#in the loft :') it's their home and they fill it with so much joy!! and they love sharing this joy with everybody else that visits them

[lonestardust]

hey it's me and the lone star soundtrack against the world

S4E09 : 126 preparing for Marjan's welcoming party.

[liminalmemories21]

Lim! It’s me! I request 8 please 🥺

So, umm, I got a little carried away?

There'd been a shelf of cookbooks in the condo, before it burned down.  Cookbooks that Carlos had bought when he was in college and experimenting with learning how to make Indian food and Thai food and pasta from scratch, books he'd bought at school fundraisers and church Christmas markets, books he'd been given as housewarming presents when he moved into the condo.  

When he moved into the loft he realized that Carlos had never replaced them, and even though Carlos hadn't left a space for them in the kitchen, he felt like he could see it anyway, where they would have sat.

He goes on a quest after that.  Some of them are easy to replace from alibris or bookfinder: the 1964 edition of the Joy of Cooking - because apparently the new edition had fucked around with all the recipes, Carlos's words, not his, and he'd stared at Carlos shocked when he'd said it because Carlos doesn't swear all that often unless he's in bed; a soup cookbook from some celebrity chef from the 90s that he's seen Carlos make exactly two recipes out of; a copy of the Silver Palate cookbook that someone at work had given him at a holiday gift exchange.

The church cookbooks and Junior League cookbooks are harder to find, and he takes to scouring second hand bookstores and antique stores and thrift shops on his days off when Carlos is at work.  Sometimes he drags Nancy or Marjan or Paul with him.  

"Why are we doing this?" Nancy grouses once.  "I've never seen Carlos use a recipe for anything."

"That's not the point," he snaps, and Nancy backs off with sympathetic eyes.

And, it isn't.  The point is that this is something Carlos had lost that he could maybe give back.  He's never going to be able to replace the pie bird that Carlos bought at the farmer's market when he was 12, or the old wooden rolling pin that had been his abuela's, worn smooth with time and use, or the butter molds his cousin Anna had brought him back from a trip to France.  But this, is something he can do.

It takes longer than he expects, and he ends up with more books than had been in Carlos's collection originally.  But he hadn't been able to resist them, the ones with cheery titles like "Nightingales in the Kitchen" and "Charlottesville: Cooking for Compliments", or the ones filled with someone else's handwritten edits that say things like 'never make this again' or 'add orange juice' or 'your husband will thank you'.

He meant to wait for Carlos's birthday, but he gets impatient, and packs them all in a banker's box and sticks a huge red bow on it, and makes brisket for dinner.  Carlos sniffs appreciatively when he comes home, and doesn't even notice the box on the table until he's coming back from hanging up his coat.

Carlos looks at him, clearly trying to remember if he's forgotten something, and he shakes his head.  "No reason, baby, just because."

"It's not a lizard is it?"

He snorts.  "I wouldn't do that to you, I promise.  You'll like this."

Carlos lifts the books out slowly, turning them over in his hand, stacking them up on the table.  He finally looks at TK.  'I had these at the condo."  He nods. "You bought them for me?"  He nods again, worrying his lip a little, suddenly nervous.  "Why?"

"You kept them, they meant something to you, they had memories for you.  I hate that you lost everything."  He waves a hand when Carlos starts to deny it, or point out that TK did too.  "I know, I was there too, I lost things too.  But, I'd only just moved in, I still had stuff at Dad's.  That was a home you built, and you lost it, and we don't talk about it."  He shifts on his feet, fidgeting with the couch cushion.  "We don't have to talk about it now, just, I wanted you to have something back."  He gestures around the loft. "You give me so much.  You deserve to have everything too."

Carlos kneels up on the couch, wrapping arms around him, kissing him breathless.  He smiles into the kiss.  "You like them then?"

"I love them."  Carlos kisses him again.  "I love you."  And then he pulls back to look speculatively at the kitchen.  "We'll have to rearrange some of the cups to make space for them."

[winterdeepelegy]

The Grumpus

Glace hadn't been looking for an excuse to visit Ciel, or that's what he told himself, but he arrived at her door nonetheless and was invited in for coffee. Something about her home matched the atmosphere outside. Although it was cozy, her parlor fairly shimmered with Starlight Celebration finery. A large tree, as well, stood decked out in shiny bits and bobs, and strands of gleaming silver. Surrounding its base was a pile of plush dolls and toys nearly as wide as it was deep.

"You're just in time," chirped the songstress upon returning with said coffee, cups, and adornments therefore.

She too dressed for the festivities in a mint green dress trimmed with fur, stockings adorned with snowflakes, and a red silk ribbon in her hair which bore golden charms at the end.

It would be a lie to say he didn't find the look at all adorable but this was a thought to which he would never lend voice. "In time for what? And what's with all the toys? I never would have assumed you the sort to collect dolls." Ciel filled his cup and presented it with her explanation. "Oh, they're not for me. I do collect them every winter, but they're for children in orphanages and less fortunate situations. I could use some help delivering them." He clasped his hands around the cup of coffee and lifted it to inhale the rich aroma. Neither coffee nor cream would find their way into it. It had to remain pure... bitter and dark like his heart.

"You know, I've never paid Starlight much mind," he said. "Never really had time or interest to get into it, and it wasn't so much a thing in Garlemald. Most of the holidays revolved around the Emperor's nameday,  or the date of a historic conquest..." "But there's nothing to stop you, hm? Do you know aught of the holiday's history?" He took a slow sip of his drink while considering the possibility, lowered it a few ilms and looked in her direction. "No, now that you mention it. I mean, I know the history, I had to learn it for immersion... but you're right, there's nothing to stop me now and I like kids well enough. I'm just... not the jolly type."

"But do it for them!" Ciel dropped a sugar cube and a dribble of cream into her cup, followed by a stream of coffee. "And the more the merrier, as they say. They'd love you for it." He turned his eyes downward to stare into his cup. "Gods, I've done enough pretending for a lifetime. You want me to pretend more?"

She feigned a pout, "I'm not asking you to pretend to be joyful, I'm just asking you to help bring joy to people who need it. Did they truly have nothing like this in Garlemald?" "Well... not while I was there. Something like it but not like it, a very long time ago, before it ever became the Empire." "Oh?" "They had a Grumpus." He said this much and lapsed into silence, again taking from his cup while Ciel waited moments for more details. "Well, out with it, Glace. You can't just drop something like that and not tell me what a 'Grumpus' is," the woman prodded. He grumbled in response, "I'm thinking... Like I said it's old history, fell out of favor after the military evolution began." Another brief pause for consideration, but he did piece together an explanation.

"I don't know how much you know about Reapers and their origin... the Grumpus comes from that. Supposedly, anyroad, it was the result of a farmer who was tired of his sons not helping around the farmstead... so to instill some fear and respect into them, he made a pact with a Voidsent and let it take over his body temporarily. When that happened, he sprouted aldgoat-like horns, his feet turned to hooves, his hands turned into claws..." Ciel lofted an eyebrow, "Well that hardly sounds joyful..."

He continued, "But it worked. The Grumpus, as it was called, threatened to drag them off into the snows and feed them to the Almastys if they didn't stop shirking their chores. And for every instance of disobedience, it would steal something they enjoyed - including the love of family. They never disrespected their father again after that, and the family was happier for it." She stared. Perhaps she had missed the part where there might have been anything truly joyful beyond terrified obedience. "Alright then..." She slowly sipped her coffee but inquired no further, figuring it better to leave the tale alone.

"Now what of your siblings? Do you think some of them might wish to help, too? It might be good to have them meet people this way."

Something in the Duskwight's expression brightened at that. He could think of several who might have loved the idea. "You're right, Plum. Let me finish this cup and I'll see how quickly I can gather them."

[spartanguard]

first/last lines

the lovely @wistfulcynic tagged me to share the first and last lines of my last ten fics, and @snowbellewells and @searchingwardrobes had tagged me last week (oops) to post the final lines, so we’re condensing this into one. thanks for the tags, friends!!

green with envy

first : Emma was wired with nervous energy as she and her dad shuffled into the loft.

last : Though if she took a few extra kisses from her pirate for moral support…that was her business.

most wanted

first : The village of Storybrooke lived up to its quaint name: It wasn’t much to write home about, but seemed cozy enough.

last : “As you wish.”

life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

first : Leaves and pine needles crunched under foot as Emma strode through the woods.

last : When Killian wrapped her in his arms after arriving ashore from another voyage, she couldn't help but think that all was as it should be—nor could she wait to see what joys her future continued to hold.

it’s getting hard to be someone

first : It wasn’t the largest protest by any means—no march on Washington, no sit-in, nothing particularly uproarious—but it still wasn’t small; this was New York, after all.

last : He held her close to his chest as he and Emma continued to watch the news—and continued with the life they were creating together.

even death won’t part us now

first : There's a lot of romanticizing when it comes to vampires. The eternal youth, the perfect looks and body, the heightened senses—all are excellent perks.

last : And they (after) lived happily ever after.

lakeside lovin

first : Emma sat on the edge of the dock, dipping her toes into the icy water.

last : How could she, when she had the most perfect man, in the most perfect spot—and he was wearing another perfect pair of sweats?

partners

first : She met him while he was trying to arrest a perp who’d just walked.

last : Good thing she got to go home to Killian—and Alice—every night.

a pair of barflies

first : Ian Jones didn’t bother to lock the door of his office as he left it. If anyone really wanted to mess with the harbormaster’s files and ancient PC, they were welcome to it.

last : Yet another thing he could hold over the Crocodile’s head, he supposed: he knew how to make Belle come.

true love is like a beard: it grows

first : January in Maine was cold. Bitingly so. And David knew it better than anyone, working for the humane society—specifically, being the person that takes calls about animals running wild in the great outdoors.

last : David didn’t keep the beard in the warmer months, but each year when the chill returned to the air, he let it fill in—and Killian let him know just how attractive he found it, even when the white hairs had fully taken over. (But it was okay, because Killian’s was similarly colored by then.)

the monsters turned out to be just trees

first : Weary and disheartened, the small band of maidens shuffled back to the camp they’d been staying in the past few weeks—the lone gathering of civilization in what was left of this once-enchanted forest.

last : And, as it turned out, they really did make quite the team—both within the game and in life.

tagging @optomisticgirl @cocohook38 @ohmightydevviepuu @kmomof4 @myfearless-love and whoever else wants to do this!

[seohsaa]

Kid’s Bedroom Ideas: How to decorate a kid’s bedroom

The kids’ bedroom is one of the fun-loving bedrooms of the house, and it cannot be the same as the rest of the rooms. Designing a kid’s bedroom is full of joy and love, which gives the room an aesthetically special and functional appearance. HSAA~ the home interior design company in Delhi, offers modern kid’s room design ideas according to the needs and preferences. We help you to stand out with the latest designs and trends. Each design sparks joy and entertainment with exclusive collections of wallpapers and themes.

How do you design a perfect kid’s bedroom?

The perfect kid’s bedroom can be decorated with colors, jungle themes, and other aesthetic creations. From playful themes and magical characters to inspiring maps and sculptures, our unique collection gives the kid’s bedroom an attractive and elegant look. Here are some ideas to help you design a joyful kids’ bedroom.

Color Scheme—You can pick the theme according to your child’s interests, such as animals, space, princesses, superheroes, or any favorite color. You can also use vibrant and neutral colors, which have a calming and cooling effect.

Customized furniture—Use furniture that serves multipurpose purposes, such as a bed with storage drawers that double as a craft table or storage bench, and much more. Make use of loft beds, which maximize the space and provide additional space for a desk and play area. HSAA~home interior design company in Delhi offers premium kid’s room furniture at an affordable range. 

Superior storage—Add built-in storage like cubbies, cabinets, and shelves for the perfect kid’s bedroom to store books, toys, clothes, and more. Use the space under the bed for carts, rolling carts, bedsheets, etc. Fix wall-mounted shelves to display decorative items, books, toys, and more.

Decor and Designs—Use wall art, decals, and customizable wallpaper to add personality and theme to the kid’s bedroom design. Include customizable items like custom bedding, name plaques, or crafts that reflect the child’s interests and personality.

Safety and Comfort—For an elegant room design, Choose cozy and comfortable bedding for kids that matches the room’s theme. Make sure every piece of furniture is safe and sturdy for kids, and use protectors for sharp edges and anchor heavy furniture to the wall.

Lighting— Make use of layered lighting in the kid’s bedrooms to create a peaceful and calming atmosphere. Pick up playful and fun lighting fixtures that match the kid’s bedroom.

Things to know before designing a kid’s bedroom

How old the child is—This is a crucial one. Before you plan to design a space style, you must know the practical concepts, such as where all the toys and the napkins go. Is there room for desks, and where will the toys and clothes go? And so much more.

What can the room be used for? It’s all about how the kid’s bedroom can be used. You need to create a balance of creativity and fun during the day. The allocated space can be utilized for more than sleeping. It could be used for playing, studying, reading, and other entertainment.

Will the room grow with kids? It’s not about filling the room with toys but creating age-specific elements such as swings, climbing walls, and more. It’s such a great and fun illusion to capture the perfect shots when your child grows from a different phase.

What does the room look like? It is so important how you choose the color schemes. Bright, bold, pastel, and neutral colors can bring attractiveness, relaxation, and peace to the room. Wall decor is perfect for children’s bedrooms to give a versatile look. HSAA, a bedroom interior designer in Delhi, offers aesthetic rooms for kids with our superior collection.

How do you design the kid’s bedroom?

Planning and executing the design of the kid’s bedroom is not easy, but we made it perfect! HSAA, a home interior design company in Delhi, has an expert design team that provides a step-by-step guide to planning the ideal kid’s bedroom.

Planning of space—Planning of kid’s bedrooms is crucial yet fun-loving. The design is much more than just sleeping. It can include playing, studying, reading, and other entertainment. Other than that, for the younger, it can be quite different. It includes a dress-up wardrobe, large puzzles, action figures, and more. This will promote social and emotional skills, which will allow them to explore different roles and engage in playing.

Areas of activity— You can create different areas of activity that give a unique quality time to spend in drawing, studying, and playing. The kid’s bedroom includes a desk lamp, computer, comfortable armchair, and much more. It’s important to create a cozy and quiet space for children of all ages where they can relax, calm, and eventually grow at a good time.

Pick stylish and functional storage. When choosing storage for a kid’s bedroom, it’s important to maintain a balance between functionality and storage. However, you won’t need a large number of storage spaces in an adult’s room. Remember, your child’s age and clothes tend to grow as they grow.

If you plan to design a wardrobe for kids, the shelves and hanging space are the keys your child can easily access. The shelving and cabinets help the kids display their dolls, teddies, and puzzles. They also encourage the kids to clean up their own toys and take responsibility for keeping their room organized.

Customized Beds—Growing children need good support and sleep, so it’s crucial to invest in high-quality beds and mattresses. If you are looking for a kids’ bedroom,  invest in full-size bed is better than a smaller bed. Remember, children of all ages love to bounce on their beds, so make sure to buy plush enough.

When it comes to choosing the style of bed, there are various options available, such as bunk beds, loft beds, theme beds, trundle beds, Murphy beds, novelty beds, and convertible beds. HSAA, a home interior design company in Delhi, provides various kinds and styles of beds for kids’ bedrooms at a minimal range.

Window dressing—Window dressing in a kid’s bedroom is the best way to make the room aesthetic and functional. You can add patterned curtains, theme curtains, and sheer curtains, which are loved by growing kids the most. You can also enhance it with pleated shades, roller blinds, and more. The kids love decor and plantation elements, so you can add artificial plants or decor items like stickers.

FAQs

Question 1- What are some popular themes for a kid’s bedroom?

Answer– some of the popular themes include:

Nature includes jungle, safari, or forest themes.

Fantasy includes fairy tales and dragons.

Space includes planets, stars, and astronauts.

Underwater includes fish, stars, and more.

Sports include basketball, baseball, soccer, and more.

Question 2- How can I make a kid’s bedroom look bigger?

Answer – The following you can consider:

Use neutral colors for walls and furniture.

Keep decor simple and unique.

Use storage systems like shelves and wall-mounted units.

Question 3 – What are the safe decorating tips for a kid’s bedroom?

Answer – The tips are:

Use non-toxic paint and materials.

Make use of cordless binds and curtains.

Choose soft, round-edge furniture and decor.

Avoid very small decor items that could be risky to kids.

Question 4 – what are the budget-friendly kid’s bedroom ideas?

Answer – some of the ideas:

Recycle and repurpose items like old furniture cabins and more.

Shop kid’s decor from the local thrift stores, online marketplaces, etc.

Use simple and cheap materials such as paper, ring lights, and more.

Use of decor like handmade cushions, handmade wall art, and others.

Question 5- How can I create a cozy atmosphere for the kid’s bedroom?

Answer – some of the ideas are:

Use soft cushions, blankets, and rugs.

Add curtains or shades for better sleep.

Pick warm lightings such as fairy lights and soft glow.

HSAA~ a home interior design company in Delhi offers top-notch decor and other items at an affordable range. You can easily transform the taste and personality of the kid’s bedroom without spending too much on the high products or items.

Conclusion

The perfect kids don’t exist but create.  HSAA~ a home interior design company in Delhi offers you comfortable, functional, and creative kid’s bedrooms. We keep in mind all your evolving needs and preferences by balancing the aesthetics and other considerations. Some of the considerations like safety, storage, and adaptability. Other than that, choose a good and classy theme. Whether you are designing an action theme or pink Barbie for your toddler, we make the space feel classy and special. With HSAA and their design, you can create a welcoming and inspiring environment.

[givemethatgold]

Fix’er Upper - Part 13

Pairing: Frankie Morales x Fem! Reader Warnings: Talk of parent death Length: 2.1k words Notes: Okay bitches here we go. I’ve got 3 kids doing online schooling, a desk chair that just broke while I was halfway through typing this out, a raging headache, and couldn’t be fucked to edit. I love you al, thank you for sticking with me and this little brain baby of mine. My guidance counselor from high school can suck my dick, “You’re not a creative writer, Cher, you should considering taking Home Ec as an elective instead” I digress....

Series Masterlist

"No." You glared at him and squeezed his hand harder, "You're doing that thing again.

Frankie's head whipped over to stare at you, shocked by your assertive tone.

"You're pulling away. You're stressed, out of your depth, don't know how to deal with it and so you're pulling away again-"

"You don't understand," Frankie interrupted you, shaking his head and trying to pull his hands out of your grasp. This only served to strengthen your resolve, and your grip on him.

"No." You declare again, trying to stay calm and have a mature conversation despite the tension and running emotions. "You told me to give you time to get your thoughts straight and vocalized. I can't do that if I'm not here to hear them. I can't understand your predicament if I leave. So," You moved so you're sitting cross-legged in front of him, making eye contact in an effort to show him he had your full attention. "Why don't you tell me what that phone call was about so we can start figuring it out, together."

The situation was more complex than you ever could have imagined. Frankie's ex-wife, Karla, had died. Her car had been hit by a drunk driver. Annie, thank the gods, hadn't been in the car at the time. Before she'd died at the hospital, Karla had managed to say a few words to the paramedics. At the time they didn't make sense, however, the paramedic had taken the time to write the words down and included the scrap of paper with the patient's chart. This evidence, as it turned out, had been monumental during the resulting legal battle for Annie, all of which took place without Frankie even being notified.

Child services, lawyers, extended family, and even doctors had been involved in the court proceedings. All arguing over the future of the six-year-old girl. All believing that they knew what was best for her, most believing that she should live with them, some having the gall to pretend that they weren't aware of the sizable life insurance payout she was about to receive.

Eight words. Eight simple, beautiful words whispered through the broken, bloody lips of a woman who knew she was about to die. A young girl's future was being held in suspense, and as fate would have it, a wise and sentimental judge was overseeing her case. Eight words were all it took to convince him that Annie's mother knew what was best for her own child.

"Francisco Morales. Trust with her, he's ready now."

From the time Frankie had received the phone call from Karla's family lawyer, the two of you had two days to prepare for Annie's arrival. Frankie worked his magic and erected a wall across the bedroom portion of his loft, allowing for the little girl to have some privacy but not feel like she was being closed in. 

He had fretted for a least twenty five minutes over colour swatches at Hank’s Hardware before coming to the conclusion that he should leave it white and have Annie chose her room colours once she had settled in. He bought himself a new couch, as well, that would convert into a bed and serve as his bedroom for the time being.

The conversation you never had a chance to have with him was still in the back of your mind, but you understood that moving in together as a couple was hard enough. Moving in together with a kid neither of you knew, whose life had just been turned upside down against her will, would be catastrophic. Instead, you focused on being as much of a rock for Frankie as you could.

You made a trip to the city and bought girls bedding, some stuffed animals, and a few little decorations to help Annie feel like the new space was special for her. You also thought to pick up comfort food that a kid might crave, knowing that when you were six the best way to your heart was chocolate. Just before you left the city, a sign caught your attention and had you swerving to change lanes, normally you'd feel slightly bad about your obnoxious driving but today you just waved your middle finger at the rear window in a mock salute.

The flower shop had so many bouquets and you had no idea what kind of flowers the little girl might like. You also had the morbid realization that bouquets might remind her of all the flowers she surely saw at Karla's funeral. Just as you began to second guess yourself, a stand near the back caught your eye and made you smile.

The day of her arrival came quicker than you felt prepared for, never mind how Frankie must be feeling. He hadn't had too much time to worry about how having his daughter would change his life, but once the two of you were standing in his driveway doing nothing but waiting, the nerves had finally settled in. You could see deep, calming breaths he was taking as they condensed into little clouds in the freezing air.

Grabbing his clenched fist, you felt his fingers relax enough to allow your gloved ones to slide through them.

"It's going to be weird for everyone, she's probably nervous too." You weren't sure if the words were reassuring or not but nervous talking seemed to be your forte so you ran with it. "I mean, she's probably sad that she's leaving everything and everyone she's always known, excited about moving to a new place, then feeling bad that she's feeling another emotion besides grief. It can be hard to juggle loss and hope. Just show her how much you love her and be honest about why you couldn't be with her before. Kids are smart and are aware of way more than adults give them credit for."

A few moments later a black sedan slowly crept up the driveway. You wanted to stay, to meet the little girl but had the feeling that Annie and Frankie were going to need time to figure out their relationship without another person in the mix. Suddenly having a new parent was going to be hard enough on the little girl, you were afraid that she might see you as trying to replace her mom and push you away.

Rubbing Frankie's back for one last show of reassurance, you kissed his shoulder then took a few steps back. You figured this was the best way to be there to support him but also staying in the background for the time being. Before the car could fully come to a stop, the rear door was flying open and, in a blur of movement, a little body was flying out of it towards Frankie. You know how people will say that there are times in their lives where important moments fly by so fast they barely have time to enjoy them? Well, this wasn't one of them.

As Annie barreled her way towards Frankie, you saw in slow motion how his handsome face went from being creased with worry, to eyebrow raised shock, to breaking out in a teary smile. He had just begun to crouch down and open his arms in anticipation of holding his little girl when instead she ran right past him and locked herself in one of the sheds.

Time continued to move in slow motion, making it all the more heartbreaking watching your boyfriend's face crumple, the tears of joy turn to tears of pain as he recovered from his initial excitement and realized that his child didn't want to see him.

Tiny, muffled sobs broke the moment and brought time, and the horrible situation, back into focus. The Child Protective Services worker who had accompanied Annie from California was calling apologies to Frankie while running after the little girl, trying not to slip in the snow in her hurry.

You wanted to go to him, to lend him some form of comfort, but you were also aware that some types of grief don't appreciate witnesses. Deciding to stick around and be helpful in the background, you made your way into the loft and started making coffee and sandwiches, foreseeing a longer stay for the caseworker than initially thought.

Nearly forty minutes had passed before you emerged again with food and drinks on a tray and the two adults were still talking to Annie through the cracks in the door. She had stubbornly refused to come out, demanding that she be returned to her home at once and that she hated snow.

Once you had set down the tray and cleared the snow off a picnic table, Frankie thanked you with a kiss to your temple and introduced you to Sharon after he convinced her to take a break from the negotiations. Sharon, who had been with Annie since the day of the accident, began filling Frankie in on what had happened to his daughter in the past month between sips of coffee. He was given a folder with notes from child psychologists, doctors, a letter from her maternal grandparents, and a journal Sharon had kept that described the ways Annie had been processing her grief.

While they talked, you decided to walk over and sit next to the door of the shed, laying a wool blanket down to protect your butt from the cold. You had no idea what to say to the girl but you figured she might like to be reassured she wasn't alone. Settling down, you dug into your own sandwich and hummed quietly to yourself.

You nearly choked on your next bite when you heard a soft voice singing along with the tune you'd chosen.

"Lavender blue, dilly dilly. Rosemary Green, if you are king dilly dilly, I'll be your queen."

After you'd repeated the song twice more, you stopped the tune and said softly,

"I've never heard those lyrics before, they're different from how I learned them."

A long pause followed, making you worry that you'd offended the child back into silence.

"How do you sing it?" Came the sweetest little voice, made all the more adorable with the barest hint of a lisp.

"We always sang, 'Lavender green', for one. Which never made any sense to me so I really like how you did it-"

"Yeah, cause lavender is another name for purple," she interrupted you with a matter-of-fact tone, "saying it's green is just weird!"

"Hmmm, it might be different," you conceded, seeing the opportunity for a lesson. "But either way you sing it, it's still a really pretty song, isn't it? Things can be different but it doesn't mean one is only good and one is only bad. Each version just had different good things."

Annie went silent again but this time you didn't worry about it, you knew she was thinking about what you said and needed time to apply it to what was happening right now. You eventually heard the shifting of metal and the creak of wood and had to will yourself to sit still and calm. The way you had let her approach you had worked so far, jumping up out of excitement could possibly erase all the progress you'd made so far.

Your patience was rewarded when Annie stepped out of the shed and lowered herself so that she was sitting on the blanket right next to you. Turning your head just enough to see her in your peripheral, you noticed how dull her eyes looked. Her hair was a mess and her skin looked pale for a kid who had been living under California's sun.

"My mommy is dead."

The way it was stated as a fact, with very little emotion, broke your heart. She was so little, so young, and so unable to fully grasp what kind of future had been ripped away from her.

"I know, I'm sorry that that happened to your mom."

"That man is my daddy." She was pointing at Frankie now, who was still engrossed in his conversation with Sharon.

"He's a pretty lucky guy to have you."

"That's the lady who has been taking care of me, she's been nice."

You were a bit out of your comfort zone with the conversation but there was no way in hell you were going drop it so you cautiously trudged on. Maybe verbalizing relationships and titles was helping her process?

"I'm very happy to hear that you've been staying with someone nice. Your dad is a really nice person, too, ya know? You should see the nice bedroom he's set up for you! I even helped him bake you an apple pie. Do you like apples? Or pie?" Her eyes went wide and a spark of happiness suddenly lit her face, making her appear more childlike than before.

"Is this an apple farm?" She practically squealed. “Like in My Little Pony?!”

Her outburst had finally drawn the attention of the other two adults, who were now only realizing that Annie had exited the shed. Frankie's heart skipped a beat at the sight of his two girls, beaming at each other. The twinge of jealousy from knowing that it had been you to draw her out was quickly squashed by how proud of you he was. He had been a little worried, although he hadn't voiced it, that his kid wouldn't take kindly to having a woman around but those fears were obviously for naught.

Part Fourteen 

[spencers-renaissance]

I'll (Never) Know What It's Like Not to Love You

Summary: Spencer finds his old journals in the attic, and he and Derek reminisce on the days they used to pine for one another. Luckily, those days are over, and they have forever ahead of them.

Tags: tooth-rotting domestic fluff, past mutual pining, past hurt!spencer, cuddling & snuggling, late canon

Pairing: Derek Morgan x Spencer Reid

Word Count: 1.3k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Happy Bonus Fic Thursday!!! This was written on a whim after listening to "When I'm Older" by Ashe on repeat one morning. I think it's cute though and I do love to give these two a happy ending <3

Spencer has just turned thirty-nine when he finds the journal. It’s only November, but he’d ventured into the attic to dig out the Christmas decorations while Derek was out running errands — he can’t complain about it if he’s not here — and he’d stumbled across boxes full of stuff from Spencer’s old apartment that he took with him when he moved into the house Derek renovated for them.

He finds trinkets and books he’d almost forgotten about, old letters that he never sent, the small remnants he has left of his childhood, and he spends almost an hour sifting through the boxes as he sits on the floor of the loft, barely registering the frigid air around him.

Eventually, he stumbles on the box full of his old journals, and his heart stops at the sight of them. They’re a random assortment of hardback and paperback, colourful and plain, too many different fabrics to count, and they document every day of his life from his first day at university up until around 2009. After he got together with Derek, his life had grown too full and busy to chronicle each and every day, and he switched to only journaling through the really significant moments of his life.

He lifts them out of the box, fingering the spines tenderly as he holds them with the reverence he feels they deserve, until he comes across a fat, purple, leather journal. Jan-June 2004, it says on the spine in Spencer’s neatest print. His stomach tumbles as he remembers what’s written on these pages, and — his world suddenly zeroing into the book in his hands — he opens it.

23rd April 2004

We didn’t have a case today. Derek brought me coffee and ate breakfast with me in the break room and, even though I was smiling the whole time, it hurt so badly. I don’t think I’ll ever not be in love with him. Certainly not when he’s this close to me; not when he looks at me like he did when I knocked the stapler off the desk today; not when he places his hand on my hip and calls me ‘pretty boy’.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I think that the most I can hope for is that in thirty years I don’t still feel like this. Maybe when I’m older, I’ll finally know what it’s like not to love him.

Spencer’s heart clenches as all the emotions he’d felt when writing that entry rush back. Almost all the pages from 2003-2006 are filled with his lamentations about his feelings for Derek. He’d documented other things too at times, if a case was particularly interesting he’d write down his thoughts and observations, and he’d written about the trip he’d taken in 2005 to go and see Diana after the Fisher King case.

Largely, though, he wrote about the way Derek’s eyes looked in the sunshine, the difference in his first and last smile of the day, the gentleness in every strong and powerful muscle of his body. He wrote about the way his heart broke each day at the sight of him, how he would cry at night when the knowledge he’d never know how it felt to be wrapped up in his arms hurt too badly. He wrote about the men he slept with in a vain attempt to forget him.

As soon as the rush of emotions subsides a little, a smile crosses his lips. Tears shine in his eyes as he thinks about how wrong this Spencer was.

He is older now. He wrote these journal entries in his twenties, and now he’s fast approaching being double the age he was then, and still, he has no idea what it’s like not to love Derek Morgan. The only difference is that the hurt it used to bring has been replaced with a kind of joy Spencer never could have expected he would experience.

It’s not something painful he wishes he could forget anymore; it’s the very root of everything so wonderful about his life, and where 2004 Spencer Reid wished he could cut himself open and gut out all the love he held for Derek Morgan, modern day Spencer Reid only wants it to replicate, duplicate, overtake his body until it’s more himself than he could ever be.

⭐️

“I found something interesting earlier,” he tells Derek later.

Their empty pasta bowls are discarded on the coffee table as they sit cuddled up on the sofa and the TV is muted, playing Spencer’s favourite sitcoms across the screen, the sound of the November rain coming down outside filling the room. The Christmas decorations are still in the attic, but the journals are tucked under their bed upstairs.

“What’s that, baby?” He turns his head slightly to see Spencer’s face resting against his shoulder, tightening his grip on his waist, pulling him closer into his warmth.

Spencer looks up to meet Derek’s eyes, and he can’t help but immediately smile. They’re still the same shade of delectable honey brown, still the same ones that melt him every time he meets his gaze, but they’re a little more lined these days. Spencer always tells Derek that age looks good on him, and he means it. He looks older, wiser, safer, and Spencer still wants to melt into his embrace every moment of the day.

“I found the journals I wrote in when I first joined the BAU.”

Derek chuckles lowly, bringing a hand to Spencer’s curls. “Those must have been a good read.”

“They were.”

“What cases did you write about?”

“Not many,” Spencer admits, sliding down the sofa until he can rest against Derek’s chest more comfortably. “I mostly wrote about you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. When I was young and in love and it hurt so badly because I thought I would never have you, the only thing that I held onto was that maybe when I was older, I wouldn’t still be in love with you. And it’s sort of funny, because I’m older now, and if anything, I’m only more in love with you.”

“Oh, baby,” Derek sighs. “We really were a mess back then, huh?”

Spencer laughs. “That’s one way to put it.”

“Penelope was my journal when you first joined,” Derek recalls, tracing his fingertips over the exposed skin on Spencer’s waist where his t-shirt’s ridden up. “I would go into her office at least three times a day when we were home complaining about how much I liked you. And she’d get even more calls if we were on a case.”

“Wait, is that where you used to go when we shared a room? You always used to wander out of the room at random hours making phone calls. I thought it was weird.”

Derek laughs at that, and Spencer likes the way it makes his chest rumble underneath him. “That’s exactly what was going on, genius.”

“When she and Emily come this weekend I’m gonna get her to tell those stories,” Spencer teases.

“Let her,” Derek laughs, “I’m not embarrassed. The whole world can know I was and still am madly in love with my pretty boy, I don’t care.”

Spencer’s heart warms at that, and he marvels at Derek’s ability to still make him soft and mushy after all these years. He sits up properly, shifting up the sofa until he’s straddling Derek’s hips, cradling his face. “I love you so much,” he whispers, leaning in to press his lips against Derek’s.

“I love you more.”

“I’m pretty sure that reading even a single entry of one of those journals could convince you otherwise.”

“Oh, I will absolutely be reading those journals, baby, do not get it twisted.”

Spencer smiles, sliding off his hips to curl up next to him again, resting his head on his shoulder. “You’ve made me so happy, Derek,” he murmurs, connecting his right hand with Derek’s left.

“And nothing makes me happier than hearing that,” Derek murmurs back, caressing Spencer’s thumb with his own. “I’m gonna continue making you happy for the rest of our lives, you know that?”

Spencer sighs, content and warm and loved. “Yeah. I do.”

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @enbyspencer @reidology @i-like-buttons @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @moreidstrobed

[bluebellefox]

It is a Far, Far Better Thing

When he first begins to regain consciousness, he is aware only of the sense of darkness blanketing around him, allowing his body to float along the gentle waves of a softly rolling black sea. It is not oppressive darkness that surrounds him, but rather a soothing one, one that brings none of the weight that being alone in the dark has brought him these past few years. One that reminds him of summer nights under a tree shared by unassuming children ready to take on the world or rainy mornings spent with tea cooling in its chipped mug and dog-eared and creased worn pages. Or the gentle pressure of a wizened hand laying on his shoulder and the echo of a lilting laugh that shone brightly in emerald eyes and always seemed to staunch the deep ache in his very soul that has haunted him since he could remember. It is peaceful and for the first time in a long time, Severus feels calm.

He wakes slowly, for the first time in months, years, decades… There is no rushed sense of duty that usually accompanies him and spurs him to action the second he is aware of the waking world. There is only the feeling of a warm spring breeze lofting over his face, pulling playfully at his hair as it dances across, well wherever he is. Normally finding himself in an unknown place after being so deeply wrapped in the arms of Morpheus would alarm him, even send him into a whirlwind of abject panic but strangely enough, the familiar anxiety isn’t present. Instead, he allows himself to relish the sounds of leaves rhythmically swaying in the wind, the prickles of untrimmed ryegrass through the fabric of his robes, the pleasant warmth radiating from the traditionally more traitorous English sun. He hasn’t been allowed to just exist in this simple capacity since he was a small child before his life was so convoluted and controlled by the decisions of more powerful men before the weight of the fate of all wizard-kind across Britain fell upon his shoulders, bowing his back and making him more Atlas than man.

There was something pulling at the back of his conscience, he can feel it pulsing through the severe fog that's invaded his senses. Not unlike when he uses his occlumency to bury his emotions when they overwhelmed him, or when it was imperative the Dark Lord not see the thoughts that ravaged his mind during Death Eater meetings. However, unlike those occasions where occlumency was the only option to halt an oncoming nervous breakdown, he couldn't wave away the haze. The longer he laid there, poking around at this inexplicable barrier around the parts of his mind that had ruled supreme these past few years, the spymaster, the renegade, the ruthless Death Eater, the protector, they all fell away. Hidden behind walls, not of his own construction and remained unreachable through the thick shroud of hazy quiet. Until suddenly even that muted feeling of alarm was swept away in the breeze and floated gently in the wind along with the dandelion seeds. Far, far away from him, and he finds he doesn’t bemoan the loss.

Severus supposes he should care, waking up in a strange place and so far removed from his own mind and thoughts. He should care, but he doesn’t remember ever being this tired. His eyelids feel so heavy that even thinking about prying them open takes an insurmountable amount of energy that he does not possess. The grass and weeds feel good against his back, far more comforting and soft than even his bed at Hogwarts and certainly his moth-eaten and unbalanced one at Spinner’s End, somehow feeling like the glimmers of contentment and peace of his childhood. The breeze a nice change from the howling winds of the Scottish Highlands, he thinks as it settles across him like a warm blanket. He supposes it’s not a bad spot for a bit of a nap, and he is so very tired. There are much worse places to drift away in.

That thought breaks through the veil in his head, just for one moment but it’s enough to bring the muted pressure of rotting wood up against his spine, a sharp, coppery scent replacing the smell of wildflowers in his nose, a cold voice breaking the peace he’s found. Severus tenses, his fight against the haze in his mind redoubles and twice as savage as before, panic and desperation by his side once more. Until he catches sight of green eyes in the unpleasant memories flowing by him, solemn but bright enough to burn away the flashes of images of a familiar-seeming, dilapidated house. That green fills his mind, gently carrying him away from whatever horrors trying to claw and scratch their way back into his awareness, pulling him gently away from an office with numerous paintings lining the walls and a high-backed chair, from the darkness clinging to a sprawling manor even it’s elegance could not override, from a smoky and underground lecture room, from a cramped, angry house by a polluted river.

Severus is distantly aware that these places hold some great significance to him, he feels the subdued emotional ties to them but is unable to articulate what they are or explain where they came from. He can’t bring himself to care and gladly follows that green back to the peaceful weightlessness of before, because somewhere he knows with a bone-deep surety that those eyes are home.

“Hey, Sev.”

Despite his previous weariness and weight of his eyelids, Severus finds it extremely easy to open his eyes. He is greeted by the pale blue sky of a warm spring evening, streaks of white clouds held in place above him, and the swaying branches of an old oak tree. It feels familiar, like greeting an old friend after a time apart. He slowly pulls his arms from his stomach, and props himself up on his elbows, and looks in the direction of the voice. And sitting amidst the knots and gnarled roots of the oak, chin casually resting in the cradle of her hand, sits Lily.

Red hair floats down around her shoulders, a few strands following the breeze as it makes its way through the field again. Her freckles scattered along the bridge of her nose, curling around her cheekbones just as he remembers. An easy smile splits her lips, one that speaks of fond and long-held affection, the very same as the one that haunts him in his dreams. But here she sits before him, solid and real in a way her presence hasn't been to him in many years. And those green eyes that he sees every time he closes his eyes, are looking at him with a gentle sort of mirth and a warmth he hasn’t felt in a long time.

There are a thousand words he wants to say, hundreds of apologies laying at the tip of his tongue, but they stick in the back of his throat. There is something in the way she reaches her hand out to him and sweeps the hair out of his face that makes them unnecessary, a sense of causal affection that tells him that she requires no explanations. They would break this wonderful moment of reprieve, so he’s content to spend the remainder of forever in this comfortable silence.

A million memories spill forth from the dam in his mind, some fuzzy with a deep fondness and peace, others sharp with a deep-set pain and desperate loneliness. They swirl around him in branching streams and he runs his fingers through them. The sudden sound of a cracking branch, biting retorts flown in reckless abandon, a betrayal by a glass-green lake. They flit about the edges of his mind, too quick to hold fast to and they slip from his grasp and dissipate into the lovely spring air. A small hand clasped in his, a peal of musical laughter, and those green, green eyes are the only things left. Home, Severus thinks, this is home.

“Hey, Lily.”

She closes her eyes for a moment, and Severus thinks she is every bit as bright and lovely and magical as she has ever been. She cups her hand around his cheek, and he can’t help but lean into her touch, feeling every bit like the grumpy cat she always compared him to. She gives him an affectionate glance and turns her eyes back to the field in front of them. The sloping hill, the grasses and the weeds, the wildflowers, all much more numerous and beautiful than their spot in Cokeworth but it feels right, familiar all the same.

Lily slowly rises to her feet and takes a moment to brush off the dirt collected on her trousers. She holds her hand out to him with a look of patient expectancy. He looked at her hand and then back up at her face.

“You ready to go?”

Severus closes his eyes for a moment, taking in the quiet and the lovely weather a final time, and stands. When he reaches for her hand, she opens it readily and grips him with a comfortable tightness. Here they stand again, hand in hand, after everything that's happened and against all odds. Joy fills him in a way that he hasn’t felt since he was that nine-year-old boy, bathing in her warmth and secreting away what happiness he could afford.

“I think I am.”

When they take their first steps together, he can feel Lily swinging their joined hands between them. And for the first time in a long time, Severus smiles.

[fan4196]

Mister Perfectly Fine

Fearless - Taylor's Version (From The Vault)

As long as he's going, working his eight hours at the hospital, running from one meeting to the other, squeezing surgeries in every free minute he has or running behind the twins at home, everything is fine. As long as his mind is going he's perfectly fine. But as soon as his head hids the pillow or he sits down alone in his office and his mind starts to calms down he's not fine anymore. As soon as his mind stops thinking about the hospital he has to run, the patients he has to save or about his twins, his thoughts take over - thoughts he hates and loves at the same time. Deep thoughts that bring forth every kind of emotion in his body. Thoughts about her. The one good thing he had in his life for so long and now not anymore because he chose his kids. He chose his kids over her and after months he still doesn't know if it was the right or wrong decision. Since the day he left her, this thought lives in his head like a parasite, never leaving him. In every quiet second his mind goes back to this decision and everything involved in it and makes him go nuts. But not only his mind goes crazy also his heart. He could cry everytime he thinks about her and the potential future he lost by leaving her. He could beat himself at the thought of how much he hurt her - again. It beats him up that he not only broke the vow he gave her not to long before he left but that he broke the biggest promise he ever gave her - to always be her home and to never leave her. He knew that this was and still is her biggest insecurity. Way to many people left her or pushed her aside like she was nothing and Alex promised to himself, pretty early in their relationship, that he would never do that to her. But he did, more than once.

Every quiet minute his heart aches at his biggest lost he ever experienced and at the unconditional love he had received from her daily and now never will again.

Of course his kids love him and he knows that Izzie does too in some way but it's just not the same. It's not the kind of love that overfills his heart with warmth every day. The kind of love that let him growl at the ceiling, fake break up in front of a whole hospital, that is ok with going jail to prevent someone from having to testify, that puts on fake vampire teeth and marries someone for a second time after a crappy day at work. The kind of love that, now that it's gone, makes him realise how big of an impact it had on him, his mind and his heart. Because now that it's gone, his body wants it back like a drug. But nothing, sadly not even his kids, can fill his empty heart completely. There's always this whole that nothing can fill.

And so everytime his mind gets the chance to calm down it craves for the drug he can't consume. She is 1800 miles away, living her life like he should too - but he just can't, not really.

He leans back in his chair starring at the picture of the twins that's standing on his office desk right beside his work laptop. Their silly faces smile towards the camera. He loves his kids, they are one of the best things that ever happened to him but every time he looks at them he can't stop but wonder what his and Jo's kids would have been like. If they would have had a little boy first, who was through and through a mommas boy or if they would have had a little girl first, who would have looked like a carbon copy of Jo and would have adored her daddy to death. Or if they would have had both; twins - silly and foul-mouthed but still the cutes little angels.

He hates those uncontrolled, silent thoughts of what if. He hates that he secretly wishes things were different. He hates that he's not fine when he should be.

He loosens his stare from the only picture on his desk and turns his chair to reach for the lowest drawer of his desk - like he did so many times before. He opens it to take the only item out and carefully strokes his thumb over the wooden frame until it hits the silky red ribbon he never took off. Starring at the picture in the frame, memories of one of the best days in his life play in his head. From her excited face when she showed up at Mer's house, to her excitingly kissing Arizona, to her storming into his dressing room mocking him for something she thought he did, to her loud, pure laugh in the shed, her soft lips on his after they said I do, to her sleepy smile as he picked her up to carry her bridal stile through their loft door.

Everything about this day was perfect even though nothing went according to plan. But that was so them. Nothing in their six years together ever went according to plan. If it would have, he would have married her a year into their relationship. They would have started making babies immediately and would now live in a big suburban house with their five kids, two dogs and probably some fish. But it's not, their life didn't go according to plan, they had some massive bumps in their road - their ups and downs, they broke up and found their way back together, they had their difficult paths to navigate through but they did it and it made them stronger - as a person and as a couple. He always thought that nothing could ever break them. And he loved the thought of getting old with Jo and to die with her at his side once they were wrinkly and grey. Now everything changed and it's his fault.

Looking at the big smile on her face, the urge to call her comes over him - to hear her voice, to talk to her about everything he hates right now.

Way to many times the thinks of just dialing her number and calling her. The thought of hearing her voice again makes his heart flutter. He misses her. He misses talking to her. He misses his friend he can tell everything. He misses their lazy nights curled up in each other's arms on the couch, a trashy reality show in the background, while they just talk - about everyone and everything for hours without loosing a topic.

He also misses her silly self. Her bad jokes that she thought were hilarious. Her face when she told them. Her pure laugh after she told them. When they were alone she never took herself to serious. She was one hundred percent herself around him. Joking, laughing, running around without pans and only one of his shirts on.

He's not gonna lie, he also misses her body. Her perfect body - her ass, her boobs, her mouth, her smell, her hair, her perfect hands that she loved to bury in his hair. He loves and misses every bit of her. He misses what her body was able to do to his. How her hand in his neck was able to give him goosebumps on his entire body. How her presence when she walked into a room, made his stomach flutter. How her lips on his let him forget everything. How her curled up in his arms, close against his body made him love her even more. It wasn't just the amazing sex he misses, it is her.

He puts the picture down on his desk running his hands over his face. He never thought that he could miss someone this much - and he had lost a lot of people over time.

The little knock on his door let him sit up straight again. He quickly puts the picture back in the drawer and closes it before he let's the person come inside.

"Doctor Karev. You wanted to speak me?"

"Doctor Jones. Yeah, please sit down." He points to the chairs in front of his desk to let the resident sit. "I heard you were at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital in Seattle. Tell me how it was."

"Oh. It was amazing. I've never seen a this innovative and cutting edge hospital before. No offense." The brunette smiles a little nervous as she sits down in front of her boss. 

"Absolutely not. I know how good it is. I learned in that hospital and worked there for many years." Alex replies with a little, toothless smile.

"Really? I never knew that." She answers surprised.

"So tell me a little bit. What did you do while you were there? Who did you meet?" Alex asks, interested in hearing about his former colleagues and friends.

"Oh I- Ok on the first day I was in their ER. Doctor Hunt showed me around and I assisted him. The second day I met the Doctor Meredith Grey. God she's everything, but I guess you know that. She showed me around the ICU and I met Doctor Webber and Doctor Bailey. On the third day I was in ortho and met Doctor Lincoln, he's amazing. Well they call him Ortho-God for a reason. My third day I was with Doctor Sheppard. She showed me her newest scans and let me join in on an operation. The last day I was with Doctor Hayes on the Peds floor. He was so nice and showed me around the NICU and PICU. I also met Doctor DeLuca and Doctor Wilson there, they were both so nice and showed me some of their cute little pacients." She smiles after finishing.

"Sorry, Doctor Wilson?" He asks a little confused.

"Yeah. She was so nice. She showed and explained me everything and let me hold one of her patients. She was so cute. The baby not Doctor Wilson. I mean Doctor Wilson is pretty cute too, especially when she's talking to her little patients but that's not the point, right?" She laughs.

"I guess I missed something, little patients? What is she doing on the Peds floor?" Alex asks again, trying to get every single little bit of information from the resident.

"Well that's where OB/Gyn's are sometimes, right?" She shrugs. 

"Wait. OB/Gyn?" Now he's confused. Did Jo change specialties or was the resident in front of him talking about someone completely different?

"Yeah. Oh right. She was a general surgeon before but changed specialties during the pandemic. She told me everything when we were having lunch. She said she needed some joy in her life after her husband left her and she found that in OB so she changed specialties." Doctor Jones clarifies, with a smile.

"Thank you." Alex nods, to signal the brunette that he got all the information he wanted.

"Ahm sure. Anything else, Doctor Karev?" She asks before she stands up to leave.

"No. It's good to hear you had a great time in Seattle." He gives her a toothless smile before he leans forwards.

"I did. Thank you again for letting me do that."

"No problem."

As the door closes he leans back in his chair again. Thinking about what Doctor Jones just told him.

He's happy that she's happy. That she found new joy in her life. That's everything he needs to know. He needs her to be fine. Even though he misses her even more now and is not fine, he is happy that she is fine.

-

It’s finally Taylor Swift x Jolex Week! So excited for all the stories. Here’s mine, hope you like it.

Enjoy!

-

@odd-birds-and-booksellers @doc-pickles @angry-slytherin @cicinicole-14 @mac-andcheeses @renipedia @jobrookekarev @kidneys4karev @only-freaking-sunflowers @iamtrebleclefstories

[there-must-be-a-lock]

Hold On

Spencer Reid x Reader

Word Count: ~2220

Warnings: Some Maeve-related angst, but unlike the CM writers, I believe in allowing Spencer Reid to be happy. 

A/N: Quoted lyric, title, and thematic inspiration from “Hold On” by Tom Waits, which you can listen to over here. Encouragement and/or blame (depends on your POV) from @stunudo​ and @katwillrise​. Speedy beta from @fangirlxwritesx67​. 

  For a long time, Spencer didn’t understand other peoples’ need to touch. He avoided it whenever possible. 

It was partly about germs, of course, but partly just that he didn’t like the sensation. He’s never liked the intimacy of it, the closeness, and even as a child, unexpected hugs made him go stiff and uncomfortable, like he was holding his breath until the foreign stimulus was gone. 

There were a few people he made an exception for, people he trusted, people whose arms made him feel protected or comforted instead of threatened, but it was only a handful: his mom, Morgan, JJ, occasionally Penelope or Emily. 

He’d see couples walking down the street hand in hand, or with their arms wrapped around each other, and he wondered what the appeal was. He imagined sleeping next to someone, waking up with their body wrapped around his, their skin sweaty and their breath damp, and he imagined it would feel more like a stranglehold than an embrace. 

Then there was Maeve. 

He wanted to meet her in person, of course, but it wasn’t her physical body that he fell in love with. It was almost a relief, being able to have a relationship without worrying about the sensory minefield of having another human in his space.  

When he daydreamed about meeting her (and he daydreamed a lot) he mostly tried to imagine her face. He knew what it sounded like when she was smiling or laughing, but he wanted to see; he wanted to watch the way she lit up when they had those long joyful arguments about poetry. He wanted to learn her mannerisms, her expressions, wanted to learn her until he could read her like a book. 

He rarely thought about touching her, but then Maeve died, and suddenly he couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

He’d never been able to hold her hand. He wondered what her fingers had looked like, how they’d fit with his own, whether her palms were rough with callouses or soft and smooth, whether she bit her nails. 

He’d never been able to kiss her, and he wondered how her lips would feel. Would their first kiss have been shy and sweet, or deep and passionate? Who would initiate it? Would they be in the middle of a conversation when he decided he couldn’t wait, or would she take the lead? 

He’d never slept next to her, never felt her breathing slow in the dark, never held her. He’d never run his fingers through her hair, or wiped away her tears, or danced with her. 

He missed her. 

He could remember her laugh, her voice, the barely-there crackle of her breath over the line when she paused to think. He held tight to those memories. He never wanted to let them go. 

It shouldn’t have been possible, but he missed her body, too. His skin felt strange and bare for the longest time, every inch of him feeling the lack of her. Every nerve and cell felt the ghost of her imagined touch. He dreamed about it all the time, dreamed that she was there, arms wrapped around him, body pressed close to his. 

He dreamed about trying to hold on: feeling her slip away, the way his throat went tight with panic… gunshots. Those dreams always ended in a gunshot, and when he woke up, he was terrified and crying out for her, reaching out in the dark, feeling only emptiness where she should’ve been. 

He just wants to apologize, and to say goodbye. He wishes he’d had a chance to hold her, just once. 

It never really stops hurting. Spencer knows he'll be hearing that gunshot in his dreams for the rest of his life, and he knows he’ll never get a chance to say goodbye. He knows he’ll never get a chance to touch her. Spencer meets someone new, one Sunday morning, in his favorite coffee shop. She’s curled up in an armchair, reading a book, and he’s so distracted by the way she’s smiling as her eyes whiz across the page that he trips over his feet and spills his fresh mug of coffee on her. He stammers an apology, painfully embarrassed. He grabs a handful of napkins and offers them to her, but all he can do is stand there uselessly as she dabs at the stain. 

She’s humming something. It takes a second for Spencer to place it. 

“Tom Waits,” he blurts out, and she looks up at him, grinning. 

“Go ahead and call the cops…” she sings quietly. 

“You don’t meet nice girls in coffee shops,” he finishes. “Tom Waits doesn’t know what he’s talking about, apparently.” 

She laughs. “Depends on your definition of nice, I guess.” 

“Can I take you out to dinner sometime?” he asks, almost choking on the words. She says yes, for some reason.  

At the end of their first date, he walks her to her door and panics. He doesn’t know how to bridge the gap between their bodies, and he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, and he’s utterly captivated by her. It’s been so long since he wanted to reach out and touch someone. 

So he steps back and raises a hand in a wave. She smiles like she understands, but he kicks himself as soon as the door closes behind her. 

That night, he dreams about the goodbye. He dreams about walking her to her building, watching her step inside, but this time when the door closes behind her, he hears a gunshot. He wakes up gasping, terrified that he’ll never get to kiss her goodnight. 

He calls her, first thing in the morning, and asks for a second chance. 

On their second date, he takes her to lunch. He watches her hands as she fidgets, and his fingers itch with the desire to reach out. He watches her lick a drop of water from her lip, and he gets lost, imagining what it would be like to kiss her. 

After lunch, they go to his favorite used bookstore. It's a labyrinth of a place, with low ceilings and three floors and five old spiral staircases. It feels like you could find anything around the next corner, like the air is thick with magic under the smell of aging paper and ink, and there's something about it that makes Spencer feel like a child again. He leads her up the hidden back staircase, ducking to make it under the lintel, and when she looks around the mazelike loft, her face lights up with childlike joy that mirrors his own. He grabs her hand, then. 

It's the first time they've touched. Her palm feels tiny in his. "Which way?" he asks, and she looks around, bright eyed, weighing the options. She pulls him through a narrow aisle, past the autobiographies, her eyes alight and her lips curled in a smile, her fingers still laced with his. They're in the travel section when he stops short, tugging on her hand to reel her in. He kisses her before he can think too hard. It’s breathless, clumsy, eager, both of them smiling, and it's perfect. She’s solid and warm against him. He slides one hand up to her neck, running his fingers through her hair, and then cups her jaw. The pad of his thumb rests right against her heartbeat where it kicks steadily under the thin skin. He kisses her again. 

The tangible physical evidence of life under his hands feels like a minor miracle. He knows how fragile it is; he knows how easily this could be ripped away from him, how easy it would’ve been for things to go differently, for her heart to stop before he ever got to feel her pulse. 

He holds her hand as he walks her back to her building that afternoon. His hand is slightly sweaty, but she doesn’t seem to mind. He holds on tight, fascinated by the way their fingers slot together and the way he can feel the tiny knobby bones of her knuckles when he brushes his thumb over them. He kisses her outside her apartment and he smiles all the way home. 

The first time he undresses her, he takes his time. He touches every new inch of skin, reverent, presses his lips to every scar and freckle, until she’s flushed, flustered by the attention. 

“What?” she asks, as he stares. 

“You’re incredible,” he mumbles, because she is. Spencer is fascinated by the soft give of her stomach, the rise and fall of her chest, the shifting muscles of her thighs and the lines of tendons in her neck when she arches her back. There’s so much happening under her skin: red blood cells ferrying oxygen as she gasps in a breath, nerve endings firing off wherever he touches her, infinitesimal electric pulses rushing off to her brain to translate the pressure of his fingers into pleasure. 

It’s not just heat and friction. It’s life. She’s warm and breathing and so very alive under his palms, and every sensation is a celebration. 

Spencer falls hard and fast. She fits in his messy little world, slots neatly into spaces that he never realized were empty, filling his life with her warm laugh. It’s easier than he expected, letting her in. 

They have their first fight in Spencer’s kitchen on a Saturday afternoon. Spencer’s not sure what it’s about, afterward. It’s a blur. 

He gets passive-aggressive instead of dealing with things, and she says something sharp in return. Anger rises hot and corrosive in his throat, strangling everything else. He can’t swallow it down so he spits it out instead, snarling something hurtful, and he knows it’s petty, he knows it’s childlike to lash out, but it’s what he does. It’s what he always does. 

Spencer never really learned how to have an argument that doesn’t end with someone storming out the door. 

“You should go,” he snaps. Her eyes are big and hurt, and Spencer turns his back. 

“Spencer.” 

“I said, you should go.” 

There’s a long pause. He hears her grab her purse from the table and head for the door without another word. 

Spencer goes cold all over, because she’s about to walk out before he can say goodbye, and suddenly he’s terrified. He’s terrified, and it feels like he’s choking. The dull thud of the deadbolt sliding open sounds like a gunshot. 

She’s already halfway out the door when he says, “Wait.”  

He moves quickly, slamming the door shut and wrapping his arms around her, clinging tight. She slides her hands up his back and fists them in his shirt, pulling him closer. Spencer squeezes his eyes closed and feels the tears spill over. 

Anger is a waste of time. Why does he do that? 

“It’s okay,” she whispers, before he can even apologize. 

“Please don’t go,” he says, in a small strained voice. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I — sorry.” 

She takes a big shuddery breath and he realizes she’s crying too. He presses his lips to her temple and wipes her tears away with the pad of his thumb, and he has to bite back the words, because he knows it’s not the right moment, but all he can think is, I love you. 

A couple days later, they’re in his kitchen again, making dinner, and the light is golden where it comes through the window. She’s smiling. He takes the vegetable peeler out of her hand, sets it down on the counter, and tugs her away. 

“Dance with me?” he asks. She doesn’t question it. She slips her hand into his and sways slowly with him in the quiet kitchen, and he tells her: “I love you.”

He still dreams about Maeve sometimes. 

He’s stumbling through a strange unfamiliar house, opening doors and finding one empty echoing room after another, and he can’t find her. He’s so fucking scared he can’t breathe, and he’s choking on it, throat closed up tight. 

Last door. He can’t open it, he’s trying, but the handle is stuck, and then — 

He wakes at the gunshot, wakes with a sob in the back of his throat, reaching out into empty space. 

Except it’s not empty. She’s already there, right there in his arms, sprawled half on top of him with her sweaty skin plastered to his. 

“You okay?” she asks, voice slurred with sleep. 

“I will be,” he whispers. She’s already falling back to sleep, but he says it anyway: “I’m glad you’re here.” 

He still sort of feels like he’s choking. Love feels a lot like fear, sometimes. 

It’s more like a stranglehold than an embrace, but he holds her close and listens to the steady rush of oxygen in her lungs. She shifts, digging a knee into his thigh. He’s getting pins and needles in one arm, and her breath is hot and damp on the side of his neck, tickling his skin with every exhale. Spencer is overheated and uncomfortable. He doesn’t move. 

There are billions of people in this world and trillions of cells in her body, and there are countless tiny miracles that led them to this moment: tangled in the sheets, breathing slowly in the darkness, together, alive. 

Spencer understands, now. He never, ever wants to stop touching her. 

.

.

.

[jobrookekarev]

Breathe 

T.S. x Jolex Week 2021 hosted by @thejolexgroupchat​

Chapter One of One

Words: 2760  

Summary: “He left me. And now I can't, I can't, I can't breathe.” Alex left and Jo felt like she couldn't breathe without him, but she had to learn how to breathe on her own, especially when he leaves a little part of himself with her.

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy.

Relationship: Alex Karev/Jo Wilson. 

Characters: Jo Wilson, Alex Karev, Atticus Lincoln, and Meredith Grey.

Rating: General Audiences. 

Additional Tags: Angst, Taylor Swift, Breathe, The Letter, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Tests.

Read at AO3

Read at FFN

AN: This song just fit so perfectly with this scene and I do not own any of Taylor Swift's music or the lyrics to Mine.

……………………………………………………………………

Jo sat alone in the loft. Her hands wrapped around the glass of wine she hadn't taken a sip of yet. She stared at the kitchen sink, but not really as her mind drifted off. She thought of the snow as she drove home. The heavy flakes lingered on her windshield like puffs of cotton falling from the sky. Jo loved the snow. Growing up in Boston, her memories of playing in the winter snow were some of the better memories from her childhood. She smiled when she walked out of the hospital to see the cold frosty night and the quiet that came with a blanket of white across the city. 

Alex loved the snow too. She remembered the conversation they had on their honeymoon. The one that she half listened to as she thought over her cancer research idea. Alex had talked about building forts in the snow with their two kids and how they would have a snowball fight with one of each on their team. The idea of Alex and their two children playing in the snow slipped through her fingers like the sand on the beach. In contrast, the snow stuck to her gloves as she wiped it off her car that night. 

When she got home, she had poured herself a glass of wine to try and relax, but Jo just kept thinking of her and Alex and their children playing in the snow. They were in a good place, she was doing better since her depressive episode. Alex had settled into his role as chief and they were home more as they had a set schedule. They decided that now would be a good time to start trying for a baby. They had thrown out her birth control and the condoms and placed a box of pregnancy tests next to the box of tampons under the sink. As the smell of the wine turned her stomach and her period approached, she wondered which box she should grab. 

She remembered the conversation she had with Helen. They had kept in touch a little bit since she had come to visit, a few texts and photos, but mostly just phone calls here and there. They had a good mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship. Jo loved their little talks and how Helen treated her like her own daughter. Ever since she married Alex and took his name, Jo felt like she was one of the Karev’s. She finally had a family, a name that meant something to her.

Jo heard someone on the stairs. Heavy footsteps shook the snow off their boots in the entryway to the Loft. She got up and rushed over to the door, eager to open it before he could turn his key in the lock. He was back. Alex was home. A little smile appeared on her face. However, it disappeared when she saw that it was not Alex, but Link on her doorstep. 

“Misery loves company,” Link said as he came in and shut the door behind him and she just stared at him. “So I brought donuts and despair.” 

Link brushed past her and went over to the kitchen, setting the donuts on the island table and unzipping his jacket as Jo just stared at him. It took him a while to realize that she hadn't followed him. “Jo?”

“I, I thought you were him,” Jo said, looking around the empty Loft.

Link didn't say anything at first, he of all people, knew how much she missed Alex. He just looked down at the donuts and shrugged off his jacket. “I'm sorry.” 

“He left me.” 

Looking around, the absence of her husband was abundant. His shoes weren’t in the entryway, his clothes weren't on their shelves, she had looked for his favorite Iowa State Hawkeye t-shirt only to find that it was missing. His pillow was gone, and so was his toothbrush, his shampoo, and his body wash. Every little thing that was his and not theirs was missing. At first, she didn't think too much of it, just him taking the things he would need for a visit to his mom’s that didn't have a set return date. Yet as the days grew into weeks, Jo realized that he had taken all of his things and left.

“No, he didn't,” Link said, he was quick to assure her, just like everybody else had done over the past week. No one seriously thought that Alex would leave her, Jo certainly didn't, but she couldn't shake this feeling.

“I think he did.” Jo’s words came out in a breath and she just nodded and looked back at Link. “I think he woke up one day and felt the need to escape his life and me.”

Jo closed her eyes as she took a step forward. “I called his mom. He wasn't there. He'd never been there.”

She tried to keep her voice from breaking as she held back the tears. When she asked Helen about Alex, she tried to seem light, asking to talk to him and saying that she couldn't reach him on his phone. Helen was confused, she said she didn't even know Alex was planning to visit. Jo just smiled behind the phone and brushed it off. She just said that she was tired from a long day at work and must have forgotten that Alex was at a conference in Iowa instead. Helen was smart, and Jo knew she saw through her lies, but she let Jo pacify her with an easy excuse. 

Helen promised to call Alex herself to tell him to call his wife, and Jo had laughed. They ended things on a happy note. Jo mentioned the snow and how cold it was and Helen said she was knitting some mittens for Amber’s family. She said she would start making ones for Jo and Alex and throw in an extra little pair for their future baby. Jo had loved the idea of a little pair of yellow mittens that her mother-in-law was knitting, but the worry about Alex leaving her overtook her joy. Jo had ended the phone call quickly after that as she felt the lump rise in her throat and it became harder to talk without her voice breaking. 

Even now, she couldn't seem to take a deep breath and ease the tension that filled her. All she could feel was the weight on her chest as her heart ached for Alex. Jo shook her head as she looked around in disbelief. Never did she think he would do this to her.

“He left me. And now I can't, I can't, I can't breathe.”

Each word came out as a whisper, and after she broke down into sobs. Jo tried to breathe through the shaking sobs that wrecked her ribs, but she was so heartbroken. It was like she was holding her breath as she waited for him to come back, but she was beginning to drown. Link rushed over and wrapped his arms around her as Jo finally let herself fall apart in his arms. He gently swayed from side to side, rocking her like a child. She sobbed into Link’s shoulder as her knees gave out, and he took her weight. His big strong arms were usually a comfort to her, but the only person she wanted to hold her right now was Alex. Yet, he was the reason for her tears and the reason she couldn't breathe.

Her loud sobs filled the room as she cried out. Jo was in hysterics at this point, wailing into Link’s shoulder. She had kept it all in for so long, trying to keep it together. She had been desperate just to make it one more night, holding out hope that he would come home. That he would come back to her, but after everything that had happened today, she knew deep down that he had left her.

Getting left by your husband was never simple or easy. The way he did it, she could tell he wanted it to be a clean break, but she needed him to be there with her. To save her from this pain, pain that he caused.

Because she couldn't breathe without him. 

They stay like that in the entryway with Jo sobbing into Link’s arms as he held her and their knees dug into the carpet. She felt like she was drowning in tears that stung in her eyes as they cascaded down her face. They were never ending and left harsh tracks on her cheeks. Her breathing came out in long sobs, just taking in enough air to cry out again. Jo didn't bother wiping away her tears or catching her breath. She just cried and wailed because that was all she could do. Jo cried herself until she fell asleep in Link’s arms.

Jo woke up from a dreamless sleep in her bed with the blankets gently tucked over her. There was an arm around her and for a second, she thought it was Alex. She rolled over to bury her face in his chest and breathe in his familiar scent, but instead, Jo was faced with Link’s sleeping face. He slept on Alex's pillow or Alex's second pillow because he took his main one with him. For a second, Jo just stared at him, she gasped as her lungs froze up, and she forgot to breathe again because Alex wasn’t home. He wasn’t sleeping in the bed beside her.

She rolled back over and glanced at her nightstand, her clock said that it was 2 a.m., and Jo stared into the empty kitchen. It shouldn't be Link beside her, comforting her. It should be, Alex. Link was her person, her best friend in the whole world, but Alex was her husband. He was the only one who had been with her through everything. He knew her better than she knew the back of her hand. She knew him just as well, but she lost him. She lost her husband and her soulmate. 

Jo tried to take a deep breath in and out, but it was shaky and she couldn't seem to get enough air in. She squeezed her eyes shut as the tears filled her eyes again. She grabbed the blanket at the end of their bed and pulled it up to her nose, inhaling the sweet scent of him. It wasn’t easy trying to fall asleep in their bed without him, but she had to. Taking a deep breath again, Jo counted the seconds as she inhaled, and then counting again, she exhaled, trying to get to a higher number as she breathed in, taking in more air. It was a trick her therapist taught her, to focus on counting and breathing and not how lonely the bed felt because it wasn’t Alex next to her. She tried to breathe again on her own. Each inhale was hard because all she wanted to do was break down and cry again, but she held back the tears. She had to learn to breathe on her own. She had to learn to do it all on her own.

Alex had been there for her since the beginning, since her first year as an intern. Since then, they had only been apart for a few months, and even then, she still saw him every day in the hallways of the hospital. Jo thought that the most they had ever been apart was the month she was in the inpatient treatment for her depression. Now, as the days bleed into weeks, it was another day she hadn't seen him, hadn't talked to him, hadn't even heard from him at all. She just wanted to know that he was okay. She would settle for a voicemail, or a text, or a freaking letter.

……………………………………………………………………

She regretted that thought a few days later when she was holding his letter in her hands. Alex’s letter to her was written in his sloppy cursive handwriting. Jo used to scold him for it because she couldn’t read his writing, but now she could make out every word. She knew what the letter was going to say before she even opened it, but that didn't make reading his words any easier. Because nothing he could say was going to save them from this fallout. His voice in her head read it to her, and his words cut deep right down to the bone of her ribs, straight to her heart. When she finished it, she just sat there. It had been a week since the night she broke down, knowing that he left her, and despite how she tried, Jo still felt like she couldn't breathe without him. 

She was holding her breath again and there was a tightness in her chest that wouldn't release. Jo got up and drifted through the hospital. She told Link she was going to work, but instead, Jo found herself hiding out in the supply closet, hyperventilating once again as she paced back and forth. She knew what a panic attack looked like as her lungs contracted in quick breaths with air that never quite seemed to reach her lungs. Somehow she was able to calm herself down and go through all of her techniques. Jo took off her shoes and put both feet on the floor as she went through the steps for a chest tube. She had to calm down, she had to breathe again, even if it was without him because there was someone else she might need to breathe for.  

Jo waited until her panic attack was truly over and gave herself time to recover before she reached for the pregnancy test. She slipped out of the supply closet and went to the nearest bathroom. After taking the test, Jo didn't look at it, she knew what the results would be. Regardless, she couldn't be at work today. She went back to the attending’s lounge and quickly texted Bailey. Bailey offered her the whole week with the sympathetic, I'm sorry, but Jo just took the day. She didn't know how Bailey knew Alex quit his job and left her, but considering that he told his wife in a letter, she assumed he told Bailey the same way. Jo took a deep breath in as she texted back a simple reply. 

She tried to keep her breathing even, steady, and deep as she drove over to Meredith's house. Her heart beat faster as she parked on the street and in front of the house she once called her home. Jo took a deep breath, looking down at the pregnancy test before putting a hand on her belly. She took another deep breath and walked up to the house. With each step, Jo took a breath in and out until she got to the door and knocked.

She didn't have to wait long before Meredith opened the door and gave Jo the same sad, sympathetic look as she held a letter at her side. “I just got a letter from Alex. I’m guessing you got one too. I'm so sorry, Jo. I have half a mind to go to Kansas and beat his ass. You don't deserve this.”

Jo just stared at her, slowly processing everything she said. She knew that Alex left her, but she would never have imagined that he would leave Meredith too. The realization that he was truly gone was slowly sinking in, and she took a deep breath. She had to breathe without him, or at least she tried.

“Meredith, I'm pregnant,” Jo said, her words coming out in a breath.

Meredith’s lips slowly parted in shock as she dropped the letter in her hand, the papers slowly falling to lay on the ground. Taking a step forward, Meredith wrapped her arms around her and pulled Jo in for a hug. She let out a breath as she melted into Meredith's arms. Jo could feel the tears spring up in her eyes again, and she let them fall, but she breathed because she had to. 

She had to hold it together for the sake of her unborn child. She didn't know what she would do now that she was all alone, without him, but she would try. Even without him, she would be a damn good mother, the kind of mother their child deserved. Jo would learn how to breathe without him and somehow, she managed to take a deep breath in when all she wanted to do was stop breathing because of Alex.

[daebakinc]

D-1: Brownie Points

Pairing: Pixie Baekhyun x Brownie Reader

Au: Fairy AU

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Word Count: 1.8K

Empty! Empty, empty, empty!

You stomp your foot in frustration as you look at the two bowls in front of you. One should be filled with milk, the other honey with a bit of bread. Instead, there’s only a thin line of dried cream and a sheen of honey with crumbs of bread too small for a being as tiny as you.

Obviously it wasn’t that the family you live with forgot. Ever since you let the youngest child briefly glimpse you, the family has faithfully left the bowls out for you out of gratitude. After all, not every family is blessed with a brownie.

You know you’re an exceptional brownie too. You make sure the hay they harvest remains fresh and sweet, the sheep always have the softest wool to fetch the best price at market, and not a single animal or human falls ill on the farm. That’s just a little of what you do. But this family deserves it for their hard work and kind hearts.

It isn’t their fault there’s a thief about.

A rumbling growl comes from behind you. When you turn around, you see the family cat trotting towards you, something held in her mouth. That something has wings that glitter in the starlight.

As soon as you see what she has, you cross your arms and glare. “It was you, wasn’t it?”

The pixie grins cheekily despite the collar of his shirt being firmly gripped in a carnivore’s teeth. “Hello to you too, sweet pea. No idea what you’re talking about.”

“Wherever there’s mischief, there’s a pixie, and you, Baekhyun, are a frequent perpetrator on my farm.”

“Your farm?” Baekhyun cocks his head and examines you, squinting his eyes. “I didn’t know you turned human. Looks like you forgot some height.” 

Ignoring him, you walk over to the cat and put a hand on its leg. “Diana, thank you for catching him. Could you release him please?”

With a chirp, the cat drops him and trots back off to the barn. Regrettably, Baekhyun doesn’t crumble into an undignified heap like he deserves. He catches himself before his toes even hit the ground, his wings fluttering fast as a hummingbirds. Dumb pixies always showing off their wings and how graceful they are.

“Thanks,” Baekhyun says, smiling even wider than before. “Well, I’m off!”

You grab his ankle before he can fly off. “Not so fast! You ate my dinner! I earned that with honest work and you stole it.”

He rolls his eyes. “Why’re you making a big deal about it? It’s not like the humans are never going to feed you again.”

“It’s the principal of the thing. You pixies just fly around all night causing nothing but trouble. This isn’t the first time you’ve gone out of your way to cause problems I have to clean up!”

“Name one other time,” he huffs.

“When you tangled the plough horse’s mane and the harnesses so I had to spend a whole night just fixing those.”

“I-”

“When you unraveled all of the spinning from the day.”

“That-”

“When you made all the apples I picked turn sour.”

“Come on,” Baekhyun laughs. “You have to admit, the faces the humans made on that first bite were hilarious!”

They were, but Baekhyun is crazy if he thinks you’ll say it aloud. You know he doesn’t do all these things from a place of malice. He can’t help but cause little troubles because he’s a pixie; it’s what pixies do. But the way he seems to target you in particular just gets old sometimes.

Sighing, you let go of him. “Byun Baekhyun, just don’t mess with my farm, please. I have work to do.”

As you turn to go to the barn, Baekhyun flits in front of you. “Don’t you ever take a night off? To have fun? Do you even know that word?”

“I love my work,” you move around him, “so my work is fun. Unlike some people who’ve never worked a day in their life.”

Baekhyun flies alongside you over the damp grass. “Just take one night off. I know this really cool pond in the forest with these dragonflies big enough for us to ride! Sometimes unicorns even go there. I could take you.”

“No, Baekhyun. I have other things to do.”

“Fine. See ya later, brownie.”

The irritation in his voice surprises you. You’ve never heard him anything close to angry before. He’s always just happy Baekhyun. Turning to look at his face, you find he’s already gone.

“Oh well,” you think to yourself. He’ll get over it and be back to his tricks. Maybe you’ll get a few nights of peace if he really is miffed.

Your prediction seems correct. He doesn’t show up for the next three nights in a row. The quiet in the absence of his chatter at you makes your ears ring. Even if he never raised a finger to help, preferring to just fly around you and talk, you almost miss him. Then, you shake your head and think better of it.

The night of the new moon, while you’re refreshing the family’s store of dried herbs, you hear a sheep bleating. Lambing season is far off and your wards keep predators away... Still, you should check. When you slip out the front door, your feet freeze and your heart stops. 

The sheep pasture is completely empty.

“Daisy!” you cry as you run towards the pasture. “Rosy! Camellia! Lilly! Tulip!”

Silence.

As you reach the gate, you find it wide open. You know it wasn’t like that when you checked at dusk. Whirling around, you run around the farm, calling every ewe’s name. They’re nowhere to be found. Then, you reach where the farm ends and the forest begins. There, stuck on a briar bush is a strand of wool.

You collapse to the ground. Tears stream down your face as you clutch the wool to your chest. They’re gone. The forest is enormous; there’s too much ground for you to cover without wings.

Someone says your name.

Your eyesight blurred, you look up.

It’s Baekhyun, his eyes concerned and mouth twisted downward in a frown. Hovering above you, one of his hands is outstretched toward you. Then, you see what’s in his other hand.

The rope that locks the pasture’s gate.

“You!” you screech. “You let the herd out!”

“Look,” Baekhyun lurches out of reach when you lunge for the rope. He actually does sound apologetic as he says, “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean for all of them to get out. I was just going to let out one-.”

“You’re sorry?” you yell. “They’re all gone, Baekhyun! Without the herd, the family is ruined! I’m ruined!”

“I just wanted you to come play with me...”

“Play with you?” You laugh, the sound harsh. You throw up your hands. “Well, congratulations! Soon, I’ll get to play with you whenever because soon, I’m going to be homeless when the family has to leave! And what family is going to want a brownie like me now?”

Baekhyun’s wings falter and his eyes dart from the pasture to the woods, like he’s finally realizing what he did. “I’m... I’m sorry,” he says softly. His eyes shine with tears, but you can’t find sympathy to spare. 

“Go away, Baekhyun,” you whisper, brushing off your clothes and wiping at your face. Your chest feels heavy and hollow all at once.

“Wait!” Baekhyun flies in front of you, nearly hitting his head on yours. “I can fix it!”

“Whatever. Don’t you think you’ve ‘fixed’ enough tonight?” You take the rope from his hand, more tears choking your voice. “Just go.”

Not knowing what else to do, you trudge to the barn to do what you can. But even the simple magic of putting out hay and grooming the horse is exhausting. All you can think of is how after all this time of finding the perfect home and family, you’re going to lose it and have to start over again.

In the hay loft, you find Diana. She doesn’t crack an eye, but starts purring when you snuggle up to her. Just a short nap. Maybe this will all prove to be a bad dream when you wake up.

It feels like you just closed your eyes when a sound whispers its way into your ears.

You jolt up, listening. The pipe song is enticing and sweet, growing louder with each second. Pushing off the still sleeping cat, you run to the barn door.

At first, you see nothing. Then, movements of white in the forest. You hold your breath, unable to believe in miracles.

One sheep emerges from the woods. Another follows it, then another.

Joy and disbelief coursing through you, you sprint toward them, blind and deaf to everything else, calling, “Chamomile! Amaryllis! Peony!”

The lead ewe, Daisy, lowers her head and nudges you as you reach her, her breath hot as she snorts.

“You’re back,” you cry, clinging to her nose and breathing in her wooly smell.

“I got them all. I double checked.”

Baekhyun stands from his seat on Daisy’s shoulders. He glides down and lands in front of you, tucking his pipe into his belt. This is the first time you’ve actually see him touching earth. The sheep calmly continue walking past you to return to their pasture.

Baekhyun looks at his feet as he says, “I- I was wrong. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have messed with the animals. I know how much you care about them and the family.”

Who is this creature in front of you? It can’t be Baekhyun... He would never speak words like this.

“It’s my turn to guard the springs, so my brothers are all gone on their own adventures. I got lonely. I just wanted to have some fun with you since you’re the only other fairy around, but it was really selfish and stupid of me to try to get your attention this way.”

He’s not wrong, but you hadn’t known about his family. You’d thought he just liked bugging you for the heck of it.

“I really am sorry. I promise I’ll never do anything to you or the humans here again.” His wings droop and with a sigh, he turns his back to you. “I’ll leave you all alone for good.”

Baekhyun looks pathetic as he looks over his shoulder at you one more. Another sigh, and he starts walking away, wings dragging behind him. He looks so small and alone, you can’t help yourself.

“Baekhyun, wait!” you call.

He stops, but doesn’t look back.

“After I lock the gate... I haven’t eaten my honey, bread, and milk yet... If you want to join.”

[malucy31]

Time is On Our Side

Pairing - Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood

Raiting - Teen and Up

Tags - Time Travel AU, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Reunion, Married Malec, Alec Misses Magnus, Happy Ending, Malec Love Each Other A Lot

6599 words - COMPLETED

Summary - Alec is stuck on a mission in India in the 18th century and he misses Magnus. One day, he wakes up somewhere that feels and smells like home.

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - Home, at last

There is a whole ritual every time Alec comes back from time traveling. Magnus is always there at the Institute, wearing a mix of worry and eagerness on his features.

The anchoring spell is performed quickly, just a way to make sure that no traveler’s history gets lost when the timelines merge a couple of hours from now. But Alec stays out, always. He refuses to be anchored to anyone but Magnus. They do it in the quiet and intimacy of their loft.

They don’t talk much. Even when they are in their kitchen, Magnus watches in silence as Alec eats like he hasn’t in days, which in this case is accurate. In the two days between meeting Magnus and the new moon, Alec has been so scared of having divulged too much that he hasn’t come out of his room, using nourishment runes, one after the other.

As usual, Magnus doesn’t eat a thing. It has only been a few minutes for him anyway; they had dinner before Alec left. The dinner before a time travel is always a heavy moment. It’s weird for them both. Not sharing time, knowing the next minutes of Magnus’s life could feel like weeks, a month…a decade to Alec.

A decade never happened, but the fear is always there. So, to remind each other that no matter what, Alec will always come back, they keep a third plate for Alec’s return, leaving everything on the table as it was. Alec will always come home, and their home will always be ready to welcome him back.

They don’t really have a lot of time after that. They need to prepare the protecting circle for the anchoring spell, but Alec can see that worry hasn’t left Magnus’s face. As Magnus is tracing the circle on the ground, Alec puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder, calling his name as softly as he can.

They still don’t exchange a word. Alec can’t, knowing that if he starts, he could talk for days, shower Magnus with every promise of eternal love flaring up in his lungs with each intake of breath, with every moment of longing that peppered his last month and a half.

But it will have to wait. In the meantime, fear and worry start evaporating with a soft kiss, then a second one which turns into a hungrier one. That’s all it takes. The reminder that they share time again, they never stopped sharing it in some way.

Clothes are being discarded. They don’t have to feel each other’s skin for the spell, but their hearts do.

Alec finds the ingredients Magnus needs without having to ask. His hands are full of jars, and there is an apple tree twig between his teeth. He feels Magnus’s stare on him when he re-enters the living room where a circle of candles has been set up around a mattress.

What? he asks wordlessly with raised eyebrows.

Magnus sniggers, his voice finally filling the silence. “This never gets old.” He unburdens Alec’s arms by taking the jars one by one and setting them on the nearest table. “You, finding your way through my apothecary…” Alec doesn’t move, chuckling when Magnus finally takes the twig from his mouth and kisses his lips. “On your own…” Fingers trail up along his sides, and he can’t hold back a giggle, “in your underwear.”

“Feels good to be home,” Alec whispers into their kiss.

“It does.”

*

Once the spell starts, everything goes quickly. Time adjusting itself around them is intoxicating. It feels like those life showers Magnus likes to take with him sometimes. Running from portal to portal, hand in hand, hopping from a green and sunny hill to a rainy seashore, from hard concrete ground to silky sheets. Remaining there for a few breathless kisses before disappearing into the mattress with laughter when they hear a door opening. Landing on a trampoline, then more streets, more mountains, more kisses and the sweetest of all exhaustions. Watching the first minutes of a play before falling back, trapped between something fluffy and the comforting weight of Magnus. More laughter, always more laughter…then running again. Running around the world and taking everything in as the Earth keeps on spinning.

*

A draft wakes them at the same time. Alec feels Magnus stir, his arm and head leaving his chest before returning there with a sigh.

Around the mattress and the protecting circle, it’s havoc. The windows to the balcony are wide open, curtains billowing out in the breeze, birds exploring the living room and eating crumbs the wind scattered from their forgotten dinner.

There are even a few plants here and there, growing from the ground. It happens sometimes. It’s Magnus’s magic going a little crazy when it comes to protecting what they have. They are used to it. The flowers that grow don’t even always exist outside their own little world.

Alec plants a kiss in Magnus’s hair, inhaling a scent he has been missing for the last month and a half. Already grinning with delight about what’s to come, Alec eventually speaks. “Go ahead, ask…”

It doesn’t take long for Magnus to react. It’s endearing. Magnus always waits for Alec to start this conversation, making it another ritual with its codes and rules.

“Which stranger were you this time?”

There’s joy in his voice, one that Alec usually doesn’t link with Magnus thinking about his past.

Alec doesn’t answer, already shifting to retrieve the small pouch of sandalwood blend, eager to see his husband’s face light up when he figures it out on his own. But he should know better.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Magnus asks, his body suddenly weighing more heavily above his to make his point clearer. Alec isn’t going anywhere. It makes him laugh softly.

“I have a clue, but it’s in my jacket.”

“Which one?”

“The one I had yesterday? The one you took off with so little regard…”

“Well, there were other important things that demanded my attention,” he punctuates with a kiss, not letting his lips leave Alec’s, “and it’s a black leather jacket. You have thousands of them.”

He could tease him back, maybe tickle him, hear him giggle, feel the laughter and joy spread through his body. With Magnus so close, he would feel everything. But he is overwhelmed.

“I missed you so much, Magnus.”

“I know, darling. But I’m here now, we both are…and I’ve missed you just as much. Whoever you were this time, you can be sure that even though I barely knew you, I missed you the second you were gone. That I missed us without really knowing what us meant.”

Neither of them moves, not even for a kiss. Magnus swallows thicky, and Alec is struck by the emotions on his face. Years of being together and Magnus still feels self-conscious when he confesses things like that. But it never stops him, and even after all these years, Alec still feels like the luckiest man alive.

Magnus continues, his collected tone and loving smile trying to bring Alec back to him. “Do you see it?”

“Huh?”

“Your jacket, Alexander, can you tell me where it is so I can summon it?”

“Sure, it’s…” Alec cranes his neck. Their place is a mess, but he spots his jacket on the floor, somewhere between what seems to be an orchid and a cat napping in a morning sunbeam. “There.”

They laugh as Magnus follows Alec’s pointed finger, apparently realizing for the first time the state of their living room.

He snaps his fingers, and the jacket is there. In one of its pockets, Alec finds the small pouch. It doesn’t take more than a few seconds for Magnus to recognize it.

“It’s one of mine! Where did you get this?”

“You gave it to me.”

“I gave it to you? You must have made a big impression on me.”

“I think I did,” Alec smirks, still a little worried that he told too much to that past version of Magnus. “Especially when I told you about my husband.”

He sees Magnus’s eyes widen, just like they did all those centuries ago.

“The married traveler, of course… Do you know how long I’ve been looking for you? For a long time, I was obsessed with that place in the world where it seemed possible for people like us to exist.” His voice breaks a little on those words.

Alec can’t resist the urge to hug him, take him in his arms and secure his head in the crook of his neck. “I’m sorry. It broke my heart to leave you this way.”

“Don’t. Don’t be sorry. I kept a very fond memory of that encounter. And who knows, maybe you’ll have to go back, and we’ll realize we met again in the morning.”

“Maybe we never really stopped meeting.”

“What a lovely thought…”

They bask in the silence for a little while, Magnus’s body relaxing against Alec’s.

“Can you remind me what happened? What we said?”

It’s still so fresh in Alec’s mind that he tells him every detail.

The anchoring spell protects those moments, frozen in time. They have so many memories like this one now, not really knowing if it really happened, if this is part of their story or some sort of alternate reality. It doesn’t matter. They are still here, together in the end, with dozens of memories of a life that maybe was. None of them affecting their life, only adding to it.

Somewhere during the story, Magnus rolled on his side to face Alec.

“When did we see each other after that?” Magnus asks.

It gets complicated to answer that question, Alec doesn’t time travel every day, but he has done it a few times already. It’s not always easy to keep track.

“The pirate ship!” They exclaim at the same time, laughing at the memory.

Alec reaches out, grazing Magnus’s cheekbone, outlining his jaw and diving into his eyes. They sparkle with joy, gold shining proudly in the morning light.

“It feels good,” Alec eventually utters. “Seeing you talking about your past with such lightness, laughing.”

Magnus whispers his answer into the crook of Alec’s neck. “It’s easier now that I know you could be anywhere in it.”

The words turn into soft kisses, each of them reminding Alec why those time travels are always worth it, no matter how long they can feel. Each of them is a chance to give Magnus back what life took from him. Hope, happiness, laughter, cheerfulness…

“You really are a man of your word, aren’t you?” Magnus continues.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re taking our wedding vows further than I would ever dare ask you to, Alexander… As if your love in our present wasn’t enough, you give it to past versions of myself too, do you realize how extraordinary this is? How extraordinary you are?”

“‘m not. Loving you is easy.”

“Stop selling yourself short, my heart, and accept to be worshipped like you deserve to be.”

“Only if you accept it too.” Alec tastes the giggle on Magnus’s lips, letting it infuse in him. He doesn’t need to see him to notice the sudden stiffness in Magnus. “What is it?” he asks, his fingers rubbing soothing circles at the back of Magnus’s hair.

His answer comes in a murmur. “I know it’s selfish, but I’ll never have enough of your lifetime. Whether it’s to repay you or to love you. It will never be enough.” He sighs, his next words barely audible. But it doesn’t matter. Alec would hear those words even in a storm. “I need you for more than your lifetime.”

Magnus has never said it like this, never so directly. It makes Alec’s reply so much easier. “Then, maybe we should find a way to extend it?” Any tentativeness dies when Alec is met by two golden irises and a smile that has rarely been so big. “I never want to leave you alone. I mean, if you’re being selfish, I may just as well be too, right?”

“Yes, yes you may be, darling… You can be whatever you want.”

“I love you.” It’s impossible to stop beaming at Magnus in this moment, so he doesn’t. They will have forever, no matter how long it takes to find it. “Who you are, who you were, and who you will be. I’ll love every version of you as long as you’ll have me.”

“Oh Alexander… An eternity or two is a bare minimum.”

[floralseokjin]

;good2me (m)

Hoseok has been your friend and one of your roommates for over a year. That’s fine by you. In fact, most of the time he’s getting on your last nerve, even though you love him half to death. He’d agree. But soon you both find out there’s a very thin line between friendship and potential lovers... Are you prepared to cross it? 

pairing; jung hoseok x reader (slight kim seokjin x reader)  genre/warnings; friends to lovers (idiots to lovers), roommate au, bartender! hoseok, romance, bearable angst, a small infidelity, some mature content, implied smut  words; 15,351

author’s note; i started watching new girl again and got inspired by jess and nick’s relationship! Late, but for hoseok’s birthday 🥺💖

“Ohhh!” Hoseok hollered as you walked into the living area, looking up from where he was sat on the couch, flicking through the television. “Mama’s looking sexy!”

“Thank you. She is,” you said, trying to put on your best sexy voice. You did a little spin, before squeezing your cleavage up. “Got a little breast on show. A little booty if I bend over at a ninety degree angle.” You didn’t bend over the whole way, but he got the picture. 

He laughed, genuinely amused. “What is the occasion?” 

Trying to keep your bashful smile away, you failed. Big style. “Seokjin’s taking me out on our very first official date.” 

“Where to? Somewhere fancy no doubt.” 

“It’s a surpriseee.” 

You were giddy. Had been all day. You and Seokjin were finally happening, after all this time. Three months ago it seemed impossible. You had met in a quite unsavoury way, as in, you’d been determined to go out that night and have a one night stand. The one night stand had sure happened, but make that a multiple night stand. 

It was just casual sex for a few weeks. You didn’t know much about one another—more detail would mean this thing would just get deeper, and it was supposed to be the most casual of casual. You had come out of a longterm relationship at the start of the year, nearly 30 and very unsure what to do now when it came to dating. You’d met a couple of guys along the way, but you kept making the same mistake. You kept getting into relationships with them. You were sick of being Serious Sue, you wanted to be Fun Fanny. The nickname wasn’t the most desirable and you quickly stopped announcing that to potential hook ups you found at the bar. (Hoseok said you were giving off vibes you really didn’t want to be giving off.) 

Seokjin was a bit of a closed book back then, you didn’t know his story, why he wanted to keep things so casual. The guy was super sweet, really attentive and amazing in bed, but you didn’t pry. He hadn’t asked for your history, so you didn’t ask for his. Until you found out he was a doctor. A kid’s doctor. Or if you wanted to be official, a paediatrician. The dude was actually perfect, and that’s how you started to fall. 

It didn’t end well. When you confessed your feelings and implied you wanted more, he took off. He was sorry about it, apologised profusely, but he still left. You were heartbroken. But not just because of the rejection. It was because you’d fucked up again, wanted something serious, even though you’d sworn this thing with Seokjin was just a hook up. 

You managed to shake your dark mood, but you couldn’t shake the fact it felt like Seokjin was the one that got away. The one who was husband material if the situation had been different. It still felt like that nearly two months later when you ran into him at a Christmas party. However, to your surprise, he came at you with a thousand apologies. He couldn’t stop thinking about you, couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d let go. He couldn’t concentrate the regret was so deep. He’d just come out of a shitty relationship when he’d met you, he’d gotten hurt and the idea of getting into a fresh relationship so soon had half frightened him to death. But the truth was he really liked you and wanted to be with you. He wanted something serious now, but he totally understood if you told him where to go. 

You very nearly did. You’d put your heart on the line once and he’d stomped all over it. Maybe it was just the stubbornness in you, seeing as you’d secretly held out for this. You’d needed time to think and Seokjin understood. It was actually Hoseok in the end who’d encouraged you to give it a shot. He knew you were frightened of getting hurt, but you deserved happiness and Seokjin could give that to you. (The dude’s perfect, were his exact words. And rich. Bag him now, before I do.) 

“Well, have a great time,” Hoseok grinned, taking a moment to get another look at you. “You look stunning. He’s gonna be blown away.” 

Your phone dinged in your hand. It was Seokjin, he’d just pulled up. “That’s him now.” Your voice was an unusual pitch. All high and excited. You were nearly at the door when you stopped, remembering what you wanted to tell Hoseok before you’d gotten distracted. You turned back. “Thank you again, Hobi.” 

He groaned. “Quit thanking me. I just gave you my opinion. You’re the one who made the decision.” 

You nodded, smiling softly. You were a broken record by now. “I don’t think I’ll be coming home tonight so don’t wait up.” 

“Ew.” He wrinkled his nose, feigning disgust. “Get out of here!” 

You laughed and opened the door to leave. Yeah, you were big style getting laid tonight. “Have fun with the guys!” You called, managing to get a grunt in reply. 

Living with three males was interesting, to say the least. Definitely not how you imagined seeing in your thirties. But when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. Life had dealt you a lot of lemons (Read: blows. Lemons = blows) these past twelve months. The breakdown of your eight year relationship had resulted in you moving out of the home you shared. Living with your best friend Joy had been fine at first, but it was always a temporary thing in your mind. That’s how you found yourself here, in loft 4a, living with three guys. Your mother had always told you not to trust an ad on Craigslist, but she lived 100 miles away. What she didn’t know wouldn’t harm her. 

There was Hoseok, of course, who you were closest with. It didn’t make any sense, most of the time you were like chalk and cheese. He was hard to read, kind of judge-y on a bad day, but somehow he got you the most. Maybe it was because just before you’d moved in he’d gone through his own similar breakup. Another long term relationship with a woman you’d meant once when she was picking up some of the things she’d left at the loft. You hadn’t known him well back then, but now you did, and you’d seen first-hand what the separation had done to him. It made him insecure. In himself, in his capabilities and in his job. He worked in a bar down the road, had for a few years after he dropped out of law school, and even though he’d never said it outright, you think that was the parting dig Minah, the ex, had left him with when she’d walked out. But despite that, Hoseok could be fun and easy to be around. That’s why you liked him the most. Because he’d always made you feel comfortable. Right from the beginning. 

Next, there was Yoongi. A radio host for the local station in your area. You might think he was aloof if you didn’t know him any better, but the guy was very much similar to a cat. Slight in his affection but that just made it all the more sincere. You’d never forget the time he’d kicked out this lame-o you’d thought you were exclusively dating, when in fact it turned out he was seeing three other girls too. Yoongi found you in tears in the living room, jerkface trying to apologise for the misunderstanding. He was out on his ass in under five seconds. From that night on you knew to call him a friend, much to his chagrin. He was a big softy really, and very loyal. That’s why Joy had fallen for him pretty early on. One introduction, a few weeks later and Bam! They were an item. There went her vow to never date a guy shorter than her. Plus, Yoongi was very smug about dating a model. Thought all his Christmas’ had come at once. But yeah, they were very much in love now. Pretty sickening really…

And last but not least, there was Namjoon. He was the brains of the group. The only one with a master’s degree, and the only one with a “proper” job. A high school science teacher. Well, technically you were a teacher too, but it wasn’t particularly the same when you taught a bunch of adults creative writing. Namjoon was the sensible one. The one who kept the lid on everyone’s antics when they were in fear of getting out of control. Although boy could be erratic when he wanted to be. More often now that the woman he’d been dating on and off for six months had finally ended things. Heartbroken Namjoon was not fun. Nor was the depressing music he played at 2am in the morning. But you were there for him because you loved him. You, Hoseok and Yoongi. 

3 guys, one girl. Best friends until the end, living in loft 4a. 

Ew. It could be a sitcom. 

“I don’t understand why you had to meet me outside,” Hoseok said to you. “I work here, it’s not like this place is new to me.” 

You hummed, not really wanting to answer him, but also severely distracted. It was a good few weeks later now, winter was pretty much over, life had long and resumed after  Christmas. In fact, it was the middle of February and today was Hoseok’s birthday. The last but one of you to turn the dreaded three-oh. You were pretty nervous right now, inside the bar a whole bunch of people ready to celebrate. Hoseok thought it was just you, the guys and Joy joining him for a few drinks… There was minor detail you’d left out and ignored: Hoseok hated surprises.  

Walking through the bar entrance first, leading the way for obvious reasons, you were met with darkness. Hoseok stopped dead behind you, and you heard him mutter oh, god, aghast. Your stomach dropped out of your ass but you flicked on the lights, yelling SURPRISE! with the rest of the partygoers filling the dingy room. 

“Happy 30th birthday, Hobi!” You exclaimed, hugging into him slightly. You pulled back, a grin on your face, eyes wide as you tried to gauge his reaction. He wouldn’t make a scene, surely? You watched with slight dread as he tried to stretch one across his face too. His eyes were piercing though. Piercing into you with complete and utter disbelief. You then watched as he turned his head and addressed his guests. “Thanks, guys. What a lovely surprise…”

Frick. He was definitely using his fake voice. 

.

.

“What is this?” Hoseok hissed at you. He’d finally been able to corner you an hour in, and you stood huddled together by the restrooms. “I told you I didn’t want a big deal. You said it was just going to be a few lowkey drinks at the bar!” 

“It is,” you insisted, before muttering that next part. “Just with an added 20 more people…” 

“I don’t even know half of them!” He looked around the room, and you joined him. 

Okay, you had to admit, after the first five people you’d added to the list it was pretty hard to think of more. In the end you’d had to improvise. Invite acquaintances or just even friends of a friend… You wouldn’t admit that though. “Sure you do,” you shrugged. “There’s Yoongi and Joy.” 

“She’s your best friend.” 

“There’s Namjoon.” 

“They don’t count.” He frustrated. “They were supposed to be here! It was just supposed to be them!” 

“There’s Mrs. Choi from our building–”

“You invited a 60 year old lady to my birthday?” 

She had a soft spot for him. Of course she should be here. “There’s Brian, your-your boss…” You admit by now you were struggling. 

“He’s just here because he works every night.” 

“There’s…” You glanced around again, desperate to see a familiar face of Hoseok’s. Finally, you found someone. “THERE’S NARA!” You shouted pretty loudly, excitement taking over. She drunk at the bar a few nights a week. Hoseok had become a little enamoured. 

He jerked his head in her direction. She was sat in a booth with Yoongi, Joy and Namjoon. The latter chatting away with her. “Oh, my god. You invited Nara?!” 

“Of course I did. You like her.” 

“No, I don’t.” He was quick to refute. “I don’t like her. How do you know I like her?” He was also quick to give in. 

“You find a way to bring her into conversation every single time. Ask Yoongi.” 

He sighed dramatically, rubbing his his temples. “Well, that’s just great. Now she knows I’m 30. She knows I’m old!” 

“Shut up,” you scoffed. “She’s close to 30 too.” 

His head shot up. “You know her age?” 

“Yes. I know a lot about her.” You smirked, feeling powerful. “In the five minute conversation we had while I was inviting her, I found out way more than you have in the past three weeks you’ve been into her.” 

“I like to take my time.” He fumed. You were close to bickering, you could feel it. Hoseok said you were a butt-er in-er. You took control of things that weren’t your job. This was probably a classic example. However, this time around he relented. He wanted in on this info. He lowered his voice, leaning in. “What did you find out?” 

You shrugged, pretty nonchalant. If it wasn’t his birthday you’d make him pay you ten bucks for the facts. “Her surname. Her age. Where she was born. She prefers cats over dogs. LOVE that,” you exclaimed. Hoseok rolled his eyes, speeding you up with hand motions. “She’s only had one serious relationship in her life. Kinda like me. Although, who knows now that me and Seokjin are an item.” 

You found yourself easily on a tangent. Your relationship with Seokjin the biggest distraction in your life right now. Things were going amazing. Just over six weeks in and you were finding that domestic bliss you and your ex never had. 

“I don’t care about your life. I care about mine.” Hoseok rudely interrupted. “What else did you find out?” 

You glared at him but replied. “Not a lot after that. Bottom line is I love her. We’re a lot alike actually.” 

“No, you are not,” he insisted, a little bit of nausea in his face. You knew better than to get offended. “Hey, how did you find this all out in five minutes?” 

You tipped your shoulders. “People feel comfortable around me. They can open up, y’know?” 

He grunted in response, before his eyes widened in horror, thinking of something. “You didn’t tell her I like her, did you?”

“No,” you scoffed. “What do you take me for? An idiot?” The look he gave you was a yes. You rolled your eyes and grabbed him by the shoulders. “You’re going to tell her. Tonight. That’s why I invited her.” 

He swallowed, now looking scared. Talking to girls was never his forte. The last “relationship” he’d had since the big breakup had lasted four weeks. He had a lot to learn. You tapped his back encouragingly and he gave you a tight nod. Damn, maybe he really was about to get his flirty flirt on with this woman. You smiled at him and he looked around the bar one last time, shaking his head with a chuckle as he realised something. “God. You threw me a party at the bar I work at.” 

When would you ever win?! 

.

.

An hour later you were making your way back to the apartment. Hoseok in tow. You wanted to convince yourself it was because you could see the party wasn’t his style at all. You mean, you could see that, but the real reason you were in the elevator right now was because you’d been hit with another, even better idea. In fact, you wished you’d just thought of this first. 

“They’ll be fine back there. They won’t miss you,” you tried to reassure Hoseok, stepping out into the hallway. 

“Gee. That makes me feel so amazing on my birthday. Thank you.” Sarcasm all day, everyday. You didn’t deserve it. “Thank you for gathering a bunch of strangers to celebrate that I am one step closer to death.” 

See? It hadn’t been that hard to get him outside and convince him to walk you home because you were feeling a little lightheaded. It was like taking candy from he baby. Hoseok was dumb. 

“What happened to you?” You glared his way. “The guys always tell me you were so full of life before I moved in.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “I think you’ve answered the question yourself there.” 

You tutted, letting it go over his head. “Thirty is not bad, at all. I turned it a few months ago and I’ve just felt amazing ever since.” 

“You cried all day.” 

Goddamnit. “They were happy tears. Now,” you changed the subject, because yes, he was calling you out, but also he was pulling out his key, about to let himself in. You pushed him to the side, grabbing yours from your purse. “Just let me go do it,” you announced loudly. Almost like you wanted someone to hear you. “Just getting my key. Pushing it in the lock.” You continued the description. “Arriving home!” 

“What are you doing? What’s going on?” He was bound to be suspicious. You weren’t exactly being discreet. 

“Nothing.” You shook your head, now pushing the door open. 

“Nothing? I—

“SURPRISE!” 

Hoseok didn’t have a chance to finish his sentence, door swinging open to reveal the guys. Namjoon pushed forward to slip a ’30 Years Old’ banner over his head, and he had the audacity to glare at you. 

“I specifically said don’t make this birthday a big deal and instead you throw me TWO surprise parties in the span of a couple hours.” He was in disbelief. “Don’t you listen to a word I say?!” 

“This is a better one though.” You whined. “The one I originally should’ve planned. It’s just friends.” 

“Hi again,” a little voice sounded from behind Namjoon. 

“And Nara.” You grinned, watching Hoseok’s face light up a little. “See Nara came. I invited Nara.” Success. Namjoon had followed instructions. Get the woman into the apartment. 

Hoseok finally smiled at you, stepping inside the loft. “Nara came! Hi, Nara!”  You’d take that as his seal of approval then. This place was much better for getting to know her. He’d failed miserably at the bar, you wouldn’t allow it here. You were going to play matchmaker tonight. 

“Baby!” 

The sound of Seokjin’s voice in the hall distracted you, and you shrieked a little when you saw him walking towards you, dressed in all black. “Yay, Seokjin! You made it.” He hugged you straight away, landing a kiss on your lips. 

“We managed to get someone else in for the night. I escaped.” He cheered, still holding your waist as he turned his head towards Hoseok. “Happy Birthday, man.” 

“Thanks, Jin,” he smiled, before shooting a misplaced compliment. “You’re looking very handsome. As always.” 

You rolled your eyes, laughing a little as Seokjin pulled a confused face at you. “Ignore him, he’s already a little buzzed.” You still didn’t understand Hoseok’s obsession with your boyfriend’s looks. But the guy wasn’t wrong, Seokjin did indeed look very handsome tonight. As always. 

You glanced around the room, Yoongi and Joy had managed to put up some balloons and a banner in record time after you’d frantically text them the plan half an hour ago. Alcohol stood on the dining table, a few snacks in bowls. Definitely Joy’s doing. You clapped your hands. “Music please! Let’s get this party started!” 

The room erupted into cheers. 

.

.

“Okay, I have an idea,” you yelled into the room. It was over an hour in now. This party was popping, much better than the one happening in bar you bet. You were drunk. Not wasted or anything, but definitely merry. “Let’s play spin the bottle!” 

You’d already played Pass the Balloon, thinking of games from when you were a teenager in desperation as you tried to hook Hoseok and Nara up. The balloon one was going well until Namjoon and her had found themselves in some difficulty. Then it was just a wasted ten minutes as you watched them fail to give in. At least Joon was having fun though, it had been a while since you’d seen him have fun, let alone laugh. 

“We’re not in high school,” Hoseok grumbled from beside you.

Nara piped up from the kitchen. “I think’ll be fun.” 

“Yeah. Yeah. Cool.” Hoseok soon changed his tune. “I think it’ll be fun too. Cool.” 

“Great!” You took the bottle Seokjin had been drinking from and swigged the last bit much to his amusement. You hadn’t told him what you were up to yet, but he was going along with your crazy ideas anyway. He always watched you with fondness, which was sweet considering he also called you the wackiest person he knew. 

“Everyone, get in a circle and sit!” You ordered. They listened. You grabbed Hoseok just before he took off. “You, come here.” Dragging him out into the hall that lead to your bedrooms you tried your best to whisper. “Sit next to Nara.” 

“Huh?” 

God. Was he dumb? “I’m helping you here. Setting you up.” 

“I don’t need you to,” he exasperated. “I got this.” 

You knew for a fact he didn’t “got this”. “It’ll be your turn first, birthday boy n’ all.” You carried on like you hadn’t heard him. “Spin it ever so slightly.” 

“That’s so obvious.” 

“You want to make it obvious.” 

He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Fine.” 

You smiled in triumph, grabbing him by the arm. “Remember: ever so slightly!” And with that you dragged him towards the circle. You were pretty feisty when you needed to be. 

“It’s Hobi’s turn first because he’s the birthday boy,” you told everyone as you pushed him down between Nara and Joy. You sat to Nara’s left; convenient to keep an eye on everything, plus you were next to Seokjin too.   

“It’s so cute how you call him Hobi,” Nara commented, leaning into you with a smile. 

“Oh, really?” You were a little caught off guard. “Everyone calls him that. No big deal.” You tried to think if that was true… You must’ve heard it from somewhere else why would you have started calling him that…?

“Are there rules?” Joy asked. 

“Yes! Rules!” You suddenly realised. You racked your brains. Hoseok and Nara couldn’t kiss in front of everyone. That would just be odd. Hm, maybe this was too obvious. “Whoever the bottle lands on, that’s who you kiss! But there’s a twist. It has to be in my closet.” 

“You got cameras in there or something?” Namjoon piped up, Nara laughed loudly. 

“No,” you said slowly. “Because it’s the biggest. You can’t come out until the deed is done.” 

“Isn’t that like seven minutes in heaven?” Yoongi asked. 

“Yoongi, just shut up and listen.” Why couldn’t people just be excited? You were trying to hook up their friend! “It’s not like that because I don’t want people having sex in my closet.” You nudged Nara and giggled. She slowly laughed back, a little confused. You caught Hoseok shooting you a look but ignored him.

“Kissing only,” you continued. “And we need photographic evidence.”

“What?” Hoseok sounded like he was about to run off any moment. 

“Just a quick pic,” you shrugged. If truth be told, you wanted Hoseok to have the memory of when you set him up with the girl of his dreams forever. That way he could always thank you. 

“Is the guy to girl ratio a little skewed?” Yoongi pointed out. “I’m not kissing Joon.” 

You ignored him. “TONGUES.” You shouted instead, clapping your hands. “Almost forgot to specify: tongues!” 

“I’m not tonguing anyone bar my girlfriend.” Yoongi was adamant. 

“Whatever.” You sighed. Didn’t he realise this wasn’t about him? You didn’t care who he tongued or didn’t tongue. It was about who Hoseok tongued! 

You stretched over and handed the bottle to him. “Hoseok, spin.” You were careful not to use your, no, the, nickname. There was nothing cute about it. 

“Okay. Kinda nervous.” He was practically shouting. If this was his way of trying to sound casual, he was failing. “Don’t want to mess it up.” Thinking about it, this was a very stupid idea. He was about to spin a bottle four inches to the left. You watched feeling a little sick. 

The sick feeling turned to one of horror in a nanosecond. You watched in slow motion as the bottle passed Nara. It wasn’t four inches, it was eight. He’d landed on you. 

“No.” Hoseok spoke into the room. The denial was strong. “No. No. Nope. No.” 

You could hear the room cheering. Yoongi laughing, saying something about how amazing this was. The game had backfired on you. But in truth you weren’t really listening, too busy having a minor breakdown. 

You looked at a Hoseok. “No.” He said it back. You looked around at everyone else, eyes wide. In denial and begging for someone to say you didn’t have to do it. “No. No. HA,” you forced a laugh. “I have a boyfriend. I can’t kiss anyone else.” 

“If you were going to make me kiss Joon, you’re kissing Hoseok.” 

“Baby, it’s just a game,” Seokjin chuckled, hooking his arm around your shoulders. “It’s fine.” 

“No.” You were adamant. “I would call that cheating. Wouldn’t you?” 

“I would.” Hoseok piped up. At least someone was on your side. No one listened to him. 

“Relax.” Seokjin rubbed the back of your neck. “Come here.” He dipped his head, capturing your mouth in a soft kiss before pulling away and winking. “That’s to remember me. Now get on in there!” 

The guy physically hauled you up. You perfect boyfriend had no problem with this. Damn him. Damn him for being so reasonable and laid back. Yoongi made a beeline for Hoseok. The glee on his face was pretty frightening. 

“To the closest! To the closet! To the closet!” The chanting wasn’t necessary, but it happened any way. Frog marched into your bedroom and pushed into the closet. Surrounded in pitch black before you reached for the light switch. 

“You overshot it,” you hissed. 

“I was under pressure!” Yelling in whispers was hard. “You do not know how stressful it was!” 

You groaned, rubbing your hands all over your face. “Don’t do that you look like The Scream.” Hoseok commented.

You shot him a look before stomping your feet and pointing a finger at him. “I can’t believe this. You were supposed to be in here with Nara!” 

“Why the hell did you sit next to her?” 

“I don’t know. To keep an eye on you!” In hindsight it was a very bad idea, but what would have happened if you hadn’t? Hoseok would be in here with Seokjin? That was even more weird! 

“You guys kissing yet?” Yoongi asked through the door. You could almost see his Lenny face. 

“Oh, god,” Hoseok muttered. He sounded faint. 

“Yeah. We did it!” You yelled back. You were getting you both out of here. “Was super wet. Hoseok has a freakishly long tongue. Yuck.” 

“Hey. No, I don’t.” 

“Send the pic. Did you take a pic?” Yoongi sounded way too excited. 

Shit. The stupid picture?! Why did you even come up with that rule… “Oh, would you look at that. I didn’t hit the button. Oh well, doesn’t matter,” you shrugged, moving to turn the door handle. It didn’t budge. Almost like someone was holding it shut. “Hey, let us out!!” You yelled. 

“No evidence, no escaping.” That was Namjoon. He sounded overly amused. 

“Namjoon!” You shrieked in surprise. You twisted and tugged on the handle, hoping you he would relent, give up so you could get the hell out of here. “Let us out. Let us out! I’m claustrophobic!”

“Kiss and take the pic!” Joy shouted. 

Joy?! That was it! Friendship over. Come to think of it, where was Seokjin? Maybe you could appeal to him. He’d give in surely. You were about to open your mouth when fresh chanting started. “KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!” It was so loud you swear you’d wake up with a noise compliant. But more importantly, you could hear Seokjin’s voice along with the rest. Goddamnit. You were really going to have to kiss Hoseok. 

You turned back to him, defeat on your face. He’d been oddly quiet since you’d tried escaping. “Let’s just do it,” he shrugged. 

“What?” You mean, you’d been planning on saying the same thing, but you’d thought it would take some cajoling. 

“Get your phone out. Let’s just get it over with,” he told you. “You want to get out of here, right?” 

“Okay.” You nodded, telling yourself it would be fine. “Yeah, we’ll just kiss. It’s no biggie.” 

“Nope, no biggie.” He stepped closer. You were suddenly sweating. It was really hot in here and you swear the floor was shaking because of how rowdy they were being outside. 

“Hey, remember when I saw your boob that one time?” Hoseok laughed. “It popped right out of your towel when you were talking to me as I brushed my teeth.” He made a popping sound to emphasise, his hand flopping from his chest in an unnecessary reenactment

That had actually been particularly mortifying for you. Especially seeing as it was only a month into living with the guys and you’d just flashed a boob accidentally. “What does that have to do with anything?” 

He looked at you, releasing his mistake. “It doesn’t. Just if I’ve seen your boob, I can kiss you.” There was no correlation at all. You wanted to point that out but now he was a few inches from your face. You were going crosseyed trying to look at him. “Okay, let’s do this,” he murmured. 

“Ew. What did you just do?” You startled, stepping back. 

“Huh?” 

“You licked your lips.” He’d licked his lips and moved forward. He was about to put his wet ones on your normal ones. 

“Of course I did. Do you want dry lips?” 

“Yes! I want dry lips,” you insisted. 

He pulled a face, more than puzzled. “These things can get pretty chapped, but ok.” Before you could say anything else he had his hands on your face, lunging closer with his eyes closed. 

“No. No.” You ducked from his grip, darting to the other side of the closet. Had it always been that small in here? You used to think it was massive. 

Hoseok sighed. “What now?” 

“You cupped my face. You did this thing with your eyes.” 

“What, closed them?!” 

“Don’t kiss me with your eyes closed.” 

“So you want to be staring at each other the whole time?” He thought you were crazy. Could tell by the tone of his voice. He exhaled, voice calmer when he spoke again. “You don’t want to kiss me, do you?” 

“Of course I don’t. It’s weird as hell.” You caught the look on his face. “Oh, come on. You cannot be offended. Does the idea of kissing me not gross you out?” 

“No, it doesn’t gross me out. That’s a bit drastic.” 

God, he was not guilt tripping you right now. It worked anyway. “Fine! Let’s kiss.” He looked startled, probably feeling dizzy by your back and forth. “C’mon. Kiss me, Jung.” He didn’t budge. You started chanting. It was the only way. “Kiss me! Kiss me! Kiss me!” 

“Ok, okay.” He yelled over you. “Shut the hell up.” You continued. You always did like pissing him off. 

In a split second he was in front of you. “Come here.” His cupped your face again and you instantly shut up. Your eyes were locked on his, and in this pretty dismal lighting he looked beautiful. It made your insides feel funny. For a moment there you caught yourself puckering. You caught yourself actually wanting to kiss him, and then in the blink of an eye it was gone. Almost like it never happened. He murmured your name and pulled away, shaking his head 

“What?” 

“I can’t do this,” he admitted. “It’s too weird.” 

“Ha! See!” You were triumphant. “It is weird!” 

He shook his head again, chuckling quietly. “No, I mean… This is not how it’s supposed to go.” 

“What?” There was silence. He didn’t try to elaborate. “Supposed to go?” No matter how much you tried to make sense of that, nothing worked. “How’s it supposed to go, Hoseok?” 

“Forget it. I didn’t say anything,” he tried to backtrack. “It came out wrong.” 

“Hoseok.” He didn’t tell you. He just stared at you, unable or unwilling. “Hobi—p”

“You guys win.” You were interrupted as the door burst open, Yoongi grumbling like a giant baby. 

You blinked rapidly, not used to the bright lights. Everything felt a little weird, like you’d been in that closest for years. You walked out first, not looking behind you. You felt a little shaken up. You couldn’t explain why. 

Seokjin wrapped his arms around your shoulders and laughed. “We were sick of waiting.” He smelt of beer and his eyes were unfocused. You hadn’t realised before but he was drunk. Way more than you were. 

“Get back in the circle,” Namjoon ordered, leading the way. God, this game was still going to continue? You’d all be here until tomorrow morning. “You guys are spoilsports.” 

“What’s a little kissing among friends?” Yoongi piped up, which was rich coming from him. “Okay, Nara’s turn,” he said once everyone had gotten back into place. She took the bottle eagerly. “Spin it, girl!” 

You all watched it go. You totally forgot to pray it landed on Hoseok until it was too late. The room erupted into cheers and wolf whistles as it stopped and your heart sunk. 

“NAMJOON!!” Yoongi yelled. “Get it, Kim!” 

You shot Hoseok an apologetic look. 

.

.

“Hey.” You said, stopping by the sofa where Hoseok sat. “I’m sorry about tonight.”

It was a fewhours later, the party was over and you were in your pyjamas ready for bed. Seokjin was already tucked up on his side and you’d just gone to get a glass of water. You didn’t want a headache in the morning. You were surprised to see Hoseok still awake and in the living room. 

He shook his head, laughing a little. “It’s fine. I actually kinda enjoyed it in a strange way.” 

“You did?” 

“Yup. What better way to see 30 in. Trapped in a closet with you.” 

You laughed at his silliness, making your way over to the sink to fill up your glass. You gulped the water down, thinking to yourself. You didn’t care if he was just trying to make you feel better. You were still relieved he hadn’t totally hated it. There were worse people to be stuck in a closet with. You hoped. 

As you placed the now empty glass down a faint banging appeared. Like something hitting against a wall. It got louder and then slowed away. “What’s that?” You asked Hoseok, turning around and genuinely puzzled. 

“Oh, that,” Hoseok chuckled. “That’s Namjoon and Nara. He’s giving it to her good. Real good.” 

Your mouth dropped open, just as the banging re-emerged. Yes, it was definitely coming from his room. His headboard. Then the guilt kicked in. “Oh my god. Hobi, I’m so sorry.” How had this happened? How had you not seen the signs? It was pretty obvious now, thinking back, Nara had been totally into Namjoon. All that hushed talking, giggling and touching. The game of spin the bottle. That girl had rigged her own spin for it to land on him. Only she’d been a good shot. Hoseok on the other hand… 

Hoseok raised his hand, brushing your apologies away. “He asked for permission. He needs this.” Maybe so. This was the first woman Joon had shown an interest in after Sookie. Hoseok was too understanding.  “Besides, I oddly don’t care.” 

Or maybe not. 

“You don’t?” You instantly kicked yourself for prying. Prying and being nosey had been the downfall of this night. Yet here you were itching for more info. 

“Yeah, I just…” He trailed off and shrugged. “Maybe I don’t like Nara that much. It was just a stupid crush. No big deal.” 

You didn’t know what to say. You wanted to ask what made him change his mind so suddenly? Made him realise? But that seemed inappropriate. You nodded instead, letting him know you got it, and turned to leave. “Goodnight.” 

“Wait,” he called. “Hold up.” He jumped up and you turned to face him again, waiting like he’d asked. “I want to say sorry too. I made that weird. The game.”

“Oh.” The closet. The awkwardness had slowly disappeared through the night and now you had a sickly feeling it was about to come back. If the look on his face was anything to go by. 

“What I meant was,” he was talking slow, a little stunted. “If I was ever going to kiss you, it wouldn’t be like that. Because of some stupid game.” 

His words took a moment to process. Perhaps you had another hundred questions to ask but they seemed impossible. You should just take what he said and accept it. The game was over and you’d never play it again. You’d never get in a closet with him again. You felt strange, but you didn’t admit that. Instead you smiled. “Okay.” 

That feeling was creeping back. The one from the closet, when he’d been holding your face and staring into your eyes. The one where he’d looked so good under that weird yellow light. Hoseok was handsome, you’d always thought so, but in a way where you’d never actually thought of it, if that made sense… In that closet, you’d thought it. 

“Come on, I’ll walk with you,” he told you, interrupting the butterflies in your stomach. You walked side by side, down the corridor. Your rooms were directly opposite one another. Had you pointed that out before?  

You stopped when he did, forcing yourself to say something. It was just Hoseok. You talked to him all the time. You yelled at him all the time. And laughed, and fooled around. He was your friend. “I promise I’ll make next year’s birthday better.” 

He smiled gently, head tilted, voice soft. “You don’t have to promise me anything. Night.” 

“Goodnight, Hobi.” 

You made to turn, hand nearly on the door handle, but then he pulled you back. One hand reaching for yours, the other curling around your waist. Your mouths met in such a rush you didn’t realise until you felt the warmth of his tongue. It was passionate and eager. The kind of kiss you see in the movies, where no one comes up for air, where their bodies move on their own accord. 

There were no thoughts, just feelings. The feeling of how good this was, and how much it took your breath away. The feeling of his lips on yours and how you should’ve been feeling them a long time ago. The feeling of his arms wrapped around your waist, clutching you tight, and yours around his shoulders, holding him close. 

When you finally pulled away, no choice but to, you were trembling. Boneless. Hs breath fanned across your face and you were sad. You wanted more. You wanted to kiss him all night. Slowly, more deliberately, you pushed your lips against his, savouring the feel. He kissed you back just as softly before breaking away for good. 

“That’s how it would go,” he murmured. He was breathing heavily. “How I imagined it to be.”

And that he was gone. To his room, door shut. 

You stood there dazed, lips tingling and you brought your fingers out to touch them. There was silence all around you, and slowly, the haze began to lift. In its wake brought panic and guilt. Seokjin. Your boyfriend was asleep just behind the door.

What had you done? 

You got hardly any sleep. Your brain wouldn’t switch off. The guilt twisting your gut, even more so when you kept thinking of the kiss and how good it was, and how short lived it was. Seokjin centimetres away from you, clueless. You rose early. Everyone else was still asleep, the loft silent. Still in your pyjamas you poured yourself some cereal and sat on at the counter, munching away sombrely. 

Hoseok was the first to wake up. Of course. You should’ve just stayed inside your room, but you couldn’t bear to be near Seokjin. He strolled into the living room casually, making his way to the kitchen. You tried to ignore the way your stomach flipped because you didn’t know what it meant. Were you angry, panicked, something else? 

“Good morning.” He greeted casually. 

Angry. You were angry. It rushed up your body. How dare he be so casual. As if nothing had happened. “Seriously? Good morning?” You retorted. He was making himself a coffee. “What’s good about it, Hoseok? You kissed me last night!” 

He gave a little shrug. “I know I did.” 

You were flabbergasted by his gall. Had to force yourself to continue. “Well,” you stared at him. “Aren’t you going to explain yourself?” 

“I already did.” He spoke simply. “I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to show you how I would kiss you.” 

Nope. You weren’t feeling guilty over this any longer. Not when he was acting so unfazed. He was the one who had kissed you. This was his doing. And he didn’t care at all. “To what? Prove a point?” You demanded. 

He scoffed, dropping a teaspoon into the sink. “No, not to prove a point.” He turned to face you, back leaning against the counter. “I wanted to kiss you.” 

Your mind was beginning to reel. “I have a BOYFRIEND,” you said slowly, unable to keep a lid on your anger. “Who I had to sleep next to last night.” 

Right on cue, Seokjin came from around the corner, still half asleep and rubbing his eyes. You froze, feeling instantly sick. You hope he hadn’t heard anything. 

He hadn’t. He smiled when he saw you both, making his way over. “Morning, guys.” 

“Seokjin, hey,” you breathed, feeling a little trembly. You pushed your bowl away, not hungry now. You caught Hoseok’s eyes. 

“Morning,” he nodded, turning to look at Seokjin but averting his gaze. 

Seokjin leant down and kissed your cheek, rubbing your shoulder. “Did you sleep at all last night? You were tossing and turning like crazy.” 

You felt yourself panicking. You needed to cool it. “Ah, I think I was still pumped from the party.” You laughed lightly. 

Seokjin joined in. “You guys sure do know how to have fun. I think I’ve drunk more in these past two months than I have in my entire life.” You heard Hoseok gave the lamest laugh back. It sounded more like a scoff and you shot him a look.  

“Hey, wanna go to the zoo today?” Seokjin suggested. You’d been on about going for weeks now just hadn’t gotten around to it. “I’m not due at the hospital until tonight.” 

You forced yourself to smile. Hoped it seemed natural. “I’d love to.” 

“Perfect,” he grinned, reaching to kiss your lips. They twinged, and you remembered the feeling of Hoseok’s mouth. You were also very aware he was a witness to all this. You pulled back quickly. “Wanna shower first?” Seokjin asked. 

“No, it’s okay. You go.” 

You couldn’t bear them to be alone together. Hoseok was acting weird, you didn’t trust him not to tell Seokjin. As it would have it though, by the time you looked across at the counter, Hoseok was gone, already walking off back to his room. 

.

.

“What’s wrong?” You asked Seokjin as you made your way into your room. You’d showered straight after him. Gotten dressed in the bathroom because you did not fancy bumping into Hoseok wrapped in a towel. Even though you had many a time. 

Seokjin looked a little sad, you could tell by his face straight away something was up, and  delayed, you felt dread begin prick at your spine. What if Hoseok had told him? 

“Bad news. They need me at the hospital.” He sounded guilty that he had to let you down. 

While you felt instant relief. He didn’t know about the kiss and your guilty conscious was happy you wouldn’t have to spend all day together. You felt terrible at the realisation. Maybe you should just tell him what happened. But… not like this. Not today. You were a serial put-er off-er.

“That’s okay, it can’t be helped,” you told him, making your way over to the bed where he sat perched on. You rubbed his shoulder. You both liked doing that to one another. Thinking that made you sad. “I feel bad for you though. You haven’t had a proper day off in weeks.” 

It was true, Seokjin worked harder than any person you’d met before. You didn’t know how he did it. More sadness filled you. You couldn’t explain why. This time it wasn’t the guilt over the kiss, but something else. Everything had changed. 

“You’re cute,” he smiled. “I’ll be fine. Always am.” Those words stuck with you. “I’m sad we can’t go to the zoo. Rain check?” 

“Rain check,” you nodded, smiling slightly. 

“What will you do instead today?” He asked, before chuckling. “Hoseok’s here all day. Keep him company.” 

Your eyes widened. “You’ve been talking to Hob–Hoseok?” Damn that nickname. He didn’t deserve to be called Hobi. 

“Yeah, while you were in the shower.” 

Change the subject. “I think I may hang out with Joy.” It was the weekend after all, and Yoongi had work this afternoon and then he was going out for drinks with some coworkers. Joy would be free. “We can have a girly day. I could stay over maybe.” You were babbling. Trying to make this believable even though it wasn’t a lie. “Face masks, pillow fights, all that sleepover stuff.” 

Seokjin looked at you funny and laughed affectionately. “You’re really trying to relive your high school years, aren’t you? You’re cute,” he repeated. He always called you cute. He wrapped his arms around you waist, pulling you a little closer. “—and weird. That’s why I like you.” 

Yes. Sometimes you did think you were a little bit “too much” for Seokjin, but he always seemed so endeared by you. Usually this kind of talk made you happy, but you felt strange inside. Like everything was slowly dying. Seokjin kissed you, it didn’t bring you back to life.    “I’ll see you tomorrow night. Promise I’ll be free.” 

You forced yourself to smile. Any more and your lips would start aching. “Can’t wait.” 

He rubbed his nose against yours, voice low. “You can come over. Maybe we can play seven minutes in heaven…” 

You giggled, but in your mind you couldn’t stop thinking about your kiss with Hoseok. 

.

.

“Hoseok kissed me last night.” 

It was a few hours later, not even twenty four after the kiss, and you were finally telling someone about it. You weren’t built to keep secrets. Joy knew that. She knew you the best out of anyone. She’d been your best friend for over twenty years. That’s why it was her you told. Curled up on her sofa you blurted it out. No lead up, no ‘Hey, can I tell you something?’ Just straight out with it. 

She turned her attention away from the television, a look of confusion spread all over her face. “During the game or?” 

You breathed out. “After. Once everyone had gone home.” 

Her eyes widened, but she spoke slowly, as if she was trying really hard to understand. “I’m confused. Was it a drunk thing?” 

“I don’t know why he did it,” you admitted. If you had a solid answer maybe you could get your head around it more. “He said he wanted to show me how our first kiss would go.” 

“Hold up.” Now Joy had come to life. Still in shock, but needing explanations. “He imagined a first kiss? Does he like you?” 

“No,” you exclaimed, pulling a disgusted face. “It’s Hoseok. Me and Hoseok.” 

“Do you like him?” 

Was she crazy? “No.” But that sounded too mean. “Yes. I mean, of course I like him, he’s my friend.”

“Christ. He kissed you,” she muttered, shaking her head a little in disbelief. 

“I kissed him back.” Had you left out that minor detail? It was all very well saying Hoseok kissed you, but you’d let him, and you’d kissed him back just as hard. The memory had your insides feeling funny again. 

Joy looked a little in stunned. You didn’t blame her. You and Hoseok kissing? His mouth on yours, his hands on your body, his tongue in your mouth… You needed a cold shower. Where was your guilt now?! 

“What was it like?” She asked hesitantly. Curious. 

“Really good.” You couldn’t lie. And you couldn’t keep the truth in. You just needed to be honest with yourself. “I’m so confused. Joy, I cant stop thinking about it. I’m so mad at him but it was just so… It was just so hot. But out of this world. Like, I saw through time and space, and it was Hoseok doing it!” In what world did that seem realistic? He was your friend! 

“Damn, Hoseok has game.” Joy sounded half impressed. 

You sighed sadly. “I think it was the best kiss of my life but it can’t be because…” There she was. The guilt. She settled in your stomach, heavy and sickly. “Seokjin. I have a boyfriend. One who I’ve liked for the longest time.” 

You remembered how much you wanted to make it work with him while things were still just a hook up and how heartbroken you’d been when he’d told you he couldn’t give you that. How confused and kind of mad you were when he found you again and confessed his feelings and how happy you’d been when you’d given him another chance. When Hoseok had encouraged you to give it a try. Nothing made sense. Everything had changed after one kiss.  

“Are you going to tell him?” Joy asked. 

“I don’t know. I was going to forget the kiss ever happened but I don’t think I can do that,” you admitted. Seokjin deserved the truth, but selfishly, more than that, you couldn’t live like this, so conflicted. It wasn’t black and white. You’d kissed Hoseok back. 

“Just think it through, okay?” She told you gently. “If you tell him it’ll make things awkward. You’re friends with Hoseok. You live with Hoseok.” 

You didn’t think Joy got it. You didn’t think you got it. You couldn’t forget about the kiss. That’s why you had to tell Seokjin. “No, I should tell him.” Your voice was a little shaky. “I kissed Hoseok back. It wouldn’t be fair to blame it all on him. Seokjin needs to know.” 

.

.

You slipped through the door, trying to be as quiet as possible. You turned left, towards your bedroom and began creeping. It was past midnight but you still wanted to go as undetected as possible, praying Namjoon and Hoseok were in their rooms already. 

“Hey.” You winced when you heard Hoseok���s voice, freezing. “I was waiting up for you. Where were you all day?” 

You turned back slowly, trying to make your voice sound as neutral as possible. If truth be told, the last person you wanted to have a conversation with right now was him. “At Joy’s. I was going to stay over but Yoongi got drunk and she had to pick him up.” 

“You were going to stay over because of me?” He asked. You stayed silent and he sighed your name. “Look, I’m really sorry I did this. Made things awkward between us. It’s the last thing I want.” 

Your jaw tightened in anger. Then why the hell had he kissed you? “I don’t feel awkward. Do you feel awkward?” 

“I feel a little awkward.” He admitted, hands in his pockets. You stayed a few feet apart. “You left the house all day to avoid me.” 

“I’m not feeling awkward. I’m feeling…mad.” 

“Mad?” He had the cheek to sound surprised. “At me?” 

“You kissed me when I have a boyfriend.” You explained like you had to. “Did you not think of the consequences?”

He lowered his head, sheepish, yet he still didn’t apologise. “Are you going to tell him?” He asked instead. “Just don’t.” 

“What?” Your voice was low, anger rising. 

Hoseok shrugged. “Just forget it ever happened.” 

“Forget it ever happened?!” You exclaimed. “I can’t.” You shook your head, the memory of the kiss pushing its way back into your head. No. That wasn’t why. “I can’t lie to him. You’re asking me to lie to him?” 

“It’s not lying, it’s just not telling him something happened. He’s oblivious to it anyways.” 

“What the hell?” You couldn’t begin to explain why you felt so frustrated. So offended. “I can’t do this.” You voice shook. You were blowing up. “I was happy before last night. Like really happy, and now everything is ruined because you kissed me!” He stayed silent. You couldn’t read his expression. 

“Like jeez,” you laughed in frustration. “It doesn’t make sense, Hoseok. You were encouraging me to give him another chance and now what, you like me?” You mocked, instantly regretting it by the way his face fell. 

“Is that funny to you?” He scoffed. “Is the possibility I like you so hilarious you feel the need to laugh in my face?” Oh no. “Or are you laughing because it seems so crazy? Impossible?” 

You could feel the dread prickling your skin, but all you could do was watch him in horror. “I like you.” The way he said your name afterwards made something inside of you long. You pushed it away, because otherwise your legs might give way from under you. 

“I like you a lot. Way more than a friend and I don’t know for how long.” 

You couldn’t speak. Just watched him struggle to find the right words himself. “It-It’s just one of those things. You came into my life like a bulldozer and I kept thinking, how had I gone through nearly thirty years of my life not knowing you?” He scoffed. “It sounds stupid, but it’s true. Slowly I just began thinking maybe one day it’ll be our chance. It wasn’t urgent. Just kinda there in my subconscious. Most of the time I didn’t even think about it.” He shrugged. “I was okay with waiting. Okay with watching you date other guys because it wasn’t our turn yet. One day,” he sighed. “One day it would be, and I’d get to kiss you like last night.” 

The kiss was back behind your eyes. The feeling of his lips, the taste of his mouth. The touch of his body. For some reason you were angry. 

“That game messed it all up and I’m sorry for that, but I’m not sorry for kissing you. I won’t apologise for that.” 

“No.” You finally said something. It was final, but your voice shook. “No. You can’t be doing this right now, Hoseok.” You pointed at him, accusing him. “I’m happy. For the first time in a long time I was happy. I like Seokjin. He’s the first guy I’ve really felt something with since Seungwoo. Do you know how important that is?” He should understand that more than anyone, with what happened with Minah. 

“You expect me to throw it all away because one day you see yourself with me? One day?!” You were a goddamn after thought. One of those pacts friends made. If we’re still single at 40 we’ll get married. Was that what you were to him? You blinked away frustrated tears. He was one of your best friends and that’s how he saw you? 

“Oh, please,” he sneered. He sounded hurt, but mad. You’d never seen him angry before. You hated it. You’d bickered many times, but never to this level. “You’re always choosing shitty men.” 

“You’ve known me for a year!” 

“Yeah, and in that time it hasn’t been great,” he scoffed. You thought of the handful of men Hoseok had witnessed you date and cringed. He was judging you. Two could play at that game. Childish or not. 

“Oh, and you have such a great taste in woman. If I remember correctly, one robbed you after you slept with her!” 

“That could’ve happened to anyone!” 

Whatever. “Seokjin is not a shitty man!” He was kind, and sweet, and probably way too good for you. 

“You were his fuck buddy for weeks and when you told him you had feelings for him he ran away only to come back with his tail between his legs. He had his chance and he blew it. You deserve better.” 

“You were the one who told me to go for it!” You exasperated. He wasn’t making sense. He was the one who encouraged you to give Seokjin a second chance. Without Hoseok, you wouldn’t be together right now. 

“I regret that now. What more do you want me to say?” 

Really? You stared at him. “I want you to say you don’t know anything.” 

“I don’t know anything?” 

“Yes, you don’t know anything about anything.” He just said things, did things, without thinking of the consequences. He was thoughtless. “Seokjin might’ve been the one, but now it’s all ruined!” 

“He’s not.” 

Fuck him. He sounded so sure. What did he know? “It’s ruined because of you!” You shouted in frustration. “I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel.” All you could remember was the kiss. “I was happy and now I’m not.” 

“Well I’m sorry for making you unhappy,” he sighed. “That’s what I do.” He threw his hands into the air and laughed bitterly. “I’m sorry for thinking me and you could be something great. I’m sorry for not having my life together. Not being rich, or for not being devilishly handsome—which I may add,” he shot, “is freaky. No man should be that beautiful!” 

For god’s sake. What was he trying to do now? Guilt trip you? “What are you going on about? Those are your insecurities. I don’t care about all that stuff.” Was he trying to say you were shallow? 

“Of course you do,” he insisted. “Seokjin has it all. What do I have? Nothing. I’m 30 and work at a bar. I dropped out of law school and forget to shower some days. I don’t own my own home. I live in a loft with two other guys and you.” 

You? Why did he say it like that? For someone who supposedly liked you he wasn’t doing a good job of showing it. From the seems of things he didn’t like you. 

“Do yourself a favour and just don’t tell him. Forget about me and be happy. Fall in love with him, marry him, have tons of super pretty babies.” 

Jaw tight, you sneered. “This is why we wouldn’t work out.” You told him. “You’re childish.” He wasn’t relationship material. He wasn’t what you were looking for. “You’re selfish. You’re mean.” 

He scoffed. “I’m mean?” 

Your bottom lip wobbled, eyes filling up. “Yeah, you really are.” And then you stormed off. Down the hall and into your room. Just in time to hide the tears that slipped down your cheeks. He couldn’t see you cry. He couldn’t see he’d gotten to you. 

He yelled your name, calling you back, sounding regretful, but you didn’t listen and he didn’t follow you. 

The next morning you didn’t see Hoseok at all. He was either in his room when you finally emerged from yours, or he was already at the bar. You were thankful either way. You didn’t think you could handle facing him. You were still so mad, but more than that you were upset. Confused. 

You showered and got ready with a struggle. Forced yourself to go grocery shopping even though you had no appetite for food, and then you just tried to keep yourself distracted. You caught up with some marking that needed to be done by tomorrow, meal prepped for lunches and tried to seem normal around Namjoon who was milling about the loft too. Then Seokjin messaged your asking if you still wanted to hang out this evening. You replied yes with a heavy heart. 

On your way there you’d convinced yourself that you weren’t going to tell him. Yes, you had kissed Hoseok back, but he was the one that had made the move. You could forget about it with time. You could be happy with Seokjin again. Your guilty conscience would go. 

But sitting with him on the sofa, his arm looped around your shoulders and his soft laugh rumbling in your ears every time something funny happened in the movie you were watching, you realised something. The only reason you didn’t want to tell him was because you wanted to spite Hoseok. You were being selfish. The same thing you’d accused Hoseok of last night. 

Seokjin deserved to now, whatever the outcome. For him, for you, for Hoseok… 

“I kissed Hoseok.” 

It didn’t sound like your voice, but you’d said it. 

You felt Seokjin move and you automatically wriggled out from under his arm. He paused the movie, looking back at you with a bemused expression. “You kissed him?” He laughed slightly. “Why didn’t time say? We would’ve left you out sooner.” 

He’d mistaken what you meant. Just like Joy. You closed your eyes softly, sadness filling you. You wanted to say yes, in the game more than anything, just not to hurt him, but that wasn’t the truth. You’d kissed Hoseok off your own back and you’d enjoyed it. “No,” you said softly. “We kissed after the party. Later on when I went to get some water. He kissed me, but I kissed him back.” You didn’t take a moment to pause, needing it all to be out. 

Seokjin was silent as he absorbed the information. Shocked being a given. Finally he said something. “You kissed him while I was in the loft too? In your bed?” 

When he worded it like that you felt sick. You nodded sadly. “I feel terrible, Seokjin. I do. I just couldn’t not tell you. Hoseok said to forget it ever happened but I… It–We…” You fumbled over your words and took a moment to compose yourself. “We argued last night and I’m just… I’m really confused.” 

Two nights ago everything had changed. You’d been in this perfect new relationship. It had promise, it was going somewhere and you were over the moon. Then the kiss had happened and you hadn’t been able to see a future with Seokjin anymore. No matter how small. 

His face was unreadable as he looked at you. You wanted him to get mad. You wanted him to yell at you and tell you how much of a horrible person you were. You deserved it. But that wasn’t his style. Instead he breathed out some kind of little laugh. “There’s no need to be confused. I get it now. You like Hoseok. Of course you do.” 

You were too surprised to even think about refuting him. Of all the things for him to say, you had not been expecting that. “Seeing you guys together,” he carried on. “You always bicker, get on one another’s nerves, but now I see it.” He chuckled. Sadly amused. “It was chemistry. You two just bounce off one another so well. I don’t know, maybe you’re frustrated too, mad you’re not together.” 

You let his words sink in. Trying to think of every interaction you’d had with Hoseok since you met him. It was pretty much an instant connection. You’d always thought so, but did that really mean… You couldn’t let yourself think here. In front of Seokjin, after you’d just confessed to him. But everything was flooding to the forefront of your brain, and it was hard work trying to stop it. There was no point trying to deny it. Not now. 

“I never wanted to hurt you,” you told him instead. Meaning it sincerely. You hadn’t even realised anything yourself. Not even when it was right in front of you. When Hoseok was telling you he liked you. 

He smiled sadly. “Better for it to happen now, right?” 

“I really care about you, Seokjin. These past few weeks have been amazing. Even before, when we were…” You stopped and shook your head. “You’re the best and I’m really sorry.” You truly did mean that. No matter how lame it sounded. 

“You’re a really great girl, remember that,” he told you. “Maybe if I’d figured out my feelings months ago things would be different, but then again,” he shrugged, “maybe you’re just meant to be with him.” 

Meant to be with him. Hoseok. Were you meant to be with Hoseok? 

Seokjin took you hand and squeezed it gently. “I’m done,” he murmured, his eyes kind but firm. “I don’t want to be second best.” 

.

.

You had déjà vu. You were slipping through the door again. This time you didn’t try to creep into your room though. You made your way into the kitchen, needing a glass of water. Just to take some time for yourself, needing to find some clarity. You found it as soon as your eyes landed on Hoseok walking from the direction of the bathroom. Everything fell into place, began to make sense. 

He stopped dead when he saw you, awkward and probably panicked after last night. “Hey,” you said gently. “Where is everyone?” It was strange for the loft to be so quiet on a Sunday night. 

He cleared his throat. “Namjoon has Nara over, Yoongi‘s still over Joy’s place.” He was already beginning to walk away.  “I’ll be out of your way, just going to bed.” 

You opened your mouth to call him back. You had so much to say, but… But was tonight a good time to start? Your head was still whirring. Sadness and guilt over your breakup with Seokjin but you also felt giddy at the sight of Hoseok. You wanted to say sorry for the argument, for all the things you said, and most of all you wanted to tell him that you—

“Aren’t you supposed be staying with Jin tonight?” Hoseok had stopped, turning back with the afterthought. “Namjoon mentioned it.”  

He didn’t need to explain himself. You didn’t care how he knew. You didn’t care about a lot right now. Only one thing. “He broke up with me,” you replied. “I told him about the kiss and now it’s over.” 

Hoseok’s eyes bulged, visibly shocked. “What? Didn’t you tell him it was my fault?” He walked over to you. There was still a distance but it was a start. “No,” he muttered. “Why would he break up with you? It’s not your fault.”

Sweet, caring Hoseok. You smiled at him, the words that left you almost bubbling into a laugh. “It is.” 

He looked mighty confused. He was probably thinking you’d lost it right now. You hadn’t. You’d only just found it. You took a deep breath. It was now or never. “It’s my fault because I like you too.” 

Silence. He looked stunned. It seemed strange to say it out loud but also sort of invigorating. Nothing made sense in this world, bar one thing. Your feelings for him. You laughed, more words now rushing out. “I really like you. And I don’t know for how long. Maybe from the beginning,” you shrugged, “maybe from the kiss. I don’t know.” 

You’d been trying to pinpoint the exact moment on the ride home. Going through each memory you had with him in an attempt to understand when it happened. There was no real answer. It had snuck up on you, wanted you to be oblivious. And you think that was how it was for him too. Why last night had been so confusing. 

You were mad at him because you liked him too. You were mad at him because you thought he didn’t like you enough. He didn’t like you like he thought he liked you. God, you were a mess. Your thoughts weren’t making sense. What were you trying to say?

“I don’t know,” you repeated. “My head’s a mess and I really have a headache right now.” You rubbed your temples and then remembered something. “I also have a flat tyre. I think I drove over a nail on the way here. I don’t know how I’m going to get to work tomorrow morning.” 

“You could borrow my ca—

“Hobi, I don’t care.” You interrupted, laughing again. You felt funny, like you were floating. It felt good to call him that again. “I don’t care about anything right now, except you.” His eyes flashed at that, something changing on his face. He moved forward, closer to you. The counter was the only thing that separated you now. 

“I don’t understand anything and I’m really confused, but I know one thing,” you insisted, finally giving into the urge that had been raging your body for nearly two days. “I really want to kiss you.” You swallowed, tasting the memory of him. “Again. I can’t stop thinking about the kiss. It was the best kiss of my life.” 

He rounded the counter in the blink of an eye. He’d stayed silent for the majority of your confession, except for offering you his car, the idiot. You almost laughed again; why was he so sweet? Yeah, you would’ve laughed if he didn’t look so irresistible right now. So serious, so desperate, so intense. He was breathing heavily, almost panting, eyes blown black. 

“Can I kiss you now?” His voice was rough, broken with desire. 

You parted your mouth to reply. To say yes, to say please, to almost beg, but his lips were already on yours, hands cupping your face. Hungry, needy, eager. He pushed you against the counter your back was to, and you let out a gasp, maybe more of a moan. He took the opportunity to swipe his tongue against yours. He tasted like toothpaste. You hated spearmint, but now you loved it. 

You grasped him, letting your hands roam over his back. You wanted to touch him, feel him, never let him go. You grabbed the corners of his t-shirt with your fists and pulled him closer. He stumbled forward and your head feel back against one of the overhead cupboards. You didn’t care, clung to his mouth as he tried to pull back and check on you. “Don’t stop,” you whined against his lips. 

He chuckled but it trembled, probably had something to do with the way you were pressing your body into his. He gave up in the end, needing to get his hands on you too. He moved to your waist, hands gripping around the small of your back, holding you tight and pushing just as much into you, because he wanted to feel you against him too. To get as close as possible because there had always been a stupid, unnecessary distance between you. 

You felt hot, a little sweaty and out of breath, unsure how a kiss had got you this wrecked. It was just as good as his birthday—no, better. It was better because now you both knew what you wanted. 

“Hey—I know—this isn’t r-really the–mm–time,” Hoseok was trying to speak but he couldn’t stay away from your lips long enough. Words blurred and getting caught short, but you just kissed him more furiously. “But I really f-feel guilty about—last night. All the–the stuff I said–”

“It’s fine,” you got out, but it was enough to begin distracting you. 

He pulled back successfully, gazing at you, eyes warm and sincere. His breath fanned across your face. “I just feel really bad about all that stuff I said about Seokjin. He’s a good guy, I just—

“Let’s not speak about him now,” you interrupted softly. You took a deep breath, slipping your hands up his sides to rub his back. You were both coming down from that high slowly. 

He sighed weakly. “Yeah, I know, I just,” he paused, struggling, before giving a small shrug. “I was jealous of him.” 

“It’s okay,” you reassured. But now Seokjin was back in your head. The guilt was still there. Of course it wouldn’t go immediately, no matter how understanding he had been. But these emotions were conflicting. Plus, you knew you and Hoseok couldn’t be this simple. There was still so much to talk about. From both of you. 

“We need to talk before anything happens, right?” He read your mind. You smiled and nodded, feeling a little sad. 

And right at that moment a familiar banging appeared again. You caught Hoseok’s eyes and you both burst out laughing. Trust Namjoon to ease the moment.   

Hoseok pulled you upright, wrapping his arms around your waist now in a slight hug. You wrapped yours around his neck and he grinned. “We should go on a date tomorrow. We can talk then.” Your eyes widened. A date? Hoseok didn’t do dates. Not proper ones anyway. 

“I want to to this properly.” Again with the mind reading, you smiled to yourself. “I’ll take you out for dinner and we can, I don’t know, talk about what this means.” 

You grinned, Namjoon’s headboard still hitting the wall. “I’d really love that.” 

You were giddy all day. Couldn’t concentrate in work. You were still replaying last night in your head. After the kiss you’d watched some television together, like you always did on Sunday nights. You sat close, but not entwined, too afraid Namjoon would pop out of his bedroom—hopefully fully clothed. You couldn’t explain why that fear hadn’t been there when Hoseok had your back against the counter, but whatever, you weren’t ready for the weirdness that would unfold, nor the conversations that would need to be had. You hadn’t even talked it out yourselves yet. 

That was for tonight. Hoseok had text you just gone midday to tell you he’d gotten his shift for tonight covered and he’d booked dinner at a restaurant for 8pm. After that it had all felt too real. You were nervous, scared and excited all wrapped up into one. You were going on a date with Hoseok. Your friend Hoseok. The one who you’d bumped into this morning in the kitchen. The one who’d handed you a coffee with a shy good morning because he couldn’t say anything else with Namjoon rummaging around in the fridge next to you, totally oblivious. 

And later on, once you were home, getting ready for the date was a whole new experience all together. You know, living with the guy in question and all. You bumped into one another in the bathroom, brushing your teeth together with awkward giggles. He met you outside of your bedroom once you were dressed, eyes wide, cheeks a little flushed at the sight of you. Maybe the fact you were dressed up for him now turned him speechless. “You look beautiful,” he’d managed to splutter finally. 

He didn’t scrub up too badly himself. He was in a shirt for one. Loose at the neck, no tie, but a shirt nonetheless. And dress pants. Where exactly was he taking you? You didn’t have time to ask because you had to ninja your way out of the loft before you got caught. 

Dinner started off awkwardly at first. Stumbling over words, small talk drying up, lots of nervous laughter, but gradually you both found your groove. How could you not? It was you and Hoseok! All the history and chemistry you had didn’t just disappear because of one date. You were soon giggling together when you noticed a man accidentally walk into the women’s restroom. Childish, yes, but who cared? That’s who you and he were. 

By the main course you were both ready to open up, talk about you guys and what this meant. 

“I’m sorry about yelling the other night,” he apologised, pushing some spinach around his plate absentmindedly. 

You gave a little shrug.  “It’s okay. I’m sorry too. I was mad at myself more than anything.” 

“No,” he shook his head. “You don’t have to do that.” 

“Do what?” 

“Blame yourself.” He looked across at you. “You were mad because I kissed you when you had a boyfriend. I mean, it was a pretty dick-y thing to do and I feel really bad about it.” 

You smiled, that meant a lot to you. It was a complicated situation. The suddenness of it all the sole problem. 

You didn’t want to talk about Seokjin. You didn’t want to compare the two men, even though throughout the day your mind had tried to. In all honestly, both were very different, but both were good men. There was no winner, there was no loser. It just happened that you couldn’t ignore this chance with Hoseok. Not when he had been there first. Maybe looking at it now, you and Seokjin were different kinds of people. Maybe the relationship wasn’t as perfect as you’d thought. Not your perfect anyway. It could’ve worked out yes, but you knew he deserved someone better than you. Someone different to you. 

You realised something at that moment. Seokjin had always found your quirkiness adorable, but Hoseok found it normal. You didn’t know what that meant, but it made sense in your own head. It made you happy. You were here, in front of one another, on a date. Nothing else mattered.  

“If you hadn’t have done it we wouldn’t be here right now.” You told him. It was no good just thinking everything in your head. You needed to tell Hoseok some things. You wanted to tell him how happy you were. “On a dateee.” 

He laughed, relaxing into his chair. “We’re on a date!” 

He couldn’t quite believe it still. You laughed at how cute he was being and looked around. “You chose the fanciest place.” 

“Yeah,” he murmured, looking a little sheepish. “Did I go over the top? Feel like I did.” He stopped and then laughed. “I hope your heels aren’t too high, we gotta run outta here when they fetch the bill.” 

“Hobi,” you whined. He didn’t need to make a joke like that. Then you thought of something else. You hoped he didn’t take you here because he thought you expected it. Any restaurant would’ve done. “Hey,” you said softly. “I hope you don’t still believe all that stuff about you just being a bartender.” He shrugged a little sheepish. “I teach adults how to write fiction and I’m not too hot at it. Half of them are failing.” 

He chuckled at that, picking up his glass of wine. “I think the problem probably lies with them not you.” 

You looked at him, needing him not to laugh this off. You wanted him to see you didn’t care what job he had. “My point is, my job isn’t all that glamorous. It doesn’t have to be.” You thought he liked his job. It should never be used as something to separate you. 

He sighed softly, giving in. “I’m sorry I laid all that stuff on you. They’re my insecurities not yours. It’s just after… Just after the breakup with Minah. The stuff she said to me really stuck.” 

You reached for one of his hands, grasping is fingers. The warmth was all you needed. “I get that.” You still had some insecurities left over from your breakup with Seungwoo, but with Hoseok none of those things mattered. “I’m sorry for calling you childish, and selfish.” 

“And mean. Don’t forget mean,” he joked. 

“And mean.” You looked away sheepishly, before realising you needed to look him in the eyes for this. “I don’t want you to be insecure around me. I like you for you.” 

He chuckled quietly, squeezing your hand. “Thank you.” 

“I think it’s cool that you work at a bar.” You wanted to lighten the moment now, shrugging. “But maybe that’s because of the free drinks you give me.” 

He laughed, both of you pulling your hand back to carry on eating. “I’m actually not allowed to do that, but you’re so pretty how could I not?” 

You felt your cheeks flush at his casual remark. “You think I’m pretty?” 

“Very much so. Plus other things…” 

You smiled shyly. “I find you pretty too. Huh?” You noticed the face he pulled. “Is that not a good thing?” 

“I’m not pretty,” he baffled. 

“Are too.” You insisted. You’d always thought so, especially when he smiled. “I think you’re sexy too. Very sexy.” 

“Oh yeah?” He seemed to like that one better. “What’s so sexy about me?” 

You looked down at his wine. It wasn’t the right alcohol, but it made you remember something. “I like the way you drink beer. You gargle it a little.” 

“I do?” He looked puzzled. 

“Yeah, you do, and I don’t know, it’s kinda hot.” He looked chuffed at that. “What about me?” You added. 

“Hm,” he thought out loud. “It’s not really sexy, maybe a little misogynistic,” he laughed, “but I like when you struggle to open things. Like that bag of chips last week. When you ask for my help, I don’t know, it makes me feel good about myself.” 

It made him feel good when he opened a bag of chips for you? You awed loudly. “That’s so sweet, Hobi.” 

He scoffed, a little embarrassed. “Oh.” He remembered something. “I like when guys mistake me for your boyfriend.” 

You cocked an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? I like that too. And vice versa.” You had never been able to pinpoint why in the past. It was usually gone before you could even try to explain it, but it had still been there. Numerous times. You’d just been clueless. 

“Isn’t this scary?” You asked. It was new and exciting, and you were happy, but it was also weird to be here. Sat opposite your friend, your roommate… the man you had feelings for. The man who up until a few nights ago, had a crush on another woman. No wonder he hadn’t really cared when Namjoon asked if he could bone Nara. And he, well he was sitting opposite you, who up until last night had a boyfriend. Talk about whiplash. This was crazy. 

“It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever done,” he admitted. 

“We’re like best friends, but is it because we’ve always had feelings for one another?” 

Hoseok upturned his shoulders. “I honestly have no clue. It makes sense, but…” 

“But at the same time it doesn’t?” You finished for him. He nodded. If he had never kissed you that night, then this wouldn’t be happening right now. Maybe it would’ve never happened. You would’ve kept missing one another. The moment never there for him and you probably oblivious until it was too late… 

But that wasn’t the case now. You were both here. Suddenly and maybe not in the best of circumstances, but you were here. That’s all that mattered. Was there really such a thin like between friendship and lovers? You tried imagining kissing Namjoon but couldn’t do it. It made you feel weird. Not the same weird you’d felt locked in the closet with Hoseok. 

“I don’t want to ruin what we have already but I can’t ignore these feelings I have for you.” Hoseok explained. “I’ve been repressing them for so long they’re uncontrollable.” He chuckled. 

“Same. I think.” You were beginning to realise that love didn’t have to punch you in the face immediately for it to be the real thing. “If I ignore how I feel about you I’ll spontaneously combust. I know it. I will.” These feelings had hit you full force and now you couldn’t ignore them even if you tried. 

He chuckled at your passion. “I don’t want you to spontaneously combust.” A thought popped into his head. “What will Yoongi say? Namjoon?” He groaned, rubbing his temples.  “What do we even tell them?” 

“Maybe we won’t tell them for a little while?” You suggested. You didn’t want to share this new, uncertain thing with other people just yet. The loft wasn’t the best set up in this situation. “Just until we work out what’s going on between us?” 

“Like keeping it a secret?” 

“I know it’s not ideal but I don’t want to mess this up.” He nodded, agreeing with you. “If we try and fail our friendship could get ruined. That terrifies me, Hobi.” You wanted to be honest here. All cards on the table. “I love you a lot. I don’t want to jeopardise anything.” 

“Hey, hey, nothing will get ruined, I promise you,” he reassured, reaching for your hand with both of his. “We’ll take it as slow as you want. This is new and if we do it properly then everything will be okay in the end.” He gave you a gentle smile. “Whatever the outcome. If we decide to move forward or decide to just stay friends, we’ll be okay.” 

Maybe that’s why you’d never realised your feelings for him. Why he’d never said anything. Your friendship meant too much to one another. If that was ruined somehow it would kill you both. But it didn’t have to be like that. If you both saw the potential danger, you could avoid it best you could. You shouldn’t be thinking of the potential end if it was only just the beginning. 

“You’re right,” you smiled back. 

Letting go of your hand he relaxed back into the chair again. “But for tonight, let’s think of this as a new thing. It’ll take the pressure off us.” 

“How do you mean?” You asked, curious. He had a giant smirk on his face. 

He shrugged. “Maybe we met on Tinder. Decided to go for a drink.” 

Oh. Okay, you saw where he was going. A little bit of make believe. That sounded fun. You and Hoseok always messed around like this. Why would it change? “Yeah,” you nodded, getting into it instantly. “We liked what we saw. I liked the way you dress.” 

He snorted. “You hate my dress sense. You told me I dress like a twenty year old hipster.”  

“I like it!” You insisted. You mean, in your defence you’d only said that because he’d said you dressed like a granny. He’d started it. 

“Thank you.” He was satisfied, you both could commence. “I liked your glasses. Reminded me of the librarian kink I had in high school.” 

“Eww.” You wrinkled your nose. “Weirdo.” You both laughed loudly. 

.

.

“Goodnight, pretty lady. I’ll see you in the morning,” Hoseok murmured. The night was over, the loft was empty, the guys probably already in bed, when you got back and you both walked down the hallway to your rooms, stopping outside to say goodnight. 

“Lame,” you scoffed, but he could tell by your face you loved it. “Night.” 

He leaned in for a kiss. It seemed like he was trying to keep it brief, nothing like last night or two nights before that, but no matter how hard he tried, it lingered. It was painful pulling apart and walking into your bedroom. You knew he was trying to be chivalry, and patient, and whatever else, but there was an itch inside you that screamed to be relieved. 

You pressed the back of your head up against the door, closing your eyes and taking a few breaths. Praying the desire you felt would ebb away. You heard movement from the other side. 

“Slow, we should take this slow.” Hoseok almost whined from outside.  

You opened your eyes immediately and flung the door open. You were on him in an instant, kissing him eagerly. Thankful your rooms were the other side of the loft from Namjoon’s and Yoongi’s. There would he no explaining this, and you didn’t want to share this with anyone else yet. Not to be careful, not just in case, like you’d originally thought, but because you were selfish. You wanted Hoseok for yourself. 

“I really want you. Like so bad,” you panted, hands all over his body. You wanted him out of his shirt. Out of his pants. Thoughts and images jumped into your mind. You were a woman possessed. “I’ve waited too long already. Please.” 

“Don’t beg like that.” His voice was so low, maybe even a growl, and it did things to you. 

You didn’t want to take this slow. Everything was already perfect. No matter what had happened to get here, it was all perfect now. 

You couldn’t wait a moment longer. You needed to be with him. 

“Pleaseee,” you said purposefully. 

He growled this time. For real. “I said don’t–ah, fuck it!” You exclaimed out loud as he picked you up from the middle, legs dangling alongside his as he walked into your room. He let go and cupped your face tight. He was breathing heavily. “I really want this, I really like you. I’m sure of it. Now that this is finally happening. Now I finally had the guts to make a move. This is for real.” 

You blinked. “Forreal for real?” 

“Yeah,” he murmured. “Never been more certain of anything in my entire life.” 

And then he was kissing you again. You never wanted it to stop. With shaky hands you took his and began to lead him backwards towards your bed…

*bonus* 

“Morning,” Hoseok smiled from above you. 

You’d only just woken up, eyes still blurry, but you rubbed them and rolled onto your back. “Good morning,” you smiled back. 

He rubbed his hand over your waist under the covers, now grinning like he couldn’t stop it. “We did that.” 

You were still naked. So was he. What a thought. “We really did that.” 

“Twice.” 

You hummed, reliving last nights antics. It was just so natural. The sex you mean. No awkwardness, no nerves. It was just…perfect. Giggling and messing around, just like you were as friends. Nothing had changed. Only now you were probably going to be bumping uglies on the regular… It was only right to make a new suggestion now. “Wanna make it a third?” 

“Thought you’d never ask,” he laughed, dipping his head to kiss your neck. You let yourself sink, closing your eyes and enjoying the moment until you remembered something. 

“Wait, wait—!” Your eyes flew open. “What’s the time?” 

Hoseok stopped and looked back, craning his neck to catch the time on your alarm clock. “Twenty past 7.” 

You groaned. “I have a class in 2 hours.” 

“Uhh,” he started awkwardly, pecking your lips. “This is new n’ all but I don’t want to get your hopes up so early into this. I will never be able to last two hours. You’ll be fine. You won’t miss class,” he chuckled. 

“Shut up,” you groaned, kissing him just to roll him on his back. The thought of leaving this bed today was depressing. “I’m just going to call in sick anyway.” You told him, pulling away.

He stroked his fingers through your hair, smirking. “Oh, a bad girl, huh?” 

You narrowed your eyes. If he wanted you to be bad, you could be bad. “Get a condom, Jung.” 

[reelwriter19]

Lights Out

Pairings: Erik Stevens X Black Reader 

Warnings: ANGST, Fluff, implied smut

Word Count: 2200

“Shit!!!” Erik yelled accompanied by a loud thud so jarring it woke you out of the first sleep you were getting in days.

You replied in a pleading, groggy whisper. “E please! You’re gonna wake the baby. What the hell are you doing anyway?”

“The power went out…and he’s already up.”

You heard your sons faint cry on the monitor and rose from your favorite armchair in the living room like a zombie to go feed, burp, change, cuddle…whichever of the nine things, if not all, that he required at this ungodly hour. You chose to nap here because Erik was PMS’ing…again. You knew raising a child with this stubborn ass man wouldn’t be easy, but lately Erik was on another level of pissing you off. His latest complaint was the fact that you babied Bakari too much.

“But he’s 4 months old E!” ...you exclaimed. He thought he should already be sleeping on his own.

You argued that you’re still breastfeeding and it’s a trek to get to him in the middle of the night. “Are you gonna start producing something more than keloids and muscles out of that chest for him instead?!”

You knew there was a root cause to Erik’s frustration, but you also knew that he needed time to express his feelings. Extra time that you didn’t have to give right now. So, for the third night in a row, he went to bed angry, while you took care of Bakari in his nursery and attempted to find peace in your comfy chair in between.

Brushing passed your husband without so much as a glance, you walk towards the hallway.

“I did that already.”

“You fed him?”

“Yeah..”

“And changed his…”

“Yes Y/N…that’s what I’m sayin, damn.

Bakari’s cries got louder by the minute.

“E…I’m exhausted. Don’t come at me with this attitude tonight ok?! I’m not beat for your shit right now.”

You make your way into your sons’ nursery and gently lift him from his crib. He’s beyond fussy but won’t latch on…not hungry. His diaper is dry…wow, Erik actually did that too. Bouncing Bakari lightly as you pace the room, you start to hum a melody hoping this will work.

“He’s hot…” Erik appeared at the door. “He’s pissed cuz there’s no air circulating. I opened the window, thought the rain would calm him down but clearly. Come on, let’s go…”

You look down to see three bags at Erik’s feet, one being an expertly packed diaper bag.

“Go where E? It’s a whole storm outside. And it’s 3AM.”

“The rain let up and it’s not windy anymore. Don’t you trust me?” You scoffed…

“Just come on girl.”

The three of you piled into Erik’s huge truck. He held the door as you secured Bakari in, choosing to sit next to him in the backseat just in case he started screaming again. Movement always helped when he was this antsy, but you were way too tired to do your usual laps around the loft to get him to sleep this time.

Erik slammed the driver’s side door, which of course scared the baby, making him scream yet again. You shot him a cold look in the rearview mirror.

“My bad.”

Addressing your son in baby talk…

“It’s okay my love…don’t cry. Daddy’s trying to take your place this week. Did he steal some of your diaper’s tonight Bakari? Is that the real reason why he was in your room?? You can tell mama…”

Erik just shook his head. Your teasing, the AC blasting and the sound of the open road actually did the trick. Bakari went from sobbing to giggling to REM sleep in no time. You didn’t bother asking Erik where you were going because, let’s be honest, you knew he wasn’t going to tell you anyway, so you decided to knock out also.

2 hours later

Erik hopped out of the truck and took the bags in to the house. He then gently took his son out of his seat before waking you up.

“Y/N…babe we’re here.”

“Are we back home?”

“Well, home for a few days yeah.”

You reluctantly took Erik’s hand as he helped you out of the car. One quick but GOOD nap wasn’t going to make you suddenly forget that you were mad at him.

“Did you remember to bring…”

“Your pump? I got everything Y/N. And whatever I didn’t pack is available here.”

Erik led you into a BEAUTIFUL beach house. Still holding Bakari, he smirked at your reaction to this surprise. Kissing you on your temple, thoroughly amused at your shocked expression…

“I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go put him down.”

You couldn’t even answer. Mesmerized by the sound of the waves crashing, you walked towards the back of the open concept house in awe. The infinity pool overlooked a beautiful pre-dawn sky and the smell of fresh air hitting your nostrils was intoxicating. Truth be told, you wanted Erik to rip your clothes off and take you right here on this patio, but you needed to suppress that urge for the time being.

He walked up behind you, slowly placing his arms around your waist. It had been days since he touched you, his unexplained mood keeping you both in your individual corners of the boxing ring that had become your home. You closed your eyes and allowed yourself to lean into him. He traced a line from your ear lobe to your shoulder with his lips. You were a goner.

“Baby…who’s house is this?”

“It’s ours.”

You turned to face him. Erik had a sly grin on his face, a sight you also hadn’t seen in a very long time. Playfully hitting his chest… “Erik stop playin’. Did you steal this house? Are the owners on vacation and coming back in the morning? What’s the deal? Should I go grab Bakari now or…?” Erik caught your hand as you pretended to walk away. He had to admit that he missed this side of you too.  

“It’s kind of an inheritance thing. T’s dumbass was gonna get rid of it. Talkin’ bout some…’N’Jadaka, I live in Wakanda, why on earth do I need a house by this polluted Californian ocean?’”

You were laughing hysterically at this point. You loved when Erik impersonated T’Challa’s accent…he was SO BAD at it. You were softening up again, dammit this man was good at getting you to let your guard down. You moved closer to him, hands on his shoulders as he bit his bottom lip….he knew that made you weak too. His hands were now roaming your hips and cheeks.

“Oh really…that’s what he said huh?”

“Yep, just like that. So, I told him, T, don’t you dare get rid of this house. It’s a family keepsake, you know. My badass wife and beautiful son deserve this house T. So here we are.”

“Here we are….”

His lips finally overtook yours. All concern for previous arguments melted away as Erik lifted your legs around his waist and carried you to a lounge chair. He then ripped your clothes off and had his way with you. Filling you almost immediately, the sound of the crashing waves was no match for the moans you released finally feeling his touch again.

A little later…

You walked back out towards the pool wrapped in a blanket to rejoin Erik who was still sprawled, bare chest and as sexy as ever on the chaise lounge. The sun had just started to rise, and you couldn’t be more grateful for this moment with your man.

Nestling back into his side, Erik’s hands found their way back to some of his favorite spots on your body.

“Is he ok?”

“Yeah, I fed him, and he went right back to sleep. I think he loves it here too.”

“Y/N, I owe you an apology.” You stayed silent, this was rare, and you didn’t want any sudden movements to make him change his mind. Erik wasn’t big on words or explanations. He covered you and Bakari like no one else could. You felt protected and loved beyond measure, but there was something about having a child that opened up a new well in Erik’s heart. You fell more and more in love with him in these last few months, which was why the difference in his recent behavior had caught you so off guard.

You sat up slightly to face him, encouraging him to continue.

“I started having dreams about my pops. At first, they were nice, we’d be chillin at the playground when I was a kid or on the courts playin’ ball. He’d be laughing with me, pushing me on a swing. I’d smile cuz I’d think about those times that I’d have with B…then the dreams got dark. My mother would appear, her eyes real dark, black…and she’d end up killing me or my father in one of the dreams. Every time she’d laugh about it and I couldn’t do anything but watch. I was stuck in the corner of the room, in that same blue hoodie I was wearing when I found my dad. She’d walk over and whisper shit like, ‘you’ll never have what we had’, ‘you can never be free’. And then I’d pop up.”

By the time he finished there were tears streaming down both of your faces. You kissed his away and held him close.

“Erik, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I wanted to; I just didn’t want to scare you. The first time it happened it was really late, and you were in the other room singing to Bakari. The two of you were so peaceful…so I just listened to your voice with him and that calmed me down. I had another one a few days ago. She was in our room, standing over B’s rocker, just staring at him with those dark eyes. Then she looked over at you sleeping with your hand on him. I was stuck to the damn bed, couldn’t move. That shit was so real Y/N”

“That’s why you didn’t want him in the room.”

“Yeah…I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to do. That seemed like the most immediate solve at the time.”

You readjusted to straddle Erik’s lap. Your love language was touch and luckily you knew Erik found peace the closer you were to him. You felt his heart beating as you retraced the scars on his chest. You steadied your hand there for a minute as he continued.

“T noticed something was off with me…”, finishing the sentence in unison…

“…because he’s T.” You both laughed. You were so grateful for his family and the second chance he had been given with them, in these very moments especially.

“Anyway, his nosy ass told my auntie about the dreams, but she really helped. She reminded me that my parents really did love me, even my mother. And that the dreams were just traces of my old life of violence refusing to die. I guess because…”

“Because you don’t think you deserve this joy…a chance at real peace?”

“Yeah…” He tried to break his gaze from your loving eyes, but you wouldn’t allow it. You held his face and kissed him softly. You moved slowly, hoping that the connection of your lips to his would somehow reassure him of who he was…recharging him in some way.

“Erik Stevens. N’Jadaka. You are my king. I loved you before I knew about your past, I loved you after I found out all of the secrets you tried to hide and since you’ve made me a mother to our gift, I’ve managed to love you even more. I feel safe, adored and beautiful when I’m with you, baby. And you know what, that little boy back there already loves and adores you too. You can calm him down in minutes…you already make him laugh. I know this hasn’t been easy, but you’ve earned this happiness. Life isn’t perfect, babe. But all of that darkness is behind us now. Let me be here for you too. We have a very bright future ahead, but I need you present and here with us to enjoy it…all of you.”

“I gotchu princess. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Erik suddenly had a mischievous look in his eyes. You jumped up because you knew him all too well, but not fast enough. He started tickling you and laughing like a lunatic.

“Erik, stop! Your behind goes from 0 to a thousand in seconds!”

He pauses for a minute, getting close to your ear.

“Let’s make another baby.”

You laugh even louder now at this ridiculous notion and try to escape his arms.

“Uh huh! This birth control stays IN Mr. Stevens! Too soon…WAY too soon. I don’t love you that much.”

He chased you inside and into the bedroom. Hovering over you on this perfect king-sized bed, ready to pounce. There was no way you’d be willing to have another baby this soon, but there was absolutely no harm in practicing the latest techniques with this gorgeous man you cherished while Bakari finally slept peacefully in the other room.

[immortalcoelacanth]

Between the Walls, Chapter 5: Turtles, Bees, and Hybrids in Between

*drags self out of hole and drops chapter*

God this was a struggle to write with school but here we are! Clocking in at either the second or third longest chapter I've ever written for a fic! Please forgive me if there's any spelling errors!

... I didn't help that every time I opened the doc I use to work on this it kept opening up to the chapter that involves Dream XD

Word count: 9016 (yes, you read that right)

Summary: Tubbo sets out to reunite with Tommy, Tommy makes a new friend, and a ghost unintentionally makes their reunion harder. 

“Where did you take Tommy?!”

“Keep it down, kid, or else you’ll get in trouble!”

“I don’t care! Where is he?!”

For the past several days, Tubbo had been trying to figure out where Tommy had been exiled to. He had interrogated practically all the other borrowers who had been involved in kicking his friend, his brother, out of the only home he had ever known.

All the borrowers other than the one responsible for actually taking him to where he was exiled to, that is. Fortunately, finding the woman had not been all that hard since he knew the… wilder borrowers tended to stay near either the front gate or the market when they were trading items they had managed to scavenge. After asking around the market to see if anyone knew where she was, made tougher by the fact that he had no clue what her name was and only had a vague description of what she looked like, he had eventually been told that she was last spotted at the front gate.

Which led to the current predicament with Tubbo facing one of the borrowers responsible for his friend’s exile. His hands were planted on his hips as he glared the woman down, refusing to let her pass until she answered his question.

The woman placed her head in her hands and sighed loudly. “Listen, I can’t. I can’t tell you. I can’t take you to him. I can’t do any of those things since I’d get in so much trouble-”

“I. Don’t. Care.” Tubbo spat, the pure venom and anger in his voice causing the other borrower to recoil. “And I’ll do whatever I have to so I can see Tommy again! So, uh…”

The anger on his face faded, turning to sheepish embarrassment. “What’s your name?”

“Sara.”

“Alright, Sara,” The venom was back, albeit not as strong as it was before. “I won’t rest until I’m with Tommy again, so you had better tell me where he is! Or else!”

Even with his unusually angry demeanor, Tubbo doubted his threats would be taken all that seriously thanks to both his unfortunately short height and typically meek demeanor. He had never been all that good at standing up for himself and fighting back, Tommy had always been more confident and headstrong, willing to stick up for him no matter what.

He missed Tommy, so much.

It was like there was a piece of his heart missing. His very soul seemed to ache with each passing day and, even though some of the adults in Borrowton were a bit nicer to him, their warmth failed to chase away the cold feeling that had engulfed him. He needed Tommy, needed to see his best friend again and make sure he was okay, and he would do whatever was needed to accomplish this goal.

No matter how weak or scared he was.

“Alright, alright.” Sara sighed as she held her hands out. “How about this. I can’t take you directly to him, but I’ll drop you off nearby and point you in the direction you need to go. That sound good?”

Tubbo immediately nodded his head, his previously aggressive stance relaxing as relief flowed through him. “That would work! Can we leave now? Soon? By the end of today? When do you think-”

“Holy crap, one thing at a time.” The older borrower interrupted, looking more than a little annoyed at the sudden bombardment of questions. “Luckily for you I was gonna leave soon anyways. Just let me get all my supplies packed up and then we can go. You’ll probably want to get some stuff for yourself as well.”

Perhaps it was a bit naive of him to not question her further, drill her on why she had changed her mind so fast, but he was too caught up in his excitement to think about anything other than his reunion with Tommy. He quickly nodded once more, already thinking about what he would need to get from his… house.

Not a home, it was never a home.

“Then get outta here! I’ll meet you at the front gate.” Sara insisted as she shooed Tubbo away. “Scram before we both get in trouble!”

“Y-Yeah, and thank you!” The younger borrower called out as he quickly ran off, stumbling in his haste to reach his destination. He did his best to stick to some of the darker, more hidden paths so he could avoid encountering anyone else lest they see the hopeful look on his face.

Borrowton itself was not at that large, but it was tall. The settlement had originally been built underground before reaching upwards and connecting with a tree that grew above it. Roots had been carved to form staircases and ladders stretched down from the higher levels. There were also wood and rope pathways that connected each of the towering structures, allowing people to use them to easily cross over to other towers, or simply sit on them and rest while taking in the scenery.

He and Tommy had frequently sat up on these pathways, staring down at the ground that was so very, very far below them, or use it as a chance to annoy some of the borrowers who walked underneath them.

Fishing rods were perfect for stealing hats, and other interesting looking items.

Shorter, more typical houses also littered the ground. They were some of the oldest structures in the settlement, made long before some of the borrowers who founded this place decided to get a bit more creative and inventive with their building. And it was in one of these old, dilapidated houses that Tommy and Tubbo lived.

Well, it wasn’t really their house. It was more so a place that they had permission to live in, since no one else wanted to take them in or offer up their own place to stay. A blatant rejection by their community, but Tubbo had learned to stop caring about that a long time ago.

The second he reached his destination, he flung the door open, raced inside, and quickly closed it behind him.

“Okay, okay. Get the important stuff and don’t worry about the rest.” Tubbo mumbled as he quickly scanned the dark interior of his house. He didn’t bother to light any of the lamps and instead opted to grab a backpack and start filling it with supplies. Tools, food, some bottles of water, and building supplies were all quickly shoved into the bag, haste taking priority over organization.

Of course, with his speed and intense focus, the borrower was bound to slip up and make a mistake somewhere. This manifested in him accidentally smacking into one of the walls near the staircase that led up to the loft, knocking it loose and causing it to slide to the side-

Revealing their hidden stash of items.

Tubbo froze as he caught sight of the worn-down jukebox that had been shoved into the corner of the cramped space. The wood was chipped, he could recall the splinters he had to help get out of Tommy’s hands on multiple occasions, and the varnish had long since faded entirely.

And yet, even with all that damage it still sounded amazing.

He smiled gently as he reached out and carefully patted the top of the jukebox. This item had brought them both so many happy memories, moments of joy without having to worry about anything else. It was undoubtedly the most important item the duo had, a title shared only by the two discs that the borrowers had kept hidden from the community that had shunned them.

Such rare items that could only be found and never replicated were priceless and would have immediately been used to handle all sorts of vital trades with other settlements, but the duo did not care. The discs were theirs, and that was that. He knew for a fact that Tommy would never give them up, and he wouldn’t either.

Tubbo reached around the jukebox and carefully removed the thin, wooden container that had been hidden by its bulky frame. He quickly opened it to check and see if the items it contained were still okay. The two discs, Cat and Mellohi written on both of them to help identify which was which, immediately greeted his worried gaze. They were both perfectly fine, no scratches or blemishes to be seen, and the borrower let out a relieved sigh.

Even if he couldn’t bring the jukebox with him, at least he could give Tommy the discs once they were reunited.

The case was carefully added to the backpack, some items placed on top of it to hide it from sight, and Tubbo took one last look of the closest thing to a home he had ever known. From the low hanging ceiling and the loft that housed both of their beds, to the tiny kitchen Tommy had set on fire more than once, the house was just as worn down and broken as they were, but they had lived their best life regardless.

Discarded like the trash everyone thought they were, left in a rotting home and ignored, but he and Tommy had come out all the stronger in spite of it.

A quiet, near inaudible voice whispered that he should set the house ablaze, turn his past to ashes and rise out of the destruction that had caused, confident and victorious. To leave a remainder that they had failed to break him, break his spirit, but he quickly ignored it and instead shouldered his backpack.

No, it would be better to disappear without a trace and show them how insignificant they all were to him. He wouldn’t give them the satisfaction in letting them know how badly they had all hurt him. How close they had gotten to their goal.

So, Tubbo turned and left his old house behind. The door was carefully shut and he patted it, knowing it would be the last time he saw this place. It was bittersweet, leaving like this, but he knew this was the right path forward.

He had to see Tommy again.

He would see Tommy again.

With that thought, that promise, in mind he quickly ducked back into the darker alleyways and slowly but surely made his way to the front gate. Occasionally he would have to stop and wait as other borrowers, and the occasional guard, passed him by, but he ultimately managed to reach his destination with little difficulty.

He immediately spotted Sara after making his way up the hill that connected the gate to the rest of Borrowton, having internally panicked the entire time about being seen. It looked like the guards were busy with something else, probably patrolling parts of the dark forest for any items dropped by mobs, which meant this was the perfect time for his departure from Borrowton.

Using up the last of his energy, he sprinted the rest of the way to the older borrower, dropping to his knees beside her as he took a moment to catch his breath. It was a moment that was quickly interrupted as Sara snagged the back of his shirt and dragged him towards the collection of shrubbery that surrounded the front gate, hiding it from sight.

And in turn hiding both Tubbo and the other borrower from the guards.

He let out a yelp as he was finally let go, dropping flat onto his back while Sara crossed her arms and tapped her foot in annoyance. He glanced up at her and opened his mouth to speak, but before he could start talking she turned around and disappeared into the foliage.

Taking that as his sign to follow her, he quickly pushed himself upright and raced through the last bits of greenery that helped hide Borrowton. Shoving through large leaves, and nearly getting smacked in the face by a twig, he burst into the warm sunlight that peeked between the trees.

It was weird seeing the sun, but it was even weirder seeing the large fox that must have been patiently waiting for them, bags full of supplies scattered around it. The life he lived was not a sheltered one, per say, but he rarely got the chance to leave Borrowton and really experience the world around him. He had always been good working with his hands, and the adults all told him that he would grow up to create things, to build and help their home. Whenever he asked about Tommy, about what his role would be, he had only ever seen disappointed frowns and the shaking of heads.

Like they had given up on him before trying, deciding he wasn’t worth whatever effort they were willing to give out.

“This is my fox.” Sara explained as she patted the animal’s flank, unintentionally snapping Tubbo out of his memory filled haze. “He’s gonna be our ticket to getting you to your friend, so you better be nice.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be extra nice!” He assured her as he got up and made his way over to the fox. Once he was close enough, he scratched behind the fox’s ears, grinning at the happy noises the animal made. A contemplative look crossed his face, and he decided to voice his question. “Does he have a name?” “No? He’s just a fox.” Sara stiffly replied as she started tying the bags to the fox’s sides, attaching them to the near invisible harness the animal was wearing. “And everyone knows he’s mine, so he doesn’t need a name.”

“Oh…” Tubbo mumbled, appearing downcast before perking up. “Can I give him a nickname, then? Something I can call him?”

Though she seemed incredibly confused by his question, she hesitantly nodded. “Yeah? I can’t really do anything to stop you.”

“I’ll call him Squeeks then!” Tubbo beamed. “Because he sounds all squeaky, but spelled differently! Uniquely!”

As if agreeing with Tubbo’s decision, the newly named Squeeks let out an excited squeal and bumped the young borrower. He laughed and continued to love on the energetic creature as Sara finished up their preparations.

Time seemed to both drag on and race by, and before Tubbo knew it the other borrower had finished packing up and was already climbing onto the fox, with him following behind a moment later. The fur beneath his hands was nice and fluffy, as soft as Squeeks was, and served to be the perfect distraction that stopped him from noticing the little whistle Sara let out.

“Time to go!”

That was the only warning he got as the fox started dashing between the trees and emerging into a large, open field. He winced and lifted a hand up to block the harsh rays coming from the sun. It was so… so bright out here! And all the blue-

“Is that an ocean?” Tubbo gasped, jaw dropping in surprise upon seeing the massive body of water that was apparently situated not that far from his old home. “We live near an ocean?!”

“Lived, in your case, and yeah.” Sara answered, quickly glancing back at the younger borrower before returning her eyes to the horizon. “Water and borrowers don’t really mix, so it’s more of a restricted area.”

“Well that’s a dumb rule.” He huffed. “How else are we supposed to get used to water if we aren’t around it? It just doesn’t make sense!”

“Rules don’t tend to make sense, and enjoy the scenery while you can since we gotta go pretty far inland.” The older borrower said before falling silent and focusing on making sure the fox was headed in the right direction. There were several times where Tubbo opened his mouth to speak, wanting to ask a question, but ultimately remained silent and instead opted to watch their slowly changing surroundings.

It gave him plenty of time to think, too. Think about where he was going and what he was going to do, and ask himself some questions that he knew would go unanswered.

Questions about humans.

What did a settlement of humans even look like? He had only heard about the occasional town, knew there was one close to Borrowton, but he had never been allowed to visit it. Too small and dangerous for borrowing, apparently. Would this place be like that one? Small and difficult to find a good hiding spot? What about the humans?

Would they be as cruel and cunning as he had been told, or would he find a human who was nice and wouldn’t kill him if he was spotted? He had so many questions, and the time for their answers would have to come much later…

“Here we are.”

The sound of Sara’s voice snapped Tubbo out of his thoughts and he straightened up, eyes landing on the collection of structures ahead. Some were made out of wood, others out of what appeared to be different kinds of stone, and there were sprawling wooden paths that stretched out in all sorts of directions.

It was… intimidating to say the least.

He had no idea how long it would take him to try and find Tommy. There were so many spaces a borrower could hide in. From the buildings themselves to the various trees and shrubs that could easily be used as a hiding spot, practically everywhere had the potential to house a borrower to some extent. And this was only a portion of what he would need to explore.

Tommy could be anywhere if he found him at all.

Tubbo nervously swallowed as he slid off of Squeeks, the fox immediately started nuzzling his back and nearly knocked the poor borrower over. He let out an awkward laugh, mood lightening just the slightest bit, and turned his attention to the affectionate animal.

“It was nice meeting you, Squeeks.” Tubbo said as he scratched at the fox’s ears and got that signature, laugh-like noise in response. He didn’t see how Sara’s eyes narrowed in annoyance, and it was only when she loudly cleared her throat that he looked up at her.

“And thank you for your help, Sara!” He hastily added. “I’m grateful, truly! I don’t know how I can repay you-”

“Don’t worry about that since this is the last time we’ll see one another.” She interrupted, her face rather blank and betraying none of her emotions. “So, forget about any of that and just live, alright kid?”

“Mhm!” Tubbo quickly nodded. While he wasn’t all that fond of leaving on such a note, debts were a powerful thing after all, he knew there was nothing he could say to change her mind. All he could hope was that working with her didn’t come back to bite him.

Maybe… maybe he and Tommy could stay here. There was always the chance that they could turn this place into their new home, a place they could live in without having to worry about being bothered by other borrowers. Of course, there was still the challenge of finding food, a good source of water, and actually building their home, but that was something they could work on over time.

Yes, that was it! He would build a temporary base, find Tommy, and then work on creating their own home!

With a plan in mind and hope filling his heart, Tubbo waved once more to Sara and set off on his mission. Dashing between the undergrowth and other forms of cover to keep himself from being seen by any humans, or dangerous animals, that might be nearby

Sara sighed softly to herself as she watched the younger borrower vanish from sight. It was so strange knowing that this was the second time she had done this, abandoning a child to some horribly doomed fate, but at least Tubbo had a better chance of surviving then Tommy did.

She let out a quiet snort and shook her head. It was highly unlikely he was still alive thanks to his temperament and what she knew of the Blood God. It wasn’t that she thought he was a bad person, but his habits and choices were… dangerous. It would have been all too easy for him to expose Borrowton to outsiders and humans. He never seriously considered what the consequences his actions would have when something went wrong, how selfish and immature he was.

He was nothing more than a threat to all the borrowers he interacted with, a threat to their way of life.

Good riddance.

                                                   xxxxxxxxxx

Warm sunlight shone down on the lonely cabin sitting in the middle of the empty tundra. The light brought with it an unusual warmth, making it the perfect day to spend some time outside gathering resources or fixing up the cabin.

Which was exactly what Technoblade had decided to do.

After repairing the damage that he had dealt to the porch, ignoring the borrower who had followed him outside and immediately started teasing him, the hybrid had decided to spend the rest of the day working on Carl’s stable. The least he could do was improve it so that way the horse would be comfortable in the harsh chill of the tundra.

Surprisingly enough, Tommy had trailed after him as he went from place to place using his own secret passages to keep up with the hybrid. It was fascinating being able to see the hidden doors that had previously gone unnoticed by him, and he was relieved to know that the property value of his home wouldn’t be going down.

Nothing was worse than having a bunch of holes in your house that made it look like it was infested by mice.

Still, the amount of ingenuity required to make something so simple yet complex, even if he had been taught how to do it before, was immense. Hell, if it wasn’t for naturally loud Tommy was, Techno doubted he would have ever found out about the borrower and all the passageways he had made. So, he ended paying more attention than he expected to Tommy when the borrower started making a pathway that connected to the top of Carl’s stable.

A bit unsurprising since he seemed to be very fond of the horse. He wasted no time in pointing out how much Carl seemed to like him, although Techno personally thought the horse was fairly apathetic towards Tommy’s attempts at friendship and only used it as a chance to get carrots from the borrower.

Carl was definitely the smartest being on the server, hands down.

Plus, he was immensely amused as he watched Tommy struggle to hold each carrot up, the vegetable practically the same size as the borrower. It was only through sheer stubbornness and willpower he was able to lift the thing in the first place.

And the occasional nudge from Techno that helped him keep his balance when he tipped back too far. Fences weren’t the safest of places to stand on, of course.

All in all, the day was turning out to be surprisingly productive and peaceful, even if he had to deal with listening to Tommy ramble on and on about whatever topic entered his mind. Techno was surprised to find himself actually listening more than he thought he would, occasionally chiming in with his own point or teasing the borrower. It was a welcome change after the excitement of freeing Carl.

A change that he knew wouldn’t last. Peace was an unfamiliar concept to his family, chaos was naturally drawn to them. Funnily enough, it was a trait that Tommy seemed to share. Speaking of the borrower…

“You’re just jealous that Carl thinks I’m better than you!” Tommy teased, smugly smirking at the hybrid, who just rolled his eyes and shook his head. “He knows how great I am!”

“I just think it’s pretty funny that you don’t realize your greatness,” Both the term and the heavy sarcastic tone had Tommy’s smile turning into a disgruntled frown, but Techno wasn’t done yet. “Is resulting in you getting exploited by a horse.”

“He’s not exploiting me!” The borrower objected. “We’re buddies! Best buddies! For someone who’s so smart with all his fancy words, you don’t seem to get it!”

“Oh, trust me, I get it completely.” Techno drawled, sparing a quick glance over at Carl. For as challenging as it was to pinpoint the horse’s emotions, he didn’t miss the cunning gleam in Carl’s eyes.

Suddenly, a screen popped up beside the hybrid. Tommy jumped back in alarm, nearly falling off the fence he was perched on. Fortunately, Carl quickly helped him resettle himself with a quick nudge and an exasperated sounding snort, as Techno turned his attention to the messages he had just received. Messages from Philza.

Shit.

He cursed under his breath as he began tapping away at the screen, ignoring the curious looks thrown his way by both the borrower and the horse. “Fuck, I forgot about Phil.”

“The fuck is Phil?” Tommy immediately asked, running along the stable’s fence as he tried to keep up with Techno’s strides. “And what’s with that screen thingy? You sending messages to any girls? Looking for any local hot women in the area?”

Naturally, his questions went unanswered as Techno continued mumbling to himself, something about bees and farms, leaving the borrower more than a little annoyed. Not wanting to be left behind, both literally and in terms of the conversation Techno was having with himself, he quickly came up with a plan to keep up. A plan that relied on a rapidly closing window of opportunity.

So, Tommy made his move.

He did not bother trying to get the hybrid’s attention and instead sprinted towards the end of the fence. The moment he reached the edge, he bent his knees and jumped.

For a moment, pure fear filled him as he lunged through the air, refusing to look downwards and instead remaining focused on grabbing onto the swaying braid in front of him. He could feel his heart pounding as he got closer, and closer, until-

His hands made contact with pink hair and he immediately held on as tight as he could. He crossed his ankles, locking his feet together, as he took a moment to catch his breath. He felt all sweaty and jittery, the lingering hints of adrenaline running through his veins. Once he finally felt calm enough to move, and his hands stopped shaking, he slowly started climbing up the long braid.

At this point, Techno had made his way into the cabin and was rummaging through the chests. He was completely unaware of the borrower climbing up his hair until he felt a particularly harsh tug at the back of his head followed by the sounds of Tommy cursing.

“What the fuck, man?! You nearly left me behind!” The borrower exclaimed as he heaved himself over the edge of Techno’s crown, flopping into the pink hair. He could still feel his heart racing from both the dangerous climb and the terrifying jump, but he also felt badass.

He knew of no other borrowers that could brag about such an achievement and, despite how out of breath he was, he found himself smiling as he lay sprawled out on top of the hybrid’s head.  

“Sorry.” Techno said, sounding not at all apologetic as that screen appeared once more. “Figured you could use the exercise with those twiggy legs of yours-”

“And here he goes again! Big, scary Blade acting all mean and stuff! Gotta keep up that tough guy act!” Tommy grumbled while waving his hands in the air dramatically.

He heard Techno let out an amused snort at his antics, making a grin appear on the borrower’s face. There was something satisfying about seeing a positive reaction to his antics for once instead of being scolded or told off. For as dangerous as the hybrid could be, Tommy had developed some trust towards him.

But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to make Techno suffer for almost leaving him out in the cold. Revenge was in the cards, and he refused to miss this chance.

“... You know it’s okay to look up hot old men in your area too right-”

Tommy’s grin grew as he heard the strangled wheeze escape the hybrid, and he threw his head back and cackled. Flopping back into the soft, pink hair he rolled around as he laughed and nearly smacked into the crown surrounding him.

“You’re horrible, and your jokes are cringe.” Techno grumbled. “Phil is my-”

What words could properly describe the connection forged between them? A pact sealed in bloodshed, violence, and a level of comprehension that far exceeded anything he had ever known in his life.

The look of understanding in Philza’s eyes. A grounding voice, a source of stability in a crimson sea of death and loneliness.

A mentor, a savior, a-

“... Dad.” He finally settled on, figuring it would be the easiest way for Tommy to understand what he meant. “He’ll be here, soon.”

“What?!” The borrower squawked, his previous amusement fading and quickly being replaced with dread. He stood up, gripped the edge of the crown, and looked down into Techno’s face. “Y-You have to tell me these things! We’re roommates! And you have a dad?!”

“To be fair, he was supposed to visit a couple days ago, but then Carl happened.”

“That doesn’t explain anything!”  

A brow was raised at the shout, Techno easily picking up on the anxiety that made the kid’s voice crack and left him trembling. It was bizarre seeing Tommy so openly terrified, and at the thought of meeting Philza no less.

Philza Minecraft, who had the unfortunate habit of picking up any homeless kid he found on the street and giving them the shelter and support they so desperately craved.

Even if he occasionally left for long periods of time...

His ears twitched, the distant sounds of Wilbur’s shouts and Phil’s pleas for him to calm down ringing in his head. He glanced upwards, eyes meeting the wide, terrified stare of the borrower, and felt the neutral look on his face soften. He didn’t like the idea of the kid being scared, in general and of Phil, and it just felt… wrong.

It felt wrong for Tommy to be afraid of anything. For his arrogance and loud nature to become so quiet and muffled. To see that spark in his eyes dull.

“There’s nothing you need to be worried about-”

“Easy for you to say!” Tommy interrupted with a scoff. “You’re you! You’re all tough and mehmehmeh look at all these swords and potions I’ve got! You don’t have to be worried! You don’t have to be scared! You…”

His words trailed off with a sigh and he braced himself against the edge of the crown, eyes shutting. “You don’t know what it’s like to have to be scared of everything.”

No, Techno didn’t know anything about what it must be like to live at such a diminutive size, although he was familiar with the fear and struggle of trying to survive.

Scorching hot air, bubbling lava. Frantic running and a gold sword clutched tightly in his hands-

Perhaps that familiarity was why he found himself speaking up, repeating the words that had been spoken to him years ago.

“I won’t let anything hurt you.”

The declaration that had slipped out of Techno left the duo frozen and silent, each contemplating the meaning behind his words. While the hybrid was mentally berating himself on making such a claim, not that he couldn’t easily fulfill it, the borrower’s eyes snapped open and he looked down, meeting Techno’s gaze once more. He swallowed, mouth suddenly dry, and spoke up.

“... Really?”

He hated it, hated how childish and weak he sounded, but at the same time he craved reassurance and wanted to know that he would be okay, that everything would turn out okay.

He just wanted to know that he’d be safe.

Techno nodded, unintentionally jostling the borrower around a bit as he struggled to figure out how exactly to word what he wanted to say. Eventually, he settled on a simple. “Yeah, really.”

A moment of silence passed, then two, and then-

“Okay,” Tommy relented, letting out a quiet sigh and nodding. “I trust you, Blade.”

“Wait over here for now. You’ll warm up to Phil pretty quick.” Techno suggested with a knowing tone in his voice as he plucked the borrower off the top of his head and carried him over to the table. Even as Tommy scampered across the surface to duck behind a book he had left out, fear and uncertainty clear in the kid’s eyes, he knew those feelings would vanish soon enough.

Phil had a way with people that he could never hope to comprehend, a skill that had come in handy when they had first met all those years ago in the scorching heat of the Nether. A skill that had equally come in handy when a grungy child carrying a broken guitar had been found rummaging through the trash.

Instinctively knowing how to soothe them and their worries, to calm their fears.

So, despite the anxious looks that were sent his way, he walked over to the front window and waited.

Tommy honestly had no idea what he expected Phil to look like. Techno had given him no information whatsoever, the prick, and the only thing he knew was that Phil was his dad, which meant they probably looked similar?

At least he now knew that he had gotten one of his first jokes about Techno right.

Simply put, it was only when he caught sight of the short, blond man entering the cabin that he realized Techno was adopted, or was most likely adopted. They didn’t seem to have anything in common based on their appearances, other than the fact that both of them looked to be fond of capes since Phil was wearing a long, black cape that stretched towards the floor.

Funnily enough, it was pretty stiff for a cape. There was none of the cool flowing he had grown used to seeing, but maybe that was because of the cold.

Anything would freeze out in the open tundra, including capes.

However, his assumption that Phil and Techno were both just cape obsessed fashionistas was quickly proven false when the newcomer’s cape moved. He heard something that sounded like the rustling of leaves on a windy day and watched in awe as the cape seemed to expand and open up, breaking into two separate parts-

Wings.  

“You’ve got wings!” The borrower exclaimed, ducking out from behind his hiding spot and pointing at Phil. Both hybrids, assuming Phil was a hybrid of some sort, immediately turned to face him. He was more than used to Techno staring at him, all analytical and like he wanted to figure out everything about the borrower, but Phil was-

Different.

Where Techno’s eyes were cold and hard, Phil’s carried a warmth and softness within them. Even the smile on his face was gentle and, for some reason, helped soothe the lingering anxiety Tommy felt. It was a look he had seen addressed to many children back at Borrowton, but never to him. From that expression alone, he immediately knew one thing.

Phil wouldn’t hurt him.

“Hello there.” The winged hybrid greeted, taking a step closer to the table but still keeping his distance. “Didn’t know someone got a roommate-”

“Infestation.” Techno quickly corrected with a snort. “I didn’t put out an add or anything. Roommates suck.”

“Aw, it’s okay to feel lonely, Tech-”

Tommy watched as the duo started bantering back and forth, Phil continuing to tease Techno while the other hybrid responded in kind with his own barbs and jests. It was weird seeing him be so openly social, and for once in his life he found himself speechless.

That is, until Phil’s eyes landed on him yet again.

He didn’t stiffen up, nor did he try to hide from the winged man’s gaze. He instead held it and waited to see what would happen next, immediately being surprised when Phil sent him that same gentle smile from earlier.

“It’s nice to meet you, mate. I’m Philza, but you can call me Phil.”

“Tommy.” He mumbled, voice barely loud enough to be heard.

He felt so out of his depth in this new situation, everything was moving so fast and he had already possibly befriended someone else? The kind look in the winged hybrid’s eyes certainly made it seem like he cared, which would imply that friendship was not far off, right?

“So, is he joining us?” Phil asked, turning to Techno and in turn missing the confused look that crossed the borrower’s face.

“Joining? What’s going on?” Tommy piped up, his curiosity helping him find his voice. “You two going out somewhere?”

“Phil and I need to make some farms.” Techno explained. “A bee farm and a turtle farm, but we need to gather the resources first. I wasn’t planning on you tagging along, but you can if you don’t bother Phil.”

Asking Tommy to behave was out of the question, he understood how excited the kid could get and in turn how forgetful and unobservant he could become. The bare minimum he could hope for was for Tommy to reign in his excitement just enough to stop him from bugging Phil and distracting him.  

Like he expected, Tommy’s eyes lit up in excitement and he eagerly nodded. “Fuck yeah! We headin’ out now? I can go grab my stuff-”

“The sooner you get ready, the better.” Techno interrupted as he shooed him away. “So, scram and get ready.”

As Tommy rushed into the nearby borrower hole that he had thankfully made the day prior, his excited rambling cutting off not long after he disappeared from sight, Techno pointedly ignored the smug look Phil sent his way.

“So, adoption-”

“Eugh, cringe.” Techno immediately interrupted, not wanting the conversation to progress any further. “Taking in an orphan? Providing emotional support? Couldn’t be me.”

“Nice to know what you think of me.” Phil quipped. He let out a laugh when he saw the concerned, almost horrified, look that crossed his adopted son’s face. “Relax! Relax, it’s just a joke, mate.”

His amusement faded and his smile took on a more concerned edge as he looked Techno over, eyes landing on the familiar blood red cape. “You’re more high strung than usual. Did something happen?”

“You mean aside from the nuisance that invaded my home?” Techno dryly retorted. “And I’m…”

Lie, lie, lie-

“... As good as I can be.” He answered, voice growing quieter. A quick inspection of his father had him noticing the dark shadows under Phil’s eyes and how dull his feathers were compared to their typical luster. “You?”

“Eh, I’m holding up.” Phil shrugged. “L’Manberg’s been busy, keeps me busy too.”

The look of disgust and annoyance that crossed Techno’s face got a laugh out of the other man. “You still got something in mind for them, mate?”

“A plan, and some trips to the Nether.”

“Nice, tell me if you need anymore help-”

One of Techno’s ears twitched and he glanced over at the borrower hole, a clear sign that their conversation was finished for now. Together, they both watched as the cover to the hole was moved and Tommy stumbled out of it, a bag now slung over his shoulders.

He looked… relatively unprepared compared to the two armor wearing and weapon carrying hybrids.

“Is that everything you need?” Phil asked, frowning slightly as he took in the simple bag Tommy was carrying. “No tools?”

“... I have my axe? My grappling hook?” The borrower hedged as he picked up a rather shoddy looking stone axe that had been attached to his belt. “Dunno what else I’d really need, old man.”

Already seeing Phil starting to get all concerned parent thanks to the look on his face combined with the fluffing up of his feathers, Techno decided to jump in and spare Tommy from the mother henning that was about to happen.

… He also stubbornly ignored the faint ache of his heart, unintentionally recalling how Wilbur had given Phil that title and teased him relentlessly with it.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got him covered.” He interjected while striding towards the chest at the edge of the room. “Armor’s still a struggle, but I finished something else up.”

“Armor?” Tommy visibly perked up and stared intensely at Techno’s back. “What armor?”

“Your hypothetical armor.”

The borrower’s jaw dropped while Phil looked more than a little interested, stepping forward and glancing at the chest that was being rummaged in. Techno ignored the both of them until he found what he had been searching for.

Straightening up and facing the duo, he presented the item he had been working on. “I was planning on giving this to you later, but now works too.”

It was a needle. A simple needle forged out of some dark metal that looked wickedly sharp to the touch. It was the perfect weapon for someone Tommy’s size, and the borrower carefully accepted it as it was passed to him. He could see his reflection staring back at him in the carefully polished metal.

Why…

“If you stab yourself I’m taking it back.”

“Wh-I won’t!” Tommy shouted, quickly looking up and glaring at Techno. “I know how to use this! We’ve been practicing-”

“And we’ll keep practicing until you stop tripping over your own feet.”

“Fuck off!”

The winged hybrid let out a contemplative hum as he inspected the weapon. “Why not try enchanting it as well? Fire aspect could be helpful.”

“I’m not giving him something that’ll let him burn down my house, Phil.”

“I bet he would’ve done that by now if he really wanted to.” Phil chuckled while shaking his head. “And you know what I mean. A bit of pain won’t scare everyone off, but some fire could help with that.”

The unspoken a needle can’t pierce through all armor and fire might deal more damage.

Techno remained silent as he thought the suggestion over before eventually nodding. “Alright, I’ll look into enchanting it once we get back. We’re far enough behind on those farms and we need to get them finished as soon as possible.”

“How about you go and get those turtle eggs while I take Tommy to find some bees?” Phil suggested, smiling to himself when he saw how excited the borrower looked. “Gives you a break and splits up the work so we can get it done faster.”

“You sure you can keep up in your old age?” Techno teased. “Make sure you don’t hurt your back.”

The wing that lightly smacked his side along with the exaggerated eye rolling made him feel both warm and cold. The familiarity of the gesture bringing back fond memories, and reminding him that those moments would stay memories no matter what.

That there would always be someone missing from their family, even with the husk that had been left behind.

He could see that lingering grief in Phil’s eyes, too, recalling times that had long since passed. An unspoken agreement passed between the duo, a promise that neither would mention the tragedy that had struck their family while Tommy was around.

Their grief was not something they wanted to share, nor did either of them want to dampen the excitement he clearly felt. So, Phil kept smiling as he replied.

“It’s been a bit, but I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

                                               xxxxxxxxxx

“THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING!!!” Tommy shouted, his voice quickly lost to the wind whipping around him. He heard Phil chuckle above him, and the borrower’s smile grew.

After practically begging the winged hybrid to take him flying, Phil had agreed with some conditions. The first was that Tommy was to be on his best behavior, no trying to jump out of the man’s hands or anything crazy like that. The second was that he couldn’t distract the flying hybrid, but conversations and the occasional excited exclamation was okay. As for the third…

He had to stay warm.

Part of Phil’s cloak had been wrapped around the borrower, blocking out the glacial gale. Gloved hands carefully cupped Tommy close, keeping him tucked against the winged hybrid’s chest. It was surprisingly cozy, and more than once he had zoned out and found himself unintentionally cuddling up to the man carrying him, listening to the steady beating of the powerful wings that made him soar through the air.

He wasn’t as warm as Techno was, but he doubted anyone could match the amount of heat he seemed to give off.

He was more than a little surprised at how quickly he had come to trust Phil, especially in comparison to Techno. While it had taken him some time to warm up to the pig-like hybrid, an experience that he was certain had been mutual, with Phil there had been an almost instantaneous feeling of trust he felt towards the winged hybrid.

It was honestly terrifying when he actually thought about it, how willing he had been to literally put his life in the hands of someone he had met only minutes ago, but at the same time it felt…

Right.

Like a puzzle piece sliding into place, the same feeling he had felt when Techno protected him oh so long ago. It wasn’t something he could explain with words or rationalize in any way. It just… was what it was.

A feeling that left him more hopeful than he had felt in years.

The sensation of descent that left his legs tingling and his stomach flip-flopping was enough to shake Tommy out of his thoughts, and he looked over the edge of Phil’s hands to see the snow covered ground slowly approaching them. A couple careful flaps of those massive wings slowly lowered them until Phil’s feet were resting on the ground.

“We have to do that again!” Tommy said, looking up and sending Phil a wide, excited smile. “It was awesome! And fast! Way faster than I thought an old man would be-”

“Alright, alright, settle down.” The winged hybrid chuckled. “We can’t do that with the bees-”

“Fuck the bees! Them and their queen!”

“But, we can always go flying again later.” Phil continued, fighting to keep down the laugh that bubbled up at Tommy’s words. “Probably not today though. Farms need to be made and all.”

To the borrower’s surprise, instead of being put down on the ground like he assumed, Phil lifted him up to his shoulder. He hesitated for a moment before carefully climbing over and situated himself among the folds of clothes and the side of Phil’s neck.

The man wore layers, and Tommy instinctively wrapped the outermost one around himself, unconsciously letting out a soft sigh as the heat sank back into him. He missed how the wing behind him was raised up higher, blocking out more of the brisk winds.

Phil knew he’d get a cramp at some point, but the last thing he wanted was for the tiny kid to freeze. His clothes weren’t made for the cold, something he’d have to look into later, and it was obvious Tommy had lived somewhere much warmer before ending up in Techno’s cabin.

Yet again, the man found himself wondering what events had led to Tommy winding up in the tundra. Had he gotten lost? Been separated from his family somehow? He didn’t know how much Techno knew about the kid’s situation, and resolved to ask about it once they got back.

Fortunately, it didn’t take all that long before they stumbled on some bees that had been buzzing around in the near empty tundra as they struggled to find flowers. The occasional hive could be spotted between the spruce trees as well, making this the perfect spot to abduct some bees.

The next several minutes were filled with the sounds of cheerful conversation as Phil slowly gathered up the bees and collected their hives. Tommy spent most of his time asking the hybrid about his wings and flying, while the borrower answered several questions about his own people. The answers were never too detailed, of course, just generalized explanations that wouldn’t risk exposing the location of Borrowton.

Despite the conversation bordering on some rather heavy topics, such as Tommy’s obvious lack of home and the fact that he had never heard about hybrids before, weird since he had met two before he had encountered any humans, they were able to steer it away from any risky questions.

In no way did Tommy wish to discuss the pain he had endured back in Borrowton, nor did Phil want to go into the injustices and discrimination that hybrids faced on a daily basis. Both topics were better suited for conversations much later down the line.

Unfortunately, even with his efforts to avoid talking and thinking about his old home, and the best friend he had left behind, the subject reared its ugly head eventually.

Caused by none other than a bee, of course.

It had been an especially curious bee out of the bunch they had gathered so far that spotted the borrower tucked away under a layer of green fabric. His hair had probably caught its attention, the bright blond extra visible thanks to the green surrounding him. Tommy laughed as the bee drifted closer, nearly bumping into him as it tried to inspect him. It was so large, and absolutely covered in fuzz. There had always been something about seeing bees that never failed to cheer Tubbo up-

Tubbo...

A sharp, agonized noise escaped him. Guilt surged through him as he slowly leaned away from the bee, scooting backwards and taking shelter behind Phil’s neck. He felt the man stiffen up before shooing the bee away.

“Tommy, you alright?” Phil asked, voice quiet so he didn’t accidentally upset the borrower further. “Did something happen? Did you get stung?”

“... No, it’s fine.” Tommy replied, pressing the fabric wrapped around him to his face. He could feel the chill that the tears slowly streaming down his cheeks brought on, but he refused to acknowledge them. “M’fine.”

Sensing the sudden melancholy that had taken over the borrower, the winged hybrid decided it was time to leave the snowy tundra. Carefully holding the leads in his hand, he trudged through the snow as the bees buzzed around them. “Let’s get back to Techno and see how many turtles he’s got left.”

“Got left?” Tommy repeated, mood slightly lifting at the change in topic. “You mean hatched?”

“Not exactly, mate. You’ll see what I mean when we get back.” Phil said while gently smiling at him. It was a smile that was shakily returned with one of Tommy’s own before fading a moment later.

The trip back was far more silent than the flight had been with the borrower making no jokes, nor commenting on their surroundings, and Phil not pressing and asking what was wrong. At least he didn’t have to worry about being interrogated and being forced to explain his feelings.

Explain Tubbo…

Returning to the cabin and finding Technoblade patrolling the perimeter of the turtle farm was enough to make that smile return to Tommy’s face and, when the hybrid started freaking out after the tiny turtle disappeared in a pile of snow, the laughter he let out was almost enough to make him forget about the ache in his chest.

Almost enough to distract him from the feelings of guilt that would haunt him for the rest of the day.

Tubbo.

I’ll come get you soon.

I promise.

                                                  xxxxxxxxxx

“This should be the place.” Tubbo quietly mumbled to himself, carefully hidden from sight. So far, he had barely been able to explore much of the expansive… town? City?

Whatever this place was, with all its structures made out of strange materials, it was massive, incomprehensibly large, and it made him worry all the more about how hard it would be to find Tommy in this mess of a place. To make matters worse, multiple times he had been forced to hide as people made their way across the paths.

All heavily armored and carrying shields, swords, bows, or axes.

This place was dangerous, very dangerous, and the sooner he found Tommy and got out of here, the better. The risk of being found was way too high, and what would happen to them after they were found-

No, he wouldn’t think of such things. Wouldn’t dare to think about the fact that Tommy could be dead, dying all alone-

Despite his efforts, such thoughts consumed his waking mind and permeated his subconscious. Ever since Tommy had first been forced out of Borrowton, Tubbo had not slept. Sure, he napped occasionally, but every time he shut his eyes he could not stop himself from imagining what could happen to Tommy when he was out there, all alone. It ate at him, even when he was awake, and left him far less mindful of his surroundings than he normally was.

As such, he was completely unaware of the figure looming over him until it was too late. Distantly, he noticed something blocking out the sun, a shadow falling over him, and it took him a moment to realize that the shadow was not shaped like a cloud-

He whirled around, terror filling him as he saw a pair of grey hands reaching for him, sunlight somehow streaming through them and making them seem… ghostly, as if they were not really there. He quickly stepped backwards, tripping over his own feet, and dropped to the ground. He cringed as pain raced up his wrists from his hands making impact with the ground, but he ignored it and scuttled backwards.

Unfortunately, he was far too slow to escape or find any sort of shelter to escape the towering being that had cornered him. Just as those hands closed in around him, he heard a cheerful voice ring out above him.

“Hello, friend!”

                                   xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Did Phil end up spending an unfortunately short amount of time with Tommy? Yes, but that's fine. He'll be spending plenty of time with another borrower in need of emotional support!