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certainempatheticturkeymuffin · 4 years ago

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So....

I finally got my Four Swords manga and read the entire thing in one sitting.

I have a few notes.

Red is a dumbass and I love him.

That whole hugging scene with Red and Blue came a little out of nowhere, but it was funny.

Red is an arsonist and I love him.

Green totally has the hots for Zelda.

I don't know why but Vio is my favorite.

Red is close in second though

Blue got fucking EATEN by the fucking Big Poe

And Red fucking saved him by being an arsonist

TWICE

Green is definitely the straight one, you can tell.

Shadow is dramatic as fuck

Vio is also dramatic as fuck

Shadow has a fucking DRAGON

Shadow literally destroyed Hyrule Castle and Castletown in a day. He's technically up there with Calamity Ganon

Shadow tricked Link into freeing Vaati!

My take was that Shadow was being heavily mistreated by Ganon and Vaati, which laid down some abuse subtext and....holy fuck that was sad. Maybe it's just 'cause my family was abusive that I got that read, but wow.

Shadow needs to be protected.

I love Shadow he needs to be given the good fucking things in life.

In the LU could he technically be brought back by one of Wild's blood moons? I read a fic about that. Does he count as a monster though? Then again, the blood moon enhances your cooking, so really I don't see why it can't give Shadow his physical form back.

Shadow deserves good things.

He just wanted attention and a family.

He killed himself to kill Vaati....I mean, I knew that before hand, but seeing it with my own two eyes....fuck

Shadow is a troll and I love him

He and Vio were just messing with Blue and Red lmao

Blue learned patience by being frozen in ice until Red decided to set him on fire, which, how long was that really? It was stated that they only left Vio alone for a day, so it must've only been a few hours. Must've felt like an eternity though.

I feel like Red and Blue were the main characters for most of the middle really.

I'm not complaining, their dynamic is hilarious and I love them

But I wanted to see Green and Vio interact with them more y'know.

I feel like Vio only really interacted with Shadow

And even then he was kinda lying the entire time.

Oh Hylia, Shadow's face when he realized Vio was going to smash the mirror.

That was just betrayal on so many levels

And he had just opened up about thinking Vio was the only one he could really trust.

After that I honestly feel it was dickish to just kill him.

And then he lives

Zelda is a top tier fucking Queen(tm)

She had no obligations to comfort someone who had kidnapped her and yelled at her

But she did and it was super sweet

THEN THE FUCKING SENTIENT CLOUD

I didn't know the clouds were sentient and honestly I'm still having a crisis over it

And in the beginning I thought Shadow just straight up killed Link's dad and I was like "oh damn okay this is darker than I expected"

But nope the fucker is still alive.

I feel like the knights of Hyrule were kind of a deus ex machina

And the final show down with Ganon was underwhelming

Vaati is a bitch

I think Red was the highlight of this story

And the fucking art style, because damn the expressions were funny

And I'm glad they implemented the subtle ways to tell them apart, like the textures of the tunics, the color of the shirt under the tunic(Green's is black) the light and dark eyebrows, and the eyes themselves.

Tingle was unexpected and I wanted him to go away like Green and Vio did

Honestly I still don't understand why people love Tingle, he annoys me.

Back to the actually good characters-THEY FUCKING LITERALLY TURNED A LITTLE GIRL INTO A DOLL

Her fucking doll(Rosie?) was creepy as fuck!

That trick was absolutely CREEPY AS FUCK

And I like how the four just wreck the bastard with toy weapons

And they keep them as real weapons when they leave

Like, how does that work lmao

Red set a fucking forest on fire

Red is an arsonist

Red is brilliant and I love him

Vio is an asshole and I love him

Just playing up how "Oh yeah Green is dead" and fucking messing with Red and Blue

I noticed Shadow is super touchy-feely with Vio and he's probably touch starved which makes sense.

Okay so Shadow wasn't dead, technically, is he still alive if all he can do is wave from Link's shadow and stuff?

It seems like a bad ending for Shadow.

In the LU, does this mean that Four just fucking stole the Four Sword and killed Vaati? Or did Zelda find some other way to seal him, 'cuz like, I'm pretty sure Four has the four sword in LU right????

So many plotholes but if this means I get more arsonist Red content, then I'm down.

Also, Shadow is gay af for Vio

Like, my gaydar was off the charts

YOU DON'T JUST GIVE A BRO THIS LOOK

70. And, like, Vio, you JUST fucking killed Shadow, don't give me this shit

71. This art is super gay, you can't deny that, they are literally fucking wrapped around each other

72. And Shadow wanted to fucking rule the world WITH Vio, like, DAMN he's thirsty 73. If it were me, I'd still prefer ultimate authority 74. Just in case y'know 75. And Shadow was so ready to spill his secrets 76. And he was so fucking heartbroken when he saw Vio with the sledgehammer 77. Like fuck Vidow is definitely my top pairing. 78. And Green and Zelda, the token straights 79. And we can't forget Red and Blue 80. Like Red was hardcore flirting with Blue, you can't change my mind. 81. Zelda was so fucking confused when she saw that there were four Links, and it was cute and hilarious 82. I normally don't like Zelda, but she was so cute and sweet that I really couldn't help it. 83. Also that chad drawing of a past Link that split into four was funny 84. It was just so fucking out of place 85. They literally only rescued two of the six mages, so are the other four still trapped or were they released when Vaati and Shadow "died"? 86. The knights of Hyrule had to save the four, so are they technically the weakest Link? 87. Fuck I made a pun 88. I fucking hate myself 89. Blue was probably my least favorite of the cast, but that was probably because he reminds me of my sister 90. Y'know, the sister that hits me, yells at me, and calls me names? 91. It just rubs me the wrong way. 92. But aside from that, he was great. 93. A bit of a cocky asshole, but great. 94. And Link's dad just thinking he sees his son's dead body and Shadow just yeeting him into the dark realm. 95. Damn Shadow was an asshole 96. Vaati was even worse though, trying to get Link's father to kill his four sons. 97. That would've sucked. 98. Link hiding behind Zelda's chair was funny 99. Green and Zelda with the childhood friends turned lovers aspect would be cute 100. I like how a fairy just pops up out of no where in the middle of the book

I think that's it?

I love this book and it'll probably be the only one I ever reread.

If you didn't know, I hate rereading content unless I find it or a certain part of it worth reading through again. Which is to say, one, maybe two, fanfics(oneshots technically), and maybe this manga. So yeah, quite an exclusive club.

I don't regret this purchase!

#four swords #legend of zelda #vidow #blue x red #zelink #zelda x green #commenting on a book #does this count as a book review?#fuck it #book review #book chat #gushing #some LU discussion #tags are hard #manga #manga commentary #no regrets

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infinitelytheheartexpands · 4 years ago

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Responses from the Opera Screencaps Captioning Quiz

Hello, everyone, and thank you for taking my quiz! I had SO MUCH fun reading your captions-- there were several times I literally started crying from laughing so hard at the amazingness of your work! With that in mind, the captions (which I will continue to add onto as more people take it):

(also, thank you to @dichterfuerstin for translating the German captions I got)

originally taken from: the Wiener Staatsoper’s 2020 production of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s Die Entführung aus dem Serail, featuring Regula Mühlemann (center) as Blonde, Michael Laurenz (right) as Pedrillo, and an unnamed extra (left) as the Grim Reaper

Responses:

(Backstage warm-up) “ok so someone dropped the pulse”

me and my friends watching the fire burn after doing arson

Introducing the polycule to the parents

*boom* ... did...you guys hear that too?

Ma Signor !

Knight in whinging armour gone wrong, look at how he holds the egg. Polyamory with weird knight and death.

the father, son and the holy ghost are very gay

the gays meeting for brunch, 2021, colorized

chicken lady forces death and a very flamboyantly homosexual anthropomorphized pink bird to be parents of her egg (they dont want to be)

That’s just me and my friends on our night out (before covid rip)-- closest

A Good Friday night

good omens (2019)

["the pocket guide to boy/girl/mischief" meme] who's the boy and who's the mischief though????

Papageno and Papagena take their first-born egg trick-or-treating

Angry Birds - The Musical. A pig stole an egg and the bird unites with death to take revenge.

I love my bird wife

Someone got murdered during the funky chicken dance

throuple murders child and steals sibling of said child

When you and your friends have widely different tastes in literature

angel leading twink to his rightful place (hell)

draco malfoy from a very potter musical and a death eater are very much in the wrong show

What have I gotten myself into

Mlm/wlw solidarity but I’m not telling who is who

A woman stands with a pink dipshit with an egg and a reaper.

A bird-couple makes a pact with Death, sacrificing their first-born bird-child in order to bring good luck upon their unborn bird-baby

There are three types of people on Halloween:

Uh oh, I don’t think the mother hen is very happy about this...

oh god, they’ve invented seussical. It’s too early!

gay brunch

Three little maids from school are we

guys maybe if we dress gay enough we can distract everyone from the dead flapper bee in the back

those three killed a duck for her egg and are facing the conswquences.

Duck has egg with human, shocked and upset due to biological impossibility

When you bout to make a banging omelet so you invite your fellow queers

"No mortal man could pass that egg, but heaven shall repair your rectum."

originally taken from: the Salzburg Festival’s 2007 production of Hector Berlioz’s Benvenuto Cellini, featuring Maija Kovalevska (left) as Teresa Balducci, Laurent Naouri (center, in chimney) as Fieramosca, and Burkhard Fritz (right) as Benvenuto Cellini

Responses:

“In this same interlude it doth befall That I, one Snout by name, present a wall; And such a wall, as I would have you think, That had in it a crannied hole or chink, Through which the lovers, Pyramus and Thisby, Did whisper often very secretly. This loam, this rough-cast and this stone doth show That I am that same wall; the truth is so: And this the cranny is, right and sinister, Through which the fearful lovers are to whisper.” - a midsummer night’s dream, act v scene 1

"ah yes a prime specimen. see here, right in this box is our one of a kind hob goblin that can be all yours for the low low price of your soul"

what, YOU don't have a special eavesdropping chimney window?

Hänsel und Gretel plotting against the witch

man takes a wrong turn and ends up in a chimney, catches his girlfriend cheating-- closest

when you end up third wheeling the straight couple

lady cheats on her leather jacket wearing scummy boyfriend and when he unexpectedly comes home she hides the lover in the chimney

A straight girl and her gay best friend gossip about stuff idk

Idk Shakespeare?

experimental couples therapy feat. the chimney mf from mary poppins

Area Couple Inadvertently Traps Santa-in-Training in Chimney as they Attempt Rooftop Flirting

Landlords laugh over student renter's misfortune

I never asked for this

Ay yo lil mama lemme whisper in your ear

voyeurist listens to sandy and Danny from grease

Psssst! Did you hear about Susan? You won’t believe it!

lady and the tramp meets beauty and the beast?

human trafficking

And for just $30 you too could have your own tiny brick cage!

Psst I’m wearing assless chaps under this dress

A couple tortures a man in a box.

It's all fun and games being stuck in a chimney until your greasy uncle steals your crush from right above you-- okay ngl this could actually be a great Don Pasquale concept

Taking eavesdropping to the next level

Will you two stop being lovey dovey and let me out? SUMMER LOVIN, HAPPENED SO FAST—

overhearing how people talk about you when they think they're alone puts you in the shithouse

Does he know we can see him?

dear god, i am so fucking hungry, yall please just do whatever heterosexuals do so i can go eat a popsicle

the human version of the trash man from sesame street is realizing that those two are going to fuck on his trash can

Tmw you capture an angry short dude and start trashtalking him where he can hear

Omg what if we kissed but we actually kissed the lil goblin man under us

"Remember, don't feed him after midnight"

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2017 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Le prophète, featuring Leonardo Estevez (right, on fake horse) as Le Comte d’Oberthal

Responses:

“When I said we needed to drain the swamp I didn’t think there were people actually living there”

horse? what horse? no sir i dont know what horse youre referring to.

definitely don't have a napoleon complex going on

King stole La Scala‘s Lohengrin set

king breaks all his horses, has to use statue dragged by servants as transportation because he’s too kingly too walk

Emperor Söder and his subjects on a carnival procession

man on horse makes a big deal out of being on a horse

That’s not Zeffirelli because the horse is not alive

Who the fuck put a horse on the stage

isn't this that picture of napoleon on the horse

Area Count Thinks Citizens will be Intimidated by his Extremely Fake-looking Horse Statue-- closest

Everyone wants their turn on the giant plaster horse. Police are there to make sure everyone waits their turn.

Night out with the lads

Local royalty horrified at the state of his own damn kingdom

gay army fights different gay aesthetics-- hi author how does it feel to be the funniest fucking person on this quiz

Well at least I LOOK badass

ceasar if he hadn't gotten stabbed (colourised)

some soldiers jumped out of my kindergarten fairytale collection book to burn the don carlos flemish deputies at the stake

It’s just a model

Is that how you feel pulling up in your Honda Civic, Madge?

Someone rides a horse statue in public.

Just a normal party with the bros.

what is this, some kind of crossover episode?

Terribly sorry for all the fuss, it’s just, that is, my horse is afraid of neck ruffles. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he’s—whoaaa there—he said he was a french courtier in a past life and he’s allergic to English fashion

Horse seller, listen to me! I am riding into battle. I need your strongest horse. - We have horses at home. - The horses at home:

All hail Incitatus the king

we are not ripping off shakespeare’s henry viii. what the fuck. this is about lenny xi you uncultured swine, go drown in a pit of your own farts

oh god is that hamilton

Guy Removed From Art Museum For Sitting On Statue, more at eleven

Gay <3

Officer: This horse... is a virgin! Crowd: *cheers*

originally taken from: the Parma Verdi Festival’s 2017 staging of Giuseppe Verdi’s Stiffelio, featuring Maria Katzarava (left) as Lina and Luciano Ganci (right) as Stiffelio

Responses:

That One kid in class

its a mEntAL BreAkDowN *final countdown but kazoo*

*record scratch* yeah, that's me. you're probably wondering how I got here-- closest

Dad keeps monologuing, teenager is done

left: all of my concerned friends, right: my emo ass having a very public mental breakdown

the demons in the corner of my room when im just trying to sleep

lady gets mansplained to (do i need to say more, we've all been there)

It’s probably an area baritone telling off an area soprano-- sorry; it’s a tenor. soprano is right though.

That was a fake horse in the last photo right?

child comes out as gay to father at a particularly bad time

dissociation solves everything

I can't believe it's not butter

Honey we talked about this

My sleep paralysis demon is Crowley from supernatural

child has nightmare of boring job

When you start dating a singer but he won’t stop practicing at night

just an average day in a hetero marriage

what do i do my wife's having period cramps again

Stop having an existential crisis. It’s time to sing!

“No son of mine will kin Gomez Addams under MY roof”

Crowley stares into space while a teen has post nut clarity.

When he wont stop reciting jordan peterson monologues!!

Do you realize how effed you are?

Ugh, not this lecture again! Dad’s Practicing For His Experimental Indie Band Again

asking your parents for help with your own personal situation and them just ranting off about what they went through instead of helping in any way

Will he shut up already!

no one tell him he’s yelling in the wrong direction, no one tell him plnsbdjddhdj

this kid is tired of his dad listening to rush limbaugh (a man who claimed to be pro life but died anyway)

Me internally vs externally

Daddy issues

originally taken from: the Grand Théâtre de Genève’s 2020 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Les Huguenots, featuring several chorus members

Responses:

It’s the deadly eye Of Poogley-pie. Look away, look away, As you walk by, ‘Cause whoever looks right at it Surely will die. It’s a good thing you didn’t … You did? … Good-bye. - shel Silverstein

why the fuckith? my good sir, i beg of you to put your pants back on

I hate this itchy hat

Titanic Extras hear that they have to do extra hours

people waiting to board the titanic watch someone fall off the plank

pov: you’re a time traveler

guy in the flatcap is embarrassed by patriotism and pathos

No idea. For some reason Le Marseillaise comes to mind

Is this from Harry Potter?

disneyland main street usa workers on strike

local tries to hide behind Newsies cap to avoid unpleasant but inevitable conversations. meanwhile, some very fashionable ladies look on.

"Thank fuck, 2020 was just a dream after all"

“We gather here today because this bitch got exactly what she deserved” “heaven!” “Stfu Stephanie she’s going to hell and we all know it”-- not quite but this basically happens later on in the opera (and act) so yeah (except the person in question very much Did Not Deserve It)

dc movie filter on bridgerton

america?

looks like my history teacher paused the prohibition documentary again

Who still wears page boy hats bro?

Coming out to a room of people who Already Knew That

Bitches are relieved at some party.

Several drunk people exiting getting off the subway attempting to seem sober and rational but realizing they have somehow lost all of their possessions

How tf do I act natural in this situation-- closest

“do you think any of them noticed that I don’t know the pledge of allegiance”

It's too fucking hot outside for this outfit

when hyyh yoonkook ending just hits different

pedestrians watch in horror as the triangle shirtwaist factory burns and the workers throw themselves out of the windows from a dozen stories up

Starting the pledge of allegiance be like

He's having a heart attack oh no oh god oh fuck

originally taken from: if I remember correctly, the Semperoper Dresden’s 2018 semi-staging of Johann Strauss II’s Die Fledermaus, with Jonas Kaufmann as Gabriel von Eisenstein

Responses:

“William Shakespeare wrote: "To thine own self be true And it must follow, as the night the day Thou canst not then be false to any man" I believe this wise statement best applies to a woman A blonde woman Over the past three years she taught me And showed us all That being true to yourself never goes out of style Ladies and gentlemen Our valedictorian: Elle Woods!” - legally blonde the musical

eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs

woooooorrrrd

Finally Jonas has graduated! It’s about time, considering he’s an international star.

what my professors think they look like

Prof. Dr. Dr. When someone tells him there are more than two genders

'and since you've now graduated high school, you'll be entering college etc. blablabla' .........meanwhile, there's a whole row of graduates daring each other to chug the cheap vodka one of them has brought in gallons (yes that happened at my graduation, lol)

Jonas darling baby <3-- can’t argue with that

I just realized I have no idea what the actual fuck happens in an opera

ok this one is just what jonas kaufmann always wears you can't fool me.

"as valedictorian i will share with you the importance of loving the floor"

"Yes, mother, my art degree will make me money!"

Graduation speakers are out, singers are in

Senior year takes a new meaninbg

mansplainer professor explains the concept of feminism to women

Your Prof when you finally turn in that missing assignment be like

younger boris johnson (derogatory)

jonas kaufmann retires from opera and takes up motivational speaking

What a fine graduation evening we’re having today

-70 points for slytherin you all have no swag

A man with a college hat sings.

An obviously greying actor trying to play a university student in a low-budget porn parody

How it feels to graduate high school after being held back for years

East High is a place where teachers encouraged us to break the status quo and define ourselves as we choose. Where a jock can cook up a mean crème brûlée, and a brainiac can break it down on the dance floor-

I may not have been "cool" in high school, but in ten years you will all be working for me!

I finally got my GED!

that one guy in ur intro to cultural anthropology class who mansplains to the professor somehow fucking graduated

he;s just graduating and taking his speech too serously idk

Graduation speeches with that one dude who got held back 3 times

Smrt

originally taken from: the Metropolitan Opera’s 2011 staging of Gioachino Rossini’s Le Comte Ory with Joyce DiDonato (left) as Isolier, Diana Damrau (center) as Countess Adèle, and Juan Diego Florez (right) as Le Comte Ory (disguised as a hermit)

Responses:

There is something very [disturbing grunts] About polyamorous couples - polyamorous, Chris Fleming

jinkies

femme fatale (including to herself)

I’ll have a threesome soon !

Hot guy walks by, everyone swoons.

thirdwheeling friend does not realize the other two are having sex

When your girlfriend had „just two beers“ again

jesus is exasperated about having to drag the two ladies towards doing what he needs them to do instead of purple dramatically declaring suicidal intent over the smallest trivial matters and red being equally dramatic about declaring that it's not the way! stay alive! i love you!!

The throuple is thriving

Get off the milf

orgy

my last three braincells because im a horny slut

countess receives too much love and is confused on how to react

Rasputin's lesser known romp with a much older czarina of russia

Woman's soul leaves body

Jesus and co. are worried after another woman gets pregnant without having sex

bisexual looks at photos of celebrity couples

When you go to the party to socialize with new people but your weirdo friend group starts getting clingy

Jesus cumming

one of those weird church christmas pageants but everybody's drunk

What have I done

Hozier??????????

Jesus assfucks some purple lady being hugged.

This time, the chick IS the magnet

An affair/threesome gone awry (2019 colorized)

What do you mean they canceled GLOW?

“I TOLD you it was cashmere!”

Are you wearing the - - The Gucci dress? Yes I am.

It's not what it looks like!

jesus is fucking that one cheerleader who grew up to be a suburban mom with one (1) super cool dress she stole from her kid who is desperately hugging her middle begging for it back because the spring fling is coming up and jason might actually make eye contact with her for more than three seconds.

jesus and mary magdaline and some other bitch

I’m at a bar and these drunk girls are flirting with me, do I lOOK GAY?!

Shrek 5, jesus's return

c. 2025 First attempt of an Officer and his Wife with a Handmaiden (colourized)

just about all of these are close lol

originally taken from: the Bolshoi Theater’s 1993 staging of Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s The Maid of Orléans, featuring Nina Rautio (left) as Joan of Arc and Vyacheslav Pochapsky (right) as Thibaut d’Arc

Responses:

Don’t look, I’m still pooping

yall, the audacity of this man. he fuckin talked to me

*i can't even tell you how wrong you are* *it would be insulting to ME*-- closest

Cospeto!

„No I’m not talking to you, you keep cracking bad jokes!“ - „But I got another!“

when you’re mad at him but he says he’ll buy you food if you cheer up

When I’m wallowing in self-pity but my friends won’t comfort me

right: wanna fuck ;) left: yeah, fuck OFF lmao

Her face is screaming “don’t tell me what to do”

Yeah I got nothing

gay man tries to hit on a lesbian bc he thinks she's a twink. she's not amused but she's watching this happen anyway

me tired of MET's bullshit and them organising a Netrebko, known blackface apologist, a recital during Black History Month. (sorry im still fucking salty lol)

"stop smiling at me like that I'm trying to pout over here"

"I got fleas, you got fleas... wanna fuck?"

I have the best idea!

Haha nooooo don’t hit me with that bat you’re so sexxyy

lesbian is bothered by dilf

Me trying to flirt

if call me by your name was hetero and set in america

how many more dad jokes can i take before i explode

So. You’ve gotten yourself in a little pickle again.

What if we fought in the Russian revolution together ✨???????... unless??

Two people flirt in a poor place of town/

"If you ask me what I've got under this dirty, shapeless tunic one more time I swear to god I will kick your rotting teeth in"

You look like ur gonna kill me but ok

Really? You again?

Okay, I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes, do you think it’s safe to—oh god, he’s still there.

Have you seen Godot?

she is tired of everyone’s shit. she has done so many derivatives it physically pains her to see a variable. dont test her. ur icarus rn.

idk pick better pictures-- I HAVE DIED THE SHEER AUDACITY AND HUBRIS I LOVE THIS

200% done with your crap

Homeless man has fucking legs of steel n is gonna show off his Russian dance moves

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2019 staging of Paul Dukas’ Ariane et Barbe-bleue, featuring Sophie Koch (right) as Ariane and I don’t remember who the person on the left is rip me

Responses:

The knight who wore this into battle sure was swaggy

dear god its hiddeous

Capitalism

Knight in shining armour gone even more wrong.

ghost contemplates the safety of spiky motorcycle helmet

„Stop! He feels bullied!“

'this is my newest take for jesus's crucifixion crown ...... what do you mean they already put him up'

That’s probably a really expensive magic helmet idk. IDK-- closest

Omg I love the adventure zone!

minesweeper (windows xp)

"Okay whatever you do don't touch the shiny spiky ball" "It's so shiny I wanna touch it"

Taking down the trash way too late

IT'S NOT A PHASE MOM

Darth Vader got stuck in the freezer.... again. Leia isn’t happy

Star Wars 2030

“And here is the very latest in motorcycle helmet trends” “Look, I only came to the mall for a pair of socks “

futuristic kkk

long-suffering jewelry store attendant really wants to retire

Put it down put it down put it down

“Hmm no you should see a doctor about that”

A weird ass crown is presented

The creation of sars-cov-2: an experimental Eurotrance nightclub art piece gone horribly wrong

How it feels to want something that u cant have

AND WE WILL CALL IT—SPIKE MAN actually do you think that’s too obvious?? Because of the—yeah, because of the spikes?? See, that’s what I’m worried about. I want it to be SCARY

I know it's risky but... lube me up

use the force luke.

that is a weird fleshlight

When you get an ugly gift and need to find a way to get rid of it, so your family member/friend offers to smash it

Touch the orb

originally taken from: the Opera Vlaanderen’s 2019 staging of Fromental Halévy’s La Juive, with Nicole Chevalier (left, with bottle) as Princess Eudoxie, Enea Scala (center, under table) as Prince Léopold, and Roy Cornelius Smith (right) as Éléazar

Responses:

When no one comes to your birthday party :(

fantastic, day 487 of mischief and they have yet to find my masterful hiding spot

i really wonder who he thinks he's playing footsie with

Marriage crisis. Reason sits under the table-- closest but not in the way you think (after all, the man under the table IS a tenor).

the last supper afterparty after jesus left

When you order the last supper on wish

espionage at the Politischer Rosenmontag

Probably the wrong opera but is that Leporello under the table

Now THIS is a Good Friday night

this was every birthday party i went to between the ages of 5 and 11

that awkward moment when you drop your fork under the table but when you re-emerge everyone else has left except one drunk lady and the guy trying to deal with her

After the last supper

Tfw you arrive to the dinner party too early and have to hide until a more fashionable hour

When the cishets aren’t home

waiter hides from customers

Nobody: My dog every time I’m eating:

what's left of the homies Jesus had dinner with

university chem lab experiment gone terribly wrong

I’ve been under the table FOR 30 MINUTES

Set your friends up by tossing them off under the table, they’ll think it’s each other n fall in luv

Someone hids under a table

"You're about to see an surreptitious-under-the-table-dick-sucking master at work"

5 yr old me trying to eat the desert under the table without my parents finding out be like:

They never invite me to their parties!

Just another girl’s night in

Oops! Didn’t notice you the table.

dionysus - bts (2019, colorized)

just a normal episode of eric andre (eric is the one under the table)

Just a normal day with the boys

Thievery

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2017 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Le prophète, featuring Kate Aldrich (left, surrounded by women in white) as Fidès and John Osborn (center, looking like a Jesus doppelganger) as Jean de Leyde

Responses:

Hold up, is that Eggman above Jesus?

holy disco

Looks like Tannhäuser. Our lord and saviour Richard Wagner. Now I need to be saved from that.

catholicism

me defending pineapple on pizza (THANK YOU)

jesus but hes about to be abducted by the alien ufo above him

Emmmmmmm Heaven? Idk

Lord of the rings?

ewww christianity gross

"behold, I am Important"

"Seriously?? It's not ACTUALLY pyjama day? Fuck you guys!"

Jesus at the Disco

Jesus Finds The Molerat People Who Live Under Bethlehem

disco is heaven

Want to join my new religion?

the kkk

church christmas pageant where everyone's sober but it's based on the director's fever dream

Am I the only one who sees the giant demon? Just me? Okay...

“Oh god I think I’m starting my period”

A party is held with a priest in the middle

"Let's get this secret Vatican sex party rolling!"

The new avengers endgame set is looking great!!

You know, guys, I try not to be a bother but...I can’t help but feel like I missed a dress code memo for this wedding??? It’s cocktail, right??”

Jesus visits Hogwarts

I must really stink if no one will even come close to me

the extra ass funeral i DESERVE

star wars life day

A cult at it’s best-- closest

Shrek 5, Jesus is still there I guess

originally taken from: the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden’s 2013 staging of Giuseppe Verdi’s Les vêpres siciliennes, featuring Bryan Hymel (left, standing) as Henri, Lianna Haroutounian (center, kneeling in the black gown) as Duchess Hélène, and Erwin Schrott (kneeling to her right) as Jean Procida

Responses:

When the director’s like “great rehearsal guys, just a few notes before I let you go” but it’s already 9:13 and your mom’s waiting in the parking lot

loyalist of subjects

bow before your queen

They forgot to take down the stage boxes after the Vienna opera ball but the show must go on.

somebody forgot to book chairs for this funeral

Me sharing God’s (Hayley koyoko) word on the discord server

mass execution bc the oboe solo sucked ass-- closest

That’s too many black suits I can’t see shit

I can’t even tell what’s going on here

8th grade school assembly about how it's uncool to shit on the walls at school

let's all get fancy so we can go to the opera and sit on the stage (idk this one's hard lol)

"Yes i am a time traveller, now don't freak out"

Tfw you forget to pay your lighting bills

White guys make decisions that will benefit them and screw someone that’s not a white guy over-- OUCH but that is too real (although not really in context here)

dead man gives speech at his own funeral

brotus and the boys ??? last meeting before the stabbing

high society social function ends in mass murder-- right opera, wrong scene

Someone walks into the talent show stage with a dog

Black-dressed bitches worship a man.

Worst school assembly of all time

POV:You're the window in the classroom and someone said "its snowing"

When the conductor shows up fashionably late to the orchestra concert

That's what you get for choosing the cheapest ticket option, get back in the mud where you belong

theyre just trying to jump into a grave at a funeral leabe them alone this is normal

oh my god he really whipped his dick out in front of everyone, this is just like in 1776 guys, except some women are actually in the room this time,

A funeral, stop wearing so much black

I want to slap their bald heads like rice

originally taken from: the Teatro Real Madrid’s 2018 staging of Gaetano Donizetti’s Lucia di Lammermoor, featuring Roberto Tagliavini (right) as Raimondo

Responses:

Crowd “haha!! Looks like someone missed the all-black memo!! Now it’s laugh-in-your-face time! / Guy on the floor (whispering to guy against wall): go, save yourself! I’ll hold them off...”

if i leave now i wont be a witness and can tell the police i had no idea

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Guy in the back pretends to help but is to far away to even know what’s going on.

priest walks in on beginning of an orgy, contemplated joining but is too scared-

when someone brings up capitalism but you’re just trying to play minecraft

lol lets trample this guy while the judge isnt looking

Again. Too many black costumes

Loved this Dostoevsky novel

i would know if opera directors were more creative with clothing choices ngl

me on parties lol

"imma just sneak out of here while everyone else is distracted"

"Where did he get this flooring!? Amazing!"

Everyone act normal!

The tell tale heart but they got REALLY drunk

man tposes to ward off vampires after being caught undercover

boys ???? night

the priest really shouldn't have visited the insane asylum-- closest

He’s FINE everyone’s been hit by a car before

Something happens in a room.

Perks of being a wallflower

There's always that one person in the fight whos trying not to get involved when they really wanna

Oh good, they’re all posing for a Rembrandt painting, I can just sneeeeaaak out the back here...

The gamer livestreaming Resident Evil + everyone watching the stream ? waiting for him to open the door just knowing it will trigger a chase scene

Quick!

the guy t posing in the back is regretting his every decision.-- also accurate

the us senate jumps ted cruz, some other wack ass gop senator is trying to sneak away

...I spoke too soon, however this is a James Bond mission

Queers help fellow queer do math but it's a struggle

#opera #opera tag #results #screencaps #captions #caption #caption this #caption contest #this seems to have gone over well and I am Pleased

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blackpinehq · 6 years ago

Photo

THE ALLEGIANT

facts

. name: tomás “tommy” jacob flores . age: 23 . gender identity & pronouns: cis male, he/him . occupation: line cook at the diner

backstory

you have always believed in a higher power, in something larger than yourself. you yourself were a ‘miracle baby. after you defied all odds, you devoted your life to thanking the force that had gifted you with your life. your family never missed out on mass, and you remember yourself shaking father williams’ hand at every gathering ever since you were three. after abigail’s death, however, you found yourself filled by uncertainty as her name was slandered by the church. you knew she had not been as lucky as you had, that she had not followed the same path of light you had, but that did not mean she was to be punished for it. for the first time, you can feel yourself questioning the institution you’ve grown so fond of. is following god’s path worth turning your back on your late friend?

connections

. the zealous » they were the priest’s child, and because of this, you two existed in the same circles. you met on the field overlooking the church, bonding over your shared beliefs. now, both of you seem to feel on edge. you’ve always relied on each other in times of crisis. will you two come together to defy the institution that raised you?

. the insurgent » you feel bad for them, but at the same time, you don’t. you think it strange for such a paradox of emotions to cloud your judgement, but it is what it is. for one, you disapprove of their recklessness and defiance, and on the other, you envy them, for they live with no rules or constrains. still, your interactions are, more often than not, tense and heated.

faceclaim

froy gutierrez

The Flores family is not the sort of family you used to find among the regular members of the church. Instead Luis and Hannah Flores were the sort you’d usually find passed out at the bar, or on the street buying more illegal substances. They had a poor reputation, and came from the wrong side of the tracks to put it lightly. So, how has Tommy ended up where he is? How has his family turned their reputation around, and become beacons of light to those around them? The Church helped. Hannah Flores became pregnant with her son, and was told he’d likely not survive if she didn’t sober up. No alcohol, no drugs. Nothing she used to numb whatever it was that was causing her pain. It would kill him, and maybe kill her. Even if she tried to get clean, there was a chance he wouldn’t be a healthy child. As you can imagine this was devastating to hear for both Hannah, and her husband Luis. Where could they possibly turn to for help?

Reverend Williams personally showed up at the Flores household to help both Hannah and Luis through it all. He worked with them to get clean, he helped them find steady employment, he was there for them when little Tomás Jacob Flores was born three months early. It was weeks Tommy was at the hospital, with very little good news from the Doctors. Yet through some miracle, a month after he was born he was released from the hospital into his parents care with a clean bill of health. He is told this story often. By his parents, by Reverend Williams, by his doctor, by random townsfolk who knew about it… The odds were against him at birth, but the Lord must have seen something in him, something that would be a gift to the world he didn’t want to take away. Tommy is grateful he is alive today, and he is sure to show it every Sunday at mass, but he’s not so sure about that being a 'gift’ thing.

Even so Tommy had a nice life after that. Not an easy life, mind you, but nice. Steady employment doesn’t mean a lot of income, but his parents tried their hardest to provide for themselves and their son. At a young age he did what he could to help them as well, often forgoing social activities with his friends to do odd jobs around town to supplement the household income. School was alright, though he wasn’t the brightest kid he worked hard enough to pull good grades. After school, when he was old enough, he got a job as a Dishwasher at the local diner. That was his life. School, work, home. Not to mention there was always Church during the weekends. There was mass on Sundays. There was the youth group where he got together with teens his age. That was nearly the extent of his social life. Perhaps it sounds boring to others, but Tommy was never unhappy. The opposite actually, he was grateful.

Going to school was simple, but it didn’t last forever. Eventually he graduated, and decided that he would continue working at the Diner to pursue a career as a cook. It was something that interested him – and he was never going to have the money to attend any college – so it was what he continued with. He moved up the ladder from a dishwasher to a line cook, and whenever the diner was in need of someone to step in he was the first one there. On the other side of that, graduating high school meant people started asking him questions. “Hey, Tommy, when are you going to settle down with a nice girl?” “Tommy there are lovely girls within the church who would love to get to know you better.” “Tommy, when are you planning on getting married?” Etc…

No, he didn’t want to live at his parents house forever, he was trying to save up to move out on his own. But did he want to find a nice girl, get married, and settle down with her? Tommy knew the answer to that. He’d always known the answer to that.

In school there were a number of girls who had shown interest in him, he had always been an attractive guy, friendly, and well mannered. Back then he could always use his religion as a shield, as an excuse to fend them off. He wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, he wanted to wait to get serious. It wasn’t completely a lie, but it wasn’t the truth either. Tommy wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, because he didn’t like girls. He liked boys. He was gay. It was easy to ignore in school, because he really wasn’t ready to get serious with anyone, boy, or girl. But now? … He doesn’t want to continue to lie to people. Not to his parents who have done so much for him, and keep talking about him getting married and having grandchildren. Not to Reverend Williams who has pointed out multiple girls who are interested in him. Not to the girls who he is sure are great people. Tommy is worried about how people will react to him coming out, of course. But he had never seen the Church turn its back on anyone before, surely they’d accept him. That was what they were always taught, right? Acceptance?

Then suddenly Abigail Meyers disappeared. While the link between her disappearance and him stepping further back in the closet isn’t a clear one, it was absolutely there. He watched people he respected, people he liked, all suddenly started slandering Abigail’s name. They said terrible things. That because she hadn’t followed a holy path she was going to suffer, and deserve it. That because she wasn’t truly righteous she was never going to come back, and maybe they didn’t want her to. She had a family who loved her and missed her. Tommy knew Abigail, himself. They had been friends since school. He knew she did what she could to help others, she even volunteered at the children’s orphanage. How could people say things like that about her? She’d done absolutely nothing wrong.

It was the first time he’d really noticed the cruelty in the people around him, and … he didn’t know what to do about it. It devastated him, and it made him afraid. What happened to love, and acceptance? Certainly the Lord would not want a young woman to suffer just because she didn’t regularly attend church. Tommy is not exactly sure where to go from this point forward. It has shaken him, but he can’t keep denying that something is wrong when it’s been so clearly shoved in his face for weeks now.

#lsrpg #skeleton rpg #mystery rpg #town rpg #a.#m.#tm.#ta.

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emphasis-all-mine · 6 years ago

Text

Oh Anon, you done permitted me to unleash my Klance storm I’ve been brewing all evening let me tell you…

So here's the thing I back when the SDCC thing dropped. James looks like he has purple eyes. I thought he was going to be revealed as a Galra plant? But no, he just has violet-ish eyes and honestly to me? He looks like a Klance lovechild.

Which got me thinking. What if he was? (Through a combo of Alien science DNA-mixing and a surrogate).

Okay so basically the premise is like in Sailor Moon when Chibiusa shows up but KLANCE:

His parents sent him through a cosmic wormhole or whatever because it isn't safe for him in the future timeline but maybe something goes wrong and he lost part of his memory and was adopted by the Griffins but remembers his Dad (Lance) and Pops (Keith). Just not their names and their faces are fuzzy but he remembers them loving and protecting him and each other.

As a wee child he arbitrarily decided that his Pops is the only person in the world allowed to call him "Jim" or any variation thereof bc his Pops is so chill about it.

(This made Future!Lance sad bc he named him James Tiberius Kogane-McClain for a REASON and wanted to be able to do “Damn it, Jim! I’m your father not a...” Dad jokes and JAMES SENSED THIS WAS COMING)

When he meets Keith at school he hates him. He doesn't know why. At the Garrison he's super fond of Lance and they both consider themselves Keith's rival and maybe bond a little over that? But also Lance is funny! Reminds him of his Dad’s sense of humor. Huh.

Keith gets so exasperated at one point he goes to Shiro:

"UGH WHY DOES JAMES HATE ME IS IT BECAUSE I'M GAY?"

And Shiro's like, "Well Keith, James was telling that Taylor kid that he has two dads, do you think it–"

"WHAT. WHAT THE, wait, omg he's friends with Taylor wtf I don't want to hate him he's so damn cute, I HATE HIM NOW AND HIS STUPID TWO DADS."

There's other clues like when Lance finds out James's full name is James Tiberius and he's like "ZOMG I always wanted to name my future kid that!! I never told anyone that before!! Why am I shouting? JAMES YOU'RE SO COOL!!"

*Keith overhearing this in the lunch room, snapping his spork in frustration*

"Why Taylor whyyyyyy... I can't tell if you have bad taste or if I do?!"

*Adam slowly slides him a Capri Sun and pats his shoulder*

(Future!Keith didn't fight Future!Lance on the name bc he got a "BABIES AND WOLVES DON'T NAME THEMSELVES, OKAY??" lecture and it makes Lance super happy. However the next kid has to be named Yoralivan they promised Krolia).

James and Keith are arguing and Keith is like "WHATEVER JIMBO!" and James just freezes because that's what his Pops and ONLY his Pops calls him and he cries because hearing Keith say that name in that tone causes his memories to come flooding back.

He runs away to his bunk and tries to rationalize it and realizes he must be in an alternate reality like Uncle Slav said! Because his dads can't really be the goofball who does random silly dances in the hallway and the annoying rebel show-off? RIGHT?

Wrong :)

So that's the day Keith gets kicked out of the Garrison. James doesn't talk to Lance anymore, and Lance thinks he did something wrong but won't get an answer out of him but shrugs it off because he's a fighter pilot now!

Cut to the paladins returning to Earth. And Keith is back and so is Lance and wait… They're holding hands. Oh no. OHHHH NOOOOOOOOO. OH GOD NOT THIS REALITY TOO! I CANNOT WATCH MY PARENTS DO THIS WHAT IF I WALK IN ON THEM DOING SOMETHING THAT WILL SCAR ME.

James is now having a crisis because they have to save Earth but also he REALLY is getting weirded out watching his parents make goo-goo eyes at each other.

He also quickly realizes they both plan to propose to one another and starts conveniently interrupting and separating them.

But also? He oddly… supports them!? Like when they snipe at each other he tries to shut that noise down quickly and yells at Keith to go apologize to Lance because "He deserves so much better than YOU, but you make him happy so don't fuck that up, okay?"

(He’s secretly cheering inside because holy FUCK he’s allowed to yell and swear at his Pops and he’s not getting a “Language!” raised eyebrow of disapproval from his Dad or Uncle Shiro).

Actually it makes him pang a little inside because one of his favorite things is when his Dad would hear him swear and he and his Pops would make fun of his reaction:

“Language James! Keith, back me up here.”

“... Watch your fucking mouth, Jim”

“KEITH!”

“LKSDJHS I will father, I will.”

Keith has already realized his Taylor error from back in the day so he remembers James and Tay-Lance being buds and OH NO IS THIS FUCKER AFTER MY MAN. FFFF IM PROPOSING RIGHT NOW.

Keith has Cosmo (Kosmo?) zap them away to the cockpit of the Red Lion bc James can't interrupt them there and he proposes with a ring he forged during his two years on the space whale after smelting down a re-puposed dagger Krolia had from her family. Lance cries and takes his own ring out of his pocket that his mom gave him (was her father's ring) after she spent 3 minutes with Keith and Lance in the same room and realized her son needed to put a ring on that STAT.

James is. Very. Conflicted.

Because he loves his parents. He wants to go back to them.

But they're also right in front of him and he can't let it show. Because he's realized he is in his own timeline (damn it Slav!!) and he doesn't want to butterfly effect himself out of existence.

(Or he'll wake up and his middle name isn't Tiberius it's Kosmo-Yorak-Kolivan-Texas or whatever Keith would decide in revenge for all the crap he's put him through).

They do find out though. It's a little weird.

Shiro just blinks and is like. "I should be more surprised right? But I have a floaty robot-arm and Altean magic powers and I literally could not fathom how i'm supposed to be shocked anymore."

Adam buys Keith a lot of Capri Suns (in this universe James sabotaged his getting to the mission on time like his Pops told him to and Adam is perfectly awesomely ALIVE bc fuck why not I'm already writing a Klance lovechild Sailor Moon AU so Adam lives bitches).

Happy ending! James goes back to the future and Lance is hugging him like "Omg I am so PROUD YOU GREW UP SO GOOD UGH YOU ARE GONNA BE SUCH A HEARTBREAKER NO DATING UNTIL YOU ARE 22 PROMISE ME!!"

James rolls his eyes. "Da~aaad. You were how old when you two started–"

"NO DATING UNTIL YOU ARE TWENTY TWO!"

Keith's all soft, fond smile on his face, "Nice work, Jimbo," and ruffling his hair. "But did you have to be such a royal pain to your Pops like that?"

"Shut up Mullet!" James and Lance say while both crying and hugging.

"Yeah okay… Your name is Yorak now."

Uncle Adam and Uncle Takashi are crying into their Capri Suns. Uncle Slav has been tossed into the brig by Aunt Allura for almost interrupting the reunion.

#em answers #anonymous #whoops I accidentally wrote a s7 klance fic #with shadam because fuck yes #voltron spoilers #voltron season 7 #voltron season 7 fix-it #klance #shadam #adashi #headcanons #em writes #em rambles #james griffin #klance lovechild au

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libraryofmegharoni · 4 years ago

Text

The Heart's Invisible Furies [John Boyne]

started: March 21, 2021 finished: March 24, 2021 rating: 5/5

review:

its now been 2 weeks since i finished The Heart's Invisible Furies and tbh i still dont have the words to describe it.

first of all i've apparently wanted to read this book for at least 3 years. after i got it i found it on a random list of books in my notes of books i wanted that i made couple years ago. i have absolutely no idea where i heard about it the first time. i actually dont remember where i heard of it or why i put it on my list a couple months ago but evidently i did.

this was one of the (many) books that i intentionally didn't read the synopsis of and didn't want to know anything about it before reading. i knew bits going into it. i had the general info that it was about a boy born in Ireland who was adopted, it's set during The Troubles, and its gay enough to have the 'LGBT' tag on goodreads.

after a day of reading it my only comment i wrote down was: i think i cried 6 times reading the first 100ish pages.

which honestly sums up my entire experience reading the entire book.

the novel is organized so that each section is every seven years. there's a total of 11 sections so it covers 77 years all about Cyril Avery's life. the first section is about his mother dealing with being an unwed 16 year old pregnant woman in mid-1940s Ireland. and let me say: the actions of most of the 'adults' are absolutely horrific. the first chapter is Cyril's mother, Catherine, being kicked out of her village at Sunday Mass. her entire family and the rest of the village are against her and back the priest who tells her she has like an hour to leave the village and never come back.

when she gets on a bus to Dublin, she meets Seán who is also escaping his village to Dublin. they arrive and are greeted by Seán's 'friend' Jack who reluctantly agrees to let Catherine stay with them until she can support herself. its pretty obvious that Seán and Jack are a little more than friends but Catherine doesnt think anything of it until the end of the section. before the end tho, we meet the only valid adult / person of a previous generation, Mrs. Hennessy. i absolutely loved that she makes an appearance the the following section and gets name dropped throughout the rest of the novel. this first section is where we learn her general backstory and god fucking damn it i was appalled. at this point its less than 50 pages into the book and i was nearly full on sobbing. and the tears dont let up from there either! right after finding out what Mrs. Hennessy has gone through, Catherine returns back to the apartment she shares with Seán and Jack and once again there's adult and parent who is absolutely horrendous. this is finally when Catherine learns that the two boys are actually in a relationship because, who we later learn is Seán's father, who Seán was escaping from when he left his village, forces himself into the apartment. within the next few minutes, there is a filicide , someone left on the brink of death, and a birth.

this is literally all 50 pages into a nearly 600 page book. it sets the tone for the rest of it and gives a solid understanding of the mindset of Ireland in this time.

7 years later, we finally meet Cyril as as not just the concept that is causing issues for Catherine. we're introduced to the couple that adopted Cyril, who are odd to say the least. they are the type of parents that didn't really want a child because they were ready but instead as a show piece. the Avery's also constantly remind Cyril (and others) that he is 'not a real Avery'. hmm i wonder if this will have an impact on Cyril's future relationships?????

his relationship with Julian Woodbead is one of the most important to Cyril's life. i think its talked about later in the novel how their friendship is built on a lie. from the start Cyril is obsessed with Julian and Julian doesnt acknowledge it really. the perception of their friendship is so biased since we are viewing the world from Cyril's point of view and how he is effected. because of this perceptive, its so hard to believe that Julian didn't know that Cyril was in love with him. but i think Julian was such a product of the environment his was raised in and living by the acceptable ideas of the time. from an early age one of his defining traits is essentially being a womanizer. its hard to tell how much of him is just for show and how different him, and Cyril, would be free of a society with such strict exceptions and definitions of right and wrong. was Julian truly completely straight? or was he lying to everyone and himself to fit in with society?

Cyril deals with his repression of being gay in such a detrimental way the entire time he lives in Ireland. he constantly lies to everyone in his life and forces himself to live a lie. his inability to confide in anyone leads him to getting engaged to, sleeping with, and ultimately marrying Julian's sister, Alice.

oh my god the lead up to the marriage ceremony and the events after hurt so many people and i didn't know who's side i was on for them. Cyril ends up in a relationship with Alice and somehow engaged to her. he almost breaks it off with her but every time he cant say the words. its heartbreaking thinking about Cyril was just so fearful to tell the truth to people who loved him.

its finally on the wedding day that Cyril confesses to Julian that he doesnt love Alice in any romantic way because he's gay and is actually in love with Julian. Cyril wants to Julian to allow him to not go forward with the marriage but with Alice's past (she had a previous fiance that left her at the alter) Julian tells Cyril that he's going to marry his sister and be a perfect husband to her.

Cyril does it. partially. he marries Alice then flees the entire country. coming from Cyril's point of view, i was relived that he was free from lying to everyone. but on the other side -- he just left everyone hurt and unhappy in the wake of his actions. its so easy to see how Cyril feels forced into his decisions but understanding how those decisions affect the people around him make it hard to support Cyril.

7 years later we meet the most important man in Cyril's life, Bastiaan. after leaving Ireland, Cyril ends up in Amsterdam, where it is so much more acceptable to be gay holy shit. he meets and starts dating Bastiaan there. Bastiaan helps Cyril unlearn a lot of what he was forced to live by and accept who he is as a person.

he also meets Jack who opened an Irish pub in Amsterdam with the name of Seán's last name. when i realized it was Jack from before and Jack named his pub after Seán made me weep like a fucking baby.

i could list all the times i started crying but i would end up crying all over again and have to add more to the list.

anyway in Amsterdam Cyril and Bastiaan acquire a foster son, Ignac, who just like everyone else in this novel, has a tragic past. after some events (another murder, this time the dick head is the one killed instead of the one doing the killing) and the three of them end up in New York.

they are in America during the beginning of the AIDS crisis and holy shit. yeah more balling. thats the main takeaway.

in New York, Cyril volunteers to talk to AIDS patients who are dying but have no family visiting them. one of the patients is Julian. once again i turn into a fucking baby. Julian reveals to Cyril that he has a son back in Ireland from the one time he slept with Alice. im gonna cry if i think about Julian and Cyril talking anymore i stg. but uhh Julian makes Cyril promise that he'd be the one to call Alice when he died and once Julian does pass, Cyril has every intention on doing just that. but before he can, him and Bastiaan are jumped by a group of thugs who end up seriously injuring Cyril and killing Bastiaan.

7 years later, Cyril is back in Ireland with Ignac. this time he is in Ireland as an openly gay man and is attempting to build a relationship with his son.

there's so much more that happens that i can't even convey. but holy fuck was it so god damn fucking good.

finally when Cyril is in his 60s he figures out that he is the son of Mrs. Goggins, who has never really left the story. Cyril and Julian run in to her when they are 14 in boarding school, Cyril runs into her multiple times when he works almost with her, the morning of his wedding at a cafe, and when he returns he works in the same building that she does. so throughout his life his birth mother was right there but neither of them knew it.

after 7 years, they go together back to the village that Catherine was born, raised, and kicked out of. its finally here where we learn the identity of Cyril's birth father (Catherine's aunt's husband).

bro i gotta be done now. like there's much more that i want to talk about regarding The Heart's Invisible Furies but i just cant think of them rn.

tl;dr - ballin like a baby the whole way through. also society sucks.pls read its worth it

#megharoni book log #megharoni 2021 reads #the heart's invisible furies #john boyne

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xavierfiles-blog · 8 years ago

Text

Entry 072 - Iceman

Art by Chris Bachalo

Name: Robert Drake

Code Names: Iceman

First Appearance: X-Men #1 (Oct ’63)

Powers: Ice manipulation

Teams Affiliation: X-Men, Champions, Defenders, X-Factor

About

My first draft of this article had a pretentious quote from Watchmen (the Pagliacci joke) because I wanted to talk about how much Iceman avoided his real internal problems by being a clown. Then I realized that was the least Iceman way to open up this article. Instead, I am going to pull the equally pretentious trick from Sex Criminals where I break the fourth wall and just talk directly to the themes I am trying to discuss. That seems more up Bobby’s alley. So here is the deal, Bobby is the class clown. He also recently came out as gay as an adult (and at the same time as a teenager but don’t worry about it). His entire characterization in the modern age has been about holding back something. It just so happens that one of those somethings is his sexuality. He is still the Bobby we know and love, now with a twist! Anyway, here is the part of the article people actually care about.

Portrayed by Shawn Ashmore

Bobby Drake had a simple life on Long Island. His father could be overbearing, sure, but it wasn’t a bad life. While he was out on a date, like all boys his age were doing, Bobby was interrupted by the town bully and decided to reveal his secret. He shot a blast of ice out of his hand, freezing the ruffian in his tracks. The news about the Drake boy spread fast and a mob assembled to attack the young mutant. He was rescued by Professor Xavier and his recruit Cyclops. The Professor offered Bobby a spot at his school for gifted youngsters and erased the memory of Bobby’s powers from everyone in the town.

Art by George Tuska and John Verpoorten

Bobby took the name Iceman and trained in the use of his mutant powers. He discovered he could cover his body in snow, creates slides of ice, and freeze his enemies in their tracks. He formed a close bond with his teammate Beast and the two often went on double dates with some hip chicks from Café A-Go-Go. He had fun with the X-Men, they became like family, but soon new members appeared and Bobby realized it was time to move on.

Art by Jack Kirby and Paul Reinman

His father always wanted him to have a respectable job so Iceman enrolled in the accounting program at UCLA. He and his roommate Angel got embroiled in a plot by the god of the underworld to defeat Hercules and had to team up with Ghost Rider and Black Widow to form The League of Leftover Heroes The Champions of Los Angeles. They quickly folded, realizing they had literally no reason to be a team and Bobby decided to head back east to finish school. His good buddy Beast enlisted him to join the New Defenders with Angel while trying to finish his accounting degree. He began a relationship with his gender fluid teammate Cloud but struggled to accept them for who they were. He felt a sense of emptiness when they left the group and the Defenders soon disbanded and Bobby finally got his CPA.

Art by Don Perlin

Bobby got a job at an accounting firm and quickly realized that he didn’t want to spend his days hunting for deductions. When he found out that the original X-Men were reuniting as X-Factor it took literally zero effort to convince him to be a superhero again. Iceman started mentoring their young wards, even if kids like Boom Boom pushed his patience to its’ limits. He was captured by Loki, who unlocked the potential in his powers, but Bobby didn’t want to put the effort into testing them further. He began dating record store employee, Opal Tanaka and was entangled in a power struggle involving her family’s branch of the Yakuza and Cyburai (who, yes, are cybernetic Samurai). X-Factor rejoined the X-Men and for the first time since the silver age, Bobby Drake was home.

Art by Whilce Portacio and Art Thibert

Speaking of home, Bobby decided to take Opal to meet his parents. His racist father didn’t approve of his son dating outside his race and refused to accept the relationship. Between Mr. Drake’s attitude and Opal’s Cyburai based issues, the two decided to split. Without a relationship to define him, Bobby felt aimless. This only got worse when a comatose Emma Frost took over his body and used his powers in ways he never dreamed of. Iceman was dejected that Emma was so much better with his powers and left the team to go on a soul-searching road trip with Rogue.

Art by Steve Epting, Dan Green, and Steve Buccellato

Iceman volunteered to by the X-Men’s spy in Graydon Creed’s presidential campaign and saw a different side to his family. His father attended a debate of Creed’s but surprisingly spoke out against the anti-mutant bigotry the candidate spewed. Bobby was touched by his father’s words and moved to action when Creed had him attacked for speaking out. Soon, Bastion’s Operation: Zero Tolerance was underway and Iceman was forced to recruit a team of ragtag mutants to combat it. He had grown as a leader and as an X-Man.

Art by Carlos Pacheco and Art Thibert

The X-Men grew again, enlisting Northstar into their ranks. The Canadian speedster made a pass at Iceman, assuming he was gay, and was strongly rebuffed (oh and Chuck Austen starts writing Bobby like a jerk here for absolutely no reason). In response, Iceman pursued a relationship with the X-Men nurse, Annie Ghazikhanian but also Polaris at the same time. It sure felt like he was overcompensating for something. Soon after, M-Day hit and it appeared that Iceman was among the mutants to lose their abilities. It turned out that his issues were psychosomatic and Bobby only thought he has lost his powers rendering the whole thing pointless. Boy was this a bad time to be reading X-Men.

Art by Sean Philips

He was recruited by Rogue to join her X-Men strike force. He fell for fellow teammate Mystique and was shocked by her sudden but inevitable betrayal. Iceman and Cannonball were the last men standing after her attack and led the counter-attack. He followed the X-Men to San Francisco and was a solid contributor to the team, with the most notable thing being the time he had his body blessed with holy water so he could fight a vampire army. He wasn’t being well utilized on the island and jumped at the opportunity to follow Wolverine back to Westchester to start the Jean Grey School.

Art by Billy Tan and Andres Mossa

Iceman finally put his degree to use as the school’s chief financial officer. He taught classes, had a fling with Kitty Pryde, and joined one of the field teams. He also gained better control over his powers, mastering the ability to create an army of ice men. On a mission battling Celestials, Iceman was infected with the Celestial Death Seed, and his inhibitions slowly slipped away. He gathered all his ex’s and kidnapped them, he needed them to see he was worth their love. He confronted his father, nearly killing him as he asked why he could never accept his son. But above all else, he called on all his powers to cast the world into Fimbulvetr, the Norse great winter. The X-Men stopped their ally, but something was different in Bobby. Knowing the anger inside him and the insecurity he had repressed, left a mark on Iceman. He knew he would have to confront this sooner rather than later.

Art by Gabriel Hernández Walta and Cris Peter

Beast decided the best way to teach Cyclops a lesson would be to totally mess up the space-time continuum and bring the original five X-Men forward from the past. Iceman got along pretty well with his younger self, maybe he hadn’t matured much past the class clown he was a 15. The young Iceman confronted his older self with the revelation he had come to. Iceman was gay. For years he put his energy into being a superhero, doing what his dad wanted, trying everything he could to avoid coming to terms with the truth, but he couldn’t hide any longer. Bobby decided to come out of the closet, but the M-Pox crisis put personal relationships on pause. Now that it is resolved, Iceman has an upcoming solo title that promises to explore what this new normal means for Bobby.

Art by Mahmud Asrar and Jason Keith

So before we get to the end lets talk about this retcon, because I know that’s all the comments are going to be about. There has been rumor and speculation that Iceman was gay since at least the 90’s (since that’s as far back as Dr. Internet can find but I won’t be shocked if it was before then). That doesn’t mean the subtext is textual, gay subtext is there for just about every member of the X-Men, but fans seemed to latch onto it with Iceman. There was even a gag on Family Guy about him being gay. I say all that just to point out that it wasn’t out of the blue. Now, it is obvious that Stan Lee and Jack Kirby didn’t create him as a gay character in 1963 and most writers wrote him straight as a default (Majorie Liu being a notable exception). Characters change and I believe having his sexuality be part of Bobby’s long history with repression is a valid interpretation of his history as a character. Plenty of gay men date women, get married, and have children before coming out of the closet later in life. Him dating women in the past doesn’t invalidate his sexuality. There are plenty of other arguments to get into about the specific mechanics of how he was outed, none of which I feel like starting a debate over, but Iceman being gay fits for me. X-Men fans should be excited that a marginalized group has such a high profile character as a member, not upset that it may not fit into every detail of continuity.

Art by Kevin Wada

Must Read

Iceman is an interesting character to recommend a book for. He often works as a secondary character in an ensemble and his solo titles have been universally bad. The moments where major stories turn the focus to him, like Operation: Zero Tolerance or Austen’s X-Men have happened to single dark times for the books. Probably the most interesting Iceman story comes from Majorie Liu’s run on Astonishing X-Men with Gabriel Hernández Walta. In this story Iceman is forced to confront all his repressed feelings about his father, his sexuality, and the potential of his powers. Bobby questions himself in a deeper, more personal way than he had before. Walta provides stunning, moody art that he would go on to perfect in books like Magneto and Vision. It’s a little uneven but it is well worth a read in trades or on Marvel Unlimited.

Art by Phil Noto

Ranking

When Stan Lee talks about the creation of Iceman he discusses wanting the Human Torch but with the opposite powers, and that is exactly what Iceman is. He is a knock-off version of the worst member of the Fantastic Four. He has often been a one-note joker where the best thing you could say about him is that he has the potential to be really powerful. Writers have struggled to find a good angle for the character and Bobby largely gets put into prominence because of his status as an original X-Man and his arresting visual design. I do not understand why anyone thinks he needs more of a costume than just his iced-up bod, but I digress. It isn’t that Iceman is a bad character, it’s just that I can think of plenty of X-Men I would rather see fill the same niche. The only other O5 character on the list is Cyclops and Iceman doesn’t rank anywhere near that high. In the same way I don’t see him anywhere close to his long time love interest Polaris near the bottom of the list. When I started this, I put Rachel Summers as a weird dividing line, but I like Iceman has had a lot more consistency than Rach. As I scan up the list my eyes stop at Kid Omega, him staring in Generation X has me more excited than the upcoming Iceman solo series so that has to be the ceiling. Right below him is Dazzler, and I’d rather read a comic with Iceman than with her. That slides Iceman in as the new number 25 in the Xavier Files.

Iceman was requested by Patreon supporter /u/bendisisgod among others. Thank you for the request. If you have a request for how about you send it below? If you want to cut to the front of the two-year long line, we have a Patreon you can support Xavier Files for just $1 to get a line cutting reward.

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Entry 072 – Iceman was originally published on Xavier Files

#Iceman #Sina Grace #X-Factor #X-Men

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thedisasterhasarrived · 5 years ago

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A Short Story Of How She Met Her Best Friend

Alright. The other day, I was just laying in my bed. The lights were off, and I was in the middle of yet another existential crisis. Here I was, just gradually losing all concepts of reality, sinking into an eternal abyss.

There I was, in a ninja state, consumed by my downward spiral, when all of a sudden, my phone scared the holy spirit out of me, by ringing as loudly as possible.

You may be thinking, that's not so bad. But, being me, I rolled off my bed onto the hard floor, tangled in my blankets, and ended up getting my hair caught in my earbuds that I had lying next to me, by my phone. Perfect, right?

And so I very aggressively answered the phone politely with a whisper, saying, "Hello, how may I help you?"

I guess all of that training in Mc Donald's earning money for college was finally starting to take effect.

I hadn't even seen the caller ID, but as soon as I heard the voice I knew who it was.

My best friend, possibly only friend, Cade. That's actually his middle name, but he refuses to tell me his first to this day.

So, being himself, Cade replied to me with a very cautious, "I don't have time for your social awkwardness right now, I need your opinion on something."

Really sweet guy, Cade is. A real teddy bear.

But in all honestly, Cade is the literal light of my life. Being an only child, Cade was basically a miracle from Heaven. Though, Cade's family believes in this weird religion that requires some weird shit. Like, I'll just be hanging out with him in my room, and then he will jump up, yell something about Oh Styx, and disappear for a few minutes. He will then reappear covered in golden glitter. Weird, as I said before.

So, I don't know if I told you this before, but in my little time here, we are going to be talking about Cade.

Moving onwards, I said Cade is really nice. But, in all honestly, he's the most antisocial pessimistic hypocrite you've ever met.

I'm going to tell you how I met Cade. Sound cool? No. I told all of my family a different story. Something I created to satisfy their questions.

This is the first time I'm ever going to tell the truth.

So, I lived in an apartment building, with my two lovely parents. I didnt have any friends. School was hell. I was bullied because I was and currently am, Asexual. I like people, but I don't really want sex. Like, at all.

Anyways, I'm going to share this secret for the first time. In this story I was 15. I am 16 now, and Cade was 14, currently 15. At the time of our first meeting.. I was not mentally stable. I was depressed and suicidal.

I finally gave up. I was ready to die.

I was up at the top of our apartment building, which is a few stories high. It was a tall building. So I was standing on the edge, about to end it all. I was crying, obviously, and there was only a little breeze. I was swaying, as if I would magically die standing still. Dont get me wrong, I wanted to die. I wanted to jump. But how do you say, I choose this second to jump. All it would take is one tiny step. I would fall through the air and then splat. No more me. I was frozen. How do you pick the one second to say, oh, this is a good time to die.

So, there I was. Then, out of the blue, I heard a voice speak behind me. "What are you doing?"

I of course, spun around and almost fell to my death. My stomach flipped and I tripped back onto the gravel roof.

I looked up and saw a skinny emo teenager. He looked tired. And disappointed.

I felt confused.

He spoke again, saying, "What are you doing, you idiot? Are you serious? I don't have time for this."

I, being the depressed yet feisty woman I was, kind of felt offended. Who is this dick head to chastise me as if I was I was himself sitting at the dinner table trying to figure out the last problem on his calculus homework.

I glared at him, and smartly said, "Excuse me?"

He then sighed and punched his nose.

He proceeded to ask me questions.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?"

I nod.

"Are you going to kill yourself?"

I nod.

"Are you going to jump off of this building?"

I nod.

He sighed.

I was trying to hide my shaky hands, and wiped my ruined make up. I was crying, guys, and do you know what happens when you wear mascara and cry? It streaks down your face like black sharpie.

"I have to stop you, now. You know that right?" He glared at me as if I was a minor inconvenience. A rock in his shoe.

Fuck that guy, I thought.

I made a show of standing up and getting back up on the ledge. I was again felt the crippling terror of staring downwards.

I heard him walk over to me. Then he was standing next to me.

I knew what he was doing. He was going to say if I jumped he would jump too. I voiced this accusation, and he laughed.

"Well, yeah. But I don't really mind. I don't really want to be alive right now either. I'm just floating through life. I have no purpose or reason to live."

I felt aggravated at him. This guy sucks. Whatever.

And I thought, fuck it, I am going to die tonight, I domt care if he dies with me.

So I stretched my legs for a minute, balancing precariously on the edge, getting ready to jump. Stalling I know. But who cares.

So, I counted down from 10.

10. Beathe in.

9. Breathe out.

8. Breathe in.

7. Breathe out.

6. Breathe in.

5. Breathe out.

4. Breath in.

3. Breath out.

2. Breathe in.

"I have a family waiting at home for me."

His words shocked me into standing still. I was so close.

"I have a twin brother. His name is Austin, and if I die, he is never going to get to see me again. He saw me this morning at breakfast. The last thing he said to me was, bye. Love you. That means if I die right now, he will never see me again. I will disappear off of the face of the earth. He will never hear me ask him for help with English homework again. I have two dads too. One is gay, the other is bi. The bi one is named Liam. He is a doctor. He loves his job, saving people. But, imagine his inner pain at not being able to save his own son. How does that make you feel? My other Dad is named Nicky. He lost his mother at a really young age, his father didn't care about him for a long time. He only had his older sister. Her name was Tay. She then abandoned him as soon as they got a new home with a different family. He was staying at a foster home. She got the choice of staying with him or going off to an all girl's school. His sister left him by himself at age ten. She then died not even a week later, in a freak accident. He was completely alone in the world for a few years. He also went into a lot of other shit just like that, going through hell, literally. After all of that, everything finally went right for him. He is happily married, with a sister, and he has two children whom he adores. Do you really want to put him through more? He already had a bad life. Do you want to ruin all that he earned through unknown pain and self hatred?" Cade ranted for a few minutes.

Damn him! How can I ruin his family's lives? Fuck! FUCK!

We stand ins silence for a long time, and I decide to just quit. I get off of the side of the building and walk back to the stairs. Another time, I guess.

Cade follows me. As I am about to walk down, leaving him forever, he gives me his number.

"Call me."

The only words we have spoken to each other since his speech.

And that, my friends, is how I met Cade.

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thefarlefchronicles · 7 years ago

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Farlef Chronicles Episode 4 - The Farlefhymenning

This chapter is dedicated to Spotify and its creation of the exclusive Farlef Chronicles Playlist.

https://open.spotify.com/user/227f24h5jhnr6y6v6zhnfudsy/playlist/22y0Yqx1Ruj22k9TdJItbF

Previously on The Farlef Chronicles, HOLY FUCK WHAT THE FUCK, FUCK ME SIDEWAYS HOLY SHIT FUCK BALLS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK EVERYONE'S DEAD FUCK ME. FIRE.

Current - December 25, 2016 2:21 A.M. at Farlef and John's Apartment in Spokane

After riding all night along US-395 N southbound they finally made it to Spokane, the upper echelon of Deer Park,Washington. As Farlef, his wheelchair bound dad, his brother John and his brother's girlfriend Sarah rode in silence wondering what they just witnessed and why it happened, they were all waiting for Farlef's Dad to finally get out of his own personal flashback after he declared it all started in 1941. In his blank daze all they could do was now stare at their Christopher Reeve acting father and wonder what images danced in his head. It couldn't of been of sugar plums dancing in his head cause he called them the fruit of the faggot and banished him from his home every Christmas. No what was going on through Farlef's Dad's head was much more barbaric and erotic.

As John was driving towards his apartment in his Bitchin Brubaker Box he decided to address everyone in the car.

"Farlef, this seems like the type of shit you and dad deal with, I never in the past wanted to know what you two did, I figured I let Bigones be bygones

but now that Sarah is involved I am too. Whatever you two need, you can count on me."

"John I really don't give a shit, don't involve me in this" Sarah declared as she wondered what was on tv to watch.

Farlef was shocked that his brother was willing to join them in whatever came next. He had heard tales of John's time down in the Congo as a member of the Peace Corps and how it turned bad. No one heard from his group for 4 months then one day on a small raft made of human bodies, not corpses, actual living bodies sewed together to make a raft he reappeared. He said nothing of the experience and no one asked any questions.

"Glad to count on you bro, I have no idea what is about to happen but if they willing to burn down our town, try to kill us and somehow involve Justine in all this it seems like a bigger conspiracy then either of us could of imagined."

John pulled his Bitchin Brubaker Box into the parking lot that was outside his apartment.

"When Dad wakes up from his stupor, our lives will probably change. Not for the better, its never for the better when he goes on his rants but either way we are in this together. Now get Dad off the roof and I will see you inside" John said as he ran inside to avoid the rain.

As Farlef was dragging his father up the stairs the back of his wheelchair popped open revealing a secret compartment in his wheelchair. The back had a false backing and inside was many moose tranquilizers, moose pheromones, a selfie with a bear and a scroll that was thousands of years old written in menstrual deer blood on human skin named 'Ponere cervis auritosque Mailman et nuntiavit autem custos arrhabonem'. As he tried to say the words a loud his father woke from his stupor

"THE STAG, THE MAILMAN AND THE KEEPER OF THE PAWN" Farlef's died cried out startling Farlef.

"Dad are you ok, you been passed out for over 3 hours since we fled Deer Park" Farlef exclaimed.

“What are you going on about, got too much gay in your ears, this entire time I was explaining the deep rooted history of the war with the moose, how it happened, why it happened, fuck don't you two cock mongrels listen to anything. Always on your fancy pocket porn doohickeys and jerking off to Asian Bestiality Necrophilia porn. Fucking weirdos, back in my day we sneak into the forest during mating season and watch bears fuck to get our jolly's off. Sure it was risky, a bear in heat will fuck anything. If I had known that once that bear penetrated me and snapped my spin in two that I would never walk again I would have had the decency to go to the Deer Park Sperm Bank and made a deposit and hope to one day spread my seed again in hopes of getting a masculine son that was straight cause at the moment I can't feel any pain except the pain of knowing my sons are homosexuals." He bellowed out as Farlef brought him into John's apartment while Sarah came out of their bathroom and went to the bedroom she and john shared heterosexually pretending she heard nothing as usual.

"Dad you literally were about to explain what happened, said it all started in 1941, then went into some weird coma so we tied you to the roof of John's bitchin Brubaker Box and got the fuck out of Dodge”

"Why where we in Dodge? We were in Deer Park, our precious holy land, burned to the ground"

"Getting out of Dodge is just an expression and it turns out Deer Park was not burned down. The Moose used CGI to fake everything except our house burning down, that was real. They are sophisticated mother fuckers" "You mean my antique collection of pharaoh pubic hairs are gone. I don't have a reason to live" Exclaimed Farlef's father.

Unbeknownst to Farlef and his brother, while their father had his 47th life crisis, they where going through his things and found charts and maps explaining the centuries long feud between Deer and Moose.

"I’ll be right back I need to Back the bus out of the garage " Farlef said.

"What?" John replied.

"I need to Balance The Budget"

"?"

"I need to bomb the porcelain sea"

"Seriously what are you going on about"

" I need to chop some butt wood, go colon bowlin', Dispense some soft serve, Drop Anchor, Fertilize the Ferns, Give back that Corn, Got to put one on the Radar, Ignite a Rectal Rocket, Log into the toilet and make a huge download, Pinch a Stink Pickle, Release the Chocolate Hostages, ya know Montezuma's Revenge"

"Farlef I have no idea what the fuck your rambling about"”

"I NEED TO SHIT JOHN, I WAS TRYING TO BE DISCRETE"

"Oh why didn't you say something, you could of just said you needed to get a Stranglehold on a Darkie"

"Hot peppers have killed all that I love And what I loved was an asshole that didn't burn like the great fire of chicago" Farlef declared as he left the bathroom.

He felt like Johnny Cash cause his asshole was a Burning Ring of Fire. After thoroughly destroying yet another bathroom, a record 13 he walked into a sight he had no words to describe.

"I was gone for 15 minutes reading a nice article bout bay window decor in Good Housekeeping and this is what I return to. First off Dad, what in the fuck are you doing"

"I AIN'T GOT A REASON TO LIVE BOY, I COULD ONLY DEAL WITH YOU NANCY BOYS WITH MY VINTAGE PHARAOH PUBIC HAIRS. PAPI MADE THE PAWN OF A LIFETIME FOR THEM. I GOT NOTHING" he yelled as he swung there, his neck too fat to choke himself.

And John, what the fuck is happening here"

"ITS ALL CONNECTED FARLEF, IT ALL MAKES SENSE. DAD IS A RAVING HOMOPHOBIC, RACIST, PARAPLEGIC, CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING IN HIS LEGS BUT THE FEELING OF KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE TRIES EVEN THROWING HIMSELF DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS TO ELICIT A REACTION OF PAIN BUT THE ONLY PAIN HE FEELS IS KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL OF A MAN BUT HE IS RIGHT. ITS ALL ABOUT THE MOOSE. ONE SPECIFIC MOOSE, PEPE SILVIA" he exclaimed as he took another drag of his cigarette.

"In the name of the Mailman, The Papi and the Holy Stag" Farlef prayed to himself.

His brother was right, so was his RAVING HOMOPHOBIC, RACIST, PARAPLEGIC, CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING IN HIS LEGS BUT THE FEELING OF KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE TRIES EVEN THROWING HIMSELF DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS TO ELICIT A REACTION OF PAIN BUT THE ONLY PAIN HE FEELS IS KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL OF A MAN SO HE STABS HIMSELF IN THE LEG WITH A KNIFE TO FEEL ANY PAIN BUT THE ONLY PAIN HE FEELS IS KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL NOW HE HAS A KNIFE STICKING OUT OF HIS LEG THAT HE DOESN'T FEEL ANY PAIN IN EXCEPT THE PAIN OF KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL SO HE TAKES ANOTHER KNIFE TO JIMMY THE FIRST KNIFE OUT OF HIS LEG BUT YET HE STILL FEELS NO PAIN EXCEPT THE PAIN OF KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL, NOW WITH TWO KNIVES STUCK IN HIS LEGS HE CAN'T FEEL father. The moose where behind everything.

"Dad you need to tell us everything, how this began, why its happening, we need answers"

"I TOLD YOU ON THE RIDE UP HERE, CLEAN YOUR EARS OUT AND STOP THINKING BOUT CHANNING TATUM FOR 2 GOD DAMNED MINUTES." He yelled still swaying from the ceiling.

As both brothers stood their in a daze thinking bout Channing Tatum and his luscious body, his father went on to tell the tale of the greatest story never told except when he is drinking and on the drive up and to a young girl the one year he played Santa Claus at Reindeer Festival in '98 where they sawed reindeer horns shorter so they looked like regular deer.

"Do you unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit want to know the full story or just the cliff notes cause I don't got all fucking day. Now you slimy little communist shit twinkle toed cock-suckers cut me down, I gotta restock the pond with brown trout" Not even 2 minutes after cutting their father down and watching him struggle to roll to the bathroom they heard a loud crash.

“Fucking weak fucking ceiling can't even hold a fucking grown man's weight and his fucking wheelchair, good for nothing spic labor, Trump was right, build the fucking wall and make them pay for it. Sad part is they probably make it as shitty as your ceiling and first breeze rolls in the wetbacks would watch it fall over and then just get across" Farlef's dad muttered from the floor.

"Ok queerbait and friend, story time, gather round the campfire" Farlef's dad said as he started a campfire in John's living room.

"You want the whole story or the short version for your ADHD riddled minds" he asked.

"The beginning dad" they both said.

"Ok I remember emerging from darkness, light blinding me. I was scared. I had emerged from nothing into this new world. A man in white was holding me and your grandmother and grandfather were there. I was naked and covered in blood"

"What the fuck you going on about" John yelled.

"You said from the beginning, I am starting with my birth, where was I? Ah yes I was crying for deer life, not knowing where I was or whence I came but every sight, sound, smell was new and exotic"

"Jesus fucking christ Dad tell us about the war, oh my God" Farlef said with disgust and mild intrigue.

"Fine for fucks sake, I asked if you wanted the long or short version ok, here we go……. We went on vacation to Moose Lake, Wisconsin, fucked shit up and now they hate us" Farlef's dad said as he took a puff of his deer shape pipe.

"OH MY GOD YOU HANDICAPPED OLD FUCK, ALL YOUR STORIES ARE LIKE THIS, EITHER WAY TO DETAILED OR YOU JUST MUTTER OFF A SENTENCE. FUCK. JUST TELL US THE STORY OF WHAT YOU DID AND WITH WHO TO PISS OFF THE MOOSE THAT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS THEY WANT YOU DEAD."

"Fine" he said as his eyes started glassing over, getting ready for another flashback.

It was the summer of 1969. I was a young man, strong, smart, handsome, single with the legs of a Kenyan sprinter. Beautiful Adonis like legs, sculpted from marble. Hips that could crack a cinderblock between them and thighs that when they rubbed together started forest fires. If I wore shorts, panties hit the floor so hard it cracked concrete. My legs were so magnificent that it caused young men to hit puberty and women to ovulate. The population of Deer Park skyrocketed that summer when I came around.

Next was my brother from another Italian gangster mother, Sam. God Sam was a beautiful man. He was part James Dean, part Burt Reynolds and all sex. His nipples were the size of quarters, perfect. His ass was two handfuls of glory and his crotch was so astounding that he had to have custom cloths made to accommodate his Italian Stallion. I still remember when I could still walk we would go skinny dipping together and he would arise from the water, shinning in the moonlight, with a giant catfish on his crotch and he laugh it off saying he caught us dinner.

Last but not least the third member of our rat pack, our Deer Drove. Papi. This is the sickest mother fucker I ever met. I met him one day while perusing a local mom and pop shop for some pop and a milkshake. As I was about to pay a brown hand stopped me. I was about to undo my pants and show him my legs, that usually did the trick when anyone fucked with me, but I looked into his eyes and saw myself. The past, present and future. I saw all possibilities and no possibilities. Time and space stood still in this man's eyes and I realized we were now imprinted for life. He then proceeded to throw a Molotov cocktail at the waitress and we fled with a free coke and a shake. We been best friends ever since.

The three of us where hanging out, getting ready for the Bi-Annual Running of the Farlef. It was a hot August 9th and it was an especially important year, it was the Bi-centennial of the founding of Deer Park. It was a momentous occasion, after Derby Deer Races, Deer BBQ, the tormenting of the Moose and the popular Running of the Farlef, the great Deer Shaman was going to come down from the mountains and bestow his wisdom on the town.

It was nighttime when the mighty shaman came and told his tale, the true meaning of Deer Park.

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in moose blood, and dedicated to the proposition that all deer are created equal.Now we emerged victorious in a great civil war, testing whether that deer or moose are the horniest and so dedicated, can long endure. We met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their antlers so that Deer Park might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this and of course fuck with the shitty moose. But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave Deer, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this Deer Park, under Farlef, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that Deer Park of the deer, by the deer, for the deer, shall not perish from the earth. Amen."

Grown men brought to tears at the great Shaman's speech. Women were so distraught they could not be consoled. Sam, Papi and I though swelled with great pride listening to this one of a kind speech from the elder Deer Shaman. A great pride in being a Deer Parkian and an even greater pride in being heterosexual apex predators of the Cervinae Animal Kingdom. It was that majestic moonlit night we decided to take a pilgrimage of 1,383 miles to the town of Moose Lake, Missouri, bypassing 18 construction zones to do what our forefathers had done for a millennia, FUCK WITH MOOSEKIND.

After 21 hours, 13 bathroom stops, 2 glory holes and pawn of a lifetime in North Dakota, we made it to Moose Lake. In our time in the car we thought up the most vile, fucked up things to do to this town.

First we found the first Moose we could and dragged it into their lake and poured liquid nitrogen on it freezing it in place.

Then we found another Moose in that same lake trying to swim away and we decided to surf him.

Once we put back on our clothes and dried each other off it was time to raze some hell in the name of Deer Park in their town.

Papi and Sam decided to fuck with the local economy by firebombing their local pawn shop and Post Office respectively. I decided to defile their prized moose statue in the middle of town.

I think it was some of my best work yet. Once we finished razing the town we decided to pollute their great lake, not realizing what we were doing would upset the peace treaty between our great families. To fuck with each others town was one thing but in the holy treaty it is stated "The Park and The Lake are off limits." Our ancestors were men of few words. Once we arrived back at the lake we unleashed our secret weapon. BEAVERS. Three thousand angry beavers. They ravaged the local fauna, cutting down every tree and making a giant dam ruining Moose Lake for years to come.

By Papi's best estimate, in 31 years, with their main water supply cut off from the river that feeds into Moosehead Lake, the town would wither and die. Papi was into the long con and it suited me and Sam just fine. Once we were finished we got the hell out of Moose Lake and returned to a simpler life.

"Little did we know that by cutting off the supply to Moosehead lake we awoke their shaman, a mighty beast by the name of Pete Silvia. He was the one who once awoken, to gather his strength created the APSAA to take down Papi, he rose through the ranks of the Post Office to become Postmaster General and made Sam never able to retire, made his routes longer and switched his mail order bride with a moose spy that poisoned him once they realized old age wouldn't kill him. And of course you know what they did to me. They brainwashed my young son during a wrestling match and turned him gay. They where behind all of it boys. Tonight was their final assault, they want to end this once and for all. So now I ask, are you with me, ready to take up arms against these Moose Mother Fuckers, defend our town and our rights to arm bears and drive these fucks back to their shitty lake or will you turn your back on your heritage, your history, your own livelihoods and sit their on your asses browsing Deer Parkr for some Antler. SO WHO IS WITH ME" Farlef's dad let out with a mighty roar, showing signs of a young Buck in heat once again.

Farlef and John were too busy watching the latest episode of My Hero Academia to notice what their dad was rambling about. When he was about to tell his story of what happened his eyes fogged over and he went comatose again so they turned on the tv.

"GOD DAMN CARTOON WATCHING FUCKBOIS, I JUST TOLD YOU THE STORIED HISTORY OF WHAT HAPPENED, WHY OUR HOME IS GONE, SAM OUR BELOVED MAILMAN IS DEAD AND PAPI HAS BEEN CAPTURED AND TORTURED FOR THESE PAST 7 YEARS AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS WATCH SOME FAIRY SHOW BOUT GOOKS WITH SUPERPOWERS?" All Farlef heard was Papi was still alive. He owed everything to that man and no new episode of his favorite hit anime My Hero Academia or Boku no Hero Academia ,for our Japanese readers out there, was going to stop him.

"Dad as usual I have no idea what is going on or what you just said but I am in" Farlef replied, steel determination in his eyes.

"I'm in too dad, I swore I would never raise a hand in violence again after my time in the Congo but this reckoning is a long time coming" John said.

"Get the fuck out" Sarah replied as she turned the tv volume louder.

"All boys, its us Evans men against the world. Just the way we like it"

As the three of them got into John's bitching Brubaker Box one thing was known for certain.

HOUSE EVANS WAS ON THE WARPATH.

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