#in the middle of a pandemic telling you that you're too lonely

[commandtower-solring-go]

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[twatkcox]

[Happiness Is A Choice, But Life Is A B***h...]

I suppose I should begin this post by sharing with you guys about how I feel at the moment.

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"How could anyone love Him? What did you just tell me yourself about the world? Don't you see, everybody hates God now. It's not that God is dead in the twentieth century. It's that everybody hates Him! At least I think so." ~Anne Rice

Whatever you read about me hating God and everything, you're reading it right. And I have my reasons. I'm sure some of you actually know how it feels when your prayers appear to have been ignored, right? Well, not exactly in my case since I don't usually pray to God, but I had the feeling that he may have done this (all the bad things that have happened to me) deliberately out of desperation, even though I never asked for such a thing. That would make me question his goodwill. After all, he is supposed to make a person's life better, not worse. Putting a person in numerous (difficult) trials without a way out is like trying to make a person commit suicide.

Going deeper into the misotheism, I don't think I'll ever settle things with God, even if he had better plans or intentions for me. Well, I don't mean to sound harsh, but putting me into this kind of misery doesn't make him holy. He is notorious for giving me (and some people) a whole lot of unwanted burdens in life, not to mention that he is putting me in a tight spot with no means to get out. See? All he does is make people suffer.

And so, my mind's already made up. I'll try my best not to make it sound blasphemous, but I'm going to say this once and for all: God is not my savior. He is the primary cause of my sadness, misery, and depression. He should've stayed dead for good. It's not like anyone would appreciate his help, anyway. He's f***ing useless. He deserves a middle finger for that. If ever I see God in person, then I'll make sure to say it straight to his face.

That's it. I ain't gonna settle things with God, even if I die through whatever means. I don't want my body to be blessed and I don't need a damn requiem mass. I am so done with this life, I want to go somewhere else.

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I guess I must've spoken too soon about how 2024 will be a great year. We're not even done with this f***ing water rabbit just yet, but I fear that the dragon might bring an even greater catastrophe than the ones we've experienced so far. Yeah, the worst things in my life happened in 2000, the year of the f***king dragon.

Just to tame my tongue a little, I don't think there is really such a thing as a lucky year, even if it happens to be the horse (I was born in 1990, which is the Year Of The Metal Horse).

I must be pretty unlucky being born into a dysfunctional family, no thanks to God. He must be enjoying himself seeing unfortunate people and unhappy families getting f***ed up really hard. So much for being a "God", huh?

Whatever. I hope that this year will turn out to be different from the previous "Year of the Dragons" that I've encountered so far. I just want to make sure that this year will be kind to me. Otherwise, I'll definitely going to kill myself. Now that I think about it, maybe I'll treat it as an ultimatum to God to prove that he isn't really useless after all. Maybe I'll get him to undo the damage he caused during the pandemic.

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Happiness is not just a choice, but a basic right. After all, would you rather stay lonely all the time even if you don't want to?

This world is pretty hopeless. My life is hopeless. I don't think I'll ever get to enjoy my life the same way ever again.

[ave-immaculata]

Hey, I want to preface this with that it's kind of long, that however it maybe reads it isn't frustration with you, your post about recovery and things being debiliating brought up some feelings

You're not obliged to read all this, and I see you as sympathetic so don't think any of the open ended questions are directed at you rather than... being said to an empty theatre

So I hope you have a good day, and if you're wise you'll skip everything after this as is your right to do

If you'll forgive an anon about that post you made, the truth is...

I mean... I try... I try to work on things in my life. I don't know if I try to recover, but I try not to stand still. I got myself my place, I got my mom's trailer cleaned out, I slowly work on cleaning up my place even though no one taught me how

...and it just feels like... do I have to fix myself too? I don't want to be here, I've wanted to kill myself for years, but I haven't so I know I can't stand still or I'll be stuck. Is that not enough for people? Must I fix myself too?

I've been quite literally so alone for my whole life. This pandemic, everyone else was really bothered by lockdown, but I didn't even notice because I was just living my life like it was any other day. That's what I mean when I say alone

So despite being alone, do I have to make myself happy too? Do I have to mend every bit of myself alone? Is it not enough that I slowly try and teach myself how to take care of thing when I was never taught how by anyone (as in I'm having to clean up after my mom, you think she taught me cleaning)?

Just... is help too much to ask for? And... yes... it is

I have more friends on here than I have in the past, but even here... I try hard to tell people that they're doing a good job, that I appreciate them and see their hard work and the quality of their character... I tell them the things I'm dying to hear. No one really thinks to say the same things back to me, maybe they're just not true about me, most likely it's just hard to be there for each other

I'm tired, and I'm tired of any time I let my gormless we'll figure it out attitude drop (which I only do here) and I'm honest about how I feel, everyone feels like so bothered by it I feel like I'm supposed to just patch myself back together

It feels like moving your arm and showing that your intestines are spilling out and having everyone just want you to fix it because it's uncomfortable to look at

I managed to push money around that despite not being able to get out of bed enough to get a job, I got my middle of nowhere house, the last affordable house in america and my perfect home... but that's not enough, I need to find a way to be happy alone

I haven't seen a friend face to face in probably over a decade, one of my friends on here who was talking about coming out and visiting just kind of suddenly changed their mind and has never told me why

As far as I can see it's impossible to love me and I will always be alone surrounded by people. It's just like high school, everyone genuinely likes me, but not enough to ever see my outside of school and now... not enough to see me ever

Based on my history, I'd say instead of killing myself like I want to and ought to, I'll make my little dream come true of running classes out of my basement and teaching people woodworking and whatever else I pick up, give them the chance to learn things I wish I'd had

Everyone will like me, I'll be totally alone. No one will ever love me, everyone will be glad I finally stapled my guys closed and even if things aren't back how they need to be at least no one's uncomfortable seeing it anymore

That's a good life, that's my honest and optimistic prediction. I think it's quite likely and I mostly like it. It's so lonely an embittering I wish I'd just quit putting things off and end it like I want to. It's exactly what I figured would happen when I was thinking as a teen, except I thought I wanted to go into medicine, so a change of scenery

I don't know what recovery is. I don't think I want it. I think if people want me to actually feel good and ever see any good in myself I'd like it if they tried, I'd like it if they told me the way I try to keep telling my friends cause I know I could say it 1000 times and it still probably can't internalize for them because of their own trauma

I don't think I want to recover, but years ago I realized I can't stand still, so I haven't, and as much as... I keep getting through everything I can figure out and going oh lord it's only the hardest tasks left, and yet again I'll drag myself kicking and screaming and get those tasks done too, and I'll do it alone like always and it's be mostly good

I'll forever be well liked and totally alone... and I'll work on functioning better alone, but I don't think I want to get better... is being happy in total isolation... is that actually getting better, or is it getting better act coping with a broken situation?

Anyway, you didn't deserve this. You don't have to figure out a response to this. I hope you took my advice and didn't read it. Tumblr shouldn't let asks be this long and I shouldn't send it but... well... I hope you can at least get why I did

I hope you have a good day, and I really am sorry about the way too many words that in the end just say nothing

There is nothing to apologize for.

I think you expected this of me, but I don't have a good answer. I do know, though, that ironic as it is, that feeling of complete isolation itself connects you, it just shouldn't be the only way forever, because you deserve more.

"I am one who has known affliction under the rod of God’s anger, One whom he has driven and forced to walk in darkness, not in light; Against me alone he turns his hand— again and again all day long. He has worn away my flesh and my skin, he has broken my bones; He has besieged me all around with poverty and hardship; He has left me to dwell in dark places like those long dead. He has hemmed me in with no escape, weighed me down with chains; Even when I cry for help, he stops my prayer; He has hemmed in my ways with fitted stones, and made my paths crooked. He has been a bear lying in wait for me, a lion in hiding! He turned me aside and tore me apart, leaving me ravaged. He bent his bow, and set me up as a target for his arrow. He pierced my kidneys with shafts from his quiver. I have become a laughingstock to all my people, their taunt all day long; He has sated me with bitterness, filled me with wormwood. He has made me eat gravel, trampled me into the dust; My life is deprived of peace, I have forgotten what happiness is; My enduring hope, I said, has perished before the Lord." Lamentations 3:1‭-‬18

This is Old Testament, this is despair that is so deeply familiar to some of us, older than the Incarnation. God had such reverence for this suffering that it's part of Sacred Scripture - and the chapter ends with hope somehow.

"But this I will call to mind; therefore I will hope: The Lord’s acts of mercy are not exhausted, his compassion is not spent; They are renewed each morning— great is your faithfulness! The Lord is my portion, I tell myself, therefore I will hope in him. The Lord is good to those who trust in him, to the one that seeks him; It is good to hope in silence for the Lord’s deliverance. It is good for a person, when young, to bear the yoke, To sit alone and in silence, when its weight lies heavy, To put one’s mouth in the dust— there may yet be hope— To offer one’s cheek to be struck, to be filled with disgrace. For the Lord does not reject forever; Though he brings grief, he takes pity, according to the abundance of his mercy; He does not willingly afflict or bring grief to human beings." (Lamentations 3:21‭-‬33)

Humans are very good at suffering, and we can become accustomed to it so much that we would rather stay in it forever than experience the pain of coming out. I know it's familiar, and I know that feeling, but you deserve more. You can be tired, you can be weary, but you deserve the fruits of recovery.

You will not mend yourself alone, you are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses. Let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us. I know this was about a post that made it beyond Catholic tumblr but this is all I know how to give. You've given me a good excuse to remember my Rosary today, thank you.

[anendoandfriendo]

A vent about terms and a vent about people and some not-quite word art

We're getting tired of people spreading misinformation about soulbonds real fucking fast, let us tell you that. As if we were sick of it before? Seriously?

It's largely focused on people who'd be considered "well-known fictional" in this universe, but that's not the only way to do SB or to be an SB. Is this truly the difference between factive and fictive? What hapoens when you are the soulbond instead? The initial communities were literally focused on what fandom would call "OCs" but even beyond that, the literal only definition is that you are multiversal at some point.

Gateway Headmate? You fuckin' mean a Day Tripper, the language was always there. Not that it didn't take effort to find it ourselves.

Walk-In? You mean Permanent Resident??? Again, the language was always there. Not that it didn't take effort to find it ourselves.

We aren't trying to be mean when we say this, and more terms is always good, but there are some terms that sound like...exactly the same to us. Everything is the same though, to be fair. Another day at Walmart. Another sameass day feeling like a fucking failure. Maybe it's just that we had the ability to actually look this stuff up and are used to checking obscure things out. We've never felt so in the shadows before. We are sick of shining, the ornament to the tree. Have you ever just wanted to disappear or not exist? Maybe it's something else. At this point we've chosen to accept that we don't understand and move on, but sometimes we just wonder if people just straight up never looked into it. We still lie to our body's mother about where we work. She'll never look into it, huh? We hear they don't like, teach you a lot of critical thinking skills or research skills in school anymore unless you're in an honors class what do you folks do these days? we think it's been almost a decade since weve been in high school and that's just...shitty, because this is how you end up with so much cannibalizing of the community we think.

And while we are definitely NOT old by any means we feel like we are in a very different plane than some of the folks who are just now discovering their systems. We havent seen our second cousin since she was three because of our shitty ex-partner-system, and shes in like fifth grade now. She has only ever heard of us, we want to explain ourselves so bad. And if we're protogenic...is she gonna be okay? We figured it out smack dab in the middle of when plurality was Very Niche and when it was Starting To Become Visible. We figured it out maybe...2018? We think? We still get people in our system, crying they want to go home lol. That'd be our second year in uni. And so we can't relate to Ye Olde Systemes like The Crisses to Astrea as much but we also can't see ourselves relating to AimKid and her system, or literally anyone later than 2020 — and that's not even mentioning that 2020 was the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, therefore making us feel pushed even further away from that direction. We are chronically lonely.

Like. We don't know. It could just be that we feel fucky-wucky. Our system name is very visible outside of Tumblr. Hah! Imagine that: were seen yet again, overtaken by our own brigthness. Again. We actually wouldn't be surprised if some folks initially followed us because of that.

Please allow us to feel bitter for just a few seconds before we put this plaster back on.

Please allow just a few seconds for us to cry.

It's not like we don't like to help, we just feel like...

Why does anyone trust what we say?

...folks take what we say out of context. Maybe it's how we use words compared to some folks. Or that we use larger ones.

People really just think we're "smart" huh?

They could do this too if they tried. Not really. Yes they could. No they couldn't. Back and forth all over again, debating weather to keep hoping.

We have no choice but to have a larger well of hope than other people, why don't folks get that?

It is not in human nature to detract; it is in their nature to want more. Small difference.

To The Eras: it is, indeed, possible to care about human beings and not their social norms. Shut the fuck up about how we're black-and-white. We were much more grey than you ever were, you just mistook a strong opinion for a naive one.

We have understood everything up to this point.

Allow us a moment to beat the shit outta something, or someone. We never got our justice.

Or allow us to be bitter and cry before we put this plaster back on. Because that definitely helps.

So why is it. That people can't shut the fuck up? Why can't we seem to chase them away, back to the shadows they came from?

Hi. We're people lol.

[scarfacemarston]

yeah. I was in your server and it's dead too. I don't know why you keep inviting people to the server. It's beating a dead horse.

LONG POST: I wondered when I get one of these. Sometimes servers do die out. It happens and there is sometimes nothing you can do about it. I'm not sure how much of a troll post this is or isn't. However, I have had people mention that they missed places to Rp which is why I have been trying again. We're also in the middle of the pandemic where most people in general are depressed/dealing with a lot of IRL stuff and don't have the energy to be more than lurkers. Health and IRL stuff always comes first. I am in at least 7 red dead redemption servers and let me tell you, they are all either slow or dead. So while it comes across that you're insulting the server I once helped run, I have tried my best and I know the current admin and mod team have tried their best.  Many other servers are in the same boat. Additionally, people talk about how it's dead, but there are attempts. People don't respond to either A. people who are staring conversations whether it's a get to know you thing, normal every day talk or red dead talk. B. Prompts /activities to get to know your characters or the characters you want to roleplay as, questions of the day, short mini rp threads, etc... C. Offers of movies/games streaming and voice chat. I've seen multiple people try to set up conversations with me being one of them. You can't force people to talk. It's disappointing, but you can't. However anon, if you're still in the server, you could also try starting conversations or responding when you see them. If you're not, well then why leave an anon like this anyway? But again, I'm in servers over a 100 who are slow to mid sized servers that are completely dead to smaller once popular servers that may as well be dead. That's just how it is in this fandom for whatever reason. It's also what I have heard from my friends who are in different servers. Active for a while, then slow or they die completely. Important addition: Some red dead servres get created, have a boom and then die. It reminds me of boom towns during the gold rush. More importantly, with the level of literally unhinged people I know or know of, it’s very hard to avoid those people and it’s akward to be there with that person - or hell, even triggering for me sometimes. That, and if it gets bad enough, it’s difficult andembarassing to go to admins and mods and “Oh they harassed me horribly” type of thing, regardless of what happened. For me, I literally avoid people who had tried to attack me in real life. I know multiple other peole on tumblr who will never join a server on discord because they have either been horribly tormented on tumblr and don’t want to experieince it on discord, or have heard how terrible it is on a lot of servers and want to avoid it. This is what I was referring to when I was talking about how to make friends. If I could fix the rp servers, I would immediately. If there were more laid back servers of friendly people, I would do it because everyone is lonely right now. But I really think this anon is a little rude. 

[aaaaabbylieve]

27th

Hello! Good morning!

A day after my 27th birthday I woke up the usual. I made coffee and toast with choco and yema spread. I sat down in front of my computer to check who else greeted me on my birthday yesterday.

Familiar names showed up. Old acquaintances also greeted me. My high school classmates also did their greetings. My friends who I consider the closest in my heart sent a cake. The friends of my brothers also greeted me. My family celebrated my life. Iba talaga dulot ng birthdays ano? Well for me, at least. Suddenly, you have the spotlight towards you. A day wherein people say kind words to you and what they mean to you as a friend or as a person so I look forward to the messages I receive during my birthday because it's like an evaluation of what I did well in the lives of the people around me. Thank you for all the messages!

I was also thinking about the lessons I learned in the past year, but I would need more time for that. Para kasing ang dami ng nangyari kahit nasa loob ka lang ng bahay. (a.k.a. writing this in the middle of a pandemic).

At work, I was busy learning the following:

The value of consistency - consistent in a way that benefits the company, client, and I but there were times na nakakapagod talaga emotionally and mentally pero nakapag-adjust na. Well, ganun naman talaga ang work hahahaha paka-professional na lang tayo.

The value of competitiveness - feeling ko kasi di ako competitive as a person but since our work performance is determined by numbers, I had to step up my game. And thankfully, I got the desired results and still working on it.

In my personal life, I was busy learning the following:

The value of creating and sticking with good habits. It's so easy to fall into bad habits and not noticing how it affects you, your health, your productivity, and your performance. Take note: I am still learning it.

The value of self-discovery - I discovered that I am most happy and feel better when I get to create or reinforce deep connections (face to face or online) with people I am closest to. I discovered that I, myself, am my worst enemy and my greatest critic. I also discovered that I was allowed to enjoy my life however it looks like - a life that other people might not understand as long as it made sense to me. Just to give you context, for the longest time, I feel guilty kasi pag nageenjoy ako pero hindi pala dapat ganun. Ako mismo ang nag-invalidate sa sarili ko so now, I am giving myself permission to enjoy my life... responsibly.

The value of acknowledging myself - That I may not be the best among the rest but I am capable. That regardless of how many pimples or dark spots I have or what number I see on the weighing scale, I am beautiful. People might not always tell me or show me how they feel or the expression of their love might not be the way I expected it but I am loved. That no matter how many times I failed or how badly people treated me, I am still worthy. Na deserve ko bumili sa Shopee, kahit wala naman akong masyadong ginawa HAHAHA

In my relationships, I was busy learning:

The value of being there for people (especially during this time of pandemic) - I read a quote a long time ago, "being there is the ultimate expression of love." It grew upon me that this has become my principle when dealing with people. That it is important that your presence in their life is felt. This can be perceived as negative but I do have people na nagcchat lang pag may kelangan. Papa-check/ papagawa ng ganito or manghihiram or magbebenta ng ganyan but I don't take it against them. I just perceive it that they see me as someone they can rely on. And I can always impose boundaries by denying access or saying no if deemed necessary.

The value of allowing yourself to receive love from other people. Giving love is as important as receiving it. I observed that by allowing yourself to receive love from other people. You give them the opportunity to be the giver and an opportunity to feel good about themselves just like how you felt when giving love. :)

The value of vulnerability - to be honest, this was the hardest for me to learn. I am the type of person who doesn't want to burden other people with my problems and I only open up with people I trust. I keep things private because, in privacy, I have control. But as I mature, I gained perspective. I am still the same person but I have lowered down walls and opened up the door ng konti. Let people see that I, too, get tired, irritated, kilig, lonely, anxious, happy, relate and rely with each other.

In my life, in general, I was busy learning:

The value of wisdom - this is knowledge and right application combined. Wisdom grants you discernment and critical thinking. Wisdom is the balance between rationality and emotionality. It saves you from a lot of headaches in the future.

The value of your faith - this defines you in the lowest and in the highest points of your life. Your faith serves as an anchor that keeps you in place when storms and waves are coming after you. Your faith serves as a compass that guides you when you need direction in the map called life. Your faith is like a seed that when planted in a good ground (foundation) gives you a good harvest. Everything can be found when you read the Word of God and life's greater when you know that you are under God's grace and mercy.

That age is really just a number! And I don't have everything figured out. You define what you will be and what you won't be in your life. Some things may take time but they will happen.

Here's to more adulting!

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me another year to live this life. I hope you reveal more of yourself to me as I seek you wholeheartedly!

Cheers to enjoying life responsibly! I pray that good love will find me.

Happy 27th, self! You're awesome!