#intelwon. Eleanor Nillson

[meisanimam]

There it was. She had no issue admitting what she felt. She cared about him, enjoyed being around him. She’d even go as far as admit she’d thought about what kissing him would be like. The last relationship she was in ended because they couldn’t handle her traveling and forced her to make a choice. Nel had no problems with long distance but others seemed incapable of it and she’d rather not enter into something that could only end in disaster.

“ Of course I do. ” She let out a heavily sigh, looking down at her feet. “ I’m not going to pretend that there isn’t something here. But why would I start something when I’m leaving in a couple weeks? Why would I put you through that? ” If she thought he could handle something of a lower commitment, things would be different. She was a loyal person, but distance wears on others differently than it did for her.

“ You’re an amazing person, Derek, but let’s be realistic. It won’t end well. People can’t handle the traveling. I’m sure you’ve had problems with your surgical hours in the past, right? Don’t you understand more than anyone? ”

Her argument is valid, one he should have expected, but Derek finds himself shaking his head before she’s even done, fists jammed in coat pocks as blue eyes roll skyward and teeth raking across a chapped bottom lip. He’s used such logic before, given excuses as to why his job, his very existence, doesn’t allow time to date .. but this, this is different. Did he really deserve to have it thrown back in his face? “I’m a grown up, Nel. An adult. I think I’m capable of deciding what I can and cannot handle.” 

The meaning is evident in every word. He’s Derek Shepherd, doctor Derek Shepherd .. he can handle anything, he’s proved it to himself and others countless times. One doesn’t become a god in the operating room by allowing oneself to give up, to admit defeat ... and this situation is no different. A scoff passes through him at her words, huff of laughter leaving on a breathless exhale as if to blow away her hesitation, her reasoning behind why they should stay. 

“ I wait weeks, sometimes months, for patients to heal, I’ve waited years to find someone like you ... I don’t give up easily. You have your passion, your job - I get that, I do .. .but you can’t ignore what’s standing right in front of you.” Its me, he longs to say. “I won’t ask you to stay, I never would... I’m just asking you to come home at the end of it all. To here. To me.”

@intelwon​

[meisanimam]

Her throat was raw from screaming. Everything that happened was a blur. She moved in slow motion, as if everything she did was not enough. Flailing arms and crumbling rubble, dust accumulating until all vision was impaired. When the dust settled, she was no where to be seen as fellow crew members slowly rose from where she tossed them. Some scrambled, digging with their bare hands while others rushed the phones. She awoke in a helicopter, rushed by pain that seemed to pump through her veins. They had to restrain her as she screamed, trying to fight the IVs and the hands that held her steady. Her neck was stabilized, arms strapped down and her legs… she couldn’t feel her legs. Head pounded to the beating of the blades and her vision blurred. “ Seattle Grace.. Please… Seattle Grace… ” The nurses watched the news in horror, Eleanor’s picture plastered on most news stations hailed a hero. The call of an airlift coming in came next and they kept speculating it was her, that she was coming home. Their words traveled fast until every nurse on each floor spoke of what she’d done. Postcards pinned to nurses stations were passed around in remembrance as if she died.

“ Patient is a 34 year old female with multiple injuries due to a collapsed structure. Lacerations to the head, and upper extremities. Left leg crushed and multiple contusions to the legs and abdomen. Signs of broken ribs and fingers. Page neuro and ortho. Someone needs to meet her at the helipad. ”

@meisanimam​ for derek B)

Every day without her starts the same - a deep ache in his chest that reminds him of what he’s lost, what he’s missing. A void he’s tried to fill with some cheap dates, taste of wine heavy on his tongue as bleary eyes blink against the reflection of her that appears in his glass. A ghost of an angel that he can’t chase away, no matter how hard he tries. His last date from the night before had been a disaster. Half-drunk he had shown Addison a horrible time, doing his best to ignore the words that tumbled from her lips.

“You’re in love with someone else, Derek.”

No. He wasn’t. Now, leaning against the nurse’s station he flips through charts, pushing pain aside for the means through which to do his job, to be the savior that so many count on him to be. Knuckles pop, gaze purposely ignoring the feeling of gazes against the back of his neck. The tv is blaring, cutting into his thoughts like sharp edged scalpel and Derek feels frustration rising along the back of his throat, one hand flipping the chart closed, brows furrowed. “Can we maybe save the three ring circus for when we’re not trying to work?”

Those gazes he had felt are back, and as grey hues flick to the screen, he feels his breath catch in his throat. That face, that beautiful face ... for a moment the floor lurches and he’s thankful for the counter he leans against ... words on the screen blurred and sound making no sense. He’s trying to understand, trying to convince himself its not true - its a bad dream, its another woman, its not Eleanor. Not his Eleanor.

He’s on his way to the heli-pad before anyone can stop him, long legs eating up the stairwells. Seattle Grace offers many things, but fast elevators are not one of them. Nothing is fast enough, the only thing he can count on are his own two feet - so he takes the steps three at a time, ignoring the burning in his chest. Nel, no. Please, no.

Does he believe in God? It’s a question Derek has been asked many times. More often than not, he gives a blase answer, something to head off whatever patient or family member is asking .. but now he finds himself muttering prayers he didn’t know he remembered, casting off names as if someone up there might listen. Wind blows through his hair as he finally opens the heli-pad door, squinting against the bright light. He joins the two other doctors and nurses who have made it before him, throat tightening up as one places a gentle hand on his arm.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be here, Dr. Shepherd.”

He tosses such an idea aside. Eleanor needs the best and he is one of the best. Hands clench and unclench into fists at his sides, knuckles popping as if getting ready to save the woman he loves. Has always loved. Soon, she’s unloaded, conscious but in amounts of pain that Derek can only fathom ... he’s not even sure he’ll be recognized but he steps forward anyways, letting one thumb brush the barest edge of skin around her eyes as he used to, voice low and soothing. “Its okay, Nel. You’re here. I’m here. You’re gonna be okay.”

I’m not gonna lose you. Not again. Not like this

@intelwon​