#is it jsut my brain hating the feeling so passionately?

[insomnianoctem]

Playing the deadly game of: is this shirt a scam or does my body just hate the fabric?

[knightofameris]

can i get a hq matchup? preferably with a guy? i’m an INFP, and i’m a slytherin. I have ADHD, Depression, and Anxiety. I’m quiet around strangers, but once i’m next to people i know, i’m really loud. i’m stubborn, witty, loyal, passionate, persistent, protective, and i tend to speak before i think. i have trust issues, but i tend to jump into battles for anyone i like. I like to draw, sing, write, and play games. I self deprecate a lot and i have a dark sense of humour. I like horror movies and

i have a fascination with crime(mainly serial killers). I’m very self-conscious, but when i’m excited, i tend to throw that away until i calm down. I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which means that whenever i get a negative reaction to something i become very distressed. I’m not a very active person, but if it’s an activity i like, i’ll try to do it often. i tend to procrastinate a lot. I’m very much a perfectionist, and i’ll push myself until i break down. I like to put my friends before myself, taking all of their problems and trying to solve them. I don’t hesitate to fight for my friends either. I also tend to tease said friends, sometimes going overboard. i’m very much emotionally controlled, it doesn’t take much to get me upset/angry. When i do get upset i start to physically shake, and i tend to cry. I like quiet, and i’m terrified of crowds, vomit, and being alone. I’m very much touch-starved, but i’m awkward with affection and don’t know how to show it. thank you so much

match ups are closed! check match up statuses on my pinned post because they’ll change! (in the mean time, my 500 event is open for self ships in Haikyuu!)

HIII THANK YOU FOR WAITING FOR SO LONG 

so let’s just get to it, thank you for requesting btw!

I think I have to ship you with Noya :3c

Why I think you work well together!

Okay, for one thing, I think Noya is someone who may not fully understand things, but he will do his best to support you in any way he can. I’m also INFP/ENFP and like I can see myself with Noya and mayhaps I’m projecting a bit so I can see you with Noya LOL. I think Noya is also someone who’s rather patient? Kinda? Like to get to know you and to get you to trust him. He’s jsut a very open baby and wants to get to know you and because of that he’ll wait till whenever you’re comfortable. ALSO NOYA I FEEL LIKE IS TOUCHY. So he might give you hugs or jump on you or wahtever because !!!! he hyper baby. I like the idea of the two of you both hating doing work but you guys both somehow motivate each other to do so. And if you ever need a hypeman for like being more active he’s your guy! He’ll also make sure you’re taking care of yourself too because he knows how much it’s actually detrimental when it comes to trying to push yourself. Noya’s also easy to tease and he’ll take it. If he notices that you’re offput by anything, he’ll try his best to help you out. Even if he’s not the best at reading people’s emotions. 

How you get together!

I like to think you guys have been classmates for however long

somehow being put in the same class every year

and thorugh all the different schools you guys would go to after graduating from primary to middle to high

so you guys know each other KINDA

i don’t think you guys really get to know each other till high school?

because this time around you guys are sitting next to each other!

and you’re both strugglign to get started on the work

lucky for noya you’re a perfectionist, despite being a procrastinator (honestly big same lol)

so being big brain

you guys do work together

homework and otherwise

you vaguely knew him, he’s loud, wants a girlfriend, friend’s with tanaka and supposedly a really good libero with tanaka

you guys become pretty good study buddies

but on one of the nights

you fund that you’re kinda bored

and you both actually got ahead in work

so y’all ended up watching movies

then played some video games

and so a sorta tradition came by where once a week you and noya would just chill

no work

no volleyball

just hang out!

tanaka got jealous lol cus noya got to hang out one-on-one with YOU! tanka thought they were date nights 

but i like to think this got y’all to develop feelings eventually

friends to lovers yknow but it was hard cus

you didn’t really let him in but he didn’t mind, even if you did like him

he’d wait

and he liked being friends with you because as long as you were happy its fine

plus you saw how he was with kiyoko lmao 

but maybe there was one night

a night where you guys weren’t doing anything

for once the night was calm and maybe you did open up that night

but either way noya says somethng to you that kinda just sticks

“however long it takes, i’ll support you no matter what! even if we’re on separate sides of the world”

[theworldsoul]

Sorry guys, I'm gonna vent Again, so if you don't want to read it just feel free to skip this post

Okay so basically we have a Gecko. Don't ask, that's another story for another time. My dad has grown fond of it, and I used to think he was cool until a specific day. On that say I fed him worms with a tweezer. When I picked them up, I could PHYSICALLY FEEL THEIR PAIN. I dont really know what happened there, but I physically felt their pain and i squeezed them. My dad said, "squeeze harder, do it by the head", and i tried it and i felt a jolt of pain... I told myself "you are just imagining the pain, its okay" but then when I looked back at the worm, squirming and struggling... I connected some dots in my brain and this hard realization came upon me, that I was causing this poor creature pain. I began to cry and my dad had to feed the gecko that day. Ever since then I havent interacted with the gecko because every time I do it freaks me out a bit. I dont really understand what happened that time but I want to forget about it before I go near the gecko again. I've been trying to get closer to him but I always freak out.

So today I was on my computer, right? Drinking a tea. Trying to feel peaceful. Then all of a sudden my dad is there, all happy with the gecko, and I go "oh hi!!!" Because I am under the impression that the gecko will stay ON HIS HAND. Of course I'm wrong. My dad encourages him to go onto the table to see me. I EXPECT the gecko to walk onto the table and towards me, but TO MY SURPRSISE, the gecko basically jumpscares me by suddenly jumping from his hand onto and nearby watterbottle. I jump a bit, startled, and I spill tea all over my computer, the table, and my sleeve. As I'm processing what happened I'm overtaken by fear and I begin to cry.

Of course I'm fine and I'm just overreacting, but I was scared. I wasnt hurt, my computer mousepad barely works now but I wasnt hurt. So why was I so scared of a little gecko? I dont know. So I'm crying and trying to clean up the mess of tea everywhere and my dad is mad at me for spilling my tea and he asks why I did that and I tell him that I was scared since it jumped so suddenly, yknow I wasnt expecting it. I dont remeber his exact words but it was soemthing about me being 15, like "oh well since you're 15 now you should grow the fuck up" basically. Then he left. Like???? I am literally trying to get my breathing back to a normal pace because I'm SCARED, I was just JUMPSCARED, and you get MAD AT ME??? YOUR CHILD IS FUCKING SCARED AND YOU JUST LEAVE THEM?? the whole time I was cleaning I could hear him in the other room talking to the gecko, all carefree and happy... while I did my best not to cry. Damn okay. It almost made me feel like I was below human.

Usually this wouldnt be such a big fucking deal, but I'm an emotional person. And also I notice that,,, whenever my sister is scared they lunge at the chance to help her feel safe again. It's like they hate me specifically.

I know I'm making a big deal out of something that is really not a big deal. Really all that happened was a little gecko jumped and I got scared. I'm overdoing it. But that's just how I am now. I really don't want to believe that I'm broken or anything, but fuck i think i genuinely am messed up if stupid shit like this makes me freak out... reminder that this all began with EMPATHIZING WITH A FUCKING MEALWORM. I'm jsut so fucking broken. And in the moments I was left alone to console myself as quietly as possible so as not to make anyone angry, I felt my body become possessed with another soul.

This happens sometimes, where I will sorta have the mindset of a child. I force it sometimes to cope, but other times it happens on it's own whenever I feel unloved or otherwise bad like this. I'm not too sure if this is a normal thing. But I describe it as possession. The fact that that event made me get possessed is kinda a big deal. Usually that only happens at REALLY BAD THINGS.

But this wasn't really bad... I'm just being sensitive and overdoing it.

Honestly my parents are right... I really do need to grow up. But I think I have something wrong with me, with my brain, because there are just so many things about this story that are so... wrong. Like, what sort of person freaks out and cries for an hour because they got jumpscared? What sort of person then has their body SWITCH SOULS because they feel like their parents dont love them? WHAT SORT OF PERSON EMPATHIZES WITH A WORM??? it's all so weird. Like, who knows, maybe my parents arent that bad, maybe I'm just like... weird. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm making such a big deal out of it... but I cant help it. That's just my emotions.

Shit, I should really get a therapist. All the ones I've been to so far tell me my emotional reactions are totally normal but THIS DOESNT SEEM FUCKING NORMAL TO ME. I've overreacted to shit my whole life. It's not. Helpful.

On another note, I notice that my crying doesnt induce a "concern" reaction in my father. It induces an "anger" reaction. They arent bad people, I just... I'm beginning to think they really fucking hate me.

They have all the reaosn to, but a lot of those reasons are things that couldve been fixed early on if the adults around me cared about my feelings enough to try to sort them out. It's been fifteen years and now I'm fucked up. Irreversible. Just. So.. so fuckinf damaged. I dont think I'll ever be normal. And I hate ft. But it cant happen.

Soemtimes I think it was a bad idea to choose to live after the party. It was the perfect time to die and I told myself no, dont do it. It was... perfect. Calling to me. I think it was my destiny to die that day. I think that now I am cursed since I dodged my destiny.

I try not to think that way. I tell myself that I am going to change so much. I tell myself that my passion will be my strength. But the way my life is going, it really doesnt feel like I will become anything good.

I'm failing my classes. They KNOW about my soul shifting. I cry too much. All I ever do is draw STUPID FUCKING DRAWINGS and play STUPID FUCKING MUSIC and play fashion designer in my room stitching things up... fucking hell. They're right to hate me. I'm a failure. But they're also wrong to hate me. A lot of the things they dont like about me are things that are THEIR FAULT.

Man, I dont even know what to think anymore. All I really ever wanted was their love. But it's impossible for me to get it now, so I should just forget about it. I cant though. It plagues me. The thought that they hate me. It hurts me. And when its confirmed to me... i'm sorry. All I ever do is complain about the most mundane bullshit ever. My parents are proabbly actually good people I'm just overdoing it because I'm I'm proabbly mentally ill or soemthing. And I'm a failure anyways so I cant fucking blame them for not liking me that much anwyays. God, fifteen is very old. And I'm a boy. I hate to say it but they're right. Fuck, they're right. I cant be crying... I'm so oversensitive. But wait, why am I trying so hard to justify their ideas? ITS BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY CONDEMNING THEIR ACTIONS. WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY. goddamn it...

I dont know how I'm gonna fix this though. I kinda wish my parents would treat me with the softness that I NEED, that my mind NEEDS and has needed for a while now, but I know that wont happen and really I'm just this overgrown child thing and oh fuck I wonder who's fault that is??? Cos it isn't all on me. Oh shit, now I'm scared. If I get a bad mark on my test my parents will freak out. I think I'm going to cry again. Fuck man, I try my hardest, it's just I'm literally defective. I cant do any better. I've been set up to fail anyways. Fuck. I just... I dont know, I wish things were different.

This is stupid and I'm being stupid and freaking out over one little thing. Fuck.

[quackspot]

so pretty much. black green blue teal red white scarlet maroon periwinkle mauve blush vermilion honeydew lavender coral umber razzmatazz arsenic wine saffron timberwolf fallow plum tangerine sage crimsom chartreuse (everything good.)

ok, crakcs knuckles,

BLACK = I would date you. (u already know i woudl to)GREEN = I think you’re cute. (I KNOW YOU’RE CUTE)BLUE = You are my tumblr crush. (same)

TEAL = We have a lot in common. (yes)

RED = I hate you with a burning passion. (SUHFRJKWLK you also love me, i knwo that,)WHITE = You scare me. (i, too, know that. uwo)

SCARLET = You have influenced my decision/thoughts on something. (Eyes Emoji)MAROON = You taught me something new. (EYes EmOjI)

PERIWINKLE = You make me laugh (DSUHJKWRLKSFJKLDJLKJWEIO@WKJSLFIODJKLALDFIFJSKLDLKJFSKLFJKLJFSKLJFKLSFJKLJKLFSJFLKSJLJ god i’d lov to hear u laugh someday liek that’d be an epic gamer win)MAUVE = You are really talented (u r too shdfusjkgmsd)

BLUSH = Seeing you on my dash makes my day a little better. (getting dms from u make me realy happy sometimese liekekjOIDSFKLM)

VERMILION = You make me feel passionate (EWIJOE@OWDSKLMKFOSLDMOKLamkjoidKFSLFJNHFOISKJLASJKLJDKLFL:k;lfkL:KF:LS)HONEYDEW = I want to call you by a nickname (we coudl discuss nicknames in dms i’d love to call u a nickname too. i will refrain from calling u bible. that’s too DIRTY......)

LAVENDER = You inspire me (RWLJSFJKLJKLWJILWFKLSFJKL)CORAL = You’re a meme (yeah)UMBER = I want to know more about you (same)

RAZZMATAZZ = I would share my favorite food with you (i wish i could say the same for you but im Very protective about my favorite foods... tho my brain suggests the idea of feeding u grapes so i GUESS i MIGHT........)ARSENIC = I don’t know how to describe the way I feel about you (SJFSJKFLJLKJFLKSJKLFJKLSFJKLJKLSLJKJKL SAME)WINE = You make me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class  (when i saw this one it made me go o//O//o bc dsakjfdlj same)

SAFFRON = I love your ideas (I LOVE YOURS)TIMBERWOLF = I trust you (fjdsklgdjsjgkljKLFSJKLGJKLSKJLFKJLDJKLFKJLSJKLDFJKLGJKLDGKJLGDJKLGDJKLGJKLDJGKLKJLDKJL)FALLOW = I want to run through the Northern wilderness barefoot with you (running off with kiley to northern wilderness, jsut us under the stars, we cuddl and enjoy watching them---- i fall out of my chair as m y brain goes on)

PLUM = I’d like to chat with you (PLEASE)TANGERINE = I love your aesthetic (i lov urs too)SAGE = You make me cry  (i know :((((( i blame it on the fact im pretty go-with-the-flow with rps on ponytown)

CRIMSON = We should collaborate on something!  (YES WE SHOULD KIELEY YES EUWKJDKJS JERY ES YE SY EYSYEY EYSYY EYSYYSY EY YEYEYEYYEY EYYYES)))

CHARTREUSE = You’re my homie  (Y E)S))

KLSFJLFJSHUIWUJKU*@(EIOWUDS)*(F*UIOJK@LEHNDW*(SUOIJFKSH kiley did you know i love you? did you? know i lvoe you? so much? kJDSHU@JEIOKLWQJIDS*OFIjkldgm,skjhuDJSKFmd,gjkDJSKFLjk;lgdksl:LKSDF:LKL:JFSKLjklfdjklsjgkljsdklgjkls mlko im about to cry jkdsglskdamjli3r8utgijokls 

[nocteverbascio]

what are your intentions (6/10) - rated m

Pairing: Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane Summary:  It was a fun to push each other’s buttons because it not only brought out the best in one another. Both women met their match in one another. Only now, things have changed. And Alex is pissed. A/N: when kara tries to help it jsut makes alex feel worse

ao3 link

“We’re going to fix this Alex,” Kara says with her eyes burning with determination.

Alex digs into the strawberry shortcake ice cream sadly. She’s curled up on her couch with a pillow against her chest as Kara paces in front of her with a white board.

She’s been wallowing and brooding all week.

Alex knows Kara’s picked up on it because of how often she’s been present. Kara has always been good at cheering people up. She’s always full of energy and determination. She lives life fully and unapologetically. Underneath it all, Alex knows Kara carries a sadness to last a lifetime and maybe that’s why she shines so bright. So that no one has to understand the pain and sadness she’s been through.

It makes Alex feel guiltier as she digs deeper into the pint of ice cream.

She’s been in relationships with people before. But no one has ever mattered as much as Lucy. And when Alex thinks of being with Lucy, it terrifies her to think that anyone could be just as important as Kara.

Alex has done almost everything in her life for Kara. She’s Kara’s big sister, her protector, her best friend, you name it. So maybe, she just wants to wallow a bit more. Maybe ignore her feelings and crawl into a hole forever until they go away. Alex doesn’t know how she broach the conversation that Kara plays a much bigger role in her decision than she thinks.

“Okay! Let’s start,” Kara says with a flourish as she motions to the white board.

It’s titled: Dating Lucy Lane in rainbow colors with a line down the middle. One side subtitled: Pros! With an emoji with heart eyes and the other with CONS and an angry frowning emoji.

“Do we need to do this?” Alex complains as she stuffs her mouth full of ice cream. She regrets it as the brain freeze settles in.

Kara frowns as she snatches the pint of ice cream from her sister. “Yes,” she insists. “We have to do this. I’m trying to understand how you feel about her so we can fix this.”

“There’s nothing to fix, Kara,” Alex says with resignation in her voice.

Kara gives her a disapproving look. “Alex, if there was nothing to fix, your feelings wouldn’t be so hurt right now.”

Alex rolls her eyes and shrugs like it isn’t a big deal.

“Come on, let’s start with cons to get that out of the way,” Kara goes on. “I promise this is going to help.”

Alex stares at her sister. Kara’s blue eyes full of hope and promise. She can’t say no to her at all. “Fine,” she huffs. Entertaining her sister wouldn’t be such a bad idea. At least she finally has someone to talk to, even if she doesn’t want to talk.

“Cons!” Kara pops open the marker with a flourish.

Alex thinks about it for a moment. What about Lucy doesn’t she like?

After a moment, she says, “Her dad.”

“Huh,” Kara agrees as she puts Sam Lane on the list with a frowny face. “What else?”

“She dated your current boyfriend.”

“I knew dating James would make this weird!” Kara says as she writes James down. “Alright, what else?”

You. Alex shuts her mouth instantly. No, she shoves another scoop of ice cream in her mouth to shut herself up. There’s guilty creeping up her spine like vines, sinking into her predatorily but not quite vicious. She knows it’s only her mind playing tricks on her but Alex has lived with this far too long to be anything but reality.

Alex is the protector. She maintains order. She is the leader. If she fails at any of those that means failing her family. The most important family she has is Kara.

Kara is staring at the board thoughtfully before she realizes that Alex hasn’t responded. She turns to her sister with a curious look. “What’s wrong?” It isn’t hard for Kara to read Alex’s emotions.

Alex projects them so well without even realizing it. Whatever she’s holding onto is evident on her face even as she shoves ice cream into it.

“It’s nothing,” Alex answers as she clears her throat. She tries to put a brave front.

Kara gives her a skeptical look as she sinks down next to Alex. She peels the pint of ice cream from Alex’s fingers. “Talk to me,” she pleads. “I hate to say this, but I feel like you’ve been hiding this from me on purpose.”

Alex furrows her brows in confusion. “No, no,” she tries lying. “Lucy and I weren’t serious. It’s hardly something I would want to bring up to you.”

Kara drops her shoulders, trying to level with Alex. “You weren’t serious, but it’s kind of clear you want to be something more. You can be something serious with Lucy. I’m sure she wants the same thing with you because she doesn’t seem like the type to do things halfway.”

“She isn’t,” Alex agrees ruefully. She can’t help the smile that creeps at the corner of her lips as she thinks of Lucy. Yet, the cold thoughts whispering her reminders of who she is suppresses the smile. Alex tightens her jaw as she shakes her head. “We really shouldn’t do this Kara.”

“Alex, no,” Kara says quickly as she grabs onto her sister’s hands. “Don’t shut me out. Please. I want you to be happy.”

“I know,” Alex throws back more defensively than she intends. She feels even worse at the stunned look on Kara’s face. “I’m sorry. I know you want me to be happy but Kara, there’s something that you need to understand. Maybe I’m not cut out for this relationship stuff.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is Kara. I don’t think there’s ever someone that’s stuck around long enough for me to want to feel close to.”

“That’s because they weren’t the right person. They weren’t willing to put in the work for you. Lucy isn’t like that. Lucy is--”

“Lucy is so much more than I expected,” Alex admits, feeling the tug in her heart. “But I can’t be that person for her.”

“Why? Why do you keep saying that?” Kara shoots back. There’s a sad frustration in her voice as she pleads with Alex. “Why do you think that you can’t be with Lucy? You’re smart, beautiful, and amazing. You guys are eerily perfect for each other.”

Alex pinches the bridge of her nose. “I can’t, Kara. I just can’t.”

“Alex, you can. You can be with her and you deserve to be with her,” Kara encourages earnestly. She stares at Alex so hopefully and honestly that it hurts to stare at her.

Alex hates this feeling that wrenches inside of her chest. She can see the heartbreak that Kara feels for her. She’s her older sister and here Kara was doing so much for her. She is supposed to be Kara’s rock, always. Undoubtedly, Alex would always be there to protect and make sure that Kara was the one that was happy. No matter what the sacrifices were, Alex was willing to make them.

Yet, Alex doesn’t know which one is worse. How much it hurts to not be with Lucy or how guilty she feels if she was going to be with Lucy.

“Please, tell me what’s wrong Alex,” Kara begs at this point. She’s already staring at Alex with her puppy eyes. “Please.”

Alex cups Kara’s cheek gently in her hand. Kara holds her hand over Alex’s as she waits patiently for her. Her voice comes out coarse as she speaks softly, regretfully, “You don’t understand, Kara, I do want to be with Lucy.” Kara opens her mouth when Alex shakes her head. “But I can’t be with her because it makes me feel guilty.”

Alex shudders as she forges on, Kara patiently listening. “Everytime that I want something for myself I just feel like I am being selfish. Whenever I’m selfish things always, always go wrong. And I can’t stand the idea that every time I go for something that I want, there’s this dreadful ending waiting for me to reach.”

“This isn’t the same though…”

Alex feels the tears well in her eyes as her emotions continue to pour into her. “It isn’t. It’s worse because I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything so much. The more I want something, the worse it’s going to be.” She thinks of Lucy and all that she wants them to be. It starts to overwhelm her. “When I think of Lucy--when I think of being with her, it feels so vivid, so visceral, that I can’t remember a time where I’ve ever felt like this. It-it feels like I need her and it’s mortifying because I shouldn’t need anyone as much as I feel like I need her.”

Kara throws her arms around her sister’s shoulders and pulls her in closely as the tears threaten to fall. Alex shudders as holds onto Kara tightly. “It’s okay to need someone from time to time,” Kara comforts as she rubs Alex’s back. “We can’t always do everything on our own. No matter who we are. Look at me, I need you.”

Alex holds onto her sister even tighter. She buries her face into Kara’s strong shoulder, trying to be that strength Kara needs. “I know you do. And I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always be your big sister and your protector.”

“I know that,” Kara says so easily. “But I don’t need you all the time.”

“You don’t know that,” Alex lets out unconsciously.

Kara lessens her hold over Alex slowly before peeling herself away. She stares at Alex curiously, trying to see her sister eye to eye. “Do you feel this way because of me?” she asks carefully.

The look on Alex’s face seems to say it all. Alex can’t help herself as she stares guiltily at her sister. It’s why she wanted to avoid this conversation in the first place.

“Alex, come on,” Kara throws out incredulously. “Do you think that if you were selfish, something bad would happen to me? Or us?”

Alex feels her heart tighten. “I don’t want to feel like I’m abandoning you.”

“No,” Kara suddenly declares. “How could you think that? You’ve never abandoned me ever. I know that.” She sits up straighter as she stares at Alex with passion in her eyes. They shine similar to Alex’s tear filled eyes. “You’ve given me so much more than I could ever ask for since landing here on Earth. You have been my rock, my heart. You are my person, Alex. Just because you take care of me all of the time doesn’t mean that you have to. We are family. We take care of each other.”

The gravity of Kara’s words cut through Alex’s reservations. She feels the dam break and the tears fall freely as she reaches for Kara.

Kara holds Alex once more, feeling her sister rely just a bit more on her. “It’s okay, Alex. We’re not kids anymore. You don’t always have to protect me. Let me protect you for once.”

Alex shudders through her tears as she feels herself relax against Kara.

“Besides, I know that Lucy loves me too, so she’d probably kick your ass if you abandoned me,” Kara tries as she shakes her sister.

Alex actually laughs at this. “She would,” Alex agrees with an uncontrollable smile on her face. She can just imagine Lucy giving her that look whenever Alex does something wrong on mission.

Kara smiles brightly as she stares at Alex. “I really want you to be happy, you know that right?” Alex sheepishly nods in agreement because fighting it doesn’t make it any less true. “Does Lucy make you happy?”

Alex takes a deep breath. “She makes me feel so much more than that.”

Kara beams. “Then, we’re going to make sure you get your girl.”

[theworldsoul]

I just want it to be okay.

I want to look at my life and at the world and feel okay.

I don't feel okay. I feel violently fucking sick.

I'm sick of whispering the same prayer a million times over, I'm sick of being stuck making the same mistakes and crying for the same reasons. Where is my rebirth? Was it only an illusion that I finally got better?

Yeah, I guess it was. And I thought I fixed myself. What a fucking joke, here I am covered in blood... yeah, healed.

But I mean... it's hard to heal when the system punishes you for self harm. Literally. They call your parents, the cops, etc.

Are you going to admit you're still in pain when faced with only punishment? OF COURSE NOT.

Man, they're not good at healing people but theyre REALLY GOOD at making people shut up.

I'm sick of looking back and crying because fuck, it wasnt fixed soon enough and now I have to live with the impacts of that. Man, you were fucking assholes and I have to live with the impacts of that and man, nobody really treated me like a human being and now... look at me. So human it's wrong. So vulnerable its shameful and you hate me and WHY??? Why. Yknow that's like one of the only things I've ever needed or wanted, was your love, and you decided no, fuck no, I'm not gonna love me child. Fuck that little bitch.

So here I am. You aren't allowed to be ANGRY at me over my self harm after what you did to me, like... you are the reaosn for this. Well... partly.

Christ.

I hate this world, you know that? I dont want to do this anymore. I don't want to wake up and go to school and cry because I suck and then come home and cry because I suck and then eat and cry because I SUCK and then go to bed crying because i REALLY FUCKING SUCK like this isnt life! This isnt life. Its... pain. I dont want to do this anymore. It's not fucking worth it, it's not, and I'm screaming right now but nobody will help me and I'm screaming right now but it's my choice.

It's my decision to make. Why wont I do it???

Because I am... because i am ian. Because I still have hope... because I'm hardworking and I'm passionate and i dont give up.

Because I am a coward.

That doesn't stop me from tasting it. From just trying a sip of what it might feel like. And now I have bigger scars than ever before. I wonder why??? Maybe it's because my hope is misguided. Maybe my hope is forced because I dont want to face the truth: this sucks and its NOT GOING TO GET BETTER.

IVE BEEN SAYING IT FOR YEARS NOW!! I've been telling myself that it would get better for... most of my life now. But its never actually gotten significantly better...

And there not a single person on this planet who CARES either. I'm screaming. I'm literally screaming and I know nobody will care until I'm dead or super sick or something... god. I wish they could see it. I wish you could look at me and tell.

I wish that I wasnt so good at hiding it.

But also, I wish that I didnt HAVE to hide it. Because the only reason i havent asked for help is... whenever I do, I never get it. All i get is anger. Anger... and a huge invasion of privacy. Anger and "roll up your sleeves".

Anger and... once, sadness. I cant stand that.

So, I'll never get what I need. I'm kinda doomed to heal myself. But I'm NOT CAPABLE OF IT!!!! I admit it: I cant do it. As long as I am left alone, I will remain a child. As long as I am left alone, as long as their negligence affects me.... I will continue hurting.

Honestly, even when they are nice I cant trust them. I'm scared. I construct these fantasies in my brain where I'm allowed to show these parts of me that are so... hidden.... where I don't have to be afraid. Where I'm, I dont know, cared about.

And I just... I hate this. I want the fantasy to be real so badly. That's where I should be. It's not fucking fair man, it's not. Everyone else is 15 so why cant I be? Because I'm alone. I can only parent myself so much.

Maybe I'm not... all those things they say. Hardworking, optimistic, whatever. Maybe I'm just fucking tired. Maybe I jsut want to give up. Maybe... maybe it's not worth it anymore. Maybe it's not worth being alive anymore. Do you have any IDEA how much it hurts???

And I thought I was better. I thought i had managed to heal myself. Nope! I guess not.

When will it be OVER?????