#inspired by my daily delusions

[xrag-dollx]

𝑩Ü𝑪𝑲 𝑫𝑰𝑪𝑯 (𝑩𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓)

~ Kai Anderson x fem!reader

SUMMARY: Reader gets humiliated by Kai after he failed his night of a thousand tates. Reader's getting punished for it.

WORD COUNT: 1,980

WARNINGS: smut, rough and unprotected sex, public sex, knife play, Kai being a dominant ass :) (not requested if you're under 18!)

A/N: got inspired by Rammstein's song "Bück dich!" sooo I had to write something Kai related (he gives me huge Rammstein vibes ngl) Also this is my first ever Evan character fic 🙃

"Bück dich", befehl ich dir Wende dein Antlitz ab von mir Dein Gesicht ist mir egal Bück dich"

"Bend over! is what I command you

Turn your face away from me

I do not care about your face

bend over!"

The last days were hard for you, at least being together with Kai. He had no success in his upcoming disaster for his „night of a thousand Tates“, so he had to re-think his strategy. It was quite time consuming for him to re-construct a whole new plan and, of course, nerve-wrecking. So he was treating you basically like an object for the past few days. Yet, you got used to it. Was there a desire inside of you to burn him alive? Yes. Do you still love him? Yes. But you just couldn’t let go of him. You just didn’t really know why. Was it because he was so charismatic? So damn attractive? He had you with a flick of his wrist the first time you saw him…

 It was last summer as he held one of his public speeches for his election as a councillor. You were immediately hypnotised by his whole presence, the way he spoke, the way he gestured along his speech…he was simply mesmerizing. You believed every single word of his, everything he made up. That’s when you fell down a spiral of delusions. He made you feel better, he promised you a successful life, actually being worthy! But now, you’re just worthless…

He was dragging you by your hair downstairs his basement as you went on all fours, crawling down the cold and creaking stairs. This will surely leave some bruises on your knees, but as if that wasn’t just the beginning of Kai’s fit of rage.

„SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!“

He yelled at you as he violently tucked your hair by every line he spoke. The immense pain on your scalp was running through your every nerve of your body, as far as you still had some and your nerve system didn’t go numb yet by the pain you received on a daily basis. Tears of pain and inner rage were streaming down the sides of your eyes, leaving stains of black mascara on each side of your cheeks. You went silent completely, as you weren’t quite sure if he’d kill you in the next moment. You couldn’t help but let out a few huffs as your teeth clenched to restrain the pain.

Tears blurred your sight as he dragged you to the middle of the room as you got surrounded by his followers wearing their silly clownmasks. Kai chuckles in amusement, his head was tilted to the side as he looks at you with a dirty grin…

„Look at her... Such a dirty, little whore…you get what you deserve. After all, you’re the reason we failed the night of a thousand Tates. You’ll pay for that...“

You kneeled onto the wooden floor as your head was hanging down. You remained silent.  You just wanted to avoid to look at Kai nor his filthy followers. Just puppets of Kai‘s and victims of their pitiful selves…

„Now… wanna give me an explanation?“

Kai looked at you… you could feel his impatience was roaming the room. Tension was building up. But you refused to speak. Not even a minute was passing by and Kai pulled your head up by your hair in an instant, as he forcefully made you look at him.

„Our whore isn’t speaking…hmh…“

He threw you onto the floor as you were sobbing and still refusing to talk to him.

„Suit the action to the word, the word to the action!“

Kai spoke out as he raised his hand and snapped with his fingers as madness was coming over him…

„Chair!“

Kai demanded as one of his followers handed him a chair as he was placing it in the middle of the dimmed room as light spots shone from the ceiling, giving it an oppressive atmosphere.

He took a sit. The silence was so thick, it could be cut with a knife. It exchanged the oxigen you needed to breathe. He pulled you up by your hair as you grunted, he pulled you over his lap, your blank ass facing him as it got exposed by your lose skirt. You could feel the dimmed light beaming down as it was just right above you, it made you feel like you were an exhibit in a museum. It made you uncomfortable. So did the followers, standing around Kai and you in a circle like mannequins, as if they were about to stare holes into your flesh.

„You won’t speak…so this will be your misery you’ve put yourself in.

You could feel how Kai’s hand prowled over your exposed skin, as he softly trails over your ass with his cold fingers. He closely leaned into your ear, his breath just stroking the delicate skin…

„You went away with it for too long…you’re disappointing…you’re worthless…you’re nothing, you hear me?“

His voice was so low and calm, still so terrifying. It creeps into your ear as it oscillates with a soft reverb. You were waiting for his next move. Maybe you’re going to die today, you already prepared yourself mentally for it.

„I’ll say it one time, and one time only. Don’t you dare to look at me. If you do, this’ll be your last day. Am I clear?“

Your blood froze as he spoke out these sentences. You knew he could be serious. But maybe he was fooling you. Something he enjoys to do to torture somebody’s nerves to death.

You shook your head in agreement. You could hear a soft chuckle escaping his throat. He reached into his pocket of his jeans as he pulled out a jackknife. You could hear the prominent ‘click‘ sound as he flipped the knife.

„I’m gonna call you ‚whore‘ from now on…fits better after all, doesn’t  it?“

His stupid small talk only made your stomach turn. You could actually feel how a dirty smile formed on his lips. You’d rather play a reverse card on him only to stab him with his knife. Then you’d be a free woman. You thought. But instead, you kept as silent as possible, not to upset the blue haired psycho any further. You could feel the cold blade was grazing tantalizing over your ass, and with a swift move, he cut your panties on one side, and one cut through the middle part. He removed the garment from your body as your shivered, dropping it onto the carpeted floor.

„Oh? What do we have here? A needy whore?“

He spoke as he spotted your aroused entrance, as it was begging to get fucked by Kai. But you couldn’t help but to pull yourself together not to make any noise. All you could do was to stare onto the floor…what was his next move? You thought. It could get worse, definitely. You were waiting for it. You reflexively wanted to turn your head up to Kai but there was that one damn demand of his…and you didn’t want to die yet, so you kept silent instead. You felt how Kai was spreading your ass cheeks, as he spits directly onto your asshole. You were slightly trembling, as you felt how the warm liquid was touching your exposed skin. You knew what he was about to do…you knew it would contain pain…

„On your knees and bend over, now!“

He spoke in a loud and demanding manner, but you didn’t move, not a bit…and it made Kai lose his mind…

„I SAID NOW, YOU FUCKING WHORE!“

He shouted as his usual bariton voice became scarily angry. He grabbed a fistful of your hair as he pulled you off his lap to throw you onto the floor and made you go onto your knees as he basically forced you to do it.

With trembling arms and knees, which held you up with the last strength you had, you forced yourself not to faint as a mixture of sweat and tears was running down your cheeks.

„AND DON’T YOU FUCKIN‘ LOOK AT ME!“

He shouted as he undid the buckle of his belt, removing it from his jeans, as you heard the belt sliding through the belt loops.

Your mind wandered though hundreds of possibilities of what he was about to do…is he going to-

But ‘til you could finish your spoiled thought he already did it; he placed one firm and painful whiplash onto your bare ass as the pain electrified your nerve system. You cried out in pain as you collapsed….you could feel the sheer bliss of Kai’s oh so beloved clown puppets (as they were not more than that), you could actually feel how they were laughing internally, as they weren’t even moving one bit.

„GET UP! C’MON!“

He hissed as he harshly grabbed your tousled hair, using it to put you back to your previous humiliating position, as you did so as you positioned yourself back on all fours.

„Tss…you’re so pathetic…“

He murmured as he was slowly walking back and forth in front of you in such a teasing way as he looked down at you in a rather pitying manner, a smile almost invisible yet visible graced his lips as his gaze did not leave you for even a nick of a second.

„…You dissapointed me…“

Kai spoke while he unzipped his trousers, as he stopped in front of you, his eyes, pitch black were looking at you with such anger, he was able to kill you just with his gaze if he wanted to. You knew you couldn’t look at him so you carefully listened to his degrading words instead.

„You cannot destroy me…“

You heard him speak while rustling noises filled the room; Kai took off his pants along with his boxers as he now placed himself behind you.

„But I’ll destroy you…“

With these words he rammed his rock hard dick right inside of your asshole, your mouth was agape as you let out a drawn out moan.

„Yeah, moan for me you stupid whore, take it all… you want it so badly, right?“

He huffed as he mercilessly pounded into you like an animal, as he grabbed your hair for friction.

„Hmmh…you’re so worthless…so…ugh…fuck…“

Kai groaned as he fucked you ruthless from behind, as he grabbed your ass with his veiny hand, while his other hand was pulling your hair towards him.

„Repeat after me… I’m such a failure“

He spoke as he wanted you to blame you for everything. You’re the reason he failed his masterplan. But everything you wanted to do was to stop Kai from the worst before things went out of hand …He was just going crazy. But you just obeyed, or you’d get killed.

„I-I’m such a…uggh…failure..hmmh..“

You breathed between each thrust, as the pain made your body numb. Sweaty straints of hair decorated your face.

„Yes, you are…argh…shit…I’m gonna -„

He couldn’t even finish his sentence as he reached his orgasm as you felt how his warm seed filled you up, Kai loosened his grip from your hair as he pulled his dick out of your asshole, leaving you unsatisfied with physical and psychial pain. You collapsed onto the floor as your breath was trembling. The circle of Kai’s followers split apart as they marched upstairs and left the basement without a word. Kai put his jeans back on, as he was using his foot to flip you onto your back as you were totally wasted, lying on the floor sobbing and crying out of pain you received by Kai. Kai couldn’t care less about your condition, as you were one of his many mannequins. He took you for granted for his own pleasure.

„This is what you get for not obeying…whore.“

He spoke, his voice…dark and frightening. He spit right into your face before he left, leaving you on your own. You wiped the tears mixed with Kai’s saliva out of your face, thoughts were passing your mind like bullets of regret...

 Why do you still love him?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Wanna say thank you to @fear-is-truth and @doll3tt33 for being my biggest inspirations ❤🙏🏻 you gave me the courage to write 😽)

Gonna tag my favourite blogs @am3ricanh0rrorwh0re , @silverzoomies , @taintandviolent

《 gifs belong to their owner, xrag-dollx all rights reserved. Copying my work is prohibited》

[a-d-nox]

what's a solar return?

any time the sun transits and becomes exactly conjunct your natal sun (it is in the exact sign and degree it was in when you were born), you undergo a solar return. solar returns happen every year on your birthday. my solar return is coming up this october, so i thought "why not?let's continue my thoughts about the return charts."

but what can a solar return chart show you?

literally everything about your year ahead. you just have to look at it and know what you are looking at/for. so let's break it down some of the basics...

sun

energy/aura, attention you receive this year, leadership opportunities, creativity, pride/ego/dignity, how generous you are, individuality, personal development, self-awareness, what makes you happy, celebrations, and self-expression.

moon

emotions / emotional responses, self-care, comfort zone / safe space, femininity, mothers / matriarchal / maternal instincts, family, nostalgia, pregnancy/fertility, baking/cooking, adaptability, menstruation, and habits/routines.

mercury

communication/gossiping, mindset / reasoning skills, perception, writing, social media / cellphone use, short trips, ground transportation, and mannerisms.

venus

romance, beauty/aestheticism, pleasure(s), art/entertainment, self-love, harmony, femininity, sentimentality, how you compromise, parties/celebrations, and possessions.

mars

passions/desires, self-confidence, ambition, anger/aggression, competitiveness, athletics / physical energy, impulsivity, courage/bravery, tasks, masculinity, assertiveness, sexuality, and violence.

jupiter

luck, abundance, wealth, success, opportunity, popularity, wisdom, air travel, ease, higher education (college/university), optimism, justice/retribution, law, and fulfillment.

saturn

work, achievement/mastery, challenges, karma, fathers / patriarchy / paternal instincts, fears, guilt, delays/limitations, discipline, responsibility, past issues that are prevalent this year, practicality, stability, endurance, maturity, and grudges.

uranus

friends/fans/followers, technology, fluctuation/change, rebellion, independence, originality, unexpected things / surprises, and chaos.

neptune

creativity, selflessness, escapism, intuition, hidden things, deception/lies/delusion, confusion, inspiration, and addiction/fascination.

pluto

change/transformation, power, sex/seduction, death, intensity/magnetism, obsessions, manipulation, and purging.

1h/asc

identity, approach/mindset this year, physical appearance, mannerisms, and your presence.

2h

money/finances this year, material possessions, self worth, what you are giving/receiving, and resources.

3h

communication/gossip, mind / method of thinking, sibling relationship(s), interests, ideas/information, ground transportation, social media / cellphone use, publishing, and short trips.

4h/ic

homes/houses, family matters, parents (mainly maternal figures), inner child work you do this year, inheritance, traditions you practice this year, self-care you do this year, and femininity.

5h

children, talents / hobbies / entertainment / creative pursuits, drama, short-term romances, pleasures/gifts, fertility, and joy/delight/jubilation

6h

daily routine, health/fitness/diet, work/duties, self-improvement / shadow work, hygiene, and pet(s).

7h/dsc

long-term relationships / marriage / partnerships, how you care for others (if you care for others), minor legal pursuits, contracts/negotiations, known enemies, close associates / business partners, and equality/harmony/sharing (how you promote it and how (if) you receive it).

8h

changes (external and internal), death (internal and external), shared finances, what you invest in, stocks/taxes/inheritance/loans/assets, intimacy (intellectual and physical), secrets/mystery, mental health / trauma you experience, and possible surgery/operations.

9h

wisdom you gain, major legal pursuits, new beliefs/ethics/philosophy milestones, college/university, and air travel / travel abroad.

10h/mc

career, public image / status / reputation in society, responsibilities towards society/others, authority, paternal figures, and your professional aspirations (the progress you make towards them this year).

11h

friends/companions/allies/groups, ideals/desires, how your different this year as opposed to years past, technology, networking/socializing, and parties (formal and informal).

12h

how you heal this year from you past / mental health journey, karma, sleeping habits, your experience with solitude/isolation this year, unknown enemies, illusions/delusions you have about your situation, fears / self-limitation, losses, and what you secretly/subconsciously want most this year.

like what you read? leave a tip and state what post it is for! please use my "suggest a post topic" button if you want to see a specific post or mythical asteroid next!

click here for the masterlist

click here for more return chart posts

want a personal reading? click here to check out my reading options and prices!

© a-d-nox 2023 all rights reserved

[snapscube]

Remember when people were calling you the "long lost McElroy sister"? Do you see the similarity at all, or do you think it's just because you share a similar creative niche (gaming/streaming/comedy) with the McElroy brothers?

Lol, "when" people were doing it.

I still get it to this day, friend, despite my constant protests.

I used to understand, and it was even expected initially if not personally encouraged! There was definitely a period of time where they were my biggest comedic/creative inspirations, and the truth of the matter is that I am a mannerisms sponge. I mimic people around me, and people that inspire me, and whether or not it's more than the average person I have no clue, but I will go through seasons of daily watching a particular personality or creator I'm fond of and/or inspired by and usually come out the other end having picked up certain tendencies VERY quickly, a large portion of those being speech patterns.

There's definitely a segment of my content around 2017/2018 or so where, yeah, you can very much tell I adopted a McElroy-esque speaking pattern directly (like what felt like 70% of other Tumblr users also did lol) and it was both because of how much of their content I was into at the time AND also because at the time I found their output inspiring as someone who was used to more... Loud Gamer forms of comedy, to put it bluntly. So at first I took the comparisons in stride and saw it as a signal of my own growth as an entertainer, and my ability to be funny in a way that wasn't just Loud = Funny.

But the thing you have to know about me, and my time as even a minor public figure, is that this comparison was not the first of its that was constantly levied at me, and it unfortunately was not the last one in the slightest. Some will remember the days in which I was a reasonably renowned "Bill Cipher" impersonator in the Gravity Falls fandom, and the pattern was very similar at the time. I dealt with people CONSTANTLY telling me that, despite all of my attempts to separate myself from the voice work I did as the character, I always sounded Just Like Bill even when I was just using my casual speaking voice. If this sounds familiar to those of you who have only been around since the dubs popped off, it's likely because I also go through the same thing ever since I became known for Sonic impressions.

And then outside of voice work I've had my style of content continue to be compared to the McElroy's body of work and even beyond to the likes of Jerma and other big-name-of-the-era content creators. And I have to once again stress: I am completely self-aware that it is not entirely unfounded. I mean, the most recent one I got was just the other day when on stream someone told me I had a speech pattern similar to Northernlion. And like, I even admitted right then and there.... yeah! That makes sense! I've had NL compilations going into my ears and brain for hours upon hours on end lately. So I don't mean to only complain and say "this makes no sense" with delusions that it's completely baseless. BUT, I guess if I do have to circle around to a point, it would be that, though I can occasionally understand comparisons, I would hope y'all in turn can understand why it might not be an easy thing for someone like me to hear, especially in the way it never really seems to go away? Even if one like Bill Cipher fades out, the whole "SnapCube is just a female version of [insert larger male peer in the content space]" thing is something that cycles along regardless. And I get it, it's human nature to compare and contrast. I do it too! But as someone who is always trying to stand out in what I do and make my own value as an individual known above the cacophony of content saturation, I do implore people to think twice about the language they use when making otherwise favorable comparisons. Recommending my content by saying something like "if you like Jerma/McElroys/NL/etc., then SnapCube gives off similar vibes" makes of a WORLD of a difference compared to "This stream is just something Jerma would do" or "Penny is just a female Griffin McElroy" (both things I have heard almost verbatim, constantly). They approach the same ideas, but one gives me so much more of a chance to like... start off a first impression as My Own Person and not just a derivative Girl Alternative, if that makes sense.

Whoops I talked about this way too much :) Can you tell I think about this a lot LMAO

Anyway here's the obligatory joke response that's been spread before

[astrosky33]

PLANET MEANINGS IN ASTROLOGY

[READ] People often question why there’s so many meanings for each planet/house and the reason is so that you can learn more than just one thing about yourself through each placement. Otherwise astrology would be very vague and boring. These are all meanings that I’ve learned from my astrology classes at Kepler College

THE SUN: your ego, your identity, your vitality, attention, spotlight, leadership, creativity, authority, royalty, pride, generosity, individuality, development, dignity, consciousness, things that make you happy, festivals, validation, and self expression

THE MOON: your inner emotions, emotional responses, emotional instincts, care, your comfort zone, femininity, your mother/motherly figure, family, your childhood, your nurturing instincts, fertility, baking, maternal instinct, adaptability, nursing, menstruation, pregnancy, boobs, the ocean, habits, and comfortability

MERCURY: communication, speaking, the mind, health, perception, lower education (pre-k, elementary, middle, and high school), writing, social media, cell phones, short trips, transportation (not flights only ground transportation), mannerisms, twins, gestures, reason, change (in general), forgetfulness, clumsiness, the press, trading, publishing, correspondence, profanity, gossiping, literary works, daily routine, mathematics, youth, and printing

VENUS: love, attraction, romance, who you fall in love with/who you’re attracted to, your love languages, beauty, sympathy, pleasures, art/artistry, self love, harmony, femininity, rhythm, sentimentality, compromise, sharing, cooperation, aestheticism, dancing, entertainment, values, festivities, possessions, luxury items, cheerfulness, sloth/laziness, jewelry, your vagina, and sensuality

MARS: passion, desire (in general), confidence, ambition, lust and sexual desire, sexual preferences, sex style, anger/aggression/aggressiveness, competitiveness, athletics, temper, impulse, courage, fire, self-assurance, tasks, masculinity, assertion, dominance, activity, physical energy, heat, sexuality, enthusiasm, forcefulness, friction, combativeness, war, your dick, tattoos, motivation, and violence

JUPITER: luck, abundance, wealth, success, opportunity, popularity, expansion, knowledge, honesty, wisdom, travel, air travel, ease, blessings, philosophy, higher education (college/uni), optimism, religion, justice, the law, exploration, profit, vision, devotion, study, growth, faith, fulfillment, speculation, and gambling

SATURN: hard work (and rewards), achievement and mastery, challenges, struggles, karma/karmic lessons/karmic debts, your father/fatherly figure, work (in general), fears, guilt, delay, longevity, old age, limitations, discipline, responsibility, your work ethic, contraction, the past, deficiency, bones, skinniness, practicality, confinement, effort, self-control, stability, endurance, maturity, detachment, consistency, grudges, and history

URANUS: friends/socialization, technology, film, unplanned/sudden changes, uniqueness, ups and downs, fluctuation, rebellion, independence, invention, freedom, originality, the unexpected/surprises, freaks/freakiness, p*rnography, shock, chaos, natural disasters, science, engineering, fans/followers, and electricity

NEPTUNE: kindness, compassion, creativity, glamour, sensitivity, selflessness, escapism, intuitiveness/intuition, the hidden, dreams, imagination, deception/lies, delusion, mysteries, hallucination, disguise, confusion, disappearance, evasion, divinity, spirituality, inspiration, mysticism, transcendence, hypnotism, prophecy, fascination, and idealism

PLUTO: transformation, power, sex, orgasms, destruction (ending in renewal), rebirth, intimacy (not just sexual), death, intensity, magnetism, regeneration, infatuation, obsession, black magic, seduction, manipulation, sexual organs, evolving/evolution, extremes, and purging

MY MASTERLIST

MORE BEGINNER ASTROLOGY

HOUSE MEANINGS

© 𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐤𝐲 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐝

[sualne]

Listen as someone who has been obsessed with vampires like my entire life (but not in a ooh there sexy way its like the symbolism man of what vampires can mean) i am a huge fan of your op vanpire au.

I know you just made a post with lore (amazing art btw) but is there anything else about the au you want to talk about. Id love to hear everything

there's a lot of things i want to talk about the au!! im going to use the frantic energy from the year to get myself some bravery and say some of it is inspired by my own experiences with hallucinations and delusion (dont ask about it pls), with the au i want to explore what it would be like having the person who changed you being very literally stuck with you.

i love stories where characters end up sharing a mind and/or body, i also really dont like when its just good person vs bad person, nuance is a lot more fun lol. the relationship luffy and mingo will be forced into stuck as they are is something important to me. mingo is an awful monster but since he can feel everything luffy does he ends up trying to teach him how to live as a vampire, how to take care of himself. im also very found of the concept of parasite (they're literally the worst thing ever and so fucking scary, so naturally they keep coming up in my stories).

it's also about luffy's body and mind failing him, because of the mindlink he has a hard time knowing where he is, sometimes who he is, what is relationships were supposed to be with others, it gets complicated for him! how hard it is to go through one's daily life when your sense are all messed up! (mingo also struggles with that a bit, but this isn't about him, even thought it's new for him too he get used to it much more easily for plot convenience).

other's ppl reaction to the situation also, i feel, completely unconsciously was also incidentally inspired by my own fear of being seen as a monster or dangerous, something to be put down or locked away!

there's also a few jokes in that lore post that reflects this here:

bugs are a pretty common brand of hallucination, be they crawling in the corner of your sight or inside you, making you feel like a walking hives, this was a funny reference to that!

"surprisingly he doesn't start biting people or become violent." this is my not very subtle "mentally ill and neurodivergent folks aren't inherently dangerous pls stop killing us". the occasional euphoria from bloodthist is vaguely inspired by some manic episode, the happy kind.

there's more, about the way this is about trauma and feeling alienated, i guess this is also a "character realize they've got a disorder/develop one and now has to live with it" kind of story.

[lives4lovesworld]

Truly wish dany/targaryens stans would stop bothering. The amount of daily posts that aim to "counter" or even pander to nonsensical anti bs is excessive and after years quite honestly boring and tedious.

Quite frankly I fail to understand what we gain from this, adhering to a holier-than-thou moral code, especially since no one else is compelled to even pretend to do so? Is the goal here for them be completely distorted to the point they resemble other characters? antis supposed favorites? As uninteresting to us as they subconsciously are to their stans? Which is the real problem here and the reason why they are the way they are (hypocritical stealing clowns and nuisances?) But perhaps I have a completely different less-morality-bound approach to consuming media in my free time than the rest of my fellow stans.

No downplaying/refuting Valyrian blood purity, empathizing non-Valyrian marriages, pointing out the origin of slavery are found in Old Ghis and not the Freehold, no opting for the most gracious interpretation of members of House Targaryen will ever stop antis from painting and hypocritically single out everything Targaryen/Valyrian related as kkk- or "imperialistic" coded or whatever woke buzzword of the day. They live to pretend-clutch their pearls and hold only them to modern standards of a fantastical utopia, while every other feudal character can be as archaic as expected from their pseudomedvial upbringing with their houses being wardlords

Speaking for me, I STAN their blood purity and incest. For me, IT IS a defining characteristic of House Targaryen that makes them unique, no matter how "problematic" it may be. I STAN it because GRRM fabricated scandalous, passionate love stories that I chose to interpret as consensual and politically advantageous, that brought forward incredible, magical gorgeous characters able to ride dragons that inspire love and envy alike. Who shine all the brighter when one contrasts them with literally any other characters and unions that are and breed doomed mediocrity and are born out of stale duty. I perhaps have a bais for pure blooded Targaryens that look the part than any prefect bastards or half breeds, or targ x targ to any other couple.

I also stan cruel Maegor, particularly for showing Oldtown its place and declawing the Militant Faith because I enjoy reading about the presumptuous Christian Vatican equivalent getting its ass handed to them. I stan Rhaenyra and she still can be a pampered proud princess-turned-queen. The same way I prefer canon Daemon as a rogue, an ambitious prince who seduced his brother's heir with perhaps also political hopes in mind and because he wanted his gorgeous niece as a bride instead of his cold barren wife. A legend that slay the pathetic cunt that was his nephew.

And while I'm at it: I also refuse to care about every "likeable"/pitiful character simply because it would be the "morally right" thing to do, nor will I root for the characters I like to do it. I don't care for Helaena and her children, nor the strong boys or any half-considered-"poc" Targaryen, nor will I even pretend to see "reason" in the greens actions, nor do I even want to see Dany "overcome her hatred"/bais against the usurper's dogs and any descendants of them. Or for her to be that altruistic to turn away from the throne to save humanity.

No amount of "call-out-posts" what a misogynist, racist, cultist, classist or elistist I am will change that because why OH WHY should I give a fuck about what anyone online thinks of me. Why should I allow anyone to bully me into streamline my enjoyment?

Especially by the people that do not even have the decorum of pretend to have any sort of decency. So they can use the most misogynistic, classist language and expect submission to their attempts to rule fandom spaces with iron fists and delusions, and canonize their favorites' sainthood and entitlement to feudal supremacy often only because they ✨️suffered prettily✨️ and fit some anesthetics while I must tolerate them trying to scold me into caring so greatly about fictional grey faceless mass of common people that would die were my favorites to pursue their ambitions. Meanwhile the same people would have any would-be-subjects die of famine and cold as long as their favorites get their crowns GRRM would never grant them in canon anyway. Give me a break. And let's not even start on how dragons and incest are suddenly the solutions as long as they don't belong and is not practiced by Targaryens.

To make this clear: this post is NOT a not-so-subtle incognito-anti post of ✨️i lOve all mY wAr CrimInaL eUqally!;' LeT tHeM bE mAd AnD unHinGed uwu,"! love all mY mOderAte chAsTe hoPes Of the fUtUres and mAd imPeriAlistS. 🥰✨️

I simply wanted to say; perhaps we should NOT GIVE A FUCK, "own" the """""bad""""" and be "problematic" and "irrational" in our selective love for characters and houses like EVERYBODY FUCKING ELSE.

[alun1r]

Rare Alu Rant About Fandoms bc I never say shit:

Sue me, but getting into a fandom just for the intention of becoming popular is so weird to me.

Like sure you want a lot of people to see what you make. Because making something for the fandom should be seen! That’s dope as hell.

But you’re gonna lose inspiration real fast when you find out content creation takes a lotta work but more often than not comes with little reward.

I hold firmly the belief that Fandom is for making content for the pure reason of just because you can.

✨the joy of free will to bring your delusions to life so others can indulge in their delusions as well✨ Kinda vibes? Yanno?

I never started making HL content with the idea in mind that I’d reach 9k followers on tiktok. And I ain’t gonna lie it’s daunting for me. Specially as someone whose always just made shit for whatever reason without even posting it. But The videos that got me views and followers on tiktok, were made because I was high and wanted to laugh. And I’d figured “what the hell, this made me laugh….Maybe it will make someone else laugh.” And I’m glad it did.

And now I float around just making stuff. I still make whatever I want tbh. I do my best to give credit where credit is due in what I make. And yeah I’ve done some fan service videos and writing here and there because hey it’s fun for me.

I see so many posts or peoples bios saying that they’re working towards being popular in fandom and then their posts are what other people said or made on Twitter or tiktok or Vice versa and there’s often times there’s no real credit to original creators.

Don’t get me wrong, if it’s properly credited, AWESOME. Usually it’s not though, and that’s just wild to me. Because how are you expecting to get popular under your own name when you’re just reposting stuff.

That doesn’t make you a content creator.

A historical collector guess?? Because you’re like idk collecting all the stuff people made and what not onto a new page.

Idk dude. I just miss authenticity I guess. People making stuff and just being excited to show it.

Don’t get me wrong though it’s not all terrible on here and everywhere on the internet for fandoms. I’ve made close friends with other creators who feel and see fandom much the same. Just here to vibe and escape.

I’m not saying I don’t think views and followers and likes and notes or what have you, matter. I know they do. I get a lil confidence boost when something I make pops off. I feel proud.

But man it’s the intention of “ Im trying to be a popular creator” that rubs me the wrong way. Make stuff because you like it. Not because other people will. Doing whatever to get you likes wont bring the same satisfaction. And in more cases than not I see it backfiring and causing drama because, like I said it’s usually shit that’s copied or reposted.

Who knows maybe I’m just old and don’t understand bc I also see fandom and the work I’ve contributed as something I wouldn’t like boast about in real life. Because the reaction wouldn’t be positive. Like just for enjoying Hogwarts legacy I get teased in my daily life from acquaintances. It’s not totally negative. Buts it’s enough for me to know that YEAH 9k followers on tiktok don’t mean anything in the real world LMAO because at the end of the day, offline, I am still just a nerd whose daydreaming in her bedroom to escape reality.

I’m 24 dude. And I work in news. Shit is exhausting. Read a headline and you’ll see what I mean. And I just wanted to rant about it because it’s been bugging me since I joined fandom again last year.

But due to, idk my follower count and whatnot I always felt like I can’t or rather I shouldn’t speak my mind so much for fear of SOMEONE coming for me for something. And man I hate that feeling bc this bitch has opinions and I dislike the idea of feeling like others have control over it. But tbh eh. I wanted to rant. Just speaking into the void of the internet.

If you decide to send anon hate for my opinionated rant be ready for a meme bc I don’t have the mental capacity to take anything other than my IRL life responsibilities seriously lmao.

[devilboycomic]

Never noticed you saw my tags until today but I forgot to say like. Thorn is hugely inspirational. My two irl friends have been like sort of bit by bit learning how it looks when I unmask and are actually okay with my being sort of weird and saying and feeling things really strongly. No judgement when I space out is nice and also they check in on me when I’m out of it for a long time. It’s nice being able to pretend a little less in daily life :3

But like. Really I just see a lot of my deeply ingrained thinking and delusions reflected and it’s nice because of how hard it is to get a grasp on these things when you’ve never had your mind fall apart enough to be diagnosed from some escalation event or something. Professional writings are so vague about the details but I keep bit by bit getting a clearer understanding

I'm so glad ur getting support i really wanted to give thorn the space to be thorn because i think we all need that specially if ur mentally ill/neurodiverse, i think everyone deserves support and care and and a huge part of it is a place to safely belong in

[planetsstarsandmoons]

All hail synastry queen 👑 I enjoy your synastry content a lot, reading your chart interpretations religiously is part of my daily rituals at this point. If you have the time, I would appreciate it if you take a look at this chart. Me and this person have been on and off for about 2 years now and although they pretty much are using me as an emotional punch bag I cannot find it in me to just leave for good? I just feel this immense pull and I can't quit it. Do they feel it too? Am I on their mind as much as they are on mine? Smh. I'm blue and they're orange.

Have a blessed day ❤️

Ahww thank you so much for the compliments !! 💫💕

To: answer your question: Sex. It’s sex. If you never had sex with this person, you wouldn’t feel this way. It’s almost comical how extremely addicting the sex is in this synastry. Mars conjunct mars. You’re exactly each other’s sexual style. Your energies match too well and he sees the aggressive, selfish and sexual side of himself in you. Therefore you becomes inconsiderate and hard on purpose, like a punching bag. He thinks you can ‘handle it’, plus your chiron, the healer, inspires this in him. It’s like he’s having you around this way to heal him. Your chiron sits right there on your mars, squeezed in between this volatility. His actions hurt you because chiron is a wound that is constantly being triggered ! Why do you keep coming back? Probably because the sex is great and your chiron is in too deep already. Because at the same time, his mars is healing you in intimate moments. Being the mars person in this 8th house synastry is what makes you terminally motivated to protect him, sex him, be with him because it energizes you. With him I mean all the dark, hidden and primal parts of his personality. Him doing ‘wrong’ will not turn you off, because it’s the 8th house. It’s the literal definition of ‘warts and all’. These factors are the reason why you think this is a love connection.

Your moon square his neptune is also what creates delusion, there’s an element of ‘passionate romance’ there with venus trine pluto/lilith that is fun and inspiring. He ‘really likes’ you in the sense that’s he’s romantically impressed by your depth and independent sexuality and you, though harmoniously, feel very obsessive towards him. Are you on their mind? To him you are this powerful force of the best martian energy match that he’ll ever have, combined with a healer and a plutonian. He is constantly ‘wowed’ by you but idk if you’re on their mind a lot. It depends on how this person is affected by chiron and mars in the eighth house. Some people get obsessed and touched it, others just use it more. I’ve said before that chiron conjunct mars is the only sexual aspect that will make a man marry a woman. Maybe he feels that towards you? He feels very known by you. The reason I said it’s almost comical how sex is troubling your view of the situation is 1. Because charts often tell the same story twice or three times. Moon square neptune. 2. Because I am not seeing any other potent romantic aspects. I only see aspects for lingering and a relationship that is romantically shortlived. I get that he’s addicting, but you know in your soul that if what you’re looking for is a good safe partnership, you’re not getting 100% of your needs met here.

[animeyanderelover]

I remember u said u liked soft yandere so can I request promt 68 with Bertholdt? thanks

Food Wars is so weird but somehow I really, really like it...Characters are aged up in here.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, obsession, stalking, delusions, manipulation

Prompt 68: “You’re all I think about. I always think about holding you, kissing you, touching you, making love to you, breeding you…”

"Are you thinking about them again?"

The lanky man was thrown out of his thoughts upon hearing Reiner's grumbling voice. He didn't sound very happy catching his friend redhanded in the act of dreaming about you again. Neither Annie nor him could have forseen that the shifter of the Colossal Titan would end up being completely enraptured by one of the trainees inside the walls.

Perhaps even Bertholdt hadn't seen this coming himself and apparently even he couldn't pinpoint the exact time when he had gained feelings for you but disaster had struck before anyone could have prevented it from happening.

"Just a little bit." Bertholdt answered softly, pulling his legs up to his chest. Thinking about you made his chest stir with a warm emotion although he also couldn't ignore the tug of longing inside his heart. It was simultanously a relief and a bit of a torture that you had chosen to join the Garrison instead of going for the Survey Corps or the Military Police Brigade.

Truth be told, he wasn't completely uninvolved since he had been trying to coax you into choosing anything except the Corps. The thought of you being eaten by a Titan had given him severe anxiety and even during the attack where they had killed Marco, he had convinced Annie to keep you as far away as possible.

Commander Pixis had been the final push of inspiration you had needed to decide to choose this branch of the Military and it had lifted a large weight that had been suffocating him for such a long time now.

You were at least safe.

The downside of it all was that both of you had rarely time to see each other so he had been missing you daily ever since joining the Survey Corps. Reiner let out an exhausted smile when he saw the spaced out look in Bertholdt's eyes as his thoughts automatically drifted back to you. He was worried about the condition of his friend since he didn't know how Bertholdt would be able to handle himself after they would finish their mission here. His attachment was on the unhealthy side which even Annie had pointed out sharply. Whether Bertholdt had chosen to ignore her statement or just genuinely believed that his feelings weren't wrong was above Reiner.

Annie seemed fine with whatever Bertholdt was doing since she was only interested in seeing her father again so that left Reiner alone with his concern. He wanted to say something again but stopped himself when he saw the dreamy look in Bertholdt's eyes.

It was useless, he was in his own world. You.

The sound of the creaking of the mattress as Reiner went to bed was distant from his mind as well as the sudden lack of light. The sound of his unwavering attention was a small lucky charm, made out of carved wood. On the day all trainees had chosen their regiment and it had become apparent that both of you would walk on different routes, you had approached him and gifted him this lucky charm you had made yourself.

"Take that with you on missions so it can protect you from Titans. Since we're going separate pathes now, it'll watch over you in my place since you're such a timid guy for your height. Think of me at least a little bit whilst carrying that thing around, alright? Also...don't die on me, Bertholdt."

He remembered everything so well. The fire that had highlighted your faces in a warm and gentle light. The bright and proud grin you had flashed him when you had presented him the gift. The way your voice had wavered and your grin had faltered at the last sentence when you were reminded of the reputation the Survey Corps had and the way your eyes had glimmered with worry and fear for him.

He hadn't been able to see you ever since, both of you were busy working for the part of the military you had chosen. But he had taken this lucky charm everywhere with him, even wearing the string attached to it when he was sleeping. It reminded him that you cared about him and thought about him a bit as well, otherwise you wouldn't have bothered to pour your time into it.

He regretted that he hadn't been able to stutter more out on the day you had given him your present, far too flustered and embarrassed to say much more. He was a coward when it came to confessing his feelings and he couldn't even argue against Annie's dry comments on him that he made himself look like a fool in front of you.

His head was always filled with words of adoration when he was around you but he couldn't form them out aloud to you. He wanted to tell you that he constantly thought of you, that his heart was beating faster whenever you were around him...

"You're all I think about. I always think about holding you, kissing you, touching you, making love to you, breeding you..."

[anhed-nia]

MEGALOMANIAC (2022)

For viewers like myself, a lot of descriptors have a double life. Sometimes if I say that a movie is misanthropic and nihilistic, and populated by ugly, unlikable characters, I mean that it's a dreary, unrewarding slog; other times (probably a lot more of the time, due to my habits) I mean that it's a fascinating and challenging reflection of real life's lack of justice and resolution. On rare occasions both things are true, and I'm stuck with an experience that irritates and fascinates in equal measure, and I'm just like, you know. What the fuck.

Karim Ouelhaj's MEGALOMANIAC is a Belgian psychological thriller about the children of a serial murderer whose adult lives revolve around the question of whether and how to deal with their father's violent legacy. Brother Felix is an indulgent perpetuator, while sister Martha is burdened with upholding a veneer of normality, even though her miserable daily existence continuously begs for brutal retaliation. The film tours one intolerable circumstance after another leading up to its final explosion of savagery, which may or may not feel like the equal of the vile injustices that have gone before.

Whether MEGALOMANIAC is "good" or not will depend largely on the individual viewer. I want to say that many things about it are of a genuinely high quality, especially its handful of excellent performances. The movie is well-dressed and nicely shot, and often boasts a daring visual inventiveness even at the risk of skirting camp. Though it achieves a certain strange beauty, the production is drenched in blood, piss, stale cum, and industrial grime; if MEGALOMANIAC were a scented candle that you lit in your home, you'd have to find a new place to live. What can I say, some of us dig that sort of thing.

Narratively, it teases the question of how much of this misadventure is a figment of the protagonist's imagination, which I usually find a little annoying unless a very specific point is being made about the nature and function of delusion; in this case the story orbits around ideas about intergenerational trauma and abuse cycles, so maybe that's the big excuse, although I'm not sure that any compelling conclusions are drawn. That said, there is a certain honesty in the film's characterizations, especially Martha (Eline Schumacher) who simultaneously inspires pity and loathing. I wondered if Martha weren't named after Shirley Stoler's character in THE HONEYMOON KILLERS, a lonely nurse who kills for love. Both Marthas seem determined to establish the bare minimum requirement for being redeemable, while also posing the question of whether and why that should matter. If that's the kind of thing you often wonder about, you can watch MEGALOMANIAC now on Shudder! I know I'll be thinking about this movie for a long time, whether I like it or not. Sometimes that quality is more impressive than just being "good".

[mumblingadvice]

“Where intention goes, energy follows’

Meaning that the things you put in the front of your mind is what you put your energy to.

In my mind, that often starts with the media you consume. Its good to be aware of world news, but if it doesn’t feed your goal and promote growth in your life its better to not make it a daily focus.

Something as simple as following more art content creators or watching something silly you love can put your intentions towards building yourself a better life.

I was on tumblr as a teenager, i used it infrequently but i did come here to express myself at least once a week. I took some years away between 2014-2019, only stopping by when i need art inspiration. When i came back in 2019-2020 with more time to look at my dashboard, i realized my entire dashboard was left with mostly self-harm and eating disorder content. As a teenager- i definitely faced these issues. I was shocked to find that i had been reaffirming those feelings with others on the internet. And promoting a horrible mindset. People call this ‘thinspo’ (i had no idea as a teenager, i was just perpetuating the lifestyle i related too) I immediately unfollowed all those blogs and relooked at all of my media to see what was subconsciously plaguing me today.

I do not interact with things that occupy a negative space in my mind. Even down to the TNR rescue organization i followed. Because every time they posted a horrible sad story about a injured cat, it would subconsciously affect me for the day. Im sensitive to it, so i will avoid it for my mental health.

I am not afraid to acknowledge its a thing happening, i am not in delusion. I acknowledge it happened, i sympathize with it. At the end of the day, personally seeing injured animals daily is putting myself through mental torture.

That principle can apply to people in your life, work situations, relationships with others, etc. Putting your energy and effort into someone or something negative when theres nothing you can outwardly do for it, is just keeping yourself in a tortured place. Its good to acknowledge the bad thing is there, never think you can just hide from it. But reaffirming negativity daily will affect you long-term subconsciously.

[trulybetty]

Tess | Gold Rush (One Shot)

Gold Rush Masterlist

Pairing: Joel/Tess, Joel/OFC, Tess & OFC Warnings: just my trademark angst, mentions of drugs & alcohol AO3:Link Summary: Tess isn't delusioned by her complex, and often one-sided, relationship with Joel.

{ inspired by this thread started by @something-tofightfor - hope I've done Tess some justice here }

Tess.

Tess fidgeted with her hands, folding and refolding the blanket at the end of the bed, her movements deliberate and slow. She could still hear Joel's words in her head that morning when he had told her no matter what, she was not to accompany him on this trade he had to complete with Dalton, a rat-faced FEDRA operative who had once been Charlotte's inside connection to the organization. "It has to be me, and only me," he'd said firmly. "This deal is delicate enough as it is; I don't need you setting off any alarms and ruining our chances of success." Tess hadn't argued, but she had felt a sting of frustration nonetheless.

Dalton, the weaselly man, made no attempt the hard on he had for Charlotte, and back then Charlotte had exploited it as a means to make trades. Dalton got off on watching Joel's reactions, relishing in the edge he felt he had over Joel, since Joel could not say or do anything to jeopardize the lucrative trades. Charlotte had maintained their precarious arrangement for as long as she could, putting up with Dalton's leering looks and crude comments because she knew how much Tess and Joel needed him.

Tess had tried to fill the gap in the first days of Charlotte's departure, but Dalton had none of it. He found her abrasive and Tess didn't have the patience for the games Dalton wanted to play. "I prefer brunettes," was his sneer when Tess had crashed and burned in her one attempt to win him over. So it was now left to Joel to uphold their uneasy truce.

Dalton had a lead on salvaged FEDRA vehicle, and if Tess and Joel could get their hands on a car battery it would give them a sure means of travel out of the Boston QZ to Wyoming. From where six months ago Tommy had sent his last radio message. Without coincidence six months ago was the last time Joel had been able to at least get some sleep without the assistance of pills and whiskey.

When Joel returned to the apartment, his face somber, frustration evident as he slung his keys onto the kitchen table. Tess watched him out of the corner of her eye, her concern mounting.

"What happened?" Tess asked, apprehension knotting her stomach.

"Dalton" Joel said shortly and Tess knew that meant it hadn't gone their way. "Wanted more ration cards than originally agreed if we want him to come through with the truck for us," He seemed resigned.

Tess took a deep breath and stepped forward, pressing her palm softly against Joel's arm, "It's okay," she said quietly. "If it gets us closer to getting the truck then it's a sacrifice worth taking."

Dalton hadn't been their only other contact to have gone south in the years following Charlotte's departure from the QZ. Not to say they weren't successful as a duo, they were more than enough okay most days. However both Tess and Joel had quickly learnt in only days of Charlotte's absence, she was more intricate to their survival than they ever gave her credit for.

"I went to Abe earlier," Joel continued, rubbing his face tiredly. "Nothing came through overnight."

This was a daily occurrence since Tommy's messages had stopped, dropping by the tight apartment of the older man whose rooms were stacked like Radio Shack with the amount of equipment he had. Taking his skills in communication to leverage it as a means of survival, offering trades of radio messages with those outside the QZ for a means of living.

Tess had never been particularly close with Tommy, he and Charlotte had been incredibly close though. Outside of Joel she and Tommy had very little in common. Knowing that Joel was ruthless once an idea was in his head, and especially one involving his brother, he was not going to stop until he found Tommy.

Amidst the talk of travel preparations and supply runs, Tess couldn't help but wonder about the silent figure of Charlotte, whose name had been conspicuously absent from Joel's lips. She had of course left to join Tommy, and if they were off to find him, there was the possibility of finding Charlotte.

However Joel hadn't mentioned Charlotte once since she'd left, somehow managing to erase her overnight.

Joel hadn't left Charlotte; Charlotte had left him. Tess was certain that, had Charlotte not made the decision to exit the Boston QZ, she and Joel would still be together. They'd built a relationship before the outbreak, and their shared grief over losing a child had only bound them tighter together.

The ghost of that bond was something Tess knew she could never exorcise fully.

Despite the outward appearances, Tess and Charlotte's relationship wasn't really that complicated. That said, their relationship was undeniably a delicate balancing act of fierce loyalty to the same man. Charlotte, having known Joel before the world fell apart, knew the depth of his loss and the root of his grief. She knew the man he was, the man he had been, and the man he had become now. She had been his rock, his anchor in the midst of chaos, a reminder of better times and sweeter memories. Her gentle influence had always been a calming force on his volatile nature.

Tess, on the other hand, knew Joel as a survivor. She knew the grit and the determination that kept him going against all odds, the stubborn resilience that carried them through each perilous venture into the infected zones. She was his partner, his equal, sharing the burdens and the dangers of their reality without flinching. Her pragmatic approach served as a counterbalance to his recklessness, her hardness complementing his brooding toughness.

In this unspoken understanding, there was a measure of mutual respect. Both women recognized and appreciated the role they played in Joel's life, neither trying to outdo the other. It was an odd harmony, but it worked. Charlotte's presence in Joel's past didn't negate Tess's relevance in his present, just as Tess's companionship didn't erase Charlotte's enduring influence on him.

This unspoken accord between them didn't come without its fair share of biting remarks and veiled animosity, though. There was a friction beneath the surface, each woman silently staking her claim, each challenging the other in subtle ways. Tess understood Charlotte's protectiveness of Joel, Tess brought more opportunities for Joel to throw caution to the wind. A man seemingly always teetering on the verge of self destruction. Charlotte was the weight that kept him one foot out from going all the way over the line, Tess offered him unbridled access on either side of the line

Tess placed a glass in front of Joel, carefully pouring a generous finger or two of whiskey into it. As she observed the cloudy glass, the amber liquid seemed to take on a deeper hue, creating an illusion of high-end whiskey. Yet, Tess knew the truth behind the facade. It was just the homemade stuff, that cost too more ratio cards than it was worth, but it would have to suffice. It served its purpose, just like her presence in Joel's life.

She wasn't naive. She understood that she was not Charlotte, that she could not fill the void that she left behind. But she cared for Joel, deeply, maybe more deeply than she cared to admit. She knew their relationship was flawed, built on the remains of something else, something more profound, but she clung to it all the same.

She saw the shadow of Charlotte in the look in his eyes, in the silence that fell between them during the late hours of the night, in the way he sometimes flinched at her touch as if expecting someone else.

The lack of overt affection didn't bother her, not really. She had lived long enough in this harsh, unforgiving world to understand that affection was a luxury they couldn't always afford. She took what Joel offered her, the solace they found in each other's arms, and made do with it.

Their encounters were pragmatic, a way to find comfort and stave off the loneliness that haunted their quiet moments. There was a rhythm to them, an unspoken understanding that this was not about love or desire but about need, about survival. And yet, there were moments, fleeting as they were, when Tess felt a flicker of something more, something that gave her hope.

It was in the way Joel would sometimes hold her a little longer after they were done, his rough hand tracing idle patterns on her skin. It was in the way he would sometimes look at her, not with the haunted look that she had come to associate with Charlotte but with a softness that was uniquely hers.

Tess cherished these moments, held onto them as proof that she mattered to Joel, even if she was not the one he truly loved. She was not Charlotte, and she would never be. But she was Tess, and to Joel, she hoped that meant something.

Whatever awaited them outside the QZ, they would face it together.

For better or worse, Tess was all in.

[schizoetic]

This forum on Reddit inspired me to write this about my own experiences.

When I was really sick before meds I hid my delusions and didn't think any of them were strange. I saw nothing wrong with myself or my surroundings. I couldn't navigate the internet, couldn't talk, write, or express myself. I lost my world, my friends and family in the process. I lost control of my body, my thoughts, my words. And even when I improved with medication forced on me, for the longest time, I was still too embarrassed or paranoid to express concern about anything. It took years of continuous daily reassurance and explanation to reinforce to me that I'm in fact a schizophrenic. For like fifteen years I denied my diagnosis, and couldn't tell what was wrong or why I was sent to hospitals. I was so detached that I couldn't reach out for help. I didn't get why cops pinned me down, why I was injected with various substances, why I was restrained in ambulances or in monitored rooms alone for months. I was sent to hospitals dozens of times without a go.ddamn clue as to why. I was without any understanding.

I have found that the fakers generally have a script, but real psychosis isn't able to be mimicked.

Anyone who is recovering from schizophrenia can spot the fakes a mile away. Actually, even further, come to think of it. So please do the authentic of us a favor and stop your acting. It's an insult to depict the illness when you really don't have a remote clue about it.

[faithinlouisfuture]

Just a little FYI, critics of rads aren't automatically "brain dead larries", as you so eloquently put it in a tag I just spotted. Your own side of fandom is actually a bit tired of seeing the same old complaints in the Louis Tomlinson tag about how the whole world is against Louis. Some of us, who are more casual fans, just want to see more of the good stuff that's out there. That's why so many solo Louies hardly ever come here now. It's all a bit "mean girls" with the rad clique looking down on the rest of us. Why should we even try to add to any discourse when it's all so one-sided and just so downright uncivilised? Well done. I'm sure Louis would just love you for that comment.

First and foremost, anyone referring to louies as “rads” is either a harrie or a larrie (don’t know which one you are although there isn’t much of a difference amongst both any way).

If you choose to ignore the obvious and pretend like things are rainbows and butterflies then good for you, live in your delusion - happy delulu to you. Doesn’t mean I have to also. Doesn’t mean I can’t express my own opinion regarding facts plainly visible to anyone, on my own blog. Go live your casual fan life off my blog if you have such a problem with it.

And as you so cutely put it; yeah Louis would love me. Cuz he’s not sitting there reading my tumblr tags and those don’t matter to him in the larger scheme of things any way, what does matter though is the fact that;

- I flew to another country to be a part of his first world tour

- I’ve pre ordered his album and bought his single

- I make it a point to and actually enjoy streaming his music (correctly) almost daily

- I make it a point to and gain actual joy from introducing his music to new people in my life thus increasing his fan base

- I vote for his music when radio stations ask if anyone would like to hear it

- I make regular content inspired by his art work, and from his appearances during and outside of promo for other louies to enjoy

- I participate in Louis related projects (creative or otherwise) whenever louies organize them online

- I fully plan to go see him on tour next year

So in his own words “the best gift a fan can give me is their support”.

What exactly have you done other than send me passive aggressive messages hidden behind the anon feature?

[cities]

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN MY LIFE SO FAR

The list that follows was originally inspired by Stefan Sagmeister’s list by the same name. I’m also inspired by lists by the likes of Andrea Zittel, Jenny Holzer and Milton Glaser.

Since its first iteration in 2008, my list has been heavily edited. It's served as a guidepost to assess where my head's at with work/life through the years.

The irony of this list: life is messy. I think it'd be better titled THINGS I THINK I KNOW SO FAR, LET'S TALK IT OUT. I'm working on not being so black and white. If there's one thing I know for sure: we must discard our certainties when they're no longer useful. See #33.

Honing a self-concept is essential to create. Rarely do the self-concept and the real self align.

Art is an act of expression. Design is an act of service.

Everything deserves a closer look.

Trust, but verify.

Helping others helps me.

Dishonesty is at war with freedom.

The key to a good ending is knowing when to roll the credits.

In business, an inner world is only as interesting as it is marketable.

Originality is a necessary delusion.

You can’t work for a person you don’t respect.

Consistency outweighs speed.

Iteration over perfection.

There’s enough time for what is actually important.

The process of creation often yields a more interesting result than the finished product. At the same time, there is a cleansing in shipping the work.

Inquire within.

Forgive. Forgive yourself.

It is okay to not be okay.

Writing daily breeds honesty, and in its own time, action.

Certainty is at odds with curiosity.

Everywhere I go, there I am.

Maps, like rules, are still subjective.

Reality is neutral.

A good idea is never done. The same goes for places, people, events. Everything can be recontextualized.

Perfectionism is golden if you want to live safe and die predictably, like everyone else.

Minimalism can be an act of devotion or an easy answer. Sometimes it’s both.

Envy and procrastination reveal what you value and what you don’t.

Money can buy freedom, but freedom’s nothing much without a plan.

Love is an action.

Turn soft and lovely in a lesser town whenever you have the chance.

Love who you love, out loud and openly. You only get this once.

Maintain a curiosity the size of Carl Sagan’s comb-over.

Carry your camera wherever you go.

Discard this list and start again.