#inferiorityjunkie

[beta-thoughts]

I was cucked by a girl and I liked it...

-Not my picture, just to be clear-

So I've been meaning to write about this for some time because this is several months ago it happened but haven't really been sure what to write or how to write or what to share and not share. Don't want to overshare and break consent without explicit permission. So I'll just land in saying Madame cucked me with another girl - for the sake of this let's call her F.

I won't get into the specifics of how/where/when and such but yeah, wanted to share that it happened and that I absolutely loved it. Oh...and some highlights still because why not right?

+ When Madame asked F if it was cool that I was there and F looked over her shoulder and simply stated that "yeah, he can sit in the corner"

+ Seeing and hearing them enjoy each other...but also not having a great view so I could basicaly hear more than I saw.

+ The smell of them!

+ Madame ordering me to lick her clean afterwards while they were cuddling

+ Them speaking about me in 3rd person while I was cleaning up.

That's it - feel free to ask questions or shoot a DM if you wish.

[beta-thoughts]

Inferiority and me - A love story

So let's talk a little bit about inferiority shall we? First of all I fully respect that the word itself can trigger some uncomfortable associations with some folks. That's why I wanted to try to explain how I see it and what it means to me. And if you still find it hard to digest, well then please just try to think of it as a "Your kink is not my kink but your kink is ok" type of thing. And also, this is my view, my experience. That doesn't make everything true for everyone. Everyone's desires and hopes and background is different.

With that little disclaimer out of the way then. Inferiority. It kind of means less right, being less. It doesn't mean the inferior party has less human value, less rights to have their needs (well some of them) taken cared of or that they should spent 24 hours a day chained up in a basement when not licking shoes and degrading themselves for entertainment of the betters. Unless that's your thing of course and then, hey go for it.

So what is it then in my view? Well at it's core it's a power dynamic of course. It's dominance and submission. But it goes a little bit beyond that as well, a little deeper in a way. I'm talking about a dynamic between two or more parties where the roles has been engrained into the relationships to the extent where it's no longer "just" play. It's no longer where one (or more) has chosen to submit and one (or more) has chosen to dominate. It's where it's just a natural part of the relationship. How you interact, behave, obey, control, humiliate, belittle, perform and whatever words you chose. Where if I'm told to do something, I do it not only because I have chosen to submit but because it is the natural response to someone better than me telling me to do it. And on the other side (although I admittedly don't have many dominant cells in my body) you dominate and assert your dominance not only because you've chosen to take that role, but because it's your natural response in the dynamic with the bottom. When it just makes sense. All within agreed limits of course.

Behaviors and actions over time creates an environment where the submissive can't help but look up at his or hers superiors and the dominant can't help but look down at the submissive. It certainly doesn't happen overnight and I think it probably takes a special kind of dominant and a special kind of submissive to get there. And it's not for everyone either and that's fine. It's not a goal, saying this type of dynamic is better or more real or whatever. Whatever floats your boat right.

But what floats my boat leaving me on the seas of submissive bliss, is when I can look up towards a dominant, seeing that they truly see me as inferior and me feeling to the core that the natural, proper thing to do is obey. And then they'll get what they deserve which is my utmost obedience and dedication towards improving their life, be it with chores, amusement or just staying out of the way. And I will get what I deserve which is them pushing me to deliver on my promise of subservience, through their words, through their actions, through the humiliation of being less, through denying me what they can freely have. I deserve that because I might be inferior, but I'm also pretty frickin awesome and I deserve to get to thrive in my role at the bottom of the pack where happiness and purpose lies. Serving the superiors so they can enjoy themselves. What better purpose can one have?

And I'm not talking fantasy, I'm talking reality. Important distinction. Oh, and two more words that shouldn't be needed but unfortunately are - Consent and Communication. Consent all the fucking way and loads and loads of communication. Without those two words you're just fucking up yourself or someone else and hey, don't do that. Deep dynamics takes hard work from everyone involved to build.

Want to discuss? Share experiences? Tell me I'm a weird? My virtual door is always open!

[beta-thoughts]

Mhmh, yeah definitely this. Looks a bit uncomfy after a while but allowed to watch the betters deservingly enjoying themselves though so not necessarily (I hate spelling that word) a bad day all in all.

[beta-thoughts]

Something about this just speaks to me. The obvious difference between them. The looking down, the looking up. The casual, amused smiles of his betters. The Bondage. Chained to the wall. The naked floor his home for hours to come. Being put in storage until needed. Makes me all squirmy and stuff...

[beta-thoughts]

When your caged dick all of a sudden is the topic of discussion in the boardgame discord group chat… 🙈

(Yes, our boardgame group consists of kinksters)

[beta-thoughts]

Man in the opposite couch getting a cozy, slow handrub under his pants from his gf. Me across the table, caged cock and having my balls flogged by Madame. Sometimes the differences are very obvious.

[beta-thoughts]

A kind of love letter to the kink family!

So something happened this passed weekend that I wanted to highlight in a post. Or well…a lot of things happened this weekend and I think I’ll write about another, more sexy thing tomorrow. But today I want to show my appreciation for this community. The kink community when it’s at it’s best. 

Quick setting - we were on a cabin trip getaway. I don’t want to share too many details this openly but 25-30 ish bdsm-ers in an isolated cabin for a couple of days. Loads of fun in a lot of ways.

Anyway. At one point I was with Madame and she had left her shoes by a couch where a bunch of people were just sitting and hanging out and chatting and such. She asked me to go get them and I did. I was at this point wearing a pair of briefs with an open butt which has some semi-relevance to the story. I was kink-dressed basically. So I went in there and as I bent down to grab Her shoes, a guy sitting on one of the couches lightly smacked my butt with a riding crop. Neither me or Madame knew him from before or had any dynamic or consent agreed with him. I didn’t react at the time, I just got the shoes and left. I should have reacted, I’ll get back to that, but I didn’t. My brain was just ”get the shoes, that’s what I’m here to do”. So I just left quickly. But what I learned later was that a woman who was also sitting there, she reacted on my behalf and told him that you can’t do that because of X, Y and Z. Consent and that’s not how it works, sub doesn’t automatically mean sub to you and all that. Not creating any drama but clearly explaining that hey, you can’t do that. It’s not ok. And it makes me really happy and warm to think about that someone who I didn’t really know either, I only just met her the day before, had the wits and guts to stand up for me and my rights and stand up for the rules and practices we have that makes this community work despite all the ”horrible” things we do to each other. 

Then obviously Madame found out and even though I’m sure She was pretty pissed off on the inside She also calmly and without creating drama joined the conversation between him and the other lady. That also made me happy and made me feel safe. And he without any fuzz acknowledged that he was in the wrong, he sincerely apologized and explained why he had thought it was ok. Turns out he seemed like a genuinely alright guy but very inexperienced and had misunderstood the situation and what he had witnessed going on while at the cabin - he had not picked up on how everything is negotiated and agreed on one way or another. He had most likely seen other people beating my butt earlier that day but then under Madame’s agreement and supervision. 

And that’s why I’m also glad that the whole thing was solved without drama and just with a calm, mature conversation. People have the right to make mistakes, especially when they’re new at something and when it’s a genuine mistake and not just being an entitled asshole. It doesn’t make it ok but it happens. We’re all human and this was after all in the grand scheme of things no real harm done. And rather than scolding him and yelling and scaring him away or calling him out in front of the whole group, he got a learning opportunity which he also actually took and asked good, sincere questions to better understand the dynamics of things on these types of events. 

Now - should I have reacted myself? That’s mainly what I’ve been thinking about these last few days? Or well. Yes, I absolutely should have. But I have been thinking about why I didn’t. And I want to share that because well, maybe you reading this work the same way and want to discuss it. Have you been in a similar situation perhaps? Or maybe you reading this have a sub that works the same way and then it might help you understand them better which is a win-win for the both of you. Now there’s 2,5 reasons I didn’t react. The half one is that I was facing the other way so I didn’t see who it was. In the moment I thought it was another guy I was already a bit annoyed with because I just found him annoying and I just didn’t feel like talking to him. But having thought about it some more I don’t think that was a real reason. No, the first thing is what my focus was on. My focus was on getting those shoes and going back to Madame with the shoes. My mind was set on that so despite feeling the tap on my butt, my mind carried on with ”get the shoes and go back”, almost on autopilot. Had the hit been harder it might have changed. It wasn’t hard at all. That doesn’t make it more ok but a harder hit had perhaps snapped me out of autopilot. I’ll never know. And the other reason which is a bit more profound I suppose - when in that type of setting and in that mindset, I’ve already accepted that it’s not my decision who gets to hit me and how and when, it’s Madame’s decision. So in that situation - I’m feeling a bit vulnerable and exposed because of what I’m wearing, my mind is focused on a task, no matter how simple and trivial it might be, and I’m in sub-mode meaning in my head I’ve already accepted that anyone can slap my bum with a riding crop as long as Madame is ok with it. It’s in any case not up to me. Now this doesn’t mean I was right. Like I said, I should have reacted and at the very least I should have told Madame myself. But in that moment I just didn’t react mentally or physically to it at all. It just happened and that was that and I had something else I was doing. That’s something I need to learn from. But while I’m learning - I’m so happy and glad that this amazing community when it’s at it best - works the way it does. When we stand up for each other and our shared values, when we handle problems maturely and non-confrontational and when we accept when we were wrong and try to learn from it - well then the kink family is quite simply one hell of a family and I love to be part of it!

[beta-thoughts]

Me and the big C!

No, not that big C. Truth be told it’s perhaps not big enough to warrant it’s own headline. No, I’m talking about Cuckolding.

This might turn into a rather long post but it is what it is and you’ll read if you’re interested I assume. For a bit of context, the significant other in my life that has been mentioned in a post or comment or two - I’ll henceforth refer to Her with Her chosen title, Madame, for reference. The topic of cucking has been brought up between us in the past but more and more recently and again this past weekend. Madame has tasked me with writing a little piece about my view and how I feel and think about it. You see I’m a bit weird in weird ways and sometimes it’s easier for me to write about something first and then She can read it and then we can talk about it further. And a disclaimer - much of this post is going to come across as selfish and only from my perspective and I’m well aware that selfishness isn’t really befitting of my station but my orders are to write about this from my perspective so that’s what I’m, being good and obedient, is going to do.

So cuckolding. I listened to a podcast last week - it was an interview with a cuckquean (I’ll dig up the link if anyone wants it) and she said one thing that really resonated with me. She said she was a submissive first, something else that isn’t relevant here and now second, and a cuckquean third. And I’ve been thinking about that and how it relates to me and my kinks. You see I’ve realized that my kinks are only kinks if they play into my submissiveness. By themselves, a lot of them stop being kinks. I’ll give you an example before diving further into the C-kink. Buttplugs. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a buttslut. So if I shove a plug up my butt it feels nice, I like it. But in itself it doesn’t turn me on. It’s nice in the same way the sun feels nice against my skin, the same way a wonderful meal tickles my tastebuds. It’s pleasurable, but not necessarily a turn-on. Now being told to put the plug in, yes a little bit. Having to ask to take it out, yes that as well. But the plug being there as such - it’s not a ”thing” unless it’s made into a thing, if I’m told it’s a thing and why it’s a thing, if it’s used against me. Then we’re cooking and then it both turns me on and deepens my sense of submission and inferiority which is ultimately my biggest kink and turn-on.

And it’s the same thing with cuckolding. Just the fact that Madame is having sex with someone else with me there/not there, watching/not watching? Can I be happy for Her? Of course. But (and here comes the selfish part if the above wasn’t enough) - does it do anything for me? Nope. I’m not what you might call a stag in the cuckolding lingo. It only becomes a thing if it’s used against me, through humiliation, degradation, ridicule or belittling (in a non-age play way just to be clear). Being ignored could work as well if it feels deliberate. But I need that external verbal or physical stimuli for it to become something that both arouses me and pushes me further into sub headspace where I’m also more easily aroused. I need to have it rubbed in my face, who knows, maybe literally.

And I’m going to keep rambling now because I’m on a roll. I took this train of thought a step further and tried to think of when don’t I need that external stimuli for a kink to become a kink. Bondage and restraint is the first thing that comes to mind. In bondage (Yay rope!) or somehow restrained I can self-feed the energy that pushes me deeper into sub headspace. I don’t need anyone else to do it for me. Same thing with sensory deprivation. And with impact play although not so much during but in the afterglow of endorphins I can also channel that sub energy myself without having it enforced onto me. Maybe things like corner time or being locked away in a cage or a closet or something could have a similar effect as well but I have virtually no experience with that so I don’t know. But I could imagine it could work as it’s a sort of restraint in way. But that’s it I think. I have like a million kinks but most of them only come into play if they feed into submission or are made to feed into submission. So now I’m actually sat here worried I’m a very high maintenance sub which is not at all what I want to be. And in one way I’m not because I’ll still do pretty much anything besides my limits and I’ll (for the mostpart) do them without fuss and to the best of my ability at the time. I don’t brat, I don’t go looking for punishments, I try to be the best I can be. But from the perspective of someone wanting me to get a high (or rather low) from stuff, yeah I think I’m unfortunately rather high maintenance. Which sucks because I hate the idea of making things more difficult. I would like myself to be an instrument with loads of strings that it’s easy and wonderfully delightful for someone to play and create melodies on the go. And I do have a ton of strings, they’re all over the place. But actually playing them with purpose and intent…yeah, I’m afraid that takes more effort than I’d like. 

But back to cuckolding. Sorry, this is like my strings, all over the place. Maybe I’ll cut this up into a couple of separate posts later, would perhaps make more sense. But let’s give a think then to why cuckolding is a kink…when it’s made into a kink in accordance with my extensive rambling above. I think it boils down to three things:

The more people that are above me, the further down I am in the hierarchy and that idea is very appealing. Perhaps I’m even actually poly in a kink setting, the thought has crossed my mind but let’s leave that for another day. So ideally, again from my selfish point of view, I’d like the third (or more) persons to be dominant towards me as well. That reinforces my place and I like that. It’s not a necessity but ideally, yes in some way. I don’t care about the dynamics above me as long as I’m on the bottom or at least close to it.

Someone else is getting what I’m not getting or am allowed/deserve to get. That doesn’t have to be sex but orgasmic pleasure is obviously a very strong statement to drive the point of where my place on the ladder is to it’s extreme.

This ties into the other two I suppose but the sheer humiliation of being less is very obvious in a situation where I’m excluded from an activity two or more other people are engaging in that looks like it’s fun. 

But then back again - the simple act of two people having sex, even if one of them is a Woman I love in itself is not a kink or a turn-on for me. It’s not a limit either, I can be happy for Her and glad She’s getting what She wants. But if I’m to get something out it - I need that external verbal or physical stimuli for it to ”do” something for me.

Jeepers, that’s a lot of words. Apologies for taking up the lion’s share of your evening but also thank you for reading to the end. I’m happy to discuss if anyone wants to - just leave a comment or send an ask or a DM. As you might have gathered…I’m not opposed to writing or chatting about this stuff. Or any stuff.

[beta-thoughts]

This sums up pretty well what my mind have been wandering towards today. A few detours through thoughts of tease/denial, spanking and humiliation but ending up with bondage, sensory deprivation and being locked away under the mocking words and laughs of the superiors.

Yes, have been edging. No haven't been cumming. Yes, is a squirmy mess this evening.

[beta-thoughts]

Sexually, I just might be a woman...

So lately I've been thinking a lot about my sexuality. You see except for being mocked and teased for not being allowed to have it (which I love), I have very little interest in penetrative sex (except if I'm the one being penetrated of course). I've read up a lot on asexuality because I thought perhaps that was what I was. Turns out I'm not, it just doesn't fit on me at all. But what I think I've concluded with is that sexually, I'm a lot more like a woman than a man which is a fairly profound (and unexpected) conclusion to reach.

When I get really horny, I get what I like to refer to as drippy and squirmy. And the hornier I get the more drippier and squrimier I become. I fidget, I can't sitt still, I start biting my lip, my hips start to move by themselves to find something to rub against, I can't think straight and the only thing I want is to touch myself or be touched. And I love (and hate) it there on the edge. Where I'm just completely consumed my own desires. And to then be denied or even being able to touch because there's a cage in the way. Man, that complete desperation, that's my nirvana, my life on the edge! But at no point when I'm that horny do I think that what I really want is to penetrate something. I don't want to fuck in the conventional sense. Not even as a hormone filled teenager did I function even remotely the same as the other boys in regards to this so it can't be something I've picked up through kink over the years, I'm pretty sure I must have been born this way.

So essentially, I'm what some might call a denial slut. I don't know if that is even a thing in a male setting but if not, well you just met your first. Very nice to meet you. Oh and I'm a complete buttslut too by the way but that I've known for a long time. Two for the price of one.

So I'm curios. How common is this? I know a lot of guys as well as girls like edging and denial of course. But for guys, to the point where fucking isn't even a thing in your head. Where it's just the humiliation of the denied elusive orgasm that drives you into submissive bliss?

Is this something someone recognizes? Am I a unicorn or part of a community of male denial sluts? Would love to hear from you, guy or girl with experience or curiosity and want to talk more about what makes me or you tick!