#in middle school my friend called me gay for drawing her

[starrymarii]

Cooliest idol ever

[pearlofthesirens]

You're Mine- Valeria x Fem!Reader(wlw)

my first ever wlw fic!! i feel like valeria doesn't get much love in the fandom either but i'm ready to be gay for her.

summary: Valeria is not afraid to show you that she loves you, even if it means to drop her tough girl attitude outside your lovely household

pairing: Valeria Garza x Fem!Reader

warnings: she/her pronouns used, internalized homophobia, slight cursing

now playing: Sofia by Clairo

word count: 1208 words(one thousand two hundred and eight words)

"I-I cannot explain why I feel this way."

"It's supposed to be wrong but I cannot stop it."

"I think I'm in love with you, Val."

Love. It was such a strange word to her, yet she never got tired of hearing it. What did it mean anyway? Caring for someone? She cared for her men, her money, the drugs she smuggles into the country, and she definitely did care for the reputation she had in Las Almas. But did she love them? Did she love all this?

A simple answer would be no. Because in a singular word, El Sin Nombre could easily say that her love was that one person who would place gentle kisses on her face and help her relax after a long day of dealing with shit at her job. Her love was that one person who kept an extra rubber band around her wrist just in case she needed to tie her hair, which usually rested in a overgrown bob around her face. Her love was the one she came home to, the one scurrying around in the kitchen to cook her childhood favorite. It was you.

"Need you, mi amor."

"Come here, Val."

Valeria couldn't help but instantly melt in your arms, her tactical vest and gloves discarded messily on the living room floor. She knew she might have to hear her girlfriend nag at her for it, but your sweet voice was worth it.

"Your stuff."

"Later, cariño. Just give me some love right now, won't you?"

You let out a small huff, the look of disbelief on your face when Valeria laid her head on your lap, expectant of some physical affection. Nevertheless, your lips turned upwards and your fingers immediately hooked onto her hair, gently swiping through her black strands as she let out a sigh.

Valeria did not regret a single moment she was with you, ever since you two met in middle school. Best friends was what everyone would call you two, till she started to get pissed about guys hitting on you. Why should they? You're so innocent, they're probably trying to take advantage of it. Her protectiveness was so evident, everywhere you'd go she would be there to hold your hand and lead you.

You didn't understand the blooming feeling inside your chest until it started to hurt more than you could take. It couldn't be, right? The kind of feelings girls felt for boys, not girls. It was wrong, everyone said it was wrong. Then why did it happen to you? Were you supposed to feel guilty about it?

Valeria was more upfront about how she felt, declaring that she was a single and proud. Yet every time she saw your face smiling back at her, she could feel all the air kicked out of her lungs. Her heartstrings felt violently tugged at whenever you found a wild flower to tuck behind her ear. Or the times you would sit with your face close to hers, focusing on drawing her eyeliner perfectly as her eyes were fixed on your glossy lips. Feeling for your best friend was so cliche, how did she find herself in the same damn situation as those lame telenovelas?

Confessing to her was tougher than when you had to count money at the market for groceries, you were never good at math. Valeria would laugh and return you the change, coins clinging against each other after she sorted out the price of whatever trinket you wanted to buy, not without bargaining a little. Saw a little ring? Cannot be too much, a pretty girl like you deserves it. A small cat carved out of wood? You shouldn't pay, consider it as a gift from your best friend.

It wasn't until you were crying in her arms, tired of the world beating you down, that you realized how you much you had actually fallen for her. Yes, it was love indeed. Pure romantic love. Her arms around you, her gentle voice consoling you, everything she did just increased the urge you had to kiss her on that spot.

"It's okay, life gets shitty sometimes."

"Val, I-"

"No, it's okay. I'm happy to be there for you, you're my best friend after all-"

"No Valeria listen!"

She was surprised to see you raise your voice for the first time since you two met, you were never like this. There certainly must be something that had been bothering you for a long time.

"This will come off very weird to you and I don't even know why I'm feeling this. But it is happening and I don't know how to stop or handle this. It's just so hard."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm in love with you, Val. And not in the way I say that I love you when you're being friendly. I'm in love with you like I want to kiss you and pull you closer and tell you about my day"

"Hold on, wait what-?"

It was as if her heart had erupted like a volcano at your words. You loved her? Is that what you were feeling all this time? Those shy glances and making paper rings for her, did all of it mean this?

"I cannot explain why I feel this way but I do..and it hurts so bad to ignore it.."

Standing alone at the balcony of your house, you let the cool breeze mess up your freshly dried hair from the shower. Your smile grew wider when you felt a pair of arms wrap around your waist, gently pulling you back to their owner. Valeria rested her chin on your shoulder, your cheek pressed against her head as you two stood with your back against her chest.

"Do you know how much I love you with your hair down like this, mi amor?"

"I don't think you've ever failed to let me know how much you love me, baby."

"Hmm good. You're mine."

"All yours, love."

"Munequita, you don't know how much I love you."

"I love you too, Val."

Her hands immediately spun you around to face her, one hand on your waist and the other behind your head. You let out a giggle, keeping your arms around her neck. Her brown eyes always softened for you, never once she had thought about treating you with anything but love. The strong hands made to hold a gun could also touch you like you were made of glass.

"Val?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you for always being there for me."

It was Valeria's turn to giggle, smiling ear to ear as she lowered herself closer to you. Her thumb gently kneaded your waist, your warm breath hitting her lips.

"You know I'm here to stay, right? Wouldn't have done otherwise, cariño."

The last thing you saw was how her cheeks flushed a little before a pair of lips smashed against yours, earning a little yelp from you. She could feel you smiling in the kiss, not letting her tongue take control yet. Only Valeria knew that she couldn't stop even if she wanted to. She wanted to feel you, all of you, and your love. A single kiss wasn't enough, it was never going to be enough.

proofread ✓

pearly venus, 18:20 240330

[erodasfishtacos]

Loving You is Easy (Demi)

prompt: my baby 🥺 mlb!harry’s exploration of his sexuality and coming out.

word count: 14.3k 🥲

warnings: topics of sexuality, identify issues, bullying, toxic masculinity, smut - 18+ minors dni

Take The Hint takes place in the middle of this fic & so you might want to reread first or when Harry starts to mention YN.

This fic is my baby. I’m so so proud of it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

Please please like, follow, comment, and reblog ❣️

And I really would love to hear your thoughts so please send me a message about the fic ❣️

-

Assumptions.

That’s what Harry’s life has been based upon since he was in little league because of his perceived dominance and masculinity.

It happened nearly every game, he’d always draw attention because of his skill. 

Even at such a young age - as soon as he could bat without the tee to hold the ball, people knew that he was something special.

Women would pinch his cheek and tell his mother to watch out because he was going to be a heartbreaker with the ladies - men would chuckle and joke that they were going to have to hide their daughters from him.

It doesn’t get any better as he grows up, it actually gets worse. 

The more notoriety he garners, more attention and not just based on his athletic abilities, his looks landed him almost just as much.

He was good-looking and had above average athleticism, he was irresistible for people to leave alone.

He can’t count the number of times that men have asked him how many girls he had fucked that week because he just had to be getting it all the time.

In all this time of feeling wanted, Harry had never felt more alone. 

He felt like there was something wrong with him. 

There had to be - because he wasn’t living up to any expectations that society has set for him and had made abundantly clear since he was young.

He was meant to have a girl on his arm, who had to be the societal standard of beautiful who would follow him like a puppy.

Since he was a young teenager, always playing on baseball teams much higher than his age level - coaches and scouts knew that he was destined for the major leagues and it was just a matter of time before they snatched him up.

Girls in high school would swoon over his chiseled jaw, the way his biceps flexed, and the baseball bleachers were riddled with gaggles of giggly girls watching him practice on the pitch.

He didn’t have a break, there wasn’t a day of practice that didn’t go by where girls weren’t coming to watch him as he played.

It was supposed to be flattering but to Harry, it was just frustrating to constantly have all these girls gawking after him when he wasn’t interested.

Harry knew that he should be enjoying all the attention from the female gaze, at least, that’s what he thinks because of how often people are making assumptions about his private life.

But that’s all these things were…

Assumptions.

Harry didn’t care about girls or dating in middle school, never really gave it another thought when he never developed any crushes on the pretty peers who were very much interested in him.

It wasn’t until high school that he realized that there was something wrong with him or so he thought that he wasn’t normal like the other kids.

Harry began to realize that he didn’t have the same interests and urges as his friends who were constantly drooling over girls in short skirts or commenting on their appearances.

He could look at a girl and think she’s pretty but he didn’t have some deep primal urge to ask her over his house so he could get his rocks off like his friends did.

It only became an issue when his so-called friends started teasing him about his lack of social life with the ladies.

They would ask him if he was gay or asexual, asked him if he was still a virgin with all the date offers he gets.

He didn’t know what he was - he didn’t know if he was gay or asexual, he wanted to have sex but he didn’t just want it to be random.

Harry now realizes it wasn’t harmless teasing, not with how much emotional damage it had on his psyche to constantly be questioned about his sexuality.

He hadn’t known what he was.

It had been a late night practice and everyone was talking about the upcoming prom dance.

“Who are you taking, Styles?” Cody, one of his teammates asks as he packs up his bag with his equipment.

“Er, not sure,” Harry shrugs, attempting to come off nonchalant and unbothered by the question - despite how cocky he appeared, he was the furthest thing from confident internally about the topic.

“Come on! I know Lana and Jessie already asked you and they’re the hottest girls in the school! Lana’s tits are massive,” Seth chimes in, offended that Harry would have the nerve to turn down the girls of his teenage dreams.

Harry feels his face get hot because he knows what this is going to turn into very quickly - as it always did.

“Is it because you’re taking your boyfriend? Or yourself? Your hand can’t be your only date forever!” Cody crows, Harry’s hackle standing up at the jab and he feels himself getting hot.

“Mind your own fucking business,” Harry huffs out instead, swinging his pack over his shoulder and turning on his heel to leave.

“You know for how good you are at baseball, nobody would know you’re a virgin. Great in the field, a dud in the sheets,” Conner can’t help but add in, all the boys were chuckling as they changed.

Harry is still trying to be the bigger person by continuing to walk away but when Seth snickers, “Y’know what I think? He’s so good at baseball because he’s making up for his small dick.’

Everyone has a breaking point.

They had managed to get Harry to hit his, which was an accomplishment but the subject of his sexuality had become more and more tender over the past few months as he really started to understand his dilemma. 

Harry drops his bag at his feet, storming towards Seth with his fist coming up, raised and about to swing when their coach appears to stop anything from happening.

Seth is frowning with his hands up in surrender, eyes wide as he realizes Harry was actually mad, “I was just joking around with you. Take a fucking joke.”

“The only joke in this locker room is your baseball abilities,” Harry snarls back, it was quite the insult coming from their captain and Seth's face drops even more than before.

“Styles, hit the road,” Coach Greggs orders, pointing towards the exit of the lock room with a serious expression - disappointment in his star player’s behavior.

-

When Harry gets home, he bypasses his mum and sister without even a hello before he’s running upstairs to his room and slamming the door shut.

He hates feeling like this.

Like he didn’t even know who he was.

How difficult could it be to figure out what or who you’re attracted to?

He was trying to convince himself he wasn’t broken, he knew all his body parts worked, it wasn’t anything but pure mental blockage.

Thinking about having someone lay next to him in his bed, they’re kissing, taking off clothes - Harry likes the idea of that.

However, it’s not just anyone, it’s not a random hookup.

He imagines it being someone he’s in love with, he’s so fucking fond of, and they know each other so intimately - its just them in their little world, no one else had this experience but them together.

But that doesn’t make any sense.

That’s not a thing.

Harry always felt normal beside this but this was major. 

This was detrimental that he figured out what his issue was or he would never have a partner, get married, have kids.

Sure, he'd probably be a successful baseball player but may be the oldest virgin on this earth if he didn't shake this feeling.

Harry decides that same night that he's going to go against his instincts and just ask a girl to the dance - maybe once he put himself out there it will change.

And as Harry was thinking about it, he wouldn't necessarily be against asking a boy either but he's not sure he's ready to explore that idea right now.

He didn't feel excited at the aspect of having a date but instead just a sad relief that his teammates won't bother him anymore.

It felt lonely and isolating.

-

Harry brings flowers the next day, he knows which girl he wants to ask, Yazmin - he knew she had a crush on him and she was nice, not overly concerned with what others thought of her.

The other reason he is choosing her is because she is one of the many who had made it extremely obvious that she would instantly say yes to him if he asked and he was really not trying to get rejected either.

He feels bad he's not very enthusiastic when she accepts and draws him into a massive hug with her face buried in his neck.

To avoid coming off as rude, he hugs her back until it becomes too much for him and he's pulling back with a forced smile.

The lunchroom is filled with envious glares from other girls who had either been dropping hints to Harry that they wanted to go with him or they'd be too nervous to be forward and are boiling with envy.

Yazmin begins to talk about colors, her dress, everything that people should be looking forward to for the event.

Harry...well, he was just hoping that after he asked her and she accepted that he would feel something, anything towards her whether it was a bit of fondness or admiration.

There wasn’t a question that she was pretty, her long thick black curls that fell down her back, her warm brown eyes, and wide smile.

But there was nothing, absolutely nothing that was attracting him to her at this moment as she babbled on about cool versus warm tones.

-

After baseball practice, he wanders in to his mum and sister sitting at the dinner table - just beginning their meal as they chat.

When he drops his backpack and duffle bag near the entryway and joins them - he's tired from all the drills and doesn't say anything more than 'hi' as he begins digging in.

"Mrs. Fields told me today that you asked Yazmin to the dance," Anne smiles with bright eyes, she was proud that he was putting himself out there - she worried about him.

Harry feels his stomach churn, he's short when he replies, not looking up from his plate, "Yeah."

"I'm so happy for you, this is going to be so exciting," Anne says before taking a sip of her tea and patting his hand.

"She's pretty too," Gemma adds to the conversation, "I think you guys are going to make a cute couple."

"I'm not dating her," Harry says sharply, using a bit more force to stab at his vegetables, "It's just an invite to a stupid dance. That's it."

"I know, dear. It's just that we haven’t seen you interested in any girls at your school and I want you to enjoy your high school experience-"

"Can I not enjoy high school without a girlfriend? Is me not being not a star athlete enough?" Harry is getting loud which isn't like him to every raise his voice at his mother, "Why does everyone fucking care? I just want to be left the fuck alone about it!"

With that, Harry is slamming down his silverware, snatching his backpack off the floor, and storming up to his room with the door shutting and the lock being flicked.

-

Harry doesn't come out of his room that night and refuses to speak more than a few words to them through the door.

The next morning when Harry comes down for school, dressed and ready to go, Anne tries to  smooth over the situation.

She didn't know what was going on with her son and that was a new uncomfortable feeling for her - usually he was open about everything with her.

Anne didn't know what she said that had triggered the response he'd given and despite how much she wanted to talk to him about it, she knew that she shouldn't force him.

"Harry," Anne speaks up when he steps into the kitchen to make his morning protein drink, " I want to talk about last night."

"There's nothing to talk about, s'fine," He brushes off stiffly as he reaches for one of his shaker bottles and container of protein mix.

"There is. I clearly upset you last night," Anne's voice is soft and cautious, "I'm sorry. I love no matter if you want to date or not, I'm proud and excited for you no ma-"

"There's nothing wrong with me!" Harry bites back as he tries to scoop out the powder, hands shaking with some strong emotion, and it spills onto the countertop.

"I didn't say there was," Anne furrows her brow, she felt like they were on two difficult wavelengths and not really speaking the same language - having two different conversations.

"Shouldn't everyone care that I'm lined up to go pro or that with all this training, I still get straight A's," Harry scoffs as he pours the water and shakes it harshly, "Why is everyone so focused on who I'm going to sleep with?"

And with that, he's grabbing his stuff and leaving the house - Anne stunned as she sits at the breakfast nook unsure of how an innocent conversation at dinner has led to an ongoing tense back and forth with her son.

-

Yazmin is all over him and Harry is quickly realizing that him inviting her to the dance was also interpreted as him asking her to be his girlfriend.

But when she sat down next to him at lunch, her hand moving to intertwine with his - he didn't push her off but instead could only think about the whole lunch period about how he didn't want to be holding hands with her.

However, he noticed that all of his friends had their girlfriends cuddled up on them too and seemed to enjoy it when their girl curled into them or kissed their cheeks.

He played along.

-

In the locker room, after practice, well Harry wishes he could skip changing and go home because he was starting to not enjoy this time around his teammates.

"Yazmin, man," Hunter laughs as he sits on the bench to kick off his cleats, "It's no surprise you wait until the last minute to ask a girl out and you pick the hottest girl at school."

Harry shrugs as he shoves his jersey into his duffle, shoulders already tensing because of the conversation topic, "Yeah, she's nice.”

"Nice? You mean has nice tits," Luke adds and the other boys howl loudly as they mock breasts with their hands coming up their chests, "She's got huge ones. Let me know how they look when you get her topless."

Harry shakes his head, face turned away towards his locker- even though his teammates are being pigs, he wishes he could relate in a way.

He hadn't even looked at her chest or maybe he had but it didn't elicit any type of sexual response that made him want to get her naked.

It seemed like every other guy in the room had the identical response except him - normal teenage boys cared about boobs, really no matter who they belonged to.

"Yeah, I saw Casey's pair last night," Josh adds with a cocky smirk, "Let me touch 'em and everything."

Luckily, that conversation distracts the boys enough to lay off of Harry - now to focused on Josh's experience with his girlfriend.

They don't even notice when he slips out the door to head home as they all joke around and share stories.

Life was just..

Harry was miserable.

He dreaded going to school because of all the eyes on him, the fact that Yazmin wanted to be with him every free second, or his friends who were always talking about something girl or sex-related.

At practice, he got hounded by his teammates about the same things everyday and had to hear tales that he didn't assimilate to in the slightest.

At home, he was now in this weird limbo where he knows his mom and sister feel like they're walking on eggshells because of his moodiness that he refuses to talk about.

The ideas of relationship and sex were closing in on him from every angle and he just didn't want to talk about it.

He wished that when he was born someone just smacked a label on his forehead that said 'gay', 'straight', 'asexual', something so that he didn't have to figure this out himself.

Why was it so fucking difficult?

He felt broken, like his brain wasn't functioning correctly because he couldn't even decipher his own thoughts or feelings.

He'd always felt like this in a way but now that he is at the age where people begin to get into relationships and have sex - it's in the forefront of his mind.

He just has to get through the dance with Yazmin, that's it - he at least has to try to see this through with dating her.

-

Harry knows he's been pulling away from his family too but he doesn't feel like he's able to help it - he can’t explain what’s going on and he doesn’t want to be shunned by them too.

Because he feels like if he talked to them he'll blurt out, "I might not be straight" or "I don't know what's going on with me."

He used to think that he thought about it a lot but ever since he asked Yazmin to the dance - the only time he doesn't think about it is when he's on the field  or working out.

Baseball is his only escape.

When all the boys are going out after the game, the weekend before the dance, they were all inviting their girlfriends to join them.

He didn't want to be an asshole so he knew it was only right to invite Yazmin too - he didn't want her to feel left out.

When they're all in the pizza shop, it's nearly ten at night, and they're all still sipping on Coke and eating pizza after winning the game.

Yazmin is sat next to him in the long booth, their thighs smooshed together, and she wraps her arm around his - resting her head on his shoulder.

It's a nice gesture and Harry feels guilty that he wants to push her away so he lets it happen and tries not to think too much about it.

The conversation turns into the afterparty for prom, they were renting a cabin in a nearby state park, and were planning to drink and have a campfire.

Harry had agreed to go but he really hadn't thought of the implications until Harry is driving Yazmin home that night and she seems nervous in the passenger seat.

"Is everything okay?" Harry asks as he navigates out of the pizza's shop's parking lot and towards her house.

"Yeah. It-It's just, are you excited about the dance? You weren't very talkative in there," She points out, she seems a bit disappointed but hides it behind a small smile.

Harry sighs, he doesn't know how to address it, so he lies, "I am excited, really. It's just been crazy with baseball. I'm sorry it didn't seem like I was in there. Just tired, I guess."

Yazmin perks up immediately, "It's okay, I just wanted to check. I'm used to you being really outspoken and talkative so I was just making sure."

Harry moves his hand over to her, resting it on the lower part of her thigh, near her knee, and squeezes, "It's gonna be fun."

"I can't wait for you to see me in my dress," She replies, her smile widened with his touch as she moves to put her hand over his.

"I'm sure you'll be gorgeous," He fake smiles, keeping his eyes on the road, they're nearly to her house and he presses the gas pedal a little harder.

As they pull up, Yazmin takes a deep breath before asking, "Are you going to bring protection to the cabin?"

Harry gives her a puzzled look, confused for a second by what she means by protection and she grimaces when she realizes he's confused.

"Condoms? I'm on birth control but I want to make sure we're being safe," She adds sheepishly, looking down at her hands.

How was she already talking about sex when they haven't even went further than kissing? 

He didn't think he'd be expected to get intimate with someone this fast in a relationship.

"Oh, er," Harry stammers, just as embarrassed as her, his throat felt tight," Yeah, I'll definitely bring some. If that's what you uh, if that's what you want to do."

For objectively being the most popular boy in school, it was really quite ironic how backwards he was compared to the other people in his grade.

He was eighteen, everyone already assumes that he lost his virginity by this point, and it shows - he wonders if she can tell.

"I'd like to," Yazmin responds before leaning over to kiss him, she parts her lips and Harry matches her but it doesn't feel as nice as he thinks it's supposed to.

They kiss for a while in the car that night until his lips are puffy and swollen but Harry doesn't even remotely feel a twinge of any arousal.

As he drives home that night, he punches his steering wheel a few times- letting out frustrated screams into the car because he just wants to be like everyone else.

-

The actual event of prom goes fine.

It's easy smiling for pictures, eating at a fancy restaurant, and then going to the hotel where they all dance around to the music without anything being too serious.

The issue comes when they get to the cabin and everyone is starting to disappear from the campfire up to their own bedrooms with their significant others.

Harry waits as long as possible, until the flames legitimately start to fizzle out - he hadn't even touched any alcohol, neither had Yazmin.

She was getting impatient as she begins to wrap their hands together and kiss at his neck before finally asking, "Ready to go to our room?"

Harry agrees because he can't stay out here forever, he had bought condoms even though he was pretty sure they wouldn't be using them.

He bought them in the hopes that maybe, magically that once his body knew he had the oppurtunity to have sex that he would be interested enough to do so.

When they're up in the bedroom, Yazmin is on him, her lips finding his and kissing like they were that night in the car.

He can tell that she's nervous too but she seems much more excited and eager as she tugs off his shirt and runs her hands over his stomach before going for his athletic shorts.

She kneels down and Harry has to squeeze his eyes shut because when she pulls down his shorts - he's not at all hard.

It doesn't seem to deter her, she leans down to begin to stimulate him, and nothing happens as she does it - it’s not those amazing fireworks that his friends talk about.

He knows there’s a silent tear slipping from his eye when she finally pulls back when she realizes something isn't right.

"I'm sorry," Harry says with the most embarrassment he's ever felt in his life, "I'm- I'm sorry, Yazmin."

Yazmin pulls his shorts back up for him before standing in front of him, she puts her hand to his jaw and says quietly, "Look at me."

Harry blinks his eyes open, trying to hold in his tears as she looks at him with a concerned expression.

"Did I make you uncomfortable? I didn't mean to force you to do -" She begins to apologize profusely, getting upset herself.

It snaps him out of his own mind and his voice is firm when he interrupts her, "Hey, no. No, you didn't do anything wrong, I promise. It's me, you're-you're wonderful and pretty. It-s me."

Yazmin’s face washes with relief as he speaks, she reaches to take his hands but it's more of a friendly gesture.

"Are you..." She trails off, not wanting to make any assumptions about him.

"I don't know," He says honestly, choking up a bit on the words, "I'm really trying to figure it out and I just feel broken. This proves I am."

"You're not broken, Harry," Yazmin smiles as she shakes her head like he’s silly, "You're just figuring it out and that's okay."

"I know you don't owe me anything after all this but I'd really appreciate it if you didn't mention this to anyone," Harry mumbles as he laughs a big self-deprecating.

"My lips are sealed. If anyone asks, we had amazing hot sex," She giggles as she walks over to her bag to pull out pajamas, "Want to watch a movie?"

And his prom night actually wasn't as awful as it started out, Yazmin and him laid in the massive king bed and watched a few older horror movies and made fun of the bad acting.

At some point they drift off to sleep, when they wake up, they're not necessarily cuddled together but Yazmin's arm is slung over his stomach.

He thinks to himself, this isn't too bad, and just that little thought alone makes him feel like he may not be as lost of a cause as he sometimes feels.

-

Yazmin and him stayed friends after they 'broke up' and she never spoke a word about what happened that night and to her, he'll always be eternally grateful that kind, understanding people exist.

The summer before college, he realized that he needed to actually take the time to explore his sexuality through research instead of continuing a pity party for himself.

He could narrow down that he wasn't entirely straight because the idea of him being in love with someone other than a female didn't sound obscure or unappealing to him.

He didn’t think it mattered who he fell in love with, it wouldn’t be purely based on their gender.

The idea of sex didn't repusle him, he wanted to have sex and he knew that he wasn't asexual.

He wanted to have a partner and have sex.

That's when it stuck with him.

Everytime he thought about having sex with someone, it was a partner, someone he was in a strong romantic relationship with - but he didn't think that was a specific sexuality.

One day, he's watching some reality television show, and when they're introducing the contestants - someone on the screen identifies themselves as demisexual.

He'd never heard that term before and he curiously puts it into the search engine on his phone to figure out the definition.

That's when he reads the definition that changes it all.

"Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in whcih a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they've developed a close emotion with them."

Harry felt like he was having an epiphany and that the world fell still for a moment - it was like finding the puzzle piece he had been missing for years of his life.

It finally fucking made sense.

It made so much sense that he started crying, full on sobbing as he held his head with disbelief that something clicked.

Anne, who was in the kitchen, making dinner, hears the sniffles and rushes in, concerned when she finds her son crying which was completely out of the norm.

"Harry, honey," Anne coos softly, sitting down next to him and brushing his hair off his forehead before wrapping her arm around his shoulders, "What's gotten you so upset?"

"M'not upset, mom," Harry chuckles as she tries to wipe away some of his tears with the sleeve of her shirt, "I just-, I don't know how you'll react when I tell you."

"Is it bad?" Anne asks worriedl,  tugging him in closer like he was still a little boy and not a big, tall athlete that was way larger than her.

"I-I'm, it's about me," Harry stutters, his thoughts now racing for a different reason, this wasn't on how he planned to tell his mother any of this but he didn't want to lie to her either.

He wanted to be himself and he wanted his family to know who he is.

"I've been struggling with, erm, who I am for a really really long time," Harry begins, his eyes glued to his feet, "And I..I finally figured it out."

"I'll love you no matter what you're going to tell me, Harry Edward,” Anne says firmly, tilting his chin so that their eyes meet and he can tell how serious she is.

"I'm pansexul and demisexual," Harry breathes out, saying it into the unvierse for the first time, it felt like a massive weight has been lifted off of his chest, "It means that I am attracted to people regardless of their gender and that I'm only sexually attracted to that  person after we established a emotional bond.”

"How long have you known?" Anne asks as she holds him closer.

"I-I've known that I wasn't st-straight for a long time but I-I didn't know what exactly I was until now," Harry stutters out through tears, Anne can't remember the last time she saw her son cry and his face was damp with emotion.

"I am so proud of you," Anne murmurs but her voice was firm and serious, she moves to cup his cheeks until he's making eye contact with her, "So so proud of who you are."

"Y-You're proud of me?" Harry repeats back in a whisper, his heart felt like it was beating fast enough it was going to leap out of his chest.

"Of course I am," She laughs softly, like it was ridiculous that he could think that she wouldn't be filled with pride, "I love you so much. My little boy."

She kisses both of his cheeks before wiping the tears away once more.

Anne isn't expecting it when Harry hugs her tightly, his face tucked into her shoulder as he hides away for a moment.

She rubs his back lightly and just holds him as he sniffles, she hadn't cuddled him like this is so long but he clung to her for a long while as she whispered words of love.

-

Gemma is the second person that he decides that he needs to come out - he's not as worried about her reaction as his mum but it still wasn't going to be fun for him.

She had gotten home from work and disappeared into her room to most likely working on college homework like she did nearly everyday.

Harry knocks and when she calls for him to come in, he's sheepish as he comes to sit on her bed next to where she has her textbooks splayed out.

"I have something to tell you," Harry starts off after taking a deep inhale of breath, why was he so nervous? It was just Gemma.

But everyone reacts differently, people he think would be supportive of him may not agree with it and give him pushback or worse disown him.

He was nervous because he couldn't lose his sister but he also couldn't stand not living his truth any longer.

"If you took my laptop charger one more time and broke it, I swear to -" She begins with a frown as she closes her book to glare at him.

"No, it's...well," Harry begins to trip over what he wants to say and now maybe isn't the right time, maybe he should think it through more than this, "Forget about it."

Gemma realizes quickly that something isn't right, she reaches out to grab his arm and tug him back down, "What's going on? Is everything okay?"

"I have something that I want to tell you," He reiterates with a sigh, "I just don't know how you'll feel about it."

Harry explains what he had explained earlier to his mother to her, she listens intently and doesn't try to crack any jokes while he's speaking.

After he's done with what he feels like is rambling, he hesitantly looks up to meet her gaze.

"How did you think I would feel?" Is the first thing she asks.

Harry's brow furrows in confusion, "What do you mean?"

"You said you were worried about how I would feel about you telling me," Gemma explains from before he told her.

"Ju-Just that you'd be disappointed in me," Harry hates that he's been crying so much lately but he begins to sniffle.

"Oh, Harry," Gemma titters, swiping her school things off the bed so she can drag him into a hug, just like his mother did, "I would never be disappointed in you for being who you are. I love you. I'm happy that you finally feel like you've figured it out."

"I hope I find someone," Harry chuckles, wiping his face on his hoodie, "I hope I find someone who will understand, that I'll be able to fall in love with and have a normal relationship."

"It will happen," Gemma hums as she pulls back, "Just like with you figuring this out. It won't happen overnight. Now get out, I have to study."

-

It really doesn't happen overnight or anytime soon.

He will say that getting in to college and knowing his sexuality even if he hadn't been with anyone had let him slip back into the cocky role that he was used to.

Harry had no problem flirting with girls and guys at frat parties to keep up appearances - even though he wasn't interested in sleeping with them.

It kept his teammates from questioning him because when they saw him at parties, giving a girl his million dollar smile and telling her she's cute - they figured he was sleeping with them.

He didn't enjoy going to parties because it was only fun to fake flirt for a little bit before he wanted to leave because people were trying to get him alone in a bedroom.

Luckily, baseball and sponsorships took up a majority of him time so he wasn't expected at many frat celebrations with how rigorous his workouts and training schedule were.

Tonight though, he didn't have an excuse to not come because they had three days off that weekend.

Everyone convinced him to come, it wasn't a bad time really but he couldn't drink because he'd be kicked off the team  if he got hit with an underage drinking fine.

(They definitely wouldn't kick their star player off the team but he would be in deep shit and would much rather avoid that.)

Harry had been trying to get to know people on campus, trying to create the emotional attachment that he was searching for but it wasn't easy.

It felt fucking impossible.

He learned very quickly that he couldn 't just will it to magically happen and that he has issues building those bonds with anyone.

There was a girl named Halee who he had been talking to for the past few weeks, they met in one of his statistics classes and he tried to make an effort with her.

He took her out to dinner twice, listened to her talk for ages, and he waited to feel the spark after consistently seeing her for a month.

There was nothing there.

She was at the party tonight, they hadn't gone any further than making out because Harry didn't want to force himself to do that. 

Halee manages to get him alone in his frat bedroom later that night, stating that she needed to talk to him alone, and he knows it’s bad that he’s hoping she wants to break up.

But when his bedroom door shut, her lips were on his and she was pushing him back towards the bed - the exact opposite of what he wanted.

When he falls backwards onto his bed, she's crawling on top of him to straddle him, never taking her lips from his as her thighs come onto either side of him.

Harry's hands come to her hips, knowing he should try to enjoy it but also that it was no use despite how hard she grinded her hips into his.

After a few minutes, she pulls back and palms at him - completely expecting to find him hard and ready for her but...nothing.

He's not hard.

Halle gives him a confused look, she'd never had an issue with a college guy’s libido before, and she knew she was attractive.

Harry can feel his face turning red with shame but manages to give her a reasonable lie, "I think it's just because I've drank so much. I'm pretty wasted."

That seems to satisfy her concern because she giggles and drags him back to the party, promising that they can try again when they haven't been drinking so much.

However, he knows that's not going to happen because he fully plans on sending her an 'im sorry, its just not working out' text tomorrow morning.

Harry doesn't stay at the party much longer before he's retreating up to his room and locking the door to shut everyone out.

Sure, he's become more acepting of his own sexuality but it doesn't mean that it doesn't fucking suck that he can't just have a casual hook up.

The fact is the only sexual interactions he's had are where girls are coming onto him, he has to make an excuse or they'll see he's not physically into it which makes everything ten times worse.

Harry feels that sinking feeling coming back that he remembers well from his senior year of high school.

He remembers thinking that because he finally identified what sexuality he was that it was the code to cracking his life long struggle.

He wonders often whether he's truly waiting to meet the right person or if it's just something that is wrong with him.

The fake flirting, turning people down who come onto him, dating people he has no real interest in.

At some point it doesn't feel worth it to try to find his person , he wonders if there just isn't a person for him and that's a really lonely thought.

-

(Take The Hint) - One Shot

This girl makes him want to scream.

He didn't mean to break her fucking ipad and she has the nerve to run to the school newspaper and write an article about him.

He had apologized when it happened but she hadn't been willing to accept it, that wasn't his fault.

Harry had never had such a critique in a school paper before and he wasn't going to stand for it.

He doesn't know why he feels the need to go back and forth with this journalist from the paper but he can't stay away.

After their back and forths, he finds himself bringing her food a few times to the newspaper's office after he gets done with a long day of training.

Harry's intruigued that this girl doesn't seem to give a fuck about who he is and really hasn't given him the time of day.

But he finds himself looking forward to picking up a sandwich for her so that she can try to refuse it and give him a shy smile when he doesn't take no for an answer.

It sounds a bit dumb, Harry has spent so much of his time worried about finding the right person or building this emotional bond that he fucking misses it when it's right in front of him.

When YN walks out onto the field that day, leans over the fence and connects their lips for the first time - his insides feel like they're going to combust.

His stomach feels warm with excitement, he's eager to kiss her back, he wants to kiss her back and not stop for anything.

When she pulls away, he wants to pull her back, and join their lips again - he's never wanted to do that before.

Then when she asks, "Are you going to ask me out or what?"

Holy fucking hell.

He has never said yes sooner.

Harry was an idiot.

He didn't see that their back and forth over the past few months (even if a few of those were fights) was flirting and building this god damn connection.

It didn't seem like it at the time because in the past, he had to make conscious efforts to build relationships.

It happened naturally with her, he didn't have to think about 'wanting' to kiss her, forcing time together - he wanted to do all those things without having to plan it.

As he's walking back to the frat from practice that night, his mind is racing because he thinks he might have finally done it.

He found his person.

Harry didn't want to give his hopes up but he just hasn't felt like this before - he's had hundreds of opportunities with the smartest, most attractive people and he's never gotten that warm feeling in his stomach around any of them.

He was thinking about the next time he would get to kiss her and really kiss her - it made him feel something new but it was thrilling.

-

Harry has never felt more nervous in his life, he'd changed his outfit at least five times, and fluffed his hair a hundred more.

It was funny, outside looking in, despite how cocky Harry appeared to everyone - he really wasn't like that at all.

He hoped that YN would like him and he was worried because even though she forgave him, they really didn’t get off on the right foot.

There was another anxious thought bubbling up, what if he's getting too excited and it is another relationship that falls flat.

Harry nearly wants to back out because he doesn't think he can be let down like that again - he just wants to be loved and love someone.

They're set to meet at a small italian restaurant off of campus, Lorenzo's, and Harry arrives first.

Shet not there yet but he's also a few minutes early, he's trying to talk himself out of a nervous breakdown when a group approaches him, a group of middle-aged men who want to talk to the Harry Styles.

Harry smiles politely, answering questions about the upcoming games, and what he thought of their last win.

When they finally bid him goodbye after a few minutes, the group disperse and waiting patiently is YN with a small smile.

"You're really popular, huh? The Harry Styles," She greets, it was teasing but not in a mean way more curious than anything.

And Harry's mouth felt dry because she looked fucking beautiful like the prettiest thing he's ever seen.

In a form-fitting orange dress, her skin tone was complimenting the vibrant color and her curves were other worldly. ***

Harry knows, absolutely knows he wasn't just trying to make this work, he was undoubtedly attractive to her.

It was the fact that he wanted to see what lay beneath the dress, the way her breasts sat made it hard to control his gaze.

More importantly, her smile was wide and heartbreakingly gorgeous as she stared a bit confused, waiting for him to say something.

"You are gorgeous," Harry manages, it wasn't a line, it was the truth, "Sorry, you took my breath away for a moment if I'm being honest."

YN lets out a shy giggle, her hands smoothing the sides of her dress as a nervous tick, as she steps closer to him.

"You don't look too bad yourself, quite handsome actually," YN compliments, reaching out for Harry's hand so he can guide them inside.

The cocky attitude drops over dinner, well it never appeared in the first place, and YN was appreciative of that.

YN was intelligent, funny, kind, and quite honestly, everything Harry's ever wanted as she snorts out her drink at a dumb joke he makes.

She kicks off heels halfway through the appetizer and rests her foot on his thigh like they've known each other for ages.

He can't help but reach down and squeeze her ankle, fingers dancing along the ridge of the bone, and laughing when he tickles her enough to make her squeak.

For the first time, it doesn't feel forced, he doesn't have to remember that he should want to touch his date.

Harry is interested in everything she has to say from her experience on the newspaper to how she accidentally broke into a museum while she was in high school.

He finds himself laughing genuinely, not counting down the minutes until the date is over, in fact, he doesn't want it to end.

"You're actually a nice guy," YN murmurs towards the end of dinner when their plates are near empty, "Who would have guessed."

Harry winces at the dig, putting his silverware down and looking at her seriously, "I am sorry about how I treated you. I was being a douche. I don't always feel like I have a lot going for me and baseball is what I'm good at and to have that article written was a hit on my ego."

It was the most honest he's ever been with someone but he didn't even think twice about revealing his most vulnerable thoughts to her.

YN's face twist in confusion, "What do you mean you don't have a lot going for you? You have a guarantee in going pro, you have a ton of friends, and you have no shortages of girls around you."

Harry knew he wasn't ready to delve into his sexuality conversation with her, he hasn't ever talked to anyone outside of his family and Niall about it.

Instead of admitting what really makes him feel low - his sexuality and lack of relationships, he just shrugs and says, "I don't know. It's just..It's not alway easy."

"I imagine, it's a lot of pressure on you at all times. Everyone watching your every move," She agrees, her eyes are soft and she can tell Harry's thinking about something.

She doesn't force him to tell her, instead she reaches across the table for his hand and takes it in hers - but she doesn't let go.

Throughout dessert, they hold hands across the table until Harry is feeding YN a piece of strawberry cheesecake and it ends up on her lips instead of in her mouth.

"You did that on purpose," YN laughs, her tongue peeking out to wipe the sweetness away but misses the corner of her lips.

"Missed a spot," Harry chuckles, he leans over to wipe it off with his thumb and when he does, she takes his thumb in her mouth - just for a mere moment to lick it off with a cheeky smile.

Harry feels himself actually start to harden in his pants and he almost wants to panic because that's never happened before - even when girls have tried way more sexy things to get his attention.

It had been a simple but intimate gesture, it wasn't even groundbreaking to YN, she went back to eating her gelato without another thought about the interaction.

Harry had to will himself to calm down, his mind racing to her plump lips and the way it wrapped around his thumb.

If he had any doubt that YN was his person, it was completely gone now - he hadn't even known her long but to say he was infatuated with her was an understatement.

He couldn't find one thing about her that he didn't like from her beauty to her intellect to the way she giggles with a little snort when something was extra funny.

It felt like his world was shaping to revolve around hers but that scared him on the same end that he hadn't known her that long - their emotional connection was just that strong.

After the date, Harry offers to walk her home because she lives in the campus dorms - just like at dinner, very soon into the walk she takes off her heels and shoves them in her purse.

Harry doesn't know if he should make a move, this was all so fucking new, and he felt like he was years behind on what he should know, basics about dates.

YN wasn't hesitant or coy, she quickly intertwined their hands as they walk, bumping shoulders as she points out where her classes are at certain buildings and what she hates about some of her awful professors.

Harry wants to cry because it's just so nice to hold someones fucking hand, that's all he's wanted for so long.

When they arrive at her building, YN digs out her keycard, giving him a pouty expression, "I'm sad our date’s over. I really did have a good time."

"I had an amazing time," Harry tells her seriously, "Will you go out with me again?"

YN squints up at him, with puckered lips, "I'll have to think about it."

Harry's heart drops.

"Oh my god," YN bursts out laughing, "Your face. Of course, I'll go on another date with you, I had fun."

"S'not funny," Harry mumbles grumply as she giggles at his reaction.

"I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you," YN hums, stepping into his space and leaning up until their lips meet.

Harry's frozen for a moment, it feels like sparks, like everything finally makes sense but he doesn't realize that he actually physically froze because YN is pulling back.

"Shit, I'm sorry I though-" She begins to apologize profusely, thinking she read the situation wrong.

Harry takes a deep breath, channeling his confidence, and he steps forward into her space now - hands coming to cup her face and bring their lips together passionately.

Their lips move in perfect synchronization, his tongue swiping against her lips until she opens, and he can get entrance.

Her hand comes up to his neck, keeping him close as they kiss, it feels like his first real kiss, and he can't get enough.

When they finally pull back for air, her lips are swollen and she has a starry-eyed smile on her face.

"Goodnight, Harry," YN murmurs softly, pecking his lips one last time before swiping her card and going into her building.

Fucking hell, he was gone for her.

-

He could not stop thinking about her.

Her smile, her laugh, the way her eyes squinted when she was teasing him - this had to be what being in love felt like.

Could it be this easy?

As soon as he gets home, he sends her a text.

Thanks for giving me a chance. I really had a great time. Are you free next Friday?

It barely takes any time for her to respond and he finds his lips turning down at her response.

Are you fucking with me?

He decides to take the more cautious route, reading his text conversation, and he doesn't think he said anything wrong.

No? Did I offend you??

Yes.

As soon as he receives the message he's typing out an apology for whatever he might have said to trigger her to be upset but right before he hits send, another text pops in.

Offended you're not asking me to hang out sooner.

Harry totally does not squeal like a school girl as he smiles stupidly at his phone for the next few moments before remebering to actually text back.

I have a game tomorrow and Sunday but we could hang out Monday night x

They agree on that.

-

When the next day comes, he feels more energized than ever to do good on the field today - he always thrived but YN was really boosting his confidence and overall happiness.

He struts on to the field, he always displayed arrogance on the field no matter how he was feeling on the inside - he wanted to intimidate people and let them know that he's the best.

At the mound, he kicks the dirt a bit and adjusts his hat in a little ritual he always did before scanning the crowd - it was always a full house in the stadiums because of him.

His eyes do a quick skim of the crowd but stop when he's sees YN sitting in the stands without her iPad or notepad - she's sitting with a friend.

Harry's heart leaps as he gives a dimply smile that was exclusively for and he tips his cap towards her in greeting.

She blows him an exaggerated kiss and a small wave as the announcers begin the game.

Harry doesn't know if he's ever had a game that good - he had been on fire the whole time, multiple strikeouts, a home-run, and overall good plays.

When the game’s over after the post-game interview and compliments, instead of heading straight to the showers, he wants to talk to YN but she's no longer in the stands.

He tries not to think too hard about it as he goes into the locker room to shower, in a noticeable less than happy mood.

Harry's actually the last one out, he drags his feet getting into the showers, and lets the hot water just hit against his sore muscles.

By the time he gets out, wrapping a towel around his waist, and stepping over to his duffel - he nearly screams when someone appears in the locker-room.

"What's taking you so long? I've been waiting out there for ages," YN complains with a raised eyebrow, a smirk on her face when she's met with his strong, damp chest - his pec twitches.

"Er," Harry stammers as he stares wide eyed at her, "I didn't think you were waiting for me."

YN shakes her head, "Why wouldn't I? Am I being too subtle about dropping hints that I like you?"

Harry’s chest seizes because he doesn't want her to think that, "No no, it's me. M'sorry I'm fucking this up. I just, yeah..."

I just can't tell you why yet. 

Be patient with me.

"I know you've been with a lot of people, okay? I'm not here to use you and lose you. I want to see where this goes," YN seems frustrated as she explains herself.

"I do too. M'sorry," He apologizes again, the opposite of the cocky asshole she met, "I'm really, really into you."

And you're the first person I've said that to without lying.

"Yeah?" Her words are quiet, bashful as she glances down at her feet for a moment, like she wanted to hear the affirmations from him.

"Of course, you're gorgeous, smart, out of my league, if I'm being honest," He tells her with a raspy chuckle.

"I think you have it backwards," YN murmurs but she's walking towards him, and just like yesterday, kisses him fiercely.

God, he's never going to get tired of this.

He instantly reciprocates her advance, hand moving to the back of her head to cradle her skull and keep her close.

His stomach muscles twitch when her hand comes to his chest, rubbing up and down his abdominal definition, and thumb teasing at his happy trail.

It indescribable how just the simple touch is turning him on, he can feel himself harden at the movement and he can't help but push his tongue into her mouth.

They get startled when a janitor steps into the lockeroom, a tired look on his face when he spots them, "I'm locking up. Get lost, kids."

YN giggles as Harry flushed with embarrassment before she's leaving him to get changed and waiting outside for him to walk her home.

-

The next three weeks were an absolute whirlwind of hanging out in YN's dorm room cuddled together on the tiny bed, watching movies in his room in the frat, Harry stopping by the newspaper office constantly after practice to make sure she ate and then walkingher home, and then on the weekends they were going on dates and YN was coming to watch his games.

He knew that he was in love, he didn't care what anyone had to say about a certain amount of time it took or it was too soon.

Harry had found his person.

The puzzle piece that was missing his whole entire life was wrapped up in a gorgeous girl who bullied him, cuddled him, and gave him attitude when she didn't get her way.

He couldn't imagine anyone better.

There was one major issue, Harry had yet to tell her about his sexuality or the fact that he was a virgin.

He didn't blame her for making assumptions that he had a high body count with the way he flirted at parties - that was in fact the appearance that he was trying to give off even though it was further from the truth.

Harry wanted to tell her but when revealing that he was demisexual that was also telling her that he was head over heels for her.

And even though YN seemed nothing but understanding and accepting, it's different when you're in a relationship with the person.

She doesn't know whether it would matter if he was pansexual, if it would freak her out that he wasn't soley attracted to females.

As much fun as he was having, enjoying this new relationship, there was a lot of anxiety - he hadn't felt this much weight on his chest since high school with Yazmin and prom.

They hadn't gone further than kisses but it wasn't because of lack of arousal, he was so attractive to her that it didn't make sense.

However, up to this point, she hadn't pushed to do anything further than that and he wasn't ready to take the first step either.

It's a standoff until it's not.

YN and Harry are in his frat, they prefered it there for his queen size bed and he had a bigger television that they could binge watch shows on.

It was after a mid-week game, they had done exceptional, and Harry was truly convinced that YN was his good luck charm.

It was late, they both had class tomorrow but YN was sleeping over for the first time because Harry couldn't part with her.

They were in the middle of watching Great British Bake-Off and critiquing their bakes like either of them could do anything close to as good.

YN is tucked into his side, head of his chest but she squirms until she's looking up at him with a frown.

"Whassit?" Harry rumbles as he blinks heavily, his hand coming up to brush her hair out of her face - he couldn't get over how fucking pretty she was.

"Didn't kiss me enough today," YN huffs like she just realized the problem, her bottom lip pouted out.

"Didn't give you enough kisses, huh?" Harry repeats with a raised brow, his thumb coming to pull at her lower lip, "I haven't been very good to you, have I?"

"Absolutely awful boyfriend," YN agrees and everytime she refers to him as that, his stomach flutters.

"Or maybe I've just given it to you too much so now you're a demanding lil' thing," He hums but he's pulling her up so that their lips meet.

Harry can't help that he gets hard everytime they make out, maybe it’s a rookie thing or maybe most guys that's normal for - he wasn't sure.

But Harry and YN had never acknowledged it and as weird as it sounded - it felt good to get hard even if there wasn't relief at that time because it’s more  pleasure and arousal than he's ever felt.

There was no way he wasn’t truly fucked - this girl held everything in her hands, she had so much fucking control over it and she didn't have one fucking clue.

YN's hand is rested on his stomach but at some point she moves it, she moves it right over his bulge in his nike running shorts, and palms at him.

Harry moans embarrassingly loud and sucks in a gasp at the sensation of someone else touching him like this for the first time.

YN pulls back startled like she hurt him and begins to apologize because of his visceral reaction but Harry joins their lips needily before murmuring, "Please baby, don't stop."

"Okay, whatever you want," She simpers quietly, her lips coming to his neck to kiss and nip at the skin as she feels out the shape of him over his thin shorts - thick and ready for her.

Harry is trying to keep his eyes open but it feels so new and euphoric that his lids are heavy as she thumbs over the sensitive tip.

"Take your shirt off," YN requests, not taking her hand off as he rustles hurriedly to get it over his head, "Slow down, we're not in a rush."

It was lightly teasing but it made insecurities tick a bit because he didn't want to embarass himself in his first sexual experience.

His stomach is sucking in at every other touch, his butterfly tattoo dancing as his ribcage outlines against his skin.

Her hand lazily moves upwards again but is taking the liberty of dipping into his shorts and briefs.

He twitches when her hand wraps around him, thumb tracing along the vein on the underside before circling at his already wet tip.

"M'gonna take my time with you," YN promises as she helps him slip the rest of his clothes off, her eyes locking with where he's hard for her.

He feels self-conscious, the first person to see this part of him in this intimate way - it was the most vulnerable he ever felt.

"You're so pretty," She murmurs happily as she begins to give him light strokes, "Makes sense why you have big dick energy. You're massive."

He has to clench his teeth to avoid coming at her words because it was all too much as he kept his hips on the mattress as she twists and tugs with the perfect amount of pressure.

"I-It feels so good, baby," Harry breathes out, he's on the verge of panting when her hand comes to roll his balls delicately.

"Yeah?" YN muses with a devious smile before she's ducking down to lick at the swollen head before suckling at it.

"Fuck, m'sorry," Harry groans as he feels his orgasm start, "S'good, you're so good. Fuck, you're amazin, sweetheart."

He can tell YN is a bit taken aback by his lack of stamina but she swallows as he pulses in her mouth.

When she sits back up, Harry is trying to catch his breath, "I'm so sorry. I just-"

"Stop apologizing," YN tells him firmly, leaning over to pepper kisses over his chest and tummy, "That was perfect. You look so handsome when you come."

Harry preens at the praise, he knows she’s probably just making sure he doesn't fell bad but it seemed genuine.

"Let me take care of you," Harry says after a few more moments, he knew his cheeks were flushed and his chest red with a blush of postorgasm haze and embarassment, what a mixture.

"You any good at it?" She jokes as she playfully licks his nipple before moving to take her own shirt off.

Harry freezes, he knows he probably looks like a deer in headlights before quickly wiping it off his face.

He doesn't respond but instead knocks her hands out of the way to pull the shirt over her head himself.

Her breasts were fucking perfect where they sat in a plain black bra with a little lace detailing on the edge of the cups.

Harry didn't know if he would survive this, he felt like a  stupid teeanger as his hands were shaking with nerves.

This was more nerve-wracking then when he played in the playoffs for baseball or when a college scout came to watch his game.

He sits up and rearranges them until she's laying on her back and he's on top where he feels like he has a bit more control of the situation.

By some grace of god, YN's bra unlatches with a front clip and when he undoes it, it falls to either side and her tits bounce out.

"Holy shit, darling," Harry huffs out in awe, her nipples were already hard and so fucking pretty.

"What?" YN asks in a mere whisper, when he looks up at her - his heart sinks because he was so focused on himself that he didn't even think about how she might be feeling.

It was obvious that YN was a bit nervous too as he revealed her like he might not like how she looks - she’s squirmy and doesn't look him in the eye.

"How are you so fucking beautiful?" Harry shakes his head in disbelief, moving to cup them and they're soft in grip, warm, and good god, he's in love with them already, "Look at you, s'unfair."

YN lets out a pleased giggle and Harry can't wait any longer, he's fucking down to wrap his lips around one of the buds and suckle as his other hand rolls her other nipple.

"Oo-oh," She gasps out, pushing her chest into him, and he was sure that he wanted to hear her moans of pleasure for the rest of his life.

She was responsive to his touch, whimpering and asking for more through her body language as he switched between them and teased them until they were damp and puffy.

"Please, H. I'm so wet," YN begs as her hips move in frustration, her hand weaving into his hair and scratching at his scalp.

"You're wet for me?" Harry pulls back, their eyes meeting and he couldn't believe - he was turning her on even if he didn't know what the fuck he was doing.

"Stop teasing me," She demands with a pout.

He really wasn't.

Harry felt like he was in a movie in a way.

He dreamed about this for so long.

Being so in love with someone that he would want to have sex with them.

It happened and it was happening right now.

If it didn't feel so good, he wouldn't believe it.

Harry may or may not have utilized the internet to search about how to please a female.

He hadn't wanted to come into this and not be able to return the favor - it wasn't that he was uneducated about sex or didn't know the logistics of how to do it.

He didn't want it to be just okay.

He wants to show her how much he's truly gone for her by making her feel the same pleasure she's give  to him.

Harry takes his time kissing down her soft belly, biting at the plush on her hips to make her squeak before he's shimmying her shorts and underwear off.

Harry has never felt so primal in his life when he's met with her mound and puffy folds, glistening with arousal, and he wanted to devour her.

The hesitance is gone as soon as he sees her for the first time.

He's spreading her legs and nuzzling straight in between her folds, lapping at her with excited, eager strokes.

Fuck, she even tasted good.

"Harry, fuck," YN mewls when he finds her clit, it wasn't hard with how swollen and hard it was for him - dragging it between his lips and suctioned it.

Her legs are restless like she wants to close them, her hands balling into the sheets as he relentlessly goes at her.

"Oh my god," She gasps as she bucks upwards, trying to ride his tongue - it was by far the hottest thing that had ever happened to him. 

He couldn't believe he was actually doing a good job his first time, he knew she was actually close because he could feel her throbbing and getting wetter for him.

Her hands move to his hair, gripping it to keep him close to her center as she punches her hips up to find the friction she needs - it was beautiful watching her chase her pleasure without any shame.

He wanted to do this with her for the rest of his life and he knew it wasn't just the sex talking at this point.

She was it for him.

His chest swells in pride when she finally tips over the edge, a continuous stream of soft whining moans out of her mouth as her hips slow down and rest back against the bed - her limbs loosening.

Her face was damp with perspiration, long locks stuck to the side of her neck, and her chest was heaving and falling quickly as she tried to catch her breath.

"That was the best orgasm I've ever had," YN murmurs in awe, goading him back up until they’re kissing in short little pecks and he's brushing that sticky hair off her skin, "You're so good at that."

Harry's internally preening with the compliment, thrilled that he was able to get her off the first time ever doing something like this.

It was dangerous though, he knew already that he was going to crave her, she tasted amazing, it was addictive to be around her.

Everything from her smile to her laugh to the way her folds glistened with her arousal - it was all consuming.

-

Harry knows the longer they're seeing each other that he needs to tell her but the second he tells her about his sexuality, he's basically confessing his love to her.

He begins to feel like he's living this lie because YN occasionally makes a joke about how experienced he is or how many people he'd been with and he doesn't ever deny it.

To be fair, he never confirms it either but that even feels like lying. 

One day while they're at lunch in a little bistro on campus, tucked away in the corner so people don't continuously harass Harry like always.

"I..I shouldn't be surprised at how good you were," YN murmurs shyly, they were talking about last night and when he used his mouth for the first time, "It's just...for me, I've only been with two other guys and it wasn't at all like that."

"They sound like idiots who didn't deserve to give it to you anyways," Harry has to swallow down the possessiveness of two other people having her like that.

She was his.

YN shrugs noncommittal as she sips on her peach tea, "They were okay but not as experienced as you. They hadn't been able to make me, you know...finish."

Cue his chest swelling with pride once again.

YN glances down at her plate, suddenly not making eye contact with Harry and he frowns at that, "What's wrong?"

She shakes her head, letting out a short laugh, "I just feel embarrassed, I guess. I know that I don't have as much experience as you. I've heard the stories of you taking all those girls upstairs at parties. It's not, it doesn't bother me but I...I just worry I'm not going to be good enough or compare."

Harry's heart sinks into his stomach and he knows now would be the absolutely perfect time to actually come clean that all those experiences were fake.

He chokes though, his throat tightens up and he can't find the words but he can reassure her, and he's not lying when he tells her, "Hey, I've never had a better experience than last night and m'not lying. You were amazing, fuckin' perfect. I can still taste how sweet you-"

"Ssh," YN giggles, the mood already lightened again as she chucks a chip at him because she doesn't know if anyone is eavesdropping, "I get it. Thank you."

"Anytime, babydoll," Harry drawls cheekily, exerting confidence when inside he's absolutely panicking.

-

Tonight it is the night.

Harry has nearly canceled three times because he doesn't know if he can do this.

He's so fucking in love with YN.

So fucking gone for her already that he doesn't know how he could lose her if this isn't something she's okay with.

Logically, he knows that if she doesn't accept him for who he is that she's not worth his time but fuck, he loved her.

YN was it for him, he didn't care how early it was or if you’re ot supposed to say that yet because they haven't been together long.

It was the truth though.

Harry wanted to try to make it as casual as possible when he brought it up so he invited her to sleepover after an away game.

He'd organized his room, cleaned his sheets, bought her favorite snacks, and laid out a shirt that she'd want to sleep in.

When she knocked on his bedroom door, one of his mates must have let her in, his hands were physically shaking and his smile was forced through nerves.

"Hi," YN huffs as she brushes past him to drop her overnight bag, "I brought a bag of chips but Niall literally stole them out of my hand and ran away like a little goblin -"

"I have something I need to tell you," Harry blurts out as he quickly shuts the door and leans up against it - he felt like he was about to have a full blown panic attack.

YN freezes from her rant, eyes meeting his with concern at his behavior and his body language, "Is everything okay, H?"

Harry squeezes his eyes shut for a moment and tries to breathe out of his mouth, voice quaking, "I-I don't know."

Fuck, why did he feel like he was going to cry.

"Harry," YN murmurs from where she's sat on his bed now, "You're freaking me out a bit. What's going on?"

"I haven't told you something, important about me," Harry sniffles, he couldn't control the tears that were rolling down his cheeks, and he felt like that scared high schooler all over again, "And I'm scared you won't want to be with me if I tell you."

YN's brow furrows, she doesn't know how to respond because she doesn't know what he's been hiding from her.

"Tell me," She asks softly, her heart was pounding too - she didn't know if he was going to break up with her or tell her he already cheated but she was worried just as much as he was.

"M'not straight," Harry finally whispers, looking down at his feet and avoiding her gaze all together, "I'm pansexual and demisexual. I haven’t been with anyone other than you, ever. God, I know I sound like such a fucking loser."

"Come here," YN responds firmly, her eyes serious and he can't read her expression which makes everything worse as he cries, sniffling and wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand.

He listens though, cautiously walking until he's in front of her - eyes still looking anywhere but at her.

"Look at me," YN prompts once again, waiting until his watering green eyes finally meet hers, "I love you, no matter what your sexual preference is or how many people you've been with."

"You-You love me?" Harry stutters out with another sob, he felt like such a baby but his heart was fluttering and butterflies were turning his stomach.

"I thought I've made it obvious but yes, I do," YN smiles sweetly, pulling him down to kiss him despite his damp cheeks, "I love you as you are. I accept you as you are. You're perfect."

Harry blinks away his tears, letting her cup his jaw and bring him in for short but soft pecks over and over again.

"I know what pansexual is," YN says against his mouth before pulling back a little, "I don't know what demisexual is."

After Harry gets done explaining to her what his sexuality means to him, what he defines as being demi sexual - he's alarmed when he notices tears in YN's eyes now.

"I'm- Are you-" Harry begins to ask but she cuts him off.

"I'm your person?" YN repeats his words from earlier, she sounds like she’s a bit in disbelief that this is all happening.

"You’re my person," Harry agrees, kissing her forehead, nose, lips, cheeks, "I'm so in love with you. It's only ever been you. Only ever will be."

"I love you," YN gasps against his lips, bringing him in for another kiss but this time it's more heated with more purpose behind it as she pulls him down on top of her.

YN and Harry are equally frantic as they tug off each other's shirts, lips wandering over bare skin, and YN whines loudly when his lips wrap around her nipples and suck at them.

She's hurriedly pushing his shorts and briefs off his hips before allowing him to nearly rip her panties with the eagerness to have her bare.

As Harry's mouth teases at her breasts, switching between harden buds and nipping at them - her hands are twined tightly in his hair and holding him to her.

His cock is painfully hard, wet at the tip as he grinds it against her mound - the friction already good.

On one thrust, his length slips through her folds and his swollen head is pumping at her clit - making them both let out a surprised moan at the sensation.

"Need it," YN whines as he pumps his hips, the wet slide against her core was new to him but it felt like heaven, "Please, H."

And he knew what she was asking, he wanted to give it to her but he was scared that it wasn't going to be good.

"It's my first time," Harry mumbles embarrassedly, even though he had already admitted that to her, "I don't know how long I'll last,"

YN wriggles her hips, hissing in pleasure when his cock drags against her slit, teasing at pushing in before pulling away. 

"It's okay, baby," She assures him, petting at his hair, "I just want you, please. I don't care how long you last, just want you. Want to make you mine."

Want to make you mine.

Holy fucking shit.

"Yeah," Harry rasps, voice deeper than ever, feeling a building up in confidence at how bad she wanted him right now.

He was so used to being the best at everything.

He was the best baseball player in the college leagues.

He was the best pitcher to ever attend Duke.

He was the first person to get an MLB draft pick before graduation.

He wasn't used to not being confident in hai abilities but he truly felt the love radiating from YN and knew that she just wanted him however she could get him.

Harry takes a deep breath, hand shaking as he grips himself, positioning at her entrance, and when he pushes in - he knows he moans loud enough that the whole house will be able to hear him.

"Shit, baby," Harry mewls as he drops his head down to take a deep breath before moving, "You feel so good. Fuckin' hell."

"H, move please," YN begs as she wraps her legs around his hips, "You're so big. Feels amazing, please honey."

Harry nods, one more deep breath before he's pulling out nearly to his tip before thrusting back in - the hot, velvet of her walls squeezing him and it was surely what euphoria felt like.

He can feel his orgasm already brimming over and it couldn't have been more than a minute or two - between the feeling around his cock, how pretty the noises she's making are, and the way her tits jiggle with every stroke - he can't last.

"M'sorry," Harry groans as his stomach starts to tense, "M'coming, you feel so good. You're gonna make me come."

With that, he's speeding up and pounding in harder than before - YN’s hand reaches down to rub expertly at her clit until she's clenching up around him and whimpering as her thighs shake.

Harry pulls out after a moment, ducking to grab his discarded tee shirt to clean them both up - he knows his cheeks are twinged pink with embarrassment.

"Hey," YN giggles, grabbing his attention and squishing his cheeks between her hands as she grips his chin, "Don't get all shy on me now."

"M'not being shy," Harry pouts as his words are muffled from his cheeks being smooshed, "I just look like a dickhead, I just came in a fuckin' minute."

YN rolls her eyes, fuck she's so pretty, her skin was literally glowing, "So what? Just means we get to practice more."

Harry chuckles, already feeling the tension ease form his chest, "For the rest of our lives. I only want this with you, ever. My body is yours."

"And I will always love it," YN murmurs more seriously, forehead pressed against his, "I love you for you. I accept you for you. You’re perfect and you're enough."

And after this, Harry never ever doubts that YN is the one for him - not in a few days or a decade when they're married and have four little babies running around that look just like him.

-

You are never alone.

There is always someone ready to listen, there is no struggle too little or too big.

The world needs you here.

Trans Crisis Line

LGBTQIA+ Crisis Talk, Chat, or Text

[kiyomi-86]

rtc school headcannons!!!

------------------------------------------

ocean --

- 1000% the teachers pet in every class

- top of her class (and ofc she's in all honors) except any language class, and it makes her rlly mad because she got an 89 overall in Spanish one semester in middle school (yikes..)

- only has a few friends because alot of people think she's annoying, she doesn't mind too much because she thinks being academically better means in the end she will succeed more (she dies anyway) (this is paining me to write)

- loves math, english, science, and choir the most

- some of the teachers don't like her because she can be a bit much

---------------------------------------------

constance --

- theater kid but strictly a tech kid, would not think about acting

- ocean was the one who convinced her to join choir

- has a really good grade in science and English and like average grades for the other classes

- pretty well known for how nice she is, definitely friends w alot of nice ppl, but sometimes people try to use her for stuff because she tends to be a people pleaser

- teachers like her because she's quiet and non disruptive

- had to go to detention once and almost cried

----------------------------------------------

mischa --

- skips class like alot

- got suspended once for bringing alcohol to school

- has bad or avg grades in most classes (C's D's, probably an F or two at one point lets be real) except languages, he's good at that for some reason.

- it's hard for him to find a purpose for standard academics, he moreso wants to do the minimum for a well paying full time career to save to move to Ukraine (THIS PAINS ME TO WRITE GOOD LORDDD)

- he's not really popular but not like a loner, has a few friends but doesn't get too close to too many people

- gets his phone confiscated alot for texting talia in class

--------------------------------------------

noel --

- definitely an art and drama kid, tried band freshman year on clarinet and hated it

- english smart, especially when the assignment in poetry.

- avg grades, but always has an A+ in english

- has a few friends, some people don't like him because he's gay (my school reference?!)

- sketches drawings of Monique in class when he's bored

---------------------------------------------

ricky--

- gets ignored alot, doesn't really have any friends outside choir

- he's really smart in general but rarely acknowledged due to his disability (ouch)

- sometimes thinks abt zolar in classes when he's bored

- he has high grades (A's, maybe a B once in a while)

- teachers don't really pay too much mind to him, since he can't speak they don't call on him

- he doesn't get bullied because the last time he did like half the choir went after them. didn't happen again though.

------------------------------------------

SORRY IM NOT WRITIJG FOR PENNY/JANE 😭💔

[meanbossart]

Another ask compilation!

There already is some! If you search up "orin the red" in my blog there's some art to be found of them together (after you scroll by all the essay length replies to asks I've gotten about her 🤦) and I definitely want to draw more of it in the future.

(This ask is referring to mine and @barbatusart comics, not my silly BG3 stuff, just in case anyone gets confused) ALAS, Sad Sack and Sortie seem to be what me and Nick have taken to calling part of the Unpublishable Triad: It's Gay, It's Violent, and it's too long. The point is that publishers don't want anything to do with it. We've actually gotten really close once, signed a contract and everything, but then the place gained some traction and decided they didn't want us in their repertoire anymore.

We've considered self-publishing again and again, but unfortunately we don't really have the financial means for something like that. We hope as we expand and entertain slightly less erm outrageous stories that we will come across some new opportunities.

(more asks below the cut)

AGREED, I don't think there's much of a way for me to both keep him in character AND keep her alive (since she has such a problem with Shadowheart) but if Shadowheart hadn't been mega racist I bet Lae'zel and DU drow would have had a lot of funny conflict (he would have relentlessly looked down on her blind faith) broken up with their mutual love for senseless violence. Probably at least 1 rage fuck in there before Astarion came peacocking in.

Thank you!

Not really, I don't really like dividing my attention with other things when I draw, not to mention that I do a lot of picking things up and putting them down again which doesn't seem very apt for art-streaming.

THANK YOU SO MUCH DUDE! I Nick is the sole writer behind the original series and of 95% of Sortie (I butt in there here and there because I'm also a huge Sal fan lol) so all the dope semiotics and symbolism are thanks to him and his big, beautiful brain. I'm beyond lucky to have found someone so talented to work with.

Thank you so much again for your patronage and support, I'm glad you have been enjoying the rest of our work!!!

THANK YOU!!! I draw a lot of inspiration from western comics, and I'm a big fan of the art of Sean Murphy and Jason Shawn Alexander. I was also reading JtHM and Hellsing in middle school which I'm sure caused some kind of irreversible damage to my psyche.

LOL, IT'S AN HONOR TO BE THE FREAK OF THE FANDOM, and it's a joy to hear that I've given you and your friends some good laughs. Thank you!

---

I have a ton of other sweet messages that I can't reply to individually without risking turning this into a LOOK-AT-ME fest, but as always thank you so much to everyone who decides to drop by with a nice word of encouragement, support, or just to let me know that they enjoy my characterizations, I very much appreciate it!

[daughter-of-sapph0]

The people arguing that "oh it's just a silly word don't be so mad" reminds me of the comic "Trigger Warning: Breakfast" and how even the simplest word can hold memories of trauma for someone else.

not to be too personal, but you're absolutely right. my experience isn't the same as everyone else, but I've specifically grown up and dealt with a shit ton of trauma.

I was raised and treated as a boy up until high school. but never one of "the boys". I was always an outcast. as young as first grade, I remember even the teacher saw me as something other than a boy. she said "they boys in this class are way too loud" and when I said I wasn't talking, she said "oh not you, I was referring to the Boys". the few friends I had treated me differently than the other boys at school. I was constantly told I wasn't allowed to enjoy something or participate in an activity because it wasn't for me. I was excluded by boys and girls my age.

I was called a faggot in 2nd grade. at that time I didn't even know what being gay was. it certainly wasn't talked about the same as it is today, and definitely wasn't mentioned to 8 year olds. but I remember it, as clear as day. Marcus called me a faggot because I committed the unforgivable homosexual crime of wearing velcro shoes. I didn't even know it was supposed to be bad at first. when I told a teacher "Marcus said my shoes make me a faggot. what does that mean?" they wouldn't tell me, and instead said I should learn to tie my laces.

I went to a small catholic middle school. there were 18 kids in the entirety of 6th grade. I don't know why or how, but most of them found some aspect of my personality to hate and use against me. "you like Nintendo games? you draw anime? you play with Legos? you don't like basketball? you answered a question in class too quickly? you've never had a girlfriend? your uniform is a handmedown? well then you're just a faggot. a downey (a nickname they had for people with down syndrome). a pussyboy. a cocksucker. a retard. an n word (I was white, and so was everyone else in my grade, so this one made the least sense).

I told my dad that I was being bullied because I didn't play basketball. instead of defending me, calling the school, teaching me strategies to deal with bullying, or even just showing an ounce of support... he taught me how to fight and forced me to sign up for basketball. I played basketball for all three years of middle school. jv in 6th grade, varsity in 7 and 8th. I sucked. I scored maybe 20 points in all my games throughout the entirety of three years. I was the shortest player, not athletic at all, had terrible hand-eye coordination, and just outright sucked. I wanted to quit every single day. I skipped going to practice and hid in the bathroom. I never felt like I was part of the team. they always excluded me. the coach gave me about five minutes of game time out of pity, only at the end of a game and only if we were losing terribly. every other time I was on the bench the entire game. not that I cared. I'd rather not play at all.

I got a girlfriend in 7th grade mainly out of peer pressure. there was a girl I liked in the 6th grade, who I'm just gonna call P for privacy reasons. me and P were really close friends. we liked the same video games and youtubers and shows and music and art. she was super creative and funny. although neither of us knew why, she was bullied as much as I was. looking back, we both had severe undiagnosed autism and adhd. I never really liked her romantically though. I thought she was nice and really wanted to hang out with her and I even kissed her a couple times. but I really wasn't interested in women at the time. when I told her, we had a huge break up that summer, they told everyone I cheated on them, and we didn't talk at all for most of my 8th grade. eventually we got back together, and were friends in high school. it seems really mean to say that the only reason I dated her was to stop people from calling me gay. but it was part of the reason why I did date her.

I was in chorus in middle school. I was a pretty good singer and had a nice range. I was always bullied because of it, but I didn't care. chorus met every month at one of the catholic high schools. it was a big meeting of people from all the catholic schools in the county. and at the end of the year there was a big performance. it was the one thing about catholic school I actually honestly enjoyed.

there was one kid who was probably the biggest bully. Jacob was the only person shorter than me, and was probably bullied just as bad as I was when he was back in 5th grade before I arrived. and he took out all his anger on me. constantly picking on me, punching me, slapping me. he used to sit behind me on the bus and poke my head. I tried to move seats and change busses. but nothing worked. one day, I was fed up. I used my father's advice and slapped him in the face. not hard, but enough to say "stop fucking with me".

Jacob ran home crying. he told his parents, and his parents called the school, and the school called my parents. I was suspended for a week, because I lightly slapped a bully in the face after he repeated punched me and called me a retarded faggot pussyboy. even though I told teachers and parents multiple times that Jacob was a problem, no one cared until he started crying.

I was forced to write a handwritten apology to him. I fell behind after being out of school for a week. I was forced to quit chorus. I had to call my grandma, who was dying with cancer at the time, that I wouldn't be at the chorus concert she had been looking forward to all year.

I attempted suicide twice. once by cutting, once by hanging. I felt like shit. I felt like no one, not even my own parents, cared about me. I had no idea what was wrong with me. after one of my teachers got aggressive with me and pulled my arm too hard, I tried to run away from home. I was too afraid to tell them what happened, because either they wouldn't believe me, or I'd get in trouble for being a victim of abuse. to this day, I've never told my parents that one of my teacher's grabbed me. but I do know that the particular person in question is no longer a teacher, and also probably dead too.

I went to a public high school. not too many people from middle school went to the same high school, but a few did. namely P and Jacob. freshman year was rough. I took chorus class, but did really badly in my other classes. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had major major major depression. near the end of that year, my mom took my to a psychiatrist. they prescribed me vyvanse and lexipro. at first I didn't want to take any pills. I had the horrible idea in my head that they would change me and make me a different person. but eventually I did start taking them. my suicidal thoughts went away, my grades improved, and I started making more friends.

sophomore year was much better. I hung out with P and friends from chorus a lot. I took an art class with the best teacher ever. I started to explore my sexuality since I finally had a support system. I became more active on tumblr and remade my blog which I still have to this day.

about halfway through the year, there was a school shooting. it happened right in front of my art classroom. I saw someone get shot and fall to the floor. as our class hid, hearing the paramedics desperately try to save a girl from being shot through her skull, and armed cops storm the halls, I cried and wondered how this could happen, and why it was happening to us. because someone was shot right in front of our classroom, they had to clean up the hallway before we were allowed to evacuate. eventually we were moved to a different room, but not before being escorted by a tile floor stained red with blood. I found out that a classmate of mine, J, was shot in the head and was in the hospital in critical condition. another boy was shot in the leg and injured. and the shooter killed himself. I held out hope that J would survive. when I heard that she was taken off life support, I stopped taking my pills, and regressed back into depression.

school was canceled for about a month after that. everyone was hurt. our entire class was given therapy. I spent years trying to get the image of a dead body out of my head. I looked for support everywhere I could. I was active on a social media platform called google plus at the time, which was like if reddit and 4chan had a baby, and that baby was a website populated by 13 year olds who made an account to comment on youtube videos and decided "you know what? what the hell. I'll use this". it was absolute hell. when I talked about my experience and survivor's guilt, I was bullied and harassed and called a liar and told to kill myself for trying to "take away people's guns".

eventually, I met a friend in my Spanish class. his name was T. and he helped me through a super rough time in my life. we were close, both identified as pansexual, liked the same video games, and both used tumblr. we soon started dating, and he helped me learn more about transgender people. it was at this time I started to identify as nonbinary. no one treated me like I was a boy, so why should I be bothered to identify as one? this was so freeing. I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I started going to my local PFLAG meetings and talking about my experience with others. meeting other queer people, both in school and out of school, helped me feel... normal.

junior year was healing for me. I started driving lessons, took chorus again, took an art class with T, and spent more time with him. eventually, I started to realize that being nonbinary wasn't right for me. I wondered if I could identify as a trans woman, but felt I didn't deserve to. I didn't want to play into the autogynophile myth, and I felt like wanting to be a woman was something that other people deserved but not me. being online during the rise of jkr's hate movement against trans people did not help at all. but with tons of love and support, T helped me, and I started publicly using she/her pronouns at school.

I told my mom, and I'll always remember the day I came out to her, Feb 7th 2019. the day I started living. she started taking me to her woman's group therapy, and there I spoke with a therapist who diagnosed me with gender dysphoria and recommended I start hormones as soon as possible. I was put on a wait list, but had no idea what the time frame would be like.

coming out to my dad was worse. he was cutting fish on the back of his truck with a huge knife. I told him "hey, the reason my is taking me to her therapy sessions. it's because I think I might be a woman. I think I'm transgender." and after a pause, I told him "I'm sorry" before running inside and crying. for the briefest of moments, I was worried he would hurt me with the knife. I know now that he would never do such a thing. but I at the time I was scared of him and how he would react.

that summer, me and T broke up since they were going away for college, but we remained friends. it was also around this time where I started to learn a bit about kink and s&m. I also changed my blog name to daughter-of-sapph0 at this time I'm pretty sure.

summer ending quickly, and I started senior year. I was dual enrollment, which meant I took high school classes in the morning and courses at community college in the afternoon. I had some amazing high school teachers, but was unfortunately stuck with Jacob for two of my four classes. I also took sociology and art courses at college. I was starting to feel better about myself. it was around this time that I started looking into Judaism as a religion, and considered converting.

around the end of 2019, I was pretty active online. I had a decent presence on twitter, mostly in telling transphobes and nazis to kill themselves. my main claim to fame is calling Graham Lineham a sad pathetic wet fart who spends his time jerking off to tranny porn and then going on twitter and saying we deserve to die. he replied to me directly and called me a groomer, despite me being 17 at the time. I pointed that out, and asked him if calling minors "pedophiles" on twitter is why his wife left him, only to be blocked by him immediately after. that was honestly my proudest moment ever.

it was also around this time that I made the worst mistake of my life. I posted a selfie on a lesbian subreddit, and received a few positive comments, mainly from other trans lesbians. and then I had my first ever stalker. this person harassed me everywhere. I complained to the mods, but all they could do was ban them from the subreddit. they somehow managed to find my tumblr, and then my twitter. they made multiple accounts and sent me rape and doxx threats daily. I tried reporting them everywhere I went. when I spoke out and went public about my abuse and stalking and harassment and rape threats, they called me a liar and started a smear campaign against me on twitter. I went pretty inactive on tumblr, completely remade my twitter, and never touched reddit again. eventually, the harassment slowed down.

I had been out as a woman for about a year now. the misgendering and harassment at school was infrequent, but manageable (okay that's a lie). but I do have one positive memory. me and a few other seniors had permission to drive to school. one of those seniors was Jacob. and he drives like a fucking asshole. him and his friend both drive at the exact same speed on the only two lane road, making it impossible for me to pass. one day I tried to pass my driving in the median, only for them to speed up. I needed to get up to like 80mph before I was able to safely pass one of them. the other one quickly sped up and passed me. as the road changed to one lane, I was trapped between them, as one of them constantly break checked me and the other tailgated me. after I got home safely, I got both their plates and reported them for irresponsible and reckless driving. idk if anything came of it. but the next day I asked Jacob's friend if he drives a red truck because his driving sucks. he said he didn't, some other short white boy did. I said "oh sorry. you two look exactly the same, so I can't tell you apart" and he came up with the incredible comeback "you look like a girl", to which I responded "yes, thank you for noticing." this was honestly the proudest moment of my life.

the second half of my senior year was going pretty well. really the only things that could ruin it are a spike in transphobic violence, my stalker coming back to harass me even more, and a massive society-halting pandemic that puts everything on pause and ruins my dreams of college and sends me into a depressive spiral that I try desperately to heal through sex. good thing that wouldn't happen. right?!?

I'd write more, but I'm exhausted. it's late for me right now. I'm sorry for using this anon to traumadump and give my whole life story, but I feel it's important to share.

I have ptsd. I've struggled with trauma and depression and suicide my entire life. I've constantly been seen as lesser, unworthy, disgusting, horrible, wrong. sometimes it's big things like constant bullying or rape threats or someone trying to kill my while driving. other times is as simple as a single word.

I'll refrain from giving the 2020-2024 life story for right now. but I hope that reading this at least gives you a bit of insight into the trauma that I had to deal with growing up. and I'm one of the lucky ones. I have supportive parents and friends and therapy and hormones and basically everything I need to survive. and I still attempted suicide multiple times, I still have trauma, I still was harassed and threatened and stalked. imagine how much worse it is for other people who aren't as fortunate as me.

it's "just a word". if it's so small and meaningless, then you can just choose to not use it. it's not that hard. we're asking, begging, for the bare minimum level of respect here. and you can't even give us that.

[ghostfrog28]

Episode 4 Of My Greasefire Life!!

There is so much to talk about from this episode!

First of all, love that each member of the Greasefire trio (that’s what I’m calling them) has Lenna’s phone number. My headcanon is that her and Denny’s shit talk about the customers from their respective restaurants.

Second, I want to see more of Ashley’s roommates! They both are very funny and I want to see more of their dynamic with Ash, as well as how they would be with Thad and Denny’s.

Also, it’s kind of cute and funny to think of Ash going home and then just ranting to his roommates about his crush on Denny’s, similar to how girls in middle school would about the boys they like.

Third, Thad is Bi 🩷💜💙!! Love that for our lovable himbo! I do wonder what Duke was talking about when Thad said Duke was always “too much” that that wasn’t the only thing leading to them breaking up 🤔 if that sentence made sense.

Fourth, every time Lexi speaks, my burning hatred for her increases! She is such a bitch, not only for the way she talked about Ashley and how she talks to Denny’s, but what she said about Kelsey and Lin too!(I hope I spelled their names right) Especially Kelsey, cuz I’m not sure if it’s just me but Kelsey gives me lesbian vibes and her and Lin are like the “Straight Friend x Gay Friend” kind of duo. In short, I hate Lexi more now.

Alright! After that little tangent, I have more art for Sophie! (Escaped, these episodes are causing me to draw her so much, they might be the OC I’ve made the most drawings for)

I made Sophie more of a revealing kind of outfit for this episode since they were going to a party so there’s two pictures for this drawing, one showing some more of her tattoos and such and the other with the other clothes on top of it

Here is the first image without the other parts of her outfit. She has a few other tattoos such as a yin yang on her left arm

and on her left leg she has an Irish flower called a Fuchsia

as well as a quote.

"What runs down from the eye is not its water, but a soul which melts and drips."

There aren’t any other tattoos on her right arm but on their right leg they have a red telephone booth for her friend Alyssa who lives in Britain

as well as another quote.

"Crawl inside this body, find me where I am most ruined - love me there."

Also, she does have SH scars that I wanted to point out, since those were a bit more of her lore

I’ll write her story some other time and what led to those scars.

That’s all for that part, here is what the complete outfit looks like.

She also has converse, as well as combat boots. She also has another tattoo kind of peaking out from the cropped tank their wearing but I’ll show that in another drawing.

That’s all for this post, sorry it was so long. Great episode, can’t wait for more!

[calyxthenerd]

i cannot explain what’s going down, i can see you standing next to me, in and out, somewhere else right now

“Welcome to the first anual MMIBD, multiversal mentally ill blonde dinner, I am Magnus Chase, pronouns he/him and I am pansexual and dead, as the most magical one here, I am hosting this event, please state your name, pronouns, identity and any fact about yourself you might find relevant to share”

“I guess I’ll go first, I’m Wilhelm, he/him, gay and my boyfriend is a wonderful musician” he smiles fondly, thinking about Simon

“Okay, that was unbelievably sappy, I’m Ámbar Benson-Smith, she/her, bisexual and I’m really into rollerskating”

“Hey, I’m Ambrosius, I refuse to share my last name because… just no, I’m gay, I use he/him pronouns and I’m pretty good with swords” that last part made Ámbar and Magnus snicker, thinking of dirty jokes about gay guys and swords

“Uh, I suppose It’s my turn? I’m Cole Mackenzie, I like boys, I don’t know what those words you’re saying mean, but I guess I’m a he? and I really like to draw” he scratches his head

“Oh yeah, sorry Cole, I forgot you probably wouldn’t know what those words meant, so, basically, Gay means attracted to only men, I don’t think that will come up right now, but lesbian means attracted to just women, bisexual means attracted to both, and pansexual means attraction regardless of gender” Magnus explained

“Alright…” Cole is still confused, but decided to just roll with it, because think about the existence of other universes was already giving him a headache, he could hardly think of a world outside of PEI, whole other universes? That was way too much for him, if Anne was here, she’d probably be spouting nonstop question to these people, but him… he didn’t know what to do

Magnus frowned at the boy, but shook his head, if he needed clarification on anything, he could ask “anyways, moving on to the next segment, who here has a significant other?” all hands are raised, but Cole still looks confused “As in romantic partner” he clarifies

“Oh, I don’t have one of those, but my friend Anne is very romantic and she’s the person I trust most in the world” he grins

Wilhelm smiles, remembering Felice “I have a friend like that too”

“Okay, guys, very heartwarming, but we’re kind of on a schedule here, and if I don’t get you back to where you belong in under an hour I’ll have several pantheons on my ass” Magnus rants

“Alright, you want us to talk about our partners, right? my boyfriend’s name is Simón-“ Ámbar starts, trying not to think about the existence of gods, but gets interrupted

“No way!! mine too!” Wilhelm beams

“Cool” she deadpans “don’t interrupt me, I’ve burned down buildings before, and if you try me, I’ll do it again” he shut his mouth “as I was saying, my boyfriend, Simón, is a musician, he plays in a band, they’re actually on tour right now, and he’s one of the only people who accept me even after my… less than stellar past” she smiles softly

“Oh! Me next!” Wilhelm calls out “My boyfriend Simon, is a musician, he was in our old school’s choir before it got shut down, and we were on a trip across Europe when I showed up here, speaking of which, aren’t people gonna realize we’re gone?” He furrows his eyebrows

“Yeah, I have a job and none of my employees are competent enough to handle it without me” Ámbar pipes in

“I’m in the middle of a sculpture and it can’t dry before I’m finished with it” Cole continued

“My whole kingdom is counting on me to spearhead the reform of our government” Ambrosius stated

Wilhelm winces “okay, you win dude, and my country could definitely use a reform… I have some work to do when I get back” he concluded

“Don’t worry guys, when you get back, no time will have passed in your worlds, anyways, my partner’s name is Alex, she’s the most badass shapeshifter who’s ever existed and she kills with pottery tools” he smiles, a lovesick grin

“She what- with a- what kind of world do you live in?” Ambrosius babbles

“A very complicated one, now, it’s your turn”

“Oh, my boyfriend, Ballister, he’s the smartest person I know, he graduated top of our class, he built his own robot arm, and kinda adopted/got adopted by a tiny shapeshifter, who’s also huge, who’s also a creature of pure light and darkness?” He ponders

“Yeah, they can be a lot of work, but it’s so worth it” Magnus’ lovesick grin shines through again, before a horn sounds and he looks at a clock on the table “shit, we didn’t even get to eat, a shame, the food here is delicious, well, I gotta send you back, before someone barges in and starts killing you, since you can’t revive like us” he finishes

“I’m sorry, wha-“ Ámbar goes back to her BA, where she was in the mansion’s living room, chatting with Luna about the next Open music, she breathed, trying to act natural and listen to her cousin’s ramblings and just nodded along

“What do you mean by tha-“ Cole got transported back, to his studio at Aunt Jo’s, and he just sighed, going back to his sculpting, with his mind far away, as he tried to process what just occurred

“You said you were dead, was it tru-“ Wilhelm blinked and he was back in Sara’s beat up car, as they passed the Champs Elyseé, trying to find their way out of Paris, he looked out the window, his mind still reeling from the events that occured

“I beg your par-“ Ambrosius was suddenly back where he was previously having a picnic with Ballister and blinked several times, before taking a sip of his juice and trying to act normal

By the time they wake up tomorrow, they’ll have forgotten it, Magnus thought, as he exited the room, flopping down on a couch, where Alex also sat “what were you doing in there?” the shapeshifter asked

“Kidnapped some people for a dinner party” he explained, laying down across her lap

“Huh, the usual then” she answered, massaging his scalp

[twinkpriest]

Omg.... Please share your headcanons about the goth kids

>:3c mwahahaha i hope youre ready anon (cracks knuckles)

also i need share credit bc all of these were jointly created in my bf @lilachawk and i's dms <3

general:

their group chat is called "the cavern of darkness", they named it that in middle school and never changed it. any time they refer to it in verbal speech they just call is "the cavern"

they do secret santa every year. they draw names from michael's plastic viking helmet

they all definitely have their non-goth-music guilty pleasures but the main one they all have in common is lady gaga. her 2009 vma performance won their respect

they're still decent friends with stan and get invited to his birthday party every year. sometimes they go sometimes they don't

michael:

november scorpio

i'm gonna ignore how all of the houses in town are laid out because i firmly believe he has an attic bedroom. every wall/ceiling surface is covered in posters and stuff. full bookshelves, lots of tchotchkes, old concert ticket stubs, that kinda stuff. maximalism baby!!

gay gay homosexual gay

has a long haired black cat named bella (short for belladonna). rescued her from a snowstorm

him saying his parents were separated in raisins was just him being #edgy & his parents shown in gk3 are his actual parents. they never got divorced. he was raised interfaith jewish and buddhist. 

he has ehlers-danlos. i always give him ring splints in my drawings. the cane is actually needed sometimes

drives his dad's old camaro. the engine is really loud and it holds up like shit in the wintertime but he’s secretly really fond of the car

got a part time job at the only respectable record store in town junior year

pete:

water sign. pisces or cancer

only child of a single father who does construction work. his dad doesn't quite understand the goth thing but he's supportive

bi king. had a normie girlfriend in highschool. not for long, but it was still a very weird experience for everyone involved

super into comics, esp indie stuff. dream job is definitely to be a comic book artist

if the shirt+bolo tie wasn't a giveaway, he's lowkey into western vibes/influences. he probably has one of those old dramatically fringed suede jackets that he found in a local goodwill

really puts the Y in diy, probably the best & most creative out of the 4 of them when it comes to altering clothes and making accessories and shit

bites his nails/picks his skin

has a pet rat named boris

a little transmasc pilled if u ask me....

henrietta:

probably a virgo

mean lesbian <3

she stays designated driver for most of high school but later on, her and michael kinda divvy up friend group driving responsibilities. she is still the default though, because when michael drives she’s an intense backseat driver

she drives her mom's horrible subaru most of the time but she 100% would be the person to save up and buy a hearse as her daily car

is always the first to hear about local shows. she just knows people

i looooove the recurring thing in fics where she is the one to dye pete's hair. she does the sally’s run & dyes/trims his hair and in exchange he fixes rips in her clothes or superglues the soles back onto her shoes or something like that 

loves those new age crystal incense dragon hippie stores you see in malls. secretly likes the cool fairy statues they sell in them

firkle:

april aries

SUPER into vulture culture. has too many bones and not enough space for them

likes harsh noise music. calms him down

sends the strangest, most esoteric memes in the group chat and the rest of them have no idea where he finds them or what they mean

sorry i have like nothing else for firkle he kinda eludes me

[forffax]

returning the favor with oc asks since i always wanna hear about yours !! if you had to pick like your top 5 favorite characters who would they be and why 👀 bonus if you want to pick your favorite like settings/worlds/universes youve made for ocs too!

OOOUH thank u chase!!!

I'm gonna list out my favs then talk abt my main oc universe a bit ^_^

This got ridiculously long so it's going under a readmore <3

1. Tos Family (sorry this is going to be. the whole family bc I cannot possibly choose between them)

i. Lux Tos (he/him)

(realizing now i haven't drawn him in a hot fuckin minute)

MY DAD. guy of all time ever. everyone's favorite half-human time traveling alien war vet. it always feels weird referring 2 him as part alien even if it's technically true sdjfgs. fun lore fact: he was the Dead Older Brother in original iteration Zephyr's Sad Backstory but I liked him too much so I decided he got to live <3

Lux is one of my older ocs that I still actively draw and think abt (late middle school...) and he's changed a LOT over the years but he's so so so dear to me. my guy who has Seen the Horrors and is now happily gay married with a kid :') sdfkjsk most things abt his story is just me being So Incredibly Self Indulgent (cool powers, complicated sibling relationships, gay) but it makes me happy and I love sharing it with ppl! Someday Voided 2 will be real and ready to share with the world...

ii. Ferdinand Tos (he/him)

Dad....2!!!!!! I don't remember when exactly I thought him up but it was probably around when Lux's backstory was getting a major overhaul... He's a man out of time he's training to be a doctor and his will to live is so strong he spent the better part of nearly two decades building himself a new body! Guys who died but got better <3. I think I literally got brain blasted one day and decided he's a non-op trans man and it was the best thing ever for him actually. He's a southern californian stuck in the cold northwest (probably. either that or the northeast im not settled on that aspect yet skdjfs). He's been super fun to write from a worldbuilding perspective too bc his main goal is to pioneer a new branch of medicine using his powers! His relationship with Lux and the rest of the family (and his reconciliation with his sister) is sooooo important 2 me :]

iii. Athanasius Tos (she/her)

THANAAAAA most normal sibling (lie). She was adopted formally right after Lux "died" and had a bit of a complex about just being a "replacement" for a good while, and she THOUGHT she had worked through that when Lux suddenly re-appeared... they're on great terms now but it was Tense. She's a biochemist and probably makes the most out of the household (she shares an apartment with Zeph!) It's very important 2 me that she can let herself be vulnerable with her family and close friends after years of bottling everything up... Epic nerdy autistic butches in your area <3 Fun fact she is the only full human of the main cast!

iv. Zephyr Tos (she/him)

My fuckign auncle. Within the story she only recently realized he was bigender and is much happier for it, even if you couldn't tell by her permanent scowl skjdfgs. Zeph was the original protag (along with Thana) of the short story I wrote in middle school that turned into Voided 2! In-universe he was very clearly supposed to be the protag but missed/ignored the "call to action" phase and just got a shitton of Issues and Traumas instead <3 She's so everything 2 me he's a freelance writer/artist she's kinda cringe and he is trying only as hard as she absolutely needs to in order to get by. While his relationship with Lux is MUCH better than it was when Lux first came back, she's completely inseparable from Thana and would do anything for her (I feel like they spent equal times protecting each other from bullies as kids...) He's changed so much from her original incarnation but developing him has been SO much fun <3 Since Voided 2 runs on real-world time (in that I have specific real-world dates for most major events) she turned 50 fairly recently and that's fucked but also funny. old.

v. Alan Tos (any)

Alan! Love this kiddo. He's Lux and Ferdinand's adoptive kid! Xe doesn't learn about it for a while but she was a government secret experiment test-tube baby (they were trying to artificially fuse souls together, distantly related to the later Child Soldier School ze was placed into) (kid cannot catch a break). He's a good kid, if not a little clueless and naive... someone who would hold no ill-will if you had to cut their leg off (this is not a hypothetical GJSKDS). Somehow, despite all this, she is by far the most Normal out of xer family <3 His fashion sense is some kind of spectrum between 60s businesswoman and scene and tbh? Very fun to draw! Her friends and family are very very dear to them and at the moment xe's just kind of letting life take zem wherever.

2. Vague (it/they)

unauthorized fucking thing kill it with hammers NOW!!!!!

Vague started as I think just a proxy for myself in vent art I drew in like early high school sdhjfgds they have since become. something. my mascot I guess? (I still end up using it for vent art sometimes bc it's functionally unkillable and it's fun 2 get narsty sometimes.)

originally it was just the weird cat-shaped angel thing but a couple years ago I gave them a human design that I really love too <3 vague technically has a place in Niko and my other cat furry ocs' story but their human form exists in the real world and is just Like That i think. vague is just a little guy okay? they're sorry about crying and bleeding all over the place (not bc it sees any issue with this they just noticed you looked upsetskjdfhs)

3. Niko (he/they)

Baby's first fursona! Niko was always mostly his own character but now that I have new This is Just Me sona(s), they've been officially retired from that front <3 Niko's story is mostly planned out, I just desperately need to write it somewhere skjdbfs but the gist is that Niko works a shitty minimum wage call center job and finds meaning and love through forming a band with people he happens to meet... also there's some whistleblowing and betrayal and vague slams down out of the sky at some point <3 Niko's band doesn't have a name but they're the lead vocalist! (Niko 🤝 Blue (is blue and sings in their band)) This is a universe where everyone is cat furries simply bc I wanted to design lots of cat furries but also I haven't drawn like half of his bandmates/friends.... orz

Fun fact I found my original doodles of him in an old math notebook and apparently I seriously considered the name "chandler" for them. Help,

4. Larkspur (they/them)

Laaark my friend lark :] they're my player character for a friend's tabletop campaign! *hands you a bug* *hands you a bug* *hands-

Their design was super fun to come up with and they're fun to play as :] They were raised on a farm and have a deep love for animals (insects in particular), but they have a hard time connecting with others and understanding why people act the way they do.. They wear an eyepatch to cover their multiple other eyes bc it gives them bad sensory overload to see with them! They also spent quite a bit of time as a bounty hunter before they were blacklisted from further work bc they let a target escape on purpose... Lark is a ranger/bard and they play the hurdy-gurdy! They're dear to me and I really need to draw them more sjdfhgs

5. Chungy Fresh (she/he/they)

Chungy my belungy.... she's a mimic who spent most of his life being a chest in the temple of a forgotten goddess until they gained sentience and saw a fursuit from far away and decided yep! I'm gonna look like that Now <3 She didn't get all the details right but he's never been happier! I think Chungy spawned from me drawing a weird fox thing and simultaneously thinking "hey wouldn't it be funny if a character had a verbal text/forum signature and it was also their name" skdjfgjskdfls. Chungy is def up there with "most fun ocs of mine to draw" bc she's so Noodly and Malleable... I started playing as him in a friend group's tabletop oneshot thingy (where multiple ppl write different unrelated oneshots but we use the same characters for each session) and it has been a lot of fun!

OKAY OC UNIVERSE TIME. I call my main oc story "Voided 2" bc it takes place in the same universe as my v personal self insert oc story "Voided" that I have been working on/writing/thinking abt since late middle school... It's kinda vaguely modern fantasy/sci-fi? Main things are that there are beings born at the beginning of the universe made of pure energy called Lunoirs. There are countless universes, and each universe has Lunoirs in some capacity. They mainly exist to "keep the balance," but if you ask any specific Lunoir what that means you'll get a million different answers. Mainly they gravitate towards any life within their universe and integrate with them, observing them and protecting them from Shadows and Vacares. Shadows are the unliving souls that will eventually be reborn and reformed into a living soul inside any given universe-- they exist in the space between universes, called the Void. the Void looks different to any being that crosses into it, and it's hard to say what its "true" nature is. Vacares are Lunoirs that have had their souls corrupted and eaten, usually by other Vacares. While Shadows, being amalgamations of soul energy, are strictly neutral, Vacares seek to cause chaos and eat more Lunoir souls, increasing their numbers in a vain attempt to satisfy their endless hunger.

The Lunoir population on Earth is fairly numerous, and since Lunoirs can take on whatever form they choose, many of them live and love and have children with humans, making partial-lunoir children (physically they are nearly indistinguishable from full humans, save for longer lifespans, odd hair and eye colors, and sharper teeth. also they have semi-physical wings, but these have to be manually brought out and often ppl don't even know they have them (*cough* zephyr *cough*)

Lunoirs aren't fully immortal, but they have a different life cycle to most other forms of life. When a non-lunoir dies, their soul disintegrates and is amalgamated with the souls of others in the Void to become Shadows. When a Lunoir dies (outside of having their soul completely corrupted/destroyed), they instead go into a sort of stasis and are reborn later; they have no memories of their previous life (the ones on Earth don't, at least) and they can take on wildly different appearances.

Lunoirs and partial Lunoirs have powers in the form of energy manipulation, particularly when it comes to the energy of their own souls... They can use their souls to form weapons, mainly to fight against Vacares that tend to be immune to physical weapons. Most people have one weapon that they specialize in, but in a pinch nearly everyone can form a knife. Humans can manipulate their own soul energy in this way too, but this ability must be taught/"unlocked" by a Lunoir or a partial Lunoir first (Zephyr, at some point, did this for Thana without either of them realizing it). Lunoirs can also manipulate the energy of the very universe to create Rifts in time and space, sometimes leading between separate universes... These rifts also open of their own accord from time to time, and there's a good number of people who have been displaced from their time or even their universe by unwittingly falling into one.

Every living being has a "soul" (a collection of their life energy), and through a kind of "reaching out," one can feel/taste/smell/hear/see another's soul... every soul is a bit different, so this is an easy way to identify people even from a distance!

The Earth Lunoirs once had a country where they congregated called Saluria, which was the site of a brutal multi-year war against an army of Vacares that wanted reign over Earth... Many Lunoirs and partial Lunoirs across all of Earth's history felt drawn to Saluria, often willingly or unwillingly being rifted to the time of the war to go fight in it... Some partial Lunoirs especially believed it was their sacred duty, while others believed it was a curse leading them to inevitable death... there's even whispers that Saluria itself is alive, luring in young partial and full Lunoirs out of self-preservation.. who's to say. Ultimately, the Salurian War was a victory, but not an easy one.

Lux and Zephyr are half Lunoirs (their mom being full), and Ferdinand is 3/4ths Lunoir! Alan is a bit of a weird case but functionally he's also half Lunoir :]

This is v much simplifying Years of worldbuilding ssjhdfgjks and I can FEEL I missed a bunch of stuff but it's all very very dear 2 me :]

[fondueforall]

🎵You, you got your own opinions. But baby, I don't even need to hear 'em. It used to hurt me, used to bring me down. Do your worst, 'cause nothing's gonna stop me now. Don't let those losers take your magic, baby, yeah. 🎶 (let 'em talk by kesha plays automatically when you go on brittany's blog)

LIMA LOSER? OR IS THAT BRITTANY PIERCE? THEY MIGHT EVEN PASS FOR HUNTER SCHAFER IN THE RIGHT LIGHT. THEY'RE TWENTY-TWO, BUT STILL STUCK IN LIMA AT MCKINLEY. THEY'VE BEEN CALLED THE BLONDE AIRHEAD, BUT PREFER TO BE THE UNICORN. MAYBE IF THEY FIX THEIR AESTHETIC AKA LONG MOMENTS DANCING WITHOUT A CARE WITH THE MUSIC BLARING, GOSSIPING ON ALL THE DIRT OVER A TOO HOT POT OF CHEESE, AND GETTING SWEATY OUT ON THE FIELD IN A TOO SHORT SKIRT AND THE ROLLER RINK WITH THE GIRLS ON SKATES THEY'LL GET THEIR WAY. WORD ON THE SHOW CHOIR BLOGS ARE THEY'RE IN THE TROUBLETONES. SO GOOD LUCK TO THEM!

THE BASICS:

name: brittany susan pierce aka brittany s.pierce. 

nicknames: britt, b, bee, britt-britt.

pronouns: she/her. NOT IT, NOT HE/HIM. thank you.

gender: 🏳️‍⚧️ ♀️

birthday/zodiac: march 14th, pisces.

birthplace: lima, oh.

relationship status: single, but i've kissed just about every member of the senior and junior classes at mckinley.

sexuality: bisexual. 

occupation: host of fondue for two. 

sports/clubs: cheerios, dance, the muckraker, gay/straight alliance, mathletes. also it's not at school, but! i play on the local roller derby team here in lima, we're called the pinup punks. my name there is pierce the blade, i'm the jammer. i also play the drums in a band called high road.

major/minor: journalism and media communication.

languages: english, spanish, asl, and a language i invented in middle school!

social media handles: fonduefortwo professionally everywhere, fondueforbritt everywhere else for my friends.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE:

height: 5'10'’.

build: ⌛️

eye color: blue.

hair color: blonde, sometimes i clip in fun colors when i'm not in cheerio mode though.

piercings: i have a lot! four on each ear, three on my lobes and one a helix and on the other an industrial. i also have my tongue, nipples, and belly button pierced.

tattoos: i have a rainbow on my wrist, a unicorn on my lower back and a small ufo on my shoulder. a portrait of my amazing feline friend lord tubbington. (someone who is Not brittany typed that in and later brittany removed it)

other distinguishing features: good tits and a big heart. 

style: carefree and fun colors when i'm not in my cheer uniform. i love everything from bold patterns to simple ones.

PERSONALITY/INTERESTS:

traits: i like to think i’m loyal and creative, funny, friendly and pretty adventurous. but i know some people think i’m kind of stubborn and impulsive, probably naive and aloof too. also dumb or an airhead.

likes: to dance, fondue, my cats and the cats at love meow, art, math, performing, taking baths.

dislikes: bullies, being called stupid, ignorant people, conflict, injustice, feeling lonely.

fears: not being good enough or being hurt simply for being who i am.

skills: i can get out of handcuffs easily, bend pretty much my whole body, can put my feet over my head, do complicated math in my head, super good at reading peoples signs and i'm probably a lil psychic.

quirks: super bendy and flexible, does that count? double jointed, i can talk very fast, i do “voice overs”... mostly in my head.

hobbies: drawing, dancing, cheering, interviewing people, listening to true crime podcasts and alien/cryptid conspiracy theories, rollerskating, motocross.

music tastes: anything by kesha and beyonce, but also anything that i can dance to. ♪♫♬

myers-briggs: i did this because it was fun, but i can't remember i think it started with an e?

kinsey scale: 3, i'm equal opportunities.

strengths: i'm majorly talented, especially when it comes to dancing. i think people are surprised by how much i can lift too.. i also got like... an iron stomach, at least that's what my parents tell me. and despite what some people think, i'm pretty smart.

weaknesses: i get lost super easily.

She's the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker.

[squill79]

The Gay Kid

None of the other kids like me. They always make fun of me for being gay. I’m sure there are other gay kids in my school, but I’m THE gay kid. The only one who’s actually out. My name is Hunter, but most of the other kids refer to me with one of their endless supply of homophobic slurs. I thought by now we’d be over this, gay people exist, who cares? Guess my school still lives in the stone age. I haven’t told any school faculty. I don’t want them telling my parents. Plus, I’ve kinda gotten used to it by now. It’s more annoying than anything else. This morning I went to get my Spanish books. There was a penis drawing in my locker again. Hilarious. Suddenly, I felt something hit the back of my neck. “Ow!”, I yelled. I turned around and saw none other than Brandon Wallace. Brandon used to be my friend, or at least I thought he was. I thought I could trust him. He’s the only person I ever told I was gay, and he spread it around quicker than I could blink.  

“What’s up, hada?” He said to me.  

“What?” 

“Hada, that’s Spanish for fairy.” 

“Oh, did you look that up because you were thinking about me?” 

“Pfft, you wish, queer.” 

Brandon’s such a jackass. He has this obnoxious clique of annoying straight guys. Well, them and his girlfriend, he’s the only one to actually have one. She’s just as much of a bimbo as he is, laughing along with his squad about his “sick burns”.  

“You’re so funny, babe!”, she always says that. 

“Funny enough to take to the winter dance?”, real smooth. 

“Oh babe, of course!”, bleh. They then made out for like... an entire uninterrupted minute. Gross.  

“Get a room!”, I yelled. They ignored me. 

After they finally stopped, Brandon turned over to me and said, “See Hunter, this is what you can’t have!” 

“Why would I want that?”, I asked. He couldn’t answer since they went back to making out. 

I eventually got to Spanish class. I sit in the front row of the class. I don’t like being in the middle of all the other kids. “Hola class.”, my teacher, Professor Stevenson said as class began. “We have a new estudiante today!”, a kid in the back got up and walked to the front of the class. “¿Cómo te llamas?” 

“M-me llama Tyler.”, he responded. He seemed nervous. He was shaking and had a bit of a stutter. Kinda felt bad for him. Must be tough being a new kid, especially in senior year. “I’m uh... eighteen y-years old and I umm... w-well I just wanna learn.”, how inspired.  

“Well that’s great, Tyler. Muy bien.”, Professor Stevenson said as Tyler went back to his desk. He proceeded to teach the class as normal. 

I bumped into someone when exiting class that day. “Oops, I-I'm sorry.”, he said.  

“It’s no big deal.”, I replied. I then realized that the person I bumped into was Tyler. 

“Oh, it’s you from S-spanish class!” 

“My name is Hunter.” 

‘Right... you’re uh...” 

“Hunter.” 

“The gay kid?" 

“That’s what they call me.” 

“I umm... I know you d-don’t know me and that I’m new but uh... w-would you want to go to the winter dance with me? I... I’m sorry I sh-shouldn’t have asked. It’s just that all the other kids kept telling me that you’re gay and I-” 

I pondered his question as he kept on rambling. He’s a little awkward and I don’t really know him all too well, but he’s kinda cute. Plus, there are barely any other queer kids in my school, so my options are kinda limited. “Sure.”, I answered him. “Why not?” 

“Oh... oh w-wow thanks. Ok umm... we can m-meet here outside the school. Sorry I can’t pick you up, I don’t have a car.” 

“No worries, I don’t either. I’ll see you this Saturday.” 

“Yeah I-I’ll see you then.”, he said as he awkwardly skuttled away. For the first time in a while, I was actually a little excited for something.  

Saturday night, my parents were helping me get ready for the dance. “You look so good, sweetie!”, my mom told me. “This girl is gonna be so happy to see you, what’s her name again?”  

“It’s... Taylor. And thank you.” 

“Are you sure we don’t need to pick her up? Does she have a ride?”, my dad asked. 

“She has a ride, but thanks dad.” 

“Alright, good luck tonight, champ. Remember to be polite to her... but also be yourself.” 

“I don’t think I can be both of those things at the same time.” Both of my parents chuckled. 

“Make sure to call if you need anything.”, my mom told me. 

“I will, thanks mom.”  

My parents left the room so I could finish preparing. I walked downstairs to go to the bathroom when I overheard a conversation between them. “I’m so glad he finally has someone to go to a dance with.”, my mom said. “He’s such an outcast, I was worried he’d never find a girlfriend.” 

“Well, it must be hard for him.”, my dad replied. “He’s not interested in sports like most of the other boys probably are. He’s into books and anime and whatever. It’s hard for a boy like him to find the right crowd.” Gee thanks you guys. It’s great knowing that me having a “girlfriend” is so important to them. 

My dad drops me off at the school. I arrived before Tyler, so I had to wait outside for a few minutes for him to show up. He eventually arrives wearing a T shirt with sweatpants. And to think I dressed up in a fancy suit just for him. I didn’t tell him this though. Like my parents said, I didn’t want to be rude. “S-sorry I’m late.”, he said as he walked up to me. 

“No worries.”, I told him. We walked inside and I instantly felt butterflies in my stomach. Not really because of Tyler, at least not him specifically. This is the first time I’ve been seen with another guy in a semi-romantic setting. “I hope nobody stares at us.”, I said to Tyler. I was already bullied for being gay, I didn’t want it to get any worse. 

“Oh... I’m sure it won’t be that bad.”, Tyler replied. Odd that he didn’t seem so nervous about that. I guess it must be easier when you’re not the only one. It is nice to be hanging with another gay kid. I’ve been getting sick and tired of being surrounded by a bunch of heteros.  

We enter the cafeteria where the dance takes place. Me and Tyler walk in holding hands. I caught a couple of people giving us awkward looks but it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. “Let’s get some snacks and then we can dance.”, I told Tyler. 

“Sure... l-let's do that.” 

We both ate for a few and drank some punch. We didn’t really talk much in that time. A few kids walked past us whispering homophobic slurs. Nothing I’d never heard before, I just ignored them. After a little while I asked Tyler if he wanted to dance. “Let me ju-just go to the bathroom first.”, he answered. I waited about a minute for him to come back. 

“You ready now?”, I asked when he got back.  

“Y-yeah, I am.”, he responded.  

We began to slow dance to a soft romantic song. It was nice, actually. He’s not a bad dancer. We swayed for a few minutes. Eventually, however, I saw Brandon and his dumb clique behind Tyler. They were staring at us and laughing menacingly. I really didn’t feel like dealing with them. “Hey Tyler, we should lea-” Before I could finish my sentence, Tyler shoved be into the punch bowl. I was soaking wet and the juice got in my eyes. I eventually opened them to find everyone in the room staring at me, with Brandon and his gang front and center, along with Tyler. “What the hell?” 

“D-did I do good?”, Tyler asked Brandon.  

“You did great man, that was hilarious.”, Brandon answered. He then turned and pointed to me. “That’s what you get for being mildly snarky to me!” 

I looked at Tyler with contempt. “Why? Why would you do that?”  

“H-hey, I just wanted to get in with the c-cool kids. It’s nothing personal.” 

“You don’t have to be nice to him, Tyler.”, Brandon said to him. “Queers like him are always emotional.”  

I stood up and punched him right in the face, much to everyone’s surprise. “Queers like me will always bring more to this world than jackasses like you. You may have your little gang following you around and worshipping you now, but once high school is over, you’ll be nobody. Your existence will be a blip in all of our lives, best case scenario. So have fun with that.” I then left the room. He didn’t say anything, I think he was still in shock from me punching him. I went outside and called my dad to ask him to pick me up.  

“Everything alright?”, he asked. I think he could tell by my voice that it didn’t turn out well. 

“Yeah... I’m fine dad.” 

“Did she break your heart, son?” 

I began to answer. “She-”, I then paused for a moment. “He broke my heart, dad.” 

“He?” 

“Yeah... I’m sorry I never told you I was jus-” 

“It’s alright son, it really is.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. It’s ok.”  

I shed a tear as I looked up to the night sky. “Thanks dad.” 

[chillenby]

I woke up today and I just felt a spike of anger inside of me because I remembered my ex friend (for this story I'll just call her S). And I want everyone to hear this story

So me and S were really close in middle school like we did almost everything together. I was a bit dependant on her. Usually seeking her approval and shit like that.

So one day we were hanging out at her mom's work place (it was a small place where they printed stuff and it was the weekend so nobody was there) with our 2 other friends and we were having fun. Well after like 2 hours we started playing would you rather, you know as 4 girls do.

Well it was S's turn to ask someone something and she decided to ask me 'would you rather be friends with me for the rest of your life, but you can't draw or would you rather be able to draw, but we won't be friends?'. At that question I instantly said 'I can't choose both of it is really important to me'. At that age I wanted to become an artist and live of it and in my 12 year old mind I though Sarah would never be friends with me if I didn't have a job. Since I though art or nothing. She kept pressing me for an answer and then I finally chose art over her.

I left the hang out in 15 minutes because it was so quiet and Sarah was so quiet. And when I left I knew like physicaly knew that Sarah was shit talking be for my choice.

Then summer came and we barely hung out because I was busy with sports and travelling and when we all hung out they only talked about kpop. I tried to be involved and ask questions, but they ignored them or answered them vaguely. So I just stopped talking while we hung out.

Then at the start of the 8th grade her and my other friend gave me letters. In those letters they told me they don't want to be friends with me anymore because 'we used to be like sister and now we've changed. We have nothing to talk about'. It's fair, but of course we have nothing to talk about when all you 2 care about is kpop and how hot boys are. I mean H and I only talked about a few things and one of it was that we're gay. So yea.

I moved away from them and sat with one guy I'll call him 3 I thought was cool and smart (fun fact in 2th grade I 'married' that guy). So 3 and I became close since he was the chattiest mf alive and I wanted to listen to him even though for like the first two weeks I barelly spoke. And then I and 3 were added to a group chat with this weird girlv K and a friend I used to have beef with J. And now I'm close friends with J, 3 and I don't really talk anymore and I met another guy M who is fun (we call each other slurs, tell each other to kys and have the weirdest conversations imaginable, he's a great friend :) )

In conclusion I'm glad I chose art over S. Art truly makes me happy and if she were a true friend she would have been a much better friend in general and she would still be around. But she isn't. I hope she sees me and she realises how happier I am without her. I'm glad she blocked me in the 1st grade of high school. I hope she realises she was a bitch to me. I hope she thinks I hate her and don't have fond memories of her.

[worminterface]

hi there

Hi as far as you need to know my name is Matt. I am on the computer to have a good time and post bordering-on-too-personal shit on my Web Log

16, she/he, white, in the middle of the worst gender-related identity crisis I've ever had and I've had a lot of gender-related identity crises idk what the fuck I am and it's stressing me out for the time being

I shall not list my disorder/s here enough time following me and such will become obvious to the wise

I uh don't do much. sometimes I write/draw/craft etc but I don't make a habit of it. regardless my art tag is wormart

Things I like:

foraging (plants, mushrooms, + otherwise)

mycology

hazard signs and traffic signs and signage in general

radioactivity

horror movies, games, books, etc. for which I will always be up for recommendations

bone collecting/vulture culture

writing, once in a blue moon (short stories and poetry)

drugs (occasionally)

urbex? maybe ? we'll see

guitar (I'm not good at it)

My cat. my cat image tag is chloe look at her please

Music:

It's a very very mixed bag so I'm just going to list some individual artists that I like a lot Btw I like all of them in a cooler and better way than you

Barbed Wire Barbie

100 Gecs

Laura Les/osno1 (I'm sooo fucking normal about her)

GEL

MF DOOM

Akintoye

Misantropic

Jack Stauber

wych elm

Death Grips

Playboi Carti

Terrifying Girls High School

onebillion other things

While I don't consider myself punk so much as an identity, I do love punk and hardcore music and I go to shows whenever I can, my area's scene is great

I'm also in a crust/hardcore band (kind of. it's just me and my best friend atm and I can only barely play the guitar. her false chord vocals are great though). We're called Self Digestion and if we ever put anything out I'll link to it <3

my music tag is &. go through it and listen or you're gay

Also I'm a furry. I will reblog furry shit. you've been warned

Neocities coming soon (in months

woww if you've read this far you must really like me. DMs&asks are always open, feel free to talk to me even if we've never talked before :]

[r31lt4s]

today was a rollercoaster of feels except the roller coaster goes up a little bit then straight down into hell

one time I showed this rlly cool girl in my class how to do her footer in computer science and this morning she was saying things like "my footer was easy bc ‘my name’ was so nice to me for showing me this website...." and I felt rlly happy

but then, in third period I was drawing my new THERIAN AND NOT FURRY oc and one of my friends at the table saw the drawing in like ripped it up and said you're a furry

and also in third period I told the same person that I was bi and then they just randomly called me gay faggot but theres another boy in my class who is bi and that's her bsf or smth soooo....

ALSO THIS MAKES ME LIVID

so in sixth period that same person was saying things like "oh don't say shut up to me" and as a joke I say "shut up ' friend name'" and then they call me a faggot and then pull out the drawing they ripped up (they kept it for some reason) and says "you draw furries you have no reason to talk" and then they just start fucking interrogating me like "have you drawn more furries like this????" and "I dont believe this is the only one you drew"

AND THEN THEY SAID "I better not see anymore furry drawings." BITCH. YOU WENT THROUGH MY FUCKING SKETCHBOOK. THATS LIKE BREAKING KNTO SOMEONES HOUSE AND SAYING "wow your decor is ugly. I dont wanna see this again from you." AND YOU CANT JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE ME DRAW DIPSHIT.

AND THESE ARE MY NEWER FRIENDS BC I JUST MOVED SCHOOLS FOR MIDDLE AND IF I STOP TALKING TO THEM GONNA BE ALONE

AND THEY SAY THEM AS “JOKES” BUT I DONT REALLY FIND THEM FUNNY…

JUST…. AAAAAA

sorry random vent

[foundfamilynonsense]

One un-acknowledged part of queer bating is like. Sometimes tv shows try to queer bait and accidentally create the perfect aroace character.

Like Will from Stranger Things is the perfect aroace character. Season three is just him looking around and discovering all his friends are in relationships and he’s like what the hell? We’re still kids? Let’s just play dungeons and dragons like we used to?

And Mike says we all have girlfriends it’s not our fault you don’t like girls. And people call him the f-word bc of course they do. Bc he doesn’t like girls. And he’s harassed for that. And he knows he’s different. The fact he doesn’t like boys either doesn’t even matter.

And then in season four he draws this heartfelt picture where his old friend group is back together. And he’s telling Mike “you’re the heart” as in “you’re what keeps the group together. The group works through you. Without you, we aren’t friends anymore.” Bc he just moved away and he’s desperate to keep his friend group and he knows it will stay together as long as Mike keeps it together. But that’s such a close and personal and intimate conversation and guys are not supposed to acknowledge that they need their friends so badly. And what happens after he finally works up the courage? Mike goes back to talking about his girlfriend, because that’s all Will’s friends seem to care about anymore. And what was the point anyway? Mike’s only there to see El. He wouldn’t have even bothered to visit Will.

Now. Is this what the writers wanted us to take from these scenes? No. They wanted us to take that Will is gay and in love with Mike. But they don’t have the balls to come out with it so they accidentally create the perfect aroace character and plot line. Plot line about your friends “growing up” and getting crushes while you stay put. About spending hours and weeks and months trying to formulate how your friend group could stay together and realizing this one person is the load bearing friend. And then having it not matter, bc having crushes is natural for them.

But obviously the writers aren’t on our side. And the queer community isn’t on our side either bc this is so obviously pointing towards a mlm relationship and why are we trying to get in the way?

And that’s the tricky part with me and obvious queerbait. It’s that I feel like I can either see what I naturally see: a plot line that mirrors my own adolescent experience better than any other.

Or I can stand by the queer community and say of course Will loves Mike. That is what the writing is trying to get us to realize. And the fact that that the writers are doing it in bad faith with no plan to follow through is homophobic and wrong.

And of course I stand by people who want Will to be canonically gay and in love with Mike. But I also remember when I was in middle school/ just starting high school and my friend group was falling apart. And I decided that this one girl could keep us together. So I got attached to her. And this one girl started pushing me away. Probably because she thought I was gay and had feelings for her. Or just because she decided I wasn’t what she wanted anymore. And I remember sobbing over that, because these friends were all I had. Just them and my family. Bc I knew even then romance wasn’t really an option for me. And that’s so beautiful shown in Will’s story.

Too bad that’s not what I, as a member of the queer community, am supposed to think of this character. I’m supposed to be angry at queerbaiting. But… where else could I get stories like this if not from queerbaiting? Who else is telling such heart breaking stories about losing a friend when they start dating? Where else will I get such perfect aroace characters in popular media?