#im watching joyland

[variousqueerthings]

something that strikes me about joyland vs many other films centering trans women, is that biba’s story is one that interweaves with various cisgender women -- while it does have scenes showing her community, which is notably a place she is happy and safe and able to let her guard down, her actual story stands in comparison to other cis women, who likewise are comparable to each other. she’s not the “othered” woman to their “normative” woman, she’s a woman, whose perspective is relevant to a story largely about women

the part where her being transgender is important (and it is important!), is that she has taken the necessary steps in life to be freely herself, and this has come at great cost, but it’s also working. she knows the pain that comes with that and we see a lot of it in the movie itself, but she’s definitely also got the joy that comes from a certain kind of freedom (the freedom of creating a new reality after everything is gone)

so in that sense, the main contrast of her as “trans woman” to their “non-trans woman,” is that it’s given her the opportunity for joy precisely because the margins -- once everything has perceivably been lost -- is where that joy is to be created, whereas the other women whose stories we see are clinging to what scraps they have. they aren’t happy, not because they’re women, but because the little bits that they do have in the society in which they function, are things they’re too afraid to lose to stand up for what they want 

nucchi at first appears to be happy as a housewife, desperate to produce a son, but she gets stripped away, bit by bit, merely as someone who can tolerate the role she has. she studied to be an interior designer, I believe it was, and it makes perfect sense, once she shares that piece of information with mumtaz. she comes into focus -- and then she’s the one who suggests that she and mumtaz leave the house together (gasp) to go to the amusement park, for their One Good Day

and mumtaz you simply see deteriorate, until she’s on the verge of doing the one thing that might help -- running away -- and then cannot go through with it. I think at least one of the reasons is that she’s wondering if maybe she can do this after all, if maybe once she tells haider that she’s pregnant something will open up, but instead the future closes in and in and in. she doesn’t manage to grab that one sliver of freedom she had (and it would have come with so much pain), and the ending starts careening at the viewer from that point onwards

the second-to-last scene, where you see haider and mumtaz talk prior to their wedding is just... oof. ouch. mumtaz :( me, sitting in this movie screaming at the screen to just get her the damned air-conditioners she wanted, at least! one thing!

and then lastly the neighbouring woman, who at first presents herself as all about that propriety, and who you then realise is at the end of what this journey is going to be. no longer useful, only a ghost, not even allowed to leave the house, and there’s no way she’ll do anything but accept this, even as she feels, deep down, there’s some way to have joy, and she even briefly offers a small fight for it, before she accepts her fate anew

in the face of all of this, biba’s is the story with the most hope, presenting out and proud transness as a gift rather than a burden that must be borne because nothing else is possible, as it often is. biba is not in a society where she’s safe, or accepted, or respected -- hell, she’s clearly the least privileged person we follow in this film -- but she is free

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

hello, im very much new to your blog and i suppose you have gotten asks like this before but i find what you post very comforting. especially the church notes and such. although im only skimming through it since for large chunks of text i like to sit down. i guess im thankful (best term i can find to describe it) that you post as you do. hope your days are well.

hi anonymous;

appreciate that, i:ll have more church notes tomorrow (because it:s the righteous sabbath tomorrow);

was watching a wc3 grubby video earlier and remembered last night i had one of those "tedium nightmares" where, in the dream, i spent money on buying wc3 and started playing it only to realize i am too dumb and slow to ever be competent at ranked wc3, and that sitting down to play it was like trying to take in too much information--the buildings, unit groups, hotkeys, micro, macro, orders, counters, how to use scouting information, how to manage the shop, how to know timers and creep camps;

finished listening to cujo, joyland, and bag of bones (stephen king audiobooks) recently; finished reading my brilliant friend by elena ferrante; might have just been looking for an excuse to blog a little (ever since i stopped posting so much on twitter i:ve been realizing i don:t have a good enough memory to remember what happened during a month); take care.

[kummatty]

tagged by @igneousbody 🥰🐣💐🪐

currently reading: securing paradise by vernadette vicuña gonzalez, and whale by cheon myeong-kwan (trans. chi-young kim), im trying to keep my focus on 2-3 books max at a time

favorite color: forest green

last song I listened to: poovullo daagunna, unnikrishnan - my love sends me a song everyday 😭 otherwise I havent been listening to music much

last movie I watched: joyland, dir. said sadiq

sweet, spicy, or savory: spicy but im always glad these kinds of questions have no bearing on life and I can happily have all of them

currently working on: not letting stress sink in beneath my skin and wreak havoc internally; and enjoying my time here

tagging @nicholasbritellhive @redweathertiger @phenakistoskope @khlur @hyperculture and anyone else who wants to <3

[saepiae]

watched joyland and im probably going to be thinking abt it for a week now

[variousqueerthings]

finally watching joyland and I can tell I’m going to be a damned mess

[variousqueerthings]

great freedom 🤝 joyland

queer existence may be treated as unwanted and even criminal, but it’s potentially full of far more freedom and community and joy than can be found by clinging desperately to systems that make you force yourself into tinier versions of selfhood, just to maintain correct ways of being, and although there is likely punishment and loss and pain that these smaller people will dole out to force queerness out of existence, the fight is worth it, and the self is worth it, and the joy is worth it

[variousqueerthings]

according to letterboxd i've watched 261 films this year (not counting un-logged films and the couple of weeks left to go)

so despite being tripped up in my plans by suddenly speedrunning doctor who these last couple of months, it's not been a bad year on the whole:

watched my first horror exploitation films -- "cannibal holocaust" and "last house on the left." I cannot say this genre will ever be a favourite, but there is a fascination to the uncomfortable feeling of realism in both of these

overall I watched much less horror this year, partially because I spent october travelling, so didn't do my usual one-per-day themed watch. out of these "lair of the white worm," (generally want to go down more of a ken russell rabbithole next year) "ravenous," (the best cannibal film that nobody's ever seen) and "nightbreed" (the other clive barker directed, which, listen, it may have flaws but it doesn't I tell you, this is a perfect movie!!!) stood out the most, but was also positively surprised by both "return of the living dead" (which, yes, was schlock, but very enjoyable schlock) and "the ritual" (I was expecting to like the ritual, but not for it to feel incredibly personal somehow -- the underrated of the two horrors I know of about english-speaking tourists with trauma trying to recover in the swedish wilderness, by far my favourite!)

also, finally watched the original "the exorcist" which... argh, you know when people say "this thing is really good" and you go sureeeee whatever, it's ruined by the hype and the way you talk about it makes me think I'm not gonna like it, and then you watch it and it's really good dammit!

also, i was convinced I watched "nope" last year, but it may be this year. I watched it three times this year, and I didn't log it last, so that means I get to go ohhhhh "nope" is just a movie of all time, it deserves the future cult status it's gonna have, I've been yelling about it with @le-red-queen because finally finally someone I know has also watched it why does it feel like my friends are sleeping on this film????

also! "prey"!!!!! ohhhhh the future of horror looks bright! my favourite predator film, including the first one. it made my brain buzz, it was beautiful, it's incredibly blunt statement that the predator is barely a threat compared to rapidly expanding colonialism, the lead's journey is stellar and painful and punch-the-air and... great film

I got to spend a lot of january watching a film festival that centred on movies by indigenous people "from Turtle Island and around the world" (as it says on the website -- definitely and understandably mainly around america and canada). favourite of these was "honey moccasin" a fascinating little comedy movie that maybe predictably hooked me because it also had a queer focus within its portrayal of community

also at a local queer film festival, got to see "wildhood" a movie about a gay multiethnic mi’kmaw teen, who goes on a roadtrip looking for his mother -- think this is probably one that would be difficult to find otherwise, so youknow... check out local film festivals you never know what you'll see!

have gone on several rambles about "great freedom" and "joyland," movies that I watched relatively close together that have basically haunted me all year, acting as comparisons to nearly everything else I've seen -- think they've put ideas about queer stories in my head that are exemplified in a lot of queer writing and avant garde film-making, but often isn't seen on such a big scale, budget and quality-wise (this not to say the small-budget films are less worthy, it was just a bit heady to get to see these two and be blown over by their largeness). also something about a film that takes place in post-wwii germany and a film that takes place in modern-day pakistan feeling like they belong together to me. they're thematic, philosophical, political kin

got to go deeper into todd haynes, with "safe" and "poison" (yes yes we're super late to the todd haynes dive, but sometimes you just want to rewatch velvet goldmine a million times forever, so it takes you awhile to get to his other greatest hits). very excited to watch his latest film, sad i can't see it in theatres

watched quite a few queer documentaries, including "lotus sports club" (about a football club in indonesia run by a trans man, that provides a safe place to lesbians and trans boys), "you don't know dick" (interviews with trans men in the 90s), rose von praunheim's "transexual menace" (a sprawling, seemingly random depiction of trans people in the US -- a million amazing portraits), and "kokomo city" (a documentary about black trans women sex workers, directed by d smith, who is herself a black trans woman, music producer, excellent writer -- the way this movie is edited is so Vivid and you can tell there's so much freedom to really say things than in work that isn't community led. the philosophy, the politics, chatting while in the bath, that familiarity, that openness!)

in more classic musical news, got to see "the court jester" (only mildly a musical), "on the town" and its thematic successor "it's always fair weather," (gene kelly on rollerskates), and fiddler on the roof (finally) -- enjoyed all of them! shockingly low on musicals this year, but I intend to get inspired by @fabiansociety's list for the upcoming one

a few surprises for me were "streets of fire," which I've become mildly obsessed with, for being simply The Coolest Film you never watched as a kid (baby willem dafoe biker gang leader + music written by the guy who wrote for meatloaf and fleetwood mac??) it's just a straightup good time and also did this thing of writing a male role, casting a woman in it, and accidentally giving us a butch lesbian (with a line to make it seem like she had a boyfriend one time, but like... that doesn't take away her butch cred),

and also scorsese's "kundun," which I had no idea what to make of, because it didn't feel like a scorsese film at all. I think I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with scorsese in that I think his movies are frequently gorgeous, but his focus is almost always to the left of the people that interest me (that is, everyone around the white guys with guns who yell a lot). kundun is about the dalai lama and it is. very very anti-violence in its depiction of the invasion of tibet, because the POV is a pacifist who's shielded from seeing the violence, so the three scenes that briefly depict it are all the more shocking. and like... scorsese seems to have been coming at this movie from the perspective of education/plea for the freeing of tibet? which, yay, but... unexpected movie, that is all. also they speak english, although the actors are tibetan, including the grand nephew of the dalai lama portraying the dalai lama (I think this movie shouldn't be in english, but that is very cool). strange film, definitely watched a bootleg dvd copy with a completely wack aspect ratio that I couldn't format on the screen, but sometimes that's how you've gotta see something

a few classics. saw "jeanne dielman" for the first time, then utterly failed to describe it for everyone I talked about it with. I feel like saying "three hour long movie about a woman's repetitive life that is slowly, but surely, about to explode" is... idk, maybe it's going too much into detail. pointing out the static camera, the near-lack of dialogue, the scenes that simply consist of her sitting, and people instinctively go "oh that's a gimmick." but I also think if one can herald something like "orphee" or anything bergman did or "stalker," then this is not so off-putting (I found stalker to be a lot harder to focus on actually, which surprised me considering its subject matter). I know a lot smarter people than me have pointed out that what may truly be disturbing to people is the fact that we're following a life in such detail that isn't considered a valuable/interesting life to follow, especially not for so long. and that is... well that is just our internalised sexism. it's a good movie

this turned out quite long, but wanted to sit with some of these movies for a bit. I'd rec all of them, depending on personal preference and limitations

[variousqueerthings]

last year a recurring theme in movies i watched for the first time and imprinted on seemed to be about the act of existing and even thriving in some way within deeply oppressive systems by creating pockets of freedom (great freedom, joyland, die beautiful, poison, etc)

this year im beginning to see a trend towards films about people completely unable to live within them, either through refusal, a denial of agency, or some other outside force, and therefore attempt to affect some fundamental change of them that may or may not be successful, and often but not always takes on destructive and/or self-destructive dimensions when no other recourse is available (which the above movies also do have some element of) -- death in the gunj, count of monte cristo, lagaan, ben-hur... but the point is the directness of the attempt. you cannot look away now, System

i may be more deliberate in seeking out these choices now, have this circle around and around this year's watches, it's... a feeling i want to chase. i have a Desire

"the deed was not Messala's. I knew him, well. Before the cruelty of Rome spread in his blood. Rome has destroyed Messala as surely as Rome has destroyed my family."