#im trying to make the most of this sudden urge to be productive
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lizzieblabbers · 5 months ago
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how my year ended
previously on the life of lizzie
so the universe seems to be unsatisfied by my hardships for the past month it decided to throw some more additional surprises for me !!!
its now february. actually, halfway through the month, to be specific. i got the sudden urge to just... write so here i am.
a lot has happened since i last posted (can't even remember when, but i am almost certain i lived a full life in between then and now)
im trying to go back to writing, so be it my most random thoughts in moments when i want to share it to someone but felt like it would be too burdensome for them.
i thought february would let me breathe, but i guess it had other plans for me.
to summarize 2024 is to write a short story about the darkest (by far, pls i can't bear more) part of my life since i became aware of life itself. and i am not exaggerating, because even though i had some of the best moments of my life this year, it still can't hide the fact that 2024 is, well, shitty most of the time.
i don't know if it has anything to do with the year itself or it is because i am getting older and my ability of finding happiness in the littlest things in life has been impaired. but one thing's for sure, it sure has felt like hell.
january was because of thesis. it was rewarding when it was done, but boy, the process was tedious. and i'm not even kidding. it was draining to the point where the mere mention of the topic was enough to make me anxious.
but wait, there's more!
in february, there's thesis again! this time, we have to finish the data gathering part, which, for me, is harder than finding supporting literature. it invovles people (my weakest link by the way) which consumed my whole being. nevertheless, i persevered (oh the queen i am) ikr
march was mellow-ish. another semester, another enrollment anxiety attack. but then again, i was proven that it was just in my head. in fact, it was easier than the past months because i am now adjusted and i felt like i can do everything now. also had a lot of friend-meets which helped me survive (fr, i love u guys <3)
april started good, because data gathering was done and i spent the second half of the month in the province. the memo on the synchronous sessions were a great help for my mental heath, because i got to rest (not really, but it was kind of a rest, breathe of fresh air) while still tending to my responsibilities as a student.
stayed there til the first half of may. but eventually, i needed to come back because we had to start writing the manuscript in preparation for our defense in june. this month revolved around thesis stuff again, which needed my newly-replenished supply of energy. but regardless, it ended productively so i guess it's a win-win for me.
june was the last month of the school year. it passed by like a blur, maybe because i was so busy with thesis and other school stuff that i failed to do other things. but hooray, thesis defended !
but... i wouldn't have survived june if not for my high anticipation for july. after two years, my father came home. when we fetched him at the airport, i suddenly felt like the child i was when he left. i felt giddy, felt like finally, i can turn off my brain because there's someone here to do the thinking for me. despite the fact that my father and i dont always see eye to eye, the little girl in me still feels like this whenever i try to tiptoe and wait for him in the arrival area.
july deserves two paragraphs, because believe me when i say that it was the busiest month of the year. it was, for the lack of better term, eventful. the first half was the four of us only. then when we went home to the province, it was with immediate family (it was also when i found out that i had tons of relatives in the province that i didn't know were my relatives until then). we went our almost everyday (very tiring for a homebody like me) T_T as if it wasn't consuming my entire being, unfortunately for me, i also had to attend classes during vacation because i had a summer semester in my current curriculum (sucks :P). now you get why i call it the busiest month of all?
and surprise,,, july bled into august. summer classes continued with the (daily) family activities. before i knew it, a month had passed since my dad arrived and now he has to go back. i may or may have not shed a tear or two, but you dont need to know that, do you? anywayyy, the next few days were spent catching up with missed school works and the last week was spent with friends, which made august worthwhile.
then finally, it was september. christmas season in my country starts early, so as the silly christmas preparations. but along these are my first phase of on the job (ojt) shenanigans. the whole month basically revolved around my life as a student trainee in one of the major national banks, where i experienced an 8-5 typa thing. honestly, it is also when i met people that made my experience bearable. i had fun while working and having a slice of my adult life should i choose a career in banking.
come october, still ojt days. i have already finished a 100 hours in september, then finished a hundred more. nothing much happened, just the average working days.
still the same for november. except, i've grown attached to the routine already. the end of my required schedule was near, yet i was nowhere near ready to be done with it. honestly, hours with these group of people made me reflect on myself more, and what i really want in life. septembet, october, and november were the calm times in 2024.
and what do they say about the calm before the storm?
YUP. december was not it.
it started great, but then again, problems found its way into what was supposed to be a happy year-end. i won't delve deeper into the specifics, but it would be an understatement to say it was messy. there was a lot happening at once, and i can't even put into words the severity of it. the only silver lining in this month was the parties i have attended, which definitely made it lighter, helping me forget about my problems for a while.
ok so wrapping this up before i sleep (or else i'll be forgetting about posting it in the morning)
and with that, the 2024 season comes to an end.
good night 💤
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ushi-bakatoshi · 5 years ago
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how do you guys feel about songfics?
which songs would you like to see used as inspo for a fic and with whom?
edit: send me any ideas/requests you have pls :')
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leviaju · 5 years ago
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forgiveness
pairing: belphegor x GN! reader, hints of everyone x reader
words: 8.1k+
genre: angst, fluff at the beginning and a bit at the end if u squint
warnings: mentions of mc and lilith’s death, foul language
preview: “I’m sorry,” He begins, voice much weaker than anticipated. “I know that will never cut it, and it will never be enough, but I’m sorry.” 
“You’re right, Belphegor. It won’t cut it.”
hey guys what up. so... i’ve done a lot of thinking about belphegor’s dynamic with MC, and, like many others, was really bothered by the sudden switch after... he killed them. u know. typical stuff. i wanted to fill in the gaps!!! if im being completely honest, this has sat in my wips for.... like half a year. it’s my first time writing for obey me, so i hope that everyone’s not too terribly ooc LOL
anyways yeah. i mention how belphegor killed mc a couple of times, so proceed with caution! hopefully, if i get any ideas, the next stuff i write will be a lot lighter. hope you enjoy! (also requests r open soooooooo)
The weight on your chest crushed your rib cage, threatening to snap your bones like they were nothing more than twigs. All you could see was the pitch black of eternal night, and whether your eyes were opened or closed you couldn’t tell. What commanded your attention was the searing pain in your lungs, growing exponentially every half-second, and the unrelenting grip that was slowly shattering your esophagus. No matter how hard you struggled, squirmed and fought against the weight holding your body down, there was no use. It was pointless. The pain spread from the raging fire in your lungs to the tips of your fingertips, and everywhere felt as if you had been set aflame. Slowly, a light illuminated the force keeping you down. 
You couldn’t make out much, save for the cackle that rang insufferably through your ears, and the intense eyes that were staring you down. 
They held no remorse. 
-
Bones ache as you rest against your bed, finally allowing the tension in your muscles to melt away. You’d never mistake this feeling for regret of a busy day, having spent so much time with the people you care about, but it certainly took its toll on you. 
It began with Satan, who’d asked you the night before to accompany him on an early morning walk. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence — he’d invite you to join his morning routine on every day off, and you’d never refuse — hence, at the wonderful time of 7:00am, you were venturing around the Devildom, hand in hand with the Avatar of Wrath. The two of you would walk, occasionally resting on a park bench for longer than either of you would like to admit, for about an hour and a half before you took an official break. The time was filled with pleasant chatter and comfortable silence. Every so often he’d squeeze your hand, and when you’d look over, the fondest of smiles crossed his face. It was a reminder of how glad he was that you joined him. 
At around 8:30, he took you into a café for breakfast, and two of you spent only about thirty minutes there chattering away happily. For the most part, he was vividly and excitedly discussing a book he’d just finished the night before…
Until you were interrupted.
“Hello, lovely!” Asmodeus wrapped his arms around you from behind, just before pressing a kiss on your cheek. Satan sighed, resting his head in his hand as he watched the interaction. 
“My selfish older brother’s been hogging you all morning, I couldn’t help but want to whisk you away!”
Despite the glare Satan was sending his way, Asmodeus took a seat next to you, happily engaging in conversation as he completely ignored his brother. He told you that the mall was opening in about an hour, and Asmo desperately wished to get his perfectly-manicured hands on a new makeup product being revealed that day. 
“But of course I can’t go alone! How positively dreary that would be.” His fingers twined with yours as he looked at you hopefully, and you ran your thumb across his hand. A sheepish smile crept its way onto your lips, and you looked over at Satan. He simply nodded, flicking his hand as a gesture for you two to leave, and Asmodeus didn’t hesitate. He was quick to stand and pull you with them, holding tight to you as he whisked you away. You called out to Satan, now alone at the table with a reluctant smile on his face as he waved goodbye. 
“Thanks for breakfast! Get home safe!”
You almost missed the chuckle that left his lips, the café door closing behind you. 
Asmodeus kept you until noon. He got a hold of the lipstick he wanted almost right away, but insisted on buying an outfit to match the colour. Regardless of what you’d initially thought, the outfit wasn’t for him.
“Oh, we’ll look positively stunning together!” He exclaimed after about two hours of forcing you in and out of changing rooms, putting his hands all over you to “adjust the clothing” as he deemed necessary. Near the end, you could feel soreness deep in your muscles creeping in from such an active morning, but Asmodeus’ cheery face and constant flirtations helped you forget about it almost completely. 
It wasn’t until you got home that you truly felt the effects of on-and-off walking since early in the morning. Be that as it may, your stomach was growling, loudly reminding you that it was now past lunch. As much as you wished to give up on food for the time being and instead head to your room to collapse, the pain in your belly was enough to urge you to cease any arguments, instead ready to try and ignore the ache in your bones in order to quell the angry rumbling of your stomach. 
Unfortunately, when you finally made it to the kitchen, there was no food prepared. Instead, what you found was a dejected Beelzebub, frowning softly as he once again was at the receiving end of a lecture from the eldest of his brothers. As quiet as possible, you snuck into the kitchen, trying to listen in on their conversation. 
There was silence, followed by a sigh. 
“It’s easier to simply ask what’s going on as opposed to trying to eavesdrop, MC.”
You jumped, then bashfully made your way into the kitchen, a sheepish grin on your face. Lucifer was rubbing his temple. 
“Beelzebub was supposed to be on lunch duty, but ended up ‘taste-testing’ to the extent that he ate it all. Again.” Lucifer sighed. The typically perfect eldest brother was being run ragged, if the bags forming under his eyes told you anything. “So, instead of working on the papers I have to get finished for tonight, I’m stuck making lunch while he cleans up.”
Beelzebub’s frown tugged at your heartstrings, and in spite of the exhaustion clawing relentlessly at your bones, you relented. 
“Why don’t I help? Four hands are better than two,” you proposed, and a small smile graced Lucifer’s face. He lifted his hand to brush the disheveled black hair out of his face, and your chest ached just a bit at the sight. You made a mental note to drag him to bed for a nap the next time you saw him like this.
“That would be more than welcome. Please, if you may.” Already you turned to start working, but Lucifer’s voice made you pause. 
“But no feeding Beel. He’s eaten more than his fill already, he can wait until we’re all done.”
Needless to say, every so often you’d slip Beelzebub a piece of chopped vegetable or cooked meat, and he’d very happily (but quietly!) munch away, his expression radiating warmth and joy. And Lucifer, who seemed to almost be omniscient at times, never once mentioned it. Once the three of you were done cooking, Lucifer placed his hand on your head, patting you gently. 
“Good work, MC. I must leave now, but I trust that the two of you will be able to clean everything up. Your help was much appreciated. You will be paid back in kind for all of your hard work.”
If nothing else, the slight blush on Lucifer’s face as he ever-so-gently pressed his lips to the crown of your head was more than enough payment. 
“Thank you.” Beelzebub cleared his throat, washing the dishes as you dried them. “I… Thanks for helping. And feeding me.”
His smile warmed your heart, and you nodded, bumping your arm with his gently. The small bit of pink that dusted his cheeks compelled you to coddle him, but you resisted the urge. Barely.
“Anytime, big guy.”
After you ate lunch, the only thought in your mind was the prospect of curling up under your covers and passing out. The fretful, broken sleep the night before wasn’t helping at all in keeping you awake, and that on top of the rest of the day’s events had you yearning for the feeling of your pillows. 
Unfortunately, you hadn’t even made it through the door when your phone began to blow up, one notification after the other in quick succession.
GGKKJFLFJG
MC
CMOE QUIC K
PLS
SUPE R RARE EVENT IN MONONONOKE 
PELASE 
YOU HVE TO BE PARTNERED WIHT SOMEONE TO GTE THE PRIZE
MC
MC
PL E A S E
HURRYHURRYHURRYHURRYHURRYHHHUUURRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY
You found yourself in Leviathan’s room, sat in his lap as he explained the event to you. Your half-asleep brain did its best to keep up with his quick speech, but that, along with the warmth of his chest against your back, became the most soothing lullaby. 
“Hey! Normie! I agreed to let you sit here so I could easily help you through the event, but if you’re going to fall asleep on me, I’m pushing you off—“
“I’m awake! I’m awake. 
...Now, what was I supposed to do?”
The unintentional giggle that escaped your lips at his expression caused Leviathan to huff, exasperated, despite the flush of his face. Diligently, however, he thoroughly explained the event, for the second time, and the method to obtain the rare prize: a level 2000 I’m Going To Murder You So Hard That You’ll Come Back To Life Just To Die Again Death Sycthe, the strongest weapon ever released in the game. It was a partner event, which explained Leviathan’s desperate and urgent request for aid. You didn’t mind though. While yes, you’d probably never be able to get to his level of gamer, you were more than happy to go along for the ride. It made him happy! 
Leviathan rested his chin against your shoulder as he played on his phone, focused to such a degree that the usually easy-to-fluster demon was completely unphased by your proximity. Your phone, set to AutoFight, rested untouched near Leviathan’s leg, abandoned on the floor. You watched him expertly take out enemies that would have one-hit KO’d you through heavy eyelids, and every time he beat a wave of enemies, his attention would momentarily avert from the screen, looking at you from the corner of his eye expectantly. A kiss on his cheek was more than enough to motivate him to continue on, albeit with a pink glow on his cheeks until his attention was once again completely wrapped up in the game at his fingertips. 
-
“Levi! I said open up, goddamnit!” 
The pounding against the door was enough to distract Leviathan from his game, subsequently killing his character in the process. He groaned, cursing the demon who interrupted the two of you as he gently lifted you off of his lap, before getting up to open the door. 
“The hell do you want?!”
To be completely honest, you were so wrapped up in watching Leviathan play his games that you had forgotten about your weekly movie night with Mammon, who had come over to his younger brother’s room to drag your ungrateful ass  back to your own. Leviathan had cleared the event in Mononoke Land hours ago, but not wanting you to leave just yet, invited you to keep watching him play. Setting aside how tired you were, how could you say no? You’d wanted to spend time with him, too. 
Unfortunately, you lost track of time, and your phone, battery completely drained from the event, rested uselessly in your pocket. A consequence of this happened to be missing the countless messages and calls Mammon had sent your way, before he began his hunt for you throughout the house. The last place he checked was, of course, Leviathan’s room.
“Come on, human, I ain’t got all day. No one keeps the Great Mammon waiting!” 
“Except for MC,” you heard Leviathan mumble under his breath, and a laugh escaped you before you had the chance to slap a hand over your mouth. Mammon flushed deeply, before striding into his brother’s room. 
“Hey, wait, you moron! I never said—!” 
The force of Mammon throwing you over your shoulder wasn’t enough to hurt, but it certainly was enough to leave you breathless for a moment. “Let’s go, fragile human. I picked the perfect movie already.” Mammon’s words came out in a bashful mumble, but he had enough courage to lift his head and smirk at Leviathan as he carried you out of the room. All you could do was smile apologetically at the blue haired demon before Mammon turned, bringing you out of sight. 
Mammon was all complaints as he carried you to your bedroom, but you knew it came from a place of love. Even though he’d never admit it, you could tell he was hurt by you unintentionally ignoring him. Because of this, instead of demanding he let you down, you allowed him to hold you like this, not a single complaint leaving your lips. 
When he brought you to your room, you were set on the bed you’d missed dearly and he went to put the movie in the player. 
“Hey! No sleepin’ on me, alright? I wanna watch the movie with ya, and I can’t if you’re passed out, now can I?” 
And so here you are now, bed frame creaking as Mammon climbs onto the mattress. Rubbing your eyes, you nod, and lean into him once he gets close enough for you to. 
“Seriously, I’m gonna hafta have a serious talk with Levi,” Mammon grumbles, slipping his arm around your waist and pulling you in so that you’re almost in his lap. He pulls the blankets over the two of you as you rest your head on his chest, and hum quietly in return. “He used up all your energy, and now we won’t be able to get to enjoy the movie as much! Honestly…”
The vibrations of Mammon’s words can be felt through his chest, and you simply cuddle into him more and try to train your bleary eyes on the television screen. The Avatar of Greed shuts up completely when you take his hand in yours and press a gentle kiss to it, before doing your best to focus on the movie. As time passes, however, the idea of giving into your whims grows more than tempting, and oh-so-easy for you to do. 
-
“Hey! Yo, MC! Seriously… You’re hopeless.”
A chiding, yet gentle voice draws you from the confines of rest. You puff air from your nose in response, cuddling closer to whatever it was that had been so comfortable in the first place.
“MC… Come on. Ya gotta wake up, ya didn’t even watch any of the movie! It was really good, y’know.”
Mammon’s hand rubs circles on your back as you mumble incoherently, a noise to acknowledge the fact that he‘s been talking, and that you are indeed awake now. 
It takes a good amount of time, as well as some gentle encouragement from Mammon, to get you to finally open your heavy eyes, and even longer for you to be able to apologize to him for missing out on the movie he was so excited to watch. He pouts a bit, but the blush on the highs of his cheeks lets you know that he didn’t mind all that much. You smile and yawn, and his chuckle resonates in your ears. 
“I gotta go now, otherwise Lucifer’s gonna kill me for staying so late. Sorry I woke ya up, but ya look so tired now that you’ll probably fall back asleep right away.”
And so, after a quick goodbye and a kiss on the cheek (which made Mammon turn the prettiest shade of red), you close your door and… sigh. If you had been able to stay asleep, the fact that you aren’t in pajamas and haven't brushed your teeth wouldn't be that much of an issue. Now that you‘re slightly more conscious, however, it’s hard to convince yourself to simply climb back into bed. Your breath is bugging you a bit, and the jeans you’re wearing certainly aren’t at all as comfortable as your pajama pants.  For that reason, to your own dismay, you begin getting ready for bed — properly this time. 
A small “finally…” tumbles from your lips after you finish your nighttime routine. Lacking any form of grace, you plop into bed once more and pull the blankets to your chin, nuzzling into the pillow. Your bed still smells like Mammon’s cologne, and you hum softly to yourself before closing your eyes and waiting for sleep to take over once more, and hold you hostage until late in the morning. 
Alas, sleep seemed to be evading you now, similar to how you had ignored it during the day. The mattress you lay on simply isn't comfortable anymore, and the blankets that hug your body cause you to overheat. Unfortunately, if even one limb is out of the blanket, you get so cold you start shivering. None of your typical sleeping positions are anywhere near as effective as they typically are, and you’re left to wrestle with sleep alone, hoping to beat it into submission so you can finally get some proper rest. 
After about 45 minutes of tossing and turning with no results, you finally relent. The nap you’d taken while watching the movie royally fucked you over, and you groan. Eventually you decide to give up on trying to fall back asleep, and huff as you sit properly on your bed. 
Blanket dragging behind you as it drapes from your shoulders, you slowly make your way through the silent hallways of the House of Lamentation. The only sounds floating through the walls were the light buzz of electricity running through the wiring of the house, and your own footsteps as you began walking up one of the many staircases in the large building. 
You aren’t sure how long you’ve been walking, the passage of time different at night to a hazy mind, but eventually you arrive at your favourite area in the house, second only to your lush bedroom. There are no artificial lights, only the gentle cast of the night sky providing the ideas of shape in the planetarium. You’ve never seen stars so vibrant and bright, and there are so many more in the Devildom than anywhere you could go back home. Even though the only light comes from the stars, it’s enough to create soft, fuzzy edges around everything in the room; this includes the bundle of various blankets mussed in the centre of the floor. Slowly, cautiously, you make your way towards the pile. 
Since you’d arrived in the Devildom, the planetarium at the top of the House of Lamentation became your safe haven. Your room, without a lock on the door, was way too easy for intruding demons to enter without permission, and on nights when everything became too much for you to handle, you’d head up to the planetarium to clear your mind. There’s just something so calming about a starry sky on a clear night that releases you of your fears and anxiety, and helps you get a grip on the situation around you. 
After freeing a certain someone from their attic-based captivity, however, you learned that the planetarium was a place favored not only by you. Since he’d been freed, you’d been kind, but there were still fears plaguing your mind, reminding you of everything that has transpired between the two of you. It’s something that you can’t escape, following you even - especially - in your sleep, when you wished you’d be the most at peace. It makes sense, considering the sin he embodies, but you wish it wasn’t like that nonetheless. 
Once you’d learned that this was one of his favourite rooms in the house, especially on nights when he can’t fall asleep, you found yourself avoiding this area. It’s not that you hate him; it’s the opposite, really. Nevertheless, you can’t help but feel the tightening of his fingers around your neck, and the burning sensation in your lungs that’s screaming for oxygen, and the desperation to alleviate the seer of deprivation. 
Still, you trek on. Closer and closer to the pile of blankets, your gut cries to you to run away. You ignore it. The nearer you get to the nest of blankets, the faster your heart beats, the more lightheaded you feel. But you continue. 
Eventually you get close enough to make out the shape of a familiar pillow, the cow print on the case worn and well-loved. From the moment you walked in the room, you knew he was here. All the same, you walk on, and the only sounds in the room are the gentle taps of your clothed feet against the tile, and the quiet noises of your quickened breaths.
You’ve avoided being alone with him since… Since you… Since the event. Your heart screamed at you to forgive him, to love him just as much as you love his brothers. That said, there’s nothing in you that can stop your stomach from churning whenever he gets too close. 
Butterflies beat aggressively within your heart and stomach, and it’s years before you get within his range of sight, but you sit down on the floor, holding the blanket tight to your body. 
There’s one beat, 
two beats,
three beats of silence before you can hear him sucking in a breath through his teeth. In your peripheral you can see his lips parting, closing, parting again as he tries to find the words. He heard you walk in, and was pleasantly surprised when you didn’t immediately bolt in the opposite direction. However, this proximity leaves him with an entirely new predicament. He wants to talk to you, he wants to laugh and joke with you the way his brothers do, but one look at your face and he notices the dark bags under your eyes, and the frown that tugs at your lips as you stare up at the stars. He can hear your heart racing, and feel his own in the tips of his fingers. He opens his mouth again, but the crack in his voice betrays his usual collected personality. 
“I’ll go,” Belphegor begins, begrudgingly starting to gather his blankets. His body freezes when his eyes pass over your figure and you’re looking right at him, through him, and he swears he can feel the blood in his veins stop pumping. Your expression is unreadable, almost scary, and he’s never in his life been in fear of a human until this moment. 
The seconds pass as years do, both of your bodies chilled to the bone but neither of you able to look away. In the end, the one who casts their gaze somewhere else is you, and he exhales loudly. 
“Don’t.”
Your reply is simple, but he’s stuck in place. Slowly, he nods, sitting down again the way he had been prior, and pulling his beloved pillow close to his chest. He can’t breathe, the tension suffocating. It doesn’t help that now you refuse to look at him. 
“... If you want,” he replies dumbly, staring at the floor. He feels trapped in place, afraid to move and scare you off. Despite every nerve in his body screaming at him to leave you be, he stays. You told him to, after all. Slowly, you sit down, his blankets creating a low wall between the two of you.
It’s only now that he gets a good look at you. You're tired, he knows, watching as your eyelids droop and your lazy movements when you get more comfortable under your blanket, but there’s more to it than just that. You seem so fragile, like sugar glass, breaking with even the slightest amount of pressure. He feels he can reach over and shatter you with the gentlest of touches, and that thought alone roots him in place. Since you came back, he’s never seen you without a smile. Your genuine smile was the prettiest, he decided rather early on, one that lights up your face and brightens those around you. Belphegor really, truly loves your smile.
He knows there was a point in time, not long ago, where he could have made it so no one saw it ever again. He can’t help but be grateful he didn’t succeed when he sees you smiling at his brothers. 
That’s never the smile you show him though. It’s not for lack of effort; you certainly try, and he loves you for that. But the smile you show him is always plastered on, and he knows you’re doing it for his sake. With Belphegor, your smile never reaches your eyes. Be that as it may, you’re never weak around him. Fake smiles prove exactly how strong you really are, but your heart races every time he enters the room. As much as he wishes your palpitations are out of excitement, he knows better than to give himself false hope. 
That’s why he’s so taken aback when he looks you over and you seem so vulnerable. Never, not in a million years, would he ever let himself believe that you’d allow yourself to look weak in front of him, not after what he did. Even so, here you are, shaking, knees drawn into your chest, and his heart soars because you’re showing him a new side to yourself. It aches at the knowledge that you’re feeling so vulnerable because of him. 
His eyes burn holes in the side of your head. You know he’s watching you, studying you, but you can’t bring yourself to meet his gaze. Not when the hands he uses to pull the blankets over his body are the exact same ones that led you to your untimely and violent demise, and not when every time you look at his face, you can also see Mammon’s above you, sobbing as he tries to will you not to fade away into nothingness. 
There’s no putting it nicely. You were murdered, and Belphegor was the one who killed you. As much as he tries to pretend it never happened, to act around you the same as his older brothers do, you would never forget. Neither would he, regardless of the effort he puts into pushing the memory out of his mind. His chosen way of coping was to laugh with you, to get close and have you forgive him without acknowledging the situation. It was too painful to talk about, after all. He willingly, happily snuffed out the life of someone his brothers love, and someone he’d find himself loving too. You became someone who changed him, helped him grow and be better. It was easier, simpler to act as if you’d met him the same way you’d met any of his brothers. 
Belphegor killed one of the last remaining parts of his past, a part that, while once warm and light, mutated and infected him, causing his anger to grow out of control, like a weed that suffocates any flower that tries to flourish. He killed a descendant of his sister, and the fact that you’re here now is more of a second chance than he thinks he could ever deserve in all his millenia of living. 
And yet, here you are. Scared and shaking, but here. The silence has stretched on for longer than he’d like; he wants to be able to love you, openly and happily, but knows it won’t happen. It can’t, unless he does what he thought was the very last thing he’d do. 
“I’m sorry,” Belphegor begins, voice much weaker than anticipated. He can hear your heartbeat pick up, and he curses himself mentally. Your lip between your teeth, you remain silent. His nerves force him to speak more. 
“I know that will never cut, and it will never be enough, but I’m sorry.”
There’s more silence. He feels like he can’t breathe, the tense atmosphere forcing its way around his throat and tightening its grip. He doesn’t know how long it takes you to even contemplate replying, let alone allow yourself to respond. Belphegor’s ears ring almost deafeningly loud. He can’t take it.
“You’re right.” 
His eyes, which he trained to the ground, dart up to your profile once more. You pause, wetting your lips. 
“You’re right, Belphegor. It won’t cut it.”
There’s not enough time to process your words before he really, really looks at you. Almost fearlessly, you meet his eyes. 
Almost fearlessly. 
The shaking of your hands betrays the strength of your voice. Belphegor’s chest aches. 
“But…”
There’s a pause as you speak. He can’t look away again, even as your eyes meet the stars once more. There’s no chance he’ll miss a word you say, even if it tears him apart.
“It’s… it’s really difficult. I know you know that, but…”
Each time you pause, Belphegor’s mind begins storming. He can’t figure out what you’re going to say, or how you’re going to react, and it drives him crazy. He’s usually so good at reading people, but you’re an enigma. It sends a chill down his spine. 
His throat is caught. Even if he had words to say, they wouldn’t be able to come out. So he sits in silence as you find your own. 
“I don’t want you to feel worse than you do.” You lick your lips. “Or maybe I do? I… I really don’t know. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about you, Belphie.”
The nickname tugs at his heart, more than he could ever admit. He wants to cry, wants to scream, wants to do anything other than look at your melancholy face, knowing he’s the problem. He wants to run and hide, to sleep forever. He can’t, though. Not when you’re here. Not now. 
Knuckles turn white as he clutches desperately onto his pillow. His breath shakes as he draws in air. 
“I want to love you. I want to love you as much as I love your brothers, and care about you as much as I care for them…”
You struggle to find the words. 
“... But it’s hard.”
You curse your lack of eloquence. Now, of all times, when your words are the only thing that enable you to communicate how you truly feel, they fail you. This might be your only chance to ever properly show Belphegor how you feel, what makes you so conflicted every time he walks into the room with a smile on his face, and yet all you can say is “it’s hard���. Obviously. 
A breath finds its way into your lungs, and the sound of your lips parting in the otherwise silent planetarium echoes in your ears.
You continue.
“It’s hard because every time I see your face, or I hear your voice, or I-”, you falter, heart catching in your throat, “or you touch me, I can’t help but be reminded of what happened.”
Belphegor doesn’t dare tear his eyes away from your form. The grief that settles into his face perfectly matches your own, eyebrows upturned and bottom lip quivering just the slightest bit. Even the trembling of your hands is replicated in his own. He’s never seen you like this, so incredibly vulnerable, and it tears him apart inside to know that he is the cause of it.
A shuddery breath comes from Belphegor, and you fight your instincts to check if he’s okay. You know he isn’t.
The silence deafens you, thundering in your ears so harshly that you're tempted to place your hands at the side of your head to muffle how quiet it is. You don’t, however, and whether it’s because you don’t want to look crazy, or because you’re afraid you might shatter if you move, you’ll never know. Do you want him to talk? Do you want him to say anything? Do you want an apology?
If you had an answer for that, you’re sure that things would have patched themselves up much quicker than this. You caution a glance at Belphegor, and the weight pressing down on your chest gets heavier at his expression. It feels almost as if you can inhale the guilt he feels, the emotion radiating off of him in waves.
“I… Logically, Belphie, I get it.” Again with that cursed nickname. Usually, hearing it from your lips makes Belphegor feel warm and goddamn near giddy, but now it only seemed to drive the knife in his gut further. 
“I understand what happened and why you did it. I may not agree… but I get it, you know?” You swallow.
“In the end, I’m still here. And… and I’ve come to learn that you’re nothing like that anymore. You’ve grown, and changed, and the guilt and anger that consumed you took control, and that's why you-- that’s--” 
You pause, clutching the blanket around you to try and ground yourself. The shakiness in your voice is not missed by Belphegor, and even if it had been, there’s no way he’d be able to ignore the tears that threaten to spill from your eyes. Slowly, subconsciously, one of your hands comes up to rest against your neck, a phantom of the grasp that once threatened to crush you.
“S-So… I understand why you did it. And I’m alive, and we’re friends, so it should all be okay, right?” Belphegor casts his glance away.
“But Belphie… as much as I want to forgive you, I also know that I’m never going to be able to forget what happened. It’s there in my dreams, and it’s there in your smile, and it’s there every single time your arm brushes mine and I flinch like a total loser.”
A weak chuckle makes its way out of your chest, and the halfhearted smile that follows forces a tear from your eye. You’re quick to wipe it away, hopefully quick enough so that it goes unnoticed by Belphegor.
It does.
What he does notice, however, is the frustration that holds tight to the edges of your sentences. The frustration is not directed at him, no. You would be yelling if that were the case, and maybe that would be easier for him to hear. No, this frustration is directed at yourself. You’ve been trying so hard, and all Belphegor has been doing is running away. His teeth dig so hard into his bottom lip, trying desperately not to show any anger he feels at himself, that he tastes iron.
“And then we became all buddy-buddy, you know? Like I was never lied to, or used, or manipulated, or-- or--”
Belphegor is torn from his self-pity when you continue, and he almost wishes you’d stop speaking. The thought that you might break him with your words has him shaking, and a feeling similar to fear courses heavily through his veins. Please, stop. He wants to go back to running away.
But you continue, as you always have.
“And I’m left not knowing how to feel. I’m so mad at myself for being such a coward and not being able to just get over it like everyone else, and I’m so fucking pissed that I can’t just exist around you like I do for everyone else. I mean, I used to be terrified of Lucifer, too.” Another fragile laugh, and you sweep the hair from your eyes with a shaky hand. Belphegor swallows hard.
“But I… I can’t pretend like nothing happened. As much as I want to be near you, and hug you, and take naps and play pranks on Luci with you… I can’t. I can’t act as if what I feel isn’t real, and what you did didn’t happen. It’s so hard, Belphegor.” You sigh, and finally look at him once more. He can’t meet your gaze, slumped over himself and hugging his pillow so tight to his chest it seems as if he wishes to disappear into it. “Especially because I really, truly want to understand why everyone loves you so much. And I want to love you, too. I want to know why Beel smiles every time you’re brought up in conversation, and I want to smile just the same. But… But right now, I can’t.”
Talking has gotten easier. The words that used to escape you have become accustomed to being used again, and confidence has restored in your gut. You sit a bit straighter as you watch Belphegor carefully, a sad smile lifting your cheeks. 
Belphegor knows that this is when he should swoop in, say something so intellectual that you’re caught off guard, and he can save you from… himself. This knowledge does nothing to save him from himself. He can’t even open his mouth to mime a sentence, let alone actually speak. The thought of how pathetic he must look settles under Belphegor’s skin, and he can feel his irritation rising. Not at you though, never at you. Not even when… When it all happened. His anger was misplaced, but he has never been angry at you.
Finally, when the quiet becomes too much, he forces himself to meet your gaze. The way you look at him, just as vulnerable and bare and scared as he is… he feels safe. He knows, even though your words sear his heart, that you never mean to hurt him, especially now. You’re being honest, and simply expect the same from him.
Belphegor inhales a deep breath, before willing himself to speak.
“I thought--” he croaks, and quickly clears his throat. Fuck. “I thought that if… if I could pretend that nothing happened, then I wouldn’t have to face any consequences.”
He curses audibly. Just how pathetic can he sound? Belphegor’s voice is hoarse and quivering, and weak. “Weak” is never a word that he would have used to describe himself, but now it echoes hauntingly against the confines of his skull. One of the most powerful demons in existence, and he finds himself quaking before a mere human. He cares for you, though, and he cares for you viciously. Something in Belphegor knows that he’s never going to be able to prove that to you unless he pushes his way through this.
So he forces himself to continue, even with every cell in his body desperately screaming at him to stop.
“I did what I did out of a place of guilt… and regret. I couldn’t stand the fact that it was because of me, that it was my fault, that I’m the reason that Lilith--”
Belphegor stumbles over his own words, and he sets down his pillow before he accidentally tears a hole through it. Instead he braces himself on the cool floor, in need of something steady to hold onto. This whole conversation shook him to the core. He can hardly believe he’s talking about his sister. She’s a topic that he’s avoided even around Beelzebub…
But if Belphegor ever wants even the possibility that you’ll forgive him, he knows he has to. Everything is on the line. His blunt nails press against the tiles and he focuses on steadying his voice.
“I couldn’t accept that it was my fault.” A newfound steadiness weaves its way around his words, and he finds himself sitting a bit straighter. “I’m the one who introduced her to the human world, and kept bringing her back. I’m the reason she suffered, and why the war started, and why we fell, and why she…” Belphegor coughs. “In the end, I couldn’t accept that I’m the one who killed her.
Your heart yearns to tell him that no, he’s wrong, it’s not all his fault. You know it won’t help right now, though, and that it isn’t your time to speak. Settling back a bit, you let your blanket fall from your shoulders. 
Belphegor’s heart stutters, and pounds so hard that he feels like it's trying to tear through his chest. Even so, he doesn’t miss the way your hand reaches out to smooth over his own, and for a moment he feels himself wanting to melt just from the simple touch. 
Belphegor pulls away. He doesn’t deserve your comfort, not yet.
“So… So when you said that you’re a descendant of Lilith, I-- I couldn’t help myself. I jumped at the chance to get to know you, learn about what makes you similar and what makes you different. Her blood flows through your veins, and I was quick to ignore what I did in favour of getting to know you, and… and inevitably, becoming just as fond of you as my brothers… but that can’t erase what I did.”
The feeling of understanding floods you and you find yourself nodding at his words. To be completely honest, even now, you’re scared. Your heart beats for many reasons, fear one of them, but you don’t run away. Not anymore. You couldn’t bring yourself to even if you wanted to.
Your hand, abandoned next to Belphegor’s, lay dormant. The need to comfort wills you to once again place your hand on his, but you don’t move. When he’s ready, if he ever is, you’ll be there.
Just as he’ll be there for you.
“I killed you, MC. And in doing that, I killed Lilith. Again.”
Countless emotions storm their way through Belphegor’s conscience, despair clawing at his throat, regret snapping his back, and guilt slowly crushing him under its weight. How is it that one can feel so empty, and yet so filled to the brim with misery?
“And not only that, but if I succeeded… I would have completely missed out on getting to know you, and caring about you as much as I do now. It would have been a loss that I never would have understood, but know for a fact that I would have felt. Even… Even when I was proud,” he spits out the word as if it’s poison, “of what I’d done, watching my brothers’ hearts break at the sight of your body… Even then, I felt it. The ache. It’s so fucking stupid.”
His tone, now bubbling with anger, stills you. It’s not directed at you, and you know this, but despite yourself, you freeze. Belphegor notices, and quickly clears his throat, relaxing his shoulders. He allows your heart a moment to slow as he regains his composure, and you find yourself breathing again.
“I know that me saying sorry is never going to cut it.” Belphegor turns his body to fully face you. He’s no longer running from his feelings, or from you. He knows he can’t anymore. Hesitantly, he lifts his trembling hand to place over yours. The muscles in your fingers tense, and he pauses to gauge your reaction. When you slowly nod your head once, he delicately places his hand on yours, using his thumb to gently begin massaging the tension away. “And I know that even if I do everything right from here on out, that there’s a chance that you won’t ever forgive me. And I understand why.”
Your heart sinks at his expression, his gaze locked on your joined hands. As aloof as he normally is, you can see none of that on his face now. When you turn over your hand he quickly pulls away, but your shaky movements to bring his hand back and intertwine your fingers urges him to go on. 
“But I want to try. And really try this time. I want you to be honest with how you feel, whether I’m frustrating you or scaring you or anything like that, and… and I want to be honest with you too. I…”
Belphegor trails off, but you squeeze his hand. He draws in a slow breath. 
“No matter what happens, no matter how you feel, we’re stuck together for the next few months. I want to spend that time getting to know you, and I want us to be as close as you are with any of my brothers… but I also want you to know that you shouldn’t feel forced. If it’s ever too much, I need you to tell me, and I promise I’ll back off.”
The smallest of smiles makes its way onto your face as you quietly agree. Belphegor doesn’t allow himself to try and figure out if it's genuine, out of pity, or sadness, but in spite of everything, it makes him feel a bit lighter. Just a bit.
“This won’t fix everything right away,” you say, and he now knows that your smile is a combination of the three. Along with this, though, Belphegor also knows the small sparkle in your eyes is hope, and he’s willing to take that hope and nurture it for however long he must.
“I know,” he sighs, but even he can feel the small tilt of a smile on his face, “but I’m willing to take as much time as you need to decide how you feel about me. And… And if you decide you hate me, which is fair, and that you never want to even be in the same room as me, I’ll respect your wishes.
Until then...Until you decide that you really, truly hate me, I won’t stop trying.”
There’s no way of telling how long his words linger in the air around the two of you, circling around your heads and making their way through your body. Even so, Belphegor diligently watches you, wanting to make sure he’s not overstepping his bounds. He even contemplates letting go of you, but is reassured when slowly, almost unnoticeably, you begin smoothing out the lines on the back of his hand with your thumb.
As much as you want to tell him that you could never hate him, you also know you can’t promise anything. Still, for now, just as much as him, you’re willing to try. You stay in silence, more comfortable than you’ve ever been in his presence, gently caressing the hand held in your own.
Eventually, Belphegor clears his throat once more. The vulnerability has made him tense and rendered his voice weak. 
“Can… can you hug me?” He all but whispers, fragility making his body quiver once more. He was completely open about his feelings for the first time in a lifetime, and the intensity of it left him craving affection. He knows how unfair this is to you, but he can’t help himself. He wishes to be held, for his fears to be quelled by someone so much stronger than him. “If you don’t want to,” he falters, speaking quickly, insecurely, “I won't even touch you. I-If you do, I promise I can keep my hands behind my back, and I won’t even--”
His words end abruptly as he feels you release his hand, and his heart sinks. He debates running away again, until he hears you moving towards him, and he finds he’s frozen in place. Slowly, but surely, with more courage circulating through your veins than you’ve had all night, you make your way over the blankets that divide you and position yourself right next to Belphegor, pulling him into your chest. Even now, he can feel how quickly, persistently your heart races, and yet you stay. True to his word, Belphegor rests his hands on the ground behind his back, but he doesn’t stop himself from nuzzling into your chest… and he cries. The complete, uninhibited release of his emotions hit him like a truck, and he sobs heavily into you, tears slowly but surely staining your shirt. You adjust yourself so you can hold him closer, slowly and reassuringly rubbing his back as he lets go of everything he’s been holding on to for longer than you can even imagine. This is a man who’s run from his emotions for centuries, and the fact that he’s willing to face them for your sake comforts you, cradles your heart and presses gentle kisses against the cracks. You know that you’re not going to wake up tomorrow with everything okay, but for now… for now you’re comfortable with his touch. Heaving in a deep, steadying breath, you reach down just enough to take Belphegor’s arms, and guide them to rest his hands on your hips. At this silent permission, he slowly, delicately wraps his arms around your waist, despite craving your body closer, wanting to hold you tight and never let go. He cradles you like you’re made of the most brittle glass, and you smile. The gesture touches your heart, and… and you feel safe. You know that all he wants to do is embrace you as tight as he can, but he doesn’t, even with permission. 
Here, in Belphegor’s arms, you feel safe. Here, where Belphegor’s grip on you is so gentle that it wouldn’t even crumple paper, you feel loved. As he cries into your chest, holding you as if you were an antique, hope slowly fills your heart.
Everything is far from perfect, but it’s still on the right track, here in the quiet planetarium.
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jawnjendes · 6 years ago
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the fog will clear up | shawn mendes
chapter 13/?, university au, shawn x goth oc
AN: sry its short and definitely a filler im sry its boring but it helps build up stuff thatll happen next ok ok im sry
*let me know if u wanna be added/removed from the taglist
masterlist | playlist
Annalise woke with a start. She was wide awake immediately. There was no room for sleepily rolling around the sheets, her eyes weren't heavy like always. She didn't know what dying and coming back to life felt like, but she was pretty sure it felt something like that. She had a weird urge to go for a jog.
Staring at the ceiling, Annalise reached towards the nightstand next to her, intending to grab her phone. Her hand touched the bottle, and she picked it up anyway, reading the prescription label.
Annalise Flores SERTRALINE 50MG TABLET Brand name: Zoloft
"You don't waste anytime, huh?" she murmured before setting it back down. Then, she grabbed her phone and checked the time.
8:47am. A new fucking record. Annalise rolled out of bed, unable to stay still.
In the 2 hours she had to kill before work, she tidied up the dorm, ate a decent breakfast, took a shower, and got started on the course work she had to make up. The energy levels were through the roof, she had never been so on edge and productive at the same time. Why wasn't she put on sertraline sooner? Sure, she felt hyperaware and borderline anxious, but that was apart of the process of getting on a new antidepressant. She was getting things done this way. Sure, she jumped when the lock on the door jiggled, but she was up and running anyway!
If she wasn't, she wouldn't have seen Stella entering the dorm. She was surprised to see Annalise on the couch, looking like a deer in headlights.
"Oh… I thought you were asleep. I'll, uh, I'll come back."
"No, wait!" Annalise sounded a little too frantic, but it did stop Stella from leaving. "Uh, come sit down! Please!"
Stella narrowed her eyes slightly as she went to the couch. At least she was willing to listen.
"I, uh, I'm sorry," Annalise began, rubbing the back of her neck. "I'm sorry for what I said. A stupid guy isn't the only good in my life. I have you. You matter to me, and I'm sorry for making you feel like you don't." She really couldn't stop herself from rambling. "I miss you. I miss seeing you here between classes, and I miss your optimism because a bitch could use some of that. And, and I'm sorry for the negativity I've brought in here. I'm working on it now, I swear. Just… come back. Come home… because bro, you're my wife, dude."
It could have been funny, but there was nothing funny about the way she said it. Her eyes were wide and pleading, and she was rubbing her hands together. Stella merely blinked her hazel eyes, nearly overwhelmed by that string of words.
"Look at you, expressing your emotions," she said after a while. "I can see why you hold it back."
Annalise nodded rapidly. "It's my first day on a new medication. Got me all sorts of hyped up, but I'll mellow out in a couple of weeks. And I'm taking therapy seriously again!"
Stella was surprised. "Oh, I see. Well… I've missed you too. Bro…"
"Bro?"
"I'll come home too. Camila's bed is too small for the two of us."
"Bro…"
"I know. I have to update you on all that."
"Br-"
"Okay!" Stella broke out a smile and stood up. "Dame un abrazo, puta."
That was much easier than Annalise had anticipated. She stood up and hugged her best friend, relieved. Stella wasn't one to hold a grudge, nor was she as stubborn as her roommate. It was another person to cross off the list.
~
Shawn had social media mainly to get his music out there. Yes, he interacted with his friends on Snapchat, and some fans on Twitter. Most of the time, Shawn just tweeted when he had new music coming out. He didn't check any of his social media very often, not even to stalk Ann's accounts because she was rarely on her's. He didn't even have his notifications on, purely to keep himself from the possibility of getting too attached to the opinions of random strangers online.
That was why he woke up that morning to a number of texts from Camila.
"SHAAWWNWNN"
"SHAWN IM LKTERSLLY BALD RN"
"CHEKC UR TWITTER RIGHT NOW!!!!!!"
"YOIR FOLLOWERS!!! AAHSKSKSK"
"SKSKSK SHAWNMM IM SCRAMING"
So to Twitter he went. Shawn rubbed sleep out of his eye as he went to his profile. He had around 10k to begin with, that he built up on his own over the last couple of years. He nearly dropped his phone on his face as he read the new number.
50.2k
"What… the fuck?" he breathed out as he sat up in his bed. He scrolled through the list, making sure this wasn't a series of spam bots.
His mentions were just as wild, and it explained the sudden blow up.
@hollaestor: @shawnmendes hiii bella told me to follow you
@samxriv: @shawnmendes i am free to hang out on tuesday to hang out when i am free
@gisellenjh: @shawnmendes bella sent me here and im glad she did! loving your music!
And there were plenty more like that. There were so many tweets, Shawn couldn't even get through all of them. It was making his head spin. There was only one Bella he knew about too… He just couldn't spell her last name. Thankfully, her handle was just @bellasanti, and it was the first one to pop up when he typed it in the search bar.
Right under Bella Santiago's name and the blue checkmark were the two little words: Follows you. Shawn refreshed the page ten times before it sank in. This YouTuber, who has over 2 million followers, somehow found Shawn's music… and she liked it. She liked it enough to tweet about it… 3 days ago.
@bellasanti: underrated spotify artists: @shawnmendes. give him a listen. send him some love. truly talented guy💖
Shawn had only overheard Bella's videos when Ann was watching them in the other room. He never really watched any of her content. But he wanted to pass out at the fact that she took the time to listen to his music and tweet about him. He wanted to jump on the bed. He wanted to call-
He texted Camila back. "Wtf why did no one tell me sooner?? This is so crazy!!!!!"
"We thought you knew and you were keeping it from us!! LMAO congrats rockstar!"
He couldn't believe it. His follower count was rising. He was getting emails from Spotify saying his songs were being added to many different playlists.
@shawnmendes: @bellasanti wow thank you so much! Love you bella❤
He deleted the last bit before tweeting it. Holy shit. Shawn lied back down on the mattress, completely breathless.
How does someone like Bella Santiago find Shawn out in cyberspace? What Spotify rabbit hole did she go down that led her to him? How many of his songs did she listen to? How many songs did she save to her library? How many of those playlist emails were from her? Shawn had so many questions.
~
There were two things Annalise noticed when she was out on the courtyard after Biology. The first thing was a table on the side of the walkway, with a handmade banner hanging off the front. It read in big letters: Shawn Mendes: Live at The Cameron House. Brian, Alessia. and Camila were all sat on the same side at this table, talking to a student who was interested in the little display.
"The lounge called back," Annalise muttered to herself.
The other thing Annalise noticed was Patrick sitting under a tree nearby, reading a book. She went to him first.
The last time she had spoken to Patrick was when they cut up flowers together. He was never one to explicitly state when something has upset him, and he has seen Annalise in a depressive episode before. Annalise knew him well. Patrick kept his distance because he didn't like the negativity around her, and he couldn't afford any more of it himself.
"Hey," she greeted.
His blue eyes tore away from his book to meet her gaze. "'Sup?"
"Trying to be less fucked in the head," she told him.
Patrick nodded in approval. "Cool."
That was all that was needed for the two of them. Content, Annalise turned and went for the table. A small line had formed when she wasn't looking, so she waited behind the last person. However, with three people running the thing, Annalise got to the front fairly quick.
"Oh, she actually showed up," Brian chimed, amused.
"Meaning?" Annalise asked.
"Thought you were too pissed at Shawn to care about his show, that's all."
She swallowed the pit of annoyance, discovering that even more people knew about that. Brian is his friend, though, of course he'd know.
"Selling tickets or something?" Annalise turned her attention to the two girls.
"Yeah! Ten dollars a piece!" Alessia explained.
"Cool, I'll take one."
Just as she opened the flap on her book bag, Camila spoke up.
"Wait. I'm pretty sure Shawn said he wanted to buy you your ticket himself."
Annalise rolled her eyes. "Well, he's not here and I can do things for myself." She pulled out her wallet and paid her own goddamn ticket.
Camila breathed out a laugh. "Are you ever gonna let him do anything nice for you?"
None of your fucking business.
A new thought occurred to Annalise. "Why are tickets being sold for this show? Aren't his gigs usually free?"
"There's more production going into this one," Brian told her. "The lounge gave him the option to make it a ticketed event, and we need to make back what we already put into it. So now, it won't be a performance, it'll be Shawn's performance."
Shawn already knew how to make an audience his bitch, but…
"Alright then." Annalise shrugged and then accepted her ticket and receipt from Alessia.
The ticket alone was already quite extravagant. There were little red roses designed around the edges. This boy really loved his fucking flowers.
"I'm guessing rose petals will fall from the ceiling or something?" she guessed with a chuckle.
"I was given strict orders to not spoil anything," Brian told her, folding his arms.
The two had a mini staredown until Annalise shrugged again. "Whatever."
Then, Camila piped up again, suddenly excited. "Ooh, Ann did you hear? Bella Santiago followed Shawn on Twitter!"
"She what?" Annalise stupidly replied.
Camila practically squealed. "She gave him a shoutout too! He's blowing up on Spotify! Isn't that awesome?"
Annalise wanted to say something, but her brain wasn't quite caught up yet. So she just walked away.
The other three students watched her leave. Needless to say, they were confused.
"Is she ever gonna be happy for him?" Alessia wondered.
"I think she was excited?" Camila said tilting her head.
"I can't believe Shawn is going through all this trouble for that," Brian said with a scoff.
"I can still hear you!" Annalise called over her shoulder as she kept walking.
All three of them went red in the face, embarrassed. Brian would have made a comment about her being a vampire with supersonic hearing, but he didn't want to be called out again.
_______
taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou  @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @goldenmndes @shawnvvmendes @shawnsunflower @shawmndes @ruinhoney @someoneunimportantxx @calyumthomas @yourdeflightfullyleft @havethetimeeofyourlifee @wronglanemendes @chillingbythesea @softmendesss @mutuallynotmutual
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inyournightmares97 · 6 years ago
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My Youth (Chapter 6)
Broken and miserable, Park Jinyoung returns to his hometown to learn that no matter how hard he falls, there are still people who think he’s a hero.
Warnings: Mentions of suicide/depression, death, angst, slow build, maybe some language.(Please don’t ask when I’ll update. Wait until the series is finished to read if you’re impatient.)
Word Count: 5.7k+
(Can’t put links to the other parts here, please check my Masterlist/the reblog for the Prologue and Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5)
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“-Mom, I’m busy,” Jinyoung muttered into the phone. He had been sitting in a crucial meeting with the Finance Director of GOT Tech and representatives of the Financial Regulatory Board. Receiving approval for his company to go public was one of the most critical and risky steps in Jinyoung’s career.
His mother, however, had been calling him constantly for the last twenty minutes.
Mrs. Park sounded upset. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung, dear. I just needed to reach you-”
“Mom, I’m in an extremely important meeting right now. Do you know how it looks when the Managing Director of GOT Group keeps getting calls from his mother during business meetings? What do you want from me?” Jinyoung demanded in a frustrated whisper, running his fingers through his hair. He tried not to let his agitation show on his face; the other high-profile attendees of the meeting could still see him through the glass wall of the conference room.
“Jinyoung, there’s been a terrible tragedy in town,” his mother began nervously. “I don’t… I don’t know how to tell you this, but i suppose there’s no easy way to talk about a death.  Remember I told you that I’ve been going to the hospital every day to meet-”
Jinyoung felt a burst of irritation. The clock was ticking. The Board members were waiting for him impatiently and he could see the disapproval on their faces. “Mom, did you call me to tell me that someone died?”
“Well… yes, but-”
“Mom, I have been preparing for this presentation for months. The future of my company depends on this meeting. This is absolutely the worst time you could have chosen to tell me something like this,” Jinyoung muttered through gritted teeth. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. “Please don’t mess up my focus right now. We can talk about this later. Do you need anything from me urgently?”
Mrs. Park hesitated. “You always seem to be busy these days. I just thought… if we could maybe help out with the funeral expenses or the hospital bills…”
Jinyoung closed his eyes. “Mom, you can just call my secretary for that. She’ll send you whatever amount you need. Send them flowers from me or something, okay? I have to go now.”
“Take care, Jinyoung, dear-”
“Bye, Mom.”
Jinyoung hung up and sighed, pressing his fingers to his temple. His personal secretary had followed him out of the room and was watching him nervously. He hadn’t even asked his mother who it was that had passed away. Was it somebody he knew? Maybe it was best that he didn’t think about it too much for now.
“Take my Mom’s call and ask her who died, send them money for the funeral and all those formalities,” Jinyoung told his secretary shortly. She nodded and made a note of it on her phone quickly while Jinyoung cleared his mind.
Focus. The presentation. The numbers.  
Jinyoung took a deep, calming breath and plastered a rehearsed smile on his face before he turned to enter the conference room once more.
“I’m so sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting,” Jinyoung greeted all the well-dressed men with a bright smile. “I hope you can forgive me. Mothers seem to have a knack for calling at the most inconvenient times, don’t they?”
The men chuckled politely. “That’s perfectly fine, Mr. Park.”
“May I begin the presentation?”
“Please, do.”
--------
Jinyoung believed that to achieve something great, you needed to make certain sacrifices.
He had always known that the path he was embarking upon was not an easy one. Establishing your own business meant that you didn't get off work at 5 pm sharp, you couldn’t spend your weekends at a countryside cabin or getting drinks with your friends. You needed to keep working until things got done. You needed to compete in the market. You needed to be strong enough to pick up after your losses and clever enough to make friends in the right places. People were depending on you.
Jinyoung hadn’t merely chosen a career, he had chosen a life.
A very lonely life.
Whenever his mother would call him and try to have a casual chat, Jinyoung would find himself irritated. Who cared whether Mrs. Lee from the grocery store was giving a discount on strawberry bread? What did it matter if Mr. Cha had been trying to sell his little farmland? There was important work to be done. Jinyoung needed to talk to the advertising agents to make sure his products were being launched properly, he needed to negotiate discounts with suppliers to ensure he could meet the planned pricing goals. There were employees relying on him. There were investors who had trusted him with their money. There were quarterly goals that had to be met.
Every second of Jinyoung’s time was precious. Why couldn’t everyone understand that? Why couldn’t his mother stop thinking that her tiny little world in this tiny little town was everything, and understand the importance of what her son was doing?
There are a limited number of hours every man has at his disposal. We each make a conscious choice regarding how to spend each one.
It was only now, standing in front of your mother’s grave, that Jinyoung came a terrifying realization.
He had made the wrong choices.
------
“It was heart failure,” Mrs. Park whispered.
Jinyoung’s hands clutched the cup of tea firmly. It was hot and uncomfortable, but not more than the sick feeling in his stomach. Every word his mother spoke made him feel more pathetic.
What had he been doing all those months while your mother was in hospital and when she’d died? Preparing for his company to go public? Sitting in meetings and sucking up to corporate officials? Only to be fired and thrown out of the company. Only to have missed the death of somebody who had trusted him and cared for him.
“But she couldn’t have been that old…” Jinyoung muttered.
Mrs. Park shook her head softly. “She’d always had a weak heart, Jinyoung. Her health was fragile and after her husband passed away she had no choice but to work to support her daughter. All those long hours and late nights for years… they took their toll in the end. She had her first stroke three years ago. She was in hospital for a few weeks and then she had the second one; the one that took her life.”
Jinyoung closed his eyes, remembering your mother in his mind’s eye.
“She always looked tired. And worried.”
“She was.” Mrs. Park reached out and placed a hand over her son’s nervously. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung. I should have told you about it sooner. But you were always so busy in Seoul, always doing important things. It never seemed like the right time to tell you about something so devastating. It’s my fault.”
Jinyoung let out a small scoff. “Don’t take the blame on yourself. That doesn’t help me.”
Mrs. Park looked upset. “Jinyoung-”
She was interrupted by a loud knocking at the front door. Jinyoung closed his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temple while he listened to his father go to the door and yell at the person on the other side. The reporters had already found his home address. They had started arriving one-by-one since this morning. Each of them desperately wanted an interview with Park Jinyoung, the man who had lost his empire overnight. They wanted to know what he had to say about his dismissal from his own company.
Mr. Park re-entered the living room and sighed. “They’re getting more persistent. I think I should call the local police before they start trying to shove their way into our house.”
Jinyoung nodded and stood up. “I’ll go down to the police station myself and ask them to send someone to deal with this harrassment. Mom, you’ve told everyone we know to deny any reporters who request them for an interview, right?”
“Yes, but is it really a good idea for you to be going outside now-”
“I think I’ll lose my mind if I stay indoors,” Jinyoung muttered. He grabbed the black hoodie that was slung over the back of the sofa and glanced at his parents. They were both looking at him with wide, worried eyes.
Jinyoung felt a sudden wave of guilt wash over him; why should they have to deal with so much because of his mistakes? Why was he always the one taking and yet never giving?
“I’m sorry,” he apologized softly. “I’ll try and be back for dinner.”
------
Jinyoung’s legs carried him naturally towards the elementary school.
Perhaps it was a subconscious urge to see you, even though he had no idea what he would say if you really appeared before him. Anything Jinyoung could have said to help should have been said three years ago. Words like I’m sorry seemed like an insensitive joke at this point; too little and far too late.
Jinyoung sat silently on the bench by the schoolyard with his face covered by his dark hoodie, and wondered how his life had brought him to this point.
Left with nothing with shame.
“Ahjussi!”
By the time Jinyoung looked up, there was already a tiny figure running straight towards him at full speed. He flinched and braced himself for the impact; only to have the small boy stop centimetres away from him and throw his arms around him happily. Jinyoung stiffened.
“What-”
“Ahjussi, you are Park Jinyoung!” Ki-woo cried delightedly. The boy was beaming. Jinyoung noticed for the first time that one of his front teeth was missing, but it was still one of the brightest smiles he had ever seen. “Miss told me yesterday! Why did you lie and say you weren't? I can’t believe the King of the Playground walked me home after school and I didn’t even know!”
Jinyoung couldn’t resist a small smile. The sight of the little boy bouncing on his feet warmed him for a moment and he patted Ki-woo on the head. “If somebody asked Clark Kent if he was Superman, he wouldn’t say yes, now would he?”
Ki-woo’s eyes widened in understanding. “Wow. That’s so true! You’re so cool!”
“You’ll have to keep my secret.”
“Of course I will! Ahjussi, can you tell me how you did it? How did you manage to climb the oak tree?” Ki-woo demanded, grabbing Jinyoung’s arm and tugging on it eagerly. “You have to tell me, you just have to! Were you really tall?”
Jinyoung blinked. “Tall? Not particularly…”
“Then how? How did you do it?”
Jinyoung opened his mouth to respond but he was cut off by a loud yell. He had been so preoccupied with Ki-woo that he hadn’t noticed the much larger man that was making his way across the school yard. Jackson Wang had a huge smile on his face and without greeting, he threw his arms around Jinyoung in a fierce hug.
“Park Jinyoung! Look who finally decided to grace us with his presence!” Jackson cried happily. He pulled back and noticed the blank look on Jinyoung’s face. With a frown, he pointed to himself eagerly. “Remember me? Jackson! Jackson Wang! You used to pass me all the answers in History class!”
Jinyoung swallowed. “Uh…”
“Mr. Wang, you’re friends with Park Jinyoung?” Ki-woo asked, his mouth gaping open.
Jackson blinked and looked down at the boy sheepishly. “Ah, Ki-woo. I didn’t see you down there. Didn’t your teacher tell you to wait inside until someone came to pick you up? Go back indoors now.”
Ki-woo pouted. “But-”
“Nope. Back inside. Now.”
Jackson waited until Ki-woo began to slouch back towards the school building and then turned back to Jinyoung. “Man, you’re pretty much the celebrity around these parts now, eh? We had a couple of reporters come by the school this morning, asking for anyone who used to know you. You have nothing to worry about! I scared them off. These babies aren’t here for nothing,” Jackson beamed and flexed his bare bicep.
Jinyoung didn’t really know how to respond. “Nice.”
Jackson narrowed his eyes. “You do remember me, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, of course-”
“We should get drinks sometime and catch up now that you’re back in town! Man, I really owe you. You did me a solid one that Christmas before you left, remember? I’ll buy you a couple of beers at the pub. What’s your phone number?” Jackson demanded.
“I don’t really have a phone right now…”
“Don’t have a phone?” Jackson looked confused. “Weird but okay. I guess I can always ask Miss First Grade to get in touch with you. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me you were back in town!” he cried, slapping Jinyoung’s arm playfully. “Hold on… you’re here to see her, aren’t you?”
Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Not exactly…”
Jackson chuckled knowingly. “No worries, man. I’ve got your back. I need to go inside and take care of the kids now, so I’ll tell her to come out and meet you here, yeah? Let me know if any more of those reporters come around. I’ll take handle them for you!”
Jinyoung forced a smile. “Thanks-”
“No problem, man. It’s what friends are for. We’ll catch up soon!”
“Sure.”
Jinyoung watched Jackson half-run back to the school building, letting out a sigh of relief. Each person he came across in this town seemed to remember something about him and the one who possessed the most dangerous knowledge was Jackson Wang. In addition to having been the resident supplier of inappropriate magazines and the one who’d convinced Jinyoung to try his first cigarette behind the park back in high school, Jackson simply knew a little too much about everybody.
Jinyoung sat down on the bench and took a deep breath. He just realized that Jackson had said he would send you out to meet him. Why hadn’t he told him not to? He wasn’t prepared to face you. Idiot.
It was a few minutes before you emerged from the school building and walked towards Jinyoung. There was a pleasant smile on your face as you approached, and it made Jinyoung’s stomach turn. How could you smile at him like that? How could you be so calm about everything?
“Jinyoung,” you greeted him, confused. “Should you be roaming around out here? There are reporters buzzing all around town.”
Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Uh. Yeah, I know. Jackson said he drove them away...”
You rolled your eyes. “That idiot Jackson Wang? He was fully prepared to seize his five minutes of fame by telling them how you used to help him cheat in History class. I had to step in and force him to deny the request for an interview,” you muttered. Jinyoung’s eyes widened and you gave him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. I sent a message to the principal of the middle school and the high school. Nobody’s going to give any interviews about you.”
Jinyoung felt small.
“Thanks,” he muttered.
“Did they find your house?”
“Yeah. They’ve been knocking the door all day. It’s really starting to bother Mom and Dad.”
Your expression was sympathetic. “Should I call the police?”
“Don’t worry. I was going to go down to the station myself and ask them to send someone to get rid of the reporters,” Jinyoung reassured you. He felt his heartbeat thump wildly as he looked at your gently smiling face. Should he say it? Should he talk about the elephant in the room? Even though he hadn’t prepared what to say?
“About… about last night…”
You blinked. “Yeah?”
He sighed. “About your mother. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I know that’s no excuse, but I should have been there and-”
You cut him off with a forced smile. “Jinyoung. It’s okay. It’s not like you could have done anything for her even if you were here, you’re not a doctor. Everyone did the best they could.”
Jinyoung swallowed. “I might not have been able to help her. But… I should have been there for you.”
The smile dropped from your face. What could you say? Jinyoung’s eyes were filled with shame but it wasn’t the right time for him to be offering condolences. That time had long passed.
But you still remembered his words from last night as he’d hugged you. I don’t feel as alone when I’m here. Jinyoung had been through so much. How could you say anything to such a broken man except for it’s okay? How could you offer him anything but comfort when he had nobody but you?
How could you not be the bigger person when he was suffering?
“It’s fine, Jinyoung,” you promised him softly. “You don’t need to worry about it.”
“How can I not-”
“Seriously. Please. It’s in the past and nobody was to blame. It happened around the time your company was going public, so I can only imagine how chaotic your life and work must have been back then. I don’t resent you.”
Jinyoung looked up at you in disbelief. “How can you not?”
“I just… don’t. It’s fine.”
“Do you really mean that? Do you really mean that?” he demanded.
“I do,” you insisted firmly. You glanced at your watch and sighed. “Wow, it’s getting late. We have a PTA fundraiser at school tonight so I need to start setting up. Oh! Did you bring my bicycle by any chance?” you asked him hopefully.
Jinyoung shook his head. “Uh, no. The reporters were in front of my house so I slipped out through the back…”
“Can you drop it by the school later? I’m going to staying back pretty late because I have to wrap up after the event is over. It might even take till midnight and the buses stop running at 9 so I need a way to get home. It’s not too much trouble, is it?”
“No, that’s fine. I’ll drop it off here later.”
You gave him a small smile as you turned to go back indoors. “Bye, Jinyoung.”
“Bye.”
---------------------------
The PTA fundraiser left you drained of energy.
You would much rather have dealt with a hundred kids at once than with a handful of parents. At least kids could be made to see reason, they could be convinced with a little bit of logic (however flawed). Adults, on the other hand, believed that they knew best and that things had to be done exactly the way they wanted. Adults were unreasonable. Adults liked to throw around their authority.
You had never wanted to get into bed so badly.
You stayed back late to clean up after the fundraiser was over. It wasn’t required of you, but it was something that you somehow ended up volunteering to do. All the other teachers had families to go home to and kids to take care of. You only had an empty apartment.
Asking them to stay back instead of you felt selfish.
You slung your bag over your shoulder and trudged out into the parking lot to see that the bicycle racks were empty. Shit. Had Jinyoung forgotten to leave the bicycle behind for you? Where was he?
You pulled out your cell phone and then sighed. Damn Park Jinyoung. He didn’t even have a stupid phone. It was far past the time that Mr. and Mrs. Park would have gone to bed and you didn't want to wake them by calling them. But your apartment was too far to walk and you would have to pass by the pub; you had no interest in meeting the town’s drunkards alone in those narrow alleys  at midnight.
You sighed and dialled another number.
“Jackson, hey. I’m so sorry, I know you just left a little while ago, but…”
-------------------
It was 1am when you heard a loud banging on your front door.
You had just finished taking a shower and were getting ready to slip into bed when the noise began. Your heartbeat racing, you grabbed hold of a kitchen knife quickly and then slowly approached your door.
“Who’s there?” you yelled out, voice shaking.
The voice that replied was muffled. “Jinyoung!”
Jinyoung? At this time of night?
You opened the door carefully. The first thing that hit you was the awful smell; Jinyoung stank of sweat and cheap beer. His eyes were red and his face flushed as he looked at you almost wildly.
“Are you okay?” he demanded, grabbing your shoulders to look at you properly. His hands were trembling and he seemed unaware of how loud his voice was. “Are you all right? I was looking for you everywhere!”
You raised an eyebrow at him. “Wow, you’re drunk.”
Jinyoung’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry- I’m so, so, sorry-”
“How about you come inside before you bring my neighbours running over with all of your noise?” you snapped. You had little patience for drunks, and knowing that Jinyoung had been out getting drunk instead of returning your bicycle did not please you. “Where have you been?”
Jinyoung stared at you helplessly, his arms waving around as he spoke. “I-I was just going to get one drink, I swear. But it led to another and I totally forgot about your bike and I was so scared that you might have walked home because I know that path passes by the pub and it’s not safe-”
“Relax,” you told Jinyoung as you guided him gently towards your couch. “I didn't walk. I called Jackson, he drove me home.”
“Jackson? Wang? Why? Are you guys close?” he asked, plopping down heavily on the couch.
You shrugged. “He’s a good friend.”
Jinyoung paused for a moment and then hung his head quietly.
“We used to be good friends.”
You looked down at Jinyoung properly. He was a wreck. His dark hair was a tangled mess and the light blue dress shirt he was wearing was wrinkled with a beer stain on it. There were even large sweat stains under his arms; he’d probably cycled all the way here in a panic.
And he’s one of the Most Eligible Bachelors under 40. If only the magazine had seen him like this.
“We’re still friends,” you told him lightly. “Although it wouldn’t do any harm to return my bicycle when I ask for it. Do you want a glass of water?”
Jinyoung blinked at you dazedly. “Do you have beer?”
“Absolutely not. Haven’t you had enough?”
His lower lip pouted slightly as he stared down at the floor. “I’ve been drinking all evening but I haven’t reached the point where I feel good or forget about my problems yet. In fact, I keep thinking about them even more. How about a cigarette?”
“You will not smoke in my house,” you told him with a firm glare.
To your surprise, Jinyoung suddenly smiled. It was only a gentle curve of his lips but you spotted it and frowned at him with your arms folded across your chest. “Are you feeling proud of yourself right now? Do you think your behaviour is something to laugh about?” you demanded.
Jinyoung looked up at you softly. “No.”
“Then why are you-”
“Because this is the first time you’ve given me that look since I came back,” Jinyoung admitted quietly. His voice trembled. “This is the first time you got angry at me. You don’t seem to get angry at me anymore.”
You didn’t understand. “Why would you want me to be angry at you-”
“Because you have to be angry with someone before you can forgive them. You have to first admit that they hurt you or that they did something wrong, and only then can you begin to repair your relationship,” Jinyoung whispered. He looked up at you and you could see the tears brimming in his eyes. “So tell me honestly. Have you forgiven me already?”
You swallowed. “I was never mad at you to begin with-”
“You’re lying.”
You clenched your fists as your heartbeat thudded. “I’m not lying. You’re drunk. You should drink some water and you can sleep on the couch-”
Jinyoung looked up at you, his eyes bloodshot yet surprisingly clear. “You are lying. Either you’re lying or you’re not the same girl I remember.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because the girl I knew wouldn’t have pretended to forgive a friend to spare his feelings. She would have grabbed me by the shirt, looked me in the eye, and said Park Jinyoung, you’re an absolute bastard for leaving me here when I was having a hard time. She wouldn’t have spared my feelings. She would have expected me to be there for her because that’s what friends do. They count on each other.”
You closed your eyes. How had Jinyoung seen right through you? Even after 10 years, how could he see through you like you were made of glass?
“I’m not angry,” you tried to tell him slowly, even though you weren’t sure who you were convincing anymore. “Because I never expected you to be there. You were busy and I had no expectations-”
Jinyoung scoffed. “You’re lying again.”
“I’m not-”
“You are. Friendship is when you help someone, because you trust that they would do the same for you. What you’re doing for me isn’t friendship. You don’t trust me anymore. If you have no expectations from me, then that’s charity!” Jinyoung spat out. Tears were brimming in his eyes and his voice was choked. “Is that what I am to you? Charity?”
You clenched your fists and let out a small, humourless laugh. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”
“What?”
“Where the fuck do you get off accusing me of treating you like charity? After what you did?” you snapped.
Jinyoung stared at you blankly. “Tell me.”
Your throat closed up. You didn’t want to talk about it. You didn’t want to drag yourself back to what had been the lowest point of your life, especially not in front of Jinyoung. You didn’t know who he was to you anymore. How could you open up to him?
“I can’t,” you muttered. “I don’t want to talk about it, Jinyoung.”
“Please,” Jinyoung whispered. “Please. At least tell me I was a terrible friend for not being there. Tell me I was a terrible friend for not even knowing about your mother.”
You took a deep breath and sat down, your knees feeling weak. You had never imagined that you would have to sit next to Jinyoung and say these words to him while he was drunk. Yet, as his dark eyes pierced into yours, he looked more sober than ever.
“It was my fault she died,” you whispered, shakily. “I know how hard my Mom worked to raise me. I know how much she struggled after my Dad passed away. The doctor told me her heart attack was probably caused by stress- years of it. She was growing old but she’d never even gone for a health check-up because we couldn’t afford it.”
Jinyoung stared at you silently.
“I needed someone to say this to back then,” you admitted quietly. “I needed someone who would listen to me and who wouldn’t try to convince me that it wasn’t my fault or that I didn't do anything wrong. That’s what everyone kept doing. They kept trying to comfort me but I just wanted someone who would listen. I wanted you,” you mumbled.
Jinyoung only nodded. His hands reached out to take both of yours. He grasped them tightly.
“I knew you were busy, but I always had this hope that maybe you would come to the funeral,” you whispered. “I thought… surely, whatever I did to make you cut me off, it wasn’t so bad that you wouldn't even turn up to my mother’s funeral. But the truth was that I couldn’t grieve properly because the hospital was hounding me about the bills, I…”
You took a deep breath. You hated thinking about those moments. You had felt so helpless and alone, backed into a corner. “I don’t think it even sank in that my mother was dead until a few days later,” you mumbled. “ I spent the first day wondering how the hell I was going to pay the hospital bills instead of thinking about her. Your mother tried comforting me, she told me it would all be fine and that she would call you for help.”
Jinyoung closed his eyes; tears were clinging to his eyelashes.
“She did,” he mumbled.
You felt the walls around you come crashing down as you looked at the broken man in front of you. You remembered how badly you’d wanted to see him then, how much you’d craved his comfort. You remembered how furious you had been when you realized that Jinyoung had abandoned you.
“I thought you would call,” you mumbled. “I didn’t want to disturb you but at the same time I trusted that you wouldn’t leave me alone at a time like that.”
Jinyoung’s voice was soft. “I’m sorry.”
“It would have been better if you hadn't done anything at all,” you mumbled. “Maybe then I could have forgotten about it in the mess that I was going through. But you didn’t. I got a call from your secretary the night before the funeral.”
Jinyoung lowered his head. His hands were trembling even as they held yours and you could hear his soft sniffle. “Shit,” he muttered, his voice thick with tears. “Shit, I can’t believe-”
“I thought you’d finally called. But it wasn’t you. I had to hear some strange woman tell me over the phone that Park Jinyoung is sorry he can’t make it to the funeral but he sends his condolences,” you choked out. You smiled humorlessly. “As if I was some distance acquaintance you barely knew. You sent me your condolences through your secretary.”
“I didn’t- I didn’t know it was you…”
“And then she told me that if I would just email her a copy of the hospital and funeral bills then all the expenses would be taken care of,” you mumbled. “She said that she could send me as much as I needed, no limit. I was so embarrassed. I wanted-I wanted to tell her that you could go fuck yourself and that I didn’t want your condolences and your money. I wanted to refuse so badly, but…”
You hung your head in shame. “But I couldn’t,” you whispered. “I couldn’t say that to her because it was true. I had no other way of paying those bills. So I sent her the details and I let you pay for them. Whether you know it or not, you paid for all my mother’s hospital bills and funeral while I sat here and wondered how I had become such a worthless daughter.”
Jinyoung’s hands clasped yours so tightly that it hurt. His shoulders were shaking and you could see the sobs racking his chest. “I didn’t mean to-” he sobbed. Jinyoung’s tears landed on your clasped hands. “I didn’t mean to, I swear…”
You slowly removed your hands from his. “I have the accounts,” you muttered. “I’ve been saving up to pay you back. It might take me a few more years but-”
Jinyoung flinched. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s not open to discussion, Jinyoung.”
“Don’t say you’ll pay me back, please-”
“I will pay you back,” you said firmly. You took a deep breath. “You know why? Because I might be able to forgive you for not being there when I needed you. But I will never, never forget how cheap I felt the moment I ended that phone call. So don’t talk to me about charity; I know how it feels to be on the other end of it.”
Jinyoung closed his eyes. He felt light-headed and blank as he thought about everything you’d said. No wonder you didn’t consider him a friend. No wonder you couldn't bring yourself to be honest with him. No wonder there was something fake and forced about your every smile.
Jinyoung hadn’t just messed up.
He had destroyed something precious to him without even realizing it.
“It’s late,” you mumbled after a brief silence. “You should go to sleep. Here, just; make yourself comfortable on the couch and I’ll get you a blanket and some pillows.”
Jinyoung swallowed. “I-I can’t…”
“You’re not going anywhere at this time of night while you’re drunk,” you told him. You pushed him lightly so that he leaned back against the sofa. “Stay put. I’ll be back. I think we’ve talked enough for tonight.”
“Can you just promise me one thing?” Jinyoung asked quietly.
“What’s that?”
“Even if you don’t consider me your friend anymore, even if you’re just being nice to me because you’re that kind of a caring person… don’t give up on me completely.” Jinyoung looked up at you desperately. “Please. Tell me that I can fix things. Tell me I haven’t broken our friendship and my life beyond repair.”
You looked down at him. Lying on your couch in his crumpled dress shirt and the beer stains, Jinyoung looked pathetic. Perhaps it was because you’d finally let out all the resentment you’d been bottling up for so long. Perhaps it was because, looking into Jinyoung’s eyes now, you could see that he did care. But you suddenly didn’t feel so hollow anymore.
You didn’t feel so lonely in your pain.
“Everything can be fixed, Jinyoung,” you told him softly.
“Even us?” he mumbled.
You nodded. “Even us.”
“Even me?”
“Especially you.”
Jinyoung slowly closed his eyes and you went into the other room to get him a spare pillow and a blanket. He let you place the pillow under his head and snuggled into the soft blanket. You turned to switch off the light when you heard him mumble.
“You know something?”
“What, Jinyoung?”
“I thought that the most unbearable thing about being fired from the company was all the effort I’d put into it. I thought I couldn’t bear it because I’d done so much for it for the years,” he said slowly.
You blinked at his curled up figure under the blanket.
“But it’s not?” you asked.
Jinyoung shook his head. “It’s not how much I’ve done for the company that I can’t bear. It’s how much I sacrificed for it.”
-------------------
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blame-canada · 8 years ago
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At The Start - Creek
Craig and Tweek are young, in love, and not at all prepared for the rest of their lives. The first Walmart trip that inevitably comes on move-in day is only the start.
This was a fic that was originally (somewhat) requested by my dear friend @creekfucker, to whom I apologize for taking so long to finish this! I hope you still like it, months later. The working title for this fic was ‘hi im tweek tweak and he's craig tucker and welcome to jackass’- just a fun fact. Enjoy!
“Okay, you got the list?” Tweek bit at his thumb, pausing a moment to let the automatic doors sense his weight and part for him to enter.
Craig didn’t look away from his phone, but he tilted it up to gesture with it. “Got the list.” He clicked out of the random email he was clearing from his inbox and switched over to the note he and Tweek had carefully written out a few hours before. A rush of air conditioning assaulted his face, and when he looked up he caught an eyeful of fluorescent, painfully unnatural lights.
They’d forgotten more than a couple essentials before they moved into their new apartment.
In their defense, neither of them had done it before. The closest Craig had ever gotten was a dorm room in college, and Tweek had only ever commuted to school. ‘New’ was a very nice way to put it too- it was, in all honesty, a sad excuse for a home, but their budget was low enough that they couldn’t quite afford to be picky. At least this one didn’t have water stains all over the ceiling or a busted up window, and Tweek didn’t feel like the protagonist of a horror movie when he walked through the neighborhood to test the waters.
Who even thought of a shower curtain when they moved out? Nobody, Craig was convinced.
He scrolled through the list quickly, scanning for which sections of the store they had to visit (most of them) before he clicked his phone off and smiled, shaking his head to himself. “It’s a shame,” he said, an open invitation, and Tweek took the bait, looking over his shoulder at him while he dislodged a shopping cart from the messy chain shoved up against the wall.
“Uh, w-what is?”
Craig’s smirk grew even wider, and he said, “That you thought this was going to be a productive shopping trip.”
With that, he hip-checked Tweek away from the cart, hijacked control of the rickety contraption, and surged forward with his hands firmly planted at the ends of the handlebar. Tweek made a strangled noise of distress but Craig had already started to pick up speed, letting his strides match the growing momentum of the cart as it barreled forward into the throes of the store.
“Craig you god dam—Craig, w-what the fu—what are you doing?” Tweek asked, stumbling around swear words so clumsily he may as well have shouted them anyway. He had to hop a little faster than Craig to keep up, and his face was turning cherry red from a combination of nerves, embarrassment, and sudden physical strain.
Craig tried his hardest to keep his straightest face when he replied, “Shopping.”
“You-! You asshole,” Tweek hissed, reaching to grab him by the arm and hook himself onto it, dragging alongside him to get the cart to slow down. “Quit it!”
“Okay,” Craig said with a shrug, and he dramatically lifted both hands from the cart to let it fly forward unmanned. Tweek gasped and jumped ahead to grab it before it careened right into a kiosk full of cheap jewelry nobody ever bought.
Tweek paused, his back to Craig, and for one fleeting moment Craig felt rather certain he was going to die. Tweek looked over his shoulder, and scathed, “Behave.”
“Nah,” Craig replied, and he pointed northwest. “The shower curtains are probably down here.” Tweek grumbled irritated nonsense to himself, but Craig saw the smile he was desperately trying to hide. That meant he wasn’t completely in the dog house yet, which boded well.
Walking through the store with Tweek had a strange feeling attached to it that he couldn’t quite define. They’d gone on trips before, of course, to grab snacks or run an errand for their parents here and there, but it felt different with a brand new key resting in his right pocket. It was a key to a place where Tweek would be beside him every day, and the thought made him so anxious and so excited that the only way that made sense to release that energy at the time was to annoy the fuck out of his boyfriend at Walmart.
“Clear or white?” Tweek asked, effectively slamming the brakes on his daydreaming, and he looked over to see him holding up two nearly identical packages.
“I mean, I don’t mind a show, but if we ever have guests I dunno how they’ll feel about the clear.” Tweek turned red and Craig internally pat himself on the back while he shrugged. Nice.
“This is the liner, Craig, not the actual curtain. No one’s gonna see this part!”
“Oh,” he said. “Who cares, then..?”
Tweek rolled his eyes and tossed the clear one into their cart, replacing the other on its hook. “You’re killing me,” he moaned, stomping his feet a little in a tantrum.
“You love it,” Craig replied, and when Tweek huffed, he accepted it as a victory.
“Can we do food next?” Tweek asked, and when he shrugged in agreement, he smiled and took hold of the end of the cart, steering it toward the food aisles. Sometimes, watching Tweek do nothing at all made Craig feel a certain kind of weird. It was the kind of feeling that made him smile involuntarily, and his hand itch with the desire to take his. He guessed it was love, probably, but like, a lot more of it all at once. It was kind of great. Watching Tweek pull the cart, his back to him, his hair swirled more erratically than most days, Craig felt an awful lot of that feeling. Maybe one day, after living together for a little while, he’d feel more comfortable talking about and expressing it. For now, though, it came out in bouts of ruthless teasing.
“Hey Craig,” Tweek snorted, giggling quietly, “Craig, h-hey—”
“What?”
“Do you think I’d fit in this?” His finger trembled from contained laughter as it pointed to the bottom shelf of a display of what appeared to be dog beds.
“Hmm”—he clicked his tongue—“not without difficulty. You’ll have to take into account the height of the shelf.”
Tweek raised his fist to his mouth, rubbing his knuckles under his nose while he thought. “Yeah, but also the bed will get smaller when I lay on it, assuming it’s as fluffy as it looks. Bet you two thingies of ice cream I can make it work.”
Craig raised his brows, the wager proving steep, but he was feeling confident that it would at least be endlessly amusing to watch him try to shove himself into a shelf. “Deal.”
Tweek rubbed his hands together and paused to let out a few more cackles. Craig looked around quickly, suddenly very aware of where they were because it was different when he was misbehaving. “Come on, go,” he urged, and Tweek rolled his eyes.
“Don’t be so nervous, I’ve seen worse. Actually, remember that video where those guys made like, a-a whole apartment in the toilet paper aisle or something? Man, I’ve always wanted to do that—”
Craig raised his hand, cutting him off. “While your enthusiasm is admirable, we do still have shit to do at the apartment. We resolve the bet, and then we get groceries.”
Tweek whined at him and scowled. “You got to be a little shit earlier,” he grumbled, and he got on his knees to crawl into the shelf. He pressed down on the bed, testing its resistance, and when it gave way easily and created a lot more space between the bed and the next shelf, he looked back at Craig with his eyebrows raised and a shit-eating grin. “I’m making you buy flavors you don’t like,” he said, snickering, and Craig crossed his arms.
“Just do it, Jesus Christ,” he muttered, now nervous about his chances of winning, and Tweek shrugged his shoulders and got into a crawling position.
“Should I like, match the shape and then try to slide in? Tetris it? I think that might work.”
“We’re in a bet. I’m not helping.”
“What if I get s-stuck!”
“Then you lose the bet and I leave here with two extra thingies of ice cream.” Tweek made an ugly snarling sound of irritation, and Craig did his best to contain laughter, though his shoulders still shook a few times. Tweek aligned himself with the bed, put both his left limbs out, and started pushing himself inside.
“I’m gonna do it. Dude, this is the easiest bet I’ve ever won,” Tweek said, and he wiggled around on his stomach to get himself deeper into the shelf and onto the dog bed. His head disappeared, then his shoulder, then his arm, and it wasn’t until he was completely hidden from view that he said, “Yes!” and cheered through the muffling caused by the fluff.
Craig took a moment to stare, note how well Tweek was hiding in the fluffy dog bed abyss, and check their list before he cleared his throat and announced, just loud enough for Tweek’s compromised ears to hear, “Goodbye, Tweek.”
He heard a distorted voice shriek, “What?!” The dog beds started to move and Craig ran around the end of the cart to grab the handle and dash away, looking over his shoulder and watching Tweek’s limbs thrash out from the shelf like some sort of eldritch horror beast. Craig stopped at the end of the aisle just so he could watch him struggle, no longer attempting to hold in his laughter, and Tweek’s flailing limbs slowly eased out of the shelf. He could only guess what sort of expletives he was spewing as he fought to escape from his own prison. As soon as his head was free, he yelled, “Craig!” and Craig ducked around the corner of the aisle, a rush of silly fear striking his chest like a cheap thrill. When he straightened his cart a mom with a drooling baby in the front basket glared at him, and he gave his best mild-mannered smile. Then his boyfriend whipped around the corner.
He was breathing unusually heavily, his hair staticky and reaching impressively well for the ceiling, and his clothes wildly askew. “What the fuck, Craig,” he said, and when the mother shot him an even nastier glare, he rolled his eyes, and said, “Calm down, it’s too young to understand human speech anyway.” She let out a disturbed gasp and hurried away from the aisle, clearly angry. Craig felt very in love with him after that. As soon as she was far enough away and the aisle was empty, Tweek punched Craig’s arm. “You left me there to fend for myself. I coulda been stuck!”
“Yeah, but you weren’t.” Craig bit back the grin he was desperately trying to contain, but it wasn’t working, and he finally just let himself chuckle as he brushed Tweek’s hair down and straightened his shirt.
Tweek swatted at his invasive arms. “You don’t have to groom me, Jesus Christ,” but he smiled anyway, and he didn’t object when Craig slipped a hand down to clasp his at their sides.
“What flavors do you want? I’m a man of my word,” Craig said, and Tweek thought about it, scratching at his chin while he held some thrilling debate in his mind.
“Wanna just get the usual?” he suggested, his smile earnest.
“Didn’t you want to get flavors I don’t like?”
“You like pretty much anything,” Tweek admitted, “a-and I’m feeling particularly generous.”
“Well then.” Craig released his hold on the shopping cart and Tweek’s hand to clap his hands together, and said, “One Cherry Garcia and one Coffee Toffee Bar Crunch it is.”
With the promise of ice cream to load into their new and empty freezer, they rolled to the grocery section of the store with enthusiasm and excitement buzzing on their nerves, because they were finally moving in together, and life was good. After a few more chases down aisles and giggle fits to earn the glares of several old people, they paid an unfortunately steep price at the register, and Craig’s stomach did flips while he thought about the simple but beautiful fact that he was driving home. Their hands met above the center console of his car. Craig twisted the steering wheel left, comforted that in time such a motion would become wonderfully second-nature.
Craig took pictures of Tweek turning the apartment key, and they ate pints of ice cream on their bare kitchen floor.
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sakuurae · 8 years ago
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any writing tips u can share?? i adore your work so much, just the way everythings described flows so nicely~
Mmmm, im not the best with this, but ill try ^~^ thank you by the way! Ehehe, it means a lot.This advice will go on like stepping stones, haha.
1. This is probably the most broad thing i can say, but just keep on writing. When i used to tutor creative writing (or english as a whole, lol) i met a lot of students who were so focused on sculpting their writing to perfection, and the purpose of it was lost along the way. This happens a lot, from what ive seen, in creative writing. I feel as if when writers are more focused on creation their pieces to perfection in hopes of it being acknowledged and seen, theyre not writing for themselves anymore; thus, this leads into the second piece of advice. Practice makes perfect. Everything that you will write you are improving in every single piece—even if you dont realize it. The things ive written two weeks ago make me cringe, but thats a sign of improvement.
Work with your strengths, and improve your weaknesses.
Go back and read your old work so you can see what you like and dont like—what you should improve on or keep doing.
2. Write for yourself. The value of your work is so much more when you write for yourself because it makes you happy.
Moving onto the composition work…
1. Vocabulary bank. It takes a while to build up a wide vocabulary bank, but its worth it. In my opinion, its more engrossing to read a piece with a lot of high vocabulary over the simple words. It bumps up everything, and if theres a good sentence flow then its a plus.
I studied word lists everyday, and i always do every other day because i want to keep on building up my vocab. They are always out there, and its a total helper!!
For me, id rather read an entire piece that was written like an SRI test over pieces that dont have that much high lexicon.
This also becomes the case for the word said. There are many words out there to use aside said, like drones, equivocates, gasps, jeers, etc.
Ex: “He wanted to tell her the truth.” ➝ “He had an urge to apprise her of the concerning verities.”
2. Sentence structure. Some sentences are far too shot, and some are really extensive (and do not have commas, semi-colons—oh my goodness). Now, sentences dont always have to be extremely long; there should be a variety. Itll make the paragraph flow more, and you can get the emphasis where you want on certain places.
Ex: “His eyes shined under the darkness of the night. The smile that graced his face warmed you from the heart. And it was not an everyday occurrence for that to take place.” ➝ “The smile that graced his face made his eyes crinkle into crescent moons, the glint evident in his two orbs. It warmed you from the inside—his beaming grin—and it was not often you felt this from another individual.”
Speaking on this, try to not use the same prominent word twice in one sentence.
Ex: “He turned the paper face down, turning his head to face his friend.” ➝ “He turned the paper over, tilting his head to address his friend.”
3. Being metaphorical. Im not really sure how to elaborate on this; i guess it provides more depth/character to the paragraph?? Aah, heres an example instead.
Ex: “The sky was a calming blue, the cluster of brilliant stars surreal to your eyes.” ➝ “The curtain of aegean draped over the muted sky, golden pins splaying upon the surface.”
4. Adjectives. It bumps up your sentences—trust me. With more details, it becomes easier to picture in your mind. Have you read a smut without adjectives, and another smut with? The difference is quite prominent because with one you can imagine the scene with more detail, and the other not as well.
Ex: “His member was twitching, the pleasure of being inside you unbearable.” ➝ “His stiff member was twitching uncontrollably, the overwhelming pleasure of being inside you borderline unbearable.”
or
“Sweat dripped from his forehead.” ➝ “Beads of sweat slowly dripped from his forehead.”
But try to not be heavy on the adjectives… i still struggle with this, haha, but i think many readers can tell if you have a thesaurus in hand or not.
5. Paragraph breaks. This might not seem like a biggie, and it is completely up to you when you decide to break paragraphs, but there are times that one must paragraph break… like with dialogues or setting changes, or when a new character is introduced. Please… avoid the block… oh my goodness…
6. This might be a me thing… but go into detail with the actions. To say this under a brighter light, imagine this: actions during a kiss scene. When you kiss someone, you and the other’s mouths arent the only thing that are moving, and the touch of the lips arent the only thing youre feeling. 
Ex: “He pressed his lips against yours, his mouth prancing to the melody of your heartbeat.” (and thats it) ➝ “He pressed his lips against your own, his mouth prancing to the melody of your heartbeat as his hands trace the outline of your body. You palm snakes up his back, only to place it on the nape of his neck to tug him closer. At such a closed proximity, you noticed something else: his scent. There was a swirl of cinnamon and vanilla that intoxicated your senses… etc.”
What im trying to say is that going into some detail, brief or not, about actions will add more sparkle into the paragraph—especially dialogue.
Ex: “’You’re kidding me,’ he groaned, flailing his arms in the air animatedly. He was in a disbelief at the sudden news, lodged at a crossroads on how to respond. ‘You’re fucking kidding me!’
You took a step back, placing a fist over your heart cautiously. ‘I-I’m sorry,’ you uttered weakly, tears pooling at your eyes. ‘I didn’t mean to.’”
Obviously the apostrophes wont be there in the final product, lol, it would perturb me if i didnt write that grammatically correct, ahaha.
Think of these composition levels as a pyramid. From letters, to words, to sentences, to paragraphs, the purpose of the piece, etc. The letters would be the bottom. So if you mess up at the bottom of the pyramid, the rest is disrupted. I read over a paper before where the first and second base were horrendous, and i was correcting it so much. The student came up to me and asked me what i thought about the message of the piece, but i actually paused and thought. I was so focused on correcting the mistakes—paying attention to the mistakes—to the point i missed the entire purpose of the piece. So, honestly, proofreading will be your best friend here.
All of this falls under the tab of your style. Remember, dont try to force out word after word to sculpt your piece into perfection. Work with your strengths, find your weaknesses and improve.
On the finding inspiration and keeping motivation side…
1. Work at your own pace. Do what makes you feel like your best work will be exhibited, and dont let other deadlines push you at your limit. Personal deadlines would most likely take the fun out of your writing process, and you might miss some particulars youd wish to convey—so dont rush! Trust me on this, lol. I made this mistake again when writing overrated, and im so hesitant to even hit that upload button because of how much i rushed it to meet my personal deadline. I keep re-reading and editing it, but i know that if i spent my time on it and pushed aside the personal deadline then it would be better.
2. Inspiration comes at the most random of times. I got ideas from waiting in the line in the bathroom and in the middle of my english class; they come when you least expect them too. If you force it out then it wont be that good (for me, that is). Of course, you can go out and find inspiration by walking outside or listening to music, but dont try to force out ideas—let them come to you.
You can write about real life occurrences that have taken place, or base stories off those. ‘Two Cups of Sugar’ is based off my friends experience of trying to get a guys number at an ice cream bar, but always failing so she went back around seven times—and only got his name in the end.
An upcoming fic i have is based off my boyfriend and i, and how we came to be. To be honest, all my fics are based off some real life experiences i had, or some outrageous stories my friends have told me. ‘Study Sessions’ was some real events, and a few scenes in ‘After Hours.’ What im trying to say is that those simple stories can take you a long way. The scene that started ‘After Hours’ was my friend talking about a bar. It was supposed to be a 4k bar scene, but after thinking about her experience and incorporating it into my own piece, it built its own way to 21k, and an ongoing series.
3. Keeping up motivation. Depending on what youre writing, you should focus on those elements. For example, im writing two fics—one of them being a basketball au and the other a soccer au. My motivation for that has seriously been dying, so ive been watching basketball videos and soccer games to keep my motivation running. Also, it helps when writing out action scenes, ahaha. I also talk to my friends that play those sports and ask them about how they feel about it and the rules of the game. Just kindle your flame with more information.
I know im not the best at giving advice… and there is way more in this whole writing sphere that im not addressing, but i hope this helps!! This is just what i think, what i go through, and my opinion—i really hope this helps you out. I wasnt sure what department you wanted concrete information on, whether it be the writing process or inspiration side or etc, so i briefly did all three :)
I know its a lot, so thank you for spending the time to read all of this ^~^
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ecotone99 · 5 years ago
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[SF] [FF] Bam Margera fan fiction
Mars, June 20th 2041, 50KM SW of the capital city of Bezos.
“Where the fuck is this asshole?” Bam wonders. The asshole he was referring to was “Chevy Joe”, an informant of his occasionally. He says he was given the nickname by friends due to his love of Chevy trucks, Bam knows however the he appointed the name to himself. “Nothing worse than an asshole with a self appointed nickname” he thinks.
The day was rough, shit the last 30 years have been rough. Most of them spent in shit hole bars like the one hes in now. “Cant believe hes been gone 30 years now” bam thinks to himself. He can still remember it like it was yesterday, drinking back home in West Chester. Starting early, finishing late. They closed down the bar, said their good byes, and made plans to meet up the next afterenoon for some lunch like the always did the day after going out. Only that lunch never happened. No, What happened was much worse. What happened was…
“Bam Bam, how ya doing, babe?” Joe asks, breaking his thought. “Well considering youre 30 minutes late id say not well” Bam responds. “Hey, sorry. I wanted to look extra pretty for you” Joe exclaims.
“Asshole fancies himself to be some sort of comedian” bam thinks. “Only funny thing about Joe is how pathetic he is”
“Well maybe you should have taken an hour” Bam jokes. “HAHA, good one” Joe tells him.
“So where is he, Joe?” bam asks. “Ummm, Chevy Joe” Joe corrects him. Bam has the sudden urge to kick his teeth down his throat, he holds the urge bac but gets tingly at the thought. “Sorry, CHEVYYY Joe” Bam responds condescendingly.
“Mining Camp 6, Building 11, Unit 77” Bam transfers 300 Amazon units to him and leaves.
Bam hops a shuttle train to Camp 6 and settles in for the ride. It’s a 6 hour ride, plenty of time to attempt to sleep, to try and forget, if just for a moment. He takes a few sleeping pills and chases it with whiskey in hopes of getting fucked up enough to not dream, to not remember. Unfortunately after 30 years it doesn’t work anymore. Bam passes out for a bit but awakes to the image of flaming wreckage and tears in his head. He looks at his watch, still another 2 hours to go. “FUCK” he says.
Mining Camp 6 was one of many on the planet owned and run by Amazon. Filled with Africans shuttled in from Earth, they were brought their with promises of a better future. “Good pay, good conditions, good benefits” that was the lure. Unfortunately the truth wasn’t as pretty. The “Good pay” they promised could only be used at the Amazon stores. Amazon workers buying Amazon products at Amazon stores. Truth was it was back breaking labor for 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. What they didn’t mention is the rent for the unit you stay in that comes out of that pay, the cost of meals, the benefits they provide you that also come out of your pay. You could complain but to who? Amazon runs the planet, you could send an email to your family asking for help but since all emails are filtered through Alexa, anything that may make the company look bad is automatically rewritten to make it sound like youre living in paradise.
“Funny” Bam thinks. “Half the people working here came from families on earth whose parents and grandparents were also miners in Africa who dealt with abysmal working conditions all so the worlds elite could add an extra zero onto the end of their bank account” The more things change the more they stay the same.
The train pulls into the station, Bam collects himself and hops a “Johnny Cab” Ok, theyre not really called Johnny Cabs, but its one of the simple little pleasures Bam gets to enjoy up here. Little inside jokes for himself. He tells the cab to take him to Building 11 and 10 minutes later hes there. He goes to unit 77 and knocks on the door. No answer so he knocks again. The door opens up and Bam walks in.
“Well well well if it isnt Raab Himself” “Hey Bam, I was just about to call you” Raab says. Bam cracks him one and he goes flying into the wall. “Wheres the money, Raab?” he asks. “oh yeah, the money. See that’s the thing, Bam. I don’t really have it yet” Bam cracks him again. “You don’t call, you make me chase you all the way to this shithole in the middle of nowhere. And now you tell me you don’t have my money?”
“Bam, I swear im gonna get it. There was a problem. I got ripped off. But don’t worry I have the guys name, we can go get to his place right now and get the..” Bam cracks him again. “Don Vito gave you the drugs with the agreement that youd have his money in 3 weeks. Its been 5. So don’t tell me that shit” bam says. “Please just do me a favor, don’t bullshit me. We’ve known eachother a long time, I don’t want to hurt you”
Raab laughs “what could you possibly do to me that Is worse than this. Look where I am, look at my life!” he laugh. Bam hits him again and he drops “Give me the money” He says as he hits him in the face. Raab continues to laugh. Bam hits him again, the image of Ryans face flashes in his mind. “Give me it” he says again as he hits him over and over. The image of Ryan and him laughing flashes this time. He hits him again and again. As memories of that night come to him, the bar, the laughs, the flaming wreckage, the funeral.
Bam opens his eyes and Raabs face is beaten to a pulp, Bams hand is throbbing. Surely broken but he hardly notices it. “NOOOOOOOOO” bam screams, sobbing uncontrollably. “WHY?” he yells. “Why did I let you drive that night?! Why?!” he screams. Its at this point that he pulls out his pistol from his jacket, puts the barrel in his mouth and pulls the trigger. And after 30 years Bam finally has peace.
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