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lipsyncforyourlife · 3 years ago

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Jasmine Kennedie Reflects On A Life-Changing Untucked + "60s Girl Group" Recaps (Issue #8)

The RuPaul's Drag Race Official Newsletter

In this week’s newsletter, we sing the the praises of “60s Girl Groups,” count down the funniest reads from the Mini Challenge, and share an exclusive interview with Jasmine Kennedie. Don’t forget to subscribe so you can stay tuned for all of the latest Drag Race updates!

We’re eight weeks in and the competition is heating up! Sure, that could be said about every week, but as Willow Pill noted—cheesy as it may sound—this is the point in a Drag Race season when queens stop being polite and start getting real (obligatory hat tip to The Real World). At the official halfway mark of season 14, “60s Girl Groups” is a rollercoaster of an episode, packing in a signature Mini Challenge, an all-singing-all-dancing Maxi, and one heartbreaking elimination. It do take nerve, and these girls are realizing just how hard they have to fight for that crown. Hey mama, welcome to the 60’s—now let’s break it all down, note by note…

The Mini

The cast was riding high after a strong ensemble performance in “The Daytona Wind” and some sisterly bonding in Untucked, but the library opened just in time to remind them: What’s drag without a little shade? That’s right, our first real Mini in quite a few weeks is the highly anticipated “Reading Is Fundamental” challenge. In the grand tradition of Paris Is Burning, the queens were tasked with reading their sisters for filth, and, as always, it was a total gag. Let’s take a moment to appreciate the challenge’s best barbs.

The Top 5 Funniest Reads:

Kerri Colby to Jasmine Kennedie: “Miss Jasmine Mouth-Almighty: You know I am so glad that on this whole journey you have found… your silence.”

Lady Camden to Willow Pill: “I’m a lady, but you, you are a dame. A little dame. A little… hunchback of Notre Dame. Quasimodo she better do!”

Jorgeous to Jasmine Kennedie: “Why do you look so old, but you are so young! You are the definition of ‘White do crack.’”

Willow Pill to Jorgeous: “Serena ChaCha: Jorgeous, we know you’re skinny and need to eat, but unfortunately Orion’s ass is not on the food pyramid.”

Bosco to Lady Camden: “I’ve learned so much from Lady Camden. Did you know: In British, ‘fag’ means ‘cigarette’? It’s crazy! So, could somebody send this cigarette home?”

Damn, these girls were good—talk about reading comprehension! It was stiff competition, but ultimately Bosco snagged a deserving win, thanks in large part to her read of the entire cast at once, taking out eight birds with one shady stone: “I was walking around backstage and I actually found RuPaul’s will—you have some very weird criteria there. She wanted to be buried on the catwalk, and she wanted all of you to be her pallbearers… that way you could let her down on the runway one last time.” An immaculate joke.

The Set-Up

Next, we hopped in a time machine to 1964 for a patented “RuPaul Herstory Lesson” on an era when girl groups like The Supremes, The Shangri-Las, and The Ronettes (RIP Ronnie Spector!) dominated the charts, breaking down barriers in culture. They served as the inspiration for this week’s Maxi Challenge, in which the queens were tasked with performing a brand-new retro hit, writing and singing their own verses and coming up with their own dance routines. Ru announced they’d get to pick their own groups, which became less about finding the right teammates and more about shouting out which song they wanted to perform, leaving the Werk Room in pure chaos as the girls duked it out for their track of choice.

When the dust settled, our three groups of three got to work, first recording verses with Michelle Visage and writer/producer David Benjamin Steinberg, and later pacing out their choreo. The Shang-Ru-Las brought together Bosco, Daya, and Willow (a reunion of The Daytona Wind’s House Of Michaels), and the trio quickly agreed on a cohesive direction for their song, pleasing Michelle with its absurd, dirty details. Willow also revealed herself to be a stealth dancer, finding the group’s rhythm with some fancy footwork. Though the Runettes—DeJa, Jasmine, and Jorgeous—were modest about their vocal abilities, DeJa surprised with a nice set of pipes, which boded well for the group. However, her experience as a cheer coach for kids didn’t seem to translate when it came time to instruct two drag queens in their early twenties who struggled to get in step. Lastly, The Rupremes had a not-so-secret weapon in the form of Angeria, who has a great voice and a long history of performing as Ru’s favorite, Diana Ross. Experienced dancer Lady Camden wisely went simple with her choreography, but it was lost on Kerri who also had trouble shaking her “church lady" ways in the recording booth. Would all three groups be able to get in tune in time for the big number?

The Challenge

First up, The Shang-Ru-Las brought that boom-boomboom-clap to “Bad Boy Baby,” which was definitely the funniest of the pack, all three really nailing the moves and finding a way to bring some subtle character work to the performance. The song may have ended with the bad boy getting hit by a bus (“Like you dropped a hot bowl of spaghetti”), but this was far from a car crash. Then the Runettes gave us girl group realness with “He’s My Baby,” kicking things off on a high note with DeJa—a total Dreamgirl. Jorgeous might have had trouble in the recording booth, but ultimately made the smart decision to deliver her lyrics in a sultry, spoken-word tone, which was certainly era appropriate. Jasmine also pulled through with vocals, but found herself a little lost in the choreography. And for the final act, The Rupremes’ “My Baby Is Love,” Angeria got those shoulders swaying to capture the spirit of Diana, and, frankly, she sang like an angel (Angie, drop the album, girl!). Her teammates Kerri and Lady Camden both sounded great on their own, but had trouble keeping pace and finding their standout moments.

The Looks

If those girl groups had you swooning, then this week’s runway felt pretty appropriate: “Heart On” is the kind of vague category that leaves a lot to interpretation and really lets the queens’ creativity shine. First to walk was Willow Pill, serving her signature blend of sexiness and silliness in panties from crotch to ankle, complete with the “Borat thong.” Breaking a bit from the Valentine’s Day color scheme, Daya stood out with her fun cyberpunk look, bringing to mind the NSYNC classic, “Digital Get Down.” DeJa also made an impression in a superhero anime piece that showed a different side of her than her previous runways. Jorgeous delivered a chic showgirl get-up complimented by a big ostrich-feather heart, and Jasmine was looking classically elegant in her mighty Aphrodite tribute to Hercules. Lady Camden also turned to the gods for inspiration, giving us a playful spin on Cupid, while the always stunning Kerri Colby put her whole body on display—even her veins! Angeria was momentarily unrecognizable in a funky mod fantasy look, and Bosco’s vampy dress put the “ass” in cardiovASScular (not going to apologize for that one).

The Critiques

Alec Mapa brought his delightful self to the Judge’s Panel, as he, Carson, Michelle, and Ru determined which queens hit all the right notes in the challenge and runway. I thought Bosco had the right idea when she theorized they’d be judged in teams this week, but we were both wrong as she, Willow, and Jorgeous were deemed safe, leaving representatives from each girl group in the tops and bottoms. The judges hailed Daya as a real standout in her team, cementing her first win and continuing a notable upward trajectory in the competition. Also scoring high were DeJa and Angeria, who received similar praise for strong vocals and surprising, outside-of-the-box runways. Last week, Lady Camden set a high bar for herself, and her low placement here almost felt like a response to that—Michelle noting that she needs to not let her softness hold her back if she wants to continue to stand out. But we were ultimately left with Jasmine and Kerri in the bottom two, both aware they were a bit overwhelmed by the week’s challenge.

Taking a cue from the heart-themed runway, their Lip Sync For Your Life was to a Hex Hector remix of Toni Braxton’s timeless power ballad, “Un-break My Heart.” Considering her last LSFYL was in Jennifer Lopez’s Versace dress, Kerri Colby showed that could really command a stage when she didn’t have an insurance policy to worry about. But, in true dancing queen fashion, it was hard to take your eyes off of Jasmine who kicked her way through a spirited performance—even after losing one of her heels. The reveal of another chocolate bar meant it was Kerri’s time to sashay away, and it’s clear that the girls were just as devastated as we were to see our favorite auntie go. Her impact on this season cannot be overstated, and I’m so glad Kerri Colby had the chance to show the world a new side of herself. As she walked off the main stage, she left us with a typically poised exit line: “Well, I’m Kerri Colby, and all I can say is: I’m so proud to be a part of RuPaul’s Drag Race.”

Burning Questions

Points On The Board

Bosco is a total numbers queen and, as she reminded us in Untucked, Angeria’s track record thus far in the competition is unrivaled, both in terms of wins (she’s the only with two) and high placements (she’s received positive critiques every week but one). By episode’s end, every queen except for DeJa and Jasmine has won a challenge, so, from a statistical point of view, Angie’s our clear frontrunner, leaving most of the others in a dead heat behind her. In the coming weeks, will a new frontrunner emerge from the pack? Will DeJa or Jasmine finally nab their long-awaited win? Or will Angeria continue to reign supreme?

Mini Mind Games

The Mini Challenge spilled over into the rest of the episode when Daya decided to ask Jasmine about her “two-faced” read, which Jasmine said was a response to Daya secretly knocking her for relying on her physique in the design challenge. The two chopped it up in the Werk Room, but it was clear Jasmine expected an apology, while Daya still felt hurt by the read. The whole thing reminded me of the Class Superlatives Mini Challenge in All Stars 6, which noticeably threw Trinity K. Bonet off of her game for the rest of the episode. Both Daya and Jasmine bounced back from the spat just fine, but will the tension linger as the competition rolls on?

Next Week: You’ve Got Male

The teaser starts with the girls in hilariously busted quick drag as Ru introduces the next Maxi: The return of DragCon panels, this time focused on “menzeses.” Bosco and Willow are shown scoring some laughs, while Jorgeous trips over her words in a challenge that once again puts the queens’ comedy chops to the test. And who better to critique comedy than returning guest judge Nicole Byer? Plus: Remember that lingering tension between Daya and Jasmine I was just wondering about? Well, it looks like it could be bubbling up once again!

The Other Half Of The Story

You know the drill: If you’re not watching Untucked, well, you’re missing out, babe! Let’s shout out a few of the most notable moments form this week’s episode.

As the safe queens commiserated, we got to see a few more unaired reads from the Mini Challenge, many of which were focused on Bosco, who can take it just as well as she can give it. She owned up to being a greaseball, and also revealed herself to be a proud Horse Girl—she’s a loving stepmother to two beautiful horse-children named Ted and Fred. This makes sense with my fantasy.

Reflecting on last week’s emotional Untucked, Willow shared that she, too, as had a lot of questions about her gender, especially during the pandemic. With her illness, she’s felt distant from her own body, but notes that she’s been so thrilled with her time on Drag Race thus far because she’s been able to see herself the way she wants to on a daily basis.

Angeria sure says “bitch” a lot and, bitch, we love it, bitch!

Daya’s claws are out in the competition, which the safe queens commented on with a mixture of awe and fear. When she joined them in the Werk Room later, she owned up to being selfish in preparation for the challenge, knowing she needed to fight to stand out after weeks of “safe” and just missing out on the win for “The Daytona Wind.” As she bluntly (and correctly) states, “I’m not going to sit around and let our friendships get in the way of us trying to win this thing. If it does offend you that I’m doing what I need to do to place myself higher, then that just shows me that you don’t care about the competition.”

Before Untucked wrapped up, Kerri and Jasmine were certain they were the bottom two of the night. They’ve developed a pretty close mother-daughter bond of late, and it was beautiful to see them lift one another up ahead of their LSFYL. As Kerri remarked, she’s just living her “tran-tasy,” and it’s evident she’s inspired Jasmine to do the same.

The Serve-ey w/ Jasmine Kennedie

Each week, we’ll get to learn more about one of the queens of season 14 when they take our brief questionnaire, a.k.a. The Serve-ey. They’ll all get the same six questions, and then we’ll throw in one final “wildcard” question just for fun. This week: It’s the gorgeous New York queen with the gift of gab, Jasmine Kennedie!

1. In keeping with the season promo’s board game theme: What was your favorite game growing up and why?

Okay, my favorite growing up was Mario Kart: Double Dash!! on the GameCube. My sister would play with me sometimes, but when my mom played with me, she would never let me win. She’d be like, “If you want to win, you have to be good!” So I always loved Double Dash!! And then I’m now an avid Breath Of The Wild [fan,] I’m also a Genshin Impact player, heavily. What else do we do? Animal Crossing, and, like, we’re very into the Nintendo animated and fighting, swordplay games—that’s very me and my boyfriend’s schpiel, that’s the vibe.

[We have] a Nintendo Switch, a PS4, all the old Xboxes—we have a whole shelf I could show you that’s literally just video games, and Pokémon cards, so we’re avid video gamers in this household.

And I have to ask this of anyone who mentions they play Mario Kart or Smash Bros., but: Who do you play as? Who are your go-to’s.

Oh, absolutely! For Smash Bros. I play as Donkey Kong, but the “silver daddy” version of him—no other color. [Laughs.] And for Mario Kart I am in between either Pink Gold Peach, like the chrome one, or I usually use Baby Rosalina.

2. How would you say the city you’re from helped define your drag?

I definitely think my drag is a melting pot of all the different places I lived, you know? In Binghamton, NY, I think it taught me a lot about my sisterhood and my friends because we all kind of—I was doing drag for, I think, three years before I moved to the city. This is when I was, like, 15 through 18, so three years. We all just got ready together; I mean, our first shows we were painting each other, and I really got a sense of my sisters and my hometown. And, you know, I was very young, so that’s when I kind of learned how to work the clubs and things like that. And then the city taught me a lot about my professionalism, and being on time, and my confidence on the mic. You know, I definitely think it helped my social skills, and how I want to be perceived, and how I want to conduct business. And then I think Jersey—when I performed a lot in Jersey—made up more of my drag elements, and “extra accoutrements,” and, like, the gaudiness of it all, my performance. So I definitely think my drag is a melting pot of all those, perfectly blended together. It’s weird how that happens.

3. With this season’s candy bar twist, I’m curious: If you were a piece of candy, what kind would you be?

Okay, so I’m gonna do a chocolate, and I’m gonna do sweets—I’m very on point with this. KitKats always—I’m a KitKat girl. And then sweets, I’m always going for the Nerds Bites, [Gummy Clusters,] the new ones that used to be the Nerds Ropes, but now they have them in bite-size form. So, purr, like those two after a quick “ganj?” Over. Period.

So KitKats are a definite standby—everyone likes them—but I don’t know too many people that would claim them as their favorite candy. Why KitKats?

I think it’s because, as a kid, I always liked them, and the initials are “KK,” like my initials, Kyle Koritkowski. But I don’t know why. I guess it’s the crunch, and there’s the sweetness, but also there’s a little bit of saltiness from the wafer. So that combo definitely helps, whereas some [candies] are just like a little bit too much caramel-y, or a little bit much chocolate-y. I just like that crunch. It’s classic, it’s consistent, they haven’t changed the formula over the years—I mean, yes, they have those like 15 different colors and flavors of them, but I can’t mess with it.

4. What can you tell us about your “confessional” interview look? How did you decide what to wear? What do you think it says about your style out of drag?

I’m literally wearing it right now, oh my god. [Laughs.] So, for my confessional look, I really wanted to be comfortable, because I’ve heard it’s a long [shoot,] and things like that—but I talk a lot, so it really didn’t feel that long. For me, I just treated it like coffee. [Laughs.] But I really wanted to be comfortable, and also, at the time, I was trying to hide the fact that I was transitioning. So, you can see throughout the show, throughout the whole thing, I’m just very covered with clothes. I didn’t want to necessarily show off my body, things like that. So it was definitely more of a way to mask things, but, at the same time, I wanted to be colorful enough and play with things that would go with my skin tone. I brought maybe a couple of colored shirts, and everything else was your plain basics, like blacks, whites, grays, tans. Because I didn’t to do that much, I wasn’t really into the fashion of me out of drag, as I am now, when I’m living in it more, and actually putting the time into my outfits.

So you’ve noticed your personal style evolving since filming?

Yeah, definitely. I mean, of course that’s financially, but it also comes with time, you know?Buying things here and there, slowly and surely. But I definitely have lived more in my feminine side, and realizing that I can be confident in wearing a two-piece, and things like that. I’m definitely still, like, comfy-casual because I always have loved that, but it’s about feeling a bit more confident now.

5. What’s a fun fact you can share about one of your season 14 sisters that might surprise the fans?

Okay, I gotta think about this one because there’s so many good facts, and I don’t want to get them mad because I have the gift of gab. [Laughs.] You know I always have something to say!

Oh, I will say this: Jorgeous worked extremely, extremely hard for that runway, that I don’t think people are realizing—the one that she won, the sewing challenge. Because girl spent so long, so long on these and tried everything she could. And I just want people to know that the effort was very much there. It might not be a lot—mine wasn’t a lot, you know? So it’s like we have to look at the work behind it, and not necessarily just the full, head-to-toe concept. And also, at the end of the day, we have to present something, and if we’re selling it, we’re selling it, you know what I mean? So I think that’s a fun fact about that [challenge.] Like, she really did try. It was an extreme amount of work.

And I imagine that’s true of every challenge, in a way. In terms of preparation, we, as the audience, only get to see a small window of the time it takes for everyone to get themselves ready.

Yes! And I will say this: I love Miss Daya, but the assignment was to construct a garment from scratch—everyone constructed a garment from scratch! So we were all going through it, you know? We all—I cried, and things happen. It just is what it is. [Laughs.]

6. Here’s a chance to shout out another drag performer, designer, hair & makeup artist, etc… who really helped inspire you or prepare you for your journey on Drag Race. We perhaps already touched on a few of them when we were talking about Seattle.

Okay, I’ll do a couple. First and foremost, let me thank my mom. If it wasn’t for my mom, Joy, I would have not been able to get to Drag Race with the package that I brought. She’s so supportive, so great, so helpful. And then, who else? I’ll do three people, because these people really got me there. My drag mother, Mancie Mandell, for basically managing me [while] getting everything together for my package. And then let’s shout out my boyfriend for emotionally, mentally, and physically getting me through the before and after of Drag Race. Definitely those three.

And what’s it been like watching this season unfold along with him?

He literally is so good with that. He’s like, “Don’t look at your phone, stop. You’re fine, you’re great.” You know, he’s very much so the person that, like, blocks me and shields me from dealing with all the crap, which is great. It’s very helpful. He won’t react to people, he won’t react to that. He’s like, “Okay, and? Where are they from?” He’s like, “Calm down. Look at all those other 1000s of amazing comments or DMS that you’re getting.” And it is very true, those [mean] ones will stick out, but I’ll read them to myself and then make fun of them after, you know? So it’s fun, but never respond—never deal with that bullshit. You just heart the nice ones. [Laughs.]

Has he been surprised by how you’ve done on the show?

I think the one thing he was shocked about was the moment in Untucked last week. Like, he knew I came out and things like that, but he didn’t know it got that deep, you know? And he was just like, “I’m very proud of you. I just didn’t know it was this big of a thing.” So that was probably the shock. Because he also knew I was not going to talk about it, even though I came out to him as non-binary before, he thought I was just going to keep this locked and sealed with me for a very long time. So I think that’s what he was genuinely shocked about, for sure.

I think it’s fair to say you shocked yourself, too. But I’ve got to commend you on your bravery in that moment, and I hope you’re feeling the love and support from the fans. We’re so proud of you.

Thank you. Honestly, the girls got me—it was just the right melting pot situation. Like, you know, the environment, the challenge, the girls, the place I was at in the competition, the discussions we were having, and how open everyone was. It was a very, like, “a-ha” moment. Like, I physically saw myself fighting it when I watched it back, I could see it in my neck. My neck was going crazy! Just tweaking out, oh my god. I got that from my mother—I love her but we have this nervous twitch, and I saw it! But, anyway, Kerri knew about it because we had a conversation off-camera. She knew it was coming, when I said it—the second she grabbed me it just came out of my body like word vomit. That gave me the power to actually say it because she knew, mentally, what was physically happening to me. So it was a very warm and endearing environment with the girls. They’re all great and supportive, and I love all of them.

Especially with everything going on now, like Texas and Greg Abbott, and the Florida “Don’t Say Gay” bill, there’s so many things right now that are so counterproductive for the LGBTQIA+ community that I hope—like, I’ve gotten a lot of messages from people saying, “With everything going on right now…” And it’s very touching to know that that has helped so many people, honestly. Words can’t describe.

7. Wildcard: Halfway through the season, we’ve already seen what a learning experience Drag Race has been for you. What would you say is the best thing you’ve done for yourself since wrapping production on the show?

Oh my god, there’s so many things. I mean, from starting HRT, to my career, to stepping my drag up, to my household—you know, I take a lot of pride my family and my house, and myself and what I’m doing. So I’m very happy to say that I kind of took back years of my life, and finally started doing things for myself and being myself. So it’s very nice to see the things that have happened over the year, compared to where I was at before that. I just feel like there’s a new light coming into my life that I didn’t necessarily see before. And it’s been great.

I’m really over the moon, I’ve had a great experience. You know, I know I get a lot of flack for being talkative and annoying—but we’re drag queens! Everyone has opinions, everyone’s shady, we all know this. It’s season 14 now, and there’s so many other seasons. We all have to realize that, at the end of the day, this was months ago and the most high pressure situation of our entire lives. This is not how we are on a day-to-day basis. But, in the right position, if somebody’s trying me, will I be that way? Absolutely. [Laughs.] I will say this: I’m very New York about things. Very blunt, very honest. I don’t mean it with any crudeness, but it’s just that I feel like addressing things to the point, head on, is way better than it lurking around and coming back months later, you know? I think that’s the best solution for things.

The Looks You Didn't See

It’s practically tradition that eliminated queens will take to social media to show off the stunning looks they didn’t use on the runway. Every week, we’ll reserve this space to shout out our favorite “unseen looks.“

June Jambalaya

@JuneJambalaya

the hood always has my heart 💗 #junejambalaya #rupaulsdragrace #vh1 #worldofwonder https://t.co/4Hd9aIpW1g

3:59 AM - 26 Feb 2022

Miss June Jambalaya is looking damn fine in her Heart On couture, which certainly would’ve stood out on a runway of mostly reds, whites, and pinks. And, ooh, recognize that killer wig? Made by hair wizard Edward Smith, it’s the piece Kornbread asked June to leave behind for her after the queen’s elimination. Of course, Kornbread’s rolled ankle meant we didn’t get to see her rock it on the runway either, but nice to know the wig made it back to June! Also don’t miss: Alyssa Hunter is a corseted heartbreaker while Orion Story serves heart-headed glamour.

Gagatrondra! It's The Tweets Of The Week

We wrap up every newsletter with a rundown of some of our favorite reaction tweets of the week, so use #DragRace and you may find yourself here!

⚡️ Seddera Side ⚡️

@sedderaside

does this mean no more Kerri confessional moments... #dragrace https://t.co/i3xjvx2GHq

7:48 AM - 26 Feb 2022

John🧣

@not_johnathon

Jorgeous potentially losing... Jorgeous potentially lip syncing #DragRace https://t.co/KjIo0uEZJu

8:30 PM - 25 Feb 2022

Joey Nolfi

@joeynolfi

Angeria Paris VanMicheals has violated the Kennedy Davenport Footwear Sanctity Agreement #DragRace https://t.co/uvGVqH1Ga7

8:37 PM - 25 Feb 2022

Want More?

This week’s The Pit Stop gets a heaping dose of UNHhhh with Katya joining host Monét X Change and a pile of SweeTarts to talk “60s Girl Groups.” Unsurprisingly, these two are a blast together, and they even manage to sneak in a reference to Nicole Kidman’s iconic AMC ad! Legends.

The Pit Stop S14 E08 | Monét X Change & Katya Go Retro! | RuPaul’s Drag Race

And over on Whatcha Packin’, Michelle Visage sits down with America’s #1 auntie, Kerri Colby. The two talk about the Colby family lineage, gawk over some of her gorgeous unseen looks, and more.

Whatcha Packin’ | S14 E08 | RuPaul’s Drag Race

#RuPaul's Drag Race #Newsletter #Jasmine Kennedie #60s Girl Groups #Nintendo #Mario Kart #Mario Kart Double Dash #Super Smash Bros.#Baby Rosalina #Donkey Kong #Nintendo Switch #The Legend of Zelda #Breath of the Wild

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3one3 · 7 years ago

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The Sequel - 893

Mile High

André Schürrle, Juan Mata, other Chelsea/BVB players, and random awesome OC’s (okay they’re less random now but they’re still pretty awesome)

original epic tale

all chapters of The Sequel

“Let’s just walk around and look at stuff. Like, that way. Away from the shops and the stuff we’ve already seen.”

“You don’t want to go in any other stores?”

“I just ate my third cheese-based meal of the day. I won’t fit in anything I’d like to buy.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Positive?”

“Boyfriend. Hold my hand and walk off the cheese with me.”

“Okay.”

“Kiss too.”

Christina stood up on the toes of her platform sneakers to receive the little smooch solicited to seal the strolling accord. Other than the stuffed feeling happening in her stomach, her mood couldn’t have been better. André agreed to take a break from boutique shopping in Paris to watch Chelsea play Manchester United in a bar with a cheese board and a bottle of Pinot Noir. Conte made big changes to his team from the midweek disaster in Rome. Kante was back; David Luiz was out. The balance in midfield was back; the static attack was out. The Blues controlled the bulk of the game and got their breakthrough early in the second half with a very familiar feeling move. Azpi bombed forward as only he could and crossed a peach long, fast, and pretty high for the onrushing Alvaro Morata, who easily jumped up to head it from distance into the top right corner, past an immobile David de Gea, and with an impressive amount of whip on it. The rest of the match was all white knuckle defending as the former Chelsea boss subbed his Plan B on in Marouane Fellaini and reverted from a low block and the counter to route one long balls aimed at the big Belgian’s head. The home side hung on and collected the points and much needed momentum.

Before the match, the former Chelsea midfielder and his wife enjoyed a cozy breakfast in their private library, Eiffel Tower-type tourism, luxury and independently owned boutique shopping, casual lunch at a quintessentially Parisian cafe- heavy on the ham and cheese baguette, light on the side green salad, more shopping, and a brief boat ride on the Seine. He thought it a wonderful way to close out his 20’s. It was fun to have a full day with Christina and no one else, and no distractions. And it was kind of fulfilling when they each realized the other one also kind of wanted to skip dinner in the City of Light and get home to their couch sooner. It was like realizing they didn’t have to go anywhere special to enjoy being together. Their charter hop was moved up to 9pm, so they had just enough time to go for that walk before they’d need to head to the airport.

André hoped to maintain a certain phenomenon from the rest of the day. He hadn’t had to hear a word about Juan until the football game, and he only had to hear about him in a footballing context during it. He didn’t want to hear about him again until Monday. Being with Christina nonstop for a whole day meant a chance to gain access to her innermost “stuff” again- the stuff that just didn’t come out when their interactions were limited to the morning routine, running errands, a single meal out, or the evening routine. Some things only leaked out of the rider’s crowded head when she had no other pressing matters to think about instead, like while standing at the railing on a boat and watching the riverbank scenery pass by.

For example, Christina mused aloud about holiday plans while enjoying the river, and accidentally arrived at the conclusion that she didn’t want to travel during André’s break. They talked about meeting up with her own boat somewhere, about inviting his parents and sister and nephew somewhere warm, running away to show Lukas the magic of Manhattan at Christmas, going there without him for a glitzy New Year’s bash, and huddling in a cabin in the mountains. Mulling over all the options helped her realize that all she really wanted to do was stay a couple of extra days in London after the horse show to shop and see a show and go to her favorite holiday-time restaurants, and then have Christmas in Dortmund with a big tree in the foyer since that was the only part of the house with room for one, stockings on one of the many fireplaces, and her in-laws to feed a grand feast that she would have time to plan and prepare because there was nothing else stressful going on during the festive season for once. It was a big deal for her to not only realize what she wanted, but also be willing to share that, and be honest about it, especially as she was under the impression that André would for sure want to go away. He didn’t get to travel much, and certainly not anything like his wife did. He never had an escape, their Paris jaunt notwithstanding. But having a chance to be very open with each other meant having a chance to find out that their objectives weren’t so different. The footballer didn’t really have some burning desire to get away. London would be great. He missed it, and he wasn’t the one there to compete, so it really was just a vacation for him. And he knew Christina loaded up her schedule after the winterpause. Soon, he wouldn’t have so much free time with her. Relaxing at home as a family while they could was a perfectly acceptable plan to him. He was sure, however, that his girl would find an excuse to run back to London at some point during that break, unable to get through the holiday season without her traditional holiday crutch- Juan Mata.

Another thing wandering around the French capital shook loose from the equestrian star’s head was a slowly growing idea about writing. She said she wanted to write, but she wasn’t sure about what or for whom she wished to write. André asked questions to dig into it. He asked if she meant a weekly blog or a big volume, writing about her life, or writing about her career, or perhaps some kind of manifesto about her brand of horsemanship. Christina surprised him by suggesting that she wasn’t dead-set on writing non-fiction. She wasn’t ready to rule out something creative, like a mystery, or a collection of short stories for kids. The player’s big takeaway from her somewhat self-deprecating and dismissive writing talk was that she was searching for something to fill some kind of void in her life. It had felt that way to him for months. She had something to figure out, and she wasn’t sure what it was, so it was tough to do any of the figuring. There was an incomplete feeling, André suspected. He didn’t think she knew any better than him whether the void was in her career, her personal relationships, her family, or some other mystery area. She’d tried showing less, working out more, less commercial work, more teaching, less publicity, more privacy, less stressing, more Juan, less worrying, and more self rewarding. An excursion into authorship sounded like just another idea to try to get to an unknown but presumed superior feeling.

One thing he thought Christina hadn’t yet tried was excessive sexual activity, and he thought of that when he watched her reach from her seat to the one facing her on the Embraer Phenom 300 taking them home to Germany. They sat next to each other so that they could each have lots of legroom, or put their feet up on the seats facing them. She’d been curled up in hers, and leaned across on her knees to get something from her bag on the opposite tan leather seat. Her super-skinny navy blue corduroys stuck to her butt like leggings. André wanted to lean to his left and smack it good and hard, but was afraid she’d fall face-first onto the floor, or end up hitting the seat with her chin. Emergency dental work would not have been a nice way to end their lovely Sunday. And his girl definitely wouldn’t be interested in what he was about to propose if he knocked her on the floor and laughed at her first.

“Question.”

“What?” she asked after giving up on the leaning and just stood up to be able to see into her open backpack.

“Come here.”

“That’s not a question.”

“Come heeeere,” the German whined. He put his hands on her hips and dragged her two steps back and over and into his lap. Their jet-share-like membership allowed them to use a plane of exactly the right size and capability for most of their trips. A last minute little flight from Paris to Dortmund for two didn’t require a big plane. The one they were assigned had seating for 6 people with a moderate amount of luggage. André could stand, hunched over, in the middle of it and comfortably touch both sides of the cabin. The “aisle” between his seat and Christina’s was about a foot wide on the ground and less than that where the seat bolsters bulged out in the middle. There was no such thing as personal space on that aircraft, nor any place to hide. If he really wanted, André probably could have reached her all the way in the lavatory at the back. The seats could swivel about 45* in each direction too.

“Heeeey,” his girl complained about his arms closing around her middle like the world’s tightest seatbelt.

“Do you think we can have sex on the plane without the pilot hearing?” he asked before taking a subtle sniff at her neck. He helped her choose a perfume at Dipytique when she made him go there for a €60, 190g unicorn candle. The limited edition “Forêt givrée” scent was part of a collection inspired by constellations, and came in an exceptionally pretty glass. The group of stars from which the design came lives in a nebula called the Christmas Tree, so the candle fittingly smelled of fir, wood, and mint. André was perplexed but not surprised that Christina knew in advance of a special unicorn star candle in a Paris boutique. That was the kind of thing only his girl could possibly know. Other girls would just stumble upon it. On the plane, she smelled of Patchouli. Her new fancy perfume was supposed to smell like a guy who made perfumes. That was what he gathered from the hard to understand woman in the store. He just picked the one his nose liked best on Christina.

“I don’t know. I feel like that’s entirely dependent on you.”

“Why?”

“My volume knob is under your control. If you want to have bad sex, then yeah, no problem, probably.”

“And if I want to have good sex?” He moved his nose back and forth between pieces of her hair, trying to get all the way to her neck to make contact instead of just within sniffing range.

“Then you can cover my mouth, I guess.” Christina shrugged and leaned her head back on his shoulder to yawn. “I’m kinda into it, but I’m also kinda not at all in the mood, and let me tell you, one way to make me scream is to try to have a quickie on a plane without any foreplay when I’m not at all in the mood.”

“Desert vagina,” the player summarized for her.

“Exactly.”

“Okay.” He pecked her neck instead of administering the type of kiss complementary to the quickie plane sex. She turned her head and, after temporarily drowning him in fluffy, espresso colored waves, returned the kiss with appreciation and affection.

“I’m not opposed to a non-quickie when we get home. Like last night.”

“She wants romance.”

“Is that the name of the future band the people in She Wants Revenge will form when they find the right partners?”

“I’ve never understood the name in the first place. Aren’t they all guys?”

“Yes,” Christina laughed. “I don’t get it either. I just like the music.” She drew her knees up and put her socked feet flat on the footballer’s thighs. We’ve been out and about for the entire day, she realized. That’s an entire day without any boyfriend cuddles. How rude. His arms around her, and indeed just leaning on him, felt comforting. A stealth attempt to join the Mile High Club would have been too much effort. Shopping and strolling and sipping coffee beverages was tiring work. A brief nap would have been a more welcome in-flight pastime, especially as her thoughts shifted toward Monday, and everything on her agenda. “Do you know what time you get home from training tomorrow?” I need to: feed Lukas, work out, make sure Lukas gets to give Daddy his birthday picture before he goes, ride, pack barn stuff, pack personal stuff, and make a cake, all before he gets home. I don’t want to be busy doing chores during my last night at home with him- especially not on his birthday. And I need time to fuck up the cake and do it over again, because I’ve never made matcha cake and I’ve never made toasted black sesame buttercream. I’ve never made matcha or toasted black sesame anything. Is this what Isa means when he says I’m too ambitious about things outside my lane?

“Around 3- same as usual. A lot of guys aren’t going to their national teams. We have full training.”

“K.”

“You look like you’re about to give birth.”

“It’s a boy. A boy made of cheese and bread.”

“Would you want another boy, or have you come around to a daughter yet?” André asked in what he hoped was a strictly conversational way, like a curious inquiry and not a meaningful fact-finding mission whatsoever. Which one of those things it actually was could have been debated.

“I’ve come around to: There is not enough of me, nor hours in the day, for me to divide my attention and love to create a single extra slice,” his wife practically snorted. Her tone said she wasn’t taking it seriously. She adjusted to sit across his lap with her knees to her chest and leaning on his stomach instead of sitting like a woman in a chair with stirrups. The low armrest wasn’t enough to support her lower back, but she had André’s arm to around her to keep her secure. She was also secure in her assumption that he wasn’t taking her response all that seriously either, but she was wrong. Her interactive cuddle chair low-key fumed about her answer. He thought there was a very large slice of Christina that should be made available for redistribution to her current loves- himself, their son, her horses- or shared with a second child. That, of course, was the slice of her love and attention devoted to Juan. “I don’t think my body would recover as quickly now that I’m old now either. Do you feel old, boyfriend? Some days I feel 87.”

“Your soul is about that age,” he smiled at her, unwilling to end the lovely adventure with a fight over expanding their family. In truth, he wasn’t really sure if he wanted another child anyway, but it bothered him that their loose plan, or longstanding intention, to have a near-in-age sibling for Lukas was discarded without his even being consulted.

“Do I look that age though? Be honest,” the rider implored, her face solemn and her hand at the base of her player’s neck. “If you didn’t know me, how old would you think I am?”

“With or without talking to you? Because you look 24 and you act 12.”

“Sexy-woman-24 or still-kinda-college-coed-24?”

“Veteran Victoria’s Secret Angel 24.”

“Suck up.”

“When has telling the wife she looks like a lingerie model ever turned out badly for a guy?”

“We’re still not fucking on this plane.”

“I’m making my bed for later,” André informed her as she flattened her left leg across him and the opposite armrest into the aisle, after which he reached for a breast to give it a playful squeeze.

“Don’t you wanna know how old I think you look, now that you’re turning 30?” Christina lowered her voice to whisper the number.

“Yes. Tell me.”

“I think you have the body of a 25-year-old football player and the face of a very handsome and cute 30-year-old who would look 25 if he got rid of his beard and ate a fattier diet.”

“Okay,” André chuckled. I’m not offended, he thought. I know she hates the beard and wants to feed me junk food to fill out my wrinkles and cheeks. But she’s looking at me right now like I’m Beckham at his hottest so it’s completely fine. Look at her, he went on, smiling broadly inside but not outside, to preserve whatever it was about his face that garnered his wife’s undivided attention. She’s doing the stare thing where you can see her having an escalating crisis behind her eyes because she likes my face so much she doesn’t know what to do about it. It’s like when I want to bite her- when you suddenly have such an energy that you don’t know what to do with. It’s so funny. In 60 seconds she’s going to bite her lip and make a joke about having sex right now, but it’s actually a test bubble to see if I still want to do it, because now she does too.

“You also look like the ridiculously sweet, goofball troublemaker I wanted to be longing for when I listened to emo-pop music in the 2000’s, scaled for age,” Christina mumbled. “You’re way, way cuter than I ever anticipated for myself back in the Jack’s Mannequin and Dashboard days.”

“I won’t lie. I always knew I’d have a hot wife. I mean, I knew I was going to play professionally when I was a teenager, so...”

“Shut up, jerk.”

“So was I like an angsty skateboarder in your imagination back then? I wanted to be the guy riding off into the sunset with the hot girl on the back of my vintage motorbike.”

“Stop making fun of me,” Christina insisted. She tried to get up from his lap too, but he fought her attempts, and she ended up straddling his legs, facing him.

“You were having a nice moment in your head, hm?” André smirked. “You were overwhelmed by my beauty?”

“You’re so mean.” She was trying to wedge her thumbs under his hands on her hips. “And you’re not handsome when you’re mean.”

“How am I being mean?” he argued back, kind of laughing at her contriteness and her sourpuss face.

“You’re making fun of me for enjoying your stupid face.”

“How terrible of me.”

“I was on the verge of changing my mind about private jet sex but now I’m not because you’re mean.”

“How will we ever get past this?”

“Shoosh.” The rider folded her arms, whipped her hair around, got it stuck in her face, moved it behind her shoulder, and then re-folded her arms again. Her partner sat up to kiss the hollow of her left cheek, slowly and lovingly. He could feel her frowning.

“Don’t scowl, pretty girl. You’ll get wrinkles, like me.”

“Oh yeah as if your wrinkles aren’t from excessive laughing at your own bad jokes.”

“A minute ago you wanted romance. What happened to that?”

“I meant when we get home.”

“Ohhhhh. What if I want romance right now though? What do I do about that?”

“You could try being nicer. And...more kissing,” Christina told him tentatively. Her nose was still literally turned up at him, but her hormones wouldn’t let her forget that his face was irresistibly handsome before he started teasing her, and that the appeal of that face was already changing her mood. She had that “ugh, I want his face” feeling. Sometimes André was just devastatingly attractive and there was no rhyme or reason to it. He was wearing the same clothes he had on all day. His hair hadn’t changed. He didn’t nap and wake up looking well rested. He didn’t go from grumpy and sour to smiley and bright. It was his flirting that made his features- his unique and vibrantly blue eyes, his thin lips, his crooked nose, his chiseled cheekbones- stunningly attractive from up close, in his lap. But Christina didn’t always get that memo. She often just fell victim to her more superficial senses, and her husband didn’t get credit for having the personality and heart to match his gorgeous face. He slid his left hand around to her back and worked it under her long-sleeve tee so that he could touch her actual skin. She tucked the fitted top in at the front but didn’t want the annoying feeling of having it tucked in all around, which was convenient for him too.

“Which kind of kissing?” he inquired in a soft way that matched his intention. I might still get some ass on this plane, he was thinking- his motivation slightly less romantic than his method. I was going to offer to rub her feet. She could sit over there and put them in my lap and she could rub herself for me while I rub the feet for her, his inner voice sniggered. Then I could rub me for her too. I’m surprised about all of these allegations of actresses against people in show business masturbating in front of them. Firstly, I can’t imagine wanting to whip it out and just do that- I wouldn’t want just any woman to watch me do that. It can be the least sexy thing, I bet. But anyway, if Chris is any indication, girls love to watch. When they ask, at least. She was embarrassed to say she likes it. I think she thinks it’s like an intrusion into a personal thing. What’s taking so long for her to make up her mind? “Are you sleeping with your eyes open?” he joked, since Christina was just kind of staring blankly at his hairline.

“I was just thinking,” she shrugged, voice low. “Every now and then I look at you and I wonder how we found each other. We’re not one of those couples that grew into who we are together. We’ve been the same since the first day. I’ve had this feeling when I look at your face since the first day.” She was also thinking that every now and then she felt like she was drifting further and further away from him, and closer and closer to wanting to be with Juan permanently, and then some moment happened that sucked her back in the German’s direction, and right back to wanting the two players to be equals in her life. It was a weird and unsettling sensation, every time. Mostly, it made her feel disappointed in herself.

“You should thank my sister’s old horse,” André winked. “She still has him, you know. He’s in Italy with Rafa’s horses.” His expression was full of fondness and calm, and she didn’t want to worry him by not returning it, in spite of her slight turn toward melancholy. So she smiled back.

“Well if she ever wants to sell him, make sure she knows he can just come live with us forever. I don’t know where we’ll turn him out, but whatever.”

“You don’t wear your necklace so much anymore- the one with the bit you sold me for him.”

“I don’t wear anything most days. I don’t think to put jewelry on when I know I’m not leaving the property.”

“So I should be happy you remember to wear this, yeah?” He picked up her left hand with his right, and turned her engagement back and forth on her finger with its big princess cut diamond and little Brazilian aquamarine moon sides.

“I don’t always,” his bride admitted with a chuckle. “If I had it on my finger before bed but I’m going to ride in the morning I would put it on my necklace, usually, since I don’t ride in rings, but sometimes I just forget unless it’s already on the necklace. I always remember when I put other rings on though!”

“I know.” André brought her hand to his lips for a smooch of her closed fingers. “It always makes me feel good when I see you take it off in the kitchen and put it on your necklace, or when you’re cleaning it in your dressing room. You take good care of it.” As soon as he released her hand, she put both of them on his neck, with her thumbs on his jaw. As usual, her palms felt significantly warmer than they ought to. Her lips rightfully always brought warmth just as they did when she leaned in to pay him back with a long kiss for acknowledging how dearly she treasured the beautiful ring he put so much thought into designing for her.

His attention to detail in choosing everything from a setting that was unlikely to get caught in horse manes and tails, to selecting carat size with the proportion of her fingers and the nature of her work in mind, was weirdly more special to her than the traditional symbolism of an engagement ring. The jewel wasn’t a reminder of their marriage to her. It was a reminder of his love, his thoughtfulness, and his need to share all his life experiences with her, since it was the World Cup in Brazil that prompted him to drag Marco, Mario, and a DFB security guard around Rio with him to find exactly the right beautiful thing for his girl. The fundamentals of their relationship and of his personality were so much more important to her than the institution of marriage, which she never held in high regard at any point during her life anyway. Whatever small significance that formalization of their partnership had for her in the beginning had waned as they stretched the conventional boundaries to include the arrangement with Juan. Her engagement ring was about love, not vows.

André took it upon himself to restart the long kiss when Christina’s concluded. He felt around on the armrest for the correct button, and lowered the seat back to its most horizontal position. Sex on the plane wasn’t going to happen, but making out on the plane was basically ensured. He tried to get his hands down the back of the suddenly very affectionate rider’s corduroys. The deep rise brought them almost to her natural waist, and they were very tight, so he wasn’t getting in there. Palm-fulls of her butt from the outside had to suffice. He lifted his right knee to press it into her and keep her legs on either side of him. She let it move her up his body a bit, and encourage her to move toward his left, moving their kiss at the same time. He had to turn his head all the way to the side, and Christina was trying to get to the hair at the back anyway. Her upper body was twisted enough to give him access to her front, and he duly tugged her white shirt up out of her pants and pushed it up over her stomach and ribs.

#football fanfiction

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