#integrity looks so sad in the last image that was not intentional.. they’re just very bewildered

[2beebebetter]

(for @undertale-npcs) the voters ain’t even letting fallen kids win in the losers bracket #hellworld

[normal-thoughts-official]

Hey ever since u posted ur Maia x Raphael fic I've been hit with so much feelings for them so imagine my sadness when there's only your fic on ao3 that has them as a couple, also here on tumblr there's only 2 posts of them *insert sadangry emoji here*

you know what, I'm just gonna take this opportunity to

Why Maiaphael is a bomb af pairing that deserves all the love and content

A manifesto by me

Okay, so whenever i think of Maiaphael, i think of Taki's. Not (just) as the place, but as what it means for Maia, could mean for Raphael, and what that reveals about the both of them, and the absolute potential that a relationship between them has.

When Maia created Taki's, she had a very specific goal in mind: to create a place that could bring all kinds of downworlders together, where they could be safe and also build a real community together. This is explicitly said, and Maia's desire and even need to draw people together is mentioned many times, and arguably one of the core traits of her character.

She mentions how her relationship with Simon is important to her because it could bring werewolves and vampires together. She cares about and loves her pack, and wants to keep them together and safe.

Maia's been kicked out of her home, and survived abuse, not to mention she's black; she knows, better than anyone, the importance of having a strong, supportive community, and she works hard towards building one always. Taki's is a project that serves that purpose, while also allowing her to do what she loves (cooking, bartending, meeting new people).

On the last episode, they show Raphael at Taki's, talking to her, and look - we all know Raphael loves cooking, how much it means to him, and he has experience cooking for big crowds because of his volunteering. And the way that it fits is just.

First of all, we know that cooking serves pretty much that exact same purpose for Raphael. Cooking, for him, is about caring for others and bringing people closer together. This is shown by the fact that he made it a point to volunteer to cook for his sisters' elderly home, because he wanted to be able to give this to her; this is shown by the fact that when he fell in love with Izzy, the first thing he did was teach her how to cook his traditional dishes, which was clearly something very intimate and meaningful to him. This is shown by the fact that, once he's kicked out to Detroit, losing his Clan that is canonically like a family to him, he immediately started cooking at a shelter; it's a way for him to share his culture, history and feelings, and to bring people closer together, like at Taki's.

Family and community matter to Raphael as much as they do to Maia, that is very clearly what drives his character. And just the fact that he understands what Taki's is all about, what food is all about, makes Maia trust him to help her run the place. He's not only a great cook, he's someone who cares about the same things as she does, and who would pour their heart and soul into this project just like her, because he wants the same things out of it.

(Besides, doesn't hurt to have a werewolf and a vampire working together. That is half of the point, after all)

But also!!! This is so important to Raphael too, because, for so long, he's used cooking as a way to do something for others, and to repent. Food is a way to bring people together, but he does it in a way that leaves him at the sidelines. He excludes himself from the process, like he doesn't deserve the happiness it brings.

If Raphael started working at Taki's - that'd be different. Because he'd get to see the fruits of his work, to have a community he's a part of attend it, to be a part of this project. To enjoy the fruits of his labor, to see the results, to bring people together. To have a home.

I'm emo over Raphael and food again but anyway the point is that they could build such a great, trusting relationship as they worked together okay. From trying out new recipes to discussing decorations and even doing inventory, they have the same vision, they feel the same love, and they respect each other, fiercely. They're that kind of in sync where they work together without even having to look at each other, already knowing what they are doing. They handle the stress of running a restaurant together, and they enjoy it together, too.

And I'm just saying that it'd be so good for the both of them to have this kind of easy, trusting relationship? God knows Maia needs and deserves someone to trust, someone who wants her to achieve her best and get exactly what she dreams of, and Raphael needs someone as fiercely hardworking as Maia, who's willing to create the world she wants. He admires her, too, for how proactive she is, how she never gives up and does what's right. Maia admires how he can sometimes be the calm to her storm, how steadily he always steps and makes way to reach their goals. They complement each other, okay.

And speaking of complement I just gotta throw it out there that Maiaphael has huge sun/moon energy okay. In two different ways. Maia is fierce and joyful and beautiful and she shines and creates; Raphael is calm, and reliable, and through him her shine gains new, beautiful colors. Raphael is drawn to, and has been kept from, the sun. He loves it and basks in it and thrives under it. While the moon is usually associated with the sorrow of werewolves, but through Raphael, she reclaims it as part of herself.

But I can also see them the other way around - there's a melancholy about Maia, so much she hides and so much trauma she's been through, while there's a fierceness in Raphael, a neverending fight, and a room for that burning happiness that we got a glimpse of in the last episode that's been kept away. In that sense, he can also be the sun that shines through her, gives her his strength, and takes his place at the back, letting her do her own, breathtaking spectacle.

And how cool is that? They're complementary, but they're also complex, ever-changing, they rotate and create their own particular dynamic that allows them to find the best in so many sides of themselves. They can switch from one to the other when they're together, Maia can allow herself her slower, quieter days, and Raphael can find the strength to let himself shine bright, like he deserves. They get to be completely real with each other, to Contain Multitudes, and know that the other is just as vast and well equipped to support them in every role.

They're also both fiercely loyal and protective, and you know they'd do anything for each other, but they'd do it together. They'd do it side by side, not on each other's backs like we've seen so many times in the show with other couples. They'd build solutions with each other, not try to sacrifice themselves for each other. They have that kind of camraderie, and trust.

I mean, Raphael does have his self sacrificing tendencies when he gets in that mood (lmao) but that wouldn't fly with Maia. He'd try to solve a problem behind her back and she'd be furious, shove him, and tell him never to do that again, because she won't lose anyone else, and she won't have anyone trying to take the wheels of her life from her hands again. Anyone. No matter how well-intentioned. He doesn't get to decide this without her. He can't.

And Raphael apologizes, and wonder for a second how it never occured to him that he should just trust Maia to let him help her, when that's what they've been doing from the start.

And they're just so respectful of each other's boundaries in that way. Raphael knows not to try and take the lead from Maia, and he gives her space when she needs without her even needing to ask, and she does the same. She'd never pressure him to give her anything sexual, not even a single peck, and still be so undeniably affectionate. They would support each other without being overbearing, be able to allow each other their silence, their musings, their trauma and pain.

Raphael would also want fiercely for Maia to follow her dream of studying marine biology, I just know it, and support her through it in so many ways. Taking some of her responsibilities at Taki's when it's time for midterms. Helping her study. Going to hers with groceries, making sure she's eating, and drinking water, that her place is well ventilated and that she's okay. I have very soft images in my head of Maia sitting with her back to Raphael's chest, focused on her book, as he just strokes her hair, rubs her shoulders, and lets her study. It's good and nice and he is just there for her, silently helping make sure that she doesn't lack anything, that she can relax.

Also, as both of them are leaders of their people, there is so much they can share and understand about that, and even more beautiful things they can build together in that sense.

It's the kind of love that blossoms as steadily as their relationship, sure and deep and slow, with strong foundations, and infinite care. By the time they notice it's happened, they've already become an integral part not only of each other's life, but of each other's happiness. They come to care for each other, and trust each other, and be a part of each other, before they even realize what's happening. When the penny drops, it's almost funny, the both of them a little breathless by the fact that oh, they've fallen in love. And Maia asks, "what are we?" and Raphael says "something important," and Maia laughs and asks if that means he could be her boyfriend.

"Yeah," Raphael says, smiling, private but real and all for her, "yeah," and he takes her hand and kisses it. She kisses his hand back, and he's charmed, and happy, and their hands stay together over the table as they share nothing but joy and silence. The moment is steady and happy, just like them, and it feels perfect.

[phagechildon]

The Greater Good - Chapter 5

Been a year since I’ve updated. So much going on I finally have the courage/motivation to write again so yeah! My goal is to upload once a month now whenever my internet allows me to go on Tumblr. I wrote half this a year ago, then the other half just two days ago. 

READ ON AO3 Tumblr: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Story Summary: Jack, unable to handle the dark life he’s living, is now trying to redeem himself by using his skills and demigod powers to protect the innocent. Though he gets more than he bargained for when he meets Hiccup, who unknowingly holds the very fate of the world in his hands. Chapter Summary: Overhearing men at a tavern, Jack and Hiccup rush to save a kidnapped orphan, only to regrettably stumble upon a dying village that was better left alone. 

Warning: This chapter includes a child's death and dark themes.

----

Chapter 5: The Vengeful Spirit

“You used to work for them?” Hiccup mumbled, curious. He heard people talk about it, including Jack, but never really knew what that entailed.

“Yes,” Jack grumbled as they started to pick up speed, the demigod looking in all directions, completely on edge. The more time he was given to think the more frustrated he seemed to become.

“What… kind of army is er- was it?” Hiccup corrected, ready to drop the subject at a moment’s notice.

As fearful and furious as Jack was, he knew he had to tell Hiccup, especially after what he saw. They were both in danger now. “It’s an army straight out of a nightmare, as the name suggests,” he clarified, keeping Baby Tooth close for comfort. “It’s made up of demigods and humans. What you saw… was probably a creature the leader, a demigod of Loki like me, made.” The mere mention of the leader seem to make Jack tense up more, which made Hiccup more unnerved.

“But you’re supposedly a son of Loki, yet-”

“I don’t have dark powers?” Jack cut him off with a snarling growl, making Hiccup slow his pace a bit to give the demigod space. “I’m not proud of it but…. my powers are just as dark. I just…. use them in a different way.”

Images from the first village Jack saved came back to him all at once. Despite his good intentions, Jack’s form did darken and resemble the creature he saw in the Hamanda village, just covered in ice. The auras however were completely different. While both of the appearances were threatening, Jack’s aura was kind and protective. The creature from the village screamed fear, guilt and death. There was nothing soothing about it.

“I think you’re succeeding,” Hiccup reassured, tossing him a smile. Jack gave him a surprised look before quickly averting his gaze, awkwardly clearing his throat.

“But if you saw him, we have to be careful,” he said, still looking around wearingly. “He knows you’re friends with me and we can’t let him know about your connection to dragons.”

“Is he still perusing you?” Hiccup couldn’t help but ask with a tilt of his head. If there was an entire army after Jack, he needed to know.

“Anything’s possible,” Jack morbidly admitted, clenching his fists tightly. “He doesn’t like losing ‘property,’ which includes his soldiers.” His eyes darkened, gaze far off and unfocused. Jack was a completely different person than normal. He was so serious, so tense it was hard to remember his fun personality. “After a certain incident, I made it clear to him that I would never return. He hasn’t stalked me for a while. I’m assuming the only reason he was there was to see if I was still hanging around there.” Or at least, that’s what he hoped. He didn’t like the fact that Pitch showed his shadow to Hiccup, and not him. It only made him more confident that he was interested in Hiccup.

He had to find a way to stomp out that interest, and fast.

Noticing his silence, Hiccup cleared his throat, trying to get his attention as the silence started becoming awkward. He wanted to learn more, not just about the Nightmares, but also about his companion. “Can you… tell me about them, and you?” Jack flinched, making Hiccup quickly continue. “You don’t have to go into detail or anything. I just… you know, kinda want more composition… and stuff… on the matter?” He tried, fumbling over his words. He never failed to make an awkward situation more awkward, he groaned and face palmed himself.

The demigod stopped walking for a moment, turning to him with raised, amused eyebrows as a very small amused smirk crossed his lips. Hearing Hiccup struggle was sort of amusing. Normally he was more composed, his words flowing naturally. He was trying too hard.

Despite being embarrassed, Hiccup was grateful for the smile. It suited the demigod more. “Oh shut up you know what I mean,” he smirked.

“Oh, do I?” He smirked back, the tension from his face lifting a bit.

Playfully rolling his eyes, Hiccup started forward again, Jack following his example. His steps were softer now, his entire posture loosening up. Maybe being awkward wasn’t so bad all the time. “I was found by the Nightmares after I was forced to flee from my village.” There was a sudden hardness in his voice, a hardness that came from grief and guilt. Hiccup knew how it sounded too well. “My powers were developing, and with my emotions out of control, so were my powers. The new town I stumbled upon were terrified of me, and naturally reported me to the soldiers that were controlling their territory - the Nightmares.”

Hiccup’s eyes narrowed, clenching his fists tightly against the horse’s reigns in anger. “They turned a child in?!”

“They were scared,” the demigod sighed, looking down at his blue veins in his pale right hand. “Power scares people, especially unnatural power like mine. Even if someone kind hearted found me, with the mental state I was in…” he sighed, clenching his fist tightly along with his eyes. “I would’ve killed them by accident.” Those words had a weight to them Hiccup had never heard before. It made him uneasy as he gently reached into his hoodie and pet the slumbering Toothless.

“The first soldier that found me had a killer’s spark in his eyes, and went in for the kill. I wasn't surprised, not with all the rumors even I heard as a child. But still, l panicked. I didn’t want to die. My emotions dictated my movements, my powers, and before I knew it, the soldier was dead; an icicle pierced his throat and he drowned in his own blood. As horrible as it was… I didn’t care. I was safe. But only for a moment.” A chilly breeze brushed past them, making Hiccup shiver, not liking where this was going. “As the soldier took his last breath, a taller one entered the room, his cold golden eyes going from stoic to prideful amusement. I couldn’t move, I was paralyzed in fear.” Jack’s whole body stiffened, making Hiccup bite his bottom lip nervously. “I’ll never forget the way his eyes started to glow as dark smoke started emitting from his body. The room grew colder, as if all the warmth and life was being sucked out of the air. I backed up against the wall, feeling my body trembling in both shock and fear. That’s when he spoke: ‘Found you at last, brother.’”

Hiccup's eyes widened out of confusion until he put the pieces together. “Pitch, son of Loki.”

Jack gravely nodded. “He channeled himself through the soldier and knocked me out, taking me prisoner. If I had been anyone else, he wouldn’t have hesitated to kill me,” he mumbled, “Death would’ve been a kinder fate. Instead, they tortured me, wanting me to be obedient, and become one of them.”

“Torture?” Hiccup asked quietly, afraid to push for details as he felt himself start to tremble.

“They broke me down, crushed and cut me up before putting me back together with toxic adhesive. Considering what happened before being caught, it was… a little too easy to make me turn my back on the world. I… became as cruel and ruthless as them… climbing up the ranks in no time. I became such a feared demon that even had those in the army trembled in my presence; some still do. The only ones that were spared were children and expecting mothers. If anyone harmed one, I nearly killed my entire unit as punishment. And yet…” His eyes darkened even more, though he turned away so Hiccup couldn’t see. “I was merciless to men and women. I even turned some of the children I spared into vengeful spitting monsters.” His hair fell in his face, the air around them becoming cold. “Sometimes… I felt like sparing the children was crueler than killing them.”

Hiccup stayed silent, taking everything in despite how hard he knew this was on Jack. He understood now. The Nightmares were truly horrifying.

“You mentioned ranks,” Hiccup managed to ask, composing himself.

“Yes, there are a total of four ranks,” he replied, eyes going to the sky, watching as the sun started to set. They needed to make camp.

Looking left and right, he chose left, “There’s technically five ranks, though no one really counts rank zero - the slave and prisoner rank. They do all the chores and labor, most die performing their duties. It’s so common the other slaves ignore others falling beside them, along with the dead bodies they pass. The dead, at that point, are nothing but a nuisance getting in the way of their work.”

“That’s… sad,” Hiccup sorrowfully admitted, not knowing how else to respond to such a horrific reality. “I can’t even imagine that.”

“Don’t,” Jack mumbled. “Like I said… they’re inhumane.” Shaking the images away, he continued. “The other ranks are based off the phases of the moon. The closer to no moon - which is the New Moon - the more powerful and integrated the soldiers are with Pitch’s powers of darkness.” For some reason that sent shivers down Hiccup’s spine, finding that poetically dark. “The first official rank is the full moon. These soldiers are mostly the ones on patrol and threaten new villages. They cannot wield darkness or weapons seeped in it. They’re normal soldiers, in a sense - just overly confident and stupid. The second rank is First Quarter. Unlike the Full Moon, they can wield weapons laced with magic and potions given to them by higher ranks. They usually go to smaller established cities and patrol conquered ones.” Finding a flat area covered with little trees, Jack set his pack down, Hiccup doing the same, trying to commit this conversation to memory.

“The third rank is called the Last Quarter. These ones...” his hands trembled a bit before he clenched his fists. “They’re stealthy and very clever. Their fighting skills are formidable and can even make large cities fall. Normally a demigod of a lesser deity leads them while they have full access to Pitch’s darkness. Their entire unit can use darkness to teleport and create deadly weapons. Like all the other ranks, the fear they generate from their victims is sent back to Pitch to feed on.” Jack held his breath, his words becoming shaky. This wasn’t easy for him to recall. “Then the last rank… is the one I was in…” he trailed off, staring at the fire he created with haunted and hollow eyes. “Pitch leads this rank from his fortress, sending… his general out to do his dirty work. If they want you dead, your fate is already decided.” His fists were clenched so tightly his knuckles were white. “You can’t hear them coming - you can’t even see them unless they want you to. They’re so powerful all it takes is for one of them to make an entire kingdom to fall under Pitch’s control. Not only do they possess complete darkness, but they also have the ability to enter people's minds. They can manipulate dreams, thoughts, and even turn them into wraiths,” his voice got quieter, breathless. “Most people kill themselves before becoming full wraiths.”

Hiccup took a deep breath, the reality heavy. He knew Jack did a lot of things he regretted, but he wasn’t prepared for this. He didn’t think any less of him, it only made him want to help him more. He couldn’t imagine going through life alone as a child, let alone being subjected to all that horror. It made him curious… what happened to Jack’s family? He mentioned he had to flee, but didn’t elaborate. Despite how curious he was, Hiccup kept his mouth shut, seeing just how miserable Jack looked right now. He did enough prying tonight. “Thank you for telling me,” Hiccup smiled after a bit of silence. “I know it was hard, but thank you.”

Jack sighed, unconsciously nervously scratching the back of his head. “Sorry for not telling you earlier. It was stupid not to say anything,” he heavily sighed. He just didn’t want Hiccup to think any less of him.

As if knowing his thoughts, Hiccup got up and went to Baby Tooth, taking out a few slices of an apple he cut earlier and tossed a few to Jack. “For the record, my opinion hasn’t changed about you,” he said, deciding to be brave as he took a seat next to the demigod. “You’re still the fun-loving badass demigod who’s willing to answer anyone’s plea for help, even if you get hurt in the process. And… you’re also my friend.” He smiled warmly. Being completely caught off guard, Jack looked up at him, locking eyes as he searched for any signs of deceit. When he found none the demigod finally relaxed, looking up at the stars.

“Thanks Hiccup,” he smiled, feeling like a weight was taken from his shoulders. “Get some rest, I’ll take first watch.”

Hiccup wanted to retaliate and take the first watch instead, but didn’t want to ruin the moment. So, just for tonight, Hiccup curled up into his sleeping bag and fell asleep, swearing he could hear a soft sob or two escape from Jack’s lips.

When morning came, Jack was his usual fun loving self. His laugh was contagious, his stories invigorating. Despite reliving part of his dark past, showing a side to him Hiccup never knew, Jack seemed lighter. For once he finally had someone who truly believed in him, someone who knew him for who he really was, and was still determined to remain by his side down the arduous path of redemption.

A whole month passed since they left the Hamada Village. The wounds they sustained from the battle were finally healed as fate took pity on them, guiding them to hospitable villages. The only trouble they ran into was a thief that stole a women’s basket, but they were quick to stop him. It was good to get a breather, especially after the intense battle. During this time, Hiccup craft a small staff that could retract into what looked like a fire starter on his belt. He’d work on the appearance later; at least it functioned.

“It happened again?!” Hiccup and Jack overheard someone exclaim in frustration at a rather richy tavern as they took a seat, trying not to draw attention to themselves as they listened in.

“Bastard took everything I had!” Another person cursed, slamming his fist against the table in anger.”I wasn’t his first victim today either - he had a little girl dressed like a baby doll with him - looked a bit scared.” Jack clenched his fists, a dark look crawling into his deep blue eyes.

“What? No kidding,” the other man sighed heavily, taking a drink from his beer. “Finally showed his true colors - poor lad. One less orphan to worry about.”

Jack stood abruptly, making the two turn to him, not even noticing they entered. “Did they send anyone after them?”

The two men looked at each other, both annoyed and amused as they laughed. “No one’s gonna waste their time rescuing an orphan. One less mouth to feed-”

They didn’t even see Jack move. He was suddenly between them, slamming both his hands on the table. Both men jumped, their faces paling as if they had seen a ghost. “What do they look like?” When the men didn’t respond Jack scowled, murder glinting in his eyes as ice slowly spread from his fingers to the table. Both men choked on fear, trembling.

“Th-the thief - he steals from wagons and people on horseback on the main roads. H-he’s a tall muscular man with uh-uhm dark brown hair. He has a uh, uhm a mustache and a pointed goatee. He wears a black tunic, a black bandanna over his face, and a dark blue tunic?” The one listening to the story looked to the other for confirmation.

“Yes - yes he was wearing that earlier-”

“What about the little girl?!” Jack’s crisp snap nearly made them both lose control over their bowels.

“O-oh she uh, she’s around eight, auburn medium length curly hair, gray eyes, heart shaped face, yellow jacket- u-uhm uh… uh she was holding a book, like her life depended on it. They headed east - But that’s all i can remember-!”

It was more than he thought he was gonna get out of them. Begrudgingly he pushed himself off the table, angrily thrusting his hands into his pockets, his hair hiding his face. He was trying so hard not to lose it. If he lashed out at them, he’d probably kill them. Part of him thought they deserved it for condemning a child like that. They probably never reported the kidnapping to the authorities either. “If she’s dead…” he trailed off, his voice dark and hollow as the table the men were sitting at froze over.

He didn’t need to say anything else as he walked away towards the door. Hiccup quickly gathered their things and followed him, those cautious curious eyes bearing into his neck. He didn’t need to know - at least, not yet. He wasn’t ready to share what made him flee his hometown.

“What’s east of here?” Hiccup asked, hoping Jack wouldn’t search blindly.

“We’re about to find out,” he said bitterly.

For the next few hours, they questioned as many people as they could, gathering more information about the thief and the area to the east. Not too far away there was a large city where the taxes were so high everyone outside the castle gates were in poverty, yet those who refused to pay or listen to their rules were killed on the spot. Rumors believed the thief came from that village, stealing from the rich outside the city and giving to the poor within. No one could confirm whether this was a true statement or not.

They also learned there was a massive raid lead by The Nightmares that resulted in colossal wildfires nearly two years ago. Two large cities fell, along with three villages. Jack scarcely remembered the siege, but knew he had been part of it. He remembered them sparing a prosperous city just past the carnage. Maybe they’d be able to intercept the thief before he made it back to the city.

The forest was depressing. Despite the fires being nearly two years ago, life refused to grow. Even when they camped at a river, the greenery around it looked sickly pale. The trees were so ashen gray one touch could probably make it crumble away.

It was baffling that they hadn’t seen any signs of human life aside from themselves. Surely in a forest like this, spotting others would be child’s play. Apparently not.

They kept walking until they stumbled upon an abandoned looking village in the middle of nowhere. The walls of the buildings and outside structures were weak and brittle. Any spark out of place would ignite the entire area on fire. The villager’s clothes were torn and dirty, practically dangling off their skeleton limbs. What haunted Hiccup the most was the look in their eyes - that blank look void of all hope, love and light. Some even seemed to be walking around in a daze, not even registering what was going on around them.

“Look like wraiths,” Toothless commented from his hood, making Hiccup’s heart weep a little more. They really did, especially the ones who were sitting on the ground. Some of them… Hiccup wasn’t even sure if they were alive anymore.

It made him want to puke. The smell, the further they got in, was so foul from the dead, trash and human waste left on the streets it as hard to believe people actually still lived there. Acid kept racing up his throat, making his head spin.

Jack’s arm brushed past his and immediately he focused on him, on the way those chilly fingers pressed into his shoulder, the way those lips blew soft pure cold air against his ear.

“We don’t have to stay here, if we stop the thief will gain more ground” he said, forcing Hiccup to swallow the bile.

“No, we should,” Hiccup said, his voice shaking a bit. “They need the money…”

“Hic…” Jack sighed beside him, those fingers tightening their grip on his shoulder. “There’s not much we can do. We don’t have enough to support everyone-”

Whatever Jack said next was lost to the auburnette as his eyes settled upon two children covered in mud and filth leaning against a house. Their eyes were dull and nearly void of life as their heads were pressed against one another’s - their fingers interlaced. They looked like twins, one male and one female.

They were barely breathing.

“Toothless-” he breathlessly said, rushing over without a second thought. Freckled fingers fumbled with the canteen on his waist, not caring as he sat on the filthy ground in front of them. ”Hey,” he whispered softly. “Do you two want some water?”

They didn’t move. His heart was racing and aching in pain. Vaguely he was aware of Jack coming up beside him, just as the little girl blinked up, dirt seeming to fall from her long eyelashes. She didn’t speak, but she didn’t need to. As gently as possible, Hiccup pressed the canteen to her lips, giving her little gulps at a time. The more she seemed to come alive, the farther the little boy’s body started to fall against her, losing support.

“Hey bud, can you hear me?” Jack’s voice whispered as he became the boy’s support instead, sitting right beside him and letting him lean against him instead. Baby Tooth came a little closer, giving them easy access to their bags.

The sudden loss of contact made the little girl’s eyes widened a bit in fear as she very weakly turned her head to her brother, seeming panicked.

“Shhh it’s okay, we’re not going to hurt you or him,” Hiccup gently whispered, catching the fearful look in Jack’s eyes as he tried rousing the boy. For a moment their eyes met, and Hiccup knew - he could see it in Jack’s eyes.

The boy stopped breathing.

“Hey, hey wake up,” Jack’s voice became a little harsher. The little girl started to shake as she tried lifting her frail hand. She barely had the energy to leave it hovering in the air - Hiccup couldn’t help but choke on a sob.

“I-I’ll get a doctor-” Hiccup stammered as he quickly stood, letting the girl lean against the house again.

“No,” Jack said urgently as he gently rest the boy on his back, pressing heavily on his chest in an attempt to get his heart beating again. “It’s dangerous-!”

But Hiccup was gone. “Doctor - Where is your doctor?!” He desperately asked a few people who merely gave him blank looks. Cursing under his breath he looked around, searching for someone - anyone who didn’t look dead inside.

“Hiccup!” Jack’s voice called louder, trying to draw him back.

No - no he refused to give up this easily, not when there was a child’s life at stake! His sister was right there, he refused to let her watch him die in front of her eyes!

“Anyone - ANYONE PLEASE!” He cried out with the last bit of hope he had, clenching his fists so tightly his nails cut into his palms.

“An outsider?”

Hiccup’s eyes snapped wide open, desperately looking up at a man wearing a faded dirty orange tunic of some sorts. He didn’t even notice his raised voice seemed to snap a few people out of their trance. “Please - there’s a little boy - he’s dying is there any doctor around??”

The man merely sighed, looking to the others, a bit hesitant. “I’m the closest thing to a doctor in this village; I know only the basics.”

“We can use all the help we can get, please,” Hiccup begged, taking a few steps back encouragingly. “He just stopped breathing - my friend’s trying to resuscitate him.”

Whether or not the man followed, Hiccup didn’t care. At this point he knew he did everything he could as he came back to Jack’s side, seeing the little girl staring at the two of them with hopeless eyes. She probably had no tears left to shed.

Jack was still working furiously against the boy’s chest, a few loose tears smudging the boy’s dirty face. He wasn’t pressing as hard or as frequent as before, and as the doctor came up to them Jack sighed and shook his head, running a hand through his brown hair.

For a moment the doctor seemed to hesitate, his gaze lingering on Jack maybe a little too long before finally leaning down. Morbidly he pressed two fingers to the child’s neck, checking for a pulse.

There was none. Letting out a sorrowful sigh, he stood, shaking his head. “It’s no use… he’s gone…”

A small choked sound left the small girl, resembling a soft sob. Without thinking Hiccup gently pulled her against him, letting her shake and cry against his chest. “I-i’m sorry,” he whispered, swallowing his own tears and sorrow as his fingers gently moved up and down her back in comforting motions.

“Do they have parents?” Jack asked, his voice colder than usual. The doctor seemed to either shiver or tremble beside him as he tightly clenched his fists.

“No,” he said bitterly, drawing Jack’s gaze to him. “They were probably either murdered or starved to death.” They obviously didn’t have extended family either.

Taking a deep shuddering breath, Jack got to his feet. “I’m going to bury him,” he said, his eyes never leaving the small boy’s body, a haunting look flickering in his deep blue eyes. No one said anything, not even the doctor who also stood, seeming a bit surprised by the declaration.

“I’ll help,” Hiccup hesitated, his gaze settling upon the surviving child. “Is that okay?” He didn’t expect a response, so when he didn’t get one he merely held her tighter.

“No, I got this,” the demigod said, grabbing a shovel from one of the bags strapped on Baby Tooth. “Is there an inn we can stay at?”

The doctor pursed his lips, not seeming to know how to react. “Yes, just up the road, in the middle of the village next to the abandoned tavern.”

“Did you get that?” Jack asked, looking to Hiccup expectedly, making the freckled one blink.

“No, I want to help!” Hiccup said, narrowing his eyes. A small tug on his clothes stopped him from arguing. She was far too weak to assist in burying her brother. What she needed was for someone to nurse her back to health. Considering no one, not even the doctor helped these children before meant he was her only hope. For once, he understood why Jack wanted him to leave.

“Come on… I’ll get you cleaned up and fed,” he whispered, trying not to startle her. “We’ll come back a little later, okay?” She carefully looked back up at him, whimpering a bit softly - it broke his heart. The child couldn’t be older than five yet already knew the tragedies of the world.

“Be careful,” Jack said as he carefully lifted the lifeless body of the child, his brown hair masking his eyes. “I’ll meet you there shortly.”

Understanding, Hiccup gently pulled the little girl from his chest, looking into her dull glassy eyes in an attempt to get her to register him. “I’m gonna take you for a ride,” he gave a soft smile. Getting no response, he carefully picked her up and held her against him, Toothless trying to get a peek at her from his hood. “Not now,” Hiccup mumbled so quietly not even the child heard. “Thank you for trying, may I ask your name?” Hiccup asked the doctor, who finally peeled his eyes off Jack.

“Oh yes, please excuse my rudeness. My name is Titus,” he said, walking alongside Hiccup. “You must excuse us. We are survivors from what used to be a great city just south of here that was attacked nearly two years ago,” he sighed, watching as the eyes of the soulless were bearing down on them now. “We had no time to prepare. We left with only the clothes on our backs and our children in our arms. Once we were sure we weren’t followed, we tried our best to rebuild here after wandering a bit, But this forest is old, as you can tell by our homes, and we are weak, hungry, thirsty and tired. We’ve done all we can, but with no money, we can’t trade, and in an old forest like this…”

“No game,” Hiccup finished, seeing more withering villagers resting against houses, looking more like skeletons than actual living humans.

“Yes. But we’re not strong enough to just pack up and leave. We’d never make the trek, the ravenous wolves would kill us if exhaustion doesn’t.”

“What are you eating now?” Hiccup asked, honestly baffled there were still so many alive.

“We do have some crops, we were able to dig into the ground when we first settled here and found some water,” he pointed to lone well where two stronger looking men stood guard. Sad how death even seemed to linger above them. “Food and water is worth far more than money here.”

The dragon whisperer bit his bottom lip, not sure if it was appropriate, but he had to ask. “Is starvation the reason why everyone’s so… lifeless?”

“No,” the doctor said, his tone changing, not saying anymore.

“You don’t have to answer,” he reassured. There was still so much he didn’t know about the world. The reason could be so painfully obvious yet he’d never know. “I wish there was something we could do to help.”

The doctor held his hand up, stopping Hiccup right there. “The inn’s up ahead. The price is high, but I’m sure you understand why.”

“I’m sorry about our intrusion, thank you for all your help,” the dragon whisperer bowed a bit, being extra careful not to wake the child who had finally fallen asleep against him.

When he finally arrived at the inn, he pushed against the flap of dry wood that hung in place of a door, the noise alerting the man who was slumped over a very unsteady looking desk. Like the others, he was starving and held that same blank look in his eyes. His clothes were nothing but rags that used to be a tunic while barely any hair covered his dull balding head.

“Hi, uh, sorry to bother you, but uh… how much is a room here?” Would this guy even respond to him? So far Titus was the only one that socialized.

Minutes passed, the man staring at Hiccup with that same blank expression. When Hiccup didn’t leave, the man very sluggishly started to sit up, his head tilting a bit to the side. “Do you… have food?” He asked, his voice so dry it sounded like nails against a very flat hollow rock. The man obviously hadn’t had anything to drink in a while either.

“Yes,” Hiccup said as he whistled for Baby Tooth out the makeshift door. “We killed and preserved some rabbit meat. Would you like that, and some water?”

The man’s eyes lit up as he fumbled over. Hiccup gasped, stepping back in slight fear as the man made a mad grab for the little girl. “No - she’s not food!” He snapped, slapping the innkeeper’s hand away with force when he tried reaching for her again. With a small shriek the man scurried a safe distance away, but not enough to calm Hiccup’s nerves though. The clopping of a horse’s hooves alerted him to Baby Tooth’s presence, along with the distressed whines she made. Worried Hiccup took his eyes off the man to peek outside.

Six people in total were surrounding the horse, their hands desperately grabbing her. She bucked and jumped, kicking them away just as one of them tried to sink their teeth into her neck.

“What the- what are you doing?!” Hiccup hurried outside, standing in front of the still uneasy horse as the villagers staggered back in fear from the raised voice. The child was light - far too light - which meant it only required one hand to hold her. Protectively he held the other straight out, his eyes narrowing. “She is not food,” he said sternly, glowering darkly as one of them took a step forward, daring to try again. Things were far worse than he could ever imagine here. They were willing to eat a live horse just to stay alive! In a way, he couldn’t blame them. If he were starved like they were, his survival instincts would probably make him do the same.

“If you stop, I will bring everyone fish, but you can not eat Baby Tooth, do you understand?” He said, taking a step forward, holding his head up high. They didn’t believe him - his words fell on deaf ears. Two of them made a mad dash forward, but Hiccup was ready. He reached into his belt and extended his new staff, twirling it with one hand and swept their feet out from under them. With small screeches they fell on their backs, Hiccup standing over them before they could recover their wits, his staff pointed at them. “I promise you, if you stop I will bring you food.”

He didn’t expect it to work, but after a few minutes of none of them moving, he took a few cautious steps back, letting his staff rest against his chest. Honestly he didn’t trust them. As soon as he turned his back to them, they’d attack. Maybe if he backed up his words, they’d be less inclined to do this again.

Digging around in their supply bag, he gave them what they had. The bread, the extra rabbit (aside from the one he promised to the innkeeper), the bird, and three fish left in the pack. He could feel Toothless growl but merely shushed him. These people needed the supplies more than they did anyway.

As soon as they got the food, some of them ran, not seeming to either understand or care about his words. Some stayed, staring up at him, confused. Why would a stranger give them food, they probably wondered as the child started to wake, her stomach growling softly. “Please, leave us be. I’ll bring more fish once my friend’s done, okay?” The ones that lingered merely turned away, leaving without another word. They probably didn’t even know what to think, they were just relieved to finally have substance.

A screeching hiss came from behind him, arms wrapping around him tightly as nails dug into his chest and arms. Hiccup cried out, nearly dropping the child in shock. He didn’t think - he ran backwards. Teeth sunk into his shoulder, making him cry out before he slammed them into the rickety house as hard as he could. The sudden impact made the attacker’s hold around him loosen, giving him enough time to punch the attacker in the face. The child held onto him tighter, which only helped keep the auburn alert. Grabbing the staff that fell into the dirt, he twisted around and pointed it at the attacker’s neck, rolling his eyes when he saw it was the innkeeper.

“Seriously??” Hiccup lowered the staff a bit, glaring at him. “I didn’t forget about you,” he hissed, not taking his eyes off him as he made his way to the pack. With no free hands – because there was no way he was going to lower his staff now - Toothless crawled out of his hood, wanting to bite the man’s nose off for attacking them.

“Toothless,” Hiccup forewarned, making the dragon merely hiss as he went into the bag and pulled out the last bit of meat they had. Angrily he spit the rabbit to the ground, glowering darkly at the villager who looked like a rabid animal. “The small black canteen too please,” the dragon whisperer said, making Toothless glare up at his owner.

“Seriously? You’re giving this f-”

“Yes,” Hiccup said, watching apprehensively as the man very slowly sunk down to grab the rabbit, looking like a feral animal like this. “I promised him already.” The dragon wasn’t happy about this, but he had no other choice. Going back in the bag, he grabbed what was asked and spit it to the ground as well.

The staff was trained in his direction until the man grabbed the goods and quickly stood, drinking the water as if his life depended on it. “Can you give us a room now, please?” Hiccup asked, feeling fatigued now. He needed to wash his wounds too; who knew what kind of disease and bacteria the man had.

Hearing the request, the man led them back in. Fumbling through a drawer on the desk, he pulled out a key and threw it, seeming to give his full attention to the rabbit. Hiccup could care less as he showed himself to the room. It looked like all the other buildings, brittle and not very comfortable. In two different corners of the room, there were remnants of what he assumed were haystacks. Of course the beds would be stolen. At least there was still a roof over their head.

Going to the window, he whistled, Baby Tooth finding it and poking her head in. “You’ll sleep right here so we can keep an eye on you, okay girl?” He smiled, gently stroking her snout. “Can you turn?” He asked, motioning with a finger to turn sideways so he could get the sleeping bags out. Neighing in response, the horse did as he was asked while Hiccup very gently knelled on the ground, putting his hands on the little girl’s sides. “I’m gonna put you down for a minute, kay?” He said softly. The girl didn’t fuss as she was placed on the ground again, gazing around the room with that same blank stare. If he wasn’t mistaken, he could’ve sworn he saw awe and amazement twinkle in her eyes.

“I have some left over rabbit stew, does that sound good?” Hiccup asked as he took the last bit of food off Baby Tooth, gently handing her the canteen it was stored in. She looked down at it, not making any movement to reach out for it herself. Sighing tiredly, he finished getting what they needed from Baby Tooth’s pack before he started feeding her.

She choked at first, making Hiccup’s heart curl in sadness. She wasn’t used to food… how could anyone just leave them on the side of the road like this? Thinking back to the behavior of the people, he shivered. Actually, he was okay no one noticed them before. They were willing to eat Baby Tooth and himself alive.

Unconsciously he pulled a hand up to his shoulder, feeling the bite ache and burn slightly. He hoped Jack was faring better than they were. “Hey bud,” Hiccup said in dragonese, watching as the dragon crawled out of his hood again to jump on the ground, arching his back and stretching. “Do you think you can get some fish with the big net?”

Toothless sighed dramatically, purposely falling flat on his belly, looking up at Hiccup with that judging gaze of his. “These selfish twits don’t deserve fish! They took Toothless’s fish - your food!” He sniffled, horribly annoyed. “They bit you too! No one bites Toothless’s friend but me!”

“I know, but they’re just trying not to die.” Hiccup sighed, reaching forward and petting behind his ear. “Please Toothless. Once we get the seasoning, I’ll be sure to season and cook your fish for a whole week.”

Toothless’s ears raised in interest, though he quickly looked away, trying to act like he wasn’t interested. “I donno… this is awfully selfish of my human,” he said, giving him a quizzing look. “You’ll feed them this time, but what about their next meal? They won’t learn, and you can’t teach them when they can’t even get to the river themselves.”

Hiccup’s jaw clenched tightly. “I’m aware,” he said, avoiding eye contact. “I’ll talk to Jack about it. Maybe we can relocate the wolves or - or - I donno! We’ll think of something!” He said, looking over to the child. “I… can’t get over how they were so hungry they were willing to eat a living horse, a child, and me. I… just want to do something to help.”

Toothless sighed as he stood, not understanding why his human was so keen on making their lives harder. “Typical Hiccup behavior,” he yawned, jumping up on the window seal. “I’ll get the stupid fish for the stupid humans. But if you ask Toothless, you’re wasting our time.”

“Thanks Toothless,” Hiccup said, quickly scrambling up and strapping on the harness he made that had the net attached. “Please be careful.”

Night started falling when Toothless came back, the haul large enough to feed the whole village for a week if they were careful. Just to be safe, Toothless dropped the haul away from the inn, not wanting the villagers to tear them to shreds trying to get the fish.

“Thanks bud, you’re the best,” Hiccup smiled, gently scratching under the dragon’s chin. He couldn’t hide his worry though. “Jack hasn’t come back yet.”

“I’m sure the dumdum’s fine,” the dragon reassured. The sigh that left Hiccup’s lips made the creature frown, knowing where this was going. “Oh sure, let’s go find the dufus without giving poor Toothless a rest,” he mumbled dramatically as he slipped into Hiccup’s hoodie again, beyond exhausted.

“It’s not like you’re doing the walkin,” Hiccup chuckled as he gently picked the child up, trying his best not to arouse her and headed out. The village was so dark at night, only a few houses put out torches for others to use. Somehow, even with the fog rolling in, the village was scarier during the day. Like this, they couldn’t see the bodies or filth.

The first person they ran into was, surprisingly the doctor. He was staring up, completely dumbfounded at the haul of fish Toothless dumped in the middle of the street.

“Who did this?” The man asked, blinking his eyes a few times thinking this was just an illusion. The smell was what really gave it away as others started coming out of their homes.

“I promised a few of the villagers I’d bring them fish, so I found a way to get enough to last a week without anyone going hungry,” Hiccup smiled, so proud of Toothless. If the world wasn’t so chaotic and unpredictable, he would’ve immediately given the credit to him, but there was still so much they didn’t know about these starve-crazed people. Risking his best friend’s life was out of the question.

Seeing as no one had words, Hiccup starting walking away. “Sorry I couldn’t do more. Just make sure everyone gets some.” Receiving no response, Hiccup rolled his eyes, making his way to the area he left Jack. Luckily he didn’t have to search long. He was still on the outskirts putting dirt on the grave.

Wait, why wasn’t he done yet?

“Hey,” Hiccup started, watching Jack tense a bit at his voice. “Everything okay? You haven’t come by yet, I was getting worried-” that’s when he saw it. Not just one grave, but multiple. Dozens probably.

Did Jack bury everyone on the streets?

“Jack-”

“I couldn’t leave them like that,” Jack started, shoveling more dirt on the current grave he was working on. It seemed filled in enough. “Being left like that… it was like their lives didn’t matter. But they did-” he gritted his teeth, clenching the shovel so tightly his knuckles turned white. “They were all people - people who walked alongside everyone else here, so why… why?!” The demigod turned, ice crawling a bit on the ground as he tried his hardest to keep his powers under control, but the wind was starting to pick up as well. Gently Hiccup set the child on the ground, not saying a word as he pulled Jack into a hug, catching the demigod off guard. Instantly the ice receded, the wind stopped picking up as he just trembled and sniffled, staring at the ground, not believing what he was feeling. Hiccup… was comforting him? Physically comforting him? It… had been so long since someone cared enough to hold him close, to very gently and very slowly run their fingers up and down his back, allowing him to melt against him.

Dropping the shovel, he wrapped his arms around Hiccup, burying his head into the crook of his neck, trying to compose himself.

Warm - Hiccup was warm. His posture was perfect and stern - the perfect ground for him, even if Jack had to crouch a bit due to being taller this was perfect. Normally this state left him frustrated, angry and feeling weak, yet somehow this was different. He felt… safe, warm, and free from judgment, especially with those soft words of encouragement that were being whispered into his chocolate brown hair lightly dusted with melting ice.

Like this, it was okay not to be the strong one all the time. In fact, he felt normal for once.

It took awhile, but eventually Jack pulled away, wiping his eyes. “S-sorry,” he mumbled, unable to look Hiccup in the eyes.

“It’s what I’m here for,” Hiccup reassured with a soft smile that was a bit difficult to make out through the thick blanket of night. “Do you want any help?”

Jack shook his head, sniffling and picking up the shovel. “That was the last one, actually.”

“I’m glad, let’s head to bed then.” Jack nodded, agreeing. Hiccup picked the child back up and turned to head back to the inn.

“Wait-” the doctor’s voice stopped them. Turning, they barely saw his outline in the dark even with the small torch he held in his hand. “I wanted to thank you for the fish. It’s been a while since… we’ve known hospitality. Thank you, Hiccup.”

“It’s no big deal,” Hiccup reassured, feeling Jack’s questioning gaze against him. He’d explain later.

“It is to us. It’s made me rethink my life, actually,” he admitted. “I… have decided I want to adopt the child and raise her as my own.” Out of instinct, Hiccup took a step back, turning his body the child rested on away from the man. “I’m not proud of what this village has become. After what happened, most of us lost our humanity. And you reminded us of it.”

Hiccup bit his bottom lip as he stared down at the child in his arms, unsure of what to do. “The innkeeper… tried to eat her.” He said, looking at the other seriously. “How do I know you won’t hurt her?” Jack gasped beside him, but thankfully didn’t pry.

“Because I will treat her like the daughter I lost that tragic night,” he responded, voice full of sorrow. “I won’t make the same mistakes I did before.”

The decision was hard. There was honestly no reason for Hiccup to believe anything the doctor said, but who was he to deny this man a chance at redemption? If Jack could change, so could this man. Besides, it would be difficult to bring the child on their adventures. It was far too dangerous.

“Are… you okay with staying with this man?” He asked the child, who merely stared back up at him blankly. He figured she wouldn’t say anything, but it was worth a shot. Titus hadn’t done anything to suspect him of being malicious or anything. Just someone who was losing their will to live, like all the others here – just like this little girl. Maybe it was fate – maybe he was destined to raise this child so they could both find love and hope in the world again. “Okay… but if anything happens-”

“You need to hold me responsible,” the doctor admitted, looking sorrowful in the dim light. “If I fail this child too, I do not deserve life.”

Looking over to Jack, who merely shrugged, he made up his mind. Hesitantly he gently handed the child over. “She’s half starved to death, like everyone here. I’ve been giving her food and water very slowly.”

“I’ll do the same, thank you,” he said, sounding and looking so much happier. It was like the child poured life into him when they locked eyes. “I shall name her Renata, which means to be born again.”

“I like it,” Hiccup admitted, beaming with happiness. “I’ll check on you guys tomorrow, okay?”

“Goodnight,” the doctor bowed a bit, the child clinging a bit to the man as they headed back to the inn. Luckily everyone else seemed to go to bed, even the creepy innkeeper as Baby Tooth neighed happily at the window.

“Seems like I missed a lot,” Jack mumbled as Hiccup lit the lantern they had on the ground.

“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” Hiccup winked, pointing to Jack’s sleeping bag. “I kinddd of gave away all our food, so no dinner tonight,” he laughed a bit nervously, surprised the demigod didn’t get angry. He just gave him a perplexed look as he slipped into his mat. So Hiccup told his tale, leaving out the details of getting hurt. He didn’t want to know how Jack would react; the last thing he wanted was to be treated like fragile glass again. When he finished, Jack was a bit angry - not at him, but the people in the village.

“They really tried to eat you three?” He asked, shaking his head in disgust.

“Yeah,” Hiccup murmured, unconsciously pressing his hand to his wounded shoulder that was hidden beneath his shirt. “That’s why I wasn’t sure… if I could trust the doctor.”

“I’m surprised you did!” Jack shouted without meaning to. Realizing what he did he ran a stressed hand through his hair. “S-sorry, I’m still worked up from earlier. Titus did sound genuine.”

“He did,” Hiccup admitted, growing a bit apprehensive. “I had Toothless get fish for them, but I want to help them somehow.”

“That’ll be hard,” the demigod speculated, laying back in bed and staring up at the ceiling, recalling the observations he made earlier. “They picked the most inconvenient place to build a village. The only thing they can do to help themselves is to move.”

As much as Hiccup hated that answer, Jack had a point. This was seriously one the worst possible locations to start a village. There wasn’t a definite water source unless they continuously dug underground. Being so weak, they didn’t have the manpower to dig for more water, and they didn’t have the energy to travel miles away, not to mention to carry water back from the river. They could barely stumble around their own village. There wasn’t living vegetation for miles either, just a bunch of dead trees due to the lack of water.

Why would they build in such a location? “I get it,” Hiccup realized, looking over at the walls. “The buildings are so frail and brittle, I wonder if they stumbled upon a village that was abandoned or destroyed and figured it’d be safe.”

“Maybe,” Jack said, though didn’t seem too interested in the conversation anymore. “We should get some sleep. We’ll have plenty of time in the morning to deliberate before we head out looking for the thief again.” Burying that many people must’ve taken a toll on Jack, Hiccup realized. Not only physically, but emotionally too.

Crawling into his sleeping bag that was next to Jack’s, he blew out the lantern, Toothless curling up against his chest to get the most warmth. “Goodnight.”

Someone was trying to wake him up, but everything sounded so muffled and far away. His body felt heavy, as if his limbs were made of lead, which only made it harder to gain consciousness.

“-up, H- cup!” Someone was screaming in his ear, the desperation clear in their voice, making him groan. The more aware he became, he realized how hard it was to breath. His chest and lungs were convulsing, his throat trying to close.

Shit- he rolled onto his side in an attempt to make it easier on himself to breath. At the new angle, he became aware of more pain, this time in his limb as his metal prosthetic was hot, burning his skin. Groaning he opened his eyes, only to wish he were dreaming.

The wall leading into the inn was on fire, the flames practically leaping out to consume them. A rhythmic pounding could be vaguely heard over the fire eating away at the structure. The pounding became a bang, the neighing of an angry frantic horse filling the air.

“Baby Tooth-” Hiccup cough, slowly forcing himself to sit up, his eyes frantically going to Jack. The demigod was sweating so much, writhing and moaning as if his body was melting from the inside out. Toothless crawled over to yell and scream into his ears, trying to wake him up. He probably wouldn’t though, fire was Jack’s greatest weakness.

Dizzily Hiccup got to his feet, ignoring the horrific pain that shot through his limb as he pulled one of Jack’s arm’s over his shoulders, not even bothering to waste time trying to rouse him. He stumbled a bit, Baby Tooth luckily closing the distance. “Thanks,” he coughed out, trying with all his might to lift Jack onto the horse. Even under normal circumstances he’d have a hard time doing this, which made him groan in frustration as he stumbled, nearly falling face first with the limb demigod. How was he going to get him onto Baby Tooth?!

“He owes me,” Toothless whined as he bit Jack’s shirt and flapped his wings with all his might. The horse also realized she needed to help as he knelled to a sitting position, the collaboration finally successful as Hiccup managed to slide Jack onto the saddle. “Thank the gods-” he slipped on as well, Toothless landing on his shoulder, focused and alert. Fire was his element, which meant he would be the one protecting them this time.

Coming out the same way they entered, Baby Tooth stormed out, only to reveal the whole village was on fire, along with the surrounding dead trees. It literally looked like they were in a fireball, the smoke so thick he was surprised he hadn’t passed out yet.

Sensing this, Toothless flew off his shoulder and in front of Baby Tooth. “Follow me-” He said. He didn’t have to ask twice as Baby Tooth followed. Weaving through the walls of flames and crumbling infrastructures, Hiccup pressed a cloth lightly to Jack’s mouth to keep the smoke out while leaning completely forward in the saddle, using his shirt to help himself. It was getting harder and harder to keep up the position, the cloth against Jack’s mouth slipping a few times and accidentally whacking him in the nose.

Just when he didn’t think he could keep it up any longer, Baby Tooth made a big leap. The flames he had seen dancing even behind closed eyelids slowly disappeared, forcing him to open his sore orbs. No fire in front of them, though when he turned his head, he felt his heart ache as the blaze continued. Gods he hoped everyone managed to make it out alive. Somehow both he and Jack slept right through it. That wasn’t like them at all, especially Jack.

“River?” Toothless asked, still leading the way. If they didn’t just nearly die and were still suffering the after effects, Hiccup would’ve praised him.

“Yes-” Hiccup choked back, his hand struggling to press against Jack’s neck.

A pulse - he was still alive. Hopefully being out of the heat and into the chilly night would somewhat help.

Even by horse the river was far. It took an hour, but they were finally there, the blaze just smoke in the air far away. Hiccup slid off Baby Tooth, stumbling and falling on his butt. Darkness swam before his vision, to which he quickly shook it away. Jack needed his help. He couldn’t sleep until he took care of everything.

Forcing himself to stand, he went to Jack, and with his companions help, he was able to get him safely on the ground. In their rush Hiccup didn’t even think to grab the sleeping bags, which meant they didn’t have anything to lay on. The mud would have to do, he inwardly groaned.

Making an area for Jack to sleep, he forced the unconscious demigod to wake up enough to drink water. He pressed wet clothes to his forehead, neck and feet. Thank gods he didn’t have to worry about Jack getting frostbite.

“Toothless,” Hiccup slurred after taking a drink, trying desperately to stay awake. Someone needed to keep watch, especially since they didn’t know what caused the fire. “Do you know what happened?”

The dragon shook his head. “No. The air started smelling really sweet, then the fire came. It was so fast, I couldn’t wake you two up. Toothless was so scared....” the dragon landed on Hiccup’s lap, his ears drooping. “Toothless… thought he was gonna lose his Hiccup.”

Despite his fatigue, Hiccup pulled his best friend into a hug. “I’m sorry for scaring you bud. Thanks for not giving up on us. You got through to me.” The dragon nuzzled his face before pulling away, seeing and feeling the way Hiccup was swaying dangerously from side to side.

“I’ll keep watch again, Toothless is not tired. Toothless will wake you if anything happens.”

Hiccup probably would’ve teased him if it wasn’t for the circumstance. Instead he merely nodded, muttering a quiet thanks before falling asleep against Jack, their backs nearly touching.

The sound of crunching feet made Hiccup’s eyes snap wide open, seeing no one other than Jack standing in front of him. He was slouched over, obviously in pain, but he was talking to someone… wait - was that the doctor with the child??

He smiled and nearly cried in relief, but stopped himself upon hearing Jack’s murderous tone.

“How could you set the whole village on fire?! What about all the people who couldn’t understand what’s going on around them?!”

The doctor’s eyes merely became colder, his hand tightening around the little girls who stood calmly next to him as a sick twisted smile folded onto his lips. “I showed them mercy. They would’ve never gained back what they lost. You know how the Nightmares work!”

“Some come back - GODDAMMIT and you KNEW that!” Jack snapped angrily back, air and wind starting to get chilly. “You tried to kill Hiccup! He tried to help you goddamnit, he even saved her!” He pointed to the little girl.

“Yes, but you see, she was the one who reminded me of you,” he said, looking down to the little girl who was staring blankly up at Jack.

Was it blankly? There was a hint of a frown and something else. Something he couldn’t put his finger on.

“What!?” Jack paled, staring at her as he desperately tried to remember.

“You murdered them,” she whispered, her voice so monotone and frail it was like a whisper on the wind. “My brother… and I watched. You murdered them… even though my father begged you to spare mother so she could take care of us.” She tilted her head. “You killed father, but you let the other kill mother-”

“No-” Jack shook his head, taking a step back. “There was nothing I could do, that was Pitch Black. If I had said anything you two would’ve been killed!”

“We would’ve liked that,” she said so stoically it hurt. “Instead of suffering and wasting away on the streets, a quicker death would’ve been easier than that.”

Jack shook his head, clearly losing it. “No-”

“I don’t believe it,” Hiccup voiced from behind them, moving to stand in front of Jack, trying to shield him as best as he could. ”Jack never killed women and children. If he says he would’ve done something to help, he would have.” His fiery emerald eyes made the child shut up. He nursed her back to health. He hoped that meant something to her. “I haven’t met Pitch in person, but I’ve heard of him - I’ve vaguely felt what he’s capable of-” he shivered as he remembered the shadow person. “You have every right to be mad, to be furious. Jack’s trying to atone for what he’s done by dedicating his life to save others, even if it results in him getting hurt.” He mumbled, not liking that aspect. “He’s already atoning for his sins. If you want someone to be mad at, be mad at the one who orchestrated everything - be mad at Pitch. Because unlike Jack, he loves killing. He loves destroying people’s minds and watching people suffer. He doesn’t regret what he’s done at all. And if left unchecked, he’ll try taking over the world. So instead of trying to kill Jack, try killing the asshole that’s laughing on his throne and gloating about his kill and victory count.”

The doctor’s eyes widened before lowering them in both shame and anger. There were so many emotions swirling inside him as conflicting ideas made him freeze up. “The other man… Pitch, he’s really… getting away with this, isn’t he?” He quivered, seeming to realize who Pitch was.

“No,” Jack said sternly, an unspoken promise in his hard determined deep blue eyes. “I’ll deal with him myself.”

“He’s the one-“ Toothless whispered quietly, somehow crawling into his hoodie unseen. “He smells like that sweet stuff before the fire started. He’s practically covered in it.”

“What?” Hiccup blinked, looking at the doctor very cautiously, feeling the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

Titus shook his head, anger seeming to win out as his eyes looked Jack up and down. “Do you expect to be able to blame everything on that bastard and then be free from guilt?!” He scowled, gritting his teeth angrily. “It doesn’t work that way!”

“No shit, I wouldn’t want to be anyway,” Jack snapped back, his body starting to relax just slightly. “Nothing I ever do will ever atone for what I’ve done. If it was possible, I’d let everyone I’ve ever hurt get a chance to kill me, but only have one life to give, so I intend to use what’s left of it to protect the innocent from people like I used to be.”

The doctor’s eyes narrowed, taking a slight step forward. “Who’s to say your sense of justice and right from wrong are correct?”

That pissed Jack off though as ice froze the grass around Jack's feet, his voice deep with power. “What about you? You burned down that village with people still inside! They probably all burned to death without really understanding what was going on!”

Titus’s eyes darkened sinisterly as he pulled out a sword, holding it up to the small girl’s throat. She didn’t move or flinch, she remained unchanged despite the threat. Both Jack and Hiccup grew pale and tensed considerably, the stakes now raised dangerously high. The little girl might hate Jack but they were not about to let her die!

“I was trying to save you from the fire by spiking the air with drugs Hiccup, but the fire… got out of hand,” he smirked, as if he should get an award or medal for his efforts. “Unlike that bastard you are pure of heart. Kind, humble and compassionate – you’re everything we used to be, before he took everything from us!” The doctor pulled the sword closer to the child’s throat. “Tie the murder up,” he ordered.

Hiccup looked to Jack, who merely nodded. “Do as he says,” he resigned, not wanting to risk the child’s life. He wasn’t sure if Jack had a plan, but he did. The only one that knew about Toothless was the little girl, As far as he was aware, the doctor hadn’t seen Toothless once. Panic would’ve played out a lot sooner if he had. “Attack-“ he said, which luckily in dragonese sounded like a natural noise a human would regrettably make. Without hesitation Toothless flew out of his hood and slammed into Hiccup’s face. The cry of pain was real, along with his desperate thrashing to get Toothless off his sensitive nose.

“Dragon attack!” Jack cried, quickly catching onto the plan as he ran to Hiccup’s side. He knew the doctor would let him aid Hiccup after his story and probably felt compelled to help him himself. Titus did falter, the blade against the child’s neck disappearing as he was trying to decide if he should charge or not. Toothless jumped on Jack’s face this time, hurting the demigod’s poor nose as well, which only made this more believable.

Seeing the change in target, the man ran over and picked Hiccup up by the arm, trying to put the blade to his neck, but the dragon whisperer was prepared. His elbow flew back, slamming the man in the balls as his other hand twisted his sword arm. Crying out in both agony and shock the man dropped the sword. Within seconds the doctor slumped over Hiccup, unconscious as Jack helped get the man off him. “He’ll be fine, I just knocked him out. We’ll bring him with us to the next city, hand him to the guards so he can get a fair trial as we look for the thief.”

Hiccup nodded, starting to feel sick to his stomach. All those hopeless people left behind… he felt like there was something he could’ve done to prevent this. “Do you think… some of them got away?”

Jack glanced over at the little girl who remained standing as she did before, her eyes trained on the unconscious man. He remembered her words – remembered the pain and conviction in them. “Maybe,” he guessed, going over to Baby Tooth and grabbing ropes. “They’re survivors after all.”

It was hard to believe, but Hiccup decided it was best to remain hopeful. That way he didn’t have to conquer up grotesque images he believed he’d see if they traveled back to the village. “I know it’s hard to believe,” Hiccup started, his voice so gentle and warm as he looked over to the small child. “But Jack won’t hurt you, I won’t hurt you. I understand if you can’t trust us, I probably wouldn’t if I had gone through the same thing, but we can’t just leave you in the woods, you’ll die,” he mumbled sadly as he slowly came up to her, keeping a comfortable distance so she wouldn’t feel threatened. “There’s a village not too far from here. They have plenty of food, water, and just about anything you could ask for. We won’t leave you until we’re sure you’re in good hands this time, okay?”

The child’s eyes slowly met his, a flicker of some emotion crossing her eyes. Her hands slowly found the other as she played with her fingers, as if nervous about it. It was the second proper response he’d seen from her though; there was hope for her after all.

“Someone… will care… there?” She asked, her voice so soft and hushed it was heartbreaking.

“Yes,” Hiccup reassured, slowly opening his eyes, inviting her for a hug. “We’ll help you find a family and home.”

She still wasn’t sure, it showed in the way her body tensed and how she held her fingers tightly together. But slowly, ever so slowly, she started coming forward, her gaze glued to the ground. Hiccup nearly choked on a sob, so incredibly happy and proud of her. She was making her own decision for once.

Very hesitantly, she slowly walked into his embrace, though kept her hands to herself. Hiccup didn’t mind though as he only used one hand to rest on her back in the form of a hug. He didn’t want her to feel constricted or anything. He didn’t want to scare her.

Jack made a grumbled noise as he fell on his bottom, still horribly weak from the heat, though watched them with a warming heart even if he couldn't see much with Hiccup’s back facing him. Hiccup really was something else. Despite him and Tadashi having so much in common, they were also very different. Unlike Tadashi, who was more calm and reserved, Hiccup was wild and unpredictable, just like a dragon. But he was also kind and compassionate. He knew how to talk to a crowd – he knew how to talk people down or inspire them. Maybe it was the air he had around him that made humans, animals and dragons trust him. He was innocent, yet the strong determined look and prosthetic leg constantly reminded him that Hiccup had a sorrowful past as well.

Gods, what he’d give to take Hiccup’s pain away. The world needed more people like him, peaceful, innovative, and-

Hiccup was stiff, too stiff. Something was wrong. He had never seen his posture like this before.

As if sensing his concern, Toothless, who had perched himself on Jack’s shoulder so he wouldn’t frighten the child quickly flew over to Hiccup, landing on his shoulder as Jack scrambled over. The warrior’s eyes scanned the trees, making sure there wasn’t anyone or any thing out there like the shadow he had seen at the Hamada Village.

“What’s wrong-“ Jack asked, quickly looking down at him, only to have his eyes strewn in choked horror.

Hiccup was slightly slouched over, his hand still on the little girl’s back as his foggy eyes stared down at her and a dagger in his chest. Jack’s blue eyes widened in pure shock and horror, his body shutting down.

This couldn’t be happening - this had to be a dream - a nightmare! Hiccup did so much for her, surely, surely she - a mere child - wouldn’t so such a thing-!

Blood started staining the front of Hiccup’s hoodie, the child gazing up at Jack with cold distant eyes as she pushed the dagger in deeper, Hiccup letting out a choked gasp of pain.

And the child did nothing but remain stoic, burning the image of Jack’s petrified bluing face to memory.

[kl4us4]

MELODRAMA

CHAPTER SIX: LIABILITY 

Summary: Three lifelong friends - Poe, Finn, and Ben - encounter a new transfer to the base. You. And it isn’t long before you and Ben become closer than anyone had expected.

masterlist / melodrama masterlist

It had been five days since you spoke to Ben. Nearly a week. He hadn’t come to see you after your chores and when you went to his room, you were met with no answer to the knock you left on his door. 

Today, your introduction finally began as to what exactly you’d be doing here at the D’Qar base. Despite your involvement in the Resistance being important to you, your mind couldn’t help but think about Ben. 

You sit next to Finn, feeling restless as you watch new members collect badges to commemorate their first day on base. Your badge weighs your shirt down and you almost fear that it’ll tear a hole into your shirt.

Taking it off, you settle for placing it in your pocket instead. Turning to your friend, you whisper, “Finn... have you seen Ben?” 

 He looks to you, pausing before he shakes his head. “No, he hasn’t let me inside his room whenever I’ve come to check on him.” 

 “Does he do this often? Disappear for a while?” You wonder, your eyes settling to the front small stage area where General Organa welcomes the new members. 

The words remind you of what Ben had said about Han. ‘He does this disappearing act whenever things get too much for him to handle. None of us know where he goes.’ Beside Leia is a seat where her son, an integral part of the Resistance, should be seated amongst other officials. As the General’s son, a certain image needs to be kept. If you knew that, then Ben definitely knew it; and he didn’t care. 

 Finn shrugs slightly, intensifying your worries. “No, I mean sometimes he’ll stay in his room the day after a party. But this times different.”

“Why is it different?”

“Yesterday was his birthday.” 

It’s like the sound of glass breaking. Or a child screaming. The crashing of a massive wave. Lightning cracking against an oak tree. It shocks you. “He’s 18.” You note, feeling your chest caving in, “He never told me.”

Finn shrugs, “He’s never liked his birthday. Not anymore.”

There’s an unspoken conversation between you and Finn. You both know that he has to leave soon; when he’s 18. But it’s sooner than you had ever thought. You look at your feet as another member is initiated into the Resistance. “Do you think he’s okay?”

A pause. Finn then looks at you, his eyes filled with a knowing look. It’s like he’s trying to figure out your motives. You avoid his curious eyes. “I don’t know.” Finn admits, turning back to the stage area. His eyes, like yours, linger on the empty seat. 

“If I were you two I wouldn’t worry about it too much,” Rey states, seeming to appear from thin air. You turn to her, watching her calm expression as she talks. “He’s probably just shitty that he’s leaving.”

Clenching your jaw, you turn back to the front. Unknown to you, Finn gives Rey an incredulous expression to which Rey looks confused. Finn then gestures to you, watching you as you let out a sad sigh. “Look,” Rey continues with a sigh matching your own, “I know you’re upset but it’s inevitable. Bens had his destiny written for him since he was born. Being connected to the force, no less.”

Nodding, you don’t look at her. “Yeah.” Is all you respond with.

“It’ll be good for him.” Rey shrugs.

“How do you know that?” Finn snaps at her, turning to look at Rey who widens her eyes sceptically, “And as if you even care about what’s good for Ben.”

“Just because I’m not friends with him like you guys-”

“Exactly, you’re not friends with him. So keep his name from your mouth.” Finn breathes, feeling the hurt come rushing into his chest at the thought of Ben actually leaving. Finn hasn’t gotten to deal with it until now. 

Rey feels like she could say so much more about Ben. She knows things that Finn will never. But she keeps her mouth shut, aggravating him even more. Turning roughly in his seat, Finn doesn’t meet your gaze. Feeling her chest rise with anger, Rey stands up abruptly and heads for the door. The sound of her chair screeching against the floor is loud, even General Organa even turns to look towards her. 

Clenching her fist, Rey exits the hall and is so close to the door before it opens before her. To your surprise, Ben steps inside and comes face to face with Rey. A pause occurs. Rey and Ben watch each other, almost as if they’re having a silent conversation. Ben can see what’s going to happen if he leaves with Luke and he can see Rey standing with a blue lightsaber amongst a forest of snow. He can see the weapon aimed at him.

Rey pushes past Ben, who glances towards the seat from which she left. His eyes connect with yours from across the room. It’s only for a split second before he looks to Finn, then down, then walks to the stage and sits in his seat. His hair looks tangled, not free-flowing like it usually does. His skin is pale and his eyes are wide, attached to purple bags. He looks nothing like the boy you had once laid your lips upon.

 That night, you couldn’t sleep. You kept feeling something pulling you awake, almost like someone was talking to you despite your room being empty. You open your eyes, staring at the pitch-black ceiling. There are no covers on you, the heat is too strong and there’s a road of sweat along your forehead. 

Suddenly, images flash through your mind. They startle you, making you gasp and sit up. Your head feels like it’s about to explode. A man, you see him, clear as day. His eyes are small and blue, wide and watching you. It only passes by your eyes for half a second but you couldn’t remove it from your mind. 

 It felt like he could see you, even now as you pull the covers up to your neck. You feel the eyes on you, glancing at every movement you make. 

 It paralyses you to the point where you’re afraid to move, scared that the owner of the blue eyes was in this very room. Your heart was pounding loudly and too quick, you could feel the thudding of it inside your aching head. Your breathing became rapid as another image was presented to you, now a different person. A person you knew. Ben. You can see him, lying in his bed, hair sticking to his forehead, tossing and turning as he’s unable to wake from his sleep. 

 You squeeze your eyes shut, feeling the blue eyes closer to you. Making a quick decision, you rip the covers from your bed, heading straight for the door which opens as soon as you’re in front of it. 

 You run down the hall, your hands shaking as you feel an approaching shadow gaining speed behind you. When you turn, there is nothing. But you feel the anxiety creeping up in your chest. 

 Making turns in the hallways that you didn’t know you knew, suddenly the sound of a door slamming shut makes you stop running. The shadow is left outside of the room, somehow unable to enter. You no longer feel under attack… you’re safe, somehow. You just know you are. 

 You’re in Ben’s room. And your heart slows down. Turning to his bed, he’s mirroring the image you saw of him. 

 “Ben,” you call, walking up to his bed. His eyebrows furrow and you can see his eyes strain against his eyelids as he looks around unable to find you, “I’m right here, wake up.” 

He lets out a small whimper as he grips the sheets of his bed, pain emitting across his features. You place a hand on the side of his face, sitting beside him on the bed. “Ben, wake up.” You shake him, to no avail, “Ben!” 

 When you yell, he sucks a deep breath in and opens his brown eyes. His chest heaves restlessly as he looks at you, sitting up on his bed. “Y/N,” he sounds exhausted, voice raspy and rough, “What are you doing here?” 

 You pause, “I don’t know.”

 “What happened?” He pushes his hair back, looking at you with worry despite his nightmare still prominent in his mind. 

 “I couldn’t sleep. It was weird. I felt like someone was… someone was in my room with me. And I kept seeing his blue eyes, he was watching me. I was so afraid… I couldn’t even move, Ben. And so I ran down the halls but it felt like something was chasing me. I don’t even know how I made it to your room, I don’t have an access code to get in here but, the door must have been open.” You tell him, furrowing your eyebrows at that last realisation. 

 He pulls you in for a hug, not knowing how you had the same blue eyes watching you as he did. But you pull away, about to ask him why he’s been isolating himself. “Let me hold you,” Ben states, his voice raspy and deep. “While I still can.” 

You both know what he means. And as he holds you, he knows he has to leave. He knows the blue-eyed man is trying to get a hold on you too, through Ben. He has to leave soon.

Morning comes too quickly and you wish you could stay in Ben’s arms for longer but the alarm on your watch goes off. You start actually working today. Poe is your new boss. You gently remove yourself from his arms, barely recognising him as your eyes glance at him in the sunlight. You look down at him, placing a hand on his cheek as you feel a sense of pity. 

He’s really struggling. And his parents don’t seem to want to help much. Or maybe they just don’t know how to. “Morning.” Ben sits up, looking restless and exhausted even in the morning after sleeping. You blush, feeling awkward that he caught you gawking at his face.

 “Did you sleep last night?” You wonder, seeing that he’s not stretching or yawning. With a shake of his head, you sit back down on the bed and he opposes.

“Y/N, you’re going to be late for work.” 

 “I don’t care.” You reply urgently, “Tell me what’s wrong. And don’t give me a fucking excuse or a lie... and don’t push me away. Let me help you, Ben.” You urge him, watching him intently. 

 “I don’t want your help,” Ben admits as he stands up, wishing he could turn back time and tell you to leave his room last night before he could give in to his weakness. “Look, I don’t think we should… be around each other anymore. I don’t think it’s good for either of us.”

“What? Ben, you know that I love being around you. I’ve never had a friend like you… I’ve never had as much fun as I do whenever I’m with you.” You admit, standing from his bed. He watches you as you walk to him, hesitantly placing your hands on either side of his face. “Stars... Look at you. Please.”

Ben can feel his heart beating loudly at your proximity. And he holds himself back from leaning into your warm touch. He’s not used to people displaying their affection like this. He’s used to ‘We’re sending you away, kid’, not caring touches like the ones you give him. 

He looks down, not answering you. Pulling your hands away from him, Ben misses the warmth until you grab his hand and pull him into the bathroom. Pushing him towards the still broken mirror, he looks at himself through the shards still intact. 

“Look at you!” You speak, feeling a lump in your own throat as you anger overcomes you, “Your eyes. You don’t even look like yourself.” Ben feels his eyes burning as he gazes at himself in his bathroom mirror - or what’s left of his bathroom mirror. He agrees with you, pressing his fingertips to his dry lips, then struggling to run through his hair.

You put your hand on him, turning his head to face you. “You don’t have to be alone anymore.” Leaning in, you press your lips to his forehead. Ben squeezes his eyes shut, almost breaking at the kindness of your gesture. 

When you pull away from him, Ben looks at you like he never has before. You wonder what’s going on through his head. His lips part as if he’s about to say something. In his head, right now is when it’s definite that he needs to leave. You’re too good for him, too good to be hunted down by Snoke because of your connection to the force - a connection that’s unknown to you.

You deserve a normal life. A life away from his mess. And one day he hopes that you get exactly that, but Ben knows he can’t be apart of it. But then he just shakes his head, taking a deep breath. “All I’ve done is gotten everyone in trouble. That’s all I’ve ever done. I’m better alone.”

You’re not sure what to tell him. Obviously, you think he’s wrong. But he seems so distant. 

“We’re good together. We have fun, don’t we?” You go to reach for him again but he takes a step away from you, leaving your eyes wide and your heart hurting, “That can’t just be in my head. You feel it too.”

“No.” Ben struggles the word out, biting his bottom lip for a few seconds as he turns away from you. “Being around you… it’s too much for me. I can’t control myself and my parents can tell. Now they’re even more eager to send me away. I would have been fine with leaving if you didn’t just... show up.” Ben turns to you, his chest heaving slightly, “I accepted the fact that I was leaving forever. But then, you happened. And yes, we’re so close.” He pauses, knowing he needs to say it. “And it was such a mistake.”

Your face falls completely as your heart breaks, contorting your face to show pure sadness that Ben has never seen before. Your eyes are wide, eyebrows slightly raise as your lips part. You need a second to gather what he’s said as you begin to cry. “Don’t say that,” you frown, shaking your head at him, “don’t say that, I know you don’t mean it.”

“I do.” He paces around slowly, “It was a waste of time… because now it’s harder to leave. You’re… You’re a liability.”

“What?” 

Ben thinks it through, wishing he didn’t have to lie to protect you. But Snoke has been contacting Ben, and the blue-eyed tyrant knows there’s something in you that everyone else has skipped over. 

In fear of Snoke manipulating you too, Ben knows what he has to do. He has to fulfil his destiny - he needs to go to Luke, he needs to train, and eventually, he needs to turn to the dark side. Or else, Snoke will ruin you too. And Ben believes you’re too good to be ruined. 

Using Snoke's words, Ben ignores you. “Your presence puts me at a weakness. That’s why this happened.” He seems to be rationalising it in his own head as he looks at the injury he caused. “I can’t control my emotions.” He mumbles to himself, repeating his mother’s words.

“I don’t believe you.” You stand to look at him with an incredulous expression that he feels right in his chest. You’re crying now, letting the tears roll down his cheeks. “Why are you lying to me?”

Ben can’t stand to look at you, knowing that he’s caused your pain and hurt. He, himself, feels like he’s about to be sick. What also shocks him is that you can see right through him. “You can go. If you want.” He interrupts, frowning like he’s in immense pain. He won’t look at you anymore. “It’s probably best.” 

Your eyes are wide. Why is he shutting you out all of a sudden? “Ben, don’t push me away.”

“Please.” He begs, holding his head in both his hands as if he has an immense headache, “Please, go.” 

His words strike your heart. You can’t believe he’s actually blaming you for the fact that his parents want to send him away. All you ever did was try to be his friend, someone that would stay by his side. You were having so much fun and you hadn’t felt that way in years. 

He’s changed you already, you look at the world a little better because of him. You end up having fun every day you wake up. You’ve been living in Bens mentality since you met him. 

You feel your eyes burn as you cry, knowing you’ll never share another joke or laugh with Ben. He’s not Ben anymore, at least not the one that had smiled and talked with you the first time you met at that diner. 

He looks close to death, frail and washed with a sickening white across his features. You wipe away your tears, the hurt from his thoughts about you is prominent. 

“Ben... I’m really worried about you.” Is all you manage to say to which he just responds: 

 “Most people are.” 

Taglist: @mell-bell 

[bersonwriter]

Uchideshi at Integral Dojo, in the city of Tel Aviv, Israel, Middle East. Month 1 of 2 / May-June 2018

I think it’s time to write again.

If any of you have been visiting this blog/site from time-to-time to see if I’d posted, and seen that I had not, I’m sorry about that. A lot has been happening and up until the last few days, I’ve had fairly low-energy and have been sort of exhausted, or at least fairly worn out, most of the time, In fact, I haven’t really felt that good for the most part the last couple of weeks. There’s a shift happening though in my time here for the better, and I’m starting to feel it again. And so, I thought I’d use this new energy and spirit to return to the internet and write my time here.

Being an “uchi deshi”, which like I said last time is a Japanese term for “ inside student,” or “live-in student,” is hard.  The following is written about it on the website for the place I am living and studying in and through my time here.

“As an uchi deshi you are making a greater commitment to a developmental life through Aikido and related practices, in a full time, total emersion environment. This residential apprenticeship program is designed to develop your Aikido and deepen your understanding of the art.”

“If you think you are ready to immerse yourself in the art of Integral Aikido and walk the path of practice, embodiment, and meditation, then you are welcome to apply to our uchi deshi program, and come to train and live with us in the Integral Dojo, in Tel-Aviv.”

It is basically 2x a day classes 6 days a week, with one class only on Friday the exception, and no class on Saturdays. It’s hard. Sometimes it’s been amazing and focused and other times I’ve felt like resting or reading a book or taking a break. And to be straight, he has been open to me missing a class if something comes up or I need it, as long as I’m also communicating about it. There’s also the ongoing maintenance and cleaning of the dojo, somethings daily and others weekly. Like I said, it’s not easy. That being said, it is very, very much worth it. I still know I am exactly where I want to be right now in life. 

Part of that has to do with the last few days and meeting some people and a local community space, that has group dinners and workshops and yoga classes and music events. And its not far from where I live, maybe 10-15 minute walk from here. I want to know some of the people more, I really like some of them. I’ve really liked the people I practice/train with here at dojo too, but I haven’t really spent time with them outside of that environment. These people are also committed to well-being, connection, and embodying a sort of humanistic and even loving intention (to try and use a few terms that might describe the sort of ethos or spirit of the people I seem to connect to most in a depth-way). And they’re almost all Israeli. And, on of them is a Scot. 

That was fucking brilliant. I’ll write more about that later, but I met a guy from Glasgow, 35 and living here in Israel for a few years, a Jew but most definitely Scottish. I wasn’t expected that. I’m still trying to figure out how making it to the UK is going to work and what will happen there. It was sort of synchronicitious (word? of a synchronicistic quality) to meet a Scottish person here. And he’s a climber. And does yoga, too. And after a night learned about “Pele”, the community space and learning how to become a volunteer which I think I’ll do for the rest of my time here, I found out he used to do Aikido too. We’re exchanged contact information and he said when/if I make it to Scotland, I can stay with his “mum” (as they say in that part of the world) for dinner if want a place to go. I think we’ll be meeting up again soon... I’ve always wanted to know a Scot, and I’m looks like that is happening which is really something.

Okay, this isn’t going to be as uber-long as the last one. The frequency of these writings seem to not be happening as much as I thought, but I want to try and keep to the lengths. I know people are interested in following this, but I also want to make it work with people’s limited time, not against it. And so I’m going to take a minute to sit here in front of my laptop, close my eyes, breathe... and be with the where I’m at and how the last month has been here. Then I’m going to open them, and like I did last post/entry, start writing out some images and moments of the last 4 weeks in this city and what I’ve seen and experienced here. And then I’ll finish it off, and you can all go back to living your lives. Which, I hope, is going alright, wherever you are and whatever it is your experiencing. All of it.

Okay. I’ll start with what just happened, as it does about if not everyday in the mornings, and go from there:

A man yelling outside my window coming from the garage body shop down below, which seems to be happen at exactly 9am throughout the week, who’s words are still unintelligible to me. Something like “bira shratav hestratif! Behema destrev asafif!” Again, not that but maybe close to it. Its muffled and not that clear, but I can’t make out any Hebrew words I know. If anything it sounds more Arabic. Who knows.

Walking down through the neighborhoods of Montefiore, the area of Tel Aviv I live in here. Loud and noisy filled streets or honking and buses are not too far away to one side, the main Ayalon highway (route 20) a few streets to the other side, but here it’s relatively quiet and nice. Residential apartment buildings alongside with auto body shops, mechanic garages, an office building or two, an AM:PM (the 24 hr convenience store here, sort of like Israel’s 7-11 or C-Stop), a music store, synagogue, and some other corner stores, cafes, and food places.

Bus Stop at HaChashmonaim, Hamesger, and Derech Manachem Begin, always different people, a diversity I only somewhat expected to see here:

     - Middle-eastern-looking young men of different build more often than not very fit and athletic looking, in T-shirts and jeans around my age, maybe sunglasses, very short hair maybe some facial hair, usually not a lot of it. Also more “white” looking men, that is more “Ashkenazik,” or Jews of European, as opposed to those more middle-eastern “tsefardi” or “yemenite” in background.

      - Israeli women of all heights and ages, seemingly from my own, (20s) all the way through 30s and 40s, less commonly older, in anything from professional business clothes to light dresses to jeans and blouses and t shirts as well. And its hard not to walk the streets of Tel Aviv for more than a few minutes and not see an attractive woman somewhere around you.

    - Occasionally a religious Jew, either wearing ordinary clothes with a kippa, maybe tzit tzit, and sometimes too dressed fully in black and white as is often the way of the very orthodox here and elsewhere in the world.  

- To put it descriptively, “black people.” That’s the term an American would use, because that is who they most resemble from our own culture and country. That is, both men and women, usually young or middle-aged, who look very much of African descent because, well, they are. Though they are a wide range of black people here, from all different countries of origins and appearances too. Some are Ethiopian Jews who came here for refuge, though because I’m close to south Tel Aviv, which is very much an immigrant area, many came for jobs as migrant workers from places in Africa such as Eritrea, Somalia, and other places. Apparently their are some tensions with this minority and the the majority of the population of Israelis there. 

- Bicycles, with any of the previous demographics, riding by all the time.

- And motor-scooters, too. So many damn motor-scooters. It’s very characteristic of Tel Aviv, I’ve seen. They’re everywhere. Its a little ridiculous. More so are the little scooters people ride around on everywhere, where upright handles and all, on the sidewalks. They’re like as common here as long boards in California.

All of those types of people could be seen at the closest bus stop 5 minute walk from the dojo where I live, where the main streets of Hamesger and HaChashmonaim and Derech Menachem Begin all converge in one place, a hub of sorts.

There’s so much else I could write, but it’d take hours. Pages and pages of descriptions, let alone if I want to write reflections on it. I can tell you about the night I walked down Meir Diezengoff street, full of its well-known Tel Aviv night life of cafes and bars and stores open until really late, maybe 2, 3am. 

It was like 9, 10pm and I walked alone passed countless restaurants and food places packed with young Israeli’s crowded at outdoor tables watching the world cup and eating and drinking together, and then looking over and seeing a homeless man laying with his head away from people on the pavement behind a bus stop with a box in front of him for money. I remember looking at this and stopping myself to see it and feel it, because I realized that although I noticed and it did effect me, there was a thought of acknowledgement and empathy but not deeply felt compassion... which is what I think people like that need most... not the ignoring and not looking that most people do to have it not ruin their night out, but still not where I know I to be and exist from in this world.

 I recall looking at him asleep there, and this beautiful girl walked by with a friend, and buses flew past, and the air had cooled off because it was evening and was full of activity and sound of people having a time, and there I was walking alone, so much where I wanted to be doing in my life, but also with a “hole in my soul” to quote that song, which I hope and believe soon will be finally taken care of as well. As I walked on I saw two religious Jews next to each other on a bench, intensely conversing, while girls overly dressed up to go partying walk by in tall heels, and others, others, so much stimulus, so much humanity, so much dichotomy of both the lively and exciting and sad and painful and for me, freedom and as some know its occasional companion, loneliness.. is there too.

All part of this existence on earth, now in the 21st century, as people in this world. It’s not all good. So much of it is, and I’m experiencing that more and more. And here in Tel Aviv, this urban center in the middle of the opposite side of the planet from home in the United States, I’m developing myself to really be able to sustainable and with centeredness and well-being navigate it all, right now and when I return home, into and through the future.

To finish off I’ll say this, somewhat in reference to my comment in the last paragraph; if things happen the way I hope, not only will I be cultivating the abilities I am here with being an Uchideshi of centeredness, focused mind, open and relaxed but alert body, and embodied awareness and intent, but also find someone and people to open my heart again. That’s the one thing that’s missing from this picture, and there are possibilities there. I sense it happening soon. Maybe. Possibly. For sure maybe.

Hope you all are having an okay time back home. My parents reminded me recently its the 4th next week there. I hope you find a way to not just have a great time but develop in someway, even work on as some of the language is the Sensei’s words here, “evolve”. The idea of really working with life, and conflict, our experiences good and bad and neutral, and ourselves.. and developing into better and better humans, both for our own well being and longevity, but for that of all people in our lives and the the ones we continuously encounter throughout our days and weeks through time.

Final note: I am immeasurably grateful and appreciate to have the opportunity to do this trip and experience what I am here. I am from time-to-time aware, as I focus on the intensity of my training and self-development, that most of the people in this world will never have an opportunity to do something like this, even if they really wanted to and it could be really something for them and their life, too. It’s either because of time, or money, or both. I think of all the people I pass on the streets, everyone going to work, here and back home. I think of people from all classes back in the States, both the 40 year old working class parents who work two jobs just to pay the rent, or the more middle-class and affluent ones like my own parents and background, who might live more comfortably but only at the cost of non-stop working, frequent stress, and not a lot of time for themselves. I think of all the people pursuing advance degrees and further education, from people my peers, millennial in and finishing graduate school, in academics or in trade schools trying to secure financial security and a reliable future. 

I  from the soldiers my own age on the streets everywhere here, in uniform and looked very much like ordinary kids- kids, listen to me. They’re younger than me, that’s clear. They’re very much not kids though. 18, 19, maybe 20. They’re my sister’s age, and very much young adults. They are committed to this duty, and some of them might never live to be my age and live the rest of their lives. Most will. There are no wars happening here, only ongoing tension and conflict on and off. Still.. I thought of this as I passed a cafe with a few eating together yesterday not far from here. 

All of this again makes me so fucking appreciate to be here. To be focusing on my being. So much of it is really honing my consciousness, making my my body supple, flexible, and even powerful, and the idea is in this process, create a form that is me that can handle anything, throughout the rest of my life. It’ll be an ongoing process endlessly, of knowing myself and who I am, and the world and other people, but this existential effort... to know oneself, and hone oneself too... it’s all about being more “on point”, as I and others sometimes call it. 

This and hopefully soon more fully opening my heart to the vast array of emotions and human feelings that are possible that even now are still not really a part of my experience of life... it’s like that overused mission statement used these days, from the Y to other business and non-profits and education and medicine, somewhat cliche but based in truth so its actually valuable “for the body, mind, and spirit”. 

If body is our physical form and its external strength and flexibility as well as internal processes and wellness, and mind is cognition and emotion, identity and personal history/memory/life story, as well as thought... I think “spirit”, or maybe “soul”, is that “somethingness” that holds it all together. It’s the ethos and life-force, the sort of half consciousness, half heart, that love and truth and connection come from, both our awareness of ourselves, and that which we base our ethics, and therefore our choices, on each moment of our lives.  The reflection I’ll leave you with is this; I’m not in graduate school, and I’m not working. I have 2 jobs back home, but no career. And yet, I have a vision. I really believe now that if you strive to optimize and enhance your being, your spirit/body/mind connection of who you are, things can and likely will fall into place. To be both fully in life, and in yourself, integrated and focused and open and with intent, is to be really alive and in touch with things. From there, each conversation is valuable, each time you’re with someone it has meaning, and each breath is “life-spirit” entering your lungs and blood and running through you with all the molecules of energy and sustenance from the environment and earth itself. 

Alright, I’m really finishing now. Breath. It’s so important. Breath. Breathe. Inhale, exhale. “Life-spirit” might be a poetic term I just came up with in writing, but there is more truth to it that most realize. It is the difference between going through your days, and really living. Being. It nourishes your internal organs, and opens your body, if done right and full as often as possible. It can clear the mind and help navigate emotional states and feelings of all kind. It can return us to center. 

It is the only link between the mind and body that is both voluntarily, and involuntarily controlled. It is the foundation of meditation practices, though you never to meditate to know its truth. If you can’t having a sitting practice or do yoga, or even if you do, make life your meditation. 

Breathe. It’s the link. When you, I, we, are with it... we’re really there. Here.

Josh Berson, alonaryk.

[sincerelybluevase]

So I’ve had some more time to think about the entire incident that happened last Thursday. I’ve decided to put my thoughts down. It is kind of long, so I’ll place it under a cut. These are my thoughts about it. I’ve tried to order them a bit, but I’m afraid they won’t read like a streamlined college essay. Feel free to skip if you are sick of this entire debate.

From a psychological POV, these were an interesting few days. I took time to observe myself, and to entangle the mix of thoughts and emotions I experienced regarding that anonymous ask that pointed out that there were similarities between my fanfics and others. We’re all works in progress, and a bit of time to contemplate what we feel and why is always good.

 First off, I’d like to make a bit of a disclaimer. I know a lot of people don’t agree with anon, and have told me so. I really appreciate the kind comments, guys, but I do feel the need to address this issue in a bit more depth, also because I can leave it behind me once I’ve done so. I do not feel like some kind of victim. The anon ask hurt my feelings (which I’ll talk about later), but it’s not as if I’m wallowing in self-pity here. I’m not like those Roman women of old, lying on the floor screaming “Eheu! Me miseram!” whilst beating my breast and tearing out my hair and raking my nails over my face. I do not intend to let this incident put me off writing. Instead, I’d like to turn this entire thing into a lesson to be learned from. What exactly I’ve learned from all of this, I’ll also discuss into more detail later on. I also don’t think that this anon was some kind of troll. In fact, I think they have a bit of a point, though the way they went about bringing it to my attention was, at best, clumsy and thoughtless.

 Well, anyway, back to the case. The first thing I felt whilst reading this anon’s ask was shock. I don’t receive a lot of asks, so when I saw I had one that morning, I was pretty excited. I expected it to be an ask on one of those ask posts, or maybe a request for a fic. It was a nasty surprise to read it. I immediately felt ashamed, and guilty, and sad. I don’t want to copy other people’s fics, and the idea that I’d done so without intending to do so was not a nice one. I think you can see this in my answer; it is pretty penitent, and I try to explain why I think it happened, just to show that there was no malicious intent.

I also deleted my Bold Girl (Sometimes) fanfic from ff.net and AO3, because I felt that those works were probably most ‘affected’ by this issue, and I didn’t want people to read them if they were too influenced by other writers. Now, in hindsight, I regret deleting them (they’re still on Tumblr, though). It was a too hasty decision; firstly, because it may have implied that I felt there was a lot of truth to these accusations (which, again in hindsight, I don’t think is the case, though I’m not saying that there’s absolutely no truth to what this anon was trying to point out) and secondly because I was actually pretty proud of those fics (they were my first foray into smut territory, and I think I did get the characterization right+ made some good points about the Turnadette relationship).

 Anyway, that ask gave me a shitty day and a shitty night. It made me question my talent as a writer, and my integrity. I’m not a person with a lot of self-confidence, but I did think that my writing was good, or at least had potential. I had started writing fanfic to make sure I actually wrote at all (which, due to crippling self-doubt, was something I had literally not done in years). To be told that it was hardly original was less than ideal. It made me want to stop writing for a day or so, truth be told. This incident also made me realise that I had been rather naïve. When we put art online, whether it is music, or a drawing, or a piece of writing, we inevitably put a little bit of ourselves on display, perhaps without meaning to. Therefore, when those pieces get criticized, it may feel personal. I always need a little time to put emotions to the background when someone criticizes my work, because I have to realise these people are not criticizing me as a person, and probably not even my talent as a writer; they’re simply pointing out flaws in a piece of my work.

It is not as if I had expected to only get positive reviews on my work, but I did not think much about the alternative, either. I’ve never shared my writing with others before, and if I’d put it on the internet, it would only get two notes or something. I was not used to negative reviews, because I was not used to reviews at all. Since I am pretty sensitive, I think I could have done a better job of preparing myself for comments I might not like. After the hurt and shame came anger. I was not angry for someone bringing this issue of similarity to my attention, but I was angry about the way it was done. This ask was sent anonymous, meaning the only way I could respond was by answering it, thus placing it directly on my dashboard. I’d rather this had remained a private thing, but since I don’t even know who this person was, I could only hope they’d see my answer if I placed it on my dashboard. And I do think this was an issue I had to address, especially because it was something I hadn’t realised was happening, and I didn’t want anyone to think otherwise. This did make it an open point for discussion, though. I also feel that the language anon used to get the point across wasn’t very… well, nice. I know the space in an ask is limited, but I’d rather this person had sent me two and taken a bit more care with their wording than this. It is also true that there is no intonation, this being a written message and all. This means that my only clues of interpreting how this person meant it is by looking at their words and what they imply. Now, it is entirely possible I’m reading too much into this, but here we go.

·         I think it is somewhat ironic that anon tells me that I’ve been displaying bad fandom manners, when this ask does not show great fandom manners, either (plus it makes me suspicious of everyone and that is hardly nice, because I don’t want to distrust people and I don’t think that is what this anon meant to cause at all).

·         Aside from that: by saying ‘Did you ask if you could use their stuff?’ they are implying that the similarities are conscious. They weren’t (assuming they were isn’t very gracious, either, but that’s another matter).

·         Now we get to the thing that really bothered me. By saying they are ‘really really similar’ and ending by ‘look forward to more fic from you that’s really your own and not copied from other writers’ anon is not even implying, but directly stating that my fics were not original. I don’t think that is true, and I don’t think that I deserve that.

 So, what do I think about the point anon did try to get across?

I started rereading my own fics plus those of the writers mentioned almost feverishly to discover similarities (because gabolange and pellucid did tell me they had noticed little things, and I don’t want that. I want to be an original writer), and I do kind of see where anon is coming from.

·         As for scenes: no, I don’t really see that. Fanfic writers have a limited amount of canon they can work with. CtM fanfics often try to fill in the blanks between scenes. The ride to the adoption agency, for example, has been done by many writers. I did some of those ‘common’ scenes, too, and I don’t feel that they are inherently copied. Fanfic is also rife with tropes, as is every art form. I think tropes are a kind of common playground.   Say we take the idea that Shelagh and Patrick go on a picnic. That is a trope. It is not wrong for me to use that if, say, kienova already did so. Say she wrote one where Shelagh and Patrick brought wine and strawberries and chocolate with them, and are frolicking in some lonely field, and it ends in steamy sex where Shelagh is covered in chocolate and lets Patrick lick it off. Another writer may write one where Shelagh and Patrick plan a picnic, but the bottle of lemonade breaks and ruins their sandwiches. Then, the car breaks down, and it starts to rain, and in the end they decide to have a picnic in their own living room instead, thus giving the fic a happy ending. Both use the same trope, but their execution is very different. If Kienova wrote the first and inspired me to write the second, would that be copying? I don’t think so. Now, if I read Kienova’s fic and then wrote one where Patrick and Shelagh go and picnic on a hill and decide to have steamy sex involving Shelagh being smothered in whipped cream, that is already a lot more similar, and a whole lot more dubious. In fact, I think anon would have a fair point if they told me it was really really similar, and that I should have asked the author’s permission. But this is also why this ask bothered me so much: I DO feel that I’ve written ‘original’ things, in as far as anything can be called original. My chapter 9 of Lips Touch gave an original twist on the prompt that ‘Doctor T’s car breaks down and Sister B is very upset about it’, I’d say. I think the steamy phone conversation had not been done before, nor was the panic attack trope (credit where credit is due: these were prompts people gave me. I did not come up with the prompts myself, but the way I decided to execute those prompts in my stories was my own), and those are just two examples. I honestly think that some of the fics that are more similar to ones written by the authors mentioned still have original content to them, too.

·         As for the language: here, I can see what anon means. I have used certain phrases and images that these other writers also used. Now, here it gets a bit tricky for several reasons. First off: English is my second language. I’m not always aware of an expression not being ‘common ground’. That is not an excuse, but it is a reason for some of the similarities that were not simply two people using a common expression. Second off: I think writers are a bit like magpies; we see something we like, and we take it with us for later use. I don’t always remember where that pretty line came from, or that unusual verb in combination with that noun. Hell, I often don’t even know if it is something I came up with myself, or something I once read. I do know, for example, that Kienova often talks about ‘breath ghosting’. I found that such a great image that I’ve since ‘adopted’ it. I’m using it in my original work a lot too, but you guys don’t get to read that. Is it then wrong for me to also use it in my Turnadette fanfics? I honestly don’t have an answer to that question.

Part of the problem for me is that I read. A LOT. I’ve read 200+ books last year, just to give you an idea. When you read so much, it becomes really hard to keep track of where you got those pretty sentences from (if you even got them from somewhere else, because it is also possible that you came up with something yourself). Thirdly: I think it is a bit hard to say when language becomes copied. Is there such a thing as copyright on language? Obviously you are not supposed to copy entire paragraphs, but what happens if it is only part of a sentence? I think that is a very difficult topic, and a blurry line to draw.

 Well, what did I learn from all of this?

·         I’m not going to stop writing, guys. I’ve had far too much fun with fanfic, and I still think it is a great way of developing yourself. As you guys might have seen, I’ve also participated in the 5 sentence challenge, and that was great fun.

·         I was mainly hurt by the ask because, the way I read it, it did imply that I consciously copied (and that, in turn, seems to apply malicious intent, or a lack of being able to write). That is not the case. There are many reasons for why this ‘copying’ happened (because anon is not just bulshitting). I just wrote too fast and too much in my enthusiasm.

·         That being said: I do still feel bad about those similarities. Not to sound arrogant, but I think I’m a good enough writer to be able to write good fics without those. So, I’ll do my best to make sure it won’t happen again. This is going to be hard (because I didn’t know it was happening, for one), but I will try my best.If people have possible ideas on how to achieve this, please let me know.

·         I have a very good memory for things I’ve read, apparently. This means I have to take extra care when revising my work to make sure I either generalise things a bit more or use imagery that is my own (as far as I know), thus erasing the influence of other writers.

·         Slow down. It is alright to take a long time to write a fic.

·         I don’t have to accept every prompt I get. I know that sounds silly, but I’m a pleaser. I loved getting asks, because it showed me that people enjoyed what I’d written so much that they were actually interested in seeing how I handled a certain idea. However, if one person has just written a fic with that same prompt, it may be best to either turn that prompt down, or wait a good while before using it to make sure there are no lingering influences from that other piece of work.

·         Also, I think it is a good idea to link to other people’s fics. Say I actually wrote the one about the picnic after reading a fic by Kienova, it is only fair to say where I got my inspiration from. It is also good for the reader, because I’m giving them the link to a piece of writing they might also enjoy and may not have read yet. It’s not as if I’ve never done this before, but promoting other people’s work more is always a great idea.

 I do not intend to stop writing. In fact, I think I’ll be back with a new piece fairly soon (after letting it breathe for long enough, of course).

I also don’t want people to feel as if they cannot offer criticism on my work. The only way I can grow as a writer is by getting criticism. However, and I don’t think I am asking something unreasonable here, I would like that criticism to be constructive. Is there a spelling or grammar error? Tell me! Am I using imagery that is plain unfortunate, and of which I’m probably not aware? Tell me! Or is that image something other writers have used before? Tell me; I’m not against people pointing out similarities to me, I’m really not. Do you think this is not the way this character would respond? Again, tell me; we might get into a very interesting and satisfying discussion. So, don’t hesitate to offer valid criticism, but please don’t do it like this anon did.

[tangledfan]

5H love + CC love

Be warned this is lengthy, messy and not planned to be said at all.. more of a quick rant in the AM.

Some of y'all can be so nasty.. I haven’t been in a fandom this problematic, ever. I’ve been in fandoms obsessed with money and we know the kind of ugly money brings out in some people.. BUT THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE.. it’s so sad to see such hateful comments on a daily level. 5h’s biggest critics seem to be it’s incredibly problematic and divided as hell fandom, to a certain degree.. I get it, you’ve had a hard year, your favourite group has had its problems internally but that’s for them to sort out.. not you guys. You guys don’t help the awkward situation when you put them against each other, none of us know what 100% happened.. we shouldn’t be the ones to judge their characters as individuals, what does thinking negatively about any of them do? Ruins their image. Something all of them worked real hard to have. Y'all are so quick to attack at one false move that may of happened years ago.. guess what? People change and grow up. Do you honestly want to tell me you’ve never said or done anything mean? Even to the smallest degree? WE ALL DO BAD THINGS OR HAVE DONE AT SOME POINT DURING OUR TIME ON EARTH. Most of us don’t know them personally. These girls love their fans and (FYI) I’m not speaking about all of you because some of you are amazingly loyal and so kind hearted and don’t have a bad word to say about anybody. However there is also a large portion of you guys that think it’s OK and funny to attack the girls or other fans. Who told you that shit was ok? It doesn’t make you look good, it doesn’t make the kind fans look good and it absolutely doesn’t make the girls look good. I’m sorry that I’m saying this.. I don’t want to offend but honestly you should clearly know from the age of at least 6 that telling someone they’re fat or telling them to die is unkind and unnecessary. It’s hurtful and damaging and can stay with someone for the rest of their life. PLEASE STOP HATING ON EACH OTHER. None of the girls would want it. You’re a fan of only Camila? Then fine stick to her and don’t comment on the other girls things with the intentions of being mean. You’re only a fan of 5H? Then fine stick to the girls and leave Camila alone. You’re a fan of both 5H and Camila? AWESOME, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t love both because you can. The moment you assume someone’s character negatively based off the little information you have, which btw can be false, is the moment you start to build a fabricated picture of someone they are more than likely not. Always assume someone’s character is kind and good until proven otherwise by you witnessing it for your own eyes, stop listening to rumours, stop listening to the ones spitting HATE everywhere, stop assuming that just because the media is trying to make it look like they all hate each other that it’s actually true. Most of you don’t even see 90% of their lives, maybe there is a little bad blood there, maybe there isn’t but regardless I know what this industry is like. I studied it (and partly worked in it, not for long because I hated it so much lol) for enough years to know, I have friends involved in the entertainment industry who have been done dirty plenty of times- that goes for employer, media, you’re inner circle.. the list is freaking endless. Don’t just assume what you see is the full truth because behind the curtains comes careful planning and strategies. You have to have somewhat of a business mindset in this industry and someone always ends up getting hurt because feelings don’t matter when money is the largest factor. These girls have to go through gown fittings and make up and hair and when you get interviewed.. most of the time questions get pre-approved. Most of what you see on camera isn’t 100% honest. Do you really think these girls are happy all the time? Of course not they have feelings and emotions just like every other human being. Imagine having to do events or smile for cameras when you are feeling self conscious or sad? It’s the last thing you want to do yet they do it. Being an artist or an entertain is heavy and hard work. Show more respect for all of them Camila and 5H regardless of what their situation is. Enough of this whole “well this persons from their inner circle” or “it was leaked from their account and I have a photo or a video of a photo to prove it so it must be true” think again, do you know how easy it is to photoshop a picture or even make fake Instagram videos? People will constantly try to manipulate you even by spreading false facts and information to get them to agree with you, remember that, just be careful what you believe. If you didn’t see it for your own eyes in person or in a very clear and not at all edited video that is liable and from a trusted friend.. you shouldn’t base your opinions around it because you haven’t got facts, what you have got instead is more than likely a fake screenshot/edited video and a false assumption being created in your head. You’re allowed to have an opinion of course, just don’t cause damage to someone else’s image because you don’t like a certain act/acts. Y'all ever gotten into an argument with someone and they had twisted your words? That’s what it is like doing an interview. Everything is twisted and manipulated to look good, bad.. whatever fits the given situation better. Being in the entertainment industry is hard, it’s hard enough trying to figure out who to trust.. they don’t need to be weary of their fans too (again not the whole portion just the bad eggs that want to make it unenjoyable),The only person you should be telling to get off their high horse is Trump. There is a man who has shown poor character time and time again.

Sorry for the kind souls that had to read this. A part of me feels like I shouldn’t post it since I don’t want to offend or hurt anyone’s feelings.. I know you guys can think for yourselves and form your own opinions but it’s just a reminder that you shouldn’t believe everything that’s put right in front of you and that sometimes you should expect the unexpected. That’s coming from the biggest optimist ever but I’m saying this as someone who was really hurt in the past over the industry I choose to study and become involved in for a period of time.. being in this fan base has just brought up some past disappointment I had felt. The entertainment industry is far from perfect. I’ve cried and become depressed over it before haha. There is so much that goes on backstage even between stagehands. A band does not just involve the people you see.. there is a large circle of people who input not just the music but the situations you see. Just stop sending hate to one another. Please. It actually hurts my soul seeing such negativity all the time. I wrote this while trying to clean at 12AM and have not read over it so please don’t try and twist my words or point out my grammar mistakes. I’m tired and just want to give a reminder that negative criticism does not help. We do not benefit from HATE. Guess by not checking what I said I’m just saying what I felt in the moment so don’t mind me.

For the 99.9% of you who are completely innocent and enjoy the music and ignore all the horrid stuff that goes on in the music industry, I’m really sorry for bringing it up, please keep being unproblematic, I live for your loyalty and integrity. Stay kind and most of all respectful💚

[phaylenfairchild]

The Ongoing Problem With Trans Representation in Media

The Crying Game

In 1992, as a budding Transgirl who hadn’t yet heard the word “Transgender” nor knew anything about gender or sexuality, I watched an film by Neil Jordan called “The Crying Game.” It was dubbed “The Most Shocking Film Of The Year” by entertainment magazines. At the time, I had an insatiable longing for people I could relate to on film, and often had to substitute women as figures of my future intent; I wanted Richard Gere to sweep me away like he had Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I wants to slither around like Catwoman, with that brilliant confidence that was the perfect mix of bad ass girl power and unapologetic confidence. She was my revenge idol. I wanted to flip-flop, cartwheel and yoga pose into school and kick the shit out of my bullies while making them all love me at the same time.

But the Character of Dil in “The Crying Game” was most accurate to who I knew I was becoming. This androgynous, beautiful woman captivated me. Dil was the lover of a soldier, Jody, played by the incredible Forest Whittaker, a man held prisoner by the IRA who pleads with a fellow solider and friend, Fergus, to protect Dil. She unwittingly becomes the subject of both fascination and affection of Fergus.

Through the course of the film, the two fall in love, and when it comes to the pivotal moment where the characters start becoming intimate- it takes a dark turn.

As Fergus begins to disrobe Dil in the bedroom of her bedroom, he gets on his knees, expecting to find female genitalia and instead reveals a penis.

Yes, right there. A penis. And if you saw it in the cinema, a 12 foot tall image of a penis. On a woman. Fergus twisted away in disgust and proceeds to vomit immediately. Then, he hits her.

I remember being horrified- my breathe caught in my throat- not because she had a penis, but because he acted with such sudden and unexpected repulsion over someone he was just kissing and intending to bed.

The film was marketed on the Trans “Surprise.” Studios launched campaigns for audiences not to give away the ending.

In the afterglow of The Crying Game, Transphobic rhetoric became more aggressive than ever in cinema. Who can forget Ace Ventura, played by Jim Carey, belllowing “Einhorn is a man?!” in reference to the character played by Sean Young, and then heaving into the toilet at the very notion an attractive woman might not have a vagina.

Transwomen were reduced to bawdy, comedic or grotesque twists by lazy writers in Hollywood. The go-to joke. The trend continued throughout the 90’s and well into the 2000’s. With what little Trans characters there were on screen, they were always the subject of comedy or villainy. Because, for some reason, it’s still an outrageous knee-slapper to see a sexy woman you suddenly discover has male genitalia or much easier to hate her, so they make her the freakish bad guy, such as in Sleepaway Camp, like some dangerous modern day Frankenstein who will curl their hair, twirl their penis then sit your throat.

More recently, the Trans representation in film has changed in context- with sweeping period dramas like “The Danish Girl” — which won an Oscar for the cisgender actor, Eddie Redmayne, playing the role of a Trans woman. Or, the “Dallas Buyers Club” — which won an Oscar for the cisgender actor, Jared Leto, playing the role of a Trans woman. However, the year that Redmayne won his Oscar for putting on a dress and pretending to be Trans, a film that had been far better received critically, Tangerine, which featured two actual Transwomen played by Transwomen, was snubbed, despite receiving nominations or awards by every other organization the entire awards season. The Academy demonstrated they’d rather give an award to a man tepidly playing a Transwoman, than a Transwoman giving an incredible performance.

Of course, those Transwomen were playing sex workers. I have it on good authority from my Trans identifying actress friends that it’s almost impossible to get roles for anything else. “All I get offers for are prostitutes,” one accomplished actress told me. “If we want access to work we either have to be a prostitute, a mistress, a self-hating trans person, dead or dying of AIDS, or willing to be ridiculed for comedic value. That’s where we are. In 2018.”

But, some will argue the merits of “Transparent,” The Amazon series that features a middle aged man, portrayed by Jeffery Tambor, who transitions from male to female later in life. It is the first television show to take viewers on that journey, one which details the experiences of those in the orbit of the transitioning main character, including her children and ex wife, without exploiting it as sensationalist. “Transparent” features a plethora of Trans identifying artists, both in front of the camera and behind it. While the primary stars are all cisgender performers, Alexandra Billings, Trace Lysette and the iconic Candis Cayne are all series regulars. Zackary Drucker and Our Lady J feature as producers. It appears to be our staple; our one single thing we’re allowed. Unfortunately, although heavily awarded, it’s not got very broad appeal. It’s a series by Transgender people, about Transgender people… so mainstream remains a little stand-offish. It’s “That Transgender show.”

That’s not surprising. We Trans people working in media have to pave our own way, create our own projects, self produce them, star in them. If we try to intermingle cisgender society within our works, we’re typically turned away. As a writer, I’ve had my screenplays turned down by many companies exclusively because, despite having a cisgender lead, it has a trans character. In a fantasy film I wrote which was a finalist in Outfest International’s Screenplay competition, the response I received from interested production companies wanted me to turn the Trans girl into a “traditional” girl. Every film I write has a Trans character, not just because I’m politically advocating the normalizing of Trans people in everyday society, but because I refuse to create worlds in which we do not exist simply for the comfort of mainstream audiences. “Why does she need to be Trans?” An agent once asked me.

“Why not?” I answered.

Orange is the New Black was lauded for it’s inclusion of a Trans character, played by a Transgender woman, Laverne Cox. Because gender diverse characters in media are so rare, it catapulted her well beyond the boundaries of performance into the realm of social activism. That same attention and expectation destroyed Caitlyn Jenner who was no longer just allowed to be the tabloid mainstay by proxy of the Kardashians, but now had to be our fearless leader, our ambassador to cigender tribes. There are about five Trans figures that cisgender audiences can name: Caitlyn Jenner being the most notable along with Cox on a lesser scale. Others paying attention know that the Wachowskis, directors of the successful Matrix franchise both transitioned and Jazz Jennings, the teenager with her own reality show on that channel that also shows My 600 lb Life and Sister Wives. Cis people don’t know Janet Mock, although her work is invaluable, but they heard a Transgirl took on Rose McGowan at a book signing. Our names cross their facebook feeds when the news reports our deaths. Beyond that, we’re people not allowed to use bathrooms in certain states, a word that is banned by the CDC, and reduced to that one Transgender person who did something that one time which the media loves to exploit for a headline in a fleeting story. Especially when it’s salacious. When former Playboy Playmate, Kendra Wilkinson’s basketball star husband, Hank Baskett, had an alleged affair with a woman, the media latched on like a thirsty tick to the ass-end of a fat dog because that his mistress was Transgender. Of course, despite evidence, he denied it, and the couple leveraged the scandal to maximize ratings and profits by following the controversy on their reality show. They even starred in their own one-hour special to discuss it. Similarly, the media pounced at the opportunity to reveal the alleged affair that Jennifer Lopez’s then boyfriend, Casper Smart, was having with a Transwoman he met on Instagram. Then there was the story of Michael Phelps, the olympic gold medalist who had an ongoing, but secret relationship with an intersex woman- one which he never denied, but ignored instead. In every case, the transwoman is vilified by the media, like some sexual predator; A succubus who cast a spell of seduction on innocent men. That’s when the media pays attention.

That’s problematic. The fact that mainstream society possesses more general awareness of cis actors who play Trans characters, or random Transwomen involved in scandals does nothing to improve our actual visibility, or integrate us into mainstream culture. It alienates us further onto the fringes of society.

We’re like the unicorns of media. When one of us pops up and garners any attention for something other than simply being Trans or scandalous, people react with; “Wow, you really do exist.”

Far and few are the opportunities for Trans actors and actresses, filmmakers and film writers. It’s not because there are too few of us, it’s because when Hollywood looks at us, they don’t see our potential, they see a political cause. An embattled, marginalized person. When we disclose our trans status to people, they suddenly lose sight of our face and instead see the last anti-trans headline they read splashed across out forehead- and maybe they feel sad. Maybe they feel that if they’re uncomfortable or distracted exclusively by the fact that we’re trans, moviegoers, television viewers and the greater cisgender community will be too.

Perhaps this is why we haven’t really seen a transgender performer portray a non-trans role- unless you count Candis Cayne playing a fairytale creature in The Magicians. Cayne is such a brilliant performer she could play anything. She’s stunning, she’s captivating onscreen, she’s a staggeringly talented actress…

But apparently, despite the multitude of cisgender actors playing trans in media, she isn’t allowed to play a ciswoman… just trans, and maybe a unicorn.

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