#imagine k rating all the alien emojis

[radramblog]

Rating the letters of the alphabet

I feel like part of my style of comedy is just rambling about shit and making loose connections between things as part of an overall bit. I think. I’m no expert on myself, unfortunately.

The inspiration for the following absolute load of shite is trying to search Tiermaker for nothing. Like, no characters in the search bar. Didn’t come up with anything. Did a search for just a space. No dice. What about just a? Surely that’ll bring up everything with an A in the title. But it didn’t, and I was somewhat disappointed.

Then my head started writing bits about letters and that’s how we got here. This is probably really stupid, but maybe it’ll at least be fun. Wordplay is cool, though maybe not my strong suit? Anyway.

A: A is one of the two letters that’s also just a word, as you’ve just seen, giving it a necessary promotion in rank. Not a lot of things get to double up like that, though with the “an” ligature maybe it’s actually a double or nothing. But because of the confusing common connection crossing contexts for the character, it gets somewhat awkward to talk about the letter in conversation. An A, in my opinion, A does not get. 4/5.

B: B is also just a word letter but unlike A when you write it out you have to stick a few extra letters on to make it work, making it not as good. But B’s association with bees isn’t enough, because in the year of our lord, like, 2019 or something, it would become inextrixably linked with shite memes as the B emoji became king. And I just don’t respect that. It’s otherwise a fine letter, dragged down by its company. 2/5.

C: Oh come on now, the word doesn’t even have a C in it anymore! You can sea the see without any of our tertiary letter’s involvement whatsoever. Not to mention how its two main sounds are just copies from other letters wholesale. C must be confusing to non-english speakers, I’d imagine. C as a grade gets what C as a grade typically entails for many a schoolchild. 3/5.

D: It would be remiss of me not to give a sterling grade to the D. Why, none of us would be here without it. While many a youth may find the D to be quite a humourous subject, I assure you I’m taking it with the gravest of sincerity when I say the D has got to be one of the best letters of all.

And by D I mean deity, of course. Wait, what did you think I meant? 5/5.

E: The absolute absurdity that is the E meme elevates E efficiently enough to excel beyond many another vowel. However, it is also the single most common letter in the English language, going so far as to open the damn name. It’s to the point where someone made a point of writing an entire book without using it, and I think Gadsby is cool but mayhaps avoiding fifth uncial was a bit showy. I can’t help but mark it down for the sake of hipster cred. 3/5.

F: F is for Fuck. I like the word Fuck. F is for paying respects. I think the military-industrial complex has poisoned our cultural landscape to the point that a reference to one of its most prized productions’ awkward moments has become one of the most colloquially used meme letters in existence, And That’s Terrible. 3/5, I’m conflicted.

G: Man literally who the fuck cares about G. What is it even good for. Just an absolute waste of a letter, total shithouse. It’s NATO equivalent is Golf, the Worst Sport, too. Who asked for any of this? Just use a J instead, it’s cooler. 1/5.

H: I’ve seen “Hhh” used enough times in written forms of pornography to not consider it a Horny Letter. That and it, being short for Hentai, is often used to denote adult material in Japan. Basically what im saying is, I think this gets worse the less sex-positive you are. 6/9.

I: I think I’ve said enough about letter words already, but I is another high-tier one because like A I is just it’s own thing. It can also, however, be a bit confusing, looking just like an l a lot of the time, and having to constantly capitalise it is a pain in the ass. I also don’t have a particularly high opinion of myself, so a high opinion of I seems disingenuous. 3/5.

J: Clearly the best letter, hands down. I’m definitely not biased. There are so few letters as underappreciated by J- a fact many a person who’s had to do that “assign yourself an alliterative adjective” icebreaker game has had to reckon with. Because it appears to be a lot more popular with names than with words, and that just kind of sucks. 6/5.

K: K has in some circles managed to bump off its partner to become yet another letter word, though in a very informal abbreviated sense. However, when you’re looking into scientific fields, eventually said partner returns, having lost some weight on the trip down to absolute zero. This all makes complete sense in my head, and I’m sure is a lot less funny to anyone who doesn’t live there. 4/5.

L: I’d argue that L doesn’t cop its namesake. It’s a really useful letter, loads of words use it, especially in pairs, and my ADHD-brain thought it was fun to just say LLLLLLLLLLL for a bit while I was thinking about this so I guess that’s staying in now. Put me down as an L Lobbyist. 4/5.

M: Mmmmmm. M&Ms. But also it’s kind of a pain to write. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. 3/5.

N: I’d like to fight whoever decided we should have two letters that sound so similar right bloody next to each other in the alphabet. Actually, who the fuck even decided the alphabet’s order to begin with? Maybe it should go M to N, that’ll bloody show you. 2/5.

O: Our fourth vowel, and perhaps one of the underappreciated ones. O is similarly a letter word, but a much more common one considering its use as an interjection. It’s also one half of a very powerful letter combo, as we’ll see. 4/5.

P: There’s the other half. Many a joke involves OP as a phrase, whether it mean overpowered or original poster, and the letters’ adjacency is a lovely bit of serendipity. Whenever I say P out loud, on its own, I have to resist the urge to do some incredibly shitty beatboxing, which may or may not be a good sign. 4/5.

Q: I was going to write some very harsh words about Q, and its dependency on U, but then I realised that that is probably hate speech against the disabled. It still sucks, though. 0/5.

R: R is the one I am most struggling to think of things to say about. R is another letter that’s just kinda there. I’m sure the Roberts and Rachels of the world would disagree with me, though. It’s also the name of a program that I know has traumatised a lot of young biologist wannabes, slapping us with a whole pile of maths and statistics when we just wanted to look at cool plants and shit. Or in my case, cool cells and shit. 2/5.

S: The most overrated consonant, but also the thing that makes plurals not a pain in the ass. However I’m going to lean towards giving S a positive rating, if only because it’s associated with snakesssss (and serpentine characters who can talk) and I like those. 3/5.

T: I don’t think T gets enough credit as one of the pillars of the English language. A lot of very common words feature it, and yet it feels like it never gets the same level of credit as big shots like S or half of the vowels. T is like the character actor of the alphabet, is basically what I’m saying. 4/5.

U: Ah, the letter Americans hate for some reason. I think this is actually commentary on the history of American politics. Because throughout history, America has been extremely selfish and self-centered, while attempting to present a positive image that people are finally seeing past. They only entered WWI and WWII when it was convenient for them, they started wars and initiated coups in even their allies for petty ideological reasons, and they’ve gone to war with several countries and funded wars with several others seeming just for shits and giggles. Because apparently if you’re not an American, then you’re not one of them, and that means they hate U. 4/5.

V: I actually think V is underrated. It’s a fun sound. That’s it, no joke here. It’s neat, I like it. 4/5.

W: This may come as a shock to you, but double-u over here is actually two Vs! unless you’re writing in cursive, but fuck cursive. The French actually have it right on this one, naming it double-v (pronounced doobleh-vay). Add in the fact that it’s literally just M upside down, and you’ve got a pretty shite letter. 1/5.

X: There’s a reason literally every “A is for Apple” thing you see made for kids uses Xylophone for X, and that’s because there are no commonly used words that start with it. Seriously, it’s all just scientific terms- I’d argue X-Ray is more common than Xylophone in common parlance, but also, who wants to explain imaging to a kid. It doesn’t even get a second page of words on Dictionary.com. X also has implications as a letter word, that I’d rather avoid at the moment. 2/5.

Y: Ah, Ygreck, everyone’s favourite ���what the fuck, France?” moment. Between that and being sorta kinda not really a vowel, Y prompts its own question more often than I’d care to admit. 2/5.

Z: As a (technical) member of the generation associated with this letter- on the one hand, I’m sorry, on the other, y’all have it coming. The final letter of the alphabet, one of the other ones worth 10 in scrabble (and yet X isn’t???), and one we probably got pretty sick of in the early 00s when it was everywhere- ironically, when most of the generation was getting born. 2/5.

And that’s the lot of them. I hope this didn’t alienate any non-English speakers too hard. It’s probably fine.

Join me for more bullshit next time I have another stupid idea. I mean, tomorrow.

[jiminandlemonade-blog]

Penpals / Don’t Leave Me - Part 4

Jimin:  

Series: Fluff/minor angst  

New to the series? Part 1

Missed the last chapter? Part 3

You honestly weren't ready. You didn't want your heart to explode or your mouth to gape open when you saw him on the screen. That is, if he looks anything like he did in the picture he sent you. It was a Saturday so no school. A prime opportunity for you to both talk for a while. You had your laptop sitting open, an orange juice and a bowl of cereal next to you that your father had just brought up for you.  

You were browsing the internet whilst eating your breakfast and came along a video ad for an acting audition 20 miles away from you next week. It was to play a role in a small drama series and the description fitted you perfectly. "I could do this!" You thought, but sighed when you realised that your lack of confidence would hold you back. You couldn’t stop thinking about it though when scrolling through the internet some more. The idea of this audition was playing on the back of your mind.

You walked downstairs with your glass and bowl once you were finished your breakfast and heard a 'ping' come from your laptop when you were half way up the stairs. You started running as fast as you could to reach your laptop. Your legs taking control of every action you were making. 

Park Jimin: Y/N, are you ignoring me?

He sent a laughing emoji too, knowing he was only joking.

Because your laptop was open, you've been online on Skype this whole time..  

Y/N: Sorry Jimin! I've just woke up and had my breakfast. I'm quickly going to get ready and then we can Skype  

Why did you just type that? You knew you didn't want to do it in case you got lost in the eyes of those who belonged to Park Jimin but in the moment, you didn't care, you just wanted to see him, the real him.  

You had been ready for about 5 minutes and you were questioning every decision you were about to make. You really felt something deep for him and couldn't put into words what you were feeling, why or even how. You had only ever contacted him via letter or through Facebook Messenger!

Your head and heart were giving you conflicting ideas, where-as your hands very eager to see him. Before you knew it, your hand was reaching out to your laptop and clicked the video call button. "No turning back now" you thought to yourself, knowing that you would look idiotic if you were to cancel the call.  

Within a matter of seconds, Jimin answered the call. "I mean, what's the point in a Skype call if all you're going to show me is your wall?" You giggled, noticing the darkness of his room. "No, I'm here" he answered in slightly broken English, "I just like to lie in the dark and my screen brightness turned all of the way down". That's exactly what you did. He was just like you. "How about, for me, you turn a light on or turn the brightness up a bit?" You chuckled, watching his hand make it's way over to the brightness button of his laptop and his face getting brighter to the point the screen was just all white. He finally corrected the brightness so that he didn’t resemble Caspar. 

He was gorgeous. Even more beautiful than you expected. He was wearing a black and royal blue check shirt open with a black tee underneath and his hair was jet black. You could hear your heartbeat and felt as though you could feel it at the back of your throat, it was that powerful. You both seemed to be looking in awe at eachother, like none of this was real.  

"So," you started, trying to break the silence, "I thought you said you weren't very good at speaking English?" You questioned, realising that what he had said so far was quite good for somebody who called themselves 'satisfactory'. He giggled. "I'm okay at it I guess. But I really need to think about what I'm saying" he replied. You could tell. He would pause after a few words and raise his eyebrow to try and pluck the word from his head. You found it adorable.

Before you knew it, the Skype conversation was already an hour in and you both had been talking about absolute nonsense. Big Bang, K dramas, food, the possibility of alien life.. All sorts. No matter the topic, you could feel yourself falling harder. You wanted to get out of it, but didn't at the same time.

"You seem to like cryptic messages" you said, leading off on a new topic of conversation and talking about Jimin's CD. You were also trying to take your mind off your racing heart. "Yes, I do. I thought you would too" he smiled, gazing back at you. "You're right. It's weird how much you seem to know about me" you replied back, wondering how he seemed to second guess you. "I know, it's weird for me too. I just get these feelings about things I think you'd like and I seem to be right all of the time" he replied, winking at you. That wink. It sent you to hell heaven and back.  

The conversation carried on for a while longer when you heard a 'ping' coming from your Facebook messenger that was open in another browser. You went to click on your browser and before you could even realise what was happening, the video ad for the acting role started playing in the background. "Please, don't hear that" you prayed to yourself.  

"Acting, huh?" He smiled. He heard. "I thought you weren't going to pursue that?" He questioned. "I was browsing the internet this morning and I just found it. I honestly wasn't looking for any acting jobs. I seem to fit the role perfectly. It seems like fate. I'm just not confident enough.." You trailed off. He smiled at you and seemed to be attacking your every being with questions radiating from his face. "Why have you got the tab still open then, if you're not going to open it? He questioned, not realising what his gaze was doing to you. It was as if you were being put into a trance.

"Um, I, honestly. I don't know" you sighed back after a few minutes of gawping at him. "I tell you what Y/N. Let's make a pact. You want me to go on auditions, yes?" He asked. You replied with a nod of the head. "Okay then, so you told me to go for dancing and singing auditions. How about, for every acting audition you go on, I will go for an audition?". He looked nervous saying those words. A complete stranger was willing to put his own personal embarrassment and fear on the line for you, so that you could follow your dreams. Why didn't he live closer?

How was it that you had never met him but had every faith in him? How was it that he could easily be lying about going to auditions himself but you somehow knew he wasn't? How was it that he made your heart rate increase every time he said your name?

"Just don't leave me if I fail, because I probably will" you laughed, lowering your head. "If you think like that, you'll never succeed" he replied. Jimin was full of inspirational quotes and you liked it.  

You both spoke more about upcoming auditions and you still had doubts lingering above your head but Jimin was trying to put them at ease. "Why not make your dreams your number one priority and then language and linguistics your back up plan?" He soothed, seeing you getting worked up at the thought of all your hard work at school not mattering anymore.  

It got to the point where you could see Jimin was exhausted. "Jimin, really, you can leave. It's fine. I don't want to make you tired" you confessed, staring back at his bloodshot eyes. "I don't want to go but I should" he said with a half-smile. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, yeah?" He asked, as if it was even a question. "Of course" you smiled back, not wanting him to leave either.  

You said your goodbyes and the call ended. Your whole body was in overdrive. Your head was doing that thing where you imagine so many different scenarios all at once and you wanted all of the nice ones to come true. Your heart was only just starting to return to its normal pace until you started thinking about him again. You then realised something..

Y/N: Wait

When are you going to go for your audition?

You completely forgot to ask him. The conversation was all encompassing on you and you didn't even ask Jimin anything about his audition plans. You felt bad that the whole audition conversation seemed to only focus on you. You could seem him starting to type as you went to close the lid of your laptop so quickly opened it again.

Park Jimin: I hoped you weren't going to ask that

But um

It's tomorrow

An open casting call for a dancer in a music video

I was going to tell you tomorrow after it was done

To give you the courage to go next week

I only found out about this audition today too

I really do think it's fate

Y/N: JIMIN

IT'S 2AM OVER THERE

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME

YOU SHOULD BE ASLEEP

Park Jimin: Don't worry

I run better on less sleep

I think it's all of the coffee I intake

I best be off if I want to make it to the audition

Wish me luck?

Y/N: Good Luck Park Jimin

You'll do amazing

I lo---

You backspaced what you had just wrote. Why did you just type that? It's like your hands took over you again. You couldn't be feeling this way. Could you? You shouldn't be feeling this way. Should you?

You slumped back into the fluffy pillows on your bed. The pyjamas you had changed into midway through the skype call started to make you very warm. "What is he doing to me?" You sighed. You eyed the CD of him dancing on your dresser drawer. "I can play it one more time, can't I?" You thought to yourself.

Part 5