#imagining the ghosts as found family is simultaneously self care and self destruction

[callofdooty]

lmao bet

Don't imagine Keegan and Merrick trying to help each other keep it together. Don't imagine Keegan stressing out, trying to find Logan and keep his eye on his team at the same time. Don't imagine Keegan being afraid to even sleep in case something bad happens.

I also forgot that Rorke could be considered the first time he felt like he'd failed a team member by not being there. So also don't imagine Keegan spiralling into thinking that all of this - everything that Rorke has done to them, every loss they've suffered, every bad happenstance - is somehow his fault. Is it realistic for him to think that? No, absolutely not. But survivor's guilt is a funny bastard, and when you already (wrongfully) blame yourself for some of the circumstances, it's easy to get lost in believing you're to blame for every circumstance.

I wonder how much Keegan blames himself for Elias's death, given that if he'd returned to the Luxor earlier he might have been able to intervene before Rorke killed him.

I can make this worse: Fanon dictates that Elias was "Team Dad" so then Keegan didn't only fail his captain, but he lost someone that was like a father to him.

And I can bet money that he'd tamp his own grief down because Elias was Logan and Davids actual dad, rather than just a father figure.

As if grief isn't something that can be shared.

[callofdooty]

Aaaaa I've got stuff to catch up on!

We'll start with Throwback Thursday, here's the first work I published for the Ghosts fandom (and COD as a whole) :)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Characters: Keegan P. Russ, Thomas A Merrick, Other Ghosts mentioned in passing

Relationship: Keegan P. Russ & Thomas A. Merrick

Tags: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Contains Spoilers for the story of Call Of Duty: Ghosts

Summary:

'"I miss them." Keegan chokes out finally, voice fragile and breaking, barely audible. Shame stirs in his stomach, making him nauseous before working its way up, gripping his heart and then balling up to cause a lump in his throat that he tries his best to swallow around. "I miss him." The shame ignites like a gasoline trail, flaring quickly into anger (whether it's at himself or Rorke... it's hard to tell with all the smoke) that only makes him feel more sick. "God damn it, I miss that piece of shit." And Merrick understands. Because of course he does.'

[callofdooty]

My Heroes Are Dead, They Died In My Head

Fandom: Call of Duty (Call of Duty: Ghosts)

Summary: Written for Whumpuary 2023 using Prompt 4 Betrayal & Alt Prompt 10 Grief

After the events of Struck Down, Keegan is left stuck in his own head. But what else can a man think about when his former captain has crept out of the shadows and stolen from him the most important person in his life?

It's safe to say that coping has never been his strong suit.

Rating: Mature

Relationships: Keegan P. Russ & Alex V. "Ajax" Johnson

Warnings/labels: Spoilers for Call of Duty: Ghosts, Angst, Hurt/No Comfort, Major Character Death, Murder, Grief/Mourning

Read it on AO3 Here

The ride back was quiet. The occupants of the helo half expected the heavy weight of the atmosphere to pull the damn thing back down. No one dared speak that thought aloud, though.

It pressed on all of their shoulders. Keegan’s quite literally. He’d carried Ajax out of there, after all. Thinking about it too much made him feel sick. 

But here, that’s all he can really do. Think, think and think again. 

It was Rorke…

His hand balled into a fist, knuckles undoubtedly paling underneath the patchily stained fabric of his gloves. Rorke. Their leader. Their protector . He’s behind all of this; culprit of the unspeakable. It all feels like some kind of fucked up nightmare, something that’ll have him startling awake in a cold sweat, heart stuttering wildly behind a beaten ribcage. But it’s not. It’s not a nightmare, or some twisted, intrusive daydream dredged up from the darkest parts of his mind. It’s painfully real. The way Ajax went frightfully limp in his arms was real. That one, sweet constant in his life slipped through his fingers like ashes. Though not as gruesome as sand congealed by blood and tears, it shattered his world with the same force. 

Hope, love and willpower. All obliterated in one fell swoop. Would be impressive if it wasn’t so agonising. 

He slumped back against the wall, unable to settle his trembling. Gone. Ajax was gone. He…He was…Keegan would never hear that laugh again. Would never see that knowing smile again. Would never share the joys and sorrows of life with his best friend again. 

Oh God, Ajax was dead.  

And the most fucked up part is that the confirmation is a relief . He’s relieved that he had to behold the worst sight in his life; relieved that Ajax died right there in his hold. Because at least then he knows this Ghost - this spark so dear to his heart - wouldn’t come back to hurt him. Wouldn’t resurface after over a decade of silence just to tear apart everything he loves. 

What’s more painful? For a loved one to die so soon, but be left with memories bathed in light? Or for a loved one to return from the dead, only reduced to the darkest version of themself?

Keegan had spent a long time wishing that his hero would someday come back. Now? He’s learned that sometimes, it’s better to wish for them to stay buried.

His hands curled tighter. A wrath that he hadn't felt in a long, long time burned in the back of his throat. Grief pulled heavy on his chest, achingly familiar and unwelcome. In the dull, defeaning silence he made his own wordless vow. For Ajax. For Grim. For Torch. For all the people that had died for them to get here.

Next time, he'll make sure Rorke can't crawl his way back up from hell. No matter how much it'll hurt. Even if he has to stare his former captain in the eyes - set ablaze with hatred and disdain where pride and warmth once flickered - and watch the final shred of hope he'd held onto for a decade fizzle out in the glassy reflection. Even if he has to confront his worst fear face-to-face; be met with the the thing he dreads more than anything in the world, he'll do it. He'll take his nightmare and he'll drive it right back into the shadows where it belongs.

Next time, the dead will stay buried. Even if he has to bury his heart along with it.

[callofdooty]

WIP Wednesday! Not too much has been added since the last wip for this, but progress is progress! Plus I refined some of it so I'm happier with it! (Though honestly I'm already vibin pretty well with this so far)

Woe, COD: Ghosts angst be upon ye!

This is a prompt fill for Whumpuary! And the prompt is Betrayal. It's sitting at about 400 words rn and i have no idea how long it's going to get.

CW: Death, Grief, Heavy Angst, Hurt/No Comfort, minor spoilers for the COD: Ghosts story (though this is set pretty early on)

The ride back was quiet. The occupants of the helo half expected the heavy weight of the atmosphere to pull the damn thing back down. No one dared speak that thought aloud, though.

It pressed on all of their shoulders. Keegan’s quite literally. He’d carried Ajax out of there, after all. Thinking about it too much made him feel sick. 

But here, that’s all he can really do. Think, think and think again. 

It was Rorke…

His hand balls into a fist, knuckles undoubtedly paling underneath the patchily stained fabric of his gloves. Rorke. Their leader. Their protector. He’s behind all of this; culprit of the unspeakable. It all feels like some kind of fucked up nightmare, something that’d have him startling awake in a cold sweat, heart stuttering wildly behind a beaten ribcage. But it’s not. It’s not a nightmare, or some twisted, intrusive daydream dredged up from the darkest parts of his mind. It’s painfully real. The way Ajax went frightfully limp in his arms was real. That one, sweet constant in his life slipped through his fingers like ashes. Though not as gruesome as sand congealed by blood and tears, it shattered his world with the same force. 

Hope, love and willpower. All obliterated in one fell swoop. Would be impressive if it wasn’t so agonising.  ---

He slumps back against the wall, unable to settle his trembling. Gone. Ajax was gone. He…He was…Keegan would never hear that laugh again. Would never see that knowing smile again. Would never share the joys and sorrows of life with his best friend again. 

Oh God, Ajax was dead. 

And the most fucked up part is that the confirmation is a relief. He’s relieved that he had to behold the worst sight in his life; relieved that Ajax died right there in his hold. Because at least then he knows that this Ghost - this spark so dear to his heart - wouldn’t come back to hurt him. Wouldn’t resurface after over a decade of silence just to tear apart everything he loves. 

What’s more painful? For a loved one to die so soon, but be left with memories bathed in light? Or for a loved one to return from the dead, only reduced to the darkest version of themself?

Keegan had spent a long time wishing that his hero would someday come back. Now? He’s learned that sometimes, it’s better to wish for them to stay buried.

[callofdooty]

For the character bingo, I'm gonna do Ajax. I haven't seen many people do one of these for him, man's is underappreciated

RARARARARARA AJAX BELOVED

WARNING: GHOSTS SPOILERS BELOW!!!

This man. Was done so dirty by the canon. He deserved more screentime. Thinking abt him makes me cry, especially when it comes to his death.

Like this character went through hell and survived. Lost his captain. Has to live through what is close enough to a near post-apocalyptic world where his side is losing the war. And then he gets captured. And THEN! IT TURNS OUT! HIS CAPTAIN! IS ON THE ENEMY'S SIDE! This is the first time he's seen Rorke in a DECADE and not only is he still alive, he's now become the worst possible version of himself!!! And the others have NO FUCKING CLUE.

So he's trapped there. Unable to warn his team - his FAMILY - that they're up against more than they could've ever expected. Like sure, they went up against unbeatable odds and won, but they're going up against one of the only other people who survived that shitshow. Their god damned leader.

And then he ends up breaking - he ends up telling Rorke where the safehouse in Las Vegas is. And then he's killed. Not even by Rorke but a fucking Federation Soldier??? And as he's there, dying, his team finally gets to him. And all he could probably think about was warning them. Trying to protect them in his final moments - his last act that does nothing to dampen the guilt he's suffocating in. Keegan holds him while he dies, and it's likelg that he can't even take comfort in it. He can't peacefully let go.

He's put them in the path of danger. And now he's leaving them to suffer the consequences without him. Even with his last breath, he can't apologise. Can't warn them properly. He dies fearful, guilt ridden and in the embrace of his best friend that he feels like he betrayed. Surrounded by the team he feels he failed.

Ajax's last moments are a last-ditch effort to savd the ones he loves. And it's not enough to save them from the oncoming storm.

THAT SHIT FUCKING HURTS

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA