#is it jsut my brain hating the feeling so passionately?

[insomnianoctem]

Playing the deadly game of: is this shirt a scam or does my body just hate the fabric?

[thatneoncrisis]

griddlehark situationship can be sooooo. it makes me gnash my teeth. their weird ways of saying sorry vs gideon's relief when they're back to bickering bc its familiar. harrow's genuine discomfort at being called a tar pit but just. not knowing how not to be. and also being snippy the more adjectives are added.

also loved how you got other characters in as well (we suffer as dolores was my favourite)

question: what did harrow mean when she said the light had dimmed?

the tar pit bit was fun to do, im in my bojack rewatch era and that series has done a TON of chemical changes in my brain re writing about toxic characters and grief and whatnot. this whole things feels like a loose homage to free churro, just like the grappling of loosing a relationship with your mother than you never even had, and never will have

picking we suffer and wakes new names was fun. im kind of iffy on changing characters names into more normal ones but i think i jsut have lingering resentment from homestuck. kevin vantas i will always hate you. i really appreciate it when its like thought out or a pun, like the fic You Just Ain't Recieving has the angel called d'angelo and thats awesome like bam perfect name. so learning dolores basically means sorrow in spanish was kind of perfect for a woman named we suffer, and frankly i just kind of lucked out that te wake is like an actual last name. pash's excuse is that shes transgender shes just literally named passion and they all live with that

in regards to the actual question you asked its pretty simple- harrow is extraordinarily bad with people. especially people in delicate emotional states because their mom is dead and their life already sucks on top of that. normally, when harrow says something bitchy or callous to gideon they can just go back and forth, spar for a while it doesnt mean anything. but gideon isnt bouncing back anymore. when harrow is mean to her she just kind of sighs and withdraws. and its not just like, the dead mom thing. its been happening for a while. its just getting less fun. arguing isnt a game anymore its just arguing. theyre getting older and things are changing between them, and harrow is recognizing that change but she doesnt know what to do, because shes just kind of a mean person. gideon doesnt smile as much, harrow conceptualizes her as this very big radiant personality and shes just. not. shes complicated. shes depressed

[im-the-punk-who]

Miranda and Thomas for the character ask meme! (Am I predictable? Maybe. Do I care? I do not.)

Okay I skipped to this one because WHOOOOOOOO BOY DO I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT THESE TWO LMAO. Also please continue to be predictable you know me you know my FEELINGS. Uh. As a warning this is. Long. Like it was 3k at last count. Please...please bear with me.

How I feel about this character

Miranda:

Honestly my growing feeling is that I wanted such a different arc for her. She gets used for Flint’s progression(not even necessarily by Flint, but by the writing of their characters) she gets shit on by the world, she gets her world taken away, and then when she finally tries to start taking the things she wants from it back, she is killed. 

I both love, and growingly ... hate is not the word. I hate her character arc. I love my girl, who is smart, and funny, and sure of herself, who knows what she wants, knows how to get it, and in a world dominated by men isn’t afraid to cross them when it needs to happen. Who saw her world fall apart and saw the man responsible and didn’t shy away from a course of action she knew would lead to his death. Who was called a witch and shunned and had rocks thrown at her and somehow managed to build anything from that, with Flint only there sometimes and even when he was there, still angry and lost over a past that she is trying to move on from. 

God I just. my thoughts on Miranda are ever evolving and ever changing. I love her, and honestly I can’t even blame her for betraying James because their interests were SO at odds with each other that it was inevitable. 

Thomas:

Okay there are literally not enough words to explain how much I love Thomas Hamilton. I may actually love him more than James McGraw. Proportionally to how much information we are given on him I certainly do. I’ve written more meta on him(and my longest fic to date) than any other character. 

Thomas Hamilton is so important. WHY is Thomas Hamilton important? 

Because he recognizes that everyone is entitled to belonging, to not being shunned for who they are. Because he believes in love, and the goodness of things, because while this is true he is not naive about who he is or what London is - nor does he shy away from hard truths. Because he is angry about injustice, because he refuses to capitulate to societal norms even when the right path is easier. I love him a lot because of the fact that the first thing he does when he sees James after ten years is to check in with him emotionally. 

I love him so so so much because he’s cheeky and intellectual but uses that intellect for the best better he knows how to. Because when he’s shown he’s wrong he changes course because he knows that pride is a useless emotion that stymies us in connecting with other people in the ways we are meant to connect. Because he knows that shame and trying to hide who you are, those are the things that keep us apart. He knows that knowing someone and making yourself known is the truest form of connection.  

I love him because of the growth we see him go through - Thomas Hamilton has more character growth in 15 minutes than some characters have the entire show. And it is because all of these things are true: because he actively seeks to better himself, and does not shy away from his own flaws and moral failings. He is a radical because he truly believes that a better world is possible, and that love and forgiveness and understanding WHY someone is the way they are, are the paths to that better world. and I just. really love him for it. Okay?

Thomas Hamilton Stan First, Human Being Second.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Miranda:

Thomas, James, Peter Ashe’s wife

So I’m gonna kind of budge into my Thomas answer with Miranda, but I have a LOT of thoughts on her lmao.

So with James and Thomas, I do believe that she was romantically and sexually involved with both of them, at least to some degree. I don’t really have a strong opinion on how much, because that honestly changes with the story that’s being told, where in there relationship they are, etc, but I do believe they were a true triad in every sense of the word. Like Jack and Anne, I think sex particularly between Thomas and Miranda was inconsequential to their love of each other, and their romantic compatibility. Particularly because I view both of them as having other sexual partners, it’s just not important to me to define that part of their relationship. 

With James, it’s different but with some of the same machinations. Personally, I don’t think Miranda and James work as a solitary couple. They need Thomas as the fulcrum to function, and I think while this is exacerbated by Thomas’ death, it would have been true regardless. James and Miranda are very different people in a way that leads to a lot of conflict if they’re put directly to each other. 

Miranda is an individualist, she thrives on having things of her own - her garden, her relationships with the Puritans, her social life in London, her extramarital affairs - Miranda to me is the definition of an independent woman, but not in the way that makes her incapable of love or romance. Just that she puts herself before her romantic attachments. James is the very opposite - the people who are important to him are all important, and I think Miranda is a bit stifled by that, especially when trying to fill the hole left by Thomas. James needs people - he needs partners and people to be dependent on and intimate with and attached to. It’s what makes him work so well with Thomas, but with Miranda it’s a source of tension. And so,  while I do still ship them in Nassau, I tend to view them as very dysfunctional, lost, still loving towards each other but having a difficult time showing that in ways the other can understand. (James sees everything he is trying to build as a sign of his love, Miranda sees asking for the pardon as a symbol of hers.)

Okay and here’s my galaxy brain, off the walls take that I’m subjecting anyone to who will listen:

My crack ship that I will sail into that good night is Miranda and Peter’s wife, because I like to headcanon that Miranda is trans and Abigail is actually her daughter but they never told Peter bc like LMAO why would they and also Abigail looks enough like her mom and sort of like Peter that it never came up -esp since her mom was never unfaithful and just always hanging out with her galpal Miranda. 

(This also neatly solves the ‘Is Miranda barren’ question about why she and Thomas never have any kids bc the barren woman trope is one i HATE WITH A PASSION lmao.) 

Anyway so Miranda and Peter’s wife are A Thing but like, Miranda knows what London is and she’s breaking enough rules being trans, presenting as female, and being in love with a woman, so she marries Thomas when Peter and his wife(who I’ve taken after Meg in calling Kitty) marry, but Thomas is totally cool with it and he’s like ‘this is actually super convenient so have at it.’ 

(I LOVE this scene because it hints at Miranda having had this struggle before - of having to learn the difference between a little danger and mortal danger and having to potentially give up things in order to survive in a way that seems more serious that just a woman avoiding a marital scandal.)

So anyway this is also like, why she’s so desperate to return to London society because it’s so much easier to pass when there are Rules yaknow? 

But then they find Abigail, and Kitty is presumably dead, and she finds out Peter betrayed them as well and well she just MCFREAKIN LOSES IT.

Anyway this is my sandbox you’re all welcome to play in it. Enjoy.

Thomas: 

Miranda, James!

So yeah I’ve already talked about how I see Miranda and Thomas so let’s move on to the fucking main event, Thomas and James. 

THOMAS AND JAMES.

Do you have an hour to talk about my two perfect boys, Thomas Hamilton and James McGraw?

Anyway so like obviously I ship Thomas and James together and to me the best thing about their relationship is that they do compliment each other’s needs so well??? Like, Thomas, who has probably never had someone really stand up and defend him, he has people talking behind his back, even Peter and Miranda indulge him more than they should.

And then there’s James who’s like ‘BRO, MY GOOD LORD, this is MADNESS’ and FIGHTS him and MAKES him explain his case and MAKES him change his mind and see the reality in things, and doubts him and openly is like ‘My Lord I have grave doubts about whether or not something like this isn’t jsut straight up stupid.’

And Thomas is just so CHUFFED because 

1) HELLO have you seen Lieutenant James McGraw and 

2) Lieutenant James McGraw isn’t afraid to tell him he’s being an absolute right piss pot. 

And THEN his whole world view starts changing because of this man, and THEN he finds out that James??? Defended Miranda???? and he’s like ‘oh no <3’ and he starts actually really trusting and valuing James’ opinion and THEN JAMES STANDS UP FOR HIM AGAINST HIS FATHER and Thomas is like ‘well sign me up for the next war’ and they learn and grow and TRUST one another so much.

Ans on the other end there’s James, who wants so badly to BELONG to something, who has probably always been both too smart and not well bred enough, and then he meets Thomas, who doesn’t give a shit about his birth, who recognizes his talent, who LISTENS when James speaks. And not only that but he’s the most honest person James has probably ever met? And he CARES. Really, actually CARES about how his actions and the actions of his family and England as a whole affect those who are under their control. And he argues, and fights, but James learns, and he’s accepted into the Hamilton’s home as if he’s always been there. And he’s fooling around with Miranda and just gay up FALLING for Thomas and every time he thinks he’s fucked up Thomas is??? Pleased???? And then Thomas suggests possibly the DUMBEST thing James has EVER heard come out of his mouth. 

Pardons?? For ALL of the Pirates???

Thomas.

Thommy.

T-Dot-Ham.

But Thomas is like THEY’RE MEN. THEY DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE. THEY’VE BEEN FAILED BY US AND IT’S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO SEE THAT WRONG RIGHTED. WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE IF THEY’RE TRAITORS TO THE CROWN - THE CROWN CAN FORGIVE THEM. 

And I think this is the moment that something really snaps into place for James, because he’s lived his life knowing his preferences aren’t accepted, that he is technically betraying his crown and country simply for being, and here is Thomas - and I do imagine James knows Thomas fucks men because as i’ve said before there’s no real reason for Thomas to be hiding it? 

SO ANYWAY he’s having a small breakdown during dinner while Thomas is arguing with his father and Alfred Hamilton is being a RIGHT CLASS GRADE A MOTHER FUCKING FORK DISASTER. And James just. He snaps. He gingermcfucking snaps because THOMAS. THOMAS believes in forgiveness and he BELONGS in this house with these people 

Because in this house, with these people, is where he belongs, and there’s no way he’s gonna let Alfred Hamilton talk to HIS FAMILY like that lmao. 

someone should be willing to defend it.

So anyway then they smooch and then they fall even MORE in love because Thomas IS where James belongs and someone is standing up forThomas in a way HE’S never had before. And then. God then everything falls apart but in the end they do survive, they both survive, and at the end of all things, they find each other again and just...listen i’ve written so much about the finale lmao. but this truly sums it up

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Miranda:

Honestly I always wanted to see Max and Miranda interact, or Miranda and Hal. Like can you imagine, more than anything else, Hal and Miranda teaming up to absolutely destroy James Mc-fucking-Graw? 

Iconique. 

And Max and Miranda I just feel like would at first have SUCH hostility towards each other, but I feel like they could bond over living in the shadows, and what you sacrifice to do that.

Thomas:

ANNE MC-FUCKING-BONNY

I just really get the feeling that Thomas and Anne would be absolute besties and would get along like a fucking house on fire. And maybe actually set the house on fire. Thomas is SO open and Anne is so closed off and you would never think it would work but it does for some reason and they just. Are besties. End of.

I also think he and Madi would have a really interesting and fun relationship with Thomas once they got to know each other. They are extremely similar characters in their core ideologies and feelings about the people they view as their kin. I think they would definitely butt heads over a lot of things but I think they would also both understand that to make an omlette you have to break a few very hard skulls. 

They both try to understand where others are coming from, and that core curiosity is I think what would be so fun to explore with them. 

My unpopular opinion about this character

Miranda:

Miranda is Silver’s true parallel in the series and there’s not really anything anyone can do to change my mind I have proof. They’re literally the exact same character except her anger gets her killed because she’s a woman.

(ME? BITTER? Like milkweed.)

But even beyond that, like...listen there is a whole list of parallels in things they do, how they think, how they act when endangered or when put to a choice, who they chose, how they choose...

My unpopular opinion I suppose is that Miranda never understood James’ true motivations, because she always desired to return, whereas returning to civilization was never going to be possible for James. (And, that James never understood her, as a corollary.)

Thomas:

I’M REALLY SORRY I’M GONNA TALK ABOUT THE EXACT THING YOU DID BUT FROM THE OTHER END LMAO. I’m a trash human.

Edit: I went back over this with a fine tooth comb, and reworded/changed a bit of my opinion in this post. I still think that there’s clear indicators for Thomas changing from the first time we meet him to where I think he would be in the finale, but also that like, he was born, grew up, was supported by and lived in a colonialist system and that those things are almost impossible to throw off when they’re so ingrained in your own privilege.

So my unpopular opinion is that viewing Thomas as a supporter of colonialism throughout his arc ignores the character development we’re shown. 

I absolutely agree that in the beginning he is aligning with colonial views even as he seeks to change them, but after the hanging date with James we see a huge shift in his view about what's wrong with Nassau. He basically looks at the whole situation with the pirate being hung and says 

 By the time he’s come up with the pardons I think it’s clear he’s seen that the way England does things is wrong. 

James says that Thomas believes England needs to systemically rethink itself in 2x03 and that the pardons were a way to seek to change England entirely in his talk with Rogers. 

We’re shown his character move away from the colonialist views he started with, even in London. He recognizes they’re a problem and is trying to figure out a way to fix them.

Now, do I think that he still had room to grow? For sure. Just like James, he has only just begun the journey. 

But I think framing his entire character in London as a static upholder of colonialism ignores a lot of the real character growth were given in the 15 minutes he's on screen. We have five scenes with him and in every one his character has changed and grown - and I think that's one of the things that I love most about him is that when he's shown he's wrong he actively tries to correct himself rather than doubling down like Guthrie or Peter or Silver, or a dozen other characters. Or even James sometimes. 

The beautiful thing about Thomas's character to me is how fluid and open to change he is and I think viewing him as merely a colonial agent or stuck in colonial thinking tends to ignore that part of his character completely. 

ALSO I think there is this false dichotomy of thinking that a revolutionary character can only be someone intent on tearing down the system. That ISN’T true and just because you’re working from inside the system doesn’t mean you support it. Thinking like that is exactly how you get shit like today, where people say we shouldn’t participate in government because it’s broken and the only way to move forward is to tear things down completely. 

/end rant <3

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

MIRANDA LIVES. MIRANDA CONFIRMED TRANS. 

THOMAS MORE SCREENTIME WHEN!! THOMAS HAVING DIALOGUE OR MOMENTS THAT ARE SHOWN TO BE THROUGH HIS ACTUAL LENS AND NOT SOMEONE’S MEMORIES OR STORY. 

GIVE THOMAS AGENCY BLACK SAILS CHALLENGE.

I mean tbh, I would love to rewrite the whole damn thing but my biggest things are that Miranda doesn’t die, and is given a chance to choose her own ending - maybe she decides to stay in Charlestown! Or goes to Boston at the end, when Jack goes to visit Guthrie!

And that Thomas got some scene - ANY scene - that was shown through his own eyes. We only see him in Miranda and James’ flashbacks, or Silver’s story. We never actually hear him speak through his own words and that is like, the biggest tragedy of Black Sails, that so many characters(Thomas, Madi, Flint, even Anne to a degree) are denied the agency of their own story through the narrative itself.

Also shame farm what shame farm in this house James Oglethorpe is represented with historical accuracy and Thomas has been working alongside him to keep Georgia a slavery free colony,, they’ve been reducing the prison populations in London, and he’s basically got an army of radicals ready to go when his sexy pirate husband returns from war.

Listen there’s no shame in asking me to write more than the 4500 words I’ve already written today about Black Sails Characters.

[knightofameris]

can i get a hq matchup? preferably with a guy? i’m an INFP, and i’m a slytherin. I have ADHD, Depression, and Anxiety. I’m quiet around strangers, but once i’m next to people i know, i’m really loud. i’m stubborn, witty, loyal, passionate, persistent, protective, and i tend to speak before i think. i have trust issues, but i tend to jump into battles for anyone i like. I like to draw, sing, write, and play games. I self deprecate a lot and i have a dark sense of humour. I like horror movies and

i have a fascination with crime(mainly serial killers). I’m very self-conscious, but when i’m excited, i tend to throw that away until i calm down. I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which means that whenever i get a negative reaction to something i become very distressed. I’m not a very active person, but if it’s an activity i like, i’ll try to do it often. i tend to procrastinate a lot. I’m very much a perfectionist, and i’ll push myself until i break down. I like to put my friends before myself, taking all of their problems and trying to solve them. I don’t hesitate to fight for my friends either. I also tend to tease said friends, sometimes going overboard. i’m very much emotionally controlled, it doesn’t take much to get me upset/angry. When i do get upset i start to physically shake, and i tend to cry. I like quiet, and i’m terrified of crowds, vomit, and being alone. I’m very much touch-starved, but i’m awkward with affection and don’t know how to show it. thank you so much

match ups are closed! check match up statuses on my pinned post because they’ll change! (in the mean time, my 500 event is open for self ships in Haikyuu!)

HIII THANK YOU FOR WAITING FOR SO LONG 

so let’s just get to it, thank you for requesting btw!

I think I have to ship you with Noya :3c

Why I think you work well together!

Okay, for one thing, I think Noya is someone who may not fully understand things, but he will do his best to support you in any way he can. I’m also INFP/ENFP and like I can see myself with Noya and mayhaps I’m projecting a bit so I can see you with Noya LOL. I think Noya is also someone who’s rather patient? Kinda? Like to get to know you and to get you to trust him. He’s jsut a very open baby and wants to get to know you and because of that he’ll wait till whenever you’re comfortable. ALSO NOYA I FEEL LIKE IS TOUCHY. So he might give you hugs or jump on you or wahtever because !!!! he hyper baby. I like the idea of the two of you both hating doing work but you guys both somehow motivate each other to do so. And if you ever need a hypeman for like being more active he’s your guy! He’ll also make sure you’re taking care of yourself too because he knows how much it’s actually detrimental when it comes to trying to push yourself. Noya’s also easy to tease and he’ll take it. If he notices that you’re offput by anything, he’ll try his best to help you out. Even if he’s not the best at reading people’s emotions. 

How you get together!

I like to think you guys have been classmates for however long

somehow being put in the same class every year

and thorugh all the different schools you guys would go to after graduating from primary to middle to high

so you guys know each other KINDA

i don’t think you guys really get to know each other till high school?

because this time around you guys are sitting next to each other!

and you’re both strugglign to get started on the work

lucky for noya you’re a perfectionist, despite being a procrastinator (honestly big same lol)

so being big brain

you guys do work together

homework and otherwise

you vaguely knew him, he’s loud, wants a girlfriend, friend’s with tanaka and supposedly a really good libero with tanaka

you guys become pretty good study buddies

but on one of the nights

you fund that you’re kinda bored

and you both actually got ahead in work

so y’all ended up watching movies

then played some video games

and so a sorta tradition came by where once a week you and noya would just chill

no work

no volleyball

just hang out!

tanaka got jealous lol cus noya got to hang out one-on-one with YOU! tanka thought they were date nights 

but i like to think this got y’all to develop feelings eventually

friends to lovers yknow but it was hard cus

you didn’t really let him in but he didn’t mind, even if you did like him

he’d wait

and he liked being friends with you because as long as you were happy its fine

plus you saw how he was with kiyoko lmao 

but maybe there was one night

a night where you guys weren’t doing anything

for once the night was calm and maybe you did open up that night

but either way noya says somethng to you that kinda just sticks

“however long it takes, i’ll support you no matter what! even if we’re on separate sides of the world”

[theworldsoul]

Sorry guys, I'm gonna vent Again, so if you don't want to read it just feel free to skip this post

Okay so basically we have a Gecko. Don't ask, that's another story for another time. My dad has grown fond of it, and I used to think he was cool until a specific day. On that say I fed him worms with a tweezer. When I picked them up, I could PHYSICALLY FEEL THEIR PAIN. I dont really know what happened there, but I physically felt their pain and i squeezed them. My dad said, "squeeze harder, do it by the head", and i tried it and i felt a jolt of pain... I told myself "you are just imagining the pain, its okay" but then when I looked back at the worm, squirming and struggling... I connected some dots in my brain and this hard realization came upon me, that I was causing this poor creature pain. I began to cry and my dad had to feed the gecko that day. Ever since then I havent interacted with the gecko because every time I do it freaks me out a bit. I dont really understand what happened that time but I want to forget about it before I go near the gecko again. I've been trying to get closer to him but I always freak out.

So today I was on my computer, right? Drinking a tea. Trying to feel peaceful. Then all of a sudden my dad is there, all happy with the gecko, and I go "oh hi!!!" Because I am under the impression that the gecko will stay ON HIS HAND. Of course I'm wrong. My dad encourages him to go onto the table to see me. I EXPECT the gecko to walk onto the table and towards me, but TO MY SURPRSISE, the gecko basically jumpscares me by suddenly jumping from his hand onto and nearby watterbottle. I jump a bit, startled, and I spill tea all over my computer, the table, and my sleeve. As I'm processing what happened I'm overtaken by fear and I begin to cry.

Of course I'm fine and I'm just overreacting, but I was scared. I wasnt hurt, my computer mousepad barely works now but I wasnt hurt. So why was I so scared of a little gecko? I dont know. So I'm crying and trying to clean up the mess of tea everywhere and my dad is mad at me for spilling my tea and he asks why I did that and I tell him that I was scared since it jumped so suddenly, yknow I wasnt expecting it. I dont remeber his exact words but it was soemthing about me being 15, like "oh well since you're 15 now you should grow the fuck up" basically. Then he left. Like???? I am literally trying to get my breathing back to a normal pace because I'm SCARED, I was just JUMPSCARED, and you get MAD AT ME??? YOUR CHILD IS FUCKING SCARED AND YOU JUST LEAVE THEM?? the whole time I was cleaning I could hear him in the other room talking to the gecko, all carefree and happy... while I did my best not to cry. Damn okay. It almost made me feel like I was below human.

Usually this wouldnt be such a big fucking deal, but I'm an emotional person. And also I notice that,,, whenever my sister is scared they lunge at the chance to help her feel safe again. It's like they hate me specifically.

I know I'm making a big deal out of something that is really not a big deal. Really all that happened was a little gecko jumped and I got scared. I'm overdoing it. But that's just how I am now. I really don't want to believe that I'm broken or anything, but fuck i think i genuinely am messed up if stupid shit like this makes me freak out... reminder that this all began with EMPATHIZING WITH A FUCKING MEALWORM. I'm jsut so fucking broken. And in the moments I was left alone to console myself as quietly as possible so as not to make anyone angry, I felt my body become possessed with another soul.

This happens sometimes, where I will sorta have the mindset of a child. I force it sometimes to cope, but other times it happens on it's own whenever I feel unloved or otherwise bad like this. I'm not too sure if this is a normal thing. But I describe it as possession. The fact that that event made me get possessed is kinda a big deal. Usually that only happens at REALLY BAD THINGS.

But this wasn't really bad... I'm just being sensitive and overdoing it.

Honestly my parents are right... I really do need to grow up. But I think I have something wrong with me, with my brain, because there are just so many things about this story that are so... wrong. Like, what sort of person freaks out and cries for an hour because they got jumpscared? What sort of person then has their body SWITCH SOULS because they feel like their parents dont love them? WHAT SORT OF PERSON EMPATHIZES WITH A WORM??? it's all so weird. Like, who knows, maybe my parents arent that bad, maybe I'm just like... weird. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm making such a big deal out of it... but I cant help it. That's just my emotions.

Shit, I should really get a therapist. All the ones I've been to so far tell me my emotional reactions are totally normal but THIS DOESNT SEEM FUCKING NORMAL TO ME. I've overreacted to shit my whole life. It's not. Helpful.

On another note, I notice that my crying doesnt induce a "concern" reaction in my father. It induces an "anger" reaction. They arent bad people, I just... I'm beginning to think they really fucking hate me.

They have all the reaosn to, but a lot of those reasons are things that couldve been fixed early on if the adults around me cared about my feelings enough to try to sort them out. It's been fifteen years and now I'm fucked up. Irreversible. Just. So.. so fuckinf damaged. I dont think I'll ever be normal. And I hate ft. But it cant happen.

Soemtimes I think it was a bad idea to choose to live after the party. It was the perfect time to die and I told myself no, dont do it. It was... perfect. Calling to me. I think it was my destiny to die that day. I think that now I am cursed since I dodged my destiny.

I try not to think that way. I tell myself that I am going to change so much. I tell myself that my passion will be my strength. But the way my life is going, it really doesnt feel like I will become anything good.

I'm failing my classes. They KNOW about my soul shifting. I cry too much. All I ever do is draw STUPID FUCKING DRAWINGS and play STUPID FUCKING MUSIC and play fashion designer in my room stitching things up... fucking hell. They're right to hate me. I'm a failure. But they're also wrong to hate me. A lot of the things they dont like about me are things that are THEIR FAULT.

Man, I dont even know what to think anymore. All I really ever wanted was their love. But it's impossible for me to get it now, so I should just forget about it. I cant though. It plagues me. The thought that they hate me. It hurts me. And when its confirmed to me... i'm sorry. All I ever do is complain about the most mundane bullshit ever. My parents are proabbly actually good people I'm just overdoing it because I'm I'm proabbly mentally ill or soemthing. And I'm a failure anyways so I cant fucking blame them for not liking me that much anwyays. God, fifteen is very old. And I'm a boy. I hate to say it but they're right. Fuck, they're right. I cant be crying... I'm so oversensitive. But wait, why am I trying so hard to justify their ideas? ITS BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY CONDEMNING THEIR ACTIONS. WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY. goddamn it...

I dont know how I'm gonna fix this though. I kinda wish my parents would treat me with the softness that I NEED, that my mind NEEDS and has needed for a while now, but I know that wont happen and really I'm just this overgrown child thing and oh fuck I wonder who's fault that is??? Cos it isn't all on me. Oh shit, now I'm scared. If I get a bad mark on my test my parents will freak out. I think I'm going to cry again. Fuck man, I try my hardest, it's just I'm literally defective. I cant do any better. I've been set up to fail anyways. Fuck. I just... I dont know, I wish things were different.

This is stupid and I'm being stupid and freaking out over one little thing. Fuck.

[little-forget-me-not]

im so sorry but every second of being alive is so torturous. every conscious moment i have to fight fight fight. fight to stay here. fight to make it through each second, each minute, each hour.  when i dream nightmares prowl in my head. when i wake it starts all over again, and when i have to DO things it’s so, so horrible. im trying to fix myself up to go to the polyclinic tomorrow to get referrals and im trying to get a haircut on the other end of the country and i have to travel all the way back and forth....it’s going to be so...empty and lonely and so..tiresome these...chores...i do it..cuz i have to love myself..look after myself...i just...i have to feed myself i have to speak and say..words and...battle with my thoughts and ....it’s so much. being alive is such a painful struggle. breathing is so ...so ..difficult. i keep doing it. one might call it strength. others might ridicule it. “dont be crazy don’t be ridiculous don’t be dramatic” whose voices are these....public? family? me? an amalgamation? it’s so...so, so, so sad being alive. i cannot express just how torturous and agonising it is to be alive. and it is so overwhelming, and so shameful to suffer so much. im fighting and yet all i feel is shame, shame, shame. im so tired of crying constantly. im so tired of fighting. fight fight fight. stay stay stay. you’ll be ok ok ok. but i havent been ok in years. ive been staying steadfast, staying strong. but it’s not enough. my strength isn’t enough. i’m not enough. the pain of being alive is too much. how can i take more of this? surely this will kill me? i use dto be able to go to work dilligently. quietly, suffering, i just do and do and do and i hold on, i keep holding on. slowly i breakdown from grief and emptiness. eventually i keep missing work. and then i just stop. now i barely work. i can’t even think about waking up each new day without breaking down and that’s with a day devoid of work. now waking up is agonising. being conscious is suffering. i cant reach out because i feel shame and like im bothering people. it’s just too much. when i try to talk to people, it all goes back in and i think im making this pain up. i try to sound rational, capable, fine. “im actually ok sorry to be so silly and to waste your time” or “im really not ok i don’t know how to prove it what if you think i’m jsut making things up and being pathetic” it’s so much. friends? loved ones? what are those? are they real? they all leave? who is telling me that? darkness everywhere, shadows leaping behind every wall. im just not strong enough. and i feel so horrible for not being strong enough to fight. i feel so pathetic and so weak such a terrible failure for not being strong enough to fight this darkness in my head. depression, unhealthy perspectives, bad upbringing....i tried my best. i fought for so long. i tried to better myself every day and every year i was getting somewhere right? but if so why am i here now? i dont even want to be seen online. i dont believe in myself. all the thoughts i thought i knew, the things i was proud of, the things i felt capable and passionately about...i doubt it all now. i doubt everything. and my inability to see beyond my failings, my inability to be compassionate and kind to myself and to work hard and being a better me just makes me feel so worthless. like it’s the end of my rope. that’s it. if i can’t go back up from here, this is it.

i knew i wouldn’t live past 25.

i want to so badly but i just cant believe in hope and help and i hate it because all i can think about is how it’s my fault i can’t believe in hope or in goodness or that help can ever be found and it’s my fault it’s my fault i think this way if i could believe if i could bELIEVE that things would get better maybe they would...and i try so hard but i can’t get myself to make it a reality and so all i can think is how this is all my fault for not being good enough to rewire my brain even though i try i try but it’s not good enough

[quackspot]

so pretty much. black green blue teal red white scarlet maroon periwinkle mauve blush vermilion honeydew lavender coral umber razzmatazz arsenic wine saffron timberwolf fallow plum tangerine sage crimsom chartreuse (everything good.)

ok, crakcs knuckles,

BLACK = I would date you. (u already know i woudl to)GREEN = I think you’re cute. (I KNOW YOU’RE CUTE)BLUE = You are my tumblr crush. (same)

TEAL = We have a lot in common. (yes)

RED = I hate you with a burning passion. (SUHFRJKWLK you also love me, i knwo that,)WHITE = You scare me. (i, too, know that. uwo)

SCARLET = You have influenced my decision/thoughts on something. (Eyes Emoji)MAROON = You taught me something new. (EYes EmOjI)

PERIWINKLE = You make me laugh (DSUHJKWRLKSFJKLDJLKJWEIO@WKJSLFIODJKLALDFIFJSKLDLKJFSKLFJKLJFSKLJFKLSFJKLJKLFSJFLKSJLJ god i’d lov to hear u laugh someday liek that’d be an epic gamer win)MAUVE = You are really talented (u r too shdfusjkgmsd)

BLUSH = Seeing you on my dash makes my day a little better. (getting dms from u make me realy happy sometimese liekekjOIDSFKLM)

VERMILION = You make me feel passionate (EWIJOE@OWDSKLMKFOSLDMOKLamkjoidKFSLFJNHFOISKJLASJKLJDKLFL:k;lfkL:KF:LS)HONEYDEW = I want to call you by a nickname (we coudl discuss nicknames in dms i’d love to call u a nickname too. i will refrain from calling u bible. that’s too DIRTY......)

LAVENDER = You inspire me (RWLJSFJKLJKLWJILWFKLSFJKL)CORAL = You’re a meme (yeah)UMBER = I want to know more about you (same)

RAZZMATAZZ = I would share my favorite food with you (i wish i could say the same for you but im Very protective about my favorite foods... tho my brain suggests the idea of feeding u grapes so i GUESS i MIGHT........)ARSENIC = I don’t know how to describe the way I feel about you (SJFSJKFLJLKJFLKSJKLFJKLSFJKLJKLSLJKJKL SAME)WINE = You make me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class  (when i saw this one it made me go o//O//o bc dsakjfdlj same)

SAFFRON = I love your ideas (I LOVE YOURS)TIMBERWOLF = I trust you (fjdsklgdjsjgkljKLFSJKLGJKLSKJLFKJLDJKLFKJLSJKLDFJKLGJKLDGKJLGDJKLGDJKLGJKLDJGKLKJLDKJL)FALLOW = I want to run through the Northern wilderness barefoot with you (running off with kiley to northern wilderness, jsut us under the stars, we cuddl and enjoy watching them---- i fall out of my chair as m y brain goes on)

PLUM = I’d like to chat with you (PLEASE)TANGERINE = I love your aesthetic (i lov urs too)SAGE = You make me cry  (i know :((((( i blame it on the fact im pretty go-with-the-flow with rps on ponytown)

CRIMSON = We should collaborate on something!  (YES WE SHOULD KIELEY YES EUWKJDKJS JERY ES YE SY EYSYEY EYSYY EYSYYSY EY YEYEYEYYEY EYYYES)))

CHARTREUSE = You’re my homie  (Y E)S))

KLSFJLFJSHUIWUJKU*@(EIOWUDS)*(F*UIOJK@LEHNDW*(SUOIJFKSH kiley did you know i love you? did you? know i lvoe you? so much? kJDSHU@JEIOKLWQJIDS*OFIjkldgm,skjhuDJSKFmd,gjkDJSKFLjk;lgdksl:LKSDF:LKL:JFSKLjklfdjklsjgkljsdklgjkls mlko im about to cry jkdsglskdamjli3r8utgijokls 

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

  i didnt get to sleep at all... and im going to be too exhausted to work during my library slot. like yesterday- it was getting 2 tht point where i jsut could not focus. i was so, so drained tht i jsut started getting too tired to keep my eyes open, nevermind work.  and i also jsut.. couldnt do anything all night, either ... bc i spent it trying to sleep - and failing to sleep - and  im  already so fucking spacey from the sleep deprivation/disruption ... and so i just start bawling any time i try to do anythin bc like... even just making fucking notes? god, its just like trying to fucking grasp fistfuls of water, babes......  and im just so fuckin tired.

and i just feel so fucking useless bc i do nothing. ive done nothing. ive done nothin for years . like, i jsut cant muster it- and yet im getting more tired every day, man, and everythin just gets so much worse and so much further away... and idk.  i was a lost cause to begin with: i hated my life, and wanted to die so much already; i felt alone, and a failure already. and i just.. the constant downwards spiral over years man.. i keep thinkin “this is the bottom; at least it cant get any worse” but even tht is just... such an empty comfort, bc it does. every time i think “i hate myself, but at least im self-aware” it gets re-contextualised and i jsut rot more and fucking end up being blindsided and have a breakdown . the only development theres ever been is just more failure, more loss, more fucking wishing and regretting and praying that a fucking truck will hit me and god!!!!!

like. i just feel so empty . i cant take it, girls. i just feel so fuckin empty. im working towards nothing and i feel like nothing and i just want to fuckin die man. i dont want to do this. but i dont want 2 do anything. nothings right and theres just nowhere to go and nothing to do and there hasnt been anything to be happy about for years. i hate... tht my existence is nothing and i jsut. i dont know everyone keeps telling me tht everyones lost at this age; that everyone feels like this. but i just feel so much worse bc it jsut.... everyone else stil seems to have something- or have HAD something- and i just feel so much more useless, so much more inadequate for not being capable of anything whatsoever . bc its not like ijust.. dont know wht to do man its jsut. i feel like im fucking no one at this point. my brains fucking shutting down and im just really scared because half the time i cant put thoughts together any more .

like i feel like .. even others strugglin... even if they cant always msuter it, theyve at least had a passion for something in their life and i dont know. i jsut feel like fucking nothing. all the shit ive done in the past, i just feel like i did it.. to try and be someone im not bc i jsut cant be anyhting myself... like i just cant fuckin care and i dont know wht to do man. and its not a recent thing its an always thing its just... wearing my down so fuckin much man... like  i used to draw for example, but i jsust... i feel like ive never been happy iwth anhy of it. ive actually just outright loathed everything i did. not even just bc of my own absolute lack of technical skill, but just... i just feel like the entire time i was just trying to be someone who was passionate and good at something but the truth is i jsut.. i dont care man.  ive spent hours doin tht, trying to prove something to myself, only to rip up the sketchbook. throw it out. try to feel like it matters. it doesnt at all and i ahte myself . i dont care abt my degree either. i dont want to be anything and i dont even want a life man. i dont know why im still here, when its jsut miserable and bankrupt of everything and i jsut... i think abt all the ppl on my course who are good at wht they do bc they CARE but i just dont jman. i jsut fucking dont. like it doesnt fuckn help that i suck at it, too, but i just... cant connect with anything and i just...

i just feel liek a failure at being real over and over and over and im so alone . nbc thts the other thing man at least.. other ppl, even then, they still either have someone or have had someone but i just feel like... wherever i go it just doesnt work . i just feel like a shell. and the communciation problems are getting worse but it was always bad, and its never worked out and... i just feel so left out of everything and whatever i do it just never matters. . . and i odnt know ive done everything and ive tried everything and ive been myself and ive been a different person but whatever i do i jsut end up alone and crying bc everyone forgot i existed or i just ghost around the edges of friendship groups , feeling like nothin but a burden !! and at tht point i just rather disappear man ... a  and it just feels like rewatching the same tape over and over again, this fucking horrible inevitability. bc idk i remember bein a kid. real little. and its the same thing . its always the same thing & then i thoughtmaybe i could try and be better btu i just..  i feel so stupid for ever dreaming abt being happy . i really do. bc i remember even just sixth form, despite how miserable i was both irl and online- i thought i could maybe make friends but i jsut fucking cant man... over the yearsthe only difference is it just gets more fruitless every time. i dont even talk to anyone any more, but my flatmates, and they shut me out all the time . i can try rlly hard but it just makes no difference. and instead ive spent months, sometimes, just out of contact with anyone, looking at dark walls and crying bc i jsut .. i cant do anything BUT that. literally nothing BUT tht . i cant .. theres nothing there for me, that doesnt just drive me to tears bc i just feel so useless and pointless and inane. i just cant achieve anything but tht and its just...

i dont know i have nothing i want i have no one to be with i just feel like im existing and the best i can ever muster is just numbing myself and distracting myself until that starts to make it all worse and at tht point what do i do i jsut self-destruct and what does THART achieve absolutely nothing bc its just me screaming and crying by MYSELF until i exhaust myself back to numbness and the cycle continues and it doesnt change any tides, but the world keeps spinning and i keep getting further from everything, but i cant escape, i dont have the strength to or anything to and i dont have anyhting else to work with, or anything else to do and i just.. i really do jsut want to give up, i dont want to be tired and sad all the time, i just want to not exist. i wish i could have never existed . like theres not a single fucking moment i would feel remorse over losing bc its all just been so worthless, and yet ive spent all these years struggling with everything and its just so so so fucking stupid. i sincerely sometimes just feel... hatred man. just hate the shit tht i used to delude myself with , and the reasons i thought i had to hold on bc theyre all so hollowand i just...  i wish my dad really did fucking bash my head in , like i dont .............. h u know wht i mean i just.

it just always feels worse too whenever anyone event ries with me any more bc it just exacerbates everything and jsut makes me feel more broken bc half this shit... they tr y to make something, make some reason but it always just... there’s nothing there, babe! im sorry! im crying very hard, and i wish there was but there IS NOTHING THERE, and these little htings.. its just not enough to sustain any of it and im sorry. im so fucking sorry but i cant do it ny more i cant live another 20 years  with nothing but the promises that ur worth it! <3 bc wow, sometimes u give up ur seat for ppl on the bus and tht makes their day! the little things you do make people happy, and YAAY THATS ENOUGH.  like i feel so fucking horrible , and i dont wnt to be negative , and i dont wnt to ruin it for everyone . but every tim e someone sincerely approaches me with sth like tht i just feel like breakin down bc i cant man. im sorry i cant but i cant i cant i cant take this i cant take any of this i sincerely cant fucking take everythng and how much it hurts and how scared i am and how miserable i am and everything for tghat and its the same it goes the same with everything, with all the recited, stock positivity messgs and i feel horrible i jsut feel worse every time bc i just feel like its such a waste of fucking energy bc it makes me feel worse and it just. it doesnt matter none of it matters babe and none of it even makes sense and its so patronising and degrading half the time to be just told tht but i KNOW i know damn well it jsut. okay im getting incomprehensible i think im jsut. god i just feel  so sick and guilty but i jsut cant take it i just cant take it hearing it all the time  and seeing it all the time when ... its just tht and then i jsut.. spend hours empty and alone and crying and screaming and fucking hitting my head off of thigns bc i  cant cope with being alive and its sending me sdigpdsgjds0j but ... no one has an actual sincere answer tht GIVES  a reason, that makes sense within the contet, but there isnt one! there just fucking isnt one! everyrthing just makes my brainrot like tht bc there just ISNT anything tht will make me happy, that will alleviate any of the distress bc if there was i could use it,but i cant its just hopeless andc podvjpdsgdsgpjgdsp YOU KNOW. WHT I MEAN i jsut. cant.............. i cant i cant i cant and i jsut. i try but it just. its nothing i dont know why . i wish it mattered when i gave everything but its just never enough its never ever enough at the end of the day i just end up crying and sad and alone no matter what and i just. keep having these flash panics even when im stagnant where i jsut start to fucking collapse in on myself bc i  dont know wher ei am or what im doing and i jsut. i dont know man

[nocteverbascio]

what are your intentions (6/10) - rated m

Pairing: Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane Summary:  It was a fun to push each other’s buttons because it not only brought out the best in one another. Both women met their match in one another. Only now, things have changed. And Alex is pissed. A/N: when kara tries to help it jsut makes alex feel worse

ao3 link

“We’re going to fix this Alex,” Kara says with her eyes burning with determination.

Alex digs into the strawberry shortcake ice cream sadly. She’s curled up on her couch with a pillow against her chest as Kara paces in front of her with a white board.

She’s been wallowing and brooding all week.

Alex knows Kara’s picked up on it because of how often she’s been present. Kara has always been good at cheering people up. She’s always full of energy and determination. She lives life fully and unapologetically. Underneath it all, Alex knows Kara carries a sadness to last a lifetime and maybe that’s why she shines so bright. So that no one has to understand the pain and sadness she’s been through.

It makes Alex feel guiltier as she digs deeper into the pint of ice cream.

She’s been in relationships with people before. But no one has ever mattered as much as Lucy. And when Alex thinks of being with Lucy, it terrifies her to think that anyone could be just as important as Kara.

Alex has done almost everything in her life for Kara. She’s Kara’s big sister, her protector, her best friend, you name it. So maybe, she just wants to wallow a bit more. Maybe ignore her feelings and crawl into a hole forever until they go away. Alex doesn’t know how she broach the conversation that Kara plays a much bigger role in her decision than she thinks.

“Okay! Let’s start,” Kara says with a flourish as she motions to the white board.

It’s titled: Dating Lucy Lane in rainbow colors with a line down the middle. One side subtitled: Pros! With an emoji with heart eyes and the other with CONS and an angry frowning emoji.

“Do we need to do this?” Alex complains as she stuffs her mouth full of ice cream. She regrets it as the brain freeze settles in.

Kara frowns as she snatches the pint of ice cream from her sister. “Yes,” she insists. “We have to do this. I’m trying to understand how you feel about her so we can fix this.”

“There’s nothing to fix, Kara,” Alex says with resignation in her voice.

Kara gives her a disapproving look. “Alex, if there was nothing to fix, your feelings wouldn’t be so hurt right now.”

Alex rolls her eyes and shrugs like it isn’t a big deal.

“Come on, let’s start with cons to get that out of the way,” Kara goes on. “I promise this is going to help.”

Alex stares at her sister. Kara’s blue eyes full of hope and promise. She can’t say no to her at all. “Fine,” she huffs. Entertaining her sister wouldn’t be such a bad idea. At least she finally has someone to talk to, even if she doesn’t want to talk.

“Cons!” Kara pops open the marker with a flourish.

Alex thinks about it for a moment. What about Lucy doesn’t she like?

After a moment, she says, “Her dad.”

“Huh,” Kara agrees as she puts Sam Lane on the list with a frowny face. “What else?”

“She dated your current boyfriend.”

“I knew dating James would make this weird!” Kara says as she writes James down. “Alright, what else?”

You. Alex shuts her mouth instantly. No, she shoves another scoop of ice cream in her mouth to shut herself up. There’s guilty creeping up her spine like vines, sinking into her predatorily but not quite vicious. She knows it’s only her mind playing tricks on her but Alex has lived with this far too long to be anything but reality.

Alex is the protector. She maintains order. She is the leader. If she fails at any of those that means failing her family. The most important family she has is Kara.

Kara is staring at the board thoughtfully before she realizes that Alex hasn’t responded. She turns to her sister with a curious look. “What’s wrong?” It isn’t hard for Kara to read Alex’s emotions.

Alex projects them so well without even realizing it. Whatever she’s holding onto is evident on her face even as she shoves ice cream into it.

“It’s nothing,” Alex answers as she clears her throat. She tries to put a brave front.

Kara gives her a skeptical look as she sinks down next to Alex. She peels the pint of ice cream from Alex’s fingers. “Talk to me,” she pleads. “I hate to say this, but I feel like you’ve been hiding this from me on purpose.”

Alex furrows her brows in confusion. “No, no,” she tries lying. “Lucy and I weren’t serious. It’s hardly something I would want to bring up to you.”

Kara drops her shoulders, trying to level with Alex. “You weren’t serious, but it’s kind of clear you want to be something more. You can be something serious with Lucy. I’m sure she wants the same thing with you because she doesn’t seem like the type to do things halfway.”

“She isn’t,” Alex agrees ruefully. She can’t help the smile that creeps at the corner of her lips as she thinks of Lucy. Yet, the cold thoughts whispering her reminders of who she is suppresses the smile. Alex tightens her jaw as she shakes her head. “We really shouldn’t do this Kara.”

“Alex, no,” Kara says quickly as she grabs onto her sister’s hands. “Don’t shut me out. Please. I want you to be happy.”

“I know,” Alex throws back more defensively than she intends. She feels even worse at the stunned look on Kara’s face. “I’m sorry. I know you want me to be happy but Kara, there’s something that you need to understand. Maybe I’m not cut out for this relationship stuff.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is Kara. I don’t think there’s ever someone that’s stuck around long enough for me to want to feel close to.”

“That’s because they weren’t the right person. They weren’t willing to put in the work for you. Lucy isn’t like that. Lucy is--”

“Lucy is so much more than I expected,” Alex admits, feeling the tug in her heart. “But I can’t be that person for her.”

“Why? Why do you keep saying that?” Kara shoots back. There’s a sad frustration in her voice as she pleads with Alex. “Why do you think that you can’t be with Lucy? You’re smart, beautiful, and amazing. You guys are eerily perfect for each other.”

Alex pinches the bridge of her nose. “I can’t, Kara. I just can’t.”

“Alex, you can. You can be with her and you deserve to be with her,” Kara encourages earnestly. She stares at Alex so hopefully and honestly that it hurts to stare at her.

Alex hates this feeling that wrenches inside of her chest. She can see the heartbreak that Kara feels for her. She’s her older sister and here Kara was doing so much for her. She is supposed to be Kara’s rock, always. Undoubtedly, Alex would always be there to protect and make sure that Kara was the one that was happy. No matter what the sacrifices were, Alex was willing to make them.

Yet, Alex doesn’t know which one is worse. How much it hurts to not be with Lucy or how guilty she feels if she was going to be with Lucy.

“Please, tell me what’s wrong Alex,” Kara begs at this point. She’s already staring at Alex with her puppy eyes. “Please.”

Alex cups Kara’s cheek gently in her hand. Kara holds her hand over Alex’s as she waits patiently for her. Her voice comes out coarse as she speaks softly, regretfully, “You don’t understand, Kara, I do want to be with Lucy.” Kara opens her mouth when Alex shakes her head. “But I can’t be with her because it makes me feel guilty.”

Alex shudders as she forges on, Kara patiently listening. “Everytime that I want something for myself I just feel like I am being selfish. Whenever I’m selfish things always, always go wrong. And I can’t stand the idea that every time I go for something that I want, there’s this dreadful ending waiting for me to reach.”

“This isn’t the same though…”

Alex feels the tears well in her eyes as her emotions continue to pour into her. “It isn’t. It’s worse because I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything so much. The more I want something, the worse it’s going to be.” She thinks of Lucy and all that she wants them to be. It starts to overwhelm her. “When I think of Lucy--when I think of being with her, it feels so vivid, so visceral, that I can’t remember a time where I’ve ever felt like this. It-it feels like I need her and it’s mortifying because I shouldn’t need anyone as much as I feel like I need her.”

Kara throws her arms around her sister’s shoulders and pulls her in closely as the tears threaten to fall. Alex shudders as holds onto Kara tightly. “It’s okay to need someone from time to time,” Kara comforts as she rubs Alex’s back. “We can’t always do everything on our own. No matter who we are. Look at me, I need you.”

Alex holds onto her sister even tighter. She buries her face into Kara’s strong shoulder, trying to be that strength Kara needs. “I know you do. And I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always be your big sister and your protector.”

“I know that,” Kara says so easily. “But I don’t need you all the time.”

“You don’t know that,” Alex lets out unconsciously.

Kara lessens her hold over Alex slowly before peeling herself away. She stares at Alex curiously, trying to see her sister eye to eye. “Do you feel this way because of me?” she asks carefully.

The look on Alex’s face seems to say it all. Alex can’t help herself as she stares guiltily at her sister. It’s why she wanted to avoid this conversation in the first place.

“Alex, come on,” Kara throws out incredulously. “Do you think that if you were selfish, something bad would happen to me? Or us?”

Alex feels her heart tighten. “I don’t want to feel like I’m abandoning you.”

“No,” Kara suddenly declares. “How could you think that? You’ve never abandoned me ever. I know that.” She sits up straighter as she stares at Alex with passion in her eyes. They shine similar to Alex’s tear filled eyes. “You’ve given me so much more than I could ever ask for since landing here on Earth. You have been my rock, my heart. You are my person, Alex. Just because you take care of me all of the time doesn’t mean that you have to. We are family. We take care of each other.”

The gravity of Kara’s words cut through Alex’s reservations. She feels the dam break and the tears fall freely as she reaches for Kara.

Kara holds Alex once more, feeling her sister rely just a bit more on her. “It’s okay, Alex. We’re not kids anymore. You don’t always have to protect me. Let me protect you for once.”

Alex shudders through her tears as she feels herself relax against Kara.

“Besides, I know that Lucy loves me too, so she’d probably kick your ass if you abandoned me,” Kara tries as she shakes her sister.

Alex actually laughs at this. “She would,” Alex agrees with an uncontrollable smile on her face. She can just imagine Lucy giving her that look whenever Alex does something wrong on mission.

Kara smiles brightly as she stares at Alex. “I really want you to be happy, you know that right?” Alex sheepishly nods in agreement because fighting it doesn’t make it any less true. “Does Lucy make you happy?”

Alex takes a deep breath. “She makes me feel so much more than that.”

Kara beams. “Then, we’re going to make sure you get your girl.”

[theworldsoul]

I just want it to be okay.

I want to look at my life and at the world and feel okay.

I don't feel okay. I feel violently fucking sick.

I'm sick of whispering the same prayer a million times over, I'm sick of being stuck making the same mistakes and crying for the same reasons. Where is my rebirth? Was it only an illusion that I finally got better?

Yeah, I guess it was. And I thought I fixed myself. What a fucking joke, here I am covered in blood... yeah, healed.

But I mean... it's hard to heal when the system punishes you for self harm. Literally. They call your parents, the cops, etc.

Are you going to admit you're still in pain when faced with only punishment? OF COURSE NOT.

Man, they're not good at healing people but theyre REALLY GOOD at making people shut up.

I'm sick of looking back and crying because fuck, it wasnt fixed soon enough and now I have to live with the impacts of that. Man, you were fucking assholes and I have to live with the impacts of that and man, nobody really treated me like a human being and now... look at me. So human it's wrong. So vulnerable its shameful and you hate me and WHY??? Why. Yknow that's like one of the only things I've ever needed or wanted, was your love, and you decided no, fuck no, I'm not gonna love me child. Fuck that little bitch.

So here I am. You aren't allowed to be ANGRY at me over my self harm after what you did to me, like... you are the reaosn for this. Well... partly.

Christ.

I hate this world, you know that? I dont want to do this anymore. I don't want to wake up and go to school and cry because I suck and then come home and cry because I suck and then eat and cry because I SUCK and then go to bed crying because i REALLY FUCKING SUCK like this isnt life! This isnt life. Its... pain. I dont want to do this anymore. It's not fucking worth it, it's not, and I'm screaming right now but nobody will help me and I'm screaming right now but it's my choice.

It's my decision to make. Why wont I do it???

Because I am... because i am ian. Because I still have hope... because I'm hardworking and I'm passionate and i dont give up.

Because I am a coward.

That doesn't stop me from tasting it. From just trying a sip of what it might feel like. And now I have bigger scars than ever before. I wonder why??? Maybe it's because my hope is misguided. Maybe my hope is forced because I dont want to face the truth: this sucks and its NOT GOING TO GET BETTER.

IVE BEEN SAYING IT FOR YEARS NOW!! I've been telling myself that it would get better for... most of my life now. But its never actually gotten significantly better...

And there not a single person on this planet who CARES either. I'm screaming. I'm literally screaming and I know nobody will care until I'm dead or super sick or something... god. I wish they could see it. I wish you could look at me and tell.

I wish that I wasnt so good at hiding it.

But also, I wish that I didnt HAVE to hide it. Because the only reason i havent asked for help is... whenever I do, I never get it. All i get is anger. Anger... and a huge invasion of privacy. Anger and "roll up your sleeves".

Anger and... once, sadness. I cant stand that.

So, I'll never get what I need. I'm kinda doomed to heal myself. But I'm NOT CAPABLE OF IT!!!! I admit it: I cant do it. As long as I am left alone, I will remain a child. As long as I am left alone, as long as their negligence affects me.... I will continue hurting.

Honestly, even when they are nice I cant trust them. I'm scared. I construct these fantasies in my brain where I'm allowed to show these parts of me that are so... hidden.... where I don't have to be afraid. Where I'm, I dont know, cared about.

And I just... I hate this. I want the fantasy to be real so badly. That's where I should be. It's not fucking fair man, it's not. Everyone else is 15 so why cant I be? Because I'm alone. I can only parent myself so much.

Maybe I'm not... all those things they say. Hardworking, optimistic, whatever. Maybe I'm just fucking tired. Maybe I jsut want to give up. Maybe... maybe it's not worth it anymore. Maybe it's not worth being alive anymore. Do you have any IDEA how much it hurts???

And I thought I was better. I thought i had managed to heal myself. Nope! I guess not.

When will it be OVER?????