#in which the poets band their forces to drive cameron mad

[sizzy-ling]

It's here!! The much awaited 3rd chapter is ready for you to read! Let me know your thoughts and feelings with a review!!

[cameron-malkin]

but always keep ‘em on a leash || Cameron selfpara || 6.14.20

  As the couple approached the house at the end of a cobblestone street, crystalline hues met with the oddly familiar bright red door. Vaguely, Cameron could recall the layout of the million-dollar home that awaited them. Small, but cold in its pristine quality, each item was placed perfectly on a shelf, as if out of a magazine. In spite of its kitschy decorations, these additions only added to the already unsettling atmosphere. The Bostonian home was, in a word, unwelcoming. The unrelenting grip of his fiancée’s hand was an apt precursor to an unnerving adventure as Cameron felt a crushing wave of anxiety wash over him at the prospect of meeting his future in-laws. Running his free hand down the front of his best white shirt, he tugged at the hem of his well-worn and well-loved leather jacket. Frazzled for what felt like the first time in his life, the reassuring smile gracing his features looked out of place as they entered Lexus’ childhood home. The 28-year-old half expected the Hales to greet them at the door with smiles but was left dumbfounded by empty halls, combat boots trailing behind Lexus as she searched for her parents, eventually finding them on the patio.

Their dispassionate welcome left a foul taste in his mouth, vacant smiles and muttered greetings speaking volumes. Not only did it strike him odd that they refused to greet their only child, but Cameron knew immediately he was not accepted by her parents as the cold but familiar feeling of being unwanted set in. Leather jackets and tattoos made rich people nervous, which was perhaps the reason why he wore it so well, but an uncharacteristic sense of optimism clung to him. Maybe if I could just talk to them, he thought, I could change their minds. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, shoving them in and out of jean pockets as he desperately wished for a smoke, though part of him was worried he’d combust at the mere sight of his lighter, the sticky humidity of the East Coast coming to reclaim him with vengeance. Frazzled fingertips began to peel at the cardboard carton of smokes, hoping that would be enough for now, just knowing they were there. Judgemental stares and awkward exchanges cemented the fact that he was not what was expected — or maybe he was exactly what they had expected and that’s why he was such a disappointment — but he forced himself into a permanent gesture of nonchalance, back slumped as he draped himself in a chair beside Lexus.

“You have a really nice home,” He managed to cough out a compliment with an apprehensive smile drawn across full lips. Had it not been for the palpable tension in the air, the smile might have seemed genuine. Or maybe it was the way it was almost impossible for him to meet their stares, electric orbs focusing intently on the hanging light fixtures instead. Although his statement was true, he couldn’t stop listing the similarities between their home and the extravagant houses he’d plundered in the past. While it was one of the nicest homes he’d been invited into, fingers drumming soundlessly against his trusty Marlboros, he almost wished he was on the other side again. He occupied himself with musing about thwarting their security system.

Dinners were exhausting, the beast that lurked within all too aware of Lexus’ discomfort. It was obsessed with her, restless with her paranoia, her swirling feet driving it mad with each sign of her growing anxiety. Fleeting fingertips brushing against the bare skin of his wrist brought some comfort, made him feel a little bit more…Cameron. He was sure to take advantage of this fleeting solace and on more than one occasion (okay — twice, but he figured any further attempts would be far beyond the call of duty), offered topics of pointless conversation. Rich people like the weather, right? Wrong. He learned the hard way, as only Lexus responded.

Cameron’s favourite parts were the nights after dinner, finally alone as dusk fell over Boston’s city streets. Lexus showed him the secret places she’d hide as a teenager, his favourite of which being a particular blind spot on the roof. It was one of the only places he felt safely alone with her, the pink teddy bear in the corner of her room staring daggers at him all night long.

On their final evening, Cameron had finally broken the ice. Instead of talking about the weather, he studiously complimented Mr Hale’s collection of books in the living room. Better yet, it wasn’t far from the truth, the poet in him genuinely in awe of the pristine collections of classic poets’ works. Although the heavy focus on materialistic possessions irritated him, he was quite proud to have broken the everlasting silence. Even Mrs Hale was happy to join in, the few crystal glasses of expensive wine (the beast counted five, a number Cameron hastily downplayed) loosening her lips. The most vicious part of the evening was how carefully they observed Lexus, their target. Each of the vertebrae in Lexus’ spine went rigid, not unlike the beast lurking within Cameron’s chest, as she sat with extraordinary posture. Both watching, both waiting. Though her parents said little to her, its glowing azure eyes watched their reactions closely, the bronze hues of her mother cold and calculating. Noticing her daughter on edge, the bottle blond finally pounced, her brutal attack slurred from between faintly wrinkled lips.

“I see rehab is clearly working for you.”

A sharp intake of breath caused his lungs to cry out, the beast now a battering ram as it slammed against his chest. Cameron nearly spat out his drink. Rarely caught off guard, the 28-year-old’s gaze fell to the matriarch once more, promising the beast he’d misheard the slur. Yes, Lexus had been drinking but not that much and not nearly as much as her mother. Surely her mother wouldn’t criticize her, a woman so eager to prove her superior intelligence would understand the hypocrisy of such a statement. Better yet, knowing their daughter’s medical history and uphill battle with mental health, Cameron refused to believe they’d abuse her in such a way. Were they not the ones that sought help for her? Wait, he plead with the beast inside. He set his jaw, squeezing uncomfortably as he fought for dominance in a battle he’d yet to win.

“Well, mother,” Lexus sighed, a flicker of pain registering on her features before her expression grew uncharacteristically hard, “At least I tried.”

“Did you? Because you’ve been in a mental hospital for a simple drug problem for, what, a year now? Year and a half? And you’ve made no notable progress. Picked yourself up a hooligan in the process to feed your diluted dayd—”

Wolfish teeth tore at the cage of his skin as if it were tissue paper. In a flash, snarling lips parted with a roar of a warning, “Enough!” 48 hours’ worth of pent up fury released in one statement, he was numb to the fingertips that constricted his thigh in what was perhaps admonishment, perhaps fear, though both inconsequential in a sea of red hot rage. Her father leapt to his feet, the wolf happily rising to the challenge as Mr Hale’s booming voice ricocheted off the old walls.

“Oh, I’ll tell you what’s enough! You dare to raise your voice to my wife—” He threatened, fist slamming against the table as he leapt from his seat. The beast sneered a laugh, recognising the ineffective scare tactic from a previous argument with Lexus. So that’s where she got it from. The thought only angered him more, wondering how many times that fist had frightened her in the past. Mouth parted to continue his tirade; Cameron’s swift interjection cut him off.

“Oh,” His gravelly voice chuckled darkly, eyes magical and radiant with the promise of violence. “Please, go on.” The threat hung in the air, a purposeful look in Cameron’s eyes just daring her father to speak another word. Hesitating, his features paled upon abruptly confronting the danger he’d unknowingly encountered.

Cameron will never forget the quaking of her voice, rough with fear. Fleetingly, he wondered if she feared him — of what the feral beast would do — but there wasn’t enough time to lose himself in such introspection.

“What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?” Ears back, eyes glued to burning ember hues, both the beast and Cameron were lost. “Can’t you see he’s the only one that had any fucking hope here? You fucking monsters! Who does this? Who actually does this?”

Adrenaline coursed through his veins, his heart hammering between his ears amid being suddenly thrown into the height of a family fracturing. The beast took off, whimpering as it took cover from an unintelligible situation. Cameron struggled to process his thoughts, the hazy red glare of anger fading slightly as his eyes remained transfixed on the beauty of a breakdown. Seeing Lexus unravel somehow brought him back to a place of marginal restraint and, although it wasn’t as much as he would have liked, he was thankful for any improvement. Struggling to keep the tight grip around his self-control as the rope meant to leash a beast turned into a silky band of ribbon caught between clammy palms.

The dark flame of anger illuminated his pale features, a deep breath expanding his chest as he broadened his shoulders. Taking an intentional step towards the figurehead of the household, balled fists clenched at his sides.

“You might think you can do this to her because she’s your daughter, but when she’s my wife, think again,” He seethed, tightened jaw strangling his words. Years of torture suddenly made clear, both he and the whimpering beast prioritized their return to Lexus. Nerves turned his stomach, nauseous as he took the stairs two at a time.  

How long ago had she disappeared from the room? The image of her fury, from the shape of her grimacing mouth to the wild look in her eye, haunted Cameron. Would he greet a similar sight? It struck the fear of God into the non-believer, letting out an oath, “Fuckin’ hell.” Leather boots pounded across hardwood floors, following the cacophony of crashing and thudding up the staircase to the second floor. In passing, he noted with disgust that her parents remained seated at the dining table, motionless. “Lex!” Desperation clung to his tone as he called up the stairs, wasting no time invading the sacred privacy of her childhood bedroom.

Raven hair flew back at the sight of an open door, clearing the path for blazing mahogany hues to burn through azure eyes.

“Don’t.” She warned, one hand positioned in front of her, as if to dissuade him from coming closer. Again he wondered, had he frightened her? “Don’t, Cameron, don’t. I can’t, okay, I can’t. I can’t!” Tears slipping down her cheeks, he followed the instinctual tug towards her, unable to bear their separation. Stubbornly brushing past her idle warning, strong tattooed arms pulled her small frame to his chest.

“Shhh,” Although his heart was pounding, he eradicated all sense of fear from his voice, swallowing his own chaotic mix of emotions in order to ease the pain currently afflicting his fiancée. Gently, Cameron threaded his hand into her strawberry scented locks as she pressed an ear to his heart, “Shhh, it’s okay.”

To his astonishment, she began struggling against his chest, bracing against his forearms as she insisted, “It’s not! Fuck! I’m sick of this fucking — fucking — preformative bullshit! You know? I’m sick of being treated like a fucking pariah the minute — the absolute minute — they perceive me to be out of line. And what the fuck are their fucking lines? I mean, for the love of God, what the fuck did I do in there that warranted that? I mean — fuck — I just want something real, like, is that so much to fucking ask for?”

“Hey, hey,” Tattooed hands cradled her face, tone sharp and steady as he made it clear to her there would be no room for refusal, “Look at me.” Guiding a hand towards his heart, he continued, “This. This is real.” And like every time before, upon uttering the sentence, nostalgia stabbed him in the heart. His tone softened as full lips pressed gentle kisses to her temple, “Okay?” In his arms, she became undone, sobs tearing through her delicate frame as Cameron held onto her tightly, each muffled cry calling forth the searing hot pain of guilt.

As slow, steady breaths returned, spiteful words lingered on the tip of his tongue. Faced with the foreign territory of family dynamics, while Cameron knew the beast would gladly lend its voice to curse the people downstairs, he wasn’t quite sure it was best for Lex.  A harsh sigh pushed free from lips drawn into a thin line, a pitiful attempt at repressing the beast struggling to break free. Gently, he inquired, “What do you need from me?” Harsh truth clung to his throat. I don’t know what to do, but silent seconds ticked by as he wrestled the words out of his mouth. Muttering his defeat, he confessed, “I don’t know what to do, baby.” Lost and without answers, blood-red lips pressed apologetic kisses to her crown.

“I don’t know,” She shook her head, voice trembling in a way that alerted Cameron to her weeping. It broke him, soul aching at the sound. “I just — I just don’t wanna be here.”

Fine, he nearly answered in a gasp, that’s fine! We’ll leave! In fact, he was almost surprised by the level voice that answered her, “Okay, let’s get out of here.” As if it were nothing in the world, and in a way, it wasn’t. Heart pumping with increased regularity as he was faced with the need of an escape plan, Cameron recalled the nearest airport. They’d need a car. With a ghost of a frown, it became abundantly clear he couldn’t hot-wire a getaway car. Did she still have that credit card?

“What?” The voice from below squeaked, a mere echo in Cameron’s mind as he continued to work out the logistics of their escape. The credit card would allow them to purchase new tickets for an earlier flight. It was only six o’clock, surely there would be more flights to Seattle. Fuck, what about the ride back to Thornewood?

“Get your things,” He stated more plainly as he remained deep in thought, “We’re leaving.” Plan B, the ex-con decided, they’d stay in a motel until morning. It wouldn’t be much, but he had enough cash on him to at least afford that.

Cameron wasn’t aware of the silence stretching between them until she broke it.

“But how?” She wondered, large brown eyes peering up at him as her chin rested on his chest. Heart swelling with affection, Cameron fought the smirk flirting with his lips, instead pressing a kiss to her hair with a light chuckle. Times like this, doe-eyes wide with questions, assured the 28-year-old he still dazzled his fiancée.

“We’ll figure something out,” He cooed, self-assured, “We always do…you still have that credit card, don’t you?”

Her lips trembled, opening and closing as she stammered, “But, they pay for that.”

All resolve was broken, full smile gracing his lips as Cameron laughed heartily. Torn between the desire to confess his love for her and knowing he didn’t quite deserve to, he opted to dispel her disbelief. “Babe,” The New Jerseyan chuckled, “So? Fuck these people.” Stealing from the rich to give to themselves felt reminiscent of Robin Hood. They were poor enough, right? Besides, although Cameron would never voice his theory out of hurting Lex, he wondered if the Hales cared enough to check their daughter’s bank statements. Judging from the outburst tonight, it was clear she was “out of sight, out of mind” — regardless of how repugnant that behaviour was. Shaking off his thoughts and the beast that growled lowly from a place deep within him, with a few moments of encouragement, the couple were off.  

Blacked out windows hid exhausted features from pedestrians walking the streets of Boston, buildings and faces blurring as the sight of the city faded into the distance. Safety returned in the heat of the night. This he remembered. Nights so black that the darkness clung, sticking to his bones like a second skin. It was only then, in the midst of this familiarity, that he noticed the city streets red with blood, shimmering in the dim glow of the streetlights. The sickness struck him in the gut, twisting his insides without remorse. It wrenched the air from his lungs, chest tightening with an emotion unrecognizable.

Fear.

Sharp teeth tore into his bottom lip, resisting the urge to bark directions at the taxi driver. Faster! But it was worthless, already made aware of the ashes left in his wake. Another family destroyed, perhaps the only one that mattered.

Hers.

Wading through the murky waters clogging his thoughts, the river of guilt and disappointment ran deep.

“Talk to me,” A quiet whisper broke the silence, her soft touch along the back of his knuckles brought him out of the never-ending downward spiral. The only acknowledgement of her words was the whisper of a sigh that met the quiet command. Full lips hummed false happiness, hoping she would assume he was tired and leave it at that. Expectant eyes lingered. Fuck. This time, he shot for aloofness.

“About what?”

“About that, that look.”

There was very little fight left in Cameron to deflect the conversation away from the sea of doubt he was drowning in, no clear escape from the litany of thoughts corrupting every retort sitting on the tip of his tongue. He exhaled a large sigh, running his free hand through his hair.

“I’m supposed to protect you,” Hushed and delicate confessions caused his face to almost flush from the embarrassing fragility of his statement, had it not been for the A/C fanning his face. “Last time we were here, I promised you, like it or not, I’d protect you. Because I loved you. And — Lexus — I’ve only fallen more in love with you. Everything I felt for you back then...it doesn’t even scrape the bottom of the barrel. It’s not even shallow, it’s almost — I don’t know, it feels fuckin’ dumb,” A laugh, rueful and facetious, escaped his lips before continuing, “Like the way I imagine stupid fuckin’ 17-year-old little kids feel. And with that feeling, the way I feel about you now, I only wanna protect you more, y’know? And I know I’ve told you that, but...to know that this is my fault…” Grief-stricken hues shrouded by dark circles were painted a brilliant red by the colourful array of Boston’s nightlife. Briefly glancing across leather seats to Lex, he caught the unfamiliar sight of her unbuckling the seatbelt to crawl onto his lap. Forehead resting against his, he sighed, eyes slipping closed as a hand knotted into her hair. Gently, two hands caressed the sides of his face as if he were just as fragile as she, the pad of her thumb skimming over his tired features.

“Cameron,” She breathed, “You’re always saving me. You’re always protecting me.”

“Yeah?” His voice cut through the air in a low snarl, self-hatred dripping from every word, a pent up rage threatening to spill over and drown out her consolations with the tidal wave of his failures. “Is that what I was doing in the library? Huh? Let’s not forget I pushed you. Not Casey, you.”

“Because I jumped in the way—”

“Sweetheart, tonight. What do you call tonight?” His demand left exasperated lips. Hatred swelled with every syllable, lashing out against the feral beast that raged within his chest. There was no way to describe the near-constant power struggle between a man and his demons, both with an equally thin grasp of emotion. He continued, “If I never got involved, if I never stuck my fuckin’ nose where it didn’t fuckin’ belong, let’s be honest, you wouldn’t’ve been here. Y’know, I got so wrapped up in thinking that you were missing out on this great opportunity for a happy family — something I never had — I didn’t even realize I was walking you right back in to all your shit—”

The forceful guiding of her hand against his neck pulled cerulean hues to honeyed chocolate orbs, deep flecks of gold that seemed to emphasise the haunting notion that Lexus saw Cameron for what he truly was. In moments like these, as rare as they were raw, Cameron longed to see himself through her eyes. Flaws, mistakes and faults plagued his soul, yet she continually accepted and understood them. “What you did was admirable.” Despondent, Cameron attempted to turn away, until two stubborn hands held him tight, steadfast in her conviction. “No, honestly, Cameron. Listen to me, I’d rather you advocate for me and be wrong a million times than stand by and let me fall for everything like I used to. I mean, that’s what I’d do for you, y’know? And, let’s flip the tables — would you just want me to keep my fuckin’ nose where it belongs or whatever?”

He almost corrected her, you wouldn’t if I asked you to, instead he sighed in agreement. “Yeah,” He relented, thoughts inexplicably brightened by the tremor of her voice, weighty with truth. If all else failed, Cameron decided, at least she loved him. Fingers slipped beneath the fabric of her shirt as they skimmed over the sensitive skin of her hips, purposefully tickling her sides as he flashed her a devilish grin attempting to dispel the plague of unresolved frustrations, “But I’m right all the time.”

“You are not!”

“Oh, come on,” Came his teasing hum of disapproval, full smirk settling onto his lips as he affectionately nuzzled her strawberry scented locks before continuing to tickle her sides in the never ending quest to restore her infectious laughter. Ocean eyes found her, parted in the joy of laughter, suddenly irresistible. Catching her lips in a kiss, Cameron guided Lexus towards him, tattooed arms pulling her closer. For the first time since arriving in Boston, he felt Lexus relax against him, further encouraging their passion-fueled kiss — probably to the chagrin of the taxi driver, much to Cameron’s amusement.

Strong and profound worthlessness pulled him away, rejecting the joys of  pleasure as the city streets still ran red with the same blood coating his hands. “Lex,” The voice sounded strange, mangled in a way that made him wonder if it was his own. “If I were to tell you I’m sorry...would you know what I mean?”

Though his arms held her tight against his chest, he knew her brows furrowed as the quiet question slipped into the night, “What do you mean, ‘would you know what I mean?’”

Silence swallowed them all at once, tired eyes slipping closed with his nose pressed into her hair. For a moment, he imagined it seemed as though he intended to leave it there. Allow the question to be just that: a question, unacknowledged and unanswered, but he could never resist the temptation of her inquiries. Sighing against the crushing weight that fell onto his chest, constricting each breath that attempted to force its way free from his throat — now drier than the Sahara — Cameron was forced to confront the nature of her question.

It had been easier, once, to answer the onslaught of inquiries from his curious companion. Eyes wide with intrigue, Lexus’ thirst for knowledge was insatiable. For a quiet man, he never seemed at a loss for words, reveling in the power it gave him — that she gave him. Each answer was taken as gospel, as if he were the most trusted authority on every matter that came to mind. For the first time in his 28 years of existence, Cameron was taken seriously, his intellect not only trusted but praised.

Now, in the backseat of a taxi with her expectant eyes upon him, Cameron was speechless. Navigating blindly through the mess of residual anger, confusion pounded relentlessly between his temples. Something new lurked beyond the surface, tugging at him from below, endlessly dragging him ever closer towards the ghosts of his repeated failures as they rose beyond their desolate graves. Among that sad sea, three were freshly dug, all bearing the name of Hale. Heart pounding as if he had run a marathon, Cameron squeezed his eyes shut as chapped lips finally parted. Incoherent strings of syllables broke the silence first, until he found the semblance of a voice he made his own, “They’re just words.”

Soft and slow, it was a confession he admitted to no one. Two words he never spoke because they meant nothing. However, now, with the weight of a family crushed on his shoulders, Cameron was left nothing but those two empty words, uttered too often by people didn’t even mean it — or worse yet — had nothing to apologize for.

Alarms were ringing, red lights flashing as the startling realization smacked him with unrelenting force. How would he ever face himself now? Beyond every well placed joke that highlighted a fictitious sense of vanity, Cameron knew the truth: no amount of broken mirrors could ease the disgust he felt upon leveling his gaze with the two darkening hues that followed him throughout his entire life.

The black cloud of a stained reputation was nothing — a minor grievance or, most often, a badge of honor. The rumors weren’t unfounded, nor had they only surfaced in Thornewood. The talk surrounding him in Washington paled in comparison to the legend of his name in Camden. His name locked doors and drew shades. His hometown shrank from him. That was his job — better yet, it was nature. A door slammed as he walked down the street and Cameron smirked, which seemingly only terrified the town more, not unlike Mr. Hale’s paled features as he confined himself to a singular room of his own home, afraid of what monster accompanied his daughter upstairs.

For the first time in his life, Cameron regretted it. The pale features, the trembling voice — he longed to erase all signs of fear. The beast had gotten the better of him, and destroyed the Hales as a result. Lexus could never return home with him in tow.

“I don’t know how to make up for this — for any of this.” In a whisper, he voiced the sentiment bleeding from his open heart, “But I want to.” Opening his eyes, sapphire hues burned bright with exhaustion as he met her gaze. “Lex, you have to believe me, I never wanted this to happen. I just wanted to give you something I never had…and I blew it. I’m sorry isn’t enough. It doesn’t cover it. I—I don’t know how to fix this.” He shook his head, denying the arms that wrapped around him as his fiancé squeezed him. Rejecting his refusal, Lexus held him tighter, and he suddenly understood what she meant when she said sometimes it felt like he was trying to keep her together. Now, as Cameron unraveled under the cover of darkness, Lexus was the glue that held him together.