#in my country it's already October 31st

[charoweyko]

The Witch's Guide: How to train your Werehog

"...Werehogs are active during moonlight. Especially during the full moon..."

"...Try to find a soft spot in your werehog..."

Shadougetober2024:Moonlight🖤💜 Instagram | Bluesky | X

[awesomefringey]

I am Larry Latina, and my favorite in many ways is Louis, however in moments like that interview I say, is he stupid or is his team stupid? The majority of his fans in Latin America are Larry, and there is already a lack of many people, my friends who are no longer interested in 1D believe in Larry, people outside the fandom like the guy from the tekate pal norte he talk about Larry, even the famous YouTubers Sometimes they talk about Larry, so Louis the best thing he can do is stop talking about Larry and his "child", every time he talks it makes him worse and without fans he has less fans, so far he has sold 50% of the tickets in my country. And I haven't seen the rest but it's the same. I know this wasn't like the chicken thing on October 31st, and he was calmer but it doesn't help him and if he continues in the same way everything will stay the same, let him learn from Harry's team, the less he mentions it the better it is.

I hear you! And yes, my impression has always been that LATAM fans were majorly Larries or adored the idea of Larry. Although I wouldn’t like the idea of Louis milking Larry for ticket sales either, I assume it does affect them negatively by denying Larry.

I personally don’t think it’s that outrageous. Louis was asked about why he thought people believed in Larry and he went with his usual “conspiracy on iPhones” response which is overall consistent with how he discusses the topic for years now.

I’d really jump out of my seat tho if he would say something cheeky like “There are worse rumors, I mean have you seen the guy. But we haven’t spoken in ages, so yeah, no love story unfortunately.”. But I guess he’s right, it doesn’t matter what he says, we will believe what we want to believe and my take away was that Louis actually isn’t all that bothered by it mostly.

[dearestvante]

stars around my scars; kth. | 01.

pairing: taehyung x fem!reader

genre: college au, goodgirl x badboy (sort of), angst, fluff

warnings: lowercase writing, swearing, drinking, infidelity (not between you and tae), taehyung calls you 'angel', can be confusing at times (i'm a beginner and not a native english speaker), suggestive but sfw

summary: people are not always what they seem. you learned that the hard way, when you caught your boyfriend cheating, the night that was supposed to be one of the best ones you ever experienced. but on the same night you also learned that in everything bad, there’s always a little bit of good.

wc: 2.7k

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halloween parties might not have been a huge thing in your country, but they sure were at your college. the sophomores and juniors were in charge of organizing it every year, and their efforts never disappointed. the yearly organized halloween frat parties were so famous that the rumors about them even reached middle schoolers. when someone got into college, the halloween frat party was the first thing on their mind, and it wasn’t different for you and your friends either. as soon as all four of you got accepted, the halloween party became your main topic, even though it was still months away. you had to be prepared, cause it was the biggest event of freshman year, and cause neither of you wanted to end up being part of the rumors that would circulate around the city until next year. the thing is, the frat party wasn’t just famous because of it’s large number of guests and massive amount of booze. every year, during the celebration something dramatic and scandalous happened. one year it was the mayor’s picture-perfect son caught sneaking drugs into the party, ruining his father’s reputation as well as his own. next year it was the phony religious girl’s sex tape going viral which resulted in her whole family being humiliated and kicked out of the church’s community. so your quartet had to make sure that none of you would end up as the protagonist of this year’s scandal.

october 31st this year started more warm and sunny than it ever did before. as you walked towards the campus building with four paper cups in your hand, you had a feeling that today’s gonna be good. maybe it was the sun’s warmth softly hitting your face, or the slight fall breeze that brought the smell of fresh coffee closer and closer, or the people on campus greeting you with a smile, whatever it was, you liked the feeling. it has barely been two months since you started your freshman year at college but you already made a lot of new friends. you were always an open person, good at making friends. but reaching your inner circle was way harder than just befriending you. your inner circle still consisted of of three people, besides yourself: soojin, your best friend, jungwon, your boyfriend and seokjin, who was jungwon’s best friend. the four of you became friends in middle school, and been basically inseparable ever since. you and jungwon started officially dating during summer before senior year, but you spent most of your time together way before that.

so you might’ve flashed a smile for those people at campus, but everyone could see the difference when you approached your friends. your smile grew bigger.

“hi guys.” you greeted them, handing a paper cup to each person.

“since when do you bring coffee?” seokjin raised one eyebrow, confused, but took the cup anyways.

“since you need all energy you can get today.” you were unable to hide your excitement, smiling wide at your friends.

“thanks, babe.” jungwon said, pecking your lips.

“eww! get a room.” soojin joked, taking a sip of her coffee.

the four of you stood there for a while, discussing the last details for tonight, as well as going over your plan which all of you had to follow, word for word. it was a safety precaution so none of you do something that could result in a scandal. after you finished your coffee, glancing at your watch, you realized that your class was starting soon.

“alright, i hope all of you are ready for tonight, i gotta go now. see you after class!” you said, jumping happily towards the building as your friends waved goodbye to you.

as you added the final touches to your makeup, a notification snapped you out of the process.

“we’re here”.

it was your boyfriend, and your ride for the night. you quickly finished up, and turned towards soojin, who was struggling with her costume.

“okay, how do i look?”

“that angel costume is still a dumb idea, but you look gorgeous” she replied. “could you help me with this?”

your boyfriend insisted that you wear a matching outfit for tonight’s party, and for some reason, he chose the angel and devil one for it. you weren’t against it at first, but the more soojin and seokjin teased you about it, you started having second thoughts. so you talked to jungwon, but he seemed offended, so you decided to do it for him anyway. seokjin and soojin also chose matching costumes, even though they weren’t a couple (they bickered as much as a married one, though). seokjin came as captain america (yes, he had the shield, too) and soojin as black widow.

you helped her zip up the suit and you were ready to join the boys and finally get the party started. seokjin and jungwon were in the car, trying to hide their impatience as you and your friend occupied the backseats.

jungwon started the car. “everyone ready?”

“let’s go!” the three of you shouted, perfectly in sync.

and just like that, jungwon’s car slowly rolled out of the parking lot and you were on your way to experience the one thing you were all waiting for since middle school.

all those rumors you heard about the halloween frat party were not exaggerated, not even a little bit. the house was huge, everyone you’ve ever met on campus was there (well, at least the people you could recognize in costumes and face paint) and the kitchen area became the party’s own homemade bar, packed with all sorts of alcoholic beverages.

after entering the house, all four of you just stood there for a moment, in awe, slowly realizing that you’ve made it. you have been talking about this since the seventh grade and now you’re here. a sophomore student had to snap you out of the trance and ask you to move away from the door cause others want to get in too.

you grabbed soojin’s and jungwon’s arm, and dragged them to the “bar” area. after seokjin joined you too - he had a bit of trouble cutting through the crowd with his shield - your plan was in motion. you drink the welcoming shot, but after that only lighter drinks are allowed. getting blackout drunk was off the table, cause blackout drunk people do stupid things. and that was off the table as well.

after all four of you downed the contains of the shot glasses, the boys got beer, you and soojin decided on cocktails. the group agreed on splitting up, so you can all look around and find something to do, then meet back at the bar after some time.

you wanted to go with jungwon, but he grabbed seokjin’s arm and left before you could even ask, so you turned to soojin.

“what would you like to do?” you asked, smiling excitedly at her.

“me? i wanna find a hot jock and make out with him, for starters”

you rolled your eyes, and started walking towards the crowd.

“hey, y/n, stop! i was joking, obviously” soojin grabbed your shoulder so you would face her. you resisted a little, mischievous grin growing on your face but then you quickly turned around and pulled your friend to dance with you, before she could even realize what’s happening. the two of you spent quite some time at the dance floor, giggling and showcasing your various moves. you also found a photobooth, which meant you could take a little piece of the party and keep it forever, so you obviously tried that out as well.

you kept looking at the bar, hoping that you’d see the boys return, but they never did. you figured that they’ve found the jocks and the beer pong table and are probably very busy with it.

after a while, the dj started playing slow, romantic songs so you excused to soojin and went to find your boyfriend. you weren’t exactly the slow dancing type, and neither was he, but you were hoping that if you asked nice enough, you could get him away from the others to be together, just the two of you.

the organizers put up small signs to show where the more important things are, but even with the help, you seemed lost. the first place you checked was the backyard, where the beer pong competition was happening, but you weren’t successful. next, you went to the bar, then the front yard. still, no sign of jungwon. you started to panic a little, after you even went through all the bathrooms too. he didn’t pick up his phone, nor did he reply to your texts. there was only one place he could’ve been at this point: one of the rooms. you tried calming yourself down after opening every room and finding out they’re empty. until you reached the last one. behind the door you found jungwon, currently on top of the junior hot girl, yeji, who had half of the campus wrapped around her finger. they were in the middle of something no one was supposed to see, something you weren’t supposed to see.

it felt like a rock was placed on your chest, you could barely breathe, and definitely couldn’t speak. so you just slowly closed the door (the two people inside didn’t even noticed someone was there) and pushed yourself through the crowd. you reached the stairs on the porch, but not a step further. chest still heavy, you gasped for air as you dropped down on a step. and then it hit you. the teardrops ran down your face faster than you could wipe them, each one carrying a piece of your shattered heart. the thoughts running through your head didn’t make sense, but neither did that scene which was burned inside your brain, forever. when did this start? how could you not see this? there must’ve been signs, how could you be so blind? this whole thing was eating you alive, and you blamed yourself, like you always do. even though deep down even you knew that this isn’t your fault.

you didn’t realize for how long you’ve been sitting outside alone until you started shaking. in the end it was almost november and your costume wasn’t designed to keep you warm. thinking that you might have to face jungwon or yeji, or jungwon and yeji if you go in to get your coat, you decided that you’d rather freeze to death. you could try calling one of your friends to bring you the coat but as you would reach in your pockets you realize that skirts don’t have pockets so your phone is also inside somewhere. suddenly, as you smooth out your skirt, you recognize that you’re still wearing that stupid matching costume. this time, instead of the immense amount of sadness, it’s anger that hits you, so in order to relieve it you try your best to get rid of the wings attached to your back.

“trouble in paradise?” a voice hits your ears as you struggle with your accessory. you turn your face towards the person who just approached you and as you do, you see him smile. you are out here, heartbroken, freezing, having the worst night of your life and this annoying (though, also annoyingly handsome) stranger is enjoying it.

“what do you want?” you snap at him, brows furrowed.

he doesn’t reply immediately, instead he studies your face for a while, and as he does, you see his smile fade away. he probably noticed your smudged makeup and red eyes, which might not look very appealing.

“what’s wrong?” he asks instead.

“i just found my boyfriend fucking the girl, he told i shouldn’t worry about” you reply with a forced, cynical smile, but also feel a teardrop running down your cheek as you have to relive that horrible scene again. you don’t even know why you told him. he’s a stranger, why would he care? plus, you might’ve just made yourself the main character of this year’s drama. but you didn’t care about that now. you were way past caring about anything.

“well, your boyfriend’s an asshole” he said, and you expected the conversation to end here, so you turned back to continue the struggle with your angel wings.

“need a hand with that?” you didn’t even realize that the boy was still here, let alone that he’s sitting beside you on the porch.

without waiting for an answer he leans towards you and with a few quick movements he detaches the wings from your back and gives them to you. while you take them, your hands touch for a brief moment. you’d like to apologise, but he cuts you off before you can say a word.

“your hands… how long have you been sitting here?”

you shrug your shoulders. “don’t know, like an hour?”

“wait here.” he gets up and heads inside. after a few seconds he returns handing you a hoodie. normally you would refuse the offer, but nothing’s normal about tonight.

“thank you.” you put the hoodie on and place your wings on your lap.

“so.. why angel?” he asks as he sits back next to you.

you hesitate a few seconds, cause the thought of someone sitting outside with you instead of partying inside can’t fit in your head, but answer anyway. “it’s a matching couple’s costume. my boyfriend came as the devil. can we talk about something else?”

even the thought of jungwon makes you sick at this moment, so you’d rather talk about anything else but him.

“sure.”

“what about you? what did you dress up as?” you ask.

“what do you think i dressed up as?”

now it’s your turn to study him. he’s wearing black jeans and chelsea boots of the same color, a leather jacket with a graphic tee underneath. his blonde hair is messy, but if you stare long enough you can see that it’s intentional and it probably took some time in front of the mirror to achieve it. now that you examine his face, you notice the smokey eye. it’s subtle but helps to spice up the look pretty well. he looks good, very good.

“a rockstar from the 80’s?”

“then i’m a rockstar from the 80’s.” he says, with a warm smile.

“look, i really appreciate your company, but i can’t stay here any longer. i want to go home.” you say, getting up from the porch.

“it’s fine. do you have a ride?” you shake your head, so he answers instead “let me guess, your boyfriend was your ride.”

“exactly. but it’s fine, i can walk. so, um, thank you and have fun.” you say pointing towards the frat house and start walking away. he doesn’t say anything just starts walking after you, and thanks to his long legs he’s soon walking next to you.

“what are you doing?” you stop, frowning at him.

“i’m walking you home. you still have my hoodie.”

“oh. okay.”

your apartment isn’t that far from the frat house, but the the walk home still felt too short. at first you were scared that your new stranger-friend might kidnap you on the way, but as you talked more and more, your fear faded. you found out that he’s a sophomore and an art major. he told you about his works and projects and that how much he hates working with a deadline, cause creativity cannot be rushed. in exchange you told him how you chose law to follow in your mom’s footsteps, even though it wasn’t exactly what you wanted. you didn’t hate it either but your dream was always literature. he told you that it’s not too late change and that you should study what you want and not what your parents want for you. it felt good talking to him, someone who actually listened to you. true, the things you discussed might’ve been generic, but it helped. he helped you forget everything, even if it was only for few minutes.

“we’re here. thank you for walking me home. and for everything…” you stopped, realizing that you never asked for his name.

he smiled, as if he could read your thoughts. “taehyung.”

“thank you, taehyung. oh, i almost forgot, your hoodie!”

as you start to take it off, he frowns. “i was joking, you can keep it on.”

“oh.” you bit your lower lip, flustered. “in that case, good night.”

“good night, angel.”

you couldn’t contain your smile anymore, as you got inside the building, looking for the spare key that was hidden under the doormat. you were confused, going through at least 10 emotions and thoughts. but one thing was sure, jungwon wasn’t one of them

a/n. oh my, did i just publish a fic??? hey everyone, thank you for reading my work! this is the first time that i feel like what i wrote actually makes sense and isn’t just random sentences put next to each other ㅠㅠ i hope you liked the first chapter of this little series, i’ll try and bring the next one as soon as possible. until then, reviews and constructive criticism is very much appreciated <33

[purplegirl20]

HALLOWEEN CALL

Pairing: Damian Priest x Self-Insert (Me)

Summary: Damian decided to call me on Halloween night.

Warning: None

Tagging: :@ghoulsister1 @omg-im-such-a-masochist @sparkleva95 @alicejoaquin1990 @vintage-pvssy @ashkrystal @theworldofotps @nyc-kyra-93 @ziasaph @priestparty @queenzay @sultryfandoms @auburnwrites @windhamsrotunda@rheaanddamianfan@theclawdeen1442@tmt-77@blueberryomega@ironshamelessyouth@lisashield @sparklykryptonitequeen91 @claymoresofinfamy23

Note: This is going to be a quick drabble for Halloween. I hope my readers have a fantastic Halloween.

October 31st:

It was a chilly Halloween night. I was at home, ordering some pizza and wings for dinner as I prepping to watch tonight's episode of NXT.

Shaynell:(sighs) Finally. I get to relax after a long day of dealing with deliveries.

As I was about place my order, I got a WhatsApp call.

Shaynell: Oh it Damian.

I quickly picks up the phone.

Shaynell: Hello.

Damian: Hello, my little boston cream.

Shaynell: Hi, Lulu. How are you? I miss you.

Damian: I miss you too, mi amor. How are you doing?

Shaynell: I'm doing ok. Just ordering some food for tonight's episode of NXT

Damian: Aw. That nice. It been a few hours since I arrived to Riyadh and I already missed you so much. I wish you were there with me.

Shaynell: I know, But it illegal to be together in Saudi Arabia unless we're married.

Damian: Really?

Shaynell: Yes. I don't want you to get in trouble with WWE and the whole country.

Damian: I know, but I wish I could take you with me. I only had you for 2 days. I wish I could stay with you for a little longer.

Shaynell: I know, bunuelos.

Damian: When I come back next week, I'm going to spoil you rotten and kiss those juicy lips.

Shaynell:(blushing) Damian. I'm blushing.

Damian:(smirks) Good. I want to see that beautiful smile before I go to sleep.

I smile in front of the phone screen, making him smile.

Damian: I love your beautiful smile.

Shaynell:(blushing) Thank you. I love you bunuelos.

Damian: I love too, my little boston cream.

We smile as we disconnected our call.

Shaynell:(sighs) Damian.

I continue placing order for my dinner as I relax for the night.

[mysticalsoot]

an angel to you

my wilma debut and a happy birthday to my sister, lillylvjy!!

➸ note; i am making this post literally the day before and i am so excited so if this is posted on the 30th instead of the 31st then know lillys birthday is the 31st of october and i just got too excited

➸ pairing; witch!wilma soot x gn!reader

➸ summary; you and wilma live outside of a small town and on an off day decide to have a sleepy day in

➸ warning; fluff, fluff, fluff. maybe implied age gap? dont remember. a gay guy writing for a woman is enough of a warning i think.

➸ age-rating; 14+

➸ wordcount; 1.1k

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the city may have been nice for a while, nice and busy and bustling, with plenty to do and see--yet there was something serene about a cottage in the woods by a small town with less than 8k occupants. it was always quiet, and cozy and the weather was stunning. how the snow fell and weighed on the leaves during the winter, or how the rain pattered on the roof, echoing through the house.

but your favorite part about it all, was wilma. she was like a moon to you, lighting your path in the dark without an overwhelming brightness. she was balance, you thought. the mid ground between mysterious and bubbly. a beautiful artist as well and maybe an even better witch.

she was greatly talented in everything she did, she could bake anything and everything, come up with any spell and perform it flawlessly and each of her paintings were better than any masterpiece that may have been deemed the 'best' throughout history. she was wonderful.

when you met her, you didn't actually intend on meeting her. in fact, you stumbled upon both the neighboring town and her cottage completely on accident. the same happened with your brother and his meeting with wilma's brother, you still wonder if both wilma and wilbur intended for you both to meet, but you never worried too much about it.

you and your brother aidan had left your home in the city to sort of travel in the more rural areas of the country, mostly searching for your ancestry. wherever your magic had come from since neither of your parents knew. they theorized it might've been your mother's side, but no one spoke of it so it wasn't clear. plus, wasn't it time to go on your own? at least in a way, you and aidan were inseparable, so leaving home was always done together.

you never found a very sound answer on your family's history with magic, although you're still searching. through your time living with wilma, you've found ways to harness your powers and control them much better. she teaches you everything she knows, and she's a wonderful teacher at that.

it's one of the colder days of the season, around mid october and most of the leaves have already fallen from the trees, laying on the ground and any surface they touch. on the porch, and the stairs, the roof and the old car that wilma still has (it's older than you both).

she had left early in the morning to go into town, you weren't fully conscious, at least enough to make out what she said but all you could gather is she had some errands to run. she kissed your forehead and left moments later, leaving you to sleep the morning away.

you were still waking up when you heard the door click open, smiling to yourself you hopped up out of bed and venturing to the living areas.

"hey, baby," wilma smiles back, a soft chuckle at your disheveled state slipping past her lips, "sleep well?"

you hum, rubbing your eyes before glancing at the paper grocery bags she holds in her hands.

"what do you have there, wilm?" you patter over to her, standing in the doorway of the kitchen as you watch her unpack. mostly herbs and spices, and some other random witchy things. new incense and candles.

"did you forget your lessons, love?" she muses, organizing everything in the cabinet she holds all of her materials.

"sorta," you hum, shrugging as you wrap your arms around her from behind, resting your face on her back as you sigh out.

"don't worry, they're tomorrow. wil's bringing aidan over," you nod softly against her, playing with the hem of her shirt as she pulls away to face you.

"can we just rest today?"

wilma nods, leaning down to press a kiss to your forehead before guiding you over to the couch so you can rest while she whips up a quick breakfast. you don't pay too close attention on what she does, glancing over at her every once and a while despite the way your eyes get heavy and begin to droop.

she smiles at you, glancing over at your resting form. you're not quite asleep but you're close enough. she makes quick work in the kitchen, flipping the pancakes and plating them quietly.

"darling, breakfast," she murmurs, placing breakfast on the table as she smiles at you a moment later. you walk over, sitting down beside her as you both begin to eat, "why dont you take a nap after breakfast, mm? we'll put on a movie and you can just rest. how's that sound?" she croons, kissing your temple as she gathers your plates.

"sounds like heaven," you mumble, getting up to follow her, helping her clean up the dishes before you both get settled on the couch. she clicks on a movie you've both watched a thousand times, letting you lay comfortably over her lap as she pulls out her sketchbook to doodle in while you rest.

you watch as she sketches quietly, a soft smile on her lips as you let your eyes droop closed again, letting sleep take you back. wilma admires you gently, hand rubbing your stomach and fingers tracing over your skin.

she lets you rest, pulling you to lay on top of her as she falls asleep with you. you subconsciously wrap your arms around her waist in your unconscious state, which earns and a smile and an awe from her.

you both enjoyed the serenity and peace of these moments, the time that you both could drown out the world with simple moments shared privately between you both.

you weren't sure how much time had passed once you began to stir, slowly waking up. you smile the moment you feel wilma's chest rise and fall below you, her still hands tangled into your hair where she must've been playing with it. you sit yourself up, curling your legs up against your chest as you silently admire her. the way her hair is sprawled around her face, or how her lips make a soft 'o' shape as she snores. you hum to yourself, before your eyes glance over at her sketchbook, open and facing up.

you take it into your hands, admiring the drawing she must've drawn while you slept. her love for you always amazed you, since you never could quite grasp someone loving you so wholly and in such a deep manner as wilma did. you were her muse in most everything she did and she absolutely adored you. she was devoted to you almost as much as you were her. you loved every second of it.

and in this moment, with her asleep beside you and a physical example of her love and devotion, you felt you might as well be in heaven, and be as loved as you could ever be.

you think wilma is your own angel, and that's the truth, anyone can see.

taglist; @lcvejoy @lillylvjy @ella-fella-bo-bella @lotusanonymouse @willgoldszn @whos-nicooo @zebonos @charlieisverybored

[septemberzacademia]

30.10.2024 Drafting a Plan

Hey everyone, I just realised that it’s already the end of October—when did this year come to an end? Damn. And 2025 starts starts in about two months. Every year around this time, I say that I am not ready. But this time, I feel prepared to step into my future, make a better place for myself, and retake command of my life. I guess this comes with the fact that I have something to look forward to. Every year, I have had things that I wanted to do and hoped for them to happen. ( However, I have had been stuck for a while now, so this means a lot to me— movement and new things.) I am excited to start my PhD in 2025 and move abroad, haha. I have had this conception of an idea since I graduated with my master’s degree back in 2022 that I will do my PhD from abroad. But life had other plans— those came to me right after graduating, and here I am. I took a break in June 2022 and am now working on returning to my education. I was not in touch with academics throughout. The only thing I have done close to academia is learn Korean since last year. Well, that’s a bit of context about my situation.

Anyway, my agenda for today and tomorrow (30th and 31st October) is to PLAN— create the blueprint. I firmly believe that one needs to be great/good at planning or making blueprints if one wants to navigate academics like a pro. Planning is not confined to what you want to do or are expected to do during a semester or while working on a research project, etc. Still, it also involves what you can and how you can do it—it is also about knowing yourself and improving yourself. This process is not only a way to familiarise yourself with everything you need to do. It is also a way to show love to yourself and be kind. I plan to know what to expect and what I want to do— with the certainty of such goals, I feel confident and can prepare early on. Hence, it makes navigation of academics a lot easier. And I hope that all my queens in academia can show their love by being kind and prepared to take on the world.

Coming back to the topic, I have about three months to finish my application— I aspire to make my application stand out through its presentability as an academic who has a lot of potential, outstanding in her ways and what she does, and simultaneously be representative of my personality as a person and academic personality. And all of you know that many things are required for a Phd application (aside from what is needed out of the potential candidate)— it requires documents that show one’s official information about their family, identity, degrees, etc. But it also requires written documents to understand a candidate better—the statement of purpose, study plans, curriculum vitae, research proposal, etc

So, how do I usually approach planning? Well. I make a list of all the things that I need to include in my applications to the universities I plan to apply to— then I’ll break down the process of how I’ll get my hands on those documents, also research and write the documents that are required to do so, and what will my approach towards my supplementary documents be like? Etc. Once I have all of this written in one place— I’ll start by drafting a plan month wise. (XYZ to be done by the end of November/December/January). Let me elaborate for you all through an example; so let’s say I am working on my plan for a Letter of Recommendation:

In November, I will contact the professors I’ll get LORs from, research how to write LOR and write my first draft. In December, I’ll finalise the contents of my LOR and get it approved by the professors (in my country, the professors usually do not draft the entire LORs; they just add or remove certain parts or so.). In January, I plan to get all of my LORs' hard copies in hand as per the guidelines set by the universities and scholarship authorities. I also share my application dates with the professors to tell them when to upload the given LOR online.

I’ll elaborate more if you are confused about how to draft plans. You can use my explanation and draft something according to your time, resources, and the universities you plan to get into and their demands (if you will). If it is not about the application process, I’ll try to draft a separate post about planning and share some points that can be used whenever and in any situation.

Also, one thing that I want to mention is that drafting a plan not only helps me (and you) finish my application on time but also live my life (meaning that it is not just a tool to finish my task on time but also get time to enjoy what my life has to offer other than academia/my career)—for that, I need to be not only be disciplined and mindful of my actions and time I invest in but also be healthy. If I am not healthy, all this planning goes down the gutter. A happy mind and a happy body equals impressive academic performance. So include walking for 20-30 mins a day, going out once, doing something you enjoy, eating meals on time, cleaning your workspace, reflecting on your day and sleeping 8 hours. You can include a lot more. I do, too. ALSO!!! Planning does not mean that you restrict yourself, but blocking time (I am an ADHD girly, and I struggle at time-blocking— so I use checklists and make sure to achieve at least 70% of the tasks I mentioned in it. I try my best to bring consistency to my routine. T.T) that your life starts lacking spontaneity—it is about finding a balance. BALANCE!!!

I am excited to plan and get lost in the adrenaline that organising brings me, haha—I love planning and organising. If it isn’t apparent with the amount of time I said plan or planning in this mid-length post, you should make a drinking game out of it. Please don't (Plan). You’ll get drunk quickly (Plan). Haha!

This post brings out and nurtures my Virgo (stellium) side so much—it’s flourishing, y’all…

I’ll get back to you once I finish my blueprint and bring some helpful insights. So wish me luck! :)

To getting admission in my desired university and starting PhD in 2025! CHEERS! <3

Have a nice day my lovely readers. Take break and drink water! You are doing great

[britishchick09]

A Tricky Treat: A Wadlow Sibling Fic

spooky season is here!! i had a different story in mind for today, but a newspaper clipping inspired me to come up with this one. it took just a day to write (october 30th to the 31st) and it's an exciting one. enjoy! ;D

it's the wadlows' first halloween in sanford avenue and the first trick or treat event in alton! harold jr. is excited to get candy... until it's stolen! will he, betty and senpai be able to catch the thief?

 A cold wind swept through Sanford Avenue as Robert pushed aside leaves from the walkway. He shivered at the chill and looked up at the darkening sky. Not too long from now, kids would be walking down the now empty streets. They were taking part in something called trick-or-treating.

The tradition had been around in Scotland and Ireland for centuries, but it didn’t appear in the United States until five years ago. It had spread across the country since then, and now it had arrived in Alton.

“Robert!” he heard a voice call.

It was Helen. Her short hair waved in the breeze as she poked her head out. “Yeah?” Robert asked her.

“Junior needs some help with his costume.”

“I’ll be right there.”

Helen went inside and Robert finished raking. He smiled as he imagined Harold Jr. romping in the leaves. He was so excited for Halloween! Robert put the rake away and ducked inside the house.

“Big Brother!” Harold Jr. exclaimed. “Is my mask sticking up?” Harold Jr. was going as The Phantom of the Opera. Addie had made a robe from a piece of black cloth and Helen had helped Junior create a mask from some spare fabric. Robert thought he looked quite spooky!

“Let’s see…” Robert looked at the top of Harold Jr’s head. “It looks like it.” “But The Phantom’s mask isn’t supposed to do that!”

Robert tried to flatten the top, but it stuck right back up again. “Hmm… Why don’t we just trim it?” Harold Jr. stepped back. “No! Then part of my face would show. That’s why I have the mask on.”

“Doesn’t he wear a hat at one point?” Helen asked. “You could do that.”

Harold Jr. grinned. “That’s a great idea! I’ll go look for one.”

He was about to run off when Betty said, “I’ll get it for you. Dad’s hat is hard to reach in the closet.”

Harold Jr. smiled gratefully at his big sister and she ran upstairs, nearly bumping into Eugene. “Hey!” he exclaimed. “What’s the rush?”

“She’s getting a hat for my mask.” Harold Jr. said.

“It already looks spooky enough!”

Chatter could be heard outside. Kids could be seen through the window. They walked up to the house across the street and gave a chorus of something that couldn’t quite be heard through the glass.

They’re probably saying ‘trick or treat’! Robert guessed with a smile. The kids held out bags and the homeowner gave them candy. Then they went onto the next house.

“This ‘tricking treats’ thing was a great idea,” Addie remarked. “It’ll be a great way to get to know the neighbors!”

“It’s ‘trick or treat’,” Harold Jr. corrected her. “And it’ll also be a great way to get some sugar!” “I can’t believe people are going to just hand you free candy,” Eugene said. “I wish we had that when I was a kid. Back in my day, all we did was throw eggs and toilet paper on people’s houses.”

“They still do,” Addie said. “Yesterday, I heard Mrs. Whittaker talking about cleaning eggs off her window last year,” She gave Eugene a look. “I sure hope you won’t get tangled up in any tricks.” Eugene shook his head. “Nah, I’m going to Eddie’s house for a party.”

“The girls and I are having a party, too,” Helen added. “Marilyn’s hosting it.”

“Ooh! Marilyn!” Betty exclaimed in a sing-songy voice as she skipped down the stairs.

Robert felt his face turn hot. “I, uh, I hope you have fun.”

“Oh, we sure will.” Helen replied with a smile.

“I heard Kathleen Fahrig is having a party.” Betty said.

“Are you going?” “No, I don’t know her very well since she’s a year younger than me. I’d rather spend time here!” Betty replied with a smile before giving Harold Jr. one of their dad’s hats. “Here you go.”

Harold Jr. set the hat on his head. It slipped down towards his eyes!

“Whoops!” Betty exclaimed. “I guess it’s too big.”

“No, it’s perfect!” Harold Jr. said. “Now I’m even more of a mystery.”

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Harold Jr. ran up to it and yelled, “BOO!” as he opened it. That made the kids scream!

Harold Jr. giggled. “Happy Halloween!” he said as he gave the kids candy from a bowl.

Once the kids left, he ran to the kitchen to fetch a paper bag. “Is it time to get going?” Robert inquired as his baby brother returned to the living room.

“Yep, it’s time!” Harold Jr. replied excitedly.

Addie gave her eldest and youngest kids a kiss. “Have fun, you two!”

“We sure will, Mother.” Robert said with a chuckle.

He followed Harold Jr. to the door. Before they could leave, Betty exclaimed, “Wait! I want to go.”

“Are you sure? It seems like just kids are doing this.”

“Fourteen is never too old to get free candy!” Betty replied with a wink.

The calls of “Trick or treat!” could be heard as she stepped outside, Robert and Harold Jr. right behind her. They went to the house next door and waited before going up to the door.

“Trick or treat!” Harold Jr. called.

“I think you need to knock first.” Robert whispered. Harold Jr. gave three firm knocks. That caused a lady to open the door.

“Trick or treat!” Harold Jr. said.

“Oh my!” the lady exclaimed. “Aren’t you a little fright? Here you go, dear.” She gave Harold Jr. a couple candies. He thanked her before leaving with Betty and Robert.

“What did you get?” Betty asked. “I don’t know,” Harold Jr. unwrapped one of the candies and popped it in his mouth. “Mmm, it’s butterscotch!”

The neighbor across the street also had butterscotch. The one next door had Hershey Kisses, another had Violet Mints and a third had juicy apples! By the time they reached the end of the neighborhood, Harold Jr’s bag was bulging with candy.

Betty fished through the bag, finding a Milky Way bar. “Can I split this?”

“Sure!” Harold Jr. replied. “I got another one in here somewhere.” Betty broke the bar in two and set the other half in the bag.

Right before the road turned, there stood a gray house with many steps. Robert trudged up alongside Harold Jr. and Betty. He didn’t see candles or a jack o’ lantern in the window or Halloween decorations in the yard. The barren house made him feel a bit uneasy. Harold Jr., however, was unperturbed. He skipped up the steps and knocked on the door.

No one answered.

He gave another knock. The door didn’t open.

“Try ringing.” Robert suggested softly.

Harold Jr. rang the doorbell. A few seconds later, the door swung open!

“What do you want?” an old lady demanded.

The siblings stared at her in shock.

“T- Trick or treat?” Harold Jr. said nervously.

The woman groaned. “Oh, not this again. I’ve had it up to here with those tricks! Those eggs took days to clean up!”

This must be Mrs. Whittaker. Robert guessed.

“We won’t put eggs on your house,” Harold Jr. reassured her. “We just want some candy.”

“Oh, that’s just blackmail, I tell you!” Mrs. Whittaker said.

Robert frowned. “Blackmail? That seems to be taking things a bit too far, don’t you think?” “Yeah, it jus’ kids n’ candy.” Betty agreed with her mouth full of a Milky Way.

“What’s blackmail?” Harold Jr. asked.

“It’s when no good kids like you act like gangsters and demand to be paid!” Mrs. Whittaker explained angrily. “If we don’t give you one of those candy bars, why, you’ll break our windows and pelt our houses with tomatoes.”

“But we won’t do that! We’ll just walk away sadly.” “Then do it! I’m not giving any sort of candy to anybody!”

Mrs. Whittaker slammed the door, which almost seemed to rattle. Shaken, Harold Jr. ran down the steps. Betty quickly caught up to him and Robert sauntered right behind her. He crouched down to touch Harold Jr.’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry about that, Junior,” he said. “She was awful.” “Yeah… But it’s okay,” Harold Jr. replied, his voice a bit reluctant. “I have a lot of candy, anyways.” The trees across the street rustled as the siblings went to a house that stood right on the curve. The man who lived there was much friendlier than Mrs. Whittaker. He gave a big 3 Musketeers bar to Harold Jr. and Betty and Robert!

“Should we go farther?” Harold Jr. asked once the trio returned to the sidewalk.

Robert looked down the road. Past a cluster of bare trees and a slight incline were more houses.

“I don’t know… Maybe we should head towards home.” he suggested.

“Yeah, we should tackle the houses across the street.” Betty agreed.

The two walked down the sidewalk. But before Harold Jr. could join them, the trees rustled once more. A lanky teenager ran out from behind them and took his bag!

“My candy!” Harold Jr. exclaimed.

“Hey!” Robert called to the teen. “Get back here!”

The thief laughed. “It’s mine now, sucker!”

“After him!” Betty declared.

She and Harold Jr. ran after the teen. Robert quickly walked behind them. A strong wind almost caused him to stumble. It threw the teen off balance as well. The bag partially slipped from his hands, but he regained his grip. Little candies rolled down the street’s incline. Betty caught them and set them in Harold Jr’s bag.

“He’s going down there!” Harold Jr. exclaimed once they reached the end of the road.

The thief had turned onto Washington Avenue. The street was more crowded than Sanford! He easily slipped into the crowd of kids and their parents.

“We’ll never find him now!” Harold Jr. exclaimed. “We have to,” Betty said. “Or else all you’ll have is this mostly gone Milky Way.”

Robert could barely see the teen weaving through the crowd. That gave him an idea. He picked up Harold Jr., who giggled as he was set on his big brother’s shoulders. Now he could see past the crowd better than Robert could!

“Do you see him?” Robert asked.

“I do!” Harold Jr. exclaimed. “He’s going past that big tree.” The trio went to a towering tree a few houses down. They saw the teen climbing over a fence leading to the backyard.

“I’ll get him!” Betty exclaimed.

Just as she reached the top of the pickets, the teen hopped into the yard across the street.

“He’s going back to Sanford!” she reported.

The siblings rushed down the street.

“I’m glad we’re going back,” Robert said. “The kids back there were beginning to stare!”

They reached Sanford Avenue just as the teen crossed a front lawn. Betty ran at him as Robert called, “HEY!”

His loud, deep voice startled the teen and he stopped right in his tracks. Before Betty could lunge at him, someone else did. The candy thief was tackled to the ground.

“Oof!” he exclaimed in defeat.

“Thank you!” Harold Jr. said to the tackler. “Whoever you are.” The person turned to look at him.

Robert gasped. “It’s Mrs. Whittaker!”

The old lady rose from the ground and wiped street dust from her dress. Then she took the paper bag and gave it to Harold Jr.

“Here you- Don’t move!” she ordered upon spotting the teen getting up. “Here you go, dear.”

Harold Jr. grinned. “Thanks so much, Miss Lady!”

He hungrily ate a Hershey Kiss.

“You saved our candy!” Betty marveled. “I thought you thought we were gangsters.” “Oh, I did at first,” Mrs. Whittaker smiled. “But now I see that you three are quite alright. Maybe this whole ‘trick or treat’ business isn’t as bad as it seems. I too enjoy some sweets every once in a while.”

The teen groaned.

“So does he,” Robert said. “Why would you take someone’s candy instead of getting your own?” “‘Cause that stuff’s for kids!” the teen exclaimed as he rose from the ground. “People would laugh if they saw a fourteen year old asking for candy.” “I’m thirteen,” Betty said, looking at Mrs. Whittaker as she added, “You’re never too old for candy.”

“I guess you’re right. I’m sorry for taking your candy, kid,” The teen extended a hand. “No hard feelings?” Harold Jr. shook his hand. “No hard feelings, I guess. I forgive you…” “Chester. I live down the road over by Main Street.” “We have new friends on each side of Sanford!” Betty remarked.

Everyone chuckled. After saying goodbye to Mrs. Whittaker, the siblings and Chester returned to the Wadlow house. Harold Jr. distributed his candy. “Mmm, Red Hots,” Chester popped some of the spicy cinnamon balls in his mouth. “My favorite.” “I’d say this was the happiest Halloween ever.” Harold Jr.remarked.

Robert smiled as he unwrapped a Rousseau’s chocolate. “Yes, it’s been a happy Halloween indeed!”

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, MAY 31, 2010 I have a free, basic account at LJ so I can only leave 5 5-minute voice posts a month for when I feel like rambling about whatever. I transcribed the first few with their auto-transcriber (the thing doesn’t know Spanish), but I’ll leave any future transcriptions up to you guys. It’s an optional thing. I left 3 posts, but because it’s already the 31st, I might not leave the last 2 allotted to me for the month of May.

SUNDAY, MAY 30, 2010 My story now has 41,395 words and is about halfway done. I’ll be beginning chapter 15 soon enough. I worry the story moves too fast in some places and too slow in others.

I went to Nevada in my dreams two nights ago, and last night I was back in Arizona. Not a thrilling place to be what with how much I’ve come to hate that state. I miss the desert, the monsoon storms, the saguaros, but I definitely do not miss Arizona itself. That’s okay, sooner or later I come to hate just about every state I live in, LOL.

In the Nevada dream, I was in some rooming house, in Arizona I witnessed some people, both white and black, break into an RV. Then the pigs came flying in from nowhere and I was afraid of going down as a white Jew in what was the toughest state in the country along with Texas just because I was there when it happened. One of the black guys was worried and I told him, “Relax, you know they go easier on blacks here. It’s me that has to worry.”

I didn’t seem to know Tom in either dream.

SATURDAY, MAY 29, 2010 Boy, do I feel a lot better than yesterday! The check has been sent and the weather’s gorgeous! Now it’s back to just worrying about him getting a job by October. Then again, I’m sure there’ll be things to worry about along the way. It seems there always is.

I had to laugh when Marie said she wouldn’t know what to do with herself if I stopped writing, LOL! I guess she thought I was going to stop public journaling, but nope. Not now anyway. So my #1 fan can relax. I did, however, once again stop posting old journals on Thoughts.

FRIDAY, MAY 28, 2010 Tom feels 100% confident that things will work out. But there is no little birdie or fairy that can drop down from the sky to tell me, “Relax. You’ll get your check, Tom will get a job, you’ll buy a house, and all will be fine.” So I cannot believe what I cannot see or know for a fact.

But there is one thing I definitely see and that’s the same old pattern of never-ending money worries that seems more and more meant to be. Why this is happening I do not know. I just know something’s determined to tease and torment me with money every chance it gets. That alone can really sap the life out of one’s spirit. I could really be enjoying this day. We’ve got treats to munch on, it’s quiet, it’s peaceful, it’s not cold at the moment, yet I have that dark cloud always hanging over me. No matter how many times Tom explains why and how we’ll be ok, I just can’t believe it till I see us get the check and he a job.

He read online that a few people said they didn’t get their checks right away, but they came soon enough after they were supposed to get them, so don’t worry. But I do worry, and it seems that’s all I’ve done since we moved to this damn state.

Tom pointed out that we’ve been comfortable most of our time together and that I’ve forgotten the good times. Yeah, because they’ve been hard for so long. A part of me misses my old problems. Not jail, motels and crazy neighbors, but it sure was a lot easier to want things I could never have like a singing career, a baby, sex with a gorgeous woman, etc. It was depressing and frustrating at times, but it was safe. Definitely a much safer problem to have than this shit. But ever since we left Arizona – with the exception of the time he made good money in Oregon – all I’ve done is worry about our survival.

The rent’s going to be as late as the 11th, and again I have to hope Jesse doesn’t get fed up with us, even though we paid the last 2-3 months on time and have been good renters. He says he understands times are tough, but he’s also proven by allowing his dogs to annoy us that he’s as inconsiderate and he is considerate. Obviously, he has no choice but to wait since we can’t pay him money we don’t yet have, but I worry I’ll lose it if he gets fed up and beat him over the head with his own dogs. I’m rather fragile right now and it wouldn’t take much to send me over the edge. We all have our breaking points, and I’d say I’d be pretty damn entitled to mine if he were to start any serious shit with us. I still don’t think he will, but you never know. People can change on you. He may not be the nut Patty at the duplex was, but she’s a classic example of how people can change overnight. In a heartbeat, she went from being kind and considerate to not giving a damn about anyone around there but herself. I’ve seen behavior like this too many times in my life, and Jesse’s not someone we could just “ignore” if he decided to make trouble for us. You just can’t ignore landlords, bosses or neighbors.

Things could be worse. Yes, I’m very glad this didn’t happen back when we were living check to check. We’d have been screwed badly. Without having to play pawn-it again, we couldn’t eat or pay any other bills that may be due.

I still think what I’ve always thought – that if we survive this recession, we’re going to spend most of our lives struggling for money. Some things just weren’t meant to be.

It’s too late now to stop those who have already read my journal from knowing that Tom’s on unemployment and to keep those who may try to fuck us out of our checks or at least delay them that know his full name, but I went and deleted over 600 entries nonetheless. From now on I will be much more selective about what I put online. There is no longer any mention of him being on unemployment. I’m not even going to post this entry because I don’t want to “exploit” my fears, so to speak. I’ll try to focus on posting just the uppity and trivial entries.

Marie was a bit bummed because she likes to read back on old entries, particularly ones where I mention her, but I told her I still have everything in Word and can send her copies after I edit out stuff that doesn’t pertain to her.

THURSDAY, MAY 27, 2010 Tom was pleased to finally find the perfect job to apply for operating machinery he’s familiar with right here in town on second shift for $11 an hour. We’re not getting our hopes up, of course, but it sure would be nice if something up there could give us a break after all this time.

It sure did with the unemployment check that’s going to be late. His first concern was that the crazy drama queen reported that he was working. I could kick myself for mentioning that, too! It’s ok to mention what I do, but not what he does. In the end, there’d be nothing the government could do if they could find where we were working because we haven’t hit that $600 limit on any company anywhere, let alone here in Cali. But it would delay the check while they investigated. Fortunately, however, there was no form saying they were checking him out, and when Tom checked online he found that others complained of their checks being late as well. Also, the lady at the UPS place said that no one else had gotten their checks.

I realize like never before that the rest of our lives is gonna be one big survival battle, sometimes worse than others, but to think that the drama queen and the sick fucks down in Arizona could still fuck us over if they really wanted to after all this time and from a distance, is really quite chilling. And God would let them, too. It’s totally something they would do the more I think about it. In fact, I can’t believe they haven’t done anything a long time ago. But why they’d wait so long to call the government makes no sense either. Maybe to make it look less obvious? But why? The government wouldn’t give their names and so I couldn’t prove it was them. I started to tell myself she wouldn’t do that to us so as not to rile my folks up, but again, all she would have to do is say she knew nothing about it.

Damn me for mentioning being on unemployment! Damn me. It’s like this – if you don’t give people your address, they can’t send you mail. If you don’t give them your phone number, they can’t call you. Well, if you don’t tell people you’re on unemployment, they can’t tell the government you’re working.

I’m tempted to lie in my journal and say he got a job, but wouldn’t want this bogus job getting back to my folks so they could think he’s working when he’s not.

All I know is this: If my sister ever does fuck us over…well, I won’t say but I stupidly mentioned that I would kill myself if we suddenly had no income. If she could be sick enough to have me thrown in jail, why not be sick enough to take our money so I can kill myself and leave her with only one person to have to share her inheritance with instead of two? That’s another thing I realize like never before; just what a sick, twisted, diabolical mind that bitch really has. She is as cold and as selfish as it gets. She couldn’t care less about me, she couldn’t care less about Tom.

Anyway, where something was on our side for once is that we have a couple hundred in savings so there are no worries until we get the check which will probably be delayed a week. I just hope Tom’s right in saying he’s 99.9% sure the machine tore up the form and they just have to send another form to us.

I heard briefly from Eileen and got a message from Ann Marie saying my journal was interesting, but she didn’t remember me well. So I sent a reply describing myself and the two apartments I last had back east.

Last night the dogs barked at 7:30 and I had to wonder where Jesse could be on a weeknight. They stopped as soon as I went outside, though.

I was going to get a new chair since this one’s fucked up, but Tom managed to fix it, so maybe I’ll put it off a while longer even though I don’t really have to.

The cold, wintry weather goes on. We had a hailstorm earlier. In a few days, we’ll have another warm spell, but you know how it’s been lately. It’s nice for a few days, then it’s cold and rainy again.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 26, 2010 Ann Marie was someone I had two one-nighters with right before I left New England. We got together once before I left MA, then again before I left CT. I was 26 at the time and she was a year older. This was in 1992. We got along fine, but we weren’t quite what we were looking for in a person. Then when I left for Arizona so suddenly, that was it. We never spoke again. I liked her, though. She was a nice girl and good-looking too, for not being the tall, dark type I usually go for. But like I said, we were different and didn’t quite feel that magical spark. We understood this and there were no hard feelings.

So I looked her up and found her on MySpace and sent a friend request. I’m not sure if she remembers me since I’m listed by just my married name there, but she accepted the request. When I first found her I saw that she hadn’t logged in since 2008, so I didn’t expect to hear from her. I guess she opened the account and then forgot about it till she just accepted me as her first friend request.

Just like with Evie, we don’t have to talk or be buddies. I just thought it would be nice to say hi and let her know I hope the years have been good to her. She looks ok, but I wouldn’t be the least bit attracted to her if we were meeting all over again in this day and age.

Our weather has continued to be cold, rainy and very un-May-like, even for NorCal. Not-so-extreme NorCal, that is. I saw that Jessie hit 96º today and that is all wrong! Just so backward! We’re usually okay in the afternoon, but the nights are freezing.

Marie told me that any dreams she has with me in them are good, but not the last one. I guess we were arguing about something when she stormed out and jumped into her truck. Then she was about to get into a head-on collision when she woke up. She said that she heard that if you see yourself die in your dreams, you do die. I’ve heard that too, but I'm not so sure that’s true. I swear I was once murdered in a dream many years ago. I believe I was living in the slums of Springfield on Oswego St. when someone slit my throat out back in the parking lot by the dumpster. This was a very dangerous neighborhood consisting mostly of Puerto Ricans and so that’s probably what triggered that dream. I think the guy that killed me, though, was white, LOL.

I had my second homeless dream last night. Yeah, fun, huh? Tom said it’s only because it’s what I’m preoccupied with lately, we’re not going to be homeless, everything is fine, etc. Damn right we’re not going to be homeless! I’d kill myself first! Life can stop us from buying a house, but it ain’t gonna make no street bum outa me! Meanwhile, I’ll believe everything’s “fine” when and if he gets a job. I know I’d only be moving onto new worries if he did and that I would then have to worry about him getting laid off with no unemployment left to fall back on, but that’s ok. I’m overdue for new worries.

The last tier of unemployment has officially begun and so this means he must put in 3 job applications a week, even if it can only be for things he’s not qualified for. He put in for a medical billing job at a temp agency here in Auburn, even though he has no experience with that sort of thing. They said the applicant must live within 25 miles of Auburn, so even though it’s very unlikely, maybe they’ll give him a chance just because of where he lives. Like I said, though, I doubt it. I still think this is it, we’ve lived our lives, and we won’t be able to go on past October. Yeah, sometimes God really does give us more than we can handle, but whatever’s meant to be will be and I’ll be ok with whatever’s meant to be because that’s all I can do. Our lives aren’t entirely up to us, even if some of us would like to think otherwise.

The rat’s life is also coming to an end, though he isn’t suffering. He can still get around and he still has a good appetite, but the tumor is massive now. So much so that he looks disfigured.

TUESDAY, MAY 25, 2010 Although I’m not entering nearly as many sweeps as I used to, I have won absolutely nothing so far. If I don’t win anything by July, I’ll give it up again. sighs It’s like those few years of winning were just one moment in time that can never be again. I just hate to have to play the spamarama game all for nothing and have to sift through hundreds of messages in my spam folder in case a possible win notice may’ve slipped into it.

Since doing a chapter a day didn’t work out, I’ve now set a new goal of a chapter a week. So far so good. I’m halfway through chapter 14.

Some have asked if I have a non-creative side. One not related to music, arts or writing, and indeed I do. The three non-creative topics I find most interesting are airplanes, outer space and forensics. I’ve always wanted to fly a plane, but don’t ever expect to, of course. Commercial planes are more exciting than little planes, but if we were filthy rich, you bet I’d buy me a little Cessna and learn to fly!

The term “Native American” is really starting to piss me off. Hell, I’m a fucking Native American! The Indians may’ve been the first to settle here, but I was born and raised here, so that makes me just as much of a native American as they are.

I was thinking of the new immigration law in Arizona (yeah, leave it to a state like Arizona to do something so radical) and while I can see why it’d piss the Mexicans off, I’m still all for it. They have been a huge problem for decades now. They come up here and steal our resources, they rob us, they kill us, they laze out on our tax dollars, they bring deadly drugs into this country – so something had to be done about it. Something. If I were a Mexican who was born and raised here I would be pretty damn pissed if the pigs threw me in jail simply because they suspected I was illegal and didn’t have proof of citizenship on me when they picked me up. But I’m not Mexican. And after living there for 12 years and seeing how bad whites had it and seeing how much the Mexicans were favored over them and put on a pedestal for so long and given so much for so little while everyone else had to work their ass off, I can’t say I feel sorry for them. It’s actually kind of nice to see the tables turned for once and the discrimination be on them after seeing how badly whites have been getting discriminated against for so long. Now they can have a sense of what it feels like to feel like everyone else but themselves is being favored and given special treatment. And while they’re at it, maybe this radical law will deter others who would like to cross the border to sell us drugs and live off our tax dollars. Maybe. Just maybe.

MONDAY, MAY 24, 2010 Stumbled across an article that said, no, it’s not my imagination. NorCal really has been experiencing the coldest weather in half a century. Good, because Tom was trying to tell me all this cold and rain was normal for this time of year. “Oh no, it’s not,” I insisted. “We’ve spent 3 springs here so far and it is NOT normal! It better not be anyway.”

I love the mountains and the woods, but definitely find myself missing the desert when I wake up to find the bedroom at 63º when it’s almost June. In extreme NorCal, that’d make sense, but in not-so-extreme NorCal, it makes no sense at all.

Yesterday was the first time since meeting up with Marie last Christmas that we didn’t swap emails. I understood, though, that she had to be utterly exhausted after all the OT she’d been working. Like 114 hours in the last week. She’s a very dedicated worker and hopefully she’s enjoying – and saving – all the extra dough she’s been raking in.

I still love Marie and will always have a place in my heart for her. Especially since she’s doing all she can to better her shortcomings. It’s one thing to admit you have a problem – and we all got ‘em – then another to actually do something about it. Saying I needed to quit smoking all those years that I said it was a fine thing to realize and to say, but it sure meant a whole lot more when I actually DID it! I still don’t want to get carried away with emails, though, not just to keep them special and so we get along better, but because I’m usually pretty busy. Yesterday I wasn’t, though. In fact, I watched 3 horror flicks. I’ve got to admit that Marie’s eagerness to please me is cute, amusing and even flattering. She even calls me “boss,” LOL. Yeah, and her boss will be quick to let her know when she steps out of line, too. :)

I decided that once my hair hits the crack of my ass in a couple of years that instead of thinning it with thinning shears to get the extra weight off, I’m going to have it layered. I haven’t had layers since I was around 21. I never cared for them because the uneven ends would stick out all along my braid when I’d braid it, but now I don’t care. I think it would be nice to try something different after having my hair one length for over 20 years now. That we can’t do ourselves, though. That we’ll have to go to a salon for, something I haven’t been to in decades.

I’m glad we didn’t make the roll-on rack yet seeing that these roll-ons are bigger. I’m wearing the Indian Harvest which sort of smells like spicy gingerbread. It’s nice.

Anyway, it’s a weekday so I’m pretty busy. Gotta get back to work!

SATURDAY, MAY 22, 2010 The neighbors are being as quiet as they usually are, though I expect Jesse will start gunning engines any minute now, despite the cold.

When I got up it was 39º! I was not happy at all! The kitchen floor was cold even with socks on. I had the portable blaring in the bedroom and had to turn the oven up higher in the kitchen.

How can Tom call this a “warm” climate? This isn’t a warm climate. It’s just a warmer one than Oregon! I still love being nestled in the woods, but I sure do miss the desert at times.

I was in the kitchen yesterday when I saw movement outside the window and then a cute little baby jackrabbit went hopping by. I didn’t think they had jackrabbits in this area, but it was definitely a jackrabbit. There’s no mistaking those huge ears sticking straight up.

Marie says she loves the pictures and that I’ll always be beautiful in her eyes. That’s quite flattering to know. I know I look better than I should for my age with all the years of dieting and exercising I’ve done, but still, we don’t expect such compliments at 44!

Later…

Hanging sheets now on the indoor line. I definitely like hanging indoors better than outdoors except for when it’s really hot. Indoors I don’t have to worry about bugs or webs or making sure to bring things in before dark so black widows don’t get a chance to nest in anything. I also don’t have to worry about dropping anything on the dirty deck either.

What I don’t like is being cramped in here. He calls this cozy, but I call it cramped. That’s exactly what it is, too!

Got my perfume roll-ons yesterday and was amazed when I opened the box. They’ve now gone from 1/3-oz. roll-ons to 1/2-oz. roll-ons and the roll-on bottles are flip-tops. They leaked a little along the way, but I love the flip-tops. I might order 1-oz. oils from now on and just pour them into the roll-on bottles because then I’d get twice as much for the same price.

Next month’s treat, since I’m only allowing myself one goodie a month, will be wedge sandals with hopefully a 4 or 5-inch heel. We’re going to look for something in person first, starting with Payless, so I can try them on. Worst case scenario, I order something online. My size (5.5) is hard to find to begin with, but it’s especially hard in heels cuz it’s the short people who want them. So once they get a shipment in, they go fast.

FRIDAY, MAY 21, 2010 Nothing from Marie since sending her the pictures. Did they scare her off or is she just beat from all the overtime she’s been doing? She could also be on the rag, LOL, a time in which we agreed we wouldn’t communicate so there’d be no trouble between us.

So last night in Dreamland we drove over to some guy’s house. The idea was for Tom to kill him, though I don’t know why. In real life, of course, Tom would never kill anyone who wasn’t trying to kill him and neither would I. I waited in the car and when too much time had passed I thought, uh-oh. What if the tables have been turned? I then got out of the car and went inside to find Tom floating face down in a mini indoor pool. “You mother-fucker!” I screamed, charging at the cock that killed him. I grabbed hold of his neck and no matter how bad it hurt when he’d kick and punch me, I held tight, determined to strangle him to death. It ended with his eyes rolling up in his head.

In another dream, we were at the Jewish Community Center, LOL, and had just moved. I don’t know where we moved to, but that was the feeling I got in the dream. It was 7:40 and for some reason, I knew we couldn’t leave till 8:00. “Why don’t I go change into my suit and hit the pool till 8:20,” I said to Tom. “Then we’ll leave here and go to the restaurant at 8:30. By then the crowds should be dying down.” Tom laughed and told me not to count on that, but it sounded like a good enough plan anyway. So I went into the bathroom to change into my suit, and the dream ended with me realizing I left it in the car.

The last dream I remember is us moving from my second childhood home of all places. It was nighttime. I don’t know how I got over to the house, but it seemed like I was alone. I wanted to see it one last time. This was a corner house. The driveway was in back of the house on one street while the front faced another street. I entered through the front door and noticed Tom left the living room and kitchen lights on. I was about to step out of the foyer and into the dining area when there was a knock on the back door. That seemed to scare me for some reason and I ran back out the front door, making sure to lock it behind me.

THURSDAY, MAY 20, 2010 So I read this article where a gay couple in Africa was jailed for 14 years simply for loving each other. These were adults, it was mutual, all done in the privacy of their own home, yet the act was condemned as “gross,” “immoral,” “unnatural” and “satanic.” You would think I would be seething with rage, yet oddly enough I felt rather numb as horribly unjust as it may be because I’ve simply become so used to the world’s fucked up ways. Rarely are things ever honest, fair and good. I’m so used to these sad, infuriating and unfair stories that I pretty much expect them.

Just look at Tom and I. Life has rewarded our hard work and willingness with unemployment now for over a year and a half. We tried so hard to get ahead yet we get to live like little bums for it. At least we get to do it quite fashionably thanks to all the clothes my folks sent.

I make it a point not to try to change people’s beliefs and opinions because then I’d be no better than a pushy Mormon and I don’t want to be one of the control freaks I condemn so much, but who do people think they’re kidding in saying God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle? Then how come people die of diseases, violence, accidents and other things? I’m sorry but if it kills us, then we obviously couldn’t handle it!

Each month that we’re forced to sit on our asses I find myself losing faith. I can’t even do my influencing thing. I keep entering sweeps, but I don’t win like I used to. As I’ve explained before, attitude and mood are everything when it comes to psychic influencing. Yet when you feel more and more hopeless, it’s hard to have a happy, positive attitude to turn up the wins and once again start winning thousands of dollars worth of stuff almost every month.

I try to do the things I enjoy, then it hits me that we’re on our last extension and the jobs aren’t coming back and that casts a dark cloud upon what would ordinarily be a sunny mood. Well, I will NOT let God, life, the government – whatever you want to call it – make a street bum out of me! Not now, not ever. I’m too old to handle that and personally, I don’t think I could have 20 years ago. Besides, that’s not the entire point. The point is I think I deserve better than that and so does my husband. What have we done so wrong to deserve the threat of the streets hanging over us like this? Well, I am not going to be belittled and reduced to the streets. I told Tom, if you feel you can cut it out there if worse comes to worst for us, stick around and go for it. Me, I’m outa here if that’s what it comes down to. I’m not going to fight to stay alive on the streets, then spend another 30-40 years being beat over the head with money if by some miracle I do survive.

I would prefer for my husband to get a job and for us to survive and buy a modest little house of our own in a couple of years. Once again, though, if something’s not meant to be, then no matter how hard you may work for it, it just ain’t gonna happen. I don’t want to live on the streets or in someone else’s dumpy trailer all my life and spend half the time worrying about rent and food. Call me selfish, call me spoiled, I deserve better than that and so does Tom!

I’m not so sure anymore that America is still the best country. Sure it’s better than Africa and the Middle East, but we treat foreigners better than our own people here, for God’s sake. Maybe I’ll get to be a little terrorist in Palestine in the next life so this country can lavish me with millions. People complain and complain about the twisted ways of our nation over and over again yet nothing is ever done about it. Nothing!

Tom took a picture of me outside yesterday with the long sundress on that my parents sent before it rained yet again. I don’t know why I look 150 pounds instead of the 125 pounds that I am, but oh well. Nothing I can do about it.

Tried calling the number I thought might be Laurie’s, but the number was out of service. Guess I’ll never know what became of her.

Although poorly designed, Tom managed to get the retractable clothesline hung up in the living room.

The new sound machines are great. The sound quality has really improved since I last got one of these things about a decade ago, and they’re so much lighter, too. Love the chirping birds they added to some of them.

Here’s an example of just how smart rats are. This rat likes a clean home, so after he’s done picking chicken bones clean, he likes to toss them outside his cage. To stop this I put up cardboard walls all around the base of his cage. But he outsmarted me by taking the “trash” upstairs and throwing it out from there. I doubt a dog would be clever enough to figure that one out. That’s why they’re so noisy and bark for hours at a time in places where they’re never allowed indoors; because they just don’t get that all the barking in the world isn’t going to bring them the attention they crave or get them taken inside.

I was proofreading and queuing up 4 entries per day on thoughts.com, but have decided to cut it to 2 entries a day because it’s so much work. So after June 1st, I’ll probably launch entries at 6am and 6pm PT.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 2010 I decided I’m only going to let myself get one non-necessity a month. The savings will never build up if I keep getting stuff as fast as the extra money comes in, and we just ordered a couple of hundred bucks of stuff as it is – two sound machines, an iPod armband for when I’m running, and more perfume roll-ons. One of the sound machines should be really cool because you can project the time onto the wall or ceiling. That one’s going in the living room.

Marie later agreed with me on Laurie’s age being in her early 40s at the time we knew her. I found a listing for someone with her name who was born in 1937 which makes her 73 years old today, a little older than I’d have thought if it’s her. Should I call? It’s free. Hmmm…guess I’ll sit on it a while.

Updated my Facebook and MySpace profile pics with the older, uglier me to hopefully cut down on unsolicited and unwanted friend requests as well as people wanting to “photograph” me, though I just ignore these pests. Or I block them. Whichever is necessary. I can’t believe how bad I’ve come to look, LOL, but if it will do the trick and turn people off, then looking as lousy as I do is worth it!

I still can’t figure out why my face is always red. This started years ago and at first it looked good cuz it was just my cheeks. But now it’s everywhere except for my chin and forehead, making me look like I’ve got a strange-looking sunburn. I tried to cover it with makeup, but it was still visible. Putting on makeup has gotten to be a rather difficult thing to do as blind as I’ve gotten. I had to keep reaching for my glasses along the way just to see what I was doing. And of course my face still looks huge and round no matter how much weight I lose. Oh well. I’d rather look like shit than worry about money all my life, but I’m sure I’m going to get to do both. Like I said, money’s fine right now. It’s when our final extension runs out that I’m worried about. Everybody’s been saying the jobs will come back for over a year now. Yeah, when? When will they come back?

I sat and stared at this screen till my screen saver activated itself, so I guess that means I have nothing more to say.

TUESDAY, MAY 18, 2010 Was her first name spelled Lori or Laurie? And how exactly was her last name spelled? I wish I knew, and I wish I knew how old she was too, so I could try to track her down and say hello.

Lori/Laurie M was one of my top 3 favorite staffers at Valleyhead next to Lisa and Michelle. The job seemed to matter to her just as much as the paycheck and I know I was one of her favorites as well. She even got me a plant once, but with my blacker-than-black thumb, I doubt it lived very long afterward, LOL. I had what I’d call a borderline crush on her. I liked her, but not like I liked Mary.

Marie and I disagree on how old she was at the time. She says late 20s to early 30s, but I thought she was between 40-45. I’ll show Tom and Paul her picture and see what they think.

Wherever she is, however she spells her name, I hope the last 26 years have been very good for her!

MONDAY, MAY 17, 2010 Wow, what a trip down memory lane! Saw additional pictures from Valleyhead that Marie posted. I recognized most people and even identified a few she was unsure of. Glad she didn’t have any of the wicked witch (Abbott). Abbott, Mosca and Donovan were definitely the worst. Too bad there were no pics of Lisa M and Michelle S. They were the best. Even Mary C would have been nice to see as much as she played with my head (I had a crush on her). And of course I looked like a total geek in the one she had of me!

I’m at the point in my proofreading/posting where I’m at the Vista Ventana. I thought I’d get a kick out of reading back on some of it, but instead I found myself angry. Not just because of how so many of the residents there so needlessly played with my head and stabbed me in the back, but because of all the struggling I was going through. I spent an awful lot of time going hungry in the beginning and getting the runaround from the food stamp people. And while that in itself has me angry enough, what’s worse is that so many people could have helped me. So many! Yet they chose to sit on their asses in their comfy little world while I starved my ass off with no extra weight to spare. I wasn’t 125 pounds then, I was under 100! OMG, I was so pissed to read back on the shit I went through. My parents could have helped, my sister could have helped, Andy could have helped with some of his pot money… argh! I did not have to go through what I went through and I shouldn’t have.

sighs But God obviously wanted it all to happen. Must’ve thought it was pretty funny or something. shakes head with disgust Almost makes me want to run into the kitchen and eat till I burst. I can do that. Yes, God’s little poor-assed bum has enough food to burst her at the seams. Amazing, huh?

Some people have suggested that maybe God was testing me. A test that could’ve killed or at least gotten me very sick?!?! That’s just ridiculous! What the hell kind of a test is that?!?!

Forget about it, I try to tell myself. It happened 18 years ago. But it’s not that easy. That’d be like my trying to tell Marie to forget about all the horrible things that were done to her or anyone else in a similar situation. People may forgive, but they don’t just “forget” bad things that happen to them. I’m sure almost all of them would if they could.

What’s really sad is knowing that it’s only a matter of time before my safety and my well-being are once again thrown on the line. In fact, if I’ve got to go in October, I’m going to make damn sure my story is done by then. My goal is to do a chapter a week, which would mean I’d be done in late September. Or sooner if I can get through it faster. If we’re not going to survive this economy I at least want to finish it so I can know I met the goal that I set for myself, and have something to leave my friends. Paul and Marie are really looking forward to it and I wouldn’t want to let them down.

The more status updates I see of Nickolena’s the less sure I am that that’s her kid. Her activities are too normal for a teenager. She talks about going to shows, and movies, coloring her hair, etc. Well, no matter how “supportive” her parents may be, you certainly can’t do all the things she mentions doing with a kid.

SUNDAY, MAY 16, 2010 Ah, it smells so good in here! Especially after having to smell ammonia for nearly an hour as the dark blond hair dye sat on my head. I started a new Glade plug-in going – the Hawaiian one – while I rinsed it out in the shower. Then returned to the room to find it smelling a lot better.

My new flat iron is frying the hell outa my hair so I’ve got to turn down its settings and use it less often.

Soon I’ll have Tom take some new pics of me and will update various profile pages of mine with the smarter but older, fatter, uglier me. :) The only ones I really need to update, though are Facebook and MySpace. The pics there were taken right before we left Arizona, so they’re about 6 years old. All other pics are less than a year old, like on the diary site which was taken last fall. Sometimes I just like to use pics of pets, flowers or scenery.

We got a set of cordless phones and they’re so nice! Why couldn’t phones like this have existed back when I was really into phones? I’m amazed at how lightweight the phones and chargers are. The phones have speakers in them, and they make for a good intercom system as well. We still have the older phone hooked to the landline that was included in our internet package.

Talked to Marie on her break before her coworkers came to join her and they all went to eat. She’s down to 138 pounds, getting a bit low for someone who’s 5’ 6”. I hope she’ll quit losing soon.

She joked about shaving her head and checking out dirty pictures on her break. She would too, LOL. I never liked women with no hair or overly short hair, but it’s her hair.

“Just warning you,” she said, “I found a pic of you at Valleyhead. Becky took it, but I can’t remember her last name.”

I knew it was H and she was amazed at my memory. Becky was a good kid, though I don’t remember her taking the pic. In the drugged-up stupor that I lived in back then, I’m not surprised. Marie says I was singing and playing my guitar in the pic and has several VH pics she plans to post in her Webshits album soon. That ought to be interesting to see. I don’t miss the place and don’t want to be reminded of it and how miserable I was, but it would still be cool to see who I may remember.

Marie thanked me for sticking by her and promises not to contact me during the week she’s on the rag cuz she doesn’t want to fight even though she loves it when I go off. Yeah, but she can shove a broom handle up her ass during those 12 weeks in a year. :)

It was dead quiet all morning, but Tom said Jesse wasn’t home when he came and went from Walmart, so he obviously took the dogs with him. Wish he’d do that more often!

I couldn’t resist. I had to do it. I don’t know why, but I did. And it felt good, too. :) I sent a message to Nickolena asking that she give her mom the link I enclosed which went straight to my journal, of course. In it, I posted an entry with her name in it that read:

Evie. I wonder about her at times. I don’t want to talk to her, but I do think of her from time to time and hope she’s doing well. We didn’t know each other very well, but we did chat on the phone a few times and swap a few emails right before we left Phoenix.

Then one day after we moved, Tom came home and said his mother was upset, and a conversation followed that went something like this:

“What for?” I asked.

“Because Evie told her she was upset with you for asking that she leave the kids behind if they visit us at the new place.”

“But why didn’t Evie just come to me about it? If I was the one she had a problem with, why did she go to Mom?”

I knew from past experience just how destructive little kids could be, and Evie didn’t seem big on discipline, which had become nearly illegal by then anyway. Today you go to jail for simply yelling at your kids. Years ago you got away with a hell of a lot worse than the worst things my own parents ever did to me.

Nonetheless, I always wanted to tell her that. That really bothered me the way she went to the queen like she did and not to me directly. This is partly why I don’t hate her or anything like that – she is a sweet person otherwise – but don’t want to associate with her. I mean, why bother? She’s hundreds of miles away and we hardly know each other or have much in common. I just A, wanted her to know I didn’t appreciate her doing that but have no hard feelings, and B, I once again got a kick out of the idea of someone I used to know reading my journal, if she wasn’t already aware of it. And of course, Miss Perfect will hear all about it!

Oh, how therapeutic the net has become, though it can never “fix” what the black bigots down in Arizona did to me. Just make me feel a little better.

Not surprisingly, I never heard back from Evie or Maliheh. I didn’t want to either.

SATURDAY, MAY 15, 2010 It’s so hard to enjoy the moment when I’m always worrying about the future! We were planning on going on quite a shopping spree this weekend to get some stuff we both need and want. As I said a few entries ago, one of the things I was going to get was a decorative mannequin head, but I’ve changed my mind and decided to just get some perfume oils for now. I just can’t be as optimistic as Tom and believe for sure that we’ll survive this recession. And as strange as it may sound, I’d rather get something that I use rather than something that just sits there looking pretty if I’m going to be dead in October. We’re on our last extension, the jobs aren’t coming back very fast, the government cares more about other countries than its own, and there doesn’t seem to be any God up there that gives a damn. So how the hell am I supposed to believe everything will work out and be “ok” in the end? Sorry, but there are no guarantees here. Living with the knowledge that I could be struck and killed by lightning is one thing. Living with knowing we may have no income in the fall is another. So as much as I hate to do it, I’ve started making some preparations just in case and am not going to get certain things till we know for sure what’s going on, and that includes any more pets. I have to think like this could be it, even though I certainly don’t like it and I don’t want to. But maybe I’ll be surprised in the end, though if I am I’m sure a part of me may be a little sorry I was. Am I going to have to worry about our survival every single day of my life no matter how long I’m destined to live??? Is this it? Is this the way it’s always going to be? If the end is near, maybe it’s a good thing, though I would still like to see if we really can get a house in a couple of years or not first.

We sure were in a house that seemed to be ours in my dreams last night. It was a very vividly detailed dream. The sounds, colors and images were crystal clear. The only negative to the dream was the dog next door barking its ass off for hours on end, so that’s how I knew that yes, we were still in the west. The snow-capped mountains told me we were still in NorCal.

We’d never met our neighbors in the dream nor could we see them. At least that’s the feeling I got, and the closest one which was the one with the dog, was about 50-100 feet away, so closer than Jesse. The lot seemed smaller too, like a couple of acres instead of 10.

I didn’t see much detail within the house itself, but we changed seasons in the dream. I was in the living room at one point with Tom and some woman and we were all talking about whatever. The place had spacious windows and the view out the side opposite the dog was beautiful. I saw rolling mountains for miles and miles, but I didn’t like how we were getting a dusting of snow. “I didn’t come here for this,” I said, and Tom and the woman laughed. I stood up and gazed out the window at the mountains and saw that the higher they were, the more snow was on them.

Next thing I know I’m outside and the weather’s nice. There were hills and trees just like there are here. To the tune of the barking next door, I walked up our driveway which was either paved or had gravel. Then I walked to the main road which was sort of like the main road here, only it was a dirt road and you could see a part of it from our house. A couple of pig cars went by and I went jogging down the road. At one point there was a bridge with no wall or railing of any kind and I peered over its edge, careful not to fall the 20 or so feet into the river or canal below. Then I turned and ran back up the road, thinking how much I loved to come out and run up and down it for exercise every day in which I never saw one house along the way.

The one thing that was all wrong about the dream was that it was in a more established area like this. It was too built up to be anything we could afford. If we stick with rural, we’re going off the grid.

I could tell that a mouse was under the kitchen sink because the box of poison had moved a bit. Yeah, I knew they wouldn’t go more than a few weeks without seeing us. I’m just amazed at how hard they are to trap and how clever they are that they can sometimes sense what’s a trap and what’s not.

FRIDAY, MAY 14, 2010 Lena is spamming me again with offers to buy Viagra. Sorry, but I don’t think Viagra could help me. She’s hitting Marie with it too, from what I could see since she sent it to multiple people. I not only blocked her email altogether, but I also filled out a complaint form with Yahoo where you fill in the header and the body of the email as proof of the problem. I hope Marie will do the same, who knows never again to give out my email addy without asking first. She’s totally the type who would associate with people like Lena who would do such things, too. I can just imagine what her roommates are like, though even she complains about one of them.

Marie and I are going to chat tomorrow night, so I look forward to that.

As I go through old journals to post over on thoughts.com, I remember people I mentioned in them that I used to know back then, both good and bad, and out of curiosity, I see if I can find some of them on one of the social networks. Well, I found Maliheh living in Missouri. I can’t swear that it’s the one I briefly knew, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was since I doubt many people spell their name that way which she pronounced as Malia.

Anyway, Maliheh was much like Lena. We met in a gay bar one night in 1991 in Northampton, MA when I was 25 and she was 34 and she was all over me. But I was still young and naïve at the time and didn’t see these drunken whack jobs for what they were, not that she was necessarily “drunk” per se. Instead, I took every kiss, every hug, and every wink as a sign saying she was as interested in me as I was in her. I can’t deny that she was pretty hot. A little shorter than I usually go for, but good-looking just the same.

So I called her at the number she gave me a day or two later and right away I felt like I was talking to a whole different person. She seemed to remember me, but she was mean, rude, snotty and acted as if she hated my guts. She was just so full of anger! Like how dare I have the nerve to call on the number she herself gave me. Then we started prank calling each other, and who should go down for it? Me, of course! The courts didn’t take it very seriously, but it was just my usual shit luck to have to be dragged through the mud while someone who was doing the exact same thing never had to answer to any court calls.

The older me would’ve hung up on her right away and known that she wasn’t worth bothering with, but I took it pretty hard back then. I’d been rejected before by family, friends, lovers and potential lovers, but like I said, I was still young and so I felt both hurt and angry.

So what did I do when I found her on Facebook? Slipped her the link to my journals, of course, LOL! Hey, why not? It’s perfectly legal and doesn’t cost a thing.

There’s more I could write about, but I am incredibly busy tonight between work, laundry, getting the grocery list made up, proofreading and posting old journals, working on my story, entering sweeps, studying languages and working out. If I get to all this shit before I crash it will be a miracle!

THURSDAY, MAY 13, 2010 They say that for a child to draw pictures of a sexual nature and to pose their dolls in suggestive positions are classic signs of molestation. Well, I did these things as a child, yet I don’t remember ever being sexually abused in any way. I was in the first or second grade when the teacher I had at the time confronted me about a rather explicit picture I’d drawn on the back of one of my work papers. I knew what it was, though I insisted otherwise. I was 6 or 7 at the time.

Over the years these incidents have left me wondering if anyone hurt me before I was old enough to remember it. Or do kids just sometimes draw these kinds of pictures anyway? I was still at least verbally and emotionally abused as a child. Maybe that’s enough to trigger these signs, IDK. If anyone did anything to me, I highly doubt it was someone in the family for two reasons. One is that no one in my family seems like the type to molest children, and secondly, it probably would have gone on for years if it was a family member. Molesters don’t usually strike just once or twice. So if I was victimized in any way it was probably done by someone who had little contact with me and was probably out of my life as fast as they were in it, leaving the memory of them to be gone forever and totally irretrievable. Most likely, however, nothing sexual happened. I would think that no matter how young a person may be who endures any kind of sexual abuse they would eventually have to remember it at some point in their lives. I know some people block these things out, but sooner or later, usually in their 20s, the memory resurfaces. Yet if by some chance you do exist and you’re still out there somewhere – no doubt thoroughly blessed by God – be glad I’ll never know who you are.

Some guy on MySpace claiming to be a photographer in San Francisco says he’s going to be in the area and would like to photograph me for some group he’s a part of, saying I have a lot of talent and potential in my profile picture. LOL, I let him know that picture’s about 6 years old and that I’ve since cut off all my hair. Yeah, it’s barely to the middle of my back now, though I’m sure it’s just some pervert wanting to try to rape or beat me. Maybe even kill me. I’d rather die of old age or poverty, whichever comes first.

We’re not exactly living in poverty at the moment, fortunately, since we’re about to spend a few hundred bucks on stuff we need and want. Let’s see… car parts that he needed to work on a pulley which he worked on today. A couple more sound machines for the other rooms since the barking, at least in the mornings, is going to be a year-round thing now. The retractable clothesline and the parts to build a rack for my perfume oils. A set of new cordless phones. And lastly, a partial mannequin that I thought looked really cool (Marie ought to love that, LOL). It would be good for keeping spare wigs on as well as making a nice decoration. It’s basically only a head. It’s only 17” high and only goes as low as just above the nipples. She has brown eyes and pierced ears, so she also makes for a good way to keep jewelry, particularly necklaces.

Marie tweeted that she’s thinking of me and hopes I call soon. I like it when she tweets. It’s a way of still keeping in touch and knowing what’s up with her, yet not losing too much time from work. I’ll go ahead and call her tomorrow night at 11pm my time unless she tells me to make it some other time. I’d rather that than the IM thing, and this way I can hear her voice.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 12, 2010 They posted a fifth story of mine on the Girl Directory and already it has a 4.5-star rating.

One of the administrators on thoughts.com liked my “blast from the past” and friended me, so that was nice. Also, my blog over there has a 5-star rating. Hmmm… interesting. Is it what I write about? Or is it how I write it?

Didn’t get up till around 4pm. Heard the pest buzzing around on the ATV, but that was it.

I woke up on my side. My right side is my favorite side because that way I’m lying on my good ear and making things a little quieter. But I guess I slept on my arm wrong cuz it hurt when I first got up.

What’s more frustrating is that this mysterious congestion I’ve been having hasn’t stopped with the incense I quit burning. I usually wake up with it, but sometimes I have it in the middle of my day and I have to keep coughing and clearing my throat like when I smoked. Cigarettes, that is. Tom thinks it’s just how my body is. Geez, nice body.

When you spend most of your life on a diet – for reasons I’m still not sure of since I am 44 now, after all – eating a big meal can make you sleepy. I got a meatball grinder, which they call subs out here in the West. Really, if you go into a store and ask for a grinder, they won’t know what the hell you’re talking about, LOL. So after eating 500 calories or more, all I could do was lay in bed.

TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2010 How frustrating it is to post old journals, like I’ve been doing on thoughts.com, only to find some of the longer entries are getting cut off! Yeah, the last one cut off the last few paragraphs. Why’d the hell it let me post it in the first place, and how come it didn’t tell me my post was too large like LiveJournal does??? So I may have to go back and edit the next few entries that I was stupid enough not to check by weeding out some trivial shit. Until the 25th I have one large entry set to launch at around 5pm ET. I may not be able to get to them right away given where my schedule’s at now. Starting on the 25th I will post 3-4 smaller entries that cover just one day. I’m going to probably queue them up to come out at around 1am, 7am, 1pm and 7pm my time.

It’s cold and rainy again, and it’s obviously going to keep doing this every goddamn week throughout the summer, as unusual as it is. It’s still too cold too much of the year here and a part of me regrets not heading further south. It’s one of those climates that isn’t a cold climate, but not quite a warm one either. Tom considers it a warm climate, but to me, lows of 38º in May is not a warm climate.

What’s harder, finding a lesbian who’s not fucked in the head, or finding a guy who wants kids? I wonder these things at times, and I have to say that Marie is so typical of what I’d get before meeting Tom. It’s almost insulting to know I’m still attracting these types, too. She’s right on the outside, but so very wrong on the inside.

Later…

Queued up 4 entries for the 26th, one of which I go off on Andy in big time. Sorry, buddy! I was bitching about the whole world that particular day, actually. The move had been rough on me and left me broke. Then I had to deal with people’s shit on top of it all to compound my frustration. Yes, I’d say I have a much easier life right now, LOL.

I had to laugh when I thought of Stacey. I’d never have guessed back then that she’d one day inspire me to write a story with her as one of the main characters that the whole world could read, and that would actually become quite popular. I’m surprised at all the praise that story’s gotten.

Sometimes I tag the entries in a vague kind of way by using words like “life” or “Arizona,” but other times I’m more specific. Especially with the shorter entries. I’m going to try to be specific more often so that readers can pull up all the “Andy” entries if they wanted to, for example, by clicking on the tags.

MONDAY, MAY 10, 2010 I now have journal entries queued up for posting until the 25th. Starting on the 24th I started posting more entries that were shorter. Until then, though, I’ve got one big entry set to launch each day. I will try to proofread and post 3 entries a day. I’m up to mid-June of 1992 right after moving to Arizona, and what a shitty writer I was back then! I’ve had to restructure a lot of clunky sentences.

Still plan to post the 2007 cruise soon enough too, the “stressful” vacation that turned out to be quite a joyride compared to moving here!

According to these 10 most extraordinary human abilities I read about, we’re all extraordinary here, including the rat, LOL! One ability is absolute pitch which I have. I discovered it in my early 20s. Tom has the built-in calculator in his brain, and the rat seems to have the immortal cells. I swear he’s never going to die! He’s quite old now and has had a tumor for months, yet he shows no signs of checking out anytime soon. Had he been a rat as cool as the last 3 were before moving to Cali, I’m sure he’d be gone by now.

SUNDAY, MAY 9, 2010 Work is slow, the weather’s cold, and running nearly killed me today for some reason, but other than that life is just fine. It’s not cold right now, but it will be late tonight.

Anyway, I don’t know what happened out there today. I hadn’t even gotten through the first song when I had to stop running and get inside. My heart raced like hell, my legs turned to jelly, and I thought I was going to puke. Fortunately, it passed after just a few minutes of laying on the bed with the fan blowing on me. I guess my stomach was too empty.

Marie and I are getting along better now that we’ve limited our contact. I hope it stays this way. Like I said, the more I clash with someone, the more I tend to walk away. And I don’t want to end up having to do that because she is still someone I care about very much.

Marie, my #1 fan for sure, is following my old entries on thoughts.com. I’m amazed she’d want to read something so boring, LOL. I thought she’d figure that because it’s all past stuff, who cares? Sure I had some fun and interesting times to write about back then, but there’s also an awful lot of drama in these old journals, so beware!

Tom said he heard Jesse on the ATV on Saturday and today it was the bulldozer, though he wasn’t close. Yeah, I guess those nervous types always have to be doing something. I pictured him to be the type to sit in front of a TV every chance he got, but I was obviously wrong on that one.

SATURDAY, MAY 8, 2010 Slept better than I did yesterday, though still not great as is usually the case when I’m on nights. I’m so sick of the cold mornings and warm days! I wish it would just stay warm and that we could be in a more stable climate. But it’s too late now. This is where we’ve ended up and anything is better than a climate that gets cold and snowy the way New England and the Pacific Northwest do. Besides, I can’t ever imagine getting up the guts to move long distance again after what happened the last time no matter how much money we had.

Yesterday morning I had to go to sleep with the big comforter over me because it was so damn chilly. But then later on I woke up sweating, with strange dreams, or for no apparent reason at all. I kept falling back asleep, but then I got up for good after just 6 hours of sleep so I was slightly tired.

This time around I went to sleep without the big comforter and woke up cold a few times. The place doesn’t warm up till around noon, at which time I woke up hot and kicked it off. I also woke up just because, as well as after having weird dreams.

Marie wasn’t exactly kind to me in my dreams, LOL! Guess she saw someone write something nasty on a vending machine with her name included in it. She somehow decided it had to be me who wrote it and that she was the one I was talking about. So she came over at night with 2 or 3 friends when I was alone, hell-bent on kicking my ass for it. If they weren’t, they at least wanted to scare the shit out of me and they did a fine job of it, too. I ran and locked the door just as Marie was approaching it. I wondered if I should call the police, but decided to call her on her cell and try to calm her down enough to keep her from busting into the place. She answered and started going off on me, and that’s all I remember.

Despite how angry she can get, harming me is not something I can picture her doing in real life. I think she’d kick the crap out of someone else trying to harm me which would be just fine with me, but I can’t see her raising a hand to me.

I also dreamt I was swimming somewhere in Tonopah, Nevada. There’s also a Tonopah, Arizona which was right near where we used to live. We were in the Maricopa/Stansfield area known as Hidden Valley. Some argue that we were actually in Stansfield and not Maricopa.

I was listening to a song called Machine Gun by Portishead and had to laugh when I thought of my mom. A song like that would absolutely kill her to have to sit and listen to.

I was fine yesterday, but the day before that I had some fierce chest pains. Some were sharp, concentrated cramp-like pains while others were a more spread-out, dull ache.

FRIDAY, MAY 7, 2010 Ever since knowing Tom, some of my dreams include him while in others it’s as if I never knew him. Well, I didn’t know him in last night’s dream. But I knew Marie. I just don’t know what state we were in. We ran into each other as I was walking along some street. She approached me and we started hugging the hell outa each other, happy to finally meet face-to-face in person. We then started walking, hand in hand and not giving a damn who saw us. Sometimes we laughed, other times we were calm and quiet.

In a flash, we were alone in her house. I don’t know if she had roommates or not, but she begged me to be her wife. Although I knew I both loved and lusted her, I was hesitant. Then I said, “Well, okay, but if you ever take your anger out on me physically, I swear I’ll get a gun and shoot you in your sleep.”

She laughed, then she stopped when she saw the serious expression on my face.

“That’s right, Officer. I’m not kidding.”

Then she tells me to go fuck myself and that she never wants to see me again. So I leave and head off wherever and she chases me a minute later saying she was only kidding. I don’t know what happened after that because I woke up.

There isn’t anything else to really update on right now. Been doing the usual. Tom’s been making great money. Like I said, if we could just have a home of our own one day, everything else good that happens after that would be considered a bonus.

THURSDAY, MAY 6, 2010 Today has turned out to be a fun day. I made great money just by doing a couple of quick surveys on the job site, the weather’s gorgeous, we stocked up on groceries, and then we got to enjoy my parents’ package. Unlike in that nasty dream I had, no one stole its contents. The box, however, bore an uncanny resemblance to the one in the dream.

It mostly consisted of clothes for Tom, some of which fit perfectly and some of which are a bit snug. But it is just one more thing to motivate him to continue losing weight. He now has more shorts than he would have bought for himself had he lived another 500 years. Even when we had money, clothes shopping was something we both got in the habit of doing only when we needed to, and he never found it much fun. It’s not that I never found it fun myself, I just never got into things like clothes, furs and jewelry to the degree that most women do. I’m more of a perfume and collectibles kind of person, though I’ve quit the collectibles cuz of the room they take up. But it goes without saying that having these nice clothes means a lot to us and we are extremely grateful!

All the clothes for me were either slightly big or just right, but never too small. I got a couple of skirts and tops and several pairs of jeans. I had just been thinking about how it was too bad that my only long jeans were now way too big on me (a size 16) and on their way to Goodwill. Then in comes nearly half a dozen awesome pairs of jeans! I loved the low-cut skinny jeans I swore I would never get. Yeah, that’s easy to say till you lose weight, isn’t it? The weather’s warming up and I’m showing more skin, so I’m back to making even the 20-year-olds envious with my scary biceps, abs and calves – woo-hoo! Hey, I like looking mean, LOL. I think, though, that no matter how many crunches I do I’m always gonna have a slight lower belly bulge. Guess it’s just a part of aging.

I was glad there was no candy in this package because it would’ve melted before we got the package home. That’s because we went grocery shopping after picking it up.

Lastly, I was thinking that I was glad they hadn’t sent any flags, which is mainly what they sell. There’s no real place here for a flagpole other than sticking off the porch posts. If we had it sticking straight out so we could see it from inside it would block the drive. We’d have to have it angling upward and then we could only see it from outside. Jesse would see it more than we would. Then I was thinking about how much I like wind chimes and windsocks and was remembering a windsock they once sent us back in Freeloaderville. Well, I have half a dozen or so wind chimes, but no wind socks until today! I love the two windsocks they sent, and they were the highlight of this particular package, at least for me. I like the bigger, tropical one best and it’s hanging off a corner of our shed. We used an old mini flagpole of theirs to hang it on. I took a coated hair elastic so it can’t slip back against the wall of the shed. The smaller patriotic one is mixed in with the chimes that hang from the porch rafters.

Whiskey really got excited when he heard me go charging out the door down here all excited about hanging the windsocks. My discussion with Tom started off something like this: I think I want to hang this one… BE QUIET! …over there and that one… BE QUIET! …over there. It would look best… BE QUIET! …on that corner so I can see it from the kitchen… BE QUIET! Dogs are as dumb as they are smart, but definitely nowhere near as smart as rats. Rats can at least figure things out. Like when to shut up, though mine’s not much of a squealer.

They ended up inspiring us to make a smart purchase too, with the $30 or so they sent. One we should’ve made upon moving in here two years ago! At first we discussed spending it at Denny’s or on a new skillet. But then it hit me that I would now have to hang clothes since we’ve now got so many of them, where I used to hang-dry them depending on the weather. I saved a third of the closet rack for that, but now it’s filled up. Well, we don’t have a dryer and we can’t hang them out in the cold, wet winter, yet our drying rack is rather small. So we looked online at these indoor/outdoor retractable clotheslines which I’ve seen in hotels where you pull the line out across the tub when you want to hang clothes. So that’s what we’ll be getting, and in the winter we’ll run the dehumidifier when they’re hanging. Better yet, I wish we had a real house with a laundry area! I miss living in a normal house with full-size appliances that are always hooked up, and with enough counter space and outlets! sighs Maybe someday.

I didn’t read it, but I saw a great headline for once that said, Exit polls: Conservatives fall short of the majority.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 5, 2010 Someone asked me what are the 3 things I’m best at these days and how well I do them.

Singing, writing, and languages are what I’m best at and I’m usually about an 8 on a scale of 1-10. Of course, trying to sing on just a few hours of sleep will pull me down to a 7 or so.

As far as Arizona laws favoring minorities; that’s why most of the inmates in jail were white, yet the nationwide statistics I’ve read say minorities make up for 80% of the crime and inmates. Well, they may make up for most of the crime in Arizona, but not the inmates! Take a white man and a black man and convict them of the same charges, and the white man will almost certainly go down harder than the black man. And if a white person is defending themselves against a white attacker, they call it what it is – self-defense. If a white person defends themselves against a black attacker, however, it’s automatically called a hate crime. So God, if you’re ever going to be mean enough to let someone attack me, please, please let them be as white as I am!!! I know you’ll still protect them from punishment, but this way I won’t be charged and labeled with all kinds of things I am not and made to suffer any more than they themselves made me suffer.

Marie’s feedback response put a smile on my face. I was grinning by the time I got to what she would do to those who’ve burned me if she could. Oh, I know she would take care of them, alright, LOL!

In a sense, I’m helping her keep writing regularly since that’s mostly how we’re communicating right now – by responding to entries. And I know she still loves to hear from me, LOL!

No, I’m definitely no people person like she is, as she pointed out, and yes, she makes a great clown. She has a great sense of humor when she’s not ready to kill.

It was sweet of her to let me know she’d be by my side if I was alone, and I believe it. And that we’d have a couple of kids by now had we been together, though I never wanted more than one, LOL. Don’t get me wrong – Tom would have stuck around and been a great dad had I gotten pregnant. It’s not like he never ever came, and remember, I did have an early-on miscarriage once. What had me so depressed wasn’t that I didn’t have kids in the end. I’m glad we didn’t. We can barely take care of ourselves, so I’m sure one can imagine how much tougher it would’ve been with kids. I wanted to go on living and to be able to do some of the things I’ve done. So the fact that I’m childless today isn’t the issue. The issue is that before Tom came and before I had the miscarriage and some initial testing (where they insert dye into the fallopian tubes) that said I was ok, I was A, convinced I was sterile, and B, unable to coax Tom into seeing a doctor. I believe that A, he was just too shy and embarrassed to deal with it, and B, he didn’t want a kid as bad as I once did to make it worth conquering his shyness. I think some people are just too nice to say “no” and that “no” is hard for some people to say to the one they love, though he did try in his own way just in some of the hints he dropped. The signs were always there saying he wasn’t as into the idea as I was, but I was too blind to see them. Or maybe I did see them and just didn’t want to accept them. But in the end, I loved my husband a lot more than I wanted a kid.

As I also told her, quitting medication is like quitting smoking, drinking or losing weight. Tom read an article on a study that says 21 is the magic number. In other words, if you can get through the first 21 days of any major change, you should have it made. It took me more like 120 days with the smoking, but I did it. And if I can do it, she can do it, but only she can know when she’s ready. No one can make her do anything she doesn’t want to (unless she’s in jails or funny farms), but yes, it will be hard at first if she quit the meds. I was a basket case at first, too.

Marie was right in saying that anger and rage are soul destroyers. I know the feeling! A lot of people see me as mature, confident, stable and jovial, but don’t be fooled. While I may still be all of these good things, I also seethe with rage at times when I think of those who have abused and victimized me in various ways. Sometimes I wish to hell they would magically appear before my eyes so I could do things to them best left to the imagination. I’m not kidding when I say I just might lose it on someone if history repeats itself with the freeloaders in Arizona. I’m much more fragile and explosive than some may think. God sure as hell ain’t gonna take care of any potential perps out there, so it would have to be up to me.

So I told her it’s okay to be angry at those who’ve hurt her. But it’s NOT okay to take it out on innocent people. That’d be like me chewing out someone minding their business in a store or someplace like that simply because Joely of Arizona had me jailed for being a white, Jewish complainer of her noise and vandalism. And it’s ok to tell me – in a civilized manner – if something I write upsets her.

As for Tom’s libido and my own (which she says she hopes he gets back), it’s a common case of long-term partners. Most people would never admit it, but this happens to everyone. My 78 and 79-year-old folks love the hell outa each other. They’d die for each other. But do you really think they’re getting it on? I’m sure they can’t even remember what it’s like to get it on! So while Tom and I are emotionally attracted to each other, there’s no way we’d ever be sexually attracted to each other again, because it’s like playing the same song over and over. Eventually, it loses its newness and excitement. Tom has always had a bit of a low appetite anyway. So even if we were both suddenly horny as hell, I can’t imagine us wanting to have sex with each other simply because we’re not attracted to each other in that way after all this time.

Yesterday I hit writer’s block on chapter 12. I am now more than a third of the way through the story, but not quite halfway through it yet.

Later…

The Klammers are back to being their usual colder-than-New-England selves by getting down to 24º tonight, LOL.

I forgot to write about the rather unpleasant dream I had last night. Tom and I were not only living in an apartment complex of some kind, but it was in a scummy, dangerous area. When I went to get our mail in this lobby-like entryway, which consisted of two regular envelopes and a package from my parents, everything was empty. The neighborhood junkies had removed the contents entirely from both the envelopes and the package.

The good news is that Tom’s been making incredibly good money at the job site lately on a particular job for which I don’t qualify since I didn’t do as many of the initial jobs as he did due to not always being on days. Hey, I always did say God gave me this sleep schedule disorder to hold me back in life! rolls eyes sarcastically The good news is that it provides a hell of an extra cushion for us. The bad is that it’s not quite enough to live on in case they stop the checks before the jobs return, and there are no guarantees they’ll be there indefinitely to begin with. And the more workers they get (and they’re bound to get more with time), the fewer jobs there’ll be for him. Guess we gotta just enjoy it while it lasts, cuz all good things do come to an end.

Later…

HITs are what they refer to jobs as on the site I work at. Well, being the occasional airhead that I am I went and botched up a dollar HIT. It’s a good thing it was only a buck and that I made enough on other HITs. I was supposed to recommend a news article and who would be interested in it. I randomly grabbed an article on terrorism, copied in the URL, then was supposed to recommend it to the general public. Instead, I recommended it to those who are interested in R&B music. Argh! So it got rejected. Yeah, I know, hahahaha, it’s pretty funny. :)

TUESDAY, MAY 4, 2010 Marie stated in her own entry how hard it’s been having people shun, label and judge her all her life for having problems no one wants to deal with. Not her kind of problems anyway. I’ll be the first to agree that people are often quick to empathize with those who are suffering from physical illnesses, but when it comes to mental illnesses they are just as quick to run like hell.

I too, have been shunned, judged and labeled, though I will admit that most of it stopped in my 20s, and that I don’t care as much as most people do as far as what others think. If I did I wouldn’t put 95% of my life online.

In the 80s they didn’t know nearly as much as they do today when it comes to various disorders. I was misdiagnosed several times with various types of chemical imbalances – bipolar, manic-depressant – and I think I was a number of other things too, at one time or another until they finally got it right – ADHD. Despite being hyper and sometimes having a hard time concentrating and sleeping, most of my behavioral problems in the past were definitely a byproduct of my upbringing. There’s no doubt about it and simply no denying it. But back in the 80s, many people found it easier to blame things on chemical imbalances than on traumatic experiences simply because it was easier. It’s easier to take pills too, than it is to face and address the root of the problem. I know. I’ve been there before - Navane, Lithium, Xanax and a million other drugs whose names I can’t remember. I almost started on Tegretol till both my father and I finally put our foot down as far as turning me into a walking pharmacy went. This was some time in the mid-80s, but I didn’t kick my pill dependency altogether till 1990.

I’m not saying no one should see shrinks, therapists or take pills. I’m just saying that I totally believe that labels and pills are widely overused and misunderstood. Our chemicals can become unbalanced simply from not eating right. There are a number of things that can throw us off balance very easily from childbirth to illnesses, injuries to emotional trauma. We all walk a fine line between balanced and unbalanced and I’m not sure a lot of people realize this. But if we all start popping pills every time the shit hits the fan in our lives, what good will this do us other than cause us side effects and possible addictions? So I think this should be a last resort left for the extreme cases only.

I totally understand what it’s like to have feelings of inadequacy and like you’re being singled out and picked on by some unseen force for no damn reason at all. For everything I can do that most people can’t, there is something I can’t do that most people can. I can sing better than 80% of the population yet I can’t even sleep with my own husband because I’m such a light sleeper that his loud snoring and movements wake me up. I can dance better than most people yet I have a driving phobia. I could learn just about any language I want yet I can’t keep a schedule. I could learn just about any musical instrument I wanted yet can’t even do simple math. I can act just as well as the best actors and actresses out there yet the slightest noise has driven me absolutely crazy since being in the projects I was in before leaving New England in 1992.

So I know what it’s like to be gifted, blessed, loved, lucky, fortunate, smart, unique, special and extraordinary as much as I know what it’s like to be punished, hated, cursed, abnormal, freakish, helpless, hopeless, unlucky and unfortunate.

I was saying to Tom the other day, so what if I can sing? So fucking what if I can write well and learn languages? It won’t buy us a house or give us the security we want. Then he pointed out that it isn’t where we end up in life, it’s the path we take to get there. All that matters is that I enjoy the things I do along that path, and I do enjoy them except for the economic concerns.

I believe Marie when she says she would be by my side if I were suddenly alone and that she is determined not to push me away, and I appreciate that. As I told her, I’m sorry my words sting at times, but I do think we’re better off at a distance so we don’t jump down each other’s throats as much. This way I’m still a part of her life and she’s still a part of mine.

There’s this transcription company at the job site that’s been paying really well and has had jobs consistently enough. At the rate we’re going we could soon be up to about 2K a month and that’s what most people make. We’re close right now as it is.

Tom learned that I will get half of whatever he gets when he retires when I’m 66. This is nice to know (if we’re still alive then), but that’s 22 years from now! Damn, am I really that young still?

Last night I had a strange dream about Charlotte, a longtime family friend whom I’ve always adored, but haven’t seen in about 20 years. It was kind of creepy too, and I couldn’t go back to sleep for a while afterward. I’ll have to ask my folks if she’s ok. I think she’s a little older than them, so she can’t have much longer to go. I’ll see if I can find out her DOB. Yup, looks like she’s 81 now.

Anyway, I was at what appeared to be a Chanukah gathering. Present were my parents, the drama queen, and Charlotte. Of course the DQ and I were threatening to kill each other every chance we got. We exchanged gifts, and then at one point, I sat down next to Charlotte who was sitting sort of out of the way. She was suddenly all happy to see me and was hugging me fiercely. She asked how I was doing and I said I was fine. Then she said she was sorry she never got to see me again, and I said, “Never got to see me again? What do you mean, Char? You’re seeing me right now.” But then I realized that she didn’t quite look right, not to mention the fact that she was ice cold as well.

Writing is really therapeutic, alright, and I thank God for it. I’m not going to say what it was, but I learned something a few days ago about someone Tom and I used to know. In fact, they’re related to us. It made me so sad that I was kind of down and out for a while there, but decided not to bother telling anyone about what I learned. I just didn’t see the point in it. Instead, I wrote about everything it made me feel and that seemed to help a lot, only I didn’t put it online. I’m still bummed out, but not as much as I was when I first found out about it. I wasn’t sure whether to scream or cry at first.

MONDAY, MAY 3, 2010 Yay, I can walk around the bed for the first time in two years! Tom and I discussed rearranging the bedroom, but it is just too small to really have much in the way of options. You know Tom and Jodi S. work much too hard to be deserving of any more than a 500-square-foot dump anyway. And so we simply pulled it away from the wall a few inches so I could make the bed up easier. We had to disconnect the platform from the shelves first, but it was simple enough.

Sure enough, Jesse didn’t return yesterday. It was also dead quiet up there. I never heard one single bark. So he either never went out or was out with the dogs. I just don’t get why after all this time Whiskey doesn’t get that barking his ass off isn’t going to bring Jesse back any sooner. I mean, I know dogs aren’t as smart as rats, but still, I thought they could figure at least some things out.

At 6:30 this morning, however, the barking let me know he went to work. So that leaves Tom as my only possible distraction for the day before and after we’ve run the errands we’ll be out running. We probably won’t leave till noon.

I’ve been working on my story like crazy. I can’t believe just how much writing I’ve been doing! But I am determined to create my first full-length novel if it takes me the rest of the year. I don’t think it will, though, at the rate I’m going. Plus I also now have the rest of the plot pretty much mapped out.

Marie started a diary of her own again and I don’t think I should mention the link because she doesn’t seem to want anyone she knows (other than me) to know about it. I got a kick out of its title, but if I mentioned it, that would give it away.

Meanwhile, I still have a very strong feeling I’m going to regret accepting those connection invites from her or even responding to her first entry. She didn’t pester me yesterday other than to send a quick thanks for accepting the invites, and I appreciate that because I think that if we are going to remain friends we’ll have a better chance of it at a distance. I think the more we communicate, the more we’ll fight. As it is, I think she’s going to end up giving me all the motivation I need to be driven away for good. I hate to say it as I don’t mean to be mean or anything, and I’m not implying that I myself am perfect. I know I wrote some mean things about her, even though I was simply stating my opinion and didn’t mean to come off as cruel or negative in any way, and I apologized to her for it, too. I’m just saying that I’m simply not equipped to deal with paranoia, manic-depressants, bipolars, or whatever other labels these things are categorized under. Again, I hate to sound selfish, uncaring and insensitive or like I don’t still love her. I just need stability in my life. I can’t help her in any way, and as she herself says, it only worsens with age. I don’t think she realizes, though, that each time she suddenly bites my head off and falsely accuses me of whatever, she’s only pushing me further away. And eventually, I’m not going to come back.

It’s ok to disagree with someone or to suspect they might have done/said something you don’t like. But just like Lisa, she handled the situation quite poorly. All she had to do was bring it up in a polite and civilized way and I would have gladly discussed it with her as normal adults.

Perhaps I need to start researching various kinds of mental illnesses like Marie and Lisa’s and several others I have known so I can better understand them. Then again, even if I did understand them, what’s the point if they can’t be helped? If there’s no hope for the experts to ever stabilize them, how the hell can I ever be of any help?

They say that if society continues to oust the mentally ill, it only hurts them more and makes them feel all the more like freaks that no one cares about, so the thought of walking away has made me feel guilty. At the same time, I know I’m not responsible for her. I’m not legally obligated to her in any way and I have a right to let go of people who upset me or bring me down in any way. Besides, they make it hard for people not to want to abandon them when they keep swinging back and forth between being sweet and kind and accusing us of plotting against them faster than we can keep up with. It’s back and forth and back and forth, and like I said, each time it happens, the farther away I’ll go and the less likely I will be to give her another chance. How many “chances” can I give her any way to take me at face value and not jump down my throat for something I wrote in the heat of the moment weeks ago?

But “the most beautiful person” she has ever known? The most beautiful?! Wow, that’s quite a compliment if that really is the case! And paranoid or not, she’ll always be my #1 fan.

Last night, as I was laying in bed waiting for sleep, I almost wanted to cry. But the tears simply would not come. I feel so robbed, cheated, picked on, singled out, punished, deprived, abnormal and screwed over by God above! As if being born to the kind of mother I was born to wasn’t bad enough, did He really have to go and throw in all the other stuff as well?

He gave me a husband that I love dearly, but don’t lust for in the way I have with some women, and who was “happy” not to get off in bed. And while my husband was “happy” I wept over the child and career I could never have, and the fact that I was also unable to sleep with this “happy” husband or get in a car and drive to a job because I couldn’t keep a fucking schedule! Furthermore, neither of us has even wanted what would only be one-sided, half-assed sex with each other, we lost one home and two pieces of land, and people have shit on me like crazy and gotten away with it. In the end, I’m almost just as broke as I was 20 years ago and living in someone else’s trashy trailer because I couldn’t keep my home, and the only one I could keep was the one I didn’t want to keep.

SUNDAY, MAY 2, 2010 Nickolena’s baby really had me down yesterday. I don’t know why hers in particular would have me so down since teenage moms are everywhere these days. I guess it’s just a reminder that I never had much in the way of choices in life compared to most people. Had I gotten pregnant at 14 and wanted to keep the kid, my parents wouldn’t have dared support me like Paul supported his daughter and like David and Evie supported theirs. And then I wasn’t even allowed to have one when I wanted one as an adult!

Nor was I allowed to have any career or woman I ever wanted, and I know I never could in the future either. If I suddenly wanted to become a published author in the way I once wanted to be a singer, it would automatically be out of the question simply because it was me who wanted it.

Jesse will be down at 9:30 to finish what he was doing yesterday, or so he said. He’s not usually very punctual, but I hope he gets things finished up at least with this project because my schedule is perfect for it. I won’t get much work done with all the distractions, but it’s better than losing sleep over it.

Jesse came down yesterday, not to the door, but to bulldoze the drive in back. I’m glad I was up since he didn’t have the decency to call, of course, and see if we were up, though he might’ve seen me out running earlier and hanging clothes.

First he bulldozed the weeds while I played with Whiskey to keep it fire-safe from the hot dry summer that we just might get after all, and then he dragged the few remaining logs up to his place. After he gets more diesel, he’ll be back today to finish weeding the areas our electric weeder can’t reach.

Then I guess that leaves the straightening of the fake grass strips and the driveway he wants to create in back leading down to the well, plus whatever other projects he can dream up to annoy me with.

So to finish up before both Tom and Jesse distract me, along with the barking when Jesse takes off later on, I was thinking of Marie a lot yesterday and how I hoped she wouldn’t feel guilty or blame herself for anything. She was just being who she is, and hey, it’s not her fault she has problems. We all have problems. These days my problems may be minimal compared to what they were years ago, but I’m not perfect and neither is my life. So it’s not like I think I’m better than her or too good for her. I just don’t want all to run smoothly for a week or two just to end up getting screamed at because I’m not perfect. And I hate not being taken at face value. If I had some other reason other than busyness for not wanting to do email so often, I’d tell her.

A part of me wishes she had told me never to contact her again and that she forever hated my guts if only because that would have been easier and wouldn’t have left me struggling with whether or not I should at least say hi every once in a while. But I know I could contact her if I wanted to and so I’m just going to have to remind myself that we’d only end up fighting all over again if I did.

But then this morning I woke up to Yahoo connection invites from two of her accounts. Against my better judgment, and realizing I may regret it, I accepted. But I can tell you right now that if there’s any more shit I’ll be gone for even longer next time, and maybe go a step further by blocking her emails altogether. I’m not going to give her any laughs at my expense by sticking around to fight with her, and I’m not going to answer any email today either. I’ve got too much to do on top of whatever annoyances await me here today, and tomorrow I will be out shopping and running errands. I don’t want to be bothered. It’s too soon after the last spat anyway. She knows she can read this journal if she wants to know what’s going on with me, and she did say she always wanted to know whether I spoke to her or not and that she would read it.

Meanwhile, I’m very flattered that she cares about me as much as she does.

SATURDAY, MAY 1, 2010 Just thought I’d jot down some thoughts, questions and feelings before Jesse gets noisy or allows the dogs to go crazy on us when he leaves. Or both. And before Tom gets up and is a potential distraction as well.

Since it’s been a long time since they’ve been mentioned, Tom’s older brother David, who owned the house we bought from him in Phoenix, married a woman named Evie. When she was 40 they had a daughter named Nickolena. A few years later a son named Parker followed. Out of curiosity, I looked them up on Facebook and MySpace. The only one I found, which was on MySpace, was Nickolena, now 16. In the picture with her was what appeared to be a little girl, just as redheaded as herself, of around 2 years of age. Well, Evie’s too old now to have a 2-year-old, it was too young to be Parker and I’m pretty sure it was a girl. So unless it’s Evie’s niece, which I highly doubt, that leaves only one other logical explanation for the kid and that’s that it’s Nickolena’s.

This discovery invoked a slew of questions and feelings within me, not surprisingly. And I’m not going to put this online for any possible family members to read and get a kick out of. I would be totally embarrassed to have them read what I’m about to write, and for one who normally doesn’t give a shit what others think, this ought to tell you something right there.

The first question was: Why, God? Why? As much as things worked out for the better and as miserable as I’d have been with kids of my own, why would God allow what had to have been a 14 or 15-year-old at the time to have a child while He ignored my own pleas for a child many years ago? And the pleas of many other women of reasonable age?

And why would David and Evie even think of allowing her to keep the child and throw her life away before it even has a chance to begin? She’s still a kid herself! Times have really changed because the parents of these teenage moms just don’t regard them with the shame, embarrassment and disgust they did way back when. David and Evie, however, would be the type to let her keep it if she wanted to. They’re that so-called loving, supportive family I never had.

Sometimes I wish I was young again, wanting a kid as much as I used to, and either with a guy who was willing to perform normally that wanted a kid just as much, or with a woman who was willing to have me artificially inseminated. And with plumbing that worked and that I was at least “allowed” to use.

At the same time, I wouldn’t change a thing or trade Tom for the world.

And sometimes I wish Tom and I could get our old libidos back, even if his didn’t quite match mine, but the only person that has seemed to want me in years is a very obsessive and unbalanced woman on the other side of the country.

I also wish I never had to suffer the frustration and depression that went with wanting so many so-called normal things I could never have. Why did God have to bother letting me want a kid in the first place for the years I wanted one if He knew I wasn’t going to have one? I can see once wanting to be a singer and that being impossible but true lust and a baby??? And the ability to keep a goddamn schedule??? That’s a little extreme, don’t you think? This is part of why I have had so much anger toward Him and much sadness as well. It really has a way of making one feel picked on to have been denied the kinds of things I’ve been denied by Him and to have had the kinds of shitty experiences I’ve had. Sure, things could’ve been worse. I could’ve been born to some poor couple in a third-world country that didn’t have brains enough to prevent my existence, thus making me suffer by starving to death. But I think I’ve been dealt a rough enough hand in life in many ways. Why compare and try to make light of what’s bad enough at times? Why bother with the I’m-not-alones or the things-could’ve-been-worse routine when that can never change the facts?

For my own good or not, God still took my dream career. He still denied me any serious lust, the kind I believe most people get to experience at least once in their lives. He still denied me the right to choose whether or not I had a kid. He still took our home. He still let people victimize me and get away with it, too. Tom has been my compensation and while he’s a wonderful compensation, I think I deserve a little more. I don’t want to go back and be a singer. I don’t want to go back and be a mom. But I want any past or future perps to be made to pay for victimizing me, and I want to stop having to worry about money! I want a home, too! If I’m wrong or selfish in any way for wanting these things, then fine, I’ll gladly be wrong and selfish. But God had better start making more of my days a hell of a lot sunnier for once!!!

Sometimes I think of the 3 main characters in the book I’m currently writing, all completely fictitious but very real to me, and I wish I could have had similar experiences with similar people, minus the murder and mayhem, of course. Even though everyone’s looks fade with time, oh to have been with someone I perceived as attractive as I once perceived Kate Jackson and the characters in my books. Oh, to have had the freedom of choice while I could keep a schedule. Oh, to have been able to make money from some of the things I love to do and not just have them all always be nothing but hobbies. Like I said, I can see living with the driving phobia and some of the problems and things I didn’t get to do or have in life. No one gets it all, even if some people sure seem to at times. But enough is enough already! I want to be God’s little princess for once, and I want to break free of these chains and be in the driver’s seat of my life! A good place to start would be with Tom getting a job so we could eventually get a home of our own.

Yeah, God, how about that? Think my husband is worthy of a job? Could we have that much in life? Or are we just such shit in your eyes that we don’t even deserve that much? Would you let the phone ring with a job interview for Tom if I got down on my knees right now and begged, pleaded and cried for you to let this happen? Or would you just go on ignoring me?

Another thing I won’t put online (because I told her I wouldn’t read them) is that Marie sent a message from the journal site yesterday saying she’s sorry.

Yeah, and if I emailed her right now, all would be fine for a week or two, then she’d go off on me for some stupid reason.

Today it was that her phone and email were always open to me.

That’s really sweet of her, but to forgive is to fight all over again and I’m just not interested.

I have thought about Marie a lot and I feel both bad and right for not communicating with her. I hate to make her feel like I don’t care about her problems or that I don’t give a damn what happens to her because that’s totally not the case. I care very much. I just don’t want to go back to arguing. Like I said, to forgive is to end up fighting all over again and I’m just not in the mood. I think we’re both best off moving on. I’ll always cherish her pictures and the memories of the good talks we had, but I hope someone will sweep her off her feet and that she’ll forget all about me and be like, “Jodi who?” if someone mentioned my name later on down the road. I couldn’t fix whatever was wrong with her, and apparently I couldn’t do anything right for more than a week or two either. And I don’t want to upset her any more than I want her to upset me. I will be forever flattered that she cared for me as much as she did and that she liked my writing and was just about my most loyal fan ever, but I don’t want to argue anymore about who said what and whose intentions are what, etc. I will miss her, but not the bickering.

Later…

The journal site is down now so I can’t post what I’m willing to share from my last entry just yet. Went back and studied Nickolena’s picture again. Her profile is private, so all I can see is her picture and status. Her username is surrounded by musical notes and she speaks of shows at some club or lounge. “Today was so much fun I wish I could do it all again. Tomorrow should be the best show yet, so come see it,” she says, giving me the impression she’s some kind of singer. I figured that despite the fact that David and Evie make what’s probably great money, she would be forced to drop out of school and get a job, but to think that at just 16 she’s living out two of my former dreams that I was never allowed to live out really makes me feel all the more singled out, picked on and hated by God above. OMG, I almost want to scream! Or do I want to just burst into tears? OMG, I almost wish these social sites had never been created! If they hadn’t I wouldn’t have been contacted by Tammy, I wouldn’t have had my head and emotions jerked around by Marie, and now I wouldn’t have to be so reminded of how any dream of mine is for someone else to realize and someone else only. Not me!

Meanwhile, I’m happy for you, my dear little niece who’s perhaps a smidgen of a spoiled little princess as well. Your aunt and uncle, 44 and 52, live in someone else’s dumpy old trailer unable to have the things they want in life. They’re not having much fun right now either, and they certainly lost their desire for sex a long time ago. But you’re still young. You can have all the things they once wanted and might want in the future as well.

Later…

Went out for a run that was too short, but long enough to keep my muscles strong and my joints from being a problem.

El cocko’s home cuz the dogs just went galloping through here. I suppose next comes the engine gunning.

[kylekozmikdeluxo]

Welp, there goes another Halloween/spoopy season. October is my favorite time of the year, but it's starting to feel like a Charlie Brown football as life has gotten very *very* hard for me over the past couple of years: COVID, moving out, watching people I've known and loved my whole life being marched down a right-wing maga anti-lgbtqia rabbit hole, and still trying to settle into my new life. It's still lonely at the moment, with very little opportunities. New no job, no friends outside of the internet made, etc.... But I have to keep pressing ahead, no matter how grim the country looks to be in a year and no matter what's going on close to home...

I mean, November 1st - today - is Samhain. The Gaelic festival that ends the harvest season. And really, that's all it is... Why does widespread love of spoopy stuff end after October 31st? When there's a whole month ahead of us that's, weather-wise, as beautiful as October and full of autumnal stuff?

Capitalism.

What ever Halloween's origins may be, I feel it's largely been commodified much like Christmas... And hell, most holidays, let's be real here. In that it's just this capitalist rush-rush-rush of stuff to buy, things to do. Like, Christmas stuff was on the store shelves at the beginning of October this year. Whenever I went into, say, a Walmart or a Kohl's... Christmas stuff... Everywhere. In early October. This is a personal attack.

I know that not everyone celebrates Thanksgiving, but we have a whole-ass month ahead of us. Like, can we CHILL with the Christmas stuff already? If you want to celebrate it this early, go right ahead! That's awesome that you can happily be in the spirit this early. I technically start feeling ghoulish around the end of August, maybe mid-September... But I feel like the mass-market just pushes it aggressively on us. I want to enjoy November for its beautiful weather and colors and aesthetics, you know? What if I still want my Halloween decorations up? What if I still want to watch horror movies?

Technically, I can. Plus, there have been horror movies that were released in November. A couple recent examples I can think of are OVERLORD and FREAKY. I saw the former in theaters during a snowstorm, lol. We have a horror movie literally called THANKSGIVING opening in a few weeks. Hell, one of the all-time Halloween classics, OVER THE GARDEN WALL, began airing in early November the year it was released. Maybe there is no date. Time is just a construct, and the lot of us weirdo hearts out there who love the creepy stuff just keep going. Even well after Halloween.

But there's a sense of loneliness to it, I feel. After the world packs up, and trades jack-o-lanterns for sleigh bells, that initial high of everyone being in on that stuff during what I feel is - weather-wise - the most beautiful time of year... It feels kinda desolate afterwards. Like a desert, almost. Like, after Halloween, wouldn't it be cool if wherever you lived did more freaky-themed events, fun stuff, and other things? Just in case you might've missed the boat (like I did this year, I was busy last week) or had a crappy Halloween day (like I did)? Like, November is the perfect month to keep that going.

Even when you start feeling merry and holly jolly, there's still a rushed-ness to everything. Maybe it's because I'm in my 30s now, but everything feels so fast... It's kinda scary sometimes. I understand working and having a job, and keeping up with my creative endeavors. I know I have some situations I have to figure out, and anxiety demons to overpower, but part of me also wishes that things weren't so hectic. Ya know? All the holidays, really. All the times of year, just rushing rushing by...

[systemtek]

UK Government Security Minister speech on fraud and AI

This is a transcript of the speech, exactly as it was delivered on 31st October 2023 by The Rt Hon Tom Tugendhat MBE VR MP It’s an enormous pleasure to be with you and I’m very grateful to be back at RUSI. I gave my first foreign policy speech when I took over the Chairmanship of the Foreign Affairs Committee here. I know RUSI’s vision has always been to inform, influence and enhance public debate to help build a safer and more stable world. The mission has endured for 200 or so years now. The mission has not changed but the medium has. Today the range of challenges we face has never been greater. So it’s right that here, at the home of strategic thinking, we’re gathering to build on the foundations of those who shaped our security in the generations before us to make sure that endures for the generations to come. So a profound thanks to our hosts, and also to you all, for being here on the eve of the first major global summit on AI security. As with the summit itself, we have representatives here from government, from industry, from civil society, academia, and law enforcement. Whatever your profession, whatever sector you represent, you are here because we need you. Because we need each other. Like so many areas of my responsibility, the government cannot do this alone. Our role in government is to understand the threats that we face and target resources, helping others to come together and meet our challenges in the most effective way possible. You can tell a lot about a government from the operating system they build for society. Some countries build a system that are designed to control. Other build a system designed to exploit. Here in the UK we build systems that are designed to liberate. To free individual aspiration and creativity for the benefit of all. And that’s what security means to me. It’s not a means of closing things down. It’s about creating the conditions required to open up a society. A safe environment in which ideas can take root, and opportunity is available to all. That’s why we need to get this right. Because technology as transformative as AI will touch every part of our society. If we succeed, hardworking families up and down the country will reap the benefits. If we don’t we will all pay the price. The stakes are very high, but coming together today, in this way today sends the right message. There are two core themes for the programme today. They come from different eras. The first is fraud, which in its various guises, is as old as crime itself. When Jacob stole Esau’s inheritance by passing himself off as his brother, that was perhaps the first description of fraud in the Bible. The first record of fraud actually is possibly older, it dates from a fraud case related to copper ingots and is recorded 4000 years in Babylon. The last time I spoke about Babylon in RUSI I was in uniform describing how I was one of many armies to have camped under its walls. The challenges posed by Artificial Intelligence are comparatively new. Its democratisation will bring about astonishing opportunities for us all. Sadly that includes criminals. We know that bad actors are quick to adopt new technologies. Unchecked, AI has the power to bring about a new age of crime. Already we’re seeing large language models being marketed for nefarious purposes. One chatbot being sold on the darkweb - FraudGPT - claims to be able to draft realistic phishing emails: mimicking the format used by your bank, and even suggesting the best place to insert malicious links. That doesn’t just have implications for the realism of scams. It has huge implications for their scale as well. I don’t want to be in a situation where individuals can leverage similar technologies to pull off sophisticated scams at the scale of organised criminal gangs. We don’t want to find the Artful Dodger has coded up into Al Capone. At a fundamental level, fraudsters try to erase the boundary between what’s real and what’s fake. Until relatively recently, that was a theoretical risk. It wasn’t so long ago that I believed I was immune to being fooled online. That is, until I saw a viral picture of the Pope in a coat. Not just any coat. A fashionable puffer jacket that wouldn’t look out of place on the runway in Paris. One that my wife assured me was ‘on trend’. I quickly forgot about it. That is, until I learned that that image wasn’t actually of the Pope at all. It was created on Midjourney. Using AI. On the one hand it was a harmless gag, Pope Francis had never looked better. On the other hand, it left me deeply uneasy. If someone so instantly recognisable as the Holy Father could be wholly faked, what about the rest of us? The recent Slovakian elections showed us how this could work in practice. Deepfake audio was released in the run up to polling day. It purported to show a prominent politician discussing how to rig the vote. The clip was heard by hundreds of thousands of individuals. Who knows how many votes it changed - or how many were convinced not to vote at all. This is of course an example of a very specific type of fraud. But all fraudsters blur the boundary between fact and fiction. They warp the nature of reality. It does not take a massive leap of imagination to see the implications of that in the fraud space.   Thankfully, relatively few AI-powered scams have come to light so far. However, the ones that have highlight the potential of AI to be used by criminals to defraud people of their hard-earned cash. The risks to citizens, businesses and our collective security are clear. A few lines of code can act like Miracle Gro on crime, and the global cost of fraud is already estimated to be in the trillions.   In the United Kingdom, fraud accounts for around 40% of all estimated crime. There’s an overlap with organised crime, terrorism and hostile activity from foreign states. It is in a very real sense a threat to our national security. But while there is undoubtedly a need to be proactive and vigilant, we need not despair. And the wealth of talent, insight and expertise I see in front of me here gives me hope. For the Government’s part, we are stepping up our counter-fraud efforts through the comprehensive strategy we published this summer and the work of Anthony Browne, my friend, who is the Anti-Fraud Champion. Fraud is a growing, transnational threat, and has become a key component of organised criminality and harm in our communities. So international co-operation is essential. That’s why the UK will host a summit in London next March to agree a co-ordinated action plan to reform the global system and respond to this growing threat. We expect Ministers, law enforcement and intelligence agencies to attend from around the world. The Online Safety Act which has completed its passage through Parliament and will require social media and search engine companies to take robust, proactive action to ensure users are not exposed to user-generated fraud or fraudulent advertising on their platforms. And we are working on an Online Fraud Charter with industry that includes innovative ways for the public and private sector to work together to protect the public, reduce fraud and support victims.   This will build on the charters that are already agreed with the accountancy, banking, and telecommunications sectors to combat fraud, which have already contributed to a significant reduction in scam texts and a 13% fall in reported fraud in the last year. New technologies don’t just bring about risk. They create huge opportunities too. AI is no different. We know that the possibilities are vast, endless even. What’s more it’s essential. As the world grows more complex, only advanced intelligence systems can meet the task before us. We need the AI revolution to deliver services and supply chains in an ever more globalised world. I’m particularly interested in the question of how we can harness this new power in the public safety arena. As we will hear shortly, AI is already driving complex approaches to manage risk, protect from harm and fight criminality. There is a real-world benefit in combating fraud and scams, such as payment processing software that is stopping millions of scam texts from reaching potential victims. No doubt I’ve barely scratched the surface, and there’s lots more excellent work going on. What we absolutely have to do is break down any barriers that might exist between the different groups represented here this evening. The only people who benefit from a misaligned, inconsistent approach are criminals, so it’s critical that we work hand in glove, across sectors and borders. I want to come back to the point I started on. For me AI and the security it enables is an essential part of the State’s responsibility to keep us all safe. It’s not to increase our control. Not to keep people in a box. But to set people free. We cannot eliminate risk, but we can understand it. Using AI to map and measure today’s environment will ensure we do that. The pursuit of progress is essential to human experience. And the reality is that even if we wanted to, we cannot put the genie back in the bottle. That does not mean, though, that we simply sit back and what and see what happens. We can’t be passive in the face of this threat.   So what I want us to be thinking about is how we move forward.    Well, the way I see it there are three key questions that align to the aims of the AI Safety Summit: - The first, how do we build safe AI models that are resilient to criminal intent? - Second, as the vast majority of fraud starts online, how do we harness AI to ensure that harmful content is quickly identified and removed? - And lastly, what do governments need to be doing globally to balance progress and growth with safety and security? That’s far from an exhaustive list. But I think by addressing these core questions we can put ourselves on the right path. So, thank you once again for being here; thank you RUSI for hosting us, I hope you will find it a valuable exercise. And most of all I hope we can look back and say that today was a day when we took important steps forward in our shared mission to reduce the risks and seize the opportunities associated with AI. I remain hugely optimistic, but that optimism depends on the work we do today together. Read the full article

[comyet]

The Prism Collection is back at the end of October for its last sale! 🎨

Thank you so much to everyone who purchased something from the pre-orders! Now the time has come to clear out the remaining stock for good. I have a limited amount of leftover products that still need a home, hence why I'll be opening my shop a second time on Sunday, October 31st at 5pm Central European time (CET / UTC+1)!

Unlike the first time, this sale will be based on inventory which means I already have limited stock that can sell out! The store will close when all products have been sold, so this will be a first-come-first-serve sale. Your order will be sent a few days after your purchase in case of any emergency address change you'd like made. I recommend preparing all your shipping info ahead of time to prevent any issues and to secure your purchase!

This extra sale will also introduce two new offers that were not available on the preorders: B-Grades and a new bundle! They will be revealed and explained throughout the two following weeks on this blog ✨

The store will alternate between being on and off maintenance for the two following weeks, so no worries if you can't access the website. Please check the updated FAQ on the store's "about" section for everything you need to know on how the extra sale works and what countries will be available for shipping. You can also check out the store to see the products that will be available for purchase on the day of the launch. The "contact" page is where you can ask any questions you have.

A reminder that this collection will be the only official Ink merch available so if you'd like to grab some or grab more and couldn't the first time, this is the last call! 💛

Hope to see you there on Sunday 31st 🥰

[gemsofgreece]

I will be in Greece by the end of October, which means I'll spend my first Halloween there, and I'm very glad someone asked about Greek traditions as I had no idea of what to expect..

Do you have any recommendations on what to do? Aside from the worldwild celebration, I mean. I wish to experience Greece like the Greeks, and going there after the touristic season already feels like a good start. (Ξέρεις πόσο αγαπώ τη χώρα σου.. ❤️

Να είσαι καλά!

Hello! Before getting to the rec part, I must clarify that these folk tales and traditions mentioned in these posts are not associated with Halloween. Greece does not celebrate Halloween, it is just a fitting period to talk about spooky stuff just because spooky is trending now that so many countries are in Halloween mode. Customs that refer to dark folklore take place in various dates across the country but most of them take place around February and early March, when it's the Carnival season, which is what Greece traditionally celebrates (and it is really interesting IMO). Some other customs might be celebrated around Christmas season too (i.e shooing the goblins). However, if you are in either of the two biggest cities (Athens or Thessaloniki), you will certainly find cafes and other establishments having Halloween themed parties on October 31st. You could ask your hotel receptionist or maybe a Greek you know, to learn more about what parties are available.

Depending on where in Greece you are heading, the experience may vary significantly especially in such a transitional month as October. In the far south, it will likely feel like mild summer while in the far north it is going to be the beginning of winter. Here are some general recommendations though:

If you are in Greece by October 28th, it is a great opportunity to participate in the Anniversary of No celebrations! The Anniversary of No is one of our national days (we have 2 and a half national days... long story). On this day, rural areas and folk associations have festivals with traditional dances and food but what certainly happens everywhere around the country is the parade. We have both a school and an army parade. Because of their big size, Athens and Thessaloniki switch between school and army parade in every national day. On October 28th, the army parade takes place in Thessaloniki. In other, smaller places the parades are usually mixed. In very very small places, where a military camp might not be nearby, the parades might be only school parades. Regardless of what the parade is, all of them almost always feature some representation by the traditional costumes associations. And obviously, the army parades are way more interesting than the school parades. It should be noted that there are some minor school or army representation even when the parade is of the army or the school respectively. In short, this is going to be best if you are in a big urban region or in Northern Greece, in Thessaloniki on that day. If so, don't miss the chance. Again, ask your hotel receptionist or a Greek where and when the parade will take place.

If you go to the south / southeast or the islands there, take your swimming suit with you if you want. You might find temperatures to be quite tolerable. However, don't skip on a proper jacket, long sleeves and long trousers, boots and an umbrella. I heard this October is going to be mild but you don't want unpleasant surprises.

I've said it before, I feel strongly about this. Since you want to experience Greece like a Greek, definitely consider adopting a Greek sense of time for the days you are here. Wake up around 9.30 - 10 am, take breakfast around 10-11 am. Have lunch at 2 - 3 pm. Relax a bit. Have an afternoon drink / dessert / snack around 6-7.30 pm. Take dinner after 9 - 9.30 pm. Go to a bar or a club after 11.30pm - 12am . Make sure to take your time while eating or drinking your coffee. Bring a book with you. Some cafes have board games you can play with your company. Don't worry that you are taking up space or anything, that's how it works here. You will see how much livelier your experience will be as all Greeks will be out and about at these hours. It looks so sad to see tourists eating a salad for dinner all alone in a desolate place while we head at home to take our afternoon nap LOL (Unless of course your day is full of things to do or places to visit, obviously. In these cases, you will have to plan your schedule accordingly.)

Also the sun sets early that time of year. After the timezone change which will happen on the last Sunday of October, the sun will be setting around 5.30 pm. This will sure feel very different from summer XD (You will have to set your watch one hour back on that Sunday a little after midnight.) Our time scheduling is not affected by the early sunset, we still do everything late but maybe a little less late if they start the Covid restrictions again. Be on the lookout for that, although I'm pretty sure it's not gonna be as restrictive as the two previous years.

Speaking of COVID, do have a bunch of masks with you (easily available in pharmacies), just in case, because the state might enforce them inside buildings when the weather gets cold. But even aside from the state, Greeks themselves took Covid a little more seriously than West Europe. I mean, there are always antis around too, but still.

Shopping hours are roughly 8 am - 2 pm and on some workdays also 5.30 pm - 8.30 pm. On Saturday shops are only open in the morning hours (except for chains and supermarkets which are open until the evening) and on Sunday everything is closed. State services are only in the morning hours and only on workdays. Certain pharmacies (always) and very few mini markets (occasionally) have extended shifts that cover the nights, Saturday evenings and the entire Sundays too. Of course, the more remote the place, the better prepared you need to be anyway. To find the pharmacies that have extended shifts, you can google "εφημερεύοντα φαρμακεία σήμερα" (= pharmacies on duty today) + the place you are in.

Always check tripadvisor or ask locals where it's good to eat. Don't always feed on the Greek salad or souvlaki, you will be missing out! You can ask the waiter for any specialties too or what is the freshest dish they have at that moment.

I see you are learning Greek. Make use of that knowledge, Greeks love it!

If you are unsure of how to make the best of your travel, visit a kiosk or a big magazine & newspaper shop. They usually sell maps and tourist guides for their respective regions.

Unless you are part of an organized group, instead of trying to visit too many places across the country at once, stick to one or two regions (islands or mainland prefectures) and explore them thoroughly. Greece is not easily navigable and it has many places to see. If your plan is ambitious, you will end up exhausted and with only a very superficial impression.

Definitely explore beyond archaeological museums and ancient sites. Visit Byzantine and Modern sites and museums as well as churches and monasteries, which are a huge part of Greek culture. It doesn't matter if you are not religious or your faith is different. Only thing to care about is to be dressed a little modestly (covered shoulders, skirts for women in the monasteries). I think you can take photos (except when it's explicitly forbidden) but not when there is a service taking place (although I have done it LOL it was a cool church okay?). If you are a Christian of any dogma, I think you can do the two standard things Greeks (and all Orthodox people) do at the church. As you enter, there is a stand with candles and a coin slit. Throw a few cents in the coin slit and take a candle. There is a special candelabra nearby, usually with sand, where you can light your candle and place it there. Next, you can kiss the hagiographies close to the entrance and on the right and left corridors of the church (not the ones in the chancel). Again, only if you are a Christian and feel comfortable doing it. I'm just recommending this because I genuinely believe that no matter what dogma a Christian belongs to, it's still the same God and the same saints and I find it really weird when they are competitive with each other.

Always keep some cash on you, especially when you visit more remote or rural areas.

To be honest, late October is a good time to visit the mainland, the north and the mountains everywhere in the country. Check out hiking options and mountain villages close to where you'll go.

That's all I can think of now. Hope that helped any!

Ελπίζω να περάσεις υπέροχα και το ταξίδι σου να είναι γεμάτο αυθεντικές εμπειρίες, όπως το ονειρεύεσαι!!!

[infinitejedilove]

The Jinnobi Challenge - 2022

Hello everyone! It’s time for my annual ‘shouting about the Jinnobi Challenge in March’ so that everyone has plenty of time to get started on work(s). This will be the 6th annual Jinnobi Challenge (previous master lists of submissions : 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021).

So here’s the rundown of information and FAQ for those who are thinking of participating in this Obi-Wan/Qui-Gon challenge (I will repost this info periodically as it gets closer to the challenge). Honestly, the only major change this year is that I’ve moved the challenge from October to August due to October being such a busy month for writers and artists in general.

When is it?: The challenge will run from August 1 – August 31. Any Jinnobi work you submit must be complete and it must be submitted sometime during August 1 – August 31. You have from now until August to work on submissions. PLEASE DO NOT POST YOUR SUBMISSION BEFORE THE CHALLENGE STARTS. Due to time differences in various countries, I do allow people to post on September 1st.  

Who can enter: The challenge is open to writers, artists and everyone in between. Art, poetry, photo manips, videos, gifsets, fanfiction, it’s all welcome. There’s no theme except it has to be Obi-Wan Kenobi/Qui-Gon Jinn. It can be set during the prequels, the originals, the kenobi show, or an AU. It’s up to you. You can submit multiple entries too, if you’d like. For fic writers there’s no limit on the length of your fic(s).

How to enter: When August 1st, comes around you’re welcome to post your complete work on whatever social network or fanfiction site you are comfortable using. Please tag your work (if you can tag) with the tag Jinnobi Challenge 2022 or The Jinnobi Challenge 2022 whether it’s a fic, art, or a post.  Message me with a link to your work (or links, if you submit more than one work), once you’ve published it so I know to put it on the master list!

I can also be reached on A03, but I tend to check tumblr much more regularly so if you want a fast response, I recommend contacting me via that.

Rules:

1. No underage relationships. (underage = below 18 years of age)

2. If you post anything triggering, please tag it with the appropriate warnings

3. Your fic must have a rating on it (the challenge is open to all ratings)

4. If you’re posting a long WIP, the first chapter must be posted on or after August 1, and the last chapter has to be posted before August 31, so I don’t recommend it unless you know you can get it done in that time.

FAQ:

Need Beta?: If you need a beta, let me know. In the past, I have had a few people who were interested in betaing, I can’t be sure if it will be the same this year but I can help get the word out if someone is looking. At this present time, I’m not able to beta for others, but please message me if you have any questions about the challenge as I want to keep improving this challenge for the following year.

What if I don’t have anything ready, but I do have a quiobi work I happened to post in August?: As long as the quiobi fic (or art, etc) is complete and was posted between the 1st – 31st of August 2022, you can tag it Jinnobi Challenge 2022 and enter it in the challenge.

What if it’s not slash?: This challenge celebrates the Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan ship. Pre-slash is fine, just please no ‘Qui-Gon as a parent figure to Obi-Wan’ fics as that is not what this challenge is about.

What if it’s a fic in a series?: if it’s a standalone complete story in a series than yes, it qualifies.

What it I already entered it in a different quiobi fic challenge?: The fic must be a new fic posted in August 2022 (no reposting old works unless it’s an extreme rewrite to basically be nothing like the original) and it must be complete. It’s ok with me if it is tagged in another challenge as long as it meets the guidelines for this challenge but you’ll want to check if it’s ok with the other challenge you posted it in.

What if it’s Obi/Qui/others? Or there’s Obi/other, Qui/other, but still Qui/Obi?: The main pairing should still be Obi-Wan/Qui-Gon, even if it’s poly, or if there are other partners or past/present relationships.

Does it have to follow a prompt?: No. As long as it’s Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan and complete it can be about anything. If you want a prompt to work with here are a few you can choose to use for inspiration:

True love confession

Cuddling during a rainy/stormy day.

Lightsaber sparring or Jedi training

One person finding out a secret about the other

Falling in love whilst having to live together in less than ideal situations (i.e. Hostages, on the run, unfriendly planet, sheltering in place, homelessness, living with crazy/horrible relatives, stuck aboard a ship, etc.)

Can be as angsty, fluffy, or as au as you want as long as it follows the rules of the challenge.

Is there a prize this year?: Yes! I want to continue having a prize each year. Each person who enters in the challenge will be automatically entered once into a drawing and I will randomly draw a name once the challenge is over. This year’s prize will be a postcard set of Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon! (I’ll have a more detailed post about the prize in a few weeks)

By the first or second week of September, I’ll put up a master post with links to all the amazing stuff everyone has created!!!

[dailytomlinson]

2020 is finally coming to an end, and we can’t say we’re disappointed about it. It sure has been a long way for everyone, yet some artists had a lot on their plate. Take a look at Louis Tomlinson’s year. As complicated as 2020 has been for him, he still unlocked achievements and outdid himself in the best way. So let’s take a look at how Louis Tomlinson made 2020 his year, let’s go!

Louis Tomlinson Released His Debut Solo Album Walls

After four years of anticipation, and a good two years of teasing, Louis released his debut album, Walls, on January 31st. The record received positive critics and fantastic feedback from his loyal Louies. From the party anthem ‘Kill My Mind’ to the emotional ‘Two Of Us’, with a few sweet escapes such as ‘Too Young’, not to mention the punchy ‘Always You’, the album brought the fans everything they had hoped for. In addition to that, Louis stole our hearts with heartfelt and sincere lyrics that only he has the secret of. Magic.

Louis Started His Worldwide Tour And Gave His First Solo Show

Louis started his worldwide tour in March before it got interrupted. Touring was what he had always been looking forward to, ever since he’d decided to start a solo career. Louis had expressed the exciting feeling and positive stress that he feels right before going on stage. Luckily enough, he had the time to perform twice in Spain at the beginning of March. His first whole solo show took place at Razzmatazz, in Barcelona, and reunited around 2000 fans (sold out). An hour and a half of musical bliss, a performer who shares a lot with his fans, and an incredibly talented band. What else?

Walls Went Number #1 In 53 Countries And Worldwide Upon Release

Louis Tomlinson made 2020 his year in the charts too. He always had a dedicated fandom, and that’s no surprise. However, he seemingly wasn’t expecting the global success of his debut album Walls. Indeed, it went number #1 on iTunes in 53 countries upon its release on January 31st, including the United Kingdom and the major part of South America. Not only that, but the album also climbed the iTunes Worldwide Chart to reach #1 in a matter of hours. Legends only.

Louis Released The Music Video for ‘Walls’, And It’s A Masterpiece

January 16th revealed the final single off Walls, the album, which was none other than the title track itself. Louis described it then as his proudest song on the album, with strong influences of Oasis. A few days later, on the 21st, Louis blessed us with the music video, shot in Morocco by Charlie Ligthening. The camera follows Louis through the Sahara desert and traces his path through a ballroom and dancing crowds. Some other scenes show him surrounded by masked people, or behind four silhouettes that he identified as his four former bandmates. The Easter eggs, the quality of the video, and the suit (yes, the suit, don’t you lie) made it a fans’ favorite, for it now counts more than 12 Million views.

Louis Reached 1.4 Billion Streams on Spotify

It looks like the fans’ streaming parties paid off this year. With only one album, four other songs, and remixes or edits, Louis reached the milestone of 1.4 Billion streams on Spotify this year. Additionally, he also made it to 4 Million followers on the platform. The numbers speak for themselves, and the achievement is huge for an artist who only received little promotion for a debut album, stopped on its way due to the pandemic. Here’s to his first billion, and some more soon! Overall, Louis knows he can count on his devoted Louies to increase the number of streams significantly with new challenges, the way they did it in December with #12DaysOfWalls. (Original idea by @miss_always_you).

He Launched Only The Poets Internationally

If you’re a Louie, there are big chances that this name rings a bell. Only The Poets, a band coming from Reading in the UK, literally skyrocketed this year. After their first performance as Louis’ first act on stage at Scala in February 2020, their popularity started increasing. And Louis confirming them as his first European act only made it better for them. They continued their year with live-streams, private Zoom calls, and pre-listening sessions of their singles with fans. They ended it with a social distanced show in Banbury and a Zoom Tour in a few European countries and South America. And the mutual support Louis and these lads give each other is heartwarming.

Louis Decided To Part Ways With Syco

This one is for the fans. After ten years of collaboration with Sony’s label, Syco, Louis decided to part ways with them for a new adventure. He officially announced his decision with a tweet on July 11th that took no time to break the Internet. Soon enough, hashtags related to the news trended around Twitter, other artists, and radios congratulated him on his decision. Louies celebrated with funny memes and GIFs but made sure to surround Louis with love and support through it all. Now we wait (for the new label announcement).

Louis Didn’t Only Postpone His Tour, He Made It Bigger

Another proof that Louis Tomlinson made 2020 better. Not only did Louis pursue his dream and goal to tour, but he also grew it out. After postponing the tour three times, the newly announced European dates include a few more stops, including Reykjavik (Iceland), Warsaw (Poland), Prag (Czech Republic), Vienna (Austria), Zurich (Switzerland), and an additional date in Paris (France)! The shows sold out in less than 40 minutes, making it more than 15,000 tickets purchased. Due to the high demand in Zurich, the venue changed and 500 more tickets went on sale! In Argentina, a wild mobilization of fans on Twitter led him to open the whole Movistar Arena in Buenos Aires. Some additional tickets went on sale for the Chilean show as well. And guess what? They all sold out.

Louis Was Crowned Artist Of The Summer With 13 Million Votes

Still, doubting that Louis Tomlinson made 2020 his year? A radio station from Philadelphia, @965TDY, launched a Twitter award ceremony last summer to crown an artist ‘Artist Of The Summer’. Many polls, 13 Million votes, and 26 Billion points later, Louis was elected and was all over Twitter thanking his fans for their dedication. Louies had acquired the absolute record of 26 Billion points thanks to their votes on the radio station���s website, and thanks to their mass voting parties. Another proof that Louis and his fans are unstoppable altogether. The support is always undeniably strong, and so is the bond between the artist and the fans. Happy days.

Walls Magically Rises On The Itunes Charts In October

Indeed, nine months after its release, a new wave of fans bought the album on iTunes and made it rise in the charts. The magic truly happened after @UpdateHLD (a Twitter update account), reminded new fans to purchase the album if they had not already. Considering Louis gained a certain amount of fans during the global lockdown, the initiative went successful, and soon enough, Walls was climbing the charts just like it did on January 31st. As incredible as it seems, it even received its first #1 on the USA iTunes chart. Louis didn’t miss on thanking his fans for their continuous support, expressing how amazed he was by the chart climb.

Louis Offered An Online Live-Stream Show, #LTLivestream

Early December, Louis announced his first live-stream show from London for December 12th, entitled #LTLivestream. He promised a very special show, hosted by the platform Veeps, and didn’t lie. The general sale for the tickets (of course) crashed the website, making everyone panic. Louis then confirmed that the tickets were unlimited. The show was as incredible as originally announced, with an orchestra, fans participating through a digital wall, and a new haircut that conquered the fans. The numbers later revealed that Louis had sold over 160,000 tickets. #LTLivestream is the most sold live-stream for a male solo artist in 2020. Being the generous philanthropist that Louis is, he has given the $2.8 Million raised to many charities and his touring crew. The charities benefitting from the funds are FareShare UK, StageHand, Crew Nation, and Bluebell Wood. And they wonder why we love him.

Louis Surprised His Fans With A New Song Called ‘Copy Of A Copy Of A Copy’

Last but not least, after spending a year on a rollercoaster, Louis revealed a brand new song during #LTLivestream. He had been hinting at it through a teaser for the live-stream and via a cryptic tweet that made everyone think he was referring to ‘Copy Of A’ by Nine Inch Nails. However, he proved everyone wrong during the show with a brand new song. ‘Copy Of A Copy Of A Copy’ reminds us of the general sound of ‘Walls’ (the single), and stole everyone’s heart and soul once again. Immediately after the show, the fans asked Louis when the single would be out, to which he replied that he wasn’t sure about it being one. The disappointment faded away when he said it remained an option and would put it on the second album. We’ll take that.

And that, folks, is how Louis Tomlinson made 2020 his year for us! We have so many memories of Louis this year and can’t pick a favorite! What would be yours? And what do you think is yet to come from Louis next year? 

[lwt28brave]

LT2 masterpost

If it was up to me, we would get an autumn or winter EP. Since it’s not up to me at all, here, enjoy this post with everything we know so far of LT2, which is to say, not much at all. Everything here is hypothetical. I’ll be updating every time I see something relevant. A little disclaimer that while this is a masterpost (kinda), it could be read as discourse (duh, it’s also a theory), AND it’s also by me, and you shouldn’t expect me to be serious at this point.

Due to me restraining myself, there’s no reference to any of the times he’s mentioned his guitar skills and him improving but I hope you know I cried every single time.

I’m also linking my old pinned here. It was written before AFHF and around the free merch thing that didn’t lead to much, but I still think I made some good points.

Possible tracks:

Copy of a Copy of a Copy

Change

Faith in the future??

369??

Possible names:

369

Faith in the future

When is the album coming out?

Your guess is as good as mine

Friday 28th of January 2022. Almost two years after Walls. It’s a Friday. It’s a 28th. What else can I say?

Here you can find @want-to-be-loved timelines for every month.

Here you can find @berlinini’s timeline of what Louis has been up to this year (2021).

The rest is under the cut. And here you can find a PDF version where Tumblr can't tell me how many pictures I can add.

2020

He said back on May 2th 2020 he wasn’t writing anything new yet.

(x)(x)(x)

Interestingly enough, he’s said many times after that that the album’s not ready cause he has no new experiences to drawn from. I won’t call him out because he does it himself.

May 4th. He liked a tweet from DMA’s Johnny Took saying they had to go write together again. Louis has been credited as an influence for them and (kind of) participated in their previous record, so I’m assuming he meant for their music and not his, but you never know.

Nothing(literally nothing??? how did we survive) until 11th of July. We all know what happened that day. We all celebrated it. Nonetheless, that’s not what I’m talking about here.

(x) So, by the beginning of July 2020 he was working on concepts and ideas for the new album. That was fifteen months ago. I know perfection takes time but…

Brief summary of important things that happened from then until the next mention of new music:

Louis left Syco!!!! 10 days later he rescheduled the tour for the first time. He followed Matt Vines on Twitter, probably so we could publicly shame him into doing something. Also, the 10thanniversary. He followed more people I wish he hadn’t.

Then more nothing until September. Not even a single tweet. The first merch drop was on the 28th of August but he just RT’ed the tweet. He first mentioned Free my Meal on the 25th of September. Then on October 1st Walls hit #1 on a lot of countries and Louis was incredibly happy and excited about it ^^

And then, that same day, October 1st, 2020, he dropped this bomb:

(x)

He also said it was too soon to be sharing new lyrics with us (x)

And, obviously, this tweet which is actually what made me start this whole post. I would hope you know mate.

(x)

He also told us he was cooking "banger after banger" and that he was incorporating more social themes into his music (x)(x) (I believe any social issue is a political issue but that’s not the point rn).

COPY OF A COPY OF A COPY?!?!

These next paragraphs are brought to you by my mind not remembering things and me not having any links. I’m assuming COACOAC came from those writing sessions that supposedly happened in October. Or in LA but I have no idea if he actually was in LA at any point other than a Daily Mail article putting him there on December which would have been too late, but I do remember that someone said he was in the studio in LA last autumn???? A rumor. Maybe. IDK. Did I mention already all of this is very hypothetical?? Well, this is it. I can’t even remember if this was October or November or what. So, take this with a grain of salt.

I’m also… taking the liberty to assume, if you must, that Copy wasn’t meant to be a Walls reject because it sounds more mature and darker and it has a vastly different tone that Walls songs. I know he’s said that song probably isn’t getting into the album, but I want to have faith (in the future) that I’m getting a studio version. (But also, Louis, if you’re reading this, first of all GET OUT OF MY BLOG second of all, please don’t ever feel pressured again to add a song to the album because we have already heard it before. It’s your art and it should always be under your own terms).

So yeah, I believe that Copy is either one of those four songs (then imagine the other three??!!) or was written around the 1st of October date.

---End of the Intermission---

Then not much important (other than sharing more about Marcus Rashford fight against food poverty and the 2nd merch drop) until he announced the livestream on the 24th of November. (x)

It wasn’t until a few days before the livestream date we even thought again about new music (jk, I know we’re always thinking about new Louis’ music). So, December 9th/10th, 2020. Nine months ago. We got our first taste of new music!

He made sure we knew Copy of a Copy of a Copy isn't a cover! (x) (x)

(x)

Ok, so that’s it for 2020. (I feel like I’m missing something from September 17th because tweet was deleted but maybe he was still talking about cucumbers. We might never know. Unless I understand how Tumblr tags work). Expected, cause Walls was released in 2020. We needed to let it sit for a while.

2021

Another Summary: Louis third tweet of the year was telling the UK government off. So was the fifth. What a good beginning. On the 26th of January, he said he prefers pancakes over waffles. I hope he meant pancakes other than his own. More importantly, he tweeted the infamous “you lot read into things too much”. Don’t get me started, Tomlinson. Don’t. Then the 31st came around and Walls was one. He tweeted this. How wise. And Project Defenceless happened!!

15th of February!! Who cares about Valentine Day when the next day we got this? ♥

(x)

(x)

So…AN EP?? AN EP?? PLEASE RELEASE AN EP.

“I’m sure I will have something out this year but unlikely that will be the album”. Unlikely but not impossible. Also. A single would be good. This is the second time he mentions releasing something in 2021 and he sounds surer about it than the first time around.

He also said that he isn’t sure we will get a studio version of Copy. And that the best bridges from Walls to LT2 are Walls, OTB, KMM and Copy. Can’t wait!

Then we jump to March 6th when he announced he was going to create his own management company. “Sometimes action is needed first to encourage the motivation and belief”. As we can tell he was already manifesting some stuff which will lead us to the numerology stuff/Tesla… kidding. Or not. We might never know.

On the 22nd of March he answered some questions:

He told us music was still his main focus ♥ mwha. (x) I included this tweet to guilt-trip him into giving us music in case he’s reading this even after I told him to leave. ILY.

(x) I’d love to get a visual EP this autumn. Just saying. It sounds like a lovely concept.

(x)

…next (I will get into it, I promise. I’m just mad).

On the 25th he left for Mexico until April 10th. You could assume it was just for the documentary where we got ten seconds of footage or admit the obvious: LT2 its a Mexican baby!!

On the 26th (so, not so far apart from that first 369) we got the first Faith in the Future mention: (x)

Back then we were innocent people who had no idea what was coming upon us. We still have no idea because what the fuck does he mean with these. Please explain. I have one braincell and I don’t use it enough for this. I’m linking some theories.

On the 30th of March he confirmed he was already working on the documentary. So AFHF was already on the works. Will it take this long for us to get the Veeps numbers? We also got this tweet: "Got a decent chorus idea down" (x).

Same person that got the “something out this year” exclusive. If you know something share with the class. Also. Is this Change? I feel like this could be Change but I also assume he wrote Change after hanging out with his friends or being in Doncaster. But who knows.

(x) And the second mention to 369.

(x) 15th of April. The second "Faith in the future".

On the 19th of April he announced that he had something BIG for us later on the year which turned out to be the Away From Home Festival ♥♥ (x) I love him so much.

Then on the 28th he announced the 369 merch drop (which it’s probably the Walls drop? Except that the TOU and KMM ones were “drop 1 and drop 2” and this was drop 369 which, again, makes no sense) but we still don’t know what 369 means.

Into May’ 21 we go.

He rescheduled tour again. And dropped another bomb (x).

He announced he has signed with BMG as an independent artist by RTing this tweet on May 10th. The article also says that he’s already working on writing and recording LT2. The timing… we don’t know. What this deal involves… we don’t know either. Bear with me here because I have a lot to say about this.

I think the deal is only a distribution one, but that BMG are interested in Louis and what he (us) could bring to the table. They were either present at the festival or watching it, but officially they had no involvement at all with it (everything is credited either to Louis own company, 78 Productions, or Charlie Lightening’s company). That’s the case for both giveaways too; the vinyl one and the tickets for the festival.

I think it would be an unbelievably bad move not to test the waters with BMG now or soon-ish. At least a single, to see how it performs. Due to the circumstances, it’s obvious there’re certain limitations on place but I want to see how they push it, whether the radio play exist this time around and if the song is playlisted and promoted and all that… I would also love to know, since it says he signed with BMG UK, but it also states it’s a global deal, how things are going to go on the US and other countries.

Yes, yes. I know those are all questions and no answers. But I know the same as you, sadly. If any of you know more than you’re letting on… again, share with the class.

Where was I? Yes, on the 25th of May Louis had a great day writing (x). Since the first time he had mentioned he was officially writing to this date there’s almost eight months. And I believe he was writing before October’ 20.

He followed Robert Harvey that day and, on the 28th of May (why is it always the 28th???) he was spotted at the studio for the first time.

June was an interesting month for the fandom ♥. Lots of LHL content which I will love and cherish for the rest of times. On June 4th, June 9th, and June 10th he was spotted at the studio, but I believe he was there more days.

(x)

This was posted on June 6th and captioned Studio. Charlie also shared it with “Mega tunes being put down, can’t wait for this @louist91 #louistomlinson #LT2” as the caption. This gives me 2019 (Elton-Joint) vibes. I like it. Feels like we’re getting closer to something.

He added the Milano date on the 9th too which I’m mentioning because I’m going alone. Anyone wanna go with me please? I’m nice and I never eat anything before a concert so you can have my food. On other news. It didn’t come home.

During July he was at the studio at least three days too. Probably more. Feels like more with all the fan pictures we got. Or was that June? Anyway, July 1st and 9th we got some videos from Robert Harvey and wearesuperhi, which is who Louis has been working with the most, that we know of. I don’t know for sure they’re from that day. And on July 5th we got an article and lots of pictures of Louis looking really good outside the studio.

On the 12th of July the first fans started getting the free, 369 bucket hat and print. We still don’t know what the purpose was other than to thanks fans. Maybe that was it. I want answers and I still think it relates to a future project (see theories above), but it could also just be a bridge with the Walls breaking.

He didn’t tweet about anything interesting for a while, mostly because he lost his phone (he either throwed it in the air or smashed it who knows). Then on the 29th of July he announced the festival!

I’m glossing over it because there’s already been a lot of talk about it (rightfully) and while it was a wonderful thing, it doesn’t have much to do with LT2.

Let’s talk Change!

On August 3rd he tweeted this about the setlist.

(x)

And this (x) on the 28th! I can’t stand him.

We didn’t get it, obviously. Because who was going to get that. But we read too much into things. Alright.

On the 16thof August Dave Gibson shared this post tagged #LT2 with the eyes emojis 👀👀👀. I believe this has to do both with Change but also with whatever else came out of that Mexico trip.

(x) Last relevant tweet related to LT2 is this one.

So, on the 30th of August we got Change and we cried, and we know that Change is going in the new album. He said it. With those exact words. He also said he was “getting a feeling for it”. This has to meant he already has a general idea of the vibe of the new album and what’s going in it!!!!!! (Right? RIGHT?).

Anyway, let’s go back a few weeks because some other things happened on August. He was at the studio a few more times. Or it was suggested that he was there. On the 17th and the 18th. (Why was it so time-pressing to be at the studio instead of rehearsing for the festival? There was no studio at all on the documentary. Which makes sense, but again, then why?).

On the day of the festival we got another mention of Faith in The Future that made me feel part of a cult ngl. The words were flashing on the screen for less than a second. Okay.

And then he tweeted those words again after watching the livestream/documentary on the 4th of September (x). This is what makes me suspect it's either the name of the album or of the single.

On the same day, we got some interesting quotes about LT2 on the documentary.

“Soon I’ll have to think about me second album, which in my head I’ll get the tour out of the way and then I’ll address that. So, I hadn’t really given it much thought, to be honest”.

“When every day is the same is hard to feel creative and it’s hard to have any kind of proper inspiration”.

“As season started to come back, I started writing again and it was great and some of these songs turned out alright”.

And I think this is it. I might be overlooking some important details but that’s what we know and what we don’t know.

So. Conclusions. That’s what you missed on Glee. I do believe the album is, if not mostly done, partially there. And yes, this post is pointless and never-ending but it’s all in here if you need to tell Louis “Hey, you said this, mate”.

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

You wrote your opinions on the Order of the Phoenix, what about the Death Eaters? That's another way of saying Lucius, Bellatrix, and anybody else. I honestly feel that we're running out of HP characters for you to write your opinion and reasoning about, so yeah~

We honestly are. When people start asking me questions about Harry’s nameless and faceless classmates I feel like we’re scraping the bottom of my barrel of Harry Potter opinions.

Though, that said, this is still a very large ask if you want me to analyze very Death Eater ever or even the Death Eaters as a whole (which is worthy of its own post).

So, we’ll compromise, and I’ll just look at the two you name dropped.

Lucius Malfoy

To me, Lucius is by far one of the more intelligent Death Eaters. He’s the guy who makes them almost look classy. I say almost, because Lucius is still a racist domestic terrorist and as the series goes on Tom gleefully drags him into being less classy by the minute (his house becomes a POW camp and housing for the dregs of society, Lucius just sobs, trying to be thankful he’s somehow still alive).

Lucius is rich, sophisticated, and is probably the most politically powerful man in the country. He has a beautiful wife he has... a son (sorry Draco, but you do not live up to your father) the guy has it all.

Which makes it very surprising that he got dragged into this mess. But you see, Lucius is paying for that tragedy we call youth.

Also, as a caveat, I’m about to headcanon hard and will not bother to get into the details of why I think x, y, or z in this post.

Ten years prior to the start of canon, Lucius is a very young man, probably very charismatic, certainly believes he’s intelligent and probably gets decent grades, but nonetheless the kind of stupid you see in men ages 15-25.

He’s likely chafing under his aging father’s strict guidance, knows he’s not going to be Lord Malfoy for years yet, wants to get out there, prove himself, and make a difference for his country. More importantly for Lucius, there’s this hip, exciting, new thing that all his cousins and friends are getting into called “The Death Eaters” (yes, I don’t believe the Knights of Walpurgis/Death Eaters 1.0 ever happened, I think it’s ridiculous that fandom and JKR does, I could go into why but not in this post). 

The Death Eaters are led by the single handedly most beautiful, charismatic, man in Britain. (Yes, I headcanon Tom’s still blindingly attractive at this stage, because it makes much more sense to me but we’re not getting into that here.) A mysterious man by the name of Voldemort, Salazar Slytherin’s long lost heir, who has come to resurrect the wizarding world’s true heritage and purge the land of the muggle stain. (Yes, I do believe that no one, not even Lucius who is later given the diary, knew who Tom really was. I believe Regulus’ had only the vaguest idea, informed mostly by Tom’s use of Kreacher to place the locket.) This is the most exciting thing to have ever happened, the rallies probably consist of rich kids drunk out of their minds and maybe even high on a little wizard cocaine, and Lucius is down for it precisely because his father says “Lucius, this is stupid, please don’t embarrass the family.” WELL LUCIUS IS GOING TO EMBARRASS THE FAMILY, DAD! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?!

And for a while, it looks like Lucius made the right choice. Things are happening, they’re actually going out and killing the mudbloods! Unlike Regulus, Lucius never has that “wait a minute” moment as he realizes that Voldemort’s actually far more efficiently eliminating pureblood families and sowing dissention in what was once a unanimous force among the Wizengamot (the other pureblood lords aren’t necessarily pro muggleborn, per se, but they get a bit queasy at the thought of blowing them up or Merlin forbid actually blowing up their own public venues wizards use). 

And then October 31st, 1981 happens, and it all comes crashing down. Lucius has to desperately lie his ass off, having only the flimsiest lie to rely on, has to hand out a shit ton of bribes, and manages to squeeze his way out of being imprisoned in Azkaban. 

I’m sure Abraxas looked at his son, with his tattoo on his arm that makes him another man’s slave, at the utter destruction of the Black family, and just shook his head going, “Clean up your mess, Dumbass Son”

And Lucius does to the best of his ability. While some will always suspect him of being a Death Eater, while some know it, he’s able to climb very high in influence in their ridiculously tiny community. Granted, I do think he messed up, and could never for example run for minister given everything (if Crouch can’t rerun then Lucius certainly can’t). He also shows us that in some ways he is not above the law, he’s very afraid his house will be searched without warrant in The Chamber of Secrets, and this is in part why he dumps Tom Riddle’s diary off onto Ginny.

However, he wields total control of the Prophet, has a seat on the Wizengamot, has the ear of the current Minister, is on the Hogwarts’ Board of Governors, and has his hands in pretty much every pie he can.

I imagine during this period Lucius grows up. He brushes the indiscretions of his youth under the carpet, gleefully leaving it all behind him, and the only real friend he maintains contact with from that period is Severus, the least zealot like of all of them. (Crabbe and Goyle Sr aren’t friends, they’re minions). 

Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a racist slime bag, and I don’t think he really regrets the domestic terrorism. He just regrets nearly getting caught and putting his entire family’s security on the line. He witnessed first hand what happened to the Blacks.

And then the worst thing happens: Tom Riddle rises from the dead. He rises, impossibly, from the dead when Lucius has his own hand caught in the cookie jar.

Lucius has been living a life of luxury and influence while his great master, the man he had pledged everything to, was dead. Worse, Lucius took what was described as a treasured item to be protected at all costs, and not only threw it away but sent it to Hogwarts where it caused massive havoc and was ultimately destroyed. 

And Lucius, I imagine, no longer wants to serve a master.

But he has no choice. And so begins Lucius’ descent into misery and hell as he’s given an increasing set of impossible, horrific, tasks in punishment that involve him watching as his wife and son are put through hell.

I believe Tom holds a special place in his cold, black, passive aggressive heart for Lucius Malfoy.

First, Tom makes Lucius’ house his headquarters. Oh, Lucius, you have a very nice, very large, estate? Why don’t you host your beloved, mad, cousin, her equally mad husband and brother-in-law? Oh, Bellatrix threatened to cut off your ear? Well, she’s just so passionate! 

Second, Lucius is told to go get the prophecy. Well, this is easier said than done. He nearly succeeds but then it all turns into the world’s largest clusterfuck that ends in two notable things. First, the prophecy is lost forever, shattered. Second, the government admits that Voldemort is truly resurrected. Both of these things are very bad in Tom’s book. And the blame can easily be put on Lucius’ head.

In response to this, Draco is now given an impossible task that Draco is too stupid to realize is designed to cause him (and his family) as much misery as possible. Draco is to assassinate Dumbledore. 

Likely, Tom was already informed by Snape that Dumbledore was dying. The blackened hand was too obvious a tell coming from too obvious a source for the pair to have hid it. I think trying to hide such information would have immediately blown Snape’s cover. So, Tom knows the man is dying, and doesn’t see fit to tell Draco this.

Instead, he tells Draco, “Kill Dumbledore as soon as possible or I deliver you to Fenrir Grayback.” Draco, however, is young and stupid, so he honestly thinks he is doing this to restore the family honor, earn glory for himself and for the cause, and is expected to do this entirely by himself. As a result, when Narcissa begs Snape to aid Draco, Draco blows them both off and only accepts help from Bellatrix because HE CAN DO THIS ON HIS OWN! DRACO IS A MAN.

This, of course, doesn’t work out either. Draco doesn’t deliver the killing blow, Snape does, but Tom decides to give him a pass.

Instead he moves on to his next plan which is making the Malfoy manor his torture chamber and POW camp. Even Draco, at this point, realizes this all kind of sucks. 

And then Voldemort finally dies a second time, and I’m sure Lucius just stares numbly at his malformed corpse, wondering if it will really take this time.

So that’s Lucius for you, paying always for his mistakes, and pretending he’s just as much of a nutcase as Bellatrix to fit in.

Bellatrix LeStrange

God, compared to the novel that is Lucius’ ridiculous life, I really don’t have much to say about her because I feel like there’s not much too her.

Bellatrix reminds me a lot of the Manson family, she gives off those same vibes. Point being, I think even before Azkaban (while Azkaban certainly didn’t help), she was insane and a little too worshipful of Voldemort.

I guess I can start there, I don’t think Bellamort is a thing, at all. 

Tom may have, probably did, have sex with her before he died but afterwards? In that body? Forget about it.

That said, I’m sure Bellatrix both wanted to have sex and is convinced she did have sex to produce whatever the hell Delphi even is. It just wasn’t with Tom, and probably was Rodolphous with a Halloween mask on his face as they got a little too into role play.

And there we go, I suppose, I can’t take Bellatrix seriously. You often see her portrayed as sexy femme fatale Death Eater, the most competent of all of them, if a bit of a sadist.

Oh she might be a very good duelist but she’s... Bellatrix.

She prances around in corsets, shrieking madly, and just what part of that is supposed to be femme fatale? I literally cannot take her seriously on any level. When I even try to write her seriously, in very serious stories, I end up with lines like the following:

"My lord, if there's anything you need… Anything from me, specifically, as a woman…" 

- Bright Eyes

That was my best attempt. That was the best I could come up with. It’s still something that belongs in a comedy.

So, I don’t think Tom really corrupted her. I think without Voldemort she still probably would have been blowing up Diagon Alley, just in a much less organized manner.

Even in canon she does ridiculous things. For example, Bellatrix, frankly, could have easily avoided prison.

For weeks after the dark lord fell neither she, her husband, Barty, nor her brother-in-law were arrested. Bellatrix in grief and utter disbelief that the dark lord could ever do something so mortal as die, said “remember that other house our lord mentioned, THEY MIGHT HAVE INFORMATION, LET’S GO MURDER THE LONGBOTTOMS!” They torture and kidnap Frank, demanding he tell them where their master is, THEY KNOW HE KNOWS. He doesn’t know. They go too far and torture the man into being a vegetable. “Shit, GET THE WIFE!” They go get the wife, do the same thing, with the same results.

They now have no information on the dark lord, two well regarded aurors tortured into brain damage, and are quickly caught and brought before the court with absolutely no “I was imperiused” excuse they can give out. 

How am I supposed to take her in any way seriously?

I mean, to end your life killed in a duel with Molly Weasley. That just says it all.