#instead of it being based off unrequited queer love

[dinitride-art]

What was an artist supposed to do but become a diver when his husband was stolen by the sea?

[unwanted-animal]

First off. Little dumpling anon. What’s cringe is you hiding your face instead of being a brainless little shit and OWNING IT.

Secondly, despite the attitude of Jensen way back in the early seasons, a canon queer ship is not homophobic. Destiel is canon. An argument could be made it maybe unrequited because of how the scene was shot, but it’s STILL canon, and STILL queer.

And after fifteen years of baiting fans, with winks and nudges in canon but always being denied by the cast, it was deserved. They deserved SOMETHING, and they got a canon love confession.

Thirdly, you pissant little polyp, you wanna come talk shit about Our Flag Means Death? You come to ME. Because while some of the characters are based on real people, that’s clearly not the fucking point of the show. Love is. Finding yourself is. Older queer canon couples in love isn’t something you get to own, especially after Good Omens is the newest one on the scene.

You don’t get to come to people starved for crumbs and shit all over the meals we’ve been handed in the last few years.

Anyway, I get that school is out but you gotta ask your guardians to put you in summer school if this is how you’re gonna act online to strangers, kiddo.

There must be something in your drinking water if you think your LITERALLY HOMOPHOBIC ship is better than Azicrow.

Neil and the crew have worked SO HARD on this and you're sitting there with NO KNOWLEDGE of what goes into it.

Honestly you should delete your blog because you're shitty little posts actually hurt the creative team behind the show. at least it's actual representation and not your, once again HOMOPHOBIC angels or your SLAVE TRADER pirates cringe ass bitch.

Be SO Fucking For Real Right Now.

[fantastic-rambles]

Hi! I see that you appreciate ADAM’s characterization, so I wanted to talk to you about my theories for how the series could end for him if that’s okay.

Obviously there’s the semi-dropped plot line around him going to jail for political reasons. Tbh I hope that they’ll just bring that up at the very end of the tournament/ep 12 so that it doesn’t have much bearing on the characters developments until then.

My best scenario, is that Reki does skate against ADAM because he’s surpassed his own fears to have fun. Like the first time where he wasn’t afraid to lose because it was more about trying.

But now that Renga has reunited, the tournament isn’t nearly as exciting for ADAM because the friend group is over his antics and Langa doesn’t particularly care about him anymore. (I totally think Reki represents the Apple in all of this biblical reference stuff. Wisdom that love and fun cannot be gained simply by being the best or being dangerous when skating. Especially since Tadashi [SNAKE] is literally bringing him into the Eden tournament)

That would leave Langa and Tadashi. I honestly think that if a fair match between them goes on without any interruptions, SNAKE can win. Then with the final matchup between Tadashi and Ainosuke, it can go 2 ways.

1. Tadashi tries to take ADAM down. He fails or succeeds solely on technique. Either way probably ends in a dramatic end to S.

2. Tadashi also recognizes the value of love and fun that he has rejected/suppressed all these years. He is able to better understand the root of ADAM’s searching for an Eve (filling Tadashi’s void) and why Ainosuke is so hurt by him/angry at him (Tadashi pulling away from their relationship). Reki planted the seed in the love hotel, and if Tadashi accepts it, his participation becomes more about embracing love that was squashed years ago when he prioritized Ainosuke’s image over their relationship. Tadashi sees his value outside of his class standing as a person and companion. He stands up for Ainosuke instead of against him, and they can skate/move forward together.

I think that the 2nd option is far more interesting and gratifying. Especially since it’s more likely to lead to ADAM recognizing the flaws in his way and turning towards redemption/help by the end of the season. It would also be a really good ending to their arcs together since I really think that they’ve been set up as a queer allegory. I’ve read super interesting analyses on Twitter that show their character choices as being two different ways of coping with being closeted. Ainosuke lusting dangerously after those he doesn’t really care about and acting out violently against those who love him. Distracting himself the feelings he is not allowed to deal with in daylight. And Tadashi repressing his feeelings for the sake of the man most important to him. To have a hopeful/positive conclusion to their struggles as a central plot line would be nice.

Also don’t feel pressured to answer this. I’m just obsessed with their stories and a sucker for first loves + requited mutual unrequited pining lol

Heyyyy fellow non-Adam-hater!

I do think that Reki will end up skating against Adam (though I currently can’t imagine why he would possibly agree to do so--the best guess I have is Tadashi asking him to based on the argument of “skating should be fun” and that Adam isn’t having fun), getting fucked with since Adam wants to prove to Langa that he’s better than Reki (because Adam doesn’t understand that “love” doesn’t work that way, since his “love” is all about finding someone who can skate on his level), and losing, but without getting depressed (and possibly injured) like before.

I know there’s a huge fandom wish that Tadashi will train Reki and Reki will beat Adam, but... if the producers are going to be somewhat “realistic,” that’s not going to happen. It’s been firmly established that Reki isn’t on the level of the top skaters (both his own realization and his talk with his manager), and a sudden crash course in a day or two isn’t going to change that.

But I do think that Adam will still have fun during the tournament since he’s wildly delusional and thinks that he can win Langa’s “love,” and for the longest time, it did appear that way (“love” in terms of thinking of it as looking for/finding a skating equal, not “love” as in love), with how eager/excited Langa was to skate against him, to the extent that it even fractured his relationship with Reki (though I blame Reki more for that).

I feel like the Langa/Tadashi match is more of a tossup. I’d like Tadashi to win, but I believe that Langa will (unless he gets outraged by Reki’s treatment and forfeits/abandons the race--tasting the forbidden fruit and leaving Eden). If it was a straight skating race, then, yeah, Tadashi would win, but I think that Langa’s spontaneous improvisations will turn it in his favor even though he lacks Tadashi’s level of skill. I mean, he can cut across half the course by going off the cliff at high speed, so..... *laughs*

If it did come down to Adam/Tadashi, though, I feel like Adam wouldn’t be motivated, just like when he was racing Cherry. He wouldn’t do rough play or hit Tadashi in the face with his skateboard because they wouldn’t work on Tadashi, and he would be trying to win since winning races is how he proves that he loves skating more than anyone else (and also because if he loses, he has to quit skating). But I don’t think he’d enjoy it. I would love for them to have a reconciliation and for Tadashi to become Adam’s “Eve,” but I feel like that bridge has been well and truly burnt by years of misunderstandings/resentment (resentment from Adam to Tadashi, but not the other way around). I don’t see how a realistic full reconciliation can be made in one episode (though the groundwork for a reconciliation could possibly be laid). :(

The queer allegory is really interesting and definitely fits. Especially since Adam has been raised to always consider his appearance and how it’ll affect his family, and physically abused when he doesn’t meet expectations. And then he also admits that the only time he’s free is when he’s skating, which is when he’s openly proclaiming his love for just about everyone, lol.

Though if Reki is the apple/forbidden fruit (which I do agree), I think that means that Reki is the one who’s going to spark a change in Adam, not Tadashi. By not giving up and still having fun even when he’s losing or being thrown around by a violent psychopath, it could remind Adam of when he was younger, when he was skating with Tadashi and just having fun (or possibly serve as a parallel to when he got his board burned). If it does turn out that way, then I can see a path for Tadashi being his final opponent to bring both of them back to that time. Though I still feel like the final race will end up being Adam/Langa since that’s what the show has been driving towards ever since their first race was interrupted.

Adam’s arrest will definitely come at the end of the show, though. I don’t see the producers leaving the main plot line without a conclusion before they tie up the subplot which has basically only appeared once, lol.

So yeah, I absolutely realize I’m being self-contradictory in this post, but that’s why I’m fantastic-rambles. I just spew whatever bs and random thoughts come to my mind. xD

[kaypeace21]

why is there so much denial of Will being gay?? Like, nothing Will has done has shown him to be anytging but possibly gay. Like, nobody thinks he'z gay because he's a nerd that doesn't have a girlfriend!! We think he's gay because of all the fucking subtext!!!!

There are a few reasons for this, and they’re all (for the most part) rooted in homophobia. 1) There are those who (may or may not) notice the subtext, but ignore it with the excuse of “he’s too young; stop sexualizing him!”. All while shipping lumax, and mileven. Whether they want to admit it or not, this is homophobic! They view (subconscious or otherwise) being queer as inherently sexual, dirty, and adult. And that only straight relationships can be pure and innocent and based on compatible personalities. Straight kids can have innocent crushes (but in their eyes) queer kids can’t- they may not even exist, to them. 

 2) There are some mileven shippers (who whether they want to admit it) hate Will, because the possibility he has powers or is gay- threatens their precious het ship. Because a lot of them don’t see El as her own person (just a part of their ship) or a vessel for being a badass with powers. They don’t appreciate her for the nuanced character she is.  They either get angry at the idea of Will being gay or having powers, or are only happy with him being queer if he’s sad and in an unrequited one-sided love/ or is single forever. Or they’ll say “why don’t you just ship him with someone else… like Dustin?” Ignoring the fact Dustin hasn’t been queer coded like Mike (or had romantically coded scenes with Will), or that people ship byler for Will and Mike, not cause it’s simply m/m. I mean, can you imagine byler shippers saying ‘Just ship El with Dustin, it’s a guy and girl… it’s practically the same thing”? No, of course not! It shows their bias- and how they feel privileged and entitled to their straight ship even though there are millions of similar ships in media to choose from- unlike queer ships which are far and few in between. However, we’re supposed to be the ones who pick another option- and are told our ships are ‘all the same’. Whether they are aware of this bias, they consider queer ships a joke, and all the same.

3) Those who relate to Will and his struggles,  hate the idea of relating to a queer character. There is a reason why shows like ‘Will &Grace’ in the 90s were popular, but even today the second a character who people assumed was straight is revealed as lgbt+ viewers get angry! It’s because they feel ‘tricked’ into liking, relating and empathizing with a character that they would otherwise have immediately put in a ‘box’ and  distanced themselves from . Whether they are aware of it or not, they would immediately attribute stereotypes to them and never try to empathize with them, because ‘they’re gay, and ‘how can I relate to that’? They don’t want to relate to them (because subconscious or otherwise) they think being gay is bad or just too foreign.They don’t see queer people as full-fledged people. They’re just gay- nothing more.

Which is why when they angrily say “he’s just afraid to grow up, HE’S NOT GAY!”  They are essentially saying a gay, abused kid, who has ptsd, and was violated by the MF (and was also hinted m**ested by Lonnie too) can’t be afraid to grow up, since he lost his childhood. Only straight people have these type of human-fears and characterizations!

Forget the fact, that Will also wouldn’t want to grow up- because than he’d have to acknowledge his sexuality (at a time where all you heard about gay men was they were evil , mentally ill, going to hell and dying of aids as a punishment by god). Not to mention Will’s ptsd and the fact he lost 2 years of his childhood on top of that.He even says “I’m not … going to fall in love” (not convincingly) , right after the movie date with Mike.

4) They’re so used to straight media, and everyone being presumed straight and having media catered to them (the straight audience)- That they’ll ignore or miss every hint there is a queer character. 

So what are the hints of Will being gay (or at least- some other lgbt identity.

Called many homophobic slurs  since s1 ( specifically ”queer, fag, fairy, and gay”) by his dad and bullies. Jonathan in s1 tells Will to “not like things just because people tell you you’re supposed to, especially not him” ( ‘him’ referring to their dad). Is positioned behind a rainbow apple poster in the av room (ref. to Alan Turning the gay creator of computers), dances with a girl with a rainbow hair-clip, has rainbow bandaids, has his mom says she’s ”so proud” (lgbt+ pride ref) of the rainbow ship he drew . When Will disparages himself as a “freak”, Jonathan asks Will, who would you rather be friends with-  David Bowie (who was openly bi since the 70s) or Kenny Rogers? Will says Bowie, and Jonathan agrees saying “see, it’s no contest”. In the pitch to netflix the Duffers described Will as having “sexual identity issues”. In the leaked s2 snowball script it says “he’s not looking at the cute girl- but Mike.”

All of s2 directly paralleled ‘romantic s1 mileven scenes’ to ‘supposedly platonic byler scenes’. No joke, they had identical scenes, with almost identical framing and dialogue, but it’s all dismissed as friendship (even though the scenes are identical).Byler was also  paralleled to Jancy, Stancy, Jopper, bob/joyce and others. . You can headcannon Will as whatever you want, but like it or not- Will is queer and m/m! We could debate his exact queer sexual identity , but Will was never written and will never be written to be ‘straight’! Stay mad!

If Will was Wilma, the majority of the fandom would be byler shippers. Think about it! Mike having byler scenes that are identical to s1 mileven scenes, and then additional unique byler scenes. Mike staying by Wilma’s side 24 hours a day for several days (not even changing clothes), carrying her out of the hospital, grabbing her hand (with a zoom in shot),constantly asking her if she’s okay at least 5-7 times, putting his arm around her twice, being the only one who could tell something was off with her (and it wasn’t her normal type of quiet). Calling and running all the way to her house and banging on the door to check on her, desperate. Proclaiming “i’m the only one who cares about Wilma!” Watching her sleep cause he’s so worried, that shed scene reminiscing about how they first met in perfect detail, saying “I asked, I asked if you wanted to be my friend. You said yes, you said yes. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. (like a marriage proposal)”  The “crazy together” scene. Them being close since they were 5 vs the girl he knew for a week (but is somehow in love with?). If the witness said about El in s1 , “ same height… it could be the Byers girl”, instead of ‘boy’ (pointing out the resemblance). Mike getting into fights and getting upset (almost crying) about the bullies insulting Wilma. Mike having a whole binder of her drawings and caressing one of the drawings, after he thinks she died.  Being the only one of her friends to stay awake at the hospital, waiting for her to wake up- so he can see her and hug her first. Almost everyone would be team byler if Will was a girl- they probably would of started shipping it the second Wilma stared at him and was the only one who didn’t lie to him, in the first ep! Another parallel to El! 

And again think about s3 if Will was a girl.They paralleled the (comedic) mileven breakup vs (the sad/serious) byler breakup. Then Mike just complained and burped on the couch vs apologizing to Willma multiple times/even going into a storm to apologize a 2nd time (and to ‘talk’). Willma having a breakdown over the fight vs El laughing and high five-ing Max after.The shed vs the pool shed scene- “best thing I’ve ever done” vs “you’re the most important thing in the world to me”, “blank makes you crazy’ (as El stares confused) vs “crazy together’ (where Wilma says ‘yeah, crazy together). Mike going on ‘movie dates with Willma all the time’ right after making out with El. The last mileven kiss where Mike has his eyes open the whole time, doesn’t kiss back, and says he doesn’t remember saying “I love her” to El (and doesn’t say ‘I love you’ back). Right after having a talk with Wilma about playing games when she comes back (the crux of their fight). Mike getting excited that he’ll be able to visit El and Wilma on Thanksgiving and them visiting him on Christmas (those are holidays where family usually introduces their S.O.) Having the last scene of Mike,  be him looking back at Wilma’s house, and have that whole monologue in that scene be about “feelings changing”, and then he goes to hug his mom like the s1 byler scene where he thought Wilma was dead. And that’s not even all the scenes- and every time byler won by a landslide. If Will was a girl, it would be obvious writing on the wall, that Mike would eventually choose Wilma over El by the end of the series.

But since they are 2 boys, we’re delusional, because queer kids don’t exist … apparently.

[danijadegordon]

Top 10 (L)GBTQ Shows & Movies To Stop The Pining.

As someone who has been consuming as much LGBTQ media as I can, I feel I need to do something productive with the hours I have poured into this. Most of these are able to be streamed on Hulu, because as I’ve learned, Hulu is home to some of the best queer media. A fair warning, most of these are sapphic or mainly sapphic. Without further ado, here is my top ten favorite LGBTQ Films and TV Shows.

10. The L Word (stream on Netflix)

    I am pretty sure that no queer women under the age of 35 actually enjoys this show. However, I do think that every woman who likes women should watch this. The cheesy plotmlines and messy characters make the show interesting to watch even if other parts (*cough* Jenny *cough*) make it unbearable. Anyway despite its flaws and slightly biphobic undertones, I think at least a few episodes need to be watched.

9. The First Girl I Loved (stream on Hulu)

    Honestly this is just like a good chick flick but make it gay. High school unrequited love, dramatic kisses, it's pretty good, clearly not that memorable.

8. The Fosters (and Good Trouble) (stream on Hulu)

    Honestly, this show did so much for Gen Z queer people, or at least myself. The diverse main cast, interesting storylines, and head on approach to sexuality and gender, this show helped me learn about the LGBTQ community before I actively sought it out. As in, this show was some of the first representation on TV that I really saw. Steph and Lena showed a side of marriage that I hadn’t seen. Instead of just beautiful wedding photos I saw that love can be hard and messy and still be worthwhile.

    The subsequent spin-off show (Good Trouble), continues to showcase diverse people and (dramatized) real life situations. It feels like the show that first showed me that it was okay to be different, has grown with me as the show is life as a young adult. This show makes me feel like I am in middle school again in the best way, chock full of nostalgia.

7. Marvel’s Runaways (stream on Hulu)

    I am not a huge marvel fan, (*gasp* I said it!), it just feels like men showing off and creating chaos to fight chaos. I much prefer softer shows that make me laugh and have a large female presence (and it took me 19 years to realize I liked women....). But, twitter broke me down on this one and I am pretty obsessed. 

    The plot is exciting and fast paced, and it’s refreshing to see everyday concerns of young adults/ teens weaved in between the action. Each character has unique features and negative and positive traits and the cast is DIVERSE. The relationships between the characters are also complex and the slow build sapphic romance between two of the main characters is everything you could ever dream of.

6. Buffy The Vampire Slayer (stream on Hulu)

    I learned the other day that Dolly Parton produced this show, which for some reason makes perfect sense to me. Of course the show that I spent my formative years watching would be produced by a legend such as Dolly Parton. 

    I am not totally sure this counts as LGBT media but One Day at a Time (stream on Netflix because it’s good just not on my list) references it as something young lesbian (and bi) women do and I did so here it is. 

    I can pretty much sum up why I love this show in 3 words, Sarah Michelle Geller. I thought she was the coolest person ever, and wanted to be her so bad. Watching her kill the creepy vampires, just iconic. And in later seasons when Willow dates a witch, amazing, just *chefs kiss*. I was obsessed when I saw this show for the first time and I wish I could re-watch it for the first time. 

5. Vita and Virginia (stream on Hulu)

    Historical women being gay is one of the most validating things, and furthermore some of the most beautiful love stories. Vita and Virginia is based on letters sent between the two women (Author Virginia Wolff and Vita Sackville-West), and shows a high stakes and emotional relationship between the two. The 20s fashion and culture paired with the universal queer feeling of pining, this movie was everything. 

    It is also important to note that Vita is a tiny top and Virginia is a beautiful soft giantess bottom (she’s like 6ft or something crazy), and I think that is enough reason to watch this movie in itself

4. The Girl King (stream on Hulu)

    Based on Christina of Sweden, who ruled over Sweden for 10 years before marrying the Pope and becoming the Virgin Queen Of Rome, is breathtaking. The juxtaposition of Christina harsh exterior to the world and her court, and the softness she shows her lady in waiting is captivating. This movie gave me the strong female leader that doesn’t get shown nearly enough in today’s media. This movie made me laugh, cry, and hold my breath in anticipation. It is beautiful and makes me proud to be a queer women.

3. Little Fires Everywhere (stream on Hulu)

    This 8 part series based on the NY Times best seller written by Celeste Ng, is dramatic and poignant. It forces you to think critically about moral areas that we like to think we have the right answer to, and it makes me rethink your own privilege. 

    The dance around the subject of sexuality and romance, and motherhood throughout every aspect of the film is enchanting. What is a perfect life, what is a perfect mother, and how do you move on and grow from mistakes. This show is beautiful and regardless of gender or sexuality this series is worth the watch.

2. Motherland: Fort Salem (stream on Hulu)

    There is no match quite like that of lesbians and witchcraft, and this show does both brilliantly. This show is female dominated and exciting. The characters are interesting and all have different things that motivate them. The history behind the world the show lives in is deep and fleshed out. It’s the fantasy TV show that I have been waiting for my whole life without knowing.

    With a strong queer women as the main character, who has a complex and passionate love story with ANOTHER strong queer women, this show is just amazing. Unlike male dominated media (production included) this show gives viewers the tender and tension filled moments that aren't given to sapphic love stories usually. It doesn’t feel overly sexual (looking at you Blue is the Warmest Color) but it’s not just friendship under a different label. 

    It releases new episodes every Wednesday so, get caught up because this show is worth it!

Portrait of a Lady On Fire (stream on Hulu)

    I never understood why french was a romantic language, until I watched this movie. The score is beautiful and the slow burn romance between the two main characters is captivating. I don’t know what more to say, painters and ladies just go together it seems and this movie proves that. It’s a bit long but it doesn’t feel like that long of a movie.

[dewitty1]

Chapters: 8/8 Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Explicit Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley/Blaise Zabini Characters: Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Blaise Zabini, Ginny Weasley, Charlie Weasley, Padma Patil, James Sirius Potter, Albus Severus Potter, Lily Luna Potter, Scorpius Malfoy, Narcissa Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson Additional Tags: Harry Potter Epilogue Compliant, Blended family, Acquaintances to Friends to Lovers, Pansexual Harry Potter, Gay Draco Malfoy, Smut, Frottage, Anal Sex, Harry-centric, POC Harry Potter, Slow Burn, Past Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Past Astoria Greengrass/Draco Malfoy, Still Married, Marriage of Convenience, Relationship of Convenience, Unconventional Families, Alcohol Consumption by Adults, brief Harry/OMC - Freeform, Brief Draco/OMC, Consensual Aphrodisiac Use, Brief Scene of Racism/Racist Language, coming to terms with sexuality, Healthy Relationships, Hermione Granger & Draco Malfoy Friendship, Harry Potter & Blaise Zabini Friendship, Harry/Draco Big Bang 2018, Occasional Law/Politics Discussion, Community: harrydracobang, Hand Jobs Summary:

Harry’s happy with his life twenty-two years later. He has his job as the Head of the DMLE (albeit with a bit too much bureaucratic nonsense for his tastes), his not-really wife (and her incorrigibly charming shit of a boyfriend), and his three children (plus Scorpius Malfoy, who’s somehow become the fourth child in their brood). The only thing that’s missing is a partner, though not for a lack of trying on his part. However, the assignment of one case to Barrister Draco Malfoy – a polite and cordial acquaintance on the peripheral of Harry’s life – leads to a deep friendship and the slow realisation that the partner he’s been waiting his whole life for has been standing right in front of him all along.

Excerpt:

Draco eyes him, the grey orbs narrowed in curiosity and wariness, so Harry simply goes for it with his usual aplomb: “My children adore you.”  Draco’s eyes widen slightly, the wariness all but disappearing at the clearly unexpected start, but Harry just evenly continues, “James and Lily both have always appreciated cleverness and adventure, so they’re quite fond of you.  Plus you’re the only one besides Gin that’ll braid Lily’s hair, so that tickles her to death.  As for Albus, well, it’s obvious that he skips right past adoring you into love – he thinks of you as a second father, honestly, and I can see why.  You’re brilliant with him, indulging him when he needs to be indulged, complimenting him when he needs to be complimented, and nipping any rule breaking or other issues in the bud before they can get him into trouble or send him down the wrong path.”

Harry sighs, taking a conservative sip of his wine and letting the subtle hint of honey roll across his tongue, before he continues, “And then there’s everyone else.  Gin is more than friendly with you, and Blaise is your best friend.  You’ve been attached at the hip to Hermione since you both went to your law academy together twenty years ago.  Ron even gets on with you in his own way, which I would’ve never imagined back in school.  In fact, the Weasley family as a whole haven’t a problem with you, though I’m sure you’ll never be as chummy with them as you are with me and Gin and Hermione.”

Harry takes a deep breath, trying to get this all out despite wanting to address the realisation that he can see blooming in Draco’s eyes, and says, “You’re one of my best friends.  Everything about you just fits.  You understand me on a fundamental level, and while we chafe each other in a lot of ways, and we bitch back and forth in a way that most people wouldn’t find healthy, you’re like the missing piece.”  Harry lets his lips quirk in a smile, almost shy, and adds, “Doesn’t hurt that you’re incredibly fit.  Always have been really, though I didn’t allow myself to acknowledge it until I was nineteen, for obvious reasons.”

Harry fiddles with the stem of his glass and says, “So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I quite fancy you, and I’d like to take you to dinner if you’ll have me.  Not tonight, obviously, as I’m still rather stuffed, but...well, soon.”

At the end of his spiel, he just watches Draco process.  He’s still sitting with that same impeccable posture, one hand holding the untouched glass of wine while the other is lightly resting against the armrest.  Most anyone else would see only the impassive, almost calm countenance of the posh Malfoy patriarch, but Harry’s too close to him now to miss the little flickers of emotion that show in his eyes and expressions.  It’s rather hard to pin down any of them, so Harry simply holds his breath, waiting for the final verdict.  It’s really up to Draco here, obviously, and even though Hermione is under the impression that Harry hasn’t a thing to worry about, he’s still inevitably nervous.

After all, he’s seen a lot of friendships break apart due to unrequited feelings, and he does not want that to happen between him and Draco.  Until (if) Draco accepts his invitation, he’ll be a bundle of nerves regardless of Hermione’s words, because even despite the relatively short period of time they’ve been friends (in contrast to the long history of bitter rivals and then polite cordialness) he still doesn’t want to lose this friendship.

To Harry’s surprise – with a small sprinkling of horror for garnish, if he’s honest – Draco rather suddenly stands up, placing his wine on the side table untouched and an unfamiliar expression on his features.  Harry stares up at him, wondering if he’s ruined positively everything because Harry can’t place the emotion on his face, but then Draco says in a remarkably smooth tone, “Bed first; dinner later.”

Harry’s heart thuds heavily in his chest, mouth falling open in a likely unflattering show of shock because what in the hell, and he feels like time has stopped.  After a long moment of just gaping at Draco, who’s looking remarkably confident but has a surprising amount of nervousness in those eyes of his, Harry asks, “Are you sure?”

Draco rolls his eyes with a huff, the tips of his ears pink, and snarks back, “Obviously, you idiot.  I wouldn’t have said it otherwise.”

Well.  Okay then.

Harry stands up himself, placing his own wine glass on the coffee table, and then advances on Draco, heart pounding and his breathing already a tad choppy.  He can feel his hands shaking but it doesn’t stop him from reaching up, cupping Draco’s face and brushing his thumbs along the sharp juts of his cheekbones, eyes flicking back and forth between Draco’s eyes for any hint of unease or wariness.  He only sees anticipation and amusement though, and Harry’s heart flutters with affection.

“Anything you’re not comfortable with?” he asks quietly, needing to get that out of the way before anything happens.  Draco hasn’t talked about that one bloke he took home (Harry can’t remember his name off the top of his head) back in March, and as far as Harry’s aware, Draco’s been celibate since then, so he’s not sure what Draco’s comfortable with.  After all, Draco’s whole realisation of his queerness is fairly new, and Harry will be damned if he oversteps based off his more considerable experience.

“I’ll tell you,” Draco murmurs, hands reaching up to touch Harry’s wrists, the softness of it contrasting to the intensity of his eyes, the deep pool of his anticipation.  His pupils are dilated, half from the rapidly fading light coming through the windows and half from the beginnings of arousal that Harry can see on his face, and he can feel Draco’s breath against his nose.

Harry smiles, nods once, and then slowly tilts his head up, letting his mouth brush against Draco’s own.  It’s a bare touch, just testing the waters a bit to see if this is okay, but Draco lets out a long, lingering exhale through his nose, hands tightening against Harry’s wrists as he steps close enough for their bodies to press flush against each other, and Harry figures that Draco’s totally fine with this, at least.

Harry lets his hands wander to the back of Draco’s hair, digging his fingers into the soft, short blond hair at the back of his scalp as he kisses him with a bit more pressure.  Draco lets go of Harry’s wrists, opting instead to place his palms on Harry’s chest as if he’s feeling his chest move or his heart beat, and responds in kind.  It’s a quiet moment, both of them just exploring this new thing between them as if they’ve got plenty of time to discover each other – which, Harry figures, isn’t too far from the truth.  He quite likes this, just simple, rather tame snogging in the middle of his cosy, familiar Camden flat, full of mutual hope and excitement for the future.  It isn’t like Harry’s not aroused by it, of course, but it’s fair to say that while his blood feels heated and his skin is covered in gooseflesh, he’s not really...well, out of his mind with it.

That is, until they open their mouths in simultaneous cohesion, and their tongues touch.

The only warning Harry gets is a sharp inhale and the delicious bite of short, groomed fingernails digging through the thin fabric of his shirt before Draco surges forward, like the dam’s broken and he can’t really stop the instinctive urge for more.  Harry finds himself being pushed back, suddenly being kissed within an inch of his life – and fuck Draco knows what he’s doing with that mouth of his – as his back hits the wall separating the sitting room from the kitchen.  Now Harry feels too hot in his skin, that tongue doing wicked things in his mouth and those glorious, elegant fingers edging down to the hem of his shirt, lightly sweeping under it to touch the warm skin of Harry’s stomach.

He doesn’t even get the opportunity to respond in kind, because they separate for breath and Draco nuzzles down into Harry’s neck, pressing open-mouthed kisses intermixed with the drag of his teeth against his skin, and all Harry can do is feel, breath coming out in harsh gasps and his fingers clutching mindlessly in Draco’s hair to keep him in place.  

He can feel his hips aimlessly pushing into Draco’s thigh, which is nestled in between Harry’s legs, and his prick is steadily growing against the expanse of lean muscle, increasingly achy and becoming steadily confined in its denim and cotton trappings.

And Draco himself is letting out near-constant sounds, something between a groan and a whimper, low and rough and enough to send a solid rush of arousal to the heavy heat between Harry’s thighs.  Harry can feel Draco’s own prick growing more rigid against Harry’s hip, and it’s intoxicating, this rush of almost easy passion between them, comfortable and right.  He suddenly can’t take the separation anymore and he pulls Draco’s face up, pushing their mouths together in a heated, intense glide of tongues and teeth as he forces his hands away from Draco’s hair, letting them trail down the bumps of Draco’s spine.  When he reaches the bottom hem, he brings his hands to the sharp bones of Draco’s hips through his trousers, caressing them with his thumbs before he attacks the buttons of his shirt.  It makes Draco exhale shakily, and then they’re mutually trying to take off each other’s shirts, Draco having a much easier time with it considering Harry avoids buttons like the plague.

He disconnects for a moment so the apparently offending fabric can be pulled over his head, and then he returns to the buttons, eventually managing to unclasp all of them.  He’s too impatient to yank it off him though, opting instead to just wrap his arms around Draco’s middle and pull them flush together, the warmth of their bare skin delicious and soothing all at once.  He tears his mouth away to finally return the favour, dragging his lips against the smooth skin on Draco’s throat and tasting salt and man, and gods he’s needs Draco on a bed right-fucking-now.

He pushes, Draco stumbling a bit from the suddenness but thankfully keeping his balance thanks to his own natural grace as well as Harry’s hands on his ribs, and Harry gets out in a rough whisper, “Bedroom, now.”

[bonesandblood-sunandmoon]

The Baggage of Love

CoA prompt for Dec 2019 - “Love” [Call for Submissions]. Under a cut due to length; there’s a few sections: Family, Friends, So-Called “Puppy Love”, Love is a Four-Letter Word, and “not gay as in happy, but queer as in i love you”. (Link to that quoted post is provided.)

Family

In terms of feeling (personal experience) and topic (impersonal), there’s an iceberg when approaching familial love (and the lack thereof). I don’t have the spoons for poking at the effects of our parents’ lives on us, divorce, growing up in an essentially single parent house, or the fragility of familial love, usually framed in terms of acceptance, around queer and trans identities. Other people have written about the popularity of the Found Family trope in queer fandom, intergenerational trauma, and all kinds of family stuff, and I am but a simple blogger. I do remember that it was first with my family that I was exposed to the concept of love and saying that I loved them, and when push comes to shove, it’s not uncommon for stories to default to parental love as an important element of a character’s story (‘at least their family will always be there for them’).

Familial love can be fraught with complications of our own parent-child or caretaker-child baggage (if grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. raised us), but I suspect there are some aros who would say that it’s a different flavor of love from what’s talked about in relation to aromanticism. The whole offspring thing is a whole ‘nother can of worms that could be a separate CoA prompt, but I can see child rearing being separate from the alloromantic relationship elevator in a way that isn’t incompatible with being aro, even if co-parenting is usually presented romantically in most media. (At least, off the top of my head, I associate it with ‘becoming a step-parent’ narratives, but that doesn’t mean non-romantic co-parenting isn’t out there.)

Friends

I know I’ve seen it cross my dash about not emphasizing platonic love over romantic love or over emphasizing friends as a means of ‘aros are still human’, but I didn’t save links for an idea of how discussions about prioritizing friendship have been happening. On the one hand, I can understand how uncomfortable and alienating this can be for aplatonic aros, but on the other hand, I spend most of my time in the allo-allo world with people who clearly prioritize romantic love over friendships, so it feels like I don’t actually experience very much prioritization of friendship. I don’t mean that the aro community shouldn’t be cautious of prioritizing platonic love and relationships. It’s more of a personal balancing act, but I’m not quite finding the right words for what I want to say right now.

(Aside: When I think of love that hasn’t been otherwise specified, I think of the middle school banter with some of my friends - something like a minor inconvenience leads to “I hate you” “Aw, I love you, too” - juxtaposed against feeling blindsided in high school that, apparently, I’m misleading others if I say ‘I love you’ to a friend. Unbeknownst to me, I was dating someone for about two or three months in 9th grade because of that. I think of wanting to tell someone that I was proud of them facing one of their fears during the course of that day’s work (“I love you for trying”). I think of reassuring friends that I care about them.)

When I think of just the word ‘love’, I think of an amorphous, unspecific feeling love that seems to reasonably include friendships. Some posts that were probably meant to stay personal/venting posts from aro bloggers use love to mean romance, but sometimes, that feels about as restrictive as allo-allo people assuming I must be dating a friend in order to say love. I may not feel as comfortable saying it out loud anymore, but I still love my friends in a way that’s hard to name or specify any further yet isn’t romantic.

So-Called “Puppy Love”

I feel like I’ve explained this before, but I have memories of crushes that have faded and become hard to translate to present/future perceptions. One of my past rounds of shadow work was specifically aimed at recovering from a crush on a friend ending our friendship, and I’ve always been embarrassed to talk about it, particularly as the final straw that set off one of my depressive episodes in high school. ~ One of those overperforming emos writing sad poetry about an unrequited crush? The emotional dysregulation of experiencing the first major heartbreak and becoming a depressed teen stereotype? ~ It was cringey before calling things cringey was a thing. (Also, please don’t go looking for my middle/high school era DA account where that’s been immortalized.)

In hindsight, I can recognize a whole bunch of comparatively minor crushes were probably more based on aesthetic attraction because they didn’t actually come with the same type of ‘butterflies’ and daydreaming about hypothetical futures. The crushes that were more substantial and had to be accommodated were more likely on friends, and it faired better to just wait out the feelings with no disclosure. I can think of at least one occasion where I was semi-aware that my crush was aesthetically based and I didn’t actually want to date him, but that awareness didn’t come along until undergrad. The last situation I definitely call a crush was in Sophomore year of undergrad and involved a friend, who in the past year found out about it and wasn’t upset or anything. (Shout out to friendship that can survive accidentally revealing that time I had a crush on her because she follows my tumblr.)

The Lightning Incident (as I so creatively refer to it) was this random, out of the blue event in my (I believe) Senior year of undergrad where my brain just kinda blanked, I felt internally giddy, and I just forgot how to speak while a cute girl I didn’t know was talking to me. Like, I just mentally shut down a bit and wandered away from the salad bar in a daze. For sheer experience on my end, I’m including it here, but I’ve still never been sure if it was a crush because my brain forgetting how to talk is incredibly counterproductive to interaction (and hasn’t happened before). I felt incredibly nervous talking to her during future conversations, but it didn’t quite feel the same as what I’ve experienced as a crush before. (I’m also 99% sure she never picked up on any of my internal weird feeling experiences and hasn’t found out since then, so yay me for keeping a lid on that.)

Love is a Four-Letter Word

Originally, I had something about hearing the line attributed to this section from a cartoon villain and the presentation of an inability to love in some form as a shortcut to villain coding planned, but then, in the midst of ‘pre-headache brain static’, I remembered a line from a post, “M is for the lack of madness | Called love that others see” (‘Aromantic’ acrostic poem). For a certain amount of aros, it’s probably just a relatable line, and they don’t necessarily give it much thought. I still haven’t been able to figure out how I feel about equating love to madness. On the one hand, there’s somewhat of a literary tradition, so it’s not exactly a new idea:

“Love is merely a madness and, I tell you, deserves as well a dark house and a whip as madmen do, and the reason why they are not so punished and cured is that the lunacy is so ordinary that the whippers are in love, too” (As You Like It, Act 3 scene 2, No Fear Shakespeare link).

On the other hand, I have complicated feelings around the idea because of my own mental health issues. But if a crush ended a friendship that was important to me in high school, and it was tied up with depression, doesn’t that make it sorta relatable? Maybe for someone else, but I wind up thinking about the ashamed teen who couldn’t explain what was wrong in such a way to be believed and get help because it was ‘just an unrequited crush I would outgrow quickly’, and the isolation of not being able to talk to anyone about a same-gender crush that didn’t help the depression. I may not have had to face homosexuality being listed as a paraphilia, sexual orientation disturbance, or other listing in the DSM, but that didn’t necessarily mean it was a supportive atmosphere to reach out to ‘trusted’ adults.

I don’t have the energy to poke at other relevant details around my mental health right now, but there’s a certain knee jerk reaction to feel uncomfortable with the implication that an element of a romantic, sexual, or otherwise specified orientation may get people called crazy. I know aros are usually trying to joke about alloromantics (punching up, as it were), and no one wants to disclaimer their posts for every little thing. It’s entirely possible I’m overthinking this, and it’s bumping up against other baggage (around gender therapy and not being ‘too mentally ill to be believed’, for example), but I would rather not have ‘love is madness’ be a thing that people try to fold into permanent aro infrastructure. (The use of ‘love’ to mean ‘romantic love’ might also cast too wide a net and people who use ‘love’ non-romantically might think they’re being included.) If someone wants to call me ‘mad’, I’ve got brain shenanigans and symptoms to use as justification instead.

“not gay as in happy, but queer as in i love you”

There’s something about the first half of this post [link] that seems suited for spoken word poetry, and I don’t know how to translate my feelings into a written reply or commentary. However, I want to end with this because it scratches a hopepunk itch, and since I’m wrapping up this post on New Year’s Eve 2019, I feel like I could use a little hope for 2020. Maybe love is a messy concept that’s broad and narrow, felt by everyone and felt by no one (depending on each definition), and carries only as much meaning as you give it. Maybe love has no inherent feeling that’s universal, and it’s all down to action and inaction, like radical kindness. (I don’t know.)

[bisexualraplines]

I change my mind. You can absolutely go forth and spoil me about the clown movie. I won't be seeing it until Sept 17th and that is far too long to wait LOL

gonna add a read more in case my mutuals don’t wanna see anything!!! warning for the mention of a suicide (non graphic) and homophobia 

stan writes and sends heartfelt, individual notes to each of the losers

his su*cide is not shown onscreen, just the aftermath, which is quite graphic 

the film is 3 hours long and has a good balance of flashbacks, humor and horror. a reddit user said there are about 5 jump scares, but they are all similar to the ones from the first film (the tension leading up to them is very well constructed, no cutaways like the first film)

the ritual before the defeating battle against clown binch is each loser having to face their fears, and overcome them in a battle of wills

richie is explicitly queer! his arc is based off his childhood struggle, coming to terms with his sexuality, and dealing with his crush on his best friend (whose feelings come back out after their memories of each other return after they reunite 27 yrs later). he is shown to ‘realize’ his sexuality in a flashback where he accidentally brushes hands with a boy, he’s visibly flustered. afterwards, during his encounter with clown b*tch, he’s taunted (this is where the vid leak where the lines ‘i know your secret, your dirty little secret’ comes in) 

directly from the reddit user: ‘i gathered that his vulgarity/trashmouth/ persona was a cover for deep insecurity and shame about his sexuality. picking on eddie was an attempt to distract from his inner truth that he had feelings for him

during the clubhouse scene, richie’s nervous around eddie and its made clear he’s developed a crush on him to the audience. during a particularly c*te moment, while he’s in a hammock, eddie says its his turn but richie doesn’t get off, which results in eddie climbing in with him :’)

eddie’s sexuality is made more unclear, with it being not as obviously stated as richie’s. which I find unfortunate due to his gay coding from the book (i.e his ‘fear’ being a clear metaphor for internalized homophobia). but who knows, I’ve seen people say its more one sided, but it hasn’t been said that it isn’t unrequited, or if he is even aware of richie’s feelings. I interpret him as being very, very repressed (which bill and james have even mentioned in an interview) his arc is about overcoming self-doubt and realizing that even though he thinks himself to be too weak to face clown b*tch, he actually ends up making some of the most pivotal contributions to It’s defeat

richie etches the r+ as a kid and goes back to add the e towards the end of the film. a binch (me) is going to lose her goddamn mind

‘they have very delicate moments on top of their usual banter’ they really see each other again after 27 years and go immediately back to roasting. i am so fond 

almost every critic review i’ve seen so far has been praising bill hader (richie)’s performance. its what he deserves!

ALRIGHT ENOUGH ABOUT THE GAYS. I think I might go into a longer, in depth essay about my thoughts on them? especially with their decision to not delve into addressing eddies sexuality after the 30 years of book speculation and to instead make richie the explicitly queer one. as well as his sexuality shone in a positive, open way and how he overcomes his struggles? which like. bravo. especially with it being a mainstream, widely  anticipated horror movie. one of the most popular horror franchises of this decade where the target demographic are hetties… the POWER

they delve into mikes characterization quite a lot more this time around!

they’ve altered a bit of the losers’ profession. which makes sense considering the book is from the 80s

the bowers scenes were described as the most ‘fucked up’ because of his instability and clown binches control over him

bev’s husband makes an appearance, although brief, and he’s a real dickhead

I’m at work but if you want any specifics lmk! I’m in absolute hysterics. I love horror, and I love well written horror, and I love sweet sweet validation over queer coded characters from books written in the 80s ajdfjdjd. I spent a good two whole hours defending the possibility of r+e on reddit last night cause the denial of some of these hetties………….. 

[bxbydcll]

i can never be on time to these things wow but hello i’m home from work and now i’m here to introduce you to my genderqueer little baby.... doll kennedy. ( will also respond to kenny, ken, and definitely baby asjkals ) ! i’ve played them only once before so i’m really excited to be bringing them back to life with a whole new lil story and everything !! without further ado, here’s kennedy!

tw neglect, manipulation / abuse

[ MITCH GRASSI, TWENTY TWO, & THEY/THEM ] KENNEDY TATE is known as the BABYDOLL around denver. they’ve lived here for FIVE YEARS and are a BEAUTY/FASHION YOUTUBER. SLEEVES DANGLING PAST THEIR FINGERTIPS, ROSE GOLD EYESHADOW, HAND-WOVEN FLOWER CROWNS, SANDPAPER KITTEN KISSES, AN APARTMENT FILLED WITH FLOWERS . [ NAT, SHE/HER, 18+, CST ]

kennedy didn’t grow up in a BAD household so to speak. their parents were just lowkey stoners who kind of forgot they had a child

so they’d just??? wander outside at like 5 years old and come back with a snickers bar like it was nbd?

became gifted at petty theft and doe eye blinking their way out of trouble

lowkey a perfectionist and has to have things neat and tidy

was kind of bullied at school because, self raised, kennedy had no sense of discipline and/or social norms so they were constantly wearing inappropriate things bc gender roles exist but not to them and their parents couldn’t really be bothered to y’know… help???

grew a tough backbone through the exploration of their own gender identity and kind of said fuck it to all the other kids

fast forward to a 15-16 year old kennedy getting into their first relationship. this individual was older and exciting and for once in their #yung life, kennedy was being paid attention

felt important and pretty!

felt POWERFUL!

but they were being groomed and as soon as this boyf had kennedy wrapped around their finger with his charm and his wit, things turned toxic

it was hard for kennedy to piece together what was going on. they hadn’t really a stable relationship to base their own experience off of and it was so nice to be wanted. it didn’t occur to them that a) they were too young to be in this serious a relationship and b) this person was a total jackass

lots of verbal put downs, possessiveness, pressure to be perfect and always available, essentially treated as an accessory to him instead of a person of their own

their boyfriend kind of stifled the self expression they’d been starting to explore through fashion and makeup so they felt like they had to keep it a secret? stealing highlighters and lippies from the local drug store, that kinda thing.

they were willing to put themselves on the backburner if it meant staying in this “great” relationship but something felt wrong about it. it knocked their self esteem back a few pegs.

momentarily, they were able to forget it when, at 17, their boyfriend relocated them to denver!!

they were in a new place with new people and it was really exciting. they didn’t have many friends at home ( see, the bullying and the control this guy had over kenny as the reasons tbh ) so they were hopeful this would be the fresh start they needed.

once they were settled in, they were determined to branch out! it was difficult at first but eventually the independence they exhibited as a little tot resurfaced -- it helped that their boyf was out a lot

kennedy met someone about six months into their stay in colorado who changed everything. they opened kenny’s eyes to the manipulation they were undergoing at home with their boyfriend AND the neglect they had experienced as a young child. basically, this person was kennedy’s best friend and the kind of gentle influence someone like them needed this whole time. (potential plot but also fine as an NPC)

i have it headcanoned that at one point this person was a little in love with soft and pure little kennedy but it never went anywhere.

ANYWAYS

this person convinced kennedy to break up with their boyfriend and let kenny live with them for a little while!! eventually kennedy started up a youtube channel doing the one thing that brought them more joy than anything else : makeup!

the fashion part came later, once they found a pinch more confidence and felt comfortable saying ‘no thank you’ to gendered stereotypes

personality wise kennedy is literally a soft child? hence the babydoll label. i’m opting for the interpretation that doesn’t have the sexual connotations attached and instead kennedy is just like gentle and pure and seeking love and attention. they love makeup and fuzzy blankets and oversized clothes and piggyback rides. like everyone’s pesky little sibling, they’ll ask really untimely questions about really personal things

LOVES to flirt. loves telling people they are pretty and loves like platonic kisses? often gets into trouble by kissing pretty people in bars and having no intention of following through (bc of their shit relationship tbh) though they will give but not receive if you follow

their youtube channel is actually flourishing. they do videos mostly about makeup, fashion and apartment hauls but they also touch on lgbt issues and have become a queer icon in their community. drama free and very sweet.

the only time they are not this little bucket of love is when they are lost in their thoughts. i mean, they really did have a rough childhood and an even rougher relationships. kennedy can get really down in their own head sometimes but they’ve been using their job and all the perks its slowly earning them to make it a little better

money can’t buy happiness but it can buy some very pretty things instead!!!

that was really long and i’m running on empty but i’ll put a few quick lil facts below as well as some possible connections!!

BLONDE they are very blonde and love to keep their hair bleached platinum

kennedy’s bedroom is where they film so that’s fully furnished and decorated but the rest of their apartment is pretty minimalistic

fills the empty space with TONS of flowers and plants because they like to feel like a woodland nymph (same) and it smells lovely

they’re a pretty decent baker and enjoy making baked goods for people in their apartment. can’t cook tho

very trim in frame and small in stature

wears lots of pastel colors or whites most of the time but likes a good black outfit too

has a munchkin kitten named venus

interacts with fans / followers constantly ; even though their channel is swiftly growing, they don’t want to become one of those lofty unobtainable yt celebrities. they especially like to help out fellow queer makeup wearing folk or those going through abusive relationships as well

is currently in therapy now that they are in a place to afford it

hasn’t dated since their ex but definitely... has an interest. kind of a hopeless romantic in that sense.

sexually uncertain but sexuality predominantly interested in men or masc individuals

genderqueer for sURE but pronouns wise they’re... predominantly they/them but can feel masc or fem some days and so pronouns wise it’s a non issue if you slip into something different. they’ll just refer to themselves mainly with them/them

CONNECTIONS !?

BEST FRIEND & CONFIDANT/ former roommate

maybe a current roommate ana

follower / fan

unrequited crush nic

platonic kiss partner

childhood friend ( from new york )

someone who knew their ex

makeup model / someone they help style

someone they brush paths with on the daily

an almost hookup could be fun

catsitter!

protective friendship

bad influence

#squad / helping kenny branch out

movie buddy

OKAY THATS ENOUGH FROM ME if you made it this far a) tell me and b) love me & plot with my baby please and thank you

[bellabooks]

Imagine If They Had Just Made Them Gay: SuperHero Edition

Out of all the numerous movie categories out there, the superhero genre has always struck me as insanely queer. Maybe it’s all the tight, spandex outfits. Or the overly common “outsider / sociality reject” theme that can be found in almost every superhero movie known to man. But, regardless of the reason, most superhero movies tend to be one good, sweaty grappling fight scene away from being dubbed an LGBTQ+ instant classic. So then why aren’t there more queer superhero movies? Simple. Superheroes, by our antiquated societal definition, are supposed to be the epitome of hyper masculinity. They are super muscular, insanely good looking, and always manage to not only save the day, but also win over the affection of the damsel in distress while doing so. And of course, this naturally means, they can’t be associated to anything that remotely goes against those stereotype. Like being female. Or queer… Or, god forbid, being a queer female. Yes, there have been some great strides made over the past few years to fix this general disparity and we are finally starting to see more of an overall variety when it comes to types of superheroes on the big screen *cough* Wonder Woman *cough*, but there’s still a long, long way to go. So, while I sit and wait for Hollywood to finally make my dreams come true and produce a honest to god queer female superhero movie, I pass the time by playing a few rounds of “Imagine If they Had Just Made Them Gay” with some of my all-time favorite superhero movies.   Power Rangers (2017) Now, I know what you’re thinking… Power Rangers? Seriously? Out of all of the one to choose from in the vast lexicon of superhero movies, why Power Rangers? Isn’t it just a cheesy, big-screen version of the painfully bad 90’s kids TV show? Well, three reasons. One, the Power Rangers Movie is actually good… like surprisingly good, in an modern day Breakfast Club, extra angsty sorta way. Don’t believe me? Go on and watch it for yourself. Don’t worry. I can wait… Done watching? Good. Now, let’s continue. Secondly, the Power Rangers is one of the rare examples of an ensemble superhero movie that features more than one female lead. Crazy, right?  But, sadly, it’s the truth. The Avengers? Black Widow. Fantastic Four? Sue Storm. The Justice League? Wonder Woman. You get the point. And lastly, it’s the first superhero movie to feature a queer character. Granted, I use the word “queer” loosely because this is only hinted at in one scene where Trini (aka the Yellow Ranger) gives an indirect “coming out” speech after being asked if her problems were “girl problems.” But, at the same time, though, given her steady wardrobe of flannels and beanies, and faux shaved side of the head hairstyle, little to no verbal confirmation is actually needed. Trini, in short, is one rainbow flag away from a one woman pride parade. So, given all of the above, plus the overwhelming amount of Trini / Kimberly (aka the Pink Ranger) “getting to know you” deleted scenes, why on earth didn’t they just take it one step further and make it a full-fledged queer falling in love story? Absolute head scratcher, right? Well, I still hold out hope for there being one in the next movie (that’s if Lionsgate comes to their senses and finally green lights a sequel), but in the meantime, imagine if Power Rangers went a little something like this… Kimberly Hart. Once head cheerleader and ex-teen royalty of Angel Grove High, falls from grace after leaking a nude pic of her ex-best friend to her then boyfriend. (side note: still have sooo many questions as to why she had this pic to begin with. Is this a straight girl thing? Cause, if not, it so screams gay in a “I have memorized every Tegan and Sara song known to man” sorta way.) After giving herself an impromptu bob in the high school bathroom during Saturday detention, Kimberly happens to stumble upon four other high school social rejects late one night at the local quarry and they proceed to make a life changing discovery in the way of five oddly colored, intergalactic gems. Quickly coming to the realization that they suddenly now all possess superpowers thanks to the mysteriously gems, the group returns to the quarry the next day in an attempt to figure out what the hell is going on. And it’s at that very moment, that Kimberly’s whole life changes… Cue Trini. Angel Grove’s very own death metal loving, yoga practicing, resident pocket-sized queer. She’s feisty, sarcastic, and knows just how to impress a girl with her climbing up the side of a rock face and then leaping over an enormous cavern skills. Unable to hide her gay, Kimberly stumbles her way through a painfully awkward conversation where she tries to turn on the charm and convince Trini to come with them. And when that doesn’t work, she decides to just bite the bullet make a move (literally) but grabbing hold of Trini, throwing them right over the side of a cliff. And so begins the all too familiar “is it or isn’t it a date” montage. It’s all fun and games, until a gold obsessed villain named Rita shows up and decides to pay a late night visit to Trini. Rita proceeds to rough Trini up as a warning to the rest of the rangers and in the process fully ticks off Kimberly. Out for blood, Kimberly convinces the rest of the rangers to go after Rita. But, like most novice superheroes, the are beyond ill prepared and not only do they get their asses handed to them but the run also results in Billy ( aka the Blue Ranger) getting temporarily killed. After a quick regroup back at the ship for a prep talk and a minor supernatural resurrection, the rangers go after Rita once again, this time sporting brand spanking new suits and prehistoric themed vehicles. An epic battle ensues and in a sudden life and death moment, the light bulb finally clicks for both Trini and Kimberly. They want to be together… No, scratch that. They NEED to be together. And right now. With the burst of extra motivation, Kimberly and Trini lead the charge and help the boys send Rita on a one way trip to deep space and then sneak off to celebrate with one another… again… and again… and again…   Hancock (2008) Again, I know what you’re thinking… Power Rangers is one thing, but Hancock?  Not only is it a mediocre movie at best, it’s not even based off of a pre-existing comic franchise. I whole-heartily agree that Hancock has its fair share of problems. For starters, the main one being the casting of Will Smith as Hancock himself. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love Will Smith. There are roles that are just good fits for him and then there are the other ones–the ones like Hancock. And then there’s Jason Bateman. Jason Bateman always plays one type of character and one type of character only… Michael Bluth. And Michael Bluth should never ever exist within a superhero movie. But, looking beyond its problems, Hancock does have something going for it that most superhero movies, more often than not, tend to severely lack–an original and unique story. Hancock’s plot at its core is an unrequited love story. Two superheroes, who are destined to find one another time and time again regardless of the situation, yet the mere presence of one another is so toxic that being together will eventually lead to their deaths. Sound vaguely familiar? Like something you might’ve seen in real life once or twice? That’s because this plot could also double as a description for roughly 65% of all queer relationships. Who hasn’t had a friend (or ten) break up with the same girl time and time again only to get back together with her a few months later because “they can’t help themselves”? So, given that it’s plot is insanely queer to begin with, imagine if Hancock went something like this… (Sidenote: My photoshop skills are good, but not THAT good. So, every time you see Will Smith, just imagine an amazing actress instead… Like Samira Wiley) Hancock, a rough around the edges queer superhero, is known for two things. Protecting the citizens of greater Los Angeles from a wide array of criminal activity and creating an insane amount of collateral damage while doing so. In short, Hancock has a MAJOR perception problem. But does she care? Chalk it up to years of being dubbed an “outsider” or a superhuman sized chip on her shoulder, but Hancock just doesn’t seem to care what anyone thinks about her. She’s a superhero and that means show up, kick some ass, and save the day. End of story. There’s just no need for anything (or anyone) else. But, then one day, Hancock’s world is turned upside down when she happens to save the life of a lovable but super generic PR specialist named Ray. Beyond grateful, Ray makes it his personal mission, not only to befriend Hancock, but also to help her turn her public image around. New clothes. New attitude. And of course, new social circles. Hancock begrudging goes along with it all, including agreeing to attend a family dinner, where she happens to discover that Ray’s wife Mary looks oddly familiar. And suddenly… BAM! Hancock finds herself inexplicably drawn to Mary. She simply can’t get enough of the woman and needs to be around her 24/7. Mary, though, wants nothing to do with Hancock. She’s not only strangely standoffish, but seems to make up an excuse to leave the room whenever Hancock appears. Dying to win Mary over, Hancock attempts to learn more about her and in the process discovers that Mary, in fact, is a superhero as well. But before Hancock can confront Mary on this unique shared similarity, Mary falls deathly ill and is hospitalized. No one seems to know what the problem is and to make matters worse, Hancock is affected as well, but only when she’s in proximity to Mary. Hancock is pushed to the brink of insanity while trying to unearth what is causing Mary’s illness. Unable to handle her feelings, she goes on a crime-fighting bender and after being hit on the head by a flying piece of debris, suddenly remembers who exactly Mary is. Mary is Hancock’s eternal soulmate and, in a cruel twist of fate, also her ultimate kryptonite. Lifetime after lifetime, they are destined to find one another, only to inadvertently poison each other to death by their mere presence. Not wanting to put Mary through anymore unnecessary pain and suffering, Hancock decides that the only sane and logical thing to do is for her to disappear forever and live out the rest of her life in utter isolation. She goes to see Mary one last time to say her goodbyes, but for she can carry out her plan, Mary stops her. Thanks to modern technology, there’s a way they can be together and yet be apart at all at the same time… So, what do you think?  What other superhero movies do you think would be better if they had just made it gay? http://dlvr.it/PjNdz1

[ratajota]

since watching kids cartoon analyisis on youtube induces a state of verborrhage, im gonna say a few things about nelyn that ive slightly tought about and just dont sound right to me anymore:

- there are many, MANY things that nelyn does that make absolutely no sense that were basically driven by my own teenage libido, which is, the endless gay longing of sweating while thinking about holding hands. a way late teens and adults dont normally behave. nelyn, im so sorry. in which:

1 - joining the telvanni and succeeding was one of those things. partly inspired because i just wanted my friends oc to be his friend and develop them together. it gave me a bullshit excuse in how in earth would nelyn manage to become a real hortator while having the charm and charisma of a rat in dunmeri political terms, and how in earth could nelyn become so magically powerful. i made it so nelyn magically succeeded despite everything just pointing to this not working. hell, he would make a better redoran.

there was this whole arc (which i would not discard) where he got an apprenticeship at port telvannis, since he needed Mage Papers to get a shot at being a proper telvanni, worked his ass off to be independent and sustain himself, while receiving all sorts of academic mistreatment and backlash. basically, rigurous magic methods versus the purely intuitive unmethodic magic of nelyn, and also, he can´t read. the sheer discrimination of it all. he learned much more and grew more as a person by doing labor in the island than in academy, then went back to vvardenfel. originally, he did become an Alternative Alteration Smart Master Wizord, but this is just out of character. at most, he is a crazy philosopher greatly influenced by other crazy boethians

2 - those brief times with teldryn and julan that were continuously scrapped and rewritten because guess what.... didnt make sense because they all strongly clash personality wise. with teldryn, theres this great naivety of liking the first person that treats you more or less okay, with julan, which i constantly had to stop writing and twist things because they would get REALLY heated up and hated each other forever because they are both determined hot headed little shits and really had no reason to travel together (nelyn would Never give him the pleasure of letting him believe he was the neverbrain). also, this reeks a lot like transmasculine fear

i will not talk about hassim. thats too embarrassing. but consider that whole ordeal also another mistake

notice how nelyn has no acquaitances or FRIENDS and only guys that he has weird homo tension or unrequited/failed relationships with? this is called the author was a queer 16 years old with very little life experience and a lot of idealization.

3 - the weird themes around masculinity. Nelyn obviously goes from being curious, sensible/sensitive, negociating, perceptive and wary of the world and spirits, being very connected to them, to completely brazen and colluding with everything in his path, twisting everything to fit his destiny and reshaping his narrative. it makes a bit of sense if you understand that he came from a place where everything went more or less swimmingly for him, that he was doing great, was loved and everything he did was fantastic, and he harbored a quiet resentment for the very few things that were not allowed for him (ethnic belonging, a bloodline, normality as in not being a witch, the empire seeping in windhelm). it is public knowledge that morrowind simply treats anybody like shit, and boy was nelyn greatly offended. Nelyn never really acts or approaches the spiritual matters of morrowind with genuine respect and love as he treated those of skyrim, he did it with great interest, yes, but there was this very strong intention of FIXING THINGS HIS WAY, instead of feeling he was talking and negociating with a force of nature. again, aedric vs daedric stuff

there´s this thing where nelyn goes from being a very disorientated tourist having constant meltdowns (which always end in some sort of “fuck these people” realization that drives him forward - he is simply unable to sink and give up, its something hardwired in him for some reason) to a hortator, with all that word means. i took the mantling stuff into the story as well, nelyn becomes as golden as nerevar and doesnt really return to his senses until the main events are over and allows himself to suffer.. this all is casually happening as he transitions. theres this clear narrative where he stops being a victim and becomes the one holding the reins, or maybe the whip. metaphysical demonization of transmasculinity trope?

nelyn is also greatly overpowered, but for a long time, it´s absolutely useless and more of an obstacle to basic normal function. being almost unable to battle despite knowing how to use axe due to the overwhelming sensations of either the dagoth corruption or daedric energies. again, in a point of the story, he goes from passively perceiving things and communicating with them (often going very wrongly for him), and learns to materialize his will and force reality to do what he wanted, no longer listens to the world around him.

this all by itself is neutral, it does not have a relationship with gender, but at some point i just made nelyn trans just because, with little thought. i dont know if i can freely talk about this since people get their jimmies rustled, but i dont think anyones gonna care in this dying platform. it all casually ties with the hortator and conqueror themes. many times after 2017 i came across nelyn and wondered how does a person that looks, feels, and thinks like two different people at the same time can be the same person. the obvious answer is yes, these two are contained by the other one at the same time, there´s always a presence of this mystical nelyn in the more emotional matters, and theres always a hortator nelyn coming to the rescue in his earliest moments, driving him forward.

4 - nelyns transition doesnt make sense, and so doesnt the lore i constructed around it. flesh magic, good, ok, we get it, totally lore friendly. but theres no real reason why would someone with little to no problems with their physical appearance, who didnt think that an operation that is not life-saving exists, or that someone very androgynous would jump right into such drastic things just because a wizard told them they could do it. i have a lot of conflicting views of him, his image and his presentation, but his hypermasculinization, when we dont really know what it means and is necessary to be a man in morrowind, and supposedly there is gender equality in skyrim is like... wherever is this sudden short hair and stern manliness coming from? i know, PROJECTION

5- there have been a Lot of arcs that were thought about after the end of the main quest, telvanni mage nelyn, oblivion playthrough, just descent into madness, and most recently, a return to skyrim with an eventual return to morrowind. for some reason, they all meet this dead point where nelyn just breaks and cannot deal with it all anymore, with no more willpower or knowing what he wants to do, when his character for a lot of time was based on that. someday i will know the reason for this

6- i dont even remember how much i twisted the mq into something of a huge scale but definitely unrealistic

[rawinternets]

Star Wars Episode 8: a rediscovery

The latest Star Wars installation is all of 3 months old, so it’s hard to call it “a rediscovery,” but here we are. I watched Episode 8 again, and again I was disappointed, maybe even moreso the second time around. 

This movie has lots of good, even great, in it - although for everything it does well, it completely botches at least one other thing. To use the “cooking” analogy that went so well in my Ep1 review: it’s like there are half amazing ingredients, half just straight Crisco, and the instructions, steps, and timing are all off. Instead of a cake (or an Ep1 Jar Jar Shit Cake), you end up with a nasty soup with delicious chunks of gourmet chocolate swimming around in there. 

It’s sloppy, is what I’m trying to say. Not inspiring. It felt like a fairly hollow installation. The magic was gone.

One reason? Cut scenes. Every scene felt *too* fast-paced. Cut, cut, cut. I could barely keep up with my note-taking, and had to pause many times. I reviewed 68 scenes or set pieces in Ep8, far more than the rest: 

R1: 25 Ep4: 29 Ep5: 31 Ep1: 39 Ep2: 42 Ep3: 41 Ep6: 41 Ep7: 46 Ep8: 68

(Yes, there was an upward trend - maybe I just took more discrete notes as I went on - but still, Ep8 is a clear outlier).

This cut-scening gives a frantic pace and no time to emotionally settle into the storyline. It’s almost too much to process. The movie finally settles in when Rey is trying to learn from Luke, but for the majority of the film, we’re brutally bashed between scenes and set pieces such that we become numb. 

The other structural problem with this film is one which you can’t necessarily see in the histogram or the “journey” chart. This is my belief: the glittering veins of the film are the Jedi-Sith struggle, the blurring between the two... the genuine, moving, and perplexing connection between Kylo Ren and Rey. An orthogonalization (is that a word?) of the Jedi-Sith struggle into a young-old struggle (sounds kind of similar......... #trump). 

This is truly some inspired stuff. Some great scenes. many 9′s, a 10. But these veins of value are set in a truly worthless plot substrate. We have a horrifyingly re-treaded and cheesy and just generally infuriating attack on some ship called a “dreadnought,” and then we have a Battlestar Galactica simulacrum for the remainder of the film, a wretched and unnecessary and heavy-handed side-excursion to a cantina v3 (this time rich and black-tie, not a grungy bar!), we have Hux over-acting, and we have a god-awful Snoke, whose cancerous presence from Ep7 metastasized and was mercifully destroyed in Ep8 but not before causing lasting damage to the story arc.  We have so many moments of “this will never happen now... oh wait, it happened!” both on the good swing, and the bad. It’s as if in trying so hard to subvert the old tropes, the movie itself was simply an inverse image of the same old tropes. 

The other problem this movie has is that everyone... I mean pretty much everyone, except Kylo, Luke, and Rey, are mediocre at best. They’re caricatures of themselves, or someone/thing else. They have no depth and nuance. It’s extremely off-putting.

You can see I have a lot to say about this movie, which maybe is not surprising since it prompted me to undertake this entire exercise. Without further ado... 

Average score: 6.31 Standard deviation: 1.89

SCROLL. 6. Really lacking nuance. Everything is "heroic" vs "tyranny". And then... "But the Resistance is exposed!” How did they get exposed? I just don't get any of this. Why do they hope Luke will save them? This scroll is a total shit show. And it sets up another desperate escape from another rebel base... You know what? It seems like a bot got trained on all the other scrolls, and this is the output.

Rebel base discovered. 6.  Umm, intense walking and stilted dialogue and "oh no..." as the First Order arrives... mmm ok? This is at least a cool shot, where you can see the Star Destroyers from Earth.

Hux. 5. Dialogue is so bad. "I have orders from Supreme Leader Snoke himself... this is where we snuff out the Resistance once and for all." Incinerate Obliterate blah blah blah. Dreadnought.... meh. Burned out on superweapons.

Dreadnought and Poe’s Joke. 5.  Are we supposed to be afraid of another Mega-Star Destroyer after seeing so many destroyed by single ships in the past? And this is like a Death Star Lite with ground assault capabilities. I mean this just feels kind of uncreative and bland. Maybe a bit like Star Trek sorta showed up in Star Wars... REALLY bad cheesy joking with Poe. "Can you hear me now” joke? Your mother joke? Come on. Meh.

Attack the Dreadnought. 4.  Like I said... another single ship beats a huge ship... another “droid fixes shit in the middle of battle” shot... another hot shit pilot disobeys orders... and the worst part of all, Fuckin' gravity in space! If the bombers’ bombs are so dangerous, why do multiple bombers fly in such tight formation? Why not put them on oh, I dunno, missiles? Anyway, it's all down to one bomber... one person has to save everyone, of course. Of course the trigger falls below the deck but OH WAIT! she catches it with a backhand grab. Of course the bomb doors are open and she's not sucked out into space... Of course one bomber can take down the whole ship but they had like 10 at the beginning all tightly clumped. This is pure spectacle with no thinking at all. This is Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3. This is Michael Bay level shit, and not The Rock Michael Bay.

Snoke angry. 5. Snoke sucks. He can do Force shit that nobody else can to the extent that it’s diminishing, kind of like back to Eps 1-2 treatment of the Force. Slaps Hux from across the galaxy. OK. 

Finn wakes up. 5. Why was he in a coma again? Because he got back-sabered by Kylo on the Death Star 3? I guess. And he wakes up: “I’m sure you have a ton of questions...” “Where’s Rey?” Laying it on preeeeeettty thick here with the whole “hey, guys, this guy really cares about Rey!” unrequited love thing. (By the way, this unidimensional Finn shit will continue). 

Rey meets Luke. 8. ... and Luke throws the lightsaber over his shoulder. Some have criticized this for being a “try too hard to be different” moment but the first time I watched, I laughed genuinely and appreciatively, and the second time, I still liked it. What’s with this Rey hair of three-loop-ponytail? It’s trying too hard. Leia’s earbuns were truly singular. 

Porgs+Lightsaber. 8. I liked this near-Porg-death joke. And Rey sees the X-wing. OK. 

Chewy and Luke. 7. Luke starts putting it all together... but if he abandoned his family, the Jedi, and everyone else so many years ago, why does he care “Where’s Han?” Shouldn’t he be totally resigned to the inevitable decay and death of the universe and everything? 

Throne Room Snoke. 6. Meh. “We have them tied on a string.” Meh. Snoke is being a dick to Kylo. I am distinctly aware of Serkis overacting. Maybe Serkis Saturation is a thing... March of the Empire music is hokey here, rather than good. Snoke says "HOPE lives in the galaxy" Meh. The former evil empire wasn’t so like, blatantly and caricature-evil. “You're just a child in a mask.” Fine. Snoke sucks.

Kylo kills his mask. 8. Another “Reject Ep7″ moment, but I still liked it. Fits well with the character also. 

Rey and Luke. 7. "Within weeks, the First Order will control all the systems." "You think i'm going to walk out with a laser sword and face down the whole First Order?" Three thoughts here: 1) yeah good point Luke, actually. 2) Wait, how does Luke even know what the First Order is? 3) Wait... this is the first of many “I’ll/we’ll never X” and then (spoiler) X happens later. Anyway, the island is beautiful. I don't know how I feel about the milking the weird animal. OK I guess? It's different at least. Flying across a pole to a cliff to stab a fish? It's OK. I guess this is a decent sequence.

The Jedi Tree. 8. Rey is called to the tree, Luke figures out she has force sensitivity (why didn't he sense it before? wasn't listening for it?) and she explains she feels the Force after he confronts her. I liked this scene fine. “It's time for the Jedi to end, i came to this island to die.” All good.

Leia on the ship. 6.  Cloaked binary beacon connecting Leia to Rey... mehhhhhh. Poe demoted - good, what an idiot. The Dreadnought thing was a disaster. Finn sucks here. Just not greatly acted. Probably not his fault - script problem. So overly focused on Rey. Now they need a new base for asking for help from outer rim.... wonder where we’ve heard this kind of thing before...

Snoke’s ship shows up. 5.  Snoke's ship is like 1,000x the volume of regular enormous Star Destroyers? Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. And Poe “permission to get into an X-wing and blow something up,” with Leia’s “permission granted”... meehhhhhh. and then Kylo Ren fucks up the entire hangar bay anyway. Just doesn’t feel right. And this is where the “poor man’s Battlestar Galactica” really starts to set in. 

Kylo attacks the cruiser. 6.  Another "one ship destroys the fuck out of an enormous ship"... but I liked the conflict in Kylo, can’t fire on his mother.

Keeping out of range of shields. 3.  It was at this point I realized there were a lot of cutscenes in this movie. Like we had been been cutting and cutting and cutting for the first 30 minutes. I wrote: “I can barely keep up. and what the fuck? a smaller, lighter ship in space can keep out of range? what kind of bullshit physics is this? SPACE! FRICTIONLESS!”

Leia survives. 3. I wrote: “ OH dear god. that was atrocious.”

Chewy and Porgs, Luke. 6.  "Nothing can make me change my mind." OH REALLY? I BET SOMETHING WILL! R2D2 Plays Leia’s old message to Obi Wan. Mind Changed! Luke: "Tomorrow at dawn. 3 lessons."

Battlestar Galactica Laura Linney. 5.  Back to trying to escape the Cylons. Akbar dies offscreen, all Resistance leaders are dead. Bridge dead. Laura Linney comes in as the so-blatantly-queer leader of all. "The downtrodden and oppressed"... Hollywood laying it on a little thick, here. They are the spark that will light the fire, fine I guess. But even as a pretty left-leaning person, this scene broke my fourth wall. 

Holdo slaps Poe silly. 8. Very good scene. Finally, someone puts Poe in his place. This was the kind of feminist “resist toxic masculinity” thing that regardless of whether you like the message or not, had some subtlety to it rather than being ham-handed. 

Finn escapes, meets Rose. 4. Finn the idiot trying to find Rey for really no good reason. No depth of character - really obvious. He’s just the "GOTTA FIND REY!" guy this movie. Rose overacts. Finn running away again... Good, this makes sense! Finn and Rose are smart enough to talk jibberish at each other and solve the whole situation! Yeah, let's shut down the Destroyer! Yea let's sneak on board the Destroyer and disable the tracker! Also... how did Rose not already know they could be tracked through lightspeed? that obviously already happened literally hours ago, and there’s no way she didn’t know about the attack...

Poe and Finn stupid mission. 3.  Poe: "It’s a need to know plan and she doesn't." Ughhhhhhh booooooooo. Worst fucking plan. This is truly painful... another ragtag small group mission against the odds and against the wishes of leadership. Sure, this movie (spoiler) subverts the trope eventually, but in such a clear and blatant way that it still feels like the trope. 

Maz Kanata in union negotiations. 3. You can just imagine the writer’s room... “well, Kathleen Kennedy / JJ Abrams says we need to have Maz in Ep8 so she can return in Ep9. So how are we gonna get her in there? Hmm... well, let’s make it a hologram cameo so we don’t have to change script or design set. And maybe, hey, here’s an idea, a fun cameo! Something funny and unexpected! Like let’s have her be in the middle of a gunbattle! With who though? Nothing too serious... Oh! What about like Union negotiations? haha, that’s great! But let’s make sure it has some plot relevance... I got it, she can be the one who tips them off to the master codebreaker! Let’s make sure she says ‘find the master codebreaker’ twice so everyone is clear what’s happening.” fin

Rey-Kylo mind bridge. 8.  Pretty interesting scene. Kylo is good again, here as in most scenes. "You can't be here... the effort would kill you." Foreshaadowwwwwwingggg. Rey fires her blaster at the wall and the Nuns are pissed. Why didn't Rey tell Luke? Caretakers of the island. nice.

Luke trains Rey. 9.  It's a bit too fast how Rey just "gets it" ... like can't we warm up into that please? Kind of OK with the joking around with her when she reaches out, literally... OK and then the balance point is pretty cool, and Luke's lesson is pretty good. Although I don't love the seaweed anus (you know what I’m talking about), I do think that was a pretty cool scene. Luke is scared of Rey.

Back to Battlestar Galactica. 4. Getting frustrated, I wrote: “fuck i mean why are they so dead set on dumb ass missions?”

Chewy and Porgs. 7. Still too many scenes! I’m fine with porgs, I guess. I dunno. Not loving them, but also don't hate them like I hate the plot.

Rey and Kylo bridge 2. 9. Pretty great bridge scenes. Kylo more nuanced and mature than Rey. Kylo has water on him from the rain... should have been a foreshadowing to transportation in the galaxy or something awesome like that.

Canto Bight intro. 6. “Worst people in the galaxy.” Of course this would also be Hollywood ham-handed... The worst people are fancy richers. Stupid Western accent on big monster. It’s basically Monte Carlo. And it’s a New Cantina... but with bowties and cocktails this time! meh.

Canto Bight reveal. 4.  It's bad people! Heavy-handed. BB8 full of coins, ha, ha.... ha. Codebreaker plot gamut is over, good (sort of). 

Rey training. 7. Rey knocks over some rocks with her lightsaber. Funny. Decent. Although I wasn’t really impressed with her lightsaber wielding, to be honest. It seemed like they were trying to make it impressive. 

Luke and Rey lesson 2. 7. “The Jedi legacy is failure, hypocrisy, hubris.” I NOW KNOW THIS IS TRUE! Kylo takes a couple students and kills the rest... fine. Leia blamed Snoke... boooooO!!! Snoke is so dumb.

More BSG - fleet dying. 4. Current fuel at 6 hours. How does this square with the Luke/Rey pacing? Are we on two different timescales, like the great movie Dunkirk? Hux is lame.

Back on Canto Bight Benicio. 3.  Benicio del Toro is fine. The stutter tick is a bit overwrought. I wrote: “BB8 shoots coins like a fuckin’ bullshit idiot” so you know I was enjoying myself. I continue: “They escaped and left the fuckin' grate open?! now they're with the big dumb animals. show kids they're with the resistance. yay rebel logo. now they're riding the big dumb animals. on a track. now they're bulldozing a casino. now they're destroying cars. now the ship is destroyed. now they run up cliffs. and of course there's a cliff they almost fall down. ‘It was worth it to tear up that town and make'em hurt’ BOOOOOOO. Free the animal! ‘Now it's worth it...’ booooooo.”

Benicio saves the day. 4.  ddddddddd need a lift? what kind of stutter is this, anyway? 

Kylo-Rey and Luke-Leia bridge. 9. “Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. it's the only way to become who we're meant to be.” In addition to being a fantastic @EmoKyloRen tweet, this line and scene was pretty great. 

Rey goes to the dark hole (seaweed anus). 9. She opens up to Kylo. so cool. Really like this complexity. They fall in love halfway between light and dark, kinda? Luke blows up the cabin and Rey confronts him.

Rey and Luke fight! 8. “ This is not going to go the way you think!” “I saw Kylo's future as solid as I'm seeing you. Ben Solo will turn.” Seen this before! It's cool but it's also a bit of a rehash. Luke won't take the saber. she leaves.

Luke and Yoda. 9. Yoda, laughing, burns the tree. “Skywalker. teach the failure. always looking to the horizon, not here, the need in front of your nose.” “Failure the greatest teacher is.” “We are what they grow beyond, that is the true burden of all masters.” I guess Yoda is just an amazing character because the lines writers write for him are almost universally great. 

Finn, Rose, and Benicio. 7.  Selling weapons to the bad and good... military industrial complex. "It's all a machine. Live free, don't join." OK... I like the different take, at least. 

BSG Again. 7. Poe confronts Holdo. Meh.

Rey goes to Snoke’s ship, Poe mutinies, Finn and Rey slip through shields. 6.  Who cares.

Robots ironing joke. 8. I liked this!

More sneaking around. 6. Is the hacker a good guy!? they get caught trying to shut down the tracker. I wrote: “Now stupid chrome Captain Phasma is dumb.”

Rey and Kylo in throne room. 9. “My good and faithful apprentice, my faith in you is restored.” Snoke still sucks but this scene is good. 

Poe and Leia. 6. Poe stunned by Leia. He's a dumbass.

Leia and holdo bye. 7.  Didn't feel that much emotion here either. Rebels "escape" sneaking out the back. 

Throne room again. 7. Snoke is super all powerful mehhh. "I bridged your minds, I baited you all." Emperor 2. Just like Luke, Emperor, and Vader. Tired. 

Crait rebel base. 6. Send a signal to allies in Outer Rim. Holdo knew to get transports out. Hide until First Order passes. Poe: "that could work" mehhhhh.

Benicio Betrayal. 3. How did he know that the transports were happening? nobody else did. Ridiculous. Why are the bombs arcing!?!!?! TOO MUCH GRAVITY. THIS IS SPACE. 

Throne room again. 7. Snoke super all amazingly powerful evil amazing omg. so dumb. Andy Serkis overacting is not good. Kylo "turns" against Snoke. Snoke really ruins this scene.

Transports getting domo’d. 5.  Still meh!

Post-Snoke throne room battle. 10. It's fine. So much action. Not sure why Red Guards are scary really. Rey and Kylo kill all the red guards. TWIST! Kylo didn't actually turn! Old v New, not Light v Dark! Great stuff here. "Your parents sold you off for drinking money. They’re dead in a pauper's grave in the Jakku desert. You don't have a place in this story. You're nothing. But not to me. Join me. Please." I mean this is really interesting!!! This like light-dark love mixing here! The Rey-Kylo interactions in both movies have been great. 

Holdo’s sacrifice. 9. I mean OK holy shit, but why had nobody ever done it before? Beautifully shot, total quiet was very impactful as well. Good job on this, although potentially problematic for the greater Star Wars universe.

Finn vs. Phasma. 6. BB8 in an ATST? meh. Finn: "Let's go, chromedome." Phasma: "you're a bug in the system." Matrix callback! Bleh. another villain falls down a large chasm. Good riddance, Phasma. 

The New Supreme Leader. 6. The supreme leader is dead, long live the supreme leader, mehhhhhhhh.

The New Hoth. 5.  Rey and Rose sneak under the door, of course :( Miniaturized Death Star Tech. Battering ram cannon. Siiiiiiiiiigh. Ice foxes are cool I guess. We have now had a Death Star or a Death Star-like superweapon in all films except Episode 1.

Battle of Salt Hoth. 6.  Trench warfare. It’s salt, so it's OK that it looks just like Hoth! Everyone drive in straight lines right at the enemy, Yeah that's the ticket. Monoski, yea that's the ticket. It's pretty, at least. Remember at the beginning of the movie when they said it was “A dreadnought,” not the last one? Why not just bring a dreadnought to this situation and destroy the whole planet? Falcon + Chewie + Porg + Rey having fun again. The falcon goes into a mine that looks exactly like the Death Star 2 scaffolding and tie fighters follow...... sigh.

Finn tries to sacrifice. 3. Rose saves him from himself.... booooooo. And in the process basically kills herself... to save each other from .... the evil? By love? We're gonna win by not fighting what we hate but saving what we love! As the Death Star tech punches thru the door and she passes out. dumb dumb dumb. Could have given Finn a non-unidimensional redemption!

Luke and Leia. 6. “The galaxy has lost all its hope. The spark is out." I BET IT’S NOT! mehhhh. How many times do we have to do this in this movie? "nothing can change my mind." "it's over." the spark is out." Just kidding! Something Can/It's Not/No it isn’t! Here's Luke! zomg!

Luke faces down the First Order. 9. Very pretty. intense. Hux "do you think you got him?" is funny. Kylo's anger is good. Very pretty shots. Luke brushing dirt off his shoulder is good. Hux getting crushed to the wall is a good and funny joke.

Luke vs. Kylo. 9.  Luke no footprints on second viewing, hey, nice job guys! “Every word of what you just said, is wrong.” Good Luke line. Second time in the movie he’s said it to good effect. I like that. 

Escape! 7. Why wouldn't Luke have just told them, "Hey, I'm stalling, you escape?" Why make Poe figure it out? Rey lifts the rocks. Hooray Force. 

Luke was projecting!! He dies. 9. That was an emotional end. Well done. Sun setting. Good callback.

Resistance escapes. 7. Luke is gone, Rey and Leia talk, Finn and Rose, how do rebuild Rebellion from this, we have everything we need right here. Meh. Aaaaaand we're back where we started 9 movies ago.

Little kid has Force. 6. ...and Rose’s rebellion ring. Hooooookey. "The masses will rise up.” Once again... It's been 70 years and we're back where we started.

VERDICT: 

Given the score distribution, I was surprised to see that the stdev was not the highest of all the films - but I suppose Ep1 had both Jar-Jar and Darth Maul. With the sheer scene count, our histogram starts to approximate a normal distribution around 6. Which is sad. The outlier 9′s come to us because of the good Force-centric scenes with Kylo, Luke, and Rey (but not Snoke). The outlier 3′s come to us because of Dreadnoughts, Canto Bight, Poe, and Finn (bad storylines). 

Which brings us back to what I said before about this movie being great in its Force thread and bad everywhere else. When you calculate the scores for all scenes with any of Luke, Rey, and Kylo Ren, but nobody else, the average score is an 8.42. All other scenes average a 5.52. This movie had a very good story vein, set into a very bad plot structure. 

Perhaps the most damning verdict of all, however, is that I just don’t really care what happens next. I read one review which made the point that by this movie, the struggle between the Empire and the Rebellion has been going on openly for 70 years, and so little has changed. I noticed that, too. Death Stars have been built and destroyed and built again, destroying planets, narrowly missing the chance to destroy planets, and so on. Rebel forces have been against the wall and overwhelmed all odds to defeat an evil menace, only to find themselves under the menace’s thumb once again with historically instantaneous speed. Why is Leia still fighting? Maybe beyond the botox, this weariness is what kept me from connecting with her character or struggle at all. And no wonder nobody answered the call for help at the end of the film. 

Yes, Ep9 will have some inspiring uprising by a bunch of nobody’s, just like the climax of V for Vendetta, but how predictable, how uninspiring. Episode 9 - take it or leave it. And that’s the saddest realization of them all. 

REVIEW LINKS:

Introduction: Star Wars, a rediscovery.

Rogue One: 6.92 / 10.00 (stdev 2.06).

Episode 4: A New Hope. 8.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.34).

Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back. 8.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.29).

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. 5.00 / 10.00 (stdev 2.08). But probably worse than that, actually.

Episode 2: Attack of the Clones. 5.48 / 10.00 (stdev 2.07).

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. 7.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.77).

Episode 6: Return of the Jedi. 7.90 / 10.00 (stdev 1.91).

Episode 7: The Force Awakens. 6.57 / 10.00 (stdev 2.01).

Episode 8: The Last Jedi. 6.31 / 10.00 (stdev 1.89).

Verdict: Star Wars, A rediscovery.