#in relation to the family therapy ep where he was like 'well we need to hear everyone's side' or whatever

[transbeamrooikat]

some Roman rambles from school :3

[ronanlvnchvevo]

Ok so I want to talk about this scene in particular, because I love it so much and feel like every time I watch it I learn some kind of new insight into Pete, and I think it foreshadows a lot of the future vegaspete moments (which--STAY WITH ME I know my brain rot is showing ok, I KNOW but it’s good I promise)

So the first thing I notice about this scene every time I watch it is how visibly uncomfortable Porsche is. Not only do we as the audience, who know Porsche’s motivations for wanting to witness this moment, and who get to see those fun flashbacks, know that he’s uncomfortable, but I think it’s clear to the other three in the room that Porsche is Not Having A Good Time. When Kinn’s determined that this is no longer a productive learning experience for Porsche, he calls out to Pete and signals for Pete to go with him outside. THIS IS EXTREMELY FASCINATING TO ME, because I think Kinn knows (HE KNOWS) that, in addition to basically being his bestie, Pete is probably the most empathic of all his men (he’s been tankhun’s babysitter without complaint for how long?), and that Porsche probably needs someone to talk him through whatever’s going on in his head. 

Up until this point, and in only three episodes I might add, we see multiple different occasions where Pete shows a deep emotional understanding of the people around him in ways no one else does. This comes in the form of him 1) not immediately ostracizing Porsche because he’s the bratty new guy, and instead taking him under his wing; this is significant because he’s THE ONLY ONE in the main house who doesn’t give Porsche any attitude, or treat him like he’s the gum stuck to the bottom of their shoe like everyone else does. 2) He’s the only bodyguard who is visibly uncomfortable when Tankhun is punishing Porsche with the mermaid costume AND is the only one who speaks up on Porsche’s behalf (T: Give him a treat! P:...that’s enough. He didn’t mean to). 3) Despite disagreeing with Thankhun’s punishment, he STILL feels obligated to educate Porsche on the trauma he endured as a reason for his “absurd” behavior. His interpretation of TK’s behaviors, and the rest of the family’s for that matter, also demonstrate just how perceptive he is. 4) OBVIOUSLY the scene in ep 2 where he stops Porsche from trying to beat Kinn’s ass after getting choked out. In this scene, it’s clear he’s taken the time to analyze the situation from Kinn’s perspective, or at least that he’s spent time thinking about how difficult things were/are for Kinn (“He used to love his people. The reason he became cruel was not totally on him”) and the fact that he doesn’t just blurt out Kinn’s secret in that moment speaks to his character, I think. I could go into even greater detail here, but I’ve already let this get out of hand, and its not even the main point I’m trying to make in this post.

SO PETE TAKES HIM OUTSIDE on Kinn’s order, right? This is where the ENTIRE conversation takes an incredible turn towards vegaspete foreshadowing for me. And Yes, it’s a conversation about Porsche and what he’s going through, but I think it’s important to acknowledge the double purpose its serving (which, bravo to the writers for that) and how at their cores Porsche and Vegas are going through very similar things. It’s also an important conversation because it reveals some truths that I think are important to remember when we think about how Pete could have fallen for Vegas despite him being his captor (and aside from him just being a really empathetic dude).

Porsche begins their impromptu therapy session with “He must really have no way out. That’s why he’s acting stupid.” Porsche is obviously saying this about the man they’re extorting, but then he relates it to his own experience with debt collectors “I know it very well, that having no way out can really make you do anything.” Immediately!!! I was thinking ‘you know who acts real stupid a lot, because he’s trapped in his family’s cycle of violence? Vegas.’ I digress. This scene is a turning point for Porsche in particular. He makes his first kill, yes, but that’s just meant to really bring home the realization he’s having that life isn’t as black and white as he’d always thought it was. Up until this point, Porsche has always seen himself the Victim of debt collectors, and he viewed them as an unnecessary evil (it’s not his fault his uncle gambles away all of their money!). It is at this point when he finds himself, the Victim, the Good Guy, with no choice but to become the Evil Debt Collector. Sometimes there is no choice. Sometimes the Good Guy must do a bad thing in order to survive. Things are more often stuck in a gray area than they are just good or just evil. “I never thought that I’d be like one of them today,” he says. This leaves him smack dab center in a moral gray area, and so clearly reeling from the realization. (he tries to save himself and stay The Good Guy when he tries to talk the guy down, but the guy shooting anyways forces him to instead acknowledge this truth once and for all.)

BACK TO VEGASPETE: Pete quietly lets Porsche say his piece in its entirety, and then gives a response that shows he’s understood this to be a universal truth for a long time. “We’re just teaching him a lesson,” is his first response. He doesn’t try to justify their actions, nor is he attempting in any way to reframe their situation in a way that makes them out to be either Good or Bad guys. If he did, he’d be playing into a narrative he doesn’t believe, and as we know, “theres no legacy as rich as honesty.” Instead, he goes on to give the one of the most iconic lines of the series: “There’s no heroes nor villains in this world.” Heroes being the paragon of all things good, and villains symbolizing all things evil. This certainly has broader implications for the series as a whole, but for vegaspete, it goes to show that Pete never looked at Vegas and saw villain. It’s more likely he saw him for what he was at his core: a broken man lashing out at a world that refused to love him despite his best efforts. He saw all of Vegas’ actions, not as isolated evil incidents, but as reactions to things around him and the way the people who were supposed to love him treated him. It’s also why it’s believable that he believed in Vegas’ capability to do good and love when he saw the way he treated the hedgehog. Animals often love unconditionally. Animals also cannot judge you or your motivations the way humans can. Pete saw Vegas loving the only living thing that ever loved him back, and he knew Vegas was simply the product of his environment and circumstances.

[leavemeuntold]

if you had a say in how the next eps play out then what would they look like and focus on?

whew. to be honest i wish i could have had a say in how the previous episodes played out instead 🥴 but okay, considering what we have got set up right now, i would:

1. set a focus on isi’s gender identity exploration, have them go to a queer youth group meeting, where it’s discussed openly so they can get some clarity on themselves in that aspect. include a conversation about it with their parents where they’re understanding and supportive (i wouldn’t want to expect any less from how they’ve been set up so far)

2. absolutely not have them make up with either lou or constantin by the end. cut constantin off from the instas, ideally have him mention thinking about or already going to therapy in the last episode cause everyone deserves a chance to get better. include a calm conversation with lou where isi cuts her off as well cause of all the shit she’s pulled him into in the past 2 months. and also cause she’s annoying. i’d have her move somewhere so we don’t have to see her in s8 if there is one

3. show closeness with kieu my, zoë and finn. girltalks, chill hangouts where we see what connects them and why they’re friends. have them discuss constantin and settle on the fact that he’s not unredeemable, but he needs to heal before he can be friends with anyone like that again

4. include a moment of realization clip with isi stalking sascha on instagram or going through their messages where we see that final shift from ‘i can’t lose my best friend’ to ‘i can’t lose my best friend and the person i’m in love with’

5. have sascha be present in almost every single of the remaining clips. not literally, but like, in spirit. isi’s parents mention him at the dinner table, umut asks about him, ava mentions him in a conversation. it would show how intertwined their lives actually are; wherever isi goes, there’s traces of sascha. i’d use this to compensate a bit for the lack of development we got with them.

6. similarly to the previous point, i’d throw in a lesson about proper treatment of other people in as many clips as possible. have ismail reflect and feel genuinely sorry, not for themselves, but for the way they’ve treated ava, nora and sascha. show how they’ve changed and bring out that kindness that they have inside them with full force

7. add at least two more isi singing clips. eren has a beautiful voice and i feel very connected to isi when they sing. i’d have them write a song and sing to sascha, whether as part of their final apology or as just a loving moment between them where ismail in their own way shows him that they care. sascha builds for isi, isi writes for sascha.

8. cemevi clip!!!!! more exploration of isi’s religion, a discussion about gender identity in relation to it, ending on a positive note.

9. have another clear discussion with ava where ismail shows proper remorse and apologizes again, even though ava seems to be fully okay with them right now (which never should’ve happened after just that one clip; i had high hopes and was almost certain that discussion wasn’t genuinely over after one conversation…disappointment) & have them apologize to nora for the way they treated her in s5

10. give sascha and isi all the classic skam couple clips; first kiss, the morning after, hiding from everyone before announcing they’re a couple, dancing and singing together & a cute clip with isi’s family seeing them as a couple for the first time

11. sashisi new year’s kiss. as a treat

i genuinely don’t know how i would fit all of this into three weeks so lucky for us, it’s hypothetical.

& thank you for the question, anon. i really enjoyed this one <3

[rahleeyah]

Thanks for answering even months later 😊 OH and don't get me started on the christmas ep! I too am still angry about it!!! I really really wanted that to have been processed somehow and I was hoping it would at least come up in therapy: you know, your life hasn't been easy during this last year, it's okay to be sad... NOPE it's Elliot's/your lack of a romantic relationship's fault, like what???

the fucking christmas episode tho. liv and noah are at church??? (this is related to something that's been on my mind lately, how much of liv's character has been eroded in recent seasons, how they have blunted her rough edges and made her "soft" in so many ways that feel like "she's of a certain age and she's a mother she can't be a bulldog anymore she has to be sweet" and that is. a) not a good look and b) not true to who olivia IS) which doesn't make any sense bc apart from having baby noah blessed in a church (also. sidebar. amanda's from georgia. what are the chances she went to a church where babies get baptized i'm sorry i do not believe she was raised catholic) we have had zero reason to suspect that liv has been going to church all this time although. i can't remember now. has liv come out and said in recent seasons that she believes in god now? or is that just a fanon thing i'm thinking of? ooooh there's something about liv turning to the church after elliot is gone as a way to still feel close to him but that is neither here nor there lemme rein this in-

so we have the squad being ripped away from their families on christmas to work a hate crimes case (bc WL is still salty his hate crimes show didn't get made, which, thank god it didn't, they do not possess the nuance to produce that show with grace), we have the retconning of murphy and rollins' relationship/baby stuff, we have amanda's parents looking after the girls and noah which is INSANE bc her mother is an awful bitch who treated amanda like shit and her dad is an abusive alcoholic why were those children not with the carisis. we have the initial red herring, which was super racist and never revisited and wasted a bunch of time, NOT TO MENTION that for a white supremacy storyline a lot of the actors were not actually white?? and rollins flashing a white power sign on tv which imo was unnecessary and yes she was only doing it to entrap that guy but given their whole "we needed a character to represent the Good Kind Of Republican, bc that's definitely an underrepresented group, and we might as well use the southern girl bc they're all like that, right?" thing was in extremely bad taste. and then liv shoots some dude in front of a crowd of witnesses on christmas day and no one goes to comfort her. no one goes to speak to her. murphy says merry christmas, not dryly, not ironically, no liv says thank you like she thought he was being sincere and then he vanishes again. fade to black. never mentioned again, not even once.

no one steps up for olivia. we do not get to see olivia and rollins with their kids. we never hear about it again, like it never even happened.

bc to WL et al, it didn't bear revisiting. all they cared about was the "she saved the city" narrative; there was zero care for olivia as a person. which has kinda become par for the course over the last two seasons; svu does not care about her personhood. they care about her as a prop. they had her stand still while men emoted around her, doing nothing but covering her heart in a sweet gesture of compassion. they waited until the finale to allow her to express any of what she's been feeling, and like you said pinned it all on elliot, WITHOUT EVEN ACTUALLY LETTING OLIVIA TELL US HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT HIM. they had lindstrom and barba - they had two men - tell us what olivia is feeling.

jesus christ. i am so glad they're bringing in fresh blood. it is desperately needed.

[iamkidfish]

Why Shelby’s teeth works so well as a metaphor for her sexuality

I know this has been talked about a lot but I got sent an ask that made me have a Shelby breakdown so I just thought I’d add my two cents :’)

It’s pretty clear Shelby’s sexuality is linked with her teeth. She says that her flipper is something that holds back all this “ugliness”-referencing the expectations of her life, her internalized homophobia from her father, and the guilt she feels over Becca’s death. That’s a lot of emotional weight packed into a tiny little piece of plastic, but it makes sense.

1. Expectations/Performance: Very quickly into Shelby’s episode, we see how ‘fake’ she really is. (By fake, I mean conforming to the expectations her family and life has provided to her as a means of self-preservation and survival) The pageants, the boyfriend, her teeth are all ‘given’ to her as things she is expected to perform under or with but Shelby’s compliance is a double edged sword: it allows her a safety net (to play a ‘role’ in her family/community but still have these feelings for her best friend) but it’s also the rope that’s constricting her

Does Shelby even like pageants? We know she’s good at them but why did she start competing in the first place? Was it Dave, who saw some early signs of Shelby liking girls and forced her to participate in one of the most gendered things in existence? Or does Shelby put herself into that environment willingly, knowing how she feels about Becca (or girls in general) as a way to shove down her feelings?

We know Shelby is perceptive of these expectations because she lays them all out in her argument with Toni in episode: “I’m not just talking about pageant stuff”. The first time Shelby kisses Becca she’s in a pageant dress (another thing symbolizing her expectations); the first time she kisses Toni, they’re literally talking about expectations in Shelby’s life-”You’re free here Shelby, On an island a million miles away from whatever bullshit expectations and if you’re not taking advantage of that, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you”. Also important: both of these scenes/kisses have a fallout; the first being the marker on Shelby’s dress (and her father noticing the mark and the kiss) and then Shelby literally running away from Toni in the second scene (and running back to expectations/role she’s known her whole life).

It’s also important to note: Shelby’s line to Martha in the pilot “I do family, I do jesus, I do pageants.” those are the three things that are actually harming her/forcing her into these boxes. 

2. Dave Goodkind and internalized homophobia: Oh Dave...nothing like giving your kid years of trauma

Jokes aside, this is the most obvious connection between Shelby’s flipper and her sexuality. It’s mentioned in the show that Shelby first gets her fake teeth when she’s 11 and that’s a long time for her to link all of her insecurities and doubts and negative self-image to her retainer. I’m not completely sure but I think it can be easily interpreted that’s when Shelby realized she liked girls (or at least Becca)

Remember, Dave tells Shelby “God only does beautiful” after her parents initially say no to getting the permanent implants and I’m willing to bet that’s something he started to tell her when she first realized she needed the implants at 11.

It’s only until after Dave catches her kissing Becca that he starts to talk about “fixing” things

(Another important note: the scene where Shelby confronts her father about the kiss, he’s on the treadmill and in the very first scene we see of Shelby’s flashback, Dave is leading the cycling class. Exercise is another motif that is present during Shelby’s episode that relates back to the idea of image/appearance/expectations)

Dave tells Shelby “I still pray for everyone even if they don’t deserve it, even if they can’t be saved” and this is the first moment where it all crashes down. This is when his narrative changes and he changes what he’s telling Shelby to fit the narrative he has constructed.

So he decides to attack Shelby at her most vulnerable: the night she wins the pageant competition which, subsequently, is also the night she finds out that Becca has died. I’ve decided there is no way that Shelby’s parents (at least Dave) don’t know about Becca’s death. Other than the fact that they’re living in a small, conservative, religious Texas town, Shelby’s mom mentions Becca’s ‘mental health problems’, making it clear the news got out into the community, even if Becca’s parents tried to keep it under wraps.

Dave only mentions the possibility of Shelby getting permanents after the pageant competition, when he knows that Becca is dead, which is interesting to me. Obviously there could have been other times he mentioned it, but the writers’ specifically chose to include it in that scene, emphasizing the metaphor of Shelby’s sexuality being linked to her teeth. Dave is telling her “look, Becca’s death is your fault, the relationship that has been broken to the most extreme, these things are fixable. and you will be fixed.”

Again the metaphor is basically confirmed with the order of scenes in Shelby’s episode. Dave continues to push Shelby into getting the permanents, even after Shelby’s mother looks shocked and protests, saying “if it can be fixed, the pain is worth it”. I think in the very next interview scene Shelby tells Faber and Young that she had “very different plans” for the summer and she also has her flipper still (and it’s still cracked), signifying Dave’s plan for her conversion didn’t work. Assuming that’s how Gretchen marketed it to him for him to agree to send her.

I know there are also some theories around saying that Dave is also gay but went through some kind of conversion therapy, from the way he talks to Shelby, and with all the metaphor about the teeth being genetic-I couldn’t find the post but thought that was interesting to add. 

3. Guilt about Becca’s death

Oops this is getting long so I’ll make this short. 

But Shelby tells everyone that know one else knows about her flipper, except in the flashback scene where Shelby kisses Becca, Dave invites her to stay for dinner. Obviously this had a double meaning, but what’s important is that it’s casual and feels authentic, like it’s been happening for a long time. And why shouldn’t it, Becca and Shelby have been friends for years, of course Becca is going to eat dinner with Shelby’s family. So she has also seen Shelby’s flipper/knows about her teeth. 

There’s a lot to be said about the parallels of Toni and Becca both telling Shelby that they “see” her in someway but for me, the most important part is after Leah accuses Shelby of being the spy in ep 7. Both Toni and Becca, the only two people who Shelby has confided in her feelings with/kissed and know about her teeth, say that “see” her. 

Shelby tells Toni, it’s “just another reason to hate me, not that you need any more” connecting back to the conversation she had with Becca on the porch, and you realize that, through the connection, Shelby fully blames herself for Becca’s death and feels as if Becca hates her, because, she believes, Toni does too.

[onlyhereforangst]

WWR

i mean i only had three weeks to get it done so naturally i’m finishing it three days before the next ep airs, would you expect anything less?

Ok we start off hot with a subtly jealous Nick scene and I love it. Ellie is like stunned that such a thing even exists “a covid crush” because lets be honest, she probably has no eyes for anyone else at this point - even if it’s been a YEAR (well 10ish months) a whole ass YEAR since the jail cell scene and can I just tell you I am mad about that. Why they do us dirty and skip a whole dang year?? Why can’t we quick flash forward every couple of months?? I mean I know it has felt like an entire year has gone by in a week, RIP 2020 no one will miss you, but like I wanted to see it 😩 and I better get at least some kind of explanation for whatever the F has gone down between these two from “well what are we gonna to about that as we stand 5 inches apart” to now. I demand this explanation. 

Anyways, back on track here - Nick is jealllllllous BUT different kind of jealous for this man because for once he’s not all dark and broody about it. He’s over here willingly, *willingly* bringing up said jealousy aaaand he’s smiling about it (!!!) because despite them still not being together (where’s the Gibbs’ headslap when you actually need it amiright) he’s not worried about this crush. He knows her feelings and his so it’s like yeah I’m a little jealous but also I’m gooood, I got this one in the bag 😏 (also can I just say I need Ellie to show him he does not in fact ‘have this in the bag’ if he’s gonna act like a little shit and push her away). 

This whole thing about babysitting and not wanting to take care of other living beings is very very very interesting considering they both loved taking care of Charlie (Cody, I blame this on pregnancy brain thank you @thekeyboardninja) in the end AND EVEN TALKED ABOUT PARENTING EVENTUALLY. So like, where did we backtrack??? Excuse me who allowed you to do such things. I’m feeling like they likely backtracked (this was s16 after all) because once again, the dust settled after their super close vulnerable moment and they went and hid behind those stupid walls they both have and somehow convinced themselves that being alone was better for them. IT’S A LIE YALL IT’S A LIE. You being together and taking care of each other is exactly what you need and it’ll be perfect and amazing and just DO IT ALREADY 😭

The team moment with Jimmy is so 🥺 and throughout the episode. I’m not going to touch on that stuff much because this is ellick focused but also because I truly do not need to sob again (even if I called Breena dying from covid like months ago and knew exactly what was coming with all of it but you know, I still cry, it’s fine, I’m fine). 

Ellie knowing Gibbs uses a weighted blanket and Nick doubting her is just comical to me 😂 mini side note before we get into how they have a thiiiiiing and it’s called always getting dibs on the elevator in tandem for months and McGee HOW CAN YOU NOT TELL. These two are so in sync even if they are still spectacularly failing at talking this out & taking that next step. Also months of Gibbs riding down the elevator with just those two…….the third wheeling must be slowly killing the old dude, give him a break you two. 

Tell me why these two have the exact same stance in the bullpen- could you be more obvious?? You rubbing off on each other. And then the walking up to the barbershop scene I caaaan’t. Ellie is SO flirty. Like so flirty. Who is this new Ellie and why do I love her so much. But Nick gives it right back too and her little giggle with shoulder shrug is just perfect. She’s fiiiiinally letting herself *feel* more and let it be out in the open and it’s just so great. I love seeing this character development for her 🥺 walls coming down, being more forward with her flirting and feelings and it’s all I’ve ever needed. Also we’re gonna take a small detour into Nick’s pants I mean the notebook he casually stashes in the front of his jeans like it doesn’t make a person look RIGHT. THERE. Don’t ask me why it’s hot, I don’t know the answers to the universe, it just is. We knoooooow Ellie is loving it’s location there, she wouldn’t mind flirtatiously taking it out at the next stop to “check” where they needed to go. You know, just helping a partner out- don’t worry Nick she’s got it handled 😏😏🔥🔥 Ok back from our detour, when Nick asks if she’s got him and she answers so quickly and almost with the undercurrent of “of course I do how is that even a question I’ll protect you until the day I die” (yes this is what she says), I love. 

Ok since when does Nick like puzzles and how does Ellie know this??? He was most certainly NOT a puzzle kind of guy when he first joined the team so are you telling me that maybe Ellie and her nerdiness (come on there’s no way she doesn’t love puzzles) got Nick into puzzles??? Also also also does everyone remember that time in covid lockdown where literally everyone and their mother did five thousand puzzles because we couldn’t leave our houses? Soooooo is this a nod to Ellie & Nick spending some time together doing puzzles (at presumably Ellie’s apartment because she’d be the one to have said puzzles) and turns out Nick loves them even more than she did???? Is this what you’re making me read in between the lines NCIS? Because I am most certainly ok with this. 

Ooooooooh-kay this 8pm thing for Nick. SO many possibilities. It’s been confirmed it wasn’t Ellie (which I won’t lie was my immediate wish) via Steven Binder on twitter (which I also won’t lie, my angst heart loves it’s something else). My take is it’s something (not another girl though) personal- I would *love* if it was therapy or some type of personal development thing. I think he realizes over the past year he has involuntarily retreated emotionally from Ellie even if outwardly it doesn’t show (no personal space and continued flirting). I think he *knows* he’s doing it emotionally and yet can’t figure out how to stop himself from doing it- like on the outside of his body watching him make a dumb mistake but unable to change a damn thing. SO I feel like whatever this 8pm thing is will play into that. It’ll somehow be related to Nick diving deeper into himself and trying to get more in touch with the parts of himself he loves to ignore/hide/push down. That could be therapy, a self-help class, getting in touch with family (but I don’t think he would feel the need to get secretive about this. i mean he already brought up Lucia to this dude, why would he all of a sudden be ashamed of a dinner/meeting with his mom or dad or something? i just don’t buy that). But anyways back to the point- it’s something Nick feels the need to hide in shame because that’s how he’s been conditioned as an undercover agent who feels the need to be tough and strong for everyone and being vulnerable is WAY too scary (helloooooo enneagram 8 nice to meet you I’m also an enneagram 8 Nick isn’t it fun). 

I don’t know why them talking so casually on the phone, while Nick is getting ready for the day no less is so damn pleasing to me. The simple domesticity of it all because it’s totally something one would do with their spouse is just 🥰🥰 And then their little freaking smiles can THEY NOT. Ellie you like glazed donuts?? Is this some kind of hint? Innuendo? Just a glaringly obvious chance to flirt and you don’t give a rat’s ass you’re in the middle of the bullpen with Gibbs’ listening to your conversation so you’ll take that chance anyways because you’re head over heels for this guy? Either way Nick’s little smirk oof. I think he takes it as all three of those things and he’s *perfectly* ok with it. UNTIL until, there’s always an until with you Nicholas god damn. Ellie nervously asking about NIck’s apartment 🥺 she may be head over heels but she’s still a little shy and unsure. She thought that jail cell moment would break things through for them and yet she’s- not to quote Taylor swift or anything because why on earth would I do that- right where you left her. WHY NICHOLAS WHY. Since we know Ellie has seen and is very familiar with the inner workings of Nick’s apartment come 16x10, I presume he moved, and it sounds like recently. From the looks of this new place it’s niiiiice. For someone who doesn’t like a lot of things (see s14 when he joins team I don’t remember the exact ep sorry) - he sure managed to settle into that apartment quite nicely. It’s furnished well, it’s homey for DC. And if he’s moved into it since after the jail cell, letting Ellie in is likely a big step in his eyes. But we know this has got to be a weird shift for Ellie. Seemingly so comfortable in each others’ spaces and now she hasn’t even been invited over?? Yeah you smell something fishy girl just like I do. Even if Nick has a cute ass smirk at the end of his little charade to hang up the phone. Wipe that smirk off your face sir you owe us I mean Ellie an explanation and a visit to your apartment. SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR HOUSEGUEST. SHE WANTS TO BE IN YOUR HOUSE. SHE WANTS TO BE IN YOUR PANTS WHILE IN THAT HOUSE. JUST LET HER ALREADY. Ok I’m done, moving on. 

Ok the guys opening the doors dramatically to let the one (1) woman on the team make a super badASS entrance is just 🔥🔥🔥 yes love it. 

Excuse me why does Ellie feel the need to completely turn her body from the rest of the team/bullpen to be 100% faced on Nick. Body language don’t lie bitch I see you. And Nick stealing a glance at Ellie before having to answer McGee’s question about roommates…..interesting, very interesting sir. You thinking about how she’s going to react to some rando being in your apartment AND staying the night before she has?? You thinking about making her a permanent roommate?? But of course he turns to quick humor for a hot sec because this is Nick and then shockingly, like actually shockingly (is this that personal development, soul-searching, deep dive into emotional wonderland rubbing off on him??? Is it working is this foreshadowing???) he goes and gets deep on ‘em. And McGee calls him on it and I love it, I really think this is some foreshadowing here. I think we’re seeing some of the work Nick is doing on himself, getting himself ready for as serious as a relationship as he knows it’ll be with Ellie, paying off. He’s thinking about ~*emotional*~ consequences to actions and OOF yes. The growth, I live for the fucking growth. “It’s not easy to get through the tough transitions on your own” you say as you literally tried to do that for actual YEARS until you met this team. Until you met Ellie. Until you realized that emotional fallout was a real thing and you my friend are a terrible victim to it. Because guess what- exhibit A is right here about to ask you to dinner and you gonna turn her down. You quite literally tried to get through a tough transition (re: Ellie’s kidnapping & the two bombs) by yourself. That dust settled and you immediately emotionally retreated, not physically- emotionally. You went back to what you always knew, the lone wolf on your own, endure the tough transition. And yes you’ve been doing some work on yourself, but now- now you realize it. You can’t do work on yourself alone. You can’t go through this shit alone. You need your support system- your person. But that thought truly terrifies you. You’ve realized it but are you ready to act on it? Not quite yet. You might be close, but you still can’t bring yourself to be honest with her yet. When Ellie nervously asks Nick if he wants to grab a bite you can feel her start to (it’s probably been there quite a while but she’s tried to ignore the feeling of him emotionally shutting her out and pushing her away but the houseguest thing brought it back full force) really worry about where they stood. She won’t completely admit it to herself because she knows what was said in the jail cell wasn’t a lie or a dramatization for either of them, but that worry that’s been creeping in like a vine is taking hold. Nick saying “there’s something I need to take care of” hmmmmm I feel like this is SO vague. And probably purposely done so by the writers but I just - if it was solely him bringing the dude back to his daughter’s why wouldn’t he just tell Ellie that? What would be the harm in her knowing this? She’s aware you’ve bonded so why would he not just say that? I feel like there was definitely something else he thought he would go do after it. With all the talk of tough transitions and then his obviously pre-made plans to drop this guy off, I just feel like there was some other task he had planned before McGee called him. And him discussing the reset button (I’ll get to this) just kind of solidifies that for me. He’d been doing a LOT of reflection that day and he had something more major planned, I just wish I knew what 😩 Ok back to Ellie’s response, she’s honestly shocked and a little confused at his ominously vague answer. And I’d wager a tiny bit of hurt is in that expression too. All those vines of worry taking hold? Yeah, that’s why. They even just tightened and made her speechless for a second. The emotional withdrawal she feared was being confirmed in front of her very eyes. Because (at least on our screens) the last time Nick turned down a bite to eat with her? Oh yeah, he was dating fucking Elena. (Once again, I don’t think he’s got another girl but y’all this is the parallel Ellie could easily draw seeing as it was only a few months ago, supposedly.) And he even looks almost guilty about turning her down, like he knows it’s probably hurting her (and their relationship) but he can’t help it. He hates that he’s doing it and the words coming from his mouth (good lord it’s like the end of 17x07 with overprotective/you’re like a sister to me all over again) but he can’t stop it. And then my heart breaks for Ellie when she tries to put on a brave, strong face that claims she isn’t bothered by his rejection yet we all knoooooow 😭😭😭 He gives her a small little “night” and she’s just standing there wondering where the hell she went wrong with this, how she read them all wrong. 

Ahhhhh the glorious reset button, ya love to see it. When he claims he has the opposite problem you can see his faraway look in his eye. You know *exactly* what, or better yet who, he’s thinking about in that moment. He knows he has to stop avoiding his emotional growth with Ellie. He knows he has to stop hitting the reset button the second things between them get real. And I think he’s known this for a while now but is finally, finally coming to grips with taking real steps forward. Taking steps to embrace the vulnerability he’s terrified of. Finally putting that reset button away 🥺

Ellie knowing Nick has one tie is just another swoon moment. Yes I could get dirty with that (see my tags on previous gifsets for proof) but like, also this is so real of them? They know so damn much about each other it’s insane. She may not have even been in his apartment yet but she knows he owns one tie. Like- come on. Nick you think you’re emotionally distant from this woman but my god it’s the opposite. You two are so intertwined you don’t even realize it as you chuckle and try once again to avoid thinking about that reset button. And then Jimmy goes and reads that letter and I sob. Yes I sobbed. Like I said not getting into this part because my pregnancy hormones can’t handle this (I’m barely rewatching this part with audio ok). But Jimmy’s words voiced over a shot of ellick…take my heart why don’t you. “To hear a laugh, and know that your life would change for ever” like come ON. First, Jimmy you slay me and second, all I can picture is Ellie chuckling with Nick in the bullpen showing him the clicker settings and Nick loving it. Nick your life would be changed forever in that moment I hope you knew. Ellie, pulling her arm around Nick’s for strength, support, I just-. Despite the turmoil she’s been going through, the doubts and the worry that’s crept in- she still feels it. She still feels love for this man and knows her life was changed forever when she met him. No matter how long she tried to deny it, she knows. And that little piece of her that desperately clings to Nick getting his head out of his ass and opening up emotionally to her, that piece decides to break that sliver of personal space and lean on him for support. She needs to touch him- the man who she can’t picture losing like Jimmy lost Breena. She needs to feel him still there, even if he hasn’t completely realized his life changed forever because of her- she has. Gripping his arm for the comfort it gives in knowing he’s still by her side, his hand brushing hers as an involuntary “I’ve got you” (even a reset button pusher like Nick can’t help his reflexes). The gravity of the fragility of life weighing heavily on them both, they hold each other. They’ve got each other. And good god is that poetry we just need them to actually fucking TALK ABOUT IT 😩😭

I don’t know if I even have side notes but I do appreciate NCIS paying homage to the utter grief this pandemic has been. Jimmy being the one to lose a loved one was quite honestly the perfect scenario to me. It shows just how cruel this pandemic has been, ripping even the most optimistic, happy people down to their knees in grief. It’s something that shouldn’t be glossed over and I do hope they continue to have this arc of struggling with grief throughout the season. I think it is so relatable and refreshing to see played out legitimately on the screen. I don’t want happy, go-lucky stale content. I want something real and something tangible. Yes I love my mindless entertainment, but it’s also nice to see *real* drama on a TV drama. At least, that’s my opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d apologize but isn’t that why you’re reading this to begin with? 😘😘

[k-odyssey]

Thoughts on So I Married the Antifan

Whoa, I'm so out of practice. Can't believe I used to review stuff and be able to express my opinions. I also have taken exactly zero notes on this drama.

So I Married the Antifan had the kind of title that would reel me in for sure. I have a well-documented weakness for contract relationship that inevitably turn into love, which I expected this to be. We didn't quite get the usual trope, but maybe that's for the best. I like some variety on a theme, even though I'm a "monomaniac" (according to my brother).

At first, Joon was a bit too much of a jerk and Geun Yong a bit too volatile. Which was on purpose, I know. But with some characters it's love at first sight, even with their flaws. I guess because their flaws feel relatable, not so with Joon and Geun Yong. These two took a few episodes to grow on me, but they definitely did. I enjoyed the romance, it was a pleasant enemies-to-lovers.

I did laugh a lot as well. I liked Geun Yong's group of friends and Joon's amazing manager a lot.

My main issue the entire time was Jae Joon. The drama was showing me an abusive boyfriend, an aggressive boss and a selfish/manipulative friend, asking me to feel bad for him while he was showing very little remorse and blaming everyone else. Sure JJ grew up in a terrible family and felt betrayed by Joon, but that doesn't excuse everything. Also JJ was boring tbh, repeating the same patterns over and over again. What did Joon do so wrong? I personally don't think prioritizing his career, if it had been his goal, would've been a sin. Maybe I'm an individualist. But JJ wasn't even that good of a friend, wanting to debut first.

In Hyung finally gathered the courage to leave him after years of misery and she's rewarded with guilt and runs back to him in the end. Even waiting for him to start her career. Seriously. I wish things had been fixed with therapy and time rather than a life-threatening accident, but this is a drama. At least nobody got amnesia this time.

You know that trope where the male lead disappears to suffer/fix his problems by himself near the end of the drama? (*whispers* Oh My Venus) I would typically hate this, but here Joon takes a step back from the relationship in a way that makes sense, for good reason, and without cutting off contact.

Would I rather watch Joon and Geun Yong face things as a couple? Yes, but there's been such a cataclysm in his life that I understand why he would need some time to address his various problems. And Geun Yong takes this opportunity to look for a job and get her career back on track. Also her parents come over to take care of her, which I really loved.

Anyway, I found Joon's songs catchy. Although I'm not sure why he sang Bittersweet (that "I wonder what is love" song) in ep 2 when the drama seems to be saying it's a new song he's writing later on? What did I miss, is the duo version supposed to be a new version of an existing song? Or did the writers think I wouldn't rewatch the first few episodes after reaching ep10 or so, and therefore would never notice?

All of that to say, I found I Married the Antifan super enjoyable to watch and would classify it as a feel-good. I didn't mind the tropes cause I never do if they're done well/well-enough. I would 100% rewatch it, but definitely fast-forward most of JJ cause seeing that once was more than enough.

PS: Did anyone feel like Joon had actually grown up in Alaska at any point? I don't know what it'd have taken for me to believe it, but I didn't believe it.

PPS: WTF was that kidnapping tho? It made no sense and felt like it was just here to a) show Geun Yong genuinely worrying about Joon b) make him seem like a Good Guy for later on.

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 26.12.20 lb

lmao there’s regretting having sex with someone stupid and then there’s THIS guy; poore bed aur bandiii ko hi aag lagaane ki koshish karr raha hai.

I HATE THE WAY VANSH TALKS. I HAAAAAAAAAATE IT. IT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS AND I HATE IT AND THEY NEED TO STOP MAKING RRAHUL TALK LIKE THISSSSSSSSSSS.

anyway long story short, bhai ne tandoor chaalu kar diya.

she’s so fucking stupid, she just stood there waiting for the fire to surround her instead of escaping out the side that wasn’t on fire yet.

this bitch and her stupid fucking dreams. i’m sick of them, i tell you, i’m fucking sick of them. you know what, half the time vansh isn’t even doing anything wrong (other than being a fucking antisocial weirdo, and also really bad at communication) and this stupid show just makes us root against him because of this dumbass chick’s forever paranoid thought process. sis you need to fucking go to therapy already. you’re just ruining your own life and relationship and this poor dude’s sanity as well.

the real villain of this show.

ghar mein ek aur surprise. man.............. enough with the surprises. don’t y’all have a surprising life on a daily basis, tum extra kyun add karte rehte ho???????????/

requisite shady call to angre, which i’m not even gonna pay attn to anymore. for all we know, he’s just asking him to make sure the audits for the year are done on time.

where they get so many fucking outfit changes from for this one “surprise” day???? like, he didn’t leave the hospital/her side since she got shot, and they’ve had 3 outfit changes already. and here i haven’t changed outta the same pair of jammies for 3 days now.

Bitch-oo Babe (ahana) is calling again. and vansh is making faces again.

riddhima’s like WHAT YOU WANNA TELL ME WHAT YOU WANNA TELL ME WHAT YOU WANNA TELL ME WHY WON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WANNA TELL ME. behen tum ek minute chup rahogi toh woh kuch bolein???????

network issues. LORD. WHO EVEN CARES. ITNA BADHAAA CHADHAAAA KE THEY’RE GONNA MAKE THIS CHARACTER INTRO AND I’M TELLING YOU IT’S GONNA BE ANOTHER PHUSKI BOMB.

shady ruse where he takes her phone on the pretext of not being able to find his and mutes the call from ahana. dude, it’s shit like this that makes it hard to root for you.

she’s like thank goddddddddddd vansh read my letter and accepted me with my truth blah blah. idiot. this is why you send it by whatsapp. at least you get blue tick confirmation ki usne padha. even then you should have a conversation about it. not just have assumed the letter is the end of the whole fucking issue.

of course. literally who is surprised?

ouff this family is so fucking extra. ek din hospital mein rehkar aayi hai, SARHAD SE NAHI LAUTI WOH!?!??!!!!!

LMAO WHEN I SAY THESE THREE SIBS ARE FOREVER THE BIGGEST MOOD..........................

this dude so tall ki what flowers dadi is throwing on R’s head is just reaching his chest level.

blah blah blah party tonight, coz we apparently live in a universe with no ongoing pandemic.

Chehra Appreciation Break.

this dumbass’s need to be a SANSAAAR KA BIG BROTHER isko le doobega. when you threw out anupriya and your relation with her, then kaahe ka half brother??????? kuch bhi. you just wanna collect max number of people to call you bhai.

riddhima also acting too fucking smart and jhaado-fying rob of being vansh’s wife. stupid.

can’t blame kabir for wanting to murder these smug assholes. we’re #teamKabir again, girls!

uhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ve seen this outfit before. 

yup.

some more being a bloody weirdo. man he’s like those emo kids who never grew outta their ~~~edgy~~~ phase.

also i would fucking crotch-kick a man if he destroyed a perfectly good hairtie like this. BITCH YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT’S TO FIND GOOD QUALITY ONES???????? JUST COZ YOU’RE RICH DOESN’T MEAN YOU DO SUCH NONSENSE. A GOOD HAIRTIE IS SOMETHING YOU KEEP FOREVER AND ONLY HAND OVER TO A TREASURED SISTER WHO IS IN DIRE NEED OF ONE.

small cute moment. i love when riddhima mimics him!

oh boy, a internal monologue about teaching her a sabak at the party tho. oh vansh. why you gotta be like this???????/ 

vansh taking angre aside at the party and saying whoever’s trying to talk to riddhima is sure to show up here, so.......... taiyyaar rehna.

angre like “don’t worry, riddhima bhaabi ke paas koi anjaan nahi pohunch paayega.” ok but she’s always at threat of being murdered from the people she knows tho. so....................... idk how useful your security is gonna be.

as usual he’s saying nice but creepy shit. idk why she pays attn to his nonsense anymore.

Y’ALL NEED A RESIDENT ELECTRICIAN TO HANDLE ALL THESE RANDOM LIVEWIRES AROUND HERE, THAN ANY OTHER KINDA SUPPORT STAFF. THE FUCK IS THIS NONSENSE???????? (also, clearly vansh and kabir visit the same Torture&KillRiddhima reddit forum, since their plans are soooooooo similar.)

i’m so sick of him being like...............

pick a side and stick to it, you fucking coward.

anyway ahana���s making her way into the house. and security as usual, useless.

idhar useless tashan. why do you two even bother to talk to each other???? be like other exes, pretend the other one died and ignore everything about their presence.

riddhima being real overconfident and saying vansh ke hote hue not even deathhhhhh can touch me. yeah, i wouldn’t be so sure.

this sis really likes her stinging animal friends.

akjlakjfldskjfldskjflsdkjfl this dresssssss itselfffff they gave herrrrrrrrrrrrrr. haaaye bechaari mansiiiiiii. (i mean, i don’t feel TOO bad, coz this was the best dress of them all in that ep. of IB, but still yaaar. ek naya dress banwaa dete!)

dude. i ship it????? if riddhima HAS to be with some murderous psychopath, then i definitely pick a girl one over a boy one. girl psychos are just soooooooooo much fucking hotter. #teamRiHana

[aspiestvmusings]

ZEP SPOILER PREDICTION?

POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD, SO BEWARE...

BASED ON EPISODE 1x01 - 1x10 + MY PREDICTIONS FOR 1x11 - 1x12

LONG & RANTY POST. NOT SO “POSITIVE” THOUGHTS, SO BEWARE: 

So... I’ve had this “feeling” since the Pilot & I kinda got confirmation for my theory in this weeks episode. And if I combine it with the s1 finale (1x12) episode summary, then it could fit, because “Zoey tries to stop something bad from happening” according to the description. 

Everyone thinks that that’s related to her dad, but... ever since that spoiler came out, I’ve suspected it’s related to someone & something else (even though it is pretty certain her dad will be gone at the end of ep 1x11 or early 1x12). I think that’s a reference to something Simon related instead. 

Zoey’s first “real” interaction with Simon was in the Pilot episode, when she heard him sing “Mad World”. In the latest episode, 1x10 he sang the same song again. And I am predicting that the song MIGHT even be heard the third time during the season...in the finale. (or maybe she’ll just come to realize why she heard him sing that again.. in 1x10)

We’ve seen how Simon has been unable to deal with his grief, to move on, to let go. We’ve seen how it has destroyed him, his relationships... everything. And if we listen to the lyrics (original song by “Tears for Fears”, the extra sad newer version by Gary Jules), and think of Simon’s behaviour (he really is the great pretender”!...as demonstated well in many little scenes in 1x02 & 1x03...for example), I think it’s possible he’s gonna try to go down the same path his dad did. And that’s the “bad thing” Zoey is trying to stop in the s1 finale. 

On this note: I can’t believe that Zoey still hasn’t figured out why Simon was put in her path..at this time. She’s not just supposed to help him, he’s supposed to help her. She’s supposed to learn from him and not make the same mistakes (since she’s not figured that out yet, she’s going down the same path as he is). Simon has been avoiding his grief, and it has made him a mess. He’s not talked with anyone about it..really, he’s not talked about it with his loved ones, and it lead to destroying himself, and his relationships. 

And guess what Zoey has been doing...ever since we met her? She’s avoiding dealing with “her daddy issues”, and it has made her a mess, and ruined many of her relationships (best friends, relatives...). Until she realizes that she’s not supposed to make the same mistakes, and she’s supposed to learn from him, it’s not good. She’s ignored or forgotten (by the next day) all good advice from her friends and family...on this.. and she can’t take it all on her own..she needs to share the grief with people who care about her... to be able to deal...with it all... 

Yet...

                      *************************************************

This weeks episode (1x10) did what I expected, and I know that the show is trying to claim everything Zoey is doing is affected by her grief...and that’s why she’s a mess, and that’s why... all... but I still can’t believe that (even if it’s the “anger” phase of her grief) she still hasn’t figured out that the lyrics of the songs that people sing tell her how she must help them. And she still, to this day, has not helped Simon with his grief. And according to the rules Mo wrote down...that’s “no good” - she must help the person singing...with the “problem” they have. She might’ve not wanted the power & it might not be fair to have to help people...especially at a time when she’s losing her dad... but they established that she must... in order to make all good. 

She can “hear” (thanks to her power) how Simon feels, and yet she hasn’t actively helped him with his grief. And I know the writers are trying to say that it’s because of her own grief (and going through the stages herself), but it has just surprised me how she focuses all her energy on pursuing the engaged (until recently) man...romantically... (obsessively, so), instead of helping him (and instead of focusing on the #1 man in her life..her dad... and I still can’t believe she’s avoided that til now... cause she’s wasted so much precious time... til the very last minute... and she now has so little time left with him...cause she’s been focusing all her energy on trying to repeat her past relationship mistakes... -- and go for the complicated, exhausting for everyone... option,-- ). She’s spent so much energy on obsessing over the engaged (til 4 days ago) man, while claiming she has no time for any romance... (her words & actions don’t match!). 

Her heart song to him in 1x08  also said “didn’t I see you crying?”, so she is (deep down) aware that that’s the emotional state she was him in, and yet they have not had a real, proper, discussion on how to deal with the grief! And hearing him sing the same song again in 1x10 should’ve told her that the man is still “stuck”...still... and that means she didn’t really help him...yet. Which means she must try to help him...again...til it works. (and in helping him she’ll help herself... and learn from his mistakes..and not repeat them..)

Also looking forward to the day when Zoey realizes that the thing that bothers her about Simon is what bothers Max about her: She doesn’t like that Max is pursuing her & yet she is pursuing Simon the same way....at a time when she claims she needs to focus on her dad. She doesn’t like that Simon has no clarity (doesn’t return her feelings... doesn’t want to start anything), but she doesn’t understand that she’s doing the same thing herself...to Max - she has no clarity herself. And if she’s allowed to not like how Simon doesn’t give her an answer & be upset that he doesn’t like her back...then it should be OK for Max to not like how she doesn’t give him/her BFF an answer & be upset that she doesn’t seem to like him back. 

The moment when she realizes tha parallels..is what I'm looking forward to. For her (and some of the viewers) to realize how the things that bother her about Max’s behaviour are parallel how she herself has behaved. (fans claim “Max is pushing Zoey to love him back & going after her...strong”, but what has she done all season? “Zoey has been pushing Simon to love her back & going after him...strong”) The two storylines are exactly the same. And that’s done on purpose on the show. 

She claims she has no time to focus on romance, cause she’s so caught up with her dad & grief, so it’s not the right time to pursue romance, yet she spends much of her screentime actively wishing for & pursuing a romace with Simon. She has the time to go to dinner with him (at a time when I expected her to practically move in with her parents...for the last few weeks), yet she doesn’t take time to actually get her BFF a “congrats on the promotion” gift...when in contrast she gets the “just-broke-up-his-engagement” man a housewarming gift... (she had 4 days to buy that pen/mouse... but she didn’t, but she got the plant for the same night. Same with telling Mo how she’s upset about the Simon news...while not even a mention of Max’s news - move to 6th floor. It’s like they really never were friends...cause she voices no concerns about losing a good programmer & friend...only “worrying” about her office crush...). #WhyAreTheyWritingHerLikeThat  #SheCanGoThroghTheAngerPhaseWithoutBeingExtraRude

To me..that shows just how much she really “cares”. And she might be grieving & a mess..but right now...she does not “deserve” Max...as her BFF (even though she needs her BFF...at this time) Until she’s done processing her grief & done some therapy, and focused on herself... she should do as she says, and focus on her dad, her family, herself. Make her words match her actions. (and yes, this latest ep provided that “turn” ..for her...and all the characters... as the sun will shine again...after the storm... but not before another “storm cloud” passes)

Or...in other news: I LOVED!!! how everyone told their truths to Zoey in this episode. She might be grieving & going through the stages of grief (but so are a lot of people around her....and they don’t create conflicts over this), but that doesn’t make it OK how she sometimes behaves. (Just like Simon grieving does not excuse any of his behaviour...where he was emotionally cheating on his fiancee, and kissing other women while still enaged... etc) So... the scenes where everyone told her the harsh truth...were some of my faves in this episode: Mo, her mom, (even Joan...through looks), Simon, and especially Max!) IMO she really needed to hear all of it! (and more) 

And this makes me sad that I am saying this, but... I wish Max/Zoey wasn’t the endgame...after all this. But it’s a fact that they are. But Max is a much better person than I am. And unlike me (I see the world in black & white only...and while I know it’s very human & all.. I am not a fan of “messy human feelings” -  it’s all just too irrational for my taste), he sees all the colours. And mostly...he loves her..unconditionally, so he’ll “forgive her”. But for me her indecisivness, “1 step forward, 2 steps back” w. Simon (”we’re done, this is over, no more” claims... which she takes back/forgets the very next moment/episode... because... -- she won’t be doing this no more.. but then she finds out his engagement ended...so she’s back obsessing over pursuing him...even though she just made a promise to herself to not do just that --) behaviour, and all that.. cannot be “excused” or “explained” with grief. It hasn’t worked...on screen...for me. But it has allowed some TOP acting from Jane, and Skylar, and John, and Alex...and everyone else. This  cast just keeps being amazing!

But no matter how much I’ll “fangirl” over the S1 finale M/Z moments and possible future M/Z endgame... for me it’s not the payoff... anymore (due to how S1 was written) ..it’s gonna be the unfortunate end result. Some people love TV drama, I just aren’t a fan of such messy drama... I’m simply too rational to get irrational behaviour (what writers & people call “very human” & “this is what grief & hurt does to a person”). I get the intent & get the reasons behind it, but it’s too irrational for me to like it. (cheating is cheating, you can’t take back what you’ve said/done...especially if you make the same mistake again...) #hurtpeoplehurtpeople

I’ve expressed some of these every thoughts in my previous tags and online comments... and now I just have confirmation from the ep that they did really take the exact route I did not ever want the show to take (once is a mistake, twice/three times is a pattern...). But nonetheless... M&Z is endgame. So...my only hope & wish is that there will be a S2, so we would see REALLY work on earning back her BFF (Max’s) trust and friendship. She has to work for it IMO. And she must be compleely honest with him...as she promised...and this now includes telling himall about her grief, “the triangle”, her moments with the engaged/just broken up man... That is the one thing that is a must. 

(And no, Max isn’t that much hurt because she didn’t ask him to stay or petty cause she doesn’t return the feelings, he’s upset cause no-one even came to say “good luck”, and his best friend didn’t even bother to get him the “good luck gift” - to him it’s like confirmation that they don’t care or appreciate him as a co-worker. It’s like his peer reviews... He’s said why he’s upset. And he’s not upset cause she doesn’t return his feelings, cause through her heart song he knows for a fact that she has romantic feelings for him + he noticed how she checked his body out (Mo’s makeover)...and that “she’s his”. He’s upset that even though she has feelings for him, she avoids them & him. And that she’s pursuing the engaged man, making him her second choice & no one wants to be the “other/second (wo)man””. She claims she can’t do more than friendship right now...cause of everything related to her dad & yet... she is pursuing more than friendship with the other guy... so once again she wasn’t honest with him... and that’s gotta hurt cause they’ve been BFFs forever...)

This latest episode, once again, used parallels...lots of them. 

Z: “You should know...what you did yesterday was really rough.”

M: “I was just..taking care of me. It wasnt personal.” 

Z: “When I told you aboout my powers, I also told you I was gonna be 100% honest with you, do you remember that? OK, so here’s the truth: I think it is personal. I think youre mad at me. Youre mad at me for not saying what you wanted to hear. And now youre trying to teach me some kind of a lesson.” 

M: “Oh, is that what you’re think?” 

Z: “That’s what I think. Why else would you take the 6th floor side? You’ve been there wor whoppin 2 days.”

M: “I dont know. Maybe because people actually like me on the 6th Floor. Do you know that Ava has said to me mor ein those 2 days than Joan  has in the last 5 years? Oh and it’s also a huge opportunity for me and my career. have you ever thought about that?” 

Z: “So you’re just gonna leave behind everybody that helped you get there? Is that the idea?” 

M: “See it how you wanna see it.” 

Z: “Nobody down here understands why Ava wanted you in the first place. Just FYI.” #ThisWasLowAndTotallyCruelThingsToSay

M: “Maybe it’s becase I’m a good person.” 

Z: “...or a very selfish one.” 

M: “YOU are calling ME selfish? Look... I have spent far too much time worrying about other peoples happiness more than my own. Especially yours. And I think that its finally time I focus on my own happiness for a change.” 

Once again the use dialogue about one relationship to parallel another relationship. If we change the words a bit & apply it in reverse, we get: 

M: “You should know...what you did yesterday was really rough.” [their 1x07/1x08 conforntation - her revealing she has feelings for him...but then taking back the words & running to another man... while claiming your focus has to be only on your dad]

Z: “I was just..taking care of me. It wasn’t personal.”

M: “When you told me about your powers, you also told me you were gonna be 100% honest with me do you remember that (Think back... have you really been that?)? OK, so here’s the truth: I think it is personal. I think you’re mad at Simon. You’re mad at Simon for not saying what you wanted to hear. And now youre trying to teach me/him some kind of a lesson.”

Z: “Oh, is that what you’re think?”

M: “That’s what I think. Why else would you avoid your best friend & obsess over an engaged man...while claiming you can’t deal with romance at this time when you should focus all your energy on your dad? You’ve known the new guy for a whopping 2+ months...compared to your best friend of 5 years.”

Z: “I dont know...:” 

M: “So you’re just gonna leave behind everybody that helped you get here (ditch your best friend, end your traditional movie nights together, dive into yet another overly complicated-exhausting for everyone-not good relationship with an engaged & grieving man...? You’re avoiding the most important man in our life = your dad, & dealing with your grief, you’re pushing away your best friend, whose always been there for you. And you’re opening up to a stranger instead of your best friend...and saying that’s a positive behaviour. Is that the idea?”

Z: “See it how you wanna see it.”

And Max’s decision in 1x09 & 1x10 was explained by Zoey's speech in 1x09..once again the two storylines are parallels as I already mentioned after last ep: 

Z: “I will never be “the other woman”. Nonetheless..I care about you. A lot. We have a chemistry & a bond that’s undeniable. And I guess I was hoping that after the kiss you’d have some clarity... about all of it. Clarity ... you still don’t have. And maybe never will. So... I have to make a change.... instead of just sitting around, and waiting...and hoping for something to happen...So..this is me...saying to you...officially... I can’t, and I won’t do this anymore. 

If we change the words a bit & apply that to M/Z, we get  why Max made his decision & what he’s really saying to her: 

M: “I will never be “the second choice (when youre my first...but clearly I am only 2nd choice for you)”. Nonetheless..I care about you. A lot. We have a chemistry & a bond that’s undeniable. And I guess I was hoping that after the heart song you’d have some clarity... about all of it. Clarity ... you still don’t have. And maybe never will. So... I have to make a change [move to 6th floor, putting distance between us].... instead of just sitting around, and waiting...and hoping for something to happen...that might never happen. So..this is me...saying to you...officially... I can’t, and I won’t do this anymore.”    

She is a complete mess & she still doesn’t realize the parallels. How what bothers her about Max’s behaviour (towards her) is exactly what bothers Max about her behaviour. If she feels she “has the right” to be upset with Simon over these things (no clarity, not telling her he likes her back), then she has to realize that her BFF also “has the right” to be upset with her...over the same things. And she keep projecting...her own fears and denial..into others. And I get what the writers wanted to say, but for me personally... it’s made me dislike the character, and the writing, and all, because I don’t really “understand” why she/writers would “excuse” it all with her grief making her “act crazy”. She keeps avoiding her best friend & her dad’s situation.

We know that it’s because with Max she’s got a lot to lose (the connection is deeper, there’s more to lose), while with Simon it feels “easy” and theres nothing to lose, cause they don’t have that deep connection. Just grief bond....which she keeps mixing with something other. And she doesn’t listen to reason from her friends: Mo, Max... and they can’t help her get through this all if she won’t let them in... 

And in the next eps...when THE DAY she’s been most scared of..arrives (her dad), shes gonna need her best friend, Max. And he’ll need her, cause he was close to Mitch, too. So they’re both gonna acively grieve. But before that they needed/need to “have hard conversations” and be completely honest with each other. The 1x10 “fight” was the turning point, now they just need time to figure things out...separately (as individuals, not as a duo) and realize...things. 

[talldren]

Steven's Mental Descent

So, basically I'm going to go through all the episodes we have so far in Future and see how we started in the THERAPY-needing department and where we are now.

Little Homeschool, we get a quick look at how things are going, Steven is making jokes about his identity crises, so that's a thing. He seems very chill, but as we saw with his chat with Amethyst, he has a small insecurity issue with Jasper. He goes to see her, they fight, and two things happen.

His powers emerge

She calls him out

Now, when she calls him out it clearly distresses Steven to the point his gem brings out the heavy weaponry, and I think it's safe to say that's what sparked this whole issue, really. So now, by the end of the episode, Steven has two big issues: he's now in unfamiliar new power territory, and he's insecure.

Next up, Guidance. Steven is mostly fine, but now since he's a bit insecure he's feeling a bit off, so when Amethyst presents her new idea (which is awesome) to him, he decides to improve it to boost self esteem (tho that's probably not how he sees it). Well, he broke the perfectly fine thing and now has to fix it with Amethyst. So with the help of super speed they save the day. Now, Steven has much biggy issues.

He's really insecure

His powers apparently affect fusions too (unfamiliar territory, again)

He has no plans for his future.

Rose buds. Oh, boooooy. He has no idea where to put his mom's portrait (how to view her) and then The Zoomans show up to show off their intergalactic cruise ship. Steven has that whole Rose Quartz hellstorm I'd rather not type out and ends up putting the portrait in lion's mane (shoving his complicated emotions to the back of his mind). So he's still insecure, he's repressing his emotions, he has no plans for his future and his new powers are still a problem. Great.

Volleyball, my trademark sport. Steven can't fix Volleyball's scar (insert insecurity). He goes to pearl, they go to the reef and everything goes to heck. The two pearls form mega pearl and bust out of that overgrown oyster. So after it all, Steven's powers are causing him too much trouble, he's repressing his emotions which are getting far too complicated, he has no plan for his future, and he's super insecure. Damn.

Bluebird. Fuck her. Steven is getting "pranked" and finds the prime suspect and obvious fusion of Team Rocket- *cough* sorry, Eyeball and Aquamarine. They do seemingly innocent stuff that doesn't seem too innocent to start with until Steven finally calms down. Then they threaten Greg. Greg makes the ultimate sacrifice for his son, losing the thing he cherished more than anything else (even you, Rose) and Steven drops the father bomb. Steven kicks ass, then those two get their shit together and fight well. The trio of mothers return and Alexandrite that bish nice and good. They blast off again and Greg mourns his hair (like most middle aged men with retreating hairlines). So now he's repressing emotions, his outbursts are getting more frequent, he has no plans for his future, and his insecurity is mixing with that good teen angst. Joy.

We are skipping that tease of an episode because nothing happens, just chalk it up to our boi is tired.

Snow day consists of Steven talking to his family about wanting them to view him as an adult, him hetting the break he needs, and far too much relatability for us teens. So, not much changes, good and fluffy.

Why So Blue is an uneventful ep in the stress spectrum.

Little Graduation. This. This is where it gets real. Steven is realizing that his friends are leading private lives he knows nothing about, that they're spending time doing their own things. And that they're slowly leaving him. His insecurities are doubled, his powers are more than troubling, he's repressing his thoughts and feelings hardcore after the incident, and now everyone has a future planned but him.

Prickly Pair. Steven finds a venting outlet in a cactus he brought to life. It grows up a troubled soul and a tattle tail. He is now repressing everything because he doesn't want the gems to freak, his insecurities are overwhelming, he has no control over himself, and he's being left behind.

In Dreams. Steven is getting desperate, he pushes himself out of his comfort zone to get peridot to stay, and luckily it's something as light-hearted as a reboot betrayl he doesn't think he likes. They end up hanging out normally after hugs and find it's all calmed down. A calm before the storm if I ever saw one.

Bismuth Casual, they go out, Steven can't human, and they work it out via awesome fusion skating. It's cute, but Steven's feelings aren't truly addressed by anyone but Bismuth, who provides a short pep-talk. Also, Connie, your boyfriend jokes about a vital part of his body being rippef out, obviously uncomfortable, and you smile and ignore him. WHY.

Together Forever. It all hits the fan, okay? It's too recent to recount the details. Steven's insecurities are sky rocketing, he feels more left behind than ever, Garnet's being high and mighty, and he probs just lost the love of his life. The man has hit a low.

Growing Pains. So now he's being left behind, he's so very insecure, he's already lost Connie (so he thinks, anyway), his powers destroyed a hospital (maybe full of patients, he doesn't know), and he's ruined his dad's tour. Well, at least Greg is supportive and kind.

But the next episode might be when the "van crushing" that audio leak mentions happens so, maybe that'll be a short lived comfort.

[linos-teeth]

i got tagged

in the 50 questions and the about me tag by @chngbok ty browse!! these are a lot of questions and idk who i want to bother with them (unless you wanna be bothered then consider yourself tagged) but in case you wanna know some random stuff abt me there’s a lot of that under the cut!

what takes too much of your time?

currently, fic writing for sure

what makes your day better?

uhhh ideas, music, skz (except lino bc he literally just makes me cry)

what is the best thing that happened to you today?

lino in the victory song dance practice? (wow there's a theme already)

what fictional place would you like to go to?

hmmmmm the arbor wilds, the crossroads, the forge, h-047c, watford

are you good at giving advice?

nah

do you have any mental illness?

uhhhh not theoretically (as in not diagnosed oops)

have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

luckily not

what musician inspired you the most?

boy i rly can't say, usually it's writers or games that inspire me and music not so much?

have you fallen in love?

most likely yeah

what’s your dream date?

idk man surprise me like...going out exploring and doing things i haven't done before that don't include any drugs or stuff also movies are good

what do others notice about you?

my hair (it's long)

what is an annoying habit that you have?

biting my uh...the skin next to my nails? and my lips? i guess?

do you still talk to your first love?

ha nah

how many ex’s do you have?

zero

how many songs are in your playlist?

i have 685 deezer faves

what instruments do you play?

piano, idk if recorder counts, used to play the oboe but...not any more

who do you have the most pictures of?

myself XD, my da/me chars, also random idol pictures for reaction memes

where would you like to go before you die?

uhhhhh a lot of places like...there's a lot of cities in europe i still wanna see and i wanna go back to paris and london and i also would love to visit like 294503 national parks in the us also maybe a desert (bc stars) and somewhere far north (for northern lights)

what’s your zodiac?

scorpio

do you relate to it?

nope

what is happiness to you?

just like...a content feeling? like...idk words for it but when you just stop and go like fuck this is rly good i'm rly comfy rn and not sad??? like just being good in your own skin?

are you going through anything right now?

not more than usual

what’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

i made a few sucky time management decision throughout my uni time and still am so i guess that

what’s your favorite store?

what's a store

what’s your opinion on abortion?

i don't rly think i get to say much abt it while i'm not in a position where i can talk yknow? you should be allowed to but i imagine it's tough as shit too

do you keep a bucket list?

nah

do you have a favorite album?

A FEW there's wildness by snow patrol and mania by fob and wild world by bastille and miroh (that's currently tho that shit changes a lot)

what do you want for your birthday?

my birthday isn't happening for a while and what i want i kinda need before so xD for my birthday i wish i could be with my family but i won't be able to :/

what are most people’s first impression of you?

uhhhhh awk i guess which is right, also rly smart and like...organised which is wrong

what age to you seem according to most people?

apparently like 16, i always get asked when i finish school

where do you keep your phone while sleeping?

on my bed next to my pillow, stuffed under some plushies

what word do you say the most?

idk honestly i don't talk much probably some expletive

what’s the oldest age would you date?

idk man i'm not rly attracted to ppl much older than me never have been if it ever happened they'd prolly be like 2 years younger oops that's like the norm with crushes

what’s the youngest age would you date?

oh uh see above i guess like...currently i'm 23 so like? not younger than 20?

what job/career do most people say sould suit you?

they don't rly say anything abt that xD

what’s your favorite music genre?

uhhh rock? alt stuff? i love some folk and some pop too and i'm a slut for lofi

if you would live in any country in the world, where would it be?

here tbh

what’s your current favorite song?

u h h probably still chronosaurus! doesn't look like it's leaving that spot any time soon oops

how long have you have this blog for?

a bit over a month now?

what are you excited for?

how pathetic is it if i say my summer course? idk just...smth new i guess i'm looking forward to it (not to being away from games and photoshop)

are you a better talker or a listener?

listener

what is the last productive thing you did?

i finished vacuuming the house today

what do you want for Christmas?

s h r u g

what classes do you get the best grades in?

language stuff, music

on a scale of 1-10 how are you feeling right now?

a 4? maybe?

what can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

idk man i wanna go into speech therapy so?? that? or research even? but i gotta get into the masters first rip

when did you first get your heartbreak?

oh dear. probably like...in kindergarten when my crush was an absolute ass (so far, 80% of them have been there's a theme) i was pathetic

at what age do you want to get married?

idk man i guess in like 100 years when someone finally decides they rly want to put up with this mess

what career did you want to have as a child?

florist, author, actress

what do you crave right now?

hugs? and drawing skill

1. How tall are you?

i'm jisung-sized

2. What color are your eyes?

hazel

3. What color and style is your hair?

uhhhh dark blonde would be the accurate desc prolly? it's like...blondebrowngoldish and too long and i usually braid it and i have a super messy fringe

4. Do you wear glasses?

no

5. Do you have braces?

luckily not!

6. What’s your fashion sense?

casual and basic with a dash of experimental and sometimes a bit cutesy

7. Full name?

8. When were you born?

long, long ago, too long ago

9. Where are you from and where do you live

germany!

10. What school(s) do you go to?

no more school for me, i'm going to university

11. What kind of student are you?

the one that kinda gets by far too well for procrastinating so badly (all i have to say in my defense is that i'm anxious as shit abt everything)

12. Do you like school?

i used to!! like...the last 3 and first 3 years were chill

13. Fav subject?

music, history, english, latin

14. Fav TV shows?

i rly only watch b99 but i would be careful calling it my favorite since like...3 eps ago

15. Fav books?

my current fave is less by andrew sean greer (aka it was my fave last autumn and i've read like 3 since and they weren't super great)

16. Fav pastimes?

uhhh writing gaming music and lately, giffing too!

17. Do you have any regrets?

a couple

18. Dream job?

i mean i do still wish i could just like...do smth artsy like be an author or an illustrator but i'm bad at writing and literally cannot draw at all so

19. Would you ever like to be married?

yes absolutely

20. Would you like to have children?

kinda yeah?

21. If so, how many?

2

22. Do you like shopping?

only for a limited amount of time

23. What countries have you visited?

denmark, norway, france, the uk, spain, italy, austria, slovakia, we also drove through switzerland like twice

24. Scariest nightmare you’ve ever had?

uhhhhhh basically all of the end of the world/war scenario dreams i've had?

25. Any enemies?

does myself count

26. Do you have a significant other?

nah

27. Do you get along with your family?

yeah? we're not super close but we don't hate each other

28. Do you believe in miracles?

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES WHERE YA FROM YOU SEXY THING no but rly i do

29. How are you?

not terrible

[transastronautistic]

I have some friends that watch the good doctor and I’ve only seen one episode but I wanted to know if you think it’s good representation of autism and if there is anything I should know before I watch it because it looks really good?

Ah yes hello!! Overall I think The Good Doctor is a fantastic portrayal of one autistic person – it does not try to represent All Autistic People, and that’s a good thing. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty great. I find a lot of Shaun’s actions and experiences very relateable as an autistic person.

I’ll start with some general content warnings so that you know what to watch out for when starting the show; then I’ll go through the pros and cons of its portrayal of autism.

Content warnings for the show:

Anti-autistic ableism. Other characters are often ableist towards Shaun. This is usually portrayed well, in my opinion – it’s what I would expect from other surgeons and from some patients when an autistic surgical resident comes into a hospital; but it’s not always fun to watch. As the season has gone on, ableism from the main characters has (mostly) decreased, luckily! They’re learning. However, spoilers for a later episode, one character pushes Shaun into a meltdown at one point

Abuse, animal cruelty. In some of the earliest episodes, there’s emotional abuse of Shaun by his dad as well as very cruel bullying from his peers, and there’s also brief animal cruelty.

Death of a sapphic woman. In one episode, a sapphic woman dies after being injured and we see her wife grief. That was really hard for me to watch; if you message me I can tell you which ep and give you more details.

Death and surgical gore stuff, as you would expect in a medical drama.

Weaknesses in its portrayal of autism:

Non-autistic actors and consultants. Shaun is played by Freddie Highmore, who is not autistic. It definitely would have been cooler to have an actually autistic actor. And the main “autism consultant” of the show is Melissa Reiner, who isn’t autistic herself but works with “families who have children on the Autism spectrum.” (The explanation of her work with autistic kids is not worded super great but at least aba isn’t mentioned, so hey, maybe her therapy is actually good?) Still, the portrayal of autism feels real and accurate enough that I’m surprised that the actor and consultant are not autistic; wherever they’re getting their information, it’s working for them.

Not a diverse portrayal of autism. Shaun is a white man, most likely cis and probably straight – just like most portrayals of autism already in fiction. Some people genuinely don’t realize that people other than white men can be autistic, and lack of diverse representation doesn’t help fight that misconception. The only other canonically autistic character so far was also white and male. (I do want to note that the actual show has a lot of racial diversity and some great female characters, though. So it’s not horrible in terms of overall diversity.)

Claiming Shaun has savant syndrome. I don’t think Shaun has any traits that can’t be explained simply by autism; they didn’t have to give him savant syndrome. I feel like they did it just to explain his high intelligence…as if autistic people…can’t be smart? idk. What do other autistic folks think about that?

Functioning labels are used in the show. I don’t recall Shaun ever calling himself high-functioning, but other characters sometimes call him that.

Infringements on Shaun’s agency. A character who is near and dear to Shaun keeps pushing Shaun to get a caregiver despite Shaun clearly not wanting one, and it’s annoying me. Still, if the overall message ends up being that this is a bad thing (the arch isn’t complete yet so I’m not sure if it will or won’t), then I’d move this point over to the show’s strengths.

Strengths in its portrayal of autism:

Switching between person first and identity first language. Since autistic people ourselves will often switch around saying we’re autistic, have autism, or are on the spectrum, I like that the characters switch around their language too. I tried to keep count of which language Shaun used most, I think it was fairly evenly split between have autism and autistic. 

Autistic traits without overdoing it. Some fiction crams a ton of traits into one character as if to be autistic you have to express the whole list of traits…I don’t feel like this show does that with Shaun. But here are some of the traits he does express:

 sensory overload – Shaun responds to unfamiliar and/or overwhelming environments by rocking or fiddling with his toy knife, and seems to be semi-verbal during them: unable to answer questions but able to reply to statements. He rocks when distressed.

special interests – it is clear that human anatomy is a special interest for Shaun; when a traumatic thing happens engaging in this interest is the only comfort he has. I write more on the show’s treatment of special interests in this post (with show spoilers).

routine

samefoods!

high spatial intelligence

difficulty understanding sarcasm and flirting

trouble expressing to others what he plans to do sometimes

uncomfortable with physical contact, though he usually tolerates it and at at least one point initiates it on his own terms

at least one shutdown and one meltdown are depicted

repeating phrases – some being instances of echolalia, others being an attempt to make people understand

fixation on what needs to be done; he calls it perseveration – he won’t stop thinking about a thing if it spikes his interest or seems out of place to him or is a puzzle to be solved

Stimming! The word stimming has only been used one time in the show so far; I do wish it was used more often, especially since the one instance of its use was for the behavior of the teen-aged autistic patient featured in one episode – that was an example of anxious, overwhelmed stimming, so it would be nice to have them use that word to name an instance of positive stimming as well, in my opinion. But anyway, whether or not they call it stimming Shaun stims a lot! It’s usually in more subtle ways, which gives me the feeling he’s been taught to repress more overt stims, which makes sense with his history of abuse and bullying. Some of his main stims include holding his hands folded, pacing, and rocking. When he’s upset or overstimulated he raises his hands near his head and at one point when melting down hits his head.

Breaking down some stereotypes.

Even though they call him “high functioning,” Shaun does not fit the usual definition of that label. He needs less support for some things, and more for other things. There are times when he is selectively verbal.

Shaun evinces deep compassion for people, which is nice when “emotionless, heartless robot” is a common stereotype about autistic people. At the same time, the way he expresses that compassion and his emotions is not a neurotypical way, and some characters miss it.

Shaun gets crushes and seems to have a sex drive. Fiction tends to make autistic characters completely desexualized or else over-sexualized in a creepy way (like in Netflix’s Atypical, where the guy doesn’t respect boundaries or consent). While I personally am not a fan of some of the ways they portray Shaun’s sexuality, it is cool that they’re trying to dismantle the usual stereotypes.

Shaun is able to establish meaningful relationships, contrary to a really hurtful stigma about autistic people. His relationship with his brother as a kid, his relationship with Dr. Glassman, and his friendship with Claire are some examples. Something I appreciate about his friendship with Claire is that she doesn’t expect him to make all the effort at communicating her way – she tries to communicate his way, too.

Portraying anti-autistic ableism as a civil rights issue. In the first episode, the discussion around whether an autistic person should be “allowed” to be a surgeon is framed as a civil rights issue – Aaron talks about how not long ago a Black surgeon or a woman surgeon would not have been accepted at the hospital, and it’s likewise bigoted to reject a surgeon simply for being autistic. He notes how the same arguments were used – did they have the emotional control, what would the patients think – to bar women and Black people that the hospital is now using against Shaun.

Do other autistic folks have any thoughts on the pros and cons of autistic representation in The Good Doctor?

[bending-sickle]

H’okay, I have a bone to pick with Dexter season 6 (eps. 11-12) which requires more words than previous exclamations of  “wtf” and “zomg”.

Now, this will revolve around incest framed in a real-world setting (and not, say, omg i need thor and loki to get down and dirty or but the delicious angst of sam and dean). 

Background: Dexter was fostered into Debra’s home at age 3 and officially adopted at age 7. Best reddit guess puts Debra at 4 years younger, but they are certainly close in their ages. This means that they have been siblings - and raised as such - for their entire lives.

Now, have some scenes*.

Michelle Ross, therapist: From what I do know about you, you feel things very deeply.  Like your bond with Dexter.  Where do you think that stems from?

Debra Morgan: Maybe because he's the only guy in my life that I haven't dumped, or cheated on, or isn't dead.

Michelle: Is it possible that your feelings for Dexter are the reason that you've chosen men in the past who have been either inappropriate or unavailable?

Debra: Because they're what? Not Dexter? That's insane.

Michelle: Is it?

Debra: He's my brother.

Michelle: Yet you're not biologically related.

Debra: So?

Michelle: It would be understandable, given the past traumas the two of you have shared, for you to develop complex feelings for him.

Debra: Why the fuck are we even talking about this?

Michelle: You mentioned Dexter. He comes up in these sessions a lot. Aren't you curious as to why that is?

Debra: He's a huge part of my life. That's it. End of story.

Michelle: You getting upset?

Debra: Fuck, yes, I'm becoming upset, because you're making it sound like I want to be with him or something.

Michelle: Well, do you?

Debra: Look I love my brother, but I am sure as shit not in love with my brother, if that's what you're getting at. We're done here.

Can I get a big fuck you to the therapist apparently suggesting and encouraging their patient consider an incestual relationship with their sibling? On zero grounds? Because, again, they were raised from toddlerhood as siblings, have always considered each other as siblings, and what the fuck does them not being biologically related have to do with anything. How the frick frack fuck would it be understandable?! For them?! To?! Develop complex feelings?! Incesty feelings?!?

The Westermarck effect, or reverse sexual imprinting, is a hypothetical psychological effect through which people who live in close domestic proximity during the first few years of their lives become desensitized to sexual attraction. This phenomenon was first hypothesized by Finnish anthropologist Edvard Westermarck in his book The History of Human Marriage (1891) as one explanation for the incest taboo. Observations interpreted as evidence for the Westermarck effect have since been made in many places and cultures, including in the Israeli kibbutz system, and the Chinese Shim-pua marriage customs, as well as in biologically-related families.

[...]

When proximity during this critical period does not occur—for example, where a brother and sister are brought up separately, never meeting one another—they may find one another highly sexually attractive when they meet as adults or adolescents, according to the hypothesis of genetic sexual attraction. This supports the theory that the populations exhibiting the Westermarck effect became predominant because of the deleterious effects of inbreeding on those that did not.

There is so much else to unpack here.

First of all, understanding her relationship with her brother was not the reason why Debra went into therapy, nor is it something she laid out as something to deal with. This is the therapist simply going, “Hey, you talk about your brother a lot - maybe you’re secretly in love with him.”

Which, okay, way to completely misunderstand a sibling relationship much?

Also? How fucked up would your patient be if you told them, “hey, it’s not technically incest” and encouraged them to follow this train of thought? When they never showed any inkling of it?  I mean, way to potentially harm their relationship with their sibling and sole remaining family member.  

So cue Debra being all messed up about this, and then having a romantic or sexual dream featuring Dexter, then having so. much. awkwardness with her sibling. 

Then this:

Debra: Dex! I got a report that your boat had washed ashore.

Dexter: I'm OK. I'm OK.

Debra: Kept calling your cell phone, there was no answer. God, you can't keep doing this to me. I've almost lost you twice. I love you.

Dexter: I love you, too.

Debra: You do?

Dexter: Of course I do.

Debra: I don't think you've ever said it before.

Which leads us to this:

Michelle: Debra, we can schedule a time. 

Debra: I told him. I fucking told my brother that I love him, and he said "I love you" back. Not, "Me, too," or something like that. He actually said, "I love you."

Michelle: Wow.

Debra: That's big, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, I don't think he understood that I'm in love with him, but still, he said the actual words for the first time.

Michelle: So what do you think it means?

Debra: I don't know what the fuck it means. That's why I'm here. Is this just horribly wrong? 

Michelle: Does it feel wrong? 

Debra: It makes my whole life every man I've ever loved, make sense. It's like I've always been looking for someone like Dexter or someone who's the opposite of Dexter as a way to avoid the fact that I'm in love with him. That's just clear to me now, and I want it to be clear to him. I want him to understand.

Michelle: OK. You want to tell him how you feel in a way that he can hear you.

Debra: Yes. Is this how it feels to be in control of your emotions?

Michelle: But you can't control his. You don't know how he's going to react.

Debra, darling, love. The words “I love you” are not magical, and can indeed be uttered platonically. As between siblings. Which you two are.

And Does it feel wrong? lady: what the fuck. It’s her brother? Brooothhhhheerrr. Of course it’s doing her head in, biologically related or not,

Also, ahaha, talk about a theory that can’t go wrong: “I've always been looking for someone like Dexter or someone who's the opposite of Dexter”. So, like, that’d include every single possible male. Every human male on the planet would fall in one of those two mutually-exclusive fields and would thus confirm your theory? I just???

And ffs, “You want to tell him how you feel in a way that he can hear you.” Maybe talk to your fucking patient a bit fucking more about all this - how she feels, what kind of fall out she can expect, whether confronting him is a thing she even wants to do...

I’m just agog with the huge mess of terrible therapy right here I can’t even.

eta: As for “inappropriate or unavailable” boyfriends, Brian was a fucking catch. He was totally appropriate and available. (Sure, he also happened to be a serial killer, but she didn’t know that, so her choosing him had nothing to do with him being ~inappropriate or unavailable~.)  I’ll give you Anton the unofficial CI as inappropriate, although that inappropriateness didn’t last.

* Full transcript here.

[wits-writing]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Season 3 Ep 7: “Getting Over Jeff” review

[My other Crazy Ex-Girlfriend reviews here]

While Rebecca starts learning to go outside of her comfort zone, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend gives the main spotlight to Paula when she returns home to Buffalo, NY and runs into her high school boyfriend. Back in West Covina, Darryl and White Josh come to terms with the impasse their relationship is at. “Getting Over Jeff” is an overall lighter episode than the last few of this season have offered, which is welcome after how heavy the season has gotten.

[Full review under the cut]

Paula spends this episode reflecting on her role as a supporting player in other people’s lives. She spends all her time as a wife, mother, paralegal, law student or helping Rebecca. Once she feels she doesn’t need to be by Rebecca’s side constantly, she tries to reenter her family life and finds that Scott and her sons have developed a routine that phases her out. Scott says that even if she’s done needing to be there for Rebecca, she’ll eventually finding something else to take up her time, it won’t be her family and he gets that. With that in mind, she ends up going to Buffalo to look after her father with Rebecca in tow.

As soon as she gets there her dad sends her out to buy him more vodka. While she’s at the store she ends up coming across “her Josh Chan”, her high school boyfriend Jeff. When a store clerk asks what he means to her, she ends up expressing it in a musical homage to ABBA called “First Penis I Saw.” The song is a joyful number about Paula’s earliest sexual experience and how life changing it felt. The grocery store around her transforms into a space where all the products are cardboard cutouts with “Jeff” on the labels with the notable exception of a sign saying, “Suggestive Vegetables 50% Off.” She and her backup performers, the store clerk and a random older woman, end up singing into those suggestive vegetables and sneaking around the store to look at Jeff as Paula reminisces about the first time she saw his penis and what she did after. (“I didn’t know what to do next. I didn’t have that part planned. He said, “Let me show you some basic moves.” And then he took my hand!”) It’s a hilariously catchy number and performance to get across why Paula hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Jeff since he broke up with her “in the parking lot after we saw Fried Green Tomatoes.”

After Jeff and her start talking at the store, he starts telling her how he never met anyone as interested in cars as her and that he’s restoring an old Camaro. With Rebecca hitting it off so well with her dad, she decides to take Jeff up on his offer and goes to his garage. Seeing her be flirty with the one guy she never got over has Paula acting relaxed and happy in a way we don’t get very often for her character. She does end up playing support to everyone else in her life most of the time. Her indulging the past a little is nice for her and put into further contrast with how she usually is when Rebecca describes her as “everyone’s big spoon.” It’s after working with Jeff on the car for a couple nights and they start dancing that Jeff starts to go in for a kiss. She turns him down and realizes that’s all she wanted out of him, to know that they have similar regrets. With that sense of closure, she’s able to return to her old life without it feeling like a consolation prize.

Rebecca starts the episode three weeks into her therapy treatments. She’s putting a lot of herself into the literal textbook work of getting better, which goes along with her tendency towards overachieving. Dr. Shen tells her that putting so much of herself into the work of her therapy, trying to be an A-student, isn’t what she needs to do to get better. He tells her to get comfortable living at a “C+”, stop being hard on herself and start taking steps back into her life outside of the “therapy bubble.” When Paula tells her about the trip to Buffalo, she jumps on that as a chance to get out and do something adventurous. Before she leaves, she talks with Nathaniel briefly about their feelings for each other and says she wants to be with him but doesn’t know if the therapy books would allow it (an interesting parallel with Greg’s hesitation to go to Emory last season while he’s in AA.)

When she gets to Buffalo, she ends up hitting it off with Paula’s dad, Bob played by Eddie Pepitone. Hanging out with him turns out to be exactly what she needed to get out of her comfort zone as she finds his surly nature charming. She drinks shots and watches conservative news with him, even laughs at his wildly tone-deaf sense of humor at several points. After a day of hanging out with Bob, she gets a late-night text from Nathaniel that she ends up turning into a sexting session. While she still has her moments of self-doubt over doing all these things, Bob tells her to just live those moments out having fun. That someone so unlike Rebecca turns out to be exactly who she needed in her life at this moment is hilariously perfect. She ends up expressing her feelings about this in a Shirley Temple style number called “My Friend’s Dad.” It’s a giddy expression of how much she doesn’t have to worry about how Bob acts since she’s not related to him.

Back in West Covina, Darryl is confronted by his daughter, Madison, about how he hasn’t been able to break up with White Josh since they realized they’ll never be able to agree on having a baby together. This episode does end up marking the end of their relationship as Madison ends up putting them in a situation where they have no choice but to talk about how they can’t move forward with such a big thing they disagree on. Seeing these two break up, especially with what it’s meant for the show since they got together, isn’t easy but it will all come down to how the show follows up on it with both characters.

(It’s also weird how two completely different CW shows, this and Supergirl, had their respective queer couples break up over the exact same issue.)

Josh Chan is dealing with his own path forward and feeling lost, especially since he’s on indefinite suspension from his job since Rebecca framed him for stealing. He’s offered a bartending job at Homebase and ends up taking it as his chance to be a “big boy.” Him trying to make the job “cooler” by doing bar tricks he learned from YouTube tutorials is hilarious to watch as he seems so sure of himself doing all of it. He gets a wakeup call about how this doesn’t improve anything for him when he ends up getting a staff infection by popping a pimple after handling dirty dishes. The puss from the infected area of his face popping out is a variety of gross-out humor that I don’t find entertaining, so that being the punchline his story this episode built to is a little disappointing. But by the end of this he seems ready to try to be more mature.

“Getting Over Jeff” ends up being a wider view into how the characters on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend can function outside of anything with Rebecca old stories concerning Josh, right down to the title. There’s other good bits I haven’t mentioned yet; like Paula’s final talk at the end of the episode with Scott about how she wants to be with her family more in the future, Rebecca telling Paula she doesn’t need to be her big spoon (because same-size spoons fit best together) and Rebecca finally being ready to have sex with Nathaniel again. The episode ends on Rebecca recapping what her weekend was like with Dr. Shen and saying that just being human without needing to be the absolute best or worst feels good. It’s a great note of progress for her and we’ll see how she continues this path when the show returns in the new year with “Nathaniel Needs My Help.”

[onestowatch]

Jez Dior Wants to Be for Others What Eminem Was for Him [Q&A]

Growing up, you’re constantly finding those idols to look up to. Someone you want to be like, someone you resonate with. Whether it’s a parent, athlete, actor, musician, you have that person you aspire to be. For Jez Dior, it was artists like Eminem and 50 Cent who let him know he wasn’t alone. Now, Jez is on a life mission to pay it forward to fans who are going through similar struggles he was living through not too long ago and evidently still dealing with today.

With over 50 million streams to date, Jez Dior is using his platform to spread a hopeful message. Jez touches the hearts of millions of fans daily delivering the simple yet necessary moral that you’re not alone. His music as a therapeutic outlet to channel through, a shoulder to lean on during your time of need and despondency.

Jez recently released his debut full-length album Handle With Care earlier this fall. The album touches on losing loved ones, life struggles, and heartbreak. We were able to sit down with Jez and get to know why he creates music that resonates with so many.

Ones to Watch: Who is Jez Dior? Take us back to the beginning.

Jez Dior: I started making music around 11 or 12. I basically would go in my mom’s car and record on this little, tiny voice recorder, saying raps that I had written when I was super young. I was just, like, obsessed with Eminem and 50 Cent at the time and wanted to do everything they were doing. I started writing music around that time, and ever since then, it just became an obsession of mine. That really grew me into the artist I am today.

Do you remember the first song you ever wrote?

No, but my mom has a bunch of lyrics of mine that I used to write. I used to write them on white computer paper, and I just never threw them away. I used to literally write as if I was in G-Unit and like some gangster from New York shit, like from Jamaica, Queens. I used to just emulate what 50 Cent and Lloyd Banks were talking about. it’s very embarrassing to read that, but it’s hilarious.

That is gold. Tell us a bit about your musical journey thus far.

J: I’ve always been innovative when it comes to music. I use music as a form of therapy; it really helps me get my feelings out. I’ve always been super personal when it comes to writing, and I haven’t been scared to show that side of me to the world. Early on, I would write a lot about when my dad left. My dad left when I started writing around 11 or 12. So, the content on my earlier projects sort of kept going in that direction and are a lot darker I’d say. It was a much darker time in my life when I first started actually putting out music. 

With that being said, I think people were really able to relate to the content of the songs. That’s what really kick-started my career. I was just putting out music and talking about things I was going through, and in turn, I think people were going through or had been going through, similar things throughout their life. I think I was able to build a core fanbase off of those earlier projects. A lot of those kids still ride with me ‘til this day. Fast forward to today, things are a lot different, being with a label and having multiple people on your team. It’s just been an ever-changing story, and one that’s still developing, you know?

Definitely. What would you say is the biggest self-realization you’ve had during your career? 

I’m sort of an anxious person. Growing up, I was always pretty timid. When it comes to music, I’ve found this fearless side of myself. I’ve always been very honest in my music. So, throughout my career, when it comes to my art and making music, I’ve always just been careless. There’s really nothing about myself that I’m scared to showcase or provide to my fans.

How does it feel to know your music has impacted so many people?

It’s honestly still crazy to me to this day. Since my music has such a personal tone to it, I’ve been getting so many messages from kids all over the world throughout my whole career, but it still blows my mind to this day. I was at dinner with my homie, and this person named their cat after me. I get messages of people who got “Funeral Crew” tattooed, which is what my fans call themselves. Or just that my music has saved their life. Everytime I get a little message like that from anyone about anything, it still is mind-blowing. Just to see the words that I write and record reach the distances that they do is just mind-blowing, and quite frankly the reason I keep making music.

That’s amazing man! I can only imagine how it must feel to have someone look up to you as a hero. It must be such a rewarding feeling.

Yeah, I mean, that’s what I define success as. If it is just one person reaching out to me saying I saved their life, that alone is success to me. But the fact that I literally get messages every single day while I check my DM requests on Instagram, it’s just like paragraphs on paragraphs about how and why my music means so much to them. It’s really really cool and humbling.

Take me through your writing and recording process. 

It all starts with production. So, that just depends on who I’m working with that given day. For a long time, and my first couple of EPs, I worked with one dude. His name is Danny Score; he did all my earlier stuff. So our process was kind of just like, you know, we’d have a conversation about what’s going on in my head and where I’m at. Like I said, it’s always been a form of therapy for me, and my music has always been real to what I’m going through at any given time. From there, we’d always pick up a guitar and I’d tell him what I like and don’t like. That’s really where I learned how to form a song, just working with him.

I carry that same vibe with me today when I’m in the studio. I don’t play any instruments, but I’m always very hands-on. It’s always different depending on who I’m working with, but I do work with mostly people who know me well on a personal level still. My dude Chris Wallace, Rome from Sublime, and Matt Radosevich are all close friends of mine and did my whole first album. 

Walk me through the process of your debut album, Handle With Care, and where did the name come from?

J: Yeah so, I came up with the name because the album to me is basically myself wrapped up in to a very fragile package, you know? I start the album off talking about suicide that has happened within my family, my mom’s depression, my dad’s drug abuse, and how it affected my little sister. There’s been overdoses in my family; My uncle passed away in my bedroom, in my bed when I was younger. Just all of the shit that I’ve been through in my life, I really take head-on in the album, so I just came up with the name because I really feel like I want people to handle it with care. 

As for the process, it was really just a lot of conversations discussing what I want to talk about, how far I want to go with the stories that I feel like need to be heard. It was a lot of that before the recording process started, and that continued on throughout. But yeah, it was just a super personal album. I think we have some hits on there. We got some sad songs. I think there’s something for everybody. I couldn’t be more happy with the way it came out.

I’m a huge fan of the album, specifically your song “Please Don’t Go.” I really resonate with it on a personal level. Can you tell me a bit about that song and why it was the first single released off the album?

Thanks man, that means a lot. You know it’s funny, I think I’m guilty of the thing that a lot of artists are guilty of, and it’s your new song is always your favorite. That was the last song I recorded for the album, and also the song that was resonating with me at the time of my ex and I breaking up prior to writing and recording that song. I felt like I needed to get that song out for my own healing. I also just really love the song. Chris Wallace and I spent a couple of days working on it and it was the last song we submitted for the album. I don’t know; I really love that song. Not only you, but a lot of people can connect with that song.

No doubt. What’s the overall message you want to get across to your fanbase?

J: Just that you’re not alone. There are so many times that I’ve felt that I’m alone in my feelings and that I don’t have anywhere to turn or go to. I just want my fans to know that they’re definitely not alone and things do get better. That’s why I try to go so deep, honest, and really dive deep down to get to what I’m feeling when I’m making music. That’s basically what Eminem did for me. I could relate to him so much when I was younger, he made me feel like I wasn’t alone with what I was going through. I want to be able to give back and give these kids the same sort of feeling. There are people out there going through the same thing they’re going through. Things do get better. There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

[gizkasparadise]

Kdrama Review: Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo

Master Kdrama rec list.

Series: Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo Episodes: 16 (~1h each) Genres: Sports, Romance, Comedy, Friendship, College/University Spoilers in the Review: Nope! If You Like, You’ll Like: Bend It Like Beckham, Oh My Venus, Fight For My Way, Shopping King Louis, Sassy Go Go, slice of life, sports, friends-to-lovers Rank: 9.5/10

"SWAG!”

Premise.

Kim Bok Joo is a university student majoring in weightlifting. As she starts to train and compete for the big leagues in her sport, she re-meets a former childhood classmate named Jung Joon Hyung, who is now a student majoring in swimming and suffering from false-start anxiety. 

The show follows Kim Bok Joo as she falls in love, tries to figure out what she wants out of life, and competes for gold medals in weightlifting.

Characters.

Kim Bok Joo.

Our hero! Kim Bok Joo attends college and sometimes part-times at her father’s chicken restaurant, where she lives with her father (a former weightlifter himself) and uncle when she’s not in the dorms. 

total dork with an exterior of #gainz. Does even lift. Will tear up the club with her signature flailing baby giraffe moves. #SWAG, #LilJonWHAT

Jung Joon Hyung.

a former childhood classmate of bok joo’s, he eventually becomes one of her closest friends. a competitive swimmer, he’s had multiple false-starts at the beginning of meets which have cost him medals and a spot on the national team. his arc on the show deals with him overcoming past trauma related to his family.

aquaman. wishes on a magic fountain for luck. believes in matching outfits and accessories. will keep buying you snacks until you talk to him. might use you as a human shield once or twice.

Jung Jae Yi. Joon Hyung’s older brother slash cousin (no, not like that!), who works as an obesity doctor. super sweet and nice, he becomes kim bok joo’s first real crush. his smile and laughter are the cutest fucking things i’ve ever witnessed. he’s like a human Carebear. just a straight up Good Dude (though damn clueless and Unable To Read A Room).

Song Shi Ho

Kim Bok Joo’s dormmate, who is majoring in rhythmic gymnastics. And also Joon Hyung’s ex-girlfriend (#oops). essentially dumping joon hyung (and also, like, her whole fucking life) to focus on her training, shi ho is doing everything she can to make the national team. think that one intense ballet student in Center Stage. 

Review.

this is the ultimate example of the friends-to-lovers trope executed well.

Drawbacks.

probably my main one: shi ho’s story never feels resolved. we get moving toward that closure, but by the last 2-3 eps she’s pretty much phased out of the drama. super bugged me 

kim joo’s dad is...kind of a huge asshole? he came at her with a broom/was threatening and scary in a few episodes and the narrative never calls it out the way it should imo

sweet jung jae yi <3 ilu but i did not care a whole lot for any of your subplots. the actor was great but felt really underwritten

Reasons to Watch.

like i said, this is like the epitome of friends-to-lovers tropery. if that’s your jam you need to watch this. the leads have great chemistry (the actors are now even dating IRL!) and the character development between them is honestly one of my favorites in kdrama. it’s a ship that actually feels like they have a good, solid friendship as the foundation

plus, they lowkey start matching outfits.

friendship!! the core of the drama is all about kim bok joo and her friends, and by extension, her weightlifting team. her and her bros are great and entertaining as hell

sports! weightlifting!! the show is all about kim bok joo trying to find out what she wants out of life / navigate being an athlete and it made my former jock heart happy how some of the issues with that were tackled (weigh ins, training over life, etc.)

hilarious! it’s a romcom at the heart of it. super funny and cute moments-- good for those sick days

health & body! body image and health are handled well imo, especially the positive depiction of therapy and the honest portrayals of stress in competitive athletics 

Final Thoughts.

perfect if you’re looking for that feel-good show, a straightforward and adorable drama.