#in that big strong woman/a worm of a man kinda way

[mr-moonfucker]

rad new unsername 🔥🔥

thankuuuu,,

[fun-eralsss]

was making a post about all my intersex headcanons, but i realized that so many of them were from homestuck that i might as well make a whole post solely about them. so yea :)

btw this one’s gonna be LONG AS HELL

homestuck headcanons (intersex edition because i do what i want :p)

first off, the humans!!

jade harley (NCAH): honestly, it’s mostly just vibes. plus her whole thing is dogs n stuff. dogs have a lot of hair. you know who else has lots of hair? people with NCAH

roxy lalonde (AIS): remember that whole thing where hussie revealed the last two letters of her name first, so everyone immediately headcanonned her as a trans woman, then it was confirmed that she’s cis? homegirl can have XY chromosomes while being cis! bada bing bada boom!

ok now the trolls!! (this section will be significantly longer lmao)

sollux captor (Chimerism): first of all, his blood is literally yellow, so yknow. second of all, duality is a HUGE part of his character! it just makes sense for him to be a chimera to me tbh (i also headcanon that gold and violetbloods are more likely to be medically recognized as intersex but that’s an entirely different can of worms)

nepeta leijon (PCOS): same reasoning as jade, but her whole thing is cats. cats have lots of hair. you know who else has lots of hair? people with PCOS

kanaya maryam (Klinefelter’s Syndrome): most people depict her as being super tall, and you know who tends to be super tall? yeah :)

(i know that it’s kinda implied at all jadebloods are female, just let me have trans intersex kanaya. i beg. i grovel at your feet)

terezi pyrope (undeclared, likely Chimerism): i feel like she would really love to bring up her intersexuality while arguing with a transphobe or intersexist. she would also probably not disclose what her specific variation is so they couldn’t pull the whole “you’re just a fe/male with a dsd!!!!” bs. also, balance is a huge part of her character, so i feel like chimerism particularly suits her

equius zahhak (Hyperandrogenism): his body is quite literally overflowing with testosterone. man is literally sweating 24/7 and frankly, no other indigobloods seem to have as much testosterone as him, so we know this isn’t typical. they’re all strong, yeah, but this guy is on a whole other level. i just KNOW this boy’s skin is oily as hell

(also yes!! i headcanon equius as a cis guy with hyperandrogenism!! intersex doesn’t just mean “man with lots of estrogen” or “woman with lots of androgen”!!)

eridan ampora (PAIS): ok this one is one im actually super passionate about. in the og comic, all female trolls are consistently drawn with black lips (with the exception of nepeta, who i’ve already included on here). all the male trolls are drawn without the lips except for eridan. eridan is shown to have black lips in multiple panels! back when it was first pointed out, most assumed it was because of how feminine he is compared to the other guys, but you know what? idc!!! that boy is intersex and indulges in toxic masculinity due to his insecurity!!! idc what anyone has to say!!! also his blood is literally violet so yknow

damara megido (CAIS): i think she would get a really big kick out of not having body hair, periods or the ability to give birth. obviously there are downsides to it, but i doubt those would get in her way of having fun. i also think she would really like reclaiming That One Japanese Slur For Intersex People

cronus ampora (MAIS): mostly cause vibes and the fact that he’s related to eridan, so it’s more likely. what can i say, the ampora boys are very “does being intersex make me less of a man?” coded

bonuses!!!

rose lalonde (PCOS): she gives me the vibe of a woman who has PCOS but doesn’t consider herself intersex due to how little it affects her. tho i imagine that she’s done lots of reading on intersex variations considering how two people she cares deeply about (kanaya and roxy) do consider themselves intersex

dave strider (MAIS): i know that trans dave is a super popular headcanon and don’t get me wrong, transgender icon dave strider will save the world!! it’s just that for me personally, i’ve only been able to see him as an intersex guy. though in his case, i imagine that he would find out pretty late into his life. and like his sister, considering how little it’s affected his life, he wouldn’t consider himself intersex either

anyways yeah that’s it :) have a good day <3

[greatwyrmgold]

Worm × Ranma½ Crossover Idea

Blame @heyitschartic for putting this idea in my mind.

Why?

Brian Laborn/Grue has a bit of a complex around his masculinity. He wants to be an Ideal Man—stoic, reliable, strong, decisive. A provider, a protector, a patriarch. His first trigger event was caused (in part) by a perceived failure to live up to that ideal, his second trigger event by another perceived failure, one which was even more emasculating because he and his loved ones were victimized by a preteen girl.

He's not a stereotypical toxic-masculinity-jock type, but he definitely has a complex around his masculinity. So let's force him into a girl's body to make him either confront his problems or self-destruct trying!

How?

This is a point where Chartic's post falls short. She skips straight from "Grue in the Spring of the Drowned Girl?" to sitcom shenanigans. Luckily, it's not a hard question to answer: Mr. Laborn.

We don't know much about Brian and Aisha's unnamed father; we don't even have a name. I think basically all we know can be found in chapter 4.4:

He was a boxer "when he was in the service," and taught Brian when he was "little."

He's not a great dad. Cold, unable to bond with his son except through training, unable to bond with his daughter at all.

He's willing to give Brian (the seventeen-year-old) custody of his sister. Is this because Mr. Laborn is aware of his shortcomings as a parent, or because he doesn't want to deal with Aisha? We have no way to know.

So, this tells us two things about Mr. Laborn. He likes boxing, and he's an insensitive parent. That's kinda close to Genma Saotome's character traits of liking martial arts and being an irresponsible parent. So we can probably have Mr. Laborn play a sufficiently Genma-like role without completely overwriting his character traits!

Hold on, this is annoying. Mr. Laborn needs a first name. Since he's taking Genma's role, and "Genma" is one kana off from "Ranma" (they even both spell their "nma" with the 馬 kanji), I reckon Mr. Laborn's first name should also be quite similar to his son's.

Orion? Brennan? Adrian? Byron? No, that one's taken. I think I'll go with Ryan for now, but I'm open to alternatives.

Anyways, let's say that Ryan wants to improve his and Brian's martial abilities, and drags him to China because Asia has the best martial artists. Let's say this happens during Brian's stint as a solo villain, which gives him reason to resent this decision (beyond the obvious). So they end up going to Jusenkyo because Ryan heard a rumor that it was a great training spot.

What? (happens next)

Skipping ahead a few steps: I think it would be fun if Ryan Laborn decides to use his curse to fake being a parahuman and tries to work as a vigilante/mercenary. Which means he needs to fall into a spring corresponding to some kind of large animal, ideally one capable of boxing. Or which is at least not obviously incapable of boxing.

That pretty much limits us to gorillas, bears, or red kangaroos. I don't like any of these options; the kangaroo is too small, a bear feels too similar to Genma, and giving a black guy the power to turn into a gorilla feels...fraught.

I guess "bear" is the obvious choice, but it feels too much like an actual superpower. A werebear who decides to fight crime in a superhero city just sounds like the pitch for a superhero story; someone who turns into a yak or horse or something and does the same feels more comedic, even though yaks and horses are very big and would be reasonably effective at street-level cape-fighting. (But they can't box.)

Regardless, we'll probably end up with an animal that isn't native to China, but I've already thought of a joke to explain that. Something like...

(splash) "Oh no! He fell in the Spring of the Drowned Girl! There's a very tragic legend about a young woman who drowned herself in that very spring 1,500 years ago!" (splash) "Oh no! He fell in the Spring of the Drowned Polar Bear! There's a tragic legend about a polar bear who escaped from the zoo and drowned in that very spring in 1987!"

Anyways, once Ryan Laborn gets his "power" and moves back to Brockton Bay, he coerces Brian to help him out. That way Brian has a "fun" multidirectional identity problem, where he can't let his dad know he's Grue or let the Undersiders know about his vigilante identity (when the Undersiders become a thing). This latter is easier than it seems at first, since Ryan has Brian use his girl-form to assist his vigilante/mercenary/cape stuff.

Who? (else do you have thoughts about)

Aisha: Despite her dad and brother's best efforts, she learns about their situation pretty quickly and blackmails them for it. (Ranma is so lucky to be an only child.)

Lisa: She also figures out Brian's secret and blackmails him, though much less maliciously. She also helps hide said secret from the other Undersiders.

Rachel: Meets girl!Brian, assumes she's the sister Brian always talks about. Brian struggles to maintain this deception.

Alec: There are a few options. He could hit on girl!Brian because he thinks she's hot, or he could secretly figure out Brian's secret and hit on girl!Brian because he knows it would annoy Brian in a way he can't retaliate for, or he could find girl!Brian terrifying and act politely and respectful to her (which annoys Brian because he doesn't treat Brian!Brian like that)...

Lung: Possibly the only named character in Brockton Bay who has canonically been to China, which makes him a pretty good candidate for a bonus Jusenkyo curse. He's a fun choice because his pyrokinesis lets him turn any cold water that douses him into hot water, giving him much more control over his form than most accursed people.

I want people to not realize Lung's cursed transformation is different from his transformation power, so some kind of large reptile would be a good choice. Perhaps a Chinese alligator?

Shadow Stalker: Obviously Grue's cape rival needs to have a positive relationship with his other cape identity. Attempted vigilante team-up? Ordinary friendship? More-than-friendship? It should definitely start with the vigilante thing. The big questions are how far to push it past that and whether Sophia wants to ditch the new girl's dad. (Probably.)

Taylor: In case it's not obvious, this fic would start before the Undersiders were formed. Early 2010, when Shadow Stalker was still a vigilante, Grue was a solo villain, Coil was an up-and-comer, and Taylor was a freshman without superpowers.

That said, it would be very Ranma½ for Brian to run into a bunch of romantically-compatible-ish girls as he runs around doing stuff, so I'd like to include Taylor somehow.

Ideally Taylor (pre-trigger) runs into girl!Brian and they become friends, with Brian successfully hiding all of his secret identities from her. And then months later she does trigger and become a cape and stuff, and by an astounding coincidence she discovers that her friend's boysona and one of her bullies have a superpower rivalry.

Ligeia: This makes even less timeline sense than including Skitter, Hive-Queen of Brockton Bay. However, her superpower is water, which activates Jusenkyo curses. I will bend time and space to include Super Water Lady in at least one fight scene with Grue.

Tendo family: After Ryan Laborn comes back home from China, he needs a place where he can adapt his boxing techniques to whatever animal body his curse sticks him with—somewhere private but not suspicious, run by someone he can trust, ideally with an opponent who can put up some resistance when fighting a large animal.

Or at least that's the excuse I'll use for including Ranma½'s most underrated character, since I can't imagine Mr. Laborn being the kind of guy to get his son engaged to girls without his consent.

Shampoo: You could probably just replace Ranma with Brian. Same personality, same relationship, more or less the same backstory. (I don't see Brian fighting some random stranger so he could eat the prize meal unless he was really hungry, but that kind of detail isn't hard to alter.)

Shampoo isn't interested in the cape politics of Brockton Bay, but she's strong enough to kick through walls, so the capes can't exactly ignore her. This means she could add some fun chaos to the grim cape side of the story. One week Lung could convince her to work with him, promising to help her hunt down this fighter she's getting revenge on; maybe next week she gets pissed at Lung acting like she's his flunky and bails.

Perhaps Sophia recruits Shampoo to the vigilante team she wants to set up, not realizing that Shampoo wants to get revenge on the other girl Sophia was planning to recruit. That's a pretty good way to make hilarity (and also violence) ensue!

I'm torn about how to bring in Shampoo's traditional marriage tradition. Who's the unlucky guy? Civilian!Brian? Grue the supervillain? Maybe Alec the supervillain, who gets blamed for the Undersiders' collective defeat of Shampoo?

Ryoga: I've considered ways for him to meet Brian in China and follow him to America, but there's no way he could reach Brockton Bay without getting lost. If he did get there, I'd want him to discover Brian's supervillain identity somehow. He, Brian, and Alec would all annoy each other so much.

Ranma "Half" Saotome: It would be kinda odd to have two teenaged guys who fell into the Spring of the Drowned Girl after their dad dragged them to China for martial arts training, wouldn't it? This fic has Brian kinda subsume basically all of Ranma's narrative importance, especially if we give him Ranma's relationship with Shampoo and Akane.

That said, just casually mentioning that he and Genma are a pair of martial artist burglars somewhere in the background could be fun.

Other Ranma½ Characters: I'd love to work some more in, and maybe if I write this fic an opportunity will present itself. They're good at keeping the tone light, with the caveat that most of them would not set foot in the same social circles as Brockton Bay's villains, even if they lived in Brockton Bay.

Random Thoughts

I bet I could think of some fun ways for Jusenkyo curses to interact with powers.

By default, they should overlap without interacting. Lung's parahuman ability lets him turn into a giant dragon-man and then an eldritch dragon when he fights. But if he's splashed with water and turns into a gator first, his paragator ability lets him turn into a giant dragon-gator and then an eldritch dragon when he fights. The only difference is whether Lung's para-transformations starts from a primate base or an archosaur base.

Brian's parahuman ability also predates his curse. However, while Lung's feelings about his transformation are mild irritation at worst, Brian has intense feelings about his translation; I can see his coping mechanisms for that twisting his powers a bit. Perhaps his attempts to create a separate girl!Brian persona (and do separate cape-work from his Grue!Brian persona) could result in his darkness power getting contorted to fit the new persona.

On one hand, that would deprive me of a chance to consider how Brian could use his one set of powers to pretend to be two different parahumans. On the other hand, if Brian's discomfort with sometimes being a girl make his powers change when he's a girl, coming to accept that new part of him could result in him being able to use both sets of powers regardless of his current form. And that seems kinda neat!

Ah, but what if someone had a trigger event after getting cursed? They might get a power that interacts with their transformation or reflects their relationship to it! Unfortunately, I have no idea what cursed characters might become parahumans, or the circumstances under which they'd do so.

[13uswntimagines]

Instincts and Media Day: What a Terrible Combination (Alpha Kelley x Omega!Reader)

Request: R goes into heat and Kelley has to contain herself so she doesn’t pounce on R, but also so she doesn’t fight another alpha if they come near her girl. So, throughout it all, she becomes more possessive and protective, especially since they are having a busy media day where R has to be around other alphas for shoots and videos.

Authors note: Hey dudes, I hope you Enjoy! Hit me up with Comments, Questions or Requests! 

You groaned lightly, burying your face as far into your alpha’s neck as you could get, taking in her soothing scent. Her strong arms were wrapped around you, holding you tightly, trying to alleviate some of the pre-heat aches you were experiencing. You whimpered as another round of cramping hit your lower belly, soothed slightly by Kelley’s hands rubbing circles into your back. 

“I know baby, I know, just a few hours,” She murmured into your hair, kissing your ear and pulling you ever closer (which was difficult because you had already taken up residence on her lap). She would much rather be cuddled up in bed with you, but you had media obligations before the Olympics that you couldn’t get out of. 

You whined into her neck, pawing at her shirt collar in an attempt to expose more skin for you to nuzzle into. It wasn’t a behavior that she typically allowed, but these were special circumstances. You were in pre-heat and surrounded by about a million alphas who could no doubt smell your pheromones despite the heavy blockers the medical staff had given you.

“She ok Kell,” Alex asked, rubbing your back as she approached the two of you, careful not to touch any skin that wasn’t covered by your t-shirt. You weren’t usually this clingy, always trying to break out of the mold of what society thought omegas should be. You must be feeling it if you were this pliant, but then again, there were no cameras in you yet. It was kinda nice to see you and Kelley this soft. 

“She’s in pre-heat and the blockers are giving her cramps,” Kelley replied softly, her fingers coming up to rub the back of your neck, just barely brushing your mating mark. Reassuring you that she was there, and scent marking you so everyone else knew that you were hers. You sighed into her, kissing the skin under her chin. 

“Poor baby,” Alex mumbled with sympathy, dramatically pouting her lip. 

“Mm not a baby,” You huffed into Kelley’s neck, peeking out just enough to stick your tongue out at the forward, before returning to your favorite hiding spot. 

“I know baby girl, Alex is just messing with you,” Kelley murmured, shooting a glare towards Alex and scratching your scalp. Alex quirked her eyebrows up at the alpha. Had it been any other day, you probably would have chased her down and tackled her. It was troublesome to see you so subdued. 

“why can Alex mess with short stuff in pre-heat but I can’t?” Tobin smirked towards Kelley and wrapped her arms around her omega. Alex leaned back into her arms. 

“That sounds like an alpha problem to me,” Kelley growled at Tobin in warning. She was grateful that the alpha hadn’t tried to get closer to her mate, but the teasing was not appreciated. Not with so many other alphas around. 

“Speaking of alpha problems Worms has got one,” Alex laughed, gesturing towards the very obvious bump in Kelley’s shorts, despite her compression underwear. It was another unfortunate side effect of your pre-heat pheromones. A low growl ripped from your throat. Yes, it was just Alex, but all the hormones rushing through your veins were making you a bit territorial. Kelley’s growl joined your own as she pulled you tighter to her, unhappy with the feelings flittering through your bond. 

“Leave her alone hot stuff,” Tobin said, eyeing the two of you cautiously. Gently pulling Alex back two steps, hoping that the space between the four of you would calm the situation down a little bit. You and Alex were best friends and shared a very particular omega bond, but heat made everyone a little anxious. 

“They want Baby bear for the photos first,” Christen hummed, joining her two mates and watching the way you cuddled further into Kelley with worry. 

Kelley sent her fellow Stanford alpha a stiff nod and began to try and untangle you from her. “Let’s go baby girl,” She murmured softly, rubbing your back as she coaxed you out of her neck. 

“Don’t wanna, you’re warm, and you smell so good,” You whined, finally giving in to the insistent hands, shooting your alpha an unamused glare. 

She leaned in and ran her nose over your scent gland, before placing a kiss on your mating mark. This was no easier for you than it was for her. She wasn’t usually this possessive, but with the scents you were releasing, she just couldn’t seem to help herself. 

“I’ll be there the whole time,” she reassured gently against your skin, standing the two of you up. It would be alright, at least you hoped so.

******

You and Kelley trudged over to the first room, her hand placed firmly on your back to guide you. You didn’t usually like your alpha acting so… alpha? But your inner omega was purring at the action. 

Kelley glared at the woman who handed you your kit, unhappy with the number of dominant pheromones she was releasing. You rolled your eyes slightly, changing into the required clothing without incident, and cuddling back up to Kelley the second you could. 

The photographer watched you with furrowed brows, keeping a large distance between the two of you, more for you alpha than for you. Kelley sent him a grateful smile. 

“Alright Y/n, if you would stand right there please,” He directed softly, gesturing towards a spot marked with an x in front of the camera. You nodded hesitantly, pushing off your alpha (who may or may not have smacked your butt) and heading towards the marked spot. You warningly eyed the other man standing behind said spot, unsure of why he was positioned like that. 

You allowed the beta woman with the photographer to position you, and show you the requested pose, all well laughing lightly at the silly faces Kelley was making at you. 

That was until the man behind the mark laid down, enclosing your feet with his legs. The smile melted from your face, and a rush of nervous scents rolling off of you in waves. Kelley’s response was swift, striding up to the alpha photographer and tapping him on the shoulder. 

“Why is there a guy laying between her legs?” She hissed at the man. 

“He’s just the mister,” the photographer shrugged, hoping that nonchalance would help to show her that this wasn’t a big deal.

“I don’t like the view he has,” 

“Damn you smell good,” The man on the floor mumbled, painfully unaware that this was not the right thing to say. 

“Kell,” Your voice neared panic, your eyes were wide and a bright blush tinted your cheeks. It was one thing for Kelley to tell you how good you smelled and another for a random person to do so. You weren’t naive and you hated the view some people had of omega, thinking that a pass like that was acceptable. 

“Mario will behave himself right?” The photographer glared at the young man, shaking his head, 

Kelley growled back low and dangerous, like a warning siren. Any more unprofessionalism from the man would result in some extreme consequences. It wasn’t that she didn’t think you could handle yourself, but her instincts demanded that she protect you, that she tell others that you were hers. 

The man on the floor shrunk, holding up his spray bottle like a shield and praying that his mistake hadn’t just set the delicate situation over the edge. He hadn’t meant to say it, and he knew you were the other alphas, but he just couldn’t seem to help himself. 

“Kelley, just a few shots,” the photographer pleaded, and you sent him a very slight nod. Kelley met your eyes and nodded in return. 

“Fine…” she huffed, and the photographer’s shoulders relaxed. If you could handle it, so could she. “but I don’t like this,” she finished softly, glaring at the floor. You sighed in support of her sentiment before returning your attention to the photographer. The quicker you started, the quicker you would be finished. 

*****

Kelley’s protective instincts were being pushed to the limit. You had been shuffled around from interview to interview, with each respective reporter asking more invasive questions than the last. You were becoming increasingly uncomfortable and your heat symptoms were continuing to become more prominent. 

You only had a few stops left before you could go back to your hotel room and hopefully ride out the rest of your heat in peace before the opening game of the Olympics. 

“If you’ll step this way Ms. Y/l/n, I just have a few questions for you,” the sleezy alpha interviewer gestured towards a spot next to him in front of the camera. You kissed Kelley’s cheek before taking the requested spot. You inner omega crying out for the alpha, and growling at the distance between the two of you. 

The man shot a look at your alpha before queuing the camera. The conversation started normally, asking questions about how you felt being a left side forward and the connections in the midfield, but then everything seemed to shift. 

“So what’s it like being an omega on the national team,” He asked, stepping a little bit closer to you. 

You took a small step back, smiling into the camera. “It’s great, we are all treated as equals and the girls are amazing!”. You gestured wildly as you spoke, always happy to highlight the team's emphasis on equality and not allowing an individual's bearing to impact the team's view of them. 

Yes, the team was a little protective of the omegas, but then again half of the countries you faced were not as progressive in their views of omega roles as the US. They always made sure they weren’t overstepping. They never wanted you to feel like you were lesser or subservient to the alphas on the team, and they would kill anyone who made you feel that way. 

The reporter frowned at your answer, gritting his teeth just a little. Why did you little omegas have to be so difficult?

“That’s not what I meant.” The reporter growled lowly, taking another step closer to you, “Do you ever use the other alphas attraction to you to your advantage,” He tilted his head so your faces were mere inches apart.

“There’s only one alpha I care about so no…” You mumbled, leaning away from the man and trying to remain calm. Your eyes met your alpha’s, and she tilted her head slightly. She didn’t like where this was going. 

“But couldn’t your beauty be helpful on the field,” He pressed, again trying to close the distance. You put your hands up to stop him. 

“I think she tries to rely more on her skills,” Kelley interjected, her lips a thin line in disapproval, and her attempt to not strangle this man. 

“Of course, my bad,” His eyes snapped to hers and he brought his hands up in innocence, but didn’t move away from you. You sent Kelley help me eyes, releasing a light wave of distressed signals. He leaned closer to you, either oblivious or uncaring towards your uncomfortableness. 

“Can you take a step back please?” Kelley growled, releasing her own dominant scent. The man’s nose twitched as he turned to face her, his hand grabbing your shoulder to prevent you from escaping. Tobin shot you a concerned look, stepping towards the situation. 

“No need to get overprotective,” He smirked as though he was the one in control of this situation, the cockyness oozing off of him in waves. 

Kelley bearing her teeth was the only warning you and the teammates who were watching you had before she lunged at the man, entirely fed up with his caviler attitude towards you. 

“Whoa Kelley, relax,” Tobin yelled, wrapping an arm around the smaller alpha’s waist, pulling her away from the situation. The reporter dropped your arm in shock. The USWNT was known for its impeccable control. It was incredibly rare for an alpha to lose it, but Kelley had been pushed too far. 

“You do not disrespect her!” She roared, fighting Tobin, Christen, and JJ’s attempts to restrain her. Alex, Sam, and Mal all moved to stand between you and the sleezy reporter, hoping that a wall of teammates would help to calm Kelley down. 

“Kelley, chill,” Christen grunted when an elbow came very close to her face. Nothing would calm her down right now besides you. 

“Kel,” You said quietly, your voice barely above a whisper, and the alpha froze. She turned her head towards you, her inner alpha screaming for her to go to you, so she did. The team let her pass and she wrapped you up in her arms, your face buried into her neck, soothing your frayed nerves and appeasing your instincts. 

“I don't like this,” she hissed into your ear, her nose pressing sinfully against your scent gland, marking you as her own. You whined pitifully into her neck, a sweat breaking out across your forehead and a low ake settling in your lower belly. 

The team formed a protective cocoon around the two of you (leaving a wide radius as to not trigger Kelley’s instincts further) to give you some privacy from all of the cameras. Vlatko quickly made his way towards the hoard of players, deciding that having you and Kelley present was not a priority at the minute. He could smell the heat pheromones rolling off of you, a distinct shift from the pre-heat symptoms you were experiencing before. Keeping you here would just be begging for trouble, A fact he wasn’t naïve to. 

“Take her back to the hotel, and… take care of her,” He ordered carefully from a respectable distance. The team was a family (a very protective family) and he was the newcomer. Getting too close to the team (who were already in protective mode) was a very bad idea. 

Kelley glanced up from your neck to salute him “You got it, boss,” before picking you up bridal style. You were in no condition to walk, and your omega preened under the alphas display of strength. You purred into her chest, nuzzling the skin exposed by her neckline. 

“What about my interview,” the reporter huffed, receiving several glares from Kelley and the rest of the alphas on the team. How fucking dare he. While they couldn’t deny him outright, they always had a special punishment for disrespectful assholes. 

“I’ll finish it, you’ve perved on enough omegas today,” Tobin smirked evilly in his direction, too many teeth showing in her smile to be kind. Christen sent a nod in your direction as if to say that the team would deal with the situation so Kelley could attend to you. She sent the forward a grateful smile before leaning down to kiss your head. 

“Let’s go my darling,” she murmured, walking towards the door, all of her alpha bravado gone now that you were safe in her arms. Now that she could devote her full attention to making you feel good and loved instead of fending off other alphas. Maybe she had lost her impeccable control, but it was worth it if it kept you safe. 

[x688plsloveme]

how about cuddling with the fnv or da2 companions? whichever one you feel like doing!

I'm doing DA2 solely because I adore Carver and he deserves more love

Anders: He's as prickly as the cats he loves. Of course it's not for no reason, he just doesn't want to be emotionally attached to anyone because of all the caution his life demanded of him. He opens up slowly, it takes years before he's comfortable with hugs, but eventually, in their last days before his final act, he seeks out cuddles from any of his friends that will give them to him. They can all tell something is on his mind, so they let him come to them as much as he wants. The day before he blows up the Chantry, he finds himself in Hawke's arms. His closest friend. The one he'll hurt the most. He still seeks their comfort, glad that they'll be the one to ultimately kill him.

Aveline: She isn't very touchy feely on principal. Always professional and serious that one. Well, unless she's drunk. Will wrap herself around the nearest person and cry about how much she loves her husband. Is extremely embarrassed afterwards and Maker forbid if she latched onto Hawke, Varric, or Isabella cause those three will not let her live it down.

Bethany: The more obviously clingy of the twins, she's always down for cuddles. Particularly with her older sibling, but friends are just as good. She feels the need to be strong in front of others though, so she shies away from any contact in public. Definitely a physical touch love language kinda gal.

Carver: More of a tsundere than Fenris when it comes to his older sibling for sure. Will gladly indulge Bethany when she wants since she doesn't do it in public - he has a reputation to maintain you see. The other, more mischievous companions like to mess with him by draping themselves over him at any given moment. Usually he just trips over his own feet in embarrassment and turns as red as a tomato (particularly when it's merrill, though the poor girl doesn't know what she does to him). Sometimes, if he's caught completely off guard, he'll throw whoever's touched him. This seems to happen with Hawke more than anyone, but he swears it's a coincidence. It's only after their mother's death that he starts to accept affection from Hawke, cuddles included. He finds that it's actually nice to emotionally depend on someone for once, even if it's his larger than life sibling. He'll never admit this of course.

Fenris: Touch him and he'll kill you. The most people can get away with is a casual shoulder touch every once in awhile (mostly form isabella). It's not that he doesn't like the act of cuddling or any other form of physical affection, he's just... afraid. Of hurting them, getting hurt himself, the reminder of the feeling of hands all over him when he was a slave... It all comes rushing back when he gets to close. She he opts to stay far. Hawke's is probably the only person who has hugged him and lived to tell the tale.

Isabella: Of course she's a cuddly person! She's always been touchy-feely, what's a little skinship between friends? She worms her way into, at the very least, a short cuddle session with everyone. She likes the girls and Carver the most though. They're hands down the cutest of their bunch. She's cool with whatever - big spoon, little spoon, on their lap, other way around, or even just a quick hug. Once she gets attached to everyone, she starts doing it more and more as a way to comfort them and herself. She's never had such a tight knit group of friends before, let alone for this long. She's happy for it.

Merrill: Most Dalish are pretty open about affection, Merrill included. Once she gets to Kirkwall, however, she's pretty touch starved. It's hard not to be when you grew up swarmed in attention and love, only for the same people who gave it to you to now give you the cold shoulder whenever you so much as meet eyes. She likes Varric the best. The two are the smallest of the group and after awhile he's basically her adoptive dad, so of course she'll seek him out whenever she gets lonely. A few others are also open about affection and she's glad she can rely on them too. Once the years go by, basically everyone are pretty touchy with each other. It almost reminds her of how her clan used to be with her.

Sebastian: He's a lot like Carver, except his motives are different. Lust is still a sin struggle he wants to avoid, and being a womanizer who grabbed the attention of every sort of woman, he appreciates more than most. That's just fancy talk for saying every woman in Hawks' merry band of misfits are attractive and he's scared he'll accidentally sleep with Isabella. After he becomes somewhat friends with everyone though, he puts that behind him. What kind of man wants to bang his friends? He's still a tad more distant than some others, but never turns down an offer from a friend that needs affection. Surprisingly, Carver is the one who seeks out his attention the most. Mostly because both of them aren't the most touchy feely so they get each other.

Varric: After Bianca, he didn't get too close to many people. At least, not enough to cuddle them casually. So imagine his surprise when he finds himself in the middle of the most important people to him (when did that happen?), most of them drunk off their asses. The only one not in the doggy pile is Fenris who can hold his liquor better than most and is taking full advantage of Hawks promising they'd pay for the tab. He knows that he's one of their friends that will always be there to snuggle up with while he tells a story or two, but he didn't expect this. He supposes it's because of his amazing chest hair.

[ranma-rewatch]

Episode 1-The Strange Stranger from China/Enter Ranma

Alright, time to really start this thing off with the first episode, “The Strange Stranger from China”. I...don’t remember that being the name of the episode, but it has been about a decade since I last saw the series.

I feel like I remember what happens in this episode pretty well, it should just be an introduction to (some) of the main cast and kick of the dynamic between the two leads, but I could be wrong. Let’s see after the break, once I have rewatched the episode!

Okay first things first, the Opening. Musically, this song has always sat in a weird spot for me. It’s really freaking catchy and memorable, but it’s also kind of annoying? Like, there is a fine line between a great ear worm and a song you actually want out of your head, and “Don’t Make Me Wild Like You” by Etsuki Nishio is like right on that line. There are parts of it I think are adorably entertaining, like the whistle, and other parts where I kind of cringe. It’s not my favorite opening song of the series, but it’s not bad either.

Visually, it is Okay with a capital O. There is a reason Mother’s Basement has never done a feature on it. It is mostly just the cast running in place over pastel backgrounds, and some of them have the coloring that’s very different from what would end up being used later on once they appeared. That said, I have to give infinite props to Akane’s little snapping dance, because it is freaking adorable and I love ever frame of it.

Also, the title. What I said it was earlier, “The Strange Stranger from China”, was what Hulu has it listed as, and from what I can tell that was what it was listed as on DVD. From what I can tell from my expert translator, Mr. Google Translate, it’s kind of similar to the Japanese title, which says it is “He's from China!! A little weird!!”. But in the episode, the dub says the episode is “Here’s Ranma” which is what I remember it being. So...yeah. Apparently at some point they wanted to retcon the english title of the episode, but never changed the dub track to match.

So, what’s the episode about? Hell, what is this show even about? Well, the episode starts with a feminine person with red hair fighting a panda in the street, arguing about being betrothed to someone against their will, while onlookers watch in confusion. Then the panda knocks them out, and carries them away. Cut to the Tendo family estate, where Soun Tendo has received news that Ranma Saotome and his father Genma will soon be coming, and gathers his three daughters to explain the situation.

You see, in addition to being fairly well off in general, Soun is the owner of a dojo for the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts, and his best friend and fellow practitioner of the same art, Genma, made an agreement years ago to bind their families in marriage. Thus, Ranma will marry one of Soun’s three daughters. From oldest to youngest, they’re Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane, who is the only one of the three to practice martial arts herself. When Soun reveals he has never met Ranma and has no idea what he’s like, his daughters are kind of pissed that their dad promised one of them would have to marry him, which is pretty fair.

Instead of the middle-aged man and teenage boy they expected, the red-head from before is dragged in by the panda, and they explain they are Ranma Saotome, to everyone’s confusion. Based on their body, everyone assumes Ranma is a girl, and Ranma and Akane actually become fast friends, sparring in the dojo. But after Akane has a surprise bathroom encounter with a very masculine Ranma that involves him seeing her naked, and vice versa, they learn the truth.

See, Ranma and his dad were in China training when they visited Jusenkyo, a seeming hot spring tourist trap, only to each fall in a different spring while practicing fighting there. Turns out all the water there is cursed because things kept drowning in the springs a long time ago. Now they’re both cursed. They each transform when cold water is poured on their heads, into a feminine body for Ranma and a panda’s body for Genma, and turned back with hot water.

Once that’s all out in the open, everyone except Ranma and Akane thinks that, since Akane doesn’t like guys, she would be the perfect fiance for Ranma since he is ‘half girl’. Akane is still upset with Ranma, both because she has a lot of issues with men and feels betrayed that Ranma never said he was really a guy, and also because he saw her naked. Ranma claims it isn’t a problem because he can look at himself anytime and he’s more stacked, and the dynamic of Akane hitting Ranma for the asshole-ish things he says is born.

So, lots of stuff to talk about for an analysis. I think I’ll go with a compliment sandwich, bundling up what was rough for me around what I liked or thought was particularly interesting. To start with, aside from a few places where there was clear corner-cutting of reusing animation and kind of needless flashbacks, I liked the animation. The original mangka, Rumiko Takahashi, has really great character designs, and I love seeing her personal art style brought to life by the animation of Studio DEEN, a group I am not super used to complimenting.

In terms of plot, I think it’s a pretty strong opener. It introduces a lot of the main cast, even if some of them are depicted fairly broadly and not shown as the characters they’d one day become. This might sound odd, but I also really appreciate how female nudity is handled. Maybe it’s just because, if anything, the way most anime handle ‘fanservice’ has just gotten more and more over-the-top as the years go by, but the way Ranma 1/2 handled it feels like a breath of breath air.

See, in most modern anime, full blown nudity of either sex is never shown. Instead, feminine characters’ bodies are incredibly sexualized, with lots of emphasis put on the breasts and other body parts, without ever giving the full game away. By contrast, this episode contained several example of the feminine form shown completely nude, but it wasn’t treated like some mind-blowingly sexy thing, it was just kinda shown without much fanfare. I’ve currently watching the original Mobile Suit Gundam, which came out around the same time, and it actually does the same thing a few times. It feels more similar to how nudity is treated in, say, paintings or sculpture, more tasteful, and I just kind of think it’s neat.

What is definitely less neat...is the music. If I had to throw out right away my biggest gripe with the show, it is the OST. Not all of it, there are a few bits near the end of the episode that are actually really good, they’re the kind of music I remember being in the show. But the more silly, goofy tracks more common in the first half of the episode really don’t work for me. They remind me of the generic ‘Silly Person’ theme songs from the Ace Attorney games, and maybe it’s just me, but those kind of background music always take me out of the experience and grate on my nerves. That’s actually my only big issue so far, but it did make both times watching this episode genuinely hard to get through at points, it annoys me that much.

Now, I will say right now that I will be referring to Ranma using male pronouns regardless of whether he’s in his cursed form or not, and I won’t call him a ‘girl’ or a ‘woman’. If you didn’t know, sex and gender are not actually the same thing, so even if his physical sex is changed to fit someone who would be Assigned Female at Birth, his internal gender doesn’t change. No matter how Ranma looks, he thinks of himself as a man.

Corollary to that, it was this time going through this episode that I realized something that I’d never thought of before: Ranma’s experience in this episode, and in some ways throughout the series, is actually a lot like that of a transgender man’s. Ranma shows up at the Tendo’s estate and they all see him as a girl because of how he looks, only for him to reveal his actual gender. When he’s hanging out with Akane, and she thinks he is actually a girl, and they’re getting along, there’s a part where she tells Ranma that she’s so happy he turned out not to be a boy, and you can see Ranma’s facial expression, he doesn’t want to hear that. Clearly, yes, you can read that as Ranma wincing at the fact that she’s in for a rude awakening later on, but it also gives off the same kind of vibes closeted trans people experience when they’re misgendered by people they know.

In fact, when you think about how his curse really affects Ranma, when he’s in his cursed form, he effectively is a trans man. He still identifies as a guy, but his body has been changed so that it no longer represents who he sees himself as inside. It just felt like an interesting real life parallel in this episode, and I’m interested to see if I feel it shows up more later on. But for now, let’s move on to character spotlight.

For the first spotlight, I thought I should center on the titular Ranma Saotome. Obviously this won’t be the only time I focus on him, he’ll get more spotlight pieces as the series develops, so right now I’ll try to focus on the Ranma we see in just this one episode.

To start with, who plays him? Well, that’s a funny story, actually. Not only does Ranma, due to his curse, have different voice actors in each language for his cursed and non-cursed forms, but in the English Dub they recast his masculine body’s voice actor after three seasons. I’ll talk about that voice actor, Richard Ian Cox, once we get to when he actually becomes Ranma’s voice actor, so let’s start with the masculine form’s VA’s.

Now, the Ranma I first met when I was a teenager was Sarah Strange, a Canadian Voice Actress who is not known for much else. Her Ranma has mostly been the one I think of in my head when I think of the character. A little nasaly, her take on the character is very average joe, very ordinary high schooler. There’s some brashness to it, sure, but it’s actually kind of a subdued version of Ranma. Looking at it now, I actually feel like both of Ranma’s masculine form’s voice actors don’t quite fit the character, but for opposite reasons. Sarah Strange’s voice is so normal sounding that it dampens the more extreme parts of his character, Ranma at his most arrogant and egotistical. Like I said, I’ll cover Richard Ian Cox when he takes over the role, but I’ll say in brief here that his version of Ranma is the polar opposite, too over-the-top and aggressive.

In contrast, his original Japanese voice actor, Kappei Yamaguchi, feels a lot better to me, at least so far. Again, this is basically my first time seeing the series subbed, so I’ve only heard him for one episode as opposed to the 3 seasons I had with Sarah Strange. Still, Kappei’s take on Ranma is just as normal sounding as Sarah’s, but I felt like I could already hear a little more of the more emotional side of the character I felt Sarah never quite managed to capture properly.

As for Ranma’s cursed form, I was kind of confused, because the voice I was hearing in the episode wasn’t the one I remembered. For a while, I thought she must have just grown into the role over time, but it turns out that is not the case. For the first six episodes of the show, he was played by Brigitta Dau, who was then replaced with Venus Terzo. Now, I did not know this until literally right now, as I am typing this, so I feel like I don’t actually have much to say about Brigitta. Her performance felt a little off to me, but not bad. Venus, though, really owns the role once she takes over. Her performance as red-headed Ranma has always felt perfect for me, selling the idea that this is a teenage guy in a feminine body, and she’s really good at selling Ranma at his most dickish.

In Japanese, this form of Ranma is played by Megumi Hayashibara. Now, I would never ever say she did a bad job, but from what I saw of her in this episode, I don’t know how much I actually like her as Ranma. Maybe it’s just the pitch of her voice, but she doesn’t sound quite to me like a guy in a feminine body, but just like a very emotional teenage girl. Of course, I do not speak Japanese and it’s a lot harder to really judge acting in a language you don’t understand, so I could be spouting utter nonsense, but that’s my thoughts on her as of this episode.

In terms of Ranma’s character, they don’t really give much away with this first episode. We know he’s a good fighter, has a difficult relationship with his father, doesn’t like his curse and wants to get rid of it, and has enough stubbornness to butt heads with Akane and stand his ground. I also felt like they did a good job telegraphing Ranma’s general fighting style during his sparring match with Akane. He spent the entire time dodging her attacks with incredible ease, which emphasizes his speed. Generally speaking, I’d describe Ranma as a very agile, thinking-on-his feet kind of fighter, but that’s something we’ll see more of in later episodes. I was going to do a big thing about his personality, but I feel like anything more than what I’ve said hasn’t really borne out in what we have, so I’ll wait for another time to do that.

Like I said in my Introduction post, I will be ranking each episode as they appear, and as this is the only one I’ve seen in the rewatch, it is both the best one and the worst one so far. The real question is how it will stand up next time, when I’ll be able to compare it to the second episode, “School is No Place for Horsing Around”. See you then!

[kisskissgivemeahug]

The Hosts Favorite Disney Princesses

I tried to put gifs but it kept deleting the text. So I am sorry about not having any gifs.

Tamaki Souh

Tamaki was the hardest for me to figure out but then I decided on Moana. He really likes how much travel there is in the movie. Even if it is all by sea. Being someone who moved to a new country. He knows how great it feels when you see new sights and when you learn new things. He also loves how the movie revolves around family. He could feel the connection between Moana and her family. Since he thinks of the host club like family. He likes to see the family moments. He also loves how Moana as a character is a strong and independent girl. Who wants to explore and do what is right. Reminds him of a certain girl with brown hair. Now whenever he goes to the beach he has to sing “How Far I’ll Go”.

Kyoya Ootori

Tiana!! He really likes how hard working she is. He liked how she didn’t like the prince because he was a prince and was good looking. Some people didn’t like how she was a frog for the whole movie. He did like it. He thought it was a nice plot twist from the original story. He really admired Tiana for her hard work and determination. He likes how she worked for her dreams. Even if he didn’t come from a poor family like she did. He knows what it is like to work hard for your goal. Since he is the youngest Ootori son. Tiana also reminds Kyoya of Haruhi. Since they both speak their mind.

Hikaru Hitachiin

Merida! Okay so first. The hair! Curly and auburn. Second um... her fiery personality. Even if he doesn’t like to admit that he has a short temper doesn’t mean that he can’t appreciate a character that has that trait. He likes how it deals with arranged marriages. Since he comes from a rich family. He has probably had his fair of seeing arranged marriages happen. He likes how Merida doesn’t take it and proves that she doesn’t need a man. He loves her talent in archery. He has always wanted to learn how to do it. Let’s just say... this boy likes a girl who can lift him up without a sweat. He also like the family bond. Even if Hikaru and Kaoru barely ever get into a fight. He likes to see it in films. Not because he likes seeing families fight but he likes to watch the process of them forgiving and understanding each other.

Kaoru Hitachiin

Cinderella! I mean come on, how could I not say Cinderella? I mean the whole symbolism with the pumpkin? Plus Cinderella made her own dress before her evil step sisters went and torn it all up. The animals helped her but that made him like her even more. When he was a kid, I think he thought his mom could speak to animals. I mean if Cinderella can make dresses and speak to animals then, why can’t his mom!? I think he liked how simple her story was. Yeah, she isn’t the strongest and most badass. Sure, she had the prince save her but, he also had to look across the whole kingdom for her. I think he can see her strengths in her talents and then putting the shoe on as a big f you to her step sisters and mother. Also you got to admit that dress and the glass slipper is iconic.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka

Does Vanellope count? I mean the princesses literally called her a princess. I mean she literally has candy all over her. Jk jk. I think Mitsukuni’s favorite would be Rapunzel. He likes her bubbly and adventurous personality. He also like how she is looks innocent and cute but can defend herself. Reminds him of himself. He likes how she has many talents since she has been trapped in a tower for years. He also thinks it is really cool how she uses her hair for many different things in the movie. She likes how she is determined. Even when the odds weren’t in her favor. She kept fighting.

Takashi Morinozuka

I think he likes Belle. I think he likes how she is a book worm and isn’t like what the town folks think she should act like. Obviously some people might be intimidated by his looks and don’t get to see how kind he is. He can relate to Belle in that way. People judged her for having a passion about reading. It was obvious that Gaston was intimidated by Belle’s smarts. Which is something that Takashi likes about Belle. He also like how Belle would do anything for her family. I mean she literally traded places with her father. It is kinda like how Takashi is always there for Mitsukuni.

Haruhi Fujioka

MULAN! I mean how could I not make Haruhi’s favorite princess Mulan? They have many similarities. Mulan dressed as a man for her country. Haruhi also cross dresses. Very determined. Mulan went through a lot of hard training. Which Haruhi admires. Haruhi is hard working as well. I mean Haruhi got to go to a really expensive school. Just by her grades. That is amazing. Haruhi loves strong woman. Her mother was a strong woman and so is Mulan. I think having a princess that she could look up to and a mom in her childhood years is nice to think about.

[luci-cunt]

Hi, welcome to my open worm can, here’s me not being able to shut up Cureless and Cynical version @sargent-major-jane​ whyyyyyyy do youuuu doooo thiisss too meee aksdjfl;askdj XDD <33

Ok so first of all, here’s the cast: Izyc, a demon; Walter, a vampire; Lou a werewolf 6 year old

The story starts out with Walter summoning a demon (who happens to be Izyc) because he wants to bring his friend (Caine) back from the dead. Walt’s at this point basically a dumbass rich fratboy and him and Caine had this pretty not great friendship that was super co-dependant and toxic because Caine is not a good person. Anyways, Caine ends up dying, but the circumstances seem fishy because no one will talk to Walter about it so he gets the fantastic idea to bring Caine back from the dead. 

Izyc’s a little ass tho and he’s like “how do you want him?” and so Walter orders one supersized friend resurrection. 

“Alright,” Izyc said, cracking his knuckles and standing up, “which one is he?”

Walter pointed to Caine’s grave and Izyc walked over to stand in front of it. He scanned the grave stone, it was made of lacquered wood, with Caine’s name burned into it. “A wonderful son and friend with an honest soul, he will be missed.”

“Must be nice to have one of these,” Izyc remarked, more joking than wistful, “I think my parents buried me in a Payless box in the backyard.”

“Sorry,” Walter said, not sure what to say. 

Izyc just shrugged, “them’s the apples,” he said, which didn’t make sense to Walter but Izyc was moving on.

There’s just one problem with this whole thing, and that’s the fact that Caine does NOT want to be alive. The reason no one told Walter about Caine’s death in detail was because Caine killed himself, and now he’s back as a nearly unkillable monster. 

So Caine mauls the hell out of Walter’s arm and turns HIM into a vampire. 

Some details about vampires in this world: they’re nearly unkillable. The only thing that can kill them is another vampire. The sunlight thing is a myth, Walt is allergic to garlic tho. Also he’s got fangs, and has better senses. Oh and there’s a wrinkle: the vampiric disease can be transfered thru bodily fluids--I promise this will be important later XDD

Anywhoo--Walt’s a vampire now and he’s grouchy and grumpy about it. he goes all emo and the story flashes forward 7ish years to him sulking in a bar even though he can’t get drunk he just LiKeS tHe BuRn. 

this is where we find out Izyc has stuck around, and that him and Walter hunt monsters. Also that Izyc really likes his pair of jeans. 

Izyc cried out as he hit the ground, scrambling to hold onto something as the gnome dragged him down into the tunnels. His arms hit the sides of the tunnel and stopped him and he cursed. 

Walter was on him in a second, grabbing him by the coat as Izyc held onto his arms and pulled against the gnome. 

“Fucking– catch– fire!” Walter yelled, straining to pull Izyc out of the hole. 

“I like these jeans!” Izyc yelled back, “Ow! Shit!” he yelped, probably as the thing’s claws started digging in. 

Oh also: since Izyc is a demon he’s got some magic powers, most namely: the ability to set himself on fire, the ability to conjure anything in the world as long as he makes a deal, and an immunity to vampire sicknesss. 

Also also: these are gnomes in this universe (description courtesy of Izyc’s bestiology)

Surprisingly large, looks a bit like if a mole and a man decided to shit on god’s face by fucking. Claws for hands and pointy faces with milky eyes covered by big, bushy eyebrows. Does not wear clothing, which is a sight, and known for dragging unsuspecting women into their dens during mating seasons. The species is exclusively male and very reclusive/ meek. Will not inhabit anywhere within a mile of another gnome.

So.... moving on.... Izyc and Walt have an odd relationship, they travel around the US living out of hotels (specifically one that’s run by a man eating ghoul named Klancy who may or may not be 100 years old). 

Some details to know about demons: most of them were desperate people who sold their souls to other demons for something in their life. Then when they die they get stuck in this limbo and are basically hellish office workers. People can summon Izyc, but the only ritual most know just pokes at him and he can ignore it. It’s actually how him and Walt get jobs, someone summon’s Izyc and gives him details and then Walt and him zip on over. 

So Izyc’s got nothing better to do and Walt was his first ever deal so sue him, he’s lonely, he just kinda sticks with Walt. After a couple of years tho they start fucking, and both claim it’s for convenience sake--mostly Walt tho, cuz he can’t have sex with anyone who isn’t a vampire unless he wants to make them a vampire and -- yeah anyways.

Izyc catches feelings though, and he tries to pipe up about it, but then Lou crashes into the story. 

Some details to know about werewolves: they don’t only transform under the full moon, but that is a sacred time for them. They’re very ostracized by the world, forced to live in tiny communities and keep to themselves because they’re “dangerous.” 

One day, a vampire comes through and murders Lou’s entire pack

and the two other packs living in the town with them. 

Lou is the only survivor, and she’s friends with a woman named Luca who mentions a bitchy-but-nice vampire named Walter. 

And so Lou’s grieving 6 y/o brain goes “only a vampire can kill another vampire, this is perfect” and tracks Walt down and twists his heart strings until he agrees to at least check the scene out. 

Details about Luca: she’s Walter’s ex-boyfriend’s step-sister and she’s also half banshee. She’s also also one of Walter’s only friends. 

Some details about banshee’s: contrary to popular belief they aren’t omens of death, rather just really fucked up people. They’re usually the product of a hateful birth and feel emotion so strongly they’ll only be able to feel one single emotion in their lives. Usually people’s first emotions when their born is fear, and thus--screaming banshee’s. However, if you’re only part banshee you feel other emotions but they’re still super strong, so Luca’s basically cracked out bipolar. She takes meds that help but if she doesn’t take them it gets BAD.

Anyways, Walter goes to the crime scene, it goes a little like this: 

It started as splatters, dried and dirty looking on the ground. Then it got thicker, darker, and more concentrated. The walls of surrounding buildings were painted with it, and the street looked like it had been bathed in it. At the end of the street, however, was a schoolhouse, which seemed to be the source of all of it. 

Walter’s shiver had nothing to do with the cold. 

“Hey!” a voice called suddenly, stirring Walter out of where he’d been standing, staring at the school. It wasn’t very large, just a long, single story building that had a lot of windows and big doors. Above them were rusting metal letters spelling ‘SMITH CREEK ELEMENTARY.’ Most of the windows were broken and the doors had been torn off their hinges. The lawn in front of the school – which had probably been grass before – was now torn up and muddied from countless claws scrambling and tearing it up. 

“Hey!” The voice called again, this time closer, “you can’t be here.”

Walter turned to find a man walking up to him. He was wearing an officer’s uniform and his face was scrunched up in annoyance behind a big paper mask that covered his mouth and nose. Walter could smell lavender on it. The officer was also quite a bit shorter than Walter, and he had blond hair and crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at Walter. 

“I’m on business,” Walter said, “a consultant,” he lied. 

The officer gave him a shrewd look, “we didn’t hear anything about you coming up,” he said. 

Walter sighed, “it’s not my fault your department is useless.” The man’s face twitched. “I’m going back to work now, unless you want me to bother my superior and admit you messed up,” Walter said, brushing past the bristling man. 

“What kind of consultant are you supposed to be?” he asked, jogging a bit to catch up to Walter as he picked his way up to the school. There was a shallow set of stairs leading to the doors. The stairs were dark with blood and Walter almost expected them to be tacky. It had been days though, and they were dried by now. 

“Vampiric expert,” Walter said. 

“What are your credentials?” 

Walter turned and flashed his fangs. All the blood drained from the mans face and he took a few quick steps back. Walter didn’t stop walking, just tore through the caution tape blocking the doorway and went inside.

We find out later on that this is actually Caine’s doing, and Caine goes on a bit of the murder spree, which is what the book devolves into. Before it was some cases, a bunch of undocumented kishi (people with hyena faces on the backs of their heads) run into a wyvern problem that turns into a monster smuggling scandal. Izyc pisses off pirates which results in them kidnapping him to try and make Walt murder a bunch of mermaids, which just leads to the mermaids and Walt eating all the pirates. They meet another vampire named Marissa who happens to also be a warlock and zips them into a pocket dimension that’s like a 1950′s nuclear family where Izyc goes crazy, manages to escape, and then has to get into Walt’s pocket dimension and kill his alternate self.

yknow, the usual. 

This is so fucking long I’m so sorry if you managed to get all the way down here I owe you my whole soul aksjdf;lakjsdf;lkajsdf here’s some snippets: 

[spaceorphan18]

The Fox and the Hound

When I was a little kid, and it was the height of the Disney Renaissance, I asked him if there was a time when Disney didn’t put out good movies.  He said to me -- The 80s.  Well, we’re here in 80s Disney and, man, is it bleak.  

The Rescuers, while dark, had a dash of style and originality about it.  This film feels like it was lifted from the early days of Disney and yet is a pale comparison in both art and story.  It’s also as bleak, if not more, than The Rescuers without having any of its levity.  To top it all of -- it’s also kind of boring.  

The source material is bleak -- but was more about the reality of nature.  The Fox and the Hound weren’t friends to begin with, and everything was closer to how it would be in real life.  This tries to make tie in the theme of you can be friends with those unlike you, but it doesn’t quite work, especially when Copper and Tod have about one song montage to make us believe their BFF.  As my brother pointed out -- it’s about as much time as the Disney princess get with their princes before it’s decided that it’s true love, lol  

The rest of the movie is kind of spent with one group of dogs/humans chasing around foxes/humans and the endless circle of it is just... bleh.  

Also, a lot like many of the earlier films, there’s a lot of padding.  There’s a whole sequence with the birds chasing after a worm that goes on and on.  The point, eventually, is to show that the worm is worth saving because he turns into a butterfly, but I feel like that’s stretching the theme a bit much.  

Anyway, a part of the reason this film falls flat for me is that the main characters aren’t particularly that interesting.  It, again, reminds me of The Aristocats -- where we’re supposed to like these guys, and yet they have little to no personality.  They even brought in Kurt Russell and Mickey Rooney to do the voices, and unlike the Rescuers, who use their voice talents much better, they just don’t bring anything special to the roles.  

The animation is fine, but lacks the polish, beauty, and/or style of most of the other films before it.  There really isn’t much music, and the one big song sounds like a rough draft of Toy Story’s You’ve Got a Friend In Me.  

One thing I was thinking about during this film, especially towards the end, was why Tod doesn’t have the striking attractiveness that Robin Hood did, despite being a fox, and being somewhat drawn in a similar way.  And the biggest thing I keep coming back to is the voice acting.  I don’t know the dude who voiced Robin Hood, but Mickey Rooney went for a kind of dorkier, boy-ish route that lacks the charm and charisma of Robin Hood.  Meanwhile, Kurt Russell’s Copper is kind of one note.  

It makes me wonder, had the voice acting been stronger, and more memorable, would that have helped? Possibly! Though this was never going to be one of Disney’s strong films.  Animated films can do complex and in-depth in a short amount of time if done right.  This one tried to do a lot, but in the end kinda fell flat. 

Other Thoughts: 

The opening is perhaps the darkest one we’ve had -- there’s no music, just forest sounds against a grey sky.  

The first five minutes of this film is like the climax of Bambi.  In fact, there’s a lot of this movie that reminds me of Bambi. 

We’re out of England, and back in Americana, but I can’t quite tell when.  It’s definitely got a mid-1800s old West feel, but there are cars and photographs, so -- 1890s?? 

There are so many voice actors that are more famously used in other Disney projects -- such as half the cast of Winnie the Pooh and Robin Hood that I find it really distracting.  

The woman who plays the owl, however, is a delight - and she’s easily the best thing in this story.  

The score is a little weird -- most of it is traditional and/or jives with the late-19th century feel, except one chase scene which sounds like it should be in a 60s spy movie. 

While I’m glad that the antagonist is not a woman for once -- it’s annoying how much the word ‘female’ gets thrown around like a slur.  

Little Tod is voiced by Corey Feldman -- idk, I thought that was a fun fact to share with y’all.  

Final Thoughts: There’s a reason this film is one of the ones that often gets forgotten.  There’s not much in it that’s worth remembering for good or for bad.

[ravenofthefandoms]

Here are my thoughts on S8E2!

REAL QUICK THO AN ANGRY REMINDER

If you’re gonna post about an episode after watching the leak TAG UR SHIT I saw way too many spoilers and literally two hours before it aired. If you can’t tag ur shit then don’t post at all until it’s over. At least then most people have seen it. If you don’t tag ur shit then ur legally an asshole so be careful

ANYWAYS Thoughts from S8E2:

- Hi yeah did Dany kinda forget that her dad was the Mad King or is she just gonna act like she’s the only one with the right to want Jaime dead?

- Also I love how she’s like “your sister lied to me wut you gonna do about it”

- She needs to step oFF of Tyrion

- I hope Jaime really does slit Dany’s throat tbh how great would that be

- Bran is great fuckin hilarious

- YAS BRIENNE DEFEND YO MANZ

- God I love Sansa so freaking much 😭 she actually values her advisors opinions unlike another queen I know

- I love how Dany expects Jon to be like “yeah babe whatever you want” and then he’s like “nah Sansa’s right”

- Grey Worm I love you but you’re not intimidating buddy I’m sorry

- Jonno does a 10/10 walkout

- Tyrion you don’t deserve this work environment abuse go give your wisdom to someone else who deserves it

- Mmmmmmm Gendry what a man

- “It’s strong enough” what ur dick?

- “What do they smell like?” What kinda question is that wtf

- PSA: sharp objects handled by Arya Stark turn on Gendry pass it on

- Arya Stark, Queen of BDE

- Fuck yes I love this Bran and Jaime reunion

- Bran is like it’s chill tbh it’s like a good thing that you pushed me out the window and made me a cripple cuz now we’re here and I’m a magical motherfucker

- Bran is the most understanding person ever after he became the Three Eyed Raven

- “She’s your new queen too” mmm no

- Actually, contrary to popular belief Tyrion, it’s not hard to blame her

- Tyrion is both smart and a dumbass at the same time how the fuck

- Jaime’s like a dog who just heard a squirrel like “????brienne?????”

- Podrick isn’t a boy anymore HE IS MY MANZ AND HUSBAND AND HOLY FUCK HE GOT HOT SO FAST LIKE THE LIGHT FACIAL HAIR? WET. SWORD FIGHTING SKILLS? WET.

- Awww Brienne and Jaime are like the awkward high schoolers who have a thing for each other

- Why does Jorah still call her Khaleesi

- I’m glad Jorah isn’t a dumb bitch. Like he literally betrayed Dany to her brother’s killer and she still forgave him but Tyrion decides to trust his sister for once??? Nope he fucked up too bad not trustworthy

- Uhhh the position wasn’t Jorah’s to be stolen

- This scene is proof that Daensa will never happen and I am glad for it

- “I wish I could have that kind of faith in my advisors” uhh??? Maybe get some new advisors then??? You should trust them??? That’s why they’re your advisors????

- PREACH SANSA CLAPBACK ON THAT BITCH BEING A HYPOCRITE

- Uh no a) the northerners accept Sansa pretty well they actually like her and b) you’re not doing a damn good job of it dumb bitch

- Uh the family that destroyed Sansa was your family dumb bitch

- Is this bitch really making the excuse that she was manipulated?¿?

- This bitch big stupid

- This scene literally reminds me of high school like Dany literally reminds me of those fake ass bitches who were sickly sweet just to get what they want from me like wtf Dany is so obviously fake that it makes me cringe

- BREAKER OF CHAINS MY ASS THE NORTH BROKE THEIR OWN CHAINS AND NOW YOU WANNA PUT THEM BACK ON DUMB BITCH EHHA (read that ehha as Cardi B)

- THEOOOOOOON YAS

- I love how he just ignores Dany and is like SANSA I WANNA SERVE U BB

- Suddenly I ship Theonsa

- This Theonsa hug is all I have ever needed in life

- Isn’t that the thief from Merlin?

- I love that little Irish girl who’s like “imma fight give me a sword” like is this Arya 2.0??

- I heart Gilly

- “I’ll defend the crypt then” YES YOU WILL LIL HUNNY YOU’LL DO A DAMN GOOD JOB OF IT TOO

- EDDAAAAAAAY AND TORMUND YAS MY FAVE BITCHES

- Tormund is like surprise bitch you getta hug me first

- Beric is basically that cool as fuck and chill as hell uncle

- “The big woman”

- We love a Jon Snow pep talk

- Bran is like “hi yeah I’d like to be uhhh bait”

- Damn Samwell you didn’t have to flex on us like that with that deep thinking aight

- YES THEON REDEMPTION ARC AS FUCK

- Noooooo let Tyrion fight you ain’t his boss bitch (I mean you are but)

- Need it for what? Taking over the north?

- “No one’s ever tried” hehe I’m in danger

- Stark fam looking badass as fuck

- Walkout #2 isn’t as smooth but still acceptable

- “It’s a long story” bitch I got time start talking

- I CACKLED when those girls walked away from Missandei like I felt bad but that was just such a “you can’t sit with us” moment

- CAN GREY WORM AND MISSANDEI JUST GO TO NARTH AND STAY THERE FOREVER AND GROW OLD TOGETHER PLEASE

- WE WILL PROTECT YOU IM CRYINGGGGG

- Ghost is that you homie????

- Awww the Nights Watch reunion made me tear up a lil

- Sam’s like “I AINT NO BITCH I KILLED A WHITE WALKER KILLED A THENN AND STOLE BOOKS FROM THE CITADEL IM THE BADDEST BITCH AROUND”

- I love this banter with my whole entire heart

- i miss grenn and pyp so much I’m crying grenn was my pre-Pod husband

- I love Lannister brother moments so much they are so pure

- Oprah is handing out redemption arcs left and right wOw

- PODRICK HE IS A MAN NOW HE IS MY HUSBAND HE IS JUST SO SEXY NOW

- CACKLINGGGGG “half a cup” pours in half the wine jug

- What a squad

- TORMUND MAKES ME LAUGH SO FUCKIN MUCH

- He’s the awkward kid who tells weird stories and then does weird shit

- “Kingslayer get it right” - Jaime on the inside

- Everyone just has a “wtf” look on their face and I’m dying

- I. AM. CACKLING. AT. TORMUND. SEND HELP

- I fucking love Sandor with my entire heart and soul

- “I fought for you didn’t I?” Touche you got her there

- *sandor doesn’t get to sit by himself* fINE WHY DOESNT THE WHOLE FUCKING NORTH COME SIT BY ME TOO HUH IF YOU ALL WANT TO. CROWD. ME HUH???

- “I’m not gonna sit with you old shits I’m gonna go fuck a bull I mean uhhhhh I gotta go ”

- Arya being lowkey jealous makes me cackle like a witch

- “Is that your first time?” “Well yeah Arya I don’t put leeches all over my dick every time I get home wtf”

- YES ARYA GET THAT DICK HUNTY YASS RIDE HIM TO STORMS END HUNTY YAAAAAAS

- ARYA IS DOM AND GENDRY IS SUB PASS IT ON

- Arya having her first time be CONSENSUAL and with someone she loves makes me happy as fUCK

- GENDRY IS THE PUREST MOTHERFUCKER I SWEAR (only after Pod though)

- All I want at this point in my life is for Podrick to hold me in his big strong arms like I just wanna cuddle him fUCK

- “Not a Ser?? Why the fuck not get outta here with that bullshit”

- “I never wanted to be a knight” Podrick: I call bULLSHIT

- Tormund is supportive of Brienne even when she’s dating another guy he doesn’t even care

- WE WAITED SO LONG FOR BRIENNE AND JAIME TO HAVE A ROMANTIC AND INTIMATE MOMENT AND WE GOT AND BRIENNE EVEN GOT WHAT SHE DESERVES OUT OF IT

- Podrick is Brienne’s proud son I am living for it

- BRIENNE’S SMILE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND PRECIOUS THING ON THIS WHOLE ENTIRE EARTH IT MUST BE PROTECTED

- Honestly Tormund just wants to see Brienne happy and successful and tbh I don’t think he would care if that meant that she was with Jaime

- I stg if anything happens to babygirl Lyanna i will throw fists she looks like such a little bad ass in her armor omg she’s adorable

- Yeah Jorah you don’t gotta wield it in Randals memory he was kind of an asshole

- Can Podrick sing me to sleep every night please holy fUCK

- Theonsa? Check. Gendrya? Check. Grey Worm and Missandei? Check. Podrick making my whole self thirsty for him? Check.

- Uhhh Daenerys are you not gonna be concerned that you were idk fuckin your nephew or maybe that you aren’t the last Targaryen???? Maybe something important like that not the Iron fucking Throne???

- This bitch really thinks that Bran and Sam were lying hAh she drank a lot of dumb bitch juice this episode

- Daenerys is like those anti-vaxxers or flat earthers who refuse to see the facts

- Fun fact: episode 3 is going to tear out my heart and soul, put them in a blender, and then fucken shook it until it exploded like a coke with a mento in it

- I read somewhere that said something to the effect of characters who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it and that sounds like Dany w/ the Mad King to me rn

- Honestly every time Dany talked in this episode I got pissed off so that’s not good

- People be like “aw this episode was so boring” like bITCH ARE YALL MISSING THESE GREAT DOMESTIC MOMENTS?? GAME OF THRONES ISNT ALL STABBY AND SHIT IT CAN BE NICE FOR ONCE

- This episode made my heart full and I’m going to cry

- Ummmmm in case y’all haven’t seen in Dan Portman (Podrick) posted on his Instagram and it may or may not be a spoiler and if it is then I’ll kill myself

[herstuf]

GOT 8x5 reactions

This is going to be so long but here we go

◦ Huh, killing Varys? I mean I always saw that coming but damn

◦ Omg THE DRAGON OUT OF THE SHADOWS OMG WOOOWWW

◦ Awe the soft dracarys, it’s so sad and light. She’s thinking of messandei and that’s so sad

◦ Oh I do not like Jon’s way if looking at her when they executed him I do not like that at all

◦ Awe grey worm and Dany this is so sweet and raw. I want to cry.

◦ Trovo nudho?? Have I missed that before??

◦ Tbh Dany is a genius. And she’s so aware

◦ “I love you” YASS JON YASS

◦ this This this omg OMG omg no stop pulling back Jon stop it

◦ “Let it be fear” what????? What is this writing??

◦ Shit Jamie.

◦ It’s going to be so fun listening to everyone call Dany mad, when all she’s doing is being a strong ruler and if she wasn’t a Targarean and wasn’t a woman everyone would be applauding her

◦ I love Arya Stark more han anything on my life (cue Hamilton remake for GOT)

◦ “We speak the common tongue” lololololol

◦ Dany knows you’re going to see Jamie, oh ain’t sneaky Tyrion. You’re a dumbass who just betrayed her again. She just told you not to do that. “The stupidest Lannister alive.”

◦ Arya Stark waiting in the dingy “think again bitch”

◦ Awe Tyrion. That’s okay I forgive you now. This is sweet and he’s willing sacrifice for everyone. Touching

◦ Ugh fuck off uron I hate your face

◦ You know what’s interesting is that people all call Dany mad for her logic and emotions but nobody ever calls Cersei the mad queen, but she doesn’t more insane choices that anyone.

◦ Yasss Arya inside the gates

◦ Not exactly subtle but I guess the panic hides that?? Feels like a weird choice but okay

◦ Oh Jamie too. Interesting.

◦ We who’s the creepy guy at the front?? He looks like they plucked him from Les Miserables

◦ This is such a weird and un-strategic set up?? I feel like Jon is smarter than putting the entire army at the front gates ready to die??

◦ This little girl is adorable I hope she lives because she’s so cute.

◦ Awe Jamie didn’t make it too bad guess we’re fighting.

◦ Can dragons swim? Because it would be really cool if she came bursting out of the fucking ocean.

◦ Ugh buffering 🙄

◦ Ah damn it if the sky. But look at that dive, absolutely beautiful.

◦ YASSSS DANY YASSS DROGON

◦ I hope uron is dead.

◦ SHES DOING SO GOOD I LOVE THIS WOOOOOO BURN THEM ALL

◦ “Can you hear the people sing”

◦ I’m giggling like a maniac that was amazing you burn that gate omg

◦ Yaaasss grey worm with that spear. If I was straight I’d be so into him.

◦ Has Cersei ever cried? Ant remember

◦ This is epic?? I love all of this??

◦ They ain’t sell swords dumbass. Red keeps gonna fall today, because you suck and it’s time :)

◦ POWER WALK JON AND GREY WORK POWER WALKING

◦ They’re gonna surrender

◦ Don’t do it Tyrion. Don’t do it Jamie. Don’t fuck this up.

◦ Fuck if Dany burns these people fuck fuck fuck

◦ SURRENDER YES

◦ Rad love this whoop whoop

◦ Bye bye Cersei. I hope Arya slits your throat.

◦ Ringing bell ooooh

◦ Dany don’t do it don’t do it. You know better you’re smarter. She’s gonna get executed no matter what. Fuck Dany Dany no. WHAT??????????? WHAT IS SHE DOING WHAT THE FUCK RUSSO BROS WHAT THE FUCK

◦ Cool so we’re just counting more character assassination rad lvoe those nice job russos so glad you compromised consistency this much.

◦ Dany, freer if slaves, Meesa, Mother’s rif dragons, kind harder woman, would never do that and the fact that you think she would burn the entire city instead of just flying straight for the castle is absurd. Your shock value is dumb.

◦ Awe the little girl. None of the northerners would ever attack citizens like this?? Everything about this is like some kind of fever dreams and the russos are just putting Jon snow “white make saviour extraordinaire” as the end all be all again.

◦ The idea that Dany burned a bunch of civilians, who she knows have no choice, only to then go to the castle is dumb as fuck.

◦ Ugh Uron again. Why can’t he die. If he kills Jamie somehow I honestly think I‘ll just walk away.

◦ No offence but I do not care about them fighting? This could have been 20 seconds tops and now it’s so long and such a waste of screen time

◦ Oh guess I’m walking away?? What the fuck??

◦ Oh my god she’s crying woah

◦ I’m gonna be honest I really do not understand what is going on this season. Does anyone??

◦ Well at least uron is dead.

◦ Oh yay Arya is still alive and still determined yay.

◦ Awe adoptive dad and murder child moment this is so sweet.

◦ The mountain- voted most loyal

◦ Oh just kidding lol

◦ OH HES DEAD CREEPY MAGIC GUY IS DEAD WOAH

◦ Huh he’s kinda like a lizard man from Skyrim.

◦ Can the mountain die? Like is he able to die?

◦ Arya better bit die because of Dany because that’s some dissonance between my two faves I will not be able to handle.

◦ Okay the parallels?? I’m so here for this. Finally some good cinematography.

◦ Ah the mother and the daughter I love

◦ Vaguely poetic I guess having the brothers die together.

◦ Anyone else notice that we haven’t seen Dany since she stared burning? Anyone else notice how much the Russo brothers suck a character consistency with women?

◦ Oh yay Arya is alive!!!

◦ Shit

◦ Oh still alive. I’m getting really nervous here.

◦ Ah fuck is Arya gonna kill Dany?

◦ I hate all of this. Did Arya just burn alive??? I will murder someone. Mostly likely the Russo brothers.

◦ Sorry but this deep romantic thing? Between Jamie and Cersei? Big No.

◦ WOAH UNEXPECTED WOAH WOAH WOAH

◦ ARYA MY BABY OH MY GOD THANK GOD

◦ I guess Arya or Jon is probably gonna kill Dany now, huh?

◦ A white horse? Just causally?

◦ Well she was the number one person I wanted alive so I guess I’m here for it

◦ This episode was ridiculous I have no idea where the show is going and shock value is not worth character assassination. 👍🏽

[greatwyrmgold]

Superheroes are an established genre these days, but they (obviously) weren’t when Marvel, DC, etc were starting out. This means that they have one thing that most modern superhero settings don’t: Unique origin stories for each member of the cast. Superman is an alien, Wonder Woman is an Amazon, the Green Lantern found a ring, the Flash got stuck in a lab accident, Batman is rich and stubborn; together, They Fight Crime!

Contrast that with more recent superhero stories. In My Hero Academia, every hero and villain has a Quirk. In Worm and Ward, every cape is a parahuman. In Steelheart and its sequels, the Epics are all…it’s kinda like Worm, if it called its villains Epics and didn’t have any heroes or general term for “superpowered human”. In Kamen Rider and Big Hero Six (among others), everyone’s powers come from science. In Miraculous Ladybug, Steven Universe, and other series on the border between superhero and either magical girl or urban fantasy, it’s all magic. And so on.

That’s an interesting shift to look at.

Obviously, not all modern superhero stories fit this formula. Some, like Mutants & Masterminds, Sentinels of the Multiverse, and Dreadnought/Sovereign, give unique origin stories to every superpowered or Badass Normal member of the cast; aliens, rich inventors, and super-soldiers stand side by side with witches, martial artists, and people whose powers’ origin aren’t really explained.

But these are all deliberate throwbacks; Dreadnought and Sovereign are trying to give trans kids the same kind of power fantasy cis ones get from reading Spider-Man or Wonder Woman, Mutants & Masterminds is an RPG for playing classic-style superhero stories, and Sentinels of the Multiverse has a whole metafictional layer of fictional comic books and pubishing history behind its cards.

There are some kitchen-sink-origin stories which aren’t so obviously “just” riffing on classic superhero stories one way or another. One Punch Man is the example that comes to mind first for me; a lot of its monsters are eventually revealed to have a common origin, and most of its heroes are “just” Badass Normals, but it still has some espers, oracles, cyborgs, aliens, mad scientists, and so forth. And then there are series like Dragon Ball, which TV Tropes insists is a superhero story so don’t @ me, which is just set in a goofy world where anything goes because the author cares less about series continuity than dumb jokes. But by and large, the rule is that superpeople in recent media share an origin story with everyone else in their setting.

And a lot of the time—especially in non-serialized media—that origin isn’t really discussed. Sky High, for all its accidental eugenicsy/fascy undertones and general mediocrity, is a pretty good example I can trust at least some of y’all to know about. Superpowers are just a fact of life, and that’s all anyone needs to know before we launch into our story about how a random dude with no powers becomes the greatest hero (by inheriting both of his parents’ powers at plot-convenient moments). There are a couple off-hand mentions of toxic waste sometimes giving people superpowers, but this is both a joke and exceedingly uncommon in-universe. Superpowers have one origin, and it’s genetic.

Putting aside how Sky High handled that setting element, it serves as a decent template for how superpowers work in everything from The Incredibles to Strong Female Protagonist to Worm to My Hero Academia to Aberrant to Wild Cards to the Milestone Comics universe to—you get the idea. People have superpowers, for reasons that may be explained in detail, or handwaved with something about genetics, or just ignored. These powers, or at least the status of having powers,are almost always heritable to some extent; when they aren’t, the superpowers are usually a recent phenomenon. Different superpowers are as unique as they are in kitchen-sink universes, each following their own internal logic, but they might share some common weaknesses (e.g. can all be “turned off” by the same kind of power nullification cuffs/field/power). And so on.

It’s rare for these rules to be stated explicitly, except in stories that try to get detailed about how their power system works (hiya, Worm!) It’s just accepted that, for instance, everyone’s powers are different yet the same; we know that’s how superhero stories work, so we accept it. Which would be normal genre stuff, if it wasn’t for the fact that there are a lot of high-profile superhero stories which don’t work that way! Anything that falls under the Marvel and DC umbrellas, for instance. Some rules apply to individual heroes—for instance, we can expect the kids of Superman, Zatanna, and Batman to inherit at least some of their parent’s powers—but they don’t apply to everyone and can’t be assumed.

That said, I’m pretty sure the genesis of this “standard superhero ruleset” comes from Marvel, specifically the X-Men. Marvel mutants all have a common, handwavey origin, with shared weaknesses (anything that removes or suppresses mutant abilities), but each mutant has their own unique powers. And so on. Aside from existing in a kitchen-sink universe, with lots of weird one-off power sources and the like, it’s just like the modern superpower system I’ve been describing.

I dunno if this is meaningful or anything, but I think it’s interesting, and I hope some other people do too. If you’ve read this far and you’re not one of them…I’m sorry.

[worldwrestlingfanatic]

Classic Review: Royal Rumble 2006

This is definitely a "spur of the moment" idea for me to review. I have no idea what brought me to wanna watch and review this pay-per-view. As I'm watching the intro while typing this I dont remember any of the feuds or big matches going into this event so I've got an open mind going into the pay-per-view.

Kid Kash (C) vs. Funaki vs. Jamie Noble vs. Nunzio vs. Paul London vs. Gregory Helms

This match feels so weird. A match name so complicated and long I didn't even bother including it in this review, its pretty much just a six man free for all with the first person to score a pinfall or submission winning the match. To me it kinda just feels like around this time the cruiserweight title picture didn't have much going on but WWE still wanted to include all these guys so they were just all put together last minute to make this match. A few quick notes, Jamie Noble looks a bit odd to me in any attire other than jean shorts and it's insane to me how Paul London wasn't better utilized. Hes easily my favorite in this match and arguably the most talented. That being said, Paul London did attempt a shooting star press off the top rope into the crowd of opponents and he kinda just missed everyone and landed face first on the outside of the ring. Another quick note, does anyone actually remember Kid Kash or anything he did in WWE? I knew of him before watching this but other than this match I can't name anything he did during his time with the WWE. Gregory Helms ended up winning by pinning Funaki. The cruiserweight championship, a smackdown exclusive title was won by a Raw superstar. Not only that but he kinda had the lowest amount of impact in this match. He hit a neck breaker on Paul London off the top rope but other than that he was kind of a nonfactor. Last quick note, on commentary they mentioned that Gregory Helms used to be the Hurricane. That's crazy to me, that's like if WWE referred to Stardust as Cody Rhodes. Weird way to start the show. Not boring, not overly exciting, just... weird.

Odd Rant: I dont typically speak on backstage segments in these reviews but watching Vince McMahon interact/touch on the "Divas" was pretty uncomfortable to witness, I feel the further I go back to do these reviews, the more common stuff like this is going to be and I'm not looking forward to it. But in this same segment we got to see a young Randy Orton and that's always great.

Mickie James vs. Ashley - Special Referee - Trish Stratus

Ah yes, the storyline of unrequited love between Mickie James and Trish Stratus. Not too sure what role Ashley plays in this storyline but I'm guessing it isn't because she was super over with the fans at the time considering the crowd was pretty silent as Ashley made her way to the ring. I was confused seeing Trish be the special referee of this match since at the time she was the womans champion. Just odd to see a champion at a ppv with her championship but not defending her title. Mickie James gets the win and immediately tries to celebrate with/hug Trish but was just met with Trish not wanting anything to do with her. Neither Mickie or Ashley were really.... the greatest wrestler at this point in their careers to say the least.

Odd Rant: its increasingly getting more uncomfortable to watch Vince interact with the "Divas". If we're going to keep cutting here between matches I'm pretty worried how far these segments will go

JBL vs. The Boogeyman

The man who ate worms for real for the sake of the character who gave me creeps as a kid taking on the corrupt wall street millionaire. Wrestling has certainly given me plenty to talk about over the years. I cant even imagine how people who faced the Boogeyman planned for these matches. "Oh you're going to spit a worm into my mouth at this point in the match, okay sounds good". The Boogeyman was more entertainer than wrestler. A guy that wasn't very diverse when it came to in ring talent and was very reliant on his gimmick to get him over. Boogeyman wins in a pretty uneventful match. His finishing move was a pump handle slam and just one was enough to put away JBL which is odd because I've seen this man bleed buckets in an I quit match against John Cena so I guess Boogeyman and his pump handle slam was just that damn strong.

Royal Rumble Match

Weird that the selling point for this pay-per-view takes place less than half way through the event but like I said, I don't know any of the matches going into this show so maybe they just have a big main event planned. As I'm watching I'm now a little more than half way and this certainly isn't a very star studded rumble match. Out of the 17 entrants so far the only notable superstars have been Triple H, Rey Mysterio, Big Show, Kane, Chris Benoit and Bobby Lashley. Not even surprising returning legends its just been some mid carders who aren't too great and jobbers like Simon Dean. RVD now comes in at number 20, hopefully this is a sign of things starting to pick up. Matt Hardy is now being dry humped by Viscera in the middle of the ring and before I could even finish typing that sentence Viscera eliminates Matt Hardy. I just felt that was a notable highlight to add. Now that I've seen all the entrants I feel like I can now fully discuss the match since I already know the winner. Rey Mysterio wins if you don't know. The lack of star power in this match caused really legitimate possible winners to be a bit of a short list. It's very disappointing that it took the death of Eddie Guerrero for WWE to give Rey Mysterio a title run. A pretty forgetful title run but a title run nonetheless. The match wasn't really much to talk about until we hit the final five. I do wanna add that I appreciate that this match was also treated as a Raw vs. Smackdown event. I mean, it was everyone for themselves but on commentary they frequently added who in the match currently was on which brand, which makes sense because Raw and Smackdown are competing against each other and whenever theres a match where superstars from both brands are present, on commentary at least, it should be treated as a competition. Just something I wish WWE would do more of today, I hated when Raw was just one big "supershow" I prefer the brand split, but that's a different topic for a different time. Overall the match did feel like a bit of a chore to get through but in the grand scheme of things I did appreciate the story they told of Rey Mysterio overcoming all odds with the deck stacked against him to make good on his promise that he dedicated a victory to his best friend, Eddie Guerrero.

Edge (C) vs. John Cena

John Cena came to the ring in what Joey Styles called a "Spaceship Catwalk" and I cant really think of a better name for whatever this was so I'll just go with that. Cena isn't even the champion and he got a wrestlemania style special entrance and Edge didn't. It was such an odd touch, could've went without it but at least it looked cool I guess. Edge was such an absolute heat magnet, he knew what to do and what to say at all times to make the crowds boo him it was a bit of disappointment to see Edge drop the title in this match. I understand that in the long run Cena winning was probably the smarter move but if their plan all along was to send Cena to wrestlemania as champion I wish they didn't tease us with an Edge title run. I mean, in 2006 everytime Edge won the title, he beat Cena to get it and everytime he lost it, it was to Cena. Edge had a nice title run as world heavyweight champion on smackdown years later but in relation to this event, that smackdown title reign felt like it was an eternity away. If nothing else this WWE title run turned Edge from a midcarder to a main event talent and he was deserving of it. All in all, I just wish Edge had a more lengthy run with the title instead of losing it in a month after being the first superstar to cash in money in the bank.

Kurt Angle (C) vs. Mark Henry

Listen, I get it, Mark Henry is a cool guy, but he isn't really an amazing athlete. Maybe its just me but I've never been able to get behind anything Mark Henry has been apart of, besides the hall of pain storyline but doesn't have for another few years. I don't know the story going into this match or the full smackdown roster at the time but I just feel like this match shouldn't have main evented. After seeing that this was the match they picked to go on last I wish they would have just saved the royal rumble to be the main event, they would've sent the crowd home happy with Rey Mysterio winning. I know we got a surprise Undertaker return at the end and that made people excited but looking back, Undertaker vs. Mark Henry at wrestlemania wasn't really all that great. Kurt Angle is fantastic but he cant carry everyone to a good match. Angle retains but other than that there just isn't too much to say about this match, it was slow paced and just didn't pack any real punch for me.

I cant really make a pros and cons list for this event, nothing was overwhelming entertaining and nothing was offensively bad. It was just a pretty "meh" event. Rey Mysterio won the royal rumble and Kurt Angle did an interview that made me laugh a little bit before his match and those are the highlights for me. The real lowlights I guess would be just how underwhelming this event was and how bland everything felt. Say what you want, I love womans wrestling today but watching the story progress between Mickie James and Trish Stratus was mildly entertaining too. I'm really reaching here.

2/5

[mum-for-da-sons]

Very messy Delta review

Hey gang, i sat & typed & spiraled while listening to delta for the first time just now, so if that interests you to read barely legible thoughts, it’ll be under the read more thing. dang i’m sad!! BUt spoiler alert: GOOOD ALBUM! I’m SAD!! (do note I don’t find the album or many tracks all-around too sad, I’m just a depressed bih)

Delta thoughts: okay i’m not gonna really edit what i wrote but for everyone’s sanity i’ll bold the song titles, okay?

42: BINCH! See a sign, I need some guiding light,,, eff ME UP OKAY?? This is such a strong start i’m already getting teary-eyed, huh. Ugh, it’s so satisfying… well effing done lads,, well done

Guiding Light: Hot dang the whispered beginning?? I really need to fix my computer speakers because this sounds heavenly in my over-ear headphones,, gosh dang. Discover some new TRUTH! Gosh dang this is not a comprehensive review in the slightest but i don’t care!! Binch!! I can’t even say anything good… when beloved or darkness visible makes me cry, i guess beloved is fourth? So if it does it’ll be first, anyway, when i start crying maybe i have something cooler to say. Not crazy about the “dubstep build” on this, after the bridge, just because i don’t believe it, like it’s not long enough, and resolves unconvincingly. But, anyway.

Woman: literally FRICK i thought if i say was next this start is cool and very Winston. Oh vibes?? Oh worm?? Woman?? I’m like 15 seconds in and this is… yes. Can you ever really know? No. is ths song even about anything lol i don’t think i care?? Issa vibe, gang. Chorus?? Eff me up. He said frosty… wendy’s come collect. Oh that was the pre-chorus?? This is f*cking me up… VIBES. i ‘ve been waiting for them to try this in a song of theirs and not like a cover.. I knew they were capable…. The range they’re displaying rn? I love it. I love them wtf!!  Oooh man i wanna see this live? There’s this drumstick noise, like rimshots? That sounds so satisfying. Yes, clackety clack. This is nice. Nice song. Don’t really know what they’re singing, bt this is warm. I like it. Mumford & sons finally said it’s 2018, huh. I just got a youtube notification of me commenting on their radio appearance and i literally said “the range they’re showing? Fantastic” and yanno what,, same

Beloved: this song started like right away huh. He said darling… dang he did that. He’s fitting a lot of words in on this one. Ohh the lord has a plan? It is hard to understand… i love these lyrics.. Big brain meme. Are you afraid? The attack.. Hand come through the mirror?? That visual!!! O f*ck me up. Before you leave :(( yeah it’s getting to me aHAHA.ohh this breakdown? Yes. these drums are especially nice. Ugh i really missed these guys wtf :(. AND AS YOU LEAVE, YOU MUST KNOW YOU ARE BELOVED> yes. Yes. as you LEeeeEEeaaveee. See my children playing at your feet?? BOI.. i’m so soft wtf.. They’re really putting it all out… i wanna hug them i’m so… this is so sweet aw. Oh no the song is fading, no don’t do that song

What song is this the piano can f*ck me up: ben man, you’re doin that huh. No literally did we have to jump to this painful… frick. This violin? Is nice. WE SAW BIRTH AND DEATH. Oh frick. They’re just going for it this is a lot i’m soft. Lemme actually see what song this is lol.. It’s The Wild. i have like chills & i can’t tell if it’s because i’m cold or not. Do not be afraid :(. OH they stripped it back!!! THIS IS NICE! Binch! Puts the fear of God in me :( this is so nice .. it’s hard to pick what to focus on. What’s that i see binch? I think it’s the wild… marcus is really do THAT with these vocals, huh. There was like a breath and.. The atmosphere during this part?? Nat Geo who??? Ohhh i like this so much.. It’s like a soundtrack.. The sampling of noise?? The background?? It’s cool, doesn’t specifically sound like them at all, but, aw these drums :( now it’s like a war movie.. This is so interesting. Those drums remind me of the drums in winter winds that i can sometimes here & it’s very drill-like and marching band-esqe and i love it. Aw birds??? You know what this reminds me of…. I won’t say

Next song: marcus is playing no games with these vocals, jesus. October Skies.. Isn’t this his favorite one… ooh ted I hear that bass,, eff it up.OooooOOOoooHH. The range… i love these guys. I’m blinded by the light of october skies… the movie with Jake Gylenhaal, and in the valley I am free :( where’d the silehute go? OOOooooOOOOooooHH YOUr’e esesjfsfshesal!! The fear of what’s to come.. CRIPlin’ me :( binch. Is this synth lowkey?? Brand it on my mind is such a great visual, like the “press my nose up to the glass around your heart” line.. Who wrote it. Oh is the sonG_ OOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooooHHHH. Maggie rogers is that you? Hot dang

An upbeater!! Wipe those tears baby! Is this the just smoke of this album. This is.. Slip Away. “stoic smile” i see you… haha. Ooh this chorus is nice COME AND SUFFER HERE, LADIES! Mood!! Holding my breathe for you? F! In this violence of a mind’s eye… i like everything except maybe---- ohh this falsetto?? I’m.. i’m tearing.. Oooh we just found a song to cry to in the middle of the night, huh. It’s misleading with the beat vs. the lyrics.. I wouldn’t have it any other way!! Gosh i’m so depressed! Lol!! There’s a pulsing beat of some kind that’s nice.. Also some nice guitar work on here, some clackety things… go gently… be still…. Go gently….now… be still… Go Gentlyyyyy nowwwww, be stiiiilllll. Ugh they.. They’re doing this… i’m so proud of them wtf. Is this winston?? Who is singing.. Marcus?? I can’t.. Tell? No i think its marcus but we’ve truly never heard that high-end from him for that long

Okay: next song is pretty interesting- ooh! Right off the bat! This has to be the one they said sounded like ngalma? However you spell it… clap clap clap clap clap, this is a drum-machiner one for sure. I will be yours & you will be mine, ever our lives will be entwined binch! This noise after “my rose of sharon” is a mood. Ugh this is so cute.. Imagine being happy w/ someone else, what a concept ! eeeeeee yuh! That’s what they’re singing in the back.. My rose of sharon, my rose of sharon, BRR BRR BRN NER! Did the song-- what’s up with these abrupt endings

That being said, Picture You sounds v vibey right off the bat. Okay lads! I thought it best you didn’t knowww. I’m so proud of Marcus for flaunting these vocals, i stg, I’ve spoken on this before but... like he can do that!! I’m so glad he’s,, doing it! Ooh the “away” is v nice. I love full-stops in music, where the sound gets sucked out like here or just stops entirely… yes boys. Okay.. not crazy about this kind of.. Breakdown but it’s still cool. Just not in-rand as much as some other things. I mean, this sound is V different of course but they’re workin’ it. Okay i kind of stopped paying attention for a sec… there’s sampling… ohhh oh no it’s getting dark… hohoho no guys.. I’m excited but the anxiety is jumping out… holy smokes this is cool tho. It’s pretty. Hope that never comes, that comes to all.. Torture without end… yet from the great flames no light,,, but rather.. .DARKNESS VISIBLE. I’m gonna check if it didn’t seamlessly bleed into darkness visible…

Oh it did!! Their minds!! God, i already know i love darkness visible,, it was my pre-album listen fave on details about it alone,, we’re depressed sweeties let’s pop off… it’s so nice >:(. And just like that it ended!!!! BINCH!!! Ooh they’re like not even vocally in that one… i like that ish!! Not the “them not being in it” in that way but OOH! That was effing cool

If I Say: is still v v nice,, sounds effing expansive and beautiful with good headphones, i’m picking up all the lil details and prettiness.. The synth line after “if i say i love you, well then i love you” is sooo satisfying too. Ugh this orchestra,,, it’s building.. Truly their minds were so big on this album, huh. I’ll tell you what It doesn’t mean that i feel better! It doesn’t mean that I feel better! I’m, haha i still kinda hate this chorus but their so passionate i can’t hate it all the way,, like they love this ish and are into it & i love them so it’s allll good homies. I dig. I’ll be fake and wild out when they play it live, don’t worry. But peace you never find :( the guitar tone is crispyyyy,, the instrumentation… ugh it’s so nice. Violins can murder me or someat and I’d accept it. AND IF I SAY I LOVE YOU, THEN I LOVE YOUUUU. Ugh,, so so nice man

What’s NEXT: ooh some seamlessness in that transition.. .is this ghost of tom joad i’m hearing lol, mortal once again!! Oh this is a mood, freak.. Sigh no more marcus really jumped out on this one. This shuffling maraca thing is so nice. I’ll hold you by the jaw!! Hoo hoo bihhh. “It took a wild heart to tame mIIiine” this is so nice wtf!! Ugh this is so nice. I wouldn’t have you any other way,, awwwwwWWW!! Who want a love that makes sense anyway? I’ll effing say! Ugh this is very nice. These lyrics are so interesting… this is a good one guys, quiet & sweet but there’s some pretty cool things also going on, like it’s simple but its… this is it, ya know? This piano is sweet too. This whole thing is sweet, maybe that’s a dumb word to use but. This is so sweeeeet ugh!!! The vocal riffs on “mine” … ugh!! I kind of like the echoey vocals too.. Soft rain patter for two seconds at the end??

Reverse noises w/ a big breath from Marcus: let’s effing go w/ this album, gang!! What song is this reminding me of… whispers in the dark? He did some late-babel, early wilder mind voice thing.. Wait it’s forever isn’t it. I heard this one i think, like 3 yrs ago.. Yup, Dare I Say Forever.. I still don’t like do it for the girl” cos it’s too straightfoward, ,”i’ve known pious women” LOL where is this going. Only mumford & sons can really put that word in a song and just, keep singing. We stan tho, we stan. Think of london,,, we love. The DAAaaYS you defend will turn to gold,, this could easily be the last song on the album, this is like a last-call at the bar song,, in a good way, i’ve linked arms with my buddies & we’re all yelling this song like goons,, yes. Lighters a-waving,, are we too sentimental to not look back atnd!! WOW he realy did that with stare!! I couldnt finish typing that.. Is this part auto-tuned?? Dare I say.. Why? I’m choosing to hear it as a vocoder and many harmonies so i don’t hate that but uhaha they.. Hm they tried that i guess. Other than that the vi- oh why did the violin exit like that

The song is bouncing in my ears weird!! It’s giving me monster vibes atm. There’s a definite thread of messages goin thru this album & oof i love being sad,, the children come & go as you weep? Lol i love being sad. I am a waste?? My words are empty [as the bed we made]. Wilder mind is comin out on this, the album, huh!! The optimism on this album is-- I”LL MEET YOU OUT THE DELTAAA< WHERE THE RIVER”S RUINNING TO THE SEA,, GOD i love it. Ooh these drums, cool cool, it’s.. This is cool. Also sampling marcus’s children is sure way to eff everyone up, but that’s for another post,, ooooh i’m soft!! When it feels like nothing else matters :((((( lets go with this build!!! I wanna go for a run and have a cry.. Ooh man i took a moment there… this is so nice :( i’v missed them!!! Whats goin on with his vocals here,, the recording is like too close,, on purpose?? Hm. dust to dust!! I see you!! Marcus is truly giving his all here,, ugh I”m so proud of all of them, they put their LIVES on this, didn’t they!!! This song is such a feeling,, i can’t describe it i’m sad, but awwwW! I don’t kno wtf these kids are saying but wow that was cute as all heck!!! I”m so soft!! The album is over!! They did it!! Frick i don’t know how to feel!! Good really, but wow!!! Trying to not let my own sadness affect this review haha but !! what a nice body of work they produced!! In all the best ways, mostly!! I love them!!  I wanna have another listen!! Aw!!!! Frick guys. Frick. Can’t imagine anyone wants to slog thru this and have a read but,, anyway thanks if you did i guess, special thanks to Mumford & Sons for being my favorite band and always :( always being there when I need it. I needed this. wow. wow. Wowww!!!  Oof, haha i’m sad

Okay wait also he should’ve repeated the “I’ll meet you at the delta part” at least one more time but eff my criticism that song captures all stages of life and i truly wanna cry, so there’s that. Theses guys put it all out there & I really love them for that.

[crzcorgi]

Neighbors

Jeffrey Dean Morgan x Next Door Neighbor Reader (y/n)

1600 Words

Warnings ~ language

Tags ~ @jasoncrouse @londoncapsule

Want to be tagged, just ask me!

“So Paxton, bud, looks like it’s just you, me and the dogs celebrating this year.” He brayed, nuzzling into my side, his teeth nipping at my jeans. “No teeth man! It hurts.” I laughed, pushing at him gently and he turned, running out into the open pasture.

 Spring was in full swing on my farm, the flowers sprouting, the summer bird residents back, and the animals fucking happy to be running in the pastures again.

 Spring also meant my birthday. Another year passed, another year older. And still all alone. Don’t mistake me, I like my me time, I like living the life of a bachelor. Fucking freedom being my middle name. But sometimes, especially at night, I feel like I’m missing something, someone.

 I used to just go out with the guys on my day, dinner, drinking, taking someone home for the night. Fuck, it was great. But I was working so fucking hard now, and when I wasn’t working I was at home recuperating. The thought of a night of food, hard drinking and mindless fucking just didn’t have the same draw to it anymore.

 After a quick lunch and a few important phone calls made, I went back outside, sitting on my deck and watching the pups playing around. Suddenly they stopped, their ears pricking up. Both beginning to  bark, low and threatening.

 “Kids, enough! I don’t see a fucking thing.” I stood, walking over to the donkey pasture fence. The dogs standing by me. I looked towards the trees and saw movement, but it was so far away I could have been mistaken. But then both dogs took off, running towards the spot I was looking.

 Fuck! I was hoping it wasn’t an animal, at least not one the dogs could have a nasty tangle with. I headed that way, the phantom figure now coming into a clearer view. It was a person, that much I could tell, walking what looked like a pony. No, a donkey?! Paxton?!

 I took off, sprinting now, wondering not only how Paxton escaped. But who had a hold of him. As I got closer I saw them, a woman, she looked dressed for farm life, jeans, boots, flannel.

 “Hey! Does this little fella belong with you?” She yelled. I wondered if she would recognize me.

 “Yes, he does! Where’d you find him?” I spoke between breaths. Definitely out of shape.

 “He was checking out my garden, nothing planted yet but newly turned, guess he was making friends with the worms.” She giggled, and I fucking swooned. She was gorgeous, her y/h/l y/h/c shinning in the sunlight. She held a hand above her y/e/c (?) eyes, trying to shield them from the bright light. Her other arm draped over Paxton’s neck, her fingers scritching his ear.

 Paxton ambled over to me, a snort coming from him as he pushed at my hand. “You little fucking escape artist! I’m really sorry, he’s never done that before.” I held my hand out to her. “I’m Jeffrey, or Jeff, whichever is fine.”

 She took it, shaking it firmly. “I’m y/n, and I know who you are. I live about a half mile through those woods. Just moved here to help my father.” She smiled, bringing her other hand down from her face and letting me see just how beautiful she was.

 “You know me?” I was assuming she meant from tv, but I was curious. Scratch that, I was feeling like a fucking teenager thinking my crush might have a crush on me.

 “Yes sir, I think anyone in a 100 mile radius knows you.” A smirk appearing on her lips. “I just didn’t realize that the famous Paxton was visiting me. I might have kept him longer.” She broke into a full on smile, looking up at me from under her long eyelashes.

 I reacted not like I thought I would to her calling me sir. Whenever someone has called me that, I instantly feel old. Sir was my grandfather, my dad. I was Jeff, Jeffrey, the occasional Mr. Morgan. Not sir. But when y/n said sir, my body was not at all offended. I shifted a bit, bringing Paxton around in front of me to hid the evidence of my unexpected reaction.

 “Well, thank you so much for bringing him back, guess I better check the fence, see where exactly he escaped.” I smiled at her, thinking of a way I could stall her leaving.

 “No problem. I’m guessing it’s at the further corner as this end looked fine as I walked him through. If you want, I’ll go with you and check, I’m pretty damn fine with repairing fences.” She grinned. And I saw a way to keep her longer.

 “That would be great!” I knew how to fix a fence, but fuck if she needed to know that. “I’ll just go put this little bad ass in his barn and be right back.”

 As I took Paxton to the donkey barn, I realized I couldn't stop smiling. I  hadn’t felt this way about anyone in a long while. I wasn’t even sure exactly what I was feeling. But it was fucking nice. And I was going to explore the possibilities.

 As I walked back over towards y/n, I see that she’s  running around with Bandit. “So, Honey,” I looked down at the dog by my side. “ think she’s okay? Your brother seems to like her.” She was throwing a tennis ball and he was retrieving it.

 “Yet another of my animals that seems to like you better! He never brings the damn thing back to me, fucking ever!” I was laughing as I tried to wrestle the ball out of Bandit’s jaws.

 She giggled, a slight blush blooming on her cheeks. “Well, I love animals more than humans, and they sense that.” She frowned. “So, let’s go see where little mister escaped.”

 As we walked around the fence I couldn’t help but have this strange feeling overcome me. Wonderful, but odd. Who was this girl, and why was she causing feelings that I’m not sure I’ve ever felt before?!

 “AHA! There it is!” She took off, Bandit on her heels. “It looks like the bugger was able to knock the posts down and probably jumped, it’s not that high now.” She began moving the wooden posts around, fucking heavy logs that she lifted with no problem.

 “You’re mighty strong, those things weigh a fucking ton.” I grabbed the other end of one she was attempting to put back into place.

 “Comes from living on a farm half your life.” She snickered. “You’re going to want to nail or staple the fencing back into places. Also might want to get him a salt block to stop chewing your fences.”

 “I guess I’ll be going to the farm store later on. Thank you for rescuing my runaway boy.” I ran my hand up the back of my neck, suddenly nervous as fuck.

 “It’s really no problem.” She has crouched down, patting both dogs now, Bandit trying to push Honey away to no avail. “Hey buddy, I have enough lovins for the both of you!” She laughed, then looked back up at me. “I should head back, my pops might be wondering where my ass went off to.”

 I’ve always been a risk taker, never settling for the easy way. In my choice of careers, in my everyday life. But I never wanted to take a chance on love. It just seemed to fucking risky, dangerous. The heart’s a fragile thing. But turning 52, and no where closer to a relationship of some sort made me think. Meeting her, made me think. The feelings that were bubbling to the surface were totally new territory for me. So, I took a chance. A BIG fucking chance. So long heart, we had some good times.

 “Hey, I know this may sound odd, scratch that, this IS odd. It’s my birthday, and while I normally would be going out with some of my friends, I just am not feeling that this year.” I could feel little beads of sweat running down my face, I tried to wipe them off inconspicuously. “I know this really great Italian place that never gets mobbed, it’s quiet and has a nice atmosphere. I was wondering…”

 She never let me finish. “I would love to.” She smiled shyly, standing up right in front of me. “I kinda need to go home and shower, change.” She looked down at herself, Bandit still trying to get her attention, nuzzling at her hand that was hanging by her side, making her laugh.

 I wanted to tell her not to change, she took my breath away just the way she was, all flannel, denim and dirt. A farm girl, but fucking sexy as shit. But I wouldn’t say anything, i was already way too out of this old man’s comfort zone.

 “Okay, well it’s still pretty early, how about I pick you up at 8, is that okay?” I was stepping foot to foot, my fucking nerves getting the better of me.

 “That’s perfect! I can make sure my pops eats and it gives me time to chill.” She was now leaning down to pat both of my little brats. “Bandit and Honey are such well-behaved babies, wish my little buggers were.” She snickered.

 “Yeah, they have their moments. Bandit’s come a long way from his beginnings.”

 “Sometimes the ones that had the worst beginnings become the best. He knows what he’s got with you here, and he’s grateful, right baby?” She leaned down, kissing his snout.

 She loves animals, she’s fucking sexy as hell, and she seems to like me. Well, Happy Fucking Birthday to me.

[nikkigrand]

Sakutaro

Summary: When Haruno Sakutaro said that he'd date the hell out of himself, he wasn't being literal.

But they say that man makes plans and God laughs, and ain't that the truth?

Somehow finding himself in an alternate dimension where he's a girl, Sakutaro finds himself venturing into unknown, salaciously ridiculous territory...for science.

Word Count: 10k

A/N: Posting this here because male Sakura x female Sakura is trending! Warning, this is kinda kinky...

Kill me, I’m hungover.

Sakutaro groaned as he rolled over in the soft, dewy grass as the early morning sun warmed the lightly freckled skin of his bare shoulders. Burying his nose into what he recognized as a cluster of mint leaves, he inhaled deeply and found himself holding it against a giant wave of nausea.

A few seconds and a soothing pass of healing chakra later, Sakutaro felt sober enough to prop himself on his forearms and lift his head to search for his best friend through squinted, bloodshot beryl eyes. Except, he didn’t see any silky tuffs of platinum blonde anywhere in the expansive training grounds.

Rolling his eyes, Sakutaro stood with a huff and raked his hand through his messy jaw length hair before plucking a few mint leaves from the ground to chew on as he walked. It was so like Inomatsu to leave him for dead after a night of irresponsible drinking. The boar probably saw him sprawled out in some obscene undignified position and decided he’d just leave him there because, wouldn’t it be so funny if Sasuka tripped over him?

Sakutaro begged to differ, it would be the worst day of his life if the woman he’d been pining after for over a decade had come upon him while he was unconscious. Inomatsu would definitely get a kick out of it, but he’d been trying to impress the raven-haired beauty since he met her nearly fifteen years ago, and he would be mortified if he gave her any more reason to look down at him.

In fact, Sakutaro was sure Sasuka still thought he ate worms—never mind the fact that they were in their early twenties—and that was even after he slapped the shit out of that crazy rabbit god during the war. For some reason, no matter what he did, his teammate just wouldn’t notice him.

And wasn’t that just unfair? He had Naruko and Li practically falling over themselves for a date with him, and Sakutaro knew he was charming, so why wouldn’t the damn girl just see him and give him a chance? He wasn’t ugly (something a lot of women in the village would attest for) and he wasn’t stupid, he was one of the most intelligent men in the village. So what was he missing?

Sakutaro had come a long way from the sniveling, awkward mess of a boy he’d been when Team 7 first formed. He even stopped declaring his feelings for Sasuka—the whole lot of good that did him—and left her alone for a while. But he found, much to his chagrin, that it was hard to abandon such strong feelings for someone and he approached the situation with a lot more tact.

Sakutaro’s booted feet took him down the familiar dirt paths and roadways of his home village, the hitai-ite across his forehead marking him as one of her ninja, and was heedless to the villagers’ curious stares as he took thoughtful strides in the direction of the hospital. Too distracted by depressing thoughts to notice the lingering stares, Sakutaro shoved his hands in his pockets with a pout.

He’d once gone to Sasuka’s older sister for advice, and was too nervous to even articulate his dilemma, much less confess his feelings for her younger sister. Where Sasuka’s beauty was sharp and piercing, Itamina’s was soft and breathtaking. But where her face was soft, her eyes were hard and Sakutaro found it difficult to speak under such an unwavering stare.

He’d developed a bit of a crush on her that day, but he was nothing if not loyal. Sasuka held his heart, and the worst part was that she knew it.

God, how depressing can I be, Sakutaro sighed as his nimble fingers slipped his apartment’s key from his pocket. He could almost hear Inomatsu’s voice teasing him for getting so hung up over a girl, that shameless flirt. The pink haired man was comfortable in his sexuality (he’d have to be in order to withstand the mean-spirited teasing that came from having rosette locks) to admit that his blonde best friend was a handsome man. What was the word Saiyu had called him? Ah, yes, gorgeous.

Inomatsu was a gorgeous man and used it to his advantage, something that Sakutaro would loathe to say to the man’s face. He had a big enough ego as it was, with his stupid, long and silky cornflower hair that drew attention wherever he went. It was bad enough that Inomatsu didn’t seem to own any full length shirts, imagine what he’d be like if his tried and true rival admitted that he was the better looking one out of the two of them.

The man would walk the village naked, Sakutaro was sure of it.

As if he needed more female attention, anyway. Sakutaro scoffed as he climbed the few steps to his door on the fourth floor. Inomatsu had women trailing after him like lovesick puppies, and Sakutaro used to be slightly bitter that he didn’t have that type of swagger to make women jump into bed with him with only just a smooth word or two and a smile.

But, after a few one night stands and casual flings, he found that no one quite did it for him like Sasuka. No other woman was as fiery, as ruthlessly intelligent and efficient like her. They didn’t have her flame, her beauty, her will of fire.

Naruko was too loud—too brash and obnoxious with her orange clothing and blonde pigtails. She was also his best friend, and almost like a sister to him—which made things extremely awkward on his part when he hit puberty. And although she was strong and pretty, Sakutaro could never see himself falling for her—besides, Hinazo was in love with the girl. What kind of man would he be if he pursued the love of his friend’s life?

The asshole kind, that’s what.

The other women in Konoha’s Rookie 11 weren’t his type, either.

Chouko would never love him as much as she loved food. To Tenshi’s grief, Nemi was too serious and proud to consider dating outside the Hyuuga clan. Li had a good heart and was a kind girl, but she was too eccentric and youthful for his tastes. Shika was a genius and came from a good clan, but she was lazy and unmotivated. Kiwa was too wild and untamed, as were those from the Inuzuka, and Sakutaro wasn’t sure he’d survive that relationship. Shizu had an entire hive living under her skin—in no life would he be comfortable with that—and she was too withdrawn.

Therefore, the only other woman he’d see himself falling for is if he were a woman. Which, in all sense, would be impossible.

“If only.” Sakutaro grumbled to himself as he unlocked the door to his apartment, pushing the door wide with his foot as his hands worked to unbuckle the clasps to his medic and weapons belts.

But when his foot nudged the door closed with a slam, it was by the grace of his war honed reflexes that he caught the sharp kunai aimed for his head. Pivoting on the ball of his feet to face his attacker and wielding the enemy’s kunai, Sakutaro hadn’t dropped the blade only because his senses were confused—and maybe he was still slightly drunk.

“Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my apartment?!”

Narrowing his emerald eyes at the petite woman before him, Sakutaro determined that he was not in the mood for any of Naruko’s pranks today. His pounding headache was starting to come back and he needed water.

Making his way towards his kitchen, Sakutaro was determined to ignore his pesky teammate until she got the hint and left. Except she’d do no such thing and stepped in his line of sight, right fist glowing and kunai bared in the other.

“I said,” she spat, “who are you, and what are you doing in my home?”

Swiping an impatient hand through his short hair, Sakutaro sighed, “Naruko, I’m not in the mood. Go home.”

“Naruko?!” The girl hissed, “Listen here, mister, I don’t think you know where you are and who you’re talking to—“

“Except I do know where I am and who I’m talking to, Naruko.” He stepped towards her, his patience worn extremely thin, “I’ve told you once and I’ll tell you again, that Oiroke jutsu of yours is inappropriate and I don’t want you using my image.

So, please, stop.”

Because, honestly, how creepy was it of Naruko to pay such close attention to him that she’d managed to catch even the most minute of details in his face to perfect her jutsu. Sakutaro was close enough that he could see the light freckles dusting the bridge of her nose in a way that mirrored his own. He couldn’t remember a time when he’d ever let her get close enough to see the flecks of blue in his irises and the thin blonde lashes he’d gotten from his father tangled with the customary pink.

The woman in front of him was an exact replica of himself—that was if he had breasts and other lady bits, and when did he ever have such long hair? As in, it was Sakutaro as a woman. Courtesy of Uzumaki Naruko.

“Naruto,” the girl growled, “This isn’t funny. I don’t know how you managed to copy my chakra signature, and I’m not going to even dwell on how accurate the little things are, but I’m letting you know right now—I am not amused. So cut it out!”

“Naruko,” Sakutaro barked, already having had enough of her games, “I’m not stupid, Naruto is the name of your male henge, so drop the—“

Wait, did she just say they had the same chakra signature? Naruko was smart, but not that smart, and chakra mimicry was a forbidden technique. His chakra instantly reached out to probe the other pink haired woman’s.

Normally, probing and outreaching with one’s chakra for another always had some type of feedback. It was why chakra control was of such paramount importance as a medic, a stranger’s chakra was always fighting against you. No two chakra signatures were as compatible to blend seamlessly, the only way that could ever happen is if someone’s chakra interacted with itself. And yet, that is what Sakutaro’s chakra did; it blended with this woman’s chakra effortlessly, almost as if her own signature was an extension of himself, and he stumbled back in shock just as she reared back as if slapped.

“What the fuck was that?!”

Their voices rang out in the apartment, both shinobi baring kunai at each other and eyes tracking each small ruffle of clothing and tensing of muscle.

“Who the hell are you?” The girl cried, her voice rising in pitch to match her growing anxiety.

“Who the hell are you?!” Sakutaro pushed back, his own voice deepening in response to the threat.

“This is my apartment and I asked you first!”

“Like hell! You’re all fucked up, lady, all fucked up! This is my apartment!”

“Excuse me?!” She screeched, green eyes the exact shade of his own blazing furiously, “You’re the one who’s delusional enough to make yourself look like me and then come barging into my home like—like you don’t know who the fuck I am!”

“I’m delusional?!” Now wasn’t that rich, “I have no idea who the hell you are, actually, so drop the stupid henge and release that jutsu you’re using to copy my chakra before I drag your ass to the Hokage!”

By the time Sakutaro was finished shouting at the girl, he had a split second to block her punch with his forearms (accompanied by a screech of fury, mind you) before it met his face. And wasn’t that a mistake?

The instant her fist met his arms, a precise output of chakra had him crashing through a hole where the window—his window, his!—used to be and he bit back a scream as the bones in his arms shattered.

Who the hell has strength like that?! It was—it was monstrous!

He skidded through the streets in front of the hospital (because wouldn’t it be so convenient if he’d found an apartment by where he spent every waking moment?), narrowly avoiding screaming civilians, and quickly jumped to his feet.

Sakutaro hurriedly directed his medical chakra towards the bones in his arms, wincing as each bone realigned and mended itself. He watched warily as his pink headed counterpart jumped from the hole where his window used to be and made her way towards him—his eyes narrowing at each crater following her footsteps.

Best avoid her limbs then; but no matter, Sakutaro had something even greater than monstrous strength—precise chakra control. All it’d take is a brush of his fingers and she’d be incapacitated long enough to drag her to the Hokage’s office and then T&I.

Adjusting his leather gloves, Sakutaro widened his stance in anticipation for a destructive fight when she came to a stop in front of him—ignoring the growing crowd of shinobi and civilians.

“I’m going to ask you again,” the woman started, cheeks flushed and voice hard as steel, “Who—“

“Sakura-chan!”

Both heads turned towards the loud voice bellowing from above. Sakutaro instantly recognized it as the gravelly baritones belonging to Naruko’s Naruto-henge and if his shoulders tensed anymore he’s sure he’d pull a muscle. Because if Naruko was there, then who was in front of him?!

He wanted to accuse Inomatsu of learning Naruko’s perverted jutsu and playing such a ridiculous prank on him, but Inomatsu didn’t have the chakra control to demonstrate such strength. In fact, in terms of brute strength, Chouka was the strongest in all the village—due to her clan jutsu, of course.

“What’s going on?” Naruko jumped next to his counterpart, and Sakutaro felt slightly betrayed. Naruko was his teammate, so what was she doing?

His confusion and hurt must have shown on his face because familiar eyes the color of the bluest skies settled on his face, already narrowing into slits before her lips curled in a sly grin—giving Sakutaro the distinct impression of a fox.

“Sakura-chan~,” Naruko sang, the deepness of her voice making Sakutaro’s skin crawl, “I knew you were kinky…using my kage bunshin for such purposes, how scandalous.”

“Shut up, idiot!” The one Naruko called Sakura screeched, the chakra emitting from her fists glowing brighter with her ire, “That’s not me!”

Instantly, playful blue eyes hardened into ice as they settled on Sakutaro’s taller frame.

“Oh?”

“How interesting.”

Sakutaro froze at the deep murmur that came from beside him, all too aware of the sharp tip of a kunai pressed threateningly to the nape of his neck. His eyes shifted to the left to see who had spoken and it was only etiquette that kept him from going slack jawed.

They even had Keiko-sensei going along with this stupid game? Team 7’s perpetually late Genin instructor with the sharp undercut and shuriken patterned scarf was now a man with wild, silver hair and a mask—of all things!

But Keiko-sensei wasn’t the one holding a kunai to sever his spinal cord, and Sakutaro would recognize the chakra signature crackling against his skin if he were deaf, dumb, and blind. It was Sasuka who was standing so coolly behind him, and he was absolutely appalled that they’d somehow managed to coerce someone as proud as Sasuka into this humiliating joke.

“Girls,” Sakutaro’s voice warbled dangerously, a cue to all who knew him to evacuate the premises lest they lose control of their limbs, “This game has gone on for long enough.”

Except Sakutaro was ignored as Keiko-sensei directed her attention to his evil twin, and the sting of betrayal was not pleasant.

“Sakura, who is this?” His sensei’s once smooth, pleasant voice was now as deep as Sakutaro’s own and he shuddered. It was so wrong.

“I don’t know, Kakashi-sensei!” Sakura cried, and Keiko-sensei called herself Kakashi?! What kind of name was that?! “He just walked into my apartment like he owned it and told me to get out!”

Sakutaro tensed as Sasuka’s kunai pressed deeper against his skin, feeling the sharp tip break skin and the sting that came from it—and betrayal. Traitors!

“How did you get into Sakura’s apartment?” Sasuka asked, and there was no way in hell Sakutaro could have suppressed the cringe that came from hearing his crush’s sweet voice be so masculine. She sounded like her father, Mikotsu-sama—if Mikotsu-sama had a stick up his ass.

But wait…

“Sakura’s apartment?!” Sakutaro exclaimed, incredulous, “That’s my apartment! I live there! I’ve lived there for the past six years!”

“Bullshit!” Sakura stepped towards him, hands on her hips and less defensive now that she had backup, “I’ve lived there for the last six years!”

By that point, Sakutaro had already had enough. There were too many oddities, too many inconsistencies with their behavior to be his teammates, so he pulled his hands into a seal and sent a pulse of chakra to unravel any genjutsu that could be causing this—this mockery of his team’s behavior.

When nothing happened, Sakutaro did it again and noticed that the other three were watching him cautiously to see what he was trying to do. Not that they didn’t know! They were the ones who had laid such an elaborate genjutsu that even he as a genjutsu perfectionist couldn’t dispel!

“This is no genjutsu.” Sasuka’s cool voice filtered through his brain until the only thing Sakutaro could reply to that was,

“Well, shit.”

How eloquent.

“Will you tell us your name?” It wasn’t a question, and Sakutaro knew as much.

Sea glass eyes finding his counterpart’s with a frown and furrowed brow, his fists clenched at his sides, “My name is Haruno Sakutaro. And you are?”

“Liar!” Sakura took another step towards him, eyes blazing so familiarly it made something in his gut clench, “I am the only Haruno with pink hair!”

The knot in his gut unfurled with his fury at the absurdity of her statement. “Bullshit! I am the only Haruno with pink hair!”

In fact, the color of his hair was because of some freaky recessive gene from his clan’s roots in Whirlpool (another reason why he’d never date Naruko, they could be related!) and he had been bullied all throughout his childhood for looking like a girl. They had even called him—

“Sakura.”

The rosette’s jaw shut audibly at his voice and she glared at him, daring him to refute her claim as a Haruno as if he were blind enough to do so.

“Your name is Sakura,” Sakutaro sighed as he dragged a hand down his face, “And I am Sakutaro.”

She stared at him as if imploring him to get to the point. If things were as his heart were telling him, then he’d be correct in assuming her patience was close to extinction.

“We are either family, or cut from the same cloth.” Sakutaro drawled, tired from the night before and tired from the joke his life had become.

His only consolation was if Sakura were as smart as he was, then she’d surely figure out what he meant, and judging by the twist of her lips and the furrow of her brow she’d understood him.

“I guess a trip to the Hokage is in order, then?” Keiko-sensei—no, Kakashi—hummed, already breezing past them in the direction of the Hokage’s tower and Sakutaro nearly groaned as he was forced to follow behind him—flanked on either side by the other three as if he were a prisoner.

He was still hungover, for Hokages’ sake! He just wanted an aspirin and some water, maybe a granola bar or two. Was that too much to ask?

Somewhere out there, wherever he was, Inomatsu was cackling away at his expense. He had a feeling this—whatever this was—had something to do with him. The man was always dabbling in fuinjutsu in conjunction with his clan’s Mind Transfer techniques. Sakutaro rued the day Inomatsu declared he had a crush on Naruko and decided the best way to pursue her was to have her tutor him in fuinjutsu.

Luckily for Sakutaro, Inomatsu quickly figured out that Naruko was even more of a loudmouth blonde than he was (“…and who even lets her out of the house in that crime of an outfit anyway?! Sakutaro! You’re not her friend. You don’t love her! How dare you?!”), among other things, and the conquest ended quickly. Unluckily for Sakutaro, Inomatsu continued to meet Naruko for fuijutsu lessons and he’d decided that his best friend Sakutaro would be his guinea pig.

As if Sakutaro wanted to have conditioner and hair pomade sealed into his skin…

He did, however, convince Inomatsu to develop a seal for storing herbs and plants on his body while also preserving their potency. The seal was still at its infancy, and if he remembered correctly, the platinum blonde had been working on it before they’d gone drinking.

Honestly, it was all a bit fuzzy. But all Sakutaro had to do was check his forearms to see if the seals were still etched onto his skin. It was too bad he wore compression sleeves up to his biceps, though.

Nonetheless, there was a link between Inomatsu’s drafted fuinjutsu, their unholy consumption of booze, and Sakutaro’s current predicament.

And, if he was right, Sakutaro was going to take such joy in shaving Inomatsu’s head.

The walk to the Hokage tower was as short as he remembered it always being, having been apprenticed by the Hokage himself, and the pink haired man wasn’t surprised that all of the receptionists he remembered as men were now women.

He was quickly adapting to his situation, he knew, or maybe he was just in shock? Either way, Sakutaro should have been surprised—he really should have—but he was not the least bit derailed when they just waltzed into the Hokage’s office and instead of seeing Tsubasa-shishou sitting behind the grand mahogany desk, he found his female counterpart.

“Tsunade-shishou.” Oh, and would you look at that, Sakura was also apprenticed to her Hokage, of course, “We have a problem.”

Standing in front of the generously endowed woman whose eyes were as eerily stern as his shishou’s, Sakutaro couldn’t help but be cowed. If this was his powerful and scary sensei’s counterpart, he had every reason to defer to her.

Tsunade’s eyes travelled from the tips of his booted feet to the top of his distinctive crown of pink hair, and he swallowed when a mischievous grin curled her painted lips.

“My, oh my, Sakura,” The Hokage crooned, “I didn’t know you were so resourceful. Kage bunshin?”

“Shishou!” Sakura cried as she flushed deeply while Sakutaro blanched. Just what the hell kind of sexual deviant was she?! And were those sake cups on the Hokage’s desk?!

“It’s not like that!” Sakura whined, her hand combing through her messy bangs, clearly frazzled, “This is very serious!”

“Oh?” Tsunade rose an eyebrow at that, “How serious?”

“Baa-chan!” Naruko—ugh, Naruto—shouted, “This guy here,” and he poked him to make a point, “says he lives at Sakura-chan’s place! But we’d know because she’s our teammate and since when does Sakura-chan bring guys home, anyway?”

Raising an eyebrow at that, Sakutaro directed his flat stare to the petite female looking like she wanted to hide under the Hokage’s desk and come out only when humanity keeled over for good.

“Oh my god, Naruto, will you shut up?!”

Smiling sheepishly at his teammates venomous hiss, Naruto tried a different approach, “Baa-chan! This is as serious as that time we thought Sasuke couldn’t have Uchiha brats!”

And Sakutaro could have sworn the temperature dropped several degrees when another, even more venomous, hiss sounded from beside him.

“Dobe, shut the fuck up.”

“Hey! Don’t tell me to shut the fuck up! You shut the fuck up! It was a serious concern for the village!”

“It’s not your business!”

“The hell it ain’t! Who knows what that snake bastard did to you while you were away! You sure as hell won’t tell us!”

“Because it’s none of your—“

“Enough!”

Sakutaro would neither confirm or deny that he jumped at the booming sound of the Hokage’s voice, but wow Tsubasa-shishou would be proud. The woman commandeered attention as well as he did.

“You!” Sakutaro immediately directed his attention to the Hokage at her bark, “You tell me what is going on!”

Clearing his throat to stall for time and hands twitching at his side, Sakutaro struggled to come up with an explanation without sounding like an irresponsible idiot. How does one explain to a foreign kage—who’s supposed to be his village’s kage—that he and his best friend had been tampering with fuinjutsu before getting hammered? And then forgot all about said fuinjutsu?

It was quickly becoming apparent that no matter how he said, phrased, or fenagled it, Sakutaro was going to sound like a fucking moron.

Swallowing his dread, Sakutaro decided that if Tsunade was essentially Tsubasa, then she could probably smell his fear and he might as well get it over with.

“Well, Hokage-sama,” he started, voice rough but even, and thank the world for small miracles, “I’m not entirely sure what exactly is going on.”

“Well, then start from the beginning.”

Knowing an order when he heard one, Sakutaro slipped into every ninja’s mission debrief mindset.

“My friend, Inomatsu, and I were experimenting with fuijutsu,” the ninja in the room tensed and Sakutaro hurriedly continued before they pounced, “nothing too dangerous or serious. Inomatsu is a novice in the field, even if he is a brilliant learner, and he theorized that sealing fuinjutsu transported items to empty dimensions for storage purposes. By drawing seals onto the skin, we’d be able to direct chakra to it without using blood as a conduit, and Inomatsu decided he wanted me to give it a try.”

“Why you?” Sakura asked, gears churning in her head as everyone listened intently.

“Because I have absolute perfect chakra control.” And Sakutaro couldn’t help but be smug every time he said that because he was the only shinobi in all the Five Shinobi Nations to have such absolute control of his chakra.

Except Sakura didn’t seem so impressed and rolled her eyes, “Oh, big whoop, I do too.”

Bristling a little at her shut down, Sakutaro ignored her and resumed his debrief, “It worked, but only for small items. Inomatsu was disappointed, but he’d decided that the seal working was reason enough to celebrate—so we did. My friend is a very demanding man, so I didn’t have time to properly remove the seals before we left.”

“So, let me guess,” Tsunade mused dryly, “You and your friend, Inomatsu, then got completely wasted and don’t remember a lick of what happened after that.”

Bowing his head sheepishly, Sakutaro scratched the back of his neck nervously, “That is correct, Hokage-sama.”

Shaking her head at what must be his stupidity, the Hokage waved her hand lazily and he continued his story.

“At some point during the night, I assume Inomatsu tried to modify the seal and—we were both drunk, I don’t know why I agreed. And I must have tried to use it, I don’t see why else I’d be here…” Sakutaro trailed off, coughing awkwardly to stave his embarrassed flush.

“The next thing I know, I’m waking up on Training Ground 3. I don’t know how I got there, I figured that Inomatsu and I had passed out there since it’s where my team and I spend most of our time. But I couldn’t see him when I woke up, so I went home, and I found, um, Sakura there and she then proceeded to shatter my forearms.”

There was a slight silence after his report where Tsunade stared at him like he was an idiot, and Sakura and Naruto stared at him like he was an idiot, and Sakutaro wouldn’t dare look at Sasuka’s—Sasuke’s—face.

And who even knew what Kakashi thought behind that ridiculous mask?! It wasn’t like he didn’t know what was behind it anyway! What was so shameful behind a mole?

After everyone reached a consensus that Sakutaro was an idiot, Kakashi was the first to speak.

“Luckily for you, Naruto here is our resident seal master. May we look at them?” How nice of them to poise it as if he had a choice. His voice was muffled behind his book, appearing to be uncaring and distracted, but Sakutaro would be a fool not to know that the man was always poised to strike. He knew Keiko-sensei was.

Shrugging, he slipped off his gloves and started pulling up the tight sleeves to expose his forearms as they huddled around him. “Sure.”

The more his seals were revealed, the more Sakutaro wanted to roll his sleeves down. Inomatsu had modified the seals all right…with smiley faces and squiggles and was that a penis?

Naruto’s howl of laughter confirmed that yes, that was indeed a phallus drawn in permanent ink on his forearm; and as Tsunade-sama handed him a cup of sake, Sakutaro vowed to shave Inomatsu’s head and eyebrows.

The rice wine burned as it went down his throat and he tried his hardest to ignore the veiny depiction of the male anatomy taking residence on his corded forearms. Sakura looked at him with sympathy as Naruto grasped his arms with surprisingly gentle hands, bringing his crown of blonde closer to get a better look.  Sakutaro took small comfort that even in this, wherever he was, he was still taller than the Uzumaki—even if it was now only by a few inches.

Naruto’s spiky hair brushed against the tip of his nose, bringing with it the peculiar scent of ramen and wind. Wrinkling his nose, Sakutaro decided that it wasn’t entirely unpleasant and not unlike Naruko’s normal scent, but she at least wore a bit of that expensive perfume Hinazo had gifted her. Naruto probably didn’t even do his laundry…

“Well, Sakutaro-baka,” Naruto cheerfully started, his head still downturned and therefore blissfully unaware of the scathing glare the pink haired man directed at his head, “This is so weird, but also so funny.”

Sakutaro didn’t think it was funny at all! How was any of this even remotely funny?

Naruto pointed towards a squiggle that served as a smiley face’s eye, “With this right here,” then he pointed to a squiggle that served as a shamefully thick vein in Inomatsu’s art, “and this,” his calloused fingertip slid down his pale forearm to stop on a sharp line that may or may not have been the beginnings of an obscene character, “and this, you and your friend have yourselves a space time ninjutsu conduit. Apply a little bit of chakra and bam! You’ve got yourself a case of interdimensional travel.”

Sakutaro could only stare at the blonde blankly because they did what?!

“Are you familiar with space time ninjutsu?” Sasuke asked from beside him, bi-colored stare trained unnervingly on his own bewildered orbs.

“Vaguely.” Sakutaro replied slowly, still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that he and Inomatsu had managed to bullshit their way to another dimension. “Kagumo, the rabbit god, used it often during the Fourth War.”

“Kagumo?” Sakura repeated sharply, drawing his attention to her, “Was that the male version of Kaguya?”

Sakutaro nodded, “Aa. He was very difficult to defeat. We were lucky that my team and Itamina-san were there to seal him away.”

He couldn’t help the sadness that churned in his chest at remembering the war and he averted his gaze, swallowing the lump in his throat. “We lost many souls on that battlefield. It was a bloody war.”

Jerking in surprise at the feel of small hands brushing against his own, Sakutaro caught the haunted look in Sakura’s eyes as she withdrew her hands.

“Ours too.”

It was then, at that moment, that Sakutaro knew that he and Sakura were one in the same. A medic might understand his pain—his grief at the cumulative loss of life—but only he could understand the hollow feeling of failure. Of not being fast, good, strong enough to be everywhere at once like Naruko—and by extension, Naruto—could be.

Losing so many Allied shinobi was a crippling blow not only for the shinobi forces, but for morale. The medics were too tired, too hungry, too chakra deprived to heal the shinobi who’d been gutted but who would have lived if only they’d had enough chakra.

Sakutaro had retrieved too many bodies from the battlefield whose souls could have been saved if only they’d had enough medics with enough combat experience and chakra to send to the front lines. As one of the only medics with combative training, Sakutaro was not—under any circumstances—allowed to expend all of his chakra on healing. In the case of an attack on the Medic Corp’s established base, he and a few others would be their front line of defense. He’d stood idly while shinobi he could have saved perished because of his commander’s orders, and he’d never be able to forgive himself.

Sakutaro had devoted years of his life to medical ninjutsu, to learning such intimate details of the human body and how to stitch, mend, and fight death by sheer force of will to get to where he was. He’d spent grueling hours perfecting his task, buried under heaps of medical scrolls and devouring tomes, breaking and rebreaking, mending and mending and mending his bones and hurts in an endless cycle in pursuit of nothing short of excellence. What good was he if he couldn’t even save one dying person? Or ten? Or hundreds? Gods knew he had the skills, but not the chakra.

And something viscous and angry had crawled up his throat to fill that hollow feeling of failure in his chest for one, awful moment when Naruko’s chakra had consumed the entire battlefield to regenerate lost limbs and punctured organs. Naruko, who had never had any type of formal training and didn’t know the difference between the fibula and the ulna, could regrow legs and arms with just a wave of her hand from hundreds of feet away. She, in a few minutes, had done what he and his medics and tried to do for the last year, and wasn’t that just fucking unfair?

The war took something from him—from all of them, and all the shinobi killing and dying on the battlefield for peace or love, or for war, they would always be him. Sometimes, Sakutaro would look to the horizon in the direction of that horribly scarred and empty battlefield that would never heal just to close his eyes and look away.

They were still out there.

And with a fleeting gesture and a moment of soul bearing eye contact, Sakutaro knew that Sakura understood him probably deeper than he understood himself.

“Wait,” Naruto dropped Sakutaro’s hand, stepping away to scratch at his head, “You were in the war? With us?”

Sakutaro’s lips twitched at Tsunade-sama’s muffled “Idiot,” and shook his head.

“While I was in a war, I was not in your war, Naruto-san.” He explained patiently, not entirely unlike the way he’d go about teaching aspiring medical ninja, “As your teammates have already figured out, I’m from a different dimension. One where you and everyone here exist…differently.”

Naruto stared at him like he’d said something exceptionally stupid, which was saying something because it was Naruto, who—like Naruko—was not the brightest bulb in the bunch. They were brilliant in other ways, but some things just weren’t their forte.

“You expect me,” Naruto drawled slowly and with flourish, “Konoha’s resident fuinjutsu expert, to believe that you and some other moron created a dimensional portal with some squiggly lines, a smiley face, and a drawing of a dick next to a storage seal?!”

Naruto dissolved into howling laughter, tears streaming down his whiskered cheeks, “As if!!”

“You were the one that said it was a space time ninjutsu conduit, asshole.” Sakutaro grit his teeth as Naruto’s laughter rose in volume. Fortunately for Sakutaro, no one else found it quite as funny.

“Okay, okay,” Naruto wheezed in between heaping bouts of ugly laughs, “One: I’m not the asshole, you’re the asshole! And two: I was only speaking hypothetically. As in, if you didn’t have all this other shit around it, then that’s what it’d be! But since you got a wiener on your arm, it’s literally impossible for it to work!”

“And yet here I am.” Sakutaro told Naruto, voice contemptuous and wry, almost as if he wanted to spread his arms like a bird and bow for his graceless audience.

Sobering up, Naruto placed a fist on his hip and scratched his chin with the other, eyes squinting and head tilting as he observed the taller man’s face.

Never was there a day when Sakutaro was happier to note that in Naruko’s extensive list of facial expressions, Naruto’s current face was not one of them.

“So,” Naruto pursed his lips, “Hypothetically speaking, if you were from a dimension where things were different, who would you be here?”

“Dobe…” Sasuke very nearly groaned at his blonde teammate’s idiocy. Sakutaro could relate; was Naruto not able to read chakra signatures?

“Shut up, Sasuke-teme!” Naruto spat, “This is a legitimate question!”

“He’d be me, Naruto.” Sakura growled from where she stood next to the Hokage’s desk, fingers rubbing her temples in circular motions, “I am him, and he is me. We are the same person—just from different dimensions.”

Naruto’s mouth dropped open silently, before he shut it with an audible click to stare at Sakutaro suspiciously. “I don’t believe you. You can’t be Sakura. Prove it.”

Blinking slowly at his demands, Sakutaro turned his head expectantly at his female self. It seemed she was at a loss for words, as well. There weren’t many ways to prove a person’s identity. There were the obvious two: DNA analysis and chakra signature identification. But those methods took days, and Naruto looked like he wanted an answer now.

Fortunately, Tsunade was there to save the day.

“And how do you suppose they prove it, brat?” The busty blonde sighed as she leaned an elbow on her desk with her cheek resting against her fist.

Naruto sputtered for a response, clearly not having thought that far, before settling on whatever his mind must have first latched onto, “What’s something only Sakura-chan would know?!”

“Naruto,” Sakura intoned, exasperated beyond all belief, “He wouldn’t know anything about me because he’s not me! He is the guy version of me! It doesn’t mean we have the same mind!”

“Well then, I don’t know!” Naruto huffed, crossing his arms over his chest, “But he’s not Sakura-chan unless he proves it.”

Having apparently had enough of the tomfoolery (something Sakutaro had quickly grown tired of himself), Tsunade stood and pointed a perfectly manicured finger at her female apprentice.

“Sakura,” Tsunade said, voice sharp as a whip, “You have two birth marks, correct?”

Sakura squeaked, and then blushed deeply, “Yes, shishou.”

“Wonderful.” Clapping her hands, Tsunade gestured towards the storage closet by the book case where Tsubasa-shishou kept his cleaning supplies. “Go in there and confirm that yours and Sakutaro’s match.”

Excuse you, lady?! She wanted him to what?! No!

From an outside perspective, all shinobi in the room watched intently as an identical shade of rose flushed up the two pink haired people in the room up to the roots of their hair. The female of the two fanning herself and the male shaking his head resolutely.

“No, absolutely not.” Sakutaro replied, completely adverse to the idea as Sakura also shook her head.

Tsunade’s eyes narrowed, “You think you have choice? Get in there before I make you do it in front of these three!”

Sakura squeaked and made a beeline towards the closet, Sakutaro dragging his feet behind him as he followed. Inomatsu must definitely be cackling behind some stupid book on poisons by now. It’s just his luck, just his luck, that he’d have to show his embarrassing birth mark to someone—both in such intimate places, too!

As Sakura opened the door to the storage closet, pulling the chain to the light bulb as she went, Sakutaro’s breath picked up as he nervously shuffled in behind her as he shut the door. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been with a woman before, or been naked around one. And he’d seen plenty of female bodies as a medic, this was no different.

Plus, Sakura was himself. He was Sakura. There was nothing weird about getting naked in front of yourself, right? It’d be like looking in the mirror…if his reflection had breasts and lady bits. God, he was twenty-two and could barely stomach the word vagina in reference to himself!

He was doomed. He was so nervous. Why was he so nervous? His palms were clammy and he wished he’d put his gloves back on, no one likes clammy palms. But it didn’t matter! It wasn’t he was going to touch her—himself?—anyway, so it didn’t matter!

His wide eyes scanned the closet for something to focus on. Was it small in there, or was it just him?

“Okay,” Sakura sighed, twirling a muted lock of pink around her finger and looking everywhere but at him, “Let’s go at this like medics, okay?”

He didn’t trust himself to speak, so Sakutaro nodded.

“Okay.” Sakura nodded to herself, and he admired the smooth collectiveness of her voice, “You’re a medic, I’m a medic. This is just another physical, nothing to be nervous about.”

Her eyes were identical to his own when they sought them, and he bit back a huff of surprise at her proximity because he could see the blue in her eyes even in the dimness of the supply closet. So, yeah, the closet was definitely smaller with two people in it.

“Besides,” she said shyly with a tremulous smile, “You’re me and I’m you, right? We-we shouldn’t be nervous! So, let’s just get this over with, hm?”

Sakutaro nodded in acquiesce, eased by her gentle bedside manner, but the trembling in Sakura’s hand as she reached for the zipper of her vest belied her nerves. Dissociating himself from the situation, he forced himself to look at her as other patient—something that was admittedly not hard to do—but as the tug on her zipper revealed inches of smooth skin, a lock of long rosette hair fell forward to brush against the curve of her breast and his concentration was shot.

Sakutaro was so embarrassed he wanted to cry. He, the great Sakutaro—hero of the Fourth Great War, one third of the second coming of the legendary three, wrecked by the appearance of his female counterpart. He couldn’t even dissociate! The situation was too weird! What medic couldn’t dissociate themselves?!

But it was his medical and scientific curiosity that spurred him to drink in the sight of her exposed flesh, light freckles and tiny moles placed identically on his own body (freckles only on his shoulders from being in the sun, one tiny mole under his collarbone, two others by his ribcage and his elbow.) His eyes clinically swept up the elegant curve of her neck, taking in her full lips, the straight slope of her small nose, her large eyes staring at him demurely, all set in a pretty heart shaped face.

Sakura was beautiful.

And wow wasn’t that a fucking weird thought? It was so weird, soso weird! But, Sakutaro fancied himself a handsome man, so it’d only be logical that he’d find his female counterpart beautiful, right? He was Sakura, Sakura was Sakutaro.

It was then that he noticed that she was looking up at him expectantly, and she was just so small! He was well over a head taller than her! He’d always thought, in some depraved part of his brain, that if he were ever a woman, he’d be as tall as he is now.

Well, apparently not.

“Y-Y’know,” Sakutaro cleared his throat as if that’d get rid of his nerves, “We don’t have to look at anything. We can just walk out of here and say that we did. No big deal, right?”

Just as Sakura started to nod along to his suggestion, a booming voice sounded clearly through the door, “Haruno Sakura, I dare you to lie to me!!”

Said girl “eep!’d” before repeatedly banging her head gently against the shelves. Sakutaro exhaled nervously, a small grin finding place on his lips as he tried to scratch the back of neck in a nervous gesture he’d picked up from Tenshi, only to put his arm down because the space was too limited.

“She’s scary, huh?”

Sakura huffed a small laugh, “Yeah, she is. The scariest, you have no idea.”

Sakutaro hummed. “Oh, I think I might.”

“Is your shishou scary as hell, too?”

“Tsubasa-shishou is absolutely terrifying. I swear they cow village children by telling them Tsubasa is going to get them if they don’t behave.”

Sakura giggled softly, eyes dancing in the dim light, “I hear visiting mothers at the hospital tell their children to eat their vegetables or else the scary Tsunade-hime is going to make them eat pebbles!”

Their quiet laughter was interrupted by a loud banging on the door, “I did not send you in there to have a tea party! Do as you’re told and get out here!”

Rolling her eyes but still keeping a grin on her face, Sakura unzipped the rest of her vest as Sakutaro did the same.

“I stopped having tea parties when I was five.” Sakura mumbled under her breath as she undid her chest bindings, her fingers freezing when Sakutaro’s head lifted sharply from where he was attempting to unclasp his belts to stare at her with wide eyes.

His mouth dropped open silently, words forming but unable to speak.

“You…?” Sakura’s own lips were hesitant, frozen as a statue, eyes widening in wonder as a bright flush bloomed across Sakutaro’s cheeks.

“Don’t tell anyone!” Sakutaro gasped before shyly averting his gaze, fingers working clumsily to undo loops and buckles.

At Sakura’s silence, Sakutaro added softly, “I was alone a lot, and I didn’t have many friends until Inomatsu.”

Glancing at her from beneath his lashes, Sakutaro watched her bite her lip as a gentle smile softened her face, “It’s okay, me too. I won’t tell.”

He smiled gently in response, and Sakutaro crossed his arms. This part would be easier for him than it was for her, and he lowered his gaze respectfully when Sakura reached the last of her chest bindings.

“Alright,” Sakura sighed, “Let’s get this over with.”

Carefully lifting his eyes to stare directly into her own, he found her standing awkwardly with her arms crossed over her chest. He made sure to look nowhere else but her eyes until she told him to, he did not want shattered forearms again—thank you very much.

She was very nervous, he could tell, and so was he. But he didn’t have to expose himself like she did, so perhaps if he made her laugh…?

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” He grinned at her, eyes warm and keeping a respectful distance. His grin, however, faltered when she blanched and made a face like he’d just farted.

“Ew,” she frowned, “Don’t say that! You’re such a guy!”

“What?!” He laughed, slightly confused but picking up on the teasing lilt in her voice, “I was only trying to make you laugh!”

“But what you said was so dirty!”

“Listen here, woman, I go only where your mind takes me.”

“Oh, my god,” Sakura groaned, hiding a smile behind her hand, “I’m such a dork.”

“I am not!”

Clearing her throat, Sakura held eye contact with him and dropped her arms and Sakutaro, in light of her professionalism and the less awkward atmosphere, successfully dissociated himself enough to reach out with a clinical hand to push aside her vest—right over her pounding heart—to look closely at the nipple of her left breast.

He hoped she forgave him for what he was about to do, but he couldn’t see very well, so he brought his head closer—close enough for his breath to fan across it and see it pebble in response—and angled her towards the light.

A small smile curled his lips as he glanced up at Sakura, who was doing her best to avoid looking at him. There, crossing onto the skin of her nipple from her areola was a slightly darker patch of skin in the shape of an oval. One that matched the one on his own left nipple.

Releasing her vest and taking a step away from her, Sakutaro nodded his head and Sakura nodded back before boldly pushing his vest aside with cold fingers. He stood absolutely still, but shuddered as she trailed her fingertips down his well-formed pectorals, gooseflesh rising quickly along his skin, and was very surprised that she was so…handsy. His own nipple, the same exact peach shade of her own, stiffened as she leaned in to get a better look.

He felt, more than heard, her murmur to herself, “Well, would you look at that.” Before stepping away from him with her own smile.

“Okay!” Sakura chirped, zipping up her vest without doing her chest bindings, “That wasn’t so bad! There’s only one more left!”

Sakutaro raked a hand through his hair, “Yeah, that wasn’t bad at all. Next is the one where the groin meets the pelvis, right?”

Sakura hummed in response, her slim hands already hiking up her black, civilian skirt to reveal black lace panties.

“Trying to impress someone?” He asked slyly, relishing in the blush that spread across the bridge of her nose as she lifted her head—just like him.

“How did you—“ She trailed off at his knowing stare and huffed, “Right. You’re me, I’m you.”

Unbuckling his pants, and sliding them down his legs, Sakutaro took a moment to be mortified. He just met her and he was practically naked! This was so weird!

Standing there with his pants around his ankles, and rolling his black boxer briefs as high as they could go, Sakutoro was quick to curse Inomatsu.

Sakura chuckled, “Black. How sensible. Trying to look cool for someone?”

Sakutoro scoffed as he straightened, “As if she’d ever let me get this far.”

Sakura shrugged as she lifted a glowing hand to her inner thigh, “She’s missing out, then.”

Crouching down in front of her, the glow of her medical ninjutsu illuminating the sharp contours of his face, Sakutaro smirked, “So is he.”

Using the light emitted by medical ninjutsu to find that elusive birthmark in the shape of a stupid flower on her inner thigh wasn’t much better than using the light in the closet, and Sakutaro cursed.

“Well, I can’t see anything,” He said as he rose to his full height gracefully, “I’ll take your word for it then.”

But Sakura had a frown on her pretty face and he didn’t like it, it was like he was upset.

“Hey,” Placing his hand on her shoulder, Sakura looked at him from below her lashes, “What’s wrong?”

Sakutaro’s brow furrowed when her eyes refused to focus on his face, and blinked when they suddenly did just that.

“Aren’t you the least bit curious?” She asked, teeth worrying her bottom lip familiarly,

“Curious?” He repeated, not sure what she was asking of him. He was curious about many things, like why he was staring at himself as a woman.

“Yes.” Sakura whispered, eyes lighting up as something bloomed in her mind, “Aren’t you curious about how perfection and accuracy travels through dimensions? Are we exact replicas of each other, save for—well, you know—or do we have something the other doesn’t? Can we tell by facial expression what the other is thinking? Do we have the same tics? Do we like the same things?”

He didn’t say anything, but she was breathless as she barreled on because she already knew.

“If-If this turns out to be true, and-and we are what we think, then I know you and I know I’m right. You want to know as much as I do.”

Scrubbing his hand down his face, Sakutaro cursed Sakura because she was right. The scientific anomaly of having two people with exact DNA was a treat too tempting to ignore; no two person’s DNA was the same, not even identical twins, so to see two people not cut from the same cloth but the cloth itself was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Sakutaro didn’t even have to say anything, she knew his response. He nearly flinched when her cold hands found his own, the soothing feel of her medical chakra coaxing his own out of his pores. Her fingers entwined with his own, palms resting against each other as the glow of their hands grew stronger. It was a peculiar sensation having someone’s chakra blend completely and seamlessly with your own; if Sakutaro could describe it, it’d feel like home.

“Will you two hurry up in there?!”

Glancing at the muffled voice coming from the other side of the door, the pair nodded at each other.

“We can explore and theorize later.” Sakura said, excitement showing through her guise of clinical detachment, “For now, feel and confirm.”

Sakutaro had a split second to utter a dumbfounded “wha?” before she grabbed his hand and placed it on her right inner thigh. His hand instantly froze, eyes glued to her flushed face, her glare making his heart beat a steady drum in his chest.

“C’mon, Sakutaro,” Sakura grunted, a very unlady-like sound for someone with a man’s hand on her thigh. And oh, did he just think that? “You know where it is, just touch it and see if it’s there.”

Swallowing the nervous lump in his throat, Sakutaro’s hand eased gently up her thigh, grateful that her skirt was bunched up to her waist, it was already awkward enough that he had to crouch down to reach her, what if he’d had to hoist her into his arms?

He’d probably die from all the blood rushing to his head.

The taut, iron muscles beneath his calloused fingertips quivered as he felt around and he was awed by how silky her skin felt as juxtaposed by her monstrous strength. She was deceptively frail and delicate looking—a berserker with petal pink hair and bottle green eyes. All she’d need was Naruko’s pig tails and she’d be the emasculators of all emasculators.

Well, Sakutaro decided, if he was going to be a woman—he’d want to be her. He couldn’t quite wait for the chance to spar with her.

“Sakutaro,” Sakura whined, and oh she shouldn’t be saying his name like that, not her. He was still a man, even if they were one in the same, and his own leg twitched in response. “What are you doing? Hurry up!”

Nodding more to himself than to her nagging, Sakutaro ignored his impulsive, primal desires to run his hands over such soft, feminine skin and his fingers made a beeline towards where he knew that stupid little birthmark would be.

Spreading her legs even further apart with a nudge of his knee (yes, it was that up in there), Sakutaro ignored Sakura’s gasp in favor of probing deeper. When he reached the junction of where her thigh met her pelvis, he gently extended his long middle finger to feel around the smoothness for the slightly raised skin in the shape of a lotus flower. Finding it, Sakutaro ignored Sakura’s deep puffs of air against his neck in favor of tracing the design to confirm its shape—its petals extending slightly across her labia and surrounding thigh, and he hesitated when he accidentally brushed upon a certain wetness and heat.

Freezing when Sakura let out a low mewl, he became emboldened by her thighs clenching around his hand and he tentatively brushed his calloused fingertips against her again, boldly circling her skin with a featherlight touch.

She rocked against him, and Sakutaro shut his eyes against the heat collecting deep in his groin. What was this? Was this wrong? How did it get to this?

Just when he was about to take the literal plunge, Sakura shoved him into the shelves and bottles of window cleaner toppled onto the dusty floor.

“Okay,” She stood there panting, her unbound breasts heaving beneath her vest. Cheeks flushed, lips parted and eyes darkened by lust, Sakutaro thought her the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. “You found it. My turn.”

Excuse you, Sasuka who?!

His hips jerked when she toyed with the elastic waistband of his boxers, and Sakutaro buried his face in her hair. Her hair that smelled like vanilla and passion fruit—he smiled, how fitting. Large hands trailing down her sides to rest on her unbelievably small waist, he gripped the fabric of her shirt tightly, straining against the desire to buck into her hand. He was so painfully aware of her already, and this was—this was…he didn’t have a word for it.

Sakutaro hissed when her small, soft hand plunged into his underwear—the side of her palm barely skimming the side of his hardened length as she gently, if not curiously, ran her fingers over the smooth skin of where his own thigh met his pelvis. He, like herself, preferred to be clean shaven—and wasn’t that a given for them? He liked what she liked, she liked what he liked.

His own lotus flower birthmark wasn’t as deep as hers had been, by virtue of being a man, and she found it quickly. But his foot still jerked into a collapsed bottle of detergent when her fingers lightly trailed over the raised skin that overlapped the sensitive skin of his tightened sack. He softly groaned her name into her hair, voice deepened by desire, and he felt her shudder against him.

Sakutaro had never had woman touch him like she was, doing so much by doing so little, and it figured that the one to do so would be himself. Sakura would know that he liked to be teased, just as he knew she’d like the same.

But Sakutaro hadn’t indulged himself in months, and if Sakura kept going, things would be messy and awkward, so he gently eased her away and she mutely pulled her hand from his underwear. She smiled at him sweetly before adjusting her clothing as he did the same, willing his frantically beating heart to slow down and blood pooled below to resume normal activity.

Once they were dressed adequately enough to conceal their experimental activities in the supply closet—of all locations, Inomatsu would be proud—the pair looked at each other with silent understanding and promise.

“You are me.” Sakura whispered, her fingers reaching to trail softly down his cheek.

“I am you.” Sakutaro replied, his hands tucking a strand of long, pale pink hair behind her ear.

And when they smiled at each other, it was like looking in the mirror and coming home.