#imagine waiting for the story to conclude before judging the story. wow!

[thefirstknife]

Exceptional tags. Immaculate.

The "Infinity War" shit has been my biggest pet peeve FOR REAL, thank you for mentioning that. Bungie NEVER mentioned Infinity War as an inspiration for Lightfall. This was invented by fans, mostly on twitter, and it was parroted the most by Destiny Bulletin and similar "outlets" that are just straight up often posting the most randomest shit. And then everyone started saying that Lightfall "did its Infinity War moment badly." They never tried having an Infinity War moment.

For the record, devs mentioned a lot of movie inspirations for Lightfall in an interview and Infinity War was not one of them, because it wasn't an inspiration and Lightfall was not meant to be a shitty MCU copy.

"As we started getting towards Lightfall, we said, 'Hey, how can we keep the stakes high but change the mood for a release?'" Blackburn continued. "We looked at things like The Empire Strikes Back, that has a feeling of, oh, my gosh, [the heroes] lose, but the movie doesn't feel like they lose the whole time. We started to look at, okay, what are things with really high stakes that have a different tone to them? I think we got really attracted to sort of blockbuster action movies. "You can look at things like Aliens. You can look at things like Commando. You can look at things like The Old Guard and you can say, these have a specific feel throughout them, but they don't sacrifice that, like, hey, the world is at stake. Independence Day is another one that we really like. It's like, oh, my God, watch the trailer for Independence Day. You're like, 'This is going to be a hell of a movie. The Earth's going to get destroyed.' Then you get in the theater and Will Smith's like, 'Welcome to Earth.' You're like, 'Oh, it's this kind of movie.'"

As someone old enough to have grown up on these movies: they nailed this perfectly. I get so mad when people go for the god damn Infinity War about Lightfall. Literally never even remotely been a thing devs used to make Lightfall. Fans invented it because they haven't seen a single movie outside of the MCU.

if Lightfall has million number of enjoyers, I'm one of them. if Lightfall has ten enjoyers, I'm one of them. if Lightfall has one enjoyer, and that is me.

[woomycritiques543]

As a HB/HH liker, I sincerly apologize on behalf of most of the fandom, As someone who actually likes those shows, i'll admit that they do have major flaws (Seeing Stars was meh for me), but seeing how fans, Especially big fans/artists (Like DaniDraws, Teathekook, Elcee, etc) react to any sort of criticism on twitter, is rather embarrasing to say the least.

(You can imagine the releif when I read the rest of this. lol!)

Thank you, its nice to see someone from the main tags being reasonable for once. Very rare when I end up seeing that.

Its not even just the big artists, its people from Spindlehorse too that act childishly about it. Getting suprised when anyone doesnt like an episode and pitching fits about criticism, acting immature in general.

Speaking about critique in such a condecending way that can only be concluded as "shaming" rather than just dissapointment. Not even admitting to the episode had flaws, but shaming those who critiqued it. Vivziepop being so petty, that she liked this specific post as a way to pretend as if the critiques were "wrong." (putting "ruins the show" in quotations, the way its being said, the emoji, etc.) These being the comments after. With the average "wait for another episode!" excuse when theres now been enough episodes to know most of the quality of how the show will be going forward. This was also written before S2 Episode two, another awful episode, which made this all the more hilarious to read from these people. Also saying "this is just temporary!" or that "im just watching them to prove to the haters that they're "wrong" and they gotta see what happens before they judge them!" as if the last episode didnt fuck up the lore of the past ones (spoiler alert: it did.) which would automatically effect other episodes by default. There also being mostly character decisions that would effect the rest of the show based on how the show is sugarcoating their actions. Not letting them actually develop as a result.

Hince the "ruined" statement the fandom has been saying.

Since- the timeline was ruined, the potiential in certain characters was ruined by the backpeddling and sugarcoating. We dont need to watch other episodes to know this as "ruined". They're that bad.

These episodes are allowed to be judged as themselves Callis (I know there are people from your staff reading this.) we dont need to know "everything" about the show and whats going to happen to stand our ground about how we feel about it. Were not doing this to "assume" about whats going to happen. The show is already bad, this has been proven to us hundreds of times already. No new episode is going to "fix" how much damage thats been done already unless they rewrite the story altogether. The merch, the sugarcoating, and all.

Callis saying that the critiques were "mean" just because they arent the ones who constantly kiss the feet of their favorite ocs and mention that-gasp??? Their "bad people" demon characters are- NOT GOOD PEOPLE?! and- GASP! Should legit be held accountable for their actions?! WOW! Its almost like this isnt the "secretly wholesome" adult cartoon that they wanted it to be but was executed as showing their characters as awful because- GASP! The writers also just happened to not be good people with questionable morals! /j

A group of bad people trying to dictate what's "moral" or not? Who would have guessed that this would eventually lead to the show becoming messed up as all fuck- not even in a good way, but showing messages from the writers terrible enough to make even a 90's series blush.

Its almost like all of this whining about people who critique in the fandom is just an attempt to gaslight people into seeing the critiques as "hot takes" and not anything of actual value. When people are upset for actual reasons. No "youre allowed to critique" gaslighting is going to make us hold back our words. Lmao!

Calis also mentioning a nonsensical critique about Lucifer's new design but not even mentioning what people were actually upset about. Its bias such as this that is just that- "Embarassing."

These people react to the critique like teenagers who just got a f on a test for the first time. Immature, making excuses, and just downright being very condesending, gaslighting, and non-addressing.

So your ask was entirely understandable anon. Thank you for apologizing. It wont do much for how these people effect us, but I do appreciate the empathy. Thank you.

[anxiousstark]

S1 06 | Co-Captain

BIG MASTERLIST | TW REWRITE

Stiles Stilinski x Reader! Half-sibling!Mccall

Word count: 2091

Warnings: Mentions drugs, child abuse, swearing (always).

A/N: I’m sorry but this is a filler chapter, an IMPORTANT one. Y/N’s past start coming back, her mom’s story is quite significant, and the mention of his dad. NEXT WEEK WE FINISH SEASON 1! THINGS START GETTING FCKING INTERESTING!

Scott had told us last night what happened to him. Peter and Derek had gone to the changing rooms, searching for him. Peter had shown him what happened to the Hale family. It was a truly sad story. Stiles told him what happened in the hospital, including what I did. But he hadn't told him that while Peter was showing him his past, I was shaking in Stiles's bedroom while he searched what creature I could be.

"What's up?" Stiles stopped the jeep next to Jackson and his car. He was accompanied by Chris Argent, someone who looked like an asshole. He was.

"Is everything okay?"

"Hey, Scott. Your friend, here, was having car trouble. We're just taking a look." He replied with a smile on his face. His blue eyes weren't warm, they were cold, transmitting uneasiness.

"There's a shop right down the street. I'm sure they have a tow truck." Scott pointed down the street. I just silently sat on the back of the jeep, observing Chris.

"Yeah. You want a ride?" Scott opened the door while Chris turned his face to look at Jackson. "Hey, come on, Jackson. You're way too pretty to be out here all by yourself." Jackson started walking towards us, and Scott came out of the car to let him in.

"Hey, boys." He turned the engine of the car on, it was working. "Told you I knew a few things about cars." Then, he went back to his car, driving away.

"What, are you following me, now?" Stiles got out of the car while I decided to stay inside, rolling the window down so I could hear them better.

"Yes, you stupid freaking idiot. You almost gave away everything, right there." Scott started screaming. Seems like his 'anger issues' were still there.

"What are you talking about?"

"He thinks you're the second beta."

"What?"

"He thinks you're me!" Scott grunted, punching Stiles's jeep. Uh oh, he touched his baby.

"Dude, my jeep."

Scott ignored his best friend and continued speaking his mind to Jackson. "I can hear your heart beating from a mile away, literally! Now he thinks that there's something wrong, and now I have to keep an eye on you so he doesn't kill you too!"

He turned to the jeep again, to hit it. But Stiles stopped him. "Okay, how about we step away from Stiles's Jeep?"

"This is your problem, not mine, okay? I didn't say anything, which means you're the one that's gonna get me killed. Okay, this is your fault." Jackson couldn't control his temper, pushing Scott against the jeep, making it tumble a little. I decided to go out, standing next to the owner of the said jeep.

"Can we stop hitting my jeep?" Scott pushed Jackson away from him. "Yo, all right, yo, guys, stop. All right?"

"When they come after you, I won't be able to protect you." His gaze landed on his best friend. "I can't protect anyone."

"Why are you looking at me?" I put my hand on his back, rubbing it to help him calm down. He had concluded that Scott couldn't protect him if he didn't have the power.

"You know, now you have to do it. Get me what I want, and I will be fine protecting myself."

"No, you won't! Just trust me. All it does is make things worse." His eyes were desperate, but Jackson didn't seem to care. "Yeah, I can run really fast now. Except half the time, I'm running away from people trying to kill me! And I can hear things like - like my girlfriend telling people that she doesn't trust me anymore right before breaking up with me. I'm not lying to you! It ruins your life."

"It ruined your life." He smiled wickedly. "You had all the power in the world, and you didn't know what to do with it. You know what it's actually like? It's like you turned 16, and someone bought you a Porsche when they should have started you out with a nice little Honda. Me? I drive a Porsche." He turned around, determined to go back to his so-loved car.

"You aren't a werewolf." I decided to speak for the first time that day. Jackson stopped on his track. "You are something. I don't know what, but you are something." I choked, it was Stiles's turn to rub my back. I wasn't human anymore, and I hadn't had enough time to sit down and talk about it with someone. "And I am too." I stepped in front of the other two boys. "You were there that night." I simpered. "Do you remember that day at school? You asked me if my wound was hurting, you told me you felt different, that you weren't the same Jackson anymore." He turned around to look at me, jaw clenched. "I told you that all that was because you were a teenager. The changes a teenager goes through, you know?"

"Are you done?" He interrupted. "Don't wanna be here anymore."

"I lied." His attention was back on me again. "I lied, Jackson. I could smell you. And you smelled like the dead." He got into the car, driving away.

Stiles grabbed the milk from the fridge, deciding to take it with himself to his room, until he saw his dad sitting on a table, documents all over it. "Whatcha doing?"

"Work."

"Anything I can help with?"

"You know, if you poured me an ounce of whiskey, that would be awfully nice." He didn't have to think it twice, grabbing a glass and the bottle of whiskey.

"Any leads?" Stiles was going to grab a document when his father slapped his hand away. "Wait. Before we get into that topic. Did you know that Melissa was going to bring Y/N?" He bit his lower lip.

Sheriff Stilinski nodded, drinking his alcohol. "An old workmate had that case. The case of Y/N McCall." Stiles waited for his father to go on. "As you know, Scott grew up without his father but seems like that man wasn't in her life neither. She only saw him a couple of times for what I know." He wrote down some information about Derek Hale. "Her mother was a disaster. My friend carried that case. He freed her from jail one time."

"Jail?" Stiles drank milk again.

"Drugs. An entire criminal record related to drugs; driving under the influence, getting into fights while high..." He coughed. "Then," Noah Stilisnki gazed at his son for the first time that night, ignoring the paper works that were on top of the table. "Child abuse." Stiles dropped the bottle, thankfully it was empty. "Y/N went to court with bruises a couple of times, nothing more than that. But still, abuse."

"Didn't they took her away? What are social services for? Didn't they protect her?" His eyebrows furrowed while he glanced at his dad, who was now looking at the documents on the table.

"They called Y/N's father to court, hoping he would take responsibility for his daughter like any father would do." Stiles's mouth was agape. "But he didn't. The judge decided that the environment wasn't the best one for a child. But, still gave an opportunity to her with the condition of going to rehab."

"Did she?" The teen asked, immersed in the story.

"No, she left Y/N on the front door of one of her friends, who was also into drugs in the past. However, that friend was clean."

"She said her mother died."

"She did." Noah stared at his son. "In jail. She died in jail. She...uhm, ended her life." Stiles was shocked. He had to talk to Scott. She wasn't there to make Scott mad, she was there because she had nobody.

"Why did she end up in jail?"

Noah shook his head. "She was on drugs, and...Uhm, she murdered someone. Then, she took her own life in jail."

Stiles could feel his heart beating loudly. He couldn't imagine how she felt.

Someone knocked on the door, and I came out of my room to see Melissa all dressed up. "Hey." She grinned at me, eyes shining with happiness. "You look beautiful." I offered her a grin, she thanked me, looking back at Scott.

"Scott! Get the door. Scott! For the love of God, please! Hey. What are you doing? Aren't you gonna invite him in?" She was like a teenager on her first date. Not surprised if we remember that she once was married to the man who put his dick on the woman that I should call mom.

I walked down the stairs when I heard Scott talking to her mom's date. He must feel strange, but I was curious to know who he was.

"I'm ready, I'm ready. Sorry again." It was Peter. Peter Hale.

"Mom."

"Yes? Sweetheart?" She was grabbing Peter's arm. I could tell she wanted to go out with him, and have a delightful night. But we all knew why Peter Hale was here. It wasn't because he had fallen in love with Melissa, or because he wanted to get to know her better. It was because of Scott and me.

"Have a good time." The door closed in our faces. "Don't say it."

I did anyway. "Are you going to let your mom go on a date with that demented psychopath?"

"Look, he told me that if I said something-" He sighed. "And what do I tell her? That her son is a teen werewolf, and that dude is-" He had difficulties breathing. "And Allison is upstairs-"

"Scott." I interrupted. "Calm down, okay?" I bit my lower lip, trying to think of something. "Give me your phone." He was confused.

"C'mon!" When he handed me his phone, I called the only person who could help me. "Stiles? Hi! Uhm, I need your help."

I explained the situation to Stiles while we followed Melissa and Peter. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

I grunted. "I wish I was." I tried to get comfortable in the passenger seat. "Here they are." I glanced at him. "What do we do now?"

"We hit."

"Uh?"

Both of us got out of the car. Melissa's face becoming red when she saw Stiles. "Oh, are you kidding me? Stiles!" Her gaze fell on me next. "Y/N?"

"Mrs. McCall?" Great acting, Stiles. "Wow, this is - this is just crazy. What a coincidence, huh?" He looked at me for a second. "I mean - I do not know what happened. You guys just came out of nowhere."

"Came out of nowhere! We were parked on the side of the road, Stiles."

"How crazy is that? I mean, we should probably call the cops, you know, do like an accident report thing." I nodded my head while grabbing Melissa's hand. Please, please.

"I don't think that's necessary." Peter interrupted, looking around.

"Are you sure? I think I'm feeling a little whiplash." He touched his neck.

"Whiplash? You hit us!"

"I don't know - there's something definitely wrong with my neck." Melissa started screaming at him, and Peter went far from us, he was probably communicating with Scott, who had followed us.

I went closer to Peter, hearing him talk about Jackson. "Don't get close to her." He turned around. smirking at me. "Be a man." I glared at him. "Melissa has nothing to do with all this. Be a man, go for the ones who have something to do with this."

He grinned. "What are you going to do, sweetheart?"

"I was not the one held against a wall with a hand on my neck, choking to death." I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to look intimidating.

"You don't even know how you did it." He came closer to me. "But I know-how. Don't you want to know? Don't you want to know what you are?" He tried to brush my cheek, but I slapped his hand away. "You, my dear, are very powerful. More than you think. Maybe even more than Scott. When you learn what you are and what you can do, you will be a great weapon."

"I'm a person, not a weapon."

"Aw, sweetheart." He pouted. "You aren't a person anymore, and you know it." He whispered the next thing, but of course, Scott was listening to him. "You could be stronger with me. Be part of my pack."

"She already has a pack." I hear Scott's voice in my head. How did he do that? "She is part of my pack."

[anerdquemoraaolado]

Beyond a Chance

‘Chapter 6: Reunion

Tom didn't know Los Angeles that well, but he thought he was on the right path. After talking to Yasmim on the phone, arranging where they would meet, he could see the reference to the diner she had mentioned. The place had a vintage entrance, with a red and white striped frame over the entrance, with the classic tables and chairs, some inside and some outside the establishment, which was very much in keeping with Hollywood in the 30s, it was a charming place. Tom could understand why Yasmim had arranged the meeting there, and she probably loved the place.

Seeing that the place was full, he sat outside, mainly for two reasons. First, it would be quicker and easier for Yasmim to find him here than inside, and second, he feared being recognized by the people inside and causing a stir. Situations like that were extremely rare, he admitted, one person or another recognized him, and he was very kind and understanding, he was attentive, he was also kind and understanding, and the fan said goodbye to him cordially. Maybe that was because he was very different from Loki, he was blond instead of dark, he used to grow a beard instead of always being clean-shaven and he didn't go around doing threats, illusions, or other such tricks. Thinking about it, sitting alone at his desk, Tom allowed himself a chuckle.

His image was pretty blurry at the time, his hair in the middle of the process of growing to his shoulders, in an attempt to wear a natural hair for the god of mischief on the show, which made him look very different from what he's been before, and unintentionally, it was a kind of disguise.

Yasmim, even in that disguise, recognized him. In fact, what caught her attention and made him look at him, recognizing him right away, was her giggle.

"I'm glad you're in a good mood." She used the expression as an icebreaker.

-Oh yes, yes - upon realizing that she had caught him off guard, Tom actually blushed, but soon recovered, clearing his throat - it is a pleasure to see you again, miss. Gomes.

-I hope I didn't make you wait too long - she sat down unceremoniously in front of him - and I already said that you can call me Yasmim, please.

-Sorry, force of habit - he gave her an embarrassed smile, but decided to continue without giving more time to his own shyness.

-Okay, I think that's cute - she replied, so he wouldn't feel so embarrassed - so where do we start?

"Ladies first," Tom took the time to speak with a gesture toward Yasmim.

"Wow again," she said in a tone of praise.

"Well, I'm also looking forward to hearing what you have to say," he added.

-So, let’s go - Yasmim even rearranged her posture, ready to talk for hours on end, Tom was even more excited to hear her - first, I think Sigyn's character is super interesting, like, she is the goddess of loyalty precisely for being loyal to a guy who clearly didn't deserve it, no offense.

-No, I wasn't offended - he shrugged - by the way, out of curiosity, I was just thinking about how different I am from Loki, just before you arrived.

-Yeah, even so, you transform into the character and act so well - Yasmim let the fan side show a little bit - that's what's fascinating about being an actor, you lend your own being to give life to a character that often doesn't have the nothing to do with you.

-Yes, that's quite true - Tom agreed with her, a little thoughtfully, with his hand on his chin - have you always thought that about acting? If I don't mind asking, since when have you acted?

-Well, I can say that I've been acting since childhood - she allowed herself to laugh - I loved doing plays in school, then I went to College of Performing Arts and worked in theater all my life, meaning that Sigyn will be my first character in front of a camera.

-That makes you a little nervous, doesn't it? - he asked - I remember the feeling.

-We have that in common, do we? Sorry, I don't know much about your career, other than Thor's movies - Yasmim was very sincere.

-No, it's ok, sometimes I like to be just a stranger - Tom gave her a smile that assured him that everything was ok - and you're right, I started in theater too and did a lot of plays before being discovered, sort of.

-I understand why you said I'm nervous - Yasmim commented.

-Are you? If you don't mind me asking too, what's your story? I mean, you're not native here, I can tell from your accent and Yasmim is such a different name, I've never heard it in my life, I mean, it all sounds pretty rude, I'm sorry - He broke off, seeing that it might sound quite inconvenient.

-No, it's okay, I don't think there's anything wrong with being curious, I wasn't offended, really - she corrected him in a good mood - but where I came from, it's a very common name, really, I'm Brazilian, I was born and I grew up in a small town there, studied and graduated in São Paulo and after many frustrations, I decided to come here, living as a theater actress until then.

-This is all very brave of you, to go out and leave everything you know - Tom praised her, sincerely admired.

-I know, I also miss home a lot, but I'm very happy, I'm about to fulfill my big dream with this opportunity, which reminds me, Sigyn, I think I have a little bit of the character's perspective, I mean, about everything that I've read about her, she's certainly an amazing character - Yasmim has been talking non-stop - to imagine that she loves someone like Loki from Marvel, it's really an unshakable feeling, it's like, just her out of pure love and understanding, decide to see his good side and be faithful to that side and trusting him to act kindly when necessary.

-Your perspective is a lot about what I see of Loki as well - Tom added - I always thought that deep down Loki can be much more than he realizes about himself, of course, the traumas made him that way, and I think he's always trying to make up for what he judges to be failing his family with violent wit, basically showing that he can be or is better than Thor in different ways.

-So on the face of it, I think Sigyn is the only one he doesn't need to prove anything to, she understands him on a very intimate level - Yasmim showed her character's point of view.

Hearing her talk with such excitement and dedication, Tom concluded that they would have a very productive and enjoyable afternoon.

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2015

This is the last list that was kind of difficult to do and where some cuts had to be made. The next four ones weren’t very good years music-wise and generally speaking.

Also there’s something that embarrasses me even more than Blue (Eiffel 65) somewhere on this top ten. Oops.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

2015 was a bit calmer, apart from the fact I moved out of the appartment and bought one instead of renting one. This is still where I’m living nowadays, it’s not big but having no landlord is a LOT less stressful even if it will take a long time to pay the loan (one time the lock broke and I couldn’t get out and the landlord refused to fix it OR pay for a new lock if I decided to call someone to fix it ; another time someone who had a spare key opened the door while I was wearing a bathrobe and was like “oh. You’re here” and I was like “...I mean..... yeah.... 'cause I live here”). I also made new friends online that year and felt less isolated.

Sidenote, my first “flat” mp3 player’s battery died today but after a quick emergency operation I was able to save the data on it. I used that mp3 player from roughly 2008 to 2013 so that’s a relief, it kinda has sentimental value and I was still using it to listen to DW audios nowadays from time to time.

As you can see in the first picture, my super old portable cd player, which still works fine, by the way, is judging this little amateur so hard right now.

So! This is the year Faithless dropped Faithless 2.0, 21 Pilots dropped Blurryface, Mylène Farmer dropped the surprisingly quite good (for this point in her career) Interstellaires, and Carly Rae Jepsen dropped E MO TION, which would have been my favorite album of the year... if Nightwish hadn’t made the absolutely jawdropping Endless Forms Most Beautiful. A symphonic metal concept album about Earth and evolution and the place of humanity in the universe?? Excuse me? Who’s read my christmas list? My favorite songs on it are Alpenglow, Shudder Before The Beautiful, the title track, Edema Ruh which has the best intro, and of course The Greatest Show On Earth, which is an incredibly ambitious, kinda bloated and quite pretentious (in a good way) song about the history of Earth, looking back from a future where mankind is extinct and concluding “we were here”, and holy shit I get emotional every time, and it’s 24 minutes long, and I still never get bored when I relisten to it. Just amazing.

As far as unelligible songs that piss me off go, it’s all Carly Rae Jepsen: I Really Like You, and especially Run Away With Me. If they had been elligible, that last one would be my #1, definitely.

Here’s some... uh, a lot of honorable mentions, actually.

Budapest (George Ezra) and Chandelier (Sia) - Still elligible, still not on the list.

Cheerleader (OMI) - I have no idea why people dislike this song.

Ex’s and Oh’s (Elle King) - This is one of these songs that would be higher on the list if I had better taste. I still like it a lot though.

FourFiveSeconds (Rihanna, Kanye West, Paul McCartney) - Ditto.

You Know You Like It (DJ Snake) - Great drop. The rest is meh.

Miracle (Julian Perretta) - The opposite of the previous one ; a fantastic song let down by its drop.

Uma Thurman (Fall Out Boy) - This song makes absolutely no sense but it’s a lot of fun nonetheless.

Lean On (Major Lazer) - Super overplayed but holy shit this is incredibly catchy. The bridge is especially great.

Want to want me (Jason Derulo) - If this guy had that kind of song in him why does he suck most of the time. What happened.

Hundred Miles (Yazz) - Nice earworm that never got annoying.

Are you with me (Lost frequencies) - Basically a less good version of Waves from the previous year. This is a compliment.

Ain’t Nobody (Felix Jaehn) - And this is the less good version of Rather Be from the previous year. This is also a compliment.

Laissez Passer (Maître Gims) - When I started to check French hit songs from years where I basically wasn’t listening to the general local radio anymore, some friends told me they were grabbing popcorn and waiting for me to start hating some specific acts. Maître Gims was one of them. To their disappointment, I love just about every non-love, non-breakup hit song he’s ever made. Oops.

Love Me Harder (Ariana Grande & The Weeknd) - It took me ages to like The Weeknd but this song helped a lot. This just sounds fantastic regardless of the content (just saying this because I have a tendency to dislike stuff like that). He isn’t even the best singer of the two on this track, wow.

Millionnaire (Soprano) - In a worse year, this would make the list without question. The lyrics aren’t that original but still very good (love the line “remplis-moi les poches d’espoir” (fill my pockets with hope)) and the melody is just beautiful.

On écrit sur les murs (Kids United) - If you recall I put the original version of this on my 1990 list because I liked the Kids United version a lot and also had nothing else to put at the 10th spot on the 1990 list. The fact that I don’t even have enough space for the better version on this list says a lot about how abysmal 1990 was, music-wise.

And now, the actual list!

10 - Centuries (Fall Out Boy)

US: #43 / FR: Not on the list

Why are these guys still on my lists.

No, seriously. Why. This is yet another song that would be better if it was faster. And the sample is badly used. So I have no idea why it works. One of these days I’ll have to reevaluate Fall Out Boy’s entire discography, take a good look at myself, and admit I possibly like this band and that I’ve been lying to myself for like 15 years... but today is not that day.

9 - Sapés Comme Jamais (Maître Gims)

US: Not on the list / FR: #10

Told you I liked Maître Gims!

Listen. It’s not my place to comment on the ethics of the whole La Sape movement (which can be summarised as “modern black dandies trying to get the most expensive & beautiful clothes possible”) but you have to admit it’s super cool to have a more energetic and fun version of Suit And Tie. God, that beat. And it’s a ton of fun to sing along with the chorus! And it’s such a convincing song when it’s combined with the music video, you kinda want to look as cool and confident as these guys.

Also quick shoutout to the Sapeuses. Absolute legends & queens, every last one of them.

8 - Style (Taylor Swift)

US: #29 / FR: Not on the list

That year my s.o went to a party I didn’t want to go to and came back home completely drunk & way too late, crashed on the couch and started to ramble about how “Style” by Taylor Swift had a better sound mixing than the entirety of Epica’s latest album at the time and how amazing it was. For like half an hour.

I completely agree, just to clarify.

7 - Cool For The Summer (Demi Lovato)

US: #53 / FR: Not on the list

In what is possibly the least controversial opinion on this entire list: I love Cool For The Summer, the melody is great, the lyrics are good, the singing is the best, and you all know that and you all love this song, so yeah. Moving on to-

Oh god here comes #6. Oh shit. Oh no.

Can’t we just skip it and pretend-

6 - Animals (Maroon 5)

US: #46 / FR: Not on the list

So. I.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

How can I justify this bullshit.

The truth is: I can’t. Not really. I’m not even entirely sure what happened here. I hate this band and have always hated them, from the start. The lyrics are painfully stupid. The singing is as atrocious as ever. The “AWOOOOO” bit on the bridge is absolutely ridiculous. None of Levine’s “oh look at me I’m so dangerous” act remotely works. There isn’t a single thing I find competent here apart from the melody. I mean it. I’m not saying any of this to look cool. If I wanted to look cool, this certainly wouldn’t be on the list.

But you know what, the sheer incompetence on display here may be exactly why I like it. If it was a credible serial killer song written like an upbeat pop song, it would be disturbing and unlistenable. But the way it’s made, it simply sounds stupid, so you keep imagining some sort of inoffensive nerd pretending he’s a horrible monster (and failing) whenever you hear it. And that, I think, is what pushes it squarely into the “so bad it’s f█cking fantastic” territory, where it joins Butterfly from my 2001 list.

That sounds about right.

5 - Adventure of a Lifetime (Coldplay)

US: Not on the list / FR: #29

I haven’t mentioned A Head Full of Dreams in that year’s albums, because it came out at the very end of 2015 so I mostly consider it to be a 2016 album. It’s not as good as Mylo Xyloto, and not as consistant as Ghost Stories, but it contains some real gems. Adventure of a Lifetime isn’t nearly my favorite song on it, and I still put it super high here. I love the lyrics in particular (”under this pressure, under this weight, we are diamonds taking shape” oh damn) but the song itself just makes you want to move. I literally can’t listen to it without at least moving my head in rhythm a little bit. It’s nearly as colorful as the album cover. And it’s a joy to sing along the “woooohooooo”s!

4 - Stolen Car (Mylène Farmer & Sting)

US: Not on the list / FR: #61

This is Stolen Car (Take Me Dancing), from Sting (2004), rewritten as a half English half French duet where it’s unclear if the female singer is the imaginary lover or the car in the story. You might want to re-read that sentence.

What did I say on a previous list? Ah yes, ��I see a duet between two singers I like and I die instantly”. This is also the last time Mylène Farmer is going to appear on one of my lists. I could say “self care”, but I genuinely don’t like any of her more recent hits, at all. Whatever. She’s been on these lists since the very first one (1988) anyway.

It’s been a wild ride, to say the least.

3 - Shut Up And Dance (Walk the Moon)

US: #6 / FR: Not on the list

And for the second least controversial opinion on this list: despite the massive overplay, I never EVER got tired of this, it’s colorful, energetic, super fun, and it’s still on my mp3 player to this day. Just a fantastic song. And a great band! I wish One Foot had been elligible for a future list, it’s super good. Aw.

2 - Ego (Willy Williams)

US: Not on the list / FR: #69

This is a song about a guy who imagines himself as this super cool elegant dude, but when he looks at himself in the mirror he hates everything he’s seeing.

I know this isn’t supposed to be a song about gender dysphoria but my god is this shit relatable.

To make things even better, it’s served by creepy music box sounds ala The Birthday Massacre and by an untouchable, strange beat. It’s a dark, weird song, but it’s all kinds of wonderful and catchy as hell, and apparently I’m not the only one to think that considering the mindboggling number of views on the youtube music video. Watch it if you haven’t seen it, it’s hypnotic and makes the song even better.

I only discovered this song last year but I’ve listened to it so much since then I really debated if this should be at the #1 spot. It’s just... so horribly relatable.

But you know what’s even more relatable?

Being broke and sad and still trying to have the time of your life.

1 - Downtown (Macklemore & Ryan Lewis)

US: #84 / FR: Not on the list

Some people call this Thriftshop 2.0 but I think it’s even better than Thriftshop, which was, if you recall one of my previous lists, already pretty damn good in my opinion.

As you probably already know, it’s a song about a guy buying a moped and bragging about him and his friends, and their mopeds, and how cool they look when they ride downtown on their mopeds. I never owned a moped in my life. But I have a super small & shitty car which I love very much and so it’s very relatable. Also I’ve never written the word ‘moped’ so often in a single paragraph before in my life.

I love every single person who sings on this track. I love the music video. I’ve been trying to match the flow of the second verse ever since it came out and I still can’t do it with my shitty accent. It’s full of weird and corny lines, but that’s also why I love it so much. The dialogue at the beginning! “Dope, my crew is ill, and all we need is two good wheels”! “Head into the dealership and drop a stack and cop a Kawasaki, I'm stunting on everybody, hella raw, pass the wasabi”! “My seat is leather, alright, I'm lying, it's pleather / But girl, we could still ride together / You don't need an Uber, you don't need a cab / F█ck a bus pass, you got a moped man”!! “Cut the bullshit / Get off my mullet / Stone washed, so raw / Moped like a bullet - NYAOOOOOO”!! “Running around the whole town / Neighbors yelling at me like, "You need to slow down." / Going thirty-eight, Dan, chill the f█ck out / Mow your damn lawn and sit the hell down”!!! Oh shit, I basically quoted one third of the song. I just. Ugh. I love it so much, okay?

Cringe culture is dead and we peed on its grave. We spend enough time in our lives feeling miserable. Like what you like. Even if it’s super ridiculous. No: especially if it’s super ridiculous. Live a little, damn it.

Next up: The Year Everything Went Wrong Except Pop Music

[crimsondomingo]

Day 10: High School

For my July AU a Day Challenge

(warning for mentions of abuse and cutting, this one ended up angsty though it’s still fluffy, I swear!)

Len didn’t know much about Barry Allen, only what everyone whispered about, which maybe was all that really mattered.

How his father had murdered his mother and was in jail for life.

How the detective in charge of the case had tried to adopt him, but no judge would allow it, and Barry had ended up in foster care instead.

And then another foster home.

And then another.

He was in group care now, the kind for older teens who’d either jumped around the system all their lives or ended up there later with no one willing to claim them for good.

He got his homework done, got good grades, but the only extracurriculars he’d ever done were ones with the least interaction with others, like art or photography. The closest he’d come to activity with others was backstage for the plays and even then, he kept to himself and never said a word.

Because that was the other thing—Barry didn’t speak.

He hadn’t spoken a word since the night of his mother’s murder, other than the initial plea for his father’s innocence that no one listened to.

Len thought Barry was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. They were seniors now. Honestly, Len had almost dropped out as a sophomore, sick of ending up in juvie all the time and his father’s abuses and just all of it, but then Barry Allen had transferred from another Central City high school because his new home was in a new district, and everything changed.

Len spent two years trying to figure out how to talk to Barry or find any way to get close to him, but he always chickened out. His sister Lisa, one year below them, said his pining was ridiculous. But how did someone start a conversation with someone like Barry and not immediately alienate them forever?

“Just tell him you love his face or get over it already,” Lisa had said at the start of the school year. “This is your last chance, Lenny.”

Apparently, Len’s chance was destined to be the first week of school when he’d been caught with one of his lock picking tools that the hall monitor took for a weapon. Anything could be used as a weapon, that wasn’t Len’s intention. He needed it for a stupid job his father had that night that he was being forced to help with because he had small hands. Because he was better at everything his father did, though that was never the reason Lewis gave him.  

Len didn’t expect Barry to be there too, waiting outside the principal’s office side by side.

“What’d you do?” Len asked, before he remembered who he was asking—the boy who didn’t speak.

Barry tugged on the cuffs of his zip-up as if to cover his hands.

“Well, uhh…for me, they found this little tool I use to pick locks. Threatening to call my dad and say it’s as bad as bringing in a knife. He’s gonna be pissed either way.” Len sighed, not wanting to think about the consequences. “Did they find something in your bag too?”

Barry sat very still for a moment but then nodded.

“Oh.” Len sat up taller at getting a response. “Something you’ll get in big trouble for at home?”

Barry nodded again.

“It sucks, I know. But your home’s okay, right? They’re not like…mean?” Len didn’t know how to come out and ask if they were, well, like his father.

But Barry shrugged and shook his head. Len knew what lying about that question looked like. He was fairly certain Barry was telling the truth. So not a bad home, just a place he slept with not much attachment.

“That’s good, I guess. Me, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’ve been counting the days til I turn eighteen. Two months to go. I was never planning on sticking things out this long, but I’ve come this far, figure I might as well graduate, not that I have any idea what I’m gonna do after. You?”

Naturally, Barry didn’t say anything. He still had his bag, which meant they’d already rifled through it. They were going through the rest of Len’s bag now. Barry pulled out a notebook, which Len took for dismissal, that he was done listening to him, but then he turned the notebook toward him.

It said: DETECTIVE.

“You want to be a detective? I hate to break it to you, but that’s gonna be kinda hard if you don’t talk.”

Barry frowned and started scribbling on the notebook again. When he turned it to Len a second time, the word PRIVATE was written above DETECTIVE.

“Like a private eye? That could work. That would make any interesting TV show actually, a PI who doesn’t talk but still cracks all his cases. The tagline could be: Justice isn’t always blind; sometimes it’s silent.”

Barry raised an eyebrow at him.

“Bad joke? At least I didn’t say—silent but deadly.”

Barry snorted, and a smile broke out onto his face.

Len could not believe his success, and before he could control his mouth, he was saying, “Wow, you’re pretty when you smile.”

The smile dropped as Barry looked at him with a start.

“Not that you’re not pretty normally! I mean… Shit.” Len couldn’t imagine a worse way this could have gone, because now Barry looked wary, suspicious. “I’m not making fun. It’s not…it’s not like when you first moved here, and everyone was a jerk and…well, you know.”

A few times just to be mean, some boys and girls pretended to like Barry, but they were just poking fun at the weird kid.

“I wouldn’t do that. I’ve always liked you, but I didn’t know… I didn’t want you to think I was like the others. You want to be a PI so you can figure out how to prove your dad’s innocence, right?”

Barry looked surprised but maybe a little less wary.

“I wish I could snap my fingers and put things right—your dad free and mine in his place. He’s the one who deserves to be in jail.”

YOU BELIEVE ME? Barry wrote on a fresh piece of paper.

“You were there that night. You saw. You’ve believed the same story all this time. If you’re sure, then of course I believe you.”

Barry started to write more but hesitated, second guessing what he was going to say next, but finally finishing, YOU THINK YOUR DAD IS A KILLER?

“I don’t know. He’s done enough other bad things. Maybe not for murder, but he does deserve to be in jail. I’m sorry yours is there instead.”

With a slow nod, Barry offered a smaller but very sweet smile. It warmed Len all the way through him.

“So, what did they find in your bag?” he asked.  

Barry clutched his notebook and glanced away.

“You don’t have to tell me! They’re making you wait even though they’ve moved onto searching my bag, so it has to be bad. Hey…” Len waited for Barry to glance at him. “Do you want to just go. Get out of here?”

Barry blinked at him.

“We can’t get in more trouble than we’re already in. Let’s just go. I know a few places where we could be alone, just ditch and forget all this for a while. You in?”

A moment of skepticism again, of Barry wondering if Len was setting him up for disappointment, flashed across Barry’s face, but when he looked at Len and read him closely, he seemed to conclude that Len wasn’t like the others.

He put his notebook away, hoisted his bag onto his shoulder, and nodded.

Len grabbed Barry’s hand, making a run for it out of the office and disappearing before any dissenting voices could follow them. He knew a side exit that was never watched, the perfect door to ditch from. They were free of the school in minutes and across the street where a maze of alleyways led just about anywhere they wanted to go.

They panted from the sprint, but when Len glanced over, Barry was smiling from the rush. It was going to be awful when Len got home that night, but right now all he cared about was keeping that smile on Barry’s face.

He realized he was still holding Barry’s hand and that Barry wasn’t pulling away, so he shifted his hold to lace their fingers together. Their eyes met heatedly, and he traced his thumb up along the skin of Barry’s wrist.

Where he felt the bandages.

Glancing down, Len gently pushed the cuff of his sweatshirt up to see for himself. There was a bandage, along with several old cuts leading up Barry’s arm, healed and fresher scars alike.

“They found what you use to do this, didn’t they?” Len asked softly, letting the sleeve fall back down as he refitted his hand with Barry’s to give a reassuring squeeze.

Barry nodded without looking at him.

“It’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay. I wish you didn’t feel like you had to do that, but I get it. Maybe next time you feel like you need to, you can find me instead. We could, I don’t know, do this.” He looked around the alley. “Get out. Go anywhere. You wouldn’t even have to tell me why. We could just go for a walk. Listen to me ramble like I am now or—”

The words cut off from Len’s mouth because he suddenly found it occupied with something else—Barry. He’d kissed him. Barry was kissing him and making the loveliest whimpering noises.

“Or that,” Len said breathlessly when Barry pulled back with wide eyes again like he couldn’t believe what he’d just done. “We could definitely do that. I really love the way your voice sounds.” He squeezed Barry’s hand once more and lifted his other to Barry’s face, leaning forward to kiss him again, deeper than before, slower and longer, enjoying every angle and coil of Barry’s tongue.

Barry kept making those whimpering noises and finally gave a whispered, “Len.”

“You know my name,” Len grinned, then realized with a start, “you said my name. Can you say it again?”

Barry seemed shy now, unsure, a blush filling his cheeks and eyes cast down.

“When you can, if you can, I can wait—”

“Len,” Barry said, eyes darting boldly up. “Th-thank you…for this.”

Len was completely floored. Barry was talking to him. “Yeah. Yeah. Do you wanna…go? Find somewhere else to be and forget all that back there until later?”

Barry nodded, squeezing Len’s hand back tightly.

They turned to walk down the alley and kept their hands laced together the whole way.

[herotheshiro]

ok i didn’t do a review of the phoenix wright trilogy but i’ll do a mini-write-up on apollo justice which i just finished earlier. this is mainly due to me looking up apollo justice/ace attorney afterwards and seeing ppl talk vaguely abt how and where the series and characters go after this... i wanted to add my 2 cents to the void of the internet i guess lol

spoilers for aa4 below

i think as a story, apollo justice is quite good but definitely a bit lacking in writing compared to the 1st trilogy. i feel like this is pretty much the common fan opinion, esp since the 1st trilogy was written all together as a 3-game-set and apollo justice has to conclude everything within 1 game. i think this game did real good at revealing info over time... i remember when they revealed the troupe gramarye poster and i was like WAIT... THAT’S SHADI SMITH... HOLD UP... personally though, i think the ending was not very strong for me -- i feel like we nailed kristoph almost a bit too easily at the end without much i guess concrete evidence linking him to everything even if basically everything was really pointing to him. [EDIT: lol ok reading summaries on aa4 and yeah apparently this is the point and why it being a jurist sys trial was so important… and the realization that he really could get nailed for the crime that he’s been paranoid abt for years made him break down at the end. Ok that makes sense I guess, I was just used to things playing out like the 1st trilogy where you would last min get decisive evidence lol] other than that, there was quite a number of loose ends that didn’t get tied up

so what happened to valant? i think the implication was that he was gonna turn himself in out of guilt even if he didn’t actually kill magnifi (sp?). and also w trucy having the rights i guess it would be complicated for the 2 of them to work that out. that whole aftermath wasn’t entirely clear to me esp since they didn’t give him a post-credits scene

so we’re not gonna get an explanation for why thalassa left her not-even-1-yo son to fend for himself? that was like my no. 1 thing i would’ve liked to get a reason for but the ending is just her being like oh yeah i remember now he’s my son and that’s it. no explanation for why she left him behind and returned to troupe gramarye w/o him. like at least a “oh it would’ve been complicated to bring a literal baby to raise back into that traveling group” would’ve sufficed, esp since we’re supposed to get the impression that lamiror is a kind woman. yet she left her damn kid behind with only a bracelet. were we just supposed to assume the explanation i gave above? i mean yes i’ve looked it up vaguely and i think we get more info on apollo’s growing up in later games but i’ve heard w very little mention of thalassa. which i mean i get, thalassa left him when he was around 1yo so he prob wouldn’t remember shit but man we never gonna get that explanation huh. it’s kinda messed up to leave this baby behind who i assume you care about; it’s another story if she didn’t want the kid and therefore didn’t care what happened to him but she left a bracelet w him which implies she does care

also the loose end of them not telling apollo and trucy they’re siblings. i’ll save this for a later paragraph though

also side note but when i was finishing the game up and before i saw the ending, i literally had a passing, very brief thought like “oh what if lamiror was actually trucy and apollo’s mom lol. what a crack thought” but then it actually happened... i mean it’s good to wrap up that mystery of lamiror’s past, plus they were insinuating so hard that maybe thalassa wasn’t actually dead lol so yeah you knew the mom was gonna pop up fr by the end

apollo himself as a character. now i’m not gonna nit-pick as much here bc he does show up again in later games w more backstory and character development as i’ve heard, but yeah he is very much a mystery character in aa4 i feel. he has basically no given history throughout the game, and the lack of detail made sense at first when you slowly started connecting the dots that he and the gramarye power were related, but then they never really shed any more light on him at the end. they really only reveal he and trucy are related just to explain why and how he has the power to perceive, not even to really indicate anything abt them as characters. i kinda forgot about this as i played the game, but i read a write-up by someone else being like “oh yeah phoenix you know his motivations as a defense attorney but apollo has basically none” and i was like yeah that’s right huh. bc the 1st trilogy reveals p early on that phoenix had a certain motivation to be a defense attorney but apollo you don’t get that, he’s just an attorney just to be an attorney i guess. which i mean is fine, you don’t always need a reason to do stuff sometimes, but it does make him a weaker character. i think maybe in the beginning they were like oh apollo respects kristoph as a lawyer but then they don’t really develop mpre  backstory there like how they met or why kristoph decided to take him on. i thought the latter was gonna be a point that was gonna come up, like maybe kristoph took apollo on as part of his large masterplan or something bc i think kristoph does mention being aware of apollo’s “power” but yeah they didn’t delve further into that. anyway i’ll go less on this bc i’ll just assume they had plans for him to show up in later games therefore they didn’t fully flesh him out here. otherwise that means they just didn’t bother on him other than him having the perceive power and having a personal relation to the whole gramarye case

how did drew misham or vera idk who painted it know abt all of apollo’s 3 cases? i thought it was gonna be like oh phoenix or kristoph saw all this coming and somehow told misham abt it who drew it but uh that didn’t happen. was that bc drew misham was following phoenix in the news and saw the stuff happening w apollo and was inspired to draw his cases? that was a dramatic reveal when apollo/trucy/ema found it out but i mean i guess it was just to show that misham was connected to them/the overall story more than just a simple jurist sys test case

the last writing thing i’ll mention is abt trucy and apollo being siblings. after the whole phoenix x maya crap in the 1st trilogy i suspected they were gonna do the same with apollo and trucy... thankfully they didn’t which was good bc i liked them a lot as a platonic duo, also since i actually thought apollo was 25yo for a while so that age gap is pretty weird too if you do it romantically. i suspected they were actually related p early on after discussing my playthrough w my sis who upon googling info said ‘lol i did say why not ship them but i will not say that anymore’ so i was like lol it’s prob bc she found out they were related or something. regardless i mean i would have suspected that anyway bc the game pushes the ‘oh this perceive power is really only seen in trucy’s family line’ so hard so it’s like not that hard to draw the line bw them, esp when they’re super vague abt apollo’s history and how he even got that bracelet in the 1st place. anyway i think it’s cute to imagine two siblings running all over town to solve shit. as expected tho, there are still ppl out there who ship them even after knowing the truth which is meh but i mean what do you expect of fandom/the internet.

although one of my biggest disappointments is the fact that apparently even in later games, the two never find out they’re siblings. i mean i guess it’s not a major plot point that NEEDS to be addressed as covered in point #3 above, but come on? their mom is literally still alive? a mom and her children reuniting and developing their family relationship again? i mean she’s been so distanced from them for so long that a family reunion would be awkward sure but zak literally made phoenix promise to tell trucy apollo was her bro so i’m surprised he never told her even before his conversation with thalassa at the end of the game. like i thought for sure they were gonna reveal their sibling relationship in aa4 but sadly my imagined revelation scene never happened

(i literally thought up a funny scene too... them seeing thalassa and both being like “MOM??” at the same time and then looking at each other in confusion before thalassa confirms that yes she is both of their moms. although this makes less sense on apollo’s part since he prob wouldn’t remember what she looks like but i mean same bracelets)

otherwise, gameplay was pretty interesting this time around. music was bopping tbh, i played aa4 right after finishing trials and tribulations and wow the music quality improvement was so obvious. the perceive thing was pretty cool and their tutorial on how to use it was super cute lol (apollo: that’s cool but i’m freaking out a little here // trucy: yeah your eyes are kinda bugging out); although absolutely hilarious on how apollo "explained” it in court... imagine a lawyer looking real hard at you and then being like ‘actually you swallowed weird when you said this therefore you’re lying’... i cannot even imagine how that sounded the 1st time to the judge and klavier... anyway i also thought the MASON technologies chapter was really interesting, w phoenix going back and forth through time and using evidence from the future for the past and vice versa. fun time traveling stuff!

ok and that’s kind of all i wanted to say i guess. i’m prob gonna try to stay in the dark on fan content stuff like i was purposely doing before playing aa... i was looking some stuff up and i was like ‘huh... i didn’t get this impression of apollo or the apollo/klavier ship when i was playing aa4...’ i don’t want to get my own opinion of these characters warped by fan content/others’ opinions so i might just take a bit of time to solidify how i feel about/characterize each of the characters before i trek out into fandom land. also it’s prob bc i haven’t played apollo’s later games since he supposedly gets more character dev later. tbh idk if i will bc to be frank i’ve been using emulators to play aa so far and i don’t think there’s a rom out for the later aa games on 3ds. i mean if there really isn’t, i’ll prob just watch a playthrough on YT so i can continue the aa story since i did like apollo as a character despite his lack of backstory.

i was considering skipping edgeworth’s games to go right to dual destinies and continue on apollo’s story/the aftermath of that game, but tbh i’m less incentivized to since i’ve heard that the story/character continuity aspect kind of goes out the window in later games (also the point abt apollo and trucy still being in the dark abt them being siblings. even though yes it wouldn’t change how they interact w each other, i would also prefer the fact to be known officially in-universe so characters don’t be freaks as apparently there are some lines in later games that are a little weird). i mean i could end up having a different opinion abt the continuity, but yeah seeing those comments did put a damper on me diving straight towards dual destinies. so i might just play edgeworth’s games first as i originally planned anyway since they were developed right after even if they take place before aa4

[fanficsandfluff]

The Best Spider-Man

I took the liberty of kind of joining this prompt with this one. I tried my best to get a balanced feel of both of these prompts to make one cohesive story. Hope you like it, sweeties!

Words: 2,722

Another lab report due by the end of the week. Jesus, this was the third week in a row his teacher did that to the class. And that means a whole lot of staying up late typing the damn thing. Peter Parker knew he’d be getting straight A’s anyway. It was just another thing piled up on his week’s worth of science, math, language, english, and technical homework.

You can do it, Peter. You’re Spider-Man. You can do anything.

Oh right, Spider-Man. Yet another load onto Peter’s full plate. He wanted to be Spider-Man full-time! But unfortunately, it wasn’t up to him. It was up to Tony Stark. 

Speaking of the man, Tony had been paying Peter more visits. Whether it was to scold him or congratulate him on something, Tony was acting more and more like some father figure to the kid. Except when he wasn’t.

Tony had become semi-obsessed with teaching Peter everything he knew. How to be the most spidery Spider-Man ever. The training added another weight to Peter’s young shoulders. He could’ve easily said no and that he was too busy, but what would Mr. Stark think of him then? That he wasn’t strong enough to bear the burden of being Spider-Man? Hell no. He couldn’t have that. 

So Peter was stuck dealing with schoolwork, his social life, being a superhero, and making time for Iron Man’s teaching. Wow, he was so screwed. 

A weekend arrived. Finally! Some relaxation at last, right? His cell phone ringing and the voice of Tony being the caller told Peter that he was wrong to assume he’d ever get a break. 

The phone call went something like:

“Hey, kiddo. You free today?” “Me? Oh um, yeah I think so, Mr. Stark. Why?” “I was gonna ask Happy to pick you up and take you to the Towers. I have a new upgrade for your suit I think you’ll like.” “That’s... that’s real nice of you, Mr. Stark. Sure. I’ll come over.” “Great. See you soon.”

Peter sighed after he hung up and flopped down onto his bed, shutting his eyes. He needed sleep. If not sleep, he needed at least an hour with no worries and no responsibilities. 

But within half an hour, Peter was showered and dressed and Happy was downstairs ready to pick him up. He was too tired to even annoy Happy today.

Upon his arrival, Happy took Peter to the gym inside the upstate Avengers facility where Tony was waiting for him. 

“There he is. Spiderboy,” Tony teased gently, welcoming Peter with a smile. 

“Hi,” Peter mustered up his own smile and he waved to Tony.

“C’mere, let me show you what I have so far. Then I want your comments.”

Tony showed Peter a new power grid for his suit as well as a new program that improves Peter’s agility within it. That and a few other tweaks were what Tony started off with.  

Peter listened attentively, offering minor quips about the technology Tony was developing for those programs. Tony took in each one with humbled pride. 

“Alright, now that that’s out of the way, why don’t we take the suit for a test run? You and me? Sparring?” 

Peter almost threw up at the word, not imagining he could handle a full on fight after a night of no sleep. His tired look of disgust transformed into an appreciative smile just for Tony. 

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

Peter got changed into his Spidey suit and met Tony in a large sparring arena. 

“Now, I’m an old man so go easy on me,” Tony joked, hoping to get a crack of a smile or a laugh from the kid. Nothing. Tony sensed early on that something was on Peter’s mind, but he figured maybe not bringing it up was his best bet. 

Tony was trying to teach Peter all the new moves and specialty powers he could unlock from his suit. Tony was very aware how much this sounded like a video game tutorial. 

Peter would try. Most of the moves he’d get right, and a specialty web would shoot out of his wrist. But there was always one or two he stumbled on. 

“It’s alright, Pete. Why don’t we move on to the next one?”

Peter was panting, that one move taking a lot out of his sleep-deprived body. 

“T-There’s more?” 

“Only another five or so,” Tony shrugged, “Then I want you to actually use them. Against me.”

Peter wanted to groan out loud. He choked it back in his throat and continued on with the moves. 

Once it was the final new move, Peter found he didn’t have the stamina to do it. He tried and tried, over and over again. Each time the jumps and kicks taking more and more out of him. 

Tony couldn’t sense the fatigue so much and just continued watching, thinking Peter just had to find his groove. 

He was proved wrong when Peter tore off his mask and screamed, “I can’t do it!”

Tony stood still, shocked at the sudden outburst, “Peter...”

“I can’t do it! I-I know you want me to, Mr. Stark, but... there’s just so much going on right now. So damn much,” Peter threw his mask on the ground as tears welled up in his eyes, “I’m not the superhero you want me to be. B-But I’m trying! I’m doing my homework, studying for my tests, going out at night and stopping the bad guys and--” he sniffled, “It’s so much... You believe in me, I know. You put so much faith in me and here I am, unable to manage every little thing I should be able to. I’m not cut out for this, Tony,” a tear slipped down Peter’s cheek. Not waiting for Tony to give him any answers, Peter ran out of the sparring gym. 

Tony rocked back and forth on his heels. He then took a few steps forward and picked up Peter’s discarded mask. With calm, even steps, he went in search for Peter. After asking the Tower’s supercomputer where he was of course.

Peter ran through the Towers, going up a flight of stairs and turning a corner. He continued running until he found an open door. It seemed to be an unoccupied sleeping quarters. Probably unused and brand new, judging by the pristine-ness of it all and the smell. He ducked inside there and shut the door behind him. 

Peter took one look at himself in the mirror there and he got even more enraged. He screamed with anger and anxiety all mixed into one tearful shout. He ripped the suit off his body and kicked it after throwing it to the ground. Then he curled up on the pearly white bedsheets, sobbing quietly. Weak. That’s what he was. He couldn’t handle even the least bit of pressure. And he just exploded like that in front of Tony Stark. He was done being Spider-Man. That was the end, he was sure of it. 

Now only clad in boxers, Peter sniffled into the pillows, holding one close to his chest. 

Minutes past and Peter was still upset and crying. He couldn’t stop his tears once the stress took over. This had happened before.

Half an hour. Peter shut his eyes and was no longer crying. He cleared his mind and just sat in silence. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. By now, all expression on his face was nonexistent. A blank stare accompanied with red eyes from his fit of crying. 

A sudden knock on his door made Peter cringe and he rolled onto his side, back facing the door. He did not want to interact. 

Tony stepped in after waiting thirty seconds post-knock. He saw the forgotten suit on the ground first and then the curled up pale blob that was Peter. Tony sat down on the edge of the bed, fiddling with something in his hands. 

“When I was a little younger than you, and I’d be upset or stressed about something, you know what my dad would do? He’d stand in my room and tell me, ‘You’ve got to be better.’ Hmm,” Tony stared in front of him absently as he reminisced, “And I’d always think, gee... that was some shitty pep talking. I mean, he didn’t even say ‘You’re better than this,’ or ‘It’s okay, things will get better.’ I got none of that. And it’s funny because... every time I speak to you, the one thought always running through my mind is don’t be him. So I have to be better to you than my dad ever was to me. I’m failing,” Tony smiled sadly, “Clearly. I can’t read the signs that you’re tired. That you need a break. I mean, you’re just a kid. I’m starting to realize... I’m exactly like Howard.”

“No.”

Tony turned his head, surprised to hear the second voice pipe up. Peter was now sitting up, half his body still turned away from Tony. 

“You aren’t like that, Mr. Stark. You’re doing everything right, it’s me that’s the problem.”

“If you are still believing that you’re the problem, there’s something going on. Right?” Tony lifted half his leg onto the bed to look at Peter fully, “Pete, you’re an amazing kid. And I don’t say that to every Spiderboy I know.”

A glimmer of amusement shown in Peter’s eye.

“I picked you for a reason. Took you under my wing, gave you the suit, given you all the support I can give. I see the strength in you. I see what you’ve been through. And frankly, I see myself.”

Peter’s cheeks tinted with blush. 

“You get easily distressed, easily anxious, and pressure isn’t the thing you handle best. But I wouldn’t take my Spider-Man any other way. We both gotta just keep,” Tony gently socked Peter’s shoulder, “Rolling with the punches. I’ll be a better mentor. I’ll recognize the signs easier. I promise. I’ll work on that. And we’ll make you the best superhero you can be. Okay?”

Peter took in all of what Tony said and he nodded. Tony tossed the thing he’d been holding in his hands this whole time at Peter. The teen caught it and he sighed, now looking at his mask. 

“New York needs Spider-Man,” Tony concluded, shrugging his shoulders, giving Peter a knowing look. 

Peter nodded again and he was about to speak but another article of clothing got chucked into his face. Oh, how sentimental, Tony.

“No big speeches, that’s my job. And especially not when you’re half naked.”

Peter huffed and he grinned, seeing that Tony threw his change of clothes at him. 

“Thank you, Mr. Stark,” Peter slipped on his shirt. 

Peter knew Tony was doing all the right things. He had all the right instincts. Tony knew to give him some time to cool down, and when he confronted him, he wasn’t all about yelling at him to get him to come to his senses. He wasn’t lovey dovey with hugs or anything and that was nice, too. 

“So, what can I do to make it up to you?”

“Nothing. You don’t owe me anything.”

“I can take you out for ice cream. Isn’t that what dads do? Hell, you don’t know either so why am I even asking?”

Peter grinned again, “It sounds like something a dad would do. Especially taking his son to get the biggest soft serve cone out there.”

Tony reciprocated the grin, “Oh boy, it sounds like Peter’s being sassy.”

Peter stood up to pull his jeans on properly and he smiled at Tony, “I think I know who I got that from.”

Tony chuckled now, the joke still carrying on, “Wanna sit on dad’s lap and tell him all your woes? Girl troubles? Friend drama? Sexual escapades?”

Peter let out a laugh and he grabbed a pillow, pushing it into Tony’s back, “Stop! You’re soho creepy!”

Tony smirked and while Peter was pushing the pillow into him, he turned and was able to nab one of Peter’s arms and wrench him forward. So now Peter was on his back beside Tony. 

“What’s the big deal? I’m just trying to get my boy to confess to me,” Tony, while still holding one of Peter’s wrists, used his free hand to spider a set of fingers into the teen’s belly. 

The soft, teasing sensation send shocks up Peter’s spine, and he yelped. He could do little to stop it from happening, despite being Spider-Man.

“T-Tony! No wait! Plehease don’t!”

“My dad never did this to me. I gotta be his opposite, Pete, you know that.”

Tony latched onto both of Peter’s skinny yet muscular sides and kneaded them up and down. He heard Peter’s laughter escalate and he knew he was doing something right. 

“Thihis isn’t fair! NO! Tony, not thehehere! ACK!” 

Peter whined and cackled when Tony’s fingers crawled up to ripple against his ribcage. Peter struggled harder now and was able to wiggle himself away from Tony for a second. But he wound up with his upper half hanging off the side of the bed and Tony held onto him tighter so he wouldn’t move. With Peter’s ribs now sticking out more prominently thanks to his back being stretched, Tony massaged and caressed his way up each and every rib. 

Peter’s mouth was open in a wide smile, desperate laughter pouring from his lips. He could barely form words to beg Tony to stop. But did he really even want this to stop? This was a drastic 180 compared to his earlier behavior. 

“SHIHIT!” Peter wailed and panted when he got a break. Tony’s fingers stilled on his highest ribs, Peter’s arms clamping protectively to his sides. 

“How’re you holding up?” Tony asked with a wicked grin, his face popping over the edge of the bed to look at Peter. 

“J-Juhust don’t go any hihigher...” Peter panted, his head hanging back to savor this moment’s rest. 

Tony rose a curious brow, “Does the spider have a weak spot under his arms?”

Peter blushed and tried worming away again, “Noho he doesn’t!” the teasing wasn’t helping his predicament at all.

Tony smirked and he slid his hands up under Peter’s protective arms and wiggled his fingers briefly just to test it. Peter shrieked just from those two seconds of tickling, and Tony could feel his arms press harder into his sides. 

The billionaire playboy resumed his tickle attack, able to scritch every bit of skin in Peter’s armpits just fine. Peter threw his head back and dislodged himself from Tony’s hold just a little more so now he was hanging upside down from the bed. 

“TOHONYYY! STAHAAA!” Peter was done for now. He couldn’t finish words and all that overtook him was his own laughter. 

“Isn’t this like the part of you always vulnerable? What with you swinging on webs and climbing buildings? Geez, some warning would’ve been nice before we named you Spider-Man. Better planning should go into future heroes if they’re all as ticklish as you.”

Peter’s face got even redder and he shook his head back and forth, unable to escape Tony’s torturous digits. They wouldn’t stop wiggling and digging into his hollows. It was hell. 

Eventually, Peter’s squirming got to be so adamant that he fell off the bed and landed on the floor with a soft thud. Tony chortled and looked down at Peter. 

“You good, Pete?”

Peter was still giggling, and he looked right up at Tony, “Behetter.”

Tony’s heart warmed and he got off the bed, helping Peter to his feet. He couldn’t help but ruffle the kid’s hair affectionately. Tony decided to call off the suit repairs and training for the rest of the day. He even offered to help Peter with his schoolwork, but the brainiac declined, as Tony expected. 

Before Peter left with Happy, he ran towards Tony and squeezed him in a tight hug. 

“See you, Mr. Stark.”

Tony smiled and he patted Peter’s back, “Go show that chemistry teacher who’s boss.”

Peter laughed and nodded before jogging off to meet up with Happy at the car. He spun around and waved to Tony one last time before leaving. 

Tony stood there and watched the car drive off. Now that was the Spider-Man he’d come to know and love. 

[jm-ph-2-3]

The "Hustle Paradox" Part 1: Are we really working hard? or are we hard working? 

An essay by Morgan Adriano

               Disclaimer: This is just my current perspective on the "hustle culture" and it's influence on us both positive and negative. Please take this with a grain of salt. I do not consider myself as part of the "woke" people because this is just a piece about my current reflections, observations and perspective about the topic. I am not part of the so called minimalists, essentialists, nihilist, communists, stoicist, vegetarianist, crossfitits (oops) Or any -ist out there. I'm just speaking from what I recently accrued from the different perspectives (albeit meager in number) and experiences. This is not a piece in which to condemn, criticise and judge those who are in it and support the idea that we should never work hard. But rather this piece was made with the intention to take another view and challenge the message in which we have been oversaturated within culture and mass media and to promote a better mindset.  So learn what you can and apply what you must and throw what is unnecessary in the trash can. This may resonate with you and/or offend you at the same time. So................ just take a chill pill bro. Its just an opinion.                                                                                                                                       -Now you maybe thinking: "Why the title. I don't understand it. Working hard is good? right?" and so I thought. Well the title was made to look nice, coherent and "proper". But it really translates to: are we working hard for our own or our goal's sake or are we just portraying an image that make us seem like we are hard working?                                                               

Join me, as you the reader, and I both immerse ourselves in my sub-par writing skills filled with grammatical errors and sickening amount of pop-culture references and into my deep dark revealing thoughts on "HUSTLE"              

*Initiate X-files theme. Which I haven’t really watched and just heard it in different memes so... ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQoRXhS7vlU                                                                        

We are constantly bombarded with messages (From celebrities, leaders, entrepreneurs, sports icons (Shout out to the Last Dance Documentary because that was sick), public figures etc.), podcasts, motivational youtube videos, music, movies, books and etc. on why must working hard constantly 24/7/365 (Inspired by the surfaces' song. LOL). We should wake up at 4am, sleep less because sleep is for the weak, no breaks because your opponent's winning when you take a break, slave yourself to your work, work in more and hang out less. We are so absorbed to the idea that we post stories about how hardworking we are by taking pictures of your work station or the book we just read or tweet that we working in the weekends #NoVacay #WorkHard #Hustle #GrindLife . And to be completely candid with you, I was that person that I am currently describing. So heavily invested with the idea of working hard than anybody else, sacrificing my sleep, nutrition, health and my well-being for that idea. Would flex the things I’m currently doing/working on or flex so hard about how hard I’m training that it eventually ripped my shorts in the gym (Yes, this actually happened and No, nobody was their to see it. But you know what Barney said: “Whatever you do in this life, it’s not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.” So I gotta post that *curse word* to git meh sum layks and let dem now that it happened). This is true from high school through college and through my first year working. Take it from a guy (Here comes the bragging and his big  fat obnoxious ego) who was able to get into provincial level competition in football and almost got into the country's amateur league (Having a jersey counts!!!>_<), studied in one of the prestigious schools in the country and graduated with latin honours. (And you may say to yourself: Wow what a pretentious arse.... HAHAHAHA.......... Aaaand you're right.) But if you stripped down everything, I just wanted to show everybody that I am  a "hardworker". I want them notice how hard I studied, worked, trained not for something but just for the sake for it. It was actually overcompensating for something. And I may say this cliche statement that: "No BrO, I dO iT FoR tHe lOvE Of ThE PrOCeSs nOt The AwArdS, ThE rEcoGnITioN anD thE mOnEy" (Imagine the spongebob meme please to make it more funny). I learned this the hard way and I'm still learning, to be honest. This "lie" that you (I) tell yourself (myself) can only help you go so far to the point you reach what I call the "wall" (I would like to reference the scene from Run Fat Boy Run where Simon Pegg's Character: Dennis hits this runner’s wall)(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pttqFUviWs).                                                                                                                                                          -But this wall that I am describing is a different kind of wall. This may manifest by symptoms of pseudo burnout (I say pseudo because you are not really tired of what your doing something you love but you're tired of presenting your self as such frame/image). And yes this has been proven in the literature in a paper recently published this year (2020) by Dr. Nadir and colleagues from the Greendale Community College (Yes, this is obviously a joke: if you don’t get the reference. #sixseasonsandamovie and No, there is no published paper on said topic but I found one blog/rant and paper that “almost” discussed the topic hahaha!)

Blog/rant: https://dwighttowers.wordpress.com/2012/06/23/rant-burnout-and-pseudo-burnout/

Paper: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6587911/

             This wall can force you to either: Quit or Reframe.                          

1. Let's say you took the first one: You quit. You say: "Nah man this thing is not for me. I will go and show that I'm "hard working" at something else. You blame the field, you blame the system, you blame society. BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY (youtube.com/watch?v=UkhC0caZRNU)                                              

 2. Or you reframe: You reset your mind, allow yourself to become vulnerable, let your ego be destroyed, crushed, tortured, mutilated and be stripped down to its bare nakedness.(Sorry for the imagery: The ego is really a big pain in the butt. You can learn more thru the book: Ego Is The Enemy by Ryan Holiday which I highly recommend even though I haven't read HAHAHA! But it's in my "next reading list" so don't worry). You just let everything be stripped down to it's bare chassis and look what are the components that make you (What's the engine?, the tires?, the brakes? the interior?). What are you showing to the outside word? What are the driving motives? What kind of person are you? Who are you? (Please let me reference the most funniest scene in flim: Rush Hour 3 The You? Me? Him?) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAVnOz7i-JA) Scary introspective stuff right? hahaha!                                                                                                                                                                                                  -But kidding aside, it really helps that you. Yes you! recognise it as early as now. Don't wait for anybody to calling it out for you (which rarely happens if they are with agreeable people or just really don't care about you) or worse, waiting for that wall to hit you right in the face. Don't be like me (WOW such "inspiration” )  "BEFORE". It all boils down what YOU really want in life and WHO you are living for. The praise of others? or just you? (Sheesh this sounds too guru-y)                                                                                                                                                                                 -With all this talk about how this "hustle" culture, you may think that I just hate the process or I am not committed to it or I am just ungrateful privileged brat who should keep his thoughts and ideas to himself and keep my head down and put skin in the game. So my rebuttal to that is: Okay boomer... LOL Kidding aside, I did think about that but you must understand that I WAS part of the culture of hustle. I craved to be in a library or a coffee shop with my laptop and study or researched away with a good cup of iced americano with a shot of mocha and  breve milk (Look at this entitled brat and his expensive coffee). I would run on 3-4 hours of sleep from staying up late "studying" (Actually have 3 youtube breaks- related to my field and 4-8 youtube breaks about cars, music reviews, overanalysing movies and productivity tips) (How Ironic). I would spend hours and hours doing “hard work”. But the question is was it effective? Was it helping me inch closer to my goals? We have long fetishised the idea of becoming busy just because other people are doing it or to show ourselves in a particular way.                                                                                                         -You see what I am aiming here is the issue of the heart.  What are the underlying motives of why you are doing these things. And this can be encapsulated simply by the most used cliche that I think most of you have heard in mainstream media , especially from Eric Thomas' motivational clips (Usually listened to this before work or a competition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XIGu3Kxg2I): HWAT IS YO WAAAI?                                     (Obviously read: Start With Why by Simon Sinek. Great book!).                                                                                                                                                      -To quote scripture from the gospel of Matthew 6:21 = "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.". This is such a crucial part of knowing yourself. I can't stress this enough for myself. Where it comes from, determines when it runs out. Whatever you put your priority in or in other words; where you put your heart in, thats what controls your joy. So whats controlling your joy?                                                                                                        -And to conclude: I myself, am not saying that working hard is inherently bad. Working hard allows us to get out of the ashes of debt, failure and pain. Working hard helped birth new inventions, innovations, great people, leaders, visionaries that inspire us to do the same. And this piece does not serve as a jail pass card to be lackadaisical slumps. And eventually you may have the audacity to blame me why you didn't get where you want or what you want in life. So please don't hahaha. 

We all have responsibilities in life. And it is something we must accept (Especially as I and probably most of you Gen Z'ers or post-millenials reading this essay enter *gulp "adulthood") [It's post-millennial or Gen Z not "millennial". C'mon cuh get yo facts straight]. We have a responsibility to our world, our nation, our society, our community, our friends, our family, ourselves. But also our future selves, family, friends, community, society, nation and world. If that doesn't give you perspective then I don't know what will. It is the matter of mindset. When you have a proper mindset plus the direction then hard work and ambition can be used as a tremendous tool for success. But if you allow your mindset to get out of whack and lose direction then hard work and ambition can consume you which will leave you stuck in a never ending race and feel unfulfilled with what you’re working on 

 -For a profound ending: Maybe this is why COVID-19 had to happen, (By the way, I am by no means downplaying the affect of this pandemic has in our lives and the lives of others. This is just a personal reflection so don't get triggered and "cancelledt" me) we have become so self-absorbed with things that don't even matter. The misguided things and narratives that we tell ourselves. Which leads us being irresponsible and unaware of the state and condition of our hearts. And hopefully, may this period may give us the opportunity to try again. To give it another go. Another crack at it.

 So before embarking on your 4 hour deep focus study/work/train/mastery session (With some "lofi hip hop radio - beats to relax/study to" blasting in the background and a aromatic cup of coffee), ask yourself?      Why?........tho.......                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Thank you again friend, for dedicating this short time of your "busy?" or "working?" day hahaha! to read this essay. I had fun writing (*Cough typing because my handwriting still sucks) this piece. Which is evident with the references hehe. Although there are some points I haven’t explored because this topic is pretty wide and controversial I bet so stay tuned for part 2 of this 2 part essay. I hope this piece resonates with you as it resonates with me and helps you become more aware and more mindful. However, if you disagree with all my sentiments, thats great! More power to you! We have to understand that everybody's circumstance is different. We live very different lives. We have very different backgrounds, ideas and experiences. We live in very different “seasons”! We learn different things in different time periods. This was maybe my time to learn this and maybe not the best time for you. Let us not fight but rather collaborate in this continuous pursuit of clarity and the navigation of this journey we are all partaking in. Please do message me if you want so we can talk and discuss more (not argue! HAHAHA) So that I may learn from you and your views as well. Cheers my friend!

[natzeeab1962]

GAIMAN GOT ME GAME

 For somebody, who in high school, read little and wrote much less (I plagiarized whole sections of encyclopedias for my term papers), writing fiction was never in my cross-hairs. I just didn’t have the aptitude, the attitude, let alone the altitude for it. I didn’t have the rudimentary tools, not to mention the fortitude, to string words into what would decently qualify as literary. It was simply too daunting and damn hard. Even if I attempted to do so, who would be foolish enough to publish the stories I might have been goaded to write? The fiction that usually made it to the printed page of national magazines or publications, well, the craft was certainly there but they were the types usually discussed in university writing classes, writing workshops and…well (trying to stifle a yawn here) let’s just say not the ones I would like to curl up to in bed.

 Besides I was more a flick guy than a lit guy. I finally ditched my business course in college because I finally found my calling - to make movies. But knowing how expensive that would take to help me practice my filmmaking chops, I settled on the second best option; go for the least expensive enterprise that was writing screenplays. I resolved this was the only kind of serious writing I would do and hoped to make a good living from it. In the years following that, little did I know that I was already treading that hitherto unchartered territory called fiction writing when prepping my screenplays. You see, I would never hazard to start a movie script without a road map in the form of a sequence outline. It was imperative for me that the story was carved out clearly in my head before I wrote FADE IN.  Often, I wrote those outlined scenes in staccato, fragmented (not to mention grammatically cavalier) sentences. Eventually that became an encumbrance because it made the story muddled when I reviewed the outline later. My wife thought so too when I made her read those outlines. So I took more pains fleshing out the story line and without meaning to I was also shaping the outcome of what I vowed and dreaded never to get into in the first place.

 Sometime in the late 00’s, Neil Gaiman, the twisted brain trust behind seminal fan-boy classics such as Sandman and American Gods among others (none of which I have read to this day due to limitations on my book budget) visited the Philippines for a book signing and eventually sponsored a short story writing competition for amateur writers. I caught up with it too late when the contest had just concluded its second run. Thinking that there this would now be a yearly thing, I eagerly looked forward to the next installment.

 Wait. This was fiction and not a screenplay competition, right? What was I thinking? But this was Neil Freakin’ Gaiman. If he liked my story enough to make him win it, it could be just the gateway I needed to introduce my screen stories to Hollywood.  What had I really got to lose? This was my chance to let my freak flag fly and get significant attention for it. This was after all, Neil Freakin’ Gaiman.

Even if there was no announcement yet for a next installment, I thought what better time than today to get started. I was no spontaneous genius combustion who could churn out a story at a moment’s notice yet make it appear like there was so much time and sweat poured into. I reckoned by the time the announcement was made, I would have revised the work to death and make it contest-ready.

 As I ventured, more like hazarded into it, it was then I realized scribbling those script outlines had somehow prepared me for it. As per contest rules, the short story entry should not be more than sixteen pages, single-spaced (Can’t remember now if there was also a font size requirement). Since my outlines usually stretched to about twenty to thirty pages, it bolstered my confidence that I could churn out something for this.

 I knocked off a draft in about two weeks (squeezing it between my office duties). The result was “Airwaves” which is one of the stories that appear now in my book. When I reviewed what I would refer to now as my trash draft I was amazed. The story was good and the writing didn’t suck as much as I had feared. Then I went on to revise and rework the story some more, each time the draft becoming more like a decent work of fiction. By the time I was done, I was not just satisfied but completely proud of it. I even believed I had a fighting chance in Neil’s fiction pow-wow.

 As it turned out, that hoped-for third installment of the contest never materialized. For some reason, Neil ceased sponsorship of it altogether. The local counterparts at Fully Booked weren’t just as keen in sustaining it.  I was crushed. I was so ready. I was sure somehow I had a fighting chance of winning (even if I had a storied history of losing contests). Why oh why did he pull the plug on it now? What was I going to do with my story?

 Strangely, that would not be my first and last foray into scribbling hyperbolic scenarios on print. Stoked by that experience, I would take another crack at it a couple of years later. I even had the gumption to enter the outcome in the Children’s Story category of the country’s most prestigious literary competition. The result of that effort was “Ralph’s Polo”, which also appears in my latest story collection. True to my contest curse, my entry never made it to the winners’ circle (my other entry for the screenplay competition suffered a similar fate).

 Not deterred by that loss and with my movie writing career going nowhere anyway, I decided to plod on and fashion out those other ideas in my head into works of fiction. The rest, as one would be inclined to say, is the history of how the other entries in my book came to be.

 In an oblique way, I have Neil Gaiman to thank for my humble inclusion into this league of hyper-imaginative story conjurers, which the Harold Blooms of this world would readily dismiss as literary cousins on the other side of the tracks. If not for his short-lived sponsorship to discover a fresh batch of yarn weavers in these parts, I never would have made that audacious attempt to write fiction.

 I still wonder though how he would have judged my entry had his contest gone on. If he thought it sucked, well I only have this to say to him –

 “Gaiman, you got me gamin’ on this. Suck on it.”

[swearronchanel]

Impromptu post, thoughts during 5.05

I'm so pissed I literally lost an earring at some point today and just realized. So I ripped my dorm room apart looking for it (no luck of course) and now it's 9:30 so I already missed half of the new episode of Jane the Virgin. Also my earrings are from Tiffany's, they were a Christmas gift a couple years ago & I can't afford to replace it😭 whatever you guys don't care about this, I'm so tired but I refuse to fall asleep at 9:30pm because I'll wake up at like 5am. So I decided to watch a random episode of Call The Midwife and share my thoughts.

Ok I'm going with 5.05, since we just saw 6.05 lol, idk If there's any logic but just go with it alright

ah the old credits, I really like the new ones though. Especially the color

"We were moving from a time of guessing.." I love how the show explains & shows that times are changing

The health report! Littt

"I feel a drumroll is in order" Shelagh is so precious!! 💖 I love her Scottish accent && side note I still wish they would mention one day how she got London. It literally does not matter at all but we know next to nothing about her past and im curious ?! More of Shelagh’s past pls

WAIT ONE OF MY FAV SHELAGH LINES IS COMING

"Patrick Turner, GP License to Practice Medicine and Secret Agent Shelagh Turnova save Poplar from ill health and disease!" I LOVE ITTTT😂 ONE OF HER BEST LINES EVER DONT @ ME, her laugh at the end is priceless ah! Shelagh is lowkey funny af she just rarely gets to opportunity and again Laura Main is an actual gem 😍

KEEP FIT

Trixie looking so good😍 i need her to whip my ass back in to shape. i havent worked out in like 3 months yikes

but seriously is this really my train of thoughts if i dont mention how perfect Helen George is?

yea its fuccking cancer, cigs are no joke

lol did they really not notice Tim reading Freud?

Also why did Shelagh ever think smoking cigarettes was a good idea after she freaking had tb? i forgive her though shes my bby💕

phyllis! my mother and hero

oh yea this lady cant read

forgot she was a ex-prostitute

vi and fred doing jumping jacks im dead, theyre a cute couple

Where did frankincense come from??

lol violet didnt wanna give up the bathroom door "we may be married but i still have my dignity"

Mrs Dooly? Is that her name (idk)

I can so see Shelagh delivering her baby herself like this lady did, but obviously she’d know what’s happening. You think Shelagh is going to freak out while giving birth though? hmm  

"I do like a milky brew" WHY IS THAT FUNNY😂😂 I like the Delia & Sister MJ interaction

PHYLLIS TRYING TO RIDE A BIKE IS SYMBOLISM FOR ME TRYING TO GET THROUGH THIS SEMESTER #barelymanaging

does laying on a door really help a messed up back?

Those awful sleeves on Delia's uniform *cringe*

"I am not trusted with medical emergencies" I TRUST YOU SISTER MJ💕 lowkey hope the delivery sister MJ is involved in is Shelagh's

If I had to deliver my own baby I'd be freaking the fuck out too, like I'm not Dr Quinn

The Nonnatus Fam all at the table makes me happy😭

Sister Winifred rolling her eyes in the back 😂😂😂

"I'll be washing my hair and reading magazines from now on" yo sister Winifred is growing on me tbh?? Wow lol

"Ive always assumed the results of the male organ to be more rewarding than the organ itself" 😂😭 love sister MJ

Everyone in the convent shook😂 again sister W has the best reactions 😂 dick jokes are 100x funnier when they're made in a convent & 1000x funnier when they're made by a nun

Shelagh's "percussion" on Tim's back I'm dead lmfaoo

I don't remember if she has post partum ?

Fred taking over the shop😂 I miss when Fred used to scam though😭

"I'm missing my monthlys" "monthly whats?" Oh Fred cmon 😂

Tim snatching those cigarettes

Barbara trying to measure this lady😂😂 she's so awkward, love it

She leaves her baby outside smh

"Gosh James knows how to show a chap a nice time"  ANOTHER GREAT SHELAGH LINE😂 give my bby more great lines 😭😂

I LOVE CHEEKY SHELAGH, I LOVE SHELAGH ALL THE TIME EVEN WHEN SHE HAS NO LINES OR IS CRYING AND SAD (WHICH IS TOO OFTEN & WE NEEDA CUT THAT OUT)

Laura Main and Helen George calmly ruined me, I never was like this? How did I end up literally crying every week for fictional characters ??

Shelagh and Patrick's faces were so smug just now I love it

Yikes those lungs

Reminds me of all the gross anti smoking commercials. Also Patrick is shook but I'm not too surprised

I love that Phyllis is so understanding and doesn't judge any patient  💕

"You have the rest of your life to get the hang of it" I NEEDED THAT TOO PHYLLIS THANKS

LMAO FRED "Because hell will freeze over first"

so yes post partum??

Phyllis is annoyed bc she wants to work on her Spanish and babs is taking too long with the dishes 😂😂te querio mucho phyllis

Tim sparking up lol 🚬

Here comes trouble

I wanna rip Patrick's index finger off. Remember that time he wagged his finger and Shelagh and I was ready TO FREAKING FLIP

but yea wtf you knew this would happen Tim

Shelagh's just like "Tim no" I love u Shelagh but what does that do lmao your husband is exploding

"You'll what, light it for me!?" BOYYYY ARE YOU BRAVE KID

If I responded like that my parents would've flipped, there most likely would've been a chancla coming at me  😭😂

But seriously Patrick should know better not to smoke lol

What does Roxanne mean this isn't real??

Aw cute Patrick and Tim moment, and a year later they're getting drunk off one beer and throwing darts into the wall😂

I want to see more of Phyllis with babies aww

Also not really related but I hope Phyllis has some good lines defending the pill when it comes back up. Remember when she had babs shook when she told the story of the soldier she spent a weekend away with😏 imagine her telling the other nurses?

Used to hang out at a Jazz club Patrick?? lol interesting  

damn get that radium treatment man

"The real magic is keeping on when all you want to do is run" Phyllis Fucking Crane spilling the tea as always. How did I not like her once upon a time??

Could Shelagh get any cuter eating biscuits? No she could not

lol biscuits aren't just for fainters!! Ah I don't miss sister Ursula 🙃

that's not your mother😐 (I knew where she was going though but you know I'm gonna say it anyway)

More Shelagh and Phyllis interaction yes pls

How much is a shilling? #ignorantamerican

Fred hiding from the costumers 😂😂

Yes Vi! Defend ur man & kick this rude ass lady out

Lol now Patrick telling other people to quit smoking. Don Draper tried man, it's gonna take u a while 😭

I'm here for the Phyllis and Sister W dynamic (more now that Phyllis is teaching her how to drive 😂)

Ah I love going back to old episodes when I know what happens in the future, also I notice things I didn't notice before and make connections and yea, you catch my drift lmao

"We don't choose to be unloved by those who should love us"💔

we truly don't deserve Phyllis. SHE'S TALKING ABOUT HER MOTHER AND IM CRYING

"Shame will keep us in all kinds of prisons if we let it" 😭😭😭

Patrick has a puppy face rn

Wait they went this long without naming the baby??

omg speaking of that, I really want to know what the gender of baby Turner is going to be and what it will be named😭😭

Vi is precious lol & Fred lifting her is cute. Patrick never lifts Shelagh😂

Aw speaking of my bbys💕💕

So precious it’s almost strange Turner family moment

Why do so many people hate that couch? Like it doesn't bother me or maybe I don't care enough about the background?

Angela has grown so much in a year wow, she looks a lot younger here

lol Shelagh and Patrick are like "um wtf psychology??" 😂

Wait Angela made a noise😂 when will she actually speak??

Haha Shelagh you're going to need new dresses but you don't know yet 😭😂💕 I still can't believe she's having a baby. I Love it.

"You're my world" lol that was so cute but also I still think Tim is too perfect of a child?? what teenager is so pleasant with his parents all the time 😂 plus he's always with them and his baby sister? #givetimalife2k17aka1962

Aww all the cute concluding moments & Vanessa Redgrave saying something profound and we are done.  

[such-as-it-is]

The World Is Round - Chapter 9

Maro sat with her head buried deep into her arms, which were resting along the great table she was sitting at. Her stomach felt hollow as she struggled to keep her eyes open. She heard a door opening and judged the rest of the sounds around her to deduce that someone had just walked in and sat opposite her.

She lifted her head and peered through her knotted hair at Bartoq who was sitting in a very dignified manner. She fell back into her own arms.

“Good morning” he said. “I heard you slept on the couch. I hope you didn’t sleep too badly…” he paused for some moments. “I apologise that Theoden couldn’t be a better host, but as you can imagine things have been pretty hectic since you showed up”

Maro was silent.

The doors of the great council room opened up again and Maro lifted her head in time to see a lady on a wheelchair being pushed by an old man with white hair and a great moustache.

Bartoq spoke again. “Tarn… You look terrible”

“Well, at least I look as I feel” she replied in a washed out voice.

“I’m sure your strength will come back to you. No matter what happens though, it’s ok. We’re here for you”

The old man greeted Bartoq; “Bartoq”

“Maes” was Bartoqs reply greeting.

Someone else came through the doors and sat down next to Maro. Maro didn’t even lift up her head this time. She felt like she was half dreaming.

“I must say, you’re rocking that eye patch damn well” said Maes.

“Oh, thank you!” Said a female voice. “But then again, my bad aresery was never really that hard too.. SEE!”

“Oh spirits, Ferra” said Bartoq.

Ferra spoke again: “Why does everyone look so gloomy? We won! Yay!” No one replied. “Is this her? You know…”

“Wait, you mean to tell me there’s a person under all that hair?” Came Maes’ voice

“That’s her” came the faint sound of Tarn. “I’d recognise that hair anywhere”

At that moment the doors were opened with a loud thud and someone waltzed into the room.

“Sorry to keep ya waiting fellas” came the voice of Theoden who sat at the head of the table.

“That’s ok, we’re still waiting on Danji, anyway”

“Late as usual” said Maes and Theoden in sync which was followed by a laugh from everyone.

“Your guest is over tired…” said Bartoq

“I think we’re all over tired. No?” was his reply.

“Speak for yourself!” said Ferra.

And then for the last time the doors opened and someone walked in and sat down next to Ferra.

“Sorry for being late” he said.

Maro lifted her head up and removed her hair from her face.

“Dark spirits… You look nearly as bad as me!” said Tarn.

“Yeah, one would think you just fought a war or something…” said Maes followed by small laughter.

Theoden spoke.

“Before we start, I wanna say sorry to Maro. At least, I hope you were fed something… Yes? Well, look on the bright side, you have it way better than those folk we decided to throw in prison; especially considering what I’m about to tell you regarding them. But I digress, more on that later.

“I would like to start off this meeting with some good news! We found Heathahs body, and will give her a most honorable military funeral. I will carry out the discharge myself. May her soul ride the eternal currents of peace”

Maro jolted her head and turned to look at Theoden at the mention of Heathah. As theoden finished saying that, the others chanted all together: “May her memory be a blessing of the moon”

Maro shivered and spoke for the first time. “May her memory be a blessing of the moon” she said softly before Theoden continued.

“As you already could have guessed, Xeo and Kolt are getting third deg. The officers we caught will get second deg if they’re branded first otherwise. I wanna offer first deg to anyone who talks. I need to make sure we fully understand what is going here and that nothing like this ever happens again. Everyone else will be sent away and mass brandings will be given to those to don’t already have, regardless of who they are and where they came from”

“I’ll make sure it all happens as quickly as possible” said Danji. “I’ma get this spirit damned mess cleaned for all our sakes”

Theoden continued again.

“All that aside, I can’t think of anything else that needs addressing at the moment other than the obvious, which will come at another time. It’s a great thing they didn’t get anywhere near the Tribe or any neighbouring villages, or else this would make a much larger problem for us like after the battle of Koizilla… Anyway, Tarn, I wanna hear what you have to say”

“Yes sir. Chen and I were doing patrol on the wall over the front gate. I figured it would be good for me. It seemed fate was at my side that day. When Maro appeared at our gates it was hard to say, but I looked at the time candle when I took her to base. It was around 6:20 in the morning. Usually I would just send lost people on their way, but she had some pretty loaded connotations to say. She told me about the Kotls and Heathah. None of us had any idea Heathah was on the way though. I really didn’t believe her and it made me really mad, but I couldn’t let something so serious slip by, so I threatened her with second deg and called a routine but full-scale mobilisation drill. I figured it would be good practice even if it were wrong. How I wish Maro was wrong” concluded Tarn with a short high pitched gasp. “There’s… there’s nothing more to say really” she finished with a slight stutter.

“Are you sure? I thought you would have more to say…”

“Well I’m sure things are more complex from Maro’s perspective”

“Hmmm… Yes, I see” Theoden turned to face Maro.

“Maro, you are not a member of military, therefore you have no obligation to say anything. But please, if you will, I ask that you tell us as much as you can. You have already done the greatest service to us, and although it might not look it now, but you will be rewarded. I ask of one more deed, and that is all the tribe will ever ask of you. Such is my promise to you as chief of the Northern Water Tribe”

And so, Maro did as Theoden asked of her. She gave a full recount of her story, with regard to the series of events that led up to the siege in the north. At first she was slow and soft. Often pausing and speaking down into the table. Her fatigue impaired her cognition and ability to relay and keep track of thoughts, but then she began to awaken and words came from her mouth true and strong. Various party members occasionally asking the odd question. And then Maro finished, and there was silence for a while as members of the council absorbed all that was just given to them. In the meantime, Maro was struggling to keep herself lucid.

Theoden broke the silence. “Well, you’ve made it now. Well done! You’ve come quite a long way”

Maro smiled from underneath her hair. “Not too far”

“But what now?”

Maro paused. “I ahh… I don’t know? I…” suddenly Maro was transported elsewhere and a smiling friend appeared before her. “I wanna learn waterbending” she stated as the council started to refocus around her. But before it could finish she was met with images of Heathah, doing what she did. “I wanna learn how to fight. I wanna fight… In the army” She finished and pulled a bunch of hair away from her face.

“Haha! Is that so!” interjected Maes. “Even after all you’ve been though? Well then, you’ve come at a prime time”

“An interesting time… I wouldn’t call it anything more than that” said Ferra.

Bartoq sank in his chair.

“How old are you, Maro?” asked Theoden. “Any patrons in the Northern Armed Forces must be 18 years or over”

“I’m not sure…”

“Do you know what day you left by the swamp callender?” asked Bartoq.

“Nanni, 111”

“Wow, that’s a good recollection”

“It’s my birthday!”

“Oh I see. Well then, you’ve been travelling for about half a year then. That’s impressive!”

“Are you sure about that? That doesn't seem to add up in my mind”

“Wait, wno that can’t be… That would make you impossibly fast. A year and a half seams reasonable, actually. Does this sound about right to you?”

Eyes widened around the council at that remark. Everyone turned to face Maro. Her hair fell down her face again and she shrugged.

“Ok. That makes me 18 in 6 months”

“And only then can you join the military, so we’ll have to find something to do with you until then” said Theoden. “Something suitable”

“I’ll lean to bend water in the time period”

“Splendid idea! Now if only we knew someone who would be willing to teach a young lady how to bend water…”

This time everyone turned to Bartoq, who blushed and sank in his chair for the second time.

“Th… There isn’t a level we can start her at” He said

“That’s ok, she can have private tuition” came Danji

Theoden bellowed: “The Tribe’ll pay for everything. We are in dept to this young traveller anyway, are we not? So it’s settled then, Ok? Great! Bartoq, you and Maro can leave now. It looks like Maro’s had about enough of our shit for today. I’m afraid we’ll need to continue without her anyway”

Bartoq stood up. “C’mon Maro, let’s find you a bed”

Maro too stood up from her chair and now followed Bartoq out of the room and out into the open.

The council room was right in the center of town. Although it was well into the morning, the blackened clouds voided the tribe of most of it’s light, as if Maro was feeling dead enough as it was. She turned her head around to try and see the place that she dreamt so much about. But all she could see where flickering lights coming out of windows. Even still though, the positioning of the lights intrigues Maro into the structure of the building. It seemed like it could have been similar to Namal. All of the infrastructure seemed to made of snow and ice. Maro and Bartoq walked for a while, turning corners, crossing bridges and going up and down stairs.

“I know I don’t look like it… Or sound like it either… But I’m really excited to learn to bend water”

“Glad to hear. Hopefully we can find you a good teacher”

“Wait, was that a joke? I don’t understand… Aren't you teaching me?”

“Nope”

“Why did everyone stare at you then?”

Bartoq sighed. “I suppose there’s a bunch of things you need to be filled in on.

Some years ago, we received a visit from the Avatar Aang. He and his companions inspired some of the village elders to change tradition. Beforehand females could only learn water to heal. They wouldn’t learn it as an art or as fight style. The change didn’t go down too well with some people. There will always be those that oppose change, I guess.

I was one of the biggest advocates for freedom of bending practices. I established the first women fighter bending unit in the military and the first and only multisex waterbending academy”

“Cooool! Was Heathah in that unit?”

“Heathah? Heathah wasn't a combatant at all… What even made you think that? Her role was as a senior logistics officer. Towards the end of her career I think she may have become a tactician or something. That would explain her role on the secret council, I think. Not that I know too much about that to be honest”

Maro took a minute to absorb all this. She lagged ever so slightly behind him, and noticed that she slouched as she walked, and he was walking slowly, although that could have just been for Maro’s sake.

“Wait wait wait, but what does that have to do with you not teaching me? I saw you take on Xeo, you’re an amazing warrior!”

“Me? Maybe. But there’s no doubt I’m not a good teacher, from past experience. Tarn is an amazing warrior”

“Heathah too”

“What? Heathah never fought… What are you talking about?”

“What! But she was so good with her sword! I saw whitnessed her go at it on multioke occasions…:

”She must have had private lessons at some point. Anyway, I didn’t really know her, however Tarn knew Heathah. Anyway, when we get to the academy, we’re gonna find you a room to stay in for the next 6 months, and then we’ll see to a good teacher”

“But I want you to teach me, Bartoq. Your fighting was mesmerising! It was almost… Almost...”

“Rhythmic?”

“Hypnotic, I was gonna say. Will the teacher you find me teach me to bend like that?”

“Ahhh… No”

“Well then, I’m afraid you’ll have to teach that to me”

“While you were travelling, did you meet many other benders?”

“Oh yeah! Earthbenders, firebenders, waterbenders… You name it! Except airbenders as you can imagine”

“I see. Maybe I will teach you then”

“Yayayayay!’

“Probably not”

And with that, they walked down a large hill towards a large building.

They walked into the wide doorways into a very long horizontal room. There were benches along the walls, and people were sitting around talking and writing. Along the wall opposite the one from which they had entered, where a bunch of doors as large as the one that they entered from, except for right in front of them where there was a desk and a man slouching in a chair.

“Yo, Bartoq, what’s up”

“I’m tired”

“Spirits, I’m tired and I didn’t even fight a war. You gotta tell me all about it, eh?”

“Not now Warken. But we’ll catch up, for sure. But for now, can you find me an unoccupied room in the women's dormitory for our newest student?”

“Yeah, sure. There definitely should be a bunch of rooms free, though I don’t know if there are any single bedrooms left... But this is an awkward time to start studies… No?” He started flicking through some papers he pulled out of a draw under his desk”

“Let us worry about that”

The guy behind the desk put on a pair of reading glasses. “I’ll allocate room b261 to her. Shall I fetch you a key?”

“No, thanks. I’ll get it”

He nodded and with that he made a left turn. The doors to their right had large windows and Maro could see a large courtyard outside though it was still pretty dark. There were people sitting  in the snow around the trees. There was a small stall around the edge that was selling some sort of warm food, apparent by the line and the steam surrounding it.

“This is reception, and out there is the Koi Courtyard” said Bartoq. “You’ll be living in building b on the floor two. Hence the first two parts of your room code. Building b is the women's dormitory. You’ll learn your way around this place pretty quickly, I think”

They made a right turn into another long corridor, also with benches and also with a view of the courtyard as they were now on an adjacent edge of it. Bartoq unlocked one of the doors on the left and went in. “Wait outside”. Maro peered into the room to see a whole lot of hooks on the walls with keys hanging from them.

“Catch” came his voice and after it a key flew from out the door. Maro caught it. It was as long has her hand and had ‘a261’ indented on it. “Don’t lose that” he said and he came out of the room and locked it again. They exited into the courtyard  where they proceeded to walk and  weave around between buildings until they reached building b. Occasionally someone would greet Bartoq. Maro absorbed it all.

“Is all this the acadmy? All the buildings here?”

“Sure is”

“You founded this place? All of it?”

“Sure did. Only the spirits know how hard it was. But in the end, it was totally worth it”

“Wow”

“You can accomplish anything, Maro. If you will it; it is no dream”

They made it to a large building. “In here is where you stay. Only ladies are allowed in. In general though, if you're looking for something or some where, simply ask anyone around. The people here are pretty friendly. Also” he pointed in a direction behind “in that building over there you can grab a meal at any time between dawn and dusk. Just bring your room key or they won't let you in. I’ll have someone bring you a study schedule soon enough. But for now, you get to rest.

In terms of what to do, well, I recommend you pick up a hobby or two. Being able to make your own clothes is a very useful skill here. Also there’s a theater not too far away. I recommend you find some extra curricular activities, because with that will come friends and such”

“Will you teach me?”

“Teach you what? How to make friends? Or clothes?”

“No, bending you fool”

“Oh right. I haven't decided yet. Probably not. But why won’t you believe me when I say you don’t want me too?”

“I wanna learn to bend like you”

“That’s irrelevant to my question”

“Well, why don’t you at least show me why I’ll hate having you as a teacher...”

“I see” and with that he walked off.

*

Maro was mid dream when to awoke to the sound of knocks on the door. Her heart started beating a little faster. She slipped of the bed and started walking to the door.

“It’s me” said the door. Maro let out a deep breath as her heart returned to equilibrium. She opened the door. Out the window was still as dark as it was in the morning of the next day.

“Theoden is holding a funeral for Heathah tomorrow. It was debated as to whether it should be private, but… err… well, Theoden decided that the people of this tribe deserve to send off someone they owe their lives too together. Um… Regardless, I’m sure you would have been able to come… and… Uhh... Oh yes, that’s right, Theoden wants to know if you’d give a eulogy”

“What’s a eulogy?”

“Ahh, well… a eulogy is a speech you give in front of everyone at a funeral so that you may express what that person meant to you, I think”

“Oh. Hmm… Tomorrow you say?”

“Yes, I’ll come get you”

“Can I give you my answer then?”

“Yeah sure. That’ll give you some time to think about it and maybe write something down. I’ll just get Theoden to be prepared for any situation”

“I don’t know how to write… Or read”

“Oh… not even a little? Well I guess that makes sense. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’ll be fine regardless.

*

“I have had the absolute pleasure of knowing Heathah every day since we were toddlers” Tarns words echoed through the greate chamber made from ice, carved into the side of the mountain that housed the great waterfall. “I know the old expression; everyone is a top bloke when they die. And you would think that this would apply 10 fold since I am the only one standing here before you today who actually knew Heathah on a personal level”  It was a good thing the chamber was so sound conductive, because otherwise nothing would have been able to be heard over the crashing sound of the waterfalls running water. “But I can tell you that this is purely circumstantial, and I don’t want to in any way denote the 2 other beautiful eulogies given by Maro and Chief Theoden”. It was very smooth and rounded, made from clear ice that went deep into the mountain. “When we were young, I had lost a sweet role. I thought that I knew who had taken it, so I got into a fist fight with that person. Heathah insisted that she ate my sweet role, when I knew she didn’t. And that, I think is a testimony to nearly everything about what a character she truly was”. Maro was merely a small face in a large crowd of people who had gathered there to pay respects to the now legendary water tribe warrior. No one she could recognise was amongst her. “I say almost because the story does not end there. You see, a short while after she managed to defuse me (A very difficult task, I can assure you), she went to the place where I last saw my sweet role and managed to perceive some polar bear dog hairs, and thus led us to the real thief which we caught red handed”. Beyond the ledge, an absolutely mesmerising view of the tribal civilisation could be seen; for the sun had come out of hiding in light of this momentous occasion. “If it were not for some unfortunate mishaps, Heathah would have married and had a successful life and family”. Maro shoved through the crowd to the front where she could now see the waterfall and Tarn standing at the very side edge of the chamber. “She bore a mark; a mark which I am not here now to debate on weather was earned or not. But I know that if it weren't for the events that led to her demise, she would not have let a mark kill her love of the tribe, nor her will to live and love like a normal person”. Next to Tarn  laying horizontally so that  it was facing out of the cave was a block of pure white ice; inside lay Heathahs body unable to be seen through the cloudy texture of the ice. Her icy coffin was suspended over the ledge by two ice supports so that water from the waterfall trickled onto its end. “So it is with such a heavy heart that I may truly say that no matter what, her life was truly was cut short”. One tear from Tarns right eye was all she could spare for the departed today.  “An even though it is clear that we all owe her our gratitude, we do so not just because we would all be under oppressive occupation right now but because she was a true Northern Water Tribe warrior who lay her life so that we could continue to live ours normally”. And with that, a moment of silence was bestowed upon the people of the tribe as Theoden made his way back from the crowd and took his position next to Tarn. They looked at each other, nodded and outreached their arms and clenched their fists in sync while the supports of the coffin shattered sending the icy coffin deep into the ferocious waters of the fall.

“May her soul ride the eternal currents of peace” Said to duo, to which the crowd all replied

“May her memory be a blessing of the moon”

[charleyannnix]

Where do I even begin? Well, first off, I LOVE orientation. It is one of my all-time favorite Miss Mississippi events.

For those who don’t know, Orientation (usually held in mid-February) is a huge preparation experience in which all of the contestants travel to Vicksburg to kick off the Miss Mississippi events. Months prior to the pageant week, us, contestants, our parents, and local directors are given the “run down” of what will be happening during the actual competition in June. Arriving on Friday night and staying through Sunday afternoon, we cover every single aspect of the pageant: wardrobe, contestant number selection (better known as “the lottery”), production, meeting our princesses, the judging process, swimsuit fittings, getting aquatinted with the Board of Directors and their specific jobs, and finally, truly grasping the understanding of who Miss Mississippi is and what she does throughout her year of service.

I would be willing to bet that I’ve lost at least half of you at this point. But, if you’re still reading just know that the good stuff is coming!

As a third year contestant, I knew a little bit about what to expect walking into this weekend. Friday is the “media and lottery day,” Saturday is “rehearsals and production day,” and Sunday is “business day.”

On Friday night, all of us contestants arrive in an array of colorful cocktail dresses. We begin with check-in and proceed to recorded television interviews, radio interviews, opening and closing number dress fittings, paperwork and headshot picture turn ins, the recording of our voice overs that will play as we grace the stage in our evening gowns, and the ever-so-anxious drawing of one number between 1 and 49. Now, most people believe “oh, whatever number you draw must become your contestant number for the pageant,” but that’s not quite it.

Blond-ing with Tanner Fant!

Holly Harrington, myself, and Brooke Bullock

Macy Mitchell, myself, and Rachel Shucker

Scroll over the pictures to see captions!

♦♦♦♦♦♦

Educational Moment: Due to the fact that there are 49 total contestants competing this summer, there are obviously 49 slots available. These slots are divided among three groups: A, B, and C. Each group will compete in different aspects of competition on the Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of preliminary competition. For example, Group A will have their private interview Monday of Miss MS week, then do their talent on Wednesday, evening gown and on-stage question on Thursday, and swimwear on Friday.

♦♦♦♦♦♦

Now back to that number. After you draw that number, that becomes the number in order that you select your spot. It begins with an empty grid in those divided groups, and the contestant with the first pick gets to select which ever spot on the board that she wants. Then the contestant who drew the number two will select her desired spot, and so on. Sounds really simple, right? WRONG. There are MANY factors that are taken into consideration when selecting your slot. Which day do you want to have your interview? Do you want to be towards the front of your group or the end of your group? Do you prefer to compete in swimwear or talent or evening gown your first night on stage? How about following someone with a similar talent or sense of style? Now I’ve made this complicated hahahaha!!! Then it gets worse, obviously as the contestants continue to pick their spots, the number of open slots dwindle down. Meaning that whoever draws number 48 out of 49 only has the choice of two slots. For over thinkers like me, this can be terrifying and consuming of your thoughts throughout your entire trip down to Vicksburg. That’s exactly what I did. I stressed all day on Friday about drawing the “right number” in order to get the group and number that I wanted, mainly because my first year at Miss Mississippi I had the 40th/44 picks and was scarred for life.

When I arrived on Friday night, I noticed there were only two numbers left to draw from. One would yield the 38th pick, the other would be the 46th pick. You can imagine my heart nearly thudding out of my chest. Luckily, I did get the 38th pick and had eleven slots to select from. When I saw that number on that tiny sheet of paper, I that feeling of “Wow Charley Ann, you’ve worried yourself all day for nothing” rush over me. I went on my way through the motions of room to room conducting interviews, catching up with friends, and turning in some paperwork.

After each of us completed these task, we all gathered in a lecture room for our official welcome from the pageant’s executive director, Mr. David Blackledge and our reigning Miss Mississippi, Anne Elizabeth Buys, followed by the lottery selection. I stayed very calm throughout it all, probably because Anne Elizabeth stood and reminded us that God has already decided who will be in the top ten, who will be the runners-up, and who will become Miss Mississippi 2018, and there isn’t anything that we can do to change that. I knew then that I just needed to sit back and let the chips fall where they may. I needed to just wait my turn, look at the open spots, and go with my gut instinct. That’s exactly what I did. My number was called, the strategy I had worked up in my head became forgotten, I looked at what was open and felt most comfortable in C-37. So that’s what I did. I stood up and said word-for-word “Group C, Number 37, Charley Ann Nix, Miss University, Piano.” Then it was over. All that stress for seemingly NOTHING!!!

With our beautiful Miss Mississippi 2017, Anne Elizabeth!

We all snapped some photographs together then headed back to our hotels around 9:30PM to rest and be prepared to arrive for rehearsal at 8:30AM the next morning.

↓↓↓

Saturday came, I put on my Ole Miss colored outfit, and headed out to production practice. We were placed by our choreographer, Taylor, into our “home-base spots” and began learning the dances for the opening number and finale. (You can catch me on the second riser, right side of the stage in the Vicksburg Convention Center June 20-23!!!!) We dance pretty much all day from 8:30-2ish with a wonderful McDonald’s salad lunch break from 11:30-12:30. This day is one of the most fun. There is no pressure, no stress, and presents a great opportunity to meet and get to know the contestants that you don’t already. Our day concludes with meeting and spending time with our three Miss Mississippi Princesses. They’re literally the life of the pageant. (With nearly 150 princesses between the ages of 6 and 10, they can become a lot to handle in a large group. Thank God for the volunteers that work with them and make each of them feel like real princesses during orientation and especially the pageant.) Also during this day, I had my swimsuit fitting. Each contestant has their personal fitting sometime throughout the weekend and mine just happened to be scheduled for Saturday at noon. My mom and director, Bradley, came, and we selected my style and size that I will wear for our Lifestyle and Fitness competition this June.

Macy Mitchell, myself, Rachel Shumaker, and Holly Harrington after Saturday rehearsal!

Now all of this is fun, but my favorite part of Saturday was when Anne Elizabeth came in and did an open Q&A session with contestants only. She had such wonderful and insightful information to share that I was just trying to take it all in. We had girl-talk about everything from Miss America to being Miss Mississippi to the mindset in which you need to be in when you arrive to compete for the title of Miss Mississippi. I know each of us benefitted from it and were so grateful that she opened up her heart to share stories with us about her year thus far. I honestly could’ve asked her questions all day about her experiences and preparation for the competition. Right before meeting with our sweet princesses, Anne Elizabeth reminded us that this whole thing is not about us. It’s not about sparkly crowns and titles and glory, it’s about the people you impact. She gestured to the back of the room where our princesses sat patiently waiting for us to come grab them and said “it’s about them.” Then I cried because she was so right. I had been that age once and idolized the girls who walked on the Miss Mississippi stage. In that moment I believe that I remember the huge responsibility that I have to make them feel important and special. To make them feel like they are Miss Mississippi.

My gorgeous, talkative, energy-filled princesses!!!

↓↓↓

On Sunday, “business day”, all the contestants, parents, and local directors gather again to discuss all aspects of the pageant. We go over the day to day processes of pageant week in June, hear from members of the Miss America preparation team, review the judging process and learn who our judges will be, talk about this year’s theme and production, and take our group photograph. We also hear from Anne Elizabeth about her year and journey to becoming Miss Mississippi.

Blair Wortsmith, Kasey Pearson, and myself

I adore this blue dress from Delta Belle Boutique!

Sunday teaches you what you’ve really gotten yourself into. What you’re really competing for. And it’s a whole lot more than a crown and sash. You are competing to serve, not to be served. You’re competing to work with the best of the best people in order to prepare you for a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Miss America. You’re competing to visit with sick children and their families at Batson Children’s Hospital. You’re competing to become a face of an organization in the midst of great change. You are not competing to just be Miss Mississippi. There is so much more to it than that.

Note: I am so thankful for the opportunity that God has given me to be able to compete for the Miss Mississippi title. It is truly a blessing to bond with 48 beautiful, talented, and intelligent women while we are all chasing the same dream. I hope that my post has given you a small glimpse into a big weekend for all of us and all of fun it entails. Thanks for reading!

  The Miss Mississippi Class of 2018

  Challenging Charley into Miss MS Orientation Where do I even begin? Well, first off, I LOVE orientation. It is one of my all-time favorite Miss Mississippi events.

[adambstingus]

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

5

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

4

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

3

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

2

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

1

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162144044077

[samanthasroberts]

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

5

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

4

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

3

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

2

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

1

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/

[allofbeercom]

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

5

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

4

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

3

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

2

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

1

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/