#im v tired but have a hard time falling asleep and idk why so i needed to ramble on about something silly

[perilegs]

i think i'm starting to be at the point where, if i want to read blvns i have to either lower the bar or learn japanese

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 11

post directory

obsetress: i'm about to fully fall asleep but i have been thinking about exes au danvi and like the isabel of it all and dani dating a single mom and how just like

obsetress: vi is so protective of isabel and as much as she loves dani like

obsetress: she took SO LONG before introducing her and then like

obsetress: when they broke up dani left and dani wasnt in isabels life anymore and dani was so good for isabel and viola just feels so fuckin shitty and blames herself and

obsetress: but i'm also thinkin bout soft fluffy stuff too like how much dani loves isabel and how much vi loves watching isabel w dani and

em: hey hannah what the fuck

obsetress: isabel has a nightmare one night and goes to her mom's room and dani's there too and she just curls up between them

em: do you think when they finally reconnected dani was like hey um. does isabel remember me. would it be weird if

obsetress: FUCK

obsetress: this absolutely happens

em: viola is VERY apprehensive at first

obsetress: god yeah esp after getting so hurt by it but

obsetress: viola sure cannot say no to dani!

em: i love some dani with kids tho

em: maybe too soft but do u think for at least a couple years dani would like. send isabel a bday card

em: like dead air otherwise

em: hmm idk i am chewing that one over more

obsetress: god it's hard i think dani wants to but she doesn't

obsetress: i could see dani writing them and holding onto them

em: oh that’s even worse

obsetress: even tho she really doesnt think she'll ever talk to vi again

em: what a soft and depressing thought. thank u. i resent u.

obsetress: yeah it hurts!

obsetress: but then she does! and she gives them all to isabel when she's older maybe

em: hold on i’m gonna bawl

em: sometimes my parents will be like um. do u remember this person and i’m like uh i don’t remember people i worked w two years ago let alone

em: but i think isabel does

em: i will be thinking about this all afternoon bestie have a wonderful slumber

[em note: em yells in hannahs DMs while she's asleep dot png]

em: no um. mate im still furious about the isabel of it all wtf

em: thinking about um. like ok i dont wanna use isabel as a prop but this is certainly one of those times where

em: violas been hurt before and viola's hurt other people before because she's deeply troubled and i feel like that would be one of the first times she sorta. sure she licks her wounds and feels miserable for herself but its also like uh

em: really sobering to realise This Hurts Isabel Too

em: because yknow violas very gatekeep gaslight girlboss i think shes got a strong enough sense of self that nothing really shakes that. maybe even to a deluded degree. i dont think she goes to therapy because shes like wow im fucked up i gotta get help, she's more like

em: shes really driven by her love for isabel!! gestures WILDLY

em: realised this is an au where parents get therapy and dont pass their traumas onto their kids and i want OFF this WILD RIDE im so tired of discovering things about myself through the realm of fiction

obsetress: yeah same i kept thinking about it too alfkadlsfkjdasf

obsetress: i want to reply to every single line of the isabel thing but i'm not gonna do that so let me just say: YEAH

obsetress: like isabel is her cornerstone full stop everything comes down to isabel

em: dani's probably so nervous reconnecting w isabel again. absolutely spinning her lil wheels

em: they set up a lil date and time and dani's doing her gay nervous babble abt if isabel even remembers her or god forbid resents her n jamies like...

em: im pursing my lips as i draw a line on the whiteboard between jamie's whole childhood and isabels and shaking my head Goddamn It

em: jamie lets dani babble it out n pauses and reflects on what she's saying n then jamie's like. the fact ur nervous means u care. n kids are v good at picking up when ppl care. you'll be alright.

obsetress: god yeah this bit i can just. hear it

obsetress: it's so visceral

---

em: viola

obsetress: god my favorite taurus hedonist

[em note: hannah yells in em's DMs while em is asleep dot png]

obsetress: god fuck what was i thinking about isabel this morning like

obsetress: that's what i get for daydreamin between snoozes and not writing it down alas

obsetress: but just like how excited isabel is to see dani again when she does and also like, isabel and rebecca

obsetress: then i started thinking about

obsetress: rebecca and vi getting married and vi's always like i'm not gonna get married again it's bullshit and rebecca's like it's not for me but then they just

obsetress: like they live together and they share everything and rebecca looks out for isabel just as much and they get to a point and it's like

obsetress: oh. oh

obsetress: like they're both like it's the logical thing to do. it's logical and it's safe and we should have this extra layer of protection but also it's like

obsetress: they find themselves more and more excited a lil you know? and just thinking about how isabel's there and how excited isabel is and

obsetress: but god yeah what i was thinking about this morning like. one day vi has to tell isabel dani's not gonna be coming around anymore and like

obsetress: isabel doesn't really understand and she's so sad and then vi feels even shittier

obsetress: and she's like "we'll be okay. it's you and me, remember? moving mountains"

obsetress: "you me us, right?"

obsetress: the first time rebecca meets her she brings her a book as a gift and is like "this was one of my favorites" and

obsetress: OH I REMEMBERED

obsetress: so like when dani sees isabel again finally (and yknow as nervous as dani was vi was even more on edge because it's so inconsistent and is she gonna understand yknow? and the two of them just spiral––which is also another thing about the two of them in a relationship! i think they push each other down spirals)

obsetress: jamie's there too and dani's like "this is... this is, uh, jamie" and it's like you said jamie isabel parallels and so jamie's like a lil tender

obsetress: spoiler: isabel and jamie end up bonding the most

obsetress: jamie's like running around with isabel on her shoulders and then showing her all these plants and taking her to gardens and

obsetress: another tentative jamie vi alliance

em: isabel mikey hangout When

obsetress: isabel mikey hangout!

obsetress: they're hanging with isabel and she and jamie have a very spirited discussion where isabel's like "i wanna be a princess" and dani's like "why not a knight?" and jamie's like "why not opt out of the feudalistic hierarchy entirely and ditch the kingdom for the high seas?" and convinces isabel to go full pirate

obsetress: and then isabel kinda passes out with her head in jamie's lap and jamie's just kinda idly playing with her hair (vi is already like "am i... attracted to jamie in this moment?")

obsetress: and jamie's like "y'know, i should bring mikey round next time isabel's here" and viola's like "......who?" and jamie's like "my little brother? mikey?" and viola's like "right.... right"

obsetress: cut to later, when dani and jamie have retired to vi and becca's guest room: "since when does jamie have a little brother?" "she always has, babe"

em: kinda obsessed w like. violas love for isabel means her wires get crossed when the surly gardener is Good With Kids

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: mikey and isabel immediately hit it off i think

obsetress: a bit of an odd couple because i think isabel is definitely, like, her mother's daughter and mikey is............. mikey

obsetress: but i think they meet in the middle and help each other grow and play pirates together

em: viola is like. of course mikey and isabel will get along. isabel is wonderful. but jamie is quietly Sweating about the whole thing

em: so damvibecca are having their afternoon tea and their little cakes and jamie is Quietly sweating and she’s like ‘quiet is good, right? like they’re not tryna k-‘ and then there’s the sound of two 8 year olds (idk how old they are tbh) YELLING as they chase each other down the hall w wrapping paper tubes

obsetress: nervous babbling dani x quietly sweating jamie, an otp

em: isabel has gotten into the make up n given them both black eyes n scars and moustaches n everyone’s like oh no how’s viola gonna feel about this but viola is DELIGHTED

obsetress: dani's like "chill you all she's gonna––" and then viola is getting up and asking them to do her face too

em: made a parrot outta a sock and newspaper

obsetress: viola playing pirates w isabel and mikey

em: kids w their endless creativity n absolute disregard for personal property is truly a thing of dreams

obsetress: mikey gives her a paper tube and she disarms isabel, takes hers, and offers it very seriously to jamie

em: cuteeee

obsetress: rebecca's giving dani a look and dani is completely unfazed and reaching for another tea cake

em: absolutely unflappable dani clayton

em: dani and rebecca sharing a Look like hey have you ever seen her this gleeful

obsetress: there is something very tasty about jamie taylor having a direct hand in making viola so gleeful

em: takes a village!

obsetress: when viola's two big loves are sitting five feet away from them both

em: everyone changes everyone for the better

em: fucken soft ass chat over here

obsetress: everyone changes everyone for the better

obsetress: soft as hell

em: thesis statement everyone likes each other so much (jamie pretends she doesn’t)

obsetress: (jamie pretends she doesn't) (jamie might like everyone the most)

obsetress: viola registers mikey for isabel's school n pays full tuition

em: oh my god

obsetress: jamie is horrified and refuses to accept it and viola waves a hand and is like "too late, deposit's non-refundable"

em: (they carpool)

obsetress: PLEASE

obsetress: oh god and like

obsetress: flora and miles go there too

obsetress: full circle complete

em: broke: highschool au woke: guardians of primary schoolers au

obsetress: dani jamie in bed jamie's like "you don't...... think it's weird?" "hmm?" "mikey going to.... school with our boss' kids?" "why would that be weird" "i dunno" "he also goes to school with my ex's kid" "he's best friends with your ex's kid" "and that's not weird, is it?" (grumbles) "not anymore" "so why would this be?"

em: jamie’s ribbing mikey for his silly tie and straw hat but she teaches him how to tie a tie and also she keeps crying for some reason???

obsetress: oh fuck

em: mikey: can’t i just get a fake tie >:/

jamie: no because when u have a real tie you can leave it untied a little as an act of rebellion

obsetress: god it's jamie crying for me

em: i love that big baby

obsetress: so much!

em: jamies like idk what’s gotten into me i never cry n danis like. raises one eye brow and mentally checks off all the times jamie has absolutely bawled watching a movie

em: not even a sad movie

em: dani plays along

em: maybe ur getting soft in ur old age jamie

obsetress: jamie i cry three four times a day five if i'm being honest taylor

em: thinking about their weekly weekend lunch w damvibecca and hannah and owen and miles and flora and

obsetress: dfjsldkfjslfslfj

obsetress: god big found family

obsetress: you know viola doesn't like

obsetress: dani and jamie respectfully toe around whatever the fuck owen and hannah have going on but viola just does not suffer it. she's so blunt to them

em: big viola grin and all ‘owen, hannah, i assume you will be each other’s dates?’ (owen chokes on his tiny egg sandwich)

em: hannah grose is serene and unreadable as she dabs a bit off yolk off owens moustache

em: maybe even a bit pleased

obsetress: everyone is always so tense when viola and hannah get together because neither of them take shit yknow

obsetress: and everyone's like "which way is this gonna go"

em: god. peak snarky broads

obsetress: but usually they end up good. two apex predators where one is a lil vicious but the other is so confident in its status that it just chills

em: they have the Best gossip

obsetress: would love to sit in and listen as they drink tea and gossip tbh

em: viola presses owen on hannah and he goes red and viola presses hannah on owen and she does a little wouldnt-you-like-to-know into her tea

em: viola nee willoughby and hannah grose friendship is. truly something i never knew i needed until now

em: they’re both just that lil bit older than the rest of the gang too

obsetress: an important coalition

obsetress: hannah grose! hannah looking out for rebecca and that's the couple times she gets a lil testy w vi

obsetress: mikey and isabel besties but flora and mikey get along really well and isabel and miles do too i think

em: the sheer chaos of a taylor-lloyd-windgrave story time

obsetress: LDKFjKLSDJF HELP

obsetress: taylor lloyd wingrave story time

obsetress: jamie suddenly very invested in story time

obsetress: dani's like "i know this is the first time you've actually cared about story time, babe, so let me give you some pointers"

em: i was just in my head thinking fondly about like. jamie is a drop out and plays a lil dumb sometimes for fun but also prolly reads a lot especially to mikey and now i’m like. wait i’m talking to Ms Floras Two Moms herself

em: idk if i had that headcanon before i read she taught me a lesson alright but yknow what! doesn’t matter it’s a beautiful one

obsetress: thank youuuu i love it a lot

obsetress: jamie big reader is generally one of my fave headcanons tbh i'm glad it seems to be widely accepted. can't even explain why it's just nice

em: sometimes i will talk 2 ppl about my passionate drop out jamie taylor belief n then they’re like but she’s smart (it’s only happened a couple times hahsj) and i’m like these aren’t mutually exclusive!! this is my very biased experience but my friends who do manual labor for a living seem to read so much more than my friends who don’t

em: your brain wants to chew over things while the hands are workin i reckon

obsetress: yes yes yes yes yes

obsetress: i think that's also like (sighs heavily)

obsetress: symptomatic of hegemonic perceptions of the working class

em: i love when u sigh heavily it’s always a fun take

obsetress: i think jamie is v clever and reflective and like if there's one thing i've learned getting older it's

obsetress: smart doesn't matter i think the most insightful most thoughtful people are the most reflective ones

obsetress: like none of it fuckin matters just be a nice person

[delicrieux]

Hello! May I have a one-shot with Kylo being injured and reader, who is part of the resistance, finds him and takes care of him? Thanks!

idk how this turned out to be 5k words but WHEW i mean if ppl want me to continue it im down so send in sum request of wat u think should happen!! xoxo gossip girl

requests are open! | masterlist | part 2.

Fear. The kind that makes it hard to breathe as if you are kept underwater; the kind that makes your muscles clench and freeze as all senses flow out one by one. Today had been almost too typical — you woke up, you trained, you talked to your comrades and learned battle strategy — and you were certain your evening walk would be just as uneventful. The breeze in your hair was playful; the setting sun provided warm light and set your surroundings in a pleasant, rosy glow. You like the fresh air; you like exploring; you like the freedom that comes with being alone in wilderness. And in turn, it serves as a reminder for why you are fighting in the first place. To preserve this peace, this freedom, that now has been tarnished when you stumble upon a body.

For a heartbeat you think he’s dead — his expression is lifeless and his face, pale as first snow, is bruised, covered in soot and dried blood. Willing your legs to move, you approach cautiously, not breathing, afraid to break the shrill, sudden silence — no birdsong, no wails of wind passing through trees… nothing. Life had, at that moment, stilled completely. But as you draw closer, grass crunching under your feet softly, you intake a breath of both relief and surprise. Dark locks of hair spray on his forehead and obscure the minuscule knit of his brows, his trembling lashes. He’s alive. The thought consumes you and you fall to your knees, skidding beside him, pushing his hair from his face and landing your palm on his forehead.

It’s awfully cold. Chilling. Almost biting at your sensitive flesh, urging you to pull away. It rolls in waves, this sudden cold, sudden sickness, as if it is a virus that spreads and you have caught it with this minimal contact. But you don’t pull away, despite the near overwhelming urge to do so, despite the fear returning with a new blow. Instead you glide your fingers down his jaw and press on his neck, breaking into a small, crooked smile once you feel a slow drum against them. He is alive, but barely. You glance about him, looking around the area. Nothing out the ordinary, no branches broken, no bushes disturbed and no trails left on the grass. How he got here is a mystery that will have to be solved a different time.

You hope he will tell you once he wakes up, if he even wakes up at all.

That, and, his name, too.

Your base is small and tugged away in a dense jungle, the tall trees and heat warding from unwanted visitors — the First Order. The compartments are small; there are barely above a few dozen people here; it serves more as a safe haven for lost wanderers looking for a cause or shelter, or a backup base in case others were destroyed and the rebels had nowhere to go. It is far away enough from war. Everyone here is, to some extent, safe.

You had never been on the front lines. You had never faced a Storm Trooper, had never seen the Force at work — if there even is such a thing, speculations speculations, nothing consistent, merely gossip — and you had never seen a dead body. Perhaps that is why you froze up so terribly at the sight of him. Perhaps that’s why you felt as if a void opened within you, swallowing up the last shred of light, of life, and leaving you hollow.

You should get used to the sight, though. There will be many dead in battle.

He’s the only one occupying a bed in the Medical Wing and he hasn’t woken up for two days now. His vitals are stable — no internal bleeding, no disease detected, nothing out of place as it seemed. But he is lost in deep sleep, constantly dreaming about something that made him tremble and muss and toss and turn, but never wake. It is entirely bizarre how his state is simply there, caused by no injury, no blow, nothing. And the more you take care of him… the more questions you get.

You eat in the cafeteria, a vast enough, pale walled space occupied by few people during lunch time. Next to you sits a blue eyed, blonde haired cherubic woman – she serves as the doctor, the only doctor here. She smiles lightly at you when you catch her gaze. You had always wondered why her name is Vendetta. 

The amount of denizens is small here, so small in fact that the only ones serving under this branch is a rag tag team of scavengers, travelers, nobodies that had abandoned their old lives to fight in this war. Rebels, quite literally, with a cause. Many have taken new names. Vendetta, too, had a name before this, a life, a different purpose. Though her odd choice leads you to believe that what ever had happened to drive her here was painful and severe, deserving justice. In front of you sits a tall, bony, brown haired, brow eyed mechanic with a scar running down half of their face – Q. And beside them, July – you had never seen him smiling, had never heard his voice hold a tender note in it. He is always displeased. Always with a frown.

“Seven.” Vendetta calls you, noting your blank stare, the untouched food in your plate. Seven. You chose this because you were the seventh child in your family, and, subsequently, the seventh person to join the Resistance when this base first opened.

“She’s probably thinking about the stranger.” Q mutters, taking a sip, “His origins are…” They glance about, leaning in slightly, “ A hot topic, after all.”

“We get injured wanderers all the time.” Vendetta waves them off, “As if he’s any different.”

“I don’t think we should be so quick to dismiss him, V.” July grumbles, his voice low, the sound of crunching gravel. He sits with his arms crossed over his chest, observing the three of you with something akin to hostility, “You never know who may be working for the Order.”

“You can’t just assume that.” You pipe up, “He might just be another gambler dropped by the Floating Casino because he couldn’t pay his debts.”

“Or he might be a spy.” July stresses, glaring.

“No one knows there is a base here.” You continue, unrelenting, “Half the Resistance doesn’t know it exists, how can someone from the Order?”

“Still, I advice we exercise caution.” Q says calmly, a pleasant smile on their face — if anyone can defuse an argument before it starts, it’s them, “You never know what people are hiding, Seven.”

“Okay,” Vendetta chimes, “I will certainly not disclose this vital information when the man awakes from his comatose state. I shall make sure to confuse and frighten him further by chaining him to his bed.”

“Good.” July says.

“That is not what I had in mind, and you know it.” Q mutters, a tad disappointed, “I was thinking more along the lines of… An interview.”

“Too civil.” July mumbles, “I say we go with Vendetta’s idea.”

“That was not an idea,” She hisses, “it was sarcasm.”

“Fine, interview.” You submit, “Either way, I doubt anyone from the Order would not say they are from there. They are feared. Probably would think he has the upper hand, or something. Plus, our disguise is impeccable. We look like a research facility. Better yet, a shelter if no one wanders up to the main rooms.”

“I also sincerely doubt anyone, Order or not, is so good at lying first thing when they wake up.” Vendetta agrees.

July narrows his eyes at her, “That is an awfully naive observation to make.”

“Really now? It is a known fact that people half-asleep always tell the truth.”

Another hour of this and you feel drained and sore and with a mild headache. As much as their company has helped you, they can be a bit too eager to prove one another wrong. On most occasions you’d enjoy the chatter. Today, however, you feel too distracted to focus on anything. Q makes some good points, July argues, Vendetta and her biting comments pick at your skin. Always the blazing look in her eyes, always a certain gleam of anger hiding within her mellow, sweet tone. You excuse yourself when you finish your meal and they do not keep you from leaving. Perhaps they noticed you being out of it. Perhaps they were too caught up in their new topic – Lo and Chester’s sudden break up. 

It does not take you long to come to the Medical Wing. The door shuts with a silent sweep and your heart drops – the bed is empty. Before you can do much else strong arms wrap around you from behind. With a yelp you feel a hand squeeze your throat and your breath leaves you with a helpless whine, sparks flying in your vision. Your reflexes kick in before you can control them. In a panic, you elbow your attacker in the chest and the grip loosens a bit, enough to allow you to escape and put some distance. Inhaling mouthfuls of air, you turn to the man that had been sleeping since you found him in the wilderness.

You never quite realized how tall he is, or how angry he could be. He’s confused and you see fire in his eyes, a sneer on his face, and he stands unmoving, waiting for you to try something, anything, so that he could grab you and try to kill you again.

You raise your hands, palms up —a fragile, harmless motion to indicate you mean no harm. His guard is still up. He’s heaving and his shoulders are tense, his gaze not once leaving your form, “…Hi,” You wheeze, almost voiceless, “I’m not here to hurt you.” You indicate softly. Cold, again, as if thrown into a bottomless ocean; body heavy, like a stone. You gulp. “Are you alright?” You question gently, afraid to provoke him again. “You must be tired. You’ve been out for a while.”

“Where am I?” His voice is deep and scratchy and it seems to set him off. He trembles from anger, you can almost feel the steady build up of rage in his chest, ”Who are you?”

“I’m Seven.” You introduce, “I found you outside our base. Do you know how you got here?”

He takes a threatening step forward and your arms shoot higher, “I’m not your enemy.” You insist, “You are not a prisoner here. You were dying and I wanted to help you.”

He regards you for a silent moment as if unsure whether to believe you or not. However, you sense that he will not try to hurt you, for now at least. You give him a shaky smile, trying to ease him — you cannot imagine how frightening it is to awake in some room among strangers and not knowing where you are or what had happened. “Do you…know your name?” You continue your questions, your arms slowly falling by your sides. After another pause, he nods curtly, “Good. That’s good.” you step away from his bed, “Please, lie down. You’re still recovering. No shady business, I promise.”

You are a bit surprised that he listens, but you don’t show it. He’s cautious, regarding you as if you were some dangerous animal cornering him, and his walk is sluggish. You can tell it’s hard for him to move, but don’t say anything. You doubt it would do any good. He finally sits down and just stares at you. You try to smile again, “Do you know how you got here? It’s okay if you don’t.”

“How long have I been here for?” He asks instead.

“Two full days in the base.” You say calmly, “But out there?” You vaguely motion with your head to the outside world, “I don’t know.”

Your answer unnerves him. For the first time his frown falls and he stares at you with big eyes and a trembling lip, as if a lost child not knowing what to do. That expression warps suddenly and he looks away, his hands gripping the side of the bed so tightly his knuckles turn white. 

“Well, if there is…anything you need…” You start mildly, “You can call upon me. Or Vendetta. She’s the doctor here, so if you feel any pain or sickness, you should tell her. She’s sweet.” You smile, “And she will help. But right now, just try to rest…I’ll…leave you to it.”

You bolt past him to the door but– “You don’t know who I am, do you?”

You turn back to him, shaking your head lightly, “No. But it doesn’t matter. A lot of adventures come through here, lost and injured. You aren’t the first one. Now rest, please.”

He’s volatile, is what you learn upon the first days of his resurrection. His mood can change in a flip of a coin and he goes from placid to enraged in a blink of an eye. Tantrums, yelling — all signatures of a spoiled child not knowing what he has but simply wanting to break it. He’s nobility, or so your peers gossip. You hear snippets of all sorts of things, each more outrageous than the one before. The one that he is a prince kicked out of home for adultery seems to be the most popular one.

And he’s egotistical. He had not been, besides the attempted murder, that hostile and untamed towards you — the choking you told no one about as you concluded he simply felt threatened and scared. Though his other tantrums you are not so quick to chalk up as self-defense. Vendetta, exasperated, one evening told you that she somehow offended him — ”All I said is stop pouting because you need my help!” — and he, with a bruised ego, so high and mighty promptly jumped out of bed. Whatever he was trying to do backfired — perhaps he was trying to leave, or trying to grab something and to hit her with — but he slipped and fell and hit his head into the sharp corner of table. “And I said to him, oh I said: look what you’ve done now! Off to bed, quickly!” Vendetta finished bitterly, stabbing her fork idly into her food, possibly imagining his face there. His nose, much to V’s displeasure, was not broken, but an ugly gash and a dark bruise split his skin in half and he laid in bed sulking for at least a day.

As the week passed, he seemed to favor your company the most. It is not that he smiled and joked and laughed in your presence, and you were not exchanging secrets or hugging or even calling each other friends. He simply seemed to be more mellow around you, possibly because you oddly knew what to say and what to keep silent. It is as if you sensed the subtle shift of his moods; could read his expressions in a way no one could, perhaps no one tried. And you would come and visit him as often as you could when relieved of your duties — you felt responsible for him in a way, and you wondered if you would still feel this weight on your shoulders when he eventually left this place. After all it was you that had found him lying in the grass; it was you that had insisted to help him; and now, it is you that brings him food and tries to provide some comfort in a form of conversation. You don’t pry into his past, don’t even ask for his name, because you know he does not want to give it, and you won’t risk questioning in fear of another explosion of his temper. You talk about inconsequential things: what’s happening around the base, what sort of plants grow around here, what bugs could kill him before he took two steps. He especially enjoys hearing the rumors about him, even if he is too prideful to admit that they amuse him greatly.

“And what if I am?” He questions one evening, something akin to a small smile pulling at the corners of his lips. His eyes, a kind hazel color that could be beautiful if not for the persistent angry spark within them that is now, seemingly, vacant, watch you closely.

You frown softly, “Are what?” You question, “A prince?” He nods. You snort, “Well then, your majesty, I shall make sure to inform the others. What will be your first decree?” 

He pretends to think, “No more slacking around.” He says sternly, “This is supposed to be a military base, isn’t it?” He ends on a cheeky note. You gulp. Ah, yes, you might have let it slip that he’s in one of the Resistance’s safe houses, though you did not disclose the coordinates.

“On a mission to make fun illegal, are you?” You ask with a raised brow. 

He frowns, “Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am not.”

“Are too!”

Childish, really, though you suppose it is better than arguing with July.

You feel it before you hear it— rain and thunder. The merciless patter on the roof and on your window. In night the sound is almost deafening — a loud roar of an engine, followed by cracks of lightning and flashes in the dark sky. You would have slept through it if not for the pins and needles washing your skin behind the warm sheets thrown on your body. You stir. Thunder roars and a flash of bright white light illuminates your room and seeps through the cracks of your lashes. Cold, again, as if standing in the middle of a storm.

You finally sit up, rubbing your face and then looking around to see if your friends are playing some sort of joke on you. You were almost certain they had dragged you outside and left you to get drenched. But you are alone in your room and you frown and shiver from the biting cold. Groggily you throw the sheets away and leave your bed, not entirely certain where you are going but there is a pull in your gut and half-asleep you follow it. You think you might still be dreaming —the rain on your dry skin feels real, though all dreams feel real until you awake. You leave the dormitories and take the elevator to the first floor. The base is silent, save for the shrill of machinery. Finally, still in your pajamas and almost fully awake, you step past the main entrance and stop.

It’s pouring, a curtain of rain obscuring the confusing contours of trees and leaves and bushes. The darkness does not help. A bleak light pulses to life once you pass the sensor and your surroundings illuminate. Thunder, lighting, more rain. You stand safe and dry under the roof, and he stands at the very edge of it, half soaking, his face kissed and washed by the rain.

You are not sure what to think. He seems lonely standing there surrounded by darkness and water. It’s whispers, or something akin to that, that urge and beseech that he does not want to be alone. You hear them somewhere in the back of your mind. If he noticed you, and he should have with the light suddenly on, he does not show it. You approach him slowly, your footsteps concealed over the heavy drum of rain.

“Not used to it, are you?” You ask, your voice followed by a bolt of thunder. He stirs, head tilting in your direction. Your heart skips a beat when your eyes meet — there is no hostility in them, no anger, just a distant sadness. You give him a soft smile, “I can tell you don’t see it often. I didn’t, either, at first. I grew up surrounded by deserts and I had not seen a drop of rain for at least eighteen years. But, here… Well, there’s no shortage of it. We have storms at least once a week. You’ll grow sick of it before you leave, trust me.”

He says nothing, still looking at you. The light sniffs out. Both of you stand unmoving.

“Why are you here?” He asks, a note of genuine confusion slipping past his calm tone.

“I… don’t know.” You admit. A frown pulls on your brows and you bite your lower lip, staring into the heavy curtain of rain, “I…I really don’t know.” You turn to him, “Why are you here?”

He doesn’t answer for a moment, savoring the silence. Then, “I got bored laying in bed.” Somehow you feel that anxiety has more to do with his sudden nightly venture, rather than actual boredom. Though, you suppose it is quite tedious doing nothing all day. You imagine he is active, judging by his built. He has a strong character and he knows what he wants (most of the time), or rather has a distinct sense of what he doesn’t want. You imagine he’d be a good commander, or leader, with his deep voice and unrelenting stare, if only he wasn’t so sensitive. He’s too unpredictable. Too uncontrollable. His emotions get the better of him too quickly for him to be unbiased. For that reason alone you deem him unfit to be a spy, or a soldier, or a figure of military power. He’d burn all he would build if that were the case. No, him being of noble birth and being stranded here as some sort of twisted punishment sounds believable enough.

“What are you thinking?” He questions, drawing you out of your thoughts. You hum, ponder whether you should be honest with him or not. “Don’t lie to me.” He says suddenly and you jolt, heart drumming painfully in your chest. For a frightening moment you figured he could read your mind. Then again, you have been spending a lot of time together. He must have noticed how gentle you are with him, how carefully you pick your words. His signature frown is back, you see it for a second when lightning strikes.

“I was thinking about your life.” You admit, “Your work. Whether you really are a royal as most of my crew mates seem to think.”

Flash. You see half a smile blooming on his lips.

“But I know you won’t tell me. Don’t worry, I get it. Ladies love a mystery.”

“What?”

It’s your turn to grin, “Oh, please, it’s almost all I hear about. Seven brought a brooding stranger with a secret past into the base. Lo…Michel… Two of your rapid admirers. I already told you that your arrival has sparked many speculations.”

“I…I haven’t…” He sounds uncertain, flustered almost, as if embarrassed, but there is no way he is, you refuse to believe it. He stumbles upon his words and lastly says nothing. You snicker silently. Another flash of lightning and you see the same confused, puppy-like look on his face you have had the pleasure of seeing once or twice. He does not shield it this time, this moment of vulnerability. He probably doesn’t see the point because darkness obscures everything again.

You extend your hand to him as a silent offering. How many things have you offered him now? Life, health, your company. He regards it, ponders a bit, lastly gently clasps his hand over yours. You jerk. Electricity courses through you and your eyes go wide, tingles rushing all over your body. Lightning strikes. You see wonder on his face, a mimic of your own surprised expression.

“Come on,” You stutter, tugging him, “you’ll catch a cold.” He follows after you. The light blinks on. You don’t know what is happening. Couldn’t have been the thunder, the feeling is not as intense. It felt more like a build up of energy; like you accidentally touched a circuit and it zapped you.

Impossible, you hear something alike his voice but not quite — it’s quiet, distant, muddy.

“Hm?”

“What?”

Once inside, the door sweeps shut behind you, “What did you say?”

“I didn’t say anything.” He sounds a bit ticked now, and you decide to drop it.

“Oh,” You mutter, “must’ve imagined it, then.”

His hand is cold in yours and you squeeze it just a bit, hoping he won’t notice and hoping that you will warm it. When you reach the Medical Wing, you tilt your head and say, “Wait here. I’ll get you dry clothes from the storage.”

But as you turn to leave he doesn’t let go, though doesn’t say anything either. He’s choked up — either he doesn’t know how to say it or doesn’t want to say it at all. He doesn’t want to be alone. Those whispers come again, ringing in your ears so quietly you aren’t sure they’re even there. You give him a soft smile, catching his gaze, “Okay, we can go together. You’ll probably stay here for at least another week, so, it’s best you know where the storage is anyway.” There’s no rush in your words, no annoyance, just simple acceptance. It eases him, relieves him of saying and admitting things he’s not willing to bring to light.

The walk is quiet and you still hold hands. His is much bigger than yours, rough, though not unpleasant. They are hands of a man that uses them often — for better, or for worse — and a twinge in your heart, a sudden thud of uncertainty, informs you that your previous speculations might have not been correct at all. His hand doesn’t feel like that of a prince (not that you would know what that would feel like), no, it feels like a hand of a soldier. But that inching of something amiss is swept away by warmth, silent happiness, a certain deliriousness that starts blooming within you and spreading all around. You feel him, somehow; feel a connection. You can’t put it into words exactly, you doubt you could ever explain it to anyone. It’s fragile. And beautiful. And maddening that such a devout emotion is sprung by something as innocent as holding hands

You wonder if he feels it. You somehow know he does.

The storage room is not big. Your hand slips from his as he chooses to stand by the doorway and you rummage to get his things. You feel braver. Perhaps it’s the tiredness that leaves you so open and bold, but searching you can’t help but ask, “So tell me…” You start, handing him some towels, “What were you actually doing? Besides being melodramatic.” You add, your lips quirking upwards.

He regards you with lively eyes and you see a grin lift his cheeks. He’s smiling, actually smiling, and you know this action is precious and rare and you can’t help but beam at him in return, “You think I was being melodramatic?” He questions.

You laugh a little, a breathless bell-like “Yes” falling from your lips as you fetch him dry clothes from the upper shelf, “All you needed was a cape to swing around.”

His expression abruptly falls and the temperature drops with it.

“Right, no cape.” You mumble, a tad disappointed, handing him his clothes.

As you make your way back, you can’t help but saying, “I just thought it would suit you, is all.”

“What else do you think would suit me?”

You raise a brow, trying to keep up with his drastic shift in moods: again, hes smiling, then he’s pensive, now he seems lighthearted, genuinely curious. “You like to ask a lot of questions.” You conclude.

He shrugs, “I’m just trying to figure out what you think of me.”

“And why are you curious?”

“Now you are the one asking a lot of questions.” He points out. You snort.

“You started it.”

“Did not.”

“Did too!”

This again, followed by quiet chuckles. You don’t turn to the Medical Wing now, instead stopping by the elevator and pressing the red button. The doors slide open. You glance at him.

“So…” You mumble, “This is not how I imagined my night going, but…” You aren’t quite sure how to finish, how to vocalize the strange swirl of emotions in your chest, “Well, goodnight.”

You step into the elevator, going to push the button—“Ben.” He says suddenly, making you flinch and turn to him. He’s not looking at you, instead staring at the floor, “My name. It’s Ben.”

Again, that same energy, that same shock you felt when you first touched his hand ignites your body with something closely akin to happiness. Trust. Bond. He trusts you. The connection you felt was not an exaggeration. He would not have given you his name otherwise.

“Goodnight, Ben.” You say softly, fighting a smile that’s trying to rise on your face, “Sweet dreams.”

“…Goodnight, Seven.”

As the elevator doors shut, you think you hear him say “Thank you”, but that might have just been your imagination.

.

hope you liked it! xxx

.

[clayfaced]

POSITIVE 20 QUESTIONS TAG GAME

ily @hopeisthewholepoint i was doing this a while ago and then the draft didn’t save so this is about 30 years late by now whopps. ily thanks for tagging me tho. ❤

1. Name 4 fictional characters who showcase your personality the best, with explanations if you want.

My girl Edrisa Tanaka from Prodigal Son bc we’re both socially awkward but at least she’s unapologetic about it. I want to say I have Sam Wilson’s humor and I too do what everyone else does just slower. Raymond Holt because I love fluffy bois and I’m down to fight anyone who says anything bad about my pets. Ben Wyatt because we’re both human disasters and I like making dumb stuff when I’m bored.  

2. Aesthetic

Playing pool terribly with friends, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, colorful rain jackets. Balloons, music playing from car radios, collecting movie ticket stubs. Painted nails, open windows, and fish stamps on postcards. The smell of fresh basil.

3. Favorite musical/play? (If you’ve never seen a musical or play, one you’d be interested in seeing?)

Come from Away. Hands down. Though I will say I saw recordings of the National Theater’s Frankensteins recently and both are very good but the Miller-as-the-creature version is especially good.

4. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

Okay this is a bit of an unfair question bc I die at any and all compliments. But one that I thought of today /a couple days ago/ a long time ago when i started writing this that made me happy again was when someone I'm in a club with let me borrow his camera to take pictures during a performance. I hadn't taken pictures in a while and I had so much fun and I don't really contribute to the club so I finally felt like I had purpose. It was hard to see how they came out on the camera but the next time I saw him he said they came out really well and someone else said that he's normally picky when it comes to photos but he liked mine so that made me feel even better and it was overall a very nice time. It wasn't even really the compliment (I mean, it still was but) it was also just the gesture to offer a camera when he heard I liked taking pictures. I didn't have my camera with me until after this and it really made me remember how much I liked it. Anyways he graduated and hasn't been in the club since last semester so I never see him but it made me v happy.

5. How many times have you been in love?

Miss me with that romantic love but I fall in love with friends and people and every little thing everyday.

6. Embarrassing story or fact about yourself that makes you laugh now?

Bold of you to assume I've recovered from anything embarrassing ever.

This is a bit of a cheat bc it was always funny but my middle school PE uniforms had words and definitions on the back of the shirts (no i don’t know why) and mine said “final: adj. last in place” or something like that and you know what? it was RIGHT.

7. Favorite Disney/Pixar movie?

Probably Up. Idk I don’t really have one.

8. Favorite flower or plant?

Probably triostar plants because they’re cute and pink.

9. What’s your favorite holiday?

Halloween 🎃! I love the idea that kids are going bonkers and getting candy and having a good time. And I love that it gives not-children people a chance to dress up and have fun and take themselves less seriously for a day.

EDIT: NO ONE TOLD ME I MISSED QUESTIONS 10-14. NO ONE LOOK AT THIS .LOOK AWAY. IM FIXING IT. HOW DID I MISS FIVE WHOLE ENTIRE QUESTIONS. SMH.

10. Name three things that made you laugh or smile this past week.

This meme dee just sent me a minute ago. I had a socially-distant dinner with a couple of my friends whomst I love a lot on Saturday and it was very nice to see their beautiful faces in person again and I love them a lot. Time isn’t real I don’t know what happened this week. I set up the Xbox again and I’ve played a little little bit of Assassins Creed (which Im very bad at) and Skyrim (which im only a little bad at) and that’s been fun. Bonus answer of dee, nina, and I have been watching 911: Lone Star together and it’s v v fun.

11. What song would you play to introduce yourself to someone?

That is way too hard of a question to definitively answer. My music taste varies so wildly and my favorite song is usually the one I've obsessively listened to the last. Using that logic: Bang! by AJR or Wake Me by Bleachers. Or Chris Martin’s cover of Shelter from the Storm by Bob Dylan. Yeah. The last one.

12. Name something that truly makes you feel peaceful even at your most stressed moments.

Being a passenger in a car with music playing though that doesn’t really happen when I’m stressed. I wouldn’t say peaceful because when I’m not good at that when I’m stressed and most of the time when I’m stressed I have too much stress inside of me so I would rather get it out than be peaceful. So I just put earbuds in and listen to music too loudly so I don’t have to hear anything around me and I can just sort of release all pent up energy with the music and calm down.

13. What do you, did you, or would you study at college?

I’m studying film! I’m technically undeclared but I’m hoping to declare soon. :-). Yes I’m going to be unemployed and leech off of dee for the rest of our lives thanks for asking.

14. This is kind of a weird one, but which outfit of yours makes you feel most like yourself?

Um. Definitely sneakers (by default my white ones because I only have one pair) because I like being able to Move. Same reason for my black pants bc they’re not restricting at all and comfy. And then probably my gray sweatshirt which dee will murder me for saying bc it means I have zero (0) colors in my outfit but it comfy. I like having colors but I feel more comfortable in more neutral colors.

15. What is a quote you live by?

Oof oof I don’t know. I think there are a lot of quotes I want to live by and then I forget about them so if I am living by a specific quote, it’s not consciously. I reblog a lot I like to my words tag or text tag, and this one:

 “‘Do you fall in love often?’ Yes often. With a view, with a book, with a dog, a cat, with numbers, with friends, with complete strangers, with nothing at all.” (Jeanette Winterson)

explains me very well. I don’t know that it’s something I live by because it’s just a state of my existence but it me.

16. Name the funniest playlist name you have.

I wish I had funnier playlist names. One of them is living room couch alone for a very specific mood when it's after 10 o'clock and everyone else is asleep and I'm in the living room alone on the couch and I'm not tired and time doesn't feel real. It's a good mood. I also have one called new york times which isn't funny I just like it.

17. Make a reference to an inside joke you have with someone you love with zero context.

“you know why we do this?" *snap with one hand* "because we can’t always get our arms free to do this” *dramatic arching snap with both hands* 

But that one’s not with dee ( @mrrmiracle ) so give me one sec to think of something else too. Ok here we go: 

"that Andrew Garfield movie"

18. What is a message you would give your younger self if given the chance?

Stop overthinking and start doing. You can’t sit at home sad your friends aren’t hanging out with you if you never ask them to hang out. Initiate things. Its not as scary as it seems. Also for the love of all things holy please form good habits now. Form all the good habits I have none and I’m tired.

19. Who is your favorite family member? (If you have no good blood family members, feel free to mention someone in your found family)

um my cats :// im just kidding it’s @mrrmiracle obviously.

20. What’s a secret dream of yours?

Um lol to not be alone. To be employed doing something I enjoy and make enough money to support myself. If I put lol will this sound less sad.

I’m tagging @mrrmiracle, @grayson-dick @valleydean and @daredeviil and if anyone else wants to do it just say i tagged you and i’ll edit it to include you 👀. i just get anxious tagging people bc i don’t want to annoy people and i never know who wants to be tagged or not.

[iloveyouw]

27 Oct 2022

i was hoping to meet u this week before TI cos weekend i not free liao, but if u dont have the capacity to meet is okay too. i enjoy mapling with u anyways.

im clean todayyyyy https://howlongagogo.com/date/2022/september/22 easy peasy

anyway if ure worried that i will find someone else then i can dont go, if u help me thats more than enough, maybe i go find some counselling. i keep saying but i dont dare to call sia idk why. :/ 

anyway i hope u read what i sent u in the afternoon. and just now when showering i was thinking like last year oct we prolly were at eggslut, and how u write down our mini dates then i thought to myself like, why did i not see that u also like me sia i was so stupid eh wie. but i really like like like like u alot back then alrd. then somehow bloomed into love and then became messy. i just want to love u sia ok but we can focus on the how now rather than the too lates. 

also, u are nothing like the other guys wie. NOTHING. initially maybe the infatuation or whatever nonsense was like the same la, yknow when u first meet a person and u get all sorts of butterfly if u like admire them. but with u it just stuck on all the way. dont know what about u but at the same time also know what about u. u never once judged me and undermined me or look down on me lor. and it was unconditional lor the kind of love u showed. u supoprt me all the way too.. maybe thats why. and ure funny and charming. plus ure rly rly good looking. 

i hope one day the thoughts will stop eating u up, i dont need things to go back to the way it was, we can create new magic, new future but i want to do it with u.

we dont have to rush things wie, i just hope im helping u a little by little. at least let me be with u and travel to u and buy u food. then we can talk about our future another time. idk im rambling. anyway i alrd thought of what i want to send u today. 

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

 do u want to watch this with me? 

also im not really tired, today and yesterday had hard time falling asleep i think cos i start taking the pill again. and the blood ive been bleeding i think its a pimple that burst. so nothing to worry about.

anyway, i give u 2 days to prepare urself cos we are going out friday to eat whatever u like (even if u cant fin) and do whatever u want. its a wiewie day. let me take u out?

lets do 2 days worth of things in 1 night although it will never be enough yknow, 2 days 2 years 20years its never enough. i need 20000. and theres nothing i wont do that allows me another day another minute with u. i wish we met 21 years ago.. thats 21 years of my life wasted not being with the love of my life... but its not too late right, we can do 21 and more from here if u like.

also also i hope that ure not tired of reading my thoughts cos its v all over the place and probably arent any help but i hope u see the change in me ><

also also, help or not, i just want to tell u everyday how much i love u ^~^ 

[peakytoms]

NSFW ABC’s ~ John Shelby

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

So things with John boy never get too wild so aftercare is not really necessary. He likes to just lay in bed and talk to you about his day while you two share a few cigarettes .

He also loves eating after sex because he expels so much energy during the deed—so he will usually go downstairs and drum up some bread and jam and bring them back upstairs for you and him.

The bed always gets crumby but you don’t care “that’s what the maids for” says JOhn

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He is obsessed with you butt—he’s a butt guy. He loves backing that ass up against his hips anytime of the day, loves you sitting on his lap when he’s at work or at home in the office. Big time butt guy.

Hes so much of a butt guy, he even likes his own ass. He knows he was sculpted by Michelangelo himself and he has likes to show off what god gave him.

When the two of you are home without the kiddos—the both of you are always naked, beauty should not have to be covered up

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

We all know our dear boy john has a massive impregnation kink—he loves knowing his woman is around carrying his seed and making it into a human baby. As such, his favorite thing to do is cum inside of you. He also loves to watch himself spill out of you when its all over so he likes to make sure his woman is filled 😉

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

John is one dirty dirty boy (you’ve seen him smirk right? That smirk is LOADED with dirty filthy secrets)

At dinner with Polly or the rest of the fam—he sneaks one of your hands down to his already hard cock. He thinks hes so suave and that no one notices (but because of that infamous smirk—everyone always knows what is happening but lets him have him moment)

When the two of you were younger, you had sex on Pollys bed (she had a bigger bed so it made sense at the time—it’s a secret you two will keep til your DEATHS)

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

John Shelby mates like a bunny rabbit…plenty of experience has been had

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Given how many times you have probably been pregnant (John has like 3 million kids? 3 billion? Ive lost count) Johns fave position is anything from behind (plus that way he gets a perfect view of your tush which as discussed he is obsessed with. Plus, taking you from behind is super convenient

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc.)

He is a goofballTM and sex usually is goofy as well. Because of all the kids you two have had, you cant take time for granted and you often need to be creative because children are literally everywhere and sometimes you don’t even realize it. So sometimes things just get goofy (kids walk in, gotta make quick worl to cover up—and the eventually get them out so yall could finish)

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

John is practically bare down there. He thinks the hair just covers up all that god given beauty so he doesn’t like to keep it around.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…) 

He tries his best to be romantic. He loves you and all that you have done for him so he wants to do his best to make sure he treats you like a QUEEN TM but ya know…life happens and god bless him for having good intentions and ideas but John is not the best at executing them. He tries to be romantic and sweet, but when the time actually comes around there just isn’t any time for romance (all the kiddos running around remember?). But it’s the thought that counts

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

You ALWAYS walk in on him while hes jacking his willy.  The man has got a thousand and 3 kids, and you get busy, he gets it—but he has needs and if hes stressed (because idk…Tommy wants him to kill his teacher or something) he just needs to release some tension (in his balls) and get on with his life

If you catch him in the moment though—you usually throw those kiddies out and help out your man

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Getting you pregnant

ou being pregnant (your tits get almost as big as your ass and as discussed our boy john is a man of the tush)

Fucking you while pregnant—he one kinky guy and he likes the idea of filling you with his seed even when you are currently growing his seed into a human child

He likes doing it in public spaces (especially if Polly is around—he likes to think hes outsmarting her even though she knows everything…she is omniscient…omg shes a godTM  

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

The Office because there are no kids at the office, or in the car on the way to the office because that man just has no patience

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Seeing you pregnant, seeing you be a mama, stress because his brother is a dick, having a really good meal, getting drunk, a really calming cigar, bashing someones head in, blinding someone, winning some money at the races… basically Johnny is always a horndogTM and everything gets him going.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He’s too needy and desperate at most times to ever be picky with things to try

That being said, you two have tried some rougher sex but it just wasn’t his thing. Even though hes a blinder and a savage man with his enemies, he doesn’t really like hurting people (especially someone he loves a helluva lot)

Also for some strange reason, you getting close to any of his brothers or blinders just rubs him the wrong way and he does not like it (I wonder why…)

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Giving

Youre a good mama and are nearly always stressed and tired because of all the billions of his kids running around small heath  so Johnny boy likes to take care of his girl and do all the work to show his appreciation

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Because yall never really have that much time, things are usually fast and rough—but not rough rough, just rough because he has like 3 seconds before a kid starts crying and he just gets very vigorous. If the kids are away at Pols, he will tgry his best to make it special—all romantic and slow and sensual and wooowwwwweeeeeee im feeling john rn what is this?

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Pretty much the only way he has sex is with quickies because he has like 651360176 children somewhere

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

He is always down to find new and creative ways to get wit chuuu—he needs it because when you have kids you need to get creative and inventive

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Because he usually has so little time, he has trained his body to last as quickly as possible (relax though guys he doesn’t cream in like 0.05 seconds, but it usually takes him less than 7 minutes). BUT he is still a shelby and a frickin horse (not a cavalry horse though mind) so he can go for many many rounds (he just hopes he has the time)

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Before the kiddies he liked very much to use toys on you, especially blindfolds (he really liked to play up the name “peaky blinders”)

But now that kids are a part of your reality, being blinded just isn’t practical because one of the 6142782 kids could sneak in and see any second and you must remain vigilant

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Like I said, John has had to get very creative and that includes a lot of teasing. And in turn you tease him right back

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

He is naturally just a very loud and boisterous individual and its hard to contain himself. Given the position you two are usually in during the deed (your back to his chest and he rams you from behind) he usually muffles his moans and groans and screams into the skin of your shoulder or neck.

Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

So we know how John is a massive horndogTM and gets especialluy aroused whenever he sees you be a good mama, but you are the same way with him. John boy is a great dad (your fave pet name for him is Mr. Daddy since he likes to pretend to be a big manTM who can be a dommydaddy even though he really cant bless him)

Seeing John be a great father always gets you reared up and ready for another little Shelby baby

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

He thinks he was gods gift to women and there are very visible and anatomical receipts for that belief. He is not only the tallest Shelby brother, but also the biggest

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

So incredibly high because he is a horndogTM and you constantly do things that excite him

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He always stays up just in case you wanna go for another round

[toxururira]

alphabet tag game

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better

Tagged by @gs0uls​ fdkfjdf thank u for tagging me i lov talking abt myself

im just gonna tag @versacejins @1dalgom @yichor @seoub   thats all i can think of rn sorry, u dont have to do it + sorry if i tagged u and u already did it LMAOO 

A: age | 20

B: birthplace | ohio, usa

C: current time | 9 pm

D: drink you had last | water rip

E: easiest person to talk to | hayami and logan

F: favorite song | uhhh rn its a-cha by suju

G: grossest memory |  my grandpa owns a few houses along a canal and u can go fishing right off the edge of it, and my Baby Child ass (i was like 7) was running along the canal barefoot as fuck and i stepped on fish bones and they went into my foot ksdfjksdf and when i STARTED SCREAMING IN PAIN my mom and step dad didnt even come get me like i was on the ground SOBBING and they made me get up n stumble to them like bitch i got fish bones in my foot!!! anyways, my step dad had to get them out and it was The grossest thing that has ever happened to me to this day.

H: hogwarts house | slytherin bitch Hehe

I: in love? | yes w yesung duh

J: jealous of people? | not really? i dont have a reason to be lmao

K: killed someone | no what the fuck

L: love at first sight or should I walk by again? | do u know how long it took me to understand this

M: middle name | nikole

N: number of siblings | 4, a half brother from my mom and 3 half sisters from my dad

O: one wish | to stop being so Fuuuucking unstable like im Tired!! also i want everyone to fall in love with me .  thats two wishes but if i had to choose one ill go for the second

P: person you called last | my grandma 

R: reasons to smile | yesung     idk

S: song you sang last | likey by twice dont @ me 

T: time you woke up |  like 5 am even though i didnt fall asleep until like 2 am but then i came home and napped from 3 pm until like.  2 hours ago

U: underwear color | grey lol

V: vacation destination | i really wanna go to germany, nyc, california  anywhere in california LMAO, and china preferably like   Shenzhen

W: worst habit | toUCHING MY FACE

X: x-rays | i had to get an xray on my chest/ribs once   idr why 

Y: your favorite food | anything chicken bc its that one food that u LITERALLY cant fuck up like its always good

Z: zodiac sign | scorpio 😔✊

Ultimate bias: yesung kangin and kyungwon.  and chanyeol but i havent been as into exo lately so i havent been giving him much attention :( 

Ultimate bias wrecker: SJUT UP I HAVE SO MANY .  LEETEUK, LEE JOONGI (MY FUUUUUCKING MAN!!! BITCH), WU YIFAN, SIYEON, SUNGMIN, KYUHYUN, BAEKHYUN

Favorite kpop song: Rn Its Still A-cha by Suju    Sorry

First kpop song:  stop it by bap skfjkdsf

Favorite kpop album: exodus 

Favorite kpop ship: [SLAMMING MY FISTS ON THE TABLE] EUNHAE EUNHAE EUNHAE EUNHAE EUNHAE EUNHAE

Hard or soft fan: mostly hard but i get Ultra Soft for kangin 

Favorite kpop company: idk i dont rly care abt companies .  ill just say sm since 2/3 of my ult groups are from sm LMAOO

Backstory of how I got into kpop: i was dating this guy named tj and he was a FAT kpop stan (which i ?? oddly didnt find out until like 3 months into our relationship) and he Loved BAP and was obsessed with yongguk (which is weird because he was/still is friends with yongguk’s sister but anyways) he made me listen to bap and i really liked them n then he made me listen to bts too then i just     got sucked in I Guess oddly enough i dont stan Any of the groups Now that i stanned back then  like i dropped literally all of them i m just a   fat Exol Elf HIgh  . 

[sadrien]

wanna chat? pt.25

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25

alright!!! so this chapter is a little special. its a contest!!!!

for literally no reason at all, i decided to have a little fun with this chapter. in this chapter, there are a bunch of pop song references. the majority are from the early 2000s (before 2010, tho there may be one or two from 2011 or 12) and one is from the 90s. whoever can list the most references wins a drabble/short fic of their choice from me!

to enter, submit a list of all the songs that were referenced in this chapter (or the ones you could find!!)

shoot me an ask if you have any questions~!

mental support = nino, ebony = alya, draco = adrien, vampire = alya

i hope you enjoy!

17:20

mental support: a reminder that i hate all of you

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: u love u s

mental support: i can t believe you just made me listen to all of that what the fuck

draco malfoy: Now You Know

mental support: i wish i didnt

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: its so good so iconic also the writer is now a fukcing awesome published author and mari and i r gonna read her books together join us we can b the nerds with a book club

mental support: i just spent several hours listening to you three do a dramatic reading of my immortal i think weve gone past nerds with a book club

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: sounds fake

vampire: You cant say that wasnt a lot of fun though I forgot how wil d that fic got

mental support: i need to process

draco malfoy: Have fun

  5:02

draco malfoy: Reasons to quit modelling: Early morning shoots

draco malfoy changed his name to asleep in makeup

asleep in makeup: I can’t wait to be done today

  9:34

mental support: i am so sorry dude fingers crossed that your dad stops sending you to them

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: ^^^

mental support: al babe please change your name

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: f i n e uhhhhhhhh

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way has changed their name to aint no lie

aint no lie: baby bi bi bi

mental support: i dont know what i expected

aint no lie: pls choose a lyric and join me

mental support: youre ridiculous why do i love you

mental support has changed their name to fool for you

aint no lie: lmao sap

fool for you: true

  10:02

vampire: Oh my god we have so man y orders to day Wont be on Im dying Im gonna dronw in frosting

vampire has changed their name to too many cookies

fool for you: uhhh no such thing let me know when youre on your break i wanna stop in and say hi and also steal some baked goods pull you away from baking for a bit

too many cookies: My knight in shining arm or  <3

fool for you: mostly hoping for cookies deemed unworthy to sell but yes i can work with knight

too many cookies: At least youre honest

13:35

asleep in makeup: Get me out og hits hous e

aint no lie: omw get ready to leave boy i was in the area on a walk

asleep in makeup: Thnak s

  13:46

fool for you: let me know if i can do anything ok?? if you need to stay the night or something that super chill my moms wont mind besides they keep trying to invite you all to dinner

too many cookies: Same as what Nino said!!! And also what!! I love your moms Id love to go to dinner??????

fool for you: yeah but theyre gonna tell embarrassing stories

too many cookies: You say that like I wasnt there for most of them

fool for you: yeah but adrie nand alya werent

too many cookies: Ok true true

19:11 in PM between too many cookies and alseep in makeup

asleep in makeup: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6J1-eYBbspA

too many cookies: Why the fuck

asleep in makeup: I’m with Alya We’re listening to 2000 hits from the US

too many cookies: Of course you are Are you having fun And feeling better??

asleep in makeup: Yeah We’re cuddling and making fun of the music videos Mostly the fashion Also her mom brought home some food from the hotel so we don’t have to eat ramen which is both awesome and a disappointment

too many cookies: Mhm How hard are you pining

asleep in makeup: Shut up

too many cookies: You love me

asleep in makeup: Unfortunately Why are our friends just so Great Good Incredible Sos I’m getting emotional about them Mari I really love them what did we do

too many cookies: We have really great taste obviously

asleep in makeup: Man I have shitty luck

too many cookies: Or the best

asleep in makeup: That’s your department

too many cookies: True tru e Are you going to survive??

asleep in makeup: Yeah Cuddling with Alya is unfairly nice

too many cookies: Tell me about it Anyway why this song

asleep in makeup: Because I love you and just wanted to remind you

too many cookies: This is the worst way to tell me that But I love you too I have to go help my mom with dinner but Ill talk to you later <3 Have fun Dont die

asleep in makeup: No promises

20:02 in fucking clock hearts

aint no lie has renamed this conversation to tell your boyfriend if hes got beef

too many cookies: Wha t

aint no lie: THAT IM A VEGETARIAN AND I AINT FUCKING SCARED O F HIM

fool for you: what the fuck

asleep in makeup: We’ve been watching music videos for like 3 hours

aint no lie: im liv in g

asleep in makeup: My dad would die if he saw any of the outfits people are wearing in these

aint no lie: american pop music from the 2000s is wild join us

fool for you: i thik im good

asleep in makeup: Youre not

aint no lie: were not falling in love were just falling apart :/

too many cookies: Im too tired for fake deep al

aint no lie: rip im sorry babe

fool for you: can i break into the bakery and get a cookie i need sugar

too many cookies: Cn I convince you to watch a show with me or something

fool for you: duh

too many cookies: !!!!!!!!! Let me know when you get here Im just at the foot of the stairs braiding my hair Ill let you in  

  20:15

aint no lie: bo y why are all of 3oh3s songs fucking icon ci

too many cookies: 3oh3 is that supposed to like Mean somethin g

aint no lie: idk its just another word i never learned how to pronounce

too many cookies: RIp

fool for you: yo mari im here

too many cookies: !!!

  20:25

aint no lie: a;lsdkfjasdf things i apparently need to do add chloe on snapchat

fool for you: yo why

asleep in makeup: She just sent me a selfie of her wearing designer shades just to hide her face cause she took her makeup off

aint no lie: she is???? weirdly chill snapchattin g marhs whtf

too many cookies: Whtf???

fool for you: what hell the fuck

asleep in makeup: That might have to do with us having been friends since we were like In diapers Chloe isn’t the best person but we still talk for a reason

aint no lie: fair

fool for you: i follow her on twitter for her rants theyre ridic they make my day

asleep in makeup: Oh uh Nino can I come over when you’re done at the bakery?

fool for you: yeah of course dude!!! that offers always there

aint no lie: >:(

too many cookies: I take it you two had this argument alread y

asleep in makeup: Yup I feel bad invading Alya’s space for so long

aint no lie: youve been around all night before!!!!! its not a big deal!!!!!!!!!!! the party dont stop

fool for you: want me to steal some cookies from you

asleep in makeup: Stealing is bad

aint no lie: why are u leaving me!!!!!!!!!!!

too many cookies: Ill let Nino tak ethe cookies then its not stealing Also cant you have this con vo irl??

asleep in makeup: Yeah but this is better

aint no lie: yeah also were comfy on the couch and itd be weird to yell at each other when were sitting like this

PM between asleep in makeup and too many cookies

too many cookies: Rip

asleep in makeup: Please don’t make this worse

too many cookies: Come on Romeo

asleep in makeup: That’s not my name

too many cookies: Fiiine You ok?? I know youre going over Ninos Hes getting ready to leave btw but he just mentioned that in the main chat

asleep in makeup: Yeah I just Its been a really really messed up week

too many cookies: Fair enough Let me know if you need anything ok???

asleep in makeup: Thanks <3 Going from Alya to Nino will be fun

too many cookies: Tonight your e fallign in love

asleep in makeup: Very funny But let me know if you need anything too Ok???

too many cookies: I will <3 <3

in tell your boyfriend if hes got beef

fool for you: ok so how many cookies is too many cookies

aint no lie: there is literally no such thing weve talked about thi s

fool for you: i bet if you eat too many you could die

aint no lie: come on let me shake up ur world and change ur life eat All The Cookies

fool for you: thats too many cookies

aint no lie: eat all the cookies an d die

fool for you: youre just jealous that adrien is coming over

aint no lie: please this isnt even jealousy >:/

fool for you: bruh oh btw im leaving in like 2 minutes gonna steal you away from alya

aint no lie: n e v e r

asleep in makeup: Please save me she’s been playing the same song for like half an hour

aint no lie: listen hot stuff im in loe vwith this son g

fool for you: let the beat rock dude

asleep in makeup: Mari pl e a s e

aint no lie: i cant stop cause im haivng too much fun!!!!!!!

  21:35

aint no lie: i cant believe ive been betrayed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fool for you: youre so dramatic

aint no lie: this is the worst thing to ever happen o t me

asleep in makeup: Its not enough to say that I miss you, is it

aint no lie: no >:( tell me what i wanna hear and that is that ur coming bcak

asleep in makeup: Sorry Al

fool for you: yeah ive got a blanket fort set up still from last time so i win

aint no lie: shi t

too many cookies: Youre all ridiculou s You need to come back down t o earht Weve got bigger problems than this Liek the fact that I canT FIND MY SCISSOR S

aint no lie: r i p

fool for you: theyre under your chaise

too many cookies: What

fool for you: check

too many cookies: ……. Holy s hi t HO W

fool for you: magic

aint no lie: u might no t believe ur eyes but ninos magic

asleep in makeup: I thought I got away from this

aint no lie: nope <3

[choisgirls]

Tiggity taggity

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged.

tagged by @sevensity​ my wwwwWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE HI I MISS U SO MUCH

LAST:

Last Drink: I had a strawberry crush ^^; Last Phone Call: SOME UNKNOWN NUMBER CALLED ME AN HOUR AGO SMH SAERAN NOT NOW Last Text Message: Actual text was my mum, whatsapp was 6, and tumblr message was Tex! ^^ Last Song You Listened To: Iris- Goo Goo Dolls  Last Time I Cried: :') literally a minute or two before I answered this thing

HAVE YOU EVER: Dated Someone Twice: Mmmm mhm long distance online and it was fucking horrible i cannot believe i went back to him he was a prick Been Cheated On: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes quite a few times Kissed Someone and Regretted It: Oh yes. Lost Someone Special: Quite a few,,,, Been Depressed: Hi I'm 4 and I suffer from severe depression why are you asking me this Been Drunk and Thrown Up: I'm a Zen or a Jumin, okay, not a Yoosung

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU: Made a New Friend: MY WIFE MY WIFE MY WIFE! And!! So so so many more friends! Like Ams! And Aysel! AnD TEX!!! And kinky nonnie!!! and elizabeth!!! And Heart nonnie! And Hair nonnie! And- *unravels long list of other absolutely amazing people that i consider friends and that i love with my whole heart but if i list them all here i would take all day but please just know that i!!! love you!!! and you are all!!!! my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* Fallen Out of Love: Yes  Laughed Until You Cried: all the time Met Someone Who Changed You: Um. Maybe? I'm not sure Found Out Who Your True Friends Were: Yes and no. More like it solidified my thoughts on them ^^  Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: People talk about me all the time because im this huge bitch and im usually disliked and all that so like I'm not surprised???

GENERAL: How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: Only one! otherwise!!! I have seen a few people on snapchat!!! And i've video chatted with one!!   Do you have any pets?: *frantically chasing after all 10 of my pets as they all avoid me* Do you want to change your name?: Yes. What time did you wake up this morning?: 11:32 because I'm an aDULT and i can do ADULT THINGS like SLEEPING IN and CRYING What were you doing last night?: Homework;;;;;;; Name something you cannot wait for: HaPpInEsS even if its in the form of getting the good end for V's route ^^ Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah i have family members named tom What’s getting on your nerves rn?: The fact that people KEEP SENDING ME FUCKING SPOILERS KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE I KNOCK YOU OUT that and I have no inspiration to write ^^;;;;;;;;;; Blood type: i mean i think all blood is good blood fight me Nickname: Pussydestroyer6969 (Or more commonly I actually go by Lucifer's Dick and DO NOT ask me why) (Really, its usually just 4) Relationship status: I'm pretty dead in all aspects but my hands are cold Zodiac sign: Fake ass snake Pronouns: The evil overlord??? goddess???? that one person?? Favorite tv show(s): Supernatural, Shadowhunters, Magicians, The Librarians, and thats all i can think of off the top of my head but theres more

College: Sucks? Hair colour: Dark auburn naturally, you can really see the ginger in the sunlight :') Long or short: long leggy Do you have a crush on someone: His name is Saeran and I love him so much he is my husband

FIRSTS: First surgery: My shoulder First piercing: My ears! Fun story, my grandma took me as a baby to get them done while my mum was at work and didnt bother to tell her so my mum was peeved ^^;; First best friend: First day of preschool my horrid of an ex best friend walked up to me and punched my arm, saying we were now friends so i mean fuck her she sucks First sport you joined: Boxing and not long after, football First vacation: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina! First pair of sneakers: idk im sure they were black sneakers tbh my mum didnt trust me in white Eating: the souls of those who cross me? Drinking: the blood of my enemies? I’m about to: Fall asleep :') im so tired someone pl e as e Listening to: My cats run around the house and the jingle of the kittens bell ^^ Want kids: I do! Not... currently, but I do! ^^ Get married: I would love to get married~ Lets go~ At the space station~ All of you, at once, come on (ง'̀-'́)ง (ง'̀-'́)ง  Career: This is a hard one because its between programming or owning my own bakery;;

WHICH IS BETTER: Lips or eyes: I fall for eyes sO q Uic Kl Y Hugs or kisses: When you hug people you get closer and you can hear their heartbeat so you know just where to stab them ;) (no really i like kisses better) Shorter or taller: I don't really care but im tIRED OF BEING THE TALL ONE Older or younger: I like a good amount either way, not too much younger and not too much older Romantic or spontaneous: It has to be both Sensitive or loud: Both but i'll probably get just as loud;; Hook up or relationship: *kelly clarkson voice* OH NO, I DO NOT HOOK UP UP, I GO SLOOOOWTroublemaker or hesitant: IF ITS NOT BOTH THEN IM SORRY ITS NOT HAPPENING;;;;

HAVE YOU EVER: Kissed a stranger: oh no listen i would not kiss someone random you dont know what kinda thINGS those lips have touched Drank hard liquor: eheheheheheheheheh Lost glasses/contacts: Yes along with my will to live and my love for anything Sex on first date: Honestly i wouldnt know Broken someone’s heart: I um;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Been arrested: *evil cackling*  Turned someone down: I have but i tend to do it gently because!!!!! its rude otherwise!!!!!! Fallen for a friend: I did once yes

DO YOU BELIEVE: In yourself: I dont think i ever truly have? Love at first sight: Mmm, yes? no? maybe so? me @ saeran hell yeah Heaven: well i have no comment here Santa Claus: If I believe in santa claus will my mum still give me a present that i cant afford on my own because im a poor ass college kid?? :')

 yo im not tagging 25 people sorry im a rule breaker but! here! it is! if you guys want to do it! You definitely dont have to! ^^

hi my names 4 and i hit enter before actually like, tagging people sO:

@paleasamoon, @mysplaced-pen, @wishful-lolita @toraod, @beautiful-mystic-mess, @deadpan-sexual

[truly-aninspiration-blog]

BER ALL OF EM i ain't even gonna put it on anon we all know it's me

nsfw proceed at ur own risk bc im pretty candid though not overly graphic

A = Aftercare Berlioz is at his cutest and sweetest after sex!! If Simba wants to learn any of Berlioz’s weird quirks/secrets, he knows 2 ask after sex and Ber will tell him without much anxiety ahahah. it rly chills him out and makes him very cuddly and affectionate. 

B = Body part Berlioz uhhh doesn’t think much of his own body. He likes...his... uh. His. sh...oulders. tbh his cock is not bad as far as cock goes which is exactly what berlioz would say if asked about his cock who is asking him about his cock only simba, 

SPEAKING OF SIMBA-- berlioz ugh loves his whole body. he rly has a thing for Simba’s chest (the infamous chest) and thighs though. into those #thighs. C = Cum Berlioz is a cumslut which means that he loves. cum. He is into the idea of Simba coming on him, he loves being all sticky and he swallows. 

god he’s gross /#kinkshamesD = Dirty Secret aye i mean uh... that he wants simba to fuck his face probably?? but they talked about that so it’s not exactly a dirty secret. Maybe he hasn’t fully admitted how much he loves come bc that is pretty dirty of u berlioz 

E = Experience Before Simba, Berlioz had i think about 7-8-ish partners under his belt though he was having pretty typical sex. He’s tried the most positions/used toys/food etc with Simba only. F = Favourite Position From behind when he is on his hands and knees. He also likes when he has his legs over Simba’s shoulders bc then u get that nice eye contact plus some deep thrusts why am i answering these,G = Goofy: AnsweredH = Hair: AnsweredI = Intimacy: Answered. J = Jack Off Ber used to masturbate p regularly, usually in the shower bc he’s a lazy guy who doesn’t like 2 clean up after himself ahah. After getting into a relationship, this probably went down to idk once or twice a week? Now that Simba is too tired to have sex with him though ( :( ) he’s probably masturbating more frequently. Again, he’ll probably do it in the shower in the morning. K = KinkCum. Uh. Foodkink? Getting dominated in general/told what to do. Likes getting tied up, likes being blindfolded and gagged. Also orgasm denial he loVES/hates orgasm denial. L = Location Berlioz likes having sex in weird places like the kitchen or in a public place but idk he probably would pick the bed over these places bc you can do a wide variety of positions more easily M = Motivation Simba. lol. 

But no, Ber wants to have sex for many different reasons. When Simba or himself is upset, sex can be comforting. When he hasn’t seen Simba in a long time or feels like idk things aren’t-- going well, he will try to initiate some sexual~ intimacy~ because it makes him feel reconnected and confident in their love and Simba’s desire for him. On the day to day, it can be just a way that Simber plays honestly-- a good way to end the day, especially if they’re flirting with each other. ugh im really upset this entire meme is upsetting me. N = NO Uh. Honestly I really do feel like Ber would try anything once if Simba asked. He is not as comfy roleplaying but does give it his best shot ahah. He’s not as much into topping but he’d do it more if Simba asked. O = Oral Berlioz loves to give oral bc he’s a cumslut like i said he just loves it. P = Pace Berlioz does prefer fast and hard sex but he loves slow and sensual esp if paired with orgasm denial ahahaQ = Quickie Berlioz prefers being able to take his time-- he likes sex ot feel like an activity or an event tbh. Like-- not something you have to rush through, something you set time aside for? Except not literally bc Simber has not (yet) scheduled sex ahah. But yah, not as big a fan of quickies, though he and Simba have done ‘em i’m very positive. R = RiskYUP very down, loves trying new things. S = Stamina Berlioz is usually ready to goooo ehhh 15, 20 minutes if he’s rly feelin it that night, though i mean rly its more liek once every hour and-- idk i know he and simba have gone two or three times in a night if it’s been a while or they’re feeling especially pASSIONATE. T = Toy YES Simber does have toys they r getting an impressive collection. We’re talkin TIES, handcuffs, lotions, cremes, ediblesss. I don’t think its out of the realm of possibility for them to own a cock ring. Ber would, be, into, the, cock ring. U = Unfair Berlioz does tease a lil bit but he loves getting teased and Simba really is the one doing the majority of the teasing. Orgasm denial my friends,,,, V = Volume Berlioz is VERY noisy. He has a wide range of sounds, from soft grunts and whines to louD moaNS. He begs all the time. The more tortured u make him, the more likely he’ll just dissolve into a babbling mess. W = Wild Card WOW i dunno what to do for my wild card-- uh. 

Berlioz would be very much into mutual masturbation if Simba could ever keep his hands to himself. He used to do that kinda thing with other #boys back in the day when he wasn’t rly out but he thinks its really hot to watch Simba jack off so X = X-RayAck-- Berlioz is uncircumcised, probably around 6 inches, a slight veer 2 the right. Y = Yearning Ugh super high. I mean THE THING that I want to take the time to clarify is that Berlioz is an anxious person, who doesn’t know how to use words, and also doubts his own reality (has been known to have dissociative episodes). For him, sex is a very physical thing he can latch onto. It makes all of Simba’s romantic fancy schmancy love declarations concrete, like--ok here is evidence, right here, that Simba really does love me. And on the flip side, though he might not feel like he can tell Simba in words how he feels, he can tell him physically, if that means cuddling/snuggling or u know-- going down on him ahah. If Berlioz were a mentally healthier person he wouldn’t need sex so much, though gosh knows i think he’d still want it. 

Z = ZZZ Really depends on the day. Ber could very easily fall asleep within a few minutes tbh but if he wants to go again or Simba gets him talking, it can be later. 

[saintkimora]

ok first of all. so last night/this morning i had another date w joel so here is how it went

so i got to joels apartment around 6 or 7pm. this time he hugged and kissed me as soon as i got through the door so that was better. we talked and i watched him play overwatch while i rubbed his belly. then we went out for sushi and this is the part i was worried about bc it was our first time going out together

so...it went well! it was only my second time ever having sushi but it went well. i was nervous about eating in front of him at first but i got comfortable quickly. then he took me to his school and gave me a campus tour for like no reason. it was cute bc i liked walking around w him. but also i was kinda :/ bc his school is so pretty and he is so involved on campus meanwhile i literally do nothing on mine but go to class and gsa. it made me kinda wish i went to a bigger school but oh well 

then we went back home and i watched him play kh birth by sleep on his ps4 which was fun. then we watched this movie called gantz, it was weird as fuck but kinda nice i guess, he made me popcorn and he let me try this baguette that he made. i kissed him a lot like when he was playing and stuff i would kiss him on the cheek or on the forehead and he would make the cutest smile and omg it was too much

then we cuddled in bed and tried to go to sleep. it was kinda hot in his room (idk why he didnt turn his ac on) so we couldnt cuddle too much. we fell asleep at 2am and i woke up at like 7:48am. but joel slept until like noon AND THEN he was awake for a few min and then went back to sleep until i left at 2:30!!! i was sooooooooooo bored like i was just laying there going on my phone, staring at the ceiling, and trying to fall back asleep. it was so fucking boring BUT the part when he woke up made up for it bc he is SOOOOOOOOOOO cute when he first wakes up bc hes like quiet and v affectionate and his hair is all messy and i love it. when he was falling back asleep after waking up at noon he turned the ac on and wanted to cuddle so that was nice, i got to hold him put his hand in mine and all that stuff so that was enjoyable. but afterwards i got so bored i was sick of waiting for him to wake up so i woke him up myself to tell him that i had to go home (i didnt have to i just wanted to) so he got all affectionate again and i lied and said i had a v good time last night/ this morning (i enjoyed last night but this morning was boring af since he kept sleeping!!!) so then i left

it was really difficult too bc i get SO hard w him like im fully erect after not even 2 min of spooning w him! idk why he gets me going so much but its annoying i wish my dick would just shut up and let me enjoy the cuddling

i mentioned the other day that i was upset about our reunion on monday. well i felt better about it bc before the date last night he texted me saying how much he missed me and wanted to spend time w me so that made me really happy. but i kinda mentioned how our reunion made me fell while we were watching gantz. and he was like “i was happy to see you, but i was also tired” LIKE??????? oh he must be so tired from working a 12am-6am shift the night before. meanwhile i was literally travelling for almost 24 hours most of which were spent on planes which is incredibly draining for me but that didnt stop me from being happy and excited to see my man again. so i told him that and he was like “yeah well work a 12am-6am shift first then come talk to me” like...so ANNOYING he really thinks a 6 hour overnight shift is harder than travelling via plane and being stuck in airports for hours and hours. so i was just like ok whatever

this is not related to that other stuff but ive also noticed that ive become super like jealous and/or possessive when it comes to men :/ i wasnt like this when i was with caleb so i thinking its fair to assume that the way things ended w caleb made me like this. like when joel was showing me around his school he ran into his friend (who is at least moderately attractive, objectively speaking) so he said hi and i got like kinda angry?? i didnt show it OBV like i just kept smiling and being polite. and like idk if its jealousy or being possessive or both! like i cant help but compare myself to joel so when i see him having so many friends i get so jealous since i dont have that many! and its also possessive bc like i get paranoid, thinking like “what if joel thinks this guy is hotter than me and tries to get with him” like 1. i know i shouldnt compare myself to others when it comes to social things bc thats just setting myself up for failure and 2. joel should obv be allowed to have guy friends and it doesnt mean that he automatically wants to sleep with them. but like idk i keep telling myself these things but these thoughts wont leave me alone!! and its annoying bc i dont like being possessive or jealous. i havent talked to joel about these things and i dont intend to bc i dont see how that would solve anything but like these thoughts are really draining me emotionally and its making the experience of being w joel much less enjoyable. like even with fb when i see some guy comment on joels posts im like *angry cat emoji* and its like its just his friend why am i getting mad!! like yeah i wish i had as many friends as him but like its not his fault hes better at making friends than me. so yeah i wish i could just put a stop to this and relax and enjoy my time w him :/

[cosmicats]

Answer all the questions

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? yessss2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? idk sure3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. The girls ran up to her, and Demeter followed; but as she crossed the threshold, she seemed taller to look at, and full of majesty, and Metaneira rose from her couch, and bade her to be seated.4: What’s something you really want right now? a reallyyy ybig hug from my girlfriend 5: Are you afraid of falling in love? slightly. i fell really really hard really quickly but it was mutual so it turned out perfectly.6: How can I win your heart? If you can be silly and make me laugh tbh 7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Unsure, but i do know we’ve slept on the ground /next/ to a couch lmao8: What’s the background on your cell? my gorgeous baby and I9: Name the last four beds you were sat on? mine, my hotel bed, my brother’s hotel bed, my baby’s bed.10: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? I know she does.11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned? I dunno, I never really had a plan to begin with so w/e, things are going great. (am learning to plan for the future tho.)12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? lmao the iowa state police13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? A Rottie 14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? emotional def15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? zoo! i love animals16: Are you tired? always17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact? SInce 8th grade18: If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? I wouldn’t. 19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? helllll fucking no. fuck that. 20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? like two minutes ago21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? Yes. (but i do have the right person)22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? A million times23: When was the last time you were disappointed? today when the pizza at the airport wasn’t v good :(24: Is there a certain quote you live by? You can do anything you set your mind to. No limits.25: What’s on your mind? my babyyyyy as alwayssss26: Do you have any tattoos? not yet but I will very soon27: What is your favorite color? It always changes tbh depending on the day. rn it’s the the sky on my flight today28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? tomorrow29: Who are you texting? my girl 30: Are you superstitious about anything? super about jinxing31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? YA WENT SHOOTING W MY FAMILY LAST YEAR AND IT WAS MY TURN TO GO AND IT WAS MY GREAT GRANDPA’S REVOLVER AND I HAD A BAD FEELING AND SO I PASSED AND THEN IT LIKE, EXPLODED ON MY DAD SO.

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? I have a whole group chat of guys i can talk to33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? lmao ya my girlfriend34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Jalyn35: What was the reason for your last breakup? lmao. too many to count. essentially though, it was very one sided36: Were you single on Valentines Day? no but it sure felt like it.37: Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. my hair, the rest of me 38: What do your friends call you? gay39: Has anyone upset you in the last week? probably40: Have you ever cried over a text? yeah41: Where’s your last bruise located? my stomach42: What is it from? lmao my girlfriend (not hitting..)43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? usually anytime im at my house44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with? my babyyy45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? not really idk 46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? i always wear hats tbh. idk, safety thing47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style? no i dont really follow trends? idk48: Do you make supper for your family? sometimes49: What’s the toughest decision you made this year? ughhhhh too many. maybe picking what college to go to50: Top 3 web-pages? maaan i dunno51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping? me52: Does anything on your body hurt? my heart bc it’s been like five days since ive seen my baby..53: Are goodbyes hard for you? i always cry. 54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? coffee55: How is your hair? dead, but colorful56: What do you usually do first in the morning? text my gf57: Do you think two people can last forever? yes yes58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? lmao yeah59: Green or purple grapes? either or60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? tomorrow61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? yessss62: What did your father teach you? how not to do things63: Where will you be 5 hours from now? asleep64: What were you doing at 8 this morning. packing65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked? yeaaaah66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? yes!67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? i hugged my brother68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? i wish i was home with jalyn69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? 3 years, yeah70: How many windows are open on your computer? two lmao71: If you won 100 million dollars, what would you buy first? ... savings bonds.. or a lifetime supply of mac for my baby72: What is your ringtone? parks and rec theme73: How old will you be in 5 months? still 18 lmao. almost 19 tho74: Where is your Mum right now? bed75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? because i learned i deserved more76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? no sadly77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? some78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? yeah lmao79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? yeah.80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? yesss81: How many people have you liked in the past three months? 182: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? no not three days. ive been 900 miles away ugh83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? yes84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? no one bc i wouldnt do that85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? yeah, i want her safe yaknow.86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? THE SEATS WERE LEATHER RECLINERS AND YOU PRESSED A BUTTONON THE SEAT AND A WAITER CAME AND TOOK YOUR ORDER AND BROUGHT YOU FOOD, MY BROTHER GOT A BURGER DUDE87: Who was your last received call from? the most beautiful girl lemme tell you88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? maaaan tbh when i was little i put caterpillers in fire ant hills and watched them get eaten alive so yeah probably as awful as that is89: What is something you wish you had more of? time with my girl..90: Have you ever trusted someone too much? yes.91: Do you sleep with your window open? when it’s nice92: Do you get along with girls? i guess i dunno93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? nope. cleared that up a bit ago. went shitty tho94: Does sex mean love? sex means different things for everyone, and that’s okay. For me, yes. I would only have sex with someone that i really loved95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? hell no. more like a dream come true96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? nope97: Did you sleep alone this week? some days98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? yesss99: Do you believe in love at first sight? I dunno. Sure. maybe not for me, but if it works for other people, I’m glad theyve found love100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise? probably my baby

[septic-heart-and-mind]

Alphabet Tag Game! :D

I was tagged by @multiplestrongminds - thank you <3

Rules: Copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours, and when you are done tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you… And most importantly, have fun!

Age - 21, but I’m a child at heart :P

Biggest Fear - anything social but particularly presentations and interviews. Yet I want to be a YouTuber and I love making vlogs XD I also have a big fear of losing people I care about...

Current Time - Just after 10pm

Drink you last had - peppermint tea, have it every night before bed :)

Every day starts with - ‘i’m so tired’ thoughts and checking my phone to stop myself falling asleep XD then I feel proud of myself for getting up early (used to be so hard for me) and then I have breakfast :D

Favourite song - I have too many to choose just one! Anything by Coldplay is definitely up there <3

Ghosts, are they real? I don’t believe so, but I won’t say that they’re not and I have no problem with people who do believe they are real

Hometown - England :)

In love with - No-one currently. I did have feelings for someone I met at university but they didn’t feel the same way and have since got into a relationship. I’m happy for them though ^-^ I reaaaaally wanna fall for someone again and have someone fall for me though... preferably someone I can watch YouTube and play music with :P 

Jealous of - Not jealous exactly, but I’m certainly envious of people who don’t have mental illnesses, forgotten what that’s like x) I’m also envious of my sister because she can sing really well and plays piano so much better than I do <3

Killed someone? Never, I wouldn’t ever do it

Last time you cried - A long time ago because I can rarely cry even when I need to, idk why :3

Middle name - Sinead! It’s because of my Irish heritage :)

Number of siblings - four (three brothers and a sister) 

One wish - For everywhere to be peaceful and everyone to be happy

Person you last texted - my dad

Questions you’re always asked - ‘why are you so quiet’ ‘how long have you been playing music’ and ‘are you okay’ are common ones xD and when I was younger and I used to be underweight some kids at school used to say things like ‘do you even eat’ :3

Reasons to smile - my family and friends (love you all!), YouTubers, music, acts of kindness from others :)

Song last sang - I was making up a silly little song with my sister xD

Time you woke up - 9am!! Proud of myself :D

Underwear colour - can’t actually remember haha xD

Vacation destination - I’d love to go to Ireland one day :) but I’m going to France in summer and I can’t wait :D

Worst habit - procrastination and worrying too much (that’s two, I know lmao)

X-Rays you’ve had - only had them at the dentist for checkups, I’ve never broken a bone before :)

Your favourite food - Pasta, probably :D

Zodiac sign - Virgo

I tag: @justacomicreader @kodimint @lyssadee @doodledream @dark-markiplier @ju5tacr3at0r @jack-septic-why @markimoochica @cutekittypawsh @anna-ik-e only do it if you want to <3

[justintimbershit]

1-100

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?

helllll ya there is for the first time in the history of me answering these questions.

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

i dont recall the last person who hurt me so probably

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

a fuckin cat? 

4: What’s something you really want right now?

i want the bf to be home bc i should be sleeping in his bed rn cuddling w him :( 

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?

in some ways yes but in some ways no 

6: Do you like the beach?

nah fuck the beach. i fuckin hate the same and the heat and the grossness of the water and the people and just everything about the beach 

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

ya i dont know if we've ever slept slept but like, ive cuddled and half napped on the couch w someone else 

8: What’s the background on your cell?

lock screen me and the bf home screen my puppy

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?

my own, bretts, probs my bed at home, and my bed at my moms

10: Do you like your phone?

ya its decent 

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

eh thats kinda hard to answer bc i didn't have much planned but i think things may be going better than planned idk

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

umm.. . idk i need to add new coworkers numbers so it'll be them soon 

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

rottweiler !!!

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

i believe emotional bc it fucking sucks and it usually doesn't heal v fast :( 

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

hm i really like animals but zoos kinda make me sad but animals are so cute ahhh. but i also like art so idk man. both.

16: Are you tired?

always and forever my dude

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

lmao since the beginning of the school year

18: Are they a relative?

no its my schools emergency service 

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

i dont have any exes so no 

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

im texting him rn but i last talked to him face to face yesterday at like 9:30am when he dropped me off :(

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

HONESTLY idk probs not im in college but i have v strong feelings ya know

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yes pls always for very many more times 

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

i have zero. not even a hair tie 

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?

nah not really

25: What’s on your mind?

i miss my boyfriend and i want him to come home and im kind mad bc hes fucked up my sleep schedule so bad bc its only 9pm and i feel dead but i want him home :(

26: Do you have any tattoos?

no but yo quiero 

27: What is your favorite color?

turquoise

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! which is in so many days but its fine

29: Who are you texting?

my bf and a couple friends

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

i have indeed 

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

yes all the time 

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

i do. one or two 

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

i hope my boyfriend does bc hes dating me :/

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

yes people have which is weird bc i dont 

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

id be so fucking sad. the very saddest. my heart would actually break. 

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?

technically yes but i was on my first date w my boyfriend so 

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

we r in a relationship 

38: What do your friends call you?

julie

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?

yes im like...constantly upset and sometimes its not caused by someone but ya know 

40: Have you ever cried over a text?

lmao oh ya dude

41: Where’s your last bruise located?

i had like 2 or 3 mysterious tiny bruises on my thighs last week idk 

42: What is it from?

no idea tbh

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

right now. i dont wanna be in my dorm room i wanna be in mY BOYFRIENDS BED

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

my mother

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

ya i recently bought a pair of chelsea boots and ive only worn them once but i love them and thats the kinda person i wanna be ya know?

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

nah i only wear beanies in the winter to keep my head warm

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

nah my hair is my security blanket

48: Do you make supper for your family?

nah. sometimes i buy brett food from the c-store w a meal swipe if that counts (it doesn't)

49: Does your bedroom have a door?

it does indeed

50: Top 3 web-pages?

twitter, netflix, idk google, or moodle 

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

i hate shopping depending on the kind of shopping

52: Does anything on your body hurt?

my head and my eyes and my ankle

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?

:( so hard lol :( 

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

uhhhhhhh idk great question

55: How is your hair?

long and in need of a haircut 

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?

turn my alarm off and check my phone 

57: Do you think two people can last forever?

id like to think so 

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?

yes bc i was like 9

59: Green or purple grapes?

i like both but probs purple

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

yesterday when the bf dropped me off :(

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

with my BOYFRIEND 

62: When will be the next time you text someone?

whenever i get a text back 

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?

probs in bed 

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.

sleeping still i think 

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

uuhhhh it think pawel idk 

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

yes i enjoy those ppl very much:)

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

i hugged molly and jess 

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

probs something along the lines of “god i fuckin hate my roommate pls shut up”

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

uuuuuh every minute of my life 

70: How many windows are open on your computer?

so many bc i have a research paper due soon and im doin research 

71: How many fingers do you have?

all 10

72: What is your ringtone?

idk its like the classic telephone 

73: How old will you be in 5 months?

still 19 

74: Where is your Mum right now?

probs at her house but idk 

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

probs bc i thought i was in love when i was like 9 and thats not how it works 

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

yesssss !!:)):):)):)):)::)):):)))

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

for the most part despite not talking as much bc college 

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

uuuuuuuuhh no. who tf do i look like

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

yes multiple ppl 

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

yeee me gusta

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?

one 

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

lol ya 

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

i was but he already went to sleep :(

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

probs lex or julia

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

nah boi lets do drugs together. only the weeds tho. 

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

um im pretty sure it was a first date and it wasn't all that great but that boy introduced me and my current bf so worth it 

87: Who was your last received call from?

my mommmmma 

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

honestly probs :(

89: What is something you wish you had more of?

happiness and money

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?

yes it sucks

91: Do you sleep with your window open?

depends on the weather

92: Do you get along with girls?

i do indeed

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

eh i dont really think so 

94: Does sex mean love?

nope 

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

not at all 

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

no

97: Did you sleep alone this week?

sometimes but not all the time

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

yeeees:):)))

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?

uuuh idk man maybe 

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

my boyfriendddddd

[tiredyetsoft]

What am I? (This is on my other blog with a few other..complicated people)

So! 
First off, I would love to know what the hell is wrong with my head, but I can’t. I’m just ranting about the things that make it VERY hard to function in my life. Since I can’t be diagnosed professionally cause of personal things (even though I probably should like seriously..this is getting out of hand) I just kinda do my best when I have better times. Okay now the rant 1) The crippling fear I have of talking/socializing/existing around other human beings without the two main people I basically consider the two reasons I’m alive :) 
This right here makes it VERY HARD to do ANYTHING. These few days have been okay, one of the friends is in Nicaragua, and the other has no way of contacting me, so I haven’t spoken/seen these two humans in about 4 days. This is the best I’ve done in a long, LONG time. The worst I’ve been is basically going mental and living in a series of panic attacks after not talking to these people after an hour. Sound like a problem? Yes! Yes it is! I can’t tell you how annoying it is when I just want to do things alone and be by myself and do things alone but nooooo my “slight” dependence on these two people will either “sleep” as I call it and let me pretend to be able to function for a few days and then drive my brain into a rabbit hole of horribly intrusive thoughts as soon as my head remembers that these people are not right next to me. What makes this worse is then I get very, V E R Y protective and possessive of these people. Like seriously. I have straight up GROWLED at people if they even LOOK at my friends the wrong way. I have realized I kinda can’t keep these friends forever and they have their own lives so I try not to get jealous or possessive but it just kinda happens and drives me crazy. But whatever. *deep breath* 
Here we go 
2) I literally can not do anything by myself besides basic life functions. 
Yes, I can go places alone
Yes, I can make small decisions alone
But the thing is 
If you take me somewhere, out to eat for example, and you tell me that I can get whatever I want 
I will actually malfunction 
I will ask what you like 
And 
If you do not tell me that something is good 
I will literally copy exactly whatever you get 
Ugh 
Do you see why I’m annoyed with myself!? 
I can’t do things alone! I have tried to make my own decisions, I have tried. Trust me. 
But I just can’t. I take orders. I could go into an EXTREMELY complicated rant about WHY I literally can’t make my own decisions but I’m not going to. All I will say is there’s a LOT going on in my head. But I digress on this topic. *sigh* This part is a little dark I. Hate. Every. Part. Of. My. Existence, Yes I can enjoy some things, my two friends for example. But I can’t go a freaking minute without thinking that even they will eventually leave, live their lives, die and be forgotten. I will do exactly the same. I’m here, for no other reason than some teenager forgot a condom, (Sorry for being blunt but that’s true) and I will do nothing memorable with my life, and then I might live to be 21. 
Awful way of thinking right? 
I know. Trust me I freaking know. 
Okay well I’ve tried to be more positive about things, and I’ve tried to empathize with people, but ya see my brain casually reminds me that not one person I meet will actually mean something (maybe) and that the problems they have and the things they say will mean NOTHING in a matter of years, months maybe. 
Not only do I have an awful way of thinking but also I have like no empathy. None. Zip. Nada. 
I care about 2 people. 
2. 
BUT 
at the same freaking time I want everyone to be happy and I wanna take care of everyone and just let myself slowly fade away. 
Make sense right? 
NO OF COURSE NOT 
I literally hate my own existence and I hate that others exist and I hate everything 
But 
At the same 
Time I want to love everyone I want to care but ya see I can only care about the problems and needs of two (screw It im swearing now) fucking people. 
But here’s where my mind makes NO GOD DAMN SENSE (hah references) 
I hate everyone 
I hate everything 
I have so much hatred 
But at the same time 
I can literally be everyone’s sugar daddy and not even blink an eye at my own health. 
I will bend over backwards for the two people I really really enjoy having around 
I will literally jump into traffic if one of said people I keep mentioning tell me to do so. 
I will take care of anyone that “needs” to be taken care of 
I love everyone so nobody needs to love me back. God I hate my brain so much Let’s see what else can I rant about 
Oh yea 
MY FUCKING IMAGINATION FUCKING WITH MY VISION AND MESSING UP WHATS REAL AND WHAT ISNT 
*deep breath* 
To explain better 
I like to fantasize 
(Take that however you want you’re probably right)
I like to daydream and put myself somewhere else 
But the problem is sometimes I forget that reality and my daydreams kinda aren’t the same thing. 
I literally forget about reality. 
I have gone days wondering why the ever loving fuck everyone has cat ears then I remember normal people don’t have fucking cat ears and then they disappear. Or I’ll straight up be in another fucking Universe and then snap back into normal reality with my two friends looking at me (or one like stabbing my nose with their nail sometimes. -_- I’m not salty and it’s not incredibly painful and annoying I love you dearly) I haven’t even touched on my feelings have I? Romantic feelings and that type of shit of course. 
I can not tell the difference between actual feelings and enjoying the attention I get 
When I do realize I like someone I get deathly afraid of them, but I also desperately try and get closer to them, annoy the shit out of them, and I’ll be damned if I all but don’t drive them away because I desperately want to be close to the person. Okay, for example, I had (have?) a MAJOR crush on a person since the day I saw them. And I had no idea what I was feeling for a good 6 months. Apparently this person saw RIGHT THROUGH ME and could tell and was like “aw shit well this is a thing” and I didn’t realize till about 7 months later. I realized and noped out so hard I shoved those feelings way down into a bottle and pretended it didn’t happen. I’ve been best friends with this person for about two(?) years now and a LOT of shit has happened and quite frankly I still don’t know what exactly I feel besides the small fact that I would give what’s left of my soul to never leave their side and let them control my entire existence 
Now, that sounds extremely…weird(?) but that’s how my brain currently functions. The other friend I have I don’t think I have any romantic/other attractions to, and I hope not cause I think they would have a stroke and probably hate me *anxious laughter* but I really don’t know how to control my own emotions anymore so it’ll let me know when my own head is ready to explain how I feel. But whatever. Alright I think I’m talking in circles. 
But nonetheless I’m trying to stay…idk stable(?) at this point and I swear to ever loving ballsacks that if my emotions decide to destroy me again I can and will actually fight..wait how will that work. Nevermind fuck it. I think I’m gonna fall asleep after I post this on my main acc cause I’m bored and tired. Bye

[burntflorets]

22 april 2017

1:03am its funny how I tell others don’t smoke or drink too much when I myself have gone through more than 15 boxes of cigarettes and 20 bottles. idk I’ve lost count of everything now. maybe I’ve smoked more and drank more, but as far as I know there are 15 boxes and 20 bottles lying around on my bedroom floor. 

pathetic isn’t it.  mm I know. tell me more. 

my anxiety was at its highest yesterday. my migraine was at its worst yesterday. they don’t seem like they are going to leave anytime.  I think I’ve eaten more than 8 pills today. I think thats more than what I should be taking in a day. but it doesn’t take the pain away. I still feel like shit. my head’s still spinning. I’m still nauseous. my anxiety is still here. 

I’ve run out of cigarettes and alcohol. I’ve run out of money too. I can’t get more. I need more. I need to calm myself down. I can’t. I need a drink I need a smoke. 

im exhausted, but I can’t sleep.  my stomach hurts. I think I’ve ate too much painkillers. or maybe its bc I can’t eat anything. idk

I’m angry I’m sad I’m disappointed I’m feeling so many things at once. I can’t cope. 

I need a smoke I need a drink. but I’ve run out of everything.

one moment you don’t care, the next moment you do, then you go back to not caring again. you’re so hot and cold I honestly don’t even know what to feel anymore. I don’t know how to prepare myself for that day. 

I need to mentally prepare myself bc I think I can’t handle anymore blows. one more blow and I think I might just snap. 

I feel so on edge all the time. I feel so paranoid all the time. I feel so skittish all the time.  I can’t stay calm, I can’t stop overthinking.  even the smallest of things trigger my anxiety. stupid things like if my alarm is going to ring tmr morning. stupid things like if I’m going to be able to breathe the next second. stupid things like if I’m going to have nightmares or not. stupid things that I can’t even make sense of. stupid things that shouldn’t be filling up my mind. stupid things that keep me on edge all the time. 

I don’t know I can ever fall asleep tonight. I don’t know if I can make it through the night. the night alr feels long. I don’t have my fix of alcohol and cigarettes. 

its only 2am, and I feel like I’ve been tossing and turning for the longest time ever. its going to be a long night with my thoughts. 

I wished I was drunk. so I wouldn’t have to deal with my thoughts. I wished I was high so I wouldn’t have depressing thoughts. I wish I was fine. I wish I was ok.

I thought I found my forever person. I guess not. 

I keep thinking about the fantasy you told me. I keep making up excuses on your behalf for myself as to why you said those things.  its pathetic how I keep trying so hard and living in denial.  when its clear as day you have no intentions of staying but you’re just saying it to reassure me for the sake of it. 

my vision keeps fading to black. its scary. it happened super frequently yesterday. its happening now again. 

its like a fainting feeling, but different. idk what’s going on. it scares me.  I can’t ask my parents for help. they will probe and I don’t want them to know anything. I can’t handle the questions now. I don’t want to put myself through even more hurt by explaining. they are the last people that ill ever find help in. 

I think need help. both mentally and physically. but I’m broke. I have nothing left. maybe its my punishment. idk. maybe I deserved this. maybe I brought all these upon myself bc I didn’t know how to cope. 

4:41am I’m increasingly paranoid and restless. 

your words keep haunting me. 

7:17am It’s like choking on a LifeSaver like a firehouse burning to the ground It’s like you’re allergic to your medication Meant to make you better, but it makes you worse It’s like dying in your own living room Like a home mover following behind a hearse

I keep running circles trying to understand why the dreams I die for are now killing me And I keep running circles trying to figure out why this life is not what I thought it’d be

I wanna go back to the sweet beginnings When I was young and full of innocence I wanna go back to complete surrender of you

but I don’t think I can ever run back to you anymore. 

everything has changed. I pushed you too far away this time. you’re gone. I lost u.

9:13am i dreamt about you again. we were so happy and in love. you designed a wolf tattoo that u always wanted for me and you tattooed it onto my side yourself.

it was gorgeous. we were back to normal. the happy playful us. where we rolled around play wrestling and tickling. me lying on top of you preventing you from getting up. we were so happy. but it was alll a dream.

i woke up and cried.

it’s only been two weeks, but it felt way longer than that.

it’s funny how even after the shit you’ve done to me, even after all these, i still love you a lot. and even if i say i don’t anymore, others can see it in me.

if others can say that they still can see that i love you a lot, it means that it’s pretty obvious and it’s really true.

it’s kind of fucked up don’t you think. to think that i still love you as much as i did before. even though every time i get wrecked, i get depressed, i get hurt and all.

i don’t know if i’m fucking stupid or what, have i not woken up??

i know you don’t love me as much, i know you don’t even love me anymore. and now i’m at the losing end, but still i have the same amount of love i had for you since the start. or even more. fuck.

people always say we accept the love we think we deserve. but everyone says i deserve better. maybe i do. but i love you. and maybe i do really deserve better. but it always has been you.

last night i was tearing myself apart. i was mad at the world. i was mad at myself. i hated myself. bc i still love you even after all these. i was mad bc i knew you left, you were long gone, but i still wanted you. i still loved you.

it’s funny how i always try and come up with excuses for myself for your actions like maybe bc you didn’t have a role model when you were growing up that’s why you don’t have direction in life, or that bc of the way you were brought up, that’s why you behave this way, or that the environment that you grew up in wasn’t the best that’s why it shaped you to be the way you are. i desperately keep giving myself excuses, i keep lying to myself, desperately trying to justify my love for you.

i know it’s pointless and futile. but i just can’t stop. and it’s fucked up. it’s very fucked up.

you’re just going to cont living you like the same way as before, and if we were to get back together, it’s going to be the same shit same problems all over again.

i’m tired of it honestly, i want to be with you, but i want this time to be better. this time, i want us to be truly happy, i know fights and quarrels are inevitable, but i just want us to be better, not like how we were in the past few months. but like how we were in the beginning. able to compromise, able to give and take, able to be really happy.

but it’s all just hopes that will never come true anymore. bc you left. i can see it in the way you reply. there’s no more this time left. there’s no more us left.

2:24pm i’ve been thinking about what you said. you said “i love you and I hope somehow somewhere it all gets better, but deep down we both know that can never happen seeing how diff we are. How hard we try also there will be differences, compromising is one thing but whether in the long run it works out is another, that’s why I need this timeout, to think what’s the best path for us”

and honestly, in every relationship the two people are definitely different. bc opposites attract. And it’s the compromise that makes it a relationship. If you truly love that person, you shouldn’t even be counting the level of compromise. compromising itself shouldnt even be a problem. if you truly love someone. it’s just like you know the other person’s wrong, but you compromise and put your ego down, bc you rather lose the fight rather than losing the r/s. it doesn’t mean that you’re at fault. it’s just you treasure the r/s and the person more and would rather lose the fight instead.

compromising doesn’t mean that you have to give in to the person all of the time. it means that both of us need to give up something, not just one of us. compromising in a r/s can also be negotiating and coming to an agreement instead of just sacrificing something. it’s not always that you stop doing something or i can achieve something, but both of of us have to brainstorm ways that both of us can each achieve while also gaining another benefit for us both both.

idk the way how you see things but if you did truly love me, compromising wouldn’t be an issue. there are always ways to work around it, talking it out and coming to a mutual agreement.

but from what i see, you aren’t willing to compromise for me, you wouldn’t want to work around or thinks of new ways about what u want to do for me. much less give anything up.

i don’t even know how to explain things to you anymore. it’s really confusing the way how you think.

and it’s depressing to know that you think it’s the only way and that you don’t want to figure things out or find other ways to work around it for me. you rather give me up bc it’s the easier option.

it’s fucking selfish of you. i don’t even know if you know you’re being selfish. maybe u do. maybe you just want to be a dick. maybe you just didn’t consider my feelings at all from the start.

You knew i was unstable, you knew i have tendencies to do you shit and harm yourself, but it didnt matter to you. you just asked me to promise you. you knew it wasn’t beneficial for me. but you just wanted to stay out of any subsequent trouble and fights and think for yourself.

it’s fucking selfish of you. you always said in a r/s it takes two hands to clap. and i told you that even if you solved a problem on your side, doesn’t mean that on my side it’s solved too. i might have some loose ends that needs tying up. you yourself know that we are two very different people and we both have different methods of solving problems.

yet you didn’t want to compromise and figure out a way for us to salvage our rs TOGETHER. you just wanted a timeout which was just solving it YOURSELF ON YOUR OWN.

you didn’t want to work with me u just took the easier way out. and now you’re doing it again by telling me we aren’t going to work out bc how much we compromise it’s not going to work out. that’s fucking bullshit. that’s you not willing to work with me. that’s you being selfish again.

i don’t get why you don’t want to work with me to help us on this. i don’t get why you always want to do things on your own. i’m your fucking gf. i should be in this tgt with you to solve OUR RS problems. we’re in this tgt. are we not?

you act like you’re the only one in the rs. that’s how you portray yourself. then what’s the point of me being here. what’s the point of you calling me your girlfriend?

i want to help you. you’re not letting me in. you’re not letting me help you save us. you rather give me up than compromise.

it just kills me to see that even till now, that’s how you really are. and that you’re that stubborn and not receptive of others.

even after all these i still really want us to work out. i still see myself with a future with you. i see myself being happy with you. no doubt it’s going to take a lot of effort. but looking at the way how you see things, you just gave up.

the person who never wanted to give up on us before just stopped caring and gave up.

how much i want to try rn will not change anything considering you rather give me up than compromise. bc it’s the easier way out. bc you think that’s the only way

11:38pm i can’t do this alone. i need a drink. i need to smoke.

i've been staring at your pictures, at the photos i've taken of u, at the photos of us. i miss you a lot. i just want to see you.