#im very very fucking unwell abt them

[poisoned-pearls]

He’s not quite sure when “I want to have him on my side,” became just “I want him,” but he couldn’t think of how it was going to go any different.

He watched him, stiff against a back wall, always standing the same way. Straight back, against a wall, with the door always in sight. 

Some would say he was a wallflower, but Azul knew better.

He was watching for someone coming in. He took a tally of who came, who left, and he made sure no one could get the jump on him as well.

He was so, so smart. His intelligence and magical prowess was on par with Azul, and he wanted to see it all.

He wanted him.

He wanted to see him and talk to him and touch him and love him.

Not the man he pretended to be, but Jamil.

He wanted his anger, his strife, his struggles his screams his pain his joy his love his sorrow his regret his ego his power his everything.

Because Jamil Viper was beautiful. Every gear that spun to make him who he was was an intricate carved piece Azul wanted to commit to his memory, to store away and keep safe.

He wanted his lips on his, sure. Jamil was attractive and he’s sure he’d do anything to have those eyes look at him with anything other than annoyance or disgust, but that wasn’t everything. 

Because he wanted to see him flourish. 

Wanted to see that spark ignite into a beautiful inferno that Azul would gladly give himself to to see the ever hungry flames turn ever bigger.

So he kept holding his chisel, intent on chipping away at the stone wall Jamil had encased himself in, just to see those beautiful colors, not particularly caring if he ended up burning or not.

Because in the end, he’d be free.

And all Azul had ever wanted was to see that fire burn.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Suspirium - Thom York

[starry-bi-sky]

mmmmmm read a disciple shen yuan/shizun luo binghe fanfic about two days ago where the first chapter was the Immortal Conference arc, and SQQ was the one who had to be pushed into the abyss (he was still the villain) except Luo Binghe was refusing and was like, lowkey losing his mind about SQQ being so close to the edge. SQQ ended up having to be the one to fall in himself because of the system's punishment system. The rest of the fic is leading up to that moment. But like, MMM i've been obsessively thinking about that first chapter for DAYS ever since.

now i've been in svsss for a grand total of *checks watch* a week. but god obsessed with that. I want to write/read a fic where disciple SQQ goes a little nuts down there. Like keep all of the things that make SQQ, SQQ, but just. Throw in a little bit more trauma in there. A little bit of a mental break. Let him go a little nuts as a treat. Just a tad unhinged. I wanna see him go, just a little, "god fuck it, i've tried so hard to change this shitty story's outcome and it feels like everything i've done has been for nothing. I'm going to die in this world no matter what I do, I've been doomed from the start, so might as well die the way I want to." and he just, breaks a little! Under all the stress.

He still retains the traits that makes shen yuan, shen yuan, like his overwhelming kindness. But he's just! yk. A little less patient. Paranoid. Jumpy. Colder. A little more aloof and closed off. A little more Shen Jiu. He's no asshole child abuser, but he was a Number One Hater in his past life and he's leaning into that old habit a little more now.

(On a totally coincidental not-at-all related note, there's not enough SJ-and-SY-are-the-same-people fics out there that i've found. This is totally unrelated...)

The Endless Abyss turns the mind into an over-sharpened blade, and SQQ is both fascinated and perhaps a little excited to explore a place that doesn't have a lot of info on it in the mortal realm, but still terrified out of his mind. And he's no Luo Binghe, he doesn't have the sheer brute strength and power to just bulldoze his way through, so he has to be a lot more sneaky and cunning if he wants to survive.

The fic itself role-swapped LBH and SQQ so that SQQ was the half-demon (which lowkey fucks) and LBH the human, but I'm equally-if-not-more obsessed with the idea that LBH remains the half-heavenly demon and SQQ the human. If only because I keep thinking about SQQ befriending some demons (particularly and specifically a group of succubi) and they grow very attached to this Human Cultivator so through magic plot stuff they create some kind of seal/illusion/talisman that makes SQQ appear as a demon because a human cultivator in the endless abyss may as well be the equivalent of putting a giant neon target on your back.

And iirc Shen Jiu was taught demonic cultivation by that one guy(?? i've only been here a week so im not caught up in ALL of the lore yet) so that could totally happen here.

(On the other end of the realms, poor Shizun Luo Binghe is just. losing his fucking mind over losing his most precious and beloved disciple. About .5 seconds from burning down the peaks himself. somebody sedate him.)

The Endless Abyss sucks and SQQ is having a really terrible time and can feel himself going lowkey mad, but also holy shit look at all this WORLD-BUILDING. look at all this flora and fauna, and oh if he had the equipment for it he'd be writing all of this down. ALL OF IT. He was kinda-sorta-already planning on never leaving the Abyss as some sort of fucked up self-exile and self-preservation thing, but now he might? actually just?? never leave if he can help it, like he lowkey likes it down here.

anyways the next time anyone ever sees SQQ again he's got hair so long its almost touching the ground and he's either in rags and half-feral or he's been completely dolled up by his adoptive succubi sisters and still about three seconds from biting anyone who tries to touch him. (he's also lowkey trying to book it back down to the abyss even if he has desperately missed all of his friends and shizun)

[skitskatdacat63]

2009 Japanese Grand Prix - Sebastian Vettel

[itsalwaysdark]

and when i live on my own ill be able to decorate like real life decorate ive never gotten to do that in real life b4

[pricegouge]

Uhm your last ask abt fairy reader in price’s humidor and I can’t resist

Price having his fairy warm his cigars for him between her legs

Maybe she can make fairy sparks to light his cigar (gives it the same kinda kick as the honey cause it’s got distilled magic in it). Or maybe he makes her strain to flick his table lighter. Maybe he scares her with it, holding her while threatening to burn the bottoms of her feet while she squirms.

Maybe he switches to cigarillos or hand rolled options sometimes— cause with the right finesse, those can fit in her tiny fairy cunt, her honey soaking into the paper.

And in a world where people milk fairy honey? There’s probably all kinds of tools and substances they sell to get fairies aroused fast, but price has a bit too much pride, likes to do things the slow, old fashioned way.

Nikolai who keeps his fairy leashed because he can’t bear to clip her wings. To much empathy for flying creatures— he cannot rob you of that. Or maybe he’s had her long enough to not worry— she’s fully tamed and trained. She’ll lick the powdered sugar from his fingers if he has a donut for breakfast. Price’s fairy is terrified of Nik’s— will she be like that some day? Acting like she’s in love with her tormentor?? She’s even more scared when Nik offers to train her as a favor.

And she gets this funny feeling in her belly when price laughs and politely declines. Says he likes her just the way she is.

(And if we’re talking hardcore objectification. I imagine Soap’s careless. He’s been through more than one fairy in his day. No big deal— Ghost’ll just find him another. Misfits have a knack for finding them)

I’m going a little crazzzyyy

-🦷

[reference - no longer my most recent ask, i'm slow]

i raise you: price training her how to properly hug his cock by making her work herself over his cigars. i also raise you price training his fairy to spark when he flicks her head as if she's a lighter like a fucking dog.

him dipping cigarillos in her cunt is making me severely unwell. can just see him running out of flavor half way through, patting down his pockets like she's a misplaced lighter just to freshen up his dart even as it's still smoking

okay. not particularly related to what you're talking about, but the jewelry bit added at the end of that fic was def inspired by art i found which i'm unfortunately not gonna link just cause i saw it on a repost site and i'm not sure where to find the original art cause I don't have any social media. but! the artist very clearly had a line in which they depicted fairy girls being turned into jewelry and the main link piece would often be a specialized plug their size attached to a chain which would obv be linked to the actual jewelry. i don't really have anywhere i'm going with this I just thought you should know that.

hm. i can picture nik's fairy having just as much empathy for him straight from the gate. like what do you mean this human knows what the world looks like from above better than he does from his actual (significant) level? she's easy to train because she lets herself be trained, at least a little, but price's fairy doesn't know that!! she's scared as hell to be made into some docile little creature, but price would never allow it. she'll never admit she's grateful for him but she is when he tells nik he can handle it, when he stuffs her into his pocket so she can't quite hear when he says he likes her just the way she is, teeth marks on his finger tips and all

(also also. im not normal about burning so i won't go too crazy BUT. i will say when he's training her to bahave like a lighter, he def holds the heated metal of the guard against her ☹️)

[nyxi-pixie]

Hiiiii.

Sorry to bother you, I wanted to know if you had any fic recs? Your writing is so good and your tastes are immaculate, and I am starving for any kind of good content. Please?

its not possible to bother me love dw <3

NOW. i dont actually read all that much anymore bc i am horrendously picky but this does give me an excuse to hype up the few authors that have satisfied my unreasonably specific tastes 🤩.

so. a few bsd recs for you (except theyre 99% skk because im horribly predictable forever). everyone go read all of these and tell the authors how wonderful they are in the comments please <3

anything @booksandpaperss has ever written is genius work and everyone should read it. could talk abt all of their stuff for hours (and i have🤩 they put up w so much of me bothering them godbless). also our brains do some accidental crazy mind melding shit whenever either of us write fic so if you like any of my stuff you will like theirs. thats the rules. <3

like twin stars in the dark (we collide)- dead apple skk porn as a vehicle for 22skk analysis. makes me salivate i have read it so many times. they get 22skk better than anyone🙏

my lies are for you to keep (my love for you to lose) - the only take on beastskk that matters to me ever. you can actually see me losing my mind in the comment i wrote on this fic bc of how fucking insane every single line made me. theres SO much packed into this thing its fucking crazy i NEEEEED everyone to read it. thats all <3

till death, I'll give you my breath - dazai death timeloop. this fic terrifies me so much i await every update with my teeth chattering and my heart pulsing so rapidly i should be hospitalised. the first scene of chapter 2 genuinely had me on the verge of tears im unwell about it.

(elli also has some jjk stuff thats REALLYREALLY good and if ur into jjk u should check that out too.)

NOW. aside from being a propaganda machine for my fav writer ever. Heres some other stuff i love.

the second perspective by @wildflowerteas. murder mystery/detective noir stuff w some time fuckery. the au of all time. mashes aspects of beast, canon, and some extra special niko sauce into a mixing bowl and goes crazy w it. just Such a genuinely impressive piece of writing. i could talk abt the technical brilliance of it for hours but i will stop myself. you gotta commit to this thing because it WILL make u crazy. also i loveee the sskk. its like if we had the beast first meeting sskk forever. SOSO GOOD!!!!

did fate guide the gun or did you? by @kanetheo. i read this pretty soon after chapter 109 and it genuinely fried my brain for months. the writing style is beautiful (as for everything they write AUGHH!!!) and the angst is delectable. the way it intersperses more fun silly skk moments with just. complete misery. GOD. it just hits. ive reread it quite a few times and it never fails to make me go crazy. srsly cannot rec this enough.

the decomposition of dazai osamu by @hella1975 this shot several bullets through my brain and i still havent recovered. i keep thinking 'oh i should reread that' and then i dont bc some part of my brain still concerns itself w maintaining whats left of my sanity. BUT its crazy good and everyone should read it and suffer at least once. EVERYONE LOVES YOU OSAMU!!!! EVERYONE EATS YOU!!! line of all time lets all kill ourselves.

smoke held conversations by feralrookie - i havent reread this in a while but it does cool stuff with nlh and the skkisms are really good in this too. ppl often write teen chuuya as less intelligent than he actually is. hes very observant, esp of dazai, and this fic gave me that 🙏

i called your name til the fever broke by forest_raccoon - vampire chuuya. biting is involved. i blacked out reading it. enough said.

[aq2003]

ok spoilers for macbeth i guess . incoherent ramblings and immediate thoughts abt it bc i'm crazy

- the opening scene made me gasp and cover my mouth the entire way through. the way it opens w a BANG and macbeth washing his hands of the blood while praises of his prowess on the battlefield ring around him but he just looks so haunted and miserable the whole time sets the tone of the play SO well

- macbeth is Losing his fucking mind. from the START. and this is such genius characterization. he is so unwell. he is so on the edge of something terrible from the very beginning of the play and the pushing from the witches and lady macbeth is the catalyst that tips him over the edge. there are remnants of his consciousness and guilt ringing around in there and when they bubble to the surface it is so heartbreaking bc you know they will be snuffed out as the play goes on

- lady macbeth's humanity. i think this is the most human lady macbeth i've ever seen she is so in the throes of loneliness and grief and she misses her husband and thinks the murder will bring them together but instead it sends macbeth into this awful downwards spiral and the guilt eats her alive. when she says macbeth is "too full of the milk of human kindness" it's a mischaracterization. she doesn't know how much her husband has changed while he's been away fighting the war

- THE DAGGER SOLILOQUY the way it's lit and staged and acted like he's talking to his own shadow and convincing himself to do the murder. this scene was fucking amazing from the balcony the way he crawled around on the ground UGHHHHH IT WAS SO SO GOOD

- david looked right up at me when the crown was put on his head and my heart fully stopped right there

- the "full of scorpions is my mind" line reading deserves every single theater award ever on its OWN i DO NOT CARE GIVE DAVID TENNANT EVERY AWARD EVER

- macbeth taking off the crown to talk to the murderers because his killing spree is driven by macbeth the sharp edged violent soldier and not macbeth the king. like Oh my god

- BANQUET SCENE IM CRAZYYYYYY OH MY GODDDDDD FJCKKKKKKK THE WAYYYYYYYY THEY LIT THIS SCENE TO SWITCH FROM MACBETH'S TERROR AT BANQUO'S GHOST TO THE PERSOECTIVE OF THE THANES !!!! I KNEW DAVID WOULD EAT THIS SCENE UP BUT GOD. MY GODDDDD.

- the second scene w the witches was staged SO good and SO creatively like macbeth hallucinating his peers and friends and family and his son being killed and brought back in some twisted possessed form to tell him the prophecies OUGH

- fleance walking up and down the side of the stage. both macbeth and lady macbeth repeating this motion like they're remembering their son and they're haunted by his ghost . FUCK

- the death scene of lady macduff and her son was so violent i gasped out loud again

- malcolm is so fucking good in this like i REALLY like the idea of him being a teenager and the friction between him and macduff comes out of a difference in amount of life lived. also the "face it like a man"/"feel it like a man" lines become so Interesting with transmasc malcolm i need to process my thoughts on this further

- tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow was SOOOOOO. IT WAS SOOOOOOOOO. LIKEEEEEEE even though she pushed him towards duncan's murder lady macbeth was the last tether macbeth had to his humanity at the end and it's so so fucking tragic and sad. like i felt that "signifying /nothing/" within the DEEPEST pits of my soul.

- THE YOUNG SIWARD SCENE. I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT WAS COMING AND I DIDNT AND I NEED TO BE FUCKING SHOT I NEED TO BE SHOT I JEED TO BE SHOT I NEED TO BE SHOT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

- macbeth's death was played so perfectly like i don't even have the words for it the whole final fight scene and his death was so fucking good i need to be shaken like ragdoll

- i'm insane

[slushiebonez]

hey guys copy-paste of insane dexter ramblings I sent to my friends sorry for typos lol. anyways

so im deciding personally bc im insane that she damn well knows her son is fucked up and works as an exterminator so he can legally satiate his need to kill but she still loves and defends him anyways. its my personal little treat. and i feel like this has to be at least partially true bc pelo has said that dexter has ASPD and that disorder oftentimes begins to manifest in childhood including as animal cruelty, so like she's probably been seeing these signs since he was a little kid. and seeing how much she loves him she either A) knows he's unwell and works extermination to satisfy himself and still loves / defends him bc at least hes putting his violent tendencies into a more "productive" outlet or B) is purposefully ignorant of it but i dont want to believe in this one bc nuh uh also dexters mom knowing and still supporting and loving him would be more interesting from a character standpoint bc since dexter is a very unwell man and i imagine doesnt have that many close relationships, if his momma is one of the only ppl that knows something is wrong with him and still loves him then seeing how much he seems to love her back id imagine shes like one of the few people he has. which is sweet but i also imagine its kinda like unhealthy codependent bc they both love each other dearly and cling to each other bc they know each other best but that can lead to them self-isolating and just clinging to each other because its just mother and son against the world and other people hate you but not me and them being like rlly close to the point of being kinda codependant could also be a reason why dexter doesnt get help. bc ASPD and its symptoms can be helped with therapy and medication but instead dexter treats his symptoms by indulging in reckless violent and impulsive behavior. and like. imagine if thats kinda a result of his mom bc she never got help for him and as he got worse she was like "i still love you and will protect you and theres nothing wrong with you" bc she loves her son but she instead reinforced the idea that his behaviors were fine and since he has no encouragement from his mother or others to seek help and change he chooses not to like. their relationship is so sweet and i know they both love each other so much and theyre there for each other BUT i also cant help but think that like. if dexter's mom knows abt his violent behavior which she probably does, why has he just gotten worse and indulged in it. sorry everyone im insane

[hinamie]

god ive been thinking about yuuji pointing out flowers in the park and megumi stopping to name each one and yuuji never really pays attention to what hes saying because hes too busy seeing the way megumi's eyes light up when hes talking about things he's interested about,,,, gege akutami what have you done to me this chapter

IM RIGHT THERE WITH U IM SO UNWELL i am also . thinking about them moving in tgt and going on dates to the flower shop 2 buy plants for their apartment,,,, megumi writing out Very Clear instructions about which plants get x amount of water and x amount of sun n yuuji being so earnest abt following them to a T because he knows how much it means to megumi..,,,god i am not in a mental place where i can think about megumi watching Fondly from the other room as yuuji talks to the plants while he painstakingly waters them ,,, fuck he's probably given them names.,,, also u Know the bouquets megumi would get yuuji could fill an entire fucking novel with all the layers of hidden hanakotoba meanings :<<<

[unloneliest]

im so fucking good at making sexy little leverage aus and then never writing them. this is my ma spencer au, which has been lifted directly from my twitter with minimal editing, & which i am haunted by always.

ok so the au. this is going to be very long. every time i listen to spent gladiator 2 by tmg i think abt the leverage team/eliot specifically.

lyrics for context:

so i was thinking abt an au where eliot was never on the team, bc like. eliot fully got Out of the game, but interacts w them on an early case and ends up falling in with them anyways? BUT i also think a lot about how hard it'd be for any of them to retire bc there's people who hate them who know their faces, yknow? so how WOULD eliot be able to have retired &what has to change for eliot to be that comfortable getting out?

so i figure he maybe got out of the moreau situation earlier. maybe he broke up with the horse girl but they stayed on good terms, and maybe he never did the worst things he ever did for moreau because he had his Getting Out Of There chef connection moment sooner.

but that doesn't undo how recognizable eliot would be to various parties and i was like. well then. what if the chef who was that pivotal person for eliot was a trans woman and was as pivotal with eliot being gendery as she was with eliot retiring?

so like. early 2000s nonbinary/transfeminine he/she eliot spencer finding a few small towns to live in pretty at random but having a home in each one and cycling through them with no discernable pattern?? and being a loved part of the local queer community in all of them?

it's similar to my "eliot never left home and is luke gilmore girls but also co-created a queer bar in his town" au (aside: thank you @lycanqueer for pointing out that connection ages ago, i have been unwell about it ever since).

like . eliot!!!!! eliot probably first connecting with the team bc of the two horse job and slowly begrudgingly helping, joining in on the tap out job, etc.

eliot being like a parent figure to various queer kids in the different towns and they call him "ma spencer" and she wears his practical boots with flannels still but maybe they're with a more feminine tank top and maybe you're as likely to see ma spencer in a no nonsense knee length skirt as a sturdy pair of jeans. and maybe sometimes he braids her hair . and she's mr. spencer too and well respected by the folks of whatever town he's staying in, too stubborn and helpful and intimidating not to be!

eliot being openly down for a casual relationship both with parker and hardison from when she first gets to know them onward—and him keeping his past quiet still, but it getting harder to keep the parts of her life seperate as he finds herself getting closer with the team & with more serious feelings for parker and hardison.

maybe the team's hitter is Tara? i feel like she's capable of that? but she has to be the grifter when sophie goes on her break and eliot joins in "Just Once" but it ends up being more than that.

eliot would have a lot of complicated feelings abt joining in—like, both being happy with the peace she found & not wanting to risk that but still feeling like he needs to pay penance and that this is a way to do that.

and then season 3 hits completely different. i think this eliot would talk about his past once she found out they were targeting moreau, but i think team dynamics would overall be super different in general. the team would be way less of a unit with nate than when you see things from his perspective—espeicially without eliot always there to insulate the team from the worst of him.

anyways im gonna be thinking about this for the next 800 years. will i ever write this fic? probably no. but ma spencer is so real to me

[autotheophagic]

i know i don't talk abt hu much anymore but i still hear abt deuce thru the grapevine and my friends and shit right

and listen. i get not liking deuce. i get finding him annoying. but i am so fucking sick of ppl seeing him being very obviously unwell and laughing abt it like?? this is not fucking funny?? ignore him if he bothers you so much, why the fuck are we still making fun of ppl for being ill?

im gonna put these screenshots below the cut bc they genuinely disturbed me when i first saw them. and people were fucking LAUGHING over these???

this man is not well. dislike him all you want, but laughing over someones suffering is so fucked. jesus christ

[fuckimrowan]

OK SO :D

listen man. listen. jason and reyna have the potential for the most interesting dynamic in the entire rrverse and i stand by that ok. like imagine. two people who were best friends are suddenly torn apart and when they reunite through no fault of either of them one cares a lot more than the other now. losing jason was the worst thing reyna ever felt and then he came home and looked her dead in the eyes and treated her like a stranger. god i am so unwell about them anyway. im mad that this never gets explored in canon it has so much potential. the fucking tragedy of it all. they avoid each other now because one will inevitably end up saying something a little too familiar and its miserably awkward for just. everyone tbh. they cared so deeply for each other amd then it was just gone. she spent months searching for him overworked and unable to even grieve properly and he just didnt care anymore. its unclear how much memory he got back but its obviously not as clear as percy’s and thats so interestingg?? knowing you cared for this place, for this person, so much it was a part of you, and just. having no emotional attachment to it anymore. not knowing how to get back to that even if you want to. oughhhh. not knowing how to tell them the person they knew is dead or at least unrecognizable. if you take every moment and memory that makes up a person away and put newones in their place is it still the same person? she loved him more than anything. he doesnt know how to be the person she loved anymore. he doesnt know if he wants to. he avoids her, and she lets him, because really what is there to say? she still cares. he doesn’t. i dont even know how to articulate this okay just. they were best friends. and now everything has changed. and how do you cope with that. what do you do, when your best friend looks you in the eyes and treats you like a stranger? what do you do, looking a stranger in the eyes and knowing she was your best friend?

and nobody ever talks about their relationship??? like they either get ignored or treated like weird exes which is just so not what this is. anyway the implication that reyna had a crush on him was stupid thats called *amatonormativity* reyna is arocoded thank you goodnight. i am so utterly deranged about them <3

OMG ANON THANK YOU FOR THIS but literally ikr?? their entire relationship (not in a couple-y way) is just so complex and ends so tragically and it’s like. ughhhhh it literally drives me crazy to think about it and it’s so UNFAIR for both of them because reyna has to look at jason and see someone looking back with a strangers eyes and it’s like. hes there. but he’s NOT because he’s so different and then for jason he can see her but he can’t feel the emotional attachment that SHOULD be there he only knows that he once had it and instead it’s this empty feeling and. the worst part is that they never got to confront the situation with each other!! jason got back to new rome and when he left almost instantly they’d barely exchanged any words with each other so like. the most either can do is soo many presumptions and MAYBE time could’ve fixed it. maybe they could’ve one day talked it out; but god fucking damn it because they didn’t have time and the next time she got to properly see him he was in a coffin. it’s so tragic it really really HURTS and I can’t explain how it feels but u get it aishsjbsksmsksns

and no frrr reducing them to exes of any sort is just soo annoying because it’s completely taking away EVERYTHING abt their dynamic and just as you said all that’s very much linked to amatonormativity. WOW sorry for the rant here but yes im also very very deranged abt three <3

ty for this tho, anon! <333

[kaleidosouls]

im too lazy to put the vpn on to tweet so im gonna tumblr post; talk watch abt the amazing digital circus ep 3 (spoilers ofc) [Edit: i had more thoughts i guess il put it in the replies bc tumblr has those now? maybe itll be more accessible for my twitter generated yapping disorder)

finally some appreciation for my man and favourite character kingler like he goddamn DESERVES. i actually have not enjoyed tadc very much theres so much i rly dislike abt it but its like super well produced and indie so like you watch to be on the loop (i wish it was actually rendered closer to the quality of cd games from the 2000s that it seemed to be referencing but like, it looks how it looks and thats how it is), i rly disliked the script for the mpst part in the first 2 eps but ive loved kingler from day 1 so having an ep with mostly just him and pomni (i have mixed feelings on her too but w/e) was great great great and we had some lore n stuff but rly like i could smell a fellow traumatized man whos a bit wacky to cope from miles away and im glad to be proven Right

sorry im older man fucker so he rly hits all the boxes bc hes actually so sweet and helpful hes just mentally unstable (love him for that) and a lot of his endearing like caring nature comes thru in the physical aspect of the character and with less dialogue, rly the less dialogue the show has the better, idk who does the scripts and i dont wanna diss them but like oof i fucking hate it shkdh like its not like its never funny but its just, off, ive still not been able to properly explain to my wife the way that its off to me, and it bothers me to not be able to cohere those emotions! anyway

kingler so cute so very handsome and uwu so gentle and kind 💖💖💖 i love how gentle he is and good to pomni (ofc ppl are gonna call it fatherly or god forbid grandfatherly when hes like 40, and now if you ship them ppl will say its incesty when theyre two grown adults but w/e) like idk i just love a kind mentally unwell man!!! im simple!!! him just overexposing at the near end in dialogue was rly awkward in the writing like man they just, the dialogue is so not good. but in theory his character is so good and the thing abt the darkness and such was sweet. like hes just always been so endearing and the ep just gives a lot of free real estate kingler screentime to drink with my eyeballs, it doesnt change my opinion on the character at all bc ive always loved him this much

the rest was ok just the typical fare for the most part, like tadc rly often makes me so dissatisfied bc it has so So much potential but the ways it kinda just ends up like a dumbed down typical cartoon is really meh. i do love caine though and more proof that hes a non malicious (although maybe harmfully ignorant) ai. his gags almost land for me if they werent really Really lampshaded, i love how much he cares but is incapable (yet) of improving, i thought it was sweet zooble was so earnest with him. like, the whole tadc def improves the less mean spirited it is, for me. which is hard bc the most favoured character is rancid mean disney purple guy.

gghh why is this show so agdidhsifirh (gestures of anger) like its like, much worse ENA or smth but i know theres more that bothers me abt it than that, and i cant grasp it. im stil in hell irl so i cant cohere a lot in general so w/e, i need to chill and let go. i did like the horror trophy head designs of everyone that i could see (i wanted to get a better look at kinglers but i couldnt find a good frame from watching on my phone) like they were super over the top and fun. i wish the settings they travelled to still felt like, even remotely circusy? they truly feel like just we’re in a different cartoon. but its ok i only hate 749374947493 things abt the shows style choices

i want a framed photo of kingler so i could kiss it. or maybe i could trt to makena plush of him. he is my beloved to hurt/comfort. hes wacky and nice and traumatized and has memory issues and i wuv him

[multifandombullshitbabes]

i love the idea of like. in the au where nigel lives and him n alex run away n shit. and they learn to live together through less than ideal circumstances. how they still dont rly get it, they dont get why they r truly doing all of this.

(this turned out to be way longer than i thought. but oh well. its always the same with good ol me)

like nigel is delusional n believes in smth bigger than him and alex to drive him forwards and give him purpose. he needs to have a destiny and when he finds alex he thinks "oh. oh this is it. i have to show him the truth, this is amazing, alex has to know abt this!". so he only stays with alex in the assumption that that is his destiny and there's nothing else he can do. this is it. he WILL stay with alex.

and alex started by being weirded out, annoyed, but ultimately intrigued by nigel. and then the train thing happened. and then he realized nigel wasn't just some guy who killed animals he just let his friend fucking die in front of him. and he now believes his like intrigue comes from some weird mind connection to nigel, that is bad and that nigel started because nigel is bad and alex is the victim in his mind, so he rejects it as much as he can. he rejects everything nigel tells him n does cuz he cannot face how he can see nigel do all this shit and still be intrigued, interested.

and then nigels parents die. alex kills nigel's dad, and seals his fate in nigel's weird game. he's now an accomplice theres nothing to be done, hes lost. while nigel feels like their path is so fucking clear. its this juxtaposition that rly makes those last scenes between the two so interesting. alex knows he's done for. nigel thinks they've just begun.

so then they run away. because they're in on it together now, alex has no choice but to run away with nigel. nigel just puts this in the "this is meant to be" list for their destiny, their path. and i bet those first months together were fucking ROUGH i mean. running away aside, they were downright volatile with each other. i feel like alex would be explosive and never rly knowing his own mind in the sense that "wtf am i doing with my life" so he takes it out on nigel and blames him for everything. and nigel just takes it because at least theyre together, he just needs to wait 9 months for the maraclea thing and then they can continue with "their" plan.

its fucking chaos, it isnt good, and these boys cannot for the life of them see that they have feelings for each other. thats the kicker.

its another thing that panics alex, that he thinks doesnt make any sense because 1) nigel is a boy (religious trauma lets goooo) and 2) nigel is very fucking unwell. alex feels HORRIBLE, dirty even by his feelings, because of these 2 things and it all makes him hate nigel even more.

and nigel? he doesnt even realize them. he just assumes his need for alex's acceptance, the way it hurts whenever alex screams and glares at him, the way he sort of likes it, but most of all how he cannot get the tiny moments of peace they have out of his mind, that its all just. part of the plan. theyre together, they have a maraclea, everything makes sense. everything else is happening because their destinies r being fulfilled. he never outs 2 and 2 together and says "i have feelings for alex"

and i think theres a BIG, CATASTROPHIC "Oh" moment that really sets them both off, but in opposite directions.

alex in a sort of understanding, a sort of "oh. im not a monster for liking nigel.", a weird kinda of peace of "well we made it this far. theres no point in just pissing in his own cereal. they're here, they're alive, and they're young. so why the fuck not?"

nigel in a total mental breakdown, foundations crumbling, nothing makes sense type of thing. like maybe things arent so simple as he thought, that their destiny is more HIS destiny in the sense that hes the only one that believes in it. but then alex is still here. why? "oh. something went wrong. this is not how it's supposed to go. i fucked up our destinies." like he truly feels like he failed somehow, failed in doing something impossible and not real, and he cant fucking compute because of it.

and i think it happens when they officially know that the police gave up on trying to find them. alex is the most relieved. nigel doesnt care. he needs to go to his maraclea still and he tells alex as such and they have their 1000th argument that day.

they are not going back, alex says. they need to go back, nigel says. to finish it. and alex is so DONE. hes done with nigel's shit, he doesnt even get it, never let himself think much abt the other boys for various reasons, but now? now he MAKES himself think abt it. and alex is intelligent. and he knows more abt nigel than he thought. nigel is just stubbornly clinging onto his og point, they have fates, their intertwined, etc. it all makes sense, im your spade, your my jack, duh. we have a higher purpose, thats why ure here. and its THIS that finally breaks alex and he busts out this:

"im not here because of some made up destiny you believe in, im here because i want to! ME! not Jack, who is dead, Alex! i want us both here, i want to stay here, i wanna keep this!"

and alex finally gets it. because as much as he'd like to pretend like he's hated being on the run with nigel, deep down he knows, he knows because hes seen glimpses of it, he knows he can be at peace with nigel. it would scare him so bad when he felt comfort at coming back to his and nigels place cuz how dare he feel that, thats wrong, everything is wrong. but if everything is wrong than everything is right, and nothing fucking matters. alex realizes that they are SAFE. they escaped. they run away and it WORKED. and theyre both alive. and theres something so calming abt it that it resets alex completely. yh he doesnt truly get nigel. but he wants to. he doesnt want to lose their peace and he doesnt want to lose nigel. and it doesnt scare him anymore. its just what it is. its okay, theyre okay, they will be.

but nigel is not okay. he does not get it. what do u mean you WANT to be here as alex? no, its jack. doesnt matter what they were before they met, those boys dont matter. now he's jack's pike nothing else. he cant understand why alex would cling to an old life where they had no purpose and therefore no reason to keep on living. he does not understand why alex of all ppl, who does nothing but show him how much he hates nigel, would want to stay for any other reason than he HAS to. thats the whole foundation of this, nigel never cared for all the insults n shit because he saw how alex stayed, and how he kept buying nigels fav tea, or how he tried to like dogs more even tho hes more of a cat person. its all for the destiny. for the cause, the order. theres nothing else that makes sense. and nigels never been more lost.

so nigel goes "youre here because you have to be. you have no choice, thats the whole point." and THIS is when alex gets nigel. and hes like oh shit, oh he got rly fucked up growing up huh. and now alex has to try and make nigel understand that no, he is not here cuz he has to, hes here because he wants to. now hes more afraid that if he makes nigel understand that, makes him see that he can just live life without some greater purpose cuz its already so good to be alive, its a fucking gift, hes scared nigel will choose something that tears them apart, like leaving, or full on ending his life, or turning himself in or smth.

so while alex is trying to start that convo, nigel just gets more and more agitated because he can see that alex is not getting it and he needs him to cuz otherwise his life doesnt make sense. and he does smth impulsive and runs out of the door. he needs to be Away. he cant stay inside a place theyve made their own when he thought they understood each other but he doesnt understand anything at all actually.

alex panics, naturally, and they havent gotten phones yet cuz they didnt want any tracking to be done (now they can have it, now that they know theyre somewhat safe) so if nigel is gone, than hes gone for good. and alex tries to follow but nigel screams at alex to stay away. and its the first time nigel's been properly angry at alex. so he stays. and he just hopes that nigel comes back cuz atp what else is he gonna do but probs fuck it all up again.

its pouring rain, and nigel just walks. he just wanted distance but now he panics because hes not supposed to be away from alex, wtf is he doing, but also is alex even his jack? and he jsut spirals more n more, he doesnt even notice hes walking with just socks on.

what if this is still part of their destiny? he clings to that but to his dismay and horror it is way harder than he thought. he was so convinced he knew the way forward but he isnt sure now, so now he looks back at everything he's ever thought ever since he met alex and doubts. he doubts it all. was it ever real? were they even chosen? did he have any purpose? and as much as he clings to "yes" he only truly believes in "no". should he have seen the signs? that he was wrong? was alex right? there was always this competition between them, who was right and who was wrong and both believed they were right. and nigel thought he must be right because he had the books and history to back it up. he believed in all that. and now his parents are dead, and susan, and theyre criminals, and he did it all thinking he knew everything and now he realizes maybe it was all for nothing. but the one thing that he used to think that completely refuted this was alex staying. he never wouldve out of his own free will. why would he? theres no logical explanation. and nigel NEEDS some logical explanation for this cuz it cant be "alex wants to be with him" that doesnt make sense, alex doesnt make sense. jack makes sense. he's solid. why isnt he real? he doesnt understand.

when he goes back its not because hes reached a conclusion. no hes faaaaaaar from it. but his stuff is here and he is attached to his projects, his weak humanity showing through. and alex is still there. and then the weirdest thing ever happens.

alex starts to banter. hes normally all insults that are meant to hurt. but when he calls nigel a "wet rat making a mess of my floor with all that mud" its just teasing. and then he give nigel a change of clothes and "threatens" him to shower or else, but its not really a threat. nigel is very lost, but this is his jack and he'll just. do what he says for now. when he gets his head back on track he can fight back. but sometimes u need to lay low and then come back online. so he showers (alex makes sure the water is warm), he changes, he uses alex's slippers per alex's demands, and then the doorbell rings. hes confused, cuz they dont have any friends or anything, but then alex opens the door and grabs the pizza boxes from the guys hands and pays and its only now that nigel notices hes kinda hungry, and it is late. past dinner time for sure. they have this old tv that barely works but has a dvd player and alex sits in front of the couch with the pizza and tells nigel to "fucking sit down or i'll punch u". so nigel does, and they're watching some old fantasy esque movie that hes not paying attention to cuz wtf is happening. alex eats the pizza, nigel holds one slice and doesnt move. just stares at alex. he notices and asks, honestly, "u dont like the pizza? idk ur tastes that well so i went for basic pepperoni." nigel sees a teenager in front of him and realizes belatedly that only a few months ago they turned 18. alex looks young. he is young. he has sauce on his cheek. and then nigel says "ive never had pizza before" and eats it. and its fine. but then alex laughs at teases him abt him having no life whatsoever, what a loser, and scoots closer to him, and suddenly the pizza its the best thing thats ever happened in nigels life, and he hasnt gotten it yet, not fully, but hes willing to play along and understand it along the way.

its the first time he willingly lets himself to something he just feels like doing. hes never done that before. it scares him. alex leans over him and pats his shoulder with his head and that scares him too. he's seeing alex now, not jack, and all he can feel is how warm he is right next to him, full of blood, and alive and red. its a heady feeling.

and this is how nigel starts to get that there is no otherworldly purpose to life. life just is. and he gets alex as a bonus, isnt that neat.

(they still have a longgggggg way to go to figure out their romantic feelings, but one thing at a time yall)

also: alex being very touched starved and always showing his affection physically, which nigel finds confusing but accepts cuz he lowkey likes it, even if it confuses him a lot. and then he does it back on his own initiative once, cuz he saw alex stare longingly at a couple hugging and holding hands and kissing and he was overwhelmed with a need to show, not tell, alex how much he cares for him. so he wakes up next morning and hugs alex from behind while hes coming back online with coffee and alex almost burns himself. anyways. nigel being confused by tenderness and alex reveling in being able to be gentle with someone finally

[lestbian]

s@pphling has two trans gfs iirc and as for the bi lesbian thing i’ve found that a lot of the transfems who speak out about transmisogyny are bi lesbians and for me i don’t want to pick and choose between which voices i uplift when it comes to the very important topic of transmisogyny just because they chose a label to communicate they’re attracted to men but don’t want to be with them romantically and sexually or whatever else they’re trying to communicate yk

having a trans gf (or two) doesn't make you transfem though. or an authority on transmisogyny. i wouldn't really care if it were a few posts abt transmisogyny that got popular or whatever it just sits unwell w me that tme people's posts on transmisogyny are always the ones getting reblogged instead of actual trans women's posts.

if s@pphling's gfs were the ones making the posts i probably wouldn't care bc while i think the "bi lesbian" label is biphobic, lesbophobic and transmisogynistic it wouldn't really be relevant bc the post wouldnt be about bisexuals/lesbians and im not gonna call a trans woman a transmisogynist.

btw where are these bi lesbian trans women who speak out abt transmisogyny besides s@pphling's gfs. bc none of the transfems i follow fuck w that label