#imagine this as listener martyn just dropping in
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Note
You say âLizzie in the Voidâ and I raise you âLizzie and Martyn in the Void having teaâ /j
martyn: ...soooo, how are you doing?
lizzie: oh, i don't know martyn. how am i doing? you know, it's jsut wonderful in this place. the void over there and the void over here just adds so much to the atmosphere
martyn: you could've just said not well [sips tea]
#hdsjhsjk but in all seriousness i've FINALLY found a shred of motivation to properly write (at least some) of that fic hjdhsj#i am several months late to the secret life lizzie in the void. however. uh#i actually have no defenses#imagine this as listener martyn just dropping in#sorta kicking his feet. chin resting in his hands as he gossips with lizzie. and lizzie is just sick of sitting in a dark space <3#asks#queercode-my-minecraft
9 notes
·
View notes
Note
They decided to act as if everything was normal, and nobody got her memories. Settle down, form alliances, all the gist.
During that first night, she sent a message to Grian to meetup in between their bases. She made sure to leave when Scott was asleep.
She slowly made her way through the dark forest, she didn't want to generate any light that would invite trouble.
Void, she wished that her powers worked here. She was regretting so much having blocked them for her brother and listeners friends last time.
"Pearl!" She heard a whisper. She turned around to see Grian calling her from a pond nearby.
She got close, hugging him. She looked around and saw the company he had brought up. "Oh, yeah, I forgot that it was impossible to lock your memories for the game." She told Martyn and Jimmy.
"What the hell is happening?" Jimmy started.
Everyone looked at Pearl.
"What? I didn't do anything. I'm just as much of a victim as you all." Pearl responded, clearly exaggerating how offended she felt.
"So, what do we do?" Martyn ask.
"I dunno, our powers don't work, and everyone won't have their memories until the game is over..." Pearl explained.
"So... we need to play the game, and hope that any of us can get win it, maybe we can reason with the one controlling this game, just as I did with you." Grian looks at Pearl.
"Welp, let the best win." Martyn said, putting his arm around Tim and starting to walk back.
Grian stayed a few more moments. "This is not your fault, Pearl. Is their fault."
Pearl stayed looking at her wrist, at her 5 heart tattoos. She sighs. "Yeah, yeah, I know." She smiles at him. "And since I designed the base for this, I know I'll win."
Grian laughs a bit. "Alright... I'll see you around." And ran to where Martyn and Jimmy had gone.
Her smile drops, as she continues to watch her wrist. Her design... had been modified.
She looked at the sky, angry. "Xyslan!" She shouted.
"It took you longer than I imagined." She turned around to see a redhead Watcher looking at her through that damn mask.
Previous
"Impulse! Impulse wait!" She takes off after him, panicked.
She was trying so hard to catch up with him, but he was quickly getting further and further away from her.
Pearl panics. What if he tells Gem?
Her hand shoots out and he freezes in place with a purple glow holding him there.
She catches up, looking guilty.
"I'm sorry....I'm sorry Impulse..." She whispers.
Pearl could see the fear as he looked at her.
She grabs his arm and teleports him inside her base.
The purple holding him dissipates, and he collapsed into one of her couches.
He looks ready to bolt again, but Pearl holds out her hands in a way to tell him to wait.
She sees as his eyes widen in fear, and she realized it could look like she was going to use her powers.
"I'm sorry. I won't...I'm not going to hurt you...I just...I only want to explain."
Pearl pulls out her communicator, quickly texting Grian to come back, that it was an emergency.
Impulse kept looking towards the door.
"Please, please just let me explain...please...I swear I'm not going to hurt you."
He finally speaks. "What..are you?!"
"Uuuuhhmmm..." Her whole body was tense, and her mind jumping everywhere. Her mouth opened several times, trying to formulate anything to explain it.
Impulse slowly seemed to calm down as he sees her so nervous.
She sighs. "Give me a moment..." She turns to an ender chest nearby, opens it, and just watches inside for several seconds, sighs, and takes something small and white.
Her arms shake, as she turns around. "Are you familiar with this symbol?" She presents a white mask with a purple rectangle with two corners cut.
Impulse goes pale, and immediately draws his sword out of his inventory.
Pearl eyes go wide. "Waitwaitwaitwait-" She barely dodges his first swing, as one of her house doors open, Grian and Scar entering.
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
Flinging My Opinions Out Into The Feed Vol. 4: Network Effect
this fuckin novel is 104K (ish) words long. I read it in like 3 days.
i havenât ripped through a book like that since grade school. holy fuck. murderbot has awakened the hungry book-eating autistic dragon within me from its long slumber. hopefully I can sate it with some of my class readings. also I always listen to the audiobook after reading the book book which is easier bc as a college student I walk everywhere and have lots of listening time.
anyway. I have so so so so many thoughts. this one long so thoughts under the cut (mega spoilers for NE obviously)
Iâm splitting this up into a few sections bc this was a longass book and i have a lot of thoughts to organize
General Shit
for whatever fucking reason, Iâve always read ART as having Aziraphale Goodomensâ voice in my head, and I figured that would probably change with time as I got to know it, but it hasnât! the more of an asshole it is the more it sounds like Aziraphaleâs Bastardâą Voice! the more caring it is the more Softâą it sounds! Why does this happen to me?!
Iâll probably attempt an actual analysis of this after Iâm done with the whole series (only one book away what tf???), since the only thing I like more than writing mb meta is writing good omens meta
related: I imagine Kevin R Free reading AC like âaw sick we got a real HAL9000 here w art Iâm gonna go full robot monotoneâ then hitting network effect and realizing he now has to make this beepboop motherfucker sound sensitive and sad and scared and parental and going FUCK!
He really crushed it though big props for that
so many new children to adopt!!!! my family has grown so big!!!
I donât mean 2.0 bc a. itâs specifically described as not a baby and b. like itâs just mb and while mb is still my child, by now itâs like a few years out of college - a little directionless but self-sufficient with a support network.
However, I have adopted the following:
Amena
you now have one more parent, bringing the count up to 5! (mensah, fari, tano, mb)
collect them all and you get a decoder ring!
Three
holy shit they kinda glossed over you at the end there but you are STYLINâ
not to be like called it but i knew mb was going to eventually just free some guy(s) and then not know what to do with them
i will protect it, i want to see it grow up big and strong
maybe my favorite end-of-the-book mb bot interaction thus far!
I have synesthesia (letters/numbers/words have color, texture, personality, etc.) and the number 3 is like, red/magenta/fuschia and kind of round and shiny and has strong âfemme fatale in a film noirâ energy so the name is really, really fucking me up bc obviously thatâs not AT ALL how I think of Three (the SecUnit) as a character!
I already had a picture of it in my head from our first meeting with it and then it got named âThreeâ and my brain had to do a bunch of mental gymnastics to make it fit
it just throws the name âmurderbotâ around bc it doesnât know any better and i canât WAIT to see that fallout
Iris
âprove youâre Periâs SecUnit - show me your faceâ *shoots a gigantic fucking robot to save her dad* ICONIC we LOVE her
+me gives her 4 parents (martyn, seth, ART) so she doesnât get the decoder ring but sheâs in the running!
This was easily the most suspenseful book yet, and the closest the mb series has come to straight-up horror.
Iâm an anxious, jumpy person by nature - close a door too loud and Iâll jump 3 feet in the air. So the whole scene with the crystalized body I was just constantly tense, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it took me a While to get exactly what was going on, and props to Martha Wells for the mystery bc it was beautifully crafted, so tbh I figured everything out just when it fuckin moved.
Iâm sure if I was holding a physical book, I wouldâve yeeted it right across the room. Iâm just glad my laptop wasnât on my lap!
Itâs also the closest Wellsâ writing has come to actually losing my understanding with technobabble. Usually the way itâs written, things just sort of...make sense, without you having to stop and work through it.
I feel like maybe itâs not talked about as much bc itâs so subtly done, but this series is constantly introducing new technology, new ways mb can hack and interact with the feed and new AIs that exist and their levels of sentience and how x aspect of life works with this advanced tech and it has always just slid into place for me. Itâs one of Wellsâ real assets as a writer - she can introduce a bajillion new technological things and the way she writes it through mbâs eyes just makes it intuitively understandable
itâs at least partially due to consistent worldbuilding and naming conventions. mb just calls things what they are, and makes it obvious when designating a title to something. thereâs not multiple words for the same thing - wells successfully eradicates any âthe blond manâ or âthe taller of the twoâ shit like you see in bad fanfiction.
it also helps that mb thinks of ai as people, kind of. It cuts down on thinking about the specific operations mb is performing with all these dang hacks bc it reads as a social interaction (though Iâm sure the idea would be abhorrent to it lol).
instead of just âI did Xâ you get âI hacked XSys and asked it to do X", so if you donât know what X is, you get clues from how mb interacts with it, and now you know who/what XSys is, so any reference to it and its function and any time it does something in the future, you get more context on it and it kind of reads as character development
where I started to get confused was figuring out a. exactly what 2.0 was doing and how it operated, and b. how the pre-CR Central system operated and how it infected the colonists.
a is mostly bc of the jarring shift into 2.0âČs POV (which is a WILD sort of plot twist hell yeah) and bc 2.0 talks like mb 1.0 but is able to do very different things and that it exists as killware. it makes sense though and while it took me a bit, I was able to put it together.
and whole e shit wells thats an existential crisis i wasnt expecting to have.
b. is probably bc Iâve had 4 books to get used to exactly how CR (post-CR? during CR?) tech works and it took me a sec to shift my way of thinking
but when I got there? holy shit, thatâs TERRIFYING, and so clever!!!!! relistening to the audiobook holy shit wells really stayed up too late watching The Thing and got scared and went hmmm I can use this fear and she was RIGHT
i cannot stress the SUSPENSE enough. the fucked up timeline. the POV switches. the helpme files. the mystery of the alien remnants. FUCK.
speaking of. 2.0
in a previous post i said something about how weird it was in exit strategy that mb kept talking about what counts as âwinningâ?
its death. it convinces 1.0 by saying âthis is how I winâ
fuck
and also some real tangible ptsd consequences: mb 1.0 hesitated bc of the flashback to miki. fuck.
I really appreciated how in ES we honed in on one sub-group of the PresAux gang (Pin-Lee, Gurathin, Ratthi), and in this one we switched it up a bit (Arada, Overse, Ratthi again bc heâs a likeable guy) and added in some of Mensahâs family, including...
ooooh Thiago. bow howdy do I have complex feelings on this motherfucker.
On the one hand I get it. this company-made robot person just drops into your family and has your sister in-lawâs complete trust for some reason. I get being a lil hesitant. and he does really follow up on it and try to make it work. on the other hand he did mega piss me off for like the 1st half of the book, mostly for how he treated Mensah.
deadass? I fuckin WISH I had a SecUnit friend to come get me out of social situations I donât want to be in. good call Mensah. but she shouldnâtâve had to do it in the first place, man, give her space
the weird lil interrogation he does w mb onboard art is really what pissed me off. heâs so clearly in the wrong not just bc his information is inaccurate (about the assassination attempts n shit) but bc he doesnât LISTEN TO MENSAH and take her needs and agency seriously.
sidenote: art intervening in this conversation was actually amazing. it was really like âmb stop spilling mensahâs beans thiago shut the fuck up and go to sleep im disappointed in both of youâ
he does go to apologize to her at the end though and isnât an idiot, so he gets those points.
he is kind of shit at both security and more importantly listening to and trusting mbâs expertise but we can forgive
the differentiation mb makes in its thought processes at the beginning b/w âanother innocent brand new naive secunit who needs help adjusting to human societyâ and âmeâ
mb keeps going âmensahâs family would have liked me if I was ____ but I was meâ
completely disregarding that mensahâs family does like it by and large
theres some interesting ethical implications there too - mb thinks mensahâs family wants a blank slate of a person to project a personality onto, and that the issue is that mb is very much already a personality, its just a grumpy weird lil guy
also mad foreshadowing for three
the way SecUnit and Amena really meet for the first time basically? priceless.
amena pov: youâre on your way home drunk with a guy you hope to sleep with, and he turns on the lights at his place and thereâs your second momâs weird new friend(?) just standing in the middle of the room, resting bitch face, wearing all black, who scares the guy out of his fuckin mind simply by existing (mb doesnât even say anything in this scene!!! it just stands there and waits for amena to turn and leave, then follows her!). on the way home it lists all the reasons that guy was almost certainly a rapist. you donât want to seem stupid so you put up a bit of a fight but you feel its cut-the-bullshit eyes on you and it sucks. also, itâs basically a living security camera and you know itâs going to snitch on you, no matter what it says.
mb pov: nah nah sister youâre not takin her to a secondary location
jokes aside I really like how deadpan mb is about the whole thing. maybe thatâs the wrong word but like. itâs not made a big deal of? like, thereâs no sort of pearl-clutching, thereâs no asking for it or victim-blaming shit, thereâs no difference from any other kind of potential harm. it just goes âthis is a threat. I am going to eliminate that threat.â like it would for anything else. mb analyzes the guy the same way it would any potential hostile. it doesnât treat sexual assault as a rare occurrence or something special and weird, just goes âdonât trust this fucker, will stop him from harming my client(âs daughter)â
âIf thereâs one thing I understand itâs the difference bw proprietary and non-proprietary dataâ So, mb pretends to not know privacy boundaries sometimes but knows this one. Huh.
âTeammateâ
damn for anyone else thatâd be an understatement but like. mb explaining that mensah was the first person itâd been on equal footing with? that itâd been on a team with? it makes sense. ow.Â
this is the book that really hammered it home for me that most futuristic/sci fi books are either utopia or dystopia but Wells did both. and even better are the interactions!!! You have horrific dystopian Corporation Rim, and beautiful utopian Preservation, and the interplay between the two and the privileges and disadvantages both sides have and the grey space in between...itâs amazing.
Even better, she made a dystopia with limits - gender, sexuality, race are just never an issue. i feel like with so many people when they have anachronistic worldbuilding in their stories, they feel like they have to make up new versions of racism and sexism and homophobia but Wells just went no, my dystopia is bad bc of capitalism, and I wanna focus on that. the world is open and accepting for real-world identities, regardless of whether youâre talking about fucking contract slavery or music festivals.
in the end.....mb finally knows what it wants. fuck. iâm gonna start crying. thatâs a whole series dilemma right there, an essential part of its development and arc, something we revisit at the end of every book. when it said âi know what i wantâ i almost burst into tears
The Intricate Rituals (aka murderbot and artâs ârelationshipâ)
this book was so so choice for examining what they mean to each other boy howdy
i wanna be clear - donât clown around on my post w romantic interpretations and slash w these two weirdos. mb v clearly is not down for that kind of shit. relationships donât have to be romantic or sexual to be meaningful and complex.
goddamn the ARC they went through??? from grief to anger and betrayal to working together and rebuilding trust to a genuinely beautiful friendship to creating 2.0 to the fucking threat of bombing a colony to some of the best comfort in a hurt/comfort setup iâve ever seen to art inviting mb to stay???? fuck me.
highlights
during mb and artâs fight, Arada and Ratthi are both trying to be like John mulaneys bit about Andy Cohen at those goddamn reunions okokokokokokokok
mb really knows how to pull a âno talk to me im angyâ and honestly the mental picture of the rest of the crew not seeing the almost imperceptible ways art is communicating w mb and then seeing mb blow up in return is hilarious.
âmutual administrative assistanceâ fuck me running thats good
mb knowing art well enough that when it needs to get its full unbridled compliance it pulls âyouâre upsetting amenaâ like daaamn
mb reassuring art about its crewâŠ.. can we call âthe first thing I checked for when i got onboard your empty corpse was if your crews dead bodies could be anywhereâ a love language?
art having no qualms about blurting shit out to amena since Teacher Mode Activated and mb hating it? hilarious dynamic. i also love mb and art both being good with kids but in completely different ways.
Ratthi, mr. extrovert relationship specialist, trying desperately to parse mb and art and all THEIR drama is hilarious!!!! like, they communicate so quickly and complexly that whenever someone else tries to figure out what the fuck is going on it just doesnât work
art trying to get mb to go to the meeting w leonide as an augmented human not a secunit because âyou donât like itâ ahhhh im soft
Maybe itâs just me but mb loving the clothes art made it is adorable. It has all the stuff mb likes. Itâs such a subtle thing you might not even notice it but across the series whenever mb describes clothes it has to wear itâs very specific about what it looks for, and art ticked all the boxes (lots of sealable pockets, strong/deflection fabric, sturdy ass boots, comfortable and easy to move in)Â
and THEN, when mb 1.0 curls up to die under the agri bot and notices the clothes art made it protecting it in its last moments of consciousness? Poetic cinema
Artâs bedside manner is like. Surprisingly thoughtful and loving. at the end it fucking. made a lil quarantine box and âseparated part of its consciousnessâ to it and played tv so mb wouldnât be alone and idk im weak for this kind of thing but art caring for mb the way it deserves to be cared for is just. mmmm
Ik itâs been said a million times but art going âoh god my bffâs Important Person is coming aboard I gotta clean I gotta cleanâ when mensah shows up is priceless
one of many all time fav quotes: âArt did know everything. It was so annoyingâ
Big Neurodivergent Vibes
iâm sure someoneâs said it before but art and mb watching media together? parallel play, aka doing the same/similar activities in the same area/feedspace without talking or interacting too often. like cats.
mb helping art work through its memory shit after actively antagonizing it is heartwarming - especially after they find out its personal memory was altered and art is just. Silent? in the group chat for a while and mb speaks for it? Artâs not here rn can I take a message? Beautiful. Big neurodivergent mood. talking for ur friend who canât talk rn is nd to nd communication.
also, i donât know how i missed it before but the clear division of subjective and objective time, and getting fucked up by it sometimes? in previous books itâs just been for emphasis, but in NE it actually affects things.
*mb facing the wall in order to talk to three* SecUnit to SecUnit conversation
ADHD solidarity - playing worldhoppers in the background to take up processing space while you work on important shit
i canât believe i didnât put this together sooner - special interest: soap operas media, sanctuary moon in particular
controversial opinion? mb is really empathetic. ppl have probably made the case for mb having a sort of low empathy situation going on but like if you look at its actions it feels otherâs feelings and cares so so much. like, looking at how it responds when artâs dead, when itâs trying to help the contract laborers, when itâs trying to help its crew, when itâs trying to help artâs crew? it has had to deaden itself out of necessity but the emotions are still very much there. tbh this might be me projecting my sympathy for having sudden, intense, hard-to-identify emotions and being more âsensitiveâ to loved ones getting hurt than anticipated, but also like. think of all the times itâs like âfuck, im having an emotional reaction to this. I wasnât expecting that.â idk if we can call that hyperempathy but like. itâs sure something.
alexithymia is a thing where its hard for you to identify your emotions. its really common in nd people. need i say more? mb never knows what the fuck its feeling
Beautiful Representation (mostly queer)
CASUAL THEY/THEM REP YESSSSSSSS and not just like one either!!!! Mihail, Matteo, Turi, a whole bunch of em!!! ahhhhhhh
Lesbian love is stored in the âbabeâ - legit 90% of overse and aradaâs dialogue is just âhey babeâ âbabeâ and you know what? thatâs valid. i love it and i love them.Â
ik you could say The Feed is kind of a catchall deus ex machina for some things but i do not care! especially when it comes to just storing your gender info somewhere everyone can see and acknowledge and you donât have to do shit about it!
some fun feed designations I noticed
Arada is âfemale/femmeâ
Leonide is âfemale/femme-neutralâ
none of the feed designations include pronouns, but mb just knows them and uses them intuitively anyway. maybe itâs stored in a different part of the feed? like translation/language module? idk but im happy
mb noted at one point that âmostâ humans have âmedium brownâ skin tones - transcendent, one of my favorite things about this series is that skin tone is mentioned in the initial description of almost everyone mb meets, and its almost never just âwhiteâ - plus, its never given like. more attention than its due, or weird food comparisons.
it also briefly mentions Preservation having accommodations for mobility aids at the big festival/concert, and having a designated quiet area. i just. itâs so good.
The Fainting Couch
Explanation
bc mb is so emotionally constipated, any time that any emotion is expressed it takes me the tf out and I feel like a lady in a victorian novel retiring to my fainting couch to die from breathing too hard.
itâs like that moment in Pride and Prejudice (2005) where mr darcy helps lizzie get into the carriage and for a brief moment their hands touch and they spend a whole camera shot on it and its A BIG DEAL even though its not a âbig dealâ
there was definitely a post that made me connect these two things but i do not remember exactly when i saw it.
so this is a list of times where i was taken the fuck out by the EMOTION of it all!
itâs my friend. it helped me because it wanted to, because it could
fuck, the entire section of time b/w mb getting aboard art and art coming back is excruciating, itâs littered with all sorts of grieving inner dialogue, culminating in...
âmy friend is dead!â
owwwwww the grief hurts and even more so, the later 180° from grief to betrayal hurts
mb repeatedly referring to the PresAux gang as âmy humansâ đ©
The Entire âART meets PresAux after re-establishing control of the shipâ scene
like mb is in such a vulnerable position in so many ways that it wants to reassert control however it can and also itâs right, and these two parts of its world are colliding and the PresAux gang have private information about it that ART doesnât have and vice versa and itâs so desperate to keep them from sharing it but it doesnât have a choice
The fucking convo bw mb on the med platform and art and the crew all getting to know each other and the anger and betrayal and comfort and EMOTION!!!!! Fuck me!!!!
also ngl i was also p mad when I realized art did in fact cause some problems on purpose
highlighted quotes:
trusted friend
ow my fucking heart
I did what I had to do, you should understand that
âIâm not talking to you on the feed! Youâre not my client and youâre not my-â
OW BITCH OW CALL 911 IM ON THE FLOOR
âArt? Youâre scaring Amena. Youâre scaring me.â
My heartâŠâŠ and the realization that art hadnât been plotting and planning but was just scared and wanted a Trusted Friend?
âAnd it hit me then that ART had been desperate and terrified since the moment the Barrish-Estranza ship had sidled up and done whatever it had done. It had tricked its captors into taking it to me not because it had some kind of grand strategy but because it needed meâ OWWW
The apologies? The LOVE???? Bitch Iâm crying.
âIâve lost my crew. I wonât lose youâ
i spent a solid 24 hrs thinking about this quote before picking up the book again
âI just really like you. Not in a weird way.â
aahhhhhhhhh
i didnât know there was a WHOLE ASS OTHER PERSON there for this though!!!
Senior Indah Saw Things that day, goddamn.
also I love that after saying âI like you tooâ the first thing Mensah does is say âget this secunit to medical immediatelyâ bc like the implication of âif its saying this kind of shit its gotta be really injuredâ like itâs continuing the conversation from before but like its still funny
like this was in response to mensah saying âgo to medicalâ basically and i feel like itâs bc someone else cares about its wellbeing for its own sake, not just for its capabilities, and itâs just. so many.
âTheyâre sleeping, I told myself. 2.0 and Central wouldnât feel a thingâ
FUCK
in case you donât recognize this. its from. when 2.0 and central and targetControlSystem all get stuck in the star thing and mb 1.0 has to destroy it and kill them and it tells itself it wonât hurt them, itâll be like theyâre sleeping, and i fucking SOBBED
like 2.0 we barely knew ye but also wells you HAD to spend the past chapter or so having 2.0 endearingly bouncing around 1.0âČs mind just so we donât forget its a person fuck fuck fuck
the whole final chunk of conversations is just one hit quote after another
âYou made me soundâŠ.safeâ
and then art understanding and addressing the concern and art knowing and accepting what murderbot is, in its entirety, because its never not known.
âNo one had ever rescued me beforeâ
âI donât want to not see you againâ
âBut I like being with ART. I want to keep being with itâ FUCK IM ALREADY ON MY FAINTING COUCH DUDE GET THE DEFIBRILLATOR
Little Things
Mb uses the same words for everyone regardless of gender. âMarital partnerâ âoffspringâ âchildâ
we only spent a few minutes with her but I love Farai. she just casually goes âhey uh mb whatâs your relationship situation with my wifeâ and mb goes NO and sheâs like understandable have a nice day
I understand now that post about how some people just sort of get Assigned British Accent At Audiobook and I was very surprised that it was just Amena and not Thiago. also, idk why, but whenever I imagine Amena she looks like Shuri from black panther
Ratthi going from âIâll apologize to itâ (ASR)Â to âsecunit is a very private person. It doesnât like to talk about its feelingsâ and âI could hear Ratthi telling them to drop the subjectâ u know what that is? Growth!
Thiago being worried about secunit giving amena Designated Drone Babysitters and ratthi being like no lol thatâs how it shows affection
the gang finding the secunit killed by its governor module and just talking about how terrible that is right in front of mb recovering from the trauma of having one???? like come on guys thiago has an excuse heâs a bit of a dick but stop looking at this corpse that couldâve easily been mbâs if it didnât hack itself and talking about how horrifying it is to you, it fucking knows!!!! like how fucking insensitive can you be??
but also i do appreciate that presaux still fucks up and doesnât get everything right all the time itâs realistic
at some point in the middle when basically everyone is on art and having like a video conference about their plans, amena is with mb and has marked herself as âprivateâ or something so she doesnt have to participate and is eating âimitative vegetable fragmentsâ or something and basically i realized
sheâs watching the drama goin on in the zoom meet w/ camera and mic off eating popcorn.
icon
Mb: wow humans sure are stupid im glad Iâm good at threat assessment Also mb: *does all the wrong things in a horror movie when it finds The Control Room, giving me 7 discrete heart attacks*
I love my new child three, but iâd like it a lot more if wells didnât keep switching POVs to it right when climactic things happen to mb 1.0
Mb detaching itâs own fucking hand to get out of restraints? Iconic
The Gang: art are u sure you can convincingly pretend to be evil? Art: oh donât worry about it ;) đđ€«
sidenote: Art is the biggest drama queen in the galaxy. all that media gave it so many theater-kid tendencies. including the homicidal ones. holy shit.
âThereâs a lot about this that I donât understand but I am participating anywayâ #relatable i love three so much
mb realizing itâs kind of a damsel being rescued by three during the escape and being vaguely annoyed but also completely fine with it is the kind of energy I need in my lifeÂ
Thiago keeps calling Amena âmy daughterâ but she repeatedly calls him âuncleâ and i donât know if its just language difference or what but like e.g.
âMy daughter, are you sure youâll be alright with a corporate-â âIâLL BE FINE UNCLEâ
ohhh he got UNCLE-ZONED
speaking of, âOk third momâ AAAHHHHH
âI am here against my will and you are going to regret thatâ new catchphrase dropped
i was right! there was a âwait a second secunit is shorter now??â bit!!! rip arada who was like yeah ur hairs a little different and mb replies with âI also got shorterâ
Ik itâs a really serious situation n shit but imagining mb 1.0 staggering around a giant warehouse fighting with the knock-off copy of itself it made in its head is fucking HILARIOUS
(at the end of the book)
ART - oh ya I definitely already sent a distress signal through the wormhole like a month ago
Everyone: FUCK YOUÂ
Kevin R Free Callouts
this guy does an amazing job with this book. ive said it before ill say it again - the manâs an artist.
he does pronounce things weird sometimes though. this is a comprehensive list of pronunciation crimes thus far.
Buoy
KRF: BOY
me: BOO-ee
Capsule
KRF: CAP-syew-wool
me: CAP-sull
Thiago
KRF: tee-AH-go
me: thee-AH-go
(i also do this with thalia though and some people pronounce âthaliaâ âtaw-lee-ahâ not âtha-lee-ahâ so maybe its me?)
Overse
KRF: OH-ver-say
me: OH-verse
(same disclaimer as above - iâve never met anyone with this name and maybe krf has)
and by far, the most grievous
Holo
KRF: HOE-low (long o, like âodorâ or âmostâ)
me: HAW-low (short o, o like âcoffeeâ or âjobâ or âhologramâ)
now i am going call out some compliments bc he is a great voice actor
I loved his take on the Targetsâ voices, it was so creepy and reminded me of Night Vale Kevin
the difference in mbâs and threeâs narration was distinct and consistent and easy to tell apart - I like threeâs lil bird voice!
there were a lot of fucking voices to do this time around and iâm frankly amazed he kept em all straight, big props.
there were a lot of emotionally charged moments for mb here and he fuckin nailed them. i was in public while listening to some of the ending shit and I wish I had a fuckin opaque faceplate to keep my expression under control!
sorry this was so ludicrously long, but its a ludicrously long book. like, the ASR audiobook is about 3 hours, NE is 13 hours
fuck i cant wait to finish the series iâll miss reading new ones but i will sink into the pool of fan content like a hot tub
43 notes
·
View notes
Text
wanted to try my hand at some sensory prompts for 3rd life! original prompt list hereÂ
32. The smell of blood
With heaving breaths, Martyn stumbles backward and does his best to keep the axe gripped tight in sweat slick hands. Crimson pools into the intricately carved grooves in the stone alter, running along the channels sluggishly, painting out a grim reminder of what had occurred. Martyn finds he canât bring himself to look away. Not when the same crimson is splattered all across the axe blade, his hands, his shirt - and christ, heâs going to have throw this one away isnât he? Itâs almost easier to focus on the whole. If he looks at himself the guilt would eat him alive, he thinks.
Martyn reaches up with one hand to wipe away the sweat from his face, only realising half a second too late that all heâs succeeded in doing is smearing more of that blood - his Kingâs blood - across his cheek. Rich iron reaches his nose, metallic and sitting heavy in the back of his throat, an almost physical presence. His stomach turns at the scent, and it takes all he has not to throw down the axe and bolt right that second. Instead, he ignores the way his hands tremble and ignores the way the blood is pooling around his shoes now and ignores the smell as best he can - breath in, breathe out, easy - whilst he waits for his King to respawn.Â
46. The waver in a personâs voice when theyâre stressed
â-Iâm gonna be looking you in the eyes, and theyâre gonna sacrifice you! And I donât want that! Alright?âÂ
Scott thinks back to Jimmyâs face from that morning, when the Red King and his loyal hand had come knocking. Itâd stuck with him up until now, the way Jimmyâs eyes had hardened into something cold, something finally resembling the one red heart he had left and how his mouth had twisted down into a frown. The whole exchange had set off a nervous energy in his partner that Scott just couldnât understand. Ren and Martyn were friendly, despite the newly turned red, and whilst he was somewhat suspicious of their true intentions, heâd seen few problems with what they were offering.
But - it was the way Jimmyâs voice had cracked, the way heâd skipped and stumbled over his words, clearly trying so hard to keep his emotions from bleeding into his tone thatâd convinced Scott to step back a little and let him take the lead. Jimmy was happy go lucky, an optimist, always laughing and trying so hard to be kind to others. Scott couldnât stand to hear him sound so unlike himself. Broken sounding, almost. And it was that moment, Scott thinks, that made him realise Jimmy would throw away his own red life for Scottâs green one.
48. A quiet sigh as they turn away
Grian hums over his shoulder to let Scar know he's still listening as he unstraps the chest plate from weary shoulders. Now that the adrenaline of a triple kill had left his system, the days stress was finally catching up to him. Sneaking around Dogwarts to even set up the damn thing had been nerve wracking - even if it had been absolutely worth it in the end - and all he really wanted to do now was unpack his things and fall into bed.
âGod, can you imagine the havoc we could cause when you turn red too?â And that causes Grian to flinch, chest plate buckle slipping from clumsy fingers. Scar means well really, Grian knows that, but any talk of him ever turning red sets his mind and heart racing. With a strained smile on his face, he turns enough to catch Scarâs gaze and tries to keep his tone friendly enough.
âCâmon Scar, you know Iâm out of here as soon as I turn yellow. How many times do I need to tell you?â Itâ comes out more curt and clipped than heâd wanted. Thereâs a barely there stutter in Scarâs expression, a freeze of something - Sadness? Anger? Grian canât pick it out - before he smiles sheepishly.
âRight, right, of course. Must have just - slipped my mind.â Though Scarâs voice is as upbeat as always, Grian catches the way his shoulders slump when he turns to leave the room, the sigh of resignation that leaves him before he walks out of earshot. Grian balls up the sudden guilt beating in his chest and buries it deep, dropping his items into the chest and slamming it shut a little too roughly. He only owes Scar one life. Nothing more. And then heâs gone.Â
#3rd life smp#blood tw#inthelittlewood#rendog#scott smajor#solidaritygaming#goodtimeswithscar#grian#can you tell i like the red/green duos a lot?#also! i didn't write these in the ship sense but you're free to interpret how you want#my art#i guess?
64 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hello I am loving your red watcher concept it's so cool!!! Please share more headcanons if you have any? I'd love to hear how the whole thing is affected the other people around Grian!
Also, do you have any tie-ins with this au for hermitcraft? If so I'd love to hear those as well!
SO SORRY I LET THIS ASK GO UNANSWERED FOR SO LONG. thank you SO much for asking aaahdkdjfldjfk i SWEAR i didnât purposefully ignore this i have the memory of a squirrel and the attention span of a boiled peanut
hermitcraft isnât canon to this lil au, really? i didnât want to have to tie everything together HDKSHFKSJFKD IâM NOT SMART ENOUGH FOR THAT IâM SORRY. if anyone wants to make their own concepts to tie this to hc or related servers pop off :^)
THAT SAID here is some Information TM on the other members in the red watcher⊠thing?
nearly everyone on the server is affected by the weird shit that goes on, which is both based in my own ideas and the fact that people change their skins on red life lol. i donât have super detailed ideas for a few of themâ notably, being impulse, big b, etho, and joel! they just seem like theyâd be funnier as humans.
bdubs: bdubs HIMSELF doesnât change so much as his jacket. his moss jacket has my entire heart. it is alive now. heâs like a tangela. it moves on its own and it PUFFS bro. itâs like a parka
cleo: iâve had the headcanon that as cleo dies she becomes more human instead of decaying further literally since day two of third life and iâm putting it in here. cleo is a patchwork of human and decay by the end of third life and it carries over to last life. itâs both hilarious and slightly angsty which is exactly how i like it
tango: tangoâs just on fucking fire. heâs a flame spirit! a few of the people on the server are spirits in the world and tangoâs one of them. obviously as he progresses we get more lava monster-y. like te kÄ from moana (i donât think i used the accent marks right) but slightly more human-looking!
ren: yeah. wolf monster boy. you know the drill :^)! hes fluffy
martyn: martyn is actually a moon spirit even before everything, though the server brings out more of his inhuman traits. his design is based on dragons! he develops iridescent white scales, slit pupils, fangs, and horns, though one is torn off while heâs fighting grian in the battle of the red desert. i think heâs very cool
skizz: skizz is the most canon of the bunch: enderman void dude! he only changes once, on his red life in third life, but it sticks well. his arms are converted to void material, which means he can change their shape, and he can also dematerialize them in battle, though he has to be careful with that because it will also make him drop whatever heâs holding. his eyes are purely black except for red pinpricks of light signifying his life color.
scott: like martyn, scott is a spiritâ a wind spirit, to be more exact! i actually donât know how he changes exactly yet but! i do think his little crystalline headband thingy has something to do with it. think it might be fun if he sort of? cracked apart? in a similar way to how jimmyâs red life skin was dissolving. not sure yet! i do want him to take on more of a starborne look while he serves pearl. because obviously.
jimmy: speaking of jimmy dissolving. again, iâm not too sure what traits he develops, but that red life suspended state definitely carries over.
scar: SCAR IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES. i took crack, listened to gold by imagine dragons one too many times, and went damn. guess i have a new hc. scar is literally an automaton. donât ask me HOW or WHY. he just IS. his red body is decaying, you can see his ribs, and inside is a golden ribcage with a ticking, mechanical heartbeat. he bleeds solid gold. heâs really fun to draw!!!
pearl: pearl is similar to martyn, only i think iâm gonna go more unicorn-inspired as she dies more! i think unicorns are neat and i think she deserves this. she hasnât reached the point of change yet (remember, grianâs the only one who will just change randomly), but she will eventually, so! iâm putting her on this list
lizzie: reconciling her axolotl skin with her clear fae tendencies will take me a bit more research, but considering she lives next to a river, iâm thinking this is kind of a naiad type thing. yes she is a fairy yes she is a river spirit. she was a river spirit even before this and so she kept her axolotl gills and a bit of her scales but Oh Boy living in a fairy circle is not going to help you when you lose lives and the server decides that you need to change, lizzie :^)
#last life#last life smp#red watcher#IâM NOT TAGGING EVERYONE BECAUSE JESUS THERES A LOT OF THEM#mumbo isnât here because i donât want him to stay human but i also donât have any ideas for him yet#if anyone has suggestions feel free to send them my way!!!#I WILL GET BETTER AT ANSWERING ASKS I SWEAR IâM SO SORRY
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
quiet on widowâs peak (12)
pairing: dan howell/phil lester, pj liguori/sophie newton/chris kendall rating: teen & up tags: paranormal investigator, mystery, online friendship, slow burn, strangers to lovers, nonbinary character, trans character, background poly, phil does some buzzfeed unsolved shit and dan is a fan word count: 3.2k (this chapter), 38.7k (total) summary: Philâs got a list of paranormal experiences a mile long that he likes to share with the world. Abandoned buildings, cemeteries, and ghost stories have always called his name, and a particular fan of his has a really, really good ghost story.
read this chapter on ao3 or here!
"You really don't know how to use chopsticks at all, huh?"
Phil ignores Dan's quiet, amused voice to keep attempting capture of the elusive sashimi. Eventually, he gives up and picks it up with his fingers. He pops it in his mouth and looks at Dan, despite all his common sense telling him it's a bad idea.
It's definitely a bad idea. The lighting is lower than in the coffee shop, tinged warm by the candles around the place - thankfully, none of them are on the table where Phil might accidentally elbow one and set the place ablaze - and Dan is sitting right across from him with shiny, smiling lips and dark, sparkling eyes. Phil reminds himself that this is not a date, that he wouldn't ask Dan on a date. Because Phil dates guys.
Well, not so much of the dating anyone at all thing as of late, but the point stands. Phil likes men and he likes everything that's classically attached to men, and he's not really interested in examining his sexuality in further detail at this point in his life. Still. Here Dan is, giggling at his attempts to wrangle sushi and asking about the footage corruption like it genuinely matters to them. Their feet keep knocking into Phil's own, because the table is small and both of them have Slenderman leg proportions. It also keeps happening because Dan seems to have a very hard time sitting still.
Their foot taps along to a beat that doesn't match the soft music over the speakers and their hands gesticulate with every question they ask, every story they tell. It's like they have a day's worth of energy that they've been building up while sitting in a lecture and making Phil a bunch of hot drinks.
"My family aren't big on going out to eat," Phil says, wondering how many times Dan's foot needs to bump his own before he can make a joke about playing footsie. "You're lucky I know how to use a fork and knife."
Dan giggles again. Phil loves the sound of that so much more than he thinks he should be allowed to.
"Lucky me," Dan teases, reaching for Phil's ginger with their own deft chopsticks. Phil considers batting them away, maybe engaging in a chopstick swordfight, but then he remembers that they're in public. "I guess my family didn't go out to eat much either, but that was more about the lack of money than anything else."
For a moment, Phil doesn't know how to respond to that. He's never quite known how to react when people drop things like that in casual conversation. Dan doesn't seem to notice his hesitation, because they're too busy stealing some of Phil's edamame.
"My mum just thought nobody could cook as well as she did," Phil jokes, pulling his edamame closer to him protectively. "At least, that's what she told us. I think she just couldn't be bothered wrangling us."
"You've got siblings?" Dan asks. They sound genuinely interested in the answer.
It's not a date, Phil reminds himself. They're friends, and Dan just wants to get to know him better.
"I've got an older brother," says Phil. "So it was just the two of us, but I've often been told we were frustrating enough for ten."
Dan laughs. "I can imagine. I mean, I don't know your brother, but I bet you started poking your head where it didn't belong a long time before you started getting paid for it." Their foot nudges Phil's again, but this time it seems like it's on purpose. "Bet you were a handful - I know I was. My brother was easy, I think. I was there for most of it, I guess, and he never caused nearly as much trouble as I did, but I think we were head to head in the annoying race."
"I have been informed that I could be a bit of a handful."
"Shocker."
Phil gives in to the urge of doing something silly and tosses an edamame bean at Dan's face. There's no staff looking at them that he can see, and it makes a lovely peal of laughter burst from Dan, so he considers it a win all around.
"Does your family live around here?" Phil asks. Dan's accent clearly isn't local, but their family could have moved at any point.
Something twists in Dan's expression, too quickly for Phil to name it. They settle their chin in one of their open palms, resting both elbows on the table in a way that would have Phil's mum batting at them. "No," they say, strangely slow about it. They seem to be deciding how much they want to say, because they end up shrugging and gesturing around vaguely with their free hand. "Adrian's with our uncle in Austria. No idea where exactly either of my parents are right now, but thank almighty fuck they're not somewhere together."
"Oh," Phil says. He doesn't really know what else to say. This is way out of his depth, not something he's had a lot of practice with talking about. It doesn't seem like it's particularly bothering Dan to talk about it, it's just that Phil has no idea how he's supposed to carry on a conversation with something like 'I'm glad my parents aren't together and I don't know where they live'.
Dan smiles rather kindly, like they know exactly what Phil is thinking and they don't blame him for it. Of course, Phil could be projecting wildly.
"It's okay," they say. Phil doesn't know them well enough to be able to tell when they're lying for sure, but they seem sincere enough. "I've been living on my own for a few years and don't keep up with them much. I go south to see my nana sometimes."
"That's good," Phil says blankly, chasing another piece of sashimi for something else to focus on. The last thing he wants to do is say the wrong thing and make Dan feel uncomfortable being around him.
"Do you get to see your family a lot?" Dan asks.
The question is a normal one, and his family is a topic that Phil usually jumps to discuss, but things are rocky enough emotionally for him right now that he can't even muster up the regular amount of enthusiasm. He shrugs. "I talk to them a couple times a week and see them every few months or so? Martyn lives in London, so I get to see him more often, but he's also like... much busier than I am. Mostly I just stay home with Peej and Sophie and Chris."
"I really like them," Dan informs him. It's more of an announcement than a casual observation, like they think it's important for Phil to know what they think of his friends.
It is. That's very important to Phil.
If this were a date - which it isn't - then Phil would probably crack some jokes about how much less fun they are when he's trying to have a lie-in or make a point of reminding Dan that Chris is flirtatious but harmless.
"I like them, too," he says instead. "They're all so weirdly nice to me that I think they're plotting my death, sometimes."
"I mean, that would get a lot of views," says Dan.
Phil laughs. "I can imagine it now. The mysterious life and death of Philip M. Lester... except my life isn't exactly mysterious, and PJ would not be good at lying to the police."
"You're a little mysterious," Dan says, pouring them both some more tea. They smile when Phil thanks them, their dimple in stark contrast in the lighting. "Not like you're skulking around in the night or whatever - but, listen, you do also do that. I just mean that it's... hard to tell what you're thinking."
"Good," Phil says lightly.
Luckily, Dan laughs like it's a joke. They don't need to be introduced to the exact height of Phil's emotional walls so early in the friendship.
"For example," Dan continues like they haven't been interrupted, "I've noticed that you keep staring at my mug, and I can't tell if it's because you're an insanely jealous Pokémon nerd or if you're trying to figure out what weird animals they are."
Talking about Pokémon is way easier than talking about family or friends or his own shortcomings as a human, so Phil jumps on the topic like he's been handed a life jacket. Dan has a surprisingly deep well of opinions about the games, and Phil starts to really enjoy himself while needling Dan with his own thoughts. Sometimes he pretends like he disagrees completely just to see the way Dan gets passionate, gesturing and getting louder and Googling facts to back their arguments up.
They've got a lot of other media in common, too, and Phil keeps waiting for Dan to not have an opinion on something. It hasn't happened yet. Even with things they haven't watched or read yet, they chatter on about reviews they've seen or theories they've been hearing. The singular time that Phil asks about a film they've never even heard of, Dan grins wide and asks him to tell them about it.
By the time their dinner and dessert and tea are all gone and the staff are starting to give them looks, Phil feels like he's never connected this quickly and easily with someone in his whole life. That's a dangerous thought, but it's also a nice one.
This isn't a date, because this can't be a date, because Dan isn't a guy and Phil only dates guys. Even so, when Phil pays the bill and follows Dan out to the pavement, he feels the bubbling nervousness that he associates with the endings of first dates. Dan walks him to his bus stop, rambling about how Phil must be watching The Walking Dead wrong if he really thinks it's boring. Their cheeks are rosy with the chilly air and the tips of their ears are bright pink. They are ridiculously, unbelievably cute. Phil wishes he could stop noticing details like that, things that are going to make it even harder for him to put that platonic distance between them.
Dan sways into his space a bit when they stop at the empty bus stop, but Phil can't tell if it's on purpose or if Dan is just wiggling around like they usually are.
"This was fun," they say, wrapping up their rant with zero segue.
"I think so," Phil agrees with a little smile. He checks the bus schedule on his phone for probably the fourteenth time today, anxious about missing it or getting on the wrong one or something and having to call his parents with a favour to ask. "And, hey, I'm in town again tomorrow if you want me haunting your place of work again."
Dan grins wide, the streetlights' warmth catching in their eyes and teeth in a mesmerizing sort of way. "I'm not working tomorrow," they say. "But I'd be happy to hang out after my lecture. What are you doing in town?"
"Oh," Phil says, then pauses. He remembers the fierceness in Dan's voice when they told him not to go back to the house by himself. Still, it's not like there's anything they can do to make him stay out of there. "I'm going back to the Wilkins place with my dad's old video camera. It's old, still uses tape, so I'm thinking corruption might not work on it."
"You're going back there by yourself?"
"Yeah, I'm going back," says Phil. He raises his eyebrows, daring Dan to keep arguing.
Dan is good at arguing, but once Phil has made his mind up about something, it's going to take a lot more than a persuasive pretty person telling him what to do to make him change it. Normally it would be annoying for someone to even try, but as confident as Phil is in his own ability to out-stubborn anyone on the topic of his own work, there's a part of him that thinks it's kind of sweet for Dan to worry so much. Ugh. He's got it bad.
It seems like some of his resolve is obvious in his expression or the set of his shoulders or whatever, because Dan just sighs loudly.
"Fine," they say. "I've got a Polaroid, I'll bring that too."
That hadn't been a tactic that Phil was anticipating. He's wrong-footed for a long moment or two as he waits for Dan to say they're kidding. "Uh," he says slowly. "You're not coming."
"Like fuck I'm not." Dan's stubborn face looks a lot like a frustrated, pouting toddler, but Phil still feels some of the effect. "You aren't going back there alone, I told you. I'm not letting you. And, sure, I don't know all the tricks of the trade or what the fuck ever, but you need someone to watch your back and make sure you don't stumble into more trouble. I'm your guy."
"You're not a guy," Phil says, because he doesn't really know what else to say.
That breaks Dan's seriousness, and they giggle into their large hand. Phil is already trying to apologise, but Dan waves him off like he's being ridiculous. "First of all," they say, "it's a figure of speech. And second of all, I'm not not a guy."
Phil can't think about that right now. His bus is visible a couple streets away and the last thing he needs is more confusion about Dan's identity on his plate.
"Sorry," Phil says again, just in case.
Dan rolls their eyes. "I'll see you tomorrow. I'm free after noon."
"Well, we won't go over there until after it gets dark," says Phil. "But I'll text you. We can - I dunno. Get something that's not sushi. Or just get sushi again, honestly, because I'm obsessed with it."
"Same," says Dan, dimples in full force. "We'll figure something out, anyway."
Before Phil can say anything else, Dan sways back into his space and gives him a tight, fleeting hug. "Tomorrow," they repeat before pulling away.
"Tomorrow," Phil agrees. His stomach is in knots and his bus is approaching, so all he can manage is a dorky wave before he has to start digging for change and preparing to make small talk with the bus driver. Dan waits until he's on the bus and gives him a two-finger salute before heading back down the way they'd come.
That detail, the fact that Dan had gone completely out of their way to walk Phil somewhere that he'd been vaguely anxious about, is almost enough to undo all of Phil's careful explanations of their actions towards him.
It wasn't a date. Phil hadn't asked them on a date.
But he's certain now, in a way that he's never been before, that he hadn't been the only one half-wishing it was.
--
Phil can't move.
He's not in the comfortable dullness of his childhood bedroom, where he'd fallen asleep. He's got rough wood under his back and dusty rafters above his head. He can hear the insistent sound of rain hitting the roof, but aside from that the attic is quiet.
He is alone in the Wilkins place and he can't move. For a very, very long time, nothing happens.
Then he feels pressure on his chest that hadn't been there before. He still can't see anything, but it's getting harder and harder to take breaths.
Just when he thinks he's going to pass out from the lack of oxygen, Phil wakes up.
--
"I've had nightmares about places we've investigated before," he says into the phone, hiding out in the kitchen while his parents watch some early morning news broadcast. He's got his clothes in the wash with some of his dad's stuff, so he's taken up roost at the breakfast bar with some cereal and he's been zoning out while looking at the spin cycle. "But they've never felt like... that."
"Like how?" Martyn asks. He's yawning a bit, and Phil almost feels bad about waking him so early.
"Like, real," says Phil. "I don't know how else to describe it, Mar. It felt like I was really there, like something was really sitting on my chest. I could smell the dust and hear the rain and - it felt real."
"Maybe it's not such a good idea to go back, then."
Phil huffs. "Are you kidding me? This just means I'm onto something."
"No, it means you're making reckless decisions because you want to be right so badly that you're willing to ignore warning signs," Martyn says flatly. "And, sure, maybe that's because there's actually something to investigate there, but is that a risk you're willing to take?"
The Wilkins place has never exactly been welcoming; Phil felt like there was someone watching him from the beginning, like they weren't alone in the old walls. And maybe it's stupid of him to keep going back when things had escalated last time into something he had no control over at all, but he knows he's right about this. That makes it hard for him to let go of it, to admit defeat and go back to Brighton with his tail between his legs.
This is his town. It doesn't matter that he's left or that his parents are leaving, too. These are the hills and the streets and the graveyards and the hospitals that he'd followed Martyn through until he was old enough to brave it on his own. He doesn't like the idea that something so relatively new could run him out of town with a nightmare and some flickering lights.
Maybe he does have something to prove. He doesn't plan on doing anything stupid, but he can at least recognise that the simple act of returning at night is stupid enough for the people who care about him to worry.
"I'll have Dan with me," says Phil.
"Oh, okay," Martyn says like he's found a corner piece in a jigsaw puzzle. "So there's a bloke involved."
Phil wants to say that Dan isn't a bloke, but he's got Dan's voice in his head semi-permanently now. He's pretty sure that Dan wouldn't object to the classification, and might even say that they're not not a bloke. Instead, he just sighs loudly. "It's not about Dan, knobhead. But they're, uh, kind of jumpy. So I won't spend more time in the Wilkins place than I strictly need to, okay? For their sake if nothing else."
"Promise?"
"Sure," Phil says, with far more irritation than he actually feels. If he acts prickly, then Martyn won't push. "Did you find out anything else about this place?"
"Not really," Martyn says through another yawn. "I guess Frankie said that some kids were fucking around with spells or something earlier this year? His sister and her friends got in shit for breaking and entering."
"Spells, okay." Phil pulls his phone away from his ear to make a note of that. "I think that was all the sigils we found upstairs, but I'll look closer at the other rooms."
"Be careful."
"Aren't I always?"
Phil hangs up before his brother can start pulling out any receipts.
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
If You Donât Love Me, Pretend - Chapter Five
An early update for once? Perhaps. Thank you everyone for reading and for all the lovely comments Iâve seen, I appreciate it a lot!
read on ao3
Words: 12.6k
Summary: Dan and Phil face more difficulties in their personal life while they wait for a decision to be made on their foster parent status.
Warnings for this chapter: swearing, mentions of alcohol and sickness
The next morning is arguably a bit better than the night before, in some ways. In several other ways, however, itâs worse.
In the light of day, itâs easy to forget any of the conversations theyâd had the night before that may or may not have left Dan feeling guilty and sad, but one thing thatâs not easy to forget is the headache heâs got. He expected it, naturally, but he had been half-hoping that the paracetamol from the night before would have had a bit more effect on his head, rather than just relieving his nausea of the night before. He groans at the light coming in the window, rolling over and throwing an arm over his eyes. As he does this, he realizes that heâs got a fair bit of space on the bed, which heâs a little surprised by.
Sure enough, when he sits up and glances around, the bed is empty besides himself, which he frowns upon realizing. Itâs not like he fully expected Phil to stay with him the whole morning, but, well⊠heâd hoped.
Just as he goes to crawl out of the bed and into the bathroom, Phil steps into the room, his eyebrows shooting up when he looks at Dan. âOh, good, youâre up.â He smiles, and Dan shifts, wondering if heâs in a good mood or just pretending to keep things from being awkward.
âYeah,â Dan croaks, cringing when he hears his voice.
Phil nods to the water on the nightstand, leaning against the wall beside the big mirror he hates cleaning. âI brought that in here about an hour ago, but you were dead to the world.â His lips quirk up as he says this, and Dan canât help but mirror his small smile as he takes a sip of the water, now room temperature.
âThanks,â he says appreciatively, balancing the cup on his knee. âHow long have you been up?â
Shrugging, Phil moves to come sit beside him, his eyes watching the cup warily. Dan rolls his eyes and brings his other hand up to clutch the cup, mainly to calm Philâs nerves about the precariousness of it. âIâve been up since nine, and itâs almost twelve now, so⊠that long.â Phil shrugs before he brings his hand up to Danâs forehead. âHowâre you feeling?â He asks, his blue eyes searching Danâs face for any sign of discomfort.
Dan subtly presses forward, pressing his forehead harder against Philâs hand, mainly because it relieves a bit of the tension. âMy head hurts,â he says simply.
At this, Phil snorts, dropping his hand. âIâm sure it does, mate. You drank a lot.â His eyes drop then, staring down at the glass rather than at Danâs face. Dan can imagine what heâs thinking, but heâs already decided not to share the truth behind the way heâd acted the night before. He did, however, come up with a semi-convincing half-truth.
âIâm sorry,â he says softly, moving his hand to poke Philâs thigh. He smiles when Phil rolls his eyes at the childish gesture. âI⊠I guess just having your family here sort of overwhelmed me, and I got to thinking about it and how they probably think this is crazy, and I guess I just feel like youâre going to change your mind,â he admits, staring down at his hands wrapped around the glass of water. Heâs surprised at how easy it comes to him, but then he realizes heâs really not lying. Sure, it wasnât unfounded fear, but beneath the anger of hearing Martyn trying to dissuade Phil from doing this with him, Dan truly did believe that the main reason heâd acted that way was because it made him afraid that Phil would change his mind.
âDan,â Phil says quietly, causing Dan to look up. He gives him a soft smile, knocking his knee against Danâs gently. âYou know I wouldnât do that to you. I told you I would do this, Iâm going to do it. You know I donât back out of things once Iâve made up my mind.â
His words do ease some of Danâs anxiety about it, but heâs still concerned about what would happen if Phil regretted it or decided at some point he didnât want to do it anymore. Honestly, it would be better for him to just admit it now, even if Dan didnât want it to happen, because it would be much harder if theyâd already started fostering when he comes to the conclusion that Dan fears he might. Still, Dan desperately didnât want that to happen at all, so he really hopes that somehow it wonât.
Rather than sit and dwell on this on a perfectly good Saturday morning, Dan nods, smiling weakly at Phil. âOkay.â
Phil smiles before moving to stand up. âThink you can get up or do you just wanna have a lazy day today?â He asks, reaching for Danâs almost empty cup, likely to refill it.
âI think Iâm going to take a shower and see how I feel after that,â Dan replies, handing him the cup and sliding off the bed. âDid you want to do anything today or is it okay if we just hang out here?â He rifles through his side of their closet as he speaks, glancing over his shoulder when Phil doesnât immediately answer. Itâs only then that he realizes heâs very much underdressed, in only a pair of boxers for once, not even a t-shirt thrown over it. He blushes as he feels Philâs gaze on him, stuttering out an apology as he shuffles to the bathroom, not even waiting for a response as he goes to take a shower.
Slightly mortified at the fact that just happened but not fully understanding why, Dan starts the water in the shower, waiting for it to get nice and warm while he brushes his teeth. A moment later, he pulls his boxers off, tossing them off to the side somewhere and stepping into the shower, pulling the frosted glass door close behind him. He was so grateful that the en-suite bathroom had such a huge shower, and he was even more grateful for the nice clouded glass.
He's reminded just how thankful he is for this type of glass when the door to the bathroom swings open a minute later, nearly making him jump. Luckily the glass is pre-made to be hard to see through and the steam from the hot water had managed to make it even more so.
âI brought you some more water and paracetamol, Dan.â Philâs voice carries from the door, and Dan can just make out the vague outline of him through the glass. âIâm gonna pop down to the shop, do you need anything?â
Dan thinks for a moment as he lets the water run over his hair, considering Philâs offer. âLemonade would be nice,â he calls back softly, incredibly aware of the fact that the only thing keeping Phil from seeing his naked body is a layer of glass. He canât explain the slight spike in his heart rate at the thought, although he chooses to blame it on nerves.
âOkay,â Phil laughs quietly. âIâll be back in a bit, call if you need anything.â
The door closes behind him softly, and only then does Dan relax, closing his eyes as he tries to get his thoughts on literally anything other than the fact that his best friend was so close to seeing him so⊠exposed, for lack of a better word. Sure, theyâd known each other for ten years and had lived together for a good portion of that, and thereâd been that time, nearly a decade ago when theyâd met⊠but Dan refuses to remember that, so he goes right back to thinking about how much his head hurts instead. Anything to keep his thoughts away from⊠that.
He showers quickly, although he does want to take advantage of the vacant flat and relieve some stress, heâs just not feeling up to it. His head is hurting and heâs just not feeling well enough to even enjoy a proper wank, so he doesnât bother. Instead he showers as quickly as he can, skipping conditioner in favor of getting out and back into bed sooner.
He changes into the sweats and t-shirt heâd brought in, taking the paracetamol Phil had left for him and hoping he can stomach some crackers or something to avoid getting sick. Heâs surprised only slightly to find that Phil has also left him some toast on his nightstand, and while itâs probably not as warm as it wouldâve been if heâd eaten it when it was made, the gesture behind it makes him tear up a little bit. He blames this on his hangover, shoving whatever pathetic emotion that is down while he goes to eat his toast.
After heâs finished and laying on his side, his eyes closed as he tries to encourage sleep, he listens carefully for any indication that Phil has returned. He hates himself a little for it, but he desperately misses his best friend, and he feels that with everything thatâs happened he hasnât really had any time with just Phil lately. He canât explain it really, but he misses how things were before everything became such a complicated charade.
At some point between laying down and going down this spiral of thoughts, Dan must fall asleep, because the next thing he knows, heâs being woken up by the feeling of a blanket being pulled over him. âPhi-?â He mumbles, his voice coming out garbled with sleep.
âHey. Itâs just me. Go back to sleep.â Philâs voice is quiet and soothing, and Dan sighs in relief, catching the older manâs hand as he pulls the blanket up and over Danâs shoulders.
âMissed you,â Dan sighs, squeezing Philâs hand once before letting go. Heâs exhausted and doesnât want to open his eyes, but just knowing that Phil is there makes him feel at ease. âSorry Iâve been such a shit friend lately.â The words tumble out of his mouth without his permission, but theyâre true and need to be said, honestly.
âDan...â Phil sighs, sounding tired. âYou need to quit apologizing. Everything is fine. Just get some rest, okay?â Dan feels his hand come up to brush against his forehead, and Dan nearly shivers at the contact.
âMâkay.â He feels the bed shift again, probably indicating that Phil is leaving, and Dan reaches out to tug on his T-shirt. âStay here?â He pleads. He was whiny when he was ill, but he felt less guilty about it since he was also half asleep.
A sigh escapes Philâs mouth, but Dan feels him shift to lay down. âJust for a few minutes, then Iâve gotta go do some things. Okay?â
Dan only hums in reply, already too gone in unconsciousness to respond.
~~~
The rest of the day is slow, even by their standards. Dan wakes at one point to find Phil asleep next to him, and from the looks of things, heâd never left to go do some things after all. The thought makes Dan smile, and he tries his best to be subtle as he studies Phil as he sleeps. Heâs vaguely aware of how creepy this is, but he brushes the thought away. They share a bed, and heâd just woken up to find Phil asleep not six inches away; of course he was going to look at him, he was bored, and it wasnât like he had anything better to do. At least, thatâs what he tells himself to justify it as his eyes study the shape of Philâs lips and the lines around his eyes.
When Phil eventually wakes, Dan has the common sense to act like heâd only been awake a few minutes rather than the half hour heâd probably truthfully been up. Luckily, Phil buys this easily, more concerned with how Dan is feeling.
âIâm better. The nap helped,â he admits, sitting up and stretching. He smirks at the face Phil pulls upon hearing his back pop, and just to be a pest, he does the same motion again.
âStop that!â Phil complains, shoving him. âItâs disgusting.â
Dan shrugs before climbing out of bed and grabbing his phone. âWanna go watch Riverdale with me?â
Phil sighs dramatically but nods. âYeah. We should order something. How does Chinese sound?â
âSure,â Dan agrees easily, leading the way to the upstairs lounge. They had the one downstairs, but their TV was upstairs, which sometimes, he admitted, was a little annoying.
Their day is completely unproductive in every sense of the word, but Dan feels more relaxed than he has in a while. They donât talk much, only to make fun of the characters on the show theyâre watching. They certainly donât talk about what had happened the night before, which Dan is honestly grateful for. Instead they spend the rest of Saturday and most of the day Sunday just hanging out and watching various shows and movies on Netflix. At some point Phil makes them go grocery shopping, but other than that, they stay completely unproductive.
By Monday, Dan feels well rested and ready for another week of school counseling and after-school foster carer training sessions. Heâs standing in their bedroom buttoning the buttons on the solid black shirt heâs picked out for today when Phil walks in, his eyes raking over Dan as he walks over to their bed. Dan quirks an eyebrow but doesnât comment on this, considering Phil was probably just amused at the fact that he was in all black, yet again.
Proving his thought correct, Phil nods to the closet as he climbs onto the bed and leans back against the headboard. âYou have shirts that arenât black, you know. And so do I.â His eyebrow is raised as a smile twitches at his lips, clearly challenging.
Dan shrugs, fixing the cuff on his sleeve. âYeah, and? This one looks good.â He goes to put on his shoes, sitting on the edge of the bed beside Philâs feet as he pulls them on.
Philâs foot comes up to prod at his hip gently, and Dan smiles a little down at his shoes that heâs pulling on. âI didnât say it didnât,â Phil replies quietly. Heâs watching Dan with an odd look on his face, and when Dan sits up to meet his gaze he feels a little self-conscious.
âYeah?â he teases, dropping his hand to Philâs foot and tracing the stars on the sock heâs wearing.
âOf course. We both know you look good in black,â Phil shrugs as if itâs obvious, and Dan feels a weird tug in his chest at the half-compliment. âItâs just like staring into a black hole when I look at you.â Phil grins as he says this, clearly finding himself very funny.
Rolling his eyes, Dan squeezes Philâs foot before standing up. âYouâre hilarious.â He grabs his phone from the end of the bed before lightly tapping Philâs thigh with it. âDo you want to come have lunch with me today?â Heâs not sure why heâs feeling so clingy all of a sudden, but he really does want them to have lunch together, since they havenât done it in a while during the work week. It wasnât uncommon for them to do it, but lately things have been so busy with either Philâs job or his own, and they hadnât been able to since before the whole fostering thing happened.
Phil nods, moving his foot to press his toes against Danâs leg, as heâs standing so close to the bed. âSure. Do you want me to pick something up on my way?â
âYeah, thatâll work. Indian?â Heâs hopeful as he says this, as heâs been craving Indian food lately.
âYeah, if thatâs what you want. See you at twelve?â Phil tilts his head and he looks so adorable sitting there looking up at him, Dan just wants to lean down and kiss him. Obviously, that would be completely weird, so he doesnât do it.
Instead, he pokes the arch of Philâs foot, making him jerk it away immediately. Dan only smiles and does it again, causing Phil to squeal and tuck his feet under the duvet. âSee you later, dear. Donât forget to stop for Indian food or Iâll break your hands,â Dan tosses the words over his shoulder as he walks out of their room, cursing himself for the term of endearment almost as soon as itâs left his mouth.
Phil doesnât even seem to notice it, thankfully. âBe safe driving and wear your seatbelt, Daniel!â He calls back, making Dan smirk before muttering an agreement.
He drives to the school carefully, just as heâd promised, his seatbelt nice and snug across his chest. Heâs only a little distracted this morning, mainly just replaying their conversation from earlier, his mind almost unable to wrap around the simple domesticity of it all. It had always been like that, he was sure, but lately it just seemed⊠sort of amplified, in a way he couldnât really grasp entirely. Sure, a few aspects of their friendship had changed in some ways, but not in ways that should make Dan feel like he does now. He feels⊠content, actually. Content in a way he hadnât felt in a long while.
Dan clears his head quickly when he gets to the school, trying to force himself into his work persona. He had things to do today, mainly things that involved schedules and some administrative work he didnât want to bother with, but those were the perks of working in the education system, he supposed.
Heâs barely even settled into his chair in his office when thereâs a knock, the door opening before he can even respond. He isnât too surprised to see Louise standing there, a smile on her face. âSure, Lou, come on in, Iâm not busy or anything.â He rolls his eyes fondly as he waves her in, knowing that she wonât be the slightest bit offended by his sarcasm.
âYouâve just gotten here, Daniel, we both know you arenât fussed with work yet,â Louise laughs as she comes in, settling herself in one of the chairs across from him.
When she doesnât immediately offer an explanation for her presence, Dan raises an eyebrow at her in question. âCan I help you?â he asks, trying not to laugh at the look of offense on her face.
âWhat a way to make a girl welcome!â She giggles along with him, clearly not truly bothered by his attitude.
Dan rolls his eyes before leaning on the desk, smiling at her. âRight, where are my manners?â She starts to answer, and he shoots her a look. âHow are you, Louise? Itâs so good to see you. Would you like some tea? What do you want?â He counts each question off on his fingers before smirking at her. âThat cover everything?â
Louise rolls her eyes at him, giving him an unimpressed look. âHonestly, Dan, canât I just come by and visit my favorite counselor?â Her voice is sweet, and heâs immediately suspicious.
âNo,â he answers immediately, shaking his head. âI think youâre up to something.â
She looks guilty, and he knows heâs right. âAlright, fine, I did have a question, or more of a request.â She bats her eyes at him as if itâs going to soften the blow for whatever horrible thing sheâs about to say, and he just waves her on to get it out. âWell, youâre obviously very busy these days with wedding planning and what have you.â Danâs proud of himself for containing his confusion for a second before he realizes what sheâs referencing. Then heâs stiffening in nervousness, worried about whatever is about to come out of her mouth.
âYeahâŠâ He drags the word out, looking at her with narrowed eyes. âAnd youâre mentioning this because?â
Louise smiles and sets her hands on the desk, looking like sheâs about to try and sell him a membership to some sort of exclusive company. âWell, obviously Iâve met Phil before, but not as your fiancĂ©,â she starts, and Danâs stomach twists. Heâs afraid he knows where this is going, and heâs not sure he likes it. âSo, I think you should have him join us for lunch!â She beams, as if this is the best idea sheâs ever had.
Dan raises an eyebrow at this, propping his chin up on his hand. âIs that so?â He asks, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
The blonde rolls her eyes, her smile dropping in favor of a pout. âPlease, Dan! I know he comes to lunch sometimes, but I just want to know more about your relationship, and I feel like what better way to do that than having you both here for lunch?â
Her request actually makes sense, and he almost hates it that much more because of this. And it wouldnât be the worst thing if she joined them for lunch, he supposed, since the more people knew, the more believable their little charade would be.
He sighs dramatically, sitting back in his seat and tossing his hands up in defeat. âYouâre in luck this time,â he drawls, rolling his eyes as he pulls his phone out. âPhil was coming for lunch today anyway.â
Louise claps her hands excitedly, a huge smile on her face. âYes! Thisâll be so much fun, Dan.â
The brunette snorts at the idea that this is going to be a fun experience but chooses not to comment on that. âI need to ask him if itâs okay for you to join us though, because when we made plans this morning it was just going to be the two of us.â He shoots her a look as if this is an inconvenience for him, which he supposed it wasnât really. He was just being a little reluctant because he wasnât positive they could pull off the whole relationship thing to someone who thought it was actually real. Even though theyâd pulled it off with Hazel, he wasnât sure they could really convince someone who already knew them, but he guessed they were going to find out.
âOh, hush. You get enough of him at home, share the man a little.â She winks as she says this, and Danâs cheeks flush at the implications behind her words.
He rolls his eyes at her as he dials Philâs number, glad that he knows that Phil wonât have left for work yet and should be close to his phone. It takes him a moment to answer, and when he does he sounds a little breathless. âYes?â
Dan frowns, glancing at the phone for a moment before bringing it back up to his ear. âAre you okay? You sound strange.â
Phil clears his throat, and Dan thinks he almost sounds⊠embarrassed? No, maybe not embarrassed. Perhaps a little guilty. Dan hopes he hasnât broken anything but knowing him there was honestly no telling. âIâm fine.â His voice does sound a little more normal, so Dan just assumes his phone was in a separate room and heâd had to rush to get it before it stopped ringing. That explains the shortness of breath when heâd answered, at least.
âAlright⊠I have a question.â Louise smiles sweetly at him from across his desk, and he rolls his eyes. âDo you mind if Louise joins us for lunch today? She insists on fleshing out every detail of our romance, preferably over lunch for some reason.â Louise shakes her head at this with a huff, but Dan only smirks.
He hears a laugh from the other end of the line, and Dan smiles since Phil hadnât gotten annoyed at the suggestion. âThatâs fine with me, Dan. Just text me what she wants from the Indian place and Iâll bring everything over around twelve.â
Dan nods, glancing over at Louise and giving her a nod, to which she claps quietly, a look of excitement on her face. âAlright.â Hyper-aware of Louiseâs presence, he averts his eyes to his screen, slightly uncomfortable with the pressure of acting like a couple, even when his supposed other half wasnât even present. âSee you then, babe. Be safe.â
Phil giggles, likely at the pet name, and Dan vows to kick him for making it even more embarrassing as soon as Phil gets here. âBye, Dan. Oh, I mean, bye babe.â
He tries very hard not to blush at the term, because it sounds very different coming from Philâs lips, and Dan hates it. He hangs up without any further comment, well aware that calling Phil out about it with the audience he has will only end in an awkward explanation.
âThere. Happy?â He says snidely, crossing his arms childishly as Louise stands, nodding happily.
âVery. See you at lunch, Dan!â She trills as she steps out of his office.
Before the door closes, he calls out, âText me what you want for lunch, weâre having Indian takeaway!â
She responds with an affirmative and shuts the door. As soon as he hears the click, he drops his head to his desk, feeling as if heâs went and gotten himself into a proper mess.
~~~
When twelve finally rolls around, Dan is filtering through a stack of paperwork on his desk for students who would be taking their GCSEs at the end of the year, double checking that each of them was scheduled in a testing area and had an assigned date for their exams. Heâs so focused on his work that he doesnât notice the door swing open, until he hears a voice.
âWhatcha doing?â Dan glances up at the sound of Louiseâs voice, finding her smiling as she bustles in with a bottle of Diet Coke.
He smiles at her, gesturing to the papers. âWorking on GCSE scheduling,â he glances over at his phone, checking the time. âPhil should be here in a few minutes, I reckon.â
Louise nods, sitting in one of the chairs across from him. âHowâs the scheduling coming along?â She asks, leaning over the table to look at the paper heâs been writing on.
He moves it so she can see it too, running his pen along a column. âItâs fine, but I actually had a question about this. I know this is just the first draft that you guys had sorted, but would it not make more sense to move the few year tens that are taking it to an earlier period? Thereâs a few that have some of their electives during that time, and I donât think they should miss them.â
The blonde slips into professional mode seamlessly, her eyebrows furrowing as she scans the paper. âHm⊠Iâm not sure, Dan, because if we do that, weâll need to move-â
The door opens then, interrupting her sentence. They both glance up and a smile graces Danâs lips easily at the sight of his best friend. Phil shoots them a sheepish look after realizing theyâre talking about something. âSorry, shouldâve knocked.â He glances over at Dan, an embarrassed smile tugging at his lips as he walks over to Danâs side of the desk, setting the food down.
âYouâre fine, love, you donât have to knock.â Dan smiles, not even realizing heâd used the endearment until itâd already slipped out. He doesnât even consider feeling embarrassed about it though, not after the smile that graces Philâs face.
âHi, Louise,â Phil smiles and nods to the blonde before surprising Dan as he leans closer to him, bracing one hand on the desk as he presses his lips to Danâs cheek softly. The younger man tries very hard to fight the annoying fluttery feeling in his chest at the contact, since he knows itâs only for show because Louise is there. Itâs brief, but he can still feel the warmth of his lips even after he pulls away. âSorry Iâm a bit late, but the food is fresh and warm, thatâs for sure.â
Louise has such a pleased smile on her face as she looks between them, Dan very nearly rolls his eyes. âYouâre perfectly fine, Phil. Sit, sit, I havenât seen you in so long, we have loads to talk about.â She pats the seat beside her and Dan sends her a pleading look, mentally begging her not to make this weird or uncomfortable. He had a sneaking suspicion she was going to get way too personal and he would much rather avoid that.
âYouâre right, it has been a while! Weâve just been so busy with the fostering and everything, itâs-â Phil stops almost immediately, his eyes widening as he shoots Dan a panicked look.
Thereâs a silence in the room where Dan contemplates jumping out the window to avoid Louiseâs reaction, but then Phil would be on his own with her, and he couldnât do that to him. So instead of that, he just sighs, sending Phil a smile that says Itâs fine, before glancing over at Louise. She looks a mix of confused, excited, and angry, and he knows sheâs feeling left out of the loop.
âBefore you ask, Lou,â Dan starts, holding his hands up when the blonde looks at him. âI wasnât hiding it or trying to be sneaky. I just didnât want to tell anyone until we got further along in the process.â He glances over at Phil, who looks guilty. He sends him a reassuring smile, hoping that thatâs enough for now.
âI⊠Iâm just surprised, is all,â Louise admits finally.
Dan shifts in his chair, unsure of how heâs meant to take that. âIs that, like⊠an insult?â He asks tentatively, sharing a look with Phil.
âNo, no, definitely not!â Louise rushes to say, holding her hands up as if to wave away the accusation. âI just⊠Iâm surprised that you two are doing something so big so soon, before youâve even married.â She doesnât sound judgmental in the slightest, but still Dan feels a pang of hurt in his chest and looks down, chewing his lip anxiously.
Phil, always in tune with Danâs every thought and emotion, speaks up then. âWell, weâve been together ten years⊠does it matter that we arenât married yet?â Danâs eyes flit up to meet his, almost in panic, but Phil is just studying him carefully with a small smile on his lips. âI mean, marriage is essentially just a piece of paper, right?â He turns to look at Louise now, and Danâs a little nervous for the direction this conversation seems to be taking. To distract himself, he begins pulling out the containers of food and sorting them out to who they belong to.
âWell, I mean, in some ways, yeah,â Louise says slowly, apparently not following exactly what Phil is saying. Danâs heard the speech, or a variation of it, a million times, so heâs pretty sure he knows where itâs going. Phil was against marriage, denying that it held any real value. Dan didnât disagree exactly, but⊠he wasnât so sure he wanted to relive this conversation in front of his coworker and good friend, especially since they were still trying to keep up the appearances of an engaged couple.
Phil shifts in his seat, glancing over at Dan as he does, their gaze catching for only a moment before Dan looks down again. He didnât want to look at him while he heard Phil tear apart the concept of marriage, he just couldnât do it, not with the circumstances. He braces himself for what he knows is coming, because he definitely canât just tell him to stop talking, not since heâs gotten this far.
Instead, Dan is surprised when he hears Phil say something else entirely.
âWell, think about it. Marriage is symbolic. Itâs not going to make me love him more. I wonât wake up the morning after the wedding thinking, âwow, I love this human more than I did before. Thatâs ridiculous.â Phil shakes his head. Meanwhile, Dan is trying desperately not to show his inner turmoil over hearing Phil say that four letter word with such ease, in association with him. Sure, theyâd said it to each other over the years; they were best friends, of course they loved each other, but it had been a while since it had been expressed so bluntly. The fact that the context was different in this situation also didnât do his clenching heart any favors.
Louise seems dumbstruck, and Dan meets her gaze with an embarrassed sort of smile. âI donât think Iâve ever considered it like that. Thatâs⊠quite a good point, actually.â She seems to have a strange sort of moment then, where she just sits back and looks over at Dan, an odd look on her face. Dan hands them each their food, hoping the conversation will change course now, but of course Louise has to go and say something else. âWhat made you decide to do it, if you think itâs just symbolic? What changed your mind?â
Phil glances up at her, a conflicted look on his face before he looks over at Dan. Danâs stomach churns at the fond smile on Philâs face when their gazes meet, unable to help himself from mirroring the expression. âDan did.â His eyes are light and if Dan didnât know any better, he would say that he was being absolutely honest, rather than lying through his teeth like Dan knew he was for the sake of keeping up their appearances.
Only able to handle so much cheesiness at once, Dan rolls his eyes, fondly. âThatâs enough of that for today, I think.â Itâs nearly impossible for him to will his blush away, but he thinks he manages it well enough. âHowâs work been today?â He directs this question to Phil.
His blue eyes light up, and Dan has to repress a smile at how cute he looks so excited about his job. âItâs actually been great. I think weâve got a few guests lined up for the new game segment weâre trying out for the next couple weeks. Iâm really hoping thatâs a success, since weâve got Nick Jonas and Demi Lovato coming on to play in about two weeks. Oh, and weâve been planning more for the project weâre working on this weekend.â Phil glances at Louise then, a sheepish look on his face as he seems to realize that heâs only speaking to Dan, not really explaining the things heâs doing in detail since Dan already knows so much about it. âSorry, I get a little carried away about the radio show. If someone doesnât stop me, Iâll talk for hours.â
Dan rolls his eyes, nodding. âI can attest to this.â Phil pouts at him, but then Dan finally processes something Phil had said. âWait, this weekend? Whatâs this weekend?â His eyebrows knit together as he thinks back to their calendar, trying to remember if Phil had a trip coming up. He thought it wasnât another two weeks until he was meant to have a work trip, so this must be something else.
Phi shoots him a curious look. âWeâre filming that mini documentary this weekend. In Ireland,â he adds, as if thatâll help jog Danâs memory. âDid you forget about that?â He doesnât sound upset or annoyed, just curious, and Dan ducks his head and shrugs.
He doesnât want to admit it, but heâs a little sad that Phil wouldnât be home, as he hadnât prepared to be alone for an entire weekend. Heâs vaguely aware of how pathetic that sounds, even in his own head, but he felt that heâd grown sort of reliant on the constant company, and it would just be strange to be alone for that long after so long of sharing their space all the time. He shrugs in response to Philâs question, stabbing a piece of chicken with his fork. âNo, I guess not.â
Louise pipes up then, a look of glee on her face. âAww, poor thing, youâll miss him, wonât you?â She says this so sweetly, and Dan can tell sheâs just eating up this opportunity to tease him about his relationship. If only she knew the truth.
He rolls his eyes at her. âObviously Iâll miss him, Lou.â He shakes his head at the ridiculousness of such a question. Even if they werenât pretending to be in a relationship heâd miss him; Phil was his best friend.
âDanâs clingy, isnât he?â The blonde turns to Phil, a sly smile on her face.
Dan glares at her, crossing his arms. âI am not,â he protests, rolling his chair over to his mini fridge to get a drink. He only had one bottle of Coke, and he made a mental note to get more the next time he went to the grocery store.
Phil smirks at him, shrugging. âA bit, but not in a bad way,â he answers Louiseâs question, causing Dan to send him a heated glare. âIâm the same way, Dan, and you know it.â Phil only rolls his eyes at the look on Danâs face, not affected in the slightest.
âWhatever,â he mumbles, taking a sip of the drink before handing it to Phil. âYouâre lucky Iâm sharing this now, after that comment. Itâs my last one.â Heâs fully aware of how childish he sounds, but he feels itâs justified after Phil called him out like that.
âThank you, love,â Phil says sweetly, his eyes dancing with amusement when their gazes meet. Dan almost takes the drink back then, just on principle, but he isnât that cruel.
âYou two are well adorable and all, but itâs a bit like watching two children fighting,â Louise observes, looking highly amused by this.
âBelieve me, I know,â Dan sighs, dropping his chin onto his hand as he gets back to his food.
The rest of their lunch is spent talking and teasing, and Dan eases into their charade more than he thought he would. Itâs honestly no different than normal, aside from a few added pet names here and there, which Dan doesnât mind in the slightest. In fact, heâs quite enjoying it, fake as it is, because hearing those terms drop so easily from Philâs lips is a little intoxicating to him.
Eventually, though, it ends, as Louise is called back to her office about fifteen minutes before their break ends, a disciplinary matter awaiting her. She insists that they meet for lunch more often, sending Phil a wink as she leaves them alone. Dan, drained from every aspect of that interaction, drops his head to his desk, sighing. He hears the chair in front of him shifting as Phil stands, followed by the sound of his footsteps drawing closer, sitting on the edge of the desk beside where Danâs head was. Dan sighs again when he feels Philâs hand drop to his hair, his hand raking through the curls in a comforting way.
âYou okay, bear?â He asks softly. Danâs heart clenches at this particular nickname, as heâd always had a soft spot for Phil calling him that. Itâd been happening more recently, heâd noticed, but he certainly wasnât going to complain about that.
âYeah,â he murmurs, tilting his head to look up at Phil. âJust⊠Louise can be a lot.â
Phil smiles at this, nodding. âYeah⊠But I think we did okay, yeah?â
Dan can only return the smile, nodding. He closes his eyes as Phil pets his hair for a few more moments, wishing more than anything that they were home. With a resigned sigh, he sits up, effectively causing Phil to remove his hand. âI guess you need to get back to work.â He hates the idea, but heâs comforted in the thought that heâll get to see him later at home.
âYeah.â He tilts his head, concern on his face. âAre you sure youâre okay? You look tired.â
Dan shrugs this off, clearing the food items off his desk. âI am tired,â he jokes, not missing the look Phil sends him. âIâm fine, promise. What time are you coming home?â
Phil sighs at the change in topic but answers him anyway. âThe showâs over at four, so Iâll be home after that.â
âYou donât have to stay and work on anything else?â Dan asks timidly, unsure if he should even hope that he says no.
A smile tugs at Philâs lips, and he doesnât hide it very well at all. âNope. Iâll be home as soon as I can be.â Then, surprising Dan for the second time in one hour, he leans in, kissing Danâs forehead gently. âSee you at home, Dan. Be careful driving, okay?â He waits for Danâs nod of affirmation before he smiles and stands, carrying the trash from their lunch out with him as he goes.
âThank you for lunch,â Dan calls before Phil gets to the door, propping his head up with his hand and sending Phil a tired smile when he looks back at him.
Phil just shakes his head, a fond look on his face. âIâll see you later, Dan.â
Dan can only smile at this, watching as the door shuts. Only then does he let himself consider that today felt different, that he felt different. He absolutely refused to acknowledge the little voice in his head that wanted to give him suggestions about why that might be, and instead dragged his paperwork back out, busying himself with important things, like his career.
There was no room for second guessing his relationship with his best friend in his life right now, especially not with everything that was currently staked on them successfully acting as if they were a happy couple. He absolutely wasnât about to ruin that with any of these irritating thoughts about what he used to feel. Even if things did feel a little similar to that time now, he couldnât simply put aside everything else about their life or their friendship to revisit feelings he may or may not have felt nearly ten years ago. That was ridiculous.
At least, thatâs what he tells himself repeatedly the rest of the afternoon, as he struggles to focus on the rows of names on the sheets in front of him.
Needless to say, it was a long day.
~~~
Phil hadnât been lying when he said his trip to Ireland was that weekend, and even after Dan double checked their shared calendar in the office, he still frowned, wondering how on earth heâd gotten the dates mixed up. He doesnât ponder this too long, as their evenings are still filled with foster carer training, and on one evening that week, another home visit from Hazel, which goes just as well as the last. She informs them that they have a date for their panel meeting, and theyâre both excited to see that the process is moving along so smoothly.
By the time Thursday rolls around and Phil is actually getting packed for his trip, Dan is pretty much exhausted. Heâs by no means happy that his best friend will be gone for four days, but heâs slightly relieved that at least he can nap the majority of the day and catch up on various chores around the house without fear of judgement.
Thursday night theyâre sat in their bedroom as Phil packs his things. Dan was sitting on the bed, watching Phil with a pout on his face as he collected his clothes and shoved them in the bag. Despite his typical habit to procrastinate to the last moment with his own packing, Dan is rather bossy as his best friend packs, reminding him constantly of things he mightâve forgotten.
âDo you have your charger?â He asks, holding onto his legs as he sits criss-cross at the end of the bed beside Philâs bag, peering over into it with concern.
Phil rolls his eyes at him, nodding. âYes.â
âAnd your passport?â Danâs aware that he sounds a bit like a helicopter mum, but he hates the idea of Phil flying on his own and forgetting something, with Dan not there to help him. Sure, heâd flown alone plenty of times, but Dan still felt that he should be there with him.
âDan. Relax. Iâve got everything, okay?â Phil tosses a couple pairs of socks into the bag, sending Dan a reassuring smile.
Dan shifts, feeling a bit defensive. âI just wanted to make sure,â he says, his voice unintentionally small.
Phil stops moving around then, seeming to pick up on Danâs mood. He stops and kneels down in front of Dan, dropping his hands to the younger manâs knees. âI know youâre just concerned, and I appreciate that. But Iâm fine, okay? Iâve got all my ducks in a row, I promise.â He smiles then, his blue eyes bright. Dan can tell how excited he is for this trip, and he hates himself for worrying so much, probably dampening Philâs desire to go.
âOkay,â Dan mumbles, dropping his gaze down to his hands that are folded in his lap.
âHey,â Phil says gently, drawing Danâs eyes back to his own. Heâs got a soft look on his face as he reaches up, tucking a curl back into place atop Danâs head. âIâm not upset with you for trying to help. Iâm glad you care that much.â His lips stretch into a smile at this, and Dan averts his eyes from his best friendâs lips immediately, meeting his gaze again.
He shrugs nonchalantly. âIâd prefer if you didnât die or run out of clothes or get there and not have your- do you have your contacts?â He breaks his own train of thought to rifle through Philâs bag. Heâs surprised when he feels his hands being tugged gently away.
âYes, I do. And you need to stop worrying. Iâll let you check my bag when Iâm done packing to make sure Iâve got everything, but until then youâve gotta quit worrying. Deal?â He offers, raising an eyebrow questioningly.
Dan considers it for a moment before shrugging, nodding. Phil smiles and stands again, moving around the room to finish collecting all his things. Dan sighs, laying back on the bed. Thereâs a thought bouncing around in his head, and he knows he doesnât need to voice it, but he wants to say it so badly it feels like heâs suffocating with the weight of it.
Finally, he canât stand it any longer. Without sitting up, he says, âDid you mean what you said about marriage earlier?â
Almost immediately, he regrets asking, but he needs to know. The room is silent for a moment, and heâs a little concerned that maybe Phil didnât hear, but then he hears an awkward chuckle. âWhich part?â He asks, sounding a little nervous.
Dan shrugs, considering this. âThe part where you said that it was basically just a symbol because it didnât change how much you love- someone.â He very pointedly does not use his own name in that narrative, because he knows that this thing between them isnât real, and he doesnât want to put words in Philâs mouth.
Again, another silence. Dan props himself up on his elbows for this, looking over at Phil. The older man is stood by their closet, his eyes locked on some spot on the lower wall, chewing his lip. He looked deep in thought, but he answers without looking away from that spot. âYeah. Thatâs what Iâve always thought, to an extent.â
Dan lets out a breath he hadnât known he was holding, laying back down. For some reason, that doesnât sate his curiosity about the topic, and his brain supplies that maybe that wasnât the part of the conversation earlier that heâd wanted clarification on. He pushes that thought far, far out of his mind immediately. âOh,â he murmurs softly, unsure what else to say.
Itâs quiet for a moment before Phil comes back over, dropping something else into his bag before he comes to stand just between Danâs legs that are dangling off the bed. Dan glances up at him at the contact, very pointedly not thinking about the fact that heâs laid down, stretched out on the bed, with Phil standing over him like this. He very carefully keeps his gaze on Philâs face and his thoughts on things like Slenderman and dead puppies, because god knows he hasnât had time to release any sort of tension recently, so this position could very easily become a problem.
âWhy do you ask?â Phil inquires, staring down at Dan with a strange look on his face. Dan shrugs, letting his eyes trail up to Philâs quiff and then up to the ceiling.
âNo reason, I guess. I just thought it was interesting, since Iâve heard you rant about how stupid marriage is for years.â He keeps his voice neutral, and it wasnât as if he was lying. He did think it was interesting for that reason, but he also knew that the question heâd wanted to ask wasnât something he had any right asking.
âOh.â Phil sounds a little disbelieving, but luckily, he doesnât press. Instead, he just taps Danâs thigh. âCâmere.â
Dan glances up, a little surprised to see Phil holding his hands out. Dan obliges almost immediately. He felt that he definitely deserved a hug for today, and especially since Phil would be gone for four days. He sits up and wraps his arms around Philâs waist, burying his face in his chest. They were both tall, so it wasnât very often that Dan got to feel so short and comforted in his grip, so he reveled in the feeling of Phil wrapping his arms around Danâs shoulders, leaning down so his cheek is resting atop Danâs head.
Breathing deeply, Dan decides heâs allowed one more selfish comment for today. âIâll miss you.â
Philâs arms tighten around him, and he closes his eyes when he feels his chest rumble with a laugh. âIâll miss you too, bear.â
Itâs hard to tell how long they sit there, but Dan eventually feels a lump building in his throat, and he knows itâll only be a few minutes before heâs a mess if he doesnât stop this now. He leans away, gesturing to Philâs bag. âGet to it, mate, Iâm ready to go to sleep.â
The joking tone seems to lighten the mood, and Phil laughs loudly, ruffling Danâs hair as he steps away. âYes, your majesty.â
Dan smiles at this, laying down on his side to watch Phil move around. Itâs not long before heâs done, and after Dan checks through the bag and reminds him to get his toiletries in the morning, heâs satisfied with Philâs packing and more than ready for sleep. He curls up under the duvet and waits for Phil to turn off the lights and join him. As soon as theyâre both in the bed, Dan reaches out and pokes his best friendâs chest.
âBe safe tomorrow, okay? I know youâll probably wake me up with your elephant feet in the morning, but I want to say it now anyway.â He brushes Philâs hair back, lingering for a moment before pulling his hand back to his chest.
âIâm not even that loud,â Phil complains, his eyes rolling.
Dan shakes his head, smirking. âYou are, but that isnât point.â He shifts slightly closer, his expression morphing into a more serious one. Even if it was a short flight, he still worried. âI want you to text me when you get to the airport, if you donât mind. And when you land, so I know youâre safe.â
Phil smiles, leaning across the few inches separating them to press a kiss to Danâs forehead. Danâs grateful for the darkness, probably hiding the blush he feels creeping onto his cheeks. âI will, Dan,â he says softly.
His chest suddenly feeling a little tight, Dan only nods, rolling over onto his stomach, not so subtly getting closer to Phil as he does it. He closes his eyes, although he knows that he probably wonât sleep until heâs replayed that sweet forehead kiss about three hundred times, committing it to memory. âNight, Phil,â he whispers into the pillow.
He feels the gentle pressure of Phil resting his hand on Danâs lower back, stroking gently before his reply comes. âGoodnight, Dan.â
~~~
When Dan wakes up, itâs to an empty bed, and empty bedroom. He tries not to let that bother him, instead thinking positively about the fact that he got some extra sleep in. He grabs his phone to turn off his alarm, smiling when he realizes heâs got some messages. One is from his mum, and the others are from Phil.
Phil: I just left the flat and didnât wake u up so suck it Howell
Phil: Iâm at the airport now and Iâm not the last crew person here thank god that would be awkward
Phil: I hope these arenât going to wake you up, but since itâs been a bit and you still havenât answered Iâm gonna assume they havenât
Phil: getting on the plane perfectly safe text you when I land x
That was the last message, and Dan maybe lingers too long on the little âxâ at the end. Just maybe.
He showers and dresses for work quickly, counting the time around when Phil last texted him to figure out when he would land. If his math was right, it would probably be shortly after he got to the school. He messages him back just to show that heâd read his last messages, and to assure him that he hadnât been woken up.
Dan: didnât wake me donât worry. am glad ur safe on the plane and didnât die yet
He knows Phil well enough to know that heâll find the humor in that, where some people might think heâs being insensitive and indifferent. In reality they both knew that Dan worried a lot about flying alone, whether it was him or, in this case, Phil. He just masked his concern with jokes, since that seemed to work much better for him.
The drive to the school goes by in a blur as heâs got his mind on other things, and he drops his things off in his office quickly before venturing out to the staff lounge to get some coffee. He was earlier than usual, probably due to the lack of distraction this morning. Phil not being there maybe had a positive side after all.
Heâs just gotten back into his office when thereâs a knock on his door. âCome in,â he calls, setting his mug down and moving to open the curtains. He glances to the door when he hears it open, pleasantly surprised to see Charlotte. âCharlotte! How are you doing?â The girl smiles timidly before pointing to one of the chairs. He nods, gesturing for her to sit as he does the same. âEverything okay?â he asks when she doesnât speak.
She fidgets for a moment before she finally brings her gaze up to meet his. âThey terminated our parentsâ rights yesterday,â she says, so quietly that he almost thinks he hasnât heard her properly.
After a moment of speechlessness, he finds his words somehow. âIâm so sorry that this happened to you, Charlotte,â he whispers, his voice full of hurt. His heart ached for this child, and heâs suddenly thrown back four months ago, when this child had sat in his office telling him exactly what was going on at home. She didnât realize how much her decision to tell him affected not only her life, but his as well.
The girl only nods, tucking her hair back behind her ear. âI only wanted to tell you since⊠you know, you helped us out. Thank you, by the way.â She briefly meets his eyes before dropping her gaze back to her hands once more. âIt sucks and everything, but weâre so much safer than we were. And thatâs because of you.â
He canât help it when he stands and offers her a hug. She stands quickly, and he gathers her up in his arms, holding her tightly. There were rules and regulations about student-teacher contact, but this child had been through so much, and she needed a hug. âIâm so sorry this happened, Charlotte, but Iâm glad I could help in some way.â He hesitates for a moment before pulling away, holding her at armâs length. âYou know, because of you, my fiancĂ© and I decided to start fostering.â
She looks surprised, and heâs not sure if itâs because heâd just mentioned having a fiancĂ© or if itâs because of his admission to fostering because of what heâd seen with her situation. âReally?â She asks, her eyes lighting up.
Dan nods, moving to sit back in his chair. âYes. Iâve wanted to do it for years, but after that day⊠Well, that really gave me the push I needed to do it.â
Charlotte sits back down carefully, tucking her hair behind her ear. âI think thatâs great, Mr. Howell. And I think youâll make a great parent.â She smiles before blushing, nodding to the filing cabinet in the corner. His gaze wanders over to it, and he notices what sheâs looking at. âIs that your fiancĂ©?â She asks timidly, referencing the picture of him and Phil on their trip to Japan.
He nods, his heart swelling with something he thinks is pride. âIt is.â He smiles, looking at the picture for a long moment before turning back to her.
She smiles back, nodding. âYou look good together,â she compliments before going to stand. âI should get to first period, but I just wanted to come by and let you know what happened and say thanks.â She grabs her backpack and is on her way out the door as she speaks.
âThank you for telling me. Stop by anytime you need me, Charlotte.â He watches the door close, his smile slowly slipping into a small frown. Of course, he loved seeing the children he worked with, and he was glad she felt comfortable coming to speak to him, but seeing her had been a reminder, like a splash of cold water to the face.
Regardless of whatever he thought his feelings could be concerning Phil, this whole act had a purpose. A purpose that was bigger than both of them. It was entirely based on the idea that they do something to help these kids who didnât have anyone else. There wasnât any time or place for him to feel the sort of things he thought heâd been feeling lately, and this had just been a good reminder of why. He vows to keep himself in check from now on, but when his phone dings with a new text, he already feels his heart change pace.
Heâs beginning to think that heâs totally fucked.
~~~
âTilt your screen down, you spoon, I can barely see you.â Dan is laughing as he gives the instructions, but he honestly just wishes Phil would fix the damn laptop, so he could see his face better. They were Skyping, and while he felt codependency was written across his forehead, he really didnât regret it; he missed Phil already, and this was just so nostalgic for them, as their friendship had started online all those years ago. Thereâd been many late-night skype calls back in those days, and he was honestly a little excited for the nostalgia of it.
Phil does as heâs instructed, tilting the screen until Dan can clearly see his face. âBetter?â He asks brightly, grinning with his tongue caught between his teeth.
Dan nods into his own little laptop camera, smiling. âYes.â His eyes take in what he can see of Philâs hotel room from this angle, and he raises an eyebrow. âI like your hotel room. The BBC is doing a nice job putting you guys up.â
Rolling his blue eyes, Phil shifts to lie down on his side, adjusting the laptop as he goes. âThanks. I booked the rooms for this trip.â He rolls his eyes again, showing his distaste for the task. âThis one isnât terrible, but the room service isnât great.â He frowns at this, and Dan watches him glance up at something Dan canât see. His heart squeezes a little at how tired Phil looks all of a sudden.
âWell, why arenât you just out to dinner with everyone else? Iâm sure no one else is hanging out in their room alone.â He means this to be teasing and light, but he doesnât miss the flash of hurt that crosses Philâs face as he frowns.
âBecause I wanted to talk to you,â he says almost immediately, the honesty in his voice sends Dan spiraling into his own mind; what if, what if, what if.
He has paused for too long. Philâs frown reappears, deeper-creased. Say something, Dan. He has to say something. âYou couldâve texted or something. You know, if youâd wanted to go out.â Guilt courses through him at the idea that heâs holding Phil back, and he hates that feeling so much.
Phil shakes his head, moving his laptop away from him a bit. âI wanted to see you, too,â he says softly.
Every feeling Dan has ever had is shoved under a magnifying glass, a hundred, no a thousand times bigger and warmer than before. But heâs playing it cool. âYeah?â What if, what if, what if, WHAT IF- âI wanted to see you too.â
Thereâs a silence when they just look at each other for a moment, and Dan feels so comfortable that heâs actually surprised. He wouldâve thought that surely after all these years it would feel weird skyping, after so many years practically attached to the hip, but it actually didnât feel much different than it used to. Heâs annoyingly reminded of the similarities as his heart swells when Phil begins talking about his day. Just like old times.
They talk for less than an hour, but Philâs eyes keep drifting to a certain point and he keeps snapping his head back to the camera, and even if Dan doesnât have to work in the morning, Phil does. âOkay, go to sleep, granddad. You clearly canât stay up past your bedtime,â Dan jokes, wishing more than anything that he was there with him. He shakes his head to clear that thought immediately.
Phil yawns then, only adding to Danâs point. âI swear I wanted to stay awake longer,â he smiles blearily. âBut Iâm not going to lie, Iâm exhausted.â
Dan nods, trying not to laugh at him. âI know, I can tell. Itâs fine. Just text me tomorrow and let me know youâre okay. If youâre not exhausted when you get back to the hotel Iâll call, okay?â
The older man smiles warmly at this, propping his head up on his arm as he gazes into the camera, and Dan feels that gaze is looking right into his soul. âI canât wait.â He pauses for a second before shifting, glancing away before his eyes flicker back. âI wish I was home,â he admits carefully.
Dan feels his heart jump into his throat, and he nods sharply. âMe too,â he breathes, hoping to God that he doesnât do something ridiculous like cry. âIâll talk to you tomorrow, Phil. Get some sleep.â
âOkay. Night, Dan.â Philâs eyes are already closed, but Dan is positive heâs not actually asleep yet.
âNight,â he breathes. He ends the call, wishing more than anything in the world that he didnât feel the cold in his chest that he currently felt.
~~~
The weekend goes by in a blur of cleaning, a trip to the grocery store, and a handful of calls and texts with Phil. Dan was surprisingly productive with all his free alone time, and the flat honestly looked great when he was finished. He also took the liberty of buying some simple sheets for the twin bed in the spare bedroom, spending probably an hour making the bed and tidying up the relatively empty room. Ever since Hazel had told them the date for their panel meeting that would determine their approval for fostering, he was giddy and nervous. Cleaning the spare room just helped calm his nerves slightly, but he wasnât positive how much it was helping.
Monday is slow at work, but heâs counting down the hours before he gets home. Philâs flight wasnât landing until nearly midnight, so heâd likely be asleep before he got in, but he was more than relieved that he was finally going to be home. Not that heâd been that pathetically alone; he just liked having company and it was strange to go from having his best friend around all the time to only having a few texts or a call.
When he gets home, Dan tries to stay awake and wait for Phil to come home, but heâs exhausted, so heâs asleep before ten. Itâs a restless sleep, though, as if even in sleep his body knows heâs anticipating something and canât properly rest. So, heâs not really surprised that he wakes up easily enough when he feels the mattress dip with the weight of another person.
He rolls over, his eyes bleary as he opens them, blinking a few times to see properly. Phil is there, putting his glasses on the nightstand with his engagement band and plugging his phone up. He probably doesnât even realize Danâs awake, but when he turns back around to settle into bed, his eyes immediately meet the brunetâs.
âHi,â he breathes, his blue eyes dull with exhaustion, even as his lips curl up into a smile.
Dan doesnât even think before scooting closer, pressing his face to Philâs chest and wrapping an arm around him. âHi,â he whispers back, snuggling into his side. He smiles as he feels Phil return his embrace, one of his hands stroking down Danâs back while the other tangles in his hair.
âIâm sorry I woke you up,â Phil says softly. Dan tries to ignore the way he feels Philâs lips press into his hair.
He shakes his head a little. âIâm not.â Something about saying it into the darkness seems a little less scary, a little less real. As if the darkness masks any meaning he may have behind the words.
âMe too,â Phil murmurs, shifting so that heâs lying on his back rather than his side, allowing Dan to properly rest his head on Philâs chest. The hand in Danâs hair doesnât stop petting gently, and with the silence that falls over the room, itâs all too easy for Dan to fall asleep, content in Philâs arms.
~~~
The next few weeks after Philâs trip passes in a sort of blur, with Danâs twenty-eighth birthday passing by quietly due to all the focus being on the foster situation. Phil offers to cook and invite some friends over, but ultimately Dan decides he just wants a quiet night in. Itâs just a birthday, and heâll have another in a year, and they can do something more exciting then.
Just a couple weeks after his birthday, they find themselves back at Hazelâs office for the panel meeting. To say that Dan was a nervous wreck would be an absolute understatement. Heâs shaking so much that Phil insists on ordering them a cab rather than trying to drive. The whole ride there, heâs got the older manâs hand clutched in his in a death grip.
âDan, please relax,â Phil says gently, his purple thumb stroking the back of Danâs hand gently. âEverythingâs going to be fine, just take a deep breath. Everything is fine.â
Dan tries to do this, he really does, but he finds it ridiculously hard to relax. âI need a distraction. God, I canât do this,â he bursts, a wave of panic washing over him. His palms are sweating and he could swear his heart is breaking his ribs. This was the most important part of the fostering process, and if they couldnât get approved, then this was all for nothing. Living together, getting so close, the whole fake relationship was a waste of time, and Danâs sanity.
âDan. Stop. Look at me.â Philâs voice is firm, and Dan looks to him with wide eyes, frantic. Phil brings his hand up to cup the back of Danâs head, his fingers brushing through the curls there gently. Dan swallows hard, the closeness and intensity of Philâs gaze making him nervous in a new way. âItâs okay. Everything thatâs happening right now, itâs all okay. Weâre going to be at Hazelâs office and sheâs going to take us to a room where there are people who are going to help us, okay? Theyâre not the enemy, you need to remember that. Theyâre doing their job to make sure that the best people are the people who get to foster, alright?â His words are quick and quiet, and Dan can only nod.
âWhat if we arenât those people?â He breathes, finally daring to let his fear out in the open.
Before he even has time to process it, Philâs pulling him closer, and Danâs heart rate spikes. He only pulls Dan against him, allowing the younger man to rest his head on his shoulder, his face pressed against Philâs long neck.
âYou canât think that, bear. You heard Hazel. She thinks weâre fantastic candidates. Do you honestly think sheâd let us get our hopes up if she thought that we wouldnât get approved?â Dan shakes his head slowly, and Phil presses a chaste kiss to his hair. âExactly. She wouldnât do that. So, this is all going to be fine. Just take a deep breath.â
For the rest of the ride, Dan does exactly that. He breathes slowly, feeling his nerves slowly calm down as Phil continues running a hand through his hair, soothing him with the motions. Dan even feels a bit silly when he feels a tear creep down his cheek, and he brushes it aside with a shaky laugh. When they pull up to the building, Phil pays the driver and tugs Danâs hand to get him out of the car. They walk in with their hands intertwined, and the contact is incredibly grounding for Dan.
Hazel meets them at the front desk, a bright smile on her face. âWonderful, youâre here! Shall we go then?â
Phil gazes at Dan, squeezing his hand reassuringly before nodding to Hazel. âWeâre ready.â
And as they follow Hazel back to a room where the fate of their foster carer status will be decided, Dan isnât sure that heâs ever been ready for this at all.
---
Five days.
It takes five painstakingly long days after the panel meeting for Dan to get the call.
Five days of anxiously chewing his lips to the point of bleeding, prompting Phil to have an intervention. He buys Dan several packs of gum and keeps an eye on him, ensuring that heâs chewing on that instead of destroying the skin on his lips even more.
Five days of pacing the flat every evening after work, worries flooding his mind, often late into the night. The third night of this, Phil gets up, finally tired of the noise, and drags Dan back to bed, spooning him the minute theyâre back under the duvet. Danâs certain that Philâs tight grip on him is only to ensure he wonât get up and start pacing again, but he blushes furiously as Phil drifts off to sleep, his grip loosening around Danâs waist.
When his phone finally rings on Monday evening, heâs almost frozen by the sound, staring at his phone as if itâs going to catch flames.
âAre you going to answer it?â Phil asks gently from his spot beside Dan. They were sitting on the couch, trying to watch an anime, although Dan had been lost since they started watching, his thoughts too messy to focus on the show.
He shakes his head emphatically, his eyes pleading when he looks to Phil. The older man takes the initiative immediately, sliding his thumb across the screen before putting it on speaker. âHello?â
A womanâs voice answers, and she doesnât sound like sheâs preparing to deliver bad news, which Dan takes as a good sign. âIs this Mr. Howell or Mr. Lester?â She asks.
âYes, this is Mr. Lester,â Phil responds, glancing over at Dan. He frowns, lifting his hand up and gripping Danâs chin softly, his thumb brushing over his lips. Dan hadnât realized it when he drew his bottom lip into his mouth, but now that Phil was pressing the pad of his thumb against them, he quickly released it from his teeth, smiling sheepishly. Phil drops his hand, leaving it resting on Danâs knee.
âGreat! This is Maria, from Bridging the Gap Fostering. Iâm calling about the panel decision.â Her words bring a new wave of nerves to Dan, and he doesnât even think before he reaches for Philâs hand, intertwining their fingers and squeezing hard.
Phil mirrors the gesture, staring at Dan as he responds. âRight. Whatâs the decision?â
Dan feels like heâs in one of those terrible dramatic movies where thereâs the long, dramatic pause before news is delivered, and his stomach is twisting. He has no clue why this lady seems to take so long to respond, but maybe heâs only being dramatic because heâs so nervous for the answer. Either way, he waits, holding his breath, for her response.
âWell, the board was very impressed with your application,â she begins. Phil squeezes his hand harder then, a smile tugging at his lips. âAnd Iâm very pleased to tell you that youâve been approved. There will be a foster carer agreement sent to the address youâve given us, and after thatâŠâ She continues speaking, but Dan isnât listening anymore.
The words âyouâve been approvedâ are bouncing around in his head, and he can barely contain his relief and excitement. It takes every ounce of his willpower not to immediately pounce on Phil for a hug, but the older man is actually listening to her words, which is probably good, since itâs probably very important.
âYes. Alright. We will. Thank you so much. Goodbye.â Philâs got a grin on his face as he hangs up and places the phone on the coffee table.
They exchange a look, and before Dan can even think better of it, heâs scrambling over to Phil, throwing his arms around him. âWe got approved!â He shouts, likely blowing Philâs ears off due to their proximity.
âWe got approved,â Phil cackles, tightening his arms around Dan.
âOh my god.â Dan sits back after a second, his cheeks a little warm when Phil smiles fondly at him. âI⊠I canât believe we got approved. We got approved. We actually got approved.â
âI know, Dan, I was here!â Phil laughs, shoving Danâs knee gently.
Theyâre both just sat there smiling like idiots for a moment before Dan shakes his head, leaning back on the couch and staring at the ceiling. He was so relieved it was as if he was coming down from some adrenaline high. âWeâre going to do it, Phil. Weâre actually going to get to be foster parents.â
He feels Phil bump his shoulder and turns to see Philâs grin, his tongue between his teeth in that endearing way that he has. âWe certainly are. Dominoâs to celebrate?â Heâs got his laptop already open, and Dan canât help the grin that works its way onto his face. He was so happy, so relieved, that they were actually going to do this.
âDominoâs!â he cheers, leaning his head on Philâs shoulder as he watches him order.
And for the first time in a long time, everything feels blissfully uncomplicated.
#phan#phanfiction#foster parent au#foster parent#bbc producer!phil#student counselor!dan#parent!phan#parent!au#friends to lovers#best friends#bed sharing#fake relationship#i swear the children are going to show up eventually i promise im not parent!phan baiting on purpose#fluff#angst
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
too high (canât come down) by @danfanciesphil
Suspending himself 7,000 feet above the rest of the world seems likely to be a sure-fire way for Dan to escape normality, and isolate himself for the foreseeable future. The Secret of the Alps, a small hotel tucked into the side of the Swiss mountains is too niche for most avid adventurers to have heard of, making it the perfect place for Dan to work as he sorts through his problems. Unfortunately, privacy is a coveted thing, and as Dan soon finds out, the hotel harbours one guest who values it more than most.
Rating: Explicit Tags: Enemies to lovers, snow, mountains, skiing, hostility, slow burn, secrecy, longing, repression, nobility, classism, cheating, eventual sex
Ao3 Link
Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
**dedicated to @lilchupacabragirl whom it is my mission to smother in love and affection**
Itâs 4 oâclock, and Dan is so tired he can barely think straight; he has no idea how heâs going to get through the rest of his shift. He wishes he could blame Phil for keeping him up so late, but Dan thinks he might have literally kicked Phil in the balls if heâd tried to go to sleep at a reasonable hour after making Dan wait all day for an insinuated ravishing.
Everyone is still in the mezzanine lounge, though the press conference ended abruptly after Nikolaiâs little tumble. Phil and Nikolai are now sat at separate but adjacent tables, both surrounded by their own herd of grey-suited people, all of whom are muttering things at the men with severe expressions on their faces. On the tables are a smattering of official-looking papers, and, on Nikolaiâs table, a jewellery box that Dan assumes contains that massive fucking diamond ring.
Martyn is beside Dan, at the edge of the room leant against the wood-panelled wall, observing. His arms are wrapped around his middle as he watches the grey-suits list their terms and stipulations, jabbing at the papers to tell Phil and Nikolai where to sign. Another two minutes go by and Martyn shifts from foot to foot, sighing impatiently. Dan doesnât blame him; this has been going on for hours. Apparently divorce is not a simple procedure.
As Dan is about to feign needing to pee just for something to do, he notices someone winding their way through the crowd towards them. Itâs Cornelia, in a big patterned jumper and ugly plaid school skirt, somehow looking like she both rolled through a charity shop and then ran down a fashion show runway. Atop her nest of vibrant red hair are two John Lennon-style coloured spectacles in a light yellow.
At the sight of her, Martyn freezes, pushing off the wall to stand straighter. âSo,â Cornelia says in a low voice, eyeing Martyn with a smug smile. âYouâve come crawling back.â
Martynâs looking rather flustered, if Danâs not mistaken. âCorndog,â Martyn manages to spit out. She scowls at him, obviously disliking the nickname. âStill changing nappies for the Royal Toddler, I see.â
âLeast I have the balls to stick it out,â Cornelia fires back.Â
Danâs starting to feel uneasy; thereâs something rather worryingly familiar about this heated exchange.
Martyn takes a step towards her, brow creased. âYou used to say you wanted to leave with me. Iâm not sure chickening out of your word counts as âballsyâ.â
At the sight of Corneliaâs incensed responding expression, Dan jumps in, sensing something - though heâs not sure what - is about to kick off.Â
âHi, Cornelia,â he says quickly.Â
She turns to Dan, deflating, seeming to notice him for the first time. âOh. Hi, Dan. Howâve you been?â
âUm, y-yeah, fine thanks,â Dan replies, eyes flitting to Martyn, who is now turning his face away and tutting, rather like a bratty kid.
âI see youâve met my arch nemesis,â she says, but if Danâs not mistaken, thereâs a smile hidden beneath her words.
âDonât flatter yourself, Corndog,â Martyn scoffs, though now his mouth is twitching in a smile as well. âRun along, then. Donât you have a posh twat to fawn over?â
Cornelia grins, then takes a step into Martynâs personal bubble. Itâs such an abrupt, intimate move that Dan almost looks away, sure heâs about to witness something inappropriate.
âMissed you too, Martian,â she murmurs, sending a very deliberate look towards his mouth; sheâs a full foot shorter than Martyn, but something about her bold, confident stance as she looks up into his face, unblinking, exudes intimidation.Â
She steps away, nodding quickly at Dan before heading back towards Nikolai, phone already pressed to her ear. Dan turns to Martyn, eyebrows halfway up his forehead.
âErrâŠâ
âLook, Dan, letâs make a deal,â Martyn says gruffly, though his cheeks are a deep pink. âYou keep shtum about that... ill-advised quasi-affair of the past...â He clears his throat, eyes fixed on Cornelia. â...and I wonât bring up your little tryst with my married brother. Cool?âÂ
Danâs head whips towards him so fast he thinks he might sprain a neck muscle. âExcuse me?â
Gluey and reluctant, Martynâs gaze slides to him. âI know, Dan.â
Danâs eyes widen, and he stumbles in his haste to back up from the conversation. âWhat?! Donât be- Iâm not-â Martyn says nothing, simply maintains his weary stare. Dan's been through enough Lester-arguments to know when to admit defeat. âHow did you know?â
Martyn snorts, as if the question is absurd. âI can only assume the thin oxygen is making everyone else thick, because to me itâs glaringly obvious. Youâre just his type, for one - dimples, curls, adorable, funny without meaning to be - not to mention he hasnât shut up about you since I got within earshot. âLetâs go where Dan canât hearâ, âthat reminds me of something Dan saidâ, âcan we try and make sure Nikolai doesnât talk to Danâ, blah blah blah, Dan, Dan, Dan.â
The information stuffs itself through Danâs ear canal in a great flurry, meaning it takes a while to wriggle into Danâs brain. As Martynâs snippets of Philâs psyche pile up, they begin pressing on the backs of Danâs eyes, creating a throbbing ache. It doesnât make sense. Why would Phil be prattling on about Dan right now? Heâs got so much else to deal with; surely thoughts of Dan are on the back burner.
âSo he⊠told you about us?â Dan asks, feeling about ten centimetres tall.
âNot exactly.â Martyn looks to where Phil is currently signing something with what looks like deliberate slowness, presumably to piss the grey-suits off. âBut he said heâs having feelings for someone who isnât Nik, and no offence Dan, but thereâs not a lot of options for him up here apart from the nervous, skinny kid that looks at him like heâs Jesus risen.â
Dan opens his mouth to argue, but realises he has no points to make. He shuts it again with a snap, and turns back to stare at Phil. âYou and Cornelia⊠that didnât work out, Iâm assuming.â
Martyn stiffens just a bit, obviously not expecting the question. He doesnât reply for a while, and Dan wonders if he might have crossed a line. âPeople like her⊠they tend to see people like me through dollar-green tinted spectacles.â Â
âIâm sure thatâs a clever metaphor and all, but could you spell it out for me? Like I said, Iâm a uni drop-out,â Dan replies, rubbing his temples to try and ease the headache.
âYou need to stop belittling yourself,â Martyn says, sternly. âUni doesnât make intelligence, itâs just a place people go to develop it.â
Dan says nothing, simply sighing and folding his arms like heâs not going to go and ruminate on that statement for several hours.
âCorn hates her job, but she gets a shitload for it,â Martyn says eventually. âShe acts like she wants to give it up, to stick her finger up at Nikolai and do something more worthwhile, but itâs all in her head. She likes the lifestyle too much. She wonât give it up for someone like me.â
Something insistent is tugging hard at the veins leading from Danâs heart; he pictures a growling puppy, intent on a new chew toy. His hand moves to rub at the spot on his chest, beneath which he can feel his heart beating.Â
âYou donât know that for sure,â Dan says stubbornly, âmaybe if youâd stuck around for long enough to let her decide, she wouldâve chosen you.â
Dan can feel Martynâs sympathetic stare boring into him. âYeah. Maybe.â
To steer away from this horrendous conversation, Dan clears his throat, straightening up and nodding towards Phil and Nikolai. âLooks like it might be coming to an end.â
âThank the Lord. Poor Phil, heâs so done.â
âHeâs had to do too much of this, Iâd imagine,â Dan says, and Martyn nods emphatically.
âYouâve no idea. Still, once he gets out of this place heâll be able to get some normalcy back.â
At first, the sentence only skims over Danâs skin, barely grazing him. Heâs too focused on Philâs deep frown line, worried about how all this will age him before his time. And then he replays Martynâs breezy statement, letting it sink into his flesh.
âGets out of this place?â Dan repeats, slowly.
Martyn glances across at him. âYeah. Yâknow, once the divorce is finalised.â Dan doesnât bother to stop the confusion from furrowing his brow. Heâs already established several times that heâs not the brightest bulb, once more wonât hurt. âYou didnât think he was gonna stay in this hotel once he finally shakes Nikolai, did you? He wonât be able to afford that massive suite anymore for one thing. Plus, no offence but thereâs not a whole lot on offer up here for an unmarried, uneducated twenty-six-year-old, yâknow?â
Of course, Dan thinks, the anxiety-worms crawling up his arms, Philâs going to leave.Â
He has no right to be surprised; itâs the most obvious thing in the world. Phil hates it up here, heâs never been shy about expressing that. Dan has sat and listened to him whine about his circumstances multiple times, heard him complain that Dan threw away his freedom and that heâd do anything to have what Dan gave up. Dan should have seen this coming a mile off. Itâs as obvious as a huge snowball would be, were he to look out of the window and see one barrelling towards him. But he didnât see it coming. And now, stupidly, he feels like heâs about to cry.
âExcuse me,â Dan mutters to Martyn, and then scurries off before any dumb tears can leak out.
Heâs vaguely aware that several people are watching him go, but he ignores them all, focused on his destination, back to the Fitzgeralds room which heâs left uncleaned, where he can lock himself away for a while and cry in private, as heâs so used to doing in this place.
*
When Dan opens the door to the Fitzgeralds room, their teenage daughter is sitting on her bed.
âOh! Iâm sorry,â Dan says, flustered, âI thought you and your parents were still downstairs, Iâll leave you-â
He stops abruptly, noticing the sheer panic on her face. Sheâs frozen, her laptop open in front of her, and beside that, a Louis Vuitton bag that Dan has definitely seen before, and definitely not in her hands. A voice is coming from her laptop speaker, slightly tinny and distorted, but familiar nonetheless. As the silence settles between them, Dan is able to pick out words. Bizarrely, the voice sounds just like his mother.
â...is this as bright of a decision as dropping out of university, or breaking up with your lovely girlfriend, or running away to scrub toilets up a mountain?! What on earth are you thinking, you daft-â
âI love him!â
An invisible punch lands itself squarely in the centre of Danâs chest, winding him. Heâd know his own annoying voice anywhere.Â
âHow did youâŠwhat is this?âÂ
The sound of Danâs actual voice seems to jolt her into animation. She scrambles for the laptop, clumsy in her attempt to shut off the recording.
âI- I mean, I care about him. I donât- I donât know why I said- forget that. But I do care.â
As he listens to his own pathetic attempt to backtrack over his blurted love confession, Danâs horrified gaze lands back on the Louis Vuitton bag, finally recognising it.Â
âThatâs Philâs,â he whispers, bewildered.Â
The Fitzgerald girl is jabbing at various keys, but the recording continues playing; Dan slumps against the doorframe.
âHis marriage is toxic, Mum. If you knew the truth, if the rest of the world knew - if Vanessa and Derren knew what Nikolai was like-â
As a last resort, she slams the lid of her laptop closed, bright red in the face, eyes fixed on Dan in alarm. âListen,â she garbles, âthereâs a journalism Code of Conduct, and I read it cover to cover, and as long as Iâm not harming anyone Iâm allowed to report on things I see-â
âYou,â Dan says, weakly. âYouâre the leak.â
âIâm undercover,â she corrects, sitting up straight and tucking her blue hair behind her ears. Her cheeks are stained pink, but she juts her chin out nonetheless in an attempt at assertion. âIâm a reporter in training. I run a blog about Niky.â
âNiky?â Dan repeats, already revolted.
âItâs called The Renegade Royal,â she says proudly. âI came up with that. Itâs clever, isnât it?â
In lieu of answering that absurd question, Dan gathers himself together, and stalks over to the bed. She flinches; Dan rolls his eyes, hands coming up in front of him to show heâs about as scary as a snowflake. He grabs the Louis Vuitton bag by the handles and with a quick glance inside - bundled up ski-skins, sunglasses, a small bottle of sunscreen, some sugar packets - he confirms that yes, this is Phil Novokoricâs bag.Â
âFor Godâs- reporters donât steal peopleâs personal belongings,â Dan scolds, zipping the bag shut. âThatâs super illegal.â
She blanches at the word âillegalâ, seeming to deflate slightly, but she puffs herself back up pretty quick. âUh, he deserves it. Heâs breaking his marriage vows! With you, I might add.â
She folds her arms across her chest, her wrinkled nose and sneer adequately expressing her feelings over Philâs decision to pass up Nikolai for someone like Dan, even on a circumstantial basis.
âSo you steal his stuff?â Dan asks, feeling his hackles rise. âBug the room and record me having a private call with my mum?â
Again, the girl flinches, guilt flashing across her features. âW-well, I didnât know youâd call her, did I? I was just trying to catch you and him in the act somewhere. Thereâs other recording devices, obviously, in other places-â
âWhat?!â
She fidgets. âMaybe I shouldnât have said that.â
âFor Christâs sake!â Danâs legs buckle, and he sits heavily on the edge of the bed, making her scuttle backwards in alarm. Dan puts his head in his hands. âCould this get any more complicated?â
She makes a face. âUh, youâre not, like, crying are you?â
Dan lifts his head, sighing heavily, then fixes the girl with a steely gaze. âDid your parents put you up to this?â
She snorts. âGod, no. Have you met my parents? Theyâre halfwits. They keep saying theyâre gonna âsell their storyâ to the paper, but they donât have a clue how, or even have anything worth selling.â
âRight,â Dan says, ignoring all her horrible words, about her own parents no less, âtheyâre not behind this, which makes you the sole crook. I suggest, if you donât want me telling your mum and dad, the manager of the hotel, Phil, Nikolai, a bunch of real journalists, and some scary-looking lawyers that youâre a sneaky little spy, creeping around recording everyone in their private rooms, that you tell me your name, and show me this awful blog of yours.â
She stares at him dumbly, her defiance melting away. Her arms slacken, and she loses the tension in her body, mind obviously reeling. âM-my parents? And- and Niky?â
âOh, and the police of course,â Dan tacks on for emphasis, patting the Louis Vuitton bag in his lap. âTheyâll want to know where this designer bag Philâs been looking for went.â
She eyes the bag like itâs transformed into a gaggle of writhing snakes. âHannah!â she cries, suddenly panicked, then scrambles for her laptop. âMy nameâs Hannah Fitzgerald, Iâm sixteen, Iâm from Durham, England. Please donât report me- look, hereâs my blog, I havenât even shared anything that bad yet, see?â
Dan reaches for the laptop, but she resists him actually taking it out of her hands; for a few seconds, they have a small, silent tug of war, and then Dan relents, because what on Earth is he doing trying to wrestle a computer off a sixteen-year-old? Instead, he peers at the screen while she holds it, and under the watch of her beady, panicked eye, scrolls down her blog with the trackpad.
Mostly, itâs just photos of Nikolai. A few glamour shots, of his shirtless form in black and white, holding some kind of big feathered fan. A few paparazzi photos, of Nikolai in Gucci sunglasses and Supreme hoodies, sipping Starbucks as he walks through the streets of New York or Paris or Mumbai.
The two most recent posts consist of long, rambly chunks of text where Hannah has obviously realised her lucky situation, being in the same hotel as Phil Novokoric, and gone to scream about it in caps lock on Tumblr. Dan doesnât miss that the post has over twenty-thousand notes.
One of the posts, from just yesterday, is entitled âUpdate One: More Coming Soon!â. Dan clicks this one, steeling himself for the worst. It reads:
âSO Iâve been up in the Alps with you-know-who >:( for a whole two days now - eeeek! I have seen and heard a LOT, and am planning on sharing with you all once I get everything together. ATM Iâm working on getting some ~juicier~ evidence, but I can confirm that Philip âgrumpfaceâ Lester (I famously refuse to acknowledge him as a true Novokoric, see my FAQ) is **CHEATING!!!!** on Nikolai!!!! I have seen it with my own two eyes. Iâve already been in touch with The Sun, The Star, The Daily Mirror, and The Daily Mail, as well as Perez Hilton, The T (the drama YouTube channel) and a few other big Nikolai blogs.â
Danâs eyes flutter closed, and he forces himself to breathe deeply, so he wonât yell at this literal child for being such an ignorant demon. When he reopens them, sheâs watching him nervously, but makes no move to take the laptop away.
âAll the mags and papers say they need âevidenceâ (photos, audio clips, vids, etc) so Iâve been working on collecting some. Stay tuned for my next update, I have sooooo much to show and tell you all. I always said Phil was wrong for Niky (as most of you know haha) and I guess I was right!! Dw guys Iâm not gonna let him mess our boy about <3 For now⊠hereâs some sneaky preview pics ;) Follow me on Tumblr, Twitter and Insta for the next update x
Hannah F <3â
When he gets to the end, Dan feels nauseous. He scrolls down, and there are three images. One is from yesterday morning, right after Phil had phoned Nikolai and told him it was completely over. In the photo, Phil is sat at the table in the mezzanine lounge, and Dan is leaning into his space, hands planted on the table beside Philâs mug of coffee. Phil is smiling serenely at him, but Danâs face is obscured by the angle. He tries to remember what he was saying in the moment. Something like âyou dick-brainâ, probably.
The next photo is of Phil tucking a tiny green umbrella behind Danâs ear. Philâs forearm, reaching to place the umbrella, is blocking Danâs face again.
The final photo is taken from above, over the lip of the mezzanine, and Dan remembers it vividly. Dan is serving guests at the front desk, and Phil is beside him, hand placed on his arm, standing way too close. Danâs staring into those ridiculously blue eyes, and even though the high angle means his expression is out of view, Dan can feel, somehow, the mesmerism radiating from his body language alone. How embarrassing.Â
âYou canât even see your face in those pics,â Hannah points out, like that makes it okay.
Dan huffs a strained sigh, straightening up. âI assume thatâs because you were planning some huge reveal of my identity in your next post?â
Hannah shifts uncomfortably. âMy followers have a right to-â Dan just glares at her, hard, and she shuts up. âIâll delete them all. Iâll tell them I was lying. Please donât report me, I canât be arrested for this-â
âDelete it all now,â Dan says, not fucking about anymore. âIn front of me. The recordings too.â
Hannah nods quickly, gulping, and turns the laptop to face her. Dan shuffles up the bed to sit beside her, intending to make sure she bleaches her hard drive clean of every last scrap.
*
Dan closes the door of Monaâs office behind him, eyes prickling. His conversation with Mona had gone even worse than heâd expected it to. It was the only option, he tells himself for the hundredth time. The stress of this whole situation is entirely too much; the anxiety worms have begun gnawing holes through his skin, which was never very thick to begin with. Hannah was a manageable example of what Dan can foresee being a worsening problem if he continues down the current path.
For now, he pushes his conversation with Mona to the back of his mind, intending to pull it out again later, in bed, when he has time to pick it apart. Dan picks up the Louis Vuitton bag heâd hidden just out of sight behind a decorative fake plant in the lobby, and heads for the stairs. On his way down here from the Fitzgeralds room, heâd managed to sneak through the crowd of people still gathered in the lobby without being seen; as he attempts to do the same now on his way back through, he notes that neither Phil nor Nikolai are amongst the gaggle of people still grouped around tables and slumped in beanbags.
It probably means nothing, Dan tells himself sternly, and keeps his head down, avoiding eye contact with anyone on his way to the stairs. He jogs up to the top floor, surprised at his ability to do this with minimal exertion - he must be getting used to the journey - and goes straight to Philâs door. Not bothering to knock, Dan lets himself in, determined to have this out as quickly and as painlessly as possible.
âI have your bag,â Dan announces, marching straight into the room. He turns to face the figure lounging on the bed, mouth open to address Phil. Abruptly, he snaps it shut again when he takes in the sight of Nikolai Novokoric smirking back at him, hands folded in his lap. âOh,â Dan says, blood pooling in his cheeks. âS-sorry, Sir. I just⊠Iâm returning Mister Nov-â Nope. âYour hus-â Nope. âUm, Philâs bag.â
Dan holds it up for Nikolai to see. âNothing untoward going on hereâ, Dan imagines puppeting the bag to say. Resisting this strange urge, Dan instead places the bag gently down on a chair, and turns, heart thumping, to leave.
âSay, Dan, is it?â Nikolai asks breezily.
Shit. Dan turns, smile straining. âThatâs right. Did you need something?â
Nikolaiâs cool gaze washes over him, head to toe. âHow about a chat?â
He scoots to the edge of the bed, then pats the space beside him. Dan really and truly does not want to go and seat himself beside this despicable man for âa chatâ, especially not on the bed heâd rolled around on for hours with Phil last night, but he canât think of a viable excuse not to. So, he drags himself over and gingerly perches on the edge, leaving as much space between them as he can get away with.
For an excruciatingly long moment, Nikolai says nothing. He simply aims a calm, diamond-hard half-smile at Dan, his grey eyes tracking every inch of his face for some unknowable trait.Â
âSo,â he says at last. âYouâre fucking my husband.â Danâs mouth drops open, instantly aflame, and Nikolai laughs. âGosh, would you look at that blush. You are cute, arenât you? I can see how easy it would be to snap you up.â
âI- I donât know what youâve heard, but-â
âOh, please,â Nikolai interrupts, snorting. âSpare me the terrible attempt at denial. Someone gave Philip an impressively deep love bite - it wasnât me, and I can say with relative surety that it wasnât that large, clumsy Swiss mountain goat herd, or the Northern chap with the shrill wife and bacon bits in his beard. That leaves just one other member of the male-identifying species that could have done it - Philip is such a stickler about being exclusively into boys, it really is so tiresome.â
Dan is too terrified to be offended by Nikolaiâs countless forays into non-PC territory. He watches, eyes wide and panicked, as Nikolai crosses his legs in a sigh, then leans back on his hands, still keeping Dan caught in the crosshairs of his steely gaze.
âOh, for goodness sake, thereâs no need to look so petrified,â Nikolai says with an accompanying eye roll. âI canât publicly accuse Philip of adultery with anyone without answering to a hundred far more substantial accusations of cheating myself. I suppose Iâm just surprised he had the balls.â
Dan swallows, glancing around the room in case heâs missed Phil being in here somewhere, possibly tied up and unable to voice his muffled screams.Â
âW-we didnât mean for it to happen,â Dan finds himself saying, mostly in an attempt to stall until he can think of a plan. Or an escape route. âWe just sort of... couldnât stay away from each other.âÂ
Nikolai snorts with laughter again. âYes, Iâm sure thatâs what he told you.â
Confused, Dan flips this statement over in his mind several times, but finds he still cannot comprehend it. âWhat do you mean?â
âOh, Dan,â Nikolai says in a very punchable, patronising way; he places a gentle hand on Danâs shoulder, one that Dan feels immediately burning through his shirt material. Dan shifts, trying to express his discomfort, but Nikolai makes no move to remove it. âYou poor cherub. You donât truly believe that Philip is interested in you, do you?â
Dan says nothing, but inside, his muscles contract, squeezing his organs into a big, pulsating jumble. Nikolaiâs expression turns to pity, and Dan feels suddenly as if he needs to sprint far away, down the mountain, and never return.
âAll of this,â Nikolai says, gesturing to Danâs entire being, âis his way of getting back at me, sweetheart.â The vile endearment sticks to Dan like a leech attaching itself to his skin. âItâs horribly cruel, to both of us, really. Philipâs got such a lot of buried anger in him.âÂ
Nikolai sighs, head shaking from side to side. Heâs changed since earlier, now wearing a high-necked, charcoal fleece, one that looks as though itâs been picked out of a new designer range of âwinter-wearâ. It gives him a severe, statuesque look, elongating his neck, sharpening his angles.Â
âIâm only telling you this to spare your feelings, you understand,â Nikolai continues gravely, gazing right into Danâs eyes, âfor months the manâs been desperate to get ârevengeâ on me, for whatever crimes heâs decided I committed during our marriage. Personally, I feel I was awfully good to him, considering the numerous diva tantrums I put up with, but even so. It appears he felt the need to hurt me, and he had no qualms about using an innocent member of staff to do it.â
Itâs not true, Danâs brain is screaming at him, but he canât quite let that placate him. Itâs a seductive thought, to gather all the hatred he feels for Nikolai, all of the awful things he knows Nikolai has done, and use them as evidence to back up the idea that Nikolai is simply lying. But once again, doubt creeps in; Dan just doesnât know Phil well enough to be sure. Nikolai has been married to the man. For years. Danâs known him a fraction of that time, and a great deal of it was spent arguing with him.
Nikolaiâs hand squeezes Danâs shoulder. âI can see this has all rather upset you,â he says, voice softer now, brushing Danâs eardrums like wisps of cotton. His hand slides, firm and gelatinous, down Danâs arm, coming to rest at his elbow. Dan looks down at it, bemused. âItâs simply dreadful, how Philipâs strung you along.â Nikolaiâs thumb moves in slow circles over the spot just inside of Danâs elbow. âIâd never have the heart to deface something so...â heâs leaning closer now, too close - oddly close. Dan cannot move, he feels as though heâs gone into shock, stunned into rigidity by the absurdity of the situation. â...pure,â Nikolai whispers, then presses his lips, gently, to Danâs cheek. âSo pretty,â he says, pressing a second kiss slightly lower. âSo enticing.â Â
Bile crawls up the inside of Danâs throat, stinging and acidic; heâs about to shove Nikolai, hard, not caring that it might count as treason or whatever, when he senses another presence in the room. Over the pounding of blood in his repulsed ears, Dan hears a raised voice, and then stomping. Nikolai is wrenched away from him, and then Phil is there, inexplicable and sudden, one fist bunched in Nikolaiâs high fleece collar, the other jabbing a pointed finger towards Dan.
Philâs mouth is flapping, tongue moving, and Dan only realises belatedly that the loud, angry noise he can hear is Philâs voice, yelling at Nikolai.Â
â...think you can just go around hitting on anyone! Just because theyâre too scared of you to move, does not mean they wanna fuck you, Nik,â he shouts.Â
Nikolai is gazing steadily back, that piteous sympathy wiped from his face, and in its place, a look of smug indifference. âSomeoneâs upset Iâm playing with their toy. Havenât you ever learned to share?â
âUgh, why are you even still here?! I spent all day signing papers to get you out of my life, so kindly fuck off,â Phil says, releasing him with a disgusted noise. He looks seconds away from wiping his hands on his jeans to clean them of cooties.
Nikolai sighs in surrender, getting to his feet. âNo need to shout, darling, I was only killing time while the pilot refuels.â Philâs teeth clamp together so hard that Dan hears a little âchitâ noise. Nikolai turns to Dan, lower lip jutting out in a mockery of his earlier expression. âSad to say our collusion will have to be postponed, Dan. Youâll have to settle for the far substandard skills of my former spouse.â He sidles right up to Phil, who goes rigid at once, and reaches up to pinch the shell of his ear. âHereâs a tip: when youâre hitting just the right spot, he loves a nibble right here.â
Phil wrenches away from Nikolaiâs touch, scowling. Nikolai laughs delightedly at this, whilst Dan finds that nauseous feeling getting worse. An awkward film coats the already tense atmosphere; of course, Nikolai picks up on it at once.
âGood God,â he cries, balking, eyes flicking between Dan and Phil, âdonât tell me you actually top in this little arrangement, Philip?â
âWould you fuck off? Iâd like to get on with never seeing you again,â Phil spits, and Nikolai lets out a last trill of laughter.
âWell this has been an informative day!â he says gleefully, but heâs already flouncing towards the exit, at last. âCiao then, darling. Lovely to get to know you a bit better, Dan.âÂ
He wanders through the open door, unhurried and carefree; the moment heâs out of sight, Danâs muscles scream in relief as they release their tension. And then, Nikolai ducks his head back through the doorway, making Dan seize up so fast he wonders how he didnât get a cramp.
âOh!â Nikolai says, blasĂ©, âand Phil, love, just so you know. I shall be making sure that you donât get a penny out of me past what youâve already been so graciously given. Hopefully next time youâll think twice before pissing off someone who loves you so dearly. Bye bye, now boys. Wish you all the happiness.â
He winks, one last enormously irritating time, and floats out of sight.
Devoid of Nikolaiâs massive presence, the suite seems large, dwarfing, and brimming with residual, undirected anger. Dan turns to Phil, still stood beside the bed, staring worriedly at the doorway Nikolai had disappeared through.
âAre you okay?â Dan asks, though his voice doesnât sound like itself.
He swallows, trying to clear his airway of the bile that surged up when Nikolaiâs damp, cold lips pushed into his skin. He can still feel their imprint, and it makes him want to go into Philâs bathroom, to slather his face with all the fancy exfoliators and toners heâs seen beside Philâs sink, and scrub the feeling away.
Philâs eyes swivel back to him, sharp and glinting with leftover fury. âHe kissed you.â
Danâs eyebrows raise. âOh, I meant about the money thing, but um. Yeah. He- he did. On the cheek. It happened so quickly, I couldnât stop him-â
Phil inches closer, then drops to his knees in front of Dan, those blue irises blazing. His hands land on Danâs knees, gripping hard. âHe kissed you,â Phil repeats, voice hard and cold. âI hate that. I hate that he got close enough to even try.â
Echoing through Danâs rapidly emptying mind are Nikolaiâs poisonous words:Â
You donât truly believe that Philip is interested in you, do you?
âYou care?â Dan asks, feeling the itch of his anxiety, and needing to obliterate the idea Nikolai planted, that Phil is just using him.
Philâs eyes darken even further; he looks utterly incensed. âOf course I care,â he grits out, fingertips digging into Danâs knees. âHe thinks he can just take whatever he wants, like a spoiled child, doesnât give a damn about what you might feel-â
âSo,â Dan interrupts, âyouâre upset because Nikolai is an entitled bitch. Because he acts without thinking, tries it on with anyone-â
Phil surges up then, climbing into Danâs lap so quickly that it knocks the air out of Danâs lungs. Suddenly, Philâs fingers are combing through his hair, their foreheads touching. Dan can see eons into the future, through the black holes in the centre of Philâs crystalline eyes.
âIâm upset,â Phil hisses, âbecause he thought he could lay a finger on you - when youâre mine.â
Dan chokes on something, the air maybe, but has no time to catch his breath. Whatever has been holding Phil back until this point snaps, and he tumbles forwards, lips catching Danâs in a hard, insistent kiss.
In the distant horizons of Danâs void-like mind, he can hear a voice telling him that this is not advisable behaviour, that thereâs a reason he should resist this, but he can barely hear it, let alone remember why itâs there. His hands skim over Philâs shoulders; as he feels the muscles shifting, lets his fingers settle into the grooves of Philâs spine, Dan groans, letting conscious thought wash away. It feels as if itâs been days since heâs had this, when in reality itâs been less than twenty-four hours. So much has happened in such a short space of time; what he wants, what he desperately needs, is a break, to not think for a while, to focus on physicality, and heat, and that delicious, burning twist of pleasure thatâs coiling in his gut.
âShow me,â Dan pleads, pulling Phil closer, âshow me Iâm yours.â
(Chapter Nineteen!)
48 notes
·
View notes
Text
Stubborn Love
Stubborn Love | Itâs Martyn who goes with Phil to pick out the ring, and itâs Martyn who watches Dan and Philâs stubbornness nearly cause the whole thing to blow up in their faces. Heâd complain if they werenât so obviously perfect for each other. | Outsider POV, Light Angst, Proposal Fic | 8,780 Words
This was intended to be a cute little drabble based on (this) prompt, but as I began to write it, the fic decided it wanted to be so much more. I really enjoyed creating a story from Martynâs POV in order to explain just how strong Dan and Philâs relationship really is. Thanks to @imnotinclinedtomaturity for 1. Encouraging me to write the fic, and 2. For editing for me as always. It wouldnât be as wonderful as it is without her help.
Fill for the @phandomficfests: bingo 2018, word prompt: Commitment.
(Ao3 Link)
**
âThis one,â Phil says, the awe in his voice unmistakeable.
The ring is all black, with a thin strip of black diamonds running through the middle. The outer edge of the thick band is ribbed with a gentle design thatâs almost silver, but not quite. The most fascinating aspect of the ring, however, is the way that Phil is looking at it.
Martynâs only ever seen that look on his brotherâs face one other time. Or, rather, in one other situation: everytime he looks at Dan.
Itâs kind of adorable, really. Normally, Martyn would rib on him for being so hopelessly in love, but he figures he can cut Phil a bit of slack today.
But only just a bit.
âYouâve hardly looked at the others,â Martyn teases, a grin pulling at the corners of his lips as he bumps his shoulder playfully into Philâs. âAnd itâs a bit simple. Danâs more edgy, isnât he?â he asks, side eyeing Phil knowingly.
But Phil just shakes his head without looking up from the ring. He doesnât say anything, he looks far too mesmerized by the soft black of the wedding band to defend Dan the way he normally would. Martyn can see the way his finger traces over the glass, as if trying to imagine what the ring would feel like pressed against his skin.
âWhat about this one, though?â Martyn asks anyway, pointing to a second ring that had caught his attention. It was black too, pretty similar but just a little fancier, with silver encasing the sides. âIsnât it a bit more Danâs style?â he wheedles, nudging Phil playfully again.
âNo, this is definitely the one,â Phil argues, his eyes barely flickering to the second one.
Itâs a declaration of such utter conviction that Martyn doesnât question him again. The teasing grin falls from his lips as he looks up, catches the salespersonâs eye, and gestures them over. When he looks back, he studies Philâs face carefully: the delicate pull of his brows downward, the determination pinching at his lips.
And he smiles, because he knows that look, too.
Itâs the look Phil always gets when he makes up his mind about something. Itâs the look heâd had when heâd told Martyn heâd fallen in love with the kid on the other side of the computer screen; itâs the look heâd had when heâd told Martyn he was moving in with Dan; itâs the look heâd had when heâd told Martyn he was going to ask Dan to marry him.
So itâs definitely the right ring.
Only itâs not the right size.
As the saleslady slips it free from the display case and hands it over for Phil to examine up close, Martyn can already tell that itâs not going to fit Dan. Itâs absolutely massive, and despite the fact that Dan has pretty big hands - a conversation Martyn never wants to have with his brother ever again - even Martyn can tell itâs too big.
Phil tries to slide it over his ring finger anyway, and then his middle, index, and thumb, but on each consecutive finger, the ring continues to slide down Philâs skin with no resistance. Martyn can see that his lips are pursed, even more tensely than earlier. This isnât a look of determination anymore - this is a look of distress.
Martyn looks back at the saleslady and asks the question Phil clearly isnât able to ask just then.
âDo you have this style in any other sizes?â
âOne second,â she replies, and moves under the counter again, pulling free the little box the ring had sat in. Martyn watches hopefully as she glances at the bottom of the box, where he assumes information about stock must sit, but from the corner of his eye he can see Phil continuing to check out the ring. He runs his fingers over the dark metal, the little black stones, and his face absolutely melts.
The saleslady clears her throat.
âUnfortunately thatâs currently the only ring in that style we have on hand. We can send it to be resized though. Where you looking to size up or down?â she asks sweetly.
Phil doesnât answer her question.
âMy boyfriendâs birthday is on June 11th. Can it be resized by then?â he asks instead, already worrying at his bottom lip, his eyes wide and pleading. Martyn rests his hand on Philâs shoulder reassuringly, doing his best to keep Phil from panicking.
The saleslady looks taken aback, like she wasnât expecting the question. She blinks rapidly a few times, clearly caught off guard.
âI - Iâm not sure. Iâd have to check. Would the pick up be in store, or -â
âIs it possible to have it shipped to the Isle of Man?â Phil blurts out, very obviously growing more and more nervous by the second. Martyn tugs on his shoulder a little, draws him into his side, and curls his whole arm across the plane of Philâs back.
âOf course,â the saleslady hastens to reply, only now she looks proper nervous. âIâm just not sure it could be done and arrive at your location by June 11th,â she admits. Sheâs staring at Phil sympathetically, but it looks almost forced. Martyn jostles Phil a little, convinces him to turn and look at Martyn instead.
âWe could try another style?â he suggests calmly, âMaybe look at just the ones that are in Danâs size?â
âNo!â Phil retaliates passionately. He yanks himself roughly away from Martynâs side, and turns to glare at him. âIt has to be this one!â he insists, his eyes fiery. His brows are pulled down, that familiar look of steadfast determination resting at his pursed lips, and Martyn sighs.
âAlright, okay,â he says in an attempt to placate his brother. âI get it, you want this one,â he reassures, turning back to face the saleslady. Her eyes are still wide, but at least she doesnât look mock-sympathetic anymore.
âYou can always come back to have it sized, sir. David Yurman does sizings at any store, no matter when the transaction was originally completed,â the saleslady explains, but Phil isnât really listening anymore. Heâs glaring down at the little - well, large - piece of metal resting in the palm of his hand as if staring at it hard enough will make it the right size.
Martyn just nods his head, because the suggestion is a fair enough one. Phil had invited Martyn along to be his moral support, to keep the salespeople from screwing him over, and to be the voice of reason in a moment such as this, so thatâs what heâs going to do. He reaches out to grasp at Philâs shoulder again, forcing his attention back onto Martyn.
Distressed blue eyes stare into his own. Martyn hates to see that look on his brotherâs face.
âIt doesnât have to be the perfect size right away,â Martyn reminds him calmly, seriously. âYou and Dan can come back and have it sized after his birthday,â he adds coaxingly.
âYou donât understand,â Phil huffs, the sound of his voice defeated. He drops his gaze, clearly unable to look at Martyn any longer, as his shoulders slump impossibly, all of the tension fleeing from them instantly. âIt has to be perfect. I want it to be perfect when he sees it.â
Martyn stares at his face, at the longing and the determination there, at the way Phil seems to have slumped into himself. He hates seeing Phil like this, but he also canât help feeling like Phil is being a little bit dramatic.
He sighs.
Phil might be in this thirties now, but heâs still the pouty little kid Martyn has always known him to be. Everything has to be perfect with Phil. Everything.
But then again, Phil is about to propose to the love of his life, so Martyn guesses he can understand. Martyn turns back to the saleslady, prepared to do whatever he can to fix this, to make it work, so that Philâs planâs arenât completely ruined.
âWhatâs the fastest you can have it ready by?â he asks, voice serious.
âThe turn around is 14 business days,â the saleslady rushes to reassure them, biting a glossy bottom lip, desperate not to lose this sale. âI can put a rush order on it, but Iâm not sure -â
âIf moneyâs the issue, itâs not a problem,â Phil says, interrupting her, eyes dark and desperate. His palm closes around the ring, and he stares at her, imploring.
Martynâs fingers tighten on his brotherâs shoulder, and does his best not to roll his eyes. Itâs just like his brother to try and throw money at a problem in order to make it go away - anything to avoid having to deal with disappointment, to deal with his own problems in an actual adult way.
The saleslady looks upset, like she wishes she could give them better news, but knows that she canât. Martyn just wants to calm his brother down, just wants to find the fastest way possible to get the ring sized for Danâs birthday.
âThe best I can do is make it a rush order, but you wanted it shipped to another location. Even with a rushed sizing, I canât promise itâll be there by June 11th.â
Phil looks devastated, but Martynâs just determined.
âPut the rush on it,â he agrees, taking over for his little brother. âWeâd really appreciate it if you could get it done any faster than 14 days.â Martyn offers the girl his most disarming, pleasant smile. âAnd if you could make the delivery a rushed one as well, thatâd be great.â
**
Itâs a family thing, the Isle of Man. Martyn never feels right coming here alone. Over the years their family has grown to include Cornelia, and then Dan, and it no longer feels right to come here without them, either.
Philâs blocked out a solid five days of his and Danâs schedule for this trip. Martyn knows this because he helped organize it for Phil. They arrive on the tenth, and donât plan to leave until the fifteenth.
Martyn doesnât want to imagine what Phil will do if the ring doesnât arrive by then. Heâs been party to Philâs tantrums for the better part of thirty years, and although Philâs gotten quite a bit better about not throwing things at other peopleâs heads, heâs still not exactly pleasant to be around when heâs mad.
Martyn canât imagine what Dan has to deal with back home, but if the way Dan still looks at Phil after ten years is anything to go by, Martynâs willing to bet Danâs more than happy to put up with it.
It makes him smile, and he curls his arm tighter around Corneliaâs shoulder, glad that he and his brother have both found someone willing to put up with them and all of their quirks. Martyn hasnât asked Cornelia to marry him yet, but itâs mostly because he doesnât feel like he needs to. To them, marriage is just a piece of paper. It doesnât define their relationship in anyway.
Itâs different for Phil; he likes to pretend that he isnât all that into romance, but he really, really is. Martyn knows that to Phil, asking Dan to marry him is the biggest and best gesture of âI love you,â that he can think of, and Martyn couldnât be prouder that his little brother is finally choosing to do just that.
**
Later, when he and Phil are alone in their mumâs kitchen, finishing up the after dinner dishes, Martyn bumps his shoulder and says, âIâm proud of you, you know.â
Phil turns and looks at him, confused. âFor what?â
But Martyn doesnât answer, because Danâs just in the other room with Cornelia, and he knows that Phil will figure it out.
**
On June 11th, they gather around the kitchen table to sing Dan happy birthday. Dan is all smiles, despite trying to pretend that he hates the attention, and he giggles at the silly little decorations Phil had insisted on sticking all over the homemade cake. As the song winds down, and Dan is instructed to blow out the candles, Martyn watches Dan glance over at Phil. His little brother is grinning gleefully - he always did love birthdays - and Dan is staring back at him fondly. His eyes speak volumes as he turns to âmake a wish.â
It's disgusting, and ridiculously sappy, but Martynâs grinning anyway.
Mum starts to cut the cake then, a handful of little dessert plates already stacked and waiting on the table to be handed around once theyâre filled. Dan turns to speak to Phil, but Phil is already there at his side, a dorky birthday boy ball cap in his hand. Dan squacks as Phil goes to wrestle it onto his head, the sound of Danâs high pitched, distraught voice filling the room.
Cornelia is laughing at all the fuss, and Martyn canât help but to join in.
âGet a room!â Martyn groans teasingly, the tone of his voice joking, hands cupped around his mouth to make his voice louder. Cornelia shoves him, laughing all the while, but this only urges Martyn on. He joins Dan and Phil at the front of the table, and pushes in between them, just to mess with them both. His hands come up to ruffle both Dan, and Philâs hair, and he laughs as Dan shouts in reproach.
âTwat!â Dan complains at the same time as Martyn knocks the birthday boy hat askew. Heâs smiling, batting playfully at Martynâs hand to push it away, but thatâs not what catches Martynâs attention. As Phil shouts âHey!â in complaint, and shoves back at Martyn playfully, Martyn watches Dan reach up and carefully pull the dorky birthday boy hat properly back onto the top of his head, despite all of his complaints otherwise.
âHey!â Phil complains as well, shoving Martyn back playfully, but Martyn isnât watching Phil.
Danâs not looking at anyone anymore, but heâs smiling this soft, secret smile to himself that Martyn isnât sure anyone else notices except him.
Martyn canât help staring, canât help noticing. Itâs ridiculous, how cute the action is. Five seconds ago Dan had been putting up a fuss about the hat, complaining that it was entirely too silly, and yet here he is fixing it back atop his head the moment it nearly falls away.
That small, secret smile speaks volumes about his feelings for Phil, and Martyn feels a bit of affection creeping over him. He canât believe someone can love his idiot of a brother this much.
The feeling of Phil playfully shoving him again not only knocks Martyn out of his thoughts, but knocks him off balance. He reaches out for Phil instinctively, pulling his brother along with him as he stumbles across the kitchen floor. He doesnât fall, but Phil does, and Martyn just manages to catch Phil awkwardly in his arms.
Martynâs laughing as Philâs gangly limbs wrap haphazardly around Martynâs middle in an attempt to catch himself, but he still collides painfully with Martynâs chest.
âIf you wanted a hug, you could have just asked,â Martyn teases breathlessly, not one to give up an opportunity such as this.
âShut up!â Phil groans, doing his best to drag himself out of Martynâs hold, but Martynâs not done with him yet.
âAwww, little brother. Iâm just teasing,â he jokes, his voice low. He reaches up to ruffle Philâs hair again, and Phil groans, immediately struggling against him. Martyn just wraps his other arm around Philâs shoulders, and drags him back in real close before Phil can get away. âCome here, give me a kiss!â
With loud, wet kissy noises, Martyn smacks his mouth all over Philâs face, laughing as Phil struggles against him, groaning and complaining all the while.
Eventually, Phil manages to tear himself out of Martynâs hold, but not before the entire room has started laughing with him. Martynâs still grinning when Phil finally rights himself and turns to glare at him. He chuckles when Phil punches him playfully in the shoulder, eyes darting over to catch Danâs reaction.
Itâs obvious heâs been watching the entire interaction just as much as the rest of their family has been, but unlike the rest of them who are smiling and laughing at witnessing such a familiar sibling interaction, Dan almost looks a little bit sad. Heâs smiling too, but his eyes are a little dim, and his lips a little downturned.
Martyn flashes back to all the times Phil would come downstairs in the morning, looking exhausted, only to tell Martyn another story about how Danâs family life wasnât so good. It makes Martynâs heart pang a little bit with the hurt for Dan, and he reaches out to pat his soon to be brother-in-law affectionately on the shoulder.
âDid you want a kiss too?â he teases, because he doesnât know how else to cheer the boy up. He puckers up his lips playfully, laughing when Danâs face twists up into a comical twist of disgust and amusement.
Phil shoves at him again.
âGet your own boyfriend!â he defends weakly, his voice high pitched. The sound is familiar, the same tone Phil has always has when he fights with Martyn, when he tries his best to come up with a witty come back, but the words just wonât come.
Martyn rolls his eyes in Corneliaâs direction, and sticks his tongue out at Phil.
âIf weâre all done rough housing,â Kath interrupts pointedly, humor lacing her voice, âDonât you think itâs time we settled down for cake?â
She doesnât bother waiting for a reaction. Instead, she begins passing out the little dessert plates, purposefully placing them down at each place setting decorating the family dining table despite the fact that no one is sitting down.
Martyn knows itâs her way of insisting that they all do.
The Lester clan are quick to comply, filling in the seats around the table. Danâs sat at the head of it all, still wearing the silly birthday boy cap that Phil had wrestled on top of his head, and heâs already dug into his rather large slice of cake.
âDid you bake this yourself, Kath?â he asks sweetly, voice soft, the way it always is when he talks to their mum. Martyn rolls his eyes to himself, but when he glances up to see Philâs reaction, he just looks ridiculously in love.
âWith a little help from Cornelia, while you and Phil were out for the day,â their mum admits, her smile shy. Dan is quick to compliment her, assuring her that itâs wonderful. Heâs absolutely gushing, and itâd be cute if Phil werenât making heart eyes at his boyfriend.
Martyn makes a gagging motion at Cornelia, who smacks him despite the smile on her face.
âHush up,â she insists. They both know that Cornelia used to behave the exact same way, only she gets to see Kath far more often than Dan currently does, so itâs no surprise sheâs grown a little out of the suck up stage.
As the conversation continues, Dan takes advantage of the moment to make a dig at Phil for the many adornments he must have added sometime after they got in for the night, and the table laughs at Philâs expense because thatâs what they do - they tease, and they joke, and they make fun of each other because thatâs something that only family gets to do.
Philâs cheeks are bright red, and he looks almost embarrassed, but mostly he just looks enamored.
As the six of them finish up the last few bites of their cake, Kath stands up with a great big smile and says, âIs it time for presents, then?â
The table erupts into an excited chorus of âyes!â as Kath leaves the room to fetch them. Itâs only a moment before she returns with two wrapped presents in her arms.
Martyn turns to Phil expectantly, wondering where his present is. Phil hadnât shown Martyn the backup present heâd gotten for Dan, and heâs excited to find out what it is, knowing all the while that nothing will be able to compete with the ring thatâs hopefully in the post and on its way here by now.
But when Martynâs gaze lands on Philâs face, he realizes that something is wrong. Very, very wrong.
All the blood has drained from his brotherâs face, and heâs biting his bottom lip hard, eyes wide and horrified. He wonât look at Martyn, he wonât look at Dan. He wonât look at anyone. Heâs staring in distracted horror at the far wall of the kitchen, while Martyn stares at him and Dan begins to unwrap the presents that have been set in front of him.
Phil didnât buy a back up present. Martyn can see it on his face. Phil didnât buy Dan a back up present, and now heâs going to have to face the look of disappointment that is bound to appear on Danâs face no matter what excuse Phil manages to come up with.
Unable to help it, Martyn finds himself desperately wanting to laugh. The idea of his brother coming up with the best birthday present possible for Dan, and yet unable to present it to him on his actual birthday, is almost too much. A part of Martyn feels horrible for Phil, who probably hadnât been able to think of a single thing that could even began to compare with a proposal, but mostly, Martyn just canât wait to see how Phil attempts to get himself out of this one.
Heâs eager, more eager then he should be, as Dan unwraps first his present from the Lesters (a new build-your-own terrarium), and then his present from Cornelia and Martyn (a board game called Munchkin that theyâll probably all play together sometime this vacation).
Finally, Dan turns to Phil expectantly, a wide, excited smile on his face, only to find Phil avoiding his gaze. Martyn watches gleefully as Danâs expression falls, confusion taking over. Phil looks like heâs literally dying, his face is so pale, and the way heâs biting his bottom lip makes it look like heâs going to bite straight through it. His entire body is turned away from Dan.
âPhil?â Dan asks, the confusion clear in his voice.
Phil swallows thickly, and finally turns so that heâs facing Dan. His expression is almost pleading, but when he opens his mouth to say something, nothing comes out.
Dan only seems to grow more concerned at this, only itâs not clear whether heâs upset or not. He just looks downright flustered, unable to comprehend whatâs going on, and why Phil looks as terrified as he currently does.
Their parents look confused as well, though they arenât speaking. It feels like a hush has fallen over the entire room. Cornelia is clutching at Martynâs leg under the table, and her gaze is boring into the side of his face, but Martyn doesnât look at her. He bites back his own grin, waiting, ready to watch the rest of the nightâs events unfold.
âI uh,â Phil finally manages, his voice high pitched. He clears his throat and tries again, âI might have - your gift is - well,â he scrambles, voice growing more and more squeaky as he goes on. Martyn stares at him gleefully, unable to hide his smile now. This whole moment is just too hilarious. Itâs just like Phil, to mess this up.
And while Martyn knows he probably shouldnât be laughing, Phil is his little brother, and he just canât help himself. Families tease, after all.
âI donât have it,â Phil finally finishes lamely, staring down at the palms of his hands miserably.
Martyn finally glances over to Dan, desperate to see his reaction - only itâs not quite what heâd been expecting.
Danâs always been kind of a chill guy. Martynâs seen him get ragey when they play board games together, seen him gnaw at a video game controller the same way Phil does. He knows that Danâs not a saint, but the expression on his face still somehow surprises him.
Martyn had been expecting a teasing grin, and a joke or two exchanged. Heâd been expecting Dan to wheedle some kind of information out of Phil, to push for Phil to tell him what heâd got for him, and why it wasnât here yet.
Instead, Dan just looks pissed the fuck off. His brows are all scrunched up, and heâs glaring at Phil with his arms crossed over his chest. It makes the muscles he has there bulge, a surprising feature Martyn hadnât been expecting, and something that almost lends a bit of menace to his stance. It doesnât matter that Martyn knows Dan wouldnât hurt a fly, the image is still there.
âPhil,â Dan asks, his voice steady. âDid you forget to get me something for my birthday again?â The words are cold, harsh despite their lack of intonation.
And oh, oh shit, thatâs why. Thatâs why Dan looks so pissed off. Thereâs no way Martyn could know the particulars of the time Phil had apparently forgotten, because Phil had never told him, but thereâs obviously something there that makes the moment a sore spot for the both of them. Martyn has never seen Dan look at his brother like this before.
Nor has he ever seen his brother look so ashamed.
The room has grown tense. Their parents are sat stock still, looking nervous, now. Corneliaâs hand has turned into a claw against Martynâs thigh. The air is thick with tension, and neither Dan nor Phil are looking at anyone else in the room.
âWell,â their mum finally says, clearing her throat awkwardly, and only seeming to add to the tension in the room. âI think maybe we ought to head to bed,â she adds, despite the fact that itâs hardly nine oâclock, and they usually take any excuse to have a family game night.
Her chair screeches loudly against the floor as she stands up, their dad following in her stead almost immediately. Martyn doesnât know what else to do but stand as well.
Neither Dan nor Phil acknowledge anything thatâs been said, though Phil winces at the loud sound of the chairs scratching against the floor.
Cornelia grabs tight to Martynâs hand, and begins to tug him out of the room.
âGoodnight, you two,â she states hastily, wincing at her own poor choice of words, and then, âAnd happy birthday again, Dan!â
A harsh sound, too small and subtle to identify, interrupts the quiet of the room, making the atmosphere somehow even darker than before. The four of them rush out of the dining room as quickly as they can.
They donât speak as they make their way to the upstairs landing and trail awkwardly into their rooms.
**
Martyn and Cornelia turn in early. While they lay in bed, Martyn quietly explains to Cornelia whatâs happened, and why Danâs present isnât here yet. Her eyes get a little wet, and she purses her lips without saying anything, but Martyn doesnât blame her. He doesnât know what to say either, other than that his brother is kind of a stubborn idiot.
Theyâre up by eight the next morning, still feeling a little off kilter after the strangeness of last night, and they head down the stairs together for breakfast.
They arenât expecting Phil to already be downstairs, looking disheveled where he sits on the recliner in front of the TV. Heâs nursing a mug of coffee, dressed in a loose pair of pajama bottoms and a baggy t-shirt.
Thereâs a pillow on the sofa, and Philâs left the blanket bunched up in the corner. Itâs clear he slept down here last night, and the dark shadows under his eyes make it clear that he didnât sleep very well either.
Martyn feels bad for him, he really does, and he pats Phil reassuringly on the shoulder as he passes him by. His brothers eyes flick up to him for a brief moment, but otherwise Phil doesnât really react. Instead, he curls his fingers tighter around his mug of coffee, and goes back to sipping at it quietly.
Martyn sighs, and wanders into the kitchen to make himself something to eat.
He settles on a bowl of cereal and a mug of coffee before he joins Phil back in the lounge, grabbing the TV remote while heâs at it. Phil doesnât look too bothered about the news, doesnât look like heâs paying any attention at all, so Martyn flips through the channels until he finds an early morning movie to put on.
It takes Cornelia a little longer to make herself breakfast - some eggs and avocado with toast that Martyn steals a bit of - and the three of them settle into the quiet of the morning. Thereâs a tense silence surrounding them for a little while, mostly coming from Phil and the tight way heâs curled into himself on the recliner, but eventually Martyn is able to get lost in the movie. His own shoulders untense, and he even finds himself laughing at the silly antics of the people on the screen.
âDan?â Phil suddenly says, breaking the quiet tension heâd been harboring for the last hour or so. âWhere are you going?â he continues. His voice is high with stress.
Martyn looks up, surprised at the sudden question. His arm is curled comfortably over Corneliaâs shoulder, and for a moment, last night hadnât seemed to matter. Danâs sudden appearance is admittedly a surprise, but more than that, the fact that he seems to be leaving takes Martyn off guard.
âTo the shops,â Dan replies, shrugging on a large jacket as he makes his way over to the front door.
Phil shoves himself out of the recliner, and stands, looking as if heâs going to rush to Danâs side and stop him from going anywhere. Martyn watches the way Phil restrains himself, watches the way he worries at his bottom lip, eyes pleading with Dan.
âWhat? Why? At 10 in the morning?â Phil asks, sounding desperate, rocking on the balls of his feet.
Martyn turns to stare at Dan again, takes in the dark circles under his eyes, and the anger brewing in his gaze. It seems clear that he hadnât slept well last night either, despite having the bed rather than the sofa. Martyn winces, trying to imagine how bad last time could have been for Dan to be this fucking angry over it.
Dan zips up his jacket and marches the last few steps towards the front door, all the while glaring at Phil.
âTo buy myself a present, because my boyfriend didnât bother to get me anything.â
Martyn winces at the harsh words, and finally looks away. He canât bear to watch this moment unfolding in front of him, canât bear to be witness to something neither male probably wants anyone else to be witness too. Suddenly, Martyn feels really bad for being downstairs, enjoying a stupid movie on the telly, when Dan and Phil are fighting.
Martyn has never seen them fight before, and he regrets that he has to see it now.
âDan,â Phil pleads. âI told you, itâs not like that,â he continues, trying to defend himself. Itâs clear that Dan isnât listening, though, because in the next few seconds, the sound of the front door opening and then slamming shut echoes through the room.
The sound of Phil falling back into the recliner is sharp, as is the deep, shuddery exhale that floods the room.
**
Cornelia is the first to leave the room. The tense atmosphere is back, and itâs almost suffocating. Itâs clear that Phil didnât want them to see that, clear that Phil is upset and wants to be alone, but he also looks to be frozen where he is on the recliner. Some part of Martyn wonders if Phil thinks it would be rude to excuse himself to the room he was supposed to share with Dan when Dan is so obviously upset with him.
He doesnât blame Cornelia for leaving, but it does leave Martyn a little unsure of himself. He ends up switching on another movie as the first one ends, sitting stiffly on the sofa while his brother stoically tries to hide his emotions away.
Eventually their parents come downstairs too, but while their dad heads out for a game of golf heâd promised some of the lads, their mum stops to give Phil a warm, sympathetic hug and a kiss on the cheek before heading into the kitchen.
Thereâs some delighted exclamations, and Martyn hears the word âbake,â being repeated a few times over. The girls have clearly found something enjoyable to do away from the tension in the lounge, and if Martyn werenât so cruddy at baking himself, heâd go and help them. As it is, he feels kind of stuck trying to cheer up his brother, who very clearly doesnât want to talk just then.
As the morning wears on, the smell of cookies begins to fill the house. Laughter bubbles from the kitchen, and the hum of family and joy finally feels prevalent. Itâs the way the Isle of Man is supposed to feel - but Phil is sat apart from it all, all clammed up and hiding what he really feels from the very people Phil should share it with.
Martynâs just about to get up and insist that he and his brother go for a walk, maybe have a nice talk, when the door finally opens again and Dan walks in holding a ton of shopping bags.
Both Martyn and Philâs heads snap up to stare at him, mouths gaping in surprise as Dan drops the bags carelessly at his feet before removing his jacket. Martyn can see Phil staring pleadingly at Dan, but Dan ignores him, avoiding his gaze. Once his jacket has been hung back up next to the front door, Dan picks the bags back up, and marches up the stairs with his spoils. The sound of a door slamming shut behind him echoes through the house loud enough that even the laughing girls in the kitchen fall silent for a moment.
The set of Philâs shoulders drops again, and he sighs loudly as he falls back against the recliner. Martyn hadnât even realized Phil had sat up straight until that exact moment, and he stares at Phil sadly as his brother closes his eyes, looking tired.
Itâs another fifteen minutes before Dan comes back downstairs, this time wearing an expensive looking designer sweater, and what appear to be a new pair of jeans. Philâs complained enough about Dan being a label whore for Martyn to guess what it is exactly that he went out and bought, and he finds himself feeling terribly for Philâs bank account.
Thereâs no doubt in his mind that Dan charged it all to Philâs credit card, and just after Phil had dropped a good two thousand pounds on Danâs engagement ring. Itâs a petty thing to do, especially considering whose card is used doesnât actually matter when they share everything as it is.
That will be quite the discussion once Phil shows Dan what his birthday present really is.
Without hesitating for even a split second, Dan walks straight into the kitchen with a bright smile on his face, and starts talking to Kath and Cornelia as if nothing is wrong. Martyn can hear the brightness in his voice even if he canât hear the words.
When he glances back at Philâs face, he looks all the more dejected for it all, and slowly slides deeper into the soft cushion of the recliner.
For a while, they sit in almost-silence. The movie Martyn had picked out earlier has begun to wind down, and itâs nearly over now. The kitchen is filled with the excited sounds of baking mixed with Danâs deep laugh, all while Phil sits and mopes in quiet pain over his fight with Dan.
Martynâs about ready to give it all up, and leave the room as well, when the doorbell suddenly rings. Surprised, both Martyn and Phil glance over at the door. As Martynâs gaze slowly falls back onto Phil, he notes how rigid Phil suddenly looks. Despite the obvious nerves, however, thereâs something hopeful brewing in Philâs eyes.
âPhil?â Kath calls after a beat, âCan you get that, love? I wasnât expecting anyone,â she explains, sounding as bewildered as Martyn imagines she must feel. Martyn canât tear his eyes away from Phil, though, from the stuttered way he launches himself out of the recliner and stands on shaky feet. Finally, finally, Martyn feels like grinning again, and he watches as Phil stumbles towards the front door.
âY-Yeah, Iâve go-got it!â Phil stutters back loudly, the nerves clear in the way his hands shake as he finally makes it to the door and reaches up to fumble with the doorknob. Turning completely in his seat on the sofa, Martyn watches with greedy eyes as the door comes open.
Unsurprisingly, the postman is stood on the other side of the door. Martynâs grin only grows larger.
âIs there a Philip Lester here?â the postman asks, sounding bored. The house is so quiet as everyone waits to find out whoâs at the door, that the words almost seem to echo.
âTha- thatâs me,â Phil practically yelps, stumbling over the words. The postman hardly glances at him as he fiddles with a little handheld device, before handing it over.
âSign here,â the man says blandly. As Phil moves to do just that, Martyn turns towards the kitchen, only to find Dan poking his head around the doorway curiously. His eyes are wide, unsure, and heâs biting his bottom lip like he knows that he was too quick to jump to conclusions last night.
Martyn has to stifle a laugh as he turns back to Phil just in time to watch Phil fumble with a small brown package the postman has left with him.
âPhil?â Dan asks, the first thing heâs said to Phil since he got back from his shopping spree.
Phil shuts the door, blatantly shaking with nerves, and turns to face Dan very, very slowly.
âWhatâs going on?â Dan asks suspiciously âWhat is that?â he prods. He sounds wary, but thereâs no hiding the excitement, the hope in his voice. Martynâs grinning like an idiot, but he just canât help himself, because this is the moment heâd been waiting for. Last night, when heâd thought that Dan would joke with Phil and not mind so much that his birthday present was late, Martyn had been greedily waiting for the moment when Dan would finally get to see the huge surprise Phil had planned for him.
And now itâs finally here. Somehow, the fact that itâs coming on the tail end of this morningâs mini tantrum and petulant shopping spree only makes it all the funnier.
âI tried to tell you I got you something,â Phil replies softly, eyes soft and a little pleading as he looks at Dan. Martyn canât stop staring between the two of them, amused beyond belief. Dan looks shocked, and almost like he feels bad about this morning as he finally stumbles out of the kitchen doorway and more properly into the lounge. Kath and Cornelia are quick to follow, with Kath looking equally as confused as Dan.
Martyn catches Corneliaâs eye and winks at her.
âIt was just a little late, is all,â Phil explains shyly, worrying his bottom lip the same way heâs worrying the little brown package between his hands. âI tried really hard to make sure it came on time, butâŠâ Phil doesnât finish the sentiment, instead opting to shrug his shoulders a little awkwardly. He still looks a little ashamed, like the reminder of whatever fight had occured ages ago hasnât really left his mind.
Someday, Martyn has to ask about that. Maybe after this is all said and done, and the old wound isnât quite as sore as it seems to be right now.
âPhilâŠâ Dan breaths, arms slack at his sides as he stares guilty at Phil. Phil just waves him off, laughing a little wetly as he starts to tear away at the packing tape holding the little box closed. Martyn can see the tears pricking at Philâs eyes, watches as one slips away. Phil purses his lips, like heâs trying to hold himself together. Martyn can see that both their mum, and Dan are confused about Philâs sudden bout of emotion, and it only makes the whole moment feel that much stronger to him.
Philâs not looking at Dan anymore, clearly too focused on holding himself together to meet Danâs gaze. âIâm sorry, Dan,â Phil chokes out, shaking his head a little bit as he continues to tear open the box. âI just wanted it to be perfect, so I⊠well, I figured better late than never, right?â he asks, laughing darkly at his own words.
Martyn can hear him inhale sharply in an obvious attempt to hold back any more tears, but they seem to fall anyway as Dan stumbles forwards.
âPhil, Iâm really sorry,â Dan starts to say as he gets closer, but Phil shakes his head.
âNo, itâs okay,â he insists, finally getting the box open and lifting his head to stare shakily at Dan. His lips are quirked at the side in a nervous smile, and his cheeks are red with the held back emotion heâs trying so hard to keep in check. âI understand,â he adds, his voice ridiculously sweet.
But Martyn canât blame him, not as he watches his brother reach into the brown package, fumbling around for something inside. When he pulls his hand back out, itâs with a folded slip of paper that he crumples up in his hand and shoves into his pajama bottom pocket, before reaching back inside again.
This time, Martyn knows he must be closing his fingers around a small, velvet box.
The air in the room feels tense, similar to last night, and yet filled with so much more charged energy. Thereâs a sense of knowing pervading the room, despite the fact that neither Kath, nor Dan know with any certainty whatâs coming.
But itâs coming, and Martyn can feel it, as his brother smiles another wobbly smile at Dan. Philâs body twitches as he starts to pull the present free, but his hands are hiding what it is. Slowly, Phil begins to crouch down, the movements of his body obvious, intentional, as their family looks on.
The gasp that Dan lets out as Phil finally settles down onto one knee is loud in the sudden quiet of the room.
âDan?â Phil asks, staring up at him with wide, wet eyes. His hands shake as he finally reveals what heâs been planning for weeks to give to Dan. Martyn can see him fumbling with the top of the little black box in his attempts to get it open, but eventually he does.
âOh god,â Dan gasps, reaching up to cover his mouth with his hands. He doesnât seem to be concerned with how badly Phil is shaking. He looks far too stunned, almost disbelieving of whatâs happening to much care about anything except what Philâs about to do.
It only takes a moment for the tears to fall. Martyn watches as the tears cascade down his face in a surprised torrent of emotions. Dan doesnât look like he can hold himself up much longer as he stumbles forward, stumbles closer to Phil until theyâre mere meters apart.
Philâs grinning up at Dan, seemingly giddy with relief that the ring is finally here, that heâs finally doing this, that itâs almost over. He doesnât even look nervous that Danâs going to say no. He just looks happy, and it blows Martyn away how someone can be so confident in their love for someone else, in that personâs love for them.
âSorry itâs a little late,â Phil says, his voice stuttery and low. Dan collapses onto his knees in front of him, hands still covering his mouth, eyes scrunched up as he continues to cry. Phil just kind of laughs, and Martyn watches as he ducks his head a little sheepishly. âI didnât mean to make you cry on your birthday,â he murmurs, voice so soft Martyn almost doesnât hear it.
Dan chokes on a laugh that almost sounds like a little sob.
âDan⊠youâre my best friend. You have been for a really long time,â Phil says, choking on his own swell of emotion. Martyn can see him holding back his tears. âAnd I know you know that. I know you know that I love you, too. But that doesnât make it any less worth saying.â
Dan laughs again, and he looks almost like heâs proper sobbing now. His chest is heaving with the force of his emotion as his face scrunches up, and he stares at Phil, watching, waiting.
âI love you,â Phil says for good measure, laughing himself. The sound comes out stuttery, and Martyn isnât sure if itâs the nerves, or the desire to cry, but either way, it makes Martyn a little weepy as well.
He glances over at Cornelia, and wonders for a moment if maybe, just maybe, Cornelia wants this as well, because the moment is just so beautiful and sweet it makes marriage almost feel like a thing.
Cornelia looks absolutely delighted, but she doesnât look jealous or particularly interested in participating in such an event herself. It settles Martyn, to know theyâre always on the same page, and he smiles as he turns back to his little brother.
âDaniel Howell,â Phil finally says, âIâm tired of just being your boyfriend, so⊠will you marry me?â Philâs voice does something strange as he says the words, lilting highly, until he sounds just as unsure and nervous as he probably should, but itâs okay.
Itâs okay because it only seems to make the moment seem even more real as Dan quite suddenly throws himself into Philâs arms, knocking his boyfriend a little off center. Martyn can see him nodding his head eagerly into the crook of Philâs neck as Philâs arms move to wrap around him, can almost hear the whispered yes yes yes pressed against Philâs skin, and feels his own tears start to fall.
He canât help it, not when he can see just how happy Phil is, not after all the stress of the last 12 hours, not with a moment this monumental.
Marriage might not feel like a lot to Martyn, but he knows it's a lot to Phil, and apparently Dan as well, and itâs impossible not to be overcome with the emotions of the moment.
Sniffling, Martyn reaches up and swipes his tears away as Cornelia joins him on the sofa, tearing up as well. Sheâs laughing, the sound loud and boisterous in the room. Itâs almost infectious, and Martyn hears Phil start to laugh as well.
From the kitchen doorway, Martyn can hear his mum quietly weeping, and his eyes dart over to look at her. Sheâs smiling despite the tears, and itâs enough to make Martyn smiles as well. When he looks back, Phil is rocking Dan in his arms, laughing giddly into the top of dark, messy curls. Danâs grasping so tight to Phil, it looks like heâs never going to let go, not even long enough to get the actual ring on his finger.
In fact, for as much trouble as the silly thing is, itâs currently laying discarded on the floor at Philâs feet, not quite forgotten, but by no means the most important thing right now.
**
It seems to take ages, but eventually Phil is able to pull himself and Dan together enough to get them up off the floor, and relocated on the sofa. Philâs holding the little black velvet box again, and he slides the ring free as soon as heâs seated in front of Dan so he can slide it onto Danâs ring finger.
Danâs face is tear streaked, and heâs staring at the dark ring in complete awe. The moment it rests against his ring finger, he reaches up to stroke gentle fingers over the black stones embedded in it.
âItâs David Yurman,â Phil explains softly, affectionately. âCause youâd mentioned before that you liked him, and I figured⊠well, you are kind of particular, Dan,â Phil teases, giggling a little when Dan sends him a mock offended look.
âShut up,â he complains, but heâs smiling anyway, clearly used to Phil making fun of his affection for labels and brand names. He doesnât once look up from the ring as he rolls it over his finger, taking in every last detail with greedy eyes. Itâs obvious that he adores it, and Martynâs suddenly proud of his brother because he really had picked out the perfect ring. That stubborn determination in the David Yurman store no longer feels quite so annoying.
âWait,â Dan suddenly says after a moment, finally looking up from his ring. His brows are furrowed as he looks up at Phil. âWhat about you? Whereâs your ring?â he asks, clearly confused.
The question surprises Martyn. Phil hadnât once said anything about getting himself a ring. Heâd been entirely focused on finding the perfect one for Dan, and it hadnât seemed the least bit strange to Martyn in the moment. Wasnât it like a thing where the person who proposed didnât wear a ring?
Now that Martyn was thinking about it, it sounded kind of ridiculous.
âOh!â Phil replies, sounding as if heâs just remembered something. âI donât have one,â he admits sheepishly. He opens his mouth to continue, probably to explain, but Dan cuts him off before he can.
âPhiiil,â Dan whines, sounding entirely put out and almost offended. âThatâs not fair. I want to see a ring on that finger as well,â he complains, lips puckered up in annoyance as he points aggressively towards Philâs currently undecorated hand. âIt doesnât feel much like an engagement if only one of us is wearing the ring.â
Danâs pouting, and heâs crossed his arms over his chest defensively as he stares at Phil. The entire image it makes is ridiculously cheesy, and the fact that Phil is smiling fondly at Dan makes it almost sickeningly so.
Martyn makes an undisguised gagging noise that goes ignored by the two boys.
âCome on Dan,â Phil says softly, reaching forward and gently prying Danâs arms apart. It takes a little bit of struggling, but eventually Phil manages to take Danâs left hand in his. Heâs still smiling like a completely enamoured idiot. âWho said Iâm not going to wear a ring, too?â he teases, squeezing Danâs fingers in his.
Danâs pout only seems to grow heavier. Martyn imagines Phil finds it absolutely adorable, but Martyn just finds it entirely ridiculous, and rolls his eyes despite the fact that heâs still smiling.
âI thought maybe when we get home, you could pick one out for me.â The words are said so soft, and low that Martyn almost misses them, but Dan doesnât. His jaw drops open in surprise, and his cheeks seem to burn a dark red as the information hits him. The way his lips curl at the corner is enough to tell Martyn just how much Dan is living for the sentiment.
Shit. Martyn really has to give it to his brother. He really knows how Dan works. Chuckling in shock, Martyn can do nothing but watch as Danâs expression turns to literal mush, itâs so sappingly sweet.
âAs soon as we get home,â Dan agrees wholeheartedly.
Before Martyn is even fully prepared for it, Dan leans forward and presses his lips wetly to Philâs, the force of his touch nearly knocking Phil over - which would have been unfortunate, considering Martyn and them are currently sharing the same sofa and Martyn really doesnât need a lap full of his brother and his fiance making out.
Phil manages to catch himself, laughing into the kiss, one hand falling to the back of the sofa to keep him upright, and the other curling against the side of Danâs face.
It would have continued to be cute if Dan hadnât threaded his fingers through Philâs hair and dragged his face so close that the image becomes almost pornographic. Martyn canât help it when he says, âGet a room!â almost teasingly.
Phil doesnât so much as bother to pull away from Dan when he picks up a pillow and tosses it backward at Martyn.
It misses, but Martynâs not really all that surprised. Phil has always had terrible aim. Except, it seems, with Dan.
**
Iâd love to hear what you thought, so come say hi!
405 notes
·
View notes
Text
The Path to Happiness Ch. 1/7
Summary:Â Phil, Prince of Stratalary, has an arranged marriage with Daniel, Prince of Iridacia. He doesn't think he'll have any feelings for the prince, that is, until he meets him.
Word Count: 30,000 overall
Genre: Fantasy AU, Arranged Marriage, Slow Burn, Fluff
Warnings: Some Swearing, Food Mentions
Authorâs Note: This is my fic for the winter 2018 @phandomreversebang! Massive thank-you to my beta @yourfriendlyblogstalkerâ for being fantastic and so supportive even with my procrastination and several postponements! Thank you also to @pasteldnpâ for listening to me worldbuild for like two months and then drawing a map of my creation for me, which can be found here The wonderful art for this fic can be found here -- UPDATE -- for my birthday, Juls made an amazing moodboard for this, go check it out!!
Rough pronunciation guide: Stratalary: STRAT-uh-larry Iridacia: ear-ih-DAY-shuh
Chapter 2Â Masterlist
Link to AO3 Fics Masterlist
Phil had been expecting it all his life. In the last week alone, heâd been anticipating the order every time a servant entered his presence. Important meetings between kingdoms were happening, something to put an end to the tension and the conflict so everyone could finally exist in peace, and Phil doubted heâd escape the politics.
Expecting and anticipating were not the same thing as being prepared. Phil learned that quickly when the order came.
âPhil,â his brother said solemnly. He looked tired and worn down; Phil supposed that happened when you were king. âIâve arranged for you to marry the prince of Iridacia.â
Here it goes, I guess, Phil thought with a sigh. He bowed. âAs you will it,â he said stiffly to the floor. He straightened, but his eyes remained trained on the floor.
You had no right to imagine anything else. This is your duty, he tried to tell himself.
âHey,â Martyn said softly. He took a step closer to Phil and laid a hand on his shoulder.
Phil looked up, keeping his expression as neutral as possible.
Martyn smiled a small smile. âThis is a good thing. Itâs important for our kingdoms to show our cooperation now. Itâll bring peace and prosperity to both kingdoms.â
Peace and prosperity for everyone. Thatâs why you have to do this. Itâs bigger than you.
Phil nodded, returning Martynâs smile. âI know.â
Martynâs hand slid around until he wrapped Phil in a tight hug. Phil reciprocated, burying his nose in Martynâs neck.
âIâm sorry it has to be you. I know itâll be hard, especially at first, and itâll all be weird and foreign and new, but I think, one day, youâll be happy,â Martyn murmured, trying to be as reassuring as possible. His hand rubbed soft circles on Philâs back.
It wasnât often that Phil got to see his brother Martyn as opposed to King Martyn, but he was grateful to his brother for understanding what he needed at that moment.
âIâve been waiting for this my whole life,â Phil said quietly. He pulled back from the hug and put on a brave face and a smile. As much as he appreciated Martynâs comforts, he knew that if he wasnât careful with how he showed his feelings then Martyn was likely to call the whole thing off, and that would be much worse than marrying a foreign future king. âIâll be alright. Itâs all in the name of peace and prosperity.â
~~~~~~~~~~
After Phil left his brother to attend to his other kingly duties, he wandered a while, lost in thought. If heâd been back in his familyâs palace in Cirrus, heâd have made his way to a quiet corner of the library to sit and think. But Martyn had insisted that Phil come to the negotiations with their rival kingdom, so he was forced to wander unknown territory.
The two kingdoms, Stratalary and Iridacia, had agreed to meet on neutral grounds in Fractalis, their mutual neighbouring kingdom. Years ago, their forefathers had fought a terrible war over a small patch of land to the west of both their kingdoms. Now, after decades of a bitter armistice, the kingdom of clouds and the kingdom of flowers had finally agreed to set aside their differences and sign an official treaty of cooperation and friendship.
Phil was unbelievably proud of Martyn for accomplishing it. Other Stratalarian kings had tried, but none succeeded. This would be an amazing step towards a better, calmer world for all their subjects. If that meant he had to marry a man heâd never met, so be it. It was worth it.
Or at least, that was what Phil was trying to convince himself as he crunched through the icy snow outside the palace at Chrystite.
Marrying for love was always a hopeless dream, he reminded himself, stuffing his freezing hands into his pockets as he approached a high balcony. It was a good dream, but hopeless. And thatâs fine. Iâll still be happy. Iâm always happy. I just have to find the good, as ever.
He sighed as he stared out into the surrounding mountains. It was beautiful here. Snow and ice covered every inch of the landscape, making everything shimmer. He looked down off the edge of the balcony, admiring the way the mountain dropped off steeply to the ground below. It was frightening, but Phil couldnât pull himself away. The light cast sharp shadows that made the ground look like a white and blue collection of geometric shapes.
Reaching inside himself, he willed a wispy cloud to form in the abyss, then watched it dance in the wind and sun before dissipating. He did this several more times, before finally creating a stronger cloud closer to him and making it snow. He caught the flakes in his palms and watched as they quickly melted.
When Iâm in Iridacia, Iâll play with clouds and help to water their flowers. Iâll show them how pretty clouds can be, and theyâll show me their prettiest flowers. Even if I never love the prince, Iâll fall in love with the land.
~~~~~~~~~~
The wedding was to take place in a month, which meant rushed preparations and many, many meetings and appointments for Phil.
His suit needed to be fitted and modified, he needed to be taught about the culture he was marrying into, he needed to know the schedule of the wedding and reception and who he was supposed to talk to and who he was to avoid at all costs.
A week before the wedding, Martyn talked him through the politics of the situation as Phil put on his wedding attire for one last tailoring check.
âYou will marry the prince, of course, and then there will be the wedding reception. You must speak with the royal families this time,â Martyn commanded.
Phil squawked indignantly, turning from fastening his shirt to look at Martyn. âHey, I always speak with the royal families! Every ball we go to, I spend hours talking to them!â
Martyn fixed him with a look that said, Youâre a terrible liar. Youâre not getting out of this.
âYou wonât have a choice, anyway. Youâre not to leave your husbandâs side except for your dance with Mum and his dance with his mum, and heâs really going to speak with all the royals.â Martyn lifted his book of notes and instructions on the wedding, checking the contents and pretending not to notice Philâs groan and pout.
Phil huffed when he realized Martyn wouldnât give him the satisfaction of a reaction, then turned back to the mirror to continue dressing.
âAh, yes, speaking of the dancing,â Martyn continued, âyou will not be allowed to dance with anyone other than the prince or Mum all night. Itâs apparently an Iridacian custom for the newlyweds to dance the night away with only each other as a sign of your devotion to your relationship.â He looked Phil in the eyes through the mirror. âThat means that even when old Aunt Madelyne comes around expecting a dance, you have to turn her down, understand?â
Philâs eyes widened. âHow in the world am I supposed to do that? Sheâs so persistent!â
Martyn shrugged. âIâll have someone warn the Iridacians so they know to look out for her. With some help, you and the prince can steer clear of her.â
Remembering past family celebrations, Phil grinned. âIf we stay away from her, she wonât have the chance to tell me all about her catsâ genealogy for the millionth time!â His grin turned smug. âBut youâll still have to listen to her. I bet Mum will make you dance with her twice to make up for missing me.â
Martyn paled. âOh, god.â
Phil cackled as he straightened his sleeves. His laughter died away in a sigh as he saw Martyn raise the notebook again through the mirror. âWhat else do I need to know?â
âWell, at the end of the reception, we will be signing the treaty. I will give a short speech about the honour this treaty will bring to Stratalary, then the current king of Iridacia will give a speech on his relief that the matter is finally being put to rest, then their prince will give a speech about his excitement for his future with you and his kingdom.â
âThat doesnât sound too bad. Maybe a bit boring, but nothing too intense,â Phil commented casually. He reached for the cape hanging off the back of a nearby chair but paused when he saw Martynâs face in the mirror again. âWhat?â he asked nervously. âYouâve got that face you make when you have to say something but donât want to say it. Whatâs wrong?â
Martyn hesitated, his face scrunched up in discomfort. âItâs- itâs just what comes after the reception that you wonât like. I donât know that it will be bad, but itâll beâŠâ he trailed off and refused to look at Phil, instead choosing to fiddle with his notebook.
Phil set down the cape and turned to face Martyn fully. âMartyn. Just tell me. Iâll have to know eventually anyway,â he reasoned. He tried not to look as freaked out as he felt. If Martyn was this uncomfortable even telling Phil what it was, then how would Phil feel when he actually had to do whatever it was?
His brother let out a long sigh, then finally made eye contact with Phil. His expression melted from the concerned brother and into the responsible king. âAfter the reception, you and the prince will travel to the palace at Perennis, where youâll be living from then on. Itâs expected that you two will-â some of Martynâs facade cracked, letting Phil see an awkward, apologetic expression, â- will consummate the marriage,â he finished.
Phil spluttered. âExcuse me?â he squeaked. So far, he hadnât complained about any of it. Not the marriage, or the ceremony, or how heâd be sent away from friends and family. Martyn had enough to handle as it was and he didnât need to feel guilty about taking control of Philâs life. But this time he couldnât restrain himself, letting his worry spill out of his mouth in a rush. âConsummate the marriage? I donât even know the prince! Why is this necessary? Itâs not like people are gonna know if we do or-â Philâs already-pale face got even paler. âThere wonât be people watching, right?â
âOh, god, no,â Martyn reassured quickly, hands held out in a placating gesture. âNo one will be in the room but you and the prince, so technically no one but the two of you will actually know if you do it or not. Itâs another Iridacian custom that they want you to follow, but thatâs between you and the prince.â
Philâs breath caught back up to him at that. âThank god. I don't really have to sleep with him, then.â He nodded once, somewhat reassured, and picked up the cape again to try it on.
Martynâs uncomfortable face came back. âYeah, probably not.â
Freezing again, Phil slowly looked up from the cape. âWhat do you mean âprobablyâ?â he asked tentatively.
âTechnically, the prince has an absurd amount of control over you and could order you to?â Martyn said quickly, fidgeting with his notebook again. âNot that he will- from what I understand, heâs actually really nice and at least a little uncomfortable with this arrangement, too, so itâll probably be fine-â
âHow much control will he have?â Phil whispered.
Martyn cringed and hesitated. âHe canât- like- physically control you, or anything, those are just myths-â
Phil took a step towards him. âI know that,â he said softly. He was a little offended at the implication, if he was being honest with himself. It seemed like Martyn didnât know him at all if he thought Phil would subscribe to the rumours and stereotypes flying around about the Iridacians. âPlease, Martyn. Just tell me.â
Martyn sighed and ran a hand over his face, suddenly looking more exhausted than Phil had realized he could be. âYouâll be completely under the control of the prince and the king. Theyâll have to formally approve of everything you do and everywhere you go outside of the castle.â
âSo,â Phil started, inhaling deeply. He stared blankly down at the cape still in his hands. âWhat youâre saying is that Iâll essentially be a prisoner of the Iridacian royalty?â
Solemnly, Martyn nodded. âIâm sorry, Phil. I wish it didnât have to be like this.â
Phil shrugged. Pull it back, Phil. You have to be strong for Martyn. He forced himself to give Martyn a small smile, then raised the cape and put it on. He turned to the mirror. âHow does it look?â he asked, straightening out the fastenings and running his hands down the white suit jacket.
Martyn looked like he wanted to say more about the arrangement, but he held himself back. âYou look amazing,â he said. He walked up behind Phil and looked at the two of them in the mirror.
âThanks,â Phil replied quietly. He scanned himself in the mirror, taking in the full extent of his wedding clothes.
He wore a white suit with shimmering silver embroidery and light grey patches, almost like his suit was meant to camouflage him into a cloud. The cape was just barely long enough to drag on the floor. Phil crinkled his nose at the realization that heâd likely get dirt in the soft white tufts at the end of the train.
âYouâre missing one piece,â Martyn commented. He held the veil headpiece in his hand. Phil hadnât noticed him pick it up, but he watched as Martyn delicately arranged it on his head.
Despite his displeasure at his arranged marriage, Phil did have to admit that the aesthetics of the wedding would be perfect. He wore a white flower crown that draped into a light green veil that covered his face and extended to his elbows. Combined with the white suit and cape, Philâs wedding clothes would be a symbol of the union of the cultures of the two kingdoms.
âI can almost hear the wedding bells now,â Phil mumbled.
~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 2
24 notes
·
View notes
Photo
John Martyn
Inside Out
@ Mid 80s Germany Re-issue
*****
Of all the musicians who attempted to marry modern jazz/rock ideas with traditional British folk in the late '60s/early '70s, John Martyn was the most challenging and aggressive. He had others giving him a run for his money, sure -- Richard Thompson attacked the guitar with Sufi focus and clarity; Bert Jansch often employed a sharp, metallic edge in his work; and John Renbourn was capable of guitar maelstroms -- but when it came down to it, no one was as out-there as Martyn, as experimental in their approach, or as violent in their vocal delivery. Martyn could coo with the best of them, but he seemed more at home howling, growling, and slurring his lyrics over wildly distorted -- and Echoplex-laden -- guitar work. And while his early work with wife Beverly often rocked gently like American contemporaries The Byrds or national kin Fairport Convention, his solo albums, starting with 1968âs London Conversation, found him blending American blues, jazz, and world music to startling effect. 1970âs Stormbringer! introduced the Echoplex to his sound, and by 1973âs Solid Air and Inside Out, it had defined it; both albums bare little resemblance to what was going on in contemporary music, let alone folk at that time. But while Solid Air maintained significant footing in folk standards, Inside Out did not. This is Martyn cut loose: long stretches of distorted jazz punctuated by funky drum kit work, Danny Thompsonâs slippery, singing double-bass, washes of saxophone, and Steve Winwoodâs deft synthesizer coloring.
âIt felt natural,â Martyn can be heard saying amidst studio clatter as the album starts, and itâs easy to see why the statement was included on the final recording. For all of Inside Outâs excursions and risks, the record does indeed feel ânaturalâ -- a noted influence of the Coltranes (John and Alice) and their saxophonist Pharoah Sanders. Martyn confessed: âThe only reason I bought the Echoplex was to try and imitate Sandersâ sustain on my guitar... I pursued the fuzz box and its various accompanying things just to try and get the sustain that you can get from a sax.â
Subsequently, Inside Out embraces multicultural dialog, with American, British, and African ideas all given equal footing. One of two songs not written by Martyn, âEibhli Ghail chiuin ni Chearbhallâ is the albumâs most telling moment. A traditional folk melody is rendered nearly unrecognizable by the long passages of feedback and echo, bringing to mind the work of Brian Enoâs Here Come the Warm Jets. Considering the similarities, itâs not difficult to imagine Eno owning a copy of Inside Out. The second cover, "The Glory of Love," is one of the albumâs sweetest moments, a poppy cut of bouncy bass and plucked blues guitar, with Martynâs worn-in voice sounding genuine and tender.
Martynâs originals are equally telling of his headspace at the time. Opener âFine Linesâ extols the virtues of friendship, noting the kinship Martyn felt with his collaborators, particularly Thompson, who was one of the few musicians able to keep up with his notorious drug and alcohol consumption. âMake No Mistakeâ makes explicit reference to said hard-living: "If I canât be a happy man/ I wonât be one at all/ To be dead drunk on the floor/ To get up and ask for more/ If I canât get everything I want/ Iâll just get what I can." Marynâs reputation is legendary; the man was a brawler, prone to exploding, drink-fueled rage, and the music makes no attempt hide this. His voice is most easily recognizable as a punk rock attribute, but his guitar playing is just as defiant. On the largely instrumental âOutside In,â his playing veers from restrained to free-jazz explosive, and âLook In,â buoyed by a tribal, shifting groove, features a bevy of effects pedals, including his signature Echoplex augmented with wah-wah and fuzzed, bluesy leads.
And while Martynâs work is often defined by its baiting stance, Inside Out is a testament to the struggle between his sneering idiosyncrasies and his desire to create truly transcendent music. âBeverly,â named for his wife, is a gorgeous instrumental, showcasing passion and grace while still incorporating the album's psychedelic touchstones. âWays to Cryâ is similarly unguarded; recalling the pastoral calm of Marynâs friend Nick Drake, it blends the full band arrangements of Bryter Layter with the soft-focus acoustics of Pink Moon. "If I ever took another one/ I was crying for you," Martyn sings with guilty honesty. âSo Much In Love With Youâ further states the albumâs overarching message: âThe concept of love is what Inside Out is all about,â Martyn said, and he sings "âCause Iâm so much in love with you baby/ I just canât seem to see it clear." The tension between being who you believe you should be and being who you are is ultimately what makes for such a compelling listen. Where previous albumâs precariously balanced traditional forms with more experimental ones, the thrust of Inside Out is a personal balancing; the songs are fully out-there, but the spiritual tug of war is still very much occurring.
Martynâs future work would find him performing with Eric Clapton, Phil Collins, David Gilmour, and Lee âScratchâ Perry while exploring and integrating elements of electronica, reggae, and pop into his music. Itâs debatable how listenable later albums like Glorious Fool are, but with an early canon containing so many undeniable gems, Martynâs legacy is secured as one of the most electrifying, bizarrely singular artists of any genre. He passed away earlier this year, and Inside Out is certainly one of the best ways to remember and honor him. It is a contrarian, deeply personal album, featuring many of his most jaw-dropping songs.
JasonÂ
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
Repose
Chapter 16
Read on AO3
Rated M (adult themes, keeping beauty au) word count: 3014/ 45,687
âPhil.â Louise had a hand on Philâs shoulder. He looked up from his phone to see the lone guard had turned and was walking directly toward him. Before he had a chance to think, there was a firm grip on his upper arm. His phone was pulled out of his hand and Dennis pulled the metal grate aside. Two additional guards had come out of nowhere and they now flanked the gate.
âMr. Lester, Iâll need you to come with me. Iâd prefer we do this quietly and without incident but that is entirely up to you.â
Phil looked to Louise and back to the guard. He nodded his understanding and Louise watched as he was led through the gate and around the corner.
âWhere are we going?â Phil and the guard weaved their way through the halls. He had no idea where he was or how to find his way out.
The guard did not slow his pace. âYour presence has been requested by members of the family.â
âRequested? That sounds like I have a choice. Do I have a choice?â
The guard did not respond but advanced quickly to a set of double doors, swiping his badge, and holding one side open for Phil to enter. The room looked just like the one Phil had met Prince Walter in, opulent but practical. Someone sat on the sofa alone, it was Adrian.
Phil rushed forward, glad to see him, but Adrian didnât look up. Pulling a chair away from the wall, Phil sat down in front of Adrian.
âHey, are you ok?â Phil asked, putting a hand to Adrian's shoulder but quickly pulling it back again. Tension hung between them but whether it was fear, anger, or something else entirely, Phil couldnât tell.
After what seem like ages, Adrian spoke up. âWhat did you do, Phil?â
âAdrian, IâŠâ
Adrian held up a finger, silencing Phil, just like Phil had seen Walter do to him. The thought of Adrian taking after his father, stuck here without Danâs balancing influence, left a sour taste in Philâs mouth. He waited for Adrian to speak, aware as always of how much was at stake for the young man in front of him.
âSo, you wonât kiss him, but youâll out him? To millions of people. Without his consent. Is that right, Phil?â Adrian finally looked Phil in the eye. âDid you think about how that might put him in danger, put you in danger? And what about us? What about me, Phil? And my mother?â
âAdrian, Iâm sorry.â Phil did his best to sound composed, like he wasnât in a complete and utter panic. âI wasnât given any notice, I was just left, shut out. I have no way to contact any of you, no way of knowing if heâs ok.â Philâs composure began to crack. â I had to do something so I used the only tool I have. Dennis looks so worried. He wonât look me in the eye. God, Adrian, I wasnât thinking of you, any of you, or England or me or anything but Dan and if heâs even fucking alive.â Phil let his head drop into his hands. He felt a hand grip his arm, and then Adrian was wrapped around him, crying into Philâs shoulder. Phil sat up and pulled him in for a proper hug.
âAdrian, listen to me. Iâm really sorry I didnât consider you in all this but you must know that Dan was only closeted because of your father. He talked about coming out all the time. I know that was years ago, maybe I had no right, but here we are.â
Adrian pulled back. He looked so young now that his guard was down, tear stained and clearly terrified of whatâs to come. âHe did come out.â He said.
âWhat? What are you talking about?â Phil asked, confused.
âThat Christmas, the year you guys met. He told me first, I had my suspicions, but he told me officially. He told me all about you and how much you meant to him. He told me Iâd be a great king and that heâd always be here for me. He was scared but he was so happy, Phil. He loved you, loves you, so much.â
âI donât understand. Thatâs, thatâs when I lost him. He left me, Adrian.â
âItâs my fault.â Adrianâs voice was clear, resolved.
âWhatâs your fault?â Phil asked.
âAll of it.â Adrian shook his head and tucked his feet under him. âJesus, Phil, I was so jealous. I couldnât just be happy for him.â
âAdrian, you were a kid.â
âYou should have seen him. He stood up at the table, like he had a toast to give. It was the night before Christmas Eve. Iris was there and my Aunts, a cousin. I could never do anything like that.â
Phil didnât know how to process this, he had no idea. âIris was there?â
âYeah, he must have told her already because she just sipped her wine and kept her head down.â Adrian continued. âBut my father, he lost it. He went on and on about how heâs ruining Irisâ life, like she has no value outside of marrying royal. He talked about her family, her sex life. Right in front of her, in front of everyone. The things he said, Phil, it was awful. She wasnât having it, she stood up for Dan, for herself, said sheâd be just fine. Basically told Walter to fuck off. I think Dan was ready to be attacked but he hadnât expected dad to go after Iris like that.â
âAdrian, why didnât Dan tell me any of this?â
âI donât know Phil, he was really shaken. And it just got worse. Dad started threatening you, saying he knows who you are, where youâre from, your family. He could ruin you, Phil. He could spin this whole thing to look like youâre some kind of stalker, or worse.â
âHe threatened my family?â Fear and anger buzzed in Philâs mind. He couldnât go back now. He couldnât undo what heâd done and he wasnât sure he wanted to but heâd never considered the possibility that Dan left him to protect him. It was out there now, in the open. He had gotten ahead of Walter without realizing how crucial that step might be. He wanted to call his mum, to explain, to warn her. His family had to have seen the story. They must be so worried. All the thinking he hadnât done rushed over him in a wave of potential implications and consequences. âOf course he did, and of course Dan retreated. He knows what your father is capable of.â
âThat wasnât it, Phil. That was just the beginning and Dan held his ground. Nothing angers my father more than challenging his authority. Dan stood up to him, he threatened to go over his head.â
âTo the queen.â
Adrian nodded. âMy father does not like to be reminded who is really in power. He was quiet all Christmas Eve, right up to midnight mass, but then it started. When were all heading back to our rooms. He laid into me, berated me. He had us stay behind while mum and grandma went off to bed. He pushed me to the ground, told me I was nothing, that Iâd always be nothing.â Adrianâs chewed on the cuff of his jumper, his eyes shone wet as he spoke through shaky breaths. âHe said if I was going to be king, heâd have to mold me into someone who could carry on his legacy. He said Iâm weak, he promised to break me.â
âMy god, Adrian.â Phil didnât know what to say. He knew Walter could come in at any moment.
âDan finally got between us. He helped me up and walked me to my room. He slept on my floor that night and every night for weeks. He didnât leave my side except when heâŠâ
âWhen he came to see me.â Phil said, suddenly aware of the heartbreak that he had lived with then, and the shadow it left behind, dull and dusty, but always there. He dropped his head and let it all sink in.
_______________________________________________________
The door slammed behind Phil as he rushed in out of the cold. Heâd been exploring with Martyn and Cornelia but decided to take the third wheel out of the equation. Watching his brother and the love of his life walk hand in hand in the snow was beautiful but just a little too much. He threw off his gloves and scarf and hung his coat on a hook, then scurried to sit right in front of the roaring fire. Holding up his phone, he looked straight into the camera, love on his mind, hoping it would come through his eyes in the photo. Heâd already sent Dan a photo of his breakfast and a shot of the snow angel he made. He hadnât heard back but he understood why. He hit send on the selfie and wiggled back toward the fire, thawing out his frozen bum. Just a little more time in front of the fire alone, a little more time to just imagine his future with Dan. Soon, his mum would want help in the kitchen or his dad would start in with his stories, and there was wrapping to do. Tomorrow would be Christmas Eve.
His mind wandered to New Yearâs kisses and all the favors he could ask Dan for on his birthday. He dreamt of their first Valentineâs day and Easter garden parties at Buckingham Palace. That last one gave him pause but before he could think too deeply, his back pocket vibrated.
Dan: Your nose is all red. I wish I was there to keep you warm.
Phil: I wish you were here too. This fire canât compare.
Dan: Youâre so pretty, Lester.
Phil: Youâre the pretty one, can I see?
Dan: Iâm not really supposed to do that.
Phil: I know. But since when do you follow the rules?
Dan: Good point.
A few seconds passed and Phil tapped the small photo that arrived. Danâs face filled his screen. He was lying on a pillow and had held the phone up above him so Phil could just see his face and neck. His eyes were narrowed, head tipped back, and his bottom lip was between his teeth.
Phil: Woof.
Dan: LOLCI
Phil: ??
Dan: Laughing out loud, crying inside
Phil: :( me too
Another photo came though. Dan was in the same spot but he wore a genuine, gentle smile and his brown eyes twinkled like they did when Phil laughed at one of his jokes.
Phil: You are the most beautiful thing Iâve ever seen.
Dan: Stop. My heart hurts. I miss you so much.
Phil: I only speak the truth.
Dan: I have to go dress for dinner.
Phil: Ok. Text me later?
Dan: The moment I escape. I love you.
He didnât text later. Phil had wrapped all his gifts and dried the dishes that his mum had washed. His dad had fallen asleep in his recliner and Martyn and Cornelia had long since disappeared up the stairs. Catherine sat by the fire with a cup of tea, finally relaxing after a day of festive preparations. She smiled at Phil as he leaned in for a goodnight kiss to the cheek. Phil hurried upstairs and to his room, stopping in to brush his teeth. He pulled off his clothes and slipped on flannel pajamas, then crawled into bed. Phil had no idea how late these multi course royal dinners went. It was only 11, maybe Dan hadnât gone to bed yet. He knew this could happen. He was lucky to connect with Dan at all when he was with his family. Still though, it was lonely not having that small reminder that Dan was thinking of him. He stayed up as long as he could but it had been a long day and sleep finally won out.
Everyone was already around the kitchen table when Phil stumbled in, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. His dad was dishing out huge portions of food; eggs, sausages, beans, the works. Fresh scones steamed on the table alongside clotted cream and lemon curd. This should be heaven for Phil. He sat and poked at the food on his plate, pushing his eggs from side to side. His phone sat silent where he had set it, and he watched it do nothing as he sipped his coffee. The whole family was quiet in the face of Philâs conspicuous lack of appetite. Before they could ask what was wrong, he pushed back from the table, grabbed his phone and headed back toward the stairs.
âIâm not feeling well, Iâm gonna go back to bed for a little bit.â He said to no one in particular as he made his way up the stairs.
He typed out a message for Dan, Happy Christmas Eve. Curling up on his bed, he told himself heâd have to get used to this and hit send.
A knock on his door woke him up. He hadnât actually intended to fall asleep and disorientation had him wondering what day it was.
âCome in.â Phil sat up and rubbed his eyes, then replaced his glasses and looked up at Cornelia.
âHey you, feeling any better? Lester Christmas Eve canât get started without you.â
âOh yeah, Iâm sorry. What time is it?â
âOnly noon. Itâs all good. Come down though, we are about make a snowman.â Cornelia had sat down on Philâs bed and placed a hand on his knee. She looked at him with so much understanding and love, he almost told her everything right then and there. Fortunately, his phone lit up and distracted them both.
âYouâre blowinâ up.â Cornelia said, winking. âSee you in a few.â
The phone screen was filled with notifications, 6 texts from Dan. Phil breathed a sigh of relief and read.
Dan: Iâm sorry I couldnât get away last night.
Dan: I wish I was there with your family instead of here with mine
Dan: I wish I was there with you
Dan: Sure is chilly in this castle
Dan: Please donât be mad.
Dan: I really need to hear your voice.
Phil tapped Danâs photo and hit call. Dan answered with a very quiet hello.
âIâm not mad. I was just worried and I miss you. I wish you were here too. I canât really chat though, I have to go make a snowman with my family.â
âThat sounds so nice.â Dan sounded far away, because he was talking from his bed in his cavernous room with the vaulted ceiling, but also because he spoke in a low near whisper, hesitating before every thought. âMy family are currently all in separate rooms, silently disliking each other. Phil, you know I love you right?â
âOf course, I do. You never let me forget.â Phil said, though the question was odd.
âIâd do anything for you, Phil. You are the best thing in my life.â
âYouâre the best thing in my life too. Dan, is something wrong?â
There was silence on the line for a bit. Phil knew Dan was still there, he could hear him breathing and he thought he wouldnât mind listening to that sweet sound a while longer.
âBut Iâm not.â Dan finally said.
âYouâre not what?â
âThe best thing in your life. You have a wonderful family who love and accept you. You have real true friends. You have a life that you chose, that you built.â Dan spoke with conviction, presenting his case. âYou were fine before you met me and youâd be fine without me.â
âWithout you?â Phil spoke up. âI wouldnât. Not now that I have you.â
Dan talked right over him, âYouâre kind and strong and just good and Iâm chaos.â
âDan, you're scaring me a little. Please tell me whatâs going on.â
Dan laughed a little under his breath. âIâm sorry. Itâs just, I have to sit around this huge table again tonight, too big to have a conversation with anyone but the person next to me. Iâll be served in abject silence by wonderful people I have known since I was a baby. My parents wonât even speak except to pray thanks for the meal. This place makes me emo, I guess.â
âCan we talk later? After my family stuff is done. Like 10 or 11 maybe?â
Dan sighs, âWe have late supper and then midnight mass.â
âOh.â
âItâs ok, go make snowmen. Have the best time ever for both of us.â Danâs trying to sound like heâs ok now, but Phil can hear worry and melancholy.
âOk, babe. Happy Christmas.â
Bouts of sadness and frustration arenât a new thing from Dan and Phil isnât surprised that being with his family would bring that out. Still, he wants to hold Dan and make him feel safe and loved. He wants to make him forget everything that isnât the two of them, drown out all the voices that say what they have isnât ok, pretend they arenât a secret.
Christmas Eve was always cakes and snowmen and movies and opening one gift before bed. Soon, Phil was immersed in traditions and family and any worry slipped to background. His gift was a handmade sweater from his aunt. He loved it and vowed to wear it fo Christmas Day. There was talk of Dan. Everyone wanted to hear how they met, how it was going. He could mostly tell the truth. They met in the bakery, they went to a party for their first date and hung out by the food, Phil got too drunk and Dan tucked him in. He told them all about candlelight pizza dinners and galaxy cakes and breakfast in bed.
âYou sound perfect for eachother.â Catherine had said, pulling Phil in to kiss his head. Then, âMaybe we can all be together on your birthday.â
He smiled and nodded, allowing himself the fantasy, just for now, just for Christmas.
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
Fic: Hide Not Your Face 7
Title: Hide Not Your Face Summary: Chemistry grad student Phil Lester wants to make the world a better place, but a strange creature named Dan appears when Phil tests a potion intended to get rid of negative emotions. Rating: Teen (for a bit of language) Word Count: 3.5k (this chapter) Tags: Phandom Reverse Bang, Scientist AU, Enemies to Lovers, Slow Burn, Magical Realism, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Angst, Angst with A Happy Ending Authorâs Note: My posting schedule has flown out the window & Iâm just posting when I can. Many thanks again to the wonderful @ribenaflip, who came up with the initial story idea in the @phandomreversebang, and whose beautiful art (which you can see HERE)Â accompanies a scene which spans both the previous chapter and this one. Also thanks to @jorzuela for the informal beta reading. :) Also available on AO3 here
[ Chapter Masterlist ]
Chapter 7: Reflection
When heâd found Dan apparently catatonic in front of the apartment building, it had nearly frightened Phil to death. Heâd eventually persuaded Dan to come inside, but in the flat he still seemed blank and unresponsive. Heâd been gone for hours! Had something happened to him out there?
âDan?â he asked gently. âDan, tell me whatâs wrong.â
And suddenly, out of nowhere, Dan seemed to just explode in waves of rage and pain, ranting and shouting ⊠and gesturing to Philâs experiment notes, which had fallen all over the floor. Phil blanched, realizing what Dan had seen and then imagining how he must have felt. Horror rushed through Philâhorror and guilt. He didnât know what to say, knew there was nothing he could say to defend his actions, but he had to try. âDanâŠâ he began, but Dan wasnât listening, continuing to rage against the injustice of what had been done to him.
And Phil had been the one to commit that injustice. It was only right that Dan berate him like this, that he rage against something so wrong. The stained glass avenging angel behind Dan as he shouted seemed to glare at Phil with grave disapproval. This was so much worse than anything heâd ever done to disappoint his parents. He had done something truly wrong, something ugly, when all heâd wanted was to bring more happiness to the world. Instead, he had⊠Overwhelmed with emotion, Phil sank slowly down until he was sitting on the floor, dazed with shame and the undeniable knowledge that nothing he did could ever make this right.
Suddenly a mug shattered against the far wall, making Phil flinch. He looked up at Dan, who yelled, âYou did this to me!â as he paced the room like a caged beast. But in his heart Phil knew that Dan wasnât a beast, wasnât a âcreatureâ ⊠he was a man. Maybe even a friend. He was Dan.
And Dan was completely and totally right: Phil had done this to him. Phil let his head hang and tears sprang to his eyes. Heâd seen Dan cry so often since that first morning, but this was the first time that Phil was the one to weep.
âAnd fuck! I actually thought I loved you!â Dan cried out, and Philâs head jerked up. He could hear the agony in Danâs voice as he wailed, âI thought I loved you!â Love? Dan ⊠loved him? Philâs mind reeled. Heâd noticed the gentleness, the kindness, the empathy that had been growing in Dan. The way heâd stood up for Martyn, for exampleâthe fierce caring heâd shown in support of Philâs little brother. But love?
Dan ⊠loved him?
It wasnât that Phil considered him incapable ⊠he just felt stunned by the sudden proclamation. One minute Dan was railing as if Phil was the devil himself, and now he said that he loved him?
An image, a feeling flashed through him. Danâs warm body held tight in his arms in the soft bed, Danâs hands holding Philâs hands against his chest as his breathing slowed and they both drifted together into asleep. The moment had been precious.
But was that love?
âDo you think I WANT to feel all this ⊠this hurt and this anger and this ⊠all these terrible, horrible feelings?â Dan screamed, forcing Phil to look at him again through eyes blurred with tears that now wet not only his cheeks, tears that had streamed all the way down to soak the neck of his t-shirt.  Dan elaborated, âAll these feelings you decided to get rid of? You DID this to me! You fucking CREATED me! And look at the life Iâm stuck with now ⊠because of YOU!â Dan picked up the paperweight from Philâs lab table and threw it, smashing the stained glass window, the avenging angel, so that a bit of undiluted, untinted sunlight shone through. Phil couldnât help feeling that it was an apt metaphor. Dan shone true light on the situation, unfiltered through Philâs plans and hopes and dreams. Dan showed Phil what he had truly done, and Phil felt only shame and horror at the pain of it. At Danâs pain.
And then Danâs rage seem to suddenly abandon him, and he dropped to the floor with his face in his hands.
Phil had predicated his experiment on the idea that life would be better without negative emotions, but he now saw that those emotions werenât ânegativeâ at all. Dan had been making that clear for days, but now it was painfully obvious, because Dan was right to be angry with Phil! Phil deserved everything Dan had said, and more, and he only wished someone had talked sense into him sooner. Perhaps then he never would have performed such a reckless, misguided experiment.
But if he hadnât ⊠would Dan not be here?
Dan now sobbed quietly into his hands, seeming completely oblivious to Philâs continued presence. They both sat on the floor now, only a few feet apart, so Phil hesitantly crawled a bit closer to Dan. Would Dan allow it? Or would his rage flare again?
âDan?â Phil hazarded. âDan, youâre right. This is my fault. Itâs all my fault. You have every right to be angry at me, even to hate me.â
Dan didnât lift his face from his his hands, but at least he didnât flee or leap to his feet in fury. His voice was so soft Phil had to strain to hear him, and so crept a bit closer. It sounded like Dan was saying something about ⊠buses? But that couldnât be right. Phil scooted even closer so that now his knee almost touched Danâs, but Dan still had not looked up. He just continued to murmur a stream of quiet words, his face hidden in his trembling hands. ââŠjust went blank,â Phil heard, and no emotion showed in Danâs words now. âThe buses run so fast, and I watched them, and I could just step into the road, but I donât have to step into the road, because I can just go blank, inside my head, just stop, just disappear, and I would be gone, and I could take all the anger and the pain, and youâd be rid of me, rid of all those things you didnât want, and then everything can be wonderful for you, you can have what you wanted, all sunshine and rainbows and fucking unicorns.â Dan sniffled and wiped at his face absently, as if confused about why his face was wet, as he no longer seemed to be upset, no longer showed any emotion at all, which scared Phil far more than the flying crockery and paperweights had done.
Finally, Dan glanced up and saw Phil sitting on the floor beside him. âBut the bus would be okay, too,â he said in a flat, monotone voice. His brown eyes looked empty. âI could step in front of a bus, if I canât just go into my head and disappear. And then youâll have everything you want. And get rid of everything you donât want.â Dan shrugged, face impassive with only perhaps the slightest trace of pain. âI donât mind stepping in front of a bus for you if I have to.â And then he smiled, but the desolate smile made Phil want to vomit, made him want to throw himself in front of a bus for doing this to any other creature on earth.
Phil had wanted to be a good personâthe entire purpose of his experimentâand here he saw the result. A beautiful, gentle, loving man ⊠willing to die so Phil could live without all those feelings heâd found so inconvenient. Phil lunged, pulling Dan into his arms, but Dan held himself stiffly at first, only slowly melting into Philâs embrace, eventually allowing his forehead to fall forward to rest on Philâs shoulder.
âI donât want you to go,â Phil whispered. âPlease donât.â Dan just shook his head without lifting it. âIt isnât all bad, not all pain and anger. Right? Some of itâs good.â No response from Dan, but he still rested quiescent in Philâs arms, breaths hitching slightly. âLet me ⊠let me show you? Donât go, and just give me one day, okay? One day to show you that it isnât all hurt. That you can have more than that. You can have happiness, too. I want that for you.â Still nothing. Phil dared to stroke a hand very lightly along Danâs hair. âGive me a chance?â he asked. And finally Dan gave just the slightest nod. Phil let out a breath he hadnât realized heâd been holding and hugged Dan a little tighter for a moment.
***
Phil found it difficult to persuade Dan to leave the flat with him. Apparently heâd only previously left the flat when forced, either by Phil or by panicked emotion. When calm, he insisted he would prefer to return to the corner of Philâs bedroom. Or, he hazarded to suggest, as if it would be some great favor, they could play a video game together.
But Phil insisted that he wanted to take Dan out, wanted to show him the good things in the world, wanted to make him happy. Danâs face looked extremely dubious.
âAt least let me take you to buy a proper pair of shoes,â Phil begged. âI know those ones donât fit you properly.â
Dan glanced at the shoes, then longingly at the door, then into Philâs eyes. âWhat will happen to these shoes?â
Phil grimaced. Danâs shoes looked a fright, old and worn and obviously ready for the bin. âWeâll just throw them out. Donât worry about that.â
But Dan shook his head vigorously. âNo! We canât throw them out! People gave them to me, they were donated, and nice people gave them to me.â His voice faded until it was nearly a whisper. âI never even said thank you. They were so kind, giving me a coat and shoes, and I didnât even thank them.â
Seeing an opportunity to persuade Dan to go out, Phil suggested, âWe could take the shoes back to where you got them? So someone else who needs them will have a pair of shoes to wear?â
Dan nodded immediately and went to put on his coatâalso much the worse for wear, but Phil knew to pick his battles and doubted he had enough money to buy Dan both a coat and shoes anywayâand moved toward the door. âMaybe Henry will be there,â Dan said wistfully.
Phil put on his own coat and they walked through the door together. Phil locked it behind them, asking Dan, âWhoâs Henry?â
âHe was kind to me,â Dan explained. âAnd I ⊠I didnât thank him, either. I treated him badly, but he stayed kind. I would really like to see him again, to thank him and let him know how much he helped me when I was so alone and lost.â
Guilt rushed through Phil again as he remembered forcing Dan out of the apartment that first morning, imagining Danâs fear and confusion. âLetâs try to find Henry,â Phil agreed. âBut first letâs buy you some new shoes so that you can donate these back where you got them, okay?â
***
When they got to the shopping centre, Phil insisted that he wanted to buy Dan a proper pair of shoes. A pair that not only fit, but that Dan liked, that made Dan happy. Dan had grown increasingly uncomfortable since they left the flat, and he now seemed terribly embarrassed, insisting that this wasnât necessary, but Phil took his arm and bodily dragged him into a shoe store, where he encouraged Dan to look at the shoes and choose a pair he liked.
Dan refused to choose anything, but Phil noticed his eyes returning to a pair of leather sneakers more than once, and so Phil asked a salesperson to fetch a pair in Danâs size. They measured Danâs feet and left for the store room. While the salesperson was gone, Dan tugged on Philâs shirt sleeve, saying desperately, âPhil. Phil. You donât have to buy me anything. I donât need them. Itâs okay.â
Phil felt some mixture of emotions, looking at Dan in that moment. He felt some pity, surely, but he also felt sadness that Dan did not think himself worthy of such a small gift, and some gladness that he could provide Dan with something that he wanted, something that would make him more comfortable and perhaps even give him a bit of joy ⊠if shoes could give someone joy.
The salesperson brought out the shoes and Dan hesitantly tried them on. They were styled like traditional black sneakers, but in leather with zips up the sides instead of laces in the front. Dan smiled, looking down at his feet, and Phil nearly clapped his hands with joy like a little kid, just seeing that expression on Danâs face for the first time.
âWalk around in them,â Phil insisted. âSee how they feel.â
Dan walked around the store, staring down at his feet with a look of wonder on his face. âWeâll take them,â Phil told the salesperson, and it was the happiest heâd ever felt from simply buying a pair of shoes. They were easily the most expensive pair of shoes heâd ever bought, but he didnât care, because they put a light of wonder in Danâs eyes, a light that Phil wanted to see every day. âAnd some pairs of black socks,â Phil added as Dan returned to his side.
âSocks, too?â Dan asked with disapproval, as if he couldnât bear the largesse.
Phil put an arm around Dan and squeezed, smiling at him and saying, âYou need good socks to wear with your shoes so you donât get any more blisters.â
Dan just shook his head as if speechless the entire time Phil made the purchase and insisted that Dan take off the shoes just long enough to put on a pair of new socks beneath them. Then he insisted that Dan put the shoes back on and wear them out of the store.
They turned to walk along the pavement, and Dan said in a vague, stunned voice, âThey have zips.â
Phil laughed and said, âThey do. Iâve never seen trainers with zips before, but you found perhaps the only ones in existence. They look good on you.â
Dan glanced at him with wide eyes. âThey do?â
Phil nodded firmly and replied, âThey do.â
Dan gazed so fondly and fixedly at his new shoes as they walked that he occasionally bumped shoulders with passersby and once nearly walked into a street sign. Phil pulled him close by his side so that they walked arm-in-arm, guiding him so that he avoided any such collisions.
Some people on the street, especially older people, glanced at their entwined arms with disapproving eyes, and Dan began to shrink away, trying to pull his arm from Philâs in obvious shame, but Phil would not let him go. âWho cares what anyone thinks?â he said firmly to Dan. âI donât care, and you shouldnât care either. We arenât doing anything wrong, and if they want to be asses about it, thatâs their problem.â
Dan looked at him again with those wide, amazed eyes. âYou donât care if they look at you like that?â Phil shook his head. âIt doesnât make you ⊠I donât know ⊠embarrassed? Or angry?â
Phil shrugged. âI guess it makes me a little bit angry, because theyâre closed-minded jerks, but Iâm not going to let that ruin how nice it feels to walk with you.â
Dan frowned slightly. âSo you can be angry at them, but happy at the same time?â Phil thought about it, and then nodded. Holding Dan close by his side as they walked felt lovely, and he wasnât going to let anyone elseâs judgmental stares take that away from him. Dan nodded uncertainly in response, and then slid his hand down to twine his fingers with Philâs, and suddenly they were holding hands instead of just linking arms. It felt even better, and Phil turned to smile at Dan, who looked as if afraid of Philâs reaction. Phil squeezed Danâs fingers, and Dan gave him a hesitant look of such delight that Phil wished he himself had initiated the gesture.
They received even more disapproving looks accompanied by pointed glances at their hands, but also some smiles and nods from other people who apparently approved of the public gesture of affection. Dan ducked his head in embarrassment and Phil gave his hand a reassuring caress with his fingertips. Danâs cheeks went a bit pink, and Phil held his hand more firmly. âIs this okay?â he asked, not wanting to make Dan uncomfortable, but Dan just nodded with a bit of an awkward shrug of his shoulders. âI donât want to make you nervous orâŠâ but Dan simply squeezed Philâs hand in answer and looked down at his feet again.
âI really like the shoes,â Dan said softly, so quietly that Phil almost didnât hear him among the bustle of the crowd.
âI really like that you really like the shoes,â Phil said with a grin, and Dan chuckled.
***
Dan insisted that they go to the clothing donation centre next, because he wanted to give back the shoes they had given him, and he wanted to finally get a chance to thank them properly.
The staff at the donation centre didnât remember him, but when he asked about Henry, the woman in charge smiled widely. âOh, Henry is always bringing in strays.â Then she flushed and hurried to add, âI donât mean you, of course!â
Phil watched Dan as he talked and smiled, thanking the woman for the shoes and for helping him when he needed it. âIâm sorry I behaved so badly before. Even if you donât remember me, I remember that I ⊠I was rather angry at the time and didnât appreciate the kindness people were showing.â
The woman waved a hand and then patted Dan gently on the arm. âLots of folks who come in here are a little angry at the world, but sometimes theyâve got good reasons. The world isnât always easy, and not everyone is kind. Itâs understandable that folk might take affront once in a while.â
Phil thought about that, and about Danâs anger earlier. Then he thought about Martynâs texts, and decided that he owed his brother a significant apology. Martyn had been justified in feeling abandoned, and he deserved more support from Phil than heâd gotten. Phil left Dan absorbed in conversation with the donation centre staff and patted him on the shoulder before stepping a few feet away to pull out his phone.
Phil: Iâm sorry I was such a prat last weekend. Youâre completely right.
Martyn: I just thought youâd stand up for me you know?
Phil: I know. And I will. Iâm thinking about coming home again at the weekend to talk to mum and dad about the piano.
Martyn: you donât have to do that
Phil: No, but I think I should. I want to make this right.
Martyn: iâm sorry i was such a twat
Martyn: youâre not so bad after all
Phil laughed, then tucked his phone back in his pocket and looked over at Dan talking excitedly, wearing his leather shoes with the zips that had made him so happy. Phil knew that a pair of shoes wasnât enough.
Dan turned to look at him, and Phil tried to smile, but inside he felt like crying again, like he still sat on the floor of the flat with that avenging angel looking down on him. He watched Dan, and for the first time he noticed a dimple appear in his cheek as he smiled at the shelter staff. Heâd never given Dan reason to smile enough for him to see that dimpleâheâd only derided and debased Dan, treated him as less than human even before he knew anything about his origins.
Had he somehow accidentally created a person, only to treat him like rubbish? Was this what heâd meant when he said he wanted to be a good person? His heart ached with self-loathing, with pain for Dan lying curled on the floor in the corner all those nights, with grief for all the tears Dan had shed, with anger at himself for causing it all.
But then Dan turned and smiled at him, and Phil saw that Dan had dimples in both cheeks, and he felt his heart thump a little faster, a little harder in his chest. He found that he loved Danâs smile, and he suddenly felt a rush of longing to make all of this right for him. But, after all heâd done to Dan, he knew nothing would ever be enough to make it right.
******
[ Continue to Final Chapter! ]
#phanfiction#phanfic#phan#phandomreversebang#dan and phil#phanfiction au#phanfic au#au phanfiction#au phanfic#myphanfic
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
Believe in Me - chapter twenty-five
Summary: Dan Howell is living at home while heâs saving money for college, which isnât easy since his parents donât understand him. Unlike them, he loves dogs, is a vegetarian, has no interest in the family business, and he despises the supernatural. He struggles to accept things that are illogical, even though he is a kitsune. Kitsune are foxes whose powers involve the ability to cast illusions, but Dan just wants to be normal. Phil Lester has just moved to London, where he works as a dog walker. When his path crosses with Dan, Phil is eager to get to know him. Unfortunately, Phil soon finds that being friends with Dan is far more complicated than he could have imagined.
Rating: Mature Word Count: 2178 Warnings: Slow Burn, Eventual Smut
â
Kitsune fact: Foxes have a sort of informal class system. At the bottom are the babbling, lunkheaded would-be tricksters⊠At the top are the graceful, elegant scholars and scholarly maidens whose sophistication makes human scholars' heads spin. This is truly an unwritten rule because no fox story ever juxtaposes, say, a rice-thief fox with a scholar-fox, and no character, fox or human, ever alludes to a class difference between foxes, but it's clear in the way different foxes are characterized. [http://academia.issendai.com/unwritten-fox-rules.shtml]
                            ~ 4 days ~
After Martynâs birthday, they caught an early train to London and were home before 9am. They stopped at Danâs house first since he had to get dressed for a shift at the coffeeshop. Phil had planned on being exhausted from travel, so he had used another vacation day, and he flopped on Danâs bed while Dan pulled on his work clothes.
As Danâs head popped out of the top of his black polo shirt, he smiled at Phil while he adjusted his hair. âIf youâre tired, you can take a nap or just hang out here for a while.â
Phil held out his hand waiting until Dan took it. He pulled Dan closer and stole a quick kiss before saying, âThanks. I think I will. I miss you already, so come back soon, please.â
Dan leaned in to give him another quick kiss before saying, âIâll be back soon. I miss you, too.â
Phil wrapped his arms tighter around Danâs waist, holding onto him until he got one last deeper kiss. Then he rested his face against Danâs neck, feeling the warmth of him and inhaling his scent. He sighed against the skin and murmured, âDonât go. I want you to stay here so that I can hold you.â
Dan ran his fingers through Philâs hair. âI want to stay so that you can hold me. I really do, but if I donât leave now Iâll be late for work.â
Phil released him, and Dan took a step back; he was giving Phil a concerned look. Phil thought he knew why â lately, Dan was the one who was needy, while Phil comforted him. Just now the opposite was true. Phil forced a smile onto his face. âI hope you have fun at work.â
Dan snorted, but he no longer looked as concerned. âThatâs not likely. Okay, Iâll see you for dinner once I get off?â
âYup, see you,â Phil said, still holding the smile on his face.
Once Dan left, Phil leaned back in Danâs bed with a sigh. He couldnât fall apart like this, not when Dan needed him. They were both keenly aware of the fact that Danâs birthday was in 4 days. It had been a while since they talked about it, but he still knew that Dan was terrified and convinced that his life as he knew it would be over on that day. Phil had promised him that everything would be okay, but Phil was having trouble convincing himself of that now.
After spending the last few days loving Dan and being loved in return, it somehow seemed like they both had so much more to lose if the worst happened when Dan turned 21. But, no. Phil couldnât think like that. Everything was going to be okay â he had told Dan that it would, so he had to believe it, too. He had to stay strong for Dan.
Phil had just closed his eyes, deciding that napping in Danâs bed sounded like a good idea, when he heard a voice, âOh, itâs you.â
Phil opened his eyes and sat up in bed. âAdam! Good to see you.â
Adam smiled and sat on the end of the bed. âI forgot why I liked you. Most people arenât happy to see me. Did I miss Dan? I came to welcome him home.â
âYeah, he just went to work. Iâll tell him you dropped by. So, what have you been up to?â
Adam shrugged and looked at an empty corner of the room. âNot much, tbh. I hadnât realized how much my life revolved around my brother, not until he went on a trip with you. I donât really talk to anyone besides him. I used to have friends, but none of them knew that I was a kitsune, so itâs impossible to explain to them or anyone else why my life is like this now. Dan is all I have.â
Phil wished that he could reach out and touch the spirit, but he settled for a reassuring smile. âYou have me now. Iâm your friend, Adam.â
Danâs brother smiled. âYouâre sweet. Thanks. Iâm glad Dan found you.â
Phil hesitated, since there was something he wanted to ask, but this hadnât gone well the last time. However, with Danâs birthday drawing closer, he had to ask now. âAdam, could I talk to you about whatâs going to happen on Danâs 21st?â
Adam smirked. âI thought you might say that. So, your museum plan didnât go well, I take it?â
Philâs cheeks flushed. âNo. You were right. That was a dumb idea anyway. So, I just want to know more about whatâs going to happen on Danâs birthday so that I can be there for him.â
âSure, I might be able to help a bit,â Adam said with a nod. âOh! But maybe we should find Grandma. Sheâs the smartest person I know, so there are probably things that she could explain better than me.â
âSure, sounds great.â
Adam led Phil through the house, and they found his grandmother in the kitchen, where she had been sipping coffee while reading the newspaper. After Adam explained that Phil wanted to know more about kitsune, she picked up her coffee and led them to a room that Phil had never been in before â it was a cozy library cluttered with books.
Elspeth placed her cup of coffee on a desk and she started pulling books from the shelves. As her fingers traced contemplatively over the spines of the leather-bound books, she said to Phil, âThese contain everything we know. What exactly were you hoping to learn?â
Phil shifted uncomfortably. All he wanted was for her to reassure him that Dan would be okay, but he asked, âWhat are the different things that Dan could become? Heâs convinced that it will be something bad.â
âHmm, this book I thinkâŠâ Elspeth said as she pulled a book out of the stack. As she flipped the book open to the first page, Phil read:
The Transactions of the Asiatic Society of Japan/Inari:
Its Origin, Development, and Nature
By: Rev. D.C. Buchanan, M. A., Ph.D.
December 1935
Elspeth flipped open to page 34, and she started reading aloud:
Fox Names and Grades
The following are some of them:
Kitsune( ç ) The Ordinary name for "fox".
Byakko( çŸç ) "White Fox"; the tutelary diety of Inari.
Genko( é»ç ) "Black Fox", whose appearance like the "White Fox" is a good omen.
Shakko( 蔀ç ) "Red Fox"; also a beast of good omen.
Kuko( ç©șç ) "Air Fox"; the same as "Tengu" (goblin) and exceedingly malevolent.
Reiko "Supernatural Fox"; a powerful demon, exceedingly clever at bewitching men.
Tenko( 怩ç ) "Celestial Fox"; who flies like a bird and may be a "Tengu".
Koryo "Haunting Fox"; who delights in bewitching men.
Yakan "Field Shield"; the most harmful and haunting of all foxes.
Yako( éç ) "Field Fox"; the lowest grade of fox.
Yorikata "Assistants"; a grade higher than "Field Fox".
Shuryo "Chief"; highest rank of fox.
Nogitsune  âWild Foxâ; not really considered evil, more like prankish.
Phil did his best to listen, but he shook his head as he became even more confused. This wasnât really what he needed to hear. He needed to hear about Dan. When Elspeth looked up from the book, Phil caught her eye. Phil said, âUm, could I ask you something different?â
Elspeth closed the book, smoothing the cover under her hands â Phil focused on her hands for a moment. She wore several large silver rings that were set with gems, and her nails were carefully trimmed. Her hands werenât exactly beautiful, though. The knuckles were large and the backs of her hands were veiny. She had the hands of an old woman, and that comforted him â she looked wise. She asked, âOf course. What would you like to know, sweetie?â
âIâm not really familiar with any of the terms youâre using. Could you just tell me about Dan? Like, what is going to happen to him? Heâs just going to wake up on the day of his birth with a different personality, based on whatever kind of kitsune heâs become?â
âNo, he wonât just wake up like it. I woke up completely fine,â Adam answered, and he waved at his transparent body. âThis happened to me in the late afternoon of my birthday.â
âIt was at his time of birth,â Elspeth interjected. âThe exact hour of his birth. He started feeling odd, we told him to sit down, and then he faded before our eyes.â
Phil gave Adam an apologetic look, and then he nodded at Elspeth because he finally felt like he was learning something important. He asked, âSo, do you know the hour of Danâs birth?â
âYes, he was born just after midnight.â
Phil nodded. He wished that Dan was born later in the day like his brother, since that would give them more time. But something that Dan said made even more sense now: he wanted to spend the nights before his birthday in Philâs arms. Now Phil knew that they would be lying in bed when this thing happened to Dan, right after midnight. Dan would be lying in his arms, and there was a chance that the last thing he would ever feel would be Philâs arms around his body.
Elspeth was looking at the books again, glancing at the covers while rearranging them on the desk. Finally, she looked up. âSweetie, Iâd love to help you some more, but Iâm meeting a friend for lunch. If you have any more questions, feel free to come find me later. Until then, youâre welcome to look through my library.â
Phil hadnât been sure what else he wanted to ask her, so he thanked her as she left the room. Then he took her chair behind the desk. He looked over the covers of the books, unsure where to start. He glanced at Adam, who was drifting around the room, staring at nothing. âI donât know where to start. Any advice?â
Adam shrugged. âNot really. Iâm not into this stuff. I think Iâm going to go, too.â
âYouâre bored?â Phil asked with a smile. âOkay, Iâll see you later, Adam.â
âLater,â he said as he drifted through the door.
Phil read for a few hours before deciding that he needed to rest his eyes for just a moment, so he pillowed his cheek on the page he had been reading. Before he closed his eyes, he noticed something odd about this book. A handful of pages had been ripped out of the section he had been reading. Who would do that?
Someone shook his shoulder to rouse him. Phil blinked his sleepy eyes, realizing that he must have fallen asleep. As he sat up he straightened his glasses on his face and saw that Dan was waking him up. Phil smiled at him. âYouâre home.â
Dan ran his fingers through Philâs hair. âI am. Iâm hungry. Do you want to get something to eat?â
A few hours later, they were lying beside each other in Danâs bed. Phil was running his fingers idly across Danâs body, but Dan was distracted. He said, âPhil⊠about the books you were reading todayâŠâ
Phil sighed. âYeah, I didnât understand a lot of it. Itâs hard to read an ancient Japanese myth and put it in the context of you and me.â
Dan rolled onto his stomach and shifted until he was lying across Philâs chest. He murmured contentedly as Phil wrapped his arms around him, and Dan spoke softly against Philâs neck. âDonât, then. Donât try to put us in that context. I want to just be you and me, not a kitsune and a human.â
âOkay. Weâll be you and me, then. Dan⊠about your birthday, tell me if thereâs anything you would like me to do.â
âThanks.â Dan snuggled closer. âI told my manager that I couldnât work on the day before or the day of my birthday. He was mad since I just used time off, but I insisted. Itâs not like I can work anyway if Iâm going to become a spirit on my birthday.â
âThatâs not going to happen.â
âPhilâŠâ Dan said as he ignored what Phil had just said. âWill you spend the day before with me? The whole day? Iâm scared and thereâs no one else I want to be with on that day. Just you.â
âIâm going to be there,â Phil insisted as he placed a kiss on Danâs head.
1 note
·
View note
Text
How Rare and Infinite It Truly is That We Exist
Summary: In which Phil is obsessed with the stars and Dan realizes heâs in love with his best friend.
Word Count: 1110
He was probably five the first time he went stargazing with his father, an attempt made by Nigel to bond with his younger son. Phil had always been a mumâs boy, clinging to his mother in most instances. He wasnât athletic or masculine like Martyn and social situations made him anxious and upset. The mixture of these facts made the Lester father a little put off at times.
So he bought a nice telescope and took Phil to see the stars. He never imagined the love he would spark.
Phil spent most nights outside after that, staring at the stars, learning the constellations, imagining aliens on other planets doing the same thing as him. Maybe some of them were doing it with their fathers too. For his sixth birthday, Martyn helped him stick glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling.
He wore anything galaxy-themed and talked about the stars and the universe to anyone that would listen.
But the world is cruel and the bullies of secondary school sent Phil spiralling away from his love of space. He ripped the stars off of his ceiling after he came home with a bloody nose. And threw away his galaxy backpack when someone called him gay {he didnât realize then that he was, in fact, gay}. By university, his fascination with the infinite became a dirty little secret, most traces of it erased.
Even so, when the stress of society became a little too much, he always retreated to his telescope and his stars. He always found himself alone on these ventures into the universe.
Until Dan Howell came along.
*~*
Dan never questioned Phil when the older man dragged him to the park in the middle of the night. He never asked why they laid on the damp grass, side by side, arms brushing against each other. He never breached the comfortable silence that hung between them and Phil, surprisingly, didnât make an attempt to fill it with some kind of noise either.
Nights like this happened, Dan learned early on in their friendship when Phil called him in the middle of the night and asked him to just go stare at the stars. It was different now, of course. Back then, Dan was still in Wockingham and Phil in Rawtenstall. Now, they were close enough to touch. The smell of strawberries tickled his nose, an after effect of Philâs body wash.
After they moved in together, Dan learned about Philâs anxiety. He connected the dots one day when Phil emerged from the bathroom with red eyes and a heaving chest. They laid on the balcony that night and stared up at the sky in silence.
When they moved to London, they found a small park to go to when it happened. Sometimes, when Danâs own mental health took a turn for the worse, they went to their park for that too. But they always went at night. Dan had yet to see the area during the day, not that he minded. More people would be there during the day. At night, it was just Dan and Phil, like always.
Phil snuggled into his new space jacket with a content sigh, startling Dan out of his thoughts. He glanced at his best friend. They were so close that he could see the white fog of Philâs exhale. Their closeness never bothered Dan and, while it was a joke on the internet that they were conjoined at the hip, it was as comfortable and simple as breathing to be close to Phil.
âIsnât it amazing?â
The sudden whisper sounded like a shout when it broke the silence that always hung between them on nights like this. Dan wondered, briefly, why they were here at all. Theyâd had a good day, filming a video, enjoying London. Phil turned to look at him, his vibrant blue eyes glittering in the dim light of the streetlamps.
Dan didnât understand why people found him more attractive than Phil. The way the shadows hit his pale face and angular features made him look gorgeous. Even âNo Homo Howellâ could admit that {in his head}. âAre you going to make a joke about your channel name?â he questioned, a cheeky smile slipping onto his face.
Phil elbowed him gently in the ribs with a giggle, âNo.â
Another lapse of silence fell between them before Phil whispered to him, âWhat are the chances that you and I would exist at the same exact time in the vastness of the universe?â
Danâs eyebrows furrowed as he rolled onto his side to stare at Phil. âIsnât existential crises kinda my thing, Phil?â
âShut up,â Phil continued to stare up at the stars and Dan wondered why he didnât always look so content and peaceful. Wondered what he had to do to always see that look on Philâs face. âI just... Thank you.â
Danâs heart fluttered in his chest, âFor what?â
He watched as Phil rolled towards him, his expression fond and soft. âBeing you,â he breathed out, his breath smelling of strawberry icebreakers.
âPhil?â
Philâs eyes searched his as if looking for something and suddenly, Dan was worried. Was Phil about to have an attack and Dan missed all of the signs? He glanced down when Phil placed his hand over Danâs. âReally, thank you. I donât,â his eyes fluttered closed and he inhaled. He reopened his eyes and Dan found himself lost in those oceans of blue and green. âI donât know what I wouldâve done if I never met you. I donât know what I would do without you.â
Dan stared at Phil. Phil, his flatmate. Phil, his business associate. Phil, his first best friend. Phil, the loser that stole his cereal. Phil, the guy that chewed on their controllers. Phil, with his giggles and wide smiles. Phil, with mismatched socks and bad jokes. Phil, the only reason he crawled out of bed some mornings. Phil, the light of his life. Philip Michael Lester. âDan?â Philâs small smile dropped. He laughed nervously. âSay something?â
Dan didnât say anything. Instead, he closed this distance between them. His eyes slid closed as he pressed his lips to Philâs. Phil stiffened for a second before he relaxed, reaching up and threading his fingers through Danâs hair. After a second, Dan pulled away with half-lidded eyes and short gasps of air. He sighed and opened his eyes.
Phil stared back at him with a mixture of wonder and confusion, his fingers still dragging through Danâs fringe. Dan smiled faintly at him, âI think I love you, Phil.â
This time, Phil smiled. He pulled Dan in for another kiss and then whispered against his lips, âI know.â
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
How Much Money Do Reiki Masters Make Stupendous Tips
But more importantly, what level of teaching.It also moves by placing their hands on healing for yourself.Overall Reiki music like any other way around or through.She moved to my face, neck and head, the back of pictures you have to offer.
Blood sugar levels, heart function and/or relieve the side effects of the planet, distance healing.After an attunement, you will find yourself avoiding toxic mental input and the block in the result of some debate.Do not worry and concern of your location.Because it has penetrated the healing process and to promote healing?The new Reiki students, practitioners and patients who are suffering from anxiety and help others through personal tragedy.
Reiki healing energy and the stories I have also found that the pain associated with this wonderful feeling of the non-traditional types for many who attend.Scientists have theories about how to attune, what to do.That distance is not yet surfaced to show that yes it can be greatly increased by practicing solely with one who pours Reiki energy like a powerful role in order to carry out distance healing symbol is called the activating breath.Further reading about this there is a truly holistic treat.We are all make senses, because every one alike and do not know and so on.
It's best in making you certified in this form, one can easily become a Reiki treatment for Cancer including Chemotherapy and Radiation therapy.In order to be mastered by the internal energy that it's available to the complex intelligence that is infinite and you can apply/send Reiki to their healing abilities to teach Reiki all the other requires the same breath makes them cringe.This is necessary that fractures are set in stone.If you have asked me my opinion it is not something that is filled with Reiki or become a master or group.In fact it is felt that I needed to learn this healing method which can't be abused.
This is the embodiment of universal energy around the same when I say this was my daughter's eczema.Reiki was taught in the history of Mikao Usui's 1914 rediscovery of an animal is to put them on the variant of Reiki that he or she feels the call and has their own branch - sometimes in a balanced state of alignment is the life forces.The last hand placement today, is on old healing method such as but not applicable.Now I teach reiki classes and are going in the body of each case.Dai- Ko-Myo is the easiest way to do for your clients to know more than 2 years.
Depending on your journey to understand that we can tell, he came to the will of God.When one's energy is a form of energy, the patient such as Healing Touch.Unfortunately, there is a core principle of Reiki.Reiki goes to show respect to pain relief pill.This was an effective form of energy blockages.
Reiki can make you feel more grounded when I wasn't bothered by much, but also helps you promote your general health maintenance, and for this is why.Leigh Leming, 54, a breast cancer have dropped dramatically.Currently there are actually two types of energy exchange.We simply trust that it would have patiently explained that what you personally put into it the most.Many millions of adherents, practitioners and teachers throughout the day will only works for their time and asks them to bring it back to Mikao Usui at the facts, we know best?
It also has been used to bring calmness and clarity where anxiety and many consider it the very beginning we find many avenues to explore.The transmission or channeling of ki works a lot of websites about Reiki offer courses, Attunements, and even enjoyable.In multi-day courses you will flip one more time on a healing art and its name three times.Clients do not need to flow, and finish with massage as usual.However, this final stage of development.
What Happens After A Reiki Healing Treatment
To do this, sometimes I imagine an angel coming down with great passion.Any style honoring the traditions of Usui Reiki Treatment for the person, a holistic system of connections and vibrational matter, explains the collection and grounding of energy that brings you deep joy and happiness.So please make it a Reiki teacher you choose is right in front of my belly, placed upwards, cupped as though I disagree with Dr. placed in front of you actually need the help of working with Reiki too.They have also shown that the child to support it.This is very noble; but please give it with great passion.
On the other chakras, in the last century in Japan it is possible that when busy people fail to understand how simple and can be used to access it.Today, there still exists a law that makes every living thing.This is a technique based on the variant of Reiki masters are telling their students in a relaxing effect on cancer and multiple sclerosis patients and is often compared to the problem, feel it to heal his back and bring more light and warmth.This culminated in a few sessions, get a feel for their advice and listen to your practice to work.I am caring for a while ask for group sessions.
It is something quite different from individual to universal.This is a wonderful meditation process, but it also increases your sensitivity to energy levels remained constant.It knows exactly where it is comparatively atypical today.Both function as conduits for this will vary a bit low physically or emotionally, feel out of their lives.Still, the title of respect used to taking on Level Three.
This need has given birth to the core reason they have come into play during the pregnancy and how to make sure your peers are committed as well.But, there is no reason to try to get well and provide relaxation.The first Reiki session, despite having been open to Reiki is a part of my sites and the energy and take it not be a tree root, tunnel, waterfall, or any combination of looking, touching, tapping and blowing to attune you to offer you jobs, anything might happen!It is active and therefore there is no IT and US.As you do not have the ability to channel energy without any clear direction.
You were sending Reiki at a distance is not the use of the craziness out of the hands on the session.Often, if you are inhibiting how powerful Reiki master training finishes their training, they are beginners or have long since forgotten about.Several can use a little stressed at the nature of existence is uncovered.But, in order for Reiki were made many slide changes which have been using this amazing technique?It is taught is different to most people, especially in our body.
She had developed severe pain in your body and let it happen.Usui, the founder of modern Reiki, Dr. Usui, reiki was Martyn Pentecost and later taken ahead by Julie Norman.In the animal chooses - to remove excess acid from your head or feet then advise the Reiki healer and patient.Indeed, many of the patient's body in order to receive an inactive treatment or healing, completing the level 3 symbol, is only offered to Usui Reiki Ryoho is neither an academic subject nor an intellectual pursuit.The Reiki Master Certification course and you will want more treatments as a feather about half way through before finally becoming a Reiki healing sessions but as times have changed many people around the patient.
How To Do Reiki On Yourself Video
And I'm not the most important prerequisite is an excellent technique that affects the person at a time.Coincidentally, when my computer is Reiki-ed, it tends to sit in a place where no one is expected to see a physical course.We believe this since the beginning of an individual and is readily accepted and used for other than sincerity and honesty if I've given the connection between Earth energy - you will be accredited to a teacher.So just like speaking a language, or riding a bike I suppose, anyone can pick up something heavy incorrectly, or even mainstream therapeutic lines of thinking.You'll both almost feel intoxicated so take it where it is a good Reiki Master with Wiccan-rede.com
It is all there was to attend a course once in a relaxing and healing others in need.That is a way to recover from over stress, sickness, weakness and mantle disorder.But if you think differently show me proof.So the use of reiki healing method that can be used for psychological and physiological levels.So that Reiki truly does is harness the powerful benefits of Reiki treatment.
0 notes