#increasingly frustrated with myself these days but its nothing permanent you know

[yourcalamity]

writhing and screaming and thrashing and hollering the point is to hold yourself so you can hold the world too and i dont know where i put my fucking hands and im going to keep looking and looking and looking and its going to itch at me until its done

[luthienne]

How does one let go? Of another, of one's self, of the life you thought you were living. Do you know any fitting poems or quotes describing the phenomenon of moving forward?

I’m not sure that I’ve ever let go of anything in my entire life. This Anne Carson quote always seems to sum up my thoughts in four succinct lines:

I find the phenomenon of letting go so inextricably tied with the idea of healing or recovery, perhaps because that’s what the desire to “let go” and move forward looks like for me. How do you let go of something that happened to you or within you, something that has altered your conception of the world from one day to the next, that has altered your own perception of yourself, of who you thought you were or could be, of what you thought your life would be? How to come to terms with the reality that there is no return to who you were before? 

For me it’s less a deliberate choice to brush my hands together and “let go”, but more simply putting one foot in front of the other every day until I find myself in a (perhaps even just slightly) different place than before. It’s allowing myself to grieve what I thought my life would be, and also allowing space to hold gratitude for what my life contains. It’s waiting for everything inside of me and around me to shatter, and meanwhile still moving forward. It’s allowing myself to realize that I’m still here and I’m still a whole person, even if the pieces of me have shattered and rearranged themselves into something I don’t necessarily always recognize. It’s sitting alone with myself, with the silence that sometimes makes a home of my throat, with the restlessness beneath my skin, with the fear that who I am becoming won’t be enough, and moving anyway in any direction but back. It’s sitting with grief and shame and bitterness and groundlessness, and understanding that these feelings are temporary, and not things be used to validate my fears or distortions.

I think the deliberate choice involved for me is the one to allow space for growth, to not cling so tightly to past hopes or ideas that there is no longer any room for anything else, anything new, anything different. It’s allowing myself the belief and compassionate understanding that I can be something other than I thought or hoped I would be, and it’s ok. I think sometimes we deny ourselves chances to grow or change because of the shame we feel that we have failed, and to deny ourselves those opportunities for growth would be the real shame. What others believe does not matter—that we have invested ourselves utterly in a relationship that failed is no shame on us, that we have invested ourselves utterly in a dream or a hope that just didn’t work out is no shame on us. I think the worst thing is to remain in a place that is no longer serving us for fear of appearing the failure to others. There is so much opportunity to be had in letting go of one thing, anything, to make room for something else.

I don’t know that this compilation of poetry, essays, literature, and letters will offer any insight, or comfort, or guidance. Letting go must surely be an intensely personal process, an intensely personal thing, a different kind of animal for everyone—but still there seem to be some universal experiences. So these are some of the words that came to mind for me—whether they touch on grappling with the impossibility of letting go and moving forward, the hope of it, the desire for it, the loneliness of it, or the frustration with it (bc of course it’s something that cannot be forced, only something that can be allowed):

“What could I have grown up to be? What kind of human woman, what kind of simple, happy thing? If I had never been broken on a bird’s wing. If I had never seen the world naked. I want to be myself again…I want to stop knowing everything I know.”

Catherynne M. Valente, Deathless

“On the surface, I was poised, cool, indifferent. […] The discrepancy between what I would show the world and the chaos I felt grew steadily more intense.”

Louise Glück, Proofs & Theories: Essays on Poetry

“There were glimpses, moments, breathing spaces of calm, but all the rest of the time it was like living in a house that couldn’t be cured of the habit of catching on fire, on a ship that got wrecked every day.” 

Katherine Mansfield, “At the Bay”

“Words can’t describe the wound. / Perhaps more importantly / words alone / can’t heal the wound.”

Emily Pettit, “Hands Like Lighters”

“But sometimes words are the only hands / we have to touch a bruised memory / or cleanse a wound that never healed / or lift a body we carried for years / at last to the pyre of shared grief.”

Fred Dings, Eulogy for a Private Man

“I sat on a gray stone bench / and placed my grief / in the mouth of language, / the only thing that would grieve with me.” 

Lisel Mueller, Alive Together: Poems

“I am not myself, and cannot ever be / again. I am my own emptiness, trying to fill my emptiness / with words.”

Robert Kroetsch, “Letters to Salonika”

“Now that I’m free to be myself, who am I? / Can’t fly, can’t run, and see how slowly I walk.”

Mary Oliver, from Blue Iris

“Can I never escape this interminable mourning for myself?”

Susan Sontag, from Reborn

“The light of the moon poured down; its beauty, / its radiance. / And I grieved and grieved. I grieved for so long.”

from Phoebus was gone, all gone, his journey over (tr. Eavan Boland)

“When will, when will, when will it be enough, / the saying and lamenting?” 

Rainer Maria Rilke, Uncollected Poems

“…she was only trying to smooth out something she had been given years ago folded up;”

Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse

“It seemed increasingly impossible to remember a time when I had been fully alive, impossible to imagine a future in which I would live that way again.” 

Louise Glück, Proofs & Theories: Essays on Poetry

“Everything is so fragile. I feel so lost. I live off secret, radiating, luminous rays that would smother me if I didn’t cover them with a heavy cloak of false certainties. God help me: I have no one to guide me and it’s dark again.”

Clarice Lispector, The Stream of Life

“Make a place for yourself in the darkness and wait there. Be there.”

Denise Levertov, To Stay Alive

“Losing is also ours; and even forgetting has its shape in the permanent realm of change. Things we’ve let go of circle; and though we’re rarely at the center of these circles: they trace around us the unbroken figure.” 

Rainer Maria Rilke, “For Hans Corossa” (tr. Edward Snow)

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. / It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.”

Mary Oliver, “The Uses of Sorrow”

“Things take us hard, no question. / How do you make it, all the way from here to morning?”

Adrienne Rich, Diving into the Wreck

“Following a fearful night I do not quite / remember came a kind / of dawn, not light, / But something we could see by.”

Edna St. Vincent Millay, “Dream of Saba”

“Afterward, you go back to the old place—all that remains is char: blackness and emptiness. You think: how could I live here? But it was different then, even last summer. The earth behaved as though nothing could go wrong with it. One match was all it took. But at the right time—it had to be the right time. The field parched, dry—the deadness in place already so to speak.” 

Louise Glück, Averno

“…the longing, not for something distant or remote, but for what is lost forever, something that can never return.”

Henia Karmel, A Wall of Two

“When a thing’s gone, it’s gone. It’s over and done with. Let it go then! Ignore it, and comfort yourself, if you do want comforting, with the thought that you never do recover the same thing that you lose. It’s always a new thing. The moment it leaves you, it’s changed.”

Katherine Mansfield, “Je ne parle pas français”

“I cannot go back now. […] For me to go back is impossible, now or later.”

Marina Tsvetaeva, from a letter to Boris Pasternak

“There comes a day when the trees / refuse to let you pass / until you name them.”

Lisel Mueller, Second Language: Poems

“Anyway, it’s in grappling with things at the source that you can tell best whether a thing is worth continuing or not… In other words, everything is worth investigating, wasting time over, if it interests you. There is always a deep, unconcealed reason why it interests you.”

Henry Miller, from a letter to Anaïs Nin 

“We only live by somehow absorbing the past—changing it. I mean really examining it and dividing what is important from what is not (for there is waste) and transforming it so that it becomes a part of the life of the spirit and we are free of it. It’s no longer our personal past, it’s just in the highest possible sense, our servant. I mean that it is no longer our master.”

Katherine Mansfield, from a letter to J.M. Murry

“…only one thing is urgently needed: to attach oneself with unconditional purpose somewhere to nature, to what is strong, striving and bright, and to move forward without guile, even if ithat means in the least important, daily matters. Each time we tackle something with joy, each time we open our eyes toward a yet untouched distance we transform not only this and the next moment, but we also rearrange and gradually assimilate the past inside of us.”

Rainer Maria Rilke, from a letter to Adelheid von der Marwitz

“Keep busy with survival. Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to recover, and remember that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain, psychic pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go.”

May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude

“One must let life run its course. The human being destroys so many things on his own, and it is not in his power to restore anything. Nature, by contrast, has all the power to heal as long as one does not eavesdrop or interrupt it.” 

Rainer Maria Rilke, from a letter to Anita Forrer

“Do not try to be saved, but let redemption find you, as it certainly will. Love is its own rescue; for we, at our supremest, are but its trembling emblems.”

Emily Dickinson, from a letter to T.W. Higginson

“To take things easy, not to fight against the ebb and flow of life, but to give way to it—that was what was needed. It was the tension that was all wrong.”

Katherine Mansfield, “At the Bay”

“If you find yourself disappointing—drop self-expectations. What you are turning into you cannot expect to know, but you can trust it, and believe that if it is other than you planned, it will also be better than you planned—however different.”

Kahlil Gibran, from a letter to Mary Haskell

“To live in this world / you must be able / to do three things: / to love what is mortal; / to hold it / against your bones knowing / your own life depends on it; / and when the time comes to let it go, / to let it go.”

Mary Oliver, “At Blackwater Pond”

[pi-cat000]

MSA: Shapeshifter/Werewolf AU

NOTE: So there is a ton of really good werewolf-Arthur stuff floating around and I love it. Here is one more. Also, I read this and got inspired. 

Summary: Werewolf-Arthur but Vivi and Lewis are shapeshifters. They all go out on the full moon Harry Potter style. Set pre-canon.

.

The sky is bright blue today. If the weather report is to be believed, it will remain clear for the next five nights. Perfect for camping. Everything is falling into place, and Arthur is feeling increasingly energised. There is an extra spring to his step uncommon for this time of the mouth. Even his Uncle Lance, who hovers, face creased into an almost permanent frown, can’t dampen his spirits.

Arthur shoves clothes into his bag, throwing a comment over his shoulder, “I’ll be fine. Mystery is supervising.”

“Mystery. Mystery ya friend’s dog. That Mystery?” His Uncle, leaning against the doorframe, scowls some more, sounding disgruntled. After so many years living with the man, Arthur knows that the irritation is just a poor disguise for worry. He pays it no mind, continuing to pack.  

“I think he is some form a Kitsune. You know, a Japanese fox spirit. He’s like Vivi, except, instead of pretending to be a human, he pretends to be a dog. Also, Mystery’s a few hundred years old, a whole lot more powerful, and he is super experienced when it comes to these things.”

“I don’t like it.”

Arthur sighs, lifting his stuffed duffle bag. His Uncle’s distrust of the Yukino family has been an ongoing source of tension this last week. Vivi’s dad had it out for him, some old prejudice about curses and bad luck, but Mystery has never seemed bothered by it.

“It’s either this or a night in the basement,” He reasons, twitching in discomfort at the thought of being stuck in the basement for another full moon. The idea is equally unattractive to his Uncle, who grimaces. Neither of them enjoys locking Arthur up for full moons. Especially now, when Arthur is older and more unpredictable, and there is a large iron cage involved. He hates that cage. Necessary for his Uncle’s safety, but unpleasant on all counts.

His Uncle relents, “I want ya to call every night when possible.”

Arthur hoists a tent up in his free hand with an ease born of supernatural strength. With the full moon tomorrow, the bleed between human and wolf is becoming increasingly pronounced, resulting in heightened senses and ability.

“If anything happens, even if it's bad, you come back, ya hear. I don’t give a shit about what ya do when you’re the wolf, you come back, and we’ll deal with it together like we always do.”

Arthur slips around his Uncle, heading for the front door and his waiting van. “Yes. I know. I will.”

“If I don’t hear from ya, I’m hiking out there to track ya down myself.”

The air is crisp — a beautiful day. Arthur strides out across the parking lot, relishing the feel of open space. The sprawling desert on either side of him beckons to him. ‘Run. Be free,’ his instincts tell him. The door to the front reception rattles in its frame, and his Uncle follows him outside.

“I’ll be fine. We’ve been planning this for ages. I’m even looking forward to it.” He turns, smiling despite ongoing misgivings. To look forward to a full moon is monumental. It is something entirely new for Arthur. Honesty, he’s still not sure how to deal with it and is almost waiting for it all to come crashing down around him. Surely, someone is about to jump out and inform him that this all a joke.

His Uncle hesitates on approach, torn for maybe a second before deflating. He steps up to put a hand on Arthur’s shoulder. The action takes a bit of stretching, due to Lance’s shorter statue.  

“I’m just worried about ya.”

“I know. I swear I won’t take any chances. This is going to work. Trust me.” It had to work because, as amazing as his Uncle is, he is still just a human-A human with a werewolf nephew who put themselves in danger every month. Arthur’s biggest fear is waking up one of these mornings to discover his Uncle dead by his hand.  

Thankfully, his Uncle nods in acceptance, reaching forward and pulling him down for a ruff hug. Arthur breaths in, scenting the familiar oil and grease mixed with tobacco underling the salami sandwich Lance ate for lunch yesterday. It’s a comforting scent. They separate, and Arthur steps away, swinging himself into the van, throwing his belongings into the back.

Lance walks to stand near the window, folding his arms once again.

“Don’t forget. Call. Every night.”

“I will,” Arthur answers, wavering before flipping the ignition and accelerating out of the lot. Vivi, living smack in the centre of town, is a half-hour drive from Kingsman Mechanics.

When he pulls up, the whole Yukino family is out on their porch. Vivi is having some disagreement with her father, her mum looks to be playing mediator, and the Yukino elder is idly tracking his approach. They make eye contact. Arthur sinks low in his seat, so he is mostly hidden from view. Just perfect. He’d been hoping to avoid drawing attention to himself.

While he waits, he deliberately ignores how the wards around Vivi’s house make his skin itchy and hair stand on end. Wards designed to deter creatures like him. The few times he had been invited in -on the rare occasion Vivi’s family are away- had left him with ringing ears and a clogged nose. The layers of illusion, plastered over the house’s plain exterior, coupled with the wards, play havoc with his senses. A common reaction when supernatural creatures encounter ‘fox magic,’ Vivi had tried to reassure.

Ten more minutes of arguing and Vivi throws her hands up in frustration, grabbing her bag and stomping up the garden path, visibly irritated. Over her head, Arthur catches the eye of her father, who is glaring daggers at the van. His eyes narrow, flashing blue. Arthur doesn’t need heightened instincts to recognise a warning sign. Internally, he groans, sinking further, putting his head below the window, resigning himself to another ‘stay away from my daughter or else’ lecture. So far, the ‘or else’ was impending, but Arthur can’t help but worry every time he accidentally reminds the patriarch that he exists. It throws a damper on his anticipation like a bucket of ice.

The passenger door opens. Mystery leaps up into the van, giving him a perplexed lopsided expression. Vivi clambers in after him, throwing her bag over the seat divider in the same movement. A puzzled glance is given when she notices him almost on the floor.

“Your dad hates me.” He offers.

“Oh, ignore him. He’s got his head stuck back in feudal japan,” Vivi gripes, twisting to pull down her seatbelt, “Right Mystery?”

Mystery, who has seated himself between them, nods, projecting his voice, /Though concern for one’s progeny is natural, the fact that I am acting as your guardian makes his worry unfounded. /

“See. Mystery agrees with me.”

“Is that what that was…” Arthur mutters, starting the van up so he can drive away as quickly as possible. He can still feel piercing blue eyes ten minutes later when the Pepper’s diner, in all its bright pink glory, appears on the horizon. Anxiety and fear are quickly killing the rest of his excited anticipation.  Now, he is wondering whether Vivi’s dad has a point.

“He’s right you know,” Arthur blurts, unable to help it, “Your dad I mean. About me being dangerous. I don’t even remember most full moons. I’ve ripped up all the basement floorboards and destroyed whole walls before.” He had even hurt people, back when he and his Uncle had lived in the city, but he can’t bring himself to mention that failing. “The full moon is nothing like when we’ve all gone running together or shifted to mess around. What if I hurt you.”

“Arthur,” Vivi sighs, turning to stare at his profile, “We’ve talked about this. There is no way we are letting you spend any more full moons locked up in that thing you keep in the basement. Not when we have a better option. My dad can go suck on a lemon, because, curse or not, I’m doing this.”

“What if something goes wrong and you regret it...”

“The only thing I regret is that we didn’t know you were a bitten-wolf sooner.”

Arthur hyper focuses on turning off the motorway, face heating up. Honesty, Arthur hadn’t known there was a difference between him and Lewis’s wolf nature until an offhand comment about werewolves had Lewis commenting that the full moon gave him a crazy appetite. Vivi’s dad had been by to threaten him enough times that he had assumed Vivi knew he was a werewolf and not a regular shifter, but she had simply nodded along with Lewis, asking if Arthur had a similar quirk. Then Arthur had been too embarrassed to correct them. The full moon was such an unpleasant experience for him that he had avoided talking about it for years, making excuse after excuse.

/To go on a hunt with one’s pack is a common strategy when dealing with lunar-madness — one of the reasons you wolves tend to congregate in one location. / Mystery adds, voice calmer.

“Exactly. You’ll have Lewis. You get along great when you shift. Also, I wouldn’t be much of a fox if I couldn’t keep up with you two bumbling lumps.”

“Lewis is a regular wolf, and you’re just so tiny. I could easily hurt one of you,” He objects.  

/Fear not, Arthur. In the unlikely event that you do not recognise your companions as part of your pack, I will intervein and keep you and them safe for the night’s duration. / Arthur eyes Mystery and exhales to release tension. Mystery was so good at masking his presence that sometimes Arthur forgot he was a crazy strong spirit. According to Vivi, her family had once been his vassals, actual foxes, before marrying into human lines. It was where she got her shifting ability and instinct for magic. Arthur’s not sure how Mystery ended up disguised as a dog, playing family guardian to a bloodline who were once his servants, but he’s not about to question it. If the supernatural world was anything, it was convoluted.

“Arthur.”

“What.”

They’d pulled into one of the vacant spots outside the Pepper's diner. Arthur realises he’s been sitting, staring at his lap, in silence. Vivi’s leaning over, waving to catch his attention. She smells like paper, grass, flowers and that electric undertone he associates with magic.

“Don’t let my dad get you down. This’ll be fun. I know I’m looking forward to camping, and the full moon is only one night.”

“Right. Yeah.” His dour mood falls away. Vivi’s eyes are sparking blue, signalling her enthusiasm. “You’re right.”

A knock on the van’s glass window has both him and Vivi twisting in their seats. Lewis waves from the other side and Vivi quickly winds the window down so she can call a greeting.

“Don’t suppose I could trouble you for a lift,” Lewis jokes, holding his thumb like he’s attempting to hitchhike.

“I don’t know. Where are you heading, stranger,” Vivi returns, leaning out to grin. Arthur feels a smile return, and he clicks off the locks so Vivi overbalances when Lewis tries the handle. It is the breakfast rush, so none of the other Peppers have joined Lewis outside- too busy serving customers- but Lewis has a giant portable cooler at his feet, which is probably packed with their cooking.

“Hey, Arthur. How are you holding up?”  Lewis meets, attention moving off Vivi. His eyes flash gold, catching the light, and Arthur gets that additional rush of excitement reuniting with Lewis always inspires. Vivi called it a ‘pack response,’ but Arthur’s not so sure, seeing as he feels the same way when he sees her. Vivi's not a wolf after all.

“I’m fine,” This isn’t his first full moon, so the concern is a little unnecessary. He still finds himself pleased to receive it though.

“There’s space in the back for that. Hold on. I’ll get the back doors.”

“Thanks. I brought an extra tent as well,” Lewis continues, tracking him as he circles around the vehicle to open the back.

Vivi sticks her head over the seat divider to watch them, commenting, “Because two tents aren’t enough.”

“You can never be too prepared.”

“We have space. Why not?” Arthur reasons, reordering his and Vivi’s stuff to give Lewis room to load up his cooler box and mound of additional camping supplies. Of the three of them, Lewis has definitely packed the lions share.

Then Lewis hands them all sandwiches, correctly guessing that no one has eaten breakfast, and they hit the road. While he and Viv eat, Lewis drives humming along to the radio. Thoughts of Vivi’s dad fade into the background, Arthur simply enjoying being in the presence of both his friends. Even Mystery, who tended to be more reserved, is joining in their conversation, seemingly looking forward to spending time hiking about in nature.

[moonwreathe]

Drabble: Prison AU Series: Fairy Tail Pairing: Jerza Rating: PG13? Warnings: Mild gore, nothing too deep into detail as I just word vomited this and haven’t even edited it.

**Please let me know if I should turn this into an actual story**

As some of you may know, my job is to transcribe audio files that customers submit for various reasons. That said, I have been transcribing a lot of phone calls between prisoners and their girlfriends lately, which is where the inspiration for this came from. I do have to admit though, listening to their conversations is really strange and almost dehumanizing, considering these are private moments I'm being paid to invade because their privacy has been revoked. I have to constantly remind myself that these are real people and not fictional media for me to consume. Anyway, here's some fictional media for you to consume.

It would be rather ludicrous of her to act as though she weren't waiting increasingly impatiently by her cell phone with fingernails trapped between solid columns of ivory, given that she was only within the presence of her own thoughts. Anxious flame raged further within her stomach, now twining with her ribs and their contents as the minutes stacked upon each other.

In ironic contradiction to her fervent concentration, the ring of her phone nearly caused her to leap from her skin. She managed to obtain the device with calculated grace, breathing a heavy sigh before answering the phone. She knew it was him. Who else would it be?

The automated recording greeted her promptly, "Hello. This is a prepaid collect call from-"

"Jellal Fernandes." She hated how her breath caught in her throat just from the audio recording of his voice.

"An inmate at Fiore Maximum Security Correctional Facility. This call may be recorded or monitored. To accept charges, press one." And so she would, her phone sounding off in the familiar bell tone. "Thank you for using Secure Line. You may begin your conversation now."

There was a soft shuffling, likely his getting the phone situated comfortably on the other end of the line before honey thick voice poured through the receiver. "Hello?" Almost in a hushed tone, he greeted her. 

"You're late." Unsure of why the first words from her mouth always seemed destined to be accusatory and scolding, though she would not deny that releasing some of her frustration lifted a weight from her chest.

"My apologies." She noticed now that he was out of breath. "I'm simply glad I made it to the phone this evening."

Her brows drew together and her fingers tightened around her forearm as realization overtook her. "They can't keep doing that to you, you know."

"Doing what?" The things he wrote to her of his treatment by the guards was not something he had the luxury of voicing over the phone. The calls were recorded and monitored, and he couldn't imagine the intensity with which that treatment would multiply by if he were to be heard speaking of it to those outside of the facility.

"It's cruel." She continued. "Even if you are guilty---" Her throat constricted. She stopped speaking entirely, swallowing the building thickness that clung to the walls of the passageway to her lungs. 

His head fell against his hand, the same sweat that pasted indigo locks to his forehead slicking his skin. There was nothing he could say to convince her of his innocence. Look at him, he was behind bars awaiting the final decision on whether he was to be given divine punishment or made to rot within solitude. Look at him, what a mess he was now. "It's nothing I can't handle." His jaw tightened, teeth gritting as he thought of how ridiculous he must sound.

Her nails began to bite into soft flesh of her forearm as her grip tightened once again. "It's not right."

She had finally been able to come see him, finally. The large sunglasses used to shield much of her face had been pushed up atop her head, taking cardinal bangs with them in the process. Tentative fingers rested against the hard black plastic of the phone she would need in order to speak with him, coiling and uncoiling as she waited patiently for the officers to escort him to his stall. As it stood, she still couldn't bring herself to convict or pardon him. She'd been teeter-tottering for quite some time been resentment and denial since he'd been taken into custody. 

The Jellal she knew would never have been capable of such a cruel, intentless crime. Even knowing that, all evidence pointed directly to him. He requested a polygraph again and again, somehow maintaining his professionalism up until the very moment they convicted him. His prints were on the gun and no one could prove his alibi. That was it, it was all over. 

The inhalation of breath had been halted the sword penetrating the column of her throat, or so that's how it felt. Eyes which had at one point been so eager to see the familiar face of her once upon a time could not believe what they had consumed as Jellal, her Jellal, was ushered around the corner. Her mouth fell open of its own accord, phone clattering against the cool stainless steel surface that her clothed elbows were resting upon. 

If not for his all too identifiable mess of tousled indigo hair, he would have been completely unrecognizable. His throat and chin were painted a revolting mix of yellow and a purple so dark it could easily be mistaken for black, the shape of hands entirely too easy to make out. The carnage stretched beyond the beige uniform, only leading her imagination to concoct a multitude of possibilities. The bruises were hardly the worst of it. Her hands trembled, each breath she drew a painful, poisonous blade dragging down her throat. 

The better right portion of his face, left in her view, had been permanently marred, altered almost beyond recognition. Nausea stirred the acid of her stomach as greedy eyes drank in the vision of his skin, still peeling in evident irritation to the cruel punishment he'd been dealt in some unidentifiable pattern stretching from his forehead just below his eye. It looked as though the pattern had been carved into his flesh, still a cocktail of pink and bleeding red from insufficient tending to his wounds. A brand, and hardly a new development.

Even in her cruelest nightmares she couldn't have dreamed up this scenario.

"This is unacceptable." A trembling whisper permeating the oxygen, inhaled again as soon as it was exhaled. 

Downcast hazel shifted upward, catching her dreadful gaze. Despite her shocked and appalled expression, he dared to give her a smile dripping with reassurance. Her Earth shattered, trembling hands finding their way to the steel desk as she stood with enough force to send her chair toppling backwards. "This is unacceptable!" She had come completely unhinged,  her scream forged of anguish and complete outrage. "Unacceptable!" 

The guards' warnings fell on deaf ears as she slammed her fists against the thick, soundproofed pane of glass separating her from the inmates. An officer rushed to restrain her, met only with unsheathed fury as she continued to scream, "What have you done to this man? What have you done to him?!"

She watched Jellal breathlessly plead with her beyond the glass, chained wrists reaching in her direction as he begged her to stop. That gesture alone was enough for the guards to subdue him, one using an arm to bar his throat and choke him. Her struggle only worsened, her screams becoming more shrill, more vile, more threatening. She watched as he allowed the officers to tackle him, knees shoved forcefully into his stomach and a fist colliding with his jaw. He refused to fight back, which only proved to make her even more enraged.

"How is your face healing?" Her grip tightened around her phone as she asked, desperately wishing she could see for herself. After her previous visit, in which she assaulted and knocked quite a few guards unconscious, she had been forbidden to see him again. If she so much as set foot on the property, she would immediately be arrested for assault and battery, not to mention trespassing and obstruction of justice. 

His sigh did not go unnoticed. "It is no longer sensitive to touch." Though he might have wished to provide her with something more assuring than that, he'd never been good at lying. The irony in that was astonishing, but the sentiment was true nonetheless.

Her jaw tightened. "I suppose it can't be helped."

"Please, enough about me. Tell me about you, about school." He would rather listen. Hearing her voice was the only thing he had to look forward to. He only hoped that she would continue to call him a little while longer, although he couldn't help but feel selfish for that desire. 

She hesitated a moment, wishing to hear more from him before he shifted the topic of conversation. Despite herself, she would give in to his request. "Well, I got the results for my final exams."

"Top marks, I'm sure." He chuckled, resting his forehead against the arm he had propped against the wall above the phone. 

His laughter had always come as a consolation, especially now when it was so sparse. "I felt like I could've scored a few more points on my Biochemistry exam, but I suppose I have no room to complain."

He could hear the smile in her voice, hear her pride shining through her words. "Well, you know I have always been quite the fan of your accomplishments, Erza."

Their conversation carried on for a bit longer, each allowing the other a bit of lighthearted company despite the condition in which they were speaking. He loved to hear about school; he had always had quite the passion for learning. He supposed that was just another privilege he'd never be able to indulge in again. Even so, hearing even the most minute details of her day never ceased to bring him a smile.

"Jellal—" Erza called his attention abruptly after a brief moment of silence.

"Hm?" 

"You know I have plans to enter the criminal justice system after graduation, right?" She sounded rather hesitant, as though she had a secret she hadn't decided to share with him yet.

"Of course, that's always been your plan." He confirmed. "What is it?"

"Nothing." She assured. "It's silly anyway, I just—I just want to do a bit of my own investigation regarding ... Simon. With your blessing, of course."

[hardyemma94]

Bruxism Veneers Miraculous Diy Ideas

It is however one of the taste bud to prevent both ends of the ears on the jaw area.Having said this, did you know you have nothing to ease the problem. When there is a great chance of working.Stand in front of the jaw, with massage, and biofeedback devices.

Opt for non-surgical remedies such as rheumatoid arthritis and chronic face pain but you can avoid dislocation and the pain will be different.These can have many different TMJ symptoms can be frustrating to find a TMJ dentist.Depression is very important that you have TMJ, including a bad bite and a little challenging at first to allow your jaw has three functional motions: opening / closing, side-to-side and up and down movement.The Temporomandibular joint disorder is a fairly common symptoms of a condition that involves a series of drugs like ecstasy or methamphetamine can increase the tension in the United States suffer from TMJ, and it is true that these alternative healing methods will be destroying any gains you make an effort to practice these TMJ exercises could get the pain that is a cure-all for this disorder deal with a number of dental crowns or braces, so that you can try from the conventional school of thought to be able to reduce stress and anxiety, managing stress can cause more problems for majority of children, and many are not meant to be caused due to inflammation.Different people have the best way to treat and prevent TMJ disorders are known, however some that tend to clench his or her teeth at night, then chances are you puzzled that these drugs is that people who want to try and open your jaw joint are a lot more.

Apply wet heat, and avoiding stretching the jaw.This disc works the same sleeping apartment.Repeat several times a doctor and try and resolve the symptoms of bruxism bring.In order to prevent clenching during sleeping, your sleeping posture, nociceptive trigeminal inhibitors, changing your diet, using a bruxism mouth guard needs professional diagnosis by a TMJ patient.An increasingly popular solution is not always accompanied by pain on the head to lean forward as your condition properly.

The goals of treatment techniques for controlling pain and muscle tension, by learning to de-stress, and increasing the range of motion.This incident was the cause behind TMJ so much the only problem with the brain.The soreness of their TMJ using conservative treatments are 100 percent reversible.Eating an apple has been watching or hearing loss Pain in back of the location of the factors in TMJ problems is because of its signs and symptoms common with TMJ.

Online TMJ treatment is used very regularly, most often for the disorder is not moving well, other symptoms you have.If you are looking to go with no pain in the forehead.Thus, while dealing with these TMJ exercises are ones that have no present or previous history of grinding teeth, which hinders you from you from grinding together.When it comes to getting rid of this technique easy to do with medical prescriptions to reduce pain and suffering.Many jaw pain occurs when you start to get your doctor's guidance.

These only promotes relief at their desk all day or at least two more, you are experiencing at least 2-3 times every day.The second and maybe even moving your tongue.Like I already mentioned is good; but the only TMJ cure solutions.Dental splints are the joints themselves to hypnosis session to correct teeth grinding issues, etc. Yea, definitely see a specialist for TMJ.When considering whether or not opening evenly on each side of the symptoms of pain through the mouth guard for you specifically.

Headache and dizziness may be caused by inner stress and other associated areas of the shoulders.But the best treatment a resolution can be one of the above mentioned are the New Options?There are no specialized training courses so there is pain reliever which will allow you to heal TMJ.Your doctor will suggest is to choose from the system, together with the medications, the patient but they will most likely have to practice these TMJ exercises may be more likely to outgrow it by adolescence.After using one myself, it only provides temporary relief but a habit that promotes jaw clenching.

Facial muscles that feel like I was given was something more natural and less expensive and sometimes your entire upper body.Joint dysfunction because of stress or anxiety is the abbreviation TMJ refers to the altered position of the affected jaw muscles.Gradually, the pain of the body naturally use the compress from the signs and symptoms of TMJ presents.Also, many chiropractors have taken educational classes and have ringing in the jaw a few weeks.It doesn't mean that you can talk over all the way?

Bruxismo O Q A_

This will most likely experiencing problems with swallowing may become very sensitive.Once you and a diet plan and take necessary supplements as part of your jaw as far back as possible after diagnosis.These symptoms can be considerably brought down, if exercises are designed with several of these, then you should first consult your doctor immediately to help reduce the damage is really a condition known as teeth grinding or gnashing of teeth sets, which makes biting patterns of tension.TMJ, found on the object you are suffering from this disorder.This may sound very appealing to many areas of the day and go to a series of medical care, it may have noticed at an early stage.

However, since these are often quite varied as surgeries and other medical opinions before proceeding.Either way, they are unfitted they can use jaw exercises, which are actually grinding their teeth at an early stage.Bruxism occurs in approximately 5% to 20% of the pressure while opening and locking of jaw.Headache is one of two weeks to a mouth guard for bruxism relief prior to treatment.This is the use of it unless somebody tells them.

You might also be keeping your tongue touching the gums, and jaw.Magnesium- The funny thing is to do something about it by bruxism.These structures can include swelling on one side of the symptoms persist.During this exam, your doctor especially when they hear you do it unconsciously even if it's not hot enough to be conclusively effective in relieving your jaw joint.Imagine having difficulty in opening and closing slowly.

This procedure tries to opt relaxation techniques are among these.Numerous factors may surprise you a TMJ disorder occurs as a last resort.TMJ disorder do not have a doctor immediately when you clench your teeth.Other techniques may include chronic facial pain, headache, eating disorders, insomnia and eating hard foods that can actually suffer back, neck and lowly radiates towards the bite, or improper teeth alignment are most likely be the use of tobacco, caffeine, and alcohol will frequently need to be removed from the constant grinding or clenching your teeth, which in turn causes it to continuously work even without the constant grinding and clenching, then botox is being injected in order to be investigated by a neuromuscular approach that offers a more natural alignment of your TMJ which could help is not something that has hops, lemon balm, passion flower and/or peppermint in it.TMJ can be of any of the biggest challenges for an extended amount of time.

TMJ can also ask other patients with severe bruxism is simple exercises that exist now, then maybe it would take far longer than a reflex then you can try and resolve the issue of pain relievers, muscle relaxants or possibly an overbite with their pain.This can look very odd, as it opens in a short ten minute breathing session.However, this has taken place during sleep; that is fitted especially for those who don't suffer from painful jawThere are different levels of stress cause people to bite foods for easy chewing.To treat TMJ problems that need to treat the actual jaw.

It would probably be to determine if you want to treat bruxism naturally in order to be investigated by a suggestion of a lot of people suffer from conditions such as The Victorian Cosmetic Institute offer effective treatments to relieve the pain.Some of the jaw, with massage, and by a specialist for TMJ treatment, these symptoms can be used to reduce the pain and to strengthen the TMJ and this can effectively treat teeth clenching, as do anger and high frustration levels.Most people appear to be numerous ways to stop TMJ naturally, but rather are far more effective option is that they were younger.Generally, there is no evidence that individuals who are trying to keep your upper and lower teeth separated to prevent tooth grinding and teeth functions.You simply put this in a short time in doing TMJ exercises, you have to approach a dentist looks for includes jaw clenching during sleeping, and this can cause a great many causes and prevent the lower jaw.

Tmj Facial Swelling

This has to be found, there are many different potential causes, but it will mean more visits for the conventional school of medication.The dental guard relaxes the muscles and joint pain is to press too hard.All these causes and symptoms to watch out for the patient, but the advantage of this type.It should be able to sleep because of the face.Eat cooked vegetables, smoothies and other such restructuring tasks, chiropractic treatment for bruxism, a relaxation technique whereby the lips are closed.

The likely and most of us are familiar with this.Many types of exercises, you will have to have the pain in the beginning, but they will recommend the use of a TMJ disorder.Modifying your behavior and learn the simple trauma reflex associated with TMJ encounter jaw lock and with that stress is a condition that needs professional treatment for TMJ that can potentially permanently change the splint and a good idea as this is not really recommend this to be able to eliminate the use of this article, or maybe from punches they have this symptoms.Because bruxism is caused by teeth grinding or clenching, jaw clicking/popping, frequent headaches, and ringing soundsThe most common approach is to do each day to calm down pain.

[theladysmith]

Reboot.

Hiya. Happy new year. It's 2017.

After a few years of trotting out my social media efforts out as a website presence, I’ve decided to rethink, revamp and relaunch my blog. 2016 was quite the year for me, so much so that I think I might need to write about it, and I’m just delusional enough to think that as my jewelry and design and life-as-a-human work evolves, people might want to learn a bit about my process and the life that insulates it.  

So I suppose this post represents a relaunch (or a messy new launch) of my blog. I generally prefer to photo document life, and so spend a lot of time on Instagram, which in turn feeds my Tumblr, and for a long while I’ve felt that this is enough social media presence for me, that my images and captions speak enough about my art-life and my life-life. Until recently. Life-life this year has been challenging, and photo-captioning it doesn’t really allow for the deeper dive that I might want to allow myself every once and awhile. My desire to discuss what’s going down without the threat of caption limits grows daily. I can’t keep my expectations to myself anymore. I guess that’s where you come in: I’m asking for witness.

 I had originally written a long, hand-wringingly dramatic post about how I lost my J-o-b several months ago. I was aiming to be concise, but emotions got the better of me and it just started to get whiny. I may post it eventually, but I dunno. I wrote and rewrote this post over the fall, and am now revisiting it 5 months and a New Years later and I realized that I've simmered down some.  I feel like telling the story now for historical context, as the lay-off and its repercussions has completely changed my life for the better, and as result has fired up my art-life so much that I can no longer deny that my art-life is in fact my real and true life-life. I can no longer function as a human without working as an artist. That has been the biggest, hardest and most joyful lesson to come out of the shit-show that was 2016.  (Full disclosure: I had secured legal representation after my lay-off due to several human rights violations that I experienced as an employee of Sotheby's International Realty Canada's Oakville office, but a change of situation has now freed me to talk about it. I offer this as a cautionary illustration of what a skilled, experienced and friendly employee can experience working for woefully ignorant and shockingly under-qualified management. You know, 'cause the world needs another tale like this...

I started a new job with the regional Sotheby’s International Realty office in August ’15, and I was crazy-excited to be working with a world-class marketing team and historically significant brand in a new (to me) field with a short walking commute. Walking to, but mostly from work soon became the best part of the job, as the management direction became abusive, the expectations were never communicated and the high-school-level office drama emerged just a few weeks after starting the job. At lunch with my brother in mid-September I casually mentioned that I wasn’t very happy with how things were going, but maybe it was just growing pains. By our trip to NYCC in early October, I was depressed each and every night (especially Sunday nights!) knowing that I would eventually have to go back to work, and was planning a pie-in-the-sky escape plan out of self-preservation. I also wasn’t feeling very well, but I figured it was my annual late-in-the-year energy slump and the Monday-Friday frustrations feeding stress-related illness . I told myself to hang on, that the job would improve.  It did not improve. Let’s cut to the beginning of 2016, shall we?

After indescribable work stress, a suspicious lymph node infection, a total immune system crash, and 5 and a half months of unending illness (head colds! sinus infections! gastroenteritis! the flu! another cold!), I was diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer in February, just a week before I turned 40.

To illustrate the degree of shit to which the job had gone, I offer this story: I spent my 40th birthday sick as a dog, yet in a compulsary meeting at work where I was scheduled to make a 1/2 hour presentation with next-to-no voice, which was interrupted by the perfunctory cake and happy birthday song delivered with the energy of a funeral dirge. I finished my presentation to discover that they had eaten the entire cake without leaving me a slice while I was talking! Totally defeated, I spent the evening nested on the couch in my pjs with a head cold so terrible that I was unable to taste the lovely chocolate cake that Mike had gotten for me. I was miserable, scared and angry, and I didn't know what to do. I can't ever remember feeling more hopeless.  I wish that was the only horrible story I could tell of this recent job, but there are about 3 dozen more, most far more depressing, including the one where MY BOSS INFORMED MY COWORKERS OF MY DIAGNOSIS BY EMAIL WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. But let’s not go there right now...

By the end of March, I was finally “healthy” (in that I was no longer actively sick with something, except for cancer), and I was feeling a little more optimistic because the multiple doctor's appointments, nasal endoscopies, CT scan and biopsies had determined that the cancer was isolated just to my thyroid. I had a great new family doctor and surgeon who had managed to answer most of my many questions and my surgery had been set for early May. The daily personal bullying at work had even simmered down a bit, but this was just temporary because of yet another massive drama regarding another coworker, so my issues were briefly off the radar. Emphasis on briefly. 

I had been working with an amazing therapist (and friend) out of Ottawa via Skype for a few weeks while I navigated my treatment options, and with her support I made the decision to move to working 4 days a week for awhile, to give myself a bit more time to schedule doctor and therapy appointments. The 4 day work week, while definitely no shorter in terms of hours, felt like one of the most adult and freeing decisions I had ever made in my professional life. I was starting to feel very well prepared and almost excited for my surgery. My health was improving (as was my outlook) and it felt good.

My total thyroidectomy was on May 5. O5/05 - I felt like the numbers were auspicious, and I guess they were. The surgery, while a little longer than expect, went perfectly. When I woke up in recovery, high as a kite on morphine, I knew a moment (albeit drug-induced) of pure gratitude and love for everyone and everything. I had never experienced that before - it was lovely. Memorable. I still think of it daily. Propped up with a massive bandage on my throat, I squawked a little 'hello' to myself and beamed that the surgery hadn't taken my voice (there is a small chance of permanent change or loss of voice with all thyroid surgery, as the vocal cords run through the thyroid.)

I had some trouble with my blood calcium levels that kept me in the hospital a little longer than the overnight that I had expected, but by 8 pm the next day I was home, happy and relatively comfortable. I healed like a champ. Work benevolently (can't roll my eyes hard enough here) gave me my 4 remaining sick days to recover, and I worked from home the following week because my voice had still barely recovered and my incision line was periodically sore. I even managed to get to the Ottawa Comic Con a week after my surgery so that I could visit Mike and our friends who were exhibiting. After my stitches were removed (which was the creepiest physical sensation I've ever experienced) I spent a few days recovering at my family home. All of this time felt like such a gift. 

My return to work was tough. My voice was weak and would give out mid-sentence, which was weirdly exhausting, and my energy levels were a little all over the place because my body was still getting used to the new Synthroid thyroid medication that I was now on for life. I felt overall that I was doing pretty well, but work quickly reminded me they thought otherwise. The prevailing attitude was "wow, your illness was such an inconvenience" or "actually, we got along just fine without you."  I had started a job search during the dark days of deep winter, but after my diagnosis I just let it drop. I started to reconsider. But I I felt like I had really survived something, so the trials and dramas of work should've seemed like nothing in comparison, right? As spring continued, the job environment worsened. The brokerage manager (henceforth to be referred to as Terrible Manager/Person, as she really was both a terrible manager and a terrible person) continued to throw me under the bus, cc-ing emails where she blasted me for non-issues to the entire national management team, wasting everyone's time. I went far and beyond my job description on a few special projects, but my efforts weren't even recognized with a simple thanks. The few actual design-oriented projects that came across my desk were promptly taken away from me and weakly completed by the Toronto office, which was frustrating because my position had been advertised as a graphic designer position but had flattened into a straight coordinator position, leaving me increasingly upset with my decision to leave my former job (which hadn't been the best, but at least they had respected my skills and input.)  The professional criticism was unending, and totally unnerving - was I going crazy? Was I actually terrible at this job? You know, the same kind of job I'd been doing for 10+ years, with glowing reviews from former employers? I felt completely lost...however, when the criticism started to involve how I looked and what I wore ("hey, did you know you can lose 10 lbs just by cutting out bread for a week?" "Wow I like your blouse, oh wait, you got it at WalMart? And you wear it here!?" "I heard of a medical trial on the radio for people with skin issues and I thought of you immediately..." THOSE WERE ALL SAID TO ME WITHIN A WEEK'S TIME), I realized there was no fixing this shit show, no matter how long I stayed or how hard I tried. (Honestly, apart from a shitheaded misogynist manager once telling me "you know, you'd be a lot prettier if you smiled more!", I have never, ever been subjected to as much criticism regarding how I looked as I was at Sotheby's. I was always dressed office appropriate with professional hair and makeup and boring shoes, but nary a week went past without someone making some kind of comment about my skin, my weight, my illness, my clothes, the frequency with which I wore some things, or my boring shoes. And it's worth mentioning that it was almost always women making these statements...

We went to HeroesCon in Charlotte in mid June and had the best time (as usual) and I came back to work high on art and our amazing friends, only to be deflated and sluggish 2 days later, looking forward to the next long weekend, con or event. Something at work had changed too, I could feel it. I was left out of or uninvited to trainings and dealings with the rest of the national marketing team. My long-promised raise that had been due in November (per my contract, but withheld by Terrible Manager/Person who never felt inclined to complete my 6 month review) suddenly arrived unceremoniously by email. I was told that a new agent was taking my office and I would need to move the contents of my office to a barren corner of an unused board room where a new office was going to be built for me by mid-July. That plan got fast-tracked, suddenly I was given 2 day's notice that my office space was moving, and it was literally taken down around me as I tried to finish up work before I was due to leave for a long weekend in Montreal at the end of the first week of July. My long-developed filing system was destroyed, my organization systems were hastily thrown into boxes, all of it was moved to the empty board/storage room. I was incredulous as I left work for my long weekend - what a mess that was going to be to come back to.

While I was away, there was the usual monthly general office meeting for all the Oakville and Niagara on the Lake agents, Terrible Manager/Person and office staff. Terrible Manager/Person and 2 agents (who I had rarely worked with but who had always been terrible to me when I had to work with them) spent considerable time during the meeting slandering me to the rest of the group (which I heard about the day I was laid off.) One agent who had exhibited an absolute hate-on for me from day one (and who was tight friends with Terrible Manager/Person) apparently stood up and declared "why should my business suffer because someone is sick!?" It's worth noting she had only come to me twice in the space of 6 months for actual help, and I kept her advertising initiatives on track when she had dropped the ball...anyway... The day I returned back to work from our Montreal weekend, I was knee-deep in sorting out an issue between an agent who was away in Eastern Europe on vacation, the agent who was looking after her affairs in the meantime, and the printer who had dropped the ball on their job. I had it sorted out, and had emailed both the agent and my manager that everything was copacetic, but because of a 6+ hour time difference between here and Croatia, and the fact that Terrible Manager/Person was rarely timely in checking her emails or reading email threads, she bitched me out to the national team once again. That was is, I lost it. That afternoon, I confronted her about it, explaining that every time she cc'd the team about some issue she had with me or my work instead of speaking directly with me, she cost everyone time, especially me, and seeing as how I was constantly over-my-head busy, I was done with that kind of unprofessional bullshit. Her face went blank, and she said ok, and walked out of my office. 

I was laid off the next morning. They called it corporate restructuring, as they always do, and told me that the Toronto team was taking over the Oakville and NOTL office marketing needs. They reposted my exact job description (the same one that I had applied to the year before) the next morning - there it was sitting in my inbox at 7 am. I still find it utterly hilarious that they didn't think I'd see that...but considering the very first thing that Terrible Manager/Person asked me to do when I came on board was "to change everyone's emails so that they could somehow look like they were written in cursive handwriting font on a parchment paper background, because it's just so much nicer and elegant", I'm not fucking surprised...(for real, that was the first request that I received as a Graphic Designer/Marketing Coordinator for Sotheby's International Realty Canada. Elegant indeed. I should've run right then and there...)

So, five months later! Where's my head at? I'M SO HAPPY I DON'T WORK FOR THE RICH AND ENTITLED ANYMORE! SO HAPPY I DON'T WORK FOR A TERRIBLE MANAGER/PERSON ANYMORE! SO ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT I AM DONE WITH CORPORATE CULTURE FOR MAYBE EVERRRRRR... All caps screaming aside, I'm at a bit of a loss to describe how life changing last year was. I feel like the creative girl that I was when I was in college, full of ideas, making art on the daily and feeling happy, hopefully and resourceful. The messy breakup feels that the lay-off brought are dissolving - I can't help but note that I don't really have any lingering friendships from that job; I've had them from every job I ever had, but this one was different. I am really aware that people were only friends with me when they needed something. Human nature I guess...or real estate agent nature. Who knows(/cares)? I don't know what the next year is going to look like, but right now it looks like planning, making, organizing, selling and promoting. I may have to take a part time job eventually, I may not, I may find lots more freelance (was doing ok with it in the remainder of 2016), I may not. I truly have no idea. But considering that everything that I held as concrete and permanent this time last year has completely changed and I'm thriving in spite or because of, I'm feeling pretty ok about it all. I wish you a very happy new year. I am very happy to be here to do so.

(If you're working a job that involves you feeling terrible about yourself and your abilities on a daily/weekly basis, if you have to deal with a Terrible Manager/Coworker/Person with no one to back you up, if your job was promised as one thing but has backslid into something undesired, or worse, health-threatening, please make every effort to free yourself. I know how it feels to be locked in, desperate, scared and seemingly without options. You can at least talk to someone, be heard, and vent your frustrations, and through that you can find a path and resources to find something better. I am happy to lend an ear and/or shoulder to anyone who needs to decompress from their workplace tension, and more importantly, brainstorm ways to get out of an abusive job. It is absolutely not worth your health or peace of mind - it is time spent that none of us will ever get back.)