#is holistic even the word im looking for. idk.

[tiredlinguist]

the thing is. the thing Is

this is why i implemented The Rules. this is why i made them. to stop myself from doing what i soooo wanna do.

[scoobydoodean]

the thing is i do think dean does misogynistic things i just think counting bitches isnt the way to accomplish analyzing his misogyny. like demon dean did a Bunch of misogyny and this is depicted as unusual for dean because it's primarily when he's a demon, and im not talking about using bitch hes fully calling a woman a slut and treating her like garbage. but the thing is i would actually like to hear similar instances of that coming from non-demon dean's mouth (and im sure they exist, 10x22 and 10x23 don't count to me because he was very obviously deep under the thrall of the mark of cain), but everyone is so focused on counting the number of "bad words" while not approaching any other character that way.

like sam viewing any character that sleeps with dean as a sloppy messy person is legitimately an instance of misogyny to me, even when he calls ruby a bitch im not taking it that seriously bc every character calls other characters the word "bitch" and personally that word doesn't bother me that much (maybe that means i've failed as a woman idk).

but i really struggle thinking of instances where dean is misogynistic to a woman like that, while in his right mind.

unrelated: this is why sam doesn't like castiel, bc he views him as sloppy and messy for wanting to fuck dean.

"does this mean he's being misogynistic to castiel" yes because that's funny to say.

lmaooo misogynistic to castiel CANCEL HIM!!!

This post may be of interest.

As for season 10 demon Dean/MoC Dean, it's actually really interesting when you look at everything holistically, because it isn't as simple as saying MoC/Demon Dean says/does some misogynistic things. He does do that undoubtably. Yet he's also very specifically angry at and violent toward men who mistreat women.

When Demon Dean sees a man (perhaps an ex boyfriend) mistreating Ann Marie (and we get the vibe that this man is stalking her) Demon Dean beats the fuck out of him. When Crowley asks Demon Dean to handle a contract for him, Demon Dean immediately clocks that the client (Lester) who wants his wife murdered cheated on his wife first and now wants her dead for cheating back. Demon Dean climbs into Lester's car and points this out to him. When Lester says "It's different when guys do it", Demon Dean rolls his eyes, scoffs, and then punches Lester in the face so hard it knocks out his tooth, then he murders him, breaking the contract he was supposed to fulfill. When a group of men try to traffic Claire, MoC Dean ends up blacking out and slaughtering all of them. When MoC Dean realizes in "Girls, Girls, Girls" that he's on a date with prostitute who wants payment for sex, though we know Dean isn't necessarily against sex work in general, he instantly clocks that Shaylene is not happy with the situation she's in, and his gentle tone when he says she doesn't look like she actually loves her job leads her to open up to him about being forced into sex work by demons. When MoC Dean finds a man who hurt Claire in 10.20, who then proceeds to call her a bitch in defense of his actions, MoC Dean slams his head into a table for insulting her. While MoC Dean's handling of the case of the dead girl 10.22 is clearly delivered through a misogynistic lens, just by looking at a photo, he clocks her father as having abused her and ends up blaming him for what happened to his daughter (and I'll come back to this in a moment).

So we have demon dean telling the woman he's sleeping with that he sleeps with every skank in every small town dive he passes through (which btw—is not even remotely true of regular Dean), and Demon Dean getting grabby with a stripper, and MoC Dean in 10.23 at first victim blaming a murder victim because of the clothes she was wearing, but then we also have... all of the rest of this. And if we look at all of it together, there's much deeper and more interesting questions here than "Is Demon Dean/MoC Dean a misogynist or not and what does that say about regular Dean if anything".

I think we're actually getting insights into 1) Amara's rage at Chuck working through Dean's hands, causing him to react violently to men who imprison/cage the women in their lives physically or psychologically. 2) Amara's rage exacerbating Dean's feeling about his own history with sexual abuse and his problems with John. In 10.09, the same episode where Dean kills the traffickers who targeted Claire, he tells Cas a story (at Sam's behest) about a time he was drugged in a club by adults as a teenager. He snuck out looking for a good time, and he probably figured sex wasn't off the table when a group of women invited him to join their table, and he joined them enthusiastically. He was not cognizant of the fact that a group of adults showing interest in someone who was "way underage" was a blinking neon sign screaming "run". He was plied with alcohol and drugged, and it's made pretty transparent that he would have been raped (and maybe killed or trafficked too) if John had not followed him. Cas concludes that John "saved" Dean, and Dean agrees with that framing at the time, and admonishes his younger self for yelling at his father for "embarrassing" him when he put himself in a foolish situation. In 10.23, MoC Dean encounters the case of a girl who snuck out to meet someone for sex and was kidnapped by a monster. When he first sees her corpse, he says she shouldn't have worn the outfit she had on (and we already know this is completely ooc for regular Dean). But as MoC Dean learns more about the case and when he meets her father, his view of the situation shifts. I created a gifset comparing this scene with the one from 10.09 because I think there's a really interesting connection here. The girl's father suggests that his daughter going out looking for sex would make her a slut. MoC Dean responds, "I'll admit that thought crossed my mind. Then I came here, and I smelled the deceit and the beatings and the shame that pervade this home. And you know what? I don't blame Rose anymore. No wonder she put on that skank outfit and went out there looking for validation, right into the arms of the monster that killed her." His word choices are colorful and carry negative connotations, but he's actually defending her decisions, and at the same time, I think he's reflecting on his own decision as a kid to go out in search of validation to a club where he was nearly raped. It isn't her fault and it wasn't his fault. Their fathers mistreated them and blamed them and failed them, and they went out looking for someone—anyone—to show them care they were starved for.

In the same way, when Demon Dean has this exchange with Ann Marie in 10.01:

ANNEMARIE: I wait tables at a roadhouse. I meet the bad guys. I meet the good guys. And maybe for a second there, I thought you were a good guy playing bad. I don't know. It doesn't matter. Maybe you're just -- DEAN: The kind of guy who sleeps with every skank in every small-town dive that he passes through? Well, you really do know how to read people, 'cause that sure as hell sounds like me.

His language doesn't just suggest she's a skank—it suggests he's a skank. He engages in casual hook ups, and therefore he is a bad person, and she shouldn't look for any sort of redeemable qualities in him. These things obviously aren't true—neither Dean nor Anne Marie are "sullied" by their sexual histories, and their interest in casual sex doesn't make them bad people, but that's one of the narratives of the world Demon Dean accepts at the beginning of the season. By the end of the season, MoC Dean rejects this narrative about him and people like him. The desire for connection through sex doesn't make someone bad or deserving of harm.

[credulouscanidae]

every day i live in a passive limbo, waiting for the moment i suddenly feel better and can confront my anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness.

i feel like i have been shattered, and left in pieces with no glue to be put back together.

every day my existentialism and history of being gaslit dominates my brain and i can never make sense of my thoughts and feelings. i am constantly second-guessing myself, and implanting intentions that weren't previously there. i feel like i am required to have constant self-awareness, and to not have so means that i am Obviously Insane and Unsalvagable.

people on the outside would think im just a very holistic thinking person. which is true, and can be a good thing. but honestly? it's detrimental to how i perceive myself. i cannot unabashedly live in the moment of anything. i am, by default, viewing myself from a third person perspective in a hyper critical way. i feel afraid to fall into any category of people or labels, because to claim anything about myself is felt to either be a lie, a mockery of people who are "really" that thing, or it's attention seeking (which of course is the worst thing you could ever do right?)

even claiming to be existential causes a fear and anxiety that i am being pretentious or not self aware that it's a very human experience. my detachment from the world, my trauma, my existentialism, none of it is important or matters because others experience it too.

i cannot begin to describe what gaslighting does to the brain.

what it's done to me.

i dont even wanna claim ive become very isolated because others also experience it. id say the lockdowns from 2020-2021 triggered this, but i think more and more and realise that i wouldve done this when my mum died, or even earlier had i not had a confident person with friends take me under their wing.

i feel my whole life has come into question. i feel like my old home, my old life, my friends and pet and loved ones, dont exist anymore. i feel like im a dead person, looking back on their life and realising who i really was. all the mistakes and inconsiderate behaviours i ever done. it just fuels the fire of the gaslit brain.

everything i ever do or feel is a contradiction. i dont matter to others, but i also have more of an impact on others than i realise. the impact i have matters more than what im ever feeling, and for me to not be self aware of that clearly demonstrates how selfish and horrible i truly am.

maybe it's why people think im such a giving, non-judgemental, and sweet person. im not. im angry. im subjugated. im frightened. like a deer in the headlights, i have no choice. im easygoing and agreeable because i am scared of disagreeing or giving my thoughts through normal debate. because doing so in the past has caused assumptions about me, or intentions skewed or created. my words did not matter, but also they did.

i dont know how to just. start talking to people again. i have been given advice from people who have dealt with isolation but. i know the secret is to challenge yourself and do things even when you dont feel ready, because youll never feel ready, but how? i have lost so much. i dont have the support i need to do something so brave. because i am a coward who avoids and runs away. thats probably manipulative for me to do anyway. ive dug myself into a hole i cant climb out of. ive literally made it worse for myself for no reason. and now i cant even face the consequences of my own inaction.

but why would i wish for people to be there for me when i cant even be there for them? i know i would be there for them, in a heartbeat, but i cannot right now. thats selfish and manipulative to say i guess but. it's not fair that others dont get considered as a result of me not considering myself. mental illness makes you selfish. it makes you not a good friend.

i want to be a real friend.

dont wanna break when i bend.

.....

i have a therapist im gonna be seeing every 2 weeks. if this doesnt work out, then idk what i'll do. i have settled for the most part, and when life feels good, when my roots are grounding and growing in england, it feels good. i dont have many friends here, but i am happy with my partner and his friends, but it feels like i have so many loose ends and a life i have left behind that i cant face. and i am guilty when i experience happiness, let alone share it. because that doesnt align with my narrative that im suffering. which i am, but, i am also trying to survive and live in the life i currently have.

i guess that's what happens to the gaslit brain.

but i have to believe things will get better.

because if i don't

then what?

[oh-katsuki]

dont feel inclined to share! i just had to spew this word vomit to someone bc literally none of my friends watch aot~

but alas, sometimes i feel so fawking DUMB bc i used to be one of those eren stans that would blindly defend eren despite what he did in liberio. and this was around dec 2020/jan 2021 ://. BUT THAT CHANGED THOUGH THE MORE I READ INTO THE SERIES THANK FUCK. i think that was majorly bc i didn't want to come to terms that he was MEANT to be the worst fucking person and villain at the end of aot that brought on the demise of many. especially since the series followed his story and his aspirations/goals from the very first episode i felt inclined to stay on the "same side".

there's still a little piece in me that still likes eren as a character (ewwy i know :p). but i find that its important for a majority of eren stans (god, esp the ones on tiktok that are like "lawyering up to protect eren every Sunday<3" no. ur missing the point. he's not meant to be defended despite the outcomes of his actions. even EREN stated how he knew what he has done he couldn't ever be forgiven for) - to understand that blindly defending and dismissing his wrongs hinders his role as the antagonist/anti-hero (which he is now) and is just straight-up weird.

where was i going with this? honestly idfk SORRYlolol, but i read every single stance/take that you have of eren and honestly seeing it from the perspective of someone who doesn't like him is eye-opening and honestly if anything aids in like further understanding his character? like its good to see both sides of the coin! idk but i hope you get what I'm trying to say?

TLDR; I'm not good with words but i just wanted to say your opinions on eren are mwah and valid. ALSO I HOPE YOU GET UR NECK TATTOO EVENTUALLY U'D LOOK SO FUCKING GOOD WITH IT ♡♡♡♡

HI HI HI OKAY IM SORRY IM RESPONDING TO THIS SO LATE BUT I HAD TO GATHER MY THOUGHTS.

u made so many good points here and articulated it in a way i couldn't before!!

lemme just start this by saying that sometimes blindly defending a character is fun and ik that most of the time its for shits n gigs (and it does, indeed, make me gig). like i like eren as a character. I think he's interesting and well written and his struggle is a really nuanced one that makes him fun to watch. I just don't like him as a PERSON. like he just grates on my dislike button.

that being said... YES. exactly. I think that blindly defending eren because you like him / think he's hot takes away from the actual story of aot and the genius that is his character. eren essentially became his own enemy. it's tragic and ik it's sad to see a fave character go bad but he's meant to be the antagonist. i think (personally) that blindly defending him and his actions absolutely takes away from the experience of watching aot, a show in which good and bad is incredibly nuanced.

morality in aot in general is a bit shoddy because they live in a world in which being morally good essentially means standing by and doing nothing. that being said, it takes away from eren's character arc to describe him as either holistically good or holistically bad because he is neither. he's a boy with too much responsibility and a personality too brash for the burden passed onto him, and it resulted in him committing atrocities.

i just think you're right. seeing eren as the anti-hero / antagonist he is makes watching the show a MILLION times more enriching (for me personally).

I'm glad that my dislike of eren didn't take away what i meant for you / helped you experience the show in a different way 😭😭😭bc tbh i was just being a bitch to him for funsies LOLL

[37q]

went to a queer student union meeting and i met(?) this girl that i feel like ive met before?? i approached the hallway outside the room and she saw me and smiled really big and i think she waved ?? but i didnt remember her so i didnt wave back because i thought she mustve been waving at someone behind me. anyways we, coincidentally, sat near each other -- not next to each other but one seat away -- and I think we really vibed with each other the whole time somehow. i say somehow because typically you dont make eye contact with people directly to your right, right? wrong, we managed to make eye contact dozens of times, sometimes they were like really intense eye contacts like in the middle of us talking, as if we were talking just to each other. i dont know why i noticed this but her pupils were fuckin blown wide, and i also noticed that she seemed to keep giving me, like, looks. looks that i couldnt ascertain anything from. she was so hot and so pretty and so so bisexual. i kept getting the feeling like she knew me, or i should know her. i feel guilty because theres no recognition in my brain.

the topic of the day was "what is love?" -- DONT even think it -- and everybody gave their feelings on love. it was really beautiful, actually. everyones perspectives were fun, difficult, complex, silly, and so personally valuable. i limited myself to making 4 statements. i was saddened because, judging from peoples reactions to my words, i was apparently speaking a lot of unique wisdom for these people. i say saddened because it saddens me to know that my words were likely their first introduction to śūnyatā doctrine, which has helped so many people for so many eons. i tried not to get too explicitly buddhist, but once the aforementioned girl brought up division in a community centered around love i couldnt help but bring up "love"-as-attachment, life between each moment, the complexity of emptiness beyond what is possibly conceptualizable, etc etc. i sound holier-than-thou, and this is why im reluctant to bring up any instance of sharing my wisdom! i dont want to come off as patronizing or condescending, but sometimes i do become proud that i said something that made someone heavily consider their worldview. the girl, in my peripheral vision, was giving me SUCH a look, not like negative or anything like that but more like... idk.

i guess, in larger social functions, i operate a lot thru the eyes. i really enjoy deep eye contact, and i feel as though theres a lot of spirit thats transmitted thru the eyes. i shared some precious, long looks with some people that spoke today, and it felt so... cathartic. i dont want to assume i understood them completely just because of this eye contact, and whos to say that even any linguistic meaning can properly convey what part of our infinitely unique subjectivity we may be attempting represent, but i feel like both the orators and i gained a lot of perspective and spiritual experience from the eye contact. i like to express my focused attention via deep eye contact, and my intent to understand as holistically as possible can really be read through my face and eyes. i want people to feel how significant their words are to me, and i want people to feel how sincerely im engaging with them and their experiences.

[paper-mario-wiki]

hey yo my interview with that university i was talking about is coming up in 9 hours. im kinda stressing but also kinda confident, which i think is a good combination of things to feel.

idk why but i feel the urge to post the statement of purpose i gave to them in my admission so here it is. i think i did a good job makin myself sound like a smarty who should be given a cool visa

it’s a little late, but lemme know if i sound too up-my-own-ass while also bearing in mind that i had to make myself look like a Good Student To Accept, ya kno

A pursual of higher education has always been something I’ve wanted to steer towards in my life. Although there are plenty of jobs and opportunities that would more likely benefit from experience rather than a degree, I’ve come to find that through plenty of meditation and intrapersonal thinking that spending time at a college would be beneficial for me. When I say this, I mean that I’ve spent the past several years asking myself the question “what would make me happy?” and almost always coming to two things: Learning a new language as well as tightening my grip on my native language. This, combined with a longstanding interest in Japan and its culture, has led me to ILA.

I, personally, am very interested in writing, mainly focusing in the aspects of comedy, as well as short, digestible ideas and thoughts (if given the choice, I’d much sooner pick up a book of trivia than an encyclopedia). For these reasons, my interest in Liberal Arts is mainly invested in that of Literature and English. Allowing someone’s ideas to come to life in the mind of a reader, whether they be short or long, is an incredible and versatile tool. Discovering rules, techniques, and cliches of the language I speak is what I want to give my time up to. The prospect of travelling to a place where people from a variety of unique backgrounds come to study things like this is incredibly exciting to think about. This, of course, leads me to my next point: what about Japan, specifically, is so enticing to me?

For a very long time, likely a decade (if not longer), I’ve been interested in Japan and the aspects of its culture and history. The idea of a society which, at face value, seems to be similar to that of the western society that I have grown up in, yet subverts all expectations with a new set of unspoken rules, is so interesting to me. I hesitate to say “mysterious” when describing it because there is little-to-no mystery about it. I’d like to make it clear that I’m not interested in Japan in the same way that a child would be interested in a carnival sideshow. My interest lies, rather, in the idea of exchanging one culture, with all of its flaws and imperfections, for another culture that comes with its own brew of guidelines and problems, while also gaining or losing each of their respective benefits. I’ve spent time in Japan before, in Higashiyodogawa,Osaka, as well as Nakamura, Nagoya. During my time there I found myself feeling more at ease with a place than I have in a long time, even more so than in my own home. I feel that if I am to truly see if Japan is the kind of place I’d like to spend a lot of my life, I’d need a more full, residential experience, rather than being limited by a 2-week vacation in a space that I couldn’t truly call “my own”.

Additionally, while I am already able to use resources available to me in the US (dictionaries, textbooks, online grammar guides, and everything in-between), I won’t ever truly have a holistic Japanese learning experience unless I’m in an environment that wouldn’t allow me to slip back into the comfort of my native tongue whenever I’m not actively pushing myself. Learning a language is an important part of understanding a society and, more importantly in my case, incorporating yourself into that society. If I am to, as I said, have a full residential experience, I will absolutely have to learn the language in a natural setting. I have the building blocks, as I’ve been studying casually for a little over a year. Now all I need are the blueprints.

Throughout this entire statement I’ve been focusing on why I’d like to study at ILA. Now, however, I would like to take a moment to cover why ILA might be interested in having me in its alumni. For starters, I’m a very motivated person and when I attach myself to something I keep at it until it’s done. If I can do something in fewer sittings, I will. That said, I’m not a sloppy person when it comes to my work. I’ve been told that I’m very articulate and that I have the ability to put across complex concepts in a comprehensive way. Several of my teachers from all across my schooling career have told me that I’m very well suited to discussions, and I have a very solid, and sometimes even elegant way with words.

I also have a knack for coming up with unique ideas and interesting perspectives on things, which I feel could really show well in writing, and it has before. Through a popular blogging website, I’ve accumulated a large quantity of people - a number in the tens of thousands - who follow my blog and enjoy my ideas. This blog, as a matter of fact, actually helped fund my original trip to Japan. Through two months of campaigning, as well as doing voice-over work (a hobby of mine) for commissions, I was able to raise $3,500, which I used to take the aforementioned two-week vacation to Osaka and Nagoya. The platform also creates larger discussions and furthers the fleshing-out of any single kernel of thought that I might plant within it. This is, more than anything else, because I want to make people happy.

While I’m not the kind of person who would likely be seen on the cover of a medical magazine being celebrated as the founder of some super-medicine that could prevent a major disease, nor would I likely be seen as the head of a major rocket science corporation, I’ve found that I can still help bring people joy through my words. On countless occasions people have told me that I help them get through the day with my positive messages and jokes. The messages I’m most proud of, however, come from those who contact me telling me that I’ve convinced them that life is worth living, and that they should keep on trying. In those moments I know that what I’m doing is truly beneficial to the rest of the world, and it makes me incredibly happy.

I have high hopes for a future that might be waiting for me at ILA. Understandably, I already think about what it would be like, and what interactions I might have there. I’ve never felt as excited as I am typing this for what kind of experiences would come to me in this kind of academic setting. I find myself periodically watching the videos on ILA’s YouTube channel and thinking about how wonderful that would be for me. This kind of leap for me is something I’m very passionate about and, through my words, I hope that I’ve been able to convince you that my mind and heart are in the right place. Even more than that, I hope that I’ve been able to competently and understandably explain how and why ILA should consider me for admission this coming fall.