#irrational assumptions? i’m aware. but i just . when i’m feeling especially crazy

[salsflore]

there has to be something wrong with me 😂

[glenncoco4]

Choices

Alternate plot to 9x23

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kensi tries as best as she can to hold back her tears as she, Sam and Callen continue to layout their plan. She’s not sure if they’re tears of anger or sadness but what she does know is that she’s never felt so defeated in her life. 

Walking out the mission door, she heads to the Audi for her go bag. 

Just as she walks back into the bullpen she sees the tech operator running down the stairs. “Kens.”

She takes a deep breath, whatever he’s about to say she really doesn’t want to hear it right now. Get the kid and get back is all she’s focused on. “Not now, Eric.”

“It’s Deeks.”

“Just tell him I’m busy.” Her focus stays on the map before her as she goes over the mission plan one more time in her head.

“Kensi.”

The tone in his voice catches her off-guard and she quickly turns her attention the blonde whose got an unsettled look on his face. “What?” 

For a brief moment he’s paralyzed. He can’t get out the words that so desperately need to be spoken.

“Eric, what happened?” Kensi abandons the bullpen and is about to come up the stairs when his next words stop her in her tracks. 

“I just heard over the scanner…Deeks was driving home and his truck got t-boned by a semi.”

No. No. This is not happening. “What?”

“Kensi, I don’t-“ A ringing interrupts him, cutting him off from finishing the rest of his sentence. 

Quickly pulling her phone out of her pocket, the brunette answers, combing her fingers through her hair worriedly. “Mikey, how is he?”

“It’s not looking good, Kensi.”

She paces back and forth in front of the bullpen trying to gather as much  information as she can before getting behind the steering wheel. “Where are they taking him?”

“Cedars.”

“I’m on my way.” With out saying another word she walks as fast as she can down the tunnel. She’s got to get to him.

Callen brow furrows in concern when he sees a distraught Kensi sprint towards her car and quickly walks over to her before she has time to drive off. “What’s going on?”

Her voice shakes answering him but not turning to look at him as she hops into the drive seat. “Deeks got t-boned by a semi.”

“Go. We have this handled.”

She starts the car with one last parting before driving off into the dark early morning streets of LA. “Thanks, but I was going with or without your permission.”

XXXX

She rushes into the ER looking around the chaotic room when she finally spots him. “Oh my god.”

A frazzled nurse walks up to her alerted when she sees the tears in Kensi’s eyes. “Excuse me, miss, can I help you?”

Kensi’s eyes stay focused on Deeks’ still form as a swarm of doctors and nurses poke and prod at his body. “That’s my fiancé.”

“Oh.” 

“Is he going to be okay?”

“Right now he’s stable but they have to rush him into emergency surgery. A large piece of glass nicked his heart.”

She takes a few strides meeting the gurney as they begin wheeling him down the hallway. Taking hold of his free hand, she has to say something, something that will keep him fighting. “Deeks. Baby, I need you to fight. I need you to fight because I can’t lose you.  I love you so much. Just fight like I know-“

Before she can get another word out the heart monitor goes crazy and she’s pushed aside by a nurse as she grabs the other side of the gurney and they charge the double doors towards the OR. “He’s crashing. Code blue.”

Those are the last words she hears before he’s pushed around the corner and suddenly out of sight. Her legs give out and she crumples against the wall, burrowing her face in her hand. He can’t die. Not now, not ever. 

XXXX

She hasn’t been able to sit down for the past 2 hours. Her mind is all over the place wondering how he’s doing.

“Miss. Blye?”

She quickly spins around at the sound of her name and walks over towards the doctor. “How is he?”

The redhead woman smiles reassuringly at the brunette putting Kensi somewhat at ease. “We almost lost him but he’s stable now. As you know a piece of glass nicked his heart, luckily it wasn’t that large and we were able to close the wound fairly quick. He’s also got a broken arm and some internal bleeding, but he’s gonna make it.”

“Can I see him?”

“Gives us about 20 minutes and I’ll have a nurse bring you to his room.”

Kensi shakes the woman’s hand unbelievably grateful that the man she loves is still breathing. “Thank you, doctor.”

XXXX

6 hours later

He slowly opens his eyes, becoming aware of his surroundings and the incessant beeping in his left ear. As he scans the room his gaze stops when it lands on a the familiar head of hair and the most beautiful face he’s ever laid his eyes on. Her eyes are closed and he suddenly realizes that the last time he saw those mismatched chocolate orbs that he so deeply loves were full of tears. 

That could’ve been the last time he ever got to see her and it terrifies him. 

His eyes roam her features taking her in, her head laying on top of his hand with her ring proudly displayed on her left hand which is kinda surprising to him. 

At the feeling of movement she startles awake, tears already springing to her eyes when she sees his beautiful cerulean blues. “Shouldn’t you be in Mexico?”

“Are you insane? You almost died, why on earth would I be in Mexico right now?” She can’t hide the sadness in her voice at his assumption. How could he think for one minute that she would be off in some other country when he needed her.

“I just thought-“

“No, Deeks, no. I love you and I know we have some things to work out and we may fight some times but know this…if I ever have to choose between you and the job, I’m choosing you.”

“That didn’t seem like the case earlier.” He looks down at their intertwined fingers, his eyes focusing on her ring as he rubs his thumb across the diamonds. 

“Well, I was just frustrated earlier and…”

“And what?”

“I was scared.”

He looks up so fast that he almost gives himself whiplash. “Baby, why on earth were you scared? You have nothing to be afraid of.”

Seeing the concern in his eyes, she bites her lip worried about what might come tumbling out. “Well I was and it has everything to do with you.”

“Me?”

“You just had our whole life planned out and you started talking about having kids.”

His brow furrows he’s not really sure if its the anesthesia that’s making it hard for him to follow or what. 

“And I know you want kids, I do too.”

“You-you do?”

“Of course I do but you have to understand that it’s different for women especially women in our line of work. I love my job, you know how much I love my job.”

“I do know.”

A teary eyed smile crosses her face when he places his hand against her cheek. It may be cheesy but just the feel of his touch gives her the courage and strength to gather her feelings and tell him what’s been running around in her head for so long. “But I love you more and that scares me. Ever since my dad died I’ve only had myself to rely on and I’ve never counted on anyone else for my happiness. For a long time NCIS was my happiness, I knew that I would be content in the life I had if I got to help others, but then I fell in love with you. We got engaged and I was happy-am happy. Bringing kids into our life would make me even more happy but then while I was trying to talk to Mosley to calm her down she said something to me that struck a nerve.”

“What did she say to you?”

“I told her that maybe one day I would understand…but she took it a different way than what I meant. It rattled me because it’s happened to us before.”

Now he’s really confused. “What do you mean?”

“Remember our conversation after you got tortured?”

“The one in the bullpen?”

A soft smile crosses her features when she thinks back to that day, the good part of that day when he told her that she was what got him through probably the most painful time in his life but her smile quickly disappears at the reason for his need to focus on her. “Yeah, I said I know what you’re going through and you said you hope that I never do but a few months later I did.”

That’s when everything starts to makes sense. The way she suddenly changed her mind or rather off-put about the thought of having kids. “And you think the same thing would happen to our kid as Mosley’s.”

She looks down afraid of the disappointment that she may see in his eyes.  “I know its irrational but-“

“No, no it’s not.” His heart breaks at the smallness in her voice. He places his finger under her chin, tilting her head up so that she’ll look at him. “Don’t hit me for what I’m about to say but you sound just like a mother.”

“I do?”

“Kens, the fact that you’re worried about the wellbeing for our hypothetical child - baby, that’s what every good parent goes through. What you’re feeling is normal, I just wish you would talk to me about it.”

“What do think I’m doing now?” Her lip curls into a smirk.

He huffs a laugh. God he loves this woman. “Touché.”

There’s a beat of silence as their eyes stay locked before he finally works up the nerve to ask her. “So we’re gonna work this out?”

She shakes her head. They’re a mess but they’re a perfect mess. “We were never not gonna work this out. But I need you do something for me.”

“You know I’d do anything for you.”

“Promise you’ll be patient with me.”

He rolls his eyes because even though she’s being completely serious right now he knows she needs a good laugh. “Please, I’ve been patient with you ever since I met you.”

She scrunches her noses knowing exactly what he’s trying to do. Standing up, she scoots closer towards the head of the bed, her hand finding the scruff of his jaw. 

He lays his hand atop of her and relishes in the feel of her touch. “I need you to promise me something too.”

“Anything.”

“Promise me you’ll marry me and spend the rest of your life with me.”

This time when the tear falls down her cheek its from happiness…pure elation. She leans forward bringing her lips to his. It’s not the most passionate kiss they’ve ever had, but they have all the time in the world for that. “I can do that.”

“I love you.” He leans in for another kiss, smiling.

Once their lips part they don’t lose contact for long as she places her forehead against his. “I love you.”

[dekumidoriyall]

I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.