#is it coincidence that the two birds on the wire song starts as soon as i upload this?

[dyinggirldied]

Leaving him behind

Ep. 98 vs Ep. 133

[cruorcrave]

12 December 2024

Today has been kinda weird. Quite uneventful as I haven't left the house except to watch my cat pretend to catch birds (she has never caught a bird).

I actually ate TWO MEALS today 💪 I love food but man, my appetite has just been shot recently. Might be the blood. Go figure.

tw discussing autovampirism/autoc4nn1b4Iism

Speaking of that, I'm starting to really stress out about my health in relation to all this blood I'm having. Obviously losing blood is bad, even if I'm.. recycling it? But my main worry is more so about ingesting it.

Modern humans are, first of all, not meant to eat raw meat, but we're also hard-wired not to eat ourselves and others. That's kind of a big one. Cannibalism or severe self mutilation is known to make people go kind of crazy, or, to happen if someone is already crazy (i.e. starving to death in the mountains, see: Ravenous (1999) starring Guy Pearce and Robert Carlyle). That was partially a joke but speaking seriously, this isn't alright. I don't want to ever get to a point where I am comfortable with what is happening here. Ever. I want to stay disgusted, horrified and freaked out about this. I don't have to worry about that changing any time soon because I am, frankly, freaking out. But I have faith that I can make it through this and that I'm meant to be living the life I'm lucky to have.

I've started getting stomach aches and feeling nauseous. I've still been eating relatively normally, and the food I do eat is mostly pretty nutritious; home-cooked, balanced, etc. It's only been a few days since these symptoms started so it's not much of a cause to worry yet but due to my tendency to experience medical anxiety, I am worrying about it.

My "autovampirism" (that term sounds so silly to me, but I don't know what else to call it) or put simply, my tendency to ingest my own blood, has mostly only caused psychological issues so far. Distress, panic, heightened depression, paranoia, etc. But now I'm starting to feel sick all the time. I don't know if it's a coincidence, psychosomatic, or if it's actually a physical consequence for all this blood I'm ingesting. I don't really think I'm having that much. But then again, any amount is too much.

I won't lie. I am scared. I'm freaking out actually. Royally freaking out. If the symptoms get worse I'll definitely say so here, but right now, here's to praying it's psychosomatic.

Hoo boy okay, uh, right. Today I'm happy that my mother, sister and I have all been getting along pretty well despite the difficulties in life right now, and I'm thankful to have people that read/like/comment on these posts and make me feel a little less like I'm losing my mind. That didn't sound positive. Oops. I swear it was.

Song of the Day: From the Inside - Linkin Park

Clean since 11 December 2024