#is it aesthetic attraction. idfk

[aroace-poly-show]

all it takes is one pretty girl and i’m sent back into my “wait fuck am i actually aroace” crisis

[lav-endermoon]

maybe one day i’ll release the edit i made on my phone of wilbur in the sorry prison video. to the song fame by david bowie. i don’t know what fuckign happened i just blacked out ok

[chronicallyqueercoining2]

Idk if this is already a term, but im going thru a sexuality crisis now. I saw the label tulipian, which means aspec, monospec and mspec all at the same time, so ive been calling myself aroace omnigay for a short while now, but now im thinking, am i even attracted to women? I could be abro, but idk, im a guy and i like other guys, mascs, enbies and masc women, but do i even like masc women anymore? Aesthetically i like masc women, but lately they arent doing it for me ig. Im ok with dating any gender, mostly mascs, but i feel like actually having sex would just be with men and masc enbies. But idfk anymore, opalian could work?? Is there a term for aspec and monospec?

Hmm.. there might be a term, but I couldn't find one, so I'm designing one for you!

Also, you are valid, your identity is yours alone to define, and whatever labels and attraction you use and feel, you are valid and deserve acceptance and support<3 /platonic

Here's the post

[filthforfriends]

On the Kitchen Table

From that Thomas prompt you saw yesterday

ITS DONE BITCHES

Thomas x reader

Word count: 5279

Prompt: "can u imagine the reader and thomas “hating” each other (mainly cause of them wanting to deny the sexual tension and being attracted to one another) so they’re constantly trying to rile each other up until they get into a huge argument over idfk led zeppelin over some other band but it gets really heated and he kisses her"

TW: sex, swearing, angst, conflict

@mywritingonlyfans @damianof @starlettescarlet @cheese-toastie-11 @thomasraggilovebot @mariedeangelis @bjjkko

I doubt that Thomas’s knew how poorly this reflected on your fucking career. No one had an issue with you, absolutely no one, except him. Thomas who wasn’t just Thomas, but was an extremely valuable artist. Famous, profitable, marketable, and actually talented. A rockstar who gave a fuck. He  had the kind of aesthetic you could sell, make a line of clothing from, and have him be the face for. He had an identity on social media which was beloved and totally devoid of controversy, making him a valuable influencer. And it was all genuine. Thomas was ¼ of a band that could push out two platinum albums and two tours in a year, Lauded, beloved, capable, and bullet proof. You had to mitigate all the companies that wanted his signature on a contract, all while lovely little Thomas made your life immeasurably difficult.

“I literally didn’t order this. This is not even remotely what I ordered.” He threw the plastic fork at the container, tipping it over, spilling the contents on the studio floor. Thomas signed like that was your fault too, but at least had the decency to turn back and start picking up the chunks of roasted vegetables. Leo was a good boss, and you had come into this knowing that you'd be doing the grunt work he had a few years ago. So you ran to grab some stain remover for the sake of the studio carpet.

“Back in one sec!”

“Oh yeah, don’t bother helping or anything!” He jeered, just as you ran back into the room with a tub of cleaning supplies you kept in the cabinet right next to the studio entrance. Leo had complained of red wine mishaps during late night writing sessions, so you had been proactive.

“Sorry” you responded automatically, reverting into your customer service voice. You wished you could tell him to fuck off, especially when he rolled his eyes at your apology. “I was getting cleaning supplies so the sauce doesn’t stain the carpet.” You fumbled to put the pieces of yam and squash back in the takeout container so you could just go throw the whole mess in the trash. Your hands kept bumping into Thomas’s as he did the same. It was awkward but you still enjoyed the skin to skin contact way too much, but that was only because you were touched starved.

“Hey, stop, I'll do it. It's my fault I’ll do it!” He said, growing angry as he helped grab chucks of eggplant off the floor. You noticed the thick gold ring on his right hand catching the light. The ring that pulled focus semi-permanently enough to make you think about his fingers in the shower.

“Its okay, this is my job,” you retorted, glaring at his handsome features while he scowled back at you. You tried not to notice the heat from his body or how proximity pulled you. “I’ll clean it, just let me do it.”

“Cleaning is not in your job description , y/n.” Thomas was the only person whose mood was soured by not having to do house work.

“I think I know my role here Thomas, so if you’ll just let me-”

“Stop! Just Stop! Let me do it for fucks sake,” he snapped, raising his voice. You had to focus all your energy on keeping the tears from your eyes. Thomas had truly yelled at you, six inches from your face. The room was quiet in a way that made you realize the other band members had been chattering before. Because this dynamic between her and Thomas was just the norm.

Being yelled at by men was your weak spot, ever since your father did it when you would make the tiniest mistake as a child. It didn’t matter the content, the volume triggered some trauma response. You would have to get over it if you were to work with celebrities, but right now you aren't. Right now you were crying in front of a band you were supposed to personally assist. In celebrity management, you had to take the high road, every single time, without fail, until your toes were all blisters. You felt blistered in this moment, with your head ducked to hide that Thomas had hit a nerve, because that was unprofessional. What was also unprofessional was your inability to speak as you left the room.

Thomas being a brat was old news, he liked to challenge you on small things. He’d hold your gaze like he wanted to eat you alive and despite your best efforts to the contrary, you wanted to slap him lightly then kiss him hard. You’d remind yourself that being attracted to Thomas actually made you normal, not the exception. He was an Italian sex symbol and obvously wouldn’t have become so popular if he didn’t have mass appeal. You were simply recognizing his mass appeal. At least that's what you told yourself. However, there was a moment between his petty provocation and your emotional reaction. In that moment the air was so charged you thought he might electrocute you or find the nearest horizontal service, put three fingers inside you, and make you beg for his cock.

This heavy sexual tension had never been squashed by Thomas’s behavior, because it was never severe enough.Always the push of his pettiness and the pull of your chemistry. But shouting didn’t feel like a game, this felt like a knife to the gut. Your mental space had gone from unsustainable to unstable. You couldn’t feel this way, no job was worth your mental health. So you steeled yourself to finish the day with grace, then you’d talk to Leo.

A knock on the front door startled you, and you realized that Damiano’s and Ethan’s lunch orders had arrived. So that will be the first thing you do now that you’ve decided it's your last day: feed the band. You bring in Dami’s and Ethans food and decide to play the perfect part.

“Here you go guys,” you say brightly. “Victoria let me look at the delivery tracking, and yes it's almost here!” The feeling in the air is heavy, and you feel vindicated that the others had called out Thomas for being an asshole. “Okay so Thomas would you like to order something else for lunch?” You stayed cheerful as you stooped to pick up the old container of his rejected lunch. You spray down the carpet with stain remover, acting as though nothing had happened. If emotional compartmentalization was a sport you’d be an Olmpian. “All right, so I’ll finish cleaning that when you’re out of the studio. Thomas can I get you anything else?”

“No, thanks y/n” he replied. You’d expected him to mumble it, slumped over and avoiding eye contact. Instead he met your eyes and was so somber and apologetic that you wanted to throw out every bad memory and climb onto his lap to tell him everything was all right. You don’t realize how dark a room is until the light is turned on. It was the same thing for our eye contact. You didn’t realize how much Thomas had been avoiding sustained eye contact until this moment when he held your gaze like he was holding your hand.

“Okay, good luck writing.” When you closed the heavy studio door, you pledged to yourself that you would not waver from this position.Undoubtedly, you and Thomas had the chemistry to be lovers in another life. However, the fact that you were so physically close in this one and he couldn’t bring himself to be welcoming was all the more reason to leave.

You pulled your suitcase out from the bottom of the closet and put it on your bed. It felt impossibly heavy and the thought of packing it was exhausting. It was as if all your energy had been drained and you were simply a shell of yourself, staring into the gaping mouth of your suitcase. You decided to text Leo that you needed to talk to him later and busy yourself with some ornate dinner.

Packing after dinner felt more manageable, but it still made you sorrowful. Being a nomad was hard, and you loved this place. You didn’t want to fail your employer or your client and this was both. It was so suboptimal you wanted to just bite the bullet and stay anyway, just ride it out. But oh, mental health is such a fickle thing and you couldn’t put yours at risk.

“Hey, Leo. Sorry to call on short notice.” It was nice to talk to a person with whom I have much fewer pretences.

“Hello, y/n it sounds like you’ve had an awesome day,” Leo answered sarcastically.

“Is it that obvious in my voice?”

“Well, that, and I heard from the band.” You cursed yourself. All you needed was a shitty report from a shitty band member for your file. Not only did it piss you off that the band had gone over your head to complain to you about Leo, but it made you nervous.

“I suppose that if I get fired I was wanting to leave anyway.”

“Oh no, they don’t want to fire you! They were worried they’d offended you.”  Then why did they say absolutely nothing about it during dinner?

“I wouldn’t know, no one has spoken to me.” Lovely, they’ve expressed regret to Leo, but not me. Maybe none of them like me and Thomas is the only one to show it. Maybe they want Leo back.

“Sometimes they speak without speaking, you know? You have to pay attention. There is a reason that they are musicians.“

“I do all my duties, I don’t know how I could pay them more attention.”

“You should ask them.”

“Look Leo, I don’t want to disappoint you but I’m done. I’m packing, I need to leave. I will buy my own plane ticket if I have to. I know how it's going to look professionally, but I don’t care, living here is excruciating. I know I’ll have to deal with difficult clients and I can do that. I can do mood swings and perfectionism and arrogance, but I can’t deal with someone repeatedly targeting their negative energy at me specifically. I shouldn’t have to.”

“You’re right y/n, you shouldn’t have to. I guess Thomas was right when he said he took it too far this time.”

“Thomas, talked to you? He talked to you about me?” You could hear Leo cursing himself on the other end of the line, realizing he said something he shouldn’t have.

“Look I’ve been a mentor for Thomas since he was 16, we’ve been friends a long time. He’s a really sweet kid, but he’s not very emotionally articulate.” Sweet kid. Where is this sweet, sensitive kid, talking to Leo because he’s worried he’s hurt my feelings?

“Leo I really don’t know what to say other than we know very different Thomas’s. I genuinely don’t know the person you’re describing. Like I’m not trying to insult his character, I’ve just never met the person you’re talking about.”

“Well I guess that Thomas has made an ass of himself as much as he described, in which case you have every right to leave.”

“What about my resume? I have a bunch of crappy reports, then it says I didn’t fulfill my contract. No one is going to hire me!”

“Y/n…” Leo began slowly, “Maneskin has never given you a report that didn’t sing your praises. If it weren’t for the Thomas of it all, they’d want to keep you on for the tour.”

“What the fuck?” you thought, clapping your hand over your mouth when you realized you’d said it out loud to your boss. “Sorry, but I can’t believe I’m not touring Europe because Thomas doesn’t like me.” Truly, what could you have done to this man?

“No, no, it's the other way around. They didn’t ask you to go on tour because Thomas thinks you don’t like him, and doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Well yeah I don’t like him, obviously. Or do I? Why could I like him after everything?

“Leo this is the most convoluted bullshit I’ve ever been part of.” At least I can hear my boss snorting with laughter.

“Yes, okay, its something to think on. In the meantime, I will book you a flight for the day after tomorrow. If you don’t want it, you can change the ticket. And no, this will not leave your career in shambles so chill out and drink a glass of wine. Okay? You worry too much.”

You’re in the kitchen, following boss’s orders, pouring yourself a glass of red wine. You’re sitting on the kitchen counter, deciding if it's drinkable, when Thomas comes in.

“That's not the best,” he says, gesturing to the wine. He’s meeting your eyes again, nothing malicious or cruel. Thomas opens the fridge and while fumbling for something on the shelf, knocks a tube of garlic paste onto the floor. He makes a precious “oops” sound then meticulously places it where he knocked it from. Were malicious and cruel even accurate words to describe his behavior? Petulant, aggravated, sure, but he never chose anything with weight to make an issue of.

“You know it's really not,” you agreed. “It tastes like disappointment and a headache.” You both smiled easily, Thomas with his face lit from the open fridge. There was something very different about his energy and disposition right now. This was the first time you and Thomas had been alone together.

“It’s what Victoria and Nica left, when they went out.” You made a disgusted sound. “So you really shouldn’t subject yourself to drinking it.”

“Ugh, Chist.” You emptied your glass into the sink, rinsing it a couple times before filling it with water. “No wine for y/n, then.”

“Well you should try this,” Thomas suggested, closing the fridge with a bottle in hand.

“If anyone finds out you keep red wine in the fridge they’re gonna revoke your citizenship” You teased, but regretted immediately because Thomas would take that as bait for conflict and you were so enjoying this gentle peace.

“I couldn’t agree more, but this is a Lumbresco so…” Lumbresco was your favorite, you moved to hop off the counter and look at the label, but Thomas brought the bottle to you instead. It was a Labrusca Rose.

“Thomas what the hell are you doing with a 20 dollar Pink Lumbresco?” you asked, delighted.

“You mentioned that it was your favorite so I thought I should try it.” The look on your face sent him stumbling over his explanation. “When I meet a new person and they tell me their favorite wine I try it and there’s no use trying something if you don’t give it a fair shot. How would I know I liked it if it was a shitty bottle? Buying a crappy bottle would be counterproductive, like I- “ You stopped his rambling with another question.

“But Thomas, why haven’t you opened it yet?” You could actually see Thomas’s walls go up, see his darkness snuff the light of his tenderness out. “Oh, duh! Because its sparkling, it's not like you were going to drink the whole bottle in one go.The only way not to waste it is to share it.” Thomas relaxed back. That was the difference in his disposition, he was unguarded.

“Precisely,” he said, as if everything had been in his control the whole time. “Now for the corkscrew…” He opened the drawer right next to your thigh. This was the closest you’d been, standing almost cheek to cheek, but facing opposite directions. You were alone in the kitchen. When his hand accidentally brushed the top of your thigh, he yanked his it away and stopped breathing. So maybe Thomas felt the same way you did. Maybe that's why he avoided being alone in rooms with you. You have to test that theory now. If you were leaving in two days, you could afford to be bold.

“Thomas” you murmured, and waited for him to turn his eyes from the drawer’s contents to your face. He did so sparingly, which only spurred you on. “You smell really good.” He froze, opening and closing his mouth a couple times like a fish out of water.

“Ugh, I’m not wearing any cologne, I don’t think.” He said, looking down at himself.

“I don’t think it's cologne, you just smell so good.” At this point you observed his reaction. He was shocked, but not pulling away. In fact, Thomas was infinitesimally closer to you. You had to wait a couple beats for his brain to resume functioning, but when it did, he smirked proudly, and you knew he was on the same page. He reaches a hand toward your face, but then you hear a door slam somewhere in the back of the house. You sprang off the counter and took a couple steps back.

Suddenly you’re aware of the entryways to the kitchen, of the windows above the sink. Suddenly the prospect that someone saw made you panic, because maybe you didn’t want to throw it all away. Maybe, if Thomas could find a balance, you didn’t want to throw it all away by fucking your client and leaving in two days.

“Relax, everyone’s out except Ethan, he's just going out to the pool to smoke.”

“He could have seen Thomas. That would be incredibly unprofessional, he’s my client!”

“I get that, will you calm down, it was just the door to the porch.” You loathe being told to calm down.

“It could have been the front door or some other door!”

“But it wasn’t.” Thomas’s arrogance was showing.

“And how do you know that Thomas, how do you know?”

“Because I know what the door sounds like and I made sure it was just Ethan here!”

“But how can you be sure that's what the door to the pool sounds like for sure? That's not possible.” Great, they were arguing about sounds the doors make. Then, you processed the second part of what Thomas had said. “Wait, why did you make sure that no one was here? Were you that confident that we were going to have sex? Oh my god, did you tell them all to leave so we could have sex?!”

“No, they were already going to go out so I could apologize! I just like you, okay?” Thomas matched your hysterics.

“Then apologize! Or is there someone else you need to discuss it with before you discuss it with me?” You were bitter, you had a right to be.

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for everything and for this afternoon and fucking all of it! Are you happy now? Is that the apology you wanted?”

“I don’t ask you for anything and you know that,” you said, quiet but powerful.

“Yeah I know that,” Thomas replied spitefully. The way he said it, you wondered if he wanted you to need something from him, so he would give it to you. It wasn’t your job to guess that people had good intentions.

“You don’t consider anything. You don’t know what it is to have my career, to do my job. Okay? Because then you would know-” you point a finger in the direction of the pool, but Thomas interrupts you.

“How can you say that I don’t know anything about you, huh? You’re afraid of how society’s opinion might affect your career? Try getting followed by cameras! Because I’m in a band, instead of an office? There's-”

“Yes, because you’re in a band! The relationships are totally different, saying otherwise would be simplistic.You have more freedom, but for me there are regulations and rules for how I conduct myself!” You were finally able to finish your thought, while Thomas studied you.

“You follow the rules because you’re supposed to, yes? And that makes you happy y/n?” You nod and Thomas walks around the table as he speaks.

“Yes they do! Because I have a career!” you insist.

“So do I.” Thomas said, but he continued talking before you could beat him to the punch. “But that is because we are different people, right? For you to be successful and happy you need rules.” He comes to stand directly in front of you and lifts his finger accusingly. “You call me simplistic. You should try to feel something outside of the little cage you’ve built around yourself.”

“Fuck you!” you growl at him.

“Finally, something,” he says, as if you’d had a breakthrough.

“Fine, then what's your great expanse of emotional experience, Thomas?” You put your hands on his chest and shove him towards the table, where he has to catch himself on one of the chairs. “Playing FIFA and fucking girls with the lights off? Waking up at 1pm? Sounds riveting! Maybe I should try that, maybe-” But Thomas is kissing you. He pulls away for a second to give you a choice, but you grab him by both lapels and bring his body against your own. There's no tepidness, this has been between you for weeks.

Thomas reaches down to thighs and tells you to jump. You spring off the ground at the same time that he hauls you up his body. You love being able to coil your legs around his hips and establishing a vice grip so Thomas doesn’t need to support you. He does anyway, moving his hands up to the soft place where cheek meets thigh. At a slightly different angle he’s be fingering you. You’re both too hot this close, and its making you sweat wonderfully. The fight and arousal have made both your faces flushed, lips plush and pink. The transition to using tongue wasn’t awkward, as the verbal foreplay had rendered both supple.

You arched your back, trying to get closer and tugging at his hair for future reference. Trying to figure out what is too much and not enough, finding that Thomas’s pleasure has more to do with the amount of sensation rather than severity. He makes these little grunts and breathes out hard when something feels good. You grab as big a section as possible at the back of his head and pull, arching your back to get closer. You lick his adam's apple and the hollow at the base of his neck, sweat pooling. His hands knead your soft upper thighs in pleasure.

Thomas then hicks you up higher, so your legs are around his waist. He kisses a line up your neck, then sucks a hickey, hard. He runs your earlobe between his teeth. It's gentler to test the waters, but you don’t like gentleness, you like pain and pleasure in a 1:1 ratio.

“Hard, you can do it hard.” It's the most coherent thing you can say. Right now the primal desire to fuck Thomas was underminning all frontal lobe information.

“Top off.” He held you up, flush against his body so you could use your hands without falling. You unceremoniously yanked your shirt off. Thomas leaned down, getting the muscle that ran along the top of your shoulder between his teeth. He bit down so hard that you felt the muscle spasm in his mouth with glorious white hot agony. You let out an embarrassing screeching moan that surely anyone in the house could hear, but Thomas didn’t put a hand over your mouth. Instead he put his lips by your ear and purred your praises.

“Mhm I thought you’d be a little freak. Already doing such a good job.” Thomas didn’t pull away, he stuck his tongue in your ear. No one had done that before and you figured it’d feel strange, but it was amazing. The wet, hot muscle of Thomas’s tongue was felt acutely by the highly sensitive receptors in your ear canal. He had to grip you tight as you shivered. Getting Thomas’s shirt off in this particular position was difficult, but you could unbutton it. The burnt orange fabric parted to reveal the skin below.

When Thomas pulled you flush against him again, you felt suddenly self conscious. You were so turned on by him that your tights had soaked through, and you were wearing a skirt with no panties. This meant that your wet crotch was pressed against the skin above his belly button. You were totally vulnerable to him. Thomas moved so that your back was pressed against the wall instead of his. This allowed the wall to hold some of your weight, but also for Thomas to press further against you. Thomas hiked up your skirt and leaned into your groin, so your wet cunt was pressed against him as much as possible. This meant that your legs were splaying almost totally open against his waist. Being up in the air like this made you feel small, taken care of, but also at the mercy of your partner.

Thomas must be getting tired by now, but instead he shrugged off his button up and unclasped your bra. When he went straight for your nipples you understood why he wanted you in this position. All splayed out, Thomas could literally feel himself making you wet. Thomas went through the normal, vanilla licking and sucking. When that didn’t elicit a reaction from you, he used his teeth. Just seeing him drag his front tooth against your nipple made you dig your nails into his back. When he did it with force, you almost came, and he felt that when you spasmed, and where your cunt was pressed against his abdomen. You’d lost track of when you’d started making noises, but you needed more. You needed more pressure, more stimulation, and this state of being completely aroused was painful.

When he did put your feet on the ground, your were both so desperate to fuck that when Thomas asked you to lean over the table, you said yes. Before turning around, you undid Thomas’s belt and pants. He watched you, the visual of seeing your hands on his groin an immense turn on. He stepped out of his jeans, then froze.

“Condoms, damn it!” Thomas looked crestfallen in a way you found flattering.

“I’m on birth control, are you clean?”

“Yeah I just got a panel done.”

“So let's do it without. It's better anyway and I want to feel you.” The look of wonder at the proposition of safe, unprotected sex on a mans face never gets old. It's like Disnaeyland but more so.

“Fuck thats so hot.” He rushed forward to kiss you and the urgency was back. You pulled off his underwear and got a brief look at his cock as you turned around. It was long, veiny, and circumcised, even pretty. You pulled up your skirt and Thomas tried to peel back your tights for about 2 seconds before he ripped them apart at the seams, growling. You let out a sound of indignation.

“I’ll get you new ones.” Thomas grunted. You felt the tip of his dick against your hymen for a moment, before he pulled away. Thoomas’s knees hit the ground and his mouth was on your opening. He went in tongue first and sucked, as you squealed. The first finger was easy, but the second wasn’t, which was why he was adding more foreplay to begin with. He was too big, you realized. As Thomas worked on a second finger, he murmured words of encouragement.

“Sweetheart you gotta relax. Relax for me baby, it’ll feel good. You’re safe, relax your body for me baby.” You focused on relaxing your pelvis, breathing deeply. It had been months since your last fuck, but you didn’t figure you’d end up this tight. “There you go baby, you’re doing such a good job. You’re relaxing so good for me, opening up so good.” Once the second finger was in the third came easily and Thomas was back on his feet.

“Do you want me to-” you said, gesturing at his cock.

“No, no, it's fine. You feel ready?” You nodded. “Still okay with doing this here?”

“Yeah, yeah, it's fine” you answered, feeling a little embarrassed. But then you felt the head of Thomas’s cock again, this time pressing in. You took a deep breath, and Thomas sank into the hilt. It knocked the air out of you, so you surged towards the table and he caught you.

“Still good?” You nodded adamantly. The sensation was a surprise but it was also fucking wonderful. The deep ache, combined with Thomas’s stimulating nerves that hadn’t been stimulated in months, was a new favorite. You calmed your body for a moment and hummed with pleasure. In response, Thomas did the unexpected. He kissed the nape of your neck like a lover.

You realized Thomas knew what he was doing when he started by searching for the right angle, instead of viciously thrusting. Soft, yearning moans came from the back of his throat while he kept a reasonable pace. You could feel in the way that Thomas’s body was coiled, that he was holding back until the right moment. You rolled your hips back against his thrusts to coax more vigor from his movements. Thomas moved one hand from the table, onto the hinge of your hip to control your movements. You whined in the back of your throat when he used that hand to bring your body back against him, down his cock.

That’s when he found your g-spot and you wailed, feeling your toes curl against the tile of the kitchen floor. Thomas must have spent at least the next five minutes fucking you hard and deep, with you pressed against and onto the surface of the table. The enamel of the table was cold on your nipple’s and Thomas’s unrelenting pace brought the catharsis of being fucked thoroughly. At some point you’d moved the table half a foot across the room and your feet weren't even touching the ground. Thomas pulled you up off the table like a ragdoll and rested his chin on you shoulder.

“You think you can come, sweetheart? For me?” You couldn’t managewords, but a nod of the head was enough for Thomas to take full advantage of his new viewpoint. The hand grasping your hip moved between your legs. He was looking down, finding the clitorous. Soon he was applying such direct pleasure that you were gasping.

“Too much!” His breath was hitting your shoulder rapidly. You could feel Thomas’s hair, damp with sweat, ticking your neck. The light ministrations on your clit and angle of his cock were so perfect that all Thomas had to do was bite down again, and you fell onto the table in orgasam. You don’t remember exactly when Thomas came, but it seemed that he’d been waiting for you first. He collapsed half way on top of you, both of you with ragged breathing. Thomas moved to sweetly kiss the back of your neck again, a chaste kiss. You opened your eyes to watch him and found yourself being watched, tenderly and with care. You said the first thing that came to mid, in order to fill the silence.

“Thank you.” Thomas chuckled, head resting on his folded forearms.

“Happy to be of service y/n.”

“But I should check with Leo to make sure this is part of my job description. I wouldn’t want any permanent write-ups in my file.” In response, Thomas laughed so hard he fell onto the kitchen floor.

“Careful where you lay your face down”

“Ew!”

Notes: this work is inspired by a prompt anonymously submitted to another blog who invited other writers to use it. I’m not sure of the proper format for that. Also I wrote the entire sex scene high af lol This as far from proofread as I'm willing to post so sorry for all the mistakes.

Masterlist

[obscurexodd]

The signs as things that I did not learn until adulthood

Aries: Schwarzenegger had a himbo era. That's what inspired this post but not why I'm giving it to Aries. You guys just have that energy. Own it, I guess. You might end up being a Governator idfk

Taurus: That plantains are real and not just the sims way of saying banana. I thought this was just the sims creators being silly.

Gemini: Those toads that shoot blood out of their eyes are actually lizards. Also that scorpions are arachnids. And that I will always know less about this general topic than any mountain redneck I've encountered.

Cancer: I still don't really know who Al Gore is. Like, I kinda do, but most of that knowledge comes from South Park. I have learned in adulthood that knowing things like that has very little impact on my life, much to the contrary of what I learned in school, and my brain cells are few in number and already working overtime. I don't think I could learn about this if I tried.

Leo: That I actually am hot af I just have low self esteem. Also that you can push tampons out with your muscles. Flex that sex biiitch

Virgo: Not knowing many adult things is actually not that abnormal and we all Google what to do when something happens. Or we call our parents, friends, or grandma. Then we do our best and that's usually enough.

Libra: The cuter that something is, the more likely it is to destroy your life. Soft fluffy blanket be so fall aesthetic but will kill you from heat stroke at night. Puppies will destroy everything they can and will continue to do so unless you work with them on it. Attractive humans - self explanatory. Not a guarantee it'll ruin your life, but if you have a gambling problem don't get a puppy.

Scorpio: Teen angst doesn't go away it just becomes adult angst about doing the dishes and how you have to work your ass off to pay rent but then you go to the grocery store and think "Fuck, I need trash bags and paper towels" and you come to hold a deep seated hatred for these things. The teen angst that you formerly held for your parents is now transferred to toilet paper.

Sagittarius: If someone is staring at you, stare back. More aggressively. Scare them off. If they're a creep, you've now made them aware that you're aware of them. If they're just rude/judgmental, you've put not only the fear of God in them but the fear of you . You don't have to even do anything. It's about the eye contact. Works every time I'm out in public and someone is annoying me.

Capricorn: If you put the fucking lid down in a port a potty the smell vents out, like it is supposed to because that's why the vent is there in the first place. And every time you've gone into one with the lid up, that smell of nastiness could've been a lil less awful but the other person ruined it. I always knew that if you flush with the lid open you get particles everywhere, including what you wipe your face/body with and what you use to brush your teeth, but I didn't know about the port a potty thing. Now that I do I'm angry at everyone else.

Aquarius: People die while/from shitting way, way more often than I thought would ever be possible. Specifically I learned this because it's very possible that the "lol Elvis died on the toilet" thing is not only true but that due to the combination of both his heart being weakened by substance abuse and that he was trying to push out four months worth of shit, it caused his heart attack. And people also death by diarrhea. It counts for 1 in 9 deaths of children under the age of five worldwide.

Pisces: Buttermilk doesn't actually have butter. I learned this and thought to myself "Did you really just think that it was milk with a stick of butter in it?" only to realize that, yes, that is exactly what I thought. I had never examined this thought further.

[manyothermusingsofmine]

on one hand a lot of media is just.. idfk being dumb about androgyny and not letting their male characters have long hair.

on the other hand there's capcom who in rapid succession appeals to my aesthetic interests and attractions because like

Capcom-

Capcom you're-

Capcom you're targeting me stop it

[skepticalarrie]

hello allie, i don’t know if you’re the right person to ask about this. but i have no one else to go to, and i could really use some advice. so i’ve been confused about my sexuality for over a year now. but recently, i met a girl that i found very AESTHETICALLY attractive. like i admired the way she looked a lot. she ended up dming me on insta and we’ve been kinda like flirting and becoming friends. but i have no idea if i’m attracted to her romantically. i know i’m attracted to guys, i’ve had crushes on guys before and it just doesn’t feel the same. i’ve gotten butterflies and hot flashes and have been shaking because of nerves around her. but i’m just so lost. i don’t want to feel like i’ve led her on because that wasn’t my intention at all. i’ve only known her since last friday. i definitely think she likes me, but i have no idea if i like her. i just don’t know if i’m ready to explore that part of my sexuality yet. then i find out that this guy likes me and i feel like i could like him???? i’m not gonna just go off into a relationship or anything like that right now, because that would be a shit thing to do to the girl. i’ve mentioned before that i don’t know what my sexuality is to her too. but i feel like i’ve been leading her on. i don’t even know the guy, so i obviously can’t tell if i like him or not. but he’s definitely very pretty and kind of like what i’ve dreamt of in a guy?? as of right now, i don’t think i’m gonna date either of them if they ask. i’m sorry if i look like an absolute asshole to you, i’m just so lost. my best friend thinks i like her bc all the signs were there, but idk it just doesn’t feel the same. i just can’t feel like i can force myself to date someone that i possibly don’t like in that way. i absolutely hate hurting people, so if i tell her this, she will literally hate me. i really don’t want to hurt her. also just to make it clear, when i clear things up with her, i’m not gonna go off and start dating the guy. i feel like i’ll get his socials and see what his personality is like. nothing more than friends or anything like that. i don’t want her to feel like i just took advantage of or used her idfk. i’m so sorry about this. also when i say flirting, nothing like hardcore or anything. just kinda like cute stuff, i said i was good at hugging and she said she wanted to put that to the test. so stuff like that. also feel free to ignore this if it’s too much to answer 💜 hope you have a great day, i’ll update you if anything changes.

Hello dear. Well I don't know if I'm the right person to answer this either but I've definitely experienced the exact same thing before. So I think the best advice I can give you is for you to be honest with yourself and with her. Sexuality is not something that is black and white and it can be really confusing. So you need to allow yourself to be confused, to be curious, to try things out. Sometimes you just need to go ahead and experience stuff so you can understand it better. For me, the best thing was to be completely honest with the first girl I *actually* kissed.. I was so into her but I was still confused, I knew it in my bones I was always attracted to girls but actually touching kissing and having sex with them was a completely different thing in my head. I told her I was just trying things out and having fun and she was fine with it. I didn't open myself completely (because we barely knew each other at that point) but I made sure to let her know that I liked her but it was also something very new to me. And I was truly open to anything, I needed to be honest with myself and to actually face that finally, because it was something that I always pushed to the back of my head.. and I think that's what gave me the courage to go ahead and do it. And it was such a relief when I realised that it didn't matter what would come out of it, it was fine. So, listen, I totally understand you must be feeling in a really vulnerable position to be confused and torn between these two be people, but it's not like this is a life or death situation, you don't need to choose between being lesbian or straight 😂😂 If you fancy the guy, it's totally fine. And if you feel like you're ready to try things out with a girl, it's all good as well. Again, just make sure to be honest with everyone and with yourself and I'm sure you're going to be fine! Good luck!

[fuck-goes-on]

Venus

pairing/s: marcus pike x enby! oc (aphrodite)

summary: marcus pike tiredly regards their newest bust, the birth of venus by botticelli, and is suprised by an unknown force that brings aphrodite to life

warning/s: nudity, sexual attraction (i think? idfk im ace pls i dont know this shit), magic shit that i cant be bothered to explain, lowkey application of greek myth?? poorly done tho

note/s: this is just like a little blurb/concept that i came up with in the shower and now we're here HAHAHA i lowkey wanna write more of this but idk 🤔 yes aphrodite is non-binary, yes aphrodite does NOT look the same as in the painting because i believe their appearance would change with the beauty standards of the time period, and YES they have a soft pastel cottage core aesthetic

masterlist ¦¦ next

Marcus sighed as he entered headquarters early in the morning, greeting the guards and the receptionists as he headed towards the elevator. There was massive bust the other day that got them to recover the stolen ‘Birth of Venus’. The painting was sitting in the recovery room, where its large canvas almost took up the whole room. He was supposed to go over with the team to see if there was any damage to the piece and to contact the owner.

As he walked into the room, he placed his belongings on a table and went to stand in front of the painting, scrutinising every single detail and simultaneously admiring the paintwork of Botticelli; The painter was truly amazing.

However, Marcus soon found himself getting dizzy as his eyes focused on the detailed face of Aphrodite. His sight blurred at the edges and the room spun rapidly. Bracing himself on a nearby table, he closed his eyes as the same time a bright flash filled the room.

A heavy weight fell on top of him, making him tumble down to the floor in surprise. Marcus heard a small noise of shock on top of him. His hands came up to gently push the figure off of him, but froze at the touch of bare skin.

The person finally pushed themself up, revealing their naked body as they moved to sit on their knees. Thick thighs straddled Marcus's waist, small hands pressed on his chest, and, fuck, he's hard. They blinked their weary eyes open and stared down at Marcus's red flushed face.

He was astonished by how gorgeous the person was; Freckles were scattered across their face like constellations in the night sky; Long and curled lashes fluttered against full and rosy cheeks; Hair cut short and styled with beautiful waves framed their facial structure; The plumpness of their stomach, thighs and arms encompassed his own body in warmth.

They were utterly and devastatingly attractive.

A sheepish expression was spread on their face, their eyes crinkling at the sides adorably. "Apologies, I am often quite clumsy," They said, their voice washing over Marcus like a tidal wave of a soothing melody. "You are a handsome stranger, might I ask for your name?"

"M-Marcus," He replied once he has found the strength to speak. Clearing his throat, he sat up and helped them up on their feet before standing up as well. He averted his eyes away from their nudity and removed his long coat, wrapping it around their shoulders to cover up. They looked slightly confused at the act but snuggled the soft fabric tighter around themself. "And you, what's your name?"

"You do not know my name, mortal?" They questioned, quirking up a brow in disbelief. "I am Aphrodite, goddess of love. Be grateful I didn't smite you on the spot for your ignorance."

Marcus narrowed his eyes at this... Aphrodite, letting himself look them over now that they were covered and looked back at the painting—

"Fuck!" He exclaimed loudly, quickly pacing to the front of the large Botticelli painting and panicked over the missing important figure in the middle. A clear absence of a woman standing on top of the now empty shell was unmistakable. "Where the fuck did Venus go?"

"They're right here." Marcus twisted his head to the side to see Aphrodite's annoyance showing through their body language. They had their arms crossed in front of their chest and leaned heavily on their left leg. "I must say, this behaviour is unlike any mortal I've ever met. You dare act this way in front of an Olympian?"

"Look, sir, with all due respect, you look nothing like Botticelli's Venus," He said in a light tone as to not come off as offensive, "And there's no way you came out from that painting."

"You never know the works of the Fates, mortal," They rebutted, challenging him to prove them wrong. "And you clearly don't know my capabilities as a god." Marcus could only let his jaw fall open at the incredulous statement and situation. He rubbed at his face as he checked the time on his watch.

It was nearing the time when his coworkers would come in and he had a very naked unauthorised person in a room filled with many invaluable artworks. He needed to find a way to smuggle them out and figure out how to deal with the situation. It dawned on him that he has an extra pair of clothes in his office for the days when he doesn't leave headquarters.

"Come with me, I need to hide you quickly or else we'll both get in trouble," Marcus said, reaching out to hold them by the wrist and pulling them out of the room. They let themself be dragged to his office, looking around the place in interest. When they stepped into his workroom, he immediately locked the door and drew the blinds for privacy. He dug out and extra clothes and shoved them into Aphrodite's arms. "Wear those for now, I have to get you out and I can't do that if you're walking around naked."

They redarded the pristine clothes for a moment before gazing up at him with confusion. "I don't know how to out these on."

Fuck.

general taglist: @stillshelbs @pedroepascal

[kyutown]

Good evening my liege! 💖 I was intrigued to find out about you while diving deeper into tumblr hell so, I am here with a plead to ship me with nct and svt, of you'd be so kind ✨

Alright so for starters, I'm an infp! I'm a generally well-mannered person with people I meet for the first time, borderline sweet and awkward at the same time. I like not to overinvest in first meetings with people and sometimes I think I am somewhat defensive of myself. My emotions always show on my face, both the good and the bad ones. So if someone does say something that I find offensive or whatnot, it SHOWS. I generally hate rude and offensive people all together, as well as people who are vulgar if we're not well acquainted first.

I'm not good at starting conversations and I usually just tend to listen to my friends talk most of the time. It's not like I have nothing to say but I really like listening to my favorite people ramble on about things they love or generally talk about their lives. Im a pretty good listener and I am always objective, even with my family. I won't hold back and I will give you my honest opinion in every case. I always try to see from all perspectives, maybe that's why I'm often somewhat indecisive.

That being said, I really don't shut up about things I love or my hobbies. I'm usually the mood maker of the group as I hate conflict and tension. I am a very sarcastic and cynical person in general and that reflects on my humor, which can vary from vulgar to very dark and inappropriate. Yes, the type of person that will try to hold in their laughter cause I made a mental joke to a funeral. I love witty, stimulating and deep conversations. I'm not that big on casual chitchat but it's okay most of the time I guess.

I'm the personification of open-minded and im also quite opinionated and I can back up my arguments if needed but I tend to avoid getting into heated conversations cause again, my mind reads it as tension. I love being around friends doing nothing and everything but most of the time, I find alone time to be very healing for my mind and soul. I find authenticity and weird little quirks that people have extremely attractive. I'm somewhat stubborn as well.

I also used to have stress and anxiety issues, not anything serious but enough that I had trouble sleeping at night. It was just a few years ago that I decided to not care about every single thing and have a more of a "fuck that" approach in life and honestly, I've never imagined that it would be so liberating. I regained my confidence, physically and mentally, it was an empowering process! I really do believe that self-exploring and healing is the no1 most important thing that someone can do. Love yourself first and foremost and fck what anybody thinks.

So, moving on xD I am a romantic and soft deep down, even though I try not to show sad emotions when around people. But you can be sure I cry at random rescuing dog videos, or videos with people helping each other. I love humanity but hate it at the same time? 😂 Idk if that makes sense, it is what I feel lol I love to learn new random stuff! I'm currently studying linguistics and uni and I aim to be a translator or interpreter, cause i love languages and the cultural differences that come with it. Hence my undying love for music of different genres and languages! Music relaxes me and I couldn't imagine going on without it for more than 3 days. While I do tend to listen to kpop which is more upbeat and experimental, I also LOVE Latin music and rock. I love love traveling around the world! My hobbies include drawing which I'm self taught, fashion and creative writing! I tend to daydream A LOT during the day and so many ideas pop up in my head. I love exploring other cultures' religions and beliefs as well as mythology. I always found it fascinating. I love plants as well! My room is basically a garden xD I also love mystical but also borderline creepy and gory stuff xD I call skulls "pretty" the same way I would call a puppy "cute" 🤣 I'm aware οf that but I can't help but enjoy the look of horror in people's faces xD

oh, I really enjoy observing people as well! Not in a weird way! Their mannerisms, the way they speak, their features. I also love thriller and horror movies the most as well as dark social drama ones. You know, with murders, suicides etc I like how in even the tiniest ways they depict our society as people and frankly, it's sad but I try to be optimistic and keep a positive approach in life. I also really appreciate stand-up comedy xD

Closing up this huge essay, some last things xD I, and I cannot stress this enough, am unable to flirt. Like at all. I can't even maintain eye contact for more than two Seconds. I wish I was kidding. Sadly I'm not 😂Weird thing is, turns out I am actually able to flirt but I'm not aware I'm doing it?? I'm a master at text flirting apparently lololol. What I am, is also called DENSE AS SHIT when it comes to couple things. True story, if you want to do the freaky with your s/o and you need me to leave the room you better TELL ME RIGHT TO MY FACE or else, we gon be there aaaaall night xD And its actually a remarkable feature of mine, considering how dirty minded I usually am lol

I also think I'm touch starved sometimes, like I really like hugs and cuddling and teasing but I'm not gonna ask for it🥺I'm a night owl and I tend to procrastinate a lot. I can't work efficiently if there's not a deadline, like I need that pressure on me in order to function xD My weak spot is actually to act whiny and needy and cutely in front of me. I can do ANYTHING that u ask me of when this happens. And if I show any resistance, JUST KEEP IT UP. I'm jelly on the floor when this happens. Idfk why, it just works?? My sister is abusing the sht out of this method 😭I can't say I make friends easily, cause I believe I do come off as maybe off-putting or weird at times, plus as I said if you're really cant shove your conversation in my face the first time we meet, imma be just an awkward ball of giggles and smiles and "can I go home now pls" 🤣 My general aesthetic / vibes would be sunsets on beaches, soft grunge, cottage core, lofi and hedge witch aesthetics!

Okay so, I think that's everything and probably way more than u needed, so thank you for reading everything my stupid ass wrote❤️

hi! thank you for responding!

for nct, i think yuta would be a nice fit! yuta also likes rock as his favorite band is one ok rock which is a rock band. i feel like you guys would always listen to music (not always rock) and would enjoy making time go by like this!

for seventeen, i think you would match well with the8! the8 would be the type to enjoy exploring new cultures with you and new religions, he would also love to dress up with you and put together outfits with you!

[crownquill]

me: heyYy levels of attraction. How are yall doin lmao

protective attraction: Everywhere. All the time. :}

you should really pat someone's head today.

romantic attraction: one person and one person only and if anyone other than them flirts with me or something I am going to slowly implode!!!!

sexual attraction: no. not today. not this week. maybe not even this month idfk I have other places to be man.

aesthetic attraction: HoLlLy fuck!!! is this gender envy or do you want to like, legit talk to them?????

sensual attraction: Bitch I will run you over with a *truck*

me:.....alright then

[smallerinfinities]

I came to some realizations after Azriel’s bonus chapter.

a) it took place in the middle of the book, not the end. This was also relatively close to the time where Elain kept stating that she wanted a human mate, not a fae.

b) I think Azriel is extremely desperate for love. Do I think he feels some sort of attraction (whether sexual or romantic) towards Elain? Yes. Do I think that he’s also just extremely needy for love after seeing his two brothers find their mates in quick succession and now he sees his chance to find a partner himself after lining after the same girl for 500 years? Yes.

c) Azriel needs to fix his damn self because I don’t like the fact that he said he hadn’t thought further then bedding Elain when she seems like a sweet girl who has a whole lot more character exploring to come (or at least I hope so). Also dislike how Lucien respects Azriel and the 2 seemed to get along quiet well throughout the book, yet Azriel was ready to legit kill Lucien who is an absolute gem to me.

d) I find it interesting how the bonus chapter started with Elain and Azriel and ended with Gwyn and Azriel. Might be foreshadowing, might be a build up for angst, idk.

e) I can’t wait for that necklace re gift to blow up in Azriel’s face.

f) I don’t like how Elain is treating Lucien. It may be the fact that she doesn’t want to accept that she is now Fae and has a Fae mate, but at least talk to the man or at the very least be civil to him. Lucien is one of my favourite characters and that dude just can’t catch a break. I’m not saying she has to accept him (because no man is entitled to Elain, she is her own woman and should be treated as such) but don’t string my poor fox boy around. And especially don’t entertain the idea of sleeping with another guy under the same roof as him. Either reject him or talk it out with him.

g) there are so many different ways these next books can go but my main concern is how sjm is gonna find new worldly conflicts (not romantic ones because holy shit we have enough of those) because it kinda feels like the storyline is just being dragged a bit.

h) I’m a Gwynriel shipper but I’m not completely opposed to Azriel and Elain getting together. As long as Gwyn and Lucien don’t get fucked over (especially Gwyn considering her past with men) and both Az and El don’t have to sacrifice integral parts of their characters to be together then I’m cool with it.

I really liked ACOSF and there are so many different paths that the storyline could now go. We got 2 different cliches that could be done too lmao. SJM is a talented writer and I do want to see all my favourite characters get a happily ever after and while I’m excited to see what’s to come, I can’t help but be worried that I might be let down. This series is a great one, but it’s going on for a while. I sometimes feel like it should have just ended after ACOWAR, but I still have faith in the next couple of books. I also wish that this fandom wouldn’t be so nasty when it comes to something as trivial as ships, but oh well! Sorry for the ridiculously long ask, but I had so many thoughts about that bonus chapter!

okay okay so I’ve been on my phone for a couple days and when I read this I was like WOW THIS NEEDS A FULL KEYBOARD RESPONSE BECAUSE SEVERAL POINTS WERE MADE--

first off, I totally agree that this stuff is just discourse and like no one should be fighting or like idfk sending weird death threats over ships or the simple fact that they liked a book or a chapter like it’s not that deep it’s just speculation let people like what they like....but back to the Az bonus chapter...

I specifically want to talk about points B, C, and F. 

B-- so I think you’re so right about Az being desperate for love. like he’s gone so long feeling that unrequited shit for Mor and before maybe it wasn’t a big deal to him because his brothers were seemingly unattached too. but now that Rhys and Cassian are both mates and fucking head over heels for Feyre and Nesta, I think he’s feeling his separation from that happiness acutely and it just seems like star-crossed fate shit that there should be three brothers and three sisters (as cheesy as it feels and sounds and how trope-y it is) so maybe the lust he feels for Elain is just that base need to feel SOMETHING in the face of what he can see and hear and fckn *smell* at the River House and the House of Wind every damn day. and Elain is frankly an easy target. she’s quiet with a sense of humor and a fuckload of trauma....she’s someone for Az to be gentle with and nurture. and when he says “maybe the cauldron was wrong” like you feel the pain and resentment there...that the other sisters were seemingly made for his brothers and he should be left out. I feel bad for him but at the same time....

C--DUDE WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT KILLING LUCIEN AND HOW EASY IT WOULD BE....like that’s some Class A territorial fae bastard shit right there...not seen since the likes of Rowan Whitethorn (though in truth I do love it on him but he was that way for AELIN, HIS MATE)...I don’t think Sarah breathed life into the idea of the cauldron making a mistake for nothing, but I also just don’t think she belongs in the Night Court...all those comments about how much Elain would love Spring Court and sunshine and light....I’ve said this before but the Court of Nightmares solstice scene where Cassian basically calls Elain plain in her Night Court black dress was a huge yikes for me. like the Night Court clearly dims her spirit. it doesn’t fit her aesthetic, you know? anyways I’m getting off track...Azriel’s preoccupation with Elain right now from his POV seems almost entirely sexual so maybe like rethink that bro. 

F--okay yes, while I don’t think Elain is “beholden” to anyone and no male should feel entitled to her or be FIGHTING BLOOD DUELS OVER HER WTF???? I do agree that she has treated Lucien pretty much like shit. she hasn’t tried to understand the situation or the history (at least from what we’ve seen) of the mating bond and how neither of them chose this. like Lucien is as much a victim of the situation as she is, he just has the benefit of understanding what it means in fae culture to have a mate and the pain it causes to reject it. like she just avoids him instead of out-right saying no so he’s just being strung along. like let him go if you don’t want to be with him. and while Lucien has made some shitty decisions (I will never forgive him for his complicity in ACOMAF), this kind of pain shouldn’t be his punishment...like Rhys wouldn’t have to deal in absolutes with Azriel if Elain would just MAKE THE DECISION because then it’s not a challenge for Elain. it’s Elain making a choice, just like they’re fond of allowing women to make in the damn Night Court. my problem with Elain has never been with her femininity or her perceived lack of personality (which is canon now pls) it has always been with her lack of action and the inner circle enabling her to sit and do nothing--EVEN WHEN SHE MIGHT WANT TO. yes I’m talking about that moment where everyone is all up in arms about “exposing” Elain to the darkness of the dread trove and all but throwing Nesta to the wolves...I screamed when Cassian was like “BUT NESTA SHOULD???” ugh pissed me off so much. 

anyways clearly we both have a lot of feelings lmao I will scream about this series until I die I s2g 

[rthoney]

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]?

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

9: Are you ticklish?

10: Are you allergic to anything?

11: What’s your sexuality?

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber?

16: How tall are you?

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?

21: Are you religious?

22: Pet peeves?

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?

24: Favorite constellation?

25: Favorite star?

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

27: Any phobias or fears?

28: Do you think global warming is real?

29: Do you believe in reincarnation?

30: Favorite movie?

31: Do you get scared easily?

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

34: What is a color that calms you?

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

36: Where were you born?

37: What is your eye color?

38: Introvert or extrovert?

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

40: Hugs or kisses?

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

43: Any piercings you want?

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so?

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!

47: What is a sound you really hate?

48: A sound you really love?

49: Can you do a backflip?

50: Can you do the splits?

51: Favorite actor and/or actress?

52: Favorite movie?

53: How are you feeling right now?

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

55: When did you feel happiest?

56: Something that calms you down?

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

58: What does your URL mean?

59: What three words describe you the most?

60: Do you believe in evolution?

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

62: What makes you follow a blog?

63: Favorite kind of person:

64: Favorite animal(s):

65: Name three of your favorite blogs.

66: Favorite emoticon:

67: Favorite meme:

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

69: What is your star sign?

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

72: Post a selfie or two?

73: Do you have platform shoes?

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

75: Can you do a front flip?

76: Do you like birds?

77: Do you like to swim?

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

80: Some thing you wish did exist:

81: Piercings you have?

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

83: Favorite person to talk to:

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

85: How many followers do you have?

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

87: Do your socks always match?

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

89: What are your birthstones?

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

92: A store you hate?

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

95: Do you like to wear camo?

96: Winter or summer?

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

98: Least favorite person?

99: Someone you look up to:

100: A store you love?

101: Favorite type of shoes

102: Where do you live?

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

105: Do you drink milk?

106: Do you like bugs?

107: Do you like spiders?

108: Something you get paranoid about?

109: Can you draw:

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

111: A question you hate being asked?

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:

116: Favorite cloud type:

117: What color do you wish the sky was?

118: Do you have freckles?

119: Favorite thing about a person:

120: Fruits or vegetables?

121: Something you want to do right now:

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

123: Sweet or sour foods?

124: Bright or dim lights?

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

128: What do you think about the least?

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

133: Computer or TV?

134: Do you like roller coasters?

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

137: Do you believe in karma?

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

144: What makes you angry

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

147: Are you androgynous?

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

156: What embarrasses you?

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

159: How many people are you following?

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

163: Last time you cried and why:

164: Do you have long or short hair?

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

1. im ok with my height 2. Australian Shepard 3. not really.is a sweatshirt and leggings a style? 4. wii  5. probably like the 5 people i talk to every day, hamilton, music 6. i thought of like 6 different things.. 7. idk you pick something and ill answer it  8. fuck idk 9. YES BUT IF YOU TICKLE ME BE PREPARE TO BE KICKED  10. just pollen 11. straight  12. all three. 13. both 14. mermaid hehe i love swimming  15. no 16. 5′ 7″ 17. eliza idk i like my name  18. no 19. nope 20. ocean 21.  kinda more like my dad and stepmom are so like i kinda am too. idrk. 22. people umm idk 23. i dont know 24. i dont have one. they all kinda just look like stars to me.. 25. ^^ 26. wtf is that 27. heights. spiders. snake. most bugs in general. sleeping bags. 28. absoultely  29. no 30. H.A.M.I.L.T.O.N 31. i get startled pretty easily but like actually scared, a little less easly 32.fuck alot. ummm i think 14 not including all the fish ive had 33.well its anon so... 34. idk. 35. new york,  paris, austria, irleand,  36. in the same town i have lived in my whole life 37. meduim brown  38. both.. 39. naw 40. both 41. my mutals  42. my best friendsssss 43. i want another percing on my ear 44. ig 45. no 46. no thank you :) 47. i hate the sound of things being hit on metal 48. lin manuel mirandas voice <3 49. nope 50.NOPE 51. LIN. MANUEL. MIRANDA.  52. HAMILTON 53. im feeling good 54. the color that it is..... 55. idfk 56. listening for music 57. not that i know of  58. it means elizard hamilton 59. music. friends. art. thats probably not what it meant but idk  60. yes  61. being and asshole 62. hamilton and fanfics, mostly  63. idk what this means 64. DOGS. CATS. PANDAS. MOST ANIMALS. 65.i have wayyyy more than three tho..... 66.  idk. 67. i dont have one. 68. i dont know what that is... 69. aquaruis...? 70. no ones old and ones dumb 71. probably my pjs or my london tshirt and jeans/leggings 72. if anyone reminds me i will lol. i doubt anyone will read all of these tho. 73.yes but i dont wear them cause i cant walk in heals 74. idk.... 75. fuck no 76. yea 77. YES I LOVE SWIMMING 78. swimmingggg 79. wasps 80. every broadway show ever to be profretionally recorded. 81. i have two in each ear but i rarely wear the bottom one 82. paiting 83.any one of my best friends. 84. memes. depressed people. fandoms 85.166 86. fuck no. 87. nope. like %80 of the time they dont match 88. sometimes 89. amithest. 90. idk 91. daisiessss 92. idfk 93. 0-2 94.read minds 95. ..idk 96. WINTER 97. idk 98. this ass hole i used to be friends with. he was a racist dick and very toxic 99. i d k  100. idk 101. converse 102. Washington 103. No 104. idk  105. yes 106. some  107. nooooo 108. most things lol 109. kinda 110. idk 111. idrk 112. yea but just like tiny spiders 113. yessssssss 114. sunny unless its raining 115. i dont know. 116. i  dont fuccking know 117. blue...? 118. i wishhhh 119 personality 120. vegitables 121. watch hamilton 122. sky 123. sweet, i dont like sour things 124. dim 125. no 126. idk 127. my friends <3 128. what does this mean... 129. idfk 130. my brother  131. basically everything about me  132. sometimes but not really. 133. computer 134. FUCK YEA 135. no 136.what? 137. no 138. 6.7 139. ri ri, ri, genie, honey, riles, bitch, eliza, weirdo, trash, riley elizabeth gene (not my name) 140. no  141. once. but i was super awkward and didnt talk the enitre time amd never saw her again. i probably need theriapy  142. good 143. giving 144. racists, terfs, people who are assholes 145. 1 146. boys 147. what is that 148. my eyes :P 149. idk 150. lexi. peggy. alex. 151. early brodway era 152. yes. sometimes its a problem 153. LOL IM SINGLE  154. yess 155. yos. espisally when my friends hate it so i do it to mess with them 156. my family. talking about my life with my family. sharing things i like with my family, talking about who i like. 157. preforming 158. how i met my best friend. its a long story but ill say if anyone wants me to 159. 142 160. 3563 161. 7 162. 4641 163. i dont know 164. long 165. probably now is the longest its been. or like kindergarden lol 166. ? 167. no 168. a little 169. hell naw 170. yea.

HOLY FUCK THAT TOOK SO FUCKING LONG

thank you anon

[princecharmingtobe]

Rai tries to explain the furry fandom for non-furries for the 24963569356586th time because I have no life~

I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir posting this here, I just still often see people in the general internet being confused about or flat out wrong about what furries are and why we like the things we like. So here I go again, taking my frustrations out by making a long-winded tumblr post about it. But hey, if you’re confused by furries or know someone who is, maybe this will help idfk

Just be warned I am an ADHD motherfucker and there will be about 10x more words than necessary.

To start, What Are Furries?

Furries are simply self-identified fans of anthropomorphic animal characters.That is, a character that is an animal, but with many human characteristics. This can include speaking human language, human-like facial expressions, walking upright in a human-like way, wearing clothes, etc. Examples of anthropomorphic (or anthro for short) characters include Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Sonic the Hedgehog, Disney’s animated Robin Hood, Zootopia, and Beastars. All things in which the “animal” characters behave and express themselves like humans. Even movies like The Lion King and Balto have what would be considered “antho” characters, due to their capacity for human thought, speech, and facial expressions, though they would be in a subcategory often referred to as “feral” or sometimes “non-morphic” in which the character still moves and behaves largely like an animal.

So to reiterate, a furry is simply a self-proclaimed fan of anthro animal characters. 

Why Anthro Animals?

I mean the obvious answer is, because it’s fun. It can be really fun and get one’s creative juices flowing trying to figure out how to blend human and animal characteristics. It’s an animal that moves and acts like a human. In what ways is it like a person, and what ways is it still an animal? Popular media like Zootopia and Beastars address that question as major plot points and worldbuilding elements. But it can also be fun to think about just when creating your own characters. And aside from just figuring out how to blend characteristics, the animal aspects of a character can offer more options of expression. Ears can perk up, droop, or fold back, tails can wag, lash, or tuck between legs, growling, hissing, etc. People often use expressions comparing human behavior and emotions to animals. You ever find yourself so happy or exited you think “If I was a dog my tail would be wagging!”

And aside from being an interesting concept to think about, sometimes it’s just aesthetically pleasing.

What is a “fursona”?

Fursona is short for “furry persona”. A BIG BIG part of the fandom is original characters. If you look at a furry art website you might see some art of Judy Hops, Legoshi, Sonic, etc. But mostly you’ll see original characters. They tend to be the main focus of the fandom. Because all the things mentioned above are fun to play with, and the fandom is big on creativity and self-expression. And what good is self-expression if you don’t use it to express... yourself?  A fursona is an anthro animal representation of oneself. Basically “Me, but an [animal].” These can be an accurate representation of oneself (example: someone who is short and meek and skittish might make a mouse fursona) or a more idealized version of who you want to be (example: same short meek skittish person might instead make a lion fursona because they wish they could be more confident, strong, and outgoing). Some people even make multiple fursonas to represent different aspects of themselves (Think Thomas Sanders’ “Sanders Sides” but with fur). In the fandom, your fursona is also often how you represent yourself to others. In real life there are aspects of your appearance you can’t control, or that can be very hard to control. Your height, weight, bone structure, etc. But online as a furry, you can look like anything you want. This is also a very attractive concept to trans folk and queer people in general, which may explain why there’s such a high percentage of queer furries compared to the general population.

What is a Fursuit and Why do People Wear Them?

A fursuit is simply a costume made to look like a furry character. it is pretty much no different from cosplaying comic, anime, or video game characters, except that most of the time fursuits are of original characters instead of pre-existing ones. People wear them for fun and self-expression, just like any other costume. They differ from mascot suits in that they tend to be of higher quality, and more form-fitting and expressive. Fake furries are usually pretty easy to spot on TV because they usually end up in cheap Easter bunny costumes. 

While “fursuiters” are often the “face” of the fandom to outsiders, most furries don’t actually own a fursuit. They are expensive, cumbersome, take work to maintain, and don’t always play nice with certain health conditions and phobias. I personally am apprehensive about getting one because I worry I’ll have difficulty breathing, and I easily overheat. Others simply don’t see the appeal of dressing up. 

Do Furries Think They Are Animals?

Generally speaking: No. People often mix up furries with a subset of otherkin known as Therians. Otherkin are people who believe themselves to be in some way non-human, usually spiritually or mentally a non-human creature. Therians in particular believe themselves to be in some way a non-human animal.  Furries are on the other hand, as I said, just fans of anthro characters. While there are likely furries who are also therians, most are not. 

People who approach furry conventions to yell “You know you’re not really an animal!” at the fursuiters is about the equivalent of going to an anime convention and shouting “You know you’re not really Naruto!” at the cosplayers. 

Is Being a Furry a Big Part of a Person’s Life?

It varies, just like any other fandom. Take anime for example. Some people just watch it and maybe talk to their friends about it and that’s it. Others might go online to view fanart and read fanfic, even go to conventions. And some people fill every aspect of their life that they can with it, filling their home with merch, getting tattoos, even building careers like being a youtuber around it. The same goes for furries. For some people it never goes beyond consuming media and art, while for others it plays a big part in their day to day life.

Is it a Sex Thing? (VERY ADULT AND SENSITIVE CONTENT BELOW THIS POINT)

I won’t beat around the bush here. There IS a sexual side to the fandom, just like any other fandom. Any anime, comic, video game, TV show, book, there is a sexual side to its fandom. Furries are no different. Just like it’s easy to find anime porn, it’s easy to find furry porn. People be making porn, idk what to tell you.

“Isn’t that zoophilia?”

Some people seem to feel that way about it, but no, not really. The thing that differentiates furry porn from watching two dogs hump at the park is that the characters are anthro. They think and express themselves like people, and fans relate to them as they would with human characters.

This

is in no way the same as this

“Do people have sex in fursuits?”

Generally, no, for various reasons. 1. They are expensive and take work to maintain and keep clean, and you don’t want to get various fluids on them. 2. They can be cumbersome and get really hot and stuffy, not ideal. 3. They just aren’t made for it. They don’t usually offer access to ones’ genitals, and thus having sex in them would be rather difficult.

There ARE some people who will get suits specially made for having sex in, with holes in all the necessary places, but you’re not likely to see those out in public. Generally if you see someone walking around in public in a fursuit, you can rest assured it’s probably not been used for sex. 

“Ugh but that’s weird!”

I mean, people dress up and roleplay characters during sex all the time. Is dressing up as Krystal the Fox all that different from dressing up as Harley Quinn? And anyway, what does it matter to you what consenting adults get up to in the privacy of their own bedroom? Maybe don’t think too hard about other peoples’ sex lives.

And despite the availability of furry porn, it is not all there is to the fandom, and not everyone participates in that part of it. Heck, there are a lot of minors in the fandom, I was a tween when I was introduced to it, and the only times I was exposed to porn was when haters would “raid” our forums and spam it at us while calling US perverts, all the while being told “Hey, there are kids here!” But no we’re totally the sex-crazed perverts here right?

“I’ve Heard About Furries Who Are Bad People”

Yeah, you probably have. It’s a big fandom and inevitably some of the people in it will do bad things. Again, it’s the same for every fandom. You take any percentage of the human population, you’re going to get a few bad ones. Actual zoophiles, pedophiles, rapists, abusers. If they exist in the general population they’re going to exist in the fandom. But generally when their actions are brought to light they are driven out of our spaces, as with most fandom spaces. No group is perfect and without its bad eggs, but most of us work to keep our spaces safe.

In the end, people looking at a group from the outside tend to only see the loudest, weirdest, most outrageous members, and assume that’s what the whole group is.

[pussyeet]

Hey umm ok so I need some help please. So I thought I was bi for a while then I was like oh crap I’m pan then I was liek oh no I don’t really like boys so I’m a lesbian and now I’m like idfk what I am. But if people ask I just say I’m gay, but anyway I met this guy and I think I have feelings for him, so does that make me pan again? I’m just very confused sorry ;~;

Heeeey fam it's totally fine to be struggling with your identity. You are obviously confused by all the mixed feelings you have and I think you should take your time to think about it. Don't stress yourself too much, you don't need to label yourself unless it makes you feel better. Still, I think you should spend some time thinking about what KIND of attraction you feel towards boys: if you'd ever date one, or feel sexually attracted to them, or if you just find them aesthetically pleasing. Go make some research about compulsory heterosexuality on the internet, it might come in handy!

Also remember that you are VALID no matter what.

[littlemulattokitten]

Dating App Conundrums

Alright so I’ve been planning to do this for a while, and may make a thing out of it just to chronicle the adventure from single to hopefully not, but who knows. 

Basically I decided to research a few dating apps and try them out, since I’m the type of person who’s content to stay home, but also only likes going out with a friend or small group (not alone) - therefore my chances of meeting people are probably in the negatives without dating services like the ones I’m currently on.

This post will probably end up being both a review of some of these apps as well as a master shitpost detailing the adventures of a straight female attempting to find a straight male to date online. And I know Tumblr well enough that at least half the people who read this will have yet another reason to be proud of their not straight orientation. Because good fucking lord the nonsense I’ve seen.

Storytime begins below the cut. This isn’t going to be short. That’s your warning. It will probably be funny at some points though. It’s funny to live it, at least. And I may break it into parts, Idk yet.

Let’s get a few things out of the way first.

Until this experiment, I’d never used dating apps ever. I knew of them. Hated them on principle (dislike them even more now, but we’ll get into that later) and wanted nothing to do with them. I knew a few people who were happily married to a Match.com or OKCupid match but aside from that – I’d never even downloaded Tinder like everyone else I knew in HS and college.

I haven’t actually dated anyone since my first semester of college. On purpose. I broke off my engagement to my elementary school sweetheart (thankfully we are still good friends and our friendship recovered from that near disaster) and I just wanted to focus on myself for a while.

The small handful of relationships I have had that lasted longer than 6 months taught me a lot about what I want in my ideal mate. The one or two less-than-6-months-barely-relationships I had in high school taught me A LOT about what I will never put up with from people.

My “type” isn’t reflective of my dating history. I’ve gotten to the point with these apps where I’m combining their shallow-indorsing metrics with my own personal preferences. Basically going through an aesthetic checklist then scanning through their profile to see if the actual person is equally pretty.

Spoiler, I have to swipe left A LOT.

I’m a very particular person. I’m very introverted and I hate when someone makes conversation harder than it has to be. I can hold a conversation. I just refuse to be the only one putting effort into it. (This makes more sense later)

I’m beyond fed up with dating app culture but my perfect or close enough to perfect guy has gotta exist so most of my accounts will remain I fucking guess.

I’m not necessarily looking for Mr. Forever. I’ll gladly keep him if I find him, but I’m also not looking for a relationship that I know will be temporary. I don’t do things by halves. I want something solid, whether it lasts forever or not depends on a lot of things.

I CAN’T EMOTIONALLY MULTITASK. I can really only give one person my full interest and attention at a time, which doesn’t bode well for these apps bc you gotta be able to bounce form one to the next no matter how excited you were about someone. These apps fucking suck.

Okay. Now let’s begin properly.

I started with Bumble. Yes. I know. Introverted female starting on a dating app that requires her to make the first move. That can’t go badly right.

I damn near have a panic attack every time I get a match I stg. Anyway.

I was skeptical at first. I’m not huge on people knowing a lot about me from the outset (or I wasn’t - i give so much less of a fuck now bc it makes almost no difference on these things) so my profile was pretty threadbare and cold. Now, a few weeks later, my profile is an efficient snapshot with a splash of Slytherin “Don’t fucking test me.”

Did I mention I’m an INTJ Scorpio? Yeah my entire approach is gonna scream that and my Hogwarts house, just you wait.

Round 1 ~ Bumble 🐝🍯

Okay so Bumble is interesting. For those who don’t know, it’s basically Beehive-Themed Tinder except for heterosexual couples, the lady has to initiate conversation. (Either party in a same sex match can message first) She has 24 hours from the point where her and a fella have “matched” to do so, then he has 24 hours to respond and seal the match – ending the time limits.

Bumble also gives you a rough estimate of how far away someone is sometimes. I’ve read articles about how bumble’s location estimate feature has ruined relationships forged through bumble and generally turned women into paranoid psychos over matches. Can. Fucking. Confirm. It’s the most annoying thing ever. Why?

Android vs Apple. That’s literally why.

The way Bumble’s location service is supposed to work is that everytime you open the app, it updates your location based on your phone or computer’s location. As far as I can tell, that’s exactly how it works on my android phone.

Apple users. Y’all are a problem. Not because I give a shit about your iPhone, I don’t give a shit do you ffs, but IOS location permissions can allow apps to update your location without the app being open.

Reread that for me.

Without. The app. Being. Open.

Which basically means if you match checks your profile, they can tell whether you’re where you were when they swiped right (say, 26 miles away) versus, oh idfk, a whole state or two away.

Real specific example I know. Why? Because I ended up unmatching a guy I REALLY wanted to get to know better because of it.

Though, to be fair, guys are really lax about how they behave on these apps in my opinion, which is a bigger problem than the stupid IOS setting.

Allow me to explain.

Dating App Etiquette 

It barely exists, but it should. Here’s the thing. On these apps, you basically swipe right on a pretty face and left on one you’re not interested in waking up to in the morning or sitting on. I’m only being half funny here. I’m convinced people use dating apps more for hookups than their intended purpose. Which, whatever, but for fuck’s sake make BumbleHookup. There’s BumbleDating, DumbleFriends, and BumbleNetwork or whatever. Just make BumbleDTF so we can filter these people out already.

BACK TO THE SINFULLY ATTRACTIVE AND INTERESTING DUDE I UNMATCHED

I’m still kinda peeved about this. In part at myself, but also just in general.

Most people seem to treat Bumble like Tinder. They don’t fill out their profile hardly at all. Have less than 3 pictures, have pictures that make it unclear who’s profile it is, or – my least favorite thing that is almost 100% regional – THEY REALLY FUCKING THINK A PICTURE OF THEM IN SUNGLASSES HOLDING A FUCKING FISH THEY JUST CAUGHT IS ATTRACTIVE. IT IS NOT. THAT’S NOT WHAT THE PICTURES ARE FOR. JUST SAY YOU LIKE TO FISH IN YOUR FUCKING PROFILE BECAUSE IF I HAVE TO LOOK AT ONE MORE MOTHER FUCKING FISH-

I’ve seen a lot of fish in the last few weeks. Like. So many that I’m basically auto swiping left if someone’s profile has less than 4 pictures and one or more contains a stupid fucking fish.

LOOK AT MY FUCKING USERNAME. LITTLEMULATTOKITTEN. IF A SELF-IDENTIFYING CAT TRAPPED IN A HUMANS BODY SAYS THERE’S TOO MANY FUCKING FISH – THERE ARE TOO MANY MOTHER FUCKING FISH.

I can guarantee this won’t be my last fish rant. You don’t understand how many fucking fish I’ve seen.

BUT THIS GUY DIDN’T HAVE ANY FISH IN HIS PROFILE.

So he already had my fucking attention. He was also startlingly handsome – not in a oh you exist off puss and nothing else there’s no other way someone as pretty as you with a penis could exist – but like “Oh. I’d…really like to look at that forever and sit on it if you’ll let me please.”

NOT ONLY DID I FIND HIM THAT ATTRACTIVE BUT HE SWIPED RIGHT ON ME TOO AND READ ENOUGH OF MY PROFILE TO ASK ME A QUESTION FROM THE LOWER HALF OF IT.

I was freaking the fuck out excited.

And frankly the odds of him seeing this are so fucking low that I’ll go ahead and tell you some specifics about the short convo we had, but nothing that could lead anyone back to him obviously.

He’d lived in my home state. First thing he asked was which city I was from. Then he guessed, claiming that guess was based off a beanie I was wearing in my second to last (I think) image available on my profile.

He’d lived in my home CITY. Which means he was familiar with the CULTURE. And would probably GET ME MORE THAN MOST GUYS IN MY AREA.

He worked in an industry/field I knew about and had almost gone into myself.

He was so fucking attractive. I have yet to come across someone who checked ever preliminary shallow box on my want list.

Biceps. Listen. We’re all a little shallow. Biceps do to me what ass and tiddy do to some guys. It’s one of the few really fucking strong visual things I have, followed by dark hair and blue eyes. But he was something of a gym rat, for sure, and I’d gladly torture myself at the gym if that man was going to be in my line of sight at all during the process.

Seriously. I’ve never seen someone who didn’t look like they had to be famous or an alien that made me go “He’s so pretty I want to cry.” EVER. I WANT TO CRY THINKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE WE’RE NOT MATCHED ANYMORE.

And last but not least – like almost every fucking match I’ve ever made, I could count his replies on one hand before he went radio silent.

So, how does this relate to that location issue, you may ask.

Because I didn’t fucking know that Bumble could update your location on some devices without you opening the app.

There’s no online/activity indicator for Bumble except their location updating. Which, when you’re really excited to get to know someone and they suddenly vanish, but they’re more likely than not still online, you might start to feel like you’ve been put on hold.

Life stuff, yes, makes sense, I get it. But these apps have push notifications (which can be buggy) and if you’ve matched with someone, odds are you’re interested enough to check back on occasion (unless you aren’t). So it quickly became a worry game.

Because, like I said, I can’t just say “I’m excited about you, but I’ll keep browsing”. I don’t work that way. Unless I’m not excited about someone, then yeah I’ll keep scatter-shotting. But if I’m not excited to get to know someone why the fuck would I swipe right.

Anyway. After a few days of silence, I was disappointed and getting bitter and the few proverbial bones I’d thrown him had gone unanswered. I knew I was overthinking it and letting my own insecurities get to me a bit, but at the end of the day, there’s a few general courtesies that should exist in online dating culture that don’t.

Why people are afraid or hesitant to say they’re too busy to respond much in their profiles is beyond me. Some guys have the right idea announcing that they’re bad at checking the app and offering their snapchat or telling matches to ask for it.

But even if you’re testing the waters with another match, we’re all on this app for the same fucking reason. Say so. I’m not the kind of person who will need to, because I don’t operate that way on these apps, but I would. Because if that person is really bothered by you finding out if you’re more compatible with someone you matched with prior to them, that tells you something about them.

Would I have been disappointed if that had been the case with this guy? Yeah, kinda. I probably would have felt like his second choice at best, even if he’d come back to chatting with me. But that’s how these fucking apps are designed. Buckle up or unmatch. Fuck your emotions and self-esteem.

I unmatched for my sanity, because that happened a few days into this whole experiment and I wasn’t on any other sites yet. I wasn’t really prepared to deal with this whole thing yet and I didn’t know what to expect. I felt like shit and decided that if he showed up in my feed again, maybe I’d super swipe him (paid extra special right swipe that tells them you REALLY like their face and whatever) but I still don’t know what I’ll do if he does. 

Lowkey hoping it was all a misunderstanding and whatever but like, not at all holding out for that because what are the fucking odds.

And again, my disappointment stems mostly from the fact that I was really excited to get to know him. The idea of finding someone on this stupid app in less than a week who wasn’t forcing his fish pictures in my face, would absolutely be the type of person to encourage my own wellness goals, and who was obviously smart because of his career path, was such an exciting thought. If we’d hit it off and gotten along really well, I’d have been so many levels of shocked and overwhelmingly happy that I just don’t know what I’d do.

When someone who looks like they’re 100% your type actually reads your profile and swipes right – you get excited. I was really excited. I’m still a little sad/disappointed, but I’m basically over it.

Other Misc. Things I’ve Learned On Bumble and other Dating Apps As a Relationship Seeking User

Take every profile with a grain of salt unless it’s so blatantly straightforward. And then still toss a pinch in.

The pretty pretty pretty buff boys who look like their players but their profiles claim they want a relationship? Odds are still players. They will try to convince you there’s 10 inches in their pants. They clearly aren’t smart enough to know that’s biologically uncomfortable for females and the best way to end up in the emergency room with a ruined cervix so don’t even swipe right. They’ll just ask for nudes.

People who use dating sites have some odd, hive mind fixation with The Office.

“Jim looking for his Pam” is in most profiles. I’m not sure why. References to The Office or mentions of The Office are about as common as all the stupid fucking fish.

I live in the wrong part of the country to find guys I’m actually going to share interests with. Just wait until I tell you about my experience so far on OK Cupid. I literally won’t find anyone where I live unless they’re from somewhere culturally similar to where I was born and are willing to move back with me. Because I am not fucking staying in the land of the god damn fish forever.

Most people don’t look at religion and politics like I do. Which is “You do you, I’ll do me, we won’t talk about it and we can peacefully do each other.” I don’t fucking care if your politics contradict mine if that’s the only thing we have not in common. Just make it a blacklisted subject and don’t let one frankly insignificant difference of opinion ruin an entire relationship or potential relationship. And same with religion. I’m not even a little religious. I don’t care if my future husband is unless it’s in my face constantly, he tries to “convert me”, get me to go to church with him, or some other blatant disrespect of my own religious standing. You worship whatever you want. I’ll right fanfiction about magic demon princes fucking their human-born demon queen every which way to Sunday. If religion is that big of a fucking deal for you, be upfront about it. Most people are in their bios. Either way, I’m really fucking sick of people who put too much weight into these two things like they actually decide how compatible you are with someone unless you let them.

I fucking hate fish.

Dating apps need more filters and ways to narrow down searches. 90% of the filters already present are shallow as all hell. What’s a few more.

Primarily let me filter out a few NAMES. This sounds super picky, but I have a really big family. 7 uncles. Over 20 cousins including the few cousins of mine who have kids. There’s a few names that would just be weird and awkward for me to associate with a significant other. If I could filter out my stepdad’s first name (which is disgustingly common but still), my biological father’s name, and a few of my uncle’s names, that’d be fucking swell. You already let me filter by religion and race. Let me filter out some fucking names damnit.

And there have to be people who have traumatic associations with names too like?????

The Office is a funny, good show and all but WHY IS EVERYONE ON THESE APPS FUCKING OBSESSED WITH IT THE WAY I’M OBSESSED WITH HARRY POTTER. I’VE SEEN IT. IT’S NOT **THAT** FUCKING FUNNY. SOMEONE EXPLAIN.

YOU HOLDING A DEAD FISH ISN’T FUCKING ATTRACTIVE SIR. THIS ISN’T THE SHAPE OF WATER. SHOW ME YOUR FACE NOT YOUR FISH.

The dating apps that are probably actually worth using all require a paid subscription.

There’s no real way to advertise that you find sex and physical intimacy very important in a relationship without making yourself sound like a cock-thirsty whore. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, you do you, but I’m looking for someone to be a slut FOR, I’m not one already and I dislike not being able to be upfront about that without being profiled or attracting fuckboys.

WHY CAN I NOT FILTER OUT PROFILES THAT CONTAIN IMAGES OF FISH

STOP WITH THE FUCKING FISH COUNTRY BOYS. ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR SOMEONE TO KEEP TRACK OF YOUR TACKLEBOX? AND DON’T TELL ME THAT’S THE SAME THING, MY FAMILY IS COUNTRY. IT AIN’T THE SAME FUCKING THING. ALL THAT FISH TELLS ME IS THAT YOU’RE PROBABLY COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING.

Judging by the few fish-fucks with their profiles filled out at all – they’re compensating for personality.

With how shallow the filters on these sites are, just go ahead and fucking add eye color, hair, etc. Seriously. If you’re gonna let me be shallow enough to only pick men of a certain ethnicity, and religion, you may as fucking well let me see if I can find a guy with blue eyes, biceps, dark hair, non religious, who doesn’t want kids without reading every fucking profile I come across.

There are way more guys on these sites who want or think they want children some day. This baffles me. But then again my primary reason for not wanting children is pregnancy and giving birth which wouldn’t be their problem so of course they want them.

I just need to auto left-swipe if I see a fish. These apps are shallow anyway. Do not make a fucking fishing joke just because I said shallow.

OK Cupid has a better matching system than Bumble and such, but it’s still irritating as all hell. You can’t choose question categories that are more important. So if I see a 91% match, but he has no sex questions filled out or our sexual compatibility is like…50%...that’s not REALLY a 91% match for me. Let me mark 2 or 3 question categories as priority for fucks sake.

The bulk of guys on these apps fall into 2 categories (for me anyway) – Not enough giveadamn to explain their presence on the site & thank u, next.

Online dating is disappointing as fuck.

I’m seriously going to lose my mind if I can’t get away from the fucking fish pictures. ENOUGH. I GET IT. I NEED TO MOVE.

Seriously – I. Need. To. Move. Back. Home. I am not meant for this part of the country. These good ole boys are meant for someone but it ain’t me and my family is fucking country. I’ve been fishing, ridden 4-wheelers, made shit out of wood for shits and giggles, helped my grandparents in the garden, eaten deer my grandfather or uncles hunted and prepared, helped chop wood, ridden in the bed of a truck, etc etc etc. But ya bitch has lifestyle goals that only include mud at scheduled times. We can go camping, but we should also go out to dinner sometimes and go clubbing or dancing other times.

I was not born with this ass to settle for a man who looks like an angel and acts like one too. Why is no one non-ironically blunt about their sexual preferences?  You cannot convince me that the majority of men lack strong opinions on this subject. SERIOUSLY. IT IS 2019 NOT 1619. God DAMNIT. You’re on a DATING SITE. THAT’S AN ASPECT OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT CAN MAKE OR BREAK THEM. BE STRAIGHTFORWARD.

It’s not even actually about sharing every interest. I don’t give a shit if he doesn’t like Harry Potter much. If he’s annoyed by the level I like it, yeah that’s an issue. Otherwise, be supportive and kind about that kinda shit. That’s all I’m asking for. That’s how I am in return.

I make shit with yarn, write off the wall fanfiction, have a lot of sexual interests I don’t usually broadcast, and don’t understand how dating sites are still this ineffective in 2019.

This is super long already so I’m gonna save the other apps for a separate installment if this one is enjoyed or whatever. Jesus. These apps, guys.

Apps I still need to talk about that probably won’t require this many words each – Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, OkCupid (OkC might need a few thousand words).

I’ll probably look into some other niche dating sites too because at this point, what the fuck ever - I just wanna meet someone back home or willing to move back home with me who fits some reasonable criteria parameters. And I’m not even as picky as half the profiles I’ve seen, lemme tell ya. I’m just fucking opinionated. And beyond sick of this experiment already.

Sigh.

If I ever see a fish again it’ll be too soon. Bet the first profile picture on my bumble dash later will be another fucking fish though.

Those who expressed interest: @accio-echo  |  @infallibleangel  | @aconitumluparia  and those who liked are my followers so you’ll see it. This post is so long my browser is bugging out with tags or I’d tag you all too.

[ashton-slashton]

no hate here jus curious but how can u be gay polyam and aro/ace when u don’t experience sexual or romantic attraction :/

Okay so ngl, when I get an ask like this (which I haven't in a while because I have anon turned off), my immediate instinct is just

So I searched your blog and found that there didn't seem to be anything aphobic on there (but also like literally nothing about ace/aro people at all despite all the other pride stuff), so I'm... giving you the benefit of the doubt and trusting that you genuinely are curious (though that slanty face is making my fight or flight response go off).

I'll preface this by also adding: I haven't really gone into the details of my sexuality except with close friends and my partner. But since you asked, here it is.

The short version is: idfk man, attraction and sexuality (especially in relation to my gender) is weird and I just kinda throw the words together that I feel suit me best.

The long version, which I pray to God you actually read, is: Just like many other things, sexual/romantic attraction is on a spectrum and can oftentimes be a complex, nebulous thing. It isn't always as simple as "I'm gay" & "I'm straight" and so on and so forth.

I do not experience sexual attraction irl. In theory, it seems great! I do actually have a libido (I kinda wish I didn't tbh but c'est la vie). But in practice, in my experience (which is BY NO MEANS UNIVERSAL), both sexual attraction and the act of having sex just... isn't for me. The second I'm in a position where sex is a possible outcome, I fuckin' bounce. Can't do it. Any attraction I may have had just yeets the fuck out.

I do not experience romantic attraction. But my repulsion of it is no where NEAR as bad as my sex repulsion. In fact, it's almost like the aromantic equivalent of being sex-positive.

I experience platonic and aesthetic attraction, buuuut the catch is that I mostly experience that with guys or masc-leaning nb folks. I myself am transmasc/agender (really heavily masc-leaning nb). So hence the gay part. It feels more succinct than having to explain what I just explained. This is not to say that gals are off limits, but like. My attraction to women irl is usually so slim that it's negligible.

And now for the polyam thing. I am currently in a relationship. My partner has the same orientation that I do (except he id's as bi aro ace). We share a close intimate bond that can't really be described with romance or sexual attraction, but it is not lesser than any of those things. We describe our relationship as queerplatonic. We hope to get married one day. He is also polyam. We both, at some point in our lives, would like an addition to us. We feel like that would be very good for us, and we just have... so much love in us to restrict it to just each other. It's not a necessity for US to be in a relationship. If we never find that third person, it won't be the end of the world, or our relationship for that matter. But it's still an important part of our identity.

So yeah. That's about the best way I can verbalize all of this. I don't really think I missed anything. Me saying I'm gay aro ace and polyam outright is more succinct than going into a whole lecture about the complexities of my orientation and attraction, as well as semantics. The only way I can be more succinct is to say that I'm queer, but that's met with a lot of hostility on this sad excuse for a website.

I apologize if I seem cold, but please be willing to understand that usually when I'm sent stuff like this, there's an underlying malice. There's a reason why I turned anon off a long time ago (including but not limited to death/rape threats exclusive to my orientation/gender and antisemitism).

I am wary, but I hold no ill-will towards you, so long as you don't hold any towards me.