#is just makes netflix look like assholes to acknowledge that this is their image of being Bad and not caring what is thought of it

[starsstillshine]

wild for netflix to release the joan is awful episode of black mirror considering AI is one of the striking points of sag-aftra and the wga

[closer-stars]

Gut Feeling (5)

Member: San Genre: Angst, just Stress Word Count: 9k Content: Food. Realizations. Frustrations. Just a lot bro Note: idk i like slow burn and just this type of idea leaves a lot of space to make shit feel frustrating and powerless if that makes sense. i’ll update the links after 24 hours. this has been proof-read but will continue to do so later on wahu. happy new year yall Tag list: @barsformars @hwaberrykiwi @yeotlny @miniyeo @shinyddeonghwa @seoultraveller

Part 4

“Choi San!”

“Stop calling me that!”

“Then stop acting like a child!”

“Stop treating me like one then!”

The rest of the boys didn’t expect the outburst (except for roughly two of them), pairs of eyes darted from you and to the male. They’ve never seen you snap like this, not even when they were being pains in the ass for you, not even when Yeosang’s sharp tongue got the better of him, hell even if other staff members were being an asshole to you. They’ve seen San snap but not to the level where he answers back to those who they speak with respect. Both of you stand there, unmoving, jaws clenched and stiff, waiting for the other to make a move. Your eyes are hard to read, rocky maybe, as if you had immediately put up a wall before anyone could make sense of your emotions. The only thing that can be seen was your exhaustion. 

The boys wondered how much of your own struggles did you keep from them about this. 

San on the other hand, had eyes that light up with flames. He’s been sure of his feelings ever since he could remember. Admittedly, he fell for you somewhere along the way, he couldn’t pinpoint where but he did. He knows you’ve been harboring feelings for him too and for you to deny it had brought him so much frustration. It was a relief their current promotions are much more powerful otherwise, he would’ve lashed out from anger. The way you talked to him previously had been brewing in his mind. 

You’re the first one to make a move: you break eye contact and heave a sigh. “I’m going to get air. Hongjoong, you know what to do.” Your voice hangs clear in the heavy air, Hongjoong’s firm acknowledgement lets you leave smoothly. With a flick of your wrist, you toss the remote of the sound system to him on your way out. The only thing that could be heard from the room were your footsteps and the door closing behind you.

[You to Manager Yoon] Manager Yoon! Where are you?

[Manager Yoon to You ] Still in the office, why? 

You pause for a moment, trying to think of an excuse. Just for once, you want to be selfish. 

[You to Manager Yoon] Can you be the one to bring the boys home? I have a migraine. Not a good idea to be behind the wheel. 

[Manager Yoon] Who’s going to bring you home?

[You] I’ll get a taxi. Please? The boys will be finished within an hour. 

[Manager Yoon] Alright! Stay safe and take care of yourself. 

[You] Yes, thank you. 

It doesn’t take longer than five minutes for a taxi to arrive outside the building. You slip inside and the driver’s back on the road to bring you back to your apartment. You don’t realize how long you’ve been holding your breath until you settle into your seat.

“Long day?” The driver says, his aged voice bringing you out of your thoughts for a moment. Surprisingly, you still had enough energy to keep it light.

“Yes, can’t wait to get some rest.” You return, there’s an evident strain in your voice and it makes him chuckle.

“Life really is tough in your twenties to thirties isn’t it? Everything’s confusing, constant distractions, constant questions.” He sounded like a grandfather that needs some company so you entertain his thoughts. 

“Yes, a lot of things are happening and so many people expect us to know everything at this age.” You rest your head against the window, watching as people rush about to release the week’s stress. 

“It’s good you’re taking the time to rest tonight. Drinking and clubbing can only do so much, kiddo.” The driver chortles, and it seems he’s reminiscing his younger days. This causes you to chuckle softly, letting him talk as much as his heart wants. It was a good distraction from how your life has been in disarray. 

 Considering it was a friday night, the traffic was enough to be noticed. You don’t have the heart to put on your headphones to drown out everything for the sake of the old man. As you head home, the conversation spins towards your work. 

“A manager for an idol group? That isn’t easy, no? My granddaughter’s been a big fan of that one group, they did that black cat song recently.. Uh what was their name..” He grumbles, frustrated at his poor memory. 

“ATEEZ?” You pipe in carefully, heart warming slightly at how well your boys have done. 

“Is that their name? I think so, it is familiar. They seem like good boys too. She really likes that San guy too.” 

“They are.” You agree, your chest feeling a mix of ease and discomfort. Nevertheless, the general public was falling for the boys and you couldn’t help but feel pride in that. You try to disregard the comment about San, finding it to be life being an asshole to you. The taxi rolls up to the entrance of your apartment complex and you thank the man for his help. “Please have this too, you’ve worked a lot too.” You say as you hand him your payment. He’s surprised with the small bag of snacks you’ve been carrying this entire time that you handed to him with your payment. You bid him goodbye, carefully walking into the safety of your apartment complex. 

-------

Your body feels lighter after the shower and you look through your laptop for the files that have been nagging your mind. Mumbles of the files you’re looking for spill through your mouth as you glare at your laptop screen. The only thing that could be heard in your room is the sound of your fingers over the keyboard, ever since becoming a manager for such a loud group, you’ve come to appreciate the silence. 

“There we go.” 

Once the files are open, you look through your application, looking for a certain portion as your interview plays in the back of your head. From there, you type your letter to the superiors. It takes a few tries until you’re satisfied with it. For now, you’ll sleep on it, thinking if you should push through with this change or hold on until Manager Hwang comes back. At least, the letter has helped you clear your head on things that weren’t related to San. 

As you lean against your seat, you let soft music play as you try to figure out your feelings. Your stomach grumbles. After everything that happened, you forgot that you have yet to have your dinner. The boys have but you forgot to eat earlier. Not wanting to change clothes again, you opt for delivery. 

Was the universe laughing at you for your clashing feelings and thoughts? Your playlist plays songs that were unfortunately fitting for your situation. 

You’re still on the fence over your feelings for him. You have come to appreciate his presence in your life, in and outside of work but you were against putting romance where your work lies, that’s one of your rules. Especially when it comes to harboring feelings for the idol, that was a line you didn’t want to cross. You know how fans can be, and while fan attitudes can differ from person to person, people who liked the same artist seem to eventually carry the same attitudes. You didn’t know much about their fans, especially in this situation where fans couldn’t watch them perform in person. Some of them seem to be sweethearts, some less than stellar people. If you were honest with yourself, You didn’t want to give in to San or to yourself merely because of how fans can be when they realize their idols are dating. Heck, their friend resigned to save their group’s face. You didn’t want San to go through that. 

You were never a fan of the boyfriend or girlfriend image idols had to put on themselves. 

A series of katalks and knocking brings you out of your thoughts once more and you decide to attend to the knocking first once you smell the food wafting in. 

Hands full of the food you order for yourself for the night, you stop the music and decide to let your Netflix be your white noise as you eat and look through your messages. 

[Hongjoong to Group Chat] Manager-nim! What’s our call time tomorrow?

[Seonghwa] Hongjoong and I talked to San once we got back to the dorms. Manager Yoon doesn't know about it?

[Yunho to Group Chat] I thought it was you who was going to bring us home… teary_eyed_frodo

[San] I’m sorry

You didn’t think he would send you a message so soon.

Cheeks stuffed with noodles, you reply thoroughly to each of them. 

[You to Group chat] Wake up by 5AM, i’ll pick you up 6AM. 7AM for hair and make up, breakfast in the salon, 10AM to 6PM schedule. 7PM onwards studio/training or whatever you guys want to do. 

[You to Seonghwa] Oh okay, let’s talk about that tomorrow? Yes, Manager Yoon doesn’t know anything about it.

[You to Group chat] Ah sorry, I ended up with a migraine ^^;; 

[You to Group chat] Aw, haha! I’ll do my best!

You continue to eat, until your stomach is stuffed and you need to take a breather. It’s been awhile since you let yourself eat your comfort food without a care. 

The unread notification nags at you as you eat, even if you try to eat in peace. The thoughts start to run a mile a minute again and it makes your chest tighten up again. You push yourself up again and look through your refrigerator for some drink. Anything to ease your anxious thoughts from making it hard for you to breathe again. Not replying to him even on chat seemed a little cold even for you.

Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!

Why were Kakaotalk notifications so aggressive on vibrate? Another mouthful of noodles and spicy dumplings. 

[Mingi to Group chat] Are you okay now?

[Jongho to Group chat] Sleep early, Manager-nim.. We have a long day tomorrow.

[Yeosang to Group chat] Make sure to eat too!!

You felt bad for telling them a white lie but you needed to get out of that building. You send them a heart to acknowledge their messages for their peace. Once you’ve finished your meal, you freshen yourself up for bed, making sure your alarm was on for the following day. 

--------

On the other side of the line, the boys are in their dorms now. All of them in their sleep wear but in the living room to talk about things that need to be discussed. “San, you need to explain everything.” Seonghwa speaks up softly. Hongjoong sits on the corner of the couch, he’s not looking at anyone as he tries to make sense and do damage control as much as possible. 

The younger member looks at everyone, then at Hongjoong and Seonghwa, fearing that they’d be angry for various reasons. In hindsight, he should’ve just talked about it with either of them but his pride got in the way. The weight of keeping everything in slides off his back with a dejected sigh. He tells them everything, starting from when he found your antics adorable, to you going out of your way to take care of them even beyond your line of work. The boys really can’t blame him, they did sacrifice a part of their lives for their dreams. It’s natural to have a want to experience something as normal as falling in love, even if it’s a little misguided. He includes the part where he assumes that you and Seonghwa were a thing. This results in six heads turning from San to Seonghwa in less than a heartbeat. 

“Time out, time out.” Seonghwa says, after regaining his composure from such a curveball. “This entire time, you thought we were a thing?” He asks, eyes wide with confusion. The older won’t admit that he’s amused by the misconception but he is alarmed that it has reached such heights. 

The question has San straightening his back in confusion. “Yeah, the two of you are always together, more than anyone else. Also they’re more talkative with you… they just look more comfortable with you than me..” He tries to explain but the more he goes on the more he realizes how stupid he sounds. 

Stunned silence falls over the eight of them, Hongjoong still thinking on how to approach this. Wooyoung sits back against the backrest of the couch, his head resting against the palm of his hand. “So this is the extent of how jealousy affects him.” Cue, two hands flicking his shoulders. “Ow!” The attention shifts back to Hongjoong when he repositions himself in his seat. 

“Seonghwa, you didn’t know about that part? Not even when you talked to them?” 

The older shakes his head, “We didn’t get the chance to talk too much.. Things kept getting in the way.” He purses his lips in mild annoyance at how things played out for everyone. “But,” he continues, and the way his voice carries in the room has everyone looking at him. “I’ll find a way to talk to them again.” 

It’s not really a surprise that San thought Seonghwa was the favored one but here they are, in a middle of chaos because of his assumptions. 

“San, you have to talk to them as soon as possible and fix all of these. We can’t do everything for this.” Hongjoong says, his tone gentle. Being angry at this point won’t solve anything and god forbid two of his own members start fighting, and it had to be the two with the scariest tempers. The younger winces at the idea that his ego got the better of him and how he still has the audacity to worry about how you’d think of him once he comes clean with everything.

“I will, hyung.” With that, the meeting has ended and everyone’s retreating into their rooms. San catches Yunho’s worried look and he tries to shoot a reassuring smile at the male. “I’ll manage, Yunho. I haven’t failed yet.” 

He hopes those won’t be his famous last words. 

--------

Your phone wakes you up. Time for work. It takes a few tries (with some disgruntled whines) to finally start the day. “Fuck.. One more round for this promotion period.” You manage to grab yourself an oat drink on the way out, just to stave off the hunger until you arrive at the salon with all eight boys. 

You arrive outside their dorm, knocking on the door. In a few seconds, Seonghwa’s the first one you see, already ready while the others are finishing up. “Morning!” You didn’t think he was a morning person, but here he is in a chipper mood than you. 

“Morning, Seonghwa. Is everyone ready?” You peek behind him for a moment then back to the male in front of you. 

“Give them five minutes.” Seonghwa suggests and lets you into their dorm, instead of letting you wait outside. 

Finding discomfort in having to be in their personal space, you close the door quietly and wait outside. “Just don’t stall too much.” You say under your breath. Do you put too much trust in the boys? Seeds of uncertainty have been growing in your stomach as the promotions continue amidst the chaos behind the scenes. You need quiet time soon. Your eyes flit to the time in your phone, rough estimates run through your head as you debate on waiting here or heading to the car to start it up. 

Before you could even come up with a decision, the door opens with eight boys already ready to start the day. Your eyes automatically go to Seonghwa and Hongjoong for reassurance. The show must go on after all. 

--------

You can tell they’ve gotten used to performing even without a physical audience. They’ve grown rapidly as performers with each stage. You’ve eventually built up a wall between you and the members, not too fast that the others notice it but just enough for people to reason your absence with logic until they get used to it. The more you stray from them, the more you linger with the other staff members who went with you and the group. While your heart is confused with San, you find yourself in ease with people who also enjoy being behind the scenes. They share stories of their experience in the industry, crazy stories to horror stories. All of which gave you tips and lessons. You tell them yours as well, not everything, but just those that can be shared and in the exchange, you find yourself able to laugh freely again. 

The boys let you be. They understand what had just happened between you and San is still fresh. It doesn’t stop San stealing glances at you, guilty and frustrated at what has happened. 

“Let them be, San.” Yunho says softly in between spoonfuls of his meal. San’s eyes tear away from you and it makes Yunho sympathize with him. He can see how San still feels guilty about it but still so prideful, still so stubborn. “They’ll come around eventually. At least they’re still doing their job right?” He adds, in hopes of pointing out something good despite the chaos. 

“I guess so..” The other returns, eventually focusing on his meal as they get ready to perform. 

It doesn’t take long until they’re called on stage and the room mellows down to quiet chatter among staff members. Manager Bae approaches you as you busy yourself with your own phone and laptop. “Are you okay?” he asks you as he drops next to you. He leans against the table as his eyes are kept on the tv screen. 

Your fingers fly over the keyboard as you pen another email to send to the externals team. Eyes snap to the man next to you as before turning your attention back to your laptop. “Why the question? I’m alright as far as I know.” 

He shakes his head for a moment, before taking a sip of the instant coffee. “No reason, just checking up on you after the intense schedules lately. They can take a toll on anyone.”

You would know. At his words, you shake your head to reassure him. “I knew what I was getting into when I sent my work application here.” Not entirely a lie. You were ready for hectic schedules especially for a rising idol group. What you weren’t ready for was feelings from a rising idol but that was besides the point. You scan through your email once more, making sure all the important details are in it before pressing send. “I promise, I’m able to get with the pace. If I can’t, at least let me stay until the end of a promotional cycle.” You add with a light chuckle. 

The older looks at you with slight concern that you don’t catch, too busy rearranging your schedule. “If there’s any trouble besides health, don’t hesitate to tell any of us alright?” He says. You hum in agreement, doing your best to reassure him. It doesn’t take long until the boys are up on screen, pouring their heart out as if they’ve been doing this for so long. You could hear some sounds of admiration a few rooms down and you could only assume that it’s the rookies watching the same stage. There’s really just something about San performing, especially a song like Thanxx. Would it be right to compare San to a chameleon? Any color he seems to just get into it but it didn’t seem to be right. There’s something about the song that makes you think ‘This is the group that has captured the public’ and San’s practically shining on this stage. You force yourself out of it, focusing on everyone as well and you find yourself grinning at Yeosang’s cheekiness. 

You rest your chin on the palm of your hand, a lazy grin still on your features. “Who knew Yeosang would bring out this cheekiness?” You ask softly and it makes Manager Bae laugh. 

“He’s always been that type of guy but having it on stage really is a bit of shocker.” 

You lean against your seat, somehow impressed with how much Yeosang has grown as a performer. “Oh, have you received news so far on Manager Hwang?”

He looks at you with a raised brow in jest. “Itching to get away from the chaos the boys bring?” The question causes you to defend yourself immediately, floundering over words and while waving your hands to push away such thought. While in a different context completely, the words hit a little too close to home. Manager Bae laughs at your reaction, “Relax, to answer your question, Hwang’s doing better now. He’ll be back by the end of the year.” 

A few more months, but a few more weeks of this hectic schedule. You can last, at least you hope so. 

The boys finish their stage without a hitch and they return to the dressing room still high on the stage adrenaline. You let them settle down first as they catch their breath for their next schedule. Somehow Seonghwa manages to pull you aside. 

“We need to continue our talk soon..” He mumbles away from everyone’s earshot. You bite your bottom lip and concede to his wishes. 

“Fine, after this week of schedules.” 

---------

The talk doesn’t happen much to your relief and their frustration. Their schedules were swamped still with offers and preparations for upcoming shows. Little by little though, you slowly excuse yourself from their free time. Only appearing for when you need to bring them home or to their schedules. 

But even if the talk doesn’t happen, you’re still stressed with no sign of a break. Every moment you have to yourself throughout the day is spent trying to catch your breath and calm your racing heart and mind. You look at the time, their last schedule was about to end and so will everyone’s shift. It’s your turn to bring all the boys home, and with that your schedule essentially ends by now. The boys are in the studio, practicing for a different stage this time, reviewing old pieces that can be reinvented for the new performance. Almost half the boys are on their backs, exhausted from the long day they have. You sigh, knowing how it feels to be so tired and so hungry after hectic schedules. “Alright, what do you guys want for dinner?” You ask them and they look up at you through the bullets of sweat that has been running down their skin. It’s when the question catches no answer from the boys that give you an idea of just how exhausted they are. “Guys? What do you want for dinner? It’s on me.” 

“Fried chicken please?”

“Can we get meat?”

“Cola too..” 

Even without looking at each of their faces, you can already see the pout on some of their faces. A soft chuckle slips from your lips, taking notes of their wants. “Think you guys can hold on for a few minutes?” 

“Knowing them, anything for food.” Seonghwa says as he gets back up on his feet, slipping on a jacket. “I’ll go with you.” You look at him with a raised eyebrow, knowing that this can go a certain direction. You don’t say anything but nod at his words, you spin on your heels and leave the studio. You didn’t want to look at San’s direction, you just can’t get yourself to look at his general direction even if he was just a few feet in front of you. 

Once out of the building, you find yourself breathing out a sigh of relief which Seonghwa notices. “Long day?” He asks softly, as he walks with you towards the nearest restaurants. All you really do is just hum in agreement. You weren’t in any mood to talk about how your days have been since that argument, your supposed meet with Jiwoo kept getting pushed back, so you’ve been stuck on your own for who knows how long. He senses how tired you are, figuring it would be better to keep the talk to a later time. The two of you end up walking quietly down the road, looking for the favorite restaurant of the boys. He has to tug at your sleeve to get you back to reality once the both of you arrive outside the restaurant. “We’re here.. Did you want coffee?” He asks as he opens the door for the two of you. 

There were a few tables that were occupied but not to the point where your health could be on the line. “Can we ask for take out?” You ask the staff, they know your face by now for the same orders over the past few months. The answer is an obvious yes but it never hurts to ask especially with everything happening. 

“The usual?” 

“Yes, plus a few add-ons..” You list down the drinks and other side dishes the boys would definitely want post training. Seeing you converse with the staff, Seonghwa somehow understands why San fell for you but he also somehow understands why you’re so apprehensive. It’s just a matter of time to make the two of you see each other’s reasons and find a middle ground. Now that all the orders have been listed, they let you take a seat on one of the available tables. The two of you finally let your feet rest as you try to find ways to kill time. It was tricky to talk about the elephant in the room with the restaurant still being occupied by people besides the two of you. 

“Manager-nim..” Seonghwa calls softly, watching you practically deflate in your seat. “You really need to rest.” 

“After your promotions, I will.” You say as you stretch your back in your seat. The male eyes you with worry but you’re very much like them, stubborn and wanting others to not worry about them. 

The two of you busy yourselves with other conversations to kill the time, monitoring how the public have been finding their performances, and other offers that were around the corner for them.

What the two of you didn’t know was that someone had recognized Seonghwa and has proceeded to sneak a photo of him with you. The stranger has managed to post it on social media, causing a stir online on who could be with him and if he was dating. It doesn’t take too long for the tweet to spread around social media, and fortunately for the two of you, the food comes in quickly. “Come again soon and stay safe and healthy!” says the staff as the two of you bow your thanks and hurry off to return to seven hungry boys. 

In the studio, some of the guys catch on their sleep with a nap while they wait for your return. The others busy themselves on their phones, looking at what their fans have been talking about and what wishes to fulfill on stage. Yunho notices that Seonghwa’s name is on the trending topics and decides to snoop around, wondering what did he do this time that has the fans wrapped around him. His eyes slip towards San, who was deep asleep on the floor, his cap covering his face. He looks over at Hongjoong who was busy doing the same, probably looking at the letters fans have sent to them. “Hyung..” He whispers softly, as he slowly slides over to the older male. 

The older looks at his screen and already knew what was up from just a quick glance. 

[Hongjoong to Seonghwa] Where are you

[Hongjoong to Seonghwa] hey people think you’re dating someone. 

Hongjoong scrolls through the posts and he sighs in relief as it seems that they don’t know it’s you. Your features could barely be seen from the angle it was shot. 

[Hongjoong to Seonghwa] they think you’re dating manager-nim seriously, hurry quick because people are gonna fuss over it the longer you’re out. 

“It’ll be fine, Yunho. As long as the others don’t see it.. And we have mature fans, they’ll be able to take care of this.” It’s also a reassurance for him too. They never really had a dating scandal and he kind of wishes it would stay like that as long as possible. “If anything bad happens, just tell me okay? We’ll be able to take care of it.” 

--------

Seonghwa’s phone vibrates almost nonstop and you take a plastic bag with the food from him to let him check his phone. “The boys?” you ask as the two of you walk back to the agency. It’s his groan that makes you look at him from the corner of your eye. “What happened?” You press. 

“Someone took a photo of us in the restaurant, thinking I’m dating you.” He explains with another hiss of annoyance. “Your face isn’t seen but it’s making rounds.”

[Seonghwa to Hongjoong] On our way back

[Seonghwa to Hongjoong] Five minutes. 

He takes the bag back from you and starts to walk a little quicker. “Let’s hurry back.” He says. 

If it weren’t for how he was walkiing so fast, you would’ve stood there stunned by such assumptions from strangers. You do your best to match his pace, all while making sure nothing spills from the containers. You just hoped the rest of the group and the company sees none of this otherwise, you are quite literally screwed. 

--------

Everyone was slowly waking up in the studio, and thanks to Wooyoung’s sharp nose, he could already smell the food. They know better than to doubt his sense of smell.  “They’re here! They’re here!” Wooyoung exclaims. San being the hardest to wake up, it takes a while for him to regain his surroundings. He rolls across the floor, not wanting to get up. “Hey San! They brought meat!” Wooyoung exclaims and that was enough to get him to sit up first, trying to shake away the grogginess. The latter eventually stands up and drags himself to the kitchen where everyone was at this point. He pats his jacket down, just to make sure if his phone was in there as he walks down the hallway. The bustling in the kitchen was hushed from the weariness but still lively from guys who are aching to get something in their stomach. 

San is greeted by the sight of his members bustling around the food, excited to eat something filling. He’s also greeted by the sight of you sitting a little further away from where Seonghwa is, instead opting to sit near Jongho and Yunho. Hell, you’re far from where he sits too. He wonders if something had happened on the way here for you to be this quiet. 

You had let the boys busy themselves with their own meals as you eat yours quietly. Your fingers scroll through social media as you search for tweets regarding the dating rumor. Despite Seonghwa having reassured you that your face couldn’t be seen, you wanted to see it for yourself. There were already heated discussions about the group and who the mystery person is. Some fans found an account that they assume is you. A part of you had to give it to them for thinking that random user is you, but it’s not. The other part is terrified of how skilled they can be in searching for people on the internet that matches their assumptions. Some fans had managed to control the flames before it reached the rest of the fans. The mere idea that they could’ve found your social media makes your blood run cold still. You really can’t do this. 

The meal time ends soon and the boys are ready to head home. “Can you guys take out the trash? I’ll get the car ready.” You say. 

“Sure thing, Manager-nim. ‘Kay Wooyoung, get in the bag.” Yeosang jokes, gesturing for his friend to get into the used bag and it was enough to get the room sputtering from the sudden comment. 

“Yeosang!” You sputter out through laughter. It’s how Wooyoung looks at his best friend that has you doubling over. It’s been a while since you managed to let out laughter that was so genuine and it does lift your spirits even for a short while. “I can’t believe you guys, I’ll wait for you all by the car okay?” 

Now that you had left first, Seonghwa lets out a breath he’s been holding the entire time. “San, we need to talk first.” This makes everyone turn to the two of them. San raises an eyebrow out of alarm and concern.

“Did something happen?” 

Now, Seonghwa, Hongjoong and Yunho look at each other in confusion. They honestly had expected that San would know by now as he was often on his phone during their down time. He was also usually the first to know the trends. How else did he get everyone to hit the whoa constantly? 

It had to come from Seonghwa. “For transparency’s sake, some stranger took a photo of Manager-nim and I thinking we were on a date, right while we were waiting for our food. They didn’t catch Manager-nim’s face but it’s kind of everywhere online. Just needed to let you know to avoid misunderstandings.” 

The first few words made his stomach drop but thankfully it didn’t go any lower. San honestly didn’t know what else to say, was he jealous that people thought you and Seonghwa were a thing? Somewhat. Was he worried for the group and for you about this news? Pretty much. He does have faith in their fans to know better than to believe something so baseless. Despite that, a lot of emotions were running through him. For now, he had to push them away. “I, uh, I see… uh, Thanks for letting me know, hyung. Let’s go? Manager-nim’s going to wonder why we’re taking too long.”

“We can just say we tried to fit Wooyoung in the bag, hehet.”

“Agh! Kang Yeosang!” 

--------

It takes a few minutes for them to head down, and by then you were already in the driver’s seat, waiting for them. “Maybe I shouldn’t have waited for them.” You mumble. By the time you finish the thought, the car doors swing open and the boys slowly trickle into the car. 

“Sorry we took so long.” Jongho’s voice startles you, nearly making you drop your phone. “Yeosang-hyung was actually trying to get Wooyoung-hyung into the bag.” 

His words make you twist in your seat to look at Yeosang. “How did that go?” Your question makes Wooyoung whine at how you were also teasing him. For a few moments, things were back to normal, which for the most part was good as it helped you destress. The ride back home went by smoothly, the boys busy with themselves while Jongho kept you company in the passenger’s seat. 

Once all of you arrived back in the apartment, they hop off and now that you were on your own again, you let out a sigh. The back of your head resting against the headrest of the driver’s seat. A few more rounds then this promotional cycle is done. You rub your stiff shoulders, maybe you should invest in a newer bag soon. After the quiet moments on your own in the car, you suppose that you should get out and head to your place. 

Just as you’re walking towards the elevator, you’re greeted by the boys still lingering. “I thought you guys went up already.” You mumble. 

“San said to wait for you so we did.” Yunho chimes in and you look at them with a raised eyebrow. It takes a lot from you to actually spare that man a glance. It’s mind reeling when you actually share a glance. 

“I see..”

“Though if it’s payback for making you wait earlier then that’s also understandable.” He adds quickly, which once again causes a small smile to form on your features. You don’t really see how the others look relieved to see you smiling a little more even just for today. The joke makes you shake your head, endeared by their actions. 

“Come on, it’s late.” You usher the boys in once the doors slide open. Now, while in bigger spaces, you had control of where you can be and who to be with. In something as small as an elevator, you didn’t have much choice. You were stuffed next to San by the corner. Somehow it was already agreed that you’d be the first one to be dropped off, something about you deserving to get more sleep than them. You’d like to disagree but when the battle is eight against one, it was better to let it be. You haven’t been in contact with San unless it’s a group related matter so to have him  The doors open and you immediately get yourself out of the lift, you bid them a good night and you immediately walk off, not wanting to look him in the eye, even when you felt his gaze on you. 

San was about to follow you but the doors closed in on them and already started moving towards their floor. Yunho notices him deflate in his spot, pulling his hat down over his features. He doesn’t say anything about this for now, instead waiting for them to arrive at their rooms just so they can talk about this. The taller male looks at the screen go through the other floors until they arrive at their floor. He decides to trail behind with San, making sure that the others don’t hear them. “Go and shower before me, I know you’re stuck in your head again.” The other says nothing but nod. Yunho says nothing when he catches sight of San quickly wiping at his face underneath the hat. 

--------

San’s already in bed, waiting for his roommate to finish showering. He’s busy on his phone instead of being on the computer. You haven’t replied to his messages either. He sees the tweets, well some of it, as the original posts are now deleted or are now hidden behind private accounts. Regardless, he still can see the aftermath from questionable accounts and his fans. He’s slowly understanding why you’ve been unresponsive and evasive of him. It’s not excusable but it gives him a perspective on why you did the things you did. 

Yunho finally enters the room, hair still dripping wet from his shower. “Took you awhile.” San says, trying to act fine, even when the two of them know better. 

“You know how Seonghwa-hyung is when it comes to the shower.” Yunho returns lightheartedly, and from a few feet away, they can hear Seonghwa yell in defense. The two roommates glance at each other for a moment, surprised that the eldest heard their banter before chuckling to themselves. Yunho then shuts the door quietly, just so they can talk a little more freely without the pressure of the other members hearing in on them. “Wanna talk about what’s going on in your head?” He starts as he dries his hair with a towel. 

The question makes San think for a moment. That’s the thing with him, when his thoughts are too muddled, making them into a coherent phrase is a challenge. “I really don’t know why I wanted to go after them.” He admits after moments of silence. If they stayed quiet long enough, they could hear Hongjoong and Yeosang playing video games in the living room. “I’ve avoided them long enough that they’re doing the same now.” He continues dejectedly. 

Yunho mulls over his words and knowing how everyone is, spread too thin with their current schedules and for their upcoming schedules. It would be hard to think clearly in this current situation. “Tell you what,” he starts, tossing his towel over the chair. “Try to talk to them after our promotions, we won’t be promoting until somewhere in 2021.” He sits up on his bed, his pillow on his lap. “Manager-nim been so tired too, late nights from us and helping out the externals with putting our names out there. Didn’t they get us a photoshoot with a big magazine?”

San has noticed it too, your eyebags have been a lot more prominent even when you try to cover it up with the make up tips their makeup artists teach you. The attentive light in your eyes have dimmed slightly and he has seen you staring into space or napping when there’s time for you. To approach you know would strain you even more and he’s already done enough of that. 

“You’ll figure it out, San. Don’t rush it.” Yunho reassures and somehow San wants to believe in himself the way Yunho does too. 

--------

You’re still hung up on the posts on social media, scrolling through all the posts made by users as they try to figure out who Seonghwa was with. Someone posts a profile that looks a lot like yours and it makes your stomach drop. It’s yours. Somehow, they found your profile as one of the probable people that Seonghwa hung out with. On adrenaline, you try to read through the post and comments, most of which were to your defense. You were grateful for that but you didn’t feel comfortable knowing strangers on the internet know of your account and are possibly going through your posts. 

[ You to Manager Chat ] can someone cover my shift tomorrow? 

You realize your message might be taken for worse so you quickly follow it up.

[ You to Manager Chat ] It’s nothing serious. I just think my body’s going to get sick if i don’t take care of it now. 

[ Manager Bae to Manager Chat ] I’ll cover. Take care of yourself especially in this time. You sure you only need one day? 

The question makes you pause. You want more than a day but you’ll have to play it out. 

[ You to Manager Chat ] I’ll feel it out and let you know asap. Thank you :( 

[ You to Manager Chat ] I trust you enough to let you get the keys from my apartment.

You send the passcode to your place to the chat and tell them where you keep the keys whenever it’s you on the job. Once they acknowledge your messages you toss your phone elsewhere. 

Your body deflates on the bed as you try to figure out how to manage your social media accounts without looking suspicious to the fans. Your eyes glance to the digital clock by your bedside. 

2.35 AM

“Fuck..” You groan out, rolling onto your stomach as you try to will yourself to sleep. One step at a time, you’ll get through this. You hope you do. 

--------

The boys are greeted by Manager Bae in their car.  

“It’s not them today?” Seonghwa asks, mildly alarmed by the lack of a heads up in the change of plans. 

“They’re not feeling well today,” he explains much to the worry of the boys. “they needed the rest.” He continues as he waits for the boys to settle into their seats before pulling out of the parking lot. Their manager senses the unease and he can’t help but symphathize. “Boys, they’ll be alright, the schedules just got to them and their body just needs to reset.”

Seonghwa glances at San who has an unreadable expression on his face. “They’ll be okay.” The eldest says as a reassurance for everyone. A small part of him worries if he has some degree of fault as well in this entire situation on your health too. 

--------

You wake up with the sun already at its highest point. Your hand hops around the bed, looking for your phone until you feel the cool metal under your fingertips. Eyes squint through the burning brightness of the sun and your phone screen.

13.45

Nearly twelve hours of sleep isn’t so bad you thought. 

[ San to Group chat ] Manager-nim are you okay?

The message was sent six hours ago. Oops. 

In your still groggy state, you manage to send a reply, not really realizing who sent the message. 

[ You to Group chat ] I’m okay. I just need rest. 

It takes a while for you to get out of your bed. Body still too tired to move properly after months of constantly moving that a day where you get to sleep in and move without rushing is proving to be a shock. 

One way or another, you’re able to make yourself something light to eat with your usual coffee. You manage to get yourself together to take care of yourself without any rush. It’s a nice change, you had to admit: no yelling and bantering, just faint music from your phone. Your music falters for a moment notifying you of a message.

[ Manager Bae to Manager chat ] don’t worry too much about coming in tomorrow. I talked with the team and they want you to take some rest for your safety and everyone else’s. 

[ You to Manager chat ] I’m not fired right… 

[ Manager Bae to Manager chat ] No no! Just get some rest, the company knows you’ve been working hard too. 

You look at the messages and sigh softly. 

[ Manager Bae to Manager chat ] also don’t worry about your planned day off, it’s still set after the promotions. 

You’re starting to appreciate the company you work for after that. You try to quickly get ready for the day, fixing what you need to make sure to get yourself tested for the virus within the day. 

Bzz Bzz! 

It’s Jiwoo. You didn’t think she’d finally have some time after that chaotic news from one of her artists. “Hello?” Her voice booms from the other line and you opt to put her on speaker, wanting to save your ears. 

“Hello! I miss you a lot, I know it was an ass move from me to disappear from you for weeks--”

You cut her off there. “Jiwoo, we’re in an industry that’s kind of cut throat, I kind of understand what you had to do to deal with things..” Your words make her pause for a moment and for a split second, you wonder if she was still okay. 

“Touche, now I owe you my time because I remember you told me something has been bothering you.” She recovers with ease and you’re left to your own devices, putting your phone on the counter as you make yourself a cup of coffee. Her words cause you to falter in your movements, almost spilling some coffee grounds. No escape from this topic really huh. So you ended up telling them everything since the first day of work for the sake of context, up to when San confessed to you. 

“I swear Jiwoo, if news about this breaks out, I will go to you and break your kneecaps.” Your coffee was finally done by the time you finished your story. 

She’s unfazed by your threat, and instead decides to ask you a question. “And how are you with all of these?” 

A quiet sip of the liquidated caffeine to gather your thoughts. “Stressed, worried, I genuinely don’t know what I feel about him.” It was the truth too. You barely had time to process your own feelings even if Seonghwa tried to talk to you. Everything lately has been full speed ahead, no space to pick up the emotions. 

“Do you want my thoughts on this?”

“Please. You know me better than the boys… and me.”

“if you didn’t like them, why would you be so affected?”

It’s a good thing you haven’t taken a sip of your coffee otherwise you would’ve spilled it all over yourself. “Huh?”

Jiwoo clears her throat and you can already picture her sitting up on her bed. “Mind you, I’m just approaching this from an outsider, who also has an inkling of how you can be in this situation. Also from what I know through you and from other staff, San does have a tendency to show his best and genuine side doesn’t he?” The question has your head running back through all the days you spent with him alone. “Don’t get it twisted, okay? I genuinely think you harbor a bit of a liking for him--which is mind you, very understandable based on everything I hear about him. Eventually you know yourself better than I do and considering you won’t be going to work right? Today and tomorrow? Try to think about it.”

Your voice comes out a little weak. “Yeah..” The thought she suggested had you reeling. Did you really have feelings for him?

“I have to go now, I have a meeting in two hours. Talk to you soon?” She says, hoping to hear from you soon. Ideally when both your schedules aren’t as hectic as they are. 

“O-oh yeah sure, let’s hang soon when all of our schedules are over.” With that, the call ends and you stare at your still unfinished cup of coffee. 

You spend the rest of your day in your apartment, catching up on your own hobbies and self. Even if you try to busy yourself with your own interests, you mind wanders back to what Jiwoo said. Did you really have feelings for him? You were so sure of yourself that you could separate your own feelings from work but now you’re not as sure. 

There’s a knock on your door that yanks you out of your thoughts. Who was at the door? 

You push yourself off the floor, pausing your movie as you make your way to the door. The knocks continue, a little more persistent this time. You peek at the peephole and the people you see confuses you. You open the door, greeted by the sight of a startled duo. “Hongjoong, Seonghwa, what are you doing here?” 

“Can we come in? We brought food for you.” 

“You’re lucky I’m not sick.” You mumble, letting them in. 

This is the first time they see your apartment. Maybe it’s because you live alone that they feel like they can breathe easier compared to the full house a few floors above. You know that their eyes are looking around your place, there’s not a lot of items around, you had to admit. You just liked to keep things simple, easier to pack and unpack when you have to move. 

“Oh, you have our albums on display!” Hongjoong exclaims, thoroughly flattered. 

“Of course.” You say, you’re their manager, should you not have their works on display? You were proud of how well they’ve been received by the public too. A nervous hand goes up to rub the back of your neck. “Uh, can I know why you guys are here?” You don’t remember telling them either what number your apartment was. 

Seonghwa sets the food they bought for you on the table. “We wanted to fill you in on some things.” 

“Coffee, water, tea?” 

This was going to be a long night. 

--------

Seonghwa takes another sip of his tea and  Hongjoong hasn’t touched his coffee yet. You on the other hand, haven’t touched your water. “So you’re telling me,” you start, trying to wrap your head around this piece of information. “Choi San, thinks that I liked Seonghwa.” 

“Thought, but yeah..” Seonghwa corrects gently and his gaze carries sympathy at how you just looked so tired with this chaos. Your face is hidden behind your hands before you lean back against your seat. The entire night ended up with the two of them having dinner with you while filling you in on details you missed. 

There’s silence now as you try to absorb the information. It’s only then that Hongjoong drinks his now cold coffee. He glances at the male beside you, concern in his eyes. Truthfully, even he didn’t know how to console you. Everything has been full speed ahead for everyone, while he and the boys are accustomed to it, you needed time to recuperate. “Do you want to say everything in your mind?”

“Hongjoong, my mind’s a mess.”

“That’s perfectly fine. You gotta let it out right?”

So that’s when you filled them in on your conversation with your best friend earlier today. “Her thought is that I have feelings for San too but I don’t know if I do.” Hongjoong peers at you curiously and it’s Seonghwa’s turn to shoot him a look. 

“Because..?” 

“Because, I don’t really spend time with you guys outside work responsibilities?” That was a valid point you had there. Hongjoong hums at your reply, letting you continue. “Don’t get me wrong, all of you are great to be with but the idea of someone… liking me merely because of what I signed up to do is a little weird.” You admit, looking down at your glass of water. “Mind you, the only time I’ve hanged out with you guys outside of work is now and it’s not even everyone.” 

While to them they aren’t surprised that San had caught feelings for you, your logical approach to this somewhat surprised them. San could definitely learn a thing or two from you. 

“Question.” Seonghwa pipes up, two pairs of eyes turning to him. “So what if things happened a little differently, would you have caught feelings for him too?” 

That was admittedly a question you don’t know the answer to. The whole what if premise never entered your thoughts. “I don’t know the answer to that Seonghwa. If I did, I would’ve answered that earlier on.” 

Silence again and the three of you finish your meals. It’s only after that discussion that the boys catch you up with everything and talk with you about other things besides work. It was a nice change you had to admit from everything. “How can you even watch that movie? I had to watch that between my fingers.” The eldest whines much to the mild annoyance of his peer. 

“Cause they don’t get easily scared like you, Seonghwa.” Hongjoong returns with ease, much to your entertainment. You look at the time, and your spirit deflates at how the night has to end. 

“As much as I would like to keep this going, it’s late…” You say carefully. The boys catch your meaning and help you clean up. Bless their hearts for being the ones willing to deal with the trash of the food they bought. “Thank you for tonight. Get some sleep okay?” You bid them a good night, not heading inside until they’re out of your eyesight. The peace is short lived, as you head back inside. The apartment’s quiet again, save for the faint volume of your laptop playing music. Your thoughts though, will start to run eventually. It feels a little lonely this time, it’s been too long since you’ve had people at your place. 

--------

You’re going through social media in bed, wondering what’s new lately. You notice that there’s a new tweets about San, fear runs through your veins, preparing for the worst. When you open the topic, it’s all good words; fans from other idol groups praising him for his performance ethics, professionals from other fields praising him for his attitude and looks. Relief floods over you and you catch yourself shedding tears. You don't understand how something as small as this pushes you to tears but it does. You don't sob, instead they're quiet tears. Not because you didn't want your neighbors or anyone to hear you, you just didn't have the strength to sob.  You’re just tired from everything. 

Maybe that extra day will help you. You hope it will. Hopefully, things get better soon.

Part 6

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Empty Words (Bucky x reader)

Empty words (Based on the song by Beth Crowley)

Bucky Barnes X reader 

Warnings: Break-up, tearing apart your room, angst (not with Bucky), comfort (with Bucky)

Word count 1924

Summary: Reader goes through a rough break-up and calls her friend Bucky to help her.

---------------

“Look, I just need some time to think things over okay? I just need some time to myself,” they said. You shook your head. You knew what they meant. They weren’t trying to find themselves. They were trying to find someone else. “I should go,” they said.

You started pleading with them. “Please, don’t leave! Stay - don’t go, please…” It was as if you weren’t saying anything. they didn’t acknowledge you, just kept walking towards the door. “Is this really what you want?!” you yelled. They just slammed the door.

You were crying, and let out a few sobs. You began frantically walking around the room, anger boiling your blood. You tossed photographs across your apartment, breaking the frames. You threw a lamp on the ground, punched a hole in the wall...you looked around at the apartment. Shattered glass covered the floor, along with pieces of furniture splayed about. You didn’t even remember pushing them. Or throwing them, if that’s what had happened. The pain didn’t register until you looked down at your hands and bare feet, bleeding from the shards of glass. 

You began crying harder and sunk to the floor up against the wall. You don’t know how long you sat there, but the sun had since set. Hands shaking, you pulled out your phone and dialed your best friend. Bucky.

One ring. Two rings. Three rings -

“Hello?” a tired voice answered. 

Your throat went dry, and you just kept sniffling. “Bucky…” you said weakly.

He sat up, any exhaustion gone from his body. “Y/n? What happened?”

You just started crying harder. You couldn’t find any of the right words to say, and the tears wouldn’t stop long enough to form a full sentence. Bucky pushed himself out of his bed and reached for his shoes. “Y/n, where are you? Are you at your place?”

You nodded, forgetting for a moment that he couldn’t see you. “Yeah,” you croaked out.

“I’ll be right there.”

He hung up and came out of his room, running through the compound to the garage. He threw himself into the car that corresponded with the key he had stolen from the place where Stark kept them - he’d deal with him later. He sped out into the streets, making his way to your house. What could have possibly happened at 2 in the morning to make you this upset? Why had you called him and not your partner? Realization set in to Bucky and he hardened. This better not have anything to do with them.

It must have only been 5 minutes since he had hung up, but to you it felt like hours. When he finally knocked on the door, you managed to say “Come in.”

When he opened the door, his face paled at the image in front of him. What the hell had happened? He called out your name and you whimpered in your corner, his eyes landing on you after following the sound. He stepped over the broken glass, not concerned with it at the moment. He came over and crouched in front of you. His heart broke at the sight of your bleeding extremities and your shaking frame. 

“Hey, it’s me. y/n, look at me.” he said.

You met his gaze, and he saw just how much pain was in your gaze. He wrapped his arms around you and cradled your head against his chest. “Shh, it’s alright,” he whispered. He took a deep breath. “What happened doll?”

Your eyes started tearing up again as you tried to speak. “they...they left...I begged them to...but they…”

Bucky hushed you again, getting the point and not wanting to upset you any further. The two of you sat there for a while, him helping you try to calm down and you trying to process what had happened.

“Why don’t they want me?” you whispered.

Bucky felt his heart lurch. “Because they’re a bastard who doesn’t know what they have even though it’s right in front of them.” He swallowed. “They don’t deserve you.”

“Then why do I feel like it’s the other way around?”

The two of you sat in silence for a few minutes, your cries dying down into numbness and exhaustion. “Do you want me to stay?” he asked.

You simply nodded, not wanting to be alone right now. “Can we go somewhere else?” you asked. You didn’t want to wake up to this tomorrow. He agreed and picked you up, carrying you back to the car. When he started it, you noticed just exactly how early it was. It was now just after 3 in the morning, and you wondered how all that time had passed.

The drive back to the tower was silent, Bucky not wanting to make you relive tonight and you being too numb to. He helped you inside and up to his room, trying to be as quiet as possible so you didn’t wake anyone. You fell back onto the bed and curled up in a ball on your side, trying to shut everything out. 

You slept the entire next day.

You stayed for about a week, not feeling up to facing your own home again quite yet. You cycled between feeling the emotions too heavily to being too numbed out to care about anything. As the days passed, you numbed out more and more. You were starting to believe what Bucky had told you, that the person who had broken your heart wasn’t worth your time or energy.

You finally decided that you were okay to go back to your house. You’d have to face it sooner or later, and the mess wasn’t going to get any smaller. Bucky offered to come with you, but you told him you’d be alright on your own. You were starting to go back to your normal self again, and you didn’t think the memories would be too painful.

You walked in the door to everything you did that night. It was now that you realized the extent that you lost it. There was more shattered glass on the floor than patches where the floor was clear, most of the furniture was overturned, pictures were everywhere and the frames were in broken pieces everywhere else, and you had no idea where to start.

Great.

You decided to start with the glass, walking over to the closest to grab your broom and a pan to sweep it into. You made your way through the room, sweeping up everything that was broken and putting the pictured on the counter. You’d decide if you wanted to keep them later. After the floor was clear you started turning the furniture right side up and putting it back in its place. 

This entire process only took about an hour, but you were wiped out. The memories, despite your resistance, did start flooding back in. it wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be, you were able to push away the pain of them relatively quickly. 

You decided to watch something on Netflix to get a few laughs in before you called it a night. Flipping through your options, you settled on your favorite show and had your finger on the play button, when there was a knock on the door.

You groaned. Seriously?

You put the remote back on the table and walked over to the door. It was probably just Bucky because you probably forgot something back at the tower.

You were not expecting it to be the person who walked out on you a week ago. 

“Hey,” they said with a smile, letting themselves in. It was as if nothing had happened. You tensed and froze a little. You crossed your arms and turned to them. “What are you doing here?” you asked coldly.

They sat on the armrest of the sofa, facing you. “I - I’m sorry. Look, I never should have walked out that door. I love you, and I shouldn’t have left in the first place. Everything I need is right here,” they stood making his way over to you. “Can you forgive me?”

You kept your face expressionless. You weighed your options. You were finally starting to move on, you had cut your losses with them. You thought of them as some asshole who didn’t really care about you in the first place. Yet here they were again.

“You think it’s that easy?” you asked, walking away and turning your back on them.

They scoffed a little, turning back to you. “Y/n, I fucked up. I’m sorry. Just give me another chance. I can change, I’ll be what you want me to be. Just tell me what you want from me.”

You laughed dryly turning back to them. “I wanted you to not leave in the first place! I wanted you to listen to me begging you to stay. I wanted you to not throw away what we had. I wanted to know you loved me.” you shook your head. “You had your chance to give me what I wanted. Now? I want you to leave.”

They stepped toward you again. “Don’t do this y/n.”

“Do what? Exactly what you did to me?” you shook your head. “I’m sure that there will be someone else you can fool with your words. Go find her. She’s out there somewhere. But you won’t find her here”

“I swear, I’ll do anything -”

“Yeah, those are just empty words. What about the next time? You’ll say this is the last time until it happens again. So just do us both a favor and move on. “

They shook his head, anger dancing in their eyes. “You’ll be sorry y/n. You’ll change your mind and I won’t be there anymore. You’re nothing without me.

You shook your head. “Say whatever you want. Nothing you say could ever hurt me again. I know better than to waste my time on you. I’ll find someone who knows what they have when they have it. So, I’ll ask you again: go.” You even surprised yourself with your words. You weren’t really thinking about what you were saying, the words were just coming out. And from their reaction, he wasn’t expecting it either.

They opened and closed his mouth a few times, anger and confusion fighting each other on their face. Finally their face hardened again and they walked out just like they had before, making sure to slam it behind them.

You let out a breath you hadn’t known you had been holding and sat back on the couch. Did that really just happen? Were you happy with yourself? Were you proud? Disappointed? Did you actually want this? Was that the right decision?

You shook your head. No. you were not going to let them back in. You had already mourned once, they wasn’t worth a second round. But still… No. You were better off without them. You were sure of that now, thanks to Bucky's help.

You felt your heart tug a little bit. Bucky had been so kind to you and made you feel better about yourself than anyone else had in your entire life. You pulled out your phone to send him a text.

Hey, you still free? Turns out I don’t want to be alone after all.

He texted back almost instantly

Be right there. You ok?

You smiled as you responded

Never been better.

[struwwelzeter]

THANK YOU. I’m so tired of everyone hand waving away how bad the DDR truly was because they all look at Flake and go “smashing, you funky little Commie.” The other four (Not Oli since he’s functionally mute, sorry bruh) are all pretty vocal about how shit it was and how badly growing up there fucked them up, but sure. Let’s ignore the 99% evil, in favor of Flake not having to make decisions about what kind of coffee he wants. Priorities.

Yes, but they all also DO say that some parts weren’t that bad. The point is, it’s not completely black and white, and it would be nice if we could treat it as not black and white. My problem witb Flake in that interview was that it sounded a bit like the bad didn’t exist, which he has also manged to mention before.

This is such difficult thing just in general. I think there is a tendency, especially right now, to want to sweeten the deal with this system because we are all so god damn tired and victimized by capitalism. I get that, hell I’m a red flag waving half-way there commie myself but it’s really only reactionary.

I watched the Rohwedder documentary the other day (the one Flake is in, it’s A Perfect Crime on Netflix), and one of those old white capitalist assholes hands down goes “well they were all doing well, noone had to starve, they never feared for their workplace, but they did not create wealth” as if the only reason to exist was this amounting stuff concept that destroys the planet and makes people miserable, and yeah, I kind of wanted to hit that dude in the head and follow Flake into revolution.

But then you weren’t allowed to dress the way you wanted. Listen to the music the way you wanted. Play the way you wanted. Opt out of a job you hated. Make the art you wanted or look at the art you wanted. Refuse to pick up a weapon and you go to jail. Be on the wrong demonstration and end up being beaten up. Get pumped full of testosterone without your consent in order to win gold medals to improve the image of the motherland.

The problem with political discourse at the moment is that we are all still essentially fighting the cold war. Someone asks for affordable health care and uses the word socialism and someone who suffered under this system understandably never wants to hear that again. And there we go running circles, instead of understanding that we can learn from both sides mistakes and build something new. That possibility gets negated way too much and is surprisingly little part of the political discourse, because we are more tied up in finding quick solutions rather than a new political philosophy.

I always liked how they talked about it in the past because I think especially Till and Paul were quite good at making the point about what was good and what was bad. Acknowledging that not everything was terrible in the DDR is a good thing. Acknowledging that we can never have it back anyway because it was also build on abuse and censorship is also a good thing. Can we please just have both.

[mininky]

Love is for the birds baby!

Summary: You refuse to believe in love. It’s a concept created by big corporations like hallmark to get sad saps like you to buy their shit. But it’s all fake. You’re convinced of that at least until a series of events with a certain tattoo artist who you loved to hate makes you question everything you’ve ever known.

Pairing: Tattoo artist!Yoongi x (fem) reader

Genre/Warnings: Romance, slow burn, fluff, comedy, smut warnings include: unsafe sex (always wear a condom), oral sex (male & fem receiving), multiple orgasms, spanking, light breath play, mentions of squirting. Non smut warnings for lots of cussing. Lots.

Word Count: 13.3K

A/N: A special shout out to @mzpandylu for inspiring me with such odd dialogue. Also challenge accepted, a quivering starfish is mentioned.

   Love is a completely abstract and intangible concept to you, at least romantic love is. There are many forms of love. Familial love is a concept you sort of understand, let's just say that your home life wasn't the greatest but you do at least understand the concept. Platonic love you completely understand. But romantic love? You very secretly yearn to understand it, desperately trying to figure out how the fuck some people get so lucky that the spark happens. You've dated, sure. But try as you might none of them have ever made your head spin or your heart sing. Lust you get. You've had plenty of flings and even some longer relationships, but love? Love is for the birds baby.

   You refuse, absolutely refuse, to admit that you have in any way shape or form an interest in this bizarre concept that is the investment and endeavor of romantic love. You've carefully hidden away all of your fanfics and all of your shojo mangas and all of the things that others would say is honestly completely normal to keep questions at bay. You know that your friends are interested in love, and unlike you they have no shame in admitting it. They talk about it all the time. They fall in 'love' with each man they date. But you're convinced that's not love. It's something more than like, sure you'll give them that but you're sure that it'll all end eventually. Love isn't sustainable because it's all a lie. Maybe you're too romantic at being romantic, perhaps you've just been suckered into all these stories into believing that a whirlwind romance is possible until one day the crushing realization that it wasn't possible occurred. That the sparks of electricity and burning hot embers of passion aren't sustainable and aren't indicative of love.

   You were twenty, he was twenty-one. The two of you had been dating mutually for three years at that point, a lifetime in college years. Billy Johnson. Fucking Billy. He was smart and funny and he actually knew what a clit was, and he kissed you under the night stars and made you feel like you were in love. Maybe you were, but you like to think that the feelings you felt weren't actually that strong. It made the fallout easier. Which brings you to the fallout, that realization that romantic love is all a big corporate lie to sell shitty grocery store roses and cute snuggly teddy bears and dime back novels to sad sops like you. A marketing ploy. Not a reality. Fuck Plato for being the first to sell the idea of soulmates, and fuck Billy too. Billy Johnson was a cruel heartless asshole who fucked your best friend. And in one day you lost two loves, one romantic and one platonic. In turn, you gained a distinct hatred for romantic concepts and a world-weary view on relationships, waiting for the other shoe to drop every time you encountered someone new.

   You dated again after that, but now at the young age of twenty-six, you've decided that it's time to give up. Or maybe you gave up after Billy. You can't say you've ever actually given it a real try after that if you're being honest. You know when to call it quits. You refuse, absolutely refuse, to be a corporate sellout. And your feelings are in no way shape or form reflective of the animosity at being broken up with by Johny last week because you were too 'sarcastic' in the middle of your vacation to Busan. Too sarcastic your ass. You'll show that motherfucker sarcastic. God, sorry, you're getting off track here. Where were you again?

   Ah yes, love is for apparently everyone that isn't you. So you'll just be a cat lady. An affection earned entirely by ear scritches and feeding them. A reward system that makes sense. You take care of them and they tolerate you. Now that you understand. That makes sense. Why in the ever loving fuck would you try romance again when instead you can have a mutually beneficial understanding with something as cute as a cat that can't tell you 'I think you're a bitch' in a language you understand? Fuck Johnny, and Billy. And every other man for that matter.

   You're ruminating in anger as you order your coffee, eyes staring straight into the young and timid barista as you slap down the change. Poor kid, it's not his fault but today you just hate the world. You try to smile but you're pretty sure that just scares him more if the way his eyes go large and round in fear is anything to go by. Christ, you need to work on your people skills. And you're totally not thinking that because of that dick weasel who you've decided will no longer be named.

   Normally once you get your caffeine fix you're in a much better mood, but today the only thing you want to do is karate chop your own throat. Or maybe just play Red Dead Redemption 2 and kill a bunch of people in a completely legal way. Not online though, you really don't need another 13-year-old boy slurring about how much girls suck unless you want to unleash the crazy bitch inside of you to the point of no return. But unfortunately, you have bills to pay. Caffeine fixes to afford. Student loans to pretend you'll someday actually pay off except interest is a bitch. Which means going to work. Normally something you love, but today you're really not in the mood to edit another shitty sci-fi story where the physics of breasts go beyond the dudebro fedora lover that wrote the shitty thing.

   Be an editor they said. You love books they said. You'll be great they said. They hadn't warned you that being an editor at a major publishing house still meant reading through a painful amount of crap writing that you would, in turn, make all pretty and nice and somewhat more presentable garbage for public consumption with no acknowledgment or credit for all the hours you spent trying not to bash your screen in with your face. At least you were close enough to walk to work.

   You grab your piping hot venti quad shot vanilla latte (with soy) as you go back out into the frigid air. Your eyes are cast down on the pavement, trying not to bump into too many of the zombie state morning foot traffic as you make your way into the office. At least you have an office of your own, a salvation of peace and quiet away from prying eyes that allows you to wallow in self-pity safely. The rest of the day goes by in a blur, your normally somewhat antisocial personality becomes far more present as you hide away from even your beloved breakroom coffee pot to avoid too many interactions. You just knew that you would end up running into Susan. Nice gal, but she talks way too much and she set you up with Johnny no wait, the douche canoe. You forgot he must never be named again. The last thing you need is her bringing up how he dumped in you in the middle of your vacation.

   You're also the last one to leave tonight. For someone who didn't really want to step foot into the building, you sure do seem to be having a hard time getting out of here. But there are deadlines to meet and your vacation meant that there's a pileup of work that needs to be done. That and you really don't feel like going into your empty apartment to binge watch on Netflix while you host another internal pity party.

   By the time you're finally out the door and into the freezing winter night, you can feel exhaustion seeping deep into your bones. Or that might just be the joint pain that this super shitty winter is causing. That's another thing the world lied about, joint pain isn't just for old people. It's apparently also for future cat spinsters who hate everything no matter their current age. Your head is stuck on the last chapter you were editing, trying to make sense of how exactly you might be able to convince the author to scrap the whole damn thing politely as your nose picks up on the smell of a cigarette wafting over. Your stomach rumbles, brain shutting off as fingers twitch. God, it's been two years since you stopped smoking but it smells so painfully fucking good right now.

   Your face whips up as you see the small trail of smoke wafting over to you. It's the guy from the tattoo shop, Min fucking Yoongi. You should've known. The guy is hot you'll give him that. Eyes just sharp enough to give him that bad boy image when paired with his full sleeve tattoos and the crawling cherry blossoms on his neck. The chronic scowl that says 'try me' in a way that oddly makes him hotter. Hair that looks like he spends way too much time on usually. Today however he's decked out in a beanie and black leather jacket with pants just tight enough to make you wish he would turn around and walk away. But in the last year since you've unfortunately gotten to know him you know that he's every bit as snarky, bitchy, and firey as you. He's also as much bite as he is bark, although so far you've never been the one he's pointed his bite at.

   "(Y/N), I see you were working late again." He takes a lazy drag on his cigarette, eyes staring straight through you as his lips quirk up into a smirk.

   "Yoongi." Your eyes narrow in on his, fingers twitching at your side as you bite down the incessant desire to beg for a cigarette. You won’t break, especially not in front of him. Just because you’ve had a series of bad days doesn’t mean you actually need that cigarette.

   "Jesus, what's wrong with you? You seem even bitchier than normal. I guess this cold snap we're having is because the ice queen decided to control your body."

   "Har-har-har little man." He bristles at the jab and you can't help but cackle internally at your small victory (pun completely intended.) "No for your information the world is a cruel, evil bitch and yet again I fell for its corporate seductions and evil capitalist ploys."

   "Right, I'm going to nod my head and pretend I understood what that meant just so you don't kill me. Hey, so are you ever going to get that tattoo or not?"

   You reach into the trenches of your memory, recalling months ago on a particularly good day when you told this same tiny Satan that you wanted to get a tattoo. He had seemed oddly impressed that you wanted a snake on your upper thigh and all was well until he told you that he pictured you wanting some shitty positive statement, most likely placed on your collarbone or ribcage and adorned with little doves or a dreamcatcher or some other shit. Bleh. That's when he first learned that you are possibly insane and most certainly a bit of a bitch. It's all been downhill with him since, each run in turning into a battle of insults.

   He stubs out the little remaining part of his Marlboro before gesturing to the warm shop. "I've got an opening to do a consult if you wanna talk about it more."

   Perhaps this is it, maybe this is what you need to do. Something different. Something that doesn't include your usual routine of wake up, caffeinate, work, work, work, and Netflix binge all in between minor anxiety driven breakdowns. Besides, it's just a consult, not the actual tattoo. "How do I know this isn't an elaborate plan to eventually see me half naked?"

   Yoongi rolls his eyes as he opens the door to the shop, glaring at you as he speaks slowly. "You might be hot, but I have a feeling you'd be the type of girl to try to peg me with no lube. I prefer cuddling. Trust me, I'm not interested in getting you naked and seeing where it goes." You're thrown for a loop at that one, shuffling slowly behind him as your brain tries to make sense of it. You know you should be offended that he seriously thinks you wouldn't use lube, but Yoongi likes cuddling? The guy who scowls at life itself? The guy who you've watched physically throw out a neo-nazi who wanted a tattoo? The same guy who rides a motorcycle and refuses sugar in his coffee because he likes it as bitter as his very soul? Man, life is really fucking weird.

   You follow behind him tentatively, shocked to hear rather calm hip hop station on. Maybe you stereotype too much but you pegged him (pun not intended this time) as a Lamb of God kind of guy, definitely not a Dean and PH-1 fan. He takes you over to his office, gesturing at a free seat before he sits down at his desk. Every surface is covered with intricate artwork. From Japanese style tattoos to Sailor Jerry flash pieces to pops of dystopian Disney paintings. "So, you still thinking about doing the same thing?"

   "Yeah. Red Belly black snake. I'm thinking upper thigh/hip area." You stand up and move your coat to the side to point to the area.

   "That's a good sized piece. Have you thought about adding anything more to it? Maybe some hyacinths on the left and right of the snake, I'm thinking in maybe a pale pink so it doesn't offset the red in the snake too much."

   "You know what a hyacinth is?" You snort slightly, glaring back at him when he leans onto his elbows to shoot a look that he's probably hoping will kill you.

   "I'm a tattoo artist. Do you know how many fucking flowers I have to draw every day? Swear to god I should open up a flower shop next door and make a killing with my amazing arrangements." This time you give a full-blown laugh, shocked to hear him mirroring quietly. In all the time you've kinda sorta known him you've never heard him laugh. It's nice, deep, and the gummy smile he gives has your heart doing little flip flops that you absolutely refuse to analyze.

   You take just a beat too long to look at him, your head tilted slightly as you mentally murder the lone butterfly that has survived all of the anger you've culminated in the last few years. "How about a peony instead? I think it would look better."

   "We can do that. With the size you're looking for and all the color work I'd guess that we're looking at at least 6 hours if we want to make sure it's done right. We can split it into two three hours sessions. I charge $200 an hour so you're looking at at least $1200, but you might want to be thinking to around the $1600 range just to be safe. I also require a $300 deposit usually just for a consult and another $300 later but I figure I can always hound you if you don't come in." He opens up his computer, clicking away for a moment before adding, "I have enough time to get started this Friday night if you want? At 8:00."

   "Gee thanks for the trust. Yeah that all sounds good, I'm down."

   He nods quickly, hands grabbing at some paper as he starts making drafting up some rough sketches. You try not to invade his space as you look over the paper, brain desperately searching for a small talk topic. God, you've always been bad at this. "So...how long have you been a tattoo artist?"

   "Well I started my apprenticeship right out of high school at 18 so 10 years total, but as an actual artist only about 8 years." Interesting, so that would make him two years older than you. For some reason, you feel a need to put that in one of your mental files. "What exactly do you do at that giant office building down the street?"

   "I work for a publishing house in there as one of their many editors."

   Yoongi snorts, nodding his head as he keeps sketching away. "Yeah, I can see you working with books. Your creative insults suddenly make so much more sense."

   "I'll take that as a compliment." You lean back into your chair, taking in your surroundings a little more closely before focusing unabashedly at the man before you. His tattoos are on full display now that he's taken off his jacket. Almost all are black and white with small splashes of reds and pinks laced mostly on his neck where cherry blossoms fall delicately off a branch. His eyes are cast in complete concentration, lower lip bitten as he works. There's something painfully sexy about the image. You almost want to burn it into your brain to use for late night consumption.

   You aren't sure how long the two of you sit there in silence, but it's comfortable. There's something soothing about listening to the way his markers glide over the paper as soft music, buzzing tattoo guns, and chatter filters in fuzzily through the closed door. You can feel yourself finally start to relax, all of the earlier rage and grudges held at the world slipping away momentarily as you enter a near-meditative state just watching him work.

   Finally, he glances up, a smile on his face as he pushes the paper over the desk to you. It's beautiful, a little rough around the edges without the finishing touches but it's better than anything you thought of. "Wow, Yoongi this looks great."

   "It's just a rough drawing. I still need to work on some of the other touches but if you're good with that I'll get started on making the transfer later this week."

   "Yeah..." You words are quiet as you look at the picture, elation growing in your heart. You might turn into a cat lady, but at least you'll be a badass one. "Okay, so seriously though do you want me to put down the deposit now? I have no problem with that."

   "Nah, don't sweat it. Oh, but I do need your full name and number to actually book it. And don't give me some shit about this being a ploy for your number." You roll your eyes before giving him the information. Standing up slowly when he opens up the office door and leads you back out to light snowfall. "Alright, see you this Friday (y/n)."

   "See you Yoongi. Thanks again." As you turn back to send a smile something painfully familiar stirs in your brain when he flashes that gummy smile and sends you on your way.

---------------Friday----------------

   By the time Friday rolls around you've been through a whole litany of emotions. You're of course excited about the tattoo, that's not the problem. No the source of all evils is Min Yoongi. Sexy. Witty. Can handle your sarcasm. Enjoys cuddling. He's plagued your thoughts, gummy smiles invading your daydreams and inky tattoos hovering over you at night. It's been a long time since you've actually crushed on anyone. Dating as an adult is an entirely different experience. Usually, you know someone who knows them or met them on tinder and you're just praying that they aren't a secret serial killer and that you share enough interests to talk in between getting railed while praying for an orgasm. At least, that's been your shitty experiences anyway. You know that it isn't always the case considering that just about all of your friends have gotten magically engaged or married recently. But Yoongi? There's something about him that stirs up all of your previously assumed dead thoughts on love. All of the secret romantic pinings combines with lust in a painful swirl but luckily the thoughts you have of him are usually fleeting.

   You step forward into the tattoo shop after grabbing a bite to eat, two warm cocoas in your hand as you try not to freak out that the big event is finally here and you'll be face to face with tiny, sexy, tattooed satan yet again. The man behind the counter looks over at you, and you can't help but wonder for a moment if being really good looking is a requirement to work here. Deep dimples, sunkissed skin, glasses perched on his nose.

   "Hi, do you have an appointment?" You shake your head yes, staring at the floor for a moment before finally squeaking out that you're there to see Yoongi.

   "Ay, (Y/N)'s here!" He shouts out towards Yoongi's office and you see him strolling out just a moment later.

   "Jesus Joon, you've been spending too much time around Hobi. I think the whole shop could hear you." Yoongi steps around the desk eyeing the other cup before you hand it out to him.

   "It's just cocoa, I didn't lace it. This time. Also, it's made with soy milk." You can hear the man called Joon laughing in the background as Yoongi slowly grabs the cup and squints at it before taking a tentative sip.

   He gives a small nod that you assume is to signify satisfaction before he starts walking over to a curtained-off section in the back. "You ready to get started?"

   "Yep, all ready!" You take a sip of the cocoa and sit down on the tattoo chair slowly.

   "Alright, just check over this transfer and let me know what you think before you undress so I can put it on." You look over the image, heart warming up slightly at the brush of his fingers before you finally nod a silent affirmation. "I need words babe, is it good or not?"

   You can feel yourself bristle at the tone, sighing wearily before you finally bite out, "Yes, babe, it's perfect."

   "Cool. I'll leave you to get undressed, I'll be back in just a moment." The one shitty thing about the placement of your tattoo is that it will require not only pants to come off but underwear too. Before nerves can take over you strip quickly, laying back down on your side before you can think about it too much. Getting undressed faster than you can sneeze was probably a bad idea though because now you're forced to just sit there with your ass cheeks freezing and mind shutting down while you wait for him to come back. After a minute you hear him announcing that he's coming in before opening up the curtain.

   Your eyes are trained on the floors. Jesus, you wish you could get your tiles to glisten the way their's does. They must mop a thousand times a day, you can't even see a speck of dirt in the grout. The sound of him clearing his throat has you jolting a bit before turning around to glare at the sound of his laughter. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I'm just going to disinfect the area and put the transfer on then I'll have you take a look and let me know what you think of the placement." You decide to go mute apparently as your only response is a feeble thumbs up before quickly turning to resume your ever so interesting study on what floor cleaner they use. Probably Fabuloso.

   You force yourself to stay stock still when you feel his warm hands on your hip as he cleans the area and peels the transfer on before he gives a light tap to your thigh. "Alright, take a look." With all the grace of a hospice patient you slowly swing your legs off and walk over to the mirror, trying to not pay attention to the fact that you're awkwardly half naked in front of arguably the hottest man who's admitted he enjoys cuddling before you finally relax at the sight of the transfer. "Man, this is going to look rad. Alright little satan, do your thing!"

   "Little Satan? Really? What happened to all your usual creative bitchiness? What was it you called me that one time?"

   "Oh! Degenerate Malfoy with a nicotine problem? Or was it wannabe colon inspector?"

   "Neither actually, it wasn't even something you called me now that I remember it. You once told me 'Ah I see the fuck up fairy decided to mess with my life and force me to see you yet again.' That's a good one by the way, I've used it a few times."

   "Glad I could help, but I wish I could copyright it so you could pay me the rights to use it." You try not to get too nervous as you hear him slip on his gloves and the needle buzzing ominously behind you. The pain won't be that bad right? "Relax, you'll be fine." His voice for once isn't laced with sarcasm. It seems that even the formidable Yoongi has a professional voice that he employs occasionally.

   After what feels like ages filled with anxiety-ridden thoughts you feel the needle prodding away, moving quickly while leaving tingling and ever slight burning sensations in its wake. It does hurt, but not to the point of being unbearable. "See it's not so bad, scaredy cat." You resist the urge to turn around and pummel him in his annoyingly handsome face.

   "If you weren't tattooing me right now I'd choke you out."

   "Kinky, but I prefer a chick to at least buy me a drink first."

   "Already did jackass, the cocoa remember."

   "Huh, you did didn't you. Okay, well it's still off the table for you. You'd probably keep going until I actually died."

   "Hell misses it's little satan though, I'd just be helping you reunite with all your friends."

   "Do you have a snarky remark for everything princess?"

   "Nah, depends on the day and the person. You're a special one Min Yoongi, something about you makes me want to bludgeon things."

   "Oh, what a sweet compliment. Isn't that how people feel when things are too cute too?" You don't even need to look over to know that he's smirking as you flip him off.

   "Or annoying." The rest of the three hours the two of you spend going back and forth with each other to the point that some of the other artists passing by started to call out their two cents in. By the time you're done, you have the outline complete and some of the black shaded in. The rest will be done in just two weeks time at his next opening.

-------------2 weeks later-----------

   Oddly enough for once, you haven't seen Yoongi outside during his normal smoke break time when you leave work for the last couple of weeks. You also haven't seen him getting his normal disgusting black coffee either. Not that you've been looking for him. Okay...so maybe you have. There's just something about him other than the really good looks you like. In one sense it's almost like walking on a blade the entire time you're with him, never sure when he's going to make a jab. On the other hand, he's also easy to talk to. In a way where everything is oddly comfortable even with this underlying lurking sexual tension. Or maybe that's just in your head. Maybe there's no sexual tension and it's just been so long since you last had a good lay (the dingleberry boy who shall not be named was terrible) that you're starting to hallucinate. Which is a rather real possibility.

   This time when you walk in with another cocoa it's with far fewer nerves. No, you're ready for the battlefield and only tremble ever so slightly when you have to face him with a bare ass in his face.

   "Alright sunshine, let's finish this bad boy up." Is all he states before he gets right into it, ever the professional. By the time he's finished, you're 110% positive that you were just imagining the sexual tension because his eyes don't even wander as you check the tattoo in the mirror. Which is a good thing right? Because you're supposed to be on your fast track to nundom not trying to bag the super hot tattoo artist who works near you.

   There's a bizarre sinking feeling in your heart though when you realize the tattoo is done and you won't be able to see him for extended periods of time on such a good excuse. An expensive excuse, but an excuse nonetheless. Now, however, with your beautiful, intricate, and very sore skin you'll have to go back to happenstance run-ins. You think that maybe, just maybe, if the somewhat hollow looking smile he gives you when you leave is anything to go by that he doesn't really want it to end either. But that's probably just the few embers of hope remaining in you that needs to be crushed out.

--------1 month later---------

   You've spent another night overworking yourself. This time there wasn't really a good reason to either. You're not only on schedule but way ahead and yet you've decided to just keep busting through work until dusk begins to fall and the shitty flickering streetlights by you turn on. Almost every night for the past few weeks you've been working longer days and as much as you hate to admit it it's to try to keep yourself from wallowing too much at night about your impending lonely doom. Tonight will be different though. Tonight you'll ruminate and bask in the fucked up world with your dear old friend Irene as she's finally decided to have a night away from her obnoxiously good looking fiance Taehyung. She might not be able to relate to your doom and gloom sentiments on life but she's always a good friend for a pick me up.

   You set off in the opposite direction of your usual route, winding through the chilly streets until you get to your favorite bar that serves oddly impressively delicious fried chicken. The moment you step in you notice Irene sitting at one of the few tables at the place, glaring at a man who clearly can't take a hint. Marching over you grab the seat across from her before biting off a 'Jesus how much aftershave do you use? Did you put in on your asshole too or something?' Knowing he's now outnumbered, and out bitched, the two of you watch the man leave without protest.

   "You know you really should be careful. People are crazy, aren't you ever afraid that you might get hurt or something?"

   You shrug nonchalantly before sighing at the doe eyes she gives you. "Irene, I love you but I'm not curtailing my inner bitch just because some douche might murder me. There are countless absurd ways I could die, if I have to check myself in fear of that then I just let all those asshats continue being menaces to society without being put in their shitty sad places."

   "So what you're like a superwoman with a bad attitude only you save the world one dick at a time with well-timed insults?" You know that voice, you know that voice all too well. Your ears perk up and your jaw drops open as you whip around to come eye to eye with Yoongi. For one whole month, you haven't seen him even with perfectly timed coffee runs around his smoke breaks. Not that you learned his habitual schedule or anything. Nope. Nothing like that at all. Just coincidence is all. And you just happened to notice he wasn't there. That's all.

   "Yoongi!" You hate the way your voice goes up an octave, excitement making your voice quiver like a little puppy reuniting with their owner after a short separation. You can already feel the heat bursting on your cheeks as his head tilts, eyes watching you carefully before he cracks a lazy smile.

   "Um, (y/n), who is this guy? Do I need to mace him or something?" Irene whispers to you, but just loud enough that as Yoongi steps closer he can hear her.

   "Please don't mace me. I promise, I only bite if you're into that."

   "Hey, watch it, mister. She's a taken woman." Reluctantly you wave your hand over the free seat to invite him over before looking back at Irene. "Irene this is Yoongi, Yoongi this is Irene. Yoongi did my tattoo for me."

   "Oh, you got a tattoo? Can I see it?"

   "We'll definitely get a free round of drinks if you show it off, that's for sure." You can't help but smack Yoongi's shoulder, shocked at the sturdiness of it. Considering how slight he looks you really didn't think that he worked out but now your mind is starting to wander.

   "Yeah well, kind of can't show you in public considering I have to take my pants off. Oh! But I do have some pictures!" You pull out your phone, swiping through until you find one and turning it to show her.

   "Wow, that looks like it hurt. It looks great though you did a good job..." Irene pauses, eyes going wide with panic before she finally adds, "Yoongi."

   "Thanks." He almost looks shy and you can feel your heart breaking. Yeah, typical to have the hot dude fall for your friend and not you.

   "Did you order drinks yet?" At the shake of Irene's head, you're grateful to have an excuse to flee to the bar not rushing to grab the bartenders attention and face falling slightly when he sidles up next to you immediately. The world is a cruel place. You want them to take their time and they're there immediately. You want them there right away and suddenly so do seventy other people. Luck. Or murphy's law maybe. Whatever.

   You huff out a sigh before plastering a smile on your face, "Two cranberry vodkas, please. Tall and stiff." The bartender nods as you slap down a twenty, praying that perhaps he'll at least make the drinks slowly but oh no this man must be one of those bartenders that enters fucking speed competitions because he's sliding both drinks over before you can fucking blink. Unbelievable. The service at this place is just too good and it's making you twitch slightly in irritation.

   Trying not to huff, you grab the two drinks and make your way back to your table. Heart sinking even more at the sound of Yoongi being strangely amicable to Irene. This was not the night you wanted at all. You wanted to get drunk and hang out with Irene and forget about how shitty boys are, not have glaring reminders everywhere about how the capitalist ploy that is romance will suffocate you to death. Okay so maybe you're being a little melodramatic. A lot. Whatever. It's your pity party, you can cry if you want to.

   When you finally sit back down and hand Irene her drink you can't help but guzzle yours back right away, ignoring the acidic burn in your throat and the quirked eyebrow from Yoongi.

   "So...(y/n)...any new boys after Johnny?" Irene refuses to look you in the eyes as she asks, smart enough to sit just out of reach from your possible rage.

   "I refuse to fall victim to the bullshit masquerade we call love yet again. I've called it quits. I'm just going to be a spinster with a million cats who will inevitably be forgotten until my landlord finds that mittens, my favorite cat, has eaten my left asscheek for sustenance after my untimely death."

   Irene bawks, trying immediately to rush into lengthy reasoning as to why you shouldn't stop searching for love as Yoongi nearly falls off his chair laughing so hard. At the end of Irene's dialogue, Yoongi wipes away a stray tear before shooting you a gummy smile. The kind that makes you want to hate him less, but you refuse to. Because that's dangerous territory. Territory you've sworn to never cross again. "You don't actually mean all that bullshit right? Love is natural, it's needed. It's biologically ingrained in us to be social creatures and affectionate."

   "Don't you judge me and mitten's life path!"

   "You don't even have a cat!" Irene looks exasperated as she takes a sip of her drink, silently judging you. "Listen, I get it. You've been fucked over a million times by terrible guys. But that doesn't mean that the whole world is that way." At the withering look you send her Irene sighs, shaking her head but falling mute. You feel a little bad that yet again you've ruined the mood so you try to lighten it up a bit, reaching over to pinch her cheek lightly.

   "Thanks, Irene. I'm sorry. I'm just...I don't know. I've been in a bit of a mood." You bit your tongue from further sarcasm at the pointed look she gives you. "Things haven't been so hot lately. I'll get over it. In like a decade. But you know that's better than never." You can feel Yoongi peering at you, analyzing you from the corner of your eye.

   "Why though? Why are you so convinced that love is such a sham?" Yoongi's words don't seem to hold any judgment or his usual quiet hostility, instead just honest curiosity.

   "Well if they don't cheat on me they always grow tired of me. I'm a bit too much of a bitch for my own good. I should really work on that." You shrug, staring at your almost empty glass as you try to shush the self-loathing thoughts that want to invade.

   "I like that part about you though. You've got spunk doll, it ain't a bad thing. You just need to find a guy who can match it." He smirks at the way you go quiet before leaning slightly into you at the table. "I don't know, I think I'm up for the challenge if you are." He grabs a card from his pocket, placing it next to your cup as he stands up. "That's my cell on there. Text me sometime babe." You hate the way your brain shuts down, playing back the way he calls you babe until all senses fail.

   "You should do it. You know he was asking about you the entire time you were getting drinks?" You feel your heart sink even further at the realization that you judged the situation too quickly before suddenly soaring at the idea that Min Yoongi asked you out on a date. You. Snarky, bitchy you found a match in hell. Capitalist ploys be damned! You'll at least find out if he's cocky for a reason. If you don't chicken out that is.

-----------------------------------

   Later that night after all the alcohol has left your system and you're snuggled up under enough blankets to possibly suffocate you, you find yourself staring at your phone. You entered in his contact almost immediately after he left at the urging of Irene. Apprehension has held you back from actually sending anything though. Your fingers hover over the screen, bottom lip stuck between your teeth as you suck in a breath. What have you got to lose?

[You]: Hey...

[Yoongi]: (Y/N)?

[You]: Yeah

[Yoongi]: This is unusual. I'm used to quippy remarks. Don't tell me you've grown soft?

[You]: Fuck off. I'm just confused that's all.

[Yoongi]: What's there to be confused about? You're funny, you have no problem with giving it right back to me, and you have a fantastic ass

[You]: Well that was blunt

[Yoongi]: I'm an honest man [Yoongi]: So listen, about that date, I wanna take you out Sunday

[You]: That's in like a day from now

[Yoongi]: Yeah well I've wanted to take you out from the first time you told me off for smoking on the street. And that time you told me you were going to shove my tattoo needle up my ass solidified it.

[You]: You have some odd kinks sir

[Yoongi]: Is that a yes babe?

[You]: Hmmm....yeah I'll go

[Yoongi]: Great send me your address I'll pick you up at noon

[You]: You aren't going to chop me up in a million pieces and feed me to the fishes right?

[Yoongi]: No I prefer my women in one piece

   You send over your address, butterflies swarming around as you squeal into a pillow before sending him a quick good night. You don't need to embarrass yourself by saying something off the wall as exhaustion starts to set in. Like "I want to kiss your face" or "Fuck me in your office." Yeah, that's not good pre-date material. You need to keep it kosher for now.

------------------------------------

   You had spent all day Saturday cleaning to keep your nerves at bay. Not that you can really tell much in your closet after you ransacked it. And not that you can tell you went through all of that energy just to pick a simple oversized black hoodie and jeans. It's too cold to go all out anyway. You've been staring in the mirror, double checking your hair and makeup a thousand times as you hear the doorbell chime through the apartment. It's a good thing no one else is around to see you nearly trip over yourself as you slip on your shoes and answer the door. "Hi!"

   Yoongi is wearing his usual black leather jackets, skin-tight black jeans, and cat-like smirk. "Hey. You ready?"

   "Yeah, oh just let me grab a jacket." Pulling one off the rack you shut the door behind you, locking the door before shuffling behind Yoongi. Much to your surprise, he slows down until your right next to him, clasping his hand around yours and smiling as he silently leads you to his car.

   "What, no motorcycle today?"

   "Nah, I figured you'd strangle me and we'd crash. Dieing on the first date just seems tragic. We need to get on date number five at least." He shoots you a wink as he opens your door, shutting it lightly behind him as he jogs around to the other side.

   "So...where exactly are you taking me?"

   "You're a curious little thing today, aren't you? Well at first I was thinking something simple like coffee, but let's be honest that's overplayed and boring. So then I thought about going to an aquarium just so I could make a joke about feeding you to the fishes but then I thought nah too easy. So I spent more time than I'll tell you plotting. And I realized exactly where we needed to go. We're going to the river for a picnic. Something that's oddly ordinary and you'll secretly love but no dude's ever actually done for you. Am I right?"

   You're at a loss. You certainly didn't expect him to think this through to this extent. Honestly, no guy has ever cared this much about a first date before. You figured that only existed in stories and movies at this point. "You're certainly right. Isn't it a little cold for a picnic though?"

   "I have brought plenty of cocoa and jjigae to keep us warm, don't you worry your pretty little head about it." You can't help but fidget slightly, nerves boiling over until his hand rests soothingly on your thigh and you feel yourself melt. Or maybe boil over until you malfunction. But that's something to dwell on at a later time.

   It doesn't take long after that until you pull up at the river. During springtime it's packed, everyone comes out to drink under the cherry blossoms, but right now it's serenely quiet. You're almost the only people in sight save the zealous runners and elderly couples strolling through on their daily walks. When you try to help set up the blanket and food Yoongi refuses, so instead you watch him meticulously lay everything out. Maybe this is a post-season Christmas movie because you swear you can feel your dead cold heart grow as you watch him. It's an oddly domestic feeling. Certainly romantic. Painfully sweet. And for once all of your usual bitter snarkiness has drowned it's self in the river to leave you a heart-eyed mess.

   "Come on, come sit. I told you before, I don't bite unless you're into that."

   "I'm into that, but right now I'd rather have cocoa and jjigae." You watch him pour out your drink as you sit down, carefully handing you the piping hot drink before pulling the still boiling soup out of the basket.

   "Alright, so I figured that being you'd probably refuse to tell me too much out of wariness. So I propose that we play 21 questions. What's your favorite food?"

   "Tofu, in all it's many forms. What's your favorite color?"

   "Black, just like my coffee."

   "And your soul." You duck as he tosses a napkin at your face, laughing at the gummy expression he sends your way.

   "Aish. Okay, next question, what are your hobbies?"

   "Reading and video games. Why'd you become a tattoo artist?"

   "I love drawing, but I especially love the idea of a living canvas. It's just so interesting. Although I hate that I don't usually get to control the outcome of it, some people have god awful tattoo ideas. Most people actually. I'm at least booked enough now that I can refuse those ones without worrying about my bank account too much. Why are you so afraid of love?"

   You weren't expecting that question. You figured he'd keep things easy but then again you should have known better. Of all the many ways you can describe the man before you easy isn't one of them. "Trust problems I guess. I didn't have the best home, parents kicked me out young and we haven't talked since so that's probably at the root of it all. I don't know though, never seen a shrink about it so that's just an educated guess. Add all the boys that I've dated either dumped me or cheated on me and it makes it tough to believe that love, especially romantic love is real. Why do you believe in it?"

   "Because love is the very essence of humanity. The best way to fight a shitty system that tries to keep us all down is through love. It's not power or money or any of that other bullshit they tell us we need. It's love. We all just need someone who understands us. It doesn't need to be a ton of people, just one who really gets us and bam! Everything's good. Sometimes those people come and go, but that doesn't make the love you held for that time discounted. It just means that now you need to find someone else who understands you." He chooses his words carefully at first, but when he sees that you're held in rapt attention he grows passionate. Eyes blazing as if to dare you to disagree. And suddenly you're seeing the world through a different lens. Here you had been chalking romance up to marketing, which isn't entirely untrue but that's just one part of it. But love the way he sees it? To him, love isn't about marketing or money it's just about human connection. And suddenly you're starting to understand that abstract intangible concept. You also realize that what you were looking for wasn't love, but perfection. You didn't want to do all the work, you just wanted all the pieces to magically fall into place for you and gave up when expectations weren't instantly met. "Next question, why'd you say yes to this date?"

   "Because you're hot." You roll his eyes at the exaggerated wink he sends you before eating a bit of the jjigae. "Okay so that was a part of it but mostly I was curious. You're this weird enigma Yoongi. At first, I thought I had you all figured out. Tough dude with tats and a motorcycle who probably has a slew of booty calls waiting for him. But then you said you liked to cuddle and I got curious. And then I realized that I didn't have the whole picture, just a glimpse. Why in the world did you ask me out? And for the love of god don't say 'dat ass.'"

   "Okay but dat ass though." The way he laughs full heartedly, slapping his knees at the sight of your glare almost makes you not elbow him. Almost. But you have a reputation to uphold. "You've just got this thing about you. You're like a fortress. A puzzle. I guess that same idea of wanting to figure a person out is the same reason why I'm so attracted to you. You see at first glance you seem to be just brutally honest, but then when you look closer it's easy to see that you're vulnerable. Fragile. Callous due to a previous naivety that landed you in shit places by the sounds of it. I like that you have spirit, you aren't afraid to tell people to fuck off. But what I like most of all is under that there's this heart of gold. At least if your interaction with your friends is anything to go by you do." Fuck, you think you have something in your eye. It's definitely not your long extinct tear ducts learning how to work again. Nope.

   You can feel his thumb brush a stray tear, hand cupping your face as you automatically nuzzle into the warmth before he clears his throat. "Next question-"

   Before he can finish the question your lips are on his. They're chapped but still soft, plush under yours. And suddenly that tailwind romance you thought was all fake feels so real as a spark of electricity zaps you. Or maybe that's more carnal, but whatever it is it feels so right. As if his lips were made to be against yours. And when you feel him kiss back roughly, hands weaving through your hair as he pulls you in closer you know that he must be feeling the same thing. You're floating. High in the clouds. Weightless. The sound of someone running past finally has the two of you breaking apart slowly. "Right next question, can we do that again?"

   This time there's a fire behind the kiss as your hands grab onto his jacket and his tongue slips into your mouth. This time you know it's more carnal. Burning bright. Passionate. Hungry. Needy. But before it can devolve into public debauchery you reluctantly pull back, blush creeping up your neck as you see his molten brown eyes focused on you in a way that clearly states that he is indeed as dangerous as he looks. At least if your definition of dangerous is sex right out in the open at a very public park anyway.

   "My turn. What's your favorite music?"

   The rest of the date goes by too quickly and you learn about everything Yoongi related and he learns everything about you. You're positive that you've never learned so much about a person on a first date, or hell even by the third. You've learned his birthday, his favorite music, all about his friends, how he actually co-owns the tattoo shop and how that all happened. You've learned about how he came from a poor family and how he makes sure to send a little bit each week to help out on top of the apartment he bought them. Suddenly the $200 an hour fee makes a whole lot more sense.

   By the time you're pulling back into your apartment, the two of you have already planned a date for next Sunday. And as he puts the car in park you can't hope but wish that somehow it was already magically next week. But when he pulls you in for a heated kiss and presses his forehead against yours before sending you off you're too much on cloud nine to pay any attention. You'll have to add that Yoongi is certainly the best kisser you've ever known to your mental file.

-------------1 week later---------------

   Well, it's official. You're nuts. You'd like to blame Yoongi but let's be honest, all you needed was a little help to push you over the ledge. Except the problem is that before you were very sure of life. Completely comfortable with anger, bitterness, and believing that everything inevitably fails. And in some sick twist of fate, his words have been playing back in your head over and over every single day for the last week. Before you thought it was all or nothing. Love was there or it wasn't. You get one shot at true love and if it fails then it never existed. Except now your world is flipped upside down.

   Perfection is a fruitless endeavor. An impossible task. One with zero rewards. And what you've been looking for all this time is perfection. A perfect love. A whirlwind romance. But if it's perfect it's fake. It's all a lie. An elaborate performance. Which is mostly all you've ever gotten, granted usually in short-lived moments but sometimes longer. And when the curtains closed each time you thought, "this show wasn't a real show. I'll go to a better play next door." Except the play was still very much real. A part of you. A part of them. Which means that love is indeed real it's just not always very grand. But when it was there it was beautiful, you were just blind and ignorant in even the good moments. Unaware of the magic in small acts. But with Yoongi suddenly you want to see all the small acts. You want to not just see the show but be a part of it. Go behind the scenes with him. See how this plays out.

   Which is completely fucking nuts. You're already talking about your entire worldview changing and the concept as something as obscure as falling in love with a man you barely know and have only been out on a date with once. It makes you afraid. It makes you feel free. It gives you options. It's like being able to use all of your senses at once for the first time. Except that's scary because there's too much coming at you at once. But it's equal parts exhilarating. You've been through every single possible emotion a person could have every day.

   By the time your second date finally arrives, you're suddenly calm about it all. As if everything is right and the puzzle pieces to life are aligning and maybe just maybe you have a chance to see things differently. And while before you would have rather poked your eyes out than face rejection again this time you just want to see where this takes you. You aren't thinking so much about the end results, rather the journey.

   Tonight Yoongi is taking you out to his favorite record store. While you don't own a record player you can certainly appreciate the aesthetics of vinyl. There's something oddly charming about them, even if it is ridiculously impractical in the modern world of space-saving technology and cramped apartments. Perhaps the impracticality of it is apart of the appeal, however. This time you aren't tripping over yourself to get to the door. But that's because you're standing right by it giving yourself a pep talk. Not that he needs to know that of course. After smoothing down your hair and doing a quick checklist in your head your pulling the door open.

   This time he's wearing an oversized sweater but again the same tight black jeans. The man must have stock in them. Not that you blame him, it looks good after all. "You look great, babe." Heat blossoms on your face as his eyes scan you from head to toe, that signature lazy smile adorning his face before he takes your hand in his and leads you to his car.

   "Still no motorcycle?"

   "Nope, still don't trust that you won't freak out and kill me accidentally. Why? You seem oddly keen on the bike."

   "It just looks fun that's all."

   "It is. There's nothing better than a good ride, and you can take that any way you please." He winks at you, laughing when you scoff and punch his shoulder. If any other guy said that line you would have jumped out of the now moving vehicle, but for some reason when he says it you turn into putty. Maybe it's the charm of being absurdly good looking. Or that tattoos. The bad-boy charm. Or maybe it's because in all his infinite aloof glory he's just Yoongi. Comfortable and confident in his own skin without being sleazy.

   The record store is quiet, playing a selection of upbeat jazz. Your brain is trying to figure out the tune until you finally snap your fingers and softly say, "Giant Steps!"

   "You know jazz? Are you a secret Coltrane fan or something?" Yoongi is giving you that look. The look that says he's clearly analyzing you. Studying you. Dissecting your brain as you speak.

   "Sort of. I dated this guy in college for years, he was a jazz major. His thesis was going to be on Giant Steps, it's been years since I've heard it though. Are you secretly into jazz, Min Yoongi?"  

   You watch him shake his head no as he scans the records before pulling one out. Outkast, ATliens. A great album, one that invokes nostalgia. He quickly puts the record under his arm before he continues searching. "Nah, I'm more of a blues guy myself. Nina Simone. Etta James. Bill Withers. The building blocks to all modern music. At least hip hop, R&B, and all the subgenres of rock."

   "You know an awful lot about music considering you're a tattoo artist. What's the background story on that?" You peruse next to him as you speak, flicking through the music slowly.

   "Once upon a time I wanted to be a rapper." There's something far off about his voice. As if he's reliving the memories. A gentle smile on his lips as he shakes his head as if to push them back into their little file in his brain to not be disturbed for some time. "But I had bills to pay. I'm not complaining though. I love music, adore it. But I love what I do too. It's almost like trying to pick between your two children. You might actually have a favorite, but it changes depending on the day."

   "Let's hope you only have one kid then."

   "Nah, I'm going to have a horde of mini Mins. Take over the world with them and overthrow capitalism. It's my diabolical plan to get housing prices back to normal and get student debt forgiveness."

   "And how exactly do you plan to have this army of darkness? Polygamy? A sex cult?"

   "God that just sounds exhausting. I can hardly keep up with you let alone more women. No, I think I'll actually stick with two children. You know, just so on tough days I can look at one and go 'ah yes today you didn't fuck up.'" You pray that he doesn't look over to see your cherry red face. He in a way made it sound like he's thought about children with you. Clearly, that's not what he means but now your mind is wandering. Mini mins. They'd be cute. Probably slightly evil but cute nevertheless. They might be born glaring though. Or smirking instead of crying.

   "What happens when they both fuck up?"

   "Then I've got you." Fuck, he was implying you. Holy shit. Holy shit. Act natural. Don't look at him. "Ooh look! They have a Frank Ocean Blonde vinyl. Unopened this bad boy is worth a few hundred. Man, I can't believe how cheap they're selling it for." He tucks it under his arm before cataloging through some more. For a short while the two of you work in silence, falling into a pattern that when you stare at one for just a little too long he's plucking it out of your hands and refusing to listen to you protest.

   By the end of it all, the two of you are walking out with a dozen records after learning a wealth of information on all of Yoongi's favorite artists. You also learned that once upon a time his rap name was 'Suga.' Which led to you immediately and passionately singing Sugar by System of the Down quickly increasing in volume until he clamps his hand over your mouth and stares at you with the rage of a thousand suns. Totally worth it though. Especially when the dude behind the counter picks up where you left off.

   Dinner goes by too quickly. You wish you could freeze time, force it to slow so you can languidly explore his world. It's with a heavy heart that you unbuckle your seat belt before leaning over and pulling him into a heated kiss. One that makes your head spin again and proves that the first date wasn't a series of flukes. Nope, Min Yoongi really does have a skilled tongue. When you pull away you can see stars in his eyes, his hair ruffled and cheeks red as he tries to even out his breathing. The most dangerous part about Yoongi is his duality. The way he can flit between sexy to cute and somewhere in between without trying.

------------2 months later----------

   You've lost count on how many dates you've gone on at this point. He's taken you out on his bike finally to go stargazing. Out to plays and art galleries. Sometimes you've just stayed in and watched movies together. You have lunch together at least twice a week now, grabbing coffee together for a short reunion in the mornings after spending all night talking about everything and nothing over the phone. It's as if a time before Yoongi didn't exist. It's comfortable. Oddly easy.

   It's to your chagrin and surprise that you learn that Yoongi wants to take things slow. He doesn't rush you into bed. He's the perfect gentleman. A punk Disney prince, albeit with a sharp tongue. No even after the third and fourth date when you try to heat things up he's quick to pull away and tell you that he doesn't want to rush things. Not with you, he says. He wants you to trust him first. He wants you to be truly comfortable first. He doesn't want you to think that he's only in it for that.  

   You get it. In fact, in a twist, it actually makes things hotter. But the build-up is getting almost painful now. The sexual tension mounting to epic proportions. Your poor vibrator would hate you if it wasn't inanimate. He wasn't lying about loving cuddling. He's also apparently a man of extreme patience because no matter how many times you've felt his hard dick against your ass mid-spooning he's refused to act on it. Or let you. It's left you more than slightly frustrated on multiple occasions. It also wasn't helpful that it, in turn, made you an awkward mess. In fact, you remember jokingly mentioning some gibberish about your starfish quivering to try and crack the tension and for a while you thought he would never let you live that terrible joke down. Starfish, really? What were you thinking?

   What you belatedly realize though is that his master plan fucking works. Because somewhere along the way you started letting down your guards. Somewhere along all your dates, you find yourself falling. Allowing yourself to be human. Allowing yourself to stop fearing love. Allowing yourself to trust. Without fighting it. Without running. It's no longer terrifying. It's no longer something that gnaws at you in the chasm of anxiety.

   And just shy of three months into dating Yoongi you realize that you love him. Love. Abstract. Intangible. Yet not. It's the way he looks at you. The way he holds your hands. The way he thinks about the things that make you tick. The way the two of you try to find joy in the tiniest of things. Marie Kondo would tell you that you've finally found something that sparks joy. But it's not just from him. No, even when he's not around you feel lighter. Freer. Happier. You're still sarcastic. A bit of a bitch. But this time it's no longer from a place of longheld bitterness and pain, rather it's from your twisted brand of humor.

   This realization comes to you as you after hanging out with Yoongi's friends and coming back to his place to just chill and listen to his vinyls. When his thumb soothingly rubs your hand as you curl up into his chest. It's so natural. So right. "I love you." The words come out a soft sigh, muffled slightly into his chest but he hears them loud and clear.

   Yoongi twists, pulling your face up to his. "Did you just say you love me?"

   "Min Yoongi I love you." You don't expect to hear anything back. You aren't saying it for affirmation or reciprocation. You just want him to know.

   "I don't think I've ever heard better words. Say it again." That gummy smile is back. The one that stirs up butterflies. The one that warms your soul. The one that you fell in love with.

   You swing your legs over his lap, straddling him as you stare into his eyes. "I. Love. You."

   "God, you don't know how bad I've wanted to hear that. I love you so fucking much. So much. Holy fuck. I want to kiss you, can I kiss-" Before he can finish the sentence your lips are on his. Soft and pliant under yours, a lingering taste of leftover chapstick and nicotine. It's captivating. Dizzying. It's so easy to get drunk off his lips. His taste. The soft groans that leave him. Tongues intertwine as his hands roam your body before landing on your ass with a firm squeeze. It's messy. Needy. Sloppy but full of passion. As if you're the only cure for each other. Each emotion lingering in the air. Your hips swivel down, grinding against his pants as one hand weaves into your hair to pull your neck back and attach his lips to there.

   You can feel the small bruises blossoming already. Love bites and harsh sucks leave cherry blossoms along your neck, mirroring the pattern of his own tattoo. Quiet moans of need are spilling out, desire pooling into your panties each time his teeth scrape against you. "You, doll, are the hottest thing I've ever seen. I could worship you. Dedicate a temple to you. Can't wait to feel you. God, I want you so bad. I love you so fucking much." Each word spills out from him like a deep moan, reverberating through his chest and chewing them off at the end. A loud mewl of satisfaction leaves you. He loves you. He loves you. You're in love. Over the moon. How could you ever think that love wasn't for you? How could you ever give up? How could you honestly think that you were destined to be a spinster when a man like him wants you?

   His hands claw at your shirt, quick to remove your bra and leave you partially bare. Even with the slight chill seeping in through his apartment you still feel feverish. Each time his calloused hands roam your skin you can feel your temperature increase. God, you've never wanted someone so much. It's almost an out of body experience. Sex elevated off the mortal plane. You swear you might cum just from him touching you at this rate. His lips brush against your nipples before biting down, one hand reaching back into your hair as you arch into the touch.

   "Wanna touch you Yoongi. Wanna feel you." The words come out drunkenly. Wobbly. Laced with honey through your swollen lips. When his grip lets go of your hair you lean down to his neck, pressing kisses around his tattoo, tongue laving at the branch as your teeth scrape against his soft skin. The deep moans hiccuping out of him are music to your ears, urging you on as your grind against him. Desperate for friction. Desperate for release. Your hands toy at his shirt before finally breaking away to pry it over his head. Your eyes dance over his half-naked form, taking in the sight before you. Almost every square inch is covered, ink swirling around in intricate stories. God, you're about the fuck the hottest living canvas.

   His chest is heaving, breathing uneven as the two of you make eye contact again before lips come crashing together and he's picking you up. Carrying you out of the living room and into his bedroom, stopping occasionally to push you against a wall just to latch onto your neck or chest. By the time you make it to the bed, you're sure that for the first time in your life you could actually forgo foreplay. You're so wet that you can feel it seeping through your underwear and leaving a mark on your jeans. He stumbles onto the bed, your head hitting the wall with a loud thwack that has both of you pausing for a moment. "Shit, are you okay?"

   "Mmokay, take your pants off." You rub at the sore spot before reaching up to place a reassuring kiss on his lips. You hold your breath as you watch him strip, dick springing out proudly. Smeared with precum. Red. Throbbing and twitching. "You don't wear underwear?"

   He looks almost bashful for a moment. "It's laundry day actually..." At the sound of your giggles, he takes the opportunity while you're disarmed to unbutton your pants, freeing you from your jeans and leaving you in just your flimsy lacy panties. The mood shifts back again when you see the hunger in his eyes. As if he's staring at a feast. "Christ, can't wait to taste this pussy. Make you cry my name." His hands are shaking slightly as he slowly pries your underwear off, eyes narrowing on the way your juices stick to your underwear finally tossing it off the side of the best.

   "Please taste me, I need you. I can't wait."

   "Who knew you'd be so needy? So quick to beg for my tongue?" That usual lazy smirk is back on his face as he looks at you, hands hooking around your thighs and pulling them over his shoulders. His tongue flattens against your sex before you can respond, a choked moan drowning out your words. Jesus, he's good with his tongue. It moves slowly, languidly against your dripping pussy. Rhythmically. Diving into your folds only to swirl up around your clit, sucking lightly and releasing with a soft pop before going back down all over again. It's when his tongue dips even lower, swirling around your puckered rim that you can feel your eyes roll back and breathing cut off. Two fingers slip into your dripping cunt with ease, scissoring to stretch you. The dual sensation of his tongue on your ass and fingers filling you up has you clenching. Spiraling. Bright white flashing behind your eyes as a silent scream tries to leave your throat. Toes curling, his name finally rolling off your tongue as you chase the sensation, your orgasm consuming your senses. It leaves you dizzy. Panting. A mewling, drenched mess under him.

   Through fuzzy ears you can hear his low voice, "God how do you taste so good? Fuck, I could watch you all day baby girl."

   His fingers move slowly as he watches you return to earth, twitching underneath him at the oversensitivity. You feel so sated, but at the same time, you want so much more. The look in his eyes makes you hungry all over again. You want him to feel just as good as you. You look up with hooded eyes, hand wrapping around his drooling cock as you speak. "I wanna taste you too Yoongi."

   His adam's apple bobs, hands leaving your thighs as he pulls you into another messy kiss. It's almost all teeth and tongue this time, a thin line of saliva breaks apart when you separate. You shuffle off the bed slowly, knees gingerly falling to the floor before looking back up as your tongue swirls around his head before pulling back to lick a long stripe along his prominent vein. You pepper tiny kisses along his base, one hand cupping his balls gently as the other one twists around his base. You envelop his velvety length in your mouth, working slowly into a steady rhythm. Each sigh from him, soft moans of pleasure spurs you deeper. Jaw aching slightly as you try to take him deeper, using your hand to help stimulate the places you can't reach. His hands grip your hair tightly as he reaches past your molars, pulling you off of him with a loud pop. "Sorry love, I'm not gonna last much longer if you keep doing that and I really want to fuck you."

   You gulp at the way he's watching you. As if he's a predator and you're his prey. A feast for the night. You wouldn't have it any other way. He helps guide you back onto the bed, twisting you onto all fours as his hands glide over your ass. "Best ass I've ever seen. God, I've had so many wet dreams over this ass." His hand comes down sharply, the sting bringing a wave of pleasure to ripple through you as it soothingly rubs over. Your thoughts are quickly brought back to the throbbing between your thighs as his cock rubs against your swollen clit. "Please, fuck. God." You're incoherent, words stringing together slowly.

   "What's my name doll?"

   "Yoongi, come on. Fuck me before I bite your head off!"

   "Yeah yeah, we'll see how much sass you have left in you when I'm done." You wiggle your hips impatiently as you hear him spit into his palm, adding lubrication before he glides into you. "Holy shit." He stays still for a moment as you spasm around the intrusion. He's just thick enough to have you crying out in pleasure, just long enough to have you seeing stars as he sinks deeper.

   "Oh, fuck. Move, please move." You push back, sinker further onto him as he stays still before his hands snake around your throat.

   "God, you are so mouthy. And as much as I normally love hearing you talk back right now I really just wanna fuck you." He pulls out almost completely before slamming back in, balls slapping into your clit in a way that has you seeing stars. Each movement is harsh, quick, with stamina and vigor you didn't foresee him having. The feeling of his hand wrapped around your throat, cutting off just enough circulation to stutter your breathing, has you gasping and rutting underneath him. Fuck, was sex supposed to feel this good? In your fucked out state, you can barely make out the sound of him chuckling darkly behind you. "Look at you baby, already fucked out and I've barely started. Do you wanna cum again baby? Already?"

   "Fuck, please. Don't stop!" Your high pitched begging has him drilling in deeper, his free hand moving off your ass and onto your clit in quick circular motions that has you clenching around him. This time your orgasm is earth-shattering. Loud. Wet. When his hand finally lets go of your throat you face plant into the pillow, legs shaking around him as he keeps moving.

   "You're so beautiful when you cum, did you know that? My pretty baby girl, all fucked out on my cock. Now that's a sight I never want to stop seeing." Another loud smack to your ass has you sobbing into the pillow, moans spilling out as your release gushes around him. "Jesus, how is your pussy so fucking wet? Are you always this wet?"

   "No. It's just for you Yoongi."

   "That's right. This pussy is mine, isn't it? Say it, doll."

   "This pussy is yours Yoongi, fuck. Hold on, I wanna ride you." He stutters, pausing before pulling out so the two of you can shuffle around. You smirk as you crawl over his lap, one hand holding onto his cock as the other grabs his arm while you sink down. You're sure you look a fucked out mess, but so does he. Sweat is making his fringe cling to his forehead, kiss-swollen lips, hickies covering his neck visible even over his tattoos.

   You neck snaps back as you sink down completely, the new angle bringing him right to your g-spot and making your legs shake in overstimulation. You fall forward onto his chest, pulling him into another kiss as you circle your hips in small figure eights. You bite down on his lower lip, pulling it between your teeth as you reach behind you and gently roll his balls in your hand. You delight in the way he groans, eyes rolling back at the sensation. "Keep doing that and I'm not going to last (y/n)."

   "That's the point. Come on, cum with me Yoongi." It doesn't take much in your overstimulated state to get right back to the point again. Hanging over the edge as you dip your hand down to circle your clit, relishing in the dulcet moans from him as the two of you climax together. His nose scrunches up, eyebrows furrowing as he grips at your hips as you ride him into his own orgasm right after your third. It doesn't take long before he twitches inside you, painting your insides white as you slow down. At the feeling of him coming to his own completion you slump forward, your head falling into the crook of his neck as his hands circle your waist.

   "Wow. That might easily have been the best sex of my life."

   "Yeah, that was, wow." Your breathing is still unsteady, legs shaking as you feel him soften inside you.

   "Did you realize you squirted?"

   "Ah, yeah. Sorry to break your heart but that's actually somewhat normal for me."

   "God that is so fucking hot." You laugh into his neck, exhaustion taking over as you sigh. "You know, the first time I ever saw you I knew. I just knew. You were all sass and fire, and I just knew that you were it. You were the one."

   You wish you could reciprocate and say you thought the same thing when you first saw Yoongi, but you suppose it's better late than never. "I never would've guessed when I first met you that you liked cuddling, or saying such cheesy lines, or absolutely hated scary movies."

   "Yeah, but you love that about me."

   "Yeah. But I'm pretty sure I just love everything about you Min Yoongi."

   "You know, when you say my full name like that I get oddly turned on. Do you think you're up for a round two in like, half an hour?"

   You really should say no, you really just want to sleep. But just the thought has your mind spinning. Lord give you strength because you're going to need it, or at least better stamina, to last in survive this man.

   You never would've guessed that love could feel so right. So natural. So normal. It isn't always a crazy spark. It isn't all fire and passion, even though it certainly has its moments. No, it's softer. Gentler. It grows and evolves with you. It changes. It takes work. And the two of you do somehow make it work. Even after moving in and trying to learn how to love someone when there's only one bathroom. Even after you get married and fall into a routine. Even after you get pregnant and go a smidge hormonally insane both times. Even on days when both of the kids drive you batty. Even when they leave home and leave you with an empty nest all over again. Because love is something beautiful. It's something innate within us all, it's just a matter of both parties wanting it enough. Working at it enough. And whenever anyone asks you what love means to you it was simple from that day forward. Min Yoongi.

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

Time for The Witcher episode 4!!

So the last episode was Intense(TM) and also I finally realized that the show isn’t happening all at the same time but it’s following multiple timelines, which, better late than never. Now things make more sense...

Alright, bando alle ciance and let’s do this.

“Ciri! Ciri” Cirilla: yes? “Not you, I was talking to Siri. What’s the weather going to be tomorrow”

That’s such a stupid joke. Unfollow me right now, it’s okay.

Glowy Forest Intensifies... oh, there’s people now. Forest Dora Milaje aren’t happy to see her, which is understandable, I guess. But the boss arrives.

Meanwhile, except not meanwhile, a man has had a very bad day. Apparently the nickname White Wolf has stuck. Remember when we thought the MCU was going to make Bucky into a Black Panther character as the White Wolf, official media outlet even used the White Wolf as a title for Bucky, and then it ended up in nothing? Sorry for the digression but I really hoped we’d get Bucky written by Ryan Coogler and I was really disappointed when that didn’t happen but *waves around* all of that happened instead. I mean, technically it’s not too late to make it happen but Bucky is a Disney+ creature now, so, bye.

Hello Jaskier! My boy! I missed you.

Ah, the new media image campaign is working. 

“You never get involved, except you actually do, all of the time” I love this XD “I don’t do emotions or attachments” character who does emotions intensely all the time and gets attached to everyone they meet paired with “sure Jan” character who calls them out is a very good dynamic.

Ah, yes, this is perfect. I’m sorry but dark brooding protagonist and bubbly comic relief sidekick is my secret weakness.

No offense, Geralt, but those clothes did need a good washing after your latest job, so don’t make that face.

Blah blah royal affairs I should probably pay attention to.

“I am not going to protect you” [*Spongebob font* five minutes later...]

But yeah, the princess is Cirilla’s mother, I suppose, and I’m sure the marriage that produces Scream Princess is super important. She is very pretty and has lovely hair. Sometimes I wish I had long hair I could braid artistically.

The princess doesn’t want to get married to some strange dude, but the queen is A Very Strong Woman(TM) and has no time for silly things like her daughter’s feelings over the most life-changing decision in her life. She’s an interesting character for sure, and the narrative doesn’t try to frame her as either definitely good or bad, which is interesting.

Oh! Rat Boy isn’t dead! That’s great. That makes sense narratively, native forest women who suffered genocide from colonizers wouldn’t kill an elf boy who went through the same thing.

Promised husband is a shitty dude. Queen Calanthe likes Geralt, which, relatable. But she and her entourage are racist assholes, and the next scene with Cirilla and Dara tell us that their anti-elf talk isn’t just talk.

By the way, now we know for sure how much time there is between Geralt’s timeline and Cirilla’s.

The queen doesn’t like feminine dresses. Lady is trying to overcompensate a lot. But her banter with Geralt is entertaining.

The first suitor is from Nilfgaard, and in hindsight it would have been a wise choice to unify the two kingdoms... C’mon, poor guy is just awkward, he doesn’t deserve the humiliation. Or is he the guy who’ll make war later? The pilot threw too much new information at me the other day.

Yennefer is bored... and apparently 30 years has passed since the last we saw of her. (I refuse to try to understand when in relation to the other plots that puts this scene. Things will click together at some point or I’ll just accept whatever happens and nod along.) And coincidentally she is paired with a woman who laments being only considered important as a baby-producing womb. Oops. Awkward.

Not relevant to the show but my parents never get inside my room as often as while I am watching something on Netflix.

Yennefer thinks life as a court mage sucks, queen Kalis thinks life as a baby-maker sucks. They envy each other for what the other has, but they’re probably both right.

Well, boredom is no longer a problem.

Oh, poor queen, her husband paid to have her killed because she’s only given him daughters. Two episodes in a row about female heirs to kings, plus queen Calanthe being female and having a daughter who’ll have a daughter. Theeemes!

You can’t be rude to the only person who is your only hope not to die horribly, girl.

Queen Calanthe is frustrated she isn’t a man, which we could guess. She also likes the simplicity of killing, which we could also guess.

Oh! It’s almost pre-decided husband’s time to claim the girl’s hand in marriage, but New Guy appears! He’s been cursed and Mr I Don’t Pick Sides Ever No Matter What, guess what, picks a side. The audience is shocked. No one could foresee this unexpected turn of events.

Noooo the baby!!! Yennefer loses a rare chance to acquire a baby. This is sad. Damn this show doesn’t shy away from killing children, such a different feel from most stories we’re used to.

These people are weird with destiny. Calanthe says fuck destiny, Geralt says lol mood but just because you’re a queen doesn’t mean you’re above sacred rules.

OOOOH Calanthe says fuck sacred rules and it does not go well. Is this happening because she tried to mess up with the order of the world and chaos said hi? Was the princess always magical or did this happen because destiny will have its way no matter what?

Ah, her grandmother had it, she never manifested it before until now, when circumstances awoke it.

Queen Calanthe acknowledges destiny, and of course they’re all dressed in green like the mages of Feminist Hogwarts aka Chaos School. I should have paid more attention to colors but green seems to be the color of magic slash chaos slash destiny.

Then bam, red. Men. Violence.

Everyone in the forest is also dressed in green... Colors aren’t really my thing, you might have noticed that I rarely analyze colors in Supernatural and I’m not particularly into what which color means and I only notice things when they’re very obvious like the purple of transformation-slash-death, so, yeah, I am not the kind of person who notices colors until they slap me in the face. I guess this is my slap in the face by this show’s color palette XD

Also consider that I watch everything with f-lux on, so I don’t even see colors the way they actually look, I guess that’s why it’s harder for me to notice colors when everything looks orange.

Alriiiiight *disables f.lux for current app*

Oh. Oh. So this is how this show looks like.

Awkward. This is so embarrassing.

I should rewatch the whole thing with real colors now... well, another time.

Anyway, Dara has drunk antidepressant juice, but it doesn’t work on Ciri, because she is Relevant(TM) to destiny so she can’t forget her past otherwise the plot destiny can’t happen.

Sleep well baby.

Aaah husband’s curse is broken! Yay.

Geralt accidentally acquires a bond with a baby. One baby dead and Yennefer’s potential bond with her lost, one baby on her way and Geralt’s future bond with her created. So this is all about parallels based on babies and births. Cool.

In the future, destiny has arrived and indeed wrought calamity on the court and the city. Someone makes something gross with Calanthe’s dead body--a spell to learn the location of Cirilla. Trouble is coming.

Oh! It’s him, he’s not dead? And taking something from Calanthe (that will be relevant later)?

Ciri drinks stronger juice and goes to the ancestral plane, er, I mean has a vision of a Very Important Tree, sorry I had Black Panther stuck in my head from before.

Well this is very interesting and things are starting to click together and yeah it’s a weird ride but I’m enjoying it! I suppose only at the end of the season you get the full picture of why and when everything has happened so I’m just sitting here metaphorically eating popcorn waiting for things to make sense on their own rhythm. There’s a theme of motherhood and babies and it seems that Geralt’s destiny is to become a metaphorical mother for Cirilla? Or am I mixing him up with a similar kind of character with a tendency to become everyone’s mom? Anyway, I’m looking forward to see what happens.

[childofsquidward]

Tag Game!

Rules: answer 21 questions and then tag 21 people (bold of you to assume I know more than two people on this hellsite) who you want to get to know better.

I was tagged by @temmie-loony who is awesome, like thank you, I don’t know why I feel so flattered right now, but I do

Nickname(s): Diyu (everyone on my mom’s side of the family maybe), Diyumuni (grandma, mom’s side), Diyappa (my mom’s youngest sister), Gubbu/Gubbi (my mom’s other younger sister; the two names are kind of interchangeable), Diyapochua (my mom’s younger brother), probably others thanks to my mom's side of the family who come up with 135% of my nicknames as mentioned above

Zodiac: Sagittarius!

Height: 5ft. - 5ft.2 (maybe 3? hopefully?)

Last movie I saw: Ready (I've watched it 500 times over, no joke, just check my Netflix account)

Last thing I googled: statistics a tool for social research 4th edition (if anyone wants to hit me up with a pdf, I will be forever grateful; I hate this class, it’s 8am, I’m there right now, I’m a language student what the fuck is this?!)

Favourite musician: ummmmmm idk it changes this is hard wtf

Okay, so right off the top of my head - Shawn Mendes (I love every single one of his songs, I didn’t think I would, but I did), P!nk (all-time fave), The Pretty Reckless (Taylor Momsen’s voice you guys!), Big Time Rush, Kurt Hugo Schneider (okay, technically he’s a cover artist, but this man is magical like he plays a ridiculous number of instruments, his production quality is so unique and wonderful and his VOICE - listen, he does not sing as often as he should, and he shouuuuuld), and just like any song that was composed by A. R. Rahman, written by Javed Akhtar and sung by either Arijit Singh, Atif Aslam and/or Shreya Ghoshal you really can’t go wrong with

Song stuck in my head: A constant is Oi Dur Paharer Dhare (I still haven't heard the original) but as of recent Naa Tum Jaano Naa Hum from a movie called Kaho Naa Pyaar Hai (which defined my entire childhood solely) because I didn't realize that it was on my phone and I've been using Spotify the entire time but now I'm obsessed and I can't stop and basically I'm my own worst enemy; also, sometimes L’oiseau et l’enfant by Marie Myriam makes an appearance and it tends to make me like 4000x more dramatic than I usually am, which is saying a lot and I Like Me Better by Lauv (the KillerVibe theme, fight me)

Other blogs: I wish I was fabulous enough to have more than one blog (maybe one day... *wistful sigh*)

Do I get asks: once in a blue moon, yes, but I love and cherish every single one of them

Following: I’m assuming you mean how many people I’m following and not how many followers I have, so 554, I’m following 554 people

Amount of sleep: it depends... in high school, it used to be that I just wouldn’t sleep during the months of January and June, but now in uni it’s changed to October-December and February-April; honestly, I could go to sleep at like 3AM, and still wake up at 7AM and be fine as long as I finish classes by like 6PM - I don’t need more than 3-4h of sleep  

Lucky number: 13, 7, 4

What I’m wearing: my favourite... what colour is this maroon? like a plum, reddish-purpley (burgundy? I don’t know colours) thing (matches my hair) sweater that says ‘hello’ the bottom in white, the one pair of jeans I wear even though I have like 10 others, and my gray snow boots which are pretty cute considering that snow boots are ugly as fuuuuck (and probably pizza socks... am I wearing socks today? I don’t think I remembered to put on socks, nvm)

Dream job: to work with the UN, that's what I'm striving towards anyway, and maybe get a book published (my main goal in life is to be a functioning adult, and honestly, the UN thing seems infinitely more realistic)

Dream trip: a road trip to I don’t know where yet, but it’s gonna be a road trip

Favorite food: does food in general count? the first thing that comes to mind is chotpoti (it’s basically the filling you have inside a pani puri, but better cuz phuchkas over pani puri every time - but it’s literally these tiny lentils, chickpeas if you wanna be lazy, cooked with potatoes and every spice known to the world and then you add the tamarind sauce which is so hard to make and that’s why there’s always a limited amount but every asshole that comes to our place on Eid literally drinks it like some animal but whatever you literally have to soak the dry tamarind in water and get all the gross stuff out while keeping the good stuff and figure out a good balance of chilli powder, salt and sugar and it’s never as good as when mom does it)

Idk why I just ranted like it’s my job, but I’m leaving it there. I also like thin-crust mushroom pizza (the brand is Ristorante and it is the best), my dad’s shrimp and potato curry (idk what else to call it, I don’t even eat it with rice, I turn that shit into a taco, I’m not even sorry), naan and bihari kebab w/ that really spicy green chutney/raita/whatever it is, piyaju and aloo chop (it’s fried and it’s so bad for you, and I hate onions but for some reason I don’t give a fuck when it comes to piyaju even though it’s just lentils and onions - it’s frieeeeeed), and apple pie (apple anything dessert tbh)

Play any instruments: I've played piano kinda on and off (I could probably follow a song), I learned flute in middle school but I never continued it and ooooooo I'm trying to teach myself guitar; I also sing

Languages: Bangla (I need to re-learn how to read and write though, which is so sad), Hindi, Urdu, English, French, I’m slowly becoming fluent in Spanish and I’m trying to teach myself Arabic (listen, I might not be the doctor cousin, but look grandma I can read the Quran - I know my strengths! also, Arabic is a really pretty language)

Favourite song(s): Crazy Little Thing Called Love (Queen), Cheer Up (A Great Big World), Can’t Help Falling In Love (Elvis Presley), Raabta from Agent Vinod (the Shreya Ghoshal version!!!), Tujhko Jo Paya from Crook and Jo Pyaar Ho Gaya from Ishaan

Random fact: I am deathly afraid of birds. I always thought that birds just kinda freaked me out, but then I ran into oncoming traffic because there was a pigeon nearby so there’s that.  

Describe yourself as aesthetic things: black with splashes of pink and yellow because I have no sense of anything, snow, plaid shirts, sweaters, leather jackets, boots, coffee, cute stationery, studying (y’all know what I’m talking about right? like those images on Pinterest of ‘messy’ notes and pens and crap, usually with glasses there), pizza socks, fuzzy animal socks that probably have the little 3D whatever ears and nose (do they use pom-poms for those? idk), any variation of the ‘world’s okayest sister’ quote, BOOKS, candles, white lilies (the only flower I acknowledge as a flower)

Tagging: @maniq1 @darwinquark @ciscoscaitlin @dibs4ever @winxy-writing @thatkillervibe @sunshineoptimismandangels @lightninginmyeyes @headoverhiddles @hope-dyne @nordarhk @kendrasaunders @jwmelmoth @daftydraw  @taakoshell  @lewispanda @jalonii @cheleonrage712 @deathly-smirk @purpleyin  @crelliefan4life

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam Austin episode 5 reaction

one thing you can say about this show, it’s a great endorsement for smoothies and condoms

Episode 5

Clip 1 - Meg loves smoothies and Shay loves Meg

I find the setup of what happened after bowling, at the concert, so weird. Like Meg apparently confronted Marlon about meeting with Abby, and he denied it. It seems like it would have been so awkward! Too much tension! Did he have an alibi? I guess you don’t want to waste expensive concert tickets but it’d be so hard to relax and have a good time with that hanging over your head.

I don’t care much about text etiquette or teenage formalities but Marlon could at least ask Meg to the dance in person considering what a dick he’s been lately.

Shay looks very pretty in this scene. I wonder if that glow in her cheeks is for Megan...

Shay reacting to the smoothie: “Is this a protein shake?” Adorable, but lmao, do you not know what a smoothie is? When meeting with your friend meglovessmoothies?

I looked up the restaurant where the smoothie is from and they have the $7 smoothies Marlon had mentioned. But they also have $3-5 smoothies so he’s a dumbass. Just don’t get the expensive shit.

But also, here are some of the $7 smoothies:

MAGIC CARPET RIDE: cherry, pistachio, tahini, sumac, himalayan salt, banana, coconut water

BUSINESS TIME: cold-brewed espresso, banana, peanut butter, raw local honey, cacao, rice milk

GOLDEN TICKET: banana, almond butter, dates, hemp milk, cinnamon, golden paste (turmeric, ginger, cardamom, cinnamon, coconut oil, black pepper, himalayan salt)

I don’t know about you but I would try the shit out of those wild-ass hipster smoothies.

“I was supposed to go over to Tyler’s house, but I ended up watching Netflix on my phone for like six hours.” That sounds like the best possible way to spend a Friday, Shay.

If they’re making Shay Isak, but with a crush on Meg instead of Marlon, how is it going to work if she rats out Meg? Because Isak had the crush on Jonas, he was hurting Jonas by breaking up their relationship but he wasn’t spreading gossip about him. If Shay leaks gossip about Meg, her crush, that’s pretty cruel. Is it going to play out a different way?

Shay does an Isak-worthy eye narrowing at one point.

The ending conversation is so cute and Meg’s “Hey bitch” is my favorite moment from her so far. I hope the two of them hung out all afternoon.

Clip 2 - oh god Kelsey no

The idea of Daniel snapping a picture of Kelsey’s virgin bed with a blood stain, as his idea of a trophy, makes me sick. Oh my God, why. Do The Youth do that these days??? And you know Grace being all, “I’m sure he wouldn’t do that,” is more to soothe Kelsey’s nerves rather than because she believes he is truly not capable of it.

I think Grace being all “let’s not talk about Daniel’s dick” is because she’s very careful about sex and body image due to her bad experiences, if she has Noora’s history.

“He’s probably sharing details about me.” Kelsey, you don’t want to hear what Daniel might be saying about you. It’s so sad that she probably sees this as a positive for her. 

If I were Grace, I would be dragging Kelsey’s ass after school to get some emergency contraception. Plan B is at its most effective within 72 hours, which it still would have been when this clip aired; it’s less effective after 72 hours but it still works, and you can buy it over the counter. 

Actually it is kind of weird that none of the versions of Skam have brought up the option of emergency contraception. Especially in this version since Grace seems quite informed and proactive about birth control. 

“Wait … you didn’t use a condom?” “Well, I mean I brought it with me.” Holy shit, Kelsey, it’s not a talisman that wards off evil. You have to stick it on a dick for it to work.

Grace is the embodiment of that Shirley from Community gif. The lord is testing me.

At least Jo acknowledges that something could have gone wrong even if she’s glad it won’t interfere with their dance plans.

“Hi pretty” lacks some of the male entitlement of “Smile” but I appreciate Meg’s passive-aggressive response just the same.

In this and all versions, there’s something to be said about how boys expect girls to be cheerful for their benefit. Not just because they want their girlfriends to be legit happy, but because a smiling, nonstop happy girlfriend is easier to deal with than an upset girlfriend who might hold him accountable for his BS.

Goddammit, Daniel. Can Grace just punch this fucker in the balls already?

Look at his fucking sunglasses. What an asshole.

It’s kind of weird that Jo flirts so openly with Meg when any of her friends could be like hey, did you know this dude has a girlfriend? Or that someone has seen his “in a relationship” status on Facebook, or a picture of him and his girlfriend, etc.? But it’s a stretch in the original show, too. And I guess they didn’t care if he flirts with her if it comes with perks.

Clip 3 - Meg and Marlon fight again

You can just tell that Meg wishes she were shopping with her girls rather than having to deal with her mans.

Marlon don’t you dare try it with that Even Bech Næsheim cheek kiss and nose rub. I’m not saying Even owns the rights or anything, you’re just banned from doing it unless you can treat your SO with respect.

Megan looks like she flinched when Marlon rubs his nose on her arm.

I mean, Marlon is right in that I wouldn’t want my SO to have to call my parents to confirm my whereabouts, but that’s beside the point when he is lying out of his ass.

“I wish you could stop being so insecure all the time.” Oh fuck off. You put her down to her face not only when the two of you are alone but in front of your friends, who sometimes join in on teasing her, you belittle or dismiss her interests and activities, you bail on plans randomly, and you tell obvious lies. Even without the shady business with Abby, he’s doing so much to make her insecure just from the way he treats her and speaks to her.

Lmao, not to downplay the seriousness of this scene but their relationship is like every overdramatic teenage romance where the couple was always fighting in the halls on Monday and then making out against your locker on Tuesday. A constant cycle of arguments and OTT affection.

Him not getting off her car is so annoying and I would not have blamed her had she driven away the second he got down. Or even before that.

Do any of those other students not notice what’s going on with the screaming match? Or do they not care? Or are there a bunch of randos out of frame watching it go down?

I ended up glad they did the same technique as with Eva/Jonas of not hearing their conversation once he gets in the car, because really the words don’t even matter. It’s just a cycle of fighting and making up, lather, rinse, repeat. I like that they’re in the car which gives them a physical barrier and makes the audience feel more like outsiders. The music was pretty but kinda depressing and ominous which - yeah, sums it up.

Clip 4 - Is that the Fish Under the Sea Dance?

This musical performance is gorgeous but what school has the orchestra perform at a dance?  Isn’t it unfair to the kids in orchestra that they can’t just enjoy the dance? Unless they only perform for part of the night.

Props to the singer and her fantastic mermaid scale dress, though.

I see you, Poonam. I wish they’d have more sporadic appearances from her. She had more of a distinct personality than the theater kids and seems less like she should totally fade into the background.

Can Marlon ever get his ass somewhere on time? He keeps running late or ditching her for important events.

I love Josefina’s light-up hair. Give us the tutorial on that.

Kelsey did not send Daniel nudes which is definitely for the best, not just to preserve her dignity, but because teens have gotten in legal trouble for sending explicit pictures of themselves. It’s a misdemeanor for minors in Texas.

Her justifications for Daniel not going with her to the dance are depressing, jeez. She seems like the youngest Vilde of them all.

“Everyone is here with friends so it would have been very weird” cue three boy-girl pairs walking into frame.

It’s more on the nose to have Marlon texting right as Zoya talks about if someone wants to be with you they’ll make time to be with you, rather than to have Zoya give her boy advice in a separate scene, but at least they made the connection.

Kelsey: “Zoya, I don’t know how much you know about boys and dating…” Kelsey, one episode earlier: “It was like he went down on me in my mouth.”

Zoya goes to fix the Kelsey situation, which is nice, because while the message was sorely needed, the delivery could have been a little kinder.

Despite being Kelsey’s BFF and being a great cheerleader for her awkward dancing, Jo doesn’t seem to know how to be there for Kelsey in this Daniel situation. She’s been egging it on and enjoying it secondhand while ignoring the warning signs.

Did they mean to have Megan wearing black and Abby in white, or was that just a coincidence?

Is Abby’s friend Natalie on nunchucks?

I wish Julie would direct Abby to play the role less like the snotty queen bee from a generic teen movie. I know Ingrid wasn’t always the nicest person but Abby seems like a textbook mean girl trope (maybe just because American media is over-saturated with those), and even knowing their history I don’t get how she and Megan could’ve been friends. 

It’s not a high school dance until someone is crying outside the building and in the bathroom (which I’m guessing Kelsey has covered).

The reactions from the P-Chris fans hoping Jo would be a better guy this time around were pretty funny, no offense to any P-Chris fans. To be fair, he did seem to have more of a personalized approach to Megan, and I was kinda wondering if maybe Julie would swing more toward P-Jo/Meg this time around as a consolation prize for P-Chris/Eva not being endgame, but whoops, guess not.

I will give Penetrator Jo some credit, he does a decent job of seeming like a friendly, flirty, genuinely interested guy. By “some credit” I mean that were I an emotionally fraught teenage girl and not a TV viewer watching this scenario play out for the fifth time, I would probably fall for his caring and concerned schtick, not credit for him behaving this way, to be clear. Also while he’s laying it on thick, Megan clearly kisses him first.

Boy Jo revealed to be jackass with “why do you always lead me on like that” as if “don’t be a cocktease” in his first appearance wasn’t enough of a clue. Or you know, him having a girlfriend.

Not to mention adding “It’s real annoying” and then lurching into his happy boyfriend mode for Cleo without a hitch. This slick little shit.

This is random but with the aquatic theme of the dance, the first Cleo I thought of was Cleo the fish from Disney’s Pinocchio.

Jo all “We’re just talking” and being sure to add that Megan has a boyfriend. And hey babe, why don’t you have a girl-to-girl heart-to-heart with her? I’ll leave the two of you alone, see, I have nothing to hide, she doesn’t have anything incriminating to tell you.

I like the detail of Cleo calling Megan “Maggie” since it’s a reminder that yeah, she’s a stranger, this is a sweet but impersonal gesture, and there’s a lot she doesn’t know about the situation.

I know people have gotten on all the Evas for not going up to Vildes as they’re leaving the party (I think Italian Eva is the only one who talks to her), but I don’t think you can be too hard on Eva/Meg in this scenario. She’s thinking she’s been betrayed by her boyfriend and that her relationship is possibly over, the other dude who has been flirting with her has a girlfriend, and she just cheated. She’s too drained to deal with much else.

The moment of Meg and Marlon talking on their phones while looking at each other was pure cheesy teen drama and I kinda dug it. I didn’t care for the music choice, though - the song isn’t bad but it fit weirdly with the scene, like when Meg said, “My feet hurt,” and then the lyrics were immediately, “And it hurts like helllll,” lmao. Felt awkward.

Marlon has a lot to do to get on my good side but giving his ugly shoes to Meg and carrying her heels was a cute gesture.

Aha, Marlon was selling Adderall to Abby! Overall I think that’s a good change from him smoking weed as I’m pretty sure selling Adderall would have more severe consequences and it also fits with the theeeeeemes of pressure to succeed.

Also Meg seems surprised that Abby would use Adderall. This is far more incriminating to Abby as well, since she’s not just being a bystander to her brother’s weed transactions. Though probably nothing will come of that.

Meg being like “So you’re a drug dealer?” and Marlon being all, I’m not a drug dealer, I don’t hang out on street corners selling to random people - LMAO. Bro, you sell drugs, you’re a drug dealer. I think it’s probably an accurate teenage mindset, though. Middle-class white boy selling his prescription medicine to his classmates - doesn’t fit the shady connotations in his head, therefore can’t be a drug dealer.

So on the one hand, not to condone teenage drug dealing, but I can completely get how selling your meds would be a more tempting and satisfying option to earn some cash rather than say, getting a minimum wage job at McDonald’s or something like that. You would make more money with much less time working. And I get that Marlon would want to have some financial independence from his parents. But I’m not a huge fan of Marlon’s motivation being just that his parents don’t understand his music. It’s not that I think it couldn’t happen, it’s that it seems like, well … a TV cliche? Maybe it’s just one of those things I’ve seen so much of in teen media, the kid who loves music/art/dance/acting/creative pursuit and the parents who want them to take a more stable path in life. 

I kind of wish Marlon had a more topically relevant motivation for selling drugs. His family is struggling financially and he needs the money. College tuition is utterly ridiculous in this country so he’s trying to save up. I guess it doesn’t have to be that serious, but IDK. Like I said, feels a bit cliche.

General Comments:

This week’s best Facebook comment:

American culture truly is having your soundcloud boyfriend dealing adderall

Also at least one person accidentally wrote “Marlon” as “Melon” and I find that hilarious. GET IT TOGETHER, MELON.

The whole shit with the Instagram influencers posting about Skam Austin is so obnoxious and fake. Remember when original Skam received little to no traditional promotion because nothing word turn off teenagers than their parents telling them about this new show that was out? The stuff with the influencers is completely opposed to that strategy. It’s an inauthentic approach when Skam’s appeal lies heavily in its authenticity.

There’s also something to be said about whether this show is reaching teenagers, because quite a few of the newbies appear to be older, but that was inevitable considering Facebook’s losing teenage users and skewing older.

They need to rein in Kelsey a bit. I think the actress has potential, but they’re making her seem like a character who should be on a bad Disney Channel or Nickelodeon sitcom accompanied by a laugh track, not a real person. 

I love seeing the Skam Austin newbies ask where they can watch Skam and the OG stans rush in with 10,000 links. 

They didn’t post anything on Saturday, not even texts. Are they going to go on hiatus? This is where the break was in the OG S1, plus it’s episode 5 out of a probable 10 (since they cut the cabin episode). I think it’d be a bad idea to take a break now since they don’t want to lose momentum.

[comicsbeat]

Yet more amazing comics debuting at tomorrow’ Comic Arts Brooklyn show!

Roopert August Lipp Revival House 56 pages, 8.5″ X 11″ 2 color offset
$10

The long-awaited debut by comics virtuoso, August Lipp. Perhaps you’ve been fortunate to see glimpses of his work in esteemed anthologies such as Smoke Signals, for example. Now, one can evince the full dexterity of his talent with the exuberant saga, Roopert. Roopert is excited to return to school after a summer of splendid adventures! His best chums will all be there: Clyve the shy badger, Benji the other, slightly shorter bear, Hannah the ballsy fox, Timothy the average frog, Clarissa the dentally-advantaged crocodile and many more. Hey, this school is a real ZOO! What kind of antics will they get up to when the bell rings and Miss Julienne the human’s 6th grade class begins? Irreverence and beastly nature are masked by overzealous displays of etiquette as the child animals struggle for agency in the face of less-than-responsible authority figures. Follow along as this comic meanders through Roopert’s first action-packed day of middle school! Adult supervision recommended. published by Revival House Press!

Hot Dog Beach #4 by Lale Westvind

High octane slapstick adventure starring Mop and Fuzz, two ding dongs trying to make a buck on a strange gig that never ends.

“BIG BONERZ: A Street Dawgz Comic Collection” by Lizz Lunney

This experimental comic tells the story of a group of canines that tackle depression, drug addiction and anger problems whilst roaming the streets and protecting their cardboard box home from outsiders. Lunney explores themes of fame/celebrity, mental health problems, class struggle, addiction and more through a pack of homeless street dogs. Lots of jokes! Lots of bones! Published by Birdcage Bottom Books 5.25″ x 7.5″, 44 pages. $7
Two-color risograph cover with b+w interior

The Loud Atlas

By Peter + Maria Hoey

Our new accordion fold book takes a surreal and funny look at the noisy world imagined by the Italian Futurists. Using the style of Marinetti and the rhyming pattern of Dr. Seuss. 8 panels and 45” inches long. Screen printed in 2 colors and hand bound on black book board in an edition of 50.

  DOMINO BOOKS

At CAB, we are proud to debut our ninth publication, BOOK OF DAZE by E.A. Bethea. Swing by table M3 to check it out—we will also have dozens and dozens of rare zines and art books available, many of them making their debut at the show.

  If you can’t make it to CAB, BOOK OF DAZE is available for pre-order now through our online shop.

  Book of Daze by E.A. Bethea. $6, 40 pages. Color cover, black and white interior, printed on newsprint.

“I first discovered Bethea’s stuff almost twenty years ago, she is one of the people whose work made me finally commit to comics as my medium of choice. With her barbed, nervous line and blunt writing style, she’s like a Duchampian voice calling for comics revolt. Her comics call out to us that no matter how damaged or how much of an outsider someone is, comics is our birthright.” -Josh Bayer, author of Theth

Book of Daze by E.A. Bethea is the kind of book DOMINO exists to publish. I first found Bethea’s work lying around an apartment I was visiting. I picked it up and from that moment on, have never forgotten it. As I began to read her dense pages, I was overwhelmed by the straightforward emotional statements and startlingly precise mind behind the sequences. In one moment, Bethea’s comics would acknowledge pain and disappointment, then turn to explain it away or justify things, only to finally confront the problem from a new angle. On the next page, simple pleasures became the focus, romantic notions embraced. Later on in the book cynical approaches to anything and everything were duly considered. All of this managed to congeal as Bethea kept another strong cloud hanging over it all: a refusal to shy away from an unashamed embrace of the full panorama of life. 

Bethea, a simple interpretation might offer, chronicles the web of living in the world with a heart and a mind sometimes at odds and sometimes simpatico. But Bethea gives us something more complex: at times, the work feels dead-pan as it shifts from exhilaration to resignation without a change in visual presentation, but it’s here where we have a guide to the heart of Bethea’s project. The often uniform nature of the pages and the highly non-uniform nature of what is contained within become a catalog of days or weeks or years. One page offers a subdued period in life, while the next (seemingly) similar page offers a day full of regret. Bethea talks about her work relating to cinema, specifically calling attention to what happens between one of her panels and the next. The shifts in emotion and carefully chosen images alongside highly precise language feel like walking into a film where the entire crew–from director to actor to gaffer—united in one mind to make something highly exquisite.

The Unquotable Trump by R. SIkoryak (Drawn and Quarterly)

R. Sikoryak frames Trump and his declarations as the words and actions of the most notable villains and antagonists in comic book history.

The House of Dickinson by R. Sikoryak (self published)

This mini combines the poetry of Emily Dickinson with the atmosphere of 1950’s horror comics.

Futile Comics #6 Mike Centeno

A 16 page look at a day in the life of a woman who deals with subway abuse, retail hijinx, and gym bros until she reaches the breaking point and has no energy left to keep all the black goop of rage inside of her.

Precious Little Lives By Joe Garber

This new American classic follows the melodramatic tragedies of a Tap n’ Scat Jazzist just trying to make her way in the world with a head full of dreams and a pocket full of toxic-male assholes.

Generous Consolation Conor Stechschulte In consolation for not having the third volume of Generous Bosom ready in time for CAB, this zine offers a preview of selected images from that book. Available on its own or for free with a preorder of GB3.

TRUMPTRUMP Volume 1: nomination to inauguration

by Warren Craghead III

Every day, Warren Craghead draws and shares grotesque portraits of Donald Trump and his minions. TRUMPTRUMP Volume 1 collects the first six months of these daily drawings with context and commentary, from when Trump accepted the Republican nomination for president on July 21, 2016 until his inauguration on January 20, 2017. — Retrofit Comics

Bestiary by Alden Viguilla

A collection of mythical beasts risographed in blue and gold.

  Final form #1 By Craig Bowers

A fantasy about two friends trying to make quick cash so they can go travel the world and two frogs slacking on the job.

The 12 Days of Christmas

Caitlin Keegan

The 12 days of Christmas, illustrated. A holiday zine that you can color (or not.) 

Twin Peaks poster

Caitlin Keegan

12×18″ poster featuring sketchbook drawings of characters from season 3.

 Bronze Enamel Sun Pin

Caitlin Keegan

Bronze + enamel pin with reversible sun face (1.125″)

I’ll also have copies of The Illuminated Tarot, which came out in April.

So What? Press Tales of the Night Watchman LLC

www.sowhatpress.com

  Tales of the Night Watchman is the story of Nora, a blogger stuck working a dead end job in coffee, and her roommate, Charlie, who happens to be possessed (in the nicest way possible) by a spectral detective called The Night Watchman. Baristas by day, heroes by night, Nora and Charlie answer the call to fight the city’s never-ending flux of supernatural activity.

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Issue synopsis:

The Gowanus Golem is back! In this follow up to one of the series’ most popular tales, Brooklyn’s most toxic monster is after a couple thugs who are responsible for the death of a young boy. There’s only one problem: To stop him, The Night Watchman must protect one of the killers. Oh, and did we mention it’s also a Christmas special? Written by Dave Kelly Artwork by Brett Hobson Colors by Clare DeZutti Cover by Tim Hamilton

Over Time, Every Section Was Allowed To Grow Accordingly Aaron Cockle, New York Is For Sale, Table J2

It’s part 1 of a 2-part Franz Kafka fan comic, 32 pages

Annie Mok Loves Videogames by Annie Mok

A collection of comics, essays, and an interview, all about an abiding love and critique of games such as The Legend of Zelda, Shenmue, Sonic, and others. Annie Mok freelances for Rookie Mag, The Comics Journal, The Establishment, and others, and now makes games such as The Haunted Nintendo.

Keep Going Greg Kletsel

32 page Risograph zine inspired by the phrase “keep going”.

  Animation: Dansemorphia (on custom silicone USB’s !) Zine: Frame Drain –

Roya Haroun

blurb- Danse! Morph! Ya!

Parasite Wanderer By Connor McCann

A girl wakes up with a parasite attached to her face and the two embark on a bombastic and poetic 16 page adventure.

People of Oakland Asuka Ohsawa

When I moved from Brooklyn to Oakland in 2014, in an attempt to get to know my new environment, I got into the habit of staring at people who caught my attention, memorizing their facial features, and drawing them at home. The book is a collection of some of those sketches.

Somewhere, Sometime Asuka Ohsawa

After my dad passed away in 2016, I traveled to my childhood home in Japan often and dug through his material possessions. This experience triggered an avalanche of childhood memories that I hadn’t thought of for so many years. I decided to piece together bits and pieces of these memories in this book.

Slasher #5 by Charles Forsman

It’s all been leading to this. The final issue of Charles Forsman’s exploration into violence and sexuality. After the events of issue four, Christine lets herself indulge for the last time. From the creator of the E4/Netflix series The End of the F***ing World.

Live at the Grelman: #4 Amy Magick By Vinnie Neuberg, AT Pratt, and Derek Timm-Brock

Live at the Grelman is a collaborative storytelling stand-up comedy comic strip. All strips are written and drawn in the order that they appear and nothing is preplanned. This issue features guest strips by Drew Miller, Disa Wallander, Lane Graff, Max Huffman, Kelsey Wroten, Haejin Park, Mikey Karpiel, and Michael Furler. 40pp

Touch By Vinnie Neuberg

A new mini-comic about an online date gone awry in a Virtual Reality world. Each comic comes with a foldout poster. 24pp



False Advertising By Dylan Balliett

False Advertising is a collection of recent illustrations, comic strips, and single panel gag comics by Dylan Balliett.

The Fishes’ Ball By Priscilla Boatwright

A locket. A fisherman. A steed. The Fishes’ Ball is a short tale about a man who descends to the bottom of a lake in search of his beloved.

CAB 2017 Debuts Part Two: More exciting comics to fill your brains and shelves Yet more amazing comics debuting at tomorrow' Comic Arts Brooklyn show! Roopert August Lipp Revival House…