#im trying to think how many months we’ve been together but none of the numbers are adding up :(

[giveme-allofthat-ultraviolence]

Sophiaaaa

I love you the mostestestest ever forever n ever <3 I promiseee

Mari did you know that it’s so hot and that I can’t sleep but I love you the mostestestestest like ever and that you’re so special to me and I think you’re the most wonderful breathing organism I’ve ever studied <3

[mamabearcatfanfics]

Battle Couple

I've had this little idea for a while, and then decided I could bend it slightly to fit this year's @inukag-week's first battle couple prompt. Because not all battles we face have to be huge ones against a deadly foe. Sometimes the battles can simply be standing up for what's right.

Inuyasha dragged the beanie down tighter over his head, stomping towards the exit of the store. He hated this. This is why he bought things online and had them delivered. Because then he could avoid interactions like he’d just had with that racist arsehole. He glanced down at the text from Sesshoumaru again, wondering if there was some other way he could get this gift for Rin. It was the first time his half-brother had thrown a birthday party for his adopted daughter, and no doubt it would be a big deal.

Rin has expressed an interest in this item. Her birthday party is on Saturday at 10am. Do not be late.

And of course the toy Rin had asked for was sold out everywhere online. The tiny dolls with light up dresses and a matching crystal necklace were apparently ‘the’ toy at the moment. She specifically wanted the purple one, the ‘hope’ doll, because it was her favourite colour, and she already had the other dolls in the set. This was the last one she needed. And he hadn’t been able to find it anywhere. He was failing as an Uncle. The last store he’d been to, he’d practically seen a pair of mothers come to blows arguing over the last CrystalShines doll on the shelf.

He was close to the exit of the store when an intriguing scent wafted past his nose. It was another store employee, dressed in the dark polo shirt and black jeans, with one of those ear walkie talkies they all seemed to wear. She was giggling, talking to someone using the button on her mike, her other arm full of a variety of women’s clothing that she was putting back on the racks. Her arms were a blur as she began sorting them into different sizes, working quickly to make each rack neat and tidy.

He watched as she flitted about the store, talking to a customer, smiling and waving at a baby in a pram, folding jumpers and t-shirts. His eyes were drawn to her dark ponytail; the way it swung as she moved was almost hypnotic. Her glossy hair was black, but had a blue sheen to it under the harsh fluorescent lighting, and he had a sudden urge to reach out and touch it, stroke down the length of the swinging tail to see if it was as soft and silken as it looked.

Without even realising it, he followed her, almost bumping into her as she suddenly spun around to go in a different direction.

“Oh! Good evening sir, can I help you with anything?”

There was a pleasant smile on her face, and she was looking at him expectantly. His voice didn’t seem to want to work now he was actually standing close to her, so he turned around his phone, showing her the picture of the doll.

“This is what you’re looking for?”

“Yeah”, he said softly, his eyes focused on hers as she glanced up at him again. He’d never seen anyone with grey eyes before. It seemed they were lit from within like starlight, and now that he was closer to her, she smelt even better. He cleared his throat, trying to get a hold of himself. “My niece wants one of these for her birthday, and I’m having trouble finding one.”

“Okay”, she said, reaching for the button on her headset to talk to the other employees on the shop floor. “Let me just talk to my colleague in the toy department, and I’ll see if we’ve got that item in stock.”

❤

Kagome watched as the man in front of her visibly deflated.

“Don’worry about it then. Already talked to ‘im.”

And then she got it. Ryan was working the toy department tonight. Ryan the racist bigot who didn’t like interacting with any customers who weren’t white, male, good ol’ boys, exactly like him. Usually he worked out the back in the store room, unpacking shipments, but due to the flu going around and the shortage of staff, the evening shift manager had put him on the floor tonight. And he’d no doubt said something innaproppriate to this gorgeous man in front of her, who obviously had some sort of youkai heritage.

She’d had her own run-ins with Ryan. He’d said many cruel things to her over the past six months, since he’d found out what happened a few years ago, cruel enough to make her run to the safety of the women’s toilets to shed a few silent tears in private. He never bullied her in a place where others could overhear, he always cornered her in dark places where there was no one else around. He frightened her. Jak knew she was uncomfortable around him, and did his best to make sure they were never rostered on at the same time, so it had been a while since she’d had to deal with him.

She took in the golden eyes, fangs and the beanie yanked down hard over his long silver hair, but it was the resigned bitter look on his face that caught at her heart. She knew that feeling. Internally Kagome fumed, but outwardly she hoisted her brightest smile onto her face, wanting to make it up to him. She could fix this!

“Wait. I don’t know the toy department that well, but I’m sure I could help. Just give me a moment to put these things down.”

He followed her to a wheeled rack in the aisle where she hung all the clothing in her arms back up, and then turned to him, smiling brightly again.

“Let’s go to the toy department and see if we can’t find this doll for your niece. When’s her birthday?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Oh dear, that doesn’t give you much time to find one!”

“I’ve been lookin’ all week. Online stores have sold out.”

“Well, hopefully we’ll have one in stock. Let’s see, the doll aisle is around here somewhere.”

They walked together down the aisle, both scanning the shelves for the tiny dolls.

“They should be around here”, said Kagome, her finger running along the price labelling on the edge of the shelf, her eyes lighting up as she found the right tag, but sighing in disappointment as she found the shelf empty.

“Yeah”, sighed Inuyasha. “I asked the guy around here if he could find out if there were any more out the back or somethin’ and he, ah…”

“Don’t worry”, said Kagome, a determined look on her face, “I will personally go take a look in the store room for you. Just wait here for me sir.”

“Inuyasha.”

“Huh?”

He coughed a little, his head turning to the side to avoid her direct gaze. “My name, it’s Inuyasha.”

“Oh. Right. Just wait here for me Inuyasha, and I’ll be right back.”

“Thanks Kagome.”

She blinked in confusion as he said her name, wondering how he’d known it, then realised he had read her name tag.

For some reason him saying her name out loud made her stomach swoop, like she was on a roller coaster, even though her feet were firmly planted on the ground. As he gave her a shy smile, she felt her cheeks begin to heat, and she whirled around, making a beeline for the storage room, talking into the mike on her headset as she left.

“Hey Jak, it’s Kagome – just going out to the store room for a moment for a customer. I’ll get right back on those returns as soon as I’m done, okay?”

“Oooh, tell me it’s the hottie with the white hair that I pointed out to you!”

“Jak!”

“Oh it is! Take your time honey!”

“You’re incorrigible, you know that?”

“And you love me for it. Make sure you get his name and number before he goes!”

“Jak!”

“For the customer form darlin’, what else did you think I meant?”

She could hear him still sniggering as she released the talk button on her mike, and she shook her head, grinning despite herself. He was her in-line manager and they got on really well, but rarely got to spend time together, as he was usually rostered on during the day, and her in the evenings so her day was free for lectures and study.

Kagome squeezed her way into the storeroom, scanning the aisles of stock yet to be placed out on the shelves. And then she saw it, the edge of a box with a picture of a tiny doll up on the highest shelf.

Dragging over the step ladder, she placed it under the shelf and climbed up, her petite size meaning she had to stand on the very top to have any chance of reaching the box. She just managed to reach the doll with the tips of her fingers, and nudged it. It tipped forward and fell, and with a gasp she managed to catch it with her outstretched hand, teetering on the top of the ladder, her other arm windmilling frantically to keep her balance.

She took a few deep breaths, trying to calm her frantically beating heart after her almost fall, the box containing the doll clutched tightly against her. But she’d found one for him, a purple one, just like he’d wanted. She had no idea why that made her feel so incredibly happy, but it did.

Grinning widely as she emerged from the storeroom, she began walking directly to the toy department. She could see Inuyasha there, waiting for her. But she could also see Ryan, his arms crossed as he spoke to him, a sneer on his face. She quickened her pace. Previous experience had taught her that expression couldn’t mean anything good.

❤

Inuyasha stood his ground, hands clenched in tight fists by his sides. He had every right to be here – he was a customer, he hadn’t caused any commotion or damage. Kagome had asked him to wait here. But apparently that wasn’t good enough for this guy.

“I told you already, we’ve got none of what your looking for. Nothing for you. Are you deaf, or just stupid?” The volume of his voice wasn’t loud enough to draw anyone’s attention to them, but definitely loud enough to get on Inuyasha’s nerves.

Inuyasha closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his hands shaking slightly as he held back. He would not punch out this idiot – this was a department store, not a battle ground. Even though he deserved it because he was a racist bigoted shit.

“I already told you to leave youkai! Do I have to call security?”

Inuyasha breathed out slowly, trying to keep any trace of anger out of his voice, even though he wanted to let rip. He’d found out the hard way that security tended to not ask questions, just see his youkai traits and assume the worst.

“And I already told you, another employee was taking a look out the back for me. She told me to wait here for her.”

“Yeah, like I’d believe anything one of you would have to say. You’re all the same. What are hidin’ under that hat huh? Some kinda weird freakish thing I’d bet. ”

“Inuyasha!”

Inuyasha turned, his eyes lighting up as Kagome appeared. But she wasn’t wearing the wide smile she had when she left. She was stomping towards them, a box tucked tightly under her arm, the scowl on her face impressive. Thankfully that scowl was not directed at him.

He could smell the nervousness pouring off of her, but you never would have thought it looking at the way she faced off with her work colleague, stepping in front of him like she wanted to shield him from this man's ire with her much smaller body.

“Ryan, I’m handling this customer. And I’ve already found what he needed, so there’s no reason for you to be here. I think you’ve probably said enough.”

There was the barest trace of a tremble in her voice, and Inuyasha moved in closer behind her, wanting her to feel like he was there to support her. He wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, but he didn’t like it.

Ryan rolled his eyes and then sneered at her, his voice low and vicious.

“Ha. Shoulda known it would be you Kagome. Such a helpful little kiss ass. Why don’t you turn that cute little tush of yours around and head back to the ladies department where you belong, unless you’re still that desperate for some demon tail.”

“What?”

Ryan grinned at the shocked expression on Kagome’s face, posturing like he’d somehow scored a point. “Bit ironic really, you working in the ladies department when you’re anything but. A human ain't good enough for Kagome, huh? Wasn’t it bad enough that the last guy you had got fired, now you’re after customers too? You really are a-“

“Don’t. Say. Another. Word.”

Both Kagome and Ryan flinched at the snarled words behind them.

“Kagome, call your manager”, said Inuyasha gruffly. “I wanna report this guy.”

“It’s my word against yours demon, and little Kagome’s not gonna say anything, are you Kagome, because you’re fuckin’ pathetic. There’s nothin’ you can report me for”, snorted Ryan.

“Oh, I don’t know. I’d probably pick being a racist arsehole, for starters”, said another voice cheerfully. "Then maybe we could add workplace harassment."

A tall man in a tailored suit stepped into view, his dark hair slicked back into a short ponytail. He was holding his phone up, obviously still recording the whole thing.

“Here I was, minding my own business in the Lego aisle while I looked for the perfect birthday gift for my little girls, and what should I hear? An employee bad mouthing a customer, when the customer had been nothing but polite and civil. Don’t worry about proof, I’m happy to be a witness. I was recording the whole thing. From the very first racist slur that left your lips.”

Kagome’s eyes were wide as she glanced from the ponytailed man back to Ryan, and Inuyasha could hear her heart beating frantically. He nodded at her approvingly as she took a deep breath, her hand steady on the button on her headset.

“Jak, it’s Kagome”, she said, her voice a little breathless, but firm. “Can you-“

Ryan lunged towards her.

“Don’t you dare, you fuckin’ bitch!”

Inuyasha ducked out from behind Kagome, his fist grabbing the back of Ryan’s shirt and lifting him into the air, Ryan’s legs kicking frantically as he tried to escape. Before Kagome could move out of the way, his steel capped boot caught her on the chin. She dropped like a stone, crumpling to the floor in a heap.

“Fuck, Kagome!”

Inuyasha swung Ryan out of the way and dropped him none too gently, all his focus on the small woman laying prone on the slightly grubby linoleum floor, still out for the count. He could hear a scuffle behind him as the man in the suit and a few other observers struggled to keep Ryan contained, but he no longer cared about him. He knelt down close to her, gently stroking the glossy dark hair back from her face.

“Kagome, can you hear me?”

Inuyasha shook Kagome’s shoulder gently, trying to rouse her, and her eyes fluttered open.

“Inuyasha?” she said groggily, her arm tightening around the box, a wobbly smile on her face. “I got your doll.”

❤

It took a while to sort everything out. An ambulance was called, and the police. The police took statements from Inuyasha, Kagome and the man in the suit, Miroku. Ryan was fired on the spot, and Jak was positively gleeful, despite the mountain of paperwork he’d have to fill out before he went home that evening. When the paramedic suggested that Kagome should go to the hospital to be checked for possible concussion, Inuyasha had immediately said he’d like to go with her, if that was alright with Kagome, and after a few polite remarks about it not being necessary, she’d gratefully accepted. Jak had positively pushed them into the ambulance together, waving them off with a bright smile. It was the most exciting evening shift he’d had in years.

❤

“You don’t have to stay you know. I’ll be fine, I’ll just get an Uber home.”

Inuyasha rolled his eyes, leaning back against the wall, his arm resting on the edge of Kagome's hospital bed.

“For the tenth time woman, I don’t mind. I want to be here when the doctor examines you to make sure you’re okay. And then I wanna make sure you get home safe.” He sighed as he looked at the dark purpling bruise on Kagome’s chin. “I’m just sorry I didn’t throw that fucker down to the end of the aisle when I had the chance.”

“But it’s so late! It’s almost 2am, and you have the party to go to tomorrow. Today I mean.”

“Eh, that’s hours away. She won’t mind if I’m a little late, Rin’s a nice kid. And now I have the perfect present, thanks to you.”

Kagome was quiet for a while. The silence grew to feel uncomfortable, because Inuyasha could sense how tense Kagome suddenly was.

“Inuyasha… I want to explain. About what Ryan said to me.”

“Hmm?” He could smell nervousness again, billowing around her like a cloud, and he didn’t like it. “Doesn’t matter, none of my business.”

“But I want to”, she said, her voice taking on a stubborn edge.

“Fine, I’ll listen. But nothin’ you can say will change my good opinion of you. You stepped up for me back there Kagome, and that don’t happen for me much. I will always remember that.”

Kagome reached out her hand to lightly grasp the clawed one sitting next to her on the bed, and squeezed it.

“Thank you.”

He squeezed back.

“You’re welcome.”

“Anyway”, she sighed. “About what Ryan said. I started working at that department store when I was still in high school, as a weekend job. And there was this training manager, a kitsune. He’d come around every so often, and all the girls thought he was really good looking. He had a little green sports car; a lot of the other girls thought was really important. They all were flirting with him, and then he asked me out. I was so surprised. I mean, me! I’m nothing special! He was so stylish, and so charming. I really thought…” Kagome laughed but it had no humour in it, and Inuyasha squeezed her hand again. She shrugged, her shoulders coming up around her ears as her face turned away from him.

“I was so stupid! It turned out I was right about being nothing special, because he was going out with a couple of girls at every store that he visited.” She flinched a little at Inuyasha’s low growl of disapproval. “There were around ten of us. And because a couple of us were under aged, he was charged. Lost his job. Ryan found out about it a few months ago and thought-“

“Don’t say it”, said Inuyasha gruffly, squeezing her hand again. “Don’t matter what he thought. It’s in the past. And the Kagome I saw tonight was amazing.”

“No I wasn’t!” Kagome shook her head, then winced as her head throbbed, realising that was a bad idea. “I was so scared Inuyasha! I’ve never been able to stand up to him before. But I couldn’t stand the thought of him being mean to you!”

“Then you’re even braver than I thought.” Inuyasha entwined his fingers with hers, and cleared his throat. “Kagome, I know you don’t know me. But I think I’d like to get to know you. Could I call you? Maybe we could go out for coffee or somethin’? I mean you don’t gotta answer, and if you don’t wanna, I totally understand, I mean-“

“Yes.” Kagome giggled at the wide toothy grin on Inuyasha’s face. “Give me your phone and I’ll put my number in.”

“Wait. Maybe you should see what all’a me looks like before you say yes.”

Inuyasha tugged off his beanie, revealing the pointed white dog ears on top of his head. “If you wanna change your mind, I-“

“They’re so cute!” squeaked Kagome. “Please give me your phone!”

❤

Kagome woke up the next morning very late, so late that it was no longer morning at all.

It had been 3am by the time Inuyasha had dropped her home with a bag of painkillers and the Doctor’s instructions for treating her mild concussion. He’d helped her into bed, placed her medicine and a glass of water next to the bed for her, kissed her softly on the cheek and whispered goodnight, closing the door behind him.

She rubbed her cheek gently at the memory of that small kiss, a smile on her face. She still had a headache, so she took two of the tablets, then reached for her phone on the bedside table where it had been charging.

There were two messages.

The birthday girl loves her present! Attached was a picture of a smiling Inuyasha kneeling with his arm around a little girl in a checked orange party dress and sparkly sandals, her dark hair up in pig tails. A wide excited grin split her face, revealing the gap of a missing front tooth. The doll was clutched tightly in her hand, and she was wearing the necklace that came with it.

I told Rin how brave you were, and she wanted you to have some birthday cake. Can I bring some over when you wake up? 🍰

Kagome smiled almost as wide as Rin, despite her headache.

I’d love you to ❤

[shanced-wedding-blog]

Special Update

Hello everyone, this is Mod Sky

Just wanted to address some issues and concerns that have arisen in regards to the zine as of late and to finally clarify what has been going on regarding production of the zine.

First I would like to address a recent comment we received on one of the last updates. While I understand that it has been quite a while since the zine opened pre orders and some of you are reasonably becoming frustrated with the waiting time, cussing us out and using vulgar language to address your issues with us is in no way an acceptable form of proceeding.

That said, I would like to apologize for making you feel like we’re not prioritizing the zine buyers here.

Now, the rest of the mods and myself weren’t planning on making this public at least until the zines had been out to the buyers, but we’ve talked and come to realize that it is probably for the best that everyone knows what’s been going on behind the scenes of this project.

As most of you know, when we started this project there was a call from the head organizer for mods. I don’t know about the other mods, but I personally talked to the head organizer a few times inquiring about the zine, what their ideas for the project were and of their experience with running a zine. They assured me they knew what they were doing and already had a plan laid out for how to get the project done. They told me they had experience modding other zines and I decided to trust them. I applied to help mod the zine because I wanted Shance fandom to have a beautiful zine we all could be proud of, because most of the Shance projects I had been involved in in the past had fallen through the cracks due to mod irresponsibility. I wanted to help bring this project to life and do everything I could to make it succeed. It’s what I’ve been doing from the start.

Well, the mod team was chosen and from the start we were pretty much given a role in the team. My role, when the time came, was to be in charge of finances of the zine, whatever that entailed. The head organizer gave all of us certain responsibilities and we all met in discord to discuss the project.

Now. Im not going to make any excuses for myself as I should have known better, but almost from the moment we started talking about actual specs of the zine and what extra things we wanted to offer, it should've been clear to me that the head organizer wanted to do too much.

They wanted to have 60+ contributors, they wanted to have music done for the zine, they wanted a lot of extra merch to go with bundles etc. At the time this was going on I was in the middle of producing my own personal zine, so I'm ashamed to say I wasn't paying a lot of attention to the planning of this zine, and not gonna lie, this is one of the things that’s ended up coming to bite me and the rest of the mod team in the ass.

Well, in the end head mod came with a plan, they apparently already had suppliers in mind and had been doing research on where to have things made and how much it would cost. We went along with it and contributor applications opened. The process seemed to be going smooth, we selected contributors and at the time I didn't realize just how big of an undertaking it would be to have so many contributors, I had my concerns with certain aspects of the zine but I felt like it wasn’t my place to say anything because it wasn’t my project and my role in the zine was to oversee the money once pre orders opened.

Creation time went by and everyone was involved, contributors did an amazing job coming up with stories and art that basically molded the zine into a cohesive book. As we got closer to opening pre orders and putting together the zine for printing, that's when problems started to show, beginning with the fact that the head organizer became scarcer and scarcer and the rest of the mod team were left grasping at straws trying to answer questions the contributors had that only the head mod could give an answer to. The excuse was that they were having computer problems so they couldn’t check in on things as much. This was the first red flag and we should’ve paid more attention, but we didn’t. We continued to move on and soon it was time for preorders to open.

Yaxi, the head organizer, opened pre orders prior to us having the zine even 1% put together. They made up some stretch goals trying to fit in as much as the extra merch they had people design for the zine as possible and added the contributor merch as an extra that zine contributors could choose to buy. The contributor charm was not going to be made from money from the zine sales. It was simply an extra design up to the contributors to make happen if they wanted it.

After the pre order period ended and having reached 100 sales, it was time to come up with a budget and proceed with production. Well… this was when pretty much everything went downhill. Yaxi came into the mod chat one day and pretty much dumped the production on me. They sent me some numbers and a list of providers they had come up with and said that they needed me to place the orders for the merch, of which there were no files ready. We had raw files for products but nothing has been checked to make sure the specs for printing were correct. As I was coming up with a production cost table I realized that there were many things Yaxi hadn’t taking into consideration when they first made their plan for the zine. They never took into consideration shipping prices, packaging costs, contributor copies shipping fees, and to make matters worse, they didn't take into consideration the amount of money it would take for certain items to be shipped from their production place to two separate destinations, because somewhere along the way Yaxi had decided that in order to offer cheaper international shipping, we would have all the international orders sent to Mod Robin in Europe so they could then redistribute because that would make shipping internationally cheaper.

I mean, i guess in theory that sounded like solid logic, but in practice.. I suppose they never stopped to think that there would still be an added cost of sending all those packages from the US to Europe, so there’s that.

Anyway I did my best to look for new manufactures because the ones Yaxi had on their list could not deliver what we needed, not to mention the fact that the specs Yaxi had given artists of the zine for their pieces were not a standard printing zine. So not only did we have to look for new printing companies, but we had to ask all our artist to adjust their pieces to fit the new dimensions of the zine. Added to that, at this point in time, communication with Yaxi had pretty much become impossible as they were never on the discord server and the only communication we had with them was via text messages from me to them since I had gotten her phone number at some point to meet up so I could deliver to them the special print I had made out of my own money for the zine. We ended up never meeting up.

So with all that going on, we still had not made much progress putting the zine together until Seki (one of our contributors) offered to help with it. We brough Seki along into the team and they worked several days on getting the zine print ready, and also making a digital zine that could be delivered the way Yaxi had originally wanted it to, that is with the music that was created for the zine incorporated into it.

While this was happening, the rest of the mod team and myself got together in a separate group chat to talk about what was to be done about Yaxi, their lack of participation, and the fact that they were the only ones that had access to the money for the zine and to the store front. We decided to ask Yaxi to hand over the money so we could move on with production and just go from there. Thankfully Yaxi was quick to give us access to the funds, they transferred most of the money to me, (we have yet to receive about 200.00USD), and basically the rest most of you already know. We’ve been slowly working on getting all the merch produced and ready to send to everyone, but there have been a few hiccups on the way.

We’re still not sure that we’re not going to have to put even more of our own money into the zine as we’re still pretty much figuring out what we’re going to do about shipping since not only are we sending contributor copies free of charge, but also sending all international orders to Europe first to be distributed from there.

It has never been our intention to keep any of you in the dark about any of this, but we wanted to first get the project completed before making any of this public. None of us in the mod team wanted for you to have to wait so long, unfortunately none of us were any wiser in realizing just how unprepared and irresponsible the main organizer really was. We are to blame for not seeing the red flags sooner and dealing with the issues before they became a problem. I especially would like to apologize because I should’ve known better. But what’s done is done and the only thing I can say besides how sorry I am that you, our buyers and supporters, have had to wait so long for this zine, is that myself and the rest of the mod team are doing everything we can to get this zine to your hands without any further mishaps.

I understand if you're frustrated with us, I understand because I’ve been frustrated and stressed over this whole thing for months as well.

None of us are getting paid for this, none of us are receiving any compensation out of trying to run and complete this project. In fact, we’re still most likely gonna have to put money down out of our own pockets due to the irresponsibility of the person who was supposed to be in charge of this project. But we love this project, we love our contributors and what everyone has managed to accomplish, and you can be certain that we are 100% committed to seeing this project to a successful end.

Once again, I am sorry for not seeing the problems sooner and for not stepping forward before to let all of you know what was happening. I hope this clarifies what’s been going on for you and I hope that you can give us the chance to set things straight and deliver the project to you.

If you have any more questions, or need more clarification regarding the zine, my DMs on twitter are always open (@enderkichi) so feel free to reach out to me.

Production of the zine is still ongoing but we’re almost at completion. We should be releasing a change of address form pretty soon for those who need to change their shipping address. Refunds are also an option if you no longer want to support the project, but we ask that you please let us know if you want to be refunded via email to the zine account: shancedwedding@gmail.com and provide us with your name, email, and order # so we can process your refund.

Thank you again for the endless patience you’ve had with us so far and for being understanding of our circumstances. We will keep you all updated as we finalize production and get ready to start packing and shipping orders.

Mod Sky

[sleepyfan-blog]

aa,,, yes, im a sucker for isward ngl and uh- could I request some isward angst-? (but if you wanna do fluff then thats cool too) im just,, hh ily writing so much,, :>>

Fandom: IBVS by @onebizarrekai

Characters and pairing: Isaac Beamer, Edward Quinton, Drew Jovel, Nevin Jovel, Barry Price, Xavier Jackson, Christopher Jackson, Charlie Jackson, Isward

Warnings: major character death, Blood, angst

Word count: 2,566

Summary: Can the Supernatural Investigation Club figure out what’s been making people disappear?

“Ten people have gone missing in three days. Why has no one but the five of us noticed this?” Isaac muttered under his breath, his eyes narrowing as he stares at the cafeteria, his arms folded over his chest “And that’s just this week. Another twenty have gone missing in the past month.”

“I-I don’t know.” Drew stuttered, pressing a little bit closer to his twin brother and shivering a little, his golden-brown eyes flickering over the rest of the student body “I… A new student transferred to our homeroom a week before the disappearances started.” He’d been pulled into the supernatural club - despite Nevin’s initial protest - due to the other’s healing ability… And the fact that the four of them were kind of terrible at keeping secrets. Well, Edward and Isaac were. Nevin and Barry were better at keeping secrets, though practice.

“But they’re never called on in class. Like - their name is called on for roll call and that’s it.” Nevin rumbled, scooting a bit closer to his brother, trying to shove the clawing paranoia down. “Neither of us can remember their name, even moments after it’s spoken.”

“Hmm… That’s… Really weird. Barry, have you heard any chatter from your contacts who like trying to summon eldritch bullshit that they’ve been up to their shenanigans again?” Edward asked, glancing at his childhood friend, shifting a little and wishing that they were meeting in his secret hideout - but the cafeteria was centrally located and all of them had separate classes after this.

Barry shook his head a little “If they have, no one’s told me about it… I’ll ask a couple of them but… Three of them have gone missing, and their friends don’t seem to remember the people who vanish. It’s like… It’s like when they disappear, they’re erased completely.” Just then, all five of their cellphones went off at the same time.

The five teens blinked and pulled out their phone. The number was 6̥͈͕͓͍͘1̵3͚͍̺͕̼͕̱-̙̞̘͖̦6̡̮̳̥̳4̹̱̘͉9̢̹-̡6͙͍̭̯́4̛̖̱̰̤̦̭4̵̳̹3 to all of them, and it read [Qrngu vf bayl gur ortvaavat. Rira gubhtu guvf vf whfg bar tnzr bs znal. Znlor lbh pna fgbc zr, yvggyr urebrf orsber v jva? Be jvyy lbh snygre naq or qribherq? Abj gur tnzr unf gehyl ortha.]

“Hoookay, so who just sent us a bunch of random bullshit? My phone’s glitching out a little.” Edward grumbled “Did you guys get the same string of nonsense?”

“It’s not nonsense.” Drew murmured quickly, glancing around the room, biting his lower lip and quickly wrote something quickly and shoved it at his brother, before pulling out another sheet and starting to write something down on it, pausing after he was done, shaking a little. The others leaned over and…

Nevin swore quietly under his breath and muttered “We need someplace private to talk. Right now.” It was written in cursive… And Spanish, which none of them could read that well. “Delete the message from your phones. At best someone’s fucking with us.”

Edward nodded “I’ll take you to one of the hidden rooms in the school.” He frowned a little, but quickly took the others into his main lair. He turned and demanded to both of the sophmores “Alright, spill.”

“The message was sent to us in ROT-13. I decoded the message and wrote it in Spanish, to decrease the chances of… Whoever sent it to us reading it over my shoulder.” Drew explained, shifting uncomfortably. “It says: Death is only the beginning. Even though this is just one game of many. Maybe you can stop me, little heroes before i win? Or will you falter and be devoured? Now the game has truly begun. … Also only the first letters of each sentence are capitalized - none of the rest of the letters are - including the single I with i win… Which spell out DEMON when put it together.”

“That’s… Kind of fucked up and weird? But that’s not exactly a reason to get all riled out. It could just be someone trying to fuck with us… Although our phones all glitching out at the same time is weird.” Edward responded, shaking his head a little. They needed to focus on the missing people problem - this possibly prank text was something that could be dealt with later.

~

“Nevin… We forgot someone.” Drew murmured, voice suddenly full of fear, his eyes widening in shock.

“I.. Oh fuck. Chris! I haven’t seen him at all today… Have you?” Nevin hissed, his eyes widening. How could they have possibly forgotten him?

“No, I haven’t… He lives two houses down from us… We should go check up on him while we’re on our way home from school.”

“You’re right - hang on. I’ll text Barry and tell him where we’re going. we’re supposed to meet with him, Isaac and the King of Morons to figure out what sort of creature we might be dealing with. I just wish that they’d take your warning about the text more seriously.” Nevin sighed, shaking his head a little.

They arrived at C̷̯̤͖͈͍̮r̼̖̣̮͓̗͢ó̬̬̖͔̲̮̝s͈̯̮͠ͅṣ̫͝ͅͅ'̳̬s̳̝̳̯͝ home, knocking on the door. A tall stranger answered it, his eyes glowing violet. “We’ve been expecting you.” His voice echoed strangely, and both of the g͞u̴̯͓̣̖a̶r̖̯͓͕̻d͈͈̀i̷͙a̦̘͍n̙͈̩̣͙̹͖ twins immediately fell unconscious.

~

Edward and Isaac were trying to look up what sort of supernatural creatures who could make you forget their name when it was spoken by someone else. More people had gone missing. Edward stared at a picture of himself and someone who Isaac didn’t recognize, frowning a little “Hey… Ed, what’s wrong?” He leaned against his boyfriend, pressing a light kiss to the other’s cheeks.

“I… I don’t know. I have pictures of this guy - like I’ve known him since I was Geno’s age, at least. But I don’t… I don’t remember him. But he’s important to me… Does that make sense?” Edward answered, confused.

Isaac was about to respond when their phones chimed at the same time, the number was one they didn’t recognize and couldn’t see, their phones glitching so badly. [I HAVE THE LOREKEEPER, THE LIGHT, THE SWORDSMAN, AND THE SHADOW. CAN YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT’S WRONG, PROTAGONISTS? THE OTHER HEROES ARE SUPPLEMENTAL, BUT PERHAPS THE MAIN TWO WILL BE ABLE TO SAVE THEIR PARTY, AND WIN THE DAY.]

“That’s… Fucked up and weird. It’s always just been the two of u-” Edward started, blinking twice as he clutched his head, cursing under his breath as memories suddenly burst forth into his head with the fury of a sledgehammer. Not all of these memories were pleasant.

Isaac stilled, groaning quietly “I… Oh no. They can make us forget our own friends… The… They’ve got…”

“Shit. They’ve got the others. At least I was able to convince my folks to send Geno over to Reuben’s place… Both of the kiddos have powers, and I really fucking hope that Reuben lives far enough away to be out of this bullshit. No matter what the type of demon - which D̯̮̲̘̰̀r͖͙͇̼͕̼e͔̹̙̮a̹̫̖͎ͅm is probably right salt, a religious icon of your choice, and holy water will work to subdue it from everything I’ve read.” Edward growled, a determined expression appearing on his face.

“Which is all well and fine… Except that I don’t believe in any sort of organized religion - the only one of us who might have is Drew, who’s been captured. I’m pretty sure that sort of iconography requires some sort of genuine belief that it will work in order to work.” Isaac murmured, a concerned frown appearing on his face as he crossed his arms. What did he think could stop a demon?

“… Well, fuck. You’re right about that. Salt and holy water it is… Along with my strings to bind the demon in place so we can tell it to fuck off this mortal plane.” Error responded, a determined expression appearing on his face “… And yes, I’m looking up on my phone how to get holy water.”

~

One quick trip to the local church supply store - which apparently existed, not that they had known that until a quick look up on their phone - they had as much holy water and Purified Salt as they could carry - having managed to somehow sweet talk the store owner into giving them most of it for about ten bucks, the rest was given freely. Not wanting to question their bit of good luck, the pair of them sat down on one of the benches in the park. “Okay… So, we’ve got the stuff… How do we find and fight the demon?” Isaac reflected, a small frown appearing on his face - the sun was just beginning to set, and a sense of urgency was pushing at him. Something awful had happened - and worse was going to continue if they didn’t stop this as soon as possible.

“I… I don’t know. Do you know where C̷̯̤͖͈͍̮r̼̖̣̮͓̗͢ó̬̬̖͔̲̮̝s͈̯̮͠ͅṣ̫͝ͅͅ'̳̬s̳̝̳̯͝ or D͍̞r̘͇̖̭͍͖e̘͓͢a̮̳̮̪̕ͅm̨̖͓͚̩̲ ̴̝͙̘̹̙̣a̱̠n̯͓̘̯̮ͅd̴ ̫̞̰̜̞̕ͅǸ̮i̫̮͘g̮͈̱̫̕h̖̼ṭ̱͍̩̻͟m̲̤a̤̣͙͍̹̣r̯̬̞͓̪̀e̵̲̗̻̞̺̘ͅ live? That might be a good place to start. We already checked Bl͕͇̘̪͕u̹̭͎̯͎e̶̫̦͉̜'͓̭͍͖͘s home and no one lives there right now. It’s like it’s been completely abandoned for years.” Edward asked, shifting a little and trying to keep calm. He was feeling distinctly restless. Were they missing something?

“I… I think I’ve been to Chris’s place before…” Isaac answered with a frown, leaning into his boyfriend, grateful for the other’s steadying warmth. Both of the teens stood up, with Edward following close behind his boyfriend as the other led him to a nondescript looking house.

Edward hesitated for a moment before opening the front door open a crack and taking a peek inside. He cursed quietly and shut it. “So, there are strange, purple symbols glowing everywhere in the inside of that house. It’s really fucked up and spooky looking. Also I’m pretty sure I saw blood splatter and long gouges in some of the walls. But we’ve got friends to save. You ready for this, Isaac?”

Ink nodded, a determined expression appearing on his face “Yes. Let’s kick demon ass. It’s not like we haven’t done that before.” With that the two of them entered the house. Isaac stopped dead as he stared at the symbols - which weren’t in Latin or Greek - or any other ancient, unspeakable tongue. “Great. We’re dealing with some sort of New Demon - or one with a fucked up sense of humor.” he muttered quietly to his boyfriend, rolling his eyes a little. If it weren’t for the weird forgetting his friends thing, he’d have thought this was an elaborate - if kind of shitty - prank.

“Why?” Edward asked, staring nervously at the symbols before keeping his eyes firmly fixed ahead - he didn’t want to lose his sanity by having eldritch symbols burned into his brain or something equally awful “We gotta keep moving, Isaac.”

“Because, the.. The symbols. It’s wingdings. Like the crazy font?” Ink mumbled, frowning a little. Something pressed at the back of his mind. Something very important about the font - why it was much more ominous than it should be, as a joke font.

“Okay, I agree. That’s weird. Maybe the demon we’re dealing with is trying to confuse us to death.” Edward started. He looked like he was about to say more, but was cut off when a blood-curdling scream shattered the tense silence. Both teens sprinted to the door - Edward using a couple of strings to yank the door off of it’s hinges. The stairs leading down to the basement (of course it was a fucking basement) were bathed in more ominous purple light as they ran as quickly as they dared down the tight, rickety steps.

Barry, Drew, and Nevin were tied to the wall, with Chris in the middle of the basement, his hands and feet pinned to the floor with silver daggers, blood still dripping from the wounds. There was some sort of symbol painted beneath him - but neither Isaac nor Edward were focusing enough on that to really tell what it was. Nevin was the only one of the four of them conscious, and a strange, black substance was dripping down his face as he continued to struggle against his bonds, his eyes glowing a furious cyan “LET US GO, YOU MISERABLE OLD FUCK! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO GAIN, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO FUCKING TORTURE US LIKE THIS!”

“On the contrary, I have every right to do so, Ǹ̮i̫̮͘g̮͈̱̫̕h̖̼ṭ̱͍̩̻͟m̲̤a̤̣͙͍̹̣r̯̬̞͓̪̀e̵̲̗̻̞̺̘ͅ. Besides, it’s not as if you have any room to talk, considering…” A tall, stern looking man called out, a dark smirk on his face as he stalked towards the both of them “And you two have arrived, right on schedule. I was wondering if the two of you were going to be late - or try to flee. But I see that allowing  you all to form positive social bonds has made catching you so much easier. Come forth and help me, C͏̪̫̫͙h̻̜̪̻̗͙͠a̷̠r̡̻̠̤a̵̼͙̳̤.”

A small, pale spirit rises up from C̛̖̳r̞̙͙͔͍͍o͈̮̳̼̪̠͉s̪̟͓̦͉̻̯s'̮̟̜͔̱́ś̪͍̠ body. It turns to face them, their eyes a bright, glowing red, a strange black substance - not unlike what currently is pouring from Nevin’s back and face - and it hisses “I̪̬̰͎͚̯̼ h̷̯̣͔̼̣ͅͅa̜̥̞̳̣͝t̘̼̥͖̗̬͓e̴͚̰ ̗͍̤͚͟y̳o̦̗̫̣͘ͅu̻̥̹͘ ̺̹̗̝̮ś̜͓̯ó̬̝̻̠͈ m͈͙̙̟͡u͔͚͈̱c̥͍͙͚h̟̣̠͖͍̦,̸̲̘ ͉͇̺̥̘̀G̪͇͔̦̟͔a͍s̷̖̱t̙̦̞̺͖ͅe̼͇̱͇̟͖r̪͓͘!ͅ ̝́I̤̜͇͡ w̙͟i̙l͟l̨͔̝̦̳ ͍̠̱̭͍̟k͖̦̗̺̼̪i̳̻l͓͎͇̫̺̳l̻̜͉ ͍̬̞̯͖̣y͖̜̯͘ou̜!̦͉͍̟"̯̟̩͠ screeching angrily at the man who had called it forth from their friend.

“I don’t care that you hate me, Demon. You are bound to my will, and I command you to kill E̥̞̖̥͔̟̙r̸̹̪͇̫r̬̟̗o͏̼̼̲̣̗̝ŕ̹̮̙̹ ̯̥͢a̮͙͓̙n̳͝d̰͔̱ ͙̺̬I͔̟̗͉n̻̠̜̭̞̩̮k̨̦̞, bringing me their souls. After that take Blue’s soul and then the emotive guardians’ together, as can only be done for them. Cross will be last to be harvested, and then we can begin this experiment anew.” The man ordered, smirking a little as the demon howled in rage, but threw itself at the both of them nonetheless.

Exactly none of the holy water or salt did jack shit to the demon - and as Ink desperately used what little paint he had brought with him to fend off the attacks from the angry spirit that kept throwing itself at him with a relentless determination. He dodged, swiped at them, rolled to avoid another swipe of their knife. “Ed! Do you have Nevin down yet?”

“I’m trying. These cuffs are resisting my strings! I-” Error choked and collapsed, clutching at his chest, his eyes returning to their normal color, before starting to dull. The strange man was standing directly behind him, another glittering, silver knife in his hands, this one stained with bright, fresh blood.

“Edward!” Ink screamed as he raced over to his boyfriend, kneeling down as he desperately tried to shake the other “No… No no no. You… You have to stay with me… P-please you can’t… Y-You can’t die on me now…”

Error coughed wetly, a weak smile on his face “Hey… ‘s okay… We fought him hard… Jus… Just go… I think he has to kill us all or it won’t work… R-Run… Love… F-For me?”

“No! I won’t leave you…Leave our friends to die! I… I’ll-” Ink’s eyes had a manic gleam as he used his paint as a barrier to block both the man and the tiny DEMON’s attacks “I’ll kill them both, and find a way to save everyone. I-I will!”

The man chuckled as he raised something in his hands “So predictable.” something clicked in the man’s hands, and Isaac’s world went dark, Edward’s weak “Noo!” and Nevin’s loud cursing the last thing he heard as the shadows stole his sight, his body limp and numb.

[emmyfignewton]

Don’t Ask Why - Peter Parker

Warnings: angst? Idk im not really sure if this counts as angst? And language

Summary: You’ve been in love with your best friend Peter Parker for years and finally your relationship had begun to blossom, but after months of random disappearances with no excuse and constant empty promises you felt yourself breaking down. You decided that leaving would be easier than having Peter break your heart piece by piece, day by day. (This is based off the song “Don’t Ask Why” by Vanessa Hudgens so i recommend listening to it as you read lol) *Bold and italics are lyrics, just italics are flashbacks.

I remember the day I first met you

You really caught my attention

Didn't know I was looking for a rescue

I wasn't thinking that hard

Now and then I was there in the moment

I was ready for nothing

It doesn't mean that I really didn't love you

While I'm breaking your heart

As you made your way to the apartment complex you had become so familiar with you felt a sense of dread filling your gut. You knew you had to do this, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t going to hurt like a bitch. As you walked you let your mind wander to the first time you met Peter.

It was the very first day of middle school and you were the new kid, so it was safe to say that you were extremely nervous. You quickly made your way to your locker to drop off the pile of school supplies that was currently about to break both of your arms. You finally reached locker 324 but you were soon to realize that it was the top locker which was very much out of your reach. You let out a puff of frustration setting down all of your books to attempt opening this stupid thing. But of course, the lock was just barely above where your fingertips were able to reach. You were a very determined person, however, so you quickly stepped upon the pile of books, spirals, and binders you brought along. Just as you started to put in your combination you felt a small tap on your shoulder.

“U-um sorry to bother you but you’re blocking my locker.” You turned around to meet the eyes of your future best friend who was pointing at the locker directly below you. The young boy standing in front of you wasn’t that tall sure, but definitely tall enough to reach the stupid top locker without a problem, but no, of course, he got the bottom one.

“Well you see since they gave me the top locker that I can’t even reach, I’m going to have to be in your way for a few more minutes.” You huffed in the nerdy looking boys face.

“I-I um I could help you if you want?” He seemed to be questioning what he was saying but rolled with it anyway.

You shrugged your shoulders, “Okay, you can help, but only if you tell me your name first.”

“Um, Peter, Peter Parker.”

“Well Peter, Peter Parker, I’m Y/N, Y/N Y/L/N.” You stuck you small hand out for a handshake which he hesitantly accepted. You watched as he easily reached up and started to enter in the locker combination that was printed on the schedule you handed him.

“Oh and Peter?”

“Hm?”

“Unless you want to be late for class everytime we have to stop by our lockers I suggest we make this an everyday thing.”

“Oh um okay?” He figured that even by agreeing to what you said he would open your locker for the first few days and slowly but surely you would handle it yourself and never speak to him again, but oh was he dead wrong, for Peter had caught the attention of your 11-year-old self.

It seemed like in only a blink of an eye you and Peter were best friends, always talking whenever you could, eating lunch together and of course the daily catch-ups next to your lockers as Peter undid yours, eventually memorizing which books you needed and when so you wouldn’t have to struggle with pulling them out of the sky-high locker yourself. Especially not after the one day you bit off more than you could chew grabbing one too many notebooks causing them to crash down onto you, leading to a fuming Y/N and a young Peter trying to stifle his laughter while also trying to pick up all of the papers that fell out and now scattered the middle school’s hallway.  

You chuckled to yourself at the memory. Who would’ve thought that you would grow up to fall in love with your best friend, well you did. From the first day you started into his brown puppy dog eyes as his soft curls fell down his face you knew that an epic crush was brewing.

Your eleven-year-old self would’ve been jumping for joy over the idea of you and Peter actually being together, but now you couldn’t bear the feeling of unwantedness your boyfriend was feeding you every day. It started as a few rain checks here and there and sometimes he would ignore your messages but you understood that not everyone could be as attentive as you’d like and maybe your friends had just fed you false information on how boyfriends worked. But it didn’t stop, instead, it got worse, to the point where you stopped texting him all together knowing that you’d never get a reply but rather waiting for him to do his once a week ten-minute phone call to “catch up.”

You two stopped hanging out as much, despite your constant attempts, there would always be a last minute excuse as to why you two had to cancel. But still, you stayed because a little bit of Peter’s love was better than nothing, right? You still saw him at school every day and you kept all your normal rituals, most of the time joined by your guys’ friend Ned. You knew you could handle that, just a little bit of him because maybe he was just busy and soon it would all blow over and you’d get your Peter back. But that never happened despite how many times you prayed it would. Instead your once a week calls turned into none and Peter stopped caring to even cancel instead letting you reach his door only to be greeted with the apologetic eyes of May as she told you time and time again that you just barely missed him.

It seemed like you weren’t even a part of his life anymore, however you still stayed, feeling like a mere memory in his mind rather than his girl or even his best friend. But finally, you snapped. You didn’t think it would happen you had already been broken a hundred times over with his empty promises and forced apologies that because too repetitive for your liking, but you did.

You walked into the lunchroom ready to finally be with your friends, Peter had been once again dodging you knowing that’d you be furious after he missed your date over the weekend, you had already sent him probably twenty messages about how upset and embarrassed you were having to sit and wait in a restaurant while your so-called boyfriend refused to even show.  

Sure you were pissed, but that had already happened too many times to count so you moved on just wanting to see his face and run your fingers through his chocolate curls for the first time in what felt like forever.

Instead, the moment you sat your lunch tray down you were met with the backs of Ned and Peter.

“Uh hello? Guys?” You tried to get their attention, but they seemed too busy whispering to each other to even notice you. Ned quickly spun around to face you with Peter slowly trailing behind.

“Oh hey, Y/N we just uh-”

“Nothing. We weren’t doing anything.” Peter cut Ned off sharply while shooting him a glare as if to say “Please shut up before you spill the beans.”

“I didn’t ask…” you trailed off, extremely confused as to why they were so defensive over whatever conversation they were just having.

“Um Peter, do you think I could talk to you? Alone?” You asked softly.

“Actually Ned and I have to go uh go do something, right Ned?” Peter nudged Ned to quickly gain the boy’s attention.

“Huh-uh sure yeah what Peter said,” he spoke hastily while getting up along with Peter who was already starting his journey out of the lunchroom, leaving you in a pile of confusion, anger, and defeat.

Peter ended up ignoring you for the rest of the week causing you to finally make up your damn mind and end this now before he took every piece of you.  

That led you here, staring at the numbers nailed to the all too familiar apartment door. Your small fist knocked lightly on the wood, you expected May to answer and for her to tell you once more that Peter wasn’t home forcing you to leave and stopping you from making this decision. Instead, you were met with a pair of puzzled brown eyes.

“H-hey Y/N, I didn’t know we had plans tonight…” Peter murmured his voice laced with confusion as he let you inside the apartment.

“We didn’t, but since you tend to cancel on our plans I decided to show up on the off chance you’d actually be here for once.” You didn’t want to be so rude so quick but you felt every bit of anger and disappointment you’ve felt over the past few months boiling to the surface ready to spill out.

“Yeah about that...you know I’m really sorry I’ve just been busy with-”

“With what Peter? What could possibly keep you so busy that you don’t even speak to your girlfriend anymore.”

“Well you know school and uh…”

“School? Really? Because when we were just best friends school didn’t seem to keep you this busy. C’mon Peter I need something better than school.”

“I can’t say.” he murmured.

“Bullshit. That’s utter bullshit, I’m your best friend you can tell me anything and you know it.”

“Just trust me Y/N, I can’t tell you this, I-I just can’t.” He looked at you with desperation in his eyes, just wishing you would drop it.

“Trust you? How can I trust you when it seems like I barely even know you these days.” Your voice started cracking as the words spilled out of your lips and you could feel tears starting to well up in your eyes.

“Peter, you haven’t had a real conversation with me in two weeks, you’ve canceled on every date or just decided not to show up, and I can’t even remember the last time you answered one of my calls.”

“I’m sorry Y/N...I-I didn’t think you would notice.”

“We’ve been best friends since we were eleven years old, I thought I knew you like the back of my hand. Before this whole you and me dating thing started, we talked every single day, telling each other every single detail about our lives. I knew everything about you and you think I wouldn’t notice that you completely shut me out? Do you really think that I haven’t noticed you don’t want me anymore?” Tears rolled down your flustered cheeks. Your voice broke a million times as you finally got out what you’ve been thinking for far too long. Peter looked at you shocked at the words falling from your lips. He tried to form sentences but nothing was coming out.

Don't ask why

Before we get too close

Just let me say goodbye

It's easier this way

Don't ask why

Before you ask the question

And I die inside

Just let me walk away

“Peter, I-I can’t do this anymore…”

“Wait what? No no no no no please Y/N please d-don’t do this.” His words were rushed and frantic as he reached toward you trying to hold the pieces of your relationship together, but he was too late, they had already ripped apart.

“I have to do this.” You spoke as you took a wary step away from him, giving him the signal not to touch you. You were afraid if he held you tight and whispered too many sweet nothings into your ear, you’d fall right back in love with him and never leave again despite how much being with him torn you apart.

“Why? Tell me Y/N why the hell do you have to do this?” His voice was fading from broken and hurt to angry and desperate, desperate to know what was making you do this to him.

“Don’t ask me that.” You whispered. Him asking only made you feel even worse inside.

“Why not? C’mon if you're going to break my heart at least tell me why you have to do it.”

“Break your heart? Seriously, Peter, you’re the one who's been ignoring me ever since we started dating, showing that you don’t love me, not like I loved you. You made me feel unwanted, like no matter how hard I tried this relationship would never work.” You were mad, furious even, how could he be such an asshole? How could he say that you were breaking his heart when he had only been tearing you down for months.

A few moments of silence past as you both stared down out the carpet covering the walkway into his apartment, suddenly finding it the most interesting thing in the world.

“Loved?” He finally spoke up. Your use of past tense struck the most painful nerve in his heart, knowing that you no longer felt the way you used to.  

“Loved.” You confirmed with a slight nod and shaky breath. His eyes were staring into yours, his normally warm and happy brown orbs were only showing pain and despair.

“Please Peter, just let me walk away...” All you wanted was to leave, to finish this and get out there.

“So it’s over? Everything is just over?” He asked while moving in front of you as you tried to worm your way out of the apartment.

“Yeah, yeah I guess it is.”

He stood there stunned at what you just confirmed.

“Goodbye, Peter.” You mumbled as you stepped around the boy you once called yours, quickly letting yourself out of the apartment.

The moment you shut the door behind you a  sob slipped from your chapped lips.

You thought this would be different, that you’d be feeling relief and the constant hurt would go away. However, you were met with pain, an unbearable pain that rested in your heart as if it were literally breaking inside your chest. You felt your knees wanting to give out on you as sobs wracked through your body, but you continued on your trek home trying to force Peter out of your memory for good.

But what you didn’t know was an hour later Peter was still standing in the same spot he was as when you left only being able to stare at the remnants of your ruined relationship and at the mess he had made.

Author’s note: hi okay so this is the first imagine i’ve done on this page (i used to do some 5sos ones a hot minute ago but i deleted that account like over a year ago) I really hope you guys liked it!! Please give me as much feedback as you want because i could definitely use some. Anyways thank you so much for reading this, i really appreciate it! Also if you have any requests for me i’m 100% down to do them all!!

This is going to be a two part series, the next part will be in Peter’s pov and it’ll be based off the song “The Mess I Made” by Parachute. I’m veryyyyy excited to write the next part so I hope you guys enjoyed this!!

@tomhollahoe @tornadoxx @softboy-holland

[reincarnated-again]

all the odd number questions!

1. is there anyone you consider the “host”? has there ever been one?

ye boi me. idk how many there have been but i think i have been the biggest chunk of time when u add it together. tho i don’t rly remember most of it and it feels different than me but i think its just anxiety related “amnesia.”

3. Describe the funniest thing you’ve seen happen between two alters.

between two alters? idk. it’s usually just one doing something funny/weird but funny.

5. Who is the most protective?

hm i dunno. 

7. Who holds the most anger? 

yooo this is a trick question bc like i think 99% of us are just angry balls of... anger

9. Describe what happened when an unusual fronter had a day in the limelight.

idk if there’s rly been a whole day where an unusual fronter was out. Usually it’s a few minutes to a few hours.

and even then its mostly the same. sometimes they’ll go to places they like but its not rly any different than other days where I go places.  

11. Who is prone to backseat driving, ie. directing the fronter without fronting themselves?

none i guess idk. people usually don’t do that. if they talk they usually make remarks on things. sometimes kids say we should do (x) thing but no one continuously directs shit.

13. Describe the most drastic change a fictive has gone through since their first appearance.

i mean, none. There are only a few (besides ones with characters names who dont actually seem like that character) and theyre both pretty much the same as when they first “appeared.”

15. Describe some of the kids!

there’s 3 general categories

happy kids

"dark” kids

kids who technically have trauma but dont see it that way and “like” it/perform with no qualms (i.e. maragerie) (i have a name i use in my head but im not going to write it in this post)

“dark” kids can be broken into two sub categories- trauma kids (who are depressed/sad/scared about it) and creepy ass kids like Lucille or Jacey.

17. Who isn’t good at keeping track of the time and tasks to do?

me? lol

19. Peaceful, brotherly, patient. Who did I just describe?

Jesse

21. Dejected, passive, tired. Who did I just describe?

........me

]23. Describe another alter with three adjectives.

sleepy, skittish, small (Em 3)

25. Who works together best to complete daily tasks? Is anyone good at washing up, but really bad at vacuuming?

Liz is okay at cleaning/picking up. Turtle is really good at cleaning the house but she hates it (she wouldn’t admit it ofc) but it’s part of her job i guess from trauma.i suppose the people who usually do regular stuff we have to do (showering and such, cleaning, homework, etc) besides me are Ghost, Little Emily and Liz but not much. Actually, i only clean shit once a month at most usually less which is why my room is so terrible.

27. Who, if anyone, creates memory blackouts?

idk

29. Are there any inseparable pairs/groups? Alternatively, what are the social groups like?

Forest Jess and Ghost are the first that come to mind.

31. Describe, if any, an inhuman alter.

There’s a lot. There’s a cat who’s an orange tabby who’s about the size of a bobcat who little emily likes and plays with inside. she used to come out occasionally but not anymore. at one point she was half cat and half some kind of monster but I’m not sure about that anymore. she definitely is just a cat now. it may or may not have been a different part who was the monster-like being, or maybe that part of he integrated? dunno..

33. Describe what switching fronts feels like.

hmmmm i dunno. i couldnt describe it unless if it was happening/just happened. im rly bad at remembering stuff like that unless if its happening.

35. Is anyone a bit of a “control freak”?

Turtle kind of, but she doesn’t really control other people, she’s just very strict about herself (she doesn’t eat, she has to clean, cannot talk).

37. Does anyone have a fascination with numbers, shapes, or using repetition to self-soothe?

a lot of us will repeat (yes this is weird) “meow” over in our head when were trying to calm down/not think about something. We’ve done this since we were  a little kid. A lot of the time it’s to the Meow Mix tune lmao.When I ~doodle~ bc anxiety i always repeat stars and certain squiggles and a few other shapes and letters. That;s about it I think. Other fascinations and stuff with those things are not soothing.

39. What’s something you’ve managed to create as a team?

i suppose the “system map” blog counts.

thnk u for the entertainment if u actually read this wow bravo

[ts-hvv4]

EPISODE THREE: I’M A GENIUS AND A MORON - OLIVIA

I'm still feeling weird in regards to old saint Nicklas. The vote went from him suggesting Ricky to everybody just hopping aboard that train in minutes/an hour so I think I'll have to leep my eye on him for sure. I dont want to say much for now though but I may need to start some seed droppin’.

So I now have an alliance with Kurt, Sharifa, and Ned and tbh we stan. Kurt and Sharifa are messy bitches, and Ned is our straight ally. Olivia and Trent are shady and can go. This individual immunity twist is annoying, I'm fine with going to tribal I guess but the fact that up to 3 people on our tribe could win immunity... thank u next! Well, I guess I'll have to see how this challenge goes before I strategize further...

I know you might need immunity Birch (more like you do) but why are you snatching from your tribe members? I guess you really want that immunity huh 😂😂 maybe there’s something I don’t know about.. I need to see about finding that idol just incase..

Olivia tries to snatch the Ancient Thera Ticket from Matt Olivia tries to snatch the Ancient Thera Ticket from Matt Olivia tries to snatch the Ancient Thera Ticket from Matt Olivia tries to snatch the Ancient Thera Ticket from Matt Olivia tries to snatch the Ancient Thera Ticket from Matt Olivia tries to snatch the Ancient Thera Ticket from Matt

With the twist of both tribes going to Tribal Council this round I’m feeling a little bit nervous. I can’t go for the immunity necklaces myself because of my work schedule. I’m not necessarily nervous for my own game though. The McBITCHES alliance and the TEA SLUTS alliance are both alive and well. OLIVIA and I are discussing possible boots as well and we’re leaning towards NED and JAKE since they’re both hardly around. Out of those two, I think I’d prefer JAKE to be the one voted out next. NED and I have a little bit of history from previous non-TS games and I genuinely think we could work well together. OLIVIA did pitch JAKE to me, so I think we could make that happen fairly easily. But it’s still very early and a whole lot of things could change between now and tribal.

I’m a genius and a moron

* a bit later*

Me in a pepper Potts voice: you can rest now, summers 

Matt summers: finally closes his eyes knowing I can no longer spam him 

 Me: now onto this bitch Keegan who keeps trying to steal my goddamn ticket

* a while after that*

If Kurt takes one look at the atomic wiki my life is over

Really really really bonded with Kurt during this challenge and the last few days. We were already buddies and good with each other but I feel closer than ever and I really love that dude 🥰

Trent had to talk to me to get birch’s name out because we both wanted to say but I had him say it!! But I didn’t want to throw birch’s name out RIGHT in front of Keegan like that but he seemed to switch with us..idk if he’s for it or if it’s just for the group or if he’s just not for it but he probably doesn’t trust me for that LMAO yikes

I’ve forgiven birch for what happened in our last game but I’ll never be comfortable existing in a game simultaneously as them ever again. I’ve been uncomfortable since day 1 and I hope we finally vote them out so that experience can stop plaguing me with birch’s presence

Now that this challenge is 4.5 hours from finish, I suppose 9 would be a good time to get started or maybe sooner. A part of me felt it may be smarter to not post at all but I I don't want people getting too suspicious of me and feel I have an idol

Hmm so the goal today will be to get votes onto Emma and then proceed to get 2 votes on someone else in case of the idol...let's see if it goes anywhere!

Kurt and I at tribal council with immunities around our necks https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcTQclKPZ2g&feature=youtu.be

Listen did I intentionally let slip that Kage most likely used that extra vote on Sarah later on so matt might change his vote and I would get the advantage IM NOT SAYING YES OR NO But also I’ve been so worried about summers but he said he wanted to work together and with smart people and the people on his tribe honestly seem frustrating and I was like babe sign me up. I hope he doesn’t strangle the life out of me again but I’d rather have a friend out of him than an enemy I chose the villainous route for the advantage 😬 if I told birch they were getting votes they would’ve flipped out and spiraled all day, I couldn’t do it. its only round three and it’s so messy oh my god. Please let me sleep and let this vote pass

Sooooo. Olivia told me that people have been talking about me and Lukas in Uluru, so that fun. I have a target on my back because of a game i played 8 months ago and a person who isn't even on my tribe. I also don't have immunity. I think we are going Ned, but I have Paranoia.

Tell me why Emma is saying there were nothing at Thera. That’s such a blatant lie. I don’t believe it. We just had our votes revealed AND an extra vote and she got nothing? Anyways. She’s already told Dennis where she looked for the idol. Tried talking to Sarah while she was at Thera. And then told me she had nothing there. So like clearly she don’t trust me like I thought she would when I first started playing Also just to be clear, it’s very likely Kage who voted Sarah this last round so we need to keep that in mind (and make her paranoid about it so she doesn’t stick with the 5).

So now the immunity's over and it seemed Emma was going, but now I know she is likely going to vote Kage out, which is good that it isn't me, but I hope no idol play kills Kage ahh.

My plan of wanting to vote our JAKE or NED didn’t exactly pan out the way I wanted to. The McBITCHES alliance decided that voting out BIRCH is our best option right now. They’re difficult to maintain conversation with and apparently they have a connection with Lucas on the other tribe. If there’s a swap that kind of connection could be bad. However everyone in this game has some kind of connection. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. NED and I have a bit of an alliance ongoing right now so keeping him around could definitely be beneficial.

Both tribes are going to tribal. All 3 Immunities are at the other tribe and that is exactly how I wanted things to go. I wanted to keep the options for our tribal as open as possible 1/8 chance to be voted out is way better than 1/5, not that I could've been there for 24hrs to do the challenge anyways, but yeah. Long story short Matt approaches me and asks me to work together to keep the Ancient Thera ticket between us, just to properly find out what is going on there. Because for some reason a lightround has been activated from ancient Thera and an extra vote was cast, that wasn't revealed and nobody wants to own up to it. None of the ancient Thera people seem to wanting to talk about it. Matt gets the ticket, goes there and tells me that he has to fullfil this 1 task otherwise he loses his vote. Besides that he tells me that Malik is on the outs of the other tribe and Birch's option apparently was either, no advantage for themselves but advantage for the tribe or the other way around with a disadvantage for the tribe. So Kage lied : ))) I know that, Matt knows that, Sarah knows that. Kage is definitely NOT trustworthy. But who do we vote now? The idol has been found (somewhat likely by Kage, seeing that he mentioned the door quite a few times), but it also could be in the posession of literally anyone else. So it has been my goal for the entire cycle to stay good with everyone and make sure that if there is an advantage being played, it isn't played against me. Kage has been going around all day making sure the vote is on Emma, what I am okay with, since Emma has been literally non-available since the game started. But yeah let's see. Last tribal prove 1 thing and that we can most likely count on many advantages to be showing up in a season like this, so in the end. Anyone can go home...

Right now, Emma's on and has been informed she is getting votes. Dennis claimed she wants to go on Kage, which confused me only because I thought he already told me but I guess that was just Nicklas and/or Matt...Matt at least told me haha so I hope this won't be flipping over on Kage but yeah the next few hours should be interesting

So my alliance with Ned, Kurt, and Sharifa is confirmed with Malik on the side. The vote seems to be geared towards Birch since they’re not in our alliance or Sharifa’s alliance with Trent and Olivia. Apparently Birch is voting Ned and Trent or Olivia is throwing a vote on Ned, so it looks like Ned and I are throwing a vote on Keegan in case an idol is somehow played. Doesn’t matter to me as long as I’m not voted out. But after that I want my allies safe hehe. I think there will be a tribe swap next. I don’t really want to throw a vote because if i’m on a tribe with trent and olivia or keegan i’d have to own it or lie, either way there could be a good amount of tension. SOS!

The closer it gets to tribal the worse I feel about the vote possibly being BIRCH. They’re just so lovely and fun to have around. NED is an alright dude but he’s so inactive compared to BIRCH or literally anyone on the tribe. It’s sort of painful to be voting out someone I genuinely like in the off chance that they align with someone they previously played with it a swap happens. But such is the game. In the long run keeping NED is actually going to be better for my game. Right now he’s currently just an extra vote to be used by whoever he sticks by. So I’m going to do my best to make sure that it is me he’s sticking by.

I’m really really scared they’re all lying to me and it’s gonna be me tonight but I’ve just gotta go with the flow I guess. I don’t wanna look like a fool  

have been mega busy but here's the lowdown Oliva and Trent are frickin chaches who think they're running the show but they're dumb Sharifa is my #1 now Sharifa Kurt Jake and I are in an alliance and Malik is our 5th number and we've formed to put a stop to Olivia and Trent But this vote we are voting out Birch because we don't want to cause a ton of chaos before the swap. And I am getting votes from Keegan and Birch so Jake and I are voting Keegan in case Birch plays an idol. I'm concerned about Oliva and Trent voting me as well, causing a 4-3-2 vote. I tried to convince everyone to vote Keegan/Olivia/Trent but no one wants to make any ripples. If I go home because of this I'll be big mad. Keegan sucks at this game and life Olivia and Trent also suck at this game and should leave the internet forever. 

Okay so it should be Emma going tonight. I don’t like that bc I like Emma a lot but I guess people want whatever is easiest. TBH I don’t like Kage that much so I am just itching to flip but I know it’s too early to be a crackhead like that. So RIP Emma. Here are my thots on everyone Kage - a little brash and not fun to talk to, I want him gone like now. Matt - very nice and smart and needs to go before it’s too late. Sarah - I am coming to love her. Dennis - I <3 him. Nicklas - Cool but a lil much sometimes. I really try to vibe w him because I wanted him as my #1 but he’s hard to read. Andreas - Same as Matt. I think he’s easier to read but I think he’s also better socially than Matt. Anyone else - idek. I want a swap or sumn. I’m getting a little bored of these ppl. Also fuck whatever person got me eliminated from the last challenge. I was just trying to have funnnnnnnnnnnn! But everyone who got a necklace deserved it bc they worked so hard.

Emma is fighting to get Kage out. And this is exactly why we’re friends. We literally just chose the same person because we don’t like him lol. I wonder if it helped that I tried convincing Sarah that Kage voted her the other day. Dennis is low key against it because he doesn’t want anyone to get mad. But I think imma try seeing if people would be willing to do it 

 ***20 mins later*** 

Okay welp. I tried. Emma’s been too inac tho and most people don’t think they should save her Whatever ig. I’m okay with it. Hopefully it doesn’t get back to Kage I tried to get people to flip I only really dislike Kage on my tribe. And have been less connected with Chris. But I’ve talked a lot with Dennis, Lukas, Matt, Sarah, and Andreas so as long as no one gets paranoid, the swap we’re all expecting shouldn’t be bad.

[lifeisaboxofcereal]

No clue who this is addressed to, nor what the purpose of this is/will be, but feeling exasperated that nothing helps me feel better, how about I give venting via writing a shot.

Here’s the deal. I’ve been involved with this guy for about 5+ years. Lets call him owl. Its the first thing I looked at in my apartment trying to come up with a code name instead of publishing this guys name who any of you reading most likely already know his name via any of my fb posts in the last 5 years. I met him my freshman year at UD. Ballroom dance team. To this day I dont even know if I can explain what drew me to him. He was cocky and confident, cheeky, and cute. He danced. He was a Marine. He seemed so out of my league as a dorky, naive, super awkward freshman that didn’t know anything about college culture. I learned quick that a few dates does not mean we’re dating, and that he was a man of many many ladies. I learned quick that he did not really take my feelings into consideration but I would put them aside and accept any interactions or affections that were given. We had a connection and I had fun with him. I just wanted to go with it.

I went with it for all four years of college. Always waiting for when he’d finally be ready to commit. Or see how much I do for him. How I’m always there, good times and bad.  Even when he really really pisses me off. Waiting for him to see that I was his best friend the way I saw that he was mine. Waiting for him to stop messing up with me, appreciate me, cherish me, want to show me off.

I’m gonna be honest, that never came. Not in college. I didnt date anyone else. I didnt get involved with anyone else more than a few months, and those involvements were usually the product of me and owl being in one of our phases where we were on the outs and he was not talking to me. but once we were good again sure enough I’d lose interest in whoever it was that I was entertaining in that time. I regret a lot of that. Not giving others real chances, because they actually deserved them and wanted them.

But with him it was always like a game, like a chase, never ending, suspenseful, thrilling, exciting, passionate, never a boring moment. Always keeping me guessing. I hated it but I loved it. He didn’t respect me, and he didnt respect my feelings, but still I stuck around. It’s only now that I’m seeing that I had slowly been losing respect for myself, so what incentive would he have for respecting me when I was being a hypocrite? Our dynamic was one of push and pull. There were the times he’d pull me in and never want to let me go, and then without warning he would push me away and leave me feeling abandoned and confused as to what I did to deserve it.

He hurt me a lot. Never physically. Never. Never forced himself on me, I never once was physically scared of him. But emotionally. Every year there was at least one incident. One big fight that seemed like the be all end all. That would leave me in my dorm crying with my roommate wondering how he could be so cold and harsh towards me after everything I’ve done and everything we’ve shared. Always wishing that he would miss me and realize everything and change. It was a clear cycle, and I’m not stupid, I was very cognizant of it, but idk, i liked it and i was still waiting. What I had with him was so different and special I couldnt let it, or him, go.

Last year, October, we had a big falling out. That was really the be all end all. I knew because, and as stupid as this is or sounds, in all of our fights we had never unfriended each other on facebook or done something as extreme or defining as that. We always left doors open. But with this, he burned all bridges. He made a facebook status about me. He wanted all of my things out of his place. He 100% snapped. It was over, he broke things off and our 4 years of being together but not really together, was over.

I spent the next 5 months in therapy and trying to keep busy with friends and classes and trying to find myself again. So much of my identity was dependent on him and associated with him. All of my memories included him. Even dance reminded me of him. I was so lost. And missed him so much but had motivation to work on myself and for once be comfortable and happy with being on my own. I remember one particular session with my therapist in which she told me that if I still have hope that we will reconcile one day, I need to completely let go of what we had. Put it to rest, let it go, mourn it, and leave it in the past, because there was too much to be fixed and too much wreckage to salvage anything. That if we were to ever reconcile it would have to be a completely clean slate. Free of the past transgressions. So that night I blocked him. I blocked his number, his facebook. his snapchat, everything. It was hard and scary but I did it in hopes that thats what I needed to do even if temporarily and symbolically leave our 4 years together in the past.

2 days later was Valentines day. I was supposed to go to a devils game with a friend and she cancelled last minute because she was sick. I reached out to everyone in my phone to try to find someone to go with me because I did not want to spend valentines day in bed thinking about him and missing him. Nobody could come to the game. I was offered a shift at work and almost took it but someone hopped on it before I could. So i was left with chinese food and netflix. I let myself cry and be upset, and feel the hurt remembering our past valentines days together. And then my mom came to my room and let me know that jake was coming to the house. shit i said his name. whatever. she let me know that he asked permission to come and clear the air, and that he would be there in 40 minutes.

He was there in 30, and we sat down, with my best friend as a third party, and we talked for 5 hours. About everything. Anything. All the grievances we had with each other. What we realized. What we regretted. And he told me that he loved me. That he needs me in his life, and said all of the things that I had waited 4 years for. I kept thinking about how right my therapist was, about letting go and letting them come to you, about starting fresh, about leaving the past in the past.

The months that followed were the epitome of a honeymoon phase. My god. we were finally doing things right. He was showing me off, appreciating me, never wanted to let me go, it was everything. I dont think I’ve ever been so happy. We were so in love with each other, so excited, couldn’t wait more than 2 weeks to visit each other again. We moved in together. We made an apartment a home together. We started new jobs and set goals. We motivated each other, supported each other, and wholeheartedly loved each other. I finally felt like I was in a functional and healthy relationship. I felt so loved every single day and I finally understood what people meant about that unbelievable feeling of being in love with someone who was just as in love with you. We did and learned so much together. We had setbacks, and tiffs here and there, but we worked through each one.

Theres a lot in between then and now, but I don’t think it’s worth getting into or explaining. All I can say is that I don’t know how we went from that, to this. Not speaking. Not looking at each other. An apartment that was once so full of love and laughter now only has silence and tension.

He has problems. And to be honest. I’ve always known that but never wanted to accept it. I have problems too because I am very compliant. The relationship became emotionally abusive. I am mentally abused. And he has left me hating myself when I dont even know who I am. I don’t regret staying with him. I don’t regret getting back with him last year. I dont regret anything. All i’ve done is love and give as much as I possibly can. Im not angry. More than anything, i’m disappointed.

I thought he was it. Actually. I know he is. If he were to get the help that he needed. But in a normal relationship, when there is an issue, you don’t feel that your partner becomes a completely different person. That’s not normal. And right now, I don’t know who he is. For the past 2 weeks I have been wishing I could just snap him out of it. Grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Show him a photo of us and see him come back to me. I have written heartfelt letter after heartfelt letter. Debating giving one to him in hopes of softening him up and coming out of this haze of anger and hatred hes in right now. But thats not normal. I shouldnt have to snap him out of anything. I shouldnt have to wish he’d come back. I shouldnt have to plead and beg for him to remember our good times to soften up. None of it is normal. He dissociates. And when i look at his eyes hes not there. I know this sounds dramatic but it’s true. It’s scary, it’s hurtful, it worries me, but it’s true. He completely detaches, and it’s as though he never knew me. As though we never shared a single experience together. And nothing I do can bring him out of that place. As I write this, I feel like I’m writing or remembering someone that died. And thats because essentially, that is how I feel. the man i spent the past year with loving and learning and GROWING died. He’s gone and I dont know why or where he is. And i’m left with this fraction of myself that doesn’t know how to cope with any of it.

He’s not good for me. Its not worth it. I deserve better. I’m going to be so much happier without him. These are all words that an infinite number of friends or loved ones can say to me but the fucked up part of all of it is that I don’t want better, I want him. I know that I will never be able to fully let him go. It’ll never be fully over. And i will always love him. I care about him more than I care about myself. Which is a big part of the problem.

I don’t know where to go from here. Or how to cope. I don’t know what to do. All i know is that I miss him with every fiber of my being. I can’t open my phone gallery because the last photos I took were with him and I can’t look at them. I made a new facebook to run away from it all. Nothing I do makes me feel better. Friends. Work. Gym. Margaritas. Movies. Its all a distraction from missing the person who made me smile ear to ear every morning, and exhale peacefully every night. Even now as I write this, hes walking around the apartment and its as though Im a ghost. He doesnt see me. Acknowledge me. Notice me. And while I used to see him and feel overwhelming love, I now just feel hated. Complete hatred. As though I ruined his life, when all I ever tried to do was make his life better.

So friends, that is my story. I don’t know how it’ll end but I can tell you for sure that I will never be able to hate him or be angry with him. And I will always love him. What comes next for me, I have no idea. I thought writing all of this out would maybe help me have some sort of epiphany but no epiphany came.Sometimes I wish I could have my mind wiped clean of all of this so I wouldnt have to deal with this pain. But I cant. So this is going to suck. For a long while. I’m going to be upset for a long while. I hope at the end of this I can find myself and be a version of myself that has value and pride. I want to be the Bren that loves herself, respects herself, values herself, and is proud of herself. The bren that marched on washington for womens rights in the world needs to march for her rights in her life. More than anything though, I hope he finds himself. I hope he does what he needs to do. I only ever wanted him to be happy. Even if it was at my expense.

[xlmurchison]

In my own words

On the 9th February 2014, I found out that I was to become a mother. Exactly a year later, on the 9th February 2015 I decided to attempt to take my own life.

I’ve always spoken really openly about my journey as a mother, and battling postnatal depression ever since it happening really, firstly as an attempt to recover and secondly to help others who are, or who know someone going through the same thing. I feel the best thing I ever did was associate myself with charities related to this issue, this week ITV border aired a news piece I filmed 3 weeks ago with a charity called “fixers” however, through the various things I’ve done, not often have I managed to actually give my full story to anyone. So here it is..

I’d been married to Duncan for 5 months when we found out we were expecting our first child. Lots of emotions running around at that time, we were 19, still really getting to know each other (we’d been together 18 months but at that age you change every day) but excited, because it was something we’d wanted from the day we’d met. Family always meant a lot to us, for different reasons but we were always set on having one together! The first few weeks of pregnancy was basically just morning sickness and lots of bleeding, we had an emergency scan at 9 weeks as we thought we’d miscarried, but fate had other ideas! There it was, a tiny little bean, moving away! Safe to say we were smitten!

The difficultly then lied with actually getting ourselves ready to be parents! I was nervous and always worried I wouldn't be a good enough mother, Duncan takes everything in his stride so he wasn't phased, and on the 11th October 2014, at 11:11pm, Evie Louise Murchison made her grand entrance into the world, screaming, moving, with a tonne of black hair! She was everything. 

My postnatal depression journey began there-after, she was the perfect child, slept all night, fed well, was so content. The trouble was me, I didn’t at any point feel good enough.. I did everything a mother should do, my baby was happy, healthy and loved beyond words but slowly, I let every bit of love I had for myself disappear, wrapped up in guilt and a dressing gown I spent most of my days at home, hidden where I could be happy in not feeling judged. And trying to desperately to convince myself motherhood would come at some point. 

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. I’d tried to get some help for my mood however being given 10mg of citalopram and being told, it’ll be fine eventually.. my condition didn’t improve, none-surprisingly really! I was beyond anti-depressants and the feeling that everything would be okay, I wanted it all to end. I didn’t want to be a burden anymore and I didn't want to live my life feeling like I wasn't good enough. My daughter deserved better, my Husband did. For years Id felt like an embarrassment to my family, like I didn’t fit in, so after a weekend in Fleetwood with Evie and Duncan, and a family member deciding to let loose and call me a child pretending to be an adult, and a terrible excuse for a mother, I decided that on Monday 9th February 2015, I’d take fate into my own hands and say goodbye to the life I was so ashamed to live.

I felt calm on that morning, it was the first morning in what felt like forever I’d felt in control of my life, I’d had bacon for breakfast (at that point I didn't even like bacon) and placed Evie in her cot for her morning nap, it lasted a couple of hours so I knew I had time to think about it properly, about what I was going to do, if i’d tell anyone, if I really wanted to go through with it, turns out I didn't need to think too long on that one. It wasn't up for debate at that point. After gathering any pill I could find, painkillers, antidepressants.. I took them all, slashed my wrists, and blacked out. Prior to taking the last few pills I’d sent a series of messages.

To my parents “Im sorry I’ll never be good enough” - No response

To my husband “I love you” - His response “i love you too”

To my mother in law “look after Evie and Duncan, I love them both more than the world” - Response 3 text messages, more missed calls than I could count, a 20 mile trip in about 10 minutes and ultimately, she saved my life.

Dipping in and out of consciousness inside an ambulance hearing words like cardiac arrest, and we need to get her to hospital fast, I didn't even flinch, I’d already accepted the fact I wanted to die, so I couldn't care less if they lost their battle with me. The whole hospital experience was a blur, one of the first things I remember asking Duncan was if my parents had responded to my text, Duncan replying “no” set my mind back into overdrive and he saw the visible effect it had on me, so he made the decision to change my phone number and stop all contact for a period of time, in the hope my feelings of not being good enough would be lessened, and we could focus on getting me better. We both knew I loved Evie, I just needed help in getting my mind used to the idea that she loved me too. 

The morning after I left hospital social services came knocking at my door. Instead of “how are you feeling” it was “are you sorry for what you did?” and “how much of a risk are you to this child because your emotions are clearly getting the better of you and she's suffering for it”... this beautiful baby cuddled into my chest, smelling of talcum powder, freshly washed baby grows, sleeping peacefully. Totally neglected. Obviously at that point I wasn’t so numb anymore, the experience hadn’t troubled me, however It had made me think that I should maybe pick the broken pieces up of myself and try gluing them back together. So after a few weeks thinking deeply about life, and a therapist telling me I was a child trapped inside an adults body and I couldn't control my emotions or my anxiety (shocked!) I’d googled postnatal depression help that made times I’d slowly started feeling better. Enough to start telling my story, I wasn't ashamed anymore, I began to see the benefits of speaking out, those words “Me too” became music to my ears, and I couldn't help but think, maybe if I keep doing this, someone will benefit from it, someone might speak up, get help, or they might realise they struggled too. If one person benefitted from me telling my story, openly, honestly, in its entirety, then me going through that would be worth it. And exactly that happened.

3 years on I still have my days where I struggle, you see a 3 year old is very different to a 3 month old, she talks, she now has attitude, now she actually knows how she's testing my patience, and she tests it good! those baby days were actually the easier days. However, it doesn't mean i’d swap them any time soon. I’m still quite scarred by those feelings, and the guilt still bothers me every day. I nearly took away my daughters opportunity to have a mother, I nearly ruined the family I wanted so badly. I have a career now, Evie is in pre-school, we’ve been married 4.5 years, and we are genuinely happy. We are a normal family, we have a faults and sometimes Duncan struggled with my moods, because living with someone who suffers extreme anxiety isn't easy. sometimes he has to push me to leave the house and go to work, other times he has to drag me down to reality because I'm convinced I could run a business and take on the world. I’m difficult, and stroppy, and I beat myself up all of the time about everything that happened. However my determination to help other families outweighs all of the negatives. 

There are so many statistics with regards to postnatal depression. Figures are great but how many women are missed? Men are hardly accounted for.. The horrible truth is it can affect anyone, and I want to change that, I want women to share their stories, I want to hear me too! I don't want any other mum feeling like they aren't enough, because believe me, if you are reading this and your sitting there thinking “this is how i’m feeling” You are enough, If I could give a women, or man a DVD of memories showing them how many times they’ve been enough id personally deliver one to every parent on this planet. Every nappy change, every tear dried, every lullaby, nursery rhyme or personal rendition of whatever is number 1 on the charts at that time, you’ve been enough for that baby, and that, is all that matters. The world is strange, naturally you are created to have children, and before you know it you are sat at the end of a bed doubting that very decision. I was left sitting on the bathroom floor watching blood pour from my arms thinking that my life would have been better wasted than lived feeling nothing but guilt. Like I say this experience hasn't made me super mum, its made me a mum who thinks she has a level of control, but I know I'm not perfect, but I know I am capable of giving Evie everything she needs, we are best friends because I fought so hard to be just that. I still fight every day, telling myself the amount of love I give her is enough to fill 3 people let alone just her. But now i’m given the opportunity to make a big difference, people say “she's that girl who had PND isn't she” and my friends say, yes! she is! 

Believe it or not, I’ve had people tell me I'm embarrassing for actually admitting I was so weak I attempted suicide, I’ve had family, yes FAMILY members tell me they wish I’d of died. People stopped talking to me, people laughed at me. Mental illness isn't weakness, it takes some strength to get back up and dust yourself off, it takes strength to fight back against your own mind, to force yourself to feel better. I hate going to work every single day, I hate pretending I'm confident and easy going. I hate meeting people, trusting people. If my own family can laugh behind my back what would friends say? But i’ve learned over the years who I can trust and who I can't, and most of all I’ve learned to never judge anyone. 

These words are honest, unedited and without a doubt the hardest words I’ve written. I know nobody really wanted to know the gory details, maybe you’ve read this and you think I love the attention, believe me, if I could pretend for the rest of my life that I’ve always been an awesome mother, but I haven't and part of the journey was admitting to myself that I fucked up. And that I could maybe help someone else. If you’re feeling any which way like I did, please tell someone, tell me, a friend, family, someone who hardly know but trust. Help is out there. Help isn't far away and in whatever form it comes it, there will be a life after this. 

Keep Strong 

X

[nackles]

1-100 of the distract list :3

jfc i mean im takign a break from zelda so why not lmao

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?

@selenabi

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

i mean sure?

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

…a cat? LMAO

4: What’s something you really want right now?

to be out of my home

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?

too laaaaaaaaaaate

6: Do you like the beach?

i havent been to the beach in years but its pretty cool

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

not as far as i remember?

8: What’s the background on your cell?

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?

um…they were all my bed lul

10: Do you like your phone?

i love my phone! im just bummed that bc the camera glass broke at work my camera is kinda poopy now :c

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

i mean they weren’t but im trying to fix that

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

i think my supervisor

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

both please? lul

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

easy, emotional

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

im cool with either or! but if i had to choose i guess art museum

16: Are you tired?

when am i not tired lets be real LMAO

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

my whole life

18: Are they a relative?

yeah lul its me mom

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

LMAO HELL NO

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

im talking to them right now

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

lmao no not today

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yea lul ill probably do it again for most of my life tbh

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?

not really………..

25: What’s on your mind?

just thinking about the future and how happy ill be to finally be out of my home rn

26: Do you have any tattoos?

nop

27: What is your favorite color?

blue!

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

probably this week if i get most of the week off

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

yea lmao

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

hell yea

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

i would hope @selenabi would lul

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

all the time ngl

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

ok pero like that wouldnt happen?

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?

nah

38: What do your friends call you?

nicky LMAO

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?

oh man not this week but last week was the wooorst

40: Have you ever cried over a text?

yeah man i think we’ve all been there

41: Where’s your last bruise located?

on my hand lmao

42: What is it from?

boxes fell on me at work

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

honestly every goddamn day 

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

@selenabi

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

yeah, but each time i get a new fav they’re like always worn down in a few months to a year bc i exclusively wear only one pair of shoes until my current ones are literally fallling apart

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

hell no i just deal with it lul

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

nah

48: Do you make supper for your family?

i mean i sometimes pay for chinese or pizza

49: Does your bedroom have a door?

yeee

50: Top 3 web-pages?

uhhh, i guess youtube, amazon and a tie between twitter and tumblr

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

not off the top of my head?

52: Does anything on your body hurt?

my feet and back really hurt rn

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?

ehh it depends. if i know ill see the person again then i have no problem

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

water lul

55: How is your hair?

super curly and T H I C C

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?

usually shower if i have to go to work

57: Do you think two people can last forever?

i mean i dont see why not

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?

i was fuckgin 10 years old ofc i was LMAO

59: Green or purple grapes?

they’re both great ngl

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

later today my dude

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

all the time

62: When will be the next time you text someone?

probably today?

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?

when typing this, ill be arriving in davis

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.

i was at work lul

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

yeee

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

yeah selena

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

not yet

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

i wanna sleep but i also wanna play more botw

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

yeah my dude thats what i call called life

70: How many windows are open on your computer?

4

71: How many fingers do you have?

8 plus two thumbs

72: What is your ringtone?

the mgs 1 codec

73: How old will you be in 5 months?

still 20

74: Where is your Mum right now?

babysitting

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

ngl i dont wanna get deep into this but ill just say complications 

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

nah

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

i mean two years ago i only really talked to my friends from hs so yes?

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

yeah lmao

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

my uncle’s name is mike!

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

yeee

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?

none lul

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

yeah

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

yeah ill also be sleeping in their bed too

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

my friends probably lul even tho i wouldnt do that

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

yeah

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

i mean some asshole kept kicking the back of my chair but thast about it

87: Who was your last received call from?

my mom lul

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

probably not lul

89: What is something you wish you had more of?

money time

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?

i dont think so?

91: Do you sleep with your window open?

sometimes, i tend to not to keep dust out

92: Do you get along with girls?

yess

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

i dont think so?

94: Does sex mean love?

i mean it can?

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

no way my dude

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

nop

97: Did you sleep alone this week?

yee

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

selena and vIDEO GAMES

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?

i never really thought about it or cared tbh

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

selena i think

[sxmmersover]

Insecurities, Jealousy, internal conflict and… Hypocrisy?

I’ve known Emma for a little over a year. we’ve been dating a week. that leaves pretty much a whole year where i wanted to be with her exclusively, but she wasn’t ready for relationship. 

i’d only really been properly single 2 months when i met Emma. 2 months to process and get over a 3 year relationship amid final year coursework, clearly not nearly enough time. i was nearly there though, i’d asked out a couple girls on dates with little success… but i was moving on. i knew once she’d given me the smallest ounce of attention and interest that i was hooked. she was stunningly pretty, wickedly wild and a total nerd loser at heart like me.

Classic Joe move, obviously caught feelings super fast even though it was clear this girl was on the anti relationship warpath. maybe i could’ve just seen her as a fuck, but Emma also treated me as something much more a lot of the time, so i dared to hope one day she’d come around to being with me. true she made it ever so clear the last thing she wanted was a relationship, but in many ways we treated each other like we were at least ‘seeing each other’. it caused me a lot of pain to know she’d kiss other guys on nights out etc but it brought a lot of comfort that i was the only person she was sexual with, shed always end back in my bed at the end of the night. i lived with that, it wasn’t what i wanted but it was the compromise i made to keep this girl i really liked in my life. i appreciated Emma’s honesty, it says a lot about her that she’d be completely upfront about what she did at the risk of me cutting things off.

The real focus of this post is sex, and my very confused feelings on it so that’s where i am gonna try to steer it now. my problem is holding things Emma did with other people whilst i was in her life against her. i don’t mean that i beef her, or v rarely do. its more when i’m low i think of those moments and think of the girl i love spitefully, its an awful feeling but i do and i want it to stop so bad.

a little ways in whilst continuing this casual friendship i hooked up with another girl multiple times. i don’t really know why i did, i guess it was purely because i could. Emma found out and was mad at me for keeping it from her. rightly so i should have mentioned it, but i was in denial thinking that i had no reason to tell her, i was just covering my ass.

Anyways, a little while later we were past that and it seemed we were getting very close, we even mentioned potentially proper dating. the problem was i was moving away so in the end what was the point. mid April while Emma was in Scotland she fooled around with a guy up there. it hurt me a lot true, i thought we were going to be dating when she got back, i felt a lil betrayed but she also never said we were exclusive so wcyd. when Emma came back from Scotland we fought and i told her she either committed to me or we stopped speaking. in a brutal fashion she said no way so i ended it. fair enough on her part but so far from what i wanted obviously.

during the time we weren’t speaking Emma slept with a guy a couple times. i can’t really understand why this still makes me want to vomit nearly 8 months later. its not the literally fact another dick was inside her, we both have sexual history obviously. its not like she cheated on me so its no that either. i guess its simply because hes the only other guy shes been with in the time i’ve been in her life. maybe that in that moment she was with him, she knew i existed, knew i loved her, wanted her more than anything, but instead chose to be with him. i know it isn’t as simple as that though, we weren’t on speaking terms so it wasn’t a simple choice between the two of us. i don’t really worry that much about him being a better shag. i know im good, but i still can’t her description of that night as ‘oH mY gOd the sEx’ like its burned into my brain. i still remember sobbing endlessly onto my friends floor as i saw her tweets showing he’d stayed over in her bed and they’d gone out for food and later that she had feelings for him. all while saying she needed to get over me. the whole thing still makes me want to fucking pull my hair out. literally some of the worst few days of my life.

that paragraph was heavy. i guess the point is that it doesn’t matter anymore. Emma never wronged me, but it still hurts and i subconsciously hold it against her. which isn’t fair on either of us. but see, this whole thing isn’t about trying to beef her being the whole sex thing is NOT one sided at all. by Sean, we’d both slept with one other person, not that numbers count, but my point is how can i be angry at her when i did the exact same thing, and i did it first? i even did it sober and many many more times than her. i also did it while we were on good terms, she did it while we weren’t even speaking. objectively emma sleeping with sean was no different to me sleeping with laura. i dont even think about laura, it was so unremarkable. emma probably feels the same with sean so why do i fixate on it so much?

fast forward many months theres little to talk about sex wise until Emma slept with a girl on a night out in late October. this one was a lot shittier in my eyes, she’d told me she didn’t wanna be with anyone else and i believed her, BUT and its a big BUT, we still weren’t exclusive so technically she didn’t wrong me. it hurt a lot, i felt so betrayed and so worthless but they are my own feelings to deal with, we weren’t exclusive so she was free to do whatever.

i don’t really have the energy to debate straight and gay sex but to me gay sex doesnt really bother me. so the fact emma fooled around with 2 girls recenly doesnt bother me to a massive extreme. hurts a little bit 1-2. what hurts a lot more was that she fooled around with connor who i was assured a million times over was just a pal but we literally werent even speaking then so can’t beef, but for whatever reason it still hurts.

see now while me and Emma weren’t speaking i started speaking to another girl in what i’d consider a fairly serious way. like we saw each other a lot, she met my fam but that was lit because they wouldn’t let me have a girl over without knowing her. probs because she was Mexican smh. SO THIS IS MY POINT. i slept with this girl, took her to college in the morning etc went on a couple dates yet im hung up over emma’s drunk pulls? WHY? that makes me such a hypocrite. well, at least i can recognise that. maybe i see myself as a victim? maybe its a lack of empathy? but from my understanding emma isnt bothered about me sleeping with other people (obvs before we got into a relationship). i evens slept with another girl in the UK. again counting numbers is silly but since we met emmas slept with 1 other guy to my 3 other girls? so why do i hold it against her and feel so shite about it? maybe i’m a bad person i wish i had a clear cut answer.  

perhaps how i see alice, laura and sindy as literal specs of dust compared to the wonder that is what i have with emma is how she views sean and those girls and thats why its not a big deal to her. maybe its not something to feel sick about all the time. like i said before the whole polygamy thing for the first year we knew each other was certainly both ways.

this has helped a lot, its emptied my head an awful amount. i just want us both to enjoy a long and loving relationship and for the past not to hold us back. its late and i should sleep. this post has literally 0 plan, a literal thought train but its also months worth of thoughts all rolled up into a big mush.

i wanna make it clear Emma isn’t responsible for my feelings, nor do i think she is. i just wanted to explore my own gripes to try and understand them a little better, maybe even resolve them in this little egg head of mine.

i know none of this matters now. i love this girl more than I've ever loved anyone. if we aren’t together at LEAST 5 years i’ll feel cheated by the universe. goodNIGHT