#in which: lani gets high enough to talk to a tree and gets very close to quoting twilight

[greatshell-rider]

34. a deer darting away under the trees (sensory prompts)

Lani sat cross-legged in the gnarled roots of an ancient saphion tree. Spears of sunlight lanced through the tree’s branches, moving gently over her body as soft spots of warmth as the wind rustled through. The sharp taste of the saphion leaf sat on the tip of her tongue, slowly permeating her saliva with a brackish bitterness. It cleared her head, though, allowing her to focus on one thing and one thing alone—a rare occurrence, for her.

She focused on the roots. Those thick knotted limbs that cropped up from the leaf-littered forest floor to curl around Lani like a bird’s nest around its clutch of eggs. Though the bark on the trunk of the saphion tree was thick and rough, the roots whereupon Lani sat were rubbed smooth from the press of thousands of fingertips over the course of centuries. A light scent rose from the roots, barely discernible in the warm summer breeze, and despite the familiarity, despite her focus, despite the drug, despite all that she tried, Lani couldn’t name it. All she knew is that she knew it, but whether from long ago or just yesterday . . . well. Perhaps the tree would know.

So Lani shifted her focus. No longer directed merely at the exterior of the tree, She tipped her senses down. Down, down, down, spiraling into a free fall, until she was well within the mindscape of the ancient being and began to slow. Her body remained in the roots’ embrace, but her mind stood at the doorpost of the tree’s mind, and politely, she knocked.

The figurative bark of the figurative doorpost molded into a figurative eye, which stared at Lani in whorls of brown and red. She smiled—figuratively—at it. “Hello.”

“You again?” the tree sighed.

“You should know I’ve almost earned my license,” Lani told it. “Only just barely failed the final exam.”

���By what, half the questions?” the tree grumbled, but figuratively swung its mind’s door open to admit her. “Come inside, you miserable scrap of mineral.”

“I do think I’m getting close,” Lani said as she strolled inside. She threw herself down onto her favorite leafbag—like an Earth beanbag, but crunchier—and sighed dramatically. “It’s just that darn-ed professor! They and their silly written exam! They want me to fail, you know.”

“I can’t imagine why,” the tree said. “Milk, yes or no?”

“Do I look like a heathen?”

“Your choice,” the tree shrugged, and passed her a cup of steaming yellow-tinged tea. It was the same stuff as the leaf on Lani’s physical tongue, but, you know. Figurative. Didn’t make it taste any better. Lani took a sip anyway. She liked these visits with the tree—and not just because the tree tutored her in soothing—and if the tree insisted she drink the weird juice, well, she would drink the weird juice.

The tree poured itself a cup and folded itself down into a leafbag opposite of Lani. “So. Why grace my mind with yours today, dear pupil?”

Lani startled, nearly dropping her tea as she pulled and tugged at the skin around her—figurative—eye, trying to see how the pupil had changed. “When did the transformation begin!” she cried out in horror. “Help, Teacher! I-I think I can feel antlers growing!” She grabbed at her hair and pulled at it in agonized panic—then glanced up to see if the tree was smiling.

It wasn’t, but Lani laughed anyway, rewarding her funny little prank with another sip of tea. She shrugged. “Yeah, no, just wanted to pop in. Say hi. Say no to your milk. Make knee-slapping jokes.”

“The usual, I see,” the tree said. “And here I thought you’d heard the news . . .”

Lani perked up, setting her cup aside to lean forward with elbows on her knees. “Trees’re talkin’ again, huh?”

“Clean up that accent,” the tree scolded. “No one wants to hear it in these parts, least of all me.”

Lani nodded eagerly. “Right. And the hot goss?”

The tree sighed. “It’s steaming,” it admitted. “Tunes from the mountains is that the Tarnished Giants are on the move.” It took a long sip of tea, eyeing Lani for her reaction.

Lani sat back. “Oh, is that all?” She yawned. “Cool.”

The tree pursed its lips. “It is not ‘all’ and it is not ‘cool’. Surely you know from your lessons what the Tarnished Giants are capable of.”

Lani flapped her hand dismissively. “Oh sure, sure. It’s just that that’s old goss. Cold, sticky, scraped-off-the-bottom-of-the-pot goss. I heard all about the rust rocks or whatever from the birds yesterday morning.”

The tree stared at her a long moment before remembering its tea and drinking again. “I simply cannot believe a soother of your capabilities has not yet earned her license,” it murmured, shaking its head. “Trees and birds and stone? You may have a point about Rupfford’s exam.”

“Right? I’ve told everyone how lame it is, but you’re the only one so far who’s listened.” She tsk-ed. “I guess it just goes to show how—”

“So what did the birds tell you?” the tree interrupted. It rotated its empty cup around and around in its hands. “Anything more on the Tarnished?”

“Nah, they weren’t too keen on talking too much about them. However . . . there was something else . . .” Lani looked slyly up at the tree, scratching idly at her scalp in a non-idle way.

The tree nodded immediately. “You’ll get your regular payment. Next fortnight?”

“I might need it a little sooner . . .”

The tree considered a moment this time. “Night after the full moon. That’s the soonest I can have it.”

“Deal! So. Here’s the real hot goss . . .” Lani leaned in and the tree did the same, their minds blurring and blending together to allow the secret and untraceable transfer of sooth. Sheer knowledge. Utter truth. That which is known and that which is, is. That which could not be denied. That which was, and is, and would be. A single thread of the universe, loosened from its tapestry for just the barest of moments to be passed between fingertips.

Finally Lani withdrew, collapsing back onto her leafbag, figuratively beaded with sweat and literally exhausted. The tree slid out much more gracefully, only taking a moment to steady itself before clearing its throat and saying, “Well. That is certainly . . .”

“Hot goss,” Lani breathed, sinking a mile deep into the leafbag.

“It is certainly something,” the tree agreed. It turned its cup around a little quicker. “But, Lani, are you sure. I know you trust Red Breast’s song, but if this rumor proves to be true . . .”

Lani snorted. “I did not mingle my mind with yours just for you to doubt the sooth’s validity.”

The tree frowned. “I suppose. Well. This is, at the very least, deeply—”

There was a rustling sound louder than the rest in the physical world, and Lani lost her concentration. Immediately she snapped back into her body, and had barely a moment to register a young stag fleeing into the brush with his purple-fluff tail flared high before the pain hit her skull like the blacksmith’s hammer to their anvil.

“Owwww,” she groaned, doubling over and grabbing her head. “Ugh. Stupid deer.” At least it was night now, the bright sunshine replaced with the softer glow of distant stars.

“That is what you get for imperfectly disconnecting minds with the saphion,” a haughty voice said. “Question number thirty-eight, isn’t it, on my exam.”

Lani groaned louder as a figure stepped out of the shadows of a nearby tree. “Professor Rupfford,” she said, miserably watching them approach. “How ever did you find me.”

“The Board has been aware of your . . . additional tutoring for a while now.” The professor loomed over her, arms folded inside the long sleeves of their honey-gold robe. “It took very little effort to narrow down the options of who could handle your temperament from there.”

Lani merely grunted, too preoccupied with handling her head’s temperament to come up with something clever, or even snarky.

“Come on,” they said, taking Lani by the upper arm and dragging her to her feet. “We would have words with you.”

They marched through the trees, Lani stumbling after them. “We?” she mumbled. “Who—the Board?”

Rupfford’s grip on her arm tightened, and Lani glanced at them, noticing how deep the lines of their face went, how their mouth was drawn into a line tauter than usual, how the look in their brown eyes was strained. How it seemed, to her at least, that the professor wasn’t angry. Or even just deeply upset at the poor conduct of one of their students. No . . . they were afraid.

A slow grin crawled up Lani’s face. “Hmm,” she mused, absently dismissing the headache. The last of the saphion leaf’s effects wore off, and all the different little thoughts and plots and puzzles and games and treats began to creak and turn, like all the little well-oiled gears of an old-fashioned clock. “You’ve figured it out, haven’t you?”

The professor didn’t respond, nothing changing in their face or posture, but walked faster, forcing Lani to jog to keep up.

Well, that wouldn’t do. Lani dug in her heels and dragged the two of them to a halt. Rupfford swung around to face her and Lani stood up on tip-toe to whisper in their ear, “You know who I am. You figured. It. Out. Haven’t you?”

They drew back as if she were a venomous snake. “Come quietly,” they hissed, spit speckling Lani’s face. “Do not make me use force.”

“Just say it,” Lani told them, smirking now. “Go on, don’t be afraid. I dare you. What’s my name?”

Their upper lip curled, revealing teeth stained purple. “Starweaver.” They said it like a curse. “Yes, I know who you are. I know what you’ve done, moving across the universe and all its many ’scapes. I know what you plan to do here, as well.”

Lani laughed at that. “Let’s say, for the fun of it,” she said, wiping away a tear, “that you do. The question then, is what are you planning to do in response?” She smirked. “What will the Chipped Diamond do to stop me?”

Rupfford’s eyes widened. “I—I don’t—” they began to stammer.

“Don’t hurt yourself trying to say a lie,” Lani said, disgusted. “I mean, you’ll hurt me as well. That’s painful to watch.”

They opened and closed their mouth a few times more. Then, finally, managed to get out, “You are coming with me, Starweaver.”

“Sure.”

“Try as you may to resist, but I have full authorization to—What? What did you say?”

Lani stuck her hands in her pockets, bored. “Sure. I’ll come with.”

They stared at her.

“I’ll take a pass on the burlap sack or whatever blindfold-thingy you’ve got,” she added. “Been there, done that, not a great time, so—”

“To be clear,” the professor cut in. “You are. Coming. Willingly.”

Lani shrugged. “I mean, I already have a headache, so it’s not like I want to get knocked out and undergo more head trauma . . .”

They narrowed their eyes. “This is some sort of trick, isn’t it,” they said, words quick and clipped. “You’re trained as a soother, so you shouldn’t be able to, but you can lie, can’t you, which means this, and everything you’ve said, cannot be trusted, and—”

“Dude,” Lani said, “this is a limited time offer only. Either lead the way, or get out of my way, because one way or another I will be speaking to the Chipped Diamond tonight. This ’scape was getting boring anyway, so chop chop.” She clapped her hands. “Let’s get this thing moving. To the climax already!”

They just continued to stare, so Lani shooed her hands at them. “Move!”

And they did, stumbling a little uncertainly back onto the narrow deer trail they’d been pulling her down. But she followed after, strolling along as patiently as she could, and slowly Rupfford regained some of their composure, smoothing down their robes and quickening their stride to an urgent march. Impressive, for a pair of knees so old and knobbly. They even dared turn their back to Lani, no longer checking to see if she was still following, and didn’t bother with any more words or questions. Which Lani appreciated, and she kept quiet too. She couldn’t talk to any birds or trees along the way, not with Rupfford so attuned a soother, but if they passed a large enough boulder . . . Well, a finger’s brush wasn’t much, but it was possible she could meld with its mind enough to ask it to send a message to Jerry and warn him of the timetable’s adjustment. Her brother wouldn’t be pleased, but when was he? And it was true, Lani supposed, that forcing them to act without their strike force fully prepared increased the possibility of this whole scheme falling apart quicker than paper mâché in rain to quite a high percentage. Such as it was. Lani had chosen this plan mostly just to try it out, anyway. She’d never been confident about it. It rarely served well to be certain of anything. Just determined.

So Lani lowered her head, eyes trained on the back of her professor’s robes, and stalked through the trees behind them. Maybe if she had time, maybe once this was all done, she would pop in on her saphion teacher again and tell it of this hot, hot goss. She wouldn’t drink the leaf juice this time, however. She was sick of tea.

[peachesandsodas]

• 𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚛𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚜, 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞 •

• 𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚛𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚜, 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞 • 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚠𝚗𝚞 

word count : 2,301 | main song : click here

“Sweetheart?”

I startled on my seat as that deep voice called me back to earth, seems like I went to deep in my thoughts. I straightened on my seat, before facing the man right next to me, his left hand on the steering wheel as the other reaching for mine to hold. 

“Sorry, was I out for long?” I chuckled softly, letting his long fingers intertwined to mine, fitting like a puzzle piece as it warmed my skin instantly, despite the water droplets painting our car windows, making blurry colourful hues, traffic lights blending together with street signages. He squeezed my hand gently, shaking his head, “No, not really, but I think you missed out the part on us, deciding where to eat.” He glanced at me, lips tugged into a small smile yet it could lit the whole town in full brightness. 

Ah, this gentleman, Son Hyunwoo.

“Umm—“ I inhaled deeply before letting it out into a long sigh, it’s hard to choose what to eat at this moment, because all I could think is how blessed I am to have him as my partner— but there’s this lump of thought that I couldn’t get a grasp on— oh, wait, food. Food first.

“There’s this steak restaurant that I’m quite curious about..” With my free hand, I grabbed and opened my clutch, searching for my phone to show Hyunwoo the place that I thought about. “And I think you’re going to like it.” I smiled before letting the brightness of my phone screen glows in front of me, as my fingers searching for the address of the mentioned restaurant. 

“You know, I ate almost everything. I hope we don’t break our credit card limit for this one,” Hyunwoo chuckled and that joke actually made me laugh whole-heartedly. Didn’t realise that this kind of small moments tickles and tugged my heart-string. “We won’t, I promise you, it will not be like that Japanese Izakaya we went to. That was over-rated and over-priced.” I said, in between my laughs that slowly dies down into another silent ride. I kept thinking, we’ve been together for years, down the road, things were not easy for both of us. Him, being an active artist and me, merely a business-woman who apparently goes abroad occasionally. It didn’t occur to me, meeting someone like Hyunwoo in my life, clicked immediately with how he understands the side of my work and so does myself. But it was hard. 

And my thoughts wander again.

Even though my mind wasn’t there, but I could feel how Hyunwoo’s hand didn’t let go of mine, his thumb softly caressing the back of my hand as he drives through downtown, passing through evening traffic that filled with people having their way back home or somewhere else— none of our businesses, anyway.

I sank way too deep in my thoughts, not realising that we’ve arrived in the restaurant I mentioned to him. “We’re here.” Hyunwoo sighed, unfastening his seatbelt and I did mine. Before I could even opened the car door, Hyunwoo was fast enough to opened it for me. There goes a skip in my heart beat, thanks to you, Son Hyunwoo. “M’lady.” He called, giving me a playful wink. “Stop it.” I laughed it off yet took his hand, getting out from the car. He hold my hand as he lead the way to the restaurant— oh my gosh, if I could slap his arm, I would, because I could feel the heat and red flushes on my cheeks right this moment. “No clapback moments, m’lady?” Hyunwoo teased me more, pushing my buttons at the right places. “Son Hyunwoo!” I smacked his arm with my clutch softly, before letting out a shy chuckle from my lips. “You better stop now or I’m gonna steal a half of your portion.” I jokingly exclaimed, walking a little bit fast, enough to face him as I walk backwards slowly. “Is it even possible for you to finish half of my portion?” Hyunwoo raised his eyebrow, “Maybe— Maybe a quarter?” I smiled apologetically before turning around to open the door, embellished with intricate ornaments and golden accents with cedar wood as it main point. The butler inside helped, smiling courtly before asking for how many people we need.

Thank goodness we decide to go for weekday night, there’s not much people inside the restaurant anyway.

As the butler lead us to our table, Hyunwoo kept his pace behind me and I could feel a slight tug from him which made me turn around. I raised my eyebrow in curious, waiting for his words. “You look amazingly ethereal in that dress.” He smiled softly, mentioning about the black silk maxi dress that I chose for tonight’s dinner date. It hugged my figure perfectly, and it seems like this man, is loving what he sees. Bingo. He snaked his hand to my arm, feeling the softness of the bare skin before placing a quick kiss on my temple. 

We are seated a little bit far back, with curved high sofa cladded with a dark brown leather and a rounded marble table for us. Hyunwoo let me take the seat first before he scooted closer next to me. The butler placed two menu books for both of us to scan through, and I could tell Hyunwoo already made his choice the second he opened the menu. “I’m getting the steak.” He said softly, eyes carefully reading through every words on the menu book, and I found it such an endearing sight with his brows furrowed in focus, slight pouted lips and his hand occasionally brushes his chin, a habit of his. 

I love him. So much.

I unconsciously smiled watching his antics, before decided on what food is perfect to fill this empty, grumbling stomach. The butler took quick notes on our orders before taking the menus, leaving us in private after filled our glass with water to start off. “I ordered us red wine, it’s perfect for the occasion, and finally—” He said, before taking a sip of his water. “Finally, a time for us to have a very, extremely, private dinner date.” I continued his sentence earning a hearty chuckle from Hyunwoo. “Seriously, it’s either your manager would call in the middle of us eating, or Jooheon asking for a FaceTime,” I laughed with him, wrapping my arm onto his. The perks of having a sofa seated table. “Do not fret, my love,” Hyunwoo grabbed his phone from his pocket, showing the black screen to me. “I turned off my phone so they won’t have the chance to bug us.” He said, slipping his phone back to where it belongs. I gave him a high five before sighing in content. How long has it been, having this intimate moment with only him alone? 

The dinner went smoothly, as we both expected; phones off, no distractions, amazing food we must say, great ambience, oh did I mention how many times Hyunwoo complimented the leather seat? Seems like someone might want to get one for himself. We chatted, catching up with both of our lives, laughed our hearts out, fingers intertwined with red wine stained both of our lips. 

This night, we let our heartstrings tugged, pulling into each other closer, and closer. All the small moments, etched deep into our souls. And this is when that passing thought came back to my mind.

What does the future brings for us?

It seems like Hyunwoo could read my thoughts, his eyes glued to mine, knocking on the windows of my soul and I let him in. He softly took my hand to his lips, placing a warm kiss on the back of my hand before we decide to go back to our ride.

The ride is silent, as the night grows colder and darkness engulfs the skies with stars blinking brightly, shining through dreams that are now caught by the emptiness of the air. I have to say, I’m starting to feel the tension between us thickens. It felt uncomfortable, but I can’t just blurt it out to him— not really a proper timing to speak anything out, I must say.

The road we’re taking, it seems unfamiliar for me, but looking at how Hyunwoo is still calm and collected, I let things slide as we went to the highway, far from our shared apartment and that’s when my thoughts are broken. I looked at Hyunwoo, questioning him on where we’re going next only to be replied with a small smile and him reaching for my hand, placing a quick kiss again on the back of my hand; you really know how to melt my heart instantly, don’t you. “You’ll know. Just wait a little bit more okay.” He calmly replied.

Now I can see the highway leads to a road with a visible skyline of the city, large trees filled the side of the road with steep cliff on the other. The glimmering view caught my attention, and I stare in awe, never thought the bustling city would look this beautiful at this time. Hyunwoo drives through the night road, still holding my hand and the sweet tune of LANY’s ILYSB buzz through the radio. Now I realise where he’s taking me to.

To the place we spent most late-nights talking our hearts out without anyone around,

To the place we spent ungodly hours waiting for that golden-purple hues rising up in the horizon,

To the place where our laughters echoed through the dark skies,

To the place I broke down in heaved breathing, with Hyunwoo holding me close, mending the broken pieces with his own hands,

To the place he laid out his raw, bare feelings to me.

To the place with our most fondest memories of each other.

He pulled over the side, right on the empty soil that views the very best of the city-skyline, lights glittering, showcasing how beautiful the night is. As both of us got out from the car, the night breeze brushes my bare skin, giving a little shiver as coldness strikes. Hyunwoo quickly draped his blazer jacket onto my shoulders, making sure I’m warm enough at this hour. The silence in the air made the sound of our heartbeat audible as I watch Hyunwoo walk towards the road fence—

“Hyunwoo.” I called, approaching him slowly.

He only hummed in response, turning around to face me as he opened his arms, letting myself moulded into his figure, basking in his warmth and inhaled his white musk and bergamot mix perfume. “I know what you’ve been thinking, sweetheart.” He said softly, brushing a strand of hair to the back, to see my face clearer as he cupped my cheek. “Your mind is elsewhere, I know that.” He placed a soft, lingering kiss on my crown. I sighed deeply, nuzzled into his built. Gosh, I could melt into a puddle if he didn’t hold me like this. 

“I’m sorry—“

“You don’t have to be sorry, sweetheart.” Hyunwoo pulled back a little, taking a good look on my face before smiling warmly.

“I’m just, I’ve been thinking, Hyunwoo. It’s been a long time since we’re together in this journey, and, I’m just—“ I inhaled a deep breath before continuing my sentence, my heart thrums crazily inside,

“Thinking about the future? I told you, sweetheart. I know.” Hyunwoo, the most calm man he is, I have no idea who could he stay composed with this kind of topic, a serious topic that might lead us to something more. “I’ve been thinking the same too. And I’m pretty sure, we have the same thought.” Hyunwoo chuckled, letting his grip on my figure off as he stepped back.

Years have passed and do you know how much I’m blessed to have you, my love?

We met in such surprising timing, we never thought this would happen in the first place but look how fate play around with us, it seems like even the heavens are in our favour.

Even though is was hard, or maybe, still tough being in a relationship like this, but if I died and live another life, 

I would go and find you earlier than before, and do this all over again with you.

I know it wasn’t easy for both of us in the beginning, but look how far we’ve grown together, my love.

And I’d go through heaven and hell with you. For thousand times, and more.

Every day, I wished I’ve met you sooner, so I could love you longer, and much much more.

And now, all I can give to you is forever.

I clutched tightly onto Hyunwoo’s blazer that draped perfectly on my figure, tears already pooling on my eyes as my brain tried to process all the words coming out from Hyunwoo. 

My love, my sweetheart, my food fighter, and the most-sometimes nags a lot-partner in crime,

“Will you be my forever, will you marry me?”

Hyunwoo already on his knee, with a diamond ring on his hands secured perfectly on a black velvet box.

“Yes. And, Hyunwoo, please be my forever too.” Tears of happiness rolled down onto my cheeks, a soft chuckle escaped from my lips and I squealed when Hyunwoo crashed me into a tight hug. Hyunwoo slipped the finger onto my ring finger, and I saw his teary eyes, “You have no idea how long I’ve been preparing for this moment.” He chuckled in relief, sighing contently before pressing his lips onto mine. I want the time to be stopped at this moment, I just want to sink everything in— 

“I can imagine you repeating those sentence all night, and Kihyun probably smack you really hard so you can sleep.”

“That actually happened.”

And that’s, when our night ride continues its own story.

𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚎?

𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛 :

𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚠𝚗𝚞  |  𝚠𝚘𝚗𝚑𝚘  |  𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚑𝚢𝚞𝚔  |  𝚔𝚒𝚑𝚢𝚞𝚗  |  𝚑𝚢𝚞𝚗𝚐𝚠𝚘𝚗  |  𝚓𝚘𝚘𝚑𝚎𝚘𝚗  |  𝚒.𝚖

[wonderofwander-blog]

My Paradise

I told myself a long time ago that I would never have another best friend again. There’s to much to lose and nothing to gain. When I heard the word best friend, I thought rotten things. It was not an appealing title to hand out. 

I used to work for 4Rivers. I worked there just shy of six years. It was my first long term job and I learned a lot there. I met friends. Some really cool friends. We were always together. We would do just about anything and everything together. In my time working for this company, I was able to work almost every position. I began working in the kitchen. Some time after that this weird looking guy started working in the dish pit. His name was Jessie and his hair was slicked back really smooth and shaved on the sides, he had on big bulky glasses (the hip kind) and he was really tall and big. He kinda looked like he could play football only you could tell he was kind and soft at the same time. He was shy. Never talked. I was curious....... so I did what I always do... I began to make more trips to dish just to get a word out of him. He would answer short and awkwardly. He made it obvious he thought I was a weirdo. I was, but like I said, I was curious.

He started talking a little more and I finally went over to the dish pit and invited him to a company picnic we were having. He said he didn’t have a car and I offered him a ride in mine. He accepted. I looked at him and I said “I like you.... we’re going to be great friends.” his response..... “oooooooooookay????” Then I walked away. I immediately went over to Travis(das bae), who also worked with us and told him what just happened. He laughed and said “Cool, I’m down”  

We had a great time. We learned a lot about each other and we may or may not have got in trouble for starting a pre term water balloon fight between about 6 of us. Is was awesome. We learned a lot about each other. We introduced him to our group of friends and we all really hit it off. 

We began to learn things about each other we never really knew. We’re all college aged, right. So we would talk over beer and video games. Jessie was really into board games so he would teach us how to play all these amazing games that made no sense but made perfect sense at the same time. Once we all got the hang of it, we would gang up on Jessie until he lost because he SWORE he was some kind of board game God. He would get so pissed off he would threaten to go home and not come back. We laughed until we cried over those games and how competitive we would be come over wizards and spells. Oh! He had this game that was only dice. I could never win..... he ALWAYS won. I would threaten to kick him out of my house over it. It was serious business. 

Jessie loved art, and he loved black and skulls. He had many knick nacks and collectibles. He was OBSESSED with his E-Cigs. Oh, God was he obsessed. He would make me sit in a car that was so fogged up with smoke I could barely see. He was on only child. He didn’t have a lot of family. He loved his Mom. She was his world and his rock. I admired that the most. He liked animals. I don’t know if he had any before he met us, but he somehow ended up with a scorpion and a fish tank, no fault of mine :) He liked music of all kinds but we listened to a lot of gangster rap. Jessie loved strawberry milk. He drank it damn near every day. He liked the beach and the springs. We did that a lot. We shared many great times. We shared beers and the occasional bong rip. Okay, maybe more than occasional. We watched Rick and Morty and ate WaWa subs with Voodoo chips. If you have ever seen Half Baked, that’s pretty much what we would do. Jessie seemed to be an overall happy person. 

The longer we knew him, we came to learn his story. He had troubles in the past, but he pushed through. Jessie had this longing to have something. I can’t figure out what it was because he was so loved and so appreciated from every angle, but I think he wanted something deeper. He wanted his happy ending and he wanted it now. He started to change a little bit. Not alarmingly so, just enough to question. He always swore he was fine so I shrugged it off. I got pregnant. Yipee!! I was only 22 and I was kind of scared. Not expecting that and particularly excited to be in this stage at my age. But hey, I had a great support system and I learned that it wasn’t so bad. Jessie was with Trav and I through everything. He never missed a  beat. He was the perfect friend. Jessie became someone I could consider my best friend. We did everything together. We were literally together every single day. Travis, too, of course. When I finally popped, Jessie wasn’t there. He was nervous. I anticipated him coming because I couldn’t wait to get a picture with Uncle Jessie. I was mostly excited to see him with his tail in between his legs. He finally came up when Rohan was 2 days old. He brought me flowers and didn’t want to touch the tiny human. I made him anyways. He probably held him for less than a minute and gave him back. He couldn’t handle it. I laughed. Anyways, he would come over and sit with me while I was out of work. If my baby made a noise he would huff and puff so loud and say “Mel, will you shut that thing up!!!?” and in the same breath he would talk to him and rock him in his bassinet. He loved the baby. I have this really sweet snap shot of Jessie feeding Rohan when he was just a week old. I will never forget that photo. Jessie would hold the blanket up for me while I tried to breast feed and it wasn’t even weird that’s how close we were. He was truly a brother. 

Jessie became withdrawn shortly after Rohan was born. He drank a lot. More than usual. Then he started meeting mutual friends of friends and he wasn’t around as often. He frequented.... but he was definitely meeting new people. He would binge and then come  back, put that on repeat. Finally I got tired of it. I loved this guy like a brother, I couldn’t watch him go down this war path. I told him if he couldn’t get it under control, I didn’t want to hang anymore. I didn’t want that around my baby, God forbid anything were to happen. So he pumped the brakes. He knew we were serious. He did well for a while. 

Then it got ugly.

He started using Heroine and Xanax. I noticed right away. He was changed. He was still the same old Jessie... he just got depressed. He would do the Heroine before he came over and then drink on top of it. I didn’t like that. He would say things like “I wish I had what you have” or “your so lucky to have your own place and family”. He would insinuate how he would never be able to afford these things on his own. So we dreamed about getting a nice big house with an extra room for Uncle Jessie. It was gonna be awesome. I would make him promise me he would quit the drugs and get better. It was never constant, he would just binge.... hard. Then cut it out for a while. Once he quit for a long streak. I was so proud of him. But when he came over he would have bruises on his face and skid marks on his face. Kinda like he face planted the ground or something. When I would ask about it, he would just say he didn’t want to talk about it. He confided in Trav once and told him he was punching himself or hitting himself with tree branches because he was so pissed off about his life. He was 20. He had plenty of time. He just didn’t see that.

I watched Jessie get his hopes up and have them slammed to the ground in an instant. I’ve seen him high and I have seen him low. We were there for each other. We all went out one night and texted Jessie to meet up with us. He said he was coming but never made it. He texted Trav at almost 2 in the morning saying he was on his way. He never showed. I didn’t think anything of it becasue we knew he was already drinking that night. Woke up Sunday and didn’t hear from Jessie. Pretty normal because he liked to sleep in. We just went on about our day. 

Monday I went to work, business as usual. My old friend Lanie texted me and said “Jessie died?????!!!!!” and I was like yeah a couple weeks ago... you didn’t hear? (a lady that worked for the company had a brother named Jessie we used to work with and he had just passed away) and she was like “No.... Jessie... your Jessie.” and I was like “NO, what the hell are you talking about???” She sent me a screen shot of a facebook post from Jessie’s mom saying he passed away very early Sunday morning. 

I died inside. My world stopped turning. I couldn’t even cry, I couldn’t function. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. All I could do is call my mom. She answered me which was God sent because she didn’t normally pick up at that time in the day since she was at work. She said “Hello”, I paused because I realized at that moment I was in the grass on my hands and knees behind my job sobbing. I said “MOM” she sank, you could hear it in her voice. She said “Mel, what’s the matter???” I said “Jessie died, Mom, he’s dead��. In a panic she asked me where I was and told me not to leave. She asked me how I knew and how I found out. Of course she went online to confirm. She stayed on the phone with me until I could get it together enough to process. She sent my brother to get me in 5′o clock traffic about 40 minutes out of his way. I didn’t even know what to. I called Travis and told him. He had no response. He told me he would call me back because he needed to process. He wound up leaving work and coming home. My friends gathered around me. I had many people texting me and calling me because they knew how close Jessie and I were. They were just concerned of my well being. I was confused and I didn’t know how to process what I was learning. 

There were news reports, there were stories, there were posts about suicide and depression but I couldn’t accept that. Jessie was a lot of things, but he wanted to live. He loved life, he was just having a rough moment. I learned on the news that Jessie pulled into a WaWa and fell asleep in his car where he died. There was a passenger in the car who was very much alive but was sleeping as well. I knew the passenger. I hated the passenger. Jessie would go to this person when he wanted to get into things because he knew this person would let him. This person wouldn’t judge him. This person admitted to giving Jessie something called Methadone, which he has never taken before. Methadone is very dangerous and combined with other drugs or alcohol is VERY dangerous. This person agreed to be at fault and said Jessie wanted Heroine but he offered him something to get him something off the H.... methadone. I believe that Jessie was unaware of the effects Methadone has on the body and was already slightly intoxicated. After the Methadone kicked in, I think he pulled over, unable to drive and died in his sleep. I do not think Jessie wanted to die. He probably didn’t even know he was dying. 

Again, I lost my best friend. Only this time, Jessie taught me every single thing I would want and need in a friend and that can never be replaced. There is not a person in the would that will ever be Jessie to me. It has been a little more than a year since Jessie left us and I’m still not okay with it. I struggle everyday. I feel guilt when I have fun or laugh or do anything excited because I want him to be here with us. I cried every single day for the first 6 months after his passing. Not a few glistening tears on my cheeks, more like the ugly cry. I cried at work, I cried at home, and I cried in my car EVERY SINGLE TIME I drove somewhere. Especially to work. Jessie and I spent a lot of time in the car... and at work. 

This post means absolutely nothing. Jessie is just weighing heavy on my heart tonight and I wish that he was here. I just needed an outlet. I thought this post might turn into a suicide awareness or overdose awareness post, but it’s not. I just want every person to know Jessie and to have felt his warmth and love. I wish everyday it could have been someone else, but then again, I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone in the world. 

If you made it through this post, I hope your ever so slight insight of my best friend Jessie was a great one. I hope you find your Jessie. And more importantly, I hope you can become someone’s Jessie.