#im using a new brush for lining and it makes my art so sexy

[sherman-archive]

i wanted to draw SOME of my human designs so badly so take them please

[yinses]

substitute

| you told yourself that you would do anything for satoru |

gojo satoru x reader

rating: 18+

a/n: i have an obsession i know. i’m working on it

it was to a soft tickling at the inside of your thighs that welcomed you into the next day. a soft sigh broke through your yawn as you shifted and twisted against the desires tugging at your veins. 

somewhere in your mind, you registered that it was much too early. 

but of course your body disagreed tenfold. 

“ngh…” an equally tired chuckle vibrates against you and you jumped at the touch of a thumb brushing against your outer lips. 

“the was a cute sound,” the voice purred. your hips lifted once more in reaction before they were assisted into submission by the firm weight of a forearm along your pelvis. 

the sounds of your slick sliding against his tongue were as equally loud as it was lewd. there was no art to the madness, just a series of flicks and heavy suction. 

your fingers clenched at the sheets, wrinkling the integrity as your chest heaved with every moan. in terms of wake up calls, the impending shrill of your alarm easily took last place. 

“you are always such a sight to wake up to. thought i’d return the favor.” 

and return it he did. 

the insertion of a finger freed up the opportunity for his voice to waft around the room again. the rhythm was as languid as his lazy drawl as he bent a joint and raked the nail against your inner walls. 

“i also might need a favor.”

the pinch of your brow came before the comprehension of his words. gojo was always a talker- a stronger contender as a firm charmer that managed to weave his way through society. as his position as ‘the chosen one’, his power spoke volumes. 

with you- he leaned on alternative methods. 

“fuck-toru… you bastard.”

you choked over the inclusion of a second finger, barely swallowing your words as you struggled to rock into them. 

“that’s not very nice of you. to think i woke up so early to treat you this morning.

your boyfriend took the opportunity to curl both fingers this time, smirking when you all but managed to successful buck him off as you keened under his ministrations. 

“it’s nothing big.” turquoise eyes, tinged with lust, met yours as he rose his head. the blanket fell off his shoulders, revealing more pale skin. “i just need a bit of a substitute today.” 

substitute? as in substitute teacher? he had to be joking. 

unlike gojo, after graduation you had more than willingly left behind the stuffy atmosphere of education. as a sorcerer, you never did stop learning. the always evolving curses not letting you hang too far off your game. 

but to return to the classroom to put those young students through everything you hated in your youth? 

no orgasm was worth that.

you disguised your grimace under the pretense of displeasure as he withdrew his hand all together. he tsked at your impatience, using the same hand as a crude form of lube as he fisted his growing cock. 

“it will be easy. these classes are even smaller than ours were.”

 it was difficult to voice a complaint when he was doing just the opposite and sliding into you. your back arched as he filled you to the hilt with little difficulty. 

he experimented with a shallow thrust, a grin pulling at his lips when you responded positively. the pace he set was slower than either of you were use to on a regular basis, but it fit the mood of morning sex. 

his forehead touched yours as he drew back for another long thrust. “shit-squeezing me so early. what a good girl.”

you whimpered when his hips met yours with more force than the last. “think of how excited they’ll be to have a new face. such a sexy one at that.” 

your body slid along the mattress each time he buried himself within you. you didn’t want to admit that he was getting to you. not even his all seeing gaze needed to retell the obvious. his plan was flawless and in short you were too much of a simp for the man.

so you just accepted the early morning distraction, taking direct pleasure in the way it unraveled the tangle of sleep.

you clenched your inner muscles helpfully and your boyfriend groaned in appreciation as he chased both of your releases with new vigor. the twitching and shakiness began with you as the pace picked up. your climax tumbled out of you with a sharp gasp as your boyfriend filled the space with a grunt. 

the two of you took a minute to regain your before he eventually pulled out and you pointedly ignored the stickiness as you relaxed your legs to give him the room to pull away. he didnt stray too far, white locks tickling your nose as he leaned in close again.

“i have more in store for you tonight as a thank you.”

with a huff, you pressed your palm against his cheek before his lips could chase yours. 

“fine, fine. i’ll babysit your class. you better be on some super important mission.”

gojo made a pleased sound, somewhere stuck between a hum and a warm rumble as he nuzzled the side of your neck and pressed his lips there instead. 

“super important. thanks babe.”

                                          you don’t know why you agreed to this. 

leaning back against the desk, you returned the silent gesture as the three first-years scrutinized your presence. aside from megumi, the other two were new faces for you. but your boyfriend’s knack for storytelling painted the picture in the absence of words. 

nobara was obvious. the sole girl of the unit. 

poor girl. 

she seemed to share your sentiment of wanting to be anywhere else but here. 

“so you’re dating sensei?”

you brought your arms closer to your chest as your shoulders rose with the action. 

was that … judgement?

“i’m so sorry.”

it was the sincerity that scared you the most. 

“oh wow, wow, wow. sensei’s really got it all. “

sukuna’s vessel was impossible to miss as any seasoned sorcerer. despite the boy’s positive demeanor, he reeked of the malevolent residue. yet in a way he made it work, there was nothing really about him that didn’t come off as approachable. 

he had something to gain gojo’s infatuation. there was no doubt in your mind that he would use this boy to help him dismantle the systematic hierarchy of the sitting elders. 

you just had to wonder. 

was the kid his main tool or the curse?

“i can’t believe you actually agreed to this.”

ah, megumi. 

the boy liked to express his love for distance, but the years swallowed up so much of it as you watched him grow. your boyfriend was a lot of things but you couldn’t deny the influence he had on the young sorcerer. 

the boy who seemed to disdain the attention knew it too. 

now that everyone had their turn to speak, you supposed it was your turn. 

“he was very convincing,” you offered lowly before picking up the volume. “let’s not pretend you’re actually going to learn anything from me. im just a sit in until satoru gets back from his mission.”

megumi’s scoff shouldn’t have come as a surprise. gojo’s name was rarely spoken without it’s accompaniment. 

“what makes you think he’s not off sightseeing?”

because killing gojo was impossible but you would happily tire yourself exploring your options. 

your smile was tight as you gestured to the door,” lets kick the morning off with some practice matches. the second years are always eager.”

settled comfortably against the bleachers observing as your temporary students got their asses handed to them, you came to the conclusion that being a teacher couldn’t be too bad. perhaps in the future you might be more willing to offer your services with out your boyfriend’s extra persuasion.

speaking of gojo, you wondered how his mission was going. you never actually questioned his agenda. 

you didn’t expect to wait long as the dial tone started up. outside of battle and life or death situations, gojo rarely ignored your calls. he knew in the thick of it you could protect yourself, but he preferred to keep himself available to your needs. 

the sounds of mixed commotion greeted you before his voice did. 

“toru … it sounds busy. where are you?”

gojo’s answering laugh should have been the first warning. to some it may have come off as eased but you could hear the way he forced it in to deflect. 

“sweetheart, how are classes going? i hope they’re not giving you too much trouble.”

trouble seemed to be the opposite of what he was dealing with. there were a lot of people holding their own conversations in the background, all of them too casual to be in danger. in fact, there were too many in general to place him on a battlefield. 

what exactly were you substituting for?

“order #217 for… gogo-san?”

the loud cluck of your tongue against the roof of your mouth was suddenly powerful enough to drown out the clamor. 

gojo satoru prided himself on standing resilient to all threats. it was how he maintained his position as the strongest. he was sought out for his efficiency and ability to overcome all adversaries. 

even against the most fearsome.

“honey, do i ever have a treat for you! today was a single-day special at my favorite bakery. you should have seen the lines. it's a good thing i got here so early!”

there were a lot of things you would do for satoru gojo.

and even more that you would do to him when you got home.

[funkyfatbabe]

i really wanted to do this makeup questionnaire!! you could say i was tagged by @cacupid (but not really dshjka) so here i am 🥰🥰🥰

What foundation/concealer do you use? 

currently i dont use a concealer bc i havent found one i like and i feel like concealer generally looks a bit cakey on me since i like light coverage, but i use the Too Faced Born this Way Foundation in the shades snow and cloud (mixed together) although i’m thinking of looking into the new Fenty Pro Filt’r Hydrating Longwear Foundation since I know they have my shade (tried the matte formula) and I would rather support Fenty than Too Faced! Not gonna try it till ive used up all of my BTW though 🥰

What do you think of fake eyelashes?

i think they can look super pretty! but i also dont like using them myself bc i have deepset eyes and they generally cover all my eyeshadow ! i will use them if im doing a campy / editorial sort of look but im so bad at applying them its barely worth it sometimes fhadsjfak 

What makeup tools do you use in makeup application?

I use mainly a brush set i got from BH cosmetics which are great quality as well as some Ecotools brushes i got from Coles. i also use a cheap makeup sponge i got from kmart bc it does the job and its ridiculous to spend $30 on a sponge that is no different than cheaper sponges!! 

What makeup do you currently wear every day?

i don’t wear makeup everyday but when i do and its not like a ~special~ look i generally use no primer (besides moisturiser), the foundation I mentioned set with my Australis HD Translucent Loose Setting Powder which I’ve only just started using and i like it so far, really finely milled! for my brows i use my Rimmel Wonder’full Brow Gel in 003 Dark Brown since it darkens my brows perfectly bc if I do it too much I look like a neanderthal lmao (love that deep set eye prominent brow bone combo). For eye shadow I generally use my Anastasia Beverly Hills Norvina palette or my BH Cosmetics Love Signs palette followed by my Elf H2O Proof Eyeliner Pen (not the greatest eyeliner but since i only do wings and dont fully line my eye it works for me!) I then curl my lashes and apply the Benefit Roller Lash Mascara (the sample sizes last so long). If I’m doing blush it’ll be my Revlon Insta Blush Stick in Nude Kiss or Maybelline Fit Me blush in Rose! Finally i’ll generally use one of my NYX Soft Matte Lip Creams since I find them super comfy and set with Morphe Continuous Setting Mist!!

What do you think of makeup?

I enjoy makeup as a way to express myself creatively since i suck at traditional art lol but i also think it can be dangerous and that the current insta glam makeup that is trendy now is dangerous - no one can look that perfect!!! i also think it fosters self esteem issues with much of the marketing bc thats how they make money, by shaming people!! i also hate when im expected to wear makeup i think its a problem when it gets to that point where someone has literal anxiety about being bare faced, like it can really be traumatic ! also the trend of having tons of makeup i mean that shits expensive and you really dont need that much, it shouldnt be normalised AGH. i also hate how a lot of brands sexualise their products which theyre promoting to young girls !! its disgusting!!! dont call your mascara better than sex or your blush orgasm i get so heated over this, they shouldnt think to use makeup to make them ~sexy~ theyre young girls this makeup makes them look like theyre in their 20s they shouldnt be worrying about their appearance in this way theyre kids AGH

  What cosmetic products have you always wanted to try but still haven’t?

I really wanna try some colourpop products, nothing in particular but i hear their quality is great for the price and if that doesnt draw me in idk what does!

How often do you shop for makeup?

not very often, i usually buy makeup if i need to replace a staple in my routine, or if i see a palette i really like and am in the financial position to buy it / can’t dupe it with my current collection

Who are your favorite bloggers/vloggers?

i LOVE Smokey Glow and Nisipisa, they’re great if youre looking into makeup with a critical anti-consumerism eye

Do you like multifunctional products like lip and cheek stains?

yes! i use my cream blushes for lip stains sometimes and they look very nice 

Do you subscribe to any beauty boxes?

nope! idk if there are any in australia and id rather just buy stuff i want than buy random things that i might not even like

Favourite recent beauty buy?

probably my Sugarpill Fun Size palette! the colours are so unique, but i was rly disappointed in the shade Twitch it under-performed compared to the rest :(

All-time favourite beauty item?

probably my BTW Foundation bc it was the only foundation I’ve ever used that doesn’t sink into my pores and cling to my dry patches

Any beauty brands you won’t support?

Jeffree Star Cosmetics, Kat Von D, Kylie Cosmetics, KKW Beauty, most influencer brands, Huda Beauty, Limecrime, Morphe (when I finish my setting mist I won’t be buying again)

I tag anyone who wants to do this! i dont really know anyone on here so just go for it  �� sorry that this doesnt make heaps of sense i struggled putting my thoughts into words haha

[blondecarfucker]

Bed of Roses (Chapter 20)

Roger Taylor x Reader

BoRhap!Roger Taylor x Reader

Fic Summary: It's 1971. You just moved to London to study, and you find a band on a local pub after a bad date. The encounter doesn’t go the way you expect it, and neither does what follows this evening as you try to deal with loving Roger Taylor.

Fic Note: So I’ve had this story in my head for the last three weeks and finally decided to write it down. It’s completely planned. It will have 21 chapters and it’s divided in three acts: Dusk, Night and Dawn. It’s will be a bit angsty in the future, and it will most likely have some smut as well. I hope you guys enjoy it! Tell me what you think about it in the asks/comments/messages. PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER OF THE STORY. If this is your first time stumbling upon Bed of Roses, thank you for stopping by! The rest of the story is in my masterlist, the link is in my bio - can't put the link here or else the post will disappear from the tags.

Chapter's notes: GUYS THIS TOOK SO LONG AND IM SORRY. im actually in another city at the moment and yeah, having free time has been a bit hard - i wrote this mostly on a plane and now im editing it on an uber on my way to class. BUT, theres only one more chapter to go!!! WTF!!!! its so close to the end???? i mean?????? but its been an amazing journey and mostly thanks to you all!! more thanks on the next chapter where im gonna be so cheesy thanking you all, just wait. anyway, nice fun sexy chapter to heal our hearts from the break up and stuff! hope you enjoy

Words: around 4k

Warnings: smut, alcohol, swearing probably. all in good fun tho. probably some errors cause its been a busy week

 ACT 3 - DAWN

"It's the moment night time seems weaker and everything seems easier to figure out"

Chapter 20

Paris

You hold Roger's hand as you wait in line for the immigration officer to check your passports. The activity in itself is something the both of you did many, many times before - you travelled a lot with the band.

But this was different. You were not only alone with Roger, but there was nothing concerning you - his mood, your job, nothing. You feel at ease.

Roger's idea to go somewhere where none of you knew very well was brilliant. Since you're outside of your comfort zone anyways, you were both more easy going, not overthinking anything, just spontaneous. You knew the time where you would talk about your relationship and how you want to deal with everything would come, but you weren't stressing about it. You would think about it once the time came - there was no reason to be concerned now.

Cause now you could only feel Roger's touch, hear him humming something - you couldn't believe he was humming La Vie En Rose, the most cliche Paris song of all times, but of course he was. His shoulders are relaxed, and he brushes his thumb against the skin on your hand. His smell is all around you.

You could really immerse in the presence each other, now. Ever since you left London, where almost everything between you happened, you didn't really knew anything else - the fields on the window, the french being spoken by the people on the cabin next to yours. So you just laid your head on his lap as he ran his fingers through your hair and told you about the little things you missed.

His eyesight has gotten worse, and now he can't really do anything without his contacts. He met David Bowie in an award show, and he thought of you - he knew how much you liked him. He still knew all of Fleetwood Mac's 1974 album songs by heart - he kept the album you left in the old flat.

And also stuff about the boys. John's kid was a cute, quiet boy, just like his dad, and he didn't enjoy any of Roger's songs when he went to rehearsals. Veronica was pregnant with another baby - Roger's pretty sure it's a girl. Brian was still thinking about finishing his PhD, but never got around doing it - his schedule is too crazy. Freddie was growing tired of the long hair and clean face, and kept thinking about changing his looks, but couldn't decide on what he would do. He told you that ever since Freddie and Mary broke up, he started seeing more guys - none of you thought much about it. It was just another aspect of Freddie's life.

Roger kept writing songs now, even when they were on tour or at home. He was getting annoyed at the "No Synths" rule in the band, and tried to convince them to drop it. But he was happy with the new album - he enjoyed how they simplified the process of writing it, and thought mostly about writing songs they can play live the same way they play it in studio. The last time they did it was in their first album.

You just kept looking up at him, his defined jaw glowing against the sun, his bright blue eyes looking down at you to watch your reaction, your grin once he told you he finally finished writing Sheer Heart Attack, a song he tried to get done and in an album ever since 1974.

And now the immigration officer called you, and you laughed as you watched Roger try to speak french to the guy before taking the matter into your own hands.

And when he asked you what was your relationship with him, you just smiled and said "mon copain".

-

You knew Roger chose the hotel as you packed in London, sitting between all the boxes so he could use your phone. You didn't pay attention to which hotel he picked, but once you got to the Champs-Élysées, you knew he spent too much money.

You got off the cab at the Four Seasons George V Hotel, a building that was basically a modern castle, and you stared at him, shocked. "Roger, you didn't do this", you told him, your eyes wide as you entered the spacious and luxurious lobby, your luggage already being taken to your room as the lady on front desk recognized Roger. "Did what?", he asked jokingly, raising his brow at you, even though he knew what you meant. "This hotel. It's too nice and probably a fortune", you told him, and he shrugged. "Hey, we deserve it. We always did. But now we can afford it", he winked, and then took the room keys from the front desk.

"C'mon, I want to see how you're going to react to the Penthouse Suite", he laughed, and you coughed. "Um, I'm sorry? The what now?", you asked, and he playfully pulled you into the elevator.

He kept looking at you the whole lift ride, excited and nervous - he wanted you to like it, to enjoy his efforts, to take him back into your life somehow.

When he opened the door and walked to the side, his old genuine smile was back on his lips, and you couldn't help but smile back, even before taking a glimpse into the room.

And what you saw surprised you - everything looked expensive, but still comfortable. You first entered a huge living room, and every couch looked comfortable enough to sleep in. Then you walked to the bedroom, and the huge bed caught your eye - it was big enough to fit comfortably at least five of you. The bathroom looked like a spa, a huge bathtub in the middle of it, a delicate statue of a woman under the window that overlooked the Champs-Élysées.

You walked to the balcony with Roger beside you, and he laughed when you gasped.

The Eiffel Tower looked back at you, glimmering at the sunset.

You looked at Roger.

"You're unbelievable, you know."

He smirked. "I'm just trying to get you in bed, though", he told you, and you laughed as you walked closer to him.

"You did that when you didn't have a penny, Rog. You don't have to get us a huge suite with artwork everywhere and a view of the Eiffel Tower", you said, bringing him closer to you by his collar as he snaked his arms around your waist.

"I never have to do anything. I do it because I want to. Because I love you", he whispered, his breath against your lips, teasing, feeling like the ghost of a touch.

"I love you, Roger", you told him, moving your hands to the back of his neck and pulling him in for a kiss.

-

You held his hand as the cool wind passed through your bodies. It was the next day, and you've decided to walk to the Louvre by the side of the Seine.

It would be faster if you got on a cab, but the view of the Seine, the sounds of the city and the smell of pastries and perfume made everything feel even more like a dream. You were still tired from last night, and the night before it - you and Roger were acting like a couple in honeymoon ever since you met again, stolen kisses and arms wrapped around each other, trying to make up for the lack of touch in the last couple years.

And once you were alone, you'd hug and touch and kiss and fuck passionately wherever - sloppy kisses and love bites all over each other, first in London and now here. It didn't feel like you were together again for only about 36 hours - so much has happened, yet time passed by so fast. It was like you lost touch with reality ever since you looked at his hands on the pub.

When you thought of being alone in New York, it felt like a past life. But the weird thing was how your first years with Roger also felt like another life - you wouldn't act the way you did again, ever. But you were grateful for both times of your life. You felt like you could never get here, to Paris and to Roger, if those things didn't happen.

You got to the Louvre and you were surprised at Roger's interest - he wasn't simply acting interested while trying to get you to leave somewhere else with him. He was genuinely interested in the art, commenting about each style and dropping trivia about artists.

"Someone has been spending some time with Freddie, I suppose", you noted, and he gave you a half smile. "Well, the person responsible for bringing culture into my days spend some time away. I had to look for substitutes", he said, and you jokingly nudged at him.

He still looked at you adoringly once you started talking to him about the excellent state of conservation the mummy was in, or once you started analysing "L’Européenne".

You both kept quiet as you watched the Mona Lisa, only holding hands as you tried to get closer to the painting, dozens of visitors separating you from it. It was a time for reflection, too. The Mona Lisa invited you to think about yourselves, her neutral expression making you wonder - seeing it was one of your life long goals, and now you're realizing it with Roger. Being with Roger was something else you struggled to achieve, ever since the first time you saw him. But now it was the time to realize dreams - hell, you'll start working at the British Museum in a few days.

But you got distracted as soon as you got to the Venus de Milo. Roger snaked his arms around your waist from behind you and pressed a slow kiss under your lobe before whispering "You look just like her".

You felt a goosebump on your neck, but you tried to laugh it off. "I can think of a few things we don't have in common, though", you said, and he rubbed his nose on the curve of your neck. "Like what?", he whispered.

"I'm gonna start the list with the basics: arms", you told him, and he laughed against your skin. "I can think of a few other things, too", he tells you, back at kissing your neck. "Yeah? Like what?", you asked, and he sucks on your skin for a few moments, hitching your breath. "Your skin is softer", he says, and then lightly bites you, running his tongue over it to sooth it. "And you taste amazing. Everywhere", he whispers again, and you bite your lips as you feel another goosebump on your neck, and it didn't go unnoticed by Roger. "And the way you react to me”, he whispered, wetting his lips. "God, it kills me", he said, running his fingers over the area where the goosebump was.

It was a public place, but it didn't cross your mind when you turned around and pulled him in for a kiss, making it deeper as your tongue massaged Roger’s. His fingers brushed over your exposed skin, and you could feel how strong his grip on your waist was, wrinkling the fabric of your summer dress - probably inappropriate. You pulled him even closer to you by his hair, already used to its new length after two nights. It was only when you broke apart to recover your breath that you noticed how you were making out in a public place, and only because Roger told you.

"I know we're in public and I'm trying to be more discrete now, but all this artwork just made you look even more beautiful, like you belong around them. I just couldn't hold myself any longer", he said.

-

The warm water ran through your fingers as you filled the bathtub, only in your robe, as Roger spoke with the concierge on the bedroom. He told you he was getting champagne, but you didn't see why the concierge would go to the bedroom for it. Anyways, you wanted a warm bath.

After the Venus, you and Roger had a hard time keeping your hands away from each other. So you didn’t argue when he suggested you take a cab to the hotel.

The cabbie was an older man with a very rosy skin, and he barely knew how to speak english, but he sure tried - specially with Roger. You were suspecting he knew who Roger is, and Roger apparently thought the same, an amused look on his face as the driver tried to continue the conversation with him.

He was looking amused for another reason, too. His hands took his time on your legs, his long fingers brushing over your inner thighs, making you press them together as you tried to control your breathing. Roger kept talking to the driver as he slowly moved his fingers closer to you again, and you bit your lips to hold a moan when he pressed two fingers against your core.

You were already wet from all the teasing, and it goes through the lace of your lingerie, wetting Roger’s digits. He took his fingers away from you, and you frown as he rubs his two fingers against his thumb, smirking at you.

Then the driver asks him something and he turns to answer, putting his hand on your knees and then quickly sliding them up, moving them to your core again, massaging your clit for a few seconds. He looks at you so he can see your reaction, and you can hear the driver’s voice as you grip on Roger’s arm so he keeps touching you, pressing your lips together to keep quiet.

He keeps smirking as the conversation with the driver goes on, and you decide you can tease him, too. You move your hand from his arm to his leg, and he moves his gaze back into yours as you move your hand slowly to his inner thigh. His eyes get wider once you run your finger over his length, his cock already getting hard and visible through his always tight pants. The driver called his name so he answers another question, and you wrap your hand around him through the fabric of his trousers.

His breathing audibly hitches and he tries to be discrete by making it into a cough. He answers the driver and then looks at you, but you’re looking forward, innocently. He smirks again and then pulls your lingerie to the side, and, without more teasing, puts his two fingers inside of you. You gasp, and the driver looks at you suspiciously as Roger starts pumping his fingers inside of you.

But then the car stops in front of the hotel.

You take your hand away from Roger and he does the same, feeling like two children who got caught with your hands inside the cookie jar. Roger pulls out his wallet from his pocket so he can pay the cabbie, his fingers still glistening as he holds the leather wallet.

You then walk to your room without saying anything until you close the door. “So, that guy was pretty close to figuring out our little teasing game, huh”, he said, unbuttoning his shirt. “I was pretty close, too”, you said, winking, and he smirked. “I guess you want to go back to where we were before getting interrupted?” he raised his brow.

But you wanted to tease him a bit more. So you nodded a no. “Actually, Rog, I think I want to take a warm bath”, you came closer to him, wrapping your fingers on the back of his neck. “That’s a really good idea, in fact”, he said, and started undoing his belt. But you held his hand in place. “But you won’t join me”, you said, and he pouted in protest. “Not until you get me some champagne. I thought you were gonna be romantic before luring me into bed, Taylor”, you said, and he laughed. You let go of him and turn around.

“Can you unzip me, please?”, you ask, and you can hear him scoff, annoyed at your teasing, but then you feel him slowly unzipping your summer dress, then moving his hands to your shoulders as he slides your dress down.

You're not wearing a bra, so you can feel the cold wind from the AC on your hard nipples, getting even harder as you felt his lips on your neck once again, his hands pulling your dress down at your hips before it falls to the ground.

Then you move away from Roger’s grasp as you walk to the bathroom, without looking back at him, and you can feel his eyes on you as he watches your hips sway as you walk, only in your burgundy lace panties, your hair cascading on your back.

And now you’re inside the bathtub already, feeling the smell of roses and cinnamon from the bath salts you used, waiting for Roger. You hear the door close, and the concierge is gone.

“Rog? I’m waiting for you”, you say out loud, waiting for his answers. “Actually, I think I’m not in the mood for a bath. But your champagne is here”, he says, and you can hear a fake tiredness in his voice.

“Are you sure you’re gonna leave me here, alone, in this bathtub? I’m gonna have to do something to let the time pass, you know. And you’re gonna hear me do it without doing anything about it?”, you asked with an affected voice. You haven’t teased him in so long, you forgot how fun it was, especially cause he always teased you back.

“As tempting as your bathroom plans sound, I’m also alone here, you know. And your champagne is here. Can’t believe you’re gonna waste it after I got it just for you”, he said, and you laughed. You got up from the bathtub and barely dried yourself on a towel before putting your robe back on and walking to the bedroom.

Roger was sitting against the bed’s headrest, completely naked and rock hard. You moved your hand to your lips and you let out a sigh at the vision. He looked like a greek god - Apollo, maybe, with his golden locks shining against the afternoon sun, his skin glowing under the golden hour lights coming through the window. The bed was filled with red rose petals under him, the smell filling your lungs.

He opened his eyes when he heard your sigh, and he smirked at you. “Get the champagne and come here already”, he said, pointing his head at the table where a Dom Pérignon bottle sat on an ice bucket, and you did so. You climbed on top of the bed and started moving towards him. “Are you suggesting we play with food, Mr Taylor?”, you asked, and he nodded. “Give it to me and I’ll show you”, he told you, and you gave it to him as you sat on his thighs.

He popped the bottle open and some of the liquid poured over the edges. He licked it, looking at you, before undoing your robe with his free hand. He pulled it to the sides, looking at you with admiration as if he was unwrapping a Christmas gift.

You took the robe off and threw it to the side, and his free hand moved to the back of your neck and pulled you in for a kiss. It was a slow, delicate kiss, where Roger tried showing you love, admiration, respect. Not only how much he wants you, but how much he cares about you.

But you pulled him closer to you, moving closer to him, and your bare breasts touched his naked torso, making the two of you moan.

That gave a new sense of urgency to the kiss, and after a few seconds, Roger broke it apart. “Tell me if you want me to stop”, he told you, and you nodded. He poured a bit of champagne above your collarbone, the cold liquid making you shiver, and then Roger’s tongue licked it, warm and wet.

He looked up at you to make sure you liked it, and you gave him a quick nod. He smirked, then poured champagne on your other collar bone, and licked it off again.

As you seemed to like it, he poured champagne between your breasts, licking it off right after and waiting a few seconds to see if you’d protest. He then finally poured a bit of champagne on one of your breasts, right above the nipple, licking you and the drink.

He kept doing it for a while, sucking on your skin that tasted like champagne and cinnamon, the smell of roses intoxicating him.

You broke away from his touch, and he looked at you, confused. “Can I try it?”, you asked, and he nodded, passing you the champagne bottle.

You started above his collarbone, and you could feel him moving under you. You wondered how much he would be able to wait before fucking you, considering he was already hard before you licked champagne off of him.

Once you poured champagne over his chest, you didn’t lick fast enough, and a drop of champagne rolled down on his torso. You leaned in to lick it right before it fell to his pelvis, mere inches away from his cock.

The feeling of your tongue close to his length did it for him - he had to have you, right now. He gripped your hips and motioned them up, and you understood what he wanted, so you got on your knees and stood right above him as he positioned himself on your entrance.

You slowly moved down, feeling him filling you, and you let your head move back as you moan in pleasure, your moan intensifying as you heard Roger’s voice whispering your name.

You started riding him slowly, small moans leaving your lips every time you felt him bottoming out inside of you, but you wanted him to go deeper.

So you got off of him, and he grunted, frowning at you as he saw you on your knees in bed. But once you leaned forward, putting your weight on your elbows, he smirked. “I want to feel you deeper”, you told him.

He moved to your back, spreading your legs a little more so he had better access to you, and you both cursed under your breath as he got inside you again slowly, so you could get used to his size on this new position, his grip on your ass getting stronger once he was completely inside you again.

You moaned his name, and he moved his hands to your waist so he could move inside of you with more control.

He developed a rhythm after a few moments, and all you could hear was the sound of your skin on his and the moaning (and cursing) coming from his lips and yours, too. You could feel yourself closer to your orgasm.

It wasn’t long before you reached your high, crying his name as you pulled the duvet into your fists.

Roger kept thrusting through your high, but once he noticed you were done, he pulled out. "Can you turn?", he asked, and without much thought, you turned over and layed down, wrapping your legs around his hips.

He gave you a tired smile and then got inside you again, thrusting. "I like to look at you", he told you, closing his eyes, focusing on his movements. He was like that for a few seconds, and you could see the beads of sweat forming on his face, his blonde locks glueing themselves to his forehead.

As his movements got more intense, you could see he was close. "Y/N? Can I pull out?", he asked, and you nodded a yes. He liked to do that sometimes, when you could get messy, but it has been so long you nearly forgot.

So he pulled out and his cum fell on your torso, covering your breasts and stomach. He fell to your side and stayed there for a few moments, before opening his eyes and looking at your torso. "Sorry for the mess", he said, getting up and going to the bathroom. You smiled when you heard the sink open, and your smile got wider as Roger appeared with a warm cloth on your hands.

"I guess this helps", he shrugged, wiping his cum from your torso carefully. Once he cleaned most of it, he giggled. "Maybe a bath is not a bad idea, after all. Will you join me?", he asked, offering you a hand.

---

Chapter 21

Masterlist

Taglist:

@taylorroger-s @sarai-ibn-la-ahad @its-nessi @anamcg317 @frenchieswiftie @queen-danielle-dani-dan @minihemo @shutup-sorry @theyrealllegends @killerqueenisthebest @ashagracelove @hardy-s @fuckinghurricanesoul @secretsweetscollectionblog @mrswinterhater @11mb0 @tamtam-go92 @derptatosaur @brianandthemays @phantom-fangirl-stuff @the-hysterical-queen @rogerofmylife @notevenlxvely @discodeakyy @x1975sos @16wiishes @jennycidesstuff @partydulce @melros-e @onevisionliz

[gukiee]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUNGKOOK: 365 Reasons why I LOVE him

Hope you’re ready for this because I’m about to word vomit my love and adoration for Jungkook for 365 bulletpoints straight

first of all what isn’t there to love about him:

his cute soft gentle bunny smile

the way he takes out (specifically the right) earpiece when hes singing

his lower lip mole

HIS SINGING VOICE

like the way his voice can go rly low and raspy but then also really high pitched and whiny and squeaky im literally in love

HIS LAUGHHHHH when he starts laughing so hard he starts clapping and throwing his whole body into it

or how his giggle starts off quiet but then it gets rly high pitched and squeaky

but then he laughs so hard that no sound comes out and it gets rly low and he gasps in between laughs its so cute :(

the way he chooses to use formal language with his hyungs out of respect even when he’s been told multiple times it’s okay to speak comfortably

the way he works so hard at ABSOLUTELY everything he does

like how he wanted to get good at bowling so he went almost every day at 2am DESPITE promotions and a busy schedule and practiced for months to improve

the way he hums in between his words when hes thinking and makes this like? “kahhhehh” sound in between when he’s not sure what to say next

his big brown beautiful eyes and the way they’re so big and sparkly :(

his silly personality when he’s rly comfortable and starts getting absolutely wild and fools around with his friends

the way hes finally starting to open up and become less shy and now has friends outside the group he speaks to regularly

THAT TIME HE WENT TO BURGER KING AND ORGANIZED ALL HIS TRASH WHEN HE WAS DONE

hes just rly? respectful and thoughtful and always puts people before himself

how he worked SO hard on his Begin solo stage and KILLED IT WITH THAT FOOTWORK

speaking of solo stage RAINISM was.... well I think if you follow this blog you know how I feel about rainism but ya... killed it

mmmmmmmm his voice in classroom ideal

and the belt chain

that one time the members pranked him for his birthday and the manager yelled at him for messing up the choreo (which was part of the prank) and said something along the lines of “do you think you’re so perfect you don’t mess up?” and he got rly quiet then when they revealed it was a prank he cried because he thought he was letting everyone down

acts tough and sexy but is really a big softy

cries when his hyungs are struggling

like when taehyung’s grandma died and they spoke about it on stage and he started crying

or when he started crying when they won their daesang because he said he was so overwhelmed with thankfulness and wanted to make us proud

or how he cried during the epilogue tour because he “wants to be our singer forever”

I just rly love how passionate he is and how he rly cares so much about making others happy

always says hes okay even when hes not because he doesn’t want to burden people and want to put them first and not worry them

bought music equipment to get better at making music because he had a hard time with Begin and wanted to practice more

is always practicing SOMETHING to get better at

his thiccccccc thighs oohohohhhhhhh booooyyyyy do I love those thic thighs mmmmfmckkk

the way his body moves when hes on stage

his soft hair :( whether its straight across his forehead, parted, curly, pushed back, straight, wavy idc black brown blond pink highlights red purple it could be any colour and any way and i love it all :(

his big manly hands with those long dainty fingers

HIS DIMPLES!!!!!! WHEN HE SMILES RLY HARD AND HE GETS ONE RLY PROMINENT DIMPLE ON HIS LEFT SIDE AND HIS CHEEKS CRINKLE A LITTLE BIG AND SINK IN SDHFGJK

his scar on his cheek :’)

the scar on his arm by his elbow

his long lashes

the veins.......on his arm..........and hands..........and in his neck lmmmmcmmmfmckkcki 😭😭

the mole on his neck

and cheek

and the beauty mark on his right nostril

his puffy pink lips that are always so soft

that meme dance he does u know the one with the hands and that facial expression

how extra he is it’s one of the things I love so much about him because hes never afraid to be silly

that time literally HOPPED IN THE OCEAN, PULLED OUT A HUGE ASS FISH, THEN WORE IT FOR A TIE SDFJGKHK

his cute lil tongue

that sexy angry expression he gets where he fcking furrows his brows and his eyes get hooded and they his brows crease heavily in the middle and he makes that snarl and his nose crinkles fghdjk

when he laughs and he gets those little creases by his eyes omgfg

how he brushes his teeth when hes nervous

how fidgety he is when he’s been sitting for too long

the way his mouth hangs open when he’s focused and thinking about something

memekook

the way he takes the time to learn english and is constantly asking rapmon if he did it right and practices lots

how on Run!BTS when it was revealed that the spy wouldn’t be able to eat he said “that’s not fair” even though he knew he wasn’t the spy

the way he always sniffles from his rhinitis

how he sleeps with his mouth slightly open

really quiet and sweet vs really loud and goofy

“g2g guys 😂😂😂 lol”

“safety first, safety second, coolness third.”

“we’re all going to end up going to hell anyway”

his love of lamb sewers

his love for army !!! he really does everything in his power to show us he loves and cares about us and gets really emotional when talking about it

how damn strong he is like holy fkcing hell can we talk about how he rolls backwards into a handstand

how he takes the time to cover english songs to help improve his english and give the fans content even though he could be doing something else

how he goes out of his way to be daring and pushes himself

speaking of daring, how fearless he is and how hes really not afraid of many things, like how he has no problem going on roller coasters or bungee jumping n pushes himself to the limits

how when he laughs his eyes and nose do the thing (u know the thing)

his long pretty eye lashes

how dainty his wrists look when he wears thin bracelets

and when he wears rings on his index and pinky fingers

his thin ears with those hoop earrings

H E L I X  P I E R C I N G

that one run performance where suga played piano and he solo danced

his fashion style

his love for overwatch

the Dope police uniform goodbye

the fact that he still managed to graduate with special honour awards despite the busy schedule of being an idol

and how he spent a CRAP TON of money on dinner for his hyungs after

his drawing skill

the lil bruises on his legs :((((

how at the american concert he seen people being pushed in the pit and asked rapmon to tell them to stop and was signalling for them to stop pushing

also idk if any of u have noticed this but he has rly nice nails??? like theyre literally perfectly shaped

his appreciation of IU (my queen)

and his love of justin bieber

running around with the flag tied around him like a cape

Iconic fish as a tie (like he for real just WALKED INTO THE OCEAN AND CAUGHT A BIG ASS FISH WITH HIS BARE HANDS)

how he gets really emotional when talking about/to the fans and starts crying

n the way his nose gets red when he cries

that “i’m not sure about that” head tilt he does sometimes

how when hes trying to perfect something he asks a million questions to make sure hes doing it right

and practices DAY N NIGHT

HIS VOICE IN CLASSROOM IDEAL

THE GLOVES IN CLASSROOM IDEAL

how he bought everyone burgers during flower crew (cries over that show bc i cannot believe how dirty they did m boy)

how he was so visibly upset/embarrassed when they were rude to him like i rly cry

the look he gets of pure concentration when hes monitoring himself behind the scenes of a music video,

the way he says chong jojun balsa 😩😩

his strong ass calves ghjkdfgv

his cover of “if you” during masked man n show little n shy he was :((

goes from cute to s*xy to meme all in 2 seconds

how he pauses in between chews n smacks his lips a lot when he does

and when something is really good n he closes his eyes momentarily and does that headshake

the mama performance where he hung suspended in the air despite having hurt himself doing it but was committed to doing a good show

his skin no matter what condition it is

with makeup

without makeup

flawless

with flaws

tanned

pale

and the little bumps he gets when hes rly stressed out

how hes said that hes really shy and is better at expressing feelings over text

his over the top “boy version” of the russian roulette dance

in fact his over the top everything

his big bulging biceps.............

pretty deep ass collar bones

how he plays with his hair when hes nervous

the way his bottom lip puffs out when hes chewing

and how he nods when hes really enjoying something hes eating

nochu come thru

that performance where he took off his jacket n showed off his big ass biceps and effectively destroyed my whole existence

when he was playing with puppies and was giggling all over the place saying “this isn’t for you it’s mine” when it tried getting his coffee

how he was scouted by 8 different entertainment agencies but picked bighit because he thought rapmon was cool

and how he travelled all the way to Seoul from Busan at 14 and was probably HORRIFIED and scared but did it anyways which is extremely brave

and how hes continued to work hard from that day on

his love for the arts like photography

is always interested in learning new things like the drums and guitar and english

that dramatic ass video he made for yoongi’s birthday which was literally just him self promoting himself and making fun of yoongi lmao

how he used to wait until everyone was asleep to shower because he was shy

and how he would go out in the middle of the night to go eat by himself or wait until people were asleep to eat because, again, he was really shy

his spotify playlist and how its full of just soft, calming, gentle, romantic songs

like he has a damn Pocahontas soundtrack song

how sometimes he just ???? shoves things in his mouth??

like? an entire microphone? or a birthday hat? or an entire piece of paper?

more recently a fan??? like a whole handheld fan??

or the time he covered his whole face in sticky notes

or when he was eating during an interview n was so hungry he literally ate the entire wrapper and didn’t realize

that thing he does with his lips where he sucks them in and licks them a bit and his cheeks crease a bit

the way his knuckles and finger tips are always a little more red than the rest of his fingers

how he rubs his eyes when hes sleepy

his long lashes

the way he looks in a tux/dress shirt/tie

okay how he looks in anything tho lets b real lmao

how hes still nervous to sing on stage

how the other members said it took them SO long to get him to sing in front of them because he was super shy

the way he constantly licks his lips

his long thanks to at the end of the albums where he usually needs 2 pages

how he looks when hes observing himself after filming

switch from cute kookie to rude jeon to memekook within 2 seconds

his sensitivity to smells

his love of victorias secret fragrances

and his love of makeup

not afraid to admit those things!!!

his vast collection of white/black plain tshirts

and his timbs which literally look good with EVERYTHING

all his piercings

how he said he was happy people liked his new piercing and wants more but won’t in fears people won’t like it :(((

speaking of which how he stopped wearing his favourite pants because people said they didnt like them

literally does everything for the fans

how he comforted that fan crying during that fansign :((

put his hands in the fans hands!!!

booping their nose!!!!

so interactive with fans!

that one time he was walking alone and seen a group of guys covering Boy in Luv and stayed and even clapped for them

stopped to take pictures with fans when they asked

that time he fell asleep standing up in the middle of the airport and had to be woken up to keep the line moving

always listening to music !

his playlist is so calming and relaxing and honestly he has some of the best music taste ever

that huge ass cameo backpack he always carries around with him

“the golden closet”

that time he hid in the dark during a music video shooting and was the only one not scared

how he gets rly quiet when he isn’t able to do something the way he wants and is scared of disappointing ppl :((

his meme-y twitter videos

his cute ass toes

like he really has some nice ass feet

listen i hate feet but his feet are so clean n pretty n soft looking

and his little nose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when he said he wants to meet someone and hear bells like in Your Name

his love of anime

and webtoons

JUSTIN SEAGALL i cant even believe him sometimes

how he literally always has bruises on him everywhere ???

when the boys were having a snowball fight and he came out with an arm full of snow n just demolished them lmao

during that one run episode where they were at the arcade playing the racing game and he was driving with one hand on the wheel sdgfhjdkf

AND when he was playing that power/hitting game and he hit it so hard he literally hurt himself but tried to play it off

his bareface!!!!!!!!!!! ik i said it before but like!!!! i love it so much!!!!

how he flips his hair and runs his hands through it

that time during BST where his shirt ripped and came undone and he still danced right through it

then he got rly shy and embarrassed after ghdkfgjh omg

the way he looks in baseball caps

yelling “WOOHOOO” “YAAAAAAAHHHHH” while on a rollercoaster like pls hes so cute

“i’m done”

“OH MAN HOLY SHIT” *cue jin choking*

“Hawt sauce”

that handstand flip thing where he flew forward and his hat came off and he yelled after

screamo/rock music thats all im gnna say abt that

THAT FACE HE MADE GOING DOWN THE WATERSLIDE DFGHKFJ

rolex watch like 😪 this fancy guy

when jimin ignored his high five and he pouted like a big sucky

SPEAKING OF WHICH THAT TIME THAT HE PUT HIS HAND OUT FOR JIN TO PASS HIM SOMETHING AND HE GAVE IT TO NAMJOON INSTEAD AND WAS DENIED SO PUT HIS HAND ON TOP OF IT AND PULLED IT BACK INTO HIM

his special individual relationship with each member

like how tae and him have an unnecessarily long handshake

and how he says he likes hoseok’s bed because it smells nice

when he smacked hoseok’s ass SO hard that it echoed through the room

plus how he says he likes to touch the boys butts backstage when hes nervous (????)

master of girl group dances tbh

“He is a very dangerous guy”

how he holds microphones at the very top sdfgkjd

hes admitted to being hot blooded

his low alcohol tolerance

like im convinced he fcked some shit up and thats why they dont really drink as a group anymore

When he was still in school n someone asked him how his test went and he literally laughed

able to fall asleep everywhere?

when he couldn’t eat donuts n he kept smelling them and groaning

the way he rolls his underwear up in a ball when he washes them

laundry expert

like loves laundry???

husband material tbh

literally breaking his phone all the time

like hes always dropping it and smashing it

yet he still doesn’t wear a case on it

like the time he chased one of the members and it smashed onto the ground after falling out of his pocket and he still didn’t stop because he was dedicated

or the time he was just sitting and it literally fell out the back of the chair lmao

During For You performance where he went to sit down and he MISSED

when he was playing with a balloon during a fansign and he hit himself in the face and his hat fell off

“oh my gawd”

“are you guys having fun” “oh my god x100000 followed by dying seal noises″

how awkward he looked during AHL like he knew it was trash

when he did an aggressive flying kiss and almost took hoseok out in the process

how he said if he isn’t working himself to death he isn’t working hard enough :(

how he doesn’t use fabric softener for whatever reason so his clothes are always a lil stiff

the fact that he got his face scar from fighting over the computer with his brother

lowkey emo w/ his screamo/punk music

the way he pushes his tongue against the inside of his cheek

how he always cleans the bowling ball in between each turn

and the way his posture is so perfect and his leg goes out behind him

how is ears are always a lil red at the top

how he lets the adjuster strap on the back of his baseball caps stick out instead of tucking it into the back of the hat

wants to be a tattoo artist in 10 years???? mmmmm

or own a duck meat shop??

“I’d rather die than live without passion”

“We’re BTS and we’re soooo good!”

the fact that his favourite movies are Your Name and Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

the way he fights bugs

the way he hates bugs except for cool beetles

scared of the microwave blowing up (poor bby omg)

PERFORMANCE KING

like honestly his stage presence?? is unbelievable

his acting (idc what anyone says I think it’s cute)

the fact that he rly.... still laughs at fart jokes lmao

nods when hes talking

the way he makes “hm” sounds n clicks his tongue when hes thinking

how hes nice to people even when they treat him horribly

that thing he does with his hand when hes singing where he kinda sticks out his index n thumb and kinda shakes his hands around to the song and the notes

the way he crossed his fingers as they were announcing the top social artist award

his barefaced selcas

his selcas in general

any picture of him ever

okay just him but thats besides the point

throws his whole body into his laughs

or throws his head back

or nods his head when hes laughing too

that one video where hes pulling jimins hair back and is laughing really hard honestly thats my favourite video every i think but i say that about every video

like he literally fell over thats how hard he was laughing

even his finger nails are beautiful

that one picture during that interview where his hand is hovering over the girls shoulder hdfjgn hes so cute

the way he said “good morning everyone” in that one vlive wow

that photoshoot with the pimp coat shfjkdf

how when hes smiling or laughing really hard he gets a rly toothy grin and his mouth opens a little bit so theres a gap

and how he sucks his lips in and gets those dimples when hes trying to stop laughing or smiling and compose himself

how he looks in all black oooohhh my god

like when he wore the leather jacket n the all black and the jeans with the one rip wow

AIRPORT FASHION

way he covers his nose when he yawns

how when he speaks from his heart his voice gets softer

never misses an opportunity to be extra

like in the gayos or run bts where he’ll be all quiet but as soon as an opportunity comes he jumps on it

Staff member accounts have mentioned him helping clean/carry things for them without them asking

he never complains despite all the expectations on him

always striving to always better himself

when he was playing darts and he kept getting them in the centre and he was doing flips and throwing them behind him lmao

when he was trying to reenact speed skating and did that weird thing on the ice omg

naruto run.......

how he looked in the spine breaker mv (u know the part im talking abt)

how he looks up when hes thinking and his eyes shift slightly

“What’s poppin?”

how sometimes he has a double eyelid and sometimes he doesnt

the way his lips pucker out a bit when hes talking

how he threw that opening pitch at that baseball game

and the shy little smile he gave after

n how he practiced his posture before hand

and HOW HARD HE THREW IT

how in the 4th anniversary video he gripped his coffee with both hands

and took little sips

n shook it around in his hand :’(

how soft he looks when he wears open zip sweaters n a plain tshirt underneath

okay but when he randomly broke out some beat boxing 

how he rubs the back of his neck when hes thinking about what to say or is nervous 

or how he rubs the tops of his legs when hes talking to distract himself

that time taehyung was trying the bottle flip challenge and it took him awhile meanwhile guk comes out n does it in minimal tries

during the muster dvd when he just broke that thing over his head like an animal

when he randomly breaks into dance

that weird squeaky voice he makes when hes imitating jimin

the smug look he gets when he does something RUDE 

or when hes showing off lmao

when he was jamming out with headphones on and then took it off and it was justin bieber n he looked so proud and excited

or that one video he took of himself with the mask on in the car and he was barefaced and the sun was covering half his face and his hair was blowing in the wind so gently fdghjdrtkfg 

when he was imitating taehyung in that fur coat and was being extra as all hell lmao

when he tucks his shirts into his pants ghsjdfgx (i cant remember if I wrote this already)

how he’s helped with the chorus on SO many of their songs

the way his mouth twitches to the side when hes eating and trying to move the food around

the way the bridge of his nose is always a little shinier than the rest of his face

god i really love his nose and how his nostrils flare out a bit

the way he REALLY listens to people when they talk

like really listens he will put his whole body and soul into listening to you

you can physically see it on his face that his expression changes as the person talks showing that hes actively listening

how he nods and makes complete eye contact 

and shifts so that hes facing you 

hes just always paying attention to everything and puts so much energy into the things hes focusing on

how his leg steps in front of him when he pitches in baseball 

because he puts so much force into the throw

how competitive he is

but not enough to be a complete sore loser

and how hes even started not caring about winning as much

and just having fun

how he blinks slowly and puffs his lips out and clenches his jaw a bit when hes sleeping 

or the way his eyes delicately flutter shut when hes fighting how tired he is

how he crosses his arms when hes standing idly 

or crosses his hands in front of him overlapping each other when hes waiting

how patient he is and how he never pushes people for things

and is delicate with peoples feelings

then there was bon voyage oohohhh boy okay

so when he and jhope were snuggling hardcore

same with him and v

so basically hes rly snuggly and loves cuddling its confirmed

and in the morning when he woke up and moved his head and his hair was literally ALL over the place like a peacock lmfaoo

the look on his face when he was told not to pack all white shirts

and then he looked at his closet and realized its all white lol

that jumpsuit :(

how he was good at surfing??? 

like good at everything he puts his mind to

how excited he was when he won being able to eat the entire sandwich and not split it

AND HOW HE SET OFF AN ALARM IN IKEA BY GOING OUT THE EMERGENCY EXIT

how he said his heart felt weird after listening to namjoons message and said he was really sad :’(((

how his voice sounds in that new cover 

and those quiet hums

and how he takes a big breath before words

yet its still so soft

and you can literally picture him closing his eyes while singing

hes the most hardworking guy in the entire world

and even when hes super busy he STILL makes sure we’re satisfied and puts us before anything

i love how his hair colour has stayed the same through a lot of comebacks

because every comeback its still just as cute 

and hes still just as handsome 

the way he intertwines his fingers together sometimes

or puts them behind his back when hes talking (maybe I said this already)

his long breaths after a long practice

his dance covers

how he was shy during that vlive with hoseok and said he wasn’t good at freestyling but he still did his best 

wow 

i just really love every single little thing about him 

hes the most wonderful man on the face of the earth

and I appreciate him to absolutely no end

[vulgar-blue]

I honestly feel like a part of the reason why i’m so disconnected and solitary is my bisexuality and androgynous gender and gender expression. Not those qualities in themselves, but the things I’ve experienced because of them. 

(This turned into a pretty long, perhaps haphazard essay/rant but I’d be very glad if you stuck around to read through it. I’m not sure if I’ve ever talked to anyone, even my friends about all of these experiences in this much detail, so needless to say this will be a quite personal piece, but I would like it if as many people as possible read it. Though I’m talking about my own life, a lot of these things are universal for LGBT people and I think it’s important to talk about our experiences. Please feel free to comment your thoughts)

Ever since puberty began for me and my peers and, at first, mild forms of sexuality as well as a more... obvious form of gender expression became relevant, I felt estranged. At first I thought it was just the fact that I was a bit of a tomboy, and because I couldn’t care less about kissing boys I wondered if maybe, I was asexual. I couldn’t really relate to the girls, so maybe I should try to hang out with the boys instead? Except I didn’t feel like I belonged there either. 

I didn’t care about conventionally feminine things like shopping, makeup, looking pretty and so on. But then I found out that the group of female friends I’ve sort of... loosely connected with and hung out with were talking behind my back about my clothes and the fact that i didn’t pay too much attention to my appearance. And my insecure 13-year-old self took that to heart. So I tried. I went shopping for trendy clothes, light makeup, I started doing my hair, I lost weight so I could have the ideal, somewhat underweight skinny figure. And things were... great. My friends didn’t talk behind my back anymore, all of them wanted to hang out with me, everyone in my class, including the boys, talked to me and joked around with me.

And then I just. Didn’t care anymore. It took so much effort to try to fit into that mold of an average teenage girl because that wasn’t me. So I pulled away from my class and most of my friend group, I focused on my hobbies rather than shopping or looking good, if I did wear makeup or buy new clothes I was going for a more alternative look, because that’s what lined up with my interests and my aesthetic or whatever, I went back to a normal weight. 

But it wasn’t just a case of “oooh im so different from the normal girls, blah blah blah”. A friend introduced me to things like anime, j-rock and cosplay, and I found a world of ambiguous gender expression. Male musicians that looked androgynous or even feminine in makeup and elaborate costumes, female musicians who had an androgynous or even masculine appearance. Crossplay. It was a world I was immediately drawn to. And there was no pressure. No friends talking behind my back, I could’ve just brushed it all off, brushed it off as my best friend’s weird interest. But I couldn’t. Whenever I binded, put on a short-haired wig, and contoured my face to look more masculine, I felt amazing. Whenever my friends said I looked like a dude, it felt like biggest compliment imaginable. I could put on makeup and cool clothes, and be seen as androgynous rather than feminine, and I loved that. I became the outcast of my class, and now only had two friends to hang out with. But now I was much, much happier. I felt like my identity was going in the right direction. I didn’t feel quite so estranged anymore. 

When I was 15, the aspect of puberty I had mostly ignored so far, came crashing down on me. I had played with the thought of dating before, I had asked out one of my friends because I was curious what dating was like, but couldn’t really get close enough to a boy to consider dating. Some aspects of sexuality I had discovered quite a while ago, like masturbation. I had had a few crushes over the years, but either I was too young to make anything of them, or they were just... vague and fleeting, one-week crushes. I got a crush on guy that was doing his civilian service at our school (an alternative to the mandatory military training Finnish men have to take as an 18-20-year-old), but he was way too old and I never got the nerve to talk to him. 

But while I had that crush I was suddenly a bit fearful of girls. I was really nervous in gym class, in the locker room. I tried to change as quickly as I could and not even accidentally glance at anyone. Soon enough I realized I was scared that the girls might think I was a peeping Tom. I felt like a guy who had just walked into the wrong changing room and couldn’t escape. Except I wasn’t a guy. Or was I? At the very least I was starting to realize that when I watched shows like Game of Thrones, The L Word and so on, I found the sexy women... sexy. But I didn’t want to be a lesbian. I didn’t want anyone to think I was a lesbian. I was paranoid. I was a nervous wreck around girls, constantly over-analyzing my actions and words to make sure I didn’t come off as gay. I didn’t get along with boys and was generally avoided at all costs by them, but girls.. they talked to me. They were around me all the time, in gym class and in other classes. I’d sit next to girls if I couldn’t find a pair of desks that were both unoccupied so I could sit alone, because sitting next to a boy would subject me to subtle bullying, disgusted looks, looks that said “just fuck off you weirdo”. At least the girls didn’t bully me face to face, and what I didn’t know, couldn’t hurt me. 

There were a couple of times before I graduated Middle School when my class seemed... aware. They said and did things that on the surface were harmless, but the hidden message was “we know”. One of the popular, pretty girls in my class tried to sit next to me. I was sitting alone and she’d already picked her seat elsewhere in the class, but she came over, asking if she could sit there next to me. I blatantly said no, and she looked taken aback. Was she surprised because the lesbian wasn’t frothing at the mouth to have a pretty girl sit next to her, or was it an act, and she’d go on to laugh with the others “she was so quick to say no, she’s definitely gay”. The most homophobic guy in my class would say something about a pretty girl, or talk about “the gays” and turn to me “isn’t that right, [birth name]?” 

Maybe it was the subtlety, the room for interpretation, the hidden meanings and the context that stemmed from their own conversations, the context that I was unaware of. Maybe that was why I felt even worse, even more anxious than if they were to flat out call me “a dyke” or something. Always being on my toes, fearing when. When is it going to get worse? How long are they going to toy with me before the name calling starts, before I get beat up, before I get harassed? And it didn’t get worse. It went on for a couple months, and then we graduated. And I made sure to go to a High School as far away from my Middle School as possible. And once I started High School, no one from my old class was there. Only a couple people from the same Middle School, people who barely knew me and didn’t give a crap. Yet the fear was conditioned. Is it going to get worse now? Now these people, my new class have three years of time to realize I like girls, to toy with me, for the bullying to get exponentially worse.

At first I tried to make friends. My anxiety was terrible, I was constantly nervous, shaking, sweating, twitching. My face would sometimes flush, and I’d stutter while speaking. Heart hammering in my chest. Awkward face and head twitches that I prayed no one would notice. I was starting to get to know some people from my class. Everyone was very nice. We had fun conversations, we’d help each other with the difficult homework. I got a bit of crush on a guy who was funny and nice, who read a lot and said “in theory” a lot, even when he was talking about a practical application of something. Yet I also kind of liked a couple of the girls, they were pretty and smart, funny, one of them had similar interests as me. Maybe not crushes per say, but perhaps with time, they would turn into crushes. And I was still paranoid. And I was still waiting for them to figure out I liked girls too, for me to lose my new friends, for my whole class, including the guy I had a crush on, to gang up and start bullying me.

So I pulled away. I stopped talking to my classmates, I ate lunch alone, I spent the recesses alone. The first couple months everyone in the class had lessons together, but because in Finnish High Schools the students get to pick their courses - though many are mandatory, you get to pick which fifth of the school year to have that course, on which part of your weekly timetable, as long as the course is being offered by the school in that particular spot - only a small portion of my class would end up on the same lessons as me, and sometimes no one from my class would be there. Sometimes we’d have to sit in groups and inevitably I’d talk to people and get to know quite a few people from different classes, but mostly through teacher mandated discussions, exercises and so on. Outside the classrooms I was entirely alone, only speaking to people if I had to, never revealing too much of myself, especially my sexuality.

And the funny thing was, I went to a liberal Art High School. A big portion of the students were on advanced Art courses. And the people there were open-minded, because at least half of us were the types that had been outcasts in Middle School. There were lesbian couples, trans guys, a trans girl, a non-binary person. There was an event where the whole school was present, panelists talked about minorities, equality and the like, and when it was time to take audience questions, this one guy asked something and casually mentioned that he’s pansexual. And no one gave him shit. No one cared. Oh, you like guys and girls? Ok, cool. What’s your favorite band? Do you like (insert whatever hobby here)? Have you seen this meme? DO YOU LIKE PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA?

I spent three years in as much solitude as possible, I didn’t try to make any friends in school, because of an irrational fear. No one in my school would have cared that I was bisexual. Hell, if I had bothered to talk to more people I could’ve found an entire friend group full of bisexuals and pansexuals. Instead I focused fully on my schoolwork (and my free time interests) and settled for useless crushes on people I never talked to. At one point I had crushes on 4 different boys and probably double that amount of girls, and I’d only had a few conversations with each of them, always in the classroom, always during a group project or a philosophy dialogue or some sort of merry go round the classroom and exchange some answers to a question or little presentations or whatever.

And I think my High School experience was a usual, yet somewhat unusual example of navigating a heteronormative world as a bisexual. I was in a constant state of fight or flight, trying to survive any potential homophobia or even biphobia that could be thrown at me. In some other High School, this would have been the best course of action. Just a couple kilometers away from my school was a Sports High School, notorious for, let’s just say less than intellectually curious or open-minded sporty guys. There my tactic of avoidance would have been advisable. Make friends outside of school if possible, do not engage people in the school. But I spent three years in probably the most open-minded and anti-bullying High School in my city, and already within a couple months I had met a lesbian couple, two trans guys and probably many more lgbt people who didn’t happen to outwardly express or talk about things in those few moments in the classroom that would have hinted at their identity. Three years, and I just. Stayed the same. My anxiety was still too bad during first year, second year I just wanted to focus on school and figured I’m just a lone wolf, and I’m fine not really having friends, and by third year I figured it was too late to make friends now. And then I graduated.

And while my sexuality was the biggest reason for my alienation, my gender and gender expression were still there as well. I presented as female but not overly feminine for my first two years of High School, which somehow added to my paranoia of being seen as a lesbian. I never really felt a connection to either gender, or that core feeling of “i’m definitely a woman” or “i’m definitely a man”. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s hormonal or otherwise biological in part, maybe it’s in part due to my bisexuality, never feeling like I belong with the girls or the guys, even though sexuality doesn’t equal gender and vice versa. Maybe it’s because my mother wasn’t feminine, and my parents didn’t really force feminine gender roles on me growing up. Maybe it’s just how my brain works. With indifference towards “a gender identity” and a need to not be gendered. To appear androgynous. To be masculine when I’ve been as female for too long. To be feminine when I’ve been seen as male for too long.

I identified as agender in my second year of High School, I tried to tell my mom but she didn’t understand, and started using an abnormal amount of gendered (feminine) words about me. And I felt horrible. I hated everything about me that made me look so feminine in the eyes people around me. I hated my boobs, I hated my long hair, I hated my curvy figure. It went on for some time, and I started thinking... maybe I’m a trans guy. Maybe that’s why I hate being seen as female, why I felt like a boy trapped in the girls’ locker room in Middle School. I cut my hair short. I started binding again. I wore masculine clothes. I tried to deepen my voice when talking. I switched my hand bag to a back pack. I started trying to lose weight. I started using the name “Alex” online. I didn’t choose it because it was masculine. I chose it because it’s gender neutral. At first I thought it was because that way I could change my legal name before transitioning. Now I think it’s because of the gender neutrality itself. 

I started getting more involved in the tumblr gazette fandom, making all sorts of shitposts, commenting on posts a lot, being social. And I started making friends again. I didn’t know them in real life, but I still considered them my friends. I’ve always wanted to travel as much as possible, and having friends all over the world means the trips abroad I’m planning on making can also double as visiting my friends. I got into my first relationship with one of my online friends, and though it didn’t work out because of the distance, we’re best friends now. I’ve made many great friends online, and I definitely want to keep being friends with them. They’ve been the first I’ve been able to properly come out to and who have accepted me as who I am, and I’m forever grateful for that. 

My friends online were the first to call me by my chosen name of Alex and refer to me with male pronouns and words. And it meant the world to me. It eased the discomfort of mostly being seen as female by my family, by people at school and so on. Over the past year or so I’ve given my parents hints about my gender identity and my sexuality, but either they haven’t caught on or they won’t make a big deal about it unless I come out to them in some form. Maybe I feel like it doesn’t matter, maybe I’m scared to come out fully to my parents before I’m on my own and don’t need their financial support, don’t need their presence or their love or their acceptance. My parents have some gay friends and generally haven’t expressed homophobic opinions or behavior, but it might be different when it’s their own kid who’s queer.

Being seen as male by my friends and female by others was fine for some time. Strangers on the street would sometimes look confused looking at me, not exactly sure whether I’m a very butch girl or a guy with a curvy figure. I felt like I was starting to teeter more towards people interpreting me as male than female. And suddenly, I started hating the masculine things about myself. I stopped binding. I stopped cutting my hair short. I started doing my makeup again, though almost always just for selfies. For my graduation, I wore a suit. A few days after graduation I went shopping and bought a dress and some feminine accessories. I started feeling the pressure of needing to lose weight even more heavily than before. I look hideous in a dress. I need a slimmer figure. It was a familiar feeling, it was like 7th grade, but different. No one was pressuring me to be feminine. Yet I felt an even more dire need that before to be feminine.

I’m identifying as agender again. I’m not a man, but I’m not really a woman either. My biological characteristics are what they are. Some days I hate my boobs and want a flat chest, some days I think they’re sort of nice. Some days I want to look as feminine as possible, to have long hair again, to wear my makeup especially pretty, to have the figure or the confidence to wear my dresses. Some days I relish looking androgynous, some days I want look like a guy, deepen my voice a bit, wear a confident smirk, hide my boobs, inhabit the space around me in a more assertive way. I don’t have crushes currently, but I see some women and men and I feel attracted to them. I wish for a cute goth gf. I wish for a bf/gf or a non-binary partner who understands me, who inspires me, who challenges me intellectually. Yet part of me says I could never have that, that I’m unattractive and a loser. But part of me says, who knows. Part of me says, hell yeah, you deserve it! If not in a romantic then definitely in a platonic sense. It took me a long time to accept the same-sex part of my attraction but now that I have, I want to just go out and meet cute girls, I want to talk about girls and I’ve filled my playlist with wlw songs, I want to draw cute girls, and just. G I R L S!!

But I still lack the confidence. I’m still nervous, though much less than before. I’m afraid that me and my girlfriend will have to hide behind a platonic illusion in public, or even among some of the people in our life. I’m afraid we’ll get harassed or even assaulted. I’m afraid the same will happen with my non-binary partner when we’re both presenting and reading as very feminine or masculine. Hell, if I lose enough weight, wear baggy clothes, cut my hair short again and contour my already androgynous face to look masculine, some shitblossom on the street might even call me and my boyfriend “faggots”.

It’s so much easier to just stay in my shell, not get close to people, not risk getting crushes or dating. It would be devastating to make friends with people who I have things in common with and who are fun and inspiring to be around, only for them go “haha, yeah, it’s just a phase” “you’re a woman and that’s it, stop with that special snowflake bullshit” “oh so you’re a cheater” when I tell them I’m bisexual and identify as non-binary. I probably won’t come out to my family for a year or two, or maybe I’ll only come out once I change my name, or once I have girlfriend or an afab partner.

I’m an introvert, I’m cynical, I like being alone, I’ve been more of a lone wolf since childhood, preferring to play alone, preferring reading and drawing over sports or other social hobbies, I can be very critical of people and get socially exhausted easily. But I’m also afraid of making connection, making friends, dating, being fully open and honest with my family, because I’m a bisexual in a heteronormative society, because I genuinely do not feel fully female or male in terms of social gender and gender expression in a world that says you’re either a man and male or a woman and female.

And next time that negative part of me tells me I’m going to live my life alone, I’ll realize it’s not because I’m unlovable or a freak. In part, it’s because I’ve been conditioned, like so many other LBGT people, to be constantly on edge, in a near constant state of fight or flight in a society that should be full of other humans, of friends, acquaintances, humanity and solidarity, but appears full of tigers and lions and snakes just waiting for us to make the wrong move and devour us. 

It shouldn’t be the case. Not even the majority of straight cis people are homophobic/transphobic (in most western societies), yet the fear that the minority conditions us to have can so easily become generalized, to the point where we might want to avoid all people as much as possible, to disconnect ourselves from everything. Sometimes the only way to be free of that fear, even occasionally, is to just surround ourselves with people who are also LBGT. But I’d like to see the day when we won’t have to fear any more than the average straight person. I’d like to see the day I could make friends without checking that they’re LBGT first, without fearing the potential discrimination and rejection when I happen to mention my girlfriend in front of a straight friend. I’d like to see the day when I’m not cooped up in my room listening to Hayley Kiyoko with the headphones on so my mom doesn’t hear, wondering how different the past few years could have been if I hadn’t been so damn afraid.