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perspectives2-28-blog-blog · 4 years ago

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Here Goes Nothing

Writing used to bring me peace

It’s been a tumultuous decade. Long story short, I lost side of myself: what I want, what I like, and what my boundaries are. I put my energy into the wrong things and lost side of what is important. In an effort to find something I’ve lost, I’m turning to something I know.

Writing doesn’t come easily to everyone; and for those of us that have a knack for it, there’s a tiny nuisance called inspiration that really makes or breaks the whole thing.

Writing without inspiration is like...well, homework. Very few people WANT to do the things they HAVE to do. I believe when your list of “have to-dos” exceeds your list of “want to-dos”, you’ve officially crossed over into adulthood. Or at least that’s the horrible stigma that comes with actually BEING an adult.

Before we actually get there, to adulthood, it seems like there’s nothing else to look forward to. Then, after we become adults, we come to the horrible realization that this was NOT the thing to look forward to. In reality, having responsibilities is trash.

As much as I like having the freedom to do “whatever I want”, I rarely get to do whatever I want.

The truth is, I’m only 28 (freshly turned over two months ago) and I already sound like I'm 82.

I could blame my tainted outlook on any number of things. Perhaps if this pandemic never happened I would have had that opportunity. But here I am, here many of us are, stuck with ourselves, day in and day out. Forced to put ourselves under the microscope like I personally haven’t had to do in a very long time, maybe ever. I thought I knew myself pretty well, after all I spend everyday in this ---forsaken body. Turns out I don’t know jack shit; about myself or wtf I want.

The silver lining would ultimately be that “I’m not alone” or “that’s what your twenties are for!”. Yet however silver and long that lining may be, it will always be exactly that: a lining. A buffer keeping me from getting to the root of the things for which I have been making excuses.

The time I have wasted before this point will never be returned to me. Those days lost sleeping or fucking around when I could have been making money or art or food or love or a difference!- are now part of the menagerie of memories that occludes my mind, keeping me from moving forward.

I have been walking around in this sad dream (aka my life) like one of those zombies from “The Walking Dead”- stuck on autopilot until something shiny catches my attention. And for a second having an urge almost makes me feel alive. But then the shiny thing goes away, and my useless zombie brain reverts my body back into autopilot so that I can meander aimlessly throughout this desolate wasteland until either something kills me or the world ends.

And it’s NO ONE’S fault but my own. I’m still lacking in self awareness, but I’m awake enough to feel that being a zombie is ass.

One of the greatest difficulties of being human is making choices. Even when we make choices they are NOT always the right ones, or even the ones that are better for us. We can be wrong- so very, very wrong sometimes. In fact- humans can be gruesome, selfish, morbid, stubborn, vengeful, and mean.But they can also be creative, selfless, uplifting, compromising, benevolent and kind. For those that the latter half of the list may not come easily, there’s a tiny nuisance called inspiration that can really make or break the whole thing. People can be inspirational just as they are frustrating. And if inspiration can motivate me to sit and write all this self revealing crap down then I can be inspired to get off of my ass and wake the fuck up. Stop going through the motions and start deciding which motions I do and do not wish to make.

Indifference has been detrimental to me. I, as an aspiring successful human, cannot afford to be indifferent any longer- towards myself, towards others, and towards the world.

We all have things we are or choose to be indifferent to. I believe our selective indifferences is what got us “here” (wherever “here” is for you) in the first place. And although “here” looks very different for all of us, it would be foolish to ignore that most of us are not happy “here”; myself included.

That brings me here, to this space. A space I intend to use to charter the progress of my journey through and to un-indifference. And on this commencement day- I vow to myself to actively cease any indifferent thoughts, acts, words or notions.

#inspirepositivechange

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