some real potholes within three particular seasons. But I say it’s clear that the direction of the show shifted because you gotta understand, with or without Stephen the show has to be unique, has to have fresh ideas in the midst of potential competition despite being the most popular of the network. Even the trusted of Hillenburg’s team might’ve figured Spongebob couldn’t make lightning strike so rough patches might be expected. This is where Spongebob’s 2nd film, Sponge Out Of Water comes in.

I wasn’t as into this film with my first watch. I know it wouldn’t compare to the first film, but things felt segmented to where it hardly felt like a structured movie. Going back to it again, it kinda showed how Spongebob was going to evolve as a series. A lot of Sponge Out of Water lies in the characters getting into a more chaotic adventure than before. Spongey’s dream sequence, the whole Mad Max apocalypse, inter-dimensional dolphins, really told that the show post 2nd film would follow in its footsteps both in the stories and in animation.

It’s to say the golden era of Spongebob was more... grounded with itself. The charm of the characters was what made the plots unpredictable in nature but mostly not to a visible extent. Idiot Box, one of the greatest episodes, literally have moments where we see nothing but a box but the episode’s carried by the performances. Modern Spongebob, post 2nd movie, started to run all over the place. That’s not a bad thing but clearly a change of pace. I think it’s befitting to say the modern era got more cartoon-y where it’s way more expressive and the plots themselves go in unpredictable places in a way that all feels refreshing. It’s not the same as before, but well enough in it’s own time. It’s like Teen Titans ‘03 vs Teen Titans GO! The two have their clearly different tones but they’re appealing in their own way, only Spongebob isn’t trying to poke fun at its older audience like a snarky ass motherfu-

That is the thing as well that I haven’t seen many people consider when it comes to the modern era: it always tries to be fun. I can say an episode’s bad, but there are times where a bad Spongebob episode was enjoyable at least. It isn’t like modern Simpsons where you could tell they’ve been running out of steam and you’d just wish it died. It feels like the staff were given some time and space to make Spongebob back into as intended, even when most moments aren’t as strong or memorable as before. It can appear as just another cartoon for children but it never felt like it wasn’t Spongebob anymore, especially after the 2nd film and with Stephen Hillenburg’s consulting return. Unfortunately, only after a few more years is where say Spongebob’s going in a direction that I’m admittedly not fond off. It isn’t on par with The Simpsons, but it’s not as comfortable a fate.

A Spongebob Cinematic Universe

I enjoyed Sponge on the Run, but I don’t like it what it stands for. Many say it’s a poor backdoor for the spin-off Kamp Koral and I can’t help but agree. I’m not speaking for Stephen’s behalf nor will I shame everyone who comes to love this mini-series when it comes out, but I can definitely see where he was coming from with his abstain of spin-offs. Spongebob is a show that works, always worked, on its own. It has many characters that, to this day, they’re bouncing with to create new adventures and jokes. Now, I’m actually okay with giving some spin-offs revolving around the other characters; a show for Squidward would be hype as all hell. 

But Kamp Koral, by extension Sponge on the Run, feels less like a creator’s passion and more like a marketed decision. The fact that they scrapped a potential alien cat invasion movie all for a visually pleasing yet heavily derivative story tells quite a bit. It’s a movie that, compared to the previous, is just hitting certain beats; the plot again driving the characters instead of the other way around which leads to really off-putting moments. There’s fun to be had, but it feels superficial. And while I don’t think this’ll affect the next generation of Spongebob, the most recent episodes are good, but I have a bad feeling that it’ll be morphed into something Stephen genuinely didn’t want for the series and they do it because regardless of what the fans don’t want, they truly own the show now.

I was okay with Spongebob having its merchandise and a Broadway musical because the show helped make them work. After seeing SCOOB! and countless talks of making cinematic universes thanks not only to the MCU but stuff like Spider-Verse and Lego Movie though, it’s starting to feel more like an corporate sanctioned omen that I fear too much becoming a reality. But really, it begs one more question...

What Do I See in Spongebob?

I’ve said this when talking about the 1st Spongebob movie: “[It] works so well was because, speaking for adults, it is about embracing the you that you love as opposed to trying to be someone you aren't. You can grow up for taking that journey, but you don't have to be grown up all the time.” Even with its not so great history, Spongebob personally never comes off as a show that’s lost its identity. If there’s anything learned from the likes of Steven Universe and Family Guy, yeah, it’s that bad episodes or changes in tone doesn’t make for a buried series. Vast majority will definitely notice the difference between classic and modern Spongebob, but I don’t believe they’ll say it isn’t Spongebob anymore. I keep bringing it up, but it doesn’t feel like the Simpsons where you notice the burnout, the age of its existence in the late late seasons. Not that Viacom/Nickelodeon won’t hesitate the same fate because they can be fucking scum, but otherwise the show has run out of steam yet. 

What mostly concerns me though is that the charm of the show falls by the wayside with trying to expand it outside the show. Bog down the love by making unnecessary spin-offs that try to do what fanworks like the Spongebob Anime do for the hell of it in order to retain that all age appeal. They’ll feel like memes that age horrifically the moment it’s trending on Twitter. Again I don’t wanna speak over Stephen Hillenburg’s behalf but it feels like Nickelodeon gets potentially too ambitious with something that should be simple enough at the same time. We got some good hype back thanks to the Battle for Bikini Bottom Rehydrated, but that only could boost our spirits so far this year.

To me, Spongebob was certainly a game changer and now, while still popular, it is very much among the crowd. It’s not a show we’re worrying about compared to stuff like Infinity Train, Glitch Techs, the Animaniacs reboot, Primal, shows that are continually changing the metagame in what people want for a cartoon. We might notice stand out moments and we’ll continue making memes, but it’s fair to say we aren’t as invested in Spongebob socially as back then when, as I remember, new episodes or specials felt like an event and it was considered the best out here in our friend circles. Now when we say it’s the best, it’s asterisked. Many love Spongebob Squarepants, but notably aren’t too keen with all of it nowadays.

But to truly conclude, I say for everyone who reads all of this, 1st thank you, and secondly to give modern Spongebob a chance. I can’t recommend Sponge On the Run but these later seasons (nine to recently) actually feel like the show cleaned up itself after many touted that bad episode era was what made Spongebob fall. I don’t believe the show’s fallen because I shouldn’t have expected this show to be flawless. Not every episode’s a hit, but there is not only still good variety but episodes that feel right at home. Mimic Madness, Boo-kini Bottom, Squid Noir, Moving Bubble Bass, One Trick Sponge, and any episode with Plankton are actual joys to see and rewatch if I’m in the mood. The episode premieres are all over the place nowadays but it feels like the crew are given their time at least. And I think this is the path is where I’m content with about Spongebob: it just gets to be a cartoon.

I see so many people try to prop up shows as more than meets the eye. I mention Infinity Train and Steven Universe as the new game changers but I hardly see people just recommend shows that are simple, clean, knows what they are without trying to be anything more premise wise. We just get some quality entertainment with characters we’ve come to know, just for the sake of it. We get a cartoon in its bare essence. Spongebob gets to do its thing like it always has these past 20 years and I’m grateful for that. I’ve seen a variety of shows, but Spongebob always felt like a show worth sticking with even when I feel I’ve “outgrown” it. Not because I want to regress in growth, but as an adult I see now why Spongebob worked so well as it did and why it’s worth sticking with. Even after everything, the show’s made it it’s sole passage to provide us the core reason why we love Spongebob: the show always wanted to love itself for what it was as Spongebob Squarepants always loved to be himself.

And there will never ever be another show like it.

[popculty]

52 Films by Women: 2020 Edition

Another annual challenge complete!

Last year, I focused on diversifying my list. This year I kept that intention but focused on watching more non-American films and films from the 20th century. Specifically, I sought out Agnès Varda’s entire filmography, after her death in 2019. (I was not disappointed - What a filmmaking legend we lost.) 

I also kept a film log for the first time and have included some of my thoughts on several films from that log. I made a point of including reviews both positive and negative, because I think it’s important to acknowledge the variability and breadth of the canon, so as not to put every film directed by a woman on a pedestal. (Although movies directed by women must clear a much higher bar to be greenlit, meaning generally higher quality...But that’s an essay for another day :)

* = directed by a woman of color

bold = fave

1. The Rhythm Section (2020) dir. Reed Morano - Not as good as it could have been, given Morano’s proven skill behind the camera, but also not nearly as bad as the critics made it out to be. And unbelievably refreshing to see a female revenge story not driven by sexual assault or the loss of a husband/child.

2. Cléo de 5 à 7 (1962) dir. Agnès Varda - If you ever wanted to take a real-time tour of Paris circa 1960, this is the film for you.

3. Little Women (2019) dir. Greta Gerwig - Still my favorite Little Women adaptation. I will re-watch it every year and cry.

4. Varda by Agnès (2019) dir. Agnès Varda & Didier Rouget

5. Booksmart (2019) dir. Olivia Wilde - An instant classic high school comedy romp that subverts all the gross tropes of its 1980s predecessors.

6. Girls of the Sun (2018) dir. Eva Husson

7. Blue My Mind (2017) dir. Lisa Brühlmann

8. Portrait of a Lady On Fire (2019) dir. Céline Sciamma - Believe the hype. This film is a master thesis on the female gaze, and also just really effing gorgeous.

9. Belle Epine (2010) dir. Rebecca Zlotowski

10. Vamps (2012) dir. Amy Heckerling - With Krysten Ritter and Alicia Silverstone as modern-day vampires, I was so ready for this movie. But it feels like a bad stage play or a sit-com that’s missing a laugh-track. Bummer.

11. *Birds of Prey (2020) dir. Cathy Yan - Where has this movie been all our lives?? Skip the next onslaught of Snyder-verse grim-darkery and give me two more of these STAT! 

12. She’s Missing (2019) dir. Alexandra McGuinness

13. The Mustang (2019) dir. Laure de Clermont-Tonnere - Trigger warning for the “protagonist” repeatedly punching a horse in the chest. I noped right out of there.

14. Monster (2003) dir. Patty Jenkins – I first watched this movie when I was probably too young and haven’t revisited it since. The rape scene traumatized me as a kid, but as an adult I appreciate how that trauma is not the center of the movie, or even of Aileen’s life. Everyone still talks about how Charlize “went ugly” for this role, but the biggest transformation here isn’t aesthetic, it’s physical – the way Theron replicates Wuernos’ mannerisms, way of speaking, and physicality. That’s why she won the Oscar. I also love that Jenkins calls the film “Monster” (which everyone labels Aileen), but then actually uses it to tell the story of how she fell in love with a woman when she was at her lowest, and that saved her. That’s kind of beautiful, and I’m glad I re-watched it so that I could see the story in that light, instead of the general memory I had of it being a good, feel-bad movie. It’s so much more than that.

15. Water Lilies (2007) dir. Céline Sciamma – Sciamma’s screenwriting and directorial debut, the first in her trilogy on youth, is as painfully beautiful as its sequels (Tomboy and Girlhood). It’s also one of the rare films that explores the overlap of queerness and girl friendships.

16. The Trouble with Angels (1966) dir. Ida Lupino – Movies about shenanigan-based female friendships are such rare delights. Rosalind Russel is divine as Mother Superior, and Hayley Mills as “scathingly brilliant” as the pranks she plays on her. Ida Lupino’s skill as an editor only enhances her directing, providing some truly iconic visual gags to complement dialogue snappy enough for Gilmore Girls. 

17. Vagabond (1985) dir. Agnès Varda – Shot with a haunting realism, this film has no qualms about its heroine’s inevitable, unceremonious death, which it opens with, matter-of-factly, before retracing her final (literal) steps to the road-side ditch she ends up in. (I’m partly convinced said heroine was the inspiration for Sarah Manning in Orphan Black.)

18. One Sings, The Other Doesn’t (1977) dir. Agnès Varda – Probably my favorite classic Varda, this film feels incredibly personal. It’s essentially a love story about two best friends with very different lives. For an indie made in the ‘70s, the diversity, scope, and themes of the film are impressive. Even if the second half a drags a bit, the first half is absolute perfection, engaging the viewer immediately, and clipping along, sprinkling in some great original songs that were way progressive for their time (about abortion, female bodily autonomy, etc) and could still be considered “bangers” today.

19. Emma (2020) dir. Autumn de Wilde

20. Black Panthers (1969) dir. Agnès Varda

21. Into the Forest (2016) dir. Patricia Rozema - When the world was ending (i.e. the pandemic hit) this was the first movie I turned to - a quiet, meditative story of two sisters (Elliot Page and Evan Rachel Wood) surviving off the land after a sudden global blackout. Four years later, it’s still one of my favorite book-to-screen adaptations. I fondly remember speaking with director Patricia Rozema at the 2016 Chicago Critics Film Festival after a screening, her love for the source material and desire to “get it right” so apparent. I assured her then, and reaffirm now, that she really did.

22. City of Trees (2019) dir. Alexandra Swarens

23. Never Rarely Sometimes Always (2020) dir. Eliza Hittmann - To call this a harrowing and deeply personal journey of a sixteen-year-old who must cross state lines to get an abortion would be accurate, but incomplete. It is a story so much bigger than that, about the myriad ways women’s bodies and boundaries are constantly violated.

24. Paradise Hills (2019) dir. Alice Waddington

25. *Eve’s Bayou (1996) dir. Kasi Lemmons – I’ve been meaning to watch Kasi Lemmons’ directorial debut for many years now, and I’m so glad I finally have, because it fully deserves its icon status, beyond being one of the first major films directed by a black woman. Baby Jurnee Smollett's talent was immediately recognizable, and she has reminded us of it in Birds of Prey and Lovecraft Country this year. If merit was genuinely a factor for Oscar contenders, she would have taken home gold at eleven years old. Beasts of the Southern Wild has been one of my all-time favorites, but now I realize that most of my appreciation for that movie actually goes to Lemmons for blazing the trail with her story of a young black girl from the bayou first. It’s also a surprisingly dark story about memory and abuse and familial relationships that cross lines - really gutsy and surprising themes, especially for the ‘90s.

26. Blow the Man Down (2019) dir. Bridget Savage Cole & Danielle Krudy - Come and get your sea shanty fix!

27. Touchy Feely (2013) dir. Lynn Shelton - R.I.P. :(

28. Hannah Gadsby: Douglas (2020) dir. Madeleine Parry - If you thought Gadsby couldn’t follow up 2018′s sensational Nanette with a comedy special just as sharp and hilarious, you would have been sorely mistaken.

29. Girlhood (2013) dir. Céline Sciamma

30. Breathe (2014) dir. Mélanie Laurent

31. *A Dry White Season (1989) dir. Euzhan Palcy

32. Laggies (2014) dir. Lynn Shelton

33. *The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood – Everything I’ve ever wanted in an action movie: Immortal gays, Charlize Theron wielding a labrys (battle axe), kinetic fight choreography I haven’t seen since the last Bond movie…Watched it twice, then devoured the comics it was adapted from, and I gotta say: in the hands of black women, it eclipses the source material. Cannot wait for the just-announced sequel.

34. Morvern Callar (2002) dir. Lynn Ramsay

35. Shirley (2020) dir. Josephine Decker

36. *Radioactive (2019) dir. Marjane Satrapi – The story is obviously well worth telling and the narrative structure – weaving in the future consequences of Curie’s discoveries – is clever, but a bit awkwardly executed and overly manipulative. There are glimpses of real brilliance throughout, but it feels as if the director’s vision was not fully realized, to my great disappointment. Nonetheless, I appreciated seeing Marie Curie's story being told by a female director and embodied by the always wonderful Rosamund Pike.

37. *The Half of It (2020) dir. Alice Wu - I feel like a real scrooge for saying this, but this movie did nothing for me. Nothing about it felt fresh, authentic or relatable. A real disappointment from the filmmaker behind the wlw classic Saving Face.

38. Mouthpiece (2018) dir. Patricia Rozema - I am absolutely floored. One of those films that makes you fall in love with the art form all over again. Patricia Rozema continues to prove herself one of the most creatively ambitious and insightful directors of our time, with this melancholic meditation on maternal grief and a woman’s duality.

39. Summerland (2020) dir. Jessica Swale - The rare period wlw love story that is not a) all-white or b) tragedy porn. Just lovely.

40. *The Last Thing He Wanted (2020) dir. Dee Rees – As rumored, a mess. Even by the end, I still couldn’t tell you who any of the characters are. Dee, we know you’re so much better than this! (see: Mudbound, Pariah)

41. *Cuties (2020) dir. Maïmouna Doucouré – I watched this film to 1) support a black woman director who has been getting death threats for her work and 2) see what all the fuss is about. While I do think there were possibly some directorial choices that could have saved quite a bit of the pearl-clutching, overall, I didn’t find it overly-exploitative or gross, as many (who obviously haven’t actually watched the film) have labeled it. It certainly does give me pause, though, and makes me wonder whether children can ever be put in front of a camera without it exploiting or causing harm to them in some way. It also makes one consider the blurry line between being a critique versus being an example. File this one under complicated, for sure.

42. A Call to Spy (2019) Lydia Dean Pilcher – An incredible true story of female spies during WWII that perfectly satisfied my itch for British period drama/spy thriller and taught me so much herstory I didn’t know.

43. Kajillionaire (2020) dir. Miranda July - I was lucky enough to attend the (virtual) premiere of this film, followed by an insightful cast/director Q&A, which only made me appreciate it more. July's offbeat dark comedy about a family of con artists is queerer and more heartfelt than it has any right to be, and a needed reprieve in a year of almost entirely white wlw stories. The family's shenanigans are the hook, but it's the budding relationship between Old Dolio (an almost unrecognizable Evan Rachel Wood) and aspiring grifter Melanie (the luminous Gina Rodriguez) that is the heart of the story.

44. Misbehaviour (2020) dir. Philippa Lowthorpe – Again, teaching me herstory I didn’t know, about how the Women’s Liberation Movement stormed the 1970 Miss World Pageant. Keira Knightley and Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s characters have a conversation in a bathroom at the end of the film that perfectly eviscerates well-meaning yet ignorant white feminism, without ever pitting women against each other - a feat I didn’t think was possible. I also didn’t think it was possible to critique the male gaze without showing it (*ahem Cuties, Bombshell, etc*), but this again, invents a way to do it. Bless women directors.

45. *All In: The Fight for Democracy (2020) dir. Liz Garbus and Lisa Cortes – 2020’s 13th. Thank god for Stacey Abrams, that is all.

46. *The 40-Year-Old Version (2020) dir. Radha Blank – This scene right here? I felt that in my soul. This whole film is so good and funny and heartfelt and relatable to any artist trying to walk that tightrope of “making it” while not selling their soul to make it. My only initial semi-note was that it’s a little long, but after hearing Radha Blank talk about how she fought for the two-hour run-time as a way of reclaiming space for older black women, I take it back. She’s right: Let black women take up space. Let her movie be as long as she wants it to be. GOOD FOR HER.

47. Happiest Season (2020) dir. Clea Duvall - Hoooo boy. What was marketed as the first lesbian Christmas rom-com is actually a horror movie for anyone who’s ever had to come out. Throw in casual racism and a toxic relationship treated as otp, and it’s YIKES on so many levels. Aubrey Plaza, Dan Levy, and an autistic-coded Jane are the only (underused) highlights.

48. *Monkey Beach (2020) dir. Loretta Todd

49. *Little Chief (2020) dir. Erica Tremblay – A short film part of the 2020 Red Nation Film Festival, it’s a perfect eleven minutes that I wish had gone on longer, if only to bask in Lily Gladstone in a leading role.

50. First Cow (2019) dir. Kelly Reichardt – I know Kelly Reichardt’s style, so I’ll admit-- even as I was preparing for an excellent film, I was also reaching for my phone, planning on only half paying attention during all the inevitable 30-second shots of grass blowing in the wind. (And yes, there are plenty of those.) But twenty minutes in, my phone was set aside and forgotten, as I am getting sucked into this beautiful story about two frontiersman trying to live their best domestic life.There is only one word to describe this film and that is: PURE. I’ve never seen such a tender platonic relationship between men on screen before, and it’s not lost on me that it took a woman to show us that tenderness. Reichardt gives us two men brought together by fate, and kept together by a shared dream and the simple pleasure of not being alone in such a hard world; two men who spend their days cooking, trapping, baking, and dreaming of a better life; two men who don’t say much, but feel everything for each other. The world would be a much better place if men showed us this kind of vulnerability and friendship toward each other. Oh, and it’s also a brutal take-down of capitalism and the myth of the American Dream!

51. Wonder Woman 1984 (2020) dir. Patty Jenkins - My most-anticipated film for the past two years was...well, a mixed bag, to say the least. Too many thoughts on it for a blog post, so stay tuned for the upcoming podcast ep where we go all in ;)

52. *Selah and the Spades (2019) dir. Tayarisha Poe

I hope this gives you some ideas to kick off your new year with a resolution to support more female directors!

What were your favorite women-directed movies of last year? Let me know in the tags, comments, or asks!

[phantom-curve]

find the strength, find the melody pt. 7

lmfao I love how I posted an update 2 days ago like “this fic will have sporadic posts! idk when they’re coming!” and then I spent the last two days writing this. when that insomnia inspiration hits ya gotta just go with it!

this chapter went in a completely different direction than I had planned on soooo yeah...honestly not sure where this is gonna end up! the characters from my OC novel that I’m loosely basing this story around didn’t have a connection before they ran into each other so when Julie gave me this I almost cut it because I genuinely wasn’t sure where it was going. I think I’ve almost figured it out and I’m pretty sure I know how this will end. and now we all get to laugh at me together because it’s definitely gonna be more than 3-4 chapters. it might even be more than 6. Luke’s POV will have roughly the same amount of chapters I think, possibly longer because boy oh boy does he have A LOT to say (most of it about Julie). fair warning: this one has an awkward cut off because of the way I need to set up the next chapter. sorry about that.

and now something I probably should be embarrassed to admit: I don’t remember writing the part where I managed to sneak an “I’ve Got The Music” reference in so now we know for sure this show has infiltrated my brain. it’s fine, I’m fine, at least I WILL BE WHEN WE GET A S2!!!! KENNY!!!! SAVE ME HERE!!! MAKE MY UNHINGED OBSESSIONS WORTH IT!!!!!

taglist: @blue-hat-girl, @lwhoscribbles, @bluefyoto94, @5sosmukefan, @moonlightxnder, @leahthewonder​, @kat-maybe-not​, @lukewearingbeanies, @imastrugglingartist​​

It was no small miracle that Julie made it through the afternoon without Ray asking for details about her supposed ‘plan’ to play with the Sunset Curve boys. She didn’t think she would have been able to pull off spinning a story quite as well as Luke had earlier. She had expected at least a small amount of interrogating about when she had started playing again, but apparently the news that she was playing at all, let alone with other people in front of an audience, was enough for Ray to ignore all of the other plot holes involved in this scheme. He seemed to have almost forgotten the meeting with Principal Lessa entirely, humming on the drive home, kissing her forehead and turning her loose to freak out alone in her room while he sat down to work on his computer in the dining room. Julie took full advantage of the time alone to restlessly pace her room and send Flynn a 911 text. Her bestie’s contact photo lit up the phone screen 30 seconds later.

“Okay, I’m hiding in the basement girl’s bathroom, so you’ve got exactly 5 minutes before I get too grossed out to stay here.”

Julie’s chest loosened at the sound of Flynn’s comforting voice. There wasn’t anyone else in the world that loved her the way Flynn did. It was reassuring and made it easy for Julie to let loose.

“Lessa told Dad about the music program and then You-Know-Who ambushed us outside of her office and basically forced me to agree to perform with them.”

“Voldemort was at Los Feliz?!”

Flynn’s gasp was overflowing with sarcasm.

“Flynn!” Julie whined. “Be serious! Luke showed up out of nowhere again! And he did the thing again! The charming his way into getting what he wants thing! And now I have to play with his freaking band! What the hell am I supposed to do?”

There was silence for a moment. When Flynn spoke again her voice was softer, more serious.

“You don’t have to play with them, Jules. You can tell them no, and they’ll have no choice but to respect that. The only person who can make you do anything is you. But...I kinda think you might want to play with them.”

“What?! No!”

Julie’s exclamation was a second late. Flynn didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to. Julie sighed.

“Okay fine. There’s something about Luke that makes me want to play again. Are you happy? He gave mom’s song back to me when I thought it was lost forever. He’s the only person who’s heard me perform it, and he...no one else has ever made me feel that good about my music before.”

Julie thanked her lucky stars Flynn wasn’t in the room to see her blush. There was a long moment of contemplative silence on the other end of the line. When she spoke again, there was that extra note of take-no-shit in Flynn’s voice that made Julie sit up and really listen.

“I think you should give it a chance. Who knows, maybe this is some sort of sign from your mom. You said it was a miracle he would have even found that song in the first place. You said it felt like she was there with you when you were playing. Maybe she made sure it would find its way back to you when you were ready for it.”

Julie didn’t say anything, just worried her bottom lip with her teeth. Her heart beat a little faster in her chest. It had felt a little too perfect to be just a coincidence. The way Luke kept appearing in her life at the exact moments she needed him someone or something to help her keep moving forward. Flynn sighed.

“Look, I’m not saying it is your mom. But I’m not saying there’s not some kind of greater power out there that keeps pushing the two of you together. I think you should give it a chance. If nothing else, you can get back in the music program and we can bring Double Trouble to life in time for our Junior Showcase!”

Julie couldn’t help laughing. Her eyes felt misty, love for her best friend welling up in her heart.

“I never agreed to that name you know. But thanks, Flynn. I’ll think about it.”

“Good. Now. I gotta get the fuck out of this grimy ass bathroom. Love you, bye!”

Flynn waited for her to return the sentiment before hanging up.  Julie flopped back on her bed, letting her breath out in a loud whoosh as she hit the comforter. A glance at her phone told her she only had a couple hours until Luke and the other boys would be out of school and on their way to her house. She tried her best to ignore the way that thought made her stomach roll with a type of nervousness she would rather not name. It was easier to blame it on nerves over playing with new people rather than nerves over playing with Luke. Except...now that she actually thought about it, she had played with Luke before. Her head spun, eyes fluttering shut as she remembered the one music class she had shared with Luke last year.

She had only been a freshman, stuck in a lowly Introduction to Composition class. It was supposed to be for new songwriters. Julie had a little more experience than the rest of the class, after all she’d been kind of composing with her mom for a few years now, so when it had been time to write a duet for their final big project she had gotten paired up with the classmate whose skill level most matched hers. It was supposed to be a way for them to challenge each other and grow as writers instead of one person doing most of the work. Julie had been paired with Luke.

He’d been a grumbly sophomore, held back for failing his last semester of Intro to Comp the year before. He had been stuck there only for the second semester, forced to double up between their class and his second year Composition class. Julie hadn’t been all that excited about partnering with him. He hadn’t really seemed to care about the class at all, and even though Julie also sometimes felt like it was holding her back a little bit, she never once voiced that thought. It was a privileged mindset, and Julie was well aware that she had an advantage over her classmates since her mother was a professional songwriter. Luke, on the other hand, had made it well known that he felt like he was wasting his time just waiting to get through the semester so he could move up to the Advanced Composition class that he felt he truly belonged in. Julie could usually do no more than roll her eyes in those moments.

It was true that Luke was talented. His guitar playing was impressive, his lyrics were heartfelt and sometimes even downright poetic. Julie just didn’t think anyone deserved specific things in life because they happened to be naturally talented at something. Their songwriting experience had been...interesting to say the least. And short. It had ended abruptly when Julie’s mother had died 5 days later. In the end, they’d only worked together for two 40-minute class periods before she had been lost in the fog of grief that consumed her in the weeks following the loss of her mom.

Julie shot up in bed, eyes wide. She didn’t even fully remember what had happened with the half-finished song they had been working on. Errant notes echoed in her head, like a song that had only existed in dreams until now. She absently wondered if Luke had held onto that as well. It was no wonder she had kept that particular memory suppressed all this time. That time in her life had been particularly painful. Luke had been gentle with her though. Almost all traces of his typical arrogance gone in the two short class periods they’d had to work together. He had kept things light, steering their songwriting in the direction of a rock ballad more than a true duet. Julie hadn’t minded. She had been floating through classes by then anyway, on edge every second she was away from her mom’s bedside. It had been easier to work on something that didn’t have as many sappy emotions attached to it.

She groaned, burying her face in her hands. No wonder Luke had been so sweet with her. He must have had a front row seat to her breakdown throughout the last year. She hadn’t even realized it. Had never before seen the way he watched her from a distance, checked in on her during class. She should have. Now that she was thinking about it, trying to identify every instance, she could name a million. How had she missed it for so long? How had he gone so long without saying anything? The Luke she remembered was terrible at keeping his mouth shut. He had always been ready to speak his mind, never afraid to start a discourse. It didn’t track that he had been holding himself back. Unless...it was more about her musical ability than anything else. She remembered now; Luke had been thrilled to partner with her for the duet. He had made some remark about how her sound was the perfect complement to his. Maybe he only cared about the ways they would mesh as songwriters. She could only hope that’s what his words had meant.

She felt more secure in her footing as a musician when it came to dealing with Luke than she ever had as a simple teenaged girl. If it was just about the music she could compartmentalize better, keep herself from getting too emotionally invested. Music had always been a safe zone, neutral. She breathed in and out deeply, remembering the technique Dr. Turner had taught her to slow her breathing and recenter her mind. She could do this. It was just about the music. They would play a song together, Julie would get back into the music program, and life would move forward much in the way it had before. Except Julie would actually participate in class this time. She had the music back in her soul, she wasn’t ever going to let it go again. On her next exhale, she heard the doorbell ring. Showtime. Julie zipped down the stairs, ripping open the door before her dad had a chance to get more than three feet away from his computer. Luke, Alex and Reggie all stumbled back a step as she tumbled outside, pulling the front door shut behind her. The three teenaged boys shared a look.

“Studio. Now.”

Julie raced down the path to her mom’s studio before they could react, not even waiting to see if they followed her. If they were smart, if they truly wanted to do this, they would. She hauled the garage doors open, only turning around when she had the piano at her back. The wood felt warm and solid, almost like she had her mom as a support behind her instead of an instrument. The boys appeared seconds later, Luke leading the way. He stopped a couple feet inside of the studio, studying her with wide open earnest eyes. She let out a deep breath. Reggie spoke up before she could get a word out.

“Woah, Julie, this studio is so cool! It’s like a tiny home! A musical tiny home in a botanical garden!!”

His green eyes were wide, expression awed as he spun to take in the space that Julie and her mom had spent countless hours turning into theirs.

“How did you get chairs on the ceiling?! Are you, like, a witch and a siren?!! Man, you and your mom must have made some serious magic in here.”

Luke’s arm shot out faster than lightening to backhand Reggie’s bicep. Reggie cringed away, a soft owww! just barely audible over the loud sigh Alex let out as he buried his face in his hands. Reggie shrugged, looking back and forth between his bandmates before giving Julie a confused yet apologetic glance. What had he said wrong this time? The giggle that bubbled out of her was as unexpected as it was welcomed. Warmth blazed in her heart, memories of the time she had spent in here with her mom washing over her with a kind of hazy bliss she hadn’t ever experienced before. She gazed at Reggie, letting that same feeling of motherly love from the night before fill her up. It was all she could do not to react to Luke’s jaw dropping when she gave Reggie a soft smile.

“We did. We made so much magic in here.”

The words were gentle and filled with a kind of genuine love that overshadowed all other feelings of awkward nervousness. Alex and Luke relaxed instantly, Reggie’s face losing all traces of uncertainty as he beamed at her with a smile so large it almost looked painful. Julie couldn’t help but let herself return it, just a little bit. The silence that settled between them was more comfortable, the tense moment from earlier broken. Julie studied the boys in front of her. She hadn’t ever thought of them as friends per se. They knew each other, would say hi if they encountered one another outside the walls of the high school, but at the same time, they didn’t actually know each other. Julie’s little run in with Luke the night before had made that painfully obvious. She wasn’t really sure what to make of them.

“Are you guys actually serious about this whole Showcase scheme? Did Luke even tell you about his dumb plan?”

“Hey! That plan is genius. Even your dad agreed. He seems pretty cool.”

Julie couldn’t help the fond way she rolled her eyes. Alex was quick to reassure her that they did, in fact, know about the plan.

“Not that I actually think it’s a particularly well thought out plan.” He stated with a lingering glare at Luke’s back.

The planner in question did his best to ignore the skeptical look on Julie’s face.

“Julie, you really don’t deserve to be out of the music program.” Reggie’s voice was soft and sincere. “You have the voice of an angel. If we can help convinced Ms. Harrison and Principal Lessa to give you your spot back it will be so worth it. And even if we don’t, it’ll be worth the looks on their faces when we rock the pants off that crowd!”

Julie laughed in spite of herself, slightly reassured even as she chewed nervously on her lip. Luke took a few bouncy steps forward, pulling her attention to him completely. His eyes locked on hers and she was sure she was drowning, throat tightening at the look he was giving her.

“You got this. I wouldn’t have come up with this idea if I didn’t believe it 100%.”

Honestly, that was what scared her the most about it.

“We don’t even have anything prepared.”

Her voice was barely a whisper, unsteady and wavering. Luke took a few more steps towards her, Reggie and Alex ghosting along silently a few feet behind him. Julie didn’t even notice, so laser focused on the brunette boy in the cut-up tank top in front of her. She watched his muscles flex as he reached into his back pocket, flicking out a piece of folded up paper in a move scarily reminiscent of when he had given her mom’s song back to her. He bit his lip, head ducking a little to be closer to hers as he unfolded the worn sheets of scrappy notebook paper. She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, focusing on the messy handwriting in front of her.

“I thought you would say that.”

The smile on his face was so soft and sweet it should have been illegal.

“It’s called ‘Bright’. It’s a Sunset Curve song that we never performed because it’s missing something. Look,” his bare shoulder brushed hers as he shifted to point at the notes, warmth seeping through the thin material of her t-shirt, “it’s perfect for your range. I was thinking, if we add a little bit of piano here and here,” fire blazed a path up her arm as his fingers traced along the opening notes and chorus, forearm flexing against her own, bare skin brushing in teasing licks, “it’ll be perfect.”

Julie forced herself to focus on what he was saying, eyes roving across the paper. She hummed a little under her breath, hearing what he described in her head. His eyes lit up when he saw her get it, feet springing up and down as he dipped even closer towards her and started to sing.

We will rise, through the night

You and I

We will fight to shine together

Bright forever

His voice vibrated in her chest, the sound filling her with an emotion she couldn’t fully identify. Alex and Reggie bobbed along behind him, Reggie’s fingers plucking out the baseline on an invisible guitar while Alex nodded along to an unseen beat. Julie could envision the way the song would sound with a complete band, could practically see herself fitting seamlessly into the mix with her piano and vocals. She couldn’t help the smile that curved her lips as she joined in, reading the lyrics off of the page.

And rise through the night,

You and I

We will fight to shine together

“Go up high.”

Luke cut in, fingers twirling towards the ceiling. Julie automatically made the adjustment in notes to harmonize her voice with his for the last line, holding the final syllable for a beat longer than him.

Bright forever

“Yes!”

Luke’s arm pumped up and down, bicep flexing and distracting Julie momentarily. She dropped her head shyly, trying to hide her blush. When her cheeks cooled a moment later she looked back up at the boy in front of her. His eyes were glowing, smile stretched a mile wide as he stared at her. Unconditional belief in her was practically oozing from his pores. She felt her face soften as their eyes locked, giving him her own sweet smile that was meant just for the two of them. She thanked him with a gentle murmur, heart melting as he simply bit his lower lip and nodded.

A throat cleared in the background, and Julie was snapped out of their private bubble by the sound. Her entire face felt engulfed in flames as she looked over Luke’s shoulder to see Alex and Reggie still standing a few paces behind him. Reggie’s face was bright, his sunshine temperament back in full force. Alex was a little more guarded, but he was giving her an encouraging smile and there was cautious optimism swimming in his sage green eyes as he fiddled with one of his drumsticks. She inhaled deeply and let her breath out in one smooth exhale. The same sort of peacefulness from the night before settled over her.

“Okay. Okay, so we’re doing this.”

Luke’s whoop was so loud both her and Alex jumped. Reggie raced forward with a cheer to sling one arm around Luke’s shoulders and the other around Julie’s, pulling them so close to his chest that their noses nearly touched. Julie saw the blush staining Luke’s cheeks and felt her own warm to match. Alex coughed again.

“Reg, c’mon. Let it settle for just a sec before you go all human octopus on the poor girl.”

“Oh, right! Sorry, Jules!!”

Reggie released both of them quickly. Julie flicked her gaze between the three boys, enjoying the glimpses at their band dynamic. Alex’s words had sounded a bit exasperated, but there was a fondness running through them as well. He gave a half-hearted roll of his eyes at Reggie’s abrupt movements and reached his own long arm out to pull the dark-haired boy close.

“Help me unload the van? I still don’t trust our little Lukey boy with my kit.”

“Hey! That was one time!”

Luke sounded downright offended. The dark look Alex leveled at him in response had Julie choking back a laugh with a badly disguised cough. Clearly once of whatever he did was enough. Luke pouted, arms flexing as they crossed over his chest.

“You put your foot through my bass drum, and you think that isn’t reason enough not to trust you with it ever again?”

Luke sputtered, eyes flicking to Julie and back to Alex as his ears reddened.

“I told you I didn’t see it!”

“It’s the biggest part of the kit, dumbass. Literally the hardest thing to miss.”

Alex’s voice was as unimpressed as it was dismissive. Luke threw his hands in the air as the other boys headed out of the studio, laughing amongst themselves. It was clear this was a regular argument between the two, no heat or anger left in it, only a loving sort of tease. Like the way Carlos still brought up that time she accidentally gave him a concussion double-bouncing him off of their neighbor’s trampoline when he wanted something from her. Or the way her Tía would still laugh as she remembered the time her mom had almost gotten them both arrested for a bar fight on her 21st birthday, Ray affectionately filling in the parts that she tried to leave out. Warmth bloomed in her chest. This wasn’t just a band, wasn’t just a ragtag trio of friends. These guys were brothers. This was a family. And they were letting her into that intimate circle.

The thought was both humbling and nerve-wracking. This Showcase was a big deal. It wasn’t just some school assignment. This could impact their future as a band career-wise. They were all trusting her with this, fully believing in her, or at least, fully believing in Luke’s faith in her abilities. She wasn’t sure anyone had ever believed in her like that. Not anyone that hadn’t known her since she was in diapers. Her head swam, knees feeling a bit weak. She stumbled her way over to the couch, collapsing onto it with a barely audible huff. Luke was in front of her instantly, crouched down so they were face to face. His hands twitched in his lap, but he didn’t reach for her.

“Hey. Julie. Breathe.”

She sucked in a breath, zeroing in on nothing more than his face. After a few seconds she realized he was breathing in and out slowly, just loud enough for her to hear over the jumble of thoughts running amok in her brain. She matched her own inhales and exhales to his, the room slowly coming back into focus as her head cleared. He gave her one of those soft smiles she was starting to think of as hers.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. But I wouldn’t have stopped you in school if I didn’t think you were gonna rock it. I heard you last night. I listened to you for years before last night.”

His chin dropped in embarrassment for just a second before he pulled his gaze back up to hers. Julie felt like she was on the edge of a cliff. Not for the first time she wished she knew how long this version of Luke had been lurking under the surface. It took everything in her not to let herself step off that ledge and fall.

“Music is in your soul. It’s a part of you. Not everyone is like that, but you are. Your life without music...”

He tapered off like the thought was physically painful to him, eyebrows furrowing in a slight wince.

“Living without music would be like living in a world without stars: dark and empty and uninspired. You deserve galaxies, Julie. You deserve the chance to shine exactly like the star you are, and the world deserves the chance to hear you. Please, just...have a little faith?”

She saw it then. As he gazed at her with those bottomless ocean eyes, with that special smile on his lips and sincerity bleeding through every word, she knew. Luke was like her. Luke got it. In a way that no one else except her mom ever had. That’s what this was. They were kindred spirits, two sides of the same coin. And that feeling? The wind rushing through her hair and stealing her breath away while her limbs all turned to jelly feeling? That was definitely her falling head over heels off of the cliff and into Luke Patterson completely.

“Okay.”

She breathed out, and his answering smile set off the butterflies she thought had finally left her stomach. He stood up and held a hand out to her, easily pulling her to her feet in one smooth movement.

“You know,” his smile turned rueful, “eventually you’re gonna have to answer one of my questions with something other than ‘okay’. That’s a pretty passive word, and I’m not really a passive type of person. I wanna start hearing some ‘hell yeah’s and ‘awesome’s pretty soon.”

Julie rolled her eyes, moving away from Luke to set up her keyboard. He gave her a bouncy little shrug of his shoulders, and she let the levity of his joke wash over her, releasing the last bit of nerves. She could do this. Luke believed in her. Her mom believed in her. Hell, Alex and Reggie believed in her and she barely even knew them. She could do this, just like her mom had said.

Noise from the other boys making their way up the driveway had her rushing to pull both doors to the studio open so they could haul in Alex’s drum kit. The three of them left together to grab amps and guitars, Julie finishing the rest of the set up in the garage. Before she had time to overthink things or freak out again, they were all settled into their spots and Alex was counting down for their first run through. Fingers against the keys, Julie breathed out, opened her mouth, and began to play.

[emisfritish]

So no offense, but how can you make a post where you say Sarawat's not to blame for everything in that last train wreck of an episode. Especially when all the fandom agrees on something, you don't even see ur in the wrong then ? How delusional are you ?

Hi dear anon ! (I assume that in your eagerness to send me this message telling me how delusional I am, you forgot common courtesy, no biggie ;))

First- isn’t it interesting how messages that start with ‘no offense’ rarely come off that way ? Nevertheless, you’re one of four anons to send me messages about the subject of Sarawat in the last episode I assume following this post, so I’ll bite. This might get long, so I apologize in advance, and it will be my answer to all four anons, sorry.

I think it’s important to note that we’re watching the show through Tine’s perspective, so we know everything that’s going on in his head, we know how hurt and insecure he’s feeling, and we know how down he was this entire episode (and trust me, I was right there with you with my heart breaking for him basically the entire episode.) I do think though that because of that, we’re judging the situation based on what we know and not based on Sarawat’s perspective : 

To understand Sarawat’s perspective, I think it’s important to lay the context : he just came back from a trip where he poured his heart out to Tine and made it really clear (in his pov) how much he likes Tine and everything he did to get together with him, all the efforts he made. And because of that, I truly think he didn’t realize that Tine’s insecurities could be causing issues for a good chunk of episode 12, not until they talked openly about it. This is in no way blaming Tine either because truly, insecurities are a b*tch that you can’t control and it breaks my heart that he still doesn’t believe that someone could love him this much, that he’s not a placeholder. But here’s where I think Sarawat was at for a good chunk of the episode. I also believe that because people were (rightfully) angered by a few of Sarawat’s actions in the episode, those have kind of erased the way he behaved for 80% of the episode, which was supportive.

Sarawat realized that something was off with Tine in the very first part of the episode, and asked him to talk to him and reassured him about the fact that he was there if needed. When Tine said that it was nothing, Sarawat probably took him at his word, or thought that Tine didn’t want to talk about it. I can’t really blame him for either of those actions. And again in part 2, Sarawat realized that Tine was still off and when Tine brushed it off again, he insisted until Tine told him he had stomach ache, after which he immediately went to get him some medicine to help him. I know a lot of people had issues with the fact that Sarawat didn’t say anything when Tine stayed up all night upset and listening to music, and I can understand that. Here’s my take on it, of course that scene was heartbreaking because we know that Tine was upset, Sarawat however, just thinks that Tine has an upset stomach. Add to that the fact that Tine was wearing headphones, which could be taken as a sign that he just wanted to be left alone, I can’t really fault Wat for not saying anything then or staying up during the night. We reach the next morning and Sarawat immediately wants to stay to take care of Tine because he isn’t feeling well, he only accepts to go to rehearsal when Tine insists, and even after that he comes back early because he’s worried. 

Now we reach the one moment of the episode where I was actually mad at Sarawat : I was glad that they talked openly and Sarawat tried to reassure Tine that he wasn’t just a placeholder (a thought that hadn’t even occurred to him). But when Tine told him he stayed up crying all night and Sarawat just kind of made light of it, yeah, I was mad. I understand that he was just trying to lighten the situation, but I still didn’t like his reaction and wish he had said basically anything else than what he did. That being said, I also recognize that he’s a human being and he’ll make mistakes. So yeah, I didn’t like that scene very much, but I’m not going to cancel him for it either. 

I know people also had a lot of issues with Sarawat’s reaction when Tine sees him and Pam, and again, I understand a 100%. Here’s the way I see it : From Sarawat’s point of view, we’ve gathered that Sarawat liked her for a while and there was no sign of reciprocation, I don’t think the thought that she could actually like him now even crossed his mind until this very moment. So while I wish that Sarawat had reacted quicker and went after Tine, I do think he was just genuinely in shock. I also think that he was kind of in an impossible situation here : basically either follow your boyfriend because he’s rightfully upset about something that is a non-issue in your mind and ditch your friend who just poured her heart out to you and is obviously distressed, or the contrary. I don’t think either decision would have felt right, and it was kind of an impossible situation.

As to how I can think that way when most of the fandom doesn’t ? You’re right, it does seem that most of the fandom really disliked Sarawat this episode and I completely get where they’re coming from and understand, but I also think I’m entitled to my own opinion. We all watch shows and interpret scenes in different ways, and I just didn’t share the same interpretations. That doesn’t make any of the opinions less valid in my book.

Now don’t get me wrong, episode 12 was definitely my least favourite episode so far, and I really really wish they weren’t springing all of this on us in episode 12, leaving them very little time to treat the situation and resolve it in a way that will seem satisfactory. I’ll make my peace with it and see what they have waiting for us in episode 13, but yeah... I still wish it hadn’t happened that way.

That being said- I stand by what I said : I think this situation was shitty for every one involved, and that Sarawat unknowingly hurt Tine, which he definitely has to make up for (just like Tine unknowingly hurt Sarawat many times in the past btw). But these characters are human and flawed, that’s what I love about them, and I truly believe that this whole situation was caused by misunderstandings, insecurities and hurt feelings and I can’t really blame either Tine, Sarawat or Pam for it all, as unpopular of an opinion as it may be. 

I’ll stop there, but just a piece of advice which is valid for all four anons that I got- Leaving an anon message where you either call the person you’re addressing delusional/crazy or are a bit agressive is maybe not the best way to get your point across. I also hope I don’t need to explain the irony in the fact that you’re sending a low key judgmental/insensitive message to an actual person to blame a fictional character for doing the exact same thing you did, but yeah... the irony is definitely there.  

That being said, I hope you have a nice day and stay safe during this peculiar period we’re going through

[7-wonders]

The Weight of Us

Summary: Dinah’s potion goes to work as Michael ponders his decisions and his relationships with those he cares for.

Word Count: 4333

A/N: An extra long chapter to make up for the length between the previous chapter and this one! Hi friends, happy new year and welcome to another chapter of Mad Love. The prior chapters will be linked below, so if you haven’t had the time to catch up, now’s your chance! Thank you so much for sticking with me on this ride; feedback, likes, and reblogs are very much appreciated if you enjoyed.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14

If Michael’s in agony from merely watching the effects of Dinah’s potion on you, he can’t imagine the agony that you’re experiencing. Although the voodoo queen had mixed a powerful sleeping draught in with the hopes of making the process easier, Satan’s power can easily overwhelm even the strongest of magic users. It’s engulfed Cordelia Goode, Supreme of the witches, as well as Dinah. Michael, too, has found himself bowing to his father’s whims like a flimsy tree branch in a summer storm. For you, a mortal with no remarkable powers, removing Satan’s magic from your mind and body is especially difficult.

There are periods where it looks as if you’re peacefully sleeping, but those are few and far between for the twelve hours that you lie unconscious. Michael refuses to leave your side, even when it seems his heart is being physically torn from his chest from your agonizing screams that pierce the air and the way you thrash on the bed as if tormented from a nightmare that you can’t wake up from. He wants nothing more than to take your pain away, and it tears him apart to know that he can’t. It especially hurts to know that he’s the cause of this pain: not only because you’re his wife, but because he’s the one who got fed up and went to Satan in the first place. Michael doesn’t even know what’s truly going on in your mind, Satan’s wards still clouding any of the thoughts that were once so easy for him to pick up on. 

Somewhere, deep within the recesses of your mind that Satan was not able to lay claim to, you note that you’ll have to thank Dinah for the potency of her potion. You also decide that, if you survive this, you’re going to march yourself down to Hell and give Satan the beating of a lifetime. Although there are times where you are genuinely asleep, they are rare. All you feel is pain. A blinding pain that makes it feel as if every nerve in your body has ignited into flames that are persistent, yet slow-burning. 

Being burned alive from the inside out, however, doesn’t compare to what you’re sure is your brain tearing itself apart. The potion and Satan’s influence are waging a nuclear war in your mind, attempting to restore your psyche and mold it to the will of an foreign entity, respectively. It’s almost like you’re a ragdoll that’s being tugged between two petulant children, nearly losing an arm while having no say in what’s going on.

There are times where you almost believe that you can hear Michael crying, pleading with you to come back to him. While it’s a nice thought, the Antichrist begging, you believe it to be simply a pain-induced delusion. After all, the demons that dance in your head and burn you at the stake, the seven-headed monsters rising out of the sea and devouring you whole, the inky blackness that envelops you and leaves you blind to find the source of the deep, otherworldly laughter that rings in your ears for hours and hours; those are delusions, mere imagination working your pain into farcical scenarios. What’s more farcical than Michael Langdon crying and begging?

Just as suddenly as you were pulled into the waves by the sharp pain in your chest, you’re thrust back onto the shore with one last jolt of pain. Your eyes open slowly, cautious of any of the creatures that your mind had conjured up journeying with you back to the land of the living. The first thing that you notice upon your vision clearing is Michael.

He’s sitting in a chair next to you, head down on the mattress and hands clasping tightly onto your left hand. It looks as if he’s asleep, but he immediately sits up upon feeling your fingers flex within his grip. His eyes are wide and glassy, dark circles under his eyes completing the look. His beautiful blond locks are disheveled, and you would make a joke about interrupting his beauty sleep were it not for the confusion you’re experiencing right now.

“(Y/N),” Michael breathes, not believing his own eyes. “How--how are you feeling?”

“I’m...I’m feeling,” you’re about to say ‘okay,’ but the unexpected lurching of your stomach erases that thought, “like I’m going to throw up,” you gasp, sheer will keeping you from puking all over the blankets on the bed.

Thankfully, Michael does not think twice before producing a bucket out of thin air and placing it in your lap. You clutch at it like one would clutch a life preserver while bobbing in the middle of an ocean, your knuckles going white from the strain as you lean over the bucket and proceed to lose the contents of your stomach.

As Michael keeps your hair pulled away from your face with one hand while using the other to rub circles on your back, you’re struck with the similarity between this and the occasion where you threw up just outside of the Murder House’s property. You’re still invariably confused, but the comfort of Michael’s presence helps to ease the confusion as you continue to throw up until you have nothing left.

“I’m sorry,” you mutter between gasps of air, looking at Michael with a flushed face and watery eyes.

“This is a good thing. It means that your body is fully rejecting any sort of hold that Satan has over you.” 

Once it seems that your vomiting has stopped, with nothing left in you for your body to expel, a simple wave of Michael’s hand is all that it takes to send the now-ruined bucket back to wherever it came from. He helps ease you back against the pillows, pressing a damp cloth to your forehead to help cool your burning skin. 

“Michael,” you ask, “what happened?”

He chooses to ignore your question, instead handing you a water bottle. “You need to drink some water.”

You comply, considering you’re actually very thirsty and your throat burns from the bile that crawled its way up. Drinking half the bottle in a few quick seconds, you look expectantly at Michael. “Happy?”

“I am now.”

“Tell me what happened.” It’s difficult to try and force Michael to do something that he does not want to do, and you almost think he’s going to change the subject once again before he places his hand on top of yours.

“What’s the last thing you really remember?”

“Going to your Cooperative event. After that, everything just feels like some weird, vague dream.” Dread slowly seizes at your heart. “You’re scaring me. What happened at the event?”

“It...seems as though Satan managed to influence your mind. You had left to go and get some air, although I don’t know if you remember that.”

“Vaguely.”

“While you were out there, a waitress, who was possessed by my father, gave you a drink that he had, for lack of a better word, poisoned. It’s my fault; I should have been more vigilant, especially after what had happened with Satan making his displeasure obvious to you.”

“What did he do to me?” Your voice comes out as a mere whisper, and you’re a little worried that you might throw up again.

“He,” Michael’s voice breaks, and he takes a moment to compose himself, “actually, you know what? Say something mean about me.”

You can’t help but look at him like he’s crazy. “What?”

“Say something mean about me! You already do it unprompted, so this shouldn’t be an issue now.”

“Okay, first of all, I would hardly say that they’re ‘mean.’ I prefer to call them well-timed, mini-masterpieces of the English language. Second,” a slow grin spreads across your face, “your sleep deprivation must be affecting more than just your looks, because I’m pretty sure you’ve officially lost all of your marbles if you’re asking me to come up with verbal barbs.”

With a choked laugh that sounds like it’s mixed with a sob, Michael lunges onto the bed and wraps you in his arms. Somehow, you’re even more confused than you were when you first woke up, but you welcome the change in his demeanor.

“Aw, you finally learned how to hug.” Michael squeezes you tighter, and now you’re laughing too, although you’re not sure why either of you are laughing.

“I’ve never been so pleased to hear you make jokes at my expense.” He pulls away from you while still keeping hold of your arms. “(Y/N), Satan took hold of your mind. Basically, for lack of a better term, he slipped you a glorified love potion.”

“A...love potion?” He nods. “How did you find out?”

“You were very affectionate, and originally I had assumed that you had consumed too much alcohol.”

“That does sound like something I would do when drunk.”

“It was only when you, um, attempted to seduce me and subsequently confessed your love to me that I figured out that something was wrong.”

“Oh no, did we--”

“No! No, we did not.” Suddenly, the odd scenes from what you originally thought to be an unexpected dream, flashes of hands tugging down the strap of your dress and soft lips pressed against your skin, make sense.

“But we made it to second base.”

“We...didn’t play baseball?”

“Oh my god, you are actually going to kill me.” Rolling your eyes, you sigh heavily. “Second base is--” Michael’s wide, innocent eyes make you feel like you would be the dirtiest person alive for saying that second base is groping, so you choose to mime groping invisible breasts with your hands.

Predictably, Michael turns red. “Oh. Then yes, second base, but no further. Before we could...make it to third--”

“Stop with the baseball innuendos,” you groan.

“After I had removed your bra is when you very passionately told me that you were in love with me. That’s when I stopped.”

There’s so many questions running through your head, but you can’t fully decide on where to start, so you just nod. Michael can tell that you’re attempting to get a grip, and blessedly gives you time. He silently pushes you to drink more water, which you absentmindedly do as you pick at a stray thread on your blanket before finally figuring out a good starting point. “How did you snap me out of it?”

“I called in a favor from a friend of mine.”

“Wait, Dinah Stevens wasn’t just a figment of my imagination?” That was one of the more fanatical parts of what had convinced you was a wild dream. After all, a daytime television queen showing up in the middle of the night has to be something made up.

“No, she was not. Dinah also happens to be the voodoo queen of New Orleans. She made a potion to help counteract and remove the poison that Satan had given you. As of right now, it looks like it worked.”

“Hopefully. I feel like me.” Michael, always able to tell what’s on your mind, remains silent. “Michael?”

“Hmm?”

“Why did you call Dinah in the first place?”

“I’m not nearly as powerful as my father, and Dinah has extra power and preternatural beings at her disposal. Think of it as a loophole past Satan’s powers.”

“Okay, that’s cool, but also not what I meant. You...you’ve wanted me to be as in love with you as you are with me since the day we met. According to you, we’re fucking soulmates. You got what you wanted! I mean, according to you, I loved you unconditionally. Why did you give that up?”

“You’re right. I finally had everything I wanted. And I will admit to you that, before I realized what my father had done and you were telling me that you loved me, there was a moment where I was just so thrilled. It felt like all of my dreams were finally coming true. But when you looked at me with your eyes, clouded with the haze of what I’ve come to know as my father’s hold on unwilling subjects, I just--” Michael cuts himself off, standing up from your bed and running a hand over his jaw as he walks towards the opposite wall.

“Michael.” Your voice comes out softly, and you shakily stand up from the bed to check on him. “Hey, it’s okay. You can talk to me.” He flinches when you put your hand on his shoulder, but otherwise doesn’t move.

“You weren’t you anymore.” He whirls around, and you can finally see just how broken this experience has made him. Michael’s eyes are rimmed red, like he’s been crying on and off for a while now. His hair is frizzy, as if his hands have ran through it one too many times. You notice that his hands shake when he holds onto your arms; all signs of an extremely haggard Michael. “All of the things that I love about you--your spirit, your devotion to the people and things you care about, your wit that somehow manages to simultaneously piss me off and endear me to you even more, and how, no matter what, you don’t give up--those were taken away when Satan meddled with your mind.”

“It’s not your fault, Michael.”

He doesn’t hear you. “You’re the only thing in my life that doesn’t have to do with my father. You’re pure, in that aspect. He couldn’t touch you, and I think that’s what made it so easy to fall in love with, not just the idea of you, but the real you. The version of you that my father believes is perfect for me--some Satan-loving bride who lives only to please me--terrified me. It wasn’t you. I’ll take you barging into my office and calling me ‘Mikey’ over what I saw last night every time.”

Not a single word comes to mind as Michael explains his reasoning to you. You can’t decide if you should hit him for getting you into this mess in the first place or if you should thank him for getting you out of said mess. Overwhelmingly, however, you’re struck with the realization that Michael, who has been controlled by Satan his whole life, deliberately went against his father’s wishes. If this would have happened at the beginning of your marriage--if the bonding ritual the night of your wedding would have worked--there’s no doubt in your mind that he would have been ecstatic. Most likely, you would still be under whatever thrall was meant to be put on you then. Now, the dynamic between you two has changed immensely, and you’re not quite sure if that’s good or bad.

“You…” you trail off, swallowing thickly. “Thank you.”

Michael awkwardly clears his throat, not used to sharing vulnerability with anyone. “You should lay back down. You went through a lot, and you need to rest.”

“But I--” A buzzing sound cuts you off, and you glance around the room in confusion.

“Oh!” Crossing over to your nightstand, Michael holds up your charged phone. “Your phone’s been going off pretty often. Obviously, I wasn’t going to check your notifications or respond to any messages, but I did see that your friend Mallory had texted a couple of times.”

With no choice but to crawl back into bed (an appealing option, if you’re being honest), you take your phone from Michael and begin to scroll. You don’t really care about the social media notifications, but you have a shocking amount of texts. There’s a couple from your mother, complimenting your dress from last night and asking if you had fun. You’ve been as vague as possible about Michael, but couldn’t resist showing off how beautiful the dress was. 

The majority of the messages, however, come from Mallory and Kate. You let them know that you were going to an event as Michael’s strictly-platonic date and, naturally, they had freaked out. Up until you had been poisoned by Satan, you had been diligently providing them with the requested updates. Naturally, going completely silent had driven your two friends crazy. There’s at least ten messages from each, and that’s not to mention the group chat. 

“Are you hungry?” Michael asks, once again doing that weird thing where he senses your needs before you even know what they are.

“Yes, actually.”

“I’ll go see what the staff has made.” It feels a little strange to be alone for the first time in almost a day, so you busy yourself with responding to the group chat instead.

“Sorry for not responding, I ended up eating something bad and getting food poisoning :( Thanks for checking in on me, though.”

It’s barely a minute later before Mallory responds to you, “so...no kissing?”

While you definitely did a little more than kissing last night, you’re not going to tell them that. Before you can text back, Kate replies, “lmao why does that remind me of the guy who says ‘so no head?’”

“No, no kissing,” you text.

“Well shit.”

“Are you feeling better, though?” Mallory asks.

“I’m getting there.” You feel bad for having to be so ambiguous with two of your closest friends, but it’s dangerous for them to know any more.

“Do you want us to come by? Friends are the best cure for food poisoning.”

You let the text go unanswered, setting your phone down next to you as you think about Mallory’s offer. While you would love to have your friends come over, you can’t help but to wonder if inviting them over would invoke more questions than answers. You haven’t exactly told them that you’re living with Michael, and they would inevitably end up freaking out about both that and the size of the home in which you are now living.

Michael pushes the door back open, holding a tray with two steaming bowls on it. “There was soup downstairs, I hope that’s okay.”

“That’s perfectly fine.” He hands you a bowl before sitting down next to you with his own.

“You didn’t miss any important messages from your friends, then?”

“No. It was easy enough to tell anyone that asked that I had food poisoning.” You take a sip of the soup, cursing the kitchen staff for their amazing cooking skills that they most likely acquired after selling their souls to Satan. “But…”

“Yes?”

“Kate and Mallory want to come over to see me.”

“I don’t see a problem with that,” Michael says, a clueless look on his face.

“For starters, they don’t know that I live with you. They already think I’m hiding a relationship with you, and the fact that we live together would only solidify that in their minds.”

“You can just tell them that the rent on your apartment was going up, you were in a tough spot, and I offered my home to you,” Michael smirks. “And don’t worry about the size of the home. After all, I am in line to take over my father’s successful business, remember?”

“It won’t bother you that some people know where the Antichrist lives?”

He hesitates. “While that could potentially cause an issue, I don’t see why they would figure out my true lineage just by visiting.”

“So you’re fine with them stopping by?”

Michael sighs, “yes.”

“It’s a good thing the pentagrams and Satanic imagery are all restricted to the rooms that you frequent.”

“Yes, because however would we hide those pentagrams without any sort of supernatural help?” Michael dodges the pillow you throw at him with ease, smiling as he stands from the bed. “If you believe they’re trustworthy, then by all means, invite them over.”

You send the two a text with your address, along with a message warning them that “you guys are going to freak out, but please reserve it for after you get here and I explain some things.” They each respond almost immediately, confirming that they’ll be over in a few minutes. There’s nothing to do but finish the supper that Michael is pointedly staring at in a silent attempt to get you to eat, so you do as requested while engaging in your other favorite activity with Michael: playing iMessage games. 

An hour later, the doorbell rings. Since Michael had sent the majority of the staff home when Dinah arrived last night with strict instructions to not come back until Monday, he offers to go and let your friends in. Michael returns with your friends, Mallory with wide eyes and Kate with a grin on her face.

“Do you need anything before I retreat to my room, (Y/N)?” Michael asks.

“No, I’m fine.”

“Alright,” he smirks, glancing at your awestruck friends. “Text me if that changes.” Michael closes the door as he leaves, and Kate and Mallory immediately jump onto your bed with you.

“You have a lot of explaining to do!” Mallory exclaims before pausing. “Only if you’re feeling better, though.”

You roll your eyes teasingly. “Of course I’m feeling better, or else I wouldn’t have invited you and Kate over.”

“Good.” You’re sandwiched between the two, backs against the headboard as Kate and Mallory settle in beside you. “First things first: you’re living with Michael now?”

“Yeah, what the hell happened to your apartment? And your cat?” Kate asks.

“Okay, my cat is perfectly fine; she just likes Michael more than me now and is currently following him around,” you explain with a laugh. “The reason I had to move is because my landlord was converting the apartments into condos, which meant my rent was going to go through the roof if I stayed there.”

“So where does Michael come into the equation?”

“I wasn’t able to find an apartment in my budget, and he lives alone in this huge house that his father basically gave him. He offered to let me rent from him for less than what I was paying for my apartment, so I took it.”

Mallory cocks an eyebrow. “I know you’ve mentioned it before, but we were also a little drunk that night. How the hell does Michael’s dad have all that money? I saw the black Ferrari in the driveway when we pulled up.”

“I...don’t know.” Not exactly a lie. “His dad’s in business that I couldn’t begin to figure out--”

“Mafia?” Kate interjects.

“No. It’s like, finance or investing, something similar to that. He does lots of buying and selling, from what Michael told me.”

“And he just gives Michael anything he could wish for?”

“I know it seems like he’s just some spoiled rich boy, but he works really hard. His father’s really tough on him, he’s training Michael to take over the business once he steps down.” Again, you’re not lying, but you’re not telling the full truth. You’re not proud of it, but it’s what needs to be done.

“But there’s nothing going on between you two,” Mallory says with a sly smile. 

Leaning back, your groan turns to a laugh as Mallory and Kate both sling an arm over your shoulders. “I know what it seems like, but I promise we’re just friends! I was in a tough spot, and Michael offered to help me out. That’s all it is.”

“Does the mystery man who your earlier problems pertained to,” Kate references the advice they had given you after your movie night meltdown, “ and who, although he sounds a lot like Michael, isn’t actually Michael, know that you’re living with another guy.”

“Yes, and he’s fine with it.”

“You two are totally going to kiss.”

“If they haven’t already,” Mallory chimes in.

You visibly cringe. “You guys are making me wish I was still in the throes of food poisoning.”

“You wouldn’t puke on us! You love us too much.”

“Doesn’t change that I would absolutely puke on you if you talk about me and Michael like that again,” you retort. “Aren’t you guys supposed to be making me feel better?”

“We are!” Kate says in a sing-song tone, sticking her tongue out at you before grabbing the remote off of your nightstand and handing it to you. “I bet a heaping dose of Gossip Girl would help cure you.”

“I think you’re right.” Queueing the show up on Netflix, you pick one of your favorite episodes before settling in for quality bonding time with two of your closest friends.

It makes Michael smile to hear the giggling and talking emanating from your room for the rest of the evening. You deserve to be carefree and enjoying time with your friends, especially after what he’s put you through. He knows that he’s going to be in deep trouble with his father, and is honestly shocked his consciousness hasn’t been snatched to Hell yet for a conversation with daddy dearest. He also wonders about how he’s going to tell you that it was he who first sought out Satan’s advice on the matter, and nearly carried out the original plan. Those are worries for tomorrow, though. For now, you’re alive, and living with free will. That’s all that Michael could ever want for you.

Still, he can’t shake the feeling that something’s off. Everything seemed alright after you had finally woken up, but he can’t shake the dread that sits heavy in his chest. Maybe it’s because he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, or because there’s complete strangers that haven’t been vetted by the Cooperative in his house. 

Whatever the reason, Michael’s anxiety seems to stem from one of your friends-Mallory, he remembers you introducing her as. Something about her seems off, as if there’s a safe surrounding her head that he can’t seem to break through. The energy around her reminds him of energy he’s only felt when faced with Cordelia and her gang of witches, but your friend doesn’t seem to possess any sort of magic that he can feel. It’s troubling, and while Michael trusts you completely, he’s still determined to figure out what Mallory is hiding.

//

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[spiritualpower]

spiritual power for a beautiful life

What do i imply with the assistance of religious power? Take into consideration those human factors-power, strength, skill, skills and overall performance. All 5 of these need to be within the appropriate region to recognise achievement in life. There could be no such discussion in an animal's life. The procedure of self-assessment and self-development is that the most truly effective present given by god for human existence. No animal can ever consider or accept as true with the technique called self-evaluation and self-improvement. Exactly what do we imply by utilizing that spiritual power?

 Improvement is an outside issue and improvement is an indoor consider that you apprehend that which you are doing is some distance more than that which you wont to do. I'm not the usage of any big philosophical words or religious explanation. Improvement can be quite a opportunity handiest you've the vitality to guage yourself from status to what you should love to understand.The five energy vampires: aside from what percentage ever talent or skills you possess, you'll not be prepared to perform once you've got any of these mentioned 5 defects (which i might desire to period of time as power vampires): fitness, melancholy, fear, doubt and fear, anger & guilt. Out of the , simply one is physical and consequently the residual each one is intellectual. Furthermore, health is that the very best point as a means to be linked to animals due to the undeniable fact that additionally they suffer as a result of diverse external elements. 

The past 4 can be quite a possibility best in people. Fitness: no-one can ever blame anybody for no longer having well-being.In preference to taking self-duty, they blame the society, neighbours, the leaders or all and sundry for example, for devoid of the capacity to specialise of these fitness. We fail to recognise that it's our incapacity to specialize in health-notwithstanding realizing that oahu is the important and fundamental useful resource to appreciate what you may would like in life regardless of one's past overall performance, skill or talent. I wants you all to follow one simple aspect in your community of health. I am no longer insisting you to start doing what's precise for you, however i'm insisting you to save you doing what is no longer suited to you. Just in case there isn't a clear cause to utilise your power, it clearly way you're wasting it. Don't contain in just about any action with out a clear rationalization of “what i'm doing and why i'm doing it&rdquo ;.This enables you to chop down the wastage of strength which can not simplest allow you to deal by having an sincere fitness, but also assist you to regain the fitness that you simply honestly have lost. Despair: despair is nothing however a experience that you merely are not geared up to do what you should really like to attempt to to (that you're able to doing). This problem mightn't best suck the electricity that you genuinely have gained however also immediately influences the immunity of the body.Melancholy additionally happens after you lose your loved ones. Among both of these regions, one has no manipulate over the opposite.It is a acknowledged incontrovertible undeniable fact that everybody has were given to transport far from their human frame to the adventure of the soul, however nevertheless our thoughts won't take delivery of the very most truth straight away. 

That is regularly in that the religious exercise lets you clearly receive and remember that brooding about that which you have misplaced or brooding approximately that which you are not able to try and to is not attending to aid you in just about any manner, as an alternative it will simplest smash the prevailing goodness of existence. Fear, doubt and worry: those 3 elements are the opportunity only there's an unfulfilled choice. There's no such aspect called preference in an animal's global. We citizenry can by no means depart without a desire. We may additionally call it with the assistance of different names like cognizance, intention or vision. I am now not speaking approximately economic abundance or bodily ownership. Permit's point out simple dreams type of a determine wanting their youngsters to attain proper marks. Most of us eager to experience comfort kind of a vehicle, personal house, and so on. Might be a preference. No human can count number their goals or exactly tell what number are fulfilled or what percentage are unfulfilled. Nevertheless they understand that they desire a fear for many times , uncertainty about the long run , or fear approximately the beyond. Of these arise because of unfulfilled goals. With proper meditation and clean imaginative and prescient, you may gain the facility that occurs all of the dreams. This could additionally offer you the energy to cast off all of the unwanted dreams. There after, your complete recognition are going to be in your desires and to shape positive that they are fully fulfilled. That is frequently feasible best thru conviction which is often experienced only via meditation. In every other case, in spite of getting the energy to experience the requirement , you'll stay without worry but you will have worry and doubt approximately the long term.Many unexplainable fears and doubts will stay in the thoughts which can be removed simplest through the best kind of meditation. Anger:

 whilst all the above factors are understood, this is frequently wherein one lives without anger and guilt. Anger is just the energetic kind of fear and doubt, and every doubt and fear is that the passive kind of anger and guilt. The primary thing you wish to recognize about anger is that the reason behind it. There is no use of controlling anger without understanding the main reason.While some thing is not going on as based on your expectancies, or after you aren't sure about your future, you routinely explicit anger. The explanation behind each anger is, again, health, depression, fear, doubt and fear. Guilt: you being disappointed with something or someone which influences you is recognized as anger, however, you being dissatisfied in your very own self is guilt. Guilt is related with the past. It's either what proceeded to you or what you've got carried out to someone before which affects you within today's or visits make a splash on you in the future. 

That is frequently where the knowledge about the soul and karma offers you all of the facility to stand the guilt due to the fact with this particular statistics , you can remember that aside from how many errors you've dedicated before, you'll still remove the outcomes of the beyond karma and produce a life you'd like to measure in the destiny via doing some thing inside today's with complete conviction and recognition. That is frequently feasible best with the spiritual energy. You have were given to remember that non secular existence doesn't mean renouncing the sensible international; as an alternative, it is a life style alteration sooner or later of that you gain spiritual strength to get rid of of the five defects. In today's world, the term ‘spirituality'possesses a polluted meaning. Virtually , the everlasting fact of spirituality is not deed from existence; it's as an alternative having the vitality to win atlanta divorce attorneys section of life. Therefore, i would like most of you to understand that the above five defects can impact you at any point of it slow in case there isn't the immunity to resist them. Meditation with clean vision is not best a religious exercise, however is that the immunity for an honest life. So, inform yourself that regardless how terrible your past changed into or how large your trouble is, with the know-how about self and consequently the realistic technology of karma, anybody is blessed the capacity to degree a existence freed from these defects and reap extremely hard success in each factor of life.

[ceruleanwhore]

MLB rant

     At this point, I am genuinely pissed at Miraculous. Among other things, Thomas has wrecked the quality of the show over shipping bullshit with episodes like weredad and, in the process, fucked everything over so that now, no matter what happens or who ends up with who, it’s going to be shit. In a lot of ways, he’s done to Miraculous what Bryke did to Avatar in the comics- ruined established characters and the overall story by trying and failing to take care of the relationships/shipping. At this point, Marinette’s character is so awful in relation to this that I truly can’t fathom how Adrien and Luka can still tolerate her, never mind actually like her. Where she should have been steadily improving this whole time, she is instead getting much worse. This, of course, is because the show is constructed such that there is only the few main plot aspects everything revolves around (Hawkmoth and the love square) but, even though Astruc is clearly trying to drag the show out, he isn’t adding any other layers to the show to make up for how flat it is, so in the process of keeping those main plot points static, he has ended up fucking over his own show and dragging Marinette’s character down. At the start of the series, Marinette was clumsy and socially awkward but in a somewhat endearing way. Now, a school year or so later, she hasn’t improved at all and, in spite of now being Ladybug which would be the perfect catalyst for her character development, she’s genuinely getting worse to the point where, as we see in Desperada, she now acts like she has brain damage or something. 

 The degradation of Marinette’s character is a direct result of Atruc trying to shut down side ships, including some within the love square, in spite of how completely unnecessary it was. He shouldn’t have been doing stuff like that at all, honestly, but things like that should have only been done if and when he was going into the endgame and setting up to finally put them into canon relationships. There are a few ways he could have done this more successfully:     

1. In season 2, after Ladybug flat out rejects him, have that be enough to initiate the process of Adrien moving on and have him be completely over her by the end of the season but leave him single. Meanwhile, from the beginning of the show, it should be shown how the way Adrien constantly says that Marinette is “just a friend” wears on her over time, plus Luka showing up adds another element that would shake things up and leave her feelings for Adrien unsteady. Eventually, maybe later season 2, Adrien would make another comment like that again and that would be the last straw at which point she’d be done. Shortly after that, she’d get together with Luka.

     2.Kinda like what I just described but after Adrien gets over Ladybug and Marinette gets over him, they could get together as Marichat in some rich dramatic irony. 

     So then there is the matter of character development. I’ve already lamented Marinette, but I’d argue that basically none of the characters have any significant character development. Chloe had the opportunity that got royally fucked over, which was probably also for the sake of maintaining stasis, but other than a couple people here and there, there isn’t much to be found. I think this is because there isn’t actually much content, when it comes to this show. About half of each episode is taken up by the akuma and what’s left tends to be more concerned with cute things like Marinette facetiming Alya about Adrien or bringing some macrons somewhere or whatever and, like I said earlier, there are no subplots that would provide more depth to the show and help promote character growth. I think it would work better if a) there were subplots and b) there wasn’t an akuma every episode, maybe just every couple. It gets really boring and repetitive to have half of every episode be basically the same and take up so much space so that there isn’t room to put in real shit and character growth around it. 

     Regarding Chloe, if they were going to give her a fucking miraculous, they should’ve been planning on using that to kickstart her redemption arc. It makes absolutely no sense to trust her with it and then have her proceed to not change at all. All it does is create a shitty situation where this bitch is now a superhero but she’s still a mega bitch so then when she no longer gets to be a superhero, that adds to her being a miserable bitch. Honestly, it doesn’t even remotely make sense why Marinette gave it to her in the first place and when I look back on it I think it’s literally nothing more than pure pandering in response to what people were posting on Tumblr. It would’ve made a lot more sense for her to have had some level of preliminary character development first before Marinette presented her with the miraculous. Also, maybe it could be after she’d made a bitchy comment about Chloe that then got a response that showed Marinette how she was wrong and made her feel bad and this is her way of making it up to her but, more importantly, showing how she’s getting over her prejudice and now choosing to put faith in Chloe and support the progress she and those around her have witnessed. Then, the miraculous and the responsibilities that go with it (plus Marinette’s inevitable end of episode apology) would catalyze Chloe’s continued growth and development but like the amount of growth she’d have already would be enough for her to act more maturely and keep her identity a secret, which would be A Thingᵗᵐ. 

     However, along that same vein, I think it’s absurdly stupid how they really went with the “everyone gets a miraculous (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ *:･ﾟ ” thing. It makes sense to bring in one more but not this bullshit where everybody gets one but only sometimes. Bring on one more, permanently, maybe even add another later on (MUCH later on) if necessary but don’t just have this bullshit where Marinette just picks the flavor of the day. Also, her now being the guardian is the genuine worst decision, period. If it’s really that important to boot Wu and bring in a new guardian, have it be someone else like Alya, idk or, even better, a new character entirely. Wu said he had to be trained so I’d like to propose to have it so that he’s been training one for a while but we just don’t see them because since their training is incomplete, Wu can’t trust them with Ladybug and Chat Noir’s secret identities yet. But jesus fuck, Marinette should not be that person. She’s already quite Mary Sue already, she really doesn’t need that and the episode where she’s able to weild all the miraculouses to just throw in more shit about how she’s so good and so powerful and all that stuff. 

     So, then, there are inconsistencies in the writing, mainly in regards to their secret identities and shipping. In one of the episodes in season three, Master Wu told them they would have to give up their miraculouses if they ever learned each other’s identities, which is incredibly fucking stupid since he then just hands her all the miraculouses and makes her the new guardian. So she’s just supposed to hold that boundary because he told her to when she’s now the one who’d be enforcing it and taking the miraculouses if that ever came to be? So if (when) they learn their identities, she’s supposed to, as the guardian, take Adrien’s and give up her own miraculous but then keep on being the guardian? I think the line from Master Wu was supposed to add drama and suspence but that only works if you don’t go and negate it three seconds later. The other inconsistency that, to me, was glaringly obvious and just as annoying was when Marinette, Adrien, and Kagami went to Andre’s. Back when this guy was first introduced, the way it all worked was that when someone came up, he’d make them an individualized ice cream cone based on the person they love. In season three, all of a sudden, for no reason whatsoever, the fact that it’s three people coming up to get ice cream changes the entire system to some other bullshit all so we can get some over done, in-your-face adrienette vs adrigami tension in which Marinette is a Good Girlᵗᵐ. 

     Then, lastly, I find it extremely odd how there are practically no background characters and that the few there are tend to be recurring. If there are going to be 77+ episodes of “oh no that dude got akumatized”, it would be prudent to have more throwaway background characters to use for the akumas and then only use the main/recurring ones for that intermittently and only when it adds something to the episode and/or the plot as a whole. The classroom kids shouldn’t be the default, they should be used sparingly and with care. Not to mention how it also would be good to have more background characters just so stuff like scenes where they’re in the hallways in between classes don’t look so awkward because there’s just this one class of kids in this entire school (plus Marco) and literally nobody else. It’s a thing in every film or show that has ever been made but in this one, for no reason, there just are no extras and it feels so awkward at times. 

     The way that every single episode is set up the same and how there is that lack of background characters to akumatize so there ends up being a bunch of reakumatizations, plus the way that nothing much actually happens, in terms of plot progression, after season one all make it so that the show as a whole after the end of season one feels really stagnant. It’s like Astruc is trying to hold out and wait to drop actual resolution to any of the main plot points until later on but he hasn’t sufficiently constructed other layers to the story, like subplots, to have it still be engaging. In my opinion, MLB could’ve actually been completely tied up with the whole Hawkmoth business back in the season one finale, based on the content of the show, because there’s just not that much there. It makes me mad because the show has a great concept and I love the characters, but it’s just been shit and it’s not getting better.

[wanderingcas]

summary: Dean is a librarian who hopelessly falls for the shy, mysterious, book savvy grad student who frequents the university library.  in other words: finally, i wrote a librarian!dean au. destiel. 3k. fluff & graduate student cas & dean being a bisexual mess

Dean normally doesn’t make it a habit to read on the job. It’s not exactly discouraged; he’s the only one that works the night shift. By the time 9PM rolls around, most of the re-shelving and tidying up has already been done by the combined efforts of him and the librarian during the previous shift. Not to mention that it’s completely dead throughout his shift until closing time.

So, despite his enormous amounts of down time on his shift, he doesn’t make reading a habit—ironic, since he works surrounded by books. But the university library is deserted, and there’s another few hours to go before he can close up, and there was a book on garden weed varieties that caught his attention.

He’s deeply entrenched in reading about a particularly aggressive variety of crabgrass when someone loudly clears their throat just a few feet in front of his desk.

Dean jumps minutely in his seat and slams the book closed on instinct. He barely makes eye contact with the guy standing in front of him when he asks, “Uh, yeah?”

“One of your computers is broken.” The man hooks a thumb over his shoulder at the row of computers that line the back wall.

“So use another one,” Dean suggests.

The man shakes his head, looking simultaneously impatient and concerned. “I always work on that computer. If it truly doesn’t work after you try, I’ll choose another one.”

Dean finally meets the man’s eyes to give him a very skeptical look; one that always pissed his brother off growing up (“Stop looking at me like I’m speaking gibberish, Dean!”). “You really can’t use another one?”

Raising an eyebrow, the man says, “I’d hate to take time away from your…” he peeks at the title, “gardening book, but I do think this falls under your job description.”

Dean pastes on the friendliest smile he can manage. “Boy, you’re polite,” he says. “If you keep your pants on for two seconds, I’ll help you.” He walks around the desk, carefully stepping past the guy. He narrowly avoids collision with the man’s massive messenger bag as he goes to the computer that’s causing all the grief in the first place.

He does his usual routine when contending with technology: check the plugs, restart it, make sure the wall sockets are working.

“I’m sorry,” the man says behind him. Dean glances over his shoulder to see him pushing his wild black hair back with a nervous hand. “I didn’t mean to be rude. I’m coming off a long shift and have to finish this paper by tomorrow and I’m… I guess there’s no other word for it but tired.”

Dean plugs and unplugs a USB wire. “I’m working this shift after my day job, so I feel you. Apology accepted.”

The man sighs. “Thank you.”

Kneeling under the desk to reset the power strip, Dean asks, “So why this computer? In particular?”

“You’ll think I’m insane.”

Dean straightens and turns to face him. “Try me.” 

The man clutches the strap of his messenger bag tighter. “It’s the computer that’s farthest away from the vent, so there’s no breeze. Since it’s on the end of the table, it lowers the chance of anyone sitting directly next to me. It’s the only one with a CD drive, so I can listen to whatever classical music I pick out from the CD section, while I work. I also like how loud the keyboard is; it reminds me to keep working.” He shrugs. “That’s about all.”

Dean crosses his arms and grins. “You’re right, that is insane.”

Blinking, a slow smile crosses the man’s face. Dean can’t believe he’s only just noticing how blue his eyes are. “Well, I’m not getting a graduate degree in logic.”

“Gross, who would?” Dean pats the computer’s hard-drive. “Well, I’m sorry to say, this guy is toast, for reasons unknown. I can put in a work order to have someone look at it, but it’s definitely not usable tonight.”

Blue eyes nods. Frowns wistfully at the computer. “That’s a shame. I’ll take my chances on another one. Thank you for your help, nonetheless.”

“Sure.” Dean scoots past him to go back to his desk; pauses. “It isn’t a gardening book, by the way.”

Blue eyes looks up from where he’s putting his leather bag on the desk. “What?”

“The book I was reading. It wasn’t about gardening. It was about weeds.”

“Only a gardener would care about weeds,” the man responds.

“Or a guy who is sick of his yard being overgrown by them.”

“Touche.”

Dean clears his throat. “Well, anyway. Just wanted to clear that up.”

The guy nods slowly. “Well… thank you for doing so.”

“Yup.” Dean’s treacherous brain is now noticing the way the guy’s long-sleeved dress shirt hugs his arms; the guy’s full set of lips that are lifting at the corners in a smile. “Okay,” Dean says, louder than he should, “let me, uh, let me know if I can do anything else. I’ll be… there.” He errantly gestures to his desk.

Blue eyes works on his paper for three hours without getting up once. At exactly 1AM, closing time for the library, he gathers his things and departs. He gives a small nod to Dean as he passes. Dean awkwardly waves back.

“Damn it,” Dean says to the deserted library, head in his hands.

Where Dean was once oblivious to the man’s presence during his shifts, he’s now hyperaware. The next shift that Dean sees him, he says, as casually as he can, “Got that computer working again.”

This makes Blue Eyes give a disarmingly genuine smile. “That’s great.”

Dean begins a tradition of shelving returns (a task technically for the morning shift), just so he can move around the floor and find an opportunity to talk to the guy (he never can). He tries pretending the computers really need dusting, just in hopes that the guy will look up and chat (he never does).

So Dean settles on reading. At first it was because it keeps him at the desk, in view of the mysterious man, and bonus points for seeming more intellectual. But it’s what ultimately breaks the ice.

Blue eyes nods his head at Dean as he passes by at the same time he’s been leaving for the past few weeks. Dean gives a disappointed wave, as usual, barely looking up from the book propped up on his desk.

“What book is that?”

Dean slowly looks up, frozen at those blue eyes drilling into him. “Huh?” he intelligently replies.

“The book,” Blue Eyes clarifies with a gesture.

“Oh. It’s by Eliot, I think. Uh…” Dean checks the title. “Silas Marner.”

“You didn’t know?”

“Nah. I just picked it up off the shelf. Tried and true way of discovering a new book.”

The man’s eyes seem to light up at this; Dean’s not sure what triggered it, but he’s not complaining. “George Eliot is one of my favorite authors. It’s a good random choice.”

“Yeah, I really like it so far.” Dean taps the cover. “Normally books from this time period bore me, but I like his writing style.”

“Her.”

“What?”

“Her writing style. George Eliot was a woman.”

Dean scoffs, “Oh, yeah, I totally… didn’t know that.”

The guy laughs softly, “It’s okay. Not everyone does.” Adjusting the strap of his bag on his shoulder, he says, “Let me know what you think of the ending, when you’re finished.”

“Totally. Gives me incentive to finish it.” Dean shifts in his seat. “I’m, uh, Dean by the way.”

“I know.” The man taps his chest when Dean gives him a questioning look. Dean looks down at his own chest; mentally kicks himself when he remembers his nametag.

“Oh, yeah. Well, in case you can’t read, and all.”

Miraculously, the guy smiles at the joke. “It’s nice to meet you, Dean.” he begins to walk from the desk; Dean’s heart sinks. The man turns and says, “My name is Castiel.”

Dean waits approximately five seconds after Castiel leaves to punch the air with his fists. He gives Silas Marner a big kiss. “Thank you George Eliot, you beautiful broad,” he whispers to the cover.

* * * 

This is what Dean has learned in the scant weeks of knowing Castiel:

He’s a graduate student getting his masters in theology while also teaching math at a nearby Catholic high school.

He is addicted to tea (Dean never sees him without it).

He takes six hours every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday night to work on his thesis.

He’s the most damn adorable man Dean’s ever met.

And he only talks to Dean when a book is involved.

It’s only when a book is in Dean’s hands that Castiel stops and talks. Dean wonders if Castiel is shy, hesitant to start a conversation out of nothing; or if he really just prefers books to people (or Dean). Based on how his eyes light up at the sight of a book, Dean is willing to bet money on the latter.

Dean’s always loved reading, just never to this extent. He feels constantly pressured to finish a book quickly; Castiel comes to the library only a few times a week, and always wants updates on what Dean thinks of the book. It even gets to the point where he’s reading at his day job. Bobby finds him in the back office reading Laughter and Forgetting rather than filling out an order, and barks at him to get his head out of the clouds.

Dean takes to reading in his car during his breaks after that.

The eye strain and stiff back is worth it for Cas approaching him over the next few weeks to discuss the books.

Dean knows something’s gotta give. Every time he and Cas talk, he can feel some sort of connection between them (even though it’s all based on books, but whatever, Rome wasn’t built in a day). Cas is clearly too shy to take the plunge; so Dean does.

It’s the fourth Wednesday after he and Cas meet, the third Wednesday of their book discussions, that Dean decides to do it. He’s fidgety his whole shift, unable to stop peeking at Cas above the pages of his book. Finally, 1AM rolls around. Cas walks past with his usual tangled and tired eyes, sees the book in Dean’s hands, and stops.

“What are you thinking of Kunderas?” Castiel asks. He puts his tea on the desk.

Casual, Dean instructs himself. Act casual. “I gotta be honest, man.” Dean leans back in his chair and stretches. “It’s all too political for me.”

“That’s just the surface of it, though,” Castiel says. “There’s so much more, if one reads it carefully.”

“I’m reading it plenty careful. It’s just not grabbing me.”

“To each his own,” Castiel shrugs. “Although maybe you should try his other book, Slowness. It’s my favorite by him.”

“I’ll check it out,” Dean says. He clears his throat. “You know, you seem to have a lot of book suggestions. Maybe you can, uh. Tell me more books you’d recommend sometime?”

“I’ll make a list for you,” Cas decides with a nod.

“No, I mean. A list would be great but it’s—it’s not exactly what I meant.” Dean takes a steadying breath. “Maybe we could talk more about it sometime. Like, longer than a few minutes after my shift.”

“I could attempt to come in earlier,” Cas offers, brow furrowing as he seems to think through that scenario. “My teaching schedule doesn’t allow for much room, but if I were to bring my dinner—”

“No, Cas, listen.” Dean pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m trying to ask you out, okay? On a date.”

Cas blinks. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Dean shifts in his seat. Closes the book and puts his hands on top of it. “I know we both have killer work schedules, but maybe we could find something. Or even like, I dunno, moonlight it and have a beer after one of these shifts sometime. There’s a bar open down the street pretty late, and, uh… yeah.” He trails off when he notices that Cas’ face has froze, blue eyes just staring at Dean. “What do you, uh. Think about that?”

Cas stares for a moment, then seems to snap out of it. He takes a breath, then takes his tea. “No,” he says simply before walking out of the library.

Dean gapes in Cas’ wake.

* * * 

It’s a blow on his self esteem, but Dean licks his wounds and tries to move past it. He’s been rejected before. He can deal.

He keeps reading books, out of some self-flagellation ritual. For a while he tries reading the Kunderas book that Cas suggested.

Cas doesn’t stop by his desk anymore after his shift, whether Dean has a book or not, but he at least has the common courtesy to nod at Dean as he walks past.

It goes on like this, until the sixth Wednesday after Dean and Cas met, until the second Wednesday after Cas rejected him.

The library is deserted, as usual. Dean is not reading that day, instead opting to play Tetris on his phone, his brain and body completely fried from his previous shift at the garage. He doesn’t even notice Cas approach his desk until he loudly clears his throat, making Dean’s finger skate across his phone screen in shock.

“Hey, Cas,” he says, trying to sound as casual as a rejected man can.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas pauses. “The computer. I’m afraid it’s broken again.”

“Oh.” Dean wonders if it’s possible to murder a piece of technology. “I can put in a work order for it.” When Cas remains to stand there, messenger bag clutched in his hands, Dean adds, “I could also try to fix it, I guess.”

Cas looks relieved. “Thank you.” He stands out of Dean’s way as he works his way around the desk and goes toward the offending computer.

Dean tries the usual things: turning it on and off again, making sure it’s plugged in fully, seeing if there’s any updates that maybe is making the computer sluggish. He’s on his back, under the desk and checking the power strip, when Cas approaches.

“I wish to apologize,” Cas says above him.

Dean grunts, trying to get himself at a better angle to turn the power button on and off, “For what, dude?”

“For rejecting your advances two weeks ago.”

Jesus H. Christ. Dean unplugs and plugs the computer cord. “It’s fine, Cas, we don’t need to talk about it.”

“We do need to talk about it, Dean, that’s the trouble.” He hears Cas sigh above him. “I have to admit that I have a crush on you.”

Dean nearly bangs his head on the table as he scrambles out from under it. He’s on his knees, staring up at Cas. “You what?”

“I have a crush on you.”

“Okay. But you said no to a date.”

“Yes, I know. But the fact remains that I have feelings for you.” Cas’ eyes skate away and he shakes his head. “It’s very irritating.”

“Why the hell would it be irritating?”

Cas’ cheeks color. “Because, I.” He shuts his mouth, working his jaw, before continuing, “Because I am on a very strict, very difficult career path. I cannot afford distractions. Furthermore, my previous relationship ended in a bad way and was distracting to say the least, and if that were to happen again it would probably derail my academic efforts.”

“Cas.” Dean holds up his hands. “You’re getting ahead of yourself. I asked you out for a beer, man. It’s casual, okay? Doesn’t have to be anything serious. I just want to get to know you.”

“Get to know me,” Cas repeats. He tilts his head and frowns. “That’s all?”

“Well, yeah.” Dean puts his hands in his pockets and shrugs. “If it leads to more than that, fine. If it doesn’t, that’s fine too. Doesn’t have to like, be a big thing.”

“Oh.” Cas adjusts his bag on his shoulder. “Because you… want to hear my book suggestions?”

Dean huffs a laugh. “Well, sure, and talk about other stuff too. If you want.”

Seeming to think on this for a long moment, Cas frowns down at his shoes. He finally nods. “I think that’d be okay.” He adds quickly, “If the offer still stands.”

Dean grins. “I should say no, just to get back at you.”

There’s a hint of a smile on Cas’ face, the first one Dean’s seen in a while, as he says, “I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

Dean adjusts his weight to his other foot. “So, uh. I guess, give me your number before we can leave? We can work something out.”

Cas nods. “I certainly will.”

As he’s turning back to his desk, Dean asks, “Any books I should read? Before we meet up? You know, to further my education,” he says with a quick wink.

“Hmm.” Cas sets his messenger bag next to an adjacent computer, brow furrowed in thought. His face changes into a grin as he seemingly thinks of his answer. “Maurice. It’s by Forster.”

Dean shoots Cas a finger gun. “Will do.”

He reads it, of course, on the day before their date. The tone is a bit different from Cas’ typical dark and pessimistic recommendations. At its core, the book is essentially about two men who meet, fall in love, and in no uncertain terms live happily ever after.

Dean takes it as a good sign.

[404-potato]

I’m going to share something because I really need to get this off my chest. Please feel free to ignore this - 

... I never really talked about it with anyone because I don’t think I really had it in me to fully acknowledge it even. “Embarrassed” is the best way to describe why quite honestly... as much as I hate to admit it

This... is how I ended up hating a series I loved. And the ship/fandom still makes me cringe because of a weirdly “traumatizing” (? maybe? not sure - i hate using that word/throwing it around;;;) incidents that wasn’t really even about the fandom directly at all?  

tw: relationship mess? 

So before IronStrange, how I used to deal with liking series was through cosplaying. There was a good base for it where I lived and good chunk of my friends cosplay too or at least familiar with the community.

I got into this particular series (that I won’t name here) because a friend (who I eventually got involved in a relationship with) was REALLY into it. It was great at first. I loved the series, it was fun, we cosplayed a pair she shipped hard at the time and at some point I liked it too (I think she’s still a bit obsessed with that pairing actually). 

Basically... she got obsessive. 

It started with the little things like... very...uh... predictable... she didn’t want me to cosplay with other people. She didn’t want me to cosplay with anyone else for this particular pairing. Wanted me to prioritize her during cons... sort of made it impossible for me to be flexible to make plans with any other people. When confronted eventually (the “hey so you know I only have so much time I can give to this hobby- if I make all these plans with you I don’t have time for other friends. We can still do things together but I want to spend time with other people too”)... she made it seem like she would give me space but when time came it was always “I’m not saying you can’t go hang out with your friends but you promised this.” “I asked you first.” ... which by promise btw was her mentioning it some months ago by passing. There were other little things here and there in the con/cos world like if any other friend wanted to put together a cosplay group and asked me she got upset I didn’t ask her to join? Her reasoning was that “well I always ask you so why don’t you.” which seemed like demanding I feel the same way about her as she did for me. ... I know... sounds terrible of me & maybe I should be more sympathetic but... you can’t... demand someone to return how you feel about them or get upset when they don’t? (by the way this was way before we dated even - she also repeated denied she had any sort of feelings for me)

And I honestly didn’t recognize it at first or thought it wasn’t a big deal. I had lot of incident in the past where friends, people I dated, etc. made some... perhaps unjustified demands and I did my best to accommodate if I was willing or situation allowed it. I truly, maybe arrogantly, believed I could fully take care of myself because i always had been that one person who could take care of themselves. ... and there was no possible way anyone could ever “take advantage of me” so to say? in any way. 

Then eventually we started dating. It was casual, lets see where it goes at first. ...then at some point we were in a relationship? ... quite frankly I don’t even remember how fully that came about. (I was not exactly in the best mental state that year due multiple disasters that was going on in my personal life - terrible timing because i let a lot of “red flags” go since I was so tired to fight). 

She wanted me to stop talking to certain friends. One was a friend who we went on couple dates (and it didn’t work out, & by then this friend was dating someone else). But she still didn’t want me be friends with this person. 

...And for those who think you shouldn’t be friends with your exes or not talk to them at all for some reason? F u. Yes it is fully possible to be friends with your ex if you both are at a good place etc. Esp if these people were not even exes per se it was like people you went on a date or two with that you both realized after “hey yea we’re friends not anything more”. 

Little by little I was talking to less and less people, interacted with less and less friends. I stopped cosplaying completely just so I didn’t have to deal with her getting upset at me. I didn’t have the energy. It felt like if I go anywhere I had to invite her. If I made any plans I should invite her. After a while I was so miserable to the point we had huge fights. I literally left the apartment to get away because she wasn’t listening to anything I was saying and all her rebuttal to everything was along the lines of “It’s because i like you so much” etc. 

Yea this whole “being loved” thing to the point they want to spend so much time with you at all times may sound sweet in theory ...but for someone who is an only child (with no distant relatives in the same country), who is used to be left alone to live my life with very minimal supervision since 5 years old, needs a lot of time to myself naturally... it’s a nightmare. But if I said I wanted to be alone or need time to myself suggest I’ll go to my parent’s (not my first choice but ya know... at this point i figured she’ll flip if I said any friend’s)... she’ll try to angrily (very recklessly) drive off saying she’ll sleep at her work parking lot?? or I came back after one of these fights and she had all these scratches because apparently she tried to take a bath with wine and she fell?? ... I feel like I couldn’t even leave. ...typing this now, it’s kinda occurring to me I felt very stuck. She says I can go, I can do things, but... i mean... I can’t?? because then she’ll go off and do something like this. That time she was physically hurt, I know I should feel bad but I honestly couldn’t feel bad. I felt suffocated. I was angry. I felt like she was doing this as some sort of attention seeking... thing. 

Oh and lets not forget comments here and there about how I should let her know what i’m doing all the time, all the change of plans. Example: barely one month after I started at a new job, it was the holiday party. I did let her know I’ll be trying to come home early but please eat without me/don’t wait up. Well as I was trying to leave, I got caught in conversation by my VP and then my CEO... i couldn’t just up and leave at that point?? And I couldn’t answer the 30+ calls I got from her. ...She was pissed. Saying how they waited for me to eat, how I said I’ll be home early, etc. I tried to explain what happened. It’s a holiday party, its loud. I can’t keep looking at my phone when i’m talking to my CEO. I did say i’ll try but shit happens and I can’t update her all the time 24/7...She said she got it but next day would still throw these passive aggressive remarks. Couple of her friends came to visit from out of town, we were supposed to spend the day together with them. I was obviously tired because of the holiday party still and I muttered like “damn i’m tired” by passing... her automatic reaction was “well you shouldn’t have stayed out then.” because in her words, during the argument that followed, we made plans to spend time with her friends so I should have prioritized it at all cost even over the job that I need. Nothing said I couldn’t just leave and come home early, I didn’t have to go in the first place. ...oh idk there is something called work politics??? esp when you are a minority girl working at 80~90%+ white male company. 

Then it all boiled up to a particular bad fight where I said I need her to compromise because I’m ready to lose it... I explained so many things from above that was genuinely becoming so unhealthy for me...  How she said she’ll be better in the past but she continued on, etc. 

...lol... and the first thing she says to that is how she still doesn’t want me to cosplay with other people. I literally had a moment of that’s what’s so important to you??? SERIOUSLY? fuck this i’m not cosplaying ever again. period. Because at that point... because of the whole incident... or many incidents, I had such negative feeling towards the hobby I didn’t want to do it anyways... let alone this pairing she really liked... or the series etc.  god there was... so many more... like the time we went to a bar to have fun, she over drank even when I told her multiple times hey maybe you should slow down... She basically did the whole “drinking excess as an excuse to say what she wants after” “i’m drunk so I’m saying this” thing. So in a very public place, the bar was crowded, there were people all around us, she yelled VERY loudly about how I didn’t seem to want to have sex with her anymore. When I asked her to keep quiet, please can we talk about this elsewhere... she KEPT GOING- LOUDLY YELLING. Hysterically crying. Honestly... considering everything going on... yea I didn’t want to. At some point it did occur to me I didn’t want to have sex at all (and that was whole another level of problem considering I’ve always been very sexual person...) I mean I would have been totally willing to have a serious conversation about this but NOT AT A PUBLIC PLACE WITH STRANGERS ALL AROUND??? I was mortified. (this is also why I stopped going to nice bars... i used to enjoy them. After my early 20s, I didn’t drink to get drunk but I loved visiting creative bars and having a nice drink or two... well... not anymore lol)  Again, these are not even 50% of all that happened with this person. .... honestly this relationship caused me so much issues personally I haven’t even begin to solve. It’s actually to the point I’m considering therapy. 

But yea... sure it may not be the biggest of things but sometimes I’m very resentful I can’t enjoy the series I used to enjoy because I just automatically have VERY negative emotions about it. Same thing with cosplay, a hobby I used to be very happily involved in to relieve stress. I now have this almost... fight or flight feeling when they are mentioned, i freeze... it sometimes feels like something is pressing down on your lungs making it impossible to breath.  

...And this is also why... I started tumblr and ended up seeking company of online people who doesn’t really know me because... yea now I’m avoiding my friends at this point or mutuals with this person since... well, everyone thinks she’s a very nice person, very good for me... because on surface level, yea she does really seem like she likes me, gets me all these nice gifts etc. They still comment from time to time about how I should be doing better. Treat her better. Because if someone screws up in a relationship, given my history and personality, its probably my doing. ...Okay. any normal situation, yea I would say that’s probably true but this? this was not... yea.

[goodnightkisseu]

Chae Hyungwon - Love Contract

→ pairing: hyungwon x reader

→ genre: angst(?), demon!au

→ word count: 5514

→ warnings: a couple of curses and slaps are thrown, but nothing major

→ summary: in a world where making contracts with demons is the norm, through an unfortunate event, you find yourself working for Chae Hyungwon, a demon that specializes in love contracts...

→ masterlist // monsta x masterlist

note: so this fic was the one that I had planned for Halloween, but ultimately didn’t post at the time. It’s based off of a dream I had about Hyungwon, and honestly, in writing it out, it’s gotten a bit out of hand and lengthy ^^”” There is a very strong possibility of a part two for this (the Hyungwon muse in my head is already campaigning for it) but please let me know what you think about it! Let me know if you would like a part two! Enjoy~

- ash <3

It was a relatively easy location to find once you knew what to look for. The building was tucked away, down two narrow alleyways and across a small street. Each of the suites was filled with a tiny office, doing different businesses that ranged from accounting to large prints. However, this particular business was unique. It was the only one in the three-story building that was opened later than five in the evening. 

Taking a look inside, any individual would have thought it was just a typical office. One desk was situated to the right as you entered, a spot where someone working the front desk would have sat, though, the area looked like it was vacant. To the left was a small seating area, furnished with dark pieces and a glass table, all for the clients that would visit. In the back was a door that led to the only independent office in the entire space. Though the furnishings were lovely, filled with clean wood finishes and the most delicate leather, the room was very... average. The strangest thing about the office was probably the reddish glow that started to envelop the space as the sun fell past the horizon. 

Though the atmosphere was strange, you knew you couldn't back down. You came here intending to see the owner, and you weren't going to leave until you did. 

Yet, the moment you entered the office, you couldn't get over how eerily quiet it was. No one came to greet you, and for a moment, you thought the office was completely empty. You were about to back out of the office when you heard the door in the back open, revealing a tall figure. Your attention was instantly pulled towards the slender individual, his strides long but slow. As he came out from the darker areas of the office, you finally got a good look at his face. It was a handsome one, one of a young man, stoic in expression. It wasn't a face you would see on any average mortal, and that was when you knew you had the right person. This was the man your friend had spoken about through her tears. 

"What brings you here?" he asked. The male gave you a once over before his eyes settled on your own. "Are you here to form a contract?"

The mention of the word 'contract' was an instant reminder to the sole reason why you were there. You snapped out of your trance, looking at the male before you with a fire in your eyes. "No. I would never form a contract. However, I do want to talk about a contract that you formed with someone else."  

This seemed to pique his interest, evident from the way he quirked his brow. "Oh? What's the offer's name?"

"Her. Her name is Mijoo. She said that she came here about a month ago and made a contract with you..."

The male nodded. "Yes, I remember her love contract. She told me that she had been distraught over her boyfriend. His feelings for her seemed to be wavering, and she was aware that he was cheating on her. She wanted a contract to try to get him back. I believe that the timeframe she said she needed was... five weeks? If she fails, then she offers her soul up to me."

Your hands balled up into fists as you heard him talk. To him, to this man, no, this creature, before you, this topic seemed so casual. However, for people like you, for mortals, these types of contracts and decisions held a much higher cost. One that a demon, like the one that stood before, would not be able to grasp. For them, whatever their client gave up in return was just a plaything. They didn't think the way that you did, and that's why you could never make a contract of your own with one of their kind.

Even so, many people made contracts with demons. They were a common occurrence in your culture, a part that you couldn't indulge in. Some would use them to get ahead in life, while others used them to wish harm to their enemies. Others still used it on things like love. Each contract came with different stipulations, of course, and there was always caution that should be observed when signing these contracts. Some demons were more truthful than others, though; those that were blinded by greed didn't care. It was something in your society that you abhorred. Everything was already so delicately balanced. These contracts just skewed everyone's ethical compass. Yet here you were, trying to reason with a demon nonetheless. You needed to do this for your friend. You needed to save her.

"She said that your contract doesn't seem to be working. Ever since she signed it, her boyfriend has been more detached. He doesn't even come around anymore. He spends days away from her and doesn't even try to pretend like he loves her anymore. Mijoo is... she's afraid that she won't be able to get him back."

"Then, if she can't do it, she will have to give me her soul three days after her designated timeframe. This was what was agreed upon in our contract," he said simply. 

His nonchalant answers frustrated you, and without meaning to, you lost your temper with him. "You can't just take Mijoo's soul away like that! Your contract isn't working. Everything she expected, the opposite is happening. You signed a fraudulent contract with her, didn't you? This is the only reason why it wouldn't be working!" you countered. You knew that you were challenging a being that was much stronger than you, but if he hurt you, then so be it. At least you would have ended it by trying to help someone so dear to you. Mijoo was all you had. 

Though you had started to raise your voice, the demon before you, peering at you through his raven-black locks, remained calm. "This is not a fraudulent contract. I have given your friend everything she has asked for. My agreements provide the signee with the power of persuasion over the person they name. That power should help her get her boyfriend back," he explained. "However, if persuasion is not working, it can only mean that this girl, the one he is cheating on your friend with, is the one that genuinely owns his heart. No degree of dark magic can help her if this is true."

"But how was she supposed to know whether she could win him over or not? His infidelity has been stressing her out so much that she couldn't think straight. You shouldn't have let her sign the contract."

He shook his head. "I asked her several times during the process if she truly believed that he loved her. I asked her if she knew that this would work. Your friend said that without a doubt, it was possible. It was her own fault that she didn't know her lover's heart could not be tamed."

His matter-of-fact words made your blood boil. You knew that he was right. You knew that he had done everything he was supposed to do before signing this contract with Mijoo. He didn't seem to use any trickery on her, but you were just so mad at the entire situation. You were angry that he wasn't even going to try and help. You were furious that the only person left in your life that cared about you, was about to disappear. Out of rage, your body moved on its own. You raised your hand, and as that fury overtook you, a slap resonated through the silent office. You had just slapped the demon before you. 

Yet, even though the blow was hard, and his head was turned from the force of the hit, he slowly turned back to face you. And once again, those same cold onyx eyes peered deep into your own, which were filled red with rage. "Are you done?" he inquired.

You had expended so much energy through your fury that you now felt helpless and limp. Your body collapsed to the floor in exhaustion, and as the waves of anger were washed away, they were replaced with someone else. Grief. Tears streamed from your eyes and pooled on the floor before you, your sobs incontrollable. "Please... please, you can't take her away from me. Mijoo is all I have left in this world. She means so much to me..." you muttered. 

The demon closed his eyes, letting out a sigh. Though he had dealt with many different cases of heartbreak over the years, they never got more comfortable. This one was particularly difficult because he knew he couldn't do anything about it. "I cannot go back on our contract. Once it has been signed, it has to be fulfilled. Your friend's soul will be mine once her three day grace period following her timeframe ends."

"However, there is one small thing I can do for you, to help alleviate the pain," he started. He watched as you gently lifted your head, your swollen eyes looking up at him through your hair. "Souls are kept here until they are ready to be delivered to the Collector, who stops by once every other week. As he doesn't come by often, you could, in theory, be here to see her off. I will not stop you."

"You'll... you'll let me stay here?"

"Yes, but it will not be for free," he stated, watching as your brow furrowed in confusion. "My receptionist is gone, and I am in desperate need of a new one. If you can work for me for a month while I start looking around for a different one, then you can see Mijoo off to the next part of her journey. You will be compensated for your troubles, of course."

Still in shock by the news, and knowing that you couldn't help your friend any further, you knew that being here for her was the best that you could do. So in response, you gave him another nod, the tears still flowing around you. It was something you couldn't stop, but at least you would be given closure…

Even though you had only agreed to stay for a month, years later, you were still here, working at this office. You never thought that would be the case, though. You were angry with the demon, whose name you learned to be Hyungwon, for a long time. That first week working together had been hard. He expected a lot of you, making sure that everything was correctly filed, that appointments were properly booked. Through your hatred, you had made it all very difficult on him, a way of rebelling against someone that you knew you couldn't overpower. Yet during that entire week, not once did he lose his temper with you. Hyungwon either asked you to fix the mistake, or he changed it himself. 

As the weeks passed, your anger simmered down. A lot of that had to do with Mijoo herself. When she found out that you had taken the job just so you could help her forward, her heart hurt. She knew that there were bigger things that you wanted to do with your life, but to put it all on hold for her... she realized what type of situation she put you in. Her acceptance of her short time left came quickly, and as she grew to accept it, so did you. Hyungwon was right. The best you could do was accompany her in her last few weeks, make sure that she had good memories to take with her. Ultimately, she gave up on her boyfriend and spent the last of her time with you before the Collector came and received her soul. 

At that point, you should have left. You had only meant to stay and have that last moment with your friend. But in working for Hyungwon, in seeing what his job actually comprised of, something about it made you want to stay. It was because you started to understand the nature of his work. 

Sure, the act of creating a contract was something you still despised. You weren't sure if you would ever get over the idea of the types of terms that went into a contract. You were learning, however, that not all arrangements were as bad as you had expected. Case in point, the ones that Hyungwon dealt with. The reason people came to Hyungwon for these types of arrangements was that his deals ran a slightly different course than most demons that dealt in human love. 

General love contracts were, at their core, lust contracts. They would allow a client for a minimal price to enjoy a pleasurable evening with their chosen individual. It gave humans the ability to have a night of fun with no repercussions, and once the night ended, the price was paid. It was an easy way for demons to sign multiple contracts in an evening, mainly if they worked for someone higher up. 

Hyungwon's contracts were different. Rather than providing temporary lust, they endowed his client with the power of persuasion. This power allows them to entice another individual to be with them. His contracts aimed at a longterm bond between two individuals, bringing them together for as long as they saw fit. However, with such a strong ability meant that the contract stipulations had to be more substantial. It required the client to designate a timeframe in which it would take them to entice their partner. If by the end of this timeframe, their ability could not grab ahold of the designated person, they had to pay the price, usually with their own soul. 

Admittedly, from what you had seen, many of Hyungwon's contracts actually ended well. Most that came to him were already in love and were just looking for a way to ensure that their lover would stay with them. Others that came were couples that wanted to enforce the longevity of their contracts. Where things got a bit tragic were the remaining lot. Those that had a one-sided love. Those that wanted to be in love, but couldn't. These were usually where his contracts fell through. 

And with time, there was one other thing you learned that was the most significant hindrance to his contracts. True love. Though it was rare that someone's soul would be taken for this last reason, you had seen it happen on a handful of occasions... including Mijoo's. In Hyungwon's words, 'no form of persuasion can take a heart away from what it truly wants.'

As your hands shifted the papers on your desk, organizing them into the piles that you had grown so accustomed to making, your ears picked up on the gentle chime of your phone's alarm. Slowly, you stood from your desk, papers shuffling as you did so. You made sure that none disappeared into the hard to reach recesses before you grabbed your phone and headed into the kitchen. Before, this area had only been home to a single hot water heater and some tea leave containers. With much convincing from you, it was turned into a full-fledged kitchen. Besides, you even managed to persuade Hyungwon to get a beautiful tea set, mostly as it was for him anyway. He liked having tea at precisely nine every morning. You never asked why. It was just something that you had grown accustomed to doing for him.

When the tea finished steeping, you moved it onto a tray, along with a matching teacup before you headed over to your boss's office. You gently tapped on the door with your knuckles, and the moment you heard an equally soft response, you took it at your cue to enter. Placing the tray down on the nearby table that you had placed there for this exact reason, you opened the door before picking it back up and heading inside. 

"Morning tea?" you inquired gently, though, at this point, you both knew the answer. It had been years of this same routine. You placed the tray down on the corner of his desk before you proceeded to pour him a cup.

Hyungwon's eyes peered up from his papers, his hands lightly placing them down. His gaze lingered on you momentarily before he looked at the tea that you were handing him. "Thank you," he said, bringing the drink to his lips and blowing on it. "I noticed that you were in earlier today. You don't usually get in before I do..."

You gave him a small smile, remembering the slightly surprised look on Hyungwon's face when he entered this morning. It was rare that you got much emotion out of him, but lately... lately he had been opening up to you a bit more. You were quite enjoying it if you were, to be honest. "We had a busy day yesterday. I didn't have a lot of time to organize everything properly. And since a certain someone like to keep everything in paper form, it always takes a bit longer to make sure that it's all neat and tidy. So I came in a bit earlier today to get that all squared away before our new day starts..."

Hyungwon chuckled. "It's an old habit I can't get rid of."

"All of your colleagues have switched to digital documents. I heard Minhyuk making fun of you for being the last one that still has paper contracts."

Hyungwon took the opportunity to take a sip of his tea as he listened to you. Ah, you had made the spring oolong. It as his personal favorite. "Well, if you would like for things to be easier, you are more than welcome to go and work for Minhyuk."

At your boss's suggestion, you couldn't help the way that your face scrunched up. "I'm okay, thank you. I also don't think I quite fit in with Minhyuk's line of work..."

He looked up at you, amused by your reaction. "Do you prefer it here, in this boring office that does things the traditional way?"

"First, I never said it was boring. I do like how quiet it is here, though. And sometimes we do good things for people too," you confessed, eyes picking up on the way that a smile spread across Hyungwon's lips. You had yearned to see his smile more often as of late. It always had a way of making your day just a bit better. 

 "Well, I'm glad that you're here. You make this place a bit brighter," Hyungwon admitted, his eyes meeting with yours momentarily before he lowered his gaze back to the papers before him. "We have some follow-ups today, don't we?"

You gave a small nod, mind trying to pull away from the way that Hyungwon looked at you, and instead focusing on the tasks for the day. "Today isn't nearly as busy as yesterday was. I think there are only a few today, about three or so? Of course, this doesn't count new clientele that might show up..." you said slowly. "Will you be heading out to meet with them?"

The male at his desk nodded. "Going to see them in person is the most efficient way. Please do me a favor and let me know the order that I should see them in. I can take care of the rest," he stated, watching as you gave him your usual eager nod before you excused yourself, heading back to your desk. 

That afternoon had been a quiet one for you. Typically if Hyungwon were there, you would at least hear the sound of rustling paper. But when it was just you, the office was eerily silent. You kept yourself busy, of course. The time alone allowed you to organize the rest of the paperwork from yesterday, filing them into the correct cabinets. You took some time to tidy up the little seating area that you had furnished, where all of his clients sat and waited for him. Hell, this time alone even allowed you to go through some loose paperwork that the two of you had, getting them correctly filled out and put away. Once all of that was done, you were just left to your own devices.

Though you didn't like to admit it, you had grown dependent on Hyungwon's presence. Losing Mijoo had taken its toll on you. Your best friend was your last tether to anything that even resembled a family. Without her, you had no one to turn to. You felt lost in the months following her passing. This job became the one constant in your life, and that was likely another reason why you stayed. 

Having Hyungwon there as a constant also helped. You had grown fond of him, which was something you had never admitted out loud. You paid particular attention to his little reactions towards you. Your heart beats a little faster every time he complimented you. None of these hinted at anything more, at least you didn't think that it did. Though, your relationship with each other was a strange one.

You were jolted from your thoughts when you heard the small bell that you had hung on the front door ricochet off of the surface, the resulting sound far more cacophonous than you were used to. The noise sprung you right to your feet. Though you were up and at attention, you hoped that nothing dangerous came through the door while your boss was out. Much to your luck, maybe, in strolled a woman. She was a bit older, likely the age that your mother would have been if she was still around. She carried herself with an extreme amount of poise, though right now, her expression was anything but regal. It was actually rather harsh. 

"H-hello, may I ask why -"

"I'm here to see that asshole, Hyungwon. Where is he? Bring him out to me this instant," she demanded, her voice getting louder with each statement. 

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but he isn't available at the moment. He's actually out attending to some business. However, if you could wait, or maybe come back in half an hour -" you started, but once again, you were rudely interrupted. 

"Listen, you sorry excuse for a secretary, and human being, didn't you hear a single thing that I said? I told you that I want to see him now. I don't care what he's doing. Bring him out. Now!" 

You could tell that she was seething, just on the brink of exploding. And while it scared you, you were also upset. Not many humans opted to work with demons. Though the formation of contracts was typical, those that worked for them... were usually seen as morally questionable. There was definitely a stigma there, and she just had to insult you with it. 

Riled up with your own emotions, you were about to speak up, trying to remain professional. However, before you could make any efforts to calm the woman down, the front door opened. You dreaded what would happen if it was another potential client, your mind not able to process how to handle the situation. Instead, much to your surprise and relief, the person that walked in was Hyungwon.

"I'm here now, so I would really appreciate it if you stopped yelling at her, Mrs. Yang. She had done nothing wrong," he said calmly. Momentarily, his eyes met your own, and he moved his head to the side, gesturing for you to sit back down. He could tell that you were hesitant, but you eventually did as he suggested. 

The woman let out a dry laugh. "No, you're right, Hyungwon. This girl human girl that you managed to entice to work here has done nothing wrong. This is all because of you! Everything that has happened is your fault!" she screamed.

"Please, Mrs. Yang, my office," he said calmly. You could tell that she was about to explode, about to lash out at him right there, in front of you, but she didn't. She obediently followed Hyungwon into his office, the door swiftly closing behind them.

Though you knew that Hyungwon could handle himself, you couldn't help but be a bit worried. As they argued back and forth in his office, you couldn't hear his responses to her, but you could definitely hear Mrs. Yang. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. She said that his contract was unfair, that it didn't work the same way that her contract with him had. The woman called him a fraud and said that he was just like every other lowlife demon that made a living off of humans. You couldn't hear the words that followed, but what you did hear was what happened after. A cry of anger as a hand made contact with flesh. Twice. 

You winced at the sound, knowing this reaction well. You had experienced it while working with Hyungwon on several occasions, and it had been your own reaction as well. Still, you stayed where you were, knowing that he wouldn't want you to rush in there. If anything, he had requested that you never rush into his office, in case the situation was far more dangerous than anticipated. Though you had agreed to his request, lately, it hurt your heart to do so.

Moments later, the door to Hyungwon's office swung open as Mrs. Yang stormed out of it. She threw you a glance on her way out and simply said, "If you can get out and find a better job, I suggest you do so. Working for a demon like him will only pull you down to their level, sweetie," before she promptly left the building. 

When you were confident that she was gone, you slowly rose from your desk and headed towards the kitchen. You grabbed the first-aid kit from under the sink. You ran a towel under some water, and you grabbed another one to wrap around an ice pack. With supplies in hand, your quick steps carried you into Hyungwon's office. You didn't knock this time. There was no need to do so.

The male sat calmly at his desk, going over the paperwork that lay before him. He seemed unbothered by the significant red mark that now tainted his sculpted face. It wasn't until you found your spot at his side, hand gently turning his head to face you that he made any movement at all. The moment that the cold ice pack made contact with his heated skin, he let out a sigh, hand reaching up to hold it in place so that you could tend to the rest of his injured face, cleaning up his split lip. He didn't say anything and instead allowed you to tend to his wounds like you usually did when a client got physical.

A few years back, you had inquired about his lack of resistance towards his clients. It was on a day much like today, while you were cleaning up his bruises. "When a contract doesn't work out, their hearts end up broken. They have to live in a state of immense grief for a few days before they forfeit their souls to me. That's more than enough pain for any human, don't you think?" he had asked, and you supposed there was truth to his statement. It wasn't often that clients lashed out, but whenever they did, Hyungwon always told you that it was unavoidable. They were all aware of the power he held, and this was their small act of rebellion, knowing that they could never actually best a demon. Hyungwon always let them do it, and you could tell he did it because he didn't want to harm others.

"It's going to bruise badly this time," you told him softly, brows knitting together as you saw how swollen it had gotten, even after having the ice pack on it. You gingerly took the ice pack and placed it on the desk, your boss letting out a light breath.

"It's nothing that time won't heal," he replied nonchalantly. "The pain is only momentary."

"Why was Mrs. Yang so upset with you? I've seen some angry people leave your office, but no one quite this angry..."

"Two months ago, Mrs. Yang brought her daughter in. Mrs. Yang had formed a love contract with me many years ago after meeting her current husband, and they've been together since. She thought that I could help her daughter, as well. Nana was a kind girl, very different from her mother. There was a man she was in love with, but he had no idea that she felt that way. I had warned them that a love contract based on a one-sided love was tricky, but Mrs. Yang insisted. Nana's timeframe was two months," he explained. 

"Today is the last day of those two months. Unfortunately for her daughter, it seems like the man that she loved has already found another. Her persuasion did not sway his heart, and now she owes me her soul in three days," Hyungwon added, knowing that this story would resonate with you. He saw you nodding gently as he spoke, and sometimes, he wished that you didn't have to bear that pain either. "It's regrettable as she was such a kind girl. She had a lot ahead of her, and it was a mistake to sign that contract..."

"Sometimes, everything is done with the right intentions... but the outcome is unexpected."

"Like with Mijoo," he pointed out, seeing you nod in agreement. "Granted, I do recall you hitting me pretty hard back then as well."

You knew that Hyungwon had brought up the memory, not as a way to berate you for your actions but to try and make you smile. The two of you had long since worked past that issue. A chuckle left your lips. "Well, it was before I understood how your business works. I was probably just as angry as Mrs. Yang back then. It's hard to see your loved ones have to pay for a mistake, but also have no recourse for it…"

"Tell me something," he started, ready to ask the question that had been gnawing him for the last few years. He had been itching to ask it, but never got the right opportunity to do so. "Why did you stay? Back then, I had only suggested that you work until Mijoo moved on, but even after all of that time, you're still here. You could have left."

Hyungwon's observation was correct. Nothing was keeping you at this job. You could have left, found a job like any other average human, at a typical office. But that wasn't what you wanted. Was it okay to tell him that now? After almost four years? You figured you could take the chance. There was no harm in it now. 

"This place... it has a painful memory for me. But isn't this job more painful for someone like you? Someone that has been doing it for so long?" you asked. 

Hyungwon gave you the smallest smile. "I don't know if I quite feel things in that manner anymore..."

"Even so, it's still a lonely job," you insisted. "I guess I stay because both of us are rather alone. We don't have people to turn to. I thought that we could be that type of company for each other..."

Your eyes had been fixated on your hands that sat squarely in your lap. These were never words you ever thought you would utter to Hyungwon. Yet, you could feel his eyes on you, burning an intense gaze into y our form. Though you hesitated, you slowly looked up, your eyes getting lost in those brilliant dark orbs. Those beautiful eyes that held an eternity of pain, eyes that had a great depth to them. It was his answer that ultimately pulled you back to reality. 

"As a demon, I don't seek that type of company, I'm afraid. Not anymore."

His words hit you hard, though you expected no less from Hyungwon. "Then consider that your companionship is of benefit to me, Hyungwon. It helps to calm my loneliness," you told him, bringing the conversation to an abrupt end.

Slowly, you moved to your feet, picking up all of the medical supplies from his desk. "We should probably close the office for the day. I don't think that you're in a presentable state for new clients. I'll go and make sure that everything is locked up. I hope that you have a pleasant rest of your day," you said, giving him a faint smile before you disappeared from his office. 

However, what you didn't know was that for the first time, since you had started working for Hyungwon, he allowed his eyes to trail after you. He allowed himself to watch you leave. And at that moment, he felt that sense of loneliness that you spoke of...

[my-emotional-self]

The Mission Chapter 11

Pairings: Ari Levinson x Reader

Warnings:  swearing, angst?

Summary: Ari Levinson tries to recruit you for Operation Brothers.  While you weren’t ready for any kind of mission, you obliged after much consideration. You didn’t plan on falling in love along the way.  But will Ari return those feelings? Or will his heart only be on the mission?

Another few successful months at the resort and with the mission and everyone couldn’t have been any happier with how things were turning out.  It was now well into September of 1980, six fully successful missions under the crews belt.  

After your fun little diving excursion with Ari, yet again, nothing had happened between the two of you and to be honest, it kind of hurt.  Ever since you were younger, you had always been a giving, caring and passionate person with a big heart.  And when it came to having feelings for people, or bonds, you couldn’t just stop them. It was one of your biggest flaws. But you pushed those feelings away and still had fun around the resort with Ari.  His personality was infectious and you found yourself always in a good mood around him; even if he was pissing off Sammy.  You trusted Ari and his decisions, even if they were risky because you knew his heart was in the right place; to save refugees.  

Ari would sometimes come and sneak into your room in the middle of the night and you would wake up to him snuggling you; his arm secured tightly around your mid-section.  Other nights, when you couldn’t fall asleep, you would slink off into his room and do the same.  It was on those nights, where you would sleep in bed with Ari that you found the most restful night’s sleep.  

The warm sun shone on your face as you stretched your limbs that morning.  Ari had snuck into bed with you, but as usual, he was already gone by the time you woke up.  With a sigh, you got up and went to the bathroom to relieve your full bladder. You splashed some cold water on your face, brushed your teeth and got dressed for the day.  

As much as you wanted to wear you swimsuit with a tank top and sarong, you had other plans today. Instead, you put on a pair of long pants and a long sleeved shirt, covering your head in a scarf.  You had talked to Chef Aziz last night about making a few fresh loaves of bread for you this morning so you could take them into the nearby village for trade.  It was one of your favorite things to do; go into the village and trade fresh food for some gifts and knickknacks.  

Over the course of the last few months, you had really gotten to know the locals in the village and they loved that you spoke their native tongue.  Naturally you didn’t tell them anything about you or the resort, and you used a completely different accent than your German one as well.  As much as you wanted to be truthful to them, you knew it could cause great risk.  

Placing your sunglasses on your eyes, headed towards the main lobby where the crew was dining for breakfast.  “Hey guys, I’ll be back in a few hours,” you said, noticing both Sammy and Ari weren’t around.  

Rushing into the kitchen, Chef Aziz greeted you with a smile as he produced three fresh loaves of bread for you.  

“Thank you so much,” you gushed in his native tongue as you placed the bread into your canvas tote. Grabbing the keys to one of the trucks, you began to drive to the local village nearly a half hour away.  

~~~

Ari was breathing deeply, the music blasting through the speakers of his Walkman as he ran down the beach.  He felt a nudge to his right and he turned to see Sammy now running next to him.  

He took the headphone off his ears, nodding at Sammy.  “Hey man, what’s up?”

Sammy shrugged, yet had a smile on his face.  “Not much. I’ve just noticed how close you and Y/N have gotten since we’ve been here.”

Ari shook his head. “If you haven’t noticed, I’ve gotten pretty close to everyone since we’ve been here.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“There’s nothing going on between us,” Ari denied.  He wasn’t lying because he was shameful of you or anything; it was nothing like that. It was the fact that he was the leader, the one in charge of this crew and he didn’t want the others to think his mind was on anything else but the mission.  Truth be told, he was truly starting to gain feelings for you.  He loved spending time with you, whether it was just eating lunch and dinner together, doing workout classes with the tourists together, or sleeping peacefully next to one another.  Based off your experience, he knew you weren’t someone like Rachel; someone who could defend themselves.  And while you haven’t really needed to use your skills all that much, he was genuinely impressed with how well you had handled things when the Colonel first came sniffing around.  You held it together and didn’t blow the cover; he couldn’t have asked much more than that.  He also saw the way you bonded with the staff of the resort, being able to speak Arabic with them had really helped.  He saw what a big heart you had and how dedicated you were to this mission.  But he needed to put forth his leadership, no matter how much it hurt him to sometimes step away from you.  He couldn’t deny it though, the few times you had kissed and had gotten a little frisky, were the best days of his time spent here; besides successful mission days of course.  

“Hey, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing.  Hell, Rachel and I have grown a lot closer too, if you know what I mean.”

Ari chuckled, nodding his head.  “Yeah, I’ve noticed.”

The two men ran back to the resort together, heading towards the tables where the rest of the crew were sitting and eating breakfast.  

“Ok, I got some intel late last night and I need to make an announcement,” Ari said, placing his hands on his hips.  “The Hadandawa have been invading a few of the local villages lately, taking girls and women for human trafficking and since we just finished our sixth successful operation a few days ago, I want everyone to stick around here at the resort. We’ve got plenty of food to go around. I just don’t want there to be any risk, especially with you Rachel, and Y/N.”  His eyes scanned the table, noticing two things.  One, you weren’t there at the moment, and two, the dropped faces of Rachel, Sammy, Jake and Sam.  “What’s the matter?  Where is Y/N by the way?”

“She mentioned the other day about going into the closest village to trade some bread for a few items. This morning she took a truck and said she would be back in a few hours,” Rachel spoke up, fear lacing her voice.

“Fuck!” Ari growled out, his jaw clenching.  “When did she leave?”

Rachel looked at her watch. “About a half hour ago.”

“Max, you’re with me. Everyone else stay here in case she comes back.”  

Max dashed out of his chair, rushing to the truck with Ari.  Ari placed the key in the ignition, put it into drive and slammed on the gas. His heart hammered in his chest, fear encasing him at the thought of you being taken.  He just needed to get to you before anything could happen.  

~~~

“Thank you!” you spoke in Arabic to Amina, one of the vendors as you gave her a loaf of bread. She handed over a stack of beautiful hand crafted beaded bracelets and you placed them gently in your canvas tote. You had known Amina for a while after you started coming to visit the village to trade food for items.  She always had the most beautiful jewelry and no matter what, she was always the first person you went to when you visited. In reality, she was a great friend to you.  The two of you always chatting for long periods of time each time you came here. She had a beautiful smile and you were instantly drawn to her wonderful personality.    

The peace of the late morning had soon turned to dread as worry began to etch across the faces of the local villagers.  Turning to see what they were looking at.  Your heart dropped at the sight of the many trucks billowing down the dirt road, heading straight towards the village.  Your hands began to tremble, thinking it was the Mukhabarat; your body shaking at the thought of seeing Colonel Ahmed again after the last encounter you had with him.  

But your thoughts were quickly shaken by someone grabbing your hand; it was Amina.  “Come quick, we must hide.  It’s the Hadandawa and if they find you, they will take you,” she spoke in her native tongue.  

Your eyes began to water as you remembered Ari speaking about it with you and the crew the first night you arrived.  They were known for human trafficking; especially going after girls and women.  

Amina quickly began to pull at your arm and you turned to face her, dashing off into the long grass; praying you would be able to hide good enough until they left.

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