#instability in childhood and explosive rage

[merrysithmas]

i see a lot of people speculate that john lennon had bipolar disorder but i dont think this is true (i think this is maybe the unclinical laymen viewpoint) but i think he definitely had borderline personality disorder instead

[uniquementalityrunaway3]

4th house in Aries

Okay, sooo.. I'll try my best on dissecting the 4th house in Aries! (I'll try my best to be as objective as possible) Severity, intencity or degree of effect differs, HOWEVER, it depics a good chunk of resonance.

Having Aries in the 4th house is like having a volcano at the heart of your home. It's where your roots are, your sense of belonging, your family, and your childhood experiences. But this isn't a sleeping volcano. It's active, volatile, and capable of unexpected eruptions.

▪️Upbringing?

Growing up with this placement and a exhausting maternal relationship might mean a childhood that was marked by conflict and instability. Arguments could have been explosive and hurtful, leaving lasting scars. Independence might have been forced upon you TOO SOON! and you likely learned to navigate emotional turmoil (on your own) .

▪️Relationship with the mother?

Your mother is likely someone strong-willed, impulsive, and possibly even emotionally unavailable or abusive. There might have been a lack of nurturing and support, replaced instead with criticism, control, or even neglect. The relationship is likely marked by deep pain, confusion, and a sense of profound disconnection.The bond is likely complex and loaded with pain, even if there are also moments of fierce loyalty or fleeting connection, you might struggle with feelings of anger, resentment, or a deep longing for the mother you never had.

▪️Home Life?

With Aries in the 4th and a difficult maternal relationship, home is probably not a sanctuary. It's more likely a place of tension and unpredictability. You might have felt the need to constantly be on guard, walking on eggshells to avoid triggering another outburst. There could be a lingering sense of unease, even in adulthood, making it hard to truly relax and feel safe in your own space.

🔻Perhaps she threw her own weight of expectations on you?

She might have projected her own unfulfilled dreams onto you, pushing you relentlessly to achieve, regardless of your own desires or limitations🤔

🔻Her anger might have raged and erupted without warning, leaving you constantly on edge, never knowing what might trigger the next outburst..

🔻Maybe she was simply absent, physically or emotionally, leaving you to fend for yourself in a world that felt cold and uncaring🤔?

⚫As a result of these, a number of symptoms developed due to the negative impacts :

Trust Issues: You might struggle to trust others, fearing that they'll hurt or abandon you just as your mother did

Difficulty with Intimacy: Opening up and letting others in can feel terrifying, as it risks exposing the vulnerability you've learned to hide

Anger and Resentment: You might carry a deep well of anger towards your mother, even if you also long for her love and approval.

Self-Worth Struggles: The constant criticism or neglect might have led to eating up your self-esteem, leaving you feeling unworthy and unlovable

▪️The Impact on Adulthood?

These early experiences can shape you into an adult who is fiercely independent, self-reliant, and guarded. You might have a strong survival instinct and a deep-seated need to protect yourself emotionally. You value your autonomy and may fiercely resist anything that feels controlling or manipulative. You're likely passionate and driven, but you might also struggle with trust, intimacy, and vulnerability.

🔺The potential wounded scar caused by the mother..

A strained or toxic relationship with your mother can leave a profound impact. You might carry feelings of unworthiness, abandonment, or a sense that you're fundamentally flawed. There could be a lingering fear of rejection or a tendency to recreate unhealthy dynamics in your (adult relationships), healing this wound requires immense courage and compassion, both for yourself and for the wounded child within you❤️

🔆 How to survive this 🔆

Healing from this kind of wound is a lifelong journey, but it's possible to rise from the ashes and create a life of your own choosing💛

🌟The key to resolving the challenges associated with this placement is to reclaim your power and forge your own path. Channel the pain into creating a life that is authentic, fulfilling, and free from the shadows of the past. Don't be afraid to set boundaries, seek healthy relationships, and prioritize your own well-being. Remember, your home is your sanctuary now, a place to cultivate safety, peace, and self-love.🌟

1.Reclaim your Power:

The first step is to ACKNOWLEDGE THE PAIN and recognize that you are NOT responsible for your (mother's behavior) . You have THE RIGHT to set boundaries and protect yourself from further harm.

Don't try to sugarcoat the pain. Allow yourself to feel the anger, hurt, or frustration without judgment.

2. Grieve the mother you didn't have.

It's okay to mourn that loss, even if she's still alive.. Somewhere in there. It doesn't diminish your love for her, but it acknowledges your pain.

3. Reparenting Yourself: Learn to give yourself the love, compassion, and validation you didn't receive as a child.

This takes time, but it's transformative.

4.Declutter and simplify. A chaotic environment fuels inner turmoil. Create a space that's calm and reflects your tastes, not anyone else's.

5.Establish rituals that ground you. Meditation, journaling, even just lighting a candle can help you reclaim your sense of peace.

6. Choose housemates (or partners) wisely. You need people who respect your need for both connection and autonomy.

7.Own your story. Don't let your past define you, but don't deny it either. It's part of what makes you unique and strong.

8.Forgive, but don't forget. Forgiveness is for you, not for them. It doesn't erase the past, but it frees you from carrying its weight.

9.Cultivate Inner Peace: While external adventures are fulfilling, don't neglect your inner world. Meditation, mindfulness, or spending time in nature can help balance the fire within.

10. Find Your Tribe: Surround yourself with people who DEEPLY UNDERSTAND and APPRECIATE your uniqueness. They will be your cheerleaders and your sounding boards as you navigate life's twists and turns.

🌟So, even with a difficult maternal relationship, the 4th house in Aries can still ignite a powerful spirit within you. It can be a tough journey i know, but it also gives you the strength and resilience to break free from the past and create a life that's truly yours. Just remember to be kind to yourself along the way. Healing takes time, and it's okay to ask for help when you need it. You deserve love, support, and a home that feels like a safe haven🧡✨

Your Thoughts+questions ❤️?

∘°∘♡∘°∘∘°∘♡∘°∘∘°���

ʀᴇʙʟᴏɢɢɪɴɢ ɪꜱ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ᴀᴘᴘʀᴇᴄɪᴀᴛᴇᴅ💗

∘°∘♡∘°∘∘°∘♡∘°∘∘♡

[rreskk]

TREVOR PHILIPS EXTENDED ANALYSIS

Trevor Philips…

Drug dealer, “international CEO”, son, brother, friend.

TW: -Self harm -Implied drug use -Childhood abuse

I’ve made a longer analysis of Trevor as a character (THIS ISN’T A FANFICTION). 

ENJOY!

Growing up in the Canadian region border of America, it has been portrayed that he has a complicated history surrounding family and mental illness. While it isn’t exactly proven (unless Trevor stated himself), his childhood had been the possible causes of his later behaviour and long-term issues. As for now, we see it as psychopathy, or as wiki would say “Intermittent Explosive Disorder” (impulsive behaviour and explosive temper that could lead to physical aggression). Others would argue that he suffers from borderline personality disorder, considering his struggle to contain stable relationships and is seen experiencing the main symptoms of what a person of BPD can have.

His childhood consisted of instability, financial stress, emotional damage, and physical abuse. Trevor mentioned his mothers constant absence to Lamar and Franklin during a friendly hangout. -“She came back, she left again, came back, left again…” The repeated cycle of his mother leaving, whether this was earlier or later in his teens, it would show the great affect it had on him, personally. Trevor made it clear about his abandonment issues during the storyline and dialogue. His whole idea of finding Michael was to fulfil the years of being abandoned and alone. Having experienced this instability for his childhood had took a toll on his emotional availability. The cravenness of reassurance, respect, presence, or just staying with him. However, his anger issues would make it harder for him to keep people around.

Trevor has also stated his anger management being poor since the beginning of his time. After having a conversation with Jimmy De Santa, he was asked when he knew what he wanted in life. It’s safe to say he had this psychotic mindset since birth, theoretically the result of his mother’s drug addict and poor lifestyle. -“I was pulling the legs off spiders, and I wanted more. I wanted to kill all the way up to the food chain until I hit top, the human being.” However, when being antagonised about this behaviour, he swiftly blames it on his childhood as Amanda would say: -“God, he is such a turd! That wounded childhood bullshit – we all had had shitty childhoods, you balding lump!” This same coping mechanism from Trevor is seen when being asked about his mother. We all know he has been through some verbal/emotional abuse as for his fear of talking about her. Trevor has never said anything negative about his mother despite complaining about his childhood… If someone dares speak her name, he’ll throw a fit, a rageful rant about respecting his mother, almost protecting the fact that she may be the reason for his tormented soul. The “Mrs Philips” mission towards the end of the game, we can see the emotional abuse he receives without doing anything wrong to deserve her bitterness. The constant insults and belittlement, Betty even demands Trevor to seek her medication and would not let him inside the trailer until it was finished. If this is bad enough during his adulthood, we can’t even imagine the mess he had to deal with during childhood. Nevertheless, his mother issues has inserted a particular taste in women throughout the years. -“Old women are to be cherished!” He'd say during a strangers and freaks mission. His calm behaviour towards Patricia and any lady in general would suggest his utter respect (or secret fear). He craves female attention and a maternal dependence. If we look at this closely, we may understand how the lack of maternal attachment between the first few years of his life (0-5 years) would influence his later decision to grow attachments to the wrong people, and the wrong things. (This is called attachment theory- psychological theory). Trevor’s mother may have missed most of his early childhood for financial gain (her stripping, prostitution, etc), and therefore left Trevor with whoever she had at home, his brother and some of his step-dads. Occasionally he was left alone.

Moving on to his difficult relationship with fathers in general, we can understand that the physical abuse he gets from the men in his past would influence his behaviour to men in the future and present. Trevor had grew up being physically abused and dominated, almost tricking his mind into exacting himself into the repeated cycle, turning into the abuse he got and aims the intensions to weaker men (Ron, Floyd, Wade) to fill in that insecurities he got from his biological and step-fathers. Although a father figure isn’t as important to a maternal figure, it did affect his perspectives and made his anger issues worse, especially (I can’t exactly remember the source) when Trevor’s biological father abandoned him in a shopping mall (that he later burnt down in retaliation). Being let down by many older figures had made him dependent on people in the future, people who have a stand in power with Trevor, someone who is able to balance and handle his anger (Michael and Franklin).

It has also been stated that his brother, Ryan, had died of unnatural causes. Elements of Trevor’s words would convince us that he had something to do with it considering they hadn’t of gotten along well enough… To live. However, there is not much information surrounding his brother during this time.

His education is flawed (dropping out before graduating) and being expelled due to the aggressive nature. Trevor had moved all over Canada and had been switched between care homes, trailers, schools, prisons all throughout growing up. However, he has surprising gains in mathematics and can workout sums within a second, and with full accuracy. Trevor is able to process mathematical problems fast, as Wade would say: -“He’s very good with numbers.” Furthermore, the lack of grammar and overall English makes him improvise during speeches and messages. Trevor always speaks metaphorically, he hyperbolises a lot, uses imaginative scenarios to engage the people around him. (Sometimes manipulating – extremely, to get his point across… even if it doesn’t make sense).

“I was a drifter up by the border, wandering from truck stop to truck stop, recently out of the military… Huffing gas, fucking people over, killing, eating, whatever.” Trevor’s discharge from the military was caused by the detached and restrained relationship with his mother. Psychologically, maternal dependence and relationships determines someone’s emotional strengths and depth… Trevor mentioned during an online heist that the therapist who was determining his worth would constantly try and talk about his mother, resulting in an episode which… Eventually led to his discharge (thanks to his anger issues). His dreams to fly planes would crush and Trevor would be left drifting around the Midwest, utterly defused and emotionally damaged. That’s until he meets Michael, and then Brad.

2004, the prologue. We can consider Trevor’s experience to be titled as “survivors guilt”. His loyalty and partnership with both Michael and Brad was cut off after they both unexpectedly got shot. Trevor lived with the guilt of seeing his best friends die, thinking he could of done something… But Michael had obviously told him to save himself, resulting in the 9 years of isolation and depression. He was unknown of Michael’s plan to escape the criminal aspects, feasting the money for himself, the money Trevor couldn’t access as his identity was blown. Imagining that Trevor had to shave his hair and beard just to pass the radar of his North Yankton wanted posters, he had to skip towns without money, and impressively invested a meth business, earning a good load to make him… Well, wealthy. His mother had been absent for years after being imprisoned (as it was mentioned through story-mode), leaving Trevor to be living in Sandy Shores with a successful rising drug business, but with the shame of his past abandonment and lawful struggles to keep his morality clean… Obviously his modesty being destroyed by the abuse of drugs and alcohol (his damaging coping mechanisms).

Unsuspecting Michael being alive, it was a total shock for him to see the news, a potential copycat… Yet Trevor knew. Trevor’s intuition was strong, always have been strong. Throughout the gameplay, Trevor has odd intelligence and senses. He can tell when something doesn’t fit and he’ll suddenly click. He can understand situations faster than most people. He caught eyes with Davey and he knew him. He first saw Michael after 9 years and knew he was lying. After some convincing… Michael’s denials had led Trevor to realise that Brad’s imprisonment was also a lie. It seems that although Trevor takes on the worse from his experiences, he also earns himself the skill to predict and understand unfolding events. He can attack and approach situations, while impulsively, but effectively.

Further notes: Trevor’s coping mechanisms would include niche drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, aggression, self-harm, and isolation. He finds himself deeply attached to women in general, often exploiting himself by seeing many prostitutes and masturbating to pornography daily. This would be the result of his mother’s absence and abuse… Nevertheless, he engulfs in self-harm (hitting his head, biting, scratching, etc) as a way to defuse his self-hatred (as he always saw himself as the problem… Thanks to his childhood again). His suicidal tendencies is pretty obvious throughout the gameplay.

[ainosukes-sadism]

Okay so one of my mutuals made a post a week or something ago about how people view ADAM's connection with Langa as him having romantic feelings, while it is actually Langa being ADAM's special person, a phenomenon common to those with Borderline Personality Disorder. But a lot of people on this site don't really understand BPD (which is understandable, it's a stigmatized disorder not really talked about in terms other than 'yandere disorder'), so here's an analysis on how ADAM fits the criteria, and what they are.

Cut because length. tw for discussions of trauma, suicide & suicidal ideation, and self-harm, and mentions of drugs.

First off, Borderline Personality Disorder is a cluster b personality disorder (which all have trauma as a major contributor to getting the disorder). If I were to put one word to it, I would pick "disconnect". Disconnect from identity (not knowing who you are), disconnect from your emotions (not feeling them, or not being able to regulate or control them), disconnect from people (having difficulty keeping long-term connections with people, but also have difficulty letting go of connections). People with borderline often had unstable childhoods, which left them disconnected from their true selves (that weren't molded by those around them from a young age) and the world around them.

There are 9 main criteria of Borderline Personality Disorder, and a person needs 5 to have the disorder. They also need to be 18 to be diagnosed, although symptoms usually start in adolescence.

List of criteria was pulled from here. There's some more info, so I recommend reading if this post interests you.

1. Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

~Adam doesn't seem to present this symptom.

2. Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

~If his relationship with Tadashi doesn't prove it I don't know what does. He goes from loving Tadashi as a child and teen, to thinking Tadashi is his worst enemy a moment later, to trusting him more then anyone, to hating him again, to loving Tadashi again (Tadashi doesn't seem to mind the instability, but you can't deny it's there).

3. Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

~It isn't super clear who Adam is himself. As Ainosuke, he's just a puppet of his aunts'. At S, he's letting loose all the subconscious pain he has. We get a glimpse into it at the end of the finale, but it isn't clear who Adam really is yet, and he might not know either. So it's a possible symptom, but one we can't say for certain given that we can't read his mind.

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

~Just. Everything he does at S is reckless and self destructive. He hurts the people trying to help him, he risks killing himself just to maybe feel something, there's no way he doesn't fit this symptom.

5. Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

~It's unclear whether or not he intends to harm himself, or simply doesn't care about himself. It's most likely the latter, but a possible symptom.

6. Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

~Hoo boy. He goes from content smoking, to gloating about his superiority, to hurting people, to humiliation, to extreme rage, to sort of... unbothered the next day. It's possible he's masking some of it, but he definitely has mood swings.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

~Throughout the show, the main plot is that most of the time he feels empty, and only really feels something when he's skating in the zone, especially when he's connected with his Eve (who most likely is his word for special person).

8. Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

~His attack on Cherry. His final beef with Reki. His fight with Tadashi after realizing he joined the tournament. He definitely has a short fuse.

9. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

~It can't be said for certain if he dissociates or not, but he was definitely paranoid about Tadashi abandoning him. However, this is a somewhat isolated incident, so it can't be said for certain if he fits the criteria.

So, it's proven he fits 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, & 8, and it's possible but not provable he fits 5 & 9. However, 6 clear symptoms are enough to prove that he has Borderline.

Now. I'm not saying that he's a perfect person--far from it. While his disorder makes him less in control of his actions, he still has to be responsible for them. But this should at least be enough to show a little more consideration.

[affcgato-archived]

magesterium // fandom verse

FINAL FANTASY XII. Jonathan is an Archadian Judge Magister, tasked with guarding one of the noble houses in Archadia. Formerly charged with exploration of the Empire's reaches, Jonathan returned to Archadia heavily affected by the MIST.

tag: → jonathan morgenstern // magesterium (v. — ffxii)

678 OV, Jonahan ('Bastien') Morgenstern of House Morgenstern was born to Judge Magister Valentine & his Rabanastran wife. He showed exceptional talent from an early age, partially owing to both his own innate talents & the Occurian blood-influence Valentinos bartered for before his birth. His talents were notable enough that he was made a judge at 17, after he witnessed the failed uprising of the Emperor’s oldest-born sons. He watched how it was cut down & they were executed for treason. At the time, he was unaware of his father’s role in orchestrating this uprising.

A year later, he was sent away on extended military training exercises to survey the arias Jagd territories. It was during that time his talents were made even more apparent, alongside his inherent brutality as the Mist in those territories boosted his abilities through his blood-connection to the Occuria.

He was supposed to spend two years surveying each territory, but given what was discovered during his survey of the Jagd Diforhr, his work was cut short & he returned to Archades with Doctor Cid in 700 OV where he was granted the title of JUDGE MAGISTER, becoming the youngest Magister in Archadian history.

Upon his return to Archades, Jonathan was visibly changed from his exposure to the pervasive Mist of the Jagds. As others outside of himself & Cid could not see Venat, there were rumors he’d gone entirely mad, talking to himself & acting out in violent, unpredictable bursts as the defected nethicite he’d been exposed to slowly drove him insane over the next four years.

Despite this, he became close with another Judge during this time — an old childhood friend turned lover who he coaxed into leaving the judicial life as the Mist took a deeper hold of him. Watching Ffamran leave him behind was harder than enduring Cid’s continued experimentation, so he sought out distraction after distraction to keep him occupied. He stayed suspended in this limbo until Judge Zecht unleashed the power of the Midlight Shard in Nabudis.

The Midlight Shard's power discharged in a massive explosion that turned Nabudis& surrounding environs to rubble, sinking the land & creating a thick mist to fill the valley that resulted in many dangerous monsters moving into what was left. The area became a no-man's-land known as the Necrohol of Nabudis & Nabreus Deadlands. The Midlight Shard, its power expended, was retrieved & handed off to Cid, & with its depletion, Jonathan finally started to rein himself back in & keep himself largely under control.

Without the influence of the Midlight Shard & its Mist, Jonathan’s usefulness to Cid’s research lessened. He was given the duty of protecting one of the other noble Archadian families - a young charge of rising importance, & largely left to his own devices until a certain sky-pirate caught to reclaim some of his own hidden treasure.

verse-specific headcanons

Jonathan was born in OV 678 to an Archadian Judge & his Rabanastran wife. Jocelyn left Archadia to return to Rabanastre with Clarissa shortly before the little girl was to be born.

Jonathan doesn't have a relationship with his sister because of ths. Jonathan's preferred weaponry is swords. He has a broadsword, as well as two short swords. When he's out of his judge's armor, he uses the shorter blades more often.

His blood is laced with Occurian blood, giving him an edge in combat but also near-uncontrollable rage.

He was made a judge at 17, & a judge magister at 22 after returning from surveying the jagd diforhr with Dr. Cid.

His exposure to deifacted nethicite has both enhanced his abilities & driven him to a point of near instability. He can see & converse with Venat, as well, because of this.

He only started regaining control over himself after the Midlight Shard was exended over Nabudis.

Jonathan retains his ability to cook, but has little to no use for it in this verse.

[nomnomsentourage]

since i haven’t talked abt my headcanons 4 the others i thought i’d post ‘em here under the cut!! i also keep ‘em on my headcanons page which gets updated when new info comes out

grizz!!  🏀

has adhd and changes focus pretty quickly unless it’s somethin he’s hyperfixating on, in which case good luck getting him to shush

has depression stemming from his childhood - overperforms (class clown syndrome) to compensate for his lack of affection + sense of belonging

gay, but sometimes gets crushes on girls ‘cuzza compuls. heterosexuality + a need to fit in. also just very intimidated by how cool and fun to be around girls are and gets feelings confused

a very good and sweet boy, 10/10 deserves hugs

native canadian in the human au!

panda~ ✨

big ole case of social anxiety, never really learned how to talk to people as a kid so had to force himself how to learn and comes off very unnatural

avpd - very nervous to be in challenging situations, especially social ones where stakes of embarrassment are high. avoids confrontation

pansexual (because how can you not make that pun), leans more towards girls at the mo bc of a media-induced idea of romance, but has far more intense and real (and healthy) emotional connections with boys

trans boy whom his brothers would die 2 protect

chinese w/ vitiligo in the human au!

ice bear. ❄️

autistic, selectively nonverbal, has meltdowns from overstimulation (misophonia) and social pressure. special interest for white/albino animals

bpd, sometimes becomes frantic and lashes out when he feels his relationship with others is unstable. can be quite wreckless with his safety

bi. polar. bipolar. likes men + woman equally but is very quiet about his romance life. a complete mystery to his brothers. masculine agender

precious younger brother who is also the mom friend

mixed russian/inuit w/ albinism (white hair + purple eyes) in the human au!

chloe 📚

autistic too so gets along well with ice bear! a spec. interest in aquiring knowledge + doing experiments. stims by playing with her sleeves

has ocd: if the work she’s putting out isn’t her best, she’d rather put out nothing at all. very very anxious over being misread or underestimated

still figuring things out identity-wise, but likes the nonbinary label! too invested in her studies for romance at the moment though

the smallest human ice bear has ever seen. extremely important

korean but y’all been knew

charlie 🏞️

paranoia which started out as a natural response to being stalked but gradually delved into irrational triggers and extreme generalized stress

ptsd from centuries of hunting attempts, occasionally has flashbacks and nightmares about his experiences with run-ins with humans

doesn’t know/care about labels due to his detachment from society, but if you had to pick he’d be gay and gender nonconforming (outside binary)

struggles socially but has the biggest heart!!!! an amazing friend

native american in the human au!

ranger tabes 🦌

seasonal affective disorder - loves nature all year round, but gets bursts of depression and instability around the peaks of summer and winter

agoraphobia - becomes overwhelmed by certain environments, particularly crowded small stores. much prefers being alone in the woods

very openly a butch lesbian! is often patronized and deemed inadequate by her men coworkers but sticks it to ‘em by doing a far better job

very loud and passionate about what/who she cares about!!!

mixed brazillian/white

nom nom 🎥

intermittent explosive disorder - has fits in which the aggression and rage is disproportionate to the provocative stimuli. secretly very ashamed of it

narcissistic pd - obsessed with his image and making sure he’s in his best form, terrified to death of criticism and gets overly defensive with bad fans

androgynous and occasionaly experiments with a more feminine look, gay but still in the early stages of figuring that out 

absolute stink man. terrible. rude boy. but a work in progress!

descended from aboriginal australians

human designs! subject to constant change haha. (feel free to draw if you’d like!)

other misc headcanons:

zhao is also a lesbian, has had boyfriends but none of whom worked out. she’s very judgemental and harsh but it ultimately stems from insecurity

lucy isn’t entirely binary and dates both genders but no labels yet. she works part time as a special needs teacher in elementary schools

when charlie and tabes meet they form a bond over their love for nature and passionately advocate for animal protection. after researching animal treatment, environment, worker and health issues, they start an animal product excluding diet/lifestyle, along with panda (and the other bros, too, who do as much as they can while still fitting in their dietary needs as bears)

nom nom and panda form a surprising bond after sharing their guilt about how they’ve treated their best friends. panda eventually drags him into nerd hell. they argue about which shows are best (all are trash) and shop at claire’s and hot topic together

chloe and ice bear, among many other things, compose music together and write their own songs using acoustics, acapella and midi keyboards (which mostly sound like louie zong’s). they have a joint soundcloud

panda and clifford regularly hang out and play video games together. they’ve been to comic cons (with bags packed full of inhalers and meds) and cosplayed together. clifford’s record best day of his life was when panda took him to get a poster signed by a voice actor

grizz has the biggest crush on t-pain and really connects with how sensitive he is regarding criticism. t’s attitude of rising above hate despite varying opinions on his work is what inspired grizz to go public with crowbar jones in the first place. he very nearly almost died of excitement on that concert night

ice bear has had a past of stealing to support his brothers - never from any small businesses, just from stuck up brand stores that poison their leftovers. nowadays he works a variety of part time jobs to keep the family afloat (too many close calls with the law) but keeps quiet about it as to not burden them. he’s also a pretty popular regular at several dance classes

[lighttheabyss]

v; Abyss and Reason

Khaida’s default verse ALWAYS intertwines with @reasoningruffles‘s default verse

Khaida Ahmahno was born in the Urth’s Gift area to the leader of a Keeper village and her merchant ‘mate’. Though her parentage was odd [seeing as her father was the only male her mother would have kittens with], her mother raised her fairly traditionally. Khaida railed against the norm, however, taking to magic more than the bow. Her closest friend growing up was a half-Keeper, half-Seeker ‘cousin’ named Brodi’a, and when he left the village, she grew ever more troublesome for her mother. She spent more and more time with her father, seeing the parts of the Shroud beyond their little villages.

Eventually, she and her mother had a falling out involving her magic and her refusal to bring kittens into a post-Calamity world, and she took to the life of an adventurer, becoming a part of the Thaumaturgy Guild in Ul’dah and rising up as a star pupil to the Coco brothers. From there...she began herr path to becoming one of the famed ‘Warriors of Light’.

Canon Classes

THM/BLM: Follows THM and BLM storylines.

ARC: Does not follow storyline, was raised learning the art of hunting with a bow.

ACN/SCH: Does not follow storyline, learned it in her quest to know as much magic as she can. Fairy is named Chrysanthemum.

AST: Follows storyline. Has the AST Anima weapon.

CNJ: Knows a small amount, does not follow storyline.

RDM: Follows storyline.

DRK: Does not follow storyline. Is not ‘canon’ DRK, as it is a version that allows her to ‘vent’ voidtaint.

MCH: Picked it up shortly after @reasoningruffles, was extremely curious about the way it mixed magic and machinery.

Must Know Events

Down into the Black: After the events of 3.2, Khaida cast aside her BLM soulstone and weapon and focused solely on healing magics and MCH; the losses piling up were too much for her to handle. However, this meant the voidtaint on her soul from her Mhachi ancestor had no way to vent, and it kept building and building [the Shadow of Mhach events did not help at all]. She kept her growing instability and the ‘cracks’ on her skin hidden from others. It all came to a head during 3.5; she found out her childhood friend [recently reunited with] was a pawn of the Ascians, the Wall happened, and then Dun Scaith’s events [especially when @diabclos is involved] lead to her having a very violent and explosive breakdown that had the same ancestor who was the source of the voidtaint knocking her ass out. For a few months, Khaida was in the care of her ancestor and the Stillglade Fane while she and Brodi’a [now Brody] were recovering. Khaida was part of the meetings in 3.55, but not the trip to awaken Omega. Oh did she feel the fight between Omega and Shinryu, though, being extremely aether-sensitive at the time.

Bearer of the Ame-no-Habakiri: After Zenos’ suicide, Khaida was handed the temperamental blade Yotsuyu had gifted him from the Red Kojin’s treasure vault. Of all the Scions, Khaida was the one with the best bet to keep it under control, and keep it out of the Empire’s hands. Though the ‘recovered’ Zenos wields a replica, Khaida uses the real thing as her DRK weapon, reminding it that she is the one in control and that her void-tainted aura will always overpower its.

Important NPCs

Kahzu Ahmahno: Khaida’s mother, who she has slowly been repairing her relationship with. A very stubborn woman who is slowly letting go of her xenophobic ways after truly seeing the state the world is in after the Calamity, and all her daughter has done and given up for the world. Pale skinned, short black hair, dark blue eyes. Dresses very practically in dark colors.

Kenj’a Cohrce: Khaida’s father, and head of the merchant caravan known as The Swan’s Sundries. Tall for a Keeper [around 6′], shares Khaida’s darker skin and ice blue eyes, has black hair he keeps short and slicked back with some grey streaked through it because of his age. Keeps clean-shaven, is a little on the ‘pudgy’ side, dresses in a manner that is both practical and shows he’s done well for himself as a merchant. He and Khaida are close, and he’s likely to ‘Dad’ on anyone she’s close to. [He’s also very protective of @theleglesscoward, and kicks himself for not pulling the boy into his caravan before he could fall to the fate he did.]

Kimhi Ahmahno: Khaida’s younger sister, and the one most likely to take her place as ‘heir’ of the clan. They’re still talking about it.

Uigite: Khaida’s direwolf pup who....isn’t exactly a pup anymore. He’s very definitely tamed, however, and is a sweetheart so long as you aren’t trying to harm his people. Be warned, however; despite his size, he’s convinced he’s still a lapdog.

Moh Esh: Khaida...somewhat accidentally adopted this young dragonet during an excursion to the Churning Mists after Niddhog’s defeat. It’s certain that Moh Esh is of Niddy’s brood, but the curious little one was not drowned in his sorrow and rage. They’re intent on staying away from this ‘gender nonsense’, and can be found in their true form or running around pretending to be an androgynous little miq’itten.

Quartz: The spirit of Khaida’s anima weapon, Quartz is rarely far from Khaida, and is a sweet little thing, if quite a bit curious about how battles and wars work.

Chrysanthemum: Khaida’s fairy, a sweet thing with none of her memories. Was likely a brand new fairy brought into being shortly before the War.

Íomhá Neamhní: Khaida’s ancestor who slept in stasis for many, many years. She was Mhachi, and a voidmage who reached too far into the Black and came away from it voidtainted. She’s the one who found a way for Khaida to vent large amounts of voidtaint from her body, and brought her to heel when her taint went out of control. She likes to fluster Khaida by asking her when she’s getting more descendants.

Important Relationships with other Characters Universal in this Verse

@reasoningruffles​/Gracie Sournois: Gracie is Khaida’s ‘wind and sky’, the first person to wiggle into her heart after leaving the Shroud, the one she first was able to truly say ‘I love you’ to. Gracie is an important part of Khaida’s life, enough that they have had a Ceremony of Eternal Bonding, and anyone becoming romantically involved with Khaida must understand that Gracie is always going to be a part of Khaida’s life.

Thancred: Khaida started in Ul’dah, and as such Thancred was ‘her Scion’. He was the one who extended the offer of joining the Scions to her, who saw her start from the beginning. She does harbor romantic affections for him along with the platonic, though whether those are returned or not depends on Thanny’s player.

The Coco Brothers: Khaida is intensely protective of her teachers and their youngest brother, after all they’ve been through.

Nanamo ul Namo: Khaida is loyal to the Sultana, and even though she still bristles at much of Ul’dah after the Bloody Banquet, she still remains extremely loyal to the Sultana and the Flames.

The BLM Quest Folks: Again, after all they’ve been through, Khaida is intensely protective of them.

Minfilia: Khaida is just as loyal to Minfi and her cause as she is to Nanamo. 3.2 hurt.

Alphinaud: Khaida sees him as a younger brother, and is extremely nervous with him being gone after 4.3.

The Crown Gemworks: These are her ‘children’, you will not harm them or she will end you. aka, she takes having been their mentor VERY SERIOUSLY.

Haurchefant Greystone: He smiled at her when she was still hurting and angry, and she will never, ever forget that. Losing him was a blow that started her downfall in 3.5.

The Fortemps: They’re a second family to her, and she dearly loves her adoptive father and brothers. Even if Emmy makes her SIGH HEAVILY sometimes.

Stephanivien de Haillenarte: Like Haurchefant, he was a much needed ray of sunshine at just the right time. He is still one of the people she’s most likely to go hide with after something has gone wrong.

Joye Ninefaces: JOYE IS A GODSDAMNED DELIGHT AND KHAIDA WILL PUNCH ANYONE JOYE HASN’T ALREADY SHOT HERSELF.

AST Storyline folks:....Have I mentioned Khaida is protective over people she cares about? Even Janne.

Ships at Current

My Wind and Sky: @reasoningruffles [exists in tandem with ALL OTHER SHIPS in this verse]

Distractions: @roguishbard

And All The Heavens: @libertatearchitecto, @alandeathweaver, & @exscientiavir

[Khaida IS open to more ships, as chemistry is a thing and I long ago stopped trying to tell my character where her heart is going. Keep in mind, however, that her ship with Gracie is always going to be a thing.]

[gch1995]

Seriously, like this idea that so many fans have about the Jedi Order being a “benevolent found family” is absolutely bullshit. Yes, they had good intentions and they are obviously better than the Sith. No, I don’t think they deserved to all be murdered by Anakin Skywalker turning to the dark side and becoming Palpatine’s/Sidious’ apprentice Darth Vader.

That doesn’t mean they weren’t an emotionally abusive and negligent cult that seriously damaged Anakin Skywalker and like every other child they took in under their care in the prequel era, though. They took in a little boy from a slave background, who’s entire sense of self-worth had been based around clinging to and forming close bonds with his mother and the other oppressed people in his community on Tattooine to fight together against abusive and oppressive authority figures, separated him from those people from the age of 9. Then, they told him he couldn’t form those close attachments anymore, or fight for the impoverished and enslaved underdogs of society anymore in their Republic that claimed to be serving “the greater good” (of the upper and middle classes in their region). They made Anakin apologize to kids in the temple who bullied him for missing his mother and his friends back home on Tattooine. They told him to just “get over” completely valid feelings of anger, fear, and loneliness because they were “dangerous” when handling lethal weapons like the force and lightsabers, rather than teaching him how to deal with coping with those emotions by encouraging him to release them in a healthy cathartic manner every time he tried to reach out for their advice and support when he felt them. They allowed and encouraged for him to talk to the shady Chancellor Palpatine alone from the age of 12 at the bizarre old man’s request several times over the next 11 years when he was with them for their own purposes of the the “greater good” and stupidly suspected nothing could go wrong because of that. Then, they told this little boy he couldn’t trust Palpatine after allowing for them to develop a friendship for their own purposes. They expected for Anakin to just be able to handle learning how to use lethal weapons like a lightsaber the force with all of these fucked up restrictions and rules with his background without turning them into weapons of mass destruction as unhealthy coping mechanisms to release all those pent up negative emotions they told him were “dangerous.”

I wouldn’t be as hard on the Jedi Council if it had only been Anakin who turned to the dark side because of Yoda’s fucked up system, but he wasn’t the first one to fall to the dark side because of it. His fall just had the biggest explosion because he had the strongest power of the force combined with the most pent up rage and emotional/mental instability. However, Dooku, Maul, and Xanthos had all fallen to the dark side because of their disillusionment in Yoda’s fucked up system before Anakin, too, so it’s not like the has has this understandable reason to be so disappointed and shocked over this young man’s fall to the dark side when this has happened to at least three other students of his before who knew nothing else outside of life as a Jedi.

They separated these kids from their families and friends from infancy-preschool, restricted them from outside activities, friends, hobbies, occupations, made them feel bad for wanting to be valued as individuals rather than weapons to their order, made them feel bad for having negative emotions, and told them they couldn’t get married and have kids.

The only Jedi who ever made any fucking sense was Luke Skywalker and that’s only because he had a healthy, full, and normal stable childhood that was conducive to him growing up to have any sort of emotional/mental stability and a strong sense of faith in his autonomy and his own personal values before getting involved with the Jedi as an adult. This is why he was the only one to have the courage to call out Yoda, Obi Wan, his father, and Sidious on their bullshit “no attachment” and “dark side” propaganda to stand up and do what he knew was right to save his family and friends. If he’d been in his dad’s shoes as a kid with the Jedi, he would have probably ended up turning to the dark side too because he also was emotional, attracted to the dark side, skeptical of the Jedi Council’s rules, and valued close attachments to family and friends.

look, the Jedi code that forbids love doesn’t just forbid possessive love or selfish love. It forbids love, period. It’s an important plot point, and while it casts the Jedi in a pretty bad light, it’s actually supposed to do that. Non-film media that tried to retconn that love is allowed and non-attachment is actually just healthy boundaries misses the point in order to produce a less-nuanced story where the Jedi order is unambiguously heroic.