#into that good night'' are taking this stuff into their everyday lives. such a poignant story made into just another excuse to do nothing

[weepylucifer]

okay i've figured it out. i don't assume pjol is actually trying to encourage the reader to give in to resignation, and disco elysium certainly isn't. but it seems to be how wide swathes of fans have interpreted these texts, and that's what i'm mad at, not the texts themselves

[natsunoomoi]

Still thinking about that ending

It’s been weeks and I am shocked by how much it weighs on my mind. I’ve literally rewatched scenes several times, played things over, Googled other people’s interpretations, read Through His Eyes twice, done image searches, and a bunch of things. I just keep thinking about his story and also relating it to other villains in the franchise and even apocalyptic doomsday plot lines in other series.

I’ve just found Emet-Selch/Hades to be extremely compelling. I still don’t agree with his perspective in thinking shard people are lesser, but I can understand how he got to that conclusion. I don’t agree with his solution, but I can understand how he came to choose it and how he can continue to stick to it. I can empathize greatly with his outburst against Alphinaud questioning how he can view their two positions as equal as its also flat out a normal response to grief and loss.

There’s just a number of things....But like, he isn’t wrong about the frailty and weaknesses of people. We see that everyday in how our species can be so involved in greed and vice and hedonism for the sake of selfishness. That stuff is true and not wrong, and sometimes those things make me wonder whether or not the death of us all due to not being able to stop climate change is deserving. But at the same time, thinking only of those things also ignores all of the beautiful things our species is able to create. Our fragility and ephemeral natures are what make our life special and urge us to create beautiful art and appreciate life. We also have an incredible capacity to care for others and to surpass expectations with sheer will if we want to, but as they say in Spider-Man, with great power comes great responsibility and it is unfortunate that some people wield what power they have irresponsibly to the point that the rest of us can’t have nice things.

And like that point he makes is also expressed in X/1999 as well through the Dragons of Earth. That’s another influential work on me and I actually totally root for the Dragons of Heaven, but I also like a number of the members of the Dragons of Earth and I don’t find them to be wrong either. The earth in that story will either way be reborn, but the point of contention is whether or not humans will be included in it. The Dragons of Earth fight for a rebirth without humans entirely while the Dragons of Heaven fight so that humans can be given a second chance to take better care of their home. The ironic thing is that the Dragons of Earth also include essentially a lab experiment created through genetic and bio-engineering science that was once a little girl that was terminally ill, and the other a technopath that can talk with machines. Both things represent the innovations of mankind, but also mankinds step into taboo territory of science where they do science for science’s sake with moral ambiguity and don’t stop to think if they should do something. They are examples of humans playing god and the lines between what is a life and what isn’t becoming blurry. To that end, Satsuki the technopath, asks one question of Yuzuriha about the position of the Dragons of Heaven about why humans are deserving to be included in the rebirth. It’s so poignant because the Dragons of Earth are themselves humans and her powers as well as Nataku’s exist because of human innovation. Yuzuriha isn’t able to answer at all though and so Satsuki kills her guardian dog. But Satsuki isn’t really being evil, she just wanted Yuzuriha to think and answer and there’s all kinds of answers and she really just wanted to know why it’s okay to prioritize human life above all others. It’s a fair question giving what they are fighting for but not one she really cared for an answer to. She just wanted Yuzuriha to actually think about her position rather than just take for granted that her side is saving people. But I think it’s true too because why is it okay to kill animals, but not people? I’m not a vegetarian, but even outside the food industry often our businesses and way of life displace animals in favor of space for us. I admit I do so too in terms of how I kill spiders and bugs that enter my home, but they are just doing them. Plus when a lot of Westerners think of solar panels they only think of “empty space” as in no humans live there, but actually there’s no space on the planet that is truly actually unoccupied as there may be a local ecosystem there that you just don’t see. But if people make that comment, they obviously are only considering people and not the animals. And oil companies go to places for oil because human life requires the use of oil and it is in demand because of how we live, but oil rigs even in the ocean cause a risk to marine life not just from spills but from the mere presence of a foreign object sitting in the middle of the damn ocean. On the daily we prioritize human convenience and life over the lives of the plants and animals around us. I realize this at the same time knowing I am guilty of it too just as everyone else living in a city. I wouldn’t give up doing it either because I find this way of living in an apartment with electricity comfortable, but if I have to think overall for the good of the planet if I deserve to live this way more than the plants and animals that had to sacrifice to give me this space, I have doubts. While I do this to not live like a total hermit recluse and my comforts and entertainment and way of life are fundamentally unnatural, I know somewhere along the line there is a cost. I am unable to compel myself to give it up completely and I suspect most humans would too, so I wonder sincerely if it would be better if humans didn’t exist.

And to be fair, the Dragons of Earth would also question whether or not the Ascians even deserved to exist either. If we’re applying their logic to XIV as well. It’s not like they would take Emet-Selch’s side. I would like to be optimistic about Amaurotine life and think they are better than us without malice, but I can’t be sure. He’s also tempered so you can’t really tell how much truth he told. But I really think the Dragons would wonder if any humans even godlike humans like them even deserved to have so much creation power if it could go haywire in a moment of anxiety, and if they viewed themselves with a superiority complex. The idea for the Dragons is that humans are incapable of coexisting just as the Ascians seem to be incapable of coexisting with the shard planets.

I also just can’t imagine his burden. Like the Scions we play us chose to take up the mantle and fight for the betterment of their lives and other people. They self-started themselves into their situation. Emet-Selch was elected. He was chosen by his people to be a leader and to save them. He was bestowed the responsibility as a representative of them. While I don’t agree with his methods and I can’t imagine that if he did resurrect his people and home that all of them would be all that happy about what he did to do it, I can imagine that is an immense pressure to have to bear and the feeling of failure of being unable to do it or even if he was the one who designed the plan and it failed spectacularly or didn’t go how he expected on top of any possible manipulation he may be experiencing from Zodiark itself. I think perhaps at the time panicked citizens gathered outside the meeting place of the Convocation and clamored for salvation and express their faith in them to please save them. He was respected as one of the most brilliant of them and it seemed their faith in him was quite strong for them to elect him. Imagining the perspective of someone in the position of leader while all hell is breaking loose, I can imagine how that scene can compel a person to fulfill a promise at all costs even if it starts to become murder-y and crazy. Like he probably has imprinted on his mind all of the people down to the smallest child looking up at him and depending on him to help them to continue to live. And it’s just, I don’t know how you forget that even if they all die. It probably haunts you in your sleep, and forces you to re-promise every night to save them. And bear in mind, I still think he’s wrong because the dead are dead. The gone and sacrificed are just gone, but those memories must be there and could be just enough to keep him sticking to his plan. Plus in his grief he recreated his home. He had a point in doing it too, but he did it in such incredible detail. It’s likely there’s bias in it, and I find it amazing that there is an operable store that will actually sell you goods (from a game development perspective it totally makes sense to have something there for the player to get supplies, but seriously from a narrative perspective having an operable store in a town of shades where no one will actually buy anything is depressing af), it’s depressing to know his level of grief to know that he chose to hang out there.

There’s just so many layers too it, I just sit in awe thinking about it.

And then of course, there’s just that he tried. He built up two fascist empires in Allag and Garlemalde for sure, but along the way he had moments where he tried. The Through His Eyes story is just heartbreaking at the end where he talks about his son and where he had hope that maybe the shard people would be okay, but then had all of his hopes dashed when his son died prematurely. Like I can imagine everything going fine with him and he’s going through the motions and doing his plan, but he actually gets emotionally struck by this little baby and watched him grow into a young man. But despite all of his advantages and privilege he dies to an illness reminding him that shard people aren’t all that hearty. He must have experienced similar time and time again as he chose to live among the people. Like the story even talks about how he had concerns of political enemies and even allies that eventually stabbed him in the back as he rose to power as Solus, and I can understand how that can make someone a bit jaded in general, and I mean anyone can get jaded if the people around them that helped to give them their support are all douchebags waiting for their time. Part of it is who you surround yourself with, but I mean, in a political arena where you rise to power to run a country like that, you have a lot of people vying for the same thing so you run into a lot of characters like that. Often, the nice people who don’t pull that shit don’t even bother to take positions like that. Power corrupts absolutely, and let’s even say that outside of him trying to do the Rejoining thing so that he can have his home back he also tried and dabbled in being a decent person as he rose up. Possible considering he funded a theatre troupe and sponsored the arts. He could have tried to be a decent ruler at the same time as trying to bring the end of the world, and maybe in those times where he was trying to be decent he thought about maybe not following through only to have a trusted aid or someone stab him in the back with some kind of political intrigue. It’s possible there was some actual goal-post shifting in his desire to search for hope among the people, but also it’s hard to not be horribly disappointed by people when they do that to you. Like I’m melodramatic sometimes and when something goes wrong, I just say “Ugh, I hate everyone,” but if he experienced that for real, there’s a reasonable amount of expectation that he might feel like shard humans are a waste of space.

And well, his grief. Like he gets really upset when Alphinaud tries to point out that their goals are essentially the same where they are trying to save their respective people and treat the situations like they are equal and he gets upset and says that they are not. He doubles down on the shard people being lesser because they are fragments, which I think is wrong, but I think also Alphinaud is wrong for thinking he can completely understand how Emet-Selch feels. This here is a lesson in grief in general. When you lose something, particularly people you care about, there’s bereavement. You feel like there’s a hole inside you. I felt this when my Dad died. It hurts so much and it’s completely unforgettable. It gets easier to live with because after awhile you just get tired of crying and wallowing in depression and it gets easier to cope with, but the mistake a lot of people make when something bad happens to others is they can say the words, “I know how you feel” when they are trying to give sympathy. I understand it’s the thought that counts and they are trying to say that they understand that you are sad, but sometimes people get angry when they hear that because actually there is no possible way for any other human being on the planet to actually *know* how you feel. Other people may have been able to experience loss and understand loss because they have loss too or have people they also want to protect as is in the case in this game, but every person’s experience is also different. Like I loved and still love my Dad, but part of the horror after his death was finding out from all of his friends and our extended family that he was a different person to everyone. It makes sense that he is because we all had different interactions with him, but when he died I felt like I didn’t know who he was because I learned so many things about him after he died from different people that I just felt lost and felt like I didn’t really know him even though I was his daughter. I had so many questions left and a part of myself and my dreams died with him. As an aside, this is probably especially moving for me at this time of year as the last Christmas he was alive I opted to stay in LA because I had to work and it would be difficult for me to go home for the holidays because I couldn’t get enough time off. Then between Christmas and New Year’s he had a heart attack and was in the hospital for a month and eventually died at the start of February the next year. And like, other people have experienced their father dying, but no one else had to experience the regret of choosing not to go home for what would turn out to be his last Christmas. That was my choice and my experience of his death. No one else made that choice. No one else had to experience coming as soon as I could for New Year’s to visit him in the hospital and just think he was going to be okay only for him to not be able to recover and then die after a surgery. My other family members were there and watched it happen for sure, but they experienced it in their own ways that was separate from mine as I had to go back to work. My sister was even still in school and didn’t talk to the doctors directly while I did, so I fundamentally have different memories and experiences of that time, and even feel slightly different about the whole thing because of that and because of my specific relationship with my Dad. So my grief is incomparable to literally anyone else in the world. I try not to be a dick to people who mean well and try to sympathize or even empathize with me with their own experience, but I totally understand the position of people who do when it happens to them because there is literally no possible way any other person in the world could possibly get it and understand how you feel. I am crushed and heartbroken over that still even though I’ve since healthily moved on with my life, but it still makes me sad and it’s nothing in comparison to losing way more people who may be more or less precious than that, your entire home, and having the weight of the responsibility of being the one person that was in charge of that. I wasn’t really in charge of my Dad’s affairs. My Uncle took the lead on that so I fortunately didn’t have to worry about a lot or do any daily check-ins with the doctors, but my sister and I both had the privilege to decide when we wanted to take him off life support. So I dunno, I can kind of imagine the weight of responsibility, but also completely understand that my situation is nothing in comparison to the weight this character must have felt. It’s not only not quite comparable on the in-game kind of racist basis of shard people vs full Amaurotines, but not comparable in terms of the actual grief or responsibility.

For me especially, knowing all that, there’s so much compelling about the character and so much I want to say to him that the game won’t let me. Even to kind of scold Alphinaud a little too for being a bit to presumptuous.

Grief though is....a terrible partner. It can linger with you for some time, and there’s so many clues to it in Emet-Selch’s behavior. A lot of people point to his slouching, and I noticed the peculiar shape of his eyebrows. No matter what his visage or expression his eyebrows are in perma-grief/sorrow position. That furrowed look a person has when they are sad. But even more than that, in re-watching his scenes I noticed how much he likes talking about sleeping and taking naps and how fond he is of passing the time that way. It didn’t hit me until I re-watched them and a lot of the fandom writes it off as laziness, but no, that is grief. That is depression and mourning. That was how I spent a good chunk of the first year. Sure I went to work and went through the motions of life, but I enjoyed sleep so much. It passed the time and meant less time and opportunity for my brain to think about how my Dad was gone. In my dreams and sleep too I would dream of him. Like I’d dream of being in the passenger seat of his car and we’re just driving somewhere. In real life sometimes it was nowhere in particular. Like a couple of times he’d just take us cruising and go somewhere and like his 2nd or 3rd car he had that I remember before he totaled it, there was a turbo in the car and he’d make us laugh by using it on off-ramp turns when we’re getting off the freeway. And when I sat in the front seat, I’d have my hand to my side and at the lights and times when he didn’t need his hand on the stick, he’d hold my hand and rub the back. When he died I escaped my reality by dwelling a lot of my free time in sleep and naps so I wouldn’t have to face the reality that he was actually gone. There’s no time limit though on grief and bereavement, and I had it so bad for one person that I was particularly close to for quite a long time. I can’t imagine how I would be myself to lose everything. The first year for me was the worst, but I think I was severely affected for at least 3-5 years. I slept so much. I never erased his number from my phone’s SIM card either. I was scared to. His number was surely given away to another person, but I had to get my phone stolen before I finally lost it. After the funeral, I didn’t even unpack my bag from the trip. My duffel just sat there in the middle of the room for at least a month because I didn’t want to open it and have to face that I went to a funeral.

On top of that, I have anxiety from trauma and different childhood stuff and other kinds of insecurities, and more recently PTSD from the trauma of harassment, but I’m in a healthier place now. I’m a lot more balanced and happy and I’m okay. When I wasn’t though I wasn’t a good person. I still tried to be a good person, but there were a lot of times where I was selfish or crazy now that I look back on it, and it’s just when you are grieving or even in the middle of your mental health battles it is so hard to keep everything straight and to not be awful. It doesn’t excuse my behavior, and it doesn’t excuse Emet-Selch’s either, but I can also see he’s being a dick because he’s suffering and probably not entirely in his right mind from grief on top of being tempered to Zodiark. Grief makes you fucking crazy. I just can’t even begin to imagine the little neurotic things that he must have started doing to cope even though I know all the little stupid things I did to try to get through it. I cried every time I saw a reminder of my Dad too, but like he can also see souls and sees reminders all the time. You get numb to it after awhile, but I can just imagine that is some kind of hell.

So just all of that together, after all those end-game scenes I just came to love the character so much. I just can’t hate him.

And then I was like looking up character rankings and other people’s interpretations and love for him. He’s not included yet in any official rankings, but a number of people who have played several FFs have found him to be one of their favorites of the entire franchise. Man, I think he deserves it though.

A lot of people compare him to Ardyn though, and I understand Ardyn’s story too and I see him as sympathetic, but XV wasn’t really executed well so I wasn’t able to really experience sympathy for him as I should have. Like logically I understand, but I don’t really feel it and I found him so much more annoying during the time I did see him that I just can’t really feel for him. It’s more an execution level problem.

Then I was reading a bunch of people commenting on Kuja from IX and I understand Kuja too, but at the same time still don’t feel it. Like I can’t connect why having a shorter life or anything would still compel someone to be murder-y. Like I feel bad for him still, but I also think like he could have just as well rebelled by being a complete foil and saving everyone instead of doing his intended mission of destruction. Plus like IX wasn’t as good as I hoped.

And then like, to this day I still don’t really understand Kefka’s appeal. Like a lot of people like him because he’s crazy? So people like him because he’s like the Joker, but I find even the Joker to be more interesting than Kefka and Kefka gives me the creeps because I hate clowns. For some reason I’m okay with the Joker, but I hate all other clowns. I played through all of VI and I just don’t get why people think he’s good because he’s just evil for evil’s sake and weird.

Sephiroth I like, but also partly my sister is a Sephiroth worshipper, but I have sympathy for him too. Like a lot of criticism of him is that he want on a tantrum, and yeah that wasn’t the shining moment, but of all of the franchise’s villains Sephiroth is the only one who I would consider letting him win. The reason for that relates to the aforementioned Dragons of Earth philosophy because he was created through humans meddling with science they shouldn’t have been screwing with and human experimentation. I know not all humans committed the crime against him and did that to him, but I don’t really have an argument for why a species with asshole scientists shouldn’t die either. I understand regular people weren’t responsible for that and ShinRa is a garbage company that is slightly better now under Rufus and everyone working together against Sephiroth, but like from Sephiroth’s perspective he is actually different and not human. Humans lab created him and fucked him over and he didn’t ask to be created or their experiment, and I don’t know. I don’t really think I’d know how I’d react if I found out my entire existence was a lie and found out I was being used. There’s no way anyone else could imagine that because all of us have the safety of knowing our own reality and identity. He was definitely mistaken for thinking himself a Cetra and there is some question as to whether he is in control or if Jenova is in control of his mind, but I don’t have a defense-able excuse for what happened to him either. So I can kind of understand what he wants to do, and I’m okay with it same as how I’d be okay if all of us died from global warming because of what our species has collectively done to the planet. Like I can do my part and maybe I’m a good person and worthy of living and I might do my best with what limited power I can, but collectively as humans we are a trash species that is selfish. The same as how I can’t excuse the greedy CEOs and stuff that had an actual hand in leading us to possible doom even though I didn’t directly cause it as a normal person I think it’s okay if all of us humans didn’t survive, I am okay with Sephiroth killing all the people on his planet because of the stuff the jerk scientists did to him. It’s kind of like Good Place logic where it’s actually impossible to be a good person because there’s unknown side effects to industries where a company cuts corners somewhere and ends up exploiting some other person or destroying something else. It’s just impossible. 

I still think real life humans should be responsible with nature as much as they can, but there’s something about our species’ innate laziness where we stick to the latest fad solution without thinking about how actually energy solutions are complicated and won’t work for every situation but there’s some meme on Facebook talking about how this one latest thing is the best thing since sliced bread and we should all switch to it immediately. Like, no. There isn’t one magical solution. The annoying thing for me isn’t that people are trying. It’s good that they are trying to be better and to find alternate solutions, but it really pisses me off when I see the latest meme conservation or eco-friendly thing that suggests a 100% switch to this thing or that is the answer to all of our woes. It’s not. Like one thing I saw was a thing that suggested we switch to all hemp fabric because of the cost of water that raising cotton. Like fair, cotton uses a lot of water, but like if you think that everyone is going to be able to switch to hemp you are a fucking idiot. Cotton is popular for a reason because it is soft and comfortable whereas hemp is a more harsh material and is more prone to causing skin irritation and allergies in people which is why it’s less popular. Should some brands consider switching to hemp if it is not a huge deal for them to be that soft? Absolutely. Should we find ways for us to reduce our reliance and usage of cotton? Of course. But all switch to hemp instead of cotton completely? No. That’s ridiculous, stupid, and completely illogical. Plus it only causes new kinds of industries and opportunities for exploitation because remember these plants can’t just grow anywhere. Plants all have optimal locations for them to survive. Then like energy solutions like solar panels, geothermal plants, and windmills. Yeah, they are more eco-friendly and have less dangerous output to the environment, but you are also stupid to think that they don’t have a cost. Windmills and solar panels in particular have a spacial cost, and a lot of people think we have a lot of empty space except no space is empty because *animals* live there. There are habitats there even if humans aren’t there, asshole. And windmills are tall so they can interrupt bird flight paths and stuff too. What happens if you build a windmill in the habitat of an endangered bird? And geo-thermal plants aren’t suited for all locations. There has to be an optimal place that has access to a compatible spot and you have to drill to make the passageways for the energy to pass through and like, that’s drilling near places that have geo-thermal activity so presumably they are also active and maybe have earthquakes and volcanoes. Kind of like how fracking can cause earthquakes, imagine a badly positioned geo-thermal plant. Or like what if a place just doesn’t have the proper rock bed that can support a geo-thermal plant. Like Florida has a lot of sink holes. Does that sound safe to have a powerplant built over a place that could randomly develop a sinkhole? It’s like, I appreciate people are trying to find solutions, but it makes me fucking angry that people are so short-sighted that they tout every random thing as the next miracle solution when it isn’t. It’s just an alternative for the right location. I like people knowing about it, but it isn’t a thing that’s appropriate for every fucking place on the planet. Energy is complex and you have to survey the local area and find out what works for that location. This is a complex issue, and there’s so many people that are just averse to thinking complexly or wanting to do any actual thought into making a workable solution that I just can’t bring myself to really care that much about whether or not our species lives. Like if you’re going to put all of 20 seconds of thought into a complex energy solution that could severely fuck up nature, your neighbors, and all the animals then why even bother? Like the solution is even worse than the actual problems because no one actually wants to think about them. It’s still humans thinking selfishly and only of themselves. So even though I will do my best to do my part, I don’t really care at all if climate change kills us all because most humans out there only want to do half-assed measures or something that makes them look good in front of their friends.

And like, back to the actual topic of genocidal FF villains, seriously if their reasoning is relatively okay, I can’t really bring myself to dislike them if they want to kill everyone because humans are trash. Like, I understand.

[seenashwrite]

The Nail's Spring/Summer 2017 Round-Up: Gold Star Stories

My favorites - and some of yours, too! - from the first season [May - August]  of “The Nail”. These folks didn’t just nail it, they drove that sucker clean through walls, floors, ceilings, and didn’t break a sweat. I aimed for top 10, but I had a hard time choosing, so you’re getting my top 20. Introspective heart-grabbers, adventures through time, and chuckle-worthy tales from the world of Supernatural await you [including 4 short supernatural-ish originals that you won’t wanna miss].  

~ A Quick Nash Note ~

Publishing "The Nail" is so labor-intensive, it's taking some happy away from me in terms of just reading and enjoying. I kinda turned myself into a psycho-hose-beast critic when the point was just to shine a spotlight on writers who were doing this up like it was headed to the publisher and/or the screen; the over-and-beyond'ers, if you will.

So I'm thinking this is best-suited to a seasonal jam. Since I'm not pulling from a specific time frame anyway, this'll be like tossing out a highlight reel. It should coincide kinda nicely with what are often "down times", like holidays and spring/summer breaks. Hopefully. Possibly. We shall see.

In any event, I've re-arranged some stuff and majorly streamlined to hopefully make things easier on Curators [readers: we love you ever-so-much] when it comes to nominating.

Go HERE for past editions, it'll lead you from there.

Fall/Winter [September - December] edition will pop up sometime after New Year's, then maybe another one of these round-ups prior to Spring/Summer ‘18 [Chuck willing & the creek don't rise, ‘cause phew].

Happy Reading! XO - Nash.  

PS: Don’t read into the length of my descriptions for these, not showing favoritism, I just pulled from whatever I’d put on the post where it was featured

PPS: also didn’t include series, poetry, or fandoms other than SPN for this round-up, check the original posts via the link above to peruse those offerings

*~* In order of title *~*

.

A HAUNTED LIFE  -  @idontneedasymbol

Deferring to the author’s on-point summation - “Some hauntings require salt and fire. Others aren’t that easy. Dean runs into someone he knows, and Sam tries to make things right.”

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BLACKBERRIES  -  @sexystripedtie

A look at how we can make substitutions, replace the bad with the good, though it never erases the pull of the past.

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CRAPULOUS  -  @butiaintgonnaloveem

A tale of a hangover, a vampire stake-out that went awry, and mysterious underwear await.

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FOR CAS - @jhoomwrites / @casbakespie​

A stunning coda to the season twelve finale, looking into a focused, driven, yet serene Dean’s response after he rose from his knees.

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GOOD BOYS - @defilerwyrm

A poignant look into an alternative history wherein John Winchester chooses to allow Dean and Sam to be adopted into a nurturing home, far from the supernatural - to say more would spoil, though rest assured: the ending will take your breath away.

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GOOD NIGHT, LITTLE KING  -  @moonlightcas

At the age of six, Sam receives a visitor - this story is perfectly plausible in canon, and has a slightly chilling, pressing, foreboding tone, all without being suffocating - and the timing of the reveal is Absolutely. Spot. On.

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HEROES  -  @blackcaptainrogers

A story with a perspective twist not typically utilized, highlighting the blend of trepidation with strength that is felt when confronted with needed sacrifice.

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IMPERFECT  -  @zepppie

Lives weave together, then pull apart, happens every day - this is the story of a hunter looking back on the portion of her life spent with Dean, told with such fluidity your heart will be ached and be soothed, all at the same time.

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I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND  -   @impala-dreamer

A no-dialogue vignette that paints a striking picture of the protagonist's memories, when he thinks back on the moments he held his beloved's hand.

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LET’S SWAYZE THIS MOTHER  -  @emilywritesaboutdean

They thought Gabriel had been taken out of the equation. They were wrong. Oh wow, were they ever wrong.

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MILK - @just-another-busy-fangirl

A graveyard shift at the Gas-n-Sip gets a lot more interesting for a bored clerk when a black Impala pulls up out front.  

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NOT EMPTY NOW  -  @sp-oops

This is a heart-grabber, one that will make you think and laugh and sigh, the story of the evolving dynamic between a hunter and an archangel, featuring pristine characterization from beginning to end - and it’s a damn fine ending.  

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SUNDOWN, SUNDOWN  -  @thayerkerbasy 

Deferring to author’s pitch-perfect summary - “Crowley was done. After hundreds of years and one last sacrifice, he was done. Except, somehow, he wasn’t.”

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THE LONG, FULL YEARS  -  @ariannnawinchester

What happens in the life story of the Winchesters after “The End” has been written.

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THE ORANGE THING  -  @fanforfanatic​

Easy read of a story that’s guaranteed to make you chuckle, all about an everyday activity gone rogue.

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THE REST  -  @mrswhozeewhatsis

Lives overlap in this story, where we're taken back in time to an afternoon in young Sam's life. Deferring to author’s summary - “It’s all about what you give away and what you keep for yourself.”

~ Original Pieces ~

A GENTLE, TIRED SIGH  -  @hamartiamacguffin

A melancholic, somewhat poetic tale that is an excellent example of putting just enough plot information out there so the ending can unfurl gracefully.

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BOOKS ABOUT BETTER GIRLS  -  @inkskinned

Not every princess spends her days alone in the tower.

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HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE MONSTERS - @rainygalaxynerd

We’re dropped into the middle of a situation with no real bearings of which way is up, no way of knowing whose side we should be on - and it is bare, it is dark, it is gritty, it is unapologetic, and it reads like a scene straight out of a Scorsese flick.  

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THE HOUSE OF GRUMLY  -  @erinnightwalker

“Everyone knew that the Widow Grumly’s granddaughter was a werewolf.”

Well done, all. You thought these through & it showed. We thank you.

[ginasneesby]

September- Viv and Andy part 2

On my previous trip to New Zealand in 2008, I and my friends spent a crazy month driving around the whole country with multiple stops and lots of road time, this time round I wanted to spend less time in the car and more time doing things. Top of Viv and Andy’s list was Whale watching in Kaikoura which is on the South Island near Christchurch. With our base in Auckland we decided to fly down meaning maximum time doing stuff and no long days hauling ass down the country. Domestic travel is super easy in NZ so I booked us some last minute fights to Christchurch  for the Monday and with no plans till the next day we were able to take our time and minimise travel stress.

We got in mid-afternoon and with google maps in hand tried to work out where our hostel was in relation to the airport, fairly typically I remember it being the opposite side of town, but decent buses and small bags meant it wasn’t too much of a hardship. We stayed at a youth hostel near the botanical gardens in a 3 person room, I guess meant for a family with one child, Viv and I hadn’t shared a room for a good few years so that was a bit weird; but it was comfy enough and we were going to be out most of the time anyway. After a quick freshen up, and a mini google, we headed back out to find somewhere to eat, Monday night in a big city, shouldn’t be too hard eh?

The town centre was absolutely dead. The shopping streets were clean and well-kept with big high street brands, wide streets with multiple pedestrian crossings and yet no people around except us. There didn’t appear to be any little bars dotted around, no bustling restaurants, the only place we found that had a few restaurants/bars in one location was dark and shut up. Perhaps this is different at the weekend, but it gave a slightly abandoned vibe, since the 2011 earthquake it seems lot of people left town for safety/work/the ability to drive on roads that hadn’t collapsed; and really you can’t blame them. We eventually found a small place that was one of those airstream caravans with a heated outdoor seating area that did burgers and pints of beer, by this point we were pretty hungry so it would have been good but honestly, I remember it being particularly good. On the way back to the hostel we passed a giant old school joystick controller mounted in the pavement which was linked with a large screen on the side of a building, with this you could play a giant game of space invaders. Again, we were the only people around in the streets so we played undisturbed for some time; although Andy was the only one good at it so after a while we gave up.

We were picked up Tuesday morning by a local man with a van who drove us all the way up to Kaikoura for the day, it’s about a 3 hour journey so a lot of driving for a day trip, but if you wanna see whales, Kaikoura is where you need to be. It was also really great to have a local drive us as we didn’t know much about the earthquake, save what had been on the news, so getting his insight and experience was sobering but important. On the way out the city, he pointed out some of the local sights that were no longer there, including the CTV building that completely collapsed leading to 115 of the 185 deaths in the disaster. The roads up the coast were also all twisted and broken having been fixed up slowly over the previous 7 years, at one point completely undriveable due to landslides and collapse. They took a long time to be fixed to the point of everyday use partly due to the extensive damage but also lack of money in region (Canterbury is quite a large area to share a budget).

Looking into the earthquake, the reason it was so devastating was three fold:

1)      It measured 6.3 on the Richter scale, the epicentre was only 6 and half km from the city centre and it was shallow. This meant there was simultaneous vertical and horizontal ground movement, with eye witness accounts describing people being ‘tossed in the air’ as well as increased liquefaction causing more ground movement, undermining many building foundations.

2)      There had been 2 large quakes in 2010, one measuring 7.1, which had already weakened some buildings and infrastructure in and around the city.

3)      It was midday so the city centre were full

 We made our way fairly slowly up the coast with a bit of chat and narration, over the last 7 years despite the money problems, a lot of work had been done to make these roads passable. Highways in New Zealand are pretty much all single lane and in most places it’s the only road, so with highway 1 out of commission there is no way north from Christchurch without going across to the west coast and back again (a 400km dogleg.) We were booked on a whale tour in the early afternoon and arrived with just enough time to have a loo stop and a quick drink before heading out; we had to watch a health and safety video first which was basically, boat go fast/sit down. The company then took us the last bit of the way to the harbour and onto the boats which were catamaran style and set up inside with swish bucket seats. The boat was pretty full with what seemed to be one large group of Chinese tourists so if we had any hope of getting 3 seats together and by the window we needed to be quick; I knew from experience that I get a bit sick so having somewhere to sit inside where you can still see the sea is useful. After another small health and safety talk (boat fast/sit) we were on our way; most of these tours have the ‘if we don’t see anything we’ll book you on another tour’ policy which isn’t always great coz people don’t tend to hang around Kaikoura for more than the day they’re booked, but it does mean the company would lose money so they really want to see something as much as we do.

Sick as a dog, I spent the whole time sitting outside on the back staring at the horizon coz I was told staring at a stationary line can help (it didn’t) but I made it through without spewing so I call that a win. We didn’t see much to begin with but these boats are set up with all sorts of underwater gadgets so they can try to identify where whales can be located. Kaikoura sits at the southern end of the Hikurangi trench which has depths of 3km very close to shore which has led to a large number of deep sea species ending up here; this food source is pretty irresistible to whales and so unlike a lot of places they can regularly be seen within a short distance of the coast. The boat sent out a pulse thing and the responding squeaks gave us a heading and eventually we came upon some sperm whales; the sickness subsided for a few minutes so I could watch and take some pics. To be honest, the whales were great, but even just being on the sea and looking back across the southern alps was amazing enough to justify the days travel, I’ve never heard my sister exclaim as much as our drive up once we got near the mountains. We returned to the harbour and were met by our driver who took us into Kaikoura for our included fish supper, having felt sick for the last few hours a giant pile of chips with decent ketchup was literally the best.

On our journey back we went at our own pace stopping for photos across Kaikoura, the southern alps and the pacific ocean; every one suitable for display like most of the south island. We also came across roughly a billion seals lying on spits of rock right next to the coastal road who were totally unfazed by our proximity and were, I swear, posing. The main bulk of the journey back we spent listening to our own things, I’m pretty sure I had the newest episode of ‘My dad wrote a porno’ which I was trying to get through without disturbing the driver or laugh so hard he asked what I was listening to. Having consulted my guests, we cannot remember what we did that night so it was clearly super important but having had a long day I’m sure we just flopped into bed.

Our flight back wasn’t until the evening so we had the whole day to play with in Christchurch; I wanted to go to the earthquake memorial which was a short walk through town. I had been the CHCH briefly in 2008 but only stayed for a half day due to time constraints so I don’t really remember what it looked like; I only really have a picture in my head of an old cathedral with a spire on a square. This, as it turns out, was the famous Christchurch cathedral who’s spire fell in 2011 and still wasn’t safe for visitors so they had built a ‘transitional cathedral’ while they fixed up the original. This was right next to the earthquake memorial so we were able to see both; the memorial ‘185 empty white chairs’ is a sombre little patch of grass on a junction with a bunch of chairs all painted white to represent the 185 people that lost their lives. The chairs are all different and range from wicker to kitchen to office to wheelchair, there’s even a baby carrier as sadly there were some children who died. There is discussion of how to make this memorial permanent as the chairs are just made of normal chair material and have required some upkeep and painting since 2012; I think it’s totally worthwhile as it’s a poignant reminder of the 5th worst disaster in NZ history.

After lunch we still had some time so we headed to the Canterbury museum in the botanical gardens, here there was a large exhibition on Antarctic exploration as a number of famous expeditions have taken off from CHCH. Now people tend to travel from Chile or Argentina as it’s a shorter journey by sea and they come to the Antarctic Peninsula which has a lot of wildlife, however, what’s-his-name Scott and thingy Shackleton didn’t know this in advance so left from NZ on a few trips. I don’t remember what else was in the museum but we did head to the café for a cuppa and large piece of cake before retracing our steps from a few days earlier and heading to the airport. I was really hoping for us to get back in time for my regular Wednesday night pub quiz at Zac’s bar; we just about made it only missing the first round. As we were 3 extra we had to form our own team so Canterbury UNT were not the same size as all the other teams put together; I don’t remember how we did but I’m sure we won. Right?

[frozenartscapes]

My Thoughts on The Ice Dress

So, while it’s difficult to tell, it’s unpopular opinion time (or maybe it’s popular opinion time? Who knows?): I’m not a huge fan of the whole ice dress trend in Frozen. It seems like the fandom is split 50-50 on this, but here are my thoughts about it.

Don’t get me wrong: the original ice dress is beautiful, and its symbolism is also very important. It was born consuming the dress from Elsa’s coronation, turning the dark and conservative fabric into a shining, free-flowing, and beautiful outfit representing everything Elsa desired to become during Let It Go. In that moment she’s not dwelling on the past, on the pain, on trying to be perfect - she’s only focused on being herself. The dress represents a transformation in her character in that moment, and it is incredibly important both for the story and for who she is.

But...personally, I think that’s also my issue with it. The thing I find so poignant about it is that not even ten minutes movie-time after that transformation, she’s back to all her old habits: she’s anxious, she’s fearful, she’s berating herself. After that incident with Anna, and finding out about the state of Arendelle, it’s like that whole incredibly powerful song never even happened. Nothing really changed aside from something superficial like her wardrobe. The real change happens later, when she accepts her sister into her life again.

I get the point of continuing to have her in the ice dress: as mentioned earlier, it’s meant to be a representation of her throwing away the past and starting new. But, I’m not so sure having her always in that dress is the best way to go about it.

There’s the fact that it’s lazy, especially given how Anna seems to have a new outfit every time its indicated there’s been a day change. I get animation is a difficult medium but do you really think a fucking Queen capable of making her own clothes would wear the same damn thing everyday? It’s either telling me she literally wears the same dress everyday or that uniquely creative personality you’re trying to give her is going out the window because she only knows one dress style.

But here’s the thing where I see most of the fandom either in agreement or disagreement: I like her jacket dress better. For two reasons: one, visually, I just like it better. I like the patterns, the details, the colour. It just goes much better with her character, I find. And two, it’s more practical. It’s normal, it’s casual - you know, as far as royal clothing in the 19th Century goes. I can’t tell you how annoyed I get when I see things where Elsa’s out in the fucking woods and she’s doing so with a long, very delicate train of ice dragging after her (the comics are especially bad for that). Like, I can get in the context of the actual movie why she’d maybe be doing that, but for every other time now that she’s back home and has access to clothes better suited for hiking through the forest I refuse to believe she’d be that stupid. Don’t believe me? Even her actress in Once Upon a Time can attest to the dress being bad for wandering through the woods.

The jacket dress also has an interesting trait that I really think is lost on any of the ice dress variations, and don’t worry: I’ll get to those. Take a look at what Anna is wearing, and also what their parents are wearing:

Now compare that to the jacket dress:

There are influences from these other characters in this style of dress, influences that are lost in the ice dress. Granted, the rosemaling style is typical for the region Arendelle is based on, but that’s only one connection. The colour scheme is very similar to that of her mother’s dress. Same thing goes for that blue broach on her collar. But the jacket - that’s more like her father. Note the little crocus you can see on her belt in the concept art. The same design appears on the cuffs of his sleeves (although it’s difficult to tell in these images). While a bit of a stretch, the fact that she’s in an outfit like this rather than something more similar to Anna tells me that there’s some kind of connection being made to him, and his choice of a military uniform-style, even when not making formal appearances. Elsa, being a princess, wouldn’t wear something quite so obvious, but the jacket still is a nice callback.

But the ice dress and it’s variations don’t have any connection. They are entirely separate from her past life, and, by proxy, her parents. There’s nothing there anymore. And if they had been presented in a way that made them less amiable, and more abusive, I can see this as a good thing. But they weren’t. Misguided, yes, but I choose to believe that after that initial bad decision they spent the rest of their lives trying to make up for it, and the King’s heartfelt and genuine “You’ll be fine” is indicative of that. I don’t believe that Anna and Elsa especially have moved on from their deaths as much as the movie and shorts are showing. Elsa, who internalizes so much, who loved her parents with all her heart so much that she refused to touch them fearing causing them harm, who never got to hug them goodbye but instead simply curtsied as if they were foreign dignitaries and not her parents, who asked fearfully if they really had to go, who was never even able to go to their funeral because of her powers, I think, would have so much to work through. Even more so now, now that she’s finally allowing herself to feel and think about her emotions and is finally beginning to process those thirteen years of piled up issues. And I don’t think the ice dress is doing anything to help that.

Instead I would have preferred her going back to those same colours and styles, maybe initially concerning the people close to her that she was falling back into old habits. But she’s not, it’s just that those clothes are a way for her to still feel close to the parents she never allowed herself to touch. Maybe, slowly, she starts adding little touches with ice to make the outfits more her, but it’s just a little thing. I realize that this would warrant a whole short, if not chunk in a movie to explain, and it’s much easier visually to continue putting her in the ice dress for the shorts. But they could have done this in a comic or something.

And, ok, while the last little bit there is more of my own headcanon, what I will say in the broader sense is that the ice dress really should have been reserved for more special occasions. Honestly, if they had made the Frozen Fever dress as something that wasn’t just a carbon copy painted green and pink, and maybe utilized a more practical jacket dress or even if they had started the short with her in a more normal dress I wouldn’t have minded. Depending on what you choose to believe is canon, either Anna’s birthday occurred a few weeks after the events of Frozen, or it happened a little less than a year after. And I’m honestly not sure which is better: that Elsa literally wore the same dress for several weeks after making it or that she wore the same thing, perhaps on and off but still coincidentally on the day the short began, for almost a year. Maybe for the actual celebration the flower/ice dress would have been cool to change into, but for the bulk of the short they’re running around town - by the pier, up a clocktower, riding a bike - and especially before when it’s just the setup why bother with something with a long-ass train behind you? There’s only so much believability you can give, and considering one time I nearly wiped out because my pant leg got caught in the chain of my bike I refuse to believe that that tandem bike would work with that dress.

Same thing goes with the newest dress for Olaf’s Frozen Adventure: it’s an improvement, but it’s still the same kind of shape and form, and it still has that long fucking cape. It’s a beautiful cape, don’t get me wrong, but for the whole short? Where it looks like there’ll be more hiking through the woods, more traversing the town, and skating - where, again, I might be able to believe it if it were just Elsa, what with her being the Snow Queen and all, but have you ever been skating? There’s a reason figure skaters don’t wear long, flowing pieces on their outfits. The smallest thing that isn’t ice getting caught under your skate will send you flying. And don’t even get me started on the fact that it looks like Elsa’s able to spin like that in high heels. Those must be the strongest heels in existence.

I’m actually a little disappointed that the creators of Frozen never made a “blooper reel” like some other animation companies do. Because never has there been a movie that warranted it more: think about all the ice blunders, the surprise snowballs, the various hijinks that can occur when mixing people and skates. But there should be a whole segment of Elsa getting clotheslined by all the capes she wears getting caught on stuff.

And while some people may point out that long capes seem to be her thing, as the coronation dress also has one, to that I say: It was a coronation dress. It was supposed to be grand, and stunning, and impressive. It was also supposed to be worn solely for that night. How many people choose to believe that literally any other queen in history wore the same thing she wore to her coronation around her castle afterward? Do you honestly think Queen Elizabeth II was wandering around Buckingham Palace a few days after her coronation in the same thing, with that long, fur-lined train dragging around after her? No. So why would Elsa? The thing about the coronation dress, and any of the ice dresses, is that they are meant to give an idea of her character to other people, specifically her subjects and other dignitaries. The long trains and the intricate embellishments show off her status as Queen. But when she’s not trying to show off - when she’s alone or with close friends and family, it just seems out of place and impractical. It’s on the same level as Anna racing off into a winter-cursed forest in a summer ballgown. We were shown just how well that worked out, so why not the other way around? 

My last point (I swear I’m almost done) is this: the ice dress reminds people that Elsa is the Snow Queen. Nothing particularly wrong with that, except when it’s constantly reminding people of that, both fictional characters in-universe and us, as the real people watching/reading the media. As of right now, having seen some of the comics and what they’ve been doing in the various shorts, the writers are trying very hard to make sure we all know Elsa has ice and snow powers. Whether or not that’s their choice, or something they were told to do by Disney’s marketing department, is up in the air. But it is happening, anyway. And while it is important for us to see that she’s since gotten much more comfortable with people knowing what she can do, there is a way to take that too far. Because right now, Elsa’s sole identity is based off her powers. Especially so in how she presents herself to minor characters. There’s really no attempt made to differentiate Elsa as a character from her magic: she is defined by being the person with magic. And this isn’t particularly great for her character - it limits growth and development when all she’s known for is her magic. There are other facets of Elsa’s character that are being swept under the rug to make way for more snow-based hijinks, and honestly it’s not a very smart move. I’d argue that a lot of Elsa’s charm as a character came from her more relatable personality traits, such as how she handles nervousness, or her intense drive to be responsible and grown up in the face of so much pain and misfortune, or even despite how quickly she had to grow up she still had this underlying playfulness and kindness. Elsa is much more than her magic, and as much as we love to label her as the Queen of Ice and Snow, she isn’t just that. So by parading her around in the same icy dress all the time, all that’s really happening is that visual of her being a magic snow queen is constantly being pushed at us, with no attempt made at trying to show any other side of her character. I’d be less annoyed by this if it also wasn’t reinforced by constantly having her solve any problem by using her magic (in this case I’m talking more about the comics). Magic - or any physical power - should never be used as a defining character trait. It might have influences in things that actually define a character, like in Elsa’s case how her magic was the reason she harbours so much guilt about the past and now does everything in her power to fix it. The focus needs to be on the character and who they are as a person, not their abilities. Focusing only on that makes a story boring, and a character flat and one dimensional (especially given the range of Elsa���s abilities, it seems like there’s nothing she can’t solve, which doesn’t allow for any conflict).

To be completely honest, I would have actually preferred the ice dress more if it was like the one from the upcoming musical. From the sound of things, that dress changes to fit Elsa’s mood, so while it might start glittery and magnificent when she first makes it, it later shifts into something more resembling rags once she starts beating herself up for her mistakes. It makes the dress dynamic, and better represents Elsa’s mental breakthrough regarding her powers and how she feels about them. It shows us that there’s more to it than simply spawning a nice dress and everything being ok, and it shows us that her recovery isn’t quite as quick and easy as it first seemed. But by keeping the dress static, never changing even its shape from day to day, and only varying from other forms by colour, or sleeves, or adding a few embellishments, it’s not really helping her character. It’s latching onto that Snow Queen image and not letting go, and not allowing any other aspects of her personality to show through. It’s also super impractical in, like, 90% of the things she does. That’s not to say it’s a bad dress, or what it’s come to symbolize is wrong, but it’s something that really should have been toned down in its usage. I’m really hoping they do that in the sequel.

[joolabird]

Staying awake instead.

let’s talk about mental health, shall we? I am twenty two years old, and sometimes on a perfectly normal week in July, I become completely debilitated by anxiety and depression. You see, I have always identified as an anxious person. At a young age turning to therapy and medication for support in tackling some of their effects. But upon some of the more traumatic events of my adolescence, these predisposed ingredients began to collide into the perfect cocktail of thoughts and behaviors that have made it very difficult to live my life at times. I am a very open person. There are very few people who know me, and do not know most everything about me. Often times my anxiety begs to be gathered around. Bouncing ideas about impending doom off of my friends and family. But this depression stuff, is so silent. So shameful. So unlike me. I truly do not think that any knows the magnitude of what these episodes are like for me, except for my sister.

 I never looked at these as depressive episodes until more recently. In my mind mental health issues had to stem from out of the blue, otherwise they couldn’t be real. If mine were stemming from everyday life, then perhaps I was just weak, or unlucky. But quickly I have begun to realize that these are triggers, and although they appear small, often their reaction is completely debilitating for me. My ability to bounce back is taking longer and longer, and the time between the last episode and the next one, is becoming shorter and shorter. I live a beautiful life. How can I be choosing to sleep for almost half of it? 

let me first add that the only reason I am able to write about this right now is because I am beginning to come out of it. And even as I type this, I wonder if I will be able to follow any of my own advice, for in the thick of it I typically have zero desire to change my situation. I call this “the trance.” For in this place, the things i believe about myself, about the world, or about my life and the people in it are completely false and fabricated. But in the trance, I believe them completely. which is truly terrifying for me. Often in the trance I will act out in a way that serves the fear and fabricated thoughts. It’s like sleep walking into the dining room in the middle of the night, and breaking all the expensive china, and having to apologize to my mother in the morning. There has never been an episode, that I have been able to come out of on my own. I have never seen the other side, on my time. No, I have only cowered in the gigantic nature of it and waited for the storm to pass. I am not okay with this. I long to be able to stop it in it’s tracks, and take the day back. Take the week back! 

I watched a Ted Talk the other day about a woman talking about being productive when you are depressed. She said that depressive episodes for some people, are inevitable. But it is the way in which you plan for their arrival that makes all the difference. They say that the best defense is a good offense! And i do not want to feel sorry for myself anymore and try and believe that maybe these will fizzle out on their own. One of the most debilitating things about feeling depressed, is feeling as though you have nothing to look forward to. If tomorrow can be an incentive to get out of bed on a depressive day, then I think I can be okay. This speaker said something really poignant, “Yes depression is real, but hope is also real. Perseverance is real.”

Now I wanna talk about what some of these episodes are like for me, hoping that maybe some of you will find likeness in them. solidarity is everything. 

The biggest trigger for me is feeling out of control. When I feel as though something is slipping out of “place” and my life is gearing up for a catastrophic domino effect. The people or events that have the capacity to take this kind of a toll on me changes all the time, in a perpetual rotation. But when it happens, this is what I feel: 1. Panic that QUICKLY turns into paralysis

2. complete helplessness

3. dark and uninspired

4. inability to cope with current moment

5. loss of appetite

6. only interested in sleep

7. extremely heavy limbs, and unexpressive eyes.

and when I say sleep, I mean a ridiculous amount of sleep. Sleep is the only thing that brings me relief in these times. This week i have slept almost every moment I have not been at work. If I have a day off during a depressive episode, I will put sheets on my windows and not leave my apartment. If I’m lucky I will have made a plan on a healthy day, that I HAVE to stick to on a sick day. That will usually be the only thing that gets me out of bed. During an episode I hate going to sleep at night. I wish each day could blend into one big long day, for the perpetual act of waking up in the morning and remembering where I am, can be unbearable. 

here are some of the things that feel good, or at least not horrible during these times:

1. listening to a fictional audiobook. 

2. exiting social media, or abstaining from it.

3. rooting myself in a good memory, or an environment that feels comfortable and grounding. I kid you not this means watching Harry Potter usually.

4. writing poetry, or recording a song with my ukulele. I made a series of little videos with my camcorder each day I was ‘away” this week. Creativity helps.

5. Talking to a friend about the situation, but also talking to a friend about something else.

Tangible ways I can be on the “defensive” with my depression and anxiety when I feel like it’s coming my way. (think of this as taking a health supplement right before you get a cold).

1. plan ahead

2. make healthy days, productive days. 

3. make healthy days, days you dream big. write them down so you can read them on sick days.

4. limit naps to 3 hours on sick day, day 1. gradually lessen that number each day. maybe on the last day, you can stay awake.

5. take a shower.

6. have a cabinet of healthy food you can prepare on a sick day, to alleviate financial stress and irrational “guilt”. 

7. get to work on time. 

8. talk to shannon, hanna, and emma about what’s happening. 

9. set one thing in the impending days to look forward to. 

10. avoid a nap on a healthy day. read a book instead. take advantage of wanting to be awake. 

So here ya go, Tumblr. I’m on the mend. But I’m sure I’ll find myself in this place again. Thank you for the support, and I hope this sheds some light on some of this stuff for you too. Cheers to beating this kind of stuff! Life’s too short and beautiful to be sleeping.

[the-firebird69]

Pyramids

Each has a name

They are special to us very special. We keep it a secret throughout the duration

We're on them like stink on s*** we have 50000 heading our way white stinky Little ships and I'll take them out and other saying they figured it out when it doesn't matter they sent so many before and we wonder why they keep saying that then we figured out something they think we're dumb then think we arent and they think we're dumb then they get hit.

Use all manner of super computer and make a computer to correct the spelling changes they make okay I'll do it constantly that's if it's going to try and save them or help them make things work they think they are going to make progress by exposing themselves.

huge differences in language and etiquette between us and them they have practically no use for plain English and caught boring and useless went around all day long speaking in mementos and code even talking about working when what they're dealing with his crappy materials crappy weapons and weapons that don't exist but not theirs and they won't be and they can't even control themselves at all when they hear it the ridiculous people who can understand what they're talking about this you know code then they want you to get absorbed into it for us to get repulsed because it's disgusting most of what they do is wasting time then all of a sudden they say what they're doing cuz they're saying it and we realize that it's kind of a tough technique but it's not that tough but it's small enough going to be small when you're small and you have a huge Force watching you that's organized like ours cuz you're forced us to get organized she forced him to train to do it so if you're committing suicide which is really what you're doing you can monitor people quite easily kill them remotely without using any weapons the psychically and we do that a lot and we're expecting you to lose shortly completely once you do you're all going to fall down here I never get out it would be hilarious to us until he refused to tapes when he finds out that other people are suffering like him because you're disgusting repulsive aaronic losers who live in act as animals your behavior is almost exactly like animals it's just that you mimic and copied people and you're losing that you're walking around like animals when is it's feeding time when do I have to poop plus if you have that kind of look on your face where is he's trying to avoid you and is healing and is running around getting things going and he's running shows and he's ordering US troops around and is gaining momentum and he's getting troops and is disabling all of your weaponry doomsday where you just wandering around trying to scavenge for your next bomb or your next meal or place to stay for an hour or day like fragrance and bums it was like poppers don't care what he's living like because you're not intellectuals you don't understand what it can do even though most of you watched him his whole life too ridiculous to him we found out that it's you people annoying everybody the people here so going through you like crap through a goose tons of you came out to see the pyramids and I have for you it's about a trillion the others are from other places of ratios acceptable you've been doing is this hiding there ruining everyone's life sacrificing them thinking you're going to win something by doing it and doing no work sitting here thinking of the riders of the storm if nauseous Lee stupid tells you point blank we're just going to come here and kill out with you this is going to look at when you can't figure it out it's cleaning speaking code since I won't speak in code I'll go around circles for thousands of years saying nothing and I'll get her to like you use us wimps who die young usually.

And another thing stop trying to change reality by messing up the words every week until that you messed them up nothing is spelled right usually nothing is phrase correctly and he looks back and almost all of it is you idiots tampering with it physically or having us do stuff and it pays us cuz we see you didn't see why we see what you want on your way and you can't figure that out what do you say is why don't you try something secrert like your actual spies do, it's too hard we won't let you to blow it off if you want to be this big fat assholes losers with huge moronic faces identify yourselves is 1/8 and you get hit immediately for driving around me or harassing me or trying to come in here and all your stuff gets exposed we have your cannons and your muscles are firing the night happy little douchebags your losing territory here.

Trying a little everyday I getting upset cuz you can't get anything done cuz you don't try the right stuff it's not good enough to help you survive sitting here is threatening me is you all do is a death sentance for all those here and I explained it and it's simple math and you don't get it.

I told you little show people I said you don't listen to it all your screw yourself so often so many times and you're hiding all these lovely secrets that you keep blabbing to other people or just cells what the hell are you doing it looked up winning her hair lyrics from using one of us we're trying to hurt you and we want you to stop what you're doing looks like that's why I'm doing what I'm doing everybody knows that you're freaking twin and a loser to go after you for what you're doing it pays us all the time only a Niger would do it you're doing so he looks up at up at me Hera, and it says we don't get what you're saying it's not clear to us so I sent it again to their language over and over several different ways we do things over and says this is your way of doing things then I said you die every time so he said no we don't I said yes you do I have proof I don't want to send it to you I'd rather have you died what you are doing is annoying as to kill you and your ridiculous.

He's coughed and said well if it's true it's ridiculous when I said was it's ridiculous you're a bunch of buffoons nobody ever has done this this way in history you elected two idiots you're all following idiots idiots don't do things correctly are there an idiot or you're falling the round circular cover they expose you at every turn and every day every dive every day every waterway every river every desert every road every move that you make during the day and anyway they're opening their mouths and grabbing you can see them doing it right there

He said to me Hera we don't know what we're doing wrong and we can't see them doing it if you could tell us please let us know so it sounds like you're retarded and you don't understand what you're doing wrong he said yes I don't get it you're the news internationally globally and on the local level telling every single person your competitors all sorts of things about your nuclear bombs as a fade clear or poignant threat they show up on your doorstep at the news place and cut your head off as soon as you leave the desk.

he said wow that's descriptive I say I don't care for your retard s*** or your retards your verbiage in your talk and it nasty f****** way if you want to die and don't care just continue being an a****** to me and everybody else there's plenty of people who want to take their money back so go away take your stupid f****** self and crap yourself to death with stir a****** so he smiled and said it's true but we can't stop then we said we're going to kill all of you your morons and we can't stand you at all and we see what your people are saying they don't care if they die they want you dead what we say is we want you dead we must make you dye your repulsively stupid you can't find us you can't fight us you can't figure out what invisibility is it's right on your cell phone you freaking moron.

not even sure why you get out of bed in the morning you're so freaking stupid you're in the way of everybody trying to survive because you've had me raising a huge for us to get rid of you and your a****** idiots who I thought was everybody who's a Satanist you freaking moron turns around arms around says shut up to me Hera. So I said to him know we're going to follow you around and collect all your people and kill them in front of you.

He said that's great and I hear this you deserve it it's your free gift so he went around collecting people told him all sorts of stuff to do, things has this we don't have time to handle this so I grab them right away thrown into captivity so I killing all the stupid people in front of him his kids as wife so this is nice we said you're a f****** a****** even in captivity your f****** moron we're going to torture you until you die permanently even if we try to revive you because we want to do it to you so we started doing any starts screaming I don't want to talk to me I should so what so I kept doing it and doing it and doing it finally said this we can't shut up we think we have everything was stupid but we say is we've killed trillions and trillions of you and we show you and you're too stupid to understand it it's your people dying and you used to hold us in check with it hours leave we told you that so he says we can't figure it out so I started to think of something you're so dumb that I can't stand talking to you you're so stupid that I don't understand why you're so stupid and I asked my Father and he said this listen to the exact words they're saying and try and process that and you'll understand it so I did and says this we're trying to steal all your stuff and don't want you to know and then I told the guy we know about that what you're doing is counterproductive to that tell us what to say so no that's ridiculous you're pissing us off again is it worth trying to piss you off because when people are angry they tend to not understand what they're doing and I should we know that you're angry us we get stronger meaner larger much more powerful it works incredibly strangely on him he becomes this massive God, is almost too powerful for us because of you idiots every time I turn around it's got a new weapon system when he invites everybody in and we go in and we understand what he's doing and we help him control and rubbed it all because of you once again you're imbiciles you trust me it says shut up I said don't say that. He kept on blithering so I played his thoughts back to him, it sounded like a moron cuz he is one and it thoughtd sounded like this, I can't help it my father's on my case I don't know what to do we screwed everything up so badly he keeps yelling at us these people keep yelling at us these things are so big and so huge will never defeat them. Then I hear this in a teeny voice from his head we have to stop talking nothing that we say is helping and we can't so I played it back to the guy over and over he finally says this it's true we can't stop talking and it's ruining us then answer this again we know why you think that we know why you do it it's painfully obvious so obvious that your rigmarole is a waste of your time all the time he said this if you think it's something else let us know we said oh sure that's what we think and he said oh then we said it's definitely a major concern

and we leave it out sick and said this is what we do we seek out every single doomsday that you have or are planning and all of your doomsday supplies we seek it out in houses in small sheds in shacks underground in big buildings in store houses everywhere on Earth we read everything I will scan for everything and we interview practically everybody from a city where to find the same thing what are these loud mouth harrigan stupid suckers that you looking for we won't stop talking because we're not so bright and we're more or less animals and I figured out what he saying let's just get rid of them as fast as possible the faster we get rid of him the less trouble and danger going to be in they don't have time to build this soon enough time to go that they're not organized well enough they don't talk to each other they don't count how many wmds you have you don't count how many doomsday they have they don't know if the neighbors doing DOOMSDAY or not they simply don't know. I'll find what they say to be fascinating now just sitting there looking at each other going we don't understand what we did and said you're stupid you told us you're not dying together you told us that you don't have a system that works and knowing what each other is doing and that's a weakness none of you care what's happening to other people now y'all a bunch of animals that I wanted to die and watch others die thinking you can grab stuff because you're massively argant for some reason nobody really can figure out why.

Then they start using debit as swear words and kids talk so ignoring I said this we're going to clean you out hear every night and every day over and over and over till they stop coming I'm going to get rid of them all over the world how do you feel about that they said your dead

I said no you are started whacking him in front of the other ones and then they all started yelling and see if you don't start yelling stop yelling if you do not stop yelling stop yelling we will kill all of you so they started yelling we killed them all left one he asks why leave me alive

We said because we tell them we're going to do this if you do that then they do it and we kill them and we don't know why they're doing that he said it's obvious if they're dead they can't tell you everything so we have a device to record your brain and he said we can't believe that. I said your kind of insane because if we didn't have it we don't have to kill he starts laughing you think you're weak-willed because you kill us when you have a machine that you can record a song suite look like total mass of idiots. Then I said that's why we're calling you massive idiots what you should be doing this what he said hardly any of you picked it up most of you are very stupid and have been so for a long time you're like suckling pigs you have been so for quite a while and in numbers that are grossly huge and said you're correct it's a waste of time to talk to us. the higher-ups wanted to use it to hide and they did for some time and now it is failing them so many people know and talk and spew things to this look since you're going to kill me anyway just wanted to tell you this it says f off and then I said well you already told me what I needed to know and that everybody's looking for so that's pretty much it you're all stupid you're so stupid you just connected your leader is an idiot and won't connect anyone the morons running around and say they're winning because one thing or another we find every time they do. Is it going to just kill me so I did then I'm thinking to myself these people are so ridiculous that we've been wasting time talking to them and he knew it so he created the device where I can't stand is every stupid a******* in my planet is going to want to know what I'm thinking all the time so you have to live like this to a degree because of all you stupid freaking assholes because they can just go in there and find out what was thinking pretty much extremely accurately which is not really that fair and it's dangerous so we have to ask you do you think that you're going to survive after approaching a group like ours and fueling us handing us all your stuff telling us all your weaknesses one of us knowing you sent us two different planets Armenians to a point where we can destroy the planet a million times even if you try and escape we have a network up there to destroy you with and you still run around like we're nothing and see where nothing your hokey as hell hokie hokey as hell you're extremely stupid I have no way of expressing it anymore and that's what he said I was living in was in my whole life watching them ring getting information and now I don't understand why they are dumber than an empty box of tissues it's like relating to a dead horse okay so you're going to sit there and rot away when they're alive it's very weird we found it to what he says is they're bluffing like hell and won't stop bluffing they existed this way for a long time

They won't stop doing we have to clear this area every night to make sure there's no device in there the core etc but he says could be cuz they said you're sitting in the morning so we do here I would do it all over the place we have to nail everything else that we can't reach we're finding out something you can put a bunch of dumb assholes sitting there laughing about it you can see us bombing the living s*** out of you can see that we keep up with it we pull every single one of you and it says you can't an interview you question you and interrogate you and get it all there's never a satisfactory answer for your behavior I will tell you this he fed you some of it and you took it and ran because you want to blame him for a bad attitude that we could care less for and his attitude is not that bad with you but yours is atrocious your massive massive massive assholes assholes to the freaking hills none of your own can stand any of you hear she's going to die tonight all of you because they're sick and tired of hearing you talk in sick of your faces and tired of your a****** sick routine time your s*** talk your s*** face your ass faces your ass walk the whole f****** routine bunch of lazy ass pieces of crap expecting a free gift for treating a bad tree goes bad you don't dead or come in there and kill you now

[stressbakeling]

Hiding from Writing and an Italian Interlude - 8/24/2019

Let’s get meta on writing. I used to write Hamilton style, cranking out poems, prose, rap song parodies and unrequested book and film reviews fueled by what I can only guess was a combination of dormitory stir-crazy and teenaged angst. As I move into my mid to late twenties (such demography), I find myself having to negotiate with myself to keep my buns on a seat long enough to put my words somewhere every thirty to ninety days. Did I stop having creative thoughts or time or... has my personality changed? I feel like I have so many conversations in my head. All day long I’m asking questions, I’m having arguments--I close my eyes and have vivid dreams night after night as the filing cabinet that is my brain dumps itself onto the floor and the tender, anxious nerves of my dying youth rush in to sweep it away and prepare for the next batch. I don’t think it’s because I have nothing to talk about. Yesterday I mused on why blueberries don’t usually end up in jams for about an hour on the train, conceding that it’s probably because their weirdly whitish flesh does not match the color of their purple/blue peel and people just don’t know how to embrace that kind of dissonance (and surely not because of their lack of naturally occurring pectins). I also regularly have time to sink into social media, reading hefty books by dead people, painting tiny figurines for games I don’t play, and of course that super laborious hobby that involves zero dead time whatsoever--bread making. I have time. The time I’ve spent on YouTube watching a Croatian man talk to his giant spiders alone is revealing to the room in my life I have available to barf my head thoughts onto a social media platform that the next generation will probably remember as readily and fondly as mine does of the teletype. “So say it, Marisa! You just don’t wanna!” Well, if that were true, why do I dust this puppy off so frequently? I do wanna. I used to think I wanted to do this for money! Adamantly! When a professor told me my future in such an industry would be compromised if I didn’t show up to three hour workshops weekly and write about ghosts haunting my childhood home, I believed! And while I do occasionally push when it says “pull,” I’d like to think I’m no dunce--certainly I managed to get this far, and ten years ago I don’t think my logic was tragically worse off. K, let’s revisit that list then: - too busy - nothing to write about - no desire - no strong opinions - no avenues or opportunities - too expensive - not as interesting as it used to be - afraid

Ah ha! It’s the dust. It’s the piles of beautiful leather bound notebooks and fountain pens I’ve been gifted over the years that look so beautiful in their clean slate state. It’s the negative feedback. It’s the positive feedback. It’s the it’s-too-late-nows and the it’s-already-been-saids. But no one is asking me to quit my day job. I’m not even asking me to do that. Yeah, but what’s the drive, why do it at all? I’m not a fiction writer, I do love a good story but there isn’t a song in my heart that’s dying to be sung. I think writing is highly therapeutic, it’s cathartic, it’s informative, it’s definitive. People have been keeping diaries and journals for centuries just to help make sense of the world--to capture something that our memory sieve of a brain will lose inevitably. It’s also entertaining and performative. I could write into little books and shove them under my bed at night, and indeed, some of the best writing was found in this state--never prepared to be shared with the world--but then I build my own bubble. And part of the fear of writing (offending, triggering, or even directly endangering people in certain situations) can and must be offset by the great things that come of it (discussion, connection, mental expansion). “Well, that’s very bold of you. Thank you for your contribution to the body of literature that is fine, poignant, and enriching Tumblr posts.” Yeah, yeah, let me do my yoga in the public park and chill in the hot tub at my apartment complex. You are welcome to join me. So, then also let me talk, and in return I will also listen.

Now, wait isn’t this a baking blog or... something?

I went to Italy for two weeks in July, so it’s worth talking about the pastry, bread, and other sweet and savory encounters I had there. It started at baggage claim at FCO where I ordered a cappuccino (like a goddamn American!) and a caprese sandwich while waiting for Eric’s plane to land. This pedestrian airport Italian coffee kicks the living cajones off of any American coffee I’ve ever had outside of artisanal roasteries, and even still--it’s close. The sandwich nearly made me cry. I was starving but was mostly expecting waterlogged tomatoes, spongy but weirdly wet mozzarella and wilted/blackened basil on soggy bread since these things were probably prepared this morning and it was officially 1:30pm Roman time. Negatory, doctor. Everything was death defyingly fresh (I didn’t yet know that I basically was kicking off the lunch hour at this counter, Italians eat pretty late) and the Italian woman behind the counter laughed unabashedly at me as I moaned into the baguette and drank my breakfast milk.

Italian pizzas from the Roman countryside. Italy knows how to make a fucking pizza. Really brilliant work combined with crazy fresh ingredients made these super memorable. This experience makes me very scared of pizza dough knowing how crispy and light and perfect it can be. These pizzas were each about $9 USD and cranked out faster than my sister and I could down a glass of wine.

Meredith and Alan had a beautiful wedding and our hosts made us an incredible dinner, but the two most memorable parts of the meal had to be the lasagna (good lord I’ll never have lasagna that good again) and the dessert--an Italian take on a croquembouche. Croquembouche (a French invention) is typically profiteroles (read: cream puffs) piled high in a tower held together by a crunchy spun caramel. The Italians basically take French pastry and proverbially deep fry its butter. Instead of a tower with lightly spun and delicate caramel strands, the Italians pile the cream puffs in a mound and cover it in rich but creamy dark chocolate ganache. Instead of the choux pastry puffs being filled with a light vanilla scented whipped cream, they go chantilly or bust--but don’t worry they save that light whipped cream that would go in the croquembouche for the outside, and ring the chocolate mountain with beautifully piped examples of the stuff, adding strawberries while they’re at it because Jesus why not. We ate it gleefully with stomachs that were bursting, and when we couldn’t eat anymore, we popped the plastic tub with the leftover contents open and ate the rest hungover at the breakfast table the next day. Best. Breakfast. Ever.

Semifreddos in a super cold fridge in Vernazza on the Cinque Terre. I think they’ve figured out sweet dairies over there. Gelato is served in tiny cups and is everywhere and the rainbows of flavors make each one novel. I had pistachio, fig, hazelnut, coconut, coffee, amaretto, peach, orange, mixed berry, cantelope, mint, tiramisu and stracciatella. I think I had at least two scoops of gelati everyday and I never regretted it, it was scorching.

I had this vanilla ricotta and mascarpone filled cannoli with pistachio crumbs down by the Arno our last night in Florence. It came out of a food truck. It was 85 degrees outside and the sun was down. I melted into a puddle and had to be scraped off of the ground to be carried back to our rooms. Cannoli are always done wrong, they have a bad rap of being too greasy, too sweet--this thing could have fallen in the dirt in front of me and I would have talked it right into my mouth without hesitation.

Amuse bouche from our final meal outside of a hotel or airport in Italy on the main piazza in Arezzo Antico. The shortbread cookies remind me of my Italian Nanni’s favorite nibble, the thing she always had in tins when we’d come to visit. They fall apart without much convincing and melt in your mouth--the butter to sugar content isn’t what I’d make for myself, but the execution was excellent. The cream puffs continued to kick choux ass and take chantilly names.

My final stop was a layover in Munich where I chased down a pretzel that came with this cold wurst salad. The German bartenders were fascinated that as an American I would 1) order this dish 2) eat all of it. Onion breath for days. No regrets.  In conclusion, I think my hesitation to post is unwarranted. I’ve also baked many things in the month of August I won’t post here because I wouldn’t want to sully the beautiful golden rays of Italia we’re basking in right now, but if you can do me a favor and ask me next time you see me why I haven’t posted lately, I’d be entirely grateful. :)

[omgnsfwisnsfw-blog]

NSFW #17: Make It Here

The East River at early morning. The city that never sleeps was just beginning to bustle, the late night partygoers and club kids heading to bed just as the everyday 9-to-5er gets up to wash and brush up for work. From Manhattan to here in the Bronx, the crisp, cold dawn is rising, splashing color over the wide flowing water. A morning jogger ran through the park, breath coming in foggy puffs, either unaware of or ignoring the two people on the fishing docks of Hunts Point Landing, bundled up in winter coats and matching orange and green scarves, large gold plated belts on their shoulders and their new GoPro mounted on a tripod aimed at them. This very spot was deeply significant to both of them… but nobody else needed to know that. John’s finger hesitated before turning on the live feed. He turned his head to Mike. “Your hand holding up?” His mind summoned the image of Mike hauling off on Lovecraft. Mike’s exhilaration wiping away the brief twinge of pain on their face on the moment of impact. The winter break had been therapeutic to say the least. His own afflictions: sometimes he could hear himself breathing before dozing off and also how his side pained him when he hit the ropes. Part and parcel of this business - he always knew that. “Right’s rain now. I think it’s about back to normal. Man, did you see it when they took the cast off? Looked like the hand of the fuckin’ Cryptkeeper.” They flexed their gloved fingers- beneath the layer of leather, their hand was all but fully rehabilitated, the atrophy countered by a lot of squeezing exercises. “How about you? Are you okay? I mean, last week was fun with all the viking shit we did at the lake, but… you haven’t really talked to me about, y’know. Fucking Saunders.” Mike huffed. “You had him dead to rights you know. Another second and I’m sure you coulda got another tap out of him after that. He didn’t deserve to beat you.” “But he did.” John shrugged. “Not going to dwell on it. Can’t change what happened. Dominic may have been disingenuous but it’s time to move forward.” His other hand gave a light squeeze to Mike’s forearm. His mind drifted to their brief meeting with the new charismatic general manager. “I liked the other guy. Good idea man. But Spartan is keen and wants change. He wants to move forward, too.” Mike leaned into the touch a bit, a slight, huffy sigh floating off in a puff of steam. “He’s interesting. I like his crazy-ass beard. Not’s much as yours though.” They furtively glanced around to see if they were alone. Once they confirmed this- the jogger had continued her path and was now quite a long way off- they rose up on their toes, giving the neatly trimmed scruff on his cheek a quick kiss. “I know I get stuck on stuff too much. I shouldn’t hold grudges like I do. I just want things to be… nrrrgh. We don’t have to win all the time but I just want things to be fair. You deserve fair. I deserve fair. But life’s not, is it?” John stared off into the water. “No, it’s not.” There was a moment of silence between the two. John turned his attention back to the camera. Why they were here in the first place. “Starting to realize that we can make do together. Maybe outside of this.” Finger right over the button. “Let’s get this done.” “New York City. Center of the universe. And, might I add, a pretty significant place for your Tag Champs.” Mike McGuire patted her belt’s gleaming faceplate with a gloved hand. “I mean, not only did the greatest night of our lives happen here, but as a lot of you know by now, I grew up here. I was born and raised here in the Bronx. My dad owns a gym here, my folks live just a few blocks away in the house I grew up in. Family’s an important thing. Your roots can help you get a bearing in this crazy fuckin’ world. The problem is… I think our opponents this week are puttin’ a little too much stock in the power of family ties.” John Bishop Church’s expression was pensive. He contemplated his partner’s words. By now, they led each other to and fro with each statement. Weaving their points in with ease. “Family. In the literal sense. They had everything going for them. Two opponents thrown together. Neither with an affinity for tag team wrestling. Neither with much success as of late. The Clifton Sisters - an established unit. They compliment each other. The stars seemed to be aligned for a perfect debut.” A poignant pause - as to allow reality to set in. “Ended up going bad.” He shook his head, as if disappointed at the result. “We can commiserate. Mike and I thought our breakout moment would be against The Trinity. Instead, we learned we had a long way to go.” Mike chuckled a bit, looking up and rubbing at her chin as if reminiscing. “Oh man, I remember that. Actually… I don’t really remember that very well at all. Took a nasty fuckin’ drop to the head and scrambled my recollection’a the whole night something awful. Anyway, lesson learned. And I’d say we took every lump and hard knock since then and used it to reconstruct ourselves into something strong enough to take what we knew was meant to be ours. And along the way? It didn’t just make us better competitors. It made us better friends. Better partners. Maybe even the best partners this company has- the proof is in the pudding and the pudding is right here on our shoulders.” Mike shrugged, giving the gold another quick pat for emphasis. “You ladies like to point out that you're family. That you got a 'blood bond' goin' on that'll make you unbeatable… heh, that was already disproven on Uprising. Let me tell you something, blood don't mean near as much as you two like to think it does. To elaborate, there's an old saying- 'blood is thicker than water'. Thing is, my partner here informed me that people keep misquoting that shit. The real saying went like... 'The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb'. That means that someone you love because you choose to? Someone you go through thick and thin with and wouldn't replace for nothin'? That goes a hell of a lot further than somebody you have a bond with just 'cuz of relations." John nodded. “And so our harshest critics will ask just why the Clifton Sisters are getting this chance? Mike and I are in agreeance with the new general manager. We are not here to sit on ceremony and wait for challengers to be decided for us through any more tournaments or hoops to jump through. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you have or haven’t done, you will get the opportunity to take these from us. Doesn’t mean we won’t have anything to say about you. Take last week for example.” Mike sighed, shaking her head. “What a fucking disappointment that was. We made it crystal what we wanted. What we expected. And we barely got anything out of it! It’s like the Volsung Death Squad wasn’t even trying and that more than anything else pisses me the fuck off. I can’t speak for Church here but I would be all too happy to lose these belts if it was a good hard fight and our opponents really deserved to win.” “But we watched you two in your debut. Saw your piece. We saw the hunger. We saw the tenacity. Aimee made a bold statement. Future tag team champions.” Mike and John looked at each other briefly before he continued. “Maybe the future is now. That’s what this opportunity is about. This isn’t the Moors Murders’ division anymore. We aren’t letting these collect dust. These right here are what matters. This isn’t Rob Garcia’s division anymore. These are no longer props in someone’s delusions of grandeur. Since last fall, we have taken on every challenger that has stepped before us and showed them why we are the premier tag team in this company.” “This is Not the Sisters’ or the Family’s World. It’s ours. And it’ll take more than blood bonds and setting shit on fucking fire to knock us off the top of it. If you can’t do it? We open our gates to the next one. And the next. One line, no waiting. The infinite open challenge for the Tag Team Championships starts with you. And maybe ends, who knows? You’re a pair of hungry-ass girls, but we got Fenris’ own appetite.” Mike cracked a wolfish grin, her eyes glinting with emerald fire. “The size of the bonus don’t mean shit. The amount of blood and sweat put in's what counts. We take personal exception at being called bottom of the barrel champions by a scumfuck like Dominic Saunders, and we are going to prove him wrong by making these belts thebelts to win in this company.” “Mike and I pay particular attention to the rumor mills and we see that he can add hypocrite to his long list of character flaws. That doesn’t mean we are looking past these sisters. They are determined to make an impact and the humiliation suffered caused by losing to two opponents that just managed to pull up on their very own tailspins. We know that they won’t let that defeat define their existence - and at the end of this month, after they have had their chance, they won’t let the next one either.” John stepped forward. Mike stepped to join him. “Come at us with everything you fuckin’ got. Cuz we’re not pulling a single punch. Not here, not now, not ever. But I’m sure you gals’ll be fine. After all, if you can make it here? You can make it anywhere.” The camera was picked up, the shot pulling away from the champions and focusing on the skyline across the river, lit by the full morning sun, before it faded to black.

[kerrylifeandloves]

  Sometimes, you visit a place that weaves its way under your skin. Something that you see or experience leaves such a lasting impression on you, that it somehow puts a kink in your DNA. It moves you, teaches you, and you know that there will always be a file labeled xyz in your brain. Well a visit to the Jewish Quarter in Prague did this to me. It broke me down a little, then put me back together, but slightly differently than I was. Iv spoken before about how I feel travel helped shape the person that I am today in this post, Why I Feel Travel Can Be The Key To Growth and Wellbeing. This trip to Prague has just placed another layer. Let me tell you all the wonderful things Prague has to offer, and why Prague is the city that changed me a little.

Prague has so much to offer, and depending on the time of year you go, you can find the city not as crowded as you may expect. I spoke to you about the basics of our trip in this post, Your Guide To Prague in The Autumn – The practical stuff, so in this post I will be letting you know about the things you can do to make the most of a visit to this gorgeous city. Bursting with history and culture, everyday was a school day for us. Im not going to give you our full itinerary, but I will share with you the things I think are a must do in Prague.

The Jewish Quarter;

The Synagogue’s

I had read up on the Jewish Quarter before arriving in Prague, so I knew that it was an area had a torrid history. In the 13th century, Jewish people were made to leave their homes, and made to all settle and live in one area. Over the years, Jews expelled from various other countries were made to live in this area, as they were banned from living anywhere else in Prague. During Hitler’s occupation, he wanted the area preserved as a kind of “museum of an extinct race”. The Jewish Quarter has six synagogue’s and these (except the Old-New Synagogue, which requires an additional ticket) form part of the walking tour or entrance only tickets that you can pay to do. We chose to do the entrance only tickets, which cost £12 each, as we wanted to go around at our own pace. You can read more about the options, walking tours etc here. You can also do walking tours which are free, and you just pay a tip to the guide. We didnt do one ourself, but saw lots of them going around. Lots of options of the free tours throughout Prague can be found here.

We went into 4 of the six synagogue’s, and the Pinkas synagogue, built in the 1500’s, was my undoing. As soon as you walk in, the walls are covered, a floor to ceiling memorial, with names. These names, all 80,000 of them, were the names of the Jewish victims from the area, killed in Nazi occupation. That in itself was a shocking visual representation, but up on the first floor was where I lost all my composure. The upstairs concentrates on the fate of the Jewish children. There were photos of some of the children that were kept under house arrest in the area, before being taken off to the camps, and drawings that they had created. In an effort to try to keep a little bit of normality and fun for the children (that were not allowed out during the day, could only go out for one hour of a night time and were all expelled from school) the children were encouraged to draw. The drawings spoke a thousand words. Drawings of children being torn from parents. Drawings of children praying at the gates of freedom. Drawings of children crying with arms outstretched. It was harrowing. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling as I went from picture to picture, feeling like I owed these innocents my attention to their work. My heart was breaking for these lost souls, but I felt strongly that I owed it to them to learn their story. I felt devastated, but also in awe of the jewish people’s resilience and determination to never be made to not feel proud of their heritage. If you are on a cultural visit to Prague, I urge you to include the Jewish Quarter in your itinerary.

The Old Jewish Cemetery;

As one of the oldest Jewish burial grounds in the world, this too is a must see. The final resting place of up to 12,000 jewish people, the graves were sometimes 10 people deep as space was so very limited. Used as a burial ground between 1439 and 1800, it was the only place that Jewish people were allowed to be buried. Although its subject is obviously not the most uplifting, I found it to be beautiful, peaceful and incredibly poignant. As one of the most important parts of the Prague Jewish history, a visit to the cemetery is another must.

Charles Bridge;

You cannot come to Prague without walking across the famous Charles Bridge. The gothic bridge straddles the River Vltava, and separates the Old Town of Prague, and the Lesser Town (Mala Strana). The bridge, built in the 1300’s, is iconic as the 30 statues that were added in the 17th century are all stunning and significant. Some are even meant to bring you luck if you rub them, and you will see some of the statue’s rubbed to a shine where so many people are hoping for a slice of the luck. There is also a tower at either end of the bridge, which you can pay to climb up and see the City from another viewpoint. I adored the bridge. We even got up at 6am one morning to go and see the City wake up from the bridge. It was so calm and peaceful and I think I fell a little in love with Prague that day.

Prague Castle;

In Mala Strana, you can gain access to Prague Castle. This beautiful building, visible from almost anywhere in Prague town even on a misty, grey day, also has the breathtaking St Vitus cathedral in it. Entrance to the castle will cost you around £12 each, depending on what you want access to. There are a few options available, and we went for the top one.

The origins of the castle date back to 880, with various additions in the 10th and 14th centuries. It is said to be the largest castle complex in the world, and it is huge. It used to be the residence of Kings and Emperors, but since the 1900’s was used for presidents, before becoming a cultural monument of Prague in 1962. The castle is also where you will find St Vitus cathedral and Golden Lane. If you make the trip to the castle, I would advise going early to beat the queues. We went to the castle on the day that we got up for sunrise. A walk across Charles Bridge, then up the hill to the castle will take you maybe half hour. The hill is pretty steep, but you can stop half way for a cuppa, like we did…….

St Vitus cathedral;

I think I will always remember the moment I walked into St Vitus. It. Is. Stunning. Breathtakingly stunning. You know I am a fan of architecture if you have been with me for a little while, and this was everything! This gothic church is the most important church in the whole country, and contains the tombs of many Bohemian kings and holy Roman Emperors. Visually, the outside of the cathedral is beautiful, interesting and almost princess like. Inside, it has so much going on within it that I would be here until next month telling you all the details. It is an absolute must to go to if you are in Prague. Again, going early should mean that you are not over whelmed with crowds. Visit the cathedral first before continuing round the castle as it gets very busy as the days goes on.

  Golden Lane;

The tiny houses on Golden Lane were built to house the servants and defenders of the castle. The houses were occupied right up until WWII, and famous writers have been known to live there, hoping to spark creativeness and inspiration. The 16th century homes all have a story to tell and I loved looking into each one. The houses are all numbered, and some of the residents were a fortune teller, Madame de Thebes in number 14, (arrested by the German Secret Police and killed during interrogation) a Red Musket solider in number 13, house number 12 had a basement area that was used as a prison, and one of the first houses in the lane was inhabited by an “alchemist” that was commissioned to make an elixir of youth! I loved walking down the lane, and the tiny houses gave a great insight into how the people of earlier centuries lived.

Some Free things to do in Prague;

Walking across Charles Bridge is obviously free, but there a a few other things that wont hit the pocket, but are worth doing. Just walking around the streets looking at the architecture made me happy! There is so much detail in the buildings!.

Mala Strana;

Mala strana is the part of Prague at the other end of Charles Bridge. Known as “Lesser Town” Nik and I really liked it over this side. It was a lot calmer, and it felt very quaint and traditional. It also is where you will find the ever changing Lennon Wall, the Infant Jesus of Prague and the bank where all the rivers swans congregate.

The Lennon Wall is a wall that is a tribute to the late John Lennon. People come to the wall to pay their respects and it is covered with drawings, song lyrics, tributes and fantastic graffiti. It is ever changing as layers of drawings and painting are on top of each other. You also have the church of Our Lady Victorious that houses the famous Infant Jesus. This 16th century statue attracts people that make the pilgrimage to see it and pray with it, from all over the world.

We also visited the Strahov Monastery, which is still a serving monastery and resided in by monks. The monastery is absolutely beautiful, and home to a fantastic selection of religious art and artefacts. The art has a lot of history behind it as much of the art is slowly being clawed back by the monastery. The collection was stolen from them over the years, and by several countries and leaders. The monastery has about 3/4 of its collection back now. You will also be able to try some amazing blueberry larger here. Brewed on the premises, by the monks, I could have happily stayed all day supping that. its blueberry, a super fruit,  got to be good for you hasn’t it???

Old Town Square;

This is where Nik and I spent a lot of our time, and it is gorgeous. Home to the Astronomical Clock, you will see crowds gathering at the foot of the clock around every turn of the hour. This is because when the clock chimes the hour, the clock puts on a mechanical display that in the middle ages, was considered one of the wonders of the world. I must admit to being a little underwhelmed by the performance, but the 600 year old clock itself is a work of art.

  You also have the beautiful, fairy tale Church of our Lady before Tyn in the Old square. This church is another beauty, and again, famous in any photo you see of Prague. Another gothic building, the church was started in the 14th century, but not finished until the 16th. It is beautiful and it was my husbands favourite landmark in Prague. If you want to go inside the church, have a look at the opening hours fairly early on in your trip as the hours its open are quite random. It is beautiful though, so worth a look inside.

I literally could go on all day about things to do in Prague, but I am sure if you are still here, you are in need of a cuppa or something. I think I could visit Prague again, for the same amount of time, and still not get to do all the things that I would like to. That is the thing with a mini break isn’t it, so little time but so, so much to do! We had an amazing trip, and honestly think if you are thinking of going to Prague, all the things I have mentioned should be somehow popped onto your list.

So, thats it. My sum up of the fabulous things to do in Prague. I came home from Prague a little different. I feel an overwhelming desire to learn more about the Jewish people, and why they have been so persecuted throughout the years. I want to learn more of their customs and religion. I feel that it reminded me to aways show tolerance  kindness and love to everyone. I left Prague a better person, and as the saying goes, travel is the only thing that you can spend money on that makes you richer. never have I felt that more keenly. How about you, have you experienced something that you felt changed you a little? Have you visited any of these places in Prague? Is Prague on your wish list to visit? Let me know your thoughts in the comments. 

  Prague – The City that Changed Me a Little Sometimes, you visit a place that weaves its way under your skin. Something that you see or experience leaves such a lasting impression on you, that it somehow puts a kink in your DNA.