#innermonolouge

[geekycreativesoul-blog]

Battling the Pangs

People close to me now say i have changed, that I've grown and become a more confident self, yet inside all i am feeling is I'm fighting a battle that I'm not sure I'm even close to winning yet. Theres no way of telling how well I'm doing, how far I've come, or changed or developed because in my head i can only see the way i take one step forward and 5 steps back. Im a constant anxious mess inside, trying to not only be more of the person i want to be, but also the person i both should have been but lost along the way somehow, and the person i deserve to be. Im dealing with thoughts left there by your control, and how you turned me into something else and how even though the cord is cut and you're not here to overthrow me and my thoughts, the way you had me trapped in that mindset often still remains. I struggle to love myself because i can't see it most days. What i seem to present to the world, is true, there is no denying that everything i do, how i act and am as a person is real and with every little bit of me involved in every action, feeling and word, yet on the inside i feel that I'm not even close to being that person. I feel shy, anxious and like I'm burden to everyone, I'm constantly saying sorry as i can't help but feel I'm always wrong and that not only do i mistakes but i am one. I can't shake this feeling and no matter what i try i always end up back here.. the never ending cycle of thoughts that go through my mind and that will always lead me to panicking that i will never be good enough. I just can't see what those people see... But there are rare moments when i feel empowered and try to make the most of that feeling as it becomes so rare.. i make sure i try and spread it and share it around as i dont want to keep it to myself, i will always give the best of me to make others happy even if it means that i end up back in the vicious cycle of my anxiety again... because i will always will want to try and make sure that I'm liked.. even just a tiny bit by someone for whatever reason... I suppose the thing that i am taking from this is that despite the cycles i go through and how i think that in all honesty i will never be good enough for anyone, i know that I'm at least trying to make a difference and hopefully that difference with occur in how i see myself later on down the line... I hope this is not forever and that my life flourish like i hope i can....x

[youtubersarelife23]

"Why am I here?" "Mark's hair is really red right now," "Almost as red as my RAGE" "I could kick your ass," "I could kick anyone's ass!" "Even my OWN ASS!" "But if it hurts, am I too strong, or weak?" "This week is really going by slow," "Why do people say turtles are slow?" "You make one of them mad, NYOOM!" "Hey Jack? You alright?" "Me? Oh yeah! Just thinking!" "Imma definitely kick his ass,"

[freckledhobo]

❤️ Loving you is easy.. letting go is hard. But at some point unanswered love runs out, it dries up. Would you want me then? #innermonolouge #innertermoil #cantletgo #heartbroken #memories #words #quote #feels #sheloves #alliwantedwastobeloved #imissyou #imissyourtouch It's getting to the point where our hugs are the best part of my day.. and they only last for a few seconds. A few seconds of pure bliss.. I miss you.

[shawkid]

I hate this feeling I have. It takes over my body and my mind. It makes me someone I'm not. I hate feeling like my chest is going to explode. Its makes me feel like I can't breathe and every breath just gets harder and harder. I hate the fact that I can't talk to anyone about it because it's not who I am. I'm not someone to be afraid or quiet. I'm not the person who Cry's because they just can't contain it anymore. I'm not the person to go to others when I feel weak and useless. I'm just not that person. It's hard to convey to others what's wrong when I don't even know what's wrong myself. I feel empty and broken like nothing would be better that not not be.

[drunk-cephalopod-orgy]

(Inner monologue) I miss the days when I could just look at somebody and fall in love. When I could admire everything about them and not doubt myself. I have been rejected and made a fool so many times the fear of being enough is unbearable. It's as if all the people around me are a constant reminder that I stand out. My features are not slender and fragile as society tries to depict what boys want. I hate the sensation of knowing this. The worst part is that horrible 'what if'. What if he was looking at me, what if he thinks I'm beautiful, what if he loves my personality. Words spoken by a downright fool. Words of a girl who was foolish enough to give her heart to a selfish boy. I am constantly led astray by your gestures, the shifting of those beautiful eyes of yours. As if there was more depth behind your words then the true meaning. There's a part of me that let's people read through my poems and listen to my songs. There's this sick comfort in knowing someone knows the troubled thoughts of my head. There's a comfort in the fact that I know you better than those other girls. Not just what you've said, but what I've read on your face. I'm terrified, I'm terrified, I'm terrified, that if I have you your own personal porthole into my ocean of jumbled thoughts that you would reject me. That the insanity of it all would drive you back to land. I live in a world of pretend, where fictional stories are a possibility. I'm a wreck because my heart is a confused organ. It can't tell a friendly "hello", from an "I love you". As if I even could comprehend love. Yet somehow I know it, I've felt it. There is such thing as young love, for that is the pulse of the heart, to feel. But it gets confused. The mind deludes the heart with fabricated untruths of you. Of the person I so want you to be. I am going to be honest with myself and say I would love any boy who showed the slightest amount of interest in me. Such a horrifically naive heart that seeks out good in everything. Especially handsome boys. But have you ever met a handsome boy with good intentions. I have not. Nor will I ever let go of that hope. So there. I cannot let myself be hopeful about you. I would end up humiliating the both of us, and looking like a fool. Besides, how could you love me. Maybe you would if you saw the inside, but boys never look within.

[mrclassic]

#innermonolouge

[freckledhobo]

It's hard to sleep when your heart is at war with your mind.. #quote #words #truth #heart #mind #feels #depressed #depression #war #ohsexykaty #modeling #model #redhead #redhair #freckles #freemoneysquad #pose #lips #lipstick #photo #photography #innermonolouge #floral #bright #sleep #insomnia 📷: @brian_fall 👕: @freemoneysquad 💁🏻: @freckledhobo