#is it rude to call someone gay if they're repressed

[paraphwrites]

i haven't seen anyone acknowledge the fact that simon got the book he summoned sa'al the demon from his BROTHER

what the fuckity fuck was simon's older brother doing with a demon summoning book?? hm?????

[youturningintodust]

I will never not be baffled and disappointed that even in a chat group entirely centered around talking about Xena: Warrior Princess -- and one that billed itself as "the gay subtext one" that mocked "maintexter homophobia", even --

I still faced negativity for:

being transmasc/genderqueer and not hiding it

rejecting/gently mocking the idea of my having a hetero relationship with a cis man, basically mildly showing my homosexuality rather than being a full bisexual

as an extension of 2 -- being uncomfortable with male main characters (i.e. Joxer) continually sexually harassing female main characters. talking about it. (everyone else tolerated this and froze out my comments. in a fandom for a lesbian-couple-centered show?!)

Most members of the group were bi cis women, gender-conforming and while there was one who was nice and normal towards me, the rest just went silent and got weird whenever either of the above were just like... Not hidden. Not stifled.

I remember one or two talked about being in a hetero marriage with a cis straight man, and that that was their "only exception" and if they were single again tomorrow -- that they wished they were with women.

One of the Big Names there, in a "TMI" convo, admitted that she only felt comfortable talking to women when she was drunk, and barely even then. She also referenced "fucking (women) through men in a threesome", which to me those two put together shows strong fear of doing things that people like me (fully gay, butch, masculine to the point of trans) are known for doing: using a strapon to fuck your female partner yourself. Of course someone who secretly desires to do this would have that kink, if they were frightened to even talk to women.

Essentially, half the discomfort was deep jealousy. Because they did not have the bravery to live the life I was living. The repression there was SO REAL.

It also taught me how much fandom is an expression for painfully awkward, self-closeting women. (i.e. not forced to be, by abuse or shariah law or something.) One would say things randomly like "omg they're so gay" and I thought it was just fangirling. Later, she said that that was code for "I felt horny when I wrote that". This explains soooooo much about how online fandom works to me that I just didn't pick up on before. I was always feeling more of a nonsexual, sentimental, romantic emotion or just...general enthusiasm for the story's gay writing or whatever. Not something sexual.

Just. So many layers to that scene. Makes me glad I'm not a part of it.

But sad that it didn't work out in the end.

Right before I ended up leaving, a member joined whom I remembered from an older chat group. She would predate on the teens in the group, asking highly personal questions, preying whenever someone said something about their IRL that sounded sad (zeroing in on them at that moment and asking a lot about it). Like. Abuser behavior. She was in her 40s-50s, original era X:WP fandom. I almost publicly called her out, but my rep was already in the trash for just...being transmasc. So again I felt that I couldn't.

Just a shame. A literally lesbian-populated fandom that couldn't survive without it, for a show with multiple trans actresses in it and one actual trans episode, which embraces cis women characters' masculine side and puts it on proud display... which embraces their homosexuality (for Gabrielle) and bisexuality with a strong gay lean (for Xena).... Shouldn't be the place where this kind of shit is allowed to fly.

There was just so much petty, high-school-girl behavior and energy, too. Not possible to have direct conversations, seen as rude if you tried, meanwhile they were all headfucky and game-playing.

No place for a stereotypically blunt butch that likes healthy, direct discussions about life, fictional themes, and keepin' it real. Too below-the-surface, catty, etc.

Just. Ugh.

[thefandomcassandra]

Fantasy high you say? 👀 would you be willing to write about ragh?

Fuck. Yeah.

Fucking love Ragh Barkrock. He's a very good boy trying his best. And his mom fucking slaps.

---

He doesn't like thinking. He gets lost in his own head sometimes. Even though people call him dumb and slow and shit, like he doesn't understand shit, he has a big head he can get lost in. Especially if he's not careful. Then he gets all sad and shit coz he's thinking too much and then he has to hit sandbags or dunk Zayn in the fucking trash bin until he can drag himself free. Feeling sad hurts. Fuck that noise.

When he looks at Dayne, there's too much of this soft warmth and tightening of his chest and he wants to punch Dayne's face with his face so bad! But that's gay and people'd call him gay and that'd fucking suck. So he doesn't. He just wants to and he hates that he wants to and it makes him angry and then he checks this fucking dweeb-ass freshman into the lockers. Then a fight but that's fine. Fights are red and blood and he doesn't have to think when he fights. He just has to hit.

Coach Daybreak is nice and shit. Takes care of the Owlbears (Hoot! Growl!) and makes sure the team is in working order. He also makes it so he doesn't have to think so hard. Coach says "go kick the shit out of this goth kid" and he does. Coach says "help me do this thing" and he does. Coach gets mad coz he fucking dunks that cleric girl's book in the corn and says he's in trouble and he's thinking again. Drowning in the worry that maybe he's fucked up the one relationship he has with someone who isn't his mom. So he apologizes but Coach is all mad and shit and has him go fuck shit up and he doesn't have to think after that.

It's fucking weird though. Even though he was so fucking rude to these fucking dumbass freshies, they fucking saved him and told him to go talk to the new counselor dude and that he was gay but not in a bad way? They threatened him, sure, but like, that's how things work, right? And Coach was gone and maybe if he figured shit out he could tell Dayne that he wanted to fucking make out with him and things would be okay? And the dweeb-ass freshman he checked into a locker on the first day has him in a decent headlock and is screaming and, yeah, he gets that. And the cleric chick is the one that brought him back and that's gotta mean something. So, sure, if he doesn't have to think, he'll do what they ask. Coz thinking always gets him sad and into trouble and shit and he doesn't like that.

The counselor dude—Jawbone, who is a werewolf and also dope as fuck—says he's repressed and maybe that using violence as escapism isn't good for his mental well-being. Also that being gay is fine and nothing to be ashamed of. And that maybe he can work on thinking more so he doesn't sink so fast into his own brain. It's helpful.

But he tells Dayne he likes him and the dude fucking blacks his eye.

But the vice principal is a fucking dragon and attacking the school.

But the freshman who saved (hurt, used, intimidated, helped) him ask for help and he's drowning in his thoughts and fears.

But he dies again and they bring him back and they win and that's fucking dope!

But there's something going on and this cat lady hurts his mom and every bit of control he's built is gone and he's drowning drowning drowning.

But the Bad Kids—that's their fucking team name, which is fucking great, right?—ask for him to come with them on their fucking midterm adventure and that's enough for him to graduate finally.

But they have a picture of that cat lady and none of them can see her.

But they ask and he can't.

But they offer him support.

They ask again, in his head. Offer him one of those donut-shaped floatie things, the fucking lifesavers or whatever they're called. And he trusts them—not because he doesn't have to think around them, like Coach and Dayne and fighting, but because they help him think—and he tells them and they wanna help more. The space in his head gets smaller coz they pad the insides with blankets and magic and understanding and that's pretty fucking awesome of them.