#in reality it's prob not that big a decision but it sure felt like one

[princekirijo]

Really am my own worst enemy sometimes

[imaginespazzi]

Hi hi hi!

Reporting live and procrastinating responsibilities :). So heres my rundown, pretty much matchy matchy w yours, naturally: Generally the video vibes almost 💯 fit with the allegations 🙃. Please bear w the rambling thoughts in no particular order. Im not sure how one could possibly cohesively recap ALL THAT lol. Ok it blows my mind how much they personally had to catch up on w one another! God damn babes, you havent talked much if at all in nearly a month. Again it screams that there was more of a relationship (ending poorly).. Even friends moving apart prob wouldve had more contact over that time. Sometimes I wonder how they dont realize what they reveal by what they leave ~unsaid/not explained! Though G’s “really bad breakup” comment felt weighted given their situation. To me much of the injury discussion came across as carry over from the In The Mirror. With G making a point to say nice things (good memories of playing together;tearing up when Liz got hurt; not being wholly herself as a player w/out Kitley;the frustration at team reaction after the game following the injury; belief that Liz will recover/be drafted etc.). And G’s words still feel to me like a way of her dealing with some guilt which she cant quite yet express or process. Especially considering her adding stuff about being w the Kitley fam lately and helping move Liz’s stuff ha. If a person ever questioned something going down between L&G, I’ll say alarm bells went off when L described her night following the injury and staying over w Cayla. In such a low moment, poor girlie really couldnt manage being at her own place thats shared w one of her closest pals. Ooof. However, on the whole, they sounded more comfortable at times than I expected. In fact the convo sometimes got surprisingly open and loose - gals dont tell me that we had a bit of liquid courage before recording. ;) And it did stand out to me that L asked the “fans” on multiple occasions to just be decent and grateful for what they had + be understanding of decision making under the situation, but stopped short of telling people to leave G alone (which, given everything we’re led to believe, fair play hun). My big takeaway was that they seem to be taking this time of big adjustment as also a new beginning to possibly recover a friendship. Clearly theres still issues to work thru, but perhaps theyve reached a more settled/amicable place? Or at least were just able to deal w each other long enough to provide us all w a semi closure pod 😐. But heres hoping for more future content, as they hinted at! Oh and as someone who works w/in college athletics, I was very sympathetic to their comments throughout re change. Its a crazy industry, stuff happens in the blink of an eye and you do just have to deal with that ish. The harsh reality of the current state of things is that one rarely gets a neat, happy closure.

Happy Sunday to you bestie, hope its fantastic! -☕️

Reporting live and procrastinating is so real, like me asf fr fr.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. Like they seemed so out of the loop when it came to each other's life and that's just so weird to me? I mean I get it could just be regular friends drifting but that wasn't the ~vibe~ at all to me and maybe again it's the allegations bias but it was just very much giving exes.

Hardcore agree with the Georgia stuff because I thought some of what she was saying felt a bit like an overcompensation, an apology of sorts to make up in a way for anything else that *might* have happened. Honestly Georgia being so nice, no shade, doesn't really fit the dynamic from before where sometimes Georgia's snark was just mean to me really.

Every new bit of info/content, I just continue to feel terrible for Liz. And I think her staying at Cayla's really gave away the depth of how much has happened between her and Georgia. And again yeah it could be a friend breakup but it just feel a little too serious for that.

Obviously I don't know a timeline, if there even is one, but this podcast gave me the vibes that if they were together, it's actually been a decent while since they broke up and are now in a place where they can co-exist in an amicable manner. I don't know if we'll ever get another podcast or if they'll actually be able to be in a genuine friendship again but I think they're in a good enough place and I do love that for them.

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

1/2 so i’ve been dealing with (read ignoring) an ankle/foot injury for a number of weeks/months. i kept telling myself it was fine because there’s no bruising etc and i was marathon training and had consulted with a pod who showed me how to strap etc. in reality it’s not getting better and it’s been about 10 weeks since the original injury. the marathon has been cancelled. ive pulled back on training but i think i probably need a proper rest... i’m scared that ill put on weight but ashamed that

2/2 this is my fear because i am the first to say it does not matter and weight fluctuates etc etc which i DO believe but i also have a history of anorexia and disordered eating and find change hard. also im scared of losing fitness and having to start again.. i don’t really know what my question is. tell me to take time off? going to try and get a go app & mri scan for see if there’s any visible damage to ankle/foot but don’t know that i’ll be able to with all the restrictions atm... sigh.

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okay hi I weirdly love that you sent me this message, don’t get me wrong that is a shitty spot to be in and I’m sending you a big hug, BUT I feel like I could have literally written this myself I resonate SO much so....hopefully because of that I can say something somewhat useful.

First of all. Take a break. I mean it. Just stop everything for like...a week to start (obviously longer is fine too, but a week might seem less terrifying at first). That doesn’t mean oh I’ll take a break from running but bike 20 miles a day...no! I am also someone who has an EXTREMELY hard time giving myself permission to rest (aside from my rest day) because I will internally debate until the end of time over whether or not it’s necessary etc. etc. and honestly I get a huge sense of relief when a medical professional tells me to take a break because I’m like oh okay cool this is literally their career they know what they are talking about and I’m listening to their advice. BUT especially if you are injured and you ARE injured from what I am hearing here even if you do not technically have the scans to prove it yet, you NEED to rest. If you keep going and pushing through the pain you are going to dig yourself deeper and deeper into the hole and it is going to take WAY longer to dig yourself out. Also, especially given your ED history, I would be extra precautious about handling injuries and ensuring proper recovery. Obviously I know literally nothing about your injury or your ED background, but I would not take a lack of bruising to mean that it’s nothing serious (I’m not trying to scare you here but I feel like sometimes we need to have someone just shove the truth in our face so here you go). If it is something like a stress fracture for instance (which again, I have NO idea the details of your issue so maybe it isn’t), then you might not *see* anything but your bones would LITERALLY BE BREAKING and the more you run on that the more you are breaking them down and the recovery could move from just needing a few weeks rest to needing surgery. Not to mention the long term damage you would be doing to your body. Something I had to really, really come to terms with after I got my stress fracture was realizing I had been underfueling for YEARS and even if I wasn’t actively trying to restrict myself, I had gotten used to not eating enough and that meant my bones were breaking down more and more every. single. day. and it is easiest to build bone density when you are young and gets progressively more difficult as you age so the choices you make today are going to affect you deeply in the future. It’s easy to see it as just one extra run or one skipped snack but the truth is that for those of us who buy into those things we never really stop at one, and all of those “just this one time”s add up. And it’s not good. This past summer I forced myself to take a week off of literally everything not because anything was physically wrong but because I realized I was exercising way too much and significantly undereating and I knew I was on the fast track to hurting myself and causing long term damage.

To your second point about fear of gaining weight- first of all I have so, so, so much respect for you for being able to admit that fear because realistically a lot of us have it, I certainly dealt with it when I was injured, and even if we rationally know that in the grand scheme of things it ~doesn’t matter~ the truth is that coming from an ED background the thought of weight gain is probably going to cause some anxiety! like you said I could talk all day about why gaining weight doesn’t matter and you are more than a number etc. etc. but you and I both already know that. Maybe this is a problematic approach that I’m about to share but honestly if someone had told me this when I first found out about my stress fracture it probably would have relieved anxiety and especially given these wild times I think relieving anxiety is prob a good thing- when I had my stress fracture I didn’t workout for four months. Literally NOTHING. no cross training. no swimming. no biking. no walks. I was on crutches. I literally had to be driven to class. My activity level was at a -12. I ate almost exactly the same as when I wasn’t injured (which, led me to learn I was DEFINITELY under eating), and I gained MAYBE like....5 pounds or less (or maybe none at all it honestly was probably 99% in my head). Literally not enough for anyone at ALL to notice except for me because my pants felt a tiny bit tighter. This honestly made me question a lot of things. For one, I knew I needed to really up my intake when I was allowed to be active again. Two, I started to reallllly question WHY I felt the need to do all this activity if being completely inactive didn’t lead to my body changing much. It made me realize how much I underlyingly relied on exercise to micromanage my body. It was a lot to think about.

ALSO. I didn’t get my period regularly for about 4 years and once that stress fracture hit I made it my MISSION to get it back (and I did!) because that is a huge red flag and I knew that if I wasn’t getting it, that once my bone healed even if I was cleared to run again I was just on track to get another injury because sure maybe THAT injury healed but my shitty bones were still shitty and that meant another injury was just as likely. I decided that gaining a little weight (whatever that meant) was critical  because I would much rather be a few pounds heavier than constantly switching between running and injured. Also, more importantly, I want to be able to be active throughout my whole life and if your bones are shit at 21 (when I got my stress fracture) you are probably going to be really f**ked once you are actually the age that people’s bones start to deteriorate. 

The most important thing I have learned is that everything you do in terms of over exercise/under eating has HUGE LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES and it is SO easy to ignore that when you are in the thick of it because often you don’t feel those consequences until years later but listen, you do not want to wait for things to get really bad before you decide to start trying to truly, properly recover.

It’s really easy to get caught in that inbetween place of not doing horribly but also definitely not feeling as free as you could when it comes to food/body stuff. Ask yourself WHY you are scared of gaining weight and like I said, operating under the assumption that we know weight gain is okay etc. etc., realistically your body is probably not going to go through some wild change if you just take a break. Think about it, most people barely exercise and they eat whatever and they are all FINE! It’s easy on the internet/social media to feel like everyone is out running 23498239432 miles and eating kale or whatever but most people really aren’t like that and they are getting along just fine.

Also, something that helped me was realizing that I really do not want to spend my whole life constantly terrified that if I eat too much or take a break or whatever my body is going to change etc. etc. and I realized that if i don’t want to spend my whole life worried about that then at SOME POINT I was going to have to just start living how I wanted to because 1. once you start living how you want to you realize the world does not in fact end and you can have your cake and eat it too (ha). and 2. you aren’t going to just suddenly wake up one day and not care about these things anymore, if you really want to be free from it you need to make a conscious effort to live the life you actually want, not the one that is stemmed in fear

In the past year I have grown SO much in terms of food/exercise. And my body has literally not changed. I was holding on so tightly to this perceived control that was entirely unnecessary. Your body is designed to want to stay generally the same (unless of course you are currently in an unhealthy spot) and when you just chill out for a sec you realize that your body is capable of doing naturally what you thought you had to be micromanaging and taking care of all along. 

I will leave you with a quote that I heard one time somewhere (how’s that for a source) “You have a lot more to gain than you do to lose”

By letting your body heal

By not making decisions out of fear of gaining weight

By eating what you want

etc.

This was long af and I may have rambled but I hope it helps. Like I said, I’m not trying to scare anyone but also sometimes feeling a little bit of that “oh shit wtf am I doing” feeling is the kick in the butt you need. (but I know it is super duper hard and I am sending you all the love and support and also hoping your foot is something minor)

So yes, take a break, talk to your dr, be super honest with them. When I had my stress fracture my dr and pt were both like ok here’s the deal- rest and eat a lot of food. so I would advise that ;)

[deliverydefresas]

masters of the scene

I know it’s been like, a century, but better late than never amirite? Happy birthday to this fic and thank you to everyone who’s still reading it. I love you all. 

I re-read it twice but honestly this probs has as many mistakes as if I hadn’t lmao. In case you don’t remember / have missed a part:  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 + 6.5 | 7 | 8 | (this one will be considered 9.3 since there’s two more parts to be posted)

♥

AU: Matteo Balsano is a famous singer who has been crushing on this one girl he saw every day behind a window many years ago, back when he first started recording his debut album and inspired his first big hit, Princesa. Luna Valente, professional Olympic skater turned actress is at a local (and very popular) talk show to promote her breakout movie. This is where it all starts.

♥

When someone mentioned the words bachelorette party, Luna pictured women enjoying themselves, lots of bottles of alcohol, games that are fun after five drinks, and maybe a stripper or two. She, definitely, didn’t imagine herself in a corner, scared of facing the bride’s tantrum. No joke here, she’d seen Yam’s cousin crossing herself before she informed her they’d gotten the tablecloths they’d ordered for the wedding, a silent prayer to keep the already stressed bride calm. But, of course, the universe hated them and decided whoever oversaw the cloths, to pick the ‘wrong’ shade of red.

“I specifically asked for cadmium red, not this cheap ass lipstick red! Are you so fucking blind you can’t distinguish from two different colors? How can you be this incompetent?” She saw most of the people flinch at Yam’s tone; Luna felt for them, she too wanted to be anywhere else. “They are different colors! If you can’t tell one from the other why would you even offer them in your catalogue?!” As Yam continued to yell, Luna saw her friend’s mom apologizing for her daughter’s outburst, offering everyone another round of drinks, before dragging the blonde to another room to continue her call.  Jim sighed tiredly – poor girl had had to endure her best friend’s moods far longer than anyone in the room- slipping her margarita to Nina’s hand – not before emptying it all in a gulp-, as she hurriedly left to follow the screams.

“If I ever become this level of bridezilla, please slap my face with the tablecloth.” Luna told Nina, sipping on her mojito, silently laughing when they heard Yam cursing someone once more.

“Only if you return the favor.” Her best friend proposed, offering her glass of water to her, her duty as DD kept her alcohol free for the evening.

She happily clicked her glass with hers, sealing the deal. After both had sipped on them, Luna spoke again, “time really flew by. I still remember the day Yam came to lunch waving her hand on our faces because Ramiro had proposed, and now…” she sighed.

“She’s only days away from spending the rest of her life with the guy she loves...”

Luna snorted. “Or having a heart attack because another insignificant detail got messed up, whichever happens first.” Nina laughs with her for a moment, sipping the last of her drink before changing the subject.

“How’s the roller coming along?” her friend asks, as if she hadn’t spent most of the last three months inside the building with her.  

“Slow. Tiring. Hopefully great, though.”

“Still going over paperwork?”

She sighed, “yeah. Who knew buying a building and reconstructing it to open a skating rink was so laborious?”

Nina offered her a reassuring smile, extending her hand to squeeze hers in support. “You’re doing more than great, L. Soon your dreams will be a reality and all this work will be worth it.”

“I know, I know. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, though.” Her best friend laughed.

“Don’t pretend you’re not the one who insisted on reviewing everything and every little step, Luna. You could have easily left it to your trusty lawyer and architect, but you didn’t and here you are now.”

Luna huffed out, “excuse me for wanting to make sure everything is perfect.” She knew Nina was only kidding, so she tried to make it sound like a joke; even if she only half-meant it. You couldn’t half-ass a business, you just couldn’t; not unless your goal with it was to end up broke and deep in debt.

“And it will be. It might take time, but it will.” Nina said reassuringly, not an ounce of hesitance in her voice.

“Thank you, N.” She sipped her mojito once more, “now, will you tell me what’s bothering you? You’ve been playing with your necklace since we got here, and I doubt it’s because of Yam getting on your nerves.” Then again, Luna at least had alcohol to sooth the yelling and bear the ridiculous games, Nina’s soberness surely was playing against her.

“I’ve got something to tell you and I’m not sure how you’re going to react, and  I don’t want you to get mad at me, so…”

“So you’re choosing not to tell me?” she frowned. She hated when people did that; after all, if they gave her a head up beforehand, she’d save herself the unpleasures of being surprised.

“No, no. I just- well I just wasn’t sure how to tell you. It’s kinda… it’s to do with a certain someone.”   Oh.

Oh.

While Luna didn’t choose to avoid having Matteo as a topic of conversation, she purposefully didn’t bring him up, so, neither did Nina. Until now, apparently.

The fiasco at his apartment had been left unspoken after her plans with the Roller started to pan out. Partly because she didn’t have enough free time to do dwell on it, and partly because she still cringed whenever she reminded herself of what had happened with him. She’d still kept up with him through Delfi’s offhanded comments on their ‘lessons’, and – embarrassingly enough- through a couple magazines there and there. Not that she believed anything they’d written about him; she highly doubted he’d brought three lions to exhibit at a party in his apartment.

Point was, even if she didn’t particularly have the lady balls to talk to him again and call a truce, she still cared enough to make sure he was somewhat okay.

“Matteo isn’t Voldemort, Nina, you can say his name out loud and nothing will happen.” Nina gave her a sheepish smile.

“I know, but since we haven’t talked about him in a while I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a problem.”

“Well, it isn’t, so you can say whatever you have to.” Luna urged her, sipping her drink once more, her curiosity getting the best of her.

“So, you know how I said I’d asked Eric to be my date for the wedding?”

“Yeah, but then you said his grandma broke her hip, or something, and he cancelled on you.” She frowned, “did you ask Matteo to be your date?” Luna didn’t try to hide her surprise. Had her best friend reached out to him? Became close friends and didn’t tell her?

“No! No, no, no! I would never do that to you! I asked Gastón. You know, his best friend? We’ve talked from time to time and since I didn’t want to stay glued to Yam’s cousin more than necessary, I asked him if he could come. He said yes.”

Now she was confused. “Okay… is Matteo coming? Or why were you worried I’d react badly?”

“You’re not mad?” Nina asked timidly, as if she’d explode on her for this.

“No! Why would I? Matteo and I’s disaster is that – ours-, you can be friends with his best friend and invite him wherever, N. To get mad at you for having friends would be ridiculous; just like you thinking I’d get mad at you for this.”  

“Better safe than sorry, no?” Luna shook her head, letting out a small chuckle. Nina spoke again, “and the answer is no.” At her confused expression, she clarified, “he’s not coming. At least, I don’t think he is, neither Yam or Ramiro are in his circle, and you know Yam would tell you if she had invited him.”

“Yeah. I guess so.” Their conversation was cut as Yam, her mom, and Jim entered the room once again. The bride significantly happier, and her companions a lot more relieved.

The moment Yam’s words left her lips, she was glad she was on her third mojito.

“Who’s up for a round of ‘Pin The Macho on the Man’?!”

♥

               Welcome to a whole new JaJazmin! I’m your host, the beautiful, incredible, gorgeous, amazing… Jazmín Carbajal-Gorjesi! Thank you, yes, thanks, I know all of you love me but let’s save some love for our guest tonight, alright?  She’s beauty, she’s grace, she could break your face in roller skating! Please welcome Olympic Medalist, and the star of your favorite sports movie, SHATTERED WINGS, the one, the only, the best of the bestest: SOL BENSON!-  

-          Thank you! What a lovely welcome, Jazmín, thank you for having me again.

-           

You’re very wel-… I mean, it’s an honor to have you back. But tell me, please, how’s retired life treating you?

                                It’s been pretty calm, really, which I think is what retirement is all about (*chuckles*), and like I’ve said, I never meant to leave the skating rink permanently, I’m just not competing anymore. I’ve achieved everything I’ve ever wanted, and I’m happy with how everything ended.

                  The days following your statement must have been crazy, weren’t they?

Yeah, a little. I never talked about my plans, or early retirement, so it’s partly my fault for dropping this on my fans so suddenly, whom I apologize to for hurting them with the news. They’ve been there for me in every step of the way, and I hope they continue with me for what’s to come.

               We’ll talk about that in a minute, but I have to ask - and I hope you don’t mind-, your name wasn’t the only one that resounded when the news hit.

Mmhmm.

               Correct me if I’m wrong but many people… concluded your decision wasn’t at all about you reaching your dreams and being done with competing. They assumed your rumored boyfriend – Matteo Balsano, for those who don’t know-, had asked you to quit for one reason or another.

Crazy, isn’t it? I worked, sweated and bled on my dreams for over a decade… you’d think that hard work would get more recognition without a rumored fling butting in.

               I’m sorry.

Don’t be. I want to make it clear though, that Matteo and I were never anything but friends. He’s a great guy, one of the best I’ve ever met, but we were nothing except platonic.

               There you have it folks: Soltteo were a no. What a shame for every of us who were rooting for you two…

(*chuckles*) Sorry to disappoint. But hey, at least a lucky girl can still get his heart.

               Think you can hook them up with him?

Uh…

(*laughs*) I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Moving on, though, what’s next for Sol Benson? Got any plans yet?

Well-

 ♥

“What are you watching?” His best friend flopped down on the bed next to him, grimacing as soon as he saw what was on the screen of his TV. “Again? This is what, the millionth time?”

“The re-run was on.” Matteo shrugged it off, dismissing its importance.  

“And you decided to watch it just because? You gotta stop this masochism, dude. It’s been three months, if you miss her so much-”

“It’s not like that, and you know it.” He didn’t miss her exactly.  After all, he didn’t have the chance to get to know her enough to do so. It was more of him occasionally wishing he had the guts to pick up his phone and apologize again until things weren’t… weird between them. Luna running away from him had left him with a permanent needle pinching his heart, and he was sure it wouldn’t leave until they resolved their… issue.

“Do you know that, though? ‘Cause honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had her words memorized by now.” Matteo turned the TV off, just as Luna initiated a round of quick questions with Jazmín, shaking his head at his best friend, whom had taken the liberty to spread out on his bed.

“Sorry to disappoint.” He huffed.

Gastón let out a sigh, as if he was tired of his denial. Which, in all fairness, so was he. “Are you in one of your weird moods? These short answers are kind of annoying, I want to talk to my best friend and feel like he’s actually here.”

“I’m sorry, my mind is just all over the place.” He offered him a smile, hoping Gastón could hear the sincerity in his voice. Matteo wasn’t giving him an attitude on purpose, he knew he was worried about him.  “And before you even ask, no, this isn’t about Luna. Delfi called me; my label wants to hear the songs I have so far. I guess I’m just nervous.”

“Why? I’ve heard some of them there and there, it’s sounding great, dude. I would even dare to say it’s your best so far. If anything, they should be nervous, they won’t know what hit them.”  

“Thanks, bro. But you know it’s different this time. A lot more… personal.” Out of all his albums, this one had to be the rawest. He wasn’t holding anything out this time, he wasn’t telling half-truths or hypothetic scenarios; whatever he was feeling, he wrote. He poured every single emotion into them. And it left him exposed, his heart naked to anyone who were listening.

He wasn’t playing it safe, dismissing the formula that had gave him a name in the industry. Now, his true self was on the spotlight, and he’d be lying if he didn’t admit it scared him.

“I’m telling you, they’d be crazy to reject them. I’ll pay for them to get checked by a doctor if they as little as insinuate it’s not the best thing they’ve heard in all their careers.” He had to laugh at this.

“Now I know it’s your bias talking.”

“Hey, I might be your best friend, but I’m not deaf, and I happen to have an excellent ear and taste for music.”

“Says the ABBA fan.”

Gastón gasped dramatically, sitting up quickly as he took his right hand to his heart. “How dare you! They’re amazing, and happen to have great, iconic songs! Here I am, bolstering you, like the great friend I am, and you dare to insult me and the greatest Swedish band of all time. Shame. On. You.”

Matteo threw him an amused look in return. “Well, consider me thankful. Anyways, did you want to tell me something?”

“What do you mean?”

Matteo arched his brows, as if it weren’t obvious. “You mean to tell me you just came into my room to ask me what I was watching on TV?”

“Uh, yeah?” When he gave him an ‘I don’t believe you for a second’ look, Gastón shrugged sheepishly. “Okay so I might have some news.” Matteo motioned for him to continue, “you know Ramiro Ponce and Yam Sánchez, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well they’re getting married this weekend, and Nina invited me as her plus one. Her supposed date cancelled on her and since the groomsman that’s supposed to walk the isle with her freaks her out, she asked me to cover for him, so he doesn’t attach to her after the ceremony.”

“Dating her now, are you?” He couldn’t help but to tease him, even if he knew they were merely platonic. “So, you’re going out this weekend, cool. I can manage to be alone one evening, you know.”  

“It’s not like that and you know it.” Gastón threw his words back at him. “I’m telling you this in case you want me to rely a message on a certain someone, or something.”

Why was he friends with him again? “Sure. Can you tell the happy couple I say, ‘congratulations on getting contractually bound to each other’ for me?”

Gastón looked surprised at first, but as soon as he finished hearing his answer, he put on a blank face. “Sure. Well, if you want me to rely anything else to anyone else, you know where to find me.”

“Mhmm.” After that, Gastón left his room, huffing what sounded like ‘stubborn idiot’, which he was sure were his words.

Mindlessly, Matteo turned his TV on again, switching from cable to scroll on Netflix as soon as he noticed JaJazmín had ended. He was about to put play on a random movie when his phone rang. The name displayed on the screen took him off guard.

“Hello?”

“What do you think of being my date to a wedding this Saturday?”

[lolalvarez]

where you lead

TAGGING: @lolalvarez , @snixxxlopez

LOCATION: Hope’s Door Women’s Shelter, March 13th, 2019

NOTES: Lola and Santana bond while volunteering at the women’s shelter.

LOLA ALVAREZ

Round two at the women’s shelter and Lola was all too happy to have company this round. Maybe it was something that had to do with her inclination toward lost souls. Maybe it was because she finally felt fulfilled, or wanted, or needed, or something along those lines. Maybe she liked feeling important, or recognized, or like she mattered. Lola found Santana seated in the shelter, and pulled up a chair next to her. “How are you doing, babe?” She asked softly, raising one eyebrow as an inquiry. “Did I thank you for coming yet today?”

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana would never admit it, because she was aware she was a crap person but this admission would put that over the edge, but she was at the shelter to spend time with Lola. It was more about putting herself out there to the other girl than it was about helping people, and she was aware of how bad that was. It wasn't the worst or anything; helping people. It was making her feel a type of way, though, and it was good at when her mind wandered, Lola appeared. "Hmm?" she shrugged, "I'm good." Santana would remember the 'babe' thing later, "You may have, but I don't mind hearing it more," she grinned. Santana people watched for a moment, "How often do you do this?" she asked.

LOLA ALVAREZ

Grinning, Lola pulled a water bottle out of her bag and took a sip. She cleared her throat, wanting to make sure her voice didn’t get too hoarse from talking and listening. She was trying so hard to keep her emotions in check, but it was hard.

“I try and get here once a week,” Lola shrugged. “It’s tough with Mimi, but I love it so much. It’s a nice way to keep myself and my mental health in check.”

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana nodded. She couldn’t exactly understand how someone could purposefully keep coming back to such a depressing place, but she knew people like Lola were important to the people who needed it. “You’re a better person than me,” she offered up a small smile. Santana didn’t want to say how bad she felt. Mostly for her reasons for coming, but more so for the fact that she’d ignored places like this for so long that the reality of life was really hitting her. “I admire you for it. Like. For all the shit you do...” she trailed off not really knowing how exactly to ever say the way she felt, especially in a situation that was throwing her for a loop.

LOLA ALVAREZ

Lola shook her head gently, wanting to reach out and touch Santana’s shoulder, but thought better of it. “Hey, it’s not about that. You’re here, that means something. And even if you can’t relate to their stories, you’re pretty easy on the eyes.” Lola bit down on her lower lip as Santana continued to speak. Volunteering and helping people was her passion, and she’d been in these women’s shoes before. It wasn’t about being admired. Not to lola. “I I came here when I was thirteen,” Lola began, not totally sure if she could trust Santana with this kind of information, but that made her want to share it even more. “The people who tried to take me before Mimi did. I punched their daughter. I had nowhere to go. And I wonder what I would have said to someone in my position. Like, a young girl ought to stand a better chance in this world.” She shrugged one shoulder, unsure of how else to put it. “people need to be reminded that life goes on even when bad things happen. There’s a sisterhood in all this.”

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana listened intently. She could tell the moment she'd arrived how much the shelter meant to Lola, so trying her best not to fuck it up was high on her mind. It would have been easy to walk in there and pretend that she didn't care or that this was easy and not a big deal. The look on Lola's face while there, though, told Santana that it was time to be serious. That was only confirmed when Lola started to open up to her. Like. Actually open up. "Shit," she sighed, wishing she was better at emotions or talking in general. "Thanks for telling me," Santana cringed a little, because she was sure there were better words to say, "Not gonna lie, I always thought Mimi was you're like, always thing." Santana took a moment to look around, "When my parents kicked me out and I came here, I walked into this place and walked right out..." It was something she blocked out of her memory for the most part. Santana didn't like to relive her impulsive decision to move to New York, "But, you know, walking in with my Gucci's didn't really look good."

LOLA ALVAREZ

Despite thinking better of it, Lola put one hand on Santana's shoulder. "Everybody comes from a different walk of life," she shrugged, knowing that it was one thing to compare yourself to the rest of the world, but a women's shelter was a place where everyone who needed a place to belong, belonged. "But I'm sorry that you didn't feel welcome here. I'm glad that you found your stride in New York, you know? Think about the Santana who walked into this shelter, and the Santana you are now. You should be so proud of yourself for everything you've accomplished."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana smiled. She felt like she was the last person who deserved even a little of the kindness and understanding that Lola was able to provide, but she accepted it nonetheless. "You're really something," she sighed, looking around, feeling like she should be being more helpful somehow. She looked up at Lola and smiled, "So... How many people here might be down for a free show?" Santana asked, not knowing how appropriate it was to offer show tickets to homeless people, "Cause, I get crapton of tickets for 'family' so I figure they could go somewhere better, you know? Probs could hook some of these chicks up with some clothes and everything too if that was a thing they'd be into."

LOLA ALVAREZ

Lola felt her heart warm up at Santana's inquiry, but that was nothing compared to the smile that beamed across her lips. "I used to know how to make clothes on a sewing machine, I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard for me to pick back up." She stood up and knelt down beside Santana, suddenly feeling the most comfortable and overjoyed that she had in a long time. "We make a great team."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana rolled her eyes, "As cute as the image of you at a sewing machine is, I meant I could get some clothes." She figured if she mentioned it to the cast she could get some money and donations together, if anything, it would help make the show look better if they weren't into the idea for the act of just being a decent human. "But I'd sit and watch you make some too." When Lola kneeleed next to her, she felt vulnerable for some reason, hoping she wasn't blushing, "Yeah," she replied softly, "I think we do."

[qqueenofhades]

I was (?) a Lyatt shipper who loved Flynn since S1 bc I love a good bad boy. I've been sympathetic to him since the 70s (ha!) when we found out about his wife and kid being murdered. So I found your blog and was loving all the Flynn stuff but I wasn't into Garcy. Thought "ew"--isn't he more like cool young uncle material for her? Fast forward to today and I have read every Garcy ff you have written and have fallen completely into the trash can. I know you prob hear this a lot lately...(1)

(2) but I wanted to thank you so much for writing The Tangled Web of Fate. What a masterpiece! You make the storyline in the same tone as canon somehow. You really have Flynn’s emotions and voice down pat. So good. Makes me believe in Garcy. In fact, makes me want Jessica and Logan to figure out their crap and that way everyone can be happy bc at this point I don’t want Jessica to be unhappy or go away either. Anyway, I went from Garcy sounds gross to GIVE ME MORE. So thanks?

(3) sorry. I feel panicked that we are running out of time (unoriginal pun) and might only get 5 more episodes and Flynn won’t get the full character development and happy ending he deserves. If it were up to you, would you give him a redemption arc and a happy ending or would you keep him as garbage boss? Also, dude is a full head taller than the industrial fridge in the bunker and they need to find a couch he can be comfy in. He looks like a giant living in a tiny house. My poor baby.

Ahaha. This delights me to no end, ngl. My powers are groooowing. And you have given me a lot to talk about here, so thanks. :)

Honestly, the people insisting on reading Garcy as familial/platonic/theorizing that Flynn is somehow Lucy’s son/they’re otherwise related are… very confusing to me? To say the least. Though to be totally frank, it’s often clearly by people who have an agenda in discrediting Garcy as a viable alternative to Lyatt (which they… probably don’t need to do, I mean for better or worse, the writers have made their preference/narrative direction clear. Alas). I obviously have no problem with people shipping whatever they want in whatever way they do, but… yeah, Garcy’s vibe ain’t platonic or familial (and if for some wild reason they DID end up Magically Related, like Flynn was somehow Lucy’s long-lost brother from an alternate universe or whatever, I wouldn’t stop shipping it, or even writing smut for it. I’d be like, “well writers, you got yourself into this with this far-fetched and illogical forced plot twist that does not fit with anything that has been written or acted beforehand, so I’m going to just go for Time Traveling Flowers in the Attic. Ooops?”) I’ve had plenty of posts with the way Flynn looks at/acts around Lucy (just saying, if my uncle looked at me like that, I would make sure never to be alone with him at family events) and the way she’s started to look back at him. And Goran Visnjic has straight up said that Flynn is “infatuated” with Lucy and we’ve had a lot of teasing about “does Flynn have a thing for Lucy” re: 2x06 that makes me wonder if we’re going to get some kind of more explicit confirmation of the way he feels about her. Goran has also encouraged us to read between the lines, so people can want it to be just a friendship (because they prefer another romantic partner for Lucy, and again, that’s fine, whatever) but he’s consciously acting it as a pretty romantic fascination. So yes. We aren’t just making that up.

Also, just saying, we KNOW who Flynn’s mom is, she’s a named and identified character, she appeared in an episode, Rittenhouse was originally sending Rufus, Lucy, and Assassin Goon to kill her in 1x15 with the aim of erasing Flynn from history. So “Flynn is Lucy’s son” is just… did you guys not notice Maria Thompkins? Who was awesome and I love her? Besides, if Flynn was Lucy’s son, she wouldn’t NEED time travel to meet him, and we know the journal is connected to new time tech (traveling on your own timeline). He couldn’t be anything less than her grandson and that would still be ludicrously complicated, as it would require Lucy to have Maria at some point while traveling in the past, then… straight up abandon her, then go back to her own timeline, then wait for Flynn to grow up, then travel back to meet him…. etc. It’s a mess. We know Flynn’s parents’ names (Asher Flynn and Maria Thompkins); hell, we know more about his family than we do about Wyatt’s. Why is no one theorizing that Wyatt is secretly Flynn and Lucy’s son? (I kid, I kid. But still. It makes about as much sense, if not more, which is to say it doesn’t.)

Anyway yes, I always felt like that was a pretty transparent attempt to make Garcy a non-romantic option in order to remove it as a shipper threat, but that doesn’t mean people can’t ship it as a friendship/brotp. I’m just saying, however, that it has been (at least certainly on Flynn/Goran’s end) played as a romantic thing, even if latent and unspoken and complicated. (Also, he went really quickly for the “honey…” and “what my wife failed to mention” lines in 1x11 and 2x04, so even if Flynn won’t admit it, he instinctively sees Lucy in some way as his wife.) So yes. Making them related would be a COMPLETELY illogical stretch, but… if they did that, yeah, I’d probably still ship it. (Shrug emoji.) Because I would recognize that the council had made a decision, but given as it was a stupid-ass decision, would elect to ignore it. (Insert Nick Fury gif here.)

Next, I am obviously glad that you are enjoying my fic and it has converted you to one of us. I started writing the Wyatt/Jessica stuff before she arrived back on the show and am rather pleased with how nicely it fits. Wyatt in canon needs a serious reality check, which I am hoping he gets. I obviously forgave Flynn for being a total fuckup and hurting everyone, I am absolutely willing to do the same for Wyatt, but he needs to have the “well shit I’ve been a selfish ass and am going to substantively make up for it” moment first. I hope the big finale moment is him finally owning up to his dickish behavior and putting everyone else first and otherwise reversing course. Because yeah. I’m judging.

Lastly, I WORRY ALL THE TIME ABOUT US GETTING CANCELLED AFTER THIS SEASON BECAUSE IT WOULD BE A TRAVESTY. A TRAVESTY. The short season has always hurt us narratively, though of course it’s great to get it, but then to cut it off there with no more space at all… god. It gives me the shudders just to think about. And one of the reasons is yes, give me my full redeemed-antihero Garcia Flynn redemption arc. Goran has talked a lot about how we’re seeing more of his real nature this season, and just yes. We saw throughout season 1 that Flynn hated to do a lot of what he was doing, but he did it anyway in the larger purpose of bringing down Rittenhouse (and nobody has yet acknowledged that he was right all along about them…we need more conversations/authentic character moments, guys, NOT SOAPY RELATIONSHIP DRAMA. JUST SAYING). He never really WANTED to be a garbage disaster, but he loved his wife and daughter more, and he was dedicated to taking Rittenhouse down to the point that he thought he couldn’t return to them even if he did save them. So no, he was not a character who was just out there burning shit down for the fun of it (though he does enjoy it in some ways, because… he’s a disaster). But Flynn’s character file in canon has him fighting in a lot of small-scale liberation wars (Chechnya, Bosnia, Kosovo, etc) against occupying/oppressive regimes, and that’s basically what he’s doing with Rittenhouse. He is a good man with a very strong moral code, but also a very grey one. He has correctly identified the overall enemy and is dedicated to destroying them, but he won’t be the hero wringing his hands over it because “it’s not right” to use violence. Which the Time Team is leaning on themselves (they basically left Flynn in 1934 to be a hitman, so… no more judgey remarks about “he’s a killer” would be nice, guys. You know he is and you’re using that because you need it.)

So yes. Flynn doesn’t WANT to be a garbage disaster, so it would be cruel to keep him as one. He is sassy as hell, but he also seems happier working with the team than he ever really did alone (as Goran has also discussed). Again: MORE CONVERSATIONS!!! Did Flynn just see it as business in trying to take out the team before, since they were trying to stop him from taking down Rittenhouse, and now that they agree on who the threat is, he’s happy to work with them? Is Garcia “why do I even delegate” Flynn really trusting them (at least aside from Lucy, who he clearly does) to do what’s needed, or does he essentially think he still has to do it himself? DEVELOPMENT PLEASE!

I wanted Flynn to permanently join the team ever since 1x10 (as that episode threw me down the dumpster in SO many ways) so obviously, I want that to keep up. The 2x07 pic of him and Rufus clasping hands made me hella emotional (also: we still haven’t had a Flogan scene since Flynn arrived in 2x03 and Wyatt stormed out in a hissy fit…still judging for skipping the Messy Boys Trip in 2x05). I want him to be developed and integrated more into the team and made a part of them, because I’m a hopeless sucker for villain becomes weird family member and redeemed antihero and found family and enemies-to-lovers/enemies-to-friends. So yes. Please don’t screw it up, guys.

(Also yes. Yes, I noticed him being taller than the god damn fridge at the end of 2x05. He’s HUGE and it’s ridiculous.)

[nikkilbook]

Autistic Coding: Pearl vs. Keith

I’ve been in the #actuallyautistic Tumblr-space for about a year and a half now. Because I’m a writer, and because I love stories, one of the things that keeps drawing my attention is the various autistic headcanons that surround popular media, particularly the ones that a large number of people agree on. Last year, Pearl from Steven Universe was all over my dash. This year, it’s Keith from Voltron: Legendary Defender.

I saw both this headcanons before I had watched the shows, before I had any real idea of what the shows were even about. These headcanons were what ultimately got me to watch the shows. I wanted to see if Pearl and Keith were anything like me.

(Now, I just want to say here that if you identify with either of these characters in a way that runs contrary to what I have to say, that is totally fine. I’m not trying to say that this is the only way to experience these characters. I’m just describing my own experience and emotions surrounding them.)

Last September, I watched the entirety of Steven Universe over the course of 72 hours. The last episode I watched was “Last One Out of Beach City”, I believe. Later, when I mentioned this to someone, they said I must have really enjoyed it to watch that far into the series.

In reality, I kept watching because I couldn’t look away, possibly in the same way one cannot look away from a train crash. A train crash labeled “Pearl”.

This isn’t to say that the cartoon was bad. Overall, I think it was quite nicely written. But Pearl… I kept hoping that something would change, that I’d suddenly see why everyone agreed that this character was supposed to be like me, and it never happened.

From what I could see, Pearl was the wet blanket of the group. She was stuck in the past, micromanaged the team, and at one point manipulated Garnet into fusing with her over and over. She refused to trust new people, she trained Connie to be willing to give up her life for Steven, and just overall seemed… toxic.

Now, for a little backstory.

When I was in high school, before I knew I was autistic, I had a(n emotionally manipulative) friend with whom I once performed a character swap. I created a character to go in her story (a girl named Moira), she created one to go in mine. They were basically self-inserts, little homages to each other. The couple times she wrote something with Moira before our friendship was terminated, though, I discovered a trend. Moira was an authority figure, who used her authority to rain on everyone else’s parade. She ruined everyone’s fun by enforcing the rules. She was the wet blanket.

Fast forward six years, and all that came back as I was watching Pearl be the buzzkill friend. I felt sick inside, thinking of a line in a post I’d read that essentially said “the whole internet universally agrees that this character is 100% autistic!” Which translated in my head as “the whole internet universally agrees that this is you.”

“You are the buzzkill friend.”

Is this an overgeneralization that is partially rooted in unresolved emotional issues? Probs. But that didn’t change the fact that, almost everywhere I looked, I saw this version of myself. “You are a wet blanket. You ruin everyone’s fun. No one wants you here.”

Is this who I am? Are the only people who stay around me the ones who have been there so long it’s just become habit, the ones who are so kind and goodnatured that they’d befriend literally anyone?

Is this the only thing I can be?

Fast forward a year, and I start seeing headcanons about someone named Keith pop up on my dash. I have no idea what is going on, but a very cursory check shows that V:LD is available on Netflix. Eh. Cool, I’ll file that away.

A few days ago, I finished watching my latest show, and needed to pick something new. I was a little anxious about starting Voltron (it’s the middle of the semester. I’m already fighting brain-crap without getting trapped in the Pearl headspace again), but I pull it open and give it a shot.

I finished the latest episode this morning at 6am. I already miss them.

At first I was nervous, because Keith seemed grumpy and buzzkill-y. But then the story made it clear that those moods always had an antecedent. It wasn’t just “who he was.” It was an emotional reaction to a situation or event—you know, as people do.

I think the biggest thing was that Keith was given a preexisting friend in Shiro.** Even before we know any of the characters’ history, ​Shiro treats Keith as an equal and a trusted friend. They make allusions to past events that show just how close they are (like brothers, Keith says), and just how much Keith relies on Shiro for support. You get the feeling that Shiro and Keith can really see each other—that they can recognize the most intimate parts of each other’s personality, and know how to respond. They provide spaces where the other can be vulnerable. Every time crap hits the fan for one or the other, they put on a brave, stoic face for the rest of the Paladins, but allow themselves to be themselves around each other. We see a very distinct Keith when he is speaks to Shiro. A Keith that isn’t 100% sure, but is trying. Because he knows Shiro believes in him. 

**And, as I write this, I ask myself how this differs from Pearl and the Crystal Gems, or even Pearl and Steven. I think it’s because the relationships Pearl had aren’t unique to her. The Crystal Gems are friends with her because they are a team formed by someone else. Steven is friends with her because... Steven is friends with literally everyone. That’s part of his character. He’s kind and offers friendship and love to literally everyone, regardless of whether they reciprocate it (Lars, anyone?). So that relationship says more about Steven than it does about Pearl, and whether or not she is particularly deserving. Shiro makes it clear that he believes Keith to be a person with worthy attributes. He makes it clear that he wants Keith around. 

The other thing that reached out and grabbed my heart was Keith’s emotional state. His big emotions tend toward “angry”. He gets snippy with other characters (coughLANCEcough) from time to time, as most people do, but, interestingly, Shiro’s always there to reel him back in when he tries to fly off the handle. However, and this is just brilliance on the part of the voice actor here, in the majority of Keith’s regular dialogue—specifically around Shiro, but with others characters too, as the series progresses—there’s this undercurrent that messes with the inflection of his words, like they are unstable, or that he’s not entirely sure what’s happening. 

My voice does that. 

It happens when all the colors inside me get jumbled together, when they get mixed up with the ones radiating from the people around me and I can’t tell which way is up and the colors doesn’t have names because they aren’t really colors, but I can’t call them emotions because I don’t know what those names are either. It’s just colors and weight and there’s just so much and I need to let it out and I can’t figure out how except to gather up all the colors that feel like red and let them out, because red looks enough like anger that I can sort of figure out how to do it. 

And that’s a lot of inference from some unsteady dialogue, and is it self-projecting based on a distinctly personal way of how I interface with the world? Probs. But that doesn’t change the fact that within a bare handful of episodes, couldn’t stop watching because I needed, more than anything, for Keith to be okay. I needed to see him be accepted into the group, even after the unexpected revelation in Season 2, because I needed to be reminded, again and again, that there are people who will always be there for people like me, and they’ll do it because, at some point, they decided I was worth being there for. 

Even when I make shortsighted decisions, even when I pull away because I don’t know how to explain what I’m thinking/feeling/fear. Even when I have to do something that I know there’s no way I can accomplish. 

The Paladins where there for Keith when he did all that. So maybe my friends will be there for me when I do it. 

I’ve already gone back and watched a few of the episodes over again, and I’m going to keep doing it, because I still need Keith, and Shiro’s relationship with Keith, to be here in my head. I need him—and me—to be okay. I need him to be happy. I need to be reminded, every day, that happy is a thing that exists. That it’s one of the colors inside me, and that I can find it and let it out. I need to see Keith find his happiness, to maybe show me how to find mine. 

The lines between Pearl and Keith aren’t terribly academic. It’s possible it just comes down to brainspace. But in the end, I’m glad I found Keith. I’m glad I got to watch him stumble about trying to make sense of who he was and what that meant, and that I got to watch a whole group of people be glad that they had him with them. I’m glad I got to see Keith be a little grumpy and abrasive sometimes, and then turn around and do his best to help his friends, because no. That’s not all we can be. 

I miss my boys. I need them to be okay.

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 13: “I Feel Like It’s Time for a Classic Blindside” - Mitch

okay so mo went home and im sad because he is my SON and I LOVE HIM. On a game level, sepearating Jones/Mo was crucial, but Mo was a goat, and Julia and Mo going back to back is bad news.

It kind of limits my options moving forwards, since I know I can't go to the end with Jones/Mitch, and don't think I can go to the end with Jason. I thought Tom would be a goat for literally self voting twice, but Jones is selling him like some big threat?

Anywho that means F3 has to be Me/Caeleb/Benj, which honestly... is all good in my back, they are my two faves on the tribe, so I'm down to clown with that.

also me clocking that caeleb is matt who won kuwait's boyfriend, i truly am the second coming of nancy drew

okay so morning after last night's tribal. i don't regret any decisions i made, but i am a little concerned about the narrow path I now have to FTC.

I feel like I'm playing a good game, and a game better than those that I have played in the past. However, I'm also not delusional, and I know how big of a threat Jones/Mitch/Jason are at FTC, and while I don't think Tom should be a threat, apparently he is too.

What that means, is I have to angle for a F3 of Me, Caeleb and Benj. I think its do-able, but its going to be tricky.

The best way I see it happening is next vote, siding with Caeleb/Jones to vote off Jason, so that the two 'pairs' are attacked with equal force. Its definitely risky, since it means I'll be very vulnerable, but HOPEFULLY the following round I can swing it back and get Jones out.

That would then leave a F5 (which oh my GOD final five already got to SCREAM), of Me/Mitch/Caeleb/Tom/Benj. I think I would then unfortunately need to take out Mitch at F5, because he is scary scary, and I think would be such a deserving winner. That leaves a F4 of Me, Benj, Caeleb and Tom which I think is probably best case scenario, where I would vote off Tom most likely, leaving the F3 as me, Benj and Caeleb. If its a F2, I go to the end with Benj.

I think its definitely a work-able and do-able plan, its just important to get all the stages right. Thinking about it, it could be worth swapping Jason and Tom on the plan. I think Jason is more of a threat personally, but perception is reality, and if Jones is saying Tom is a threat, I can't be seen walking to the end with him.

So... I'm cautiously optimistic. I think I'm playing a strong game, I still have TWO idols, and am on track to keeping on pushing on.

If I'm voted off at seventh place, the order I would vote for the remaining players at FTC:

Mitch > Jason > Jones > Caeleb > Benj > Tom

I knew that this could happen, and I was trying so hard to keep Mo around. I told Grandma's boys that we should vote Mitch, they said no. And then Benj let me know he was voting Mo, and since Ali and Mitch weren't responding to me anymore, I knew they were going to vote Mo instead. I told Jones to play her idol on Mo but she didn't do that either. Overall, I am sad. Because I let them tell me how I should play that round but I should've been confident in A) my gameplay and what I wanted to do, and B) my understanding of the roles in this game and who I felt was talking to who. If the last vote showed me anything it showed me that:

I have a pretty good understanding of who is running this game (Mitch and Benj)

Jones is playing a really good social game but she isn't ready to make big moves yet, or she doesn't understand which moves we should make.

Jones and I are in this together. We have to by default because I know about her idol, but also with pairs popping up everywhere its safer to have a voting buddy. Plus Jones is cool so like I could be stuck with someone I didn't like and for that I'm lucky.

Lastly, I need to be confident. I have played well, but I've lost momentum. I had it with the Alex vote, and it waned but I had it in the Jules vote. I was exposed and lost it in the Julia vote, and I was completely left out of the picture in the Mo vote. I need to regain this momentum. I know I like always make a fool of myself with my confessionals hehe because I always say I want something to happen but it never ends up happening. That's largely because so many people have their own agendas, dictating the vote is not my style. Being flexible as F*** for sure is. BUT, I will hopefully get my way next tribal. I am planning on using Jones, Me, Ali and Jason to vote Mitch. I am starting to sow the seeds in Jason and Ali, because Mitch has clearly played the best so far. He has ALWAYS voted right, and been the deciding vote for Jules, Alex, and Mo. Yet he also never was cursed. He'll win, and its my mission to vote him next. But don't keep me on my word because HELL knows things are gonna hit the fan anyways.

also i have to confess this because its funny and i will forget otherwise, but on the call before last tribal, i said tom is too straight for me to be able to work with him long term in my host chat, because he kept saying bro and chick.

LITERALLY, and I mean LITERALLY, 5 seconds later, he shows us this picture and asks us "how fake this chick's boobs are". I am NOT going to be a straight enabler, straight pride can WAIT, this is not gonna keep happening.

With that said, I wanna go F3 with Tom probably KSADF, or no maybe F4. I definitely know Jason, Mitch and Jones need to leave sooner rather than later, and I will then figure it out from there eeeek!

also LOVE MR CAELEB, LOVE him. BUT.

I would've had a 38 POINT WORD, if he didn't snatch that Z from me, he ROBBED me of quizzical, and now he can spell frazzled which ties my current best word. EEEEEK.

okay me making fun of tom for having a sheet when i have the same... love being a crackhead...

also me getting SO pressed about Caeleb winning immunity for 0.5 seconds, before realising I didn't want to vote him out anyway, and that him winning is like... fine.

I made this this morning:

I hate everyone KSKSKSKSKKS i want to just do something for myself so bad Bc I feel like such a follower and I wanna just die all the time but like ????? The last 12 times I try to plan moves it backfires so I just need like,,, to breathe a bit.idk??? I don’t even know if I want BENJ in the F2 with me like I said,,, anyways,,,

Best F3 scenario: me/Tom/benj

Best F2 scenario: me/literally one of those two men,,,, maybe preferably Tom? Like no offense to Tom but idt anytime on jury likes Tom rn JSJSJSJS but ya time to die and lose in immunity UwU

I WON IMMUNITY AHHH. It means I'm guaranteed a spot in the final six, and assuming I play my idols right, F5 and then F4. I'm potentially... one round from FTC, this is CRAZY.

This round is gonna be interesting, it needs to be one of Jones, Jason or Mitch for sure, I just need to angle it so that its definitely the right one. I am immune, and can use that safety to lead a vote... whatever happens i'm so EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

quasiconvexity carried me through

So the game has been going well! I wanted Mo to go at F9 cuz we just didn’t have as good of connection as I do with others but that got overshadowed by Julia blowing up but we made it happen this round me Mitch and Ali wow the votes actually fell 3-3-2 exactly like we planned.

Literally 4 votes in a row now the exposed people voted wrong LOL. Anyways next up to go is Jason, we have worked together well for a few votes but him and Tom are a duo who have to be broken up now that Mo/Jones are broken. Jason has more chance to win so its got to be him.

Jones covered my vote hehe so it should go as planned we hope but idk itll prob be ruined like stuff usually is. It should be me jones mitch caeleb voting him, tom and Jason will I guess vote jones or someone, ali can vote whoever it doesn’t matter

Me and Ali have realised the Sapphire idol is more of a curse than helpful LOL so hopefully we don’t ever have to use it. We have also decided that we want to go to F4 w Tom and Caeleb, I LOVE Jones and Mitch so much but they are the biggest threats. But I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone teams up against me and Ali and realise we have lowkey been shaping the course of the game since F11 hehe.

This is one of my favourite orgs ever and Ali is one of my favourite allies ever! Ali when u see this thank u for putting up w my being cracked and listening to all my scheming and plans u make this game sm fun so just thank u sm.

Everyone left in the game are also such good people ugh it sucks to have to vote them at some point :// The hosts went off w casting…

So ya moving forward me and Ali’s goal is to make F5 and have one of us win immunity and idol the other w Budva idol and not even use the Sapphire bc apparently if its like a 3-1-1 vote they are all immune which is too scary we cant cirie ourselves out!!

Gosh I sounded so cocky just then huh... I rlly am always looking out and worried about being blindsided aswell eeeek

I PROB WILL BE!

I just have so much hope for benjali duo ;-;

okay so this vote... it needs to be one of Jones, Mitch and Jason. I've heard from Benj that there is a plan to vote Jason, of Mitch/Benj/Jones/Caeleb, here is the problem tho... I'm down with Jason going, but if I hop on to this plan, I'm just an add on and its not a move I can claim at an FTC resume.

So, I have to plan an alternative, and its either gonna be Me/Jason/Tom/Caeleb vote Mitch, or Me/Jason/Tom/Mitch vote Jones. I am leaning towards voting Jones right now, because like... she just told me she has heard nothing for the vote, when I know she is plotting and has sorted a plan to get Jason out. She clearly doesn't trust me, we've voted separately at basically every single tribal and she is a mega threat in the end.

I think I could convince Mitch to vote her, and it also detaches Caeleb, and it means he is stuck with me, which is good, since I'll need him to vote Jason potentially next round. Its tough because I want all three of Mitch/Jason/Jones out asap... hnnngh.

So I have the opportunity to make a game changing move. Im almost certain I know who has the idol and i REALLY want the person out this round. Right now they are breezing by without being targeted a single time and I feel like its time for a classic blindside. The problem is, right now that specific person is not being targeted. The risk of telling the people who are being targeted that they are the target is astronomical but if it works it just might send the person who I want gone out. It's a risky plan that I don't know if it will work or not.

okay so I think I may have already confessed this, but loving having ZERO memory. Okay so Jones is going tonight, she is definitely a major threat, has access to jury votes I couldn't even dream of getting and is SUCH an FTC risk.

I think this vote works, because then... next round we can get Mitch. I can solidify something with Caeleb and Benj, and we can then agree to get Jason at F5, that's... such smooth sailing to FTC. I'm excited.

I love voting with Mitch/Jason for a vote, and then... voting against them in literally the two votes after, loving being a mess.

[mdwatchestv]

Game of Thrones 7x03: This is Jon Snow

Haiii it's that special time again! I thought last week's episode was blowing through plot faster than the speed of light, but that was only because I had not seen this week yet. And to be clear I am not necessarily complaining about taking a full-throttle approach towards storytelling, lest we forget the time spent wandering around Dorn, or North of the Wall, not to mention the hours sunk into the mismanagement of Meereen. But it does feel a little strange that Game of Thrones would cut their season orders only to now kick into the highest of high gears. Again I don't begrudge this approach, but I am wary of it. My fears are mainly about the concentrated pairing down of characters and subplots in favor of dedicating the rest of the series time to the core characters. Again being economical with the time left isn't a bad thing, but paring down on secondary characters also means letting loose many of the more dynamic actors in the series. Perhaps now that the writers have control over the show's story, and don't have to keep a number of characters relevant in case one of them becomes unexpectedly important, they have started to cull the herd. I would love to believe this is not the case and Game of Thrones will keep it's massive unwieldy shape to the bitter end, but who knows what they have in store for these final outings. Granted this is only the third episode of the season and this could all be totally off-base, but it's just how I FEEL OKAY?

So let's start because there is A LOT to get to. First off I would have abso died if Gendry had rolled up on Theon in the water. What if he's just been rowing around like a rowboat Uber this whole time. But in reality we start at Dragonstone, WHAT a location that is with those cliffs, stunning, love it, so alive, so green, magic is real. Anyway we begin with Jon Snow fast-traveling (like how did he get to Dragonstone faster than Arya got to Winterfell?) to the beach where he is greeted by his old bud Tyrion. Their friendship has always made me feel warm and fuzzy, just two underdogs who get each other. In one of the episodes two technically breathtaking backwards steadicam shots Tyrion and Jon have some 'previously on' dialogue. "That Sansa is a smart cookie," says Tyrion, "I'm not a Stark", replies Jon as dragons swoop overhead. Classic. Meanwhile on the cliffs:

Varys: Why are you hiding on these cliffs? Melisandre: We all make mistakes, who among us hasn't burned a little girl to death on acci. Varys: You should probs gtfo of Westeros. Melisandre: Nah, I'm going to die here. Varys: K. Melisandre: Lol, so are you. Varys: What? Melisandre: What?

But on to the main event, a meeting so long awaited one would think it would be more of a centerpiece to the episode, but whatever. It has long been clear that one of the Game of Thrones endgames would be the meeting and alliance of Jon and Dany, aka ice and fire. Jon's got ice monsters, Dany's got dragons. Westeros' most beautiful idiots, finally stumbling into each other. Despite this meeting of the minds going down in the first third of the episode, it still felt rewarding, and more importantly, hilarious. I had been planning to make Ser Davos the MVP of this episode for his A+ introduction of The King in the North, but he was of course topped in the final minutes. Jon Snow may not know a lot, but he was right on the money calling the Westerosi infighting childish in the face of the Army of the Dead. "Is he calling me childish?" snaps the Dragon Queen. "I think he is calling everybody everybody childish," defuses Tyrion. "I am not a child, I am the last Targaryan," replies Dany who is now two for two.

All that aside though, it was compelling to see these two relatively inexperienced leaders bump up against each other in such a high stakes situation. Dany is a world-class conquerer, but has struggled with being the leader of the people. Her aspirations are noble, but she hasn't always been able to see them through. In Dragonstone she has struggled with her (albeit understandable) paranoia and mistrust of those around her. Jon on the other hand is a beloved leader, although he has no ambition to expand the sphere of his influence (outside recruiting allies to defeat the Night King). Jon has had no choice but to trust unconventional allies implicitly, and while he has had his share of struggles (death, etc), he has never been the subject of world intrigue and the accompanying assassination attempts (just one very effective one). All of this is to say that these two characters both have something the other lacks, and are equally stubbornly assured of their own merits. Seeing them able to come to an accord felt both earned and satisfying, and this relationship at least feels right on track. I am telling you right now I refuse to ship it because she is his aunt ya'll. Get your lives together.

Speaking of incest let's check in on King's Landing! Euron, who I can't help but love even as he drags women through the street by their necks, has returned triumphant. However even though Euron did bring a pretty good gift, Cersei puts off their nuptials until AFTER the war is won/everyone is dead. While this is buying her time, I doubt that Euron is going to wait around forever. He is the party Greyjoy after all. During Cersei's torture of Queen Indira and Lil Snake, I was mesmerized by her very flattering coral lipstick. "Who is making her lip shades? Does she usually wear this much?" I pondered. These questions were compounded after the lipstick poison revelation, is there someone who specializes in this poison lipstick? It obvi comes in many shades and glosses. That would be my Westeros job I think, fashion and skincare specialist for the lady assassin.

Back on the ranch my girl Sansa Stark is crushing it as the Queen in the North. She is giving directions, pointing out mistakes, she is using a machete to cut through red tape. However a big old damper is put on all that with the arrival of Bran "The Three Eyed Raven", and guess what y'all new Bran SUCKS. First off his arrival is a jarring reminder that everything Sansa has worked for can be taken away from her simply by virtue of her not being male. Bran not only automatically supersedes Sansa as heir of Winterfell, but he doesn't even care or acknowledge the tenuous position his arrival puts Sansa is. Sure Sansa is in charge at Jon's behest, but even Jon's claim to Winterfell is not as strong as the true-born male heir of Ned Stark. But Bran not even giving half of a thimble of a fuck is just the tip of the iceberg of his newfound douchocity. First he boysplains what being The Three-Eyed Raven is all about (it's complicated, you probably wouldn't understand), but then continues to troll Sansa about her forced wedding and rape. Fuck you dude. Fuck. You.  Please just communicate your expositional knowledge of Jon's lineage and fuck right back off.

Finally this episode had not one, but two decisive battles. While I thought the storytelling approach to both skirmishes worked, both Tyrion's monologue and the cut-to-the-chase decisive Lannister victory, these course-altering events felt a little rushed. The Unsullied's disastrous siege on Casterly Rock, followed immediately by the Lannister's seizure of Hightower, marked a major tip in the scales of power. However the tables were turned so quickly that Dany's loss of the upper hand lacked tension or suspense. Maybe they were trying to simulate the sense of surprise that Dany must have felt, the "Oh shit, say wha?" factor as it were. But the pacing of this is one of the elements that, while not out and out bad, is tingling the ole spidey sense. At this point Tyrion's strategizing is coming up dangerously short. He has been outsmarted thrice by his siblings to devastating degree. I think it's worth considering whether or not Dany has a spy in her midst. Certainly Cersei is a savvy opponent, but tactically out maneuvering Dany and co three times perhaps takes more than just smarts. But if there is a snake in the dragon nest, who could it be?

But let us end with a memorial to the baddest b who ever was or ever shall be. Goodbye to the matriarch of the Tyrell family, mentor to the true queen Margaery (RIP), kingslayer, truth-bomb dropper, epic veil-wearer, ex-secret agent for the British government, Olenna Tyrell. While she may have lost her grandchildren, her keep, and her life, Olenna is still able to make Jaime her bitch before she goes. Olenna was smart enough to know that before going on a journey of revenge, you dig two graves and she welcomed death with grace and sheer badassery. “Twas I who set Joffrey a-gurgle.” Twas indeed my lady, twas indeed. While this was a deservedly epic death scene, she will be sorely missed. Between her departure and Queen Indira's inevitable demise, the show is hemorrhaging compelling supporting characters at an alarming rate. It was a relief at least to see Bronn return to Jaime's side, holding it down for the supporting roles. Once again we are only three episodes in, but with only seven episodes this season I am hoping my concerns about pacing and world-building are all for naught. Still this was an entertaining as hell episode that boasted some rewarding payoffs, stunning cinematography, and what is absolutely one of the best death scenes of the series. Hopefully this season will continue to be... Growing Strong. And maybe Arya will show up at Winterfell and be nice to Sansa. But probably not.

Stuff I Didn't Get To:

Cliffside Broodfest 2k17

New day, new Jorah

$$Mark Gatiss$$

Short hair is IN in King's Landing

“Everyone is your enemy, everyone is your friend” is the new “chaos is a ladder”

MVP: Ser Davos for his powers of introduction. Olenna Tyrell. Who died as she lived, middle fingers up, tellin him boy bye.

XO MD

PS Bonus tribute to the true queen: 

[mcnahq-blog]

( .. the cutest bean ever omg )

hey guys, i’m jules — a suffering uni student from the weirdest fucking tz — and i’m so excited to be a part of this rp !! i like watching crack vids of bts ( mY BOYS !!!! hmu if you’re kpop trash too so we can sob over wdta pt. 2 ), finding new memes to torture my friends two provinces away with, making my eardrums bleed bc i’m listening to some surfer rock on max volume, and bingewatching the canadian comedy masterpiece known as letterkenny for the umpteenth time. anyways, this is my precious honey girl mona who’s rly just trying to live peacefully ( for a young celeb in hollywood at least ) despite the intensity of her life. here’s some basic — & extensive, sorry lmao — info about her ( TW: abuse kinda ?? , brief hints of depression, insomnia & starvation ) :

( JEON SOMIN & CISFEMALE )— here we have everything you want to know about ( MONA GATLIN/KIM MONA ), the ( MUSICIAN ) that has been stealing everyone’s hearts for ( FIVE YEARS ) years now. her rep keeps pushing for the ( STEADFAST & GREGARIOUS ) persona, but a close source to her says she’s actually ( SYBARITIC & RETICENT ). i read she ( ABANDONED HER CAREER IN KPOP AFTER LONGTIME ABUSE FROM HER MANAGEMENT, CAUSING HER GROUP TO DISBAND ) but whatever it is that you want to believe, one thing is for sure, the ( TWENTY TWO ) year old has the world in her hands. — (( jules && gmt-2:30 && she/her ))

so here’s a brief bio for now

born on april 6, 1995 in incheon, south korea

she was given up by her mother just minutes after her birth, not even given a name as she was separated from her, but knows that her surname was kim

she ended up being adopted within a few days, as her parents had been waiting a while to adopt from this particular agency

was named mona haneul gatlin, after her adoptive grandmother.. well, 2/3 of the name anyway

grew up just outside of seattle, washington with her two dads, an editor at a publishing firm and a cop respectively, and was showered with affection

a ball of sunshine growing up, i mean she was polite and thoughtful af, would give a classmate the cupcake her papa snuck into her lunchbox if they didn’t have enough for lunch

p smart all things considered, but especially loved english and languages while physics could fucking choke ( well.. it could once she was in higher grades anyway )

she always loved to sing, knew that she was good too. especially when her dad gave her a couple of songbird-based nicknames that still make her beam when he calls her that

her dads were aware of the american auditions for korean entertainment companies and since mona grew up learning korean from her auntie — who was her papa’s boss in reality — they figured she would be capable of at least auditioning ( i’m.. so bad at explaining things, i’m sorry lol )

so at thirteen, she went to an audition in san francisco and got in the good graces of a company, so much so that by fourteen, she had moved to seoul and began training

it was.. intense to say the least, especially when she was still p young and had just moved to a different continent

some training exercises felt more like punishments than actual lessons or help, but she shrugged it off as she was determined to make it big, for her parents if not herself

attended an international school alongside several other trainees/idols and honestly felt a bit off about the huge changes in her life, causing her to have some issues with making new friends outside of those she had already made within the agency, which had already been few and far between if she were being honest with herself

at one point, she indulged in underaged drinking alongside a few other trainees because everything became so hard to deal with and it was a means to unwind in some way

but when more positive attention and energy was directed towards her, she stopped for the sake of her future now that it seemed brighter

finally was chosen for a co-ed group at sixteen with her being the maknae and debuted at seventeen

went by kim mona bc she was p much told to hide her english name since it would likely cause some backlash, if not for the fact that she was the daughter of two men so that had to be hidden too

but everyone knew her as MONA, since mononyms are p popular among idols and it felt a bit more genuine than going by her initial surname

they had a lot of success, even having a couple of subunits, some collabs individually here and there and co-hosting variety shows, up until january 2016 when she announced her departure from the group and, subsequently, led the group to disband altogether

she decided that the kpop music industry was a bit too much for the girl that wanted a bit of peace for longer than a week at a time, so she moved onto the western music industry and dragged a couple of her group-mates with her, alongside a guy that they’d crossed paths with while searching for new management

kinda earned a substantial following in their new project since they had quite the fanbase with DefY so they saw sudden success

anyways, to the rumour

mona’s former management company endured a lot of speculation regarding abuse of its artists ( if you’re not familiar with it already, look up the abuse/unfair treatment scandals with smtown and exo, and you’ll have the basis of my direction with this )

when she left the group, most netizens assumed that first and foremost, their contracts had expired and they wished to try something new

however once cavalier put out “trainwreck,” which mona co-wrote, many started reading into some aspects of it as her, and her former members’, history of abuse with her ex-management condensed into an almost four minute song

it also didn’t make sense to people as DefY was at its peak, but when a couple of onstage fainting spells and the hospitalization of one or two of her group-mates for “sudden illnesses” were taken into consideration as well, it made it seem all the more plausible and it became a huge scandal in south korea

honestly.. not gonna tell you if it’s true or not for the time being bc it would prob involve a couple of other muns and speculation is always fun lmao

now her personality/other little things

an actual angel™

who makes rly shitty, impulsive decisions that make her question her sanity lol

not annoyingly nice or cute or w/e though ?? like she’s a rather compassionate and enthusiastic person, but she’s p chill for the most part, unlike the slight shift in persona during her idol days where her positivity was more put on

dumb jokes galore

kinda going through her wild phase now, but also went through one during her trainee and debut days that was more so a means to help her deal with how straining almost 120 hours per week of constant activity was on her teenage self

bad influences hmu

endured depression before debuting, just realized i forgot to add that

she won’t tell you much about her past, v vague about her trainee days especially

the kind of girl that wants a simple life.. but will also splurge on some stunning louboutins

if you ever saw her at an awards show, she’s that person that befriends everyone

but she won’t take shit from anyone just because they’re generally in her good graces

pastries are.. everything to her, you’ll win her over for the most part if you pick her up a chocolate filled croissant or something

speaks korean and a bit of japanese and chinese, super basic though

has been an on-and-off sufferer of insomnia for years now, as well as a couple of vitamin deficiencies, migraines and the effects of a poor diet

so now she’s trying to treat her body like a temple.. by eating as much red meat and veggies, and drinking as much water, as possible, god help the girl

curses quite a bit

has a fear of living alone ?? kind of, she’s used to being glued to the side of her dads/group-mates that the idea of living by herself, although prob more fulfilling for her, is a bit terrifying

also has a fear of cicadas and ordering inside of takeout restaurants lmao

but first fear aside, she doesn’t rly have a dependency on people

has a very staunch standing on many things regarding her career now, finally — and properly — putting herself first for once

also has a problem with prioritizing herself in almost anything

i might add more later ?? for now that’s it tbh

so that’s mona !! if you’d like to plot, message me or like this and i’ll come to you. i’ll post a small connections ooc later on ! 

[backtothestart02]

Ooh me! I'd love to know your thoughts!

Yesss!!! Thank you @magickgirl786 for letting me liiiiive!!! lol

*clears throat* Ok.

So, from the very beginning we have all been wondering how the HECK does it make sense for Caitlin Snow, the sweetest doctor you’ll ever meet, turn into Killer Frost (name is pretty self explanatory) when she gets meta powers (that aren’t even given to her from Flashpoint - as far as we know.)

Here is my theory: it’s a process.

(CAUTION: I am very pissed about her behavior in 3x15, so keep that opinion in mind as you read. If you love her to bits still and plan on fiercely defending her, I would leave now. Also, I ship westallen - if you’re new to my blog - so I will be annoyed by any SB assumptions.)

Throughout the course of this season, the audience has gone from saying “how can she possibly be evil just by having powers” to “they are the same person. how can people not see this?” (at least some of the audience has) The shift in questions says it loud and clear. Using the powers for too long makes Caitlin blatantly evil and want to go on a murderous rampage, but having the powers in her system PERIOD, even subdued, is making her becoming Killer Frost slowly over time, which is why her selfishness explained away by her fear of becoming Killer Frost has become more clear every time she has to use her powers. Her mentality is shifting. This makes her becoming evil inevitable. It’s essentially in her DNA now and so makes it another headline that will be impossible to change.

Why aren’t people getting clued in to this? THEY ARE BLIND. They’re also highly distracted by the biggest future event, which is, of course, Iris being killed by Savitar. Team Flash doesn’t see Caitlin as Killer Frost. They see her as kind, helpful, sweet, selfless Caitlin. They agree with her when she’s hesitant to use her powers because she’s afraid of becoming the opposite of what she is. They don’t see what’s happening right in front of them unless it's right in their face (i.e. when she goes full blown Killer Frost). They refuse to believe she could actually slowly be turning evil because they know the Caitlin Snow before she got powers; and also, as I said, because they’re focused on saving Iris.

Caitlin isn’t aware this is happening to her either. All she knows is that she doesn’t want to be evil and that desire that was initially really scary but less fearful once she got help from her friends (cuffs, necklace, etc) is becoming overwhelming. Even more so, she’s likely trying to stifle this by the fact that she feels the team (particularly Barry) only sees her future as Killer Frost as a headline that needs to be changed/prevented to avoid Iris’s death. It’s not about doing it for Caitlin’s sake. It’s about doing it to save Iris. I have no doubt that deep down Caitlin feels like they’re taking advantage of her powers whenever they decide they need them and don’t care how it affects her in the long run, except in relation to saving Iris. The fact that she’s burying these feelings only hurries along her descent to Killer Frost mentality.

And this is why it will be particularly difficult for Barry to go up against her in season 4, if she becomes the Big Bad.

THEY ARE ON THE SAME JOURNEY.

(Really hoping SBers don’t use this line of thought to gush over them being endgame, but it prob can’t be prevented…)

Barry is terrified of losing Iris, so much so that he’s making rash decisions and damaging his relationship with her. Caitlin is terrified of becoming Killer Frost and is burying any feelings of resentment she feels from the team because she knows it’s selfish and that way lies madness. Bottom line is they’re both going to be driven to the brink of insanity trying to prevent the future from becoming a reality. Barry didn’t see what was wrong in proposing to Iris for the sake of saving her life, just like Caitlin didn’t quite register what keeping a piece of the stone to save herself on her own might end up doing. The difference is that Barry has an Iris who will pull him back from that edge. Caitlin doesn’t have someone to keep her grounded in that way.

Sure, she has Cisco, and she kind of has Julian (though I personally think she’s been using him from the beginning and is in denial of that fact b/c he’s a good guy who has feelings for her), but it’s not quite the same thing.

And that’s why when Barry is pulled out of the speed force after sacrificing himself to save Iris, he’ll be better for it. By then it’ll be too late for Caitlin. I fully believe that if Savitar approached her with the promise of taking away her powers, she’d give in, and he’d manage to convince her to keep her powers and essentially become his free agent because he’d show her just how free and in control she could feel instead of being afraid of how it makes her look in the eyes of the people she thought cared about her and how it twists her own personal morals. Imagine living in fear on the daily of becoming something horrific and then being free of that fear. What a relief to have that burden lifted.

What will make Barry going up against Caitlin in season 4 so hard isn’t just because she was his friend (was EVERYBODY’S friend), but because he knows firsthand how she got to where she was, because he WAS exactly where she was. He was terrified of the future and almost went crazy with the responsibility of having to change it - JUST LIKE CAITLIN. Not to mention he was negligent of how she was feeling most of the time because he was so focused on saving Iris.

Every villain up until now (with the exception of Savitar) has thrown into Barry’s face “you and I are the same.” Well, guess what? In the case of Caitlin, it’s true. She was a good person faced with a predicament that terrified her, and instead of coming out on the other side, she fell into darkness and became the worst version of herself. And because of these powers thrumming in her veins, it was inevitable. It just happened faster than it would have because of the effect the team had on her while she was trying to fight it.

I think sometime between now and when Savitar is supposed to kill Iris, Caitlin will snap. Her bottled up emotions will come out and she will BE Killer Frost without even having her eyes glow. I sensed it so fully in this last ep. Her behavior was sketchy and she just felt fake. I’m sure she felt she was being sincere in her confession and apology, and everyone bought it because she’s CAITLIN, their FRIEND. But as an objective viewer who has loved Caitlin from day one (she was my fav after Barry in season 1!), she didn't FEEL like Caitlin. She felt like Killer Frost pretending to be Caitlin. I fully believe that it’s only a matter of time until she becomes KF and it will have nothing to do with her using her powers too much.

That, my friends, is my theory on Caitlin Snow becoming Killer Frost and why it will make her a particularly difficult villain to fight. They will want to save her and she will be so far gone that she won’t want to be saved.

[noniesays]

6/10/16

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” - Tim Keller

be yourself, everyone else is taken. i’ve had so much on my mind lately, but have yet to put it down, pen to paper. as much as i like jotting everything down, my hand grows tired and before i’m finished with all my thoughts...my hand is tired and i don’t get everything that i want to down. i guess that’s why i’m here. life is has been a whirlwind. every day, i try to wake up and be thankful for what i have, but it does get hard sometimes. i’m not perfect and i’m not trying to be. but it’s easy to curate a life that looks or seems perfect. no one knows my inner struggles or turmoil. no ones knows the deep dark thoughts that cross my mind. no one knows the pain and sorrow that i have felt. from the exterior, i am a jolly & positive human being - that i am...but i have my bad days too. in order to be true to myself, i need to accept and acknowledge these bad days. and boy, have i had a lot. i’ve learned a lot in the last few months, especially last few weeks. i am not who i was 1 month ago, 3 months, 6 months ago, ect ect. life has changed me. experiences have changed me. people have changed me. 

NYC was a great getaway, the main thing that i wanted to get out of the trip was to see if i could see myself living there. SF is alright, and it was a big step leaving the next but NYC would be wild, wouldn’t it be? when i was over, i found myself wandering the streets and getting lost in my thoughts. is this a place that i could see myself living? i still don’t know, but it was nice to be out of the tech bubble that is silicon valley and feeling the independence of being in a new city. mom and vanessa are very dependent of me. they may never admit it, but they both need me to a degree. that being said, i make my own decisions and i have been so much more conscious about saying what i want vs. what they want me to say. it’s liberating and i think a huge part of me becoming my own person and an adult. NYC was cool, but the bay is my home. i would love to work in NYC from time to time, but unless i have a lover or something, i think my roots reside in CA. speaking of lovers...i’ve come to the realization that if love isn’t in the cards for me..i will be okay. of course, i want it to happen, but i’m getting older and it just seems like slim pickings these days. i went out last night with christine to 1015 folsom and it made be abhor guys and that scene. i’m getting waaaayy over it. if it happens, i welcome it. but i’m going to trust God and his plan for me. i also need to get the idea of Chris Moe out of my head. i am infatuation with him....sort of like how i was when i was 16 years old. it’s like a bad habit. checking to see if he has new pictures, checking snap to see if he posted...it’s making me feel really sick. the reality of the situation is that we don’t live in the same city and until we meet again IRL...the thought of something actually developing is so miniscule. yeah, perhaps i was giving off friend vibes but he is doing the same. why am i spending so much time thinking and fantasizing about this person...when chances are...he may not event spend a minute thinking about me? :/ i need to check my expectations at the door. it’s a work in progress. there are so many other things that i can and should focus my time and energy on. that improv class you were thinking about taking? do it. figuring what workout you wanna try next? sign up. pick-up new hobbies, read more, learn something new, hit up an old friend....there are so many other productive things that i could be doing with my time than fantasizing about a guy who lives in another state. i just get caught up with the history and idea of what we could be. i guess only time will tell. i have no control over the situation, the only thing that i can do right now is make sure that i’m happy & taking care of myself.

work is okay. i don’t find myself constantly complaining about Blend, which is new to me...perspective is powerful and once i shifted my mindset everything change. i am lucky that i have this job that has enabled to have so many new experiences. i have a manager who supports and believes in me and cares about my success. i have the flexibility to go on vacations whenever i please. all in all, i have nothing to complain about. i remember the days and nights where i dreaded going to work. i remember these moments so clearly and it makes me really sad. i was so broken and i just wanted someone to come into my life and fix me. i kept going though and in due time, i fixed myself. i got through it. and i’m excited for the next step in my career, really excited. during my 1:1 with sarah this week, we talked about the next steps and i’m excited to build on my current skillset and become and bomb ass recruiter. oh and i’d like to make more $$$$ so i can chip in at home. speaking of $$$, i HATE paying rent. seriously, it is the bane of my existence. i’m literally burning money every month. i say this now, but i plan to move home or find something a lot cheaper as soon as the lease in the presidio ends. lol about the presidio, not sure how i feel about my roommmates. i realise i have prob become that roommate that keeps to herself in her room. but you know what? i’m talking all day every day. if i dont want to socliaze with you, i don’t have to! bye!

finding my faith again. it’s slow, but it’s happening, and it’s by my own volition. when i was in NYC, and Deepi guided me to St. Pauls...i felt a magnitude of love. from my dear friend and from god. it’s was all encompassing and my heart wanted to burst because i felt so loved. i will never forget that feeling as i was walking through the church. 

[survivorindia]

Playing with Jordan Pines is like playing with knives- Sarah (Episode 5)

I'm sorry Bernel had to leave like that and I really hope everything's okay with him, but in a way, it may very well be a secret savior. Not enough talking was done up until that point so I have no idea who would've left - Robin assured me she didn't want Lexi or I gone and that OG whatever the hell our tribe name was should stick together, and Julia/Alex and I were on call for the challenge and agreed we didn't want any of us to go since we're arguably the most active and we certainly helped the most with the movie, but even then... I can't say my social game is top notch. I'm simply not built to be a social player, I lack all the skills necessary. But luckily some people on here ain't active enough that I can cover up my own discrepancies with their lack of appearance. There's other fish to fry yet, and hopefully I can live to see the jury...

W'elp, the lacklusterishness has come back to bite me. I've gotta approach everyone I talk to, and the two people I don't approach constantly throw my name out. The tribe's turning like eggs on a hot summer day. That's no bueno, no bueno at all...

Luckily, Alex and Julia are hopefully going to help me 'ere. They're attempting to convince them to split the votes on probs Jaiden and I, and then we strike. We can flip this - failure's not an option, because failure means my head on the guillotine. No second chances.

Jaiden's down for rocks, it seems, if it comes down to it. Robin's promised to not vote me. So I think I should be able to live here... I hope so... I'm too young to die.

I do think enough people will vote dom out, and than again I don't because the plan is highkey messy. Like there is literally a 4/4 split in our tribe as of now. It's me, alex, jaiden, and Johnny on the best side, and the other is the losers. But if we lie to them correctly we can get them to split their votes and than we vote the majoirty with hope the vote turns out as 4-2-2

I'm absolutely freaking out right about now. This vote is terrifiying me and I don't want to leave. Like I don't know what is going to happen like this is all going to be so insane. I'm playing with people who could, or could not be messy as hell. Like I need some sort of security, and when I don't feel grounded I get worried. And that is all because I'm a Taurus which is down to Earth, and I dont feel comfortable when I don't feel like I'm in a secure situation, or know what will happen. And right now I CANNOT let my nerves get the best of me, I won't let it happen. I just want to be able to say I made TS Jury, and even more my next goal if I made the jury would to be to take it to the end of this game with Sarah. Because that would be the best situation to be put in because I would feel like I did something good and memorable in this game. And I just don't want to keep having my chances jeopardized. Like I never thought this game was going to be THAT HARD. Like I was booted very early in Bangladesh and I cannot LET that happen again. I just want to do good. And I have no idea if I can trust going to rocks, I will be so terrifiyed of being eliminated, and that would suck. I just don't know what to do im at my mental point where Jazmine is about to come out and we all know that does not need to happen at all.

: I'm legit so sick of this tribe what the hell. So we lost the first challenge which would have been a super easy challenge to win if people actually participated and were more hands on, than we loose this and it could have been executed better by other tribe members if they did the challenge more diligently. And my score of 7 is an overall average score so that shows that I still want to be here. Unlike these lazy idiots who jeopardize my game every three days because their lazy asses can't put forth 30 mins of their time tops to actually try in a challenge. This is tumblr survivor bitches, so maybe you should get your shit together instead of me having to suffer because most of you are lazy messes. And that goes to dom, jaiden, Robin, and Lexi. Fuck you guys right now I'm so mad. 

So we won the challenge which is nice. I think I am in a decent spot on this tribe tbh due to us having an innactive player and me being pretty decently connected to people. I'm sort of in a few alliances though we don't really have any chats, like I'm in an alliance with Sarah and Julia and I'm in a returnee alliance on our tribe of Me, Sarah, Kendall, Gavin and Ashley. I like to think I am going to be in a decent spot going forward. We haven't had to go to tribal on this tribe but Whitney sort of disappeared so I am sure if we lose she would be the one to go 100%. I think things are good right now.

I guess we are going to rocks tonight. I don't know what to say. Sorry Dom but you won't speak to me about this. I told you. I hope I get rocked out tonight. For once, I didn't want to make a big move. If Dom plays his idol and exposes my betrayal, then at least I can say that I knew this was coming.

http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/mreidjr/78051217/7913/7913_900.gif So I just went on call with Dom. And you know what he told me? He said that Sarah and Julia have told him everything I said about him. From how I felt like he was too much, how I didn't like him at all, how I wanted to use him to get further in the game. All that shit. That's why I voted for him, according to them. It's real funny because for a while, I did believe those things to be true. Sarah was the first person I talked to about all that. I thought she was my friend, I really did. But I see why she's on the villains tribe, because she's a heartless, cold-blooded viper. The entire Dom vote came as a result of her and Julia wanting him gone. Certainly, I didn't help with them coming to that decision, but it's become evident to me that this is the person everyone parades around and claims to be best friends with. We talk about that Bangladesh final tribal where Sarah cries over how Eddie betrayed her so badly, but then here she is, acting like a complete hypocrite. She can say that these two situations are not the same, which they are not, but the knife she plunged into my back burns the same. I can't say that I didn't see this coming. I fucked up, so it makes sense why everything spilled out in front of me on the dirt floor. Now I have to work on making people like me again, because I don't think they'll trust me for a while. We can say that I have a long road ahead before I can regain their trust, but the truth is that I have a much steeper path to the finish than before. They might not ever trust me, so I need to give them a reason to understand me. I don't know how, but I'll try. I'll take the knife that was firmly planted in my back and return it to its rightful owner one day. I did these things for her, and while she was always on my hit list, no matter that she was low, I think she's found her way to the top. Karma is a bitch, and so is she. Maybe I won't win this fight, but I think I'll die trying, and I'm at peace with that.

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ @ Johnny potentially going home. If he doesn't, well...┬──┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ)

Ok so more happened after that video, so i went on call with julia and we talked about how she thinks jaiden doesnt want to work with her and wants to lowkey work with dom but then jaiden called me, and SPILLED TEA THAT DOM HAS THE IDOL ...SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER And he still wants dom out so i lowkey forced jaiden on julia, alex and johnny and thats half their tribe..So then they need one more person. But they came up with amazing idea to scare the other side...dom,ruben,lexi and robin that johnny has the idol bc all those 4 ppl want to vote him out...SO IF THOSE 4 SPLIT THE VOTE BC THEYRE SCARED OF AN IDOL THEN THEY WOULD BE MAJORITY AND HONESTLY IM HERE FOR IT. I WANT DOM GONE AND I WANT TO WORK WITHJOHNNY, JULIA, JAIDEN AND ALEX IN MERGE OR COME SWAP SO BAD !!! im so nervous for them but excited at the same time :~) also julia and i came up with a name for just us and u can now call us Salia ....ISNT THAT CUTE FUCKCKODKSJF

So as far as my tribe goes: From what I know, Jordan has the idol. In addition to that, Dom also has the idol. I have supposed to not tell anyone about what Jordan tells me. Everything I know goes straight to Alex or to Ashley to ensure that those bonds stay solid. As of now, I've been trying to keep relations open with everyone on my tribe, especially Liam because keeping Liam safe premerge shows Johnny post merge that I'm trustworthy. So what I've told Liam is that Jordan and a few others have the idea of a returnees alliance and that he might be on the chopping block, though I reassured him that is not the reality of the matter. If he seems to be going home, I am open to flipping against the returnees. So that's where I stand right now, I have my Ashley relationship which branches out to Casey. I have my Liam relationship which branches out to Johnny. I have my Jordan Pines relationship which branches out to Sarah and Dom. So all in all, I feel safe on my tribe. And I believe that Whitney will be the first to go if we head to tribal.

Other Tribe Thoughts: So my main ally in this game is Alex, I trust him more than anybody else. What I need to be weary of is that he has a great social game which may prove to be an issue for my game further down the line. In the short term, I still want to work in his best interest which tend to align with my best interest. Because of that, I've continued to talk to him, despite being on different tribes. I told Alex as soon as I found out about Dom's idol. He's now looking closely at who Dom is aligned with as we move closely towards this tribal. The issue is is that Dom seems to be close with Jaiden and Ruben. With Ruben dating Lexi, and that right there is 4 people. So it doesn't look like Dom will go home unless Alex can pull a fast one on Dom. I plan to now get on a call with Alex, to find out what is going on presently in the Parvati tribe, but Dom going home is the best case scenario for me for the following reasons Dom is close with Jordan Dom is close with Jaiden Jaiden and Jordan have one less ally, and one more friend in me to depend on and that helps me from a social standpoint. Furthermore, any blood falls on Alex's hands and not minds since he will be exectuing the final action. lastly we get rid of an idol. that could hurt me down the line.

Alex is going for the jugular this round. I hope Johnny stays... hasta la vista Dom ;) Also, PINES, you're a scary player. Please implode sooner rather than later ^__^

LITERALLY I'M ON TRIBAL CALL RIGHT NOW. I FEEL LIKE I'M ABOUT TO BE VOTED OUT. DOM TOLD ME HE DIDNT KNOW ABOUT THE VOTE, RUBEN TOLD ME HE TOLD DOM ABOUT THE VOTE. REGAN SAID SHE ALREADY HAD THE VOTES WHICH MEANS DOM IS A LIAR AND SO IS RUBEN IF I'M OUT I WILL COMMIT

So real life has gotten in the way and I’m a ball of depression so I have no idea where I left off. Therefore, I will recap the first two tribals in this confessional. Aidan left after voting me which was not surprising since he was acting suspicious and I heard Monte was planning on keeping him and ridding the tribe of me after that. I had thrown him a lifeline by telling him the group wanted him out and I would vote with him so if he had just brought himself, Monte and I together that would be a tie at least and I believe I could have possibly gotten Ruben to vote with me. Alas, he did not do that and lied to me while getting voted out unanimously. Steven was rocked out on the other newbie tribe which was crazy for a first tribal? No idea whatsoever of what’s happening over there so let’s move on. If I keep showing up for challenges then I believe that I could make it through a little while longer until a swap where I can hope they target bigger threats and I can hide. Still no luck on finding that idol; the grid is huge but someone could possibly have it already?

Monte left unanimously which was a relief and from the other villains tribe, Ace got the boot which I have no opinion on since it was unanimous and I have no clue as to who he is. Here I am, slaving away, trying to make sure our tribe does not go to tribal by doing the challenge all by myself. I have enough votes for a tie so why do I care at all if Casey does not care to stay, we shall never know. Well I do know, but that takes away from my needed dramatic statement. I just don’t care to lose my mind once more at a tribal. The challenge came down to who submitted quickly and I submitted at the perfect time and won us the challenge. The returnee villains were fuming but if they had an issue with the way it was going to be submitted then they had more than enough time to voice their concerns which they did not until they had lost. I can finally relax for once and just watch as others get taken out.

Nicole got the boot which is a bit unfortunate as I believe I could have worked with her as we are in another game together. Although, she never responds to any messages at times as I found out from that other game which makes me uneasy when I am trying to decipher if she is with me or against me. She came off as a brat to the other returnee villains is what I was told but I did not pay close enough attention to that situation to have an opinion. ~~~Swap time~~~ We have 4 newbies against 5 returnees and 4 villains against 5 heroes so as you can probably do the math, I, Lexi, am in minority, no matter which way you spin it. Jordan came up to me quickly and proposed that the villains stick together and I am all "HELL YEAH! That idea rocks!" but on the inside, I'm more of a "well dude, I would practically align with Satan himself at this point to keep myself safe".

t’s me Lexi hi, just dropping by to say I can feel myself losing my sanity day by day. I still hate most of these people which I cannot place my finger on as to why? A large possibility due to myself hating life right now I suppose. They are a-okay folks; I just needed a dramatic statement to start this off since it's been relatively boring on our tribe. Some speak, some don't, some are playing quite hard... by some I only mean Jordan on that last one. I'll keep him close as I can to push in front of me as a nice shield for later on, but it is hard to trust the guy as I believe him to be close with a number of other people. I love this challenge we had, it's cute and doesn't consume too much time. We won and I will most likely not be in an alliance chat still so here's to hoping for another swap or an early merge. I want to blow up and do something fun but is it too early? Stay tuned

alright so my schedule's getting cleared up. i've got more time and been talking to the few people I hadn't gotten a chance to talk to. it looks like lexi and ruben aren't targets for this tribal. i'm surprised honestly because back in nayak they felt very threatened by their relationships. it makes me feel a little skeptical that there might be some major scheming going on that im not aware of. but i feel fairly confident that i'll be safe as well as lexi and ruben. i've talked to everyone on the tribe and no one has brought them up. the vote is supposed to be split with johnny and jaiden but since johnny has openly targeted and gone to rocks to get rid of lexi, we've decided it's better for johnny to leave. we might upset a few people but at that point we'll be down to 7. lexi, ruben, and i trust each other a lot so i don't see any of us targeting each other. i think either ruben or dom could be with us so im not too worried about any effects this tribal will have.    

Ok so i stopped guessing for the idol because Dom told Ruben he already has it so thats fine. Dom,Johnny,Alex dont talk to me so yikes but dom is close to ruben so i dont really care all that much. Alex came to ruben and said he wants boys to vote jaiden and girl to vote johnny. Which im voting johnny either way but so is ruben and dom so we should be sending johnny out the door which obviously i would love since he didnt have the balls to talk to me after all that rocks shit went down. Alex hasnt even talked to me about the plan so like ok? I dont trust him, he keeps telling ruben WE HAVE TO SPLIT but like youre probably just trying to save johnnys ass and send jaiden home. I mean who knows what Julia,Johnny and Alex are trying to plan. All i know is im voting johnny and so should robin,ruben,dom, and jaiden. Julia says she is but like who knows. Its just weird to me that johnny isnt trying to scramble to anyone.

[warnerbro]

i hate you aka morning after

Boo: [So with her final words, Boo's just standing there. He finally mustered the courage to close the door, and turn on his way to meet Cilla. Probably tell her the news, and look at her one last time as she'll probably be out pretty fast. So he treks up the stairs, and pauses at the doorway, as he finds a Cilla almost clothed. He smiles at the gorgeous creature, just smiles. because let's just enjoy this moment rq.]

Cilla: [Cilla's putting on yesterday's clothes, and she's heard nothing, except maybe a knock on the door, and it didn't faze her that it could be anything bad, because, like I said, she's literally forgotten about Donnie's existence right now. So, when Boo came in and smiled, she gave him a bright smile back as she put on her last piece of clothing.] Who was that at the door?

Boo: [He took a step closer, hugged Cilla, as he wasn't ready to answer that question. The last time he called Melissa a nobody, he ended up with a million slaps across his face, so that wasn't an option either. Instead, he hugged her, kissed her forehead, and pulled away, and also turned away. There's silence until he reaches the doorway, he spins and his attitude is obviously shaken, did I not mention that? He nervously knocks at the doorframe, lightly and then spill.] You're sister-in-law, or... future sister-in-law, I suppose. [There's a frown.]

Cilla: [Did she find the need to be concerned over the fact that he didn't answer her question immediately? Honestly, probably not. She's too busy in her blissful state of forgetting everything outside of this house. So, when he pulls her close, she says nothing, but just nuzzles into him. Just a lil bit before he pulls back, ya know. And then his words came, and she was forced to come crashing back into her reality. She had a fiance. -- And what she had done. Her face fell, and her breathing picked up. What had she done?] Melissa??? What- What did she say?

Boo: Oh nothing. Nothing but nice things... Wants to have dinner some time... [he's joking, laughing and joking, because it's completely understandable that Melissa would continue to ruin their lives together, right? he shakes his head and here comes seriousness, and sulking okay.] She said Donnie knows... about... [digress, stares at the floor, bye.]

Cilla: [Now is not the time for jokes, Boo. Cilla is nigh onto hyperventilation. She doesn't appreciate the jokes. But then. Oh, but then, he said what had really been said, and, somehow, her breathing sped up even more. She started pacing around the room, looking for her things.] Oh- Oh my God. I can't...

Boo: Can't...? [so he's going to watch her set herself on fire for a bit, and then finally actually join her, stand by her, and pull on her shoulders to try to control her pacing. her thinking because panic Cilla has never been good Cilla.] Hey. It's going to be alright. Okay?

Cilla: [Hands are on her, and that sets the panicked Cilla off just a bit more, and her hands fly up, trying to shoo Boo off of her, because stop it, she wants to pace.] No it's not! It's not okay. I just--... cheated on my fiance. That's not--...

Boo: [so fine. break away, he lets her. so the flames go up in the air, and Boo starts panicking himself because he hates that word fiance and cheating makes is seem so juvenile, but that wasn't what happened. It wasn't just cheating , right?] It's not what... Cil?

Cilla: [She starts shaking her head, and then dropping her head in her hands, and then probably shaking a little.] I shouldn't have-- I shouldn't have done this. He's gonna be so upset. [she's mostly talking to herself here.]

Boo: [And Boo can't hear this, so he's just gonna leave. He's gonna start walking out the door because gfdi he can not hear this, but before he leaves, he takes one look at her, and surely his pain is dripping with his sad eyes like y r u doing this to me] Yeah, I think you should go.

Cilla: [Guess WHAT, SHE'S PROBABLY GONNA CRY NOW. Like, she's gonna lift her head from her hands, and there's gonna be NICE LITTLE TEARS GLITTERING AROUND IN THERE. And she's so at war with herself right now, she could puke, for real.] Boo... I--.

Boo: No. [hands in the air.] You don't get to do that. [UPSET AS WELL. LEt's say there is a nice big huffy bear exhale and yeah, there's gonna be some of his own tears of which are going to spill, real soon. because heartbreak number 3? 4? fine, let's go.] You can't just... [Yep there goes Boo in an angry mess at the doorway trying to find the right way to yell at Cilla, but there's just a mess of words, instead.] So that's where we are? Shouldn't have happened. [ he nods.]

Cilla: [She's upset, he's upset, what else is new? There's a nice big shaky inhale, because clearly he doesn't get it at all.] Do you not realize how hard this is for me? [Yup, for real crying now.] This was-- amazing, but Boo, he's my fiance, and... he doesn't deserve this.

Boo: Oh. You're fiance. [DeaDPan. A sarcastic low chuckle and a sniffle follows.] Well, what about me, Cil? Do I deserve this? [and even if she's crying, even if he doesn't want to fight with her, he has to because he's goiNG TO FIGHT FOR HER.] Are you just going to ask me to take it all back, too? Shouldn't have happened... never happened.

Cilla: No! That's the thing, you don't either! Neither of you do! [She's sad yelling.] I'm not asking you to do that. It's just... this isn't easy! Just see that! It isn't easy!

Boo: Let me make it easier for you. [so he walks up to her, grabs her tiny hands in his bear hands, and he's probably laying kisses on them, rip.] Can you just think about it, one minute? Think about your life without me. Is it with him, because, if you can honestly say--- if you pick him... [he's gonna let go, because even looking in her eyes, he can't reach her. She's gone. She's too busy thinking of how hard a decision would be, he's sure.] If you leave now--- [he's just gonna digress. bye.]

Cilla: [And no, she can't imagine a life without Boo now. She'd gone this long without him, and everything felt fine then, but now that she's had him back, even for just this short amount of time, losing him all over again would be hell. However...] No matter what I do someone's getting hurt.

Boo: [so now he's fully convinced, tugging at the ends of his hair because time for him to pull his hair out. all over again. He knows--- he walks away, and now he's just a big ball of anger, greif and heartache, because they are back to where they were before they met in the hospital. He's the one who is going to get hurt. He was the one hurting, and it was all too famliar, but he continued on. As if he had a chance, and even if he did, he was determined to win this fight.] So... so what? Someone's going to get hurt. Been there. [Boo shRUG AF] So if you're going to do it. Do it now. Leave, but just know if you leave now, I hate you. [gRiTTING THROUGH HIS TEETH BECAUSE GUESS WHAT HE DOESN"T MEAN IT YIKES BYE.]

Cilla: [She stopped, and at that she just looked at him. She didn't say anything. He'd hate her? Well, that wouldn't be anything new, would it? It still killed her to hear it, but it wouldn't be new. But, no, he didn't get it. She'd made promises, and she made a life, and after everything, she couldn't just pretend like all of that meant nothing to her, because it did. And maybe it didn't feel like it did with him, but it was still something, and she still didn't want him to hurt either. She didn't want either of them to be hurt. But, she couldn't just sit here and let Donnie believe whatever it was he was believing. Because he probably had it all wrong. No. As much as the thought itself pained her, she had to talk to him at least. She had to walk out the door... just for that. She'd had him hate her before-- what would be different now?] I just... I have to talk to him. [She took a few steps, heading towards the door.] I have to. I'm so sorry. I have to.

Boo: [Hands in the air, like fine. ] That's it then?

Cilla: [And guess what? She says nothing, she just shakes her head, because no it's never it, but she walks out the door anyway, off she pops to the Donmeister.]

Boo: [So a completely destroyed and torn apart Boo Warner watches her leave, and he tells himself it will be for the last time. Because it was always, and would only ever be him fighting Cilla for Cilla. So he let's her go. Without so much as a goodbye, he just yells after her.] Will you just stay with me? Please. [but she's out the door off to donnie bye.]