#in my tired stupor i removed one of the songs when i had it perfectly aligned in ordered by date so yeah custom order it shall be

[bmpmusic]

Song from my Malevolent playlist that goes along with the art piece!

This song was originally added to my Malevolent, To Those Violent Violets playlist in order to fit the quote:

You can't see this, but you have the cold, calculated demeanor of someone not to fuck with. - Malevolent Podcast, Entity, Ep. 1

Comic of John and Arthur from the Malevolent podcast Not sure what kind of AU you would call this, John is like in-between human and something other-wordly

[tetrakys]

Five Songs - Chapter 3: La Tortura

I was walking around campus towards the library. Even though the last couple of weeks had been calmer and I was slowly catching up with my thesis, a part of me was still worried and I knew I had to step up my game. Since it was already pretty late I thought it made sense to stay up and pull an all-nighter in the library. By the end of the nigh I was going to at least have completed a draft of the first chapter.

The other day I googled How to pull an all-nighter (yes, this was my first time, I had never been such a meticulous student before) and the first item of the list was, understandably, coffee, lots and lots of coffee. I looked at the time on my phone, it was really late. Damn it, I should have gotten some at the café, no way I was going back there now though. I sighed, the horrible vending machine coffee was my only option. I stopped in my tracks and changed direction, the closest vending machine was in the Art Building’s break room.

I went up the stairs and entered the building. The place gave a really eerie feeling at night. I made a mental note to tell Chani there was no need to travel around the country looking for haunted mansions, she just needed to walk around campus at night. I quickly walked towards the break room but I suddenly froze. I had definitely heard a muffled noise coming from the corridor on my right.

Come on Candy! Don’t be stupid, it’s just your imagination. Yes, of course… but then I heard the noise again. No reason to start panicking. Nothing supernatural was going on here, it wasn’t the first time I heard strange noises in dark places at night and it always ended up being my aunt! It had already happened in this same building at least a couple of times already. I instantly felt relieved, I should look for her and say hi, maybe she would even give me a present!

I followed the direction of the noise and ended up in front of a non-descriptive door I had never seen before. I entered the room without knocking and stopped dead in my tracks, like a deer in the headlights.

“Candy?” said the man behind the desk looking at me confused “What are you doing here?”

I was in Rayan… Mr Zaidi’s office. He was sitting behind a pile of documents, the room was dimly lit by just the lamp on the desk, but I could tell that he looked quite tired and… were those reading glasses he was wearing?

“Candy?” he repeated and I woke up from my stupor, how was I going to explain this? I really didn’t do it on purpose.

“I’m sorry�� I was going to the break room and heard a noise and… and…” I was just fumbling for words. “I won’t disturb you any longer” I was about to close the door when he spoke.

“Wait” he said “come in” he pointed at a chair in front of his desk “what I really want to know is what are you doing in this building at this hour of the night.”

I sighed, entered the office closing the door behind me and sat on the chair. However I pushed it back to create a bit more distance between him and me. As if a few inches would make any difference, but I really didn’t trust my judgment when I was alone with this man, and I knew that a desk separating us wasn’t insurance enough.

“I was going to the library to study and stopped to get some coffee” I said looking at my fingers.

He was silent for a few moments and then said calmly “Candy… look at me.”

I hesitantly raised my gaze to meet his, he was smiling at me sweetly “Candy, you shouldn’t be so worried about your studies. You are a serious student and have a brilliant mind, you really have nothing to worry about, believe me.”

“How… how can you be so sure?” I asked surprised and a little flattered by his compliment.

“I am your professor” he replied as if that was a really dumb question “No one knows better than I do. Also, your thesis topic is really interesting, I am sure it’s going to be a pleasure reading it once it’s done.” He smiled and I couldn’t help smiling back at him. A sudden thought seemed to cross his mind because he added abruptly “Go get some sleep now, it’s really too late to study, you can start afresh tomorrow morning.” And went back to study his papers without giving me a second look.

That annoyed me. Had he just dismissed me? For work? It was too late for me to study but he could work?

“Pardon me… sir” I said remarking the last word. He had called me by my first name the whole time, which was perfectly fine since we had decided to be friends or… whatever this was, why treating me warmly one second and cold the next? “Isn’t it also too late to work?”

He looked at me raising an highbrow. I thought he was going to kick me out of his office when he sighed, took off his glasses and said “Touché.”

He got up from his chair, walked around the desk and leaned on its edge, right in front of me. So close that our feet were almost touching and I had to slightly tilt my head to look him in the eyes. “Believe me or not I was actually trying to relax.”

I looked at him doubtful and he laughed a little “it’s not really the type of music people would expect in an Art department.” Only then I registered that he was actually listening to… latin music? “Which is a really stupid assumption to make, as if any art historian is supposed to only love jazz or classical music.” He shook his head. “The volume must have been higher than I thought though… since it lead you to me.”

My heart skipped a beat at the ambiguous way he had expressed himself. He smirked “You should try… you know… latin music is very… sensual. The best way to take your mind off things.”

Was he trying to embarrass me? Well, two could play that game. “Depends on what you are actually trying to get your mind off, otherwise it could be counter-productive.”

He sniggered “Very true. But this is not really the case, isn’t it? Get up, I am going to give you another dance lesson, after that night on the beach we both know you really need it.”

Funny. Was he trying to make me think that all this pent up sexual frustration was only in my head by pretending to act innocently? It wasn’t really his modus operandi, he had always been pretty straight-forward with me… to a certain point. I briefly considered what had happened between us until now. More than once he had admitted to feeling something, a connection, and ended up backing away immediately. He had touched my lips and my shoulders and apologised right away saying it could never happen again. Was he actually playing me?! Was he trying to seduce me wearing me to the point that I would be the one making the first move so that, in the end, it was all my fault? Again, two could play this game, I wasn’t going to give in first. Also, I wasn’t as clumsy as he thought I was.

Shakira’s La Tortura started playing. I moved toward the edge of the chair so that he had to bend down his head to see me, and I looked at him right in the eyes. I raised my hand at exactly the right high to suggest that I would possibly… but then rested it on his thigh, just for a second, and pretended to remove some invisible strand from his trousers. “Fine” I said nonchalantly, quite satisfied seeing that he had lost a little of his composure. I raised slowly and when there were just a few inches of distance between us, looking at him innocently, I said “Teach me whatever you want.”

I saw his green eyes turn really dark. He briefly studied my face, then removed his jacket and placed his hands on my waist leading us towards the centre of the room. There he tightened his grip on me and pushed our bodies against each other. We were joined at the hips and he pushed a knee between my legs.

“Put your hands around my neck” he ordered, and I complied a little flustered. The song was right, this was really a torture, what the hell was I doing? The guy was waaay more experienced than me. Get a grip on yourself I though, he can’t win!

“Start moving your hips, whatever feels natural”

I started moving my hips in a circular motion while he pushed against me, moving us one step forward and one backward. I was basically grinding on his leg while he moved his hands from my waist to my hips. One of my hands started moving up and down caressing his neck and tangling briefly in his hair. The other was bolder. I slowly moved it to the front of his chest and did something I had wanted to do since the first time I had met him. I slid my hand under the obscenely deep neckline of his shirt.

A low growl escaped his throat. “Candy” he said as an admonishment “what game are you playing?”

“The same one you have been playing for a while” I replied.

“Have I now…” he said pensive, possessively cupping my face with one of his hands and resting his thumb on my lower lip. I could read it in his eyes he was trying to make up his mind, so I did the only thing that came to my mind. While staring at him directly in his eyes I wrapped my lips around the tip of his finger and sucked.

This time his growl was anything but low, while he crushed his lips on mine and kissed me with a passion I had never felt before. His hands where everywhere, on my back, my waist, my hips. I tried to keep up while kissing him with the same heath. The moment we came up for air I felt him stiffen between my arms.

“I’m sorry” he said “it’s my fault.”

“What?” I replied surprised.

“I shouldn’t have. We can’t… I can’t…” he left my embrace and started pacing around the room.

“It’s not like you forced yourself on me… I was quite encouraging.” I seduced him so that I wouldn’t end up being the one falling first, but I didn’t like this scenario either. He shouldn’t feel guilty.

“Indeed, but I am the teacher here, I should know better.”

“And now what, we should pretend nothing happened? Business as usual?”

He stopped in front of me, went to touch my cheek but halfway there changed his mind and stopped before he could make contact with my skin.

“This is your final year of university, I shouldn’t rob you of this time of your life. You should be with someone your age, like your co-worker Hyun, or someone else” he said pained.

“Are you really suggesting I should hook up with Hyun?” I was starting to get really angry.

“That’s not what I meant” he replied serious “I just want you to live a carefree life, you shouldn’t hide and lie only to be with someone 10 years older than you, who also happens to be your professor. It isn’t worth it.”

He saw the shocked expression on my face and quickly added “I am not worthy.”

“I will be the one to judge what is worthy my time, tank you sir…” I replied sarcastically “However I won’t stay here bagging you to want me.”

No, I wasn’t going to do that, because I knew he wanted me already, he was just scared. Of losing his job, of ruining my studies… of his past. However, we had crossed a line and there was nothing we could do to go back to that grey area we were before. I didn’t want to anyway. I bet the next classes were going to be quite interesting.

I headed towards the door and, once there, I turned around to look at him one last time and said.

“Thank you for the dancing lesson sir, it was very… instructive. Looking forward to our class on Monday.”

And with a mischievous smile I left the room, leaving him utterly speechless.

[some-rfa-imagines]

my r [saeran]

based off of the song 'my r' | fem!reader | soulmate au but i'll tell you which at the end (don't skip there!) | v sad ending my bad | also unedited but that's nothing new lmao

also, i know the act of  taking off your shoes before committing suicide has Japanese origin but for the sake of the oneshot just pretend pls. this is a slightly different storyline than the main game as well ^^;

this is from my wattpad so it’s format is a little different than it usually is here ^^;

TW: Suicide/implied suicide, abuse, swearing, general sadness & angst.

Please be VERY careful and if you're feeling depressed PLEASE talk to someone. NEVER take your own life, I promise it's not worth it.

Saeran pushed open the door to the rooftop. He had had enough, his energy was completely drained and honestly? He really saw no point to the world. Monochrome. Monochrome was his life, his resolve, his will to keep on living. His soulmate could do better. God, soulmates. The thought made him feel cold, lonely, empty. Saeran was still young, 23 was a perfectly acceptable age to not have a soulmate. In fact, the elderly home that he volunteered at occasionally had many people still without a soulmate.

But Saeran didn't really care. About the words on his wrist nor about the existence of a soulmate of his own. The abuse from his mother until she passed, maybe, ten years ago, had slowly squeezed every drop of empathy from him, sucking him dry. He was 13 when she finally died. From there, he was placed into foster care - without his brother. But nobody wanted a husk of a child. At 15 he finally ran away and got a temporary job as a florists assistant. After that, he simply existed.

Now here he was, at 23, standing above the city with a note clutched firmly in his hand. Sighing, he wandered over to a bench, sitting down to remove his shoes. That's when he saw a purse, left beside him on the seat. Eyes widening, Saeran jolted, frantically looking around the edge of the skyrise. Across the rooftop, stood a girl with two, loose, (h/c) braids. She was in a loose, black top and high-waisted shorts. Behind her rested two black shoes, socks tucked neatly inside. Her back was turned to him and she looked up at the night sky, stars barely visible against the light of the city.

Saeran froze. He didn't know what to do. He watched as she stepped up onto the ledge. In a fit of panic, he stood, pacing quickly across the cement roof.

"Hey! Don't do it, please!"

Woah, wait a minute, what the fuck did I just say? He was now behind her, heaving slightly from moving so suddenly, eyes wide. I don't even care - I don't have the right to care. Saeran clenched his hands into tight fists by his side. He was pissed now. This was such a missed opportunity. Damn.

You turned around - slowly so you didn't fall - before seeing the accuser of the shouting. Before you stood a man, roughly your age, with silvery-white hair. The tips were a light pink and the roots had begun to grow out into a soft vermillion. He wore a black jacket, red singlet and had a striking tattoo on his right arm. But what captivated you most were his eyes - one a luminescent gold, the colour of honey and the other a bright teal that seemed to literally glow. Your breath caught in your throat. Swept up in the soft amber glow of the city, this stranger looked simply stunning.

Little did you know, he was equally captivated by you.

"Please, just come down from there. I promise, whatever is pushing you to this is so much more fucking insignificant than you might think."

"...Okay..." A whisper fell from your lips. Hey, Saeran considered, it's a start.

Slowly, you stepped down from the ledge, pulling yourself over the glass railing. Moving quietly as to not startle you, the stranger picked up your shoes and held out a hand to you. Tentatively, you took it and he guided you further onto the rooftop. You reached the bench where you had abandoned your purse. There, you began to talk. 'You've probably heard it all before,' you said. You told him about your cheating boyfriend, about how - on your three-year anniversary mind you, - he admitted to seeing other people behind your back. You were absolutely devastated. 'I really thought he might be the one, but then he told me he was done.'

Saeran grit his teeth. You've got to be kidding me.

"Oh, for god's sake, please!" He shouted, standing to face you in frustration. You jumped slightly, startled by his unexpected reaction. "Are you serious?!"

"W-What...?"

"I just can't believe that for some stupid reason - for some fucking asshole - you got here before me!" His outburst came as a painful shock to the system. "Are you upset, just because you couldn't get what you wanted? You've got to be joking- at least you've never been robbed of anything! Of your future, of your friends!"

You blinked in surprise before your vision hazed. You felt the soft, familiar trickle of tears as you forced out a broken laugh. Burying your face in your hands, you nodded, chest heaving in disbelief as you came to your senses. The stranger was silent now and you looked up, crookedly smiling at him. "Yeah. God, you're so right. What the hell am I doing...?" All the tension drained from your body and you gazed up at the sky, exhausted. "I'm feeling better now, thank you."

Saeran was quiet for a moment. How do you respond to that? He had never been good at socialising with others. "You don't need to thank me." He murmured, turning to face the sky as well.

You laughed from beside him and he paused, listening. After a moment, he decided he liked the sound of your laughter more than your crying.

"I will anyway. Thank you for listening, and for talking me down."

He let a small smile touch his lips. "Yeah, no problem."

Alright, today. Today is the day.

Several months after his last attempt, Saeran wandered up onto the rooftop of his apartment complex once more. It was late afternoon and he wanted to get this over with before he could be interrupted again. Stretching lazily, he rested a hand against the wall to support himself, unlacing his shoes and kicking off his socks. He dug around in his jacket pocket, picking out a letter from between his keys and phone. Holding onto it tightly so it wouldn't fly away in the breeze, Saeran tucked his phone and keys into his shoes.

Glancing up, he froze. What the fuck is she doing back here? Again, just like last time, the girl with (h/c) hair stood on the edge, just beyond the glass panes. She rested tranquilly against the railing, quietly lost thought. This time, she wore a knitted cream jumper and a black skirt. Her hair glowed amber in the afternoon light, the breeze picking it up and toying with it. Saeran watched warily as she mindlessly drew patterns on the glass edge. It was then Saeran realised how delicately she held herself. It was though she thought of herself as glass.

"Oi! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" He shouted, voice carrying across the breeze.

You started at the sudden interruption in your stream of thought. Wait a moment, I recognise that voice... Turning, you faced the same stranger who stopped you last time, his hair lit up gold in the honey, afternoon glow. Barefoot, he walked toward you as you twisted to rest your body weight on the thin railing. You heard cars behind you - the evening rush. "Hey, stranger. What a coincidence."

"Come on, dipstick. You'll slip, get back over here." He held out a hand to you and a soft chuckle slipped through your lips. You unfurled your arms, taking his hand and climbing nimbly back over the railing.

Saeran internally sighed in relief, glad she stepped down so easily. If she hadn't... well, he wouldn't know what to do. God, he thought, I'm such a hypocrite.

"Why do you even care what happens to me?" Her soft-spoken words shook him out of his stupor. "Everyone else ignores me, everyone else steals. It's not like we exactly fit together either."

Saeran glanced down at the girl by his side. She looked out over the cityscape, resting against the railing once more, and he could see her (e/c) eyes looked a little duller than last time. Sighing tiredly, he looked over the skyrises as well. "You must be joking." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her glance at him. He continued, "another day, another stupid reason to get here before me."

He looked over at her, catching her quiet eyes. "Even if your friends seem to hate you, you still have your family and they still love you. Even if everyone backstabs you, you still have dinner on the table when you go home. Right?" Saeran held her gaze, watching her reaction closely.

You gasped softly, caught in the man's tired eyes. They were even more beautiful up close. What the hell am I doing... Why haven't I learnt my lesson yet? I'm such an idiot. You smiled lightly. "Yeah. I'm hungry."

Stepping away from the railing, you picked up your shoes and walked barefoot back to the door. Beaming, you faced the stranger. "Come get some food with me - my treat. For saving me again."

Saeran blinked before chuckling to himself. It's going to have to wait. As long as he could guarantee the girl standing in front of him would be okay tonight, he could survive a few more weeks. It was okay, even if no one did the same for him. Even if he had to hide his own pain every time he took on hers.

-

Half a year later, he tries again. Exactly like the first time, Saeran sees (Y/N). Sitting on the edge. She wore a soft yellow cardigan and her hair was loosely braided.

"(Y/N)...?" He surprised himself by speaking. He didn't think his voice could be so soft. It's become a habit and before he knows it, his shoes are off and he's running towards her. Saeran's hands shake as he jumps over the railing, slowing to a stop behind her. (Y/N) was uncharacteristically quiet.

After their impromptu dinner 6 months ago, they exchanged phone numbers and kept in contact. (Y/N) had moved back in with her parents while she got back on her feet and they hadn't been able to meet for some time. Some time passed and she suddenly stopped answering her phone. Saeran would never admit it, but he was incredibly worried about her and constantly hoped she was okay.

Walking to her side, he took a seat next to her. Noting her shoes were already off, he watched her carefully. Her eyes were completely dull, lifeless, familiar. He knew those eyes. He knew those eyes very well. He knew those eyes because those eyes were the exact same that stared at him in the mirror every morning. Those eyes that smiles never quite reached, that laughter didn't crease and that didn't light up in anticipation. Oh, god, what have they done to you?

Silently, she reached out, grasping his hand tightly. Her eyes never left the horizon as the wind picked up, ruffling her hair and lifting her cardigan. Bandages...

"I just want to stop the scars that grow every time that I go home. That's why I came up here instead." That's what the girl in the cardigan said.

...Woah, wait a minute, what did I just say? I couldn't care less either way. But in the moment, I just screamed something that I did not believe.

"Hey, don't do it, please."

Panic. Saeran's fight or flight response triggered and a wave of dread overcame him. AAAA What to do! I can't stop her this time, oh this is new. For once I think I've bitten off more than I can chew. He clasped her hand tightly to his chest. The wind bit at his eyes as icy tears began to spill. (Y/N) froze. Then her eyes turned sad, so very sad and she shoved herself further back onto the ledge before tugging him into her embrace. Please just go away, so I can't see... Your pitiful expression is just too much for me.

A broken laugh fell from your lips as you held Saeran as tight as you could muster. "I guess today is just not my day." You pursed your lips, looking out over the sunset. "I guess today is just not my day."

There's no one on the rooftop today. I guess it's time. Saeran surveyed the empty roof. Yep. No one. He sighed, kicking off his shoes and socks. He fumbled in his pocket for the fourth time, pulling out letter number four. Rewritten, permanently. Just me, myself and I. He exhaled lightly, dropping his phone and keys into his shoes as well as a second letter, just in case.

"There's no one who can interfere. No one to get in my way." He mumbled, cracking his neck. Taking off his jacket, he dropped it on the railing before running a hand through his red locks. "I'm going to do it. And I'll be free." He mounted the railing, dropping swiftly down onto the other side. "I'll be okay, (Y/N)."

You sprinted towards the rooftop door. You knew something was wrong - why didn't I check on him earlier? Yanking it open, your bare feet stung against the concrete as you raced towards the man on the edge of the building. Idiot, idiot, idiot! You screamed before you could even consider stopping yourself.

"SAERAN! DON'T DO IT! PLEASE!"

A doctor in the ward was the first to notice. Your last words to him cried loud enough for bystanders to finally notice the commotion on the rooftop. Your last words, carved into his wrists as his were into yours.

soulmate AU where the first and last words you say to your soulmate are written on their wrists, but the first only appear after you've said the last. weellll i just made myself sad

[hannahindie]

Whiskey

Characters: Demon!Dean, Stripper!Reader, Sam (brief) Word Count: 1,736 Warnings: Stripping, language, smut adjacent behavior, angst A/N: This is yet another entry for my “Han’s Sing It With Me! Follower Challenge”. The song was Whisky, by Marian Hill and you can listen to it HERE. It was requested by the lovely @fandomismyspiritanimal, I hope you enjoy it! (Sorry for the semi-lame title that doesn’t even match the spelling of the song. It was bugging me, and also my brain wasn’t working. lol)

Beta’d by my twinny, @pinknerdpanda : “Fucking incredible indeed!!!!!” (There was another comment that I’d rather put, but we’ll just keep that one between us -wink-)

And the ever wonderful @masksandtruths : “Wait? What--what happened? I think I blacked out for a second!” (I lost it. I really did. hahahah)

As always, tags are at the bottom. If you’d like to be added, please let me know. :)

Deep breath. Curtain pulled. Music up.

The lights are too bright, the music too loud. My body is on autopilot as I walk out on stage, the routine I had meticulously memorized replaying in my mind as my hand wraps around the cool metal pole. He is supposed to be here; front row, center. The bass vibrates through me, the heavy drum beats the focus of my steps as the lights change from blue to red to purple back to blue.

You are my whiskey I'll make you mine I can just taste it

My eyes travel the crowd as I slowly walk around the pole, slow and deliberate, and for a moment I worry that he isn’t here, that this is for nothing. Movement at the edge of the stage catches my eye and my fear disappears; he’s right where I was told he would be. He’s almost sneering at me, the corner of his lip curled up as he waves a crisp bill in my direction. I ignore him for a moment, making sure to bend over right in front of him to take money from another customer before moving over to him and leaning down, allowing him to slip the bill just inside the scanty top I’m wearing.

All of these shot boys Think I'm divine But I don't want to waste it

His eyes linger on me, and for a moment I forget why I’m here. I forget that Crowley took my Dean and replaced him with a monster. Rather than let it throw me off my game, I use it to my advantage. I pretend that the Dean in front of me is the one I fell in love with, the one that saved me. I slip off the stage and caress his shoulder as I walk around him, silent, but saying everything I need to with my body language.

They're like a second, but you're like a day Yeah I used to hit it then go on my way

His eyes travel up, and he tilts his head, brows raised. I dip down as if I’m going to sit on his lap, then spin away and walk towards someone sitting to his right and just out of his line of sight. I know I’m flirting with disaster; this Dean will kill me if he gets tired of my little game. I keep him in my peripheral and he doesn’t move. Instead, he keeps facing forward, his heel tapping out the bass line as he waits for me to make my rounds back to him. I take my time; I need him to want it, I need him to be hungry for it. I need to walk the fine line between letting him be in control and where he loses his cool.

Boy I get so tipsy with you on my mind I like the whiskey with my nursery rhyme

I walk back on stage, what little clothes I’m wearing nearly bursting with ones, and grab the pole again. This time, I run around it, jumping up and grabbing it between my thighs as I spin, allowing myself to slide slowly to the floor and land in a split. I can feel his eyes on me the entire time, and when I look up, they flash black. I worry that I pushed too far, but then that little lip curl is back and he is smiling at me, his bottom lip tucked between his teeth.

Throw it back, throw it back, throw it back, throw it back Throw it back Sip it slow

I leave the stage from the opposite side, weaving through the crowd as I go, and this time, he turns in his chair to watch me. I pretend like I don’t notice until I get to him, then I push him back around and part his knees with my own. He narrows his eyes, and though I’m sure he isn’t worried about my behavior, he seems confused. Good.

You're on the top shelf, and I'm looking up Perfectly crafted, bartender tell me What's in that cup, yeah I got to have it

I sit sideways on his lap, one arm draped lazily around his neck as I reach out with my free hand to take money from the man sitting behind him. I wink, then slowly, purposely, tuck the dollar in the cup of my bra. Dean growls low, deep, and the sound alone is enough to cause a shiver to run down my spine. Time to reel him in.

I know you won't burn when I drink my glass I know how to drink it I learn pretty fast

I shift and remove my arm from around his neck. Before he can say anything, I swing my leg up and over his head, in a move that I've been practicing for weeks. His eyes widen, but he stays silent as I shift and straddle him, my knees tight against his hips. I throw my arms around his neck again and lean in close, my lips ghosting over the shell of his ear.

So take me to bed babe, and I'll close my eyes Yeah I like the whisky with my lullaby

I sing it low, and make sure he can feel my lips form every word, my hips grinding to the beat. I force myself not to react when I feel how hard he's gotten through the denim, and instead push myself away and back towards the stage.

Throw it back, throw it back Throw it back, throw it back, back Throw it back, back back Sip it slow Throw it back, throw it back Throw it back, throw it back, back, back Throw it, throw it, throw it, throw it back Throw it, throw it back, back, back Throw it, throw it back, back, back Throw it, throw it back, back Throw it back Throw it back Sip it slow Sip it slow

I finish the song, the routine a blur as I dance and hope that I don't give myself away. The song ends and I go backstage, my heart racing as I go down the narrow hall and towards the room where I had gotten ready earlier. Just as I reach for the door handle, I feel someone grab my wrist. They spin me around and push me against the wall, and suddenly all I see are black eyes.

“What...the hell...was that?” he growls, his tongue darting out to wet his lips as he presses himself against me.

“I have a job to do, Dean. Gotta make it convincing.” His eyes flick back to the mossy green I'm used to seeing and he raises an eyebrow.

“You're on a job? Hell, I always miss out on the good ones.” His eyes move downwards and he shakes his head, “I really miss out on the good ones.”

“Well, you're the one that left. You could have been hunting with me this whole time.”

“You think I give a shit about that stuff now?” he scoffs, “I'm finally free. You're lucky I didn't kill you and Sammy before I took off. You'll be lucky if I don't do it now.” He uses his free hand to trace along my jaw before moving down to my  throat, his fingers gently curling around so that I can feel the pressure. “Where is Sam, anyway?”

I shrug, “I don't know, haven't seen him. I couldn't stay there and he refused to leave. He thinks you can be saved.”

He tilts his head, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, “Do you?”

“No, I don't. It's a nice dream, but I can't...I can't let myself believe it. So no, Dean, I don't.”

“Hmm...interesting.” He lets go of my wrist and moves to my waist. I squirm as he runs his fingers along the edge of my barely there shorts and he grins. “Doesn't seem to change how you feel about that though, huh? Wondering what it would be like to be with me but it's not me? It's okay, you can admit it. I'm new and fucking improved, sweetheart. I'm discovering all sorts of fun things.” He kisses me, hard and desperate and almost painful. For a second, I refuse to acknowledge it. I know I need to, but it's not Dean, not my Dean, and it feels wrong.

Then he picks me up and slams me against the wall, and I forget everything as his large, rough palms slide along my thighs and grip my ass. His tongue runs along my bottom lip and I immediately open for him, and it's my Dean now, the sting of whiskey a reminder of what it used to be like. My legs wrap around his waist and he somehow manages to open the door to my room and we nearly tumble inside. He slams the door shut and tosses me down on the couch, his eyes glinting black in the dim light.

“Yea, you don't seem to mind too much now. I didn't think you would; like I said, new and improved.”

I force myself to smile. If my emotions keep getting involved, I'm going to have a hell of a case of whiplash. “I've missed you. If this is how I have to have you...I'll do it. Just shut up before I change my mind.”

He grins, “That's my girl.” He manages to undo his buckle before a sudden splash of holy water hits him square in the face. He roars, and tries to wipe it away, but in the chaos, he doesn't realize that he's about to be shackled. The click of the handcuffs brings him out of his stupor and he glares at Sam, who's now standing next to him, “Where the fuck did you come from?”

Sam shrugs, “I've got connections. Come on, we’re leaving.” He's careful not to look at me as I scramble to find the clothes I had thrown over the back of my chair. “You alright?”

I swallow thickly under Dean’s glare, which is now aimed at me, “Yea, I'm fine.”

“This is the job?” Dean laughs, but it's hollow. It's not Dean. “Fucking incredible.” Sam pulls and leads him toward a back door, and I sink back into the couch, the tears finally coming as I'm left alone.

Fucking incredible is one way to put it.

Like what you see? Would you like to read more? Check out my master list HERE! 

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[glenngaylord]

MY MOMENTS OUT OF TIME IN FILM 2018

Instead of a Top 10 List, every year I like to honor a long-discontinued but influential annual column from Film Comment magazine. I couldn’t wait for my father to come home from work with the “Moments Out Of Time” issue.  The writers would cite their favorite scenes, images, or lines of dialogue, even from films they may not have liked, because let’s face it, even bad films may have a great moment or two.  This was a great year in film, although I admit some of my favorite moments were films or series made for television.  Whether it’s Alex Borstein wielding her trusty plunger around the Catskills in THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL or Amy Adams waking up from a drunken stupor in the unforgettable SHARP OBJECTS, these shows had more indelible scenes than all of the Marvel and DC superhero movies combined.  

Still, I found myself lucky enough to see the staggeringly beautiful ROMA twice in a theater, because seeing it on Netflix doesn’t do it justice.  If that’s your only option, however, see it and see it with its glorious empathy oozing out of every frame.  EIGHTH GRADE took me by surprise with its unassuming, off-the-cuff filmmaking style.  Beneath that I found an aching, contemporary story of a young girl dying to connect with somebody, anybody…her cracked phone an apt metaphor for a world in which our societal sickness lies buried in an addiction to our screens.  PADDINGTON 2, even more so than its wonderful predecessor, gave us the immigrant experience from an accident-prone, marmalade-loving cuddly bear who just wants to unite everyone.  BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY, despite its Powerpoint presentation of a story, oozed with so much emotion, the joy of creating, the beauty of people seeing you, and the sheer nostalgia of it all, I found myself crying throughout.  A STAR IS BORN, while imperfect,  had moments of such gorgeousness, especially the undeniable chemistry of its leads, it’s my prediction to win the Best Picture Oscar.  VICE, another Oscar front runner, had fantastic performances and was nonstop fun, but, for me, didn’t quite lick the enigma of Dick Cheney and demonstrated some juvenile instincts of its writer/director.  

I saw a ton of films, but even I can’t see them all.  I missed SHOPLIFTERS, BAD TIMES AT THE EL ROYALE, BEAUTIFUL BOY, and BURNING, among many others…but will catch up with them soon.  So having said that, here, in no particular order, are my Moments Out Of Time In Film for 2018:

Gabe invites Kayla over for a “first friend hangout” dinner of chicken nuggets and beautifully lived-in, awkward, nerdy charm, telling this lovely, insecure young girl, “You are awesome” - melting all of our hearts with that sweet, simple declaration. It’s one of the most beautiful scenes I’ve ever seen and a moment our Kayla richly deserved.- EIGHTH GRADE

A young, pregnant Mexican housekeeper tracks down the father of her child, finding him at some type of military training camp.  When she delivers the news to him, he screams at her to stay away from him and runs off to join his buddies.  We never see her reaction, instead experiencing the moment from a somewhat removed distance.  A lesser filmmaker would have cut to her startled, hurt face, but Alfonso Cuarón knew that we’d feel her isolation and devastation more strongly if we didn’t focus on her.  Only a master filmmaker would make such an indelible decision, along with a thousand other great ones. - ROMA

A Peruvian bear takes his Aunt on a fantastical, eye-exploding, stunning tour of London via a pop-up book come to life.  One of the most astounding animated sequences of all time. - PADDINGTON 2

A band looks out at the masses of people clapping along in sync to one of their songs, and in that moment, the connection feels palpable.  Everyone there, everyone who watched knew this was the moment when legends became immortal. - BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY

Nicole Kidman completely transforms herself yet again as a hardened cop with a life full of traumas etched onto her tortured face.  Just watching her lurch towards a crime scene, ambling like Jack Skellington convinced me that to watch Kidman at her peak is to witness greatness. - DESTROYER

A woman in labor and with a horrifying nail injury to her foot, crawls into a bathtub to give birth to a child.  Unable to make a sound lest she capture the attention of a murderous alien slithering through her house, she agonizingly holds it all in until a competing noise allows her to let out a pained, visceral scream. - A QUIET PLACE

A young cater-waiter gets invited onstage to sing her song with a headlining rock star.  Surprised by her power, surprised by the surge and size of the crowd, her guileless reaction and blazing talent cut through, quickly proving the movie’s title. - A STAR IS BORN

Regina Hall sits on a rooftop with two of her female employees from a HOOTERS-like establishment.  They’re all in a transition period in their lives, unsure what the future brings.  They’ve all gone through an intense day and let it all out with extended screams, an unforgettable, undeniable female rage. This small, simple, subtle film is also one of the year’s best.  - SUPPORT THE GIRLS

More groundbreaking than I had ever thought, Fred Rogers soaks his feet in a little tub and invites his black, gay co-star to do the same, breaking taboos on a children’s show way ahead of its time. - WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?

Charlize Theron shows us the real pain of motherhood, never once feeling like a glammed-up version of the harsh realities, and yet saves its most shocking sucker punch for its final moments, delivering a reveal as unexpected as the one I didn’t see coming in SHARP OBJECTS. - TULLY

Queen Anne (Olivia Colman), referring to Emma Stone’s Abigail, tells Lady Sarah( Rachel Weisz), “I like it when she puts her tongue inside me”…which is followed by Stone giving Weisz the year’s best side-eye. - THE FAVOURITE

In a film filled with shocking moments - the odd clucking sounds, the decapitated bird head, the unexpected death of a major character, the eerie, incongruous reflection of a teen’s face in a school window, the most jolting moment comes when Toni Collette stands over her offspring’s bed and says, “I never wanted to be your mother”.  Stunned, she seemingly scoops those words back down her throat in an attempt to make them go away.  For this moment alone, and she gives a tour de force performance here, Collette enters the pantheon of actors who made themselves immortal. - HEREDITARY

Modern day cowboys sit around a perfectly shot nighttime campfire as our hero questions his place as a man in this world.  Masculinity has rarely been shot through with such tenderness as in every moment of this quiet stunner. - THE RIDER

“Gucci!” - EIGHTH GRADE

A young daughter ever so patiently and lovingly tells her PTSD-afflicted father that their views on how to live their lives may not converge, reminding us that histrionics don’t necessarily make for great conflict.  You can find it even when people act like adults and show decency towards each other. - LEAVE NO TRACE

My heart broke when a young Lebanese boy tried every way possible to keep his sister from being sold off as a child bride.  The kinetic filmmaking of this sequence mined every second for peak emotions. - CAPERNAUM

A blisteringly romantic tale of star-crossed lovers in Post War Poland wins the swoon award every time Joanna Kulig (a dead ringer for Jennifer Lawrence) sings the refrain, “Oy yoy yoy” - COLD WAR

Jack Black, playing a hard-partying character whose accident leads to the lifelong paralysis of his new friend (Joaquin Phoenix), meets up with him many years later.  In a short but painful scene, we see the wreckage of a life and the profound sorrow written across Black’s face.  I never thought I’d type the words, “Jack Black’s acting made me sob”, but there you have it.  If Beatrice Straight can win an Oscar for a single scene, then Jack Black can too.  Of course, I’m not even getting into how great Jonah Hill was in this film, but I’d be here all day. - DON’T WORRY, HE WON’T GET FAR ON FOOT

The matriarch of a family takes their housekeeper to a baby store to buy a crib when the chaos of the Corpus Christi Massacre erupts in the streets below, turning a simple shot into something epic, grand and inconceivable. - ROMA

Let’s face it.  It had some of the best and bitchiest one liners of the year:  “I pity your wife if you think six minutes is forever” , “Roger, there's only room in this band for one hysterical queen”, "Tell him thanks for the birthday cake. And tell him you're an epic shag”, and the beautiful, un-ironic exchange, “FREDDIE: Let’s go and punch a hole in the roof of Wembley Stadium.  BRIAN: Actually, Wembley Stadium doesn’t have a roof.  FREDDIE: Then we’ll punch a hole in the sky,” - BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY

Kristen Stewart recounts how Joan Jett gave her some advice on how to capture her essence when she played her in THE RUNAWAYS.  Jett told her to “pussy that wood” in reference to how to attack her guitar.  Advice only a take-no-prisoners, blazingly alive woman could give to another in this energizing look at a true legend. - BAD REPUTATION

All of the tired superhero tropes we’ve become used to in live action appear fresh and thrilling when animated.  Who knew I’d thrill to a whole slew of Peter Parkers swinging through New York on their webs?  Who knew Lily Tomlin would appear in this and absolutely kill as Aunt May?  Who knew Kathryn Hahn would even appear in a Marvel movie and skillfully weaponize a nerdy persona? - SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE

Sure, we all loved that moment when Lady Gaga sang “Shallow”, but let’s not forget another star was born when Henry Cavill got up off that tiled bathroom floor, doffed his suit jacket and reloaded his fists to jump back into one of the best fight sequences in film history. - MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: FALLOUT

Connecting the dots of the past with our present day mess of a country, Spike Lee ends his film on an unsubtle yet vital montage of pure rage. - BLACKKKLANSMAN

In a wonderful reversal to the original, the murderous Michael Myers looks out a backyard window to see Laurie Strode (a fierce Jamie Lee Curtis) standing amongst the hanging sheets. Who’s the monster now?!! - HALLOWEEN

A montage detailing the many prison escapes of our protagonist, an aging, lifelong bank robber (Robert Redford still displaying his undeniable charisma at 82), provides a wonderfully conflicted view of a man who must commit crimes in order to feel alive. - THE OLD MAN AND THE GUN

A bitter, outrageously dead-inside mother jogs on a treadmill, moving cynically forward in life despite having a missing child she barely noticed anyhow and a crumbling Russian society around her. - LOVELESS

“Did you just look at me?  Did you?  Look at me. LOOK AT ME!  HOW DARE YOU!  CLOSE YOUR EYES!” - THE FAVOURITE

Despite endlessly terrible scenes of tourists dancing and eating gelato, Clint Eastwood finds a magic power in having the real life heroes on that train play themselves as they thwart a terrorist attack. Although a failed experiment of a film, those 10 minutes felt real and raw and undeniable because of its stunt casting and astute directorial choices. - THE 15:17 TO PARIS

Smack dab in the middle of the movie, it ends.  Roll credits.  Oh wait.  Things didn’t go so swimmingly?  Let’s continue.  A hugely entertaining fake-out gives self-reflexive cinema a good name. - VICE

After a traumatic incident at a beach (a stunningly shot, hugely suspenseful scene with incredible sound design), a housekeeper looks out the window of a car with a sense of peace as the reflections from the window gorgeously whisk past her lovely face. - ROMA

In the male dominated world of gun-toting action films, it was refreshing to see a group of women, led by a soulful performance by Natalie Portman, lock and load and enter the Shimmer. - ANNIHILATION

A Russian Engineer named Andreyev (Paddy Considine) panics when ordered by Stalin to record a symphony which already occurred.  He quickly assembles a ragtag group of people to recreate the concert, telling this terrified assembly living under a murderous regime, “Don’t worry, nobody is going to get killed. I promise you. This is just a musical emergency.” Not a great film, but Armando Iannucci and company know their way around a scabrous line or two. - THE DEATH OF STALIN

Most people will cite the great single take outside a limo as its driven from a poor side of town to a wealthy side.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fantastic piece of cinema, but my mind gravitated towards another moment.  A grieving widow lets her dog run loose in another widow’s apartment.  The puppy stops at a closet door and reacts to what’s behind it.  We know what it is, and she knows what it is even before we’re given visual confirmation.  A fantastic storytelling moment. - WIDOWS

Evan Peters, sitting in a car at a gas station, is joined by the actual person he’s portraying, melding narrative with documentary in such an original way. - AMERICAN ANIMALS

Although chock full of special effects in a genre I tend to find forgettable, Michael B. Jordan commanded attention in a simple, quiet scene inside a museum, finding danger and intelligence in every line. He was the REAL special effect of this film. - BLACK PANTHER

Scotty Bowers may be a creepy hoarder, but when you’re 95 and have no f*cks left to give, you’re gonna spill some tea about Hollywood Stars and we will soak it all up in this one-of-a-kind documentary - SCOTTY AND THE SECRET HISTORY OF HOLLYWOOD

The slowest moving conveyor belt of all time provides one of the most well-timed, hilarious payoffs of the year.  We need an award for Best Supporting Prop! - GAME NIGHT

Leslie Mann tries to quietly sneak out of her daughter’s Prom night hotel room but electrocutes herself behind the TV console in a delicious bit of physical comedy. - BLOCKERS

A mother desperate to track down her troubled young son gives drugs to an addict in return for more information, showing just how far she’s willing to go. - BEN IS BACK

A closeted up-and-coming movie star confesses to his “golly gee” midwestern wife that he’s not happy and can’t pretend anymore. We get a naked glimpse behind both of their veneers. It’s a stunning, hugely empathetic moment for characters we’ve respectively and heretofore dismissed as a sociopath and a rube. - THE HAPPYS

Alex Borstein’s lesbian character Susie Myerson from THE MARVELOUS MRS. MAISEL has met her feature film match with Melissa McCarthy’s equally nihilistic performance as Lee Israel.  To see her jousting with Richard E. Grant in any random moment in this wonderful film is to experience acting heaven. I loved how their final moments together could have easily turned to mush, but by staying true to their salty characters, they ended things in a deliciously dark manner. - CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?

A comedy duo enacts a favorite routine onstage at the risk of one of their’s health.  It’s scary, but the love and respect they have for each other shines through. - STAN & OLLIE

I’m sorry to say it gave me the “Made For TV” vibes, but it still found power when Nicole Kidman’s character busts her son out of an Ex-Gay Center, calling out its owner for his utter lack of qualifications. There’s nothing quite like a stifled, repressed woman finding her voice. - BOY ERASED

“I’m just like you” - says a privileged suburban teen as he bounds out of his McMansion and into a fancy SUV.  While I generally enjoyed the film, this tone deaf opening line had me futilely looking around for my big house and fancy car.  Sometimes a moment out of time is a wrongheaded one. - LOVE, SIMON

In a documentary full of insane twists and turns, the big moment for me came when we were treated to a clip from DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN. Madonna breezes past our smiling, tight jean-sporting identical triplets, the new “It Boys of New York”, the flush of newly-found fame written all over their faces long before their tragic fall. - THREE IDENTICAL STRANGERS

Say what you will about the endless 80s references, I want to live inside the swirling sequence which serves as an homage to THE SHINING. - READY PLAYER ONE

A Japanese woman dons a strange blonde wig and practices English and high fives with another ESL student, over-exaggerating her rounded open mouth as she speaks. - OH LUCY!

Constance Yu playing mah jongg slyly shows her deep wells of strength and strategic genius, nicely setting up a character who will surprise and charm us in equal measures. - CRAZY RICH ASIANS

Yes, it’s a pretty terrible movie, but there’s no denying the thrill of a certain pop legend’s long-awaited entrance by helicopter.  It caused my friend Dennis to say out loud, “F*ck yeah, it’s Cher!” - MAMMA MIA!: HERE WE GO AGAIN

In an otherwise forgettable film, Jodie Foster’s memorable gait as the “Hotel” Nurse made me happily forget Kevin Spacey’s from THE USUAL SUSPECTS, and for that, I thank her! - HOTEL ARTEMIS

A young boy named Stevie tries to impress a bunch of older skateboarders with a stunt which sends him through a hole in a roof and crashing to the ground with a sickening thud. - MID90S

Renee: I thought you might want a sneak peek of what’s to come.
      Ethan: I don’t know if you know what sneak peek means. You’re completely naked. - I FEEL PRETTY

Despite the gimmick of the movie seen entirely through laptop and smartphone footage, there’s electricity in the moment John Cho’s father character discovers his missing daughter has had a secret life. - SEARCHING

A dancer tries out a solo for a very strange company, unaware that each leap, spin or kick sends a trapped woman a floor below her into bone-crunching contortions.  It’s a scene you can almost feel. There’s something rotten in East Berlin! - SUSPIRIA

Sure, Emma Stone worked out a great side-eye in THE FAVOURITE, but has there ever been an actor who seems born to them more than Emily Blunt?  Still, my biggest emotional connection to this film came when Ben Wishaw sang “A Conversation”.  A beautiful, sweet lament. - MARY POPPINS RETURNS

The site of Michelle Pfeiffer dressed as an elderly woman, cane in hand, hobbling through the streets of New York in a desperate attempt to cash her late mother’s government checks, the score a cacophony of horns and percussion, gave me DRESSED TO KILL shivers. - WHERE IS KYRA?

Think of it as SHARP OBJECT’s UK Cousin, as we watch Moll (a searing Jessie Buckley) tap into female rage in all its messy, bloody glory in this feature length primal scream. - BEAST

Packed with punch and urgency, the opening sequence made you believe you were actually experiencing a WWII aerial combat.  Oh, and then it became a fun zombie gore-fest. - OVERLORD

A group of kids escape a gay conversion camp and pile into the back of a pickup truck.  Did they make the right decision?  Where do they go from here?  A wordless homage to the final scene in THE GRADUATE packed a punch. - THE MISEDUCATION OF CAMERON POST

Blake Lively wearing clothes.  That is all. - A SIMPLE FAVOR

A meeting with the family of a man who got their daughter pregnant goes terribly wrong, resulting in a slew of insults and threats.  It’s a fully alive, oddly comical yet tragic sequence in a film which otherwise left me cold.  - IF BEALE STREET COULD TALK

Typically known for her impeccable image (before the reality show circus, of course), this pop icon lets down her guard and hilariously tears into Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul.  Had she been allowed to be more herself, her life might not have been as tragic. - WHITNEY

Glenn Close delivers the year’s best slow boil as the wife of a Nobel Prize winner who has secretly been his unheralded ghost writer all these years.  Until things grow shouty and overwritten in the third act, Close holds a master class in barely suppressed rage. - THE WIFE

Bjorn Borg and John McEnroe, intense tennis rivals, meet up at the airport after their fateful match, the looks between them offering up a touching blend of competitiveness and respect and which will lead to their unexpected, lifelong friendship. - BORG VS. McENROE

In a moment of much-needed image rehabilitation, Anne Hathaway, as the GOOP-like actress perfectly named Daphne Kluger, wins her way back into our hearts just by the way she reacts to a priceless necklace being wrapped around her neck.  Every shiver and glance in the mirror makes you love her in all her campy glory. - OCEAN’S 8

A woman gets pushed off a cliff and finds herself impaled on a tree branch, yet not only does it not stop her, she’s just getting started in this literal bloodbath of a feminist fantasy. - REVENGE

A man meets tragedy and finds himself in a wheelchair only to gain powers he never had before after undergoing an experimental procedure.  In a fight scene involving an antagonist and a kitchen knife, Logan Marshall-Green surprises himself with each display of brute force coming out of him, making for one of the most brutal yet winningly entertaining melees I’ve seen on screen all year…and don’t forget that kitchen knife.  It’s just the right button on this bit of ultraviolet slapstick. - UPGRADE

A young husband meets with a conflicted priest, and in a searing monologue, tells the man of the cloth that the world is such a hellscape, he’d rather his pregnant wife abort their baby than bring it up in such a terrible environment.  It’s the first jolt of many in this nihilistic yet strangely hopeful film. - FIRST REFORMED

Presidential candidate Gary Hart (Hugh Jackman) confronts some press members who have staked out his home with the hope of catching him with a woman other than his wife.  He indignantly rails against them, claiming he had a right to privacy.  Oh, how times have changed. - THE FRONT RUNNER

Katja (Diane Kruger), a woman at the end of her rope, who has lost her family and confidence in the justice system, takes matters into her own hands in the literally explosive, inevitable, and crushing final scene. - IN THE FADE

Who knew that Hal Ashby had such a sincerely lovely relationship with his mentor, Norman Jewison?  It’s nice to know that sometimes successful people in the film business actually help out their younger charges. - HAL

I’m not sure I ever really wanted to know what it really felt like to sit in a fiery tin can on the way to the moon and back, but now I do.  It’s very well done, but I think I may need to puke.  - FIRST MAN

A young man with AIDS (Cory Michael Smith) sits with his mother (Virginia Madsen) in a car, unable to truly be honest with her.  The pain of it all comes across so clearly on their faces.  - 1985

An oversized candy cane weaponized to fight zombies at Christmas time in Scotland.  Oh, and it’s also a musical.  Just go! - ANNA AND THE APOCALYPSE

I saw it twice to make sure I truly hated it, and yep, I still did…but the opening sequence in the school, the terrorist attack on the beach, and Natalie Portman banging on the table to protest a diner manager’s request for a picture will stick with me.  Hopefully I will forget the other 100 minutes of this painfully unfocused, unfocused, pretentious mess. - VOX LUX