#intense almost unreasonable hatred towards this one particular person? check

[mysticaldistancing]

Personal thought, nothing important.

Upon picking up and reading The Brothers Karamazov for the first time, I had already anticipated myself to be interested and indeed captivated by Ivan, as many people do, as many people already are. And they are correct, no less. He's impressive. He is that such a complex individual, with such depth, with such development and ideas and thoughts and inner turmoil and monologues.

Yet, why is my favourite character turns out to be Alyosha? (To my surprise, of course. I was so sure back then.)

Well, well. To put it briefly, the mere fact that Ivan is me. I understand him by heart, horrifyingly so, almost feeling myself was being written there, scary! Why he did what he did, why he act how he act, why he chose what he had chosen and why he became mad itself. Ivan is not at the slightest a mystery to me, he is painfully obvious. All his thoughts and I repeat, all his thoughts were the exact copy of mine, even the demon. Goodness. My deconstruction (alone, 14) had completely turned my brain inside out and crush it, I was mad, not delirious but no doubt mad. Strange, unbelievable you'd say. Say what you ought to, I won't condemn you.

But Alyosha. I can't comprehend him, why? Why did he believe with incredible unwavering certainty and is overflowing with love for everything? How come he act like that, say those things, and so on? He is bewildering.

But, he understands Ivan. Despite him being the polar opposite of him in terms of philosophy and belief. But he accepted him, forgiven him, pray for him, listened to him, never dismissing him, cared for him, loved him completely unconditionally, kissed him. And I want that, I want just that! Someone who finally understand, someone who—instead of trying to 'fix' what is me for some reason—embraced me. Ivan went on such length finally pouring out his soul bare without leaving anything hidden, to him and to him alone as "the first reader (well, listener) of my poem", Alyosha simply went and kissed him. Who needn't that?

So that's why. Alexei Karamazov is the acceptance and forgiveness that I yearn for.