#in order to meet their needs without even acknowledging mine

[cesium-sheep]

ah. it's not just the way they carry themselves like a neurotic horse about to bolt at any moment that sets me on edge about arin's sibling. it's also the way they suddenly drop deeply emotionally intimate conversations on her without them seeming to have that level of actual bidirectional emotional closeness. yknow, like all the people on my plate before I got too sick to carry them.

[suguann]

✎. you've been on the run for a while. you knew someone would come eventually—but not him.

tags. fem!reader, old west era, bounty hunter simon, size difference, size kink, implied the reader's husband is a terrible human, accidental voyeurism, period-typical sexism, masturbation [18+ only]

masterlist

You’ve been running for months, first from your husband (the phantom grip of his hand still sending an ache through your wrist) and now as a wanted conwoman for stealing the clothes from an unsuspecting cowpoke who thought he was getting lucky. You can only imagine what Mama would say about trading your ruffled skirts for grass-stained trousers and boiled-leather suspenders.

(It’s unbecoming of a respectable woman, dear. Uncouth.)

She’d probably have a lot to say if she knew everything you’ve done to survive.

You hop from one place to the next only by the mere chance someone was willing to let a helpless woman accompany them on their travels. Nearly a month has passed since being stranded in a dusty old mining town after a man and his wife dump you off and leave you behind. Washoe’s a little gritty and not welcoming unless there’s money to spend.

It’s not exactly safe, not unsafe, either, but nobody asks questions as long as you keep your head down and play the part of a mourning widow just passing through.

You know you’ve overextended your stay when you can’t leave your room during the day without worrying about a noose and the open end of a barrel meeting you outside. 

(That your husband or that gun-waving cowpoke finally found you.)

Sleep practically clings to you like a second skin, but you don’t dare close your eyes—you can’t.

This is how you end up sitting in the corner of the saloon, using the last of whatever you have in your change purse to order something strong, something your husband kept locked away, and anything else he thought women shouldn’t have a part in. 

You don’t even realize that your eyelids begin to feel heavy, steadily blurring out the flickering lantern on the wall while you wait for your drink. 

You catch yourself once or twice before your head can hit the table, rapidly blinking away the exhaustion before your eyes slide to the swinging doors.

You should stay awake. 

You need to stay awake just a little bit longer—

Your luck runs out that day. 

It’s one thing to know it’d happen eventually, and something else to realize that you make it easy for him—the man with an infamous name and a faded black bandana covering half his face—how he walked into the saloon and scooped you up (all unladylike sleepy dead weight) out of the weathered booth without a fight.

When you’d woken up to find yourself trussed up and thrown over the back of his horse, you cursed him out with every word you could think of that would make Mama clutch her skirts. Your captor ignored you, only talking to you whenever he warned you he was about to set up camp. 

“Did my husband send you?” Acknowledging him after all this time tasted like pennies on your tongue.

The man, Simon Riley, had leaned back against his bedroll and tipped the brim of his hat over his eyes. “Go the fuck to sleep.”

That was several weeks ago. 

Now, you find yourself stranded in another state that’s more green and vibrant than anything you’re familiar with, stuck with a man who refuses to answer the questions you throw at him. He doesn’t talk outside a few cursory words you greedily latch onto. Anything’s better than silence and the sound of hooves hitting earth. 

The pace he keeps you at is exhausting. You complain about it enough until he moves you in front of him, tying your hands to the saddle's horn.

“I would strongly advise you to shut that mouth for the rest of the ride unless you want me to do something about that, too.” The low growl of his voice in your ear makes the fine hairs on the back of your neck stand up, muddling your brain.

You’re distantly aware you had something to say to that, but you don’t. 

And that is really saying something.

It’s because there’s someone he needs to meet in town—an errand that lawbreakers who run their mouths aren’t allowed to go on.

This is how you end up sitting in camp alone, twirling around a knife he gave you solely for emergencies. 

(Surprise, sharp and quick through your middle, when he tosses his pocket knife into the grass beside you. “What’s to stop me from leaving?”

You could’ve sworn he rolled his eyes. “Will you?”

It doesn’t seem worth dignifying with a reply. You don’t want to travel alone, and there’s a high possibility of getting lost, finding yourself saddled up with worse company than the one you’re stuck with.

Until he evidently catches you again.)

He’s a lot nicer than you first gave him credit for—if only by a fraction—not that you know much about Simon other than what you overheard from gossip circles before you became Mrs. Thornton. Afternoons spent sipping tea laden with honey and lounging around a table full of cakes in the sun parlor while wealthy women talked behind their lace-covered hands to hide secret smiles you were too naive to understand. 

Trying not to stare at the bulge of his arms with thin pink scars—unlike the men you’re used to who got through life with a silver spoon hanging from their mouth—as he places his saddle back on his horse, you think you finally know what they smiled about.

You learn those scars also litter his torso from the time you accidentally walked upon him mid-way through putting his trousers on after washing in the river. It’d been too dark for you to see much else, and you quickly returned to camp before he could say something that would embarrass you both. 

Then, of course, tucked away into your bedroll, you can’t help wondering what the rest of him would have looked like if you had stayed a second longer. 

If his jaw is sharp or soft behind that mask he insists on wearing—that’s if he’d let you see at all. 

Simon’s always so serious that it’s often hard to determine whether he’s merely tolerating your existence until he can get rid of you or if he’s unused to traveling accompanied for so long. It’s not as if he goes out of his way to make pleasant conversation with you for you to assume otherwise.

You look off in the direction where he disappeared into the dense line of trees hours ago, wondering if you should go out looking for him (mainly because you’re hot and sticky from the humidity) despite his order to stay put. 

But after four hours turns into five, you head off, searching for something to help cool you off.

Luckily, unlike the heavily eroded lands you’re used to, there isn’t any water shortage in a place that sees rain three times a day, so it doesn’t take long to find a lake. You set your knife down on the stone-covered beach, followed by your boots, until you’re left in nothing but your undergarments. 

The water is icy cold and laps gently at your feet when you step in. You can’t find it in you to complain as the heat from the day slowly washes away the further you walk in and find a wide ledge to sit on. 

Your thoughts drift back to Simon, incessant and intruding even though you shouldn’t be thinking about him while wet and naked. And suddenly, you can picture it: his hands replacing yours as they trace along your neck. You have a feeling they’re probably rough and scarred from years of living hard and gunslinging, extracting the readily available knowledge that they’re big enough to encase your waist.

He could maneuver you around however he wants (you know this), and you feel dizzy just thinking about it.

Sighing, you sink deeper into the water while your hands smooth over the tips of your breasts and down your stomach. 

You wish you could see him without violating whatever personal preservations hide him from the rest of the world. Instead, you’re left with your imagination—the benefits of being a married woman and the little experience you have in the bedroom finally coming into play. 

Closing your eyes, you picture what he might look like under those sun-weathered leathers, knowing that the broadness of his shoulders isn’t only due to his vest and holsters but also from how his job has shaped him.

Your hands travel lower, fingers brushing through the creamy, soft wetness between your legs, evidence of what Simon does to you even when he’s not around. A moan, too high and breathy, slips past your lips as you use your middle finger to circle your clit in slow, clumsy swirls from lack of practice and patience that spreads warmth through your middle despite the cold water. 

It’s good, your fingers discovering places your husband always ignored—too many nights spent with your hand under your nightgown long after he’d tucked his cock away and gone to sleep—but probably don’t compare to the ones you’ve caught yourself staring at far too many times. 

They don’t fill you nearly enough, unlike how you know Simon’s would—thick and unrelenting. Rough and long, reaching deep enough to make you breathless.

Your breath hitches from pinching the tight, sensitive peak of your nipple until you feel a slight sting, and then it slips out, a tiny thing that’s only audible to your ears—Simon—a secret you now share with the lightning bugs and crickets.

“Dirty, no good rotten—” he’d tell you for thinking such lewd thoughts about him, for sinning so easily. Maybe you are, for getting so worked up over a man who isn’t your husband (no matter how terrible a husband he may be).

A man who’s so big that he makes you feel small, the type that gives before he takes. It’s enough to make you work your hand faster—your body vibrating from the chill of the water and the ache between your trembling thighs.  

Fantasies aren’t enough to sate the deep longing in your chest. Yet you’re slipping over the edge of ecstasy before taking your next breath—all of it builds up and gradually crests inside you like the lake rippling against the shore.

Afterward, it leaves you feeling soft and blurred around the edges, a watercolor painting drying under the sun while you wait for your rapid heartbeat to slow.

You don’t realize your eyes have fallen shut until they flutter open, and you’re startled to find Simon standing at the shoreline, his chest heaving as if he ran here. 

(Though he probably did to see if you took the opportunity to leave.)

You’re glued to your spot on the rock, suddenly struck with the mortifying realization that he’d seen you come—that he possibly heard you cry out his name so intimately.

You watch him remove his hat and hang it on a branch with wide eyes. Followed by his undershirt, guns, and—

He keeps removing clothes until he’s completely naked on the shore—aside from his face that stays hidden—scars marred his chest, spreading to his collarbones and below the water as he steps into the lake and sits on another ledge across from you.

His mask makes him look more menacing, erasing any trace of softness there. And you wonder if he’s angry at you for wandering off.

"Come here." His voice is low and deep, rumbling in his chest.

You don't think he'd hurt you. If he wanted to, he would have done it by now.

At least, that’s what you’re going with to settle the nervous fluttering in your middle.

Water laps at your arms as you wade through the water, each shaky step bringing you closer until you stop before him.

"In my lap."

Your breath sticks in your throat as you do as he says, settling down onto his sturdy thighs, palms falling flat against his broad chest. That same breath comes out in one large exhale as his fingers slide along your jaw, to the nape of your neck, curling into your hair, wet and falling around your shoulders.

“Like this?” you ask, trying to ignore how breathy you sound.

He grunts, apparently in confirmation.

You don’t think you’ve ever felt so conflicted in your life—fear and arousal turning into a messy cocktail in your veins.

“Why do I always have to use a heavy hand to make you listen?”

Your lips part. Breath growing short. “I’m sorry.”

And then—

Simon pulls your head back sharply, exposing your throat.

Your body goes slack against his. Mind blissfully blank.

“No,” he says, tone flat. “But you will be.”

[currentfandomkick]

Prompt:

Desiree overhears bruce wish for a do-over with his robins.

Said robins end up aged down and only with those memories of when they first were acknowledged as Robin by Bruce. Anything after? Gone.

Now Dick is 8 ready to destroy these people stealing his mom’s nickname for him. Yes he is deranged and feral. Yes he is assaulting Damian the most, as the kid also attacks him. He’s also certain Damian is mew to the states too and annoyed he cant understand the kid.

Jason is 12 and dealing with a Lot of homeless kid truama and whiplash of rich place and who are these other kids and why is the tiniest one trying to kill the second tiniest? Stop that! (Jason, the most responsible somehow) Damian listens to him best without the use of orders. (Only way to get Damian to listen otherwise) and is working on teaching Damian about how the states and Gotham work. Jason is the Great Culture Teacher, and hoarding food stashes and go bags everywhere. Just in case. Yes he has some for everyone and is only a little upset his peer Tim vanished before he could give him his.

Tim is 12 too, realized Batman had Jason Right There and fucked off back home to see what happened timeline wise. He decided to visit his apparent step-mom, Dana, and gets to meet his apparent(?) boyfriends (deal’s choice, just have there be two for Tim’s confusion as ‘i pulled not one but two hot boys? How?) reasons. Tim is Learning what he did in the last 6 years and is questioning how his older self stopped with a semi-regular sleep schedule and.. had no spleen? Dana, can we get that checked for me that mine’s still there and if i keep it? Yay. Oh, this should last a few months? Okay! He can work from home online and have Lucius handle the meetings—why was he made a teen CEO again?

Stephanie? Is the oldest at 15, and is baffled by the whole situation. She goes to see Oracle and handles patrols under Babs’ eye with a confused Cass. Yes Stephanie is mad at Tim and believes he was cheating on her at this time, but knows the Tim she saw was smaller. And this is in the future from her POV. She’s still mad. Also the least likely to cause problems on patrol atm as she’s already trained and threatened to break out Spoiler if he tries to stop her. Her favorites and Damian (he gets killing should be an option, but needs to work on his selection process) and Jason, who Gets being a poor kid. Dick stops attacking her on sight but is a savage and insults her form. He ranks below Tim due to proximity, and the fact this is a Tim before they dated.

Damian? Back maybe 2 years, to the mindset of ‘if i dont kill my predecessor, i am unworthy of my role by Father’s side.’ Problem: he and Dick are fighting (both initiate) and Alfred and Jason (when did his zombie guard get so small?) are the only ones able to separate them successfully. He is not allowed on Patrol, but Brown is as she’s able to run solo otherwise and Father has recruited her using Robin. Father has explicitly forbade attacking her in the manor, cave or otherwise on property, and forbid killing. Brown is the only one besides him questioning this, even if it’s mostly over comms… and he is absolutely working on learning magic to undo this spell and return to his rightful place damnit!

Bruce has Many Regrets about that wish. And hates magic

Meanwhile Danny is trying to work out which wishes of Desiree’s are safe to undo, as apparently her last spree included taking out Joker, who was well overdue for that, and helping a lot of families reunite. He’s not undoing that. But also she did help gorilla grodd take over a city. He. He’s gonna need help, isn’t he?

[lunarnightt]

𝐀𝐍𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐁𝐔𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔 ― PROLOGUE

Soulmates? What is a soulmate? A soulmate is someone who you feel a deep connection with, someone you are ultimately bounded to for the rest of your life and possibly in the next one. 

In the Jedi Order, a soulmate is assigned to each Jedi upon achieving the rank of Knight. This tradition symbolizes the maturity gained after leaving behind the role of Padawan. The connection is believed to help ground Jedi emotionally, serving as a reminder to resist the pull of hatred—a path that leads to the dark side of the Force.

Every Jedi Master has a soulmate, every knight has one as well. 

The soulmate bond can be either a blessing or a curse, depending on who fate pairs you with—sometimes even a mix of both. For some, the connection becomes a source of strength, while others exploit it as a means of power over those without one. After all, not every Jedi is granted a soulmate, and even when they are, their partner is rarely another Jedi. Instead, soulmates often come from outside the Order, adding complexity to an already delicate dynamic.

Jedi are strictly forbidden from forming attachments with anyone outside the Order, a rule that often complicates the soulmate bond. The Grand Master holds firm to the belief that such relationships pose a threat, potentially leading a Jedi toward the dark side of the Force. While this notion might seem far-fetched or overly cautious, history has proven otherwise. Past transgressions have shown how love and loyalty can cloud judgment, and as the saying goes, history has a way of repeating itself.

For many years, soulmates were strictly forbidden among the Jedi, even if two individuals felt the natural pull of such a bond. The Council believed that any attachment, even one between Jedi, could lead to dangerous emotional entanglements. That all changed years ago, during my father Qui-Gon Jinn's time as a Padawan. It was during this period that the Order, in a rare moment of leniency, allowed Jedi to acknowledge and embrace their soulmates. This decision paved the way for him to meet my mother, forever altering the course of his life—and mine.

My mother passed away during childbirth, and all I know of her comes from stories told by others. They describe her as a beautiful soul and a remarkably powerful Jedi. Beyond that, I know little about her. My memories of my father, Qui-Gon Jinn, are only slightly clearer. He died when I was just nine years old, leaving me with only fragments of moments to hold onto. Still, I knew more about him than I did about her.

What I do know is that they both loved me deeply—my father, especially. He often told me how much I reminded him of her, particularly in my personality. After his passing, his Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi, stepped into my life as a protective older brother, helping to care for me until I was assigned a master. That master was Yoda, who quickly became a father figure to me, offering the guidance and support I desperately needed in those early years.

Of course, I was always beyond excited at the thought of meeting my soulmate—eager to understand firsthand the connection my father had shared with my mother. I dreamed of experiencing that same profound bond for myself. But at the same time, I couldn't ignore the reality: depending on who you're paired with, soulmates can be vastly overrated.

Especially if it's Anakin Skywalker.

A/N— Hello, my babies! Lookie here! The prologue of Anything but you! As always, give your feedback in the comments! I hope you guys enjoyed it! I love you all!

[genshinwomenontop]

"Meeting Father"

☆Prompt: Suspicion has been arising about you ever since you were determined to go to Fontaine with your 'Father' and she eventually figures out the truth behind your behaviour, wanting to meet the cause of it.

☆Warnings: Arlecchino scaring Navia, Navia being flirty, wholesome moments between you and the twins and Freminet and Arlecchino.

☆Side note: Reader is the oldest child in the house of Hearth and the heir to it.

In the Zapolyarny Palace, sat Arlecchino in her office, her oldest daughter, bowing slightly towards her in a way of showing respect.

"Tartaglia is imprisoned in Fontaine and the Tsaritsa wants you to retrieve him, Father."

"That idiot always seems to get himself in trouble and others have to pull him out," Arlecchino sighed, "but nonetheless, it's the order of the Tsaritsa. I trust that you'll be okay here without me."

"Actually Father, may I come with you?"

She raised her eyebrows at your request. "Why is that? You may lift your head now."

You gulped nervous before raising your head. "Well, it's been a while since I've visited my... home and uh... I haven't seen the twins and Freminet in a while."

"What if Columbina needs you?"

"I've already spoken to her and she said it's fine."

"What if the Tsaritsa needs you?"

"She also said it's fine."

"You're quite determined to go. Are you sure there's nothing else?"

"No father. I'm sure."

She hummed in acknowledgement before agreeing. You beamed with joy but quickly regained your composure, not wanting to give away the real reason behind your visit. She dismissed you and told you to pack your bags as she got ready to leave. Arlecchino wore a thick white coat, with black fur adorning the neckline.

You were getting dressed in your room when Arlecchino walked in, and placed a coat over your shoulders. "It's going to get cold. Besides, I think it's time you wear this." She offered a small smile and helped you put the coat on. As her oldest, you tend to see sides she's never shown to anyone before and she confides in you to keep them all a secret.

You looked at yourself in the mirror, Arlecchino standing by your side. "In a few years time, you'll be standing here with your little one as I am standing with mine." A slight red tainted your cheeks as she mentioned it, making your thoughts trail to someone.

Meanwhile in Fontaine, Navia sat with Clorinde, both of them enjoying a cup of coffee; well Clorinde enjoying the coffee. "She hasn't responded to any of my letters. Can you believe that?! She can't be cheating on me right?"

Clorinde spat out her coffee at the mention of You cheating on Navia. "Navia calm down. Y/n could never cheat on you. I'm sure she's busy."

"Busy doing what?!"

"Why are you shouting at me?"

"I'm sorry..." Navia sighed sadly and sat down. She was suddenly approached by the twins.

"Good evening ladies," Lyney took off his hat and bowed.

"Hey there guys."

"Hello."

"My sister and I came to invite you to our magic show tonight. It's going to be a grand one, so don't miss it!"

"My apologies but I won't be able to make it tonight."

"It's all good miss Clorinde. And you miss Navia?"

"Oh I'll come! It's not like I have anything better to do anyways."

Lyney and Lynette shared a look with each other. They knew about Navia's relationship with that unknown person. "Lover struggles," Lynette sighed. Lyney chuckled nervously and patted Navia on the back as she slouched on the table and whined.

Night rolled around rather quickly and the twins heard the news that their father was coming to Fontaine but what they didn't know what that their big sister was also coming. The show went on and it was spectacular. The twins did an amazing job as always. Navia had a backstage pass and she watched them with a smile on her face, Lyney's radiant smile reminds her of her lover's own.

Getting lost in her own thought, Navia didn't realise that someone was hugging her until she felt their hot breath against her neck as they whispered, "Missed me?"

She turned around and her eyes immediately brightened. "Y/n!" Jumping into the arms of her lover was a must, she held onto you tightly.

"When did you arrive here?! I missed you so much!" You felt tears hit your neck and you felt guilty, knowing why she was crying.

"I'm sorry I didn't respond to you. I wanted to surprise you."

"Well you're surprised worked okay," she chuckled with tears in her eyes. You wiped them away before gently pressing your lips onto hers. The kiss lasted for about thirty seconds until she pulled away.

"Wait how did you know where to find me? How do you know about this show?"

"Well you se-"

"Big sister y/n!" You turned around and immediately opened your arms for the twins. Lyney ran into your arms and you picked him, hugging him tightly. You pulled lynette into a gentle hug before kissing them both of the forehead.

"Does this mean father is here?"

"Yep. You're presence is required at her office. Go on, I'll catch up and hey, don't tell Father about me and Navia." Lyney and Lynette nodded and they ran off.

When you returned your attention back to Navia, she looked stunned. "You never told me that Lyney and Lynette are your siblings."

You interwined your fingers together with hers before walking. "Well, we're not related by blood. We come from an orphanage where we were saved by Father. She took us in and watched over us since then. I'm actually the oldest so it makes me the big sister. Have you ever heard of 'The house of Hearth'?"

"I did. Its quite popular in Fontaine."

"Well that's the orphanage."

"The house of Hearth is an orphanage?!"

"Yeah. It's quite shocking isn't it?"

"I can't believe you never told me it."

"I'm sorry. Anyway, how's Clorinde?" You stopped walking when you reached her house.

"She's good, I actually talked to her today."

"Listen, I gotta go now. But I promise I'll spend tomorrow with you."

"Promise?" You nodded before pulling her into a kiss. She wrapped her arms around your neck and pulled you deeper into the kiss as she let out a strangled moan. You pulled away shortly, wiping the saliva off your chin. "I want more than a kiss from you tomorrow," she winked entering her house. You let out a breath. God that woman drove you crazy.

A/n:

I'm gonna write a part 2 to this because it's actually quite long.

[berryhobii]

Down Bad Part 2 (pjm x reader)

Pairing: fuckboy!Park Jimin x black!female!fuckgirl!Reader

Word Count: 3.8K+

Warnings: none really. Mentions of previous sexual intercourse, mentions of foursomes, drinking(not explicit), all of this is from Jimin’s POV and his internal crisis, he’s really going through it

A/N: Hi loves! I’m back with Part 2 of Down Bad. Lots of people have been requesting it so here it is. Part 3 will be the final chapter where everything comes to it’s crest😈please look forward to it. Just to clarify, Jimin does have some thoughts that I don’t condone AT ALL. In order to progress the plot, he does continue to pursue reader so if you’re uncomfortable with that, please don’t continue reading. It will be the driving force of the story. Anyway, thank you so much for your patience and I hope you enjoy! Much love🩵🩵

~

“Hyung!”

Yoongi almost flung his cereal bowl across the room as his front door suddenly slammed open and Jimin burst inside.

“Jimin, what the hell?” Yoongi cursed, heart hammering like a stampede in his chest.

“Hyung, I need to ask you something.”

Yoongi sputtered. “W-what? How the hell did you get in my house?”

Jimin waved a hand. “I bribed Seokjin hyung with GrubHub but that’s not important. I need to talk to you.”

He was dreaming, he had to be. There was no way Jimin just let himself in without calling or texting first. And he was going to kill Seokjin!

“You just broke into my house. How is that not important?” Yoongi pointedly quipped.

Jimin groaned. “Focus, hyung. Look, I need to ask you about y/n.”

Breaking and entering aside, Yoongi acknowledged what Jimin was asking.

Yoongi walked over to his couch to sit down, motioning for Jimin to follow. “y/n? What about her?” He scooped some cereal into his mouth.

Jimin ran a hand through his hair. He’s been doing that more often than usual, your impact on him stressing him out.

“Why doesn’t she date?”

Ah. Yoongi realized where this was going. A smirk twitched at his lips and Jimin had a flashback to you. That god damn smirk.

“She put it on you, huh?” Yoongi chuckled with a shake of his head. He knew this was going to happen. Mainly because he went through the same thing about 2 years ago—the anxiety, the pacing, even the brief addiction to wondering what you were up to.

You were dangerous. Intoxicating. Almost unhealthy.

Yoongi considered himself a pretty good lover but you were on another fucking level. Your head game, pussy, aftercare; all top tier. He thought he was in love for a second and maybe he was but unfortunately, you weren’t the type of woman that wanted to be tied down.

“You’re sweet but I’m not looking for a relationship. Like ever. I’ll see you around though. Get home safe. Bye.”

Then you closed the door in his face and he went through the motions much like his good friend was right now.

It was hard not to get addicted to you.

Jimin groaned again, burying his face in his hands. “She was so good, hyung. I don’t even remember some of it because apparently, I passed out.”

Yoongi whistled. “Damn. I didn’t pass out but I did sleep for like 10 hours afterward. I even missed work. She definitely tires you out.” Yoongi sniggered, recalling the almost coma you put him in after that night. He was just lucky you didn’t put him out while he was practically dead on his feet. You made coffee, a light breakfast, and even let him take a shower to wake himself up more. You were a really nice and attentive person.

Jimin leaned back against the couch. “So why doesn’t she date?”

Yoongi shrugged his shoulder. “I don’t know.”

“Aren’t you two friends?” Jimin quizzed with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah. Her job is like a block from mine. We meet up for lunch sometimes and I help her fix things around her apartment.”

There’s some information he didn’t know he really wanted. So you two were pretty close?

“And you haven’t slept together again?”

Yoongi shook his head, finishing his milk and then placing the bowl down on the coffee table.

“Nope. After our first time, I just gave up. Didn’t want to overstep, you know? She said she doesn’t sleep with the same person twice or something.”

Oh god. You had the same rule he did?! Now that he was hearing it, he realized how fucking dumb that rule was!

Yoongi could see the internal conflict Jimin was going through. He had the same problem back then. Even now sometimes, he wondered what he could do to get you but he respected you too much. You were sexy and confident, yes but you were also a great friend and someone he didn’t want to lose.

“Look, man. It’s best if you just forget about her. Nothing good will come from forcing yourself into her life.”

Jimin slumped further into the couch. He knew that. He liked you but he wasn’t the type to overstep any boundaries like that.

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

They sat in a comfortable silence for a moment before Yoongi broke it.

“Did she do that two handed twist thing on your dick?”

“Oh my god! It was insane!”

~

After that talk with Yoongi, Jimin decided to forget about you.

He went to work. He went to his classes and did his homework. He hung out with his friends……

And that’s it.

“You’ve been acting weird.” Taehyung suddenly stated one night when the two were hanging out on his couch. Jimin had shown up with fried chicken and beer out of the blue. Taehyung was actually kind of shocked to see him since Jimin was normally at a bar or a party on Friday nights.

Now that he thought about it, Jimin’s been at his place every weekend for the past month.

Something was up.

Jimin chewed the food in his mouth before swallowing, hand that wasn’t holding his chopsticks currently working on stealing from someone else on Monopoly GO.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’ve been here every weekend for a month. Why aren’t you at a party or something?”

Jimin made a noise of offense. “You say that like you don’t like spending time with me. I thought we were soulmates.” He cried dramatically with a pout.

Taehyung rolled his eyes. “We are but we haven’t spent this much time together in a while. Are you okay?”

Jimin went back to his game. “I’m fine. I just haven’t been feeling like going out.”

Okay, was hell freezing over or something? Jimin doesn’t feel like going out? Taehyung’s known Jimin for many many years and out of all of that time, he’s never known for Jimin to be a homebody. Taehyung was the homebody, Jimin was the party crasher. That was their dynamic and he’d be damned if he let Jimin take over his title.

“Alright, spill it.”

Jimin cursed under his breath at not finding another key before asking, “spill what?”

Taehyung squinted his eyes. Was Jimin really about to play stupid with him? He was used to Jimin actually doing stupid things, fake stupidity wasn’t in his nature.

Then he remembered something.

“You never told me how it went with you and that y/n girl. You normally give me a play by play of all of your one night stands.”

He saw how Jimin’s shoulders stiffened.

Bingo.

“Tell me. What happened?”

Jimin tossed back the remainder of his beer and then went to shove another piece of chicken in his mouth.

Taehyung snatched the box away, taking his phone as well.

“Come on, man! Just tell me.”

Jimin swallowed before sighing. He knew he couldn’t keep it from his best friend any longer.

“Nothing much happened. It was fine.” He lied because something very much happened and it was way more than just fine.

His eyes burned holes into Jimin’s face. He didn’t understand why Jimin was withholding. Jimin was never tight lipped when it came to spilling his escapades. The detail he’d put into it would make Taehyung feel like he was actually there.

So why was he being so secretive now?

“Alright,, get up.” Taehyung ordered, standing to his feet.

Jimin’s eyebrows jumped up. “Why?”

“We’re going out.”

“Going out? Where?”

Taehyung hauled him up by his arm, pushing him down the hall to the bedroom to find them something suitable to wear. Jimin left some of his clothes here just in case, mainly pajamas or casual clothes but he had a few going out pieces for those crazy moments. Like that time a girl ripped Jimin’s shirt off of him and he had to walk back to Taehyung’s house with tattered clothes hanging off his body.

Taehyung ruffled through the space in his closet where Jimin’s clothes hung, pulling out a simple button up and jeans.

He shoved the clothes in Jimin’s arms. “Tae, wait. I don’t really feel like-“

Taehyung interjected, “no, I’m done watching you act like someone you’re not. You need to go out and have fun. Get laid.”

“You’re the one always telling me to stop having so much sex but now you want me to?” Jimin asked incredulously.

Taehyung huffed. “I’ve never told you to not get laid. I tell you to stop treating women that way. How would you like it if someone just used you and put you out?”

Oh the irony. If only he knew….

Luckily, Jungkook had responded to Taehyung’s text and gave them the address to a small party on his college campus. Jimin’s complaints and refusals fell on deaf ears as Taehyung all but shoved him into an Uber and then they were on their way to the party.

The space was pretty lowkey and the party wasn’t as crazy as Jimin was used to; just people gathered around talking and drinking and making out. He didn’t really know if that was a good or bad thing yet. It could be good since it meant he could probably just sink into himself and stay quiet but it could also be bad since there wasn’t enough distractions to give him an opportunity to sneak away. Either way, he didn’t really want to be here.

Jungkook approached them with a loud greeting, a cute girl under his arm. “What’s up guys? Glad you can make it.” He gave both of them one of those handshake/hugs before turning his attention to the girl. “This is Lila.”

She gave a small wave and smile. “Hi.” To which Taehyung and Jimin greeted her back.

“So make yourselves comfortable. We have plenty of drinks and food and I think Hoseok should be coming back with more people soon.”

“Cool.” Taehyung nodded while Jimin was scouting out the nearest exit. He needed to get the hell out of here.

Breaking him from his thoughts of escape, Taehyung grabbed his arm and dragged him over to the drink table to grab a beer from the cooler before taking him to sit down on a small collection of couches.

Jimin’s nerves were on 100. He didn’t know why he wanted to leave so badly. Parties were his stomping grounds, right? What exactly was he so afraid of? Had you really knocked him off his mojo that badly?

Taehyung could also see the way Jimin was reacting and he didn’t like it. While he didn’t always agree with Jimin’s lifestyle, that didn’t mean he wanted him to change. This new reclusive and jumpy Jimin was not the man he’s known since childhood. Something definitely happened with that girl he went with a while ago but what?

Scanning the small party, Taehyung spotted a group of girls all laughing and enjoying drinks. One of them glanced over, making eye contact with Taehyung, her lashes fluttering in a flirty way.

Taehyung nudged a slumped down Jimin with his elbow, motioning to the girls. “Look. She’s cute, huh? Why don’t you go talk to her?”

Jimin looked in that direction, finding all of the girls looking now, their giggles ringing out when he made contact. Judging by their intimate touches between each other, they were definitely down for some girl on girl action. Normally, he would have already made his way over to see if a foursome was in the cards but now, that didn’t seem plausible. Ugh, past him would be beating his ass for turning down a potential opportunity to sleep with 3 girls at once.

“Are you a fucking idiot?! Look! They’re practically in kissing distance of one another! You could get between all that!”

Jimin sighed, averting his eyes and sipping his beer. He just wasn’t in the mood tonight. He appreciated Taehyung for his attempts but he just doesn’t think he could-

OH SHIT!

Jimin’s beer clattered to the floor, his hands coming up to cover his face with his leather jacket. Taehyung startled at Jimin’s sudden movement, eyebrow raising at the sight of Jimin attempting to hide himself. What the hell was going on?

“What’s wrong?” Taehyung probed with a frown, looking around at what could be causing Jimin’s turtle act.

Jimin’s heart was going crazy in his chest, his mind racing as he tried to will himself to turn invisible.

This is not happening right now, his wild mind thought.

You were here. You were ACTUALLY here! Even through his panic, he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful you looked; a white shirt paired with a olive green overall skirt that hugged your curves in a delicious way, cute lace up heels on your feet. Your hair was still straight and black but this time was styled up into a simple ponytail.

He knew something was telling him not to leave the house! Just what were the chances that you’d appear at the exact same party he was at? He was relieved that this was a smaller party since he doubted you would even hang out at places like this but it was like the universe was conspiring against him. Had all of his bad deeds finally caught up to bite him on the ass? He thought stopping that lifestyle would bring him some good luck but he guessed he was wrong. So very very wrong.

It was bad enough that you were in the same vicinity as him but what was even worse was the piece of man candy you had on your arm. Who the hell was that?!

No time to think about that now! Jimin has to get the hell out of here. “Tae, we have to leave. Now.”

“Wha-why? Are you feeling okay?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know. We just need to leave.” He rushed out panicked, eyes working overtime trying to map out an escape route. That was becoming hard though since you and this guy had positioned yourself next to the alcohol area which was right by the door. And this space was very open which means he could see the entire room. Any chance of leaving unseen would be practically impossible.

Should he just wait it out and hope you don’t notice him and then he could sneak out? Or should he just risk you seeing him and race out now? Both posed a possibility of you noticing him and of him having a heart attack.

And of course, luck was not on his damn side because Jungkook and Lila made their way over to them with Hoseok in tow. The loud men crashed down onto the empty couches around the small coffee table and Jimin could have pulled all his hair out. Did they have to bring all of that over here?!

“Whoa Park Jimin? I wasn’t expecting you to come here. You’re normally at a club or a bar!” Hoseok loudly bellowed with a bright smile. Jimin winced at how loudly Hoseok announced his name.

Nervously chuckling, Jimin croaked out a, “yeah…..strange, isn’t it?”

“But hey, don’t worry. There’s some totally hot trim here. See those girls over there?” Hoseok motioned behind them over to 3 women Taehyung pointed out earlier. “They’re always down for a foursome.”

I fucking knew it! Go over there, you sad sack of shit!

“Ah yeah. Maybe.”

“Hey is that Namjoon?” Jungkook observed, squinting his eyes to confirm if it was really the person he thought it was. Raising his hand, he called out, “Yo, Namjoon!”

And you wouldn’t believe who Namjoon fucking was! YEAH! It was the guy you had arrived with! Had all of Jimin’s bad luck he’ll ever accumulate over his life gathered right now to royally fuck him over?

Namjoon looked up from your eyes, looking in the direction of where his name was being called from. A smile spreading across his face at the familiar sight of his friends. He said something to you before BOTH OF YOU began making your way to their small group.

Yup, the universe was definitely pointing their fingers and laughing at him right now.

You and Namjoon reached their group, Hoseok and Jungkook standing to give him a handshake/hug.

“Hobi this party is pretty tame, even for you. Did daddy’s credit card finally hit its limit?”

Hoseok cackled, not at all offended by Namjoon’s joke. “Nah but the campus police have. That last party caused someone to break their arm so I’m on a warning. Gotta keep it lowkey, you know?”

“True. Thanks for the invite anyway. I hope it’s okay that I brought a friend.”

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

“This is y/n.”

You waved at the group, eyes flittering over Jimin who was still trying incredibly hard to make himself invisible. Grinning, you purred, “It’s a pleasure.”

Jimin shivered at the sound of your voice, that same voice that whispered in his ear as you rode him into oblivion just weeks ago. It’s been haunting his dreams(both wet ones and daydreams) ever since you put him out and now that it was filling his ears once again, it felt 10 times more impactful and nerve racking. As if your presence wasn’t already sending him into a manic spiral, now he had to hear that seductive voice? And he just knew you were staring him down with those piercing eyes.

Everything felt too out of control. Jimin needed to leave.

Taehyung glanced from Jimin to you a few times before he finally remembered who you were.

“Hey, aren’t you Yoongi’s friend?”

Jimin’s eyes widened so much that they could have bulged out of his head like a Looney Toons cartoon. Shut the hell up! Out of all the times for Taehyung’s loner ass to be confident enough to start conversation, it had to be now!?

Moving your gaze from Jimin to Taehyung, you answered, “I am. What a small world. I think I remember you from the bar.”

“I was there too!” Jungkook announced while excitedly waving his hand which made everyone laugh. Except Jimin who didn’t find anything funny.

Namjoon and you went to sit down on the couch next to Hoseok which was right across from Jimin and Taehyung.

Thankfully, Hoseok bounced the conversation somewhere else which meant they didn’t have to recount what happened in the bar. Jimin knew Taehyung and probably Jungkook knew that he went home with you but he was grateful neither of them mentioned it.

The redirected conversation gave Jimin an opportunity to not obsess over you and Namjoon getting cozy just across from him.

With your leg tossed over Namjoon’s, you leaned forward to whisper something in his ear, dimples indenting his cheeks at whatever you said. His hand stroked up and down your leg, sometimes playing with the hem of your skirt.

Jimin’s own leg bounced up and down, a strange feeling bubbling in his belly as he watched you two. It felt different than anything else he’s ever felt before.

Something hotter. Something intense. Something ugly.

The feeling rose with every caress, every giggle, every light kiss you shared with Namjoon. And when you locked eyes with Jimin as Namjoon whispered in your ear, that’s when he realized what it was.

Envy.

Staring directly at Jimin with that annoying ass smirk, you continued to exchange heavy pets with Namjoon. It was like you were taunting him, dangling a carrot right in front of his face and then swiping it away.

Your gaze said it all.

You can’t have me.

Suddenly standing to his feet, he stalked out away from the group and out the door.

The others were confused by his sudden departure.

“Is he okay?” Hoseok asked Taehyung who frowned.

“I don’t know. I’ll go see. I’ll catch you guys later.” After a chorus of goodbyes, Taehyung followed Jimin out. He looked around once he made it outside, finding Jimin’s receding figure walking down the street. “Jimin! Wait!”

But Jimin didn’t stop, hands stuffed in his pockets and mouth mumbling various curses about you and Namjoon. What the hell was wrong with him? He had finally managed to convince himself that he had forgotten about you and that you didn’t affect him anymore but just the sight of you with another man had crumbled any semblance of control he thought he had. You had barely done anything and you had him acting like this.

Taehyung eventually caught up with his friend, extending his stride to keep up with him.

“Hey what’s up?”

Jimin shook his head, eyebrows furrowed into a deep frown. “Just leave it, Taehyung. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Somethings going on with you. I can’t just leave it when it has you acting so strange and it’s not good for you to repress whatever you’re feeling. You can talk to me.”

“I said drop it.” Jimin seethed.

“But-“

Jimin finally snapped, abruptly stopping and whipping around to face Taehyung. “God damn it, Taehyung! Fine, you want to know what’s happening? y/n and I had sex and it was so fucking amazing that I can stop thinking about her! But apparently she has that same only fuck once rule that I have and it’s driving me fucking crazy!” He tugged at his hair, breath speeding up as he finally ranted about what’s been bothering him. “I’ve been avoiding going out because she absolutely wrecked me and I can’t even think about sex with anyone else! I also wanted to avoid seeing her since I know she hangs around the college bars and clubs. Then she just had to show up tonight with a new guy. It was just too much, Tae.”

His tone softened towards the end, his anger dissipating into the soul crushing reality that you really had a hold over him.

Taehyung sighed. He honestly didn’t really know what to do or say. This was a situation he’s never been confronted with and he was sure he could say the same for Jimin. He’s never seen his friend be so torn up over a girl. Admittedly, it did seem a little shallow since Jimin was just acting like this over good sex but who was Taehyung to invalidate anyone’s feelings?

“Look, it was one time. I understand it was really good but you can’t act like this over one girl, especially one you don’t really like. It was just sex. It’s not like you’re dating or pursuing a relationship. I suggest you just forget about her.”

Jimin paused.

Wait a second. Taehyung was right, you two weren’t dating nor was Jimin pursuing you. Why didn’t you date? Yoongi didn’t know and you’ve been friends with him for a while so why? He knows Yoongi told him to just leave you alone but he just couldn’t.

Jimin was going to break you. He was going to figure out what made you tick, how to dismantle that cool facade you kept on, and he was going to make you break all of your own rules.

[thebottomfromhell]

We don’t get enough Zohakuten content so I was hoping you could make some. I was hoping for something like Zohakuten has a friend. Like what would they do? How did they met? How would their friendship start out as? You can make said friend be human or demon, whichever you’d like! Anyways have a great day/night! :)

Let's give Zohakuten friends! With Zohakuten's character it is easier for me to make demon reader in this one. Honestly, I have the personal HC that if it wasn't because of them being enemies, he and Muichiro would be nice friends, if both were demons or both were humans, they would be like Barbie, The princess and the pauper song, but that is a silly idea of mine. I hope you like the work and sorry for having it so late.

GN Demon Reader and Zohakuten become friends

Warning: Cannibalism, Implied body dysphoria (for demon transformarion and age), Mentioned non-character human death

You are in a weird state, you are young, you feel young in every possible sense. Your mind and emotions feel inexperienced, no matter how many years pass, as if time stopped for them just the same it did to your body, that has no aches, no sting, no harm or wrinckle. It's forever... young, almost childishly fake. In that sense, you also do feel lonely, because it's hard to tell of other demons feel like you. If there is something within them saying that it's time to grow up just to be unable to, and not even knowing why. It's the only ich you are allowed to have, that need of growing up fast against the inability to do so.

You lack some sort of awareness, it's not that you are dumb, but you have a harder time to acknowledge certain realities over your original thoughts on any matter. Similar to a child's innocence, but your body does feel experienced. And it is, having already survived thing no human would, from battling men trained with swords to going long periods without drinking water and sleep. Are you an adult in a child's body? Or a child in an adult's body? Do demon even have such a theing as different body types to tell them apart?

It takes you to meet another kid, even if you yourself don't completely feel like a kid, also a demon, to realize... you actually can tell with other demons. You can tell at one gaze "yep, that is a child", for some oddly reason, even with the fact that you have seen demons that literally look like deformed babies and still were able to tell them as an adult. Is it something among all demons or just yourself? You have to wonder that. Still, at first you couldn't move because of the preassure of this kid's presence, and when he looked at you, you were able to figure why.

Upper Four, a rank inside their eyes, his favor. There are a couple seconds of silence where all you can sense in that tiny body, smaller than yours, is hatred. Then, he speaks, his voice not really matching with his aparent age, more mature than you expected, filled with that feeling his hole body expresses. "Do you have any problem with me? Come and say it out loud." You were not expecting to find this, now realizing there is some blood in his mouth and hands. That fact is enough to make you look around for corpses, a squad of slayers not so far, spread all over the place. A mess of blood, organs, limbs and bones, there are at least 5 people in this, you have to wonder you you didn't notice before. Is this the power of an Uppermoon?

"I'm not looking for trouble, just passing by." You say as your mouth get wet, looking away in embarrasment as you swallow your saliva in order to not drool. When was the last time you ate? Now with so much food you feel so hungry, needing to sink your teeth into the pieces of flesh and lick the red juices of the body. More blood, more blood. But... you are not dumb enough to try and fight a kizuki for food, to take away their prey. You feel your stomach ache as it tights up, yearning for the feast in front of you, even growling a bit. It hasn't done that ever since you turned, why now?

The other demon notices, arching his eyebrow, or trying since it's mostly opening one eye and half-closing the other. Then he turns to the masacre behind him and grabs a liver, still attached to a main arterie and with pieces of stomach, shedding some of the inner liquids. By the time you notice, Upper Four is in front of you, still frowning, but offering the piece. "You want some?" You look at him for some seconds, processing the kind gesture. "Are you not going to eat it?" After the question, his frown deeps in as he face contorsts in disgust. "No, I don't like them like this. It doesn't smell sweaty enough and the body was too small, bad quality of growth." .... a picky eater, you can tell by his face and comment. Still, slowly, with no sudden movements, and barely touching the other demon, you take the piece he is offering you before esting it.

He looks at you, gaze softening as you devour the meal, as if enyone would take it away from you. You love the taste, bold in the mouth. Gamey and methalic, and soon after there is an iron-filled sweetness left in your mouth. After seeing you eat, the kid sits, more relaxed, showing no sighs of aggression. His legs are crossed and his arms are resting on his legs. "What is your name?" He asks, curiosity in his eyes, as if you were something different, something he isn't used to. "My name is Y/N." He stays quiet again before saying what you think is his name. "Zohakuten." Zohakuten, really? Who is called "Hatred"? Then again, it's not the worst name you have heard in your long life.

That is a start, you relax, too. At first, it shows when you start eating more, going for the pieces of flesh. Then, you also sit, once you feel satiated enough to not eat, feeling a bit tired and hot with your stomach full. Then, by the time you realize... "Hey, YN, do you have any Demon Blood Art?" You both start talking to each other. The introductions go to chit chat, chit chat goes to laughing, and laughing goes to promising to meet again. "I had fun with you, Y/N. Hope we see each other again."

It's every once in more than 20 years, but you do see each other again, several times. You feel that times pass, at some point, missing talking to Zohakuten. Besides feeling the time he is gone, when you are bored and have nobody to talk to, you... really don't notice. You don't follow a calendar anymore, nor have anything to do bit eat and survive. But besides that, you don't feel... you don't know, change? Probably that is it. Nothing is new, your body and mind remain the same. You don't get new perspective nor any new stimulatioms in your system. But, you do get hypes, you do feel the same as always, there is just nothing new. Maybe that is why you are obssesed with talking, and even playing, with Zohakuten. It does keep your system alive and working at the same time you are good moments with him, and with how rare those moments are, they are always like new.

"Humans are such a bullies, always hoing after such a tiny body. He is smaller than my hand!" He complains, today is just a regular day, but... sometimes he confides on you. On how he feels about the other clones, or the fact that he barely exists, literally, he is only alive when the already separated clones fuse, and other themes. You also discover he actually likes to listen to different sounds a lot, that he likes drums and dragons, he loves to ramble about those. You also get to tell your part, the things you like, the things you don't like, one or another burden and... It's less lonely like this. And times seems to matter less because of that.

"I swear, if I was half as strong as you I wouldn't have to worry in life. Hunting and evading slayers would be easier." Zohakuten looks at you. "Hantengu wouldn't mind having more company, you could stay around, that way I won't have to look for you everytime the others fuse." He offers but you deny, you really doubt it would be any safer to be around a literal Uppermoon than on your own, specially since you met the old man... he is not really hurting you, but by the way he screams and cowers everytime you get close, you can tell he doesn't like you. "Yeah, I'm not sure about that buddy." He looks annoyed for at the answer, pouting a bit. "Fine, but promise me to never die." He says, and... you are not sure if you can promise that... "I can promise to always be your friend." He seems to think about the offer a bit.

"Ok, let's be friends forever, then." He says before leaving, knowing he needs to go back to Hantengu, who ran when he saw you. He always does that, but you smile at the direction the small body left. A friend. "That sounds nice."

[trans-duckling]

A Slow and Tender Love: Epilogue

Six months later, Kakashi was at his old family house preparing dinner. Gai and him had moved in together there almost two months ago, after giving up on finding a new perfect house that could fulfil all their needs. At the end, the Hatake suggested a renovation of the house he still owned far from the city center, and it was settled. With a lot reconstruction from Yamato’s part and their students helping to carry furniture and boxes, of course.

Point was, they were living together and it was good. That day, Kakashi had surprisingly left the office early and thus had taken up the task of preparing dinner; miso soup for him and curry for Gai. Just as he was about to finish, he felt the presence of the other man behind the front door and all his ninken running towards it. Thanks Kami, Ningame had chosen to go back to his realm earlier, or the dogs would have undoubtedly run him over.

“I’m home, dear rival!” the man beamed per usual.

“I’m in the kitchen” he said, turning off the fire.

“It smell delicious! Wow, Biscuit, wait a moment before… Well, forget it.”

Upon walking to the main entrance, Kakashi saw Gai battling to pet all the ninken surrounding his wheelchair. Being an smartass, Biscuit had jumped onto his lap to have direct access to the taijutsu master’s face, licking him all over.

“How was work?” the Hatake asked as he shooed his dogs so he could bend down and kiss the other man.

“Invigorating! Although the late meeting at the Academy I didn’t enjoy that much, I must admit…”

“Understandable. I tried to escape mine, but Tenzo caught me.”

Gai chuckled while shaking his head disapprovingly. As he instructed the Hatake on the importance of behaving as an adult now that he was Hokage, they moved into the kitchen to have dinner. Kakashi had to take Biscuit down from Gai’s lap in order to avoid him getting a stomach ache from eating the curry.

As they ate —eight ninken making puppy eyes at them—, Kakashi offered little input to the conversation, mostly just enjoying the sound of his partner’s voice after such a tedious day at the office.

Overall, he didn’t consider their relationship had changed that much. They still participated in crazy challenges from time to time and went out with their friends. There was also the sex, which both enjoyed quite a bit. And then, the small things they had added to their routines. As taking care of their summons together. Or going shopping for groceries. Or cleaning the house during the weekend. All those activities helped to learn more about each other, opening Kakashi’s eyes to what Gai had meant when he asked for ‘more’ so many months ago.

Of course, they argued sometimes as well, but that was not uncommon before, either.

If there was something the Hatake had been surprised to discover he could enjoy, was sharing his alone time. It sounded contradictory, but it really wasn’t. Even if he liked being with Gai and hear him talk for hours, there were times in which he preferred to be in silence or feel like the room was empty. At the beginning, he had doubted the other man could understand what he was referring to, but Gai had shocked him saying that it was alright. He even suggested a signal for him to indicate when he needed to be truly alone and without anybody around. So far, he hadn’t used it.

See, Gai was able to stay quiet and act as a shadow when he wanted. That meant sometimes Kakashi would be reading in complete silence in the living room and the taijutsu master doing upper body exercises next to the sofa, and he wouldn’t notice —or rather acknowledge— him. It was as if his senses had gotten so used to the presence of Gai, that he was able to feel solitude even if he was in the room as well.

All things considered, the Hatake would say he liked the relationship they had developed. Even if initially he had been confused at what ‘more’ meant, he understood it then. In fact, he had been thinking lately on what ‘more’ could imply at that point. Fantasizing about it, one could say. And he had reached a conclusion. Of course, he would need the help of his romance novels and the advice of at least Kurenai, but he would make sure of creating the best proposal for Gai. One that proved how much he loved the other man. He wanted him to fall face-first from his wheelchair at the surprise. Kakashi had made that his own —and only— self-rule.

Maybe what they had was not the ‘slow and tender love’ Gai had been looking for, but it brought them happiness and that was all the Hatake cared about.

[small-but-oho]

Hi! I’m running over here to say THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT POST ABOUT DRAMATIC TENSION IN G/T!!!!

I have been shouting into the void about this with friends of mine for YEARS!!

Where did all the fear and angst in the community go?? Why is it all just rainbows and butterflies now? Having light to balance out the dark is great, don’t get me wrong, but I SOOOO agree with you: the entire basis of g/t is its very significant power imbalance.

If we’re all unwilling to acknowledge that then literally what is even the point of making something g/t in the first place? If it’s just two people hanging out… how is that g/t? Where are the stakes? What do these characters want? What are they fighting for? What makes life hard for them that they want to change?

I say this all the time: bad things NEED to happen in fiction. It’s the ONLY WAY to tell a story. Watch any movie or tv show and you’ll see this at play. We want our fictional heroes to struggle, to be afraid and to fight for something because that creates an actual plot.

I, too, am deeply disillusioned by the lack of actual fear and danger in g/t now. Let’s all be honest and acknowledge that being small next to someone so much bigger would be TERRIFYING and not without significant physical and emotional challenges to overcome.

It’s so frustrating when a small character meets a larger one and within .004 seconds they immediately trust them, with their life literally in a stranger’s hands. It’s doesn’t make any sense and leaves so many opportunities for good story telling on the table.

The struggle to adapt to a new environment, to make yourself heard in the face of invalidation, to discover you matter even though you’re different are all tropes that require some kind of unfair dynamic in order to be explored.

I find that journey to be actually super validating! Navigating a dynamic where you feel less than or not taken seriously or surrounded by danger and finding a way to fight through that? Isn’t that quite literally the textbook definition of empowerment and self actualization?

Okay, I’ve gone on long enough, but I just wanted to reach out because it’s so so so refreshing to see someone else in this community actually addressing this!

You rock! Have a wonderful day and keep exploring your story telling, because I think you’ve absolutely got the right idea!

AAAAAAAAAH THANK YOU FOR THIS MESSAGE!!!

I'm so glad you feel the same way ♥️

I legit wonder why this shift towards safe, nonconfrontational works occurred. Is it in reaction to the general state of the world? An influx in new users, who just aren't into fear and angst? Reaction to internet censorship? Idk.

And tbh it's also kinda disheartening as a dark subjects enjoyer. I do wanna write and create works that cater to my interests, but when you look into the tag, it feels like an uphill battle.

So yeah, if you want to, feel free to send me a msg off anon. Maybe we need to cultivate our own little community of like-minded people.

[kitkatt0430]

Raina has always wanted more and it's a flaw. She knows it. Pretty flower dresses and control over her own life even at the expense of others control over their own. She doesn't regret any of it, but staring at her face in the mirror, covered in spines, and faced with Jiaying and Gordon's kindness and the reality that the powers of clairvoyance she always envied are more curse than gift - for the moment - and... she knows that right now, if her nightmares are to be avoided - her death is to be avoided - then she has to be willing to change. To unbend, just a little.

To concede control, just a little.

The people of Afterlife are not happy with Jiaying. She's too stingy about who gets powers, especially now that it's become so much easier to bestow them using the home grown crystals instead of the Diviners. While they all agree that Jiaying is right to screen candidates, she seems to favor those whose circumstances will make them intensely loyal to her. Gordon, Lincoln... and several others are more loyal to Jiaying than to the community. And they will follow Jiaying thoughtlessly into the destruction of their safe haven in Afterlife.

Still, Gordon is the key to stopping Jiaying. Or at least minimizing the damage she will commit. And when the crucial conversation happens, Raina has already seen what happens when she asks for power in Jiaying's place. So the conversation goes differently.

"It needs to be you," Raina tells Gordon. "If you meet with SHIELD's representative, there will be peace between our people and theirs. But Jiaying cannot differentiate between HYDRA and normal humans who aren't HYDRA anymore. And it's even worse with SHIELD. She'll tell herself she's doing the right thing and she'll knock over the dominoes that will lead to our people's destruction.

"She's not well and I know you've seen the hints of it for all she hides it impressively. But she needs help. Or she'll self destruct and take us all with her. This is the first step to saving her, to saving all of us. But you have to be willing to make it without her support. Or our people's blood will be on our all hands. Yours, mine, hers."

And Gordon doesn't take it well. Raina didn't expect him to.

But he can't unhear what he's heard and when Jiaying tells him her plan for SHIELD and the war she intends to kick off in the name of 'protecting' their people... he hates to realize that Raina may very well be right.

He talks to the elders. He tells them what's going on. And they order him to meet SHIELD, not Jiaying. He doesn't want to do this, to do what feels like betrayal to the woman who reached out to him in the dark and showed him he was still beautiful - that what he'd become was a gift. But his people have to come first.

He tells the others what the elders have decided and when Jiaying objects, he puts her in one of the rooms that only he can enter. But there isn't really any time for objections because SHIELD arrives.

Gordon and Gonzales are each expecting someone else, but they work it out, a preliminary truce. Gorden refuses to allow Inhumans to go on the Index. Their people police their own. But he also acknowledges that there have been instances where things have gone wrong and he's willing to work with SHIELD in times where one of their people goes rogue in a way they can't handle. But he needs SHIELD to acknowledge that the Inhuman community has been around for centuries and self regulated without SHIELD's notice until now. SHIELD is so busy being afraid of what ifs that they're allowing bigotry towards another race blind them to the harm they're committing to.

And Gonzales objects to being told his behavior has been bigoted, but... he hears himself. What he says here and now to Gordon, thinks about the things he's said about Agent Skye... and he can't really say Gordon's wrong either. They do have an undercurrent of prejudice at SHIELD towards powered people. And what if this is the lingering legacy of HYDRA's infiltration? He can't say for sure it isn't.

He agrees that, for now at least, it pushing for adding all Inhumans to the Index isn't the right move. And agrees that leaving a line of communication between Inhumans and SHIELD is a good start. SHIELD likes to catalogue and research and understand everything out of fear of what if scenarios but some things have to be taken on faith. Instead he asks for help reviewing their Index protocols. If the Inhumans will help with powered individuals who are struggling with their powers but not necessarily bad people. And keep SHIELD at least aware of where places like Afterlife are located so that, if at least nothing else, SHIELD can remain aware of where their main gathering places are to steer clear of them - and steer others clear of them too. It's an increasingly interconnected world with satellite imaging and GPS. Afterlife and places like it aren't going to stay hidden and safe for much longer as technology evolves. SHIELD can offer ways of keeping Inhuman communities like Afterlife hidden from everyone else that remote locations aren't enough for anymore.

Neither party leaves totally satisfied or with 100% of what they wanted. Gordon has to concede that with both HYDRA and SHIELD capable of tracking his powers, it's only a matter of time until other interested parties do the same. Or find other methods of tracking Inhumans and there certainly are plenty of organizations and governments that would love to control them. Gonzales has to reassess his own prejudices and recognize that maybe there's more to removing HYDRA's influence in SHIELD than just removing the bad agents.

It wasn't just SHIELD's secrets that let HYDRA do what it wanted, but the attitudes SHIELD cultivated of always being right and being better than everyone else. Maybe part of making things right and making their operations more transparent means allying with the leadership of the Inhuman community and accepting their self governance. Compromising where they can so that when the times comes to stand firm where they can't, they'll have allies willing to stand firm with them.

It's not a great start. But it is a start. And it changes everything.

Raina has never liked leaving the decisions to others, to standing back and letting her destiny lay in someone else's hands. She still means to take a position of power for herself one day, using her powers to carve out a place for herself amongst her fellow Inhumans. But she also knows she's too new to the community to achieve greatness herself. But... well, Gordon will remember who counseled him that Jiaying was unwell and whose predictions led to him averting disaster.

So, eventually, she'll have that control she craves. If she's willing to let others have it first. But then... Raina has always been pragmatic when necessary.

And as her dreams shift from destruction from Jiaying's threat to the one hidden on the other side of the Obelisk... Raina knows she's about to cement her position as right hand to Gordon the way he was once right hand to Jiaying. Not a bad place to be if she wants to lead in her own right one day.

[spirallingintothevoid71]

She walked up to me while no one was paying attention and told me to go up to the bedroom.

It was clear from her tone, even hushed, that it wasn't a question. It was a command. An order. She expected me to follow it.

I was flustered. I hesitated for a moment. She didn't say anything else. She simply raised an eybrow.

My hesitation broke. Or maybe my nerve. Either way, I went up to the bedroom.

A minute later, she entered and closed the door. She stared at me for a moment.

"You've been staring at me all night," she said. "Why haven't you come talk to me?"

I started to stutter a response, an apology. She cut me off.

"Clearly, you need me to take charge of the situation, don't you?"

I could feel myself growing nervous, flustered at being cut off.

"I... maybe," I said weakly. I couldn't seem to think of an appropriate response.

"Not maybe," she said. "Yes, or no."

Without really thinking, I said, "Yes."

"Yes, what?" she asked, as though speaking to a student or child.

I was becoming more nervous. Was I blushing? "Yes, I... I need you to take charge of the situation." What was wrong with me?

"Miss," she said.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"You'll address me as Miss," she said. "For now. That may change."

My mouth felt dry. I was having a hard time putting coherent thoughts together. And... was I getting aroused?

"Yes... Miss."

"Good," she said. "I could tell you needed this from the moment I saw you." She appraised me for a moment. "It was written all over your face." Looking down for a moment, she said, "and now it's written everywhere."

My faced turned even redder.

"Kneel," she said suddenly, in a tone so full of authority that I was on my knees before I'd completely processed the word.

She smiled. Barely. "You see? You do need me to take charge."

I looked up at her for a moment, then found myself looking at the floor. I was so embarrassed, I couldn't seem to meet her gaze.

"Look at me," she said in that commanding tone, and my eyes snapped up.

"A part of you wants to look away, doesn't it?" she asked, continuing before I could answer. "But you can't, can you? You need to do as your told. It's ingrained in you."

I shivered visibly. I couldn't look away. It was like she had some hypnotic hold on me. I could feel her power washing over me.

"The longer you stare into my eyes, the harder it will be to look away. You can feel it already. My will overpowering yours."

I shivered again. It lasted longer this time.

"You're scared. Nervous. Embarrassed at how easily you've fallen under my control," she said. "But you're also realizing you're feeling all these things because of how badly you want to be under my control."

"Yes, miss." I said it without thinking. I could feel the truth in her words. And knew I had to acknowledge it.

"Come to me," she said.

I crawled to her.

"Up on your knees."

I complied immediately.

I felt as much as saw her slip her pantyhose covered leg between my legs.

"You're mine now. Say it."

I shivered again, but this time I almost didn't notice.

"I'm yours now, miss." Just saying the words sent an intense rush of pleasure through me. I stared up at her, knowing she could see it on my face. My pleasure. My submission. My joy at being hers.

She smiled a bit more. "Good boy."

I spiraled into the Void.

[no-code-chatbot-builder]

Finding the Right Business Solution Provider : My Journey to Success with Botbuz.

A few years ago, I found myself at a crossroads in my business journey. As a small business owner trying to scale, I faced numerous challenges: scattered processes, customer inquiries piling up and a lack of integration between platforms. I realized I needed a game-changer — a business solution provider who could not only meet my needs but also drive my vision forward.

Little did I know that the answer was just around the corner, waiting to transform my business.

The Search Begins

The first step was acknowledging that I couldn’t do it all alone. I started researching business solution providers. The options were overwhelming, from generic platforms offering basic services to overly complex systems that didn’t align with my goals. Each claimed to be the "best," but none felt like a perfect fit.

I knew I needed a provider that would :

Understand my business challenges.

Offer scalable and flexible solutions.

Provide exceptional support during implementation and beyond.

And most importantly, I wanted a partner who could grow with me.

Discovering Botbuz

Discovering Botbuz

One evening, as I scrolled through forums and reviews, I stumbled upon a name that kept popping up: Botbuz - The best business solution provider. The testimonials were glowing. People spoke of its adaptability, intuitive interface, and the team’s commitment to understanding unique business needs. Intrigued, I decided to dig deeper.

The more I learned about Botbuz, the more it felt like the perfect match. Botbuz wasn’t just another service provider; it was a comprehensive solution designed for businesses like mine, with features tailored to improve processes, enhance customer interaction, and scale effortlessly.

The Initial Steps

I decided to schedule a consultation with the Botbuz team. From the very first interaction, their approach was refreshingly different. They didn’t pitch generic solutions or overwhelm me with jargon. Instead, they took the time to understand my pain points, goals, and aspirations.

Some of the challenges we discussed included :

Managing customer communication across multiple channels.

Automating repetitive tasks like responding to FAQs.

Integrating my existing platforms without disruption.

Gaining insights into customer behavior for better decision-making.

Botbuz presented a roadmap tailored to address these challenges while emphasizing scalability to future-proof my business.

Implementation : A Seamless Experience

What impressed me most about Botbuz was how seamless the implementation process was. Their team worked closely with mine, ensuring minimal downtime and maximum clarity.

With Botbuz Chatbot, I automated my customer interactions on platforms like WhatsApp, Instagram, and even my website. Customers could now get instant responses to inquiries, book appointments, and track orders without waiting. This not only improved customer satisfaction but also freed up my team to focus on more strategic tasks.

Additionally, the integration of analytics tools provided by Botbuz allowed me to track customer behaviour, identify trends, and tweak strategies accordingly. For instance, I discovered that most inquiries came during after-hours, so we adjusted our bot's settings to handle these seamlessly.

The Transformation

Within months, the results were evident :

Enhanced Efficiency : Tasks that once took hours were now completed in minutes, thanks to automation.

Improved Customer Engagement : Response times dropped, and satisfaction levels soared.

Cost Savings : I no longer needed to hire extra staff for customer support or manual tasks.

Growth Opportunities : With streamlined operations, I had more bandwidth to explore new business avenues.

Botbuz didn’t just provide solutions; they became a partner invested in my success. Their regular check-ins, updates, and suggestions ensured that my business stayed ahead of the curve.

What Sets Botbuz Apart ?

Through my journey, I realized why Botbuz is the best business solution provider :

Customization : No cookie-cutter solutions here. Botbuz tailors its offerings to meet the specific needs of each business.

User-Friendly Interface : Even for someone not tech-savvy, their platform is intuitive and easy to navigate.

Exceptional Support : Their team goes above and beyond to ensure smooth implementation and ongoing success.

Scalability : Whether you’re a startup or a growing enterprise, Botbuz evolves with you.

Holistic Approach : From automation to analytics, Botbuz offers a one-stop shop for all business needs.

My Advice to Fellow Entrepreneurs

If you’re looking to scale your business or streamline operations, the right business solution provider is key. Take the time to evaluate your needs, do your research, and don’t settle for anything less than the best.

For me, the journey with Botbuz - The best business solution provider has been nothing short of transformational. It’s not just about finding a tool; it’s about finding a partner who understands your vision and works tirelessly to bring it to life.

Looking Ahead

As I continue to grow my business, I’m confident that Botbuz will remain an integral part of my journey. With their innovative solutions and unwavering support, the possibilities are endless.

If you’re ready to take your business to the next level, I definitely recommend Botbuz enough.

[serbadger]

Ego Reflection Journey: 9 Questions for Growth (restructured and formatted with the help from ChatGPT — see my own response rough unedited in “unedited raw”

Reflecting on these nine questions consistently keeps me grounded and aware of the patterns I’m working on. Each answer shows a bit of my journey toward breaking down the ego and building up self-awareness.

1. What drives my current desire or action? Is it coming from a place of genuine interest or from a need for validation or recognition?

• I’m working on my self-discipline, especially without leaning on Tika. The routines I’ve built are giving me structure—stopping me from wasting time on things like porn. Sometimes, I go out of order with the routine, but I’m showing up, and that’s what matters.

• I’ve also noticed I can’t really feel anything without thinking of Tika. Even during that orgy experience, I stayed focused on her. The love I have for her keeps me centered.

2. Am I focusing more on my external achievements or on my internal growth? How balanced is my focus?

• I used to say I “don’t crave” sex, which was a lie. After meeting with Tika again, we both saw our different desires—mine for sex, hers for connection and exploration. Lying to myself about what I wanted just made things more difficult.

• Making love with her isn’t just about quantity; it’s about quality and timing. Scheduling intimacy feels more meaningful than just going for it whenever.

3. How do I handle constructive criticism? Do I feel defensive or receptive to it?

• I do like validation; I’m aware of that. But listening is something I’m getting better at, especially around the BJJ crew. Sometimes, I don’t even know when to add my own thoughts, so I’m practicing just staying quiet and taking it in. Being patient is key here.

4. When I look at my goals, are they aligned with my true self, or are they influenced by what I think will gain approval or status?

• Recently, I told Tika I was moody because I got drenched in the rain, and no one seemed to notice. I realized I was making my discomfort everyone else’s problem. Being present with her taught me to drop that victim mindset and stay in the moment.

5. Do I compare myself to others, and if so, what does that reveal about my insecurities?

• I treated my staff to McDonald’s when I needed personal time. It was a way of getting them to chill out so I could handle things on my end. Guess there are times when I lean on distraction tactics to get what I need.

6. How am I currently dealing with setbacks? Do I see them as learning opportunities, or do I feel diminished by them?

• Yeah, there are still ego moments, like when I snapped at Pak Dek over a McDonald’s order. High-stress moments make it hard to stay calm. I did apologize, but there’s a lesson here to stop myself before reacting.

7. When I succeed, do I feel the need to broadcast my success, or can I quietly acknowledge it without needing others to validate it?

• Sometimes I feel a pull to boast, especially with family, but I know now it’s more about my need to impress them. Trying to tone that down and remember to be grateful instead of showy. Acknowledging the people who helped me also keeps my ego in check.

8. How am I handling relationships? Am I focused on mutual growth, or am I seeking to prove myself within them?

• I’ve been upgrading my approach with Tika, communicating more intentionally and learning to match her energy. Focusing on being fit—not just for validation but because I want to provide and be strong for her.

9. Am I holding on to past achievements or identities? How does that affect my ability to grow and embrace change?

• I do look back on past achievements to remind myself of my strengths in guest experience, but I don’t let them define me. It’s more about seeing where I came from and choosing to evolve. It’s like I’m a more conscious version of myself now.

Reflection on My Growth: Pros and Cons

These questions are a way for me to keep things real. Every answer highlights areas where I’m growing and areas where I’m still working to put my ego in check. Here’s my breakdown:

1. Achievement & Intuition: It’s good to feel that discipline without leaning on Tika. I’m finding intrinsic motivation, but I need to watch for moments where I might be leaning toward seeking validation. If I can stay focused on why I’m doing this for me, it’ll mean more.

2. Recognizing & Aligning Desires: I’m no longer lying to myself about desire—owning up to it feels right. Timing still matters, though; sometimes, the right answer is knowing when to say no to myself.

3. Need for Validation & Patience: Validation still tempts me, but I’m learning to let the need to speak simmer, especially in big conversations. I’ll add my voice when it matters, and that’s all I need.

4. Shifting from Victimhood to Presence: I don’t need to make everyone’s energy match mine. Accepting things as they are instead of forcing them to fit my mood is a huge shift, and I’m practicing this every time I see Tika.

5. Providing for Personal Space: Balancing my own needs with my staff’s by keeping it simple and open works. Distraction isn’t always the answer; sometimes, a straight ask for time is more respected.

6. Handling Heat of the Moment: There are moments where I let the heat take over, but I’m learning to notice these. Slowing down is key; every time I breathe before reacting, it’s a win.

7. Validation from Parents & Self-Acknowledgment: My successes don’t need to be shared every time. Quiet wins are still wins, and the people who helped me get there deserve a shout-out too.

8. Upgrading with Tika & Managing Ego: Improving myself for her feels good, but I have to remember: it’s not just to prove a point. It’s about aligning my actions with the life I want, not just the validation I seek.

9. Past Achievements & Staying Grounded: I’m keeping my past close enough to learn from but not letting it define my worth. Knowing I’m a product of where I’ve been while pushing forward with new awareness feels right.

Ending each day with these reflections keeps me on track. I’ve got a lot to work on, but every answer is another step forward. Holding myself accountable—no shortcuts, no ego—just real, steady growth.

[vaicomcas]

Algorithm for Character Assassination

Castiel's 10-year-long character assassination has got to be the longest and most gruesome in television's history.

I always complained about the writers stripping Castiel of everything, but I sort of assumed it happened organically because they fundamentally didn't value this character. But now I am seeing that it looks very much like a conscious, long term design, which goes like this:

some kind of "bad" or "foolish" action (his "screw-up") --consequences or "crimes" that destroy him with guilt--physical and mental trauma--blows to his self-esteem--leading to some more of "screw up" -- even worse consequences--rinse and repeat.

I don't know if that's their idea of character growth, but it was such a one-way street down an abyss, that his character just got carved up piece by piece, until, I have to admit, late stage Castiel (S13 and S14 especially) was a shadow of himself, no conviction, no power, no spark, he didn't even have any coherent storylines, just random plot-assisting cameos really. (With a couple--far too few-- dadstiel scenes being slight exceptions)

Below the cut is a color-coded recount of this vicious cycle of his character's "arc" that nobody needs to read.

Purple is the "Castiel's screw-up action explained by the piles of prior blows to his self-worth"; blue is the supposed consequence of his actions, aka his "crimes" usually not actually anything he is to blame for; red is physical or mental trauma; orange is blows to his self-esteem from both enemies and friends and most often Dean

Getting exploded without so much as a thank you from those he died for--Bonkers gas-lighting storyline turning his heroics of fighting a civil war to save the world into him being super-villain --getting exploded then losing his mind --being mind controlled into killing his beloved brother or beating up Dean--hunted by angels and demons --getting berated by Dean--falling for Metatron's deceit in desperation --causing all angels to fall and many to die--losing his grace and became homeless and got killed briefly--thrown out and humiliated by Dean -- captured by angels and tortured--trying to rally the angels to return to heaven only to have to chose Dean's life over them and losing his army--dying from stolen grace with nobody caring about it--letting Sam convince him to do whatever it took to save Dean from the Mark --got beaten by Dean to an inch of his life--got turned into Rowena's attack dog and turned to angels to avoid hurting innocents--got tortured and learned angels all hated him-- severe PTSD and depression and berated for letting Metatron go--being told he was expendable and hated by angels and got branded and humiliated by Amara and nobody cared--said yes to Lucifer in order to save the world --tortured by Amara and told by angels he was worse than Lucifer--God his father reconciled with Lucifer in his body without acknowledging him----Lucifer was unable to defeat Amara and his sacrifice was meaningless--failed in a bunch of things --got yelled at by Mary for being useless--failed to kill Dagon--got yelled at by Dean for doing his own thing--regained faith through "meeting" unborn Jack and resolving to raise him away from the Winchesters--gets killed by Lucifer and his child became the Winchesters (victim))

And after that he doesn't get even shitty arcs anymore, they made him full-on plot device.

And green is "the one good thing that should have been a win for him for once in this goddam show but somehow also was portrayed as his screwup and his win was immediately and absolutely nullified ".

I can't ever fault Castiel for anything and that is a character flaw of mine. However, I do sympathize with people who are angry that Castiel lost all his backbone after Season 7, to the point that they don't even like him anymore. I hate that aspect as well but just look at it. In this show, Castiel never stood a chance.

[nimphontheshore]

Hey babydoll,

I really wanted to thank you properly. I know I don’t need to, I know you will probably yell at me but im doing it anyway. Stubborn boyfriend, ain’t i?

So thank you, thank you so much for taking care of me everyday and having suffocated me with happiness on this day. On my birthday. I’ve never really liked birthdays, even tho, they were a good occasion for eating cakes, and getting some attention. But this year, my birthday feels special, because it’s with you. It’s my second birthday by your side. The first one was special too, don’t get me wrong, I was so excited — trying to keep it together — for our date night. But this year? Well… you are my girl, and we’re together. That means so much more. And I’m so damn grateful for it. Words can’t even grasp how much I love you, how much im thankful and grateful for the things you do for me. For those gifts that may be small in size but so damn big in meanings and in my heart. It meant so much, it meant everything and I’m so serious. You’re the sweetest thing to walk this earth and i still can’t come to terms with the fact that you’re mine, that you’re seeing me, me only, you know? You’re taking such good care of me, you’re always listening, you’re always giving me love, making me feel loved, heard, seen. I’ve seen a cheesy TikTok explaining like… Bla-bla “if you found your soulmate, the one, you’re lucky. Not everybody gets this chance” and I feel it so damn much.

I had a dream, couple nights ago, and I was keeping it for one of my entry. But like.. This was so weird? Like. Weird in a sense where it felt real, it felt like another reality, it felt like another universe. Please… I ain’t crazy. Listen to me. In this dream, we didn’t know each other just yet. It was you, in Europe, me here. There wasn’t any technology, it was as if we were back to the 60s or something but everything felt like now, pretty modern. And all of a sudden, — keep in mind, I don’t know you exist yet — I was in Montreal ? Somewhere, downtown, in a coffee shop that I don’t know is real, and here you are, sitting with your coffee in hand, and some old ass music machine. You looked at me and my heart dropped to the floor and I wanted to rush to you, pour my love into the table. But I stood there and I couldn’t move. Time passes, and each day I see you, sitting in the same corner. But we never interact, we just look at each other, lowkey smile, acknowledge, speak in silence like “Hey, I see you here everyday, enjoy” but no words come out. I just take my order and leave, or sometimes it’s me, who’s sitting, and you, who’s leaving. And there’s this one night, where I go to the mountain, Mont Royal, I just wanna see the view, I guess ? I’ve been there only a couple of times, so… of course im gonna go. I wanna see the sunset and then at night. And guess who I see ? There ? Waiting ? You. And I don’t know why, I don’t know if I did talk to you in the dream finally… But I just sit there, next to you. And there’s some kind of a fast forward, and we’re together, just like now.

I know… that’s crazy. I mean, it’s prolly nothing, just my brain that likes dreaming about you and that has you coming here in mind, us being together. But this dream won’t leave my thoughts. Because im like… what if we couldn’t have met this way ? Right ? We’re soulmates, we had to meet somehow… maybe that is how. Maybe that’s how we would have met, without phones, without anything to communicate from a country to another. We would have crossed paths, I know it. We did cross paths with each other, so many times before, without knowing it.

I got all over the place but yeah… I’m just so grateful. I will keep saying it. I don’t take anything for granted, I promise you. I loved my birthday because of you, I love my gifts, I love you and your words, and everything you share with me. I’m just so lucky, that it’s me that get to share this life with you; this time. Time is so fucking precious doll, I swear it is, and I wouldn’t spend it with any other person. It’s you, and it will always be you

[of-another-broken-heart]

Just a lot of shit going even more wrong than usual.

As usual, I guess.

Everything gets worse forever, right?

My doctor is team plague. So I don’t have a doctor any more. Care for my chronic incurable conditions (yes, plural) has been maliciously held hostage from me, on the condition that I contract a compulsory COVID infection in their no-mask no-filtration no-testing office. Thankfully I’d already weaned off the thyroid med, mainly because it was just a stressful monthly expense ($1) for virtually no health benefits or quality of life improvements. What sucks is that I now have precisely 98 of my anxiety pills to last me the rest of forever. And that’s a pitiful 24-59 doses. For the rest of my miserable fucking life. Or, until December. Because it expires at the end of November. And then. Nothing. Forever.

And my birth control is fucked. For my also-incurable-chronic-condition PCOS symptom management. My usual GYN office is ALSO team plague. And despite the American College of Gynecology establishing that annual exams are NOT necessary for routing birth control prescription renewal (barring past unusual exam results—which, all mine have been normal!), this office is disregarding that in order to require those exams anyway. In their maskless, non-filtered, test-free office full of plague-spreading anti-science charlatans.

So I reached out to Planned Parenthood. And honestly, at first I was really fucking hopeful and relieved. The telehealth appointment fucking broke, so that was its own whole mental breakdown. But I forced myself into anxiety attack phone call hell, and the staff improvised a meeting on the phone after I repeated the appointment log-in process three entire times with them on the line and none of them worked. The nurse that handled me told me about the ACoG guidelines and set me up for the doctor to call me back to finish the appointment. It took longer than I was told, but that doctor did call me back. And she told me I’d have to come in anyway. She’d approve the holdover ‘script but I had to come in.

And that sucked. But at least that office was still masking. It was the first thing I asked.

But it sucks. It fucking sucks to be told something so relieving—that my incurable chronic condition could be treated without relentless stressful inaccessible testing!—and then having it snatched away. Fucking immediately.

So. That was 2 weeks ago.

The prescription never got sent out.

My manual request for it got denied. On the basis that the medication “isn’t covered by my insurance.”

Which is a massive crock of shit. I have Medicaid. And Medicaid in my state covers ALL family planning services, INCLUDING oral contraceptives aka hormonal birth control aka PCOS management.

I’m supposed to be getting an insurance renewal notification sometime soon. But it hasn’t shown up. Not by mail, not by email, not by text.

The pharmacy/medication coverage got shifted out of my actual insurance plan and into some separate thing, but still under the insurance? They split it to make shit even harder and take even more steps for the poor fucks like me who have no other options. And in so doing, they made it so companies and pharmacies and doctors ALSO have to take all those extra steps, and guess what? They don’t. They just fucking refuse.

I learned THC is an incredibly effective anxiety treatment for me, AND the best sleep aid I’ve ever tried.

It’s also close to $100 a month if I was to need it every night.

The only reason I even got to experience and learn this is because of an incredibly generous friend, who similarly has multiple chronic conditions—but has (and acknowledges) the great luck and privilege of getting approved for welfare, and lives with well-off parents.

My knee still isn’t better. I know I’ve said, over and over, it probably won’t ever get better. But it turns out I’m still hoping it does. Wishing for the ability to crouch and kneel and jump and job again.

Anyway I just brought myself to fucking tears over just my physical medical misery and trauma and tragedy.

Wouldn’t you know, that’s not all?

The person I love has been absent entirely for three whole days. They live somewhere that could be near a lot of fascist police state arrests. I’m so fucking stressed and scared.

Oh. And my mom is insisting my car will get fixed. It’ll totally get fixed. It’s so easy. It’ll happen. So I have to renew the registration.

Well, I can’t fucking afford it, so I’m overdrawing my account to do it. Who fucking cares. Nothing fucking matters. I’d rather spend the almost-$200 on fucking food so I don’t starve, but whatever. I don’t deserve food anyway.

I went to renew online. And of course. OF COURSE. The payment didn’t complete. The confirmation page never loaded. No email confirmation, either. I sure the fuck can’t afford a double charge, and the state sure the fuck won’t refuse a double payment, so I just have to. Wait. And wait and wait and be completely and utterly consumed and destroyed by anxiety.

My bank shows a charge. But it also shows a refund. Both initiated at the exact same time by the same organization. So I have to wait and wait and wait and suffer and can’t treat any of that anxiety because everything has to be for absolute fucking emergencies because doctors are all fucking scum who don’t give a shit about their chronically ill patients. But they’ll lie that they do. Oh, they’ll lie.