#im.. a cold person....... i thrive in summer

[1waveshortofashipwreck]

Hiii my love, can I ask for a ship? Sorry if it’s long or formatted wrong, thank you in advance 🫶🏼🫶🏼

I’m a female (she/her) , i have big heart, i’m funny, I like to relax, and I can be a bit of a grandma sometimes when it’s just me around the house, but otherwise i’m quite energetic . I love to chill and listen to music. I can have a bit of a short temper at times (I just think it’s because I don’t put up with peoples bs LMAO), I can also be very stubborn, i’m very loyal, like VERY loyal and I will always stick up for the people i love and go above and beyond to make the people around me happy. (which I think that can also lead me to being hurt or misused by friends)

I can be a little emotional at times, maybe a little dirty minded too lol, i love to cook, i’m a dog lover (really just an animal lover at that), and i’m competitive and passionate. I’m a very driven person and if it’s something I want to do i’ll make SURE it gets done. I Make up my own rules and I don’t give into unfair ideas that are put up around me. I lead with my heart and my emotions and if that gets me into trouble then so be it. i also LOVE scary movies, true crime, all that stuff, i’m also a SUCKER for reality tv 😭 (tlc does have some good drama though)

I would say I’m charming and it’s more of my words and my smile that gets the guys. I’m a bit of a germaphobe and maybe little ocd. Imma southern gal who’s very short, (5.0) I think I have more of an innocent look (despite my wild attitude LMAO) I have big brown eyes, wavy light brown hair, big lips, only like a couple light freckles on my nose ( you can see them better in the summer) , button nose, and an olive skintone that has paled over time, I would say I have more of a petite/hourglass figure but I think my chest is what catches people’s eyes (Im a size DD LOL) I have high standards, I can be very sympathetic, and I also can usually tell when people are in pain or when their vibe is off in general. I usually just joke or “laugh it off” and I can be very deadpan when something bothers me, or if it’s something that really hurt me I usually just shut down and become cold or distant. i’m an INTP, My hogwarts house is Hufflepuff ( even though I honestly thought I was a slytherin for so long 😭) My love language is physical touch for giving and acts of service as receiving (it’s really just the little things and showing that you care about what I’m saying or just being thoughtful). I grew up with brothers so i love watching sports and playing them (We grew up in a very competitive household lol) i’m very very family oriented, I’m a sagittarius, I like to play the piano, and read and write in my free time. and In the summers I love to fish and swim at my boathouse. And springtime is my favorite season.

For a guy, I wouldn’t really care about looks or any of that! I don’t have a type at all 😅 Just someone that can take care of me right. Sorry if this is long! Love you, Em!!!! 🩷🩷🩷

MY LOVE NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR THE LENGTH OF AN ASK I THRIVE OFF OF IT AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Alright so this one just kinda came to me out of nowhere while I was reading your thing and the more I read the more it just seemed to fit!! I ship you with…

Floyd Talbert!!

Song from my playlist that reminds me of y’all - Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen

How you met

So you both were in the pub in England where Buck and everyone were playing darts

Tab was just being his usual flirty self until he saw you

You were out just having a blast with your friends and he saw your smile and just

That's it he's Sold

So he sauntered over to you to try and put on his usual charm but your own way with words and just how PRETTY you are completely threw him off

So yeah sweet boy stumbles over his words and when you call him cute he just

Talbert.exe has stopped working

Suddenly your friends call you over so you give him a little wave before walking off but not before he asks you to dinner

Cue Talbert sneaking off in the middle of the night to see you whenever he can so y’all can sneaky make out like a couple of teenagers

How he knew he loves you

Ok so I picture it happening maybe you met up with him in Paris while he had some leave time

You and Tab and your friends were all out drinking and having a good time

Until someone bumps into one of your friends and gives them a glare

Like “watch where you’re going asshole”

And because your hands are rated E for Everyone of course you try and go to town

Until Talbert holds you back because he doesn’t want you to get hurt

Just… seeing your passion and loyalty to your friends, how much you cared, the fire in your eyes…

Something just clicked for him, he knew then and there he was in love with you

He tells you as he walks you back to your hotel room, standing outside the door, arms wrapped around your waist

He’s worried you won’t believe him because of his flirty reputation, but the look in his eyes when he says he loves you makes your heart just MELT

Of course you say it back because who wouldn’t

Before his leave is up y’all make the decision that you’ll go back to Kokomo with him after the war

A conflict and how y’all resolved it

So it’s after the war, both of y’all had long days, already on edge

Tab comes through the door and, instead of the welcome home kiss you always expect, he just goes straight to the kitchen, right passed you

You follow him because you’re worried about Tab, like, this never happens?? Tf??

You knew Tab had a temper but this felt different

You ask if he’s okay and he just stays silent

You ask him again in a quiet tone, “Floyd, talk to me.”

“Why should I? You don’t tell me everything. Why should I tell you anything?”

It just comes out of nowhere and cuts like a knife

Tab kept ranting, and you’re able to gather that apparently, a coworker that loves to get under Tab’s skin mentioned that he saw you at a bar flirting with a bunch of guys (literally never happened, you’ve been at home taking care of Trigger all week cuz he was sick)

Just… 1) the fact that it’s a lie… 2) the fact that Tab believed him??? Did he really have that little faith in you and your relationship????

The fight just blows up out of proportion, tears are shed, voices go raw, feelings DEFINITELY get hurt

Finally y’all just hit a wall so you just take Trigger out for a walk without saying a word

During the walk your brain just goes a million miles a minute

You thought your relationship was deeper than this?? Has it been like this the whole time but you just had rose colored glasses on??

You didn’t want to go home, but you knew Trigger was getting tired, and it was getting dark.

When you walk in the door, you see dinner on the table (your favorite), and Tab waiting for you, his eyes clearly red and puffy

“I… I can’t begin to say how sorry I am…”

He just looks at the floor ashamed

Tab takes a moment before quietly explaining that, when his coworker said what he did, it just hit different…

Tab never told you this, but he really doesn’t feel like he deserves you

Like, in Tab’s brain, you could go and pick someone ten times better than him, so why don’t you?

Tab got so scared, but he didn’t want to show it, so he got angry

By the end his cheeks are stained with tears, still looking at the floor

He’s so shocked when he feels your arms around him

“Floyd, you’re the silliest man I know”

At first he’s super confused, but you explain how much you love him and how you can’t imagine your life with anyone else

He just lets out a sob of relief and kisses you with the most love and passion you ever felt

Honestly it was rough but you’ve never felt closer to Tab than in that moment

Your Happily Ever After

Always taking care of Trigger together

Trigger needs a bath? Floyd “accidentally” aims the hose at you and starts a water fight

Trigger needs a walk? You have his leash on one hand, and Floyd’s butt in the other

SUPER romantic relationship, like, y’all are just constantly flirting with each other and it’s simultaneously disgusting and adorable

A silly headcanon about your relationship!

Ok but hear me out…. Once a week, y’all have a self-care night and it’s SO CUTE

Y’all help each other put on face masks, give each other massages

You just love to help each other relax and feel refreshed and rejuvenated after a long week

Sometimes Trigger gets in on the fun and y’all give him a little paw-ssage and he is in heaven

Honestly just being in that space with the two boys you love most feels like heaven to you

Aaaaaaa thank you for being my first ship Mac!!! Hope you like it ❤️✨

[fr3aklike-me]

oh stop ittt you're literally an angel for saying that :( oh that's great!! let me know what kind of movies you wanna watch and ill give you some <3 and omg i love lady bird, did you enjoy it?? and im feeling a bit anxious about college tbh, but it's probably just because it's something new and stuff, but im also really happy bc im going to my dream school so it evens out hehe. yes i love christmas!! what about you?? do you celebrate it? oh thank you angel :( im more than happy to receive your kisses <3

- 🫀

asdfghjkl omg you're literally such a sweetheart, thank you so much. omg, thank you, thank you, thank you!! I'd love some films that are coming-of-age, romance, or historical in the sense of being set in or from the 70s to 90s. oh, and omg, I'd love any set during summer because I am yearning so bad for summer with how cold it is here HAHA. I loved Lady Bird so, so much!! I had heard so many good things for years, and I definitely understand why, since it explored the mother-daughter dynamic so good, with showing how both of them hurt each other in different ways without realizing. and a lot of it personally hit home for me in regards to my mom and me, so it was definitely an emotional watch. and yeah, I totally understand that, starting college is definitely something that can feel so unfamiliar and huge, so it's totally understandable that it's causing a bit of anxiousness. I'm here if you ever wanna talk about that <3 I totally get it, since starting in-person uni was something I was super nervous about. and omg your dream school!! that's so exciting, I'm sure you'll absolutely thrive! are you excited for your classes? I love Christmas too! I don't celebrate it religiously, but my family enjoys putting a tree up and exchanging gifts. and hehe, sounds good, you'll get many, many kisses from me then

[hpdfag]

said in dms i could drop a thousand word ramble about hinata at the drop of a hat so im going to make good on that one off joke. below the cut is a Very long ramble

he's just.. so perfect in all of his flaws. i think the reason he's so wonderful is because he isn't some perfect human, good at everything, he's wonderful in his humanity. he's kind, and he's skilled, and he has so much passion. he can also be a dick at times, and stubborn as hell. but that's part of what makes him who he is. if all of those kinks were ironed out, i don't think he'd be the man i fell in love with, that i love to this day. he's a human being, no matter what was done to him, and he's better for it.

he was kind to me, and did so much to help my rehabilitation after the simulation the first time around. he went slow, he was careful so i wouldn't fall. that superhuman body hopes peak gave him meant that he was recovered before anyone else, and he dedicated himself to making sure we all not only made it out, but were able to thrive. he was patient with me, even though i was dazed, and confused, and very scared. even before we got together, i could tell he loved me the way i did him. he wanted to see me happy, and no one had ever made me feel the way he did. still no one has since, unless they try to pretend to be him. i don't think taking advantage of my delusions should count though, so i wont.

and he's gorgeous too. it's not the most important part of him, and i don't want to make it seem like i only love him for his looks, but he's so handsome. his hair is so soft, and looking at his smile is like being blinded by the sun. his name really fits him. you could dissapear into his eyes, both the green and the red. i want to see all of him, i want him to let me in to the deepest parts of himself. i love his dumb little button up shirts, i love the way he carries himself, confident and self concious at the same time. he's a well of contradictions. i wouldn't have him any other way.

he's warm, too. i keep finding myself returning to his name, he really is the sun, blinding anyone who gets too close. i remember laying beside him, even when i was cold, or scared, he's warm, in a way that kamukura wasnt. it helps ground me. this is a person. this is someone who loves me. and i can feel his body heat radiating through me. i wish i could lay by his side forever. even in the unbearable summer heat, id push through just to be by his side, hold his hand, sleep next to him.

he would smile at me sometimes, brush a strand of hair out of my face. i was always in my own little world but he could cut through that in an instant to bring me back down to earth. he's so in tune with everyone on the island, i have no idea how he keeps it sll straight. it's clear that he cares so deeply for each and every one of us, and even though i'd never dare to truly take him away from everyone, some days i wish i could keep him all to myself. i wish i could lock us in our cabin forever, i wish i could see that smile, hear him whisper "i love you, komaeda" all over again. i wish no one else could see him smile like that. of course, i wouldn't want him to be unhappy. i know how much all of his friends mean to him. but sometimes, i wish i was more selfish before i came here. i wish i spent more time staring back instead of hating myself for taking him away from the others.

whenever i think about him loving me back, about how much he cared for me, i feel like crying. how could i possibly deserve someone like him? he's the hope of everyone, but i get to have him, to posess him, and let him have every part of me in exchange. he's mine, he's mine, and it still hasn't sunk in. it almost feels presumptuous to assume he'd love me with the same intensity, but i think part of getting better is realizing that it's okay to be selfish like that sometimes. hinata would insist upon it.

more than anything, i want to see him happy. i want to do everything in my power to make the man i love see how much he means to not only me, but the world, and everyone around him. i want him to turn to me when he's scared and alone, the way i have to him. i want to be someone he can be proud of. i want to love him the way he needs to be loved, and prove to him that he's more than the sum of his parts, more than what's happened to him, more than hope's peak and the expectations they put on him. he's more than any of that, not only just to me. he's hope itself. not because of the project, but in spite of it. he's broken free. he's all that matters. i love him because he is love.

the morning sunlight filters through the window and i think of him. the breeze passes through the plants below the windowsil and i think of him. i eat eggs and toast for breakfast and i think of him. i draw him, i write about him, he is in every little facet of the universe. i look in the mirror, and even though the face i wear is unfamiliar and strange, i see him reflected back at me, i see his hope, his dream of my survival. he is divine in the kind of way only an ordinary man can be. the kind of divine that would bestow mercy upon me. the kind of divine that i want to serve for the rest of my life, not out of necessity or fear, but pure unadulterated worship and devotion.

he is in every line of code that makes up this reality, even though he didn't have a direct hand in creating it, he's left his mark on the world, and it shows. i don't want to waste his gift, i don't want to be ungrateful. even though every day on my own hurts more than the last, i can make it through it, and on the other side he'll be waiting for me. i know he will be. and this will all be worth it. because one day, i'll be able to see him, and tell him i love him, and i won't be scared anymore.

[homeofhousechickens]

The Mediterranean chicken breeds, champions of egg laying and heat tolerance

In general chickens who are lightweight and tightly feathered are considered some of the most heat tolerant chicken breeds, you also want chickens who have a decent sized comb and wattle because the vascularized tissue helps chickens cool down. Any chicken who fits this criteria is likely going to be more heat tolerant then heavy breeds which are built for the cold regardless if its a mixed breed chicken or not..

That being said there is a group of chickens who ALL fit the above criteria and they are known as The Mediterranean breeds/class, they are called this because most of these chicken breeds have close ties to Italy and Spain which explains their heat tolerance as both of these countries can get very hot during the summer (115 degrees Fahrenheit). Some of these breeds are more rare then others and therefore don't have the same hardiness you might expect but if your able to establish your own line and select for heat tolerance and hardiness these breeds would likely be some of the easiest chickens to use. Some of breeds that fall under this label are the Leghorn, Andalusian, Ancona, Minorca, Sicilian Buttercup, and The White Faced Black Spanish (there are others but im going with these). There are plenty of other chicken breeds who are heat tolerant but i wanted to focus on these guys because they tend to be less desirable compared to popular American and Asiatic breeds.

Non-industrial type Leghorn (The Egg Laying champion)

Pros- Leghorns are prolific layers of white eggs and known for their high strung and independent personalities. These are a highly intelligent and active chicken breed that does well in confined or free range environments. Their large comb helps them thermoregulate in extreme heat and also looks quite silly. Industrial type leghorns tend to be more fragile and less weather tolerant then their heritage counterparts so when looking for a good heat tolerant egg layer try to look for the heritage varieties as they are resistant to extreme heat. Leghorns come in multiple colors with brown and white being the most popular. Leghorns feather in and reach sexual maturity very quickly and have some of the best food to egg conversion rates out of any chicken breed. Heritage Leghorns will still outperform most chicken breeds with their egg laying capabilities.

Cons- It can be difficult to source leghorns not selected for extreme egg production, leghorns selected for this extreme production suffer health consequences and the strain of egg laying makes them less tolerant to extreme temperatures. Their oversized combs make them easy victims of frostbite but this can be mitigated by well ventilated coops during the winter. Leghorns are also known for being trouble makers due to their intelligence and they love to escape their coops and runs, this paired with their high strung nature means that they can be skittish if not properly socialized. Their active nature and small size means this breed is not good for meat production.

The Andalusian (The Blue beauty)

Pros- Andalusian are a very beautiful chicken breed that comes in three colors Black, Blue, and Splash with only the Blue really being recognized for showing. They are a graceful chicken breed that thrives in a free range environment. Like the Leghorn they are prolific layers of white eggs and they reach maturity very quickly. Andalusians are very heat tolerant and cold tolerant and they are known for being great winter layers but like the leghorn their large comb must be managed in cold temperatures. They are a lot less vocal and nervy then the other breeds on this list and depending on the line can have very brave friendly personalities. They are a good all around chicken breed that is flashy and nice to look at.

Cons- This breed really loves to have its space, birds who are kept in small spaces tend to turn towards feather picking and bullying their flock mates. This breed can be very aggressive and assertive towards more docile breeds so its important to make sure your birds have plenty of space and entertainment if you are not able to free range. Some hatchery lines of this breed tend to have poor feather quality and some of the same health problems production leghorns suffer from so as always its important to be mindful of where you are sourcing your birds from. This is a threatened breed.

The Ancona (The Lively and Loyal)

Pros- Ancona chickens possess some of the most precise mottled markings out of any chicken breed, this makes them very beautiful and nice to look at. Anconas are a very busy, talkative, active, and playful chicken breed that loves to keep itself busy. They lay a nice amount of large white eggs and like the other breeds on this list rarely if ever go broody. The roosters are very showy and love to dance and crow. Like leghorns they have a fantastic feed conversion rate and are all around hardy happy birds. The reason i labeled them as the lively and loyal is because once you earn this birds trusts they are very friendly and loyal birds, i know plenty of people who have pet anconas who want nothing more then to follow their owner around all day happily chatting and digging. They also come in rose combed varieties which help with cold tolerance.

Cons- These birds are great flyers who love to travel long distances if given the chance, special care needs to be taken to keep birds contained to where they are supposed to me. Because these birds are used as exhibition birds inbreeding is common and this can negatively impact a birds hardiness. Their vocal tendencies can also make them problem if you have close neighbors. Like the Andalusian these birds tend to not deal with confinement well and can get stressed but thankfully they are not known to be aggressive.

Minorca (The Graceful and Reliable)

Pros- Black Minorcas are thought to be the largest breed in the Mediterranean class though their other color varieties are known to be a bit smaller bodied, its easy for roosters to reach up to 8 pounds. They have slender bodies and a classy look about them. Some lines are more prolific layers then others usually ones with larger white earlobes lay less but both are known for being heat tolerant. In my opinion this is a tropical breed that does best in warm climates though some lines are cold tolerant. This breed is known for laying very large white eggs sometimes competing in size with industrial leghorns. Because of their large size these birds are classed as a dual purpose breed. They have a more serious demeanor then some of the other breeds mentioned but this is still a curious and intelligent breed.

Cons- They birds are known for being quite skittish and due to this some lines dont pay attention to their roosters personality which leads to some lines having human aggressive roosters. If aggression isnt a problem you can expect your birds to still be skittish but like with most chicken breeds they can be won over. They are very alert but not easily made irritable they do however tend to be clannish which means they like to stick with similar looking birds. Minorcas are a threatened chicken breed so they can be hard to source.

The Sicilian Buttercup (The Sassy and Silly)

Pros- These birds are very unique with the hens beautiful plumage and their buttercup combs which are like two single combs but merged. This breed has had a lot of ups and downs with people becoming fascinated in them then losing interest over time thankfully this breed persevered and is still around today. This breed is known for having a goofy and personable personality the hens can sometimes grow spurs and in general are quite bossy to their owners and flock mates. Unlike some other breeds listed here this breed shows sexual dimorphism with the hens having a nice golden spangled colored while the roosters have a more solid red coloration. These birds were mostly selected for their beauty and combs so they wont beat some of the other birds here at egg laying or meat production but they make up for it in their personality.

Cons- while some lines are extremely friendly and calm other lines can be extremely reactive and terrified of humans. This breed isnt supposed to be prolific egg layers but some hatcheries and breeders focus very heavily on production over health which can lead to reproductive issues like EYP and cancer. Also due to poor breeding heart issues are also very common in this breed but if your able to source some high quality birds you should get some birds that are well mannered and hardy in both warm and cold climates but they prefer warmer weather. Their conservation status is critical and they desperately need more breeders to preserve this breed.

The White Faced Black Spanish Chicken (The Aristocrat)

Pros- This is a very old chicken breed that has been around for a very long time. The White Faced Black Spanish chicken is also extremely unique in the chicken world with high quality birds possessing a white face and over sized earlobes which makes for a very stroking appearance. This breed is very heat tolerant but does poorly in colder temperatures. They lay a medium white egg and are decent non broody layers. They are an extremely important foundational fowl that's genetics have helped establish many chicken breeds. These birds are known for being aloof but they are not aggressive and are quite calm and curious as adults. They are good foragers and are quite predator savy.

Cons- This breed is known for being extremely fragile healthwise. Due to breeders focusing on bigger and bigger white faces and wattles they mistakenly didnt also select for health and unfortunately this breed has experienced some serious genetic bottle necks and breeder sabotage multiple times in the modern day. Current lines are still struggling to get back to hardiness and vigor Mediterranean breeds are known for. This breed is critically endangered but all it takes is a couple of passionate people to help turn it around.

Hopefully you enjoyed my little write up on some of these heat tolerant breeds. There is plenty of other birds in this class i could list and some birds outside of it but i chose these birds because i like them and a lot of them need more attention due to critical or endangered status

[writing-in-april]

Unintentionally Unrequited

Lesley Smith-Juniment x Gender Neutral Reader

Summary: Reader tries to hold back their love for Lesley while he’s still reeling from his broken engagement.

A/N: Hey Heyyy!!!! This is my first fic for Lesley guys!!! It’s also my twenty-fourth fic for my 30 fics in 30 days for April! It’s based on this request- I had a lot of fun with it!!! (Hope I got his character right 🤞) Lol low key I might have been projecting my love of the cold in the first paragraph- im sorry to all my warm weather lovers!!! 😂 Feel free to leave an ask here (I promise I don’t bite, I swear) Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy!

Warnings: I swear three times- that’s it 🥰

Main Masterlist Word Count: 1.5k

The sun beat down hard on me, making my eyes squint and my skin hotter than I would have liked. Normally I would have been wallowing in misery as I thrived in the cold, even though I lived in Texas. That’s where my job was and that’s where Lesley was, so I swallowed up my complaints, especially now.

Lesley was grabbing our drinks, which was more of a challenge than I expected. I watched him stumble about a million times in his closed toed Birkenstocks he still insisted on wearing, kicking up streams of sand while the concession worker snickered. Instead of laughing like most I smiled brightly, finding it incredibly endearing rather than using it as a reason to make fun of him. I may have not found his closed toed Birkenstocks very fashionable, but he loved them, and I loved him.

I could only say that in my head though, he was still unequivocally in love with Summer- even though she had stomped on his heart. He had thought he found love and watched it cruelly be ripped away from him when Summer broke off their engagement. Normally with whirlwind engagements it was expected that they wouldn’t last. But, with Lesley and Summer I had really thought that they would stand the test of time. I loved him too much to break the fragile happiness he had, though it turns out someone was going to do it for me anyway.

Lesley was still holding a torch for her, I could tell by the way he got a little melancholic sometimes when he talked to me. I did my best to get his mind off of it, that’s why we were here, on this unremarkable beach.

I was glad I at least did something good when I whisked him away to the beach for a while so he wouldn’t have to see Summer or be reminded of her. I knew that eventually we’d have to go back, but it was nice to pretend in this utopia I had crafted for us for the time being, even if the beach was slightly shitty. And, I meant that literally; there was tons of uncleared bird poop everywhere. We had to find a specific spot that was somewhat secluded to find a spot not covered in it.

When he came back with our drinks, it was a little more graceful than the first time, though the worker still laughed when his back was turned, which earned him a glare from me. As we sipped on our slushies while sitting on a rickety bench by the beach, I contemplated everything that had happened in recent months. I had been by his side through it all, mostly with my eyes blown wide at how ridiculous it all was.

Six months ago we had been very different people, sure we had the same personalities and acted relatively the same. But, our experiences over the last months have changed us into different people. I still knew Lesley, better than anyone, and certainly better than Summer claimed.

It was getting too difficult to keep trapped up inside anymore, each day I chose to say nothing made it even more painful. I sucked on my staw, trying to keep it bottled up, keeping it down by the colorful ice that tasted artificially sweet. It felt like I was choking on the love, it wanted to spill out and compel me to confess even though I didn’t want to.

Before I even knew what I was saying it started to tumble out, bubbling up to the surface getting ready to explode any friendship Lesley and I had,

“I know you never will feel the same way, but I have to tell you this,” He cocked his head to the side in question, not expecting what was about to come out of my mouth next, “I love you.”

His mind had obviously short circuited going by the look on his face, jaw dropped open, eyes blown wide, and fingers shaking in shock. It took him a minute to process, frozen in the same place trying to understand what I had just said.

Not long ago he had made the same confession to someone that ultimately ended up leaving him heartbroken. I was afraid I was due for my own dose of unrequited love.

His body must have caught up with his mind as he stood up, knocking over his red colored slushy in the process, staining the sand. He was rubbing the front of his khaki shorts in panic, I grabbed them without thinking; he could hate me now and never want to touch me again.

However, he did not pull away from me, in fact he gripped my hands in a tighter hold while he also squeezed his eyes shut a few times. I opened my mouth to say something, but found myself completely choked up at Lesley’s own admission, “I love you too.”

“I thought you still loved Summer?” Tears were falling down my face, but each drop was quickly brushed to the side by my hands, not wanting to have Lesley see me cry. I had thought Summer had meant the world to him, the way he looked at her made me think that he’d never look at me the same way. I had never even thought to turn around and see if he was looking at me in the first place.

��No, I don’t she was- Never mind it doesn’t even matter. All that matters is that I love you- it’s always been you. You’re the only person who really knows me, really sees me for me.” His hands enveloped my cheeks with cold from him holding the slushy cup while he said his own confession, much more wordy than my own. With his confession heat began to bloom in my cheeks, warming up his cold hands. They were warming up from sheer embarrassment rather than the sun that was still beating down on us overhead. It seemed so silly now, to keep my love for him secret while he walked into a romance his heart wasn’t fully in.

“I’m sorry.” I meekly whispered, dipping my head down in shame.

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because I didn’t tell you…” He then tipped my head up to look at him with confidence I didn’t often see from him.

“You told me now and- that’s all that matters.” Bridging the gap that had slowly been decreasing between the two of us, surprisingly he initiated the kiss.

His lips tasted like the cherry slushy he had been drinking, mixed with the blue raspberry one I had been downing. It was a sugary sweet combo almost sickly, but all I wanted was more. I had deprived myself of the sugar I had been pining for, for so long, I didn’t care if it was somewhat overwhelming to my taste buds.

We had both been idiots, colossal idiots for not getting the nerve to open our mouths and speak up to one another. Though maybe I was the bigger idiot because I had watched him pretend to love someone else, not noticing all the looks he had probably thrown my way. I had been so convinced that he would never love me back that I let the sweetness of him be used by someone else, even though it was always meant for me. Running my fingers through his hair I pulled him even closer to me, touching him without pause or thought of the repercussions. It felt good to be free, like I was flying high up above the clouds unrestricted by my own self doubting thoughts that always tried to sabotage me.

Lesley had been kissing me back with the same amount of force as I was, not a shred of hesitation in sight as he sucked on my bottom lip. Unfortunately I had to let him go when I noticed the concession’s vendor eyeing the two of us while eating a bag of peanuts. Glaring hard again at the man I then refocused onto Lesley, and I never wanted to stop looking. He seemed disappointed at first when we seperated; he had tried to chase my lips as if that would be his first and only taste. I gave him a quick kiss on the tip of his button nose, another taste of the affection he’d be treated to as long as he’d let me give it to him. Speaking softly I then expanded on my confession from earlier, “I promise there’ll be more where that came from- I love you and I never want to let you go.”

He looked down at our intertwined fingers still with shock, he brought them up to his lips, giving his own affection to the tops of my hands with two sweet pecks. “I love you too.” He then mumbled into our palms, giving them one last peck before releasing them.

Tugging his hands I then walked backwards towards our shitty hotel rooms that matched the shitty beach, though I wouldn’t be separating from him once we reached mine. “Come on let’s go.” I said with another tug before breaking out into a run with him right behind, ready to start our adventure of requited love.

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[randomoranges]

good god almighty. here is part 4. somehow longer than the other parts. somehow with more Emotions. i decided to not be vague and call the spades spades. this one is more nsfw because of things étienne mentions. 

again, minor character death and lots of introspection ha ha .

ive been working on the beast for like almost a month now. part 5 aint even done. im so glad i hacked it up in the end. 

PART IV

“The 60s were good with that – for forgetting and moving on. There was – or seemed to be this renewed sense of freedom, as if the people were finding their true purpose in the city. A great big curtain was being pulled back and we were given the opportunity to redefine ourselves. It felt like hope, in a way and with the distance put with the church, I felt I could breathe a little more and I was able to find myself. By the time Expo rolled around, it gave me purpose – something to do. The energy in the city was astounding. The projects people were coming up with – the possibilities they were unveiling – I had never felt something like that. I thought for sure this energy would see us through the next one hundred years; we’d be feeding off of it and returning to it for years to come. It would be our source of creation. Everyone seemed to be excited; the world was literally in our backyard and it felt good to bask in the attention.”

 It made sense for Étienne to have Expo, considering how good he was at catering to others – at giving them the good time they wanted. He thrived in giant crowds and lived for the attention. Plus, at the time, Montreal really did feel as though it was the center of Canada. It still felt like an other-worldly experience and there were still times when Edward wasn’t convinced Expo hadn’t been one massive hallucination. And he’d only been a small part of it, unlike Étienne who had lived every stage of it.

 “With the change of decade, going into the 70s, I expected much of the same – moving forward, the endless possibilities of the future and such. For the first time in a long time, I was actually looking forward to having more time – to being immortal and being able to experience every change. To make new connections. Expand and broaden the horizons and such.”

 “And then it all went to shit, starting with the October crisis. There was a lot that happened in the 70’s and not everything was bad, but for me, personally, it was a series of euphoric highs and devastating lows. In the same breath of the Crisis there would be a Cup win, then there was the Exodus, the language debacles and it never seemed to end. Up and down and up and down. One giant roller coaster that never gave me a chance to catch my breath. It was hard to feel anything let alone make it constant. It took a toll – added up and left me reeling in ways I had never thought possible. I couldn’t finish celebrating the Cup that I would get notified that something terrible had just happened. I would be relishing in disco and there’d be a murder. It was too fucking much. I couldn’t take it anymore. Everything I had worked so hard to build was slowly being torn from my hands and what was left didn’t seem to matter enough. The proverbial carpet had been yanked from under my feet and no matter how many times I tried to get up, I just kept falling and falling and falling... there was no end in sight.”

 Their correspondence at that time had petered off, somewhat. They’d both ended up in unpleasant situations and the last thing Edward had wanted to do was to take a pen and write to his friend to let him know how miserable he was. There’d been times when he’d wondered if his friend hadn’t found out about his fate and had left him for dead as well and it had only been later – much later – that he’d found out through Étienne exactly why he hadn’t written as often, if at all, for a few years.

 “I’m not exactly proud of what I ended up doing, but it seemed like the right solution at the time. I was a mess. I needed help but I didn’t realise it and I wasn’t sure there even was such help for such a lost cause. Working the streets and the clubs were as much self-punishment as they were the only place I felt I could succeed. It was easy to spread my legs to let some random guy fuck me in an alley. It was easy to pretend to be someone else. It was easy to get down on my knees and suck them off. It was easy to let others use me as they wanted and write it off as being unworthy of anything else. This was where I belonged – with the outcasts and the has beens.”

 There’s a shuddering breath that’s released and Edward has no idea if it’s his or Étienne’s. He’s astounded his boyfriend is willingly talking of this chapter of his life. It had taken years for Étienne to even speak of it to him and the confession had been a quiet halting thing that had taken him a while to piece together.

 Yet, despite finding out, it hadn’t changed Edward’s opinion of him. If anything, he had found Étienne brave and courageous for telling him about it and his heart had ached for him even more. Étienne was worthy. Étienne wasn’t a failure and he succeeded at so many other wonderful things. In his opinion, he was still as relevant as before and had never been an outcast or a has been. He was still a leader and trail blazer in his own right, even if Étienne himself didn’t always realise it.

 “When they gave me the Olympics,” Étienne goes on, once more showing that he is brave and more than the terrible things that he had gone through, “I hoped this would be the shot I needed – that it would be as wonderful as Expo had. If anything, it would be on a smaller scale than Expo. It would be a piece of cake, I figured. At least, they’d given me the Olympics in a timely way and not last minute. Therefore, there would be no excuses to fail. but for as much as Expo felt like a fever dream doused with magic, the Olympics were harder to get going. There were so many things that went wrong. So many strikes. So much corruption. The magic was gone. It was the opposite of what I needed and it just drove me further down my own spiral.

 “So I went for the drugs and the sex. One made me feel when I was numb, one numbed everything when I felt too much. And the sex was as much a means to an end as what seemed to be the only thing I could properly deliver. So I stuck to it. Went in and out of these phases. Went on the biggest of benders, woke up in places I had no recollection of going to and such. Drove Élyse nuts. But it didn’t matter to me; I’d still be alive, so who cared what I put myself through?”

 Edward wants to say that there were many who cared, but he knows that it would fall on deaf ears. He gets what Étienne means by it, but it still hurts him that his boyfriend had had to go through all of this. He gives his hand another squeeze and if anything, Étienne offers him a small smile, acknowledging the gesture.

 “I was all over the place and when I finally met Koffey, shortly after the Olympics, it was quite by accident and he took me by surprise.”

 “Everything about our relationship was different than the others I’d been in up until then. For starters, it didn’t happen the way the others had. It wasn’t the usual meet, sex and eventually develop feelings. He’d been living in the city for a few years when we met. He’d immigrated here, in search for a new adventure – ahead of the wave that would come later on. He’d decided to open up a restaurant, bringing us the local flavors of his own country. I stumbled there, quite by accident and I was most likely high and not even fully coherent. To be honest, I can’t even say I remember that day; he’s the one who told me later on.”

 “I ended up returning. Later. On a better day.  I think I was convinced it was my first time here, but Koffey was a little wary of seeing me again. Apparently, I had been a little rowdy on my first visit... Yet, he still gave me a chance and was still very polite while he served me, if a little guarded. I felt bad, so I returned and the more I went back, the more I was drawn – by him, his cuisine, and his quiet sense of humour and intelligence.”

 “He eventually realised I wasn’t a complete asshole and he’d start coming to talk to me when the restaurant was quiet. He was – a breath of fresh air, really and at the time the one good thing I had going on. It felt like being thrown a lifeboat – something to hang on to while I tried not to drown – by my thoughts, my life, the shit-show burning around me. A beacon of hope and light I clung to desperately.”

 “I honestly didn’t even think Koffey was interested in men. It surprised me, when one day, I hung around until the restaurant closed. I waited for him out in the back, not wanting to go home just yet. I also didn’t think going home just yet would be wise. I was still all over the place and I knew that if I went home I’d end up using or doing something even stupider. Having a friend helped keeping my thoughts on track. Koffey, without knowing what was going on in my head, helped keep my mind quiet. I wanted to know more about him and his life, so I focused on that. Anyways, it’d been a quiet night and we’d been having a grand old time chatting. I thought maybe we could walk around and bum out in a park. Summer was starting to settle in for good and it was a perfect night out. Warm and this side of humid, with a gentle breeze to make it pleasant.”

 Edward has his own thoughts and ideas about the description of the weather, but he schools his face in a neutral expression and listens on.

 “He was surprised to see me out back, but pleased and we picked up our conversation from where we’d left off. We ended up taking the long way back to his. I didn’t mind having to walk back to mine after and the extra detour would do me some good. However, he invited me in for a beer and I obviously said yes. He was my friend, after all and the thought of a cold beer to end the night sounded great.”

 “We must have spent a few more hours drinking beer and talking and somewhere along the line, he leaned in and kissed me. Completely unprompted. I was shocked and surprised and at first he thought I wasn’t interested, since I hadn’t kissed him back. He must have apologised at least a dozen times. It was quite funny, really. I’d keep trying to tell him that it was fine, but he wouldn’t listen. And the more he went on, the more afraid he was that I’d do something to him – which was quite sobering, let me tell you. I finally took matters in my own hands and kissed him myself. We’d been hanging around together for months, by then and had I known, I would have put a move on him sooner, maybe. The kiss finally got him to stop apologising and for a moment after that all we did was make-out on his couch like all the terrible clichés in movies.” He laughs at that, fond, as he twiddles with an unlit cigarette. “It was so different, though – soft and tender. Nicholas had been very forward with his kissing that first time. I knew we would end up in his bed the moment he kissed me, whereas with Koffey – it almost felt hesitant and cautious and I thought that was lovely.”

 “He still asked afterwards if I was that way, which I thought was both endearing and silly – considering I had just kissed him and wouldn’t have minded him kissing him some more. I assured him that I was and to prove my point, I kissed him again. I recall teasing him about it later, asking him if he needed another kiss to be sure I was into men. He thought I was being ridiculous, which was saying something.”

 There’s a gentle, soft smile that graces Étienne’s features, not for the first time during their talk, and Edward wonders what memories his boyfriend is reliving – what images his brain has conjured for him to revisit. He’s glad, though, that despite the heartache that Étienne still has fond memories of Koffey to go back to.

 “I wasn’t in love with him – not at that point, but I was certainly drawn to him. He was – beautiful. On the outside as much as on the inside; a gentle soul, really. I would have willingly gone to bed with him that night, but he insisted we wait a little and take things slow. This had never really happened and even though I was a little annoyed, I didn’t push the issue and floated back home after one last kiss.”

 “He actually – I swear, the next time I went to see him, he actually asked me out on a proper date. He was too much! And I couldn’t believe that a man like Koffey, sweet and gentle and kind, would want to date me who felt broken and used and soiled in so many ways. But he saw beyond that and insisted we go on a proper date before we went to bed together and so I said yes; because I did really want him and I loved his company.”

 “Our first date was nothing extraordinary, but it was nice – to be taken out – to feel as though I was worthy of someone’s attention and affection again. It was almost as good as a high. He took me out to dinner and then insisted we go to a movie and he was so gallant about the whole thing. He paid for the meal and for the ticket and don’t ask me how the movie ended, because halfway through we started making-out in the back and before the movie ended we left to go back to his.”

 “Koffey was – so very sweet to me. Our first time together felt like something out of a romance movie. There was no frenetic urgency to it. It wasn’t just sex because he wanted a fast way to get to his release. He made love to me. Me! It boggled my mind. He kissed and caressed every bit of me that felt broken and used. It was – wonderful and too much and I tried changing the pace to something that felt less consuming ‘cause I couldn’t handle so much love being given to me, but he kept on finding ways to make it less about the sex and more about us and I couldn’t take it. I eventually broke down in tears.”

 “And get this – he thought he, of all people, had done something wrong to me – that he’d hurt me in some way. I came clean to him. Told him everything. As much as I could. The drugs, the streets – the fall from grace. Every last ugly truth came out as he held me in his arms and made sure I understood I was someone worthy of love again. I felt stupid for breaking down and felt even worse for needing him to comfort me. And despite that, there were still things I couldn’t tell him. He tried asking about what was bothering me – because he could tell. Even when I lied – he could always tell when there was more – when everything in my head was too loud, but it was hard to explain. I couldn’t just say oh by the way, I’m semi-immortal and I represent a city. Yeah, fucked up I know, but I swear that’s not the acid talking.”

 “It wasn’t stupid,” Edward breaks. He knows Étienne is in a better place now, but he also knows his boyfriend is still prone to great bouts of self-doubt that do more harm than good to him. He’d hate to think that Étienne still feels that way.

 “I know,” Étienne responds quickly. Edward wonders if he isn’t deflecting, but he figures Étienne’s heart has been scorched raw enough for the day that he can let it slide for this time.

 “You’ve always been worthy of love,” He adds softly and Étienne stills for a moment.

 “I know.” He says again, but it sounds different this time around; a little more vulnerable and fragile. Edward wants to gather him in his own arms and hold him tightly, but instead he keeps hold of his hand and lets Étienne carry on with his story.

 “I made it up to him, later, once the storm had passed. I didn’t want him to think that I would be some emotional weight to him. He’d wanted sex so I made sure to deliver. He was still very sweet and loving with me and I tried to ignore it. I focused on making it good for him so that he wouldn’t toss me to the side and in my mind it worked. Yet, thinking back, there were still times when I felt like he was onto me. Like he knew when I was faking it for both our benefits, but he let me be.”

 “Still, for as much as Koffey was good for me and to me, he wasn’t a cure to all my problems. It would’ve been too easy. He helped – more than he probably ever realised, but I was still reckless and I still fluctuated. Bad days and worse days. On those, he’d simply hold me in his arms and let me cry in them.

Sometimes there’d be an okay day. He made it tolerable. To be alive. Made the sharp edges rounder. Made me feel like I could hang on another day. And there were those times when I felt like I genuinely wanted to be around – for him. I wanted to take him somewhere or kiss him again. I wanted to tell him some funny story I had heard or simply go to bed with him one more time. So I stuck it out and tried to survive.”

 “He was so kind and patient with me. He loved me, despite what I was and how I was. He loved me even when I couldn’t love myself. God, I never deserved him. He was too good for me and to me. And somehow, I repaid his kindness by making him sick and killing him!”

 “You don’t know that for sure.” Edward replies quickly, without thinking.

 He remembers the visit. Remembers finding out about the real significance of Koffey. Of going over to visit Étienne and finding him distraught and broken hearted. Of Étienne bringing him to the cemetery. The breakdown and the tears. The trembling murmured admissions of guilt. The dawning connection he’d made.

 Edward had been in his own headspace at the time and their correspondence had petered out, hence his grasp of Koffey’s role in Étienne’s life had been lacking in some regards. But standing by that grave, with his friend opening up about him and telling him what had happened had marked Edward.

 “I may as well have, Edward.” Étienne snaps. He lights up the cigarette he’d been previously playing with and takes a long drag from it. “He died and it was all my fault. I couldn’t even – I wasn’t even there when he died. I was too afraid. And ashamed. I was a coward. He’d chosen me and I may as well have tossed him out.” He flicks the ash with more force than necessary and when Edward spares him a glance, he sees the storm of hate and shame fight in Étienne’s eyes through his unshed tears. “He deserved better – after everything he did for me and I repaid his kindness by being a coward.”

 Edward knows that there’s no sense in telling Étienne that it’s not his fault. His boyfriend will keep berating himself until he runs out of steam and he supposes that it’s best to let him be and wait it out. Yet, it doesn’t sit well with him to have Étienne react this way. Sure, he could have been responsible for Koffey getting sick, but at the same time, there was no actual proof. He hates that it still eats Étienne alive and part of him wants to take him by the shoulders, shake him, and tell him to convince himself otherwise. Especially if it’ll help him move on. But – he’s known Étienne for too long and knows that such actions will do him no good.

 Instead, he waits and starts to itch for a cigarette of his own. He settles instead for a deep breath and then another. He thinks back to his own response to the crises. To the way he’d taken action. The misery and heartache he’d seen and lived. The friends he’d lost. The ones he’d buried. He thinks of running to Montreal to get away from it all and leaning on Étienne for a chance to forget and leave it all behind. There’s an irony here he still hasn’t fully grasped but it’s a reflection for a different day. There’s already enough that’s been looked over for one day.

 “I don’t think he would have wanted you to beat yourself over it,” He offers instead. Étienne sniffs loudly and doesn’t give him an answer. Instead, he remains quiet, fighting with his own demons.

 “You never did tell me why you called him Koffey,” Edward tries again, minutes later, when he feels that the mood has shifted once more and that Étienne has calmed down some. Perhaps this approach will work better, he thinks.

 Étienne sniffles and rubs at his eyes, “Oh,” He starts and a small smile deigns to make an appearance on his face, which Edward is thankful for. “Apparently, his regular customers used to call him that. He thought it was hysterical and he never really liked his own name. I never questioned it beyond that and it stuck.”

 Étienne grows silent after that and turns reflective. Even Mercury seems to sense the shift in mood and nuzzles her way up to his arms for cuddles. The distraction serves its purpose and Étienne focuses on her for a while, caressing her fur and scratching her behind the ears, which she seems to enjoy, if Edward is to judge by the wagging of her tail. He watches and lets them be for a while, glad the dog can help where he can’t.

 “You would’ve liked him,” Étienne quietly says after a while. He’s not looking at him, hands still buried deep in Mercury’s dark coat, but Edward doesn’t mind.

 “I’m sure I would have – he sounds like a great guy.”

 “The greatest.”

 Not for the first time, Edward wonders if Étienne’s feelings hadn’t become tainted with guilt over the years. He doesn’t question Étienne’s love for Koffey, but he wonders if the circumstances of his death haven’t left a lasting grip on him that wouldn’t have otherwise been there if the man had died of natural causes at a ripe old age. The wounds are still too raw and fresh to ask, so he lets the matter rest and figures that there will be other occasions to ask.

 They fall silent after that, both lost again in their own thoughts. He hears the occasional snuffle from Mercury and sends out a silent prayer of thanks to whatever higher power there might be out there for her presence in Étienne’s life. In the few years Étienne has had her, he already sees the difference and impact she’s made in his life.

 Eventually, Mercury settles back on Étienne’s side and his friend leaves a hand around her neck, absent-mindedly stroking her dark coat, while he reaches out for Edward’s own hand with his other. Edward is a little surprised, but he doesn’t mind and let’s Étienne play with his fingers. He traces the lines on his hand with the edge of a nail and draws loops with it afterwards. Edward watches the movement carefully with his eyes and finds it oddly grounding in a way. He hadn’t realised he’d felt a little unmoored by these tales and he wonders, not for the first time, just how attuned to him Étienne really is.

 They settle around each other, the breeze gently ruffling their hair and Edward takes a deep breath to process some of what he’s just heard.

 “And shortly after Koffey died, while I was still mourning him and hating myself for everything I had done, you came along at both the best and worst moment of my life.”

--

Part III Part V

[infinitystation]

an addition

some doobles

[wexhappyxfew]

i would love a ship😇 im 5’4 with platinum blonde hair & hazel eyes. im a night owl & an early riser & i feel a deep connection to both the moon & sun. the outdoors are definitely where i belong. im pretty socially awkward/quiet at first but once im comfy its the complete opposite. ive been told i can sense a bad friend/s.o/person right away when nobody else could see it. im definitely a homebody & i can usually be found blasting music while cleaning my whole house😂 i hope this is enough!🖤

JOE TOYE was that last person you talked to in Toccoa. He had watched you from afar, you seemed quiet, yet opening to talking with the men, and he had looked into your eyes, when sweeping across the room, plenty of times. But then you looked away; it left him wanting to look into you eyes again. He thought your eyes were beautiful.

Running Currahee, he always could see you running ahead of him with your platnium blond hair. It always stood out especially when the sun was shining down on it. It complimented your eyes he thought. Joe was a quiet thinker.

As the weeks drug on, he continued to admire you from afar. And you seemed to pay no mind to it. Many of the men liked you already, and Joe figured you wouldn’t even pay an ounce of attention to him.

And then you did.

Sobel sent you up the mountain one night because you had failed to jump up the wall in the obstacle course. You had tried and tried but were just shorter than the men. Sobel didn’t like that. So he sent you running up Currahee at night. But you were fine with it, you thrived at night.

Joe was the one who said he’d go with you, in front of everyone. You were slightly surprised. But he looked in your eyes, with his daunting height and said he was running with you. He never said why.

So the two of you went up the mountain, as you questioned why Joe was by your side the entire time. When you reached the top, after running in a fairly awkward silence, you both looked out over Camp Toccoa under the stars. You told him this was your favorite time of night, and that you would love to just be up all the time, staring at the stars and the moon. You loved the moon. Joe could see the love in your eyes. You told him though you’d be up 1st thing in the morning no matter how late you stayed up. He chuckled.

Joe thought you fit perfectly against the set of the Georgia mountains, the night sky filled with stars, a light summer breeze hitting your skin and hair, and the chirping of crickets singing their sweet song. He loved how nature oriented you seemed. You seemed one with nature and totally apt to it. Sobel had seemingly done the worst, but it turned out coming out for the best.

Joe and you began doing things more and more together. Partners for everything, sitting side by side at every meal, talking late at night, even if Joe was exhausted. He knew it was your favorite time of day. You and him both opened up. And he was fairly quiet himself, so listening to you open up helped him open up.

Bill Guarnere knew Joe liked you when Easy Company got to Aldbourne and you weren’t assigned to bunk with him. Joe mopped around for a few days. You had laughed lightly though and said you’ll see him around.

So at the pubs, you were always side by side, always dancing together, always him walking you home. It was like usual, every time they went out. He loved it and you didn’t say it but you did too. That all changed when the drop into Normandy happened. You didn’t arrive at Easy until a day later with Tab and Shifty and Smokey. Joe had been worried sick. He hugged you so tight in the quiet behind a house. And he looked into your eyes, praying you were real. And you were. But then you pulled back, you needed a medic to look at your ankle.

You were medically evacuated and missed the rest of that campaign. When Joe saw you again, he never hugged you tighter and he was glad you were alive. He gave the warmest hugs and he began to tell you how beautiful you were. You thought he was just saying because he was being a good friend. You two continued to stay out late talking, and you stayed close through Market-Garden and The Island. And then Bastogne hit.

You were colder than cold, a homebody and a nature lover, but this wasn’t what you loved. You could sense how bad this entire thing was, even if you usually sense it in people, Bastogne wasn’t a friendly or fair place at all.

When Joe got hit, you had been curled into Chuck’s side praying for the shelling to end. When you heard Joe was hit you were running, collapsing by his side, as you saw Bill hit as well. You were shattered.

Joe told you one thing, that he’d see you again under the stars of the night, back in America, like when you first spoke.

And you did, and he kissed you and hugged you and said he loved you that night. You loved him too. You always had. You didn’t care what he looked like, with his leg missing. It was the man you loved. He told you he was glad he ran with you that night, or else he would’ve never discovered someone like you.

look at him! 🥺 i just wanna hug him. i hope this is ok and that you enjoyed! i definitely had fun with this one. 💛💛 have a lovely day!

[leelee10898]

Chikara: Kanashimi (1/?)

Ellie wheeler's senior year turned out to be one she would never forget. Now in college, leaving behind the life she grew to love, she did anything but thrive.

If you'd like to be added to the taglist, lemme know!!

Raiting: Mature. Series will contain, violence, death, sexual situations, and bad decisions.

Ellie quietly wandered the halls of Langston, head down, never noticed by anyone and she never spoke to anyone either.  It was just her and her thoughts, her roommate flaked out the first two weeks of fall semester. Not like she ever really talked to the girl. Her day consists of getting up, going to school, homework, dinner, shower, bed. Rinse, lather, repeat, Every day for 6 months.

She tried to keep her mind busy,  she never fully tuned it out. Behind all the math problems and research papers, he was always there like a cancerous tumor sucking the life out of her. she didn't hate it, it was quite the opposite really, she loved it, she needed it to get by the long days and lonely nights.

The night they finally took the brotherhood down, was one of the proudest moments she felt. They watched as Jason was hauled off in handcuffs, a tiny sliver of justice for Kaneko. She said goodbye to Toby, Ximena, even Mona, she knew they would move on from the crew. When Logan said goodbye it stung, she cared a great deal for him. He was the first guy she had ever kissed, or even had feelings for but, he wasn't Colt. From the moment they met, he drove her crazy, he annoyed her to no end and he was a complete jerk but she was drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

She had just finished submitting her final paper to her English teacher when she ran to her dorm room, grabbed her bags and headed to the airport. When she left for the summer program at Langston she told her dad she would see him at thanksgiving. She reluctantly left her car behind, a deal her father and her came to for breaks such as Thanksgiving, Christmas and Spring break, In the summer she would drive home. It was finally Thanksgiving and she couldn't wait.  she pressed the imaginary gas pedal on the airplane floor, secretly hoping it would get her there faster.

The sound of a screaming child filled the cabin, Ellie popped her earbuds in, attempting to drown out the noise. Just a little bit longer,  almost there she kept telling herself. Once they landed, she grabbed her luggage and looked for her dad. She seen him standing in the pick up area holding one of those makeshift signs that read Wheeler. "Dad, you're such a dork." She flung her arms around him. "Yeah, the coolest dork you'll ever meet." He retorted.

They got in the car and made the drive to the house, sure she couldn't wait to be home.  She was looking forward to seeing Riya and Darius, having Thanksgiving dinner at her grandparents, but she had more pressing matters to attend to. They pulled into the driveway and Ellie ran into the house,  flinging her luggage on the bed. She had to play it carefully, not to tip her dad off as to her plans. She came down stairs and like clockwork her dad asked if she was hungry. "Sure thing dad." She smirked, knowing after he ate he would want to take a nap.

"So. Any plans with Riya? She's home from Hartfeld this week." Dad asked as he put the dishes in the sink.  "Yeah we actually made some plans to catch up. Speaking of, can I use your car to see if shes home?" Her dad reached in his pocket handing her the keys "Just be careful, I'm going to take a nap."

Ellie ran up to her room, she flung open her suitcase and changed out of her leggings and baggy t shirt into a pair of jeans and a crop top.

She ran to the car, turning the key as the engine roared to life. It wasn't her car, but it would do.

She made the drive into the city, stopping at where the sideshow was, but nothing was there. She pulled down another street and parked in front of the familiar building. Not much had been done with the burned out shell of its former self, it looked as if time stood still. It was boarded up in attempts to keep people out, she walked around the building until she found a loose board and slipped in. The inside was hardly touched, some sorting had been done, she knew Colt had come back the day he gave her the cactus. There wasn't much left of the place, some debris strewn about, some shells of cars that once sat in the bay. It was clear nobody had been here, and the realization that nobody was coming back began to set it.

She thought she needed to come here, that maybe she would find something other then the burnt remains of the place that changed her, or someone.  The tears began to sting her eyes, so many memories in such a short time. Ever since they parted ways, she felt like a part of her was missing. There was a gaping hole in her heart that ached, she grasped her chest as ler legs failed her. For 6 months she kept her phone glued to her, in hopes someone would just reach out, for 6 months she prayed that someone would come for her, that she wasn't alone, and she meant something to them.

She sat alone on the floor of Kaneko's garage in a heap of ash and soot, crying her eyes out.  They were gone, you're just a tourist ringing in her head.  She was in fact alone, they weren't  coming back for her and it was time to try and move on.

She made her way back home, covered head to toe in the black substance that stained the floors of the garage, much like the stains on her heart. After a long cry in the hot shower, Ellie pulled open her closet door and started to hang her clothes inside when she spotted something tucked away behind her prom dress. She couldn't imagine what it might be, it was larger than any of her clothes. Gripping the petal pink fabric she pulled the dress forward,  giving easier access to the mystery item. Her fingers began to tremble, her nerves on edge as she ripped the clothing hanging in front of it off the hangers and tossed them to the floor reaching her goal item.

Ellie staggered backwards, item in hand.  the backs of her knees hitting the mattress causing her to sit. She stared blankly at the jacket in front of her, Colts leather jacket. How did it get there? She didn't think it was there when she packed for Langston, but could she have missed it?

She held the soft leather to her face, the scent of his cologne putting her immediately at ease. This was all she had left of him, that and the few photos and texts she had saved in her phone. Ellie slipped the jacket on, it was over sized but she didn't care. She placed her hands in the pockets pulling it flush to her body as if it were his arms wrapped around her.  Her fingers brushed against something and she pulled it from the pocket.

She stared down at the folded piece of paper, she recognized the stationary, it was one from her desk. Unfolding it slowly, tears began to well on her eyes in anticipation. His penmanship was far better then she anticipated but she knew better then to expect to unexpected when it came to Colt Kaneko.

Ellie,

If you are reading this that means you have found my jacket in your closet. I am risking everything coming here and sneaking in.   I just needed you to have it, to have something of me with you in this cold, unforgiving world.

Im not good with words, and feelings so im going to try my best. I love you Ellie Wheeler, I probably have since the moment I laid eyes on you at the side show, only I couldn't admit it to myself then.

I know you think that I don't care but leaving you, was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I meant what I said, we will see each other again.   

I watched you give your speech at graduation,  It took everything I had in me not to run out there and kiss you. I am so proud of you valedictorian. And just a little while ago when you drove away for College, I just had to see you if only at a distance. Keeping you safe will always be my priority,  and with the fbi breathing down my back, letting you go was the only way.

Live your life to the fullest Elle, don't cry for me im not worth your tears. Have fun in college, make friends, fall in love. You are amazing and you deserve to be happy. I hope that when our paths do cross again, you accomplished everything you set out to. I think your dad may be home so I have to run. Remember I will always Love you Ellie, even if I can't be with you.

Love, Colt.

She closed the letter, tears streaming down her face as she laid down on her bed. He was at her graduation, and when she left for Langston. She was hurting but she knew she had to move on, and now with his jacket she had a piece of him with her.

Two weeks went by in the blink of an eye, before she knew it she was back at Langston.  She drug her luggage down the long hall to her dorm room, she reached for her key, opening her door she walked into a different room then when she left. The opposite side of the room, once empty was decorated in pink, pink as far as the eye could see. Ellie flung her bags onto the bed, collapsing next to them when the sound of the door opening startled her. She sat up, eyes wide staring at the person in front of her. "Hey roomie!"

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[xlittlelionhamiltonx]

To Me Belongeth Vengeance

{{happy belated bday, @prodigyofprincetoncollegex !! I love you dearly!}} 

“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

Humbly. Is man ever humble? Does man ever trust in God and His divine plan? 

No. No... humankind was yet a child, stumbling with every step and crying loudly when it fell and scraped its knee. Humankind was a mess, unsure and afraid, and continually disappointing its Father... not that He would ever admit to that...

Sacrilege, Alexander. Your Father is purity and honesty incarnate.

And still... people kill. They hurt and they maim and they torture... they do all that they are instructed not to do, and still, they thrive. 

Why do you not strike them down, Father? Why do you let them go on? 

“Ah!” Alexander curls in on himself, one hand pressed against the wound drawn so haphazardly upon his abdomen, the knife in his free hand shaking violently. He has overstepped. He has sinned, if in thought, alone, and he has beckoned this punishment. 

“God does not ask for perfection. He does not abandon His children for their doubts... for their questions...”

Alex perks up a little, blinking his eyes open and focusing on the peaked wooden ceiling above the empty choir loft. Father Burr seems to have foregone the Old Testament. He chooses not to preach fire and brimstone, though Alex knows that is what he lives and breathes. 

“No father could condemn his own child’s curiosity. Our Father is a good Father, brothers and sisters; he would not discourage the wandering thoughts that He, Himself, has made our minds capable of producing.” 

Does He not, then, Father Burr, condemn His children for taking advantage of the capability he has put in our hands to kill? 

Alex is panting, labored breaths, chest rising and falling like the ocean’s wicked tide. He drops his head over to the side, sweat dripping across his features in tiny, salty rivulets. He blinks his dark eyes a few times, clearing his vision as he attempts to focus on the pale, unseeing eyes that greet him. 

“He loves you for being all that you were created to be. He loves your bravery and ambition, your intelligence and your hope. Unconditionally. As only a Father can.”

“He sounds quite convincing for not believing a word of it, hm?” Alex’s hushed question is met with the cold silence of the dead. He regrets that he had to take action here, knowing Aaron abhors such graphic fits of violence. But it is a weeknight mass, quiet and held in absence of the choir, the pianist seated just near the altar so she might double as a reader for tonight’s scripture. 

The man had offered him no choice. Alexander had often seen him sitting upon a bench near the playground adjacent the church, watching the children play until the last had gone home. Alex had noticed, he had felt that familiar dread that raised the fine hairs upon his nape, and he knew that the matter needed his attention. 

His perch upon the roof of the chapel was typically overlooked by all but the priest whom called the sanctuary his home, and even he was keen to leave Alexander to his own devices. 

God’s will. He trusts in God’s will, not in you. 

It is a warm summer evening, but he still wears long pants and sleeves, covering every twisted scar and elegant scrawl painted upon his brown flesh. He is accustomed to the heat, considering where he grew up, and he pulls his sleeves down a little more, hood up as he studies the scene before him. 

It was only his second day minding this odd man, and already his is given justification for his suspicion. But he is not satisfied. He is not pleased with himself for having faith in God’s word. No... when he sees the man approach a young boy, handing him what appears to be a chocolate bar from his pocket before beckoning him away from the other kids, Alexander is angry. He is disappointed and disenchanted and so goddamn sad, so goddamn heartbroken... and he speaks to his Father... his Lord... the one for whom he protects these broken, ugly creatures...

“I cannot fix them, Father. I cannot vanquish all these wayward lambs. My God, you would have no flock left to watch.” He feels the heat behind his eyes and he fights it angrily, clenching his teeth and rising up from his perch. 

“But let thy will be done.” He drops from the rooftop with unnatural ease, crouching only a handful of seconds before he rises and makes his way toward the nefarious acts being committed. 

It takes him only a moment to reach the pair. He ignores the indignant look on the man’s face as he pulls the boy aside and tells him to return to his friends.  The child is already retreating when Alex finds himself in pursuit of the adult, the man having taken the opportunity to run, as men do when faced with the truth.

It could not even be labeled a fight, so short was the struggle. And Alex, left with a limp body and adrenaline pumping, had no choice but to lug the man up to the choir loft. Mass would begin any moment, after all, and he could hardly burden Aaron with a murder committed upon the estate. 

He murmered to the unconscious form as he moved, more than accustomed to this art of deception.

“I got you buddy, just a little further and you can sleep off that Irish dinner of yours...” 

He is grateful that almost no one crosses their path, and that even fewer take much interest in them. They manage to make it in through the back entrance and a quarter of the way up the stairs without incident. But God does work in mysterious ways, does he not?

It is then, surrounded by naught more than the distant sound of lambs eager to atone, shifting in their pews, and that old, musky smell that somehow settles as a permanent guest in well-loved temples, that Alexander’s plans are upset by the sharp, biting tip of a blade.

He cries out only briefly, clamping a hand over his mouth as he throws the man off of him, a pale fist clenching weakly at the fabric of his shirt. 

“Fucking die, you piece of shi-” 

The pervert is making his attempt at another meek thrust toward Alex’s neck, and the raven-haired man supresses the urge to pull back, instead pushing forward, forcing the attacker to stumble back, foot slipping off of the step and throwing him off balance long enough for Alex to land both palms solidly against his chest, sending him toppling down the stairs. 

His body hits the door that closes off the stairway from the foyer, and Alexander hopes that the noise is being drowned out by the chiming of the church bells. He wastes no time catching his breath, rushing down the steps and reaching forward to lock the door as he had neglected to before. A few, deep breaths, he gives the wound gifted him a quick assessment before leaning down and checking the man for signs of life. 

But his eyes are open and lacking the soul’s spark, his chest is still and his neck is bent at a notably unnatural angle. 

“No last rites for you, I’m afraid.” He exhales softly, picking up the fallen blade and tucking it away before gritting his teeth and hoisting the man up and over his shoulder, pushing down the pain of exertion and moving slowly up the stairwell. 

And that was how he ended up here, as he is, flat on his back, gasping for air and contemplating his next move. He had no worries about being rid of the corpse... once he had managed to remove it from this holy institute, at any rate. Which could prove to be a slightly tricky task if he hoped to avoid being discovered. 

“When we bow our heads in prayer and contemplation, I encourage you all to reflect upon the questions you have. What in the scripture gives you pause? Is there a question that you have told yourself one mustn’t dare ask? If so, now is the time.” 

“I have a question.” There is a new voice, deep and gruff and noticeably agitated. The creaking of wood indicates that the congregation is shifting in their pews, turning to identify the owner of this voice. 

“And I am here to help you find the answer, my son.” 

“I sure hope you can, Padre.” The voice is moving, the pews groaning as their occupants continue to follow the man’s path toward the altar. 

“See, I saw someone draggin’ my brother into this church just a few minutes ago, and I took a gander about the place while you was preachin’, but I didn’t see ‘im anywhere. You wouldn’t happen to know how to answer that mystery, would ya?” There are a few seconds of heavy silence, and it seems even the congregation is holding its breath, listening, waiting, right along with Alex. And when the man does speak again, the voice is quieter, more menacing, and the words make Alexander’s heart skip and his blood boil. 

“I hope you do, because I’d really, really hate to have to kill a man of God.” 

Alexander is up in a heartbeat, peering over the rail, doing what he can to stay cloaked by the shadow of the dim loft. What he sees only aggravates him further. The man is huge and looks as rough as he sounds, and he is towering over Aaron, standing mere inches before him. There is a spark of pride in Alex’s chest when he notes how steady Aaron appears, unwavering and unafraid. 

“I am afraid that I have seen nothing out of the ordinary this evening. But, if we were all to assist you, I am certain we could find your brother. Was he ill? Is there a chance this person was attempting to help him?” 

As he speaks, Alex wracks his brain for a solution to this little problem, a way to remain unseen and unheard and still put a stop to this man before he can do anything regrettable. 

“Not a good time to play dumb, priesty.” He moves forward, reaching out and clasping Aaron’s shoulder, stoking the fire burning in Alexander’s belly. 

And he knows what needs to be done. He knows how to save the priest and punish the sinner. And who better to do it than a ghost? What has he to fear? 

He crouches down, crawling to the lifeless body and ripping open the man’s shirt. He retrieves the dagger from his waistband, using it to carve into the man’s chest, no less certain in his action than he would be if it were pen to paper. When he is finished, he tucks the blade away, quickly pulling one shoe from the man’s foot, ignoring the pain and the sweat that is dripping down his face as he drags the lifeless pedophile back toward the railing. 

Once finished, he stands and takes in the scene unfolding on the altar below. It is not favorable, to say the least. The man is still near Aaron, still close enough to be touching him, but now he is staring out at the frightened church-goers, a twisted smile on his lips and a mania in his eyes. Aaron, despite how terrified he must be, somehow manages to look entirely at peace and in control of the situation. 

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

He needs to act now. He is the power upon which Aaron relies. He is the deliverance the man has preached. He mustn’t leave room for doubt.

“I will ask you one more time, and only one more, where -”

The words are interrupted by the thud of a shoe hitting the floor, the man’s focus quickly shifting toward the object in question. After a moment of confusion, recognition settles over his features, and he releases Aaron with little thought, moving forward and crouching down to retrieve the footwear. He turns it in his hand, looking around and then, finally, up. 

He hardly has the time to draw in a breath before the heavy body of his dead brother is crashing down upon him, pinning him down and drawing out a pained grunt. Alexander follows closely behind, landing with practiced ease, his hood pulled down over his eyes, head bowed and body crouched low as he speaks.

“Go. All of you.” He rises slowly, aggravated by the stunned silence surrounding him as he moves toward the struggling terrorist. 

“Go now!” A few gasps are followed by the sound of the creaking pews and rustling fabric and hurried footsteps, the people rushing to heed his command. He is upon the violent man just as he manages to push his brother’s body off of himself, his eyes barely able to lock onto Alex’s face before the blade has opened his throat, the blood flowing freely while the man chokes on it.  

Even as the man struggles to hold onto his meager life, Alex has ripped open his shirt and set metal to flesh, sketching out the scripture in violent crimson. 

Ne prohibueritis eos!

He steps away from the quickly dying heretic, setting forth in readjusting the cooling corpse of his equally evil brother, making certain that the first responders to the scene will not overlook His message. 

Mea est ultio.

“Forgive them, Father; they know not what they do.” Alexander turns to meet Aaron’s eyes, the air leaving his lungs when he sees the look on the young priest’s face. 

He had been wrong to do this. He had thought Aaron ready to bear witness to the wrath of the Almighty, but now... 

Aaron looked lost. Confused. Terrified. It wasn’t what Alex had wanted for him. Why did he not feel elated? Why was he not in awe of this divine intervention to which he’d borne witness? 

“Be not afraid, Aaron.” Alex rises. He approaches the stunned man carefully, his own dark eyes made darker by the adrenaline, his heart pounding in his chest and his pain all but forgotten. 

“These animals at your feet... they hunted the purest of God’s flock. They stole innocence and planted seeds of hatred.” 

He can hear the sirens approaching, and he knows he has little time. 

“Aaron.” No more than a whisper. He reaches out and trails his fingertips over the priest’s cheekbone, finally gaining the attention he’s been seeking. Aaron looks at him as though he is only just becoming aware of his presence, reaching up to grip his hand as he shakes his head, eyes quicly assessing the taller man’s body. 

“Alexander - you’re injured.” 

“And time will heal me, as it does all wounds.” He squeezes Aaron’s hand, chuckling quietly when the man seems to remember himself, pulling carefully away and taking a small step back. 

“You need a hospital.” 

“And you need to have faith.” Alex doesn’t regret the bite behind his words, even when Aaron flinches and looks away. 

The sirens are much too close now, and Alexander has wasted too much time tending to the priest’s shaken nerves. 

“Pray tonight, Aaron. When dawn arrives, so, too, shall your answer.” 

He heads toward the priest’s quarters, knowing he can escape from there unseen. He doesn’t look back as he retreats, but he sends up a quick prayer of his own. 

“Let him be loyal. Let him be of good faith. Stay his tongue, and stay my blade. Or, come tomorrow, I shall be anointed in blood once more.” 

[cuteandtwisted]

Hey! I was just wondering if u could talk more about your personal relationship with nyc? Like when did you move there, for what reason and what do you dislike/like about living in the city? Do you live with roommates? Or do you like attend a college and live in a dorm? I’m really interested in this as I’m planning on moving there! So would adore to hear your impression of it. love New York and love u!!

I love New York it's my favorite city in the world! I interned here while i was still in college (had two male roommates. It was very intense and awkward and i had a male friend stay with me in my room by the end of the summer) and i knew that it was the city for me. I moved here after college. I had one roommate, a girl this time. Now i live alone because it's easier? Idk. I just moved in though so im still getting used to it. Ive had roommates my whole life.New York is magical because no matter who you are you'll find your people. The diversity is insane and theres always things to do. Im passionate about film and music and i never have time to be bored because things are always happening. Im always at concets and the film societ of ny gives me life. New York is also full of people just like me. We need the high energy/stress to survive/thrive but we also like our alone time. I like walking throgh the city at 2am and feeling completely safe. I like that the subway never stops running. I like that you can go from one neighborhood to another and feel like you're in a completely different town. I just love love new york so much even if it's humid and gross in the summer and cold as hell in the winter. I love the people and i love brooklyn and i love the east village and i just love everything. Thank you for coming to my ted talk

[theselfshippingwitch]

You and doofenschmirtz( if that's how you spell it?) For the fall meme!

its ok i dunno how to spell it either

Who gets excited about Halloween in July: ooooh me totally its August 1st and im already decorating

Who starts wearing sweaters and scarves on the first day of September and completely overheats: probably heinz (but he doesnt even overheat i mean he’s wearing a black turtleneck in the middle of summer its gotta be his body temp is just super low)

Who thrives in Fall/Who prefers Summer and warm weather: i feel like both of us prefer fall tbh heinz burns so easily in the sun and i just prefer the fall weather

Who thinks the other looks so cute when they’re cold and trying to fight it with 50 sweaters: i do bc tbh heinz gets cold so easily and so hes probably complaining about the cold and i’m just giggling cuz hes so darn cute

Who offers the other their jacket: okay listen heinz may complain about the cold for hours on end but the second i show any sign of being the least bit chilly he will give me every article of clothing on his person until i am no longer cold

Who doesn’t want to get out of bed in the morning because it’s too cold and has to run from the warm covers to the shower: i feel like heinz would do this tbh cuz he’s such a baby and then i would just get up and make coffee

Who touches the other with their freezing cold feet at night: i move around a lot in my sleep tbh so probably me

Who makes the hot cider to snuggle under a blanket and drink: i do!!! i’m very good at making stuff like that and i love cooking/baking for heinz!!!

Who loves carving pumpkins and buys about 300: me again omg i so would

Who is terrible at carving pumpkins: heinz until he builds some sort of inator to do it for him and then now we actually have time to carve all 300 of those pumpkins

Who thinks pulling the pumpkin guts out with their hands is icky: this sounds like something heinz would complain about tbh so i just do it for him instead

What is their favourite Fall activity: oooh well i really really love going to those farms where there’s apple picking and pumpkin patches and they bake fresh apple cider donuts and you can just walk around and taken all the beautiful fall colors on the trees and stuff thats my favorite

Who gets scared when they watch Horror movies: heinz definitely does bc hes scared of so many things and i have to hold him and comfort him until he feels better

Who hands out candy to trick-or-treaters: both of us! heinz really likes kids and i love seeing all the neat costumes so we both go to the door to hand out candy!

Who accidentally scares the kids: uhhhhh heinz isnt an evil scientist anymore but he still *looks* like an evil scientist so...

Who suggested the couples costume: i probably did tbh

What is their couples costume: i feel like i would go with something more cutesy than scary in this case so i would probably pick belle and the beast from beauty and the beast

What is the best Halloween they ever had: i feel like sometime after the professor time thing we would have awesome halloween parties every year so probably one of those is the best halloween we’ve ever had

What is the worst Halloween they ever had: they first halloween they spent together i only had this tiny studio apartment and heinz was crashing at the murphys house so we didnt really have a place of our own to hand out candy (but it wasnt all bad bc the murphys let us hang out with them)

Who eats too much candy and ends up sick the next day: You would probably think this is heinz but tbh its me i have a really bad sweet tooth and especially on halloween i eat a lot of candy

[hogsteeth-archive]

alright then i answered one of them oc questions things for both versions of ira bc like. why wouldnt i. first answer is 1976 58y/o rhodesian ira, second answer is 201x 16y/o houstonian ira. i just wanted to figure out how different they really are. questions from here. if readmores still dont work on mobile im sorry lmao

what are some things they have strong opinions about?

he has sort of a cioranian attitude to the value of life, like, hes one of them “theres always reason to kill a man, theres no way to justify his living” types. he doesnt believe in nationalism per se but he does believe in war, hes literally a mercenary, and hed probably get along just fine with someone like mike hoare, but hes not one for unnecessary cruelty. hes kind to who he considers innocent. if he was alive today i can see him getting grouped w/ like, anti-natalists, right-wing “primitivists,” people who browse /fo/, people who think theyll thrive in the post-apocalypse even though they cant even spin yarn, people who dont understand fallout, you know, those types, but i like to think his attitude wrt civ is closer to perlmans or, well, mine. its a good thing he doesnt live in internet times. he thinks technology makes people complacent and weak and hes fallen into the trap of the “noble savage” myth; sign of the times. he could just as easily live off the grid in like, alberta, but he chose to stay in southern africa bc of his colonial attitudes & fetishization of the “less developed.” (sidenote, if youre like, new here n reading this for some reason, yea i write like really really bad characters were talking irredeemably evil here, just like, know that im aware of that.) also he detests hippies for both bad and good reasons ⸻ not much, really, hes an opportunist, a hedonist, hes selfish, goes w/ the flow. he thinks denying yourself pleasure for no reason is microfascism — not in those words — and while he doesnt think that selfishness leads to a bettering of overall society, hes no randian, he feels justified in what he does. hes uh, a mercenary in spirit and ive always intended to have him join the marines n later work for a pmc but were nowhere near there yet

what traits do they like in other people? what traits do they not like?

he likes people (men, that is) that are exactly like him. he likes Narrator bc hes just as quiet, as patient, as stubborn, as antisocial (using that the right way here, i like, know about psychology), as violent, as old-timey-ly masculine as he is. he can tolerate clade (his former accountant) bc she keeps to herself and shes loyal to a fault, but he doesnt go out of his way to like, actually talk to her. he likes will bc he reminds him of what he was like as a child living with his matabele mother. ⸻ he hates everything he perceives as weakness, but hes not all that open about that, i think hes not even 100% aware thats what it is. he needs to be talked back to. he lacks compassion, doesnt know how to deal w/ anyone whos less resilient and abrasive than himself.

do they have a significant other? if so, who?

i mean, theres Narrator — thats kinda what this whole thing is about. but theyll never think of each other that way. its complicated. theyre uh… closer to being marlow and kurtz than to being boyfriends. idk how to explain it. its bad. ⸻ hes fake-dating millah for appearances and secretly seeing jack, im not sure about the details either so im not getting into that, but hes eventually gonna meet will; ive written their first encounter like ten different ways and i still dont really know what i wanna do w/ them........ also Complicated

whats their friend group like? what role do they play (leader, mom friend, etc.)?

he lives in a hut he built w/ his bare hands on the edge of the kalahari. his friends are one horse and one vaalboskat. ⸻ he uses his friends but they use him too. hes reasonably popular bc hes athletic n wealthy, but i think the only one of his friends who really truly sees thru his act is millah, and bc he doesnt take her seriously as a threat, she has more control over him than he realizes.

do they care about their physical appearance? whats their routine like?

nah ⸻ not really. he showers too often and his hairs kinda dry but other than that hes like. Normal. idk i dont care about these things

do they have any physical or mental disabilities?

i dont think so ⸻ he has adhd

what would they die for? kill for?

oh hes not picky. he joined the military at 17, hes made peace w/ the prospect of dying. hes been more uncomfortable w/ the thought of growing old, actually. and again, hes literally a mercenary. not a big deal to him. ⸻ i dont think hes selfless enough to die for anyone. hed kill to protect the people he cares about, but thats more just bc hes possessive. im sure thats gonna come up eventually. i cant really write shit w/o weaving murder in somewhere.

do they have any magical powers or abilities? if its a realistic world, what religion do they follow?

absolutely the fuck not i hate magic. hes not religious, actually feels a little intimidated by religion. in one version of his story he spends his 50s on east nusa tenggara where he doesnt live far from a church, and he makes peace w/ the concept of god thanks to the influence of catholic-raised Narrator, but i doubt hell ever actually step foot into a church, or temple, or mosque, or what-have-you. hes internalized some things during his upbringing though that he doesnt classify as religious. little superstitions. he likes to keep objects that may be used for divination around his house, but he never touches them. ⸻ not religious, but if he had to pick, like to pretend, hed say baptist.

do they celebrate any holidays? how do they celebrate?

nah ⸻ like, the regular american ones. hell welcome any excuse to drink and to socialize, and id say his favorite holiday is the 4th of july, really just bc he likes warm weather and theres not a lot else you can celebrate in the middle of summer. hes not attached to the significance of any holidays. hes not crazy about christmas but he likes his family well enough and hell go along w/ it all, just to have sth to do. hes not good w/ time off.

if they were the protagonist in any book series, what series would they choose? alternatively: what would be their favorite book?

he doesnt really read but hed feel right at home inside heart of darkness or maybe the thin red line. or maybe sth by mccarthy ⸻ hes 16 he hasnt read jack shit. i wanna say deleuze would probably resonate w/ him bc hes a total self-insert but i really dont know. i try to keep the intertextuality way low bc i hate that shit in most fiction, so like, i try not to think too much about other books here

do they have any vices?

uh he drinks and he occasionally smokes opium but compared to most of my characters hes pretty okay wrt that ⸻ yea like… all of them. already said hes a hedonist make of that what u will

do they play any instruments?

nope ⸻ violin but he hasnt been practicing a lot lately

what would their favorite ride at an amusement park be?

hes never been to one ⸻ i feel like hed be into sth really lame… like you know that video by jenny nicholson, top ten lame things to do at disney world? sth like that. like hed go just to get a specific food item or to admire the infrastructure

what animal would they say best represents them?

hyena 100%. the spotted kind. id say tortoise also but hed find that insulting ⸻ id say hyena but hed be reluctant to answer that bc hes a Youth and he knows what a furry is

how do they act when theyre drunk?

vulnerable. little more talkative. he talks to himself (or the cat, rather) sometimes ⸻ more abrasive/tactless/impulsive. he talks w/ his whole body and feels like moving/running bc, again, self-insert

which era of history would they most like to live in?

the old west, like early to mid-19th century, maybe late 18th. that or like the really olden days, like mid-paleolithic ⸻ idk maybe like ten or twenty years earlier. i think he fits the 21st century pretty well. hes a curious person though and if he had a time machine hed go Everywhere at least once

whats their favorite food?

ah thats. complicated actually i have a whole list of foods that remind me of Narrator but ive never gotten around to making one for ira. hm. he likes poultry, like ostrich. white fish. dry/salty foods. sour fruit. breadfruit. fatty dark meats, blood sausage. hes not picky though, hell live on pap and water if he has to. ⸻ i genuinely dont know. im not used to the contemporary western setting yet like… pop tarts exist in the same world as he does and im not comfortable w/ that yet. like, branded food articles wrapped in plastic. thats so weird to me. i guess he likes (american) pizza w/ greens on it, like spinach? and seafood. sour candies, maybe, i dont think he has much of a sweet tooth. he puts salt n butter on potatoes and cottage cheese on pancakes.

what songs remind you of them?

conveniently theres a whole playlist rite here

whats their favorite season and why?

dry season. he doesnt like cloudy/foggy weather bc it makes him feel trapped when he cant see as far. ⸻ summer. i honest to god think people liking cold weather is a conspiracy like im not sure thats even biologically possible. like summer is the obvious answer here

which d&d class would they play as?

nah we dont do nerd shit round these parts

whats their favorite expletive?

he like, barely talks ⸻ nothin weird thats for sure, we campaign for simple straight-forward language in this house. having a Favorite is inherently at odds w/ that. bad question

whats their favorite candle scent?

no scented candles in the desert ⸻ sth fruity but not sweet, like mixed berries, sth red or purple

how do they feel about death?

he doesnt ⸻ hed feel cheated by life if he died young. he has a lot to see and do and itd like, bum him out not to get to do that but hes not afraid of death

do they collect anything? whats their most prized possession?

he lives pretty austerely but he does keep little rocks and gems and bones and pieces of wood n such. also coins from all the countries hes been to bc hes a simple old man. i wanna say his most prized possession is his hogs tooth bc he does value the marines a lot still. its where he first met Narrator :-) ⸻ he really appreciates gifts people give him, things that remind him of people. jack carved him an eagle once

do they play any sports?

no ⸻ nothing too organized. i dont think hes on any school teams bc idk if he has the time but that might change. he does run/hunt/fish/shoot

what one place do they really want to visit and why?

he likes deserts, wide open spaces. hes been to the kalahari n namib but not the gobi/sahara/simpson etc, so, those. no ice deserts though those scare him ⸻ polynesia/southeast asia, just tropical places in general. bc theyre nice what do you want me to tell you. tropics good

what languages do they speak?

northern ndebele, afrikaans, english (w/ various influences), some vietnamese ⸻ english, some cajun french, some spanish

what are some items they always carry? what weapon do they favor using if they exist in a world where weapons are necessary?

hes got his fal obviously and he does always carry a knife, just to be safe. more out of habit than actual necessity (not to imply rural areas were safe in the late 70s, but he lives in the literal wilderness, hes not much of a target. stays away from roads and all that.) ⸻ man hes really not as classy as i want him to be :/ he probably has like, a glock 17 w/ ten thousand pointless modifications n some uglyass stipling pattern. hes a little bit paranoid + irresponsible n carries all kinds of shit he doesnt need, mostly way too much cash

which emoji would they use the most?

no ⸻ he doesnt have a phone, hell maybe use a burner if he has to. this is an anti-phone household

what fantasy race would they be? if they already are one, pick a different one.

absolutely not

do they want to start a family? if they already have one, describe it.

no ⸻ no

what stereotypical high school clique would they fit into?

hed swing between the jrotc kids n the stoners honestly, but still mostly keep to himself ⸻ hes like, too much of a jock for the Delinquents, too much of a Delinquent for the jocks. hes really only popular bc hes rich-ish n blessed w/ good looks, and by association w/ millah

whats one thing that they dont need do they waste the most money on?

he doesnt ⸻ everything. hes really wasteful. he buys more food than he can eat, clothes he never wears, etc etc, hes terrible

what kind of shoes do they wear?

combat boots or just traditional sandals. the terrain around his house is mostly grass and flat boulders so he goes barefoot a lot ⸻ regular tennis shoes, nothin too fashionable bc he cant be bothered to keep up w/ trends, but usually clean n new. hiking boots when hes not w/ his regular friend group

do they believe in ghosts, aliens, and the occult in general?

really dont like how aliens are always grouped in w/ esoteric shit bc like, thats like asking if you believe in atoms honestly. no shit “aliens” exist thats like not up for debate. both iræ would agree w/ me here. 70s ira doesnt believe in like, Ghosts per se, but he has some vague concept of spirits that he got from his mother. he sees/feels them when hes half asleep. ⸻ 2010s ira doesnt believe in jack shit

which deadly sin do they most correspond to? which heavenly virtue?

nooo cardinal sins dont work that way theyre not hogwarts houses. its so much more complicated than that thats impossible

if you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, what would it be?

hmmm four of swords? knight of coins? eight of cups? this is hard ⸻ seven of swords? nine of cups? the devil? i dont know

what do they consider to be their best quality? what actually is their best quality?

his strength, which is really just his callousness and lack of convictions. and uh. i guess his independence ⸻ same here for the first part. and. maybe his loyalty? i dont consider loyalty a good thing personally idk

what do they consider to be their worst quality? what actually is their worst quality?

his lack of social skills maybe? he doesnt need them too often of course but like, the first time Narrator showed up at his doorstep he was genuinely nervous and that did fill him w/ some semblance of shame and in his eyes he should be good at everything, so like. that. really its his lack of conviction and his timidness/avoidance of the world ⸻ his dependence on others/lack of discipline. really its his lack of compassion, like, obviously

[flowerconcept-blog]

high school teacher!doyoung 🐰💖

doyoung teaches history! it’s perfect for him because he’s good at memorizing facts and dates and also as english teacher johnny likes to say, he’s a good teacher because he loves to hear himself talk

he often slips into chatterbox mode in class but his students like him and sometimes he likes to tell them weird historical facts he’s found and sometimes gets off topic and tells them about conspiracies

he likes to wear different color ties and socks, because the teachers have a dress code but he incorporates color into his outfits in a subtle way

whereas some of the other teachers look sloppy sometimes, doyoung always looks PERFECT like u see him and you’re like oh, he’s got his life together he sleeps 8 hours a night

his slacks are always neatly ironed his hair is always parted neatly down the middle basically he always looks neat

in reality he's not actually that put together he just drinks enough coffee to kill a small child every morning when he wakes up at 6am and goes on autopilot from there

he loves teaching but a lot of the time he regrets not pursuing his passion....... singing ......  a lot of the time he and music teacher taeil spend lunch together listening to music

he still practices the flute and singing but he's kind of shy about it and doesn't sing in public

except for that one time a bunch of the teachers went to noraebang and got really drunk and doyoung sang snsd's gee beautifully

taeyong still likes to bring it up

but anyways you have known doyoung since you've started at the school, you teach art and your classroom is across from taeil's so you're always bumping into doyoung

the two of you are friendly but you are admittedly a little awkward around him because he seems so professional and smart and you are basically intimidated by him

plus you find him very very cute and have a hard time making eye contact with him

which.... a couple of your older students picked up on when doyoung came into your classroom asking for some construction paper and you tripped over yourself and blushed when your hands brushed his

and since then you keep overhearing them gossiping about the two of you and even your other teacher friends sooyoung and joohyun like to tease you about it

doyoung doesn't notice it since he's dense, but he does notice how cute you are!!!!

at the end of the year the teachers go on a one night conference/retreat because the high school is a private school and they want the faculty to be open and friendly with each other

which would be fine if ten wasn't the one to book the hotel rooms

because when you get there late at night you're expecting to room with sooyoung or joohyun ..... and when they're together you assume you'll be with one of the older teachers but you open the door to your room and doyoung is unpacking and

there's only one queen sized bed

immediately you turn around and bang on ten's door across the hall but you just hear him giggling with johnny and then he's like "we're doing you a favor~~!!!!"

so you return and doyoung is like "ah..... i can sleep on the floor..... i'm sorry about the mixup....."

and you're like "no no no! i can sleep on the floor.... don't worry about it" and the two of you go back and forth for a minute or so both being polite until finally doyoung is like

"well.... it's just one night so im ok with sharing the bed.... i don't want your back to get messed up by sleeping on the floor"

and you figure that you can handle one night, you aren't a 12 year old after all

for ten minutes or so you go about your business in silence and then doyoung gets tired of the quiet and before you know it you're talking about his big brother and you're telling him about your childhood fish in your pajamas

and he's just so easy to talk to.... you never would have thought it would be but telling him your embarrassing first meeting with the principal is nothing and when he laughs his big loud laugh you can't help  but laugh along

even as you both get into bed (doyoung puts a pillow between you two because he can sense you're a little bit nervous) it's easy

and once the lights turn off the two of you still talk, doyoung quietly talks about chinese teacher sicheng's birthday party and you reply until you fall asleep he can hear your breath even out

in the morning when he wakes up, the two of you are still separated mostly by the pillow, but your hand managed to tangle together with doyoung's and you've pressed your feet to his legs

your hand is small in his and your hair is everywhere in your face, plus your feet are weirdly cold but doyoung feels the small crush he's had on you for a while grow

and he knows he wants to be able to wake up to you again

but he also knows that if you wake up clutching his hand you'll get nervous and uncomfortable, so he carefully pries your fingers off of his and then moves out of bed

you wake up right as he moves and when you see his normally neat hair standing up in tufts you laugh sleepily

when he scoffs a "what??" in an unfairly deep and attractive morning voice) you say "i've never seen you not look perfect before" without even fully realizing what you're saying

doyoung just grins

at the end of the retreat he asks if you'd like to get dinner sometime soon, and one date turns to two turns to twenty

when the summer break is over and he stops by on the first day to bring you your lunch, your entire class bursts into whispers

the two of you always stay professional at work, but in all honesty doyoung thrives off of the attention and rumors

likes to buy you flowers with a tiny note and leave them in your classroom to fuel the gossip, but also because he thinks you look pretty when you scold him for being so obvious

all the teachers go to noraebang and doyoung gets drunk AGAIN and serenades you...... ten gets it all on video and threatens to send it in an all-school email whenever either you or doyoung sass him

the teacher life can be hard but it's easier when you get to spend dinnertime with doyoung, sometimes grading together and complaining about students, sometimes talking about absolutely anything snuggled up on the couch

and now when doyoung wakes up at 6am, he has the person he loves AND coffee to get him to go to work

he says this to you once and you roll your eyes but kiss him anyways!!!!!👩‍🏫💛👨‍🏫

[kawaii-allcatrazz-the-smol]

/ACCESS!/ lemon, yellow ochre, golden deep, english red, cadmium red, violet rose, green, mars brown, sepia! 'Now pls torment me with questions!!' - You

First off - damn my fingers doing the job of my mouth. But okie!!!

lemon - i'd say any junk food will suffice, but i have a really soft spot for vietnamese takeout;

yellow ochre - just started (finally) listening to them today but i feel i'll be tormenting my neighbours a lot with Meshuggah :);

golden deep - summer/early fall; summer bc freedom, early fall bc the feel/it's still not cold as all hell, both bc colours;

english red - hmmm, i'd say it would be dogs, wolves and cats, in that order; dogs bc im a goof that just wants pats (and meat), wolves bc despite coming off as a loner for some reason i thrive among ppl and cats bc im just a nomadic snuggle hunter sometimes;

cadmium red - hmmm u///w///u i guess it would be blondes wearing glasses considering 2 out of three of my crushes, but i also happened to get a crush on someone who looks a lot like me so...? And if we're talking personality-wise: someone understanding and not opposed to being openly affectionate, and, perfectly, a human equivalent of a shitpost;

violet rose - it'd prolly cramped with stuff i'd have collected over time, tokens of adventures passed that i'd love to relive through the junk lying around the place; and besides that i'm a hoarder with a new hyperfixation every three or so months, so... yeah, "cramped" is all i'm sure of;

green - uk (and i will see ya there binch!!), canada (definetely going there someday, maybe even staying?), and thailand! (at least it's a neat idea for now, we'll see if it comes true though!);

mars brown - a tough one!! But i'd say... either "Into the Spiderverse" or "Atlantis: The Lost Empire"!!;

sepia - ok uhh 1) finishing all my tasks for the week on a friday, 2) snuggles, 3) wholesome gay shit, 4) good games of tabletop and vidya variety, 5) looking at fluid animation.

Good god, that should be all!!

[jaewvns-blog]

im spitting and screaming into the mf VOID!!! i cannot believe im out here .. rly out here thrivin and ready to give u all my one Love my one life my jb Voice one Heart . my name is bella n you can call me That Bitch for short, i reside in the pst, & im ready to truly do the most w my extra son jae honestly ? kick me out already. im bout to activity check my own ass! no but really i’m so excited and so ? sorry for the shit im about to stir so hold on tight for the wild mcfucking ride and smash that read more

[ MUSE J ] is that PARK JIMIN? since when was he a class of 2017 penn state graduate? oh, wait, nevermind, it’s just JAEWON “JAE” JEE. he’s TWENTY ONE years old, majored in PSYCHOLOGY, and SAYS HE WANTS DONTTRUSTME BY 3OH!3 PLAYED ON A LOOP AT HIS FUNERAL. he’s a bit RECALCITRANT and STOIC, but also very CONCILIATORY and ADROIT. i heard he’s off to a villa in maui with a group of his friends, but as the resident REVELER, who knows how far he’ll go until his friend vacation turns into total island madness? (cis male, bisexual)

jae was always born from a different breed?? thats so lame to say but its so real bc he was nothing like his family . given that he was an only child, his parents directed a lot of attention and time toward him to give him not only a fulfilling childhood but also live vigorously through him which could get so ugly sometimes. they were, as they would put it, “going to be damned if he wasn’t successful in something.”

he was an introverted kid, so they were always forcing him to be social and forcing him into tons of different sports and performing arts in hopes that he would find his knack. jae was young, but he wasn’t stupid and he knew that their intentions weren’t entirely to make him happy but rather make them feel like fulfilled parents. but luckily, throughout all of this, he ended up finding his passion on his own while waiting for his violin lesson. he could hear from outside a room an adult during their own piano lesson and he was so enthralled and enchanted by the sound of the music that he was like yo what the FUCK!!!!

so, in a very jee family way, they immediately put him into lessons and jae fucking fell in love with it. he was so passionate about it that he would eat sleep and shit fuckin piano it was all he wanted to do ever. and honestly ?? the more he matured the better he became. he was a born natural and it was something that made him genuinely happy, something that he wanted to pursue professionally on his own. he knew that by the age of 12

but by the age of 18 that was all ruined

filling in that time gap, things got progressively more difficult for jae. he ( in attempts to make his parents happier ) let them guide his line of sight towards particular majors that he could take up. his parents saw education as a better opportunity for success than a professional piano player did. it was incredibly ironic considering they had so willingly tossed him into the lessons in the first place, but jae had learned from a very young age that his parents were walking contradictions. they would knock him down, making comparisons to the two on whether or not he wanted to be “a lowlife playing piano in old restaurants” or “be unbelievably successful within a realistic career.” it was cold, but jae was used to it. he had to accept those words in order to stay in lessons so he kept his mouth shut for years.

however, pressure between his parents and peers was something always cracking away at him. as he grew up, his talent growing with him, he wasn’t as introverted anymore and instead cocky. he knew he was good and he knew he was attractive because of he thrived off the attention. 

his father died of cancer when he was 16 which was a cruel reality check. it reminded him that everything is temporary and only lit an fire under his mothers ass to be mean as fuck. she threatened to take away his piano lessons if he didn’t become more serious about schooling because she felt he owed it to his father. so, reluctantly, he accepted his fate and did exactly that. it was around that time that jae started forcing himself to show more interest in school ( i.e. he stopped ditching classes, put forth more effort into his grades, etc ). despite how reluctant he always was to actually attend school and willingly advance, once he actually tried, his grades were impeccable. so impeccable, in fact, that high-end colleges started to take notice of him for not only his schooling but his capabilities on the piano as well.

not only was he cocky, he was getting noticed and it was was infuriating. things didn’t really heat up until the end of his senior year when he aced his audition for juilliard and quickly became the schools golden senior. sure, it infuriated a lot of his classmates out of spite and jealousy, but it didn’t piss anyone off more than it did for a kid named andrew . he HATED jae with a burning passion . he was jealous, he was racist, and he was evil. it didn’t faze jae until one night in particular that andrew and his gang of white devils figured out his schedule after following him around and cornered him

in summary, they beat the fucking shit out of him. he tried to put up a fight of course, but he was out numbered. they broke one of his ribs, bruised him up, but more importantly they took a baseball bat to his hand. multiple times. they destroyed it, and it was the beginning of the end

after being hospitalized, he found out he had to get surgery in his right hand which required a metal rod that replaced a bone entirely because of how shattered it was . it would have been fine, of course, if it didn’t throw piano out the window for him, which obviously, it did. the break in his hand was life changing because it’s a battle he still has to face even years later. about two years after he received the initial surgery, he had to get another one to fuse the arthritis that set in. 

he was fucking miserable and was forced to relive the thought every day in rehab, every painkiller he took, and every moment he spent in his room. at only the age of 18, he was mortified, heartbroken and angry. the reminder was too much to bare, making him sometime later take a baseball bat, ironically, to the piano which rested in the corner of his room. his mother tried to seek him help, the rehab center for his hand tried to sick therapists on him, but he never wanted to talk about it. he became cold and resigned and it changed who he was entirely

eventually, his mother gave up and their relationship went stale entirely. however, it wasn’t much of a loss for jae because he didn’t see much of a relationship between them in the first place. after a summer spent in recovery, he became an incredibly cold and resigned person for about a year and a half. it changed his personality and impacted a lot of his relationships negatively. when he was accepted into penn state, he remained pretty aloof from his classmates, lowkey gaining a reputation among his peers that obviously wasn’t that great. he was a heartbreaker and an asshole, and it wasn’t until he met muses c & k that he began to change as a human being. they were just overall really detrimental in bringing out the normal, functioning and kind human being that was in jaewon originally.

now, he’s honestly??? SO FUNNY SDLFJ like hes such a witty smart ass n he’s just so beautiful and always looking for a thrill and a party in everything he does. this trip is a positive thing for him because it’s giving him an opportunity to be with some of his closest friends and really grow and give him an excuse to be free-spirited. sometimes he .. wylin a little too hard but he means well and he’s just my son Okay

I RLY DID TRY AND MAKE THIS SHORTER HELPPEP im so embarassed but um ... if u actually read all of that ? a saint and if u don’t just tell me and ill try my best to sum it up w/o crytyping but ummmm m im a slut for plots so plot w me before i drop dead n ??? delete me blog