#irl friend is depressed and sad and theres not much i can do for them but look for resources

[dooodle-bug]

is there any place to get free online therapy anomonously? asking for a friend. (genuinely)

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

reading yaoi for the plot

recently i seemingly entirely stopped my life for a week to read the visual novel Slow Damage.

i dont really play vn’s (reading in front of my pc is HARD) nor do i read that much boys love (i am a bit of a gayboy by nature, so im not opposed to it) so what drove me to absolutely devour this one.....i honestly dont know. i would never have bought it for myself but my bestie gave it to me. so here we are.

slow damage is a game that you Could play. maybe should and maybe shouldnt. its sad and since it deals with self harm, suicidal thoughts, violence, sexual violence and rape, child abuse and just about every other bad thing you can imagine.......... man that shit can be depressing as hell. and since its a eroge, they are out there sexualizing shit they really SHOULDNT.

AND I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!! all those “fiction doesnt affect reality” talk some people do is bs in my opinion. yes, you probably wouldnt hurt people irl bc youre reading this rape scene. but YES, bad porn will still condition your brain negatively in the long run.

anyhow. slow damage is pretty damn self-aware. dont get me wrong man, i love the game so much. and yet, and yet.

its so deeply important to me how the game really pictures.... unconditional love between friends and multiple different endgames that finish the story Well for the protag. he can attain salvation and peace. whether it means never touching the wounds of his past or confronting it headfirst. either way he can go through the worst of the worst and end up better. or worse. its all so fickle but thats the good part right. mental health is very sensitive and as a chronically sick person, he is so so vulnerable. (not madarame. fuck everything to do with him. i think theres a storytelling and character study merit to his ends as well but this paragraph wasnt about them)

ive been thinking about talking about it but theres probably people who have. better more informed takes than i do. here are my 2 cents anyway

id love to talk about the ludonarrative dissonance that is a yaoi game with rape scenes taking a stance against rape

im also really intrigued by the setting; a very desensitized city with desensitized people, which we are supposed to see as sad, yet a lot of scenes are there for shock value

CAN WE TALK ABOUT GENDER. WHY IS SLOW DAMAGE SO FILLED WITH GENDER. ITS EVEN GOOD WITH GENDER. I LOVE THE AMOUNT OF GENDER IDENTITY TALK!!!!! WE LOVE TO SEE CIS PEOPLE TALK ABOUT GENDER. WE LOVE NORMALIZED DYSPHORIA TALK. BUT ALSO I LOVE HOW SENSITIVE THE TRANSLATION WAS ABOUT ITS TRANSFEM/GNC CHARACTERS

the fact that the game has an Entire big arc about gaslighting and an abusive relationship, that makes the protag really really internalize selfhate and doubt and makes that mindset smth that he wears like a protective “its just us two against the world” shield. its so sad yet so close to life

the protag, though horribly abused and traumatized, has the advantage of having a very functional very very loving support system in the form of his two best friends, one of which happens to be a doctor. can you imagine how much worse this could be. im constantly aware of it

thinking a lot about how much class plays a role in the last route and towa and fujieda only start to get along once their perceived differences are lifted, in fact them being “the same” is of fundamental importance - but also undermines how unbridgable their differences would have been otherwise

deeply in love with the fact fujieda, as someone who studied law and has been dealing with courts professionally, is this huge vigilante. bc he doesnt trust justice to happen unless he does it himself. and towa is important to him, but ultimately his own goals are just a bit more important than towas comfort. i love when characters have spines <3

on a related note, i also love when characters dont have spines. taku is literally my fav. the fact hes a human sanctuary contrasts so beautifully with him withholding vital info, constantly telling white lies, being conflicted about Everything, but eventually going to jail bc he thinks he Deserves it

how and why is eiji a metal gear solid character stuck in a pokemon characters body

[sweetlilbambi]

rant under the cut!!

if ur reading, tw deaths

soo i work as a caregiver and though i love my job and the people that comes w it, it also takes a lot of toll on my mental + physical health overall that i just feels soo drained all the time.

theres a lot of deaths in my work place simply because of old people passing and i absolutely cannot handle it anymore, like i have a really bad attachment issues and i tend to socialize a lot w my patients (its kind of unavoidable because most of the times, we need to build trust in order for me to help them like feeding etc) and it’s like they’ll be fine and still be energetic then the next day they’ll be transferred to hospice care (which is basically where they get sent so they’ll be taken care of before they pass, kind of a general definition but yk)

and recently, one of the patients that i’ve really grown attached to passed and its really just making me so :( i dont really express my problems/sadness here just cuz i feel weird n like. idk LOL but gah i just dont have anyone to talk ab it with because i have a hard time makin friends irl and my coworkers refuses to talk about stuff like this because it makes the work place more depressing (?) ive talked ab it w my mom but she kinda doesn’t really get it and laughs it off because i “care too much” but GAH idk.

the shifts are also just crazy.. i dont have perm schedule so i just get called all the time and most of the times i’d work for 16 hrs straight for like a couple of days n i would j be soo exhausted..

i also just treat this like a temp job? i dont wanna work in this field forever and i really wanna go to training school for flight attendants bcuz ive always wanted to travel and that job just seems very fitting + ive been wanting to do that since i was little!

idkidk i think i might quit ?? argh im in the process of saving money so i can move out soon so i dont think it would be the most convenient thing to do but i just feel like getting out of smth that makes me sad all the time will help me :-3

currently thinking!!!!! lots of thinking!!!!!!!!

[plushievash]

4:02 am questions: all prime numbers

oh thats a fun way to do it putting it under a readmore so its not too long <3

2. Do you mourn for a place or person you’ve never known? yeah, occasionally, when i think too hard abt it i mourn the person i couldve been if i wasnt u kno...

3. Do you really think there is somebody for everybody? yes! multiple people even! <3

5. Do you have to be related to be family? of course not! <3 just a few of my best friends ive never met irl that i consider family are renee, emry, n eli <3<3

7. Are you in love? Do you want to be? i think so yes

11. Would you change your appearance if you could? i can and i will >:) im making myself into who ive always been! isnt that great? <3

13 - answered!

17. Did you have imaginary friends? Do you still have them? i dont think so unless u count plushies ?

19. If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why? im not anymore...sometimes i wish i was because i felt like i owed that to my lolo and lola (though they never pressured me into it.. i just felt like it could be a way to honour them)

23. Is love about convenience or something more? Can it be about both? i dont know what it means abt convenience so.. something more!! love is the way u get excited abt ur fave things; love is ur friends sharing their fave things w u; ect ect !! <3 love is everywhere bestie <3 maybe corny as hell but im tired of being embarrassed and depressed !! theres so much love in everything and its nice to think abt :) !

29. Do you believe in some form of god/s? no? i dont like to think abt it too hard

31. Do you have a hunch about how you’re going to die? i believe im meant to drown as irrational or insane as that might sound i always had a feeling i was meant to drown.. even when i was little if i started to drown i wouldnt freak out because i just ? trusted the water ? deciding it was my time to go ? but when i get extremely paranoid im afraid i will be hit by a car or killed by a random act of violence

37. Do opposites attract? magnets! yes :) ok ok sorry. maybe. idk w/e lol

41. What fundamentally matters do you? money fun and my besties <3

43. Do you create art? How do you define art? WELL. yes <3 i do my funnie little drawings :) how do u define art? who give a shit <3

47. Do you have to suffer to truly understand the human condition? What is the human condition? How can you really experience it? there will always be suffering in life but thats not all it is

53. Which beliefs do you have that is most likely to be wrong? nothing. i know everything so jot that down. <3

59. What do you think the next era of music will be like? i dont know bestie... i listen to the same songs on repeat for years on end </3 penis music.

61. Do we live in tumultuous times, or do they just seem so strange because we’re living in them? oh it is very tumultuous times

67. What’s the worse thing a person can be? abuser obvs

71. Would your life make a good play? yes im the most interesting person in the world hope this helps <3 it has to be a musical

73. Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? AS FUCKING IF LMFAOOOOOO

79. When you are sad, do you listen to music that conveys your emotions or music that makes you happy? sad music my beloved <3

83. Given the chance to live your life on Mars, with no hope of returning to Earth but with the promise of scientific discovery and glory, would you take it? yaes... i want to get killed in space seems fun

89. If you lost all your memories, would you have the same personality? losing ALL my memories is something that freaks me out so much i have such a huge paranoia abt it i do not want to think abt it

97. Are you overly analytical? perhaps but my thoughts and my brain is sexy so its ok :) (bonus fact 97 is my fave number)

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

Ive never really understood the hype surrounding Taylor Swift - I mean, I like some of her songs, but im not big on modern pop music so generally she just doesn’t really click for me. But I find it interesting that theres quite a few of Beatles/Swift blogs - like, they should have very little in common given that they’re from completely different eras and all, but somehow people seem to find a lot of semblance between the two. << and thats not me shitting on any of these blogs btw! Hope I don’t come off as rude or condescending there <3

Anyway, I was just wondering what got you into Taylor Swift? (I think ive read your post on how you got into the Beatles)

Hi, anon! Don't worry, I don't think you're rude or condescending! I agree they don't have too much in common and I don't really like their music for the same reasons.* I do have a playlist of Paul songs that have similar vibes to Taylor songs but it's mostly lyric-based. (Also the Beatles For Sale songs actually have quite the Taylor-tinge because Paul and John were not immune to Country Music)

I saw @stewy say once that a possible reason there are a good handful of us Swiftie-Beatle People on here is the appeal of a vast discography, which I agree with. If you have an artist/group with 200ish songs, it's just really fun to really dive into their work and explore all the facets. I also think: we're talking about the most popular band of all time and one of the highest-selling artists of the 21st century. They have a lot of fans so there's bound to be overlap, regardless of musical differences.

Moving on to your question: Getting into Taylor was an extremely personal experience for me and so my explanation is probably going to be kind of long so I'll put it under a read more.

It was spring-summer 2014, I was 15. I had heard the more popular songs of hers starting with Love Story and enjoyed pretty much all of them (I always found her hopelessly romantic point of view fascinating) but before I got a Spotify account in 2013 it was difficult in general for me to really get into an artists' entire discography so most of her songs had flown under my radar.

At the time, I was in this very weird sort of codependent online friendship with this girl who was basically my first real best friend and my first more or less crush. She was very depressed and I was very much in an I Could Fix Her™ mood, except that I obviously couldn't fix her and it made me feel like I wasn't enough and she had begun pulling more and more away from me and not replying to my messages and it was simply driving me insane. I consider it the saddest period in my life.

at some point during this period, I started trying to connect with other people (all online, I didn't know how to talk seriously to anyone IRL) and explaining the issues I'd been having, and one of the people who brought me joy and whom I actually felt not drained talking to was a huge swiftie. And IDK the fact that she loved Taylor and the fact that talking to her made my life better (and also the fact that I liked all the Taylor songs I knew at that point) just made me decide to give her a listen. And I think that whole "large discography discovery" phenomenon really helped me at the time (funny, because her discography has doubled since then). It gave me something new to focus on; there were just so many songs to discover, all telling such rich stories. I also have always loved bridges, they are almost always my favourite part of a song. And Taylor, god-bless her, loves them too and always puts her ALL in them. Like pretty much every bridge of hers brings the song to the next level, and even a lot of her songs I don't adore tend to have great bridges (Stay Stay Stay and Paper Rings come to mind). I think one of her most underrated qualities is how good she is at song structure and really building up an entire musical journey with a song. She also almost always adds cool ad-libs in her second and third choruses to keep the songs interesting and dynamic (or at least since she's gone pop). Anyways, back to the story: Then Taylor announced 1989 as her next album and released Shake It Off, and it was just like this great happy thing for me to look forward to, when I had very little keeping me going. The era was promoting a lot of happiness which in hindsight was slightly fabricated and it was just a really great thing for me to latch onto.

At the same time I was coming to realize that I was gonna have to pull away completely from my friend and all those break-up songs just… Hit, y'know? Like, some people seem to think Taylor's a one-trick pony because she likes to write break-up songs but to me, break-ups are just like this moment where you as a human can potentially feel every single emotion, and Taylor's songs have covered every facet of the concept. Here are some songs I remember from that period, that all meant a lot to me at the time because they explained my own pain to me so well:

Haunted, for the absolute terror you feel in the first moments you realize someone is probably gonna leave you. Come on, come on / Don't leave me like this / I thought I had you figured out / Something's gone terribly wrong / You're all I wanted.

I Almost Do, for the inner turmoil you feel when you know you have to stay away from someone for your own good but you really, really have to resist just running back to that person. We've made quite a mess, Babe / It's probably better off this way / And I confess, Babe / In my dreams you're touching my face / And asking me if I wanna try again / With you / And I almost do.

Last Kiss, for that absolute sadness that comes simply with remembering everything that was good and not comprehending how it could've possibly ended. I still remember / The look on your face / Lit through the darkness / At 1:58 / Words that you whispered / For just us to know / You told me you loved me / So why did you go / Away?

Forever and Always, for that feeling of desperately wanting to hold on to what you still have but at the same time realizing it probably isn't going to last and having no idea how to fix it, plus feeling like the other person doesn't even care. So here's to everything / Coming down to nothing / Here's to silence / That cuts me to the core / Where is this going? / Thought I knew for a minute / But I don't anymore.

Dear John, my all-time favourite song, for that moment you find clarity and realize that you deserved better and that you were headed in an extremely dark direction because of this other person. [DISCLAIMER: my friend did NOT abuse me nor did we have some inappropriate age difference. But the way she would ignore me and her general moodiness really affected my own mental health and self-worth problems] You paint me a blue sky / And go back and turn it to rain / And I lived in your chess games / But you changed the rules every day / Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone / Tonight / Well I stopped picking up / And this song is to let you know why.

(She's covered more aspects of break-ups in other songs [cheating, divorce, feeling awkward around your ex amongst others], these are just the ones I remember being really important to me when I was first getting into her)

She really helped me feel a lot less alone during one of my loneliest periods and I really can't thank her enough for that. Soon after this, I started crushing on a girl in my class and Taylor's love songs started to take on a new meaning for me as well.

What's crazy to me is, when she went on hiatus for a few years, a part of me thought maybe I'd grown out of her and no longer had much in common with her, but when reputation came out I was pulled right back into my love for her as a person and musician and then when Lover came out I found that she was still explaining feelings to me better than I ever could (specifically with the songs The Archer and Cornelia Street). And now with folklore and evermore she's simply absolutely perfected her story-telling and I find myself deeply moved even by the songs I don't directly relate to. I feel like she has this amazing ability to find the absolute truth in the specific. I've never had a summer romance with someone who already had a girlfriend and mostly wanted to go back to her, and yet the bridge of august feels so real to me, y'know?

Back when we were still changin' for the better Wanting was enough For me, it was enough To live for the hope of it all Cancel plans just in case you'd call And say, "Meet me behind the mall" So much for summer love and saying "us" 'Cause you weren't mine to lose

It's hard to explain but looking at this, like it's so much more than the story it's telling. It's talking about how when you're young you really need so little to feel satisfied; how sometimes the idea of someone maybe spending time with you is better than actually doing things with other people; and how if someone using you without much thought can make you feel like you're not even entitled to grieve what you lost. Sorry. I'll stop. Don't want to go insane.

So, all of this is very personal and unique to me, but I think really the main thing that draws me to her is how vulnerable and honest she is about emotions, how eloquently she can explain the pain of being alive to me. Some people think she isn't the strongest singer, but I think, much like John actually, one of her greatest assets is how good she is at projecting emotion. The song happiness is a song I think has some lyrically weak moments but her vocal performance on it is so raw and devastating that every single line works even when, looking at it on paper, it feels like it shouldn't.

Hope this rambling made sense to you, lmao?? I love talking about Taylor though so thanks for the ask! Also very open to giving song recs if you do want to check her out more but I won't unless solicited to lmao *Sort of off-topic but I do think there's a relation between my fascination with the Beatles' history and my love for a great break-up song. I like pain I guess :)

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

[hauntedtotem]

💗 🌠 🌟 🎁 🐇 🎵 🍀 😣 💥 🎨 😔 💫

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be? 

my fiance bc we’re stuck long distance rn and I wanna see them ;^;

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

realistically? Ive tried to think about this alot but i don't know how to run the government or anything so I don't even know what that would look like in reality. one major thing i’d like to change is how predators get away with little to no sentencing. and the world would be much more eco-friendly, primarily i’d like to focus on restoring the coral reefs

but if we mean in a fantasy setting? i’d make certain areas have one specific weather all the time, like its always raining in this town or its always sunset at waterparks. weird ideal I guess? and winter would just not be a thing. or ig i’d make it so winter only happens in specific places. it’d just be cool to freeze time in certain areas.

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

nice eyelashes, good imagination (not so much when im awake, but my dreams are always really cool), Idk what else??

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

playing Xenosaga, talking to my fiancé, or daydreaming/discussing BEN Drowned

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

mainly fanfics I read that were never finished, I try to make my own ending but its always impossible. and I like daydreaming about the ARG and how  characters would react in different situations, I like thinking about crossovers and what they would think about the similarities between them and other franchises

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

Record Player

Will Wood - Better than the Alternative 

Kongos - You Are Strange

My Ordinary Life

A Good Look

Will wood - BlackBoxWarrior

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

I think we all already know  👀

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

my irl ex-best friend physically abused one of my friends and sexually assulted two of my other irl friends and there was a big falling out, but she says she didn't do anything wrong and tried to claim that I manipulated ppl into cutting ties w her? and she sent herself hate messages and tried to spread them around saying i sent it when i havent talked to her since February, which was months before my friends came out about the crap she was doing to them. and about two months ago she got a tumblr and even tho she’s been offline, idk when shes coming back and when she does she may find my current account and see that ive been talkin about her. which normally would be like, whatever- but she lives just 20 minutes away from me and has been to my house before, so I worry she might try to show up and start shit??

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

noo youre gonna get me cancelled 

well, I think all organized religion is bad so theres that.

 a lot of people say “jeff the killer was 13 in his story, but you cant draw him as 13 bc it was written in x year and hes a human so he ages, so hes 30 now and you have to portray him that way” and I think that's really stupid because hes a fictional character. hes not real, no other fandom goes by that rules, idk why people are treating him like a real person? like, if you took a character from a show in the 80s that doesn't mean the character is now 40 years older than they were in the original work, because theyre just a character and the characters don't age in real time bc theyre not real. you can make content that takes place before, during, right after, or years after his initial story, you don't need to portray him as he would be if he was a real person in todays time. I've seen people attack young artists and generally being really aggressive about this and I don't get it

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

I honestly haven't doodled since I was in school, anything I draw now is for full drawings and not just fun private doodles

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

write a bunch of angst in my head, sleep, but those don't rly work, the one that works for me is just kinda go completely offline for a week and play games.

💫 who inspires you?

for art, its Krooked-glasses, nelnal, akorhaphi, funamusea, pengosolvent, ghost, ehxkor, par0llel, junji ito, and a couple more I cant remember rn. some of these are people on DeviantArt that aren't active anymore

[unfairlawyer]

this is a post about me being a whiney baby

my depression being ignored by my family is both a blessing and a curse. like theyre fully aware of it but dont say anything about it. its good because i hate talking about my feelings, but on the other hand its like :// i feel so isolated with no one to confide in about tings IRL especially since were in quarantine. i love my online friends but theres only so much u can do over the internet. i just want a hug. 

today has been rough. woke up with 0 energy @2:30pm, ate like 3 cookies i happened to have in my room so i could take my medicine, and then laid like a log since. I literally havent done anything. I managed to eat some. cereal and apple sauce at like 8 and then 10 but it took like 40 minutes of deliberation to get out of bed in the first place. 

being in a depressive episode while on antidepressants is really weird. i have no energy and im sad but none of the thoughts are there-- which is good-- but i feel. like i dont exist. like, im going through the motions of the day and nothing is real and everything is. pointless. theres no good way to pass time or anything. ive jusstbeen staring at my ceiling.

i watched 3 gatsu no lion s1 and ao haru ride yesterday without much prior knowledge and theyre sad so i guess ive been kind of triggered by them.  This is why i stick to sports anime... sigh. but i guess ive been using anime as escapism lately... i havent watched this much anime in once stretch since i was in middle school. so who really knows

also au haru ride made me emotionally horny HAHA like i really want a boyfriend to smooch... oop.

[honeyfreckled]

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER. 

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love  you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it. 

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right

[oldmanjinjokes]

––answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people (lmao idk 20 people on here heh)

––tagged by @hob1love ty love x

––tagging: @royaltae @gukmul @hercosmoscomplex @taejinszn  @theshyauthor @yoongisuschrist  (if u dont want to be tagged in the future just let me know lovelies)

LAST

1. drink - water stay hydrated kids

2. 📱call - friend called thea 

3. text - main hoe

4. song you listened to - Drake - Don’t matter to me (ughhh its so good k)

4. time you 😢- last night lol i miss people

HAVE YOU EVER

6. dated someone twice - nop

7. 😘 someone & regretted it - u have no idea yikes

8. been cheated on - nope

9. lost someone special - yes

10. been depressed - yepo

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - actually surprisingly no (be proud of me ellie)

FAVORITE COLORS

12. yellaaaaa

13. pastel pink

14. black

15. burnt orange lol

in the last year have you

16. made new friends - yes and theyre gorgeous people x

17. fallen out of love - working on it pal

18. 😂 until you 😢- yes when my friend ate tzatziki in a fucking sandwich 

19. found out someone was talking about you - yes

20. met someone who changed you - definitely 

21. found out who your friends were - yes for the better tbh 

22. 😘 someone on your facebook friends list - nah

GENERAL

23. how many friends from your facebook friends list do you know irl - ive met them all at least once lol

24. do you have any pets - 1 cat who only likes women and 2 cats in england who are angels

25. do you want to change your middle name - i mean “gammelgaard” is weird as fuck to try and explain to foreigners so yes why not 

26. what did you do for your last birthday - cried lol (tragiicccccccc)

27. what time did you wake up today - 5am >:(

28. what were you doing last night at midnight - listening to music and literally doing nothing 

29. what is something you can’t wait for - winning the lottery so i can quit my job ty 

30. what are you listening to right now - a shane dawson video, i like watch 2 videos when i get home from work every day as a way to like chill before i gotta study or something 

31. have you every talked to a person named tom - like a billion 

32. something that gets on your nerves - when people older than me at work act like they are my boss when in reality i know more than they do because i work more it pisses me riiiiight off oh and when danish people make fun of my accent :))) 

33. most visited website - tumblr and youtube lets be real

34. hair color - CUTE AS HECK PINK

35. long hair or short hair - long 

36. do you have a crush on someone - :)

37. what do you like about yourself - my eyebrows 

38. want any piercings - got 11 i think my mom would be disappointed if i got any more lol but i sorta wouldnt mind a double nose piercing instead of my single?? and maybe another helix

39. blood type -noooo clue i probably should find out

40. nicknames - lun, luna mou, lunaki, moonhead, moonie, mulfred 

41. relationship status - single n sad

42. zodiac - is that the same as starsign???? cause then sagittarius 

43. pronouns - she

44. favorite 📺 show - mmmm im a sucker for friends tbh and idk i love simple shows??? not so much drama and just all jolly 

45. tattoos - nah not my cup of tea 

46. right handed or left - right handed

47. ever had surgery - nose surgery 

48. piercings - 6 left ear, 4 right ear, 1 nose 

49. sports - badminton bitch 

50. vacation - i generally only go to the uk and greece to visit my family but im going to japan in feb!! 

51. trainers - faves??? or??? new balance is mint for all day walking jobs fyi 

MORE GENERAL

52. eating - now? or like? eating nothing ??

53. drinking - water

54. i’m about to watch - ryland adams vid hheh

55. waiting for -bed dude today was exhausting 

56. want - happiness O O oO  

57. get married - i hope so 

58. career - dear lord who knows but the goal i have is highly unachievable 

WHICH IS BETTER

59. kisses or hugs - hugs

60. 👄 or eyes - eyes

61. shorter or taller - taller

62. older or younger - older

63. nice arms or stomach - ha thighs (tbh u are me meara lmao) also hands heh

64. hookup or relationship - relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant - hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER

66. 😘 a stranger - no

67. drank hard liquor - :)

68. lost glasses - yes 

69. (oof). turned someone down - yes and boy do u feel bad 

70. sex on a first date - nope 

71. broken someone’s ❤️- yes and he turned into a stalker so theres that

72. had your 💔- yeppo

73. been arrested - no

74. 😢 when someone died - ofc

75. fallen for a friend - yes yikes (dont do it )

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

76. yourself - no

77. miracles - not really 

78. 💛at first sight - yes

79. 🎅- no

80. 😘on a first date - yeah

81. angels - no

other

82. best friends name - i dont really have a best friend i just have some close friends but shout out to my main hoe siah

83. eye color - green

84. favorite movie -  lord knows

85. favorite actor - D:

[batslime]

taggt ( by @wesminator )

Last:

Drink- im schlurpin mtn dew rn

Phone call- my mom to make sure she knew we needed cat food

Text- showing this awful thing to @succubus

Song- ddu-du ddu-du by black pink ( that doesnt even sound the way its spelled and i had to look at it again bc of that )

Time you cried- i dont remember probably while i was watching a movie or smt

Ever:

Been depressed- b o y

Gotten drunk and thrown up- i dont go to parties because i live in the middle of nowhere and ive never been drunk i dont like alcohol enough to get to that point

In the last year have you:

Made new friends- ya

Fallen outta love- YA

Laughed until you cried- no

Found out someone was talking about you- just today my manager told me one of the part time mans texts him to say ive been “acting up” ( i said something to her she didnt get so i told her not to try so hard bc i could smell the smoke coming from her ears ) and he straight up tells her shes stupid fgvhjb

Met someone who changed you- for the worse yes lmao

Found out who your friends are- I’ve found out who my friends aren’t!

Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list- Maybe???? ive remade it so many times/ never go on i dont remember if i have any exes besides @succubus

General:

Fave color- im always a slut for pink but i also love rich greens and lavender

How many Facebook friends do you know IRL - why is a tumblr meme probably aged at like teenage-twenty year olds even asking about facebook

Any pets - rn i have three cats

Do you wanna change your name - legally ya

What did you do for your last birthday - I dont remember i was probably still at home jobless and sad

What were you doing last night at midnight - working on miniatures

What is something you can’t wait for - @succubus is coming over next month, next paycheck, to get the energy to work on all my projects again, genji nendroid

What are you listening to - i just left blackpink playing after i had to look that title up

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom - idk

Something that gets on your nerves - god everything lately im like a time bomb

Most visited website - Tumblr and Youtube

Hair colour - Black/ dark brown

Hair length - i cut it asymmetrically l recently and shaved it back in march on the sides so its. all over the place

Do you have crush on someone - i have a crush on being a better and more productive and happier and richer person

What do you like about yourself - lets not start this lol

Want any piercing - not rn im too depressed to take care of my body on a regular basis

Blood type-  b+

Nicknames- 

Zodiac - capricorn

Pronouns - She/Her or They/Them is fine.

Fave TV show - I dont watch tv occasionally tho ill go into netflix and play whatevers nice to listen to while i work, like forensic files or movies im really familiar with 

Tattoos - i dont rly like the way they look i think n when i do see designs i like i like seeing them on other ppl, im too fickle for them myself. i used to do designs for ppl tho

Right or left handed - Right-handed

Ever had surgery - to have my teeth removed and tbh id be terrified and i think id really rather just die if i ever needed under-anesthetic under-the-knife surgery for multiple reasons 

Sports - no

Vacation - i like vegas, theres lots of countries id love to see but ive never been out of the states. im too poor and scared to do that rn esp alone

More general:

Eating - i love squishy foods but ive been craving crunchy stuff a lot lately too. ive been getting bowls of ice to take to my room while i work

Drinking- i drink like three things and that mtn dew, water w crystal lite, and match fraps

About to watch- i dont watch stuff much i just play whatever i can presently stand hearing while i work

Waiting to-

Get married - god no i literally just wanna live alone i dont wanna have to see people in my house while im trying to force myself to work or walking around naked i dont wanna be responsible for another person

Which is better:

Hugs or kisses - i dont like to be tocuhed

Lips or eyes - 

Shorter or taller -  

Nice arms or stomach -  these are like. really obscure selections 

Troublemaker or hesitant -  

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger - no

Drunk hard liquor - no

Lost glasses - yeah i just toss em at the end of my bed at night

Turned someone down - um i work retail and look like a teenager i can hardly fucking go in public without some random ugly ass dude thinking he can talk to me lol 

Been arrested - no

Cried when someone died - i dont think so just animals as far as i can recall, i havent lost anyone close.

Fallen for a friend - ya

Do you believe in:

Yourself - Yeh boi!

st sight - for like animals or shows or smt. if youre talking about another person. thats called attraction and calling it love is creepy and unhealthy and an obsolete concept that we need to nip in the ass tbh. i hear a disproportionate amnt of guys to girls say this and its like always someone they meet in public or whatever. im sure if i were desperate and self hating enough to humor any of the losers who try me theyd say it like five years down the line too. you dont know who tf somebody really is til youve known them for years and gone though real shit and seen how they respond. ive always found “love at first sight” creepy 

Kiss on the first date - idk

Angels - maybe

Others:

Best friend’s name - i call her a disgrace and the cause of my death but other ppl call her franky/ alexa 

Eye colour - Brown

Fave movie - 

Fave actors -

franky ive already tagged you like eight times. also im done working for the day. if you wanna be tagged reblog it and tag yourself im not doing anything else for any more people today 

[glorifiedbones]

is in a groupchat, so thats where i meet everyone. its just lowkey like 7-10 of us but only about 4/5 super active.

get in a fight over a game with one friend. they immediately call me slurs and block me ???like sorry i didnt lick your boots asshole. which sort of sucked though, because we were friends, and than he starts this argument. bro is CLEARLY losing like huge L and than instead of just like calling it a day he goes from like 1-100. which is super shit because i didnt even confront him, and even asked him to leave me alone. like he just kept coming and coming and coming. like super exhausting.

anyways, fast forwards, we arent friends. im still friends with the other guy of course. we are pretty close i would say, we call almost every day/night and play and talk and even just sit with each other in silence doing our own thing for like 4-8 hours a day. not to mention when we text in dms, text in gc, and send tiktoks to each other and shit.

like good ass friends. getting to my point, which is i found out he and the guy knew each other IRL. now i knew they were still friends, like he talked about spending time with the other guy. but it still sucks so much ass to know how this guy hurt me, and for someone to just like ignore that.

and its not really anything i can control. like for one theyve known each other for actual years, like childhood besties, two they know each other IRL whereas im just an online friend, three i dont ever want to be the guy that comes in between other friendships. like just because i have (apparently; because i didnt want it and wasnt an instigator,) beef with someone, doesnt mean you do with that person.

i even told him that i wasnt going to like ask him to stop being friends with him. and if any part of me thought that before im sure as hell not doing it now. but it still just sucks.

like. im just worried i think, that this guys bullshit will rub off onto him. and it makes me sad, and scared. because i dont want to lose out on a really amazing friend because of this guy. like even though we aren’t in each others lives, it still feels like hes apart of mine.

like for him i know hes chilling, like hes so unbothered. and it makes me so frustrated. because if i can act just as unbothered why cant i feel that way too? i just want to stop feeling so heavy hearted over it, like it literally feels like theres a weight on my chest and i cant breathe.

im assuming i have unresolved feelings over the situation. in fact im pretty sure i do. because i can sit down right now, write out all these things, but in the back of my mind that night is still on replay. like a broken record. i cant get it out of my mind, even more so when i think about either of them or things related to them and the situation.

im even friends with his older brother, the current friend, and im worried that even he would drop me for this clown kid. like he obviously knows him too. it just makes me so tired.

like i was in a really good place in my life. i had good friends, my depression was feeling like not as bad as it normally is, and than that happened. and i feel so uneasy now. like everything could just crumble out from underneath me like it did before.

with the old group. im so worried that i’ll be alone again like i was at that time. especially when i feel like as of late ive been neglecting my other friends. and im not trying too but it just happens.

im so bad at this. communication bullshit. like i hate it.

ulgh.

anyways i am just going to have to hope and pray that shit doesnt get bad again because i dont think i could handle it again. like before was so bad, now? i cant do it again.

sigh.

[richard-the-boy-wonder-blog]

I was tagged by: @rebel-eds , thanks for giving me something to do B 💓

1. last drink?: Shitty imitation coffee. 

2: last phone call?: my mommy.

3. last text message?: "okay mommy" you can only guess who i sent it to.

4. last song you listened to?: Best Friends by Grandson. (Its a banger beatbi suggest everyone give it a listen)

5. last time you cried?: Thusday night last week.

6. dated someone twice?:  Yes, and i was mistaken both times.

7. kissed someone and regretted it: I kissed a guy who only kissed me to date my mom.

8. been cheated on?: Yeah actually, and the kicker was that it was an irl relationship between me and this person and they cheated on me with someone from across the country... So.

9. lost someone special?: Not really?

10. been depressed?: Oooooh boy.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up?:  Story time! Ive been black out drunk, once. I invited my current bf over for some video games (we had been dating for like a month maybe) and i thought "boy imma get stupid and put the moved on him" drank 2 things of box wine to myself (1 box is equal to 4 glasses of wine lol) ended up getting sick really fast and left my bf to watch my younger 2 siblings while i threw up. Thats all i remember. (I think i also tried to shave my legs?)

Fave colors

12. Green (every single shade)

13. Black, like oil black so its not as dark.

14. Like a dusty brown yellow color.

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends?:  I think so? I hope so cause theres alot of people on here i just recently met that im already considering my friends.

16. fallen out of love?: Yes... Honestly its the saddest feeling in the world.

17. laughed until you cried?: I did that last night over the fact i said i wanted to become a professional hotdog juicer.

18. found out someone was talking about you?: Yeah, im a snoopy bitch.

19. met someone who changed you?: Oh yes, some of them were for the better, but this one person im thinking in particular... I wish he would stop.

20. found out who your friends are?: Yeah actually, i moved and alot of the people i considered "friends" started talking crap, and alot of the people i just considered stuck up for me.

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list?: Does my mom count?

general:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl?: Like a solid 80% of them, others are people i briefly met at cons or whatever.

23. do you have any pets?: I have 2 kitties! My sisters fat cat Juno and my demon Leia.

24. do you want to change your name?: Not really, i feel like ive got a pretty cool name.

25. what did you do for your last birthday?: I cried and threw up on myself lol.

26. what time did you wake up today?: 8:46 am i remember because i wooe up amd the first thought i had was: "if i dont get up the carrots will attack."

27. what were you doing at midnight last night?: Editing my fic and watching School of Rock.

28. what is something that you can’t wait for?: I have a sad life thats going nowhere so i have nothing to look forward to.

30. what are you listening to right now?: California Dreamin' by The Mamas and Papas.

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom?: I worked for a guy named Tom. Tom was an asshat.

32. something getting on your nerves?: The fact that im not aloud to sing or dance around the hoyse anymore.

33. most visited website?: Tumblr lol.

34. hair color?: I had purple hair before i dyed it brown, so its kinda like orangy brown with a tint of pink.

35. long or short hair: This is a hard question because my hair is a mega floof. So it looks short but when i flat iron it its fairly long.

36. do you have a crush on someone?: Honestly.... I think so.

37. what do you like about yourself?:  Im not a huge fan of my outsides (my appearance) but i love my insides. I think im hella funny, and goofy but i know im not very pleasant to look at. But thats okay ☺

38. want any piercings: I already have my snake bites and 2 holes in each ear, but im dying to have my bellybutton, eyebrow, and either my nipples or tongue done. (Maybe a double helix UGH i dont know)

39. blood type: i think im AB positive?

40. nicknames: Jae, JJ, Jada, Scoob, scooberndude, bug, beb, moose, little angry one, you.  

41. relationship status: Taken.

42. zodiac: imma Capricorn.

43. pronouns: I mostly go by They/them, but im okay with her/she too.

44. fave tv show: Ive re-discovered 'Dan vs. Everything' and im in love.

45. tattoos: ive got 4, 1 on my left arm, 2 of my right. And one on the back of my neck (i should just face reveal and show them honestly i get asked about them so much)

46. right or left handed: left handed (imma diamond in the rouge)

47. ever had surgery: GOD NO.

48 . piercings: Yep like i said before. Ove got 6, my snake bites and 2 in each ear.

49. sport: I USE to play baseball amd hockey. (I was also on a roller derby team if that counts)

50. vacation: I haven't been on vacation since i was 8.

51. trainers: No.

more general

52. eating: I was told that you should drink water 20 minutes before eating, because dehydration can feel like hunger. I started doing that like a week ago and ive eaten maybe 4 times since 😂

53. drinking: Water 😎 (hydration is sexy, yall should go get some)

54. im about to watch: myself post this amd regret it.

55. waiting for: my mom to get home so i can come put of my room.

56. want: More records.

57. get married? After some consideration, probably not ever gonna happen.

58. career: i dunno yet, i just know i wanna go to film/art school!

59. hugs or kisses: keeses 😙

60. lips or eyes: The eyes.

61. shorter or taller: i dont really mind either, evidentally though its always tall because im short as fuck.

62. older or younger: Still doesnt really matter to me, as long as they aint a pedo.

63. nice arms or stomach: Arms, because i love being held.

64.  hookup or relationship: a relationship where you pretend not to know each other and "hook up"

65. troublemaker or hesitant: im not really either? Like im not very shy, but im not so far out there that i get in trouble.

66. kissed a stranger: Thats how you get hepatitis.

67. drank hard liquor: Yes, i still would but i get hella nervous about it (im a stoner not a drinker eeeeh)

68. lost glasses: yep! Thats why i dont have them now.

69. turned someone down: Not really. No one has ever asked me out before :/

70. sex on the first date: im a hoe and proud, but this is a major no no.

71. broken someones heart: i think so... But they broke all of me first.

72. had your heart broken: Ive had alot more than just my heart broken.

73. been arrested: Yes i was arrested when i was 9.

74. cried when someone died: Ive been crying over David Bowie for 2 years now, yes.

75. fallen for a friend: This is the only way i can get into a relationship

do you believe in…

76. yourself: Yes! I can do the thing!

77. miracles: Sadly no, ive never had one happen for me.

78. love at first sight: Kinda? Like it starts out as "i wanna punch your face in" at first site, and THEN i fall in love.

79. santa clause: yes because my papa is santa.... I seen it.

80. kiss on a first date: i always barf if someone tries to kiss me on the first date. (Not because it grosses me out but because i got bad anxiety lol)

81. angels: Absolutly because all my friends are angels 💓

82. best friend’s name: I... I dont have one? (Does my twin count? Her name is Dawn)

83. eye color: Green!

84. fave movie: Probably Pretty in Pink.

85. fave actor: Lesie motherfucking Jones! This girl is amazing, she went to an art school in Colorado for a basketball scholarship and ended up in theater and on SNL instead. I aspire to be cool enough to earn my way onto SNL.

I should tag some peepes: @trashmouthmissy @spaghetti-head-eds , @thegreatwhiteferret , @beepbeepbongoboyy , and anyone else who wants to do this can and tag me saying i tagged you 😎

[cosmicyall]

i keep seeing all these people i went to middle school with posts about having and going to sweet sixteenths and my birthdays coming up so its really depressing like 1. i was never really close with anyone in the first place besides one person 2. they all go to a different high school and 3. i have made no friends at my high school so i know i cant ever have a sweet sixteenth like that. id be lucky to even do something with that one person bc shes actually my only friend and i feel like such a loser that anytime i want to do anything it has to be with my family or with her or i just dont do it bc i feel like im asking too much of her and that im taking her away from literally all of her other friends...why is it so hard for me? why is having groups of friends a normal thing for everyone else? i can never tell if its me or not but it always ends up that im making the effort with people and i eventually just stop when i realize that they never make any effort to show they want to even talk to me. theres only one guy that i talk to from my high school and its only ever over sc, ive actually poured my heart out about this to him but he still just belongs to the chorus group, like he has his friends and id be taking him away from them. ive seen him twice irl this whole school year. i feel like such an idiot bc he says hes there for me but he also puts on his story about how he has so many friends so hes sorry about not being able to talk to everyone like its such a bad thing and im just like?? i wish i had more than the one i actually have and you, if you actually wanted to see me?? i actually fucking told him that i wish i had a squip, knowing it sounded ridiculous. and it does, but i honest to god feel like i need one all the time. maybe it is just me and im the problem and theres no way it could actually hurt my self esteem bc my thoughts sorta suck all the time. idk im just feeling down rn (read: i feel shitty all the time but i always think that im just lonely and sad) and i know that she really is a great friend and he really is probably there to talk to but i wish other people would and that i could be normal and be able to eat with friends and talk to people in class and text people and have people to go to the movies with and hang out with and put on my story like i see on everyone else’s stories and maybe just maybe have someone actually know when my fucking birthday is and care and maybe a sweet sixteenth would happen for me. but in reality im just going to be at home alone crying bc im not normal and i just dont have a social life like other people do and im going to pretend that its okay. that im okay. but im not.

[tallboye]

92 Things About Me

i was tagged by @danieliph !! you’re so cute ty for tagging me :’)

-

questions are under the cut :)

THE LAST…

1. Drink: ramune soda!!! its so good omg 2. Phone call: my friend bc 4th of july plans 3. Text message: me and my friend talking about AP scores!! 4. Song you listened to: Hard Feelings/Loveless- Lorde 5. Time you cried: yesterday bc my friends were canceling on plans and i felt really miserable :( (i’m really dramatic tho ahahah)

-

6. Dated someone twice: nope 7. Been cheated on: no 8. Kissed someone and regretted it: i haven’t had a real first kiss yet hhahah 9. Lost someone special: my ex boy :( 10. Been depressed: every day bro  11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i haven’t drank yet ahaha

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. black

13. grey

14. lavender

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: yes!! i love them 16. Fallen out of love: well i kinda got over someone so i guess?? 17. Laughed until you cried: ofc!!! 18. Found out someone was talking about you: well yeah a lot of drama w my friend group happened this year 19. Met someone who changed you: no i like to do that myself hahah 20. Found out who your true friends are: im still skeptical about my friends so idk 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: i dont have facebook 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: no fb!!

- 23. Do you have any pets: i have two cats and two lizards (bearded dragons!)!! love them to death!! but i also want a dog v bad ;-; 24. Do you want to change your name: not really, but people still manage to spell my name wrong so if i did would change it to end the confusion 25. What did you do for your last birthday: it was really sad :( i just sat at home  26. What time did you wake up: like 8am lol 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i was on my way home from seeing fireworks 28. Name something you cannot wait for: I’m seeing fob in october!!! 29. When was the last time you saw your mother: about 7 years ago  30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i wasn’t as indecisive as i am so that my future seemed more clear to me 31. What are you listening to right now: the numbers by radiohead 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes he’s one of my closest friends

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: applying to college and deciding where to go n keeping my grades up (thats like 3 things but lol) 34. Most visited website: tumblr and instagram

35. Elementary: p bad bc i got bullied a lot 36. High School: honestly the Worst its so stressful 37. College/university: I’m not ready and i dont know where I’m going 38. Hair color: strawberry blonde 39. Long or short hair: really long hahahha 40. Do you have a crush on someone: nope!! 41. What do you like about yourself: I’m not extremely loud n obnoxious 42. Piercings: just my ears 43. Blood type: i dont know :/ 44. Nickname: meg, and a lot of my irls call me medge n megs 45. Relationship status: single  46. Zodiac sign: virgo 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite tv show: the office!

49. Tattoos: love em!! might get one someday!! 50. Right or left hand: right handed

FIRST…

51. Surgery: I’ve never had one 52. Piercing: the basic ear one hahah 54. Sport: i played hockey for like half a year in 5th grade and i haven’t played a sport since 55. Vacation: it was to massachusetts before i moved here so i could see my family!! 56. Pair of trainers: idk lmao

- 57. Eating: nothing 58. Drinking: making a coffee!! 59. I’m about to: die bc I’m hungry af !! 60. Listening to: (my music changed hahah) i constantly thank god for esteban- p!atd 61. Waiting for: my friend to text back bc were hanging out today!! 62. Want: to get a job so i can make $$$$

63. Get married: i gotta find someone first then we’ll see :/ 64. Career: i really love music and i want to get into the industry but it is v difficult and I’m not sure

YOUR TYPE…

65. Hugs or kisses: kisses  66. Lips or eyes:  lips 67. Shorter or taller: taller  68. Older or younger: older  70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i dont really care about either tbh 71. Sensitive or loud: i wouldn’t care about that either as long as i like who they are as a person 72. Hook up or relationship: either sounds fine to me bc I’ve been hurt too much by past relationships so who knows

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: idc as long as its not INSANE trouble

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: no!!!! 75. Drank hard liquor?: nope! 76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: no!! i have my glasses on 24/7 lol 77. Turned someone down: hell yea 78. Sex on first date: thats dumb no 79. Broken someone’s heart: maybe? idk  80. Had your heart broken: yes and it ruined my life 81. Been arrested: nope 82. Cried when someone died: of course 83. Fallen for a friend: kinda??

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84. Yourself: no 85. Miracles: maybe 86. Love at first sight: i dont know man its kinda shallow but maybe theres a connection?? i haven’t experienced it so idk 87. Santa Claus: nope hahah 88. Kiss on the first date: thats weird idk 89. Angels: no

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: idk who my real friends are so i can’t say for sure :( 91. Eye color: hazel !! 92. Favorite movie: mulan!

if you read this then tysm!! I’m kinda boring lol

-

im gonna tag the @aestheticdnpnet if any1 wants to do it and all my mutuals!! i did a challenge the other day so i feel weird tagging the same people again bc i feel like I’m spamming you!! and you dont have to do this if you dont want do <3