#in actuality i’m doing a degree while getting a couple of tafe certifications and also working

[peglarpapers]

to all the mutuals i have suddenly and abruptly dropped conversations with on here which i am now realising is several of you. it’s genuinely not personal i just lack object permanence and the vicissitudes of life are cruel and unexpected. one day we will kiss so sweetly over the din of conversation

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

If you don’t mind me asking, are you not interested in going to college? There are so many gay people to meet, esp those that don’t drink (if you join the activist gay groups or if there’s a lgbt center at school). If you’re worried about age, I have a ton of friends that are older than me and non traditional. If you’re feeling stuck, college can help push you forward! Even a few classes.

Hello anon! Thank you so much for popping in ☺️

I’m actually in Australia so we don’t have college here, we have TAFE and university. I actually started a university degree but I was doing it online because I struggle to leave the house a lot of the time. I ended up dropping out though because of my mental health I couldn’t keep up with the workload and I felt like it was pointless going into debt for a creative writing degree, and honestly right now that’s the only degree I would be interested in doing. I did tafe as well, and I actually went in person but I ended up dropping out for similar reasons. I was doing a library diploma but I couldn’t finish it because I had to travel so far to do it and I started getting scared of leaving the house and my mental health and ED got really bad around that time. So I couldn’t keep going multiple times a week. I also got very discouraged because there are like no jobs in that field near where I live. Most people at libraries are volunteers. And when they do offer jobs it is so few and far between and competitive that I just got overwhelmed. It’s a shame though because I did complete my cataloguing unit and oh my gosh did I love it; but I didn’t want to put myself through all that mental health struggle for something with such little promise at the end. After that I really really struggled to leave the house. So my psychologist recommended doing a tafe course on something I was just interested in , not in the hopes of getting a job, and doing it one day a week in night classes. So I started doing a floristry certificate. It was hard emotionally but I stuck with it. However I started getting in my head something bad would happen if I ate or drank before hand. And the campus was over an hour away on train and it started at like 6 at night and I would end up getting home around 11. Plus I would get very anxious about going so I wouldn’t sleep. As a result I was running on no sleep , no food and no water while going. Which really did a number on me. I still wanted to finish it though. But around half way through that’s when the big bush fires hit Australia. It got too dangerous for me to travel as a result and I ended up dropping the course. I’m a serial giver-upper as it would appear lolol.

Where I live as well there are only a couple lgbt groups and I’ve meet people from both of them. Let’s just say I have a lot of abuse and trauma surrounding those groups which has honestly made me very scared to reach out to them. Also drinking culture is SO massive in Australia. It’s almost treated like a rich of passage honestly. It’s very intense how many people tie lots of their identity and social activities to alcohol here. That’s why I’ve been trying so hard in therapy to get more comfortable with people who drink alcohol because I’ve realised I’m truly setting myself up to fail otherwise because I don’t think I’d have much luck finding someone who doesn’t drink lololol.

HOWEVER ! In saying that. There are these little short courses that are run for things like cooking and sewing etc in a community center here. I’m trying to work up the courage to go there this year in the hopes of getting out of the house more and trying to interact with more people, gay or not.

Also I think with my inability to really get close to people or form strong relationships, that’s all on me and not other people. I just don’t have a lot of solid expectations or scaffolding in my head for that stuff. Which makes things feel weird and inauthentic and hard for me. I’m sure there are lots of lovely and wonderful people around me that I would be blessed to meet if I ever got the chance , but human interaction is very hard for me to keep up consistently, especially since I’m always so worried I’m going to do the wrong thing or somehow hurt people. It’s a working progress ahah.

But thank you so much for the lovely advice and reaching out to me with such kindness. It really means a lot. And I’m definitely going to try and do something akin to that in my own way. I’m so glad you have such a wonderful network of gay friends and you have found your people :) They are lucky to have you! I hope you have a beautiful day 💕💕

[amanda-fior]

I’m used to being disappointed in life. I had to learn very early on that life is not fair. That hard working people don’t always reap the benefits. That even bad days are a blessing for those of us lucky enough to keep living to see them through. That some people breeze through life while others were born in shit creek. 

I first looked into the CSU vet program in March 2014. The minimum GPA requirement for a graduate was just above what I had achieved for my double degree in Law/Arts. It stung because I had spent a year studying abroad at Washington State University and the lowest grade I achieved out of the 8 classes I took there was 89% (I got 95+% for the majority of those classes) and if I had achieved those same scores here in Australia, I would have had 8 High Distinctions (which require just 85% or higher) but because I only received credit for study, those HDs turned into passes. My GPA was therefore much lower than what I felt I had earned. 

This meant that I had to start a new degree. Having already completed an undergraduate degree, I was no longer eligible for Centrelink. I did receive New Start (which I will be forever eternally grateful for) which meant that I had to have fortnightly appointments at Joblink, apply for a certain number of jobs and meet a bunch of other time consuming criteria. It made me feel like scum to have to get a handout. Every time I went in for an appointment, my self esteem managed to sink just a little bit lower. I worked at Furballz, knowing that it would look good on my application. I volunteered at the vets. I wanted to know if it was really the job for me before putting my heart into it. I started my certificate IV in vet nursing on top of all of this, so that I would learn some real skills and so that I could continue volunteering at the vet clinic. 

At that time, TAFE was changing its policies/fees and could not tell me how much the vet nursing course would cost but they gave me an estimate. It looked like they would no longer be giving discounted prices to people on Centrelink. Open Colleges cost $5,000 for the same course (slightly less than the cost at TAFE) but it had way more flexibility. So I signed up for Open Colleges. A month later, TAFE released its new fees and policies. They had decided to continue with Centrelink discounts and the whole course would have cost me next to nothing had I gone with them. But it was too late to get a refund with Open Colleges and most of my Centrelink went to paying off that $5,000. I was still working as a volunteer at the vet clinic even though I was on the roster working the role of a nurse who they would otherwise have had to pay wages for. 

The worst part was that Newstart required me to do 25 hours a week of approved activities. I was working for approximately 4 hours each morning at Furballz 4 days a week. That was 16 hours. The 8+ hours a week at the vets didn’t count because Newstart stipulated that volunteer work (at a business) couldn’t count because they wanted you to seek paid work. The hours I spent on the Open Colleges course didn’t count either because it was mostly self learning and the teachers at OC refuse to sign off on hours because they cannot personally verify them. And uni was difficult for the same reason (I was studying online but had to attend intensive schools). I was actively trying to find another job that would offer me more hours but no one wanted me. I told them I could work any day and any hours except Fridays (I had to continue my work experience at the vets for the vet nursing course). I had a couple of interviews but was never hired. That was a really low point for me. I honestly don’t think even Frankie realised how much I resented myself at that point. 

It was finally September 2015 and my vet application for CSU was ready. It looked really good because I also had volunteered with the RSPCA (and had been vice-president of the branch), had volunteered halter training alpacas and showed them (including the grand champion). Plus I had a lot of experience with large animals growing up on the farm. But I didn’t make it to the interview stage because my GPA was too low. Again. By the slightest of margins. 0.1. I was pretty devastated but decided to look on the bright side and planned to do something amazing with the year ahead. So I went to Africa and volunteered with animals there. It was incredible and added even more to my application.

I had finally started to get paid at the vet clinic. Toward the end of the year, I could finally get by without Newstart! It felt great to have that burden off my back even though I was getting slightly less money each fortnight and my prescription medication tripled in price without a healthcare card. Still, it seemed like things were looking up.

Then came August 2016. The applications were finally opened again. I agonised over the questions, wanting to give the best but most honest answers. I did not want to jeopardise my chances after putting so much into it. I had changed degrees at uni and had managed to obtain a 7.0 GPA. That is the highest possible score. The wait to find out if I had an interview was agonising. I called CSU multiple times during the week that interview offers were given. They kept saying that we would all be informed either way by Friday afternoon. I was at work that afternoon but kept my phone in my pocket. My heart raced the entire time. It had been racing that whole week and the week before that. I could not sleep. I just kept checking to see if that email had arrived. By 4.30pm, Frankie came into work with a frappe for me and asked if I knew anything yet. I anxiously asked if she could call them pretending to be me, to see what was up. I held up the vein of a dog so a vet could take blood. Then I checked my phone. Still nothing. I put on a load of laundry and then heard a little buzz. It was 5.02pm and I had finally received my email informing me of my interview time. It turns out that they had emailed me several days earlier but their system had some issue with sending emails to gmail and hotmail addresses (eg. my primary and secondary emails). The only reason it came through at all was because of Frankie’s phone call. 

I honestly could not believe that I had an interview. I felt like the hard part was over and now I was almost guaranteed a spot. I fulfilled every criteria and then some - I had made sure of it over the past 3 years. I had practised what I would say  almost every day for the past 2 years. I had so much to talk about in just twenty minutes. I felt confident which is rare for me.

Then came more waiting. I just wanted to do my interview! I was excited! 

But the interview seemed to be over too quickly (according to Frankie, I was actually in there longer than 20 minutes). I started to feel nervous. There was so much that I had not even talked about. I didn’t tell them about going along to the greyhounds with Emma when she was the volunteer vet at the Armidale races. I didn’t talk very much about all the things I did at the vet clinic. I didn’t even talk about Africa! But it was all on my application and I could tell by the panels comments that they had read mine right before I walked in. I had simply answered their questions:

Why do you want to be a vet? Why do you want to study at CSU? What are your favourite subjects? What community work have you done? Talk about a current, controversial issue involving animals in Australia and what you think should be done. Tell us about a procedure you have performed involving animals, preferably large animals. If you moved to a remote area to work as a vet and did not know anyone, how would you go about meeting new people?

I felt like I had done well but not as good as I could have done. All that I could do was wait. And wait. And wait. 

I haven’t been able to sleep properly. I thought about the questions and wished they had done it differently. I personally would have had each interviewee handle an animal. I think it would have told them a lot more about their capabilities than any of those questions. I also wondered about the different panels of judges. There were 4 panels running at once. What if I had been interviewed by a different panel? Would the ‘nicer’ person on panel A have given me a 10 instead of a 9 for a certain answer I gave? Would the ‘harder’ person of panel B given me a 4 instead of a 3? 

But that there was nothing I could do. I had tried my best and it was done.

I had checked my UAC offers 50 times before the offers were released. I wanted to make sure there wasn’t a problem with my log in. It always said  “You have not received an offer for undergraduate study.” 

The offers were to be released at 7.30am on 5 January.I told myself that even though I probably deserved to get in, that I wouldn’t be chosen. I waited until 7.32am to check my offer, just in case the time on my computer was slightly fast.

“You have not received an offer for undergraduate study.”

I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel surprised. 

I thought I would cry and be upset but I guess I wasn’t lying when I left the interview not expecting to get in. It has slowly sunk in and now I just feel frustrated and angry. How could I have stuffed up the interview that badly? Were there really 60 candidates that were really better than me? I honestly doubt it. I have gone over the criteria and there really isn’t anything I could improve. So I guess it all came down to those twenty minutes where I somehow just didn’t make the cut. 

It’s hard not to feel like a failure right now. I have never worked for anything so hard before. Maybe I should not have tried to follow my dreams. Maybe I should not have had such an ambitious goal. All of the wonderful people that I have surrounded myself with have been trying to lift me up. It was starting to work but now I feel like all of those horrible things I tell myself were the things I should have listened to. 

I keep thinking about what one of the CSU vet students I’ve met told me. That on her first day, they had been really straightforward and told them all of the realities about how difficult the job of a vet is. It scared several of them so much that they left the course there and then. I wish I could take their place. 

As a final kick in the guts (yep, this is a full on a self-pity, whinge-fest now!) I received a letter from Centrelink saying that I owe them over $2,000 from 2013-14. Apparently everyone has been getting them. I need to pay it by 13 January. Dunno where they think I’ll get the money from. Guess I’ll have to go back on Newstart now. 

My plan is to study Bachelor of Veterinary Technology through CSU. I haven’t been offered a place in the course yet. I got in last year so hopefully I will get in this time. Otherwise I’m officially out of ideas. There is still a chance I may receive an offer for vet science on 18 January but I’m not holding my breath. 

I will still apply for vet next year because fuck em, I want to prove them wrong. Even though I have written an essay wallowing in self pity (that I kind of hope no one actually reads even though I’m posting it on the bloody internet) I still have fight in me. I’ve gotten the self-pity out (for now) and I’m ready to prove that panel of judges wrong. I’m not a quitter. I will continue to work toward my goal that just keeps tickling at my fingertips. And if nothing else, I will be the best vet when I do finally get there because even if they didn’t think I was the best candidate, no one will be more grateful for the opportunity than me.